Harte Jungs (2000) Movie Script

What is it?
Why are you staring at my bust?
I'm not, I was looking at your shirt.
Are the 'Smurfs' your favorite?
Yes, I've seen every episode.
They're cute,
especially Smurfette
She's just so... womanly.
Y'know, I've always
wanted to be like her.
I suppose you are aware this
woman was the only female
in the Smurf village.
Doesn't it seem odd that out of all
those little blue characters
she was the only female?
No, I never thought about it
before today.
They just laugh and have fun
all week long. It's weird. What are
they happy about?
Stuck in a village full of
male dwarfs. Think about it,
that's not normal.
So what happens?
They get aggressive.
What's your point?
Hey, I'm just saying,
why don't these men have more
fights when they're competing
to go out with that one female?
They should have leveled that
village by now. It should be all
smoke and blood and blue carcasses.
Then I came up with it.
Y'know why Smurfville never
wiped itself out?
It's real simple
Smurfette gives herself freely
to all the male smurfs.
She sleeps around?
Yeah, Smurfette's the whore
of the village.
She does them all
Everyone lives happily ever after.
No question, Smurfette's
the coolest chick around.
Thank's a lot, you've ruined
my whole childhood.
Ants in the Pants
Tobias Sehenke
Axel Stein Luise Helm
Byorn Kirsehniok Minatander
Produced by: Bernd Eichinger
Directed by: Marc Rothemund
Seeing as I'm going to be telling
you a lot of personal stuff
I'd better introduce myself first.
My name is Florian Thomas
but my friends call me 'Fly'.
You'll probably want to know
the whole story from the beginning
but I'm warning you
It isn't exactly Grimm's fairy tale. As
far as I know there isn't a big ending
everyone lives happily ever after.
But there is definitely
a big beginning.
Hey! Hello! Wake up!
Have you got cotton in your ears?
Finally paying attention.
Today's the first day of
the rest of our life.
Our life?
Yep, just the two of us.
At that moment, realised that there
were mysterious forces of nature
that one didn't always understand.
Florian, breakfast.
And even worse,
I soon learned that these forces
were impossible to control.
Psst, slowly look to your right.
Florian, pass the milk please.
Florian, would you please
pass your aunt the milk.
There's nothing as delicious as
creamy fresh milk.
Mmm, especially when it
comes in containers like those.
Watch it...!
Oh, Florian!
It's alright, really.
I'm sorry.
Look, honey.
The drama department will be
performing 'Romeo and Juliet' this
weekend at Florian's high school.
Shakespeare? Not again.
Is there some reason you're not
performing? All your friends
seem to have parts.
Yeah, because their folks are
all forcing them.
I'd love to see you
play the part of Romeo.
Your father played him so well.
Remember, dear?
And I was your Juliet.
And you were the best one ever.
Speaking of school,
can I stay home today, please?
What's wrong with you, Florian?
I feel kind of... upset.
Is it something I said?
Will you die from it?
I hope not.
Good, then you can
make it to school.
Take another look.
You won't see those puppies
until you get home.
Good morning.
Hi, Lisa.
Is Florian ready?
Come in, dear.
He's behaving strangely.
I hope he's not coming down
with something.
Who are you anyway?
C'mon, you know me.
Oh, yeah? You were
never this chatty.
Sure I was.
You just didn't hear me until now.
Fly, who are you talking to?
Why can't you just disappear?
You should have
turned left back there.
No. Dear, the hospital's
right up this street.
That's it, buddy.
From now on only
button-fly pants for you.
Almost there.
Ah, this is it.
The animal hospital?
When I say 'now' bite
down on that latex bone
as hard as you can.
Be a good boy...
when we're done I'll make
sure you get a treat.
Get ready...
My pal was relentless.
That experience at the vet
didn't slow him up a bit.
I love school especially
Miss Pringle's geometry.
Such lovely curves. Boy
I'd like to bisect her
equilateral triangle.
Can anyone tell me
what the tangent's radiant is?
Florian? Florian?
Stand up and
give us the answer.
He's already up
just look.
Ah, summertime.
The heat, the hard bodies.
Oh, what selection
what variety!
Everywhere you look
something is hot.
I know what you're thinking...
that he doesn't exist without me.
But you're wrong.
2 hours later
Look at that tasty treat...
or that one.
They've definitely got
my pilot-light going.
How can you be cold?
Not only was I seeing boobs butts
and bodacious babes everywhere,
but this voice in my shorts
was driving me bonkers.
C'mon, let's go for a swim.
What are you waiting for?
Let's go. Buddy.
I'm shrivelling.
Since he put it that way
I had no choice.
It's like he had a mind of
his own. And his mind only
focuses on one thing.
Man! What was wrong with me?
I decided to research my problem.
But I couldn't find any answers
in the books I had.
Any good booby shots in there?
Hey, piss off!
Out of desperation I decided
to turn to the two people
who had brought me into the world.
Well, Florian
it's a little hard to explain
but it's simple biology.
The woman gets
a warm feeling in her...
and the man may also...
also have a warm stiff...
Let me handle this, Petra.
Y'see, Florian... it's all biological.
The human body is
like any well-oiled machine.
The heart pumps blood
into all the vital organs.
And then, when the man is
excited by the woman...
Because he is
so in love with that woman...
Well, a lot of blood
rushes down to his...
I mean, this isn't a woman
that the man has met casually
just walking down the street.
He's dreamed about her his whole life.
In fact he wants to tie the knot.
Petra, would you stop interrupting?
We're not discussing marriage here.
This is biology.
I don't want him to think
he can have these feelings lightly.
You feel this way about girls
who are very very special.
Now, as I was saying
the blood is pumped...
and the wee-wee gets larger...
and larger... and closer and...
What your father is attempting to
say is that the man puts his we-wee
...he puts it into
the woman's flowerpot.
It's better if you stay out of this.
Why is that?
Because you're confusing him.
Where did you get 'flowerpot'?
Well, your 'wee-wee' sounds
like a piglet in a nursery-rhyme.
Look, Florian
what we're trying to say is
this thing between your legs is...
...not only used just to
go to the toilet.
It's like a very good friend.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
Life is like a long road-trip
and it can be a lonely
one at times.
So it's nice to have
a dear friend along for
the company and support.
Parents mean well
but this was serious.
So I decided to consult
the most manly guy at school.
If Coach didn't know
what was wrong with me
I knew no-one would.
I'm tuned-in. Son.
I know exactly what's happening.
Many guys experience
what you're going through.
I'm not unique?
That's right.
And you mustn't go through
life always being ashamed. In fact
for many years, I was ashamed.
You were?
Are you anxious
about your problem?
Yeah, well, sort of.
It wants to control me.
I hear it telling me to...
Listen, none of that matters.
Don't forget.
Homosexuality is totally normal.
And you are normal.
Thanks for your help.
I was getting nowhere, fast.
The only person I had left to talk
to was my best friend Red Bull.
All I can say is it is
definitely about time, Fly. Here.
Are you positive?
No question. If your willy hadn't
started talking to you with
all these women running around
then I'd be really
worried about you, Fly.
Yeah, but
he's totally driving me
bughouse, dude.
I mean how can I get him to shut up?
Why rock the boat?
Just let him talk.
Like kids my age I go to school.
And like most kids
my age I have no choice.
But my friends and
I make the best of it.
What's up with you guys?
Nothing much. Only...
Fly's pecker has been
talking to him.
Hey! Wait a minute...!
Entire sentences?
How come you had to go
and broadcast it to everyone?
What does he say to you?
Stuff... I don't know.
I guess mostly he gives me advice.
Is he good at math?
I could use some help
with my homework.
Awesome, dude.
My banana doesn't speak to me.
That's because you don't have one.
It's understandable.
Sshh, can it Sean.
We have a 'babe-alert'
Oh, my God!
She's a bomb!
My sister said Leone slept
with the entire football team.
You bitch.
I'm going to sign up for football.
At that second it struck me
like a flash of lightning.
This was that special girl
mom was talking about.
There's our flowerpot.
Leone... even her name
sounded like sweet music.
Hey, bonerhead, wake up.
Let's follow her.
Just put one foot in front of
the other. It's called walking.
Look out, here comes Kye.
/Move it, geek!
I suppose you heard what
Kye did to Kevin last Monday.
No, what?
He held the guy over
the dirtiest toilet in school,
It hadn't been cleaned in forty years
and he gave the kid a 'swirly'
He even tried to flush him down.
You know what that was all about?
Because Kevin looked at
Leone a little too long.
That was all?
Do you plan to
say anything, Sparky?
I have no words.
You have no words for what?
To describe how I feel.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a theatre fan myself.
Say what?
Oh, Romeo and Juliet.
That's right. I play Juliet.
She's the tragic heroine that
everyone falls in love with.
Remember, it's this weekend?
Will you be going?
Go on and touch them.
They're probably real.
Yep, they're real. How about a kiss?
Hey, that doesn't go in your mouth.
Aaw, just when things were
getting interesting.
So, my name's Leone.
What's yours?
Oh, you're French. How nice.
Oh, I just love French.
Say something to me in French.
That's so romantic.
Are you ok?
Are you interested in
becoming a stage performer?
Yes yes yes!
A stage performer?
Say yes!
Oh, yeah. It's my hobby.
But I seldom get a chance to
show off my talent any more.
Well, you're in luck.
Kevin, our under-study for Romeo
just left the show.
I don't think so.
For me
My parents aren't home Friday
so come to the house.
We can practice undisturbed.
Just the two of us. We'll have fun.
Ooo, fun fun fun.
On Friday, there's a full moon.
You know, a 'full moon'.
A big boy like you
doesn't need an encyclopedia
to know what that means.
/Uh, no, of course not.
Ok, that's enough.
Hi, Kye. This is my new friend.
He's willing to help me with my lines.
He'll come over Friday and we'll
practice them together.
I thought I was coming over that day.
Maybe if you'd shown a little interest
in what I approached you then you
could have rehearsed your part with me.
But you passed. So I found
someone else to practice with me...
You better watch yourself.
/You and I are going to be
meeting up again real soon.
See you.
Bingo! See how easy it is
when you listen to me?
Alone with Leone?
Friday afternoon?
At her house?
That's amazing!
That's bitchin!
What's so great about her? Tell me.
A couple of things
and they're right out front to see.
Settle please...
thank you.
As soon as Patricia gets her tongue
dislodged from George's ear
I'll be happy to continue.
Now, as everyone knows
we have only five days left
before saturday's performance.
How many lines do you have?
Only one. Why?
Before we begin today's rehearsal
I have a small announcement to make.
As some of you may be aware
Kevin isn't here today.
He's not well.
He had a very traumatic experience.
In the bathroom.
As you know, the part he was
under-studying is important.
And if Casper gets sick...
Me? No way.
...then we'd have a gigantic problem.
But, because of Leone's help,
Florian is our new under-study
for the part of Romeo.
Huh? I'm under-studying Romeo?
We should give a big round of
applause to the guy for taking on
this assignment with such short notice.
To learn hundreds and hundreds of
impossible lines in Ancient English.
Way to go, man.
Why didn't you tell us?
Want to say anything, Florian?
I have something to say.
Who are you?
I'm Kyle.
Someone else got suddenly sick so
I've decided to step in and take
over their part in the play myself.
Show off.
Not only do I have to learn all of
the lines for Romeo but the class
psychopath is out to get me now.
Don't worry about learning all
those lines. Casper won't get sick.
Kyle won't be able to get near you.
You're never alone.
You've got us, your friends.
That's right.
There's safety in numbers.
If that moron Kye ever comes near you
I'll teach him a lesson.
Listen to me real good, you little rug rat.
You stay away from my girl friend
do you understand?
Your middle name is
going to be changed to 'swirly'
If I ever catch you looking at
her again... is that clear?
According to my encyclopedia, full moons
make people a little wild and
bring out tremendous passions in them.
Nine months later many
babies are born.
Oh, my god.
She wants to have sex with me.
Oh, man, that's awesome!
Oh, man, that's awesome!
She's a real pro.
Well, I'm not.
She's going to expect a real lot
from you 'cos she knows
what she's doing.
And you, you've got to get ready.
You've got to be a sex-machine.
Women always want a lot.
You've got to make her see stars.
Hey, if she's not satisfied,
you can never show your face around school.
Oh, man!
I hear she's done every position
in the Karma Sutra.
Remember when you got that
remote-control car a few months ago?
It came with a manual to operate it.
Yeah, so?
Well, the Karma Sutra is like a manual
on how to operate women.
Yeah, but girls don't come with them.
You have to buy them separately.
Hey, Red.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
Hello, I'll take this copy
of the Karma Sutra please.
Excuse me young man,
but you're not old enough to buy this book.
Red, let's just forget about it.
How are we supposed to learn about
making love if you won't allow us
to buy a book on it.
Sex is dangerous dammit
if you don't know much about it.
We could contract a serious disease
and pass out of the picture.
Imagine the guilt.
Could you bear it?
How will you sleep knowing
two young boys are rotting
in the ground six feet under?
Alright! Alright! Go ahead.
That'll be $24.50.
Hey man, no matter what they say
sex is all about technique.
This is supposed to be fun?
Look at that one?
"The Blow of the Lumberjack".
Leone knows all these positions?
You worry too much.
There are only about...
To try to learn 69 positions
in 4 days was impossible.
Homework hell? How's it going?
We'll be back in a few hours.
Don't stay up too late.
What are you waiting for?
Give her a buzz.
Welcome to the 'Sex-line'.
MasterCard or Visa?
Cardholder's name?
Patrick Thomas.
Thank you Miss Thomas. Enjoy.
Press a number now to select
a qualified teacher for your needs.
For Professor Pamela, press one...
for Professor Candy, press two...
for Professor Lolita, press three...
for Doctor Andreas, press four.
No, don't pick her
Go for the sugary one, number two.
Hello sweetie,
I'm Professor Candy.
What's your name?
Um... Florian.
What can I do for you Florian
I've got a question about safety.
How safe is
'The Blow of the Lumberjack'?
Blow a lumberjack?
A friend of mine was in an exercise
class last week, he was only
trying to touch his toes and he...
Listen, Florian
I have a better idea.
Why don't we talk about you?
You know you have
a very sexy voice.
Y'know what?
Just hearing your
sensual voice has already
got my little pussy starting to purr.
Y'know, my own cat got run
over last summer on the
freeway by a truck.
Your father forgot
something... typical.
Is your homework completed?
Well, just about.
C'mon, give my little tiger a bone.
Is one of your friends on the phone?
It's Lisa.
Oh, good.
Good heavens Florian.
She sounds like she's very sick.
It's just a little cold.
Let me say hello...
Oh, my god!
I'll call you back.
I had a nice chat with
candy and her cat
but I still don't know what was up with that.
Sex and romance don't seem to drive
but the Karma Sutra says
I've got to keep them both alive.
I wonder how they're related.
Beats me. I think it's
something adults invented.
Hey, romance is
overrated anyway.
Look at that!
There's nothing better
a double-dip on a hot day.
It looks more difficult than it is.
Do you think so?
Yeah. C'mere...
...alright, you stand on one leg
while I lift the other.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to disturb you guys.
Just carry on.
My chatty little buddy said to forget about
romance but I had a feeling he was lying.
Hey pal, why would I lie to you?
Trust me.
These lines shift according to
the politics of the day.
What would Leone find romantic?
I knew I couldn't just
go up to her and ask.
Do you want to have sex?
No way Red Bull.
No way Red Bull.
Come up front.
Sorry Mrs. Mueller
what was the question?
Indicate to the class where
the Flatlands of Europe
can be found.
Um... they're right... here.
I don't know what to do. They're
just not getting very big yet.
I keep checking in the mirror
but nothing's happening.
I don't have big breasts
that flop around.
Does it bother you?
You better believe it, toots.
No problem at all.
I mean, on the bright side
you save money.
You don't need a bra.
I mean... boobs,
They're overrated.
Let's go back inside.
Red Bull organized
a field-trip for the two of us.
Knowing him, I didn't expect much
but it turned out to be pretty cool.
Get out!
Are you demented?
Just looking for my mother.
Do I know you?
You're not my mother!
And you're not my son.
The first thing to learn is
opening the bra... brasiers.
Next you need to learn the various bra sizes.
It's considered a basic requirement.
They start in A, which is
the smallest... and they
go up to a D
How big is Leone?
I think she'd be a solid C.
Unless, of course
she wears a wonderbra.
Then you can't tell.
Yeah, but how do you know
what you'll be getting.
They don't want you to know.
That's why they wear them
in the first place.
How sneaky.
Can I help you with something?
Yes. My friend needs
a bra for... his mother.
Very well. What size is your mother?
He's forgotten. But if you show him
some he'll remember.
Don't forget to watch how they open.
Because some unfasten in the front
others unfasten at the back.
Some un-snap
some have catches.
Well, how do you know
which is which?
You don't. That's the problem.
Opening a bra is like playing poker.
You need some skill to pull it off
and a whole bunch of luck.
Ok, there's this brasier
and another style
and there are these two choices.
You see
this one opens at the front.
Does your mother wear
that type of bra?
Now try to open it with one hand.
Are you serious?
Yeah. And hooks can really be a bitch.
Snaps are a lot easier.
You've got to keep
the other hand free.
Ok, that's it. Out! Now!
Wait a minute.
You misunderstand
what's going on.
My friend's mother over there was
in a serious automobile accident.
You poor thing.
His father wasn't so lucky.
They're still looking for
the top of him.
So young Florian here...
he's all she has left.
Oh... you boys practice
as long as you need to.
Take the time to get it right.
My family thanks you.
Lesson two is the lower half.
How to get a woman out of her pants.
A lot of women wear skin-tight jeans.
You need a crowbar to remove them.
It's almost an impossible task to do
even, if the girl helps you.
Try taking them off without
her noticing it's happening.
I think I'm lost.
You can't be crude and say
"Hey babe, drop 'em".
If she's turned off, it's over.
She wants to get naked too... only
you know the way girls are.
She'd never admit it.
You have to peel them off
her from the front.
But how?
Make up a story, something amazing
and wild as you're waving one hand
right in front of her face.
This will distract her so
you can pull down her pants
with your other free hand.
I've never heard of that technique.
Only have sex after they get married?
I don't know.
The answers are
right in front of you.
Italians speak with both hands.
Did you ever see an Italian guy
who spoke with just one hand?
I guess not.
That's right.
With no hands free
he's forced to marry her just so
she'll undress for him.
That sucks.
That's why the Catholic Church has
so much power in Italy.
If a grown man wants to undress
a woman he has to marry her first.
Have you seen the phone anywhere?
Florian took it to his room to call Lisa.
They're doing homework on it.
Amazing. He just keeps surprising me.
Dig your claws into my back...
Scratch me!
Deeper! Harder!
Give my pussy a wild ride, cowboy.
let's rehearse this like a movie.
Here we go...
places everyone and...
Come cruel...
What the hell are you doing?
Professor, you said 'action'.
Kye, you're playing a musician.
Yeah, so?
Musicians don't carry weapons.
They carry guitars... hey!
What's up?
I was more and more convinced
there was something wrong with me.
I mean, everywhere I looked,
I saw Leones.
Big Leones...
Little Leones...
Thin Leones...
Fat Leones
They were everywhere.
I was so worried about Friday
and time was running out fast.
Florian, what's going on?
Well, I like this one person but
I'm so nervous around her
that I haven't been able to tell her yet.
She won't want to know anyway.
Don't be so negative.
So I thought it would be nice to
buy her a present.
Yeah, a flavored condom.
Oh, really? What for?
Just so she'd notice me.
I'd get her attention.
How about a ring?
You mean it?
To remember me
when I'm not around.
I hope you know her finger size.
I'd say she's just about your size.
Then I guess I should keep you company
when you go to get the ring.
Does Friday work?
That'd be great.
Ok, that's perfect.
Red Bull's next lesson concerned
other people's privacy and how to
effectively invade it.
It looks like
we're about to hit paydirt...
...ah, false alarm.
Do you always spyin' on your neighbors?
Not constantly.
No more than a couple of times a day.
Observation is one of the basic
building blocks of education.
I still don't see anything.
Patience, my friend
is very important.
Especially if you get stuck.
Stuck'... what are you talking about?
When dogs are breeding they
often get stuck together and
you can't pull them apart.
The lady dog gets freaked out and
tries to run off down the road
and the poor male dog gets
dragged behind on his butt.
What's that got to do with me?
Well, basically the same thing can
happen to men and women.
When the woman is done
she usually wants to get up and
brush her hair... or whatever.
Women are always
doing something.
The guy is stuck, trapped in there.
If you don't find a way to hold
her down she's going to
drag your skinny ass all over
the house. And your dick could
sustain permanent injuries.
No way.
Yeah. Why do you think men
sometimes tie women to the bed?
Whoah! Look at that...
Down there.
That looks like a whip.
Why does she have a whip?
Obviously the guy didn't
perform well.
I don't know...
I don't think I'm ready for this.
It seems the more I learn about sex
the more confused I am.
I'm really lost.
You're way too naive for your age.
You need some professional help.
Go to an expert first.
Get it solved now.
It wouldn't be right.
Get real!
Sign me up!
What you need is an emergency
training program now.
Otherwise Leone is going to
eat you alive. Or even worse
whip you like a horse.
You've selected
'Dominating Darlings', Mistress
Vanya will be right with you.
Mistress Vanya speaking.
Who the hell are you?
Ah... Florian.
Alright Florian
Are you sitting all nice and comfy?
Well, get your ass up!
Vanya doesn't tolerate any sitting
sissies. I'm into pain and more pain
Stand up, slave! Now!
Whatever you say.
Wrong! The correct response is
"Yes Mistress Vanya!".
Yes. Mistress Vanya!
Kneel down, you stinky
good-for-nothing dog and
bark for your mistress.
Bark, Fido!
I really don't think that
would be such a good idea.
On your knees
you maggot-ridden flea-hound!
Ok ok ok...
Repeat after me, and get it right
word for word...
Mistress Vanya, I am so unworthy!
Mistress Vanya, I am so unworthy!
Louder, you filthy scum!
Mistress Vanya, I am so unworthy!
Oh, yeah? Well, show me
you mean it and kiss the carpet.
The carpet?
It looks pretty dirty.
Do I have to?
You whip!
Get down on all fours and
bark like a dog and make it loud.
I said make it loud...
or I'm going to whip you!
Why are you barking on the carpet?
I was looking for my book.
Bark again!
Put more bite into it you...
It's a school project.
Talking to Mistress Vanya hadn't
made anything clearer.
I mean, what do barking dogs and
carpet-kissing have to do with sex?
Red Bull was right
I needed professional help.
The thing I like about
Red Bull is that
when he makes up his mind
to do something he does it well.
You see, there was a small
sum of $200 involved.
And where can two kids
get that kind of money?
This next issue is something special.
It's one of my personal favorites.
Farrah Fawcett was
the Pamela Anderson of her day.
Ok, here's my final
rock-bottom price...
5 bucks.
Hey, I'll give you three.
Wait a minute. Give me four and I'll
throw in this extra strength
water-balloon, alright?
This balloon is not sold in stores.
It can hold over a gallon of
water without exploding.
Electronically tested
it's guaranteed to perform.
And best of all
it holds its shape
even thrown off the fourth floor.
4, 5 bucks
5, 6, 7, 8 bucks
Anyway, Mistress Vanya kept
telling me to kiss the carpet.
I don't know how often
you clean your carpet but...
No no no...
kissing carpet is when...
well, you know...
when you kiss a girl 'down there'.
Why would I want to do that?
It drives them wild.
It's the warm-up, called foreplay.
You'll want to remember it
when you get in there.
What's it like?
Like... it's like...
I can't describe it.
It smells like...
You're kidding.
Like dead rabbit.
How long dead?
Well, think of a rabbit hit
by a gigantic truck
and left by the side of the road
for a few days. It smells like
mayonnaise in a sauna.
I don't know if I can do it.
I've got a weak stomach.
Women get angry
If you don't do this foreplay first.
But maybe, since we're paying for it
she'll make an exception for you.
This is it, buddy.
You know, maybe this isn't such
a good idea. Let's just go home.
What do you want?
We're here to see Mona.
For what?
For my friend here.
Tell her I'll do anything...
but foreplay.
Foreplay? I can't believe it.
You blew the gig. He was about
to let you in, Fly.
You wait right here, Ok?
And let me arrange it. Uh?
All this because of you.
Hey, I'm worth it, buddy.
Listen, I really appreciate you setting
this up. It's very nice of you.
Have a good one.
Well, what did he say?
The guy was nice.
He even took our cash
so we're paid in advance.
They were all booked up for today.
But tomorrow, at 12:00 noon
you have a date with Anita.
Women are just like cars
you know what I mean?
No. How do you figure?
I read somewhere that a healthy
relationship shouldn't last more
than about 4 years or so.
Yeah, but my parents have been
together for...
Yeah yeah yeah, I know.
But your folks aren't normal.
Biologically it takes a couple
about 4 years to have a child
and when it walks
the man goes on the hunt
for the next woman.
It's scientifically proven.
Really? But what...
Hey, no 'buts'.
That's why mankind has
existed for so long.
That's why you hear
a little voice, telling you what to do
"Boy, look at that babe... and that!"
Alright, even if it's true
what's it got to do with cars?
I'm coming to it.
Y'see, most people keep their car
for four years and then
hey trade it in.
The ignition breaks, the tires wear out
and on and on and on...
With women the same thing happens.
They start to fall apart.
Then it's time for all kinds of
plastic surgery...
silicone implants, liposuction,
everything under the hood.
Before you know it they're
nickle and diming you to death.
A woman wears down just
like car's transmission.
That's why so many men
marry secretaries.
All these secretaries are
20 years old, fresh and new, like
the parts in an auto-assembly line.
They wait for the bosses wife
to crumble and rust.
Not all marriages end up like that.
Tell me, whose folks are
still together?
Mine are.
I told you're parents are not
exactly normal. They're like
a disaster waiting to happen.
Aunt Zelda...
Are my dad and mom really
happy together?
What kind of a question is that?
It's just that all of my friend's
parents are divorced or split up.
Or having affairs.
Yet my dad and mom seem so content
and happy with each other.
Is that normal?
Oh, Florian.
Don't worry about your folks.
Your mom and dad are good together.
They get along very well
and are happy.
And tonight they're having a romantic
evening to celebrate their love.
Phone sex.
Don't pretend you didn't hear me.
Telephone sex!
Please keep your voice down
everyone can hear.
I'll speak as loud as I please.
I repeat, telephone sex!
How are you able to have sex
with a telephone?
You've been calling up girls
for sex on the phone.
/That's disgusting.
What are you talking about, Petra?
You can't recall?
Well then, perhaps this girl Candy
or maybe Mistress Vanya will
refresh your memory.
What is this?
How disrespectful to call them
from our home!
Where our innocent boy could overhear.
What example are you setting
for our son?
And to have the nerve to put
these filthy calls on my credit card!
She can grease me up like that
any time she wants. Do you
think we can get a good-night kiss?
Time to turn off your light
young man. It's late.
Tomorrow will be another long
hard day. You'll need a good sleep.
Who needs a good sleep?
Introduce me!
I had less than 24 hours
to prep for Leone
and I hadn't even kissed a girl yet.
Now, rest well, Florian.
Sweet dreams.
/Here comes that kiss.
Here's our chance pal...
slip in the tongue.
You idiot!
Hey! A little tongue is
better than nothing.
Cute little white bunny rabbits.
A carpet of them.
Foreplay on the carpet...
girls love it.
Carpet tastes like dead rabbit.
C'mon, let's go.
My father discovered
his Playboys were missing.
I'm grounded until I'm thirty.
Shit, man!
Go and see Anita on your own.
C'mon, can't we change
the appointment or something?
Are you nuts?
Are you nuts?
I already gave the guy all the money
we made from selling the magazines.
C'mon, if you don't go I'll have
gotten into trouble for nothing.
I don't know...
You owe me this one. You and I both
know you need experience for tonight.
I'm shrinking by the minute here.
This is the most important moment
of your life.
Go back!
Yes! I don't know the meaning of
the word 'no'.
No is no and that's final!
Who are you talking to?
I'm looking for Anita.
Who are you?
I'm Florian.
Aren't you a little bit young
to be coming here?
I don't know.
I had an appointment at 12:00.
But at your age
you must have a girl friend.
There is this girl... who really
seems to want me... I hope.
And the problem is
I've never done it before.
I'm afraid I'll disappoint her.
Is that stupid?
No, it isn't. It's cute in fact.
It feels kind of cold.
How about we go get a hot chocolate?
It's difficult being a young guy.
Up to now I was only interested
in sports and things.
Then out of the blue, bang, a voice
begins telling me that
I'm supposed to have sex.
It's driving me crazy.
It doesn't stop bugging me for a minute.
I don't know what to do.
It won't stop.
You mean it will get worse?
No. One day you'll begin to realize
that a person's life isn't just about sex.
When that happens the voice
you're hearing will no longer be a problem.
That's a lot of blah blah, pal.
I'm your biggest asset.
Come... sit next to me.
I'll show you something.
Ok, ever feel that before?
It feels pretty good, huh?
Do the same to your girl friend.
She'll really love it.
Red, you lied about the smell.
It's not at all like dead rabbit.
Yeah, I know...
once more.
Don't hurt my hand.
Watch this...
It's my turn...
Hey! You're using up the smell.
Ok, this is the last round.
Stop it!
I thought you were rehearsing.
What does it cost?
Let me see...
DM 2,000
I was thinking about... DM 50.
That's going to be very difficult.
Let me see...
This one's quite lovely.
You know what, this one's even better.
It's beautiful.
Should we get it?
Do you think Leone will like it?
Excuse me?
The ring is for Leone?
Yeah, what did you think?
Hey, Lisa, wait!
I didn't understand what had gotten
into Lisa. But then I was preoccupied
with some other important stuff.
The big night had finally arrived
and I felt confident that I was ready.
I had the ring
and I'd memorized every position
in the Karma Sutra.
Although one or two of them still
gave me a few problems.
Hi, Leone. I hope my technique
is as good as Kyle's.
Here Leone, take this ring
as a sign of my... affection.
Just introduce me and I'll do the rest.
Now or never.
Florian, what are you doing here?
I was invited... remember?
Oh, yeah, but...
Oh, 'Whiffy'...
Whiff-whiff back away.
Get down 'whiffy'.
Whiffy'! Stop!
Are those for me?
Well, since you're here
you might as well come in.
It's a nice house.
I'll put the flowers in that corner
over there. Right next to mom's
priceless porcelain figurine collection.
Now, stop!
He becomes so jealous when
I mention mom's porcelain figurines.
Let's tend to business before
I become tenderloin for that mutt!
I'll be right back.
I'll get some water for the flowers.
I got this to show...
Sorry, but I totally forgot
I invited you here.
I'd like to offer you something to
drink but Kyle will be here any minute
and you know weird he gets when
a guy even looks at me.
Remember what
happened to poor Kevin?
What are you waiting for, a full moon?
Don't let her out of your sight.
Here's to my love.
O true apocothery
thy drugs are quick...
...thus with a kiss... I die...
Hey, hello! Wake up!
Prayers do come true to
Boy, talk about Twin Peaks...
Finally, he's talking to me.
Now's your chance pal.
Show her there's some life
in the old body yet.
Lisa... Lisa...
Even her name sounded
like sweet music.
Pull! Pull the curtain!
I hadn't felt this way
since I fell in love with Leone.
Wrap it up.
A gloomy peace brings with the morn.
Some shall be pardoned
and some punished.
For never was a story of more
gloom than this of Juliet...
and her Romeo.
Wanna play Romeo and Juliet later?
How about Romeo and Romeo?
Anybody interested in having
their flowerpot fertilized?
Oh, no.
Like I said at the beginning,
I don't know if you could
call this a big happy ending
but it is happy.
On top of everything else
I didn't have to injure myself
trying to fit into one of those
Karma Sutra positions.
Here we are, just you and me.
/Just the two of us.
What am l, chopped liver?
Wait a minute
forget I ever used that term.
Nothing will ever come
between us, will it?
Of course not.
I think you might have to
make an exception for me.
So how was your date
with your friend Lisa?
And what did you two do?
First this warm feeling came over me
and I guess my blood started pumping.
Because, before I knew it,
she let me putt my wee-wee
into her flowerpot.
Now you're catching on.
This my friend is the beginning
of a beautiful relationship.