Heavier Trip (2024) Movie Script
1
(wind blowing gently)
(voices whispering)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(thunder crashing)
(thunder crashes)
(electrical humming)
(electrical humming)
(in English)
Hello.
We are Impaled Rektum,
and we are here to play...
(heavy metal theme playing)
...um, dance music.
(band playing "Prisoner
of Flesh" humpaa style)
Incarcerated
Chained to this floor
This forsaken dungeon
I must endure
Behind these bars
of torment
My spirit yearns to soar
A prisoner of existence
Craving something more
The world outside beckons
A place I'll never see
Bounty a stone and mortar
My spirit can be free
Like a fly
in need of shit
I need to fly once more
If only my wings had...
(playing death metal)
Yeah!
(singing death metal
indistinctly)
Stop it! Now!
(whistle blows)
(Turo laughs)
(in Finnish)
BAND MEMBERS:
(wheel squeaking)
(men yelling intermittently
in distance)
WARDEN (in English):
Ah, Mr. Xytrax. Heh.
Warden.
Listen, having
the biggest library
of metal in Europe
is wonderful, really wonderful.
I even write about it in
our PrisonAdvisor page, but...
(electric guitar riffing)
(yells indistinctly)
(guitar stops)
Are you okay?
(guitar continues)
(grunts affirmatively)
(guitar stops)
(whistles)
Anyway,
as I was saying,
some of our inmates
have been...
rather vocal
about the music selection,
and, um,
I was just wondering,
is it possible
to maybe try other genres?
No.
No?
No. Okay.
Good talk!
LOTVONEN:
Hey.
(in Finnish)
(plays three notes)
(playing discordant notes)
(Oula yells)
-(stops playing)
-(Oula grunts)
LOTVONEN:
(washer thumping rhythmically)
(metal guitar playing
same rhythm)
(drum beat joining in)
(crowd cheering)
XYTRAX:
(washer thumping rhythmically)
Mm-hmm.
(slow metal theme playing)
(door lock buzzes in distance)
(door opens, closes)
(in English)
Gentlemen.
(in Finnish)
(in English) Please allow me
to introduce myself.
My name
is Maxwell Efraim Fisto.
(in English)
Nice to meet you.
Wow.
Impaled Rektum.
Your reputation precedes you.
You're the most dangerous band
in the world right now.
Nice.
Yet, you don't seem like
the usual suspects.
Serving a prison sentence for...
causing an armed conflict
between Finland and Norway,
grave robbing, kidnapping.
I was in a mental hospital.
Anger issues.
All in the past, though.
(chuckles)
I represent and manage
the biggest bands
in metal music.
Maybe, I don't know if you've
heard of some of my clients.
Vomit Distributor,
Corpse Kisser.
-Bloodmotor.
-Bloodmotor?
The reason why I'm here is
because I have
a proposition for you.
A concert.
In Wacken. Germany.
Wacken is
the biggest, loudest, hardest,
most amazing metal
music festival in the world.
A hundred thousand people
gather together
to celebrate the world's
greatest metal music bands.
Is Dave Mustaine
going to be there?
Everyone is going
to be there.
(chuckles)
Okay.
Sounds good.
Your compensation.
I know it's not much,
50,000 euros,
but a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity
to melt faces on an epic scale.
And after Wacken...
-(thumps on table)
-...I promise you
all your dreams
are gonna come true.
So, what do you say?
(laughter)
No.
Why no?
Wacken is
an overcommercial festival
for wannabe metalheads.
And we already have
our own tour planned.
But it's
a big opportunity.
We could think about it.
FISTO:
What a shame.
Maybe this is not for you,
after all.
No!
I mean, yes!
We could...
Also, we are
still in prison then.
FISTO:
Sorry to hear, Xytrax.
That's unfortunate.
Maybe we could play
another gig.
Later.
Turo, this is
a one-off opportunity.
Unfortunately.
Thank you for
your precious time, gentlemen.
Enjoy the rest of today.
And good luck.
(door slams shut)
(in Finnish)
(sheep baaing)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(groans)
(body thumps)
MERJA:
WARDEN (in English):
We are so extremely sad
to hear about your father.
Thankfully,
he's in a stable condition.
And I'm sure we can make
some kind of arrangement...
-(phone rings)
-...for you to-- Sorry.
Yes, hello?
HILDE (in Norwegian):
(in Norwegian)
(in English)
Uh, I'm so sorry.
I-- I need to-- to leave.
Ah, but our head of security,
Mrs. Dokken,
she will take care
of everything.
Um, yes, yes.
(exhales)
(in Norwegian)
(in English)
Well, see you. See you.
(door opens, closes)
(in English)
About the vacation.
Can you make it
two weeks?
Losing someone
is difficult.
I know.
I lost a lot.
I was a colonel
in the armed forces.
I had rifles,
grenades, missiles.
And then,
all this sissy talk started.
Suddenly, I was
"prone to violence"
and "using
excessive force."
I was a soldier,
goddamn it!
Now I'm stuck guarding idiots
like you in this joke prison
with nothing more
than this stinking stick!
You will get
what you deserve.
I'll promise you that.
(prisoners chattering)
(in Finnish)
(chuckles)
(laughs)
(in English) Is that
an escape plan you have here?
Are you a complete idiot?
We don't have a helicopter.
The only way out of this prison
is with this key card.
But the problem is
that an idiot like you
will never get
his hands on it.
(giggles)
(screams)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(in Finnish)
(groans)
(in English)
Come back here!
DOKKEN:
Spit it out!
They're gonna stop serving
the salmon buffet!
WARDEN: It has been called
the best seafood buffet
in all of Scandinavia.
(grunts)
(all clamoring)
Heh. It is the...
riot reenactment club.
It's starting to look
really authentic.
Very good, guys.
Great thrashing.
How about we check out
the spa next.
Yeah? Heh.
(all clamoring)
(buzzes
with each leap)
(buzzes)
(beeps)
TURO (in Finnish):
TURO:
(heavy metal theme playing)
(buzzing)
(buzzing)
(in English)
Stop!
(in Finnish)
-(buzzes)
-GUARD: Hey.
(alarm blaring in distance)
(in English)
Let me guess.
You are the visitors
from PrisonAdvisor.
Yes.
I knew it.
I'm really good
at reading people.
Sorry you came
on the riot day.
It almost never happens.
May I see your passes?
No.
Let me guess.
You lost it in the riot.
Yes.
What can I say.
It's a gift.
(keypad beeping)
(in Norwegian)
(in English)
Sorry, guys, but I will
have to close the gate.
Please move
to the other side.
(heavy metal theme playing)
And don't forget to rate us!
(in Finnish)
(groaning)
(guards chattering)
(flatulence)
(engine starts)
DOKKEN (in English):
(warden sighs)
WARDEN (in Norwegian):
WARDEN:
Huh?
(laughs incredulously)
Yeah.
(sighs)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(in Finnish)
(gunshot)
(gunshot)
MERJA:
(sheep baaing)
MERJA:
MERJA:
(slow metal theme playing)
(call ringing)
Shh.
-(phone rings)
-(in English) Yes. Pronto.
TURO (over phone in English):
Yes. Ah-huh.
Hello, Mr. Fisto.
Uh, this is Turo.
Who?
Turo.
Turo Moilanen.
From Impaled Rektum.
Turo, Impaled Rektum.
How could I forget?
We changed our minds,
and, uh,
we got out of prison, too.
I'm really happy for you.
Thanks for letting me know.
But, unfortunately,
your Wacken slot is long gone.
Oh.
Yeah, Turo.
The show must go on.
Of course.
Um, but hey, take care
and send
my best wishes to the band.
Wait.
I need this.
We-- We need this.
We'll do anything.
Yeah?
There is this festival
in Vilnius in two days.
And lucky you,
I have an open slot.
Now, nothing big,
just a supporting act.
You show me what you can do
and we take it from there.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
How do we get to Vilnius?
Ah, it will be great to see you.
-Gotta dash. Bye!
-(phone beeps off)
(dial tone droning)
(in Finnish)
(car approaching in distance)
OULA:
TURO:
(dramatic theme playing)
(sheep baaing in distance)
(in English)
All right, you had your fun.
Time to go back.
Come out!
Don't make me come in there!
Last chance.
I'm going to give you
to the count of ten,
and then I am...
Smart move, hippies.
(sheep baas)
(in Finnish)
(in English)
Oh, well, why not.
Mission accomplished.
You know,
criminal minds are weak.
Thinks too much
about itself.
Easy to fool.
Yes. Yes.
So...
(in Norwegian)
(heavy metal theme playing)
DOKKEN:
(Dokken screaming indistinctly)
(in Finnish)
OULA:
(boat horn blares in distance)
(bus air brakes hissing)
(people chattering)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(screams)
(footsteps thumping above)
(in English) Whose stalkers
are these anyway?
Hey, get the fuck
out of there.
That space is reserved
for our technician.
Spazz, get your shit together.
SPAZZ: No, sir.
She was alive when I left.
CHRIS: One day
you're not gonna wake up.
Legends never die.
CHRIS:
Uh-huh?
(in Finnish)
OULA:
LOTVONEN:
XYTRAX:
(in English) Anyone else
seeing these people?
(in English)
We are also a band.
Impaled Rektum.
From Finland.
Cool.
What the hell
are you doing here?
We broke out
of the prison to fight
the injustices
of the financial sector
over small agricultural
businesses in rural regions.
Yeah, that's... that's
definitely something
we should be worried about...
that, yeah.
(deep vocalization)
(pipe hisses)
(deep voice)
Where you guys heading?
Vilnius.
That's where we're going.
Have a seat, guys.
"Servants of Blood"
is my favorite album,
all-time best.
Your vocals, so heavy.
You can really feel it
in your guts.
(chuckles)
Well, we don't play that
anymore.
We've evolved.
It took us a long, long time
to find our sound.
I think
it's just getting worse.
What did you say?
I said, I think your music
is just getting worse.
The last record was
especially loose and uninspired.
The lyrics have no context.
The guitar sounds are bland,
and so are the melodies.
Compared to your old records,
the new one
is just superficial radio pop.
Even the artwork is awful.
Yeah.
It's a really bad record.
(slams glass)
Well, I'll have to go cry
on my solid gold toilet
to get over this one.
(laughter)
C'mon, have a drink, guys.
(heavy metal theme playing)
(inhales pipe)
Rob.
(in English)
Hallelujah.
My golden boy.
How was your trip?
Long and boring.
Luckily we picked up
these dudes on the way.
I guess
they're looking for you.
Impaled Rektum!
Really?
You really
made it?
Yes, sir.
Hey!
Welcome to Vilnius.
Truly wonderful
to see you.
I-- I feel I'm
getting goosebumps.
And look at you.
Look at them, Rob.
So young
and full of energy.
Unlike us, old geezers.
Right?
Yes, sir.
Well, what
are we waiting for?
Let's get started.
Follow me, gentlemen.
-Chris.
-Eh?
What's
with the sucking?
Sucking?
Rob.
(sucks air)
Yeah. Rob's voice
is so black
it sucks the light.
It's helium.
Fisto's idea.
The sales went up,
you know,
when people figured out
what he was singing.
I mean,
not that the lyrics
make any sense,
but anyway...
Uh, don't mention it, yeah?
It's a touchy issue.
-Okay.
-See you.
The reality is,
with all my love and respect,
nobody knows you, yeah?
So, first impressions
are everything.
You've got to stand out.
You want to be remembered.
So, how do you feel
about playing on fire?
It's always a crowd pleaser.
XYTRAX:
Sounds good.
Any allergies?
Snake venom?
Asbestos?
Cow blood?
We tend
to use reindeer blood,
but we can be flexible.
Love it!
You gentlemen
just keep on giving.
What's this?
FISTO:
Ah. Music list.
(Fisto chuckles)
(in English)
Surefire hits.
We only play our music.
-Uh, we...
-I know. It's fine, too.
You have to respect
a man's conviction.
Really great
seeing you again.
Safe travels home
and good luck.
(in Finnish)
(in English)
Sir!
-Mr. Fisto.
-Uh...
I'm sure we can work
this out somehow.
I need my band hungry
and willing.
You have to take chances
when they're given to you.
Obviously you're
not such a band.
(slow metal theme playing)
(scoffs)
But sir.
-(cell phone ringing)
-Sir.
-(phone beeps)
-FISTO: Yeah, hello?
Mr. Fisto.
Yeah?
Oh, Fisto here.
Yeah, sure. Okay.
Absolutely.
(band playing heavy metal music)
(crowd cheering)
(in Finnish)
(singing "In Death's Embrace")
Whoa!
(women scream)
(guitar solo)
(singing indistinctly)
Man:
Give me... chocolate.
(playing Gimme Chocolate!!
by BABYMETAL)
OULA (in Finnish):
(woman singing
heavy metal pop in Japanese)
OULA:
(people chattering)
(grunts)
(in English)
Not bad, kiddo.
Yeah, yeah,
I gotta call you back.
What the fuck
were you thinking?
No, I mean, you're
clearly stupid, reckless,
and you have no regard
for your own life.
Just kidding.
Call me impressed.
Big time!
Please.
Please.
Let us play in Wacken.
(laughs)
Easy, tiger, easy.
I got you
and your Rektum amigos
an opportunity
to perform here in Vilnius,
and frankly,
you failed to deliver.
And now you want to take it
straight to Wacken.
It's a big risk for me,
and I don't know
if I can trust you.
You can trust us.
I promise.
We will deliver.
We just want to play
our own music.
Please.
You think you got
what it takes?
Yes.
Whatever it takes.
I won't let you down.
I'm counting on you,
Turo.
OULA:
(in Finnish)
(in English)
Listen up, gentlemen.
Turo Starshine
just earned
Impaled Rektum a ticket
to Wacken.
-(Turo laughs)
-No covers.
(laughter)
Great! Yeah.
Alright,
this calls for a toast.
FISTO:
Drinks, please!
(somber theme playing)
(boat horn blares in distance)
(in Norwegian)
(mechanical whirring)
(truck engine starts)
FISTO (in English): Ahh,
the smell of fish and pilsner.
Gotta love it.
Show business, gentlemen.
Forget about the show.
It's all about business.
So, do you know
where the money
in the music business
comes from?
LOTVONEN:
Uh, the music.
(laughs)
You wish. Nope.
It comes from
the little kids
in Cambodia
who make the T-shirts.
So, today,
we're gonna help them
by taking some pictures
for merchandise.
Gentlemen, welcome
to Fistoworld!
(heavy metal theme playing)
I don't know
about this.
A lot of great artists
didn't start rocking
until they found their thing.
Slipknot, Ghost, Lordi.
Look at Xytrax.
Fine.
Welcome.
Thank you.
Pretty, pretty good.
I like.
I've got something for you
to make it perfect.
If hats could talk,
this one
would be
a very traumatized hat.
Turo.
The hat of legends.
Okay, let's shoot!
Get everyone here.
FISTO:
You heard the man.
C'mon! Energia!
C'mon!
(in Finnish)
(camera flash loading)
PHOTOGRAPHER (in English):
Great.
Now I want
to feel your danger,
your emotion,
your sexual rage.
Yes!
Yes, more.
Perfect.
All right, give me more.
Yes.
Yes!
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Yes!
Give me more.
(in Finnish)
(in English) Add the skull
crushing to part C.
And turn up the sternums
by three percent.
(heavy metal music
playing over feedback)
(in Finnish)
TURO:
LOTVONEN:
(playing several notes)
(playing discordant notes)
(stops playing)
TURO:
LOTVONEN:
(heavy metal music
playing over feedback)
-(in English) It's perfect.
-(laughter)
You heard the man!
-Bravo!
-(music stops)
Great job, gentlemen.
Now, get the hell out of here.
FISTO:
Helmut and I will wrap it up.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(in Finnish)
Thank you.
(in English)
Here we go.
LOTVONEN (in Finnish):
(laughs)
(sniffs)
(car approaching)
(heavy metal theme playing)
TURO:
(light dramatic theme playing)
(folk music playing
over headphones)
(dramatic theme playing)
(door bell jingles)
(in English)
Hey.
Have you seen
four long-haired hippies?
-Yes.
-(scoffs)
Our hippie hair collection
is my life's work.
It's priceless.
I said, I'm looking
for four men!
Please, sir.
We are not that kind
of establishment.
(scoffs)
(low grunting)
(dog whimpers)
TURO:
Hoo-hoo.
TURO:
(slow metal theme playing)
(in English)
Read the sign!
You suck at everything,
don't you?
TURO:
Lotvonen!
(exhales)
(Turo grunting with jabs)
Come on, that's it. Ah!
(glass shatters)
(cymbal clangs)
(coughing)
(in English)
No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
I'm a pacifist!
-You make me sick!
-Don't!
(groaning)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(Oula screams)
(in Finnish)
(Dokken groaning in pain)
TURO:
TURO:
LOTVONEN:
OULA:
OULA:
(church bell in distance)
(people chattering)
SECRETARY (in English):
Can I help you?
Uh, I need to speak
with Mr. Fisto.
Oh, no, no.
Now is not a good time.
He's in the studio right now,
and he's working.
-He knows who I am.
-Please. Wait!
I can schedule you
an appointment.
Hey.
That's our song.
(heavy metal music
playing over speakers within)
-(music stops)
-FISTO: Now, add some more...
(vocalizes)
You know what I mean.
(heavy metal music
playing over speakers within)
(Fisto speaks indistinctly)
-What are you doing?
-(music stops)
Oh, Turo, heh,
what are you doing?
Um... Um, Helmut,
can you step outside?
I need a few minutes.
Thanks.
C'mon, Turo,
step forward.
Sit down.
What can I do for you?
You don't like our music.
Oh. It's just music.
What's behind it
is important.
And the story of
Impaled Rektum is legendary.
We don't want
to play that.
Turo.
You broke out of prison,
you made it to Vilnius,
and we made a deal,
remember?
"Whatever it takes."
Your words.
C'mon.
You want to be on that stage
more than anything.
I see that in you.
We broke out of prison
to save the slaughterhouse.
And Lotvonen's father.
I respect that.
I'll tell you what.
Let's cancel our pact
and Wacken.
I'll make a plea.
No negativity. Yeah?
I'll still write you
a check for 50,000.
You can go back
where you need to.
Save Lotvonen's farm.
I'm sure it's going
to be as great.
(heavy metal theme playing)
MAN: Rob could probably melt
a face with that voice.
He can melt
my face any day.
(lively chattering)
SPAZZ: You wouldn't guess
how many times
Slash bailed Axl out.
Or Keith bailed Mick out.
It's our job to step in
when the singer screws up.
OULA:
It kind of inspired me. Maybe--
Maybe today you can teach me
how the dance ought to look.
(Oula and Babymetal
band members laughing)
Actually-- Xytrax!
(in Finnish)
Xytrax.
(in English)
Meet Su-Metal.
Moametal.
Momometal.
Meet Xytrax.
SU-METAL:
Nice corpse paint.
We're just talking about
Forced Vomit.
They have
the best war paints.
That's exactly
what you said.
Their demos
are so brutal.
The vocals sound like
a goat screaming.
That's exactly
what you said, too.
I said it sounds like
a goat being buried alive.
(yawns)
Is he all right?
He's a bit eccentric,
but definitely a big fan.
(all giggle)
MAN:
Hey!
That is not a sausage, sir.
(rock music playing
over speakers)
Sorry.
Nice party.
Yeah, I like it when strangers
go through my panties.
I wanted to ask
about Fisto.
Just go with it.
He knows his shit.
-It's just--
-You and me...
...we go on that stage
for people to gawk at.
They don't care about
who we are.
Or even what we play.
Before Fisto showed up,
nobody ever gave
a fucking shit about us.
I liked your first albums.
They had fame.
What happens to the bands
who don't do
what Fisto says?
Nothing.
They just disappear.
Go straight down the abyss.
One more thing, Turo.
If you ever touch
my mic again,
you don't want
to hear me get angry.
Capiche?
(inhales gas)
(people chattering)
(in Finnish)
(Oula laughs)
(heavy metal music
playing over speakers)
(music stops)
Wow.
That turned out so much better
than I expected.
(in Finnish)
(in English) What have
you done to our music?
I made it better.
You're very welcome, Xytrax.
You made shit.
That's what people
want to hear nowadays.
It's gonna be huge.
I can see and feel it already.
You know, posters, billboards.
"To Die For." The new song
from Impaled Rektum.
Our song is called
"Prisoner of Flesh."
"To Die For" is what
you want it to be.
We won't play that.
It's very simple.
If you don't like it,
you can leave.
(in Finnish)
(Fisto clears throat)
(in English) If the name
of the song is the problem,
we can still change it.
I got it. Check it out.
"2 Die 4."
What do you think?
TURO (in Finnish):
Xytrax.
(somber theme playing)
(in English)
A sad day for music history.
Behind me,
one man's life's work of love.
A unique collection of musical
history now lays in ruins.
The culprits behind this
massive symphony of destruction
is a Finnish metal band
recently escaped from prison.
We have an eye witness
at the scene.
Please tell me
what you saw here tonight.
I'm the monarch
of the kingdom of the dead.
Infamous butcher.
Angel of death.
DIRK:
You heard it here first.
The police is interested
in any inform--
(turns off TV)
You know you've made it
when people want to kill you.
Well, I guess it's back
to prison for us.
Prison?
Have you ever seen
a rock star go to prison?
Just forget about it.
I really
should be thanking you, yeah.
You simply cannot buy
this kind of publicity.
Not cheap anyways.
I tell you.
You're just one concert away
from being
the biggest thing in music.
(Rob mumbling deeply)
FISTO:
What was that, Rob?
Sounded like
an elephant farting.
You should be taking notes
from these gentlemen.
They do more than
just complain.
They make news.
And maybe you're not
just hungry enough anymore.
A lack of desire.
I tell you what.
For this trip,
the entire serving
will be done by you.
Taking orders.
Any drinks?
BOTH:
No.
-FISTO: Turo?
-Yeah?
C'mon.
Don't be shy.
What are
you gonna have?
Uh... a Coke.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're a star.
Act like one.
Um...
A Coke with ice.
-And?
-Uh...
Lemon.
Exactly!
Now, Rob, you go
and get Mr. Turo Starshine here
a Coke with ice
and a slice of lemon.
FISTO:
C'mon.
Go on, Rob.
(tense theme playing)
(heavy metal theme playing)
TURO:
Wait.
You forgot the lemon.
(heavy metal theme plays)
Hey, Xytrax.
Hello.
You need a ride to Wacken?
I'm not going.
Don't you have a gig there?
No, I'm not
in the band anymore.
Oh. We feel you.
SU-METAL: You can still come
hang out with us.
We're listening to...
(heavy metal music plays)
Angels Necropolis?
Yes. It's the only copy
that survived the purge.
-Have you heard it?
-I thought no one has.
-C'mon.
-C'mon.
I can't.
Oh. Okay.
-(car engine starts)
-See you later.
Yes.
(car departing)
(ominous theme playing)
(in Finnish)
(heavy metal theme playing)
Blow off some steam.
Shooting a few pucks
cheers me up every time.
Okay.
What if I hit the driver?
DRIVER:
Don't worry, sir.
Not my first rodeo.
Plexiglas.
Unbreakable.
What the hell?
(in Finnish)
(grunts)
(tires screeching)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(in English)
Wake up! Wake up!
(screams)
(grunts)
Where are they?
Don't know.
(in German)
MALE COP:
(all grunt)
(exclaims)
(exclaims)
Ah! Ugh!
(grunting)
TURO:
Lotvonen!
TURO:
OULA:
TURO:
(car engine starts)
LOTVONEN:
Ha!
(dry chuckle)
Ooh...
-OULA (laughs): Uh-huh!
-LOTVONEN:
TURO:
Oula!
(heavy metal theme playing)
(car horn blares)
TURO:
LOTVONEN:
(quietly whistling)
TURO:
(insects buzzing)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(crowd cheering)
(in English)
Hello.
Uh, we are Im...
(band playing heavy metal music
in distance)
...potent.
Can't help you with that.
And, uh, we are...
delivering, uh,
this dead body.
WORKER:
Let's see.
Yup, got it right here.
One backstage corpse
for Abbath.
Okay.
(heavy metal
guitar playing)
(people chattering)
(in Finnish)
(in English)
Mr. Mustaine.
Sorry. Not him.
I met him once, though.
-Really?
-After a concert.
He just played the best guitar
solo I'd ever heard.
It was like a sonic attack
on the senses.
I was bleeding
from my holes for days.
-Wow.
-But it was worth it.
Heh. I met him backstage
and I told him
he just played the best goddamn
solo that's ever been played.
Know what he told me?
I wrote it down
just so I'd never forget.
Made me see the man
he really is.
A goddamn genius.
(in Finnish)
(in English)
Remember...
don't give a fuck!
Fuck...
(crowd cheering in distance)
I'm going
to make it up to you.
Yes, and I know Lars doesn't
want to talk to me ever again,
but please, send my love to him
and enjoy that fruit basket.
Yeah?
Oh, and James,
um, I gotta go.
Huge fan. Love you!
Call you back.
We lost Oula.
No. What a tragedy.
Oh, no.
But you're here,
my Turo Starshine.
That's all that matters.
This is your moment.
Your golden ticket.
Personally,
I'm so proud of you
you decided
to do this concert
and not just take the money.
What?
Oh.
Seriously,
you didn't know?
I offered Turo
the 50,000
to save your papa's
slaughterhouse, farm, whatever.
And of course
he said no.
Performing here in Wacken
is so much more important.
Yeah?
He chose the band.
Very honorable.
(in Finnish)
Uh-oh.
(Lotvonen screaming)
(in Finnish)
(in English)
Honestly, Turo...
he was holding you back
because
you're going places.
And I've got guys
lined up for you.
Finest top musicians
who actually appreciate you
and your talent.
Unlike your friends.
Turo, my starshine.
I'm so excited
to see you perform.
(cell phone ringing)
Sorry.
Lars?
I thought you didn't want
to talk to me ever again.
(people chattering)
Fisto.
(in German)
(in German)
(in English)
Ready when you are.
Thank you.
Looks beautiful.
(crowd chanting in distance)
-How do you feel?
-Good.
I feel good, too.
You go out there now
and set the crowd on fire.
Always remember,
you're a star.
(exclaims)
(crowd cheering)
(dramatic theme playing)
(band playing
heavy metal music)
(singing "To Die For")
FISTO:
Turo, what's wrong?
I need to go.
I need to go save my friend.
I'll get you new friends.
Even better friends.
C'mon. Please.
Get back out there.
Thanks for the opportunity,
but this is more important.
Who the fuck do you think
you are, you little fuckface?
Get your shiny
little leather ass
back onstage now.
(gagging, coughing)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(crowd booing and jeering)
You're gonna pay
for what you've done to Armando.
Who's Armando?
-(exclaims)
-(all groan)
(grunting)
Ow! Ow!
-(metal snaps)
-(Dokken gasps)
(metal clangs)
(heavy metal theme playing)
I would like to go back
to prison now.
Fucking bird.
(in Finnish)
(dramatic theme playing)
(rumbling)
(man singing heavy metal vocals
in distance)
OULA:
(singing heavy metal vocals)
(man grunts)
(crowd booing)
(in English)
Good luck.
(Dokken yelling and screaming)
(screams)
No one touches Armando!
Madam Dokken.
You and I share
a common interest.
For dead metalheads.
The cage is open,
but they locked the door!
(speaks indistinctly)
(playing heavy metal guitar)
(in Finnish)
OULA:
(in English)
We are Impaled Rektum.
And we are here to play
symphonic-postapocalyptic-
reindeer-grinding--
For Armando!
Lotvonen!
FISTO:
Boom.
(laughs)
What a tragedy.
We better stock up
on the merch now.
They're going
to make a killing.
(Fisto laughs)
What?
What's with you,
sour face gargoyle?
(vocalizes indistinctly)
You know I can't understand
you fucking murmuring.
Suck your pipe, yeah.
(vocalizing indistinctly)
You tell him, Rob.
FISTO:
That's it, yeah?
Nice speech, Chewbacca.
Whatever.
Now, piss off.
Or you might get shot next.
(roaring)
(skin liquifying)
Shit.
(in Finnish)
(breathing)
Lotvonen!
(grunts)
(skin squishes)
(all gasp)
OULA:
Oh.
(light metal theme playing)
(clanging in distance)
(keys rattling in distance)
(footsteps approaching)
(somber church
organ theme playing)
(sighs)
WARDEN (in English):
It's time.
(somber theme continues)
(crowd cheering)
INMATE 1: The guitarist
got shot in the head
in the middle of the gig,
and he got up,
and he played
the concert anyway.
He's a legend.
That's a lousy shot.
I was aiming
for the other guy.
(warden laughs)
(warden vocalizes)
(in Norwegian)
(yells)
(band playing heavy metal music)
(in English)
We are Impaled Rektum,
and we are here to play
symphonic-postapocalyptic-
reindeer-grinding-
Christ-abusing-extreme-war-
pagan-Fennoscandic metal!
Yeah!
(heavy metal song continues)
(Turo singing
"Prisoner of Flesh" )
(music stops)
(sighs)
(in Finnish)
(heavy metal music playing)
(playing "In Death's Embrace")
(wind blowing gently)
(voices whispering)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(thunder crashing)
(thunder crashes)
(electrical humming)
(electrical humming)
(in English)
Hello.
We are Impaled Rektum,
and we are here to play...
(heavy metal theme playing)
...um, dance music.
(band playing "Prisoner
of Flesh" humpaa style)
Incarcerated
Chained to this floor
This forsaken dungeon
I must endure
Behind these bars
of torment
My spirit yearns to soar
A prisoner of existence
Craving something more
The world outside beckons
A place I'll never see
Bounty a stone and mortar
My spirit can be free
Like a fly
in need of shit
I need to fly once more
If only my wings had...
(playing death metal)
Yeah!
(singing death metal
indistinctly)
Stop it! Now!
(whistle blows)
(Turo laughs)
(in Finnish)
BAND MEMBERS:
(wheel squeaking)
(men yelling intermittently
in distance)
WARDEN (in English):
Ah, Mr. Xytrax. Heh.
Warden.
Listen, having
the biggest library
of metal in Europe
is wonderful, really wonderful.
I even write about it in
our PrisonAdvisor page, but...
(electric guitar riffing)
(yells indistinctly)
(guitar stops)
Are you okay?
(guitar continues)
(grunts affirmatively)
(guitar stops)
(whistles)
Anyway,
as I was saying,
some of our inmates
have been...
rather vocal
about the music selection,
and, um,
I was just wondering,
is it possible
to maybe try other genres?
No.
No?
No. Okay.
Good talk!
LOTVONEN:
Hey.
(in Finnish)
(plays three notes)
(playing discordant notes)
(Oula yells)
-(stops playing)
-(Oula grunts)
LOTVONEN:
(washer thumping rhythmically)
(metal guitar playing
same rhythm)
(drum beat joining in)
(crowd cheering)
XYTRAX:
(washer thumping rhythmically)
Mm-hmm.
(slow metal theme playing)
(door lock buzzes in distance)
(door opens, closes)
(in English)
Gentlemen.
(in Finnish)
(in English) Please allow me
to introduce myself.
My name
is Maxwell Efraim Fisto.
(in English)
Nice to meet you.
Wow.
Impaled Rektum.
Your reputation precedes you.
You're the most dangerous band
in the world right now.
Nice.
Yet, you don't seem like
the usual suspects.
Serving a prison sentence for...
causing an armed conflict
between Finland and Norway,
grave robbing, kidnapping.
I was in a mental hospital.
Anger issues.
All in the past, though.
(chuckles)
I represent and manage
the biggest bands
in metal music.
Maybe, I don't know if you've
heard of some of my clients.
Vomit Distributor,
Corpse Kisser.
-Bloodmotor.
-Bloodmotor?
The reason why I'm here is
because I have
a proposition for you.
A concert.
In Wacken. Germany.
Wacken is
the biggest, loudest, hardest,
most amazing metal
music festival in the world.
A hundred thousand people
gather together
to celebrate the world's
greatest metal music bands.
Is Dave Mustaine
going to be there?
Everyone is going
to be there.
(chuckles)
Okay.
Sounds good.
Your compensation.
I know it's not much,
50,000 euros,
but a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity
to melt faces on an epic scale.
And after Wacken...
-(thumps on table)
-...I promise you
all your dreams
are gonna come true.
So, what do you say?
(laughter)
No.
Why no?
Wacken is
an overcommercial festival
for wannabe metalheads.
And we already have
our own tour planned.
But it's
a big opportunity.
We could think about it.
FISTO:
What a shame.
Maybe this is not for you,
after all.
No!
I mean, yes!
We could...
Also, we are
still in prison then.
FISTO:
Sorry to hear, Xytrax.
That's unfortunate.
Maybe we could play
another gig.
Later.
Turo, this is
a one-off opportunity.
Unfortunately.
Thank you for
your precious time, gentlemen.
Enjoy the rest of today.
And good luck.
(door slams shut)
(in Finnish)
(sheep baaing)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(groans)
(body thumps)
MERJA:
WARDEN (in English):
We are so extremely sad
to hear about your father.
Thankfully,
he's in a stable condition.
And I'm sure we can make
some kind of arrangement...
-(phone rings)
-...for you to-- Sorry.
Yes, hello?
HILDE (in Norwegian):
(in Norwegian)
(in English)
Uh, I'm so sorry.
I-- I need to-- to leave.
Ah, but our head of security,
Mrs. Dokken,
she will take care
of everything.
Um, yes, yes.
(exhales)
(in Norwegian)
(in English)
Well, see you. See you.
(door opens, closes)
(in English)
About the vacation.
Can you make it
two weeks?
Losing someone
is difficult.
I know.
I lost a lot.
I was a colonel
in the armed forces.
I had rifles,
grenades, missiles.
And then,
all this sissy talk started.
Suddenly, I was
"prone to violence"
and "using
excessive force."
I was a soldier,
goddamn it!
Now I'm stuck guarding idiots
like you in this joke prison
with nothing more
than this stinking stick!
You will get
what you deserve.
I'll promise you that.
(prisoners chattering)
(in Finnish)
(chuckles)
(laughs)
(in English) Is that
an escape plan you have here?
Are you a complete idiot?
We don't have a helicopter.
The only way out of this prison
is with this key card.
But the problem is
that an idiot like you
will never get
his hands on it.
(giggles)
(screams)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(in Finnish)
(groans)
(in English)
Come back here!
DOKKEN:
Spit it out!
They're gonna stop serving
the salmon buffet!
WARDEN: It has been called
the best seafood buffet
in all of Scandinavia.
(grunts)
(all clamoring)
Heh. It is the...
riot reenactment club.
It's starting to look
really authentic.
Very good, guys.
Great thrashing.
How about we check out
the spa next.
Yeah? Heh.
(all clamoring)
(buzzes
with each leap)
(buzzes)
(beeps)
TURO (in Finnish):
TURO:
(heavy metal theme playing)
(buzzing)
(buzzing)
(in English)
Stop!
(in Finnish)
-(buzzes)
-GUARD: Hey.
(alarm blaring in distance)
(in English)
Let me guess.
You are the visitors
from PrisonAdvisor.
Yes.
I knew it.
I'm really good
at reading people.
Sorry you came
on the riot day.
It almost never happens.
May I see your passes?
No.
Let me guess.
You lost it in the riot.
Yes.
What can I say.
It's a gift.
(keypad beeping)
(in Norwegian)
(in English)
Sorry, guys, but I will
have to close the gate.
Please move
to the other side.
(heavy metal theme playing)
And don't forget to rate us!
(in Finnish)
(groaning)
(guards chattering)
(flatulence)
(engine starts)
DOKKEN (in English):
(warden sighs)
WARDEN (in Norwegian):
WARDEN:
Huh?
(laughs incredulously)
Yeah.
(sighs)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(in Finnish)
(gunshot)
(gunshot)
MERJA:
(sheep baaing)
MERJA:
MERJA:
(slow metal theme playing)
(call ringing)
Shh.
-(phone rings)
-(in English) Yes. Pronto.
TURO (over phone in English):
Yes. Ah-huh.
Hello, Mr. Fisto.
Uh, this is Turo.
Who?
Turo.
Turo Moilanen.
From Impaled Rektum.
Turo, Impaled Rektum.
How could I forget?
We changed our minds,
and, uh,
we got out of prison, too.
I'm really happy for you.
Thanks for letting me know.
But, unfortunately,
your Wacken slot is long gone.
Oh.
Yeah, Turo.
The show must go on.
Of course.
Um, but hey, take care
and send
my best wishes to the band.
Wait.
I need this.
We-- We need this.
We'll do anything.
Yeah?
There is this festival
in Vilnius in two days.
And lucky you,
I have an open slot.
Now, nothing big,
just a supporting act.
You show me what you can do
and we take it from there.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
How do we get to Vilnius?
Ah, it will be great to see you.
-Gotta dash. Bye!
-(phone beeps off)
(dial tone droning)
(in Finnish)
(car approaching in distance)
OULA:
TURO:
(dramatic theme playing)
(sheep baaing in distance)
(in English)
All right, you had your fun.
Time to go back.
Come out!
Don't make me come in there!
Last chance.
I'm going to give you
to the count of ten,
and then I am...
Smart move, hippies.
(sheep baas)
(in Finnish)
(in English)
Oh, well, why not.
Mission accomplished.
You know,
criminal minds are weak.
Thinks too much
about itself.
Easy to fool.
Yes. Yes.
So...
(in Norwegian)
(heavy metal theme playing)
DOKKEN:
(Dokken screaming indistinctly)
(in Finnish)
OULA:
(boat horn blares in distance)
(bus air brakes hissing)
(people chattering)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(screams)
(footsteps thumping above)
(in English) Whose stalkers
are these anyway?
Hey, get the fuck
out of there.
That space is reserved
for our technician.
Spazz, get your shit together.
SPAZZ: No, sir.
She was alive when I left.
CHRIS: One day
you're not gonna wake up.
Legends never die.
CHRIS:
Uh-huh?
(in Finnish)
OULA:
LOTVONEN:
XYTRAX:
(in English) Anyone else
seeing these people?
(in English)
We are also a band.
Impaled Rektum.
From Finland.
Cool.
What the hell
are you doing here?
We broke out
of the prison to fight
the injustices
of the financial sector
over small agricultural
businesses in rural regions.
Yeah, that's... that's
definitely something
we should be worried about...
that, yeah.
(deep vocalization)
(pipe hisses)
(deep voice)
Where you guys heading?
Vilnius.
That's where we're going.
Have a seat, guys.
"Servants of Blood"
is my favorite album,
all-time best.
Your vocals, so heavy.
You can really feel it
in your guts.
(chuckles)
Well, we don't play that
anymore.
We've evolved.
It took us a long, long time
to find our sound.
I think
it's just getting worse.
What did you say?
I said, I think your music
is just getting worse.
The last record was
especially loose and uninspired.
The lyrics have no context.
The guitar sounds are bland,
and so are the melodies.
Compared to your old records,
the new one
is just superficial radio pop.
Even the artwork is awful.
Yeah.
It's a really bad record.
(slams glass)
Well, I'll have to go cry
on my solid gold toilet
to get over this one.
(laughter)
C'mon, have a drink, guys.
(heavy metal theme playing)
(inhales pipe)
Rob.
(in English)
Hallelujah.
My golden boy.
How was your trip?
Long and boring.
Luckily we picked up
these dudes on the way.
I guess
they're looking for you.
Impaled Rektum!
Really?
You really
made it?
Yes, sir.
Hey!
Welcome to Vilnius.
Truly wonderful
to see you.
I-- I feel I'm
getting goosebumps.
And look at you.
Look at them, Rob.
So young
and full of energy.
Unlike us, old geezers.
Right?
Yes, sir.
Well, what
are we waiting for?
Let's get started.
Follow me, gentlemen.
-Chris.
-Eh?
What's
with the sucking?
Sucking?
Rob.
(sucks air)
Yeah. Rob's voice
is so black
it sucks the light.
It's helium.
Fisto's idea.
The sales went up,
you know,
when people figured out
what he was singing.
I mean,
not that the lyrics
make any sense,
but anyway...
Uh, don't mention it, yeah?
It's a touchy issue.
-Okay.
-See you.
The reality is,
with all my love and respect,
nobody knows you, yeah?
So, first impressions
are everything.
You've got to stand out.
You want to be remembered.
So, how do you feel
about playing on fire?
It's always a crowd pleaser.
XYTRAX:
Sounds good.
Any allergies?
Snake venom?
Asbestos?
Cow blood?
We tend
to use reindeer blood,
but we can be flexible.
Love it!
You gentlemen
just keep on giving.
What's this?
FISTO:
Ah. Music list.
(Fisto chuckles)
(in English)
Surefire hits.
We only play our music.
-Uh, we...
-I know. It's fine, too.
You have to respect
a man's conviction.
Really great
seeing you again.
Safe travels home
and good luck.
(in Finnish)
(in English)
Sir!
-Mr. Fisto.
-Uh...
I'm sure we can work
this out somehow.
I need my band hungry
and willing.
You have to take chances
when they're given to you.
Obviously you're
not such a band.
(slow metal theme playing)
(scoffs)
But sir.
-(cell phone ringing)
-Sir.
-(phone beeps)
-FISTO: Yeah, hello?
Mr. Fisto.
Yeah?
Oh, Fisto here.
Yeah, sure. Okay.
Absolutely.
(band playing heavy metal music)
(crowd cheering)
(in Finnish)
(singing "In Death's Embrace")
Whoa!
(women scream)
(guitar solo)
(singing indistinctly)
Man:
Give me... chocolate.
(playing Gimme Chocolate!!
by BABYMETAL)
OULA (in Finnish):
(woman singing
heavy metal pop in Japanese)
OULA:
(people chattering)
(grunts)
(in English)
Not bad, kiddo.
Yeah, yeah,
I gotta call you back.
What the fuck
were you thinking?
No, I mean, you're
clearly stupid, reckless,
and you have no regard
for your own life.
Just kidding.
Call me impressed.
Big time!
Please.
Please.
Let us play in Wacken.
(laughs)
Easy, tiger, easy.
I got you
and your Rektum amigos
an opportunity
to perform here in Vilnius,
and frankly,
you failed to deliver.
And now you want to take it
straight to Wacken.
It's a big risk for me,
and I don't know
if I can trust you.
You can trust us.
I promise.
We will deliver.
We just want to play
our own music.
Please.
You think you got
what it takes?
Yes.
Whatever it takes.
I won't let you down.
I'm counting on you,
Turo.
OULA:
(in Finnish)
(in English)
Listen up, gentlemen.
Turo Starshine
just earned
Impaled Rektum a ticket
to Wacken.
-(Turo laughs)
-No covers.
(laughter)
Great! Yeah.
Alright,
this calls for a toast.
FISTO:
Drinks, please!
(somber theme playing)
(boat horn blares in distance)
(in Norwegian)
(mechanical whirring)
(truck engine starts)
FISTO (in English): Ahh,
the smell of fish and pilsner.
Gotta love it.
Show business, gentlemen.
Forget about the show.
It's all about business.
So, do you know
where the money
in the music business
comes from?
LOTVONEN:
Uh, the music.
(laughs)
You wish. Nope.
It comes from
the little kids
in Cambodia
who make the T-shirts.
So, today,
we're gonna help them
by taking some pictures
for merchandise.
Gentlemen, welcome
to Fistoworld!
(heavy metal theme playing)
I don't know
about this.
A lot of great artists
didn't start rocking
until they found their thing.
Slipknot, Ghost, Lordi.
Look at Xytrax.
Fine.
Welcome.
Thank you.
Pretty, pretty good.
I like.
I've got something for you
to make it perfect.
If hats could talk,
this one
would be
a very traumatized hat.
Turo.
The hat of legends.
Okay, let's shoot!
Get everyone here.
FISTO:
You heard the man.
C'mon! Energia!
C'mon!
(in Finnish)
(camera flash loading)
PHOTOGRAPHER (in English):
Great.
Now I want
to feel your danger,
your emotion,
your sexual rage.
Yes!
Yes, more.
Perfect.
All right, give me more.
Yes.
Yes!
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Yes!
Give me more.
(in Finnish)
(in English) Add the skull
crushing to part C.
And turn up the sternums
by three percent.
(heavy metal music
playing over feedback)
(in Finnish)
TURO:
LOTVONEN:
(playing several notes)
(playing discordant notes)
(stops playing)
TURO:
LOTVONEN:
(heavy metal music
playing over feedback)
-(in English) It's perfect.
-(laughter)
You heard the man!
-Bravo!
-(music stops)
Great job, gentlemen.
Now, get the hell out of here.
FISTO:
Helmut and I will wrap it up.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(in Finnish)
Thank you.
(in English)
Here we go.
LOTVONEN (in Finnish):
(laughs)
(sniffs)
(car approaching)
(heavy metal theme playing)
TURO:
(light dramatic theme playing)
(folk music playing
over headphones)
(dramatic theme playing)
(door bell jingles)
(in English)
Hey.
Have you seen
four long-haired hippies?
-Yes.
-(scoffs)
Our hippie hair collection
is my life's work.
It's priceless.
I said, I'm looking
for four men!
Please, sir.
We are not that kind
of establishment.
(scoffs)
(low grunting)
(dog whimpers)
TURO:
Hoo-hoo.
TURO:
(slow metal theme playing)
(in English)
Read the sign!
You suck at everything,
don't you?
TURO:
Lotvonen!
(exhales)
(Turo grunting with jabs)
Come on, that's it. Ah!
(glass shatters)
(cymbal clangs)
(coughing)
(in English)
No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
I'm a pacifist!
-You make me sick!
-Don't!
(groaning)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(Oula screams)
(in Finnish)
(Dokken groaning in pain)
TURO:
TURO:
LOTVONEN:
OULA:
OULA:
(church bell in distance)
(people chattering)
SECRETARY (in English):
Can I help you?
Uh, I need to speak
with Mr. Fisto.
Oh, no, no.
Now is not a good time.
He's in the studio right now,
and he's working.
-He knows who I am.
-Please. Wait!
I can schedule you
an appointment.
Hey.
That's our song.
(heavy metal music
playing over speakers within)
-(music stops)
-FISTO: Now, add some more...
(vocalizes)
You know what I mean.
(heavy metal music
playing over speakers within)
(Fisto speaks indistinctly)
-What are you doing?
-(music stops)
Oh, Turo, heh,
what are you doing?
Um... Um, Helmut,
can you step outside?
I need a few minutes.
Thanks.
C'mon, Turo,
step forward.
Sit down.
What can I do for you?
You don't like our music.
Oh. It's just music.
What's behind it
is important.
And the story of
Impaled Rektum is legendary.
We don't want
to play that.
Turo.
You broke out of prison,
you made it to Vilnius,
and we made a deal,
remember?
"Whatever it takes."
Your words.
C'mon.
You want to be on that stage
more than anything.
I see that in you.
We broke out of prison
to save the slaughterhouse.
And Lotvonen's father.
I respect that.
I'll tell you what.
Let's cancel our pact
and Wacken.
I'll make a plea.
No negativity. Yeah?
I'll still write you
a check for 50,000.
You can go back
where you need to.
Save Lotvonen's farm.
I'm sure it's going
to be as great.
(heavy metal theme playing)
MAN: Rob could probably melt
a face with that voice.
He can melt
my face any day.
(lively chattering)
SPAZZ: You wouldn't guess
how many times
Slash bailed Axl out.
Or Keith bailed Mick out.
It's our job to step in
when the singer screws up.
OULA:
It kind of inspired me. Maybe--
Maybe today you can teach me
how the dance ought to look.
(Oula and Babymetal
band members laughing)
Actually-- Xytrax!
(in Finnish)
Xytrax.
(in English)
Meet Su-Metal.
Moametal.
Momometal.
Meet Xytrax.
SU-METAL:
Nice corpse paint.
We're just talking about
Forced Vomit.
They have
the best war paints.
That's exactly
what you said.
Their demos
are so brutal.
The vocals sound like
a goat screaming.
That's exactly
what you said, too.
I said it sounds like
a goat being buried alive.
(yawns)
Is he all right?
He's a bit eccentric,
but definitely a big fan.
(all giggle)
MAN:
Hey!
That is not a sausage, sir.
(rock music playing
over speakers)
Sorry.
Nice party.
Yeah, I like it when strangers
go through my panties.
I wanted to ask
about Fisto.
Just go with it.
He knows his shit.
-It's just--
-You and me...
...we go on that stage
for people to gawk at.
They don't care about
who we are.
Or even what we play.
Before Fisto showed up,
nobody ever gave
a fucking shit about us.
I liked your first albums.
They had fame.
What happens to the bands
who don't do
what Fisto says?
Nothing.
They just disappear.
Go straight down the abyss.
One more thing, Turo.
If you ever touch
my mic again,
you don't want
to hear me get angry.
Capiche?
(inhales gas)
(people chattering)
(in Finnish)
(Oula laughs)
(heavy metal music
playing over speakers)
(music stops)
Wow.
That turned out so much better
than I expected.
(in Finnish)
(in English) What have
you done to our music?
I made it better.
You're very welcome, Xytrax.
You made shit.
That's what people
want to hear nowadays.
It's gonna be huge.
I can see and feel it already.
You know, posters, billboards.
"To Die For." The new song
from Impaled Rektum.
Our song is called
"Prisoner of Flesh."
"To Die For" is what
you want it to be.
We won't play that.
It's very simple.
If you don't like it,
you can leave.
(in Finnish)
(Fisto clears throat)
(in English) If the name
of the song is the problem,
we can still change it.
I got it. Check it out.
"2 Die 4."
What do you think?
TURO (in Finnish):
Xytrax.
(somber theme playing)
(in English)
A sad day for music history.
Behind me,
one man's life's work of love.
A unique collection of musical
history now lays in ruins.
The culprits behind this
massive symphony of destruction
is a Finnish metal band
recently escaped from prison.
We have an eye witness
at the scene.
Please tell me
what you saw here tonight.
I'm the monarch
of the kingdom of the dead.
Infamous butcher.
Angel of death.
DIRK:
You heard it here first.
The police is interested
in any inform--
(turns off TV)
You know you've made it
when people want to kill you.
Well, I guess it's back
to prison for us.
Prison?
Have you ever seen
a rock star go to prison?
Just forget about it.
I really
should be thanking you, yeah.
You simply cannot buy
this kind of publicity.
Not cheap anyways.
I tell you.
You're just one concert away
from being
the biggest thing in music.
(Rob mumbling deeply)
FISTO:
What was that, Rob?
Sounded like
an elephant farting.
You should be taking notes
from these gentlemen.
They do more than
just complain.
They make news.
And maybe you're not
just hungry enough anymore.
A lack of desire.
I tell you what.
For this trip,
the entire serving
will be done by you.
Taking orders.
Any drinks?
BOTH:
No.
-FISTO: Turo?
-Yeah?
C'mon.
Don't be shy.
What are
you gonna have?
Uh... a Coke.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're a star.
Act like one.
Um...
A Coke with ice.
-And?
-Uh...
Lemon.
Exactly!
Now, Rob, you go
and get Mr. Turo Starshine here
a Coke with ice
and a slice of lemon.
FISTO:
C'mon.
Go on, Rob.
(tense theme playing)
(heavy metal theme playing)
TURO:
Wait.
You forgot the lemon.
(heavy metal theme plays)
Hey, Xytrax.
Hello.
You need a ride to Wacken?
I'm not going.
Don't you have a gig there?
No, I'm not
in the band anymore.
Oh. We feel you.
SU-METAL: You can still come
hang out with us.
We're listening to...
(heavy metal music plays)
Angels Necropolis?
Yes. It's the only copy
that survived the purge.
-Have you heard it?
-I thought no one has.
-C'mon.
-C'mon.
I can't.
Oh. Okay.
-(car engine starts)
-See you later.
Yes.
(car departing)
(ominous theme playing)
(in Finnish)
(heavy metal theme playing)
Blow off some steam.
Shooting a few pucks
cheers me up every time.
Okay.
What if I hit the driver?
DRIVER:
Don't worry, sir.
Not my first rodeo.
Plexiglas.
Unbreakable.
What the hell?
(in Finnish)
(grunts)
(tires screeching)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(in English)
Wake up! Wake up!
(screams)
(grunts)
Where are they?
Don't know.
(in German)
MALE COP:
(all grunt)
(exclaims)
(exclaims)
Ah! Ugh!
(grunting)
TURO:
Lotvonen!
TURO:
OULA:
TURO:
(car engine starts)
LOTVONEN:
Ha!
(dry chuckle)
Ooh...
-OULA (laughs): Uh-huh!
-LOTVONEN:
TURO:
Oula!
(heavy metal theme playing)
(car horn blares)
TURO:
LOTVONEN:
(quietly whistling)
TURO:
(insects buzzing)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(crowd cheering)
(in English)
Hello.
Uh, we are Im...
(band playing heavy metal music
in distance)
...potent.
Can't help you with that.
And, uh, we are...
delivering, uh,
this dead body.
WORKER:
Let's see.
Yup, got it right here.
One backstage corpse
for Abbath.
Okay.
(heavy metal
guitar playing)
(people chattering)
(in Finnish)
(in English)
Mr. Mustaine.
Sorry. Not him.
I met him once, though.
-Really?
-After a concert.
He just played the best guitar
solo I'd ever heard.
It was like a sonic attack
on the senses.
I was bleeding
from my holes for days.
-Wow.
-But it was worth it.
Heh. I met him backstage
and I told him
he just played the best goddamn
solo that's ever been played.
Know what he told me?
I wrote it down
just so I'd never forget.
Made me see the man
he really is.
A goddamn genius.
(in Finnish)
(in English)
Remember...
don't give a fuck!
Fuck...
(crowd cheering in distance)
I'm going
to make it up to you.
Yes, and I know Lars doesn't
want to talk to me ever again,
but please, send my love to him
and enjoy that fruit basket.
Yeah?
Oh, and James,
um, I gotta go.
Huge fan. Love you!
Call you back.
We lost Oula.
No. What a tragedy.
Oh, no.
But you're here,
my Turo Starshine.
That's all that matters.
This is your moment.
Your golden ticket.
Personally,
I'm so proud of you
you decided
to do this concert
and not just take the money.
What?
Oh.
Seriously,
you didn't know?
I offered Turo
the 50,000
to save your papa's
slaughterhouse, farm, whatever.
And of course
he said no.
Performing here in Wacken
is so much more important.
Yeah?
He chose the band.
Very honorable.
(in Finnish)
Uh-oh.
(Lotvonen screaming)
(in Finnish)
(in English)
Honestly, Turo...
he was holding you back
because
you're going places.
And I've got guys
lined up for you.
Finest top musicians
who actually appreciate you
and your talent.
Unlike your friends.
Turo, my starshine.
I'm so excited
to see you perform.
(cell phone ringing)
Sorry.
Lars?
I thought you didn't want
to talk to me ever again.
(people chattering)
Fisto.
(in German)
(in German)
(in English)
Ready when you are.
Thank you.
Looks beautiful.
(crowd chanting in distance)
-How do you feel?
-Good.
I feel good, too.
You go out there now
and set the crowd on fire.
Always remember,
you're a star.
(exclaims)
(crowd cheering)
(dramatic theme playing)
(band playing
heavy metal music)
(singing "To Die For")
FISTO:
Turo, what's wrong?
I need to go.
I need to go save my friend.
I'll get you new friends.
Even better friends.
C'mon. Please.
Get back out there.
Thanks for the opportunity,
but this is more important.
Who the fuck do you think
you are, you little fuckface?
Get your shiny
little leather ass
back onstage now.
(gagging, coughing)
(heavy metal theme playing)
(crowd booing and jeering)
You're gonna pay
for what you've done to Armando.
Who's Armando?
-(exclaims)
-(all groan)
(grunting)
Ow! Ow!
-(metal snaps)
-(Dokken gasps)
(metal clangs)
(heavy metal theme playing)
I would like to go back
to prison now.
Fucking bird.
(in Finnish)
(dramatic theme playing)
(rumbling)
(man singing heavy metal vocals
in distance)
OULA:
(singing heavy metal vocals)
(man grunts)
(crowd booing)
(in English)
Good luck.
(Dokken yelling and screaming)
(screams)
No one touches Armando!
Madam Dokken.
You and I share
a common interest.
For dead metalheads.
The cage is open,
but they locked the door!
(speaks indistinctly)
(playing heavy metal guitar)
(in Finnish)
OULA:
(in English)
We are Impaled Rektum.
And we are here to play
symphonic-postapocalyptic-
reindeer-grinding--
For Armando!
Lotvonen!
FISTO:
Boom.
(laughs)
What a tragedy.
We better stock up
on the merch now.
They're going
to make a killing.
(Fisto laughs)
What?
What's with you,
sour face gargoyle?
(vocalizes indistinctly)
You know I can't understand
you fucking murmuring.
Suck your pipe, yeah.
(vocalizing indistinctly)
You tell him, Rob.
FISTO:
That's it, yeah?
Nice speech, Chewbacca.
Whatever.
Now, piss off.
Or you might get shot next.
(roaring)
(skin liquifying)
Shit.
(in Finnish)
(breathing)
Lotvonen!
(grunts)
(skin squishes)
(all gasp)
OULA:
Oh.
(light metal theme playing)
(clanging in distance)
(keys rattling in distance)
(footsteps approaching)
(somber church
organ theme playing)
(sighs)
WARDEN (in English):
It's time.
(somber theme continues)
(crowd cheering)
INMATE 1: The guitarist
got shot in the head
in the middle of the gig,
and he got up,
and he played
the concert anyway.
He's a legend.
That's a lousy shot.
I was aiming
for the other guy.
(warden laughs)
(warden vocalizes)
(in Norwegian)
(yells)
(band playing heavy metal music)
(in English)
We are Impaled Rektum,
and we are here to play
symphonic-postapocalyptic-
reindeer-grinding-
Christ-abusing-extreme-war-
pagan-Fennoscandic metal!
Yeah!
(heavy metal song continues)
(Turo singing
"Prisoner of Flesh" )
(music stops)
(sighs)
(in Finnish)
(heavy metal music playing)
(playing "In Death's Embrace")