Hello I Love You (2018) Movie Script

- That's me.
The little guy
there on the lawn.
My name is Andy Miller.
Andrew to my mom,
that's her there.
She calls me Andrew
but I go by Andy.
Please don't ever
call me Andrew.
Growing up, kids used to call
me Androol, Andpoo, Hand Tool.
Well, you get the idea.
Anyway, well, what you're
seeing is the beginning.
Well, of my personality, anyway.
See the little
shirt and tie combo?
That was just a foreshadow
of things to come.
I don't know where
the idea came from,
but as far back
as I can remember
I've always wanted to be
a professional something.
I tried the usual kid
jobs; lemonade stand,
then there was the
newspaper delivery business,
lawn mowing business,
grocery delivery business,
and, of course, there
was the fast food era.
Chicken, burgers,
burritos, pizza.
You name a fast food joint,
I have a plastic
name tag from there.
Here I am today,
the product of years
of hard work and sacrifice.
Didn't date, didn't
hang out with friends,
spent my childhood either
working or studying.
I got my own place,
I'm 29 years old,
and I work in a TV
production studio.
The worst production
studio in the nation.
To top it all off, I am
what is known as a P.A.,
which stands for
Production Assistant,
which means bottom
of the ladder.
So I ask you, was
it all worth it?
So far?
- 'Bout time, donut boy.
Boss man's on his way.
Why don't you set
those bad boys down?
We're starving.
- Okay.
- Good job, champ.
What are we supposed to do?
Take turns drinking
out of the jugs?
Where are the cups?
- Oh.
Right here.
- Uh no.
You realize those have
been hitting your butt
as you've been walking, right?
Do you really expect us
to drink out of butt cups?
- I don't mind.
- No!
All right, I trust
you're gonna pitch me
the greatest reality TV shows
this network's ever seen.
- Oh, I think you'll
be blown away, Big B.
Hey, Elaine, why don't
you take the lead?
- Okay.
This is Rachael Ray
meets the Dog Whisperer
with a psychic twist.
You wanna know why
your yellow lab refuses
to eat dry dog food
and yet has no problem
chewing on your $200 shoes?
Was your cat Hitler
in a past life?
You wanna know?
Just ask the psychic
pet whispering chef.
- Next.
- I think you're really
gonna like this one.
So, chess has always
been a snooty game,
but our version will
feature death row inmates.
So, instead of rook takes pawn,
it'll be rook shanks pawn.
It'll be entertaining.
And it'll speed up
capital punishment--
- I, uh, thought we
weren't gonna bring
that one up again, Chuck.
- I've got a great idea.
We gather a bunch of
former celebrities,
we strand them on
a desert island
and the first one that resorts
to cannibalism is our winner.
And he wins a big part in
the next Michael Bay movie.
We call it Celebrity Cannibals.
- I have a satirical
version of the Hunger Games.
It's called the No Thank
You, I'm Quite Full Games.
It's where you--
- Look, the studio
owners are on my back.
I need a hit and I need it now.
You know what we're
gettin' beat by?
Cafeteria workers
that hate children,
garbage men that are sensitive,
and that little girl that makes
dolls out of used chewing gum.
Oh, they're nice, but
nobody wants to touch 'em.
Everybody leave.
- You didn't pitch
your show, did you?
- No.
- Andy, you've been talking
about this show idea for a year.
Do you remember the deal that
we made if you
chickened out today?
- Yes.
Just give me a
second to prepare.
- I'm only doing this because
you made me promise to.
And I want you to know that
I take absolutely no pleasure
in what I'm about to do.
- Okay, just let me prepare.
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- When?
- I'll do it right now!
- When?
- Right now!
Now, right now, right now!
- Now, remember Andy,
you swore me to this.
And as your friend, I am bound
to do what you ask me to.
It is my responsibility
to complete that.
- Oh, you're a
good friend, Peggy.
- I enjoy being
your friend, Andy.
Especially times like this.
- No, no, we're gonna
go to that one place
we went with that one
guy that one time.
No, no, no.
I'm gonna bring
my own chopsticks.
Okay, say hi to Mom.
- I have an idea for
a reality TV show.
- And you are?
- Andy Miller.
Production Assistant.
- Doesn't ring
any bells with me.
- I've been working
here for three years.
I bring you your
paper every morning.
- And now you have a show idea.
- It's a great idea.
- I'll tell you what.
If I like your idea,
we'll talk about it.
If I don't, you're fired.
- Deal.
- You got 30 seconds.
- Okay, it's called
Hello, I Love You.
- You have 20
seconds left, Alan.
- Actually it's.
Never mind.
Okay, so, the host
of the show goes up
to random women with hidden
cameras and proposes to them.
Now, of course, they'll say no,
but he just convinces one to
spend the next month or so
going on dates, doing
things that couples do,
and then at the end of
that time he proposes again
and we see what she says.
- Then the cameras
bust out of nowhere
and she discovers she's
on a reality TV show.
- Exactly.
- We can even give her a check.
A small check.
I can't believe I'm saying this.
I kinda like this idea.
- Thanks.
- You can host.
- Oh, I'm not an actor--
- Professional
actors cost money.
Now, bring me the footage.
If I can put something together
that I'm comfortable enough
showing the studio owners
I'll pitch your show.
Now, do you think you
could do it for 15.
10 grand?
- I will make it work.
Thank you.
- Now, you're gonna
need three things.
One is, go to the
equipment room,
pull a camera and
some equipment.
Two, you're gonna need a crew.
A small crew.
And three, you're gonna
need the perfect contestant.
- Are you sure
we're in the right area?
- Yeah, he said
he'd meet us here.
Or somewhere around
here, anyway.
I'm sick of driving,
we can just wait.
- Good, you can tell
me more about him.
- Uh, he is Zack.
He's British, he's
an orthodontist.
- Why do you say all those
things like they're bad?
Should I be worried?
- No, no, no, no, no.
It's just dental
people and I usually
don't get along very well.
- Fear of the drill?
- No, no, no, no.
It's more the fact
that they can have
their hands in
someone's mouth all day
and then just go to
lunch like no big deal.
- Thank goodness Zack
is not a proctologist,
I'd hate to imagine where
this conversation
would be heading.
- No, it's just.
Grosses me out.
- Ever since you
got dumped by Justin
you've been scared to
get close to people.
But it's been two years, it's
time to regroup and move on.
- I'm starting to
beginning to think
that there is something
really wrong with me, Mandy.
I mean, what if I
never get married?
Our apartment complex
doesn't allow cats.
- Oh my god!
What did you do?
- You were the
one distracting me!
- You're the one driving.
- I don't care!
This is it, we're going to jail.
All right, Mandy!
Mandy, stop, stop, stop.
I know what to do.
I know what to do.
All right.
So, we're gonna put
him in the trunk,
he can't stay there,
and then we're gonna
go to the hardware store,
we're gonna buy some
hack saws, some bags,
shovels, some lime--
- Shovels?
A hacksaw?
I'm calling an ambulance!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, wait!
Listen to me, we can do this.
Okay, I've seen it on TV.
All right, so we just chop
him into smaller pieces
and put him into bags
and we put in some limes
and then we just go in the
woods and we bury him there.
- You want me to help you
bury a guy in the woods?
Are you crazy?
- Mandy, we have to do this!
We can do this!
- Are you kidding me?
I was a math major!
- Then you can
find a perfect trifecta
of where they'll never find him!
- Sorry.
Sorry I was late, love.
- No, it's fine.
- So, that was Mandy.
You're bang on, she's
absolutely stunning.
- I knew you'd like her.
- Seems very nice.
- Oh, definitely.
She refused to chop
your body up for me.
I had to steal the
phone out of her hands
so she wouldn't call
an ambulance for ya.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
- It is so hard to
find a girl these days
who's not willing to
dismember a corpse.
Even to save her
own best friend.
- Tell me about it.
I'm tellin' ya,
Zack, she's a keeper.
She wants to have
a lot of kids, too.
You guys could have
like a whole Brady Bunch
of non-corpse
dismembering children.
- Should we not tell her
this was all a prank?
- Oh no, no, no, no.
She needs more practice
running, look at that.
- Her run is quite odd.
- It's like she doesn't know
what to do with her arms.
I would say that's
worth five points.
- All right, you two.
This is the strangest
contest I've ever heard of.
- Well, it started two years
ago and Mandy won it last year,
but I'm on track to
take it this year.
- And what did I win
it with last year?
I forget.
- That would be the hair
removal shampoo gag.
- All of Emma's hair fell
out, you should of seen it.
Even her eyebrows were gone.
- Just in time for the
Christmas card photos.
How long am I gonna have to
wait for your retaliation?
- Oh, it's already planned
and ready to execute.
See, we're not allowed
to do two pranks at once,
we have to take turns,
but doesn't mean
we can't think of
something diabolical ahead
of time and plan it.
- You think you'll
really get me, huh?
- Oh, the wheels are
in motion, my friend.
And you have no idea
when it will hit
or how long it'll last.
But I can promise you
mortification galore.
And who knows, it might
even change your life.
- Hey, Dad.
Yeah, I'm actually
waiting for the
new camera guys right now.
I don't care if
they're serial killers
as long as they can
operate a camera.
- Hello, good citizen.
You must be Andy
Miller, the producer.
- Maybe.
- Allow me to introduce us.
I am Reel Man and this
is my sidekick Boom Boy.
- Hey bud, how you doin'?
- Hey.
I'm not sure what's
going on here.
I'm not filming a
superhero movie.
- Oh, Mr. Miller,
we're not actors.
- No.
- We're filmmakers.
- Super filmmakers.
- Okay.
- You see, mild-mannered
men by day,
superhero filmmakers by, well,
I guess later that same day,
you know, later in
the evenings, nights,
alternating weekends--
- Depends
on what we do at work.
- Yeah, yeah, this is fun,
but I have so much work to do.
I just gotta, I'm gonna.
Thanks, guys.
- Mr. Miller,
we really are filmmakers.
- Sure, yes.
- What format are you using?
HD, HDD, H.264,
4k, 5k, 6k?
- Are we shooting day?
Oh, night for day?
Are you using a dolly or a jib?
Maybe you're a crazy man doing
a steady cam all the way.
- What kinda audio are we using?
Are we gonna do boom mic, lavs?
Are we gonna use XLR?
Speak-on connections?
What are we using?
- See, Mr. Miller.
May I call you Andy?
Mr. Andy, we're not
just filmmakers.
We're super filmmakers.
- And what is exactly
is a super filmmaker?
- Have you ever sat
through a film and thought
how on Earth did
this thing get made?
- You see, it is our mission,
and we have chosen to accept it.
Is to gain the power to
stop all horrible films
in the development
process and to stop
every piece of
cinematic excrement
from ever reaching
the big screen.
- One day, Mr. Miller, we
will be the gatekeepers
through which all
films must pass
before gaining entry into
America's home and heart.
- And how do you
plan on doing that?
- We have no idea.
- Not a clue.
- Well, I mean, we
have some kinda clue--
- Some idea, yeah.
- Yeah, I mean,
we'll have to be
rich studio execs
but that doesn't take too long.
Maybe a year, 18
months, 2 years tops.
- Three tops.
- Yeah.
- Seems legit.
- All right.
- That's about focuses
it out of frame.
You have a minute?
- All right.
- So.
- Clear the set.
- Good?
- You're looking good,
you're looking good.
- Just go? -
just, just, just go.
- Go, okay.
What did I think the first time
I saw Reel Man and Boom Boy?
Well, I knew that there was
a comic convention in town
and I was really hoping
they were a part of it.
They were not.
- All right, we've already
staked out some hiding places.
So, go ahead,
maneuver as necessary,
and we'll find the angles.
- Yeah, and with this you
will be able to hear us.
- I got it.
- And with that we will
be able to hear you.
Just two things: one, don't
cover your mouth when you talk,
and two, try not
to bump the mic.
- Okay.
Anything else I need to know?
- Yeah, a lot of women are
carrying guns in their purses.
Try not to get shot.
- Yeah, and watch
out for bed bugs.
Hey, I heard there was
an epidemic in New York.
Hey, those things can
jump, I've seen it.
- Good luck.
- Yeah, we'll see ya.
Do you think we get to keep
the footage if he gets shot?
- Of course we're
keeping the cameras.
- Goodbye!
- This is great, kid!
You gettin' whacked in the face
by every woman in town is gold.
In fact, I feel good
enough about this show
to pitch it to the old man.
- Wow, really?
That's great.
- Don't get too confident.
I mean, you gettin' whacked
in the face every week
is entertaining, but you still
gotta pull this thing off.
Either you find us a contestant
or get killed on TV trying.
- I'll stick with
finding a contestant.
- Suit yourself, but, I'm
actually fine either way.
- Andrew.
How's it going?
Baggins told me about the show.
Congrats, amigo.
From P.A. to producer?
Whod'a thunk it?
- Well, actually--
- Well, I gotta tell you, I'm
rootin' for ya, little buddy.
- Thanks.
- I ran into your
protege earlier.
Really, Big B?
I mean, I know you hate us all,
but to promote a
P.A. to producer?
- Relax.
I'm pitching the
idea to the old man.
I'm leaving out who's
idea it actually was
till I see how it comes in.
In the meantime, I've
got a low level employee
shooting a potentially successful
TV show for pocket change.
- Well, what happens when
he brings in the show?
- Well, I'll take credit
for it and turn it over
to you and your moron squad
to bring it in for
the Fall season.
- And if it sucks Andy takes
the rap and the consequences.
- Yeah.
And if it's good
I take the credit,
put you in as producer.
Just make sure he
doesn't screw it up.
- Not a problem, Big B.
- You guys in position?
- Affirmative.
Near the target.
- Hello!
- Hi.
- Mind if I sit?
- I'm sorry, do I know you?
- Not yet.
I'm Andy.
Andy Miller.
- Well, Andy Miller, my
name is Wondering Who.
- Interesting name, is
that Native American?
- Yeah, it means she
who stares at crazy man.
- Okay, I get it.
But before I go, I have
one question to ask you.
- I don't have any change.
- Funny, no.
No, seriously, just one
thing I need to ask.
Will you marry me?
- Give me a second,
I have something just
for special occasions like this.
- You don't have a gun, do you?
- No, I much prefer
mace, myself.
You see, with a gun it's
like shoot, bam, you're dead.
You know, where's
the fun in that?
So, I much prefer
the horrified screams
that can only come from a good
shot of mace to both eyes.
- What's your brand?
Personally I prefer Oleander.
You don't even
need a direct shot,
you just graze the
side of the face
and it's like someone started
a fire behind your eyeballs
that just burns so much.
- I'm guessing this is coming
from personal experience?
- You could say that.
- Oh, so I'm not
the first gal that
you've asked this
insane question to.
- Would your feelings
be hurt if I said no?
- No, but you're not
making a good case
for me not to spray you
in the face with mace
that I definitely
do have right here.
- You don't have
any mace, do you?
- No.
But you've inspired
some to buy some.
Was that brand you liked?
- Oleander.
I think it's sporting
good stores you get it
for grizzly bears or
angry chihuahuas, maybe.
- Darn, 'cause I had
an enormous full grown
grizzly chihuahua
chasing me last week.
It coulda come in handy.
Really, what is this?
- I already told you.
- You just go around proposing
to complete strangers--
- Makes sense when you
think about it, right?
- On what planet
could that make sense?
- People who get married
were strangers when they met.
- Yeah, but over time is
when they fall in love.
- Exactly my point.
All we need is time.
I mean, you do wanna get
married one day, right?
- Who says that I'm not
already taken and married
and loved by someone?
- Are you?
- All right, well.
Look, Andy, I'm too lazy
to think up an excuse
so I'm just gonna say goodbye.
- I thought that we
were hitting it off.
Hey, wait, no!
- I gotta go invest
in the stock market,
I'm thinking that mace
is about to sky rocket.
- No, wait, wait, please.
Can I be honest with you?
- What's the fun in that?
- This is really
important to me.
All I'm asking is
for a few dates.
I am a very nice guy.
I promise I will pay for
everything, no commitment.
Just give it a
few weeks and then
we'll see how you feel.
I will propose again.
If you say no, you will
never see me again.
I promise.
- Are you getting
paid to do this?
- What?
Paid to?
I just, I just want
to get to know you
'cause you seem like
a really nice girl
and I would like to get
married sooner or later.
- Well, Andy.
I'm thinking for you
it's gonna be later.
Much much much much later.
- Are you sure?
Because this could be really
the opportunity of a lifetime.
It might even change your life!
- What was that?
- I just mean that,
um, you never know
when an opportunity
can change your life.
- Well, Andy, if
I'm going to do this
I'm gonna need to
see the merchandise.
- Merchandise?
- Yeah, take that jacket off.
Jacket's just a little too much.
There you go.
That's nice.
Good, very good.
Just throw it over there.
All right, now give me a spin.
- Spin?
- Yeah.
Oh, well that's way too fast.
Okay, now, spin again.
This time go really slow.
Hands on hips.
Oh, I like that hip.
Good, that's good.
All right, so, lift
it up, we gotta see--
- Lift what up?
- The shirt.
- Do.
Do I have to?
- Come on, I gotta see
what I'm investing my time
or potential future,
and I gotta see
if you're hidin' a six
pack or a keg under there.
The clock is ticking, Andrew.
Oh, that's not bad,
actually, that's okay.
We can work with that.
Let's cut to the chase, let's
take the whole thing off.
Just tie, buttons, everything.
- Oh okay.
- Yes.
- All right.
But, there's something that I
need to explain--
- Explain it,
explain it while I'm seein' it.
What happened to you?
- I lost a bet with a
coworker and the punishment
was a.
- A what?
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
- Purple!
Purple nurple.
She gave me a purple nurple.
- Plural nurples, I would say.
You look like.
You look like a shaved raccoon.
- So, yes, I have done
what you have asked.
Do we have a deal?
- All right.
All right, okay.
Here are my terms.
I have a list of requirements.
Basically the rules for the
guys that want to date me.
- Okay, what are they?
- I can't tell you that.
You might cheat and try to
meet the requirements I set
and I will never learn
who the real you is.
And how can I marry someone
who I don't even know?
- Okay.
- So here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go on 10 dates.
Each of the dates
will meet one of
the core requirements of mine.
And then I will grade you
on a pass or fail scale.
- How do I know
if I pass or fail?
- I guess you'll find out
when you propose to me again.
- I love it.
It's actually better than.
I mean, I love, love,
when do we start?
- How about tomorrow night?
I'm free tomorrow night.
- Okay, where do you live?
Where can I pick you up?
- I'm not telling
you where I live!
Geez, I mean no.
Okay, you just give
me your number.
I'll call you later.
- All right.
So I guess I will
see you tomorrow?
- I guess you will.
- My thoughts when
I first met Emma.
Beautiful, of course.
Odd, smart, and a bit scary.
It's gonna be interesting
dating her, to say the least.
What do I think is
going to be her reaction
when she finds out this has
all been a reality show?
I think she'll laugh,
take the check,
and go on with her life.
- I'm looking for Zack.
- He's just
right around the corner.
- Okay.
Is it safe to come in?
- Oh, sure.
- I was at the park today
eating this awesomest burrito
which is currently destroying
my insides right now.
- Lovely.
- And this guy walks up
to me and asks me to marry him.
- Are you in the habit
of receiving proposals
from strange men?
- No.
But can't you see
it's Mandy's prank?
I mean, can you believe that?
I can't believe that.
I'm no math major, but I'm
oh, am I being too loud?
- Oh, no.
- I don't wanna wake him up.
- No, no, be as
loud as you like.
He's dead.
- Dead?
- Dead.
- Oh my gosh.
- They found him this morning.
They brought him in,
no identification,
so we have to make a mold
to compare dental records.
- Oh.
Okay, well, on another note.
I have a brilliant
idea with this guy.
So I'm actually gonna
date him and I'm
gonna pretend that
I'm falling for him
and then I'm gonna tell Mandy
that he broke up with me
and then I'm gonna act
so emotionally destroyed
she's gonna feel so guilty
and she's gonna confess,
and then--
- And then you're going
to tell her that you knew
about the prank all along.
And you're telling
me this now so
that I'm a witness that you
knew about it from the start.
That's very clever.
- Thank you.
- You do realize I'll be
killed shortly afterwards?
- Yes, but your death will
be for the greater good.
- So we have a contestant.
Emma, Emma something?
- Granite.
- Is she ugly?
Ugly works onto sometimes on TV
but it's gotta be that
circus freak show kinda ugly.
- Oh no, she's beautiful.
We really lucked
out, she's gonna be
great for the show.
- Between the footage we
have now and the dates
we need 13 episodes.
The last episode is
the season finale
where you finally propose.
- Assuming she
doesn't bail first.
- That's why I'm giving
you some help, Andrew.
- Help?
I don't think I need--
- I'm sending Mike
in as co-producer.
He's gonna make sure
everything runs smoothly.
We can't afford
to lose this girl.
Not now.
And finding a new one, we'll
never make the Fall schedule.
- Do you really think
that Mike is necessary?
- I wouldn't suggest
it if I, well,
suggest really isn't
the word I would use.
Is it, Mike?
- I think order might
be a better word.
- Good luck on
your date tomorrow.
And remember to
coordinate with Mike.
You can go now.
Make sure the dates
are entertaining,
if you know what I mean.
- I believe I do.
- Embarrass Andy as
much as you'd like
but not to the point
it affects the girl.
We can't afford to lose her.
- Don't worry.
I've got some things in mind.
- Oh, hey, guys.
- Andy.
- What is that?
- This is Reel Man and
Boom Boy, my film crew.
- Together we fight the
battle of ill-fated--
- They're pros, they
know their stuff.
- Excuse me, common citizen.
I'm sorry, who are you?
- Mike Herd.
I'm your producer.
- Wait, wait.
I thought Andy was our producer.
- So I called the restaurant
owner ahead of time
to make sure we get
permission for your crew
to get in and set
up out of the way.
That way we can get
coverage of the dinner
from both angles.
- I already talked to the
owner and arranged everything.
- I just wanted to
call ahead and give
them a little reassurance.
You know, being backed
by the network and such.
- Okay.
- Also, there's a small change.
- Change?
What kinda change?
- I set up a series of
sponsors for the show.
- How do you get
sponsors for a show
that doesn't even exist yet?
- That's called being
a fantastic producer.
Don't worry, it's just
some product placement ads
you'll be doing
in each episodes.
- Product placement?
What if the item
doesn't fit the scene?
- Hey, I've got faith
in ya, sport, okay?
It doesn't matter if it fits.
I'll be listening
in with an ear piece
and if you need help
I'll give you some help.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
So this is officially as awkward
as the first time we met.
- Somehow I doubt that.
- Oh, maybe this will
break the tension.
I couldn't find a
grizzly chihuahua, so.
- Oh.
It's adorably creepy, I love it.
- So you ready for this?
- The food or you?
- Mostly me.
All of it, really.
- That's cute that
you're nervous.
- Who me?
Yeah, I'm a little bit.
- Well, don't worry, you
already got me on the line
so now you just
have to reel me in.
- Oh, a fishing reference, huh?
Are you a fish fan?
I mean, do you like to fish?
- I watch a lotta
Animal Planet, so,
- Oh, the great outdoors.
Great movie, by the way.
John Candy, Dan Aykroyd.
There was a bear.
- Yeah.
That was a great
movie, actually.
- Right?
A classic.
- Yep.
- Bear was bald.
- Can I take your order?
- Yes, please!
I will handle this.
I would like the barbecue
chicken pizza with breadsticks,
and the lady will the
Giovanni's Zilio's house salad.
The lady will have the
pear and blue cheese salad.
- No.
- Strawberry spinach
summer salad?
- The lady will have a few
minutes to look over the menu.
- Sure.
- Thanks.
- Sorry, I saw it
in a TV show, movie.
Girls seem to like it.
- Well, this isn't a TV show.
And, you know, unless
you're James Bond
that doesn't work on real
girls in real life, so yeah.
And just on the off chance,
that you know, things don't
work out between you and I,
I'm thinking maybe
you should let
your dates order for themselves.
- Good to know.
Sorry, I'm a little new at this.
- Really?
'Cause you seem
perfectly natural at it,
asking perfect strangers
to marry you in the park.
- Oh, that's easy.
I just go and ask and I'd
get punched or slapped
and have a dog
thrown in my face.
I got used to it.
- Well, I could stab
you in the forehead
with a fork if that would help.
So, I'm gonna go
out on a limb here
and say that you
don't date often.
- Who me?
Nah, no.
- Please stop that.
- Sorry.
No, you're right,
I don't date much.
- Well, how much is much?
- Five maybe.
Not including blind dates
and dates with cousins.
Oh, no, no, no, nothing weird.
No, I had cousins that
didn't get asked to dances.
I was being nice.
- Oh, well, they were at
least women though, right?
- Yes.
- Okay, well, then you
should know that women
tend to enjoy thinking and
speaking for themselves, right?
- I will keep that in mind.
- I mean, five dates.
How is that possible?
I mean, you're so not
bad looking, you know?
I mean, unless
you have halitosis
or you're really as
crazy as I think you are.
- I just had different
priorities growing up.
I was one of those kids that
had 50 jobs by the age of 15.
- I don't think there were
any other kids like that,
I think that was just you.
- Well, while everyone
else was out running around
playing games, goofing
off, I was raking leaves,
painting fences, mowing lawns.
- Where were your parents?
- Oh, they were against it.
But they, I guess they
kinda figured that
since I was making straight
A's, wasn't doing drugs,
they sort of accepted it.
- So, basically you gave up
your childhood for money.
That's cool--
- Oh, no, it wasn't
about the money.
I put that in a bank
account and forgot about it.
I was trying to figure out
my career path, you know?
Where I belonged in the world.
- Okay, well here's
your problem, Andy.
All those things that
you missed out on;
playing with friends,
going on trips,
all the little games.
Those are the things
that life uses to teach
you who you are, to tell you
what you like and dislike.
- Huh, never thought
of it that way.
- Okay, so, you skipped
childhood, now here you are.
How'd it all work out?
What do you do for a living?
- Uh.
- Say you have a few jobs.
We'll use some of our sponsors.
Tell her.
Tell her.
- Castle of Chaos.
- Oh, like a
haunted house place?
- Yes.
I am a zombie.
- A zombie.
And it should probably
be a little bit strange
but I think it's
rather impressive.
- Wait, you're impressed
that I'm a zombie?
- Yeah!
I mean, what are you,
so like, you just dress
up and chase children?
- Apparently.
- Fun.
So, that's your main job?
- Apparently not.
I mean, um.
I have a lot of different jobs.
I will take you to
see them some time.
They're all just
temporary though.
Just what I'm doing until I
can figure out where
I belong in the world.
- Well, you're starting to
sound like a Disney movie.
- First date thoughts.
Um, admittedly I
was a bit nervous,
but Emma is nice, charming,
and of course very beautiful.
Um, to be honest I
was a little concerned
about the zombie stuff
and a little concerned
that the zombie stuff
didn't seem to faze Emma.
But she did like the
grizzly chihuahua.
So, um, yeah, she's a little
weird but in a good way.
- What's got you in
such a good mood?
You see another old guy bend
over and split his pants again?
- Not this time, actually.
I, believe it or not,
just came from a date
with a man named Andy.
- Why am I just now finding
out about this guy named Andy?
- Well, you know, I
wanted to make sure
that I had real feelings for
this guy before I told you.
- Wait, did you
just say feelings?
Does this mean we're done
chasing unavailable guys?
- Oh my gosh, I hope so Mandy.
I mean, I think I really
could fall for this guy.
On our next date he's gonna
take me to where he works, so.
It's pretty
- Okay.
legitimate, you know?
- What's that?
- It's a list that I'm starting.
- You're seriously
making a list?
- That's your
judgmental face, okay?
I recognize it from when I tried
to enter that eating contest.
- It was a contest
to eat 10 pounds
of gummy bears in five minutes.
- And I would've won if
you hadn't stopped me.
- I didn't stop you.
You passed out, remember?
- No.
- Has a job.
Well, that's a good start.
Just don't fall
too far too fast.
We don't need another
repeat of Justin.
What's wrong?
- Now you got me thinking
about gummy bears.
I must go.
- Okay, remember, if Andy
asks you to go hiking
he's planning on killing you
and making a kite
out of your skin.
- I know.
- Hey, Andy?
Don't take this the wrong
way, but what are you wearing?
- I know, right?
Andy, you look ridiculous.
- I mean, have some
self-respect, man.
- I know.
First off, Andy, your halo
is completely the wrong size.
Not to mention those sandals.
What did you do?
Buy them at a thrift store?
They're completely non-period.
You look insane!
- Are those wings?
Are they supposed to be wings?
'Cause they're not
saying wing to me.
- Can it, morons.
- Someone woke up
on the wrong side
of the lake of fire and
brimstone this morning.
- You're the camera crew,
focus on what you're
shockingly good at.
Leave the costumes to wardrobe.
- The ice cream angel's here!
- You kids having fun?
- Yeah!
- Ready for some ice cream?
- Yeah!
- Did you bust open
your piggy banks
and bring all its guts to
pay for your ice cream?
- Yeah.
- She's kidding!
- Yeah!
- I want chocolate!
- Oh, I'm sorry, but
it's considered polite
to let the girls go first.
What would you like, sweetheart?
- Dude, I'm a boy.
- He's a boy.
- Oh, um, I'm sorry.
Well, that's okay, you
can go first anyways.
- I thought you said
girls get to go first.
- I was kidding.
- Maybe he hates girls.
- Yeah, he hates girls.
- Hey, Dad.
This guy hates girls.
- No, no, no, no, no,
I don't hate girls.
- No, no, no, no.
Yeah, 'cause I'm a girl
and he likes me, right?
- Yeah, right, I like you.
I like her!
- Maybe he didn't
know you were a girl.
- There's no
mistaking this, honey.
No, no, thank you.
- Right?
I mean, look how cute she is.
She's a 10!
- Pa-lease, she's
a five at best.
- Hey, chick,
take your misogynistic
angel and get lost!
- Bring it, Bugs.
- Oh, okay, let's,
let's keep things calm.
- Fight,
fight, fight, fight!
Fight, fight, fight, fight.
- Where are your parents?
- Fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight,
- What is happening here?
- Fight,
fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight.
- He killed the Easter bunny!
- Get them!
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Great job back there.
That went down much better
than I could've expected.
- It was easier than I thought.
He kinda opened an opportunity
and we just went with it.
- Nice.
Well, I trust you're gonna
get this to everyone involved.
- Right.
- Good.
Great doing business with you.
- Nice doing business with you.
- Take care.
- I tend to think of
myself as a pacifist.
But, on the rare occasion
where brute force
is called for, I do not
hesitate to answer the call
to be forceful.
- I believe
the question was
while dressed as the
angel of ice cream
did you, in fact,
get your butt kicked
by a little girl
in a bunny suit?
- I, I.
I believe I remember the events
of that day quite
quite differently.
- New question.
Are you, in fact, a little girl?
- Wow, it's true.
- What's true?
- A desk in the
middle of nowhere.
It's really depressing.
Just think.
If the show's a big
hit you might finally
get that cubical you've
always dreamt of.
- Yeah, wouldn't
that be something.
- Yeah.
Now just imagine a wall.
A wall right here where
you could hang all
of the pictures of your
friends, your girlf--.
Your family, you said
you have one of those.
Just make sure you don't
do something stupid
to screw it up.
- Like what?
- Well, I dunno.
The other night there was this
moment between you and Emma.
- Moment?
- Yeah, you know, it
would just be a shame
if all of sudden you
grew a conscience
and told Emma about the show.
- And destroy all that
I've worked so hard for?
- Well, okay.
I just wanted to make sure.
So, you ready for
your next date?
- Um, not really.
Are you sure of what
you want me to do?
- Trust me, it'll be great.
- Hello?
Do you know where Andy is?
Okay, thanks.
La la la la la la la
La la la la la
Yes, this is awesome!
- Wait, you weren't scared?
- Yes, I'm freaking
and I love it.
This is so cool, I love
scary stuff like this.
This is the best job ever.
- Well, you should see
me in all my glory.
I've got this button
I can push that
will shoot blood
out of my neck and.
I think the batteries
are dead right now.
- That's okay.
- And tell her you have
to stay in your makeup
'cause you have to
go back to work.
It'll be great.
- Um, so I've got
some bad news--
- Wait.
Are we not going to chocolate?
Because you did
promise me chocolate.
And you don't dangle
chocolate in front
of a girl and rip
it away like that
unless you want your face
to look like that for real.
- No, we're getting chocolate.
I just have to come
back to work after
so I have to stay in costume.
- Oh.
Can I have some
makeup too, please?
Can I have some makeup
too, please?
- Yeah!
Yeah, okay.
- Okay!
Where is it, this way?
- Yeah.
So how am I doing on
this list of yours?
- So far so good.
- Get the product
placement out of
the way quickly this time.
- Did I mention how much I
love Hatch Family chocolates?
- Why do you always
sound like a commercial?
- I'm just saying how
much I love this place.
Did you know that
the Hatch Family
have been making fine hand-dipped
chocolates since 1917?
- Wow.
- Mom.
Caramel apple now!
- Whatever
you say, Bridget.
- Excuse me.
What do you think you're doing?
- Oh, um, we are on a date.
- No.
What I mean is, this
is my favorite table.
So take your freak show
to another stage.
This is my spot.
- Oh.
So this is where you
perform your freak show?
- You heard me, cyclops.
Hit the bricks before
you lose another eye.
- It's fine, we can move.
- No!
We were here first and we
are not going anywhere.
Maybe if she had asked
nicely, but now it's too late.
- So, you're not going?
- Not a chance, you--
- Okay, let's, let's just keep
it calm and civil, ladies.
You must really be
part of a freak show
because I'm lookin' at you,
yet he's the one who
sounds like a girl.
- Listen here, you little brat.
This guy just beat up the
Easter bunny and a girl,
do you wanna be next?
- Technically it
was the same person.
- Fine.
Have the table.
- I'm sorry, I just...
- No, I, I can you see have
a little bit of a temper.
- Only when faced
with pure evil.
Anyway, you were saying?
You like this place?
You come here a lot, or?
- Yeah, yeah, all the time.
- But not on dates?
- No, just me.
- That's ridiculous.
What else do you do by yourself?
- Um, movies,
restaurants, library.
- And you don't have any
friends to do that with you?
- Well, I know a lot of people,
I just don't really
hang out with anyone.
- You say that like it's normal.
- I dunno, I never
really thought about it.
I mean, I didn't have time
for friends growing up.
I was so busy, so I
guess I got used to it.
- That's just so sad, Andy.
- Why?
Who says that you have to have
friends to be happy in life?
- Everybody says that.
That's why you have friends.
Because sometimes life
sucks and you just need
someone to be there to tell you
that everything
is gonna be okay.
- I have parents.
- Your parents' job is to be
your parents, not your friend.
Can you really imagine
living the rest
of your life so alone?
- I always figured
that, um, I would get
to that when the career
was squared away.
Hey, I'm doin' right now!
I asked you to marry me.
We are on a date.
I'm taking care of it.
- Yeah, I guess you are.
- You did not say
anything about this!
I want extra money.
- Stop it,
stop smiling, okay?
- I don't believe it, it's all
in one piece, it really is.
Ah, Ems, come, have a look at
your flatmate in seventh grade.
- What the heck?
Did something crawl on
your forehead and die?
- I grew up next to a cow farm
and they gave us free milk.
Apparently they shot
up the cows with
so many growth hormones
that I grew a mustache.
- On your forehead?
- Oh, no, I had a
gross mustache, too.
- I actually can't believe
that you're telling
Zack all about this.
- I do applaud her honesty.
She's a very honest lass.
- Honesty.
- And I've now seen her at her
worst and I still love her.
So, to me, that's
a sign that this is
all leading somewhere.
- Oh, so sweet.
- Okay.
So, now that you've
shown him the bad
do you wanna show him the good?
- Our trip to Cabo?
- Bikinis?
Yes, please.
I would very much
like to see those.
- Quick.
Has she said anything
about her prank?
- Prank?
What's going on?
- Nothing?
I dunno.
- What?
Did he make a move on you?
- No, no, no.
We had a moment.
- A moment?
You had a moment?
Well, that was part of
the plan, wasn't it?
To make him believe that
you're falling for him, right?
Hold on!
You really like him, don't you?
- Maybe.
Oh, what am I gonna do?
- What do you mean
what are you gonna do?
Forget the prank and tell him.
- Think about it.
I fell for him but he's
just playing a role.
- How do you know that?
Maybe he feels the same.
Maybe he wants another moment.
- Okay, well, the
only to find out
if that's true is to ask him.
And if I ask him,
then it's over.
And then I fell for him, he's
not into it, and she wins.
- You do realize how
crazy you sound right now?
You're risking
possibility of losing
a real relationship for a joke.
That's absurd.
- And what are
you two talking about?
- Nothing.
I think my curiosity
just got the better of me
so I'm gonna look at this one.
Oh my!
Hello, I love ya
What's your name
Would you like to marry me
Hello, I love ya
What's your name
Would you like to marry me
You saw me there
sittin' across the room
Oh baby, why
don't you say hi
They say you can't
go sledding on ice
So baby, come
and watch me fly
Hello, I love ya
What's your name
Would you like to marry me
Hello, I love ya
What's your name
Would you like to marry me
So, you are a horrible singer,
but a great sport,
so full credit.
- So, I passed.
Although, I am a little
afraid of the remaining dates.
- Does that mean
you're quitting?
- Not a chance.
I have had more fun with you
than I've had my entire life.
- That's kinda sad, Andy.
- I don't think that's a shock
after everything
that I've told you.
- Product placement!
- Is something wrong?
- No, nothing, I just.
Have I told you how much I love
Snap Daddy's barbecue sauce?
I think you, uh.
I think I would've
remembered that.
- It is MSG-free.
It contains no high
fructose corn syrup.
Comes in three
delicious flavors.
And can be put on
hamburgers, hot dogs,
onion rings, and
of course, steak.
It's so good you
could slap yo mama.
- Are you hungry?
- No, I just sharin' info.
Christmas gift ideas and such.
- No, it's good.
I mean, I have a birthday
coming up so it's a good idea.
- Oh, well, have this one.
- It's still warm.
- All right, now move
that from there to there.
Andrew, come on in,
we're just about ready
to take a look at a rough
cut of episode four.
- Come on, where's
your sense of adventure?
So, are you excited?
- Wait, that's wrong.
- Sounds disgusting.
- What?
What's wrong?
- Oh, that last line.
That's from a totally different
part of the conversation.
It's out of context.
Putting it there
makes her look--
- It makes drama, Andrew.
That's what people want.
- We talked about this.
- We never said anything about
taking lines out of context.
- He probably
didn't say anything
because that's how all
reality shows are done.
- I forgot who
we're dealing with.
He's just a P.A.
- Oh yeah.
He's just a donut boy.
- Andrew, are you
saying that you have
a problem with how
we're editing your show?
- No.
No problem.
Sounds disgusting.
Happy, happy
Happy, happy
This is your birthday song
We hope to sing
it all day long
We are here to sing for you
And make your birthday
wish come true
Emma, happy birthday, girl
We are here to
rock your world
We are known as
The Singing Grumps
Get ready for
your birthday hug
- I can't believe you did that.
My birthday is forever tainted.
- All the more victorious.
- How did you even get
them to agree to that?
- It was disturbingly
easy, actually.
- Well, I guess they did cure
me of my hairy man aversion.
So, that's good.
- See?
I told you it might
change your mind.
- What are you doing?
- Are you serious?
That was totally
worth five points.
- Yeah, but you cheated.
You can only do
one prank at a time
and you just did two in a row.
So, you are disqualified
and I retain the lead.
- What are you talking about?
What other prank?
- Andy.
The dates.
had no id.
Nothing to do with Andy.
- Why would you think
Andy was my prank?
- Because he proposed to
me after like two seconds.
- Andy proposed to you?
- And I said he could
propose again after we dated.
- What?
Why would you do that?
- Because I thought
you were behind it!
Oh my gosh, Mandy,
what am I gonna do?
We're supposed to go out for
my birthday dinner tonight.
- Um, does he know
where you live?
- I didn't tell him.
I assumed he knew because you.
- So, it's simple.
Just avoid his calls
and he'll get the clue.
Unless you actually
like this guy.
- Are you kidding?
I mean, he's crazy, right?
But I don't wanna hurt
his feelings, you know.
- Oh, well, so
let him down easy.
- How do I do that?
- Easy, fake a disease.
There's hepatitis, mad cow.
Rabies works really well.
He'll run for the hills
and never look back.
- What?
- I mean, the way they're
editing the how together.
Emma's gonna look like a beast.
- My friend, they
are the hammer.
You're just one of
the little nails.
They represent everything
that Boom and I are against.
- I'm just gonna tell her.
End it.
- It won't be all you're ending.
They can burn you with every
single network in the nation.
- I mean, come on, dude,
what's the real reason?
- What do you mean?
- Well, obviously this is
more than just concern.
You really like Emma, like
for realsie real, right?
- Yeah.
- So, before you go
ruining your career
why don't you find out if she
for realsie real likes you?
- Words of wisdom
from a man who hasn't
had a girlfriend
since kindergarten.
Still, while Boom may not be
very good at getting women,
he's an expert at losing them.
- That is very true.
I actually wrote
a book about it.
It's called A Million
Ways To Hear Get Lost.
It's a pop-up book.
I don't know, Reel.
It's been three whole days.
Maybe she's not coming back.
- This is her
favorite lunch spot,
she's bound to come
back sooner or later.
- But what if Andy finds out?
- We're doing this for Andy.
Neither of us want him
to throw his career away
for some girl who doesn't
even care about him.
There she is.
- So, what's the plan?
- We test her loyalty.
- Ah.
But how?
- By offering her
forbidden fruit.
Well, hello there.
- I really gotta find a
different place to have lunch.
- Speaking of lunch, I
may not be on the menu
but I am the special.
- I believe you.
- I am Reel Man.
- You call yourself a real man?
- No, no.
Reel, Reel.
See, it's a reel?
Look, I sewed it on myself.
It's R-E, yeah.
I am the master of media.
The slayer of cinema.
The warrior of...
W, warrior.
- Work harder?
- Warrior of work harder.
No, that's terrible,
don't do this.
The question is: are you ready
to sample the main course?
- Gimme a second.
- Take all the time you need.
It's easy to be overwhelmed by
all of this.
- Emma?
- Zack.
Oh, here comes my boyfriend.
- Boyfriend, boyfriend?
- Yeah.
- Hi, love!
- Zack!
Come here.
- What is it, love?
- You're just in time
to see me grizzly mace
this guy's face off.
- Oh, come on, Emma.
We both know that you don't
actually have any mace in there.
All right?
So, you're the--
Oh, not the.
Worse than prom!
Worse than prom!
- Worse than prom.
- You make the most
interesting friends here,
don't you, love?
- Sweet Spielberg.
Oh, you are.
Oh, you had me.
Had the mace.
Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma,
Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma.
Emma, oh!
Code pepper!
Code pepper!
- Sorry I haven't called
you guys in awhile,
it's great to see you, though.
So, um, what's going on here?
- Andy, we need to
tell you something.
Andy, we need to
tell you something.
- Okay.
- We, well, you know,
me and Boom here.
Thank you.
We saw Emma with.
I don't wanna say it.
- Emma has a boyfriend.
- Wait, what?
- We saw them in the park today.
- See, we didn't want
you to lose your job
over a girl that may
not like you, so--
- I pretended to hit on her.
It did not go well.
Her boyfriend gave
me the stink eye.
- Yeah, then Emma
gave him the mace eye.
- I'm.
I'm sorry, man.
- Hey, at least you
still have the show.
- Maybe not.
She hasn't responded to my
calls or my texts for a week.
I guess now I know why.
- A boyfriend!
How many episodes do we have?
- Seven in the can.
I'm editing number
eight right now.
- We need 13 to make a season.
Can we stretch the footage?
Steal some footage, maybe
even animate some footage?
- Add B roll, two
part each state,
episodes aren't the problem.
- No, we need an ending.
- I've tried calling
her all week.
Short of stalking Emma
at work, I dunno how
to get ahold of her.
- Then you stalk her at work.
This is on you.
You beg, borrow,
steal if you have to.
But get another date with her.
Sonny, boy.
I need an ending.
- How did I feel when I found
out Emma has a boyfriend?
Hey, guys, can we cut?
Now it's time to
take off my mask
I don't have to pretend
every time people ask
When the lights go out
I'm alone with my thoughts
I'm still thinkin' 'bout
the one that I lost
This is me letting go
This is me moving on
I'm running in circles
And I don't even know
This is me moving on
This is me letting go
This is me letting go
Oh, me letting go
Letting go
- Sweet or spicy?
- I like the spicy.
- Emma just texted,
she wants to meet.
- That's great, what time?
- 5:00 today at the park.
- 5:00, 5:00.
Call Mike.
He's got a crew all ready.
Have them bring
the good cameras.
- Sure.
- What about my guys?
- You're guys?
No, they're a joke.
I need this perfect.
He's also got a check,
he's got the extra list.
In fact, call everybody.
And, Emma, regardless
of what she says or does
you can't lose her, I
can't afford that again.
You propose to her.
Get me my ending.
- Okay.
- And don't screw it up!
Spicy, huh?
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
I didn't know if that
was gonna happen again.
- I'm sorry about disappearing.
- Is everything all right?
- I don't know hot
to tell you this,
but I need to tell
you something.
- I.
I already know.
- You do?
- Yeah, a friend
of mine told me.
- Who?
- It doesn't matter.
But I understand.
I put you in a very
difficult position.
- I'm sorry that you
heard it that way.
I wanted you to hear it from me.
It's just, the way we
met was so strange.
- I just want what's
best for you, so.
- Thank you.
But I needed you to know that--
- Emma, um, before
you say anything.
I know that we have
only known each other
for a little while and
how we met was different,
but in the short time
that I have known you
I've seen how my life can be.
'Cause I thought
I was happy before
just moving through life,
ignoring everything and everyone.
But now I see how important
people are in my life.
And more importantly,
how wonderful it is
to have someone to
love in my life.
I don't wanna go to the
movies alone anymore.
I don't wanna eat alone,
I don't wanna be alone.
I wanna be with you for
the rest of my life.
Emma Rose Granite,
will you marry me?
- Yes.
- What?
- Yes.
- Congratulations, Emma.
You've been a contestant
on a new reality show
called Hello, I Love You.
- What's going on?
I don't--
- Emma, I need to
explain something, just--
- This is a reality
series based on
the question whether
or not there's such
thing as love at first sight.
We've been following
you two love birds
for the past two months,
recording your conversations
and your dates.
And just for your participation,
you've won $10,000!
- Congratulations, Emma!
- What do you think
about that?
- You knew about this?
- Knew about it?
This was all Andrew's idea.
- So it was all fake?
This whole time?
- Just.
Emma, don't!
- Congratulations, Andrew.
In a little over two
months you were able
to get a complete stranger
to fall in love with you
to the point where she
accepted your proposal.
How do you feel about that?
- I.
- Andrew, you gotta go faster,
you can't take as
much time, man.
All right?
Smile more and say something
positive about Emma.
Say she's excited, she's
overwhelmed with joy.
Crap like that.
- Yeah.
- We'll do a few different
takes, all right?
Okay, guys, get ready.
In three, two.
So, Andrew, how do
you feel about that?
- I had a good time.
Emma is a great girl and
I think she's really happy
about the $10,000.
Even though the
proposal was not real,
I think that we are
going to be friends.
Good friends.
- So, there you have it, folks.
A happy ending for
a fairytale romance.
Thank you for watching
Hello, I Love You
and remember, the next
time a stranger asks
you to marry him,
think about it.
It might just be worth
your while to say yes.
Well, that went all right.
So, let's get a few
other takes while
we got our extras here just
to cover our butts, okay?
And bring in the Emma stand-in.
Where is she?
- A game show?
- No, it was like one of
those cheesy reality TV shows.
- But you love those shows.
- I didn't ask to be on one.
- Emma, you're looking
at this the wrong way.
There are major upsides.
- Upsides?
- Yeah, I mean, first off,
you're gonna be on TV.
- Looking like a
love-sick idiot.
Falling for any guy
that just walks by.
- There's that.
But you said they're
gonna pay you $10,000.
How are you not exploding
with joy about all this?
- Because it was
just a job to him.
He doesn't even care about me.
- Are you sure?
- You weren't there.
When the cameras came
out and the host stuck
the mic in my face he just
stood there and he just watched.
It was all his idea.
Everything that he said
to me and everything
that we did together
was just a lie.
- But do I regret
creating the show?
I never would've
met Emma and I'd be
that same myopic idiot
obliviously trudging
through life ignoring
what's important.
Like things like
friendship and just taking
a break to enjoy life.
And I never would've
fallen in love with Emma.
So the answer is no.
I don't regret it.
I felt in my bones over time
My heart beats
to make you smile
For a little while
With the beat of the drum
Tap your foot and hum along
You're the reason I've
been singing for so long
And I'll be one step closer
if you give me your hand
And the sun will
shine brighter
I'll love you till the end
Never wanted so
badly for someone
To love me back
If heaven's not
a place on Earth
Where am I with you
If I can't be by your
side then what could I do
If heaven's not
a place on Earth
Then where am I with you
If the love is not
what it's worth
Then what's the use
'Cause I can't mend,
I can't pretend
I can't spend
another night just
Staring at the moon
Lost without you
If heaven's not a place
on Earth where am I with you
If the love's not
what it's worth
Then what's the use
'Cause I can't mend,
I can't pretend
I can't spend
another night just
Staring at the moon
I'm lost without you
- No, it's the name of a drink!
Andrew, come on in.
We have a problem.
- You screwed up, champ.
Now you gotta go fix it.
- What's the problem?
- Well, the problem is
we don't have a show
unless your girlfriend
signs these forms
that allow us to use
her voice and her image.
- She took off before we could
get her to sign the contract.
Needless to say, we don't
have a show without Emma.
- And this is my problem how?
- Well, you're gonna help us
get her to sign these forms.
- How am I supposed to do that?
She won't answer my calls.
- I got her on the phone.
- $20,000 got her on the phone.
- 20?
- Yeah, I had to raise my offer.
But she won't sign anything
until she talks to you.
- We did half your
job, now it's up to you
to push her the rest of the way.
Remind her she doesn't see
a penny until she signs.
- I'll do my best.
- Do better.
She's in Mike's office waiting.
- Go get him, sport.
- Do not touch me again.
Now this one has
to be the most--
- Awkward.
Yes, by far.
- Look, um.
For what it's worth, I'm
sorry about all of this.
- Seems like it's worth 20
grand, so how can I complain?
Heck, a whole pile of money
for a couple months work.
It's not bad.
- This isn't how this
is supposed to go.
I really care about you--
- No.
I mean, it's a great
idea for a show.
You find a naive girl, make
her fall in love with you,
propose, she says
yes, cameras bust out,
she forgets all about you
and she sees the giant check.
- Is that what happened?
- I'm here, aren't I?
Ready to sign on
the dotted line.
It wouldn't work between
us, you know, you and I.
How we met.
It's just too weird.
- This
probably doesn't
even matter, but,
I wanted you to know
everything I told you
about myself was real.
- Well, then it wasn't
a total waste of time.
I get the money
and you finally get
what you've been waiting
your whole life for.
More than anything or
anyone, you get your career.
- Wait.
Before you sign that,
you need to know
the way they are
editing this together,
they're moving things
around to create drama.
It makes you look like
not a very nice person.
You need to ask yourself if
this money is really worth it.
What I said when I proposed.
That didn't come from a script.
- Oh, I am very very happy.
- Well, here's a bonus.
I quit.
- Well, you can't quit
'cause you're fired.
- I honestly don't care.
- Oh, I think you
do care, Andrew.
Not only did you
lose a TV series,
but you lost every
opportunity to ever
work in this business again.
- There's only one thing
I regret losing today
and it isn't this stupid job.
- The kind of
trouble you're in.
- Hello?
Sure, no problem.
Well, I'm kind of in the
middle of something right now
but I can come in a few hours.
- Hey, Andy, you look good.
- You too.
I am here to see--
- Yeah, they're
in the board room.
- Oh, the life of a worm just
doesn't seem as interesting.
Andrew, Andrew!
Welcome, my Andrew's here!
- Yeah.
- Oh, my boy, I'm so sorry about
my actions a few weeks ago.
I was under stress.
Well, you understand,
you're a producer.
Stress can make you do
a lot of crazy things,
say stuff you don't mean.
- Oh, so you didn't mean to
fire me after I already quit?
- Why would I fire the
guy that brought in
the highest tested
show we've ever seen?
- Highest, really?
- It's testing through the roof.
It's guaranteed to be
on the Fall season.
I couldn't be happier.
- Wow, that is just fantastic.
- And that's why I'm prepared
to offer you this contract.
It's a one year contract,
everything you want;
higher pay, producer credit,
even your own corner office.
No more sitting next to that
big behemoth trying to work.
And I don't mean
the copy machine.
- Oh, you're referring to Peggy.
Good one.
- Look, all kidding
aside, I need you, buddy.
- Oh, you need me?
- Yeah, look at these bozos.
Worthless, all of them.
- I see there's an image
release form in this contract.
- Just in case you wanna
be on camera again.
- And the image release
form is retroactive.
- Well, that's the
legal department.
I don't know
anything about that.
- But isn't this the
whole reason why I'm here?
When you hired me as
a production assistant
it didn't include an
image release form.
Why would it?
And then you failed
to have me sign one
when you made me
the show's host.
Major oversight.
Therefore, you can't use
a single frame of footage
with me in it which makes
this entire show worthless
unless I sign an
image release form.
- So you knew all along?
- Of course.
I'm just surprised it took you
two weeks to figure it out.
You being the head of the
production studio, and all.
- Are you gonna sign it?
- I don't know.
I mean, it doesn't seem like
a good deal for a producer.
- What do you want?
- Just a couple of things.
First, I would like
you to fire Mike.
- Done.
- Are you serious right now?
- What else?
- It feels a little
uncouth to talk about money
in front of everyone, so I'm
just gonna write in a number.
- Fine, if it's reasonable
I'll sign off on it.
- Uh, last, I really
hate being called Andrew.
Unless it's my parents, it
drives me absolutely crazy.
So, from now on, I'm Andy.
- Fine, Andy it is.
- I'm sorry, I can't sign this.
Not without a pen.
- All right.
You're a smart man, Andy.
I didn't give you enough credit.
- Do you all see how
little he cares about you?
How worthless you
all are to him?
He just fired Mike
without a second thought.
How long before that
happens to you, Belinda?
Or you, Bob?
Or any of you, all of you?
He just doesn't care.
And why?
Because he has you all convinced
that he doesn't need you.
When in reality, he needs
you more than you need him.
- What are you doing?
- You really think I'd
work for you again?
And I may have
lost Emma already,
but I would never
let you broadcast
a show that makes
a fool out of her.
- If you don't sign that
paper, Emma gets nothing.
- She already signed the
release, you gave her the check.
You lost.
- You know, I wasn't
gonna do this,
but it didn't take me
two weeks to realize
you didn't sign the
talent release form.
But it did take legal
two weeks to realize
a loophole in Emma's contract.
- What loophole?
- If the show doesn't get
aired, the footage isn't used.
Without footage, no show.
What am I paying Emma for?
- You can't do that.
- Oh, I assure you I can.
She's gonna pay me back
every penny or I'll sue her.
You should've signed the
first contract when you
had a chance, this is a
standard image release contract.
No pay raise, no corner
office, no producer credit,
and I'm keeping Mike
just to annoy you.
Once again, Andrew,
you lost everything.
Now pass that back over to me
and get out of my building.
- I can't let you do that, Andy.
- What are you doing?
- Emma can't get in trouble.
- What?
- Think about
your career, Mike.
- Baggins told Emma
that not only was
he gonna fire you,
but he made up a bunch
of legal stuff to scare her.
That's how he got her here.
- Oh, you're both
finished in this business.
I'll make sure you guys never
work again.
- Emma tore up the check,
Andy, she didn't
care about the money.
She did it thinking
she was saving you.
- Thanks, Mike.
Sorry about the job.
- I think it's time
for a vacation anyway.
I've always wanted to go to
Paris and get some culture.
- I've always wanted
to go the Eiffel Tower.
- Sounds good to me.
- Can I come?
- Why not?
Anyone else?
My treat.
Consider it severance
pay, I guess.
- If anybody leaves
this room, you're fired.
- Too late again, Baggins.
Looks like everyone
already quit.
- Hey, Andy,
how you been, bud?
It's been awhile.
- Yeah, well,
it's good to hear from you.
What's going on?
- We have a
couple surprises for ya.
- Wait
until you hear this.
It's mind exploding.
Like brain oozing out of
your eye socket amazing.
Like tongue shooting
out of your nose and--
- Boom, come on, man.
That's super graphic.
You really need to cut down
on those slasher films.
- Sorry.
- Okay,
so check this out.
We get a call from
jerk Mike, right?
He apologizes for the
way he treated everyone
and says he has an
idea for a show.
- A show for us!
- It's a weekly
film and DVD review.
- Like fricken'
Siskel and Ebert kinda stuff.
I mean, get this.
It's called The Fantastic
Friends Film Forum and Stuff.
- We're still
workin' on the name.
- No, no, no, I actually, I
think that's a perfect title.
guys, that's awesome.
- That's not all.
Baggins got fired.
- Really?
- The dude
took credit for your show
and when it didn't happen,
the production studio
lost a ton of money
on the deal they made
with a major network.
And when all of his staff
quit, that was the last straw.
- Long story
short, Mike took Baggins' job.
He hired everyone back.
Now, he wants you
to take his old job.
- Um.
That's amazing, really.
I mean, you guys'll
have a forum that
you can influence
people's film choices
which is what you've
always wanted.
I'm very happy for you.
Just not sure if that's what
I want for myself right now.
Tell Mike that I said
thank you, though.
- What
are you gonna do?
- I have no idea.
No set plans.
I'm gonna be
traveling somewhere.
No career to worry about,
just me, my thoughts,
and a beach or a mountain
or a museum or something.
- Wow.
- I don't know for
sure and I love it.
- Can I come?
- Have you
tried calling Emma?
- She blocked my
number a long time ago
and I have no idea
where she lives, so.
- Nah,
it's okay, man.
Could always go back to
the park, ask another girl.
- Why
would he do that?
- What?
It worked before.
- You.
Have a good trip.
Call us when you get back.
- I will.
Thanks, guys.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Mind if I sit?
- Um.
Do I know you?
- Not yet.
My name is Emma.
Emma Granite.
- That's a lovely name.
My name is Man Who Stares
At Beautiful Woman.
- That's an odd name,
but I really like it.
- It's a Knuckleheadese for
I am very glad to see you
and I am sorry.
And I love you.
- What a coincidence.
Because Emma means the exact
same thing in Moronese.
- You must have the
world's smartest parents.
- I was gonna say
the same to you.
- Oh, you'd be wrong.
- I do have to ask you
one question, though.
- Okay.
- Will you go on a
series of dates with me,
and if all goes well
get down on one knee
and propose to me again?
- Let's see the goods.
- The goods?
- I mean, if I'm gonna do this
I'm gonna need to
see the merchandise.
- Okay.
- Give me a spin.
- A spin?
- Oh, way too fast.
I need to see what
I am investing
my time and potential future in.
Give me another one but go slow.
Yeah, that'll work.
- Good, 'cause it's all
you're gonna get for now.
I hear you're leaving town.
- And how
did you know that?
- Bumped into some
strange guys in capes
when I was lookin' for
you at the network.
Did you really quit?
- Well, this
beautiful girl once told me
that I missed out on a lot
of really fun stuff over
the years so I decided
I'd make up for lost time.
- She sounds
like a smart girl.
- I used to
think so, but apparently
she tore up a check for $20,000
just to save this loser
guy she was in love with.
- I can't
believe she did that.
- I know, right?
- I wonder if
it's too late for her
to get that check back.
Don't worry, I got
a promotion at work.
Had a nice signing bonus.
I can be your sugar mama.
- Sweet.
I've always wanted one of those.
But I think I'll be fine,
I have a little saved up.
- How much is a little?
- A little over $200,000.
- You have $200,000?
- Been working
since I was five.
Didn't hang out with friends,
didn't date, lived at home.
- I'm starting to get
some really great date ideas.
- Like Hawaii,
London, Greece?
- Don't you think we
should save for the honeymoon?
- I do.
- I do, too.
Hello, I love ya
What's your name
Would you like to marry me
Hello, I love ya
What's your name
Would you like to marry me
You saw me here
sitting across the room
Oh, baby, why
didn't you say hi
They say you can
go sledding on ice
Oh, baby, come
and watch me fly
Hello, I love ya
What's your name
Would you like to marry me
Hello, I love ya
What's your name
Would you like to marry me
When I woke up at
a quarter to three
I couldn't get
you out of my mind
I grabbed my phone
and I saw you there
This love, I thought
I'd never find
Hello, I love ya
What's your name
Would you like to marry me
Hello, I love ya
What's your name
Would you like to marry me
We walked around the avenues
Are you sure we
met just yesterday
We sat real close and
you touched my leg
Oh, man, let's
do this every day
Hello, I love ya
What's your name
Would you like to marry me
Hello, I love ya
What's your name
Would you like to marry me