Haul Out the Holly: Lit Up (2023) Movie Script

If you're not
familiar with Evergreen Lane,
it is the most magical Christmas
street in the whole world
with the most intense
HOA rules imaginable.
My parents can take a
lot of credit for that.
And somehow, the
entire neighborhood is
on board for their craziness.
But they always had
the best intentions.
I learned the hard
way last Christmas.
And you know what?
I wouldn't trade that
experience for the world.
I had such a wonderful time
in this odd little lane
that I decided to
make it my home again.
And I'm even dating
the boy next door.
My quirky neighbors
are now my family.
this year, I am all in.
Actually, we're
all in it together.
That looks so good.
Thank you.
Because if
there's one thing I've learned,
the point of Christmas
is to bring as much joy
to as many people as possible.
Hey, Dad.
Is that a camera?
It's a theodolite.
It's for geological surveying.
You planning something big with
your decorations this year?
Mind blowing.
Attention all units.
This is Agent Sugarplum
reporting an on time arrival
of the necessary nutcracker.
Just one sec.
You know the rules.
Come on.
36 inches from
shoe to chapeau.
It's the same exact
nutcracker as last year.
I'm just double checking.
What, making sure he
didn't magically shrink
inside of his storage bin?
I'm making sure no one accuses
me of giving my girlfriend
special treatment.
Look at that.
You're in the clear.
Oh, so no citation.
Sadly, no.
I will settle for
a kiss, however.
Do you think that I only kiss
you to get out of citations?
Why do you think
I keep writing them?
You know, I was thinking
that if down the road,
we ended up on a more
permanent basis--
I'm listening.
--then in that scenario,
hypothetically, we'd only
have to decorate one house.
You mean we only get
to decorate one house.
Ned, you have to move that.
Men at work.
Enough with the PDA, you two.
You're making me sick.
Oh, come on.
You're way worse with Allan.
It's true.
Three more long and lonely
weeks until he gets back.
But it's an El Nino year, so
I'm not holding my breath.
Actually, it's a La Nina
year, La Nina from the Spanish
for little girl.
It's the colder counterpart
to the oceanic and
atmospheric phenomenon,
which is known
as the Southern Oscillation.
Thank you, Ned.
If I had a meteorology
merit badge,
I'd pin it on your parka.
You see what I'm dealing with?
- Well, it's getting intense.
Haul out the holly.
Put up the tree before
my spirit falls again.
Fill up the stocking.
I may be rushing things,
but deck the halls
again now for we need
a little Christmas
right this very minute,
candles in the window,
carols at the spinet.
Guess we need a little Christmas
right this very minute.
It hasn't snowed
a single flurry.
But Santa dear,
we're in a hurry.
So climb down the chimney.
Put up the brightest string
of lights I've ever seen.
Slice up the fruitcake.
It's time we hung some tinsel
on that evergreen bough.
OK, everyone, get together.
Say evergreen on three.
1, 2, 3, evergreen.
Group hug.
As you can see,
we're all very close,
almost too close.
OK, that's good.
So when a house
goes up for sale
on Evergreen Lane,
it causes quite the commotion.
I can't believe the
Chapmans are gone.
Oh, I'm going to miss
Nancy's snickerdoodles.
I blame myself.
She probably got
tired of me absolutely
destroying her in
the cookie contest
year after year after year.
I'm pretty sure her law firm
transferred her to Seattle.
Tell yourself whatever you
need to feel better, sweetie.
The real question is,
are they up to the task
that awaits them, or are
we going to have to go
medieval on their merriment?
Now, come clean, Farnsworth.
What are we dealing with here?
Ned, I am in the
dark on this one.
The realtor filed
the HOA paperwork.
How mysterious.
I wonder who it could be.
Wait a minute.
I think I know how we can
get to the bottom of this.
would you like to know?
Who's moving into
the house next door?
House Next Door
is a 2002 thriller
directed by Joey Travolta.
Sorry, Mary Louise.
I don't think the technology
is quite there yet.
Well, they knew
when Sizzler was open.
Listen, I'm sure
whoever moves in, they're
going to be wonderful.
Oh, I just hope it's not the
couple we saw the other day.
They seem so nice.
They seem nice,
but I suspected
insufficient holiday spirit.
Oh, how so?
They were wearing
beanies with no pompoms.
- Exactly.
- Wait.
What does that have
to do with anything?
Ned, you want
to take this one?
Pompoms are jocular,
like a corncob pipe,
like a Christmas pendant,
like cookies for breakfast.
They convey a sense
of playfulness,
ergo, holiday spirit.
If you choose to
wear a winter hat
and also choose not
to wear a pompom,
it is a dead giveaway
you're a Grinch in hiding.
Glad I'm not a Grinch.
Don't get cocky, kid.
You still got a long
way ahead of you.
Where's your pompom?
Well done, Emily.
The student becomes the teacher.
Thank you.
Some holiday treats
for the HOA meeting.
That was so sweet of you.
Thanks for doing that.
You're welcome.
I'm also hoping to buy
a little forgiveness.
- For what?
- I can't make it.
I have a meeting with the
Millers about the remodel.
Do you think you
can cover for me?
Of course, I can.
Any questions anybody has,
they can call, text, email.
I will take care of it.
I think you forgot
singing telegram.
unless it's Pamela.
What's wrong?
OK, I'm going to say it.
I don't feel like you're
prioritizing Christmas.
Emily Melrose, the woman I
had to citate last year to come
to my white elephant party?
- I know.
But now I am all in.
And I just want to know
that we're all in together.
Oh, I am all in.
Believe me.
I just have this one
last thing to do.
Trust me.
- All right.
All right.
Going to need this.
All right.
A lot of nuts.
I have so much to do.
I just haven't been this nervous
since HOA election night.
It's probably best if
you keep that between us.
The stakes are so high.
I just don't want
logistics to mess it up.
This is supposed to
be the most exhilarating
moment of your life, Jared.
You sound like you're
planning a block party.
I've planned many a block
parties in my day, Jess.
But I've never had a coordinate
a horse and buggy, a string
quartet, a glassblower,
an ornamental locksmith,
and an Austrian composer
to write original Christmas
music so that--
Maybe we should think
about simplifying the plan.
I may be a simple man, but
I do not make simple plans.
It's just the holidays
are stressful as it is.
You're adding a million
things to your to-do list.
But I'm sure that Emily
would be ecstatic if you
just got down on one knee.
Knee pads.
Thanks for the reminder.
Thanks, Joe.
Jared, that is beautiful.
You think so?
Definitely a fit for the
future queen of Evergreen Lane.
Well, I could cry
just thinking about it.
So you think she'll like it?
She's been describing
her ideal wedding ring
since seventh grade Home-Ec.
Trust me, this passes the test.
How many points
are in these donuts?
All right.
Should we get started?
Where's the
Christmas "cruel-ler"?
You all know I have lifetime
dibs on the Christmas cruller.
Well, maybe there wasn't one.
Jared always gets at least
one Christmas cruller for me.
It's pronounced
"cruh-ler," OK?
And Jared isn't here, so
please, Ned, just let it go.
Pamela's right.
Jared couldn't be here.
But he said if any of you
have questions, please
feel free to reach out to him.
Oh, reach out?
Touch someone?
Oh, what a world we live in.
Dear Jared.
OK, this is not
pastry-gate, Ned.
We've got important
business to do here.
I'm sorry, you guys.
Jared's notes are a mess.
I really can't make heads or
tails of what needs to be done.
It's going to be fine.
I think Jared has
everything under control.
Well, just the tree
lighting is in two days.
And I don't know
which volunteers
are supposed to be doing what.
I'm available
tomorrow morning.
Thank you, Bob.
That means around
11:40 AM for him, FYI.
Got it.
that's still morning.
I should have gone
through this more carefully
with Jared beforehand.
OK, then what
are we doing here?
Certainly not enjoying
a Christmas cruller.
I will give you
1,000 crullers if you
stop saying it like that.
That is the
exact pronunciation
from North Hamburg.
Hold on, everybody.
Delores from the notary
office is snapping me.
Hold on.
You snap?
Yeah, my grandson taught me.
Oh, this will be fun.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, wow.
Spit it out, woman.
Oh, my golly.
My Jiminy Crickets.
Oh, I can't believe it.
What is it?
The people moving into the
house are the Jolly Johnsons.
Can you believe it?
Don't you toy with
me about my JJs.
Who are the JJs?
I'm not kidding.
They're moving in next
Wednesday morning.
That's less than
39 hours from now.
Oh, can you believe it?
We're famous.
We're not famous.
They're famous.
You guys, who are
the Jolly Johnsons?
I thought we were friends.
Jolly Johnsons
are the reigning
champions of Ho Ho House.
Ho Ho House?
OK, stop it.
You're just
embarrassing yourself.
You know what?
I have a picture.
Here they are.
How'd you pull those up so fast?
I might have
recently printed them
out to put on my vision board.
Is there a problem?
Only if you don't
share them with me.
The resolution is spectacular.
So they're reality
show celebrities?
I don't think
the word celebrity
really does them justice.
More like nobility.
Nailed it, Mary Louise.
And didn't even have
to ask your phone.
I wonder if Jared
knows who they are.
I mean, do you have
any idea how important
the Johnsons are to me?
- No.
And we've been together a while,
so I find that a little weird.
Sorry for bingeing the
last season without you.
I just thought you
wouldn't understand.
No, I actually really
don't understand.
Can you enlighten me?
- I can.
They're my holiday idols, OK?
They set the bar for
suburban Santology.
Can you imagine the
roof cred they're going
to bring to Evergreen Lane?
- Roof cred?
Is that a good thing?
- It's the best thing.
I got to call your dad.
- Oh, I told him.
And I told him you'd call him
after you got your project
sorted with the Millers.
Oh, the Millers.
Yeah, the Millers.
You know, the reason you
had to miss the HOA today.
In fact, I'm all done with that.
Isn't that great?
That's great because now
you can focus on the HOA
and making sure that
Christmas is perfect.
Now that the Jolly
Johnsons are moving in,
it's going be more than perfect.
I don't think anything can
be more perfect than perfect.
Just you wait.
This is great.
All right.
Dun, dun, da, dah.
What do you think of
this year's choices?
Am I still Santa?
Of course.
Well, it's more
perfect than perfect.
I love it.
What do you mean distracted?
Well, he just has so much on
his plate already with the HOA,
I'm just worried that these
new neighbors are going
to throw him off his game.
I told him to keep
it simple yesterday.
You saw him yesterday?
Yeah, it was totally random.
I saw him--
I saw him, and we talked not
about anything important.
Just like small talk.
Christmas stuff.
Where were you?
At the-- the store, the
grocery store, Smiths.
Yeah, we just bumped
into each other.
I literally just
stocked his fridge.
He was getting lunch.
Yeah, at the deli.
He was getting a sandwich.
And I was telling him, keep
it simple with the sandwich,
You know how he gets the
meats, and the cheeses,
and the toppings?
He's like mayo, mustard, onions.
It's not about the sandwich.
What it is about is
the family moving in.
I really think that
it's going to help
keep him less distracted.
Well, I think it's
having the opposite effect.
He was rehearsing for two
hours yesterday how he's
going to greet them tomorrow.
He did?
Yes, for accents, costume
changes, musical numbers.
- Oh, god.
- I know.
It's getting intense.
Maybe having a family as
jolly as the Johnsons will help
keep him inspired to
really crush Christmas.
In a neighborhood
as intense as ours,
I'm a little worried about what
exactly is going to be crushed.
I'm worried too.
What'd you bring?
My famous peppermint bark.
Power move.
- I like it.
- A pleasure to meet you.
You're not English.
Let's do formal.
No, no, no.
It's great to meet you too.
Why would it be
great to meet me?
I'm a nobody.
They're famous.
What are you doing?
Loosening up.
Jared, they're just
people like you and me.
Just be yourself.
I can't.
Myself is lightheaded,
and my vision's blurry.
It's OK.
We have a visual.
Prepare to engage
full jolliness.
Let's go.
Here they come.
Bob, try not to
talk too much, OK?
All right.
I'm telling you,
they just pulled in.
They're here.
You're in my shot.
Ned, nobody cares
about your home videos.
I'm FaceTiming my Aunt Kathy.
But this is going
on the time capsule.
You're a time capsule.
Get a load of this.
It's a bona fide
welcoming committee.
Don't mind me, just
documenting for posterity.
Eat it, Aunt Kathy.
Now do you believe me?
I'm sorry.
I hate to do this.
But can you please
put the cameras away?
We feel sheepish
even saying this.
But all media requests have
to go through our agent.
Of course.
No problemo.
So silly of us.
I'm Emily.
I live right next door.
And this is Jared.
He is our HOA president.
Great to meet you both.
Is something
wrong with his face?
He's just a big fan.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Don't treat us any differently.
We are a normal family
just like anyone else.
We don't want any
special treatment.
So tell me, Mr. Pres, what's
the most important thing we need
to know about Evergreen Lane?
Uh, I'm glad you asked, Joe.
I think the most
important thing is to know
that we're all a family here.
And we are here for each
other, no matter what.
That is the best beppermint
park you've ever had.
That wasn't right, was it?
Peppermint bark is what I meant.
- We know you did, buddy.
- You OK?
You got this?
You want to take it again?
We make sure we make
Christmas as great as possible
for as many people as possible.
And we faithfully
abide by the well-crafted
rules and regulations of
our homeowners association.
It's a special edition.
Hand-sewn with vegan
pleather and a foreword
written by me, Pamela Bevans.
It really is our honor
to welcome you to Evergreen
Lane and its esteemed HOA.
We actually have
a meeting tomorrow.
I know you only just arrived,
so if you need to get settled,
we understand.
- Oh, we'll be there.
Oh, great.
And you're just in
time because we're
going to light the
famous Evergreen
Lane Christmas tree tonight.
That little guy?
It's bigger in the picture,
isn't it, sweetheart?
But it'll do.
Either way, we'll be there.
Right, gang?
You bet.
In the meantime,
enjoy the cheery
charity of Santa's Helpers.
And we'll have you guys moved
in in two wrinkles of the nose.
That will be a
lifesaver, especially when
the second truck gets here.
Two trucks?
That's over 100 cubic
meters of furniture.
Oh, the second truck
is just for decorations.
You have an--
an entire truck
dedicated to Christmas?
Not just Christmas.
- Flag Day.
Memorial Day.
Labor Day.
Valentine's Day.
We even have
something for leap year.
I'm in the presence
of greatness.
Well, we'd love to have
you guys over for dinner
if you have a free
night sometime soon.
How's 7:00 PM sharp tomorrow?
Jimmy has rehearsal
for Christmas Carol,
so it'll just be the two of us.
And I'll send you my
list of allergens.
OK, great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, in the bathroom.
That's the living room.
- Thank you so much.
- In the second living room.
Yeah, thank you.
Oh, for sure.
What a nice welcome.
I think we may have
really hit the jackpot
as far as neighborhoods go.
Not as good as yours, Mom.
Thanks, sweetie.
I'm looking forward to
getting to know everyone.
I just hope that they aren't
offended by how enthusiastic
we are about Christmas.
Yeah, maybe we should ease
into it a little bit, just
so we don't show
everybody up right away.
wants a pair of skates.
Suzy wants a dolly.
Nellie wants a storybook.
She thinks dolls are folly.
As for me, my little
brain isn't very bright.
Choose for me, dear Santa
Claus what you think is right.
Come on, guys.
Give it up again
for Mary Louise.
Jolly, indeed.
Speaking of jolly, I have
a very special announcement
to make to all of
you, the newest
members of Evergreen
Lane, Joe, Jane,
and Jimmy Johnson of
the Jolly Johnsons.
So as you guys know, at
the beginning of December,
we light the Evergreen
Lane Christmas tree.
You didn't last year.
We absolutely lit
it last year, Ned.
Two weeks late.
You have to let it go, Ned.
You have to let it go.
We have to move on from this.
- Please.
He still can't get
over Watergate.
He was framed.
- Oh, was he?
- Moving on.
Thank you guys for being here.
As your HOA president,
I want to assure you
that these festivities are
going to be as wonderful,
if not more wonderful
than last year.
Also, there will be
a meeting 9:00 AM
tomorrow to discuss
further festivities
at the lovely Pamela's house.
It's a shoes-off
house, people,
so please plan accordingly.
You know who you are.
OK, let's
light this tree.
When I say jolly,
you say Johnsons.
- Jolly.
- Johnsons.
When I say merry,
you say Christmas.
- Merry.
- Christmas.
Jolly Johnsons!
Hello, Evergreen Lane.
I'm so excited to be here
for Christmas this year.
And we are so thankful
for the warm welcome.
And we can't wait to celebrate
the holidays with all of you.
But first--
Honey, it's their
Christmas tree lighting.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to upstage anyone.
Sorry about that.
Goes like that or something?
I'm so sorry.
Let's get this lit!
Happy holidays.
OK, let's count it down.
3 2, 1.
All right.
Well, that was a cute start.
But are you guys ready to
really get this party started?
Can you believe this?
I want to
show you something.
Oh, OK.
So my great
grandmother, who
taught me everything
I know about crafting,
felted this stocking
when she was 97.
Oh, she used a seed
stitch to finish.
Pretty unusual,
don't you think?
She should have used a
rip stitch because that
would have held up better.
Hey, do you want
to see how much
room we can get between us?
I'm used to sitting in coach.
I'm not.
OK, let's get started.
We're going to start?
You know what?
She was-- she was older,
so her eyesight was going.
She probably did a--
a lot of big stitches.
You know what?
She's not my favorite
grandma, anyway.
She's made a lot of bad choices.
- I can see that.
- Belinda, move please.
- Excuse me.
It's my house, all right?
I just want to sit here.
Yeah, you're right.
I'll take it down.
Hey, everybody.
Thank you so much for being
here, especially you two.
Keep it together, Jared.
OK, we've really made
an effort to expand
this year's Christmas
Carnival, tried to invite
as many people as possible.
And Emily has really come up
with some great activities
for the kids.
Right, babe?
That's right, babe.
We are going to have a Christmas
craft house and a cookie
decorating station.
And of course, we're going
to have the annual toy
drive for the community.
Thank you so much, Belinda,
for spearheading that.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Yes, and to expand on that
some brand new activities
leading up to the big day.
I've had to rework
the schedule just a bit,
but I think I
figured it all out.
So on the 20th,
in the morning, we
are going to have
the cookie contest
followed by the snowman
tableau/snowball fight.
Yes, Jane?
Isn't that usually
the next day?
Yes, you're right.
But I had to move some
things around to make
room for our new event--
get ready-- the sleigh
ride around the loop.
The kids are going to love it.
- It's going to be so fun.
Joe, yes?
What about the bakers
who also want to compete
in the snowball fight?
Aren't you worried
about finger fatigue?
Yeah, it's a real thing.
The crafting world is
very concerned about it.
I really don't think
that baking a few cookies
is going to, you
know, kick anybody
out of the snowball fight.
It's not so much
the baking, actually.
It's the decorating
that really gets you.
Yes, he's right.
He's so right.
I mean--
- Oh, that's a great example.
Look at her hands.
- Wait.
The chapped knuckles.
I see what-- I
see what he means.
I mean, they're large.
Let's be nice.
You know what?
I'm going to-- I'm going
to think about all that.
But for now, plan on both
of them being on the 20th.
Jane, you don't really have
to keep raising your hand.
Do you-- do you have
another question?
I do.
So it says here--
Where are you?
Section two, article 4.1.
There shall be no
limitations on the style,
nor the ingredients of
the cookie competition.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
My dad is just going
to lose his mind.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
He should do more crossword
puzzles and Sudoku.
Oh, no, he's fine.
I just mean he wrote that
rule, and you just read it.
And he's a huge fan.
Can you tell him I
want to amend this one?
Because the winner of
the cookie competition for
the last seven years in a row--
- Thank you.
--has been winning
on the same recipe.
What's-- what's
wrong with that?
Well, don't you want
to give others a chance?
Well, maybe if others came
up with something as good
as my pecan stockings,
then maybe others
would have a chance.
But a true cookie
competition is all
about execution and decoration.
And we should all be
using the same recipe.
OK, did Ned put
you up to this?
I have not said word one, but
Jane's got my wheels a-turning.
OK, says the guy who's
been gunning for my trophy
since he had hair.
Hey, it's what's in the
head, not what's on the head.
Yeah, well both lacking.
Guys, I can assure you,
there's no collusion going on.
We're just trying
to ensure parity
in the cookie competition.
- Parity.
Yes, and all the elite HOAs,
they have similar stipulations.
OK, well we are an elite.
Did she say we eat?
Did she say we're not elite?
We've been elite.
Your father created this HOA.
We've always been elite.
We're like everybody else.
We are who we are,
which is Evergreen Lane.
And we have ways
of doing things.
People, people, people,
it's too late in the season
to be changing rules.
She's right.
Well, actually, not really
because it says right here,
section seven, article
one, contest rules are up
for revision, provided there is
a majority of members in favor.
Shall we put it to a vote?
I nominate Jane Johnson.
This is not an election, Ned.
Everyone in favor say, aye.
OK, we're not voting.
Jared, don't you
raise your hand.
If you say aye,
that's the last word.
Jared, you want to do
something about this?
Jane makes an excellent point.
But I do think it would be--
--unwise to have a rule
change without everyone present.
Everyone is present.
I meant everyone has presence.
Like at my annual
white elephant party.
But that's after
the cookie contest.
Ned, nobody cares.
Time is an illusion.
Section seven, article one,
point C, any and all changes
made to the events,
contest, or rules
are to be determined before the
annual tree lighting ceremony.
Yes, we can't.
I wish we could change
it, but we can't.
So if I win, I win.
Thank you, babe.
I am so glad you
remembered that.
Your dad would have
loved us so much.
Do you think the
Johnsons were impressed?
I think they were impressed.
I was impressed.
I really wish this
was on videotape.
I just think it's
your first HOA meeting.
Just come and make
nice, you know?
I mean, I barely got through
one day of the holiday calendar
before she hijacks
the whole meeting
to talk about changing
the HOA rules,
rules that my father wrote.
One horse, two horse, four.
Why can't I have three horses?
What'd you say?
About what?
What do you think
about what I said?
I agree 100%.
So what should we do?
About what?
Jared, about the Johnsons.
Uh, right.
Look, I think we just give
'em a minute, you know?
She was probably just nervous.
You remember your
first HOA meeting.
I think I showed
up in my pajamas.
I was super Grinchy.
And look at you now.
Just don't ever let
me be a Grinch, OK?
Oh, you, I'm
not worried about.
I think your little heart
grew four sizes at Christmas.
All right.
They're going to be
here in 10 minutes.
I really need your help.
You invited them to dinner.
That's right.
You didn't forget, did you?
No, I didn't forget.
I think I was just in
shock that they said yes.
I should change.
Do I smell?
I should probably wear
something more formal, right?
You look great.
Just breathe.
And bring the appetizers to
the rotunda room, please.
I have to powder
my buche de Noel.
They're here.
You ready?
This is a panic attack.
I'm having a panic attack.
Come on in.
This is for you.
Thank you so much.
Take off your coats.
We're going to have
some appetizers.
That is what I
call a buche de Noel.
Well, what do you
call what I made?
This is great, honey.
But look how buche-y it is.
You know, Jane gets so
carried away with her piping,
I haven't seen her
since yesterday.
You have been just as busy
decorating the house all day
trying to upstage
the new neighbors.
OK, it's true.
I have a little bit of
a competitive streak.
It's too bad Jimmy
couldn't make it.
He's so adorable.
Thank you.
He takes after me.
Nothing wrong with a
little friendly competition.
I mean, I was a little
bit jealous when
you guys came up
on the stage, not
that I didn't want you there.
But you know, up on
the housetop, it's--
it's kind of my song.
Oh, is that so?
No, I mean, the whole town kind
of knows me as I'm the go-to
Kris Kringle guy, so--
A fellow NSA
man, I reckon, huh?
Norwegian Santa's
Academy, class of '02.
What year were you?
I-- I didn't
graduate from there.
I've never heard of it.
I'm not surprised.
The program's
invite only, so only
a very small percentage
of the population
even knows it exists.
Honey, stop bragging.
I'm sure Jared cares about
Santa in his own special way.
So what were we
talking about again?
Oh, yes.
Jimmy wanted to be here tonight.
But when news of us moving
into the area caught on,
the Hale Center Theater reached
out to him with the iconic role
of Tiny Tim.
That's great.
I auditioned for Tiny
Tim when I was his age.
Oh, no, no, no, he
didn't have to audition.
Have you seen how many
followers he has on TikTok?
That production is
lucky to have him.
- Oh, I bet.
- Hey.
I need to apologize
for embarrassing you.
That's technically against the
Kringle Creed, so I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
No-- no need to apologize.
I'm really read up
on the North Pole.
I mean, it's probably the
exact same curriculum, so--
- OK.
- Hey.
You know what?
Why don't we have a drink.
Jared makes the most wonderful
candy cane cocktails.
I do.
Oh, you do, huh?
How long do you infuse
your vodka with peppermint?
I just use a dash of schnapps.
I infuse for four weeks.
I have an idea.
What if we mix them both up and
do a little taste test, huh?
What a great idea.
All right.
OK, off with your head.
Oh, these are
very cheap glasses.
They're very cheap.
They're glass,
though, surprisingly.
All right.
Let's start with the good stuff.
This is, uh-- this
is going to be fun.
The funnest.
ended up being a nice dinner.
- See?
First impressions
aren't everything.
I guess if they
were, Jared and I
probably wouldn't be together.
That's for certain.
They're just so
crazy competitive.
It's like every
single thing we said
had to be one-upped by them.
- Sounds exhausting.
- It is.
I mean, I guess, the fame
has really gone to their head.
Their show is on cable TV,
like, deep cable, a cable
channel nobody's ever heard of.
Well, other than the
entire neighborhood
and your whole family.
And my nana from Buffalo.
I had never seen one
episode of this show
before Jared made
me binge watch three
seasons of that insane over
the top madness of a show.
I was-- I was just
talking about you.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
This is my best friend, Jess.
Jess, this is our
new neighbor, Jane.
Can I get a selfie
with you, actually?
Of course.
Christmas cheer.
Thank you.
We were just out shopping.
What's up?
I just wanted to come by and
say last night was so lovely.
Thank you again.
We had a great time too.
And when I got
home, I was thinking,
you know, at that HOA
meeting, you didn't really get
a chance to finish talking
about the schedule changes
you wanted to.
You know, I will
leave you two to it.
I can stay.
You should.
I made a new schedule.
Now, I never really saw yours.
But from what I gathered,
I think we can both agree
that mine is much cleaner.
I added a bunch of
fun new activities,
a lot of competitions to
really spice things up.
That's the thing.
I don't really think
Christmas is a spicy holiday.
Don't limit yourself.
You really need to think big.
Do I, though?
So I added this
speed wrapping race
in between the cookie contest
and the snowman tableau.
I'm sorry.
Speed wrapping?
For presents.
It'll be so much fun.
And then I also added
an ice sculpture
competition and a
best decorations
contest Christmas Eve.
Why don't you email
me the schedule,
and then I'll run it by Jared.
And I'll get back to you.
I already emailed the
entire HOA this morning,
so it should be in your inbox.
You did?
And everyone loved it,
according to the online survey
that I sent as well.
I guess I better
check my inbox.
- Yeah.
- I'll get right on that.
Cute little
nutcracker, by the way.
I wouldn't really
call it little.
Oh, you would if you were me.
Looking good.
So what's your take
on second impressions?
I, for one, am inspired.
She created a
brand new schedule
and sent it to everyone.
The nerve of some people.
Did you read it?
Be honest.
I can take it.
What'd you think?
There was way too much
competition for my taste.
Thank you.
The speed wrapping
idea, I liked.
I even downloaded Eminem's
Christmas album to practice.
Prove it.
the snow, I'm
dashing down the
chimney crashing
and looking for the cookies
that the kids been stashing.
Uh, Mary Louise, I
don't think that's what
she meant by speed wrapping.
I can't wait.
What does Jared
think about all this?
He's been so
preoccupied with work,
he hasn't had time
to deal with it.
But he was really impressed
with the organization.
He's right.
I mean, did you see how
she color coded time
slots for volunteers?
I mean--
OK, that's not helpful.
Game recognizes game.
So what do I do?
I mean, all that hard
work I did is just wasted?
I just give in to her?
You leave it to me, peaches.
I have dealt with my share
of Jane Johnsons in my day.
She just needs a little
Pamela push back,
and she will wilt like a
poinsettia in the summer.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Belinda, you got this, right?
So Mary Louise,
what are you going
to wear to this rap battle?
Just a minute.
What's going on here?
It looks like everyone
else is fed up too.
Hi, ladies.
Are you coming here to sign
up for a volunteer position?
Back of the line.
Cool your coveralls, Ned.
We're not in line.
Jane, I thought we agreed.
I was going to go over all of
your suggestions with Jared
and then get back to you.
Yes, but there's just
so much bureaucracy,
so I just thought I would
start things rolling.
And look, everyone's thrilled.
Oh, I wouldn't say everyone.
It's real close to everyone.
By the way, you three
should submit your votes for
the improved cookie contest.
Excuse me?
No, we discussed
this at the meeting.
You have missed the
deadline for changing
the rules of the contest.
But it does say that
I can add a new event
any time as long
as I get a majority
of the members voting for it.
And I submitted an
online proposal,
and it is going great.
Is it close?
We already have
a supermajority.
What's the point of voting?
Voting isn't just a right.
It's a privilege.
Preach, sister.
Pamela, you got
to do something.
I got you.
Jane, I've thought
a lot about this.
And I have just one
question for you.
Is this Mesopotamian papyrus?
I'm glad you noticed.
Oh, my goodness.
This scroll is exquisite.
I mean, I've heard tell of
this in some of my studies
in college, but it's gorgeous.
Do you beat your own reeds?
Thank you for noticing.
Do you use a quill
or a metal nib?
I do quill, metal nib
ambidextrously, of course.
Oh, my god.
You should
have seen Pamela.
She just melted like she
was standing in front
of the great and powerful Oz.
Could you blame her?
She's really intimidating.
But she did have some
really good ideas.
The neighborhood is excited.
When did her schedule
become the schedule?
It's not.
It's not.
I was just saying.
I have worked on
this thing for months,
and she just waltzes in here
like the sugarplum fairy
and just tears it apart.
- I know.
And I do agree.
I'm just-- I'm just
really stressed.
I'm really far behind.
I mean, if the neighborhood
knew that we were
in the teens of
December and I didn't
have my flagship tree decorated,
talk about scuttlebutt city.
It's OK.
It's our little secret.
I know you're stressed.
And I just--
I'm sorry, but I just
really need you right now.
I'm here for you.
I promise.
OK, good.
So maybe just as
HOA president, you
can go over there and
sit them down and just
explain the rules to them.
Jane knows the rules
better than I do.
I'm going to do it.
Yeah, I'm a Melrose.
I can do this.
I can-- I can
channel my parents.
I'm going to go over there.
I'm going to tell them that
here on Evergreen Lane,
we like to cooperate.
I love that about you.
But I'm the
president, and that's
the president's responsibility.
Oh, good.
I was feeling really panicky
just thinking about doing that.
All right.
You do that, and I will
finish decorating the tree.
So good.
Right now?
I'll be right back.
- OK.
Good luck, Mr. President.
What is taking him so long?
Welcome to the party.
Jared, your better half
is here to join the party.
Hey, babe.
This was-- this was
fun, but we have--
we have a thing.
That's why I'm
here, the thing.
Thank you for your hospitality.
This was awesome.
You're going to have
to jam some other time.
Well, we are
ho-ing down for a jam.
Come on, guys.
Call the harmony.
Look at this photograph.
That thing always
makes me laugh.
Such a fun night, babe.
Looks like we're
in the presence
of a fellow Nickelbacker.
She's obsessed.
Was this the secret
Christmas concert?
How in the world
did you get tickets?
Well, it turns out they're
big, big fans of the show.
So Chadwick reached out and
asked if we wanted floor seats.
--a.k.a the Krog-meister.
No, it's silly, but I gave
all my besties nicknames.
Are you best friends
with Chad Kroeger?
Well, we timeshare at a
lake house with him, so yeah.
I'm going to take that back.
OK, babe?
Anyway, this was so much fun.
Let's do it again.
Don't be strangers.
No, it was fun.
You ready?
I'm ready, guys.
Let's do this.
- Yeah.
- On my count.
Here we go.
1, 2.
1, 2, 3, 4.
That was fun, wasn't it?
- What just happened?
- Oh, that?
You had an extreme case of FOMO.
No, I'm over that for now.
What I'm not over is you
didn't do anything I asked.
I did tell them that
their Christmas decor
was really coming along and--
did that not count?
Jared, I was counting
on you to stand up
for decency, for your role
as president of the HOA,
and for me.
You're right, Emily.
I'm-- I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened.
Just they're so beguiling.
They're like you.
I'm really tired.
I'm going to go to bed.
I can make you
a hot chocolate.
We can talk about
it a little more.
No, not tonight.
The hot chocolate window
has officially closed.
It's kind of early.
We're closed.
I love you.
And I love you.
You're-- you're sure, right?
I'm sure.
But if we don't have a cello
that is not a string quartet,
it's a string tri-tet.
Say again?
the snow lay round
about, deep and crisp and--
I have to call you back.
Brightly shone
the moon that night,
though the frost was cruel,
when a poor man came in sight,
gath'ring winter fuel.
Hither page
and stand by me--
Hey, Ned.
You do yoga?
Cold yoga.
My chakras aren't going
to align themselves.
Am I right, or am I right?
I don't know.
Is this your gnome?
Actually, let me rephrase it.
Are all of these your gnomes?
No, but I do know
to whom they belong.
Joe Johnson set them up
at 2:00 in the morning.
How do you know that?
Because I have a
secondhand Yugoslavian
security system using KGB
motion infrared technology.
Infrared never fails.
That sends you alerts?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
At that hour, I usually
just watch the live feed.
It's scintillating.
And you don't have a problem
with this music just blaring
through our
neighborhood like this?
Why do you think
I'm doing yoga?
Yeah, that's not yoga.
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly.
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
'Tis the season--
Hello, Joe.
Jingle Jared, I'm
glad you're here.
I was just about to test out
the old Christmas lights.
What's-- what's wrong?
I've never had
a nickname before.
- Do you like it?
- Yeah.
Oh, good.
It's got a ring to it.
Jingle Jared.
Hey, I know we're
not besties yet,
but I got a good
feeling about us.
Joe, I heard that you were the
one putting all these speaker
gnomes around the neighborhood.
- Oh, yeah.
That's right.
That's right.
And I linked them up all
over with Bluetooth too.
I thought it would be nice
if everybody on the lane
could hear the
same music and feel
some magic at the same time.
Is there a problem?
- No, no, no.
No, no.
I-- I find them
adorable, actually.
But I needed you to maybe
ask permission next time.
Oh, come on.
I thought you liked music.
You're Jingle Jared, after all.
No, I do.
I do.
Jingle Jared loves music.
It's just-- just it would
be nice for a heads-up.
Well, heads up.
I mean before you do it.
Look, I could go ahead and
disconnect you if you want.
But it messes with
the triangulation
of the mother signal.
And then all the other
speakers get discombobulated.
I don't know.
My son could explain it better.
I just know that
they work together
kind of like this neighborhood.
I-- I understand.
I really do.
It's just it's not the
way we do things here.
Oh, yeah?
Well, how do we do things
around here exactly?
Well, since you
asked, we have a system
in place that allows
us to celebrate
Christmas to the fullest.
And as president, I
am privileged to push
that system forward.
So Joe, it's for your
own good and the good
of this entire community--
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's that there?
This is a citation for
entering a neighbor's property
without permission,
also unlawful placement
of sonic amplitude devices.
Come on.
I'm so sorry, Joe.
I thought we were becoming
friends, buds, simpatico.
But this doesn't
have to affect this.
You know what?
Why don't you do the honors?
Joe, I shouldn't.
Come on.
You know the old Norse proverb.
To refuse to bring a neighbor
that-- you don't know it,
do you?
- I don't know it.
To refuse to bring
your neighbor light
is to bring him darkness.
You don't want
that, now, do you?
I don't want that.
All right.
Then bring us light, my friend.
Bring us light.
on Christmas
day in the morning.
You did that, kiddo.
You did that.
Up on the
housetop, reindeer paws.
Out jumps good old Santa Claus.
Down through the chimney
with lots of toys--
I got absolutely
no sleep last night.
I'm sorry.
So this is your fault?
It's 100% my fault.
What did you do?
It's more of what I didn't do.
I wanted to give Joe a
citation for installing
his army of speaker gnomes.
Instead, I chickened out.
I'm such a fool
around celebrities.
Oh, Jared.
They want a reality show.
Why is everyone acting
like they deserve a star
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?
Don't be ridiculous.
Of course not.
But they would make the
Christmas Hall of Fame.
Please tell me
that doesn't exist.
It does not, at
least, not yet.
But that's a next year problem.
Grab your coat because we
got bigger fish to fry.
And I will grab the door.
All right.
Everybody's at my house.
We have to fix this.
It is so bad.
Up on the housetop,
quick, quick, quick,
down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick.
How can
something so hideous
come out of something so cute?
Is that Ben singing?
Every single one.
Well, at least,
it's Christmas music.
I don't hear anything.
Big surprise there, Bob.
You sound
a bit pitchy to me.
Pitchy to you?
What is that supposed to mean?
It means I got a tuning
fork with your name on it.
You guys, they planned a
competing cookie contest.
We have to do something.
I tried talking to
Joe, but he charmed me
with a Norse proverb.
Actions speak louder
than words, young Jedi.
Suggesting, what would you be?
I bought a manufacturer's
gross of defective Elf
on the Shelf dolls on eBay in
June, nasty looking rascals.
I wonder how jolly the Johnsons
would be if we let all 144
of those rascals
loose in their yard.
I got to say, I like where
this road is taking us.
No, no, no.
No, no.
Let's just take the high road.
Why when the low road is
so intriguing right now?
You guys, we're just
going to send out word
to the neighborhood
bulletin that we are
reverting back to
the old schedule
starting with the
cookie competition.
They're going to see
the lane come together.
And they're going to have no
choice but to fall in line.
Well, that might be
harder than you think.
I heard they're offering a
bit of coin for the winner.
We're working towards Bitcoin.
That sounds interesting.
OK, don't you get
any ideas, Brodhead.
They're really turning
the screws over there.
Nobody panic.
We still have 42
confirmed entries.
What if everybody else
breaks rank and joins
the Johnsons' cookie contest?
Then we will punish their
treasonous ways with subterfuge
and psychological warfare.
I finally feel seen by you.
And I like what I see, Ned.
We're going to
go with my plan.
We're going to get
everyone to Belinda's
for the cookie contest.
And the rest is just going
to fall like dominoes.
OK, I'm just going to
scout out a few low roads
in the meantime, you know?
Just in case.
And I'm going to block
the Bluetooth frequency
so we can think straight.
I still don't hear anything.
You're lucky, Bob.
Did you remember to swap
out the salt for the sugar?
I did.
They're actually
good this time.
Thanks, Nicole, not
that it matters.
I mean, look at this place.
It's empty.
Yeah, I didn't
want to say anything,
but where is everyone?
I'll tell you
exactly where they are.
They're baking with the enemy.
I cannot believe they
ignored our bulletin post.
And where is Ned?
I don't want to
jump to conclusions,
but did you see Ned?
He lit up like
Rudolph's nose when
he found out he
wouldn't have to compete
against Pamela this year.
No, he wouldn't.
Would he?
I don't know anymore.
He slept in.
He probably slept.
- Yes.
There was an Ice Road Truckers
marathon on last night.
You know he can't resist that.
Don't mind if I do.
Thanks, Nicole.
All right, everyone.
It's time to
announce the winner.
I must admit, competition wasn't
as robust as in years past.
A win is a win.
Get to the gold.
Since I'm the head judge,
my entry isn't eligible,
plus we had a disqualification.
So I will start with the runner
up, the only other contestant,
Emily Melrose.
Thank you.
Second place.
Not bad.
Thank you.
It's technically
last place too.
Thank you.
All right.
The winner, yet again, for
the eighth year in a row is--
We all know it was me.
Thank you.
Why aren't you happy, Mom?
Because victory isn't
the same without seeing
the agony of defeat in the
eyes of the vanquished.
But my streak is still alive.
Two more wins, and
I'm sitting for a portrait.
Oh, yeah.
What you got there, Ned?
Oh, this?
I just found this
at a garage sale.
Oh, you did?
Yeah, how much was it?
Yeah, just what I thought,
you traitorous turncoat.
How could you after all
that we have been through?
You are my third
emergency contact right
after Allan and the dog sitter.
We all deserve to have
a moment in the sun.
But what about our plans?
All of those wonderful low roads
we were going to take together.
The Johnsons
showed me a new path.
I simply had to take it.
How did they get to you, Ned?
It is very, very cold
in the shadows, my friend.
I had to step triumphantly
into the light.
Give me that trophy.
I'm going to snap it in two.
No, you leave it alone.
Give it to me.
You wouldn't even know
what to do with a trophy.
It'd be lonely in your house.
This feels better,
everyone coming together
to celebrate the joy of winter.
At the end of the day, it's
all about the kids, right?
Yeah, that's the HOA
president I fell in love with.
OK, that was a good throw,
but the snowball fight's
not until after you finish
building your snowman.
That was another good throw,
but we're going to wait
for all the other kids, OK?
I thought this was a
no-rules snowball fight.
Do you want to handle this?
Yeah, this is a
no-rules snowball fight,
buddy, but we're going to wait
for the other kids to get--
you little-- do you mind
if I borrow this, buddy?
You think that's a good idea?
No point in running, Jimmy.
Your parents can't help you now.
Oh, no.
Definitely not a good idea.
It's a trap.
We have a code white
in the cul-de-sac.
I repeat, a code white.
We need all available
units, please.
Requesting all available units.
There's a meltdown.
I can't say I'm not
disappointed, especially
in you, Jared.
Dad, we had to
take cover inside.
And we have not left
the house since.
Over a snowball fight?
That does seem a little extreme.
Oh, no, no, no, it was
no ordinary snowball fight.
It was awful.
I'll never forget the
look in Jimmy's eyes.
It's like he was
unhinged, obsessed.
We've tried talking to them.
We've tried ignoring them.
They're just so intense.
It's like Christmas is
turning into The Hunger Games.
That does sound stressful.
Painful, actually.
We just want the neighborhood
to have a magical holiday
like we always do,
but it's so hard
- when they just won't cooperate.
- Hmm.
Really stuck in the
chimney on this one.
What do we do?
Have they violated the
HOA bylaws in any way?
And I was going to
cite him for it.
But I felt bad.
He gave me this
really cool nickname,
and I let him off the hook.
That's an honest
mistake, Jared,
but when it comes to
incentives, there are carrots,
and there are sticks.
Using both tends to be the
most effective strategy.
Keep the niceties.
But maybe it's time to really
throw the book at them.
They have to be treated
like everyone else.
The founders believed that no
one is above the HOA bylaws.
By the founders,
you mean us, right?
Of course, I do.
Who else would?
- I
- don't know who you mean.
Why would you say the founders?
always said the founders.
It's embarrassing for you
to say anything like that.
I think it's your
obsession with James Madison.
I think they understand.
obsessed with James Madison.
Guy's we really
have to go, OK?
We have to go.
Thank you.
You know what time it is?
Surprise inspection time.
No jingle.
- No.
- It's definitely too tall.
Definitely too tall.
Just as I suspected.
Oh, Ms. Melrose.
Oh, Jingle Jared.
You dried off pretty quick for
a guy who just got absolutely
pummeled by snowballs.
What you up to?
Just conducting a
routine inspection.
Of what?
Just making sure the
house is up to code.
I think you'd be hard
pressed to find any code
violations around here.
Well, these lights
are definitely
not LEDs, which means
you have surpassed
maximum wattage allowance.
And also, this
nutcracker definitely
exceeds maximum height.
Well, I didn't see anything
about a maximum height.
Well, you should have
read up, buttercup.
There is a lot of great
info in that appendix.
Indeed, there is.
Indeed, there is, especially
section six, article D, which
we discussed the other night.
The unlawful placement of
a sonic amplitude device?
As a matter of fact,
that's the one.
Honey, I thought I told
you to ask permission
before placing those speakers.
- Sorry, honey.
I put the sleigh
before the reindeer.
But you do that all the
time, and it's ruining my life.
It's not fair for me to
say, but I do it all the time.
I can just leave
these in your mailbox,
or I can hand them to
you, whichever you prefer.
What happens if
someone chooses
to ignore the citations?
Then someone gets fined.
And if that someone
chooses not to pay the fine?
Well, I'm glad you asked,
Joe, because as president,
I can commute these punishments
with alternate means
of recompense.
- Such as?
I would settle for
mandatory attendance
to my annual white
elephant party.
Sounds lovely.
Where should we be?
When should we be there?
Jared's house.
7:00 PM tomorrow.
There's a dress code.
I hope it's not something
tacky like ugly sweaters.
Actually, it's
exactly that tacky.
And I have a closet
full of doozies if you
need to borrow something.
That won't be
necessary, for sure.
OK, good.
We'll see you there.
Wouldn't miss it.
You actually can't miss it.
All right.
Oh, I think that went OK.
I think so.
Are those real smiles?
I don't know, but I
feel like I'm at the Chuck
E. Cheese Christmas special.
Have they addressed
the citations yet?
I told them if they came in
peace, all would be forgiven.
You think that'll work?
It softened their sweet
Emily, didn't it, right, babe?
Like a bowl full of jelly.
That might have worked
for Molly McButter here,
but those Johnsons
are a different breed.
I mean, what if they don't
accept our olive branch?
Well, Ned is our sergeant
of arms at the HOA.
And if it comes to
that, we will ask him.
Where is Ned, anyway?
Probably building
a shrine to display
his traitorous new trophy.
Bob, I want an
onion and an olive.
Yes, dear.
Maybe this is
going to blow over.
We're going to exchange
gifts, and we're going to get
to know each other better.
And maybe this
isn't a tennis racket.
Come in.
Those aren't ugly
Christmas sweaters.
No, they're
actually really cute.
We're not here for your
ugly Christmas sweater party.
You're not?
No, we're throwing a yuletide
poetry jam at our place.
We saw right through your
carrots and sticks strategy.
We came to inform
you that we are
hereby officially
withdrawing from all HOA
Christmas activities.
You can't do that.
We just did.
And we won't be
needing this anymore.
My special edition.
Or these.
You have no legal
precedence to do this.
Actually, they do.
I knew it.
I happen to have a signed
addendum voted on and approved
by Albert Melrose 2016, which
states, any member of the HOA
which does not wish to
participate in neighborhood
festivities can withdraw
with the approval of one
board member.
Let them celebrate how,
where, and what they may.
Now, thanks to Ned, we're free
to be jolly in the Johnson way.
I have no
recollection of this.
That was the night
we all had one too
many of Bob's holiday Mai Tais.
My bad.
Why isn't
this in the handbook?
And why did you make me
participate last year?
It was before my time.
You all have a copy.
I faxed it to you the
night it was ratified.
Come on, Ned, none
of us have used a fax
machine since desert storm.
Come on.
We have some festive
pros to attend to.
Viva la resistance.
Not so fast.
Why, Ned?
No man can serve two Santas.
Edward Brodhead, for
your treasonous behavior,
I call for your immediate
dismissal from Santa's Helpers.
All in favor, say aye.
The motion is passed.
Hand over your walkie.
Must I?
You must.
You are dismissed.
That was a bust.
There's only one
way to fix this.
Switching to channel 12.
Attention Silver
and Gold leaders.
Calling on Silver
and Gold leaders.
We have a situation here.
We are on our way.
How are your big plans coming?
The proposal?
I've been so busy with
all this HOA craziness,
I hadn't had much time
to think about it.
Oh, don't let that get to you.
I know, but it's really making
me have a loss of confidence.
Jared, take time to
think about the moment,
reflect on it because it'll
be in the distant past
before you know it.
Well, let me ask
you a question.
How confident was Dad
when he proposed to you?
Are you kidding?
He procrastinated and dithered.
And I think he chickened out
at least a half a dozen times.
Well, he told me a
much different version.
I speak truth.
And he's not around to
contradict me, so what I say
I love you, son.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
Yeah, this whole thing
this has got to go.
OK, we're going to 86
Santa's Village stat.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't touch that.
Logistically, this
is perfect here.
What are you doing?
Well, logistically, this
is perfect for our ice
sculpture competition.
And I have a new
chiseling set to christen.
Ned, I am not moving
Santa's Village,
especially not for
some cockamamie
ice sculpting contest.
Jared, I put up
with so much from you.
But the words cockamamie,
ice, sculpture,
and contest in combination
are fighting words, man.
Don't be ridiculous, Ned.
Just take this somewhere else.
I don't see why you can't
just take this somewhere else.
Because I personally
applied for the permits
to have Santa's Village
right here on this spot.
So if you have a
problem with it,
you should take it
up with City Hall.
Well, you may have
won this battle,
but you have not won the war.
It is not a war, people.
It's a Christmas Carnival.
- All right.
Come on, everyone.
Let's go.
What is happening?
I don't know.
What is it with
her and winning?
I mean, it's the most
wonderful time of the year.
We've already won.
Emily, there's
nothing to worry about.
When Silver and Gold get here,
it's going to be game over.
Deck the halls with
boughs of holly.
Fa la, la, la, la la, la, la la.
'Tis the season to be jolly.
Fa, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la.
Troll the ancient
Christmas carol.
Fa, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la.
Fa, la, la, la la,
la la, la la, la.
Welcome home, sir.
Get me up to speed.
I want a full summary with
all the major players.
Welcome home.
The house looks great.
Thank you.
How was your flight?
It was wonderful.
I watched Christmas
at Graceland,
and it really got
me in the spirit.
Oh, that's great.
But your father kept
quoting Art of War,
which kind of killed the mood.
We need a strategy that
focuses on their vulnerability.
- That's genius, sir.
- Thank you.
Want to go wrap presents
while they strategize?
I thought you'd never ask.
So how are you guys?
Really happy.
This whole mess
with the Johnsons
has been a little
difficult, though.
But you know what?
I think it's shown us that
we're a really great team.
That's what matters.
After all these years
with your father,
there's one main
reason why it's worked.
The fact that you both insist
Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
That has helped, but really,
because we're best friends.
- We figured it out.
- Wait.
We're wrapping presents.
This is more
important than presents.
We figured out how to get
rid of the Johnsons for good.
I don't think we want
to get rid of them, do we?
What choice do we have?
They are destroying the very
fabric of the neighborhood.
The point is to
try and find a way
to weave them into the fabric.
They committed HOA treason.
You need to pull the
weed out by the root.
By the root.
OK, nothing they
did technically
was illegal, thanks to
the addendum you signed.
It was never meant
to be used nefariously.
That was only for
people who were not
able to physically
and emotionally
be in a state of celebration.
Oh, that's interesting,
so like me last year?
No comment.
OK, if you don't
mind me asking,
what else is on this list?
Fill their entire
chimney with coal.
Use space heaters to
melt all of their snow.
Write a smear piece saying they
don't believe in you-know-who.
Keep reading.
These are just some
of the greatest hits.
Bring them some figgy pudding.
And I do mean a truckload of it.
Invite Ned's improv
troupe to ad lib
The Christmas Carol for them.
And this is one of my
personal favorites.
Hire a singing telegram to
do "The 12 Days of Christmas"
over and over and over.
On the first day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me--
No, these are terrible
ideas, especially that one.
We cannot fight fire with fire.
Oh, sir, fire,
is that too much?
But what if it's
a flaming yule log?
Love that.
Put it on the list.
No, no more list.
We have to make peace.
Honey, I came here to
help you solve this problem,
and that's what
we're trying to do.
But the Johnsons love
a fight, and this is
just playing into their hand.
- What do you suggest we do?
I don't want to do anything
aggressive or passive
aggressive, for that matter.
I say we go over there,
we sit down like adults.
And once and for all,
we find a compromise.
That's actually
not a bad idea, sir.
Put it on the list.
Thank you.
But don't mix my
Jacob Marley bit.
No, sir.
I don't even know
what that means.
Trust me, you don't.
So what brings you all by?
We thought we could
have a heart to heart.
I feel like it's been made
very clear that the four of us
haven't been on
the same page when
it comes to the
neighborhood festivities.
We want to take
responsibility for being a bit
too rigid with our traditions.
And we were thinking that your
family could take ownership
for being a bit aggressive--
Assertive when it
comes to pushing yours.
You're absolutely right.
We both put the sleigh before
the reindeer sometimes.
I realize that
we may have ruffled
some goose feathers
what with coming
up with our own holiday events.
But I'm sure it's-- it's not
something we can't fix, right?
That's exactly what we
were hoping to do today.
Let's get into it.
So when my parents
founded the HOA,
they just-- they wanted
everyone in the neighborhood
to have as much fun at
Christmas as possible.
That's a noble thing.
And if you'll
accept our apology,
we'd like to rescind
our withdrawal
from the HOA festivities.
That was just a little Johnson
family heat of the moment
enthusiasm thing, so--
We'd love to
have you guys back.
And listen.
Joe, about the citations,
just forget about them.
I mean, I know you
already ripped them up.
But let's just pretend
that I ripped them up.
And you know, you
guys are new here,
and you're getting
settled in, so--
Hey, thanks for that.
You know, that's very
Jingle Jared of you.
You know what?
This is happening.
Get over here.
Come here.
Let's not ruin it.
All right.
So can we expect your help
with the Christmas Carnival?
We're all in.
As a matter of
fact, we were just
brainstorming this morning.
Oh, yeah.
Let's just calm that storm
because the Carnival's
really all mapped out.
- Oh, no, no.
It's not going to interfere
with your plans at all.
It's going to be in the
morning before the Carnival.
So what'd you have in mind?
We're calling it
the Christmas Games.
Instead of having all these
different competitions peppered
in leading up to the days before
Christmas like we had planned--
Oh, like you planned?
We just thought we would
all have it in one day.
And the winner will be--
get this-- the Christmas goat.
Goat like?
Greatest of all time.
And let me guess,
you two are competing?
The idea is one person
from every household
will represent their family.
That's a no-brainer
for the Johnson clan.
That's true.
Can I ask, what kind of
events do you have in mind?
Oh, the usual wreath making,
gingerbread construction,
ice sculpting,
Christmas cocktail
mixing, and holiday trivia.
This sounds like a lot.
Not every family
has to participate.
It's totally optional.
I think I'm going
to have to pass.
I already have so
much on my plate.
- Yeah.
- That makes a lot of sense.
As president, you should
probably take a dignitary role.
That's really smart.
What about you, Emily?
Are you game?
- Well, I have to help Jared.
There's so much going on.
I think I'll probably
have to say no.
But can't you just
imagine all the families
in the neighborhood cheering
and having such a great time?
Yeah, don't shut
it down before we've
had a chance to think about it.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not shutting it down.
I'm here to compromise.
I just think the spirit of
it all feels a little com--
- Complicated.
- Competitive.
The word we're looking
for is competitive.
It's OK, Emily.
We understand.
Just a little surprised.
That's all.
Why is that?
I don't think I should say.
- No, I really want to hear.
- No, you know what?
I'm a gentleman.
I can't say.
Then I will.
We never took you
for such a Grinch.
She didn't mean it, baby.
Happy thoughts.
Santa Claus.
Candy canes.
Chad Kroeger, Nickelback.
I'm sorry.
Did you just call me a Grinch?
If the stocking fits.
Do you know what a Grinch is?
A Grinch is someone who
tries to ruin Christmas,
which you have been doing
since the second you
landed on this lane.
Says the Grinch.
I am not a Grinch.
Prove it.
Enter the Christmas Games.
You know what, Jane?
I will enter those
games, but I have
a few conditions of my own.
Let me guess, at the
end, everybody hugs
and gets participation ribbons.
It's me versus you.
That's it.
If you win, you can keep
ignoring our traditions,
and you can celebrate
however you want.
Are you sure about this, babe?
I am sure, babe.
And if I win, guess what?
You back off.
You fall in line with
all of the HOA rules,
and you join your
neighbors, who are dedicated
to the spirit of Christmas.
Sign me up, sister.
Let the games begin.
A Grinch?
Can you believe that?
She's just trying
to rile you up.
You have to prove
nothing to her.
This isn't about
proving I'm not a Grinch.
This is about standing
up for myself,
my family and Evergreen Lane,
and most of all, Christmas.
I've got your back.
Good, because we have
a lot of work to do.
All right, team,
the Christmas Games
are tomorrow morning, which
means you have exactly 24 hours
to lead me, guide
me, walk beside me
all the way to victory.
How are we feeling?
- Good.
It's going to be good.
I'm concerned.
She'll be fine.
I don't know.
You got this.
Yeah, like the cruise
director on the Titanic.
First things first, I
think what we should do
is let's list the
events and evaluate
your strengths and weaknesses.
That only sounds
mildly humiliating.
We're all family here.
We just want to figure out an
effective training schedule
and qualified mentorship.
- OK, fine.
Go for it.
- All right.
We have five events.
We have Christmas
tree wreath making,
gingerbread construction, ice
sculpting, Christmas cocktail
mixing, and holiday trivia.
What do you feel you
need the most help with?
- Cocktails, hands down.
- Wreath making.
Ice sculpting.
Christmas trivia.
No, gingerbread houses.
I can't just pick one.
You guys, am I hopeless?
No, darling.
Emily, you are not hopeless,
not with us as coaches.
I think what
everyone is trying
to say is we have
your back every step
of the way, right, guys?
The first step
in wreath making.
Is selecting your wreath?
No, that is ridiculous.
Who told you that?
Was it Claire down
at The Craft Crate?
- I only talked to her once.
- Don't talk to her.
She talks too much, OK?
She's trying to undermine me.
What you guys
working on right now?
Is it the sealant for the
vent or the electrical?
I don't think we need vents.
We-- we need a vent.
Isn't he a dreamboat?
OK, ready?
What language do the reindeer
names Donner and Blitzen
derive from?
Donner and Blitzen.
Donner and Blitzen.
You got this, Emily.
It's an easy one.
- Give her a chance, Jared.
- I have no clue.
Donner und Blitzen.
It's German.
Thunder and lightning.
Of course.
All right.
Tag me in.
Who played six different
roles in Polar Express?
I know that one.
Tom Hanks.
- Yes.
Good girl.
You got it.
You got it.
And go straight to the left.
Then go straight to the right.
You're sweet, dad.
I'll take it from here.
Now, this one clearly
is not finished.
This is just some stuff I picked
up on my walk this morning.
Have you ever used
a hot glue gun before?
Put it down, please.
That is dangerous.
Did you bring your
safety goggles?
I don't think you really need
safety goggles for a glue gun.
Like, 30 people every year
get injured with hot glue guns.
That's something that
Claire at The Craft Crate
didn't tell you.
Lift the icing bag.
No, no, no.
You're doing really good.
- We could cover it.
That was my fault.
That was my fault. Sorry.
bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way.
What did Jimmy Stewart
find in his pocket
in It's a Wonderful Life?
- Zuzu's petal.
- Oh, I knew that.
I couldn't help myself.
You're a chip off
the old ice block.
There is a school of
thought that unless you
can fit your head
through the wreath,
the proportions are wrong.
So let's do a little
check here to see if you
can fit your head through it.
Did an ornament drop?
- It did.
I'm so sorry.
Well, I guess, somebody
should have read the pamphlet
with the hot glue gun.
Final gumdrop.
Here we go.
It's like the capstone.
All right.
Moment of truth.
10 out of 10 lords a-leaping.
That's fantastic.
You make that yourself?
Jimmy, hi.
I didn't see you there.
Yes, I did.
I had a little
coaching, but yeah.
Looks delicious.
Well, thank you.
My parents always make
the best gingerbread houses.
But they never let me eat
them because you're not
supposed to eat works of art.
Well, that's too bad.
Eating them is the best part.
Do you want to eat this one?
- Serious?
- Why not?
It's just a practice house.
I ate a whole wall while I
was making it, so I'm stuffed.
Just promise me you'll ask
your parents first, OK?
I promise.
You know what?
You remind me so much
of myself when I was--
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
On the 11th day
of Christmas, what
did my true love send to me?
- Eleven pipers piping.
How do you say Merry
Christmas in Spanish?
Feliz navidad.
I can also sing it.
How many ghosts show
up in Christmas Carol?
Dickens four, Muppets five.
Look what Emily gave me.
You've got to be kidding me.
No way she made that herself.
She said I could eat it
if it's OK with you guys.
Absolutely not.
We need to study her design
and make sure we can top it.
Yeah, your mother's right.
This is an opportunity
to really crush them.
I'm tired of crushing people.
Seriously, it's all that
we've done since we got on TV.
I wish we never would
have won Ho Ho House.
Don't say that.
We're the Jolly
Johnsons, kiddo.
Maybe I just want to be
the regular Johnsons who
have regular Christmas like you
promised me when we moved here.
You said it yourself.
You didn't want people
to treat you different.
And we meant it.
Then maybe you should
stop trying to prove
that you're better than them.
Looks like my
work here is done.
So how's everything?
It's good.
I just want it to be
just right, you know?
I meant with you and Jared.
Oh, good.
I don't know.
It's kind of hard to tell.
We've been wrapped up in all
this Christmas craziness.
I can understand that.
Just don't let it get in the way
of what's really important, OK?
I won't.
Whatever happens tomorrow,
I'm proud of you, Emily.
Thanks, Dad.
OK, I got to go.
Time for my annual
Christmas Die Hard marathon.
Oh, maybe I'll join
you for part two.
Come on.
Pretty good.
How are you feeling
about tomorrow?
Well, if it's going to
be anything like today,
it's going to be very
long and very difficult.
Well, I think it's
going to be a great day.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You know why?
Enlighten me.
Well, you are trying to save
Christmas for the rest of us.
And that makes you
my John McClain.
What does that mean?
You're my Christmas hero.
All right.
Go get some sleep because
I have to go home.
Don't leave.
I don't want to.
But I'm a little behind on
your Christmas surprise, so--
Well, then you
better hop to it.
Love you.
I love you too.
Take care of that knee, John.
All right.
How many ghosts show up
in A Christmas Carol?
In the song, what was
Frosty the Snowman's nose?
A button.
What popular
Christmas song warns
that you better watch out?
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town."
Where is she?
She's never late.
She'll be here.
She's going to be here.
There she is.
She's coming.
She's coming.
Oh, Pamela, you're here.
Sorry I'm late, but I have
a really great reason.
I designed them myself.
OK, sure, babe, but who was up
all night hand stitching them?
It was me.
There's one for all of you.
Here, Emily.
Even though you're the
one representing us today,
this way, you'll know that
we've all got your back.
I'm just
feeling jolly.
Deck the halls in holly.
Yeah, I'm just feeling jolly.
Deck the halls in holly.
I'm just feeling jolly.
I'm just feeling jolly.
Deck the halls in holly.
I'm just feeling--
I'm sipping eggnog.
I'll leave these flashing
lights, burning that yule log,
making the season bright.
Let's hear it for
our contestants.
You ready for this?
I guess, we'll see.
Oh, it's on like gray poupon.
ladies and gentlemen,
to the first annual
Christmas Games.
Few competitors will go head
to head in a fierce competition
to decide who has
the most Christmas
spirit on Evergreen Lane and
be named the Christmas GOAT.
We want Jane!
We want Jane!
We want Jane!
No, everyone, stop.
Please just stop.
Can you just stop?
Oh, for the love of
Christmas, just stop!
What is happening to us?
I mean, look around, you guys.
Don't you realize
it's Christmas?
You know that last
year, I moved back
because I fell in
love and not just
with Jared but with
this whole neighborhood.
This place is so special.
I mean, we take
care of each other.
We look out for each other.
We bring out the
best in each other.
But all I see are people
I don't even recognize.
I don't even recognize myself.
Christmas isn't
a game, you guys.
It's not about
sides and winning.
We're one neighborhood.
And if we can't come together,
especially at Christmas,
then I don't know if
this is the neighborhood
I fell in love with.
I'm sorry, but I
have to withdraw.
And it's not because
I might lose.
I would most definitely lose.
But it's because this isn't us.
I want to have a joyful
Christmas that's full of love,
and I'm pretty sure you do too.
A deal's a deal.
If you withdraw, you
lose, and I get my way.
I know.
And I'd rather you have your
way than be at odds with you,
so you win.
You can celebrate
however you want.
And I'm going to go celebrate
Christmas with the people I
love the most.
What if all we want is to
be a part of Evergreen Lane?
Jane, I don't know what kind
of game you're trying to play,
but please--
- No game.
No competition.
Just real.
Today, you reminded us of what
Christmas used to mean to us
before we were, well, jolly.
She's right.
We just want to be the Johnsons
again on the jolliest street
that ever existed.
Should we start over?
I would really like that.
Now, that's a photo.
You got to get me
one of those jackets.
I'll get you one, buddy.
You need to talk to him.
I don't want to.
You got a little
something on your sweater.
Maybe next year, we
could maybe bake together,
something like that.
In your dreams.
OK, I cook alone, all right?
I cook alone.
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun--
You look beautiful.
Aw, thank you.
You look so handsome.
This is quite a turnout.
That art station is
absolutely bonkers.
You know, I-- this might be
the best Christmas Carnival
we've ever had, thanks to you.
Aw, it was a team effort.
We got a pretty good
thing going, don't we?
You know what?
I think it's more
perfect than perfect.
So are you.
Hey, you two.
Look, honey, young love.
Speaking of young love--
Helen, honey,
Santa's watching.
Only gets better, kids.
Ho, ho, ho,
merry Christmas.
High five.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, all right.
Good job.
Ho, ho, ho.
Are you sure
you're OK with this?
If you could only see
how much it meant to him.
Plus, he told me he
was going to introduce
me to the people that run
the Norwegian Santa Academy.
We should table that for now.
Tabled and chaired.
In the meantime, I have to
take care of a few things.
I'm going to be on cocoa duty.
But I'll see you after, right?
Right as reindeer.
I don't think that's a saying.
But it could be.
But it could be.
There you go.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, I'm so glad
you guys are here.
It's great to be
back helping out.
You and Jared have done such
a great job bringing all of this
We feel very confident in
you taking over the HOA.
Thanks, Mom.
Does being back here makes you
guys miss the old glory days?
I forget how exhausting it
is putting out all the fires.
He is lying.
He definitely misses the drama.
And what about you?
I miss the neighbors.
These people are our family.
Well, if Jared and Emily
ever end up together,
there might be a house that
comes back on the market.
Any progress on that front?
Let's just focus on Christmas.
Shall we?
I always liked that
Jared Farnsworth.
He's an architect, you know?
You don't say.
Where is my young
apprentice, anyway?
He's missing all the fun.
- I don't know.
He disappeared
about an hour ago.
He said he had some last-minute
plans to take care of.
These are for you.
And your presence is requested.
What is all this?
Well, whatever it
is, it looks magical.
Trade you?
Gladly, my lady.
Let her go, Mike.
Red and green
packages under the tree.
Twinkling lights are
all on in the street.
What is happening?
Carolers caroling.
I hear them sing,
it's Christmas again.
I feel like a kid in
December, the first time
in what feels like forever.
Love's on my list, and
I'm taking a chance.
Because when is it going
to be Christmas again?
What is all this?
I'm trying to get
you all to myself.
Along with a string quartet?
Just roll with it.
I'm getting a little nervous.
Don't be nervous.
I just got you a
Christmas present.
It's beautiful, but
you didn't wrap it.
It's what's inside.
Is this really happening?
Emily Melrose, I've been
in love with you forever.
And I will always
be in love with you.
Will you marry me?
Oh, my goodness.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
year, another great Christmas
on Evergreen Lane.
And Jared found a way
to one up anything
even the Jolly Johnsons
could have done that year.
It's funny.
I never asked Santa for
Jared to propose to me,
but somehow, he already
knew exactly what I wanted.