Hickey (2017) Movie Script

- Boo!
- Carly!
What are you doing here?
Just a little light reading.
Are you a fan of Euclid?
Was Pythagoras into triangles?
What are you...
Damn it, Hercules.
Leave! Go, go, go, go.
Yup, that's my family, or was.
If all the world's a stage,
then my mom's the star.
Look, I know she means well,
I just wish her spotlight
wasn't always so close to me.
- How did you do that?
- You're welcome.
I did not know
how to turn that on.
- Turn the knob, mom.
- Yeah, okay.
I thought you were gonna
take those pictures down.
Oh, yeah.
I'll get to it soon.
No big deal.
- Okay.
- Wait!
- Where you going?
- I'm late.
I made homemade jam.
CY Epstein here, owner of CY's.
Home of the greatest selection
of new and used car stereos
and old audio equipment
in all of Southern California.
From speakers to nad, Bluetooth
and even musical equipment.
If you can't find it at CY's,
you can't find it.
And don't forget to check out
our Venice location.
Home of the one and only
consignment mountain.
Wow, I might be
the first guy in history
to ever stay home
for a not-girlfriend.
That's really...
That's really funny.
You should tweet that.
Jeremy, my best friend,
we met in fourth grade,
and formed a candy cartel.
I was the brains
and he was the distribution.
We made $11 cash.
Is it the sex thing?
'Cause it's so not a big deal.
- Girls like virgins.
- Clearly.
I can only help so much.
Whatever your problem is, you're
behaving like a real vagina.
And how is that?
By giving birth?
Creating a pathway
for menstrual blood
of just self cleansing?
Vaginas are cool.
Oh, right, Carly.
She's smart, funny,
and a great musician,
even if she doesn't always
believe in herself.
I've heard people say
that she's really pretty,
so, that too, I guess.
When your mom turns 40,
do you think you'll have
to stop jerking off to her?
You know that line
we talked about?
That's crossing it.
Good morning, teach.
Hey, morning, Ryan.
You know, black viper has 25...
350 watts, four to 3,000 hertz.
Mr. Ramsdell, my favorite
teacher of all time.
He's been here all summer
checking out the black viper,
but never even turns it on.
I guess he's going through a
late-life crisis, or something.
That's correct.
- Orientation's next week, right?
- Yes.
You're gonna love
Boston in the fall.
Jeannie went to grad school
there after we got married.
Did I mention that to you?
You did.
You did.
Good talk.
Good talk.
Until he came along
in ninth grade,
I was the undisputed heavy
weight champion of the nerds.
I kind of told him
that if I went to UCLA
we could be roommates.
I thought he wasn't listening.
He was.
Oh, Derek, what the hell!
- What are you doing?
- Gettin' my blade on, roomie.
By the time school starts,
I'm gonna be a master.
You're not really going
to m.I.T, are you?
You'd better tell me now,
or I'm gonna get totally hosed
on the roommate sitch, dude.
Do not f me, Ryan.
I will not f you, Derek.
I just want five bucks.
- Thank you.
- All right.
- Go!
- Hey.
- Good morning, Ryan.
- Hey, Gary, hey.
That's Gary, my boss.
He can fix toasters.
Not sure why, but he can.
divided by 16.
Henry, our security guard.
He was a champion prize fighter,
but a bad blow to the eye
sent him into early retirement.
He's been working
at the store for 30 years,
which is pretty much
the definition of bad luck.
Uh, 286.81.
Good morning, honey.
Ellen, she scares
the fuck out of me.
She wants to be a vet, I think,
but I wouldn't let her
anywhere near animals.
Or people.
I'd give you a hand job
with my eyes open
if it meant you never
speak to me again.
Throw in a warm moist towel,
and you've got a deal.
Okay, I'm done talking now.
You'll figure out who everyone else is.
I promise.
Wow, you really brought
your a-game today.
I'm not gonna lie,
it does feel good.
You've been practicing.
Oh, my god,
you have been practicing!
What, did you, like,
buy a book or something?
- You did!
- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- Oh, okay.
- Hi.
That is fantastic.
He never cared about...
Hey, keep playing, Ryan.
We're dancing over here.
You know, he bought a book?
- Did he?
- Yeah.
He's getting so good.
Did you teach him?
Thanks... thanks
for lunch, mom.
Oh, have fun.
See you tonight.
- Bye.
- Bye Mrs. chess.
Oh, it's snusz now.
I'm gonna go clock in
and then when I come back
he'll probably have
forgotten this, right?
- Unlikely.
- That's what I thought.
Don't forget your lunch.
Thanks, mom.
Why do they call him the hawk?
The dude is magic
with the ladies.
Met a girl at
a bachelorette party,
they ended up dating
for six months.
The girl was the bachelorette.
"Sale psych 101"?
- Did you read this?
- Carly did.
She swears by it.
Brady gave it to her
as a love present.
Girls like Carly don't get
with guys like Brady.
All girls wanna get
with a guy like Brady.
They can't help themselves.
It's the flight
or fuck response.
Isn't that right, sweetie?
Thought I got something...
Thank you.
- Good friend, Jeremy.
- I know.
- Good friend.
- I know.
This program sucks!
Oh. Sorry.
- I never get these.
- Huh?
I never get these.
It must be a lucky day for you.
You never know.
Can't be!
Brady, yes,
I received the package.
What? What?
I can't hear you.
Batting cages?
Okay, bye.
I'm up.
"Dear team, it is with much
regret that we are announcing
the immediate closure
of branch 11.
But please understand
this is a business
and not a personal decision,
and was based
on your store's failure
to meet its goals
for q3, i..."
what the hell!
- As in, like?
- Today.
Brady's on his way here.
Well, just because we didn't
hit our numbers?
Yeah, when have we ever
hit our numbers?
What about severance?
It says a week for every year
you've been here.
A week?
That's not gonna pay
for my tuition.
What the hell
am I supposed to do now?
I can't believe it.
I'm so screwed.
I mean, Jesus, I have to
move back to Camarillo.
Great outlet stores.
Almost 50% off essential oils
at the bath
and body works there.
I... I heard.
Are you hiring?
Then, no, I can't hold.
Brady sets the goal the quarter.
He knew that these numbers
were impossible.
Oh, it's possible, if we cared.
Or if we sold everything
in the store.
Ooh, he shouldn't do that.
Ligamentous laxity can lead
to early onset of arthritis.
Oh my gosh, look at all
these serial numbers.
'Sup big snot?
Ass breath, what's going
on with you, brother.
Whoa! That dorm is huge.
How many bitches does it hold?
It doesn't really specify.
I should've went to college.
- It's a pussy factory.
- What about boobs?
Are they made in a completely
separate facility?
Huh, what? Dude, you gotta
take me with you, bro.
I'll show you
how to do this, man.
I'll wingman your shit.
Better yet, you can
wingman mine.
- For serious.
- Okay.
Bobby, is there something
I can help you with?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I gotta big fight tonight.
Handle that for me, would ya?
Thank you, brother.
- Enjoy yourself.
- Mm-hmm.
Inventory's up to date,
and sales?
I believe so. Brady created
this cloud server thing
to store all our accounting.
I could swear we've done
way more in repair sales.
So, our highest mark up is on the
in dash LCD displays, right?
And the black viper, of course.
Why? What's on your mind?
Well, if we decrease costs
by 35% across the board
and then increase
volume by 289%,
we could do this.
Uh, do what?
Hit out number.
Save the store.
That would be enough money?
No, not quite,
we have to sell
consignment mountain.
Are you kidding me, Gary?
Gary! Gary!
Come on, Ryan, we'd have
to sell more in one day
than we have all quarter.
- Who's gonna do that? You?
- Yeah, why not?
The only person that can sell
like that is Brady.
And he's coming down here
to close the store,
not keep it open.
Gary, a year ago
this place was dying.
Okay? And the mountain
and repair was your idea.
And it was a great idea.
- Was it, Ryan?
- Yes.
Look around.
This place is a mess.
Is this really where you'd come
to buy high end electronics?
I don't think so.
Oh, hi!
Enrollment ends tomorrow?
Right. Right.
Yeah, yeah, I knew that.
I knew that.
Yeah, uh, thank you
for your call.
Well, shit.
Hey! Hey are you...
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
You smell funny.
Where you...
Where you going?
To clean out my locker.
So, so that's it?
What else is there?
Because we're not closing.
Okay? I did the math,
and we could still do this
together we can sell enough
to hit our number.
Like, Ellen, you are
our secret weapon.
I mean, nobody
expects you coming,
but then you're there and boom,
- you're unstoppable.
- Have you met me?
I've never sold
anything in my life.
And Jeremy, you are
an amazing installer.
You're fast, efficient,
There's so much more
that you're capable of.
You'd be a great seller, too.
And Carly, you are like
a force of nature.
I mean, you're
the strongest seller
that this store's ever seen.
And you know I'm right.
That may be, but what are you
gonna do about it, boy wonder?
Me? I'll sell, too.
I wish to god
I had another option.
You can count on us.
Carly, please.
I need you.
We need you.
Fine, I'm in.
So... we're all in.
- Radio Raheem, what's up?
- Oh, hey,
um, we're having a sale.
- This is my corner, bitch.
- Excuse me?
From the taco stand to the vet,
this is my turf.
Yeah, it's thick cardboard,
isn't it?
Property rentals and car audio
are two completely
different industries.
We're not even competing.
I said, "now."
No, I'm staying.
Did you just hit me?
- No,
- oh, shit.
- You did not just hit me
- no, no, I didn't hit you.
- I'm not your sister, you little shit.
- What is up with you?
- Ah, ah! -Yeah, you didn't
know you were gonna get
a fuckin' banana up you ass
this morning, did you?
What's wrong with you?
Dude, what the hell
happened to you?
All right, lay this out for me.
We save the store,
Carly sticks around,
and you get to keep on
not asking her out?
I'm not gonna rush
into anything, okay?
And everyone's still in shock.
This isn't 'Nam, dude.
I'm funny, right?
Where is everybody?
At home, getting baked.
No. No, no, no, no,
they're not home.
Okay, Ellen, call the slice
in about a half an hour
and order as many
pizzas as you can.
I'm sorry. We're gonna have
to pass on that project,
but we're huge fans,
so please stay in touch.
Please, Ellen.
Thank you.
Come on.
What are we doing here?
We need cards to get
into the pot store.
And why would we want
to get into the pot store?
Because stoners are notoriously
poor decision makers.
And buy shit
they don't need. Genius.
I know.
You're stoned.
No, I'm not.
You are so stoned.
All right, I'm ready
for Mr. Ryan and Mr. Jeremy.
- What?
- Nothing.
So you've been having
trouble sleeping.
How long has this been going on?
About a year.
Sorry to hear that.
And, uh, you, migraines.
Have you tried any medication?
To no avail.
I believe that.
All right, boys, I'm sorry
for your problems.
Hopefully this
medicine will help.
So, we're good to go?
Jews for Jesus?
Are you serious?
Give it a read.
Why are you giving this to me?
I'm not even Jewish.
Well, I don't know.
You're smart, ambitious,
have an unusually close
relationship with your mother.
It's kind of Jew-ish.
You know what? Forget it.
We don't want these.
Dude, chill.
We need this.
We don't have time for this.
Don't you see
what's going on here?
- This guy's pot comes with a price.
- No, it does not.
The good doctor just gave us
some nice literature.
Isn't that right,
Dr. Brownstein?
Did you know that Paul
was educated
by one of the most eminent
pharisaic rabbis of his time?
That's not helping.
Boys, listen, I'm not trying
to push anything on you.
I'm just trying to open
your mind to the possibilities.
So, if you would indulge me,
and take a seat,
I'm gonna...
Take a seat.
Here, have a little matzos.
On me.
You'll enjoy it.
Hot matzos?
It's strong, so be careful.
Break it into little pieces
before you take some.
Now sit back, relax, and
let me open up your world
to Jewish Jesus.
Hello, disciples.
Oh, I didn't know
Jesus could fly.
There's a lot you don't
know about Jesus.
For instance, did you
know Jews are for me?
You mean, Jews for Jesus?
He's crazy, man.
How in the hell
is pizza going to help?
I'm sure Ryan has a plan.
You know how smart he is.
That is so cute. You taught
your lady parts how to speak.
What is wrong with you?
Oh, please, he's so into you,
like you don't know?
Stick to the plan.
Hey, how's it going?
Do you like pizzas?
You should buy it...
Before the others do.
- Where you going?
- You got this.
Oh, I got it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, can you help me?
- Uh, yeah, sure.
I'd like a new
n-LCD receiver.
Any particular model?
Yes, the Kenwood dnx570tr.
How much is that?
- That's $1099, but...
- Sold!
- Okay. Awesome.
- Okay. Let's go.
Okay, sweet.
I know. You can't start
it up if you want.
- I'm good.
- Okay...
All right.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Have a good one, guys.
That's 1-2.
Is this your boy?
Yeah, we're supposed
to be roommates.
Yeah, I figured.
I know. I know.
- I know you do.
- I know you know I know.
Yeah, I know you know I know.
Hey, mom.
Where have you been?
All right, you...
Oh, honey, thank god.
It's stuck.
You said it was an emergency.
It is. It's heavy,
I can't get it down.
Oh, thank you.
Your father was really
good at this kind of stuff.
He could fix anything.
You said he was useless
with a tool box.
I don't remember saying that.
Look, I really gotta
get back to work.
- It's crazy.
- I know. Gary told me.
When did you speak with Gary?
Oh, I was at the coffee shop,
coming in while he was
going out,
and he told me
what you're doing there
- and I think it's really great.
- Okay.
- Why don't you tell
me about it.
- I'll make a sandwich for us. -Look,
I really gotta go, mom. I'm sorry.
Told ya.
It's a mating call.
Thanks. Dr. Goodall.
- She loves me.
- Clearly.
Where were you?
Oh, I had to run home.
For what?
There was an emergency
with the alarm,
so I had to fix it.
I mean, everything's moving
doing well here, isn't it?
Hey, I sold eight sets of
speakers, two window tintings
and a neon undercarriage
lighting package.
- Oh.
- Your turn.
- Wait.
- Yeah?
What's your plan?
Well, you know, besides
my winning personality
and my good looks,
that's pretty much it.
How about an LP?
Is that like a Scientology term?
Like... like the tan or...
No, no, an LP is a way
of subtly changing
the way you speak
as a means of persuasion.
No matter what
the customer says,
- always agree with them.
- Even if they're wrong?
Are you using an LP
on me right now?
Never mind.
Look, it worked when Brady
taught it to me.
Wait, I got a better idea.
- Like what?
- Like an auction.
Uh, sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen,
step right up
and let the bidding begin.
This authentic Chinese
surge protector
grounds ac with a triple
patented combination
of six regular outlets.
Wow. Do I hear $50?
Everything's already 35% off.
Fair enough.
Do I hear 25?
Okay, guys, I get it, I get it.
Times are tough, okay?
First person who
bids will win a...
A dance with me.
Slow dance?
Like a turtle.
I'm in.
- Okay.
- And Ellen.
Hey, why don't we play
one of your songs?
I don't have
any of mine with me.
Wow! You're so good
with computers, Ryan.
Oh, why, thank you, Carly.
Hey, we should get
coffee sometime.
Oh, my god, I would, like,
totally love that.
Hey, thirsty?
Uh, yeah, sure.
"Balls to the walls.
- Bolivian energy drink
of the gods." -Hmm.
Didn't Brady say Jeremy
couldn't store
his pyramid schemes
here anymore?
So, Brady, yeah, as a friend,
do you, like, talk and stuff?
Not bad.
- Want some?
- Nah, no, I'm good, thanks.
So sometimes it's...
Mainly work stuff I imagine.
That's cool.
Nah, we bone.
I mean, not all the time.
Sometimes it's just
like a quick BJ after work.
You know, if he's tired,
I'll just give him
like, a sad hand job
or something.
I'm kidding!
- Oh, my god.
- Right, right.
You should have seen your face.
You really don't understand
sarcasm, do you?
Well, no, I knew that.
I knew that.
I was...
I was judo kidding.
So zinger...
Is on you.
- It stings. -Burns a
little bit, doesn't it?
What did mama bear pack you?
Let's see what we got here.
- Aw, peanut butter and jelly.
- Yup.
She even cut the crusts off.
- Yeah, she did, didn't she?
- You know what they say
about guys who have better
relationships with their mom?
They make the best boyfriends.
You're gonna be a heartbreaker.
Mary's prayer.
I... I love this song.
I actually won a contest
playing it when I was a kid.
On the mall circuit?
Oh, my god.
- Twice.
- Mm-hmm.
It was my dad's idea.
That's... that's like...
That's pretty cool.
Oh, god.
All right, your turn.
- Spill.
- What?
Tell me something about you
that nobody else knows.
It'll never leave this room.
So when do you leave?
I, uh, I don't...
I don't really know.
I haven't decided yet, so...
a great school, Ryan.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
totally totally,
but UCLA is great, too.
Actually, polls say
it's one of the top five
in the country, so...
But m.I.T. Gave you
a full scholarship.
Yes, but i...
I applied to UCLA late,
So what's keeping you here?
The climate.
You know it's nice, but,
then, if it gets too nice
- you can go to big bear.
- I should get back to work.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I'll be right there,
I just... you know.
Holy shit.
Did you guys just?
Bone? In the parking lot?
In broad daylight midday?
Yes. Yes, we did.
I knew it.
Has anybody seen my thumb drive?
- G-man!
- B-czar.
So sorry, buddy. I wish it
didn't have to be like this.
I know.
Hank, my man!
It's been way too long.
You're looking fit, champ!
Catch you guys inside.
Looking for this?
My drive!
I thought i... well, what
were you doing with it?
Well, I knew you were having
trouble with that song,
- so I just... i just thought...
- you thought what?
You thought you'd steal
it, reprogram it,
give it back
and I'd be grateful?
Well, when you put it that way
it doesn't sound
so good, does it?
No, it does not.
Brady! What are you
doing here?
Gary said you guys
were making a run at it.
I thought I'd come by and
see if I couldn't pitch in.
- Is that okay? -Are you kidding?
That's amazing.
You must be Ryan,
heard a lot about you.
Gary says you're the smartest
kid he's ever hired.
Ow! Mother...
Okay, I'm sorry,
but I gotta ask,
that nickname of yours,
"hickey," is it true?
Uh, uh, is...
Is what true?
You know, that you used
to give 'em to yourself
to convince people
you had a girlfriend.
I was a 13-year-old kid.
Yeah, but, 13's kind of more
of a teenager,
wouldn't you say?
Young adult, actually.
Hell, in Jeremy's culture,
you'd already
be considered a man.
What culture is that?
And then you pushed me
in the pool.
I didn't push you
in the pool, okay?
I bumped into you and it's
not my fault your clumsy.
Besides, I still
got a job, so...
- the joke's on you. -I
totally forgot about that.
- What a blast. -Yeah, the little
I can remember, at least.
Hey, you guys.
Hey, I'll get out of your way.
- Toaster?
- It's silly, I know, but...
It'll only take me
a couple of minutes to fix,
and if I can sell it,
we'd actually make
a couple bucks.
What's so funny?
I just don't get it.
I mean, you had all month
to hit your numbers.
Why the hail Mary?
Why not take a shot, right?
All right, gar.
These were...
These were big.
This is a generic.
These were big in the '90s.
They don't break.
I mean, they broke,
but they're easy to fix.
Look, I said I'm sorry.
And I said apology accepted.
It's fine.
- Hi, Ryan! -Hey, Shirley,
is everything okay?
- The receiver is marvelous.
- Perfect.
- The resolution is crystal clear.
- Awesome.
Now I've got my eye
on a new amp to go with it.
I'm thinking of a JBL.
Wow! Are you sure
that's the one you want?
It's a tad bit pricey.
Mom? What are you doing?
We're gonna need to return
the receiver that she bought.
Oh, it's a sale,
so, everything's final.
Yeah, no, I know,
it's just, um...
She's not well,
and, um, she saw this on a show
and was obsessed with it.
Do you watch any
day time game shows?
No, not really, so, sorry.
Wondering what's behind
that next curtain?
Well, it all could be yours,
if you're the next
contestant on...
"The price is right."
"The price is right."
Ding ding ding ding...
Yeah, ding, ding, ding...
- Ding, mama, yeah.
- Ding, ding, ding, ding.
- I wanna adopt Ryan.
- Okay, we'll do that.
We'll get on the...
Start on the paperwork.
- Okay.
- All right.
He'll be your little brother.
We can get bunk beds.
You almost done with that, Ryan?
- Thanks, buddy.
- Oh, you're welcome.
Come on down!
Come on down this way.
Don't take her ice cream
away ever, she bites.
Come on!
We're gonna do this!
- Go for it!
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
Let's get this. He's not
getting away with this.
Elbow titty's real.
Like, I feel it.
You are so dead.
Oh! Hello, hickey.
- Nice to see you.
- What do you want, Berger?
Oh, I'm just here to repay the visit.
You know it.
I bet you heard all about
Jeremy's little jaunt
to see us this morning.
Can't say that I did.
Well, then, here,
let me show you.
Take a look at that.
That's my store.
See him?
You shat in a toaster?
It's not funny, lady boy.
I mean, I don't know when my
customers are gonna come back.
I... I am totally
pressing charges.
Let's go.
No, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
Hey, what do you want?
Oh, you know what I want.
Come on, man.
I don't even remember it.
Okay, then, never mind.
Come on, boys!
Son of a bitch.
I used to own a leather jacket
that got ruined in the rain.
No, no, no, you have
to do the voice.
You totally have
to do the voice.
Or no deal.
What is this?
Sixth grade talent show act.
I hate these guys.
Aren't cows outside
a lot of the time?
When it stops raining
do they run to the farm house,
"let us in?"
We're in leather.
Hey, who is that?
- Seinfeld?
- Open up the door,
- it's the only outfit we've got!
- I'm outta here.
No wonder this store
is doing so well.
Laugh factory here
cares more about his bit
than helping customers.
Really, you shouldn't do that.
It's terrible for your teeth.
How did you get
to be so charming?
Oh, my mom breastfed me
until I was 12.
- 13 would have been weird.
- So weird.
Was he really that good
of a baseball player?
A natural.
Then why didn't he go pro?
The only thing Brady
cares about is Brady.
Gary should have been
regional manager.
He has a lot of great ideas.
Brady didn't want
none of them to work.
- He wants to fail. Unbelievable.
- Right.
I didn't say that.
Hey! Carly, can I talk to you
for a second, in private?
Oh, what's with the secrets,
gossip girl?
No secrets, I was just gonna tell
Carly why you're really here.
Oh, go ahead.
I love a good yarn.
Okay. Brady's here
to make sure we fail.
Isn't that right, hawk?
Ryan, what are you
talking about?
Please, is old man Aesop
telling fables again?
What kinda sense does that make?
Okay, fine.
So what have you done to help?
Game on.
Uh. Come on.
You don't want those, bro.
Excuse me?
And why don't I want those?
1,900 bucks?
I mean, even with the sale,
that's pretty steep.
I'm sorry, don't you work here?
I do, but I couldn't sit by
and watch you make
such a terrible decision.
Nice, right? And only
a third of the price.
Oh, those are tiny.
Perfect for talk radio, sports.
Yeah, I don't know.
That pairs great
for music lovers.
Really isolates
the instruments and vocals,
but I'm kind of a musical
theater geek, so...
Really? Oh, I was just
listening to "gypsy"
on the way over here.
Broadway production
or west end revival?
West end? Oh, my god,
Imelda Staunton, right?
- It pains me that she's only
known for Harry Potter films.
Oh, it's a crime.
And what kind of vehicle
are you driving in?
- A Miata.
- Naturally.
- I love that car. I love it.
- Who doesn't?
My first girlfriend...
You've been really helpful.
Apology accepted.
Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to speak to Carly.
In private.
"In private."
Wow! Looks like CY
is treating someone right.
As he should.
I'm the only one around
here with any vision.
Without me the whole chain
would go belly up.
So, what did you want
to talk to me about?
Twice the pay,
15% more commission,
and three weeks paid vacation.
The assistant manager position.
I'm offering you
at the San Diego shop.
You're welcome.
- God, Ryan was right.
- Hold on.
That's not true.
Think about it.
The more money this store
makes, the more I make.
Why would I want you
to close if I'm making money?
It doesn't make sense.
Can you blame me
for trying to hold on
to my number one seller?
I know how much
your music means to you,
but without the money
to finish your studio
you'll never put out a song,
and you know it.
"Foot in the door.
Getting a customer
to agree to a large purchase
after agreeing
to a modest one."
That's a pretty sweet
Blu-ray player.
You know what would
look great on it?
"Cat eats banana ii"?
You know, or...
You ever see that video
of that guy sneaking up
on that calico by the pool?
It's like this cat's
like, "what?"
And the guy's like,
It slays me every time.
Uh, uh, well, yeah,
with the 1080i on this...
Here you go, thanks, man.
Wait, what are you,
what are you doing?
This is gonna be great, man.
Thanks, you made my day.
- What?
- Apprec...
This was just the foot.
- What's your problem?
- You.
You are my problem, Ryan.
Look at me.
I bust my ass at this shitty job
in this lousy store,
just so I can afford
half a semester
at veterinary school.
But it's always a big joke
to you, isn't it?
You got a full ride
to m.I.T.,
yet you choose to stay here.
How the hell do you think
that makes me feel?
You're my problem, Ryan,
because every time
I look at you I'm reminded
of just how easy it is
for some people.
Screw you.
Whoa! We're never
gonna make it.
This whole idea was stupid.
Dude, what is your deal?
M.I.T. Has been your dream
school since forever
and now it's happening.
What are you so afraid of?
I'm not afraid of anything.
What are you doing?
- What are you... what are you doing?
- We all have secrets.
We are all afraid of something.
You're my best friend, Ryan,
and I'm willing to do whatever
it takes to help you.
Oh, oh, my god.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, oh, my god!
Where is the other one?
It's called
cryptorchidism, Ryan.
It's an undescended testicle,
and it's who I am.
Well, well, well,
put it away, okay?
No. You need to see this.
- It can't hurt you.
- It is hurting me.
I'm just being
more open with you,
and it's about time
that you did the same.
You think by showing
me your ball,
I'm gonna have some epiphany
about my life?
No. For that, I think
you need to show me your...
No! No, no, no, no!
Fine! Don't.
I'll just have to tell Carly
she's the real reason
you're sticking around.
You wouldn't dare.
You know me.
Of course, I would.
What the hell is wrong with you?
You son of a bitch.
- Whoa.
- What?
Nothing, it's nice.
- Girthier than I imagined.
- You imagined it?
- The way a friend does.
- That's not a thing.
Well, aren't you going
to compliment mine?
Uh... it looks sensitive.
Oh, Ryan!
Ryan, how's it going?
What are you doing?
Oh, it's just, uh,
checking out...
No, no, not with the car.
- With your life?
- Excuse me?
Everyday, everyday
all summer long
you've been here.
You clearly love this car, and
yet you never even turn it on.
- You don't understand yet.
- Okay, than tell me!
Help me understand!
I mean teach me
something, damn it,
because this doesn't
make any sense.
I miss her.
You know, i...
When she was dying,
I'd come here in the morning
and spend all day
just kicking the tires.
I'd go home at night, tell
her everything I'd learned,
she'd just...
She'd just laugh at me,
tell me how silly I was.
I was... I was silly.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Funny thing is,
after she was gone,
I just kept coming
back here, you know?
It reminds me of her.
It reminds me of her.
I miss her, too.
- I'll take it.
- What?
I want it! I do!
I really want it.
Thank you! Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my god!
Oh, you have no idea
how much I needed this.
The sale or the hug?
Wait for it, wait for it.
- There it is.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Come on, come on!
Oh, my god.
He did it.
Hmm. Must be a glitch.
Run it again.
That's odd.
I'm sorry, do you
have another card?
No, no, that's...
That's my credit union.
I was just there yesterday.
I... I don't understand.
Maybe it's more
than my daily limit, i...
Ryan, I am so sorry.
Hey, no worries.
Why don't you come down to our
San Diego shop next week.
Bring a check, and I'll let you
have it for the same price
with free delivery.
Just ask for Carly.
- You took a job?
- No.
- With him?
- I don't know. Maybe.
Where's Gary?
Does he know about this?
Sorry, the only person
with the authority
to save this place now is CY.
It's out of my hands.
But come on, Hickster,
you're a smart kid,
what the hell are you
doing here anyways?
Oh, shit.
I knew it.
You're into her.
I should have bet somebody.
You know what,
you're right, hawk.
There's nothing here
for me anymore, okay?
I quit.
Brady Krane, regional manager.
Is that Navajo?
- Ryan, wait.
- Leave me alone.
What did I do?
You set me up. Okay, you
built up my confidence.
Oh, how terrible of me.
I didn't do anything.
You're the one who made a complete
ass of yourself in there.
Fine, but between
your pyramid schemes
and your stupid jobs, what have
you ever made for yourself.
Well, screw you, Ryan,
I just showed you my dong.
You know, for a genius,
you can be a real idiot.
What is that supposed to mean?
Well, do you think
it's a coincidence
that your parents waited until
senior year to get divorced?
They stuck it out for you.
- You shut up. -You
know what, I'm sorry.
I thought this was about
Carly, but it's not.
You and your mom have become
totally codependent.
I fucking hate you.
You're an asshole.
Oh, my god, what happened?
Oh, look, Dr. Dolittle
suddenly cares about people.
You have got to be shitting me.
It slipped.
No, shit. That's coming
out of your paycheck.
I can't afford that.
Hmm. Neither can I.
Please clock out and leave, Henry.
You're fired.
What about my severance?
What about it?
God damn it, Henry.
Henry, what the hell
are you doing?
Did you not even see me there?
What I finished boxing,
nobody told me I was done.
I left on my own terms.
Did Brady fire you
because of what you told me?
Because he can't do that.
It was nice knowing you, Ryan.
You take care.
I can't believe
you didn't say anything.
It's not like
I'm happy about it.
Yeah, well...
Well, if I didn't know better,
I'd think you were into him.
Please, it was one kiss.
You kissed him?
It was a year ago, maybe more.
Okay, he just like
offered me the job,
and we'd had a few
too many drinks, and...
What am I telling you for?
I don't know, beats me.
Just hurry up.
Okay, not that it's
any of your business,
- but at least now I can finish my studio.
- Right, right.
Like nobody's ever made music
without a studio.
What's that supposed to mean?
It's textbook fear of failure.
Wow, is that what they
taught you at m.I.T.?
Oh, wait, you were
too scared to go.
- God, you don't get it!
- Textbook fear of failure.
Do you? God, Carly, the
whole reason why I'm here
is because I'm in love with you.
Well, you should have
picked a better reason,
because that's a terrible one.
Damn it, Ryan.
It's the bottom of the eighth
and there's two outs.
That's a high pop
to shallow center.
That should end the game.
Wait! Wait!
What's Brady Krane doing?
I'm sorry about all this, guys.
I really am.
If you ever need a referral
or recommendation,
just let me know, okay?
That's it?
Dude, you need
a better speech writer.
What more do you want?
Mean it.
Come again.
You could at least throw us
a party or something.
A party? What do you think
this is, a quinceaera?
I'm not Mexican.
Yeah, right.
So, where, exactly,
would we have said party?
With a keg.
And music.
Fine. In the installation
bay, and only a few people.
- You hear me?
- Okay, absolutely.
Thank you, sir.
Mom? Oh, my god! Gary!
Gary, Gary, what the hell?
Relax, honey, it's just art.
Is this what you have
been doing all day?
It's not what it looks like.
It is exactly
what it looks like.
I'm going to go back to work.
Why? To fix more junk?
Don't bother. Brady already
took care of that.
Ryan, that's enough!
- Why now?
- What?
Gary, it's nothing...
I'm not talking about Gary, mom.
You and dad were
miserable for years,
why wait until now
to get a divorce?
Did you really think
that I would feel so guilty
about leaving you alone,
that I just wouldn't go?
Well, guess what, mom...
Good work.
I'm still here.
I am so sorry.
Ryan, you're my only son
and I love you
more than anything
in the whole world,
but I would never hold you back.
Rivers belong
where they can ramble.
Eagles belong
where they can fly.
That's from "pippin," mom.
Doesn't mean it's not true.
Damn you and your stupid
show tune wisdom.
- Steven!
- Carly!
- What's going on?
- How you doing?
What's you got for me?
Sorry, dog, it's not ready.
Check back in a few months.
Actually, I think
it's pretty good.
Right on.
I hope you have
a back up for that.
Yo, make some noise
for my girl, Carly!
Yo, man, I totally get why
you wanna stay here, man.
M.I.T.'s totally played out.
M.I.T. Is one of the finest
private research universities
in the world.
Their polytechnic model
has set a global standard
in applied sciences
and engineering.
As of 2014, they have produced
81 Nobel laureates,
52 national medal
of science recipients,
and 38 MacArthur fellows,
so it is totally not played out.
Okay? And i...
Belong there.
Listen, Ryan, I'm not sure
what the future holds
for either one of us, man,
but I know yours
isn't here, dude.
I love you and I'm proud of you.
You gotta go.
Thanks, man.
It's cream soda.
I was recording that.
I'm gonna save this now.
- This is great.
- Thank you.
Check you out.
I can't believe it.
It actually didn't
sound terrible.
Well, this calls
for a little celebration.
How about a bottle of '79 Dom?
If they don't have it,
will a bud light do?
Even better.
Ugh! They gonna play
this oomph-oomph shit all night?
Oh, like the music the girl
you're hitting on makes?
Aww. Are you sad I stole her
from your little friend?
You guys are hilarious.
Do you really think
that a guy like Ryan
stands a chance
with a girl like Carly?
A guy like Ryan stands
a chance with whoever
- or whatever he wants.
- You're so cute.
Wish I had a little
Jeremy pillow pet
so we could cuddle
all night long.
And I wish I had a tube sock
with your face on it,
so I could spray semen
down your cottonflo.
I think I'm falling
in hate with you.
I did not see that coming.
Neither did I.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
Just thinking about old times.
Good times.
Brady, are you hiring me
because I'm a good employee,
or because you wanna
hook up with me?
Do I have to choose?
Excuse me, that's it.
You made it.
Can I talk to you for a second?
This again? Dude,
the street lights are on,
you'd better get home.
Don't wanna wake up
your mom and Gary, do you?
- Oh, that's it. It's go time.
- Run, now!
Move, Benihana.
Why the hell did you do that?
Oh, my bad. Thought I was
looking out for my friend.
Where are you?
Shit. I'm sorry.
You've always been
honest with me,
even when I didn't
wanna here it.
Well, not always.
I've kinda been taking classes
in acupuncture
and massage therapy.
That's great.
That's great.
Why didn't you tell me?
I thought you'd make fun of me.
Just another one
of my stupid schemes.
Is that how I make you feel?
It's not easy being sidekick
to a boy genius, you know?
Yeah, right.
Some genius.
I mean, look at me.
I blew it.
No, you didn't.
You are going to get everything
you want and then some.
The only one who doesn't
know it yet is you.
So you're really
gonna become a masseuse?
Come here.
- How's the pressure?
- That's interesting.
And that's your c7.
- Okay. -Yeah, it's
a trigger point.
Now if I go a little bit deeper
- in the deltoid...
- Okay, okay, okay.
That's weird. These are
Gary's repair sales.
Brady must have shredded them.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, that's it!
He wanted them off the books.
No wonder we've been coming up
short almost every quarter.
Brady hasn't been
including the repair sales
in his report,
he's been pocketing it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, I mean, I guess,
I mean look at this.
There's gotta be over
like 15 grand here.
But how can you prove it?
It's all backed up on the cloud.
I just gotta get inside
and then access it.
Oh, no, you can't
go back in there.
He'll kill you.
I've got it.
Okay, so this will
crack Brady's code.
It will alert him
and it will take a while.
I'll go distract him.
No, I've got this.
- What are you doing? -Something
I'll probably regret.
Yeah, hey, mom?
Yeah, can you pick me up?
Can you believe this shit?
Yeah, I can.
- Brady, what are you doing?
- Shut it, breakfast club.
This doesn't concern you.
- Oh.
- Yes!
Home run, bitches!
Oh, come on.
I didn't hit him.
It was a sweet cut.
Carly, don't be an idiot.
You'd really choose that
over a job?
I didn't know I had to choose.
What are you looking at?
I'm right here.
Brady, stop!
Oh, relax.
It was just a little poke.
Whoa! League of our own has
a little fight in her.
Guess this counts
as self defense.
Ryan, it worked! All the money
Brady stole, I got it right here.
What was I supposed to do
all of Gary's work for free?
I earned that money.
Wait! What's
Brady Krane doing?
Talk about out of position.
Oh, my god, did you see that?
Krane tried to snatch the ball
from his own teammate.
He's like...
He's like a hawk.
Career ending injury
is just hilarious, isn't it?
You know, I should
have been retired by now,
but instead I have to deal
with you losers.
You know what, screw this.
Screw all of you.
Ooh, man.
Knock it out.
Oh, what does that mean?
I called him child
of illegal lottery.
Trust me, it's bad.
Is that CY?
- Cyrus -how are you,
Henry, my friend?
Sorry it took me
so long to get here.
Some pisser named
Ryan called me.
Woke me up.
I told him to go to hell.
That is true, yeah.
So when he told me
what was going on
with you and the store,
well, say no more.
He was a bad boy.
Brady. Hey, wake up. Wake up.
What the hell's going on
around here?
I closed the store.
I did what you told me to do.
I told you to close a store,
not this one,
and I told you to speak
to Gary first
about maybe expanding
the repair side
- of the business.
- And what, fixing more crap?
Come on, CY, we're in
sales, not service.
Who says we can't be in both?
Sorry, hawk, your wings
have been clipped.
The condor is back in town.
That's bullshit.
So, that's it?
The store stays open?
Of course it does.
And we will, of course,
need a new regional
sales manager.
I'm sorry it took me
so long about that, Bubala.
It's okay. I should have
spoken up for what I wanted.
- Look, mom.
- Shut up.
You're going.
This is my musical, damn it,
and I want a happy ending.
- I love you, mom.
- I love you, too.
I was scared, okay?
That's my secret.
I was scared to leave home.
Because I was afraid
that I would never meet
anyone I love
half as much as I love you.
Look, it's crazy, I know, and we
barely even know each other that well,
but this whole summer, I came
up with this crazy notion
of what it would be like
if you and I were together.
And then it got to the point
that I couldn't even imagine
being with anybody else but you.
And then...
And then today it...
God, it felt like it
actually happened.
We were...
We were together.
We were always together.
- Hi.
- Hey.
So what happens now?
I don't... I don't know. I haven't
ever thought this far through.
- We still have a week left.
- Eight days, actually.
How many minutes?
- Seconds?
- 691,200.
Are you sure?
And then a cube like that.
Oh, you're... boy,
you're a genius.
I am a genius.
Yeah, I know, I said
I wouldn't do this anymore,
but I wanted to prepare you
for what you're about to see.
It probably isn't the happy
ending you were expecting,
or, I was expecting,
but I'm okay with that.
I think you will be, too.
You should share that
with people.
Yeah, I know, my buddy, Burt, kinda
already trying to look that up.
Yeah, yeah.
Ooh, is this Carly Alvarez?
Don't you just love her?
She's so great.
Yeah, yeah, I do.
That's disgusting.
Huh, I don't know.
Been working that corner for uh,
mmm... seven?
Seven years?
Five years?
Six and a half?
Yeah, I might have
over reacted a little bit.
Probably didn't need
to beat the shit
out of a teenage kid,
but, you know, it's a very
emotional corner for me.
This guy really...
I guess you could say
he was the love of my life.
Sorry, it's...
It's hard for me to talk
about it, but, yeah,
Pedro worked that corner
for three and a half years.
Hated, I couldn't
stand the fucker
when he first started, but...
Used to be an aquarium,
so he'd come out
in a big mouth bass costume.
God, I thought he was such
a loser when I first met him,
but, you know, you work
a corner with someone,
you get to know a person.
See the way they spin.
And... yeah,
he just grew on me.
You know, we took a lunch,
we'd go to subway, whatever.
He loved Mccaf.
Then one day,
he just, poof gone.
And not there.
God, I must have waited
12 hours, 13 hours?
I had sunburn.
You can't believe.
I was afraid to leave my corner.
I just kept waiting
for him to show up,
but, uh, he didn't.
That was...
That was three years ago,
so everyday I'm out there,
and I'm saving
his corner for him.
So when that little
shit showed up,
I mean, it's just, uh, it's
just an emotional reaction.
I guess, I lost it.
But, you know, you've gotta
follow your heart, so...
Pedro, if you're watching,
I'm waiting for you.
Kept your corner.
We should just...
We should cut there.