Heavy Weights (1995) Movie Script

Excuse us.
Jeez, get a room or something.
All right!
They're getting charged
for those.
Those books aren't cheap,
What are you looking at?
Hey, Gerry,
isn't that your bus?
Great way
to start the summer.
Wait! Stop the bus! Stop!
Ha ha ha!
Go, fat boy, go!
# Everybody wants to live,
and they want to live #
# And everybody wants to love,
and they want to love #
# Everybody wants to be #
# Closer to free #
# Yeah, and yeah, yeah #
# Everybody wants respect #
Foul ball! Strike two!
Little help here, son.
Come on. Toss it over.
# Once in a while #
Give it another try, son.
Right here!
Over the fence, son!
# Everybody one,
everybody two #
# Everybody three #
# Everybody needs to touch,
you know, now and then #
# And everybody wants
a good, good friend #
# Everybody wants to be
closer to free #
Lemonade, lemonade.
# Everybody wants to live #
# And they want to live #
# Everybody wants to be #
# Closer to free #
We're in here, honey.
Come on, son.
Why is everybody home?
Did someone die?
Who's this?
Hi, Gerry. Roger Johnson.
Islanders fan, huh?
Team of the future, I say.
Whatever, I'm out of here.
Hold those horses, cowboy.
Mr. Johnson is your guest...
and he's here to talk to you
about a special summer camp.
A camp designed
just for you, Gerry.
Summer camp? No way!
I have plans for the summer.
I'm gonna hang out!
Come on, honey.
He's got a videotape.
Why don't
we take a little peek?
Why don't we not?
Greetings, future campers.
I'm Alice Bushkin,
and this is Harvey...
and we've been
the owners and operators...
of Camp Hope
for 32 wonderful summers.
Won't you join us for number 33?
What's that?
This is called "the Blob."
"The Blob," huh?
You can go
as high as 15 feet.
Wow, go-karts.
How many times
can you go on the go-karts?
As much as you want, Gerry.
But be careful.
They can be addicting.
I'm only kidding.
Hi, I'm Pat Finley!
I've been coming here
since I was 10 years old.
Want to know why?
Because Camp Hope
is the fun way to lose weight.
It's a fat camp!
Are you crazy? No way!
I'm not going to a camp
with a bunch of fat-loads!
- Gerry!
- That's not kind, Gerry.
We are doing this
for your own good.
We gotta nip this thing
in the bud.
I'm fine.
This is a joke, right?
You're fatter than I am.
Why don't you go?
You show your father
some respect.
I think we should have
a little powwow...
and we will call you
with our decision later.
I'll give you my decision
right now.
I'm not going.
This is
Captain Harris speaking...
...cruising altitude
of 29,000 feet.
Those of you on the left side
of the aircraft...
have a nice view of
the Blue Ridge Mountains.
Hey, there, Mr. Rainy Day.
I've got a little surprise
for you.
...but in your seats...
we request that you keep
your seat belts fastened.
Headed to fat camp?
No. Why do you say that?
Because you're fat.
Is that your dad?
No. Why do you say that?
Because he's fat, too.
Well, so are you.
I know. That's why
I'm going to fat camp.
- I'm Roy.
- I'm Gerry.
I guess I'm going.
I knew it!
And that's your dad, too,
isn't it?
- Hell no!
- You'll love camp, man.
Camp is awesome.
No one picks on you because
you're not the fat kid.
Everybody's the fat kid.
Stick with me, Gerry,
because I'm the man.
Mr. Bushkin tells the scariest
ghost stories you ever heard.
Yes, have no fear,
I have returned.
I got a rookie here,
and his name's Gerry...
so show him
the same amount of respect...
that you show me--none.
Excuse me!
I'm looking for
several portly adolescents.
That's us.
You're looking good, Pat.
Tell me something
I don't know.
Let's load her up!
Hey, hey!
How you doing, guys?
- Phillip, how are you?
- This is Gerry.
Hey, Gerry.
I'm Pat Finley.
I'm sure you recognize me
from my work...
in the Camp Hope
promotional video.
We have
a little tradition, Gerry.
The new guy drives to camp.
Right, guys?
Keep it under 70.
We got some weird local cops.
You drive a stick, right?
No, but I can try.
No, no, no.
Sorry, cannot risk it.
Come here a second.
I gotta ask you something.
Something very serious.
Are you ready for the best
damn summer of your life?
Is everybody gonna
behave themselves this summer?
- No!
- Good! That's what I expect!
Can't do it.
Gotta get back to the camp!
- Pull over, please!
- Don't bug me!
- All right!
- Yeah!
Ha ha!
Psyched you out!
- You stink, Pat!
- That's not funny!
I thought that was
pretty amusing, myself.
Garner, where you from?
- Long Island.
- Never heard of it.
Sam, don't lean
your head out the window.
We lost six kids
like that last summer.
I'm not going
to pick up your head.
I don't need it anyway!
Camp Hope, everybody!
Best place on earth!
Camp Hope!
Camp Hope! Camp Hope!
Camp Hope!
Camp Hope! Camp Hope!
All right, now in
a nice, orderly fashion...
get off my bus!
It's stuck!
I don't know what to do!
It's stuck!
- Heads up!
- Unh!
Here's another one!
Hey, bony butt.
How was your year,
chicken legs?
It's not funny, guys.
Why are they teasing him?
That's a counselor named Tim.
He used to be one of us,
but then he lost weight...
so we give him
a hard time about it.
- He's cool, though.
- Let's hear it.
Tim, what happened,
did you have a baby?
That's funny.
Just because I got these
great, skinny buns of steel.
Whoo! Look at that--
all tight and toned.
Bet you wish they were yours.
Don't you?
Take a look, boys!
The envy of the entire camp--
Up there is the bald eagle,
which is a single breed...
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Julie, the new nurse.
Pat, I'm a little lost.
Can you tell me
where the infirmary is?
Well, let's see...
Oh, well...I'll find it.
Nice to meet you.
Pat, you've been coming here
since you were ten...
and you don't know
where the infirmary is?
I panicked.
What are we gonna do
with you, man?
Help me with these bags,
all right?
- Garner.
- Yeah?
Let's get working
on this trunk.
- You got a girlfriend?
- Oh, no.
So you broke up with her
before the summer...
so you could be free
to play the field, huh?
you gotta play the field.
Yeah, I break up with
my girlfriend every summer.
You gotta be free, you know?
All right, put it down.
This is it, Gerry.
I've been the counselor
in here for 10 years.
I hope you're ready.
You'll be hanging with
some pretty cool cats.
Josh, how you doing, man?
I just saw the new nurse,
and she's very attractive.
This pleases me.
Here it is!
Ah, Chez Chipmunk--
my summer home.
What do we got here?
Gerry, this is Josh,
camp legend.
Aye-aye, Captain, sir.
All present and accounted for,
Captain, sir.
What's the matter?
You're not a captain?
Then maybe you
should lose the wings.
Welcome to
the Chipmunk bunk, Captain--
the best bunk
in the entire camp.
Yep! Sure is.
You guys aren't gonna call me
Captain all summer, are you?
Yes, sir, Captain!
Captain, looks like
you're all set here.
I gotta take care of
some other stuff.
You're the best, Pat.
All right, take it easy.
All right, Gerry, over here
is your brand-new bunk.
Don't tell anybody...
but I snuck in some Oreos
for emergencies.
That was very sneaky of you.
Download, now!
New kid! Yo!
Come on over here!
Get these salamis off my back.
They really hurt.
Phillip, look at this.
That's pretty nice, Nicholas...
but look at this.
I knew it was too hot
in that bus.
This is definitely not sanitary.
Grab a taste of England, guys!
You'll love the Bushkins.
Every year
they surprise us...
with something cool
for the camp.
Last year
they got us the Blob...
and this year I hear
they're getting us jet skis.
- Jet skis!
- Here they come.
- You'll love these people.
- Really?
Greetings, campers.
Hi! Hi! Hiya!
You'll get it.
That's the greatest sound
I've heard in a long time.
Harvey and I are saddened
and dismayed to announce...
that we are no longer
the owners of Camp Hope.
- What?
- What's going on?
What are you talking about?
Sometimes in life...
things don't work out
the way you planned...
and in those situations,
you file Chapter 9
We worked our whole life,
and what do we have to show?
Nothing! Nothing!
Harvey, please stop.
OK, kids, out with the old,
and in with the new.
It won't be the same
without them.
Your new owner will introduce
himself in a minute.
But you know what I would like?
Please, could you give us
just one more...
Camp Hope "Hi, hi, hiya"?
God bless all of you.
We love you, Harvey!
He's kidding, guys.
He's gotta be.
One word of advice.
Never let anyone
sign your checks!
Harvey, please.
You can't leave.
We need you.
Come back.
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know, man.
Now, it's time to meet
your new owner and operator.
Tony Perkis is a man
who believes in you.
His life is dedicated
to saying things like...
"Yes!" and
"You better believe it!"
Entrepreneur, a motivator,
and a new friend...
may I introduce
Tony Perkis!
Mm. Can you smell it?
What? No.
There's a life force
in here tonight.
Do you feel it? Hmm?
I look around this room...
and I see potential.
I see the future chairman
of a Fortune 500 company.
I see a famous rap artist.
I see the president of
the United States of America.
He's from England.
Being an only child...
educated entirely by
private tutors my whole life...
I'm looking forward
to interacting...
with children
for the first time.
I'm going to teach you...
and I bet you might teach me
a little something, also.
Now, those of you from
western Pennsylvania...
probably know my father,
Tony Perkis Senior...
the Lighting Fixture King.
All the lights you'll see
around this camp...
have been donated by him.
But I'm gonna do
old Dad one better.
I'm not gonna give you a light.
I'm gonna show you the light!
And to help me do it...
let's meet the new staff
of Camp Hope.
Team Perkis!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
All right!
Stand proud, boys!
Hey, who wants to be
on TV, huh?
That's Kenny the cameraman.
Hey, there, Kenny!
If all goes
according to plan...
we're gonna turn this summer
into the number-one...
weight-loss infomercial
in the country!
You're kidding.
Kids, at age 12...
I weighed 319 pounds.
I had bad skin,
low self-esteem...
and no self-respect.
Now...I eat success
for breakfast!
- With skim milk.
- Ugh.
Pounds are gonna fly...
and fat is
outta here, mister!
And we are gonna do it together!
Oh, my God.
Ha! Haaa...
I want to go home!
The Bushkins always put me
in the Chipmunk bunk.
I've been here for 10 years.
to my information...
you have been reassigned
to the big house.
I don't think Tony would mind
if we switched back.
That would make me
feel very uncomfortable.
I'm gonna talk to Tony.
Please do.
Let me get your bag.
Good-bye now.
Enjoy your summer.
I am your new friend
and counselor!
Please enjoy your new
Perkis system uniforms.
Your families will be
billed automatically.
Now, let's play the fun game...
that helps us learn
each other's names.
We already know
each other's names.
You--please announce
everyone's name.
OK. That's Roy.
That's Josh.
Sam. That's Cody.
That's Nicholas.
That's Michael. That's Phil.
And I am Lars.
What kind of name is that?
Where are you from?
Far away.
I must inform you I have
a severely deviated septum.
When I sleep at night...
I make
a very disturbing sound.
Don't be alarmed.
I am fine.
Now, go to sleep.
Oh, no. I'm dead.
I'm in Heaven.
Roy? Roy.
What's going on?
Wake up, campers.
It's a glorious morning.
Today is Evaluation Day.
The key word here
is "value."
Do you have any? Not yet.
But by the end of the summer...
this camp will be
filled with skinny winners!
"Skinny weiners"?
You hear that, guys?
Do you think I'm crazy?
I'm not crazy.
I just believe in you.
And I believe in you.
Call and order now.
All right,
let's go get our hands dirty.
# Ahh, freak out! #
Glide! Stride!
Get your butt off the ground!
Find your center.
# Freak out! #
Stride! Glide!
# Listen to us,
I'm sure you'll be amazed #
I'm feeling skinny, Tony.
So am I!
We keep this up,
I see no reason...
why we can't beat Camp MVP
in the Apache Relay.
What's an Apache Relay?
It's a dumb inter-camp event
where those jocks at MVP...
come over here and kick
our butts every year.
# Ahh, freak out! #
Only film the ones
that are standing, Kenneth.
141 pounds, Gerry Garner.
Weight-loss goal, 17 pounds.
Please step down. Next!
Very fat, I see. 160 pounds.
Weight-loss goal, 23 pounds.
Ooh. Oh, my!
Congratulations, Mr. Simms.
You are the fattest boy in camp.
All right,
let's hear it for Simms.
Get down!
# Ahh, freak out! #
# All that pressure
got you down #
Five and a quarter.
# Has your head
spinning all around #
# Feel the rhythm #
# Chant the rhyme,
come on along #
Big smile.
# And have a real good time #
Turn around to your side.
Please put your fat finger down!
# Freak out! #
# Ahh, freak out! #
You've broken my camera!
No, no, no,
you listen to me.
If I don't get a 50,000 unit
pre-sale on this video...
my ass is wheat grass!
Just hang on a second.
Attention campers,
tonight's lecture is...
Option or Obsession."
Watch out for Salami Sam!
Hey, don't pee in the water!
Don't drink the water.
He peed in it!
- Nurse Julie!
- Whoa!
Excuse me, Nurse Julie.
I'm having a problem
with my sciatic nerve.
Perhaps later you could give me
a deep-tissue massage.
I'll pencil you in.
Lars, shouldn't you be
watching the kids?
Don't worry, I have them
on the body system.
"Body system"?
Yeah, have a look.
- Body!
- Body!
"Buddy." Heh heh.
You're obviously
a very powerful man, Lars.
Would you excuse me?
Yes, but with much difficulty!
All right, Gerry, it's your bat.
Nicholas, you know what to do.
Is this kind of like cricket?
It's not kind of like cricket.
It is cricket.
Just with a different name.
MVPers are almost here.
Are the boys ready?
Yeah. Tony, I really need
to talk to you about this.
Our kids will get
their butts handed to them.
Why don't we hold off on this?
Thank you for telling me
how to run my camp.
That I bought.
This won't help those kids
get any better at sports!
We're not teaching them
about sports!
We're teaching them about life!
Come on, let's go!
Let's do it!
Go, go, go!
I'm not so good at sports.
Oh, yeah,
and I'm Deion Sanders.
We're dead, guys.
All right, I want to see
some hustle out there!
- Hey, Chris.
- Pat, how you doing?
See you got a promotion.
Yeah. Listen, Chris,
over the years...
you guys have whooped us
pretty good.
How about taking it easy
on my guys this year?
- You know what I mean.
- No, I don't.
MVP campers
are trained to compete...
at the highest level
at all times.
We wouldn't
want to confuse them.
Looking good, Pat.
All right,
let's work it around!
Come on, men!
Let's hit the field
and let the fates decide.
There we go--
good plan, all right!
There you go!
Eye of the tiger!
Did you eat your
Wheaties today, Phillip?
I hope to God
you ate your Wheaties.
Simms, way to hustle.
Like a rocket--
there you go.
Pat Finley, please report...
to the men's toilet
Bring a mop
and a plunger...now!
All right,
who's up first? Let's go!
Ohh, my arm!
Oh, my knee!
Ohh, my--
# Even the best gets beat
sometimes, baby #
Come on, lardo!
Tim, take me out, please!
# You got to hang tough #
- Ohh!
- Out!
# You got to hang tough #
Can I go to the nurse?
Yeah, OK, Phillip.
Just wait till
someone comes back, OK?
Ow, my arm.
Cody, what on earth
is going on out there?
We're Perkisizing.
Hey, batter, batter, batter.
# Even the experts miss
sometimes #
Strike three!
Nice swing,
you fat towboat. Ha!
Is that all you've got?
That's foul!
All right, next batter.
Let's go, son.
- Uhh!
- Look out!
- Ow!
- Sorry!
You can do it.
Keep your eyes on the bat...
put it in the pocket...
swing harder...
I have no idea
what I'm saying.
You OK?
There goes your perfect game.
Come on!
Calm down.
Let's go!
Take your base, you big baby!
You're holding up the game!
# You got to hang tough #
He ain't hurt.
Suck it up, Gerry!
Aww, look,
the poor baby's gonna cry.
Don't blubber, chubber!
Ha ha.
Don't mess with us.
No, man, that's my bed!
I don't enjoy
this part of the job.
But it's vital to the success
of the Perkis system...
that we remove all temptation...
...from your lives. Here.
Dispose of that, Lars.
I'm still your friend.
Come on, give me a hug.
Come on.
Tony believes in you.
Looks like my man's packing.
Drop back, son.
Oh, Tony.
I was a Chipmunk last year.
what are you doing, man?
Well, well, well,
what have we here?
Who would like to own up
to this treasure trove?
Whose wonderful candies
are these?
Oh, look. A deli meat.
You...come here.
Yes, you. Come here.
Don't be frightened.
Just come here.
- I.D. cards.
- Yes, Tony.
Let's see.
"Garner, Gerald.
141 pounds. Age 11."
You didn't have anything
to do with this, did you?
But I bet you might be able
to tell me who did?
Anyone who brings candy
into this camp...
is not your friend.
He is a destroyer.
Do you understand that,
Gerald Garner?
Do you?
I'm sure your father...
Maury Garner,
wouldn't want to hear...
that his son is a destroyer,
would he?
I don't think so.
Enough. All right.
I'll tell you
whose candy it is.
- Don't do it, Josh!
- Shh! Let the man speak.
The candy belongs
to Seymour Butts.
Seymour Butts?
Who's Seymour Butts?
Who's Seymour Butts?!
Nobody's seen more butts
than you, Uncle Tony!
You picked the wrong man
to mess with.
I didn't know
I was messing with a man!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
We have a comedian!
Hey, I like comedians.
Perhaps I can book you
on a tour.
You the man, Josh!
Good morning, campers.
Joshua Birnbaum
is no longer with us.
His bed is now available.
Josh is all right,
isn't he?
Man, I hope so...
wherever he is.
Sam, did you hear about Josh?
Sorry to hear about
your little friend Josh.
Hey, Gerry. I found out
the truth about Josh.
I heard that
they kicked him out...
and his parents were so mad,
they wouldn't let him come home.
They left him at a bus stop
all alone at midnight.
Well, he's dead.
He pulled a knife on Tony...
and he's locked up in
a juvenile delinquent center.
Now he's living
in the park in New York...
with a guy who has no legs.
No way.
I'm just telling you
what I heard.
Dear Grandma...
someone once said
"War is hell."
They've never been
to fat camp.
I knew
the food would be bad...
but even worse...
today he killed the Blob.
As for the go-karts...
may they rest in pieces.
I'm writing you...
because nobody else
seemed to care.
I did not send you
to go-kart camp.
Attention, campers...
lunch has been canceled today
due to lack of hustle.
Deal with it.
Tony Perkis
tries to lead by example.
This is the eighteenth level
of the Perkis system.
You'll all be doing this
by Labor Day!
All right, do it to it, Lars!
It's my honor, Tony!
- Ohh!
- Crazy!
But we're afraid to follow.
I know each and every one of you
because I was you.
Once a day, the kids
from Camp MVP drive by...
and make fun of us.
You stink! You stink!
You stink!
Good one!
At night,
they vandalize our camp.
At least Josh got out...
where there's food.
We have to resort
to more desperate measures.
Let's get 'em!
I want meat!
I'll save something for you!
Tony's arranged a dance
with the girls' camp...
so he can humiliate us
into losing weight.
Pray for me, Grandma.
Love, Gerry.
# S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y
night #
# S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y,
night #
# Gonna keep on dancin'
to the rock 'n' roll #
# On Saturday night #
# Saturday night #
# Dancin' to the rhythm
in our heart and soul #
# On Saturday night... #
Let's just get out of here.
We can't, man.
They're guarding the door.
# I--I--I--I got a date #
Rock 'n' roll.
# At the good old
rock 'n' roll road show #
Sugar-free punch.
This bites.
How much more
are they gonna subject us to?
Why don't those guys
just lose weight?
Why don't you show them
how to throw up after meals?
- Shut up.
- You shut up.
You guys, stop it.
Team Jerkis strikes again, huh?
Do you think he could've
possibly planned...
for it to be this bad?
I have some friends
in Child Welfare.
Tony must be doing something
illegal around here.
Maybe I should give them a call.
- Great.
- This really bites!
Would you like to have
some of this...punch?
Yeah, thanks.
# I believe in miracles #
Did you catch Lars's outfit?
# Since you came along #
# You sexy thing #
Yo, check this out.
Jeez, she's coming over!
I think she's looking at me.
Do you know
where the bathroom is?
That was brutal.
They're young, you know?
Still afraid of girls.
Poor guys.
So, do you want to dance?
Um, uh...
No, I have
a bad...sprained...
Excuse me. Tim?
# You sexy thing #
This is really boring.
This has got to end.
# Oh-oh-oh, yeah #
Excuse me, guys.
# I'm just a love machine #
# And I won't work
for nobody but you #
# Yeah, baby #
# I'm just a love machine #
Tim's blown a microchip!
Tim! Tim!
What are you doing?
Saving the dance. Come on.
The girls will see
how much fun we're having...
and then everyone will join in!
That's weird, Tim.
Maybe it is,
Reverend No-Fun...
but I am saving the dance.
Stand back and watch the magic!
# I-I-I'm just
a love machine #
# And I won't work
for nobody but you #
# Ohh, yeah #
Oh, yeah!
Get down to the funk!
Don't you see how much fun
we're having?
Join in!
It'll be contagious!
It's called boogie fever!
- Whoo!
- That's it!
Nicholas, dance with me.
Oh, yes!
Shake a leg!
Let's go!
# And I won't work
for nobody but you #
Maybe we should go out there.
It's just dancing.
OK. I guess
I can stand this song.
# Yeah, baby #
# A huggin' kissin' fiend #
Excuse me.
May I have the pleasure
of this dance?
Yes, you may.
# That you have got to use #
# If you look into my file #
# I am sure
you can find out how #
# To turn me on,
just set my dial #
# And let me love you
for a little while #
# Ooh-ooh, I-I-I'm just
a love machine #
# And I won't work
for nobody but you #
# Ooh, yeah #
# I'm just a love machine #
# Yeah, baby #
# A huggin' kissin' fiend #
# La la-la-la-la #
# La-la-la-la #
# La-la #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh #
# La la-la-la-la #
# La-la-la-la #
All right, dance is over!
Everybody go home!
Thank you for coming,
You ruin everything!
Buses are waiting
over there.
Thank you.
I appreciate your efforts.
I know this hasn't been easy.
He was nice, too.
Put the fruit trays away.
The insects will be out soon.
How about a ride out of here?
Did this place
always stink this much?
No, Gerry.
This place used to stink
very little.
In fact...
it didn't stink at all.
Well, it does now.
I thought at least I'd be able
to ride the go-karts.
I've never ridden one.
You really like them?
I'm so slow.
It would've been cool
to go fast.
Really fly, you know?
I thought I'd be good at it.
That's interesting.
Think you'd be able to handle
those hairpin turns?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah?
Think you'd be able to handle
That powerful engine?
Let's see what you got, Garner.
Come on!
Lean into it!
That's right!
So, how did you learn
how to drive go-karts?
Mowed a lot of lawns, Gerry!
Avoid the obstacles!
Excellent! Sharp turn!
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
Come on, faster!
Faster, faster, yeah.
No problem.
How are you
on your jumps, huh?
- These things jump?
- They fly, buddy!
Watch out for that oil slick!
Aah! Aaaah!
That was fun.
Let's do it again.
- OK.
- Yes!
As soon as I catch my breath.
Maybe next summer.
Come on, Pat.
Josh? It's Josh.
- Josh is back!
- Josh!
- Man, good to see you!
- I knew you were OK!
Josh, what's wrong?
What'd they do to you?
Josh...speak to me.
Were you in jail?
The nut house?
Josh, it's me--Gerry.
Gerry. Pbbbbt.
Heh heh. Funny, Josh.
What happened, man?
Talk to us.
Josh was bad.
What's he mean?
Oh, man. Oh, jeez.
Josh now good.
Good? What do you mean?
Must be...
good to see my big ass again!
I liked you better
with the lobotomy.
What really happened, man?
Perkis sent me home
without a refund.
However, my dad's a lawyer.
He threatened to sue
and Perkis caved...
like the Buffalo Bills
in the Super Bowl.
Hey, Josh, how long
have you been shaving?
A couple of years.
What was it like on the outside?
It was incredible.
First, I went to the Sizzler!
Got that all-you-can-eat meal.
I closed the place.
How are we fixed
for supplies on this end?
Perkis wiped us out.
There isn't a Gummi Bear
left in this entire camp.
Whew. I am doggin' it
this morning.
Ahh. Come on, T.
Now let's do it up.
Start me up.
Come on.
Hurry up, guys.
We don't have all day.
Lift those legs.
Looks pretty sturdy, guys.
- Hurry up, man.
- I'm trying.
Roy, you're up first.
Give it a shot.
you're my lookout man.
Give me a boost. Up, up.
All right.
Gerry, check this room out.
Roy, Nicholas,
you guys come with me...
and be quiet about it.
That candy's gotta be
in here somewhere.
I'll find the candy.
Where's the sweets?
- Over here.
- What do you got?
Come on, you devil log!
- Hurry up.
- All right, all right.
"Perkisize with Tony"?
That's me!
I'm skinny.
- Come on, Josh!
- I'm trying!
If you can't get it,
we need to leave.
Thanks, Captain.
I'm doggin' it, Pat!
You guys,
these are our letters home.
No way. This guy is sick!
This is the letter
I wrote my grandma!
Pack it up, guys.
Let's move!
Oh, no. We're dead!
He's coming! He's coming!
He's coming!
Roy, the picture!
Josh, the drawers!
Put the whites away, Gerry.
Help me!
- Whites right here.
- Just throw it in!
Wait a sec!
Where's Nicholas?
You guys go. I'll get him.
Let's move it, Roy.
Nickie! Nicholas!
What are you doing?
He's coming!
Get down.
Gerry, come on!
- Oh, my. I didn't mean to.
- Just go!
Coast clear?
- That was close.
- Clear!
- Whoo!
- We did it.
You really showed
some guts out there, Cappy.
One of those fish and chips
farts there, Nickie?
I extend my deepest apologies--
Wait! Wrapper.
- What?
- Food wrapper.
Come on!
Who's in there?
What have you got?
Nothing! No one!
Just go away!
Where'd you get that?!
I found it?
You found it.
Come here, you little punk!
- Tell us!
- Yeah, tell us!
All right!
OK! I'll tell you!
You gotta keep it a secret.
# I know a guy
who's tough but sweet #
# He's so fine,
he can't be beat #
# He's got everything
that I desire #
# Sets the summer sun
on fire #
# I want candy #
# Go to see him
when the sun goes down #
# Ain't no finer boy
in town #
# I want candy #
# I want candy #
# Hey! #
OK, everyone.
Here we go.
Hey, I'm not rolling yet.
Are you rolling now, Kenneth?
- Speed.
- Does that mean rolling?
Yes, it does.
OK, everyone.
Clap your hands!
We've reached the midpoint
of our great experiment.
Parents' Day
is just around the corner...
and I think they're gonna be
very, very pleased.
Remember to wear
your name tags.
I don't think
they'll recognize you.
Now it's time to see...
what the Perkis system means
in pure loss of poundage.
This is the moment
we've all been waiting for.
Phillip Rubinoff,
step up, son.
All right,
let's see how you're doing...
you little whippersnapper.
You're two pounds heavier
than when you came to camp...
but we can fix that.
All we have to do...
is decrease his food intake...
and increase
his metabolic output.
All right!
Step off the scale, son.
Muscle weighs more than fat!
All right! OK!
Gerald Garner.
Step on up, Gerald.
- Good luck.
- Go get 'em, Captain.
Hello, Gerald.
Moment of truth.
You've gained nine pounds.
Have you been cheating?
Turn off the camera.
Let me make something
very clear.
The Perkis system
does not work...
with cheaters
like Gerald Garner, OK?
How can I sell an infomercial
about fat kids...
who can't keep their
piggy little snouts shut?
Who's gonna buy that?
Step off the scale.
OK. Turn on the camera.
Josh Birnbaum, step on up!
Get on the scale, son!
All right!
- Get off the scale.
- OK, then.
Turn off the camera.
All right.
All right, fine.
I blame myself.
You know what?
I don't blame myself.
No, not this time, Tony.
Excuse me one second.
How you doin', little Tony?
Why do you feel bad?
Because everything's
falling apart...
and I can't do anything
about it.
It's not your fault.
I know it's not my fault,
but whose fault is it...
if it's not my fault?
It's their fault.
That's right.
It's their fault!
You have failed,
and you will pay!
Tomorrow morning at 0600...
everyone who has not met
their weight loss goal...
will join me
on a 20-mile hike.
Pack light, boys.
The party's over.
Twenty miles? Tony!
Tony, sir,
with all due respect...
I don't think it's healthy
to subject the--
Healthy? Oh, healthy!
The fat man is gonna tell me
what's healthy!
I'm just saying that--
You just--You--I--
I think if--
To subject the kids--
Know what? It's funny.
Nobody really cares
what you have to say.
You're a negativity-spreader.
You're contaminating my well,
and I won't have it.
Let's make the best
of this afternoon.
It's OK, man.
Forget it, Pat.
They're having a barbecue
over at Camp MVP tonight.
Carolina ribs.
The pork, not the beef.
I wonder what it would feel like
to be one of those guys.
Just once I want to score
a winning touchdown.
In my entire life...
I've never scored a point
in anything.
I'm just so tired
of being the fat guy.
I know, Pat...
but you don't want to be
one of those guys.
They're jerks.
Forget them.
Yeah, forget them.
Forget you!
Keep your washboard stomachs
and your oily muscles!
I don't want them!
I'm still tired
of being the fat guy.
Come on, Pat.
You're cool.
Everybody knows that.
I feel cool.
Being humiliated by that psycho
today was pretty cool.
Oh, yeah.
I've been
a lot of help to you guys.
At least you stood up to him.
Nobody else had the guts to.
We should've backed you up.
When are we going to start
sticking up for ourselves?
Now, Gerry.
How about right now?
Yeah. Let's go get everybody
and kick his ass!
Yeah! Hold it. Whoa, whoa.
We got to be smart here.
There's some proper channels
to go through...
but you get those guys
through the hike tomorrow.
I'll do everything
I can back here.
You be the leader now, Captain.
He is one, we are many.
His days are numbered.
- He's not so tough.
- Yeah!
This is the day we separate
the men from the boys.
Hightail it back to camp, Lars.
It'll be a rough one.
I don't want to see any slackers
or hear any whiners.
There'll be no food.
This is a cleansing hike.
Just Father Sky, Mother Earth...
and your dear old Uncle Tony.
Use the swatting motion
as an isometric exercise.
My dogs are killing me.
Gosh, somebody
going to die today.
Call 911.
Did you ever hear
the story of Icarus...
who continually rolled
the ball up the hill?
But when he got too close...
the ball melted
in the heat of the sun.
You're all like Icarus.
Aah! Aah!
- Whoa!
- Aah!
Thank you, Gerry.
Get up, Cody.
Leave him.
He's a straggler.
Stragglers must be left
to fend for themselves.
I was.
Get up, Cody.
We need to go.
Did you talk to Child Welfare?
They'd be glad to
come out and investigate...
but they can't come
for two weeks.
That's too long.
What did your lawyer buddy say?
It's dicey. We don't
have any hard evidence.
Tony's the hard evidence.
Just look at him.
That's what the lawyer said.
- So we have nothing.
- Basically.
You guys seen Tony?
That moron owes me 600 bucks.
I'll kill that guy.
Busting my ass
around here for nothing.
Feel the chi.
Repulse the monkey.
Part the wild horse's mane.
I say we push him.
No jury in the world
could convict us.
Strike the chi.
No. Too messy.
We can do better.
You've all done
much better than expected...
so I've got
a little surprise for you.
I've decided to extend
the hike indefinitely.
- What?
- That's right.
You won't return to camp...
Until you're
in the leanest, meanest...
bestest shape
of your short lives...
with one goal in mind--
to defeat Camp MVP
in the Apache Relay.
Quite the ending to
a late-night infomercial, hmm?
We don't want to play MVP.
We want to have fun.
Cody wants to have fun.
All right, Cody,
let's have some fun.
- Oh, my--
- Whoa!
I'm on the top of the world!
How's this for fun, Cody?
Sam? Why don't you
come out and join me?
I'm on my way.
He's going to get us killed.
- We got to do something.
- Yeah, but what?
What's that? I missed it.
I was just saying
we need a little rest.
Good idea.
Let's take an hour
meditation break.
Then we're going to climb
that 1,000-foot rock face...
over there with
our bare hands and feet.
I know you can do it.
Until then, observe
the silence of the chi.
- Shoot.
- Let's do something.
I don't know.
- You're lying.
- I don't believe in you.
You can't do it!
Hahh! Cripes.
What is all the commotion?
We realize we've been lazy,
and we want to change.
It's time we all got
our acts together, buddy.
Good! Good!
It's amazing what
a little food deprivation...
can do to adjust
your attitude, huh?
Can I ask you a question?
Go ahead, Roy. Ask away.
Is it possible to do a sit-up
if you can't see or hear?
Yes, Roy, it is possible.
Gerry says it's impossible.
Why don't we rock Gerry's world?
Come on.
Uncle Tony's going
to do a little demo.
There are so many myths
about the abdominal muscles.
I am happy to put
this one to rest.
See, Gerry? I told you.
Now, remember, Uncle Tony...
don't get up till
the count of three.
- I know the rules.
- OK, good.
All right, everyone.
One, two, three!
Kiss my butt!
Oh, my! Oh, my! Haah!
Uhh! Uhh!
Pretty impressive stuff,
huh, Tony?
You disgust me.
Come here!
Come here!
Get out of my way!
What are we waiting for?
Come on!
Run, Josh!
Run! Run! Go!
Ow! Ooh! Hamstring!
Well, congratulations.
You've just joined
the 76% of Americans...
who forget to stretch
before physical activity.
Let me see.
Uhh. Uhh.
we've reached
the point of no return.
The only problem is,
Kenny wants a lot of money.
How much?
Much more than
they pay camp counselors.
Great. Why don't
we have a bake sale?
What are you doing back
Where's the other guys?
You OK?
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Good. We're still working on
a plan to get rid of Tony.
Wait till
you hear what we got.
That's great, guys...
but we came up
with a plan of our own.
That is so cute.
Whatever. Come with me.
I have got a bad feeling.
Just try to stay open-minded.
- Password, please?
- Yankee doodles.
Oh, good God.
Ooh! Uhh!
This is unbelievable.
So, what was your plan?
What do you think
you're doing?
Taking over the camp.
- Oh, good God!
- This is insane!
This is great.
Pat, you know what?
He snapped.
He was swinging
from a branch.
He was going to make us
climb a mountain.
Guys, you can't kidnap
the owner of a camp.
They give people
the chair for this.
It was self-defense.
You got to believe us.
I believe you.
This ends right now.
Get out of my way, Simms.
Yankee doodles.
Tony, I'm so sorry.
I'll untie you right away.
Uhh! Thank you.
When this is all over,
I'm going to deliver...
one well-placed kick
to your groin...
that'll stop you from
ever having children...
you worthless piece of--
Are these ropes tight enough?
We can get more.
I was going to help you out,
but now...
I have to take you down.
- All right!
- Yeah! Go!
I always wanted
to say that to somebody.
Guys, it looks like
we have to play this out.
I think there might be
a way out of this...
but if we're going
to succeed...
we have to stick together
and work as a team.
I'll see you all in hell!
With all the bears
in these woods, Lars...
I doubt that you'll be
seeing much of anything.
- Bears love honey.
- Honey?
Chipmunks, move out.
Lars, have a nice summer.
- I didn't mean it.
- Heh heh heh!
I'm sorry. I...
Aah! I hate you!
You're awful!
Please help me!
I have candy.
Good boy.
You've come to free me.
Think we're going
a little too far here, guys?
No, man. There are no bears
in these woods.
Aah! Aah!
No bears, huh?
Help me!
Don't you have any decency?
Help me!
Look at the little deer.
Mr. Deer,
I am a vegetarian.
Wake up, Tony.
Tonight is Evaluation Night.
The key word here is "value."
Do you have any?
No way,
because you're a loser--
a loser
with a skinny wiener.
So, relax...
and repeat after me.
I am a loser.
I smell.
I have no friends.
Now breathe and relax.
Please, shut that off!
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
All right!
Thank you very much
for stopping on by.
Pass it on by.
I'll take one of those.
Party! Yeah!
Oh, my gosh. Is that Tim?
He looks like a human s'more.
Look at that food.
I should get down there.
No, Pat, don't go.
Stay here with me.
- Aah!
- Shut up.
Hey, Lars, guess what?
We're in charge now.
Know what we found out?
If you don't have a job,
you get deported...
so, Lars, buddy, pal...
you with us,
or are you against us?
I am with you.
I love you.
I thought they were
supposed to be on diets.
I think they're cheating.
Good God!
Can anybody hear me?
Excuse me.
Time to wake up, children.
Good morning!
Huh? Huh?
Who wants to tell us
the lesson we learned here?
Don't put Twinkies
on your pizza.
No. I think
what we learned here...
is something about
personal responsibility.
From now on, each of us...
is in charge of
their own diets.
We have to learn
some self-control.
Isn't that right, Tim?
You got it.
I'm ashamed of all of you.
Come on!
We got to get healthy
for ourselves.
If we'd start
respecting ourselves...
no one can touch us.
That's right.
You heard me.
We're as good as anybody...
and it's about time
we started acting that way.
We got to take control
of ourselves...
before we take control
of this camp.
Who's with me?
Who wants to do
this thing right?
It's up to you.
I will.
- Everybody ready?
- Yeah!
OK, let's go!
Is a tomato
a fruit or a vegetable?
- Fruit.
- That's right.
Today, we're going to make
pasta primavera.
Hey, how you doing?
- There he is.
- Hey, I'm over here!
Gerry! Oh!
Hey, big guy. Look at you.
- You look the same.
- I feel good.
That's important, too.
Come with me.
I'll take you around.
- He hasn't lost a pound.
- Oh, Maury.
Don't be frightened, Nicholas.
I'm a beaten man.
Good afternoon, everyone.
Good afternoon.
I'm Pat Finley.
You probably recognize me...
from my work in the Camp Hope
promotional video.
Right now, I'd like to play
another video...
to show you people
just what it's been like...
so far this summer.
This'll be great.
Die! Yaah!
As a health care
I would like to take
this opportunity...
to warn you that
Tony Perkis's program...
is not only ineffective,
it's downright dangerous.
# Everywhere I go,
I'm late #
My grandma
runs faster than you...
and she's only got one leg!
Say it one more time,
because it'll multiply.
- 40 push-ups?
- 60! Down! Now!
- 80!
- I can't--
He is strict.
Kiss the ground, joker boy.
Would you get
your foot off my back?
Now you see what
we've been dealing with.
Why didn't you tell us
about this?
You've been
a good guard, Nicholas--
strong and fair.
Your queen would be proud.
I'd like to reward you
with this chocolate kiss.
Where have you been
all my life?
I'm going to love this.
Oh, my God.
I'm going to be sick.
Nice touch.
I thought
I'd spice it up a little.
It gives you
that warm feeling inside?
Throw it over.
But it would smush.
That wouldn't be good.
No dinner, no lunch,
no breakfast.
How's that grab you?
Take the candy.
Nice and chocolatey.
Well, well...
looks like London bridge
is falling down, huh?
How do you like the food
here at Camp Hope?
It's good stuff.
Wait till I finish
asking you the question.
Just say,
"I love the food."
- I love the food.
- Good. Here we go.
So, Josh, how do you
like the food here?
I love the food.
Wait until
I finish the question!
Damn! Forget it!
If he isn't stopped
right away...
somebody's child--
maybe yours--
will be hurt.
Ho ho ho ho ho! Yes!
That was wonderful!
So entertaining.
The cinematography,
the editing techniques.
Though I must say...
the villain
was a bit over the top.
Everyone having fun?
You're the cause of
all my--their problems!
He escaped!
You little
British butterball...
I ought to show you what
it means to be an American!
Now you realize what
we've been dealing with.
He has to be stopped!
Ho ho! Stop me, hmm?
Uhh! I'm too strong!
Uhh! Ah!
I'm too motivated!
And you're too weak!
Aah! Uhh!
Especially you,
Garner, Gerald...
age 11, 141 pounds!
So, come on!
You want a piece of me, Pops?
No one's taking
this camp away from me!
I'm afraid you're wrong.
You are through here.
- Are you OK?
- I'm all right.
You have to take a stand.
Uhh! Guhh!
Uhh! Ahh!
- We did it, Roy.
- Yes, we did.
Sorry to ask you to deal
with this, Mr. Perkis.
That kid was always
a little off.
My parents didn't hug me.
You don't see me freaking out
like a little baby.
I'm going to take a bath
on this.
Listen, everybody...
don't freak out,
don't call your lawyers.
We'll get you your money back.
We make nice,
everybody's happy,
But for now,
we close down the camp.
Everybody go home.
Have a nice summer.
I got to get out of here.
I'd love to chat.
Good luck to all of you.
- Say something.
- Mr. Perkis, sir.
Papa, we don't want to go home.
Wait a minute.
If you kids
want to stick it out...
all I need to do is
put an adult in charge--
put it on the responsibility
clause for the insurance.
Who's been here the longest?
- Four years.
- One year.
- Two.
- Four years.
- Three.
- Five.
Eighteen years.
- Whoa.
- 18 years.
What the hell have you
been doing with yourself?
Are you up to it?
Pat. Pat.
Pat! Pat! Pat!
I'll sure try.
Ooh, yeah, OK.
Here you go.
Do the hokey-pokey
and knock yourself out.
All right, Pat.
Enjoy yourselves.
You deserve it.
I'm proud of you.
Dear Grandma...
things have really
turned around at camp.
We're finally having
a great time.
We're in control,
and we like it.
We're putting things back
to the way they were...
and no one is going
to mess it up again.
Hey, Chris.
Where's the motor, man?
With Pat in charge...
we are united,
and we are strong.
Can I get that wrench,
Thank you.
Josh, how we doing?
Got a bent axle over here.
We can do anything...
even take on Camp MVP
in the Apache Relay.
And we can win--I think.
Welcome, everybody...
to the 33rd Annual
Apache Relay games--
the favorites, Camp MVP...
versus the perennial losers,
Camp Hope.
This relay today
will consist of three parts--
an obstacle course,
the Hall of Intelligence...
and the Grand Prix.
May the best team win.
All right, Cody,
give it your best shot.
Put a little pizzazz in it.
On your mark, get set...
Get up, get up!
Looks like
an MVP romp again, folks.
Go, go, go!
Here, take it!
Keep going.
You got it, man. Yeah.
It's just a couple more.
Come on.
Up. All right, here.
OK. All right. Ready?
- Aww.
- Give me the balloon.
All right.
You can do it. It's easy.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
I know you thought
we'd get creamed...
but I don't think
you'll get creamed riding this.
Did a little work on the motor.
You better
take that feather off.
I don't think
it'll fit under this.
Camp MVP is
setting a course record...
as they move into
the Hall of Intelligence.
Solve the equation.
- 55.
- No.
- 17?
- Nein.
Nine is the answer?
"Nein" is German for "no."
Artist and title, please.
Solve the equation.
Wunderbar. You may advance.
You must now name
five American vice presidents.
- George Washington.
- No.
- Quayle.
- You said that already.
Da Vinci's "Mona Lisa."
Van Gogh's
"Houses at Auvers."
Botticelli's "La Primavera."
Over at
the Hall of Intelligence...
Camp Hope has almost
caught up to Camp MVP.
Can you believe it?
This is going to be
quite some finish, folks.
Right is gas,
left is brake.
- Alexander Haig?
- Sorry.
- Caught you.
- Shut up.
Nicholas, name five
American vice presidents.
Levi P. Morton,
John Calhoun...
Hubert Humphrey,
Spiro Agnew...
Walter Mondale.
That's perfect.
You may advance.
You Americans
have no sense of history.
Home stretch! Go, go!
Accelerate into the turns.
Don't forget.
Use your weight.
Lean into them.
Be careful.
This guy drives dirty.
- Thanks, Pat.
- Go get 'em.
Come on!
I don't want to put
any pressure on you, Big Al...
but we have never lost
this race, all right?
Don't forget your wings, man.
Take 'em down, Captain.
Yeah! Ah ha!
Hey! Back off!
Ha ha!
So long, sucker!
Whoa! Aah!
Oh, shoot!
Come on!
Oh, no! Oh!
Go, Gerry.
They're coming!
All right, all right.
Go! Go, Gerry!
Hey! Come on!
- Come on!
- No!
He's still behind!
He can't pass!
Come on! Unh!
No way!
Come on, Captain!
Come on, baby!
Aah! Yeah!
All right, Gerry!
- I flew, Pat!
- I know!
Hip-hip hooray!
Hip-hip hooray!
Hip-hip hooray!
- Yeah!
- All right!
You'll be happy to know that
we're filing a formal protest.
That cup belongs to us.
Oh, the cup?
This is what you want?
This is what your life
is all about, Chris?
I tell you what,
I'll airmail it...
back to camp for you,
all right?
Take care of that, Simms?
You're crazy!
You bet I'm crazy.
Come on! Get that cup!
- Oh!
- Crazy about my gal.
Hey, Pat...
thanks for the best
damn summer of my life!
Same here, Captain.
All right, guys!
Let's sing the inspiring
Camp Hope song!
Aw, come on! Here we go!
# Camp Hope, Camp Hope,
we sing to thee #
Come on, guys, sing!
# The greatest camp
in history #
# A place for boys-- #
Come on, Tim,
that song's boring.
Sing something cool.
You want to hear
something cool?
OK, cats, let's rock it.
# Camp Hope, Camp Hope,
the place for boys #
# We got no girls,
we got no toys #
# The bunks are hard,
the cabins hot #
# Last night,
a snake crawled in my cot #
# Make sure
the shower door is shut #
# Or else the 'squitos
bite your butt #
# And don't swim past
when your friends make #
# A warm spot in the lake #
All right, guys,
you're getting the hang of it!
Come on!
# Camp Hope, Camp Hope,
please give us food #
# We're starving in
a rotten mood #
# But still we're hanging
with our friends #
# So we hope
summer never ends #
All right!
Sounds good! Here we go!
# Here's a tip
that you should try #
# If people laugh
when you walk by #
# Just walk right up
and proudly state #
# Hey, back off, Jack,
I'm a heavyweight #
# Back off, Jack,
we're all heavyweights #
All right, guys!
Hey, look who's here!
# My name is Pat,
And he's our pal #
# And I'm Nurse Julie,
She's Pat's gal #
# You know I'm Tim,
And we're his band #
# And I am
Kenny the cameraman #
Stop that stupid song!
You call that music?
# I know you think
you're all rock stars #
# But here's
an oompah song from Lars #
# About my favorite
Camp Hope job #
# The day that
I harpooned the Blob #
# And just
to make it very clear #
# I was not scared of
that big deer #
# And although
Tony is not here #
# I still enjoy Camp Hope #
Thanks, Lars.
That's great.
All right, guys,
you ready to take it home?
- Yeah!
- Let's rock!
# Camp Hope, Camp Hope,
we all had fun #
# And now our time
here's almost done #
# But we'll come back
again next year #
# Because our friends
will all be here #
# And here's a tip
that you should try #
# If people laugh
when you walk by #
# Just walk right up
and proudly state #
# Back off, Jack #
# I'm a heavyweight! #
All right, guys,
that sounds great, yeah!
We got a bunch of
heavyweights here?
Are you guys heavyweights?
I said, are you
guys heavyweights?
are you a heavyweight?
- Yeah!
- All right, Gerry!
Now the rest of you guys!
Are you all heavyweights?
are we all heavyweights?
We're heavyweights!
- Pat, are you heavyweight?
- I'm a heavyweight!
Nurse Julie,
are you a heavyweight?
I'm a heavyweight!
- Lars, are you a heavyweight?
- I'm a heavyweight, Tim!
Kenny the cameraman,
are you a heavyweight?
- Yes, I'm a heavyweight.
- We're all heavyweights!
So, Lars, you think
you're coming back next year?
I don't know, Tim.
I live very far away.
We'll fly you in.
Kenny the cameraman,
think you can make it back?
I might be able
to work something out.
That'd be very nice.
What do you say, guys?
Does Camp Hope rule?
Pat, did you hurt
yourself on the Blob?
I tore my rotator cuff.
Good afternoon.
I know what you're thinking.
"Another guy hawking healing
crystals door-to-door."
I don't like
to call them crystals.
I like to call them
"transformational facilitators."