HauntedWeen (1991) Movie Script
Welcome
to the House of Horror.
Welcome, welcome to the House of horror.
Have a chilling, killing time.
Eddie. You look pretty scary.
Hey, Eddie. Remember
the Sigma Phi shake?
There you go, little brother.
Now, remember that's a secret.
Here you go, Eddie.
Keep the change and buy
yourself a new mask.
Hey, Eddie, how's it going?
Well, you have a good night.
Oh, by the way, Eddie. Nice mask.
Looks real scary.
Welcome
to the House of Horror.
Oh, we're so glad you came.
Have a chilling, killing time.
Oh, we're so glad you came.
Have a chilling, killing time.
Oh, welcome to the House of Horror.
Oh, happy, happy.
Have a wonderful, wonderful time.
Come on, Eddie.
You know you're too young
to work in the house.
Maybe next year.
Hey, you better get some sleep.
Your mom said we have a
lot of work to do tomorrow.
I'm going on home.
Hey, Eddie. I'll see you later.
Welcome to the House of Horror.
Welcome to the House of Horror.
Welcome to the House of Horror.
Welcome to the House of Horror.
Welcome to the House of Horror.
Blood.
Death.
Murder.
Blood.
Death.
Murder.
Boo!
You're not very scary.
Mommy? Mommy, where are you?
Mommy?
Mommy, I'm lost!
I know you. Do you know the way out?
I can't believe that one part.
God.
Katie, come on, honey!
Katie!?
Mommy!
Mommy!
Mommy!
Eddie, we need
to go away for a while.
Eddie, where are you with that wood?
Mama?
Mama? No...
No, Mama! Mama!
No!
It's time to go home, Mama.
Excellent, excellent.
Fill'er up!
It's so cold!
It is?
Yes!
Damn, we never have cold beer.
Yeah!
So I told this guy
I was a food inspector
and he gave me all this food.
Great, huh?
Oh, can we go somewhere?
Sure, babe.
Found the perfect spot.
Oh, you're so nice to me.
Brothers, little sisters. How are we?
The Sigma Phis have always
been in front of the rest.
Yeah!
It is a pleasure to be your leader.
All right. Quit it, quit it, quit it.
Ooh.
This letter is from our
national headquarters.
I rescued it from Bo's shoe.
Man, there was a hole in my shoe
and the letter looked pretty
thick, so I patched it up!
Did you read the letter first?
What? Are you kidding?
He can't read.
I think I should read this letter.
Dear Mr. Simmons, it is
my job to inform you that
although we would like
to keep you as members
of our national fraternity,
it is difficult without your dues.
Oh!
In the past six months,
we have received a total of $17.13.
You are currently past due
in the amount of $3,700.
Man, that is total bullshit!
I sent them a check last week!
How much?
Four dollars.
If we do not receive your
dues in full, we'll be forced
to revoke your membership
as a national fraternity.
You have 30 days to
reply with your payment.
So I guess it's our last party.
Aww.
Call upon the Reverend!
Friends, the Lord has called upon me
to call upon you.
He said to me, he said, "Kurt,
there is a road, a road
that you must travel.
And on this road, you will find happiness,
friendship, and brotherhood."
Lord, help us.
Help us! Help us! Help us!
But this road, it costs money.
It costs $3,700.
So I ask you,
help me find the way
and dig down deep,
deeper, into your pockets,
and give me, your leader,
a hundred dollars each.
Mel, it's good to see
you finally made it.
Well, Kurt, I see your
fraternity's in trouble, as usual.
What was that for?
I've missed you.
I just saw you this afternoon.
That's not what I mean.
Okay, then what do you mean?
Let's take a walk.
Hanks, get Listen and Jack.
We need to have a meeting
In my room. Ten minutes.
Make that 20.
Take me 30 seconds.
That's 18, dude.
One more?
I'm going home with her.
You know, you seem to ignore me lately.
I don't mean to, Mel.
I know, but why can't we
just do something sometime?
We used to do a lot together
before you became president.
I know. Being president
takes a lot of time.
I'm responsible for these guys.
At least, what's left of them.
Do you remember this summer,
when you had to leave
my family's vacation?
Yeah. My dad needed
some help on the farm.
I know, and I can understand that,
but it's always something.
So what's bothering you?
I guess I'm just
jealous of your friends.
That's okay. That's normal.
My friends are much
cooler than your friends.
I'm serious, Kurt.
Look, I really like what I'm doing here.
These guys mean a lot to me.
One day, we'll have a chance
to do something for each other.
I know, but I love you.
Even if you do ignore me half the time.
I'll try harder.
I'll try to be more understanding.
Tomorrow, we'll go
someplace. Just you and me.
No fraternity.
That would be nice.
Let's go back inside.
All right, guys, we need to talk.
This letter I read was really important.
Let's get to the problem.
We are going down unless
we find some money fast.
Man, I wrote them a letter and told them
we were having a few problems.
Well, Hanks, what did
you say in the letter?
"To whom it may concern, man,
we're having a few problems.
Sincerely, Hanks. Treasurer."
Man. I don't know how
you came to be treasurer.
Hell, Listen. You nominated me.
I did? I did that?
Hey, let's have a car wash.
Oh, man. I hate to wash my own car,
much less somebody else's.
Let's steal a car and sell it!
Guys, guys.
The last time we had a car
wash, we only made $120.
We can rake the neighbor's leaves.
It's that time of year.
Man, we're not in college to work.
We're in college to use our minds.
Let's rob a liquor
store. Everybody does it.
Oh, yeah. Right?
And as far as raking leaves
goes, our neighbors hate us.
If they knew that we needed money,
they'd probably find it all and hide it.
Well, that's a problem
we need to think about.
Kurt, let's ask your
dad if we can sponge
more money off of him.
We'll pay him back.
Yeah. Like we paid
him back the last time
and the time before that.
My credit line is shot.
1 got it.
We've never charged anybody
to get in our parties.
Let's have a little fundraiser hell raiser.
We charge three dollars a
piece and everybody will come.
Well, I hate to charge
people for a party.
Screw it, Kurt.
Man, let's do it.
Jack?
It's our only choice.
Hanks, you're in
charge. Meeting adjourned.
What? Man, this isn't fair!
I burned up all my brains
just thinking up the idea,
now I gotta do all the manual labor?
Is anybody gonna help me
with this? This is bullshit.
Hey, Melanie called about an hour ago.
Ah, shit. I'm supposed to call her.
I'll just go pick her up.
Jack, I'll give you a ride.
Cool.
Jack, you really think National
will take our fraternity away?
Man, don't even worry about it.
We'll make lots of money at the party.
So what are you and Mel doing today?
I think we'll just go to the lake.
I'm just gotta spend some time with her.
You know how girls are.
Yeah, I know how women can be.
Oh, so what are you trying to say?
I don't know women?
Thanks, Kurt. Thanks a lot.
We should do this more often.
Ah, you see, Mel, this isn't so bad.
No, the sun feels great.
It's nice. And you look great.
Would you put some oil on my back?
Sure.
Mel, wait a minute!
Yeah!
Kurt, man, took care of everything.
The big party's tonight,
we're gonna make a million.
Hey, who's driving this boat?
Hey, am. I'm the designated driver.
And he's doing a great job too.
Mel, I had no idea these
guys are gonna be here.
Oh, man. Come on. Let's go.
I don't need any beer here.
Oh, yeah.
Let's get out here.
All right, let's go.
Mel! Wait.
Let's go for a drive on
the other side of the lake.
What is it?
That house. I've seen pictures of it.
It's the old Berber house.
Kurt, I was talking.
Weren't you even listening to me?
Come on, let's look around.
God, it's spooky. Do you
think anyone lives here?
Let's go find out.
This is a scary place.
Locked.
Damn!
Mel, I got an idea.
This would make a great haunted house
for a Sigma Phi fundraiser.
Yeah!
Dang!
You all right?
I cut myself on that screen.
Let me see.
Okay, we better have
someone take a look at this.
The Sigma Phis proudly present
the Fundraiser Hellraiser with... The Side!
Come on up, my little flock of chickens.
We love you, we love you.
Just don't forget your money.
Just don't forget your
money. We got it all here.
Hot women and cold beer,
baby. Yeah, head on in.
May I help you?
Yeah. Is this the Fundraiser Hellraiser?
Do you have funds?
Three a piece, right?
Three dollars?!
That's okay, I got it.
Let's raise some hell, fellas.
But I don't have any change.
Raise some hell, fellas!
You know, this whole party was my idea.
What's your name?
Donna.
Well, you must be real smart.
You're very perceptive,
but mostly, I'm wealthy.
My daddy owns a money farm.
A money farm?
Yeah.
We grow $10 bills on the tree.
Pick 'em off every spring.
Ah, that's baloney.
No, it's money! Here's a 10.
But don't spend it for a couple
of weeks. It's not ripe yet.
You're a funny guy.
You wanna walk me home later?
Oh, yeah!
So what's up with you and Kurt?
Oh, we're just fine.
Come on, Mel.
We've been friends for
for what, seven weeks?
What's the scoop?
Oh, it's this fraternity.
These guys mean more to him than I do.
I'm telling you, that's the
way it is with these guys.
The apes have been that way forever.
But I love him and I wanna
spend more time with him.
You want my advice? Dump
his ass. Just forget him.
Find somebody else. You're
too young to be miserable.
And if he really gave a crap
about you, he'd fight for you.
Sally, I can't do that.
Why not?
Because we've been
dating for six months.
Dump him.
But I don't think I --
No, I think that you should dump him.
Look, he'll follow you.
Believe me, I know guys.
Turd heads.
You're crying. Why are you crying?
Kurt? We need to talk.
Don't you get it? Nothing has changed!
Jack, take over.
Can we come into the party?
Are you girls over 187
I'm talking years, not days.
Yes.
Three dollars each.
Come on in.
Hanks, how we doing?
Oh, excellent.
Another 1,200 people and
we got this thing lit.
Hey, I need some money to buy a keg.
Man, I just gave you
$40 a few minutes ago.
I know, but we need another keg.
Every time we get ahead,
we need another keg.
I know that, Hanks.
But if we don't have beer,
then the party will die down.
And if we don't have a party,
then we can't make any money.
Have a good time.
Thanks, guy.
Three dollars.
I'm not here to party.
Man, don't close us down.
We're just having a little fundraiser.
And I want to help.
Can you write us a check for 37 hundred?
There's an abandoned house
outside of town, near the lake.
Make a great haunted house.
- That's the Berber house.
- Yes.
Man, that place has
been closed for years.
Nobody gets in.
Here. This will get you in.
You may use it with my permission.
Who are you?
I'm a Sigma Phi, just like you.
Brother. Gimme the shake.
- Did I remember?
- Huh?
That was the correct shake, wasn't it?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was fine.
I hope you make lots and lots of money.
I didn't get your name, brother.
Good luck, brother.
Thanks. I'll tell the guys.
Mel, wait, come back.
Why you doing this?
Man? What is her problem?
- I don't know.
- Well, check this out.
Some dude just came by
and gave me the key to the Berber house.
Hey, I was just out there today.
I was telling Listen and Jack
we ought to have a haunted house there.
What a cooky-dink.
The guy that owns it said
we could use the house.
This will solve our money problem forever.
That place has been closed
forever. How can we get in?
I give you the key to Hell.
This will be a killer haunted house.
Who was this guy?
Man, he's alumni, but who cares anyway?
We'll go out there and
set up a haunted house.
It's October, we'll just count the cash.
And this guy didn't want anything?
No. Sometimes people just like to do
nice things for other people.
Makes 'em feel good about themselves.
I learned that in Psychology 311.
This is it.
So this guy just walks up to you
and gives you a key to this house?
That guy was full of shit, man.
That key is not gonna work.
Man, that guy was for real.
He was spooky, but he was for real.
He's alumni. He wants us
to make some money, fellas.
I believe you, Hanks.
So Kurt, I heard what
Mel did last night.
How come she broke up with you?
For one, we didn't break up.
She said she wanted some
space, so I'm giving it to her.
Oh, and you don't call that a breakup?
Of course not.
So what is she? Seeing somebody else?
I don't know, maybe. It's fine with me.
Well, maybe I'll take her out.
Jiggle it, Jack. Play with it,
like you've been doing
the last four weeks.
That's real effective.
Voila.
I am so glad he gave us the key!
Man, with some paint, some Lysol,
this would be a killer haunted house.
Hell, screw the paint, man.
Just bring some people in
here and let 'em stand around.
That'll be scary enough.
No kidding.
I'm so scared, I gotta
take a leak already.
Man, I get the feeling
some really scary shit
went on here at one time.
This place is perfect.
Kind of reminds me of myself.
Well, I did it last night.
I know, I heard.
You know, I'm still not sure if it
was the right thing to do.
He's been under a lot of pressure, lately,
with this fund raising thing.
Look, I'm telling you,
if he really loves you, he'll come back.
Do you think so?
I know so. Trust me.
Do you know where they are right now?
Where?
They're at the Berber house.
Some guy came by last
night, gave them a key,
and told 'em they could
have a haunted house
in order to raise the money.
Maybe if everything goes well,
then Kurt will have more time for me.
I'm sure he will, but he's
not the only guy around.
Yeah, I'm finding that out.
Zip it, zip it, zip it, zip it!
Welcome to Hell, my friends.
- Nails?
- Nails!
- Paint?
- Paint!
And most important, beer!
What more could a guy ask for?
Permission!
Who invited him?
Hi, Sheriff!
Just what in the hell
are all of you doing out here anyway?
We're just having a little
fundraiser haunted house
for the community.
You do have permission
to be here, don't you?
Oh, yes, sir. We've got
the key. That's permission.
A key? A key to the Berber house?
Who the hell would give
you a key to this place?
Well, it fits the lock.
You getting smart with me, frat boy?
Oh, no, sir. I'm not a smart person.
Fraternity project, huh?
You know, I know how these
things can get outta hand,
especially when it's a Sigma Phi project.
That's why I'm gonna keep an eye on each
and every one of you the
whole time you're out here,
and frat boy, don't mess
with me on this one.
Let's do it!
In a haunted house, on a haunted 'Ween
It's the biggest
party you've ever seen
Gonna raise some hell,
gonna lose control
We're just dying to start the show
We're just dying to start the show
In a haunted house, on a haunted 'Ween
He'll let us wait to hear you scream
It's well rehearsed, he likes his role
Someone's dying to start the show
Someone's dying to start the show
In a haunted house on a haunted 'Ween
It's the biggest
party that's ever been
It's time for rocking heads to roll
We're just dying to start the show
We're all just dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Okay. Who ordered the pizza?
I'm so sorry. Just put it over there.
We'll get to 'em.
"Free Bird," man.
What song is it y'all want to hear?
"Free Bird."
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
That's all I know.
I got one.
Well, I don't know why
I keep on believing
That she loves me when
I know it's not true
Maybe my leaving
Would be the thing to do
But my rose colored glasses
That I'm looking through
Show me the beauty
And hide all the truth
I've got a great idea.
Let's tell ghost stories.
Tell us a true story.
Okay. Well, y'all know
my daddy's the sheriff.
Come on, you guys. I'm serious.
Well, anyway, about 20 years
ago, on this very property,
a little girl was murdered
in that haunted house.
Come on!
Hey, I'm serious.
Well, this house used to be a great place
for families to go,
but one night, they found a little girl
in one of those rooms.
They found her head cut off
and a monster mask laying beside it.
Blood was everywhere.
People get murdered all the time.
I'm not finished, butthead.
Anyway, the mother who owned this house
disappeared that night with a little boy.
And no one's heard from him since.
Maybe he got murdered too?
Or maybe he's the one
that killed the little girl.
And is still on the loose.
Now that is scary.
Well, my daddy says
the little boy did it.
He talked to a lot of people that night.
Said the little boy was really weird.
He was into monsters and
all that creepy stuff.
Well, I don't believe any of it.
I mean, I think the girl
cut her own head off.
Right.
And now, she's trying to
pin the rap on the little boy.
Nobody would cut their own head off.
Well, speaking of head...
Let's go swimming.
I don't have my suit.
I don't wanna go swimming
with your swimsuit, Joanne.
Well, in that case...
We'll be at the lake if anybody needs us.
So you wanna go for a little dip?
Well, I didn't bring my suit.
You don't see Flipper wearing no suit.
Well, I'm not Flipper.
And anyway, we've got class tomorrow.
Why don't we just sit
here and enjoy the fire?
Okay.
So does anybody want another beer?
Yeah.
Joanne, this is my
favorite part of every movie.
Oh, you like this?
Are you sure you wanna go
swimming? It's probably cold.
Well, sure, I'm sure. I
mean, aren't you sure?
Well, sure, I'm sure.
I just wanted to make sure you were sure.
Sure.
I thought you said you
wanted to go swimming.
I do, but...
Ferris, what are you doing? I'm cold!
Come make me warm again.
Ferris, I'm freezing.
I'm ready for you.
Ferris, if you don't get
out here in three seconds,
I'm going to freeze to death!
I said I was ready for you, Ferris.
Ferris?
One night only.
Sigma Phi house. Be there.
Hey, come to the haunted house.
Be really scary.
One night only.
It's scary. Come to the
haunted house tonight.
Scare your friends.
Sigma Phi's haunted house. Be there.
Come two, come
all to the haunted house!
We got free admission,
we got free parking.
Only five dollars!
Man, Hanks, I'm really pumped.
This will be enough to cover
that bill for Nationals.
Here you go.
Welcome to the House of Horror.
We'll see you there.
You know, this whole thing
Is just really weird
though, don't you think?
What do you mean?
Well, the whole thing.
This guy comes over
and gives us permission to
use the house, the keys.
It's all so easy.
Man, look at it this way.
You're some poor slob
bum, laying in the gutter.
You got that drool coming outta your mouth
and some lady gives
you a five dollar bill.
You'll be the type of person
to send her a thank you note!
Yeah. You always have a way
of putting things in
the proper perspective.
I tell you something
that's weird, though.
Joanne and Ferris never came
back from the lake last night.
They didn't?
No. They went skinny dipping.
Maybe they weren't skinny enough.
Man, you know how those two are.
They're like rabbits.
Hey, where'd Mel sleep?
Oh, she slept by Bentley.
But don't worry about it,
they didn't do anything.
I kept my eyeball on 'em.
Good.
I see a couple of things
I need to attend to, Junior.
We'll see you later.
Alright.
Hey, the house looks great.
Yeah, thanks for your help.
Are you mad at me?
Why? Should I be?
I don't know. You seem like
you don't wanna talk to me.
Well, I thought I was giving
you the space you wanted.
Why don't you go talk to Bentley?
Well, maybe I'll just do more than talk.
What would it cost to take
a cab from New York City
to Los Angeles?
Joe?
$5,000?
Is it 5,000,
500 or 55,000? Julie?
From here to New York?
5,000.
5,000. John, what do you think?
5,000.
At current rates,
a cross country cab fare
would be more like 5,000.
Julie gets to
spin, John gets four,
Julie gets three.
So how are you and Mel getting along?
What position
do you play in baseball?
Hey, I don't even wanna get into
this whole thing with you, Kurt.
Well, you're right in the middle of it.
Like it or not.
Kurt, no offense, but she
told me the whole story.
You don't pay enough attention to her.
You listen to me, you little bastard.
She's confused and she just
needs some room to think.
So why don't you just back off?
You're right. You're absolutely right.
I wasn't gonna do anything.
But now?
Now, I think I'll bone her.
Man. You're not even worth it.
Well, you didn't buzz in,
you didn't get an answer in there.
How many?
Three.
Yeah.
Comfy?
About the stowaways.
Oh, ah,
I didn't even know they're back there.
Five.
That's a lot of money, isn't it?
But you're gonna see some things tonight
you have never, ever seen.
Hey, Hanks, how we doing?
Unbelievable, man.
We should have a haunted house every week.
Excellent, Hanks, keep it up.
Keeping it up is no problem.
Is this gonna be one
of them really scary,
scary haunted houses?
Yes. Yes it is.
It better be.
Welcome to Hauntedween!
Chills, thrills and kills
are on tonight's agenda.
Yo. So how are things going?
Man, I have never seen more girlies
In one place in my life,
but I wanna be inside on
the wall of hands, man.
Hey, dudes. Three girls.
Stand against the wall.
Code red, code red.
Doctor Slasher, please return to ER.
Doctor, I'm dying over here!
Screaming again!
Screaming makes me tense
and I lose my patience!
Anybody need a wart burned off?
So I make a few mistakes,
it's a medical practice!
Code
blue! Doctor Slasher,
please report to CCU!
Next?
I've got to go to the bathroom.
Can you guys handle the next group?
Sure, we'll handle them.
Cute. Real cute.
Ladies? Care to join us?
Decisions, decisions!
Sit and spin!
How's your boyfriend?
What about you?
You ready to get down?
- Yeah.
You gonna come down? Shut up!
You ready to come out?
You ready to come out?
A little close there, huh, buddy?
Close there, huh?
Hey, are you about ready for a beer?
That'd be great.
Get me one too.
Cool. I'll be right back.
The shit we go through for these guys.
Listen! Man, this thing
Is really going great!
Hell yeah, man! Bet you we've
made enough money already.
Beautiful.
Well, thank you brother. Nice mask.
You know, this haunted
house stuff is hard work.
That it is.
Look, this isn't very private.
I think everyone's got this under control.
Why don't we slip outside?
Okay.
My van's parked out back.
Meet me there. 10 minutes.
What am I doing?
How do we get out of here?
Hey, look, there's more.
This is awesome!
Look at that.
This is awesome.
Man, it looks so real.
Would you help us!?
This isn't part of the
house! This guy is a killer!
This is for real!
She's a good actress.
She can really act.
She is good.
It looks so real.
Oh, God! No!
Don't you people get this?
This isn't fake!
Please, don't let him kill me!
Batter up, dude!
Strike one!
Strike two!
Take his head off!
Welcome.
Maybe it's time we go through.
Sounds like too much fun.
That was good.
That was the scariest
haunted house I've ever seen.
Yeah, that kill room. God,
that was really scary. Woo.
That gave me a mild cardial infarction.
What the hell?
Ah!
Wow, I found this cool mask in the house.
Man, you scared the shit outta me!
Hey, aren't you supposed
to be at the house?
I'm taking a little break.
Mel's coming out to join me.
Mel!
You and Mel got something going?
Not with you around! Dickhead.
Get outta here.
Well, okay, but you owe
me a good story later.
Asshole.
Jack, I gotta go. I'll see you later.
You don't wanna see
the rest of the house?
I've got to take care of something.
Excuse me, pardon me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Mel, wait a minute. I want to talk to you.
I didn't think we had
anything to talk about.
Look, I've been trying to
give you the space you wanted.
And I appreciate that. And
I figured some things out.
Me too. I love you.
You mean it?
I do. I really do.
Sally was right. She
told me you'd chase me.
I just didn't know
how much you meant to me
until I thought I'd lost you.
Kurt. you never lost me.
You had me the whole time.
You just didn't know it.
Whoo!
This being my idea and all,
I should at least get to see the mama.
Hang him! Let him hang! Yeah!
Who are you? What are you doing?
Bastard!
Slice her!
Yeah, come on, slice her up!
No!
No!
Son of a bitch!
It sounds like a commotion up there.
I don't know, let's go see.
- Stop.
- Stand against the wall.
Hang him! Let him hang! Yeah!
Stop him!
Stop him! He's killing us! This is real!
You bastard! You prick!
Help us!
Please, please help us.
No! This isn't part of the house!
Oh my God, he's really killing them!
Jack, get him outta here.
Billy, are you okay?
Hey, look, everybody,
there's another room! Come on!
Get out! Everybody, get out!
Mel, you all right? Mel?
God, Hanks, you okay?
I got him.
I cooked him like one of
mama's home cooked biscuits.
Son of a bitch!
You are gonna be fine, Mel.
I love you, Kurt.
I know, I know.
He killed them! They're dead!
My God, he's still alive!
Bastard.
You're gonna be fine, Mel.
In a haunted house, on a Hauntedween
It's the biggest
party you've ever seen
Gonna raise some hell,
gonna lose control
We're just dying to start the show
We're just dying to start the show
In a haunted house, on a Hauntedween
Let us wait to hear you scream
He's well rehearsed, he likes his role
Someone's dying to start the show
Someone's dying to start the show
In a haunted house, on a Hauntedween
It's the biggest
party that's ever been
It's time for rocking heads to roll
We're just dying to start the show
We're all just dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
to the House of Horror.
Welcome, welcome to the House of horror.
Have a chilling, killing time.
Eddie. You look pretty scary.
Hey, Eddie. Remember
the Sigma Phi shake?
There you go, little brother.
Now, remember that's a secret.
Here you go, Eddie.
Keep the change and buy
yourself a new mask.
Hey, Eddie, how's it going?
Well, you have a good night.
Oh, by the way, Eddie. Nice mask.
Looks real scary.
Welcome
to the House of Horror.
Oh, we're so glad you came.
Have a chilling, killing time.
Oh, we're so glad you came.
Have a chilling, killing time.
Oh, welcome to the House of Horror.
Oh, happy, happy.
Have a wonderful, wonderful time.
Come on, Eddie.
You know you're too young
to work in the house.
Maybe next year.
Hey, you better get some sleep.
Your mom said we have a
lot of work to do tomorrow.
I'm going on home.
Hey, Eddie. I'll see you later.
Welcome to the House of Horror.
Welcome to the House of Horror.
Welcome to the House of Horror.
Welcome to the House of Horror.
Welcome to the House of Horror.
Blood.
Death.
Murder.
Blood.
Death.
Murder.
Boo!
You're not very scary.
Mommy? Mommy, where are you?
Mommy?
Mommy, I'm lost!
I know you. Do you know the way out?
I can't believe that one part.
God.
Katie, come on, honey!
Katie!?
Mommy!
Mommy!
Mommy!
Eddie, we need
to go away for a while.
Eddie, where are you with that wood?
Mama?
Mama? No...
No, Mama! Mama!
No!
It's time to go home, Mama.
Excellent, excellent.
Fill'er up!
It's so cold!
It is?
Yes!
Damn, we never have cold beer.
Yeah!
So I told this guy
I was a food inspector
and he gave me all this food.
Great, huh?
Oh, can we go somewhere?
Sure, babe.
Found the perfect spot.
Oh, you're so nice to me.
Brothers, little sisters. How are we?
The Sigma Phis have always
been in front of the rest.
Yeah!
It is a pleasure to be your leader.
All right. Quit it, quit it, quit it.
Ooh.
This letter is from our
national headquarters.
I rescued it from Bo's shoe.
Man, there was a hole in my shoe
and the letter looked pretty
thick, so I patched it up!
Did you read the letter first?
What? Are you kidding?
He can't read.
I think I should read this letter.
Dear Mr. Simmons, it is
my job to inform you that
although we would like
to keep you as members
of our national fraternity,
it is difficult without your dues.
Oh!
In the past six months,
we have received a total of $17.13.
You are currently past due
in the amount of $3,700.
Man, that is total bullshit!
I sent them a check last week!
How much?
Four dollars.
If we do not receive your
dues in full, we'll be forced
to revoke your membership
as a national fraternity.
You have 30 days to
reply with your payment.
So I guess it's our last party.
Aww.
Call upon the Reverend!
Friends, the Lord has called upon me
to call upon you.
He said to me, he said, "Kurt,
there is a road, a road
that you must travel.
And on this road, you will find happiness,
friendship, and brotherhood."
Lord, help us.
Help us! Help us! Help us!
But this road, it costs money.
It costs $3,700.
So I ask you,
help me find the way
and dig down deep,
deeper, into your pockets,
and give me, your leader,
a hundred dollars each.
Mel, it's good to see
you finally made it.
Well, Kurt, I see your
fraternity's in trouble, as usual.
What was that for?
I've missed you.
I just saw you this afternoon.
That's not what I mean.
Okay, then what do you mean?
Let's take a walk.
Hanks, get Listen and Jack.
We need to have a meeting
In my room. Ten minutes.
Make that 20.
Take me 30 seconds.
That's 18, dude.
One more?
I'm going home with her.
You know, you seem to ignore me lately.
I don't mean to, Mel.
I know, but why can't we
just do something sometime?
We used to do a lot together
before you became president.
I know. Being president
takes a lot of time.
I'm responsible for these guys.
At least, what's left of them.
Do you remember this summer,
when you had to leave
my family's vacation?
Yeah. My dad needed
some help on the farm.
I know, and I can understand that,
but it's always something.
So what's bothering you?
I guess I'm just
jealous of your friends.
That's okay. That's normal.
My friends are much
cooler than your friends.
I'm serious, Kurt.
Look, I really like what I'm doing here.
These guys mean a lot to me.
One day, we'll have a chance
to do something for each other.
I know, but I love you.
Even if you do ignore me half the time.
I'll try harder.
I'll try to be more understanding.
Tomorrow, we'll go
someplace. Just you and me.
No fraternity.
That would be nice.
Let's go back inside.
All right, guys, we need to talk.
This letter I read was really important.
Let's get to the problem.
We are going down unless
we find some money fast.
Man, I wrote them a letter and told them
we were having a few problems.
Well, Hanks, what did
you say in the letter?
"To whom it may concern, man,
we're having a few problems.
Sincerely, Hanks. Treasurer."
Man. I don't know how
you came to be treasurer.
Hell, Listen. You nominated me.
I did? I did that?
Hey, let's have a car wash.
Oh, man. I hate to wash my own car,
much less somebody else's.
Let's steal a car and sell it!
Guys, guys.
The last time we had a car
wash, we only made $120.
We can rake the neighbor's leaves.
It's that time of year.
Man, we're not in college to work.
We're in college to use our minds.
Let's rob a liquor
store. Everybody does it.
Oh, yeah. Right?
And as far as raking leaves
goes, our neighbors hate us.
If they knew that we needed money,
they'd probably find it all and hide it.
Well, that's a problem
we need to think about.
Kurt, let's ask your
dad if we can sponge
more money off of him.
We'll pay him back.
Yeah. Like we paid
him back the last time
and the time before that.
My credit line is shot.
1 got it.
We've never charged anybody
to get in our parties.
Let's have a little fundraiser hell raiser.
We charge three dollars a
piece and everybody will come.
Well, I hate to charge
people for a party.
Screw it, Kurt.
Man, let's do it.
Jack?
It's our only choice.
Hanks, you're in
charge. Meeting adjourned.
What? Man, this isn't fair!
I burned up all my brains
just thinking up the idea,
now I gotta do all the manual labor?
Is anybody gonna help me
with this? This is bullshit.
Hey, Melanie called about an hour ago.
Ah, shit. I'm supposed to call her.
I'll just go pick her up.
Jack, I'll give you a ride.
Cool.
Jack, you really think National
will take our fraternity away?
Man, don't even worry about it.
We'll make lots of money at the party.
So what are you and Mel doing today?
I think we'll just go to the lake.
I'm just gotta spend some time with her.
You know how girls are.
Yeah, I know how women can be.
Oh, so what are you trying to say?
I don't know women?
Thanks, Kurt. Thanks a lot.
We should do this more often.
Ah, you see, Mel, this isn't so bad.
No, the sun feels great.
It's nice. And you look great.
Would you put some oil on my back?
Sure.
Mel, wait a minute!
Yeah!
Kurt, man, took care of everything.
The big party's tonight,
we're gonna make a million.
Hey, who's driving this boat?
Hey, am. I'm the designated driver.
And he's doing a great job too.
Mel, I had no idea these
guys are gonna be here.
Oh, man. Come on. Let's go.
I don't need any beer here.
Oh, yeah.
Let's get out here.
All right, let's go.
Mel! Wait.
Let's go for a drive on
the other side of the lake.
What is it?
That house. I've seen pictures of it.
It's the old Berber house.
Kurt, I was talking.
Weren't you even listening to me?
Come on, let's look around.
God, it's spooky. Do you
think anyone lives here?
Let's go find out.
This is a scary place.
Locked.
Damn!
Mel, I got an idea.
This would make a great haunted house
for a Sigma Phi fundraiser.
Yeah!
Dang!
You all right?
I cut myself on that screen.
Let me see.
Okay, we better have
someone take a look at this.
The Sigma Phis proudly present
the Fundraiser Hellraiser with... The Side!
Come on up, my little flock of chickens.
We love you, we love you.
Just don't forget your money.
Just don't forget your
money. We got it all here.
Hot women and cold beer,
baby. Yeah, head on in.
May I help you?
Yeah. Is this the Fundraiser Hellraiser?
Do you have funds?
Three a piece, right?
Three dollars?!
That's okay, I got it.
Let's raise some hell, fellas.
But I don't have any change.
Raise some hell, fellas!
You know, this whole party was my idea.
What's your name?
Donna.
Well, you must be real smart.
You're very perceptive,
but mostly, I'm wealthy.
My daddy owns a money farm.
A money farm?
Yeah.
We grow $10 bills on the tree.
Pick 'em off every spring.
Ah, that's baloney.
No, it's money! Here's a 10.
But don't spend it for a couple
of weeks. It's not ripe yet.
You're a funny guy.
You wanna walk me home later?
Oh, yeah!
So what's up with you and Kurt?
Oh, we're just fine.
Come on, Mel.
We've been friends for
for what, seven weeks?
What's the scoop?
Oh, it's this fraternity.
These guys mean more to him than I do.
I'm telling you, that's the
way it is with these guys.
The apes have been that way forever.
But I love him and I wanna
spend more time with him.
You want my advice? Dump
his ass. Just forget him.
Find somebody else. You're
too young to be miserable.
And if he really gave a crap
about you, he'd fight for you.
Sally, I can't do that.
Why not?
Because we've been
dating for six months.
Dump him.
But I don't think I --
No, I think that you should dump him.
Look, he'll follow you.
Believe me, I know guys.
Turd heads.
You're crying. Why are you crying?
Kurt? We need to talk.
Don't you get it? Nothing has changed!
Jack, take over.
Can we come into the party?
Are you girls over 187
I'm talking years, not days.
Yes.
Three dollars each.
Come on in.
Hanks, how we doing?
Oh, excellent.
Another 1,200 people and
we got this thing lit.
Hey, I need some money to buy a keg.
Man, I just gave you
$40 a few minutes ago.
I know, but we need another keg.
Every time we get ahead,
we need another keg.
I know that, Hanks.
But if we don't have beer,
then the party will die down.
And if we don't have a party,
then we can't make any money.
Have a good time.
Thanks, guy.
Three dollars.
I'm not here to party.
Man, don't close us down.
We're just having a little fundraiser.
And I want to help.
Can you write us a check for 37 hundred?
There's an abandoned house
outside of town, near the lake.
Make a great haunted house.
- That's the Berber house.
- Yes.
Man, that place has
been closed for years.
Nobody gets in.
Here. This will get you in.
You may use it with my permission.
Who are you?
I'm a Sigma Phi, just like you.
Brother. Gimme the shake.
- Did I remember?
- Huh?
That was the correct shake, wasn't it?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was fine.
I hope you make lots and lots of money.
I didn't get your name, brother.
Good luck, brother.
Thanks. I'll tell the guys.
Mel, wait, come back.
Why you doing this?
Man? What is her problem?
- I don't know.
- Well, check this out.
Some dude just came by
and gave me the key to the Berber house.
Hey, I was just out there today.
I was telling Listen and Jack
we ought to have a haunted house there.
What a cooky-dink.
The guy that owns it said
we could use the house.
This will solve our money problem forever.
That place has been closed
forever. How can we get in?
I give you the key to Hell.
This will be a killer haunted house.
Who was this guy?
Man, he's alumni, but who cares anyway?
We'll go out there and
set up a haunted house.
It's October, we'll just count the cash.
And this guy didn't want anything?
No. Sometimes people just like to do
nice things for other people.
Makes 'em feel good about themselves.
I learned that in Psychology 311.
This is it.
So this guy just walks up to you
and gives you a key to this house?
That guy was full of shit, man.
That key is not gonna work.
Man, that guy was for real.
He was spooky, but he was for real.
He's alumni. He wants us
to make some money, fellas.
I believe you, Hanks.
So Kurt, I heard what
Mel did last night.
How come she broke up with you?
For one, we didn't break up.
She said she wanted some
space, so I'm giving it to her.
Oh, and you don't call that a breakup?
Of course not.
So what is she? Seeing somebody else?
I don't know, maybe. It's fine with me.
Well, maybe I'll take her out.
Jiggle it, Jack. Play with it,
like you've been doing
the last four weeks.
That's real effective.
Voila.
I am so glad he gave us the key!
Man, with some paint, some Lysol,
this would be a killer haunted house.
Hell, screw the paint, man.
Just bring some people in
here and let 'em stand around.
That'll be scary enough.
No kidding.
I'm so scared, I gotta
take a leak already.
Man, I get the feeling
some really scary shit
went on here at one time.
This place is perfect.
Kind of reminds me of myself.
Well, I did it last night.
I know, I heard.
You know, I'm still not sure if it
was the right thing to do.
He's been under a lot of pressure, lately,
with this fund raising thing.
Look, I'm telling you,
if he really loves you, he'll come back.
Do you think so?
I know so. Trust me.
Do you know where they are right now?
Where?
They're at the Berber house.
Some guy came by last
night, gave them a key,
and told 'em they could
have a haunted house
in order to raise the money.
Maybe if everything goes well,
then Kurt will have more time for me.
I'm sure he will, but he's
not the only guy around.
Yeah, I'm finding that out.
Zip it, zip it, zip it, zip it!
Welcome to Hell, my friends.
- Nails?
- Nails!
- Paint?
- Paint!
And most important, beer!
What more could a guy ask for?
Permission!
Who invited him?
Hi, Sheriff!
Just what in the hell
are all of you doing out here anyway?
We're just having a little
fundraiser haunted house
for the community.
You do have permission
to be here, don't you?
Oh, yes, sir. We've got
the key. That's permission.
A key? A key to the Berber house?
Who the hell would give
you a key to this place?
Well, it fits the lock.
You getting smart with me, frat boy?
Oh, no, sir. I'm not a smart person.
Fraternity project, huh?
You know, I know how these
things can get outta hand,
especially when it's a Sigma Phi project.
That's why I'm gonna keep an eye on each
and every one of you the
whole time you're out here,
and frat boy, don't mess
with me on this one.
Let's do it!
In a haunted house, on a haunted 'Ween
It's the biggest
party you've ever seen
Gonna raise some hell,
gonna lose control
We're just dying to start the show
We're just dying to start the show
In a haunted house, on a haunted 'Ween
He'll let us wait to hear you scream
It's well rehearsed, he likes his role
Someone's dying to start the show
Someone's dying to start the show
In a haunted house on a haunted 'Ween
It's the biggest
party that's ever been
It's time for rocking heads to roll
We're just dying to start the show
We're all just dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Okay. Who ordered the pizza?
I'm so sorry. Just put it over there.
We'll get to 'em.
"Free Bird," man.
What song is it y'all want to hear?
"Free Bird."
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
That's all I know.
I got one.
Well, I don't know why
I keep on believing
That she loves me when
I know it's not true
Maybe my leaving
Would be the thing to do
But my rose colored glasses
That I'm looking through
Show me the beauty
And hide all the truth
I've got a great idea.
Let's tell ghost stories.
Tell us a true story.
Okay. Well, y'all know
my daddy's the sheriff.
Come on, you guys. I'm serious.
Well, anyway, about 20 years
ago, on this very property,
a little girl was murdered
in that haunted house.
Come on!
Hey, I'm serious.
Well, this house used to be a great place
for families to go,
but one night, they found a little girl
in one of those rooms.
They found her head cut off
and a monster mask laying beside it.
Blood was everywhere.
People get murdered all the time.
I'm not finished, butthead.
Anyway, the mother who owned this house
disappeared that night with a little boy.
And no one's heard from him since.
Maybe he got murdered too?
Or maybe he's the one
that killed the little girl.
And is still on the loose.
Now that is scary.
Well, my daddy says
the little boy did it.
He talked to a lot of people that night.
Said the little boy was really weird.
He was into monsters and
all that creepy stuff.
Well, I don't believe any of it.
I mean, I think the girl
cut her own head off.
Right.
And now, she's trying to
pin the rap on the little boy.
Nobody would cut their own head off.
Well, speaking of head...
Let's go swimming.
I don't have my suit.
I don't wanna go swimming
with your swimsuit, Joanne.
Well, in that case...
We'll be at the lake if anybody needs us.
So you wanna go for a little dip?
Well, I didn't bring my suit.
You don't see Flipper wearing no suit.
Well, I'm not Flipper.
And anyway, we've got class tomorrow.
Why don't we just sit
here and enjoy the fire?
Okay.
So does anybody want another beer?
Yeah.
Joanne, this is my
favorite part of every movie.
Oh, you like this?
Are you sure you wanna go
swimming? It's probably cold.
Well, sure, I'm sure. I
mean, aren't you sure?
Well, sure, I'm sure.
I just wanted to make sure you were sure.
Sure.
I thought you said you
wanted to go swimming.
I do, but...
Ferris, what are you doing? I'm cold!
Come make me warm again.
Ferris, I'm freezing.
I'm ready for you.
Ferris, if you don't get
out here in three seconds,
I'm going to freeze to death!
I said I was ready for you, Ferris.
Ferris?
One night only.
Sigma Phi house. Be there.
Hey, come to the haunted house.
Be really scary.
One night only.
It's scary. Come to the
haunted house tonight.
Scare your friends.
Sigma Phi's haunted house. Be there.
Come two, come
all to the haunted house!
We got free admission,
we got free parking.
Only five dollars!
Man, Hanks, I'm really pumped.
This will be enough to cover
that bill for Nationals.
Here you go.
Welcome to the House of Horror.
We'll see you there.
You know, this whole thing
Is just really weird
though, don't you think?
What do you mean?
Well, the whole thing.
This guy comes over
and gives us permission to
use the house, the keys.
It's all so easy.
Man, look at it this way.
You're some poor slob
bum, laying in the gutter.
You got that drool coming outta your mouth
and some lady gives
you a five dollar bill.
You'll be the type of person
to send her a thank you note!
Yeah. You always have a way
of putting things in
the proper perspective.
I tell you something
that's weird, though.
Joanne and Ferris never came
back from the lake last night.
They didn't?
No. They went skinny dipping.
Maybe they weren't skinny enough.
Man, you know how those two are.
They're like rabbits.
Hey, where'd Mel sleep?
Oh, she slept by Bentley.
But don't worry about it,
they didn't do anything.
I kept my eyeball on 'em.
Good.
I see a couple of things
I need to attend to, Junior.
We'll see you later.
Alright.
Hey, the house looks great.
Yeah, thanks for your help.
Are you mad at me?
Why? Should I be?
I don't know. You seem like
you don't wanna talk to me.
Well, I thought I was giving
you the space you wanted.
Why don't you go talk to Bentley?
Well, maybe I'll just do more than talk.
What would it cost to take
a cab from New York City
to Los Angeles?
Joe?
$5,000?
Is it 5,000,
500 or 55,000? Julie?
From here to New York?
5,000.
5,000. John, what do you think?
5,000.
At current rates,
a cross country cab fare
would be more like 5,000.
Julie gets to
spin, John gets four,
Julie gets three.
So how are you and Mel getting along?
What position
do you play in baseball?
Hey, I don't even wanna get into
this whole thing with you, Kurt.
Well, you're right in the middle of it.
Like it or not.
Kurt, no offense, but she
told me the whole story.
You don't pay enough attention to her.
You listen to me, you little bastard.
She's confused and she just
needs some room to think.
So why don't you just back off?
You're right. You're absolutely right.
I wasn't gonna do anything.
But now?
Now, I think I'll bone her.
Man. You're not even worth it.
Well, you didn't buzz in,
you didn't get an answer in there.
How many?
Three.
Yeah.
Comfy?
About the stowaways.
Oh, ah,
I didn't even know they're back there.
Five.
That's a lot of money, isn't it?
But you're gonna see some things tonight
you have never, ever seen.
Hey, Hanks, how we doing?
Unbelievable, man.
We should have a haunted house every week.
Excellent, Hanks, keep it up.
Keeping it up is no problem.
Is this gonna be one
of them really scary,
scary haunted houses?
Yes. Yes it is.
It better be.
Welcome to Hauntedween!
Chills, thrills and kills
are on tonight's agenda.
Yo. So how are things going?
Man, I have never seen more girlies
In one place in my life,
but I wanna be inside on
the wall of hands, man.
Hey, dudes. Three girls.
Stand against the wall.
Code red, code red.
Doctor Slasher, please return to ER.
Doctor, I'm dying over here!
Screaming again!
Screaming makes me tense
and I lose my patience!
Anybody need a wart burned off?
So I make a few mistakes,
it's a medical practice!
Code
blue! Doctor Slasher,
please report to CCU!
Next?
I've got to go to the bathroom.
Can you guys handle the next group?
Sure, we'll handle them.
Cute. Real cute.
Ladies? Care to join us?
Decisions, decisions!
Sit and spin!
How's your boyfriend?
What about you?
You ready to get down?
- Yeah.
You gonna come down? Shut up!
You ready to come out?
You ready to come out?
A little close there, huh, buddy?
Close there, huh?
Hey, are you about ready for a beer?
That'd be great.
Get me one too.
Cool. I'll be right back.
The shit we go through for these guys.
Listen! Man, this thing
Is really going great!
Hell yeah, man! Bet you we've
made enough money already.
Beautiful.
Well, thank you brother. Nice mask.
You know, this haunted
house stuff is hard work.
That it is.
Look, this isn't very private.
I think everyone's got this under control.
Why don't we slip outside?
Okay.
My van's parked out back.
Meet me there. 10 minutes.
What am I doing?
How do we get out of here?
Hey, look, there's more.
This is awesome!
Look at that.
This is awesome.
Man, it looks so real.
Would you help us!?
This isn't part of the
house! This guy is a killer!
This is for real!
She's a good actress.
She can really act.
She is good.
It looks so real.
Oh, God! No!
Don't you people get this?
This isn't fake!
Please, don't let him kill me!
Batter up, dude!
Strike one!
Strike two!
Take his head off!
Welcome.
Maybe it's time we go through.
Sounds like too much fun.
That was good.
That was the scariest
haunted house I've ever seen.
Yeah, that kill room. God,
that was really scary. Woo.
That gave me a mild cardial infarction.
What the hell?
Ah!
Wow, I found this cool mask in the house.
Man, you scared the shit outta me!
Hey, aren't you supposed
to be at the house?
I'm taking a little break.
Mel's coming out to join me.
Mel!
You and Mel got something going?
Not with you around! Dickhead.
Get outta here.
Well, okay, but you owe
me a good story later.
Asshole.
Jack, I gotta go. I'll see you later.
You don't wanna see
the rest of the house?
I've got to take care of something.
Excuse me, pardon me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Mel, wait a minute. I want to talk to you.
I didn't think we had
anything to talk about.
Look, I've been trying to
give you the space you wanted.
And I appreciate that. And
I figured some things out.
Me too. I love you.
You mean it?
I do. I really do.
Sally was right. She
told me you'd chase me.
I just didn't know
how much you meant to me
until I thought I'd lost you.
Kurt. you never lost me.
You had me the whole time.
You just didn't know it.
Whoo!
This being my idea and all,
I should at least get to see the mama.
Hang him! Let him hang! Yeah!
Who are you? What are you doing?
Bastard!
Slice her!
Yeah, come on, slice her up!
No!
No!
Son of a bitch!
It sounds like a commotion up there.
I don't know, let's go see.
- Stop.
- Stand against the wall.
Hang him! Let him hang! Yeah!
Stop him!
Stop him! He's killing us! This is real!
You bastard! You prick!
Help us!
Please, please help us.
No! This isn't part of the house!
Oh my God, he's really killing them!
Jack, get him outta here.
Billy, are you okay?
Hey, look, everybody,
there's another room! Come on!
Get out! Everybody, get out!
Mel, you all right? Mel?
God, Hanks, you okay?
I got him.
I cooked him like one of
mama's home cooked biscuits.
Son of a bitch!
You are gonna be fine, Mel.
I love you, Kurt.
I know, I know.
He killed them! They're dead!
My God, he's still alive!
Bastard.
You're gonna be fine, Mel.
In a haunted house, on a Hauntedween
It's the biggest
party you've ever seen
Gonna raise some hell,
gonna lose control
We're just dying to start the show
We're just dying to start the show
In a haunted house, on a Hauntedween
Let us wait to hear you scream
He's well rehearsed, he likes his role
Someone's dying to start the show
Someone's dying to start the show
In a haunted house, on a Hauntedween
It's the biggest
party that's ever been
It's time for rocking heads to roll
We're just dying to start the show
We're all just dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show
Somebody's dying to start the show