Here Comes the Groom (1951) Movie Script

Good morning, Boston
Morning Express. Extension 52?
Boston, Massachusetts
calling Paris, France.
We want the International
Refugee Organization,
Children's Center Number 46 calling
Mr. Peter Garvey, G-A-R-V-E-Y,
person to person. Mr. George Degnan
calling from Boston...
"Wanted: a mother".
That's not sob stuff!
- That's good human interest!
- Your Paris call is coming.
Do you realize over 300 war orphans
have been adopted here in Boston?
Fire him?
Fire Pete Garvey? Me?
Why, I wouldn't fire him if...
All right, you can get yourself
another editor, Mr. F.C.
He's perfectly right,
I should fire him.
- Where is that woman? Esther!
- Yes, sir!
- Get me Pete Garvey.
- He's coming on.
- Who?
- Pete Garvey, in Paris.
- Operator, put him on.
- "Robert Dulac, Number 401.
"Robert is only 10 years old,
but he's never had a childhood.
"His parents were both killed
in the late war."
- Hello, Pete! Hiya, toots!
- Give me that phone!
Don't snap your twig, Mr. Degnan.
He's doing a wonderful job.
At least smile.
Yelling won't bring him back.
Peter, dear. I miss you, Peter.
I've told you by letter, by cable,
by carrier pigeon that I miss you.
Now it's costing me an overseas call
to tell you I miss you, Peter.
Get your... Get yourself back here
immediately or you're fired.
Why didn't you answer
my cables, you...?
George, there's children
in the room. Nix.
I'm taking you off salary,
so help me, Pete!
You get back here on the first plane
or you can stay in Paris forever.
Now, are you coming back or not?
You peanut-brained son of a
peanut-brained kangaroo, you still on?
Hello! Hello?
Pete, you hear what I said?
George, I'm sorry,
you're just not getting through to me.
- I'll call you back later.
- You stay on this phone!
I can't. I gotta go practice baseball
with my team, the Notre Dame Tigers.
We lost a thriller last week, 48 to 47.
We gotta go practice.
We're playing the United Nations
Cubs. We'll win, because I'm pitching.
Oh, it's the mailman!
That's always a big event here,
George, the mailman.
- Hello, Pierre!
- Hello, Pierre!
Bonjour, Monsieur Garvey!
They don't get any letters, these kids,
but the mailman's wife
bakes them cookies every day.
You know why
they don't get any letters?
I'll tell you why,
because they don't belong to anybody.
I'm touched, there's a lump
in my throat, my heart is bleeding.
Oh, but you'll rally, George.
You'll rally. Fight, pitch.
Your article on Robert Dulac
touched me...
Oh, Bobby!
Say, he's some kid.
He speaks English. Yeah,
and he's a natural second baseman.
Goes to his right or his left,
throws underhand, switch hitter.
Do you think the Express pays you
a salary to teach punks
to play baseball and shoot marbles?
- It keeps him out of the pool halls.
- Who cares?
Besides, he just sort of took to me.
You remember, like I took to you?
All I remember is,
I'm stopping your articles.
- What?
- Yes!
Bobby, go get the mail, will you?
Look, you can't do this to me.
There's still 26 children here!
I've got to, Pete.
The war orphan racket's milked dry.
It isn't news anymore.
Not news? What are you saying?
A good idea is always news.
This is the best idea since
the invention of the wheel!
There's 60 nations taking care of these
waifs, providing homes for them,
and there's five million hot meals
every day in Europe,
the Near East, in Asia,
and in the Iron Curtain...
Why, UNESCO'S building
children's homes everywhere!
We need a hypo,
something sensational.
I got just the idea for you.
The Far East.
- Far East?
- Yeah. That's the hot spot.
Burma, Indochina, Hong Kong,
just the place for the old Pete Garvey
and his sizzling typewriter.
- Far East, huh?
- Yeah!
Now you're beginning to reach me.
You're getting through to me.
- This is for Mr. Garvey.
- Oh, a letter for Mr. Garvey.
Who wants to take it to him?
Mr. Garvey told me
to bring his mail today!
Pete Garvey is my friend! Anybody
don't like it, gets a sock in the nose!
Sock in the nose!
- That's he, that's Bobby.
- That's Bobby.
Come here a moment. I want to
introduce you to Mr. and Mrs. Godfrey.
- Come on let's go!
- Bobby! Bobby, come here!
- Come on let's go!
- Bobby! Bobby, come here!
Now, Bobby!
- That was Bobby.
- He's just a little shy.
We might as well adopt a rabbit.
Mr. Garvey. A very nice couple
are here from America,
- they want to adopt Bobby!
- Good!
- But he...
- I know, you can't catch him, huh?
- Every time, he runs!
- He's a shifty little sprout, all right.
- You are leaving us?
- Yep, paper called me back.
It will break Bobby's heart.
He adores you.
What are we gonna do with him?
Please, we must place him
before you go. Come!
Oh, this is a wonderful little guy.
I can vouch for his honesty,
his intelligence,
and his sunny disposition.
He's practically a combination of
Joe DiMaggio and Monsieur Beaucaire.
Make with the manners, Bobby.
Oh, Bobby!
He just does this every once in a while.
It's a nervous habit from the bomb
shock. A little care, attention...
Personally, I do not care for children,
it is just that my wife...
Quiet, Walter. We'll come
some other time, Mr. Garvey.
Mr. Walter Godfrey... Aren't you with
the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra?
The Boston Philharmonic Orchestra
is with me.
Oh, you'll excuse my unfortunate
phrasing. I got a kid here...
You do recognize talent
when you see it.
- Go get Theresa.
- Theresa!
Don't you think
we'd better tell them that...?
- Theresa!
- Listen to amateurs?
Now, here, this is wonderful!
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, the poor hat.
Mr. Garvey, I am not interested.
I hate children!
Aren't they a pain?
Good thing you didn't take Bobby,
he has absolutely no ear for music.
He'd have driven a great musician
like yourself out of your mind!
But this is something.
Theresa, I want you to meet
Mr. and Mrs. Walter Godfrey,
from America.
They're in the market for a child.
- She's a bit older than we planned.
- They're all too old!
Mr. Godfrey is a great musician
from America. Understand?
Si, signore.
Her mother was a great musician,
but she wouldn't entertain the enemy.
All she left Theresa was
just her glorious voice.
You're going to hear a thing, you'll be
grateful to me for the rest of your life.
"Caro Nome"?
Why can't she sing some little song?
Come here, my child.
I want to kiss you.
Theresa's blind.
But she has a heart and a throat
and that's what you use
to sing songs with, isn't it?
Oh, my dear. My dear.
Walter, let's take her home!
She will be in the Metropolitan
and Carnegie Hall.
The contracts, the papers...
The papers!
I want the papers!
Get the papers!
Sign up the papers immediately.
Isn't that wonderful?
We finally got a home for Theresa!
- What?
- Will I ever get a house?
Why, you can't miss, Marcel.
You've already got about
the best house in the world.
Close in here a minute, kids,
and I'll see if I can get through to you.
In your heart you have a playroom
To enjoy every toy, every game
Sonny, you've got a house
Your own little house
And it's registered in your name
Now, take your eyes
Why, they're the windows
Showing you every view in the sun
Honey, you've got a house
Well, your own little house
And it's better than anyone
So just keep the outside shined up
And the inside free from gloom
Take care of your house
And you'll wind up
This is a duplex.
Having fun in every room
And your head, now that's the attic
Full of memories and keepsakes
To choose
Sonny, you've got a house
Man, that's a pre-war house
And it costs just a smile to use.
And as long as you
Can meet that payment
Why, you can't lose
Now, take your hands
The tools you work with
You'll be thrilled
When you build something nice
Umbriago, what a house!
Why, it's colossal!
Let me hear that note again.
What a note! What a note!
Here, keep this,
I got a million of them.
Now, take your skin
Say, that's the paint job
More of a spray job.
Lots of sleep helps to keep it aglow.
- Pete, en frangais!
- En frangais.
- English!
- Thank you.
You don't have to run
From the landlords
Though you haven't got a sou
Here you can live
Like the princes and lords
And your address is
Rue de la you, you...
- Me'?
- Our'.
Take your ears
Now, they're the doorway
I got gates.
Where the songs of the birds
Come to call
Now, you've heard about your house
Your own little house
But here comes the best part of all
You can hang the dreams you want
As pictures on the wall
Lunch! Well, there they go!
Andre broke in front, Pierre in second,
here comes Marcel way in third!
Whoa, Marcel!
Let her go, boy! Go, boys!
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
Tell 'em I'll be there
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
Better save a chair
There you are, huh?
You know, that's the fifth set
of parents you've turned down.
What's the matter?
Don't you want any folks?
I have got folks. You are my folks.
Aren't you, Pete?
Oh, boy.
Aren't you, Pete?
I warned you about this.
I told you time after time,
I couldn't stay here forever.
You are leaving, Pete?
A man's got a job, he's got a job,
hasn't he?
Don't you have any idea
of what's going on in the Far East?
My boss needs me, George Degnan.
Raised me from a pup.
Everything I know, good, bad,
or indifferent, old George taught me.
The first time I saw him,
I wasn't bigger than you.
I didn't have any father,
so I just sort of latched onto George.
Can't throw a guy like that
out the window when he needs you.
And he needs me, see?
Besides, you and me,
we're better than folks, we're friends.
Just like I got friends in Brazil
and Alaska. You're my Paris friend.
Goodbye, Mr. Garvey.
Goodbye, Mr. Dulac...
- Goodbye, Suzi.
- Tais-toi! Shake hands.
Don't we always leave them singing?
Sure, Pete, sure.
We always leave them singing.
- In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
- In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
- Tell 'em I'll be there
- Tell 'em I'll be there
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
Better save a chair
When the party's getting a glow on
And singing fills the air
In the shank of the night when the...
What've we got...?
Oh, Miss Emmadel Jones.
Nice timing.
A record?
Hello, Mr. Garvey.
Remember me?
- Is the voice familiar?
- Let me see...
- No?
- Don't tell me now...
Why don't you relax
and light your pipe?
Maybe it'll come back to you.
- I can almost see you now.
- My name is Jones. Emmadel Jones.
- The girl you left behind you.
- Hello, Emmy.
Way behind you.
You'll forgive this
unmaidenly intrusion
into the male privacy
of your bachelor room,
but! think you're old enough now
to be told about
those interesting things called
"the facts of life
- Well, tell me all.
- I read a book last night called
What Every Young Girl
Should Know.
And I was amazed at the things that
apparently go on with normal people.
So I intend to try them on my piano,
every one of them.
In other words, I intend to get
married... to get married...
- Steady. Steady, girl.
- get get married...
But not to you, darling.
So stop trembling and call the blood
back into your ashen little cheeks.
I wouldn't frighten you
for the world.
I remember too well how sick
you looked three years ago
when we went down to the City Hall
to get our marriage license.
I also remember how quickly
you recovered
when our mutual friend,
your boss and fellow conspirator,
Mr. George Degnan,
came through with that
miraculous Paris assignment
that permitted you to escape
- at the very last second.
- Good old George.
You told me tenderly to get a job
and wait for you. I did.
- Good.
- I've been waiting three years now.
Waiting and running.
Yes, running around desks,
staying true to you.
- Good girl!
- I'm tired of running,
so I'm gonna slow down.
In fact, I'm gonna stand still
and the first egghead
who catches me can have me!
I was born to be a mother,
not a poised pencil!
And do you realize that if you were
half the man you think you are,
I'd be the mother of a brood by now?
There'd be one in the fifth grade...
In the fifth the fifth grade...
In the fifth the fifth grade...
- Look out, wait a minute.
- In the fifth grade...
...and another in the second grade
and maybe even et cetera, et cetera.
- Such are the fortunes of love
- Oh, they're twins?
n the newspaper business.
Icannot, however, permit myself
to stare childless
at the prospect of old age
in a home for spinsters!
So I have been walking around
windy corners lately.
In other words, Peter Garvey,
we're through!
- Finished! Kaput!
- Kaput, yet.
So good day, good evening,
goodbye and...
- Bon voyage.
- Drop dead, my dear stinker!
And may you stew in your
ink-stained bachelorhood
the rest of your selfish,
carefree days!
She still loves me.
P. S. Knowing how conceited you are,
I know what you're thinking now,
and this is to inform you that I do not
stiff Jove you... Stiff Jove you...
- Encore.
- Still love you...still love you...
- Once more. Kid's mad for me.
- Still love you...
Still love you. . . still love you...
Hey, Bobby?
You want me, Pete?
- What grade are you in?
- Fifth.
Well, what do you know!
The fifth?
Attention, please.
Attention, please.
Announcing the arrival of
Flight Number Seven,
the Star of Paris,
at Gate Number Four...
I beg your pardon.
- Emmadel Jones!
- George Degnan!
- It's been years!
- I'm even happy to see you.
Well, if you don't look like
a Christmas tree waiting for Santa...
- I didn't know it showed.
- Showed?
They won't need landing lights.
What's the big idea?
I have a very special oil
in my lamp tonight.
Could it be burning for someone
on this plane?
"Oil your lamp.
The bridegroom cometh
"on Flight Seven,
Tuesday night.
"Meet me and expect surprise.
Why, that unpredictable...
He didn't say anything to me
about marriage!
He's learning.
And no more assignments
to those faraway places,
because I'm gonna housebreak him.
Well, turn up your wick.
He cometh.
Just stick around. You're gonna see
the greatest love scene since
somebody met somebody.
He cometh not.
Miss, wasn't there a Peter Garvey
on that plane?
Peter Garvey?
No, sir. Sorry.
Well, he said to expect a surprise.
Yes, he did.
I should have known better!
Here. You're the one
he's married to, anyway.
No appetite, huh?
For two weeks,
he's eaten less than a bird.
Acute melancholia.
The best medicine
is complete change.
I'll recommend him tomorrow
to the Director General.
- Thank you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- You must eat something.
Do you want to starve yourself
to death?
You will have to forget
Monsieur Garvey.
Starving yourself isn't gonna bring
him back. He's gone to America.
He wouldn't forget his typewriter
and his clothes.
Newspapermen are not like
other people. They're crazy! They're...
Plenty crazy, and you're not kidding.
- Hi, Bobby, Suzi.
- Where have you been?
Where? I've been all
over France like a tent.
Afoot, on horseback
and by scooter.
And I got an hour and a half
to catch my plane.
What a deal! What a hassle I got into.
I gotta have a birth certificate!
I go to the Consul,
the Bureau of Immigration.
Can I get it? No. Why?
Because I'm a bachelor.
And can I get it in Paris?
C'est impossible.
I must go to Saint-Nazaire.
I'm famished!
Well, I hightail it to Saint-Nazaire.
I look all over town, I talk to everybody.
Nobody knows about it.
One old fellow with a mustache
out here, says, "Try Alengon."
Off I go to Alengon.
Empty. A complete blank. Nothing.
One guy gave me a lead. He said,
"Try the priest." "Where's the priest?"
"Removed. He's now at Orlans."
I go to Orlans, can't find him.
He's not in town.
He's out picking grapes.
So I joined the grape-picking outfit.
No food, no money,
have to wash my shirt in the river.
Eat with horses, sleep with chickens,
wake up with an omelet on my chest.
- But you got your birth certificate?
- Not my birth...
- Bobby's birth certificate!
- Bobby?
Emmadel. She must think I joined
the Foreign Legion or something.
Bobby, do me a favor. Next time you're
born, don't be so sneaky about it.
Arrange to be born somewhere
they know you.
Another thing: Don't be a bachelor,
even if you have to get married.
You build yourself up
into a respectable citizen,
then try to adopt,
and they think you're a cheat,
- you're a thief, a crook, a liar.
- You are adopting somebody, Pete?
Why do you think I've been
all over France?
We're taking the plane
for America today.
Home and mother await you!
Pete's going to be my father!
I have to write Emmadel
and tell her all about it.
Marie, we must get Bobby's clothes.
Hey, whoa!
All right, all right.
We're going to America to Boston
to see the Red Sox!
Pete's gonna be our father!
Wonderful! Wonderful!
We're going to get our clothes.
- How's Suzi taking it, Bob?
- She is as glad as I am, Pete.
Good. I was a little worried
about Suzi, you know.
Good. I was a little worried
about Suzi, you know.
Suzi does not care where she goes
as long as she is with me.
Wait, wait, wait.
Bobby, I...
I didn't mean Suzi too.
Not Suzi?
Why, no. I thought you understood.
I couldn't take a little girl to America.
There's certain things about little girls,
certain things you have to do.
I know, I know!
I'll do all the things.
I do them now, don't I?
- Everything?
- Everything.
Ever since I found her under a bush
where the Germans left her,
- I've taken care of her.
- You found her under a bush?
Yes. She was this little.
She depends on me, Pete.
I can't leave her. I own her.
- You own her?
- Sure.
But holy Toledo, do you realize what
I did to get you a birth certificate?
I broke rules, regulations... I practically
had the Atlantic Charter rewritten.
I thought you wanted to be
with me and Emmadel.
- I do, I do, but...
- But what? You'd rather be with Suzi?
No, no! I prefer you to her.
She is nothing.
But I can't leave her.
She needs me.
Shut up!
She is so silly,
she doesn't know anything.
She's not only silly,
but she hasn't got any teeth.
All right, Suzi, where were you born?
- She wouldn't know.
- She wouldn't know.
Here we go again!
Aloha, another month.
Pete, I see it! I see America!
I've discovered America, Pete.
Wait till America discovers you. Ouch.
Just like Mr. Christopher Columbus,
huh, Pete?
- I'm discovering America, eh, Pete?
- Yeah, you and old Chris.
Here's Cristofo Columbo
Meet Cristofo Columbo
Well, how-dee-doody, Chris.
He proved to all the squares
That the world was round
Then circled round
And found the USA
Misto Cristo
Cristofo Columbo
Went for a boat ride one fine day
On his day off
Traveled such a way off
He found the USA
There they go again!
Don't these actors ever stop
making noises?
They're USO people.
They sing for soldiers.
Soldiers can shoot back.
They've got guns.
Well, it took him ages
Cost a lot of wages
Then from the sea
There rose a hill
Though we fly now
Landing from the sky now
We get the same old thrill
Oh, Misto Cristo
Cristofo Columbo
Thought the world was round
Oh, presto, westo
Sailed the man Columbo
He found the USA
The mighty Louis.
Really liked this fella
Pawned her best fur coat
To buy the cat a boat
Oh, Misto Cristo
Cristofo Columbo
Thought the world was round
Oh, presto, westo
Sailed the man Columbo
He found the USA
Oh, Misto Cristo,
Cristofo Columbo
Thought the world was round
Oh, presto, westo,
Sailed the man Columbo
Who found the USA, huh?
When he docked here
Almost no one flocked here
Now, it's more alive
Just try a Sunday drive
Oh, Misto Cristo
Cristofo Columbo
He really pulled his oar
Oh, glad he got here
Now we have a spot here
Known as Freedom Shore
Where the helpless, homeless
Open up Freedom's door
Folks he met here
Were a healthy set here
Wore nothing much
Except a smile
With me along here
In a new sarong here
- I'd have been right in style
- Tell it, Phil.
Here comes Curlie
You better hold your girlie
Ain'tl the one
Well, shut my mouth
Who's this Chris kid?
Take a look at this kid
I discovered the South, boy
Ain't no baloney
It's John L. T. Savonie
I was just sitting around
I wasn't doing anything
Everybody started singing
Made me so nervous
Oh, Misto Cristo
Cristofo Columbo
Really pulled his oar
Oh, glad he got here
Now we have a spot here
Known as Freedom Shore
Where the helpless, homeless
Open up Freedom's door
Where the helpless, homeless
Open up Freedom's door
Where the helpless, homeless
Open up Freedom's door
Fasten your safety belts
We're coming in for landing
We're coming in for landing now
Well, the permit is for five days only.
If you're not married by then,
the children have to go back to France.
- You understand that?
- Oh, sure.
We'll be married in the morning, pal.
Well, good luck, Mr. Garvey.
Report your address immediately.
The Department's fussy about that.
We sure will.
We're not fussy at all.
Come on, kids.
Here we go. Come on, Suzi.
- Is this home, Pete?
- This is Emmadel's home.
Come on, kids.
Please let Emmadel like us. Please.
- Who are you talking to?
- God.
Put in a word for me, will you, pal?
Bye, Em, see you later!
Thank you for coming.
Goodbye, now. Goodbye, girls.
Hi, Em. Let the merry bells ring out.
- The bridegroom finally cameth.
- Pete!
This one's in the fifth grade
and this one is et cetera.
Used to be orphans, you know.
- Oh, Pete.
- Bobby, Suzi, meet Emmadel.
Hello, Bobby. Hello, Suzi.
- We're so glad you're here.
- Thank you, Emmadel.
She's sleepy
and doesn't speak English.
I bet they're hungry too.
- This guy's too excited to eat.
- Suzi ate, but in the plane...
Oh, the poor darling!
Are you gonna stand out here all day?
Come on in the house. Come on, Suzi.
Oh, wait a minute, the baggage.
The baggage. Wait a minute.
Here, catch.
How's Pa and Ma?
- Mother and Father are fine.
- Mother and Father?
- It was Pa and Ma around Gloucester.
- Were they?
Are they all choked up
over the wedding?
Well, Pa's choked up
but Ma's very happy.
That's surprising.
I didn't think Ma approved of me
as a son-in-law permanently.
What's this, a birthday party?
Have I forgotten it again, honey?
No, the girls at the office
gave me a shower.
That was that covey of quail
I flushed at the door.
Look at this beautiful bunch of loot!
Potholders. Now, there's something
a fellow shouldn't go without.
- Pete.
- Come here and don't "Pete" me.
- Have you seen the papers?
- I wanna see you. You look beautiful.
- I wanna catch up on you.
- Catch up on current events.
I've been away for three years.
Here's the paper.
I'll go get the kids ready for dinner.
I'll tell Ma you're here.
Pa's out trying to get drunk.
If he's half trying, he'll make it too.
Hey, Bobby, trsjolie, huh?
Please, may I call you "Mother"?
I practiced all the way over
on the plane. Suzi too.
- If you don't want us to...
- Oh, it's fine, Bobby. It's wonderful.
It's just, nobody's ever called me
Mother before.
We never called anybody
that before either.
Orphans very seldom have mothers.
Jonesy's in the money
Here, here, shove off!
- You'll wake the neighbors!
- ...with a drunken sailor
What shall we do
With a drunken sailor?
What shall we do
With a drunken sailor?
Jonesy's in the money
Jonesy's in the money
Captain Jones calling.
The father of Cinderella.
- Hey, Pa.
- Begone me man, begone.
Me, the best mackerel man
in the Atlantic trying to be a gentleman.
- Hey, Pa!
- Begone, me man.
- Pa!
- Be...
- Pete, boy!
- Jonesy's in the money, huh?
- Good to see you!
- Nice to...
- Look out, there. You all right?
- Petey, Petey! You're back, son.
You'll have to work fast, boy.
They're hauling her in this Saturday.
Yeah, with a $40-million net?
You've got something more
than money, you mackerel-head.
You've got a lifetime of her being in
love with you. Don't you remember?
You're the one that taught my Em
how to wrestle and to box, didn't you?
And to bait a hook! I can see the two
of you when you were hardly this high,
scampering over
the Gloucester rocks.
How did she happen to meet
this guy, Stanley?
He's her boss for the past two years.
Nice fellow?
He's not even a man!
He's a tradition!
Out of Lexington by the Minutemen.
He's a mummy, that's what he is.
The Stanleys are one
of the finest families in Boston, Pa.
Yeah, fine family of fossils.
I don't know whatever
got into my Em.
See, Pete, that's why I went out
and I took a couple.
Took several.
It's easy to explain. Every girl wants to
be Cinderella. There's her chance.
- That's what I was trying to...
- You all right?
Oh, yes, yes.
That's what I wanted to say.
- Come over here.
- That's what I wanted to tell you.
The newspaper photographers,
the reporters,
it's the biggest hullabaloo
you ever seen!
- That's why we're gonna move.
- Move? Where are you moving?
The Stanleys are kind enough
to take us in.
They're giving Ma and me a wing
in that Grant's Tomb
they call a home.
They have a little gatehouse there,
but can we live in it?
Oh, no, no. What would the
newspapers say if they ever found out
the bride's parents were bunking
in the servants' quarters?
You've got to save me, Pete.
Look, son...
...they're going to make me live there.
And I'll die there, Pete!
They're going to bury me!
Can you picture me, can you see me,
molding in the ground
with a bunch of landlubbers,
the likes of them?
Yeah, well, you'll mold and like it.
Pa, come out of there. Look at him.
The best mackerel man!
He ain't seen a mackerel
in ten years.
The drunken old faker.
Look at the cut of you.
And us all ready
to go to the Stanley home!
Hello, Pete.
We don't want any trouble from you.
No, I know Pa and I know you.
I know he's been blowing off
like a spume whale.
Go in there and drink some coffee.
The whole pot of it!
Take a bath and put that suit on
Emmy bought you.
And if you're not sober
in a half an hour,
I'll leave you here to rot
in your own bilge water!
Ma, don't roust Jonesy.
He's entitled to celebrate. He's rich.
Like I told you,
I don't want any trouble with you.
Emmy's tired of supporting him.
Her mind's made up.
You both know what that means.
And I'm very happy about it, see?
Thank you, Ma Kettle.
I'm gonna fix the children
something to eat.
- Children?
- Yeah.
Pete came home with two orphans.
He adopted them. Poor little things.
- You adopted some orphans?
- I sure did, Pa.
- Poor little things!
- There you are, Pete!
There's your bait! Hook her with
the kids. Em's a pushover for kids.
You just drink your coffee!
I wouldn't do anything like that, Pa.
I'm not that big a heel.
This is no time for ethics.
You have less than a week.
Less than a week for what?
Why, to get ready for your wedding,
of course.
- Say, Em, I was just...
- Ix-nay in front of the ids-Kay.
I just wanted to tell you
how happy I am.
- You are?
- Yes.
- So am I.
- You like her?
- I love her.
- Pa, this is Bobby. This is Suzi.
Kids, this is Emmadel's father here.
Congratulations, Grandpa.
You have a very beautiful daughter.
Well, blow me down!
Emmy, he called me "Grandpa".
You know, I think I'm gonna
like him, Pete. And you too.
Don't breathe in their faces!
Poor little things.
The movers! We're not even ready!
No. llbur-way sent the car for me.
I have to take care of the move
from the other end.
Well, Emmy,
thanks a lot for everything.
Don't let her go, Pete.
- I'll see you around sometime.
- Sure, I'll be around somewhere.
- Pete!
- See you later, Bobby.
Say, you don't suppose you could
arrange to drop me off somewhere?
- llbur-way wouldn't mind, would he?
- Where?
I've gotta find somewhere
to bed these kids down.
- They haven't even had dinner!
- I don't mean them.
I don't wanna drag them all over too.
They're tired.
- That old heel!
- Pete just wants to get you alone!
- Don't fall for it!
- Don't be ridiculous.
I'd be very happy
to drop you off downtown.
See to it they nap
before he gets back.
Yeah. Watch yourself. Rattlesnakes
can look pretty harmless sometimes.
You're so sweet, Mother.
Oh, no.
Watch yourself, Emmy!
What is an llbur-way?
An llbur-way is an ain-pay in the...
- Pa!
- I'm drinking my coffee.
This is beautiful. Cinderella.
Imagine you trying to get your foot
in a glass slipper.
What a time we used to have
just getting plain old shoes on you.
I know this is a lot of junk to you,
but I love it.
And the fellow that goes with it.
Get that straight.
- I got it straight. You explained it...
- I haven't said a word to you, you...
I couldn't in front of those
poor little kids.
What in heaven's name are
you gonna do with them?
- We'll get along, I guess.
- You guess?
- I hate to break a promise to a kid.
- What promise?
Well, about having a home
of their own.
Did you see the look
on Bobby's face back there?
- Emmy, you haven't any idea...
- Oh, haven't I?
Would you like for me
to find a home for you?
The Stanley Investment Company
owns over half the houses in Boston.
Don't worry about me, Emmy, I'll...
Oh, I'm not worried about you.
The Stanley Building,
please, Morse.
Get her! Wow!
Thanks, Emmy.
Words will do.
Don't make with the hands, or the feet,
or the eyes, or the soft soap.
I see.
Thank you, Morse.
Just a little place where Wilbur
gets his mail.
It's simple, but we like it.
Hello, Mary.
Certainly a vast kingdom.
You've got the keys to it too, I see.
Well, these are just the keys
to where we keep the keys.
The guy's not only gonna marry you,
he trusts you too?
Do you like the kids, Em?
Yes, they're sweet.
You know something?
I had our honeymoon all planned.
Just you and me and the kids down
at that old shack of Pa's at Gloucester.
- Still there, isn't it?
- Yup.
You remember the fun
we used to have, Em?
Of course, that was BW.
- What's BW?
- Before Wilbur.
Is this that desk you ran
around for two years?
- Yup.
- Quite a course, about 1.8 miles.
- Every day?
- Twice a day.
Did you go counterclockwise
or clockwise?
The small-house listings
are in the file room.
Oh, look at...
What's this, Buckingham Palace?
Oh, that's the townhouse.
- That's right.
- Isn't it cute?
Well, it's got walls, battlements,
turrets and everything, but no moat.
You gotta have a moat, Emmy.
This little lean-to,
that's the gatehouse, I guess?
- Yup.
- That's very cozy.
If you're through with your
sightseeing tour, Mr. Garvey...
Pardon me, Miss Jones.
He's a golfer, I see.
Well, that's a nice old man's game.
Hope old Wilbur isn't too old, Emmy.
- Look who's talking.
- Why, I'm just a little bitty boy.
What kind of a place do you want?
Just a little place, big enough
for me and the kids. Unfurnished.
You'll have to put your furniture
in storage.
Give it to me, I'll have some memories
while you're living with someone else.
- Oh, brother.
- Emmy!
I've changed.
You don't realize it, but I have.
You never saw me with
a couple kids before?
No, I never did.
You and Pa weren't fooling me
a bit with that "heel" business.
I mean, don't think these kids
will make me do
a last-minute switch to Garvey.
I'm not. So stop trying!
- You're so bitter.
- There are perfect loves of children
all over the world. I want my own.
ls there anything wrong with that?
Why, no, it's fine with me. We've
got two ready-made babysitters.
We'd be free as the breeze, Em.
You're free as the breeze now,
like you always wanted to be.
- Oh, Em.
- Don't give me the wounded doe eyes.
I met five planes,
and you weren't on any of them.
- I was on the sixth.
- By that time, my lamp burned out!
- And enter Wilbur, huh?
- And enter Wilbur.
I guess it was my fault, but gee whiz,
when you've wandered around
homeless for years and you
finally come back beaten...
If I knew you was coming,
I would have brought my violin.
You're a hard woman,
Emmadel Jones.
That I am.
A hard, hard woman.
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
Tell 'em I'll be there
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
Better save a chair
Hey, Em? Come here a minute,
I wanna show you something.
- Look.
- What am I supposed to look at?
Crazy, you can't see Gloucester
from here.
Yes, I can, Em. I can see the rocks
lashed by the green-white waves
and a boy and a girl.
Dopey sort of a boy,
but the girl's all fire and water.
And a lovely, lovely will-o'-the-wisp.
You got the boy right, finally.
Yes, Gloucester, an Indian summer,
the raging surf and a challenge.
And into the water she goes,
her dark hair flying...
Look, Heathcliff...
...Little Em doing cartwheels
on the beach in the moonlight
was delightful, I'm sure.
But Big Em, already searching
in the mirror for her first wrinkles,
Big Em wants security.
Now, can you still see Gloucester?
Well, it's getting a little foggy.
No, as a matter of fact, I could
still see Gloucester and I always will.
That's why I took up
with those two kids, Bobby and Suzi.
They were just like little ghosts
of you and me, Em.
Over there, you know,
for three years, with those kids,
living around that constant hunger
they have,
that idea of home.
And I never felt anything like it before.
It never occurred to me,
but I sure feel it now.
I'm just like those kids, Em.
I want a home. I want you.
I need you, Emmy.
More than your boss,
George Degnan, needs you?
Well, I haven't spoken to George yet.
I'm gonna call him
the first of the week.
Thanks, Pete. You really had me
sailing there for a minute.
But I'm all right now,
I've just dropped me anchor.
It's a boom.
Where you off to next, Pete?
Alaska? Yugoslavia?
No, I'm not gonna live
Ma's life all over again,
waiting on shore for a sailor
who comes to land every three years.
It's like being married to a salmon.
No, Pete, our boat has sailed.
Here's a place. Oh, no.
And these people don't permit children,
the monsters.
Here's a nice little item.
You seen this?
- Where'd you find it?
- I picked it up here somewhere.
Well, that's available.
Would you like to see it?
I don't have to.
I already like it.
The doorknob just seems to reach out
and wanna shake hands with you.
Reminds me of the Gloucester place
a lot, doesn't it you?
All right. I've got some form leases
in my office.
All right, Pa.
Oh, and how are the children?
Pa will load the furniture
on his truck for you.
- Thanks, Em.
- Sorry I can't help you.
You got a man of your own
to look after now.
Here's your lease and there's
the receipt for the first month's rent.
- OK.
- All square and even, Pete.
All square and even.
- It's late.
- Em?
A lot of luck, now.
Thanks, Pete. I'll...
I'll see you sometime.
I believe that when you make a break,
make a clean break, no hangovers.
That's right, no hangovers.
Well, you ready?
Say, don't we
always leave them singing?
Yeah, we always leave them singing.
- Wanna play?
- Sure.
Can you give me a little pickup
there on your typewriter?
Very pretty, but a little high for me.
You know my limited range.
You kill at 50 inches.
Just hang on around the curbs,
don't get lost.
I brought my scooter.
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
Tell 'em we'll be there
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
Better save a chair
When the party's getting a glow on
Singing fills the air
In the shank of the night
When the doin's are right
Well, you can tell 'em we'll be there
Oh, you remembered!
You know any more games?
She still loves me.
Gentlemen, this little meeting
will come to order here.
Take a letter, Miss Jones.
Sue wants a barbecue
Sam wants to boil a ham
- Grace wants a bouillabaisse stew
- Clean the kitchen!
Jake wants a weenie bake
Steak or a layer cake
He'll get a tummy ache too
- What's yours?
- Ulcers.
We'll build a tent or a teepee
Let the town crier cry
And if it's RS VP
This will be our reply
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
Tell 'em we'll be there
If you want a couple of deadheads
To fracture your affair
I may even sing Pagliacci
Spread out and give him air!
Everyone relax
And we'll have a few yaks
And you can tell 'em we'll be there
Gentlemen, be seated.
"Zee", went the bumblebee
Let's have a jubilee
"When?" said the prairie hen, "Soon?"
- "Sure", said the dinosaur
- "Where?" said the grizzly bear
- Under the light of the moon
- Yes
"How about you, Brother Jackass?"
Everyone gaily cried
"Say, are you coming to the fracas?"
- And over his specs he sighed
- "Well, carry on!"
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
Tell 'em we'll be there
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
- Put slickum on my hair
- Coming up.
Now, perhaps I may seem
But remember, C'est la...
If we're still on our feet
And there's something to eat
Well, you can tell 'em we'll be there
- He'll be there too.
- He better be.
- The natives are restless tonight.
- In Boston?
No, down in the Caribbees
Some Aborigines
Rode out to pay me a call
"You likey singo jingo
"Me likey too", they cried
I didn't get their lingo
So this is what I replied
In the cool, cool...
Remember when we won
the cup at Gloucester?
- And you lost it in a crap game?
- Well, they switched dice on me!
Which means we like 'em rare
When the tribe is getting a glow on
And tom-toms fill the air
If the dinner is free
And the dinner ain't me
Well, you can tell 'em we'll be there
Be sure and tell 'em we'll be there
Tell 'em we'll be there
If I can get out of bed
And put a head on my head
Well, you can tell 'em we'll be there
If you need a new face
Or a broken-down bass
Well, you can tell 'em we'll be there
Well, we had such a ball
Thanks for the use of the hall
And you can tell 'em we'll be there
- There.
- There?
There, there, there.
That's the silliest song
anybody ever did sing.
But the dance was lovely, wasn't it?
So smooth, elegant, well-contrived.
- See you next time we live, Pete.
- That's a date, honey.
Yes. Yes, George.
I'm all right, I'm fine.
Yeah. I'm gonna marry
Emmadel Jones Saturday.
Yeah. I know. I know all about Wilbur
Stanley and that Cinderella stuff.
But let me tell you something, don't
believe a thing you read in your paper,
unless it's got the old Pete Garvey
byline on it, you hear me?
Now, here's what I want you to do.
Come out to 312 Harbor Village Road.
Yeah, 9:00. Got the address? 312.
And bring some photographers
with you.
- Look for 312, you guys.
- There's 302.
- There's 303.
- 12 is an even number.
- No!
- 308.
There's Pete!
With that mob on the lawn.
- Arrest him. He's an imposter!
- How can I? He has a lease too.
Excellent! Spoken like a true
guardian of the public security.
With such servants as you,
our nation is in no peril.
Let me straighten you on something,
Mr. McGonigle. We are victims.
Innocent victims of a gigantic
hoax to defraud and deceive.
I'm the victim.
You know what you are? I'll tell you!
- What?
- You're a scoundrel! You are, sir.
You come here without a by-your-leave
or a word of warning
and start littering up my beautiful lawn
with all that junk of yours.
- Officer, kindly turn your back...
- Take it easy!
- Just a minute! What's going on here?
- None of your business!
Right. I'm having a private discussion
with Mr. McGonigle. Who are you?
Why, I'm George Degnan
of the Morning Express.
- A newspaper man!
- My name is O'Neil.
You've arrived in the nick of time.
I have a lease here.
A lease entitling me
to occupy this bungalow,
me and my two orphans
arrived from Europe.
But can I occupy it? No! Why?
Because of an octopus!
What? Who's an octopus?
No, you're a father
and a fine gentleman.
- That's a different tune.
- We were issued duplicate leases.
Issued with intent of avarice
and deceit by a real-estate octopus,
- whose tentacles are strangling...
- Oh, a real-estate octopus.
Yes, and there should be an expose.
If I were a newspaperman,
I would spread this across the nation
in letters of fire!
I would spread this across the nation
in letters of fire!
I'd put him in prison for life!
That's what I'd do!
I'll do the arresting around here!
Can I see your lease, Mister...
What was your name?
Garvey, just a plain, simple name
like Garvey.
Garvey, and a fine name it is too.
From the County Cork, I take it?
- No, County Kerry, I think.
- Then stop thinking.
If you're not from County Cork,
it doesn't matter where you're from.
The Stanley Real Estate Company.
Wilbur Stanley.
You're right, Mr...?
What was your name?
- Garvey.
- You're absolutely right, Garvey.
This calls for an expos! And never
let it be said that the Morning Express
failed the downtrodden!
Where's your phone?
- It's inside the door, on the left.
- OK, boys, shoot everything.
We'll have justice here soon.
The bridegroom cometh, Pete.
And to think that this could happen
in the glorious city of Boston,
practically the citadel of human liberty,
home of the Boston Tea Party.
Why, they're not asking much, these
little orphans from a devastated world,
just a roof over their heads,
a little kindness, a little affection.
Gentlemen, Mr. Stanley is here.
So that's the fellow, is it?
I'll arrest him for disturbing the peace.
No, officer.
This is still a democratic country.
He's entitled to have his say.
Mr. Stanley? George Degnan of the
Morning Express. I telephoned you.
- Oh, yes.
- Come on, boys. Get busy.
Isn't this quite a fuss to make
about a simple matter?
It's not simple to me or to these little
waifs. Why, it's an outrage. It's pract...
- You're Mr. Stanley?
- That's right.
- Not Wilbur Stanley?
- Wilbur.
It's hardly a name I'd have chosen
for myself.
Gentlemen, do you have your leases?
I have mine, sir. Here it is.
McGonigle is the name.
And yours?
Oh, I'm Garvey.
That was quite a stirring speech you
greeted me with. What's the gimmick?
- Gimmick, Mr. Stanley?
- Gimmick, Mr. Garvey.
Because this is obviously
a simple clerical error.
A simple clerical error? With these two
poor little children out in the night air
in this South Boston monsoon?
I don't think the courts will take
that view of it, sir.
- Now we're coming to it.
- Right!
I don't think Boston will be very proud
when it reads the Morning Express.
Boston is never proud of itself when
it reads the Express, Mr. Degnan.
- Pictures and everything, right?
- Yeah, sure.
- Newsworthy pictures too.
- I see.
Well, what is it you want, Mr. Garvey?
A bigger house?
No, no. My fiancee picked out
this house. She loves it here.
- Your fiance?
- Yes.
- Getting married, Mr. Garvey?
- Saturday, Mr. Stanley.
Well, what do you know.
Why, Mr. Stanley's getting married
on Saturday too, Mr. Garvey.
Well, how about that?
I thought everybody knew I was
getting married on Saturday.
You and the Express
and your Cinderella story.
Hey, that's the prince. He's the one
that's gonna marry the Cinderella.
He's younger than you thought he was,
isn't he, Peter?
And he's better-looking than you
thought he was. Isn't he, Peter?
All that and 40 million dollars besides.
I'd love to stay with you,
but we ought to get
- these little children in out of the rain.
- Oh, yes.
- Where's Mr. Garvey?
- I'm over here in the balcony.
Well, if you will come down
to the office with me,
Mr. Garvey,
I'll try to find something for you.
I'd like to find something
really nice.
- Goodbye, everybody.
- Goodbye!
See you at the wedding!
The office, Dino.
May I congratulate you
on the vigor and enterprise
with which you get things done,
Mr. Garvey?
Hey, you're no easy man
to shave yourself, Mr. Stanley.
Well, now that we're alone,
Mr. Garvey, give.
What was that big mishmash
all about?
That was a light case of blackmail.
Well, that's plain enough.
What is it you want, Mr. Garvey?
I'd like to spend the next few days
in your gatehouse, Mr. Stanley.
Seems you and I have
duplicate leases too.
I don't understand.
- Know that girl you'll marry Saturday?
- Yes.
That's the girl
I'm gonna marry Saturday.
You're the newspaperman,
the one that was in Paris.
- Right. She told you about me, huh?
- You have no idea what she told me.
I can imagine.
Well, I guess you know by now
that she loves me, Mr. Stanley.
- She's in love with me, Mr. Garvey.
- Oh, no, that's a rebound job.
- I was away three years.
- Two of those she worked for me.
No, it wasn't rebound.
I'm sorry.
It was a gradual, careful, wonderful
Then you're not afraid to have me
try to win her back?
Afraid? No, Mr. Garvey.
But I'm not interested in taking the
long end of a thousand-to-one shot.
If I thought you were any competition...
Even money in my book, Mr. Stanley.
- Really?
- Sure.
How does my gatehouse
figure in your plans?
Well, I pictured you as a doddering old
fossil, stumbling about your vast estate
with a shawl
over your shoulders,
and warming your cold, old hands
over a bonfire of dollar bills.
Then I pictured me stalking about
in my manly vigor,
and I figured Emmy can't resist,
that's all.
And now?
I'm revising my plans.
You're perfectly welcome
to move into the gatehouse.
You're welcome to try to beat
my time with Emmadel,
because I'm perfectly sure of myself
and of her, Mr. Garvey.
Me too. I'm sure of myself,
I'm sure of Emmy.
- I just have to remind her of things.
- What things?
Well, I'd like to know what ammunition
you have, I might want to shoot back.
Emmy likes sailing. I'm a good sailor.
We get her on a sailboat, you know...
Well, I won the Bar Harbor Regatta
two years in a row.
Well, I can handle myself around
professional wrestlers. There's...
I taught judo during the war.
- I'm a low-handicap golfer.
- I'm the state amateur champion.
- Cigarette?
- Thanks.
How's your canasta?
Pretty good.
I'm secretary of the whist club.
Like Irving Berlin says, "Anything you
can do, I can do better", huh?
Well, I'm taller than you
and probably a little younger
and possibly a little richer.
Trifles. Nothing.
What have you got that'll offset
40 million dollars, Mr. Garvey?
Forty million dollars.
You know, I can't
quite handle it?
I got a couple of kids though,
and Emmy loves kids.
I know.
And we hope to have triplets
before the year's out.
Now, you still want to live
in the gatehouse, Mr. Garvey?
I guess I am giving away
a lot of weight, but I'll chance it.
You may slip on a banana peel.
I won't allow a banana
around the place.
- Any particular rules?
- No rules. No holds barred.
No hollering "foul" or anything like that.
Best man wins. Deal?
- A deal.
- Emmadel will be the referee.
The referee and the purse.
I'm certainly glad
you showed up.
I probably always would've wondered
about that newspaperman in Paris.
Emmadel hates you so much,
I was beginning to be uneasy.
Now, I can see I had nothing
to worry about.
Home, Dino.
I've just invited Mr. Garvey
to my wedding.
- One thing.
- What?
Don't tell Emmadel
about this contest.
If she knew, she'd probably marry me
out of sheer stubbornness.
I'd never know which one of us
she really wanted.
You know Emmadel.
I know her better than you do,
Mr. Stanley.
That's my little secret weapon.
- On your marks?
- Get set.
- Ready.
- Go.
Lydia, I want you to stop
every darn clock in the house.
Well, when the clock struck 12,
Cinderella turned back into a pumpkin.
Of course.
Now, look at yourself.
- Can that be Emmadel Jones?
- Only for four more days, darling.
- Wilbur!
- Hold it! Hold it.
- Here, take this. Don't drink it.
- Do you like it?
- Perfect. Perfect just the way you are.
- For breakfast?
No, for presentation to the court,
If we're to live a fairy tale,
let's live it.
- This is my best party dress.
- There's more where that came from.
Oh, Wilbur. If somebody pinches me
and wakes me up,
I'll kill them, so help me.
When I think of my skirts and sweaters
and my one good black dress,
I'm gonna have to be such a good wife
to deserve all of this.
Oh! And I've been sampling
all the perfume. Do I smell awful?
You smell like a flower garden
in a spring rain.
Oh, you mustn't be nice to me, I bawl.
I always bawl.
- Will the whole family be there?
- Whole family.
- Will my family be there?
- They're having breakfast in bed.
Breakfast in bed? Pa too?
I suggested it. I thought I'd spare
our respective families
from running head-on into each other
the very first morning.
It could be quite a shock
for both of them.
I hope your family's
well insulated.
Your knees, sir.
- Shall I break your egg, sir?
- No, thank you.
- I have me own teeth.
- Yes, sir.
This is the life, huh?
Only birds eat in the same nest
they sleep in.
Or pigs..
What does that son of a Revolution
think we are?
- Pigs?
- William, please.
Oh, I'm William now, am I?
I suppose if we stay in these twin beds
much longer, I'll be Mr. Jones.
Then we'll be communicating
by wigwag and semaphore.
A man and wife should never sail
separate courses.
No wonder they haven't produced
anything around here in 30 years.
What about breakfast? I'm starved.
Yes, Abby.
Well! Bless my cinches! Look!
- Well, really.
- Family, meet Emmadel Jones.
- Hello, family.
- Oh, she's lovely.
This is Aunt Amy.
She's the oldest.
Welcome to our bed and board.
And you will be, plenty.
It's only the men who count here,
my dear.
- Emmadel's going to change all that.
- I hope so.
And this is Aunt Abby. She can't hear
very well, but she's a real good egg.
- This is Uncle Adam. He builds ships.
- How do you do?
- And Uncle Elihu. He breeds horses.
- How do you do?
Bless my cinches,
what a sharp little filly.
- Thank you.
- And here's Uncle Prentiss.
- Once upon a time he had a past.
- How do you do?
One thing you can say about
the Stanleys, Miss Jones,
they have no family skeletons
in the closet.
We all come down to breakfast.
Oh, I almost forgot.
This is Cousin Winifred.
My maid of honor. I'm very happy
to meet you, Winifred.
- Thank you.
- Lights up the old place like a lamp.
Well, that's because I'm burning
a special kind of oil in my...
- I beg your pardon.
- What's wrong with that?
Well, nothing. Nothing.
You got the family wedding gift ready,
Uncle Elihu?
- To Emmadel with love.
- Thank you so much.
Five thousand dollars!
Oh, fif...
- Five hundred thousand, for what?
- It's an old Stanley custom, darling,
- since you'll be an old Stanley.
- But that's half a million.
- You'll earn it.
- And a bonus beside for every colt.
You're the great white hope,
Miss Jones.
Well, darling. You're not too
disappointed, I hope.
Oh. Wilbur, I love you all so much
I could cry.
The fairy tale goes that Cinderella
and the prince lived happily ever after.
And I hereby swear that I'm not a girl
to let an old fairy tale down.
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
- What's that?
- What's happened, Adam?
Someone's singing over
the loudspeaker out on the lawn.
I guess that's the character that
moved into the gatehouse last night.
You've still got your hand up, darling.
Excuse me, everybody.
Tell 'em I'll be here
That's Petey-boy singing.
Coming, Pete.
What's the matter with you?
Where you going?
What are you doing, going out
that window? You crazy?
Pa, come back here!
That vine won't hold you!
Scum-washed old barnacle,
come back here! Hey, Pa! Pa!
I haven't heard that kind of noise
since my first wife died.
You hear me? You're like
an old mackerel out there!
Pa, come back here!
I'm gonna kill you!
Come back here. You'll catch
your death of cold out there!
Pete, why don't you stop
kidding yourself?
How do you expect to stop a wedding
the whole country's waiting for?
You're fiddling, Pete, while the
Far East burns, and while I burn.
- When are you going back to work?
- Pete, boy. Petey.
Hello, Pa! Come in. How are you?
How are you? Look at them.
- Look at my little barnacles.
- Aren't they great?
- Look, Pa. Your old ship. The Whale.
- Oh, Peter, you brought it.
- I love it. You know that's...
- Hey. The bell.
- You're about to have company.
- Company? Who?
- Emmy!
- Emmy!
What's the matter, your tooth?
Take her outside and pull her tooth.
Use that string.
You better duck.
Get in here, fellas. Inside.
Everything's square and even,
no hangovers, leave them singing,
check when you ought to check.
You no-good... What are you doing?
- If you wear that thing for breakfast...
- You didn't answer my question.
- What are you doing here?
- Well, I can tell you it's...
- Suzi, Bobby! Well, what on earth?
- Mother!
She got a loose tooth. I didn't have the
nerve, so Bobby said he'd hack it out.
Poor little thing. And with strings yet,
you monster.
Why, I used to tie a string to
your tooth, remember?
- No.
- I tied the string to a door, remember?
- No!
- She don't remember.
Now, Suzi, you close your eyes
and make a wish.
Tell her, Bobby.
There. Now, let me have it.
Good. You see, children need
a mother's attention.
Now, Suzi, open your eyes.
Tell her, Bobby.
There, you see?
You didn't feel a thing. Look.
Oh, well, you mustn't cry now.
There's nothing left to cry about.
She's just hysterical
because she's hungry.
Hungry? Why?
Bobby and I ran into a bit of a problem.
You see, Suzi can't cook.
- They haven't had breakfast?
- They had a wonderful one.
I took them to the drugstore,
got them coffee, doughnuts.
- No, sinkers!
- Sinkers.
- Pete Garvey.
- Children need a mother's care.
- Look, I told you once before, don't...
- Don't argue here, in front of the kids.
Look, Suzi. Take this to the garden,
bury it and your wish will come true.
Go tell her about it,
will you, Bobby?
- Of all the low sneaks.
- I'm not a sneak.
- Mr. Stanley asked me to come here.
- Wilbur?
Yes. I don't see why you resent
the fact we finally found a little shelter.
Out of the city of Boston, did it have to
be this shelter? How did you get here?
- It's your fault, Em.
- My fault?
The place you sent us to was rented.
Stanley, being a fine gentleman,
he said, "By all means,
come and occupy my gatehouse."
- You blackmailed your way in.
- No blackmail.
If you plan to squat and hatch out
schemes to ruin my wedding,
you better get off the nest.
It won't work.
I'm in. And I have something else
I'd like for you to see.
Don't touch it,
just count the zeros.
- A wedding present from the family.
- Let me see that. Holy tam...
Well, thanks for the tip, Em.
Now I know how much to ask for.
- How much to ask for what?
- I didn't know how to break this to you,
but I've been preparing to be featured
in my own little Cinderella story.
I've been trying on glass slippers.
Very attractive on my 8 1/2 C's.
- What are you talking about?
- Winifred Stanley.
Winifred Stanley?
Well, what about her?
I met her last night. She likes me.
Oh, you idiot! Winifred Stanley...
ls OK. She's $20 million worth of OK.
And she's beautiful too, baby.
I might wind up with a million. When
a woman starts out to find a husband...
Winifred Stanley wouldn't even look
at a tramp like you.
No? You used to love me, honey.
ls she any better than you are?
- I never loved you! I hate you!
- You see, you're getting jealous.
Jealous? Of you? That's wonderful.
That's really wonderful.
Good. You won't mind putting
in a pitch for me.
- Don't step on my dress!
- I can't stay off. I'd have to leave town.
Will you put in a little pitch for me?
Tell her some of my lovable features.
Don't hang around too close,
don't cramp my style.
I don't believe a word you're saying,
and when you get that milk-lapping
expression on your face,
you just scare me to death.
Now, there you go.
You see, Emmy? You barge.
- Help me up!
- You mustn't barge.
If you're gonna be a Stanley,
learn to walk like one.
You ever seen Winifred Stanley?
She just floats along.
- Help me up!
- And do something about that temper.
You must curb it. You and I got
a pretty good thing here.
If you explode,
you'll kick it in the chops.
- Help me up!
- If we play our cards right,
we could wind up being
It's a little too much to expect
from the daughter of a mackerel man.
UP We go.
My pipe from Paris.
- You're out.
- What's the matter? I was safe.
- What're you trying? I was safe.
- You're out.
Now, get up to the house
before Ma catches you!
- And as for you, you collaborator.
- Now, Emmy, I'm on your side.
I've got a million reasons
to marry Wilbur Stanley.
- Half a million that I know of.
- Well, the biggest reason is you!
Would you like to cover
the Stanley wedding,
or should I give the assignment
to somebody else?
There's not gonna be any
Stanley wedding. I know my Em.
Right now, she's like
a little bucking bronco,
fixing to rear, tear, kick and plunge
all over the place.
If I can just find the right burr,
slip it under her saddle,
oh, man, she'd kick down every fence
in this $40 million corral.
Well, I'm watching this blond,
Winifred, last night,
casing her real close,
her and her cousin, Wilbur.
And all of a sudden, I get that "poing".
The "poing" I get when I sense a story.
- You haven't had a "poing" for years.
- Never you mind, it's infallible.
Anyhow, I see there's something
between her and Wilbur,
or there has been,
or there could be.
Now, if I could just make
her acquaintance.
I beg your pardon.
Why, Miss Stanley!
Well, "Walk into my parlor",
said the spider.
- What happened to you?
- No idea, I think it was a tidal wave.
Well, here. Come over by the fire.
Let me get the gas turned up a little.
George, this is Cousin Wilbur's
cousin, Winifred.
- With your luck, it would have to be.
- Get out of that wet coat.
We'll get you into some dry clothes,
get this stuff wrung out.
There you are. Wait till I get some
towels. Get over by the fire there.
- Wilbur, you do love me, don't you?
- Oh, darling.
Then let's get married tonight,
right away.
But it's four days until Saturday. I don't
wanna wait, anything can happen.
I don't want to wait either. But after all,
a Stanley just can't get married,
- like other people, at the drop of a hat.
- Why not? ls there a law against it?
Certainly, for people like us.
Laws of tradition.
Laws of what's expected of you.
The wedding invitations
have gone out to 500 people.
There's more relatives on the way,
newsreels, television.
- I know. just...
- Just what, Emmadel?
Wilbur. Remember my telling you
about an idiot I grew up with?
- I was ten and thought I was in love?
- The newspaperman.
He's here. But you don't know he's
the thing you dragged out of the rain.
Sure, I know.
- You do?
- I do.
Why did you bring him if you knew?
I had to be absolutely sure
you wanted me.
- But you don't think I want him?
- Well, I hope not.
I should say not.
He makes me absolutely ill.
And I want you to go down there
and throw him out on his ear.
Oh, darling. Thanks.
- But I can't.
- Why not?
A little thing called
a gentleman's agreement.
Wilbur, you don't understand.
Pete Garvey is no gentleman,
and I don't want him around here.
Why not, darling? You scared?
Scared? Of him?
Well, I say!
He thinks if he hangs around he can
bust up our wedding. Can he?
- Did he say that?
- He said that.
Don't you dare throw him out of here.
Don't you dare throw him out of here!
Wilbur, do me a favor. Ask him to sing
at our wedding. He thinks he can sing.
Nothing would give greater pleasure
than to marry you if he has to sing to it.
Ooh, am I gonna make it!
I'll quit barging. I won't lose my temper
no matter what.
And I'm going to learn
how to be a lady, come...
...well, come high water.
And I'm gonna marry you.
I beg your pardon, Mr. Stanley,
but did you ask to see a Mr. Cusick...
Oh, yes, Baines. Thank you.
Mr. Cusick. Ask him...
- Ask him to wait outside.
- Yes, sir.
I'm gonna marry you if it's
the last thing I do on this earth.
And I'm gonna get out of this
because I look like Halloween.
- Please, Mr. Garvey.
- Pete.
Pete, they called me, when I was
towel boy at the Turkish bath.
- This is embarrassing.
- Embarrassing?
You mean with George?
We've shared everything since
we were this high, haven't we?
That we have. We never shared
anything like this, however.
- Well, I can imagine how I look...
- You look beautiful.
You look better wet than you do
the other way. It brings out your...
Your personality. Cousin Wilbur
ever see you soaking wet?
- Cousin Wilbur? No, why?
- Yeah.
You see, that's too bad.
Little things might change
the course of history.
And you shouldn't call him Cousin
Wilbur. It reminds him of things.
- Reminds him of what things?
- That you're both Stanleys.
I'll bet that's been a problem through
your entire life. Being a Stanley?
- How did you know that?
- George.
"Poing!" Are you listening?
Cousin Wilbur ever tell you
how beautiful you are?
- Me?
- Yeah.
I see he hasn't.
It's all your own fault too,
because you are beautiful,
a perfect knockout.
It would take the eye of an artiste
to detect it
through that camouflage
you're wrapped in.
And Wilbur's no artiste,
I'll tell you that.
Definitely not a... He's...
- Say, let me see you up on your toes.
- My toes?
Up, up. Come on.
Up, up, up-
- George.
- Hold the phone, Esther.
- What's the matter?
- Doesn't it make a difference?
- That changes legs into gams.
- There you are, you see?
- Gams?
- Why do you wear track shoes?
- Running the anchor lap in the relay?
- I'm too tall, if you must know.
- Too tall? Did you hear that, George?
- Too tall for what?
Too tall. How ridiculous can you be?
You ever hear of a squatty goddess?
Was Cleopatra a shorty?
Was Mata Hari a shrimp?
Was Venus de Milo a midget?
No, of course not.
Why, they were all first basemen
like you.
Tell McCarthy I want a feature story
on tall women.
Low heels indeed.
And Helen of Troy. Was it her face
that launched those thousand ships?
No, of course not.
High heels. Gams.
Slip out of those things, we'll launch
Cousin Wilbur in the morning.
You know, Miss Stanley, men seldom
make passes at flat-heeled lasses.
- George, that's beautifully put.
- What?
Yes, I thought so. Did you get that,
Esther? Put that down.
What he means is, dear,
that you're just not whistle-bait.
- Whistle-bait?
- Yeah. Don't you know from whistles?
Well, I...
- Nobody ever do that to you?
- Why, of course not. How common!
This is a complete overhaul job.
I can see that right now.
Look, there's a pair of pajamas in the
bedroom there. Will you put them on?
- Mr. Garvey!
- Go, hurry up. I've only got four days.
- Four days to do what?
- To make you into a Jones.
I'm Pygmalion Pete, they call me.
But I can't Pygmalion if you stand
around in those soaking clothes.
I'm gonna sculpt you into
a little production, a little one
that's gonna knock Cousin Wilbur
right on his ear.
- Why?
- Why what?
Why do you want me to knock
Cousin Wilbur...?
I mean, why are you so anxious for me
to be attractive to Cousin Wilbur?
Can I level with you?
I wish you would.
I've never been so confused in my life.
I want to marry
Emmadel Jones myself.
Will you help me?
Can I level with you?
You've been in love
with Cousin Wilbur all your life.
Yes, and I'll do anything
short of murder.
Winnie, I love you.
I love you, love you!
That's the first time a man
ever said that to me.
- You're kidding.
- I like it.
It's nice.
- I should've taken this up long ago.
- Sure.
- Pajamas, you say? In there?
- Pajamas. Go ahead.
Oh, that walk.
The walk's a brute, you walk like you're
taking a sobriety test, like a Stanley.
Walk like a Jones, barge around, like a
live bait boat, like Emmy does, like this.
Makes you a colorful tomato. Now, go
get the pajamas. Come on, hurry up.
You'll still be here too, won't you?
Sure, sure. Running a newspaper
is just a hobby with me.
- I'll be right down, Esther.
- Where you going?
- Going to work. I eat, remember?
- Are you kidding?
- This is great. I just found my burr.
- Her?
Yes, a great big blond beautiful burr.
I'll slip her right under Emmy's saddle.
I won't be down today, Esther.
I'm going to a rodeo.
Now you're thinking, George.
- Mr. Cusick?
- Yes.
- How do you spell that name?
- C-U...
Pardon, stand over here.
You're right in the sun.
- Oh, that's quite all right.
- We spell it C-U-S-I-C-K.
You're one of the few people
who say it correctly.
- Polish?
- Pol...?
Oh, no, no, sir.
American for generations.
- How long in the Immigration Service?
- Twenty-five years next January.
- It's a long and honorable career.
- Yes, sir.
Now about Mr. Garvey.
If he isn't married by Saturday,
- he loses the children, right?
- Yes, they go back to France.
Cusick, I know the children,
and I like them very much.
My bride-to-be is sort of hipped on
the subject of children. Any children.
And I am getting married Saturday.
How about a bid for the little Frenchies
if he should miss connections?
To adopt them yourselves,
Mr. Stanley?
To adopt them ourselves.
First, the basic fundamental principle
in Pygmalion Pete's School of Charm
is that you gotta laugh, be happy,
be gay, be insouciant.
Bubble, live, enjoy life.
- With Uncle Elihu?
- Uncle Whola-who?
- Uncle Elihu.
- Who's he?
Oh, he considers himself head
of the family and he breeds horses
and mentally breeds Stanleys
and thinks my blood's too blue.
- Too blue for what?
- There aren't any Stanleys under 30.
He thinks there should be
more red blood.
- Ah, like the Jones blood.
- Yes. Yeah.
He thinks I'm as barren as
a weed patch. How does he know?
Yes, how does he know? It's just that
he's afraid, like all the Stanley clan.
Afraid of themselves, of you.
You're afraid of you.
- I'm not afraid!
- Of course not.
Barren, indeed. A great big beautiful
girl like you might have 20 children.
You'll have a football team,
platoon system, offense and defense.
It's because he's afraid. He's never
relaxed, never learned to enjoy life.
No fun, no bubble,
no laughs, no chuckles.
Have you ever had a real big laugh
in your life?
Well, yes. I guess so.
Well, let me hear you laugh once. Let's
hear a right nice, big, raucous laugh.
- That's a raucous laugh, huh?
- Pretty sick.
That's nothing, nothing at all.
Can't you laugh?
How do you expect me to laugh
when there's nothing to laugh at?
You don't need anything. You laugh at
life because it's fun, good, enjoyable.
- Well, all right. Go ahead, you laugh.
- Why, sure.
Remember we were coming home
from Wellesley on the old bus,
and the tailgate fell off,
and you fell out in the snow?
Do you remember that...?
You remember when
we were in Worcester?
- The time when the...
- Cop came up and fell off his cycle...
And we got off at the...
- What's so funny?
- Oh, I don't know.
But it's the best laugh
I've had in years.
I'm afraid we're rushing her too fast.
We're bringing her along too rapidly.
She's not ready to laugh yet.
We'll get back to something else.
Now, the walking, the promenade,
the way you walk. It's very important.
We gotta work. It's like you're stepping
over a bonfire.
Now, go up and down here
a couple of times.
Now, watch this, George.
This is very important. This is basic.
Men notice how girls walk.
It's the first thing they...
That's nothing. That's too prissy.
Just like a Stanley, too much Stanley.
You gotta get a little Jones in it.
- You're afraid.
- I'm not afraid.
You're scared to death.
Now, let's see you go again.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
- That's Ma Jones!
- That's pretty good.
That's too much.
We gotta cut that in half.
Dilute that, cut it down 50 percent
and we might be getting somewhere.
Now, let's see about
50 percent of that.
Pete! He whistled! At me!
Thank you!
- Of course he did. Why wouldn't he?
- You see?
Another thing, don't look down at men.
It gives them an inferiority complex,
makes them feel like they're in
the morning lineup. Here, sit down.
Look up at men like Emmy does.
Tilt your head a little.
- Like this?
- Give it a little like that.
Now, give them those limpid blues.
Bat those lashes. Fan and flip them.
- Oh, now we're moving!
- I think you're getting to me.
- I feel so silly.
- What's wrong with feeling silly?
Men love silly girls. Emmadel Jones
is the silliest girl you've ever seen.
Why, Emmadel breaks up at funerals,
she's so silly.
There's nothing wrong,
men love it.
They adore a silly girl,
makes them feel protective.
Isn't she silly? She's cute,
but she's silly. They like them.
- Right, George?
- Yeah.
And another thing,
you must learn to wrestle.
- Wrestle?
- Wrestle.
- Here's where I came in.
- Wait a minute, George!
Wrestling's important. It breaks
them down, loosens up theirjoints.
Makes you supple. Besides, you may
have to fight Emmy for Wilbur.
- Fight her for him.
- I'll fight anything.
What do you weigh and who's
your manager? We'll book you Friday.
- Ever seen a headlock?
- No.
How do you think Emmy
got Wilbur to propose?
She hit him with a walkover headlock
just like this. There we go.
Get the headlock on him, and you
put on the pressure and you pull.
Thattagirl! Give it to him.
Give it to him! Twist it. Twist it!
- Uncle!
- Twist it off and beat his head with it!
- Where's the ref? Where's the ref?
- Twist it. Ah, there's no referee.
- This is for keeps. Twist it! Twist it!
- Hey, now. No!
Give it to him!
I beg your pardon.
- Cousin Winifred.
- Cousin Wilbur.
We were working out a few holds.
We open Friday.
Winnie, wait a minute.
Where you going?
She's a potential killer.
She could wrestle in the big time.
- Killer?
- Sure. Show him.
Now, you're not afraid of anything
anymore, nothing in the whole world.
Show how relaxed and loose
and you are.
- Shake him up a little.
- Well, first,
- you shake him up a little, loosen him.
- Make the joints...
Because, you see,
all us Stanleys are afraid.
Loosen up, relax and have laughs,
don't you understand?
- Cousin Winifred, what...?
- Don't call me Cousin Winifred!
I'm only your fourth cousin,
twice removed.
Why, we're hardly even related.
In the deep South,
you'd be kissing cousins.
Yeah, kissing cousins.
- Go ahead, put the headlock on.
- All right.
- Look at that. That's wonderful.
- That's beautiful.
George. "Poing"!
Oh, Mr. Cusick!
Are you hurt any?
I'm not hurt, but I could've
broken my glasses!
- I'm glad you didn't.
- Who is she?
Oh, that's a sleepwalker.
She just woke up.
Say, Mr. Stanley is here. Ix-nay in
front of Anley-stay, you know?
What? Oh, hello,
Mr. Stan...
Ix-nay in front of Arvey-gay.
- What he mean by that?
- I don't know.
- I just dropped in...
- Wanna come in and rest?
No, I don't! I just dropped
by to check the address
and remind you Saturday
is the deadline.
- I know, we're fine.
- Yeah, I'm glad to hear that it is.
- We'll be by here Saturday morning,
- Yes.
With a matron, to leave the children
if you're married, or pick them up.
- Understood.
- I don't have to warn you
not to remove the children
from the premises.
You do, it's a federal offense.
The FBI takes over.
- I understand.
- I could have broken...
- Let me see.
- I think I did, I broke my upper plate!
- I broke the upper plate!
- Let me see.
- No, I don't want...
- That old snag.
That old snag wasn't doing you
any good. Have it pulled today.
Novocaine's on me. OK.
- So you lose the kids unless...
- Stick them up!
Quiet. Here they come.
Here they are. Hi, Bobby.
- When do we eat?
- When do we eat?
That's all I hear.
What do you want to eat?
- What'? Que! manger'?
- Em and heggs.
- What?
- Em and heggs.
Em and heggs?
Oh, it's a good thing you said that.
Go on out and get it ready.
I'll be right out, huh? Go ahead.
Hey, come back.
Merci beaucoup.
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
Nobody's gonna take those kids
from me, George. Nobody.
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
Tell 'em I'll be there
When the party's getting a glow on
And singing fills the air
- What're you doing?
- Three orphans in search of a mother.
I gotta get back
to the office, Pete.
Those wisenheimers will wonder
what I've been doing all day.
In the shank of the night
When the doings are right
Well, you can tell 'em I'll be there
Well, you can tell 'em we'll be there
- Good afternoon, Cousin Winifred.
- Hi, Em.
- What do you hear from the mob?
- Well, really, Winifred, your language.
Well, Lady La-di-da.
Your language, not my language.
I think we'd better go down
for rehearsal.
What'd you do?
Shed your skin or something?
Yeah. I'm growing a new one.
Jones skin.
You'll make it.
You've got a snake teaching you.
A very nice snake too.
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
Tell him I'll be there
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening
Be a Jones and you'll get somewhere
When the party's getting a glow on
And whistles fill the air
If there are plenty of men
And they need a new yen
You can tell 'em I'll be there
Cousin Emmy.
Cousin Winnie.
Oh, promise me that someday
You and I
Pardon me, but your promise
is a little flat.
To think of it,
your promises were always flat.
I don't care if they're flat or sharp,
as long as you sing at my wedding.
- It was my idea, you know.
- What's this guy got, anyway?
- What guy?
- It's not money,
Winifred's got as much money
as he has.
Pretty rough jolt, the only girls
in the world I wanted to marry
and they're both, both of them,
in love with Wilbur Stanley.
Oh, and you used to
be such a good reporter.
- Now you sound like a journalist.
- You know?
- You won't cloud my sky.
- You should see
the way he looks at her
when you're not watching.
- Everyone's talking.
- Really? Oh, really.
- Everyone's talking.
- Really? Oh, really.
I understand that she'll live with you
after the wedding.
- Yes, she is. What about it?
- Oh, that should be real, real jolly.
I just can't picture my Emmy
the member of a harem, that's all.
It's not my business.
You're leaving my life.
- I certainly am!
- I feel obligated to tell you
you're being made a chump of.
- Well, that's decent of you.
- You know something else?
- They are kissing cousins.
- Bride!
- Who?
- Four times removed.
Very delicate situation, huh?
- Bride, please!
- Watch it. Keep a sharp eye.
All right, friends.
The rehearsal is about to begin.
Let us organize ourselves.
This is it.
All right, Stanleys,
if you'll take your places
down front, on the right, please.
Thank you.
Now the bride's father, please.
- Friends, where is the bride's father?
- Here, here.
- This is your father?
- Yes, any objections?
Let's get on with this, Mr. Lilley.
- Now, you come down the aisle left.
- Now?
- Now. How do you feel?
- I'm fine, but...
- Suppose I can't make her wrestle?
- She'll wrestle. Do what I told you.
- To us.
- Don't forget the headlock,
the hammerlock and then
the crusher with the toehold.
- Good luck to you, kid.
- OK.
No tears at rehearsal.
If you will stand right on the left.
- Don't shove!
- Oh, this is bad luck.
- Didn't you know that?
- What's bad luck?
For the bride to take part
in a rehearsal.
That's just an old wives' tale,
a superstition.
- Come on, Pa.
- But if that's the way you want it.
Now, that doesn't mean
you can relax.
I want you to observe everything we do
and do it exactly as she does it.
I'll take you to your place. Down here
with your mother, please. On the left.
I'm about to show Wilbur
the other half of Emmy.
- If it works, I'm a duck-billed platypus.
- You'll be at the zoo.
And I'll be here to catch her
when he throws her out.
You won't be needing this thing.
This is a wedding, not a grunion run.
And bride, modest, please!
All right,
"The Wedding March", please.
- Watch this, George.
- Now.
One and two and...
Bride! Bride!
You're doing it...
Stop it! Stop that music!
Walk it, Winnie! Yeah!
Please, don't whistle! Don't whistle!
I can't do another thing if you whistle!
For goodness' sake, stop!
We have to do it over!
Why is Winifred shaking, Adam?
- Adam has forgotten.
- Adam never knew.
- Rock it, baby!
- Stop it! Stop it!
We have to do it over again.
Please! You're carrying the bride,
not a football!
For goodness' sakes, stop that!
Now! Now!
Why couldn't you have done that
before? For goodness' sakes.
One and two and...
That's it. Now you look wonderful.
What's happened to Winifred?
She's completely lost her dignity.
She's completely lost her girdle.
Minister, please.
After the address, I ask you,
"Wilbur, wilt thou have this...?"
- I will.
- Not so fast, please.
A wedding should never be eager.
- Please.
- I'm sorry.
- And then I ask you...
- I certainly will.
Wilbur, I love you.
I've always loved you.
Bride, please!
Oh, I'm sorry. For a moment it seemed
so real, I... I thought I was Cinderella.
This is just the rehearsal. Brother...
And then I say, "Who giveth this
woman to be married to this man?"
- I do.
- That's all we need from you,
thank goodness.
- And then I ask for the ring.
- What's going on up there?
Most obvious thing I've ever seen.
Place the ring on the bride's finger
and say,
"With this ring, I thee wed."
With this ring, I thee wed.
- With this ring, I thee wed.
- Say it again, darling.
- With this ring...
- Mr. Stanley,
it sounds like
you're marrying triplets!
They're kissing cousins,
you know, Pop.
Then I pronounce you man and wife,
and you kiss the bride.
All right.
All right!
All right! For goodness' sakes.
And now you take your
new husband's hand, but don't run.
Float joyfully.
- I hope I'm not interrupting...
- Shoo! Shoo!
She has to take his hand and float.
I'm the bride, and I will take
my new husband's hand
- and I will float joyfully.
- Emmadel.
I don't care! Somebody take your new
husband's hand and float joyfully!
- You get out of my wedding!
- Stay out of my wedding, gold digger!
- Winifred! Hey, you!
- If you don't get out, I'll throw you out.
You don't think a Jones can throw
a Stanley out, do you?
- Are you kidding?
- No! No, no, no!
No, no, no...
Emmy, get up out of there
and give it to her!
Get out and give it to her!
That's the way to go in there, Winnie.
That's the way to go.
Give her the Irish whip!
Give her the Irish whip!
Say "uncle".
I said, "Say uncle".
- Uncle.
- Louder!
Coming, Winifred.
- You wrestle with a Jones, will you?
- Emmadel!
And I'm not a lady and I'm tired
of pretending I am a lady!
I'm a mackerel man's daughter
and I'll always be one
and I'm proud of it!
And that goes for you too,
you kissing cousin!
I didn't know you had it
in you, Winifred.
Why didn't you tell us
you were a secret peasant?
Nobody asked me.
And what's more, I can have
a dozen kids, you old goats!
This is better than television.
- Emmy, I'm proud.
- Leave me alone!
I'm really proud.
I never saw you go so good.
I'm proud of you too, darling.
You had me worried with
that Lady Stanley routine.
I fell in love with a Jones and I'm glad
somebody made you realize that.
Now, you come back and go through
with this rehearsal.
Nice try, Mr. Garvey.
A little on the crude side.
Mr. Lilley, let's go on
with the rehearsal.
Yes, Mr. Stanley. All right, friends.
All the wakes I ever attended
had a drop for a man to drink.
- Have you anything around?
- I gave it up on account of the kids.
This, I gotta tell Big Joe.
- Say, where are the kids, anyway?
- They're at the mausoleum with Ma.
She's feeding them.
What went haywire, Pete?
Yes, Emmy did everything
you said she'd do.
I underestimated my man,
that's all, fellows.
This Wilbur's a pretty sharp cookie,
I'll tell you that.
I think he smelled a rat.
With the wind from the right direction,
he could have.
Stick them up!
What's this, a heist?
Uncle Wilbur gave us these.
Oh, he did, huh?
You like them, Pete?
They're very flashy, yeah,
but it's past your bedtime, you know.
- Oh, no.
- Yes, allez hop, tout de suite.
Take a bath.
Brush those choppers too, Suzi.
I came here at Emmadel's request,
Mr. Garvey, to throw you out
on your ear.
My house is your house, Mr. Stanley.
Good evening, Father,
and Mr. Degnan.
I hope you haven't changed your mind
about singing at my wedding.
It's at high noon.
You don't have to get out till after that.
That's hardly enough time for Pete
to find a house for the kids.
Kids won't need a house,
they're on their way back.
Don't worry about the kids, I've found
a house for them. My house.
- What's this?
- Since you're not getting married,
Emmadel and I are going
to adopt them ourselves.
It's arranged with
the immigration people.
They'll be out in the morning
for the formalities.
- Emmy knows about this?
- She'll be very happy when I tell her.
They'll make a wonderful wedding
present for you to give her.
After all, she and I can do
many things for them you can't.
- Yeah, that's true.
- And they already call her "Mother"...
Makes everything real handy,
doesn't it?
- Well, you're OK.
- So are you.
- It's been fun, Mr. Garvey.
- Loads of fun.
- See you at the wedding.
- Yeah, sure.
You got any ideas?
Well, nothing that I can't be
hanged for.
God bless Pete. God bless Mother.
God bless America.
God bless everybody.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night, son.
- You got troubles, Pete?
Troubles? Me?
- Comme oi comme a..
- I shoot them!
No. Well, not tonight.
Shoot them in the morning, huh?
Upsy-daisy we go.
- Bonne nuit, Papa.
- Bonne nuit, Suzi.
No, chant "Bonne Nuit".
Sing, tonight?
Oh, I don't feel like singing, Suzi.
- Not tonight.
- Hey, Pete.
- What?
- We always leave them singing, right?
OK. Yeah, all right.
Bonne nuit
Bonne nuit
Just dream away
And soon we'll see
A bright new day
Be cheerful
In your sleepy-time prayer
The tearful
Never get anywhere
So don't despair
Bonne nuit
My love, dream of a land
Where stars above
Fall in your hand
And someday
We'll find this where and when
Bonne nuit
Bonne nuit
Till then
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Cinderella's wedding day.
The curtain's about to go up
on the culmination
of one of the most widely publicized
romances in a decade.
The stage is set,
the cast has been chosen.
The guest list reads like the Blue Book
and Who's Who rolled into one.
Practically all the state
and city officials are present,
and the judiciary is represented.
I see many prominent judges.
In fact, anyone who is anyone at all
is present at this function.
And now, we are waiting for the bride.
All right, bridesmaids, this is it.
This is it.
Remember everything I taught you.
Let me look at you, please, bride.
Wonderful. Wonderful.
Nothing must go wrong. Let me check
each and every one of you.
We could at least speak
on my wedding day.
- Why?
- We're gonna be relatives,
we could be friends.
If I were you, I wouldn't
use the word "friend".
I beg your pardon, but I'm covering
this wedding for the Express.
Do you have anything to say to your
waiting, panting public, Cinderella?
You may say that I am very happy.
"Emmadel Jones is very happy."
Anything else?
You may also say that George Degnan
is very happy.
You are, right?
I gave you back your star reporter.
- Are you kidding?
- Any news?
An all-points broadcast two hours ago.
The FBI is on it.
- Oh, the poor guy.
- Who's a poor guy?
- Will you wait for me now?
- I'll keep my motor running.
- What are you talking about?
- Places, everybody!
Here, come on, let's get
this Cinderella thing married.
- You can have her.
- I don't want her.
Here, George, wait for me too,
will you? I'll deliver her and scram.
- Any news, Winnie?
- The FBl's after him.
Oh, poor Pete. Poor kids too.
Pa, what's happening?
Why is "poor Pete" poor Pete?
He kidnapped his kids.
The FBl's after him.
How could he kidnap his own children?
They weren't his,
unless he got married by today.
Suppose they catch him, Pa?
He goes to jail,
and the kids go back to France.
Did you know Pete's going to prison
and the children back to France?
Don't worry about the children.
We're going to adopt them.
I've made all the arrangements.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered together here
to join together this man
and this woman in holy matrimony.
If any man can show just cause
why they may not lawfully
be joined together,
let him now speak or else hereafter
forever hold his peace.
Now, all right, all right, Mr. Burchard,
you've made your pinch.
- Now, isn't that enough?
- I'm sorry, Mr. Garvey,
but Immigration told me to deliver
the children to Mr. Stanley.
But there's a lovely
wedding ceremony going on.
- Haven't you any decency?
- They've got him.
Where's Mother?
Mother, Pete's got troubles!
- Les gendarmes!
- Back. Get back here.
Wilbur, I mustn't let the children
see me marrying another man.
Another man? Me?
Well, Pete's their father, not you.
And they think I'm their mother and...
Well... Couldn't you just
send them away or something?
OK. I beg your pardon.
Would you mind waiting a moment?
I'll be right back.
Throw him out!
Mr. Garvey.
Mr. Stanley, Ralph Burchard
of the FBI.
I'm sorry about this.
It's not my idea at all.
He insisted on bringing me here
and dumping me in your front yard.
- I have to deliver these children...
- I'll accept delivery.
Go ahead. Go with your father.
Go along.
Go with your father. Go ahead.
Go with your father, go ahead.
He's your father, he is.
- He's not our father!
- Yes, he is.
- You're our father!
- He will be...
- Daddy, don't leave!
- No, please don't...
Please! Do you realize you're being
watched on television?
They won't come with me.
Oh... Well, Wilbur,
I don't want to take the children
away from Pete
and I don't want to have them
sent back.
I... Well...
Please, couldn't you do something?
Well, that's pretty clear.
OK, Emmadel,
there's only one thing to do.
- I'll tell Mr. Garvey you'll marry him.
- Marry Pete Garvey? Are you crazy?
Yes, darling, I am.
- Now, you wait right here.
- Oh, Wilbur...
Watch yourself, Emmy!
- Will you come with me?
- Where we going?
To have a wedding,
we need a groom.
- Why do you want me?
- All right with you?
- Well I don't know...
- Oh, no! No!
Oh, no, you don't!
You don't do that to me!
I never heard of such a thing.
Why, I'd rather go to prison
for the rest of my life.
Go on, think about yourself.
What about them? Shame on you.
You have to get a license, and there's
all the details that have to be taken...
- Who's marrying who?
- "Whom", my dear.
Yes, Wilbur, in a case
of extreme urgency, I can.
It's a matter of utmost urgency,
Your Honor.
This is Miss Jones, Mr. Garvey.
- Good morning, judge. How are you?
- How do you do?
I'm sorry, Reverend.
I've been asked to take over.
No, Emmy, don't do it!
Will you, Peter Garvey,
take this woman,
whom you are now holding
by your right hand...
Whom you are now
holding by your right hand,
to be your lawful wedded wife?
Do you promise to love,
honor and cherish her,
and, forsaking all others,
keep yourself for her alone
- as long as you both do live?
- I do.
Do you, Emmadel Jones,
take this man, whom you are
now holding by your right hand,
to be your lawful wedded husband?
Do you promise to love, honor
and keep yourself to him alone,
as long as you both do live?
I do.
Place the ring on her finger
and repeat after me.
- With this ring, I thee wed.
- With this ring, I thee wed.
Oh, well. Can't win.
Now, in the presence of God
and these witnesses,
and by virtue of authority vested
in me by the laws of this state,
I pronounce you man and wife.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks. You've been neighborly.
- I'm sorry, Emmy...
- I'm sorry, Wilbur.
Aw, phooey! Nobody's sorry.
Wow! Wow!
Can't you take those things off now,
Mr. Burchard?
If you say so, Mr. Stanley.
Come on, Mother.
Thank you, Bobby.
Emmy, Emmy. It'll be an awful life.
You'll have laughs, though.
Oh, thank heavens,
I can take this corset off!
Yeah, I told you someday you'd slip
on a banana peel.
Meet the banana peel.
Burchard of the FBI is actually a
fellow reporter of mine on the Express.
- Glad to know you.
- Danny, you were sensational.
- Wasn't he dynamite?
- That was a great performance.
- It's a pleasure to pay you.
- Pete, I love you, you're wonderful!
- Don't I get a byline?
- Well, we'll see about that.
You're amazing, Mr. Garvey.
On the floor for a count of nine
and still got up to win by a knockout.
You're pretty amazing yourself.
It's been fun.
Loads of fun, Mr. Garvey.
Take good care of the kissing cousin,
now, won't you?
Want to wrestle?
When the party's getting a glow on
And singing fills the air
- Now, if a wedding is nigh
- Bring your own FBI
- Emmy?
- You didn't think you were kidding me.
That's my Em.
- You can tell 'em I'll be there
- You can tell 'em we'll be there