Hello Ladies: The Movie (2014) Movie Script

Hello, ladies. Hi, my name's Stuart.
- My good friend Wade right here.
- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Ashleigh.
- Hi.
- This is Mel.
- How's it going?
- How's your night going?
- Good.
Someone just mistook her for Mila Kunis.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yes, you do look like Mila, doesn't she?
- Yeah.
- And you look like someone famous as well.
- Really?
- Yeah, who is it?
- I know who it is.
- It's a movie star, isn't it?
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's Jude Law.
- Jude Law.
He's a man.
Beautiful man, though, isn't he?
- Gorgeous Jude.
- Definitely.
Hey, if Jude Law were
a woman, I'd date him.
There you go. Now, this guy's choosy.
You should see his ex-wife... beautiful.
- Sorry.
- Oh, don't worry.
Honestly, they'd be
lucky to have you, mate.
- I'm just pleased you're back on the horse.
- Yeah.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Oh, man, we're all so old.
- Ugh.
You're 30 and I'm turning 26 next year.
- Yup, both of us. So old.
- Yeah.
- So how are you?
- Oh, I'm really good.
Yeah, I just booked a part in the
new Steven Spielberg miniseries.
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.
- Congratulations. Wow.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, what about you?
- Oh, you know, just this and that.
Don't be modest. She has a
callback for a yogurt commercial.
- Yeah?
- Cool.
I love yogurt.
Oh, yeah, it's good for digestion.
Can I just say how much I love your dress?
Yes, you said that when
you hit on me an hour ago.
Oh, did I...
- And no change in the last hour?
- No.
- No, all right.
- You're not drinking tonight?
- I have a surprise for you guys.
- What?
We're having a baby.
- You wanna see a picture?
- Yeah.
- Oh, it's gorgeous.
- Thank you.
- It's so pretty.
- You know, it looks just like you.
Oh, really? Thank you.
- Oh, yeah. Wow.
- Oh.
- Be your turn next.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- I don't think so.
- We always use protection.
- You know the singer Bryan Adams,
right? - Yeah.
Did you know he can make
a girl come in 30 seconds?
- Ohh. - No, no. No one can make
a girl come in 30 seconds.
Oh, really? So you don't
want to know how he does it?
- Well, I will as I'm here.
- It's all in the fingers.
How do you know Bryan
Adams' fingering technique?
So a lot of people have been
coming up to me and saying, like,
"So what's the deal with you and Glenn?"
- Have they?
- Yeah.
- What do you say when people ask you that?
- Nobody asked me that.
Well, yeah, but, I mean, if
they did, what would you say?
I'd tell them to mind their own business.
Well, okay, yeah, but hypothetically,
if they made you answer,
what would you say?
- How would they make me? - If they
had a knife to your throat or something?
- I don't know.
- I'd rather go to the grave
than give them the
satisfaction of intimidating me.
Good for you.
Happy birthday.
- Yeah.
- Here we go.
- Did you make a wish? - No, I'm not
wishing for you to have a threesome, Stuart.
- You're so selfish.
- Hello?
- Hello, Stuey?
- Yeah, who's this?
- It's Trudy.
Guess what, I'm coming to Los Angeles.
Just a little boy
lost looking for a lamb
In the all-night city
Living in his lonely limousine
And though he never has to worry
He's the only one and only one
He's ever gonna need
Absolutely, he's in definite need
Ooh, maybe we've
been alone too long
You don't want to be lonely
Maybe we've been alone too long
You don't want to be lonely.
Okay, we're set.
And action.
- You're enjoying the yogurt.
- Mm.
Okay, could you do that sexier?
- Mm.
- No, sexier.
- Are you doing your sexy?
- Mm-hmm.
- That's your sexy?
- Yeah.
Okay, we're gonna leave the sexy for now.
- Ahem.
- Okay.
We're gonna have this
cartoon yogurt monster
and he's gonna chase you around
and try to steal your yogurt.
Can we show her the picture of Yogi?
This is the yogurt monster.
Okay, so imagine that
Yogi is standing behind you
and you're scared.
Okay, you're not that
scared. He's not a rapist.
Once again, please.
- Ahh.
- That's better.
He's come after you now and you're running.
- Oh, ah.
- Yeah, gotta run, gotta run from Yogi.
- Ah, whoa.
- Just keep going in a circle.
You're trying to sort of confuse him.
Kind of confuse the monster.
- Please go faster. Is that...
- Okay.
Is that really all you can do there?
- I just want to see a real amount
of speed here. - Yeah.
- And now you've fallen over.
- Oh.
There you go.
And he's coming up and...
oh, no, he's got your yogurt.
And you are furious about this and
you're shaking your fist at him.
Oh, Yogi.
No speaking. There's no dialog in this.
It's very important that you never speak.
Let's have you on your back and
sort of kick your legs up in the air.
Like a cockroach.
If you saw a disgusting cockroach,
you sprayed it with bug spray, and
now it's on its back just slowly dying.
Yup, just like a dirty,
little cockroach. There you go.
This is Glenn.
- Hey, Glenn. It's Stuart.
- Chicken Wings.
What's going on, buddy?
Oh, I'll tell you, mate, I'm
afraid I've come a-begging.
Got quite an important date coming up
and I need a super hot
chick to take with me.
I wondered if you had any sweet-ass
honeys you could send my way.
- Yeah, I can get you a prostitute.
- Mm.
No, no. I was thinking
more a friend or a client.
- Relative.
- Yeah.
I don't know if you have a sister,
but if she's half as attractive
as you, I'd be interested.
- I'm an only child.
- Damn.
- That's a no.
- Do you know Alan Randall?
- No.
- Yes.
- Who... yeah.
- Yeah, no, we...
- no, wait, no.
- Not sure I do.
Bigwig in finance. He's a great guy.
He's having a boat party this Saturday.
Wall-to-wall models and bottles.
I could probably get you an invite.
You've intrigued me, sir.
- Our interests are piqued, sir.
- You can put my name on the list.
- Hey, your roommate just showed up.
- Oh, hey, Jessica.
- Hi, Jessica.
- Hi, Rory.
- Hi, Stuart.
- Got to jump off.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Boat party.
Sorry, you know you're not coming?
- I know, I just love that song.
- Oh.
- Who sings that?
- I just made it up.
- You just made that up?
- Yeah.
That's... are you... that's one of
the best songs I've ever heard.
- What?
- Yeah. That should be on the radio.
- Oh, really? Thanks.
- Yeah, it's great.
Boat party, boat party.
I came to L.A. to be Meryl Streep,
not to get chased around by
some stupid yogurt monster.
Well, you don't become
Meryl Streep overnight.
I've been here for 10 years.
Acting just doesn't make me happy anymore.
Constantly being judged and competing
with 100 other girls
for some three-line role.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm quitting.
Just... let's take a beat.
Come here.
Are you texting?
No. It's just a quick e-mail.
You know, I'm not sure I want this either.
I'm not even sure I know what this is.
- This is just two people...
- Having fun.
Yeah, I got it.
Glenn, can you just be
honest with me for once?
Is this ever gonna be a real relationship?
I can definitely
foresee a time when we
could approach the prospect
of that being an eventuality.
Good-bye, Glenn.
- Wait a sec...
- And I really am quitting acting,
so also, you're fired.
Wha... Jessica, come on.
- So what are you gonna do instead
of acting? - I have no idea.
- What does Glenn think?
- I don't care. I broke up with him.
- Why?
- Because he's an asshole.
I am looking for the one.
And the one doesn't just call
you when he's feeling horny.
- Okay, I know what you're thinking.
- What?
You're wondering if you can
still hang out with Glenn.
How can you say that? That's...
my allegiance is to you.
Come on.
Although he was gonna take me
to a boat party over the weekend.
- Oh, Stuart, you are unbelievable.
- Oh, come on.
No, no, no. Stop. There's
going to be models there.
There's going to be models there.
What is your obsession with models?
I need to date a model
within the next three weeks.
Or what happens? Do the kidnappers
kill the president's daughter?
All right, if I tell you,
you can't tell anyone else.
Oh, who would I tell? Who's
interested in your sex life?
- Loads of people.
- Oh, yeah? Name three.
Kives, my parents,
the computer world.
- They're really interested? - Yes, they're
very... it's a very gossipy environment.
- Wow. - Because they've got
nothing else to live for, have they?
Just nerds. Nerds going, "I wonder
who Stuart's having sex with?"
Well, listen, all right, I'll tell you.
I used to be kind of
awkward when I was at school
and never really knew how to talk to girls.
Even if a girl did talk to me,
it was normally just to fill the time
until someone better came along.
Then at college, it was
pretty much the same story.
- Ooh, hang on.
- Who's next?
I'll have a go, yeah.
I'd do anything
to impress some random girl
that I didn't even know the name of.
After college, I got a
job at an I.T. company
and I met this girl there.
Her name was Trudy and
we started going out.
And Trudy was great.
She was really sweet and smart
and we were just sort of
in tune with each other.
Like this salesman, Mike
Moffet, joined the company...
total alpha male, loud and brash.
You know, all the rest of it.
Trudy and I used to laugh
about what a dick he was.
And then, I remember, about three
months after Mike joined the company...
Oh, sorry.
So sorry.
That's when I decided
to move here, you know?
Reinvent myself.
Stuart 2.0.
Hello, ladies. My name's Stuart.
With me, my good friend Wade.
Hello, ladies. Pleasure. Wade.
Hi, pleasure. Wade. Nice to meet you.
- Are you...
- Stuart, Stuart!
I got it, I got it.
So what happened to Mike and Trudy?
They got married
and I haven't seen them since I came here.
But Trudy called me when
we were at your birthday
and they're coming out
here in about three weeks.
Well, how does the model help?
'Cause I want them to see me with a
beautiful woman on my arm, you know?
I want Mike to be really jealous
and I want Trudy to go back thinking
she should never have let me go.
I want them to think that I've won at life.
Well, you may hang out with Glenn.
And I hope you find
what you're looking for.
- And I hope you find what you're
looking for. - Thank you.
- To Jessica 2.0.
- Jessica 2.0.
Feel the heat
Burning you up
Ready or not
Some like it hot and some
sweat when the heat is on
Some feel the heat and
decide that they can't go on
Some like it hot...
- So how you holding up?
- With what?
You know, with you and Jessica.
Oh, yeah. That was too bad.
She really knows her way around a penis.
I want to introduce you to Alan.
Don't look him directly in
the eye. He's weird about that.
Alan, I want to introduce
you to a friend of mine.
This is Stuart.
Honor and a pleasure to meet you, sir.
I brought you this gift.
- I don't want that.
- A thousand apologies.
Alan, these are some of my
friends. This is Madison.
- Madison, pleasure to meet you.
- Hi.
- Jasmine.
- Jasmine, delighted.
And Joan.
- How's it going?
- Meet you guys at the bar.
I thought we said we were
going to make it all 10s.
That last one was, what, six?
Yeah, sorry.
Go on, boys. Have some fun.
Don't flush your condoms.
It fucks up the plumbing.
I guess I feel adrift.
I've spent 10 years telling
everyone I'm an actress
and now that I'm not,
I don't know what I am.
Or what my purpose in life is.
What led you away from
the church to begin with?
Oh, well, I remember when I was a kid,
I asked the pastor how
Jesus rose from the dead...
like, physically, how could he do that?
And he sort of just dodged the question.
And that frustrated me.
Well, sometimes we ask
questions when we're young
only to find the answers when we're older.
So how did he rise from the dead?
He just did.
Is there any other questions I can answer?
No, I'm good.
You got me in the
belly of your beast
Hope you spare me...
- Do you shave your testes?
- Every day.
And what is that, is that a wet shave?
- Hi, Glenn.
- Hey, baby.
Stop the presses.
- Blimey, who's that?
- Tatiana Ludnova.
- Come on, I'll introduce you.
- Hang on.
That's the big leagues.
Got any words of advice you could give?
All right, first off, Google her.
- Right. Why...
- Got to get intel.
Check her Instagram.
Her with her dogs.
Skiing at New Year.
- You're all set.
- Am I?
When you start talking to her,
there's three things you need to do...
one, establish a connection,
two, break the touch barrier, and
three, sexualize the conversation.
And four, don't be a pussy.
Connection, touch,
sexualize, pussy. I've got it.
- Hey, Tatiana, you like dogs, right?
- Yes.
- My buddy Stuart loves dogs.
- Woof.
You two should talk.
Connection established,
break the touch barrier.
- Nice to meet you.
- You, too.
Yes, dogs.
When you went skiing at New Year,
what do you do, do you
put them in kennels or...
How do you know I went skiing on New Year?
I think I just guessed.
- Or maybe you're psychic.
- No, there's no such thing.
- Well, I'm psychic.
- Are you really?
There must be some truth
to it. There has to be.
- Absolutely.
- Right.
- One time my father was flying to Omsk...
- Oh, yeah?
...I had a dream that
his plane would crash.
So my father didn't fly.
The next week, the same flight crashed.
Fuck off. That's terrifying.
Oh, my God. Jeez, you
must be... are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
I mean, it's basically
a jewelry line for men.
But my main thing is an actor,
- but everybody says that out here, right?
- Yeah, totally.
I actually just gave up acting.
Oh, no way. What do you do now?
- That's a good question.
- Thank you.
Yeah, just, um, trying
to figure it out, I guess.
- Yeah. - You know, I actually
went to church earlier.
- But, eh, I don't really think
that's for me. - I totally feel you.
You know, I tried
Christianity, I tried Buddhism.
Fucked around with Islam for a little bit,
but organized religion, man, not for me.
But I am very spiritual.
- I just feel like everything happens
for a reason. - Oh.
- Yeah.
- Even this party happened for a reason?
- Yeah.
- Well, what about something like 9/11?
No. No, not 9/11.
9/11 didn't even happen
the way they said it did.
There's a whole YouTube
video on it. It's amazing.
Speaking of YouTube, have you seen the
video of the pig waking up from a dream?
- No, I don't think so.
- Amazing.
Glenn, sorry to interrupt.
I broke the touch barrier, what was next?
Sexualize the conversation.
How do I do that exactly?
Just find a subtle way to
bring sex into the equation.
Pardon me.
Oh, yeah.
Don't you just love the ocean?
Yes, I do.
Very much.
Did you know that Bryan Adams can
make a woman come in 30 seconds?
- What?
- Sorry, it's just something I heard.
- How? - It's all to do with
the fingers, apparently.
Tell me more.
- I love your hair.
- Hmm.
- May I touch it?
- Okay.
It's beautiful.
These layers are so smooth and silky.
Okay. Thank you.
- So... so nice talking with you.
- You, too.
- Yeah.
- Hey, let me get your digis.
- Um...
- Yeah, we should keep conversing.
- This is amazing.
- Ooh.
You know what? Why don't you
just pop it right in here?
- There you go.
- Thank you.
And I'll call you right now
just so you have my number.
- Oh, no. That's not necessary.
- It's easier.
Eh, you don't need to do that.
And then this one's sort of
doing a come-hither motion.
And then you sort of combine...
sorry, excuse me one sec.
- Hello?
- Well, that's weird.
Just called England.
Ugh, Verizon, right?
Well, you have my number,
- so, yeah.
- Okay.
If I ever meet the person
who invented high heels,
I'm taking them outside and shooting them.
Oh, yeah, definitely. Fucking fascist.
Yup, gotta stay hydrated.
Cheers to that.
- You know, if you want to kiss me, you can.
- Pardon?
If you want to kiss me, you can.
I would like to. Please.
- Let me finish this e-mail.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Ready now?
- Yes.
I need somebody
Somebody like you
Everybody needs somebody
Oh, yeah
I need somebody
Hey, what about you?
We all need somebody...
We made out for 20 minutes.
Oh, just a little FYI...
Russian models kiss just like you and I.
You know your kids are gonna be bilingual?
She was probably feeling seasick.
There's no way that you
see this girl on dry land.
Wrong again because I asked her,
"Would you like to double-date
when Mike and Trudy come into town?"
- And she said, "Da."
- Yeah.
- Wait, what does that mean?
- It means yes in Russian.
Whoa, yes.
You found your
model. This is great.
Thanks, yeah.
By the way, on the subject of dating,
why do I keep getting calls
from a bloke asking you out?
Oh, yeah. Pig dream. Oh, he was cute.
I don't have time to waste on the
wrong guy who's not gonna be the one.
- I think we would've been happier
in the Middle Ages. -
'Cause in those days, you didn't go on
multiple dates looking for the one, you know?
You just married the only person
in the village who was single
and hadn't died of plague yet.
- You know?
- Yeah.
Impressive combat report, Lieutenant.
No wonder Cutter depends on you.
How much are they paying you
to betray your country, McAdams?
Oh, my God. Well, I can't believe my luck.
Is this that film you did?
What's it called, "White Venom"?
No, it's "White Venom 2: Cutter's Revenge."
Oh, yeah. Of course.
Where is Frank Cutter?
He's somewhere in between
fuck you and go fuck yourself.
- I don't want to watch this.
- Oh, no, come on. It's good.
- Turn it off. No, it's stupid. Turn it off.
- No, it's good.
- Is this the scene where you get
your boobs out? - No, stop it.
- It is, isn't it?
- Just turn it off. Turn it off.
- Come on, stop it.
- I can't believe it.
- I can't believe it.
- Come on.
Stop. Please.
- No.
- No.
Well done, madam.
I can see why Lieutenant
Cutter admires you so much.
Shut up.
I told Carol you were
thinking about making a career switch
and it might be a good
idea for you two to sit down
and talk about some potential
openings that we have here.
Thank you so much for seeing me.
- Yeah, Wade's been singing your praises.
- Aww.
Well, first off, your previous employment.
Yes, um, actress.
And before that?
Uh, for a while,
I worked in information distribution.
- Mm.
- And what is information distribution?
It is...
the delivery...
of news...
in paper form
to consumers of all ages.
- You delivered newspapers?
- Yes, I did.
And I could ride my
bike faster than anyone.
Um, what about any special skills?
Uh, well, fencing.
Um, tap dancing.
Pretty good at that one.
And juggling...
I'm great at.
Uh, our most likely position
is in the call center.
So I'm not sure any of those
skills would really apply.
Well, I'm sure I would be juggling calls.
Put down "sense of humor" on that.
- Good energy.
- Yeah.
Um, can you talk about your,
um, educational background?
The usual.
High school diploma, et cetera.
High school diploma.
Bachelor's degree in what?
I can't believe that I am
renting to a college dropout.
A lot of really successful
people dropped out of college.
Yeah, did they? Name three.
- Bill Gates.
- Right, yeah, Gates, yeah.
- The Facebook guy.
- The Facebook guy, right.
- What's his name?
- Jesse Eisenberg.
And the Olsen twins, so that's four.
- I stand corrected.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, well, we'll deal with
your career crisis another time, okay?
'Cause I've got my guests
arriving any second,
so if you don't mind skedaddling
back to the guesthouse.
Well, I hope it goes well.
I might have a little trouble paying the
rent this month, but have a fun night.
- What's that? Pardon me?
- Hmm?
- What did you say?
- Oh, I said have a fun night.
No, before that.
I might be a little behind on
the rent while I'm finding myself.
- This is not over.
- Okay.
- Where should I hide? Where should I go?
- What?
- Where should I hide?
- You don't need to hide. It's fine.
Just do that little thing
that we talked about.
Oh, I got you.
- Welcome to Hollywood.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- It's been such a long time.
- I know. Great to see you. You look
wonderful. - Thank you.
There he is. Bloody
hell, you're still tall.
- I am, I am.
- Fuck me.
- How are you?
- Me, I'm great.
- Yeah?
- I'm great, thank you, yeah.
What can I say? Living the dream, you know?
Wake up every day, the sun's shining.
See, I think I'd get bored of that.
I'd miss the seasons too much.
And I'd be worried about the skin cancer.
Uh, glass of champagne?
- Oh, please.
- There we are.
Actually, I'd prefer a beer,
mate, if you've got one.
Okay, um, Budweiser okay?
Have you got any British beers?
Newcastle Brown Ale?
Nah, I'd love that Budweiser.
- Here we go.
- Cheers.
Hi, I'm Rory, Stuart's
assistant. Sorry to interrupt.
- Nah, don't worry about it.
- Stuart, I just heard back from Tokyo.
- They love the designs.
- Great.
- I finished my coding, I just need
you to sign off. - No problem, yeah.
Oh, this is great work
you've done under my tutelage.
Um, can I make one suggestion?
- I'd change this from Objective-C to Xcode.
- Of course.
That makes it both more
efficient and user-friendly.
- Guess so.
- Should I work late and update this?
No, it's Saturday night. Get out
there, have some fun, all right?
And take this extra $100 bill on me.
Whoa, $100? You're the best boss.
Oh, don't worry. Get
out of here, you scamp.
- Nice to meet you.
- Bye.
Oh, good kid. Good kid.
- Stuart, I love your house.
- Thank you.
They're not very well-made, though,
are they? These California homes?
They're just sort of bits of
woods with plasterboard stuck on.
- We actually just moved into this
Victorian terrace. - Oh, yeah?
It's brick-built, so it's really solid.
- And sturdy, isn't it?
- Mm-hmm.
Do you ever get lonely
living here all by yourself?
I'm sort of rather ashamed to say it,
but I'm very rarely alone.
'Cause since I last saw you,
I'm gaining something of a
reputation as a ladies' man.
Flying solo tonight, though, right, mate?
No, no, no, mate. You'll meet
my current squeeze shortly.
She tends to be a bit sloppy
with the on-time keeping, though,
because she's a professional model.
Sorry, mate, you're seeing a model?
I am indeed. I am indeed, yeah.
- In fact, let me just... give me two ticks.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hello?
- Hey, you, it's Stuart.
- Oh, hi, stranger.
- How's it going?
Just wanted to check that you got
that text with my address on it.
- You nearby?
- No, I'm in Palm Springs.
Why are you in Palm Springs?
You know, I decided to go to
Palm Springs with some friends.
I thought I'd be back in time, but I'm not.
But you confirmed the plan.
It's a double date. My
friends are here from London.
No, it's okay. We'll do it another time.
There's not really a
chance for another time.
I'm so confused because
you confirmed the plan.
You sent me that text the other day saying,
"Looking forward to Saturday"
with the smiley face.
If you're gonna send a smiley face, it
normally implies that you're looking forward
to something and you're gonna be there.
You can't be careless with your emojis.
Ooh, I have to go. There's a conga line.
- Is there? Well, you don't want to
miss that. - Bye.
What are the rules? I don't know
what the fucking rules are here.
- Hiya.
- How's it going?
- You taking a shit? - No, I need
you to pretend to be my girlfriend.
- Please.
- What happened to your model?
She's gone to Palm Springs
to join a conga line.
- Can I come in?
- I have a real date, Stuart.
It's too late to cancel now.
No, it's not. People cancel
last minute all the time.
- Who's the date with?
- Reno.
Reno? Really? You're going on a
date... what is he, a gunslinger?
- No, he's...
- Where are you meeting, the O.K. Corral?
- He's really interesting.
- He's not...
all right, the one is not
someone called Reno, okay?
So, please, come on. I need them to see me
with a beautiful woman, you
know, so they think I won at life.
- Oh, I'm a beautiful woman?
- Yes, obviously.
Mm. That's the sweetest
thing you've ever said to me.
I wanna live rent-free for three months.
- Oh, fuck off.
- Oh, well, have fun on your double date.
- Three weeks.
- Three months.
- Three months is insane.
- Take it or leave it.
All right, I'll
take it, but honestly,
- you've got to be so in love with me that it's
disgusting. - Oh, it's gonna be real gross.
Good. All right. Well, make sure you
wear something sexy, but not slutty.
- Maybe I should choose.
- Oh, fuck off. Stuart.
All right, just make sure you pick me
up tonight because I want them to...
Yes, you want to trick them
into thinking you've won at life.
- I got it.
- Great, thank you.
- Off you waddle.
- All right.
So just act natural, okay?
Yes, here we are.
- You still in I.T.?
- Yeah.
Yeah, but they moved our company.
We're in Wolverhampton now.
Oh, okay. How's Wolverhampton?
- It's a shit hole.
- Is it?
It's actually not a shit hole, mate.
Believe or not, Wolverhampton
was the first British city
to introduce automated traffic lights.
It just sort of blew up from there, really.
I can't believe you're dating a model.
Gosh, I'm gonna look so ordinary.
Hi, everybody.
I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting.
Oh, don't worry. I will forgive
you if I reward you with a kiss.
- Ah, lipstick. Don't want to ruin that.
- No.
Mike, Trudy, charmed.
I've heard so much about you.
Oh, and you.
A glass of champers, honeybee?
Oh, yes, please, sugar bear.
So how did you guys meet?
- How did we meet?
- Oh.
- Therein lies a tale.
- Such a good story.
- Yeah, do you want to tell it?
- You tell it so well.
- Do I? Do I or are you better at it?
- Yes.
No, you're so much better
at it than I...
- Lipstick.
- Lipstick, yeah.
- Um, well, we were at Sandra...
- Bullock's.
- Sandy Bullock's Halloween party.
- Party.
- Yeah. It was fun.
- And, uh, yeah, lovely affair.
- I was a slice of pizza.
- Yeah.
- And remember?
- I was, uh, I was Thor.
- You were like a hot dog.
- I was Thor.
- Yup.
- And she managed to get my number.
And basically stalked
me for... what was it?
- Six months, sweet cheeks?
- Oh, I don't think it was that long.
- Wasn't it?
- Melon ball.
I was dating around also, you know?
- Yeah, yeah.
- A lot of options.
- She wasn't a slut.
- No, definitely not a slut.
- No, no, no, no.
- I just... a lot of callers.
- Yeah, and I won through in the end.
- Yup.
- Oh, lipstick.
- Yeah.
That is a lovely story.
Actually, speaking of parties,
didn't you say we were
gonna be hitting a party
or were you not able to get that sorted?
Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, no, definitely.
We're going to one of the most
exclusive VIP parties in town.
- Ooh. - Yes, well, perhaps a quick
toast before we get going.
- Mm-hmm. - To a memorable
night in the City of Angels.
Let's hope we don't get carjacked.
This place sturdy enough for you, Mike?
- What are you doing?
- Holding your hand.
- Why?
- That's what lovers do.
Guys, that's Alan. He's
the host of the party.
Bloody great bloke. Although, you're
not supposed to look him in the eye.
He's just got this weird thing,
so just don't look him in his eye.
Alan, I just wanted to introduce
you to some dear friends of mine.
Mike and Trudy. This is my
beautiful girlfriend Jessica.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Fantastic view. - Yeah, thank you
so much for a wonderful party.
- Thank you so much.
- Thanks for having us.
- Enjoy the evening.
- Thank you, we will.
- All right.
- Have fun.
- Thank you, sir.
- See who I was with?
- Hot, right?
- Oh, yeah.
Young enough to be your
granddaughters, though, weren't they?
Yeah, well, they're friends
of my granddaughter's.
But all of my granddaughter's
friends are super hot.
- Here we are. Champagne.
- Thank you.
- All free of charge.
- Ooh, yeah.
Hey, I was just saying to Jessica
that this party must have
cost more than our wedding.
Yeah, but only because we got a discount.
My brother's a catering manager
at a Holiday Inn Express.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
Is that Nicole Kidman?
- It's Nicole Kidman.
She's so talented. - Yes.
Yes, she is. Yes, she is. And, you
know, just charming and down-to-earth.
Wait, you know Nicole Kidman?
Oh, you know, we're in the same circles.
She's more my friend than yours.
- Well, we're always arguing about that.
- Yeah.
I love her films.
Is there any way that
you could introduce us?
I would literally die if I met her.
- No, I don't want to bother her.
- Stuart, could you?
I'm worried that she'll feel
like an animal in a zoo, you know?
- Yeah.
- Showing her off.
I'm sorry, mate, what's the point
of being friends with someone
if you can't introduce
them to other people?
Fair point. Yeah.
I'll go and say hi.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Hey. Hey, Nicole.
Hi. Don't be alarmed, you're not in danger.
This is weird. When I was a kid,
I really wasn't very good with girls
and I could certainly never get with
girls, you know, as beautiful as you.
And then when I was older, I managed
to get this great girlfriend Trudy
and she got stolen away
by this complete ball bag,
um, Mike, and both of them are
here now tonight over there.
I'm trying to impress them.
Just wondering if there's any
chance you could do me a favor?
Mm, what's the favor?
What about if you just
pretend that you knew me
and, you know, pretend we're having a
conversation and maybe you're laughing.
- All right, sure.
- Okay.
I don't know what that was.
I know you're an actress, but
that seemed a bit, kind of, eh.
Maybe a bit more lively? And we're
laughing, Nicole, we're laughing.
Don't overdo it. Don't overdo it.
And is there any chance that I
could just bring them over here
- and just say hi?
- Sure.
- Is that okay?
- Yeah.
- Are you doing an Australian accent?
- No, this is how I speak.
That's how you speak. Okay, I've
never seen any of your films.
- Oh.
- Guys, over you come.
- Thank you so much. Thank you.
- Yeah.
This is Mike. This is Trudy.
- And, of course, you know Jessica.
- Hey, Nicole.
And I have to say Trudy
is maybe your biggest fan.
- Oh, really?
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Oh, that's so nice.
- I'm an even bigger fan.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- Wow.
Handshake bonus.
We are gonna get out of your hair now,
but listen, I think you should give
me a call. I think you owe me lunch.
- And I want that dress back, you.
- Okay.
- All right, see you later. Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
Oh, what about that? What about that?
I'm shaking. I can't
believe that just happened.
- Wow.
- Yeah, yeah.
Shit. Mike, we should've got a picture.
Stuart, can you ask her if
we can get a picture with her?
You don't need a picture, do you?
- I think the memories are better.
- Yeah.
Oh, no. It would blow everyone's
mind back home if I had a picture.
Will it?
- Thank you so much for doing it.
Sorry again. - You're welcome.
I just... the only thing is...
Nicole, the only thing is
they're asking for a photograph.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
If I do a photo, then other people
might ask and I just want to be low-key.
I understand. I understand completely.
- Yeah.
- Great.
What if I gave you $30?
I don't think so.
40? $40? And that's tax-free.
I mean, the tax man doesn't
need to know about that.
- That's cash in hand.
- I just...
I'm at a party and I... I
mean, if I do a photograph,
- then maybe... - You can take
one picture and I can just say,
"There's no more pictures." Then they know.
Go get them. Let's do the photo.
- Hey.
- Good.
What a souvenir this
will be to take back home.
- Oh, thank you.
- There we go. All right.
- All right. Good. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- I can't believe you're friends with
Stuart. - I know, it does seem crazy.
- But true.
- How do you guys know each other?
They used to date.
Wow. Really?
- Didn't we?
- Yeah.
- Yup.
- Wow.
We'll never understand
why you chose me over her.
- I mean, you are beautiful.
- Yes.
Well, it all worked out
for everyone in the end.
In the end. In the end. But it was pretty
rough back there for you, wasn't it?
She got pretty emotional.
It was difficult and I
apologize still for that.
- I got over it, though.
- You did. She did.
Eventually, but there was
a lot of tears and, uh...
No, I got over it. And now I look back
and I'm like, "What was I thinking?"
Yeah, we weren't... she's right.
- I mean...
- We weren't really right together.
We weren't really right
together. Except in the bedroom.
Then things were pretty crazy.
- Honestly, the redheaded woman
will go berserk. - No, no, no.
- It never got that far.
- Got the flamed hair.
- No, no. - It didn't go that far.
It never got to the bedroom.
No, it was just clothes off in
the kitchen and we...
- I'm gonna say good-bye now.
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much, yes.
- Bye.
Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Buh-bye.
Oh, Christ.
Probably gonna get a call from
her later begging me to come over.
You and Stuart seem like the perfect match.
Oh, cool. Thanks.
I know you're not supposed to
think about what might have been,
but, you know, I see him with that
house and all these fancy friends
and, oh, it just makes you think.
- Sorry, I hope I'm not being too...
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's fine. Honestly, I'm sure
he'd love to hear you say that.
Bloody hell, mate.
The women in your world, I don't
know how you get anything done.
Yeah, it is tricky.
And this is not even one
of Alan's best parties.
- Honestly, I'd only give this C-plus.
- A "C-plus"?
Yeah, and that's just 'cause I like Alan.
Well, I've got to come
back out here sometime.
Do you wanna swap lives for a week?
I can shag supermodels and you
could do I.T. sales in Wolverhampton.
- Isn't it so pretty?
- It's gorgeous.
- What's that?
- Here you go, darling.
- You look cold.
- Oh, yeah, a little.
- There you are.
- Aww, thank you.
Hey, cheers for this, guys.
- Hey, you're welcome. Of course, yeah.
- Thank you.
You've made it.
There's a girl
that's been on my mind
All the time
Oh, oh...
Wait, wait, wait. They were fooled, right?
- We're not celebrating unduly?
- We definitely fooled them.
Are you kidding? They absolutely
thought we were madly in love.
- I could tell.
- Well, I'm not a trained actor,
but it's not hard faking
being in love with you
when you're looking this beautiful.
See, if you said stuff like that
on real dates, you would be fine.
I'm not this relaxed on
real dates, though, you know?
It's just so much easier
having a fake girlfriend.
Why am I only discovering this now?
I could have had a fake
girlfriend all through school.
I could have lost my virginity to my
fake girlfriend when I was at college.
Hey, you could've finally
had that threesome you want
with your fake girlfriend and her roommate.
Oh, that would've been amazing.
I'm just about to be brilliant.
I've figured out what you
should do with your life.
- What?
- You should go back to college.
What? No, I can't go back to college.
- I'm too old.
- No, you're never too old,
you know, there's mature students.
You go back, and I'll tell you,
you get a decent education,
the world's your oyster.
Can I just, like, go back?
No, it's too expensive.
Well, according to our little deal, I'm
already paying for your room and board,
so you don't gotta worry about that.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm going to college! Whoo!
And I'm paying for her accommodation.
I'll say the word, oh
- I'll say the word, oh
- Thank you.
I'll say the word, oh...
- Oh, well, this is me.
- Oh, nice place.
Thank you. I had fun.
We should do it again sometime.
Absolutely, but, uh, are you
gonna invite me in for a nightcap?
Oh, it's probably not a good idea.
My landlord is freakishly tall,
super creepy, and he's
kind of a dick, so...
Is he or did you eat all of
his chocolate-covered pretzels
and then not make any
effort to replace them?
No, he's just kind of a dick. Night.
How did you get in here?
- Well, good night.
- Good night. Yeah.
And thank you again for doing all that.
- Yeah, of course.
- I appreciate it.
It was fun.
- Thank you.
- Oh, you're welcome.
Well, good night.
Good night.
Are you gonna leave
the glasses on for this?
- Yeah, I won't be able to see
anything otherwise. - Um...
actually, no, I think the
glasses should come off.
- Let's just... we'll just put these here.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Well, don't put them there
'cause we might roll
while... and crush them.
- Oh, okay, well...
- Thank you.
- Okay, happy?
- Good, I'm happy.
- Are you happy?
- Yup. Mm-hmm.
- Should I get a condom?
- Yeah.
Yeah? All right.
Jack be nimble... ah.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
I hit my toe on that.
- Are those lady weights?
- No, they're just regular.
Bibbity-boppity... ah.
- Ooh.
- Forgot they were a pair.
All right. Here we go, yeah.
- This is it.
- Hey there. All right.
- This is it.
- Okay.
All right. Here we go.
Talk amongst yourself.
- All right, there... oh, there we are.
- There it is.
There it is.
Which side is it?
Ooh, put your glasses back on.
You look like a giant prawn.
A giant prawn? Is that your pillow talk?
All right. Let's get this on.
Whoa, whoa. Where... what is this condom?
- What language is this?
- It's Turkish.
- Well, where the hell did you
buy a Turkish condom? - Online.
- Why?
- Yeah, get them online.
- Oh, my God. Were they cheap?
- No, they weren't cheap.
- No, they weren't. 15 bucks for 80.
- Oh, my God, Stuart.
- What?
- We're not using a cheap Turkish condom.
Well, that sounds racist.
You really think the way to have sex
with me is by calling me a racist?
Sorry, but my conscience
doesn't take time off
just 'cause I've got an erection.
I would like an American condom, please.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
All right, what about this? Durex?
You had an American condom this whole time?
It's made in China. Do
we trust the Chinese?
We happy with those fellas?
- Oh, come on. Let's just...
- Okay.
- Oh, um, no.
- What?
- That's gonna stay on.
- No, the bra's gotta come off.
- What are you talking about?
- No, I just... I don't want you to, uh...
I don't want you to see
my boobs. That's weird.
- What?
- You are my landlord.
It's just too intimate.
We're having sex.
Have you not noticed? It's
gonna get pretty intimate.
No, it's... no, that's a deal breaker.
That's crazy. I need
full access to the body.
I need to be able to run amuck on it.
Well, you're definitely
not "running amuck."
This is crazy. You're
a very demanding lover.
You can touch one and then I
will see how I feel about it.
- No. - Well, then I don't
know what this is, then.
- I don't... I'm...
- Stuart.
- I can't focus.
- Maybe this is a bad idea.
- No, this is a good idea.
- I'm losing my mojo.
- This is a good idea.
- No, I just...
Look at that. Isn't that nice?
Yeah, just, like, talk dirty or something.
- What do you want me to say?
- I don't know.
- Just be creative. - There's so many
rules prancing around this place.
Yeah, well, you're lucky to be here, pal.
So just give me some filth.
Okay, here it comes.
- This is it.
- Okay.
This is it. The dirty... the
dirty... is that what you wanted?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Yeah? You got it. You got it.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna do things to you
that your mother wouldn't approve of.
If she came in here now,
she'd be like, "Jessica,
what are you doing?
Get off that young man.
We're a God-fearing family.
- We don't approve"...
- Okay, can we not do Mom?
- Let's take away... yeah.
- You don't want the mother? Okay.
- I wanna... I wanna fuck... can I say fuck?
- Sure.
Yeah? I wanna fuck you
in the traditional manner.
But also... but take the penis...
- mine...
- Mm-hmm.
and just whack it against
the soles of your feet.
And then poke it in between the toes.
- No, no.
- Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo.
- Maybe not feet. Let's just...
- Okay, not feet.
- Come off of that.
- Bring it up... I'm bringing up the leg.
I'm gonna bring it higher onto the thigh.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Mr. Penis...
with a delivery for you...
of some delicious hot cock.
- You can't laugh.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- I don't know what the rules are here.
Oh, Stuart.
Just kiss me and let's get this over with.
- "Get this over with"? Really?
- Yes. Mm-hmm.
Jessica. I mean, of course.
Right under your nose all along.
So romantic.
It's like "When Harry Met Sally."
Eh, more like "When
Harry Potter Met Sally."
So walk us through it.
What were you wearing?
- Well, I had a blue shirt...
- Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.
I was making a kick-ass risotto
and you have to keep stirring.
- Ror, Stuart made love with Jessica.
- Uh-uh.
Well, actually, they rubbed
their clitorises together.
Wait, you slept with Jessica?
How could you do that?
- You know that her and I have a thing.
- What thing?
"What thing"? There's, like, sexual
tension every time we're in a room together.
You do know that sexual tension
is not just you being tense
in a room with someone?
Oh, that makes sense.
Yeah, 'cause otherwise, I'd have
sexual tension with my father.
- Wow.
- So do you want to date her?
Do I want to date her?
- Great questions of wonder.
- Yeah.
You know, I haven't thought
that far ahead, really.
It was just the moment took
us, you know, and there was...
there was a passion,
certainly, in the boudoir.
- Hey.
- And we get on well, you know?
- You've seen that.
- It's so much sexual tension.
It's not just about sexual tension, though.
I think there's also
something else, you know?
There's an ease. I'm relaxed around her.
I'm not trying so hard. I'm
not going into my shtick.
- Yeah.
- And she saw your tiny penis.
My penis is of normal size, all right?
- I will put it up against any man's.
- Wouldn't be the first time.
Don't cheapen what I've got here, please.
- Kives.
- Yeah, right?
So what was the first kiss like?
Was it like falling into a warm bath?
Yeah. It was a little bit, yeah.
- I am so excited about this.
- You need to calm down.
Oh, no. It's romance.
This is a delicate matter.
The truth is, bro,
I've sort of developed
feelings for Jessica.
Which I did act upon
last eve.
You mean you fucked her?
I wouldn't put it like that.
No, I would say that we, um,
I assumed you were fucking her already.
Me, no. No.
Well, thanks for not calling last eve.
'Cause I was with...
She used to do porn.
She used to...
- Do porn.
- Porn.
I thought you said porn.
Good for her.
Knock, knock. Hey.
I got you a little gift.
Um, just to help you with
your college application.
- Oh, thank you.
- Of course.
That's so sweet.
And, uh, also,
in other news, um,
I have been thinking...
I think we should start dating.
Yeah, I spoke to Glenn. He's cool with it.
He's already having sex with a porn star.
And, you know, we get on well.
We got a good rapport, you know?
We sort of basically hang
out all the time anyway.
And, you know, we've made love.
And that seemed to go well.
I'm not saying there's not
improvements to be made, you know?
I got a few ideas for next time.
But, you know, I really like
you, I think you would like me.
It's just... why not?
wow, that's a lot to absorb.
Yes, sorry. I got a bit gabbley
because I was nervous, but...
I mean, what do you think?
You know, Stuart,
last night was not
something I was expecting
or even thinking about.
And I had fun. I did.
Um... but I don't really think now
is a good time for me
to be in a relationship.
I just have so much shit
in my life to figure out.
Absolutely. No, I'm saying I can
help you with that shit, you know?
And we can take it slow
and maybe just start with a first date.
I just... I really wanna
figure out this college thing
and I don't really think
I'm in the right head space to date anyone.
Is it okay if we just stay friends for now?
Of course, yes, totally.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I didn't
want this to seem heavy or anything.
I just... yeah, I just
thought I'd put it out there.
But, yeah, absolutely.
- I will let you get back to your work.
- Okay.
And, uh, see you around.
All right, I'll see you around.
Main thing is the
friendship's still there.
Yeah, that's the thing I
was most worried about jeopardizing,
- the friendship.
- And she didn't say never.
Yeah, I think it's just about
giving her enough time to,
- you know, get her head together.
- Yeah.
I think the bedrock to
any great relationship
is the friendship.
And you just water it and
make sure it gets enough sun
and it's gonna blossom.
- You think so?
- I know so.
Well, I hope so.
Your friend's right.
Sorry, I was eavesdropping.
- Which is... that's rude.
- No. No, not at all.
You know what? I eavesdrop all the time.
- It's all right.
I don't usually just sit at bars
listening to strangers' conversations,
I just, um, I'm locked out of my building
and I'm waiting for my sister
to bring the extra key, so...
- That happened to me once.
You know what I did? - Hmm?
I buried a spare key in my front yard.
How did you remember where it was, though?
It's under the only yellow flower.
- Shh.
- Shh.
- That's a good idea.
- It is, right?
I'm gonna steal that. The idea.
- Not my key, though.
- Not your key, though.
The idea. Just the idea.
- Hey, by any chance do you live alone?
- Um, yeah, I do.
Have you ever thought
about what you would do
if you fell over and hurt yourself
and couldn't call for help?
- Every day.
- You know, me and my buddy Stuart here,
we started a system.
I text him AG, means all good,
every two hours so he knows I'm okay.
He doesn't get that
text, he sends some help.
Can I get in on that or...
- Oh, definitely. Let me get your number.
- Okay.
Listen, I, uh, I just
remembered I gotta take off.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
No, no, you stay. Please.
Look after this lady. Wait
for her sister to get here.
- He never leaves a damsel in distress.
- Yeah.
- Gentleman. All right, thanks for talking.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'll see you soon. Nice to meet you.
- Bye.
See ya, buddy.
- Well, I'm gonna scooch on over.
- Yeah, scooch down here.
- I'm Wade, by the way.
- Kate. Hi.
- Kate, nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- Um, so here's a good question...
- Yeah.
...um, let's say you
can only have three items
- in your earthquake kit, right?
- Mm.
- What do you choose?
- One, flashlight. Two, iodine tablets.
- Three, whistle.
- Whistle.
- This is weird.
- It's so weird.
- To whistles.
- To whistles.
To whistles.
- So how long have you been in this area?
- About five years.
- Oh, okay. - Yeah, I looked it up
and they have a really low crime rate.
It's the lowest. It's the lowest.
- It's like tri-county.
- Exactly.
- Tri-county.
- We must have read the same website.
I'm sure we did. I'm sure we did.
- Sorry, did you want to watch something
else or... - Oh, no. This is good.
- This is all right?
- Yeah.
That's it. I've got to say something.
We've been working for three hours here
and you haven't said anything
about my new hairstyle.
Oh, sorry, mate.
It looks good. It does.
Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear.
- What's wrong? Everything all right?
- No.
I was working on my college
application because it's due tomorrow
and my computer froze and I
think I just lost my entire essay.
And I don't think I saved it
the last time I went through it
and I don't know what to do.
Calm down, calm down. It's all right.
I'll take a look at it.
It is completely frozen.
I didn't do anything.
I think you got
some corrupted files.
Do you think you can get my work back?
I saw you going into that new
bar on Sunset the other night.
Just had a drink there.
Was it a date?
yeah, kind of.
So when you said you weren't
in the right space to...
to be dating, what you meant
was you don't want to date me.
Stuart, I'm sorry.
I wasn't asking you to marry me, you know?
I just said come out on one date.
Why did you not give me that?
It's not you.
I just have, like...
You know, I...
I just need to know...
why you don't want to date me.
- Stuart.
- I'm getting too old to keep fucking up.
You're a really good guy.
You are.
But honestly, I...
I think
that you're just competing
with the past, you know?
And I can't get involved with someone...
who's 35 and...
still obsessed with sitting
at the popular table.
I can't.
I don't know. I guess
I just have this image
in my head of
who I'm gonna spend the rest
of my life with, you know?
The one. My one.
And I'm really sorry, but
I just don't think it's you.
Well, thanks for being honest.
Is that your essay?
- Oh, my gosh, yeah.
- Yeah, great.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Should be okay.
- Yeah.
I, uh...
think maybe you should move out.
Oh, you don't think we can get past this?
I think it would be too difficult.
You know, you'll be around and dating.
I know I'd help you with the
rent and that still stands.
- No, no, you don't have to do that.
- No, please.
We made that deal. It's fine.
Take as long as you need
to find somewhere else.
Good night.
- Here are my keys.
- Oh, thanks.
- Bye, Rory.
- Bye, Jessica.
Okay, bye.
Yup, bye.
- You okay?
- I will be.
- This is Glenn.
- Hey, it's Stuart.
Chicken Wings.
What's going on, buddy?
Just sort of feeling
like I need to let my hair down.
I was wondering if there's
any fun parties this weekend.
Alan's having another boat
party. Want me to put you on the list?
Yeah, that
would be good. Thank you.
Do you mind if I bring a couple of friends?
- Are they cool?
- Yeah.
Why not? All right.
- Oh, oh!
- You okay, you okay?
There we go.
Hello. Hello.
You've never seen "The Poseidon
Adventure"? Oh, it's great.
Oh, hello, sir.
- Thank you for having me back.
- Haven't seen you lately.
No, I haven't really been in the
party mood if I'm honest, sir.
I sort of split up with a girl.
Plenty of more beavers in the river.
Well, maybe, yeah.
I quite like this beaver.
Don't get hung up on any
one woman. Not worth it.
- You know what pussy is spelled backwards?
- No.
- "Wise up."
- Oh.
- Funny, right?
- Yeah, it's good. It's clever.
Glenn, lost the sunglasses again
if you could just pick them up.
Stuart, look after my friends
Brooke and Riley for a bit.
Where'd you see them last, Alan?
- Hello, ladies.
- Hi.
And then she said, "That's
not why it's called a poop deck."
Just one second, ladies.
- Take care of it.
- Yeah.
One second.
Hey, buddy, this is a little awkward,
but Alan has a slight
issue with your friends.
What do you mean?
It's just not really the vibe
he's going for at these parties.
But Alan said they can hang out below deck
just so they're not in
everybody's faces so much.
- "Below deck"?
- Yeah, but you can hang out up here.
I think Riley likes you.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- You good?
- Sure, yeah, of course.
Thanks, buddy.
I have the funniest story from Cabo.
You're gonna lose your shit.
Two years ago, I go down there...
Alan, sorry to interrupt, mate.
I just wanted to ask you something.
Glenn said you've got an issue
with my friends being up on deck.
- I don't care about your friends.
- No? Oh, that's good.
Right, I thought there must
have been a miscommunication
'cause it would seem hypocritical
given that you're a misogynistical
wanker who's gonna die alone.
Funny, right?
Glenn, get your friend
the fuck off my boat.
- He's not my friend.
- No, he's not my friend.
He's just a toady, really, that
I just use to try and get girls.
All right, well, I'll show myself out.
Cheers, mate. See you later.
How in the fuck you get us
thrown off a boat full of models?
Sorry, you know, I just...
I want you to know this is the
worst thing that has ever happened to me...
and I can't walk.
When I started at
college, I was really excited.
But then a couple of months in,
I just... I started feeling adrift again.
I kept thinking, like,
"Why am I even doing this?
Where am I going and what am I
gonna do with the rest of my life?"
But then I was in class this one day
and this professor was giving
this fascinating talk...
All your actions must have universality.
...and I realized
I loved that I knew something
I didn't know an hour before.
I was just enjoying being
there in that moment.
I wasn't worried about the future.
I was just there.
So that's just good
enough for me right now.
That's exactly how I
feel when I rock climb.
Wow, you rock climb?
- I do.
- Cool.
- Jessica.
- Oh.
Oh, this is Marion and Paul.
- And this is Josh.
- Glenn. This is Brooke.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So what are you up to? How's it going?
Just been working 24/7.
Oh, I finally got a parking spot on P2.
- Oh, wow. Great.
- It's awesome.
So how's Stuart doing? Have you seen him?
- Who cares? He's a fucking asshole.
- Whoa.
- I thought you guys were best buds.
- Fuck that dude.
He disrespected Alan on his own
boat and he calls me a "toady"?
I looked it up. It's some British slang.
He basically called me a
sycophantic little bitch.
People in this town.
I gotta go, though.
Alan's by himself at a club,
so I got to meet up with him,
but, uh, see you down the road.
- Hello?
- Hey, it's Stuart. Is it a bad time?
No, no. Not at all. I'm
just making breakfast.
We had an incredible
time and we loved Jessica.
She's adorable.
Oh, yeah. No, she is. She is.
Um, that's actually the reason I'm calling.
she's not my girlfriend.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You guys broke up?
No, um, we never dated.
Also, I never dated Nicole Kidman.
She's just a friend.
She's not a friend. I
never even met her before.
Sorry, I'm confused.
Why would you do that?
Because I'm an idiot.
And I wanted to impress you and Mike.
But anyway, I just wanted to
call and apologize for that.
Um, are you okay?
Yes. No, I'm good.
Everything's... everything's good.
Well, take care of yourself.
- And you.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I went, "What do we do?"
And I said, "You need some milk."
I couldn't understand, so I'm like, "No."
Get the milk out, it's expired.
I pour it, it's chunky, cottage cheese...
Drink it and you'll feel better...
What is the bet to stay in the game?
- $2.
- The bet is $2 to stay in the game?
- $2.
- I... I'm out.
It's a shocker. Shocker that you folded.
Can I get my homeboys any
more paella or patatas bravas?
Yes, thank you.
Hey, Stuart, it's me.
And, um...
I know we haven't spoken in a while,
but it is my birthday on Friday.
And I will be having drinks
in the same place as last year
where I'll be pretending I'm
the same age as last year.
So if you'd like to come,
it would be great to see you.
Okay, I hope you're well.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Happy birthday.
- Oh, thank you.
- This is my girlfriend Kate.
- Hi.
- Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- This is for you. It's from both of us.
- Thank you.
- Both of us. See you later.
- Okay.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I am Wade's friend Stuart.
Oh, it's very nice to meet you.
Nice to...
- This is for you. Happy birthday.
- Oh, thank you.
- Wow.
- I think you'll be very pleased with this.
It is a gift card for 24-hour tech support.
Amazing, right? So if your computer
crashes or if you lose any essays,
- you just holler and I'm there.
- Thank you. That's very sweet.
- And cheap.
- Very cheap.
- That's the other bonus point.
- Yeah.
- The only thing it cost me was Rory's time.
- Rory.
He worked night and day on it.
- How is Rory doing?
- He's good. He's very good.
Oh, wow. I miss him.
So sorry to interrupt,
- but I need your help writing this text.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I just need to fire
my manager tonight. - Okay.
It is 10:30. Is that the time to do this?
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's it going? Please, sit down.
- Sorry about earlier.
- Oh, don't worry.
No, it's your birthday, you
know? You've got stuff going on.
- How's college? Good?
- Oh, I love it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
And everybody's real respectful
of me because I'm twice their age.
- Perfect.
- So that's good.
That's good.
So how are you? Any models
in your life at the moment?
No. Supermodels and I have mutually
agreed to take some time apart.
- Wow.
- Yeah. Yeah.
What about you? How's
the search for the one?
- Yeah, I've been on a couple of dates
with this guy. - Uh-huh.
- Josh.
- Mm-hmm.
He's very nice, but, eh,
I'm not sure he's the one.
I'm not even sure I know what the one is.
I'm not convinced of your idea of the one.
- Oh, no?
- No.
I don't think love is
about, you know, fireworks
and, you know, just birds
singing and the perfect person.
- That's a little depressing.
- No, I don't know.
Do you know what I think it's about? Love?
- Hmm?
- Percentages.
- Yeah, I've been thinking about this.
- Percentages?
It's all about percentages. You know,
like, all right, look at you and me, okay?
Now 18% of the time, you drove me crazy.
I'm talking fucking insane, all right?
But 82% of the time,
I had more fun with you than anyone ever.
You know, that was good enough for me.
So I... I don't know.
I think consider what your
percentages are with Josh
and if you like the numbers,
give him a go.
Then again, what do I know?
I mean, I came here with Wade.
Let's get shots!
Come on!
- Wanna have a shot?
- No, I won't have a shot.
- Oh, come on.
- No, no, no.
Please, guys, honestly,
one, I'm too old and B, I've
got work tomorrow, honestly.
Well, my assistant's got work,
I've got to take the credit.
So I've got to be there to check on him.
You go. It's your birthday.
- It's really good to see you.
- Good to see you.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
Come on.
You still got that
light in your eye
And our day is coming by and by
I'm traveling this long road
To be with you
We still got a long way...
Josh makes you happy 79% of the time?
- I'd stick with that bloke.
- No.
79% of the time I'm happy with you.
The first time I set eyes on you
I listened to you sing...
Wait, 79%? I gave you 82, woman.
That's because I'm better
than you in every single way.
- Name three ways you're better than me.
- More mature.
20/20 vision.
I am of normal human
height. There's so many.
Yeah, fair enough.
So long ago, but it
feels like yesterday
And I just want to tell you
You still got that
light in your eye
Yes, you do
And our day's coming by and by
I'm traveling this long road
To be with you
We still got a long way
We still got a long way to go
Shining light, shining
bright on the days gone down
Shining light, shining
bright on the days gone down
Shining light, shining
bright on the days gone down
We won't forget the days gone down
They're written in
our hearts, yeah, yeah
And we're as much in tune
as we were right at the start
It all seems so much harder now
It seemed so easy then, yeah, yeah
Well, someday just for fun,
we might do it all again
I just wanna tell you
You still got that
light in your eye
Yes, you do
And our day is coming by and by
I'm traveling this long road
To be with you
We still got a long way
We still got a long way to go.