Head of the Family (1996) Movie Script

Now you got
to understand Billy boy better
play nice with the merchandise.
You tell him I'm going to weigh
it on my own fucking scale.
You short me again, I'm
going to break his other arm.
Sure, Howard,
yeah, I'll tell him.
And you fuck up Weasel, I'm
going to break your arm, too.
Howie, I know.
All right.
Now go on and get out of here.
Oh, Susie sometimes I feel
like a big old turd
in a small toilet.
Never makes you happy, honey.
And you, go easy on
that ice cream, huh.
You're starting to get all
poochy around the middle.
Geez Louise Howard,
it's fucking ass milk.
Yeah, well it come out of
a cow and it make you fat.
Give a shit what you call it.
Hey, here comes the Stackpools.
Hello Rey, Rey.
Fill that out for the
Stackpools, will you.
How are you doing, Ernestina?
You all go with Rey,
he'll take care of you.
See you around, Ernestina.
That is without question the
most fuckable young lady I ever
seen outside a magazine.
Hell, don't bother me,
she's a retard.
Well, the way I hear it,
the only way
to get Ernestina is go
to her brother Otis.
You don't think I'd
take on the big dummy?
Oh, hell no.
I just want to be
around when you do it.
Yeah, I will.
Already got me a
sweet little chicken
and you know how I feel
about-- what's that word?
No, watch your
mouth, the other one
where you don't be
sleeping around?
Yeah, that's it.
Like on the high fi's--
high fidelity, yeah,
that's what I go for.
What a man with a brain,
pardon moi Howard but I'm going
to go to the ladies room.
And why don't you just talk
up, let everybody know about it.
You see what I got
to put up with.
[ Noise ]
Susie, watch the register.
I got to get some fries
from the basement.
But we got plenty--
Susie, don't mind
the inventory,
just watch the register.
[ Noise ]
Dammit, we ain't got
no time for foreplay.
Smart woman.
See you soon,
Ernestina, one day, cupcake.
Say it, baby, say it.
Call me Scarlet.
Say it Scarlet.
You're 10 times
the man Howard is.
Howard's got a little
dick, you're the real man.
He can't satisfy me.
Oh, Howard's a pussy.
Yeah. Then why the hell
did you married him, Lorretta?
Scarlet, why did
you do it, huh?
He's a wasn't he?
All right, well, now
I'm baby.
Ride your little baby lance.
I've never known
a woman who takes
so damn much time in the toilet.
I swear that woman's got a
bladder the size of acorn.
[ Noise ]
Oh, Lorretta, come on.
Hey, Lorretta, you down there?
Shit, Howard's coming.
Oh, so am I.
Lorretta, you in there?
[ Noise ]
Lorretta, you down here or what?
Hey, Lorretta you down here?
Yeah, Howard
she's in the employee bathroom
right in there.
Lorretta, are you in there?
What do you want?
What do you doing in there?
Toilet in the
ladies room is busted,
what do you think I'm doing?
Well, whatever you're doing,
hurry it up, we got to go.
Okay, I'm out,
you're happy now?
Yeah, just fucking overjoyed.
Come on.
Lance, Lance,
Howard has to see you.
Has to see you.
Well, what exactly
did he say?
He said, "Go get
Lance, bring him over here
and move your poochy buns."
Did he seem upset?
I can't say that he did
but then he never does.
Oh, shoot.
Lance, it ain't that part
at the back of the restaurant,
not much of a headstart
if you get my drift.
Okay, Lorretta, okay.
We'll just play it cool.
Cool, right, cucumber.
Compress the bolt string
while holding the front
and flush.
Fuck off, friggin' bolt strings.
Well, Lance in the pants,
Lance, and look at this thing.
Try to save some money,
it's a fucking waste
of man's time buying
the thing in pieces.
You have to assemble it
yourself, save a couple.
Shit. Well, sit your ass down.
Right, sure, Howard.
Lance, you know what
I've been thinking.
Well, I know Howard.
Lorretta, what you
doing standing there?
You serving tables around here?
No, I just wanted to--
Wanted to do the park your
mushy old butt down there next
to Lancy so you got no
cooties, have you Lance?
No, not that I think.
Lance, I'm going to
make this short and sweet.
Kind of like Lorretta
here except she ain't
so sure, really.
Okay, now Howard, I don't
know what you've been hearing.
About what?
You don't know what I've
been hearing about nothing?
What the hell are
you talking about?
Not-- I mean, shit, Howard.
You know, I don't have a clue on
what the hell I'm talking about.
And you know what I think,
you need to take it easy.
You're looking poorly,
ain't that right, Lorretta?
Yeah, looks like
he's got the flu.
Flu? What the fucking
flu got to do with it, huh?
You need to get yourself
out of here.
Go get yourself laid
once in a blue moon.
Hell, you got no
natural charm but--
shit, even a little
shrimp with that ratty,
old beard like yours can at
least pay for it once in awhile.
And that's where I come in.
I'm sorry, what?
That's what I want
to talk to you about.
And how much you
make in this place?
Say in a week or something?
Well, I don't know,
it kind of depends.
I figure about--
A grand a week?
Huh, no, I don't
have that much.
I bet you want to know why.
Because you spread
yourself too thin.
That's why you're all pale and
kind of sickly-ugly-looking.
But here I am, I'm going
to save your skinny ass.
Oh, gee, Howard, actually--
Oh Lancy pantsy, what you
need is partner, you know.
Someone to kind of ease
a strain and I look
into diversify, you
know what I mean?
It means--
It means that I
share the burden,
I'll be your partner,
shared share alike.
You know, I guess you
still have to be doing most
of the day to day stuff.
Well sure, I mean
I've been partner
up with businesses
all over town.
I did jewelry down
to hardware store,
Ben Buffle's Wash-O-Rama.
I'm becoming a regular--
what's that word?
Shake-down artist?
Oh, Lorretta, if I didn't
love that big old behind
of yours so much, I'd pack you
on your worst fucking nightmare.
Entrepreneur is the
fucking word, entrepreneur.
So now I'm going to come
here and bring my talents
to bear right here
chopping stuff
and how is that for good news?
Actually, Howard--
No, no, no need to
thank me, it's my pleasure,
and don't worry about
no paper work either.
Whenever you get it done,
we just back date it
to right now.
I see, just little--
what that word?
No, persistence-- I tell
you something Lorretta,
you going to need serious
attitude adjustment.
Sometime I envy the
single white boy.
On the house, partner.
What you waiting on?
Fucking invitation from
the Queen of England?
More like the
Duke of the Dumb.
Come on chubby cheeks.
What are you looking at?
A grave waiting to be filled.
No, I don't know what
you're talking about.
I'm talking about
somebody plowing some Oates,
Lorretta Oates to be precise.
Susie, I'm a big boy.
Oh, you're a big boy, Lance.
Only Howard Oates is
even a bigger boy.
He finds out about
you and Lorretta,
he is going to put a loop up
around your neck and drag you up
and down Main Street
on his Harley.
Now if you want to keep
your head on your shoulders,
you had better start using it.
I can't do that,
I can't let her go.
It's a grand passion,
that's what it is.
Being with her, shoot, is
like fucking a firecracker.
[Inaudible Remark]
Howard's beating
up some guys.
He should be gone
till around midnight.
Yeah. Keep dancing
Scarlet, keep dancing.
Oh, it's a problem all
right, it's a problem.
See what the problem is,
just hang around up back
to trailer park, wait 'till
he walks by, [inaudible].
Well, it ain't the
doing it that's hard,
it's getting away with it.
Now, no matter how you cut
it or slice it, Howard turns
up with a bullet,
somebody's going
to be looking in our direction.
Lance, you're
too smart as all.
God make things complicated,
everybody hates him
and everybody give a
charity if he turned
up dead, so just do it.
You know, if you don't, one day
he's going to do it to the both
of us and that's a
God fearing fact.
Yeah, I know, I
know its-- holy shit.
What the hell?
You must took a wrong turn.
Honey, there ain't no
turns off this highway.
Would you look at this?
Some sort of fence or something.
Somebody dragged this across
the road, that's what it is.
It's goddamn stupid of them.
Oh, this is some kind
of weird bullshit.
That's the road to
Stackpool place,
I'm going to go check it out.
You wait in the car?
Lance, you be careful now.
Careful is my
credo, wait in the car.
[ Noise ]
Loretta, we got to go.
Go and leave that
there like that, honey?
Somebody making an accident.
I think somebody
already has candy lips.
[ Noise ]
What was it, Lance?
What did you see back there?
I saw the light,
honey, I saw the light.
What the heck?
Don't worry, young man.
I've done this before.
Many times, Otis.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, no.
[ Noise ]
Snow, snow, snow,
snow, snow, snow, snow--
[ Noise ]
[ Inaudible Discussion ]
Where in the same
hill have you been?
I ain't seen you since
the day before yesterday.
Not to worry, Susie, my dear.
Oh, we're in my back side me
and Rey had been
running this place alone.
Shoot Lance, I thought
somebody was sprinkling lime
on what was left of you.
Well, I just had a little
business to attend to out
of town, a very important
It's going to make
all the difference.
Every thing is going
to be peaches
and cream from here on out.
Perfect timing, see, that's
exactly what I was looking for.
Lance, don't you mess
with them Stackpools.
Mess with them?
I ain't go mess with
them, honey.
It's business.
Well, hey there Wheeler,
Otis, and Ernestina.
Look, I was wondering
if I could--
I was wondering if I could
talk to you for just a second,
so hold on right there.
All right, that's fine, you want
to act like a bunch of retards,
go ahead but I know what
you're up to, did you hear me?
I know about that
[inaudible] you guys set
up across the road and, oh,
Otis, man, I know what you did
to that truck hunk of love.
Unless you want me to go to the
law, well, I suggest you talk
to me 'cause, well, you go and
talk to me sooner or later.
All right, you want to
play rough the way you do
with hunk of love.
Well, I wouldn't do that if I
were you unless you want to go
to jail, you move it, get up.
All right now,
what are you going to have
to talk to me sooner or
later, book on that, freaks.
[ Noise ]
Oh, shit,
watch the PJs, big gorilla.
You come now.
All right, that's
what I had in mind,
just let me get some shoes.
All right, all right.
If you fight, Otis hits
you, you yell, Otis hits you.
I think I got the
game plan here, Otis.
All right, all right.
Well, we're all here,
nice and cozy.
Holy shit, them some
big eyes, brother.
You've met
my brothers and my sister,
Mr. Bogen I don't
believe we've ever met.
Well, I kind of figured it
out and remembered if we had.
No doubt.
My name is Myron Stackpool.
I'm the part of the expression,
the head of the family.
As you have perhaps noted,
we Stackpools all have
our peculiarities.
We're quadruplets, you know,
all born from the same egg.
Theoretically, we should
be identical but well,
strange things do happen.
No, shit.
Do you know what you're
looking at Mr. Bogen?
Escapees from a freak show?
You're looking at a
unique biological phenomenon,
forged and medically linked
beings each endowed with a share
of normal abilities and, hence,
to almost supernatural
Otis, many times stronger
than any normal man,
Wheeler with eye sharper than
an eagle's, ears like a fox,
nose like a hound dog.
Ernestina, well, I
hardly need tell you
about her special
powers, as for me, well--
Yes, so you're the smart one.
Yes, I should say so.
I'm the brains of the
family, we're linked,
you know, telepathically.
I can't leave this chair but I
could see through Wheeler's eyes
and force my will with
Otis's hands and well,
I need not tell you about
my uses for Ernestina.
One brain controlling
four bodies.
Well, then Myron, I
guess you are the one I need
to be talking to.
By all means, talk.
Now, let's just
say for conversation
that somebody happened to see a
strange old road block a couple
of nights ago and this
fellow here happened
to see Otis here
dragging some poor fellow
out of his pick-up
truck bringing him
into this house while
Ernestina there she drove
that truck around back.
You still got some pretty
deep swamp land back there,
don't you?
Indeed we do.
Nice place to hide
a vehicle, or vehicles.
Now, for conversation,
let's just say
that this fellow happened to see
the license plate of that truck,
a license plate that
read, hunk of love?
Such a fellow might be
inclined to go to the police.
He might, he may and
then again, he may not.
You see this fellow, he's
got himself a whole world
of problems, one major
problem, one big dumb biker
of a problem named Howard
Oates, you know him?
He's the boy that
drives the Harley.
Yeah, that's the one.
Man, far as I'm concerned,
he can drive
that Harley right off the edge
of the earth wouldn't
trouble me none.
Well, why should
we help this fellow
when after all we have him?
No, Myron, its awful silly
for a big old brain like you
to play stupid, it's
not too convincing.
Now, suppose this fellow, now--
well, he ain't as smart as some
but he is smart enough to say,
write down everything he saw
that night and put
it in a letter
and then he drive somewhere and
he finds himself a phonebook
and he gets himself a
lawyer, random like.
And he gives that letter to
the lawyer and he says, "Now,
I'm going to call you ever
so often on a schedule act
and I'm going to stop by all by
myself and if and I don't call
or if I don't stop by or well,
if I turn up dead or missing,
well, you just shoot
that letter on over
to the state's attorney's
let him get to work on it.
Would you like to know what
happened to that gentleman
with the amusing license plate?
There's an intercom
over there.
Go on over and press the third
button, it will connect you
to our surgical annex.
Over here?
Who is down there?
Don't tell me, I've
picked your curiosity?
[ Noise ]
Not surprisingly, Mr. Bogen.
I have an abiding
interest in the human brain
and the relationship of
the brain to the body.
Do you know that
some people are born,
live their whole normal lives
and die with only half a brain?
Hell, I met more
in my [inaudible].
I want a human body, a
normal human body but one
that can encompass my
superior intelligence.
I detest having to live a life
through proxy, through the limbs
and senses of these creatures.
And so I experiment.
If half a brain can do
the work of a whole one,
perhaps a whole human brain can
hold an intellect equivalent
to my own.
So more power to you.
And you weren't
at all concerned
about my subjects
down in the basement?
Is there anything
I can do for them?
Nothing comes to mind.
I keep them alive for
future experiments
and for their occasional
entertainment value.
Yeah, well, they got
their problems and I got mine
and you got yours
and right now, Myron,
I'm the problem you
got to worry about.
Like you say you're
a very clever fellow.
You want me to stay quiet, I
can see, 'cause I got a feeling,
you got a whole fleet of cars
in that swamp back there.
You don't want guys
who have guns
and badges snooping
around this house.
Now, you want to keep doing
whatever it is you're doing.
And Myron, you made them
folks downstairs go away.
I want you to do the same thing
for Howard Oates,
you make him go away.
Otherwise, you go
and find yourself
in a whole world of hurt.
Now, do we have a deal?
[ Noise ]
Talk dirty to me,
honey, talk dirty.
Ain't no time to talk dirty.
Now listen up, tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night.
Howard's going
to be out of town.
Out of town.
You get yourself an alibi.
A what?
An alibi, you know, will see
a friend, go to a beauty parlor,
whatever you got to do
to have people see you.
Now, you got that?
Oh, an alibi?
You do as I say now.
Oh, you going to do
it, you going to do it.
I'm going to do
it now and ain't--
nobody going to point
finger at us.
He's going to be dead?
He is going to be
dead, deader than dead,
deader than a dog
in a garbage dump.
Oh, you're my
knight in shining armor.
Well, well,
fancy meeting you
here, cupcake. [laughs]
Oh no, don't be shy.
Come on, give old
Howard a little kiss now.
[ Noise ]
Shop and Stop,
Lance Bogen here.
Done, Mr. Bogen.
Been a pleasure
doing business with you.
[ Noise ]
Oh, Lance it's me.
Holy shit, Lorretta,
what are you doing here?
Did you do it, is he gone?
Oh, Lorretta you got
to stick with the plan.
Howard turns up missing, you
don't want people hooking us up.
Then you did it,
you really did it?
It's done, baby.
You won't be seeing
Howard no more.
Tell me, tell
me, how'd you do it?
Had it done, angel cake,
man has got his act together,
he don't do it, he has it done.
You hired a hit man?
No. Had some a
whole lot better.
Well, I'd say for two.
Honey, I got the
Stackpools working for me.
Go on.
Yeah, I got me a little
look at some real sweet.
You know that night we
saw that road block?
Well, that little luck
and some sharp thinking
by yours truly is all it took.
So you got something
on the Stackpools?
Oh yeah, I got
'em by the short.
I got 'em by the short
whatever the hell they got.
And they took care of Howard?
Yeah, just like that.
I said, "You take care of
Howard Oates," and they did it
and that ain't all, that's
just the first installment.
What do you mean?
Well, honey, them Stackpools
is loaded with the green stuff.
I checked it out.
They got all them real goods,
they got like oil and gas, coal,
you know, all that
flammable shit, real money.
And you go and get it?
Ah-huh honey,
that's we're going
to get it if you play it smart.
That means you can't be
hanging around here, see?
You can't be acting
like Howard's dead before
somebody even tells you
that he's missing.
Now you got to play cool, baby.
Oh, it sound too hot to play
it cool, you got to do me, baby,
fuck your little Scarlet.
All right, take
your panties off.
And Howard's gone for
good, what'd they do to him?
Will they make him suffer?
Oh, I'm sure they
will, I'm sure they will.
[ Inaudible Remark ]
Two, two, two--
Sure, I didn't think
I'd hand that letter
over to you, did you, Myron?
Hardly is right, why I do
that to kill me deader
than stale cheese.
We both know that.
Now I know what's floating
around that big old head
of yours, whatever
I do or don't do,
I'm a permanent burr
up your butt.
I see I can't keep any
secrets from you, Mr. Bogen.
Well, it ain't no secret,
man, it's just common sense.
So, let you do what you do,
just letting you stay around
and keeping my mouth shut,
that's a prize to me, a risk.
I figure, man takes a risk but
he ought to get paid for it,
seems reasonable to me.
But I'm sure you also realize
that it's a calculated risk.
You press too hard and you
make it worth it for me
to employ desperate measures.
What? You mean like drag me
down in that basement playroom
of yours and snipping off pieces
of me till I tell
you who my lawyer is?
Maybe, make me call up my
lawyer, have him deliver
that letter in person.
I wouldn't do that
if I was you, Myron.
I see, you've
thought it all out.
Uh-hmm, see if old Wheeler
here, his nose is as good
as you say it is why he
probably sniff these on me
when I first came in.
So that matched this
against Otis's muscle any day
of the week or against your
big old brain for that matter.
Now, ain't going to be no
torturing tonight, Myron.
Pity and what exactly is
that you would expect
from me, Mr. Bogen?
Call me Lance,
Myron, not to worry now.
I thought this whole thing out.
Now, I'm not going
to bleed you dry.
Now Mom always said only a
dumb slaughters the milking cow
and I'm not going to slaughter
you, no, I'm just going
to scoop off a little cream.
Say about 2,000 a week.
Oh, now, don't got acting like
that some hardship, Myron.
I know you got cabbage to spare.
Go on over to the
right dresser drawer.
Myron, Otis,
Wheeler, Ernestina,
it's been a pleasure doing
business with you all.
See you next week for
another payment and don't get
up Myron, I'll show myself out.
you follow that greasy,
white trash hookster.
We'll watch, listen to him,
smell him and when he sleeps,
we'll catch him all right,
we'll catch the little fox
and I'll cut that grin
right off his face.
So Loretta, any
word from Howard.
No, and it's been
almost a week.
A week, oh, that's terrible.
Feels almost like forever.
Did you call the police?
Of course, I did, just
like-- I mean, of course,
I did but it's like he just
fell off the face of the earth.
Fancy that, [inaudible]
so big and all.
Well, he did have a way of
creating bad feelings in people.
What'd the police say?
What did they say?
Well, I didn't get
the impression
that locating Howard was likely
to be a high priority
for the boys in blue.
Let me see if I can recall
sergeant's exact words.
It was like, "If you all
want to find that no-good,
trouble-making, red-neck
husband of yours,
you best buy yourself a shovel."
Well, that was damn
insensitive of him.
I should say so.
I imagine you've-- well,
you've about giving up hope
of ever seeing your
husband again.
Well, foul play the
permanent bride, he does seem
to be the generally
held opinion.
Of course our marriage
was troubled. [coughing]
I hadn't realize that.
Yes, of course.
Well, we didn't talk about
it much but with what
with him being a gangster
and drug seller and murderer
and all, well, it didn't make
normal life a bit difficult.
I expect it would.
Still, I suppose it does get
a bit lonely without him.
Lonely, yes, more than
you could ever imagine.
Well, Lorretta, I hope you
don't take this the wrong way
but, well, if you're still
lonely, I'd be happy to--
I don't know, how about
dinner and a movie.
How about dinner and
let's skip the movie.
How about we skip
dinner, too.
You know you fill
me up better
than any old stake and potatoes.
Yeah, sweet cake, you're the
only hot fudge sundae I want
to dip my spoon into.
[ Laughter ]
That damn thing is still
fucking down in there.
I'm trying.
Here we go right
there, hold on moi, sing.
Oh, honey bunny, I like that.
Oh, you better get used to
it sweetie because there's going
to be a lot more of that
where that come from courtesy
of Mr. Big Brains Stackpool.
What's an esquire honey?
An esquire is somebody gives
you a shit car full of money.
[Laughter] Oh, really
sorry about that.
Keep on talking,
you little con man.
Every stupid words are
deposited in the pain bank.
You just wait, pretty soon
you'll be making a withdrawal.
You and that powder
puff whore of yours.
Susie, how would you
like to run this place?
Oh, you mean more
than I do now?
I know, I know,
I ain't exactly been
around to much lately but I
got bigger things into works.
Uh hmm.
Now, why you always got
to be such a sour puss.
I'm trying to make you an offer.
You take over the Shop and Stop,
you can hire whoever you want
and I'll give you 50 percent
share because I'm a nice guy.
I'll be like one of
them whatchamacall
as a silent partners.
Oh, now that'll be the day,
Susie, scales have
been lifted from my eyes.
I've seen a bigger better world,
a world beyond deep fryers
and canned goods and I can
reach out there and grab it.
That is if I play
my cards right.
Lance, you try walking
around on a Big Ben shoes,
you are just going to
fall flat on your face.
[Laughs] I am fitting no
shoes, and as a matter of fact,
they're getting too tight.
Yeah, well, everything that's
been going on around here,
I feel I get a bit tight myself.
You hush now.
You think about 'em off.
Clean this stuff up, I got to
make an important phone call.
Arthur Roscow, please.
This is client, Lance Bogen.
One moment, Mr. Bogen.
Arthur Raskow here.
Mr. Raskow this is Lance
Bogen calling in on schedule.
Yes, Mr. Bogen, can you
please tell me the name
of your mama's dog when
you were a young man.
My mama's dog
is Elvis P. Resley.
Elvis P. Resley,
that's correct.
Thank you very much, Mr. Bogen.
And thank you, Mr. Raskow.
Elvis P. Resley.
[ Laughter ]
Two tickets to
Raleigh, round trip.
That will be 88.60.
Pretty girl.
Well, I'm sorry but Mr.
Raskow doesn't see anybody
without an appointment and
he doesn't see just anybody.
Just what the hell are you doing,
breaking into my
office like this.
Arthur Raskow?
Yeah, that's correct.
Mr. Bogen's letter, get it.
[Laughs] I don't know
what you're talking-- hey.
Last one, Mr.
Bogen's letter, get it.
Okay, the safe.
It's in the safe, I'll get
it, I'll get it, I'll get it.
[ Noise ]
Okay, all right.
There-- you have
it, you have that.
I don't even know what's in it.
Holy shit, what are you?
That's it, there ain't none.
Oh, God, oh, please,
please, God.
I swear, please, please,
there ain't no copies.
I ain't got no--
oh, please, please.
That's three, copies.
How can I make
you believe me?
[ Noise ]
Lance baby?
Yeah, honey.
I got to be-- I
got to be honest.
Sure, honey.
I'm getting-- I'm
getting a bit frustrated.
Well, Scarlet, I'm
doing the best that I can.
Not about that, I
mean about doing it
down here at the cream corn.
I mean what's the-- what's the
point of murdering your husband
if you can't fuck in a bit.
Do you hear what I'm saying?
Oh yeah I hear you and
I've been thinking about us.
Yeah, honey, about us.
What's that mean?
What's that mean?
You've been thinking about us?
What's there to think about?
Scarlet, you do
have a suspicious mind.
Come on, come on, we're
losing our rhythm here.
Fine, fine.
Like I said, I've
been thinking.
Yeah, you go ahead
and tell me.
About you and me and--
-- and we'll, where
we're going from here.
And where do you
figure this going to be.
Again, I got to
tell you true.
God knows one
wouldn't know dishonesty.
Hold, now cut that out now.
Cut that out.
And just what is
it that I'm cutting?
I'm trying to tell you true.
You are the only
honey bear for me.
That's right and make all them
other girls like on TV and stuff
that like bunch of
ugly, old sound.
Oh Lance, you mean it.
Sure as shit baby.
From now on, it's Lance and
Loretta till death do us part.
Oh, Lance.
Yeah baby.
I want to you to be
Mrs. Lance Bogen.
That is if you have me.
Oh, Lance, I'll have you.
I'll hold you up, do you?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Let me see it, let
me see it honey.
The ring, the ring, the
ring, show me the ring.
Oh, yeah, I don't
actually have.
You didn't get a ring?
Yeah, huh.
Oh, shit Lance, you
surely don't know how
to do romanticize a thing.
Oh, now Scarlet.
Don't be like that now.
I thought about it, you
know, and well, I didn't want
to buy you some ring, you
know, that you wouldn't
like then you'll be stuck
with it the rest of your life.
Now, see this way I thought
that we go together, you know,
to get something you like.
Well, geez Louise Lance
that sure was practical of you.
Oh no, come on honey,
don't be like this.
You see that right there, huh?
You see that?
Go ahead, you hit me right
there, just go ahead, come on.
Hit me right there.
Oh, God, all right,
you feel better?
I'm forgiven?
Oh honey, you could tell
who [inaudible]. [laughs]
Lance, Lance.
Yes, Suz?
You're wanted on the phone.
And I'll be there in a sec.
All play and no work makes
Lance Bogen a poor boy,
and I got a deal to support my
Scarlet in a way that she is
yet to become accustomed to.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Lance Bogen.
You'll be receiving a
delivery tonight, be alone.
Wait, hold on.
What now, listen sweet puss,
we got to have a little
trust now, don't we?
Yeah. I just want to keep
you safe, that's all.
All right, will you just hunker
down in that bed of yours
and think about old Lance.
Tomorrow is fine honey,
juts keep yourself warm.
I got to go.
Oh, business calls.
Well, Ernestina,
fancy seeing you here
or should I call you Myron.
Special delivery,
how decent of you.
You dropped your purse.
Oh, well--
Oh baby whatever you
got there [inaudible].
Oh, yeah, oh.
Pretty girl. Pretty girl.
What you want here?
Otis want--
Please, please don't hurt me.
Otis-- Otis not
hurt pretty girl.
Otis won't hurt.
Otis will do what he's sent to
do or I'll cut that pee brain
of yours right out
of your skull.
[ Silence ]
Elvis P. Resley.
You found Raskow.
[Inaudible] over
hear the phone call?
Uh-hmm, from the
area outside.
Oh, he does have good ears.
So now you got the letter.
The letter is gone,
Mr Raskow is gone.
You on the other hand,
Mr. Bogen are going to be
around for quite sometime.
I'm not normally a
vindictive person
but in your case I'm going
to make an exception,
but don't you worry, you won't
have to go through it alone.
Lance, what-- Oh, God.
Oh my God.
Don't you worry sugar bear,
every thing's going
to be just fine.
Your bogus optimism not
withstanding Mrs. Oates a little
worry wouldn't be
totally out of keeping
with your current situation.
Oh my God, it talks.
Oh yes, it talks and pretty
soon you're both going to find
out what else it does.
I think it would be
appropriate to start
with your little honey
cake, Lance, sweetie,
whatever else you call her.
I don't think so.
You don't.
Uh-uh Myron, you see
you made one mistake.
And what's that
Mr. Upside-down Bogen?
The problem is
you so smart and all,
you automatically think
everybody else is a dope.
If I believe it, it's
because experience has shown it
to be true.
You underestimate
people like me.
Mr. Bogen, it is
impossible to imagine
that I could underestimate you.
See there now,
you're doing it again.
So, you got Raskow,
what do you think?
I just lay everything out
for him and not figure
that you'd find him eventually?
I have to admit it.
You're fast on your on your feet
but whatever little story you're
going to spin, it isn't going
to get you or the
pneumatic Mrs. Oates
out of this particular kegel.
Pretty girl.
Quiet! Go on, Mr. Bogen.
Well, suppose there
was another lawyer
and he got another letter
and he was giving a couple
of telephone numbers and
he was told that well,
if Arthur Raskow turns
up dead or missing, well,
you give those numbers a call.
You don't hear anything in a
couple a days then you take
that letter on over
to the state attorney.
No Myron, you and me, we're
on the dance floor for life.
Oh, come on, Myron, don't be
like that just turn me loose.
I'll forget this all happened.
Call that a love spat.
I'm afraid I can't
do that Mr. Bogen.
This is a matter
of personal pride.
High pride carries
a high price, Myron.
You don't want to cut off
your nose despite your face
especially with a big
old face like yours.
Nevertheless, there is
an alternative, Mr. Bogen,
not to less painful
but in fact more so.
Cast your mind back over
your amusing little monolog.
There is, I fear, a slight
problem in your full-proof plan.
I'm listening.
Oh good, for a minute there
I thought I was boring you.
And you my dear, are
you following all this?
I want to go home.
Well, we all want
many things.
We're going to see
if we can find
out exactly what the
second lawyer's name is,
a sort of like a guessing
game only with torture.
Well, you got to
do what you got to do.
No, I'm going to
do what I wish to do.
You could avoid the painful
inconvenience for you
and you're little tot.
And as I said before, I
think it's only appropriate
that she go first.
What is the name of
the second lawyer?
Well, now, look who's
calling, who's stupid.
No matter what I say and don't
say, the way I figure it,
things going to turn out
pretty much the same way.
So, I say to you, go
fuck yourself, big brain.
Lance, please.
Sweetheart, you know
how I feel about you
but telling him may
not get out of this.
Our only chance is if
I keep my lip buttoned.
But what about me?
I'm working on that honey.
I love you, honey.
I love you too, angel lips.
Oh, this is truly touching.
I can see Mr. Bogen that you
clearly care about this woman.
I mean may be not as
much as Ernestina.
Oh, Mrs. Oates, I'm
sorry, you don't know
about your Bogen and Ernestina.
They were in a--
how shall I put it,
intimate proximity
earlier this evening.
That was not my fault
angel, that female.
She's got some sort of
uncontrollable sexual power.
I couldn't resist myself.
Oh, tell me another.
I think we've
had enough chitchat.
Get her ready for
the performance.
Wait, wait, wait a second.
I have something to say.
I'm all ears.
I have a confession to make.
Please do so.
I've always been attracted
to really intelligent men.
Do tell.
It's true.
Oh, shut up.
Given your attraction
to Mr. Bogen,
I frankly find it a bit
difficult believing you.
Well, let's face it.
He may not be much but he is
about the best of the crop
in [inaudible], that
is, except for you.
I'm flattered.
Now, don't be like
that, I'm serious.
I'm not just looking
for a physical thing,
not that I mind it but
it is the intellectual
and the spiritual
that attracts me.
I see and I excite
your spiritual desires?
Oh, you give me
all sorts of ideas.
Well, I can tell just
by looking at you
that you're a take-charge
kind of guy, that you're a man
that can get things done.
Lorretta, you're making
a fool out of yourself.
Just shut up.
I know it must be real lonely
being so smart and all.
I know what it's like to be
lonely, not to fit in, honest.
And do you think you
can fill my lonely house?
Oh, I know I can,
I can make you happy.
You can?
Oh, just me a chance.
What about Mr. Bogen?
He betrayed me.
That was physical.
Well, Myron.
I can call Myron, can't I?
Oh, ever since the first
time I ever laid eyes on you,
I said to myself, there's
somebody's special.
You ain't a member of the herd,
he is a man that
goes his own way.
You scared me but a
real man is always scary
to a woman, it's true.
Really, well, Mrs. Oates--
Call me Lorretta.
Very well, Lorretta.
I have to confess it
has been a lonely road.
I mean, I am mostly intellect
but you see I am
a man whose will--
I just want to be
close to you, honey.
No one has ever said
that to me before, oh.
Your not-- your not talking
advantage of me, are you?
Oh, Lorretta this
is revolting.
Shut up.
Well, Myron honey, I
never take advantage.
I'm just-- just-- just
expressing my true feelings.
Enough, and you have
no ulterior motive?
Oh no, no, not at all.
I just want to be yours forever.
Well, Lorretta.
You are without a doubt
extremely entertaining. [laughs]
I can't exactly say what it
is that you do but I can see
that you do it very well.
Unfortunately, I'm just too
busy with my ongoing plans
for world domination
and all to--
to take time out for romance.
No darling, I'm afraid
it'll just have
to be death by torturous plan.
Now, hold on, please,
just give me chance.
I can make you happy.
You're my dream boat, just
let me give you a little hug.
You'll have to
excuse me, Mr. Bogen.
I have preparations to
make for the performance.
[Inaudible] up to a little
cultural activity, Mr. Bogen?
At least I'm right side up.
All right, so what
is this place,
home movie theater or something?
No, it isn't a
home movie theater.
Once in my great
grandfather's time,
a family would enjoy
dramatic presentations here.
Sometimes actors were brought
in for private performances
as if for royalty.
You might be interested
to know that in 1859,
John Wilkes Booth performed
Hamlet on this very stage.
Is that before or
after he shot Lincoln?
Before, you idiot.
He was shot afterward.
Oh, yeah.
I guess that make sense?
No doubt.
Over the years, I have tried
to recapture a tiny fragment
of that long lost grace staging
my own humble theatricals here
on this stage.
Mr. Bogen, are you perhaps
familiar with Joan of Arc?
Joan of Arc.
Does the name strike
a responsive cord?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Ingrid Bergman, right?
She was a nurse or something.
Well, a saint or satanist,
depending on whom you believe.
I find her a fascinating
figure, a saint,
madwoman, warrior, visionary.
[Laughs] Oh, who you have
as the cast, Otis and Wheeler?
Oh, no, no, no.
Their brains of too
deeply submerged to be able
to decently memorize lines.
I suppose I could speak
through them myself
that I should have no doubt
seeing the results are rather
limited and now I turn to
my patients for the cast.
Do you mean those guys
[inaudible] intercom?
Oh, some of them are
perfectly hopeless as actors
of course, the violent ones
or the catatonic ones although
at least they can carry
spears, but you'd be amazed.
Some of their performances
with the proper rehearsal
and motivation can
be quite moving.
Of course, I have recently
suffered a significant setback.
Oh, now, I'm supposed to ask
what your setback is, right?
My lead actress, my Joan
has recently lost the power
of coherent speech.
She just says, "Snow"
over and over again.
I have no idea why.
Maybe she used to
be a weather girl.
No, that's not it.
The point is I have no
Joan but thanks to you,
I now have a unique opportunity.
How so?
By the delightful
Mrs. Oates, of course.
She is going to be my
Joan for a one time only,
never to be forgotten
performance featuring a
climatic, burning at the
stake that will no doubt
from startling in its realism.
You son of a--
Tell me the name
of the second lawyer.
Go to hell.
I hope you do
realize, of course,
that the more you resist,
the happier it makes me.
You're going to torture
me no matter what I tell you.
So you can not only go to hell,
you can go fuck yourself if you,
in fact, have a dick
to fuck yourself with.
Well, I have to admit
you talk a good game.
Now, we are going to see
what you are really made of.
Let the play begin.
attend and hear the tale
of the gallant made of
[inaudible], Gallant Joan chosen
by God, betrayed by man, fly
on wings imaginary to our scene
of justice most tragic.
Witness the burning of an angel
in a market place of Rome.
Bring forth the accused,
the witch of Orleans.
Here, you kneel, wicked girl
before the authority of man
and of God, what speak you.
[Noise] Aww.
Kindly read the
lines, Mrs. Oates.
We are striving for
some fragment
of artistic integrity here.
The lines.
[Noise] Aww.
All right, all right.
Page 1, please.
Oh, man and God
would speak you--
what shall I say to you who
are wrapped in the royal robes
of England, sworn
enemy of France.
Speak simply girl,
thou stand not before man
but before God's
chosen officers.
Answer for the crimes of
heresy and of witchcraft.
Confess them harlot.
Yeah [noise], aaw.
What-- I'm trying
to find my line.
What shall I confess, who have
but followed God's ordin--
ordin off-- ordin in.
[Noise] Aaw.
Of what things do you fear to
tell of your speech with Satan?
Of his tempting of the
covenant of 13 which you led
against your rightful king.
I know no rightful king,
save my own King of
France Charles Vi.
[Noise] Aww-- what?
I am reading it.
Its not Vi, it's V-I-I,
roman numeral VII,
Charles the Seventh.
Lance, this is
all your fault.
[Noise] Aww.
Okay, okay Charles the VII.
And I know nothing
of [inaudible]
or intercourse with Satan.
I do as my God commands.
How do you like it so far?
The retard is doing a better
job acting than Lorretta.
Don't worry, I'm sure
she'll get into that spirit
of it as the drama unfolds.
Enough of thy blasphemies
daughter of Satan.
By the word of the rightful
king, I order thee bound
to the post of repentance.
No, no.
See citizens of Rouen,
behold the price of a witch,
daughter of Satan confess.
I pray thee and save thy soul.
Fuck off.
[Noise] Aww.
Hold it steady half-brain.
Oh, noble sir, I am but a simple
country maid-- oh, geez Louise.
Lance! God damn it, tell
him the name of the lawyer.
I'm sorry honey, that's
my only bargain and chip.
You hang in there honey lips.
Hang in there, hang in there?
I ought to kill you,
you son of a bitch.
Oh, Jimmy fucking
cricket, now what?
Lance! [Noise] Aww.
Country maid, simple
country maid.
My soul is God's and his angels
will welcome me to paradise.
He knows the secrets
of my heart as no man--
hold it steady-- ever shall.
Though flame shall consume
me, my face shall not fail.
Though flame shall consume
me-- holy shit, Lance.
Mr. Bogen, as you can see
we are rapidly approaching the
climax of our little
dramatic tableau,
tell me the name of
the second lawyer.
You ain't no starting
no fire in that stage,
you'll burn your
whole house down.
Your concern for my residence
is touching but don't you worry.
I've taken every precaution
to fireproof the stage.
Then [inaudible] move the
smoke, Helen extinguishes,
will remove the flames
after the play is over.
Nothing will be permanently
with the exception
of Mrs. Oates.
Oh God, Lance,
he ain't kidding.
She is right,
I ain't kidding.
Tell me the name of
the second lawyer.
Tell me the name of
the second layer!
Please, Jesus,
fucking, Christ.
Proceed with the burning.
No, no, wait, wait, wait!
I still have more lines.
That alone, Mrs. Oates,
is sufficient motivation
to proceed.
Mr. Cauchon, your line please.
By the authority of the holy
church, I condemn thee to death
by burning Joan maid of Orleans.
May the devil receive thy soul.
Oh God, oh God,
this is not happening.
This is just not happening!
Myron, goddamn you.
[ Screaming ]
Pretty girl, not hurt.
Not hurt.
[Noise] Pretty girl, not hurt.
Not hurt.
[ Noise ]
No hurt, pretty girl.
My eyes, my eyes.
Lorretta, what going on here?
[ Noise ]
Pretty girl, no burn.
House burn!
[ Noise ]
[inaudible] your
parties like that.
You and [inaudible].
Or what big brain,
you like to thank me?
Yeah, you would, huh?
Big brain, you want to thank me?
Not if you've been
on roller coaster.
Oh, no.
'Cause I am sure
artistic connoisseur
such as yourself will
rather appreciate it.
[ Noise ]
Yup, thanks for
[Inaudible] Myron.
Lorretta! Lorretta!
Lance? Lance Bogen.
What the heck is
going on around here?
Beats the royal
shit out on me, Howard.
I got to go.
Yeah, okay.
See you around.
Lance. Lance.
Save me Lance.
Please, help me.
Oh, Lance is coming.
And don't be playing
hard to get.
[ Noise ]
House burned.
Wasn't that just
great, isn't that perfect.
No Howard, now, no Lance.
Not that I would
have taken him back.
Of course, he did have
ambition, I'll give him that.
Now, what's a girl to do?
Pretty girl.
Yeah, well.
Thanks for everything, Otis.
I'll be seeing you around.
Otis, pretty girl.
Yeah, yeah, you
Tarzan, me, Jane.
I'm sure we just
make a swell couple.
Otis Stackpool, me,
Lorretta Stackpool, you only
survived in the Stackpool heir,
me, controls Stackpool money.
Pretty Lorretta.
Otis, there comes a time
in a girl's life for a romance
and a time for practicality.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
Oh, that's okay honey.
Don't you worry none, your
little sweetie Lorretta is going
to take care of everything.
Do you, Lorretta
Koslowsky Oates take this man
to be your lawfully
wedded husband?
I do.
And do you, Otis
Stackpool, take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Otis, say I do.
I, oh--
Yes. Well,
I now pronounce you man
and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Oh, we'll skip that
part, thanks anyway.
There now Otis, we're married.
That's right.
It's going to be
you and me together.
I'm going to take
good care of you.
I'm going to be real sweet.
That's right.
So you see it all
worked out in the end.
Don't you just love
a happy ending?
[ Laughter ]
Captioned by Grant Brown