Henchmen (2018) Movie Script
1
BOY: "Pep Girl Twins,"
issue 437.
"The Diabolical
Dr. Shark Hands."
Ohh, this is gonna be
so good.
Finally, a supervillain
with some teeth.
What's that?
Who's there?
Oh, come on!
You gotta be kidding me!
Why do the bad guys
always lose?
Dr. Shark Hands
is the coolest.
I mean, he literally has
sharks for hands.
And then he gets taken out
with pom-poms!
Who writes this?
If I was a supervillain,
I'd win every time.
(MAN LAUGHING)
- Hiya!
- (SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
(CHILDREN GIGGLING)
What a weirdo.
- No wonder no one's adopted him.
- (CHILDREN LAUGHING)
- DRIVER: Lester!
- Huh?
Sit down!
BOYS: Comic book nerd!
Comic book nerd!
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
(SIGHS)
Hang in there, Lester.
Only 112 more days to go.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Let's go, henchmen.
Move it out!
You too, newbie!
Wow.
Uh, uh-oh.
Wait!
Hold that elevator!
Wh-ho-ho!
Hey. Hey, pal.
Check it out.
A real supervillain lair.
Huh? You don't see
many of these around.
Good. Next.
- Next.
- MAN: Is this spray cheese?
Yes. Next!
Henchmen!
At attention!
The Gluttonator
will now speak.
No way!
First... (BELCHES)
Excuse me for that.
First... (BELCHES)
We unleash my Gouda guns
on the coastal city.
(CHUCKLES)
This is the best thing
I've ever seen.
Mm! Then we unleash
the Swiss missiles,
and Provoloneum bombs
on the inland centers.
(LAUGHS)
Before noon...
(BELCHES)
Uhh, excuse me again.
Every major city
on the continent
will be ten feet deep
in molten,
radioactive cheese!
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
(INHALING)
Hey, why aren't they laughing?
Henchmen,
maniacal laugh now!
(LAUGHING)
Better.
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
(GAGGING)
(SIGHS) Another day,
another deluded maniac
with a terrible plan.
MAN: What was that, Hank?
Oh, nothin', Steve.
She's all fixed.
- Great. Thanks.
- Hey, it's what I do.
So, you guard the cheese
on the elevator, huh?
What are we talkin',
Swiss? Gouda?
Cheddar? Sharp?
We doin' sharp Cheddar?
What is this,
New Zealand grass fed?
Morning, Jane.
How's super evil's
princess of pipe fitting
doing today?
Oh, not bad,
but call me princess
again, boss,
and you'll be getting
a pipe wrench in the old wazoo.
Oh, would you
look at the time.
Gotta dash.
See ya at lunch.
Okay. You be careful
out there.
Radioactive cheese
comin' through.
MAN: I'm all in.
Ha-ha! Royal flush.
Again?!
That's impossible!
- The cards don't lie.
- Yeah?
- Well, neither does this!
- Oh, yeah?
- (GUNS FIRING)
- (GIBBERISH)
(CHIPS CLATTERING)
Hey, there he is.
How goes it, Stew?
Hey, you want a dumpling
and broth at the same time,
what do you do?
Uh... use a spoon?
Not anymore.
Introducing chopstraws.
Check this out.
(SIPPING)
You've done it again,
buddy.
Only $19.99, Hank.
Order now, and I'll
throw in a scratchula!
(WHIRRING)
Ohh...
(SIPPING)
Later, Stew.
Oh, yeah.
Get in there deeper,
come on.
Uh-huh.
Uhh!
Oh, yeah.
- Morning, Yakov.
- Da.
MAN: Henchmen,
at ready!
Take aim.
Fire!
Fire!
All right.
Check this out!
(SCREAMING)
(SIGHS)
What's shakin',
old timer?
Old Doug?
Old Doug!
Ahh! No, I don't want to
take a 15 minute survey.
Ow!
Give me that.
Oh, boss, it's you.
Can I have five bucks?
You can stay sharp.
Listen, it's dangerous
around here. Okay?
You got it, boss.
Right after my break.
Which starts right...
(SNORING)
Morning, Hank.
- Pew!
- Huh?
Pew, pew, pew! Pew!
Laser!
What do we have here?
Kneel before the awesome power
of The Orphan!
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)
Oh, no, everybody run!
Pew, pew, pew.
Yeah!
- Hey!
- Huh?
(GASPING)
- What are you doing?
- Who cut the cheese?
I'm so sorry.
I... I was just...
Trying to kill me?
Yeah, I noticed.
Wait a minute.
Why aren't you in uniform?
Oh, uh, it's my birthday.
Not what I asked.
How and why are you in
the Gluttonator's lair?
Oh, I'm Lester.
I'm here to sign up.
Ah. You fell for it,
too, huh?
Hey, what's this?
Oh, um, that's my
supervillain persona,
The Orphan.
Okay.
Do you know
how many Henchmen
have actually become
supervillains?
Seventeen. Why?
All right, listen.
It's dead simple.
- Okay.
- Go back to the elevator,
take it up to
the ground floor.
- All right.
- Start walking east.
Keep going 'til you hit
Apex City.
- Get a boring job.
- What?
Get married,
have a kid,
grow old, die peacefully
in your sleep.
- But I...
- Got it?
No! Sir.
This is my dream.
Dream?
(CHUCKLES)
Take a look, kid.
This is a nightmare.
But that's a real
supervillain.
GLUTTONATOR:
Hey, don't be shy.
Get in on these
mashed potatoes.
Oh, this is so exciting!
He's attacking the world
with radioactive cheese.
It's stupid.
It's not exciting.
(EXPLOSION)
- What's happening?
- And here we go again.
What the Feta?!
It's over, Gluttonator.
The Friendly Force Five
are here.
Six!
Friendly Force Six!
(GRUNTING)
- Oh!
- They call me the Jackalope.
(GROANS)
Great.
What is he doing here?
I'm sorry,
he's my half brother.
But he's not one of us.
Yeah, you try
telling my mom that.
(GLUTTONATOR BELCHES)
Gluttonator army...
(BELCHES)
Attack!
(YELLING)
Ha-ha! You missed.
Eesh.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, no.
BOTH: (GIGGLING)
Hey, boys.
- (GASPING)
- The Pep Girl Twins! Run!
(GRUNTING)
Hi-ya!
(SCREAMING)
Holy moly!
MAN: Let's do this!
Anyone hungry?
I brought smacks.
Freeze, Slap Happy!
And now I spin!
(SCREAMING)
Ole!
- (GRUNTING)
- (SCREAMING)
Mozzarella!
- Hello.
- (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
Dodge this,
Nick of Time.
NICK OF TIME: Ha-ha!
- Ooh, so close.
- (GRUNTING)
(LAUGHING)
Feel my rapid
super rabbit kick!
How is he my brother?
Oh! I believe this is yours.
Well, think fast.
- (SCREAMING)
- (LAUGHING)
Okay, show's over, kid.
- Help!
- Old Doug!
Told you to stay sharp.
Boss, please.
- (GRUNTING)
- This ain't my first rodeo.
Wait. Is this a rodeo?
- JANE: Ahh!
- STEW: Let's get outta here!
- Hey, guys!
- Huh? Hank!
Oh, you're kiddin' me. That's
the fifth time this month.
How is that even possible?
- Time for my sponge bath.
- Let's get him out of here.
(EXPLOSION)
Oh, for the love of brie!
We're gettin' our
asiago's kicked.
I'll be back.
(GASPING)
Camembert!
(BEEPING)
Woohoo!
Come and get some!
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
Ohh!
Hey, I just got
the bunny guy!
Do I get promoted?
- (GASPING)
- Sure, kid, I'll promote you.
- (WHIMPERING)
- All the way upstairs.
(GASPING)
Uh...
But I just shot you.
I'm a super hero.
And we don't get killed
so eas... (GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
(SCREAMING)
Whoa!
You just saved my life.
Yeah.
Happy birthday, kid.
Now, get outta here,
and go and have a great,
normal, super boring life.
MAN: Nowhere to go?
Well, look no further.
The Union of Evil Henchmen
is the place for you.
Nestled in super secret
Supervillain City.
Home to the very best of
the absolute worst.
Are you good at being bad?
Bad at being good?
- I am.
- I am.
I am.
We meet death in the face
each and every day,
and when we do,
we punch that death
right in its stupid face!
Punch death in the face!
We don't just die,
we die hard.
Great movie!
If you think super heroes
are super lame...
become a henchman today.
No strings attached.
Certain strings
may be attached.
Because we're bad,
and being bad...
is good!
WOMAN (ON P.A.): Welcome to
the Union of Evil.
Please hold the handrail
while exiting the vehicle.
- ROBOT: Attention recruit.
- Yes, sir!
Time to find out what type
of henchman you are.
Are you a level one?
The elite right hand
of super evil?
Yes, I am.
Uh, what's that?
- (GASPING)
- Scanning, scanning,
- scanning.
- (BEEPS)
- Not even close.
- Oh...
Perhaps you have
the killer instinct
of a henchman second class,
foot soldiers of darkness.
Huh?
Wow, cool.
(GRUNTS)
- Bring the pain.
- (GRUNTS) Hey!
Huh?
(GASPS)
Friendly Force!
Drop your weapon,
evil scout!
(GASPING)
Take this!
(SCREAMS)
My gun's broken!
No, no, no, no, no!
(SCREAMING)
ROBOT: Ouch.
New height record.
(GROANING)
It's all happening
so fast.
- And we're done.
- Already?
But can't I just...
What's that for?
Henchman class three it is.
What a shocker.
Really? Ow!
ROBOT: Bye-bye.
- (SCREAMS)
- ROBOT: Next.
WOMAN (ON P.A.): Would the
owner of the red murder tank
please move your vehicle.
MAN: Take a seat, Hank.
Let's review.
Hey, look, it's you.
Oh, boy.
JACKALOPE: I'm a super hero,
and we don't get killed
so eas... (GRUNTS)
(GROANING, SCREAMING)
MAN: And there's
the Gluttonator.
(GRUNTING)
- Nice one.
- (SIGHS)
Listen, boss,
I was just helping that kid.
Heroic stuff,
to be sure,
but here's the thing.
We work for the bad guys.
(SIGHS)
So what's it gonna be
this time?
- (BEEP)
- Huh?
MAN:
Meet your apprentice.
What the...
- (SCREAMING)
- Oh!
(GRUNTING)
Hey!
- Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
- (LAUGHS)
No. No, no, no.
No way!
Hi! My name's Le...
(GAGGING)
(GAGGING)
Oh! Motion sickness.
(RETCHING)
Whoa,
that's a lot of vomit.
(RETCHING)
Ahh.
(SIGHS)
Lester Fauntleroy Lederhosen
reporting for duty.
- Come on, boss, please.
- Get out of my office, Hank.
Oh, and don't forget.
You're on your third strike.
Oh, I got it.
Uh, sorry about the barf.
- HANK: Kid!
- Oh! Uh, sorry.
(GASPING)
Uh-oh. Bye.
(CHUCKLES)
Pete, you are good.
(SNIFFING, GAGGING)
Get a cleaning bot
in here, pronto.
Oh, man. I can't believe
that you are my mentor.
- Yeah, neither can I.
- Oh, thanks.
Ow! You kinda got me there.
I mean, yesterday
I was at the orphanage.
And today I'm here.
You gotta be kidding me.
Supervillain City!
- HANK: Kid?
- Oh, I'm coming.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
LESTER:
So let me get this straight.
I get to live here forever?
- 3.6 months, kid.
- What's that? Whoa!
That is the average life
expectancy of a henchmen trainee.
Oh, man.
(GASPS)
Is that who I think it is?
Were you kicked by a horse
at some point?
It's the Nemisisters!
Working in a bakery?
Yeah, supervillains don't tend
to save a lot for retirement.
- Oh. Hey, can we get a...
- Nope.
Aw.
(ELECTRONIC TWITTERING)
- Wow! Comics!
- Newspapers here, kid.
- What?
- Chronicles of disaster.
Oh, no way!
I love comics. Huh?
(GASPS)
Ho-ho!
Yoink.
Hey, hey!
We got one rule here, kid.
No crime.
But this
is Supervillain City.
Exactly.
Without that rule,
how long you think
this place would last?
Hmm. Makes sense.
- Hey there, sucker.
- Hello.
- You ever get shot in the keister?
- No.
- Well, I got a deal on bulletproof underpants.
- Really?
- Wanna blow up the planet?
- Maybe.
Of course, you do. Doesn't mean
you have to blow up your savings.
Two-for-one nukes at Discount
Desmond's Bomb-O-Rama!
Hey, I saw him first,
sweetheart!
Well, get lost, buddy,
because this is my corner.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Leave him alone, would ya?
He's a Class 3 trainee.
He's got no evil plans.
DROIDS (TOGETHER):
Or money.
Hey, wait! Come back!
(SIGHS)
I totally have evil plans.
Great, kid.
Now let's go find us a job.
- Ow.
- If we can.
Henchman today,
supervillain tomorrow.
(GASPS)
Hey, what's that!
That is the henchmen job fair.
Wow!
Hey! Free water wings
when you sign up with Tsunami.
Oh, come on! I'll throw in
a pair of flood pants.
(GASPS)
No way!
It's Shark Hands!
And Twisted Squidster!
I get to choose
who I work for?
Ah, no. I get to choose
who we work for.
(GASPS)
How 'bout Dr. Manbaby?
- See that diaper.
- Yeah.
- Not just a costume.
- Oh, cool.
Oh, wait. No. Eww.
- Heads up!
- Old Doug?
- Hey, boss.
- What happened?
I don't know.
You just got here.
- Where's your body?
- He went surfing with Dr. Shark Hands.
Yeah, that dude
has serious rage issues.
Now, I'm a spaceship.
(BEEPS, LAUGHS)
Kid, meet the crew. You met Old Doug.
This is Jane.
Hello there, peach fuzz.
- Stew.
- Hey.
- And Yakov.
- Da.
Great to meet you guys.
So who we working for
this time, boss?
- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Huh?
- Baron
- Whoa!
Blackout
Yeah
- Baron
- (COUGHING)
The Baron?
Baron Blackout
BARON BLACKOUT: Henchmen,
come forth and join me,
the last name in super evil.
Baron Blackout
- (FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
- Is this thing on?
Oh, forget it. Did I mention
I'm paying triple?
(CHEERING)
- Whoo!
- Sign me up!
- Triple wages?
- Uh, yes, please.
Ah! Easy, guys.
Remember Hank's Henchmen
Survival Rule Number Three?
- Oh, really?
- (SIGHS)
We never work
for Baron Blackout.
But triple pay, man!
And Rule Number Two.
It's triple pay!
I got bills, Hank. How am I
gonna pay for my eye cream?
That stuff is from Germany.
It's gotta be imported.
Who's ready to get paid?
Am I right?
(CHEERING)
You are!
I know you are, Dwayne!
I see you looking at me.
Come on! Get up here!
My number-one rule:
we never work with Biff.
Get up here.
(LAUGHING)
Well, well, well...
Hank "Chore-again."
Just read about that sweet move
you pulled on the Gluttonator.
- Get lost, Biff.
- Why don't you make me?
Janitor.
Well, since you asked
so nice...
You wanna fight him, you're
gonna have to get through me...
first.
Oh, you're big.
Oh, who's this little squirt?
- I'm...
- Oh, wait. I don't care.
Ow.
Later, mob jockeys.
High-pay duty calls!
Well, so much for that job.
Forget that ding-a-ling.
Guys, we'll catch up
with you later.
Kid, let's start you off
with something easy.
LESTER: The Supervillain
History Museum?
Oh, man, I bet you
come here all the time.
Never, kid.
Not really my thing.
Whoa...
(SWITCHES CLICKING)
Look how big is!
- Best birthday ever!
- Hey!
(LAUGHING)
The Oozinator!
Gross in the best way.
Oh! The Aquabot!
- HANK: Hey, kid.
- No way! (LAUGHS)
It's the Ray of Absurd Fears.
Platypus! Leg warmers!
Soup!
(CHUCKLES)
- So, how 'bout we get started...
- (CHUCKLES)
And there he goes.
Oh! A big thing covered
in a sheet!
Whoa! This is
the Time Bandit, Hank.
Looks a lot more "was"
than "is."
The Supers dropped
a volcano on it,
sealing him
in this giant diamond tomb.
(SCOFFS)
Superheroes.
Always with the overkill.
No. They were scared.
That glowing orb there,
that's whatifium.
Hmm. Now, where did I put
my "dontcarium"?
I don't think you understand,
Hank.
You break that thing open,
and it makes all
your dreams come true.
That sounds great,
but listen up.
There's no magic time bomb.
So get a grip, kid...
on this mop.
All right.
You got it, boss.
- (CRIES OUT)
- Oh, hey.
Watch it. Oh.
Sorry.
I was reading and walking.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Here, let me help you.
- Thanks.
- Wait.
- Don't I know you?
- Ugh.
- That's original.
- No.
You were a scientist
for Baron Blackout,
and I was...
The henchman who saved
those kids.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
- When did you...
- Get demoted to mop jockey?
About one hour after
we last saw each other.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, well...
I'm Hank... Hank Corrigan.
Jolene... Zen.
- Museum curator.
- Yeah.
All the cool gadgets
with none of the crazy bosses.
Oh, that sounds great.
- (CLATTERING)
- (GASPS)
Oh, no.
- Hey!
- Really, kid?
- What are you doing?
- I barely touched it.
I just restored this.
- (GRUNTS)
- I'm sorry.
Uh, hi. My name is Laura...
I mean Larry... Lester.
(SIGHS)
Yeah, he's fresh
off the hover bus
and a little too excited
about all things evil.
It's all right.
Just be careful.
I'll keep him on a short leash.
So, hey, what are you
doing later?
I was thinking maybe,
I don't know, we could...
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh, sorry. I have to take this.
Ooh, gotta run. Yeah.
Nice seeing you again, Hank.
Yeah, nice...
- seeing you, too.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
Boy, is she pretty.
All right, kid, fun's over.
We got a lot of mopping to do.
Hey, look!
She forgot her computer.
Perfect!
Kid, I'll be right back.
Don't move a muscle.
Not a muscle.
You got it, Hank.
Not a muscle.
BIFF: Henchmen! Attention!
Yes, sir!
The time has finally come
to meet your master of menace,
your titan of tyranny,
and ultimate evil overlord!
Henchmen, I give you...
Baron Blackout
Ha ha!
Welcome, my obedient
and disposable horde.
Join me on my quest
for global domination
and outright devotion.
(STRAINING)
(SHOUTING)
Stop it!
Not now!
No!
(GRUNTS)
Oh, I've had it.
I can't see. Biff!
- Help me get this thing off.
- Of course, sir.
- Come on, hurry up.
- Here we go.
- Ah!
- That's it, that's it.
- Now, easy. Easy.
- No. Hold still. Hold still.
- I can't see!
- Don't do that. I got... I got it.
- (SHOUTING)
- Let me. Let me.
Oh, come on.
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)
- Almost there!
- Oh! Do it now!
- Almost...
- Do it now!
- (PANTING)
- Are you all right, Baron?
Biff, you
lumbering buffoon.
Why are there no
nose holes in this thing?
I'm so sorry, sir. I'll have
some drilled right away.
Forget it. No more mask.
No more hiding.
But, sir, the union of evil,
they banned you
for when you fled.
Fled! I did not flee.
That was a strategic retreat.
Brilliant, sir!
A ten year retreat!
- Shut your bulbous face.
- Yes, sir.
Sorry, sir.
Now, you there,
in the helmet.
Uh, me?
No, of course not, you.
Him!
- Me?
- You're wearing a helmet, aren't you?
Uh, yeah.
Imbecile.
Come forward.
Stand over there by the wall.
Uh, yes, sir.
I have a few questions
for you on the subject...
(WHIMPERING)
...of loyalty.
(LESTER CHUCKLES)
Yeah! Come and get some!
Pew! Pew! Pew!
Oh, no way!
I am Hell Hawk!
Super Screech Attack!
(SCREECHING)
Huh? Cool!
Fear the mind-sucking gaze
of Brain Drain.
(VOCALIZING)
How do you stop
this thing? Aah!
No!
Well, that
could have been worse.
No, no, no, no!
Please stop! Oh!
Huh? What's that?
"Ubersuit Prototype."
Whoa!
Oh, man.
This is too cool.
They call me The Orphan!
(BEEPING)
- Input password.
- Password?
Password, correct.
What's happening? Huh?
Uh...
Okay, how about
I take the helmet off
and you go back in your box?
(SHOUTING)
Hey! Oh!
Aah! Ooh!
Get away from me!
Oh, yeah
Everybody was fighting
And the music was soothing
And they all started
grooving
Gotcha.
Aw, come on!
- Hey!
- Ballroom blitz
- Oh!
- Ballroom blitz
Stop!
(PANTING)
- Kid?
- Hank?
What are you doing?
Helmet! Suit! Chaos!
(SHOUTS)
Hey!
Lester!
Oh, no, no, no!
This cannot be happening.
Whoa! Oh, man.
- Oh!
- (ALARM BLARING)
(CHUCKLES)
Try that one on.
So what do you think, Lou?
I think there's
a new sheriff in town.
(LAUGHING)
Yo, check this out.
(LAUGHS)
Magnum A.I. on patrol!
- Hey, you hear an alarm?
- Yeah, I do.
Oooh! Maybe someone's
stealing things!
Let's check the news.
Terri will know
what's going on.
She is very reputable.
- Boom.
- Good evening.
I'm Terri Murphy, and this
is your Super News at 7.
- All right!
- (LAUGHING)
What do the Pressure Cooker,
Blast Radius,
and Dr. Manbaby
all have in common?
They were all defeated today
by the Friendly Force Five.
(SHOUTING)
Well, Captain Superior,
you sure had a busy day.
Mmm, no, we were done
by noon.
These evil fools got no game.
Like, none.
We could really use a challenge,
you know what I'm saying?
Well, you may just get
your wish.
This just in.
A brand-new supervillain
is on the loose.
In a matter of hours,
this unknown menace
has caused more chaos
than most supervillains have
in a lifetime.
He's been seen
decimating birthday cakes,
spawning tidal waves,
and ravaging
the Apex City Zoo.
Nobody is safe
from the mayhem.
Not even Pop Pop.
We may not know his name
or motives yet,
but one thing is very clear.
This guy means business.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
WOMAN: Today marked
the first Koala in space.
The little one's name is Kiki,
and she comes from the zoo
right here in Apex City.
(CHUCKLES)
Good on ya, Kiki.
So, you ready for action,
Captain Superior?
Uh... Uh...
Listen, Carrie...
- It's Terri.
- Whatever.
Good thoughts,
but we just saved
the entire world,
like, again,
and we're kind of
- eating right now.
- JACKALOPE: Hey, come on!
- So... (WHISTLES)
- JACKALOPE: Give me my sandwich!
Ahh!
ROBOT:
Where were you at 6 p.m.?
I was at home
shaving my chest. I swear.
ROBOT:
Hmm, very smooth.
So much for laying low.
I could run.
Oh, it'll just
make me look guilty.
Why'd I even become
a henchman?
I should build
a time machine.
(CHUCKLES)
Or better yet,
I could use...
What-if-ium!
(SIGHS)
Get real, Hank.
Well, I guess the kid got
exactly what he wanted.
(ICE CLATTERING)
Clearly, he wasn't
the bumbling newb
he pretended to be.
I think he was
a cold, calculating
criminal mastermind.
Help me!
(SCREAMING)
Well, Hank,
look on the bright side.
At least you
got rid of him. Huh?
- (LESTER SCREAMING)
- Huh?
- What?
- (SCREAMING)
(COUGHING)
(SIGHS)
Okay. All right.
You got me.
I give up.
- LESTER: Help.
- Huh?
(LESTER GROANS)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
Oh, my head.
- (GROANS)
- Kid?
Hank? Oh, man,
I am so glad to see you.
Hey, hey.
Hey! Get off me!
Oh! Oh, sorry.
You just destroyed
my apartment.
What? No, I didn't. I...
Oh. Yes. I did.
Wait a second.
You've never been here.
How did you find me?
I didn't.
I think it did.
Look, whatever your
ridiculous plan is,
I want no part of it.
Plan?
(GASPS) You think
I stole this thing?
You just smashed through
my wall wearing it.
Yeah, but... that's
not what happened.
Sure, I tried the helmet on,
but then the suit
just grabbed me.
Look, kid, you want to be
a supervillain,
you're on your own.
I can't do this alone.
I need your help.
You're my mentor.
Not anymore.
What am I supposed to do?
- Figure it out!
- I told you I can't!
Kid... Whoa!
- (SCREAMING)
- (GRUNTING)
Ah! Oh, no!
I am so sorry, Hank.
Are you hurt?
I didn't mean to...
I can't control this thing.
- Whoa.
- Ah! Help me!
Okay, hold on.
(WHIMPERING)
Uh... Open the visor.
Open the visor?
I can't!
(GASPS) Oh...
- What now?
- Sorry, kid.
Why?
Ahh!
(SNORING)
Not to worry.
Almost done.
Just one more question.
Uh, yes, sir?
Which is your
favorite... nut?
Oh, uh...
Favorite, sir?
Yes. Almond? Filbert?
Brazil?
Oh. Macadamia. Sir.
Right, then.
So, when you find yourself
at a communal nut bowl,
do you take a polite handful,
or do you pick out just
your beloved Macadamia?
Oh, uh, I guess
it depends, sir.
Does it?
- (SCREAMING)
- (GASPING)
(DISTORTED)
Baron Blackout.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
Nuts to you.
(MANIACAL LAUGH) Get it?
See what I did there?
Next!
- BIFF: Uh, Baron...
- I said next.
Well, that was
the last one, sir.
What are you talking about?
Oh, how is this possible?
Uh, well, you
blacked 'em all out, Baron.
- Look.
- Huh?
BARON BLACKOUT: Well, at
least now they can be trusted.
- Is my ship ready?
- Uh, no, sir.
(GROANING)
And what, pray tell, is
your sorry excuse this time?
These things.
They're useless.
- Man, come on.
- (GRUNTING)
- (GASPING)
- HENCHMAN: Baron Blackout.
- Well, do it without them.
- Not possible, sir.
We do need
some henchmen.
- Brutus, help me!
- Oh, nasty.
Fine.
Then get more.
Of course, sir,
but, uh,
what do I say if
the Union has questions?
Leave it to me, Biff.
I'll put their worries
to rest.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
- (GROANING)
- Ah! Get it off me!
BARON BLACKOUT: Biff!
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
- Hello?
- MAN: (INDISTINCT)
Yes, I know.
It's very bad, sir.
(INDISTINCT)
Who stole it?
Ow!
No idea. Ah!
But this is
Supervillain City,
so plenty of suspects.
MAN: Then figure it out!
(SIGHS)
Always a pleasure, sir.
- (TORCH CRACKLING)
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
(GROANS)
What now?
(DOOR OPENS)
Hello? Who's there?
- Jolene?
- Hank?
What are you...
doing here?
Yeah, uh, I was in
the neighborhood,
so thought I'd pop by.
Pop by?
Wow. How did you get
such a great place?
I bought it.
What is that?
Uh... you know that thing
that happened at the museum?
Yes, of course I do.
Okay, well,
I really need a favor.
- (GROANING)
- (GASPS) You?
You stole it?
Me? No, it was the kid.
Look, I wasn't even there.
Yes, you were, Hank.
I talked to you.
Yeah, but...
Here.
I came looking for you,
and when I got back,
- the museum was...
- Destroyed?
Yeah, I noticed.
Do you have any idea
how bad this is?
Yes, I do.
(SIGHS)
Can you help us?
(SIGHS) So who did
this suit belong to?
A villain named
Endgame.
Well, how did he
get out of it?
Well... (SIGHS)
- With a hose.
- What?
He slammed straight into
a mountain
the first time he used it.
Oh, man.
(GROANING)
Huh?
I can't move my arms.
- I...
- Easy kid.
She's just trying to help.
(GASPS)
You get away from me!
Visor down.
Visor down!
Get back.
You're scaring him.
Lester, no. No!
Great.
(SCREAMING)
Lester, stop!
(GASPING, SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
Help me.
Help me!
Punch him in the face!
Ah! No punching.
No punching!
Ohh! Ahh!
- Oh, no!
- (GROANING)
No one is going to hurt you.
You have to calm down.
- I can't!
- Just breathe.
Breathe? Oh, my God,
am I not breathing?
(SCREAMING)
- Oh!
- I want to get off. I want to get off!
Lester, breathe with me.
- In. Out.
- (PANTING)
Slower. In. Out.
(BREATHING SLOWS)
That's the way.
(LESTER GROANS)
(SIGHS)
So it's emotionally
responsive.
Fascinating.
All right, so...
how's this thing work?
Yeah. Please help me.
It's not that simple.
I need to take a scan,
run a whole battery of
test scenarios.
Okay, then, so, um,
just gonna let myself out.
Mm-hm.
Wait. You're leaving?
Why?
(SIGHS) Uh, well...
I gotta fix my wall,
cover our tracks,
and I have to concoct
an airtight alibi.
- Alibi?
- Well, yeah.
We don't want to
go to prison.
We're going to prison?!
No! No, of course not.
And anyway, as long as
you're in that suit,
they don't make a cell
strong enough to hold you.
Oh, yeah. Right.
So, that suit can
blast through anything?
Weren't you leaving?
Uh, yeah, hey, look.
I'm sorry about that.
You know, it's been
a really long, crazy day,
and I guess I just...
I... I panicked.
I get it, Hank.
It's okay.
Looks like it's gonna be
a long night.
Do you have any coffee?
I only have herbal tea.
Hey. I love herbal tea.
Oh. Okay.
Uh, well, I guess
I'll be right back.
HANK: No rush.
It's not like we're
goin' anywhere.
(CHUCKLES)
Perfect.
All right, kid, let's go.
- But what about your tea?
- Shh.
You want to be
a supervillain, right?
Well, of course, but...
(WHISPERING)
I got a new plan, kid.
One that will
totally fix this.
And, well, everything.
- Everything?
- Yeah.
So what do you say?
Apprentice.
So, I have
Raspberry Dazzler,
Blueberry Nighty-night,
and Lemon...
Ginger!
(SIGHS) Of course.
You're gone.
HANK: There we are.
Roid Rage has got
his finger on the detonator,
not a super hero in sight.
Then what happened?
Well, he finishes an
extended maniacal cackle,
and it leaves him thirsty,
so he takes
a sip of coffee,
- and, boom!
- He blew up the planet.
(CHUCKLES)
Classic Roid Rage.
No, no.
Stew brought him decaf,
Roid Rage flips out,
completely trashes
his own lair,
supers take full credit,
of course,
but really, Stew saved
the entire world.
Wow. I guess a lot can happen
on your first day, huh?
Yeah, tell me about it.
Oh! Story time.
(CHUCKLES) That was
a long time ago, kid.
Wait, wait, wait.
Proceed.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, okay.
I was working for that
Baron Blackout guy...
- (ZAPPING)
- (MOOING)
Ahh! A cow?
Yeah, you nailed it, sir!
I wasn't aiming for
the cow.
I was aiming for that!
Children?
You can't do that.
I'm Baron Blackout.
I can do whatever I want.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
See that, trainee?
That's how it's done.
More power.
Give me full power!
No! You can't do this.
Get her out of my sight.
(RUMBLING)
Sir, super heroes!
- Hello?
- (GROANS)
Any baddie home?
(CHUCKLES)
Captain Superior.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
I'm going to enjoy this.
(CAPTAIN SUPERIOR LAUGHS)
How's that for a headline?
BARON BLACKOUT:
Here's a headline.
Blathering heroes,
fail to save children...
then die.
- Oh!
- Ha!
(POWERING DOWN)
What?
It can't be!
No. No.
No, no, no, no!
My blackout ray.
It happens to
the best of us.
Huh?
(LAUGHING)
Hey! Shut up!
ALL: Yes, sir.
What's this?
How dare you.
- Get him!
- Huh?
LESTER: Wait a second,
I remember this one.
"Friendly Force Five,"
issue 126.
"The Henchman with
a Heart of Gold."
Please don't call me that.
LESTER: Yeah,
and right after that,
Baron was all like,
"Strategic retreat!"
And then he took off in his
secret escape pod thingy.
(IMITATES JET ENGINE)
The henchmen had to
surrender, and were, like...
"Do you know
what you've done?
And you were, like,
"I saved those kids."
And he said,
"I'm gonna tell the Union
all about it"
And then everybody
laughed and laughed,
and laughed, and laughed.
(LAUGHING)
And as for you...
I've been pushing a mop
ever since.
(INHALES) Right.
Okay, lift, kid.
(GRUNTING)
There.
That should be enough.
Enough for what?
You want to be
a supervillain,
you gotta learn
how to use the suit.
How am I gonna do that?
All you need is
the right motivation.
Whoa!
Ahh!
(GRUNTING)
Ahh! Huh?
Ahh!
(LAUGHING)
Uh-oh.
Whoa-oh-oh!
I keep rollin'
down the road
(CHUCKLES)
(GRUNTING)
- Go!
- Oh!
(SCREAMING)
I keep rollin'
down the road
Whoops.
(SCREAMING)
I ain't got me nobody
- Kid?
- I'm okay.
Fire!
- Hey!
- Sorry.
(GRUNTING)
Fire!
Come on, dig deep.
(GRUNTING)
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTING)
(CHUCKLES) Wow!
Yeah! That was great!
- Fire.
- Fire!
Ah-ha!
Oh, no.
(GRUNTING)
- Oh.
- Ahh! Ahh!
(GRUNTS)
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
Come on.
(METAL CLANKS)
- Yes!
- Yeah! Ooh!
Excuse me.
(GRUNTING)
Yeah!
(GRUNTS)
Whoo!
You got this.
Yeah!
(LAUGHS)
Woo!
Wow!
Fire!
(EXPLOSIONS)
Hi-ya!
BLOOP (ON TV): Whoa, yeah.
There was, like, 20 of 'em.
BLEEP: Yeah,
and pretty sure they were
- telepathic, cyborg...
- BOTH: Ninjas.
They're just lucky I didn't
bring my nunchuckers to work.
Yeah. Bloop is like
deadly with nunchucks.
You don't even know.
Hi-ya!
- (GRUNTING)
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey!
- (GIBBERISH)
- Give me that.
- Oh, dizzy.
Get outta here,
you...
(GROANS)
To the perpetrators
of this theft,
I don't care if you're
a telepathic cyborg ninja...
or any other kind of ninja...
you will be caught,
and you will be punished!
That is all.
Someone's in
very deep doodoo.
Yeah. Just how stupid
do you gotta be
to break our only law?
- Hey, guys.
- ALL: Hank!
Who's thirsty?
Not me, boss.
Lookie here.
(SIPPING)
Ahh...
Ah... Ahh.
Ahh.
It's bottomless.
Like me.
So, Hank,
you guys done or what?
Yeah. Yeah,
you could say that.
Great. Let's get
back to work.
Whoa, guys.
Hold on a second.
It's, uh...
It's the kid.
Dead already. Well,
I've outlived another one.
Okay, so last night...
the kid and I,
we were working...
(WHISPERING)
at the museum.
ALL: Museum!
- No!
- Huh?
- What?
- Uh... is closed,
so, sorry, guys.
Can't go there today.
- Aww...
- (GROANS)
Keep it down.
Hank, what's going on?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I think I got it.
The kid saw the thieves.
No, it's, uh... it's
a little worse than that.
Worse? How?
I mean, it's not like
you guys did it,
or something.
- Oh, Hank.
- Huh?
Oh.
Oh, now that's not even
close to funny, man.
It was just an accident.
Breaking a lamp is
just an accident.
- This is...
- As bad as it gets. I know.
(SIGHS) Listen, if I could just
get the kid back in there,
I can make this all go away.
Great!
Then go do it.
Put our drinks
on your tab anyway.
Yeah,
what you waitin' for?
- Uh, well...
- He needs our help.
Don't ya, Hank?
Yeah, I really do.
STEW:
Hank calls this a plan?
More like robot
assisted suicide.
JANE: Relax.
We've totally got this.
Don't we, old timer?
I have a pot
on my head.
HANK: Here they come.
Get ready, kid.
And that's when I had to
register these bad boys
as deadly weapons.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Want to see why?
You?
What about you?
I'll take that as a yes.
Ready. Set. Hit.
Stun. Karate. Judo.
Spin-a-rama!
Dead!
- Huh? Whoa.
- DOUG: Ow!
Hey, watch it, buddy.
Halt!
This is a crime scene.
Authorized personnel
only.
Yeah, move it or lose it.
Easy there, handsome.
(GIGGLES)
BOTH: Lady bot.
We are here on
official union...
business.
- (WHIMPERING)
- (SHUDDERING)
Let's go.
BLOOP:
Uh, 'scuse me, miss, uh,
I'm gonna need to see
some, uh...
credentials.
Oh! Uh...
- Credentials?
- Oh!
I don't need no credentials.
I got pinchy,
and I got flippy.
Oh. Uh...
Stew's not really
a robot. Run!
- Ooh!
- Stop right now!
Robot impersonators!
Ahh. Ahh!
They stole my nunchucks.
Come back here, yous!
(DOOR CREAKING)
Okay. All clear.
Come on.
Uh, ooh.
(GASPS) Wow.
Did I really do all this?
HANK: Yeah, you sure did.
But, uh,
not for much longer.
What do you mean?
The plan.
The Time Bandit?
Not him. That.
What-if-ium.
That's the plan?
Yep. Like you said,
it'll make all our dreams
come true.
But then you told me to
get a grip on reality.
Yeah, and then you
changed our reality,
so, uh, blast away, kid.
We're in a hurry.
Oh!
Uh, okay, Hank.
(GRUNTS)
Oop... Ooh.
Give me a minute.
(GRUNTING)
Okay.
Come on.
Come on.
And... fire!
- Oh...
- Hmm.
I got one more,
I got one more.
Come on.
Let's get some.
And... fire!
(YELLING)
(STRAINING)
Come on!
(STRAINING)
(GROANS)
I'm sorry, Hank.
I just can't do it.
It's okay, kid.
(SIGHS)
Oh, boy.
I mean, really.
What was I thinking?
You can't even push
a mop straight.
What?
It was my first day.
Yeah, and you want to be
a supervillain.
What are you saying?
The real bad guys don't
throw in the towel
the first time they get
a scratch.
- (METAL SCRAPING)
- Hey!
I've worked with
the best of the bad.
Look around you.
You ain't one of 'em.
Hey, that's not fair.
This suit attacked me.
The suit.
Handed the ultimate weapon
on a silver platter.
What?
And not even that helps you
get the job done.
What are you talking about?
Oh, and that
supervillain name.
The Orphan!
(LAUGHS)
Why don't you just
call yourself Pipe Dream.
- What are you doing?
- How about Life Ruiner?
'Cause you really did
a number on mine.
Oh! Stop!
I don't think
Fantastic Failure is taken.
Shut up.
Yeah, that's got
a real nice ring to it.
I said shut up!
It doesn't matter
what we call you
because you're useless.
Shut. Up!
Whoa.
(CLANKING)
Perfect.
(CLATTERING)
Whoa.
(GRUNTS)
Ha-ha! I knew
you could do it, kid.
Man, that was something.
(PANTING)
Ah, man.
Listen, I know that was
a real dirty trick,
but it was the only way.
I thought you were
my friend.
Oh, I am, kid, really.
I didn't mean it.
And as soon as
we use this...
I will never have
said it at all.
You're under arrest.
Unhand the What-if-ium.
- Oh, great.
- You are under arrest.
- Unhand the What-if-ium.
- You are under arrest.
Unhand the What-if-ium.
You are under arrest.
Unhand the What-if-ium.
You are under arrest.
(SCREAMING)
- Huh?
- (SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
Ahh!
ROBOT: You are under arrest.
Unhand the What-if-ium.
What-if-ium?
Oh, no.
Guys, what have you done?
Man, I don't like this.
They should be here by now.
Don't worry.
They will.
- (SCREAMING)
- I'm hearing those voices again, man.
- Huh?
- HANK: Brakes, kid.
Brakes, brakes, brakes,
brakes, brakes!
Hit the brakes!
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
(GASPS) Hank!
Uh, huh!
(GROANING)
- Yeah.
- Are you all right?
(GROANS) Yeah.
I'll live.
- Since when do you fly?
- Da?
Uh...
LESTER: He doesn't.
(GRUNTING)
I do.
STEW: Wait. Why are you
still in that thing?
What's going on, Hank?
You said you were gonna
make it "go away."
I put air quotes around it
because those were your words.
Ugh. Ahh!
No, no, guys,
the plan worked perfectly.
I got the What-if-ium.
Whoa. What's that?
This is the solution
to all of our problems.
- (CAR HORN HONKING)
- Huh?
No, Hank.
Stop!
- Who is that?
- This guy and his secrets.
You can't do this!
And why not?
Because we have no idea
what it might do.
Well, what it might do is
give us all a brand new life.
We get to start again.
Start what again?
Everything.
I break this,
the kid gets to be
a supervillain,
and we don't have to be
henchmen anymore.
- What?
- But you guys are all I have.
Da.
You can't make
this decision for us, Hank.
She's right.
Just think about this
for a second.
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry, guys.
No, don't!
Huh?
(WHIRRING)
(ZAPPING)
It's not your decision
to make, Hank.
You did not just try to
erase my life.
I was just trying to
make things better.
- For all of us.
- No.
You did this for you.
- No, listen...
- Hank, admit it.
- You lied to us.
- Well, yeah, but I mean...
This is ridiculous.
Just stop!
Let's go, guys.
Something stinks
around here.
Da.
Guys, come on.
You know me.
I wasn't trying to...
Wait.
Guys, come on.
We're a team.
(GROANS)
Come on, Lester.
Let's get you out of here.
And out of this suit.
Guys.
What if it had worked?
Then maybe you would have
been a better friend.
(HARMONICA)
(CHOPIN'S
"FUNERAL MARCH")
Do you have to do that now?
Well, I know some T. Swift
if you'd rather.
Man, just do, like,
anything else.
I do know something else.
But only on the bagpipes.
Bagpipes?!
Man, that's way worse.
Look alive,
citizens of Loserville.
- (ROBOT SCREAMS)
- I've got a job for you.
Not interested, Biff.
And I wasn't asking.
(GUNS COCKING)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKING)
JANE: (GIGGLING)
All right, who's next?
DOUG: (LAUGHS)
Woohoo!
Come on, Yakov,
you've got this.
Da.
(STRAINING)
- (GASPING)
- Ooh! Seven seconds.
That's a new record.
- You're next, handsome.
- Yeah, Hank.
Get over here.
Huh?
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
(COUGHING)
Strike three!
(LAUGHS)
(COUGHING)
Boss?
You're out, Hank.
You could have killed me.
Yeah.
I know.
Makin' a run for it,
huh?
Well, I'm kinda low
on options.
Low?
(CHUCKLES)
No, Hank.
You're fresh out.
Bring him in, boys.
Oh, great.
JOLENE:
He's the most selfish...
- LESTER: (GROANING)
- JOLENE: Obstinate...
Meatheaded man
I have ever met.
(SHUDDERING)
Uh... Are you sure
this is gonna work?
Yes, Lester, of course.
I just have to find
the right frequency.
Ugh! He could have
killed us!
- Yeah. Um, Jolene...
- But he knows best!
Maybe we should take
a little... Ahhh!
- Trying to help?
- (GROANS)
Yeah. Help himself!
Henchmen.
(GROANING)
It's stuck!
Oh! Lester.
I'm so sorry.
Ahh. Thanks.
(PANTING) So...
you're really mad
at Hank, huh?
Yes! Aren't you?
Uh, yeah, I am,
but Hank saved my life
two minutes after
I met the guy.
And back at the dump,
he really thought it was
our best chance.
You mean his best chance.
Oh, he was wrong.
For sure.
No doubt about that.
- I... I just think he's...
- Selfish? Stubborn?
- And totally...
- Lost.
He feels trapped.
I know that feeling.
It made me think I wanted
to be a supervillain.
Turns out, I was just...
lonely.
And these bad guys
seemed really good at...
being alone.
Ahhh!
(GASPS)
Oh! Sorry.
(GROANS)
- BARON BLACKOUT: Biff.
- BIFF: Yes, sir?
BARON BLACKOUT:
Who are they?
Uh, well, these are
the new henchmen, sir.
Henchmen for whom,
the evil Quicky Lube?
(LAUGHING)
Actually, we prefer
henchpeople.
Shut your talkin' hole,
recruit!
Recruit?
You kidnapped us, dude.
Oh, boo-hoo.
You're in big trouble
with the Union.
Oh, are we now?
Well, then, I'd better
get rid of the evidence.
Stand against the wall.
That is one creepy smile.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
(WHIRRING)
- (GASPING)
- (LAUGHING)
- Baron, stop!
- What?
Uh, sorry, sir.
I mean,
we really need them.
We have electrical issues.
We really need a cook.
- Oh...
- And the bathrooms.
Whatever those zombies
are doing in there,
it's more like an eight
than a number two.
Oh, fine!
Put them to work.
- Whew.
- (SIGHING)
I'll just zap them later.
I'm ready.
Let's go, full blast!
(STRAINING)
Huh?
Uh, wait a second.
- Wh... What's happening?
- I'm sorry, Lester.
I've tried every frequency
on the spectrum.
What? No.
Jolene,
you have to get me out.
You said this would work.
I know. I really
thought it would.
What if I have
a late growth spurt?
Uh, that's not gonna happen.
I'm never gonna see
my toes again.
That's very unlikely.
Oh, I'm just gonna
do this myself.
Lester.
Aw! Piece of junk.
- This isn't the way.
- Aha!
- (WHIRRING)
- (GASPS)
Now we're talking.
(SCREAMING)
- Stop it.
- What?
How, exactly?
- This thing jumped on me.
- Lester.
I didn't ask for it.
Mind control, my butt.
Oh, great.
Now my butt's itchy.
Lester, that's it!
- My butt?
- No, your mind!
Yeah, I know!
I'm losing my mind!
Your happy place.
Just close your eyes
and remember a time
when you felt safe
and cared for.
Uh, you do know I'm
an orphan, right?
Just try, Lester.
Please.
Okay, okay.
Comic book nerd,
comic book nerd
I'm not sure I have
a happy place.
Happy place, happy place,
happy place.
Way to go, Lester.
I knew you could do it.
JOLENE: Lester? Lester?
Lester.
Are you all right?
Uh, I think so.
It's just... Huh?
Whoa!
(LAUGHING)
It worked!
It really worked! Thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Uh, you're welcome.
- (EXPLOSION)
What was the that?
- Denizens of Supervillain City...
- Come on!
...it is I, Baron Blackout!
I can't believe this.
I am taking over the world,
starting with this
wretched island.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, no. Lester, run!
What in the blue blazes
is going on, Hank!
How should I know?
I'm not Baron Blackout!
It's always you, Corrigan.
Every time something's screwy,
it's your fault.
I... Huh?
Hey, boss, stop!
I gotta get my crew.
You don't have
a crew anymore, Hank.
- (ROARS)
- Hey! Stop it!
What do you think
you're doing? Whoa!
Uh-oh.
Aah!
Now that I have
your undivided attention...
Hey!
No fleeing.
Now, listen.
I have a pressing appointment
with the Friendly Force Five,
so I'll keep this short.
Serve me or die.
(CROWD GASPS)
(BLACKOUT LAUGHING)
(WIND WHISTLING)
(HANK GROANING)
(COUGHING)
- You're mine, Corrigan!
- Oh!
I'm taking you in
if it's the last thing I do!
Get off of me!
Sorry, boss.
Just listen,
I have a plan.
Let me guess.
Lay low, do the bare minimum,
and sit on your a...
Nope. Not this time.
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)
- (EXHALES) Hmm? Oh!
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Guys! Anyone here?
- Hank?
- Doug!
You're alive!
No, I just lost five bucks,
but I'm happy to see you.
Don't worry.
We're all getting out of here.
- Now, where's the crew?
- Well, Biff took 'em.
Oh, no. Blackout!
Blackout?
Is that why I can't see?
It's time I did
what henchmen do best.
Got ya! Torch the bar
and move to Mexico!
No, fix it.
I got 'em into this mess,
and I'm gonna get 'em out.
Great!
Let's wear matching outfits.
Sorry, old-timer,
but I gotta do this one solo.
Oh, thank goodness.
Doug, I really need a favor.
Yeah, give me names, Hank.
Consider 'em dead.
Terri Murphy here with
an Apex City News exclusive.
A supervillain has just parked
on the Friendly Force Five
front door.
- (FIREWORKS WHISTLING)
- Ooh! Here they come now.
- Hey, I remember this loser.
- Yes, so do I.
He ran away like
a little baby chicken.
(CLUCKING, GIGGLING)
(LAUGHING)
Oh?
(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
You guys go ahead.
I'll catch up in a bit.
- (GROANS)
- Every time.
- Hello, Chicken Man.
- Well, hello there.
Long time, no see.
- Yeah, you get your little thingy fixed?
- (GIGGLING)
(CHUCKLES)
How about I show you?
This goes a lot faster
without Captain Blabbermouth...
(ALL SHOUTING)
- My many, many superpowers.
- (BODIES THUDDING)
Your team, they're all gone.
Shh, shh, shh!
(CREATURES GROANING)
- Capisce? That's Spanish.
- Italian.
Sure, I can do pasta.
Pick you up at seven?
You are the stupidest man...
Ah! Mama!
Baron Blackout.
It's all clear.
(GASPS)
Whoa.
Ugh.
I can't believe it.
Here's Dougie!
(LAUGHS)
Old Doug?
Say, I'm looking for
that sciency lady.
You mean Jolene?
Close enough.
- You're here to see me?
- Sure am.
Hank sent me here to give
you an important massage.
- Oh, uh...
- Ooh, I meant message,
like them fancy emails.
Just something about Hank
surviving the mission,
risking life and limb
to redeem himself.
- I don't know.
- Doug! Survive what mission?
Oh, sticking it
to the man, man.
He's going after Blackout.
Hank's taking on the Baron?
- Alone?
- He is?
- He'll be obliterated.
- Obliterated with a capitol "D ."
Oh, no.
- (ROARING)
- (CROWD CLAMORING)
(CRIES OUT)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, this took so long...
but, boy, was it worth it.
(LAUGHING)
Update me, Biff.
Sir, you've defeated
the Supers.
Your mindless horde has
Apex City in total panic,
and the president is awaiting
your demands.
Perfect. It's all just
so bloody perfect.
- (ALARM BLARING)
- Incoming craft, sir.
- What?
- Weapons detected, sir.
We are under attack.
Who would dare?
Hey, Blackout!
Say hello to my little friend!
(BELL DINGS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Was that it?
(LAUGHS)
I know, right?
He may as well have thrown
a sandal at us.
He was all like, "I'm gonna be
a big hero, save the world."
And our ship was all like,
"I don't think so, son!"
Zoom in.
Who is this dolt?
- Hank Corrigan.
- I remember that face!
Traitor.
Oh! Uh...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
(HANK SHOUTING)
(CHUCKLES)
Showtime.
The mountain is high
The valley is low
And you're confused
On which way to go
So I've come here
(WHISTLING ALONG)
Here's my turn.
Into the promised land
- So come on and take a free ride
- Come on.
Free ride
Come on and sit here
by my side
RADIO AND HANK: Come
on and take a free ride
Huh?
(CHUCKLES)
Jackpot!
(CRIES OUT)
- Come on
- Ha-ha!
- It ain't rocket science, baby!
- (HORN BLARING)
Huh?
(EXHALES)
- (CONTINUES)
- What?
(CHUCKLES)
Follow me, boys.
Free ride
Yes, I am taking over
the world, Mr. President.
Oh, no, no, no,
it's not fake news.
Baron, look!
Why isn't he dead?
COMPUTER:
Auto-pilot engaged.
- Sir, he's ramming us.
- Fool! He will be crushed.
Wait.
- (CRIES OUT)
- Oh, no.
No!
(SCREAMING)
Free ride
Baron?
- (COUGHING)
- (ALARM BLARING)
(GASPS)
My blackout ray!
The ray is undamaged, sir.
Oh, thank goodness.
I thought I'd lost you,
but you're okay.
Yes. Yes, you are.
(KISSING)
- Baron!
- Huh?
(HANK STRAINING)
Whoa!
Not yet.
So, Hank, is it?
- Yeah.
- Okay, Hank.
Now, what exactly is it
about me in particular
that drives a nothing like you
to such absurdly heroic acts?
My friends.
Like a dare?
No, like you took them.
Oh, I see.
So you're here to demand
their safe return or else.
That was the plan.
You do realize you're unarmed.
- I dropped my gun.
- Yes, I saw that.
Well, how 'bout this?
You want your friends,
just ask.
Very funny.
Ask me now.
I insist.
Okay.
May I have my crew back?
Hmm.
Let me think.
No!
- Oh!
- You're dead, Corrigan.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
Goodbye, worm.
(LAUGHING)
Ahh!
(BLACKOUT GROANS)
Lester,
what are you doing here?
Just passing by.
Kill him now!
- Huh!
- Watch out!
- (LASERS FIRING)
- (GRUNTING)
Ahh, come on!
Yeeha!
Ugh! They keep coming!
Need a rescue,
henchman?
- (LASER FIRES)
- You're dead meat, Corrigan!
Go get the crew!
(STRAINING)
I got this.
- You sure, kid?
- No,
but do it anyway.
- Let's go!
- Oh!
- (LASER FIRING)
- (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
After them,
you idiots!
Yes, sir!
(GRUNTING)
So, what's the plan, Hank?
We're gonna start by
running for our lives.
Now, that's a plan.
We got you now, Corrigan.
(LASER FIRING)
In here.
Come on, quick.
BIFF: Marco!
- Po...
- Shh.
- (FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING)
- Ohh.
COMPUTER: Escape pod
leaving in 10 seconds.
- STEW: Here we go.
- Huh?
- Stew? Wow.
- COMPUTER: 8... 7...
- 6... 5...
- JANE: Old Doug?
Old Doug?
He's here, too?
HANK: Guys, wait.
Lester's still on the...
Ship.
LESTER: Ahh!
BARON BLACKOUT: Now that
is an impressive suit.
Ahh!
Ahh! Ahh!
But why are you using it
to help a bunch of
useless henchmen?
Because I am a henchman!
(GRUNTS)
Ahh! Ahh!
Henchman? Ha!
You could be so much more.
Give me that suit,
and I'll teach you
everything you need to know.
LESTER: What?
(GRUNTS)
You want to train me?
Oh, yes.
Just think of what
you could become.
You could be just like me.
A supervillain?
And not just any
supervillain.
The Orphan.
The Orphan?
Oh, sure. Yes.
Nobody to hold you back.
No family to worry about.
No friends.
That's very good.
No friends?
Just you and me
together.
Trust me.
Okay.
Okay, yeah.
Deal.
Perfect.
Happy place.
Happy place.
Whoo.
Ahh!
(GRUNTS)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
Fool.
HANK: What are we
looking for here?
It's a small vent,
about this big.
You mean like that one?
That's it!
- We have to get down there.
- Whoa!
Hey, Corrigan.
What do you think you're doin'?
Oh, nothin',
just boring
third class henchmen
janitor stuff.
Very funny.
Drop it!
You want me to drop
this wrench down there?
- Ah!
- Oh!
Just do it!
You've got the gun,
you make the rules.
Back.
Little more.
Right there.
Now!
(GRUNTS)
(CLANKING)
- (EXHALES)
- This is it.
The end of the road
for Hank Chorrigan.
(LAUGHS)
(CRACKLING)
How does it feel to lose
for the last time,
loser?
Well, Biff, it's like
that feeling.
You know the one.
(CLANKING)
When you realize
the idiot losers
who build it and fix it...
Uhh...
Also know
exactly how to...
(CRACKLING)
- break it.
- Huh?
(GRUNTS)
Ohh!
Now let's go!
Corrigan!
Huh?
(HISSING)
Uh-oh.
(SCREAMING)
(EXPLOSIONS)
(GASPS)
What was that?
(GASPING)
Ohh!
(MUZAK)
Get ready.
(RUMBLING)
(LOUD THUDDING)
Come on, you.
Let's finish this.
On!
Attach!
- (GROANING)
- I said let's go!
What happened?
Oh! You're alive.
Tell me how it works.
(GASPS)
Yeah, yeah, okay, okay.
Now!
Look, all you gotta do
is say the password.
- What password?
- COMPUTER: Password correct.
Huh? Oh.
Oh, this is good.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, tickles a bit.
(LAUGHING)
It's a touch snug.
Oh. Oh, yes.
Oh, I can feel it.
(LAUGHS)
It's all mine.
The power.
The power!
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
Lester?
- You!
- HANK: Blackout!
JOLENE: Oh, no.
Lester,
what have you done?
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
(GRUNTING)
BARON BLACKOUT:
Brilliant!
Oh, this is gonna be
so much fun!
So, Hank, how should we
end you? Hm?
Ooh, yes. How about that?
Barbecue.
- (LAUGHING)
- (GRUNTS) No.
What else can this baby do?
Ha! Smoked!
(LAUGHING)
Frostbite!
(LAUGHS)
Confettied?
Oh, that's a terrible idea.
Who put that in there?
LESTER:
Why aim so small, sir?
- Huh?
- Meddling henchmen like these two
deserve something
a little more...
diabolical.
(GRUNTS)
Kid. What are you...
Oh! Have you met my new...
apprentice?
(GRUNTING)
Lester...
Save it, Chorrigan.
I finally know what
I'm supposed to do,
and who I'm meant to be,
no thanks to you.
(STRAINING)
I am a supervillain.
I am The Orphan!
I just needed
the right mentor
to teach me.
That's very good.
The is the Baron Blackout,
the world's greatest
criminal mastermind.
- (LAUGHING)
- He answers to nobody.
He commands
a giant warship.
He turns entire cities
into mindless minions.
Oh, yes.
I am spectacular.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
Keep talking.
LESTER: In "Friendly
Force Five," issue 80,
he stole
the Diamond of Destiny!
Oh, yes.
That was a good one.
Ah, I remember that well.
Or in "Moonbeam,"
issue 42,
when he sunk
the unsinkable island!
(LAUGHS)
The power.
Mine at last.
I feel the power!
Or who could forget
"Earth Dude," 422,
when he flattened
the Forest of Fortitude!
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
(LAUGHING)
- (GASPS)
- (GRUNTS) No.
(LAUGHING)
And what have you done,
Hank?
Who are you compared to
the great Baron Blackout?
Lester.
(LAUGHING)
(GASPING)
Why, with his mind
and that suit...
anything is possible.
(STRAINING) What?
Well, almost anything.
(LASER FIRES)
Yes, that's the...
What? Come again?
Uh, you know what?
I just remembered.
The Diamond of Destiny
was a dud, wasn't it?
What? No! Never!
Ahh! Ohh!
- (BLACKOUT SCREAMS)
- LESTER: And that island.
I just remembered
it resurfaced.
Yeah, pretty sure Blackout
ended up being chased off
by a flock of
adorable hummingbirds.
Ahh!
They were vicious!
And didn't the Forest
of Fortitude grow back?
- Ahh!
- Yeah, actually,
I remember the last frame
of the comic.
It was Baron here
gettin' licked by a harmless
little tree frog.
Ugh! It was... Ahh!
Poisonous!
You see, Baron,
that's the problem.
Ow! Ohh! Ahh!
You're a bad guy.
(SPUTTERING)
And bad guys...
always lose.
What?!
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(SCREAMING)
(WHIRRING)
BOTH: Whoa!
Whoa!
Oh!
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
I will... not be bested...
by a bunch of useless...
henchmen!
- (EXPLOSION)
- (BLACKOUT SCREAMING)
Was that good or bad?
(GASPS) Da!
(COUGHING)
Hey, guys.
- Lester!
- What took you so long?
Well, we just had
a little cleaning up to do.
Spoken like
a true henchman.
Welcome to the crew.
Hey, Lester.
Thanks.
You got it, boss.
Ah, come here.
Aww.
Isn't this just too sweet?
I think I'm gonna cry.
How are you
still alive, dude?
'Cause Biff don't quit!
Ohh-oh. Ohh-oh.
Ohh-oh. Ohh-oh.
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
BIFF: Oh, what's this?
Sending the girl in
to fight your battles,
huh, Chorrigan?
What you figure, honey?
You gonna come over here
and ask me out? (LAUGHS)
- (THUD)
- BIFF: Ahh!
- (THUD)
- Oh!
- (THUDDING CONTINUES)
- BIFF: Ooh! Oh! Ow!
- Da.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
LESTER: And that's how
it all began.
How a sad little orphan
without a friend in the world
became a member of
the greatest team
the world has never seen.
Big wheels
keep on turnin'
(GRUNTING)
Ohh...
Carry me home
to see my kin
LESTER:
We take out the trash.
Oh!
Singin' songs
about the southland
What?
LESTER:
We clean up the mess.
(LAUGHS)
LESTER:
And fix what's broken.
Where the skies
are so blue
LESTER: Because
we're not superheroes.
Sweet home Alabama
LESTER: And we're not
supervillains.
Lord,
I'm comin' home to you
LESTER:
We are a family.
A family of henchmen.
Really?
Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies
are so blue
Sweet home Alabama
Lord,
I'm comin' home to you
Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies
are so blue
Sweet home Alabama
Lord,
I'm comin' home to you
BOY: "Pep Girl Twins,"
issue 437.
"The Diabolical
Dr. Shark Hands."
Ohh, this is gonna be
so good.
Finally, a supervillain
with some teeth.
What's that?
Who's there?
Oh, come on!
You gotta be kidding me!
Why do the bad guys
always lose?
Dr. Shark Hands
is the coolest.
I mean, he literally has
sharks for hands.
And then he gets taken out
with pom-poms!
Who writes this?
If I was a supervillain,
I'd win every time.
(MAN LAUGHING)
- Hiya!
- (SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
(CHILDREN GIGGLING)
What a weirdo.
- No wonder no one's adopted him.
- (CHILDREN LAUGHING)
- DRIVER: Lester!
- Huh?
Sit down!
BOYS: Comic book nerd!
Comic book nerd!
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
(SIGHS)
Hang in there, Lester.
Only 112 more days to go.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Let's go, henchmen.
Move it out!
You too, newbie!
Wow.
Uh, uh-oh.
Wait!
Hold that elevator!
Wh-ho-ho!
Hey. Hey, pal.
Check it out.
A real supervillain lair.
Huh? You don't see
many of these around.
Good. Next.
- Next.
- MAN: Is this spray cheese?
Yes. Next!
Henchmen!
At attention!
The Gluttonator
will now speak.
No way!
First... (BELCHES)
Excuse me for that.
First... (BELCHES)
We unleash my Gouda guns
on the coastal city.
(CHUCKLES)
This is the best thing
I've ever seen.
Mm! Then we unleash
the Swiss missiles,
and Provoloneum bombs
on the inland centers.
(LAUGHS)
Before noon...
(BELCHES)
Uhh, excuse me again.
Every major city
on the continent
will be ten feet deep
in molten,
radioactive cheese!
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
(INHALING)
Hey, why aren't they laughing?
Henchmen,
maniacal laugh now!
(LAUGHING)
Better.
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
(GAGGING)
(SIGHS) Another day,
another deluded maniac
with a terrible plan.
MAN: What was that, Hank?
Oh, nothin', Steve.
She's all fixed.
- Great. Thanks.
- Hey, it's what I do.
So, you guard the cheese
on the elevator, huh?
What are we talkin',
Swiss? Gouda?
Cheddar? Sharp?
We doin' sharp Cheddar?
What is this,
New Zealand grass fed?
Morning, Jane.
How's super evil's
princess of pipe fitting
doing today?
Oh, not bad,
but call me princess
again, boss,
and you'll be getting
a pipe wrench in the old wazoo.
Oh, would you
look at the time.
Gotta dash.
See ya at lunch.
Okay. You be careful
out there.
Radioactive cheese
comin' through.
MAN: I'm all in.
Ha-ha! Royal flush.
Again?!
That's impossible!
- The cards don't lie.
- Yeah?
- Well, neither does this!
- Oh, yeah?
- (GUNS FIRING)
- (GIBBERISH)
(CHIPS CLATTERING)
Hey, there he is.
How goes it, Stew?
Hey, you want a dumpling
and broth at the same time,
what do you do?
Uh... use a spoon?
Not anymore.
Introducing chopstraws.
Check this out.
(SIPPING)
You've done it again,
buddy.
Only $19.99, Hank.
Order now, and I'll
throw in a scratchula!
(WHIRRING)
Ohh...
(SIPPING)
Later, Stew.
Oh, yeah.
Get in there deeper,
come on.
Uh-huh.
Uhh!
Oh, yeah.
- Morning, Yakov.
- Da.
MAN: Henchmen,
at ready!
Take aim.
Fire!
Fire!
All right.
Check this out!
(SCREAMING)
(SIGHS)
What's shakin',
old timer?
Old Doug?
Old Doug!
Ahh! No, I don't want to
take a 15 minute survey.
Ow!
Give me that.
Oh, boss, it's you.
Can I have five bucks?
You can stay sharp.
Listen, it's dangerous
around here. Okay?
You got it, boss.
Right after my break.
Which starts right...
(SNORING)
Morning, Hank.
- Pew!
- Huh?
Pew, pew, pew! Pew!
Laser!
What do we have here?
Kneel before the awesome power
of The Orphan!
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)
Oh, no, everybody run!
Pew, pew, pew.
Yeah!
- Hey!
- Huh?
(GASPING)
- What are you doing?
- Who cut the cheese?
I'm so sorry.
I... I was just...
Trying to kill me?
Yeah, I noticed.
Wait a minute.
Why aren't you in uniform?
Oh, uh, it's my birthday.
Not what I asked.
How and why are you in
the Gluttonator's lair?
Oh, I'm Lester.
I'm here to sign up.
Ah. You fell for it,
too, huh?
Hey, what's this?
Oh, um, that's my
supervillain persona,
The Orphan.
Okay.
Do you know
how many Henchmen
have actually become
supervillains?
Seventeen. Why?
All right, listen.
It's dead simple.
- Okay.
- Go back to the elevator,
take it up to
the ground floor.
- All right.
- Start walking east.
Keep going 'til you hit
Apex City.
- Get a boring job.
- What?
Get married,
have a kid,
grow old, die peacefully
in your sleep.
- But I...
- Got it?
No! Sir.
This is my dream.
Dream?
(CHUCKLES)
Take a look, kid.
This is a nightmare.
But that's a real
supervillain.
GLUTTONATOR:
Hey, don't be shy.
Get in on these
mashed potatoes.
Oh, this is so exciting!
He's attacking the world
with radioactive cheese.
It's stupid.
It's not exciting.
(EXPLOSION)
- What's happening?
- And here we go again.
What the Feta?!
It's over, Gluttonator.
The Friendly Force Five
are here.
Six!
Friendly Force Six!
(GRUNTING)
- Oh!
- They call me the Jackalope.
(GROANS)
Great.
What is he doing here?
I'm sorry,
he's my half brother.
But he's not one of us.
Yeah, you try
telling my mom that.
(GLUTTONATOR BELCHES)
Gluttonator army...
(BELCHES)
Attack!
(YELLING)
Ha-ha! You missed.
Eesh.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, no.
BOTH: (GIGGLING)
Hey, boys.
- (GASPING)
- The Pep Girl Twins! Run!
(GRUNTING)
Hi-ya!
(SCREAMING)
Holy moly!
MAN: Let's do this!
Anyone hungry?
I brought smacks.
Freeze, Slap Happy!
And now I spin!
(SCREAMING)
Ole!
- (GRUNTING)
- (SCREAMING)
Mozzarella!
- Hello.
- (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
Dodge this,
Nick of Time.
NICK OF TIME: Ha-ha!
- Ooh, so close.
- (GRUNTING)
(LAUGHING)
Feel my rapid
super rabbit kick!
How is he my brother?
Oh! I believe this is yours.
Well, think fast.
- (SCREAMING)
- (LAUGHING)
Okay, show's over, kid.
- Help!
- Old Doug!
Told you to stay sharp.
Boss, please.
- (GRUNTING)
- This ain't my first rodeo.
Wait. Is this a rodeo?
- JANE: Ahh!
- STEW: Let's get outta here!
- Hey, guys!
- Huh? Hank!
Oh, you're kiddin' me. That's
the fifth time this month.
How is that even possible?
- Time for my sponge bath.
- Let's get him out of here.
(EXPLOSION)
Oh, for the love of brie!
We're gettin' our
asiago's kicked.
I'll be back.
(GASPING)
Camembert!
(BEEPING)
Woohoo!
Come and get some!
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
Ohh!
Hey, I just got
the bunny guy!
Do I get promoted?
- (GASPING)
- Sure, kid, I'll promote you.
- (WHIMPERING)
- All the way upstairs.
(GASPING)
Uh...
But I just shot you.
I'm a super hero.
And we don't get killed
so eas... (GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
(SCREAMING)
Whoa!
You just saved my life.
Yeah.
Happy birthday, kid.
Now, get outta here,
and go and have a great,
normal, super boring life.
MAN: Nowhere to go?
Well, look no further.
The Union of Evil Henchmen
is the place for you.
Nestled in super secret
Supervillain City.
Home to the very best of
the absolute worst.
Are you good at being bad?
Bad at being good?
- I am.
- I am.
I am.
We meet death in the face
each and every day,
and when we do,
we punch that death
right in its stupid face!
Punch death in the face!
We don't just die,
we die hard.
Great movie!
If you think super heroes
are super lame...
become a henchman today.
No strings attached.
Certain strings
may be attached.
Because we're bad,
and being bad...
is good!
WOMAN (ON P.A.): Welcome to
the Union of Evil.
Please hold the handrail
while exiting the vehicle.
- ROBOT: Attention recruit.
- Yes, sir!
Time to find out what type
of henchman you are.
Are you a level one?
The elite right hand
of super evil?
Yes, I am.
Uh, what's that?
- (GASPING)
- Scanning, scanning,
- scanning.
- (BEEPS)
- Not even close.
- Oh...
Perhaps you have
the killer instinct
of a henchman second class,
foot soldiers of darkness.
Huh?
Wow, cool.
(GRUNTS)
- Bring the pain.
- (GRUNTS) Hey!
Huh?
(GASPS)
Friendly Force!
Drop your weapon,
evil scout!
(GASPING)
Take this!
(SCREAMS)
My gun's broken!
No, no, no, no, no!
(SCREAMING)
ROBOT: Ouch.
New height record.
(GROANING)
It's all happening
so fast.
- And we're done.
- Already?
But can't I just...
What's that for?
Henchman class three it is.
What a shocker.
Really? Ow!
ROBOT: Bye-bye.
- (SCREAMS)
- ROBOT: Next.
WOMAN (ON P.A.): Would the
owner of the red murder tank
please move your vehicle.
MAN: Take a seat, Hank.
Let's review.
Hey, look, it's you.
Oh, boy.
JACKALOPE: I'm a super hero,
and we don't get killed
so eas... (GRUNTS)
(GROANING, SCREAMING)
MAN: And there's
the Gluttonator.
(GRUNTING)
- Nice one.
- (SIGHS)
Listen, boss,
I was just helping that kid.
Heroic stuff,
to be sure,
but here's the thing.
We work for the bad guys.
(SIGHS)
So what's it gonna be
this time?
- (BEEP)
- Huh?
MAN:
Meet your apprentice.
What the...
- (SCREAMING)
- Oh!
(GRUNTING)
Hey!
- Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
- (LAUGHS)
No. No, no, no.
No way!
Hi! My name's Le...
(GAGGING)
(GAGGING)
Oh! Motion sickness.
(RETCHING)
Whoa,
that's a lot of vomit.
(RETCHING)
Ahh.
(SIGHS)
Lester Fauntleroy Lederhosen
reporting for duty.
- Come on, boss, please.
- Get out of my office, Hank.
Oh, and don't forget.
You're on your third strike.
Oh, I got it.
Uh, sorry about the barf.
- HANK: Kid!
- Oh! Uh, sorry.
(GASPING)
Uh-oh. Bye.
(CHUCKLES)
Pete, you are good.
(SNIFFING, GAGGING)
Get a cleaning bot
in here, pronto.
Oh, man. I can't believe
that you are my mentor.
- Yeah, neither can I.
- Oh, thanks.
Ow! You kinda got me there.
I mean, yesterday
I was at the orphanage.
And today I'm here.
You gotta be kidding me.
Supervillain City!
- HANK: Kid?
- Oh, I'm coming.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
LESTER:
So let me get this straight.
I get to live here forever?
- 3.6 months, kid.
- What's that? Whoa!
That is the average life
expectancy of a henchmen trainee.
Oh, man.
(GASPS)
Is that who I think it is?
Were you kicked by a horse
at some point?
It's the Nemisisters!
Working in a bakery?
Yeah, supervillains don't tend
to save a lot for retirement.
- Oh. Hey, can we get a...
- Nope.
Aw.
(ELECTRONIC TWITTERING)
- Wow! Comics!
- Newspapers here, kid.
- What?
- Chronicles of disaster.
Oh, no way!
I love comics. Huh?
(GASPS)
Ho-ho!
Yoink.
Hey, hey!
We got one rule here, kid.
No crime.
But this
is Supervillain City.
Exactly.
Without that rule,
how long you think
this place would last?
Hmm. Makes sense.
- Hey there, sucker.
- Hello.
- You ever get shot in the keister?
- No.
- Well, I got a deal on bulletproof underpants.
- Really?
- Wanna blow up the planet?
- Maybe.
Of course, you do. Doesn't mean
you have to blow up your savings.
Two-for-one nukes at Discount
Desmond's Bomb-O-Rama!
Hey, I saw him first,
sweetheart!
Well, get lost, buddy,
because this is my corner.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Leave him alone, would ya?
He's a Class 3 trainee.
He's got no evil plans.
DROIDS (TOGETHER):
Or money.
Hey, wait! Come back!
(SIGHS)
I totally have evil plans.
Great, kid.
Now let's go find us a job.
- Ow.
- If we can.
Henchman today,
supervillain tomorrow.
(GASPS)
Hey, what's that!
That is the henchmen job fair.
Wow!
Hey! Free water wings
when you sign up with Tsunami.
Oh, come on! I'll throw in
a pair of flood pants.
(GASPS)
No way!
It's Shark Hands!
And Twisted Squidster!
I get to choose
who I work for?
Ah, no. I get to choose
who we work for.
(GASPS)
How 'bout Dr. Manbaby?
- See that diaper.
- Yeah.
- Not just a costume.
- Oh, cool.
Oh, wait. No. Eww.
- Heads up!
- Old Doug?
- Hey, boss.
- What happened?
I don't know.
You just got here.
- Where's your body?
- He went surfing with Dr. Shark Hands.
Yeah, that dude
has serious rage issues.
Now, I'm a spaceship.
(BEEPS, LAUGHS)
Kid, meet the crew. You met Old Doug.
This is Jane.
Hello there, peach fuzz.
- Stew.
- Hey.
- And Yakov.
- Da.
Great to meet you guys.
So who we working for
this time, boss?
- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Huh?
- Baron
- Whoa!
Blackout
Yeah
- Baron
- (COUGHING)
The Baron?
Baron Blackout
BARON BLACKOUT: Henchmen,
come forth and join me,
the last name in super evil.
Baron Blackout
- (FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
- Is this thing on?
Oh, forget it. Did I mention
I'm paying triple?
(CHEERING)
- Whoo!
- Sign me up!
- Triple wages?
- Uh, yes, please.
Ah! Easy, guys.
Remember Hank's Henchmen
Survival Rule Number Three?
- Oh, really?
- (SIGHS)
We never work
for Baron Blackout.
But triple pay, man!
And Rule Number Two.
It's triple pay!
I got bills, Hank. How am I
gonna pay for my eye cream?
That stuff is from Germany.
It's gotta be imported.
Who's ready to get paid?
Am I right?
(CHEERING)
You are!
I know you are, Dwayne!
I see you looking at me.
Come on! Get up here!
My number-one rule:
we never work with Biff.
Get up here.
(LAUGHING)
Well, well, well...
Hank "Chore-again."
Just read about that sweet move
you pulled on the Gluttonator.
- Get lost, Biff.
- Why don't you make me?
Janitor.
Well, since you asked
so nice...
You wanna fight him, you're
gonna have to get through me...
first.
Oh, you're big.
Oh, who's this little squirt?
- I'm...
- Oh, wait. I don't care.
Ow.
Later, mob jockeys.
High-pay duty calls!
Well, so much for that job.
Forget that ding-a-ling.
Guys, we'll catch up
with you later.
Kid, let's start you off
with something easy.
LESTER: The Supervillain
History Museum?
Oh, man, I bet you
come here all the time.
Never, kid.
Not really my thing.
Whoa...
(SWITCHES CLICKING)
Look how big is!
- Best birthday ever!
- Hey!
(LAUGHING)
The Oozinator!
Gross in the best way.
Oh! The Aquabot!
- HANK: Hey, kid.
- No way! (LAUGHS)
It's the Ray of Absurd Fears.
Platypus! Leg warmers!
Soup!
(CHUCKLES)
- So, how 'bout we get started...
- (CHUCKLES)
And there he goes.
Oh! A big thing covered
in a sheet!
Whoa! This is
the Time Bandit, Hank.
Looks a lot more "was"
than "is."
The Supers dropped
a volcano on it,
sealing him
in this giant diamond tomb.
(SCOFFS)
Superheroes.
Always with the overkill.
No. They were scared.
That glowing orb there,
that's whatifium.
Hmm. Now, where did I put
my "dontcarium"?
I don't think you understand,
Hank.
You break that thing open,
and it makes all
your dreams come true.
That sounds great,
but listen up.
There's no magic time bomb.
So get a grip, kid...
on this mop.
All right.
You got it, boss.
- (CRIES OUT)
- Oh, hey.
Watch it. Oh.
Sorry.
I was reading and walking.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Here, let me help you.
- Thanks.
- Wait.
- Don't I know you?
- Ugh.
- That's original.
- No.
You were a scientist
for Baron Blackout,
and I was...
The henchman who saved
those kids.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
- When did you...
- Get demoted to mop jockey?
About one hour after
we last saw each other.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, well...
I'm Hank... Hank Corrigan.
Jolene... Zen.
- Museum curator.
- Yeah.
All the cool gadgets
with none of the crazy bosses.
Oh, that sounds great.
- (CLATTERING)
- (GASPS)
Oh, no.
- Hey!
- Really, kid?
- What are you doing?
- I barely touched it.
I just restored this.
- (GRUNTS)
- I'm sorry.
Uh, hi. My name is Laura...
I mean Larry... Lester.
(SIGHS)
Yeah, he's fresh
off the hover bus
and a little too excited
about all things evil.
It's all right.
Just be careful.
I'll keep him on a short leash.
So, hey, what are you
doing later?
I was thinking maybe,
I don't know, we could...
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh, sorry. I have to take this.
Ooh, gotta run. Yeah.
Nice seeing you again, Hank.
Yeah, nice...
- seeing you, too.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
Boy, is she pretty.
All right, kid, fun's over.
We got a lot of mopping to do.
Hey, look!
She forgot her computer.
Perfect!
Kid, I'll be right back.
Don't move a muscle.
Not a muscle.
You got it, Hank.
Not a muscle.
BIFF: Henchmen! Attention!
Yes, sir!
The time has finally come
to meet your master of menace,
your titan of tyranny,
and ultimate evil overlord!
Henchmen, I give you...
Baron Blackout
Ha ha!
Welcome, my obedient
and disposable horde.
Join me on my quest
for global domination
and outright devotion.
(STRAINING)
(SHOUTING)
Stop it!
Not now!
No!
(GRUNTS)
Oh, I've had it.
I can't see. Biff!
- Help me get this thing off.
- Of course, sir.
- Come on, hurry up.
- Here we go.
- Ah!
- That's it, that's it.
- Now, easy. Easy.
- No. Hold still. Hold still.
- I can't see!
- Don't do that. I got... I got it.
- (SHOUTING)
- Let me. Let me.
Oh, come on.
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)
- Almost there!
- Oh! Do it now!
- Almost...
- Do it now!
- (PANTING)
- Are you all right, Baron?
Biff, you
lumbering buffoon.
Why are there no
nose holes in this thing?
I'm so sorry, sir. I'll have
some drilled right away.
Forget it. No more mask.
No more hiding.
But, sir, the union of evil,
they banned you
for when you fled.
Fled! I did not flee.
That was a strategic retreat.
Brilliant, sir!
A ten year retreat!
- Shut your bulbous face.
- Yes, sir.
Sorry, sir.
Now, you there,
in the helmet.
Uh, me?
No, of course not, you.
Him!
- Me?
- You're wearing a helmet, aren't you?
Uh, yeah.
Imbecile.
Come forward.
Stand over there by the wall.
Uh, yes, sir.
I have a few questions
for you on the subject...
(WHIMPERING)
...of loyalty.
(LESTER CHUCKLES)
Yeah! Come and get some!
Pew! Pew! Pew!
Oh, no way!
I am Hell Hawk!
Super Screech Attack!
(SCREECHING)
Huh? Cool!
Fear the mind-sucking gaze
of Brain Drain.
(VOCALIZING)
How do you stop
this thing? Aah!
No!
Well, that
could have been worse.
No, no, no, no!
Please stop! Oh!
Huh? What's that?
"Ubersuit Prototype."
Whoa!
Oh, man.
This is too cool.
They call me The Orphan!
(BEEPING)
- Input password.
- Password?
Password, correct.
What's happening? Huh?
Uh...
Okay, how about
I take the helmet off
and you go back in your box?
(SHOUTING)
Hey! Oh!
Aah! Ooh!
Get away from me!
Oh, yeah
Everybody was fighting
And the music was soothing
And they all started
grooving
Gotcha.
Aw, come on!
- Hey!
- Ballroom blitz
- Oh!
- Ballroom blitz
Stop!
(PANTING)
- Kid?
- Hank?
What are you doing?
Helmet! Suit! Chaos!
(SHOUTS)
Hey!
Lester!
Oh, no, no, no!
This cannot be happening.
Whoa! Oh, man.
- Oh!
- (ALARM BLARING)
(CHUCKLES)
Try that one on.
So what do you think, Lou?
I think there's
a new sheriff in town.
(LAUGHING)
Yo, check this out.
(LAUGHS)
Magnum A.I. on patrol!
- Hey, you hear an alarm?
- Yeah, I do.
Oooh! Maybe someone's
stealing things!
Let's check the news.
Terri will know
what's going on.
She is very reputable.
- Boom.
- Good evening.
I'm Terri Murphy, and this
is your Super News at 7.
- All right!
- (LAUGHING)
What do the Pressure Cooker,
Blast Radius,
and Dr. Manbaby
all have in common?
They were all defeated today
by the Friendly Force Five.
(SHOUTING)
Well, Captain Superior,
you sure had a busy day.
Mmm, no, we were done
by noon.
These evil fools got no game.
Like, none.
We could really use a challenge,
you know what I'm saying?
Well, you may just get
your wish.
This just in.
A brand-new supervillain
is on the loose.
In a matter of hours,
this unknown menace
has caused more chaos
than most supervillains have
in a lifetime.
He's been seen
decimating birthday cakes,
spawning tidal waves,
and ravaging
the Apex City Zoo.
Nobody is safe
from the mayhem.
Not even Pop Pop.
We may not know his name
or motives yet,
but one thing is very clear.
This guy means business.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
WOMAN: Today marked
the first Koala in space.
The little one's name is Kiki,
and she comes from the zoo
right here in Apex City.
(CHUCKLES)
Good on ya, Kiki.
So, you ready for action,
Captain Superior?
Uh... Uh...
Listen, Carrie...
- It's Terri.
- Whatever.
Good thoughts,
but we just saved
the entire world,
like, again,
and we're kind of
- eating right now.
- JACKALOPE: Hey, come on!
- So... (WHISTLES)
- JACKALOPE: Give me my sandwich!
Ahh!
ROBOT:
Where were you at 6 p.m.?
I was at home
shaving my chest. I swear.
ROBOT:
Hmm, very smooth.
So much for laying low.
I could run.
Oh, it'll just
make me look guilty.
Why'd I even become
a henchman?
I should build
a time machine.
(CHUCKLES)
Or better yet,
I could use...
What-if-ium!
(SIGHS)
Get real, Hank.
Well, I guess the kid got
exactly what he wanted.
(ICE CLATTERING)
Clearly, he wasn't
the bumbling newb
he pretended to be.
I think he was
a cold, calculating
criminal mastermind.
Help me!
(SCREAMING)
Well, Hank,
look on the bright side.
At least you
got rid of him. Huh?
- (LESTER SCREAMING)
- Huh?
- What?
- (SCREAMING)
(COUGHING)
(SIGHS)
Okay. All right.
You got me.
I give up.
- LESTER: Help.
- Huh?
(LESTER GROANS)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
Oh, my head.
- (GROANS)
- Kid?
Hank? Oh, man,
I am so glad to see you.
Hey, hey.
Hey! Get off me!
Oh! Oh, sorry.
You just destroyed
my apartment.
What? No, I didn't. I...
Oh. Yes. I did.
Wait a second.
You've never been here.
How did you find me?
I didn't.
I think it did.
Look, whatever your
ridiculous plan is,
I want no part of it.
Plan?
(GASPS) You think
I stole this thing?
You just smashed through
my wall wearing it.
Yeah, but... that's
not what happened.
Sure, I tried the helmet on,
but then the suit
just grabbed me.
Look, kid, you want to be
a supervillain,
you're on your own.
I can't do this alone.
I need your help.
You're my mentor.
Not anymore.
What am I supposed to do?
- Figure it out!
- I told you I can't!
Kid... Whoa!
- (SCREAMING)
- (GRUNTING)
Ah! Oh, no!
I am so sorry, Hank.
Are you hurt?
I didn't mean to...
I can't control this thing.
- Whoa.
- Ah! Help me!
Okay, hold on.
(WHIMPERING)
Uh... Open the visor.
Open the visor?
I can't!
(GASPS) Oh...
- What now?
- Sorry, kid.
Why?
Ahh!
(SNORING)
Not to worry.
Almost done.
Just one more question.
Uh, yes, sir?
Which is your
favorite... nut?
Oh, uh...
Favorite, sir?
Yes. Almond? Filbert?
Brazil?
Oh. Macadamia. Sir.
Right, then.
So, when you find yourself
at a communal nut bowl,
do you take a polite handful,
or do you pick out just
your beloved Macadamia?
Oh, uh, I guess
it depends, sir.
Does it?
- (SCREAMING)
- (GASPING)
(DISTORTED)
Baron Blackout.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
Nuts to you.
(MANIACAL LAUGH) Get it?
See what I did there?
Next!
- BIFF: Uh, Baron...
- I said next.
Well, that was
the last one, sir.
What are you talking about?
Oh, how is this possible?
Uh, well, you
blacked 'em all out, Baron.
- Look.
- Huh?
BARON BLACKOUT: Well, at
least now they can be trusted.
- Is my ship ready?
- Uh, no, sir.
(GROANING)
And what, pray tell, is
your sorry excuse this time?
These things.
They're useless.
- Man, come on.
- (GRUNTING)
- (GASPING)
- HENCHMAN: Baron Blackout.
- Well, do it without them.
- Not possible, sir.
We do need
some henchmen.
- Brutus, help me!
- Oh, nasty.
Fine.
Then get more.
Of course, sir,
but, uh,
what do I say if
the Union has questions?
Leave it to me, Biff.
I'll put their worries
to rest.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
- (GROANING)
- Ah! Get it off me!
BARON BLACKOUT: Biff!
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
- Hello?
- MAN: (INDISTINCT)
Yes, I know.
It's very bad, sir.
(INDISTINCT)
Who stole it?
Ow!
No idea. Ah!
But this is
Supervillain City,
so plenty of suspects.
MAN: Then figure it out!
(SIGHS)
Always a pleasure, sir.
- (TORCH CRACKLING)
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
(GROANS)
What now?
(DOOR OPENS)
Hello? Who's there?
- Jolene?
- Hank?
What are you...
doing here?
Yeah, uh, I was in
the neighborhood,
so thought I'd pop by.
Pop by?
Wow. How did you get
such a great place?
I bought it.
What is that?
Uh... you know that thing
that happened at the museum?
Yes, of course I do.
Okay, well,
I really need a favor.
- (GROANING)
- (GASPS) You?
You stole it?
Me? No, it was the kid.
Look, I wasn't even there.
Yes, you were, Hank.
I talked to you.
Yeah, but...
Here.
I came looking for you,
and when I got back,
- the museum was...
- Destroyed?
Yeah, I noticed.
Do you have any idea
how bad this is?
Yes, I do.
(SIGHS)
Can you help us?
(SIGHS) So who did
this suit belong to?
A villain named
Endgame.
Well, how did he
get out of it?
Well... (SIGHS)
- With a hose.
- What?
He slammed straight into
a mountain
the first time he used it.
Oh, man.
(GROANING)
Huh?
I can't move my arms.
- I...
- Easy kid.
She's just trying to help.
(GASPS)
You get away from me!
Visor down.
Visor down!
Get back.
You're scaring him.
Lester, no. No!
Great.
(SCREAMING)
Lester, stop!
(GASPING, SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
Help me.
Help me!
Punch him in the face!
Ah! No punching.
No punching!
Ohh! Ahh!
- Oh, no!
- (GROANING)
No one is going to hurt you.
You have to calm down.
- I can't!
- Just breathe.
Breathe? Oh, my God,
am I not breathing?
(SCREAMING)
- Oh!
- I want to get off. I want to get off!
Lester, breathe with me.
- In. Out.
- (PANTING)
Slower. In. Out.
(BREATHING SLOWS)
That's the way.
(LESTER GROANS)
(SIGHS)
So it's emotionally
responsive.
Fascinating.
All right, so...
how's this thing work?
Yeah. Please help me.
It's not that simple.
I need to take a scan,
run a whole battery of
test scenarios.
Okay, then, so, um,
just gonna let myself out.
Mm-hm.
Wait. You're leaving?
Why?
(SIGHS) Uh, well...
I gotta fix my wall,
cover our tracks,
and I have to concoct
an airtight alibi.
- Alibi?
- Well, yeah.
We don't want to
go to prison.
We're going to prison?!
No! No, of course not.
And anyway, as long as
you're in that suit,
they don't make a cell
strong enough to hold you.
Oh, yeah. Right.
So, that suit can
blast through anything?
Weren't you leaving?
Uh, yeah, hey, look.
I'm sorry about that.
You know, it's been
a really long, crazy day,
and I guess I just...
I... I panicked.
I get it, Hank.
It's okay.
Looks like it's gonna be
a long night.
Do you have any coffee?
I only have herbal tea.
Hey. I love herbal tea.
Oh. Okay.
Uh, well, I guess
I'll be right back.
HANK: No rush.
It's not like we're
goin' anywhere.
(CHUCKLES)
Perfect.
All right, kid, let's go.
- But what about your tea?
- Shh.
You want to be
a supervillain, right?
Well, of course, but...
(WHISPERING)
I got a new plan, kid.
One that will
totally fix this.
And, well, everything.
- Everything?
- Yeah.
So what do you say?
Apprentice.
So, I have
Raspberry Dazzler,
Blueberry Nighty-night,
and Lemon...
Ginger!
(SIGHS) Of course.
You're gone.
HANK: There we are.
Roid Rage has got
his finger on the detonator,
not a super hero in sight.
Then what happened?
Well, he finishes an
extended maniacal cackle,
and it leaves him thirsty,
so he takes
a sip of coffee,
- and, boom!
- He blew up the planet.
(CHUCKLES)
Classic Roid Rage.
No, no.
Stew brought him decaf,
Roid Rage flips out,
completely trashes
his own lair,
supers take full credit,
of course,
but really, Stew saved
the entire world.
Wow. I guess a lot can happen
on your first day, huh?
Yeah, tell me about it.
Oh! Story time.
(CHUCKLES) That was
a long time ago, kid.
Wait, wait, wait.
Proceed.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, okay.
I was working for that
Baron Blackout guy...
- (ZAPPING)
- (MOOING)
Ahh! A cow?
Yeah, you nailed it, sir!
I wasn't aiming for
the cow.
I was aiming for that!
Children?
You can't do that.
I'm Baron Blackout.
I can do whatever I want.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
See that, trainee?
That's how it's done.
More power.
Give me full power!
No! You can't do this.
Get her out of my sight.
(RUMBLING)
Sir, super heroes!
- Hello?
- (GROANS)
Any baddie home?
(CHUCKLES)
Captain Superior.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
I'm going to enjoy this.
(CAPTAIN SUPERIOR LAUGHS)
How's that for a headline?
BARON BLACKOUT:
Here's a headline.
Blathering heroes,
fail to save children...
then die.
- Oh!
- Ha!
(POWERING DOWN)
What?
It can't be!
No. No.
No, no, no, no!
My blackout ray.
It happens to
the best of us.
Huh?
(LAUGHING)
Hey! Shut up!
ALL: Yes, sir.
What's this?
How dare you.
- Get him!
- Huh?
LESTER: Wait a second,
I remember this one.
"Friendly Force Five,"
issue 126.
"The Henchman with
a Heart of Gold."
Please don't call me that.
LESTER: Yeah,
and right after that,
Baron was all like,
"Strategic retreat!"
And then he took off in his
secret escape pod thingy.
(IMITATES JET ENGINE)
The henchmen had to
surrender, and were, like...
"Do you know
what you've done?
And you were, like,
"I saved those kids."
And he said,
"I'm gonna tell the Union
all about it"
And then everybody
laughed and laughed,
and laughed, and laughed.
(LAUGHING)
And as for you...
I've been pushing a mop
ever since.
(INHALES) Right.
Okay, lift, kid.
(GRUNTING)
There.
That should be enough.
Enough for what?
You want to be
a supervillain,
you gotta learn
how to use the suit.
How am I gonna do that?
All you need is
the right motivation.
Whoa!
Ahh!
(GRUNTING)
Ahh! Huh?
Ahh!
(LAUGHING)
Uh-oh.
Whoa-oh-oh!
I keep rollin'
down the road
(CHUCKLES)
(GRUNTING)
- Go!
- Oh!
(SCREAMING)
I keep rollin'
down the road
Whoops.
(SCREAMING)
I ain't got me nobody
- Kid?
- I'm okay.
Fire!
- Hey!
- Sorry.
(GRUNTING)
Fire!
Come on, dig deep.
(GRUNTING)
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTING)
(CHUCKLES) Wow!
Yeah! That was great!
- Fire.
- Fire!
Ah-ha!
Oh, no.
(GRUNTING)
- Oh.
- Ahh! Ahh!
(GRUNTS)
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
Come on.
(METAL CLANKS)
- Yes!
- Yeah! Ooh!
Excuse me.
(GRUNTING)
Yeah!
(GRUNTS)
Whoo!
You got this.
Yeah!
(LAUGHS)
Woo!
Wow!
Fire!
(EXPLOSIONS)
Hi-ya!
BLOOP (ON TV): Whoa, yeah.
There was, like, 20 of 'em.
BLEEP: Yeah,
and pretty sure they were
- telepathic, cyborg...
- BOTH: Ninjas.
They're just lucky I didn't
bring my nunchuckers to work.
Yeah. Bloop is like
deadly with nunchucks.
You don't even know.
Hi-ya!
- (GRUNTING)
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey!
- (GIBBERISH)
- Give me that.
- Oh, dizzy.
Get outta here,
you...
(GROANS)
To the perpetrators
of this theft,
I don't care if you're
a telepathic cyborg ninja...
or any other kind of ninja...
you will be caught,
and you will be punished!
That is all.
Someone's in
very deep doodoo.
Yeah. Just how stupid
do you gotta be
to break our only law?
- Hey, guys.
- ALL: Hank!
Who's thirsty?
Not me, boss.
Lookie here.
(SIPPING)
Ahh...
Ah... Ahh.
Ahh.
It's bottomless.
Like me.
So, Hank,
you guys done or what?
Yeah. Yeah,
you could say that.
Great. Let's get
back to work.
Whoa, guys.
Hold on a second.
It's, uh...
It's the kid.
Dead already. Well,
I've outlived another one.
Okay, so last night...
the kid and I,
we were working...
(WHISPERING)
at the museum.
ALL: Museum!
- No!
- Huh?
- What?
- Uh... is closed,
so, sorry, guys.
Can't go there today.
- Aww...
- (GROANS)
Keep it down.
Hank, what's going on?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I think I got it.
The kid saw the thieves.
No, it's, uh... it's
a little worse than that.
Worse? How?
I mean, it's not like
you guys did it,
or something.
- Oh, Hank.
- Huh?
Oh.
Oh, now that's not even
close to funny, man.
It was just an accident.
Breaking a lamp is
just an accident.
- This is...
- As bad as it gets. I know.
(SIGHS) Listen, if I could just
get the kid back in there,
I can make this all go away.
Great!
Then go do it.
Put our drinks
on your tab anyway.
Yeah,
what you waitin' for?
- Uh, well...
- He needs our help.
Don't ya, Hank?
Yeah, I really do.
STEW:
Hank calls this a plan?
More like robot
assisted suicide.
JANE: Relax.
We've totally got this.
Don't we, old timer?
I have a pot
on my head.
HANK: Here they come.
Get ready, kid.
And that's when I had to
register these bad boys
as deadly weapons.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Want to see why?
You?
What about you?
I'll take that as a yes.
Ready. Set. Hit.
Stun. Karate. Judo.
Spin-a-rama!
Dead!
- Huh? Whoa.
- DOUG: Ow!
Hey, watch it, buddy.
Halt!
This is a crime scene.
Authorized personnel
only.
Yeah, move it or lose it.
Easy there, handsome.
(GIGGLES)
BOTH: Lady bot.
We are here on
official union...
business.
- (WHIMPERING)
- (SHUDDERING)
Let's go.
BLOOP:
Uh, 'scuse me, miss, uh,
I'm gonna need to see
some, uh...
credentials.
Oh! Uh...
- Credentials?
- Oh!
I don't need no credentials.
I got pinchy,
and I got flippy.
Oh. Uh...
Stew's not really
a robot. Run!
- Ooh!
- Stop right now!
Robot impersonators!
Ahh. Ahh!
They stole my nunchucks.
Come back here, yous!
(DOOR CREAKING)
Okay. All clear.
Come on.
Uh, ooh.
(GASPS) Wow.
Did I really do all this?
HANK: Yeah, you sure did.
But, uh,
not for much longer.
What do you mean?
The plan.
The Time Bandit?
Not him. That.
What-if-ium.
That's the plan?
Yep. Like you said,
it'll make all our dreams
come true.
But then you told me to
get a grip on reality.
Yeah, and then you
changed our reality,
so, uh, blast away, kid.
We're in a hurry.
Oh!
Uh, okay, Hank.
(GRUNTS)
Oop... Ooh.
Give me a minute.
(GRUNTING)
Okay.
Come on.
Come on.
And... fire!
- Oh...
- Hmm.
I got one more,
I got one more.
Come on.
Let's get some.
And... fire!
(YELLING)
(STRAINING)
Come on!
(STRAINING)
(GROANS)
I'm sorry, Hank.
I just can't do it.
It's okay, kid.
(SIGHS)
Oh, boy.
I mean, really.
What was I thinking?
You can't even push
a mop straight.
What?
It was my first day.
Yeah, and you want to be
a supervillain.
What are you saying?
The real bad guys don't
throw in the towel
the first time they get
a scratch.
- (METAL SCRAPING)
- Hey!
I've worked with
the best of the bad.
Look around you.
You ain't one of 'em.
Hey, that's not fair.
This suit attacked me.
The suit.
Handed the ultimate weapon
on a silver platter.
What?
And not even that helps you
get the job done.
What are you talking about?
Oh, and that
supervillain name.
The Orphan!
(LAUGHS)
Why don't you just
call yourself Pipe Dream.
- What are you doing?
- How about Life Ruiner?
'Cause you really did
a number on mine.
Oh! Stop!
I don't think
Fantastic Failure is taken.
Shut up.
Yeah, that's got
a real nice ring to it.
I said shut up!
It doesn't matter
what we call you
because you're useless.
Shut. Up!
Whoa.
(CLANKING)
Perfect.
(CLATTERING)
Whoa.
(GRUNTS)
Ha-ha! I knew
you could do it, kid.
Man, that was something.
(PANTING)
Ah, man.
Listen, I know that was
a real dirty trick,
but it was the only way.
I thought you were
my friend.
Oh, I am, kid, really.
I didn't mean it.
And as soon as
we use this...
I will never have
said it at all.
You're under arrest.
Unhand the What-if-ium.
- Oh, great.
- You are under arrest.
- Unhand the What-if-ium.
- You are under arrest.
Unhand the What-if-ium.
You are under arrest.
Unhand the What-if-ium.
You are under arrest.
(SCREAMING)
- Huh?
- (SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
Ahh!
ROBOT: You are under arrest.
Unhand the What-if-ium.
What-if-ium?
Oh, no.
Guys, what have you done?
Man, I don't like this.
They should be here by now.
Don't worry.
They will.
- (SCREAMING)
- I'm hearing those voices again, man.
- Huh?
- HANK: Brakes, kid.
Brakes, brakes, brakes,
brakes, brakes!
Hit the brakes!
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
(GASPS) Hank!
Uh, huh!
(GROANING)
- Yeah.
- Are you all right?
(GROANS) Yeah.
I'll live.
- Since when do you fly?
- Da?
Uh...
LESTER: He doesn't.
(GRUNTING)
I do.
STEW: Wait. Why are you
still in that thing?
What's going on, Hank?
You said you were gonna
make it "go away."
I put air quotes around it
because those were your words.
Ugh. Ahh!
No, no, guys,
the plan worked perfectly.
I got the What-if-ium.
Whoa. What's that?
This is the solution
to all of our problems.
- (CAR HORN HONKING)
- Huh?
No, Hank.
Stop!
- Who is that?
- This guy and his secrets.
You can't do this!
And why not?
Because we have no idea
what it might do.
Well, what it might do is
give us all a brand new life.
We get to start again.
Start what again?
Everything.
I break this,
the kid gets to be
a supervillain,
and we don't have to be
henchmen anymore.
- What?
- But you guys are all I have.
Da.
You can't make
this decision for us, Hank.
She's right.
Just think about this
for a second.
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry, guys.
No, don't!
Huh?
(WHIRRING)
(ZAPPING)
It's not your decision
to make, Hank.
You did not just try to
erase my life.
I was just trying to
make things better.
- For all of us.
- No.
You did this for you.
- No, listen...
- Hank, admit it.
- You lied to us.
- Well, yeah, but I mean...
This is ridiculous.
Just stop!
Let's go, guys.
Something stinks
around here.
Da.
Guys, come on.
You know me.
I wasn't trying to...
Wait.
Guys, come on.
We're a team.
(GROANS)
Come on, Lester.
Let's get you out of here.
And out of this suit.
Guys.
What if it had worked?
Then maybe you would have
been a better friend.
(HARMONICA)
(CHOPIN'S
"FUNERAL MARCH")
Do you have to do that now?
Well, I know some T. Swift
if you'd rather.
Man, just do, like,
anything else.
I do know something else.
But only on the bagpipes.
Bagpipes?!
Man, that's way worse.
Look alive,
citizens of Loserville.
- (ROBOT SCREAMS)
- I've got a job for you.
Not interested, Biff.
And I wasn't asking.
(GUNS COCKING)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKING)
JANE: (GIGGLING)
All right, who's next?
DOUG: (LAUGHS)
Woohoo!
Come on, Yakov,
you've got this.
Da.
(STRAINING)
- (GASPING)
- Ooh! Seven seconds.
That's a new record.
- You're next, handsome.
- Yeah, Hank.
Get over here.
Huh?
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
(COUGHING)
Strike three!
(LAUGHS)
(COUGHING)
Boss?
You're out, Hank.
You could have killed me.
Yeah.
I know.
Makin' a run for it,
huh?
Well, I'm kinda low
on options.
Low?
(CHUCKLES)
No, Hank.
You're fresh out.
Bring him in, boys.
Oh, great.
JOLENE:
He's the most selfish...
- LESTER: (GROANING)
- JOLENE: Obstinate...
Meatheaded man
I have ever met.
(SHUDDERING)
Uh... Are you sure
this is gonna work?
Yes, Lester, of course.
I just have to find
the right frequency.
Ugh! He could have
killed us!
- Yeah. Um, Jolene...
- But he knows best!
Maybe we should take
a little... Ahhh!
- Trying to help?
- (GROANS)
Yeah. Help himself!
Henchmen.
(GROANING)
It's stuck!
Oh! Lester.
I'm so sorry.
Ahh. Thanks.
(PANTING) So...
you're really mad
at Hank, huh?
Yes! Aren't you?
Uh, yeah, I am,
but Hank saved my life
two minutes after
I met the guy.
And back at the dump,
he really thought it was
our best chance.
You mean his best chance.
Oh, he was wrong.
For sure.
No doubt about that.
- I... I just think he's...
- Selfish? Stubborn?
- And totally...
- Lost.
He feels trapped.
I know that feeling.
It made me think I wanted
to be a supervillain.
Turns out, I was just...
lonely.
And these bad guys
seemed really good at...
being alone.
Ahhh!
(GASPS)
Oh! Sorry.
(GROANS)
- BARON BLACKOUT: Biff.
- BIFF: Yes, sir?
BARON BLACKOUT:
Who are they?
Uh, well, these are
the new henchmen, sir.
Henchmen for whom,
the evil Quicky Lube?
(LAUGHING)
Actually, we prefer
henchpeople.
Shut your talkin' hole,
recruit!
Recruit?
You kidnapped us, dude.
Oh, boo-hoo.
You're in big trouble
with the Union.
Oh, are we now?
Well, then, I'd better
get rid of the evidence.
Stand against the wall.
That is one creepy smile.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
(WHIRRING)
- (GASPING)
- (LAUGHING)
- Baron, stop!
- What?
Uh, sorry, sir.
I mean,
we really need them.
We have electrical issues.
We really need a cook.
- Oh...
- And the bathrooms.
Whatever those zombies
are doing in there,
it's more like an eight
than a number two.
Oh, fine!
Put them to work.
- Whew.
- (SIGHING)
I'll just zap them later.
I'm ready.
Let's go, full blast!
(STRAINING)
Huh?
Uh, wait a second.
- Wh... What's happening?
- I'm sorry, Lester.
I've tried every frequency
on the spectrum.
What? No.
Jolene,
you have to get me out.
You said this would work.
I know. I really
thought it would.
What if I have
a late growth spurt?
Uh, that's not gonna happen.
I'm never gonna see
my toes again.
That's very unlikely.
Oh, I'm just gonna
do this myself.
Lester.
Aw! Piece of junk.
- This isn't the way.
- Aha!
- (WHIRRING)
- (GASPS)
Now we're talking.
(SCREAMING)
- Stop it.
- What?
How, exactly?
- This thing jumped on me.
- Lester.
I didn't ask for it.
Mind control, my butt.
Oh, great.
Now my butt's itchy.
Lester, that's it!
- My butt?
- No, your mind!
Yeah, I know!
I'm losing my mind!
Your happy place.
Just close your eyes
and remember a time
when you felt safe
and cared for.
Uh, you do know I'm
an orphan, right?
Just try, Lester.
Please.
Okay, okay.
Comic book nerd,
comic book nerd
I'm not sure I have
a happy place.
Happy place, happy place,
happy place.
Way to go, Lester.
I knew you could do it.
JOLENE: Lester? Lester?
Lester.
Are you all right?
Uh, I think so.
It's just... Huh?
Whoa!
(LAUGHING)
It worked!
It really worked! Thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Uh, you're welcome.
- (EXPLOSION)
What was the that?
- Denizens of Supervillain City...
- Come on!
...it is I, Baron Blackout!
I can't believe this.
I am taking over the world,
starting with this
wretched island.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, no. Lester, run!
What in the blue blazes
is going on, Hank!
How should I know?
I'm not Baron Blackout!
It's always you, Corrigan.
Every time something's screwy,
it's your fault.
I... Huh?
Hey, boss, stop!
I gotta get my crew.
You don't have
a crew anymore, Hank.
- (ROARS)
- Hey! Stop it!
What do you think
you're doing? Whoa!
Uh-oh.
Aah!
Now that I have
your undivided attention...
Hey!
No fleeing.
Now, listen.
I have a pressing appointment
with the Friendly Force Five,
so I'll keep this short.
Serve me or die.
(CROWD GASPS)
(BLACKOUT LAUGHING)
(WIND WHISTLING)
(HANK GROANING)
(COUGHING)
- You're mine, Corrigan!
- Oh!
I'm taking you in
if it's the last thing I do!
Get off of me!
Sorry, boss.
Just listen,
I have a plan.
Let me guess.
Lay low, do the bare minimum,
and sit on your a...
Nope. Not this time.
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)
- (EXHALES) Hmm? Oh!
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Guys! Anyone here?
- Hank?
- Doug!
You're alive!
No, I just lost five bucks,
but I'm happy to see you.
Don't worry.
We're all getting out of here.
- Now, where's the crew?
- Well, Biff took 'em.
Oh, no. Blackout!
Blackout?
Is that why I can't see?
It's time I did
what henchmen do best.
Got ya! Torch the bar
and move to Mexico!
No, fix it.
I got 'em into this mess,
and I'm gonna get 'em out.
Great!
Let's wear matching outfits.
Sorry, old-timer,
but I gotta do this one solo.
Oh, thank goodness.
Doug, I really need a favor.
Yeah, give me names, Hank.
Consider 'em dead.
Terri Murphy here with
an Apex City News exclusive.
A supervillain has just parked
on the Friendly Force Five
front door.
- (FIREWORKS WHISTLING)
- Ooh! Here they come now.
- Hey, I remember this loser.
- Yes, so do I.
He ran away like
a little baby chicken.
(CLUCKING, GIGGLING)
(LAUGHING)
Oh?
(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
You guys go ahead.
I'll catch up in a bit.
- (GROANS)
- Every time.
- Hello, Chicken Man.
- Well, hello there.
Long time, no see.
- Yeah, you get your little thingy fixed?
- (GIGGLING)
(CHUCKLES)
How about I show you?
This goes a lot faster
without Captain Blabbermouth...
(ALL SHOUTING)
- My many, many superpowers.
- (BODIES THUDDING)
Your team, they're all gone.
Shh, shh, shh!
(CREATURES GROANING)
- Capisce? That's Spanish.
- Italian.
Sure, I can do pasta.
Pick you up at seven?
You are the stupidest man...
Ah! Mama!
Baron Blackout.
It's all clear.
(GASPS)
Whoa.
Ugh.
I can't believe it.
Here's Dougie!
(LAUGHS)
Old Doug?
Say, I'm looking for
that sciency lady.
You mean Jolene?
Close enough.
- You're here to see me?
- Sure am.
Hank sent me here to give
you an important massage.
- Oh, uh...
- Ooh, I meant message,
like them fancy emails.
Just something about Hank
surviving the mission,
risking life and limb
to redeem himself.
- I don't know.
- Doug! Survive what mission?
Oh, sticking it
to the man, man.
He's going after Blackout.
Hank's taking on the Baron?
- Alone?
- He is?
- He'll be obliterated.
- Obliterated with a capitol "D ."
Oh, no.
- (ROARING)
- (CROWD CLAMORING)
(CRIES OUT)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, this took so long...
but, boy, was it worth it.
(LAUGHING)
Update me, Biff.
Sir, you've defeated
the Supers.
Your mindless horde has
Apex City in total panic,
and the president is awaiting
your demands.
Perfect. It's all just
so bloody perfect.
- (ALARM BLARING)
- Incoming craft, sir.
- What?
- Weapons detected, sir.
We are under attack.
Who would dare?
Hey, Blackout!
Say hello to my little friend!
(BELL DINGS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Was that it?
(LAUGHS)
I know, right?
He may as well have thrown
a sandal at us.
He was all like, "I'm gonna be
a big hero, save the world."
And our ship was all like,
"I don't think so, son!"
Zoom in.
Who is this dolt?
- Hank Corrigan.
- I remember that face!
Traitor.
Oh! Uh...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
(HANK SHOUTING)
(CHUCKLES)
Showtime.
The mountain is high
The valley is low
And you're confused
On which way to go
So I've come here
(WHISTLING ALONG)
Here's my turn.
Into the promised land
- So come on and take a free ride
- Come on.
Free ride
Come on and sit here
by my side
RADIO AND HANK: Come
on and take a free ride
Huh?
(CHUCKLES)
Jackpot!
(CRIES OUT)
- Come on
- Ha-ha!
- It ain't rocket science, baby!
- (HORN BLARING)
Huh?
(EXHALES)
- (CONTINUES)
- What?
(CHUCKLES)
Follow me, boys.
Free ride
Yes, I am taking over
the world, Mr. President.
Oh, no, no, no,
it's not fake news.
Baron, look!
Why isn't he dead?
COMPUTER:
Auto-pilot engaged.
- Sir, he's ramming us.
- Fool! He will be crushed.
Wait.
- (CRIES OUT)
- Oh, no.
No!
(SCREAMING)
Free ride
Baron?
- (COUGHING)
- (ALARM BLARING)
(GASPS)
My blackout ray!
The ray is undamaged, sir.
Oh, thank goodness.
I thought I'd lost you,
but you're okay.
Yes. Yes, you are.
(KISSING)
- Baron!
- Huh?
(HANK STRAINING)
Whoa!
Not yet.
So, Hank, is it?
- Yeah.
- Okay, Hank.
Now, what exactly is it
about me in particular
that drives a nothing like you
to such absurdly heroic acts?
My friends.
Like a dare?
No, like you took them.
Oh, I see.
So you're here to demand
their safe return or else.
That was the plan.
You do realize you're unarmed.
- I dropped my gun.
- Yes, I saw that.
Well, how 'bout this?
You want your friends,
just ask.
Very funny.
Ask me now.
I insist.
Okay.
May I have my crew back?
Hmm.
Let me think.
No!
- Oh!
- You're dead, Corrigan.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
Goodbye, worm.
(LAUGHING)
Ahh!
(BLACKOUT GROANS)
Lester,
what are you doing here?
Just passing by.
Kill him now!
- Huh!
- Watch out!
- (LASERS FIRING)
- (GRUNTING)
Ahh, come on!
Yeeha!
Ugh! They keep coming!
Need a rescue,
henchman?
- (LASER FIRES)
- You're dead meat, Corrigan!
Go get the crew!
(STRAINING)
I got this.
- You sure, kid?
- No,
but do it anyway.
- Let's go!
- Oh!
- (LASER FIRING)
- (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
After them,
you idiots!
Yes, sir!
(GRUNTING)
So, what's the plan, Hank?
We're gonna start by
running for our lives.
Now, that's a plan.
We got you now, Corrigan.
(LASER FIRING)
In here.
Come on, quick.
BIFF: Marco!
- Po...
- Shh.
- (FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING)
- Ohh.
COMPUTER: Escape pod
leaving in 10 seconds.
- STEW: Here we go.
- Huh?
- Stew? Wow.
- COMPUTER: 8... 7...
- 6... 5...
- JANE: Old Doug?
Old Doug?
He's here, too?
HANK: Guys, wait.
Lester's still on the...
Ship.
LESTER: Ahh!
BARON BLACKOUT: Now that
is an impressive suit.
Ahh!
Ahh! Ahh!
But why are you using it
to help a bunch of
useless henchmen?
Because I am a henchman!
(GRUNTS)
Ahh! Ahh!
Henchman? Ha!
You could be so much more.
Give me that suit,
and I'll teach you
everything you need to know.
LESTER: What?
(GRUNTS)
You want to train me?
Oh, yes.
Just think of what
you could become.
You could be just like me.
A supervillain?
And not just any
supervillain.
The Orphan.
The Orphan?
Oh, sure. Yes.
Nobody to hold you back.
No family to worry about.
No friends.
That's very good.
No friends?
Just you and me
together.
Trust me.
Okay.
Okay, yeah.
Deal.
Perfect.
Happy place.
Happy place.
Whoo.
Ahh!
(GRUNTS)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
Fool.
HANK: What are we
looking for here?
It's a small vent,
about this big.
You mean like that one?
That's it!
- We have to get down there.
- Whoa!
Hey, Corrigan.
What do you think you're doin'?
Oh, nothin',
just boring
third class henchmen
janitor stuff.
Very funny.
Drop it!
You want me to drop
this wrench down there?
- Ah!
- Oh!
Just do it!
You've got the gun,
you make the rules.
Back.
Little more.
Right there.
Now!
(GRUNTS)
(CLANKING)
- (EXHALES)
- This is it.
The end of the road
for Hank Chorrigan.
(LAUGHS)
(CRACKLING)
How does it feel to lose
for the last time,
loser?
Well, Biff, it's like
that feeling.
You know the one.
(CLANKING)
When you realize
the idiot losers
who build it and fix it...
Uhh...
Also know
exactly how to...
(CRACKLING)
- break it.
- Huh?
(GRUNTS)
Ohh!
Now let's go!
Corrigan!
Huh?
(HISSING)
Uh-oh.
(SCREAMING)
(EXPLOSIONS)
(GASPS)
What was that?
(GASPING)
Ohh!
(MUZAK)
Get ready.
(RUMBLING)
(LOUD THUDDING)
Come on, you.
Let's finish this.
On!
Attach!
- (GROANING)
- I said let's go!
What happened?
Oh! You're alive.
Tell me how it works.
(GASPS)
Yeah, yeah, okay, okay.
Now!
Look, all you gotta do
is say the password.
- What password?
- COMPUTER: Password correct.
Huh? Oh.
Oh, this is good.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, tickles a bit.
(LAUGHING)
It's a touch snug.
Oh. Oh, yes.
Oh, I can feel it.
(LAUGHS)
It's all mine.
The power.
The power!
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
Lester?
- You!
- HANK: Blackout!
JOLENE: Oh, no.
Lester,
what have you done?
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
(GRUNTING)
BARON BLACKOUT:
Brilliant!
Oh, this is gonna be
so much fun!
So, Hank, how should we
end you? Hm?
Ooh, yes. How about that?
Barbecue.
- (LAUGHING)
- (GRUNTS) No.
What else can this baby do?
Ha! Smoked!
(LAUGHING)
Frostbite!
(LAUGHS)
Confettied?
Oh, that's a terrible idea.
Who put that in there?
LESTER:
Why aim so small, sir?
- Huh?
- Meddling henchmen like these two
deserve something
a little more...
diabolical.
(GRUNTS)
Kid. What are you...
Oh! Have you met my new...
apprentice?
(GRUNTING)
Lester...
Save it, Chorrigan.
I finally know what
I'm supposed to do,
and who I'm meant to be,
no thanks to you.
(STRAINING)
I am a supervillain.
I am The Orphan!
I just needed
the right mentor
to teach me.
That's very good.
The is the Baron Blackout,
the world's greatest
criminal mastermind.
- (LAUGHING)
- He answers to nobody.
He commands
a giant warship.
He turns entire cities
into mindless minions.
Oh, yes.
I am spectacular.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
Keep talking.
LESTER: In "Friendly
Force Five," issue 80,
he stole
the Diamond of Destiny!
Oh, yes.
That was a good one.
Ah, I remember that well.
Or in "Moonbeam,"
issue 42,
when he sunk
the unsinkable island!
(LAUGHS)
The power.
Mine at last.
I feel the power!
Or who could forget
"Earth Dude," 422,
when he flattened
the Forest of Fortitude!
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
(LAUGHING)
- (GASPS)
- (GRUNTS) No.
(LAUGHING)
And what have you done,
Hank?
Who are you compared to
the great Baron Blackout?
Lester.
(LAUGHING)
(GASPING)
Why, with his mind
and that suit...
anything is possible.
(STRAINING) What?
Well, almost anything.
(LASER FIRES)
Yes, that's the...
What? Come again?
Uh, you know what?
I just remembered.
The Diamond of Destiny
was a dud, wasn't it?
What? No! Never!
Ahh! Ohh!
- (BLACKOUT SCREAMS)
- LESTER: And that island.
I just remembered
it resurfaced.
Yeah, pretty sure Blackout
ended up being chased off
by a flock of
adorable hummingbirds.
Ahh!
They were vicious!
And didn't the Forest
of Fortitude grow back?
- Ahh!
- Yeah, actually,
I remember the last frame
of the comic.
It was Baron here
gettin' licked by a harmless
little tree frog.
Ugh! It was... Ahh!
Poisonous!
You see, Baron,
that's the problem.
Ow! Ohh! Ahh!
You're a bad guy.
(SPUTTERING)
And bad guys...
always lose.
What?!
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(SCREAMING)
(WHIRRING)
BOTH: Whoa!
Whoa!
Oh!
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
I will... not be bested...
by a bunch of useless...
henchmen!
- (EXPLOSION)
- (BLACKOUT SCREAMING)
Was that good or bad?
(GASPS) Da!
(COUGHING)
Hey, guys.
- Lester!
- What took you so long?
Well, we just had
a little cleaning up to do.
Spoken like
a true henchman.
Welcome to the crew.
Hey, Lester.
Thanks.
You got it, boss.
Ah, come here.
Aww.
Isn't this just too sweet?
I think I'm gonna cry.
How are you
still alive, dude?
'Cause Biff don't quit!
Ohh-oh. Ohh-oh.
Ohh-oh. Ohh-oh.
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
BIFF: Oh, what's this?
Sending the girl in
to fight your battles,
huh, Chorrigan?
What you figure, honey?
You gonna come over here
and ask me out? (LAUGHS)
- (THUD)
- BIFF: Ahh!
- (THUD)
- Oh!
- (THUDDING CONTINUES)
- BIFF: Ooh! Oh! Ow!
- Da.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
LESTER: And that's how
it all began.
How a sad little orphan
without a friend in the world
became a member of
the greatest team
the world has never seen.
Big wheels
keep on turnin'
(GRUNTING)
Ohh...
Carry me home
to see my kin
LESTER:
We take out the trash.
Oh!
Singin' songs
about the southland
What?
LESTER:
We clean up the mess.
(LAUGHS)
LESTER:
And fix what's broken.
Where the skies
are so blue
LESTER: Because
we're not superheroes.
Sweet home Alabama
LESTER: And we're not
supervillains.
Lord,
I'm comin' home to you
LESTER:
We are a family.
A family of henchmen.
Really?
Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies
are so blue
Sweet home Alabama
Lord,
I'm comin' home to you
Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies
are so blue
Sweet home Alabama
Lord,
I'm comin' home to you