Here Today (2021) Movie Script

Coming through! Excuse me!
Stop sign, left.
One, two, three,
four, five.
Mr. Burnz?
Are you Charlie Burnz?
Charlie Burnz,
I'm talking to you.
Mr. Burnz, Charlie Burnz.
Sweep up a little bit.
Make sure all the props
are in the right spot.
- Hey, Marge?
- Hey, Charlie.
Where is everybody?
Charlie, it's Monday.
They're at the writers' meeting.
- Oh, of course... Wow.
- I had a long weekend.
- Okay. All right.
- Take it easy.
- See you later.
Better hurry.
They're pitching new sketches!
Yeah, we made sure
to take a lot of care
not to offend anybody
with this next sketch,
so please strap in
and, uh, you know, enjoy.
Okay, so this is...
This is an infomercial
for a brand-new comedy album.
Uh, we start with shots
of planets and stars,
just these
beautiful shots of space.
And then, we hear a VO,
and we see a chyron.
In the tradition of George
Carlin and Richard Pryor,
we bring you
the next comedy voice.
And we cut to a photograph
of Stephen Hawking.
But we photoshopped him
in front of a brick wall.
So he looks like
he's at a comedy club.
We have a microphone
where his computer is.
Is it just me, but what's the deal
with black holes?
- Am I right? Ha. Ha. Ha.
You people like impressions?
So how do you think
the meeting went?
Some very funny ideas.
But, Brad, somebody's
got to talk to Roger
about his inflections.
I know, I know.
I think he gets nervous.
No, come on.
Geo-rge Carlin,
Rich-ard Pryor.
My God, Stephen Hawking
pronounced his name
better than he does.
Here's one for the new segment.
Or as Roger calls it,
the new "seg-ment."
All right,
I'll give this to the guys.
There's a new invention
called computers.
You may wanna get one.
You know, I had one,
but I like this.
We started out together.
I love the feel of the paper.
I like the fact
that the key leaves a mark
- that wasn't there a second ago.
- Wow.
But I did treat myself
to one of these.
Ooh, look at you.
You know how to work it?
Absolutely, unless I wanna send an e-mail,
a text or make a phone call.
- Oh, that's not important.
- Not at all.
- Wanna get something to eat?
- Uh, I have a lunch date.
Oh, look at you, Mr. Social.
No, it's someone who won an auction
to have lunch with me at the charity event
- for inner-city libraries.
- That sounds like a blast.
This restaurant nice. Excuse me.
Oh, no. Heh.
Sorry. Bye.
Maybe you, sir. Hello. Uh...
Oh, Phil Donahue.
Nice to meet you.
- [MAN] The hell was that about?
- [EMMA] Sir, uh, hi. Uh...
Oh, no, sorry, sorry
to bother you. Wrong person.
Excuse me. Bye-bye.
Excuse me. Are you,
by any chance, looking for me?
I'm Charlie Burnz.
- You gotta be shitting me.
- What?
This was you?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You took some hits
along the way, huh?
Yeah, you might say that,
but that's a very old picture.
That was actually taken
on the Mayflower.
I did win
the shuffleboard tournament.
Well, belated congratulations.
- I'm Emma Payge.
- Emma, pleasure. Sit down.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Don't worry about it.
Not a problem.
Glad you're here.
Thank you for bidding
on me at the auction.
I'm so flattered
that somebody your age
would be a fan of my work.
- Truth?
- Sure.
I don't know
who the hell you are.
My ex bid on you.
- You didn't?
- Nope.
- How did this...
- Well, he's an actor,
and he was doing a scene from
one of your plays in his acting class,
and he wanted to meet you,
so he bid.
- Um, how much?
- Twenty-two.
- $2200? That's fantastic.
- $2200, my ass!
Twenty-two dollars.
Twenty-two dollars
was the winning bid?
Mmm-hmm. It started at 20,
and then it went up
in 50-cent increments.
Oh, that's so sad. Heh.
Hello. Welcome to Le Monde.
I'll be your server.
What can I get for you?
- Have you eaten here before?
- No.
They have the greatest steak sandwich.
That's all I get. It's fantastic.
That's perfect.
I'll have the seafood salad.
- Okay. And for you, sir?
- Um, I'm gonna have the...
Oh, can I have extra clams,
extra calamari
and extra crab meat?
- Of course. And for you, sir?
- I'm gonna have the...
Oh, and can I have
a lobster tail right on top,
with extra mussels?
Lots of mussels.
The ones from New Zealand, not from Jersey
because they got black hairs.
Who knows what's in those?
- That can be really toxic.
- Are you done?
There are a few species
you haven't mentioned yet.
Heh-heh, go ahead.
- I'm gonna have the...
- Oh, can I have a Diet Coke?
And for you, sir?
I'm gonna have a tuna sandwich,
whole wheat toast,
- and an iced tea.
- Very good.
Why would you order
a tuna sandwich when you said
they had
the best steak sandwiches?
While you were ordering half
of the Atlantic Ocean,
I developed a hankering for
the only fish left on the menu.
Heh. Touche, old man. Touche.
- So let me ask you a question.
If you don't know who I am,
how come your ex didn't come?
- I caught him cheating on me.
- Oh!
And he said it was because
I'm the worst lay in the world.
And trust me, he is wrong, okay?
You ought to see my moves.
It's "Circus do Lay."
Okay. Well, let's, uh...
Let's get through lunch first.
Mmm-hmm. I'd break
your back, old man.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, have you laid out, dead,
- with a smile on your face.
And your kids will be like, "How
did he die? How did my dad die?"
And I would just look at them
in their eyes and say, heh,
- on top of me.
That's a really lovely thought.
Heh-heh, you funny, old man.
I'm glad I came, even if it was
to shove you
up my ex's big fat ass.
Now, there's a compliment
you don't hear every day.
Whoa, look what the tide brought in.
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
- [SERVER] Please enjoy.
- Uh, Emma, enjoy your buffet.
- Mmm-hmm.
- So... I take it you like comedy.
- You don't?
- Mmm-mmm.
I mean, I love to laugh,
but in real life.
You know what I'm saying?
Well, you know,
that's what I do in real life.
I'm a comedy writer.
You ever watch This Just In
- on Sunday nights on Funny?
- Mmm-mmm.
I also, uh, write for Broadway
and, um, movies
and five books and...
And, um, what do you do?
Char... Charlie,
I don't feel so good.
Why is your face suddenly
bigger than it was before?
I can't feel...
I can't feel my lips.
Oh, God, are you
allergic to seafood?
I'll say maybe I am.
- What should I do?
- Call the hospital.
- What? What?
- Call the hospital! Call...
- Call the... The hospital!
Dial the nearest hospital!
Dial the nearest hospital!
[SIRI] I do not know.
Let me check the Web.
- Dial the nearest hospital!
- Is everything all right?
Aah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Okay, what did you do?
- I didn't do anything!
- These are Jersey mussels!
- What?
- I knew they were Jersey mussels!
- Jersey? No! I'm from Jersey.
- I need emergency. Emergency.
This is an emergency!
Everybody, calm down.
Everybody, relax.
- We should call the ambulance.
- Siri! What is wrong with you?
Ma'am, have you had an allergic
reaction to seafood before?
- Mmm-mmm.
- You just randomly ordered,
- and this is what happened?
- I had a hankering.
Okay, just try to relax.
We're almost there.
You're gonna be okay.
Charlie? Charlie.
You're all I've got, Charlie!
Please don't leave me!
Oh, boy.
Mr. Burnz?
Oh, I'm not supposed
to fill these out.
What's your relation
to Miss Payge?
She won me in an auction.
Fine, don't believe me.
She doesn't have insurance,
and she really shouldn't be
leaving here by herself.
No insurance?
Eleven hundred dollars?
Yes. And you'll get
the ambulance bill in the mail.
You can pay me on the way out.
Your daughter is going
to be fine.
My d...
Great. Isn't that great?
She told me all about
how you adopted her
from that orphanage in Kenya.
- That's very special.
- Oh, she told you?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well...
Ha-ha, well, uh, she is special.
Well, this is
a pretty severe reaction.
Are there other allergies
I should know about?
I think really you should
talk to her about that,
or I can put you in touch with
one of the elders of her tribe.
You could ask for Mbolo.
It's good that you reacted
as quickly as you did.
A little longer, may have
been a different story.
Here are her prescriptions.
Pharmacy is that way.
Six hundred dollars?
So a tuna sandwich
cost me close to two grand.
- Welcome to New York, pal.
- What's this?
That's epinephrine. You need
to inject her within the hour.
- And if I don't?
- She'll die.
"Remove blue safety release
by pulling up, straight up."
- Okay.
- What's taking so long?
I'm having trouble reading the
directions without my glasses.
And honestly,
I'm a little nervous about it.
- Okay.
- Oh, no.
Hell, no. Put that thing down.
Ain't no way in hell
I'm gonna let you stab me
with that Lego stick while
your hand shaking like that.
You might put out
one of my eyes.
They said I have to do it
within the hour
or you'll be in trouble.
We'll just wait an hour.
If I'm not dead,
you can go home.
Fine. Enjoy your bloating.
All right. Stick me, old man.
Ow! God...
Motherf... Ow!
Son of a...
- Okay.
Show time's over.
Make me some tea, maybe it'll
help with the bloating...
"Only hold in
for a few seconds." Ah.
"Slippery when wet"?
- You looked?
- I had to. I really...
I had to. That's not
something you wanna do
with your eyes closed.
Believe me.
It could have ended up someplace
- we both wouldn't be happy about.
Thank you. I promise
I will pay you back
every dime that you laid out.
You don't have to do that.
How are you feeling?
Like you shot me up with
five six-hour energy drinks.
So I've got about a good
30 hours of energy! I'm lit!
- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
Why did you tell the doctor
I was your father?
Heh, I thought it would be cool
to have a white dad.
Oh, and the orphanage story?
I was a little loopy by then.
I'm sure that was
the mussels talking.
Yup, those mussels
were definitely talking.
Yeah, must have been.
Well, listen,
try to get some rest.
Um, do you need anything else?
I have 20 bucks left.
I'll be fine.
Look, I wanna apologize to you
for saying all that stuff
about my ex.
I should have never done that.
You are a good man,
and that was not fair to you.
- Hey, I understand. This way out?
- Yep, that way.
- Perky.
- Yeah.
- [CHARLIE] Good try.
Ah! All right, that's...
It's all right. It's a base hit.
Sorry, Rex. That's a match.
I don't know
why you play against me.
- It's good aerobics.
- Yeah, for me.
- I'm running around like crazy.
I'm gasping for air. You just...
You just stand at the net.
Somehow it's six-love, six-love.
- Six-love?
- Six...
- You get perverse pleasure
- beating your only son like this?
- Yeah, a lot.
Listen, Dad, uh...
Francine wants to know
if you are coming
to Lindsay's bat mitzvah.
My daughter wants to know
if I'm coming to my
granddaughter's bat mitzvah?
- Why wouldn't I?
- She says you never RSVP'd.
Why didn't she just call
instead of asking you to ask me?
Don't be upset.
You know how she gets.
It'll be a fun day.
We'll be together.
I don't want Lindsay to think
I wasn't gonna come.
Who knows
what your sister says to her?
Just give her a call.
This was fun.
I'll see you next week?
- When I lose to you, again.
I gotta go.
I have a 3:00.
I'm a little nervous.
I'm submitting my design for
a new building in Union Square.
Well, it could be
a big thing for me.
I RSVP'd. I know I RSVP'd.
Dad, don't worry about that.
And wish me luck.
About what?
For my building, for the design.
Oh, oh, oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I'll see you.
I'm gonna call her right now.
Daddy! Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy!
I did something wrong, Daddy!
I'm scared! Daddy!
Oh, hi. This is...
Craziest thing. I...
I forgot what locker
I was using.
Heh-heh, that's okay.
I have a master. Uh...
- Let's start with this row.
- Okay, good.
That's perfect.
You're gonna crush this.
- Give me a high-five.
I'm proud of you.
You're doing so beautifully.
Yeah. I'm just getting a little
nervous about my speech.
- Have you started writing it yet?
- Yeah.
- Mmm...
It's your grandfather.
- Hi, Papa Charlie.
- Hey, Lindsay, honey.
How's my favorite
bat mitzvah girl?
Good. Heh-heh.
Ask him if he's coming.
What do you mean?
Grandpa's not coming?
- Are you coming?
- That's why I'm calling.
Of course I'm coming.
I wouldn't miss that for the world.
Great. I'm so happy.
Hey, when you're happy,
I'm happy.
Um, can I speak to your mom?
Tell him I can't talk to him right now.
Uh... She said
she'll call you back.
Yeah. Okay.
I can't wait to see you.
I can't wait to see you too.
So tell me.
You got a pretty dress?
You're gonna have to see
when you come.
Can you help me with my speech?
Yeah, of course.
We'll punch it up real good.
- Yeah.
- Okay, kid.
See you soon.
I had a bad day.
Thanks for seeing me so late.
I really appreciate it.
I, uh... I couldn't remember
where my locker was
in my health club.
I've been going there for years.
It was so damn embarrassing.
That should be expected.
Don't panic. Are you doing
what we talked about?
Yeah. I try
not to vary my routine.
I walk the same way
to work every day. I eat right.
I'm getting some exercise.
And, uh, I'm taking my meds.
And by the way, that Namenda.
Oh, man, it's so constipating.
- It...
- Sorry about that.
Sorry? I was backed up
for eight days.
I felt like a python
that had swallowed a deer.
Charlie, you have medicines
to help with that, and you can
always give yourself an enema.
I'm saving that for my birthday.
A little something special
just for me.
- How are you sleeping?
Why sleep when you can
stay up and terrorize yourself?
Maybe I get four hours,
but maybe.
And what about those flashbacks?
That's the craziest thing.
I can forget what I had for
lunch while I'm having lunch.
But then, something...
flies into my head, like, bam!
It could be a moment,
a fragment, a sentence.
And it's like I'm there.
Like I can see it
like I saw it way back then.
It doesn't...
It's almost like I can
smell things. And then, black.
It just goes black,
and it goes as fast as it came.
It's the craziest thing.
- How's the writing going?
- I think it helps.
Um, it keeps my mind active, and
it helps strengthen my denial.
You know what, this show,
it's all of these young kids.
I'm like
the old man on the block
whose yard you don't
wanna hit the ball into.
But I still
get stuff on the air.
I still help shape the show,
and when one of my jokes hits
right, and the audience laughs,
there's still nothing like it.
And I still love it.
Good. I think you're doing well.
We're keeping this at bay,
but it's so damn unpredictable.
Don't let your denial
overrule your sense of reason.
There's a lot
we still don't know
about this kind of dementia.
- See you next month.
- Okay.
- Unless you need me sooner.
- Okay.
Thanks, my friend.
Oh, by the way, I thought the
show last week was pretty good.
Was it? Who was on?
Um, you know, the guy,
The... From the film.
He's married to... Oh!
- The one with the hair.
Would you like some of my meds?
You just gonna push the lady down, huh?
You just gonna
run over somebody!
You son of a bitch!
Come back here
and try that again,
you spineless bastard!
Hey, hey, hey.
What happened?
I was going up the right,
when I got into a head-on
collision with a dumbass
who was coming down
on the right side,
but really that's his left side.
And it's all his fault
because this isn't England!
How did you know where I live?
- Oh, Google.
- Google?
- Here.
- What's this?
The first installment
of the money I owe you.
You're a pole dancer?
God, no. And this
coming from a man
that makes America laugh
for a living.
My knee! My fucking knees!
Listen, listen, come upstairs.
I'll clean you up a little bit,
and then we can
rinse out your mouth.
Come on.
Ooh, okay, okay.
Man, this dude is doing it.
This is nice.
Ooh! Mmm, he know a lot
of old white people.
Oprah Winfrey? Hmm!
"For Carrie"?
- Hmm.
- Okay, here we go.
According to this wall,
not only are you ancient,
- but you're also famous.
Sit here.
You a serial killer?
What do you mean?
Well, isn't that
what serial killers do?
Collect pictures
of everyone they butchered
and buried in their backyard?
Other knee.
- Who are they?
- Who?
Oh, that's my family.
If they're family, why do you
have their names written down?
I'm writing
something about them,
and it helps me stay focused.
That's all.
How did you become a writer?
I don't think you become one.
I think you just are.
When I was a kid,
I thought it was fun
to take the truth
and make it more interesting.
So you're a liar?
Nah, I'm just kidding.
- That's beautiful.
- Yeah.
Well, you're as good as new.
What was here?
Oh, there was just
some picture that fell.
Housekeeper put it someplace,
I don't know.
Listen, I gotta
get back to work.
You gotta get back
to making up shit
because your real life
is boring?
Something like that, yeah.
Thanks for bringing me
the bag of laundered money.
The Corleones
will be very pleased.
Um... But you really
didn't have to do that.
That's where you're wrong,
old man. I did. Mwah!
Next is Sarah and Roger,
Paula and Gary wrote this.
A cheesy ad for a law firm.
Hello, I'm Jerry Loomis.
And I'm Lorraine Loomis.
When we got married,
the rules of dating
were much less confusing
than they are today.
- And that's where we come in.
- We're the Sex Refs.
We go on your dates with you.
Maintaining a safe distance.
- So if there's any hanky...
- Or panky.
We're there to help clarify what
both parties' intentions are.
So there's no misunderstandings
that could lead
to accusations and lawsuits.
We deal with the
he said-she said aspects
- of miscommunication.
- For example,
you're in a parked car
and she says,
"Would you like to kiss me?"
But he said she said,
"Honey, can you please
stick your thumb up my ass?"
Very different, isn't it?
We think so.
Or if you're at the top
of the Ferris wheel,
and he says,
"I really don't like heights."
But she says he said,
"Wanna see a picture
of my Rottweiler's balls?"
Now you see why you need us?
We'll be there to protect you
from vicious accusations,
subpoenas and defamation suits.
- [WHISPERS] Sub-poena?
- Remember we're on your side.
No matter what side that is.
- [ROGER] We're Loomis.
- And Loomis.
And we'll see you in court...
That's good. That was good.
- Well, it's subtle.
So... Okay, good job.
Next sketch is from Darrell.
Thomas Crapper Jr.
We open on a 19th century
British schoolyard.
A group of 9-year-old children
are milling about
and trying to figure out
what they want to do
- now that school is let out.
- Wanna come over to my house?
No. Your house smells.
How about my house?
No. Your house smells too.
My house doesn't smell.
How come?
I'm Thomas Crapper Jr.
My father invented
the flush toilet.
Then let's go over to his house.
All right, all right.
All right, guys.
Very funny stuff.
Let's put together a show.
Sex Refs.
Ah. You guys wrote
a really funny sketch.
But, uh...
But what?
Sarah and Roger were hilarious.
- [GARY] Correct.
- I don't know. I don't know.
- Charlie, what do you think?
- Very funny idea.
But a thumb up the ass,
Rottweiler's balls...
What are you talking about?
They got laughs.
Of course they will.
They always will.
But is it
the right kind of laugh?
Because it's a very smart idea.
Angry Librarians?
- So funny.
- You should do it.
I agree.
- Thomas Crapper Jr.
- Hell, no.
Yeah. You know,
Darrell's option's coming up,
and he still hasn't gotten
a sketch on the air.
It's not that bad.
First of all, if they spoke
in English accents,
the way they were supposed to,
it would've been
a little bit better,
but the whole thing's
not framed right.
Give him another shot.
He'll make it better.
Listen, we hired Darrell
because he wrote
those really funny essays
for the Lampoon.
I think it's a little hard
to make the leap
from print to live sketches.
It takes time.
You think he's a good writer?
Yeah. I think...
I think it's in there.
But I think
it needs to be encouraged.
Listen, you guys are
a very fast crowd to run with,
and I also think that
Inflection Mangler Roger
should be hit in the head
until he says "subpoena" right.
I mean, come on.
"Sub-poena," what is that?
A very small poena?
That's an inferior poena.
An underground poena?
I mean, what is his problem?
You know, but here's the thing.
There's a music to comedy.
There's a music.
There are notes to comedy.
- He's out of tune.
- We're working on it.
Keep working,
because it's driving me nuts.
- All right. What's next?
- Uh, I have to go.
- I'm sorry, I have my...
- Oh, oh!
- Excuse me.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
- Have a great time.
- Thanks.
- Oh. I wish I could go.
- Hey. You got a job. Ha-ha!
- Yeah. All right.
- [CHARLIE] Good night.
- Good night.
Good night.
They're, um...
They're honoring Charlie
and the whole cast
at the American Film Society
for the 30th anniversary
of Call Me Anytime.
Kevin Kline, Sharon Stone,
Barry Levinson directing.
Oh. Such a funny movie.
Have you seen it?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah. It's great.
All right. What's up?
Look, you know I love Charlie.
I know he gave you
your start and everything.
But... come on.
Yeah, I just don't know what
he brings to the show anymore.
Aside from 40 years' experience?
And a body of work
that includes shows
that made it possible
for this show to exist?
Look, I know
how you can question
Charlie's value.
But he's really smart
and he still writes funny jokes.
And he's my consigliere.
So when you write sketches
with a thumb up someone's ass,
or a Rottweiler's balls,
he's the one who reminds me what
we should be putting on the air.
Bottom line, as long as
I am producing this show,
Charlie will be here.
- Okay?
- You got it.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Let's get back to work.
- Yeah.
Come on, come on.
Close the door, close the door.
Turn off the lights.
Come here.
I can't do this anymore.
- Why?
- Oh!
You're married, I'm married.
I don't want anyone to get hurt.
Well, neither do I.
Mmm, I just don't know
what to do.
But wait, wait, wait.
Let's make a plan.
Every year, we will meet
here in the Tuckmans' bathroom,
at their Halloween party.
What about the Tuckmans'
Christmas party?
No, we've got to be strong.
Hi, how are you?
Thank you all for being here.
Good evening, I'm Bob Costas.
Please welcome
the director of Call Me Anytime,
Barry Levinson.
Its writer, Charlie Burnz,
and its stars,
Kevin Kline and Sharon Stone.
I have to say,
right off the top.
I really love this film.
In fact, I'm bypassing
a Mets-Astros game tonight
just to be here,
to do this instead.
All right,
so, what's the germ of all this?
How did it all get started?
Well, um, Charlie and I
originally met
on The Carol Burnett Show
ages ago.
And, uh, he wrote
a lot of very funny sketches.
Shy guy, uh,
always called me Mr. Levinson.
- Even though we were friendly.
All right,
so, what happened was, um,
I read Charlie's script
and, uh, I thought,
"Well, this is
a perfect film to do."
So the next day, I get a call
from Barry, and he says,
"I just read this script,
it's terrific.
You gotta read it.
The character, she's you."
And I said,
"She's completely compulsive,
she'll do anything. I'm in."
And then the next day,
he called me.
I read the script
and then I was in.
Literally three days later,
we got a go.
And I called Charlie
with the good news.
And so, Charlie, you get
the call, what did Barry say?
- Who?
- Heh, Mr. Levinson.
Oh, heh.
It's so nice to see you.
Nice to... Wow.
It's great to meet you.
Well, I was...
I was just thrilled
and shocked that, um...
Mr. Levinson.
Wanted to direct my first...
- This was my first screenplay.
- Yes.
And that Kevin Kline was gonna
play Ben, and that... Help me.
- Meryl Streep.
- Hello.
Heh, was, uh, gonna play Iris.
And I kept thinking,
if my parents were alive,
this good news
would've killed them.
Charlie's work is...
It's not just comedic,
there's a humanity to it.
And I think it shows
people as real people.
He's an exceptional writer.
Hey, old man.
You were great up there.
Hey. You were inside?
Yeah. And I loved it.
Second installment.
It's a little light, boss.
Please don't break my thumbs.
Well, this is a...
This is a lovely surprise.
- How'd you know about this?
- My loser ex.
I used his ticket.
You made me laugh a lot.
I'm really sorry.
No, I liked seeing you
up there. It was so cool.
And you've done
a lot of big things.
- I got lucky.
- Being good
ain't got
nothing to do with luck.
I guess.
Why do you have birds
in your hair?
Why not?
Oh, shit, what time is it?
Damn! I'm gonna
be late for work.
- I gotta go. Come with me.
- Work?
- Yeah. Come on.
- Now?
- Yeah.
- What do you do?
Up in Harlem
At a table for two
There were four of us
Me, your big feet and you
From your ankles up
I say you sure look sweet
But from there down
There's just too much feet!
Yeah, your feet too big
I don't want ya
'Cause your feet's too big
I can't use ya
'Cause your feet's too big
I really hate ya
'Cause your feet's too big
Your feet's too big!
Where d'ya get 'em?
Where d'ya get 'em?
Your girl, she likes ya
She thinks you're nice
Got what it takes
To go to paradise
She likes your face
Said she likes your rig
But, man, oh, man
Those things are too big
Your feet's too big
I don't want ya
'Cause your feet's too big
I'm mad at ya
'Cause your feet's too big
I hate ya
'Cause your feet's too big
Yeah, I come from
a pretty small family. Uh...
My mom and dad were singers.
Uh, Mo and Jessie.
They were kind of like
Ashford and Simpson.
But they never made it big
because there was already
an Ashford and Simpson.
We used to have a lot of fun.
They taught me how to harmonize,
and my dad made these
really cool weathervanes.
And my mom, she had
these beautiful dreamcatchers
that she makes.
They live
just outside of Charlotte.
I love them both to pieces.
Oh, they sound great.
I love the way the air smells
after it rains. Hmm.
Listen, if you ever need my help
with what you're going through
right now,
even if you need someone
to talk to, I'm here.
Well, thank you very much.
But what are you talking about?
You forgot Sharon Stone
and Barry Levinson's names?
Oh, that.
I get a little tongue-tied.
- I don't like being on-stage.
- And what stage were you on
when you wrote your family's
names under their pictures?
I told you, that's how I work.
It's a project
that I'm working on, and...
Look, I know what you told me,
but don't bullshit me, old man.
It started innocently enough.
I'd have trouble
remembering things.
A name, a place, a fork.
And I'd think,
"You're getting older, Charlie.
You know,
you're having senior moments."
But one day,
I'm having lunch with this guy,
and I can't remember his name.
He's going on and on and on.
I'm thinking,
"Who the hell is this?"
Then he cracks himself up
and he starts laughing.
So I faked laughing.
Just to go along with him.
And while I'm laughing,
I'm panicking.
"Who the hell is this?"
Did you know him?
He was my son.
Yeah. It's happening.
Jesus, old man. I'm sorry.
Who's Carrie?
I saw that on the title page
at your house.
Carrie was my wife.
She died.
A long time ago.
And I'm writing
something for her.
And I have to finish
before my words run out.
When did you start
working on it?
About an hour
after I was diagnosed.
And how's it going so far?
It's going really well.
My mama would call that
a crock of lukewarm horseshit.
Don't lie to me, old man.
I know you haven't started
writing one single word.
- Let me see your phone.
- My phone?
- Your phone.
- Okay.
This is my name,
this is my number, okay?
Now, even if you don't
wanna contact me,
I just want you to know
that I'm not some
allergic-to-shellfish nut
that's half your age plus four,
that wants to help you
because you helped me.
You don't
stop for commas, do you?
Life's too short for commas.
Darrell, um, this is better.
Try this as a tag.
Let's do it in the dress
rehearsal. What do you think?
Yeah. Yeah, that's great.
- Are we good?
- Yeah. Thanks.
- Good. Alrighty.
- All right.
Want to come to my house and play?
No, your house smells.
Come to my house and play.
No, your house smells too.
My house doesn't smell.
We can play there.
Oh, he's Thomas Crapper's son.
His father invented
the flushing toilet.
That's a lot of crap.
- Not anymore.
Let's go to his house!
Ah, yes. Thomas Crapper,
the, uh, father
of the modern toilet.
I'm Jeff Goldblum.
- Uh... Oh, heh-heh-heh.
This has been
a little-known moment
in indoor plumbing history.
Change your toilet.
Change the world.
Commercial break! Two minutes.
- Not bad.
- Great fix, Darrell.
Yeah, the Goldblum thing
was funny.
- Thanks.
- I think we'll slot it
after the third commercial
break. Got one on the air.
All right, so...
Yeah. Yeah.
How did you meet Carrie?
Come on, old man.
How did you two meet?
Damn it, I hate this stuff.
Hey, you know what really does the trick?
- Did you just say butter?
- I'm telling you. Butter.
No, really. There's a lot of tar
on the beach this year.
What you do
is you take a stick of butter
and just keep rubbing it
into the tar
and somehow it breaks it down,
you can just wipe it away
and you don't have to use
that tomahawk of a shell,
which is probably taking off
all the epidermis
- on the bottom of your foot.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Charlie Burnz.
- Hello, Charlie Burnz.
- I'm Carrie.
- Carrie? Is that short
for Caren or Carina
or a Catherine or...
- Florence.
- Florence?
Don't ask.
Florence. Well, that's
a great old-fashioned name.
That's one of the names
of one of my relatives.
I could never imagine
my relatives as babies.
Herman, come away
from the water.
Irving, don't put that
puppy in your mouth.
Ooh, Mildred just pooped
in the toilet.
A big hand for Mildred.
- You don't hear those names.
That's true.
Listen, I live in
that white house,
like, right over there,
and I happen to have
like half a ton of butter.
So if you...
Yeah, I won a dairy contest.
You had to guess
how much the cow weighed.
- And, uh, I can de-tar you.
And I mean that
in a very respectful way.
Wow, is that a paint-by-number?
Oh, it's you again.
Hello, Charlie Burnz.
Hey, Carrie. It's really good.
- Yeah? You like it?
- Yeah.
- You know what else I like?
- What?
- Steamed clams.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- I've never had steamed clams.
Okay, my house, 7:00 p.m.
Here we go. Okay, take the clam.
Spread it apart.
Rinse him in the broth.
And then to the butter.
And then to your mouth.
It's a little bit of heaven.
Isn't it great?
Oh. Oh, God.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Oh, God, that's disgusting.
- Please don't sue.
Oh, man.
- Pizza?
- I'll call Gino's.
I just got this rug.
This is like tracking Bigfoot.
Hey. Carrie.
Good morning.
Good morning, Charlie Burnz.
Here. A little something
for breakfast.
It's a beautiful day.
- Ha-ha! Oh, God.
De-tar me.
But it seems a shame to waste
the butter on my foot.
- Oh!
- Come here.
Well, hello, old friend.
And you can't tell
The depth of a well
By the length
Of the handle on the pump
Baby, how can you
Tell about me?
Now, you can't tell
A bottle by the label
- That's how it is with me
Some folks call me a ladle
Give me a chance
And you'll see, yow!
You can't tell
The depth of a well
By the length of the handle
On the pump
Thank you, boo.
Baby, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby
How can you tell about me?
All right, now,
- make sure you make a donation.
Thank you,
we'll see you in a few months.
We're going on tour.
A tour. Four months, 50 cities.
Theaters, clubs.
And we got a tour bus.
- Can you believe it?
- Man, it's awesome.
- I'm in, all the way.
- Awesome.
All right, guys,
I'll see you later.
- See you.
- That's cool.
You sounded great.
- What are you doing here?
- Em, I'm sorry.
I messed up. Please.
It's too late. I've moved on.
I met someone and we're in love.
What? Already?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bullshit.
- He's over there. Wanna meet him?
- Okay.
Come on, you'll see
if it's bullshit or not.
Let's see your bullshit.
- Hey.
- Hey, old man.
Hi. Hey, you were great.
I mean, that was just terrific.
- [EMMA] Thank you.
- What is going on here?
Oh. Charlie, this is my
ex-boyfriend, Dwayne St. John.
Oh, I hear you're a fan.
Thank you.
- This is your boyfriend?
- No, he's my bae.
- You used my auction thing!
- Oh, yeah, all $22 of it.
And thank you. It's the first
day of the rest of my life.
Ain't that right?
Yeah. Heh-heh.
- I love everything you do.
- And now he's doing me. Ha!
Ain't that right, Charlie?
- You got that right... baby.
- Mmm-hmm.
- We are late for lunch.
- Uh-huh.
And I would love
a seafood salad right now.
- Okay.
- This is so crazy.
I'm... In acting class, I was
doing the scene from your play...
Do you wanna
just take a picture?
- Could I? Okay with you, sir?
- Sure.
- Man, this is amazing.
- I'll take it.
I know the password already.
All right, get closer.
Okay, now, smile.
Put your hands up in the air.
Yeah, like you won something.
- Aah! Ha-ha!
- Mmm-hmm.
There you go. Okay.
Charlie, come over here.
Is this good enough?
Now you'll always remember
what me and your idol
look like together.
- You okay?
- I will be.
- I want some ice cream.
- Okay.
And a triple vegan delight.
Wow, that looks like
the Olympic torch.
Hey, I gotta change the name.
So when would you leave?
In like a month or so.
It's crazy how things happened.
This record producer
saw our videos and...
he was digging us,
next thing you know, bam!
We going on tour
for four months, on a tour bus,
and we're already talking
about doing an album, it's...
Charlie, I'm sorry.
I'm doing all the talking.
You said
something good happened?
- I wrote last night.
- You did? That's awesome.
It was fantastic.
Just like the old days.
Itzhak Perlman starting playing,
and I started writing.
Izzy Perlman?
Who's Izzy Perlman?
Not Izzy Perlman.
Izzy Pearlman
sold my parents Venetian blinds.
Itzhak Perlman is
one of the greatest violinists
in the world.
Ask your phone who he is!
He lives
in the building behind me
and he likes
to practice at night.
I just open my window and it's
like a free Itzhak festival.
It's one of the reasons
Carrie and I bought the place.
What was that for?
I don't think
I would've written anything
if you didn't get me started.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
Hey, um...
Are you doing
anything right now?
- No.
- It's my day off.
Wanna have some laughs?
- Hell, yeah.
- Come on.
- [EMMA] Wax museum?
- [CHARLIE] Trust me, it's fun.
Don't tell me there's one of you here.
- [CHARLIE] Come on.
- [EMMA] Heh, okay.
This is Marilyn Monroe
from The Seven Year Itch.
Mmm. I'd be itchy too
if I had hot subway air
blowing up my ass.
Is that who I think it is?
- [EMMA] Hello, Dalai.
Come on, queen.
Smile, girl. Smile.
What could he possibly be thinking?
"Shouldn't have had
the seafood salad."
- [CHARLIE] Picasso.
- [EMMA] I don't dig him.
- [CHARLIE] Why?
- Sexist.
If I did a painting of you
with three willies,
would you be happy?
- [CHARLIE] I'd be ecstatic.
The Theory of Relativity
is never lend
your relatives money.
You can kiss
that ten bucks goodbye.
Golda, tell me again. I don't understand.
Okay, Mr. Arafat.
It's "Chanukah,"
not "Hanukkah."
I'm having trouble with the "hucch."
I'm having trouble
with the "hucch"!
Pope? Party of five?
I am not a crook.
Oh, bullshit, Dickie.
- Then why are you so sweaty?
Man, he is really cross-eyed.
That's why he didn't find
any weapons of mass destruction.
So you have two kids, right?
Yeah. Francine teaches math at
a middle school in New Jersey.
- Uh-huh.
- And my son Rex is an architect.
And, uh, Rex is a...
He's a pretty brilliant kid.
Well, he should be.
He was born
at the American Museum
of Natural History.
This was so nice. Thank you.
I wanna ask you a question.
And I'm a little nervous
about it,
because I don't remember the
last time I asked this, if ever.
Would like to be my date for
my granddaughter's bat mitzvah?
Her name is Lindsay
and she's the love of my life.
And it would be like
a goodbye party for you,
except it's a bat mitzvah
and not for you.
I've never been to a bat mitzvah
before. When is it?
- I don't remember, but it's soon.
- Way to narrow it down.
- I have the invitation...
- Doesn't matter when it is.
- I'd be happy to go.
- Yeah?
- But only on one condition.
- What's that?
- That we dance together.
- Oh, no, no, no.
You don't understand.
I'm a dangerous dancer,
one of the few
with mambo insurance.
Oh, come on, Charlie.
It'll be so much fun.
All right. But to be
on the safe side,
wear a helmet and shoulder pads.
- Done.
- Great.
What's the matter, Carrie?
I just don't want
the summer to be over.
maybe we just keep
our summer going forever.
Good idea, Charlie Burnz.
Stop sign... Left.
Whoa, sorry, pal.
You can't go this way. Not safe.
- This is the way I go.
- Sir, go this way. Not safe here.
- I don't know that way.
- You gotta go that way.
I don't know that way,
this is the way I go every day.
It's a new day. Cross the street
and you'll be fine.
- No! I have to go this way!
- Hey, pal, come on. Move!
What's the matter with you?
That's the way I go.
I go that way.
What, are you crazy? What are you doing?
- Get the hell out of the way!
You, old man!
Get the hell out of the way!
You're in
the middle of the road!
What, are you deaf?
Hey, old man! Am I crazy
or did you say
your son was born in a museum?
Look at the size of this thing, honey.
- [CARRIE] Charlie...
- This is the only thing here
that's bigger than you.
Look at that wishbone!
- [CARRIE] Charlie.
- What?
- I think my water just broke.
- What?
- We gotta get you out of here.
We gotta get you out of here.
- I'm not gonna make it. Oh!
- Honey... I need a doctor!
- I need a doctor!
- What's the problem?
- My wife's having a baby.
- When?
- Now!
- I'm gonna ask the supervisor
- if that's okay.
- Are you kidding me?
- I am a doctor.
- What kind?
- Proctologist. Okay.
- Close enough.
Oh, God.
Oh, this baby's coming fast.
Can you do it somewhere else?
A tour group's coming through.
Really? I have
a baby coming through!
Take a deep breath. Relax.
Call an ambulance now.
- Copy that.
- [DOCTOR] Hi.
You should know my name.
It's Carrie.
- Hi. Hello.
- And that man
who looks so scared is Charlie!
- Hi, Charlie.
- He's the daddy.
- [DOCTOR] Good.
- What's your name?
I'm Joe Katz. Okay?
Take a breath.
Relax. You're doing just great.
Now, listen. I'll need
to remove your underwear.
Oh, that's a bit aggressive
for our first date,
don't you think?
- There we go.
- What should I do next?
- [CHARLIE] Nothing!
Sure? They gave us
a class with the doll...
- [CHARLIE] Leave us alone!
- Okay. Sorry.
Charlie. This is like that time
at Rye Playland, remember?
At the top of the Ferris wheel?
We were so drunk!
- Are you okay?
Just trying to think.
Who took your panties off
at Rye Playland? I wasn't there.
- What?
- It was Coney Island!
Oh, you're right!
- Oh, God.
- Okay, lean forward slowly.
And you're gonna push
when I tell you.
Carrie, you're doing great.
Hey! What are you looking at?
- Ew!
- Get these scouts out of here!
Come on, guys. Let's go.
- Come on, boys.
- This is bullshit!
- [CHARLIE] You too!
- Copy that. And just a reminder,
- we close at 5:00.
- Get out of here!
- Okay. The baby's here.
The baby's here.
So a big, deep breath
and a big push, okay?
- You can do it. There you go.
- Okay.
Okay. Here you go. Here you go.
- Here you go.
- Oh!
It's a boy.
It's a boy. It's a boy.
Hey, Charlie.
Let's name him Rex.
That's the perfect name.
Heh, I'm really glad
we didn't have him
under that big whale.
Yeah. Because Moby Dick Burnz
would be
a terrible name for our son.
He'd have
so much trouble at school.
Oh, I love you, Charlie Burnz.
I love you too.
[CHARLIE] What do my baby boy
and a T-Rex have in common?
One is extinct,
the other just stinks!
All right, Roger.
We'll cue you in five, four...
Three, two, one...
Good evening.
And welcome to another episode
of Old People Who Have
Always Looked Old!
Tonight's subjects
are Keith Richards
and the late Mother Teresa.
- Oh, boy. Did you hear it?
- Yeah. I did.
- How does he get away with this?
- I don't know.
- All right, listen.
These sketch ideas are good,
but they don't always
have to be so big.
Sketches can be small,
more personal.
Something about yourself,
maybe about your
girlfriend or something.
- That would be a problem.
- Why is that?
I don't have one.
I'm incredibly single.
See? That's funny.
That I eat every meal alone?
- Oh, that's hilarious.
- Heh, no, no.
I'm talking about
a character for the show.
The incredibly single guy.
It's different
than being single.
It's incredibly single.
There might be
something funny in that.
- Right.
- Find out what's funny about you
- and then write about it.
- Okay. I'll try that.
- Okay.
- Can I tell you something?
When I was at Harvard,
I had a humor class
and I wrote a paper as you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I read all your plays,
I knew your movie scripts.
I could even tell
what jokes were yours
on whatever TV show
you were writing on.
So I wrote a paper
in your style.
Like you were at Harvard.
- Wow. And how did it do?
- Got an F.
The professor said
we already have
a great Charlie Burnz.
We don't have a great
Darrell Green yet. He was right.
Anyway, um, working with you
and knowing you
is really special to me.
Oh, thank you, Darrell.
Listen, while I go
get one of the crew
to vacuum out the smoke
you just blew up my ass,
take a whack at
the incredibly single guy,
- see if there's something funny.
- Deal.
- Good.
Oh, sorry.
Um... Hello? Hi.
Hi, yeah. No, I...
What to wear?
Oh, I don't...
Well, how vintage?
That's very vintage.
Yeah, heh-heh.
No, listen, uh... I'm at work,
so can I call you back?
Okay. Uh, bye.
I'm taking a date to
my granddaughter's bat mitzvah.
She's a... really fun person.
Never been to one before.
- Neither have I. Can I go too?
I think one surprise for my
family is all they can handle.
And believe me, this young
woman is full of surprises.
- She sounds cool.
- Yeah, she is.
She's, uh... She's very cool.
- What?
- Well...
you're blushing.
- Your face is a little red.
- Oh, that's...
- blood pressure. Yeah.
- Oh.
Shouldn't have had
the hot dog. Heh, it's...
- See you in a little bit.
- Bye.
Now that I'm a bat mitzvah girl,
um, I'd like to leave you
with this one story.
So I turned
to Rabbi Teplis and I said,
"I've been studying
for years and years,
and I ask you,
'What is the meaning of life?'
And you tell me
life is a cookie?"
And Rabbi Teplis
looked at me and said,
"You mean it isn't?"
So anyways, to my parents,
I love you so much.
You've given me
everything I have,
and I wouldn't
be here without you.
Thank you so much. I love you.
Mazel tov!
Let's get Lindsay
up in the chair!
One, two, three!
Look out. Here comes Mom!
- Up in the air, Francine.
Bend your knees, boys.
Here comes Papa Charlie!
Mazel tov!
- Come on. Sit down.
This is amazing!
That's it, God. I'm converting!
I'm Francine.
I'm Lindsay's mom.
Mmm. She is so special.
You must be so proud.
- Yeah.
- I'm Emma, by the way.
- Oh, hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yes, nice to meet you.
- These spare ribs are delicious!
- Oh, good.
- Mmm-hmm.
So how long
have you been dating my father?
What? No, no, no.
We're just friends.
- I'm sure.
- No. He's just really nice to me.
- Mmm-hmm.
- And I just love his writing.
Okay. So, um...
So, what do you do, Emma?
For a living, I mean.
- I'm a singer.
- Wow.
Anything I might
be familiar with?
But we got
a whole bunch of videos
that are blowing up
on Instagram right now.
- Cool.
- You should come check us out.
- We perform all over the city.
- Where?
- Uh... Mostly underground.
- Like clubs?
but more so subway stations.
Like, uh, Columbus Circle,
Union Square, Penn Station.
You gotta check us out.
You know what?
I'm gonna get me some more ribs
because I love meat.
Anything I could pet, I eat.
I have to tell you
how proud I am of you
that you wanted to have
this bat mitzvah.
And I wanna give you something.
This was your Grandma Carrie's.
And now it's yours.
Put your hair back.
See if I can...
Good. Oh, it looks perfect.
- It's really pretty.
- Yeah.
I'm giving you this...
because today
is the first big step...
with so many more to come.
And I'll be there for you
for all of that.
And I can't wait
to see who you're gonna become.
I love you.
I love you too.
Thank you, Papa.
Hey, Dad, by the way...
I got that job
I was telling you about.
What job?
The building in Union Square.
Yeah. Anyway,
they love my design.
Great. Isn't that great?
Good going, kid. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
That's great, huh?
You know, Rex is an architect.
I know. Anyone who's born in
a museum is bound to be smart.
- He told you about that?
Yeah, he's very proud of you.
- This is her first bat mitzvah.
- What do you think so far?
- It's okay so far.
- Just okay?
In the beginning,
it was really hot
with all the dancing
and the chairs up, but...
Ahem, all due respect
to your tribe,
but it's a little dull now.
Well, the reading.
It'll pick up again.
Well, why don't we do
something to help a little?
Where you going?
Dad. Dad!
Hey, hey, hey.
Do you have
the instrumental for...
Good evening, everybody.
Um, my name is Emma Payge.
I'm a very good friend
of Papa Charlie's. And, Lindsay,
could you please come on down
to the dance floor?
This is my first time
ever coming to a bat mitzvah.
And I have to say,
so far, I feel so welcome.
I'm having such a good time.
DJ, hit that beat.
And this one's for you, Lindsay.
If you know the words
to the song, sing along.
If you don't, I wanna see you
dancing your heart out.
Oh, come on
Come on, come on, come on
Didn't I make you feel
Like you were the only man?
Yeah, yeah
Didn't I nearly give you
A woman possibly can?
And each time I tell myself
That I think I've had enough
But what I'm gonna
Show you, baby
Is that a woman can be tough
Oh, come on
Come on, come on, come on
And take it!
Take another little piece
Of my heart now, baby
Oh, break it!
Break another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, darling
Oh, have a
Have another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby
[BOTH] You know you got it
If it makes you feel good
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Come here, baby. Mmm-hmm.
You're out there
On the streets
All looking good
And, baby, deep down
In your heart
You know that ain't right
Never, never, never, never
- Never hear me when I cry
- Oh! Oh, my hip!
But each time I tell myself
That I can't stand the pain
When you hold me in your arms
I'll sing it once again...
- No. Dad, she's...
- She's fantastic.
- She's fantastic.
- Come on, come on, come on
And take it!
Take another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby
Break another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, darling
Oh, have a
Have another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby
[ALL] You know you got it
If it makes you feel good
All right. I see you!
There you go.
Yeah. Look here.
I'mma need you to come on
- No. No, thank you.
- Come on, come on, come on
- And take it!
Take another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby
Break it!
Break another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, darling
[BOTH] Have another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby
You know you got it
- Oh.
If it makes you feel good
Francine is amazing!
Oh, mazel tov to all of you.
Mazel tov.
You rocked that shul.
I mean, it was like
Shabbos Night Live.
You made the whole party.
I think I had more fun
than your family did.
Why are they looking
at me like that?
Do they not know
what's going on here?
Actually, they don't.
Emma, listen.
You don't know everything.
I mean, there's
a lot of hard feelings.
About what?
Well, they both...
Well, Francine especially.
I wasn't around enough
when they were kids.
Which was probably true,
but I was working,
like, all the time.
Then after Carrie died, there
was a revolving door of nannies.
And when I was there...
I just had a lot of trouble
giving them what they needed.
I mean, I just was so sad.
And what do they have
against me?
Well, after she passed away...
I didn't wanna get involved with
anybody. You know, I couldn't.
So I dated
a lot of younger women.
So they probably looked at us
thinking there's something else
going on here.
I'm really sorry they upset you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Itzhak Perlman.
- That's him.
- Does he take requests?
- Itzhak Perlman is a genius.
- He doesn't take requests.
- You still owe me a dance.
I danced with you.
I danced the horah.
The horah doesn't count.
The horah's a dance.
You run around,
they lift you up,
and you sweat into your clothes.
- That's a dance.
- Mmm-mmm. Doesn't count.
Come on, Charlie. We're dancing.
- Come on.
- We're gonna go dance.
- Who dances to a violin concerto?
- We do.
What? Oh, there we go.
- Look out. Look out.
- [CHARLIE] Whoa!
Where have you been?
- When?
- The last eight hours or so.
- Here.
- And just so I know,
- where have I been?
- Here.
- With you?
- Yeah.
Oh, that's what I was afraid of.
Really? I thought
it was kind of nice.
Emma, I didn't want
for this to happen.
I don't know what you mean
when you say "this."
But if the "this" you're
referring to is that "this,"
it didn't happen.
I got afraid of
the thunder and lightning,
and I snuck in here
and spooned you.
That's it. We just spooned.
That's it?
- That's it.
- Okay.
Look, you're
an attractive older man,
but your little, frail body
would not be able
to handle all these groceries.
I'll break your back.
It's too heavy for you.
Can't ride this ride.
The ride is too bumpy.
You might dislocate
your shoulder, then you'd die.
Can't have that.
Anyways, thank you
for letting me sleep here.
Mwah! You're sweet, Charlie.
You might want to think about
getting some bigger boxers.
I'm not sure
they can handle your groceries.
They's just too little.
Three, two, one, now!
I first became incredibly single
when the fetus
of my twin brother
left the womb a month
ahead of me, because...
Well, he said he'd had enough.
This continued
when I was an infant,
when my mom refused
to breastfeed me.
She said, "Let's take things
slow and see where this goes."
And now I live
in this studio apartment,
where I lie awake at night
and fantasize about having sex
with another person.
Which would be fun...
so I've heard.
And I think
I'd be a pretty good lover.
Find those hard-to-find spots
that drive the women wild.
- Because I have Google Maps.
"In two inches, make a left."
If you're also incredibly single
like me, why not give me a call?
- If not...
...then the wrath of my god,
the great god Zoomgali,
who is also incredibly single,
will come and find you,
and the sounds
will color the sky,
and he will come after you
and your loved ones,
and damn you
to the fires of hell!
So call me.
You're killing me.
Clear. Commercial. Two minutes.
That was you. That's you, dude.
- Killed it!
- Thanks.
- Oh, God.
I thought
my phone was off. Sorry.
Hello. Yeah. I'm still
at the show. I can't talk.
- I found it.
- What did you find?
That great painting
of that old house
that was hanging in
the empty space on your wall.
Oh, it's beautiful. I rehung it.
You're still at my house?
Yeah. But I'm about
to go back to my place.
- Take it down.
- What?
Take it down.
I don't wanna see it.
I'm sorry.
I thought you misplaced it.
Emma, I don't wanna see it,
I just don't wanna see it.
- Get rid of it!
- Fine.
- New girlfriend?
- Huh. I don't even know.
Hey, you were right.
- He's gonna be good.
- Yeah.
Three, two, one, now!
In the world of music,
Lady Gaga announced
she is changing
her name to "Lady Gagaga."
She gave no explanation
for her decision.
According to a poll,
Americans are concerned
about a new axis of evil
that threatens
our country's democracy.
North Korea, ISIS
and Senate Majority Leader
Mitch McConnell.
- Uh... Moving on.
- No, no, no.
Is anyone bothered
by this but me?
Do you hear that it's wrong?
Your emphasis...
You're an emphasis moron.
What the hell is he doing?
Everything you say is off.
It's not "wi fi," it's Wi-Fi.
It's not "polar ice caps,"
it's polar icecaps.
You are a comedy kamikaze.
- Oh, wait. A "comma-kaze."
- What the hell?
Anybody with a correct amount
of chromosomes...
would know that
it's Mitch McConnell,
not "Mitch-McConnell."
You make it sound like
there a lot of McConnells!
There's only one.
There's no Stewie McConnell.
Is there a Stewie McConnell
in the house? No!
What the hell is going on?
Should we cut to commercial?
- Go to commercial?
- This is live. Just stay on it.
Jesus Christ. No, I'm sorry.
- "Jesus, Christ."
Who, of course,
was born in "Bethle-hem."
I even put it on the cue card,
because I had...
- Know what this is?
- I have no idea. No.
Thank you, Al. Look at this.
I had it written the exact
same size so you would know.
"Mitch McConnell,"
not "Mitch-McConnell."
Mitch McConnell,
you see that? Al.
Camera one, spin around.
Give me Al's reaction.
Yeah. Tell everybody. Did I
tell you that this would happen?
- He told me this would happen.
- Everybody. Exhibit A, Al!
Thank you, Al, you sweet...
Where is he going?
Get him. Follow him.
Look. Look, ma'am,
what does that say?
- "Mitch McConnell."
- Thank you very much.
You, you. Stand up.
What does this say?
- "Mitch McConnell."
- Again. I can't hear you.
- "Mitch McConnell."
- We got a winner.
- Dang it.
Take anything off the top shelf,
God damn it.
Everybody, tell me.
What does this say?
- [ALL] "Mitch McConnell."
- Can't hear you.
- "Mitch McConnell."
- One more time.
- "Mitch McConnell."
- Thank you.
Roger, you're
a very talented young guy.
But I have to tell you,
I am sick and tired
of writing jokes for you
and having you abuse them,
you dumb turd.
- Oh, boy.
Dumb turd! Everybody. Dumb turd!
Dumb turd! Dumb turd! Dumb turd!
Stand up. Dumb turd!
Dumb turd!
Dumb turd! Dumb turd!
Mom, Dad, come here.
Papa Charlie is on television.
Dumb turd! Dumb turd!
I say dumb, you say turd!
- [ALL] Turd.
- Dumb...
Oh, my God.
You say dumb, I say turd.
- [ALL] Dumb...
- I need wide, wide, wide.
- [ALL] Dumb...
- Turd!
- Dumb...
- Turd!
Dumb turd! Dumb turd!
- [ALL] Turd!
- Turd! That's it, I'm done.
- Thank you.
Would you get those
damn birds out of your hair?
Camera one. Back to Roger
and reset. Take one!
- Thank you, "Charlie Burnz."
- No, no! Charlie Burnz.
- Sorry. I'll work on it.
That's the news of the night...
Of the night.
- The news of the...
I guess I'm a dumb turd.
Thank you...
Good night.
And we're clear!
What was that?
What the hell was that?
- [ALL] What the hell was that?
Charlie, what was that?
That was hilarious.
The schmuck
can't get a name right.
Really inspired idea, Charlie.
Oh, my God, Charlie.
That is live television.
Charlie, why didn't you tell me?
- I haven't told my kids yet.
- I bet they know now. We're live.
My fault. I should not
have gone back in there.
I'm so stupid. I'm just
so stupid. It's my fault!
Stupid? What are you talking
about? Everyone loved it.
- When did you think of this?
- Comes to me all the time.
Every second, it doesn't stop.
That's why it was so good.
It was so real.
Holy shit, you guys.
Twitter is blowing up.
They love you, Charlie.
They love the grumpy writer
who can't bear
to see his words mangled.
- They think you're funny, man.
- Funny? Funny?
Saying I'll be back
in a few minutes
and never seeing
that person again is funny?
- Charlie, what...
- It's not funny!
- How can that be funny?
- [OFFICER] Are you Charlie Burnz?
Charlie Burnz.
Mr. Burnz?
I'm Charlie Burnz.
Don't tell me
that something's wrong.
[BRAD] Charlie?
Nothing's wrong. It's okay.
You're all right, Charlie.
Hey, come back to my office.
Lie down for a little bit. Yeah?
I'm so tired.
It's okay. It's okay.
- Come on.
- I'm really tired.
It's all right. It's all right.
- Until tonight, he's been fine.
- [EMMA] Yeah.
Sometimes he's just great.
You'd never know
he had a problem.
And then it'll just hit him,
but nothing like this.
I had no idea.
- It's our secret.
- Our?
- Nobody else knows?
- No.
Well, we have a problem.
Social media has blown up.
They love it.
Everybody is asking,
"Who is this guy?"
They want him back next week.
- I know it's gone viral.
- Yeah.
You know, I'm very nervous
about what people...
We need to post
something right away.
Twitter, Instagram.
Sorry to interrupt.
I just overheard.
- Darrell, come on.
- Let me do it, please.
I know what to say.
Okay. Good.
- I have to run it by the network.
- Okay.
Uh, this is
Charlie's friend Emma.
This is Darrell,
he works with Charlie.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
I'll get started.
What a night.
Okay, Charlie. There's the car.
- Go ahead and get in.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I got it.
- Thanks.
- Hey, Charlie.
- Yeah?
- I just wanted to say good night
and make sure you're okay.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Hey, I, um...
I posted that,
"Tonight, Charlie Burnz
showed why he's a comedy legend
when he gave a hilarious
one-time-only performance
as a disgruntled writer.
Thank YOU, Charlie.
The crew and cast
of This Just In.
Hashtag 'dumb turd.'"
And I put the "you" in all caps
so it was the wrong inflection.
Thanks, kid.
Good night, Charlie.
You know, Darrell here
is gonna be
a terrific writer someday.
I don't know.
I do.
I'll see you, kid.
This is a scan of your brain in February.
And this is the one
we just took.
They look the same to me.
Yes, but your symptoms
are changing.
If I'm right, you may have
a form of dementia
Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.
What do you mean,
if you're right?
Only way to get a definitive
diagnosis of CJD is...
a post-mortem autopsy.
why don't we do that now?
I mean, I have a lunch,
but I could cancel that.
What happens next?
There are other medications
than the ones you're on now...
that could slow this down a bit,
but before too long...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Before too long" is how long?
A year, maybe.
You probably wanna start
thinking about a caregiver.
A nurse?
Yes, or your family.
- Your son and daughter.
- Well...
that's not happening.
In times like this, you should
be surrounded by loved ones,
or professionals who are
trained to care for you.
Uh, I'll do it.
I'll take care of Charlie.
No, you can't.
You're going away.
My plans have changed.
No. No, they haven't changed.
She's in a band and they're
supposed to go on tour.
- Nah, I don't need to do that.
- No. Yes, you do.
She does need to do that.
May I ask
what your relationship is?
- I don't know.
- I don't know.
How long have you
known each other?
I'm guessing
about six months or so.
Are you boyfriend
and girlfriend?
[SCOFFS] Are we?
How would you define
boyfriend and girlfriend?
Well, are you
having sexual relations?
[BOTH] We spooned.
what about your kids?
I honestly don't know
if they've ever spooned.
- This is no time for jokes.
- Yes, it is.
It's the perfect time for jokes,
God damn it.
Don't try to take away
my sense of humor.
I'd rather die right now.
Boy, this God... This God is
a real jokester, isn't he?
What a really funny God.
"Hey, live your whole life
and you won't
remember any of it."
Fuck you!
- Damn it.
- It's gonna be okay.
How can this be okay?
How can this be okay?
My kids don't know anything.
I'll tell them
at the right time.
This is the right time.
You can't be alone anymore.
I'll take care of him
till I can't.
I'll write you some prescriptions.
I'll let the two of you
be alone a bit.
- What the hell is wrong with you?
- What?
- There's nothing wrong with me.
- You're not staying.
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
You heard what the doc said.
It's over, okay?
That's it.
Please, leave me alone!
- Charlie.
- Don't "Charlie" me!
You have a life!
You have your music, so run.
Run for the hills, kid.
It's over.
I'm telling you, it's over.
Please, I just wanna be alone!
- I'm not going anywhere.
- I don't want you to stay!
You hear me?
What are you staying for?
What's here?
What's gonna be left? Nothing!
That's not true, Charlie.
I'm lost. I'm...
Help, help, help. I'm lost.
I'm so... I'm so lost.
I'm sorry, pal. But I'm in.
You wanna be with a stranger?
Pretty soon everyone's
gonna be a stranger.
Not me.
I'm not gonna leave you.
Thank you.
Whose room did this used to be?
That explains the chill.
Something wrong?
I can't sleep.
What's up?
- I wrote something.
- That's good.
- I wanna read it to you.
- Okay.
This is my journal.
I've been writing stuff
for the book in it
because typing
has become a problem for me.
I know.
The book is called For Carrie.
This is the dedication.
A writer always dedicates
the book to somebody he loves...
- I know what it means.
- Okay.
"To Emma Payge.
Thank you for taking my truth
and making it more interesting.
I kind of love you. CB."
I kind of love you too, old man.
Oh. Really?
Yeah. Big-time.
Didn't see that coming.
You make me smile.
Good night.
Good night.
Hey, Emma.
I'm grateful to you
that you're here.
I wanna have fun. I wanna laugh.
I want to not be scared.
And I wanna write the book,
and I wanna
do all of that with you.
But you have
to promise me something.
When it's time...
you go back out and sing.
You're an artist,
and that's what you should do.
Please, promise me.
I promise.
I'm a bargain for 22 bucks,
don't you think?
Heh. Hell, yeah.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I must've dozed off.
These new meds are
making me very sleepy.
I haven't taken a nap
since the Carter administration.
- What do you have there?
- Nothing.
Let me see.
- It's that...
- Emma, I know what it is.
I know you said get rid of it,
but it's just so beautiful.
Give it to me.
Carrie painted this. Yeah.
See, she put her name
in the bushes.
- See there? In the trees.
- Mmm-hmm.
This is Lake Charlie.
Lake Charlie. Where's that?
That's about two hours
north of the city. Yeah.
Carrie gave me a lake
for my birthday.
A lake?
Yeah. It was actually a pond.
But Pond Charlie didn't sound
as good as Lake Charlie, heh.
- Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
- What?
Tell me all about Lake Charlie.
It was my 40th birthday.
Happy birthday, Charlie Burnz.
- [MAN] Happy birthday.
- [WOMAN] Happy birthday, Charlie.
We had a party outside in the garden.
And after everybody was gone...
Carrie shows me this photograph
of this woodsy area
with this beautiful lake on it.
Happy birthday, Charlie Burnz.
This is for you.
[CHARLIE] For me? What is this?
What am I looking at?
- It's called Lake Charlie.
- Lake Charlie?
[CHARLIE] She was always trying
to get me to stop working.
And just be alone
with her and do nothing.
And honestly the thought
of doing nothing
terrified me, you know?
But I loved it so much
and it meant so much to her
that we'd go up there, you know,
and camp out, like, in a tent.
Can you imagine me in a tent?
I mean, to me,
the great outdoors
would be a lot better
if it was indoors.
Good morning!
That smells good. Smells better than me.
Wow... Whoa! Look what you did.
- Hey, Charlie?
- Yeah?
- You know what I think?
- What?
- I think we need a house.
- A house?
The kids will love it up here.
- What? Kids?
- Didn't I tell you?
And that's how she told me
she was pregnant with Rex.
So she went looking for a house.
Wait, didn't you guys
build a house?
Oh, no, that's
way too easy for Carrie.
She scoured the countryside,
found this little house,
she bought it, lifted it up,
put it on a flatbed truck and
she drove it to Lake Charlie.
Got a house, Charlie Burnz!
Thank you.
So we put in a new foundation,
plopped the house down on it,
renovated it,
painted it up,
made it a little bit bigger.
- Mmm-hmm.
- It was our happy place.
Dad, come on! Let's go play.
Daddy, come on!
- And she was right.
- Daddy, come on.
Are you playing or not?
The kids loved it.
Aw. Now I know why you
didn't wanna hang the picture.
No, you don't.
I'm tired. I can't talk anymore.
Come on, Charlie. Please?
Don't take this with you.
I'm not going anywhere yet.
Okay. My first Broadway play,
It's My Time,
it opened
at the Belasco Theatre.
Reviews were terrific,
business was great,
but that wasn't enough for me.
The star was an actor
named Jerry Orbach,
and there was this one speech
late in the second act.
It never landed right.
It drove me crazy.
All I wanted was one show
that was just perfect.
Things were tense...
between the two of us.
- I'd been working so much.
- What are we doing?
I'd been on the road
for four months
with the play
before it came to Broadway.
Everybody was looking forward
to spending some time together
at Lake Charlie,
and what was I doing?
I was rewriting a play
that was already a hit.
Charlie, we have to go
right now.
Traffic's gonna be awful.
I don't like driving
in the dark.
My mom's got the kids
there waiting.
We should have left an hour ago.
I had to rewrite
a speech for Jerry.
- It wasn't landing right.
- Oh. Great. Okay.
- That's just great.
- He's reading it.
I wanna make sure
it's okay with him.
Oh. You wanna make sure
it's okay with him?
With him? How about with me?
How about with the kids,
who you haven't seen for months?
You promised me.
You promised us.
Stop yelling.
Five minutes, I promise.
- I'll be right in and right out.
- The kids are waiting.
I understand. I'll be right out.
The people are in line,
- the show goes up in an hour.
- Five minutes?
Yeah. Yeah.
I know you're upset,
but I hate
when you get like this.
If you're not back
in five minutes,
- I'm leaving without you.
- I heard you, okay? I heard you.
God damn it.
It took 15 minutes.
When I came out, she was gone.
I was angry.
So I watched the show,
that damn speech
still didn't land right.
I had a couple drinks with Jerry
and then I came back here...
And the next thing I remember
is flashing lights.
And a policeman in the doorway
asking me my name
over and over again.
And I'm thinking
if I don't answer him,
then maybe what he's about
to tell me didn't happen.
He told me Carrie was driving
on this dark road
right near the house.
She came to this fork
in the road...
and some kid loaded on pills
driving a Jeep
ran the stop sign.
And he hit her head-on.
She died instantly.
Kid walked away
without a scratch.
The last time I saw
that beautiful face,
she was mad at me.
That's why I can't look at
that picture anymore.
It makes me remember
the one thing I want to forget.
I'm sorry.
Me too.
- Need anything from the store?
- Um... Wonton soup.
I'd like to shampoo my hair.
It's getting a little greasy...
- Charlie.
- What?
- I'm just kidding. I'm okay.
- I promise. Thanks.
- Good.
Hey, I was thinking, you know
what we could do someday?
It could be fun. Um...
Ever been
to Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum?
You ever been there?
It's a lot of fun.
It's pretty amazing
what they do.
Okay. Sure.
You're back already?
Okay. Coming, coming, coming.
[CHARLIE] Come on in.
Come on in. This is a surprise.
What's the matter? You look
very upset. What's wrong?
- I had a fight with my mom.
- Oh.
She said you were
drunk and embarrassing.
I said you could never be.
You were funny on the show.
Why does she keep you away from
me? She said something awful.
- Does she know where you are?
- She thinks I'm at school.
- How did you get here?
- Uber.
- We should tell her you're here.
- No!
- She'll be so mad at me.
- But, Lindsay...
Please. I just have to know
if it's true.
Is what true?
She said it was because of you
that I don't have a grandma.
She said that to you?
No. I overheard her
on the phone with Uncle Rex.
No, Lindsay, no.
Lindsay never made it
to school, Rex.
She used my Uber account,
and guess where she took it to.
Charlie, I got your wonton soup,
but the chef said that you need
to use extra conditioner...
I got some short ribs.
They'll be so good.
Charlie? Charlie!
Where are you, old man?
Charlie, stop playing.
Hey. Where is she?
- How'd you get in here?
- We grew up here. Where is she?
- Who?
- My daughter Lindsay.
- And our father. Where's our dad?
- Lindsay!
- Dad!
- Nobody's here.
I just got home myself.
- Home?
- Do you live here?
- I moved in a few days ago.
- Oh, lovely.
- Your dad needs me right now.
- I bet he does.
You might want to rethink
your attitude, Francine.
What is this?
What is all this about?
That's research for a project
he's working on.
With our names
under the pictures?
- He doesn't know who we are?
- Not all the time.
Your father's sick.
He has a form of dementia.
And it's getting worse.
He can't be alone anymore.
That's why I moved in, Francine.
I'm his friend. He's writing
a book about your family
and I'm helping him finish it.
- I can't believe this.
- We had no idea.
That's because you're too busy
being pissed at him.
Pretty soon, before you know it,
he's not gonna know who you are.
But you'll remember him.
He's done a very good job
of beating himself up
without you guys piling on.
You were very happy once.
It can happen again
if you let it.
How do we find them?
I put a GPS on his phone.
- Okay.
- Let me see.
- No. No, no, no.
- It's here. It's here.
- Where the hell are they?
- Damn.
Oh. If she's still using my
Uber account, we can find them.
I cannot believe this.
- Hey, hey, hey. What's wrong?
- Longer trip than I thought.
You give five star.
I accept nothing less.
Is this the best way to go?
This is all my fault. She
overheard what I said to you.
- We got in a fight...
- She heard that?
Yes. I know. I'm sorry, okay?
- What if he does something crazy?
- What's he gonna do, Francine?
What's gonna happen?
- I don't know.
- He loves Lindsay.
Nothing will happen.
How can you be so sure?
I know him.
Papa! Where are you going?
Come back!
- Please stop!
- Hey, what about my five stars?
- Oh, God!
Lindsay, honey, are you okay?
Papa Charlie ran away!
He told the driver to pull over,
jumped out of the car and ran.
I'm scared. I'm in the woods.
Lindsay, don't worry. Look
around. Can you see anything?
- I can see the road.
- Go there. Go to the road.
We're gonna find you.
Mom! Mom!
[FRANCINE] Lindsay!
Come on, baby girl.
- Oh, my God, Rex.
- I know. Let's find him.
- [LINDSAY] Papa Charlie?
- Dad?
- [EMMA] Charlie?
- [LINDSAY] Papa Charlie?
No, Dad. No. Please, Dad. Dad?
- [EMMA] Charlie?
- [REX] Dad?
Papa Charlie!
[EMMA] Charlie!
- Dad!
- [EMMA] Charlie!
- Dad!
- [REX] Dad?
- Charlie!
- Papa Charlie!
- [FRANCINE] Dad! Dad!
- [EMMA] Charlie!
- Dad!
- Papa Charlie, where are you?
Oh, hey.
- Hey. Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey. You okay?
- My feet are wet.
Mine are too.
Are you okay? You look so upset.
I'm just happy to see you.
What are you doing here?
Hi. Uh...
Well, I wanted to show
Lindsay Lake Charlie.
This was our happy place.
See, sunsets,
we'd stand right here.
And... And we'd watch
the sun go down there
and, "Bye-bye, sun.
Bye-bye, sun."
Somebody would say that.
That was me, Dad.
- I said that.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry about your mother.
- No.
- Dad, you don't have to...
- No, I have to. I have to, Rex.
Let me finish, because
I'm running out of words.
Francine, I was not
the reason your mom died.
That kid who ran the stop sign
was the reason your mom died.
And I adored her so much.
I loved your mother so much.
And she died mad at me.
I can't leave here knowing
that you're mad at me too.
I can't undo it.
I can't undo it.
There's no rewrites this time.
Come on. Relax.
Relax your hands.
No more fists. Relax your hands.
Dad. Why didn't you tell us?
Because I didn't know how.
And I was scared.
Of what?
That maybe you wouldn't care.
Oh, Dad.
Forgive me. Please.
Forgive me
so I can forgive myself.
Because the sight of your
angry eyes keeps me up at night
and gives me the sweats, and
there's no more time for that.
There's no more time.
I'm here today.
Daddy, I'm so sorry.
Franny, it's okay. It's okay.
I understand. I understand.
- I love you, Pop.
- Oh!
- I love you.
- [LINDSAY] Is there room for me?
- Come here, sweetie.
- I love you too, you know?
Emma. Emma. Come here.
Oh, God.
What a long time between hugs.
[CHARLIE] Mom was always
inventing days for the kids.
Kids loved
"Backwards Day" the best.
We'd have dinner for breakfast
and breakfast for dinner.
No, Pop.
It was "Upside-down Day."
Upside-down day.
God, I loved that.
We'd have cake for breakfast.
- Can we do that?
- Yeah.
Will you do it with us,
Papa Charlie and Emma?
- Absolutely.
- Yeah, sure. Anything for you.
- Is it upside-down day?
- Yeah. Upside-down day.
I got it.
Upside-down day is great.
- Yeah?
- [DARRELL] This'll be really good.
Hey, Rex, um...
Oh, tell them the story
about when Dad
was barbecuing outside,
he was making all these
hot dogs and a bear came.
- [REX] Oh, heh-heh!
- That's a really good story.
- Okay, I think it was July 4th?
- Uh-huh. Dad loves 4th of July.
It's beautiful here.
Are you okay?
I'm here.
[EMMA] Well, I've seen love
Go by my door
It's never been
This close before
Never been so easy
Or so slow
I've been shootin'
In the dark too long
When something's not right
It's wrong
You're gonna make me lonesome
When you go
Dragon clouds so high above
I've only known
Careless love...
Come on. Sun's going down.
It's going. Come on,
he's not gonna wait for us.
Right on target, so direct
You're gonna
Make me lonesome...
Come on. Don't wanna miss it.
Wow. This gonna be a beauty.
- [FRANCINE] Oh, look at that. Wow.
- [LINDSAY] It's so beautiful.
- [MOUTHS] Wow.
Blue river
Running slow and lazy
I could stay with you forever
And never realize the time
Situations have ended sad
Have all been bad
Mine have been
Like Verlaine and Rimbaud
But there's no way
I can compare
All those scenes
To this affair
You're gonna make me lonesome
When you go
I'll look for you
In old Honolulu
San Francisco or Ashtabula
You're gonna have to leave me
Now I know
But I'll see you
In the sky above
Bye-bye, sun.
In the tall grass
In the ones I love
You're gonna make me
Lonesome when you go
You're gonna make me lonesome
When you go
You're gonna make me
Very, very lonesome
When you go
Goodbye, old man.