Hearts of the West (1975) Movie Script
Okay, Morty, you're set?
Alright, settle down, people, please.
Please.
Okay, let's make one.
Roll it.
Lewis tater test, take one.
Alright, tater, come in.
Come in!
You didn't say action.
God.
Alright, I'll say action.
Action!
Walk over to Bernie.
Draw, Feebers.
Get up, Bernie.
Bang, bang.
Okay, now, Lewis, put the guns back
and walk forward to the chalk Mark.
Okay, now, walk... watch the chalk Mark.
That's right.
Look right into the lens.
Now take your hat off, tater.
Okay, now turn to the right.
Now turn to the left.
Now very slowly put the hat back on.
Alright, now turn to us.
Give me a real rugged gunfighter smile.
Cut.
Print it.
"The kid whirled and shot"...
Fired.
Whirled and fired...
"whirled and fired everything
he had at the phantom riders."
"On they road, the kid"...
A Colt...
That's it...
"a Colt in either hamlike fist..."
"Scattered lead...
"At the retreating...
Dust."
"Scattered lead at the retreating dust."
"Again, Dean bender himself
has asked me to convey
"his Sincere desire that you, too,
"through self-study
in the privacy of your own home
"may someday saddle up
"and join its distinguished alumni,
"many of whom make up to $8,000 a year.
"The Dean has also asked me to remind you
"that a $25 remittance...
Cash, stamps, or money order...
"will assure you a place
"in our corral
of first semester home-learners.
Welcome, partner."
"Signed..."
"James Stokes, registrar."
Read that part again
about the silver-veined mountains.
"Located in titan, Nevada,
at the foot of the beautiful
"silver-veined shoshone mountains,
"the university of titan
correspondence school division
"is pleased to announce
acceptance of your application
"to study by mail
with America's select fraternity
of western writers."
Every time a man gets something together,
there's another fella
just as ready to take it away from him.
I want to know what this means.
It means instead of mailing
my lessons in,
I'm gonna take my crop money
out to titan and sign up.
Maybe hang around the campus
for a while, study there,
see what the real west is like.
It's what I want to do.
I've figured it all out.
I have.
Hello?
Hello?
I've got ears. You don't have to holler.
I want to know where I am.
Titan, n-e-v... short for Nevada.
Over there... California.
I thought since there wasn't any horses
or anything really western
that maybe I didn't come far enough.
However, I did notice your
buffalo head you got up there.
Still see many of them around, do you?
I ain't never seen one in my life.
There ain't been a buffalo
around here since the turn.
Some fancy mover left that thing
in the freight room
18 years ago.
Anyhow, I'm lookin' for Dean bender.
You got any idea
how many old farts there are
runnin' around up there?
Yeah, but he's...
I told ya, I didn't know him!
I have a letter saying
the university of titan...
You want the university.
Well, hell, you can see it from here.
You can? Funny, I didn't notice it.
Not over there... here.
Boxes 17 to 24.
That's a school?
Be a tight squeeze gettin' ya
in there, wouldn't it, Sonny?
They told me there was
a university out here,
damn it... nestled at the foot
of the silver-veined shoshone mountains.
Dean bender himself
wrote the letter personally...
You get your claws off there.
This whole thing
is protected by the government.
You want some federal people comin',
crawlin' all over your ass?!
Listen, I'm gonna level with you.
This thing you're after
is really a post-office box.
Once a week, two guys come
in here and pick up the mail,
and there ain't no university...
Not around here there ain't.
What you'd better do is go on home.
You got a lot to learn.
Hey...
Anybody else get off the train?
Just me and an old couple.
The woman had a blue dress on
with polka dots.
The man...
60, 65 years of age, moon-faced,
wore a dark suit and brown soiled shoes.
A man in my line gets paid
to notice details like that.
What kind of line are ya in?
I'm a writer.
I come here to get a firsthand
look at the west and study.
A lot of writers get rejected
simply because they don't have
enough experience
with the material they're workin' with.
You can't take things out
if you don't put them in.
Most of the good stuff I do
comes out of times just like this.
There's no such thing
as wasted time for a writer.
He's always thinking.
I'll just sit here and think.
I mentioned that I'm a writer, didn't I?
Generally I make it a point
not to talk too much.
Maybe it's the climate.
I like new climates.
New things help the imagination.
Right now, for instance...
Maybe I see a guy comin' in here
with a long whip...
Real character.
I figure the west
is full of interesting people.
It's easy to make 'em up.
Anyway, that is the start of
a damn good yarn right there...
A guy with a whip.
Somethin' like that could be
worth money, don't ya think?
Yeah?
In a minute.
Alright.
Remind me to put "no stamps accepted"
in the next ad.
You want to know something personal?
What I want is some assistance.
The door.
Who's the new guest in the lobby?
Some poor farmer
your phony-baloney ad suckered out here.
He thinks there's really a college.
The ad said it was
a correspondence school.
It didn't say come out here.
Pathetic.
It takes all kinds.
Now, look, we pay you
to go down to the station
to ferret out
incoming postal authorities,
not set up a traveler's aid
for wandering farm boys.
I better check on him.
These postal people are trained.
Sure he's got a whip alright.
Dandy.
He knows how to use it, too.
You can tell it from his eyes, easy...
A sure tip-off.
Dangerous man, killer, bullwhacker.
God, he takes that thing and...
Whack!
Whammo!
Takes it and... crack!
Crack!
Crack!
I was just acting out that story
I was telling you about.
He's a writer.
A writer.
Zane grey does that, too.
One thing leads to another
and pretty soon he's got himself a story.
You writin' a book?
Short stories at the present.
Well, good luck.
Thank you.
Thank you.
A total rube.
Strange one, though.
Think he has any money?
Now, that would be the most
idiotic thing you could pull.
Stay away from him.
I mean it.
You sleep here.
Where are you staying?
None of your business.
I was hoping we could,
get to know one another.
Lie down and cool off.
Alright, now...
Who is it?
God damn it, I want to know who it is!
Holy Jesus!
What do you want?!
Just tell me what you want.
Just tell me what you want!
You want my typewriter?
You're probably in the wrong room!
Hey, wait a minute.
Hey, wait, fella, wait.
What are you doing in there?
Stop that.
Hold it! Hold it a minute!
What do you think you're doing, anyway?!
You fool!
What's the matter with you?
Hey! Hey, stop! Thief!
Hey, stop that man!
Forget him.
He'll never survive out there.
We'll drop by tomorrow
and pick up the body.
Git along, little dogies
yippy ti yi yo
git along, little dogies
it's your misfortune
and none of my own
Yippy ti yi yo
git along, little dogies
it's your misfortune
and you know that Wyoming
will be your new home
Yippy ti yi yi!
Little dogies
go home, little dogies
yippy ti
he rode where nobody else rode.
He stared that face right in the eyes
and he defied it.
There was no one quite like the kid
for quickness and everything else.
He was a wonder.
He led... he led a dream life...
A life of no ease.
Hey, there.
Hey, mister,
you can thank your lucky stars
you weren't run over a moment ago.
You fellas cowboys?
Howard, we gotta go.
Yeah.
Come on, friend.
Get up here.
Hang on just a little longer now.
He's alright, Howard.
Hey, Jackson,
give us a hand here, will ya?
Give us a hand here.
Who you got there, Howard?
Easy with him, now... easy, easy.
Got him?
Yeah, we got him.
Where'd you come from, boy?
What is all this?
You seen pictures, ain't ya? Theaters?
Well, that's what you're lookin' at.
This is talkin' pictures.
This is the real thing.
You mean you guys ain't cowboys?
Well, sure, we're cowboys.
What do you suppose we are, weasels?
Look at that guy's face right there.
Show him your profile, Wally.
Now, don't that look
like a western type to you?
That right there is a cowboy's face.
Wreaks character.
That's what they told me... wreaks.
What happened?
Unless this gentleman's
got something to say about it,
it ain't nobody's business but his own.
Hey, trouty, over here.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She'll fix you up.
Come on, boys? Let's move it.
Just one more setup. Give me a break.
Go on, move it to the corral.
Ew. You alright?
Alright, let's go. Come on.
Who's your milliner?
Where did you get your... Hat?
My god!
What'd you do to your noggin?
I don't know.
I was asleep in a hotel,
and the next thing I knew,
a bandit was in my room beating on me.
Probably trying to steal my typewriter.
I escaped into the desert
where the cowboys found me,
wandering parched and thirsty
across the barren waste.
"Parched and thirsty
across the barren waste"?
Who talks like that?
I'm a writer...
Western prose.
Well, listen I'm not an m.D.,
but I've got some tincture
of iodine in the truck, okay?
It's gonna burn like hell, though.
Wounds suffered in tropical climes
can all too swiftly
become nasty infections.
In the chops.
In the slats, Lyle.
Right in the slats, now.
In the teeth.
Get him right in the teeth, now.
Watch his feet.
Watch his feet, Lyle.
Watch his feet.
He's a punk, he's a punk.
He's a punk, Lyle. He's a punk.
I need a little facial expressions.
In the kisser, now, in the kisser.
Get him one in the chops.
And down.
You got it.
Down.
Down, Lyle.
Down, Lyle!
And on him.
Gunshot.
Gunshot!
Gunshot!
God damn it, what a couple of apes!
Don't you guys listen to anything?!
Lyle, give me another take?
I'm sorry.
Try it again, Lyle, please.
Lyle?
Hey, Lyle?
Lyle, I'm sorry, Lyle.
Will ya give me another take?
Give me another take.
Hey, kid.
Hey, kid, train's leavin'.
We're movin' out.
Where are you goin'?
We're goin' back to L.A.
I don't know where I'm going, really.
Well, you want a lift, you're welcome.
Sure thing. Can't stick around here.
Okay.
Once we get there, you're on your own.
Fair enough.
Thank you.
Hollywood.
I killed ol' Jackson
smartly today, didn't I, Jack?
I guess.
Hey, Jackson, how come
you alw get it first?
I don't always get it first.
The hell you don't.
He gets it first 'cause he's ugly
and they want to get rid of him quick.
I heard 'em talkin' about it.
You know, if this great land
had been filled
with tiny turds like yourself
runnin' around in leather vests
and shootin' their mouths off,
it would still belong to Mr. red man.
Give me that bottle.
How much does this kind of work pay?
Depends on what you do and how you do it.
Take a fall, that's so much.
If you get one in the gut,
that's somethin' else.
Depends, too, on if they like ya.
Me, they like.
You the star of this picture?
Yeah, I'm the star.
That's why I'm ridin' back here
with these shitkickers.
Now, they're up there somewhere
in the buick.
That's where the money is.
Is it?
Wads of it.
Ask ol' Howard how it feels
to be ridin' up front.
I hear it's pretty grand.
- Goodnight, Jackson.
- Bye, Howard.
- See ya, Sam.
- Goodnight, boys.
Vaya con dios.
Adios, kid.
So long, fellas.
Thanks a lot.
Okay, kid.
Well, I'd have you come in, kid,
but I've, I've got company.
Same here, kid.
Well, that's perfectly fine.
I understand.
There's a half-dozen
boardinghouses over there.
Is that right?
Goodnight.
See you fellas later.
Hoo-hoo!
"He found himself..."
"In a tropical..."
"Hellhole of savages..."
"...living by his wits..."
"And prairie cunning..."
"He met the challenge
of this womanless land"...
Womanless land.
Womanless.
Hello.
Do you just walk in places unannounced?
Well, the guys up front
said she was back here.
Ignore him. He's dyspeptic.
Hey, how's that bump doin',
it's about flat, thanks...
Sort of like my wallet.
I'm looking for a job.
You and the rest of the country.
I suppose you're a cowboy?
I know a lot about them 'course.
Basically, however, I'm a writer.
Yeah, that's right...
Western prose.
I was wondering... it struck me...
Somebody must write your...
"Scenario" is the word
you're searching for.
That's it... scenarios.
Somebody must write 'em.
Yeah, well, somebody does.
These days it's usually Kessler,
the boss himself.
The writers we used to use are all out
on Santa Monica boulevard sellin' apples.
You want one?
Thanks.
Listen, I've got my own typewriter.
Sorry, partner. It doesn't mean a thing.
If you don't have any writing positions,
maybe there's something else I can do,
something where I can soak up
a little western atmosphere.
Can you ride a horse?
Sure.
Look, fill this out.
Put your name,
place where we can reach ya.
I don't know.
Western atmosphere?
Kid, are you handy with your mitts?
Sure.
Think you can deal
with tough, ornery cowpokes
day in and day out?
I know I can.
Howard, there's nothin' around.
Got to be room for a kid
like this at the rio.
Why don't you give 'em a jingle?
The rio? That sounds swell.
Is it a ranch?
Hey, where you been hidin'?
Nowhere. I only
just started here this morning.
Hard times?
A guy like you washin' dishes.
There gonna have me
doin' somethin' else later.
You're not the type, right?
I can tell a lot about a man
from little things...
The way he moves,
the way he uses his hands.
That sort of thing.
Observation...
That's the chief way
you learn things about people.
You, for instance,
you got a kind of artistic way about you.
What are you, a musician?
Well, then, let's see.
The manager.
I dare say I'll catch it.
A writer!
I'm a western writer.
I knew it was somethin' like that.
Who is it?
Mrs. stern.
What do you want?
You got a call.
You have a call for me?
That's what she says.
When you hear my whistle,
I want to see gunfire...
Lots of it.
Keep it up until you hear
my second whistle.
Jackson...
Jackson, you take the first bullet.
Then Wally... And you, kid.
Space it out.
Burt.
Men, keep it simple,
but make me believe it.
Everyone got that?
Okay, no mistakes, please.
Everyone up on the hill
and behind your rock.
Move your asses!
First Jackson and then Wally and then me,
wasn't that it?
Correct.
I think I'm gonna take one
right through the forehead.
The forehead's terrible, it's awful.
In this business, a man
gets shot through the heart.
It's clean. Unless, of course,
they're lookin' to graze him,
in which case the gun hand
or the shoulder is acceptable.
The leaded messenger of death
took the kid by surprise,
driving deep into his shoulder.
Although the pain was enormous,
he did not fall.
Howard...
Yeah?
Do you think this outfit looks alright?
The fit seems kind of tight.
What do you think of trouty, Howard?
I mean, in terms
of general attractiveness.
Walkin' around in slacks
the way she does,
woman like that's hard to tell.
Could be her sexual interests
are deviant.
I know Kessler's been chasin'
her ass for years
without success.
'Course, that's Kessler.
Everybody ready?
Roll it.
I'm rushin' him.
Stay here!
Aha!
In the rocks, you dumb putz!
Burt, no, he's just a kid.
Burt, you promised me.
Burt, please.
He's just a kid.
I'll kill him!
No, he's just a kid.
Burt, you promised me.
Burt, please.
What made me do a thing like that?
Don't worry about it, kid.
I'll do better, really.
I've never done anything
so stupid before.
Well, you gotta relax, act natural.
You're too tight.
Nobody cares about that kind of stuff
unless you got a big part.
Just die natural.
Anyway, you might pull a muscle.
Well, think you boys can take
another two days of this...
Roughing it?
Seriously, though, compadres,
that was really punk out there today...
I mean stinko.
I think we all know that.
If we're gonna come in under the wire,
we're gonna have to catch fire here.
You lousy sons of bitches
aren't getting soft on me now, are ya?
Hell no.
Give him one, Sam.
Yee!
Yee-aha!
Yah!
Hoo!
That's what I like to hear!
World beaters, every one of ya!
Wild-ass Sage kickers!
Thank you very much!
Don't let me down!
You're not gonna let me down, are ya?
Is he gone?
Yup.
Asshole.
He gets a little behind schedule,
he's a regular pain in the neck.
He's okay by me.
Let's get one more big one.
Hoo!
Hoo!
Knock it off, kid.
You see...
What we gotta do here
is set up a little
public relations, that's all.
The more we carry on,
the better he feels.
If you did okay, they ask you back.
You'll catch on.
Course, it don't always
work out that way.
Some guys get the axe...
Especially if they've fouled up.
No offense intended.
I know one tenderfoot's
gonna get his pecker shot off
if he don't turn in.
This cast is beginning to itch.
Good.
Fellas, I'd be a liar
if I said I wasn't disappointed.
Alright, I'm willing to raise
my previous offer $3.
That brings the total up to $7.50.
That's 7 dollars and 50 cents.
Well, my foot's all swolled up
from the lizard bite I got
last night or I'd be glad to.
I'd be the last one in the world
to hold anything over a man's head,
but the object of this outfit
is making films.
If we can't get a man
to jump on that horse,
then I suggest we all
ought to take a long, hard look
in the shaving mirror
tomorrow morning when we get up,
see what kind of men are looking back!
Speaking for myself, Mr.
Kessler, I'd be glad to do it,
if it wasn't for my back.
Fellas, I know it's not easy.
I know that.
And Lyle, if he was a better rider,
he'd be the first one in
the world to do his own stunts,
but he ain't.
As big a heart as that man's got,
he still can't ride for shit,
and there ain't a thing
in the world we can do about it!
Can I get somebody?!
How about $8.50?
You got your man!
And you don't have to pay me
a dime extra for it.
Sid... sid!
You think you can do it, kid?
- Sure.
- What's your name, kid?
Lewis tater.
Well, listen, Taylor,
the one thing I'm worried about
is the window.
If we have to do a second take,
replace the window,
you're talking about 25 smackers.
You got me?
Don't worry about a thing.
Alright, settle down, people, please.
Roll it.
Action!
Action!
Those damn cowboys!
I always said they were great, didn't I?
Always said you can't beat 'em.
You always said you couldn't trust them.
Well, you misunderstood me.
He didn't wear a cup.
Son of a bitch.
Didn't anybody tell him?
I think they're pushed
somewhere up around my chest.
He ain't even gettin' paid
for it, that's the awful part.
Whenever they want something special,
like that kind of a jump,
you've got to wait 'em out.
You wait till the price gets high enough
till it makes it worth your while.
You never do it for nothin'.
You'll ruin the business.
Right.
Nobody's gonna like you.
I can't help it.
I get excited.
God damn it!
I gotta watch that. I keep forgetting.
What's that, arthritis?
No, I fell from a box elder.
Box elder's a tree.
I did it jumping a guy
during a fight scene.
Interesting things have been happening
since I've been last here.
Let's see, well, for instance...
And this'll act as evidence
to prove I'm not a liar...
I got all these damn bruises.
Got 'em in fight scenes, action stunts,
that sort of thing.
The fact is...
I am in moving pictures.
There is one bruise,
though, that is private.
I caught it jumping a horse.
As I say, it is private,
unless, of course,
you might find it int...
I was wondering if, possibly,
you knew the young man who just exited?
We have reason to believe, you see,
that the lad has attached himself
to a moving picture company.
Who wants to know?
His father wants to know.
His father?
Yes, his father.
That poor gentleman suffers
from a heart disorder.
And he wants to see his son.
Perhaps, for the last time.
I'm sorry, but I've never
seen him before in my life.
Excuse me.
Rio.
How many?
Wait a minute.
Jack, are you still with...
Yeah, triangle.
Okay.
2 blts down.
1 tuna rye, hold the Mayo.
2 tangos and a... Milky way.
Alright.
Hey, trouty, here's that stunt
I was telling you about.
Is that me? Let me see, lucky.
No, it's not you.
Kid, I sent you for coffee.
What the hell you been doin',
playin' football with it?
What a pissant!
He thinks he's gonna make
that kind of money as a heavy!
He's crazy. Nobody, and I mean
nobody's gonna give it to him.
Let him find out for himself.
I wash my hands off that guy.
If I were you guys...
I'd take a powder.
Things aren't what you'd
call cordial around here.
Now what?
You gonna honor your commitment?
Hell yes. Hell yes, I'm gonna honor it.
One thing about me is I don't get nervous
when something like this happens.
Guys like Lester are hamburger
in this business...
So much a pound.
Hey, hold it!
How many times do I
have to tell you guys?
You want to hang around, do it outside.
This ain't a goddamn corral.
You're the kid that jumped
the horse, right?
Yes, sir.
Okay, come with me.
Sit down, kid.
Go ahead, relax.
You ever deliver any lines?
Deliver what?
Lines.
Talkin'. You ever spoke before
in a movin' picture?
I never have.
It doesn't matter. It's probably better.
You just do everything
I tell you from now on,
we'll get along just fine.
Kid, how would you like
to make $55 a week?
Wait a minute.
Let's make that $60.
- I'd like to.
- Sure you would.
It's a hell of a thing. Kid your
age making that kinda money.
I'm not gonna fool around.
We're pushing through a new feature,
and you just got the nod for a nice part.
You interested?
I think so.
You think so?
Well, kid, you better be damn sure.
What do you say?
Mr. gates, this is...
Lewis tater.
Mr. Taylor, our new, young heavy.
Tater.
Right.
Mr. gates represents
a distributing chain.
We make 'em, he gets 'em out.
Fair enough?
I know it isn't easy,
but that's the way I want it.
Well, everybody's got a different head...
Contour, shape. Nothing's the same.
What's good for Zane grey
isn't necessarily good for you.
You mean you aren't even trying
to match it?
Well, of course I'm trying.
What the hell makes you think I'm not?
Because it doesn't look right.
I saw that!
First of all, the damn guy's a
writer, not an actor.
So what?
You want me to cut it so you can
write a book or be in a movie?
I want you to cut it like the
picture. That's how I want it.
Hold it. Jesus.
Sit down.
Hey, tater, let's make one!
Tater, move your ass!
That's me they want.
Please don't. Please don't.
You don't have to act so refined
around me.
This ain't a cotillion.
Tater, please. We're falling behind.
Go on, go on, it's alright.
Come on.
Alright, please, everyone, settle down.
This is the rehearsal. Burt.
Go ahead.
Please... don't.
Please don't.
You don't have to act so refined
around me.
This ain't a cotillion.
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
That's awful.
Come here.
Let's look at it from
a different angle, alright?
Let's try and take it
from her point of view.
You're coming on good-looking, in a...
In a twisted kind of way.
And naturally she's gonna be
suspicious of your intentions.
That's what we want. That's her job.
Right now, she's got nothing
to interest her.
Yeah, I know that's right.
Kid, you're lacking nothing
but confidence.
Come here. I want to show you something.
Take a look at that.
What do you see?
Why, hell, with those features
and that outfit...
I get goosebumps just lookin' at it.
Do you think any woman
in her right mind's
gonna be able to resist that?
Nope.
You think she can?
I don't know.
Well, I'm gonna tell you
what's gonna happen
if you want to know. You want to know?
Sure.
You're gonna end up
breakin' her damn heart.
That's what's gonna happen.
What do you think about that?
I am?
You believe me?
I think I do.
Come on. Let's shoot.
Please don't.
You don't have to act so refined
around me.
This ain't a cotillion.
I don't know what you mean.
I think you do, alright.
Take your hands off me!
Come here.
Ugghh!
A-a-a-and cut.
Beautiful, Lyle.
Really beautiful.
What do you think?
Gates?
I'm sorry, you're gonna have to
interpret that for me.
It means okay.
I gotta admit, that kid wasn't too bad.
The kid?
Taylor.
Maybe you ought to give him
a test or a two-reeler.
See what happens.
You think so?
Why not?
No, no, I was thinking
the same thing myself.
One thing, though... don't say
anything to him about it.
Let me handle it.
It'll be cheaper that way.
Okay?
Where you goin'?
Where you goin'?
- Hey, Lewis.
- Why, hi.
Lewis, we just saw your footage.
How was it?
Strictly standard stuff, kid.
How about the scene with the lady?
Let's go to the rio
and get a cup of coffee.
Listen, I'd like you to stop by
Bruno's and get some 8x10s.
I'd just like to see you
in some different duds.
- Who's Bruno?
- He's a photog...
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Come see me in the office tomorrow, okay?
Okay.
I said to the guy, I said,
I can't consider myself...
I think I'll skip the coffee,
Burt. Thanks, anyway.
So, anyway...
Hey, mind if I butt in?
No.
Good.
I-I got a package back there
at tumbleweed
needs carryin' home.
Could you give me a hand?
Sure.
Good, then, we'll cross over here.
Come on.
Well, we're almost certain
he's with a moving picture company.
Nobody by that description?
Listen, one more thing...
I know it sounds a little vague,
but the young man is very physical.
He runs like a gazelle.
Doesn't ring a bell?
Well, thanks.
Thanks anyway.
Ix-nay?
What am I carrying, anyway?
If it's nothing personal.
No. It's just a radio.
I won it last night at a screeno
game at the pantages.
Just my luck... the heaviest prize.
It's probably very well made.
Hey, how are you holdin' up?
Okay.
It's just that where I
come from, it's very level.
Yeah, where's that?
- Nevada.
- Really?
There's nothing wrong with that.
Lots of exciting things happen in Nevada.
Yeah? Like what, for instance?
Well, you, got your... your Indians...
Your, mesquite, your precious metals
your Indians sell.
Where are you really from, Lewis?
Iowa.
I don't know what made me say Nevada.
Forget it.
Most of the cowpokes we use
are from back east, anyway.
Maybe it's the acting.
I never figured on it.
Thanks.
Where shall I set it?
Yeah...
How about over there?
Okey-dokey.
Lewis the reluctant cowboy.
Most guys I know
would mortgage their mother
to ride the celluloid trail.
But you would rather write.
Hey, you know,
you ought to let Howard pike
take a look at your stuff.
Howard? Why?
I shouldn't really tell you this, but...
Kessler's been makin' westerns
for 16 years...
Cannot handle cowboy lingo.
So he pays pike 5 simoleons
a week under the table
to help him out.
Howard pike? No kidding?
Yeah.
He's a great old coot...!
Well, look at that.
Shall we join her?
Pardon me?
One dance and then you gotta go, soldier.
Do they dance in Iowa?
Sure.
Tender lips that once were mine
Tender eyes that shine
they will light... My way tonight
I'll see you in...
This is very interesting.
I've always wondered what kind
of place you dwelled in.
Mystery lady's lair.
Are there other rooms in this place?
I mean, where do you sleep?
In my bedchamber...
Through those doors over there.
Is it?
Do you mind if I look in there?
Mnh-mnh. Be my guest.
It's not that I'm nosy.
I try and make it a point
when I'm in a new place
to get the lay of the land... Jesus!
You know the first thing a writer does
in a situation like this?
Fixes things in his mind.
Draws a bead on it.
You know what I mean by that?
It means finding a word
you can remember...
One that tells you something about it.
This bed here, for instance...
I'd say it was resourceful...
or maybe...
Ingenious.
Now, that's not bad.
As a matter of fact, that's good.
For instance...
Shut up, Lewis.
...where the daisies
cover the country lanes
We'll make Cain while the sun shines
We'll make love when it rains...
Sorry, kid. The bell doesn't work.
What are you doin' walkin'
around in all this sunshine?
You're wet as a fish.
Take off your coat.
Put it over there.
You got a match?
Let me check here.
I don't believe I do.
Never mind.
My rock.
Fell on me during a climbin'
stunt up at vasquez.
I thought about cuttin' it
in half or somethin',
but I figured it wouldn't have
the same meaning, you know?
That what you called me about?
This?
Yeah, it is...
Something I wrote.
Western novel, actually.
I finished it over a year ago.
Trouty told me maybe
you'd, read it sometime,
and give me your opinion.
She did?
I don't know if I've ever
discussed the fact with you,
Howard, but what I am really,
see, is a writer.
Writer.
I think I've heard you
mention that once or twice.
You ever been published?
Well, no, I'm...
Well, kid...
If a person saying he was something
was all there was to it,
this country would be full
of rich men and good-looking women.
Kings and queens, you know what I mean?
Too bad it isn't that easy?
In short, when someone else
says you're a writer,
that's when you're a writer...
Not before.
Mucho pages, amigo.
2 1/2 pounds.
I weighed it.
"Hearts of the west...
A novel by Lewis tater."
Well, sometimes it's a little
bit difficult to determine
with these ribald kids,
but I'd say he's a 16 1/2, 35.
You got any idea how many lugs
I have to outfit
during the course of a week?
Look, I'd like to help you if I could,
but right now, I have to make a living.
Is that okay with you?
Kid, you made the wall of the rio.
Looks a little like maynard.
Or maybe Billy pueblo.
- Don't he?
- Bullshit I do.
He does, alright...
Kind of hunched up and ready to strike.
Pueblo... now he wrote great westerns.
I read "trail of gold" eight times.
Never did see any of the movies
he acted in, though.
Frugal man.
Never spent a dime he didn't have to.
Put everything
into a Montana weasel ranch.
Weasel pelts took a jump
three years later,
now he walks around
a big house in silk pajamas.
Wonderful success.
We're talkin' about independent wealth.
Money.
Guy comes up...
Salesman.
He says, "yes, sir, what'll it be?"
You say, "Taj Mahal, please."
"Not for sale," he says. "Sorry."
"Well, then," you say,
"I'll take the whole damn country.
Whatever it is, wrap it up."
"Yes, sir," he says smiling.
And he does, wraps it up.
That's independent wealth for you.
Anyway, I've seen a lot of them,
and I'll tell you this much...
None of them takes
as good a glossy as this one...
Not the first time around, anyway.
How much are them monkeys gonna pay ya?
I don't know. We're gonna talk
about it tomorrow.
Now, listen... personally,
I wouldn't accept
anything less than $150 a week.
When you're in with Kessler,
wait till he starts to squawk,
then head slowly for the door.
- What'll happen?
- You won't reach the knob.
Guaranteed.
Play him like a fish.
- $150?
- Yeah.
Anything less than that,
tell him to take a dunk.
Take a dunk.
Do what?
Mr. Kessler, I'm not working for $110.
Who said you were?
Just try to look at it
from a different point of view.
Fair enough?
You know what it costs?
$75.
Now, you add to that
$87.50 for the outfit,
$20 for glossies, $15
for miscellaneous expenses...
You're talking about faith,
the faith of one man... me...
And the future of neddy wales.
It's a matter of perspective.
On the one hand, we have a side
represented by yourself, the artist,
that says I saw him
go through the turnstile.
At this point, nobody's got a beef.
All you want is your fair share
of the pie.
I'm not working for any $110.
Well, of course you're not.
I'm trying to explain something
to you for your own good.
I'm talking about something
beyond conventional value.
I'm talking about wisdom, experience...
Things like that.
Now, we see the patrons
of the competition
circling the globe
like earthworms, Lewis.
How many? Millions.
Let's look back at our line,
at how many people?
Hundreds, thousands.
Do you know why, Lewis?
I'll tell you why.
Because you are small potatoes, Lewis!
You are small, pitiful potatoes!
What you are is a maybe,
and maybes don't draw big bankrolls!
I'm willing to go $115.
- Screw $115.
- $120, then.
This can be worked out.
I feel that way, we're close.
I don't feel anything.
Kid, I'm gonna extend myself
for both of our sakes.
You know, I can do a lot
for a kid like you,
but we've got to build.
We've got to take it slow.
You got to be a steady Eddie.
$130. I think $130 is very fair.
Why don't we...
Why don't we drink to that?
Do you want a drink?
Let's... let's drink to 1-3-0.
Let's just have a drink, okay?
Drink to 1-3-0.
Where are you goin'? What are you doin'?
Where are you goin'?
You're fired, pissant!
Fired!
Fired!
Cut.
- Print.
- Alright.
Lunch... one hour!
Trouty!
Lewis, what are you doin' here?
Lucky told me
you were fillin' in here today.
I gotta talk to ya.
What'd you do, enlist?
I couldn't even get through
the damn gate at this place.
I borrowed it from an extra for a buck.
It's gotta be back before lunch is over.
Okay, what's up?
I got fired.
What?
Kessler fired you?
He wouldn't give me the $150 I asked for.
$150 per?
That's more than Lyle gets.
Howard told me if he...
Howard pike?!
I told you to ask him for
literary, not economic, advice.
Look, I like Howard,
but he doesn't know his ass
from his elbow about money.
Lewis, did you ever hear of Billy pueblo?
Next time you're at the rio,
take a look at Billy's photo
and see if it doesn't remind you
of your financial advisor.
Howard pike is Billy pueblo?
One and the same,
with some bad years in between.
That's why I told you
to show him some of your yarns.
Billy pueblo has read my novel.
No, Howard told me...
Billy pueblo walks around
all day in silk pajamas.
He's got a big weasel ranch.
Weasel ranch? That's a pip.
He's got a job working for Burt Kessler
is what he's got.
Excuse me.
You know, I feel like the good fairy
handing out these morsels of assistance.
Lewis, do you know who a.J. Nietz is?
Who?
My god, don't they teach
writers how to survive anymore?
A.j. nietz.
He publishes pulps.
You get along with a guy like that,
- and life will prove bearable.
- So?
So I used to work
for his brother-in-law...
A schlock musical producer.
You know, maybe he can
get you in to see nietz.
I'll call him tomorrow.
The rest is up to you.
Come with me... the moonbeams
Fine tahitian skies
and the starlit waters
linger in your eyes
hey, them hills are calling
to them we belong
and we'll cheer each other
with a pagan love song
hey, them hills are calling
To them we belong
and we'll cheer each other
With... the... pagan
love s-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong
Okay, kids, relax.
Well, what do you think?
If you enjoy entertaining
the crew, not bad.
Otherwise, it belongs
in a rehearsal hall.
A rehearsal hall is where you
rehearse, not here.
This is a soundstage.
You're the kid trout called about?
Well, what shall I do with it?
Well, the first thing I would do
is get rid of that noodle
in the pith helmet.
And then...
shoot it.
Okay, let's make it.
Listen, I feel like hell
about this, but, ol' a.J.
Is up to his ass in new projects,
and, frankly, I-i told trout
I'm in no position to butt in.
Maybe if you can come back in
a couple of months, we could...
You know.
What's that?
Don't even ask.
Breaks my heart.
Is it a tragedy?
For me, yes.
I'm 2 grand short
of getting it off the ground.
"The rainbow trail."
A western?
Mounted police.
A beauty in 12 chapters.
I could start it tomorrow
if I had the $2,000 today.
Maybe we can help each other out here.
How do you mean?
Well, if I can raise the money,
do you think...
If you could raise the money,
I'll get you in to see nietz somehow.
I'll see what I can do.
Bruce crater, right?
Lewis tater.
T-a-t-e-r.
I love all your fish.
What's the matter? I scare ya?
Trouty, you're gonna have to leave.
What? What kind of a welcome is that?
I carried this damn cutout all
the way from tumbleweed and...
What you got there?
Nothing.
Lewis.
Lewis, I thought you were broke.
I am.
What's that, a banana?
Hey, where am I going?
I just got here! Lewis!
I thought we could go for a walk
or something.
You never let me know what happened.
Trouty, I'll call you later.
Lewis!
Mr. weeks claims to be
the assistant registrar.
Claim to be and am.
I'm sorry, Mr. weeks,
it's just that we rarely see
a college administrator
in a windbreaker.
It's an agricultural college.
Mr. weeks, I understand
you'd like to open an account
for the university of titan
and make a withdrawal on the same day.
Correct.
And you are depositing...
$1,100 in currency,
and $2,575 in money orders.
Correct.
Normally, our procedure
is to allow six to eight days
for clearance of money orders.
In these days, with banks
falling like duckpins,
and a university
is willing to deposit $3,675
as a pledge of good faith in the economy
and in your bank, in particular.
I guess these funds
are destined for other coffers.
Mr. weeks, how much is it
you'd like to withdraw?
$2,000.
Leaving the bank with $1,675
of the university's resources.
Unbelievable.
Listen, I'll call nietz right away.
You may as well give him this
when you see him.
What's Mr. nietz have to do
with this money?
Are you kidding?
He's paying for the serial.
Okay, look,
my brother-in-law the publisher
puts up the money...
$10,000. If I go over budget...
Which I won't...
He dips into this 2 grand.
When the picture's wrapped,
he gives us back our money, you got it?
The same check?
If that's important to you, yes.
I want you to know this is not my money.
It's borrowed
from a lot of different people.
This check is gonna go right into a safe.
It'll never be touched.
Look...
Don't let him know
whose money it is, will ya?
I'd rather he thought
it comes from the account of yours truly?
Take a hat.
Please.
Any one?
Good choice.
You write westerns, don't you?
Mostly.
Would you like to hear something
about my novel?
Have you...
Ever been...
In love?
Love is a great experience.
Perhaps the greatest.
That's what I've heard.
Love seeketh not itself to please.
Come on!
The coldest critic of them all.
You don't mind, do you?
I-I guess not.
Thank you, mister...
Tater.
Do you have something for me
in an envelope, Mr. tater?
I almost forgot.
Mr. tater...
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Well, he's kind of a big galoot
with an athletic neck, you know?
A blond kid?
Sorry, boys.
Well, can you tell us
how to get to beechwood place?
Follow your nose one mile.
Can you shake and shift
with that thing on your hand?
Do birds fly?
Mr. tater...
A Mr. nietz called.
He wants to see you tomorrow at noon.
Here's the address.
What for? Did he say?
Brunch.
Brunch?
What is brunch?
Want a bagel, sir?
Alright.
Thank you.
Lox, sir?
Might I suggest the sturgeon?
The lox is very salty here.
Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
Give the gentleman some sturgeon.
You'll like it. It'll even go
with the cream cheese.
Sturgeon, sir.
Thank you.
I'll have some, too.
That again? Eww!
Sturgeon for me.
Have you seen what Von sternburg
has done with her?
I know he's German,
but he's obsessed with women...
Naturally... like all Germans are.
And he's taken her, this beautiful woman,
this goddess,
and he's transformed her
into an evil bird.
Hello, Rita.
She's really a very sick girl.
She's been in deep analysis
for four years.
She'll be hysterical in another hour.
Actually, the cause of it
is her white diet.
She can only eat white things, you know?
A.j.
A.j.
Okay, okay, Larry.
Go bore somebody else.
Did you read the new Franz werfel?
I read it, I read it.
Did it break your heart?
It broke it.
You're enjoying yourself?
Very interesting brunch...
All this unusual food.
What you got there?
Sturgeon... that's good.
The lox is a little salty this week.
Mike.
Mr. Frankfurt represents the times.
He's, he's a critic.
Mr. Frankfurt is
currently reading a manuscript
submitted to me
under cloudy circumstances.
The vast pacific.
That's right.
As I was saying, Mr. Frankfurt
is reading a piece of material
submitted to me
under cloudy circumstances.
Cloudy?
A curious piece...
Rough in spots, but altogether alive.
Possessed of a disarming,
childlike simplicity.
Sounds very interesting.
I have two copies
of this remarkable manuscript
from separate sources.
Peculiar?
A pain in the ass.
What's it called?
"Hearts of the west."
You have two copies?
Two.
I don't understand.
Neither do I.
However, I would like
to leave that for the moment
and introduce you to the author.
The author?
The author.
Howard.
Hey, compadre.
I thought that since you two gentlemen
share similar tastes
in western literature,
you might enjoy meeting.
Now, listen, kid...
Before you go and fly off the handle,
I'd advise you...
I don't need any more
of your advice, Howard.
Billy pueblo.
You were goddamn Billy pueblo!
You meant something to people, Howard!
I was backed in a corner, kid...
Headin' for alimony jail...
buyin' a few extra days.
You got to hear me out...
I told you,
I don't want your damn advice!
Didn't I tell you that?!
I didn't know he was gonna publish it...
Did you read it?!
I looked at it.
Uhhhhh!
Well, it just, gives out, you know?
Causing death.
Naturally, when they requested,
I traced their missing son.
I simply couldn't refuse.
That him?
- Please?
- Listen...
- I said please.
- Kessler, I am very tired.
Just one drink. And I promise to go.
I gotta be at the rio
in 20 minutes, anyway.
- I'm paying the check.
- You're paying for sid's stag?
Yeah, it's the least I could do.
You make me feel like socially inferior!
I don't want things to get out of hand.
How could anything
get out of hand in 20 minutes?
We're both adults.
20 minutes and you're out, Kessler.
You're a hell of a hostess,
you know that?
Lewis!
I thought you were on location.
It's neddy wales, the cowboy prince!
When's the coronation, kid?
Lewis, where are you goin'?
It's just like back home.
Every time we have soup for supper,
I get a peppercorn on the first swallow.
Lewis!
Lew...
happy days are here again
The skies above are clear again
So let's sing a song of cheer again
Happy days are here again
Altogether, shout it now
There's no one who can doubt it now
So let's tell the world about it now
Happy days are here again
Your cares and troubles are gone
There'll be no more from now on
Happy days are here again
The skies...
Wait, wait, I wouldn't go
in there, ma'am!
Okay, hold it down, boys!
Hold it down.
Story time.
Howard, have you seen Lewis?
Where's Lewis?
Screw him.
Can you hear me?
Alright, cut it out.
I'm only kidding around.
Lewis is in trouble. I can't find him.
Well, he ain't here, you can see that.
Fellas, who's got a story? Who's got a...
Sam, come on up and tell us a story!
Somebody's been to his apartment.
That's no sweat off my hocks.
What are you doing here?
This affair is gents-only.
Howard!
Let's hear it for Howard!
Excuse me, troutster.
Duty calls.
Our own Howard.
Want me to tell it straight?
You know me... no bullshit.
You think you can handle this assignment?
Give 'em hell,
you leathery son of a bitch.
Well, let's see.
One time Jackson and me was
ridin' out by the wicker ranch.
We run into some bad weather
and had to put up there for the night.
Now, at that time,
old man wicker's girls
was about 16 years old.
Locomotive and caboose we called 'em.
One of 'em, Clarice,
she looked like she had hid
a couple of prize hens
up under her sweater.
And the other one...
Loraleen, I believe it was...
She has hers all behind...
Biggest ass I've ever seen.
That's why, locomotive and caboose...
One of 'em up front,
and the other, behind.
Well, anyhow...
Trouty, he's at my place.
Jackson spied this inner tube,
and, he brought it
over to me and had this...
Had this big grin on his face...
923 north bower.
Hey, Jackson, why don't you tell it?
You were the one pulled
the trick on those girls.
Come on, come on.
Get Jackson up here to tell it.
Hey, Howard, where you goin'?
Look, trouty, just because I'm from Iowa.
When I see a man in a tuxedo
with two glasses in his hand...
Forget Kessler. He was on his
way to sid's stag.
He wanted to kibitz for a
minute. I couldn't keep him out.
Listen, Lewis, I went
to your place after you ran out.
It looked like the crimean war
had played there.
You didn't turn on the lights, did you?
Yes, I turned on the lights.
Lewis, what kind of trouble are you in?
Who said I'm in any trouble?
Why don't you just step over
there and push down that latch?
I don't expect any problems.
Sometimes it's just better
to play it safe, that's all.
My god! Hey!
Don't say another word and
you may survive this evening.
Hey, listen, let her go.
She doesn't know a damn thing.
What I told the lady
goes for you, too, junior.
Hey, hold it.
What do you think you're doing?
Look, I'd give you back
the money, but it's gone.
I put most of it in a moving picture.
The rest's in a bank... Honest.
Look, how was I gonna get it back to ya?
Wait a minute.
You want land... farm land?
You don't want it now, but
someday you'll wanna retire.
You'll have to share it, of course,
but it's good land... fertile.
Come on, yes or no?
You're hurting me.
I am tired of this whole thing.
Maybe it's my fault
for not making that clear.
First you come in the door...
Ruin the lock.
Who is gonna pay for somethin' like that?
I'm a guest in this house.
You abuse the lady...
And you take my wallet.
Well, it should be
no surprise to you, then,
to know that I'm fed up.
Jesus, you shot me in the elbow.
I can hardly believe you really did that.
Give me that.
I think you killed him!
Howard, you're terrific.
You looked like old Billy pueblo
comin' through that door
all hunched up and ready to strike.
And you killed that skinny bastard.
If I did, it was a miracle of the lord,
'cause I was shootin' blanks.
Blanks? Really?
No kiddin'.
That's terrific.
Better get this man
some medical attention, trouty.
Jesus, there's a hole in my leg,
a round hole.
Well, it isn't really round,
but it's a hole.
Howard, I can't believe it.
They come in here, shoot, don't even ask.
Shoot me in the elbow and the leg...
Once here and once here. Bandits.
Help me get my pants on.
Take it easy, take it easy.
Twice.
I've been shot by bandits.
Where?
Bower and fountain.
Yes, yes, please. Will you hurry?
I want you to know that this whole affair
has been a terrible embarrassment.
I really never meant
for things to go quite that far.
Take it easy.
Easy does it, easy does it.
I come all the way out here
and what happens?
Place goes crazy.
Watch your feet there.
Shootout.
The room lit up with gunfire.
Alright, up.
Howard? Howard?
Yeah?
This would make one hell
of a story, don't you think?
Sure it would.
Thing like this
could be worth a lot of money.
We're talkin'
about independent wealth here.
Salesman, he says, "what'll it be, sir?"
And you tell him, "Taj Mahal."
"Sorry," he says. "That's not for sale."
"Well, then," you say,
"give me the whole damn country."
"Yes, sir," he says.
And he does.
He wraps it on up.
That's independent wealth, for ya.
Weasels and silk pajamas.
Troutster, you go along with the boy.
Who is that kid?
Lewis tater.
He's a writer.
Just sold his first novel.
The slightest smile
broke across the kid's face
as the barking revolvers
became nothing but a memory.
Secure in the knowledge of his friendship
with the old trapper and the girl,
he sped along...
He had done his job.
Hold you in my arms
someone took you out of my arms
Still I feel the thrill
of your charms
Lips that once were mine
tender eyes that shine
they will light my way tonight
I'll see you in my dreams
lips that once were mine
tender eyes that shine
they will light my way tonight
I'll see... You...
In... My... Dr-e-e-e-eams
Alright, settle down, people, please.
Please.
Okay, let's make one.
Roll it.
Lewis tater test, take one.
Alright, tater, come in.
Come in!
You didn't say action.
God.
Alright, I'll say action.
Action!
Walk over to Bernie.
Draw, Feebers.
Get up, Bernie.
Bang, bang.
Okay, now, Lewis, put the guns back
and walk forward to the chalk Mark.
Okay, now, walk... watch the chalk Mark.
That's right.
Look right into the lens.
Now take your hat off, tater.
Okay, now turn to the right.
Now turn to the left.
Now very slowly put the hat back on.
Alright, now turn to us.
Give me a real rugged gunfighter smile.
Cut.
Print it.
"The kid whirled and shot"...
Fired.
Whirled and fired...
"whirled and fired everything
he had at the phantom riders."
"On they road, the kid"...
A Colt...
That's it...
"a Colt in either hamlike fist..."
"Scattered lead...
"At the retreating...
Dust."
"Scattered lead at the retreating dust."
"Again, Dean bender himself
has asked me to convey
"his Sincere desire that you, too,
"through self-study
in the privacy of your own home
"may someday saddle up
"and join its distinguished alumni,
"many of whom make up to $8,000 a year.
"The Dean has also asked me to remind you
"that a $25 remittance...
Cash, stamps, or money order...
"will assure you a place
"in our corral
of first semester home-learners.
Welcome, partner."
"Signed..."
"James Stokes, registrar."
Read that part again
about the silver-veined mountains.
"Located in titan, Nevada,
at the foot of the beautiful
"silver-veined shoshone mountains,
"the university of titan
correspondence school division
"is pleased to announce
acceptance of your application
"to study by mail
with America's select fraternity
of western writers."
Every time a man gets something together,
there's another fella
just as ready to take it away from him.
I want to know what this means.
It means instead of mailing
my lessons in,
I'm gonna take my crop money
out to titan and sign up.
Maybe hang around the campus
for a while, study there,
see what the real west is like.
It's what I want to do.
I've figured it all out.
I have.
Hello?
Hello?
I've got ears. You don't have to holler.
I want to know where I am.
Titan, n-e-v... short for Nevada.
Over there... California.
I thought since there wasn't any horses
or anything really western
that maybe I didn't come far enough.
However, I did notice your
buffalo head you got up there.
Still see many of them around, do you?
I ain't never seen one in my life.
There ain't been a buffalo
around here since the turn.
Some fancy mover left that thing
in the freight room
18 years ago.
Anyhow, I'm lookin' for Dean bender.
You got any idea
how many old farts there are
runnin' around up there?
Yeah, but he's...
I told ya, I didn't know him!
I have a letter saying
the university of titan...
You want the university.
Well, hell, you can see it from here.
You can? Funny, I didn't notice it.
Not over there... here.
Boxes 17 to 24.
That's a school?
Be a tight squeeze gettin' ya
in there, wouldn't it, Sonny?
They told me there was
a university out here,
damn it... nestled at the foot
of the silver-veined shoshone mountains.
Dean bender himself
wrote the letter personally...
You get your claws off there.
This whole thing
is protected by the government.
You want some federal people comin',
crawlin' all over your ass?!
Listen, I'm gonna level with you.
This thing you're after
is really a post-office box.
Once a week, two guys come
in here and pick up the mail,
and there ain't no university...
Not around here there ain't.
What you'd better do is go on home.
You got a lot to learn.
Hey...
Anybody else get off the train?
Just me and an old couple.
The woman had a blue dress on
with polka dots.
The man...
60, 65 years of age, moon-faced,
wore a dark suit and brown soiled shoes.
A man in my line gets paid
to notice details like that.
What kind of line are ya in?
I'm a writer.
I come here to get a firsthand
look at the west and study.
A lot of writers get rejected
simply because they don't have
enough experience
with the material they're workin' with.
You can't take things out
if you don't put them in.
Most of the good stuff I do
comes out of times just like this.
There's no such thing
as wasted time for a writer.
He's always thinking.
I'll just sit here and think.
I mentioned that I'm a writer, didn't I?
Generally I make it a point
not to talk too much.
Maybe it's the climate.
I like new climates.
New things help the imagination.
Right now, for instance...
Maybe I see a guy comin' in here
with a long whip...
Real character.
I figure the west
is full of interesting people.
It's easy to make 'em up.
Anyway, that is the start of
a damn good yarn right there...
A guy with a whip.
Somethin' like that could be
worth money, don't ya think?
Yeah?
In a minute.
Alright.
Remind me to put "no stamps accepted"
in the next ad.
You want to know something personal?
What I want is some assistance.
The door.
Who's the new guest in the lobby?
Some poor farmer
your phony-baloney ad suckered out here.
He thinks there's really a college.
The ad said it was
a correspondence school.
It didn't say come out here.
Pathetic.
It takes all kinds.
Now, look, we pay you
to go down to the station
to ferret out
incoming postal authorities,
not set up a traveler's aid
for wandering farm boys.
I better check on him.
These postal people are trained.
Sure he's got a whip alright.
Dandy.
He knows how to use it, too.
You can tell it from his eyes, easy...
A sure tip-off.
Dangerous man, killer, bullwhacker.
God, he takes that thing and...
Whack!
Whammo!
Takes it and... crack!
Crack!
Crack!
I was just acting out that story
I was telling you about.
He's a writer.
A writer.
Zane grey does that, too.
One thing leads to another
and pretty soon he's got himself a story.
You writin' a book?
Short stories at the present.
Well, good luck.
Thank you.
Thank you.
A total rube.
Strange one, though.
Think he has any money?
Now, that would be the most
idiotic thing you could pull.
Stay away from him.
I mean it.
You sleep here.
Where are you staying?
None of your business.
I was hoping we could,
get to know one another.
Lie down and cool off.
Alright, now...
Who is it?
God damn it, I want to know who it is!
Holy Jesus!
What do you want?!
Just tell me what you want.
Just tell me what you want!
You want my typewriter?
You're probably in the wrong room!
Hey, wait a minute.
Hey, wait, fella, wait.
What are you doing in there?
Stop that.
Hold it! Hold it a minute!
What do you think you're doing, anyway?!
You fool!
What's the matter with you?
Hey! Hey, stop! Thief!
Hey, stop that man!
Forget him.
He'll never survive out there.
We'll drop by tomorrow
and pick up the body.
Git along, little dogies
yippy ti yi yo
git along, little dogies
it's your misfortune
and none of my own
Yippy ti yi yo
git along, little dogies
it's your misfortune
and you know that Wyoming
will be your new home
Yippy ti yi yi!
Little dogies
go home, little dogies
yippy ti
he rode where nobody else rode.
He stared that face right in the eyes
and he defied it.
There was no one quite like the kid
for quickness and everything else.
He was a wonder.
He led... he led a dream life...
A life of no ease.
Hey, there.
Hey, mister,
you can thank your lucky stars
you weren't run over a moment ago.
You fellas cowboys?
Howard, we gotta go.
Yeah.
Come on, friend.
Get up here.
Hang on just a little longer now.
He's alright, Howard.
Hey, Jackson,
give us a hand here, will ya?
Give us a hand here.
Who you got there, Howard?
Easy with him, now... easy, easy.
Got him?
Yeah, we got him.
Where'd you come from, boy?
What is all this?
You seen pictures, ain't ya? Theaters?
Well, that's what you're lookin' at.
This is talkin' pictures.
This is the real thing.
You mean you guys ain't cowboys?
Well, sure, we're cowboys.
What do you suppose we are, weasels?
Look at that guy's face right there.
Show him your profile, Wally.
Now, don't that look
like a western type to you?
That right there is a cowboy's face.
Wreaks character.
That's what they told me... wreaks.
What happened?
Unless this gentleman's
got something to say about it,
it ain't nobody's business but his own.
Hey, trouty, over here.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She'll fix you up.
Come on, boys? Let's move it.
Just one more setup. Give me a break.
Go on, move it to the corral.
Ew. You alright?
Alright, let's go. Come on.
Who's your milliner?
Where did you get your... Hat?
My god!
What'd you do to your noggin?
I don't know.
I was asleep in a hotel,
and the next thing I knew,
a bandit was in my room beating on me.
Probably trying to steal my typewriter.
I escaped into the desert
where the cowboys found me,
wandering parched and thirsty
across the barren waste.
"Parched and thirsty
across the barren waste"?
Who talks like that?
I'm a writer...
Western prose.
Well, listen I'm not an m.D.,
but I've got some tincture
of iodine in the truck, okay?
It's gonna burn like hell, though.
Wounds suffered in tropical climes
can all too swiftly
become nasty infections.
In the chops.
In the slats, Lyle.
Right in the slats, now.
In the teeth.
Get him right in the teeth, now.
Watch his feet.
Watch his feet, Lyle.
Watch his feet.
He's a punk, he's a punk.
He's a punk, Lyle. He's a punk.
I need a little facial expressions.
In the kisser, now, in the kisser.
Get him one in the chops.
And down.
You got it.
Down.
Down, Lyle.
Down, Lyle!
And on him.
Gunshot.
Gunshot!
Gunshot!
God damn it, what a couple of apes!
Don't you guys listen to anything?!
Lyle, give me another take?
I'm sorry.
Try it again, Lyle, please.
Lyle?
Hey, Lyle?
Lyle, I'm sorry, Lyle.
Will ya give me another take?
Give me another take.
Hey, kid.
Hey, kid, train's leavin'.
We're movin' out.
Where are you goin'?
We're goin' back to L.A.
I don't know where I'm going, really.
Well, you want a lift, you're welcome.
Sure thing. Can't stick around here.
Okay.
Once we get there, you're on your own.
Fair enough.
Thank you.
Hollywood.
I killed ol' Jackson
smartly today, didn't I, Jack?
I guess.
Hey, Jackson, how come
you alw get it first?
I don't always get it first.
The hell you don't.
He gets it first 'cause he's ugly
and they want to get rid of him quick.
I heard 'em talkin' about it.
You know, if this great land
had been filled
with tiny turds like yourself
runnin' around in leather vests
and shootin' their mouths off,
it would still belong to Mr. red man.
Give me that bottle.
How much does this kind of work pay?
Depends on what you do and how you do it.
Take a fall, that's so much.
If you get one in the gut,
that's somethin' else.
Depends, too, on if they like ya.
Me, they like.
You the star of this picture?
Yeah, I'm the star.
That's why I'm ridin' back here
with these shitkickers.
Now, they're up there somewhere
in the buick.
That's where the money is.
Is it?
Wads of it.
Ask ol' Howard how it feels
to be ridin' up front.
I hear it's pretty grand.
- Goodnight, Jackson.
- Bye, Howard.
- See ya, Sam.
- Goodnight, boys.
Vaya con dios.
Adios, kid.
So long, fellas.
Thanks a lot.
Okay, kid.
Well, I'd have you come in, kid,
but I've, I've got company.
Same here, kid.
Well, that's perfectly fine.
I understand.
There's a half-dozen
boardinghouses over there.
Is that right?
Goodnight.
See you fellas later.
Hoo-hoo!
"He found himself..."
"In a tropical..."
"Hellhole of savages..."
"...living by his wits..."
"And prairie cunning..."
"He met the challenge
of this womanless land"...
Womanless land.
Womanless.
Hello.
Do you just walk in places unannounced?
Well, the guys up front
said she was back here.
Ignore him. He's dyspeptic.
Hey, how's that bump doin',
it's about flat, thanks...
Sort of like my wallet.
I'm looking for a job.
You and the rest of the country.
I suppose you're a cowboy?
I know a lot about them 'course.
Basically, however, I'm a writer.
Yeah, that's right...
Western prose.
I was wondering... it struck me...
Somebody must write your...
"Scenario" is the word
you're searching for.
That's it... scenarios.
Somebody must write 'em.
Yeah, well, somebody does.
These days it's usually Kessler,
the boss himself.
The writers we used to use are all out
on Santa Monica boulevard sellin' apples.
You want one?
Thanks.
Listen, I've got my own typewriter.
Sorry, partner. It doesn't mean a thing.
If you don't have any writing positions,
maybe there's something else I can do,
something where I can soak up
a little western atmosphere.
Can you ride a horse?
Sure.
Look, fill this out.
Put your name,
place where we can reach ya.
I don't know.
Western atmosphere?
Kid, are you handy with your mitts?
Sure.
Think you can deal
with tough, ornery cowpokes
day in and day out?
I know I can.
Howard, there's nothin' around.
Got to be room for a kid
like this at the rio.
Why don't you give 'em a jingle?
The rio? That sounds swell.
Is it a ranch?
Hey, where you been hidin'?
Nowhere. I only
just started here this morning.
Hard times?
A guy like you washin' dishes.
There gonna have me
doin' somethin' else later.
You're not the type, right?
I can tell a lot about a man
from little things...
The way he moves,
the way he uses his hands.
That sort of thing.
Observation...
That's the chief way
you learn things about people.
You, for instance,
you got a kind of artistic way about you.
What are you, a musician?
Well, then, let's see.
The manager.
I dare say I'll catch it.
A writer!
I'm a western writer.
I knew it was somethin' like that.
Who is it?
Mrs. stern.
What do you want?
You got a call.
You have a call for me?
That's what she says.
When you hear my whistle,
I want to see gunfire...
Lots of it.
Keep it up until you hear
my second whistle.
Jackson...
Jackson, you take the first bullet.
Then Wally... And you, kid.
Space it out.
Burt.
Men, keep it simple,
but make me believe it.
Everyone got that?
Okay, no mistakes, please.
Everyone up on the hill
and behind your rock.
Move your asses!
First Jackson and then Wally and then me,
wasn't that it?
Correct.
I think I'm gonna take one
right through the forehead.
The forehead's terrible, it's awful.
In this business, a man
gets shot through the heart.
It's clean. Unless, of course,
they're lookin' to graze him,
in which case the gun hand
or the shoulder is acceptable.
The leaded messenger of death
took the kid by surprise,
driving deep into his shoulder.
Although the pain was enormous,
he did not fall.
Howard...
Yeah?
Do you think this outfit looks alright?
The fit seems kind of tight.
What do you think of trouty, Howard?
I mean, in terms
of general attractiveness.
Walkin' around in slacks
the way she does,
woman like that's hard to tell.
Could be her sexual interests
are deviant.
I know Kessler's been chasin'
her ass for years
without success.
'Course, that's Kessler.
Everybody ready?
Roll it.
I'm rushin' him.
Stay here!
Aha!
In the rocks, you dumb putz!
Burt, no, he's just a kid.
Burt, you promised me.
Burt, please.
He's just a kid.
I'll kill him!
No, he's just a kid.
Burt, you promised me.
Burt, please.
What made me do a thing like that?
Don't worry about it, kid.
I'll do better, really.
I've never done anything
so stupid before.
Well, you gotta relax, act natural.
You're too tight.
Nobody cares about that kind of stuff
unless you got a big part.
Just die natural.
Anyway, you might pull a muscle.
Well, think you boys can take
another two days of this...
Roughing it?
Seriously, though, compadres,
that was really punk out there today...
I mean stinko.
I think we all know that.
If we're gonna come in under the wire,
we're gonna have to catch fire here.
You lousy sons of bitches
aren't getting soft on me now, are ya?
Hell no.
Give him one, Sam.
Yee!
Yee-aha!
Yah!
Hoo!
That's what I like to hear!
World beaters, every one of ya!
Wild-ass Sage kickers!
Thank you very much!
Don't let me down!
You're not gonna let me down, are ya?
Is he gone?
Yup.
Asshole.
He gets a little behind schedule,
he's a regular pain in the neck.
He's okay by me.
Let's get one more big one.
Hoo!
Hoo!
Knock it off, kid.
You see...
What we gotta do here
is set up a little
public relations, that's all.
The more we carry on,
the better he feels.
If you did okay, they ask you back.
You'll catch on.
Course, it don't always
work out that way.
Some guys get the axe...
Especially if they've fouled up.
No offense intended.
I know one tenderfoot's
gonna get his pecker shot off
if he don't turn in.
This cast is beginning to itch.
Good.
Fellas, I'd be a liar
if I said I wasn't disappointed.
Alright, I'm willing to raise
my previous offer $3.
That brings the total up to $7.50.
That's 7 dollars and 50 cents.
Well, my foot's all swolled up
from the lizard bite I got
last night or I'd be glad to.
I'd be the last one in the world
to hold anything over a man's head,
but the object of this outfit
is making films.
If we can't get a man
to jump on that horse,
then I suggest we all
ought to take a long, hard look
in the shaving mirror
tomorrow morning when we get up,
see what kind of men are looking back!
Speaking for myself, Mr.
Kessler, I'd be glad to do it,
if it wasn't for my back.
Fellas, I know it's not easy.
I know that.
And Lyle, if he was a better rider,
he'd be the first one in
the world to do his own stunts,
but he ain't.
As big a heart as that man's got,
he still can't ride for shit,
and there ain't a thing
in the world we can do about it!
Can I get somebody?!
How about $8.50?
You got your man!
And you don't have to pay me
a dime extra for it.
Sid... sid!
You think you can do it, kid?
- Sure.
- What's your name, kid?
Lewis tater.
Well, listen, Taylor,
the one thing I'm worried about
is the window.
If we have to do a second take,
replace the window,
you're talking about 25 smackers.
You got me?
Don't worry about a thing.
Alright, settle down, people, please.
Roll it.
Action!
Action!
Those damn cowboys!
I always said they were great, didn't I?
Always said you can't beat 'em.
You always said you couldn't trust them.
Well, you misunderstood me.
He didn't wear a cup.
Son of a bitch.
Didn't anybody tell him?
I think they're pushed
somewhere up around my chest.
He ain't even gettin' paid
for it, that's the awful part.
Whenever they want something special,
like that kind of a jump,
you've got to wait 'em out.
You wait till the price gets high enough
till it makes it worth your while.
You never do it for nothin'.
You'll ruin the business.
Right.
Nobody's gonna like you.
I can't help it.
I get excited.
God damn it!
I gotta watch that. I keep forgetting.
What's that, arthritis?
No, I fell from a box elder.
Box elder's a tree.
I did it jumping a guy
during a fight scene.
Interesting things have been happening
since I've been last here.
Let's see, well, for instance...
And this'll act as evidence
to prove I'm not a liar...
I got all these damn bruises.
Got 'em in fight scenes, action stunts,
that sort of thing.
The fact is...
I am in moving pictures.
There is one bruise,
though, that is private.
I caught it jumping a horse.
As I say, it is private,
unless, of course,
you might find it int...
I was wondering if, possibly,
you knew the young man who just exited?
We have reason to believe, you see,
that the lad has attached himself
to a moving picture company.
Who wants to know?
His father wants to know.
His father?
Yes, his father.
That poor gentleman suffers
from a heart disorder.
And he wants to see his son.
Perhaps, for the last time.
I'm sorry, but I've never
seen him before in my life.
Excuse me.
Rio.
How many?
Wait a minute.
Jack, are you still with...
Yeah, triangle.
Okay.
2 blts down.
1 tuna rye, hold the Mayo.
2 tangos and a... Milky way.
Alright.
Hey, trouty, here's that stunt
I was telling you about.
Is that me? Let me see, lucky.
No, it's not you.
Kid, I sent you for coffee.
What the hell you been doin',
playin' football with it?
What a pissant!
He thinks he's gonna make
that kind of money as a heavy!
He's crazy. Nobody, and I mean
nobody's gonna give it to him.
Let him find out for himself.
I wash my hands off that guy.
If I were you guys...
I'd take a powder.
Things aren't what you'd
call cordial around here.
Now what?
You gonna honor your commitment?
Hell yes. Hell yes, I'm gonna honor it.
One thing about me is I don't get nervous
when something like this happens.
Guys like Lester are hamburger
in this business...
So much a pound.
Hey, hold it!
How many times do I
have to tell you guys?
You want to hang around, do it outside.
This ain't a goddamn corral.
You're the kid that jumped
the horse, right?
Yes, sir.
Okay, come with me.
Sit down, kid.
Go ahead, relax.
You ever deliver any lines?
Deliver what?
Lines.
Talkin'. You ever spoke before
in a movin' picture?
I never have.
It doesn't matter. It's probably better.
You just do everything
I tell you from now on,
we'll get along just fine.
Kid, how would you like
to make $55 a week?
Wait a minute.
Let's make that $60.
- I'd like to.
- Sure you would.
It's a hell of a thing. Kid your
age making that kinda money.
I'm not gonna fool around.
We're pushing through a new feature,
and you just got the nod for a nice part.
You interested?
I think so.
You think so?
Well, kid, you better be damn sure.
What do you say?
Mr. gates, this is...
Lewis tater.
Mr. Taylor, our new, young heavy.
Tater.
Right.
Mr. gates represents
a distributing chain.
We make 'em, he gets 'em out.
Fair enough?
I know it isn't easy,
but that's the way I want it.
Well, everybody's got a different head...
Contour, shape. Nothing's the same.
What's good for Zane grey
isn't necessarily good for you.
You mean you aren't even trying
to match it?
Well, of course I'm trying.
What the hell makes you think I'm not?
Because it doesn't look right.
I saw that!
First of all, the damn guy's a
writer, not an actor.
So what?
You want me to cut it so you can
write a book or be in a movie?
I want you to cut it like the
picture. That's how I want it.
Hold it. Jesus.
Sit down.
Hey, tater, let's make one!
Tater, move your ass!
That's me they want.
Please don't. Please don't.
You don't have to act so refined
around me.
This ain't a cotillion.
Tater, please. We're falling behind.
Go on, go on, it's alright.
Come on.
Alright, please, everyone, settle down.
This is the rehearsal. Burt.
Go ahead.
Please... don't.
Please don't.
You don't have to act so refined
around me.
This ain't a cotillion.
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
That's awful.
Come here.
Let's look at it from
a different angle, alright?
Let's try and take it
from her point of view.
You're coming on good-looking, in a...
In a twisted kind of way.
And naturally she's gonna be
suspicious of your intentions.
That's what we want. That's her job.
Right now, she's got nothing
to interest her.
Yeah, I know that's right.
Kid, you're lacking nothing
but confidence.
Come here. I want to show you something.
Take a look at that.
What do you see?
Why, hell, with those features
and that outfit...
I get goosebumps just lookin' at it.
Do you think any woman
in her right mind's
gonna be able to resist that?
Nope.
You think she can?
I don't know.
Well, I'm gonna tell you
what's gonna happen
if you want to know. You want to know?
Sure.
You're gonna end up
breakin' her damn heart.
That's what's gonna happen.
What do you think about that?
I am?
You believe me?
I think I do.
Come on. Let's shoot.
Please don't.
You don't have to act so refined
around me.
This ain't a cotillion.
I don't know what you mean.
I think you do, alright.
Take your hands off me!
Come here.
Ugghh!
A-a-a-and cut.
Beautiful, Lyle.
Really beautiful.
What do you think?
Gates?
I'm sorry, you're gonna have to
interpret that for me.
It means okay.
I gotta admit, that kid wasn't too bad.
The kid?
Taylor.
Maybe you ought to give him
a test or a two-reeler.
See what happens.
You think so?
Why not?
No, no, I was thinking
the same thing myself.
One thing, though... don't say
anything to him about it.
Let me handle it.
It'll be cheaper that way.
Okay?
Where you goin'?
Where you goin'?
- Hey, Lewis.
- Why, hi.
Lewis, we just saw your footage.
How was it?
Strictly standard stuff, kid.
How about the scene with the lady?
Let's go to the rio
and get a cup of coffee.
Listen, I'd like you to stop by
Bruno's and get some 8x10s.
I'd just like to see you
in some different duds.
- Who's Bruno?
- He's a photog...
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Come see me in the office tomorrow, okay?
Okay.
I said to the guy, I said,
I can't consider myself...
I think I'll skip the coffee,
Burt. Thanks, anyway.
So, anyway...
Hey, mind if I butt in?
No.
Good.
I-I got a package back there
at tumbleweed
needs carryin' home.
Could you give me a hand?
Sure.
Good, then, we'll cross over here.
Come on.
Well, we're almost certain
he's with a moving picture company.
Nobody by that description?
Listen, one more thing...
I know it sounds a little vague,
but the young man is very physical.
He runs like a gazelle.
Doesn't ring a bell?
Well, thanks.
Thanks anyway.
Ix-nay?
What am I carrying, anyway?
If it's nothing personal.
No. It's just a radio.
I won it last night at a screeno
game at the pantages.
Just my luck... the heaviest prize.
It's probably very well made.
Hey, how are you holdin' up?
Okay.
It's just that where I
come from, it's very level.
Yeah, where's that?
- Nevada.
- Really?
There's nothing wrong with that.
Lots of exciting things happen in Nevada.
Yeah? Like what, for instance?
Well, you, got your... your Indians...
Your, mesquite, your precious metals
your Indians sell.
Where are you really from, Lewis?
Iowa.
I don't know what made me say Nevada.
Forget it.
Most of the cowpokes we use
are from back east, anyway.
Maybe it's the acting.
I never figured on it.
Thanks.
Where shall I set it?
Yeah...
How about over there?
Okey-dokey.
Lewis the reluctant cowboy.
Most guys I know
would mortgage their mother
to ride the celluloid trail.
But you would rather write.
Hey, you know,
you ought to let Howard pike
take a look at your stuff.
Howard? Why?
I shouldn't really tell you this, but...
Kessler's been makin' westerns
for 16 years...
Cannot handle cowboy lingo.
So he pays pike 5 simoleons
a week under the table
to help him out.
Howard pike? No kidding?
Yeah.
He's a great old coot...!
Well, look at that.
Shall we join her?
Pardon me?
One dance and then you gotta go, soldier.
Do they dance in Iowa?
Sure.
Tender lips that once were mine
Tender eyes that shine
they will light... My way tonight
I'll see you in...
This is very interesting.
I've always wondered what kind
of place you dwelled in.
Mystery lady's lair.
Are there other rooms in this place?
I mean, where do you sleep?
In my bedchamber...
Through those doors over there.
Is it?
Do you mind if I look in there?
Mnh-mnh. Be my guest.
It's not that I'm nosy.
I try and make it a point
when I'm in a new place
to get the lay of the land... Jesus!
You know the first thing a writer does
in a situation like this?
Fixes things in his mind.
Draws a bead on it.
You know what I mean by that?
It means finding a word
you can remember...
One that tells you something about it.
This bed here, for instance...
I'd say it was resourceful...
or maybe...
Ingenious.
Now, that's not bad.
As a matter of fact, that's good.
For instance...
Shut up, Lewis.
...where the daisies
cover the country lanes
We'll make Cain while the sun shines
We'll make love when it rains...
Sorry, kid. The bell doesn't work.
What are you doin' walkin'
around in all this sunshine?
You're wet as a fish.
Take off your coat.
Put it over there.
You got a match?
Let me check here.
I don't believe I do.
Never mind.
My rock.
Fell on me during a climbin'
stunt up at vasquez.
I thought about cuttin' it
in half or somethin',
but I figured it wouldn't have
the same meaning, you know?
That what you called me about?
This?
Yeah, it is...
Something I wrote.
Western novel, actually.
I finished it over a year ago.
Trouty told me maybe
you'd, read it sometime,
and give me your opinion.
She did?
I don't know if I've ever
discussed the fact with you,
Howard, but what I am really,
see, is a writer.
Writer.
I think I've heard you
mention that once or twice.
You ever been published?
Well, no, I'm...
Well, kid...
If a person saying he was something
was all there was to it,
this country would be full
of rich men and good-looking women.
Kings and queens, you know what I mean?
Too bad it isn't that easy?
In short, when someone else
says you're a writer,
that's when you're a writer...
Not before.
Mucho pages, amigo.
2 1/2 pounds.
I weighed it.
"Hearts of the west...
A novel by Lewis tater."
Well, sometimes it's a little
bit difficult to determine
with these ribald kids,
but I'd say he's a 16 1/2, 35.
You got any idea how many lugs
I have to outfit
during the course of a week?
Look, I'd like to help you if I could,
but right now, I have to make a living.
Is that okay with you?
Kid, you made the wall of the rio.
Looks a little like maynard.
Or maybe Billy pueblo.
- Don't he?
- Bullshit I do.
He does, alright...
Kind of hunched up and ready to strike.
Pueblo... now he wrote great westerns.
I read "trail of gold" eight times.
Never did see any of the movies
he acted in, though.
Frugal man.
Never spent a dime he didn't have to.
Put everything
into a Montana weasel ranch.
Weasel pelts took a jump
three years later,
now he walks around
a big house in silk pajamas.
Wonderful success.
We're talkin' about independent wealth.
Money.
Guy comes up...
Salesman.
He says, "yes, sir, what'll it be?"
You say, "Taj Mahal, please."
"Not for sale," he says. "Sorry."
"Well, then," you say,
"I'll take the whole damn country.
Whatever it is, wrap it up."
"Yes, sir," he says smiling.
And he does, wraps it up.
That's independent wealth for you.
Anyway, I've seen a lot of them,
and I'll tell you this much...
None of them takes
as good a glossy as this one...
Not the first time around, anyway.
How much are them monkeys gonna pay ya?
I don't know. We're gonna talk
about it tomorrow.
Now, listen... personally,
I wouldn't accept
anything less than $150 a week.
When you're in with Kessler,
wait till he starts to squawk,
then head slowly for the door.
- What'll happen?
- You won't reach the knob.
Guaranteed.
Play him like a fish.
- $150?
- Yeah.
Anything less than that,
tell him to take a dunk.
Take a dunk.
Do what?
Mr. Kessler, I'm not working for $110.
Who said you were?
Just try to look at it
from a different point of view.
Fair enough?
You know what it costs?
$75.
Now, you add to that
$87.50 for the outfit,
$20 for glossies, $15
for miscellaneous expenses...
You're talking about faith,
the faith of one man... me...
And the future of neddy wales.
It's a matter of perspective.
On the one hand, we have a side
represented by yourself, the artist,
that says I saw him
go through the turnstile.
At this point, nobody's got a beef.
All you want is your fair share
of the pie.
I'm not working for any $110.
Well, of course you're not.
I'm trying to explain something
to you for your own good.
I'm talking about something
beyond conventional value.
I'm talking about wisdom, experience...
Things like that.
Now, we see the patrons
of the competition
circling the globe
like earthworms, Lewis.
How many? Millions.
Let's look back at our line,
at how many people?
Hundreds, thousands.
Do you know why, Lewis?
I'll tell you why.
Because you are small potatoes, Lewis!
You are small, pitiful potatoes!
What you are is a maybe,
and maybes don't draw big bankrolls!
I'm willing to go $115.
- Screw $115.
- $120, then.
This can be worked out.
I feel that way, we're close.
I don't feel anything.
Kid, I'm gonna extend myself
for both of our sakes.
You know, I can do a lot
for a kid like you,
but we've got to build.
We've got to take it slow.
You got to be a steady Eddie.
$130. I think $130 is very fair.
Why don't we...
Why don't we drink to that?
Do you want a drink?
Let's... let's drink to 1-3-0.
Let's just have a drink, okay?
Drink to 1-3-0.
Where are you goin'? What are you doin'?
Where are you goin'?
You're fired, pissant!
Fired!
Fired!
Cut.
- Print.
- Alright.
Lunch... one hour!
Trouty!
Lewis, what are you doin' here?
Lucky told me
you were fillin' in here today.
I gotta talk to ya.
What'd you do, enlist?
I couldn't even get through
the damn gate at this place.
I borrowed it from an extra for a buck.
It's gotta be back before lunch is over.
Okay, what's up?
I got fired.
What?
Kessler fired you?
He wouldn't give me the $150 I asked for.
$150 per?
That's more than Lyle gets.
Howard told me if he...
Howard pike?!
I told you to ask him for
literary, not economic, advice.
Look, I like Howard,
but he doesn't know his ass
from his elbow about money.
Lewis, did you ever hear of Billy pueblo?
Next time you're at the rio,
take a look at Billy's photo
and see if it doesn't remind you
of your financial advisor.
Howard pike is Billy pueblo?
One and the same,
with some bad years in between.
That's why I told you
to show him some of your yarns.
Billy pueblo has read my novel.
No, Howard told me...
Billy pueblo walks around
all day in silk pajamas.
He's got a big weasel ranch.
Weasel ranch? That's a pip.
He's got a job working for Burt Kessler
is what he's got.
Excuse me.
You know, I feel like the good fairy
handing out these morsels of assistance.
Lewis, do you know who a.J. Nietz is?
Who?
My god, don't they teach
writers how to survive anymore?
A.j. nietz.
He publishes pulps.
You get along with a guy like that,
- and life will prove bearable.
- So?
So I used to work
for his brother-in-law...
A schlock musical producer.
You know, maybe he can
get you in to see nietz.
I'll call him tomorrow.
The rest is up to you.
Come with me... the moonbeams
Fine tahitian skies
and the starlit waters
linger in your eyes
hey, them hills are calling
to them we belong
and we'll cheer each other
with a pagan love song
hey, them hills are calling
To them we belong
and we'll cheer each other
With... the... pagan
love s-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong
Okay, kids, relax.
Well, what do you think?
If you enjoy entertaining
the crew, not bad.
Otherwise, it belongs
in a rehearsal hall.
A rehearsal hall is where you
rehearse, not here.
This is a soundstage.
You're the kid trout called about?
Well, what shall I do with it?
Well, the first thing I would do
is get rid of that noodle
in the pith helmet.
And then...
shoot it.
Okay, let's make it.
Listen, I feel like hell
about this, but, ol' a.J.
Is up to his ass in new projects,
and, frankly, I-i told trout
I'm in no position to butt in.
Maybe if you can come back in
a couple of months, we could...
You know.
What's that?
Don't even ask.
Breaks my heart.
Is it a tragedy?
For me, yes.
I'm 2 grand short
of getting it off the ground.
"The rainbow trail."
A western?
Mounted police.
A beauty in 12 chapters.
I could start it tomorrow
if I had the $2,000 today.
Maybe we can help each other out here.
How do you mean?
Well, if I can raise the money,
do you think...
If you could raise the money,
I'll get you in to see nietz somehow.
I'll see what I can do.
Bruce crater, right?
Lewis tater.
T-a-t-e-r.
I love all your fish.
What's the matter? I scare ya?
Trouty, you're gonna have to leave.
What? What kind of a welcome is that?
I carried this damn cutout all
the way from tumbleweed and...
What you got there?
Nothing.
Lewis.
Lewis, I thought you were broke.
I am.
What's that, a banana?
Hey, where am I going?
I just got here! Lewis!
I thought we could go for a walk
or something.
You never let me know what happened.
Trouty, I'll call you later.
Lewis!
Mr. weeks claims to be
the assistant registrar.
Claim to be and am.
I'm sorry, Mr. weeks,
it's just that we rarely see
a college administrator
in a windbreaker.
It's an agricultural college.
Mr. weeks, I understand
you'd like to open an account
for the university of titan
and make a withdrawal on the same day.
Correct.
And you are depositing...
$1,100 in currency,
and $2,575 in money orders.
Correct.
Normally, our procedure
is to allow six to eight days
for clearance of money orders.
In these days, with banks
falling like duckpins,
and a university
is willing to deposit $3,675
as a pledge of good faith in the economy
and in your bank, in particular.
I guess these funds
are destined for other coffers.
Mr. weeks, how much is it
you'd like to withdraw?
$2,000.
Leaving the bank with $1,675
of the university's resources.
Unbelievable.
Listen, I'll call nietz right away.
You may as well give him this
when you see him.
What's Mr. nietz have to do
with this money?
Are you kidding?
He's paying for the serial.
Okay, look,
my brother-in-law the publisher
puts up the money...
$10,000. If I go over budget...
Which I won't...
He dips into this 2 grand.
When the picture's wrapped,
he gives us back our money, you got it?
The same check?
If that's important to you, yes.
I want you to know this is not my money.
It's borrowed
from a lot of different people.
This check is gonna go right into a safe.
It'll never be touched.
Look...
Don't let him know
whose money it is, will ya?
I'd rather he thought
it comes from the account of yours truly?
Take a hat.
Please.
Any one?
Good choice.
You write westerns, don't you?
Mostly.
Would you like to hear something
about my novel?
Have you...
Ever been...
In love?
Love is a great experience.
Perhaps the greatest.
That's what I've heard.
Love seeketh not itself to please.
Come on!
The coldest critic of them all.
You don't mind, do you?
I-I guess not.
Thank you, mister...
Tater.
Do you have something for me
in an envelope, Mr. tater?
I almost forgot.
Mr. tater...
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Well, he's kind of a big galoot
with an athletic neck, you know?
A blond kid?
Sorry, boys.
Well, can you tell us
how to get to beechwood place?
Follow your nose one mile.
Can you shake and shift
with that thing on your hand?
Do birds fly?
Mr. tater...
A Mr. nietz called.
He wants to see you tomorrow at noon.
Here's the address.
What for? Did he say?
Brunch.
Brunch?
What is brunch?
Want a bagel, sir?
Alright.
Thank you.
Lox, sir?
Might I suggest the sturgeon?
The lox is very salty here.
Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
Give the gentleman some sturgeon.
You'll like it. It'll even go
with the cream cheese.
Sturgeon, sir.
Thank you.
I'll have some, too.
That again? Eww!
Sturgeon for me.
Have you seen what Von sternburg
has done with her?
I know he's German,
but he's obsessed with women...
Naturally... like all Germans are.
And he's taken her, this beautiful woman,
this goddess,
and he's transformed her
into an evil bird.
Hello, Rita.
She's really a very sick girl.
She's been in deep analysis
for four years.
She'll be hysterical in another hour.
Actually, the cause of it
is her white diet.
She can only eat white things, you know?
A.j.
A.j.
Okay, okay, Larry.
Go bore somebody else.
Did you read the new Franz werfel?
I read it, I read it.
Did it break your heart?
It broke it.
You're enjoying yourself?
Very interesting brunch...
All this unusual food.
What you got there?
Sturgeon... that's good.
The lox is a little salty this week.
Mike.
Mr. Frankfurt represents the times.
He's, he's a critic.
Mr. Frankfurt is
currently reading a manuscript
submitted to me
under cloudy circumstances.
The vast pacific.
That's right.
As I was saying, Mr. Frankfurt
is reading a piece of material
submitted to me
under cloudy circumstances.
Cloudy?
A curious piece...
Rough in spots, but altogether alive.
Possessed of a disarming,
childlike simplicity.
Sounds very interesting.
I have two copies
of this remarkable manuscript
from separate sources.
Peculiar?
A pain in the ass.
What's it called?
"Hearts of the west."
You have two copies?
Two.
I don't understand.
Neither do I.
However, I would like
to leave that for the moment
and introduce you to the author.
The author?
The author.
Howard.
Hey, compadre.
I thought that since you two gentlemen
share similar tastes
in western literature,
you might enjoy meeting.
Now, listen, kid...
Before you go and fly off the handle,
I'd advise you...
I don't need any more
of your advice, Howard.
Billy pueblo.
You were goddamn Billy pueblo!
You meant something to people, Howard!
I was backed in a corner, kid...
Headin' for alimony jail...
buyin' a few extra days.
You got to hear me out...
I told you,
I don't want your damn advice!
Didn't I tell you that?!
I didn't know he was gonna publish it...
Did you read it?!
I looked at it.
Uhhhhh!
Well, it just, gives out, you know?
Causing death.
Naturally, when they requested,
I traced their missing son.
I simply couldn't refuse.
That him?
- Please?
- Listen...
- I said please.
- Kessler, I am very tired.
Just one drink. And I promise to go.
I gotta be at the rio
in 20 minutes, anyway.
- I'm paying the check.
- You're paying for sid's stag?
Yeah, it's the least I could do.
You make me feel like socially inferior!
I don't want things to get out of hand.
How could anything
get out of hand in 20 minutes?
We're both adults.
20 minutes and you're out, Kessler.
You're a hell of a hostess,
you know that?
Lewis!
I thought you were on location.
It's neddy wales, the cowboy prince!
When's the coronation, kid?
Lewis, where are you goin'?
It's just like back home.
Every time we have soup for supper,
I get a peppercorn on the first swallow.
Lewis!
Lew...
happy days are here again
The skies above are clear again
So let's sing a song of cheer again
Happy days are here again
Altogether, shout it now
There's no one who can doubt it now
So let's tell the world about it now
Happy days are here again
Your cares and troubles are gone
There'll be no more from now on
Happy days are here again
The skies...
Wait, wait, I wouldn't go
in there, ma'am!
Okay, hold it down, boys!
Hold it down.
Story time.
Howard, have you seen Lewis?
Where's Lewis?
Screw him.
Can you hear me?
Alright, cut it out.
I'm only kidding around.
Lewis is in trouble. I can't find him.
Well, he ain't here, you can see that.
Fellas, who's got a story? Who's got a...
Sam, come on up and tell us a story!
Somebody's been to his apartment.
That's no sweat off my hocks.
What are you doing here?
This affair is gents-only.
Howard!
Let's hear it for Howard!
Excuse me, troutster.
Duty calls.
Our own Howard.
Want me to tell it straight?
You know me... no bullshit.
You think you can handle this assignment?
Give 'em hell,
you leathery son of a bitch.
Well, let's see.
One time Jackson and me was
ridin' out by the wicker ranch.
We run into some bad weather
and had to put up there for the night.
Now, at that time,
old man wicker's girls
was about 16 years old.
Locomotive and caboose we called 'em.
One of 'em, Clarice,
she looked like she had hid
a couple of prize hens
up under her sweater.
And the other one...
Loraleen, I believe it was...
She has hers all behind...
Biggest ass I've ever seen.
That's why, locomotive and caboose...
One of 'em up front,
and the other, behind.
Well, anyhow...
Trouty, he's at my place.
Jackson spied this inner tube,
and, he brought it
over to me and had this...
Had this big grin on his face...
923 north bower.
Hey, Jackson, why don't you tell it?
You were the one pulled
the trick on those girls.
Come on, come on.
Get Jackson up here to tell it.
Hey, Howard, where you goin'?
Look, trouty, just because I'm from Iowa.
When I see a man in a tuxedo
with two glasses in his hand...
Forget Kessler. He was on his
way to sid's stag.
He wanted to kibitz for a
minute. I couldn't keep him out.
Listen, Lewis, I went
to your place after you ran out.
It looked like the crimean war
had played there.
You didn't turn on the lights, did you?
Yes, I turned on the lights.
Lewis, what kind of trouble are you in?
Who said I'm in any trouble?
Why don't you just step over
there and push down that latch?
I don't expect any problems.
Sometimes it's just better
to play it safe, that's all.
My god! Hey!
Don't say another word and
you may survive this evening.
Hey, listen, let her go.
She doesn't know a damn thing.
What I told the lady
goes for you, too, junior.
Hey, hold it.
What do you think you're doing?
Look, I'd give you back
the money, but it's gone.
I put most of it in a moving picture.
The rest's in a bank... Honest.
Look, how was I gonna get it back to ya?
Wait a minute.
You want land... farm land?
You don't want it now, but
someday you'll wanna retire.
You'll have to share it, of course,
but it's good land... fertile.
Come on, yes or no?
You're hurting me.
I am tired of this whole thing.
Maybe it's my fault
for not making that clear.
First you come in the door...
Ruin the lock.
Who is gonna pay for somethin' like that?
I'm a guest in this house.
You abuse the lady...
And you take my wallet.
Well, it should be
no surprise to you, then,
to know that I'm fed up.
Jesus, you shot me in the elbow.
I can hardly believe you really did that.
Give me that.
I think you killed him!
Howard, you're terrific.
You looked like old Billy pueblo
comin' through that door
all hunched up and ready to strike.
And you killed that skinny bastard.
If I did, it was a miracle of the lord,
'cause I was shootin' blanks.
Blanks? Really?
No kiddin'.
That's terrific.
Better get this man
some medical attention, trouty.
Jesus, there's a hole in my leg,
a round hole.
Well, it isn't really round,
but it's a hole.
Howard, I can't believe it.
They come in here, shoot, don't even ask.
Shoot me in the elbow and the leg...
Once here and once here. Bandits.
Help me get my pants on.
Take it easy, take it easy.
Twice.
I've been shot by bandits.
Where?
Bower and fountain.
Yes, yes, please. Will you hurry?
I want you to know that this whole affair
has been a terrible embarrassment.
I really never meant
for things to go quite that far.
Take it easy.
Easy does it, easy does it.
I come all the way out here
and what happens?
Place goes crazy.
Watch your feet there.
Shootout.
The room lit up with gunfire.
Alright, up.
Howard? Howard?
Yeah?
This would make one hell
of a story, don't you think?
Sure it would.
Thing like this
could be worth a lot of money.
We're talkin'
about independent wealth here.
Salesman, he says, "what'll it be, sir?"
And you tell him, "Taj Mahal."
"Sorry," he says. "That's not for sale."
"Well, then," you say,
"give me the whole damn country."
"Yes, sir," he says.
And he does.
He wraps it on up.
That's independent wealth, for ya.
Weasels and silk pajamas.
Troutster, you go along with the boy.
Who is that kid?
Lewis tater.
He's a writer.
Just sold his first novel.
The slightest smile
broke across the kid's face
as the barking revolvers
became nothing but a memory.
Secure in the knowledge of his friendship
with the old trapper and the girl,
he sped along...
He had done his job.
Hold you in my arms
someone took you out of my arms
Still I feel the thrill
of your charms
Lips that once were mine
tender eyes that shine
they will light my way tonight
I'll see you in my dreams
lips that once were mine
tender eyes that shine
they will light my way tonight
I'll see... You...
In... My... Dr-e-e-e-eams