Highball (1997) Movie Script
1
[Diane] Je t'aime, Travis.
[Travis] I love
you, too, baby.
Do you know how
special you are to me?
I'm your little man.
No, no, you're
not my little man.
You're my husband.
Right.
And I want to kiss
every inch of you.
This one
and this one.
Oh, seems like it's
time for my ascent.
Mmm.
I'm gonna need your
help tomorrow, Travis.
No problem, baby.
I'm gonna need you to pick up
some ingredients from the store.
I'm making pusan melange
I make for birthday dinners-
- I'll spin over after
I get Felix's present.
Oh, damn it, Travis.
Now, we discussed this.
Tomorrow's party's his present.
I know, I know.
I'm just getting him
a little something.
You know, I gotta get more
tubing for the brewery anyways.
Oh, keep the still
hidden, will you?
I mean, you can show
it to your friends,
but this will be the first time
people see the new house.
I'm trying very hard to
create something nice here.
Baby, it's gonna
be real classy.
Classy.
Fine, Travis.
It would be interesting
if we could create
a salon, a community
for our friends
to exchange ideas on
art and philosophy.
I wish we had more French chums.
(upbeat big band music)
Hello!
(laughing)
How'd you get up here?
The doorman waved us up.
Hey, old man, my married man.
Diane!
This is Sandy.
Carlos just let Miles
up without announcing him.
Sandy's the girl I've
been telling you about.
He just let Miles
and his date up
without announcing them.
(upbeat big band music)
Sandy, it is so
nice to meet you.
Sandy's just starting
the artists program-
- Hey, look what I
found down in the lobby!
Philip!
Is it Brooks or
Is it brothers?
This isn't as formal
as I thought it would be.
Oh, the moron didn't
buzz him up either, Travis.
No, baby, he was with me.
It's okay.
Hey, my buddy, would you like
to try a little home brew?
I got a little still
in the linen closet.
Home brew?
Miles, you put on some weight.
Right this way, senator.
You think I'm a little heavy?
I just want to get
my face changed.
(knocking on door)
I don't know how, but, you know,
injections of some sort.
Hey, hey, hey, big D!
Tenacious D!
Oh, going up, going up and down.
Hey, how are you, my man?
This is Ally, Ally.
Hi.
Have we met?
No, no, you haven't, Diane.
- This is Ally, was it Sheedy?
- Yes, yes.
This is Ally Sheedy, Diane.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Welcome.
This whole,
originally, this
whole thing was tin.
Dinner will be
just a few seconds.
It's a new stove,
and I don't, ooh.
Oh, no, everyone's
in the wrong seats.
Everybody up.
Philip, Miles,
Sandy,
Ally, me, and Darien,
Fletcher when he gets here,
Felix if he ever gets here,
and Travis.
(clicking tongue)
All right, everybody,
I hope you like your
beer tasting good.
This happens to be
the first pitcher
of Travis Wheat.
Ta-da!
[Ally] So you
brewed this yourself?
Oh, well, Ally Sheedy.
I brewed it myself.
Is that a contact lens?
(gagging)
[Travis] Miles, man,
you're in my seat.
Yeah.
[Ally] You all right?
Uh-oh.
She's smoking.
Diane is gonna lose her mind.
Yoo-hoo!
One for you,
one for you, and for you.
Do you know Susan Sarandon?
Uh, yeah.
You know Robert De Niro?
Yeah.
You know Jack Nicholson?
Yeah, yeah.
I've met him a few times.
He's nice.
How about Iggy pop?
- No.
- How about The Cars?
- What?
- The Cars.
Oh, Ally, Miles works
at a record store.
Company, company, Diane.
My buddy Fletcher and I
are assistant
recording engineers
for Lightning Sound.
It's amazing how
little retention
people have nowadays.
I must've told Diane
1000 times what I do.
She still thinks I
work at a record store.
That's amazing.
What am I, 16?
A lot of people your age
work at a record store.
[Miles] Yeah, but come
on, look how I'm dressed.
What?
What?
You like music?
Yeah.
It's the music of the gods.
Music is the
music of the gods.
I've never heard it put
quite that way before.
Well, my father was a poet.
Come on in.
Take a load off.
I'm gonna get some
pistachios for the table.
Here you go.
Hope you don't have it.
It's not my birthday.
It's Felix's.
You remember Felix.
[Fletcher] Oh, right,
your friend Felix.
Yeah.
[Fletcher] Well,
I'll give it to him.
Where is he?
Hey, let me get you some
more Travis wheat, Fletcher.
You're gonna love this.
Well, if I am here, it
means the week is over.
Thank God, what
are you doing here?
I was invited, too.
I'm friends with Travis.
No, I don't mean that.
What are you doing here?
You can't be here.
We both can't be here.
Who's minding the store?
Company.
Company, Fletcher.
Okay, if you're here,
then who's in the studio
for the mixing session
that started an
hour and a half ago?
Oops.
I'm sure Hector and
Roman are there.
Yeah, and the woman that
refills the napkins in the John.
Didn't we say that
you would cover for me
so I could have a night off?
Yeah.
Right.
Good night, everybody.
Oh, no, Fletcher.
Hey, don't worry, Fletcher.
When the promotion goes through,
we'll be making
our own hours, huh?
You know, I'm too tired
to even think about that.
I'm swamped.
I hope you or Tony gets it.
Yeah, Tony'd be great.
Type A.
(clicking tongue)
Anyway, I remember once-
Careful on your way out.
Hello'?
Christ, this is ridiculous.
Did the doorman just let you up?
What doorman?
Beautiful.
Could you hold on
one moment, please?
Carlos, Carlos!
Escuche mi, Carlos.
Is Travis here?
Hey, there he is!
Our own David Henning.
Uh, could you take, I
didn't even hear you appear.
Travis?
I got some more
stuff in the cab.
Sure, no problem,
your otherworldliness.
Why don't you just
drop your stuff
and I'll tell Carlos
to let you back up.
No need.
Is he the stripper?
Apparently.
Good-looking.
I'm sorry.
We haven't been
properly introduced.
I'm Ally.
I'm Sandy Diloff.
[Ally] You have
beautiful long hair.
Thank you.
You have really
pretty hair, too.
Just because Ally Sheedy
says she likes your hair,
you don't have to say
the identical thing.
I don't-
- Don't be so nervous, Sandy.
Anyway, Ally.
(clearing throat)
- Who was that?
- Hmm?
Who was that?
Oh, a magician.
A magician?
Yeah, that's Don, the, uh,
I don't know if he's got
a stage name or anything,
but we'll find out.
He's the real deal.
Travis, what is he doing here?
He's the entertainment.
I don't want to
get into a whole.
East Coast, West Coast thing.
Entertain, we are
having a dinner party.
Birthday party, Diane.
For someone who's
how old, Travis?
My man is 33 today.
Yeah, you got a
clown coming, too?
(laughing)
Get rid of the guy.
I can't do that.
It's not West
Coast, East coast.
It's West side, East side.
[Diane] Why not?
[Travis] He's a
friend, a buddy.
- What?
- I know him.
He's a down-on-his-luck guy.
He's had a lot of
hard breaks, okay?
He used to be in the
software business,
and it didn't really pan out.
He's kind of a free spirit.
He's not really employable.
Why isn't he employable?
Uh, well, he,
uh, got divorced,
and he lost the custody battle,
and he turned to the bottle.
Oh, Travis.
But he's in AA now,
and he's found magic,
and he's doing great.
Travis, is it your birthday?
No, no, it's not my birthday.
It's my buddy Felix's.
The prick.
Hey, I got song
sheets for everybody.
Here we go.
Pass this down there.
Where is Felix?
Uh, he'll be here.
He called.
When did he call?
Earlier.
When earlier?
Before you got here, Phil.
Before, uh, any of you got here.
You weren't with
me the whole day.
(knocking on door)
There's my buddy!
Oh, God, what a prick.
[Felix] Man, I've been
out there for 40 minutes.
Everybody Felix
It's Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
It's Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
He's old in the best way
Travis, Carlos just
let another person up.
Fuck, you're right!
Did he take your
name or anything?
Who?
Oh, I'll be right back.
Everybody Felix
Hey, hey, hey, hey
You have a pretty voice.
Thanks.
I'm sorry.
- Come on, Felix, sit down.
- I gotta make a call.
He doesn't seem very happy
that it's his birthday.
Travis and Felix
have known each other
since high school.
Travis considers
Felix his best friend,
but the popular consensus
is that Felix is difficult.
Frankly, if he
had a personality,
which I don't think
he does, Ally,
but if he did, underneath it all
would just be some
kind of an asshole.
You know those kind of people.
Oh, uh, yeah.
You know, like
a Kevin Costner.
Oh.
Why would you say that?
I mean, I heard he was nice.
Oh, you know Kevin Costner?
No, I just, I don't know him.
I just heard that he was nice.
From who?
Woody Harrelson?
It must be, uh
somewhat of a treat
to put on some
warm clothing now.
You know, weather
change and all.
[Ally] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Oh, there he is, my buddy.
Yep, you're over here at
the head of the table.
You're the guest of honor.
Come on, Phil, let's go.
(whistles)
Let's go, come on, man.
All right, my man.
So, my birthday boy,
how did my birthday
boy spend his birthday?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
That doesn't sound too festive.
Hey, Diane can't get the
stove to work properly.
You want some cereal
or something like that?
I don't want any cereal.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Looking good over there.
Exciting stuff.
Yeah, well, I'm
pretty much, uh,
set up.
- All right.
- You got a cigarette?
Oh, yeah, sure.
- You can take a couple.
- No, just one.
If I take two,
I'll smoke two.
I'm not really one
for self control, I guess.
I understand.
Whoa.
Hey!
I don't know you,
I don't know you.
I've seen you in movies.
Darien.
Travis' girlfriend.
Wife.
Right.
Hello, Philip.
Hello, Felix.
I'm Sandy Diloff.
Dilhoff?
Diloff.
Diloff.
Very pretty name.
Thank you.
Hey, look, you want
something to eat?
We got plenty.
No, no, I'm gonna
go get a burger,
get my head together
before the show.
Good idea, great.
Okay, hey, listen.
I'm really looking
forward to this.
I know this is gonna be great.
Thanks, thanks.
Do you remember when she was
in that movie "Short Circuit?"
Hey, Don, Don, Don.
I forgot to ask you.
You got a name?
Don.
No, no, I mean
like a magic name,
like Don the Mysterious
or something.
Don,
Don.
Yeah, okay.
Hey, Felix, before I forget,
this one is from Fletcher.
Who?
Uh, Fletcher.
He works with Miles,
dark hair, nice guy.
Oh, dark hair, nice guy.
Fletcher?
- Right.
- Oh, yeah, I guess.
Uh-oh.
(imitating baseball charge)
[Diane] Here, want
me to take that?
[Travis] Get rid
of that, please.
Whoa.
[All] Ohh!
Nice.
My man's got a new lid.
Wow, that's great.
I'm sure I'll find a place
in my closet for this.
In the meantime,
why don't you find
a place in your closet for it,
and I wear it
whenever I come over.
Hey, good idea.
It's on hold.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Felix.
Oh, come on.
You met him like 1000 times.
Why do you gotta be a dick?
Have I met you 1000 times?
I don't know.
No.
No, not 1000.
See?
1000 times.
Let's play a game.
Miles?
Miles.
Miles!
- [Miles] What?
- Oh, shit.
Stay there!
- What?
- We gotta keep it down.
The bedroom door
is not soundproof.
Okay, let's pick somebody.
How about,
my man Felix.
It's gotta be him.
It's his birthday.
Okay, I'll go get Miles.
It's gonna be you, buddy.
We chose a guy, and he
asked a question like,
for instance, "What kind of
car would this person be?"
You would say, like, a mustang.
Or an Edsel.
[Ally] Oh, yeah,
I've done this game.
Acting class.
Okay, Travis.
If this person were-
- [Diane] Travis?
Oh, Jesus.
What?
[Diane] Could you come
here a second, please?
We're playing the game.
- Travis.
- Jesus.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Okay.
Ms. Sheedy.
If this person were
a car, what kind of
car would they be?
A Mustang.
Interesting.
A Mustang.
I know you like Felix.
Yeah, Felix is the man.
Yeah, but do you want
to know what I think?
I think that Felix not
only is not the man,
but Felix doesn't
have a personality,
and beneath the banal
exterior that he has.
Is just an asshole.
Diane!
The only reason, don't
you play stupid, Travis.
The only reason that this turned
into a sort of birthday
party for Felix
is that I wanted to
have a dinner party.
You wanted to invite Felix,
and it just so happened
that the event fell
somewhere around his birthday.
This is not an effort that
comes directly from my heart.
If this person were
a bodily function,
what kind of a bodily
function would they be?
- Shit.
- It's Sandy.
No, it's not Sandy.
Oh, okay.
I just thought because
we have this thing.
(clearing throat)
(sighing)
Ms. Sheedy.
You, you have
got to calm down.
No, no, no, I
will not calm down.
I've got a room full of
hungry people out there.
They're snacking on pistachios.
That's not the way I was raised.
And I can see by your eyes
that we can eliminate Philip.
Well, why don't you try
and cater some of this?
I want them to go.
Please, I want them to go.
Oh, come on.
If you love me,
you'll kill them.
I want 'em to die!
"Everybody Felix."
That's horrible.
I've got people out
there of my class.
Your class.
Diane-
- Oh, my god, what
are you doing?
- What?
- Put that out.
Put that, for Christ's sake,
would you put that out!
Everybody is smoking.
Well, you know there is no
smoking in this house, Travis,
plus you quit.
- I didn't quit.
- You know what,
they should all just put out
their fucking cigarettes.
Yeah, right.
Are you gonna go out there
and tell Ally Sheedy to
put out her cigarette?
- Oh, yes, I will.
- Yeah, right.
Okay, you just watch me.
Okay, Ms. Sheedy,
if this person were a famous,
not as famous as you,
but a famous person-
- Excuse me.
Ally Sheedy, would you
please put that out?
Oh, of course.
I'm sorry.
He'll be here any minute.
I like the coffee in Germany.
Yeah.
In the Germany, they
know how to grind beans.
Italy has good coffee, too,
but if you don't know
how to grind the beans,
you know?
Yeah.
Well, then it's acidic.
The foam rises to the
top of your stomach,
becomes gaseous.
Oh, did I miss the
coffee bean story?
Oh, goddamn it!
God, Diane, you
tell that so well.
I love that little
trip to Europe.
Oh, you know, it's all
in the grinding, fellas,
because, you know, if you
can't grind the beans right.
You know, Diane, every
time you tell that story,
it just sounds more
and more spontaneous.
Really, it's starting to sound
like real conversation to me.
You promise you're gonna
tell it again, Diane?
Will you promise?
It's my birthday.
What are you looking at?
Has everyone seen the
picture of Philip's kid?
No.
Phil, you got a kid?
[Phil] No, I don't have a kid.
Oh, yes, yes, you do.
For only nickels a month, too.
It's, uh, it's Jobeen, isn't it?
If you all must know, I
support a Venezuelan child
through the International
Children's Organization.
His name isn't Jobeen,
it's Joaquin.
[Travis] That's nice, Phil.
Yeah, that's marvelous.
[Philip] Thank you, thank you.
This is your second
kid now, isn't it, Phil?
No, no, it's not.
Oh, yes, yes, it is,
because something
happened to the other kid.
Why don't you tell Ally Sheedy
what happened to the other kid?
Maybe she won't find
that so marvelous.
Why don't you
just shut up, Felix?
Hey, if there was
a second kid, Philip,
I think you ought to tell us.
[Felix] Yeah.
Well, apparently,
the organization,
ICO, will intervene,
(clearing throat)
If you miss a few payments.
Um, it had been a tough year.
You all know what happened
with Margaret and me,
and I forgot a few things-
- And the boy died.
What?
No, the boy did not die.
They just took
custody of the boy.
I'm sure they gave
him to somebody else,
someone who wouldn't forget.
Why would they tell you?
You forfeited your right
to that information.
I'm surprised they
gave you another one.
Why don't you
just shut up, Felix?
Oh, look, Philip.
I'm helping you out.
You only got two
stories, a divorced wife
and the dead kid.
Now you get to tell them both.
Philip, how is Margaret?
We haven't seen her in a while.
Maybe that's 'cause we got
divorced, you fucking idiot!
We were divorced.
It's better this way.
I think I, I think
I hear the food.
Hear the food?
I'm gonna give
Margaret a call.
Phil, here.
This is for the boy,
just something I
had laying around.
You fucking asshole!
(all shouting)
Oh, that's great, Philip.
Some birthday this
turned out to be.
Almost getting punched out.
Hey, fuck you, Travis.
Philip, man, calm down!
- Yeah, Philip, grow up.
- Shut up, record boy!
Hey, hey, hey,
that's it, that's it,
that's it!
Okay, neutral corners.
Phil, why don't you go out
into the hall and
cool down, okay, huh?
I don't have that here.
Philip!
Philip!
Glad you came?
Oh, you know,
it's, uh, just, uh,
more grist for the mill.
(laughing)
Drama.
Hey, hey, Don.
I was getting worried about you.
No worries.
Yeah, so, uh, so
you get that burger?
So, uh, so you ready to
dazzle the light fantastic?
Get everyone together.
(laughing)
Don't touch that!
That sucks.
Haven't you ever
not paid a bill?
I hardly think
it's the same thing.
Believe me, it's the same.
It's not like I
ever met the kid.
You know, all I
got is some blurry
black and white photos.
I'm convinced
they're stock photos.
Probably thousands of
people in the United States
looking at the same
picture of little Joaquin.
You don't really
mean all that.
Well, I might, but for the
sake of this conversation,
I'm gonna say that I don't.
Fuck me.
What?
[Don] All right, everybody.
Let's get ready for some magic
with Don.
(upbeat music)
(all clapping)
When your Cundelini's rising
(all clapping)
And your spirits
are a-falling
There is someone on
the phone for you
It's the magic
man, he's calling
Hello, is this your card
Can you feel the
magic in the air
Who is the one
with the magic
It's me
Show me the magic,
how you feeling
I'm fine
Show me the magic
one day at a time
Wow!
Hello, is this your card
Can you feel the magic
(flame hissing)
(Don screaming)
No, like this.
Can I get a little help?
Push, don't pull.
That's a terrific act.
Diane, get the cake ready.
We gotta sing to my man.
There's my baby with the cake!
One, two, three!
Everybody Felix
It's Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
He's old in the best way
Come on.
Everybody, what?
Felix left.
Good, let's eat the cake.
(blowing)
(light orchestral music)
(knocking on door)
Oh!
Let's see what we got here.
Um, let me guess.
Spiderman, right?
Am I right, hmm?
Do you speak?
Does he speak?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, then what do you
say, web-slinging man?
I forgot.
Who does Spider-Man fight, huh?
Trick or treat.
Okay, all right, here you go.
Come on, catch.
Good evening.
[Diane] Toodle-oo.
(sobbing)
(light orchestral music)
Thank you so much, Molly,
for helping me get
this thing together.
- Where's Busby?
- Shh!
He's in the bedroom napping.
It has been so nice
to have my little
nephew around this week.
I mean, he's only seven,
but he's my little man.
Hmm, yeah.
I hate kids.
Ever since Travis and I split,
I've been a little bit
scattered, you know?
Good, but scattered.
Well, you've known each
other since you were teens.
So Saturday he started
staying at Felix's house.
Oh, it's just been a week?
(knocking on door)
It's over.
I'll get it!
(Miles roaring)
[Miles] Ooh, sorry.
Don't know you.
(chuckling)
Hey, it's me, Miles.
Whoo, surprise!
Hi, Miles.
Miles, this is Molly.
Molly, Miles.
Nice suit, looks expensive.
(Miles roars)
[Miles] Ooh, candy corn!
First one to arrive?
[Miles] Ow, shit!
Miles, whoa!
Miles, watch it.
[Miles] Damn,
this is annoying.
Ah, uhh!
Did you bring a date, Miles?
[Miles] Whew.
(chuckles)
Nope, but I'm looking
to meet some people.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What's your name?
Louise Harvey.
Harvey?
It's not really Harvey, is it?
That, that's the same
name as my rabbit.
You know, do, do, do
you know my rabbit?
It, it's kind of
tall, but his name-
- I don't know
what you're doing.
But, talking about Harvey.
He's, he's quite a tall rabbit,
but not really a rabbit.
He's a pooka.
I don't like
what you're doing.
Oh, you don't?
Well, uh, uh, uh,
it's a picture, you know, about-
- Why are you still doing it?
Well, I, I don't
know why I'm doing it.
Hey, Philly cheese steak!
Diane.
Mmm!
You look nice.
I'm a whore.
(chuckles)
Are you Hitler?
No, of course not.
I just put on a mustache.
(sighs)
[Miles] Heil!
[Darien] Howdy.
Howdy.
Mmm.
Travis' ex is gonna
get fucked tonight.
Taking that costume
seriously, huh?
Who should it be?
Hmm.
Philip?
Nah.
Too stiff.
Probably doesn't like sex.
[Miles] Oh, my
god, it's amazing.
[Molly] Miles.
Are you joking?
You said you were
gonna get fucked.
I didn't think you
were gonna be choosy.
What about Darien?
[Molly] You don't wanna fuck
anybody prettier than you.
Besides, I think he's
having a really good time
with Rae Dawn Chong.
(Fletcher roars)
[Fletcher] Jeez,
that was hard.
[Miles] Hey there, Fletcher.
[Fletcher] Oh, god.
(laughs)
[Diane] That's
very becoming on you.
- I'm leaving.
- No.
Stay.
- You think?
- Yeah.
Stay.
What are you?
What?
I mean, your costume.
Oh.
(laughs)
I totally forgot I had it on.
I'm the New York subway system.
Oh.
Before or after the
last fare increase?
I don't think that
it would matter.
Well, you're an express,
that's what's important.
[Miles] Hey, boss.
Tried these peanuts?
[Fletcher] No.
Hey, listen, did you
make those calls?
[Miles] Nah, I
didn't have time.
[Fletcher] Fuck!
Oh, jeez!
(sighs)
That's cool, that's cool.
[Miles] Hey, nice costume.
[Fletcher] Didn't,
didn't we agree
that I was gonna
go as the lizard?
Yeah, we did,
but I couldn't think
of anything to be.
So at the last minute, I ran out
and bought this baby.
Yeah, yeah, but didn't
we say that I was gonna go
as the lizard?
Yeah, we did.
Drink this.
- What is it?
- Just drink it.
I don't want-
- Drink it or Diane said
she's gonna hit you.
(vomiting)
Ohh!
Diane!
- [Diane] What?
- This kid vomited.
Oh, Busby.
Ohh!
He reeks of liquor.
All right, get lost.
You stink.
(intercom buzzes)
[Diane] Hello?
Who is it?
[Carlos] It's Travis Blinkoff.
[Travis] Travis!
[Carlos] Wait!
[Philip] What
are you dressed as?
[Diane] Send him up, I guess.
Well, I'm not too sure if
I really like what you are.
Oh, no, it's not
what you think.
I just put on this mustache.
[Fletcher] I don't understand.
If you're starting
with this in ADD,
why would you want to
change it to anything else?
[Miles] All right, hold on.
Let me-
What are you doing?
[Miles] I just want
to show you, okay?
Now, if this is the
direct box, right?
It has a male RCA there.
You can't use canon to canon.
I'm standing there,
being announced,
and this ghost walks right up!
Well, you do not
live here, Travis,
and the guests
must be buzzed up.
(scoffs)
Yeah, right, was
anybody here buzzed up?
- I think I was.
- You look good.
I'm a bum, Diane.
I'm supposed to look terrible.
Didn't want to dress up, huh?
Eat shit, Travis.
[Fletcher] You know, I think
I have two left-handed paws.
Do you have one of my paws?
[Miles] You know,
mine have felt weird
since I went to the bathroom.
[Fletcher] Is it possible?
Let me see your right hand.
[Miles] I don't, I can't get
my right hand into the paw.
[Fletcher] Give
me your left hand.
[Miles] Okay.
I bought this.
No lawyer in the world
would let you have it.
(ashtray breaks)
Diane!
[Diane] What?
Uh, you got a dust buster?
You know I don't
have a dust buster.
How do I know what
you did this week?
Well, I didn't go out
and buy a dust buster.
Jesus.
Sorry, babe, diane.
[Miles] Do you know The Cars?
(camera whirring)
For my bar.
No, I've never met Ric Ocasek.
[Diane] Don't you walk around
this place like you own it.
Do you mind if I
go to the bathroom?
Well, if you don't
dribble on the towel.
I won't put up with
that shit any more.
[Miles] Lovers' spat.
How could you not know
you look like Hitler?
[Fletcher] You know, ever
since I got the promotion
and Miles didn't,
it's these little
acting-out things
that really stick in my craw.
[Miles] Do you mind
if I ask you a question
about one of our
national treasures,
Marlon Brando?
I don't know if you recall,
but one of Brando's
earlier movies
placed Marlon on a
ship, a ship of war.
Marlon, the captain of the ship,
using all of his acting skills,
and I understand that he liked
to put notes around the set
because he didn't like
to memorize lines.
Anyway, it was a stormy night,
Marlon turns to his first mate.
"First mate!
Get ye to the deck
and grab the wheel!"
It just gave me
shivers all over.
The only time I felt that
way was when I saw "Annie."
Do you know Annie?
It's still playing,
I understand.
Silly.
You look very silly.
I was gonna say
I look less like-
- An idiot.
[Miles] "Get ye to the
deck and grab the wheel!"
"Aye, aye, captain."
Which, uh, is a drama technique
that told me that
he was the captain.
So right there we
knew the relationship.
First mate and captain.
I found it brilliant.
(upbeat funk music)
You should've
brought the kids along.
They'd have so much
fun playing with Busby.
"Busby, you're
pulling on Jobeen.
Dinner."
"Oh, oh, hungry!"
It makes me feel so old.
You don't look old, Darien.
You look beautiful.
Hey, handsome.
That's, it's just the costume.
Ooh!
Look at what we got here.
(laughs)
Hey, hey, Jeez!
Cut it out, Diane.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Diane!
- It's such a great idea.
[Travis] Hey!
Hey, buddy.
You, uh, lookin' for me?
Sure, why not?
Yeah.
Hey, I apologize.
I haven't been very
social tonight,
but I'm kind of hiding out.
I think it's good
you're hiding out.
People are pretty
uncomfortable having you here.
Yeah.
Well, screw 'em, right?
Right?
We can stay here.
It's like that other party's
not even going on out there.
Oh, no, no.
It's going on.
Travis, don't kid yourself.
People are in the living room.
You're in a closet.
Well, it's our
tough luck, huh?
Hey, go grab a chair.
- And do what with it?
- Saddle up to the bar.
What, are we gonna
drink in shifts in here?
Yeah, right.
So, uh, Rae Dawn Chong, huh?
Hmm?
You brought Rae Dawn
Chong to the party.
Oh, yeah.
You know, just because I'm
in the same business
with Marlon Brando-
- [Fletcher] I think that
you may have been speaking
to the other lizard.
The last time you were here,
you brought Ally Sheedy.
Yeah.
Two parties, two celebrities.
Well, actually, Rae's
an old family friend.
Clark Gable was an
old friend of my family.
All right, my man.
The He-Man Women-Haters Club
can officially come to order.
What can I get you?
Uh, what do you got?
Home brew or, uh...
(bottles clanking)
Malibu.
Malibu?
Jesus.
Uh,
the home brew, I guess.
All right, my man,
and Malibu for me.
Okay.
Uh, goddamn it.
Diane turned this thing
back into a linen closet.
Hold on a second.
Hey, check out the
wall of fame here.
(door clicking)
Ally Sheedy.
When the hell was she here?
(glass shattering)
Ohh!
Miles!
I'm calling you,
I'm calling you on it.
Just say what you're
trying to say to me, Phil.
You're a star fucker.
Or a star person.
I guess I am.
You're a star fucker?
Well, I guess so.
I mean, I certainly know a
lot of well-known people.
You ever fuck any of these-
- Did you notice that Diane's
acting a little
strangely tonight?
Well, she and Travis split up.
What?
She didn't tell you?
No.
Oh, no.
(heavy breathing)
[Miles] Oh, excuse me!
Close the door, Miles.
It's Miles.
- It's Miles.
- What's Miles?
Outside.
Shh!
(knocking on door)
Don't, please don't!
[Miles] Is this a room?
Travis!
Jesus!
Open the door!
Travis!
God!
[Miles] What are
you guys doing, blow?
- Ohh!
- What is this place?
[Travis] It's a
brewery, asshole!
[Miles] Looks
like a linen closet.
Now does it look
like a linen closet?
No, Travis.
Now it looks like a bar.
[Travis] Fuckin'-a!
[Felix] I'm
having a great time.
- Ow!
- What?
Ow!
Miles!
[Miles] I'm gonna gag here.
Miles!
Are you in or are you out?
[Miles] I'm in.
Fine, then we have
to lose a chair.
All right, coming out.
Watch it, Miles.
You coming back, buddy?
Yes!
I'm just putting
this in the hallway.
Is that a room?
(Miles clears throat)
[Miles] Hey, home brew.
Is that the same
batch as last time?
Yeah, you want one?
[Miles] Uh, no, actually.
Wait, I'm gonna get something
from the other party.
[Travis] Fine.
Say hello to the
other losers for me.
Lonesome, drunken
Drunken on whiskey
Whiskey and saddle
bags made of Tequila
On the prairie
(door clicking)
[Miles] Singing?
No.
[Miles] Ah.
Miles!
Hey, my home brew.
Wouldn't that be
neat if I started
calling you "home brew"?
No.
You should get a
video game in here.
[Travis] Video games?
This is a bar.
We're here to drink.
I know, but all bars
got a little something.
Pinball, foosball, pool table.
Oh, hold on a second.
Hey, check out the wall of fame.
Hey, pilgrim.
Do you have any idea where
a guy could take a leak?
Get up!
Get up, you scum-sucking pig.
I can't read.
And the bathroom
is down the hall
on your right.
Well, I'm awfully glad
ya told me, pilgrim.
He looked at me
like I was a bug.
You're my little friend.
What?
I know.
I love you, too.
(Miles roars)
You wanted games?
I got the classic bar game.
The game of kings.
Golf?
No, not golf.
Uh, think, think bar sport.
Uh, uh, think classic bar sport.
Not golf?
No.
Think game!
Think, think kings.
[Miles] Well, I
already said foosball,
and you looked at me
like I was insane.
Think pub.
Uh-
- All right, uh,
another bloody
pint and a game of-
- Okay!
- Yeah, what?
Golf?
Step back, Miles.
Darts!
Yeah, three
throws for a dollar.
All right, I'm in.
My wallet.
I'd have to take this
entire thing off.
It's all right.
Just give me a driver's license
for a deposit on the darts.
Okay.
I'd have to take off
this entire thing.
Just take the darts, Miles.
- Thanks, home brew.
- Miles, cut it out.
[Miles] Nice toss.
[Travis] Thanks.
So what's going on
with you and Diane?
My life's over.
Well, you came back.
I knew you would.
- Mm-hmm.
- Next stop, Philip.
Please don't start
with that again.
Sorry.
I feel like I'm 18 again.
[Miles] Weren't you and
Travis dating when you were 18?
I think you know
what I mean, Miles.
[Miles] I do, home brew.
What did you just call me?
[Miles] Home brew.
Well, don't call
me that again, Miles.
Ohh!
Waaa!
Oh, ow, ow, ow!
Lizard.
Lizard.
Lizard.
Lizard.
You icky-icky lizard.
Roaring lizard!
(Miles roars)
Ohh!
What big eyes you have!
(Miles roaring)
What big teeth you have!
(Miles roars)
Are you hungry?
[Miles] Yes, I'm hungry!
(laughs)
What the,
ow!
Ow!
Goddamn it, lady!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Did you vote?
I did.
What the hell are you doing?
Goddamn it!
[Diane] Darien!
I vote green occasionally.
- Darien, I was calling you!
- Get up!
Spanky, spanky, spanky
Pinchy, pinchy, pinchy, kick
What are you doing?
Do you mind?
(sobbing)
Okay, okay.
Uppy, uppy.
(spitting)
Diane!
You know what, I think
I'm gonna go get a towel.
[Darien] I'll go with you.
[Diane] Stay here.
Diane!
Jeez, you're full
of beer tonight.
If I was on the schoolyard
and I pushed you down,
it would mean I
like you, Darien.
Yeah, well, here,
off the schoolyard,
it just means you're drunk.
We slide!
Oh, god, take me into-
- [Diane] Come on!
Giddyap, giddyap!
Punchy, punchy!
Kick me, kick me!
Aah!
You know what I've, oh, Jesus.
Wow.
Nice outfit.
- Oh, thank you.
- Great, really.
Thanks, thank you.
You know, I was
gonna dress up.
I was gonna go as Philip's kid.
You know, Philip's dead kid?
Oh, poor little Senegal Sam.
I want to show you something.
Shh.
Oh, dear, dear Darien.
It's not too late to dress up.
Give me the pillow
over there, Molly.
I want to distend the belly.
What's, what's the kid's name?
It's Laguna?
It's Abuna.
Abuna.
Not that it matters to you.
You are a handsome man.
Stay right there.
(giggles)
Ow!
Fuck.
You all right?
[Diane] Stay there.
Poor little Jobeen.
So hungry.
But my payments
haven't come through.
Did my nickel come
from papa Philip?
No?
Then I will wait
like I did last month
and the month before that.
It's only a nickel.
One nickel.
Please!
Papa, please!
(upbeat music)
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
Yellow flowers on the ground
And the sunbeams shine
Is, is this what
you wanted to show me?
Okay, I think I should go.
No, no, okay, okay, okay.
Jeez, where's your
sense of adventure?
Outside.
Very funny.
Look, you and I are friends.
Diane, I-
- Ah, Philip, the third
world weeps tonight.
Are you always this funny?
Well, I like to imagine I am.
That is me.
That's very cute.
Isn't it?
Very cute.
I think that's
the best me, Darien.
[Darien] Mm-hmm.
And that is my father.
He's handsome, huh?
Very, very.
That's my mom.
Thank god I didn't
inherit those hips.
She's very pretty.
Very pretty.
You're sweet.
You're a sweet,
sweet man, Darien.
Uh, who's this?
Oh!
That?
Travis' father.
Ooh, cocksucker.
Excuse what I just said.
Oh, and there's Travis.
There he is.
Will be trapped
together forever.
Oh!
Whoops, now you've
seen me naked.
Yes, I guess I have.
Would you like to see
a more recent picture
of me naked?
- Well, what, uh-
- What?
What?
Cheese!
[Fletcher] Where's Rae?
She, uh, left with Fletcher.
Big gossip, huh?
[Fletcher] But I'm Fletcher.
[Woman] Thanks so much!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit is right.
Okay, that's it.
That fucking idiot's fired.
- Good night, guys.
- Good night.
See you later, you two.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
[Miles] Oh, you didn't yell.
Well, I'm sorry I got so mad.
[Miles] You did not get mad.
Really?
[Miles] Really.
Why don't you
take that hat off?
Let's kiss.
[Miles] I've been waiting
for this all night long.
Oh!
(laughs)
You're the wrong lizard.
(both laughing)
Wait, wait, you're
the wrong lizard.
Where's, no, I'm serious.
Okay.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
(chainsaw whirring)
(woman on TV screams)
(woman on TV screaming)
(upbeat music)
Oh, Travis, darling,
let's never break up again ever.
After what happened to Felix,
it just confirms my belief
that this is a mean, ugly,
cruel, cruel world.
Yeah.
(upbeat music)
(intercom buzzes)
(intercom buzzes)
Hello?
[Carlos] There's
someone to see you.
- Carlos?
- Yes?
- Carlos, is that you?
- Yes.
- Great.
- There's someone to see you.
Hey, Carlos, thank you.
This is the first
time that you've-
- [Felix] Travis?
Hello?
[Felix] Travis, it's Felix.
Who was that, honey?
The caterers?
It's Felix.
- What?
- I know!
I'm as surprised as anybody.
I thought you said
he was in the hospital.
He was.
A lot of hospitals.
Well, is he walking, Travis?
He's on his way up.
He must be walking.
Well, after what you told me,
I didn't expect ever
to see him again.
I know, neither did I,
but I never got the full story.
I mean, all I know is-
(knocking on door)
Travis!
Get back, get back!
May I come in?
Of course, buddy.
You don't need no
invitation from me.
This is for you and Diane.
Hey, looks expensive.
Okay.
Uh, let's do it.
Come on in.
Sorry, buddy.
Am I the first one here?
Uh, yeah.
I don't think most
people are coming
until around eight.
What time is it now?
Uh, six, seven
after three, buddy.
- Oh.
- Hey, no worries!
No worries!
Come on in.
Let's, uh,
let's watch some of that tube.
Let's watch some
pre-show Rose Bowl stuff.
Okay.
(referee blows whistle on TV)
Toffee?
(cheerleaders performing on TV)
Uh,
you want to, uh,
I gotta get something.
Gotta go, Diane.
You go Diane.
Thanks.
I'll be right back, buddy.
Oh, shit.
What, what's going on?
It's him, it's him!
Yeah, I know it's
him, what's he doing?
Not much.
I put him in front of the TV,
but I don't think
he's really watching.
Why is he here
so early, Travis?
Because we're
having a party, Diane.
We're having a
party in five hours.
Diane, he's my friend, okay?
I don't tell you who
to be friends with.
Okay, okay, Travis.
You go out there and
watch TV with your friend.
I'm not going out there.
[Referee] On the
offense, five-yard penalty,
repeat first down.
Hey, happy new year.
Let's, uh-
- Honey,
Come on.
We got time.
He's whacked out.
(marching band music)
[Woman] Make yourself at home.
[Man] You gonna
match me beer for beer?
I'm from down the hall.
Neighbor.
I'm Felix.
Good to meet you.
[Sandy] The walls
are still blue.
I can't believe that.
We could always
go to Jake's later
if it gets dull.
Yeah, yeah.
Grab me a drink, okay?
- Sure.
- Okay, baby.
[Philip] Sandy.
Philip.
Hello.
Hmm.
Sorry I haven't returned
any of your calls.
I've just been really busy
with my painting and stuff.
Who's, uh, the dream date?
Oh, Dr. Bjornman.
Oh.
He doesn't like
when I say "doctor."
You know, it's not MD, it's PhD.
I forgot the pussy willows.
What?
I, I had a whole
bunch of pussy willows
I was gonna bring.
As a gift?
- Really?
- Yeah.
Hey, hey!
My man.
Home brew!
Lookin' good.
Darien was just
telling me that he's gay.
At least let me tell him.
Yeah, right.
I'm serious.
No, I'm serious.
Hey, it's New Year's,
not April Fool's, guys.
Maybe this was a bad idea.
Gee, what's your name again?
Molly Jean.
Jean?
Hold it, hold it.
I dream
Of Jeannie
With the light brown hair
I don't think Dean Martin
ever did Stephen Foster.
Oh, my god!
I can't believe she
got the Dean Martin
and the Stephen Foster,
the whole thing both together.
I can't, this is,
uh, oh!
You know how Dick
Clark drops a ball
on Times Square
every, every year?
No.
Oh, yeah, you do.
New Year's Rockin' Eve!
The crowds in Times Square.
The, at midnight we
go Into a new year.
Bands playing-
- Oh, yeah!
Right!
On the TV, yeah, I know
that, I've been there.
Okay, well, this year,
I'm droppin' a ball, too.
This year,
Times Square's
comes to Brooklyn.
Wanna help?
No, but I'll watch
when you're done.
All right.
Viewer's choice.
(sighs)
Miles,
is Darien really gay?
Gay as a heart attack.
(light guitar music)
Hey, happy new year.
Before I start avoiding you,
I thought we ought to speak.
Sure.
Obviously there's some
unfinished business here
between the two of us.
Diane, really,
look, I'm fine with,
with everything.
Hmm.
Well, how amnesiac of you.
Do I know you?
- Not yet.
- What are you looking at?
Well, I'm sorry, Darien,
but I can't just pretend
like nothing happened.
Look,
the last time you were here,
we did and said
some things that we,
well, that maybe
should have been said.
I mean, you've made it
no secret over the years
about the way you feel about me.
But I must admit it was a
bit opportunistic of you
to make those feelings clear
so close to my break-up.
I think you're remembering it-
- And unsuspecting Travis
looks like a clown
prince to everyone
as he fuels you with drinks,
unknowingly enhancing
your already
blatantly public overtures.
My overtures?
Like I said, Darien,
maybe it was good to
finally get it all out.
It is.
It's good to finally
get it all out.
It's good to get it all out
so that I can finally tell you,
that I am so flattered,
but I'm married.
And I just can't
seem to think of you
as anything but the great
friend that you are to me.
(clears throat)
I understand.
And you know what?
You are going to be a
real lady-killer someday.
Oh, yes.
Come here, come.
Now, I want you to go out there
and get 'em, tiger!
Okay?
Okay.
Diane, not, not that
it really matters much,
but, uh...
What?
I'm so sorry.
No, I'm flattered,
I'm flattered.
I'm such a stupid,
stupid, stupid woman!
Diane, really,
it's, it's okay.
Really.
Can I have a sip?
Thanks.
Molly, you remember Miles.
Diane, you've introduced
us, like 1000 times.
Well, not 1000-
- Miles works at a record,
and I always get this wrong,
a record company.
Store.
No, I usually say store.
Company.
Store.
I sell 'em, Diane.
How old are you?
Could have sworn
it was company.
No, I used to work
at a record company.
Now I work at a record store.
I, I was fired.
Ahh.
Philip, Philip!
The scuttlebutt is,
no pun intended,
you know the pun
I'm talking about
when I drop this
bombshell on you.
Yes, Travis, it's
a little difficult
for me to decipher any
pun you may have intended
when I have no idea what the
hell you're talking about.
Right, right.
Okay.
Is, um, okay, all right.
Our man Darien "The
Face" Offenburger.
Is not exactly not gay.
- What?
- Right.
Right, I know, I know.
Okay, uh, Miles just
announced semi-secretly
to a handful of us
that, uh, Darien,
if a young lady were to
make her intentions known,
Darien might not be
receptive to her advances,
or for that matter,
any of the her's
advances for that matter.
- What?
- I know, I know, I know.
For real, let me
spell it out for you.
Darien is N-O-T-H-E-T-E-R-O.
Nothero?
No, not,
N-O-T-H, Darien's gay!
Yeah, of course.
What?
I've known he was gay
ever since I met him.
I don't tell a lot
of people this, but
I was in love with
a gay man once.
I mean, I knew it
wouldn't work out,
but, and I wasn't
trying to change him.
I wouldn't try to
change anybody.
You know, who they
are is the best them.
You thought that our
man Darien was gay?
I had an idea.
Now that he said it,
it seems to make sense.
What would give you that idea?
I don't know.
The way he acts.
The way he dresses.
The feeling you get
when you're around him.
[, I don't know.
What?
The way he dresses?
Darien dresses hip.
What, is Fletcher gay?
Fletcher's straight.
Darien's gay.
Oh, man.
What?
That's reverse racism.
What are you talking about?
I can't believe
you're standing here
talking about Darien that way.
That's reverse racism.
First of all, it's
not reverse racism
because Darien's gay.
Well, then it's just racism.
It has nothing
to do with race.
Okay, it's not racism.
You're a homophobe.
Why?
Because I knew Darien
was gay, which he is?
(scoffing) Darien
helped you move in, man.
A four-story walk-up, and
he helped you move in.
Yeah.
And all that time
you're just sitting there
watching him bust
his ass to help you,
thinking, "Darien's gay."
I don't know.
I guess.
I didn't really think about it.
(scoffs)
Oh, man.
I've always had an
affinity for gays.
They have old souls,
you know, the gays?
I just seem to be attracted
to the gay old souls.
Hmm.
What?
He couldn't, like, carry
up the boxes himself?
He couldn't carry his own
weak, gay little weight?
Travis, I hardly think
strength is any indication
of whether someone's gay or not.
Well, apparently you think so.
What, am I gay?
Yes, Travis.
You're gay.
You know that's not true.
When we moved in here, who
brought up the box spring?
Oh, why does this always
come back to moving?
Who brought up the box spring?
[Travis] Are we all gay?
No, I'm not playing the game.
You roped me in.
I'm not playing the game.
Somebody put pineapple juice
in my pineapple juice.
W.C. Fields.
Hey, Miles.
How you doing?
Just trying to get this
karaoke machine working.
Yeah, but how are you?
Mmm, not bad.
Just trying to get this
karaoke machine working.
Been a while, huh?
Hey, our shirts are almost
the same color tonight.
- What?
- We look alike.
(clicking tongue)
Oh, the lizard, right?
Yeah.
Crazy night.
They got Kim Carnes.
I like the gays in Germany.
You know?
Where the coffee is.
Yes, they know how to be gay.
I might have been a little
premature in firing you.
And I just wanted you to know,
that if you ever wanted
your old job back,
that it was there
waiting for you.
Do you understand
what I am saying?
Sure, you're offering
me my old job back.
Right.
To tell you the truth, Fletch,
I'm really happy where I am now.
The record store and I
have been a good match.
I think I like being with
the music after it's done
rather than in those early,
sometimes boring stages.
Felix, my cat, you cool?
Hey, buddy.
I'm having a great time.
Thanks so much for the invites.
You've got some
great, great friends.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh,
anyone tell you about Darien?
What, is he all right?
Yeah, yeah, he's all right.
Oh.
Thank god.
(electricity crackling)
Oh!
Oh!
It's just, um, Darien, um-
- [Miles] Yo!
Darien's found
out that he's gay.
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
[Miles] I'm okay!
I'm all right.
Oh, I always knew
Darien was gay.
I celebrate his courage to
let his choice be known.
You thought Darien was gay?
Oh, yeah.
Okay, man.
This is a really
special night for you.
Yeah.
It's too bad the catatonic
stole your thunder.
- Okay.
- The suicide positions.
Right, right.
Sandy likes the side.
Hello, Philip.
Hi.
You're looking well.
Lost some weight in the face.
Hi, Frank.
Hello.
I meant to tell you
I very much like your lipstick.
It's very red.
It reminds me of blood.
Hey, Philip.
Why don't you get
us two more drinks?
I'm, I'm not done with mine.
You go on ahead.
You, you want another
drink, you go on.
I'll, I'll wait.
Are you gonna
take your coat off?
I don't know.
- Are you warm?
- I'm fine.
- Why?
- I'm sorta hot.
Take your coat off.
Are you taking yours off?
Not now, no.
(drill whirring)
[Fletcher] Oh, Travis.
Fletcher, let's hope
tonight's not a retcher.
- Hope not.
- Yeah, right.
(drill whirring)
What are you doing, Travis?
[Travis] Oh!
A ball, the ball.
I'm rigging the ball.
For new year's.
Yeah.
I didn't get a
tree this year, so,
just a menorah.
I get the ball and the
ball will fall at midnight.
Uh-oh.
Better hurry.
You got two hours.
Yeah, I know, but I haven't
really tested this thing out.
There's, uh, some mechanics,
electricity involved.
- You want some help?
- Yeah, Fletch.
What don't you grab
that bucket of washers
and haul up the extension cord?
Oh, no, not me.
But I could go in and
ask somebody for you.
Oh, uh, no.
Let the crowds have their fun.
New Year's is a time of mystery.
I'll take care of business.
(drill whirring)
Frankie and Johnny
were sweethearts
Oh, lordy, how they did love
Swore to be true
to each other
Just as true as
the stars above
He was her man
He wouldn't do her wrong
Frankie went down
to the corner
Just for a bucket of beer
Just said, hey,
Mr. Bartender
Has my lovely
Johnny been here
He's my man
You know that guy?
Yeah.
He's my date, Miles.
I was your date once.
Frankie looked
over the transom
You done yet?
Getting there.
Want to get us
two more drinks?
Why do I have to do it?
No reason.
Making love to Nellie Bly
He's my man
Philip, call Darien over.
I don't have anything to
say to Darien right now.
Just call his name.
Why do you want Darien?
- To see if he has a pen.
- I got a pen, you want a pen?
Just call him over here.
I'll give you a pen
if you need a pen.
Catch his eye
and wave him over.
I...
Gonna get another drink?
But he was doin' her wrong
Was there a reason you
were gonna give Felix a pen?
What?
What, you got a pen that
squirts ink or something?
What are you talking about?
Like I was gonna
bring you over there,
you were gonna give him a pen,
and he was gonna spray it
all over me or something.
And he was doing me wrong
Here you go.
Thanks, buddy.
Sure.
This story has no moral
This story has no end
Oh.
Before I forget,
would you send this to Joaquin?
Just some money I had laying
around collecting interest.
My god!
Car accident I had as a child.
Felix.
Oh, I regret it's not more.
$12,40?
Felix, I cannot accept this.
Please, I'd see
it as an insult.
We're told not to spoil them.
It's potentially damaging to
change their lives so suddenly,
so extravagantly.
$12,000 would make him royalty.
Little king Joaquin.
And-
- [All] 10, nine,
eight, seven, six,
five, four,
three, two,
One!
Happy new year!
(party blowers whistling)
Whoa.
(party blowers whistling)
Happy new year.
Happy new year.
Happy new year.
Happy.
[Man] Happy new year.
(noisemakers blowing)
If you're wondering
What I did before
And if you're wondering
Yeah, I'm back
Three, two, one-
- It's over now.
Since I've been gone
Guess it doesn't matter.
Didn't feel a thing.
It's funny, I never thought
of myself as handsome.
Oh!
No, it's true.
I'm thinking I shouldn't
have let that Sandy go.
She's a very attractive,
intelligent woman.
(sighs)
I know.
I need you
Thanks, buddy.
Thanks a lot, buddy.
I appreciate it.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you.
All right.
Travis, honey, you
missed the countdown.
[Travis] Hey, baby.
I thought you said
that we were gonna
spend this New Year's
with all of our friends.
Look, Diane,
it's not New Year's
until I say it's
New Year's, okay?
All right, Travis.
Then you tell me
when it's New Year's.
(body thudding)
I'm a little ticklish.
No.
No, don't.
Oh, I'm making a speech.
Everybody listen up.
Shh!
(noisemaker blowing)
Shh!
Well, I just want to say how
happy Busby and I are to,
oh, my god.
Did I just say Busby?
- Yeah.
- I'm a little bit drunk.
Um, I just wanted to say
how happy Travis and I
and all of us are to be spending
New Year's with all of you,
our closest and our
best, best friends.
And, um, we love you.
We love you guys so much,
so let's promise to
have an even better.
New Year's this New Year's, huh?
(noisemaker blows)
Cheers!
- We love you!
- All right,
who wants to sing?
I'm gonna sing.
[Diane] Happy New Year!
[Darien] Happy New Year.
Come on.
Somebody.
One of you.
[Felix] If you wouldn't mind?
[Diane] No, not at all.
(clearing throat)
"Beautiful Dreamer"
by Stephen Foster.
(upbeat music)
Beautiful dreamer
Wake unto me
Starlight
And dewdrops
Are waiting for thee
Sounds of the rude world
(clears throat)
Heard in the day
(clears throat)
Lulled by the moonlight
Have all passed away
Beautiful dreamer
Queen of my song
Beautiful dreamer
Awake unto me
Me
Thank you.
(Travis groaning)
(ball shattering)
(all chattering in distance)
Cheers to you.
My husband, everyone!
(all cheering)
(noisemakers blowing)
Everybody Felix
It's Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
He's old in the best way
Everybody Felix
We're smilin' on this day
Everybody Felix
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
It's Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
He's smiling on this day
Everybody Felix
He's old in the best way
Everybody Felix
Because it's
Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Because it's
Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
It's Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
He's old in the best way
Everybody Felix
He's smilin' on this day
Everybody Felix
Because it's
Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
[Diane] Je t'aime, Travis.
[Travis] I love
you, too, baby.
Do you know how
special you are to me?
I'm your little man.
No, no, you're
not my little man.
You're my husband.
Right.
And I want to kiss
every inch of you.
This one
and this one.
Oh, seems like it's
time for my ascent.
Mmm.
I'm gonna need your
help tomorrow, Travis.
No problem, baby.
I'm gonna need you to pick up
some ingredients from the store.
I'm making pusan melange
I make for birthday dinners-
- I'll spin over after
I get Felix's present.
Oh, damn it, Travis.
Now, we discussed this.
Tomorrow's party's his present.
I know, I know.
I'm just getting him
a little something.
You know, I gotta get more
tubing for the brewery anyways.
Oh, keep the still
hidden, will you?
I mean, you can show
it to your friends,
but this will be the first time
people see the new house.
I'm trying very hard to
create something nice here.
Baby, it's gonna
be real classy.
Classy.
Fine, Travis.
It would be interesting
if we could create
a salon, a community
for our friends
to exchange ideas on
art and philosophy.
I wish we had more French chums.
(upbeat big band music)
Hello!
(laughing)
How'd you get up here?
The doorman waved us up.
Hey, old man, my married man.
Diane!
This is Sandy.
Carlos just let Miles
up without announcing him.
Sandy's the girl I've
been telling you about.
He just let Miles
and his date up
without announcing them.
(upbeat big band music)
Sandy, it is so
nice to meet you.
Sandy's just starting
the artists program-
- Hey, look what I
found down in the lobby!
Philip!
Is it Brooks or
Is it brothers?
This isn't as formal
as I thought it would be.
Oh, the moron didn't
buzz him up either, Travis.
No, baby, he was with me.
It's okay.
Hey, my buddy, would you like
to try a little home brew?
I got a little still
in the linen closet.
Home brew?
Miles, you put on some weight.
Right this way, senator.
You think I'm a little heavy?
I just want to get
my face changed.
(knocking on door)
I don't know how, but, you know,
injections of some sort.
Hey, hey, hey, big D!
Tenacious D!
Oh, going up, going up and down.
Hey, how are you, my man?
This is Ally, Ally.
Hi.
Have we met?
No, no, you haven't, Diane.
- This is Ally, was it Sheedy?
- Yes, yes.
This is Ally Sheedy, Diane.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Welcome.
This whole,
originally, this
whole thing was tin.
Dinner will be
just a few seconds.
It's a new stove,
and I don't, ooh.
Oh, no, everyone's
in the wrong seats.
Everybody up.
Philip, Miles,
Sandy,
Ally, me, and Darien,
Fletcher when he gets here,
Felix if he ever gets here,
and Travis.
(clicking tongue)
All right, everybody,
I hope you like your
beer tasting good.
This happens to be
the first pitcher
of Travis Wheat.
Ta-da!
[Ally] So you
brewed this yourself?
Oh, well, Ally Sheedy.
I brewed it myself.
Is that a contact lens?
(gagging)
[Travis] Miles, man,
you're in my seat.
Yeah.
[Ally] You all right?
Uh-oh.
She's smoking.
Diane is gonna lose her mind.
Yoo-hoo!
One for you,
one for you, and for you.
Do you know Susan Sarandon?
Uh, yeah.
You know Robert De Niro?
Yeah.
You know Jack Nicholson?
Yeah, yeah.
I've met him a few times.
He's nice.
How about Iggy pop?
- No.
- How about The Cars?
- What?
- The Cars.
Oh, Ally, Miles works
at a record store.
Company, company, Diane.
My buddy Fletcher and I
are assistant
recording engineers
for Lightning Sound.
It's amazing how
little retention
people have nowadays.
I must've told Diane
1000 times what I do.
She still thinks I
work at a record store.
That's amazing.
What am I, 16?
A lot of people your age
work at a record store.
[Miles] Yeah, but come
on, look how I'm dressed.
What?
What?
You like music?
Yeah.
It's the music of the gods.
Music is the
music of the gods.
I've never heard it put
quite that way before.
Well, my father was a poet.
Come on in.
Take a load off.
I'm gonna get some
pistachios for the table.
Here you go.
Hope you don't have it.
It's not my birthday.
It's Felix's.
You remember Felix.
[Fletcher] Oh, right,
your friend Felix.
Yeah.
[Fletcher] Well,
I'll give it to him.
Where is he?
Hey, let me get you some
more Travis wheat, Fletcher.
You're gonna love this.
Well, if I am here, it
means the week is over.
Thank God, what
are you doing here?
I was invited, too.
I'm friends with Travis.
No, I don't mean that.
What are you doing here?
You can't be here.
We both can't be here.
Who's minding the store?
Company.
Company, Fletcher.
Okay, if you're here,
then who's in the studio
for the mixing session
that started an
hour and a half ago?
Oops.
I'm sure Hector and
Roman are there.
Yeah, and the woman that
refills the napkins in the John.
Didn't we say that
you would cover for me
so I could have a night off?
Yeah.
Right.
Good night, everybody.
Oh, no, Fletcher.
Hey, don't worry, Fletcher.
When the promotion goes through,
we'll be making
our own hours, huh?
You know, I'm too tired
to even think about that.
I'm swamped.
I hope you or Tony gets it.
Yeah, Tony'd be great.
Type A.
(clicking tongue)
Anyway, I remember once-
Careful on your way out.
Hello'?
Christ, this is ridiculous.
Did the doorman just let you up?
What doorman?
Beautiful.
Could you hold on
one moment, please?
Carlos, Carlos!
Escuche mi, Carlos.
Is Travis here?
Hey, there he is!
Our own David Henning.
Uh, could you take, I
didn't even hear you appear.
Travis?
I got some more
stuff in the cab.
Sure, no problem,
your otherworldliness.
Why don't you just
drop your stuff
and I'll tell Carlos
to let you back up.
No need.
Is he the stripper?
Apparently.
Good-looking.
I'm sorry.
We haven't been
properly introduced.
I'm Ally.
I'm Sandy Diloff.
[Ally] You have
beautiful long hair.
Thank you.
You have really
pretty hair, too.
Just because Ally Sheedy
says she likes your hair,
you don't have to say
the identical thing.
I don't-
- Don't be so nervous, Sandy.
Anyway, Ally.
(clearing throat)
- Who was that?
- Hmm?
Who was that?
Oh, a magician.
A magician?
Yeah, that's Don, the, uh,
I don't know if he's got
a stage name or anything,
but we'll find out.
He's the real deal.
Travis, what is he doing here?
He's the entertainment.
I don't want to
get into a whole.
East Coast, West Coast thing.
Entertain, we are
having a dinner party.
Birthday party, Diane.
For someone who's
how old, Travis?
My man is 33 today.
Yeah, you got a
clown coming, too?
(laughing)
Get rid of the guy.
I can't do that.
It's not West
Coast, East coast.
It's West side, East side.
[Diane] Why not?
[Travis] He's a
friend, a buddy.
- What?
- I know him.
He's a down-on-his-luck guy.
He's had a lot of
hard breaks, okay?
He used to be in the
software business,
and it didn't really pan out.
He's kind of a free spirit.
He's not really employable.
Why isn't he employable?
Uh, well, he,
uh, got divorced,
and he lost the custody battle,
and he turned to the bottle.
Oh, Travis.
But he's in AA now,
and he's found magic,
and he's doing great.
Travis, is it your birthday?
No, no, it's not my birthday.
It's my buddy Felix's.
The prick.
Hey, I got song
sheets for everybody.
Here we go.
Pass this down there.
Where is Felix?
Uh, he'll be here.
He called.
When did he call?
Earlier.
When earlier?
Before you got here, Phil.
Before, uh, any of you got here.
You weren't with
me the whole day.
(knocking on door)
There's my buddy!
Oh, God, what a prick.
[Felix] Man, I've been
out there for 40 minutes.
Everybody Felix
It's Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
It's Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
He's old in the best way
Travis, Carlos just
let another person up.
Fuck, you're right!
Did he take your
name or anything?
Who?
Oh, I'll be right back.
Everybody Felix
Hey, hey, hey, hey
You have a pretty voice.
Thanks.
I'm sorry.
- Come on, Felix, sit down.
- I gotta make a call.
He doesn't seem very happy
that it's his birthday.
Travis and Felix
have known each other
since high school.
Travis considers
Felix his best friend,
but the popular consensus
is that Felix is difficult.
Frankly, if he
had a personality,
which I don't think
he does, Ally,
but if he did, underneath it all
would just be some
kind of an asshole.
You know those kind of people.
Oh, uh, yeah.
You know, like
a Kevin Costner.
Oh.
Why would you say that?
I mean, I heard he was nice.
Oh, you know Kevin Costner?
No, I just, I don't know him.
I just heard that he was nice.
From who?
Woody Harrelson?
It must be, uh
somewhat of a treat
to put on some
warm clothing now.
You know, weather
change and all.
[Ally] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Oh, there he is, my buddy.
Yep, you're over here at
the head of the table.
You're the guest of honor.
Come on, Phil, let's go.
(whistles)
Let's go, come on, man.
All right, my man.
So, my birthday boy,
how did my birthday
boy spend his birthday?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
That doesn't sound too festive.
Hey, Diane can't get the
stove to work properly.
You want some cereal
or something like that?
I don't want any cereal.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Looking good over there.
Exciting stuff.
Yeah, well, I'm
pretty much, uh,
set up.
- All right.
- You got a cigarette?
Oh, yeah, sure.
- You can take a couple.
- No, just one.
If I take two,
I'll smoke two.
I'm not really one
for self control, I guess.
I understand.
Whoa.
Hey!
I don't know you,
I don't know you.
I've seen you in movies.
Darien.
Travis' girlfriend.
Wife.
Right.
Hello, Philip.
Hello, Felix.
I'm Sandy Diloff.
Dilhoff?
Diloff.
Diloff.
Very pretty name.
Thank you.
Hey, look, you want
something to eat?
We got plenty.
No, no, I'm gonna
go get a burger,
get my head together
before the show.
Good idea, great.
Okay, hey, listen.
I'm really looking
forward to this.
I know this is gonna be great.
Thanks, thanks.
Do you remember when she was
in that movie "Short Circuit?"
Hey, Don, Don, Don.
I forgot to ask you.
You got a name?
Don.
No, no, I mean
like a magic name,
like Don the Mysterious
or something.
Don,
Don.
Yeah, okay.
Hey, Felix, before I forget,
this one is from Fletcher.
Who?
Uh, Fletcher.
He works with Miles,
dark hair, nice guy.
Oh, dark hair, nice guy.
Fletcher?
- Right.
- Oh, yeah, I guess.
Uh-oh.
(imitating baseball charge)
[Diane] Here, want
me to take that?
[Travis] Get rid
of that, please.
Whoa.
[All] Ohh!
Nice.
My man's got a new lid.
Wow, that's great.
I'm sure I'll find a place
in my closet for this.
In the meantime,
why don't you find
a place in your closet for it,
and I wear it
whenever I come over.
Hey, good idea.
It's on hold.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Felix.
Oh, come on.
You met him like 1000 times.
Why do you gotta be a dick?
Have I met you 1000 times?
I don't know.
No.
No, not 1000.
See?
1000 times.
Let's play a game.
Miles?
Miles.
Miles!
- [Miles] What?
- Oh, shit.
Stay there!
- What?
- We gotta keep it down.
The bedroom door
is not soundproof.
Okay, let's pick somebody.
How about,
my man Felix.
It's gotta be him.
It's his birthday.
Okay, I'll go get Miles.
It's gonna be you, buddy.
We chose a guy, and he
asked a question like,
for instance, "What kind of
car would this person be?"
You would say, like, a mustang.
Or an Edsel.
[Ally] Oh, yeah,
I've done this game.
Acting class.
Okay, Travis.
If this person were-
- [Diane] Travis?
Oh, Jesus.
What?
[Diane] Could you come
here a second, please?
We're playing the game.
- Travis.
- Jesus.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Okay.
Ms. Sheedy.
If this person were
a car, what kind of
car would they be?
A Mustang.
Interesting.
A Mustang.
I know you like Felix.
Yeah, Felix is the man.
Yeah, but do you want
to know what I think?
I think that Felix not
only is not the man,
but Felix doesn't
have a personality,
and beneath the banal
exterior that he has.
Is just an asshole.
Diane!
The only reason, don't
you play stupid, Travis.
The only reason that this turned
into a sort of birthday
party for Felix
is that I wanted to
have a dinner party.
You wanted to invite Felix,
and it just so happened
that the event fell
somewhere around his birthday.
This is not an effort that
comes directly from my heart.
If this person were
a bodily function,
what kind of a bodily
function would they be?
- Shit.
- It's Sandy.
No, it's not Sandy.
Oh, okay.
I just thought because
we have this thing.
(clearing throat)
(sighing)
Ms. Sheedy.
You, you have
got to calm down.
No, no, no, I
will not calm down.
I've got a room full of
hungry people out there.
They're snacking on pistachios.
That's not the way I was raised.
And I can see by your eyes
that we can eliminate Philip.
Well, why don't you try
and cater some of this?
I want them to go.
Please, I want them to go.
Oh, come on.
If you love me,
you'll kill them.
I want 'em to die!
"Everybody Felix."
That's horrible.
I've got people out
there of my class.
Your class.
Diane-
- Oh, my god, what
are you doing?
- What?
- Put that out.
Put that, for Christ's sake,
would you put that out!
Everybody is smoking.
Well, you know there is no
smoking in this house, Travis,
plus you quit.
- I didn't quit.
- You know what,
they should all just put out
their fucking cigarettes.
Yeah, right.
Are you gonna go out there
and tell Ally Sheedy to
put out her cigarette?
- Oh, yes, I will.
- Yeah, right.
Okay, you just watch me.
Okay, Ms. Sheedy,
if this person were a famous,
not as famous as you,
but a famous person-
- Excuse me.
Ally Sheedy, would you
please put that out?
Oh, of course.
I'm sorry.
He'll be here any minute.
I like the coffee in Germany.
Yeah.
In the Germany, they
know how to grind beans.
Italy has good coffee, too,
but if you don't know
how to grind the beans,
you know?
Yeah.
Well, then it's acidic.
The foam rises to the
top of your stomach,
becomes gaseous.
Oh, did I miss the
coffee bean story?
Oh, goddamn it!
God, Diane, you
tell that so well.
I love that little
trip to Europe.
Oh, you know, it's all
in the grinding, fellas,
because, you know, if you
can't grind the beans right.
You know, Diane, every
time you tell that story,
it just sounds more
and more spontaneous.
Really, it's starting to sound
like real conversation to me.
You promise you're gonna
tell it again, Diane?
Will you promise?
It's my birthday.
What are you looking at?
Has everyone seen the
picture of Philip's kid?
No.
Phil, you got a kid?
[Phil] No, I don't have a kid.
Oh, yes, yes, you do.
For only nickels a month, too.
It's, uh, it's Jobeen, isn't it?
If you all must know, I
support a Venezuelan child
through the International
Children's Organization.
His name isn't Jobeen,
it's Joaquin.
[Travis] That's nice, Phil.
Yeah, that's marvelous.
[Philip] Thank you, thank you.
This is your second
kid now, isn't it, Phil?
No, no, it's not.
Oh, yes, yes, it is,
because something
happened to the other kid.
Why don't you tell Ally Sheedy
what happened to the other kid?
Maybe she won't find
that so marvelous.
Why don't you
just shut up, Felix?
Hey, if there was
a second kid, Philip,
I think you ought to tell us.
[Felix] Yeah.
Well, apparently,
the organization,
ICO, will intervene,
(clearing throat)
If you miss a few payments.
Um, it had been a tough year.
You all know what happened
with Margaret and me,
and I forgot a few things-
- And the boy died.
What?
No, the boy did not die.
They just took
custody of the boy.
I'm sure they gave
him to somebody else,
someone who wouldn't forget.
Why would they tell you?
You forfeited your right
to that information.
I'm surprised they
gave you another one.
Why don't you
just shut up, Felix?
Oh, look, Philip.
I'm helping you out.
You only got two
stories, a divorced wife
and the dead kid.
Now you get to tell them both.
Philip, how is Margaret?
We haven't seen her in a while.
Maybe that's 'cause we got
divorced, you fucking idiot!
We were divorced.
It's better this way.
I think I, I think
I hear the food.
Hear the food?
I'm gonna give
Margaret a call.
Phil, here.
This is for the boy,
just something I
had laying around.
You fucking asshole!
(all shouting)
Oh, that's great, Philip.
Some birthday this
turned out to be.
Almost getting punched out.
Hey, fuck you, Travis.
Philip, man, calm down!
- Yeah, Philip, grow up.
- Shut up, record boy!
Hey, hey, hey,
that's it, that's it,
that's it!
Okay, neutral corners.
Phil, why don't you go out
into the hall and
cool down, okay, huh?
I don't have that here.
Philip!
Philip!
Glad you came?
Oh, you know,
it's, uh, just, uh,
more grist for the mill.
(laughing)
Drama.
Hey, hey, Don.
I was getting worried about you.
No worries.
Yeah, so, uh, so
you get that burger?
So, uh, so you ready to
dazzle the light fantastic?
Get everyone together.
(laughing)
Don't touch that!
That sucks.
Haven't you ever
not paid a bill?
I hardly think
it's the same thing.
Believe me, it's the same.
It's not like I
ever met the kid.
You know, all I
got is some blurry
black and white photos.
I'm convinced
they're stock photos.
Probably thousands of
people in the United States
looking at the same
picture of little Joaquin.
You don't really
mean all that.
Well, I might, but for the
sake of this conversation,
I'm gonna say that I don't.
Fuck me.
What?
[Don] All right, everybody.
Let's get ready for some magic
with Don.
(upbeat music)
(all clapping)
When your Cundelini's rising
(all clapping)
And your spirits
are a-falling
There is someone on
the phone for you
It's the magic
man, he's calling
Hello, is this your card
Can you feel the
magic in the air
Who is the one
with the magic
It's me
Show me the magic,
how you feeling
I'm fine
Show me the magic
one day at a time
Wow!
Hello, is this your card
Can you feel the magic
(flame hissing)
(Don screaming)
No, like this.
Can I get a little help?
Push, don't pull.
That's a terrific act.
Diane, get the cake ready.
We gotta sing to my man.
There's my baby with the cake!
One, two, three!
Everybody Felix
It's Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
He's old in the best way
Come on.
Everybody, what?
Felix left.
Good, let's eat the cake.
(blowing)
(light orchestral music)
(knocking on door)
Oh!
Let's see what we got here.
Um, let me guess.
Spiderman, right?
Am I right, hmm?
Do you speak?
Does he speak?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, then what do you
say, web-slinging man?
I forgot.
Who does Spider-Man fight, huh?
Trick or treat.
Okay, all right, here you go.
Come on, catch.
Good evening.
[Diane] Toodle-oo.
(sobbing)
(light orchestral music)
Thank you so much, Molly,
for helping me get
this thing together.
- Where's Busby?
- Shh!
He's in the bedroom napping.
It has been so nice
to have my little
nephew around this week.
I mean, he's only seven,
but he's my little man.
Hmm, yeah.
I hate kids.
Ever since Travis and I split,
I've been a little bit
scattered, you know?
Good, but scattered.
Well, you've known each
other since you were teens.
So Saturday he started
staying at Felix's house.
Oh, it's just been a week?
(knocking on door)
It's over.
I'll get it!
(Miles roaring)
[Miles] Ooh, sorry.
Don't know you.
(chuckling)
Hey, it's me, Miles.
Whoo, surprise!
Hi, Miles.
Miles, this is Molly.
Molly, Miles.
Nice suit, looks expensive.
(Miles roars)
[Miles] Ooh, candy corn!
First one to arrive?
[Miles] Ow, shit!
Miles, whoa!
Miles, watch it.
[Miles] Damn,
this is annoying.
Ah, uhh!
Did you bring a date, Miles?
[Miles] Whew.
(chuckles)
Nope, but I'm looking
to meet some people.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What's your name?
Louise Harvey.
Harvey?
It's not really Harvey, is it?
That, that's the same
name as my rabbit.
You know, do, do, do
you know my rabbit?
It, it's kind of
tall, but his name-
- I don't know
what you're doing.
But, talking about Harvey.
He's, he's quite a tall rabbit,
but not really a rabbit.
He's a pooka.
I don't like
what you're doing.
Oh, you don't?
Well, uh, uh, uh,
it's a picture, you know, about-
- Why are you still doing it?
Well, I, I don't
know why I'm doing it.
Hey, Philly cheese steak!
Diane.
Mmm!
You look nice.
I'm a whore.
(chuckles)
Are you Hitler?
No, of course not.
I just put on a mustache.
(sighs)
[Miles] Heil!
[Darien] Howdy.
Howdy.
Mmm.
Travis' ex is gonna
get fucked tonight.
Taking that costume
seriously, huh?
Who should it be?
Hmm.
Philip?
Nah.
Too stiff.
Probably doesn't like sex.
[Miles] Oh, my
god, it's amazing.
[Molly] Miles.
Are you joking?
You said you were
gonna get fucked.
I didn't think you
were gonna be choosy.
What about Darien?
[Molly] You don't wanna fuck
anybody prettier than you.
Besides, I think he's
having a really good time
with Rae Dawn Chong.
(Fletcher roars)
[Fletcher] Jeez,
that was hard.
[Miles] Hey there, Fletcher.
[Fletcher] Oh, god.
(laughs)
[Diane] That's
very becoming on you.
- I'm leaving.
- No.
Stay.
- You think?
- Yeah.
Stay.
What are you?
What?
I mean, your costume.
Oh.
(laughs)
I totally forgot I had it on.
I'm the New York subway system.
Oh.
Before or after the
last fare increase?
I don't think that
it would matter.
Well, you're an express,
that's what's important.
[Miles] Hey, boss.
Tried these peanuts?
[Fletcher] No.
Hey, listen, did you
make those calls?
[Miles] Nah, I
didn't have time.
[Fletcher] Fuck!
Oh, jeez!
(sighs)
That's cool, that's cool.
[Miles] Hey, nice costume.
[Fletcher] Didn't,
didn't we agree
that I was gonna
go as the lizard?
Yeah, we did,
but I couldn't think
of anything to be.
So at the last minute, I ran out
and bought this baby.
Yeah, yeah, but didn't
we say that I was gonna go
as the lizard?
Yeah, we did.
Drink this.
- What is it?
- Just drink it.
I don't want-
- Drink it or Diane said
she's gonna hit you.
(vomiting)
Ohh!
Diane!
- [Diane] What?
- This kid vomited.
Oh, Busby.
Ohh!
He reeks of liquor.
All right, get lost.
You stink.
(intercom buzzes)
[Diane] Hello?
Who is it?
[Carlos] It's Travis Blinkoff.
[Travis] Travis!
[Carlos] Wait!
[Philip] What
are you dressed as?
[Diane] Send him up, I guess.
Well, I'm not too sure if
I really like what you are.
Oh, no, it's not
what you think.
I just put on this mustache.
[Fletcher] I don't understand.
If you're starting
with this in ADD,
why would you want to
change it to anything else?
[Miles] All right, hold on.
Let me-
What are you doing?
[Miles] I just want
to show you, okay?
Now, if this is the
direct box, right?
It has a male RCA there.
You can't use canon to canon.
I'm standing there,
being announced,
and this ghost walks right up!
Well, you do not
live here, Travis,
and the guests
must be buzzed up.
(scoffs)
Yeah, right, was
anybody here buzzed up?
- I think I was.
- You look good.
I'm a bum, Diane.
I'm supposed to look terrible.
Didn't want to dress up, huh?
Eat shit, Travis.
[Fletcher] You know, I think
I have two left-handed paws.
Do you have one of my paws?
[Miles] You know,
mine have felt weird
since I went to the bathroom.
[Fletcher] Is it possible?
Let me see your right hand.
[Miles] I don't, I can't get
my right hand into the paw.
[Fletcher] Give
me your left hand.
[Miles] Okay.
I bought this.
No lawyer in the world
would let you have it.
(ashtray breaks)
Diane!
[Diane] What?
Uh, you got a dust buster?
You know I don't
have a dust buster.
How do I know what
you did this week?
Well, I didn't go out
and buy a dust buster.
Jesus.
Sorry, babe, diane.
[Miles] Do you know The Cars?
(camera whirring)
For my bar.
No, I've never met Ric Ocasek.
[Diane] Don't you walk around
this place like you own it.
Do you mind if I
go to the bathroom?
Well, if you don't
dribble on the towel.
I won't put up with
that shit any more.
[Miles] Lovers' spat.
How could you not know
you look like Hitler?
[Fletcher] You know, ever
since I got the promotion
and Miles didn't,
it's these little
acting-out things
that really stick in my craw.
[Miles] Do you mind
if I ask you a question
about one of our
national treasures,
Marlon Brando?
I don't know if you recall,
but one of Brando's
earlier movies
placed Marlon on a
ship, a ship of war.
Marlon, the captain of the ship,
using all of his acting skills,
and I understand that he liked
to put notes around the set
because he didn't like
to memorize lines.
Anyway, it was a stormy night,
Marlon turns to his first mate.
"First mate!
Get ye to the deck
and grab the wheel!"
It just gave me
shivers all over.
The only time I felt that
way was when I saw "Annie."
Do you know Annie?
It's still playing,
I understand.
Silly.
You look very silly.
I was gonna say
I look less like-
- An idiot.
[Miles] "Get ye to the
deck and grab the wheel!"
"Aye, aye, captain."
Which, uh, is a drama technique
that told me that
he was the captain.
So right there we
knew the relationship.
First mate and captain.
I found it brilliant.
(upbeat funk music)
You should've
brought the kids along.
They'd have so much
fun playing with Busby.
"Busby, you're
pulling on Jobeen.
Dinner."
"Oh, oh, hungry!"
It makes me feel so old.
You don't look old, Darien.
You look beautiful.
Hey, handsome.
That's, it's just the costume.
Ooh!
Look at what we got here.
(laughs)
Hey, hey, Jeez!
Cut it out, Diane.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Diane!
- It's such a great idea.
[Travis] Hey!
Hey, buddy.
You, uh, lookin' for me?
Sure, why not?
Yeah.
Hey, I apologize.
I haven't been very
social tonight,
but I'm kind of hiding out.
I think it's good
you're hiding out.
People are pretty
uncomfortable having you here.
Yeah.
Well, screw 'em, right?
Right?
We can stay here.
It's like that other party's
not even going on out there.
Oh, no, no.
It's going on.
Travis, don't kid yourself.
People are in the living room.
You're in a closet.
Well, it's our
tough luck, huh?
Hey, go grab a chair.
- And do what with it?
- Saddle up to the bar.
What, are we gonna
drink in shifts in here?
Yeah, right.
So, uh, Rae Dawn Chong, huh?
Hmm?
You brought Rae Dawn
Chong to the party.
Oh, yeah.
You know, just because I'm
in the same business
with Marlon Brando-
- [Fletcher] I think that
you may have been speaking
to the other lizard.
The last time you were here,
you brought Ally Sheedy.
Yeah.
Two parties, two celebrities.
Well, actually, Rae's
an old family friend.
Clark Gable was an
old friend of my family.
All right, my man.
The He-Man Women-Haters Club
can officially come to order.
What can I get you?
Uh, what do you got?
Home brew or, uh...
(bottles clanking)
Malibu.
Malibu?
Jesus.
Uh,
the home brew, I guess.
All right, my man,
and Malibu for me.
Okay.
Uh, goddamn it.
Diane turned this thing
back into a linen closet.
Hold on a second.
Hey, check out the
wall of fame here.
(door clicking)
Ally Sheedy.
When the hell was she here?
(glass shattering)
Ohh!
Miles!
I'm calling you,
I'm calling you on it.
Just say what you're
trying to say to me, Phil.
You're a star fucker.
Or a star person.
I guess I am.
You're a star fucker?
Well, I guess so.
I mean, I certainly know a
lot of well-known people.
You ever fuck any of these-
- Did you notice that Diane's
acting a little
strangely tonight?
Well, she and Travis split up.
What?
She didn't tell you?
No.
Oh, no.
(heavy breathing)
[Miles] Oh, excuse me!
Close the door, Miles.
It's Miles.
- It's Miles.
- What's Miles?
Outside.
Shh!
(knocking on door)
Don't, please don't!
[Miles] Is this a room?
Travis!
Jesus!
Open the door!
Travis!
God!
[Miles] What are
you guys doing, blow?
- Ohh!
- What is this place?
[Travis] It's a
brewery, asshole!
[Miles] Looks
like a linen closet.
Now does it look
like a linen closet?
No, Travis.
Now it looks like a bar.
[Travis] Fuckin'-a!
[Felix] I'm
having a great time.
- Ow!
- What?
Ow!
Miles!
[Miles] I'm gonna gag here.
Miles!
Are you in or are you out?
[Miles] I'm in.
Fine, then we have
to lose a chair.
All right, coming out.
Watch it, Miles.
You coming back, buddy?
Yes!
I'm just putting
this in the hallway.
Is that a room?
(Miles clears throat)
[Miles] Hey, home brew.
Is that the same
batch as last time?
Yeah, you want one?
[Miles] Uh, no, actually.
Wait, I'm gonna get something
from the other party.
[Travis] Fine.
Say hello to the
other losers for me.
Lonesome, drunken
Drunken on whiskey
Whiskey and saddle
bags made of Tequila
On the prairie
(door clicking)
[Miles] Singing?
No.
[Miles] Ah.
Miles!
Hey, my home brew.
Wouldn't that be
neat if I started
calling you "home brew"?
No.
You should get a
video game in here.
[Travis] Video games?
This is a bar.
We're here to drink.
I know, but all bars
got a little something.
Pinball, foosball, pool table.
Oh, hold on a second.
Hey, check out the wall of fame.
Hey, pilgrim.
Do you have any idea where
a guy could take a leak?
Get up!
Get up, you scum-sucking pig.
I can't read.
And the bathroom
is down the hall
on your right.
Well, I'm awfully glad
ya told me, pilgrim.
He looked at me
like I was a bug.
You're my little friend.
What?
I know.
I love you, too.
(Miles roars)
You wanted games?
I got the classic bar game.
The game of kings.
Golf?
No, not golf.
Uh, think, think bar sport.
Uh, uh, think classic bar sport.
Not golf?
No.
Think game!
Think, think kings.
[Miles] Well, I
already said foosball,
and you looked at me
like I was insane.
Think pub.
Uh-
- All right, uh,
another bloody
pint and a game of-
- Okay!
- Yeah, what?
Golf?
Step back, Miles.
Darts!
Yeah, three
throws for a dollar.
All right, I'm in.
My wallet.
I'd have to take this
entire thing off.
It's all right.
Just give me a driver's license
for a deposit on the darts.
Okay.
I'd have to take off
this entire thing.
Just take the darts, Miles.
- Thanks, home brew.
- Miles, cut it out.
[Miles] Nice toss.
[Travis] Thanks.
So what's going on
with you and Diane?
My life's over.
Well, you came back.
I knew you would.
- Mm-hmm.
- Next stop, Philip.
Please don't start
with that again.
Sorry.
I feel like I'm 18 again.
[Miles] Weren't you and
Travis dating when you were 18?
I think you know
what I mean, Miles.
[Miles] I do, home brew.
What did you just call me?
[Miles] Home brew.
Well, don't call
me that again, Miles.
Ohh!
Waaa!
Oh, ow, ow, ow!
Lizard.
Lizard.
Lizard.
Lizard.
You icky-icky lizard.
Roaring lizard!
(Miles roars)
Ohh!
What big eyes you have!
(Miles roaring)
What big teeth you have!
(Miles roars)
Are you hungry?
[Miles] Yes, I'm hungry!
(laughs)
What the,
ow!
Ow!
Goddamn it, lady!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Did you vote?
I did.
What the hell are you doing?
Goddamn it!
[Diane] Darien!
I vote green occasionally.
- Darien, I was calling you!
- Get up!
Spanky, spanky, spanky
Pinchy, pinchy, pinchy, kick
What are you doing?
Do you mind?
(sobbing)
Okay, okay.
Uppy, uppy.
(spitting)
Diane!
You know what, I think
I'm gonna go get a towel.
[Darien] I'll go with you.
[Diane] Stay here.
Diane!
Jeez, you're full
of beer tonight.
If I was on the schoolyard
and I pushed you down,
it would mean I
like you, Darien.
Yeah, well, here,
off the schoolyard,
it just means you're drunk.
We slide!
Oh, god, take me into-
- [Diane] Come on!
Giddyap, giddyap!
Punchy, punchy!
Kick me, kick me!
Aah!
You know what I've, oh, Jesus.
Wow.
Nice outfit.
- Oh, thank you.
- Great, really.
Thanks, thank you.
You know, I was
gonna dress up.
I was gonna go as Philip's kid.
You know, Philip's dead kid?
Oh, poor little Senegal Sam.
I want to show you something.
Shh.
Oh, dear, dear Darien.
It's not too late to dress up.
Give me the pillow
over there, Molly.
I want to distend the belly.
What's, what's the kid's name?
It's Laguna?
It's Abuna.
Abuna.
Not that it matters to you.
You are a handsome man.
Stay right there.
(giggles)
Ow!
Fuck.
You all right?
[Diane] Stay there.
Poor little Jobeen.
So hungry.
But my payments
haven't come through.
Did my nickel come
from papa Philip?
No?
Then I will wait
like I did last month
and the month before that.
It's only a nickel.
One nickel.
Please!
Papa, please!
(upbeat music)
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
Yellow flowers on the ground
And the sunbeams shine
Is, is this what
you wanted to show me?
Okay, I think I should go.
No, no, okay, okay, okay.
Jeez, where's your
sense of adventure?
Outside.
Very funny.
Look, you and I are friends.
Diane, I-
- Ah, Philip, the third
world weeps tonight.
Are you always this funny?
Well, I like to imagine I am.
That is me.
That's very cute.
Isn't it?
Very cute.
I think that's
the best me, Darien.
[Darien] Mm-hmm.
And that is my father.
He's handsome, huh?
Very, very.
That's my mom.
Thank god I didn't
inherit those hips.
She's very pretty.
Very pretty.
You're sweet.
You're a sweet,
sweet man, Darien.
Uh, who's this?
Oh!
That?
Travis' father.
Ooh, cocksucker.
Excuse what I just said.
Oh, and there's Travis.
There he is.
Will be trapped
together forever.
Oh!
Whoops, now you've
seen me naked.
Yes, I guess I have.
Would you like to see
a more recent picture
of me naked?
- Well, what, uh-
- What?
What?
Cheese!
[Fletcher] Where's Rae?
She, uh, left with Fletcher.
Big gossip, huh?
[Fletcher] But I'm Fletcher.
[Woman] Thanks so much!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit is right.
Okay, that's it.
That fucking idiot's fired.
- Good night, guys.
- Good night.
See you later, you two.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
[Miles] Oh, you didn't yell.
Well, I'm sorry I got so mad.
[Miles] You did not get mad.
Really?
[Miles] Really.
Why don't you
take that hat off?
Let's kiss.
[Miles] I've been waiting
for this all night long.
Oh!
(laughs)
You're the wrong lizard.
(both laughing)
Wait, wait, you're
the wrong lizard.
Where's, no, I'm serious.
Okay.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
(chainsaw whirring)
(woman on TV screams)
(woman on TV screaming)
(upbeat music)
Oh, Travis, darling,
let's never break up again ever.
After what happened to Felix,
it just confirms my belief
that this is a mean, ugly,
cruel, cruel world.
Yeah.
(upbeat music)
(intercom buzzes)
(intercom buzzes)
Hello?
[Carlos] There's
someone to see you.
- Carlos?
- Yes?
- Carlos, is that you?
- Yes.
- Great.
- There's someone to see you.
Hey, Carlos, thank you.
This is the first
time that you've-
- [Felix] Travis?
Hello?
[Felix] Travis, it's Felix.
Who was that, honey?
The caterers?
It's Felix.
- What?
- I know!
I'm as surprised as anybody.
I thought you said
he was in the hospital.
He was.
A lot of hospitals.
Well, is he walking, Travis?
He's on his way up.
He must be walking.
Well, after what you told me,
I didn't expect ever
to see him again.
I know, neither did I,
but I never got the full story.
I mean, all I know is-
(knocking on door)
Travis!
Get back, get back!
May I come in?
Of course, buddy.
You don't need no
invitation from me.
This is for you and Diane.
Hey, looks expensive.
Okay.
Uh, let's do it.
Come on in.
Sorry, buddy.
Am I the first one here?
Uh, yeah.
I don't think most
people are coming
until around eight.
What time is it now?
Uh, six, seven
after three, buddy.
- Oh.
- Hey, no worries!
No worries!
Come on in.
Let's, uh,
let's watch some of that tube.
Let's watch some
pre-show Rose Bowl stuff.
Okay.
(referee blows whistle on TV)
Toffee?
(cheerleaders performing on TV)
Uh,
you want to, uh,
I gotta get something.
Gotta go, Diane.
You go Diane.
Thanks.
I'll be right back, buddy.
Oh, shit.
What, what's going on?
It's him, it's him!
Yeah, I know it's
him, what's he doing?
Not much.
I put him in front of the TV,
but I don't think
he's really watching.
Why is he here
so early, Travis?
Because we're
having a party, Diane.
We're having a
party in five hours.
Diane, he's my friend, okay?
I don't tell you who
to be friends with.
Okay, okay, Travis.
You go out there and
watch TV with your friend.
I'm not going out there.
[Referee] On the
offense, five-yard penalty,
repeat first down.
Hey, happy new year.
Let's, uh-
- Honey,
Come on.
We got time.
He's whacked out.
(marching band music)
[Woman] Make yourself at home.
[Man] You gonna
match me beer for beer?
I'm from down the hall.
Neighbor.
I'm Felix.
Good to meet you.
[Sandy] The walls
are still blue.
I can't believe that.
We could always
go to Jake's later
if it gets dull.
Yeah, yeah.
Grab me a drink, okay?
- Sure.
- Okay, baby.
[Philip] Sandy.
Philip.
Hello.
Hmm.
Sorry I haven't returned
any of your calls.
I've just been really busy
with my painting and stuff.
Who's, uh, the dream date?
Oh, Dr. Bjornman.
Oh.
He doesn't like
when I say "doctor."
You know, it's not MD, it's PhD.
I forgot the pussy willows.
What?
I, I had a whole
bunch of pussy willows
I was gonna bring.
As a gift?
- Really?
- Yeah.
Hey, hey!
My man.
Home brew!
Lookin' good.
Darien was just
telling me that he's gay.
At least let me tell him.
Yeah, right.
I'm serious.
No, I'm serious.
Hey, it's New Year's,
not April Fool's, guys.
Maybe this was a bad idea.
Gee, what's your name again?
Molly Jean.
Jean?
Hold it, hold it.
I dream
Of Jeannie
With the light brown hair
I don't think Dean Martin
ever did Stephen Foster.
Oh, my god!
I can't believe she
got the Dean Martin
and the Stephen Foster,
the whole thing both together.
I can't, this is,
uh, oh!
You know how Dick
Clark drops a ball
on Times Square
every, every year?
No.
Oh, yeah, you do.
New Year's Rockin' Eve!
The crowds in Times Square.
The, at midnight we
go Into a new year.
Bands playing-
- Oh, yeah!
Right!
On the TV, yeah, I know
that, I've been there.
Okay, well, this year,
I'm droppin' a ball, too.
This year,
Times Square's
comes to Brooklyn.
Wanna help?
No, but I'll watch
when you're done.
All right.
Viewer's choice.
(sighs)
Miles,
is Darien really gay?
Gay as a heart attack.
(light guitar music)
Hey, happy new year.
Before I start avoiding you,
I thought we ought to speak.
Sure.
Obviously there's some
unfinished business here
between the two of us.
Diane, really,
look, I'm fine with,
with everything.
Hmm.
Well, how amnesiac of you.
Do I know you?
- Not yet.
- What are you looking at?
Well, I'm sorry, Darien,
but I can't just pretend
like nothing happened.
Look,
the last time you were here,
we did and said
some things that we,
well, that maybe
should have been said.
I mean, you've made it
no secret over the years
about the way you feel about me.
But I must admit it was a
bit opportunistic of you
to make those feelings clear
so close to my break-up.
I think you're remembering it-
- And unsuspecting Travis
looks like a clown
prince to everyone
as he fuels you with drinks,
unknowingly enhancing
your already
blatantly public overtures.
My overtures?
Like I said, Darien,
maybe it was good to
finally get it all out.
It is.
It's good to finally
get it all out.
It's good to get it all out
so that I can finally tell you,
that I am so flattered,
but I'm married.
And I just can't
seem to think of you
as anything but the great
friend that you are to me.
(clears throat)
I understand.
And you know what?
You are going to be a
real lady-killer someday.
Oh, yes.
Come here, come.
Now, I want you to go out there
and get 'em, tiger!
Okay?
Okay.
Diane, not, not that
it really matters much,
but, uh...
What?
I'm so sorry.
No, I'm flattered,
I'm flattered.
I'm such a stupid,
stupid, stupid woman!
Diane, really,
it's, it's okay.
Really.
Can I have a sip?
Thanks.
Molly, you remember Miles.
Diane, you've introduced
us, like 1000 times.
Well, not 1000-
- Miles works at a record,
and I always get this wrong,
a record company.
Store.
No, I usually say store.
Company.
Store.
I sell 'em, Diane.
How old are you?
Could have sworn
it was company.
No, I used to work
at a record company.
Now I work at a record store.
I, I was fired.
Ahh.
Philip, Philip!
The scuttlebutt is,
no pun intended,
you know the pun
I'm talking about
when I drop this
bombshell on you.
Yes, Travis, it's
a little difficult
for me to decipher any
pun you may have intended
when I have no idea what the
hell you're talking about.
Right, right.
Okay.
Is, um, okay, all right.
Our man Darien "The
Face" Offenburger.
Is not exactly not gay.
- What?
- Right.
Right, I know, I know.
Okay, uh, Miles just
announced semi-secretly
to a handful of us
that, uh, Darien,
if a young lady were to
make her intentions known,
Darien might not be
receptive to her advances,
or for that matter,
any of the her's
advances for that matter.
- What?
- I know, I know, I know.
For real, let me
spell it out for you.
Darien is N-O-T-H-E-T-E-R-O.
Nothero?
No, not,
N-O-T-H, Darien's gay!
Yeah, of course.
What?
I've known he was gay
ever since I met him.
I don't tell a lot
of people this, but
I was in love with
a gay man once.
I mean, I knew it
wouldn't work out,
but, and I wasn't
trying to change him.
I wouldn't try to
change anybody.
You know, who they
are is the best them.
You thought that our
man Darien was gay?
I had an idea.
Now that he said it,
it seems to make sense.
What would give you that idea?
I don't know.
The way he acts.
The way he dresses.
The feeling you get
when you're around him.
[, I don't know.
What?
The way he dresses?
Darien dresses hip.
What, is Fletcher gay?
Fletcher's straight.
Darien's gay.
Oh, man.
What?
That's reverse racism.
What are you talking about?
I can't believe
you're standing here
talking about Darien that way.
That's reverse racism.
First of all, it's
not reverse racism
because Darien's gay.
Well, then it's just racism.
It has nothing
to do with race.
Okay, it's not racism.
You're a homophobe.
Why?
Because I knew Darien
was gay, which he is?
(scoffing) Darien
helped you move in, man.
A four-story walk-up, and
he helped you move in.
Yeah.
And all that time
you're just sitting there
watching him bust
his ass to help you,
thinking, "Darien's gay."
I don't know.
I guess.
I didn't really think about it.
(scoffs)
Oh, man.
I've always had an
affinity for gays.
They have old souls,
you know, the gays?
I just seem to be attracted
to the gay old souls.
Hmm.
What?
He couldn't, like, carry
up the boxes himself?
He couldn't carry his own
weak, gay little weight?
Travis, I hardly think
strength is any indication
of whether someone's gay or not.
Well, apparently you think so.
What, am I gay?
Yes, Travis.
You're gay.
You know that's not true.
When we moved in here, who
brought up the box spring?
Oh, why does this always
come back to moving?
Who brought up the box spring?
[Travis] Are we all gay?
No, I'm not playing the game.
You roped me in.
I'm not playing the game.
Somebody put pineapple juice
in my pineapple juice.
W.C. Fields.
Hey, Miles.
How you doing?
Just trying to get this
karaoke machine working.
Yeah, but how are you?
Mmm, not bad.
Just trying to get this
karaoke machine working.
Been a while, huh?
Hey, our shirts are almost
the same color tonight.
- What?
- We look alike.
(clicking tongue)
Oh, the lizard, right?
Yeah.
Crazy night.
They got Kim Carnes.
I like the gays in Germany.
You know?
Where the coffee is.
Yes, they know how to be gay.
I might have been a little
premature in firing you.
And I just wanted you to know,
that if you ever wanted
your old job back,
that it was there
waiting for you.
Do you understand
what I am saying?
Sure, you're offering
me my old job back.
Right.
To tell you the truth, Fletch,
I'm really happy where I am now.
The record store and I
have been a good match.
I think I like being with
the music after it's done
rather than in those early,
sometimes boring stages.
Felix, my cat, you cool?
Hey, buddy.
I'm having a great time.
Thanks so much for the invites.
You've got some
great, great friends.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh,
anyone tell you about Darien?
What, is he all right?
Yeah, yeah, he's all right.
Oh.
Thank god.
(electricity crackling)
Oh!
Oh!
It's just, um, Darien, um-
- [Miles] Yo!
Darien's found
out that he's gay.
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
[Miles] I'm okay!
I'm all right.
Oh, I always knew
Darien was gay.
I celebrate his courage to
let his choice be known.
You thought Darien was gay?
Oh, yeah.
Okay, man.
This is a really
special night for you.
Yeah.
It's too bad the catatonic
stole your thunder.
- Okay.
- The suicide positions.
Right, right.
Sandy likes the side.
Hello, Philip.
Hi.
You're looking well.
Lost some weight in the face.
Hi, Frank.
Hello.
I meant to tell you
I very much like your lipstick.
It's very red.
It reminds me of blood.
Hey, Philip.
Why don't you get
us two more drinks?
I'm, I'm not done with mine.
You go on ahead.
You, you want another
drink, you go on.
I'll, I'll wait.
Are you gonna
take your coat off?
I don't know.
- Are you warm?
- I'm fine.
- Why?
- I'm sorta hot.
Take your coat off.
Are you taking yours off?
Not now, no.
(drill whirring)
[Fletcher] Oh, Travis.
Fletcher, let's hope
tonight's not a retcher.
- Hope not.
- Yeah, right.
(drill whirring)
What are you doing, Travis?
[Travis] Oh!
A ball, the ball.
I'm rigging the ball.
For new year's.
Yeah.
I didn't get a
tree this year, so,
just a menorah.
I get the ball and the
ball will fall at midnight.
Uh-oh.
Better hurry.
You got two hours.
Yeah, I know, but I haven't
really tested this thing out.
There's, uh, some mechanics,
electricity involved.
- You want some help?
- Yeah, Fletch.
What don't you grab
that bucket of washers
and haul up the extension cord?
Oh, no, not me.
But I could go in and
ask somebody for you.
Oh, uh, no.
Let the crowds have their fun.
New Year's is a time of mystery.
I'll take care of business.
(drill whirring)
Frankie and Johnny
were sweethearts
Oh, lordy, how they did love
Swore to be true
to each other
Just as true as
the stars above
He was her man
He wouldn't do her wrong
Frankie went down
to the corner
Just for a bucket of beer
Just said, hey,
Mr. Bartender
Has my lovely
Johnny been here
He's my man
You know that guy?
Yeah.
He's my date, Miles.
I was your date once.
Frankie looked
over the transom
You done yet?
Getting there.
Want to get us
two more drinks?
Why do I have to do it?
No reason.
Making love to Nellie Bly
He's my man
Philip, call Darien over.
I don't have anything to
say to Darien right now.
Just call his name.
Why do you want Darien?
- To see if he has a pen.
- I got a pen, you want a pen?
Just call him over here.
I'll give you a pen
if you need a pen.
Catch his eye
and wave him over.
I...
Gonna get another drink?
But he was doin' her wrong
Was there a reason you
were gonna give Felix a pen?
What?
What, you got a pen that
squirts ink or something?
What are you talking about?
Like I was gonna
bring you over there,
you were gonna give him a pen,
and he was gonna spray it
all over me or something.
And he was doing me wrong
Here you go.
Thanks, buddy.
Sure.
This story has no moral
This story has no end
Oh.
Before I forget,
would you send this to Joaquin?
Just some money I had laying
around collecting interest.
My god!
Car accident I had as a child.
Felix.
Oh, I regret it's not more.
$12,40?
Felix, I cannot accept this.
Please, I'd see
it as an insult.
We're told not to spoil them.
It's potentially damaging to
change their lives so suddenly,
so extravagantly.
$12,000 would make him royalty.
Little king Joaquin.
And-
- [All] 10, nine,
eight, seven, six,
five, four,
three, two,
One!
Happy new year!
(party blowers whistling)
Whoa.
(party blowers whistling)
Happy new year.
Happy new year.
Happy new year.
Happy.
[Man] Happy new year.
(noisemakers blowing)
If you're wondering
What I did before
And if you're wondering
Yeah, I'm back
Three, two, one-
- It's over now.
Since I've been gone
Guess it doesn't matter.
Didn't feel a thing.
It's funny, I never thought
of myself as handsome.
Oh!
No, it's true.
I'm thinking I shouldn't
have let that Sandy go.
She's a very attractive,
intelligent woman.
(sighs)
I know.
I need you
Thanks, buddy.
Thanks a lot, buddy.
I appreciate it.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you.
All right.
Travis, honey, you
missed the countdown.
[Travis] Hey, baby.
I thought you said
that we were gonna
spend this New Year's
with all of our friends.
Look, Diane,
it's not New Year's
until I say it's
New Year's, okay?
All right, Travis.
Then you tell me
when it's New Year's.
(body thudding)
I'm a little ticklish.
No.
No, don't.
Oh, I'm making a speech.
Everybody listen up.
Shh!
(noisemaker blowing)
Shh!
Well, I just want to say how
happy Busby and I are to,
oh, my god.
Did I just say Busby?
- Yeah.
- I'm a little bit drunk.
Um, I just wanted to say
how happy Travis and I
and all of us are to be spending
New Year's with all of you,
our closest and our
best, best friends.
And, um, we love you.
We love you guys so much,
so let's promise to
have an even better.
New Year's this New Year's, huh?
(noisemaker blows)
Cheers!
- We love you!
- All right,
who wants to sing?
I'm gonna sing.
[Diane] Happy New Year!
[Darien] Happy New Year.
Come on.
Somebody.
One of you.
[Felix] If you wouldn't mind?
[Diane] No, not at all.
(clearing throat)
"Beautiful Dreamer"
by Stephen Foster.
(upbeat music)
Beautiful dreamer
Wake unto me
Starlight
And dewdrops
Are waiting for thee
Sounds of the rude world
(clears throat)
Heard in the day
(clears throat)
Lulled by the moonlight
Have all passed away
Beautiful dreamer
Queen of my song
Beautiful dreamer
Awake unto me
Me
Thank you.
(Travis groaning)
(ball shattering)
(all chattering in distance)
Cheers to you.
My husband, everyone!
(all cheering)
(noisemakers blowing)
Everybody Felix
It's Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
He's old in the best way
Everybody Felix
We're smilin' on this day
Everybody Felix
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
It's Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
He's smiling on this day
Everybody Felix
He's old in the best way
Everybody Felix
Because it's
Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Because it's
Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
It's Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
He's old in the best way
Everybody Felix
He's smilin' on this day
Everybody Felix
Because it's
Felix's birthday
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix
Everybody Felix