Hatchet (2006) Movie Script
Come on, Pa. We've been
out here over three hours.
I mean, we don't even know
where the hell she went.
She's at least...
a 12-footer
if I ever saw one.
No, I ain't leavin' here
without her.
Man, I'm cold.
Shh.
Shut your hole.
Come on, man.
Can we pull over?
I gotta take
a piss.
Go off the side
of the boat.
Come on.
We ain't beachin' it.
Shit.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, come on, man.
I can't go like this.
Why in the hell not?
Well, 'cause it's weird
with you sittin' there
like that.
Just keep it down,
would ya?
See, no matter
what I say,
it's,
"Shut up, Ainsley,"
or, "You're queer,
Ainsley,"
or, "Why can't you be more
like your sister, Ainsley?"
I said shut up,
you little queer.
See?
See that?
Asshole.
What'd you say, boy?
Nothin'.
Now, don't make me throw
you in the swamp, now.
Yeah, you go-
Jesus Christ!
Jesus, son, what happened?
She tried to bite
my sack off!
You let her get away,
you moron!
Well, what the hell
was I supposed to do?
For crying out loud,
can we just pull over,
so I can finish
my damn piss? Lord!
Y'all hurry up now.
Goddamn queer's
gotta squat to take a leak.
Oh, shit.
Keep still, Ainsley.
I think she's back.
Well, what should I do?
Don't make a sound.
Stay right there.
Pa?
Did you get her?
Pa?
Maybe we can go home now?
Pa?
Huh?
Pa?
Pa?
Pa?
Come on!
Come and get it,
you bitch!
I'll kill you!
Oh, God!
It hurts!
Oh, God!
Help me!
I need some beads.
Cheer up, man. This is
Mardi Gras. This is fun.
And I'm having a blast.
Oh, oh, right here, right
here, right here. Look at that.
Oh! Look at those boobs
right there.
Hey!
Hey.
They're somethin'
new, right?
Haven't you seen
enough boobs?
I'm just not feelin' this.
I- I shoulda stayed at home.
What, so you could sit in your
room and cry about Heather?
Christine.
Man, man. We came down here
to have a good time.
You? You're fighting it.
There's fun all around you.
Stop standing there
like a bitch.
How is this fun?
This place is disgusting.
Our hotel room smells
like sweaty balls, man.
Everybody's just drunk
and looking for a fight.
You! You threw up six times
yesterday. How do you even do that?
You guys just stay
and have fun, all right?
I'm gonna go find
something to do.
What, by yourself?
DeWitt and Robinson told me about
this haunted swamp tour thing
that they did last year;
they said it was amazing.
You see all these, like, floating
lights and stuff on the water. Just-
You wanna leave all of this to go
look at some damn lights in a swamp?
You don't have to
come with me, Marcus.
Look, I'll see you guys
back at the hotel.
Cool.
Man, wait up, wait up.
Wait up, man. I'll go-
Marcus, no,
go ahead and-
No, no, no. I'm goin'
with you. It's cool.
Thanks, man.
Buddy, you're gonna be
so psyched you did this.
I think I'd rather
skin my own dick.
Right. It's official.
Here it is.
No more chicks.
They're closed.
No. They can't
be closed.
But indeed they are. There's
a big "Closed" sign and it's-
You're still knocking.
All right, this sucks.
It doesn't suck.
It's gonna be cool.
For you,
'cause you suck.
Shut up!
What do you want?
Uh... we wanted to do
a haunted swamp tour.
I don't do
night tours anymore.
I'm not allowed to.
Okay, it's just that our friends told
us that you did one here last year.
I can't do
night tours anymore.
Insurance got too high...
after what happened.
Too bad. Let's roll.
- W-w-w-w-wait.
Uh, what happened?
Oh, you don't want
to know.
I so do.
Here we go.
I led a tour group
out in the swamp
last Halloween.
It was the midst of night.
Yeah?
And there was this kid
who looked kinda like you.
He got spooked by
something in the marsh.
He saw two eyes staring
at him from the woods.
Chilled him to
his very marrow.
He wanted to get
off the boat in a hurry.
And he had his foot
dangling over the edge.
He-
He fell in?
A gator got him?
What happened?
He slipped,
hit his head
right on the roof,
and sued me for negligence!
That cocksucker!
That's it?
Try Marie Laveau.
- Excuse me?
Two blocks east
on Olive Street.
But you didn't
hear it from me.
I have to go tend
to my birds.
Be careful walking
on the sidewalk.
- Wh-whoa, come on,
man, wait. - What?
It's dead as hell
down there, right?
Fun party...
bad badness.
Wait! Ben,
this is so lame!
How is this gonna help
you get over her?
Marcus, this whole scene
back here, it's just-
Every hot, half-naked chick
I see reminds me of Christine.
Y'know? Probably gettin'
banged by that Bulkowski guy,
in her living room, bent over that
beige loveseat that my mom bought her.
What happened to dating
a normal guy?
That guy's got a neck
the size of a truck.
And that whole cauliflower
ear? That's weird.
What, is he gonna wrestle
her to submission?
All right, stop stop stop, that's it.
- All right, okay.
I don't wanna think about
Bulkowski bangin' your girl anymore.
I don't either.
I get it.
Come on, man, this
is gonna be fun.
Guess there ain't no chicks at
the swamp. Won't be needin' these.
It'll be fun.
'Bout as fun as crabs.
- You would know.
Screw that waitress
from Fezziwig's, man.
You did.
I didn't know she had
bugs in her bush.
She was scratchin'
herself all night.
What do you mean,
you didn't know?
You can't hook up with itchy
chicks, Marcus. Everybody knows that.
She said it was a reaction
to her fabric softener, okay?
All right?
I saw it, I asked.
Fabric softener. Look
at you, mister big shot.
"Everyone knows that. " When's
the last time you got laid?
I have sex all the-
- Shut up.
Ladies.
This is really fun.
- Whoo!
Whoa.
That's good.
Good. Uh...
Uh... um...
Give us a kiss?
Ooh, yes.
Yeah, you love it.
You want it.
You need it.
Oh, damn, I-I gotta
change batteries.
God. Brush
your teeth much?
Lick me, bitch.
No thanks, I like my tongue
without the syphilis.
You're syphilis,
miss big words.
Okay, that didn't
even make sense.
Lick me.
Misty, Jenna...
you can get along for a
couple more hours, can't ya?
Seriously, Doug? I can't
work with that.
I'm a professional actress.
I went to NYU.
What's so funny?
Like anybody's ever
even heard of that.
New York University?
- Never heard of it.
Girls, girls, nobody ever got
discovered by being difficult, huh?
I mean, I-I-I need you guys
to show me the love, all right?
- Fine. - I need to feel the
passion here, all right?
We're rolling.
All right. I need
to feel the passion.
We're rolling.
All right.
You're sensuous...
You're playful.
You're curious.
Hmm.
You're smitten.
Who's ready to do
some hauntin', huh?
Hahaha. The night will
soon be upon us.
The spirits of the damned
are on the rise.
Let's get our souls
on the move, my friends!
What can I do
you two for?
Do you do
a haunted swamp tour?
Why, I do the only
haunted swamp tour!
Real, live ghosts.
Whoo. Tales of the macabre.
And actual sites that are
still damned by voodoo curses.
I hate you.
Oh!
Leaving right now,
40 bones each.
Forty dollars?
- Yes.
All right.
Will you spot me?
Why? You don't
have any cash?
No, I'm just not paying
for this bullshit.
I know, darling.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi there.
How are you doin'?
Oh, my.
Oh, hey.
You mind if
I sit here?
Be my guest.
Hello.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
Uh... so... I guess
I'm sitting here.
I'm Ben.
Marybeth.
Marybeth. That's
a great name.
'Cause it's actually
two names, you know.
Most people just have one,
and that's kinda boring.
Ben.
But Marybeth, it's-
you know, it's Mary
and it's, uh, Beth.
That's a nice coat.
So do you have
any pets or-
Are you enjoying
Mardi Gras?
Yep.
Couldn't find anyone brave enough
to do the ghost tour with you, huh?
Nope.
Right on.
Right on.
Some buddies of mine back
home went on this tour-
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't come on this tour
'cause I was hoping
that just maybe
I'd get to meet you.
If you don't mind,
I'd like to just sit
and stare out this window
and get my $30 worth, okay?
Hey, what the fuck?
Okay, folks, I am
your tour guide, Shawn.
Just sit back and get
ready to enjoy-
Uh, dawg? You don't
need that thing.
It's, like, the size
of a Mini Cooper.
Hahaha. See who laughs,
eh, pukai?
Like a Mini Cooper limo,
you know what I mean?
That's what I'm
talkin' about.
I'm-
- I-
Oh, no, you-
- We-
We are so cute
when we do that!
I'm Marcus.
- Jenna.
Hello there.
Jim Permatteo.
And this here's
the missus, Shannon.
How do you do?
Doug Shapiro.
Nice to meet you.
Nice camera.
Makin' a movie?
Yeah.
Well, what do
you know, lovekins?
We've got ourselves
a director over here.
How exciting. What kind
of movie is it?
Well, have you ever heard
of Bayou Beavers?
Sure. No.
- No.
Okay, everyone.
If you take a look
out your right side,
you'll see
the legendary Saint Louis
Cemetery Number One,
uh, founded in
178, uh, 9,
this here's the resting place of
the first black mayor of New Orleans,
Ernest Morial.
It is also believed
to be the burial site
of the infamous
voodoo queen Marie Laveau.
Haha, yes, sir.
Now, y'all notice how we bury
our dead above the ground?
Well, that's because of all the
voodoo curses in the air down here.
The dead have a tendency
to rise out of the dirt,
so we like to keep 'em
cemented in instead.
Shawn, excuse me, but we heard that
the reason you bury them above ground
is because of
the water level.
Oh, no.
- That's right.
The water level is so high that
sometimes things in the ground
will rise back up
to the surface.
No, that's not why.
But we heard-
I said no!
All right,
time's wasting.
Everyone onboard.
Scary bus to scary boat.
Everyone.
- Watch your step, lovekins.
All right, all right,
heh heh heh heh.
Hey there, hey there, all right.
No time- No time for dilly-dallying.
Gotta beat the rush.
That's right.
All right, all right,
comin' through.
Okay, gotta go, gotta go.
Dude.
That's the boat?
Okay, let's, uh,
see something, girls.
Whoo!
Okay, you're silly.
You're tough.
You're cute.
You've got a secret.
Come on, lovekins.
- look like she's old
enough to be in porn-
Oh!
That's it, all aboard.
All right, here we go.
Hey! You there!
Hello!
Mr. Shawn, I think that man's
trying to talk to you.
Oh, no, no, no.
Heh heh.
Hey! Where ya think you're goin'?
What's he saying?
Oh, that guy? Don't mind him.
That's just Jack Cracker.
Jack Cracker?
Yeah, yeah, one of the local
alligator hunters.
Just sits there,
yells things.
Drinks his own piss.
He's, you know,
cracked.
Come on.
This swamp is closed!
Hey! The swamp is-
Victor Crowley!
What's he saying?
Okay, okay, okay, here we go.
Everybody wave bye-bye to Jack.
Everybody wave bye-bye to Jack.
- Whoo!
Bye, Jack! Bye, Mr. Cracker!
Bye-bye!
You're all gonna die.
Oh, yeah. That's good.
Remember, you don't
need to keep
all your fingers
and toes onboard,
just the ones
you want to keep.
Heh heh heh. That's right.
There's big alligators
in these here waters.
Hey, now, check it out.
Off to the left,
you'll see something you don't
see every day, but I do.
Heh heh. Real live
cypress tress.
Now here, what did the Spanish
moss say to the cypress?
"Mind if I hang around?"
Heh heh heh.
You know, sometimes I'll tell
that joke in espaol.
Hey there, isn't
the cypress the Louisiana state tree?
I bet it sure is.
Yeah, since 1963,
the bald cypress.
Oh, now, only room
for one guide
on this boat now. Heh heh.
Now, we're gonna move
into a part of the swamp
with the scary ghosts, y'all.
I need everyone to be
overenthusiastic,
or you'll wind up
overboard.
Now, here on
the Mississippi Bayou,
hundreds of fishermen and old
pirates have lost their lives.
And if we're lucky, we might
be able to see their souls
floating over the waters
where they up and died.
Now, you all should feel very safe.
- This is beat.
Come on, man, give it
a break. This is fun.
'Bout as fun
as a bag of dicks.
This is beat as hell.
Only thing scary is
Uncle Remus meets Bruce Lee.
Feel like I'm in Enter the
Song of the South or some shit.
What about your
new girlie here, huh?
She all right.
But it's not like I'm pulling
the ass on this stupid boat.
Okay, so lay the groundwork,
set it up for later.
Like you and
what's-her-face?
"That's a nice coat. "
That was classic.
About as classic as-
It's about as classic as-
I got nothin'.
- Exactly.
Now, comin' up, you'll all see a
old house with a barn behind it.
That right there is the home of
a real famous Louisiana legend,
Victor Crowley.
Hatchet Face.
The legend is, is that
he was a deformed man
whose own father
went nuts...
...and whacked him in the
face with a hatchet one night.
Probably on account of he
was so ugly or something.
Anyway, he died.
And so the story goes is that...
...if you're ever near the old
Crowley house late at night,
you'll still hear old Victor
Crowley cryin' for his daddy.
Daddy.
- Y'all hear that?
Hmm.
Daddy!
I done heard it again!
That ain't the story.
That's the gist
of it, anyway.
It's not even the house.
Christ! Would you just
let me do my job?
Y'all try
the crawfish yet?
I'm so psyched
I did this.
- That fade you had
in high school. - What?
It's about as classic
as that fade you had-
Too late.
- What?
You still on classic?
Are y'all ready to see
something really scary?
Huh? Are y'all ready?
Everyone who's ready
say, "Oh, yeah".
Okay, I'm gonna do it anyway.
Here we go.
Okay, folks, I'm gonna shut
the lights off for a second.
Once your eyes adjust, you'll be
able to see some of the ghost lights,
just hovering above the water
over to the right at Kwaj Island.
I don't see anything.
Uh, wait till
your eyes adjust.
They're adjusted, there's
just nothing there.
Hey, can we get those
lights going again?
You're killing all
my camera shots.
Jim, look! I think
I see something.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah, you see?
Not one but two ghosts!
Yeah, I told y'all.
Isn't that just a chemical reaction
from the water and the gases?
No, no, no, man! It's-
They're ghosts! Look!
Nah, bra. Those are marsh
vapors. I've seen this on TV.
Hell, man, why'd you all
come, then? They're ghosts!
Oh, you're right.
Except no.
Damn it.
Now, uh, that's the spot
where Captain John Donovan
supposedly buried
a trunk full a treasure.
Legend says, though, that he left
two of his crew behind to guard it,
but he cut off their legs
so they couldn't run away.
That's a stupid story.
Fine.
Jim, did you see that?
I did. What was that?
Oh, it could- it c-could be
one of the more active spirits
we sometimes get
after it rains.
Hoo hoo hoo, it's spooky,
isn't it, folks? Hahaha.
Okay, perfect.
Perfect.
Hey, who wants to be in
the Halloween video?
Ugh.
- Come on, girls.
Whoo!
Okay, your "Whoo" is
so not in the moment.
Yeah? Well, your
nipples are dumb. Ugh.
This is pretty cool.
It's cold.
Not much of
a talker, are you?
I ain't here
to make friends.
Friends. Nice.
Must be a local.
I just didn't know that
locals did this touristy stuff.
We don't.
- No, of course. Yeah. No.
Yeah, I wouldn't really
do it either, normally.
It's just buddies of
mine from college...
...told me about it and
said it was cool, so...
I figured what
the hell, you know?
Check out the swamp.
Enjoy the activity.
I'm gonna be honest
with you right now.
I, uh, just got dumped by my
girlfriend of eight years,
and, uh, my friends took me down
here to try to get my mind off of it,
but, you know, I-
We were together since
the seventh grade May Dance,
and, you know, she tells
me she needs space.
What does that even mean
in girl language?
Space.
Whatever.
Get my mind off of it.
Just relax.
- Jesus!
- Drive much?
What happened?
Oh, we just...
got stuck.
Stuck? On what?
Oh, on some rocks or something.
I don't know.
Uh, here. Someone-
Someone give me a hand.
Here. Help me push
the boat off.
Is this a part
of every tour?
Relax. It's all good.
All part of the tour!
Damn it!
Who are you
gonna call, Daddy?
Shut up,
you nasty bitch!
I would call the police
and they'd send someone.
Who?
- The cops. Duh.
The police are gonna
send the cops.
They're the same thing!
No, they're not!
There's a difference.
Nuh-uh.
- Yuh-huh.
Whoa, whoa, ladies, ladies,
I'll get us unstuck.
No need to be
calling The Man.
Marcus,
little help maybe?
This sucks.
- My hair!
They're half our age
and they're all of them complaining,
every single one of them.
You just sit right
back down over here.
Not very familiar with
your stories yet, huh?
Shawn, how many of these
tours have you done?
Oh, I-I-I've
done a bunch.
Oh, Jim, this is
a fine how-do-you-do.
Ew! My feet are
getting wet.
Are we sinking?
No! No, we're
not sinking.
It certainly looks like
it now, doesn't it?
Everyone calm down!
Th-this tree that we're stuck
on goes all the way to the shore.
Maybe there's a road
or a phone or something.
Oh, out here in
the middle of nowhere?
Well, we can't
stay here.
No, no, no, Jim, I think we
should stay here and wait for help.
There's gotta be another tour
boat coming through soon, right?
Probably not. It's
raining pretty bad.
Lovekins, we can walk right
across this tree to the shore.
No, no, it looks dangerous.
Damn. I could
be at a bar.
You are not gonna- No!
Here, watch me.
Oh, oh, Jim, wait!
It's okay, don't
worry about it.
Honey, come
back here!
Okay, it's a little slippery,
so you have to watch your step.
But I think-
Oh!
Someone help me!
Do something! Do something!
- He's got my leg!
Oh, God, it's gonna
take my leg off!
Get him to the shore!
With his blood in the water, this whole
place is gonna be a feeding frenzy.
Move!
Come on, everyone off the boat.
It's sinking.
No way! I'm not
going out there!
Oh, you're going
out there.
Jim! Is Jim all right?
- He's fine. He's okay.
Put your weight
on your left leg.
Okay.
- Jim!
No, don't cry,
don't worry.
It's all right, all right?
Just come on, I got you.
Shh. Don't worry,
don't worry.
Come on. Stand up!
I can't!
Honey, you need to stand up.
It's safer the higher up you get.
I don't want to.
Come on, I got you.
Stand up!
- I can't!
Misty! Mist!
Look at me. Look at me.
You're gonna be fine.
Just walk across.
Come on, I got you.
Come on! Walk across.
We don't have time.
Come on!
Hurry up!
Whoa!
Come on! Get out
of the water!
Get out of the water!
God!
Where'd it go?
What was that?
Run!
Go, go, go!
Good going, jackass!
- Hey, screw you!
You guys, we need to get
out of these woods.
Gators can walk
on land, too. Go!
But my hat!
Stop!
Slow down.
Don't hurt yourself.
You all right?
Oh, oh, watch out,
watch out, watch out.
Right here, right here.
Oh, my gosh!
Does somebody wanna tell me
what the hell's going on?
Does someone wanna explain
why Janie's got a gun?
Yeah, why do you
have a gun?
Oh, why should I tell you,
you little con artist?
Huh?
Okay, okay, look.
I'm gonna be honest.
I just moved down
here from Detroit.
My brother, he hooked me up
with this touristy gig,
told me I could make a ton
of dough, so I say try it out.
How many tours
have you done?
More importantly, how many
boats you ever driven?
Look, I did the one tour
last night.
I did this one
here tonight, all right?
The boat didn't
sink last night!
I can't believe this.
What the hell
does she have a gun for?
That's what I
want to know.
Because I'm lookin'
for another boat, okay?
My daddy and my brother went out
hunting on this river two nights ago
and they never came back.
The cops said they're probably just
off on a bender or something somewhere,
but I know that isn't
what happened.
So you go on a ghost tour?
How does that make any sense?
30 bucks for a boat ride
was a hell of a lot cheaper
than gettin'
my own boat, wasn't it?
That still doesn't
explain the gun.
Yeah, and why her ticket
was only 30 bucks.
I have a gun because
these woods aren't safe.
Besides, it just
saved his life.
Stop it! My husband needs help.
Look, we need to get him help and
we need to get outta these woods.
Who made you the leader?
We should call for help
and stay right here.
No bars.
I hate the south!
I don't think we should
move him right now.
Well, we have to!
- He's bleeding
pretty badly; we can't
carry him all the way home.
If we don't get out
of these woods right now,
we're all gonna die.
What are you talking about?
These are his woods.
Whose woods?
Victor Crowley.
Enough with
the stories already, huh?
Y'all don't even
know where you are.
I already told you that-
- All right, shut up.
Okay? You're not
even from here.
Where are we?
It was like
a dirty secret.
Victor Crowley was born
horribly disfigured.
His daddy kept him
hidden away in his house,
where no one
would see him.
They lived
like that for years,
just keepin'
to themselves,
alone.
Victor was scared
to death of other kids.
They teased him
and tortured him,
like kids do.
They were so cruel.
And then, years later,
on Halloween night,
some teenagers came
to the house.
They were tryin' to
get a look at him,
tryin' to scare him
out of the house.
Mr. Crowley got home, and he
tried and tried to get inside,
but the door was on fire.
He could hear Victor screaming
inside, but he couldn't get in.
So he ran and got
himself a hatchet,
and he started
chopping at that door.
But Victor was pressed up against
the other side, trying to get out.
And it was an accident, but he hit
him in the face with that hatchet,
and poor Victor Crowley died.
The old man became
a recluse after that.
He never
left his house,
just sat there
for almost ten years,
before he finally died
of a broken heart.
And from that point on, people
started disappearing in this swamp.
All the locals
and hunters say
that if you get close enough
to the Crowley house at night,
you can still hear
Victor Crowley,
cryin' for his daddy
in the woods.
They say he's come back.
He wanders
the swamp at night,
with that hatchet slash
across his face.
This whole part of the river's
illegal to even be in.
It has been for years.
That's why there's
no other tour boats.
And that's why he
brought us this way,
so he wouldn't get caught
running his phony business.
That's why I came.
To find your father?
And my brother.
They started comin' down this
way to hunt gators last week.
Thought they'd catch more, bein'
the only boat in a closed-off swamp.
I told them
not to come.
So you think a ghost
got your family?
Okay, that-that
is so stupid!
Look around. There's
no one in these woods!
Yes, there is.
They probably got stuck,
just like we did,
and had to walk
the whole way home.
Right now, they're probably
sittin' at a Denny's or something.
Moons Over My Hammy.
Besides, we are nowhere
near the Crowley house.
Okay? I already told you,
it's on the other side of
the river, over two miles ago.
That wasn't the house!
How do you know?
Because that is.
Look, I told you all
the truth, okay?
I don't care
who believes it.
You are really starting
to freak me out, all right?
I just want to go home.
Tell me this is
part of the tour.
Oh, yeah, I sink
the boat every night.
It's hilarious.
I want my money back.
All right, okay. There's gotta be
a road around here or something.
Shit.
I don't wanna
go that way.
I'm not
going that way.
If it's
the quickest way,
then that's the way
we're going!
Why couldn't you keep your
stories to yourself, huh?
We're not
in enough trouble
that you had to scare the
pants off everyone, too?
I am trying to help you.
Y'all need to know the truth.
Baloney!
All right, all right. Just- You
help me come pick him up, all right?
Come on. Right
over my shoulder.
Get up.
Be careful, be careful.
Easy, easy.
You got him, man?
I'm right
here, Jim.
Here you go.
Easy, easy.
All right, everything's
gonna be just fine.
Look, we'll get him some help
and we'll all go home.
Stay close to me.
You're really scared
of that story, huh?
I mean, look, it's just
a myth. Everybody has 'em.
Bigfoot,
Loch Ness Monster.
Please stop talking.
- Okay.
I cannot believe that I
am out here in a swamp.
I bet Julia Roberts
didn't have to do this
before she got
Mystic Pizza.
Do you believe that
Victor Whatever story?
Oh, absolutely not.
I don't trust
anyone around here.
I mean, these people sleep
exclusively with their own families.
Yo, why is it that the crackers
are back there with the honeys
and we two brothers gotta
carry the injured dude?
I am so sorry.
I never meant for
any of this to happen.
I just want
to get to a road,
then I'm gonna
whip your ass.
Jim, how you
doin', baby?
I'm so cold. It hurts
like a son of a gun!
How much further is
the road past the house?
I don't know.
Few miles.
A few miles?
Are you kidding me?
Daddy.
Did you-
Shh.
Daddy.
I want to go home.
Oh!
You are all
a bunch of cowards!
Is anybody home?
Somebody help us!
We need help!
Please stop. We shouldn't have gone
this way. We need to turn around.
And go where?
Back in the water?
Please, just stop.
We need to
stick together.
We need to stop him.
- Come on!
Y- Y-You can't carry him
all by yourself.
I'm right here, baby.
Everything's gonna be all right.
We don't need
those loonies,
those cowards!
Stop! We need
to stick together.
Everything's gonna
be just fine.
We have the Good Lord
with us, baby.
The Good Lord
will protect us.
Raahr!
Aah!
Aah!
Ohh!
Oh, my God!
Come on!
Stop!
Help us! Help us!
Aah!
Aah!
Wait! Wait!
It's me! It's me!
It's me!
Where is everyone?
- I don't know.
We're over here.
What happened?
They're both dead.
But I shot him.
- You shot him?
But I thought he was a ghost!
You can't shoot a ghost.
You can shoot
a ghost?
Did you kill him?
- I don't know.
He fell down.
- God, this isn't happening!
W- W-Where's Marcus?
Up here.
What are you
doing? Get down!
Don't- No way. No way.
I'm stayin' right here.
This is bullshit, man,
this is fucked up.
What can you see
from up there?
I can see ain't no dead
Elephant Man comin' to get me.
Come on. Do you see
a road? Lights? Anything?
I think I see downtown,
but I don't know.
Well, how far?
What direction?
That way. But it's far,
way too far.
All right. Did you see a
road or cars or something?
What kind of
stupid shit, man?
It's dark, it's wet,
and I can't see shit.
Wait. Where's Shapiro?
Doug! Hey, Shapiro,
where are you?
Keep it down!
We need
to keep moving.
We can't just
leave him out here.
Then why don't you just
run off and go find him?
That was mean.
Try your phone.
I dropped it.
You lost it?
Moron!
- Shut up, skank.
Enough! He could not have
gotten very far, okay? Let's go!
All right, Marcus,
come on, let's go.
No way. No, I'm
stayin' right here.
No need to
panic, okay?
Just come down.
We gotta go get help.
All right. We'll send someone
for you tomorrow. Let's go.
Wait, wait,
hold up, hold up.
I'm comin'.
Damn it.
Not even supposed to be
here right now, man.
Supposed to be lookin' at some
titties, man. What's wrong with us?
Shit. How the fuck did I
get up in this goddamn tree?
God damn it, a branch
hit me in the nuts.
This is bullshit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
If you shot him,
aren't we safe now?
Maybe he's not a ghost.
Maybe- Maybe he's just some sick,
twisted backwoods hick
who, like, snapped
and went on a killing spree.
Yeah, and now he's dead
because she shot him.
Ugh, get
your own theories.
Oh, God.
Some backwoods hick, huh?
Who says it's not some spoiled
little city brat who went crazy
after doing soft-core porn
to get back at her parents?
Okay,
for your information,
I am from the Valley,
not the city.
Victor Crowley is real.
My mama always said
that sometimes,
if a person dies
all traumatic-like,
then their spirit can get kind of
just stuck in the night they died.
Like
a poltergeist?
Like a ghost that can
physically move things?
No, like a ghost who can
rip someone to pieces
right in front of you.
I just wanna get
the hell out of here.
You know what,
Jackie Tucker?
Your tour sucks my ass.
What did you just call me?
You heard me.
Say it again!
I'll say it all night, you
fake Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker,
"I think I hear a little Emeril,"
you confused wanna-be-
Why don't you just get
off my case, asshole?
It was an accident,
for Christ's sake!
Okay, look.
I'm going to be completely and
totally honest with you guys.
I, like-
Ooh, shit!
- What? What?
Ah!
Marcus, come on!
Come on!
Hey, come on!
Shit!
Stop. Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.
This isn't my fault,
all right?
Oh, really?
- Yes, really!
What, you think
I actually believe
these stupid, lame-ass
ghost stories?
Well,
I'm believing it now!
Did you see that shit back there?
- Guys! Guys.
I bet this means
Shapiro was here.
What a genius.
You do know the vibrator goes in
your cooch and not your ear, right?
Hey, why don't you suck
your dad off again, bitch?
I will right after
you're done.
Fine.
- Good.
All right,
anybody got a lighter?
What are you doing?
I'll show you.
Looking for this.
What else do we got here?
"Samuel M. Barrett?"
What's that?
Shapiro.
It's his driver's license.
What?
- I don't know.
Credit card:
Samuel M. Barrett,
ten bucks, condom,
business car-
We got two sets here.
Samuel M. Barrett, Whitman
Diagnostics Senior Marketing Manager.
Doug Shapiro,
Producer/Director.
That asshole!
I flew all the way down here
from New York, and he-
Ugh!
So he really didn't
work for Bayou Beavers?
I'm thinking no.
Dude must pretend
he's a producer
to get his own
little collection.
Good idea.
That pervert.
Why are all men
such slime?
I can't believe
I've fallen for that shit
three times now.
Okay, whoa, whoa.
Anyone else have
anymore secrets?
Because if I find out
someone else is lying,
I swear
I'll kill you myself.
I didn't really go to NYU.
It was my first choice,
but I didn't get in.
So I went to Hofstra.
We don't have
time for this.
I was moving to Hollywood
next month to be famous.
And now I'm going to die
with all you assholes!
Look, we shot him,
all right?
Nobody's going to die.
Ah! Oh!
Will somebody
shut her up?
He's still alive.
No, man, he looks
dead as shit.
Not him...
Crowley.
Okay, you only shot him,
like, once, right?
Maybe you gotta
shoot him more times.
Like, I don't know,
four or six times.
Maybe you gotta shoot him,
like, six times!
I wanna keep moving!
Can we please keep moving?
I don't want to stay here!
We should stick to where
we can see the river,
so we won't get more lost.
Shh.
Did y'all hear that?
- What?
It's over here.
What is that?
My cell phone!
# I don't wanna wait #
# For our lives to be over #
# I want to know
right now- #
We have a signal.
Oh, God.
- No, no, no.
It's a good thing.
We can call for help.
No!
Shit, we just went
in a huge circle!
I thought you knew
your way around here.
Oh, said the fucking
tour guide.
Hey, I don't want to hit you,
but you're making it-
Shut the fu-
Okay, I'm gonna go check out that
barn, see if there's a weapon.
There's gotta be something
else to fight back with.
No, you can't go back
to that house.
I only have a few shots left.
We need something else.
What if it comes back?
We don't have much time.
All-
Stay here.
Cool.
- Cool.
Do you have signal
on that thing?
Come on.
Go through.
We shouldn't stay here.
We gotta keep moving.
Look, if it was ringing,
it has to work.
Ew! Scott Barnes called me?
What? Will you just dial?
It won't let me.
Work, God damn it.
I think he ate these things.
Aah!
Shh, shh, shh!
What? What?
It's my daddy and my brother.
No...
Are you sure
the number is 911?
What else would it be,
dumbass?
Well, how should I know
if it's the cell?
Maybe you have to type in
a different area code.
Oh, God.
What?
Don't move.
I said-
Sorry.
I think we should run.
What if it's a person
and they need help?
We'll apologize later.
I think there's
a kid in there.
You're crazy.
If it was that monster,
we'd already be dead.
Screw this.
What is that?
Aw, hell, no.
I'm not walking
over there.
What if someone's hurt?
If they're still alive,
they're doing a lot better
than some people we know.
We just can't leave
someone out here to die.
Look who grew a conscience.
Look, they might need help.
Why me?
Because you have
a flashlight.
Fine. I get it.
I see how it is.
Let the brotha do it, huh?
I'm a man.
I'll walk over here.
I'm the man of the group
anyway, because I whooped you.
All right.
Oh, shit! Oh!
Don't touch me, man!
Damn. All right.
See if it's a little
baby in there.
Hey, baby.
You up in here?
Oh, man, it's just a stup-
Ahh!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Give me-
No...
No! Please!
Wait, wait. No.
No, wait, wait, wait-
Die, you motherfucker!
Raahr!
Aah!
No!
Ow! Shit! Ow!
I think we're losing him.
Ow! Hold on!
- No-
I can't run!
You have to!
- What are you doing? Come on!
Shut up,
you redneck twat!
Uh!
You... hit me!
Yeah, and if you
don't shut up,
I'm going to kick
your teeth out.
You cruel, stupid, slutty-
Guys, we don't
have time for this!
I just want to make it stop.
Please, I just want
to wake up.
We have to keep moving
away from that house.
It don't matter.
This is his swamp.
He's just going
to kill us all.
There's gotta be something
that we can do.
He is trapped in the night
that he was killed.
He's angry,
and he is scared.
He's gonna mutilate
anyone that comes near him.
What if he's human?
What if he never really died?
That thing
was never human.
Oh, shit.
Guys, battery's not
gonna last much longer.
All right.
Let's go, let's go!
Which way?
- Um...
That way.
- Raahr!
Uhh!
Stop! Stop, guys!
Guys, stop!
This is useless.
He's just going
to keep coming for us
until we're all dead.
We can't stop running.
What else
are we going to do?
We can hurt him,
ghost or not.
Look, you saw
how fast he fell
when I stuck him
back there.
He went down
when you shot him.
I'm saying we fight back.
How?
Missy, you got
that lighter on you?
Oh, you want to fight
that monster with my lighter?
Look, there were some
gas canisters back at the shed.
Were they full?
I don't know.
Maybe.
Wait, you want to go
back to the shed?
I thought the further we got
from the house, the safer we get.
If we don't kill him,
he'll kill us all.
You're crazy!
Man, you don't even know
if there's gas in those cans.
I know it's a better
chance than we have
running around in these woods,
getting picked off one by one.
No, you're right.
Everything is soaked.
How are we going
to start a fire?
If one of us
can get close enough
to throw that gas
on him...
We can light him up.
You're all high.
No way.
I am not-
Do you have a better idea?
No.
All right,
let's do this.
How?
Hurry.
Hey, buy me some time
in here, all right?
Yell if you hear anything.
Ugh.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Okay.
Ooh.
You see anything?
Nuh-uh.
Ah!
I'm okay!
Oh, shit.
I don't like this.
It's too quiet.
All right, come on.
Let's distract him.
Hey, asshole!
Come out!
We're right here!
Yeah, come out
and get us, Crowley!
Where are you?
Come on, you freak!
You look like you've
been molested by wolves!
Show yourself,
you ugly bastard!
Come and get me, Crowley!
What? You afraid I'm gonna
whip your ass again,
you little bitch?
All right, come on!
One on one!
Me and you!
I'll put my foot
so far in your ass
you're gonna be pulling shoelaces
out your teeth for a week!
You see anything?
Nothing.
Oh, shit.
Ben, get outta there!
- Ben!
Hurry up! Get out!
Ack!
Ah! Oof!
Raahr!
- Aah!
Uh!
Yes! Burn, bitch!
You gotta be
fucking kidding me!
Now what?
- No, just come on. Let's just go.
Ben.
Ben, you-
Hey, look at me!
All this bought us is time.
Don't waste it.
Come on.
This way.
There's gotta be a path
that leads into the cemetery.
Shit.
This is shit, man.
- Shit.
Over here.
Oh, shit.
All right, let's follow this
till we find an opening.
There it is.
Thank God.
He's gonna kill me! Go!
There's a gate!
Oh, shit!
Oh! He got me!
Ow! Guys...
You guys are gonna
break me in half!
That was the only gate.
Aw, damn, man!
It's back into the woods.
No!
Run!
No!
- Run!
Ow! Oh!
Uh! Oh... shit!
Come on.
Raahr!
Holy shit! Ow!
Come on.
No, come-
No!
Mar-
Marcus!
I can't-
I can't go any further.
Yes, you can!
Come on!
I think I hear the river!
Please.
Come on.
- No.
We're not going
to die out here, okay?
Come on!
No! No!
You'll get eaten alive
in there.
Then where do we go?
Aah!
Raahr!
Get away!
Push against the pole-
Ahh!
Push against the pole
with your knees!
Come on.
Ah.
I got you. I got you.
Okay. Okay, okay.
That's my daddy's boat.
Come on. Come on.
Here.
Use this.
Hey. Hey.
Thanks...
for sticking with me
back there..
No.
My daddy.
And Ainsley.
Listen.
We're alive.
We made it.
I know.
Raah!
No!
Marybeth!
Marybeth!
out here over three hours.
I mean, we don't even know
where the hell she went.
She's at least...
a 12-footer
if I ever saw one.
No, I ain't leavin' here
without her.
Man, I'm cold.
Shh.
Shut your hole.
Come on, man.
Can we pull over?
I gotta take
a piss.
Go off the side
of the boat.
Come on.
We ain't beachin' it.
Shit.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, come on, man.
I can't go like this.
Why in the hell not?
Well, 'cause it's weird
with you sittin' there
like that.
Just keep it down,
would ya?
See, no matter
what I say,
it's,
"Shut up, Ainsley,"
or, "You're queer,
Ainsley,"
or, "Why can't you be more
like your sister, Ainsley?"
I said shut up,
you little queer.
See?
See that?
Asshole.
What'd you say, boy?
Nothin'.
Now, don't make me throw
you in the swamp, now.
Yeah, you go-
Jesus Christ!
Jesus, son, what happened?
She tried to bite
my sack off!
You let her get away,
you moron!
Well, what the hell
was I supposed to do?
For crying out loud,
can we just pull over,
so I can finish
my damn piss? Lord!
Y'all hurry up now.
Goddamn queer's
gotta squat to take a leak.
Oh, shit.
Keep still, Ainsley.
I think she's back.
Well, what should I do?
Don't make a sound.
Stay right there.
Pa?
Did you get her?
Pa?
Maybe we can go home now?
Pa?
Huh?
Pa?
Pa?
Pa?
Come on!
Come and get it,
you bitch!
I'll kill you!
Oh, God!
It hurts!
Oh, God!
Help me!
I need some beads.
Cheer up, man. This is
Mardi Gras. This is fun.
And I'm having a blast.
Oh, oh, right here, right
here, right here. Look at that.
Oh! Look at those boobs
right there.
Hey!
Hey.
They're somethin'
new, right?
Haven't you seen
enough boobs?
I'm just not feelin' this.
I- I shoulda stayed at home.
What, so you could sit in your
room and cry about Heather?
Christine.
Man, man. We came down here
to have a good time.
You? You're fighting it.
There's fun all around you.
Stop standing there
like a bitch.
How is this fun?
This place is disgusting.
Our hotel room smells
like sweaty balls, man.
Everybody's just drunk
and looking for a fight.
You! You threw up six times
yesterday. How do you even do that?
You guys just stay
and have fun, all right?
I'm gonna go find
something to do.
What, by yourself?
DeWitt and Robinson told me about
this haunted swamp tour thing
that they did last year;
they said it was amazing.
You see all these, like, floating
lights and stuff on the water. Just-
You wanna leave all of this to go
look at some damn lights in a swamp?
You don't have to
come with me, Marcus.
Look, I'll see you guys
back at the hotel.
Cool.
Man, wait up, wait up.
Wait up, man. I'll go-
Marcus, no,
go ahead and-
No, no, no. I'm goin'
with you. It's cool.
Thanks, man.
Buddy, you're gonna be
so psyched you did this.
I think I'd rather
skin my own dick.
Right. It's official.
Here it is.
No more chicks.
They're closed.
No. They can't
be closed.
But indeed they are. There's
a big "Closed" sign and it's-
You're still knocking.
All right, this sucks.
It doesn't suck.
It's gonna be cool.
For you,
'cause you suck.
Shut up!
What do you want?
Uh... we wanted to do
a haunted swamp tour.
I don't do
night tours anymore.
I'm not allowed to.
Okay, it's just that our friends told
us that you did one here last year.
I can't do
night tours anymore.
Insurance got too high...
after what happened.
Too bad. Let's roll.
- W-w-w-w-wait.
Uh, what happened?
Oh, you don't want
to know.
I so do.
Here we go.
I led a tour group
out in the swamp
last Halloween.
It was the midst of night.
Yeah?
And there was this kid
who looked kinda like you.
He got spooked by
something in the marsh.
He saw two eyes staring
at him from the woods.
Chilled him to
his very marrow.
He wanted to get
off the boat in a hurry.
And he had his foot
dangling over the edge.
He-
He fell in?
A gator got him?
What happened?
He slipped,
hit his head
right on the roof,
and sued me for negligence!
That cocksucker!
That's it?
Try Marie Laveau.
- Excuse me?
Two blocks east
on Olive Street.
But you didn't
hear it from me.
I have to go tend
to my birds.
Be careful walking
on the sidewalk.
- Wh-whoa, come on,
man, wait. - What?
It's dead as hell
down there, right?
Fun party...
bad badness.
Wait! Ben,
this is so lame!
How is this gonna help
you get over her?
Marcus, this whole scene
back here, it's just-
Every hot, half-naked chick
I see reminds me of Christine.
Y'know? Probably gettin'
banged by that Bulkowski guy,
in her living room, bent over that
beige loveseat that my mom bought her.
What happened to dating
a normal guy?
That guy's got a neck
the size of a truck.
And that whole cauliflower
ear? That's weird.
What, is he gonna wrestle
her to submission?
All right, stop stop stop, that's it.
- All right, okay.
I don't wanna think about
Bulkowski bangin' your girl anymore.
I don't either.
I get it.
Come on, man, this
is gonna be fun.
Guess there ain't no chicks at
the swamp. Won't be needin' these.
It'll be fun.
'Bout as fun as crabs.
- You would know.
Screw that waitress
from Fezziwig's, man.
You did.
I didn't know she had
bugs in her bush.
She was scratchin'
herself all night.
What do you mean,
you didn't know?
You can't hook up with itchy
chicks, Marcus. Everybody knows that.
She said it was a reaction
to her fabric softener, okay?
All right?
I saw it, I asked.
Fabric softener. Look
at you, mister big shot.
"Everyone knows that. " When's
the last time you got laid?
I have sex all the-
- Shut up.
Ladies.
This is really fun.
- Whoo!
Whoa.
That's good.
Good. Uh...
Uh... um...
Give us a kiss?
Ooh, yes.
Yeah, you love it.
You want it.
You need it.
Oh, damn, I-I gotta
change batteries.
God. Brush
your teeth much?
Lick me, bitch.
No thanks, I like my tongue
without the syphilis.
You're syphilis,
miss big words.
Okay, that didn't
even make sense.
Lick me.
Misty, Jenna...
you can get along for a
couple more hours, can't ya?
Seriously, Doug? I can't
work with that.
I'm a professional actress.
I went to NYU.
What's so funny?
Like anybody's ever
even heard of that.
New York University?
- Never heard of it.
Girls, girls, nobody ever got
discovered by being difficult, huh?
I mean, I-I-I need you guys
to show me the love, all right?
- Fine. - I need to feel the
passion here, all right?
We're rolling.
All right. I need
to feel the passion.
We're rolling.
All right.
You're sensuous...
You're playful.
You're curious.
Hmm.
You're smitten.
Who's ready to do
some hauntin', huh?
Hahaha. The night will
soon be upon us.
The spirits of the damned
are on the rise.
Let's get our souls
on the move, my friends!
What can I do
you two for?
Do you do
a haunted swamp tour?
Why, I do the only
haunted swamp tour!
Real, live ghosts.
Whoo. Tales of the macabre.
And actual sites that are
still damned by voodoo curses.
I hate you.
Oh!
Leaving right now,
40 bones each.
Forty dollars?
- Yes.
All right.
Will you spot me?
Why? You don't
have any cash?
No, I'm just not paying
for this bullshit.
I know, darling.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi there.
How are you doin'?
Oh, my.
Oh, hey.
You mind if
I sit here?
Be my guest.
Hello.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
Uh... so... I guess
I'm sitting here.
I'm Ben.
Marybeth.
Marybeth. That's
a great name.
'Cause it's actually
two names, you know.
Most people just have one,
and that's kinda boring.
Ben.
But Marybeth, it's-
you know, it's Mary
and it's, uh, Beth.
That's a nice coat.
So do you have
any pets or-
Are you enjoying
Mardi Gras?
Yep.
Couldn't find anyone brave enough
to do the ghost tour with you, huh?
Nope.
Right on.
Right on.
Some buddies of mine back
home went on this tour-
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't come on this tour
'cause I was hoping
that just maybe
I'd get to meet you.
If you don't mind,
I'd like to just sit
and stare out this window
and get my $30 worth, okay?
Hey, what the fuck?
Okay, folks, I am
your tour guide, Shawn.
Just sit back and get
ready to enjoy-
Uh, dawg? You don't
need that thing.
It's, like, the size
of a Mini Cooper.
Hahaha. See who laughs,
eh, pukai?
Like a Mini Cooper limo,
you know what I mean?
That's what I'm
talkin' about.
I'm-
- I-
Oh, no, you-
- We-
We are so cute
when we do that!
I'm Marcus.
- Jenna.
Hello there.
Jim Permatteo.
And this here's
the missus, Shannon.
How do you do?
Doug Shapiro.
Nice to meet you.
Nice camera.
Makin' a movie?
Yeah.
Well, what do
you know, lovekins?
We've got ourselves
a director over here.
How exciting. What kind
of movie is it?
Well, have you ever heard
of Bayou Beavers?
Sure. No.
- No.
Okay, everyone.
If you take a look
out your right side,
you'll see
the legendary Saint Louis
Cemetery Number One,
uh, founded in
178, uh, 9,
this here's the resting place of
the first black mayor of New Orleans,
Ernest Morial.
It is also believed
to be the burial site
of the infamous
voodoo queen Marie Laveau.
Haha, yes, sir.
Now, y'all notice how we bury
our dead above the ground?
Well, that's because of all the
voodoo curses in the air down here.
The dead have a tendency
to rise out of the dirt,
so we like to keep 'em
cemented in instead.
Shawn, excuse me, but we heard that
the reason you bury them above ground
is because of
the water level.
Oh, no.
- That's right.
The water level is so high that
sometimes things in the ground
will rise back up
to the surface.
No, that's not why.
But we heard-
I said no!
All right,
time's wasting.
Everyone onboard.
Scary bus to scary boat.
Everyone.
- Watch your step, lovekins.
All right, all right,
heh heh heh heh.
Hey there, hey there, all right.
No time- No time for dilly-dallying.
Gotta beat the rush.
That's right.
All right, all right,
comin' through.
Okay, gotta go, gotta go.
Dude.
That's the boat?
Okay, let's, uh,
see something, girls.
Whoo!
Okay, you're silly.
You're tough.
You're cute.
You've got a secret.
Come on, lovekins.
- look like she's old
enough to be in porn-
Oh!
That's it, all aboard.
All right, here we go.
Hey! You there!
Hello!
Mr. Shawn, I think that man's
trying to talk to you.
Oh, no, no, no.
Heh heh.
Hey! Where ya think you're goin'?
What's he saying?
Oh, that guy? Don't mind him.
That's just Jack Cracker.
Jack Cracker?
Yeah, yeah, one of the local
alligator hunters.
Just sits there,
yells things.
Drinks his own piss.
He's, you know,
cracked.
Come on.
This swamp is closed!
Hey! The swamp is-
Victor Crowley!
What's he saying?
Okay, okay, okay, here we go.
Everybody wave bye-bye to Jack.
Everybody wave bye-bye to Jack.
- Whoo!
Bye, Jack! Bye, Mr. Cracker!
Bye-bye!
You're all gonna die.
Oh, yeah. That's good.
Remember, you don't
need to keep
all your fingers
and toes onboard,
just the ones
you want to keep.
Heh heh heh. That's right.
There's big alligators
in these here waters.
Hey, now, check it out.
Off to the left,
you'll see something you don't
see every day, but I do.
Heh heh. Real live
cypress tress.
Now here, what did the Spanish
moss say to the cypress?
"Mind if I hang around?"
Heh heh heh.
You know, sometimes I'll tell
that joke in espaol.
Hey there, isn't
the cypress the Louisiana state tree?
I bet it sure is.
Yeah, since 1963,
the bald cypress.
Oh, now, only room
for one guide
on this boat now. Heh heh.
Now, we're gonna move
into a part of the swamp
with the scary ghosts, y'all.
I need everyone to be
overenthusiastic,
or you'll wind up
overboard.
Now, here on
the Mississippi Bayou,
hundreds of fishermen and old
pirates have lost their lives.
And if we're lucky, we might
be able to see their souls
floating over the waters
where they up and died.
Now, you all should feel very safe.
- This is beat.
Come on, man, give it
a break. This is fun.
'Bout as fun
as a bag of dicks.
This is beat as hell.
Only thing scary is
Uncle Remus meets Bruce Lee.
Feel like I'm in Enter the
Song of the South or some shit.
What about your
new girlie here, huh?
She all right.
But it's not like I'm pulling
the ass on this stupid boat.
Okay, so lay the groundwork,
set it up for later.
Like you and
what's-her-face?
"That's a nice coat. "
That was classic.
About as classic as-
It's about as classic as-
I got nothin'.
- Exactly.
Now, comin' up, you'll all see a
old house with a barn behind it.
That right there is the home of
a real famous Louisiana legend,
Victor Crowley.
Hatchet Face.
The legend is, is that
he was a deformed man
whose own father
went nuts...
...and whacked him in the
face with a hatchet one night.
Probably on account of he
was so ugly or something.
Anyway, he died.
And so the story goes is that...
...if you're ever near the old
Crowley house late at night,
you'll still hear old Victor
Crowley cryin' for his daddy.
Daddy.
- Y'all hear that?
Hmm.
Daddy!
I done heard it again!
That ain't the story.
That's the gist
of it, anyway.
It's not even the house.
Christ! Would you just
let me do my job?
Y'all try
the crawfish yet?
I'm so psyched
I did this.
- That fade you had
in high school. - What?
It's about as classic
as that fade you had-
Too late.
- What?
You still on classic?
Are y'all ready to see
something really scary?
Huh? Are y'all ready?
Everyone who's ready
say, "Oh, yeah".
Okay, I'm gonna do it anyway.
Here we go.
Okay, folks, I'm gonna shut
the lights off for a second.
Once your eyes adjust, you'll be
able to see some of the ghost lights,
just hovering above the water
over to the right at Kwaj Island.
I don't see anything.
Uh, wait till
your eyes adjust.
They're adjusted, there's
just nothing there.
Hey, can we get those
lights going again?
You're killing all
my camera shots.
Jim, look! I think
I see something.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah, you see?
Not one but two ghosts!
Yeah, I told y'all.
Isn't that just a chemical reaction
from the water and the gases?
No, no, no, man! It's-
They're ghosts! Look!
Nah, bra. Those are marsh
vapors. I've seen this on TV.
Hell, man, why'd you all
come, then? They're ghosts!
Oh, you're right.
Except no.
Damn it.
Now, uh, that's the spot
where Captain John Donovan
supposedly buried
a trunk full a treasure.
Legend says, though, that he left
two of his crew behind to guard it,
but he cut off their legs
so they couldn't run away.
That's a stupid story.
Fine.
Jim, did you see that?
I did. What was that?
Oh, it could- it c-could be
one of the more active spirits
we sometimes get
after it rains.
Hoo hoo hoo, it's spooky,
isn't it, folks? Hahaha.
Okay, perfect.
Perfect.
Hey, who wants to be in
the Halloween video?
Ugh.
- Come on, girls.
Whoo!
Okay, your "Whoo" is
so not in the moment.
Yeah? Well, your
nipples are dumb. Ugh.
This is pretty cool.
It's cold.
Not much of
a talker, are you?
I ain't here
to make friends.
Friends. Nice.
Must be a local.
I just didn't know that
locals did this touristy stuff.
We don't.
- No, of course. Yeah. No.
Yeah, I wouldn't really
do it either, normally.
It's just buddies of
mine from college...
...told me about it and
said it was cool, so...
I figured what
the hell, you know?
Check out the swamp.
Enjoy the activity.
I'm gonna be honest
with you right now.
I, uh, just got dumped by my
girlfriend of eight years,
and, uh, my friends took me down
here to try to get my mind off of it,
but, you know, I-
We were together since
the seventh grade May Dance,
and, you know, she tells
me she needs space.
What does that even mean
in girl language?
Space.
Whatever.
Get my mind off of it.
Just relax.
- Jesus!
- Drive much?
What happened?
Oh, we just...
got stuck.
Stuck? On what?
Oh, on some rocks or something.
I don't know.
Uh, here. Someone-
Someone give me a hand.
Here. Help me push
the boat off.
Is this a part
of every tour?
Relax. It's all good.
All part of the tour!
Damn it!
Who are you
gonna call, Daddy?
Shut up,
you nasty bitch!
I would call the police
and they'd send someone.
Who?
- The cops. Duh.
The police are gonna
send the cops.
They're the same thing!
No, they're not!
There's a difference.
Nuh-uh.
- Yuh-huh.
Whoa, whoa, ladies, ladies,
I'll get us unstuck.
No need to be
calling The Man.
Marcus,
little help maybe?
This sucks.
- My hair!
They're half our age
and they're all of them complaining,
every single one of them.
You just sit right
back down over here.
Not very familiar with
your stories yet, huh?
Shawn, how many of these
tours have you done?
Oh, I-I-I've
done a bunch.
Oh, Jim, this is
a fine how-do-you-do.
Ew! My feet are
getting wet.
Are we sinking?
No! No, we're
not sinking.
It certainly looks like
it now, doesn't it?
Everyone calm down!
Th-this tree that we're stuck
on goes all the way to the shore.
Maybe there's a road
or a phone or something.
Oh, out here in
the middle of nowhere?
Well, we can't
stay here.
No, no, no, Jim, I think we
should stay here and wait for help.
There's gotta be another tour
boat coming through soon, right?
Probably not. It's
raining pretty bad.
Lovekins, we can walk right
across this tree to the shore.
No, no, it looks dangerous.
Damn. I could
be at a bar.
You are not gonna- No!
Here, watch me.
Oh, oh, Jim, wait!
It's okay, don't
worry about it.
Honey, come
back here!
Okay, it's a little slippery,
so you have to watch your step.
But I think-
Oh!
Someone help me!
Do something! Do something!
- He's got my leg!
Oh, God, it's gonna
take my leg off!
Get him to the shore!
With his blood in the water, this whole
place is gonna be a feeding frenzy.
Move!
Come on, everyone off the boat.
It's sinking.
No way! I'm not
going out there!
Oh, you're going
out there.
Jim! Is Jim all right?
- He's fine. He's okay.
Put your weight
on your left leg.
Okay.
- Jim!
No, don't cry,
don't worry.
It's all right, all right?
Just come on, I got you.
Shh. Don't worry,
don't worry.
Come on. Stand up!
I can't!
Honey, you need to stand up.
It's safer the higher up you get.
I don't want to.
Come on, I got you.
Stand up!
- I can't!
Misty! Mist!
Look at me. Look at me.
You're gonna be fine.
Just walk across.
Come on, I got you.
Come on! Walk across.
We don't have time.
Come on!
Hurry up!
Whoa!
Come on! Get out
of the water!
Get out of the water!
God!
Where'd it go?
What was that?
Run!
Go, go, go!
Good going, jackass!
- Hey, screw you!
You guys, we need to get
out of these woods.
Gators can walk
on land, too. Go!
But my hat!
Stop!
Slow down.
Don't hurt yourself.
You all right?
Oh, oh, watch out,
watch out, watch out.
Right here, right here.
Oh, my gosh!
Does somebody wanna tell me
what the hell's going on?
Does someone wanna explain
why Janie's got a gun?
Yeah, why do you
have a gun?
Oh, why should I tell you,
you little con artist?
Huh?
Okay, okay, look.
I'm gonna be honest.
I just moved down
here from Detroit.
My brother, he hooked me up
with this touristy gig,
told me I could make a ton
of dough, so I say try it out.
How many tours
have you done?
More importantly, how many
boats you ever driven?
Look, I did the one tour
last night.
I did this one
here tonight, all right?
The boat didn't
sink last night!
I can't believe this.
What the hell
does she have a gun for?
That's what I
want to know.
Because I'm lookin'
for another boat, okay?
My daddy and my brother went out
hunting on this river two nights ago
and they never came back.
The cops said they're probably just
off on a bender or something somewhere,
but I know that isn't
what happened.
So you go on a ghost tour?
How does that make any sense?
30 bucks for a boat ride
was a hell of a lot cheaper
than gettin'
my own boat, wasn't it?
That still doesn't
explain the gun.
Yeah, and why her ticket
was only 30 bucks.
I have a gun because
these woods aren't safe.
Besides, it just
saved his life.
Stop it! My husband needs help.
Look, we need to get him help and
we need to get outta these woods.
Who made you the leader?
We should call for help
and stay right here.
No bars.
I hate the south!
I don't think we should
move him right now.
Well, we have to!
- He's bleeding
pretty badly; we can't
carry him all the way home.
If we don't get out
of these woods right now,
we're all gonna die.
What are you talking about?
These are his woods.
Whose woods?
Victor Crowley.
Enough with
the stories already, huh?
Y'all don't even
know where you are.
I already told you that-
- All right, shut up.
Okay? You're not
even from here.
Where are we?
It was like
a dirty secret.
Victor Crowley was born
horribly disfigured.
His daddy kept him
hidden away in his house,
where no one
would see him.
They lived
like that for years,
just keepin'
to themselves,
alone.
Victor was scared
to death of other kids.
They teased him
and tortured him,
like kids do.
They were so cruel.
And then, years later,
on Halloween night,
some teenagers came
to the house.
They were tryin' to
get a look at him,
tryin' to scare him
out of the house.
Mr. Crowley got home, and he
tried and tried to get inside,
but the door was on fire.
He could hear Victor screaming
inside, but he couldn't get in.
So he ran and got
himself a hatchet,
and he started
chopping at that door.
But Victor was pressed up against
the other side, trying to get out.
And it was an accident, but he hit
him in the face with that hatchet,
and poor Victor Crowley died.
The old man became
a recluse after that.
He never
left his house,
just sat there
for almost ten years,
before he finally died
of a broken heart.
And from that point on, people
started disappearing in this swamp.
All the locals
and hunters say
that if you get close enough
to the Crowley house at night,
you can still hear
Victor Crowley,
cryin' for his daddy
in the woods.
They say he's come back.
He wanders
the swamp at night,
with that hatchet slash
across his face.
This whole part of the river's
illegal to even be in.
It has been for years.
That's why there's
no other tour boats.
And that's why he
brought us this way,
so he wouldn't get caught
running his phony business.
That's why I came.
To find your father?
And my brother.
They started comin' down this
way to hunt gators last week.
Thought they'd catch more, bein'
the only boat in a closed-off swamp.
I told them
not to come.
So you think a ghost
got your family?
Okay, that-that
is so stupid!
Look around. There's
no one in these woods!
Yes, there is.
They probably got stuck,
just like we did,
and had to walk
the whole way home.
Right now, they're probably
sittin' at a Denny's or something.
Moons Over My Hammy.
Besides, we are nowhere
near the Crowley house.
Okay? I already told you,
it's on the other side of
the river, over two miles ago.
That wasn't the house!
How do you know?
Because that is.
Look, I told you all
the truth, okay?
I don't care
who believes it.
You are really starting
to freak me out, all right?
I just want to go home.
Tell me this is
part of the tour.
Oh, yeah, I sink
the boat every night.
It's hilarious.
I want my money back.
All right, okay. There's gotta be
a road around here or something.
Shit.
I don't wanna
go that way.
I'm not
going that way.
If it's
the quickest way,
then that's the way
we're going!
Why couldn't you keep your
stories to yourself, huh?
We're not
in enough trouble
that you had to scare the
pants off everyone, too?
I am trying to help you.
Y'all need to know the truth.
Baloney!
All right, all right. Just- You
help me come pick him up, all right?
Come on. Right
over my shoulder.
Get up.
Be careful, be careful.
Easy, easy.
You got him, man?
I'm right
here, Jim.
Here you go.
Easy, easy.
All right, everything's
gonna be just fine.
Look, we'll get him some help
and we'll all go home.
Stay close to me.
You're really scared
of that story, huh?
I mean, look, it's just
a myth. Everybody has 'em.
Bigfoot,
Loch Ness Monster.
Please stop talking.
- Okay.
I cannot believe that I
am out here in a swamp.
I bet Julia Roberts
didn't have to do this
before she got
Mystic Pizza.
Do you believe that
Victor Whatever story?
Oh, absolutely not.
I don't trust
anyone around here.
I mean, these people sleep
exclusively with their own families.
Yo, why is it that the crackers
are back there with the honeys
and we two brothers gotta
carry the injured dude?
I am so sorry.
I never meant for
any of this to happen.
I just want
to get to a road,
then I'm gonna
whip your ass.
Jim, how you
doin', baby?
I'm so cold. It hurts
like a son of a gun!
How much further is
the road past the house?
I don't know.
Few miles.
A few miles?
Are you kidding me?
Daddy.
Did you-
Shh.
Daddy.
I want to go home.
Oh!
You are all
a bunch of cowards!
Is anybody home?
Somebody help us!
We need help!
Please stop. We shouldn't have gone
this way. We need to turn around.
And go where?
Back in the water?
Please, just stop.
We need to
stick together.
We need to stop him.
- Come on!
Y- Y-You can't carry him
all by yourself.
I'm right here, baby.
Everything's gonna be all right.
We don't need
those loonies,
those cowards!
Stop! We need
to stick together.
Everything's gonna
be just fine.
We have the Good Lord
with us, baby.
The Good Lord
will protect us.
Raahr!
Aah!
Aah!
Ohh!
Oh, my God!
Come on!
Stop!
Help us! Help us!
Aah!
Aah!
Wait! Wait!
It's me! It's me!
It's me!
Where is everyone?
- I don't know.
We're over here.
What happened?
They're both dead.
But I shot him.
- You shot him?
But I thought he was a ghost!
You can't shoot a ghost.
You can shoot
a ghost?
Did you kill him?
- I don't know.
He fell down.
- God, this isn't happening!
W- W-Where's Marcus?
Up here.
What are you
doing? Get down!
Don't- No way. No way.
I'm stayin' right here.
This is bullshit, man,
this is fucked up.
What can you see
from up there?
I can see ain't no dead
Elephant Man comin' to get me.
Come on. Do you see
a road? Lights? Anything?
I think I see downtown,
but I don't know.
Well, how far?
What direction?
That way. But it's far,
way too far.
All right. Did you see a
road or cars or something?
What kind of
stupid shit, man?
It's dark, it's wet,
and I can't see shit.
Wait. Where's Shapiro?
Doug! Hey, Shapiro,
where are you?
Keep it down!
We need
to keep moving.
We can't just
leave him out here.
Then why don't you just
run off and go find him?
That was mean.
Try your phone.
I dropped it.
You lost it?
Moron!
- Shut up, skank.
Enough! He could not have
gotten very far, okay? Let's go!
All right, Marcus,
come on, let's go.
No way. No, I'm
stayin' right here.
No need to
panic, okay?
Just come down.
We gotta go get help.
All right. We'll send someone
for you tomorrow. Let's go.
Wait, wait,
hold up, hold up.
I'm comin'.
Damn it.
Not even supposed to be
here right now, man.
Supposed to be lookin' at some
titties, man. What's wrong with us?
Shit. How the fuck did I
get up in this goddamn tree?
God damn it, a branch
hit me in the nuts.
This is bullshit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
If you shot him,
aren't we safe now?
Maybe he's not a ghost.
Maybe- Maybe he's just some sick,
twisted backwoods hick
who, like, snapped
and went on a killing spree.
Yeah, and now he's dead
because she shot him.
Ugh, get
your own theories.
Oh, God.
Some backwoods hick, huh?
Who says it's not some spoiled
little city brat who went crazy
after doing soft-core porn
to get back at her parents?
Okay,
for your information,
I am from the Valley,
not the city.
Victor Crowley is real.
My mama always said
that sometimes,
if a person dies
all traumatic-like,
then their spirit can get kind of
just stuck in the night they died.
Like
a poltergeist?
Like a ghost that can
physically move things?
No, like a ghost who can
rip someone to pieces
right in front of you.
I just wanna get
the hell out of here.
You know what,
Jackie Tucker?
Your tour sucks my ass.
What did you just call me?
You heard me.
Say it again!
I'll say it all night, you
fake Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker,
"I think I hear a little Emeril,"
you confused wanna-be-
Why don't you just get
off my case, asshole?
It was an accident,
for Christ's sake!
Okay, look.
I'm going to be completely and
totally honest with you guys.
I, like-
Ooh, shit!
- What? What?
Ah!
Marcus, come on!
Come on!
Hey, come on!
Shit!
Stop. Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.
This isn't my fault,
all right?
Oh, really?
- Yes, really!
What, you think
I actually believe
these stupid, lame-ass
ghost stories?
Well,
I'm believing it now!
Did you see that shit back there?
- Guys! Guys.
I bet this means
Shapiro was here.
What a genius.
You do know the vibrator goes in
your cooch and not your ear, right?
Hey, why don't you suck
your dad off again, bitch?
I will right after
you're done.
Fine.
- Good.
All right,
anybody got a lighter?
What are you doing?
I'll show you.
Looking for this.
What else do we got here?
"Samuel M. Barrett?"
What's that?
Shapiro.
It's his driver's license.
What?
- I don't know.
Credit card:
Samuel M. Barrett,
ten bucks, condom,
business car-
We got two sets here.
Samuel M. Barrett, Whitman
Diagnostics Senior Marketing Manager.
Doug Shapiro,
Producer/Director.
That asshole!
I flew all the way down here
from New York, and he-
Ugh!
So he really didn't
work for Bayou Beavers?
I'm thinking no.
Dude must pretend
he's a producer
to get his own
little collection.
Good idea.
That pervert.
Why are all men
such slime?
I can't believe
I've fallen for that shit
three times now.
Okay, whoa, whoa.
Anyone else have
anymore secrets?
Because if I find out
someone else is lying,
I swear
I'll kill you myself.
I didn't really go to NYU.
It was my first choice,
but I didn't get in.
So I went to Hofstra.
We don't have
time for this.
I was moving to Hollywood
next month to be famous.
And now I'm going to die
with all you assholes!
Look, we shot him,
all right?
Nobody's going to die.
Ah! Oh!
Will somebody
shut her up?
He's still alive.
No, man, he looks
dead as shit.
Not him...
Crowley.
Okay, you only shot him,
like, once, right?
Maybe you gotta
shoot him more times.
Like, I don't know,
four or six times.
Maybe you gotta shoot him,
like, six times!
I wanna keep moving!
Can we please keep moving?
I don't want to stay here!
We should stick to where
we can see the river,
so we won't get more lost.
Shh.
Did y'all hear that?
- What?
It's over here.
What is that?
My cell phone!
# I don't wanna wait #
# For our lives to be over #
# I want to know
right now- #
We have a signal.
Oh, God.
- No, no, no.
It's a good thing.
We can call for help.
No!
Shit, we just went
in a huge circle!
I thought you knew
your way around here.
Oh, said the fucking
tour guide.
Hey, I don't want to hit you,
but you're making it-
Shut the fu-
Okay, I'm gonna go check out that
barn, see if there's a weapon.
There's gotta be something
else to fight back with.
No, you can't go back
to that house.
I only have a few shots left.
We need something else.
What if it comes back?
We don't have much time.
All-
Stay here.
Cool.
- Cool.
Do you have signal
on that thing?
Come on.
Go through.
We shouldn't stay here.
We gotta keep moving.
Look, if it was ringing,
it has to work.
Ew! Scott Barnes called me?
What? Will you just dial?
It won't let me.
Work, God damn it.
I think he ate these things.
Aah!
Shh, shh, shh!
What? What?
It's my daddy and my brother.
No...
Are you sure
the number is 911?
What else would it be,
dumbass?
Well, how should I know
if it's the cell?
Maybe you have to type in
a different area code.
Oh, God.
What?
Don't move.
I said-
Sorry.
I think we should run.
What if it's a person
and they need help?
We'll apologize later.
I think there's
a kid in there.
You're crazy.
If it was that monster,
we'd already be dead.
Screw this.
What is that?
Aw, hell, no.
I'm not walking
over there.
What if someone's hurt?
If they're still alive,
they're doing a lot better
than some people we know.
We just can't leave
someone out here to die.
Look who grew a conscience.
Look, they might need help.
Why me?
Because you have
a flashlight.
Fine. I get it.
I see how it is.
Let the brotha do it, huh?
I'm a man.
I'll walk over here.
I'm the man of the group
anyway, because I whooped you.
All right.
Oh, shit! Oh!
Don't touch me, man!
Damn. All right.
See if it's a little
baby in there.
Hey, baby.
You up in here?
Oh, man, it's just a stup-
Ahh!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Give me-
No...
No! Please!
Wait, wait. No.
No, wait, wait, wait-
Die, you motherfucker!
Raahr!
Aah!
No!
Ow! Shit! Ow!
I think we're losing him.
Ow! Hold on!
- No-
I can't run!
You have to!
- What are you doing? Come on!
Shut up,
you redneck twat!
Uh!
You... hit me!
Yeah, and if you
don't shut up,
I'm going to kick
your teeth out.
You cruel, stupid, slutty-
Guys, we don't
have time for this!
I just want to make it stop.
Please, I just want
to wake up.
We have to keep moving
away from that house.
It don't matter.
This is his swamp.
He's just going
to kill us all.
There's gotta be something
that we can do.
He is trapped in the night
that he was killed.
He's angry,
and he is scared.
He's gonna mutilate
anyone that comes near him.
What if he's human?
What if he never really died?
That thing
was never human.
Oh, shit.
Guys, battery's not
gonna last much longer.
All right.
Let's go, let's go!
Which way?
- Um...
That way.
- Raahr!
Uhh!
Stop! Stop, guys!
Guys, stop!
This is useless.
He's just going
to keep coming for us
until we're all dead.
We can't stop running.
What else
are we going to do?
We can hurt him,
ghost or not.
Look, you saw
how fast he fell
when I stuck him
back there.
He went down
when you shot him.
I'm saying we fight back.
How?
Missy, you got
that lighter on you?
Oh, you want to fight
that monster with my lighter?
Look, there were some
gas canisters back at the shed.
Were they full?
I don't know.
Maybe.
Wait, you want to go
back to the shed?
I thought the further we got
from the house, the safer we get.
If we don't kill him,
he'll kill us all.
You're crazy!
Man, you don't even know
if there's gas in those cans.
I know it's a better
chance than we have
running around in these woods,
getting picked off one by one.
No, you're right.
Everything is soaked.
How are we going
to start a fire?
If one of us
can get close enough
to throw that gas
on him...
We can light him up.
You're all high.
No way.
I am not-
Do you have a better idea?
No.
All right,
let's do this.
How?
Hurry.
Hey, buy me some time
in here, all right?
Yell if you hear anything.
Ugh.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Okay.
Ooh.
You see anything?
Nuh-uh.
Ah!
I'm okay!
Oh, shit.
I don't like this.
It's too quiet.
All right, come on.
Let's distract him.
Hey, asshole!
Come out!
We're right here!
Yeah, come out
and get us, Crowley!
Where are you?
Come on, you freak!
You look like you've
been molested by wolves!
Show yourself,
you ugly bastard!
Come and get me, Crowley!
What? You afraid I'm gonna
whip your ass again,
you little bitch?
All right, come on!
One on one!
Me and you!
I'll put my foot
so far in your ass
you're gonna be pulling shoelaces
out your teeth for a week!
You see anything?
Nothing.
Oh, shit.
Ben, get outta there!
- Ben!
Hurry up! Get out!
Ack!
Ah! Oof!
Raahr!
- Aah!
Uh!
Yes! Burn, bitch!
You gotta be
fucking kidding me!
Now what?
- No, just come on. Let's just go.
Ben.
Ben, you-
Hey, look at me!
All this bought us is time.
Don't waste it.
Come on.
This way.
There's gotta be a path
that leads into the cemetery.
Shit.
This is shit, man.
- Shit.
Over here.
Oh, shit.
All right, let's follow this
till we find an opening.
There it is.
Thank God.
He's gonna kill me! Go!
There's a gate!
Oh, shit!
Oh! He got me!
Ow! Guys...
You guys are gonna
break me in half!
That was the only gate.
Aw, damn, man!
It's back into the woods.
No!
Run!
No!
- Run!
Ow! Oh!
Uh! Oh... shit!
Come on.
Raahr!
Holy shit! Ow!
Come on.
No, come-
No!
Mar-
Marcus!
I can't-
I can't go any further.
Yes, you can!
Come on!
I think I hear the river!
Please.
Come on.
- No.
We're not going
to die out here, okay?
Come on!
No! No!
You'll get eaten alive
in there.
Then where do we go?
Aah!
Raahr!
Get away!
Push against the pole-
Ahh!
Push against the pole
with your knees!
Come on.
Ah.
I got you. I got you.
Okay. Okay, okay.
That's my daddy's boat.
Come on. Come on.
Here.
Use this.
Hey. Hey.
Thanks...
for sticking with me
back there..
No.
My daddy.
And Ainsley.
Listen.
We're alive.
We made it.
I know.
Raah!
No!
Marybeth!
Marybeth!