Hens Night (2018) Movie Script
1
(music box handle creaking)
(gentle music)
(breathing heavily)
(deep electronic music)
Alright, for those of
you who don't know me,
I am Tom's better looking best friend man.
(laughing)
We're very close to midnight so I wanted
to get the hosts up here
'cause they have something
special to say, Tom and Jess.
Hey guys.
(cheering)
So, as many of you know,
or probably don't know,
over the past two years,
Jess and I have been having
a lot of premarital sex.
(cheering)
And I have come to this
conclusion, she is too good for me.
- That's true.
- So...
Me being as selfish as
I am, I proposed, and...
She said yes.
(cheering)
Alright that's enough.
(laughing)
More importantly though,
let's raise our glass
and cheers Tom and Jess.
Cheers.
(cheering)
Now everyone grab a kissing partner
'cause it's almost the countdown,
- get ready to smooch.
- Pair up, you two.
Alright get ready, everyone.
10, nine, eight,
seven, six, five,
four, three, two,
one, happy New Year!
(cheering)
(rock music)
Living life on the edge now
I don't know if we can move now
'Cause I'm in this break now
It's time to fetch me my crown now
Some time to fetch me my crown now
With lush lips
Living large
Fuck you princess
I am in charge
I wanna love ya
I wanna ruin ya
I wanna rule
(squeals)
No.
(rock music)
Vengeful spirit, look down my feet
But she's saying I'm knowing the truth
More boob.
- Perfect.
- Yeah.
Revenge is so sweet, eyes on my feet
Eyes were naked as truth
Damn
I wanna love ya
I wanna ruin ya like a fool
Wow.
Are you serious?
You'll have to fight guys off all night.
- Girls too.
- I hope so.
Okay.
Yeah, we're gonna have fun
tonight and it looks like
you're going golfing.
All slutty.
Slutty golfing's a real
thing, Kim, you know.
All the wedges and the woods.
Don't forget the holes.
- Ah the holes.
- Okay they're fun.
Alright guys have fun, take care of her.
- Alright, gotta go.
- Okay, bye.
Have fun tonight, touch some boobs.
- Seriously?
- Of course.
- Okay.
- Let's go, limo's waiting.
- Hey!
- Hey!
I'm so excited, I've
never been in a limo
that wasn't headed to
a funeral or something.
Oh shit, I forgot, we have
an extra stop to make.
- Driver.
- Yes, ma'am.
Can you make an extra stop
at the corner of Hadingfield.
[Driver] Yes, ma'am.
Laura's in town and I
told her she could come.
Excuse me, you did what?
She's not that bad.
She's creepy, like a child
stuck in an adult's body.
Oh yeah, you know what else is creepy?
Your mom still pays your rent.
Yep.
Don't be jealous.
I think it's kind of
cool that you and Laura
are engaged at the same time.
Yeah, what a coincidence.
So hostile.
She's like a weird little unicorn kid.
Very special.
She's family.
She's a stranger, you
don't know her or her fiance.
So I'll get to know her and her fiance.
Now let's drop it, we're here.
Hi!
[Jess] Hi!
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Hi!
Wow, look at you, beautiful as ever.
Aw thank you.
So now that we're all here,
to my sister from another mister.
(clinks)
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Thank you, this is way too much though.
Please keep it, spend it on
something awesome, okay, like,
hookers and blow or something.
(laughs)
So it's like nothing much,
but I heard you might like them.
Aww.
Aw, cute.
I have the same one at home.
Thank you, Laura, I love it.
Oh (laughs).
Holy cow.
Tom gave you this?
Well yeah.
You weren't wearing
it at your little party.
Well no, 'cause it was
supposed to be a surprise.
[Laura] Look at mine.
Oh wow, Laura, that was your mom.
Yeah, Peter, you know,
he went shopping for rings,
but all the store bought
ones are so (mumbles).
He thought I deserved better.
Well it is a pretty great ring.
Kim, whatever happened to that guy
that was pining after you
at the New Year's party?
Which one?
(laughs)
You had a nickname for him?
Cries when he, you know.
Fucks?
(laughs)
Yeah, what happened to Roger?
Why does he cry when he?
- Fucks?
- Yeah.
(laughing)
I don't know, it might be
Catholic guilt or something.
Supposedly he ordains
weddings in his spare time,
like who does that?
Maybe he can ordain mine.
Or mine.
No, I don't know.
We fucked one time and he just
laid there crying afterwards.
Clearly it's 'cause
you're painfully tight.
No.
He got all clingy, so.
I don't know, I just got up and left.
That's awkward.
Maybe it was a good experience for him
and he thought it was beautiful.
No, I was there, it wasn't
beautiful, it was very sad.
He must be alone a lot.
Alright, ladies, time to
get messy, let's roll out.
Where are we going?
To a dive bar.
Why didn't we take the limo?
Because the bar's just down the street
and I need to work off
that food we just ate.
And the wine.
You smoke?
Only when I drink.
But she drinks all the time.
(laughs)
Well look at this sorry group of guys.
- Well hello ladies.
- How you doing?
Are we enjoying ourselves tonight?
[Charles] Hello Jessica.
Hi Charles.
For God sake Jessica,
don't cover yourself up
on my account.
Never be ashamed of your sexuality.
Dad!
Oh Charles, she's
always had body issues,
it's not because of you.
Hi Tom.
Would you guys mind if
I borrowed Jess for a sec?
Ah, you have one minute max.
We have an orgy to get to.
[Tom] Oh.
I thought we were going to a dive bar.
(laughs)
[Charles] Well have
a good night, ladies.
We'll see you down at the pub then, son.
So, you guys look like you're
having a good time tonight.
We are, are you?
Why do you look so sober?
'Cause I am, my boss called and I have
to fly to Atlanta tomorrow morning.
For how long?
A couple days, maybe a week.
No, I don't want you to go.
And also I got a spider gag as a gift.
I don't know what that is.
Yeah, you do, we talked, you know the...
- We did?
- Yeah.
Oh.
(laughs)
Okay then, I'm down.
Can you at least come
say bye in the morning?
[Tom] I will, I promise,
I'll check in in the morning.
Okay?
And listen, I want you to
have a really good time tonight
and, go see some big boobs.
It's not a bachelor party unless you get
to see some big boobs.
Then let me see your boobs.
You need to get out more.
[Woman] Alright, break it up.
Aw, I gotta go.
Gotta go see some boobs.
[Jess] Yeah, if I'm lucky.
- Listen, I love you.
- I love you.
- Go have fun.
- Okay.
(rock music)
[Woman] There she is.
Hey.
I'm so sorry I couldn't be here earlier.
Mike sucks, I swear he can't (mumbles).
[Woman] I'm just glad that you're here
and you're not pregnant.
[Woman] You're not are you?
God no, he keeps trying
but I just drove myself
through birth controls pills.
Tricking your husband into
lots of sex for no reason.
- I like it.
- It's the only way.
Hey what can I get you ladies?
Everyone or just me?
Tray of tequila, ladies?
And a bunch of beer to wash it down.
You got it, yeah.
[Woman] Wow, this place.
I actually have something for you.
(gasps) Oh my god, I forgot about that.
[Holly] Consider the torch passed.
What's that?
It's a game that we've
been playing for years.
It's called Hens Night.
We've been adding to it, and
it's kind of our tradition.
It's kind of like dare cards.
Who goes first?
Do I have to play?
Yes, but I'll go first.
(ominous music)
Get the waiter's phone number, no problem.
That says bartender.
But I prefer the waiter.
Alright, here we go everybody.
Beers are on their way
and is there anything else
I can get you guys?
How about your phone number?
My phone number, my god,
you think I'm that easy?
[Woman] I'm willing to bet on it.
Damn you, all right.
Oh do you want my name.
Sure.
- Here we go lovely.
- Thank you.
You're welcome, sweetie.
[Woman] Good job.
No, I can't do it.
(laughs)
I know that look.
What's wrong?
- Shitty name?
- Yep.
It's Stacey.
(laughing)
Task completed, Holly's next.
(rock music)
Take a shot every time
someone says something
they hate about weddings.
Oh my god, for the rest of the night.
Yes.
But since you have a lot
of catching up to do,
you have to take a shot
every time we mention
something we hated about your wedding.
Oh well I'm gonna be sober
'cause my wedding was amazing.
Fucking doves.
You bitch.
You released doves?
I'm afraid so.
Oh I think that's really sweet.
Not as sweet as your
gropey Uncle Francis.
Fair enough.
Alright I'm gonna break the seal.
No more tasks until I get back.
The queen has left the building.
(laughs)
[Laura] This is so much fun,
thank you for inviting me.
I'm really glad you're
having a good time.
I am, like I never get
to do stuff like this,
like fancy restaurants
and limo rides and...
Fun games.
I sort of wish I had friends
that would do this for me.
Your friends aren't
doing anything for you?
No, I don't actually have friends.
That sucks.
I'm so sorry.
Oh it's okay, you know,
I keep myself busy with...
Cooking and painting
ceramics and stuff like that.
Maybe we could do something for you.
You'd throw me a bachelorette party?
Yeah, I mean we could
figure something out.
Oh my god, this is so amazing.
We could have a total slumber party
and everyone could come.
I like always wanted to
have a slumber party.
Yeah, that sounds like it could be fun.
We could have cocktails
and talk all night
and just have fun, you know,
like when we were kids.
Yeah, like when we were kids, sure.
You girls are so amazing,
like I'll make sure
to have the whole place
cleaned for next Saturday.
Next Saturday.
Sorry, I'm busy next Saturday.
Oh.
I don't know, Laura, next
week's the only weekend
I have left before the wedding,
and there's so much to do.
Oh but it has to be next Saturday,
I get married on Sunday.
What?
This Sunday.
So you're getting married
the weekend before me
and this is the first
I've heard about this?
It was kind of the only
weekend that worked for Peter
and he's always traveling.
Was I even invited?
Peter kind of wanted to keep it small.
But you know this would be great,
it would be even better
'cause then you guys
could come for the slumber
party and then stay
for the wedding.
It would really mean a lot
for me if you were there.
Um, well then we'll go up there
and we'll throw you the
best bachelorette party
anyone has ever had.
I'm so excited, I can't wait for this!
This is gonna be so much fun,
I'm so happy, I'm so happy.
I can't wait.
What's everyone so excited about?
[Laura] About the slumber party
we're gonna have next weekend.
What the fuck is she talking about?
We'll talk later.
Okay my turn.
Give another hen a sexy lap dance.
- You down?
- Oh I'm down.
So what the hell
happened while I was gone?
(rock music)
(sensual music)
And I wish she could
see me as others do
I wish you could be me and love it too
I'm not over the answer you gave to me
It's not over until we want it to be
Until we want it to be
It's like I love myself
(cheering)
It's like I love myself
More than I love you baby
It's like I love myself
And I want you to be
like I never could
It's not the easiest
dream, something good
I'm not out of the darkness
- Yeah.
- Nice.
- Take it off.
- Woo!
When something's fine
It's like I love myself
More than I love you
- (cheering)
- Go girl!
It's like I love myself
More than I love you baby
It's like I love myself
(cheering)
I'm no expert but I don't think
that whole dance was necessary.
But you know, Jess has
always loved the attention.
(laughing)
Ah, nice seeing exes getting along.
Exes?
This is gold.
Laura, you didn't know
your cousin was a lesbian?
I wasn't a lesbian.
I'm a lesbian.
See.
We had a brief fling
when we were younger.
You loved it.
Okay I'm not a lesbian,
but I test drove one.
Then she went back to dick, for shame.
Expensive gift registry.
What the fuck?
I couldn't even tell
that you were a lesbo.
- Thank you, Laura.
- You're welcome.
[Woman] Laurie, you ready for your turn?
Yeah, actually this is fun.
(ominous music)
Ask a guy or a girl in the bar to dance.
Oh!
Who are you gonna ask?
[Holly] What about the
hottie in the black shirt,
he's really hot.
You are drunk, he's clearly (mumbles).
(laughing)
Oh what about the waiter?
Ew, no, no one wants your leftover.
What about him?
[Jess] Oh nice, do it.
Yeah, get over there before I do.
But what do I say?
Simple, just introduce yourself,
give him a compliment and
then you two can get busy.
What! No!
(laughing)
It's true, men like
their big fat ego stroked.
'Kay, I'll give it a shot.
Yeah, go, you look amazing.
(laughing)
Whoops.
Oh my god, she actually
looks like she's having fun
in her own little weird
unicorn loving way.
I know, I can't believe she's
actually playing the game.
- Excuse me.
- Hi.
(laughs) Hi.
You look really good.
I'm sorry?
I really like your hair.
Oh thank you, it sort of grew that way.
(giggles) That's funny.
Do you, do you want to dance?
Um, I don't think I've had
enough to drink for that yet.
Oh, we could drink more?
Actually, do you think
you could introduce me
to that red head at your
table that was doing
that sort of sexy dance?
I think I'm ready for her.
Um, Kim.
Fuck!
Ah man, I'm gonna go with her.
(Laura weeping)
What the fuck?
I have never been so
humiliated in all my life.
What happened?
Apparently he liked your slutty dance.
What, fuck that guy, he's an asshole.
He's not the problem,
you're the problem.
Excuse me?
Oh, Kim, hi.
What the fuck are you doing here?
I'm having drinks with my friends.
Yeah, that's pretty fucking convenient.
I didn't know you were here.
Don't bullshit me.
You mean to tell me you didn't
notice the dirty dancing bit?
I saw that, but before
that, I swear to god
I had no clues you were here.
Your friend here's a real creep.
Roger, if you don't stop stalking me,
I'm gonna call the fucking cops.
It's all your fault.
You ruined my dare because
you need attention from men!
What the fuck, don't make this about me.
It is about you, it's
always been about you
our entire lives!
I'm fucking sick of your
bullshit jealousy, okay?
It stops now, why do you
think I stopped talking
to you in the first place?
I don't know what a great guy like Tom
sees in a whore like you.
Whore.
That's nice and um, what does your fiance
see in you exactly?
He loves me the way
that you'll never know!
You'll never have what I have.
- I'm gonna go.
- Yeah.
Thank you so much for inviting me.
Where's she going?
Where are you going?
What the hell happened?
Family squabble.
Every fucking time I leave the table.
That fucking bitch.
Where does she get the
nerve, this is your night.
It's okay.
[Laura] No it's not okay, selfish cunt!
Please don't say that word.
I'm sorry, but I'm really pissed
and it seemed like the
only appropriate word.
I just, I have so little family left
that I thought if she
came it would be good.
I'm just so sick of tip toeing around her.
You're a good person,
much better than me.
You're not the problem here for once.
(laughs)
We've been through weirder
and worse shit together.
I say we fix up your make up,
hike up that skirt,
make yourself look good,
and let's celebrate your last
night of freedom in style.
- Alright.
- Let's go party and dance.
Knock me out
Before we go
Fill my glass, I'm on a roll
I'm on a roll
These times we have, they're justified
For just tonight
Draw a line down, say what I need
I wanna dance, cry, dance
I wanna dance, cry, dance
And forget the shit that I can't stand
I wanna leave it at the door
I wanna dance, cry, dance
I'm gonna do it 'til
the whole world ends
As all the tragedies
that I can't stand
Don't wanna face them any more
(gagging)
(coughing)
That tasted so much better going down.
Here you go.
Thank you.
How are you not sick, you
drank more than I did.
That's because you're a light weight.
I'm a fucking drinking sensei.
I used to be a sensei.
You did used to be a sensei.
You were one of the best.
I'm sad.
You and your big, stupid, fat heart.
You care too much.
I care about you.
You better care about me.
I rent you a fucking limo,
put up with your crazy cousin.
Mm-hm.
(easygoing music)
I love you.
I love you too.
(groaning)
Finally.
You gonna shut up now?
Not another peep.
How far are we?
I'm not even sure we're
going the right way.
We're going the right way.
You sure?
Yes I'm sure, trust me, I've
been here a million times.
[Kim] Not since puberty.
Less talking, more peeing.
No, what if I get pulled over?
Come on, Mrs. Paul, live on the edge.
No one patrols out here.
Stop being judgey.
You are such an old (mumbles).
Plus no one said you had
to drink the whole bottle.
I need the liquid courage.
[Kim] Then why are we even doing this?
Because we said we would.
That was before she
went all she-Hulk on you.
Doesn't that like void
any contract you may
have had with her?
Yeah, I'm with Kim on this one.
We already talked about this.
[Laura] Hi Jess, it's Laura.
Just wanted to say I had such a great time
last weekend and I hope you guys know that
you know next weekend we're gonna have
a super great time, don't bring anything.
I have everything prepared for us,
so I'll see you soon, bye.
Wow it's almost like nothing happened.
Because she's insane.
In the membrane.
Come on, you guys.
So do we have to stay the whole time
for you to make good on the pot and booze?
Fuck that, I say she forks it over now.
We'll need it.
How bad could it be?
We put cucumber slices on
our eyes and mud on our face.
And we talk about our hopes and dreams
and then we have a tickle fight.
So down for a tickle fight.
(laughs)
No seriously guys I know
the way this is gonna end.
It always ends the same with Laura.
Can we have a sleepover at your house?
Okay sure I'll go ask my mom.
And just when we started
to have normal kid fun.
So how bad was your report card?
(scoffs) Bad.
- Mine was good.
- That's good Laura.
- I'm all...
- Here, all done Jessie.
Aw, thanks.
I'm going home!
[Jessie] No.
I said I'm going home!
(sighs)
I doubt she'll be calling her mom
to come pick her up tonight.
Well her mom's dead.
That'd be creepy.
If my zombie aunt shows up
at the cottage this weekend,
it'll be a success.
One weekend, how bad could it be?
[Kim] We need the
booze and drugs up front.
(eerie music)
(knocking)
Laura?
Laura?
[Woman] This place is kind of cute.
[Woman] (mumbles) is shit.
Laura?
(clunking)
Jess!
Hey.
So good to see you.
Is it?
Of course it is, I'm...
I'm just so thankful
that you know you came
and you brought your friends.
Well I brought Kim, so.
Well I'm sure she has a
few redeeming qualities.
Listen.
About last time...
Oh, let's not talk about it, Jess, okay.
I just wanna have a good time this weekend
and I'm really, really sorry.
Come on, I'm just happy that
my family is here with me.
Should we go in?
Yeah I really wanna see everyone.
Hi ladies.
Oh hi Laura, you two good?
Of course we're good.
We're good.
Okay I'm gonna make some drinks.
(ominous music)
This is a really nice cottage, Laura.
Do you stay here all summer?
Yeah, yeah, well
actually all year round.
You must have to commute
pretty far, what do you do?
Yeah, I don't have a job.
I have a lot of health problems.
My interstitial cystitis that's
what keeps me home mostly.
Huh?
It's a disease that causes discomfort
in and around the bladder.
I'm a nurse.
You're a nurse?
Wow, I would've liked to be a nurse.
So tell us about your
fiance, what's he like?
Oh he's cute, really funny, very nice.
He makes you feel comfortable right away.
Can't wait to meet him.
Oh I'm just a little sad though.
Yeah, like we won't be able
to have our first dance
for awhile, he had this accident
and he broke both his knees.
Holy shit, Laura, that's like
a long, long recovery time.
I know and that's what I told him.
But he loves me and he just
wants to get married right away.
Wow.
Yeah, he loves me a lot.
Yeah, it sounds like it.
You know, this knee thing,
could really ruin your sex life.
[Woman] Kim!
What, it's true.
I mean there's not much that you can do
with a guy with broken knees
like blowjobs or hand
jobs, but that's about it.
I like blowjobs.
Cheers.
So, um...
This wedding tomorrow, you
gonna have an open bar?
Hm?
Your wedding tomorrow.
Oh yeah, there'll be drinks.
Awesome 'cause I know someone
who's cheaping out on us.
I'm sorry, weddings are expensive.
Don't worry, it's my
job as maid of honor
to make sure that you have a
drink in your hand all night.
So I'll bring my own supply.
Kim's your maid of honor?
Yeah, we've been friends
since we were little.
You know this.
No, that makes sense.
I mean she's almost like family.
I'm gonna go get the food.
(eerie music)
(gasps)
Wow, you guys didn't
have to do this for me.
It's so nice.
Of course we did.
Every girl who gets married
has to get some sort
of special gifts.
See, what if I never get married?
You know I never get one
of those good for you
for being awesome and single gifts.
Consider this a gift.
No but seriously, I
spend thousands of dollars
every year on weddings, baby showers,
birthdays and a whole pile of other shit.
You know, what if I never do that stuff?
You know, who's gonna spend
thousands of dollars on me?
What do I get?
Peace and quiet?
Nice.
There's no way you've
ever been to a baby shower.
Yes I have.
I love those little church lady
sandwiches, they're delicious.
Okay, time to open presents.
This one is from Sarah and I.
Is this a dildo?
Yeah, every girl's best friend.
Even you?
Especially me.
Whoa I've never had one of these.
It works the same way
as the regular kind.
Just no emotions or sweat.
And tears, oh my god, that reminds me,
Roger came to work on Monday
and he was bitching at me
about how I humiliated him.
I had to call security and
then he never came back.
So you got him fired?
I'm pretty sure he got himself fired.
Wow, thanks you guys, thanks.
This will come in really handy, you know,
while Peter's knees heal.
[Kim] That one's mine.
Thanks Kim.
Oh, thanks.
So much.
What is this?
(giggles)
[Woman] It's a gag ball.
What do I use it for?
That's to keep yourself
and your man quiet
in case you wanna get a little rough.
Hmm, thanks.
Kind of scared to open the next gift.
No it's okay, just open it.
What's this for?
Oh it's just a silly
little bachelorette tiara.
- Aw, thanks.
- There's more.
Wow, it's really,
really pretty, I love it.
Good, I had to kind of guess your size,
so I hope it fits.
Aw, thank you, thank
you guys all so much.
Do you not like your food?
You haven't touched anything.
No, I'm not super hungry right now.
Oh, how about we put on our PJs?
I'm gonna go try on my new nightgown.
Someone can change in there.
Well this isn't so bad.
(ominous music)
(gagging)
(gentle music)
(coughing)
Thanks.
I just want you to
know how grateful I am.
I just really wanted to be
here for your special day.
It's gonna be the most
special day ever, you'll see.
Cheers.
You feeling okay?
This weekend is so fucked up.
Yep.
She seems like she's trying.
I know, it's creeping me the fuck out.
It's unnatural behavior for her.
Maybe me losing it on her
had some kind of effect.
[Kim] I am so sad I missed that.
It wasn't pretty.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks.
(eerie rock music)
(crunching)
(clunking)
(footsteps crunching)
(crickets chirping)
(groaning)
(ominous music)
(garbling)
Hey ladies.
(shrieking)
Oh hush, calm down.
You'll only hurt yourselves.
Oh Kim.
Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim!
Sucks to have no control, doesn't it?
Well no need to worry,
I'm not gonna hurt you.
(plate clunking)
(shrieking)
I just wanna have a
little fun, that's all.
I thought we could play this
Hens Night game of yours.
New jar, new tasks.
There's a special one
for you in there, Kim.
You know, not only did you
completely humiliate me,
you treated me as if I was disposable.
Yes, you did.
And the rest of you, you
just laughed at my expense.
Oh, oh, and then I got fired when I tried
to approach you about it!
You basically ruined my life.
You turned me into the
punchline of every fucking joke
that comes out of your mouths.
Do you know why I cried that night?
Kim knows.
I cried because I was a married man
and I knew the second I had sex with Kim,
I had lost my wife forever.
It wasn't even worth it!
You were not worth it!
Yeah, she left those
details out, didn't she?
(clunking)
(shrieking)
Pay back!
I want to humiliate you for
every joke at my expense,
every eye roll in my direction.
I hope that after tonight,
you guys can never look
at each other the same way again.
But hey, at least none of
you have to sleep with Kim.
You're first, bachelorette.
Relax.
I'm gonna untie you.
Don't do anything stupid
and everything will be fine,
you hear me?
(whimpering)
What are you doing?
(Roger shouting)
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
Be quiet!
Thank god.
Are you okay?
Laura?
Holy shit.
It's okay, Laura, you had to.
I knew I had to do that, but holy shit!
What a rush.
Listen, I know Roger is a psycho, but...
Shut your fucking mouth, whore!
What the fuck is your problem, untie us.
Sorry, can't.
Laura, it's not funny, untie us.
Okay, so you are never gonna believe...
Okay stop talking and
fucking untie us now!
What the fuck!
She's fine, she's fine.
She's just fine.
Psycho bitch.
Are you guys dumb?
Can you just shut your
frigging traps and cooperate?
And you won't get hurt like Roger.
Right Roger?
He was here to help me drug you guys
and you know do the heavy lifting
and boy some of you were really heavy.
Funny you didn't know about this.
Are you kidding me?
You're fucking insane.
If you're not quiet, I'm
gonna cut your foot off!
I need you later, but not all of you.
What are you gonna do to us?
I'm glad you asked, Holly.
We're gonna play this little game again
but this time it'll be fun,
and this time, you lose.
Why do you fucking hate me so much?
Because you're an entitled little bitch.
You do what you want,
and say what you want,
and you have everything I should have.
What's your fiance gonna say about this?
Don't you ever talk about my fiance.
I can't believe you
ate a piece of my cake,
you stupid shit!
Time to play.
How about we go in order,
who I like most to least.
You're up first Holly.
(gasps) Oh I like this one.
Oh, listen, it's not that bad, no.
I came up with the task myself.
[Jess] Don't do this,
I'll do all their tasks.
Of course you will.
Always trying to make it about you again.
You're up, Holly.
So if I do it, you
say you won't hurt us?
You have my word.
I'll even untie you if you do it right.
Holly, tell Jess what you think of her.
Jess, what do you mean?
No.
Aw, sorry, you got it wrong.
But because I like you,
I'll give you another shot.
Come on now, Holly, tell us
what you really think of Jess.
Jess, you're a whore and a fuck up
and you don't deserve
anything that you have.
And?
And, you're not even that pretty.
You're a cunt, rot in hell!
(whimpers)
Oh! (claps)
Good job, I knew I liked you.
(grunting)
(screaming)
No, no!
No!
No! (sobbing)
I really did like her.
Please let them go. (weeps)
Do whatever you want
to me, but let them go.
It's me you hate.
I don't really like Kim much either.
(mumbles)
Let them go.
Tempting, no.
But tempting.
That would ruin everything.
Next.
Your task Sarah
is to give this dildo a blowie.
No, don't do it, Sarah.
(breathes heavily)
Now remember, less teeth, more tongue.
Come on.
Come on.
No, stop, please stop.
You can lick it.
Lick it like you mean it.
Come on.
Mm.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
What's that?
Time to go deeper.
You are surprisingly good at this.
No Laura, fuck off, let her go!
What, you don't like watching
your girlfriend suck cock?
What do you think, Jess, you
think she can take a bit more?
What do you think?
Come on.
- Play.
- Leave her alone.
- Come on.
- Stop, please stop!
No!
No, you'll fucking kill her!
Let her go!
(shrieking)
(sobbing)
Look what you made me do!
You're fucking sick!
You don't even know me.
This isn't gonna work, there's no room.
If she cuts you free,
you can run, get out of here.
No, if I go, it won't be without you.
Fuck, Kim.
It's really too bad you
can't be helping me with this.
(grunting)
Listen to me.
No you listen to me.
I'm not going without you.
(eerie music)
My turn!
(dramatic music)
Introduce your fiance to the girls.
Fun, I'm gonna go get him.
What the fuck?
You'll have to excuse him, ladies.
Drugs are wearing off a little bit
and you know he might be hungry,
he's been here for about a week.
Anyway!
No, no!
Please leave him alone.
What did you do?
What did you do?
(clunking)
(ominous music)
(phone buzzing)
Tom,
Tom?
Tom, you know Jess and Kim.
Oh and that's Roger.
Please, I'm begging you,
don't hurt him anymore.
I didn't hurt him.
Oh, his knees.
Well Jess what did you want me to do,
he wouldn't cooperate.
How can you make love to a
man that doesn't cooperate?
But he gave in eventually.
Please leave him alone!
But it was the best
blowjob he's ever had.
(grunting)
Oh that's fucked up.
No.
That's love.
And let's keep playing.
Why don't you just kill us already?
I can't do that,
silly, I need witnesses.
It's my wedding day tomorrow.
He ordains weddings.
You're invited by the way.
Wait.
You want me to marry you to him?
(laughs)
What's funny?
You're a grade A psycho,
I mean you're like truly
fucked in the head and there's
no way I'm gonna marry you.
No way in hell.
What?
Go fuck yourself.
(shouting)
(screaming)
(groaning)
Now when the time comes,
you're going to marry us!
(groaning)
Super, now it's Jess' turn to play.
(dramatic music)
Now Jessica, this one's a
little more like therapy.
Yep so I heard that you
don't like food much, mm-hm.
My suggestion would be, you know,
maybe you should starve
yourself instead of throwing up.
You might be less fat.
Fucking bitch.
You knew about this?
Some friend you are.
But you know what, I'm
family, I'm here to help.
Eat the whole thing.
It's gluten free.
(coughing)
That a girl!
It has to go down and it has to stay down.
It's okay, Jess.
(gagging)
(coughing)
It's pretty gross, right.
She looks like some kind of pig.
You know what, I'm fine, I'm fine.
At least I'm able to
eat without getting it
all over my face.
Except for last night.
(sobbing)
(sighs)
Kim's turn.
(dramatic music)
Kimmy.
Your task is to punch your
best friend in the face.
What a coincidence, she's right here.
(coughing)
Now Kimmy, I'm gonna untie you.
You know what happened to the others.
Go ahead.
Tic toc, tic toc.
Lord please give me a reason
to kill you right now.
(cheering)
(clapping)
That was amazing.
(dramatic music)
(grunting)
Kim!
Hit her!
(piano music)
(bottle clunking)
(screaming)
Kim!
- Kim!
- Jess, Jess!
By your feet.
(tense music)
(coughing)
(tense music)
(bottle clunking)
(shouting)
(grunting)
Unicorn motherfucker.
(smashing)
Kim!
Kim!
Kim!
(footsteps tapping)
(door creaking)
(door slamming)
Kim?
- (ominous music)
- Sorry.
Kimmy didn't make it.
Unicorn motherfucker.
(grunting)
(ominous music)
(sobbing)
Roger, is it still gonna work
if there's only one witness?
Yeah okay, I don't fucking care.
Oh thank god.
Now what was I doing?
Oh right.
Tom,
Tom.
Tom.
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry I did this to your knee.
But I had to.
You have to know how much I love you.
You have to know that.
Jess never loved you.
She's not, she's not right for you.
I'm right for you.
Don't you know that?
She loved Kim more than she loved you.
You know?
But I love you.
I choose you and only you.
So what do you say?
Me and you together, as husband and wife?
(mumbles)
(gasps) Really, you choose me over Jess?
Yes.
(sobs)
(light happy music)
You're so beautiful.
Ever since I first saw you,
I knew that Jess and I were done.
Now there's no going back.
(groaning)
(sobbing)
[Laura] Fuck!
(sobbing)
(soft piano music)
I wanted to love you.
I wanted you to love me too.
But for real.
(sobbing)
I'm cold.
Your life is shit.
No friends.
No Tom.
You're me.
You're me.
(music box turning)
(soft music)
(clunking)
(grunting)
(sobbing)
(eerie music)
(soft music)
(crying)
(gentle music box music)
(soft guitar music)
Darkness goes you're no way over them
Hoping that I stay
Come on in and chase some gin
Then they keep you at bay
Empty lane
Empty lane
Damn if I do, damned if I don't
People say I've got what it
takes to bear this thrust
But one day I will
I will
Ooh, ooh
I will
Ooh, ooh
Double the stake and I'm
taking you for granted
Just me and the perception (mumbles)
Of my own
So this reflection
Ooh, ooh,
So many reflection
Ooh, ooh
That is when I invite you in
That is when I invite you in
That is when I invite you in
Gem, gem, I win
I win, I win
Darkness calls, you're no in over them
Hoping that I stay
Come on in and chase some gin
And then they keep you at bay
I delay
I delay
I know I gotta serve
it up to the plate
Because I can't deliver it any longer
It's gonna make me stronger
When I do ears
Under, ooh, ooh
Do it splendor, ooh, ooh
Some safety end of the road
Some say that it's getting old
(music box handle creaking)
(gentle music)
(breathing heavily)
(deep electronic music)
Alright, for those of
you who don't know me,
I am Tom's better looking best friend man.
(laughing)
We're very close to midnight so I wanted
to get the hosts up here
'cause they have something
special to say, Tom and Jess.
Hey guys.
(cheering)
So, as many of you know,
or probably don't know,
over the past two years,
Jess and I have been having
a lot of premarital sex.
(cheering)
And I have come to this
conclusion, she is too good for me.
- That's true.
- So...
Me being as selfish as
I am, I proposed, and...
She said yes.
(cheering)
Alright that's enough.
(laughing)
More importantly though,
let's raise our glass
and cheers Tom and Jess.
Cheers.
(cheering)
Now everyone grab a kissing partner
'cause it's almost the countdown,
- get ready to smooch.
- Pair up, you two.
Alright get ready, everyone.
10, nine, eight,
seven, six, five,
four, three, two,
one, happy New Year!
(cheering)
(rock music)
Living life on the edge now
I don't know if we can move now
'Cause I'm in this break now
It's time to fetch me my crown now
Some time to fetch me my crown now
With lush lips
Living large
Fuck you princess
I am in charge
I wanna love ya
I wanna ruin ya
I wanna rule
(squeals)
No.
(rock music)
Vengeful spirit, look down my feet
But she's saying I'm knowing the truth
More boob.
- Perfect.
- Yeah.
Revenge is so sweet, eyes on my feet
Eyes were naked as truth
Damn
I wanna love ya
I wanna ruin ya like a fool
Wow.
Are you serious?
You'll have to fight guys off all night.
- Girls too.
- I hope so.
Okay.
Yeah, we're gonna have fun
tonight and it looks like
you're going golfing.
All slutty.
Slutty golfing's a real
thing, Kim, you know.
All the wedges and the woods.
Don't forget the holes.
- Ah the holes.
- Okay they're fun.
Alright guys have fun, take care of her.
- Alright, gotta go.
- Okay, bye.
Have fun tonight, touch some boobs.
- Seriously?
- Of course.
- Okay.
- Let's go, limo's waiting.
- Hey!
- Hey!
I'm so excited, I've
never been in a limo
that wasn't headed to
a funeral or something.
Oh shit, I forgot, we have
an extra stop to make.
- Driver.
- Yes, ma'am.
Can you make an extra stop
at the corner of Hadingfield.
[Driver] Yes, ma'am.
Laura's in town and I
told her she could come.
Excuse me, you did what?
She's not that bad.
She's creepy, like a child
stuck in an adult's body.
Oh yeah, you know what else is creepy?
Your mom still pays your rent.
Yep.
Don't be jealous.
I think it's kind of
cool that you and Laura
are engaged at the same time.
Yeah, what a coincidence.
So hostile.
She's like a weird little unicorn kid.
Very special.
She's family.
She's a stranger, you
don't know her or her fiance.
So I'll get to know her and her fiance.
Now let's drop it, we're here.
Hi!
[Jess] Hi!
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Hi!
Wow, look at you, beautiful as ever.
Aw thank you.
So now that we're all here,
to my sister from another mister.
(clinks)
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Thank you, this is way too much though.
Please keep it, spend it on
something awesome, okay, like,
hookers and blow or something.
(laughs)
So it's like nothing much,
but I heard you might like them.
Aww.
Aw, cute.
I have the same one at home.
Thank you, Laura, I love it.
Oh (laughs).
Holy cow.
Tom gave you this?
Well yeah.
You weren't wearing
it at your little party.
Well no, 'cause it was
supposed to be a surprise.
[Laura] Look at mine.
Oh wow, Laura, that was your mom.
Yeah, Peter, you know,
he went shopping for rings,
but all the store bought
ones are so (mumbles).
He thought I deserved better.
Well it is a pretty great ring.
Kim, whatever happened to that guy
that was pining after you
at the New Year's party?
Which one?
(laughs)
You had a nickname for him?
Cries when he, you know.
Fucks?
(laughs)
Yeah, what happened to Roger?
Why does he cry when he?
- Fucks?
- Yeah.
(laughing)
I don't know, it might be
Catholic guilt or something.
Supposedly he ordains
weddings in his spare time,
like who does that?
Maybe he can ordain mine.
Or mine.
No, I don't know.
We fucked one time and he just
laid there crying afterwards.
Clearly it's 'cause
you're painfully tight.
No.
He got all clingy, so.
I don't know, I just got up and left.
That's awkward.
Maybe it was a good experience for him
and he thought it was beautiful.
No, I was there, it wasn't
beautiful, it was very sad.
He must be alone a lot.
Alright, ladies, time to
get messy, let's roll out.
Where are we going?
To a dive bar.
Why didn't we take the limo?
Because the bar's just down the street
and I need to work off
that food we just ate.
And the wine.
You smoke?
Only when I drink.
But she drinks all the time.
(laughs)
Well look at this sorry group of guys.
- Well hello ladies.
- How you doing?
Are we enjoying ourselves tonight?
[Charles] Hello Jessica.
Hi Charles.
For God sake Jessica,
don't cover yourself up
on my account.
Never be ashamed of your sexuality.
Dad!
Oh Charles, she's
always had body issues,
it's not because of you.
Hi Tom.
Would you guys mind if
I borrowed Jess for a sec?
Ah, you have one minute max.
We have an orgy to get to.
[Tom] Oh.
I thought we were going to a dive bar.
(laughs)
[Charles] Well have
a good night, ladies.
We'll see you down at the pub then, son.
So, you guys look like you're
having a good time tonight.
We are, are you?
Why do you look so sober?
'Cause I am, my boss called and I have
to fly to Atlanta tomorrow morning.
For how long?
A couple days, maybe a week.
No, I don't want you to go.
And also I got a spider gag as a gift.
I don't know what that is.
Yeah, you do, we talked, you know the...
- We did?
- Yeah.
Oh.
(laughs)
Okay then, I'm down.
Can you at least come
say bye in the morning?
[Tom] I will, I promise,
I'll check in in the morning.
Okay?
And listen, I want you to
have a really good time tonight
and, go see some big boobs.
It's not a bachelor party unless you get
to see some big boobs.
Then let me see your boobs.
You need to get out more.
[Woman] Alright, break it up.
Aw, I gotta go.
Gotta go see some boobs.
[Jess] Yeah, if I'm lucky.
- Listen, I love you.
- I love you.
- Go have fun.
- Okay.
(rock music)
[Woman] There she is.
Hey.
I'm so sorry I couldn't be here earlier.
Mike sucks, I swear he can't (mumbles).
[Woman] I'm just glad that you're here
and you're not pregnant.
[Woman] You're not are you?
God no, he keeps trying
but I just drove myself
through birth controls pills.
Tricking your husband into
lots of sex for no reason.
- I like it.
- It's the only way.
Hey what can I get you ladies?
Everyone or just me?
Tray of tequila, ladies?
And a bunch of beer to wash it down.
You got it, yeah.
[Woman] Wow, this place.
I actually have something for you.
(gasps) Oh my god, I forgot about that.
[Holly] Consider the torch passed.
What's that?
It's a game that we've
been playing for years.
It's called Hens Night.
We've been adding to it, and
it's kind of our tradition.
It's kind of like dare cards.
Who goes first?
Do I have to play?
Yes, but I'll go first.
(ominous music)
Get the waiter's phone number, no problem.
That says bartender.
But I prefer the waiter.
Alright, here we go everybody.
Beers are on their way
and is there anything else
I can get you guys?
How about your phone number?
My phone number, my god,
you think I'm that easy?
[Woman] I'm willing to bet on it.
Damn you, all right.
Oh do you want my name.
Sure.
- Here we go lovely.
- Thank you.
You're welcome, sweetie.
[Woman] Good job.
No, I can't do it.
(laughs)
I know that look.
What's wrong?
- Shitty name?
- Yep.
It's Stacey.
(laughing)
Task completed, Holly's next.
(rock music)
Take a shot every time
someone says something
they hate about weddings.
Oh my god, for the rest of the night.
Yes.
But since you have a lot
of catching up to do,
you have to take a shot
every time we mention
something we hated about your wedding.
Oh well I'm gonna be sober
'cause my wedding was amazing.
Fucking doves.
You bitch.
You released doves?
I'm afraid so.
Oh I think that's really sweet.
Not as sweet as your
gropey Uncle Francis.
Fair enough.
Alright I'm gonna break the seal.
No more tasks until I get back.
The queen has left the building.
(laughs)
[Laura] This is so much fun,
thank you for inviting me.
I'm really glad you're
having a good time.
I am, like I never get
to do stuff like this,
like fancy restaurants
and limo rides and...
Fun games.
I sort of wish I had friends
that would do this for me.
Your friends aren't
doing anything for you?
No, I don't actually have friends.
That sucks.
I'm so sorry.
Oh it's okay, you know,
I keep myself busy with...
Cooking and painting
ceramics and stuff like that.
Maybe we could do something for you.
You'd throw me a bachelorette party?
Yeah, I mean we could
figure something out.
Oh my god, this is so amazing.
We could have a total slumber party
and everyone could come.
I like always wanted to
have a slumber party.
Yeah, that sounds like it could be fun.
We could have cocktails
and talk all night
and just have fun, you know,
like when we were kids.
Yeah, like when we were kids, sure.
You girls are so amazing,
like I'll make sure
to have the whole place
cleaned for next Saturday.
Next Saturday.
Sorry, I'm busy next Saturday.
Oh.
I don't know, Laura, next
week's the only weekend
I have left before the wedding,
and there's so much to do.
Oh but it has to be next Saturday,
I get married on Sunday.
What?
This Sunday.
So you're getting married
the weekend before me
and this is the first
I've heard about this?
It was kind of the only
weekend that worked for Peter
and he's always traveling.
Was I even invited?
Peter kind of wanted to keep it small.
But you know this would be great,
it would be even better
'cause then you guys
could come for the slumber
party and then stay
for the wedding.
It would really mean a lot
for me if you were there.
Um, well then we'll go up there
and we'll throw you the
best bachelorette party
anyone has ever had.
I'm so excited, I can't wait for this!
This is gonna be so much fun,
I'm so happy, I'm so happy.
I can't wait.
What's everyone so excited about?
[Laura] About the slumber party
we're gonna have next weekend.
What the fuck is she talking about?
We'll talk later.
Okay my turn.
Give another hen a sexy lap dance.
- You down?
- Oh I'm down.
So what the hell
happened while I was gone?
(rock music)
(sensual music)
And I wish she could
see me as others do
I wish you could be me and love it too
I'm not over the answer you gave to me
It's not over until we want it to be
Until we want it to be
It's like I love myself
(cheering)
It's like I love myself
More than I love you baby
It's like I love myself
And I want you to be
like I never could
It's not the easiest
dream, something good
I'm not out of the darkness
- Yeah.
- Nice.
- Take it off.
- Woo!
When something's fine
It's like I love myself
More than I love you
- (cheering)
- Go girl!
It's like I love myself
More than I love you baby
It's like I love myself
(cheering)
I'm no expert but I don't think
that whole dance was necessary.
But you know, Jess has
always loved the attention.
(laughing)
Ah, nice seeing exes getting along.
Exes?
This is gold.
Laura, you didn't know
your cousin was a lesbian?
I wasn't a lesbian.
I'm a lesbian.
See.
We had a brief fling
when we were younger.
You loved it.
Okay I'm not a lesbian,
but I test drove one.
Then she went back to dick, for shame.
Expensive gift registry.
What the fuck?
I couldn't even tell
that you were a lesbo.
- Thank you, Laura.
- You're welcome.
[Woman] Laurie, you ready for your turn?
Yeah, actually this is fun.
(ominous music)
Ask a guy or a girl in the bar to dance.
Oh!
Who are you gonna ask?
[Holly] What about the
hottie in the black shirt,
he's really hot.
You are drunk, he's clearly (mumbles).
(laughing)
Oh what about the waiter?
Ew, no, no one wants your leftover.
What about him?
[Jess] Oh nice, do it.
Yeah, get over there before I do.
But what do I say?
Simple, just introduce yourself,
give him a compliment and
then you two can get busy.
What! No!
(laughing)
It's true, men like
their big fat ego stroked.
'Kay, I'll give it a shot.
Yeah, go, you look amazing.
(laughing)
Whoops.
Oh my god, she actually
looks like she's having fun
in her own little weird
unicorn loving way.
I know, I can't believe she's
actually playing the game.
- Excuse me.
- Hi.
(laughs) Hi.
You look really good.
I'm sorry?
I really like your hair.
Oh thank you, it sort of grew that way.
(giggles) That's funny.
Do you, do you want to dance?
Um, I don't think I've had
enough to drink for that yet.
Oh, we could drink more?
Actually, do you think
you could introduce me
to that red head at your
table that was doing
that sort of sexy dance?
I think I'm ready for her.
Um, Kim.
Fuck!
Ah man, I'm gonna go with her.
(Laura weeping)
What the fuck?
I have never been so
humiliated in all my life.
What happened?
Apparently he liked your slutty dance.
What, fuck that guy, he's an asshole.
He's not the problem,
you're the problem.
Excuse me?
Oh, Kim, hi.
What the fuck are you doing here?
I'm having drinks with my friends.
Yeah, that's pretty fucking convenient.
I didn't know you were here.
Don't bullshit me.
You mean to tell me you didn't
notice the dirty dancing bit?
I saw that, but before
that, I swear to god
I had no clues you were here.
Your friend here's a real creep.
Roger, if you don't stop stalking me,
I'm gonna call the fucking cops.
It's all your fault.
You ruined my dare because
you need attention from men!
What the fuck, don't make this about me.
It is about you, it's
always been about you
our entire lives!
I'm fucking sick of your
bullshit jealousy, okay?
It stops now, why do you
think I stopped talking
to you in the first place?
I don't know what a great guy like Tom
sees in a whore like you.
Whore.
That's nice and um, what does your fiance
see in you exactly?
He loves me the way
that you'll never know!
You'll never have what I have.
- I'm gonna go.
- Yeah.
Thank you so much for inviting me.
Where's she going?
Where are you going?
What the hell happened?
Family squabble.
Every fucking time I leave the table.
That fucking bitch.
Where does she get the
nerve, this is your night.
It's okay.
[Laura] No it's not okay, selfish cunt!
Please don't say that word.
I'm sorry, but I'm really pissed
and it seemed like the
only appropriate word.
I just, I have so little family left
that I thought if she
came it would be good.
I'm just so sick of tip toeing around her.
You're a good person,
much better than me.
You're not the problem here for once.
(laughs)
We've been through weirder
and worse shit together.
I say we fix up your make up,
hike up that skirt,
make yourself look good,
and let's celebrate your last
night of freedom in style.
- Alright.
- Let's go party and dance.
Knock me out
Before we go
Fill my glass, I'm on a roll
I'm on a roll
These times we have, they're justified
For just tonight
Draw a line down, say what I need
I wanna dance, cry, dance
I wanna dance, cry, dance
And forget the shit that I can't stand
I wanna leave it at the door
I wanna dance, cry, dance
I'm gonna do it 'til
the whole world ends
As all the tragedies
that I can't stand
Don't wanna face them any more
(gagging)
(coughing)
That tasted so much better going down.
Here you go.
Thank you.
How are you not sick, you
drank more than I did.
That's because you're a light weight.
I'm a fucking drinking sensei.
I used to be a sensei.
You did used to be a sensei.
You were one of the best.
I'm sad.
You and your big, stupid, fat heart.
You care too much.
I care about you.
You better care about me.
I rent you a fucking limo,
put up with your crazy cousin.
Mm-hm.
(easygoing music)
I love you.
I love you too.
(groaning)
Finally.
You gonna shut up now?
Not another peep.
How far are we?
I'm not even sure we're
going the right way.
We're going the right way.
You sure?
Yes I'm sure, trust me, I've
been here a million times.
[Kim] Not since puberty.
Less talking, more peeing.
No, what if I get pulled over?
Come on, Mrs. Paul, live on the edge.
No one patrols out here.
Stop being judgey.
You are such an old (mumbles).
Plus no one said you had
to drink the whole bottle.
I need the liquid courage.
[Kim] Then why are we even doing this?
Because we said we would.
That was before she
went all she-Hulk on you.
Doesn't that like void
any contract you may
have had with her?
Yeah, I'm with Kim on this one.
We already talked about this.
[Laura] Hi Jess, it's Laura.
Just wanted to say I had such a great time
last weekend and I hope you guys know that
you know next weekend we're gonna have
a super great time, don't bring anything.
I have everything prepared for us,
so I'll see you soon, bye.
Wow it's almost like nothing happened.
Because she's insane.
In the membrane.
Come on, you guys.
So do we have to stay the whole time
for you to make good on the pot and booze?
Fuck that, I say she forks it over now.
We'll need it.
How bad could it be?
We put cucumber slices on
our eyes and mud on our face.
And we talk about our hopes and dreams
and then we have a tickle fight.
So down for a tickle fight.
(laughs)
No seriously guys I know
the way this is gonna end.
It always ends the same with Laura.
Can we have a sleepover at your house?
Okay sure I'll go ask my mom.
And just when we started
to have normal kid fun.
So how bad was your report card?
(scoffs) Bad.
- Mine was good.
- That's good Laura.
- I'm all...
- Here, all done Jessie.
Aw, thanks.
I'm going home!
[Jessie] No.
I said I'm going home!
(sighs)
I doubt she'll be calling her mom
to come pick her up tonight.
Well her mom's dead.
That'd be creepy.
If my zombie aunt shows up
at the cottage this weekend,
it'll be a success.
One weekend, how bad could it be?
[Kim] We need the
booze and drugs up front.
(eerie music)
(knocking)
Laura?
Laura?
[Woman] This place is kind of cute.
[Woman] (mumbles) is shit.
Laura?
(clunking)
Jess!
Hey.
So good to see you.
Is it?
Of course it is, I'm...
I'm just so thankful
that you know you came
and you brought your friends.
Well I brought Kim, so.
Well I'm sure she has a
few redeeming qualities.
Listen.
About last time...
Oh, let's not talk about it, Jess, okay.
I just wanna have a good time this weekend
and I'm really, really sorry.
Come on, I'm just happy that
my family is here with me.
Should we go in?
Yeah I really wanna see everyone.
Hi ladies.
Oh hi Laura, you two good?
Of course we're good.
We're good.
Okay I'm gonna make some drinks.
(ominous music)
This is a really nice cottage, Laura.
Do you stay here all summer?
Yeah, yeah, well
actually all year round.
You must have to commute
pretty far, what do you do?
Yeah, I don't have a job.
I have a lot of health problems.
My interstitial cystitis that's
what keeps me home mostly.
Huh?
It's a disease that causes discomfort
in and around the bladder.
I'm a nurse.
You're a nurse?
Wow, I would've liked to be a nurse.
So tell us about your
fiance, what's he like?
Oh he's cute, really funny, very nice.
He makes you feel comfortable right away.
Can't wait to meet him.
Oh I'm just a little sad though.
Yeah, like we won't be able
to have our first dance
for awhile, he had this accident
and he broke both his knees.
Holy shit, Laura, that's like
a long, long recovery time.
I know and that's what I told him.
But he loves me and he just
wants to get married right away.
Wow.
Yeah, he loves me a lot.
Yeah, it sounds like it.
You know, this knee thing,
could really ruin your sex life.
[Woman] Kim!
What, it's true.
I mean there's not much that you can do
with a guy with broken knees
like blowjobs or hand
jobs, but that's about it.
I like blowjobs.
Cheers.
So, um...
This wedding tomorrow, you
gonna have an open bar?
Hm?
Your wedding tomorrow.
Oh yeah, there'll be drinks.
Awesome 'cause I know someone
who's cheaping out on us.
I'm sorry, weddings are expensive.
Don't worry, it's my
job as maid of honor
to make sure that you have a
drink in your hand all night.
So I'll bring my own supply.
Kim's your maid of honor?
Yeah, we've been friends
since we were little.
You know this.
No, that makes sense.
I mean she's almost like family.
I'm gonna go get the food.
(eerie music)
(gasps)
Wow, you guys didn't
have to do this for me.
It's so nice.
Of course we did.
Every girl who gets married
has to get some sort
of special gifts.
See, what if I never get married?
You know I never get one
of those good for you
for being awesome and single gifts.
Consider this a gift.
No but seriously, I
spend thousands of dollars
every year on weddings, baby showers,
birthdays and a whole pile of other shit.
You know, what if I never do that stuff?
You know, who's gonna spend
thousands of dollars on me?
What do I get?
Peace and quiet?
Nice.
There's no way you've
ever been to a baby shower.
Yes I have.
I love those little church lady
sandwiches, they're delicious.
Okay, time to open presents.
This one is from Sarah and I.
Is this a dildo?
Yeah, every girl's best friend.
Even you?
Especially me.
Whoa I've never had one of these.
It works the same way
as the regular kind.
Just no emotions or sweat.
And tears, oh my god, that reminds me,
Roger came to work on Monday
and he was bitching at me
about how I humiliated him.
I had to call security and
then he never came back.
So you got him fired?
I'm pretty sure he got himself fired.
Wow, thanks you guys, thanks.
This will come in really handy, you know,
while Peter's knees heal.
[Kim] That one's mine.
Thanks Kim.
Oh, thanks.
So much.
What is this?
(giggles)
[Woman] It's a gag ball.
What do I use it for?
That's to keep yourself
and your man quiet
in case you wanna get a little rough.
Hmm, thanks.
Kind of scared to open the next gift.
No it's okay, just open it.
What's this for?
Oh it's just a silly
little bachelorette tiara.
- Aw, thanks.
- There's more.
Wow, it's really,
really pretty, I love it.
Good, I had to kind of guess your size,
so I hope it fits.
Aw, thank you, thank
you guys all so much.
Do you not like your food?
You haven't touched anything.
No, I'm not super hungry right now.
Oh, how about we put on our PJs?
I'm gonna go try on my new nightgown.
Someone can change in there.
Well this isn't so bad.
(ominous music)
(gagging)
(gentle music)
(coughing)
Thanks.
I just want you to
know how grateful I am.
I just really wanted to be
here for your special day.
It's gonna be the most
special day ever, you'll see.
Cheers.
You feeling okay?
This weekend is so fucked up.
Yep.
She seems like she's trying.
I know, it's creeping me the fuck out.
It's unnatural behavior for her.
Maybe me losing it on her
had some kind of effect.
[Kim] I am so sad I missed that.
It wasn't pretty.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks.
(eerie rock music)
(crunching)
(clunking)
(footsteps crunching)
(crickets chirping)
(groaning)
(ominous music)
(garbling)
Hey ladies.
(shrieking)
Oh hush, calm down.
You'll only hurt yourselves.
Oh Kim.
Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim!
Sucks to have no control, doesn't it?
Well no need to worry,
I'm not gonna hurt you.
(plate clunking)
(shrieking)
I just wanna have a
little fun, that's all.
I thought we could play this
Hens Night game of yours.
New jar, new tasks.
There's a special one
for you in there, Kim.
You know, not only did you
completely humiliate me,
you treated me as if I was disposable.
Yes, you did.
And the rest of you, you
just laughed at my expense.
Oh, oh, and then I got fired when I tried
to approach you about it!
You basically ruined my life.
You turned me into the
punchline of every fucking joke
that comes out of your mouths.
Do you know why I cried that night?
Kim knows.
I cried because I was a married man
and I knew the second I had sex with Kim,
I had lost my wife forever.
It wasn't even worth it!
You were not worth it!
Yeah, she left those
details out, didn't she?
(clunking)
(shrieking)
Pay back!
I want to humiliate you for
every joke at my expense,
every eye roll in my direction.
I hope that after tonight,
you guys can never look
at each other the same way again.
But hey, at least none of
you have to sleep with Kim.
You're first, bachelorette.
Relax.
I'm gonna untie you.
Don't do anything stupid
and everything will be fine,
you hear me?
(whimpering)
What are you doing?
(Roger shouting)
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
Be quiet!
Thank god.
Are you okay?
Laura?
Holy shit.
It's okay, Laura, you had to.
I knew I had to do that, but holy shit!
What a rush.
Listen, I know Roger is a psycho, but...
Shut your fucking mouth, whore!
What the fuck is your problem, untie us.
Sorry, can't.
Laura, it's not funny, untie us.
Okay, so you are never gonna believe...
Okay stop talking and
fucking untie us now!
What the fuck!
She's fine, she's fine.
She's just fine.
Psycho bitch.
Are you guys dumb?
Can you just shut your
frigging traps and cooperate?
And you won't get hurt like Roger.
Right Roger?
He was here to help me drug you guys
and you know do the heavy lifting
and boy some of you were really heavy.
Funny you didn't know about this.
Are you kidding me?
You're fucking insane.
If you're not quiet, I'm
gonna cut your foot off!
I need you later, but not all of you.
What are you gonna do to us?
I'm glad you asked, Holly.
We're gonna play this little game again
but this time it'll be fun,
and this time, you lose.
Why do you fucking hate me so much?
Because you're an entitled little bitch.
You do what you want,
and say what you want,
and you have everything I should have.
What's your fiance gonna say about this?
Don't you ever talk about my fiance.
I can't believe you
ate a piece of my cake,
you stupid shit!
Time to play.
How about we go in order,
who I like most to least.
You're up first Holly.
(gasps) Oh I like this one.
Oh, listen, it's not that bad, no.
I came up with the task myself.
[Jess] Don't do this,
I'll do all their tasks.
Of course you will.
Always trying to make it about you again.
You're up, Holly.
So if I do it, you
say you won't hurt us?
You have my word.
I'll even untie you if you do it right.
Holly, tell Jess what you think of her.
Jess, what do you mean?
No.
Aw, sorry, you got it wrong.
But because I like you,
I'll give you another shot.
Come on now, Holly, tell us
what you really think of Jess.
Jess, you're a whore and a fuck up
and you don't deserve
anything that you have.
And?
And, you're not even that pretty.
You're a cunt, rot in hell!
(whimpers)
Oh! (claps)
Good job, I knew I liked you.
(grunting)
(screaming)
No, no!
No!
No! (sobbing)
I really did like her.
Please let them go. (weeps)
Do whatever you want
to me, but let them go.
It's me you hate.
I don't really like Kim much either.
(mumbles)
Let them go.
Tempting, no.
But tempting.
That would ruin everything.
Next.
Your task Sarah
is to give this dildo a blowie.
No, don't do it, Sarah.
(breathes heavily)
Now remember, less teeth, more tongue.
Come on.
Come on.
No, stop, please stop.
You can lick it.
Lick it like you mean it.
Come on.
Mm.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
What's that?
Time to go deeper.
You are surprisingly good at this.
No Laura, fuck off, let her go!
What, you don't like watching
your girlfriend suck cock?
What do you think, Jess, you
think she can take a bit more?
What do you think?
Come on.
- Play.
- Leave her alone.
- Come on.
- Stop, please stop!
No!
No, you'll fucking kill her!
Let her go!
(shrieking)
(sobbing)
Look what you made me do!
You're fucking sick!
You don't even know me.
This isn't gonna work, there's no room.
If she cuts you free,
you can run, get out of here.
No, if I go, it won't be without you.
Fuck, Kim.
It's really too bad you
can't be helping me with this.
(grunting)
Listen to me.
No you listen to me.
I'm not going without you.
(eerie music)
My turn!
(dramatic music)
Introduce your fiance to the girls.
Fun, I'm gonna go get him.
What the fuck?
You'll have to excuse him, ladies.
Drugs are wearing off a little bit
and you know he might be hungry,
he's been here for about a week.
Anyway!
No, no!
Please leave him alone.
What did you do?
What did you do?
(clunking)
(ominous music)
(phone buzzing)
Tom,
Tom?
Tom, you know Jess and Kim.
Oh and that's Roger.
Please, I'm begging you,
don't hurt him anymore.
I didn't hurt him.
Oh, his knees.
Well Jess what did you want me to do,
he wouldn't cooperate.
How can you make love to a
man that doesn't cooperate?
But he gave in eventually.
Please leave him alone!
But it was the best
blowjob he's ever had.
(grunting)
Oh that's fucked up.
No.
That's love.
And let's keep playing.
Why don't you just kill us already?
I can't do that,
silly, I need witnesses.
It's my wedding day tomorrow.
He ordains weddings.
You're invited by the way.
Wait.
You want me to marry you to him?
(laughs)
What's funny?
You're a grade A psycho,
I mean you're like truly
fucked in the head and there's
no way I'm gonna marry you.
No way in hell.
What?
Go fuck yourself.
(shouting)
(screaming)
(groaning)
Now when the time comes,
you're going to marry us!
(groaning)
Super, now it's Jess' turn to play.
(dramatic music)
Now Jessica, this one's a
little more like therapy.
Yep so I heard that you
don't like food much, mm-hm.
My suggestion would be, you know,
maybe you should starve
yourself instead of throwing up.
You might be less fat.
Fucking bitch.
You knew about this?
Some friend you are.
But you know what, I'm
family, I'm here to help.
Eat the whole thing.
It's gluten free.
(coughing)
That a girl!
It has to go down and it has to stay down.
It's okay, Jess.
(gagging)
(coughing)
It's pretty gross, right.
She looks like some kind of pig.
You know what, I'm fine, I'm fine.
At least I'm able to
eat without getting it
all over my face.
Except for last night.
(sobbing)
(sighs)
Kim's turn.
(dramatic music)
Kimmy.
Your task is to punch your
best friend in the face.
What a coincidence, she's right here.
(coughing)
Now Kimmy, I'm gonna untie you.
You know what happened to the others.
Go ahead.
Tic toc, tic toc.
Lord please give me a reason
to kill you right now.
(cheering)
(clapping)
That was amazing.
(dramatic music)
(grunting)
Kim!
Hit her!
(piano music)
(bottle clunking)
(screaming)
Kim!
- Kim!
- Jess, Jess!
By your feet.
(tense music)
(coughing)
(tense music)
(bottle clunking)
(shouting)
(grunting)
Unicorn motherfucker.
(smashing)
Kim!
Kim!
Kim!
(footsteps tapping)
(door creaking)
(door slamming)
Kim?
- (ominous music)
- Sorry.
Kimmy didn't make it.
Unicorn motherfucker.
(grunting)
(ominous music)
(sobbing)
Roger, is it still gonna work
if there's only one witness?
Yeah okay, I don't fucking care.
Oh thank god.
Now what was I doing?
Oh right.
Tom,
Tom.
Tom.
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry I did this to your knee.
But I had to.
You have to know how much I love you.
You have to know that.
Jess never loved you.
She's not, she's not right for you.
I'm right for you.
Don't you know that?
She loved Kim more than she loved you.
You know?
But I love you.
I choose you and only you.
So what do you say?
Me and you together, as husband and wife?
(mumbles)
(gasps) Really, you choose me over Jess?
Yes.
(sobs)
(light happy music)
You're so beautiful.
Ever since I first saw you,
I knew that Jess and I were done.
Now there's no going back.
(groaning)
(sobbing)
[Laura] Fuck!
(sobbing)
(soft piano music)
I wanted to love you.
I wanted you to love me too.
But for real.
(sobbing)
I'm cold.
Your life is shit.
No friends.
No Tom.
You're me.
You're me.
(music box turning)
(soft music)
(clunking)
(grunting)
(sobbing)
(eerie music)
(soft music)
(crying)
(gentle music box music)
(soft guitar music)
Darkness goes you're no way over them
Hoping that I stay
Come on in and chase some gin
Then they keep you at bay
Empty lane
Empty lane
Damn if I do, damned if I don't
People say I've got what it
takes to bear this thrust
But one day I will
I will
Ooh, ooh
I will
Ooh, ooh
Double the stake and I'm
taking you for granted
Just me and the perception (mumbles)
Of my own
So this reflection
Ooh, ooh,
So many reflection
Ooh, ooh
That is when I invite you in
That is when I invite you in
That is when I invite you in
Gem, gem, I win
I win, I win
Darkness calls, you're no in over them
Hoping that I stay
Come on in and chase some gin
And then they keep you at bay
I delay
I delay
I know I gotta serve
it up to the plate
Because I can't deliver it any longer
It's gonna make me stronger
When I do ears
Under, ooh, ooh
Do it splendor, ooh, ooh
Some safety end of the road
Some say that it's getting old