Helicopter Mom (2014) Movie Script
3, 2, 1.
Well, I'm just paying attention to you.
I am not hovering.
Okay.
You're always gonna be my baby.
Let's go.
I'm not ready.
H-how can you not be ready?
I'm not ready yet.
H-hover?
You think I hover?
You've always been, like,
hovering over me.
Lloyd.
Lloyd.
Lloyd, Lloyd,
what are you doing?
Do you love your mommy?
Did you wear your seat belt?
Are we here?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hang on, hang on.
Stay there.
I'm comin' to get you!
Can I take
the blindfold off yet?
No!
Get out of the car!
Okay, walk.
There's a curb there. Step back.
All right. Oh. All right.
And... and...
Happy Birthday!
Yeah.
We're gonna have the best day!
Come on!
Look at this! Isn't this
the best place on earth?
Yeah, It's something.
Come on! Oh, tattoos!
Let's get matching tattoos.
Oh, yes, that's just what
I've always wanted.
Really?
No! Not really.
Happy Birthday!
Yeah.
Got it.
All right.
Look here.
You've taken enough pictures
to fill a wedding album.
Will you stop? I have not
taken nearly enough.
It smells like a sku...
Is there a skunk?
A what?
It smells like a skunk.
Come on.
You don't smell that?
It's just weed.
It's nothing...
Oh, God.
There's nothing wrong with it.
What's left after this?
Prom, then graduation,
and then you're gone!
You're gone!
And all I'm gonna have left
are these photos.
Mom...
Photos that I am
gonna flip through
in that dark house alone.
It's just college.
I'm going to college.
IF I get in
and IF I get a scholarship.
I'm not signing up for a tour
of duty in the middle east.
But then you're gonna meet
a nice girl.
Don't you understand?
You're gonna go get married
in Minnesota.
Mom, I think you're getting
a little bit ahead of yourself.
Then kids!
Ah, then kids.
And then you're not gonna
have time for your mom.
Well, IF you're lucky,
I'll turn out to be gay.
We're gonna take some of these.
What are we doing?
Oh, these are great.
Right?
I can't even...
Oh, yeah.
Oh, what the...
Put this on.
This is not...
This is clearly not a man's hat.
This is very good, very good.
I think I look like
lady gaga right now.
This is me. This is so me. Look!
This is... what's this called,
a "selfie"?
Yeah.
And now...
Now what?
It's time to come out.
Come out of... what?
Ooh! Okay, all right,
sorry.
What are you,
too busy playing dress-up
to watch where you're walking...
Sheila? I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
Listen, we were just
kidding around.
We're just hanging out.
It's all right.
Just an accident.
Sorry.
Aw, does your mommy fight
all your battles for ya?
Okay.
Why don't you just leave my son
alone, you big loser?
Okay. All right, mom. Let's go.
Let's just...
Mom, let's... let's go.
Hey, lady...
Get your faggot son
and get outta here
before we make you
get outta here.
Let's... let's do that.
Let's go.
You're right.
We should just go.
Mom!
Yeah. Hit a woman.
That always turns out well.
Uh...
Excuse me!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Oh, my God!
So, you had to slap him.
Oh, my God. Run! Run! Run!
I'm running as fast
as I can, mom!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Gotta go.
Go! Go! Go!
That way! That way!
That way! That way!
Uh... honey, go! Go!
Come here. Come here. This way.
This way. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Okay, okay.
You all right?
Yeah, fine.
I'm fi...
Mom? Mom?
I'm fi... I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Here we go.
You're gonna scare...
Oh, come on, mom.
Look away.
There's nowhere for me to look
that I'm remotely
comfortable with.
All right, miss Cooper.
These are painkillers.
Only take two a day.
Oh, drugs?
I don't know about drugs.
You know, I try to keep my body
in a harmonious, earthy balance.
That's good to hear,
miss Cooper.
Every day I make myself
a green smoothie.
Just all the green stuff
from my... organic garden.
I just take that stuff
and I just throw it in there
like pea pods and broccoli
and kale
and quenoah.
I think that's quinoa.
Mmm.
Quinoa, too.
Eating healthy is important.
Mm-hmm.
You need to make sure you're
balancing it with exercise.
Are you exercising?
Oh, yeah.
I go to the gym so much
that they're like,
"Maggie Cooper, get out!"
I do yoga and pilates
and yogalates.
You know what else I do?
Pole dancing.
I love to pole dance.
I go up and down that pole.
I just love it.
Miss Cooper, you need to take
this seriously, okay?
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
My mother passed away
last year, okay?
Ah.
From a stroke.
She had just a few
anxiety attacks before
for warning signs, okay?
So we need
to take this seriously.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah, all good.
His mother?
I, mm, told you not to.
His damn mother?
I warned you.
Oh, my God. That was awful.
Get the car.
What?
Get the car! Let's go!
All right.
We're out of here.
Give me these.
You know, I think you were winning
him over there at the end.
Ma'am?
Don't call me "ma'am"!
Excuse me!
Always prepared.
What would I do without you?
I don't know.
Aww, you know what?
These pills don't work, though.
They just are...
Okay. Here we go.
You know you're wearing
a hospital gown, right?
Excuse me.
What up, boy?
Hey!
Happy Birthday, dude!
You know, I almost didn't
recognize you
without the dick in your face.
What up, dude?
Later, douche!
That is great.
Happy Birthday!
Oh, thanks, Fitch.
Thanks a lot, man.
Yeah, promise I won't hug you.
She treats me
like I'm 10 years old.
Yeah, dude, this is a bad one.
I know.
But at least she cares.
Yeah, she cares
a little bit too much.
There's another dick in my face.
I give up.
I have a question for you.
How in the world
did you find the time
to plaster those awful
pictures of me all over school?
What pictures?
The one... come on.
Who else was with me
at the dentist?
Nobody.
It was just you.
What happened at the dentist?
They're the pictures of me
when I have the...
The, like, gauze stuffed
in my mouth?
Aren't they great?!
Yeah, no. They're awful.
Come on!
They're embarrassing.
That... did everybody laugh?
At me.
They were laughing at me.
Well, It's kind of fun.
That's like a love thing.
No, it was rough.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It was a lot of that.
On your 17th birthday.
I know.
This should be a great day.
It should be, but it wasn't.
I'm so...
It was... it was hard.
Let's pause for a moment
and remember the day,
for me, the moment
you popped out of my cooch.
Oh, God!
Wish time.
Okay. All right.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
One wish.
Mm-hmm.
And I have to be in it.
You are. Okay.
Yay! Happy Birthday.
Oh, I didn't get it.
I didn't get it!
Can we be done, please?
Done?
It's just...
It's too much, mom.
I love you so much.
Okay, ready?
Happy Birthday. Okay.
Okay.
Okay. All right. Okay, you ready?
Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Three, two, one.
Two, one. Okay.
Okay.
We're still doing that,
but... okay.
Uh, I think you need
to check the printer.
This...
This printed very light.
Will you check on that?
Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
Uh, satisfactory, Fitch.
Story of my life.
And that was beautiful, Lloyd.
Thank you.
Do you write a lot of poetry?
No.
You know,
you should do it more often.
Poetry?
Faggot!
At least he can read
and write, Brad.
Carrie, what do I need
to write for, okay?
Look at me.
I got a body built for success.
And an I.Q. Lower
than room temperature.
Yeah? Well,
that didn't stop Ryan Lochte.
Ew. Really?
Gross, Brad.
Lloyd, did you submit anything
to the fine arts assembly?
No.
Well, now you have.
You're going to read this.
You've gotta share this
with as many people as possible.
The thing is, uh, is... is...
Is Lloyd can't do crowds.
No.
Really, though.
Just think about it.
Okay, guys,
see you all next time.
So, um, you think I could maybe
read some of
your stuff sometime?
I really like poetry.
Uh, no, no.
No, I-it... It's not good.
I don't... I don't like, um,
like showing it to anybody.
Much less reading it out loud.
I ca... I can't.
Well, um...
IF you change your mind,
let me know.
Thanks, Lloyd.
Yeah, sure, drew.
Oh.
Hey.
Thank you.
Are you seeing anyone?
No.
When was your first kiss?
What... what is this?
Do you wanna be kissed?
No.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
I get it. Okay.
I am not here.
Just cleaning.
Just got stuff to do.
What do you think about
when you...
Okay, that's gross.
That is not okay to talk about.
We cannot talk about that, okay?
Got it, okay. Okay.
We don't have to talk about it.
No, we don't.
I'm just gonna ask you, though.
Do you... dust?
I'm not gonna...
I don't wanna talk about...
Masturbate... with you.
Okay. Got it.
I'm not even gonna...
That is cool.
I am totally out.
Dignify that question
with a response.
Okay.
Too loud.
I'm so sorry. I'm... I'm so sorry.
It's...
IF you like boys,
I'm totally into that.
IF I what?
I would support that 100%.
Okay.
In my sophomore year,
I had a thing with a girl.
I know. Mindy.
Mindy!
I know.
You listened! God.
I've heard the story
so many times.
The beautiful thing
about girl-on-girl action,
and boy-on-boy... They know what
they're doing. Okay, okay. No.
There wouldn't be, like,
a minute of, like,
"hey, don't touch that.
That's not a button."
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.
Mom? Mom? Mom?
Can I just do my homework,
please?
With being a little wild
and free in your youth.
I just wanna get to know you
a little bit better.
Okay, then join the PTA
like all the other moms.
Okay! I can do that!
Not really.
God, I love you!
That's a great idea.
No! Mom, no!
Make sure that everybody
is checking...
Hey, ladies! Maggie Cooper.
Sorry I'm late.
As I was saying,
prom will be here sooner
than you can believe!
Clap, clap, clap!
And, of course,
I am keeping track
of your mandatory
volunteer hours.
I'm looking at you, Norma.
You have to build the hours up.
I've noticed that your checklist
has been down.
Oh, for goodness sake,
is that a diaphragm
on our beautiful table?
It's all good.
Just gonna take notes.
I'm looking forward to
everybody's decoration ideas.
I know last year a lot of us
were in a slump,
so I know this year
you are going to wow me,
and I'm very excited.
Now, don't forget
to please make sure
you are on the correct
e-mail lists
for your respective committees.
And IF all of you
haven't signed up
as chair of committees
and roped in every single parent
from every single class,
it will be noted
by Barbara Wolfe.
Excuse me.
Who's Barbara Wolfe?
I am Barbara Wolfe!
Dr. Barbara Sloan
Huntington Wolfe
of the Pasadena
Sloan Huntingtons!
All good.
Namaste.
This meeting is adjourned.
Has Robert completed
his Zimmerman applications?
I hear it is due at the end
of the month.
Yes, and the, uh, Peterson
and the O'Reilly.
Oh! Good for Robert.
Oh, did you
fill out the F.F.E.L.?
Yes, and the I.E.A.P.
and the S.S.I.G.
Oh, my Carrie's
in the same boat.
God help me,
it is like pulling teeth
to get her to
finish these things.
Well, hasn't she taken the sats?
National merit scholar.
Barbara!
That's wonderful.
Oh!
I bet you guys didn't know
that her little Melanie
had to file for fafsa.
No.
Yes.
They aren't doing well?
There's no shame in filing
for financial aid, is there?
No.
No, of course not, sweetheart.
Well, damn.
Excuse me?
Sorry. I forget
where I am sometimes.
Sorry about that.
Maggie Cooper.
How you guys doin'?
Um, I'm Lloyd's mom.
Our kids are frie...
Maybe you...
Your kids are friends
with my son, Lloyd?
What activities does he do?
What activities are there?
Um, clubs, athletics,
extracurriculars...
Student government,
debate, mathletes.
He reads a lot.
Well, then he's probably not
friends with our children.
Well, I'm here to change that!
That's what I'm doing!
I am here to volunteer
for stuff.
I can be on prom committee.
I just wanna be more involved
in his school
before he leaves
for college, you know?
So, uh, sign me up.
Whatcha got?
IF we need something,
I'll let you know.
So what do you guys
wanna do now?
Wanna go get a drink?
Okay, wh-what you're going to do
is show up next week,
on time, sit down quietly,
preferably by the door,
so I can ask you to leave IF
you cause another disturbance.
- Those bitches.
- The nerve.
Just because Lloyd's
a little bookish
doesn't mean their kids are any better.
Exactly.
But it did get me thinking,
though,
what am I gonna do
about Lloyd's financial aid?
Do you know how much college is?
A hundred grand.
I thought it was like 30.
What am I gonna do IF he gets
into an Ivy league school?
You really want him going
some far away from home?
No, I do not.
I gotta get creative.
I gotta think.
There are scholarships
available,
but the competition is fierce.
It's a shame he's not
a minority.
They have tons of
scholarships for minorities.
Latino, African American,
women, amputees,
albinos, pacific islanders.
Ah, I should've married ray!
Ugh!
Ray? Who's ray?
He is a Samoan guy that I dated
in high school.
That dude could bend my legs
over my head.
You are my hero.
Lloyd would be
half pacific islander.
Should've married ray, not Max.
They even have scholarships
for gays.
Really?
You know, I can't figure out
IF Lloyd is gay or straight.
And can you believe he won't
talk to me about it?
Would you have a problem
IF he was?
Are you kidding me?
I'd be thrilled.
Why?
Why?
Because he'd be the only man
who never left me
for another woman.
You know how great
that would be?
He'd be just with me
all the time.
Oh, my God. My gay son and me
going purse shopping.
How great would that be?
I could be walking down
the street,
going to the theater
with my gay son,
like, "what are you doing?"
"Oh, just going to the theater!
"This is my gay son.
He's taking me to the theater!
He's taking me to the opera! I'm
going to the opera with my gay son!"
Just walkin'... I didn't even
know you liked the opera.
I have never been to the opera,
and I would hate it,
but I would be there
with my gay son.
And that would be so great.
My son's not gay.
He doesn't like Pesto.
Yeah, he's so not gay.
Relax, man,
you're making me nervous.
She's nowhere in sight.
Yeah, not yet.
Lloyd, are you ready?
Um, I'm really nervous.
Well, I'm very proud of you
for doing this.
Let's give them another round
of applause.
Wasn't that amazing?
Who knew we had so much talent
at this school?
Next up, you know them well...
It's the girls' dance squad.
Just take a breath,
You'll be fine.
Your poem is beautiful.
You got this.
Oh, okay.
Deep breaths.
Okay, um, next up
we've got a poem
from Mrs. Moore's English class.
You'll be fine.
I can't.
Come on!
Come out here.
- Douche bag, come out!
- He'll be fine.
Hey, kid, come on.
He's coming.
Sometime today.
Seriously.
Oh!
Sorry! Love you!
Just go up to the mic
right there.
Hey, pretty boy!
Okay, okay.
Hey, junior.
- What is he doing?
- Come on, Lloyd.
Spit it out! Come on, Shakespeare.
Show us what you got!
Get off the stage, queer!
Mom?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Now It's a talent show.
Go ahead. Just take a breath.
Take a breath.
Just hold up. Just don't go anywhere.
Oh, my God. Look at her gold shoes!
Everyone, shut up.
My son is going to read a poem.
Go ahead, Lloyd.
Did your mom bring your bottle?!
Who is that?
Who's that? Hmm?
Oh. Oh, yeah, It's you.
Yeah, well, you are ruining it
for everyone, okay?
Stand up, show yourself.
Let's see you.
Yeah, you think It's okay
to call people names,
you little turd?
You think It's okay
to call people...
Gay?
His poetry is beautiful.
It's not what you people
are writing...
Unicorns and boners.
Go to the principal's office.
The principal's office?
You don't even work here.
I can handle this,
Mrs. Cooper!
So It's only the teachers who
can give orders around here?
Actually, yes.
That's true.
Oh, uh, okay, Oh, please.
As IF you'd treat Barbara wolf
like this.
Barbara wolf would be like,
"Oh, I'm gonna talk."
Barbara wolf would not be
on stage right now.
Security!
We don't know that for sure.
I wanna say something about poetry.
Hey!
Excuse me?
What are you doing?!
Bravo!
Um...
Now, bailing your mother
out of jail, that's a first.
Used to be the other way around.
Yeah, 17 times.
17 times, what?
Uh, the number of times mom
has bailed you out of jail.
That many times?
Yeah. That I know of.
I was convicted once.
Public nuisance.
I mean, really.
I'm a rock star.
That was a long, long,
long time ago, Max.
I still tour.
Indian casinos.
Things change.
Oh, I know. I went to my first
PTA meeting last week.
All right.
That's pretty funny.
Am I, uh...
Comin' in?
No jail jokes.
I was just about...
Oh, yeah, I saw you forming it!
Don't even!
So I was thinking, like,
blond streak, black streak,
blond streak, black streak.
What?
You loved it.
Mm.
It was hot.
Doesn't matter. It's my look.
I'm gonna rock it hard.
I might even do it tonight.
I'm gonna do it
with my mustache bleach.
Okay. Mm. All right.
I'm gonna go to bed.
You guys try not to get arrested
while I'm gone, okay?
Yes, dad.
Ha ha.
I was just gonna say...
We gotta talk about Lloyd.
Why? He's a great kid.
He is a great kid.
I don't know how it happened,
but...
And...
Our son's gay.
My son... gay?
Our son.
Yeah, okay.
Our son, gay?
I don't get the gay vibe
at all from him.
Well, see, I think that is
exactly what the problem is.
I think that he doesn't want
to come out
to his super-hetero dad
'cause he'll disappoint you.
I wouldn't...
I wouldn't be disappointed.
Are you sure about that?
Yeah, no,
I just don't think he is.
You gotta trust a mom
on this one, okay?
Whatever you say.
Okay. Talk to him.
Tell him you're okay with it.
For 10 years you've been saying,
"I don't want you
to talk to him.
You're a bad influence."
10 years, at least!
Now you want me to talk to him?
Things change, okay?
Okay. Okay.
Now shoo. Go, go, please.
Faster.
Maggie?
Come here, please.
Right there?
Yes.
Please.
You know, I'm sorry
that I missed your scene
at the arts festival
the other day.
Oh, you heard about me.
Stop right there.
That's fine.
Unfortunately, I did.
It seems that you mentioned me
to Mrs. Moore?
I get worked up sometimes.
Sorry.
That is in the past,
it is behind me,
and I'm just turning over
a new leaf,
and let's just move on
and do the prom stuff, okay?
Mrs. Moore told me that your son
seems sensitive.
Yes, he is. Sensitive.
Mm, sensitive-looking.
Is that code?
It seems that this might be
a wonderful time for your son,
who's very sensitive,
to start maybe his own club.
Maybe a sensitive boys' club.
Or a gay club!
A gay club.
What would they do there?
Needlepoint.
Choreography.
Poetry?
Anything that a seamstress
would do.
I mean, sure. Why not?
'Cause all the best fashion
designers are gay men,
so I would love that.
He could be Marc Jacobs or the
next Michael Kors. That's true.
He could be
on "project runway" going,
"hi, guys."
I would love it.
I guess because
I'm a single mom, my son and I,
we hang out a lot
and we just have a really close
relationship which is...
Maybe It's just the way it is
with gay sons,
and we're probably
just gonna have, like, a...
Just a great life,
go off on cruises,
and I'm sure
he'll take me to Paris,
and I-I'll tell you
something else, too...
I bet I'll be
the best dressed mom
in the assisted-living facility
in South beach.
He'll just park me there.
It'll be great.
Should we talk about the prom,
maybe?
Yes.
Yeah.
Barbara wolf always feels like
people who are sensitive
maybe should have
their own sensitive prom.
Perhaps your son should have
his own gay prom.
It could be rainbow themed!
Or sparkles.
Oh! I love sparkles.
These girls have great ideas
for gays.
My son's coming to this prom.
He's gonna be at this prom.
IF he has a date.
He's coming to this prom.
It's all good.
Well, Maggie, good luck
with your gay son
who's going to take you
to Paris.
In the meantime,
maybe he should talk to you
about your hair.
It's so nice.
Well, thank you.
I wasn't complimenting you.
Girls?
Ouch!
Wow!
Okay.
What is up with that?
Unbelievable.
They're out for me, right?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Oh, Barbara wolf
finally gave me a job.
I get to clean up
after the meeting.
Hey, I'll see you back
at your house, right?
Yes, please.
Bring booze.
And a tranquilizer dart.
"My name is Barbara wolf.
"President of the world
and the PTA.
"My name is Barbara wolf.
"I do not have any veins
in my body.
"My cooch is an icicle.
"My name is Barbara wolf.
I am Barbara wolf."
Ahh!
Barbara?
Congratulations.
I mean, I really wish
you would've told me yourself,
seriously, but congrats.
What are you talking about?
Your scholarship application.
They posted the finalists
this morning.
What application?
"What application?"
Yeah.
Come on, you big queen!
You don't have to hide in
the closet anymore. What?
That's the point, right?
I'm pretty confused by
your whole... your whole thing.
I don't...
Y-you can't keep
playing it coy, man.
I don't know what this...
What are you talking about?
They posted it.
Posted what?
God, she's trying to get me
killed. Oh, my God.
What?
There he is!
Lloyd, come on up here!
What?
Come on!
I-I think they want you
to be in...
In prom court!
Let's look at you.
No, no, no, no, no.
You look great. This is great.
Help! No!
It's 2014!
Being gay is cool now!
I am so proud to welcome
our very first
openly gay candidate, Lloyd...
What's your last name?
Uh, c-c-Cooper.
Lloyd Cooper!
Hi.
Hey.
How was your day?
Seriously, mom?
What?
Don't play innocent.
I don't know what you mean.
Prom courts?
Mom, most of the people
at this school,
they don't even know who I am.
They do now.
Also, thanks for telling
the whole school I'm gay.
Well, I just figured.
Come on, you and Fitch.
Me and f...
What?! Fitch?!
He's your only friend.
So we're gay?
Yeah?
I don't have a boyfriend.
I don't have a girlfriend.
All I have is this
crazy mom.
That's all I have.
All right, next?
Hey.
Yes, you, Lloyd.
Oh, come here.
Fix that.
There you go.
Thanks.
Having fun?
No, not really.
This isn't really my thing.
Yeah.
It's a shit show.
Excuse me?
Oh, I mean, come on.
Prom court, winter formal court,
Sadie's, morp...
It's all the same
boring pageant.
You're not like the other girls,
IF I'm not mistaken.
No.
I can't wait for this one
to be done.
Then finally my crazy mom
might calm down.
I know what you mean there.
My mom had a full-on
anxiety attack,
wouldn't admit it.
My mom hates your mom.
I can't say I blame her
for that.
My mom has what I like to call
a "polarizing" personality,
which really is just a nice way
of saying she's
probably bipolar.
Oh.
It's not funny.
No, no, of course not.
But IF it makes you feel
any better...
Anyone who manages to piss off
my mom is good in my book.
All right.
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
should we get this over with?
Yes, please.
Try not to take this all
so seriously.
I'll try.
And don't be afraid to say hi
to me on campus.
We're friends now.
Come on.
Great.
Try to look like
you're enjoying yourselves.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
You asked me to talk to him.
I like the red!
Right?
I look great, right?
I like it.
What are you doing?
Get...
Wow!
Okay, all ri...
Okay. Oh, don't...
Why not?
Okay, that's good.
That is so good.
Yeah, it is so...
So soft.
Oh, my God.
Okay, all right. Come here,
I'm gonna show you something.
Cut it out!
Ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
This!
It's a nice picture.
Yeah.
Now I need some hobbies so...
So he doesn't seem like
such a nerd.
Like reading and TV,
what else does he...
What are you doing?
I'm creating a profile so he
doesn't go to prom alone.
You're creating a fake profile
to procure young men online
for Lloyd?
Kinda, yeah.
What... have you seen
"to catch a predator"?
It's not a fake profile
IF you know the person.
I'm just gonna go through
the best ones
and just pick some guys
that could go...
Okay, don't tell him.
It just seems wrong.
Hey, It's not that wrong.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
- Knock knock!
- Yeah?
Had dinner?
Yeah.
Perfect.
Let's go out
for after-dinner drinks.
You know I'm 17, right?
IF my son's nearly old enough
to be shipped off to war,
he can have a drink
with his dad.
Come on, let's go.
I know a place.
Ah, Christy.
Good evening.
Whiskey for me...
And one for Lloyd.
Ooh.
We gonna do shots?
Yeah.
You know I don't drink, right?
Well, now you will.
Be a naughty boy tonight.
Yeah, this is, uh... this is
the first one, actually.
This is your first drink?
Yep.
Well, there's always
gotta be a first.
Sure.
Bottoms up, cowboys!
All right.
Thank you, cowgirl.
All right.
Mmm!
Ahh.
That's a good start.
Whoo!
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
You drank the whole thing?
Come on!
Okay. All right, okay.
All right.
We are not leaving this bar
until you are nice and drunk.
Whoo!
Another one for me.
You're going for another?
Oh, my God!
And we are gonna talk...
And drink,
and you are gonna love it,
God damn it.
Be right back.
All right.
Um...
Uh, excuse me, miss?
You can call me Christy,
darlin'.
Okay, uh, Christy,
when you poor our shots,
can you water mine down?
Aw, okay.
Like, maybe all water?
Okay, honey.
Please?
Thank you.
So...
So...
Give dad the 411.
Nobody Says 411 anymore, dad,
unless they're on
Disney channel.
All right, current events.
Fill me in.
Love, life,
pursuit of happiness.
Well, steady as she goes,
I guess.
That's it?
That's all you're giving me?
Come on
you can talk about anything!
You can talk about, you know...
School, friends, graduation,
love life...
Boyfriends.
God, you too?
Did mom put you up to this
or something?
No.
Absolutely no.
Good.
But, IF you're uncomfortable...
No, It's n... I'm not...
No, really, you don't have
to talk about it.
I'm not uncomfortable
talking about it,
I just... I hate everybody
trying to put a label on me.
Can I just be undeclared?
Just you and me.
Just... nothing you say
will ever be repeated.
You do have a question.
Uh...
Spit 'em.
How did you know
you were straight?
Well, that's a good question.
I guess I just knew.
Did you ever experiment
or anything?
Guys hit on me all the time.
I mean, for years.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, I... you know,
I kissed a guy once,
and he followed me into the bathroom.
Really?
I mean, I don't know,
but nothing really happened,
you know?
Nothing really...
But enough to know
you don't like it.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
I guess I just wasn't
really attracted to guys.
Can I ask you
a personal question?
What gives you a boner?
Dad, I'm 17.
Everything gives me a boner.
A slight change in the weather
gives me a boner.
Calculus gives me a boner.
I'm not kidding!
You are my son after all.
Not really, not quite, no.
Yes, you are! Yes!
I'm... I'm a virgin.
Yeah.
Well, I knew that.
I sort of guessed that.
Never even been kissed...
Boy or girl.
No.
Nothin'.
Oh, my God.
By your age, I mean, Jesus.
Maybe I'm just young
and idealistic,
but I-I think it should mean...
Something.
I mean, I th... there's maybe
three people I can think of
that I would even contemplate
sleeping with
who are ni... nice people,
attractive physically,
and, yeah, one of them
happens to be a guy,
but that doesn't mean I'm ready
to jump into bed with him
right away.
I don't kno... I don't know!
I don't know.
All right. Cool.
You're fine.
Just relax, take your time.
You'll figure it out.
No matter what you do or say,
you're not gonna change
my feelings about you.
And I've done some bad,
terrible,
irresponsible things in my life,
and I-I'm not in a position
to judge anyone else,
least of all my son...
Of who I am very, very proud,
by the way.
Thanks, dad.
That's... really good to hear.
Yes! Mom!
I'm in here!
Mom, mom, mom, come here!
Yahoo!
Look!
Look, look, look, look!
What are you doing?
Look, look, look!
It's here!
What is that?
Read it.
Right?
My God!
Yeah, you did!
We have a good chance
at the scholarship, right?
Of course. Yes. Yeah, We'll make it work.
Yes. Oh, God!
Oh, I'm so proud of you!
Oh, I need to get
you some luggage!
I love you! I love you.
All right?
I love you, too.
Oh, I love you so much!
I love you so much! I'm so proud!
Yeah!
So proud!
So that's it.
That's his college,
and you gotta trust me,
and you can't get weird.
Just go with what I do.
It's gonna be fun!
Is there booze in here?
Hi! Welcome to tin horn flats.
How many?
Oh, table for four, please.
You got it.
Three.
Right this way.
We're actually four.
What? No. Who?
What? Who's the fourth?
Just... nothin'.
We have four people tonight.
Maggie...
Who's the fourth?
Just a friend.
Who?
They stack onion rings here.
Hey.
Hi.
Aww, my future
east coast resident.
- Howdy.
- Hi.
Hi. Would you like me
to wait for your whole party
to arrive
before I take your order?
Well, why don't we just get
some onion rings?
The big tall stack of them,
and, um, could you
get me a Margarita?
A, just... do you have,
uh, two sizes?
Yeah.
Okay, I'll have the venti.
The large.
Yeah. Thank you.
Got it, right away.
Is there someone else coming?
Just a friend
is coming to join us.
Yeah, and I just wanna say
that I didn't have anything
to do
with orchestrating the events
that are about to occur.
I just came here to celebrate
you getting into NYU.
Maggie, hello, darling.
You must be dad.
And this must be Lloyd.
Hello.
Yeah, hi.
Parker.
Lovely to meet you.
Hi, Parker.
Do you wanna ask, um, Parker
about, uh,
where he goes to school
or, um, who cuts his hair?
Well, I go to fidm,
and I get my hair cut
at chop chop salon.
What about you?
Um...
I cut his hair.
Oh!
That's nice.
On Friday, he did his own bangs.
All right. Um, well,
I think I'm just gonna head over
to the restroom
and wash my hands
before we have dinner.
But you're coming back, right?
Sure, mm-hmm.
Is this some kind
of fix-up date?
No, it is just
a gathering of friends.
That's it.
No. I'm out of here.
No!
You can make up whatever
excuse you want,
I'm leaving.
I'll see you later, dad.
Lloyd, please, just a second!
Lloyd, scholarship, please!
The scholarship.
Just come here.
Just come here.
The scholarship rep
is going to ask you questions
about your gay experience.
I mean, do you even
have any gay friends?
You've got to know something
about the gay lifestyle.
Parker, I'm sure, is filled
with lots of insights.
Please, will you sit, please?
Just sit down.
All right.
How bad could it get, right?
I have no idea what came over
Mitchell the other day.
I mean, It's not like
we're even seriously dating.
It's not my fault he likes to
buy me expensive things, okay?
I mean, I feel like
I'm a pretty chill guy.
So then I just said
to myself, "Parker,
"what are you so afraid of?
"Guys are such drama queens.
Take a deep breath,"
and I just said,
"chop it all off.
Just chop this nappy weave
right off my head."
I'm really easygoing.
I'm all about
the low-maintenance, you know?
Yeah, you se... you seem
very low-maintenance.
That is so cute
how awkward he is!
Aw!
IF you need any support
or advice, I'm here for you.
I'm into really masculine guys,
like, really manly guys.
Really manly guys.
Like, IF I wanted to date
a girl, I would.
Every once in a while,
I find myself attracted
to somebody a little bit
more... androgynous.
Oh, Jesus!
Dad!
My God!
Really?
I don't know.
I- he better go
to the bathroom.
Yeah.
I'll help him.
Geez.
Oh, my God, I had no idea
how else to get you out
of that thing.
You could've just asked me
to excuse myself.
Well, okay, maybe that would've
been a good idea back then,
but I didn't do that.
So there. Here.
Thanks.
"Hi, Parker." "Who are you?"
"I'm Parker."
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
I feel dumber for having sat
through that whole thing.
My God, she's insane!
This is beautiful.
Maybe I should take it.
Come on, be serious.
What are we gonna do?
You wanna get out of here?
Yeah! But IF we tried anything,
she'd handcuff us to the booth.
Just how desperately do you
wanna get out of here?
What's going on?
Are you choking?
Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
Need the Heimlich?
He can speak! What? The burger?
Pineapple!
So?
Pineapple?
He's allergic to pineapple!
He's not allergic to pineapple!
I better take him
to the hospital.
Oh, man. I'll rush him
to the hospital.
Right.
This is bad!
I'll call you.
Oh, my God!
Thanks for getting me
out of that.
Don't kid yourself,
you owe me $2.50.
Wh... for getting me
out of the date?
And interest. You were
eyeing the steak knife.
Yeah, I know.
I just...
I thought she knew me better
than that.
Wrong again.
Hey you!
Hey!
Fancy seeing you here.
Hey, uh, Carrie,
this is my dad, Max.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Damn, you got a hot dad, Lloyd.
That's...
Not weird at all.
I just mean I can see where
you get your good looks from.
Ah.
The girls and I were just
headed to the bar.
Why?
Peggy knows the bartender.
We were gonna flirt with him,
try to get some free drinks.
Does that really work?
Lloyd.
Come on!
A group of pretty girls?
It's not that hard.
Oh, all right.
Do you wanna come with us?
No, I'm actually...
I'm gonna hang out
with my dad tonight.
Oh, okay. Well, uh,
IF you wanna join,
We'll be over there
getting drunk,
so stop by, maybe?
Maybe.
Okay. Think about it.
All right.
Bye, Lloyd.
Nice to meet you, dad.
Nice to meet you.
Bye, Carrie.
He's really cute.
You sure?
Yeah, It's fine.
I'll see her at school.
She's hot.
Dad, come on.
What?
It's a little creepy.
Not... It's not about me,
It's all about you.
Eyes only for you.
Oh, come on.
Yeah.
No!
The way she looked at you,
she touched you.
Okay, so?
No, a-a casual touch by a girl
is never by accident.
You're crazy.
I am not crazy.
You think I don't know girls?
I'm pretty good with the girls.
Are you trying
to straighten me out?
No.
I'm just, maybe, helping you
become a more complete version
of yourself.
Can we get out of here?
Yeah.
You wanna go home?
No! I don't wanna go home,
anywhere but home.
Wow.
I love coming back here, son.
Mm.
It's been a long time.
Used to smoke weed back there
in between periods.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I'll ditch class sometimes.
I'll sit at the bench
by the soccer fields.
You ditch class?
Yeah.
I read, but, yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, wow, this is where
your mother would eat lunch
with her friends every day.
Huh.
That, right there, is the tree
you sit under IF you wanna get
pooped on by squirrels.
Well, that's kinda
what it was like,
uh, romancing your mother.
What's the meanest thing
you ever did in high school?
Isn't everybody a jerk
in high school?
Being mean, it somehow equates
with being cool.
Everybody's so lost and stupid.
You think we would've been
friends in high school?
You and me?
Yeah. Be honest.
Probably not, huh?
Yeah, I don't think so, either.
Well, I was just such a jerk,
you know?
I wouldn't even have deserved
to be your friend.
It's okay.
I'm not offended that you
wouldn't have been
my hypothetical friend.
Don't make a joke about it.
I'm serious.
You're a much better person
than I was in high school.
You're more thoughtful.
You're more mature.
Hell, you're a better person
than I am as an adult.
And you really ought to
stop being self-deprecating.
You just use it as armor.
I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to get you all worked up.
You know...
Could you do me a favor?
The next time somebody
opens up to you,
don't think about
their intentions...
Or where it may be going
or how it might end.
Even though you might
be embarrassed by it,
just put yourself out there.
You know, you really are
a person worth knowing.
You really are.
Mm.
Yeah.
He's not here yet, huh?
What?
How did you find me?
What? I'm your mother. I know
where you are at all times.
I'd love to tell you to leave,
but I know that you won't,
so, please, just stay quiet,
okay?
Don't get involved.
Please?
Yes, I will.
Thank you.
Okay. Don't forget
you're in the choir,
and you're a huge, essential
part of this entire high school.
And IF there's a hell,
I'll be going there for this.
Listen to me.
Huh?
You're in the homestretch, okay?
Your grades got you here.
You just have to convince Derek
of your exemplary character.
Yes, yes. I do.
I have to convince him.
Yes.
Not we, me.
Okay. All right.
Okay.
So then have you thought about
what you're gonna say
about your experiences
as a gay man?
Lloyd?
Yes!
Yes. Uh, thank you, ma'am,
that's all the help I'll need.
Don't call me ma'am.
Hi.
Hi, I'm Derek
from the point foundation.
Hi, It's nice to meet you.
So, what is it like growing up
out and gay in Venice?
Uh, sorry, what?
How do kids here treat you
when they know you're gay
and open about it?
Um...
Well, I don... I don't know
IF It's just that I'm,
um, a shy personality
or IF It's this
defense mechanism
but, uh, I've survived school
by not putting myself
in uncomfortable situations.
Um, It's... It's only
been recently that I've,
uh, really let people
get to know me,
you know, p-put myself
out there to be judged.
Um, It's scary, you know,
It's really scary, but, uh,
I've been really surprised
by the inherent kindness
in people.
That's wonderful.
To see a young person
who knows who they are
and can speak proudly about it.
That's exactly the type
of person
our scholarship is seeking out.
All that's left is a visit
to your administrators,
just to learn about
your leadership skills,
and we'd like to get an idea
of what your fellow students
think of you.
My... my fellow students?
I shouldn't be telling you this,
but you're looking pretty good
for the scholarship.
That's great.
Thank you.
So, what upcoming events
are there?
Well, um...
I suppose...
Prom!
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Lloyd's mom.
Oh!
I'm Maggie.
No, don't come around!
Oh, she's coming around.
Hi, there.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, let's just hug it out.
Am I wrong?
Here's the thing.
Lloyd is too shy to tell you,
but he has been nominated
as prom king.
And I think he's gonna win.
I-It's all set then, Lloyd.
I'll see you at prom.
All right.
Okay.
Lloyd's mom?
Yes.
It was nice to meet you.
You too.
You should be very proud
of your son.
Thank you.
You did it!
Shh! Shh!
We're good!
This is a library.
Okay, okay, sorry.
Oh, but you were perfect.
You spoke from the heart.
Okay, thank you, thank you.
Now please leave.
It was... okay.
I'm gonna call your dad,
even though I hate him.
Okay, fine.
Thank you. Bye!
Bye, I love you. Bye!
Bye.
Bye.
I refuse to do
our science homework.
I know.
Whoa, hey!
I saw you with him!
Okay, I-I don't know...
You got the wrong guy.
Don't lie to me, you whore!
What?
I was his first, you skanky bitch!
Whose first?
Parker's!
Oh, Parker?
You are nothing compared
to my love for Parker!
That self-important
narcissist?
Wait, what's going on?
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
Break it up!
He's trying to take my man!
He doesn't go to this school!
Hey!
You're not even a real cop!
Come on with me.
Leave him alone!
Stop it!
Leave me alone!
Ooh, you're strong.
Oh, you're...
Are you all right?
Y-yeah, are you?
Yeah, I'm f... I'm fine.
Let's... let's go. Come on.
How do you even know that guy?
I don't know him.
Really?
Never met him before.
No!
Not a scorned lover?
No, no.
Well, I don't...
Oh.
What?
You've got a little...
It's like...
Where? Is it
all right, there you go.
You're good.
It's a little ticklish.
Yeah.
Uh, Oh, here, ready?
Just... you got a little...
Just, um...
What? Just...
Just... yeah.
How's that?
That... that's...
Yeah?
Yeah.
I've got, like, rocker-hair
goin' on right now, right?
Lloyd Cooper, whoo!
Yeah, that's you.
No. Not me.
So, you ready for prom?
No, not in the least.
Me neither.
You're, uh,
goin' with Josh? Right?
Why does everyone assume that?
I mean, just because
I'm a cheerleader
and he's the quarterback,
and, I don't know, we've slept
together 200,000 times
doesn't make it
a foregone conclusion.
Right. Ah. My bad.
Nah, I'm goin' stag this year.
Yeah?
Yeah. The guys at this school
are so dumb.
And as an added bonus,
it'll piss off my mom.
Mm.
Yeah,
I-I'm going by myself, too.
What? Why?
Boys are lining up
to go with you.
I'll see you later.
Uh, Carrie?
Uh, you, uh...
You wouldn't at all
be interested in maybe
going to prom with me?
Uh, really?
Yeah! Uh, why not?
I thought you liked boys.
Uh, I'm asking you
because
I... want to go with you.
I en-enjoy, um,
spending time with you.
I... I... you make me laugh,
easily and often.
When you talk in class,
I actually enjoy hearing
what you have to say,
as opposed to normally when I
just wanna gouge my eyes out.
Well...
That just made my day.
And?
Let's do this, it'll be fun.
Really?
Really.
Yes.
Dude.
What was that?
Nothin', it was fine.
She just kissed you
on the cheek?!
Yeah!
What?!
Yeah!
Yeah, dude!
Okay. Wa-hoo-hoo!
Someone's got a date!
Someone's got a date!
What, do you take all nine
of these mustards
and put them together
and eat it?
There's nothing in here!
There's yogurt.
Mmm!
You're not actually gonna drink
that concoction, are you?
Yeah, I am.
And so are you.
Because you are gonna
get into better shape,
aging rock star.
What is wrong with me, right?
Nothing.
Hello, parental units!
Hey!
Hey.
Tons of yogurt in there?
Try it.
Well, he looks happy
for a change.
Yeah, maybe It's 'cause he has
a date to the prom.
I would know
IF he had a date to the prom.
Maybe you wouldn't.
What?
He has a date to the prom?
He got a date for the prom.
How do you know that?
I guess he told me.
Have you met the guy?
What's his name?
How old is he? Who is he?
Carrie. Aged 17, 18?
Carrie. I've never met a boy
"Carrie,"
but It's like Cary grant.
Is he dashing?
Carrie is not a boy.
What?
Carrie is a girl.
I don't get it.
I don't really know how I could
make that any clearer.
Oh.
Great.
So typical of you.
Oh!
Great, that was good.
You planned this.
I know you did.
You confused him
into asking a girl out.
I did not!
It's what you do.
It is amazing how a great moment
for our son occurs,
and somehow you think It's some
kind of attack on you!
Maybe you're having trouble
accepting this,
but listen to me now...
Our son is gay.
And shoving him face first
out of the closet
is what you think is best?
That's not what I'm doing.
And I really don't care
what you think is best for him.
I'm sorry.
I just don't, okay?
'Cause I've been here,
here, for 17 years,
day in and day out.
The amount of time
that you've spent with him
adds up to, I don't know,
a celebrity marriage?
So, you know what?
You just don't get to say.
I'm here! I'm here now!
I'm doing my best, and, you
know, IF you keep this up,
Lloyd is going to hate you.
And I wouldn't blame him
one iota.
Yeah, good.
I get it now.
You get to be best buds
with him... fine!
Take him out, get him drunk,
pick up girls,
I don't care, but when the time
comes to pay for shit,
don't come to me
because I'll be here
trying to figure out a way to pay
for college on the east coast.
You could never,
ever, ever do it,
and I know you can't because
you've never been there for me
because you're just
a deadbeat dad!
Sorry, Lloyd.
Well, what are you doin'
out here?
Hey, so, a prom date, huh?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Is she pretty?
Uh, yeah.
Fix that tablecloth!
Where are those chairs going?
Less smiling, more working!
Barbara wolf demands this prom
be perfect!
Hey, dad.
You like it?
You look like a man.
Thank you.
Okay, I got it. I got it.
Okay. Here I am.
So handsome.
What are you doin' here?
I thought I might
cook you dinner.
A little peace offering.
Mom? Dad?
Is there, uh, somethin'
you wanna tell me?
No, I have not forgiven him yet.
Wait, I'm coming down.
Okay, I want a full shot, full shot!
Okay, all right.
Okay. Look at me.
You're so handsome.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Look at you.
Oh, okay. Ready?
Mm.
Three...
Two. One.
There you go.
Have fun, be safe.
Okay, yeah, you too.
Unh-unh, mm.
See you, dad.
Bye.
Good night.
This better be an epic dinner.
Barbecue.
Maggie?
Well, I have no idea
what to expect, but...
You guys look great.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate it.
Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
You look so cute!
I love your dress.
It's so glamorous.
Thank you.
Have fun tonight.
Freeze!
What are you doin', punk?
Give me that.
Give it to me.
Hi, guys. How are you?
Don't you think you're just
a little old for the prom?
Hi.
Hmm.
Look at them.
Come on, let him be.
Let's go.
Why isn't she dancing?
She seems upright.
She's just not right for him.
Let 'em have their fun.
Maybe we can have some fun.
She probably doesn't even
like to dance.
She just seems like that type
who's like,
"ew, I don't wanna get
my dress dirty."
You've gotta quit
bashing Carrie.
Listen to me, I have somebody
better for Lloyd... better!
And he's gonna be here
any minute now,
and It's just gonna be perfect,
and it has to happen
because the scholarship rep
is here!
You gotta be kidding me!
He arranged this date.
He did!
Let him be!
This could all blow up right now
because of her!
It is time to leave him alone.
So let's go. Now!
Excuse me.
You okay?
Yeah, I'll be right back.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Good.
What... no, no, no!
Okay. Okay.
Beautiful dress.
Oh, thank you.
Cool jacket.
Vintage?
Yeah, yeah.
I rock the vintage.
I'm Lloyd's mom.
Oh! I-It's so nice
to finally meet you!
I'm... I'm Carrie.
Oh, I know who you are.
You're the girl tryin' to steal
my son away from me.
I'm kidding.
Oh, my God.
You should see your face.
You were like, "what?"
Yeah.
Pale.
That was...
That was funny.
You're Barbara wolf's
daughter, right?
Yeah.
"I'm Barbara wolf."
She knows everybody.
Did you know Lloyd
used to dress up
in my clothes when he was a kid?
No,
I-I did not know that.
Here's the weird thing...
His favorite dress of mine
was exactly like the dress
you're wearing.
You don't say.
I-I-I didn't know that.
Isn't that a coinkidink?
Um...
Kinda crazy.
A huge coinkidink.
Yeah.
He used to put on these shows
and dance and sing
around the house.
It was adorable.
Well, I'm sure.
I would've loved
to have seen it.
It sounds hilarious.
But lately he's not putting on
shows around the house.
It's just sort of different
at my place.
Uh...
It's really as IF
you came along,
and now he's confused.
Uh, I'm sorry,
Mrs. Cooper,
I-I don't think
I understand.
It's like his whole life,
Lloyd was a vegetarian,
and now suddenly he likes beef.
Well, can't he like vegetables
and beef?
Okay.
We both want what's best
for Lloyd, right?
Well, of course.
Mrs. Cooper,
I think your son
is a wonderful person.
I-I like him a lot.
Okay. So let's do this.
Let's have a girls' secret.
A secret?
Here's what's gonna happen.
Mm-hmm?
You know how some people
go to prom together?
Uh-huh.
Sometimes people take
a cab home.
Okay?
And you gotta be careful
in New York, like, I don't know.
You're...
You're pretty cute,
and New York's pretty hard.
They're gonna... they're gonna
eat you up out there, man.
Come on.
Yeah, you gotta start
working out or somethin'.
I'll be fine.
Hey.
Do you mind IF I talk to Lloyd
for just a second?
Just a second.
Sorry.
What's up?
Um, your mom
was in the bathroom,
and she tried to pay me
to get me to leave.
Are you kidding?
Where is she?
Okay, first of all,
what are you doing here?
There are a lot of parents here.
There are parents here
chaperoning, sure.
There is nobody else here
who is sabotaging their kid's
life like you are mine.
That is not true!
So you didn't just try to pay
Carrie to leave?
I-I'm sorry...
It's okay.
Apologize to her right now,
and go home.
Don't talk to me like that.
I have had it with you!
I am trying to help you!
You are not helping me!
I am...
What are you talking about?
You can't do this on your own.
I have to be here.
No, I can do this on my own.
I'm fine!
Dan, Dan! Hey!
Dan. Who is Dan?
This is my son, Lloyd.
I've heard so much about you.
Nice to meet you.
Dan loves to read,
he's a Pisces,
and he loves "sailor moon."
Wasn't that your favorite show?
I love "sailor moon."
Who's your favorite sailor?
Sailor Mercury.
Dan, I'm sorry.
Uh, you've been tricked
into coming down here.
My mom is insane.
You need to leave.
No! My son is trying to teach me
a lesson about meddling,
but you should stay. Because
this is all about you, right?
No... Do you like
Italian food, Dan?
Yeah, I love Italian fo...
Come here.
Wow.
How was that?
Good. Come here.
Uh
Now, please go home.
You should not be here.
I...
No.
Come on, Carrie, let's go.
Derek, listen.
I am so sorry.
I have been lying to you
this whole time.
My mom submitted me for the
scholarship without my knowledge.
I do not deserve it.
You should give it
to somebody who does.
I'm really sorry.
Wait.
What?
Are you telling me...
You're not gay?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
Honestly, I
why is everybody so intent
on putting a label on me?
I have no idea IF I'm gay
or straight.
I'd never even kissed anybody
until about 30 seconds ago,
okay?
I don't know.
Is that all right?
Good night.
Come on.
Lloyd!
Yes?
You can just kiss
New York goodbye
because I can't pay for it.
I cannot pay for it.
And you just made it completely
clear you don't want my help.
I don't want your help.
No, I really don't.
IF I wanna go to NYU,
I will save up the money
on my own
and I will get myself there.
It's not even about NYU.
I don't care about NYU.
I just wanted to get as far away
from you as I could.
Well, now you all know me.
I'm principal Mackie,
and, uh, well, I'd just like to
welcome all you
Woodbridge students,
uh, to our prom.
And now,
Barbara wolf will announce
the winners of prom court!
I know that there is something
that we have all been
waiting for...
Who our prom king and queen
are tonight!
Here we go.
Oh, my gosh!
My own baby, Carrie wolf,
is prom queen!
Oh, I'm so proud of her!
Carrie wolf and...
Prom king is Lloyd Cooper?
Yeah-ha-ha-hah!
Whoo!
Carrie?
They left.
Son of a mother shh-ackin' son
my mother f-fist in the...
Oh, It's fine.
Our winners.
Oh, It's all...
Yes. Oh, yes.
Barbara wolf Says,
"enjoy your starry,
starry magical night."
Dance, shoo, go everyone, dance!
What, I'm your mother!
I know where you are
at all times!
Let me tie your shoes.
What do you think about
when you...
Are you seeing anyone?
Let me do up that shirt for you.
When was your first kiss?
I love you.
I'm never gonna leave you.
Do you... dust?
Lloyd, are you gay?
You ready?
So ready.
All right.
Hey!
What's she doin' here?
Wow.
You thought I was just gonna let
you go without saying goodbye?
Come here.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
Hey, listen, thank you.
For what?
For being my friend, really.
I wish it happened sooner,
but...
Better late than never, right?
Yeah.
I, um...
I got you something.
Oh!
Yes.
Little going-away present.
I've, um...
I've been saving up.
N-New York City is, like,
super super expensive.
Oh, my gosh.
Are you kidding me?
I can't... I can't take this.
Yes! Yes!
It's yours. And the next time
I find myself in New York City,
you can pay me back by letting
me crash at your place,
for life.
You know I got the scholarship,
right?
W-what? Wait, how?
How did this happen?
Well, apparently, bisexual
or questioning still qualifies.
Derek was super-impressed
that he was honest,
so that clinched the deal.
Doing the right thing paid off,
who knew?
Lloyd
Oh, my God!
I'm so happy for you.
Here, here, here, here,
please. Come on.
No, no, you know what?
Take it, you know?
I-I still want a place
to stay,
and the scholarship
won't cover everything, so...
You are just the best.
You're just the best.
Come here. Mm.
Ah.
All right, get out of here
before I take you with me.
Mm, I wish you would.
You all right?
Yeah.
Are you crying?
Maybe.
What's wrong with a dad bein'
sad his kid's goin' away?
Come here.
You're goin'.
You're gonna fly.
I love you.
I love you, too, dad.
You are gonna kick ass
in that town.
You are just... you are not
gonna believe it.
It's such a cool place.
Can't wait.
You are gonna have the most fun.
I will.
Wait!
I'm right here, mom!
A couple things.
I gotta go or I'm gonna
miss my flight, okay?
I know, I know. Here.
Okay.
Did you pack your I.D.?
Yeah.
Warm clothes?
Yes.
It's winter there, you know.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm good.
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Even all your wildly
inappropriate stories.
Come here.
I love you, mom.
I love you, too.
I love you.
Okay, we're gonna let go, okay?
Okay.
On three, two, one.
Let's do three, two, one, ready?
Three, two, one.
Okay.
Good. Good. Oh.
Oh, I wasn't ready.
Okay, that's okay.
Ready?
Three, two, one.
See? There you go.
I love you, mom.
Okay.
Hey.
Huh?
You don't hate me, huh?
No.
Okay.
He doesn't hate me.
Good.
Keep an eye on her,
all right, Carrie?
Absolutely.
Bye, Lloyd.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay.
Surprise!
Hey!
Hi!
Hi.
Happy Birthday.
My birthday's not for another
six months. You know that.
Yeah, but the security guard
I had to bribe downstairs
does not.
Uh-huh.
Hi.
What are you doing
in New York City?
Well, I had these frequent flyer
Miles I had to use,
so I just thought,
"I'll come see my son!"
You don't have
frequent flyer Miles, though.
No, I don't.
No.
But your dad does.
And, uh, he's downstairs.
Right now?
Yeah.
'Cause, um, we're here together.
Really?
Yeah.
Mom, that's so good to hear.
It's okay, huh?
That's great, yeah!
Okay.
Um, so do you wanna have dinner?
No, yeah, that'd be great.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, of course!
Okay. We made
a reservation and...
Perfect!
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
It's really great in here.
Reservations for how many?
Mom?
Well, I'm just paying attention to you.
I am not hovering.
Okay.
You're always gonna be my baby.
Let's go.
I'm not ready.
H-how can you not be ready?
I'm not ready yet.
H-hover?
You think I hover?
You've always been, like,
hovering over me.
Lloyd.
Lloyd.
Lloyd, Lloyd,
what are you doing?
Do you love your mommy?
Did you wear your seat belt?
Are we here?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hang on, hang on.
Stay there.
I'm comin' to get you!
Can I take
the blindfold off yet?
No!
Get out of the car!
Okay, walk.
There's a curb there. Step back.
All right. Oh. All right.
And... and...
Happy Birthday!
Yeah.
We're gonna have the best day!
Come on!
Look at this! Isn't this
the best place on earth?
Yeah, It's something.
Come on! Oh, tattoos!
Let's get matching tattoos.
Oh, yes, that's just what
I've always wanted.
Really?
No! Not really.
Happy Birthday!
Yeah.
Got it.
All right.
Look here.
You've taken enough pictures
to fill a wedding album.
Will you stop? I have not
taken nearly enough.
It smells like a sku...
Is there a skunk?
A what?
It smells like a skunk.
Come on.
You don't smell that?
It's just weed.
It's nothing...
Oh, God.
There's nothing wrong with it.
What's left after this?
Prom, then graduation,
and then you're gone!
You're gone!
And all I'm gonna have left
are these photos.
Mom...
Photos that I am
gonna flip through
in that dark house alone.
It's just college.
I'm going to college.
IF I get in
and IF I get a scholarship.
I'm not signing up for a tour
of duty in the middle east.
But then you're gonna meet
a nice girl.
Don't you understand?
You're gonna go get married
in Minnesota.
Mom, I think you're getting
a little bit ahead of yourself.
Then kids!
Ah, then kids.
And then you're not gonna
have time for your mom.
Well, IF you're lucky,
I'll turn out to be gay.
We're gonna take some of these.
What are we doing?
Oh, these are great.
Right?
I can't even...
Oh, yeah.
Oh, what the...
Put this on.
This is not...
This is clearly not a man's hat.
This is very good, very good.
I think I look like
lady gaga right now.
This is me. This is so me. Look!
This is... what's this called,
a "selfie"?
Yeah.
And now...
Now what?
It's time to come out.
Come out of... what?
Ooh! Okay, all right,
sorry.
What are you,
too busy playing dress-up
to watch where you're walking...
Sheila? I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
Listen, we were just
kidding around.
We're just hanging out.
It's all right.
Just an accident.
Sorry.
Aw, does your mommy fight
all your battles for ya?
Okay.
Why don't you just leave my son
alone, you big loser?
Okay. All right, mom. Let's go.
Let's just...
Mom, let's... let's go.
Hey, lady...
Get your faggot son
and get outta here
before we make you
get outta here.
Let's... let's do that.
Let's go.
You're right.
We should just go.
Mom!
Yeah. Hit a woman.
That always turns out well.
Uh...
Excuse me!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Oh, my God!
So, you had to slap him.
Oh, my God. Run! Run! Run!
I'm running as fast
as I can, mom!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Gotta go.
Go! Go! Go!
That way! That way!
That way! That way!
Uh... honey, go! Go!
Come here. Come here. This way.
This way. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Okay, okay.
You all right?
Yeah, fine.
I'm fi...
Mom? Mom?
I'm fi... I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Here we go.
You're gonna scare...
Oh, come on, mom.
Look away.
There's nowhere for me to look
that I'm remotely
comfortable with.
All right, miss Cooper.
These are painkillers.
Only take two a day.
Oh, drugs?
I don't know about drugs.
You know, I try to keep my body
in a harmonious, earthy balance.
That's good to hear,
miss Cooper.
Every day I make myself
a green smoothie.
Just all the green stuff
from my... organic garden.
I just take that stuff
and I just throw it in there
like pea pods and broccoli
and kale
and quenoah.
I think that's quinoa.
Mmm.
Quinoa, too.
Eating healthy is important.
Mm-hmm.
You need to make sure you're
balancing it with exercise.
Are you exercising?
Oh, yeah.
I go to the gym so much
that they're like,
"Maggie Cooper, get out!"
I do yoga and pilates
and yogalates.
You know what else I do?
Pole dancing.
I love to pole dance.
I go up and down that pole.
I just love it.
Miss Cooper, you need to take
this seriously, okay?
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
My mother passed away
last year, okay?
Ah.
From a stroke.
She had just a few
anxiety attacks before
for warning signs, okay?
So we need
to take this seriously.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah, all good.
His mother?
I, mm, told you not to.
His damn mother?
I warned you.
Oh, my God. That was awful.
Get the car.
What?
Get the car! Let's go!
All right.
We're out of here.
Give me these.
You know, I think you were winning
him over there at the end.
Ma'am?
Don't call me "ma'am"!
Excuse me!
Always prepared.
What would I do without you?
I don't know.
Aww, you know what?
These pills don't work, though.
They just are...
Okay. Here we go.
You know you're wearing
a hospital gown, right?
Excuse me.
What up, boy?
Hey!
Happy Birthday, dude!
You know, I almost didn't
recognize you
without the dick in your face.
What up, dude?
Later, douche!
That is great.
Happy Birthday!
Oh, thanks, Fitch.
Thanks a lot, man.
Yeah, promise I won't hug you.
She treats me
like I'm 10 years old.
Yeah, dude, this is a bad one.
I know.
But at least she cares.
Yeah, she cares
a little bit too much.
There's another dick in my face.
I give up.
I have a question for you.
How in the world
did you find the time
to plaster those awful
pictures of me all over school?
What pictures?
The one... come on.
Who else was with me
at the dentist?
Nobody.
It was just you.
What happened at the dentist?
They're the pictures of me
when I have the...
The, like, gauze stuffed
in my mouth?
Aren't they great?!
Yeah, no. They're awful.
Come on!
They're embarrassing.
That... did everybody laugh?
At me.
They were laughing at me.
Well, It's kind of fun.
That's like a love thing.
No, it was rough.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It was a lot of that.
On your 17th birthday.
I know.
This should be a great day.
It should be, but it wasn't.
I'm so...
It was... it was hard.
Let's pause for a moment
and remember the day,
for me, the moment
you popped out of my cooch.
Oh, God!
Wish time.
Okay. All right.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
One wish.
Mm-hmm.
And I have to be in it.
You are. Okay.
Yay! Happy Birthday.
Oh, I didn't get it.
I didn't get it!
Can we be done, please?
Done?
It's just...
It's too much, mom.
I love you so much.
Okay, ready?
Happy Birthday. Okay.
Okay.
Okay. All right. Okay, you ready?
Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Three, two, one.
Two, one. Okay.
Okay.
We're still doing that,
but... okay.
Uh, I think you need
to check the printer.
This...
This printed very light.
Will you check on that?
Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
Uh, satisfactory, Fitch.
Story of my life.
And that was beautiful, Lloyd.
Thank you.
Do you write a lot of poetry?
No.
You know,
you should do it more often.
Poetry?
Faggot!
At least he can read
and write, Brad.
Carrie, what do I need
to write for, okay?
Look at me.
I got a body built for success.
And an I.Q. Lower
than room temperature.
Yeah? Well,
that didn't stop Ryan Lochte.
Ew. Really?
Gross, Brad.
Lloyd, did you submit anything
to the fine arts assembly?
No.
Well, now you have.
You're going to read this.
You've gotta share this
with as many people as possible.
The thing is, uh, is... is...
Is Lloyd can't do crowds.
No.
Really, though.
Just think about it.
Okay, guys,
see you all next time.
So, um, you think I could maybe
read some of
your stuff sometime?
I really like poetry.
Uh, no, no.
No, I-it... It's not good.
I don't... I don't like, um,
like showing it to anybody.
Much less reading it out loud.
I ca... I can't.
Well, um...
IF you change your mind,
let me know.
Thanks, Lloyd.
Yeah, sure, drew.
Oh.
Hey.
Thank you.
Are you seeing anyone?
No.
When was your first kiss?
What... what is this?
Do you wanna be kissed?
No.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
I get it. Okay.
I am not here.
Just cleaning.
Just got stuff to do.
What do you think about
when you...
Okay, that's gross.
That is not okay to talk about.
We cannot talk about that, okay?
Got it, okay. Okay.
We don't have to talk about it.
No, we don't.
I'm just gonna ask you, though.
Do you... dust?
I'm not gonna...
I don't wanna talk about...
Masturbate... with you.
Okay. Got it.
I'm not even gonna...
That is cool.
I am totally out.
Dignify that question
with a response.
Okay.
Too loud.
I'm so sorry. I'm... I'm so sorry.
It's...
IF you like boys,
I'm totally into that.
IF I what?
I would support that 100%.
Okay.
In my sophomore year,
I had a thing with a girl.
I know. Mindy.
Mindy!
I know.
You listened! God.
I've heard the story
so many times.
The beautiful thing
about girl-on-girl action,
and boy-on-boy... They know what
they're doing. Okay, okay. No.
There wouldn't be, like,
a minute of, like,
"hey, don't touch that.
That's not a button."
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.
Mom? Mom? Mom?
Can I just do my homework,
please?
With being a little wild
and free in your youth.
I just wanna get to know you
a little bit better.
Okay, then join the PTA
like all the other moms.
Okay! I can do that!
Not really.
God, I love you!
That's a great idea.
No! Mom, no!
Make sure that everybody
is checking...
Hey, ladies! Maggie Cooper.
Sorry I'm late.
As I was saying,
prom will be here sooner
than you can believe!
Clap, clap, clap!
And, of course,
I am keeping track
of your mandatory
volunteer hours.
I'm looking at you, Norma.
You have to build the hours up.
I've noticed that your checklist
has been down.
Oh, for goodness sake,
is that a diaphragm
on our beautiful table?
It's all good.
Just gonna take notes.
I'm looking forward to
everybody's decoration ideas.
I know last year a lot of us
were in a slump,
so I know this year
you are going to wow me,
and I'm very excited.
Now, don't forget
to please make sure
you are on the correct
e-mail lists
for your respective committees.
And IF all of you
haven't signed up
as chair of committees
and roped in every single parent
from every single class,
it will be noted
by Barbara Wolfe.
Excuse me.
Who's Barbara Wolfe?
I am Barbara Wolfe!
Dr. Barbara Sloan
Huntington Wolfe
of the Pasadena
Sloan Huntingtons!
All good.
Namaste.
This meeting is adjourned.
Has Robert completed
his Zimmerman applications?
I hear it is due at the end
of the month.
Yes, and the, uh, Peterson
and the O'Reilly.
Oh! Good for Robert.
Oh, did you
fill out the F.F.E.L.?
Yes, and the I.E.A.P.
and the S.S.I.G.
Oh, my Carrie's
in the same boat.
God help me,
it is like pulling teeth
to get her to
finish these things.
Well, hasn't she taken the sats?
National merit scholar.
Barbara!
That's wonderful.
Oh!
I bet you guys didn't know
that her little Melanie
had to file for fafsa.
No.
Yes.
They aren't doing well?
There's no shame in filing
for financial aid, is there?
No.
No, of course not, sweetheart.
Well, damn.
Excuse me?
Sorry. I forget
where I am sometimes.
Sorry about that.
Maggie Cooper.
How you guys doin'?
Um, I'm Lloyd's mom.
Our kids are frie...
Maybe you...
Your kids are friends
with my son, Lloyd?
What activities does he do?
What activities are there?
Um, clubs, athletics,
extracurriculars...
Student government,
debate, mathletes.
He reads a lot.
Well, then he's probably not
friends with our children.
Well, I'm here to change that!
That's what I'm doing!
I am here to volunteer
for stuff.
I can be on prom committee.
I just wanna be more involved
in his school
before he leaves
for college, you know?
So, uh, sign me up.
Whatcha got?
IF we need something,
I'll let you know.
So what do you guys
wanna do now?
Wanna go get a drink?
Okay, wh-what you're going to do
is show up next week,
on time, sit down quietly,
preferably by the door,
so I can ask you to leave IF
you cause another disturbance.
- Those bitches.
- The nerve.
Just because Lloyd's
a little bookish
doesn't mean their kids are any better.
Exactly.
But it did get me thinking,
though,
what am I gonna do
about Lloyd's financial aid?
Do you know how much college is?
A hundred grand.
I thought it was like 30.
What am I gonna do IF he gets
into an Ivy league school?
You really want him going
some far away from home?
No, I do not.
I gotta get creative.
I gotta think.
There are scholarships
available,
but the competition is fierce.
It's a shame he's not
a minority.
They have tons of
scholarships for minorities.
Latino, African American,
women, amputees,
albinos, pacific islanders.
Ah, I should've married ray!
Ugh!
Ray? Who's ray?
He is a Samoan guy that I dated
in high school.
That dude could bend my legs
over my head.
You are my hero.
Lloyd would be
half pacific islander.
Should've married ray, not Max.
They even have scholarships
for gays.
Really?
You know, I can't figure out
IF Lloyd is gay or straight.
And can you believe he won't
talk to me about it?
Would you have a problem
IF he was?
Are you kidding me?
I'd be thrilled.
Why?
Why?
Because he'd be the only man
who never left me
for another woman.
You know how great
that would be?
He'd be just with me
all the time.
Oh, my God. My gay son and me
going purse shopping.
How great would that be?
I could be walking down
the street,
going to the theater
with my gay son,
like, "what are you doing?"
"Oh, just going to the theater!
"This is my gay son.
He's taking me to the theater!
He's taking me to the opera! I'm
going to the opera with my gay son!"
Just walkin'... I didn't even
know you liked the opera.
I have never been to the opera,
and I would hate it,
but I would be there
with my gay son.
And that would be so great.
My son's not gay.
He doesn't like Pesto.
Yeah, he's so not gay.
Relax, man,
you're making me nervous.
She's nowhere in sight.
Yeah, not yet.
Lloyd, are you ready?
Um, I'm really nervous.
Well, I'm very proud of you
for doing this.
Let's give them another round
of applause.
Wasn't that amazing?
Who knew we had so much talent
at this school?
Next up, you know them well...
It's the girls' dance squad.
Just take a breath,
You'll be fine.
Your poem is beautiful.
You got this.
Oh, okay.
Deep breaths.
Okay, um, next up
we've got a poem
from Mrs. Moore's English class.
You'll be fine.
I can't.
Come on!
Come out here.
- Douche bag, come out!
- He'll be fine.
Hey, kid, come on.
He's coming.
Sometime today.
Seriously.
Oh!
Sorry! Love you!
Just go up to the mic
right there.
Hey, pretty boy!
Okay, okay.
Hey, junior.
- What is he doing?
- Come on, Lloyd.
Spit it out! Come on, Shakespeare.
Show us what you got!
Get off the stage, queer!
Mom?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Now It's a talent show.
Go ahead. Just take a breath.
Take a breath.
Just hold up. Just don't go anywhere.
Oh, my God. Look at her gold shoes!
Everyone, shut up.
My son is going to read a poem.
Go ahead, Lloyd.
Did your mom bring your bottle?!
Who is that?
Who's that? Hmm?
Oh. Oh, yeah, It's you.
Yeah, well, you are ruining it
for everyone, okay?
Stand up, show yourself.
Let's see you.
Yeah, you think It's okay
to call people names,
you little turd?
You think It's okay
to call people...
Gay?
His poetry is beautiful.
It's not what you people
are writing...
Unicorns and boners.
Go to the principal's office.
The principal's office?
You don't even work here.
I can handle this,
Mrs. Cooper!
So It's only the teachers who
can give orders around here?
Actually, yes.
That's true.
Oh, uh, okay, Oh, please.
As IF you'd treat Barbara wolf
like this.
Barbara wolf would be like,
"Oh, I'm gonna talk."
Barbara wolf would not be
on stage right now.
Security!
We don't know that for sure.
I wanna say something about poetry.
Hey!
Excuse me?
What are you doing?!
Bravo!
Um...
Now, bailing your mother
out of jail, that's a first.
Used to be the other way around.
Yeah, 17 times.
17 times, what?
Uh, the number of times mom
has bailed you out of jail.
That many times?
Yeah. That I know of.
I was convicted once.
Public nuisance.
I mean, really.
I'm a rock star.
That was a long, long,
long time ago, Max.
I still tour.
Indian casinos.
Things change.
Oh, I know. I went to my first
PTA meeting last week.
All right.
That's pretty funny.
Am I, uh...
Comin' in?
No jail jokes.
I was just about...
Oh, yeah, I saw you forming it!
Don't even!
So I was thinking, like,
blond streak, black streak,
blond streak, black streak.
What?
You loved it.
Mm.
It was hot.
Doesn't matter. It's my look.
I'm gonna rock it hard.
I might even do it tonight.
I'm gonna do it
with my mustache bleach.
Okay. Mm. All right.
I'm gonna go to bed.
You guys try not to get arrested
while I'm gone, okay?
Yes, dad.
Ha ha.
I was just gonna say...
We gotta talk about Lloyd.
Why? He's a great kid.
He is a great kid.
I don't know how it happened,
but...
And...
Our son's gay.
My son... gay?
Our son.
Yeah, okay.
Our son, gay?
I don't get the gay vibe
at all from him.
Well, see, I think that is
exactly what the problem is.
I think that he doesn't want
to come out
to his super-hetero dad
'cause he'll disappoint you.
I wouldn't...
I wouldn't be disappointed.
Are you sure about that?
Yeah, no,
I just don't think he is.
You gotta trust a mom
on this one, okay?
Whatever you say.
Okay. Talk to him.
Tell him you're okay with it.
For 10 years you've been saying,
"I don't want you
to talk to him.
You're a bad influence."
10 years, at least!
Now you want me to talk to him?
Things change, okay?
Okay. Okay.
Now shoo. Go, go, please.
Faster.
Maggie?
Come here, please.
Right there?
Yes.
Please.
You know, I'm sorry
that I missed your scene
at the arts festival
the other day.
Oh, you heard about me.
Stop right there.
That's fine.
Unfortunately, I did.
It seems that you mentioned me
to Mrs. Moore?
I get worked up sometimes.
Sorry.
That is in the past,
it is behind me,
and I'm just turning over
a new leaf,
and let's just move on
and do the prom stuff, okay?
Mrs. Moore told me that your son
seems sensitive.
Yes, he is. Sensitive.
Mm, sensitive-looking.
Is that code?
It seems that this might be
a wonderful time for your son,
who's very sensitive,
to start maybe his own club.
Maybe a sensitive boys' club.
Or a gay club!
A gay club.
What would they do there?
Needlepoint.
Choreography.
Poetry?
Anything that a seamstress
would do.
I mean, sure. Why not?
'Cause all the best fashion
designers are gay men,
so I would love that.
He could be Marc Jacobs or the
next Michael Kors. That's true.
He could be
on "project runway" going,
"hi, guys."
I would love it.
I guess because
I'm a single mom, my son and I,
we hang out a lot
and we just have a really close
relationship which is...
Maybe It's just the way it is
with gay sons,
and we're probably
just gonna have, like, a...
Just a great life,
go off on cruises,
and I'm sure
he'll take me to Paris,
and I-I'll tell you
something else, too...
I bet I'll be
the best dressed mom
in the assisted-living facility
in South beach.
He'll just park me there.
It'll be great.
Should we talk about the prom,
maybe?
Yes.
Yeah.
Barbara wolf always feels like
people who are sensitive
maybe should have
their own sensitive prom.
Perhaps your son should have
his own gay prom.
It could be rainbow themed!
Or sparkles.
Oh! I love sparkles.
These girls have great ideas
for gays.
My son's coming to this prom.
He's gonna be at this prom.
IF he has a date.
He's coming to this prom.
It's all good.
Well, Maggie, good luck
with your gay son
who's going to take you
to Paris.
In the meantime,
maybe he should talk to you
about your hair.
It's so nice.
Well, thank you.
I wasn't complimenting you.
Girls?
Ouch!
Wow!
Okay.
What is up with that?
Unbelievable.
They're out for me, right?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Oh, Barbara wolf
finally gave me a job.
I get to clean up
after the meeting.
Hey, I'll see you back
at your house, right?
Yes, please.
Bring booze.
And a tranquilizer dart.
"My name is Barbara wolf.
"President of the world
and the PTA.
"My name is Barbara wolf.
"I do not have any veins
in my body.
"My cooch is an icicle.
"My name is Barbara wolf.
I am Barbara wolf."
Ahh!
Barbara?
Congratulations.
I mean, I really wish
you would've told me yourself,
seriously, but congrats.
What are you talking about?
Your scholarship application.
They posted the finalists
this morning.
What application?
"What application?"
Yeah.
Come on, you big queen!
You don't have to hide in
the closet anymore. What?
That's the point, right?
I'm pretty confused by
your whole... your whole thing.
I don't...
Y-you can't keep
playing it coy, man.
I don't know what this...
What are you talking about?
They posted it.
Posted what?
God, she's trying to get me
killed. Oh, my God.
What?
There he is!
Lloyd, come on up here!
What?
Come on!
I-I think they want you
to be in...
In prom court!
Let's look at you.
No, no, no, no, no.
You look great. This is great.
Help! No!
It's 2014!
Being gay is cool now!
I am so proud to welcome
our very first
openly gay candidate, Lloyd...
What's your last name?
Uh, c-c-Cooper.
Lloyd Cooper!
Hi.
Hey.
How was your day?
Seriously, mom?
What?
Don't play innocent.
I don't know what you mean.
Prom courts?
Mom, most of the people
at this school,
they don't even know who I am.
They do now.
Also, thanks for telling
the whole school I'm gay.
Well, I just figured.
Come on, you and Fitch.
Me and f...
What?! Fitch?!
He's your only friend.
So we're gay?
Yeah?
I don't have a boyfriend.
I don't have a girlfriend.
All I have is this
crazy mom.
That's all I have.
All right, next?
Hey.
Yes, you, Lloyd.
Oh, come here.
Fix that.
There you go.
Thanks.
Having fun?
No, not really.
This isn't really my thing.
Yeah.
It's a shit show.
Excuse me?
Oh, I mean, come on.
Prom court, winter formal court,
Sadie's, morp...
It's all the same
boring pageant.
You're not like the other girls,
IF I'm not mistaken.
No.
I can't wait for this one
to be done.
Then finally my crazy mom
might calm down.
I know what you mean there.
My mom had a full-on
anxiety attack,
wouldn't admit it.
My mom hates your mom.
I can't say I blame her
for that.
My mom has what I like to call
a "polarizing" personality,
which really is just a nice way
of saying she's
probably bipolar.
Oh.
It's not funny.
No, no, of course not.
But IF it makes you feel
any better...
Anyone who manages to piss off
my mom is good in my book.
All right.
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
should we get this over with?
Yes, please.
Try not to take this all
so seriously.
I'll try.
And don't be afraid to say hi
to me on campus.
We're friends now.
Come on.
Great.
Try to look like
you're enjoying yourselves.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
You asked me to talk to him.
I like the red!
Right?
I look great, right?
I like it.
What are you doing?
Get...
Wow!
Okay, all ri...
Okay. Oh, don't...
Why not?
Okay, that's good.
That is so good.
Yeah, it is so...
So soft.
Oh, my God.
Okay, all right. Come here,
I'm gonna show you something.
Cut it out!
Ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
This!
It's a nice picture.
Yeah.
Now I need some hobbies so...
So he doesn't seem like
such a nerd.
Like reading and TV,
what else does he...
What are you doing?
I'm creating a profile so he
doesn't go to prom alone.
You're creating a fake profile
to procure young men online
for Lloyd?
Kinda, yeah.
What... have you seen
"to catch a predator"?
It's not a fake profile
IF you know the person.
I'm just gonna go through
the best ones
and just pick some guys
that could go...
Okay, don't tell him.
It just seems wrong.
Hey, It's not that wrong.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
- Knock knock!
- Yeah?
Had dinner?
Yeah.
Perfect.
Let's go out
for after-dinner drinks.
You know I'm 17, right?
IF my son's nearly old enough
to be shipped off to war,
he can have a drink
with his dad.
Come on, let's go.
I know a place.
Ah, Christy.
Good evening.
Whiskey for me...
And one for Lloyd.
Ooh.
We gonna do shots?
Yeah.
You know I don't drink, right?
Well, now you will.
Be a naughty boy tonight.
Yeah, this is, uh... this is
the first one, actually.
This is your first drink?
Yep.
Well, there's always
gotta be a first.
Sure.
Bottoms up, cowboys!
All right.
Thank you, cowgirl.
All right.
Mmm!
Ahh.
That's a good start.
Whoo!
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
You drank the whole thing?
Come on!
Okay. All right, okay.
All right.
We are not leaving this bar
until you are nice and drunk.
Whoo!
Another one for me.
You're going for another?
Oh, my God!
And we are gonna talk...
And drink,
and you are gonna love it,
God damn it.
Be right back.
All right.
Um...
Uh, excuse me, miss?
You can call me Christy,
darlin'.
Okay, uh, Christy,
when you poor our shots,
can you water mine down?
Aw, okay.
Like, maybe all water?
Okay, honey.
Please?
Thank you.
So...
So...
Give dad the 411.
Nobody Says 411 anymore, dad,
unless they're on
Disney channel.
All right, current events.
Fill me in.
Love, life,
pursuit of happiness.
Well, steady as she goes,
I guess.
That's it?
That's all you're giving me?
Come on
you can talk about anything!
You can talk about, you know...
School, friends, graduation,
love life...
Boyfriends.
God, you too?
Did mom put you up to this
or something?
No.
Absolutely no.
Good.
But, IF you're uncomfortable...
No, It's n... I'm not...
No, really, you don't have
to talk about it.
I'm not uncomfortable
talking about it,
I just... I hate everybody
trying to put a label on me.
Can I just be undeclared?
Just you and me.
Just... nothing you say
will ever be repeated.
You do have a question.
Uh...
Spit 'em.
How did you know
you were straight?
Well, that's a good question.
I guess I just knew.
Did you ever experiment
or anything?
Guys hit on me all the time.
I mean, for years.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, I... you know,
I kissed a guy once,
and he followed me into the bathroom.
Really?
I mean, I don't know,
but nothing really happened,
you know?
Nothing really...
But enough to know
you don't like it.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
I guess I just wasn't
really attracted to guys.
Can I ask you
a personal question?
What gives you a boner?
Dad, I'm 17.
Everything gives me a boner.
A slight change in the weather
gives me a boner.
Calculus gives me a boner.
I'm not kidding!
You are my son after all.
Not really, not quite, no.
Yes, you are! Yes!
I'm... I'm a virgin.
Yeah.
Well, I knew that.
I sort of guessed that.
Never even been kissed...
Boy or girl.
No.
Nothin'.
Oh, my God.
By your age, I mean, Jesus.
Maybe I'm just young
and idealistic,
but I-I think it should mean...
Something.
I mean, I th... there's maybe
three people I can think of
that I would even contemplate
sleeping with
who are ni... nice people,
attractive physically,
and, yeah, one of them
happens to be a guy,
but that doesn't mean I'm ready
to jump into bed with him
right away.
I don't kno... I don't know!
I don't know.
All right. Cool.
You're fine.
Just relax, take your time.
You'll figure it out.
No matter what you do or say,
you're not gonna change
my feelings about you.
And I've done some bad,
terrible,
irresponsible things in my life,
and I-I'm not in a position
to judge anyone else,
least of all my son...
Of who I am very, very proud,
by the way.
Thanks, dad.
That's... really good to hear.
Yes! Mom!
I'm in here!
Mom, mom, mom, come here!
Yahoo!
Look!
Look, look, look, look!
What are you doing?
Look, look, look!
It's here!
What is that?
Read it.
Right?
My God!
Yeah, you did!
We have a good chance
at the scholarship, right?
Of course. Yes. Yeah, We'll make it work.
Yes. Oh, God!
Oh, I'm so proud of you!
Oh, I need to get
you some luggage!
I love you! I love you.
All right?
I love you, too.
Oh, I love you so much!
I love you so much! I'm so proud!
Yeah!
So proud!
So that's it.
That's his college,
and you gotta trust me,
and you can't get weird.
Just go with what I do.
It's gonna be fun!
Is there booze in here?
Hi! Welcome to tin horn flats.
How many?
Oh, table for four, please.
You got it.
Three.
Right this way.
We're actually four.
What? No. Who?
What? Who's the fourth?
Just... nothin'.
We have four people tonight.
Maggie...
Who's the fourth?
Just a friend.
Who?
They stack onion rings here.
Hey.
Hi.
Aww, my future
east coast resident.
- Howdy.
- Hi.
Hi. Would you like me
to wait for your whole party
to arrive
before I take your order?
Well, why don't we just get
some onion rings?
The big tall stack of them,
and, um, could you
get me a Margarita?
A, just... do you have,
uh, two sizes?
Yeah.
Okay, I'll have the venti.
The large.
Yeah. Thank you.
Got it, right away.
Is there someone else coming?
Just a friend
is coming to join us.
Yeah, and I just wanna say
that I didn't have anything
to do
with orchestrating the events
that are about to occur.
I just came here to celebrate
you getting into NYU.
Maggie, hello, darling.
You must be dad.
And this must be Lloyd.
Hello.
Yeah, hi.
Parker.
Lovely to meet you.
Hi, Parker.
Do you wanna ask, um, Parker
about, uh,
where he goes to school
or, um, who cuts his hair?
Well, I go to fidm,
and I get my hair cut
at chop chop salon.
What about you?
Um...
I cut his hair.
Oh!
That's nice.
On Friday, he did his own bangs.
All right. Um, well,
I think I'm just gonna head over
to the restroom
and wash my hands
before we have dinner.
But you're coming back, right?
Sure, mm-hmm.
Is this some kind
of fix-up date?
No, it is just
a gathering of friends.
That's it.
No. I'm out of here.
No!
You can make up whatever
excuse you want,
I'm leaving.
I'll see you later, dad.
Lloyd, please, just a second!
Lloyd, scholarship, please!
The scholarship.
Just come here.
Just come here.
The scholarship rep
is going to ask you questions
about your gay experience.
I mean, do you even
have any gay friends?
You've got to know something
about the gay lifestyle.
Parker, I'm sure, is filled
with lots of insights.
Please, will you sit, please?
Just sit down.
All right.
How bad could it get, right?
I have no idea what came over
Mitchell the other day.
I mean, It's not like
we're even seriously dating.
It's not my fault he likes to
buy me expensive things, okay?
I mean, I feel like
I'm a pretty chill guy.
So then I just said
to myself, "Parker,
"what are you so afraid of?
"Guys are such drama queens.
Take a deep breath,"
and I just said,
"chop it all off.
Just chop this nappy weave
right off my head."
I'm really easygoing.
I'm all about
the low-maintenance, you know?
Yeah, you se... you seem
very low-maintenance.
That is so cute
how awkward he is!
Aw!
IF you need any support
or advice, I'm here for you.
I'm into really masculine guys,
like, really manly guys.
Really manly guys.
Like, IF I wanted to date
a girl, I would.
Every once in a while,
I find myself attracted
to somebody a little bit
more... androgynous.
Oh, Jesus!
Dad!
My God!
Really?
I don't know.
I- he better go
to the bathroom.
Yeah.
I'll help him.
Geez.
Oh, my God, I had no idea
how else to get you out
of that thing.
You could've just asked me
to excuse myself.
Well, okay, maybe that would've
been a good idea back then,
but I didn't do that.
So there. Here.
Thanks.
"Hi, Parker." "Who are you?"
"I'm Parker."
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
I feel dumber for having sat
through that whole thing.
My God, she's insane!
This is beautiful.
Maybe I should take it.
Come on, be serious.
What are we gonna do?
You wanna get out of here?
Yeah! But IF we tried anything,
she'd handcuff us to the booth.
Just how desperately do you
wanna get out of here?
What's going on?
Are you choking?
Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
Need the Heimlich?
He can speak! What? The burger?
Pineapple!
So?
Pineapple?
He's allergic to pineapple!
He's not allergic to pineapple!
I better take him
to the hospital.
Oh, man. I'll rush him
to the hospital.
Right.
This is bad!
I'll call you.
Oh, my God!
Thanks for getting me
out of that.
Don't kid yourself,
you owe me $2.50.
Wh... for getting me
out of the date?
And interest. You were
eyeing the steak knife.
Yeah, I know.
I just...
I thought she knew me better
than that.
Wrong again.
Hey you!
Hey!
Fancy seeing you here.
Hey, uh, Carrie,
this is my dad, Max.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Damn, you got a hot dad, Lloyd.
That's...
Not weird at all.
I just mean I can see where
you get your good looks from.
Ah.
The girls and I were just
headed to the bar.
Why?
Peggy knows the bartender.
We were gonna flirt with him,
try to get some free drinks.
Does that really work?
Lloyd.
Come on!
A group of pretty girls?
It's not that hard.
Oh, all right.
Do you wanna come with us?
No, I'm actually...
I'm gonna hang out
with my dad tonight.
Oh, okay. Well, uh,
IF you wanna join,
We'll be over there
getting drunk,
so stop by, maybe?
Maybe.
Okay. Think about it.
All right.
Bye, Lloyd.
Nice to meet you, dad.
Nice to meet you.
Bye, Carrie.
He's really cute.
You sure?
Yeah, It's fine.
I'll see her at school.
She's hot.
Dad, come on.
What?
It's a little creepy.
Not... It's not about me,
It's all about you.
Eyes only for you.
Oh, come on.
Yeah.
No!
The way she looked at you,
she touched you.
Okay, so?
No, a-a casual touch by a girl
is never by accident.
You're crazy.
I am not crazy.
You think I don't know girls?
I'm pretty good with the girls.
Are you trying
to straighten me out?
No.
I'm just, maybe, helping you
become a more complete version
of yourself.
Can we get out of here?
Yeah.
You wanna go home?
No! I don't wanna go home,
anywhere but home.
Wow.
I love coming back here, son.
Mm.
It's been a long time.
Used to smoke weed back there
in between periods.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I'll ditch class sometimes.
I'll sit at the bench
by the soccer fields.
You ditch class?
Yeah.
I read, but, yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, wow, this is where
your mother would eat lunch
with her friends every day.
Huh.
That, right there, is the tree
you sit under IF you wanna get
pooped on by squirrels.
Well, that's kinda
what it was like,
uh, romancing your mother.
What's the meanest thing
you ever did in high school?
Isn't everybody a jerk
in high school?
Being mean, it somehow equates
with being cool.
Everybody's so lost and stupid.
You think we would've been
friends in high school?
You and me?
Yeah. Be honest.
Probably not, huh?
Yeah, I don't think so, either.
Well, I was just such a jerk,
you know?
I wouldn't even have deserved
to be your friend.
It's okay.
I'm not offended that you
wouldn't have been
my hypothetical friend.
Don't make a joke about it.
I'm serious.
You're a much better person
than I was in high school.
You're more thoughtful.
You're more mature.
Hell, you're a better person
than I am as an adult.
And you really ought to
stop being self-deprecating.
You just use it as armor.
I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to get you all worked up.
You know...
Could you do me a favor?
The next time somebody
opens up to you,
don't think about
their intentions...
Or where it may be going
or how it might end.
Even though you might
be embarrassed by it,
just put yourself out there.
You know, you really are
a person worth knowing.
You really are.
Mm.
Yeah.
He's not here yet, huh?
What?
How did you find me?
What? I'm your mother. I know
where you are at all times.
I'd love to tell you to leave,
but I know that you won't,
so, please, just stay quiet,
okay?
Don't get involved.
Please?
Yes, I will.
Thank you.
Okay. Don't forget
you're in the choir,
and you're a huge, essential
part of this entire high school.
And IF there's a hell,
I'll be going there for this.
Listen to me.
Huh?
You're in the homestretch, okay?
Your grades got you here.
You just have to convince Derek
of your exemplary character.
Yes, yes. I do.
I have to convince him.
Yes.
Not we, me.
Okay. All right.
Okay.
So then have you thought about
what you're gonna say
about your experiences
as a gay man?
Lloyd?
Yes!
Yes. Uh, thank you, ma'am,
that's all the help I'll need.
Don't call me ma'am.
Hi.
Hi, I'm Derek
from the point foundation.
Hi, It's nice to meet you.
So, what is it like growing up
out and gay in Venice?
Uh, sorry, what?
How do kids here treat you
when they know you're gay
and open about it?
Um...
Well, I don... I don't know
IF It's just that I'm,
um, a shy personality
or IF It's this
defense mechanism
but, uh, I've survived school
by not putting myself
in uncomfortable situations.
Um, It's... It's only
been recently that I've,
uh, really let people
get to know me,
you know, p-put myself
out there to be judged.
Um, It's scary, you know,
It's really scary, but, uh,
I've been really surprised
by the inherent kindness
in people.
That's wonderful.
To see a young person
who knows who they are
and can speak proudly about it.
That's exactly the type
of person
our scholarship is seeking out.
All that's left is a visit
to your administrators,
just to learn about
your leadership skills,
and we'd like to get an idea
of what your fellow students
think of you.
My... my fellow students?
I shouldn't be telling you this,
but you're looking pretty good
for the scholarship.
That's great.
Thank you.
So, what upcoming events
are there?
Well, um...
I suppose...
Prom!
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Lloyd's mom.
Oh!
I'm Maggie.
No, don't come around!
Oh, she's coming around.
Hi, there.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, let's just hug it out.
Am I wrong?
Here's the thing.
Lloyd is too shy to tell you,
but he has been nominated
as prom king.
And I think he's gonna win.
I-It's all set then, Lloyd.
I'll see you at prom.
All right.
Okay.
Lloyd's mom?
Yes.
It was nice to meet you.
You too.
You should be very proud
of your son.
Thank you.
You did it!
Shh! Shh!
We're good!
This is a library.
Okay, okay, sorry.
Oh, but you were perfect.
You spoke from the heart.
Okay, thank you, thank you.
Now please leave.
It was... okay.
I'm gonna call your dad,
even though I hate him.
Okay, fine.
Thank you. Bye!
Bye, I love you. Bye!
Bye.
Bye.
I refuse to do
our science homework.
I know.
Whoa, hey!
I saw you with him!
Okay, I-I don't know...
You got the wrong guy.
Don't lie to me, you whore!
What?
I was his first, you skanky bitch!
Whose first?
Parker's!
Oh, Parker?
You are nothing compared
to my love for Parker!
That self-important
narcissist?
Wait, what's going on?
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
Break it up!
He's trying to take my man!
He doesn't go to this school!
Hey!
You're not even a real cop!
Come on with me.
Leave him alone!
Stop it!
Leave me alone!
Ooh, you're strong.
Oh, you're...
Are you all right?
Y-yeah, are you?
Yeah, I'm f... I'm fine.
Let's... let's go. Come on.
How do you even know that guy?
I don't know him.
Really?
Never met him before.
No!
Not a scorned lover?
No, no.
Well, I don't...
Oh.
What?
You've got a little...
It's like...
Where? Is it
all right, there you go.
You're good.
It's a little ticklish.
Yeah.
Uh, Oh, here, ready?
Just... you got a little...
Just, um...
What? Just...
Just... yeah.
How's that?
That... that's...
Yeah?
Yeah.
I've got, like, rocker-hair
goin' on right now, right?
Lloyd Cooper, whoo!
Yeah, that's you.
No. Not me.
So, you ready for prom?
No, not in the least.
Me neither.
You're, uh,
goin' with Josh? Right?
Why does everyone assume that?
I mean, just because
I'm a cheerleader
and he's the quarterback,
and, I don't know, we've slept
together 200,000 times
doesn't make it
a foregone conclusion.
Right. Ah. My bad.
Nah, I'm goin' stag this year.
Yeah?
Yeah. The guys at this school
are so dumb.
And as an added bonus,
it'll piss off my mom.
Mm.
Yeah,
I-I'm going by myself, too.
What? Why?
Boys are lining up
to go with you.
I'll see you later.
Uh, Carrie?
Uh, you, uh...
You wouldn't at all
be interested in maybe
going to prom with me?
Uh, really?
Yeah! Uh, why not?
I thought you liked boys.
Uh, I'm asking you
because
I... want to go with you.
I en-enjoy, um,
spending time with you.
I... I... you make me laugh,
easily and often.
When you talk in class,
I actually enjoy hearing
what you have to say,
as opposed to normally when I
just wanna gouge my eyes out.
Well...
That just made my day.
And?
Let's do this, it'll be fun.
Really?
Really.
Yes.
Dude.
What was that?
Nothin', it was fine.
She just kissed you
on the cheek?!
Yeah!
What?!
Yeah!
Yeah, dude!
Okay. Wa-hoo-hoo!
Someone's got a date!
Someone's got a date!
What, do you take all nine
of these mustards
and put them together
and eat it?
There's nothing in here!
There's yogurt.
Mmm!
You're not actually gonna drink
that concoction, are you?
Yeah, I am.
And so are you.
Because you are gonna
get into better shape,
aging rock star.
What is wrong with me, right?
Nothing.
Hello, parental units!
Hey!
Hey.
Tons of yogurt in there?
Try it.
Well, he looks happy
for a change.
Yeah, maybe It's 'cause he has
a date to the prom.
I would know
IF he had a date to the prom.
Maybe you wouldn't.
What?
He has a date to the prom?
He got a date for the prom.
How do you know that?
I guess he told me.
Have you met the guy?
What's his name?
How old is he? Who is he?
Carrie. Aged 17, 18?
Carrie. I've never met a boy
"Carrie,"
but It's like Cary grant.
Is he dashing?
Carrie is not a boy.
What?
Carrie is a girl.
I don't get it.
I don't really know how I could
make that any clearer.
Oh.
Great.
So typical of you.
Oh!
Great, that was good.
You planned this.
I know you did.
You confused him
into asking a girl out.
I did not!
It's what you do.
It is amazing how a great moment
for our son occurs,
and somehow you think It's some
kind of attack on you!
Maybe you're having trouble
accepting this,
but listen to me now...
Our son is gay.
And shoving him face first
out of the closet
is what you think is best?
That's not what I'm doing.
And I really don't care
what you think is best for him.
I'm sorry.
I just don't, okay?
'Cause I've been here,
here, for 17 years,
day in and day out.
The amount of time
that you've spent with him
adds up to, I don't know,
a celebrity marriage?
So, you know what?
You just don't get to say.
I'm here! I'm here now!
I'm doing my best, and, you
know, IF you keep this up,
Lloyd is going to hate you.
And I wouldn't blame him
one iota.
Yeah, good.
I get it now.
You get to be best buds
with him... fine!
Take him out, get him drunk,
pick up girls,
I don't care, but when the time
comes to pay for shit,
don't come to me
because I'll be here
trying to figure out a way to pay
for college on the east coast.
You could never,
ever, ever do it,
and I know you can't because
you've never been there for me
because you're just
a deadbeat dad!
Sorry, Lloyd.
Well, what are you doin'
out here?
Hey, so, a prom date, huh?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Is she pretty?
Uh, yeah.
Fix that tablecloth!
Where are those chairs going?
Less smiling, more working!
Barbara wolf demands this prom
be perfect!
Hey, dad.
You like it?
You look like a man.
Thank you.
Okay, I got it. I got it.
Okay. Here I am.
So handsome.
What are you doin' here?
I thought I might
cook you dinner.
A little peace offering.
Mom? Dad?
Is there, uh, somethin'
you wanna tell me?
No, I have not forgiven him yet.
Wait, I'm coming down.
Okay, I want a full shot, full shot!
Okay, all right.
Okay. Look at me.
You're so handsome.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Look at you.
Oh, okay. Ready?
Mm.
Three...
Two. One.
There you go.
Have fun, be safe.
Okay, yeah, you too.
Unh-unh, mm.
See you, dad.
Bye.
Good night.
This better be an epic dinner.
Barbecue.
Maggie?
Well, I have no idea
what to expect, but...
You guys look great.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate it.
Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
You look so cute!
I love your dress.
It's so glamorous.
Thank you.
Have fun tonight.
Freeze!
What are you doin', punk?
Give me that.
Give it to me.
Hi, guys. How are you?
Don't you think you're just
a little old for the prom?
Hi.
Hmm.
Look at them.
Come on, let him be.
Let's go.
Why isn't she dancing?
She seems upright.
She's just not right for him.
Let 'em have their fun.
Maybe we can have some fun.
She probably doesn't even
like to dance.
She just seems like that type
who's like,
"ew, I don't wanna get
my dress dirty."
You've gotta quit
bashing Carrie.
Listen to me, I have somebody
better for Lloyd... better!
And he's gonna be here
any minute now,
and It's just gonna be perfect,
and it has to happen
because the scholarship rep
is here!
You gotta be kidding me!
He arranged this date.
He did!
Let him be!
This could all blow up right now
because of her!
It is time to leave him alone.
So let's go. Now!
Excuse me.
You okay?
Yeah, I'll be right back.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Good.
What... no, no, no!
Okay. Okay.
Beautiful dress.
Oh, thank you.
Cool jacket.
Vintage?
Yeah, yeah.
I rock the vintage.
I'm Lloyd's mom.
Oh! I-It's so nice
to finally meet you!
I'm... I'm Carrie.
Oh, I know who you are.
You're the girl tryin' to steal
my son away from me.
I'm kidding.
Oh, my God.
You should see your face.
You were like, "what?"
Yeah.
Pale.
That was...
That was funny.
You're Barbara wolf's
daughter, right?
Yeah.
"I'm Barbara wolf."
She knows everybody.
Did you know Lloyd
used to dress up
in my clothes when he was a kid?
No,
I-I did not know that.
Here's the weird thing...
His favorite dress of mine
was exactly like the dress
you're wearing.
You don't say.
I-I-I didn't know that.
Isn't that a coinkidink?
Um...
Kinda crazy.
A huge coinkidink.
Yeah.
He used to put on these shows
and dance and sing
around the house.
It was adorable.
Well, I'm sure.
I would've loved
to have seen it.
It sounds hilarious.
But lately he's not putting on
shows around the house.
It's just sort of different
at my place.
Uh...
It's really as IF
you came along,
and now he's confused.
Uh, I'm sorry,
Mrs. Cooper,
I-I don't think
I understand.
It's like his whole life,
Lloyd was a vegetarian,
and now suddenly he likes beef.
Well, can't he like vegetables
and beef?
Okay.
We both want what's best
for Lloyd, right?
Well, of course.
Mrs. Cooper,
I think your son
is a wonderful person.
I-I like him a lot.
Okay. So let's do this.
Let's have a girls' secret.
A secret?
Here's what's gonna happen.
Mm-hmm?
You know how some people
go to prom together?
Uh-huh.
Sometimes people take
a cab home.
Okay?
And you gotta be careful
in New York, like, I don't know.
You're...
You're pretty cute,
and New York's pretty hard.
They're gonna... they're gonna
eat you up out there, man.
Come on.
Yeah, you gotta start
working out or somethin'.
I'll be fine.
Hey.
Do you mind IF I talk to Lloyd
for just a second?
Just a second.
Sorry.
What's up?
Um, your mom
was in the bathroom,
and she tried to pay me
to get me to leave.
Are you kidding?
Where is she?
Okay, first of all,
what are you doing here?
There are a lot of parents here.
There are parents here
chaperoning, sure.
There is nobody else here
who is sabotaging their kid's
life like you are mine.
That is not true!
So you didn't just try to pay
Carrie to leave?
I-I'm sorry...
It's okay.
Apologize to her right now,
and go home.
Don't talk to me like that.
I have had it with you!
I am trying to help you!
You are not helping me!
I am...
What are you talking about?
You can't do this on your own.
I have to be here.
No, I can do this on my own.
I'm fine!
Dan, Dan! Hey!
Dan. Who is Dan?
This is my son, Lloyd.
I've heard so much about you.
Nice to meet you.
Dan loves to read,
he's a Pisces,
and he loves "sailor moon."
Wasn't that your favorite show?
I love "sailor moon."
Who's your favorite sailor?
Sailor Mercury.
Dan, I'm sorry.
Uh, you've been tricked
into coming down here.
My mom is insane.
You need to leave.
No! My son is trying to teach me
a lesson about meddling,
but you should stay. Because
this is all about you, right?
No... Do you like
Italian food, Dan?
Yeah, I love Italian fo...
Come here.
Wow.
How was that?
Good. Come here.
Uh
Now, please go home.
You should not be here.
I...
No.
Come on, Carrie, let's go.
Derek, listen.
I am so sorry.
I have been lying to you
this whole time.
My mom submitted me for the
scholarship without my knowledge.
I do not deserve it.
You should give it
to somebody who does.
I'm really sorry.
Wait.
What?
Are you telling me...
You're not gay?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
Honestly, I
why is everybody so intent
on putting a label on me?
I have no idea IF I'm gay
or straight.
I'd never even kissed anybody
until about 30 seconds ago,
okay?
I don't know.
Is that all right?
Good night.
Come on.
Lloyd!
Yes?
You can just kiss
New York goodbye
because I can't pay for it.
I cannot pay for it.
And you just made it completely
clear you don't want my help.
I don't want your help.
No, I really don't.
IF I wanna go to NYU,
I will save up the money
on my own
and I will get myself there.
It's not even about NYU.
I don't care about NYU.
I just wanted to get as far away
from you as I could.
Well, now you all know me.
I'm principal Mackie,
and, uh, well, I'd just like to
welcome all you
Woodbridge students,
uh, to our prom.
And now,
Barbara wolf will announce
the winners of prom court!
I know that there is something
that we have all been
waiting for...
Who our prom king and queen
are tonight!
Here we go.
Oh, my gosh!
My own baby, Carrie wolf,
is prom queen!
Oh, I'm so proud of her!
Carrie wolf and...
Prom king is Lloyd Cooper?
Yeah-ha-ha-hah!
Whoo!
Carrie?
They left.
Son of a mother shh-ackin' son
my mother f-fist in the...
Oh, It's fine.
Our winners.
Oh, It's all...
Yes. Oh, yes.
Barbara wolf Says,
"enjoy your starry,
starry magical night."
Dance, shoo, go everyone, dance!
What, I'm your mother!
I know where you are
at all times!
Let me tie your shoes.
What do you think about
when you...
Are you seeing anyone?
Let me do up that shirt for you.
When was your first kiss?
I love you.
I'm never gonna leave you.
Do you... dust?
Lloyd, are you gay?
You ready?
So ready.
All right.
Hey!
What's she doin' here?
Wow.
You thought I was just gonna let
you go without saying goodbye?
Come here.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
Hey, listen, thank you.
For what?
For being my friend, really.
I wish it happened sooner,
but...
Better late than never, right?
Yeah.
I, um...
I got you something.
Oh!
Yes.
Little going-away present.
I've, um...
I've been saving up.
N-New York City is, like,
super super expensive.
Oh, my gosh.
Are you kidding me?
I can't... I can't take this.
Yes! Yes!
It's yours. And the next time
I find myself in New York City,
you can pay me back by letting
me crash at your place,
for life.
You know I got the scholarship,
right?
W-what? Wait, how?
How did this happen?
Well, apparently, bisexual
or questioning still qualifies.
Derek was super-impressed
that he was honest,
so that clinched the deal.
Doing the right thing paid off,
who knew?
Lloyd
Oh, my God!
I'm so happy for you.
Here, here, here, here,
please. Come on.
No, no, you know what?
Take it, you know?
I-I still want a place
to stay,
and the scholarship
won't cover everything, so...
You are just the best.
You're just the best.
Come here. Mm.
Ah.
All right, get out of here
before I take you with me.
Mm, I wish you would.
You all right?
Yeah.
Are you crying?
Maybe.
What's wrong with a dad bein'
sad his kid's goin' away?
Come here.
You're goin'.
You're gonna fly.
I love you.
I love you, too, dad.
You are gonna kick ass
in that town.
You are just... you are not
gonna believe it.
It's such a cool place.
Can't wait.
You are gonna have the most fun.
I will.
Wait!
I'm right here, mom!
A couple things.
I gotta go or I'm gonna
miss my flight, okay?
I know, I know. Here.
Okay.
Did you pack your I.D.?
Yeah.
Warm clothes?
Yes.
It's winter there, you know.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm good.
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Even all your wildly
inappropriate stories.
Come here.
I love you, mom.
I love you, too.
I love you.
Okay, we're gonna let go, okay?
Okay.
On three, two, one.
Let's do three, two, one, ready?
Three, two, one.
Okay.
Good. Good. Oh.
Oh, I wasn't ready.
Okay, that's okay.
Ready?
Three, two, one.
See? There you go.
I love you, mom.
Okay.
Hey.
Huh?
You don't hate me, huh?
No.
Okay.
He doesn't hate me.
Good.
Keep an eye on her,
all right, Carrie?
Absolutely.
Bye, Lloyd.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay.
Surprise!
Hey!
Hi!
Hi.
Happy Birthday.
My birthday's not for another
six months. You know that.
Yeah, but the security guard
I had to bribe downstairs
does not.
Uh-huh.
Hi.
What are you doing
in New York City?
Well, I had these frequent flyer
Miles I had to use,
so I just thought,
"I'll come see my son!"
You don't have
frequent flyer Miles, though.
No, I don't.
No.
But your dad does.
And, uh, he's downstairs.
Right now?
Yeah.
'Cause, um, we're here together.
Really?
Yeah.
Mom, that's so good to hear.
It's okay, huh?
That's great, yeah!
Okay.
Um, so do you wanna have dinner?
No, yeah, that'd be great.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, of course!
Okay. We made
a reservation and...
Perfect!
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
It's really great in here.
Reservations for how many?
Mom?