Head Office (1985) Movie Script
Home Box Office, Inc. [cars honking] [train whistle blowing] Hi, my name is Pete Helmes. 30 years ago,
I started a small company called INC Bearing and Tool. And with these balls of steel,
I built INC International. Now we produce
over 10,000 products from a 50 megaton
nuclear warhead to a creamier, nuttier
peanut butter and a new quieter
artificial heart. Every day at INC,
we're developing products that will improve your life like Permalax,
an all-new laxative implant that relieves irregularity
for up to 25 years with a one-step implantation. Eh, I had the Permalax implant. Now I'm regular for life. [chuckles] But more important, we care about you. And we care
about our employees. INC is the company
that cares about people. Mr. Helmes wants
Senator Issel's full cooperation when we make
our Latin American move. What'd you get on him? Yes, sir. He's Washington's strongest
supporter of big business. That's his voting record. We contributed $150,000
to his last campaign and laundered it
through our Mexican banks. These are
the cancelled checks. His wife's a heavy boozer. Those are copies
of her liquor store bills. He's having an affair with a
D.C. hooker named Kitten Davis. Those are the Polaroids. He's been bribed
by all the major oil companies. These are
the telephone transcripts and, of course,
the standard men's room shots. Fine. And his son's graduation
is this month. Perfect. [tense synthesizer music] You're leaders.
You're businessmen. You're America's future. They say a Master's Degree
in Business from this school is the golden ticket
to the top positions of industry and finance. But this school can only
provide her graduates with the tools. It's up to you
as individuals to put those tools to work. [whispering]
Where in hell is
the goddamn son of a bitch? (man)
I-I don't know
about this, Dr. Kline. Maybe you shouldn't be
taking that off. I've got a terrible feeling
this is very wrong. My graduation ceremony
starts any second. (Kline)
Don't worry, Jack,
you'll make it. Are you sure this is
okay in your lab? It's a normal,
organic function. I don't know. I mean, it's all the way
across campus. For 72 years, our graduates-- I'm a damned U.S. senator. I've got a damned election
coming up. I've got a damned
reputation to protect. And I'm not going to allow
your damned son to embarrass me like this and tarnish
my damned image. [howling]
(Kline)
Oh, Jack, stay with me. I swear I'll murder him
for this. And the honor roll
of America's industrial history reads much like the honor roll
of this school. Names like Rockefeller-- (Kline)
Jack! Ford-- Jack! Morgan-- [softly]
Jack. Vanderbilt and Mellon-- Stay with me, Jack! And it's up to you,
the class of '85, to carry the torch
of that great tradition into America's
industrial future. [howling]
Oh, Jack, oh! [applause] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you. McDermott, Iona. Martinez, Juan Jorge. I didn't expect this. Neither did I. Low pulse rate, vascular
circulation at a minimum. I just didn't think
it'd be like this when I lost my virginity. This is your first time? I forgot to mention that. Senator. How are you? Uh, Bob Nixon. Senator Issel. [whispering]
Senator. Senator Issel was appointed
Washington's Chairman of the Senate Committee
on Latin American Affairs. What brings INC out here
on a workday, Scott? Recruiting.
Oh. Hudson, John Matthew. I like this
John Hudson kid. Second in class,
good family. How about your boy? Taking any offers? [laughs]
Well, let's just say
Jack's reviewing his options. He knows what's important. He'll land on his feet. So, Jack, what are
you graduating in? Business. Oh, that's nice. So I guess you'll be getting
into business, then. [sighs] Yeah. You know, Jack just might
fit into INC's program. What do you think? Well, I-I think he'd-- Be a terrific asset
to the company. Congratulations. [lively synthesizer music] Whittenborn, Eric Paul, III. Butterworth, Hugh Davidson. Bennett, Michael. Issel, Jack Davidson, Jr. Thank you. [helicopter engine noise] Colonel,
that construction. That's us. That, that. I own all that. There. Those two towers there. This one over here,
this one. 20 years ago,
I came to this town. I had less than $43 million
in my pocket. Now--I own all this. That's America, Colonel. [alarm clock buzzing] [man on radio]
QLN Chicago, it's 7:30 AM. And it's already
82 degrees out there. Ouch!
Get me a cocktail. (Jack)
Jack Issel, Jr., 24-year-old son
of Senator Jack Issel was found in bed
this morning--dead. Police believe the suicide
was the result of Jack Jr.'s fear of getting up
early and going to work for the next 40 years
of his life. (man)
Late at night, I can't wait
to close my eyes. Because there's a chance
you might come into my life. If it's only for a moment, I just can't bear
the thought of you not there. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. I can almost feel you
in my dreams. [beeping] [woman #1 on voicemail]
Jack, this is your mother. Good luck on your first day. Bye, sweetheart. [beeping] (woman #2)
Jack, it's Monica. Do you remember the dress,
you know, that dress? I mean, it's, like, forget it.
It's totaled. [beeping] (man)
Jack, hi, this is
Max Landsberger. I'm in charge
of new recruits at INC. I'll be showing you around
for the first few days. Now, you'll be starting
with Frank Stedman on the 41st floor. I'll meet you
in his office at 9:00. Oh, and congratulations, Jack. You really scored
getting Stedman. slap! He's going right to the top. (Frank)
Sid, it's Frank Stedman. I'm dead! Finished! (Sid)
Just relax. Helmes swore
he wouldn't announce this move until Christmas! It's the goddamn headline
in The Journal! (Sid)
No problem. The SCC's going to want to know why I sold 50,000
Allenville shares the day before we torpedoed
the plant! Frank, can you hold on-- I could go to jail! Can you hold? No, I can't hold! What are you--ha--Sid, Sid! Crap!
Will you get this thing moving? [cars honking] We're stuck
in a traffic jam, sir. I'm not the great Houdini. Well, blow your horn
like everybody else! Only a fool blows his horn
in a traffic jam, sir. [grunting and horn honking] [cars honking] Please, please, please pick up. Come on.
Come on. God, please, Sid, Sid! (Sid)
Frank? Thank God! No, I can't hold, Sid! Wait!
Hello! Sid--crap! I've got to get out. (man)
Hey, hey! (woman)
Get off. [grunts] (Scott)
Hi, Sid, Scott Dantley. Sid, the SCC's really
got us by the balls in the Stedman stock deal. Mr. Helmes wants him
terminated. Uh-huh, wants his desk out,
his chair out, carpet out, parking privileges revoked. Hold on, Sid. [whispers]
Turn it up. Can the stock market
survive a nuclear holocaust? "Yes," says our next guest. And he'll tell us what stocks
to buy and what to sell in the event
of a thermonuclear exchange right after these messages. Listen, Sid, Mr. Helmes
is the company. He doesn't give a flying shit
about Stedman's loyalty, and, uh, he wants him
out by lunch. Look there. Art Grisham. Chairman,
Petradyne International. Oh, God. I love it up here! Dantley! Dantley! Get out! We have most INC management
women with us, Jane. We certainly hope
you're behind us. God, yes,
absolutely, 100%. We have to go in
united as women. Oh, I agree
absolutely. It's women 120%. United we stand. Divided we fall. Frank! Frank, this Latin American
move's really gonna shake things up. You know I'm ripe
for a division head. Just help me
make my move. I can't talk
about that now! Oh, over drinks
tonight, then. A drink, fine.
I'll need one later. Great, how's my place,
8:00? They're going to dump me
over this Allenville stock deal. What are you
talking about? I'm dead!
Finished! Jesus, you're serious. Dead serious. We'll talk tonight
at your place. I might need your help. Damn it--I-I don't know
what's the matter with me. I-I've got racquetball
tonight and tomorrow night--
Racquetball? We'll have to reschedule. Call!
Racquetball? You can count on me! I can count on you? [sighs heavily] No one trusts me, Mike. Oh, Al, trust me.
They trust you. I'm too honest for them. You're not that honest. Everyone thinks
I'm an asshole. No, not everyone. Name one person who hasn't
called me an asshole. Just one!
Stedman. Stedman?
That asshole! Name someone with clout! Al, pull yourself
together. Mike, don't shit me. Don't shit a dead man. You're looking
at an insect husk, a whacked-up,
burned-out body shell-- a dead person! Al, it's only Monday. You're talking like
it's already Friday. [sniffing] [helicopter engine noise] Scott Dantley. Colonel Frank Tolliver. Apollo 6, Apollo 16-- and now national sales rep
for Daisy Fresh Toilet Tissue. You've always been a hero, sir. Colonel Tolliver's
going to speak to the prayer breakfast
on God and space. So, uh, what would you say
are the, uh--the, uh-- slap! What are the implications
of the tests, Dr. Hirsch? [buzzing] I only have--
slap! You mean I only have
eight months to live? [buzzing]
Well, are you absolutely-- Is that a certainty?
slap! Okay, thank you. [buzzing] [phone dropping hard] slap! clunk! [loud buzzing] [panting] What the hell are you doing? (Frank)
Put it back! Put it all back down! Down, down, down, down! Down, down! All I know is
what's on the work order. Why are you doing this? Who told you to do this to me? Someone said the guy
who was in here died. Died? Died? Do I look dead, huh? What the hell do you mean,
"died"? Do I? Uh, not to me, sir. This is Jack Issel, sir. Out of my friggin' way! Morning, Frank. thud Jack Issel. Max Landsberger. How you doing? Hi. There's been
a slight screw-up. You won't be starting
with Stedman this morning. I thought I caught him
at a bad time. No problem. Lesson number one:
beware of the furniture movers. When the ax falls, they're
always the first to know. People see them coming,
and they shit. I thought Mr. Stedman
didn't seem too happy. Hell, no,
he just got fired. (Max)
Listen, I got you set up
in P.R. with Howard Gross. Gross is the kind of guy
who really knows how to handle the pressure. This is Howard Gross! I'm 35 years old! I'm the head of this division! I'm not the head of this
division because I'm a moron! I got the head of this division
because I-I-I'm not a moron! Listen, my neck is
on the line here. I'm the one
who's going to determine what is brilliant
or not brilliant! And I'm telling you it's crap! Look, I'm telling-- Listen, listen
to me for a second! I'm not trying
to sell panty hose! It's on my head! I got to convince them
that killing 100,000 jobs and closing down a plant
and moving it to Latin America is not unpatriotic! I got to sell this as being
patriotic as goddamn apple pie! If anybody up there sees this,
I'm going to die. They're going to kill me. [phone buzzing] I got--I got--
the phone's going here! I got to hold!
I got to put you on hold! 35 lines going here! 35 lines
and 35 people looking for me! Hang on for a second!
What? Mr. Yonge's on three. He's just seen the campaign.
He sounds upset. Tell him to hold! Mr. Rayback's on four. He's also seen the campaign. He also sounds upset. Tell Rayback to hold! Your wife's on five
from the hospital. Her father just passed away. Tell my wife to hold. Your mechanic's on six. He wants to talk to you
about your Mercedes. Hey, how you doing, Harv, yeah? Fine, no, I'm great. You guys--you guys are great. You guys are great.
Are you kidding? So is it going
to be ready or what? (Harv)
More than the oil leak-- I'm afraid we'll have to fix
the transmission--$2,500. No, no, no, just the oil.
I just wanted oil. We're talking
maybe $4,000 even. No, no, wait, wait, wait! No, no, I-I-I--you want to come
over and see my driveway? I got no oil in my driveway. What are you talking
about a leak? You guys know of any of this? You bring in car;
you put a little leak in it. The car's got a warranty. [frantic music] They're doing it. They're doing it. (man)
Hi, Frank. I got to see Dantley! He's on his way
to the prayer breakfast. Jesus Christ! You guys are gutless! You guys are--you guys
think you have a monopoly on the whole thing you've got
that dealership there? I bring it in at 15!
I bring it in at 25! I bring it in at 35
for a goddamn oil change! That's under warranty,
that transmission! I'm 35 years old,
a head of a division! I'm going to have
a heart attack trying to pay for this car! Lesson number two: never
volunteer, never confront, never talk to anyone
you can possibly avoid. Hello, Max.
Morning, Bob. Lousy thing
about Stedman. We're doing everything
in our power to save his neck. Let me show you where
your office is, Jack. Excuse me. Stedman's out. I want Xerox copies
of his personal files. Hudson, that's
your first job. Art, I want a list
of his contracts and Rolodex. Rich, I want
his underground parking spot. Get maintenance
to paint my name on it before somebody else
grabs it. Sir--
Anything else? You're late
for your prayer breakfast, sir. I think you've got God in space
this morning, sir. [all laugh] I believe in the Lord God,
mister. If more people
in this company had my faith, we'd not only be
the biggest; we'd also be the best. Amen, sir. Through business and industry-- [man coughing] the Lord God can once again
become a real force in America. American industry is
the cornerstone of moral order. spiritual vitality, and national defense. When I stepped
into your building this morning, I could feel
the spirit of the Lord flowing through these halls. thud! [breathing harshly] (Howard)
What do you want me to say? I've got 35 guys on hold;
I've got too many-- Look, what do you
want me to say? Your father is dead. There's no point in him
being in semi-private. He could be in Yankee Stadium! He doesn't have to be
in semi-private! The man is dead! Of course, the company's
got a policy! That doesn't mean
I'm going to cover for it! I've got 35 lines here!
I can't talk! It wasn't my fault;
I'll call you back. It wasn't my fault;
I'll call you back. It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. (woman)
Hey! Hey. [growling] Was that--
Yeah, Frank. Lesson number four:
the secret to survival is, never make a decision. Never? Never. The minute you do,
you get screwed. I didn't make that decision! I have approved
somebody else's decision! I don't make decisions
like that! Do you know the difference
between decision approval? Call the guy
who made the decision! I just approved it! What are you guys
doing to me? You're killing me up there. I've got $72,000 Mercedes-Benz
that's leaking more oil than---Poland! I've got a dead father-in-law
who's pissed off because he's in semi-private! I got a cat in the hospital
that's costing me $100 a day! You guys are killing me up here! I'm dying here! I'm dying! [pump squeaking] I love this business. So you think you're
executive material, Jack? You mean,
can I play hardball? No, I mean
can you kiss ass? We'd better
get a move on. Gross'll have a heart attack
if you keep him waiting. Look, I'm afraid Mr. Gross
can't make the meeting. [woman on phone]
He can't be that busy. No, I wouldn't exactly call
what Mr. Gross is doing right now as being busy. Well, then what is he? He's dead.
He's dead. Let's make it
after lunch. Well, after lunch is
just as bad. Mr. Gross is dead. He'll still be dead after lunch. Look, Mr. Yonge
will be very upset. Yes, I know Mr. Yonge gets upset when we cancel
business meetings, but Mr. Gross has passed away. Passed away?
Dead? That's right. You mean really dead? No longer alive, correct. Try aspirin-- The man is dead. He's turning green as we speak. He's not going
to make it to lunch. He's not going
to make it to the meeting. If Mr. Yonge wants
to see Mr. Gross that badly, I'll ship Mr. Gross's body
down by internal mail. Oh. Gross screams a lot. You'll get used to him.
Right. You can live with him as long as you lift
your end of the load. Right. Lift. Right. Howard Gross is one of the best
PR men in the business. Been doing a hell of a job
for us for a lot of years. Real pressure player. Son of a bitch,
he looks pretty bad. He's dead, sir. You can call me Max. He's dead, Max. You won't be
starting with Gross. Give me a minute on this. Uh, I'll make a call. [sniffing] Let me and try to set you up
with Mike Hoover. He's got a great future
in this company. They sure dropped a shit load
of power in your lap. Al, I want to talk to you. You were smart, Mike. You picked up that whole
Latin American region last year. Who would have guessed
this--this Allenville move? You lucky son of a bitch! Al, you're the only guy
I can talk to. Well, then walk me down. I'm going to have a little time before the prayer
breakfast meeting. Uh--Mike!
I'm gone! I'm dead. And you don't even understand
the meaning of the word. Dead! Pardon me. (woman)
Hold the elevator. You're actually
physically dying? Eight months. The doctor said
eight months. I just couldn't
believe it. Now, look, Al,
the most important thing is, I don't want you
to tell anybody about this. If any of these guys
find out anything about this, it'll be terrible! Al, my work is all
I have left right now. And I want to keep working
for as long as I can. But if any of these guys
finds out anything about this, they're going to be after my job
like a bunch of vultures. So be sure you don't tell
anybody, all right? Jesus, Mike, I swear
I wouldn't say a word. (Colonel Tolliver)
Social disorder, jobs, homosexuality, racial impurity,
and foreign imports-- Hoover just told me
he had eight months to live. Jesus. What's he got? The whole Latin American
division. I mean what disease? Jesus, I forgot to ask. [applause] Gentlemen, let us pray. Get back!
[panting] The carpets,
they rolled up my carpets! My sink. Ah. "To Frank Stedman
for 15 years of service." A Timex. A goddamned, lousy $22 Timex! [clattering] [watch beeping] Amen. (all)
Amen. Jack, welcome aboard. Thank you, sir. I know your father. Great senator, great American,
outstanding human being. Well, he's managed
to stay out of jail, and we're real proud
about that, sir. [both laughing weakly] You met Howard Gross. Uh, not really. I mean, he, uh, died. He died before I could-- You'll have a new boss
in a few days, Jack. We were planning on moving
Howard out anyway. Move him out. (man)
Yes, sir. Never really had
the heart for the job. God, I love this company. I love the action. I love how it touches you
every minute of every day. Let it down for one second; the entire system will roll
over you like a Mack truck. It's merciless. But when you're up there
in that cab-- [glass shattering] Gripping that wheel,
pedal to the metal, foot to the floor, flat-out
screaming down the highway, wind at your heels,
the entire power of a multinational corporation
pounding under the hood-- Huh! Nothing like it. [air whistling] Nothing in the world. [air whistling] [car honking] Bob, what was Frank Stedman
wearing this morning? An all-blue suit, sir. That's what I thought. My God. Exhilaration of power. That's what we're
all here for, Jack, but you got to have
what it takes. Am I right, Nixon? Absolutely, sir. Stedman. Looks like it. The company's a world
unto itself. The company giveth;
company taketh away. The strong survive;
the weak fall. Jack. We won't be easy on you, but I promise you this. You'll be
a better man for it. Absolutely. Two in one morning. Welcome to the world
of big business. You won't be starting
with Hoover. Rumor is, he'll be dead
in eight months. You'll be starting
in complaints. This is you. It's small,
but it has no window. Eliminates the temptation
to jump. You could always
hang yourself. No way,
the ceiling's too low. Hi, my name's Rabinovich. I'm from St. Louie. I'm just down the hall. I'm new too. Max Landsberger. Jack Issel. Hi. (Hudson)
Well, if it isn't
the senator's son? I bet Daddy had to pull a few
strings to get you in here. I believe it was
a straight cash pay-off. Max Landsberger. Uh, John Hudson. Jack, why don't you take
a few minutes to get settled? I have to make some new
arrangements for you anyway. I'll be back in a flash. Gentlemen. [laughs sheepishly] [dramatic music] This cream developed by
your company to eliminate hair from women's legs is
a crime against women. It's a crime against nature, and we demand its immediate
removal from the market. You--you don't think
women should shave their legs or underarms? Take a look. We are not, and I repeat, not
involved in the underarm issue. You're not involved
in the underarm-- That's the WACPFSMML. WAC-- Women Against
Corporate Promotion of Female Self-Mutilation
Marxist Leninist. I'm going to pass this on
to my superior. (woman)
Pass this on
to your superior, Jack. (man #1)
Do you know what this is,
Mr. Issel? Is this a trick question? This is the liver
of a sperm whale. A subsidiary
of your corporation is killing sperm whales
for this liver. We all represent groups
who are opposed to this murderous action
against God and nature. Child Psychologists for
a Free Poland Against Whaling! (man #2)
Zionism is fascism. Fascism is murder. Murder is whaling. Whaling is Zionism! (all)
Yeah, right. (man #3)
Larry and I were together
for six years. Then your company
gave him a transfer, and they won't give me
his address. This is bad.
This is very, very bad. You know Larry? You're a very unhappy man. You're keeping us apart. I will not let big business play
with people's lives like this! [gunshots ring] You--you slug! [screaming] Larry! I'm looking for someone
in public relations. They sent me down here. They did? My name is Rachael. I'm here to lodge a complaint
against your company. Okay, that's why I'm here. Look, Mr. Issel, I'm not naive. I realize that these complaints
will be filed away somewhere and forgotten. But we will fight
your criminal company in every way that we can. Here, this is
for you, Mr. Issel. thud! Jesus. What--what's the problem? Too much coffee. [clears throat] Anyway, there are 25,000 names
on that petition. That's the population
of Allenville. If your company closes
the Allenville plant, those people will lose
their jobs and their homes. Because your company
can get a bit more profit by moving the plant
to some poor country, where labor is 10 an hour and you guys own
the government. Gosh, you're pretty. [clears throat] Would you like to sit? No, thank you. If INC pulls out,
this town dies, Mr. Issel! Hey, don't yell at me. I just started here
this morning. Would you like a diet Coke? No, thank you. Now, if INC would let
the workers buy the plant and run it themselves,
they could save this town. That sounds very sensible. Hey, listen, I got to tell you. You're the most interesting
and attractive person I've met on this job so far. That's typical. They always dump us
on some little guy who just wants
to make small talk. Hey, wait a minute. This little guy's
going someplace, fella. Oh, where's that, fella? I'm going to lunch at 12:30. Come along,
and we can talk about this Allenville thing. No, thank you. This photocopy of the petition
is for your boss. How about lunch on Tuesday? This pamphlet
outlines the damages that will be done
if the plant closes. I'm free on Wednesday. Good-bye, Mr. Issel. I'm free on Thursday. Thursday--actually,
I'm free right through 2010! (Bob)
Jane, come on.
Can't we do that afterwards? (Jane)
"Howard Gross's tragic death
was not only a personal loss, but a blow to the entire
public relations division." (Bob)
God, can't that wait? (Jane)
No, no, wait a minute. "As former PR head,
I feel qualified to recommend "Jane Caldwell as the new
PR division vice president. "She is a tough-minded,
innovative, aggressive executive." No, I can do better than that. Now what? Just hold it, Bob. "She is a tough-minded,
innovative, aggressive-- [clicking]
team player." Better, right? [cranking noise] "She has a fine intelligence
and a relentless drive-- "with wit and
a unique femininity. "In short, she's the number one
choice for the job. Signed, Bob Nixon."
What do you think? I think you've upset
my concentration. I'll have it typed, and you'll sign it
in the morning. Deal's a deal. All right, all right, all right. Don't be so angry, huh? Scott, this is
Coach Branch Kipp. You've always been a hero,
Coach. You know, two Super Bowl
championships with all white teams is
quite a feat. It helps to have God
in the backfield. Bob Nixon;
my pleasure. How's the Issel kid doing? Good. Promote him. Just started this week. Promote him. We have to make the San Marcos
move sooner than I thought. I want his father in place. I'll move him
into Jane Caldwell's department. What do you think, Jack? It's-- Perfect. Yes, ma'am. God, it's weird. I'm only 29 years old, and I'm already head of public
relations and communications. I must be blessed. You had a little help. Bob, oh, God. Oh, I appreciate all you did. You were fantastic. Why don't I, uh,
drop by your place tonight? Oh, God, I-I-I'm
up to my ears tonight. I-I've got departmental
meetings all week. When, then? When? When, when, when? Let's see; let's s. Uh, when, when, when? How's the, uh-- how's
the first week in September? That's two months from now. Well, I'm up to my ears, Bob. What do you want from me? Well, you are just screwing
your way to the top, aren't you? I wouldn't be much
of an executive if I screwed my way
to the bottom. Would I? Oh, excuse me, sir;
could you tell me-- You!
Sir? Yes, you, mister! Do you work
for this corporation, or are you a messenger? My name's Rabinovich, sir. I'm a new recruit here. You never wear brown shoes with
a blue suit, Mr. Rubenstein. I just--
It's Rabinovich, sir. You never, ever, ever hold
your glasses together with tape and a paper clip,
Mr. Rosenberg! I did this because--
It's Rabinovich, sir. Glasses now! Now, now, now!
Glasses! You have them fixed
by a licensed optometrist. Shoe, shoe, shoe, shoes! Black only
in this corporation. clap! Mr. Robenstein. Is that for me? It's just a complaint. By the way, you've been promoted to Executive Assistant
Vice President of External Information
and Public Affairs. This is just my first week. Well, then you must have
good friends upstairs. But don't get too excited. It's the same job with 10%
more salary and 90% more title. What is the Allenville 25,000? Oh, that's the population
of the whole town. We're closing the plant. So? Well, I just thought
maybe we should consider the impact on the community. Fine. Write up a report. Write up a report? [peppy electric guitar music] [car honking] (Rachael)
Don't let them close Allenville! Help keep American jobs
at home! INC is working
against the interests of the American people. They're moving their plants
to the Third World, where labor's cheaper. Don't let them close--oh! Nice move. Oh, God. Hey, Rachael. Still protesting, huh? You're really into this. Sorry, I got mustard
on your suit. And I ordered this suit
ketchup-only. That's okay. That's fine. How've you been? Fine. Don't let INC
close Allenville. Save Allenville. You eat here often? [saxophone music] Food's not great,
but I like it. Save Allenville.
Because it's quiet! You can talk! Ma'am, save Allenville. Did you decide
about our lunch? Look, you don't get it,
do you? I don't like you! O-oh. I don't like your company. I don't like what
any of you people stand for. I-I don't stand
for anything. Oh, that's great.
That's great. That's something
to be proud of. No, no, no, I mean
I don't stand for anything you think I stand for. I stand for other things. Oh, so what do you
stand for? Well, honor and truth
and great sex. And air-conditioning-- and life after death. I'm in favor of life after death
with air-conditioning. Betting?
Yeah. I hope your friend knows
how to play like him. He doesn't have to. Graduated first at M.I.T.,
IQ of about 10,000. That's INC's new fair-haired
boy, and they know it. [thrilling synthesizer music] [grunts] [groans] [laughing] Come on. [groans] You okay, Conan? No sweat. [groans] Eight-zip.
[laughing] Come on; come on! Are you okay? I just never played
full-contact racquetball before. Come on! You'll be okay. Come on.
Let's get these guys. [laughing] Banzai! [grunts] Damn it. All right! [laughing] Shit! Jeez, how did you miss that? Damn! Come on; come on! 15-12. All right! Game and match. Well, we beat 'em. But we suffered. You suffered. We beat 'em. What are you doing? I'm working. You're--you're bleeding
is what you're doing. Excuse me. It's 10:00 at night. You should be bleeding
on your own time. There are a few things I have
to clear up before tomorrow. [chuckling] I can't believe the man's
total devotion to his work. [sighs] To Rabinovich and Issel, forever victorious,
forever bold. Look, they're just
a few columns I have to add up before tomorrow, okay? Look at your commitment. I went through college
and business school with someone else's notes
and a Xerox machine. I Xerox my way through life,
Ranovich. [sighs] Do the minimum;
keep your old man off your back. Take the glorious path
of least resistance. That's me. Sounds all right
if you can pull it off. It scares the shit
out of me to think I'm going to be
an executive here at 50. It scares the shit
out of me to think I won't be an executive
here at 50. Can I help you? They said you'd have
my business cards up here. The name's Hudson. John Hudson. Let me check. Whose are these? Those are Mr. Rabinovich's. Yours aren't here yet. What's all this about? Somebody fired? No, they moved Jack Issel
up here from 29. This is
the vice presidents' floor. He got a promotion. In one week? In one goddamn week? That's right. This is too great. I don't understand this
at all. This is very strange. Lesson number 23: don't try
and figure them out. If they give you something,
go for it. Absolutely. Mr. Rabinovich. [sexy music] Uh, two more luncheon specials
over here, please, out here! Thanks. Two more here also! [laughing] How's it going? What happened? They fired him
this morning. Shoot my brains out. Quicker--that'll be quicker. No problem for anybody--bang--
[snaps fingers] Apparently a letter with
his card enclosed was dropped at the office of a Saudi company
we do a lot of business with. It said that INC wouldn't
boycott the Israelis and that the Saudis
could go screw themselves. What? Well, the sheik freaked. Dantley had
to get down and kiss a whole lot of Saudi ass
to cool them out. And they insisted
Rabinovich be fired. Who the hell would have put
Rabinovich's card-- It's no longer an issue, man. Don't get involved
if you want to survive. [determined synthesizer music] Coffee, coffee, coffee! Now, now, now! Move your goddamn ass! Allow me. Your coffee, sir, courtesy of Rabinovich. This is from me. [clattering] He'll need some cream
and sugar. "Department: Public Relations." [keys clacking] "Subject: Allenville." This is word-processing
input unit 1205 amp. Public Relations room 417,
Jack Issel. "Proposal: Cooperative
plant ownership. "Objective--
[keys clacking] "Save the community,
enhance INC image "as 'the company
who cares about people.'" Right there; look. (man)
"Cooperative plant ownership?" That does sound like some sort
of communist thing to me. What did I tell you? [ominous music] Are you Jack Issel? Yeah. Security check. Clear the files. Hey, what are you doing? Bag everything. Want to tell me what's going on? What the hell is this? It looks like a print-out
of my Allenville report. You would have
the workers controlling the means of production. And that is anti-profit,
which is anti-business, which is anti-INC International, which is anti-American, which is anti-Christian, which is anti-life, and pro-abortions. Hey, it was just a suggestion. A suggestion? What do you think? If I had my way,
I would take you people into the street
and have you shot. Shot? Photos! [flash popping] So how's the work going, Jack? (Jack)
Work?
Fine. Good. Very good. Did security
run a check on you? Well, that's what
they called it, sir. Very intense sentiments. Well, security's
an intense profession. Jack, think they're
a bit trigger-happy? They thought some Allenville
report you wrote was subversive. I straightened them out. My God, your father's
a U.S. senator. I'm sure it was all just some
silly miscommunication, right? I only thought that
if we could somehow find a way to help save the town,
we could really show we were the company that cares. Like our TV ad says,
it's good PR. TV isn't real life.
Is it, Bob? Oh, absolutely not real life,
sir--except perhaps the news. And shows like Real People. [laughs]
Those Amazing Animals
are very real, sir. (Dantley)
I disagree. I think they set
those animals up. I agree with you. Jack. We want Allenville
to go down the tubes. Down the tubes, sir? We want to lose our investment. The plant appreciation
allowance nets us millions in tax refunds
if that town dies. By the way,
I hear Hoover's dying. What's he got? No one knows. He's being very tight-assed
about the thing, sir. How do you think
we should handle it? With this new push
into Latin America, I doubt he can handle the whole
division in his condition-- [laughs]
To be honest. Couldn't have handled it
while he was alive. Mm, he's not dead yet. Right, Jack? No, sir. Oh, you know
what I mean, sir. In terms of company
operating procedure, he's de facto dead. [sizzling] People are looking at me
like I'm already dead. You told them, didn't you, Al? Not a word. I swear
on my mother's grave. [sniffling] If I'm lying,
my wife and kids should be tortured
and killed today. I'm ready to step in
when he dies. If he doesn't die? Oh, I'm confident
he will, sir. What do you think, Jack? [laughing] Why don't you
just kill him, sir? [laughing] No.
No. I told you to go
out there and listen to what those protesters
had to say! Not make some--
some lunatic suggestion-- [clicking] Using my computer key. That could have destroyed
everything I worked for in this company and--and take me
right back to the steno pool. [toilet flushing] Jane, I hope we understand
each other. If anyone finds out
about this, I'm dead. Hi. Hi. Jane. What are you two doing here? Isn't this my office? That's funny. I was in my office
in my bathroom, and now I'm here in her office. This is the sort of thing
I hear that happens to people under stress. How weird. I've been under a lot
of pressure lately. [door opening and shutting] Zip this up for me. Yes, ma'am. This kind's easy
to get off but a bugger
to get on. Yeah, you got a lot
of hair here. You think I'm
an A-1 bitch, huh? No, ma'am. [zipping noise] You know, we're all
the same up here. Except they call the men tough,
and the women bitches or worse. What's your opinion? I think you're--very-- Don't fall for it, Jack. No, ma'am. For what? Don't fall for the lie
we tell ourselves. We're only doing the dirty stuff
to get the power. It'll give us the freedom to do all the good things
we really want. And you get the power,
and you can't goddamn remember what it was you wanted the
freedom for in the first place. [footsteps and door shutting] Looks like you need someone. Looks like you
could use somebody. [synthesized pop music] What are you
listening to? Dylan. Don't you think that you
already said enough, or does your mouth
never stop? Look at these. Where'd you get this? (Max)
Over there. She was handing them out
by the door. Where is she? I guess she's gone. Sorry, man. There's something
deep inside that says love me forever. It's a sad but natural fact. It's just a waste of time. Yeah, I was at the park. I'll see you later. Yeah, right. Hi. Are you really handing these
things out on a Saturday night? Are you following me? Yes, I'm following you. I thought of everything
you said and everything
you stand for, and I want to dance
with you. It's really nothing personal. I just--I don't dance
with company men. I'm not a company man. I'm going to be fired
any day. I really don't want to. Yet another cigarette, hoping this one
helps you to forget this thing
I'm remembering. Hey, do you realize
you're dancing with a new corporate
vice president? You did it, man. He just got promoted yesterday. Promoted? Just a second ago, you told me
you were going to be fired! I can explain that. You see, it's just a temporary
promotion until I'm fired. You're not going to do that. You're not going to-- You did it. Thank you. No, no! You're going to die. [screaming] What do you think,
Jack? Perfect. Perfect. That's perfect. This is perfect. I'm perfect. [exhaling slowly] (Max)
Since the 1984 oil discovery
in New Guinea, we have sold
the Buclais hill tribesmen 12 of our S-24 Skywolf
super-pursuit fighters at $21 million per unit. That's $252 million. This has started a local
arms race between the Buclais and their local neighbors,
the Klaclais. Now, the Klaclais also happen
to be sitting on quite a large amount
of oil. And the Klaclais
now want to buy 20 of our new S-24 Slash X-ray
ultra-pursuit fighters for $480 million. What are the chances
of a war between them? Very good, sir. Our spare-parts-replacement
contracts could be very lucrative. Who trains
their flight personnel? Well, as near
as we can assess it, um, they don't
actually fly the planes. They--they sort of
roll them downhills, crashing them
into each other. Personally, I think
it's a shameful waste of incredible kill power. Make the deal. (both)
Absolutely. Next! Mr. Chairman, we are
a company on the move. I have two mega stocks and a super promotional idea
that can bring INC $500 million to $1 billion
in gross revenues! That is not about white power! Nor is it about black power! It is about green power! Money! M-O-N-E-Y! We're talking
about geometric progression. 1, 2, 4, 8, 16! The numbers boggle the mind! So in conclusion, all we have to do is
to get off the dime and put the show on the road! Thank you very much. Next. Arthur W. Harris,
969 Columbus Avenue, security guard,
unemployed, single unit, baby blue princess model,
three months overdue on a balance of $188.64. Huh, disconnect. Why does Mr. Helmes review
individual phone bills? He feels it keeps him
in touch with the people. (Bob)
Unemployed,
wall unit, push-button, black 25-foot flexi-cord, 10 weeks over-- Not him again? Ten weeks overdue
on a balance of $154.88. Disconnect. He does claim the check is
in the mail, sir. We own the goddamn mail service. I know what's in it
and what's not! And his check is not in my mail! Disconnect. Next. We're all set to close
Allenville, um-- Friday. Expect any trouble down there? Nothing to speak of. TV cameras and the handful
of the usual protesters. Maybe we ought to send
somebody down there to tell our side of the story. [clinking and rolling] [clinking] Exactly what is our side
of the Allenville story? We're losing money
hand over fist. That's not true. No, but it's our side
of the story. Lesson number 47: there are
no truths, only stories. Just let me do the talking. [clicking] [inhaling sharply] [sniffling and exhaling] Yeah. Max. Do you ever think
there's something profoundly wrong with the world when a company like ours
produces hair removal cream and nuclear warheads? [inhaling sharply] No. [exhaling deeply] [new wave music playing] (Max)
Sal, you want a hit? (Sal)
No, thanks, sir. I'm getting a pretty good
contact high as is. (man)
I'm Pilate and Jesus. (Max)
Uh, Sal, Sal, isn't that the Allenville exit
we just passed? I think you're
right, sir. Yeah, it said Allenville,
you know? Uh, I have
a plan, sir. I can go to the next exit;
whip around. Eh, it'd be no problem,
I think. Great. Uh, Sal, keep your eye
on the road. Great. (man)
I once hid my lust
for stardom like a filthy-- Hey, Sal, look,
isn't this the Allenville exit coming up here again? Sal, uh-- Sir, sir, I think
that was it again. Yeah, I think so, man,
because, you know, it just said Allenville. I could back up, sir. Uh, no, no. Don't do-- I could back up. No, it's a bad idea. No, it's cool. Sir, sir, I could--
I could U-ey right here. No, no,
that's okay, Sal. There's not--
we're only a half hour late. It's no problem. [both snorting and giggling] [jeers] This is death. Let's get the hell
out of here. Jack, where are you--
Jack, what are you doing? Jack! Max, this is a very big
turn-out here for us. Jack, get back in the car. Get back in the ca-- Sal.
Yes, sir? Keep the motor running. Uh, I'm not going
to do that, sir. It could heat up. Sal, do me a favor. Sir?
Don't call me, sir. These people are going
to think I'm in charge. Call me Max. Max.
Max. No problem, Max. [jeers] (man)
Are you from
the Allenville office? Yes.
No, no. Did you people expect
this sort of reaction? It's amazing. Actually, we expected
people to be upset, but we're not anticipating
any trouble. [glass shattering] What'd I do? Well, well, you guys
finally did it. "The company who cares
about people," right? Most of these people
will be on unemployment, because there are
no other jobs in town. And when that fails,
it's welfare for the lucky ones
who qualify. Is it true that this plant
is still a viable operation and that INC's relocating it
to Central America because the labor
is cheaper there? I think so.
No. [man on TV]
Is it true that INC stands to gain more in tax write-offs if the plant fails than if it operates
at a moderate profit? I-I think so. You think so? You think so? You're there to deny that shit. Jack. Doesn't INC have
a moral responsibility to these workers
to keep this plant and these jobs
in the U.S.? Jack! Uh, moral responsibility? Is that Jack? You haven't answered
my question. Jesus Christ, it is Jack. Does INC have a responsibility
to keep this town working? [glass shattering] (Max)
Jack! In business school,
we learned that the main goal of corporations is
to maximize profits and survive. So, uh, they act
in their own self-interest. He hasn't been well! Self-interest? What is the goddamned idiot
talking about? What'd that goddamn
son of a bitch say? You're related to Senator
Jack Issel, right? No. Yes, I am.
Son of a bitch. I'm his son. Lying goddamn bastard. You people crazy?
I'm taking names. Get out of here.
Look at what you're doing here. This is marked up.
It's a new paint job. So INC has no responsibility
to these people? Jack! INC operates purely
in a profit motive. Jack. Pure self-interest, then? Absolutely. Thank you. We should kill the bastard
that sent that moron out there. [boisterous yelling] [clattering and shattering] In the old days,
I'd have had that son of a bitch in cement and dumped
into the river before you can say,
"Henry Ford." Unfortunately, these are
the post-Watergate '80s. Well, then shoot him. Not a wise idea, sir. I'm one of the most
powerful men in the world. And if I can't
have someone shot, then what the hell does
it mean to have power anymore? We don't want to alienate
his father at this point, sir. Fire the commie! But get him out
of my company! [synthesizer music] (man)
Deep in the night -- That limo cost $75,000. Damn it, Jack. We went out there to tell them
our side of the story. We didn't go out there
to tell them the truth. They're going to have my ass. Thanks, honey. [kissing noise] Come on. Okay! Yeah.
Yeah. See you later. Take care, man. Sorry about the car. [laughing] I love you. I know you do. I love you too. [thunder rumbling and cracking] Perfect. Perfect. Okay, you're going that way. I'm going this way. You okay? Get serious. You okay? Lesson number 59-- You're okay. Take off, Durango! See you tomorrow. So long, Maxie. [laughing]
So long, Jack. [thunder rumbling] Hmm. Am I okay? [snorts] [groans] [Jack singing] I'll never work again. Because I'm fired. And they're going
to kill me. And then I'll be dead. How little we understand what touches
that tingle -- I don't remember you
at the bar. I don't even know
your name. I never do this. Hey. I know that face. Come on; let me get you out
of these wet clothes. I'm probably just another
cheap pick-up to you-- another great-looking
piece of beefcake. [laughs] Another USDA
prime rib roast. You know, if I had
any respect for myself, I'd walk right out
that door. Wait a minute. This is my place. [grunts] [jazzy romantic music] Sorry. (Max)
Lesson number one, Jack. Beware of the furniture movers. People see them coming,
and they shit. We want all the wallpaper,
the carpet, and the upholstery redone. [phones ringing
and people talking] Corporations have as much power over our lives
as the government. But we can't vote them out
if we think they don't represent
the public interests. Corporations don't have to tell
us why they do what they do. That's a fact of American life. But yesterday, INC
International broke the rule. When asked why they closed
their Allenville plant, INC International
spokesman Jack Issel didn't peddle
some PR sob story. He told the truth. Corporations act
in their own self-interest. Like it or not, that's a fact
of life in the free world. And Mr. Issel had
the guts to say it. For that, this reporter
gives INC International 10 out of 10 for honesty. It's the same
on all the stations. He's like a national hero. Bring him to me. You just fired him. I'll tell you, Jack. This stuff's going
to look pretty shabby in your new office. I'll get you a decorator. I thought I was fired. Fired?
No, no. Mr. Helmes is
very impressed with the way you handled those TV people. He'd like to see you
at his house on Sunday. (Max)
I came on over,
and he's hanging here in the middle of the room. I think you found a home
for yourself here, Jack. They're cutting him
down now. Prime spot for Allenville
is San Marcos. Cheap labor, cheap
and plentiful resources. Only one hitch. Telecorp International
has President Sanchez in their pocket and don't want
any competition from us. We're locked out. Not if we get
to General Sepulveda. He's Sanchez's right-hand man,
hungry for the top spot. You're talking
about a coup, sir. A coup.
[laughs] I'm simply saying that
we replace a general sympathetic to Telecorp's needs with one
sympathetic to our needs. That is not a coup. It's just a realignment
of American interests abroad. I think we want Washington
with us if things flare up. Well, then we must meet
with Senator Issel. You know, it wouldn't hurt
to tie his boy in right from the top. (Jack)
What goes on at these prayer
breakfasts? These guys fly in on helicopters
and make speeches. We pray to the gods. Who are thgods? The gods of greed,
the gods of money, the volcano god,
the tree god. Max, do you think I'm doing
the right thing here? You know, I heard the Japanese
are working on a micro orgasm. They keep promoting me. I don't do anything! It's revolutionary. Soon you'll be able to have
group sex on a silicon chip no bigger than my fingernail. Max, you're not
taking me seriously. This place is
totally bananas. Any reasonable, normal person
would have quit a long time ago. That's what worries me. Relax, man. What are you
worried about? Helmes has got
his eye on you. You're in line
for another big promotion. Yeah, as soon
as someone drops dead or jumps, or maybe I'm supposed
to pull the trigger myself. They're really doing it
up there, Max. And for what? For money and power, Jack. It's the American way. Lesson number 79:
when the tough get going, the weak get screwed. I can't play it like that. It's the only way
to play it, Jack. What about you? You're not like
the rest of them. How do you survive it? I just go with the flow. I flipped out years ago. I only look sane. The secret is,
you got to be crazy to maintain your sanity
up here. But you're sane, Jack. And that's exactly why
you're going crazy. [yelling in German] Helmes invited me
to his house. The house. Tremendous. Max, I feel like
I'm being pushed around in some insane game. Stop complaining. You keep getting pushed up when everybody else
gets pushed down. [yelling in German] Max, this man
is talking in German. I never listen
to these guys anyway. [yelling in German] [applause] I hope you'll come back
for visits. It'll be deathly quiet
around here without you. Shit, Albert, I can't come back
to this life anymore. I'll miss that. Miss what? "Shit, Albert." You're the only one
in the family who ever talked to me
like that. Yeah, I'll miss you too,
but I got to get out of here. My father,
he thinks I'm insane. You know, he would love to have
me put away in some asylum just because I don't think
like he does. Do you know that
he virtually refuses to admit I even exist anymore? [doorbell rings] Going to get
my junk together. (Helmes)
These are perfect
instruments, Jack. Stradivariuses run,
oh, $300,000 to well over a million dollars
apiece. Here, hold that one. Feel the quality. It almost pulsates,
doesn't it? I've never been this close
to one before, sir. Do you like, uh,
good music? Oh, yes, sir. So do I. [Dvorak's Humoresque] [clattering] Ow, ow! [splintering noise] Oh, my God. Look, I-I'm really sorry. smash! Another Stradivarius. These are not
Stradivariuses, Jack. These are Polyvariuses,
perfect polyurethane copies. We begin mass production
in the fall. It sounds like
a Stradivarius. It looks like
a Stradivarius. It smells-- [sniffing] Like a Stradivarius. And at $49.95, that is one
hell of a saving for the public. Perfection! That's what
we're after, Jack. [clattering] [strings twanging] We're doing God's work, son. [ominous music] The Third World, Jack,
the last frontier. That's where
the Allenville plant is going. The corporation
that controls the Third World in the next century, Jack,
controls the globe. Think of that. One-world economy under INC. One corporation under God. One moral, spiritual,
economic unity. Sounds like very big stuff, sir. Very big stuff, Jack. San Marcos' ruling
democratic party. This is General Sanchez. He lacks vision. This is General Sepulveda. He has vision. I want you to meet
with Sepulveda. Me? They're touring
the United States this week, meeting business leaders. You're invited to a reception
at their consulate. Sir, why me? I'm terrible with generals. Instinct, Jack. My nose tells me
you are ripe for this. [cars honking] This the new car, Sal? Yes, sir. $84,000. Nothing's going to happen
to this one, sir. Bulletproof glass,
reinforced steel beams, quadraphonic sound. I just got
the new Julio Iglesias tape. Want to hear it? Uh, not right now, Sal. That case is for you, sir. It's supposed to be delivered
to a General Sepulveda. You know where
their consulate is, Sal? [tires screeching] That's it right there, sir. This is our office. Yes, sir. You mean, their consulate
is in our building? That's right, sir. They rent two floors,
the fourth and the 109th. They're always on the elevators. I'm going to take you
around the corner, sir. Drop you off out front. [people jeering] Wait for me here, Sal? I don't think so, sir. I'm going to go have
a slice of pizza. I'll meet you on the other side
of the building. I want to park this
where it's safe. [people jeering] I think you owe me
an explanation. Oh, Old Blue Eyes
is back. What were you doing
in Helmes' house? He's my father. He's your father. You're Helmes' daughter. That's--that's perfect.
That's perfect. You've been a company man
all along, Jack. You march around here like one
of the oppressed masses when your old man's
worth 80 zillion bucks. At least--at least
I'm not pretending to be somebody I'm not. I rejected the money. Besides, I don't have
to justify my life to someone who's dressed
like Wayne Newton. This is crazy. This is escalating
way out of control. Hold on a second.
Wait a minute. This invitation's for two. You think I'm going to go up
there with you and have dinner? Your company is upstairs
there tonight entertaining General Sanchez
and his pack of murderers. And you expect me
to go up there? You can protest down here
until you're blue in the face, or you can find out what's
really going on up there in the belly of the beast. I can't go up there
with you. No guts, huh?
No clothes. If you're afraid,
I'll understand. Afraid? Wait a minute. What are you doing? I think I can make
this work. Come on.
Come on. What--what is this? Stand here. Turn around. Turn around. Oh, no. Here, hold this. [laughing] I don't believe--I don't believe
you're doing this. That. You look great. [synthesizer music] [applause] Now, ladies and gentlemen,
INC Defense Industries proudly presents
their new line of small arms for what could be a very, very
hot summer in Central America. Hey, let's meet Chuck,
shall we? Cool and dry in his green-tree
camo fatigues. Chuck tracks terrorists
by night with his 9 millimeter
silence DK assault rifle. Now, here's Johnny. But don't get too close,
because Johnny's equipped with the incredible secret Uzi
9 millimeter freeze gun. [camera clicking] A very nasty terrorist
problem in San Marcos. The army had the guns, we might be able
to stop the killing. And it's a bitch of a problem,
isn't it, Jack? Well, actually,
I've been reading that it's the army that's
doing most of the killing. Huh. Jack, the army's been
busting its ass to eliminate the murder and the torture and the human rights
violations down there. (Dantley)
Left-wing terrorists
fire-bombed our 26th Mr. Chicken franchise
just yesterday. The Marxists are denying
the people of Latin America their right to eat Mr. Chicken. And they're denying
Mr. Chicken his human right to franchise, make a profit. I sure as hell don't want some
made-in-Moscow Mr. Cabbage Roll shoved down my throat
against my will. (Bob)
Absolutely. Those peasants deserve
the dignity and human right to eat Mr. Chicken when
and where they please. (Helmes)
And, Jack. When that right is threatened in the western hemisphere, it becomes
a national security issue for the United States
of America. We're talking
of the very survival of the entire concept of internationally
franchised chicken, Jack. We've got work to do. [applause] (man)
And now, ladies and gentlemen, a toast from General Sanchez. Totalitarianism, no! Authoritarianism, si! (all)
Totalitarianism, no! Authoritarianism, si! I enjoyed your company's
little fashion show, seor. Now business, huh? Very nice, huh? Just like a big drug deal,
huh, seor? [laughing] Drug deal. [gasps] I was joking, seor. [laughing] It was a joke, huh? I never dealt dope in my life! That freighter off Miami,
I-I knew nothing. I-I didn't say-- You think you can buy us
just like that, huh? You and your
self-righteous democracy. You have democracy,
my little friend, because you are rich, huh? You can afford both
the Mercedes and the free press. We in San Marcos
are poor, seor. We can afford only one--
the Mercedes. [snickering] [door opening] [gasping] Ella estaba sacando fotos! What? Put that back! [yelping] [groaning] thud! This is no time
for foolish heroics, seor. This is business. Jackthey've got guns. [snaps fingers]
The money. Just give him the money. Don't worry. This is--this is
the United States of America. Nobody's going
to shoot anybody in the middle of downtown.
Shoot them. [machine gun fire] The money, seor. Oh, I'm glad you two
are all right. Uh, Jack, give the general
his money. His money? Let me talk to him for a moment,
General. Jack, I'm afraid you're
in a tight spot here. Wha--what do you mean? Even though this is
our building, this is
their embassy floor. They're not subject
to our laws here. And they're trigger-happy. We're dealing with a race
of people who just don't put the same price
on human life as we do. But I've got you
off the hook. What the hell are you
talking about? General Sanchez and I
have decided that we can do business
together after all. You could have
stopped all this. It's always good to show
these people just how far you're willing to go. Makes them nervous;
gives us negotiating leverage. Now, what do you say,
the money? I say you two guys are two of the biggest assholes
I've ever met. You're way out of line,
mister. Jack. This is a very complicated
foreign policy issue. I call it complicated
horseshit, sir. You just want to buy
yourself a country like it was a stolen TV set. Then you launder the hot goods
through something you call foreign policy. [laughs]
My God. America's a democracy. We're not some international
fried chicken chain. Give me the money, Jack. thwack! Let's get the hell
out of here. Oh, my God! Push! Oh, come on. Push harder! You try it! There! I loosened it. (Sanchez)
Stop them! [machine gun fire] (man)
We have a security breach
on 109. (Helmes)
Jack, this is Mr. Helmes! Drop the money, and nothing
will happen to you! (Rachael)
All they want is their money! Just drop it! I'm not dropping
$2 million in cash. They're in the staSewells. (man)
Hold it there! God, this place is insane. [computer rattling] They're on the executive floors. [elevator bell ringing] In there. [Jane gasping] Oh, God. [gunshots] [bell ringing] Issel's gone.
I want his division. Xerox his files.
Get his Rolodex. Copy his computer tapes. Hudson, you can have
his parking space. Thank you, sir. [machine gun fire] There are two unidentified
objects in stairwell 69D. Sex without emotional content
is a hollow, empty experience. [gunfire and screaming] [gunshot] [woman on phone]
This phone is no longer
in service. Oh, God, what are you doing
with that gun? I just shot a phone. I don'believe this.
I can't believe this! Typical male response. They shoot at you;
you shoot at them. The violence just escalates
and escalates! Well, buddy, I am not having
anything to do with this. No way; you are incredible. My gun. [machine gun fire and screaming] [glass shattering] Ow! Pretty nice, huh? You want to sit in it? You want to sit in it? No, that's okay. I got the latest
Julio Iglesias tape. [laughing] Manhattan Transfer? ABBA?
You like ABBA? Don Ho? In here!
Come on! [male computer voice]
Storage area has been breached. They're on the storage floor. Freeze! [exhaling sharply] Don't turn around. [laughing] I told you not to turn around. [screaming] Oh, God.
Oh, God. [yelling and gun firing] There they are! [gunfire] Where'd they go? (Jack)
Oh, boy. No brakes. Big problem.
Oh, shit! Jump!
Jump! [glass shattering] Holy shit. [air whistling] [metal crunching
and horn blaring] You know what I mean? (Rachael)
Look out! (Jack)
Max! [dogs barking] Run, Jack, run! [growling and barking] I'll call you in the morning! Oh, my tape,
my Julio Iglesias tape--ruined. [horn blaring] Where are we going? Just follow me. Where are we going? (woman)
Free San Marcos! Anything will help. We'll take, uh,
checks or cash. Oh, this is cash--
from INC-- From Mr. Helmes himself. (Jack)
There were a few changes at INC after the night of the generals. (Senator Issel)
Are you now, or have you ever
been a member of the Communist Party? Of--of course not, you idiot! Then why did your company
contribute over $2 million to a Central American
organization-- I'm a Christian. I'm a businessman. I refuse to recognize
this illegal committee! (Jack)
Chairman Helmes was forced
to resign from the company due to suspected
communist activities and mental incapacity. This left Rachael
in control of 780,000 shares of her father's INC stock. This--
[chuckling] Really happened? [both laughing] It did. Wow. God can be a great guy. Hey, don't you have
to get to work? Oh, my God. God can also throw
some heavy curves. Sal, wasn't that
our building you just passed? Yes, sir, I have a plan, sir. I'm going to hang a louie
at the Prudential Building. Then I'm going to circle around. Go between Marina Towers. I'm going to dive,
dive right between 'em. Down Michigan, then turn right. We'll pass Marshall Field's. We can check out the windows. I hear they got a big sale. Then I come up
on our building from behind. It's going to be great. (Jack)
Whatever you say, Sal. Copyright: 2004
Home Box Office, Inc. Captioning by CaptionMax
(man)
Late at night, I can't wait
to close my eyes. Because there's a chance you might come into my life. If it's only for a moment, I just can't bear the thought of you
not there. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. I can almost feel you
in my dreams. Day--day dreamer, always on my mind. Dream believer, you're so hard to find. If it's only for a moment, I just don't care. I see you everywhere. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. I can almost feel you
in my dreams. [male vocals] (man)
Late at night, I can't wait
to close my eyes. Because there's a chance I might come to realize. If I can sleep forever, our love will die. Sometimes I wonder why you're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. I can almost feel you
in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. I can almost feel you
in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. I can almost feel you
in my dreams.
I started a small company called INC Bearing and Tool. And with these balls of steel,
I built INC International. Now we produce
over 10,000 products from a 50 megaton
nuclear warhead to a creamier, nuttier
peanut butter and a new quieter
artificial heart. Every day at INC,
we're developing products that will improve your life like Permalax,
an all-new laxative implant that relieves irregularity
for up to 25 years with a one-step implantation. Eh, I had the Permalax implant. Now I'm regular for life. [chuckles] But more important, we care about you. And we care
about our employees. INC is the company
that cares about people. Mr. Helmes wants
Senator Issel's full cooperation when we make
our Latin American move. What'd you get on him? Yes, sir. He's Washington's strongest
supporter of big business. That's his voting record. We contributed $150,000
to his last campaign and laundered it
through our Mexican banks. These are
the cancelled checks. His wife's a heavy boozer. Those are copies
of her liquor store bills. He's having an affair with a
D.C. hooker named Kitten Davis. Those are the Polaroids. He's been bribed
by all the major oil companies. These are
the telephone transcripts and, of course,
the standard men's room shots. Fine. And his son's graduation
is this month. Perfect. [tense synthesizer music] You're leaders.
You're businessmen. You're America's future. They say a Master's Degree
in Business from this school is the golden ticket
to the top positions of industry and finance. But this school can only
provide her graduates with the tools. It's up to you
as individuals to put those tools to work. [whispering]
Where in hell is
the goddamn son of a bitch? (man)
I-I don't know
about this, Dr. Kline. Maybe you shouldn't be
taking that off. I've got a terrible feeling
this is very wrong. My graduation ceremony
starts any second. (Kline)
Don't worry, Jack,
you'll make it. Are you sure this is
okay in your lab? It's a normal,
organic function. I don't know. I mean, it's all the way
across campus. For 72 years, our graduates-- I'm a damned U.S. senator. I've got a damned election
coming up. I've got a damned
reputation to protect. And I'm not going to allow
your damned son to embarrass me like this and tarnish
my damned image. [howling]
(Kline)
Oh, Jack, stay with me. I swear I'll murder him
for this. And the honor roll
of America's industrial history reads much like the honor roll
of this school. Names like Rockefeller-- (Kline)
Jack! Ford-- Jack! Morgan-- [softly]
Jack. Vanderbilt and Mellon-- Stay with me, Jack! And it's up to you,
the class of '85, to carry the torch
of that great tradition into America's
industrial future. [howling]
Oh, Jack, oh! [applause] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you. McDermott, Iona. Martinez, Juan Jorge. I didn't expect this. Neither did I. Low pulse rate, vascular
circulation at a minimum. I just didn't think
it'd be like this when I lost my virginity. This is your first time? I forgot to mention that. Senator. How are you? Uh, Bob Nixon. Senator Issel. [whispering]
Senator. Senator Issel was appointed
Washington's Chairman of the Senate Committee
on Latin American Affairs. What brings INC out here
on a workday, Scott? Recruiting.
Oh. Hudson, John Matthew. I like this
John Hudson kid. Second in class,
good family. How about your boy? Taking any offers? [laughs]
Well, let's just say
Jack's reviewing his options. He knows what's important. He'll land on his feet. So, Jack, what are
you graduating in? Business. Oh, that's nice. So I guess you'll be getting
into business, then. [sighs] Yeah. You know, Jack just might
fit into INC's program. What do you think? Well, I-I think he'd-- Be a terrific asset
to the company. Congratulations. [lively synthesizer music] Whittenborn, Eric Paul, III. Butterworth, Hugh Davidson. Bennett, Michael. Issel, Jack Davidson, Jr. Thank you. [helicopter engine noise] Colonel,
that construction. That's us. That, that. I own all that. There. Those two towers there. This one over here,
this one. 20 years ago,
I came to this town. I had less than $43 million
in my pocket. Now--I own all this. That's America, Colonel. [alarm clock buzzing] [man on radio]
QLN Chicago, it's 7:30 AM. And it's already
82 degrees out there. Ouch!
Get me a cocktail. (Jack)
Jack Issel, Jr., 24-year-old son
of Senator Jack Issel was found in bed
this morning--dead. Police believe the suicide
was the result of Jack Jr.'s fear of getting up
early and going to work for the next 40 years
of his life. (man)
Late at night, I can't wait
to close my eyes. Because there's a chance
you might come into my life. If it's only for a moment, I just can't bear
the thought of you not there. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. I can almost feel you
in my dreams. [beeping] [woman #1 on voicemail]
Jack, this is your mother. Good luck on your first day. Bye, sweetheart. [beeping] (woman #2)
Jack, it's Monica. Do you remember the dress,
you know, that dress? I mean, it's, like, forget it.
It's totaled. [beeping] (man)
Jack, hi, this is
Max Landsberger. I'm in charge
of new recruits at INC. I'll be showing you around
for the first few days. Now, you'll be starting
with Frank Stedman on the 41st floor. I'll meet you
in his office at 9:00. Oh, and congratulations, Jack. You really scored
getting Stedman. slap! He's going right to the top. (Frank)
Sid, it's Frank Stedman. I'm dead! Finished! (Sid)
Just relax. Helmes swore
he wouldn't announce this move until Christmas! It's the goddamn headline
in The Journal! (Sid)
No problem. The SCC's going to want to know why I sold 50,000
Allenville shares the day before we torpedoed
the plant! Frank, can you hold on-- I could go to jail! Can you hold? No, I can't hold! What are you--ha--Sid, Sid! Crap!
Will you get this thing moving? [cars honking] We're stuck
in a traffic jam, sir. I'm not the great Houdini. Well, blow your horn
like everybody else! Only a fool blows his horn
in a traffic jam, sir. [grunting and horn honking] [cars honking] Please, please, please pick up. Come on.
Come on. God, please, Sid, Sid! (Sid)
Frank? Thank God! No, I can't hold, Sid! Wait!
Hello! Sid--crap! I've got to get out. (man)
Hey, hey! (woman)
Get off. [grunts] (Scott)
Hi, Sid, Scott Dantley. Sid, the SCC's really
got us by the balls in the Stedman stock deal. Mr. Helmes wants him
terminated. Uh-huh, wants his desk out,
his chair out, carpet out, parking privileges revoked. Hold on, Sid. [whispers]
Turn it up. Can the stock market
survive a nuclear holocaust? "Yes," says our next guest. And he'll tell us what stocks
to buy and what to sell in the event
of a thermonuclear exchange right after these messages. Listen, Sid, Mr. Helmes
is the company. He doesn't give a flying shit
about Stedman's loyalty, and, uh, he wants him
out by lunch. Look there. Art Grisham. Chairman,
Petradyne International. Oh, God. I love it up here! Dantley! Dantley! Get out! We have most INC management
women with us, Jane. We certainly hope
you're behind us. God, yes,
absolutely, 100%. We have to go in
united as women. Oh, I agree
absolutely. It's women 120%. United we stand. Divided we fall. Frank! Frank, this Latin American
move's really gonna shake things up. You know I'm ripe
for a division head. Just help me
make my move. I can't talk
about that now! Oh, over drinks
tonight, then. A drink, fine.
I'll need one later. Great, how's my place,
8:00? They're going to dump me
over this Allenville stock deal. What are you
talking about? I'm dead!
Finished! Jesus, you're serious. Dead serious. We'll talk tonight
at your place. I might need your help. Damn it--I-I don't know
what's the matter with me. I-I've got racquetball
tonight and tomorrow night--
Racquetball? We'll have to reschedule. Call!
Racquetball? You can count on me! I can count on you? [sighs heavily] No one trusts me, Mike. Oh, Al, trust me.
They trust you. I'm too honest for them. You're not that honest. Everyone thinks
I'm an asshole. No, not everyone. Name one person who hasn't
called me an asshole. Just one!
Stedman. Stedman?
That asshole! Name someone with clout! Al, pull yourself
together. Mike, don't shit me. Don't shit a dead man. You're looking
at an insect husk, a whacked-up,
burned-out body shell-- a dead person! Al, it's only Monday. You're talking like
it's already Friday. [sniffing] [helicopter engine noise] Scott Dantley. Colonel Frank Tolliver. Apollo 6, Apollo 16-- and now national sales rep
for Daisy Fresh Toilet Tissue. You've always been a hero, sir. Colonel Tolliver's
going to speak to the prayer breakfast
on God and space. So, uh, what would you say
are the, uh--the, uh-- slap! What are the implications
of the tests, Dr. Hirsch? [buzzing] I only have--
slap! You mean I only have
eight months to live? [buzzing]
Well, are you absolutely-- Is that a certainty?
slap! Okay, thank you. [buzzing] [phone dropping hard] slap! clunk! [loud buzzing] [panting] What the hell are you doing? (Frank)
Put it back! Put it all back down! Down, down, down, down! Down, down! All I know is
what's on the work order. Why are you doing this? Who told you to do this to me? Someone said the guy
who was in here died. Died? Died? Do I look dead, huh? What the hell do you mean,
"died"? Do I? Uh, not to me, sir. This is Jack Issel, sir. Out of my friggin' way! Morning, Frank. thud Jack Issel. Max Landsberger. How you doing? Hi. There's been
a slight screw-up. You won't be starting
with Stedman this morning. I thought I caught him
at a bad time. No problem. Lesson number one:
beware of the furniture movers. When the ax falls, they're
always the first to know. People see them coming,
and they shit. I thought Mr. Stedman
didn't seem too happy. Hell, no,
he just got fired. (Max)
Listen, I got you set up
in P.R. with Howard Gross. Gross is the kind of guy
who really knows how to handle the pressure. This is Howard Gross! I'm 35 years old! I'm the head of this division! I'm not the head of this
division because I'm a moron! I got the head of this division
because I-I-I'm not a moron! Listen, my neck is
on the line here. I'm the one
who's going to determine what is brilliant
or not brilliant! And I'm telling you it's crap! Look, I'm telling-- Listen, listen
to me for a second! I'm not trying
to sell panty hose! It's on my head! I got to convince them
that killing 100,000 jobs and closing down a plant
and moving it to Latin America is not unpatriotic! I got to sell this as being
patriotic as goddamn apple pie! If anybody up there sees this,
I'm going to die. They're going to kill me. [phone buzzing] I got--I got--
the phone's going here! I got to hold!
I got to put you on hold! 35 lines going here! 35 lines
and 35 people looking for me! Hang on for a second!
What? Mr. Yonge's on three. He's just seen the campaign.
He sounds upset. Tell him to hold! Mr. Rayback's on four. He's also seen the campaign. He also sounds upset. Tell Rayback to hold! Your wife's on five
from the hospital. Her father just passed away. Tell my wife to hold. Your mechanic's on six. He wants to talk to you
about your Mercedes. Hey, how you doing, Harv, yeah? Fine, no, I'm great. You guys--you guys are great. You guys are great.
Are you kidding? So is it going
to be ready or what? (Harv)
More than the oil leak-- I'm afraid we'll have to fix
the transmission--$2,500. No, no, no, just the oil.
I just wanted oil. We're talking
maybe $4,000 even. No, no, wait, wait, wait! No, no, I-I-I--you want to come
over and see my driveway? I got no oil in my driveway. What are you talking
about a leak? You guys know of any of this? You bring in car;
you put a little leak in it. The car's got a warranty. [frantic music] They're doing it. They're doing it. (man)
Hi, Frank. I got to see Dantley! He's on his way
to the prayer breakfast. Jesus Christ! You guys are gutless! You guys are--you guys
think you have a monopoly on the whole thing you've got
that dealership there? I bring it in at 15!
I bring it in at 25! I bring it in at 35
for a goddamn oil change! That's under warranty,
that transmission! I'm 35 years old,
a head of a division! I'm going to have
a heart attack trying to pay for this car! Lesson number two: never
volunteer, never confront, never talk to anyone
you can possibly avoid. Hello, Max.
Morning, Bob. Lousy thing
about Stedman. We're doing everything
in our power to save his neck. Let me show you where
your office is, Jack. Excuse me. Stedman's out. I want Xerox copies
of his personal files. Hudson, that's
your first job. Art, I want a list
of his contracts and Rolodex. Rich, I want
his underground parking spot. Get maintenance
to paint my name on it before somebody else
grabs it. Sir--
Anything else? You're late
for your prayer breakfast, sir. I think you've got God in space
this morning, sir. [all laugh] I believe in the Lord God,
mister. If more people
in this company had my faith, we'd not only be
the biggest; we'd also be the best. Amen, sir. Through business and industry-- [man coughing] the Lord God can once again
become a real force in America. American industry is
the cornerstone of moral order. spiritual vitality, and national defense. When I stepped
into your building this morning, I could feel
the spirit of the Lord flowing through these halls. thud! [breathing harshly] (Howard)
What do you want me to say? I've got 35 guys on hold;
I've got too many-- Look, what do you
want me to say? Your father is dead. There's no point in him
being in semi-private. He could be in Yankee Stadium! He doesn't have to be
in semi-private! The man is dead! Of course, the company's
got a policy! That doesn't mean
I'm going to cover for it! I've got 35 lines here!
I can't talk! It wasn't my fault;
I'll call you back. It wasn't my fault;
I'll call you back. It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. (woman)
Hey! Hey. [growling] Was that--
Yeah, Frank. Lesson number four:
the secret to survival is, never make a decision. Never? Never. The minute you do,
you get screwed. I didn't make that decision! I have approved
somebody else's decision! I don't make decisions
like that! Do you know the difference
between decision approval? Call the guy
who made the decision! I just approved it! What are you guys
doing to me? You're killing me up there. I've got $72,000 Mercedes-Benz
that's leaking more oil than---Poland! I've got a dead father-in-law
who's pissed off because he's in semi-private! I got a cat in the hospital
that's costing me $100 a day! You guys are killing me up here! I'm dying here! I'm dying! [pump squeaking] I love this business. So you think you're
executive material, Jack? You mean,
can I play hardball? No, I mean
can you kiss ass? We'd better
get a move on. Gross'll have a heart attack
if you keep him waiting. Look, I'm afraid Mr. Gross
can't make the meeting. [woman on phone]
He can't be that busy. No, I wouldn't exactly call
what Mr. Gross is doing right now as being busy. Well, then what is he? He's dead.
He's dead. Let's make it
after lunch. Well, after lunch is
just as bad. Mr. Gross is dead. He'll still be dead after lunch. Look, Mr. Yonge
will be very upset. Yes, I know Mr. Yonge gets upset when we cancel
business meetings, but Mr. Gross has passed away. Passed away?
Dead? That's right. You mean really dead? No longer alive, correct. Try aspirin-- The man is dead. He's turning green as we speak. He's not going
to make it to lunch. He's not going
to make it to the meeting. If Mr. Yonge wants
to see Mr. Gross that badly, I'll ship Mr. Gross's body
down by internal mail. Oh. Gross screams a lot. You'll get used to him.
Right. You can live with him as long as you lift
your end of the load. Right. Lift. Right. Howard Gross is one of the best
PR men in the business. Been doing a hell of a job
for us for a lot of years. Real pressure player. Son of a bitch,
he looks pretty bad. He's dead, sir. You can call me Max. He's dead, Max. You won't be
starting with Gross. Give me a minute on this. Uh, I'll make a call. [sniffing] Let me and try to set you up
with Mike Hoover. He's got a great future
in this company. They sure dropped a shit load
of power in your lap. Al, I want to talk to you. You were smart, Mike. You picked up that whole
Latin American region last year. Who would have guessed
this--this Allenville move? You lucky son of a bitch! Al, you're the only guy
I can talk to. Well, then walk me down. I'm going to have a little time before the prayer
breakfast meeting. Uh--Mike!
I'm gone! I'm dead. And you don't even understand
the meaning of the word. Dead! Pardon me. (woman)
Hold the elevator. You're actually
physically dying? Eight months. The doctor said
eight months. I just couldn't
believe it. Now, look, Al,
the most important thing is, I don't want you
to tell anybody about this. If any of these guys
find out anything about this, it'll be terrible! Al, my work is all
I have left right now. And I want to keep working
for as long as I can. But if any of these guys
finds out anything about this, they're going to be after my job
like a bunch of vultures. So be sure you don't tell
anybody, all right? Jesus, Mike, I swear
I wouldn't say a word. (Colonel Tolliver)
Social disorder, jobs, homosexuality, racial impurity,
and foreign imports-- Hoover just told me
he had eight months to live. Jesus. What's he got? The whole Latin American
division. I mean what disease? Jesus, I forgot to ask. [applause] Gentlemen, let us pray. Get back!
[panting] The carpets,
they rolled up my carpets! My sink. Ah. "To Frank Stedman
for 15 years of service." A Timex. A goddamned, lousy $22 Timex! [clattering] [watch beeping] Amen. (all)
Amen. Jack, welcome aboard. Thank you, sir. I know your father. Great senator, great American,
outstanding human being. Well, he's managed
to stay out of jail, and we're real proud
about that, sir. [both laughing weakly] You met Howard Gross. Uh, not really. I mean, he, uh, died. He died before I could-- You'll have a new boss
in a few days, Jack. We were planning on moving
Howard out anyway. Move him out. (man)
Yes, sir. Never really had
the heart for the job. God, I love this company. I love the action. I love how it touches you
every minute of every day. Let it down for one second; the entire system will roll
over you like a Mack truck. It's merciless. But when you're up there
in that cab-- [glass shattering] Gripping that wheel,
pedal to the metal, foot to the floor, flat-out
screaming down the highway, wind at your heels,
the entire power of a multinational corporation
pounding under the hood-- Huh! Nothing like it. [air whistling] Nothing in the world. [air whistling] [car honking] Bob, what was Frank Stedman
wearing this morning? An all-blue suit, sir. That's what I thought. My God. Exhilaration of power. That's what we're
all here for, Jack, but you got to have
what it takes. Am I right, Nixon? Absolutely, sir. Stedman. Looks like it. The company's a world
unto itself. The company giveth;
company taketh away. The strong survive;
the weak fall. Jack. We won't be easy on you, but I promise you this. You'll be
a better man for it. Absolutely. Two in one morning. Welcome to the world
of big business. You won't be starting
with Hoover. Rumor is, he'll be dead
in eight months. You'll be starting
in complaints. This is you. It's small,
but it has no window. Eliminates the temptation
to jump. You could always
hang yourself. No way,
the ceiling's too low. Hi, my name's Rabinovich. I'm from St. Louie. I'm just down the hall. I'm new too. Max Landsberger. Jack Issel. Hi. (Hudson)
Well, if it isn't
the senator's son? I bet Daddy had to pull a few
strings to get you in here. I believe it was
a straight cash pay-off. Max Landsberger. Uh, John Hudson. Jack, why don't you take
a few minutes to get settled? I have to make some new
arrangements for you anyway. I'll be back in a flash. Gentlemen. [laughs sheepishly] [dramatic music] This cream developed by
your company to eliminate hair from women's legs is
a crime against women. It's a crime against nature, and we demand its immediate
removal from the market. You--you don't think
women should shave their legs or underarms? Take a look. We are not, and I repeat, not
involved in the underarm issue. You're not involved
in the underarm-- That's the WACPFSMML. WAC-- Women Against
Corporate Promotion of Female Self-Mutilation
Marxist Leninist. I'm going to pass this on
to my superior. (woman)
Pass this on
to your superior, Jack. (man #1)
Do you know what this is,
Mr. Issel? Is this a trick question? This is the liver
of a sperm whale. A subsidiary
of your corporation is killing sperm whales
for this liver. We all represent groups
who are opposed to this murderous action
against God and nature. Child Psychologists for
a Free Poland Against Whaling! (man #2)
Zionism is fascism. Fascism is murder. Murder is whaling. Whaling is Zionism! (all)
Yeah, right. (man #3)
Larry and I were together
for six years. Then your company
gave him a transfer, and they won't give me
his address. This is bad.
This is very, very bad. You know Larry? You're a very unhappy man. You're keeping us apart. I will not let big business play
with people's lives like this! [gunshots ring] You--you slug! [screaming] Larry! I'm looking for someone
in public relations. They sent me down here. They did? My name is Rachael. I'm here to lodge a complaint
against your company. Okay, that's why I'm here. Look, Mr. Issel, I'm not naive. I realize that these complaints
will be filed away somewhere and forgotten. But we will fight
your criminal company in every way that we can. Here, this is
for you, Mr. Issel. thud! Jesus. What--what's the problem? Too much coffee. [clears throat] Anyway, there are 25,000 names
on that petition. That's the population
of Allenville. If your company closes
the Allenville plant, those people will lose
their jobs and their homes. Because your company
can get a bit more profit by moving the plant
to some poor country, where labor is 10 an hour and you guys own
the government. Gosh, you're pretty. [clears throat] Would you like to sit? No, thank you. If INC pulls out,
this town dies, Mr. Issel! Hey, don't yell at me. I just started here
this morning. Would you like a diet Coke? No, thank you. Now, if INC would let
the workers buy the plant and run it themselves,
they could save this town. That sounds very sensible. Hey, listen, I got to tell you. You're the most interesting
and attractive person I've met on this job so far. That's typical. They always dump us
on some little guy who just wants
to make small talk. Hey, wait a minute. This little guy's
going someplace, fella. Oh, where's that, fella? I'm going to lunch at 12:30. Come along,
and we can talk about this Allenville thing. No, thank you. This photocopy of the petition
is for your boss. How about lunch on Tuesday? This pamphlet
outlines the damages that will be done
if the plant closes. I'm free on Wednesday. Good-bye, Mr. Issel. I'm free on Thursday. Thursday--actually,
I'm free right through 2010! (Bob)
Jane, come on.
Can't we do that afterwards? (Jane)
"Howard Gross's tragic death
was not only a personal loss, but a blow to the entire
public relations division." (Bob)
God, can't that wait? (Jane)
No, no, wait a minute. "As former PR head,
I feel qualified to recommend "Jane Caldwell as the new
PR division vice president. "She is a tough-minded,
innovative, aggressive executive." No, I can do better than that. Now what? Just hold it, Bob. "She is a tough-minded,
innovative, aggressive-- [clicking]
team player." Better, right? [cranking noise] "She has a fine intelligence
and a relentless drive-- "with wit and
a unique femininity. "In short, she's the number one
choice for the job. Signed, Bob Nixon."
What do you think? I think you've upset
my concentration. I'll have it typed, and you'll sign it
in the morning. Deal's a deal. All right, all right, all right. Don't be so angry, huh? Scott, this is
Coach Branch Kipp. You've always been a hero,
Coach. You know, two Super Bowl
championships with all white teams is
quite a feat. It helps to have God
in the backfield. Bob Nixon;
my pleasure. How's the Issel kid doing? Good. Promote him. Just started this week. Promote him. We have to make the San Marcos
move sooner than I thought. I want his father in place. I'll move him
into Jane Caldwell's department. What do you think, Jack? It's-- Perfect. Yes, ma'am. God, it's weird. I'm only 29 years old, and I'm already head of public
relations and communications. I must be blessed. You had a little help. Bob, oh, God. Oh, I appreciate all you did. You were fantastic. Why don't I, uh,
drop by your place tonight? Oh, God, I-I-I'm
up to my ears tonight. I-I've got departmental
meetings all week. When, then? When? When, when, when? Let's see; let's s. Uh, when, when, when? How's the, uh-- how's
the first week in September? That's two months from now. Well, I'm up to my ears, Bob. What do you want from me? Well, you are just screwing
your way to the top, aren't you? I wouldn't be much
of an executive if I screwed my way
to the bottom. Would I? Oh, excuse me, sir;
could you tell me-- You!
Sir? Yes, you, mister! Do you work
for this corporation, or are you a messenger? My name's Rabinovich, sir. I'm a new recruit here. You never wear brown shoes with
a blue suit, Mr. Rubenstein. I just--
It's Rabinovich, sir. You never, ever, ever hold
your glasses together with tape and a paper clip,
Mr. Rosenberg! I did this because--
It's Rabinovich, sir. Glasses now! Now, now, now!
Glasses! You have them fixed
by a licensed optometrist. Shoe, shoe, shoe, shoes! Black only
in this corporation. clap! Mr. Robenstein. Is that for me? It's just a complaint. By the way, you've been promoted to Executive Assistant
Vice President of External Information
and Public Affairs. This is just my first week. Well, then you must have
good friends upstairs. But don't get too excited. It's the same job with 10%
more salary and 90% more title. What is the Allenville 25,000? Oh, that's the population
of the whole town. We're closing the plant. So? Well, I just thought
maybe we should consider the impact on the community. Fine. Write up a report. Write up a report? [peppy electric guitar music] [car honking] (Rachael)
Don't let them close Allenville! Help keep American jobs
at home! INC is working
against the interests of the American people. They're moving their plants
to the Third World, where labor's cheaper. Don't let them close--oh! Nice move. Oh, God. Hey, Rachael. Still protesting, huh? You're really into this. Sorry, I got mustard
on your suit. And I ordered this suit
ketchup-only. That's okay. That's fine. How've you been? Fine. Don't let INC
close Allenville. Save Allenville. You eat here often? [saxophone music] Food's not great,
but I like it. Save Allenville.
Because it's quiet! You can talk! Ma'am, save Allenville. Did you decide
about our lunch? Look, you don't get it,
do you? I don't like you! O-oh. I don't like your company. I don't like what
any of you people stand for. I-I don't stand
for anything. Oh, that's great.
That's great. That's something
to be proud of. No, no, no, I mean
I don't stand for anything you think I stand for. I stand for other things. Oh, so what do you
stand for? Well, honor and truth
and great sex. And air-conditioning-- and life after death. I'm in favor of life after death
with air-conditioning. Betting?
Yeah. I hope your friend knows
how to play like him. He doesn't have to. Graduated first at M.I.T.,
IQ of about 10,000. That's INC's new fair-haired
boy, and they know it. [thrilling synthesizer music] [grunts] [groans] [laughing] Come on. [groans] You okay, Conan? No sweat. [groans] Eight-zip.
[laughing] Come on; come on! Are you okay? I just never played
full-contact racquetball before. Come on! You'll be okay. Come on.
Let's get these guys. [laughing] Banzai! [grunts] Damn it. All right! [laughing] Shit! Jeez, how did you miss that? Damn! Come on; come on! 15-12. All right! Game and match. Well, we beat 'em. But we suffered. You suffered. We beat 'em. What are you doing? I'm working. You're--you're bleeding
is what you're doing. Excuse me. It's 10:00 at night. You should be bleeding
on your own time. There are a few things I have
to clear up before tomorrow. [chuckling] I can't believe the man's
total devotion to his work. [sighs] To Rabinovich and Issel, forever victorious,
forever bold. Look, they're just
a few columns I have to add up before tomorrow, okay? Look at your commitment. I went through college
and business school with someone else's notes
and a Xerox machine. I Xerox my way through life,
Ranovich. [sighs] Do the minimum;
keep your old man off your back. Take the glorious path
of least resistance. That's me. Sounds all right
if you can pull it off. It scares the shit
out of me to think I'm going to be
an executive here at 50. It scares the shit
out of me to think I won't be an executive
here at 50. Can I help you? They said you'd have
my business cards up here. The name's Hudson. John Hudson. Let me check. Whose are these? Those are Mr. Rabinovich's. Yours aren't here yet. What's all this about? Somebody fired? No, they moved Jack Issel
up here from 29. This is
the vice presidents' floor. He got a promotion. In one week? In one goddamn week? That's right. This is too great. I don't understand this
at all. This is very strange. Lesson number 23: don't try
and figure them out. If they give you something,
go for it. Absolutely. Mr. Rabinovich. [sexy music] Uh, two more luncheon specials
over here, please, out here! Thanks. Two more here also! [laughing] How's it going? What happened? They fired him
this morning. Shoot my brains out. Quicker--that'll be quicker. No problem for anybody--bang--
[snaps fingers] Apparently a letter with
his card enclosed was dropped at the office of a Saudi company
we do a lot of business with. It said that INC wouldn't
boycott the Israelis and that the Saudis
could go screw themselves. What? Well, the sheik freaked. Dantley had
to get down and kiss a whole lot of Saudi ass
to cool them out. And they insisted
Rabinovich be fired. Who the hell would have put
Rabinovich's card-- It's no longer an issue, man. Don't get involved
if you want to survive. [determined synthesizer music] Coffee, coffee, coffee! Now, now, now! Move your goddamn ass! Allow me. Your coffee, sir, courtesy of Rabinovich. This is from me. [clattering] He'll need some cream
and sugar. "Department: Public Relations." [keys clacking] "Subject: Allenville." This is word-processing
input unit 1205 amp. Public Relations room 417,
Jack Issel. "Proposal: Cooperative
plant ownership. "Objective--
[keys clacking] "Save the community,
enhance INC image "as 'the company
who cares about people.'" Right there; look. (man)
"Cooperative plant ownership?" That does sound like some sort
of communist thing to me. What did I tell you? [ominous music] Are you Jack Issel? Yeah. Security check. Clear the files. Hey, what are you doing? Bag everything. Want to tell me what's going on? What the hell is this? It looks like a print-out
of my Allenville report. You would have
the workers controlling the means of production. And that is anti-profit,
which is anti-business, which is anti-INC International, which is anti-American, which is anti-Christian, which is anti-life, and pro-abortions. Hey, it was just a suggestion. A suggestion? What do you think? If I had my way,
I would take you people into the street
and have you shot. Shot? Photos! [flash popping] So how's the work going, Jack? (Jack)
Work?
Fine. Good. Very good. Did security
run a check on you? Well, that's what
they called it, sir. Very intense sentiments. Well, security's
an intense profession. Jack, think they're
a bit trigger-happy? They thought some Allenville
report you wrote was subversive. I straightened them out. My God, your father's
a U.S. senator. I'm sure it was all just some
silly miscommunication, right? I only thought that
if we could somehow find a way to help save the town,
we could really show we were the company that cares. Like our TV ad says,
it's good PR. TV isn't real life.
Is it, Bob? Oh, absolutely not real life,
sir--except perhaps the news. And shows like Real People. [laughs]
Those Amazing Animals
are very real, sir. (Dantley)
I disagree. I think they set
those animals up. I agree with you. Jack. We want Allenville
to go down the tubes. Down the tubes, sir? We want to lose our investment. The plant appreciation
allowance nets us millions in tax refunds
if that town dies. By the way,
I hear Hoover's dying. What's he got? No one knows. He's being very tight-assed
about the thing, sir. How do you think
we should handle it? With this new push
into Latin America, I doubt he can handle the whole
division in his condition-- [laughs]
To be honest. Couldn't have handled it
while he was alive. Mm, he's not dead yet. Right, Jack? No, sir. Oh, you know
what I mean, sir. In terms of company
operating procedure, he's de facto dead. [sizzling] People are looking at me
like I'm already dead. You told them, didn't you, Al? Not a word. I swear
on my mother's grave. [sniffling] If I'm lying,
my wife and kids should be tortured
and killed today. I'm ready to step in
when he dies. If he doesn't die? Oh, I'm confident
he will, sir. What do you think, Jack? [laughing] Why don't you
just kill him, sir? [laughing] No.
No. I told you to go
out there and listen to what those protesters
had to say! Not make some--
some lunatic suggestion-- [clicking] Using my computer key. That could have destroyed
everything I worked for in this company and--and take me
right back to the steno pool. [toilet flushing] Jane, I hope we understand
each other. If anyone finds out
about this, I'm dead. Hi. Hi. Jane. What are you two doing here? Isn't this my office? That's funny. I was in my office
in my bathroom, and now I'm here in her office. This is the sort of thing
I hear that happens to people under stress. How weird. I've been under a lot
of pressure lately. [door opening and shutting] Zip this up for me. Yes, ma'am. This kind's easy
to get off but a bugger
to get on. Yeah, you got a lot
of hair here. You think I'm
an A-1 bitch, huh? No, ma'am. [zipping noise] You know, we're all
the same up here. Except they call the men tough,
and the women bitches or worse. What's your opinion? I think you're--very-- Don't fall for it, Jack. No, ma'am. For what? Don't fall for the lie
we tell ourselves. We're only doing the dirty stuff
to get the power. It'll give us the freedom to do all the good things
we really want. And you get the power,
and you can't goddamn remember what it was you wanted the
freedom for in the first place. [footsteps and door shutting] Looks like you need someone. Looks like you
could use somebody. [synthesized pop music] What are you
listening to? Dylan. Don't you think that you
already said enough, or does your mouth
never stop? Look at these. Where'd you get this? (Max)
Over there. She was handing them out
by the door. Where is she? I guess she's gone. Sorry, man. There's something
deep inside that says love me forever. It's a sad but natural fact. It's just a waste of time. Yeah, I was at the park. I'll see you later. Yeah, right. Hi. Are you really handing these
things out on a Saturday night? Are you following me? Yes, I'm following you. I thought of everything
you said and everything
you stand for, and I want to dance
with you. It's really nothing personal. I just--I don't dance
with company men. I'm not a company man. I'm going to be fired
any day. I really don't want to. Yet another cigarette, hoping this one
helps you to forget this thing
I'm remembering. Hey, do you realize
you're dancing with a new corporate
vice president? You did it, man. He just got promoted yesterday. Promoted? Just a second ago, you told me
you were going to be fired! I can explain that. You see, it's just a temporary
promotion until I'm fired. You're not going to do that. You're not going to-- You did it. Thank you. No, no! You're going to die. [screaming] What do you think,
Jack? Perfect. Perfect. That's perfect. This is perfect. I'm perfect. [exhaling slowly] (Max)
Since the 1984 oil discovery
in New Guinea, we have sold
the Buclais hill tribesmen 12 of our S-24 Skywolf
super-pursuit fighters at $21 million per unit. That's $252 million. This has started a local
arms race between the Buclais and their local neighbors,
the Klaclais. Now, the Klaclais also happen
to be sitting on quite a large amount
of oil. And the Klaclais
now want to buy 20 of our new S-24 Slash X-ray
ultra-pursuit fighters for $480 million. What are the chances
of a war between them? Very good, sir. Our spare-parts-replacement
contracts could be very lucrative. Who trains
their flight personnel? Well, as near
as we can assess it, um, they don't
actually fly the planes. They--they sort of
roll them downhills, crashing them
into each other. Personally, I think
it's a shameful waste of incredible kill power. Make the deal. (both)
Absolutely. Next! Mr. Chairman, we are
a company on the move. I have two mega stocks and a super promotional idea
that can bring INC $500 million to $1 billion
in gross revenues! That is not about white power! Nor is it about black power! It is about green power! Money! M-O-N-E-Y! We're talking
about geometric progression. 1, 2, 4, 8, 16! The numbers boggle the mind! So in conclusion, all we have to do is
to get off the dime and put the show on the road! Thank you very much. Next. Arthur W. Harris,
969 Columbus Avenue, security guard,
unemployed, single unit, baby blue princess model,
three months overdue on a balance of $188.64. Huh, disconnect. Why does Mr. Helmes review
individual phone bills? He feels it keeps him
in touch with the people. (Bob)
Unemployed,
wall unit, push-button, black 25-foot flexi-cord, 10 weeks over-- Not him again? Ten weeks overdue
on a balance of $154.88. Disconnect. He does claim the check is
in the mail, sir. We own the goddamn mail service. I know what's in it
and what's not! And his check is not in my mail! Disconnect. Next. We're all set to close
Allenville, um-- Friday. Expect any trouble down there? Nothing to speak of. TV cameras and the handful
of the usual protesters. Maybe we ought to send
somebody down there to tell our side of the story. [clinking and rolling] [clinking] Exactly what is our side
of the Allenville story? We're losing money
hand over fist. That's not true. No, but it's our side
of the story. Lesson number 47: there are
no truths, only stories. Just let me do the talking. [clicking] [inhaling sharply] [sniffling and exhaling] Yeah. Max. Do you ever think
there's something profoundly wrong with the world when a company like ours
produces hair removal cream and nuclear warheads? [inhaling sharply] No. [exhaling deeply] [new wave music playing] (Max)
Sal, you want a hit? (Sal)
No, thanks, sir. I'm getting a pretty good
contact high as is. (man)
I'm Pilate and Jesus. (Max)
Uh, Sal, Sal, isn't that the Allenville exit
we just passed? I think you're
right, sir. Yeah, it said Allenville,
you know? Uh, I have
a plan, sir. I can go to the next exit;
whip around. Eh, it'd be no problem,
I think. Great. Uh, Sal, keep your eye
on the road. Great. (man)
I once hid my lust
for stardom like a filthy-- Hey, Sal, look,
isn't this the Allenville exit coming up here again? Sal, uh-- Sir, sir, I think
that was it again. Yeah, I think so, man,
because, you know, it just said Allenville. I could back up, sir. Uh, no, no. Don't do-- I could back up. No, it's a bad idea. No, it's cool. Sir, sir, I could--
I could U-ey right here. No, no,
that's okay, Sal. There's not--
we're only a half hour late. It's no problem. [both snorting and giggling] [jeers] This is death. Let's get the hell
out of here. Jack, where are you--
Jack, what are you doing? Jack! Max, this is a very big
turn-out here for us. Jack, get back in the car. Get back in the ca-- Sal.
Yes, sir? Keep the motor running. Uh, I'm not going
to do that, sir. It could heat up. Sal, do me a favor. Sir?
Don't call me, sir. These people are going
to think I'm in charge. Call me Max. Max.
Max. No problem, Max. [jeers] (man)
Are you from
the Allenville office? Yes.
No, no. Did you people expect
this sort of reaction? It's amazing. Actually, we expected
people to be upset, but we're not anticipating
any trouble. [glass shattering] What'd I do? Well, well, you guys
finally did it. "The company who cares
about people," right? Most of these people
will be on unemployment, because there are
no other jobs in town. And when that fails,
it's welfare for the lucky ones
who qualify. Is it true that this plant
is still a viable operation and that INC's relocating it
to Central America because the labor
is cheaper there? I think so.
No. [man on TV]
Is it true that INC stands to gain more in tax write-offs if the plant fails than if it operates
at a moderate profit? I-I think so. You think so? You think so? You're there to deny that shit. Jack. Doesn't INC have
a moral responsibility to these workers
to keep this plant and these jobs
in the U.S.? Jack! Uh, moral responsibility? Is that Jack? You haven't answered
my question. Jesus Christ, it is Jack. Does INC have a responsibility
to keep this town working? [glass shattering] (Max)
Jack! In business school,
we learned that the main goal of corporations is
to maximize profits and survive. So, uh, they act
in their own self-interest. He hasn't been well! Self-interest? What is the goddamned idiot
talking about? What'd that goddamn
son of a bitch say? You're related to Senator
Jack Issel, right? No. Yes, I am.
Son of a bitch. I'm his son. Lying goddamn bastard. You people crazy?
I'm taking names. Get out of here.
Look at what you're doing here. This is marked up.
It's a new paint job. So INC has no responsibility
to these people? Jack! INC operates purely
in a profit motive. Jack. Pure self-interest, then? Absolutely. Thank you. We should kill the bastard
that sent that moron out there. [boisterous yelling] [clattering and shattering] In the old days,
I'd have had that son of a bitch in cement and dumped
into the river before you can say,
"Henry Ford." Unfortunately, these are
the post-Watergate '80s. Well, then shoot him. Not a wise idea, sir. I'm one of the most
powerful men in the world. And if I can't
have someone shot, then what the hell does
it mean to have power anymore? We don't want to alienate
his father at this point, sir. Fire the commie! But get him out
of my company! [synthesizer music] (man)
Deep in the night -- That limo cost $75,000. Damn it, Jack. We went out there to tell them
our side of the story. We didn't go out there
to tell them the truth. They're going to have my ass. Thanks, honey. [kissing noise] Come on. Okay! Yeah.
Yeah. See you later. Take care, man. Sorry about the car. [laughing] I love you. I know you do. I love you too. [thunder rumbling and cracking] Perfect. Perfect. Okay, you're going that way. I'm going this way. You okay? Get serious. You okay? Lesson number 59-- You're okay. Take off, Durango! See you tomorrow. So long, Maxie. [laughing]
So long, Jack. [thunder rumbling] Hmm. Am I okay? [snorts] [groans] [Jack singing] I'll never work again. Because I'm fired. And they're going
to kill me. And then I'll be dead. How little we understand what touches
that tingle -- I don't remember you
at the bar. I don't even know
your name. I never do this. Hey. I know that face. Come on; let me get you out
of these wet clothes. I'm probably just another
cheap pick-up to you-- another great-looking
piece of beefcake. [laughs] Another USDA
prime rib roast. You know, if I had
any respect for myself, I'd walk right out
that door. Wait a minute. This is my place. [grunts] [jazzy romantic music] Sorry. (Max)
Lesson number one, Jack. Beware of the furniture movers. People see them coming,
and they shit. We want all the wallpaper,
the carpet, and the upholstery redone. [phones ringing
and people talking] Corporations have as much power over our lives
as the government. But we can't vote them out
if we think they don't represent
the public interests. Corporations don't have to tell
us why they do what they do. That's a fact of American life. But yesterday, INC
International broke the rule. When asked why they closed
their Allenville plant, INC International
spokesman Jack Issel didn't peddle
some PR sob story. He told the truth. Corporations act
in their own self-interest. Like it or not, that's a fact
of life in the free world. And Mr. Issel had
the guts to say it. For that, this reporter
gives INC International 10 out of 10 for honesty. It's the same
on all the stations. He's like a national hero. Bring him to me. You just fired him. I'll tell you, Jack. This stuff's going
to look pretty shabby in your new office. I'll get you a decorator. I thought I was fired. Fired?
No, no. Mr. Helmes is
very impressed with the way you handled those TV people. He'd like to see you
at his house on Sunday. (Max)
I came on over,
and he's hanging here in the middle of the room. I think you found a home
for yourself here, Jack. They're cutting him
down now. Prime spot for Allenville
is San Marcos. Cheap labor, cheap
and plentiful resources. Only one hitch. Telecorp International
has President Sanchez in their pocket and don't want
any competition from us. We're locked out. Not if we get
to General Sepulveda. He's Sanchez's right-hand man,
hungry for the top spot. You're talking
about a coup, sir. A coup.
[laughs] I'm simply saying that
we replace a general sympathetic to Telecorp's needs with one
sympathetic to our needs. That is not a coup. It's just a realignment
of American interests abroad. I think we want Washington
with us if things flare up. Well, then we must meet
with Senator Issel. You know, it wouldn't hurt
to tie his boy in right from the top. (Jack)
What goes on at these prayer
breakfasts? These guys fly in on helicopters
and make speeches. We pray to the gods. Who are thgods? The gods of greed,
the gods of money, the volcano god,
the tree god. Max, do you think I'm doing
the right thing here? You know, I heard the Japanese
are working on a micro orgasm. They keep promoting me. I don't do anything! It's revolutionary. Soon you'll be able to have
group sex on a silicon chip no bigger than my fingernail. Max, you're not
taking me seriously. This place is
totally bananas. Any reasonable, normal person
would have quit a long time ago. That's what worries me. Relax, man. What are you
worried about? Helmes has got
his eye on you. You're in line
for another big promotion. Yeah, as soon
as someone drops dead or jumps, or maybe I'm supposed
to pull the trigger myself. They're really doing it
up there, Max. And for what? For money and power, Jack. It's the American way. Lesson number 79:
when the tough get going, the weak get screwed. I can't play it like that. It's the only way
to play it, Jack. What about you? You're not like
the rest of them. How do you survive it? I just go with the flow. I flipped out years ago. I only look sane. The secret is,
you got to be crazy to maintain your sanity
up here. But you're sane, Jack. And that's exactly why
you're going crazy. [yelling in German] Helmes invited me
to his house. The house. Tremendous. Max, I feel like
I'm being pushed around in some insane game. Stop complaining. You keep getting pushed up when everybody else
gets pushed down. [yelling in German] Max, this man
is talking in German. I never listen
to these guys anyway. [yelling in German] [applause] I hope you'll come back
for visits. It'll be deathly quiet
around here without you. Shit, Albert, I can't come back
to this life anymore. I'll miss that. Miss what? "Shit, Albert." You're the only one
in the family who ever talked to me
like that. Yeah, I'll miss you too,
but I got to get out of here. My father,
he thinks I'm insane. You know, he would love to have
me put away in some asylum just because I don't think
like he does. Do you know that
he virtually refuses to admit I even exist anymore? [doorbell rings] Going to get
my junk together. (Helmes)
These are perfect
instruments, Jack. Stradivariuses run,
oh, $300,000 to well over a million dollars
apiece. Here, hold that one. Feel the quality. It almost pulsates,
doesn't it? I've never been this close
to one before, sir. Do you like, uh,
good music? Oh, yes, sir. So do I. [Dvorak's Humoresque] [clattering] Ow, ow! [splintering noise] Oh, my God. Look, I-I'm really sorry. smash! Another Stradivarius. These are not
Stradivariuses, Jack. These are Polyvariuses,
perfect polyurethane copies. We begin mass production
in the fall. It sounds like
a Stradivarius. It looks like
a Stradivarius. It smells-- [sniffing] Like a Stradivarius. And at $49.95, that is one
hell of a saving for the public. Perfection! That's what
we're after, Jack. [clattering] [strings twanging] We're doing God's work, son. [ominous music] The Third World, Jack,
the last frontier. That's where
the Allenville plant is going. The corporation
that controls the Third World in the next century, Jack,
controls the globe. Think of that. One-world economy under INC. One corporation under God. One moral, spiritual,
economic unity. Sounds like very big stuff, sir. Very big stuff, Jack. San Marcos' ruling
democratic party. This is General Sanchez. He lacks vision. This is General Sepulveda. He has vision. I want you to meet
with Sepulveda. Me? They're touring
the United States this week, meeting business leaders. You're invited to a reception
at their consulate. Sir, why me? I'm terrible with generals. Instinct, Jack. My nose tells me
you are ripe for this. [cars honking] This the new car, Sal? Yes, sir. $84,000. Nothing's going to happen
to this one, sir. Bulletproof glass,
reinforced steel beams, quadraphonic sound. I just got
the new Julio Iglesias tape. Want to hear it? Uh, not right now, Sal. That case is for you, sir. It's supposed to be delivered
to a General Sepulveda. You know where
their consulate is, Sal? [tires screeching] That's it right there, sir. This is our office. Yes, sir. You mean, their consulate
is in our building? That's right, sir. They rent two floors,
the fourth and the 109th. They're always on the elevators. I'm going to take you
around the corner, sir. Drop you off out front. [people jeering] Wait for me here, Sal? I don't think so, sir. I'm going to go have
a slice of pizza. I'll meet you on the other side
of the building. I want to park this
where it's safe. [people jeering] I think you owe me
an explanation. Oh, Old Blue Eyes
is back. What were you doing
in Helmes' house? He's my father. He's your father. You're Helmes' daughter. That's--that's perfect.
That's perfect. You've been a company man
all along, Jack. You march around here like one
of the oppressed masses when your old man's
worth 80 zillion bucks. At least--at least
I'm not pretending to be somebody I'm not. I rejected the money. Besides, I don't have
to justify my life to someone who's dressed
like Wayne Newton. This is crazy. This is escalating
way out of control. Hold on a second.
Wait a minute. This invitation's for two. You think I'm going to go up
there with you and have dinner? Your company is upstairs
there tonight entertaining General Sanchez
and his pack of murderers. And you expect me
to go up there? You can protest down here
until you're blue in the face, or you can find out what's
really going on up there in the belly of the beast. I can't go up there
with you. No guts, huh?
No clothes. If you're afraid,
I'll understand. Afraid? Wait a minute. What are you doing? I think I can make
this work. Come on.
Come on. What--what is this? Stand here. Turn around. Turn around. Oh, no. Here, hold this. [laughing] I don't believe--I don't believe
you're doing this. That. You look great. [synthesizer music] [applause] Now, ladies and gentlemen,
INC Defense Industries proudly presents
their new line of small arms for what could be a very, very
hot summer in Central America. Hey, let's meet Chuck,
shall we? Cool and dry in his green-tree
camo fatigues. Chuck tracks terrorists
by night with his 9 millimeter
silence DK assault rifle. Now, here's Johnny. But don't get too close,
because Johnny's equipped with the incredible secret Uzi
9 millimeter freeze gun. [camera clicking] A very nasty terrorist
problem in San Marcos. The army had the guns, we might be able
to stop the killing. And it's a bitch of a problem,
isn't it, Jack? Well, actually,
I've been reading that it's the army that's
doing most of the killing. Huh. Jack, the army's been
busting its ass to eliminate the murder and the torture and the human rights
violations down there. (Dantley)
Left-wing terrorists
fire-bombed our 26th Mr. Chicken franchise
just yesterday. The Marxists are denying
the people of Latin America their right to eat Mr. Chicken. And they're denying
Mr. Chicken his human right to franchise, make a profit. I sure as hell don't want some
made-in-Moscow Mr. Cabbage Roll shoved down my throat
against my will. (Bob)
Absolutely. Those peasants deserve
the dignity and human right to eat Mr. Chicken when
and where they please. (Helmes)
And, Jack. When that right is threatened in the western hemisphere, it becomes
a national security issue for the United States
of America. We're talking
of the very survival of the entire concept of internationally
franchised chicken, Jack. We've got work to do. [applause] (man)
And now, ladies and gentlemen, a toast from General Sanchez. Totalitarianism, no! Authoritarianism, si! (all)
Totalitarianism, no! Authoritarianism, si! I enjoyed your company's
little fashion show, seor. Now business, huh? Very nice, huh? Just like a big drug deal,
huh, seor? [laughing] Drug deal. [gasps] I was joking, seor. [laughing] It was a joke, huh? I never dealt dope in my life! That freighter off Miami,
I-I knew nothing. I-I didn't say-- You think you can buy us
just like that, huh? You and your
self-righteous democracy. You have democracy,
my little friend, because you are rich, huh? You can afford both
the Mercedes and the free press. We in San Marcos
are poor, seor. We can afford only one--
the Mercedes. [snickering] [door opening] [gasping] Ella estaba sacando fotos! What? Put that back! [yelping] [groaning] thud! This is no time
for foolish heroics, seor. This is business. Jackthey've got guns. [snaps fingers]
The money. Just give him the money. Don't worry. This is--this is
the United States of America. Nobody's going
to shoot anybody in the middle of downtown.
Shoot them. [machine gun fire] The money, seor. Oh, I'm glad you two
are all right. Uh, Jack, give the general
his money. His money? Let me talk to him for a moment,
General. Jack, I'm afraid you're
in a tight spot here. Wha--what do you mean? Even though this is
our building, this is
their embassy floor. They're not subject
to our laws here. And they're trigger-happy. We're dealing with a race
of people who just don't put the same price
on human life as we do. But I've got you
off the hook. What the hell are you
talking about? General Sanchez and I
have decided that we can do business
together after all. You could have
stopped all this. It's always good to show
these people just how far you're willing to go. Makes them nervous;
gives us negotiating leverage. Now, what do you say,
the money? I say you two guys are two of the biggest assholes
I've ever met. You're way out of line,
mister. Jack. This is a very complicated
foreign policy issue. I call it complicated
horseshit, sir. You just want to buy
yourself a country like it was a stolen TV set. Then you launder the hot goods
through something you call foreign policy. [laughs]
My God. America's a democracy. We're not some international
fried chicken chain. Give me the money, Jack. thwack! Let's get the hell
out of here. Oh, my God! Push! Oh, come on. Push harder! You try it! There! I loosened it. (Sanchez)
Stop them! [machine gun fire] (man)
We have a security breach
on 109. (Helmes)
Jack, this is Mr. Helmes! Drop the money, and nothing
will happen to you! (Rachael)
All they want is their money! Just drop it! I'm not dropping
$2 million in cash. They're in the staSewells. (man)
Hold it there! God, this place is insane. [computer rattling] They're on the executive floors. [elevator bell ringing] In there. [Jane gasping] Oh, God. [gunshots] [bell ringing] Issel's gone.
I want his division. Xerox his files.
Get his Rolodex. Copy his computer tapes. Hudson, you can have
his parking space. Thank you, sir. [machine gun fire] There are two unidentified
objects in stairwell 69D. Sex without emotional content
is a hollow, empty experience. [gunfire and screaming] [gunshot] [woman on phone]
This phone is no longer
in service. Oh, God, what are you doing
with that gun? I just shot a phone. I don'believe this.
I can't believe this! Typical male response. They shoot at you;
you shoot at them. The violence just escalates
and escalates! Well, buddy, I am not having
anything to do with this. No way; you are incredible. My gun. [machine gun fire and screaming] [glass shattering] Ow! Pretty nice, huh? You want to sit in it? You want to sit in it? No, that's okay. I got the latest
Julio Iglesias tape. [laughing] Manhattan Transfer? ABBA?
You like ABBA? Don Ho? In here!
Come on! [male computer voice]
Storage area has been breached. They're on the storage floor. Freeze! [exhaling sharply] Don't turn around. [laughing] I told you not to turn around. [screaming] Oh, God.
Oh, God. [yelling and gun firing] There they are! [gunfire] Where'd they go? (Jack)
Oh, boy. No brakes. Big problem.
Oh, shit! Jump!
Jump! [glass shattering] Holy shit. [air whistling] [metal crunching
and horn blaring] You know what I mean? (Rachael)
Look out! (Jack)
Max! [dogs barking] Run, Jack, run! [growling and barking] I'll call you in the morning! Oh, my tape,
my Julio Iglesias tape--ruined. [horn blaring] Where are we going? Just follow me. Where are we going? (woman)
Free San Marcos! Anything will help. We'll take, uh,
checks or cash. Oh, this is cash--
from INC-- From Mr. Helmes himself. (Jack)
There were a few changes at INC after the night of the generals. (Senator Issel)
Are you now, or have you ever
been a member of the Communist Party? Of--of course not, you idiot! Then why did your company
contribute over $2 million to a Central American
organization-- I'm a Christian. I'm a businessman. I refuse to recognize
this illegal committee! (Jack)
Chairman Helmes was forced
to resign from the company due to suspected
communist activities and mental incapacity. This left Rachael
in control of 780,000 shares of her father's INC stock. This--
[chuckling] Really happened? [both laughing] It did. Wow. God can be a great guy. Hey, don't you have
to get to work? Oh, my God. God can also throw
some heavy curves. Sal, wasn't that
our building you just passed? Yes, sir, I have a plan, sir. I'm going to hang a louie
at the Prudential Building. Then I'm going to circle around. Go between Marina Towers. I'm going to dive,
dive right between 'em. Down Michigan, then turn right. We'll pass Marshall Field's. We can check out the windows. I hear they got a big sale. Then I come up
on our building from behind. It's going to be great. (Jack)
Whatever you say, Sal. Copyright: 2004
Home Box Office, Inc. Captioning by CaptionMax
(man)
Late at night, I can't wait
to close my eyes. Because there's a chance you might come into my life. If it's only for a moment, I just can't bear the thought of you
not there. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. I can almost feel you
in my dreams. Day--day dreamer, always on my mind. Dream believer, you're so hard to find. If it's only for a moment, I just don't care. I see you everywhere. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. I can almost feel you
in my dreams. [male vocals] (man)
Late at night, I can't wait
to close my eyes. Because there's a chance I might come to realize. If I can sleep forever, our love will die. Sometimes I wonder why you're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. I can almost feel you
in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. I can almost feel you
in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. You're in my dreams. Surreal, surreal. I can almost feel you
in my dreams.