Happy Funeral Director (2000) Movie Script

Uno Film Presents
IM Chang Jeong
OH Hyung Kyeong
KIM Chang Wan
My grandfather first met my grandmother
at a cemetery.
CHOI Kang Hee
PARK Kwang Jeong
The lady who came out of the coffin
became my grandmother.
Since then, my grandfather claimed that
he had the best job.
Happy Funeral Director
But nobody likes a funeral director.
Written and Directed by CHANG Mun II
Do you have a room?
How much is it?
Take 5,000 Won off.
Then get me an extra drink at least.
Who is it!
Palace Motel
Look, don't mess around
and come back quick.
What are you, my man?
And what's with those sunglasses
in the middle of the night! Dork.
Did you order coffee?
No? He said two cups to room 201.
Was it 202?
How does coffee taste
after almost dying? Great?
You know that funeral parlor
across the street?
Nakcheon Funeral Home?
Do you know if they're hiring?
I don't know. Oh, right.
The old man ran into a telephone pole
on his bike.
They might be hiring.
So tell me. Your blood type is O, right?
90% of people
with O blood type hang themselves.
No, I'm type A.
No, type A takes sleeping pills.
You must be different.
Who are you?
What's going on? What are you doing?
You said room 202. Get out now.
You want to own a video arcade?
Sell our land?
- You're too sick to work.
- There's Daesik.
He can work.
- You need at least two people.
- That's why I told you to come.
You want me to be an undertaker?
I faint at the sight of a corpse.
Oh, when?
When his father died.
That's because it was his father.
Grandfather thinks you have to be
an undertaker to be a real man.
But I am a man!
What do you think I am, a rabbit?
A goldfish? Yeah, I'm a rabbit.
I'm going to kill you, you little brat.
You listen to me before I really kill you.
But I do listen to you.
At least show an effort.
You can run away when he pays off
some of your debts.
Don't even mention the video arcade again.
I'll rip your mouth open.
Aunt, I can't do it no matter what.
Nobody wants to do it, unless he's crazy.
I'm not here because of a death.
I want to learn funeral work.
You want to learn undertaking?
This one doesn't want to learn, but...
There's all sorts.
The work is hard.
I've done just about everthing.
You can do anything if you think of dying.
But people don't die often around here.
There hasn't been a single death
for a year.
With the new hospital, we don't have work.
There has to be a death for you
to learn something.
Well, now that I'm here,
people will start dying.
I think I cause deaths.
When I go up on a roof to work,
someone falls off.
If I work in a tunnel, it collapses.
And that's not all.
Hey! Hey! What are you doing?
I sleep naked.
There's all sorts. All sorts...
I heard you talking earlier,
you have debts?
Hey, put your dick away!
Oh, how comfortable.
Did you make this?
Try it. How are we supposed to eat this?
- It tastes good.
- Why are you eating here?
My dad told me to.
Did he send you to learn to work
or to save food costs?
You eat too much. Your dad is so stupid.
If his son is too stupid to work
he should make him study.
Why did he send him to learn
about undertaking?
Undertaking is no joke.
Why are you talking bad about my father
when I'm eating?
You don't like me
talking about your father?
You're making me lose my appetite.
I heard that undertakers
value traditional etiquette.
Does that refer to ancient
Chinese etiquette?
Let's eat.
Excessive luxury is not proper etiquette.
How much do burial clothes cost?
There's no fixed price.
It's between 300,000 and 3 million.
- What about a coffin?
- That's not set either.
Then how much does a funeral cost?
You've got so much to say.
You talk too much.
What an ass.
Watch your language! You rude little brat.
Get me some beer.
We don't have any.
Did I drink it all?
- I drank it all.
- Son-of-a...
Gold Groceries
Why are you laughing?
You look like birds on a wire.
Nobody died today?
Hey, still no news from your mom?
I heard she ran away cause
she didn't like you.
Who says hello sitting down?
How come you don't say hello?
I didn't see you.
How are you?
You little brat.
I bet you want me to die soon!
- That's not it.
- Sure it is.
You guys are ruining
the village atmosphere.
Always looking around to see
if someone will die.
You nasty little brats! Yoni, let's go.
We're not like that.
Live a healthy long life.
Oh, sure.
You just want to see my naked body
after I die, right?
- Oh, come on.
- You dirty rat.
Hey, hey, slow down.
Ms. Hwang, have some coffee.
Are you buying?
Ms. Yang! Three cups of coffee.
Aunt, all you have to do
is to give a shot for a change.
Just tell him once more.
That we should go to Seoul
and buy a video arcade.
I already told the realtor
to sell our funeral home.
People die. Ms. Hwang,
you don't think you'll die?
You'll be my customer, too.
Ms. Yang will die, too.
She's a future customer, too.
You know.
I always bring a shadow of death.
Some people die even
if I just look at them.
No way. So why am I still alive?
She's so skinny, but she's got these.
He's dead!
Oh, no. Someone call an ambulance.
Is he alive?
Oh, good, he's alive.
Go to the hospital.
Thank you, everyone, for worrying.
Don't let our hands go.
You'll hurt yourself.
How much is this?
300 Won or 400 Won.
Ha, this delicious ice cream
is only 300 Won?
I'll have to eat it everyday.
Wow, who's that?
Sohwa, can't you tell?
You jerk. I knew it.
She came back after her husband died.
She got married too early.
She has a flower shop here.
You hated her so much
when she followed you around.
She's quite pretty now.
She has a nice butt, too.
- Did you pay for that?
- Of course.
How much did you pay?
- 300 Won.
- 300 Won?
I ask you to watch the store
and you can't even do that right.
Don't you have anything better to do
than undertaking.
- A funeral parlor's good.
- Yeah, right, sure.
Go away, you brats.
My only son has to be just like his father.
What a life.
Is grandfather up?
You guys didn't order for me?
Have mine.
You think I'll pay off your debts for you?
Did I ask you to?
We have to take some work
from the hospital.
Undertaking is related to deaths.
Right, grandfather?
- This is a funeral parlor.
- Gee, I asked for extra onions.
But I've never seen Land like this.
It's a good grave site
and it's also good for business.
What are you doing?
You put your store up for sale.
Did you quit your job?
You fool! What did you just say?
Your grandson said so.
You're always teasing me.
Can't you do your job right?
Nobody's selling the store.
Jaehyon, that little...
Oh, we need all those guns
to kill some people.
Our country needs to make guns legal.
People will become undertakers,
not lawyers and judges, right?
I wish a young lade died.
So I can touch her.
Do you strip women naked,
When washing and clothing them?
I know you want to be an Undertaker,
But how can you hope people will die?
Who wants people to die, You ass.
You know how to wash and clothe?
Do you?
You kill'em first. You do this.
You tie. You bow. You dig.
And then you bury.
It would be nice If a young lady died.
Lift him up.
Turn it and tie it.
Hey, what are you doing?
If the corpse gets up Like this, hit it.
That will be really scary.
Now you have to bow.
Hey, let go. Kong Daesik!
Grandfather is coming.
Untie him.
There's no time. Put me in the coffin.
- In?
- In?
Isn't Jaehyon back yet?
Why is the coffin out here?
We wanted to polish it.
Don't waste time. Put it away.
Put it down for a second.
- Let me put my shoes on.
- Careful.
Hello grandfather.
Sorry, here, have a drink.
My eyes got watery whenever
I see ramen noodles.
My wife and four children
died on the same day.
They said they'd rather die
than eat ramen every day.
I'm the only one who lived.
I stepped out for a minute
and the kids ate it all.
When I tried to hangmyself,
I saw the funeral parlor
and thought this was it.
This was what I could do for my children.
Jaehyon, I have to become an undertaker.
Jaehyon, you're a real ass.
Cheol Ku here has to...
become an undertaker.
Oh, what did I do?
You put the store Up for sale!
Oh, I...
Let's the three of us Give it a good shot.
Why don't the two of you
give it a good shot.
I'm going to Seoul.
What are you going to do In Seoul?
Last time you went,
you came back with a bunch of debts.
What are you looking at?
I heard you were Selling flowers.
They don't sell well. Nobody buys them.
I already wore out two brooms.
All I do is to clean the store.
Come on in, have some coffee.
Coffee? No, I have to Got somewhere.
Some other time. See you.
- How many can you eat?
- 15.
- What about you?
- 6.
A person I know got beat up
while boiling ramen noodles.
- Why?
- He burst the egg yolk.
- Why ramen is ramen?
- I don't know.
Would you eat that?
Would you eat that?
- You know what this is?
- No.
Open ramen.
- You know what this is?
- No.
Unopened ramen.
- Do you know what this is?
- Chicken egg.
- Oh, I spit in it.
- Let's put it in.
Aren't you sleeping?
I thought you went to Seoul.
Your father didn't want to become
an undertaker either.
But he thought it was good after a while.
It's not a big deal.
Hey, you want to have a drink?
Go to sleep.
Becoming an undertaker
becomes better with time.
I took care of so many corpses.
I wonder who'll take care of mine.
It would be nice if my grandson did.
You brat...
Go to sleep.
I don't have many days left.
I'll give you money tomorrow,
pay back your debts.
And if you really don't want to do this,
you don't have to.
There are more than 30 kinds of biers.
There's those for the rich
and those for the poor.
Put some more flowers for the rich
and less for the poor.
These flowers only cost about 5 Won each.
Hammer a nail here and put up the frame.
Put it up like this.
And it falls.
You didn't nail this side.
I know, I was going to tell you.
Hey, don't laugh.
This is no fun. Got any beer left? Move.
These are shrouds.
Where are you going?
They're all shrouds.
No, these are expensive ones,
these are average.
And those are really cheap.
Jerk. Why are you laughing?
Hey, look at that person over there.
He's the one who sews up corpses
that are ripped up.
He earns 6 million Won a month.
6 million?
Just by sewing up bodies?
Wow, isn't that great?
He looks great.
They're having a sports outing
at the school.
Let's go give these out there.
Hey, it's so nice to see you.
I thought you were in Seoul
working in a beauty parlor.
Oh, hey, Seong Ku.
My son goes here.
You're married?
I had no choice.
I dated a girl during highschool
and she got knocked up.
You know Jaehyon? Say hello.
These guys work with me.
They are law-abiding citizens.
Yeah, I can see.
I'm Pan Cheol Ku.
We're like brothers.
- Please call us if anyone dies.
- What's this?
Does your family
still have that funeral parlor?
My grandfather is an undertaker.
We have a lot of wars.
I'm sure someone will die.
Oh, please call us.
People die when the time comes.
Let's help each other out.
Sir, the 5-way gang is here.
What are those jerks doing here?
You don't suppose they'll start a fight
at a children's meeting.
Next, is the village relay.
Mr. Kim, get those kids lined up.
You kids eating over there, get in line.
Hurry, hurry.
I'm from Nakcheon Funeral Home.
Hello, call us.
Sir, those assholes want to have a fight.
What? At a children's Sports outing?
We don't have enough people,
should I ask your friends?
Just tell'em we'll make'em
our exclusive undertaker for 10 years.
- Jaehyon!
- Come here.
We'll give you a good deal, call us.
Is this the funeral parlor?
I saw your ad.
No, this is a private home.
Oh no, right, this is the funeral parlor.
- Are you sure?
- Yes. Who's calling?
Here? This is the public cemetery.
I'm a ghost.
Who is this!
I told you I'm a ghost.
You son-of-a-bitch! Who is this!
Is this the funeral parlor?
Yeah, asshole.
Is this the public cemetery?
- And you're a ghost, right?
- Yes, this is Seongseong-Ri.
Next to the public cemetery.
Myungja's mother died.
She died?
Who is it?
Seongseong-ri, Myungja's Mother died.
Someone died?
Hurry before someone else Gets there.
Jaehyon, you go and hang our lantern.
The undertaker that hangs
his lantern first gets to do the job.
You go and get Daesik. Hurry.
Get things ready.
Who's that? Looks like an undertaker.
- What?
- Hurry. Go faster.
- Pedal harder.
- I am.
Who is that?
- Get off.
- What?
Your weight,
the bike's not going any faster.
What did you say?
I said the bike's not moving
cause you're too heavy.
How can I get off when we're moving?
Jump off.
He's catching up.
Hurry. Jump off.
Hey, you jerk. Take the lantern.
I'm from Nakcheon Funeral Parlor.
She's been dead for over 10 days.
She lived alone for 10 years.
Loneliness was her problem.
She killed herself.
Take that knife out first.
Oh, he fainted.
What are you doing? Get some water.
This isn't scary at all.
Why did Jaehyon faint?
Oh, my, you want to take that knife
with you?
You have to straighten the body,
before it gets stiff.
It's too late. Do your best.
God, you scared me.
Hey, come on, it's not scary at all.
I heard you decided
to help your grandfather.
Huh? Who said so?
Your grandfather. He's really happy.
That's good.
We'll see each other more often.
- You should know better.
- What?
- Did you see her gold teeth?
- I don't know.
I heard two gold teeth are missing.
- Let's split it.
- No thanks.
Soju is best in chasing away any germs.
If you're going to be an undertaker,
you have to forget.
you'll keep seeing the dead body.
Soju is best for that, too.
If you're going to learn,
you have to overcome fear first.
Why do you keep hiding?
There must be something to see.
It's going to shrivel,
anyway, I need to use it up!
Aren't you scared?
About what?
I keep seeing dead person's face.
I was always good
at forgetting things since I was a child.
That's why you were always the last
at school.
Did you see?
I don't have to.
Oh, why did I sleep here?
My dad said I could eat here,
but I should sleep at home.
Oh, my head.
- I'm bleeding.
- What's going on?
Some bitch smacked my head
with a bottle in my dream.
Why is this guy sleeping here?
- He must be scared.
- Dog meat is best for fear.
Jaehyon, are you really
going to the public cemetery?
- I'm scared.
- Oh, be a man.
My problem is I don't get scared.
An undertaker has to sleep
in the cemetery for 3 nights.
Wow, she has huge tits.
It's a wonder bra.
Ms. Hwang, tell us a creepy story.
A cemetery story?
A public cemetery is full
of ass-poking ghosts.
A guy show up and a ghost says
"Wanna die or be poked up your ass!"
This guy hates being poked in the ass.
He said, "I'll rather die."
You know what the ghost said?
"Then I'll poke your ass until you die."
God, that's so scary.
Yes, three of them. One, two, three.
A sexy girl in a skirt and two men.
I concluded that
it was a threesome love affair.
And they committed suicide.
Or from the bubbles around their mouths,
It was a group suicide
by religious freaks.
Anyway, I took care of them
and put them in coffins.
Excuse me, you didn't die?
You can't even tell
between a dead person and a living one.
What king of undertaker are you?
You're an embarrassment to our business.
I'm sorry. We just started this business.
We were so happy to see dead bodies.
Doesn't the meal taste better
after almost dying?
Eat up.
Where did Cheol Ku go?
What did you see
when you screamed last night?
Nothing. I was just scared.
I'm so hungry.
Because you slept too much.
We ate already.
I was just sleeping.
I wasn't busy sleeping.
God, you're such a jerk.
Hey, wait up.
Not all people die in peace.
Some are bruised,
some have their eyes turned out.
Some die sitting and
some clench their teeth.
A person with sclerosis in the liver
has a swollen stomach.
It's soft when you touch it.
If you're not careful,
all kinds of stuff flow out of 9 holes.
After a few hours,
black spots appear on the skin and
the body stiffens.
Those who die from poison don't stiffen,
they're soft.
Those who hung themselves
have their tongue sticking out.
You have to massage near the mouth
for the tongue to go in.
If it still doesn't go in, then...
When the body rots, the balls rot first.
The more it was used,
the faster it rots, got it?
An undertaker doesn't only deal
with the body.
He sends the spirit to the world
of the spirits.
That's nice.
A good undertaker can even see ghosts.
He can play with ghosts
and drink with them.
You have to be able to play
with ghosts to be an undertaker.
Really? That's such a bullshit.
Be careful.
That's it for today.
What would you say
about your parents' death?
The sky has fallen apart.
I'm sorry to be alive.
What would you sat
about your child's death?
The earth has split open.
Everything is dark.
- Did you see a ghost?
- No.
When do you think
you'll be able to play with a ghost?
After a while.
What will you say when you meet them?
I will say mother-fucker.
Why are you swearing in your greeting?
Oh, this is such a bullshit.
Crazy bastards.
Grandfather, we already learned all this.
What's the use? There's no work.
No work.
You learned everthing?
You don't know anything.
The heaven gives you work.
Hey, I got an idea.
We find a cooperative company.
We can advertise.
It's hard to survive
just sitting and waiting.
You want to make money doing this work?
You don't even know that
you're supposed to learn.
You think what we do is
to take care of bodies.
That's not all, this is a cutting edge...
A gold ring. Who's this for?
You must be really stupid.
It's for me? Really?
Daesik, you must really love me.
Screw love. How about dating?
Then, I'll call you.
Look, look at this.
Daesik gave me a gold ring.
Isn't it pretty?
- Is this that...
- What?
Ms. Hwang, do you know what this is?
It's made from the gold teeth
of a dead body. How scary.
Who cares if it's from a dead person.
Stupid. It's still a gold ring.
He's dead.
Really. Who doesn't wear shrouds?
What, you want to send him off naked?
He delivered letters all his life.
I want to send him to heaven
in his mailman uniform.
Like the king of heaven writes Letters,
that's funny.
Is it because of the cost?
There are things to follow in a funeral.
The reason for putting hemp clothes is
because the skin rots.
Just let him wear his uniform.
What, funerals have etiquette and rules.
This is the etiquette and rules.
It's the dead person who is important.
Do it.
But this is our job.
We only had one funeral.
Let's sell some shrouds.
You're going to sell clothes
to a dead man? You rat...
The dead is not important,
Living people are.
You want to make money?! Get lost.
I don't have anything more to teach you.
And I don't have anything more to learn.
So if I do as you say,
you'll give me money?
You can buy land
and date pretty women, too.
On this highway alone
there are 20 accidents a month.
This all goes to the hospital.
We get policeman Kim's help
and make us an official undertaker.
Policeman Kim will be responsible
for traffic accidents.
How about letting us be members, too?
We'll deliver coffee cheap.
Good. For half price.
Did Yoni come here?
Did she go to the river in this rain?
The river?
The river in this rain?
Jaehyon! Jaehyon!
Yes, grandfather.
Yoni? Did she go to her father's grave?
An accident? Where?
Oh, it's an accident. Call 911!!
So, how many died?
I've never seen a corpse.
What happened?
What's going on?
They're all gone.
This is a strong typhoon. All this rain.
They're all going to the Hospital.
We're screwed.
You need skills to make money
with dead bodies.
Take that side road.
Look, it's Jaehyon.
Hey, stop the car.
What is it?
Daesik, get the coffin.
Don't just sit there, get up.
We have a long way to go.
I don't want to go.
I want to quit.
You fools. An undertaker shouldn't cry.
You're going to keep your job?
I want you to keep your job.
Wow, you really cleaned the store.
Want a cup of coffee?
Then, how about a flower?
How about this one?
See you around!
Life's no big deal.
Once you die,
the body starts to stink in a few hours.
You've become more charming.
I think so too once in a while.
It's Daesik. What's he doing here?
Daesik? He comes every day.
Why do you come here?
Because I don't have anything else to do.
Someone died? Where?
I'll go by myself.
You want to buy flowers?
I'll do it.
Many people have died.
Grandfather says that
watching the last moment of a person
is the most beautiful thing in the world.
And he dreamed of
his last moment every night.
One day, he would leave
for a field full of flowers.
On another day,
he would head for the mountains.
But, he couldn't leave this world yet.