Held Up (1999) Movie Script

Tie a yellow ribbon
Around the old oak tree
Rae, this is tight, baby.
This is a tight song.
You ain't feeling it. I could
just flip the track, you know.
Put the '90s version, like:
Tie it up
Tie it up
Yellow ribbon
Tie it up
You spent $5000 for this car...
...and you don't even check
to see if the radio works?
You gotta realize this is not
a CD player, okay?
This is not a CD player,
you can't be banging it.
This is history. Original equipment,
an eight-track.
I'm gonna destroy some original
damn equipment in about two minutes.
Every time something sets you off,
you go swinging at the ding-a-ling.
Don't know why women want to do that.
Always ding-a-ling swinging.
I'll tell you, you can swing my
ding-a-ling all the way back to Chicago.
Oh, my God.
- You getting sick?
- Yeah.
- Look, aim it out this time.
- Michael, stop it.
You care more about this car
than you do about me.
- No. I do not.
- Yes, you do.
Come on, you know
I love you, nail girl.
It's just it costs a lot of money
to get these seats cleaned...
...and I haven't spent one night
with the car yet.
- You getting sick?
- Honey?
- You getting sick, huh?
- Honey...
Look, out, out, out. Aim out. Aim out.
- I don't have to throw up.
- What you gotta do?
- Oh, you gotta-
- I gotta go:
In, in. Hold it in.
- I've gotta go to the bathroom.
- I'm driving.
- Drive fast!
- I'm going.
I'm gonna turn the music up
so you don't feel it.
- I gotta go.
- Tie a yellow ribbon around your ass.
- Okay, baby.
- Okay.
- Ball three!
- He tak es ball three.
Phoenix is up by one in the first inning
of this state championship game.
The winner goes on to the nationals.
All right, Pete. This is the pitch.
No pressure, babe, no pressure.
Good eye. Good eye. All right,
let's drop a quarter in this carousel.
Strike three. You're out!
Everyone, please, stay in your seats
while the officials sort this out.
Oh, you must be smoking.
Hey, hey. What's going on
with my ri-?
Children of the Corn.
You struck out my hitter
with three men on base.
Struck out your hitter?
Oh, you're talking about the little game.
All right, well, my bad.
- Michael!
- Yeah?
I hope she don't think that's a john.
That filled up last season.
Look, I'm sorry for whatever he did.
- I did?
- He'll fix it.
But could you please tell me
where I can find a bathroom?
Well, most of the businesses
around here are closed down...
...because of our little game.
But you might try the Zip
two miles out on Main.
- Okay. Honey, come on.
- Yeah, I'm coming. Just hold on.
- I got some man things to discuss.
- Play ball!
- Honey, I gotta go.
- I got to do man stuff.
- Hold on a second.
- Come on, boys.
- My damages and everything.
- Let's go play some defence.
What you looking at, tiny?
Rae! Rae! Rae, what are you doing?
See, it works. There just wasn't
any radio stations in the desert.
Come on, come on, come on.
Go, go, go.
I see something peeking.
You dropped something.
- Shut up.
- Let the bag of tools go, girl.
It's Michael G. from Las Vegas...
- Oh, man.
- ... where it's 108 degrees on the Strip.
Boy, that's pretty hot.
Coming up next is "Sweet Lik e Candy"
from Page Three.
It's highway robbery.
I'm saying that the prices
is highway robbery.
I wasn't referring to you, that y'all
was robbers or nothing like that.
I'm sure y'all are nice
Christian kind of folks.
Is that the car McCann had for sale
down in Phoenix?
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
You know, your pump is broke.
What did you do to it?
- I didn't do nothing to it.
- Was working fine before you got here.
Yeah, well, now that I'm here, it-
Forgot to lift the handle, didn't you?
You forgot to kiss my black ass.
Yeah, well, looks lik e that Studebak er's
still got a wiring problem.
Looks like you got
a nosy-as-hell problem.
Good job.
I'm amazed that old car runs at all...
...with all that electronic junk
McCann stuck on it.
I'm amazed somebody ain't kicked
your ass, with that trash you talking.
I hope you didn't pay the full 18 thou
he was asking for it.
That's none of your damn business.
Eighteen thousand dollars?!
You told me we paid 5!
- Is that what I said?
- Yes.
I talked him down.
Michael, we all know you're good,
but you ain't that good.
Now, let me see the chequebook.
Yeah, well, the chequebook is-
Right in your hand.
You got it in your hand.
I wanted to make sure you could see.
It was kind of dark
when the transaction went down.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Michael.
- Rae, I know what you're thinking.
Fifteen thousand dollars?
But it's a '57 Golden Hawk classic.
- Honey, that was our house money.
- Did I tell you it was supercharged?
Michael, you lied to me.
You're getting all emotional.
You act like you're in a soap opera.
- Is it your time of the month?
- What?
Is that what's going on?
I thought you was bloated.
- A kangaroo pouch was happening.
- You know, I should whup your ass.
- Excuse me.
- What are you doing?
- These people could be dangerous.
- I can be dangerous.
- Hi, I need to get to an airport.
- We aren't taking sides.
Airport? Come on, Rae.
An airport? That's crazy.
- Oh, you ain't seen crazy yet, either.
- You're looking for an airport?
Yeah. Yeah, actually. Hi. I am.
Yeah. I told you once
to stay out of my business.
Las Vegas is just a short drive
around the canyon.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
- I can't believe this. After all I've done.
Trying to put together a nice vacation.
This is the way you act?
You call this a nice vacation?
And now we're spending the rest
of our time driving back to Chicago...
...to look for a house
that we suddenly can't afford.
- That money was for a house?
- Yes. Can you believe him?
And he bought this stupid
piece-of-shit Batmobile.
You know, I'm out of here. That's it.
Rae- It's not a Batmobile, bro.
Rae, where are you going?
Away from you.
- Don't make me call you out your name.
- Oh, I wish you would.
I'll call you out your name.
I'm gonna call you out your name.
I'll cuss you!
- Give me this bag.
- Give me. You better-
Give me this. You know what,
you are getting-
You're getting strong.
You ain't gotta take it out on the car,
either. Damn.
Don't disrespect me, woman.
Honour thine boyfriend,
like it says in the Bible.
There's a flight to Chicago leaving
Vegas airport tonight at 6.
I thought you said
you weren't taking sides.
I didn't know it would be so easy.
Come on, Michael, spending
that money violated a trust, a bond.
I'm gonna snatch them wires
out your ass.
We're headed that way, ma'am.
You're sure welcome to ride with us...
...as long as you don't mind
riding in the back with the boys.
- The boys?
- The boys?
- pay that much again.
Oh, man. I can't even get with this.
- Howdy.
- Hi.
They don't want you, Rae.
They got spurs that jingle-jangle-jingle.
- They got ropes and no steers.
- That's what you think.
Look, look, look. Rae, listen.
Now, black people don't do
this kind of stuff.
Mountain climbing,
getting lost in the forest...
...taking rides with people
we don't know, we don't do that.
So let's just chill, okay?
Goodbye, Michael. I'm leaving.
What you mean-?
- I can't do this.
- You can't do what?
I can't be with you anymore, Michael.
You really tripping.
Oh, now you're gonna
give the ring back.
Okay, come on.
Well, I spent a lot of money on the ring.
No, I didn't mean it like that, Rae.
I may not be an expert, Michael,
but women like to feel important.
The little things, like, well,
sending them flowers for no reason...
...or leaving little notes
in their sock drawers.
Uncle Fester, if you don't get
out of here- Okay, look, Rae.
You done had your fun,
you and the Beverly Hill-buddies.
I'm gonna count to three, and I want you
to get your narrow tail off of this truck.
I'm at two, Rae. This is two.
Okay, well, go on, then.
I don't need you.
I'm just playing, Rae.
Rae, I'm playing.
What about my ring?
I'll FedEx it to you!
- Damn.
- Don't try to call my mama's house!
Girl, your mother loves me.
I'll call if I want to.
What the hell?
Tough break, man.
Pretty stupid to lock
your keys in like that.
Wasn't stupid, man.
I was just in a hurry.
You gotta be careful.
This is a classic car.
Gotta know what you're doing.
- Damn.
- I can open it, you know.
- You can?
- Fifty bucks.
Fifty bucks, partner?
Who you trying to fool, man?
Fifty dollars,
I can get in there myself.
I heard some of them cowboys say
your girlfriend had a cute butt.
Is that what they said?
It was the tall one, wasn't it?
I'm gonna kick his ass.
Look, all right, this is 50.
It's all I got.
But you get it after you
get in here, okay?
You open it, the money's yours.
Let's go.
- Well, I'm gonna need a hanger.
- Okay.
- I can't do it without a hanger.
- I'll grab you a hanger...
...and a Wet-Nap to get your
Slush Puppie mess off of my ride.
For 50 bucks, you should have
your own hanger.
Excuse me, Bing, do you work here?
No, I just like wearing plaid.
- Look, I need to get a hanger from you.
- I need 14.75 for the gas.
Okay, look here.
- Look, I'm in a hurry. This is all I got.
- Better get something else then.
All right.
Fourteen-seventy-five for the gas...
...35.25 for a hanger.
You don't need a hanger.
I do need a hanger. If you was
in my business, like earlier...
...you'd understand the man can't
get into my car without a hanger.
- Wanna bet that 50 bucks?
- I will double down on the 50 bucks...
...and the plaid shirt.
Hey, hey. Get out of my ride!
Oh, I'm gonna kick your ass.
Your little ass is kicked.
I'm gonna kick your ass!
I need a phone.
- Sheriff's number is on the side.
- Okay.
I need a quarter from you, boss.
I ain't got no quarters.
What kind of store
ain't got no quarters?
Hey, look here, partner.
What I got to do
to get a quarter around here?
I know where you can make a quick
100 if you like wearing tights.
Come on, man.
I am in The Twilight Zone.
What you need, Opie?
Are you Puff Daddy?
Do I look like Puff Daddy to you?
You got a quarter?
Yeah, I am Puff Daddy. It's amazing
how you saw through my disguise.
I need to make a call. I gotta call my
record company and check on my-
You know they're going back
to eight-tracks? Do you rap?
Because you could be Too Short.
- Jose.
- You know, Vanilla Too Short.
Sheriff's office.
I need to report a stolen car.
Bummer. The sheriff's not here.
He's at the baseball game.
Damn, why don't that surprise me?
I can have Rick drop by.
Rick? Does Rick have anything
to do with law enforcement?
Does he carry a gun,
badge, shit like that?
He's the deputy.
Cool. Send Rick on over here, then.
Where are you?
I'm at the Pis & Piz.
No, I'm sorry, the Sip & Zip.
When you see him,
tell him Wilma says " hey. "
Okay. I'll tell him you said hey.
Want me to pick up
some his-and-her T-shirts too?
- No, just hey. Bye.
- All right.
Hey, hey. Don't you
need to know my name?
Figure you'll be the one
without the car.
Also, I have on a striped-
Hello? A striped-
Yeah, well, they said they're gonna
send somebody named Rick over.
This is cool. All right.
I got 50 bucks.
Minus the 14.75 for gas.
And his quarter.
Okay, I got $35.
And I got six hours
to make it to the airport.
Jose's daughter's taking a load
of grapefruit to the airport.
She could take you.
Can she get me there by 6?
Oh, man, tell him- I'll tell him.
Thank you, man.
You've saved my life-ay.
I don't know how to thank your ass.
He says the $35 would be nice.
The $35. All right. I'll tell you what.
I'll give her half when she gets here.
I'll give her the other half-ay
when we get to the airport-o.
Taco bueno.
He says okay, except you look
like the guy who stole his stereo.
But I've never met you.
Come on with the jokes.
He don't need to steal anything.
He's Puffy.
That's right. I don't need to steal.
I'm Puffy.
Give it to me. You got my back.
- We bad.
- Daddy's gonna be all right.
When life hands you lemons,
what do you do?
I like to make a light hollandaise sauce
with a salmon frapp.
- Sounds good.
- Yeah. Hell, I'm starving.
No. To the right.
Man, you suck.
Oh, it's a stupid game anyway.
Go to college.
- Mr. Daddy?
- Yeah?
Can you sign my hat?
- You want Puff Daddy's autograph?
- Yeah!
Oh, well, yeah. What's your name?
"To R-" Wait a minute.
That's too soft.
You got to be
"To Bustin' Rusty," huh?
" Recognize. "
" Hugs and kisses. Puffy. "
- There you go.
- Oh, this is dope!
Yeah, it's dope.
Wait, you gotta put the hat right.
See, you gotta put it right there.
Now you suave, see?
Get your shirt right.
What are these, gauchos?
Let your gauchos hang.
Now you can hang
with the homeboys.
In the 'hood?
- In the what?
- In the 'hood.
Where else would you be, huh?
Of course in the 'hood.
- You a warrior?
- Yeah.
- Are you down?
- Yeah!
That's what I'm saying. You gotta be
a warrior to hang with Puffy.
Get down. They're shooting.
I didn't want this for you.
You're too young.
Oh, my God, are you bleeding?
Afternoon, Jack.
Hello, Mary.
You busting a move on me, Puffy?
That's a little reflex. You gotta be ready
when you're in the streets.
You ever kill anybody?
Yeah, I probably have,
but I didn't stick around to see.
You know, I'm just tough like that.
Are these doughnuts fresh, Jack?
Fresh as usual.
- Are you her?
- What?
- The lady with the melons.
- What?
The lady with the grapefruits.
Are you her?
Hello? You ain't her.
That was quick.
Thanks, Jackie.
Maybe I can return the favour one day.
My bad.
Hey, you looking for me? Where-?
How you doing?
Yeah, I saw the crate on the back,
so I figured you had to be her.
You know about the crate?
Yeah, well, he mentioned it.
Whipped cream, dog food, douche?
You sure you want
the Spring Scented douche?
They say Fresh and Natural
beats it all to hell.
This is where it's at, on the frigging
counter, so this is what I want.
You got it.
Yes, I'll give you half of it now,
then I'll give you the rest of it later.
Hey, Jack,
how about some hot dogs?
Hot dogs not done yet.
- Doughnuts?
- They're done.
Shut up.
Well, Rodrigo, that'll be 9.57.
Quarters, if you don't mind.
I'd appreciate it.
Okay! Nobody move!
- What the hell are you doing in here?
- I came to get a hot dog.
- I was hungry-
- Who the hell is he?
- He's your guy.
- He ain't my guy.
I'm nobody's guy.
- He knows about the crate.
- Oh, Jesus. He knows about the crate.
- How do you know about the crate?
- Somebody told me the crate-
Y'all running grapefruit, huh?
He don't know shit, Rodrigo.
Would you stop using names?
Is that what I said to you?
I said not to use names, right?
Is that what I said to you, or was there
some other frigging idiot in the car?
- I thought you were talking to Trina.
- Hey, Sal!
Oh, great. Now, everybody got that?
I'm Rodrigo. That's Trina over there,
and the bigmouth is frigging Sal.
- Sorry, but he knows about the crate.
- Okay, shut up!
Everybody, hands up!
Sal, see if he's got a weapon
under the counter. Come on.
Look, I see you got a lot
on your mind right now.
I got somewhere I gotta be.
I'm gonna give you this,
because I could-
Go over here and mind
my damn business. You can keep it.
What are you doing, huh?
Give her the shotgun!
- Watch what you're doing.
- He told me to do it.
Ma'am, that shotgun
has a hair trigger.
What is that?
- Hey!
- You know who you're fooling with?
This is Puff Daddy.
- He the man.
- Wha-? Chill, little man.
This is not the time nor the place
to be a warrior, all right?
He's hot.
It's so hot in here he's losing it.
Puffy is rough, he is tough,
and he will kick your ass, west side!
Hey, hey, hey, you raised in
a frigging sewer with a mouth like that?
Parents don't teach you nothing?
I got a gun, man. What the hell
are you thinking? Use your head.
Son, that gun can put a hollow-point
through a 2-inch steel plate at 50 yards.
- I'd do what he says.
- Okay.
Give me what you got in that thing.
Come on.
Sixteen bucks.
I don't believe this shit.
All you got in here is 16 bucks.
Check back after Labor Day.
That's our big weekend.
Rodrigo, check it out.
We're on Candid-frigging-Camera.
Sal, whipped cream.
Take care of it.
You told me to do it.
When I say take care of the camera...
...this is what I mean.
He lies. He's just...
- He's just an idiot, you know?
- Yes, ma'am.
And I try really hard.
- Here you go.
- It's better if you don't swallow it.
It's good, ain't it?
Let me see the purse.
Let me see the purse.
Somebody got the jumbo pack.
- Hey, let's see the ring.
- Come on, man, leave her ring alone.
- Who are you now? Beverly Hills cop?
- No, I'm not a Hills cop.
Look. Look at her. The ring
probably ain't even real anyway.
- Yes, it is real.
- Would you work with me?
Give me the ring.
Okay, fine. It's insured.
Check out leatherhead.
- Come on, empty the pockets.
- They are empty.
- He says they're empty.
- Sal!
I don't trust him, man.
Look, bro, why don't you just minimize
all the pain and quit with the antics.
Just ask him about the safe.
- They got a safe?
- I know they got a safe.
Show me the safe.
I swear to God,
I waste him if you don't.
Oh, that'll teach me.
Okay, how about her?
Come on, man, be easy with the gun.
You see the girl is scared.
You never shut up?
Is that why your old lady dumped you?
Actually, she said he was an egotistical,
self-centred jackass.
- She did not say all that.
- I'm paraphrasing.
I told you, Trina. He had money.
I guess I can break that 50
for you now.
You got 50?
- Hey, you want a bag for all that?
- Yeah, please.
Get it, Trina.
- Shit, the cops.
- What?
Who called the cops?
- Who called the frigging cops?
- He did.
No- Well, yeah, I did call the cops
when my car got jacked.
Why the hell did you
come in here today?
I didn't know it was stick-up day.
- We're going to jail, Rodrigo.
- Shut up! Nobody's going to jail.
We'll get rid of the cop.
Just pretend we're in line, all right?
Just be cool. Don't try nothing,
or I put a bullet in his back.
Okay, in everybody's back!
- I have to get out of here.
- You're not going anywhere.
Check out those Doritos
over there. Go!
Just keep reading.
- Hey, kid.
- What?
- Play that game some more.
- Fine.
- Trina, fix up one of them hot dogs.
- Hot dogs ain't done yet.
Throw the frigging thing
in the microwave.
- Do it, Trina.
- I can't do it. I can't do it!
Just don't look at him.
You'll be all right
if you don't look at him.
- Howdy, Jack.
- Hello, Beau.
Which one of you
has got the stolen car?
- Yeah. You must be Rick.
- Deputy Beaumont.
Wilma told me to tell you " hey. "
Did she?
All right, I got some paperwork, if you
wanna follow me out to the cruiser.
Yeah, I would love to follow you-
You know what? I can't right now.
I can't even do it.
I gotta stay in here, back in line,
where the other people are...
...because they were witnesses.
Are you two together?
No. Matter of fact,
I don't even know him.
How you doing, man?
Mike. Mike Dawson.
How you doing?
All right. I'll tell you what.
I'll go out to the car,
and I'll get some forms...
...and I'll come back in,
we can discuss it however you like.
I think he bought it.
Yeah, sure. He sees a black man
buying douche every day.
How in perdition can you call him out
when he dropped the dadgum ball?
No, it's the mayor.
Rick Beaumont.
What is it, Beau?
He ain't buying it, Rodrigo.
Rodrigo, he ain't buying it.
What's he doing in there?
He's probably wondering
why we looking so ridiculous.
- What am I supposed to be doing?
- I don't know.
Buy something.
How am I supposed to pay for it?
I still can't break that 50.
Will there be anything else?
I got an emergency. You're gonna
have to take over as coach.
Okay. What do I do?
Take it easy on him.
This is my home phone number.
If my girl answers, man...
...hang the phone up.
I don't wanna d-
All right, Mr. Dawson, that's plenty.
I'll go get this on the horn...
...and we'll see
what we can't come up with.
- Mary.
- Richard.
He bought it.
Just kidding.
Oh, shit!
The cop set us up.
He brought the whole frigging town.
The crate! The crate!
- Leave the damn crate.
- No, no, no! Help me!
- Let's go.
- No, no. We can't leave him.
We got the money. Go!
No, no! Trina!
Damn it, Beau,
watch where you're going.
Get him, boys.
- Those guys are crazy.
- No shit.
You fellas hold off.
Ain't no point in shooting up
public property if it ain't necessary.
Public property, my ass.
I own this place.
This is Sheriff Eli Pembry
of North Butte County.
We've got you surrounded,
so you might just well give up...
...before this thing gets out of hand.
No, no, forget it.
Forget it, man!
Nobody out here wants to hurt you.
Forget it, man!
- You gringos is crazy!
- I got you.
I got you dead, dirtbag.
We just want you to walk out nice
and slow, give yourself up.
- That's it. Keep coming.
- Yeah, I got you.
I'm a hostage!
Give me that.
All you other peckerwoods,
don't fire unless you're fired upon!
- Man, those rednecks are crazy.
- No shit.
Back off!
Back off, or I start
throwing out bodies!
All right!
Somebody get me the book!
It's got all the answers.
- Careful, careful.
- Here.
Let's see here.
Ted, I need food and coffee.
- Right.
I need the blueprints for this store,
and I need them yesterday.
Yes, sir.
Dale, go down to the surplus store...
...and see what they've got
in the way of tear gas.
- Gas?
- Come on.
- Beau.
- Yes, sir?
Call the chief of police in Vegas.
He's an old fishing buddy of mine.
- Tell him we need a SWAT team.
- You got it.
And will somebody kindly find out
who's winning the damn ball game?
Beverly Hills cop,
you're coming with me.
Hold on. You don't understand.
We're both minorities.
- Why don't you shut up.
- This ain't the Rainbow Coalition.
- They gonna shoot us-
- Shut up!
He's got a gun.
You're the sheriff? Oh, shit.
You know, you're turning into
one major pain in the ass for me, son.
What the hell did you do to him?
I didn't do nothing to him.
The hell he didn't.
He struck out my best hitter...
...with two outs
and the bases loaded.
Oh, now he's your best hitter.
- You ain't worth nothing as a hostage.
- What did I tell you?
- I gotta get in line to shoot you.
- Well, take a number.
Okay, listen up!
You get those hicks over here
to move this crate!
Man, don't call them hicks.
While you're in there,
see how many hostages he's got...
...and how many guns.
- Ready?
- On three.
- One, two-
- No way, compadre.
You guys ain't coming in here
with no guns.
Make them take those belts off!
- All right, take them off.
- ... call up a SWAT team.
Okay. Now, everybody...
- ... no pants.
- No pants?
- I don't want no surprises.
- That's a surprise.
Nobody comes in here with pants on.
Do it.
No shirts, neither.
Do it.
Oh, no. Sheriff, I gotta
get out of here, man.
Look, my name is Mike Dawson.
My girlfriend's name is Rae Swanson.
- She was on her way to the airport.
- Wait a minute. Mike Dawson?
Are you that boxer?
No, no. That's Mike Tyson.
Are you sure?
You look something like him.
Well, since then, I lost a lot of weight,
and I'm a vegetarian. Come on, man.
That's Mike Tyson?
- I thought he was in jail.
- Excuse me.
Can I say something, please?
Hello, sheriff.
Hello, Mary.
Could you let Sonny know that I might
be a little late getting home tonight?
Yes, ma'am. We'll do it right away.
Go tell Sonny what's going on.
You know where to find him.
Sorry to bother y'all.
Anybody else got some movies
to return or something real important?
All right, son, just calm down.
Come on, bring it in!
Watch it. Watch the curb.
- You got someplace cold?
- In the freezer.
- Take it in back.
- Oh, slow down, slow down.
SWAT team's on its way, sheriff.
Hey, grab me a Dove bar.
Can you get a two-shot
of the sheriff and me?
- I wanna use the cars as a backdrop.
- I think you're gonna want this.
Oh, man. We got the frigging
TV news too?
Hey, I thought that thing was only
hooked up to the security camera.
Well, I gotta keep up
with General Hospital.
Yeah. That's a good show.
- store in North Butte.
The information we have
is still sk etchy, but-
Wait a minute. One of the suspects
is approaching the door...
...possibly to surrender to police.
Hold your fire!
- I've been hit! Oh, damn!
- Oh, they frigging shot him, man.
Hold your fire!
Hold your fire!
- Hold me.
- It's okay, Michael.
I haven't been with a white girl before.
It's okay. It's the last minutes.
- Nobody will know.
- It's okay. It doesn't look that bad.
- It looks bad.
- It does, my brother?
- You gotta get that shit cleaned out.
- I know I do.
Oh, okay. How about some alcohol
to clean it?
Jack, what the hell's going on in there?
You got any casualties?
You need a doctor in there?
Be strong.
- It looks real bad now.
- I know it does.
You know, sometimes warriors
get nipped in the heat of battle.
- Carry on, my Caucasoidian brother.
- Some warrior.
- Peace. Be still.
- Okay, maybe I should get some ice.
I can't feel my legs.
Icing could damage the optic nerve...
...if there's a fluid build-up
in the ocular cavity.
- My cavities are filled.
- Okay, then what should we do?
First, we've gotta determine
if the eye is dislocated...
...or merely protruding
from the socket.
That might be hard. He always
looked a little cockeyed to me.
- You got a sterile cloth?
- How sterile?
- Okay. Who's got steady hands?
- Let me.
Wait a minute, man. I've seen this.
I've been to jail.
I know what y'all trying to do.
- I think I feel some peewee action.
- Forceps.
Do good.
- Oh, my God.
- A hunk of glass?
- Dorito.
- Barbecue or Cool Ranch?
Cool Ranch.
What kind of gun shoots...
According to police sources,
Mik e Tyson-
That's right, the former
heavyweight champion.
- is at this moment engaged...
...in the fight of his life
inside this convenience store.
Tyson is believed to be a hostage...
What can I get you, honey?
Just a cup of coffee, please.
You look like you could use something
stronger than a cup of coffee.
Oh, no. I don't drink hard liquor.
Oh, no, now, all right. Let me guess.
He dumped you for some young thing
with a loose top and a tight bottom.
Well, no. Actually, it was a car.
Sounds like my second husband.
Oh, he had a thing for cars?
No, he had a thing for prison movies
and young boys.
Hurt just the same.
Sheriff! Sheriff, emergency call.
No, you're gonna have to speak up.
Tell Jeremy to keep his pitches low.
Johnson is a sucker for a low ball.
Howard? Alice? What the hell
are you two doing here?
I understand that you've got
Mike Tyson in there.
I'd like to tell him that I lost a bundle
on that Douglas fight.
But when you're pulling
a potato chip out your ass...
...it just puts everything
in perspective.
The Moki Indians of Peru
believe that a near-death experience...
...cleanses the spirit
and imparts worldly wisdom...
...otherwise gained only through
vast years of intensive struggle.
Of course, they also eat bugs
and sacrifice virgins.
Ever eaten a bug?
I had a bug-eyed virgin.
Jack, Jack. Come on.
Do you mind playing
something else, man?
Think I got it, sheriff.
Well, let's give it to them.
Wait. I think this is it.
Somebody shoot that harmonica.
- Hey.
- Hey.
We gonna do this today?
There go the Dove bars.
Well, what now, sheriff?
We wait.
You'd think that cutting the power
would have a little more effect at night.
That's true.
Where the hell is my SWAT team?!
Where the hell is North Butte?
Big J- J, money. You-
Do you mind? I mean,
do you know some other songs?
- I know plenty.
- Thanks.
I like one.
Come on, Jack, go with me.
You want music? Go to church!
I got a tape right here, sheriff.
What's on the list, Beau?
Well, it says here the next step
is to negotiate.
We are ready to listen
to your demands.
What do you want?
What the hell did he say?
Maybe you could hear him
if you hadn't cut off the power.
That was pretty stupid, sheriff.
I mean, how are we
supposed to talk to him now?
Y'all, Clute's coming.
And he ain't wearing no pants.
You in there.
I'm sending in one of our bullhorns
to re-establish communication.
it's government property...
...and you're responsible
for its safe return.
- You press the button-
- I know how to use it, all right?
Get your ass back there. Go!
That kid's lucky I didn't execute
his dumb ass.
Next time, I ain't gonna be
so generous, huh?
You wanna shoot at somebody, huh?
Michael, where are you going?
Michael, get back here.
You're not gonna shoot me, man.
I can see it in your eyes.
Oh, my God.
You got lying eyes.
What are you shooting at in there?
- You wanna be a terrorist?
- No, no.
You got your chance.
Come on. Come on.
- What are you doing?
- We about to negotiate.
Okay, but- Okay. You talk to him.
Sheriff. Look, I'm sick of this, man.
I've been robbed, kidnapped, shot at.
I could've stayed in Chicago
for this shit.
All your trigger-happy Boss Hogg ass
can do is turn off the air conditioning.
I'm running out of time.
What do you want, Tyson?
Okay. He'll release
all of the hostages...
...if you provide transportation
to the Las Vegas airport by 6.
What are you talking about?
You need to get to Mexico, right?
I need to get to Rae.
- All right?
- Okay, listen up!
Somebody is going with me.
Somebody besides him!
That's humorous. Listen.
He needs to get two plane tickets...
...and we need to get transportation
to the Vegas airport by 6.
If he don't get all that, if he don't get
his demands met, then...
- We all die?
- Then we all die.
Yeah! Everybody dies!
- Six o'clock, and I take this and:
- No, no.
- Brains everywhere! I'm serious!
- They know you're serious.
- Blood and guts. Serious shit!
- He's just hot. It's hot. It's real hot.
Find out how much
all this is gonna cost.
Look, look.
This is our first trip together.
You know what I didn't realize?
She'd never been on a plane, right?
So I sit there with her, and I say,
"Order whatever you want. "
She sees the flight-attendant button
with the little speaker by it...
...so she goes:
" Could I get a Diet Coke?"
So everybody starts laughing...
...but I'm like,
I'm gonna let her off the hook.
She sits there, and the Diet Coke
ain't came, so she goes:
"These people. I said,
could I get a Diet Coke, please. "
And it was just hilarious, man.
You know, she was just so innocent.
Why were they laughing?
Yeah, I'm not even wasting my time.
That's my little Rae, man.
Little ray of sunshine.
That's really pretty. Where is that?
- It's Mexico.
- Yeah.
It's Topolobampo.
Damn, brother.
- You're a travelling man.
- No, I was born there.
How do you say it?
Never heard of it.
It's a small port city,
20 miles south of Las Mochis.
It's known for its temperate climate
and guava-bean exports.
Oh, really?
We'd only been seeing each other
a couple weeks.
We hadn't even known each other
that long, you know?
I'm telling you, Gloria,
we were like-
We were, like, the perfect fit.
The first night we were together,
man... Oh, man.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
And we could just talk for hours
and hours about everything.
She would talk for hours
about nothing.
- But I didn't mind listening.
- Hello in there.
We've got ourselves a little bit
of a problem out here.
Michael, come on.
What problem?
Well, what with the cost
of putting up the new scoreboard...
...and fiscal cutbacks...
...the mayor says that there's no way
that we can charter a plane.
We can send you on a bus, though.
It goes down through Nogales
and Yuma.
It's a lot of pretty scenery
down there.
- How about first-class seats?
- It's a damn bus.
I guess we could put you closer
to the crapper or something.
What about dinner?
Is there a meal?
Got a brochure here, sheriff.
"A delicious portion
of mesquite-roasted longhorn steaks...
...smothered in a colourful
vegetable melody...
...baked potato or rice pilaf. "
Boy, that sounds good.
Okay. I'll go.
- That's cool.
- Okay, Tyson, you got a deal.
- We got a deal.
- Agreed.
Wait. Hey.
Wait. One more thing.
I need a dozen roses-
No, make that two dozen roses...
...sent to the Vegas airport right now.
Find out how much
that's gonna cost.
So why come in here
and rob a convenience store?
There ain't no money in that.
Why don't you go to a bank?
Oh, yeah. Like I'm very good
at this shit.
You could've fooled me.
You come in here
waving your gun and shit.
Billy Badass, "Okay, nobody move!"
I thought you was doing it.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.
- This is my first time.
- No. Get out. You used to...
Man, you on your way.
- How much did this tear gas cost?
- It was sort of free.
Good job, Dale.
- Sheriff, Dale's back.
- Get any tear gas?
- Well, sort of.
- Sort of?
Clute, buddy. I got an important job
for you. Come with me.
Me and you, baby. Dream team.
The hell does that mean? "Sort of"?
That's a nice gun, Dale.
Looks mighty powerful.
- Clute.
- Sheriff's orders.
Clute, how's it coming?
- What's that, sheriff?
- What is your status?
The fuse is lit.
I repeat, the fuse has been lit.
How long is this gonna take?
Well, I really have no idea.
Where the hell is my SWAT team?
Who ordered the burrito
with extra cheese?
What's your day job?
I mean, what did you do before this?
- Migrant work.
- What?
- Migrant work.
- Migrant work.
- Really?
- No, I'm president of Disneyland.
What do you think?
Things weren't going that great
in Mexico...
...so me and my old man
came over here.
Hooked up with a couple
of harvesting companies...
...bent over 10 hours a day
for 2 bucks an hour.
You just work and work and work.
Then you die.
You're right.
What did you pick?
- Strawberries.
- Strawberries.
- Melons.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm way ahead of you.
Go! Go! Come on, let's move out.
Come on!
Inside, civilian. Come on!
- It's about good goddamn time.
- Sheriff Pembry.
Your order's my order, sir.
Give him what he needs, Beau.
What do you need?
- Sonny.
- Hey, Mary. Mary.
No, no, no.
Don't do anything stupid, please.
Hi, Sonny.
Got a little bit of a situation here,
Sonny, so make it short, okay?
All right.
How you doing, Mary?
Is he treating you all right?
He's treating me fine.
Where were you, Sonny?
I came right over
as soon as Clute told me.
- But Clute got back a long time ago.
- Now, Mary, I rushed right over.
Ain't that right, Clute?
He sure did, Mary!
Hey, Clute?
Where was Sonny
when you found him?
- Wait just a second, darling, okay?
- I know where you were, Sonny.
What, you think I'm the only person
in the whole town who don't know?
Turn that down.
Sweetie, this is a little private,
don't you think?
Don't you even wanna know
why I make you wear them rubbers...
...even though I'm on the pill?
I don't need to hear that.
You said...
...you wanted to keep the real feeling
special for our wedding.
Oh, grow up, Sonny.
I did it because- Because I know
you're screwing Pamela Ridgeway...
...and I didn't wanna
catch something.
- Now, Mary, you just shut up.
- Hey!
- Hear me?
- Hey, don't talk to her like that!
- Hey, this ain't your fight, boy.
- Hey, don't you yell at him.
I'm sorry.
Good for the goose,
good for the gander.
You know what, Sonny?
I'm going to Mexico.
I think you'd better leave, Sonny.
Maybe you want this back.
You know that Sonny told me
he paid $700 for this thing?
I found the receipt.
It was, like, 40 bucks on one of those
television shopping channels.
Do you have any of those television
shopping channels in Mexico?
Because I don't have
anything to wear.
Where I live, we don't have no TV.
Oh, but my grandparents have.
Do you guys get General Hospital?
Because I love General Hospital.
We have an animal hospital.
Do you need one?
Waiting on your orders, sir.
We're in position.
Sheriff. Looks like the team's here.
What the hell?
What is going on?
Just waiting for your order, sir.
We won! We won!
We're going to the nationals!
I'm not reading you too clearly, sir.
Sir, shall I take that shot?
Everybody back in the bus!
Stay down.
- Drop the guns!
- Open the door!
You drop the guns,
or I blow his head off!
What the hell's going on in there?
Sounds like Guadalcanal.
- Sheriff, we got another problem.
- Oh, just one? Things are looking up.
- You know Lola Glaspie?
- The town treasurer. What about her?
You remember last year, she-?
There was a big deal about her
winning the trip to France?
Well, she didn't exactly win the trip.
They got her down at the mayor's office
now confessing up a storm.
How much we got?
We don't have enough for the charter
and two dozen roses.
Give it to me straight, Beau.
Well, we can rent a tour bus
for about an hour.
What about the flowers?
Well, there was a funeral
down in Vegas...
...and they got an FTD Pick Me Up
Bouquet left over...
...and they said we could have it
for half-price.
I guess that'll have to do.
I told you kids to get down in there!
- Get them kids down.
- Get down. Get down.
Get down, you piece of shit!
I've been straight with you.
I didn't hurt nobody in there.
And you send this asshole
to mess with me?
Just take it easy.
We made a mistake.
- Damn right you made a mistake.
- You get back inside, Michael.
What are you coming at him
like this for?
You gonna mess around
and get everybody killed.
The bus is on its way right now.
Get the hell out of here.
Just take it easy, son.
I ain't your frigging son.
There's a body in there, sir.
This is getting good.
Let it go. Come on, let it go.
What the hell?
Get away from him.
Get the hell away from him!
He's not coming.
Now, trust me, honey,
they always come.
Excuse me, I'm looking for someone
named Rachel who's flying to Chicago.
That's me.
Pretty. Who are they from?
There's a card.
Let me see. What's it say?
Let me see. What's it say?
"Our deepest sympathy on the loss
of your loved one. Mike Tyson. "
Answer the phone.
Yes, he is.
It's for you.
- Is it Rae?
- It's your father.
My father?
Girl, my father is dead.
- Hello.
- Deputy Beaumont.
Oh, Dad. Hey, Daddy.
When you said "father,"
I thought you meant my priest.
Yeah, my priest is dead.
God bless him.
- Yeah?
- I know you can't talk freely in there.
When I ask you a question...
...I want you to say,
"The weather is fine"...
...if the answer is yes.
If the answer is no,
I want you to say:
" It looks like rain. "
- You understand?
- Oh, yeah. You know what?
As a matter of fact,
the sun just popped out.
Okay. Here's the deal.
We want you to help us
take him down.
Are you willing to play ball?
Actually, it's starting
to look like rain.
Now, you do your part, and we'll make
sure that plane stays on the ground.
We got a deal?
The weather is nice.
Okay. Here's what I want you to do.
You get him to release
everybody else...
...then I want you to walk out
with him.
Now, keep your eyes
on the sheriff...
...because he's gonna ask you
to swing away.
Hand across the hat,
then across the chest.
When you see him do that,
I want you to hit the dirt.
And we'll take care of the rest.
You got that?
Okay. Well, okay.
I'll tell you what, Dad, I'll holler.
All right. Okay. Bye-bye.
Yeah, that's my dad.
He's an old retired weatherman.
I want you to take him out
the first shot, Beau.
- Let's get those kids out of here.
- Yes, sir.
Well, I'll be damned.
Hello in there.
We got the bus out here.
It's time for you to live up
to your end of the deal.
Let's do it.
- Let's clear these civilians out of here.
- Yes, sir.
- Folks, I need you all to move back.
- Go.
Let's move back behind the cars.
For your own safety.
Come on, move it. Let's go.
- What's going on, Eli?
- Just a precautionary measure.
You want us to move?
Oh, no, no. You're fine right there.
Clarence, that's one
you're gonna pay for.
This is yours.
For God's sake, Simms, get that-
It's 116 in the shade.
Wait, wait.
No guns!
You heard him. Put them down.
Let's go.
It's all right, Mary.
It's gonna be all right.
- Are you okay?
- No, she's not okay.
- She don't like being around a killer.
- I didn't kill anybody.
- What about the dead body?
- What about the what?
The body. The body in the crate.
It's my father.
I'm trying to take him back to Mexico.
Don't stop moving.
Don't stop moving.
- Drop your weapon!
- Drop it!
- No, no!
- Drop that gun, or I'll fire!
- I just wanna go back to Mexico.
- Drop your gun now!
- Wait a minute!
- Move out of the way, Tyson.
He's not a killer.
If you want us to hold that plane, you'll
move your ass out of the way now.
What's going on, Michael?
Man, they tried to get me
to set you up.
They did a pretty good job.
Okay, leave him alone!
Oh, hell.
Mary, you drop that weapon
and back away!
He's got a dead body in there.
I know. It's his father,
and he's trying to take him home.
That don't seem to make a difference.
He's under arrest anyway.
- Come on, for what charge?
- Well, for attempted murder.
For that shot he took at you.
If you charge him
with attempted murder...
...then you gotta charge him too
with his Barney Fife ass.
All right, men,
put away your weapons.
What is it you want, Tyson?
I want what you promised.
I need to get this dude to Mexico
so he can take care of his father.
We can't do that.
We don't have enough money.
You don't have
enough money? What?
Look at all these tax-paying citizens.
You got some money in here.
Come on, don't bullshit me.
- Town's broke.
- We are not!
- Oh, come on, Tyson. Don't do this!
- That's 50.
That's a start. Anybody else?
- You the man.
- Give me some.
Good boy, Rusty.
There we go. Anybody else?
I got 50. Fifty and the 5 and the 50-
Well, this has been about as good
as going to a matine.
There we go. Thank you, Mr. Bojangles.
This definitely qualifies
as my rainy day.
Hey, Jack had the money in his shoe.
Now, everybody, please, quickly.
Thank you, people.
Come, children.
Oh, look at these happy, giving faces.
Come on down, come hither,
feel the love.
Yes. I'm liking that.
Sheriff, all I need
is one more favour.
I need to get a ride to that airport.
Won't do you any good.
We didn't hold the plane.
So you just straight up lied.
It's in the book.
Flight 664 to Chicago is now boarding.
- Is that you?
- Yeah.
He's not coming.
I'm sorry, honey.
Oh, yeah, that's okay.
Thanks, Gloria.
Bye-bye, baby. Here.
Don't forget your flowers. Here you go.
Thanks. I'll see you.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Good luck to you, son.
- I think I owe you one.
- Don't worry about it.
Hey, I'm really sorry
about your girlfriend and all.
She probably wouldn't take me back
now anyway.
- Well, then, she'd be a fool.
- You'd think.
Oh, a little love. Watch this one.
Watch her.
Okay. If you're ever in Mexico...
If you're ever in Chicago
robbing a convenience store...
...I hope they pop a cap in your ass.
What's going on?
I've just had one hell
of an unlucky day, man.
Once upon a time, there was a wise
warrior in a tribe who found a horse.
And everybody said
what a lucky man he was.
One day the horse threw him,
and he broke his leg.
And everyone said
what an unlucky man he was.
Then there was a great battle.
All the young men died
except the wise warrior...
...who couldn't go
because he had a broken leg.
Deep as usual.
Strange as hell, but deep.
Get on out of here, man.
- Hey, Michael!
- Yeah?
Did I mention I knew a girl
in Topolobampo once?
Sorry about your store, Jack.
Thanks, Michael.
Please come again.
Hey, wait up!
That's Jose's plane.
All right!
Hey, Michael!
This may be your lucky day after all.
Maybe I can make it still.
Grapefruit lady, you're my ride.
We only got 10 minutes.
- Yeah, we can make it.
- Are you sure?
Yeah, it's just a short flight
over the canyon.
A condom with glasses. All right.
Wait. You got the 35 bucks?
- The 35-?
- At least half-ay.
Thirty-five- Come on, please.
This cannot be happening to me.
Consider that a loan, Tyson.
- Have a nice trip.
- Thanks, man.
I'm a little sensitive about my money.
Get me there.
How long have you had your licence?
What is this " licence"?
It's kind of shaky, huh?
This is okay. Go! We need to go!
This is the departure of Alta Air,
flight 664 to Chicago...
...is ready for final boarding.
All confirmed passengers
should be onboard the aircraft.
Hey! That's my car!
What did you do to my ride?
Keep it, you little asshole!
Did you see the excitement
on the TV today?
It was like Cops
without commercials.
You're not kidding.
Erly and I were glued to the set.
When they came out of there
in their underwear, I had to take a pill.
But how they could mistake that skinny
guy for Mike Tyson, I'll never know.
You give me the other half
right now, okay?
- Rae! Has anyone seen a black lady?
- ... climax to the hostage drama...
North Butte Sheriff's Department,
shown here bombarding the store...
...issued an apology.
Hey, Tyson!
Rae! Girl!
Oh, honey!
- You waited for me.
- Oh, I knew you'd be late.
Are you ever on time?
- Let's go home.
- Oh, honey.
Could I get a Diet Coke, please? Hello?
Could I get a Diet Coke, please?
Don't make me go for the ding-a-ling.
Don't make the ding-a-ling
go for you.
What in the hell?
Okay. Nobody move!
- Michael! Hey!
- Michael?