He's Way More Famous Than You (2013) Movie Script

Halley, Halley!
- Over here!
- Over here, honey!
Turn around, turn around!
Turn around, and look over
your shoulder. That's it.
Turn around and look over your shoulder.
It's Jesse.
Hi Jesse.
This is fun, do you think this is fun?
No, this is literally
my worst nightmare.
I mean, I hate having my photo taken.
- Me too, actually.
My grandma bought me this dress and I thought I
really liked it, and now I feel so self conscience.
No, you look beautiful.
- Really?
- That's so sweet.
Come on, Jesse.
These people are making
me so uncomfortable.
I know. - I feel I'm gonna be
attacked by them... - I know.
It makes me not actually want to be an
actress if this is what it is. - Really?
Kind of. - I have the same feeling, I'm
actually thinking of becoming a history teacher.
Just Jesse, please.
Oh yeah... I'll see you later.
Okay, yeah. See you inside.
Seriously, you look good.
- Thank you, you too.
Hey, Michael Ausiello, from TVline.com.
Congratulations on the movie.
How are you holding up?
My palms are really sweaty...
I think I forgot to
put deodorant on, so...
It gets easier, champagne?
I'm not really much of a drinker.
I'm sorry, Halley...
You're needed over here.
Just one second...
- You go.
You're famous now.
You know what, can you
just give me one second?
I'm sorry.
Hey Michael...
You want to try it in my butt again?
No, I don't.
We only have a couple of weeks
left to get this draft done...
If we want to submit it to
the Sand Dune screener's lab.
Yup, good point.
Good point.
Yup, that's fun.
You want to drunk dial Ryan?
Halley, we're not calling your brother.
Stop watching Dancing with the Stars...
And help me write our screenplay.
And put that camera away.
Baby, I won't remember this
conversation tomorrow...
Unless I videotaped it.
Maybe you shouldn't drink so much.
Good one.
Did you just open that one-handed?
I'm not talented.
Did you see that foxtrot?
Ralph Macchio is stray foxy...
I've loved him ever since he played...
The sexually confused best friend
of Eric Stoltz in Naked in New York.
I've only seen him in Karate Kid.
You're so plabian.
Hey, Macchio should be in my movie.
You mean our movie?
Yeah, right right...
What part would he play?
Your part?
- Just kidding.
That's it.
Are you fully erect?
Your penis feels really small.
- Okay.
Never mind, whatever you say.
Are you...
Are you not attracted to me anymore?
Yeah, now you're penis is
getting smaller by the seconds.
I bet Ralph Macchio wouldn't have
any trouble getting it up with me.
Oh my God, okay that's it.
What do you mean that's it?
- What?
What... What are you doing?
- What?
Michael, what are you doing?
I'm leaving.
I'm confused, what is that mean?
Okay, you know what?
Yeah, I know that you're in
the new Man in Black movie...
But I think someone in this room
is being a little overly dramatic.
You've been treating me like shit
for a really long time, Halley...
I love you...
But I can't let myself
be treated like that.
You're just not the person I fell in
love with on the set of The Messenger.
What are you doing?
I look really beautiful when I cry.
You're gonna put some
clothes on, at least?
It's just a medium shot.
You can't see my cooter.
Halley, you're so self-involved...
All you do is videotaped yourself...
Think about yourself,
talk about yourself...
Write about yourself...
- Google myself...
Google yourself, drink
alcohol by yourself...
But it's delicious.
You have a drinking problem.
And you have a thinking problem.
You have a rhyming problem.
- You're not funny.
You just don't think I'm funny because
you don't have a very good sense of humor.
That's why "The Messenger" wasn't funny at all.
- Okay...
Yeah, you think that I don't
have a sense of humor...
Because I didn't find this card funny.
How is that funny?
Picture of you in bed
with some other guy...
I don't even know who that is.
And you photoshopped
my brother's head...
On to his body.
Looks like he's entering you, Halley.
- Michael...
Do you even take the time
to read what I wrote inside?
I love you so much. I would
NEVER sleep with your brother.
So there you go.
- It's beautiful, you should write greeting cards for a living.
Michael! You know what?
It's funny.
- No, it's not.
Yes it is!
Is this just because what
i've said about Ralph Macchio?
He's like number 23 on
the IFDB Pro Startracker.
Halley, you know I don't
care about that stuff.
That's why you're number 20.526.
- Really?
You want to play that game?
- Sure.
Let's play that game.
- Great.
Let's see here...
Halley Feiffer... Oh look...
You're number 10.101.
- Exactly!
Exactly! That's why we need the
Karate Kid to bring up the curve.
You think you're so great?
Why don't you do something
about your own career?
He's way more famous than you!
That's not my fault!
It's okay...
I dropped that fast?
It's okay, who's counting?
I am.
Hi, you've reached Ryan Feiffer.
Leave a message.
Hey Ryan, it's me.
My Startracker dropped again.
Yours is still on the 6 digits.
Call me back, bye...
You gummer...
Gina Hearsh's office, WMF.
Gina, hi... It's Halley.
Your favorite client.
Listen, I need to have a
meeting with you, tomorrow AM..
Un diamo, pronto, right away.
We need to talk about my shitty
career, and how it's all your fault.
Okay, love you. Bye.
Good for you, Jesse.
Hey this is Jesse, leave a message and i'll
get back to you as soon as possible, thanks.
Hey, Jesse. It's Halley!
I bet you're super crazy
now post "Social Network".
I am coming out of a very dark time...
Peppered with suicidal fantasies, but...
I'm about to make some
really important and...
Constructive changes that...
I would love to just...
Bulletpoint with you,
whenever you get a sec.
TTYL, boy.
Hey Michael?
You want to try it in my butt again?
Halley, no.
I don't.
Hey Michael...
You want to try it in my butt again?
No, I don't.
We only have a couple of weeks left...
To get this draft done, if we want to
submit it to the Sand Dune screener's laps.
Yup... yup... Good point.
Good point.
You want to drunk dial Ryan?
Halley, we're not calling
your brother right now.
We're just so excited that you
decided to sign with us, Miss Mamie.
I know we are going to do
some amazing things together.
I feel so blessed.
Really I do.
- Oh girl...
We're the blessed one, you could've signed with
anyone, you puffed-faced little munchkin, you...
Oh my God! Gina!
Hey, did you get my message?
Hi Halley...
Yes, if you can just give me a minute.
Hey Mamie...
Thank you.
Gina... - I hug,
we hug. - Okay.
Do you need any help getting
to all your meetings this week?
Jessica can book you a car service.
- No, that's fine.
Thank you. - Are
you sure? - Yeah.
Okay, if you need anything...
You let me know.
- I'm always here...
I have no social life.
Thank you, bye Jessica. Bye Gina.
Oh wait, I hug, we hug...
We're hugging.
- Okay.
I dropped something.
- Oh, I got it.
Oh my God.
My brother dates him.
With that gay guy from Ugly Betty.
- Really?
Michael's a client. He's so sweet.
Yeah, I know. He's gonna be
the maid of honor at my wedding.
Not your brother?
Do you want to keep it?
What, no...
- Yeah.
Keep it.
- Really?
Thank you.
- Okay.
- Bye!
She's so sweet.
You look beautiful.
Love you, Gummer.
Okay... Let's do this.
Trifolds, really.
So you just signed Mamie Gummer?
She's Merryl Streeps' daughter.
People said that I'm
the poor man's herb.
Can you give me her e-mail?
Halley, nothing I said
on the phone has changed.
A... Can I have a
piece of your baugette?
B... I have a really exciting movie
idea that I need your help with...
And C..
Sprinkling a canvass...
I have eaten hundreds of dried fruits...
And sitting on the
toilet with a diarrhea...
Oozing out of me, slowly...
Like a Mr. Softy...
The diarrhea...
Symbolic of my career...
Dried fruits, you guess it. That's you.
I was in the biggest
indie of the last century.
I was in the Squid and the Whale.
Ring a ding ding dong...
I know you love ding dongs.
Listen to me.
Can you listen?
I took a 6 week course on
listening with Austin Penddleton.
The Squid and the Whale
had a limited released, 6..
Or 7 years ago.
And you played the supporting role.
I was the only sympathy
garnering character...
In a movie populated exclusively
by narcissistic literaty...
A little Miss "I'm
smarter than my client".
I'm sorry, I don't need to make
fun of they way you think and speak.
To want to say the obvious that you
can barely fit into that chair...
Sorry, I hadn't had a
drink yet this morning.
No one will hire you
because you drink too much.
You're starting to get a reputation.
I am so sorry, have you
forgotten who my father is?
World famous Pullitzer
prized winning saturist...
Jules Feiffer.
Most people don't even
know he's still alive.
I can get you...
In touch with people in our HR..
And they can help you.
Find a rehab.
That takes your insurance.
Oh, you mean like a publicity stunt?
I like it, I like it.
- Halley, no!
Not a publicity stunt.
You are a great actress.
And I have much faith in your talent.
But you have become rude.
And unrully...
And impossible to work with.
You need to make a significant
change in your life...
And if you don't, I could
no longer work with you.
Shh shh... Are you done?
Okay great.
I'm gonna come in next week...
And we can finish this
little intervention later...
- Once I have a tasty drink under my belt.
I'm letting you go.
You want to know why that's fine?
I'm gonna take this piss
poor attitude of yours...
And spin a web of gold with it.
I'm writing my own movie.
Infact it's basically already written.
That's right, I'm starring in it...
And it's gonna get into the
Sand Dune screenwriter's lab.
Oscar gold, here comes mama...
And guess who's not getting 10%..
Fatty McGee, and that's you.
I should never...
Let you into my life
in the first place...
You don't know how talented I am.
I'm gonna be the biggest movie
star that you've ever heard of!
Ryan, Ryan...
Hey Ryan...
I have to talk to you
like right now, Ryan...
Oh my God, Ryan... Are you there...
- Jeez.
Halley, what?
- Oh my God, I have something really important to tell you.
What's the matter?
- Oh my God.
If you don't like to stick your
penis in other boy's mouth...
I would totally smonk your dong.
That's disturbing.
- Why?
Because you're my sister.
I have something vitally
crucial to tell you.
But before I do, do
you have any alcohol?
Sure, I think we have something, but...
Jeez Halley, it's like...
Not even noon.
So what is it? What's going on?
Oh my gosh...
It's not dad, is it?
No, no... I know he's
like 10o, but it's not.
Then, what is it?
I feel like nervous.
I kinda feel like
sad, all of the sudden.
I know, me too.
Me too.
Are you ready?
- Yeah.
DOn't make that face.
- Alright.
Throwing caution to the wind...
You're so pretty.
This is hard.
- Okay, what is it?
Alright, I'm just gonna go for it.
Do it.
Will your boyfriend...
3 times Teen Choice award
nominee, Michael Urie...
The gay guy from Ugly betty...
My boyfriend...
In my movie?
Open it, open it.
Can you believe it? Open it again.
Isn't that awesome? Where are you going?
What are you...
Did you see? Ryan?
I just went through my flipcam...
And transcribed
everything that happened...
Between me and Michael Chernus.
It's gonna be next
year's Blue Valentine.
What are you... Ryan?
It took me all night and
2 pitchers of Sangria...
To essemble that genius packaging.
That is what you wanted to talk to me about?
- Yeah.
You made it sound so urgent!
I thought somebody had died.
- Somebody did, my career!
Uh uh...
- Ryan, why are you minimalizing this?
I am the most pathetic out of work
actor on the street of New York...
Maybe even the planet.
That whore back Mamie Gummer
pretends that I'm a stranger...
Even though I pole danced for Matthew
Broderick at her birthday party.
That was Haley Joel Osment.
Stop correcting me, Ryan!
You didn't even go to college.
I have been in Julliard
for the past 7 years.
Are you getting your Master in air?
That is not nice.
You know what? Why are you doing this?
You always make
everything about you, Ryan.
Halley, look... You have worked with...
The most incredible people, and
you've never even had formal training.
I've never even had an agent...
Neither do I anymore!
I always liked it that your
career was worse than mine...
Now I think we're on the same level
and that makes me want to kill myself.
Ryan, this is rude! I'm
not drunk enough yet.
Look, Halley... Why do you want Michael?
Why can't you just put me in your movie?
How is that funny?
- Ryan...
You can't play my
boyfriend, you're my brother.
- What?
It's 2011!
Nobody cares if ice
skaters are siblings...
We'll just get a body
double for the sex scenes...
And if we need to kiss,
we'll cut away or something.
Okay, do you really need me to spot all for you?
- I guess I do.
This is very very sad.
That was my blanket.
Can you read? - Yup,
i can read. - Great.
I need somebody famous!
This script is honestly more about
Vanessa Williams than anything else.
Vanessa Williams?
You never once mentioned she's in the script.
- Well she is now.
Hey, what is America
Ferrera doing post Betty?
Maybe she could direct it.
There is no way America is available.
She's way too famous.
But actually...
Michael is looking to
branch out into directing.
What? The gay guy from
Ugly Betty directs?
Then I could be in it.
- Oh my God.
The gay guy from Ugly Betty
is gonna direct my movie?
I'm gonna be the best
Michael Chernus ever.
- I'm still biking.
Just put this on here.
Just hold that there for a second.
- Okay.
Yeah, just...
I like that, harder.
You smell that? yeah, it feels good.
Oh yeah, harder... Harder...
Okay, Miss Feiffer...
- Oh, you know my work?
No, you ask me that everytime.
I've not seen you Whale movie.
Fine fine, what?
It's just a minor cut this time, but you should
really think about cutting back on your drinking.
I wasn't drinking.
You've called 91116 times...
With alcohol related injuries...
There, now I can see
your beautiful brown eyes.
Please don't touch me.
This isn't a joke. You
can really hurt yourself.
Could you get out of my ambulance now?
Will you lift me out and
gingerly place me on my bike?
I think I have vertigo.
I'm falling.
My bones are melting.
Because of radiation...
I was in Chernobyl...
I'm an orphan.
We need to talk to the gay guy
from Ugly Betty right away...
Before I get another concussion.
I think I agree with him.
You should probably cut
back on your drinking.
Ryan, ugh!
Some of the greatest
artists of all eternity...
Had alcohol and drug problems.
River Phoenix, Janis Joplin...
And Marylin Monroe.
Maybe you should try drinking more...
You might become a better actor.
But they all died.
It's how you get to be
number 1 on the Startracker.
Those are my men, Ryan...
Come on, I have to cheat...
I'm losing...
- No, I don't care if you're losing...
Hey babe.
- Hey, baby.
Hey, babe!
Hey Halley.
How did it go?
Oh, you know...
Pretty good. Oh...
Halley, you look so cute.
Thank you, I got my head banded...
What happened?
Just an amazing meeting with
Darren Aronofsky for Black Swan 2.
So many foartes.
But anyway, Ryan has been
chomping at the bit...
To ask you a dire straight question, right Ryan?
- Uh uh...
So, Halley and I have been
working on a screenplay idea...
It's more like a comment on real life.
What's it about?
What's with the camera?
You know what?
It is part of the process.
It's basically a simple love story.
Centering around Halley and...
Me as her ex-boyfriend
Michael Chernus...
We're the leads...
Vanessa Williams.
So, you guys...
Play boyfriend and girlfriend?
- Yes.
In the movie?
- It's okay, he's gay. No one will care.
Okay, actually Halley, could you not...
Film me right now?
I don't really feel
comfortable with that.
Did you see Capturing the Friedmans?
This is like that.
Okay, whatever.
So, what Halley and I were
just pondering today over...
Cycling, box wine,
and ambulance visit...
Would you be into directing it?
What? Direct what?
What is there to direct?
Babe, can I talk to you
in private for a second?
I really don't understand what
it is you're asking me to do here.
First off, I would like
it if you support me.
I do support you.
- Okay great thank you.
Secondly, I need you more than
anything to help us with this because...
I've had a lot of rejections.
And I just need to do
something important.
And if we don't do this as a team...
It'll never happen.
And I will never amount to anything
more than Jules Feiffer's son who...
Went to Julliard for a
decade, and dated that...
Gay guy from Ugly Betty.
- Okay.
Okay, okay...
Let's just say that I will help
you guys brainstorm this movie.
Okay? and we can take
one step at a time.
Great, thanks. Thank you.
But the Sand Dune screenwriter's
lab deadline is in 2 weeks.
And we have to make that deadline.
What do we have to do for the deadline?
The first 10 pages of scripts...
A letter of intent, and to...
Set ours apart...
We want to film a 5
minutes teaser trailer.
Teaser trailer?
- Support me!
Does Halley have to play herself?
Couldn't we get like Mamie Gummer?
- Okay, okay.
I will help you guys with
your teaser trailer...
We'll see how that goes.
And then we'll move from there. Okay?
Halley, oh my God!
- oh No!
Thank you for my bandages.
See you soon.
Text me if you're lonely.
What are you doing for thanksgiving?
Why did he say that
was your last 911 visit?
I think he has a drinking problem.
It's really sad, actually.
Oh my God! Tracee!
I haven't seen you since the show ended.
Are you out running
errands for Ben Stiller?
Yeah, he has me running all around
town, buying specially engraved Ipods...
For his housekeepers.
You are so lucky you get to assist
such a dream boat of a movie star.
Does he ever...
Ask about me?
No, Halley.
His experience on broad day
with you was not very positive.
Okay, if he does ever change
his mind about my HJ offer...
I would totally check my avails...
What's up with your face?
- It's for a part.
Are you gonna meet Ben Stiller
right now, by any chance?
Yes, he's rented a
hollistic colonic studio...
For his whole family and
staff for labor day...
So we're gonna go have
dinner and go over there, why?
Please, can I come? Please...
No, Halley.
- Please, please...
- Please, please...
Halley, we're gonna go back upstairs!
Okay, bye Master Urie...
So good seeing you, thank you
so much for directing my movie.
Bye Tracee!
- Bye Ryan!
What movie?
- I'll tell you all about it on our way to meet Master Stiller.
Can you see my tits in this thing?
Yeah, your nipples look
really good and hard...
Like little baby finger tubs.
- Really?
Thank you.
Who are you texting?
I'm texting with Stiller...
And he said he's not coming to
dinner, now that you've crashed.
- Halley, the last time you saw him...
You asked him if you could make
a semen milkshake with his seed.
It'll make a really good shake.
But regardless, did you ask him if he
wants a life changing role in my movie?
Yeah, he said his eardrums
were clicking last night...
So he didn't get much sleep,
so he can't do the movie.
No, no honey.
No sugar, no fruit toast.
I have an eating disorder.
Way to set a boundary, girlfriend.
I'm so proud of you, i
think it's so progressive...
How open you are about
your anorexia and bulimia.
Thank you.
You know they do say that
the first step to recovery...
Is actually admitting
that you have a problem.
Yeah, maybe we can be roomates in rehab.
Okay, I'm gonna go to the
bathroom and change my tampon...
And maybe wash my hands. BRB.
Hey this is Jesse.
Leave a message, i'll get back to
you as soon as possible, thanks.
Hey Jesse, it's Halley again.
I have some very
exciting news to tell you.
There's some super amazing stuff
going on in my life right now...
I can really use a friend to
share all this bounty with.
I was just having a dream...
And I'm thinking of you.
I remember how much fun we had in
between set of Squid and the Whale...
That must have seemed like
a million years ago for you...
You've done so many movies since then.
Sometimes when things are really good...
You can feel really lonely.
I wonder if that's how
you felt on Oscar night.
I hope it isn't but...
If it is, I just want you to know...
You're not alone.
That's all, I love you.
Hope you're doing good.
Are you okay?
- Yeah, totally.
So now that the Still'meister' is out...
Who's gonna play
Ryan's part in my movie?
Tracee, we have to get
someone more famous than Ryan.
Can you imagine walking
down the street...
And passing a movie poster
with Ryan's face on it?
No one would go see that movie.
Let me lob this idea to
you and see what you bite.
In exchange for an
executive producer credit...
How would it tickle you...
If I were to contact my dear friend...
And genius, Ralph Macchio.
Stay golden, Ponyboy.
Stay golden.
Don't die on me, Johnny.
Don't die.
Come on, Johnny. Don't die.
Don't die on me, Johnny. Don't die!
Johnny, come on!
This is what you get...
This is what you get for helping people.
That was a dramatization of...
My favorite scene from The Outsider...
Starring Ralph Macchio
as a gentle beast.
Hand me the Karate Kid
on a silver platter...
Wearing only a doylie...
And you've got yourself an EP credit.
We are gonna win Oscars.
Mr Feiffer, so good to see you.
Thank you for letting
us shoot at your house.
This is my prop beer?
Yes mam.
- Awesome, can we swap it up for a real beer?
What about a light beer?
Listen, my friend worked at
Harry and the Henderson...
And she said that John Lithgow...
Does coke on all his sets.
She said that John Lithgow does
coke in the middle of scenes...
While they were filming
and you can't even tell.
Okay, it's my dad's country estate
and I can do whatever I want, so...
Hey Halley, how's it going?
Tracee, how do you think it's going?
There's no Rose, there's
no birthday cake...
I specifically ask for
a claw-footed bathtub...
Complete with splendid bubbles...
And Lou fat muffins?
Serves me right to ask the
anorexic bulimic girl to stock...
The craft services table.
Look, we still haven't
heard from Macchio.
No no, no!
I can't shoot any
scenes with my brother.
He's terrible, it would be like
doing theater in Los Angeles.
Just start shooting with that.
And once we get Ralph,
and we will get Ralph...
We'll just impose him
in with 3 shoots...
Or green screens, or
mirrors, or CGI or something.
I'm trusting you with my life, Tracee.
The Sand Dune screenwriter's
lab dead line is in 10 days.
My word is my oyster.
Hey Halley.
- Hey.
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah.
Can I get a PA to make you
some coffee or something?
We have a devolumaker.
A devolumaker?
Yeah, Stiller's idea.
- Yeah.
He wanted it, according to Tracee.
Wait, Ben Stiller?
- Yeah.
He got us a check.
Isn't that rad?
- No, shut the front door.
Tracee didn't tell you that Ben
Stiller is subsidizing the film?
Anyway, what I wanted
to talk to you about...
Was I would just...
Love it if for the rest
of today, you could...
You could really try to
stay focus, because...
This really means a lot to me.
So sweet.
- Thanks.
It's like my one chance.
- So excited.
It is. Very exciting. And
i think you and I should...
Be able to trust each other.
I took a weekend long
workshop on trust at an Asrham.
And action.
We're not even on set.
I'm walking, walking to set.
Walking on to a hot set.
What's a hot set?
The Untitled Greenlight
Halley Feiffer Vehicle...
Promo Trailer Project.
Roll scene 1-apple...
Take 1, marker.
Everybody settle...
Here we go, and action.
Hey Michael, you want...
Alright, going again, sorry.
Yeah, going again.
Hey Michael, you...
Cut, cut, cut...
Nurse Martha...
Can you fix my mustache?
Yes, Halley?
Can we unplugged Dad's breathing machine
real quick? It'll be just like a second.
Dad, is it okay with you?
No, Halley no...
It's fine, we don't need to
unplugged the breathing machine.
- Yeah, it's fine...
Why don't you head back
to set? It's totally fine.
You're the boss.
Alright, do again?
Can you move?
Thank you.
- Is everything okay?
Yes, Ryan. It's not about you.
Alright, going again.
The "Untitled Greenlight
Halley Feiffer Vehicle Porno".
Promo Trailer Project...
Take 2, mark.
Here we go.
Very still, and action!
Hey Michael, you want to try it in my butt again?
- Halley!
No, I don't.
We're only have a couple of weeks left to get this draft done.
- Cut, cut.
Ryan, why are you talking like that?
Because I did a little reseach.
Googled Chernus.
He's eastern Europian.
From Russia.
Chekov, Smirnoff...
Stop it, you sound like an asshole.
Didn't you listen to Austin Penddleton's
dialect tapes like I told you to?
Michael, I can't do this, Michael.
Yeah, I can't do this. Stop it Ryan!
This is horrible. We have to stop now.
It's okay Halley, let's just keep going.
It sounds okay?
Yeah, it's fine.
Don't believe you.
Let's keep going, okay?
Let's keep going, okay!
Okay! Don't have to yell!
Thank you, Michael.
- Thank you Michael.
Here we go...
- Can you just give me one second?
She's really thirsty.
Alright, let me do it again.
Here we go.
- Ready?
Yes, and...
Hey Michael, you want to
try it in my butt again?
Yup, I didn't... Moving ahead.
Halley, please.
- Moving ahead!
You want to...
Drunk dial Ryan, cocksucker?
Yeah, that's really funny.
Cut! Cut!
Could you go in there
please and smell her beer?
Yeah, copy that.
I'm ready to go again.
- Alright, flying in...
10-1, everybody.
I'm stepping on to a hot set.
- Wait...
Tracee, what are you doing in the scene?
Come later, you're not in the scene.
I know, I need your prop.
Why? They're my prop.
I know, but I need to take it.
- I'm sorry, honey.
- Halley!
Stop it!
Halley, you hurt me!
You hurt me everyday,
I'm making a movie...
I'm so mad right now.
- Halley, wow...
Everybody's here,
there's too many people...
I don't understand. It's
a closed set, Michael.
Ryan, Ryan... Babe, are you okay?
No, she really hurt me.
Hey, give me some more Rose.
No, no...
- Oh no.
Halley, come on.
Get away!
Something's burning.
It's not good at all.
- I love you guys.
Hola, halo.
Bon giornio.
My name is Halley Feiffer.
And I am not an alcoholic.
I just really love drinking.
Me as a key pronto, because
I'm making a movie and...
My brother and his gay boyfriend...
Told me that I have to come here if i
want to keep being in the movie, so...
Oh and since you're all wondering...
That was me in The
Squid and the Whale...
So please respect my anonymity...
- Yeah.
Do you want a 24 hour coin?
Are they free?
- Oh yeah.
Then definitely.
Passing it really slowly, thank you.
Oh my God.
Natasha Lyonne?
Twin Choice breakout star from
The Slums of Beverly Hills?
That's why it's anonymous.
I'm so sorry.
I will totally respect your anonymity.
Above your American rights.
Alright, why don't we close
out with a serenity prayer?
Pass those back.
I'll do whatever you say.
I'm happy to hear about your dog.
You got a sponsor?
What? No, I never had sex with a woman.
Sorry, I was just enchanted by...
Your volumenece eyelashes
and impressive resume.
What did you ask me?
- Do you have a sponsor?
No, I'm not really an alcoholic.
You look like an alcoholic.
Listen, if you want somebody to
talk to. To answer your questions...
Take you through the steps...
I'd be happy to work with you.
- Yeah.
If you just want to go
grab a drink or something...
Hit me up... Just kidding...
I don't drink anymore.
Anyway, here's my number.
- Is this your agent's number?
That's my cellphone number.
Think you can smoke in here?
Bye guys!
Keep coming back!
I'm talking to you.
Oh my God Ryan, this 12 steps thing...
Is so awesome.
I totally got Natasha Lyonne
from But I Met Cheerleader.
To be my sponsor.
I'm gonna go to every meeting in town...
To find my entire cast. Bye.
Oh God, no.
Oh my Buddha!
THis isn't happening.
Ben! Ben!
Big hug, big hug!
Ben, remember me from Broadway?
Hai Haley...
It's Halley, but you can
call me whatever you want.
How are you? You look so good.
You look so tan.
I heard you have a house there.
Was it nice? Did you go snorkeling?
Anyway, how are you? What are you doing?
Are you on your way to a
meeting? Like a big movie meeting?
What are you meeting about? Greenberg 2?
Do you need someone to fill
in for the Gerwitz girl?
She's so hot right now.
I'm obviously so jealous of her, but...
Just trying to be nice.
Can you go?
- Bye...
Bye, wait, wait...
Real quick.
- What?
It means a lot that
you're talking to me...
Because I really thought you
would never speak to me again...
After I asked you to throw
your hotdog down my hall ways.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I can't do this, you're
too upsetting to me.
Oh, muscles...
Oh, it hurts a little bit...
But in a good way.
Anyway, I just want to say thank
you so much for funding my film...
We're gonna kick ass at Sand Dunes.
What film?
What film? Hello... The Untitled Greenlight
Halley Feiffer Vehicle Promo Trailer Project.
You're executive producer.
Tracee was swiping your card
yesterday at like a KFC..
And we just thank you so much.
We could not have done it without you.
Beep, got your nose.
Sorry, sorry.
Wait a minute, Tracee?
- Yeah, Tracee.
- Yeah.
Tracee, you know Tracee.
I fired Tracee 2 days ago.
I don't understand.
She stole from me.
Of all the streets in New York.
Get your fat ass sorry ass, ass feet...
Down here!
I need to talk to you.
Womano a womano.
Okay, hold down to your
chihuahas, i'll be right down.
Hi, Halley.
How are you?
Wow, you look really pretty.
I know I do.
Now shut your bloated face...
And listen carefully to the words...
Spewing from my silvery lips.
I thought you were mad at me.
How could little old me be mad...
To such a ravishing A-corn...
You secured funding for my film...
By extortinating Ben Stiller.
I have neer seen...
Such ingenuety...
Such resourcefulness...
Such resolved...
The word no...
Does not exist in your dojo.
Taste like fairy dew.
You make our film priority...
Against all odds...
You set your eyes on the prize...
And you didn't let go
until the fat lady sings.
And you don't even know how to sing.
More like Halleywood...
It's all thanks to you.
Let me treat you well...
Can we go upstairs?
I can't.
I just can't.
I can't.
- Yes.
Yes, I can!
You want some coffee?
Do you have half and half?
Just Almond milk.
- That's fine, just 2 spoons.
So, Michael and Ryan said...
We can't resume principle
fotography unless you stop drinking.
Did it, on it, love it.
Natasha Lyonne is my sponsor.
Natasha Lyonne?
SHe was sparkling in
the Efron Sisters...
Love lust and what
i wore off Broadway...
You think she'll be
willing to do our movie?
On it, totally on the burner.
As soon as I finish
my 4 step inventory...
I'm totally gonna ask her to
make a special cameo appereance.
Well, snap snap, girlfriend.
Because we have to start
shooting this kitten wagon...
Before Stiller's lawyers
up and presses charges.
Could we kidnap him?
We only have a little
less than a week...
To finish the trailer, edit it...
And get that bitch postmarked and in
the mail for the Sand Dune peeps in LA.
And I have to shoot it with Ryan?
Actually, I have a little surprise...
Stewing on the stove for you.
Just give me one hot sec.
Driver, this is good.
Sir, I'm just gonna hang in here...
While she runs out and
grabs something real quick.
If that's cool, you can
keep the meter running...
Yeah, that's fine,
take your time. Come on.
Where are you from?
I was a doctor back home, you know?
Could you stop bragging?
it makes me uncomfortable.
Hey, this is jesse.
Leave a message, i'll get back to
you as soon as possible, thanks.
Hey Jesse, it's Halley again.
I was hoping to catch
you on the phone...
So I wouldn't have to
tell you in a message.
I wrote a script and it looks
like Ben Stiller is producing it...
It's very funny...
Gotta run, I'm having a
meeting wtih Stiller right now.
Be safe...
Okay, we're all set.
Take us back home now please. Thank you.
You're crazy!
So, what's this bubbling surprise about?
Turns out Macchio loves books...
We can pressed your family pedegree.
So he agrees to meet with you.
For a half hour about
the movie, tonight.
Let me go!
There, there Stiller.
- Tracee!
Tracee, you're fired. Again!
I know.
I will end you!
Tracee, when/where is
this Macchio meeting...
To occur?
Your pad, 7 tonight.
I gave him the address.
- Perv.
You have to seal the deal.
Thank God I just got
my choochi bedazzled.
I forgot!
I bought this bottle of
champagne for you for tonight.
But Tracee, remember?
I can't drink anymore.
You can deal with your
drinking problem anytime.
But the deadline for the
screenwriter's lab is in a week...
So get your priority straight.
I hate you guys!
What do we do about Ryan?
Oh, he will be so happy...
We got Daniel san to be in your film.
He will totally sacrifice his
role for something so vital.
I am powerful!
I'll hang you!
I'm gonna smack the
freckles of your stupid face.
Good thing you've done all of
that period work, baby girl.
This is for you, mom.
Hey, I'm Ralph.
Wax on...
Wax off.
Wax on...
Wax off.
Let me know if you need
a hand with that wax.
Sensei Macchio.
I have a question for you.
I have both reservoir tip...
ANd none, if that's what you're asking.
It's noted.
But what I want to know... Is it...
Cool if my scene partner
from Austin Penddleton's...
acting class sits on your
couch when we have our meeting?
We're working on
'Streetcar" and I couldn't...
Find a Starbucks in this area, so i...
Is that cool?
Your scene part...
- Is that cool?
Yeah, of course...
Yeah, it can be a party.
I'm Mamie.
- This is Halley Feiffer.
Halley Feiffer.
You're Jesse Eisenberg's friend.
Oh my God, he loves you.
He speaks so highly
of you, we were just...
Pot looking on the vineyard.
I love your outfit.
It's so fun.
So fun.
- Are you...
Is it like a costume party or something?
Ralph, Jesse really...
Wouldn't stop talking.
About Halley while they
were snapping lobster...
He thinks she's awesome.
You should totally do her movie.
What's the part?
You'd play my boyfriend.
Do we get to have sex?
I need to know what to tell
my wife when I bring home STD.
I'm just kidding.
He's so bad.
So bad.
You like me that way.
Cause you're my Blanche.
And I will...
Take you sexually.
But Stanley, you're my husband.
I was just... Being Stella.
Listen, what are you
shooting? Just a short film?
Very short.
Mamie has great taste.
We all enjoy the talent
of a dead gay writer...
So, before we hold you from your costume
party, why don't you give me the script?
Okay, one second.
She's adorable.
- She's so funny.
Look at that.
- Flashy.
ALlright, i'll give it a read.
I promise.
- Right away.
It was really nice to meet you.
Have fun at your party.
- I'll see you.
She's really talented.
- And hot.
Did you see those legs?
Shut up.
Come on.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Good morning.
Good morning, Sean.
What a beautiful day.
Bye dad, thanks for
making yourself scarce.
Good morning everyone.
I've arrived.
I love an early call time.
Good job you.
I can't wait to start shooting.
Guys, where's Tracee? Doesn't
she know she's in the scene?
She's not picking up her phone.
Does anyone have eyes on our director?
I hate Tracee, you know what?
That's okay, I know a better actress
who's much prettier and famouser.
Hi, Natasha. Natasha Lyonne.
Hi, it's Halley. Are you busy right now?
You are?
No no, I'm fine. It's just...
I'm going through a really
rough time, and I might...
I might drink.
Really? thank you so much.
I'll text you the address.
Okay, great. Thank you so much.
Morning, Halley.
You seem rested and perky.
You know, it's just one day at a time.
You're 24 hour coin.
I'm gonna get enough to give one to each
and every member of this fantastic crew.
That's so awesome, Halley.
and I just called Julliard and tell them
that I'm not gonna be returning this fall.
I think this movie is trully
a game changer for us both.
Hey guys, we got to skip...
To the bedroom scene,
because Tracee's not here.
So, could you just get
dressed for that, Halley?
Sure, can we wait like an hour?
No, we cannot wait an hour.
You need to get dressed now.
Oh my God, that mustache. -
You want to touch it? - No.
Director's heading to set.
Come on, Macchio.
Oh yes. Yes...
Are you fully erect?
- Yes.
your penis feels really small.
- Ryan!
I cannot act with you if you're
talking in that stupid voice.
Can you just not tell me how
to interprete my character?
Michael Urie is the director, not you.
- What?
Stop telling Ryan what to do.
Thank you.
Ryan, don't do the accent.
- You don't need to decorate your performance.
Alright guys, focus.
Remember the given circumstances.
- Alright.
It's the last night
of your relationship.
You love each other but you're
tearing each other apart.
Okay, here we go.
And action.
Are you gully erect?
- Yeah.
Your penis feels really small.
- Halley...
What, wait...
Why is there somebody back there?
Who is back there?
Hold, hold!
Shit, I'm sorry.
Is that Ralph Macchio?
Oh my God.
My God...
Cut cut...
Holding, holding...
This is Ralph Macchio.
You might remember this teen
dream from such blockbusters...
As My Cousin Vinny, The Karate Kid...
And the Outsider...
Which he played a young yo yo...
Master Macchio.
This is team Feiffer, go Team!
Hey everyone.
- Hi Ralph.
Can I get some sides?
- Yeah sure.
Here are Ryan's side.
- What are you doing, Halley?
It's Ralph Macchio, let's
call a spade a spade...
I don't understand why
you're so upset about this.
He's Ralph Macchio, he's
famous so he's our real star...
You're not famous, so
you're worth nothing.
What's going on?
technical difficulties. Holding...
- Holding.
Babe, just don't waste your breath.
She's not worth it. She's
clearly mentally ill.
alcoholics are the elite of the mentally ill.
- Hey.
Gay guy from Ugly Betty, I worked with you.
- Hey Ralph.
I can't believe that I trusted you.
I worked really hard on this.
This was gonna be our chance.
My one chance.
You can't make an omelette...
If you don't even have the chicken.
And one day you will be a chicken...
I could promise you that, but...
Right now, you're more like a...
Tiny creamy chikidee thingy...
That was ripped out of the uterus
of a great preteen chicken...
Who shouldn't have been
having a baby anyway.
I can be a chicken.
- Babe, don't waste your breath.
Just let it go.
No, Michael where are you going?
We have a movie to make.
I scored Ralph Macchio...
I scored a bonafide teen hearthrobe.
- Halley...
Celebrities don't make a movie great.
Heart is what makes a movie great.
And you have no heart.
I'm sorry everybody, but that's it.
Sorry for wasting your time, but...
You can go ahead and pack
it up. This movie is wrapped.
What? - Yeah.
- Wrapped?
No, no...
No, that is fine...
We still have Ralph Macchio...
I'll just make my movie with Ralph.
Right, Ralph?
I'll snap you in half.
Did you ever see The Karate
Kid? The action sequence?
Just like that.
Just like that...
- Hot.
You know what, this
is all Tracee's fault.
She's the one ruining
this movie, not me.
It was her idea to replace Ryan with Ralph Macchio.
- Halley!
Tracee, i...
I was in the Squid and the Whale.
So I guess you drink.
Oh my God.
Nata... Wow I can't even believe...
You're here, okay...
Do you think you can
convincingly portrait...
The role of my ex
boyfriend Michael Chernus...
In my movie?
Let's put this thing down, why don't
we go downstairs to have coffee?
Natasha, I don't have time for coffee.
The Sand Dune screenwriter
lab's deadline is in 3 days.
Put the screenwriter's lab on
the back burner for a second.
If you don't want coffee, we could
get you some nice green juice maybe?
Kale smoothie...
- Kale smoothie?
Spinach, lemon ginger...
Some chayenne pepper?
- I don't think so.
I think I rather die.
You keep this shit up, you might die.
What are you... Natasha!
I don't have a drinking problem!
I went to your 12 step meeting...
And you guys were really
nice but a little boring...
And now my break from
drinking is done and I'm fine.
Obviously, look.
I'm drinking, nothing's happening.
So thank you so much for your help.
But just because you
can't drink anymore...
It doesn't mean that I can't.
Is this how you drink?
Do you want to smell the bottle?
Get this shit away from
me, what is wrong with you?
Back in the 90s, I was
supposed to be the Sundance kid.
I was too boozed up.
That's you, I'm different and younger.
We were all younger.
If you want my help...
You know where to find me.
If not, good luck alright?
Break a leg, this is an important movie.
No, Natasha, come on.
I need help.
That's a start.
It's gonna be alright.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
God Ryan, I'm so so sorry.
I never should have replaced
you with Ralph Macchio.
I love you so much.
I think you're so talentd.
I've spent the last 12 hours...
In 12 steps meetings, and...
I've actually stayed.
I've actually listened.
And I really want to change.
I really want to try to stop drinking.
A day at a time.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Will you come with me to Los Angeles?
We can make a pitch to
the Sand Dune people...
And convince them in person as a team...
To make our film.
Our film?
No carbs, I'm a movie star now.
You're so cute.
Alright, let's start packing.
Like right now?
Yeah, we gotta go. the
deadline is in 8 hours.
Yeah, I'm not fucking around.
- Let me take that.
Okay, here's the elevator.
- Okay, press it.
Come on, why is it taking so long?
It's okay Ryan, we can wait.
Why is it taking so long?
- Okay, let's go.
Can you hold the door?
- Hold the door!
Get out of the way, move!
- I need a break.
Let's take a break.
God, I'm so tired.
Are you okay?
Ryan, Ryan...
I think that's Sand Dune.
I think it's right there.
- Where? - Right there.
Let's go.
- Alright, go go...
Can you hold the door?
- Hold the door, hold the door!
Go go...
- I'm gonna leave my suitcase here.
Leave it.
- Hi.
I need water.
- No time for water.
Hi. - Are you
guys okay? - Yeah.
We're here to see the
President of the...
Sand Dunes institute screenwriter
lab of the Sand Dunes institute.
- We have an idea...
What are you talking about?
I was in the...
- She was in the Squid and the Whale!
The Squid and the Whale?
Noah Baumbach's cinematic masterpiece?
Ring ding ding dong.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't recognize you on all four.
Jesse will be so excited to see you.
Jesse Eisenberg, he's our
guest celebrity judge this year.
Oh God... Jesse...
It's like seeing an angel.
Come on, I hate it when
you talk to me like that.
I love it when you tell me
that you hate things that I do.
Okay, why don't you guys get up of the floor?
- No.
We like being on the floor, because
it shows our difference to you.
Jesus Christ, okay.
It's fun down here, right?
Right, how are you doing Ryan?
Hey Jesse, it's really great
to see you. You look handsome.
Thanks, so what are you guys doing here?
I'm sorry I never returned your calls.
Your messages kinda freak me out.
I'm so sorry, I know I freak myself out.
I called you drunk and I make up these
stories about how great I'm doing.
I just want you to think I'm cool.
Obviously I haven't been that cool.
But I really am trying to change.
And part of that change is
taking my life into my own hands.
Please, let us pitch
our movie idea for you.
I don't know.
- Please.
- Please.
- Yeah, please.
Alright, what the hell? It's 5 minutes.
Thank you, Jesse.
- It's like legalized gay marriage, Jesse.
Now, do you have a fling
thrower, 3 teacups, and a company?
3 teacups?
- No, we don't have teacups.
That is fine, we'll do it acapella.
Okay, should I loosen up for this?
- Yeah.
Here we go.
I'm gonna drop you down, ready?
Get down on your knees.
- Okay.
I'm gonna push your head.
- Push it in.
- AAghhh...
5... 6.. and 5... 6.. 7... 8.
We wrote a movie starring both of us.
It's amazing, I play me.
- And I'm Michael Chernus.
There's foot cam and anal...
But before we're through...
In comes Ralph Macchio.
And Urie packs up the crew.
That's a wrap.
Then it's dramatic,
lots of drinking alone.
And my sponsor is Natasha Lyonne.
Jesse, so sorry for
drunk dialing your phone.
We were just hoping you
would throw us a bone.
Tracee got Ben Stiller's
money and he don't like honey.
Crashing the 12 steps...
Bandaged by her paramedics!
Then comes redemption.
Glory as it is.
And that's how it all...
All... -
Works... - Yeah...
Fish her in, fish her in...
Works out!
Vanessa Williams.
That's it.
- Okay, that's it.
Thank you guys.
- Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, I'm completely confused here.
Yeah, me too. I'm not
sure what it is you want.
I don't mean to be dense, but...
What is the movie idea? I don't get it.
Yeah, it's basically about...
A girl in the ballet...
And she has to play 2
different kinds of swans...
And 1 is really nice and
sweet, and the other...
Very dark and sexy. And
how does she play both?
Okay, you're right.
That song has nothing to
do with our movie idea.
No, Ryan's right. Yeah.
Oh my God.
My whole life i've just been...
Trying to do the least
amount of work possible.
Trying to trick people to
give me things I don't deserve.
Again, I don't mean to be obtuse,
but I think we're probably...
Wondering what is the movie?
We don't know.
- We don't know.
We have no idea.
- We are totally unprepared for this meeting.
It really breaks my heart...
Because I have dream
about this moment...
My whole life.
You know what, Ryan? It's okay.
Let's go.
We finally have humility...
Okay, bye Halley thanks a lot. Bye Ryan.
Have a good flight.
So that's it?
Yeah, you're not gonna try to stop us?
No, I think we've got it.
- Thank you.
I'm not sure exactly what we've got...
- Yeah I know.
Sorry, I'm not really sure
what it is you want us to say.
I don't know.
Don't forget your keyboard...
Bye, good luck.
Great energy.
Hey guys, wait up.
Listen, before you go...
For whatever it's worth...
You both seem to have such a..
Unique connection, and I think...
Maybe if you look into that...
You might have an interesting story.
Alright, okay... Thank you Ryan.
Thank you Jesse.
- THanks.
Thank you so much, really
it's time to go now.
Shut up, facebook...
That's cute, thank you.
No no, don't do that.
Okay, hej Halley come here for a second.
I still think you're cool.
Get out of here, scamp.
Michael Chernus...
The last part of my
9th step of amends is...
Something that is really
difficult to tell you.
A year ago, i...
Violated your privacy in a major way.
turning the intimate details
of our lives together...
Into a 10 page screenplay...
And 5 minutes teaser trailer.
I'm so... so sorry.
For betraying your trust this way.
My living amends to you is my sobriety.
In my sobriety I would work
everyday to treat you with...
Respect and dignity.
Okay, wait hold on.
You what?
That's what your movie was?
I'm so sorry.
Well, you certainly did
a lot of fucked up things.
I've spent a lot of time
being angry with you.
After we broke up...
I decided to make a lot
of changes in my life too.
I cleaned up my act...
I got my own place.
And I'm...
Learning to let go of my anger.
I love you.
Always have.
I know that it took guts to
apologize like you just did.
I've never seen that in you before.
Have never seen that in you before.
Your chin.
Your chin.
Cause you shaved.
Cause you...
- Because I shaved, yeah...
I never saw it, yeah...
- You never saw my chin before...
Because there was hair there.
That's funny.
- It was a joke...
It was funny, you just didn't get it.
Wanna get a fro-yo
before your big night?
Yeah. totally.
I totally do.
- Okay.
Come on, you.
You did really like that joke?
You tell a joke? I
thought you quit that.
Just cause you don't drink
doesn't mean you can't tell jokes.
Alright, you got this.
Ryan, my genius brother...
Will you help me make my movie?
- Yes.
So Ryan have to ask you a dire
straight question, right Ryan?
Halley and I have been working
on a new screenplay idea...
It's more like a comment on real life.
Do you be into directing it?
The Untitled Greenlight Halley Feiffer
Vehicle Promo Trailer Project...
I'm ready to go again, now.
Alright guys, focus.
Halley, I need to take your prop.
- What, no Tracee!
Whoopsie Daisy...
You're such an idiot, I remember.
Wait Tracee, get me some more Rose...
No, no. Cut. That's a wrap.
The movie's over, you
can pack up your gear.
Take off, we're done here.
We wanted to make it more
like Capturing the Freidman...
So we added some mysterious eroticm.
Ryan, why are you calling me mom?
I'm really worried about
my feelings towards Halley.
It turns sexual.
Ryan, who's Halley?
And where is Michael?
I love her, mummy.
What's that thing on my face?
Get that camera off my face!
That's Vanessa Williams.
It is i...
World famous saturist...
Jules Feiffer.
Hey dad.
- Hi dad.
What are you doing? This is incest.
The last taboo!
You are besmerching...
The Feiffer kingdom, you
two should kill yourselves.
He's really good, isn't he?
You two should kill yourselves!
Halley, I love you.
I know.
Oh my God.
We're so hard.
So awesome!
We're so good!
So good!
Yes, we are!
We're so good!
- Yes, we are!
Yes yes yes...
- Us us us...
Us us us...
I love us so much.
We are so vital.
I'm Michael Ausiello for TVline.com.
We're here at the premier
of Capturing the Feiffer.
Let's get the reaction. Hi how
was the movie? - Get off me!
Hi, how was the movie?
Reaction to the movie?
Hey, what did you think of the movie?
- I'm gonna throw up.
What did you think of the movie? -
It's sick. - reaction to the movie?
Reaction? - No. - Hi,
reaction to the movie?
2 thumbs up your ass...
In another entertainment news,
Ben Stiller is still missing.