Hit List (2011) Movie Script

1
Help!
To understand how I
found myself in the trunk
of this car, you have
to back to my childhood.
That's pretty Michael.
It is a butterfly.
Very nice.
Isn't that beautiful Hilary.
It's a pine tree.
Lovely.
That's... interesting, Charlotte.
It's a pride of lions ripping the
intestines out of a wildebeest.
From an early age I
had issues with hostility.
Charlotte, what do you see?
A bald eagle shot in
the head with an arrow.
Okay.
What do you see now?
A condemned killer in an electric chair.
Charlotte, clearly we have
some things to work on.
Okay, tell me about the dream.
I'm swimming with a family of pythons.
Except each one of them is speaking Latin.
And they keep trying to
tell me that they wanna...
The river that we are swimming
on is covered with these...
these jelly donuts. But... But I can't
understand them
because I don't speak Latin.
So I'm thinking, he's
going to love this jelly donut.
I reach out, I open his mouth,
I shove it down his throat...
And... He swallows it, and he dies!
And then, I wake up.
You're making this shit up.
My therapist suggested
that I keep a journal.
But, my lack of writing ability
didn't make it too productive.
I love the smell of napalm in the morning!
The baked beans are
five for two ninety nine!
The creamed corn is
six for three ninety nine!
And the broccoli is
three for one ninety nine!
But only until Wednesday!
Dust every can thoroughly.
And make sure that all of the
labels are clean and visible..
Wait!, uh... How much is
the creamed corn again?
Oh swell, another brain surgeon.
Just read... the price-chart, Dolly!
Yes, Mister Button.
And if you're the one who's been
stealing the cinnamon coffee cake...
I'll sling your boney ass!
Yes... Mister Button.
That's when it hit me!
The true purpose for my journal.
"People... I wish... were dead"
Number one:
Mister... Button!
It really did help with my hostility.
So, that was sex?
Shut up! I'm watching
"The Real World of Duluth."
Number two:
Scott...
How do you spell your last name?
I said, shut up!
In college I met my first love: Chad.
What's your name, sweet ass?
Charlotte.
- I'm good.
- I'm good.
You're okay?
-I'm great, yeah.
Initially, the attraction
was purely physical.
Yeah!
Open the jam.
Honey, did you finish Philosophy essay?
Oh yeah.
What about my Econ take home?
Right here.
Nice! Well then I'm done.
Sweet. Thanks for doing that.
You are welcome.
-Love you.
Love you too.
After college we moved in together.
Honey, I needed a place
to hang my jersey, so...
I took down the portrait of your
family. You don't mind, do you?
No honey, that's fine.
Chad pursued his dream
of becoming an actor.
Pyramix Spray, it soothes
that burning sting of jock itch.
Great. Now say it like your
balls are dipped in sulfuric acid.
And I supported him.
Damn it!
Son of a bitch!
Global Talent Agency, Mr. Welle's office
Damn it, Charlene!
This latte is completely foam! please hold.
Uh... It's Charlotte Mister Weller.
Now, am I on heroin, or
did I not specifically ask
you to significantly
reduce the amount of foam.
Yes, Mister Weller.
How can I be expected
to operate effectively
when I'm surrounded by incompetence?
Hello...
Hello?
Number... three.
Did you pay the rent today, honey?
Yes, honey.
Did you buy me some of that
raspberry pineapple sherbet?
Honey?
Yes, honey.
Well, can I have some please?...Honey.
Yes, honey.
Thank you.
What?
Here you go. -Thanks baby. Love ya.
Love you too.
These chicks are crazy.
Until Chad got his big break
So, how'd it go?
So... I got it!
Oh my God!
Can you believe it?
Right?
Doctor Blade Shamrock
He was Doctor Blade Shamrock
on "The Beautiful and the Vain".
Mrs. Pontingfrench?
Yes.
I'm afraid your son has
Hyper Tyfectimone syndrome.
It's a rare neurological virus that
causes the patient's gender to change
Well, what can I do?
Well, I could consider
buying him a new wardrobe.
I'm truly sorry.
Hang in there.
Ha? What'd you think?
Honey, I'm so proud of you.
Oh, thanks babe.
Love you.
Love you too.
Oh, that is good.
I think I'll have another
for the good doctor.
Oh yeah.
Soon followed the axe
Charlotte...
When two trees are growing side by side.
Often times their roots will,
you know... strangle each other.
And in order to save those trees...
sometimes park rangers
will up root them and
move them to separate parts of the forest.
Now, I think...
that you and I could use
some time to grow our roots.
In separate parts of the forest.
Number four...
You know what I'm saying?
Here you go!
Ohh...
Enjoy your meal!
Can't stop us from having
a nice dinner, though.
Hang on Charlotte
And here comes Chad Peterson.
Up this year for his first
daytime soap nomination...
as Blade Shamrock on
"The Young and the Vain."
Accompanying Chad is his live in girlfriend
the ravishing super model; Vasheka.
Vasheka?
That's not a name it's an STD.
Rumor has it they're talking marriage.
Mrs. Sheehan!
Would you please shut
that little hair ball up?
Before I put it through my blender
and use it as chum for attracting sharks!
Oh my Lord!
Don't worry Froot Loops
Don't let the angry, lonely, angry lady,
whose hot boyfriend just dumped her...
because he was so far out of
her league, scare you, sweetheart!
Hah.
Ew.. ahh!
Ah..
What'cha got here?
"Casablanca"...
"Love Story", "When Harry met Sally"
If your life were a film, would it
be titled, "Romantic Witness"?
Just give me the DVD's... Wick.
Hmmm...
What?...wow!
What?
I think you qualify for
our frequent flier program.
Seventy five rentals in one week.
And you get to own your own franchise!...ha
Naw.
Enjoy.
Do you smell poop?
I smell poopy.
In other news there was a six point
five earthquake centered
today in Hollywood.
And now, on to the weather.
Well, hidy-ho and a hello
out there in toyland, folks.
Our wild, wacky, one day forecast calls
for out Southern California weather...
to drop a whopping
two degrees, from eighty
four to eighty two.
Brrr... Back to you, toots.
It's Carlee.
He is such a cheese ball... Right?
When it's right, you just know it.
Thanks to ConnectYouAndMe.com, we know it.
Forever.
Forever.
Huh.
Do you remember my friend
Karen Anderson's daughter, Angie?
Huh... Yes?
She just had her... third child!
And she is two years younger than you.
Umm... Must you catalog
your friend's children's fetuses?
I'm just staring down the gun barrel
of a grandchild-less old age.
I'm dating! Back off.
Really?
Um-hmm.
Online.
-what?
Are you in the market for some
guy who looks like Danny Devito...
who lives in his car
and eats human flesh?
Way to keep an open mind, mom.
Honey, do you have mace?
-No.
Pepper spray?
-No.
Wha... A Taser Gun?
-Mother!
My first Internet date...
wasn't all I'd hoped for.
Oh I need it! there you go.
Oh!, Mom, loves sushi.
No, I don't.
She talks about it all the time.
They can make the ultimate compact
car, but they can't cook their fish.
She's always trying to eat healthy.
Riddled with parasites.
She's never really one to turn
down something new, you know.
I keep looking for a hook.
She's my mom.
That's right dear.
Thank you. You know I still feel
so gosh darn lucky, you know...
'Cause she's my best friend and...
Oh!, last week we went camping
And she had the time of her life.
Lost a pint of blood to
mosquitoes and fell off a cliff.
How many guys do you know
who can go camping with their mom?
Not many.
Came within inches of being a paraplegic.
I would have to say that hanging out
with my mom is my favorite thing to do.
Totally!
We just love each other's
company. You know?
The rash on my thigh is incurable.
The second date was
an equal disappointment.
Yeee-Haw!
Whoo!
That is right, baby!, Whoo!
How you like Billy Jean?
Who?
My truck.
I named her Billy Jean.
Ah...
Very big, I suppose for this
road, which is... very small!
Oh, Billy Jean can handle any road.
She is strong, yet sleek,
Powerful, yet sensitive.
Oh... watch this!
Whoo-Haah!
Whoo!!
Yeah!
Do you have any Dramamine?
No, why?
I was just about to retire from
Internet dating when Lyle showed up.
Charlotte?
Yes?
I'm Lyle Wilkes.
Yeah?
Not possible.
Pardon me?
This is a hidden camera show, right?
I mean, after I look all happy
to meet you and you leave...
So the real Lyle Wilkes
can show up and he's
my fat, drooling junior
high wood shop teacher.
No hidden camera.
No wood shop.
Charlotte Murphy.
Nice to meet you.
Likewise. May I sit?
Please.
So what do you do, Charlotte?
Umm, I'm an assistant to a talent agent.
How about you?
Independent contractor.
Oh.
Your table's ready.
I don't want to eat here.
What?
Let's go someplace else.
But, you made the reservation.
Suddenly I have a better idea.
Ummm...
Do you eat human flesh?
Only when I drink Tequila.
Come on.
We'll be going elsewhere.
Did you know that, ah.. tacos... were
originally invented for horse meat?
No, oddly enough I did not know that.
In the eighteen hundreds, the Mexican army
used to eat horse meat with every meal.
So I guess after a
while it got a little boring,
so they invented the
taco, to jazz things up.
If they were eating their horses,
what would the ride into battle?
Why do you think they lost Texas?
Do you like the Huggable Beaver?
Is that a sex question?
The cartoon: Bilgy, "The Huggable Beaver."
Oh my God!
I love Bilgy!
I thought I was the only
person over ten who did.
I did it.
What?
I met my primary life goal.
I found a beautiful woman who loves
the Huggable Beaver as much as I do.
I don't know about
the beautiful part, but...
I am undoubtedly all
about the Huggable Beaver.
- Wow, that came out wrong!
- That came out perfect.
Back to the grind.
That month, we saw each
other almost every day.
We went to foreign films.
So, what did the duck mean?
I have no idea.
Hey, what about that naked
old guy on the trapeze?
What was that all about?
That one got by me too.
We went to coffee houses.
It's all the seer seeing,
but a dream, but a dream.
It's good.
Mmm... Mine too.
This place is great.
Isn't it?
This place sucks.
-Completely!
What is this? This is coffee my
parents had this every morning.
Goat cheese and caffeine what a combo!
Let's go grab a beer.
I heard that!
And we went hiking!
Beautiful day.
-Oh! -What?
This bush!...it made a rattling sound.
Yeah, you are right. You probably
don't wanna get near that bush, alright?
Let's go over here. You're fine
It's not gonna get you as long
you don't jump on it. Let's go.
We meshed.
Don't worry Fruit Loops...
they are going to Hell on a jet rocket.
Ooh... these kids!
Wow!
I think I'm going to faint.
It's a good thing you're lying down.
So, ahh, what's that motion thing
you were doing with your hips?
Maori Indian mating ritual.
Oh.
I saw it on National Geographic.
I love National Geographic.
I'm a lifetime subscriber.
Lucky for me.
Hey.
-Yeah?
I got you something.
Oh, my God.
Our pal, Bilgy.
What...
but... It's not my birthday!
I know, but I just saw it,
and it made me think of you.
Oh, my God!
But...
But.. I didn't... get you anything.
So, get me something later.
Thank you!
I love it!
I love it, thank you!
-You're welcome.
So... I'm glad to see
you're not a meatloaf.
Actually, I met someone
who's... pretty okay.
Really?
Uh-hmm
Does he live in his car?
Mom... noo!
Does he look like Danny Devito?
Ahh... not in the least!
Oh...
So... When do your father
and I get to meet him?
Ah... When monkeys colonize Mars.
Okay.
I'm just gonna go to work, okay?
I'll be back tonight.
I'll miss you.
Hey there.
You gonna answer that?
Wilkes Contracting.
Hi, it's me.
Hey, it's good to hear your voice.
What are you doing?
Ahh!
Going on the tread mill.
Oh.
Is this a bad time?
Not at all!
Who ever is paying you! I'll double it!!
What was that?
Just the TV.
So... I was thinking about you.
So I thought I'd give you a call.
Oh, I'm glad you did.
Really?
Absolutely.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Why wouldn't I?
I don't know, I thought
I might be bugging you.
Weller's coming!
Umm... I have to put you on hold.
Okay!
Hey, are you still there?
Yeah! I'm still here.
Wow, you're really getting a workout, huh?
Augh!
Nothing as important as cardio!
Augh!
You really keep that TV loud.
Oh shit, I gotta go!
Ahh hmm.
Are you sure?
Ah yeah, I'll see you later tonight, okay?
Augh!
Ahh!
Aahh!!
Augh!
Ahh! Charlotte?
Yeah?
I love you.
Huh?
I love you too.
Aahhh!
I gotta go!...Bye.
Wilkes Contracting.
It's me again. Are you busy?
No, I'm not at all. I
just got off the treadmill.
So... when you said love,
did you mean "love," "love"?
Or just love?
I'm not sure I understand the question.
What I mean is, when
you said, "I love you."
Did you say it because was like a
great way to end a phone conversation?
Or because you really,
genuinely, for sure, love me?
What are you waiting for?
- Well, why did you say it?
- Hey! I asked you first.
Charleen!!?
Well, uh... I said it because
I genuinely love you.
And I want to spend my
foreseeable future with you.
Get your ass over here! Or you'll
be slinging on whores dot com.
Gotta go!...Bye.
Hello? Charlotte?
Come on, lover boy!
Hello?
You don't have the guts!!
Right away!
Wilkes contracting.
Am I bugging you yet?
Hey, I was hoping you would call back.
Ahh, Sorry it took me so long.
My boss is...
my boss.
You're not busy, are you?
No, I'm just tying up some loose ends.
Listen, I'm sorry I left you hanging.
It's just... I guess I got a little
scared when you said all those things.
That's understandable.
It's just a little soon for me.
Maybe I'm rushing things a little bit.
No!...I'm not saying I
didn't like what you said...
I did, and I'm not saying I
don't, maybe, feel the same way.
Look, I don't want you to feel
obligated to say anything back to me.
I just don't want you to
interpret it as a lack of interest.
Or a lack of necessarily feelings, in any
way... I don't want
you to think that at all!
Augh!
I gotta go. Bye.
Who said I didn't have the guts.
So...
So?
Not happening, Dude!
What?
I am not bringing Lyle
over the house for dinner.
No way! no how!
Come on now. He is
going to meet us eventually.
I mean, especially if you
are getting serious about him.
I told him I'm an orphan.
Alright. Okay, now... what can I
do to make it worth your while?
Vote Democrat in every
election for the rest of your life...
Donate two percent of your net
worth to Green Peace... and, uhh...
pay my cell phone bill
for the next five years!
What? That is a monstrous asking price!!
Always negotiate from
a position of strength.
Done!
How's the roast chicken, Lyle?
Excellent, Mister Murphy!
Umm..would you like
some more potatoes, Lyle?
Yes, please.
You know, there's no butter in them...
Everybody thinks my potatoes are loaded
with butter, But they're not! No, no, no!
I'm sure Lyle doesn't need to know
your secrets for roasting potatoes, mom.
And what are you scared of?
Yet another boyfriend dumps you
because your mother doesn't use butter.
Okay, enough!
I'm sorry.
Lyle, Charlotte tells me that you
are... an independent contractor.
That's right.
Well, good work.
I think last summer you had a
job with a construction crew...
Travis. He quit after two days.
Because there were
callouses on his fingers.
You can't be Kurt Cobain with callouses!
Who the fuck is Kurt Cobain?
He's dead.
He's dead!?
What good are you when you're dead?
Now he lives in my basement.
I'm just following my dreams, pops!
Don't call me, "Pops".
How many times have I
asked you now to do that?
And the next time you do that,
I'm going to kick your scrawny ass...
right outside.
Touchy! Travis...
Don't!
Don't.
Pops. Oh, Travis!
Umm... Ah... More... more potatoes, Lyle?
Yes, please.
Yes, it's hard to believe
there's no butter in these, isn't it?
You should sell the recipe to a restaurant.
Oh!...no...
I saw Chad on TV, Charlotte.
Shut up, Travis.
Not a bad actor, really.
Shut up, Travis!!
You two please, just take it easy, okay?
Dad!
I understand.
Acid reflux.
Would you like some
more roasted chicken, Lyle?
Absolutely.
Spuds, Sis?
Didn't I tell you that online
dating was a great idea?
Actually, you said I'll most
likely wind up with a cannibal.
Lyle is the complete package.
Pretty much.
You should have dated online years ago!
You're so right.
And he seems so... serious about his work.
Yeah... He doesn't talk about it
much, but I know he works really hard.
Well, don't pry! Men do
not like it when women pry.
Good tip, Laura Bush.
How is he in bed?
Uhh... That question, coming from you...
is utterly horrifying on more
levels than I can begin to count.
A pal for Bilgy!
Oh my God...
Oh my God!
You're unbelievable.
You're unbelievable!
God!
You're not going to work today, Lyle?
I'm taking the morning off.
It's the benefits of self employment.
Okay.
Make sure you lock both
locks when you leave, okay?
Got it.
Bye.
See you tonight.
Bye.
Charlotte!
Come on Fruit Loops, let's
go for our morning poo-poo.
Charlotte!
-Ohh! Good God!
I'm sorry.
Don't worry baby! It is just the angry
lady's anonymous,
disease ridden sex partner.
Charlotte!
You forgot your purse.
Mister Philips!
Mister Button.
Mister Gutherie, your
three o'clock is there.
Hi!
Mister Borders?
Mister Gutherie.
-Please, call me Scott.
Scott. -So, looking to buy a house today?
Oh, Mister Weller?
I didn't have anything in
your book for lunch today.
Yeah, that's right.
I don't care if I'm your step brother!
I love you like no man could
ever love a non-blood relative.
I understand you can cut
my produce prices in half.
I guarantee it.
Guarantee, huh?
Hey!
Get back to the cabbage,
you half brained dimwit!
I'll sling your boney ass!
Besieged by incompetence.
I know what you mean.
So, getting back to my produce crisis.
I think you could come down to my
facility and check it out for yourself.
Great.
-All right.
Yes sir.
Well, you came to the right place.
After you.
No, no, no! After you.
Thank you.
So? -So, did you want
me to put something?
Charleen, Charleen, Charleen!
My meetings are too important to
be constantly checking in with you
like some dim-witted den mother.
It's Charlotte, Mister Weller.
I don't care!
I happen to have a very
important lunch meeting...
and I chose not to tell you.
Park it where I can see it, Jose.
The name's Jimmy, pendejo!
Mister Harris.
Mister Weller.
I can't tell you how excited I am...
to have someone of your
reputation interested in this project.
I think it could be big.
Very nice tie.
And I will be the father to your child
despite his massive deformities.
I want to be with you...
in all four seasons.
Sorry, it's from my soap.
It's all I really had time to prepare.
No, no... It was..great.
Oh, well thank you.
You know, I really
haven't done much theater.
You know in fact, I
haven't done any theater.
But I know it could help my career.
I just wanna be taken
seriously as an actor.
I'm ready to give you the part.
Re.. Really?
Oh my God!
Ah...
thank you.
You won't regret it!
I'm sure you're right!
Lyle was spending a lot of time at work
and I was about to comfront him about it..
When he came home with tickets to Cabo.
How's your Spanish?
Earlier today, super model
Vasheka gave this heartbreaking interview.
Chad, if you can her me
I'm sorry that I called you
a no talent, pretty boy trained
chimp, who sounds like chipmunk.
You're the only one for me.
Please come back.
Charlotte?
Yes, Mister Ward?
I want to start off by
saying how happy I am
to be replacing Mister Weller,
and to have you as my assistant.
Thank you Mister Ward.
Call me Josh.
I was going to get myself a
mineral water. Would you like one?
Oh, yes please, Mister Ward.
Josh.
Right, Josh.
Chad was reportedly doing
Dinner Theater in Saint Petersburg
Thank you doctor-The
good doctor will be right with you.
Okay.
The new guy playing Doctor Blade Shamrock
was a shoe in for this
year's daytime award.
Monica, I'm afraid you are
never going to walk again.
But Doctor Shamrock, you
said it was just a head cold.
Sadly no.
You have Kiwi disease.
It's a rare neurological
virus that tricks you
brain into thinking that
your legs are useless.
And that you're from New Zealand.
Ohh..I'll have to abandon my dream
of dancing for the Bolshoi Ballet.
And I'll adopt a really annoying accent.
The Dingo ate me baby!
Come on Fruit Loops...
Come on little boy.
How was work today?
I made a killing.
Hidy ho, and a hello
out there in toyland, folks.
An actual rain drop was
felt today in Van Nuys.
Better call out the National Guard.
What a cheese ball.
Come on, sweetheart.
Aaah!
Mrs. Sheehan.
Consider this your last warning.
If you don't properly train that little
menace to shut its fur ball ass up.
I will feel completely justified in
feeding it to my cousin's boa constrictor!
My God! ohh... Don't worry Fruit Loops...
The unstable prostitute will
never feed you to a boa constrictor.
My little baby.
You what?
Aah!
Aah!!
Get lost.
Number... five.
Fruit Loops!
Rat, weasel, greasy ball of shit!
Ha ha ha! How do you like me now bitch?
Is everything alright?
Umm-hm.
Hidy ho, diddly
do, it is rain, rain, rain.
Better keep those Bar-B-Q's
inside, ladies and germs...
Because as my mama used to say...
"You can't go out in the
rain with out getting wet."
What the hell...?
Number Six!
What's that guy's name again?
Umm.. Billy Joe... something.
Hey pooch
Want a biscuit?
Two points.
I'm like talking Ferrari.
Excuse me, but umm...
didn't I see you two in the Hawaiian
Tropic bikini contest?..in Maui?
I'm Billy Joe Philbin.
I do the weather on channel
eight. You've seen me.
Can you believe this guy?
Are you and I going to
sleep with him, or just bolt?
Let's get out of here.
What a cheese ball!
Fat old cheese ball.
- Dykes!
- Hi, a Harvey on the rocks please. Thanks.
Hi there.
Hello.
Did you ever dated a weather man?
Say... didn't I see you in the Hawaiian
Tropic Bikini Competition in Maui?
Excuse me little lady... But ah...
didn't I see you in the Hawaiian
Tropic Bikini Competition in Maui?
Aren't you Billy Joe Philbin?
That's right.
My wife and I watch you every night.
Oh! thanks. Thanks a lot.
Have you ever acted in movies?
No, but..uh, I've been asked.
I run a small production company
and we have a role coming up...
that I think would be perfect for you!
Really?
Look, if you're
interested... give me a call.
Alright, ah..thanks! Thanks a lot!
Hopefully I'll see you soon.
-Yeah.
You said sixty percent chance of rain...
Clear as a bell.
Lyle and I decided it
was time to cohabitate.
Can I be part of the family?
Oh my God.
Oh my God!
Thank you.
Lyle, dinner's ready!
I'll be right there!
So, when am I going to be able
to see your brother's band play?
Ha ha ha!
Yeah, right.
Do these potatoes have any butter
in them? Because they are good.
Hey! They are good.
Hey! They are good.
It's a family recipe here.
Have you ever wondered
what the world would be like...
if all the meat eating
animals ate vegetables
and all the vegetable-eating
animals ate meat?
No, I've never wondered that.
Well, think about it.
Everybody would be running
from wild blood thirsty cows.
And from savage saber tooth horses.
You couldn't walk out
of the front door because
of all the carnivorous
chipmunks and squirrels.
It would be complete bedlam.
I tend to worry about really weird things.
Like, getting hit by a bus.
Or getting caught on the freeway
in a nine point 0 earthquake.
That'll never happen.
You know that inversion layer
we were talking about the other day
is actually going to pass over us...
but that's still going to mean
that we are going to have...
very calmed subtle temperatures...
This new guy is so much better.
I miss the old one.
It's quieter since that
canine rat ran away.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Our lives became fairly pedestrian:
During the day I would go to my job...
and Lyle would go to his.
The nights, we spent together.
Hey, Lyle?
-Yeah.
What's that?
-What's what?
It looks like blood.
Where?
Yeah, right there, behind your ear.
Huh.
Did you cut yourself?
I don't think so...
You know what? It is probably
from that mosquito that I swatted.
I'll go wash it off.
Hey...
-Yeah?
Not now.
-Not now?
Okay, here we are.
Hey, Lyle?
Yeah?
Who is that?
Oh, that's a guy I work with.
He's trying to be an actor.
Really? Does he think you can help him?
No, no... he was just giving
us all a copy of his head shot.
It was actually kind of a joke.
Come on, let's eat.
You're gonna love this place.
Oh, Godfather Three.
Is that the one where the dumb
son gets drowned in the lake?
That's number two.
Oh, is that the one where the fat
guy gets a knife through his hand?
One.
I don't remember three.
They pulled me back in!
Oh yeah!
No.
-No? -hu-humm
Okay.
Alien three.
There's too many bald people in that.
Thelma and Louise.
Umm.. too chick.
Too...? okay!
Terminator!
Perfect!...Come on.
Thanks a lot. Have them back Wednesday.
Oh, thank God.
We can stay in business.
Hi ya, Wick.
I see somebody discovered
stud service dot com.
Chop chop, dick.
I mean, Wick.
Oh...
I am so sorry.
I am squandering your valuable
time, eye locked to the idiot tube.
How can I atone? How?
Terminator.
Someone's got a well
of unused testosterone.
Just give us the DVD, friend.
Friend?
You know, I love the smell of
re-channeled homosexuality.
Are you picturing me in a
mini skirt? You are aren't you.
Huh? Did I shave? You
want to know, don't you?
That's it! I was nice before, but no more.
You've made the grade now, buddy.
Number seven.
Oh, I'm number one.
Wick.
Smart ass...
little
video
store
pissant
You got fangs.
That ought to do it.
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
I'll see you soon.
Next!
You love popcorn and stuff?
I love pop corn!
I do too!
Jesus! that douche!
He always takes my space!
That's my space!
Number eight...
the owner..
Of this piece... of shit... car.
Hah!
Why don't you just park out front?
Fine.
Whoa! What the hell?! Hey ass wipe!
Move it!
Me?
Sorry.
One word: deodorant...
Ahh!
Uhh, Jeez!
And stay tuned for eye
witness news at 6PM tonight
when we have an exclusive interview with
the first man to eve give birth to twins.
And now onto the weather with Craig.
Craig?
Thank you, Carlee.
Carlee, you know that low pressure system
we were talking about
earlier today is actually
going to be out by the end of the morning.
A hundred percent better.
Which is going to give
us a beautiful afternoon.
And all know, a beautiful
afternoon means you have
to do something challenging,
something rewarding.
So how about if you and I go sky diving?
Well, that would be wonderful,
Craig. I am off at noon, so...
How about if we bungee jump out
of the plane while we're sky diving?
It could have been yours, Chad.
And you know what, I did some research
and your name, Carlee in English means
Petite and womanly...
But in my culture, in my culture
your name actually stands for
the cherry blossoms are blooming.
Oh wow. Thanks, Craig.
Ties to organized crime?
Presumed dead.
Lyle, who's that?
Oh, that's a guy I work with.
He's trying to be an actor.
Fruit Loops!?
Where's my little poo-poo?
Come here boy!
Fruit Loops, where are you?!
Oh, God...
last night he was on my death list.
This morning... he is dead.
Only once in my life had I
received this kind of a shock...
What do you think about Kenny Wales?
Charlotte...
Yeah?
Would you kiss me... with tongue?
Charlotte?
So, I don't understand.
He worked here for like..sixteen years.
Where is he?
- I... I don't know.
- So you don't talk to him?
No... No one has seen
or heard a thing from him.
Really?
-Yeah!
His wife... said he had gambling debts.
To tell you the truth, it's been a lot
calmer around here since he's left.
Thank you.
He completely disappeared!
He didn't say anything to anybody
Management found out he
was stealing the office supplies.
Oh sweety, you are better off without him.
You know what makes me
feel better when I'm upset?
A new house.
This one just opened on the market.
Do you want to call me?
Never talked about his work.
He never invited me to his office.
I bought him stuffed animals,
and he made my journal come true.
So your boyfriend killed
all of these people...
After you said you wanted to kill them.
No! I didn't want to kill them.
Look, I was angry and I
have issues with hostility.
So my psychologist
suggested that I write a journal.
And then all these things started...
Did you tell your boyfriend
that you wanted to kill them?
No!! I didn't wanna kill them!
Look!
I think he is a hit man.
And he thought he was doing
me some sort of favor. Ohh...
A hit man?
I'm pretty sure killed that
volleyball promoter guy.
And why would you think that?
Because he had a picture of him in his car.
And!
He never talks about his work.
And I've never been to his office.
And he's even got
Wick's body in his trunk!!
Wick? Wick?
Uh!...Number seven!
Let's go!!
If we don't go we'll never get rid of her.
We're here.
Alright, show us.
You'll see.
Ha!
Uhh!...He's gone!
Wick... Wick's gone!
I'm guessing you're a fan
of hallucinogenic drugs.
There was a dead video
store employee in that trunk!!
If you say so, sweetheart.
It was on twitter.
Let's get out of here!
So we're thinking of having a 4th of
July picnic and you should bring Lyle.
Mom...
When is Lyle's birthday? 'Cause your
father and I wanna get him something
Mom!
Like a leather jacket, hiking
boots, nothing too over...
Lyle... is a killer.
Ha ha!, Like a lady killer?
No, like a...
killer, killer!
Honey, I'm not following.
He... murders people!
Professionally.
Still lost here.
My boyfriend is a hit man!!
Oh my God!
Umm... She's joking. Umm.. Really.
You're so funny!
Wh... What? A hit man!!?
Independent Contractor?
It's a code! he's... Jason Bourne!
Oh!
Well!
Honey, you know sometimes you
have to take the good with the bad.
Excuse me?
When you father and I were first married.
He used to like to put a
cucumber in his underwear.
What?! -I know! I used to hate it, but...
you know, I loved him! So I got used to it.
Ok, umm... As frightening
as the visual of Dad
with a cucumber in his underwear is...
and I am certain I will never be
able to fully get that out of my head...
How is that in the least bit relevant
to the fact that the man I'm living with...
is a mass murderer!!!
Honey, because true
love requires sacrifice.
I've died and gone to Hell.
Oh, honey...
Oh! your hair looks nice today!
The only solution was to catch Lyle myself.
How was your day, Lyle?
Oh, not so special.
Poured a couple of foundation,
committed a couple of homicides.
Oh, and I closed a sale on that
twelve unit condominium complex.
Run that one by me again!...?
So how is your friend's acting going?
Huh?
Your friend, whose... head,
I mean head shot! I found
in the back of your car.
Oh, him! Dave.
Dave?
Yeah, Dave.
How's his acting?
He gave it up. He's now counseling
runaways teenagers in Myanmar.
Myanmar?
-Yeah!
Apparently the teenage runaway
problem there is quite rampant.
Huh!
So... I was thinking you might try
help Mrs. Sheehan find her dog.
That would be neighborly.
What do you think could
have happened to him?
Little critter like that, he could
crawled under the heater and suffocated.
So he's dead?
Could be living in a dumpster,
feeding on slow moving insects.
Hmm.. Ha, ha.
This is good, Honey. Very good.
Yummy.
Where are you going Lyle?
Is that where you get your guns?
Ah! Is that where you
find your next target?
What do you get in there?
Ice cream!?
Keep your pants on!
No! get out of the way!
Get, get, out of the way!
Shit!
Hey!
-Ahhhh!
Hi! Hi!
Ahh...
What are you doing here?
Uhh...
Picking up my bosses's cleaning.
He gets his dry cleaning
done all the way down here?
Oh yeah!...He loves this place!
Hmm... Haa..
What's with the video camera?
Ah, this?
Oh, he likes me to video tape...
the cleaners!
To make sure they don't
switch up his clothes!
He's really paranoid about it.
I guess so.
I hate this singer.
Really?
Well! not hate, hate...
It's not a personal thing.
It's just, I don't really
care for his music.
It's not like I would put him
in my journal, or anything!
Ah.. Okay.
Hey! This is a legal parking space.
Ahh... No, no. No. Yeah, I am
in the way. You're right, my bad!!
Did your boss get his cleaning?
What?
Your boss, did he get his cleaning?
Oh, yeah.
He did, thank you.
And the video?
Oh yeah, he got that too.
Over demanding bosses...
sometimes you just want to shoot
them in the head, and bury them in a ditch.
Your mother called.
Oh yeah?
-Yeah.
Said your brother was missing.
My brother?
Yeah. And then she called right back
and said he was just out with his band.
Ohh... Yeah, he's a, wild man.
Charlotte?
Yeah?
I think it's time I come clean.
About what?
Everything.
What is it, Lyle?
It's big.
You can tell me.
Will you marry me?
Will you be my wife?
Ahh...
I love you.
I know you love me.
Ahh...
Be my wife, Charlotte.
No.
No?
No.
No?
You're not going to kill me, are you?
It's an option.
We can't get married, Lyle.
We're totally different. You
kill people. I just hate them.
You're talking about my work.
Your work?
Yeah. You know...
My work.
I shot Kennedy. I confess!
You're a hit man, aren't you?
See now, I prefer mortality consultant.
Where did you put the bodies?
Normally that's very
privileged information.
But, seeing on how we're living together...
I'll show you.
Show me?
-Yeah, it'll be fun!
I would rather not.
-Oh, come on.
Actually, my mom called, we
are gonna go for coffee together.
- I am fairly positive, you may enjoy this.
- Nah.
Hello
Mmmm! mmm!
See now, this is going to help
you better empathize with the
individuals that we're gonna go see.
It's going to make the
experience that much richer.
Shhh.. This is tough stuff.
Struggling against duct tape...
only makes it tighter. Okay?
So you can do what you want, but
I wouldn't do that if I
were you, but it's your call.
I'm not sure you are going to enjoy
this experience like I thought you would.
Oh well, anyway, it will be fine.
What, have you been working out, girl?
And that's how I got myself
into the trunk of this car.
Help!
Ahhhh!
Ahhhh!!
No one can hear you.
Ahhhh!
Now you're just startling
the wild life, Charlotte.
Where are we?
Somewhere in the valley, I think.
The bodies, they're all here?
Affirmative.
Where?
Where?
You're standing on Mister Button.
Ahhh! Mister Button?
Yeah. That tiny spot right there
is that annoying little rat-dog
Fruit Loops?
I think so.
It is hard to keep that
little varmint straight.
The others, they are all here?
Yeah, your whole journal.
Cheesy weatherman is right there.
Over there is Wick.
There, is uh... Chad and Scott.
And right there is your old boss.
And then a few of my professional
clients are mixed in with them.
So, homicide is in fact your profession.
It's more of a calling, really.
How could you do that?
What... You mean did I go to school for it?
No. I mean, how can you make the
taking of human life your profession?
How does anyone chose a profession, really?
I mean, what makes a professional wrestler?
What makes a professional bird watcher?
What makes a professional vegetable taster?
Who knows how these
things sort themselves out?
Okay, bird watching isn't a profession.
Why not?
It's more of a hobby.
The Audubon Society is
professional bird watchers.
No, they're volunteers.
Get down on your knees.
Excuse me?
My instructions were not ambiguous.
Why do you want me to get down on my knees?
No.
I'm a Buddhist.
You're going to kill me.
Yep.
But I thought you loved me.
Hey, I do love you.
But I'm not going to go to prison for you.
- My love has boundaries.
- But I'm not going to send you to prison.
Oh, so those cops you
were talking to, they're
helping you with the
neighborhood watch program?
You know about them?
Yeah.
Well, I got scared.
What do you want, when you find
out your boyfriend is a serial killer?
Maybe a little bit of gratitude.
You know maybe... "Thank you, Lyle."
Thank you for making
all my dreams come true.
Thank you for wasting all those horrible,
evil people who ever did me wrong.
Well, when you put it that way...
No!
-Down -Please!
Any final words?
My mind's a blank.
You could say, uh...
"Please forgive me God for all my sins."
but I'm not Catholic.
I'm not going to tell anybody.
Okay, okay!
God...
You know, I tried to be a good person.
But, ah...
If I'm being totally honest, which...
I'm pretty sure is a large
component of praying, then ahh...
I'm kind of glad the
cheesy weatherman is dead.
And, since you're God, all
powerful and all that, then
lying to you is pretty much fruitless.
So I must admit...
that I'm happy about the prick,
who took my virginity being dead too!
And let's face it...
That asshole, Mister
Button... did not deserve to live.
I mean, come on! Mister
Mister Weller, good riddance.
Fruit Loops, bark in the afterlife!
Ruff! Ruff!
Wick! See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
And that prick who always
took my parking space?
Happy trails!
My wish list wasn't hypothetical.
I genuinely wanted all of them croaked.
Every single one.
Which could only mean that...
Babe, will you get the phone?
Yeah.
Wilkes Contracting.
Oh hi, Mom!
Well umm...
If it's a girl we're thinking, "Phoebe".
If it's a boy, we like "Shane".
Lyle Junior.
Oh, correction, "Lyle Junior."
I'm good. How is dad?
Is he still going crazy?
Yeah, things are... Things are really good.