Hitch (2005) Movie Script
Basic principles:
No woman wakes up saying:
"God, I hope I don't get
swept off my feet today. "
Now, she might say,
"This is a really bad time for me. "
Or something like, "I just need some space. "
Or my personal favorite:
"I'm really into my career right now. "
You believe that? Neither does she.
You know why?
Because she's lying to you, that's why.
You understand me? Lying.
It's not a bad time for her.
She doesn't need any space.
She may be into her career...
but what she's really saying is,
"Get away from me now. "
Or possibly, "Try harder, stupid. "
Well, which one is it?
60% of all human communication
is nonverbal.
Body language.
30% is your tone.
So that means that
ain't coming out of your mouth.
Toby!
Shit!
Of course she'll lie to you.
She's a nice person,
she doesn't wanna hurt your feelings.
What else is she gonna say?
She doesn't even know you.
Yet.
Luckily, the fact is
that just like the rest of us...
even a beautiful woman doesn't know
what she wants until she sees it.
And that's where I come in.
My job is to open her eyes.
Oh, my God!
Is this what you're looking for?
Basic principles: No matter what,
no matter when, no matter who...
any man has a chance
to sweep any woman off her feet.
Just needs the right broom.
You cannot use what you do not have.
So if you're shy, be shy.
If you're outgoing, be outgoing.
- I'm not outgoing.
- That's okay.
She may not want the whole truth,
but she does want the real you.
She may not want to see it all at once,
but she does want to see it.
So tonight, when you're wondering what
to say, how you look, or if she likes you...
just remember, she is already out with you.
That means she said yes
when she could have said no.
That means she made a plan
when she could have just blown you off.
So that means it is no longer your job
to try to make her like you.
It is your job not to mess it up.
The shoes are hot.
You went to the place I told you?
Yeah, but I don't think they're really me.
"You" is a very fluid concept right now.
You bought the shoes.
You look great in the shoes.
That's the you I'm talking about.
The key tonight is hang back.
Give her plenty of space.
If she lingers at a photograph, move on.
But maintain the visual.
It's supposed to be 64 and clear tonight.
So when you leave the club, walk a little.
Ask her what she thought about the show...
what was her favorite photograph,
why that one.
And when she answers,
don't be looking at her mouth.
Don't be wondering
what she looks like naked.
Listen to what she is saying and respond.
Listen and respond.
That way, when it's your turn to talk...
you'll have something better to say than,
"I like your mouth. "
What was your favorite one?
The elephant, definitely.
And all of a sudden,
we're on date number two.
Ready.
No way.
We're going back in there.
You have to smile.
In case you didn't go to high school,
hitting is a good thing.
So how does it happen, great love?
Are you okay?
- Nobody knows.
- I'm good.
Let me get a Bomb Pop
and a Screwball for the lady.
But what I can tell you,
is that it happens in the blink of an eye.
One moment, you're enjoying your life.
And the next, you're wondering
how you ever lived without them.
Three dates is all I need.
Three dates, and I'll get you here,
to the high-stakes medal round...
where eight out of 10 women
believe that the first kiss...
will tell them everything they need to know
about the relationship.
After that, you're on your own.
But always remember...
life is not the amount of breaths you take.
It's the moments that take your breath away.
Did I call it or did I call it?
I mean, what did I say, six months?
And when was her first date?
So five-and-a-half?
God, I hate it when I'm right.
What is it about guys that makes them
want to screw anything that walks...
even when they're going out with
someone as awesome as Allegra Cole?
She's only the most fabulous thing
walking around New York.
Thanks, Young.
Are you kidding?
Of course I'm gonna run it.
Why should she waste her heart
on some Swedish aristo-brat?
Even if he is gorgeous.
If he's stupid enough to cheat...
the world should know
he's dumb enough to get caught.
Exactly. I'm in the elevator.
See you in a minute.
Good morning, how are you?
Bitter, party of one.
You should try it sometime.
Barbados by myself?
I wouldn't last five minutes.
It was just what the doctor ordered.
I slept in, I did my yoga,
I read a couple of books...
flirted with my scuba instructor.
- And apparently never left the office.
- I know, isn't that great?
You should've taken someone with you.
Who am I gonna take with me?
This is where a boyfriend comes in handy.
- I don't have time for a boyfriend.
- You said that two years ago.
Yes, and it's as true today as it was then.
I thought you were on vacation.
See if these are in focus
and have them in my desk in an hour.
Besides, relationships are for people
waiting for something better to come along.
Spoken like a true cynic.
I'm not a cynic. I'm a realist.
You are a realist masquerading as a cynic
who is secretly an optimist.
What are you doing here?
What is she doing here?
She works here, remember?
No, she doesn't. Not for another four days.
- This couldn't wait.
- It could.
What are you doing? Go back to the beach.
- I don't want you here.
- No, really, you do.
You are becoming
a sick, workaholic lunatic...
and this is exactly...
the kind of nervous, overwrought behavior
that leads to...
Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette.
A very big raise.
Jesus. You could find dirt in a snowstorm.
Comes with the job.
You know, kiddo, there is more to life
than watching other people live it.
Can I help he was cheating on my beach?
I think it's great
that you're so good at your job.
I'm just a little worried as to why.
Let me worry about that.
Okay. I want that column on my desk
by lunch.
So you'll pay for my hotel?
For you to sip mai tais?
I don't think so. Get out.
- Come on.
- What?
- That's good, right?
- No.
No, it was in and it freaked out.
You know what your problem is, Hitch?
You're all about the short game.
You pick your shots
based on what you see first...
not what's necessarily best for you...
in the long run.
All of us are not married to the woman
of our dreams and about to have a baby.
You know, I'm very happy for you.
Just not meant for everybody.
So please just leave me to my hot, sweaty...
totally varied, wildly experimental
short game.
- I was talking about pool, but whatever.
- Yeah, okay.
Honestly, I just hope one day
you're able to experience...
the unconditional love, trust,
and openness...
that I share with Grace every single day.
- Is this really barroom talk?
- You need to listen to me. I'm serious.
Because when you get to a place
with a woman like that...
it's so beyond anything physical that...
when I think back to
when I used to run around with you...
and chase all these really gorgeous
but shallow women...
I don't know, it's kind of ridiculous
and vaguely pathetic.
Yeah, I see what you mean. That's pathetic.
So, how'd you meet him?
I was in La Perla
just buying some weekend thongs.
- And he was doing likewise?
- No.
Actually, he said he was buying something
for his mom.
His mom?
Casey, who buys high-priced lingerie
for their mother?
Well, maybe he was looking for a robe.
Casey, he was hitting on you while
he was buying lingerie for another woman.
- I prefer the mother story.
- I know you do, but that's not the point.
No, the point is I'm not gonna start out
assuming the guy's a liar.
- Why not?
- Because that's how you wind up...
Like me? Is that what you were gonna say?
No. I was gonna say, "Like you. "
- What's his name?
- Why?
- I'm gonna Google him.
- No. Google your own guy.
Let's just see if his mother's still alive.
- So when is Grace due again?
- Soon.
- You excited?
- What'd you say?
Do you want me to go get them
and bring them over here?
No, don't do that.
Are you saying you don't wanna talk to them
because you can't go home with them?
I'm just trying to keep my head above water.
- Have you heard of the Date Doctor?
- Urban myth.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
I was hoping he also helped women.
Casey, you're not sick. You're single.
You just have to relax and enjoy the ride.
I haven't been ridden in months.
On that happy note, I'm gonna go see
if anybody interesting came in tonight.
- You mean, besides me.
- Right.
Bye.
I'll go get those girls,
bring them over here...
and we'll have a conversation
like human beings.
Then you're gonna home,
and I'll take them back to my apartment.
Well, that sounds like fun for me.
But you might want to get in line, pal.
- Hey, girl.
- Hey, how are you?
Hey, baby, can I get a couple Coronas
at the pool table, please? Thanks.
Excuse me.
Lime wedges in the bottle's fine.
Hey, asshole, I don't work here.
I'm sorry. The paramedics will have to come
to get my foot out of my mouth, sweetheart.
Just don't let it happen again.
- I knew you didn't work here.
- You did?
How else was I supposed to get you away
from all those guys?
Why would you want to do that?
Some guys naturally develop a comfort
with the opposite sex.
They like women, women like them.
Everything flows naturally.
Back in college, I was just not one of them.
I seemed to lack the basic understanding...
that my peers just intuitively grasped.
But like any late bloomer,
I was eager to make up for lost time.
Her name was Cressida Baylor.
Can you tell me
where the registration building is?
And my life would never be the same.
- I'm Alex.
- Cressida.
What we had was beautiful.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I love you, too, Alex.
I know you don't love me
as much as I love you.
But that's okay.
I'm just glad you love me at all.
In retrospect,
I guess I may have come on a little strong.
But the experience taught me a lot.
Cressida!
What are you doing?
I'm sorry, Alex.
But I love you. What did I do wrong?
Just tell me what I did wrong.
You're doing it right now.
Alex, I'm sorry.
And it's an education
I feel obliged to pass on to my fellow men.
Because with no guile and no game,
there's no girl.
If ever a man born was without game...
it was Albert Brennaman.
My business is 100% referral
and, thus far, untraceable.
And if there's one thing I've learned...
when you orchestrate, coordinate,
and otherwise mess with fate...
it's best to fly under the radar.
I hope she's single
'cause I don't do break-ups.
Hi. Thank you for seeing me.
Yeah, no.
I mean, she just got out of a relationship.
Is that a problem?
Because if it is, that's fine.
I'm a little uncomfortable with this anyway.
Definitely been hurt a lot.
I had a lot of bad experiences.
Some good ones.
But definitely a lot of bad ones.
I'm desperate, basically.
I mean, not in general, you understand?
You know, not just for anybody.
But, man, for her... Yeah.
Why don't you tell me about her?
Let's see, what can I say?
My company handles her finances.
I'm her tax consultant.
Well, I'm one of them.
I'm the junior man on the account.
- So does she know you're interested?
- No.
Alive?
I lent her my pen once.
Shoot. Does anyone have a pen?
- Here, take mine.
- Albert, you're crushing my arm.
Sorry about that. Here you go, Allegra.
Allegra? As in Allegra Cole?
Yeah, I realize that I'm not her usual type.
Well, her last boyfriend owned Sweden
or something.
And that guy was a bum.
He didn't seem like
a very nice person to me.
You swing for the fence.
Look, you don't think I tried
talking myself out of this?
I mean, you don't think I know
how ridiculous this is? I know, okay?
I just thought that maybe with your help...
You know what?
I'm really sorry I wasted your time.
Hold on a second, Albert.
You know what it's like
getting up every morning feeling hopeless?
Feeling like the love of your life
is waking up with the wrong man?
But at the same time,
hoping that she still finds happiness...
even if it's never gonna be with you?
You are flat-out...
out of your mind. You know that?
That's good.
It is?
You ever heard of Michelangelo?
Heard of the Sistine Chapel?
Michelangelo.
Sistine Chapel.
You saying you can do this?
My name is Alex Hitchens.
Let's go paint that ceiling.
Take it easy.
Oh, my God!
Well, it looks like I'm still rich.
But what I would really like,
and what I was wondering is...
if I could have $500,000
to invest on my own.
And what were you thinking
of investing in, Allegra?
Well, it's something
that I really have a passion for.
Daydreams are for private time.
When you're in the room, be in the room.
Concentrate. Focus.
Women respond when you respond to them.
My friend Maggie is a talented designer.
I've seen the business plan
and the samples look fantastic.
And I would really like to get involved.
I'll tell you what.
Let us come up with a range of investments
that we think you might be interested in...
and next month,
we'll run the whole lot of them by you.
Okay.
Fine. Thank you. All right, gentlemen.
Let's go over this one more time.
What is the objective?
Shock and awe.
That was shockingly awful.
What is the objective?
Shock and awe.
What is the objective?
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes, Albert?
I don't really agree with that.
You don't really agree with what?
I think if you want to invest $500,000
in your friend's business...
that's exactly what you should do.
You don't need us to tell you what to do.
We're a board of advisers,
not your kindergarten teachers.
If you want to be taken seriously
as an adult...
then start taking yourself seriously
as an adult...
instead of asking for permission
to invest your own money...
from a boardroom
full of your daddy's golf buddies.
- That's quite enough!
- I'm not finished.
I'd like to see anybody in this room
handle the attention and publicity...
that she's had to deal with her whole life,
with half her class.
We should be taking advice from you,
Miss Cole. Not the other way around.
- Sit down...
- No! You know what? I quit!
Oh, my God.
Just breathe. How'd it go?
I yelled at her. I screamed at my boss!
I quit my job!
- What?
- You said...
- I gotta go back.
- No, I didn't tell you to quit.
Relax. Okay, listen, we're fine.
- Would you let me go?
- Albert, no!
Just relax! Okay?
- Just let it marinate for a second. Trust me.
- No!
Relax.
- It's Allegra Cole.
- Answer it.
- Could I speak to you a second?
- Answer the door, Albert.
Yes. Hi.
What's up?
Listen, Albert, right?
- People don't usually talk to me like that.
- Close your mouth, man.
Let me rephrase that.
People never talk to me like that.
Stand up.
I guess it's kind of scary for them.
But that's why I really appreciate
what you did in there.
But I was wondering...
do you think that you and I could
get together sometime this week?
You know, to go over things.
Financial things.
I'd like to see the areas
where I can afford to take some risks.
- Check your schedule.
- I'll check my schedule.
Great. Let me give you my number.
Do you have a pen?
I don't think I have one.
- Yes, I do.
- Great.
And call me Allegra.
- You're done.
- Goodbye.
Good job.
Oh, damn.
She's some kind of newspaper columnist.
Comes in here once in a while. Great tipper.
What's her drink?
Usually beer.
Tonight, Grey Goose martini, dirty.
Hi.
I noticed your glass was getting low...
so I took the liberty
of bringing you another apple martini.
Thank you.
And I couldn't help but notice
you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
- What's your name?
- They call me Chip.
You can't get them to stop?
That was funny.
Listen, I understand the courage it takes
to walk across a room...
and try to generate a relationship
out of thin air.
- So don't take the following personally.
- You have fantastic eyes.
Thanks. Try to listen.
This is no reflection on you.
I'm just not interested.
But thank you for the compliment
of coming over.
You're welcome.
So do you like Cuban food?
Chip, seriously, that was not code for,
"I wish you'd try harder. "
Are you always so shut-down and afraid
that the right man might make you...
Feel like a natural woman?
Sorry I'm late, honey.
I couldn't get a cab. How was the meeting?
Well, there was a beginning,
a middle, and an end.
Nice to meet you, Chip.
You, too.
On the one hand,
it is very difficult for a man...
to even speak to someone
who looks like you.
But on the other hand,
should that be your problem?
So life's kind of hard all around.
Not if you pay attention.
You're sending all the right signals:
No earrings, heels under two inches,
your hair is pulled back...
wearing reading glasses with no book,
drinking a Grey Goose martini...
which means you had a hell of a week
and a beer just wouldn't do it.
If that wasn't clear enough...
there's always the "fuck off"
that you have stamped on your forehead.
Who'd believe there's a man out there
that can sit by a woman he doesn't know...
and genuinely be interested in who she is,
what she does, without his own agenda?
I wouldn't even know
what that would look like.
So what would a guy like that say?
He'd say, "My name is Alex Hitchens
and I'm a consultant. "
But she wouldn't be interested in that...
because she'd be counting the seconds
until he left.
Thinking he was like every other guy.
Which, life experience has taught her,
is a virtual certainty.
But then he'd ask her name
and what she did for a living...
and she might blow him off.
Or she might say...
I'm Sara Melas.
I run the gossip column at the Standard.
And then he'd ask
all these penetrating questions about her...
because he was sincerely,
if atypically, interested.
No.
- No?
- He'd be interested.
But he'd see that there was no way...
he could possibly make her realize
that he was for real.
Well, he could be funny and charming
and refreshingly original.
Wouldn't help.
- Don't you hate it when that happens?
- Not really.
They'd both probably go on
to lead the lives they were headed toward.
My guess is they'd do just fine.
It's a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas.
Grey Goose martini
from the gentleman who just left.
Is that for me?
What?
Vance Munson. Sorry I'm late.
No, not a problem.
Wow, you're the...
- Can I get you something to drink, Mr...
- No, I'm fine, thank you.
So, tell me about her.
Have you ever met someone...
and you knew right away
she was gonna be important to you?
Not just because of her looks,
but that X factor.
How'd you meet her?
Actually, I was in a shop
buying pajamas for my mom.
And by that, of course, you mean...
you were buying lingerie
for another woman.
Yes. You can't help
where you meet somebody.
And the lingerie is for a woman
I'm no longer seeing.
But anyway, the girl I met,
the one I was talking about...
she's so sweet, funny, Southern.
She gives me her number.
Now she won't return my phone calls.
I don't know what it is about her.
I just can't get her out of my mind.
You know, food has lost its taste.
Colors, they seem dull.
Things that used to matter...
I don't know, they just no longer do.
I think things aren't gonna snap back
unless I...
Unless I bang her.
Excuse me?
You know, bang her. Clear my head.
Get in, get off, get out.
I think you may have misunderstood
what I do exactly.
No, I was told you help guys get in there.
Right. But, see, here's the thing.
My clients actually like women.
Hit it and quit it is not my thing.
Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi.
I need professional help.
Well, that is for damn certain.
And I'm glad you can admit it
because generally that's the hardest part.
You see what I'm doing?
This is what I'm about.
Power suit, power tie, power steering.
People can wince, cry, beg,
but eventually they do what I want.
So that's, like, a metaphor.
Well, I'm more of a literal kind of guy.
So when I do this...
this is more like me saying
that I will literally break your shit off...
if you ever touch me again. Okay, pumpkin?
Got it.
No.
Pablo, I can't just mention your restaurant.
Somebody has to eat there.
No, somebody famous. You know that.
- Sara Melas?
- No.
Okay. Bye.
I need your signature.
I hate it when a guy calls a girl
who did not give him her number.
So this is me not calling. Over.
Yes, you're right.
This is much less invasive.
I've been thinking about
that sign on your forehead.
And I was wondering if you'd mind
taking it down for dinner Friday night. Over.
I can't. I have a couple of parties
I have to hit.
Gossip never sleeps.
Not till about 4:00 a. m.
Saturday.
I have a date.
Do you know the definition
of "perseverance," Miss Melas?
An excuse to be obnoxious?
Continuing in a course of action...
without regard to discouragement,
opposition or previous failure. Over.
Okay, Webster, how do I get rid of you?
Breakfast, Sunday.
And you can barely even call that a date.
You do that with out-of-town relatives
that you don't even like. Over.
Come on.
Okay, I guess I could do Sunday.
You forgot to say "over. " Over.
This conversation's over
as soon as you tell me when and where.
I don't do 7:00 a. m.
- Hello?
- Sign here.
- What?
- You said Sunday, right?
Yeah.
What if I would have said Friday?
Sunday.
So I guess you're not going to church.
Do you really expect me to wear this?
Itll be awful cold out there without it.
- Good morning.
- "Good" would have been at 10:00.
You're a lot taller than I remember.
You ever ride one of these?
Not on the Hudson.
So, what do you wanna do?
Race me around the Statue of Liberty?
If there's time.
- But you might need these.
- All right.
- Bam.
- Wow.
How do I look?
Fabulous.
All right, I give.
Where do I change?
So we'll go past the wall, then take a left.
It's pretty much a straight shot from there.
- Straight shot to where?
- That's for me to know and you to find out.
What you do with these babies is...
Yeah, what I do with this baby
is kick your ass.
- What happened? You change your mind?
- It just died.
Did you put gas in it?
No. You know, I think it must have
sucked up a diaper or something.
Gross. Try it again.
You want me to call AAA?
Come on around
and let me hop on with you.
I don't know. What if you break mine, too?
Then we'll both be sitting ducks.
- I didn't break it. It just died.
- Yeah, yeah.
All right, hop on.
- Scoot back.
- Hitch, I'm already here.
But you don't know where we're going.
Why don't you tell me?
Then we'll both know.
Man, male egos.
I don't know how you guys
make it through the day with them.
What? It is not my ego.
I just don't want to ruin the surprise.
I'm sorry. Are you all right?
There. I always keep a few of those around.
Thank you.
I have lower back trouble.
I just shove the ice packs right down there.
No. That's a fresh one.
So, Ellis Island.
I have to admit, I have lived in New York
my whole life and I've never been here.
I figured that. Most people haven't.
So I got my man Larry here
to set us up a private tour.
- Great!
- Anything for Hitch.
It was originally known as Oyster Island.
The island was expanded
to its present size...
with dirt removed during the construction
of the New York subway system.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
- Did you know this?
- Yeah. That's why I brought you here.
In fact, over 100 million Americans
can trace their ancestry...
back to a single man, woman, or child
on the ship's manifest...
to an inspector's ledger.
By 1910, 75% of the residents of New York...
Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, and Boston...
were immigrants,
or the children of immigrants.
They generally lived
in the poorest sections of the cities...
in Little Italys, Chinatowns
and other ethnic enclaves.
It's called The Kissing Post.
The plaque explains how different cultures
kiss after long absences.
Now, what exactly would qualify
as a long absence?
I mean...
- That count?
- No.
I actually had a relative come through here.
- Really?
- Yeah.
What?
- What?
- What was that thing?
No. You know, I was just thinking...
you can't really know where you're going
until you know where you've been.
- Ain't that right, Larry?
- Amen, brother.
That's kind of deep for a first date,
don't you think?
What is that?
Oh, my God!
That's my great-great-grandfather.
That's his signature.
Jesus, it's right here!
How did you know?
Hitch did the search. I just found the page.
I'm sorry.
I saw that going differently in my mind.
So my family never saw him again.
Well, except for on the Wanted posters.
Look, I'm really sorry.
When I saw it on the computer,
it said, "the Butcher of Cdiz. "
I thought it was a profession,
not a headline.
It's just one of those horrible family legacies
we've all tried to forget.
But thank you.
No, it was...
- A train wreck.
- No.
Let me get you a cab.
Thanks.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Taxi!
Poor guy.
Sounds like he went to a lot of trouble.
It was fun. In a disastrous kind of way.
I mean, this isn't exactly a hickey.
At least you got a good story
out of it, right?
Right?
- You should try mine, it's great.
- Wait. You're seeing him again?
Well, look, you said that
I'm always expecting men...
to let me down, right?
Assuming that they're gonna fail?
Which he did.
Yeah, but he did it with flair.
I mean, Case, he really tanked.
And that's a desirable trait?
Yeah. Weird, huh?
Now, just keep it simple.
Just like we practiced.
We're just leaving a message.
Women like Allegra Cole
don't pick up numbers they don't recognize.
Hello?
She's on the phone!
- Yes. Hello, Miss Cole?
- Yeah.
Hi, I have Albert Brennaman for you.
- One moment, please.
- No. Tell her I'm at lunch.
We called her to tell her you're at lunch?
Allegra. Hi, it's Albert Brennaman.
Hi, how are you?
Good. I'm doing good.
The reason I'm calling
is about our appointment this Wednesday.
Not gonna be able to make it.
Well, when can you make it?
When can I do it?
I don't even know,
because my whole next week is slammed.
Right. But it's all good.
No, we're gonna make it happen though,
that's for sure.
We're going to make it happen. Yes.
What's going on over there?
Just moving some things around.
Sky Studios.
Tonight I'm actually going
to this fashion thing at Sky Studios.
Designer friend.
I just thought it might be something
your designer friend would be interested in.
Yeah, definitely.
Well, great.
Then I will put you back on with my...
- Allegra, over here, please.
- Miss Cole, this way.
Great. One more.
- Hi, there.
- This was a fantastic idea.
I suppose. Hey, where's Maggie?
Late as usual.
Tonight I want you to meditate
on the image of an iceberg.
Do you know why I want you to do that?
Because I'm cool?
- No.
- I know, I'm not.
I'm saying that you are an iceberg...
in that over 90% of your mass
is below the surface.
I know I'm heavy. I am.
I'm talking about who you are.
It's a metaphor.
Accounting, business...
all of that is just a small part
of a much deeper, richer Albert.
One more.
It's gonna be loud in there...
so this is our opportunity
to break the touch barrier...
in a non-sleazy way.
So get to where it's loudest.
Ask her if she'd like a drink.
Lean in, place your hand
on the small of her back...
and say it in her ear like a secret.
Watch your hand placement.
Too high says, "I just wanna be friends. "
Too low says, "I just wanna grab some ass. "
Friends. Ass. Me.
Special issues: Allegra Cole is a celebrity...
which means that when people talk to her,
they'll ignore you completely.
She's classy, so she'll introduce you.
When she does, shake hands hard
and speak up. Let them know you're there.
Show her you can handle being her escort.
- Egon, this is Albert.
- How you doing?
- Albert, this is Zak.
- Nice to see you.
These guys are friends with Maggie.
- Been to that new Brazilian restaurant?
- No, but I am...
It's disgusting.
I'm writing an article about it.
Did you see the new installation at MOMA?
- Yes, did you think...
- Disgusting.
Women can always tell
when you're not being real with them.
Worst thing you can do is try to fake it,
because you are a great guy.
And you do have something
to offer Allegra that no other man does.
What was your name? Eggnog?
Egon.
What do you think of the design of the Jets'
new football stadium on the West Side?
Let me guess. Disgusting?
Think it over. We'll be back.
Thank you. I can't stand those guys.
Really? I kind of liked them.
But when all is said and done...
tonight is not about Allegra.
- It's not?
- No. Tonight is about Maggie.
A woman's best friend has to sign off
on all big relationship decisions.
So you can't afford to mess this up.
Albert, I want you to meet
my friend, Maggie.
Hi, Maggie.
It's an absolute pleasure to meet you.
I'm Maggie.
- No, you're not.
- Actually, I am.
Magnus Forester.
Thank you so much for inviting us.
- You have very soft hands.
- Thank you.
- Wow. So do you.
- Thank you.
So tonight, you focus on one thing
and one thing only.
Maggie.
- Where does your inspiration come from?
- Oh, my God.
Anything I see.
Something in a magazine,
out on the street...
in an old movie.
The receptive nature of the creative facility
just astounds me.
Anybody want any spring rolls?
That's a beautiful tie, by the way.
This whole thing, it just works.
Thank you.
- Is he gay?
- I don't think so.
I like him.
About the deejay.
Generally, I have a firm no-dancing policy.
But if she asks, you cannot say no.
I'm not worried about dancing.
But if there are people there...
I'm sorry, I hate to be a stickler,
but I need to be thorough.
Show me what you mean
by you're not worried about it.
Trust me. You know what I'm gonna do.
That's what it's all about, right there.
See how it gets bigger?
Now I'm gonna start the fire.
But the feet are going.
I start the fire, I make the pizza.
Hips are always going.
Can't get enough hip.
From there, the Q-Tip.
Q-Tip. Throw it away.
That's not working, hit them with this.
Don't ever...
do that again.
Do you hear me?
- Just expressing myself.
- No.
Not like that, you're not, all right?
This is where you live.
Right here.
You live right here, okay? This is home.
None of this.
I don't wanna see none of that.
Don't need no pizza. They got food there.
Elbows, 6 inches from the waist,
Don't you bite your lip. Stop it.
Women relate dancing to sex, all right?
Even a great dancer can lose it
with one of these.
Okay, now that's what I need to be learning.
Can't stop it.
You cannot stop it.
Next subject.
Get out.
Thanks.
So, are you a Knicks fan?
When they're good.
- I'm really sorry.
- Oh, God. Why?
- She was there?
- I left you a bunch of messages.
My phone fell in the Hudson.
Yeah, well, it gets worse.
I don't believe this.
- I thought he was a bodyguard.
- I'm the only one who will need protection.
- Max is gonna...
- Gonna be really irritated.
When I got the train this morning,
I thought it was gonna be a good day.
Who the hell is Albert Brennaman?
- Tell me how this happened.
- What? There were some photographers.
Does this even look like dancing to you?
That's just a little bit of me being me.
No, that's you being a lot of something
you don't need to ever be again.
- It's just one dance.
- No.
One dance, one look, one kiss.
That's all we get, Albert.
Just one shot to make the difference...
between happily ever after and:
"Oh, he's just some guy
I went to some thing with once. "
All right?
- What?
- You said "kiss. "
Is that a problem?
It's not a problem, but this is Allegra Cole.
Eight out of 10 women believe
that the first kiss...
will tell them everything they need to know
about a relationship.
And believe me,
she has definitely thought about it.
- She has?
- Of course.
Not that she's gonna act on it.
So it's no real big deal.
- All right, it's no big deal then.
- It's a very big deal!
- Huge.
- Monumental!
You are not listening...
I need you to wrap your head around this.
Tomorrow night, Allegra Cole...
could have her last first kiss.
All right, come on,
just show me what you got.
- What do you mean?
- Just show me how you would kiss me.
I wouldn't kiss you.
I'm not me, I'm Allegra.
But you're really not, so...
Okay, Albert, end of the night,
you're dropping me off at home.
- Show me the magic.
- I'm not comfortable with this.
God, Albert,
I had such a wonderful time with you.
Yeah, how about those Knicks?
You see what I'm doing?
This is a signal. I'm fiddling with my keys.
A woman that doesn't want a kiss...
takes her keys out, puts them in the door,
goes in the house.
A woman that wants to kiss, she fiddles.
I'm fiddling.
Okay, you have a good night now...
- You see what I'm doing?
- Robbing me?
No.
This is what most guys do.
They rush in to take the kiss.
But you're not most guys.
See, the secret to a kiss
is to go 90% of the way...
and then hold.
- For how long?
- As long as it takes...
for her to come the other 10%.
Okay, 90%-10%. Got it.
Okay, come on. Shake it off. It's your turn.
I had a really nice time tonight, Albert.
I had a great time tonight, too, Allegra...
with a beard.
What's up?
- I'm not feeling it.
- What do you mean? I came 90%.
I'm not feeling like you want it.
Look, I'm Allegra Cole,
the woman of your dreams.
The woman whose green eyes
are limpid pools of desire.
Now, show me the magic, Albert.
- What the hell was that?
- I'm showing you the magic!
No, I said come 90% and then I come 10%!
You don't go the whole 100%!
My mouth was open, Albert.
You overeager son of a...
Other than that, how was it?
They came together, they danced together,
and they left together.
He's cute, in a sheepdog kind of way.
For all I know, he's adorable.
But him dating her is...
You seem stressed.
You and I had an understanding.
If you invite Allegra,
you're supposed to call me.
I didn't invite her.
Honestly, sweetie,
I thought she was still in Europe.
- So you invited Albert?
- No.
Look, it says here the tickets
went to some guy named Alex Hitchens.
What?
Machine.
Hi, it's Sara.
I just wanted to say thank you...
for an unforgettable experience...
the other day.
And if you ever want to see
your shirt again...
you can come by
the Fulton Fish Market tonight, around 8:00.
Okay, bye.
- Do you think he'll show?
- Yeah.
He's too much of a player
to have a bad date on his record.
Is this a source or a date?
A source.
Well, it sounded like a date.
Well, it was supposed to.
So it looks like a date
and it sounds like a date...
- but it's not a date.
- Yeah. Right.
Just checking.
Hi. I wasn't sure you got my message.
I wasn't sure you called the right guy.
You must be a glutton for punishment.
Either that or I really wanna pay you back.
I think this is yours.
Thank you.
I'm gonna frame this for my wall of shame.
Really? There's a whole wall?
So what are we getting into?
Ever been to a food rave before?
Happens once a month, all around the city.
Different chefs, different venues.
You any good in the kitchen?
I can stand the heat,
if that's what you mean.
Good. Because that's my boss
and his wife right over there.
Interesting.
Well, here's a concept:
We're paying to cook our own food.
Here's another concept:
Shut up. It's an evening out.
The longer you're married,
the less you go out.
In a couple of years, we're gonna end up
bricked into our apartment like a Poe story.
So, Louise, are you
in the newspaper business, also?
No, I'm a psychiatrist.
Well, that's the last thing
I'm gonna say tonight.
So, Sara, you never told me.
How was the Sky Studio fashion thing
you went to the other night?
Did you meet anyone worth mentioning?
No.
Really? I find that very odd.
- Max.
- I think you're being odd.
Well, I'm always odd.
It's why you married me.
And it's why I married you.
Speaking of which, Hitch...
what exactly are your intentions
for the lovely Sara?
Wait, you know what?
Actually, there was someone.
I think I met your friends Albert and Allegra.
- My friends who and who?
- Allegra Cole?
Really? How do you know her?
- I don't.
- So you know Albert?
- Knew.
- He had your tickets.
I mean, how well do you really
know your accountant?
April 15, and then you don't see him again
till April 15.
Ladies and gentlemen...
a coquille St. Jacques
with a lemon butter reduction.
- Compliments of our chef.
- Thank you.
I'm sure you're really gonna enjoy this.
That's really good.
I'm very impressed.
Why is that?
Around these two, people usually can't wait
to name-drop and dish their friends...
and you're being all discreet.
Yeah, it's quite endearing.
Actually, it is.
So why don't we change the subject?
- Are you all right?
- Yeah. No, I'm fine.
So Sara tells me
that you're a consultant, Hitch.
Yeah, mostly marketing, little advertising,
brand management.
I have no idea what that means.
No one does.
That's why I get to charge so much.
Are you sure you're all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Is it itchy in here or is it just me?
- I know what's happening.
- No.
You think that I'm in a stressful state...
because I'm trying to make
a good impression...
while also dealing
with my commitment issues...
trying to avoid
all these awkward conversations.
No, I think you have food allergies.
- Wow.
- What?
- Benadryl. Where's the Benadryl?
- Aisle 2.
- Which one's Aisle 2?
- The one with the big 2 over it.
Sara, I'm fine.
- You sure it's in Aisle 2?
- No.
Really, it is not that serious.
Benadryl.
- A lot of Benadryl. A lot.
- What? Are you...
Coquille St. Jacques. Death on a leaf!
Come on!
Okay, we're doing fine.
Just a couple more blocks
and you get to lie down.
Wait, who sings that song again?
Oh, girl. Earth, Wind & Fire.
You should let them sing it.
I bet this would be great on the rocks.
It's good, right?
I bet I can ask you
just about anything right now.
No.
I'm a vault, baby. Locked down.
What is an heiress doing with a CPA?
They're going to the Knicks game.
Yep, Fort Knox.
He loves her so much!
I'm sure he does.
I'm telling you, people search
their whole lives trying to find the...
Reasons that we're here
I wouldn't know.
You would if you saw it.
Sometimes it's really hard
to see the forest through the sleaze.
What about you? You ever been in love?
Yep.
But you're never gonna know that.
Okay, I think you've had enough
of the juice box.
Let's go.
This is some place.
You live here alone?
Yeah. I actually prefer it that way.
What about you?
I haven't had a roommate since college,
and he upped and married my sister.
- Really?
- Yeah, they're gonna have a baby soon.
Uncle Hitch.
Thank you.
- So, how do you feel?
- Good.
Relaxed.
So what about you? Any siblings?
Sister. Maria. Lives in D.C.
Younger, right?
I could hear it in your voice.
Sort of an innate protective thing.
Yeah, I guess.
What?
She almost died once.
I was 10.
We were skating on the pond
behind our house...
and she fell through the ice.
My dad pulled her out.
Gave her mouth-to-mouth.
Longest three minutes of my life.
Yeah, I'm sure.
I don't think I've ever really gotten over it.
Kind of defines you, doesn't it?
You know like,
one moment you're gliding along...
the next moment you're standing in the rain
watching your life fall apart.
Except it was snow.
Yeah. That's what I said, "snow. "
You said "rain. "
Some kind of precipitation.
Is that what happened to you?
Nothing as dramatic
as falling through the ice.
You know...
it definitely...
Left a scar?
Yeah.
I guess it's best just not to love at all, right?
Or skate.
Are you here?
Sara, you're such an idiot! You moron!
What the hell did you think?
You're so stupid! You gotta learn, Sara.
- When are you gonna learn...
- Should I come back later?
Hi. I thought you left.
Well, I did,
but then I came back with breakfast.
I figured it was the least that I could do.
I didn't know what you were drinking...
so I got a grande cap, a latte,
an Earl Grey tea...
and something with "chai" in the title.
Tea for me.
Tea. Yes! I was hoping you'd say that.
Oh, God.
You're a morning person, aren't you?
Well, like I always tell my clients:
Begin each day as if it were on purpose.
- Wow. Beautiful day.
- Yeah.
- Beautiful girl.
- Thank you.
Well, I'm this way.
I'm that way.
Give me a ring sometime.
I mean, on the phone.
No, I definitely will.
Good.
I gotta go to work.
Bye.
Goodbye.
Can you believe what a beautiful day it is...
not?
- What's wrong, pumpkin?
- I'm so stupid.
I ignored your advice. I went on that date.
With who?
Not the lingerie guy.
Vance Munson. And you're right,
there's no way he ever had a mother.
That bad?
He took me to Scalinatella,
and he was affectionate and sweet.
He told me all these intimate things,
like how he can't taste food...
and he wants three kids.
So you slept with him.
I never seen anybody get dressed that fast.
Case, I'm so sorry.
- Maybe I'll just die alone after all.
- No, you won't.
You'll meet a great guy with a great smile
and you'll travel the world together.
Who are you? Where's my best friend?
It's true. He just hasn't found you yet.
But he will.
Just as he's leaving, guess what he says:
"Date Doctor, my ass. "
- What does that mean?
- It means he's really out there.
And if I ever meet him, the only date
he's gonna need is with a real doctor.
That's him.
Vance, is that you?
Yeah, hey there, beautiful.
Sara Melas, from the Standard.
I'd like to discuss
the dating consultant you hired...
before you went out with Casey Sedgewick.
You don't wanna talk, that's fine.
I'm going to write this anyway.
You just earned yourself a photo
with a boldface caption.
What? Nice.
I can only imagine how the trading
floor guys will react when they see this.
You have no proof, no facts.
Vance, I'm a gossip columnist, not the DA.
Okay, how much will it cost me
to stay out of this?
I don't want money. I want a name.
- I don't know his name.
- Well, what do you know?
I know this.
All this for a lousy lay.
Are we satisfied?
Almost.
No, you... You got to be...
Is this really necessary?
Have you seen your back?
No, but I see my front and maybe
we should be starting with some sit-ups.
God! Mother of Troy!
Hello?
That's crazy.
Just hearing your voice makes me smile.
How are you?
I'm good, I think.
No, actually, you know what?
I feel a little strange.
I'm good.
Sweet Georgia Brown!
What was that?
No, that's just some guy screaming.
Listen, is there any context...
under which you'd consider facial edema
and pharmaceutical intervention a date?
Probably not.
How about a do-over?
- What do you have in mind?
- Dinner, my place.
Because obviously going anywhere public
with you is out of the question.
God! That's it. I don't like you very much.
What is that?
Wait, I'm getting up.
It's like one of those makeover shows.
- That's a makeover show?
- It's Danish.
Almost done!
Friday?
Can't. I told a friend I'd go speed dating.
You know, for moral support.
But tomorrow I'm free.
Great. All right, 8:00?
Great.
- All right. Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- See, it wasn't so bad, was it?
- God!
Ball is back in play
after a 20-second timeout.
Knicks lead the Grizzlies, 12-6,
here early in the first quarter.
- So this is what this feels like?
- "This" being?
Great seats, great game.
Great date.
I mean, sort of.
To me, it feels like a...
- Date?
- Yeah.
Look at her. She looks so happy.
How does a guy like that end up
with a girl like her?
I am so jealous.
I've always wanted to be able to do that.
Really? Tonight is your lucky night.
Let's see what you got.
Okay. You ready?
- Oh, God. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Knicks off to a great start...
All right, here's how it works.
Central Park Zoo, tomorrow, noon,
by the sea lions.
No, don't worry. I'll find you.
All right. Thank you.
It's all right. I'm sorry.
Damn me.
That was it! You got it. Do it again.
Look how cute they are.
Thanks.
I had a great time tonight, Albert.
I had a great time, too, Allegra.
Good night.
Good night, Albert.
- Allegra.
- Yes?
Hold on.
I like your lips.
They seem to like you, too.
Good night.
Good night.
- Anything?
- Not yet.
But I got some great shots
of you biting your nails.
Well, it's a big story.
- Incoming.
- Really?
Yep. They're shaking hands.
This is so great. I can't wait to nail this guy.
Make sure you get a good shot of his face.
- What's he look like?
- Tall, dark, and handsome.
Basic principles:
No matter what, no matter who,
no matter when.
This is killing me.
Geoff is managing to play it straight.
How long have you been in love with her?
Her? About two-and-a-half years.
Take a look.
- How'd you get my card?
- Albert Brennaman.
- Great guy, isn't he?
- Excellent guy.
What? Sara.
- Pleasure to meet you, Geoff.
- Hey, what...
- How'd you get my card?
- Albert Brennaman.
- Great guy, isn't he?
- Excellent guy.
You sure you want to do this?
Why wouldn't I?
Louise made an interesting observation
on the way home the other night.
She said people who are guarded
are afraid...
that you can see right through them.
That's why they hide behind
layers of secrecy or humor.
He'll have to hide behind a lot more
than that once this hits the fan.
She meant you.
What do you want me to say?
That I like the guy?
Yeah, sure, I liked the guy.
Well, here's his shirt.
- Why don't you think about it? Call me.
- Thanks.
Papi, Sara Melas is here to see you.
Thanks a lot, Raoul. Send her up.
And stop calling me papi.
Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes.
I believe this belongs to you.
Yeah, this thing is like a bad penny.
Wow!
So this is it.
Yeah, this is it.
Business must be good.
Well, it has its rewards.
I'll bet.
Tough day?
You could say that.
Well, you know what?
You can just sit back and relax.
I got this all covered.
Spanish wine!
How thoughtful are we?
- Here, let me pour that for you.
- No, that's okay.
- You want some?
- Sure.
So, Hitch.
Is that a noun or a verb?
I guess it depends.
Let's see, what should we toast to?
Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink.
But if you must lie,
lie in the arms of the one you love.
If you must steal,
steal away from bad company.
If you must cheat, cheat death.
And if you must drink...
drink in the moments
that take your breath away.
Did you just make that up?
Make yourself at home.
I'm gonna check on the risotto.
Look at this! Which one's the music?
It does lights, too?
Let me help you out with that.
Now, this is nifty.
What are you doing?
How does it work, exactly?
Well, usually you have dinner,
then you have dessert.
No, I mean your thriving business.
I don't do interviews.
But if you'd like to get back to the evening,
I'd be happy to sit and talk.
Great idea. You start.
Well, maybe I would if you weren't snarling.
What if I told you...
that I know exactly what you do
and how you do it?
And I think it's despicable!
You know what?
We might need to go out to dinner.
There's a great seafood restaurant
I'd love to take you to.
How about you just get a cleaver, butcher?
- Maybe I will!
- What the hell is wrong with you?
Nothing a front-page story can't cure.
So that's what this is all about?
Albert and Allegra
on the front of your crap-ass newspaper?
- You put them there!
- No, you did!
No, he did! The minute he called you!
Dr. Hitch. Listen to me, papi.
I need to bring my partner, Amir,
somewhere amazing for our anniversary.
Maybe it's not your thing, but maybe it is.
What the hell are you talking about, Raoul?
It's you, no?
So, my friend, how was she? Pretty good?
How was she? I'll tell you! She was great!
Isn't that the Date Doctor?
- I'm telling you, that's him.
- He doesn't look anything like him.
- Excuse me. Do you know him?
- No.
I want you to look me in the eye
and tell me that he did not hire you.
Ma'am, I have never seen this man
before in my life.
See you later, Tony.
Tony? You have got
some serious explaining to do.
Albert. Hitch. You all right?
I can't really talk right now.
I'm kind of tied up.
One, two. On three.
Women will remain seated.
Men will rotate to the left at the buzzer.
You get two minutes each,
four minutes total.
So trade your talk time when you hear...
the gong.
If it's mutual, you get numbers.
If not, better luck next time, okay?
Ladies, take your seats.
Case, you are a living testimonial
to the triumph of hope over experience.
Thanks for coming.
I know it's lame. I'm sure it's the last thing
you feel like doing.
I really prefer Rachmaninoff
to the heavier romantic composers.
But despite the pan-Germanic
anti-Semitism...
I'd still have to say my favorite is Wagner.
- Nice talking to you.
- Thank you. Bye.
Bye.
Excuse me.
That's my seat, man.
My name is Ron. I'm 28.
Albert Brennaman is a good man.
In fact, Albert Brennaman is a great man.
I just got out of a five-year relationship.
I'm a lot of fun at parties. I like dogs...
And then you're mad at me
for what I do for a living?
I've already got your number...
so why don't you go
consult your conscience?
- Albert is in love with her.
- Just like Sebastian?
- Is there a problem?
- No, just one sec.
- What do you have against Allegra anyway?
- Nothing.
My interest is protecting women
from assholes like you.
I did ice climbing once.
- You don't even know me.
- And whose fault is that?
...the sun comes up,
the ice really starts to fall apart.
I bet. I'm sorry.
- Do you know this guy?
- Apparently not.
You're in my seat.
You really...
I'm doing you a favor, believe me.
Basically, I like outdoor sports.
But indoor sports have their place, too.
There are certain aspects of my job
that are secretive.
And my job is to try to find the truth.
The truth? You wouldn't know the truth
if it kicked you in the head.
If Albert Brennaman has to take a fall for it,
so be it.
Why don't you say
what's really pissing you off?
I've been waiting to talk to her...
- You want to sit down? Here you go. Gong!
- Thank you.
Excuse me.
Hi. Actually, you're not supposed to move.
I'm Alex Hitchens. No, it's okay. Go.
- I'm Casey.
- Hi, Casey.
I work for a small publishing house
in the press department...
which isn't actually where I want to be.
But it's a good house...
You handled me. You manipulated me.
You researched me and you showed me
my great-grandfather's signature.
Wait. You're Ellis Island?
- I thought that was real sweet.
- Thank you.
Case, you're not helping.
Excuse me, I'm on a date.
Does it ever occur to women
that maybe a guy might like to have a plan...
because he's nervous?
He's not sure that he could just
walk up to you and you'd respond if he said:
"I like you. "
- That sounds good to me.
- True, you can't tell them you like them.
- I tried that. It didn't go well.
- I've crashed and burned on that.
That is what you did, and I did like you!
I just didn't know I was being worked over
by some professional.
He doesn't have a badge.
The only time he was sincere
or spontaneous...
was when everything was going wrong
or when you were stoned out of your head.
- I'm sorry to interrupt. Do I know you?
- No, I don't think so.
- You wanna see me be spontaneous?
- Sure, you want a Benadryl?
This is really kind of distracting.
And I haven't gotten laid in a year!
We're sorry.
Why don't you guys get back to your date?
Or go somewhere.
Maybe from the bank?
If this doesn't work out, call him.
He might hook you up with Paris Hilton.
Wait, that's it. You're the Date Doctor, right?
- You're the Date Doctor?
- Do we have a problem here?
Yeah, a big one!
What the hell did I ever do to you?
Am I missing something?
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Why don't you go hit a titty bar
with your buddy Vance?
Wow.
I don't believe this.
That's your source?
You buried yourself, Alex.
Then you weren't listening.
I heard every word.
You're a scam artist.
- You trick women into getting...
- Into getting out of their own way...
so great guys like Albert Brennaman
have a fighting chance.
No, I want everybody
to take a good look at this right now.
Because this right here...
this is exactly why falling in love
is so goddamn hard.
Sir, let's go. Now.
And Vance Munson is a pig!
And I refused to work with him.
You need to get your facts right.
It's because of jerks like him
that I even have a job.
Had a job.
Can you believe that guy?
Actually, I do.
You...
complete me.
- I might just have...
- Shut up.
Just shut up.
You had me at "hello. "
No comment.
This is off the record.
I came to apologize.
I made some assumptions about you...
based on nothing, it turns out.
- I guess Casey's right. My best friend...
- Don't worry about it. We're straight.
I should've asked you.
But sometimes you're so guarded.
I just don't wanna be another reason
for you to...
I'm not someone who likes to get involved
past a certain point.
And that point was about a week ago.
Well, I just want to say I'm really sorry...
and I didn't mean to hurt you.
You didn't.
That's a relief.
- Hey, fella.
- Yeah, good. You?
What you got there?
This? I figured maybe if my heart
stops beating, it wouldn't hurt so much.
She hasn't called back?
You want some coffee?
I want you to fix it.
I got nothing, Albert.
You wanna do something?
We should get out tonight.
Honestly, I never knew I could feel like this.
I swear I'm going out of my mind.
I wanna throw myself off
of every building in New York.
I see a cab and I wanna dive in front of it,
because then I'll stop thinking about her.
Look, you will. Just give it time.
That's just it. I don't want to.
I've waited my whole life
to feel this miserable.
If this is the only way
I can stay connected with her...
then this is who I have to be.
No, you don't.
You can change, you can adapt.
You can make it
so you don't ever have to feel like this.
Ever again.
Oh, my God. You just don't get it, do you?
I get it.
Let me get this straight.
You're selling this stuff,
but you don't believe in your own product.
- Love is my life.
- No. Love is your job.
You wanna jump out a plane
without a chute, be my guest.
But forgive me if I don't join you.
This isn't about love for you at all, is it?
This whole time, I thought I was the coward.
- Where you going?
- Skydiving.
Taxi!
Mr. Hitchens.
Miss Cole,
thank you very much for seeing me.
You said it was a matter of life and death.
That man would've sold his soul
to make you happy.
So what does that make you, the devil?
My job is not to deceive, Miss Cole.
It's to create opportunities.
Like the boardroom.
- Would you have noticed him otherwise?
- Yes.
- Really?
- Eventually.
Maybe.
How did you know all that stuff about me?
Well, you really did your homework.
Like at boarding school when everyone
used to tease me because I couldn't whistle.
And having him dance like a buffoon
knowing that I can't dance, either.
Then telling him to drop mustard
on his shirt, so I'd feel less like a dork.
That was all you, right?
No. Hell, no.
That was him?
That's got Albert written all over it.
Did you put him up to the inhaler?
Stop it. He did not show you that.
He chucked it right before he kissed me.
So, wait...
that stuff worked for you?
It was adorable.
What did you do?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
That's good.
- This was your plan the whole time?
- Albert.
You sail off into the sunset with my girl?
You were like a brother to me!
- He came here for you.
- Who?
The guy you're choking.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I really love you.
- I love you more.
- I love you more. I really do.
I got somewhere I gotta go.
- Yeah, who is it?
- Hitch.
Can I talk to you?
What?
You almost hit me.
Look, I just wanted to stop by, basically.
See, this is the thing.
This is weird.
I don't have me behind the door, you know.
Close your mouth.
Because I knew at some point I'd be...
right here. But I thought that...
everything would come out, but it's like...
That's throwing me off.
- Can we close the door?
- What?
I'm sorry. Just, can we... I just need...
- Are you serious?
- No, just like this.
What do you want, Hitch?
You.
For a whole lot of reasons
that don't make any sense to me.
I mean, what, we've been on three dates?
See, that's what's crazy.
That's what's crazy, because I know.
I know deep...
like just down, just in this area...
that I just know...
that I want...
I want to be miserable.
Like, really miserable.
Because, hey...
if that's what it takes
for me to be happy then...
Wait, that didn't come out right.
What the hell is wrong with you?
- Nothing!
- No, not you.
I'm talking to me.
Alex Hitchens, Tom Reda.
I'll just put this in the car.
Maybe it's like what you said.
We should just both go our separate ways
and then we'll do just fine.
What if fine isn't good enough?
What if I want extraordinary?
No such thing.
I'm just as scared as you are, Sara.
But I'm right here, and our time is right now.
Well, what about before?
I am a guy. Since when
do we get anything right the first time?
I'm a realist,
and I know what love does to people.
- No, you don't.
- Keys.
There you go. Right here.
I don't know who this is, and I don't care.
What I do know is he'll never feel about you
the way that I do.
- You know how to drive a stick?
- Both of you, shut up!
- You okay?
- Yeah. No, I'm fine.
You'll never be fine, and neither will I!
Maybe I should drive.
Are you trying to get yourself killed?
If that's what it takes.
Sara, what happened?
- He jumped on the car.
- Why?
Because that's what people do.
They leap and hope to God they can fly.
Because otherwise...
we just drop like a rock...
wondering the whole way down:
"Why in the hell did I jump?"
But here I am, Sara, falling.
And there's only one person
that makes me feel like I can fly.
That's you.
So, you kind of like me?
No.
I love you.
I love you, and I knew it from the first...
If I say it back now, it'll sound so stupid.
This is the guy I was telling you about.
Hitch, that's my sister, Maria.
And that's her husband, Tom.
Her husband.
Where's your date?
Don't have one.
I know. Shocking, huh?
Oh, my God!
Are you all right?
Grandma, what happened?
This young lady just saved my life.
Ask her to dance.
Well, if you insist.
- I'm Casey.
- Charles Wellington.
- And this...
- Forget it. Just go.
Basic principles:
There are none.
No woman wakes up saying:
"God, I hope I don't get
swept off my feet today. "
Now, she might say,
"This is a really bad time for me. "
Or something like, "I just need some space. "
Or my personal favorite:
"I'm really into my career right now. "
You believe that? Neither does she.
You know why?
Because she's lying to you, that's why.
You understand me? Lying.
It's not a bad time for her.
She doesn't need any space.
She may be into her career...
but what she's really saying is,
"Get away from me now. "
Or possibly, "Try harder, stupid. "
Well, which one is it?
60% of all human communication
is nonverbal.
Body language.
30% is your tone.
So that means that
ain't coming out of your mouth.
Toby!
Shit!
Of course she'll lie to you.
She's a nice person,
she doesn't wanna hurt your feelings.
What else is she gonna say?
She doesn't even know you.
Yet.
Luckily, the fact is
that just like the rest of us...
even a beautiful woman doesn't know
what she wants until she sees it.
And that's where I come in.
My job is to open her eyes.
Oh, my God!
Is this what you're looking for?
Basic principles: No matter what,
no matter when, no matter who...
any man has a chance
to sweep any woman off her feet.
Just needs the right broom.
You cannot use what you do not have.
So if you're shy, be shy.
If you're outgoing, be outgoing.
- I'm not outgoing.
- That's okay.
She may not want the whole truth,
but she does want the real you.
She may not want to see it all at once,
but she does want to see it.
So tonight, when you're wondering what
to say, how you look, or if she likes you...
just remember, she is already out with you.
That means she said yes
when she could have said no.
That means she made a plan
when she could have just blown you off.
So that means it is no longer your job
to try to make her like you.
It is your job not to mess it up.
The shoes are hot.
You went to the place I told you?
Yeah, but I don't think they're really me.
"You" is a very fluid concept right now.
You bought the shoes.
You look great in the shoes.
That's the you I'm talking about.
The key tonight is hang back.
Give her plenty of space.
If she lingers at a photograph, move on.
But maintain the visual.
It's supposed to be 64 and clear tonight.
So when you leave the club, walk a little.
Ask her what she thought about the show...
what was her favorite photograph,
why that one.
And when she answers,
don't be looking at her mouth.
Don't be wondering
what she looks like naked.
Listen to what she is saying and respond.
Listen and respond.
That way, when it's your turn to talk...
you'll have something better to say than,
"I like your mouth. "
What was your favorite one?
The elephant, definitely.
And all of a sudden,
we're on date number two.
Ready.
No way.
We're going back in there.
You have to smile.
In case you didn't go to high school,
hitting is a good thing.
So how does it happen, great love?
Are you okay?
- Nobody knows.
- I'm good.
Let me get a Bomb Pop
and a Screwball for the lady.
But what I can tell you,
is that it happens in the blink of an eye.
One moment, you're enjoying your life.
And the next, you're wondering
how you ever lived without them.
Three dates is all I need.
Three dates, and I'll get you here,
to the high-stakes medal round...
where eight out of 10 women
believe that the first kiss...
will tell them everything they need to know
about the relationship.
After that, you're on your own.
But always remember...
life is not the amount of breaths you take.
It's the moments that take your breath away.
Did I call it or did I call it?
I mean, what did I say, six months?
And when was her first date?
So five-and-a-half?
God, I hate it when I'm right.
What is it about guys that makes them
want to screw anything that walks...
even when they're going out with
someone as awesome as Allegra Cole?
She's only the most fabulous thing
walking around New York.
Thanks, Young.
Are you kidding?
Of course I'm gonna run it.
Why should she waste her heart
on some Swedish aristo-brat?
Even if he is gorgeous.
If he's stupid enough to cheat...
the world should know
he's dumb enough to get caught.
Exactly. I'm in the elevator.
See you in a minute.
Good morning, how are you?
Bitter, party of one.
You should try it sometime.
Barbados by myself?
I wouldn't last five minutes.
It was just what the doctor ordered.
I slept in, I did my yoga,
I read a couple of books...
flirted with my scuba instructor.
- And apparently never left the office.
- I know, isn't that great?
You should've taken someone with you.
Who am I gonna take with me?
This is where a boyfriend comes in handy.
- I don't have time for a boyfriend.
- You said that two years ago.
Yes, and it's as true today as it was then.
I thought you were on vacation.
See if these are in focus
and have them in my desk in an hour.
Besides, relationships are for people
waiting for something better to come along.
Spoken like a true cynic.
I'm not a cynic. I'm a realist.
You are a realist masquerading as a cynic
who is secretly an optimist.
What are you doing here?
What is she doing here?
She works here, remember?
No, she doesn't. Not for another four days.
- This couldn't wait.
- It could.
What are you doing? Go back to the beach.
- I don't want you here.
- No, really, you do.
You are becoming
a sick, workaholic lunatic...
and this is exactly...
the kind of nervous, overwrought behavior
that leads to...
Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette.
A very big raise.
Jesus. You could find dirt in a snowstorm.
Comes with the job.
You know, kiddo, there is more to life
than watching other people live it.
Can I help he was cheating on my beach?
I think it's great
that you're so good at your job.
I'm just a little worried as to why.
Let me worry about that.
Okay. I want that column on my desk
by lunch.
So you'll pay for my hotel?
For you to sip mai tais?
I don't think so. Get out.
- Come on.
- What?
- That's good, right?
- No.
No, it was in and it freaked out.
You know what your problem is, Hitch?
You're all about the short game.
You pick your shots
based on what you see first...
not what's necessarily best for you...
in the long run.
All of us are not married to the woman
of our dreams and about to have a baby.
You know, I'm very happy for you.
Just not meant for everybody.
So please just leave me to my hot, sweaty...
totally varied, wildly experimental
short game.
- I was talking about pool, but whatever.
- Yeah, okay.
Honestly, I just hope one day
you're able to experience...
the unconditional love, trust,
and openness...
that I share with Grace every single day.
- Is this really barroom talk?
- You need to listen to me. I'm serious.
Because when you get to a place
with a woman like that...
it's so beyond anything physical that...
when I think back to
when I used to run around with you...
and chase all these really gorgeous
but shallow women...
I don't know, it's kind of ridiculous
and vaguely pathetic.
Yeah, I see what you mean. That's pathetic.
So, how'd you meet him?
I was in La Perla
just buying some weekend thongs.
- And he was doing likewise?
- No.
Actually, he said he was buying something
for his mom.
His mom?
Casey, who buys high-priced lingerie
for their mother?
Well, maybe he was looking for a robe.
Casey, he was hitting on you while
he was buying lingerie for another woman.
- I prefer the mother story.
- I know you do, but that's not the point.
No, the point is I'm not gonna start out
assuming the guy's a liar.
- Why not?
- Because that's how you wind up...
Like me? Is that what you were gonna say?
No. I was gonna say, "Like you. "
- What's his name?
- Why?
- I'm gonna Google him.
- No. Google your own guy.
Let's just see if his mother's still alive.
- So when is Grace due again?
- Soon.
- You excited?
- What'd you say?
Do you want me to go get them
and bring them over here?
No, don't do that.
Are you saying you don't wanna talk to them
because you can't go home with them?
I'm just trying to keep my head above water.
- Have you heard of the Date Doctor?
- Urban myth.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
I was hoping he also helped women.
Casey, you're not sick. You're single.
You just have to relax and enjoy the ride.
I haven't been ridden in months.
On that happy note, I'm gonna go see
if anybody interesting came in tonight.
- You mean, besides me.
- Right.
Bye.
I'll go get those girls,
bring them over here...
and we'll have a conversation
like human beings.
Then you're gonna home,
and I'll take them back to my apartment.
Well, that sounds like fun for me.
But you might want to get in line, pal.
- Hey, girl.
- Hey, how are you?
Hey, baby, can I get a couple Coronas
at the pool table, please? Thanks.
Excuse me.
Lime wedges in the bottle's fine.
Hey, asshole, I don't work here.
I'm sorry. The paramedics will have to come
to get my foot out of my mouth, sweetheart.
Just don't let it happen again.
- I knew you didn't work here.
- You did?
How else was I supposed to get you away
from all those guys?
Why would you want to do that?
Some guys naturally develop a comfort
with the opposite sex.
They like women, women like them.
Everything flows naturally.
Back in college, I was just not one of them.
I seemed to lack the basic understanding...
that my peers just intuitively grasped.
But like any late bloomer,
I was eager to make up for lost time.
Her name was Cressida Baylor.
Can you tell me
where the registration building is?
And my life would never be the same.
- I'm Alex.
- Cressida.
What we had was beautiful.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I love you, too, Alex.
I know you don't love me
as much as I love you.
But that's okay.
I'm just glad you love me at all.
In retrospect,
I guess I may have come on a little strong.
But the experience taught me a lot.
Cressida!
What are you doing?
I'm sorry, Alex.
But I love you. What did I do wrong?
Just tell me what I did wrong.
You're doing it right now.
Alex, I'm sorry.
And it's an education
I feel obliged to pass on to my fellow men.
Because with no guile and no game,
there's no girl.
If ever a man born was without game...
it was Albert Brennaman.
My business is 100% referral
and, thus far, untraceable.
And if there's one thing I've learned...
when you orchestrate, coordinate,
and otherwise mess with fate...
it's best to fly under the radar.
I hope she's single
'cause I don't do break-ups.
Hi. Thank you for seeing me.
Yeah, no.
I mean, she just got out of a relationship.
Is that a problem?
Because if it is, that's fine.
I'm a little uncomfortable with this anyway.
Definitely been hurt a lot.
I had a lot of bad experiences.
Some good ones.
But definitely a lot of bad ones.
I'm desperate, basically.
I mean, not in general, you understand?
You know, not just for anybody.
But, man, for her... Yeah.
Why don't you tell me about her?
Let's see, what can I say?
My company handles her finances.
I'm her tax consultant.
Well, I'm one of them.
I'm the junior man on the account.
- So does she know you're interested?
- No.
Alive?
I lent her my pen once.
Shoot. Does anyone have a pen?
- Here, take mine.
- Albert, you're crushing my arm.
Sorry about that. Here you go, Allegra.
Allegra? As in Allegra Cole?
Yeah, I realize that I'm not her usual type.
Well, her last boyfriend owned Sweden
or something.
And that guy was a bum.
He didn't seem like
a very nice person to me.
You swing for the fence.
Look, you don't think I tried
talking myself out of this?
I mean, you don't think I know
how ridiculous this is? I know, okay?
I just thought that maybe with your help...
You know what?
I'm really sorry I wasted your time.
Hold on a second, Albert.
You know what it's like
getting up every morning feeling hopeless?
Feeling like the love of your life
is waking up with the wrong man?
But at the same time,
hoping that she still finds happiness...
even if it's never gonna be with you?
You are flat-out...
out of your mind. You know that?
That's good.
It is?
You ever heard of Michelangelo?
Heard of the Sistine Chapel?
Michelangelo.
Sistine Chapel.
You saying you can do this?
My name is Alex Hitchens.
Let's go paint that ceiling.
Take it easy.
Oh, my God!
Well, it looks like I'm still rich.
But what I would really like,
and what I was wondering is...
if I could have $500,000
to invest on my own.
And what were you thinking
of investing in, Allegra?
Well, it's something
that I really have a passion for.
Daydreams are for private time.
When you're in the room, be in the room.
Concentrate. Focus.
Women respond when you respond to them.
My friend Maggie is a talented designer.
I've seen the business plan
and the samples look fantastic.
And I would really like to get involved.
I'll tell you what.
Let us come up with a range of investments
that we think you might be interested in...
and next month,
we'll run the whole lot of them by you.
Okay.
Fine. Thank you. All right, gentlemen.
Let's go over this one more time.
What is the objective?
Shock and awe.
That was shockingly awful.
What is the objective?
Shock and awe.
What is the objective?
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes, Albert?
I don't really agree with that.
You don't really agree with what?
I think if you want to invest $500,000
in your friend's business...
that's exactly what you should do.
You don't need us to tell you what to do.
We're a board of advisers,
not your kindergarten teachers.
If you want to be taken seriously
as an adult...
then start taking yourself seriously
as an adult...
instead of asking for permission
to invest your own money...
from a boardroom
full of your daddy's golf buddies.
- That's quite enough!
- I'm not finished.
I'd like to see anybody in this room
handle the attention and publicity...
that she's had to deal with her whole life,
with half her class.
We should be taking advice from you,
Miss Cole. Not the other way around.
- Sit down...
- No! You know what? I quit!
Oh, my God.
Just breathe. How'd it go?
I yelled at her. I screamed at my boss!
I quit my job!
- What?
- You said...
- I gotta go back.
- No, I didn't tell you to quit.
Relax. Okay, listen, we're fine.
- Would you let me go?
- Albert, no!
Just relax! Okay?
- Just let it marinate for a second. Trust me.
- No!
Relax.
- It's Allegra Cole.
- Answer it.
- Could I speak to you a second?
- Answer the door, Albert.
Yes. Hi.
What's up?
Listen, Albert, right?
- People don't usually talk to me like that.
- Close your mouth, man.
Let me rephrase that.
People never talk to me like that.
Stand up.
I guess it's kind of scary for them.
But that's why I really appreciate
what you did in there.
But I was wondering...
do you think that you and I could
get together sometime this week?
You know, to go over things.
Financial things.
I'd like to see the areas
where I can afford to take some risks.
- Check your schedule.
- I'll check my schedule.
Great. Let me give you my number.
Do you have a pen?
I don't think I have one.
- Yes, I do.
- Great.
And call me Allegra.
- You're done.
- Goodbye.
Good job.
Oh, damn.
She's some kind of newspaper columnist.
Comes in here once in a while. Great tipper.
What's her drink?
Usually beer.
Tonight, Grey Goose martini, dirty.
Hi.
I noticed your glass was getting low...
so I took the liberty
of bringing you another apple martini.
Thank you.
And I couldn't help but notice
you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
- What's your name?
- They call me Chip.
You can't get them to stop?
That was funny.
Listen, I understand the courage it takes
to walk across a room...
and try to generate a relationship
out of thin air.
- So don't take the following personally.
- You have fantastic eyes.
Thanks. Try to listen.
This is no reflection on you.
I'm just not interested.
But thank you for the compliment
of coming over.
You're welcome.
So do you like Cuban food?
Chip, seriously, that was not code for,
"I wish you'd try harder. "
Are you always so shut-down and afraid
that the right man might make you...
Feel like a natural woman?
Sorry I'm late, honey.
I couldn't get a cab. How was the meeting?
Well, there was a beginning,
a middle, and an end.
Nice to meet you, Chip.
You, too.
On the one hand,
it is very difficult for a man...
to even speak to someone
who looks like you.
But on the other hand,
should that be your problem?
So life's kind of hard all around.
Not if you pay attention.
You're sending all the right signals:
No earrings, heels under two inches,
your hair is pulled back...
wearing reading glasses with no book,
drinking a Grey Goose martini...
which means you had a hell of a week
and a beer just wouldn't do it.
If that wasn't clear enough...
there's always the "fuck off"
that you have stamped on your forehead.
Who'd believe there's a man out there
that can sit by a woman he doesn't know...
and genuinely be interested in who she is,
what she does, without his own agenda?
I wouldn't even know
what that would look like.
So what would a guy like that say?
He'd say, "My name is Alex Hitchens
and I'm a consultant. "
But she wouldn't be interested in that...
because she'd be counting the seconds
until he left.
Thinking he was like every other guy.
Which, life experience has taught her,
is a virtual certainty.
But then he'd ask her name
and what she did for a living...
and she might blow him off.
Or she might say...
I'm Sara Melas.
I run the gossip column at the Standard.
And then he'd ask
all these penetrating questions about her...
because he was sincerely,
if atypically, interested.
No.
- No?
- He'd be interested.
But he'd see that there was no way...
he could possibly make her realize
that he was for real.
Well, he could be funny and charming
and refreshingly original.
Wouldn't help.
- Don't you hate it when that happens?
- Not really.
They'd both probably go on
to lead the lives they were headed toward.
My guess is they'd do just fine.
It's a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas.
Grey Goose martini
from the gentleman who just left.
Is that for me?
What?
Vance Munson. Sorry I'm late.
No, not a problem.
Wow, you're the...
- Can I get you something to drink, Mr...
- No, I'm fine, thank you.
So, tell me about her.
Have you ever met someone...
and you knew right away
she was gonna be important to you?
Not just because of her looks,
but that X factor.
How'd you meet her?
Actually, I was in a shop
buying pajamas for my mom.
And by that, of course, you mean...
you were buying lingerie
for another woman.
Yes. You can't help
where you meet somebody.
And the lingerie is for a woman
I'm no longer seeing.
But anyway, the girl I met,
the one I was talking about...
she's so sweet, funny, Southern.
She gives me her number.
Now she won't return my phone calls.
I don't know what it is about her.
I just can't get her out of my mind.
You know, food has lost its taste.
Colors, they seem dull.
Things that used to matter...
I don't know, they just no longer do.
I think things aren't gonna snap back
unless I...
Unless I bang her.
Excuse me?
You know, bang her. Clear my head.
Get in, get off, get out.
I think you may have misunderstood
what I do exactly.
No, I was told you help guys get in there.
Right. But, see, here's the thing.
My clients actually like women.
Hit it and quit it is not my thing.
Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi.
I need professional help.
Well, that is for damn certain.
And I'm glad you can admit it
because generally that's the hardest part.
You see what I'm doing?
This is what I'm about.
Power suit, power tie, power steering.
People can wince, cry, beg,
but eventually they do what I want.
So that's, like, a metaphor.
Well, I'm more of a literal kind of guy.
So when I do this...
this is more like me saying
that I will literally break your shit off...
if you ever touch me again. Okay, pumpkin?
Got it.
No.
Pablo, I can't just mention your restaurant.
Somebody has to eat there.
No, somebody famous. You know that.
- Sara Melas?
- No.
Okay. Bye.
I need your signature.
I hate it when a guy calls a girl
who did not give him her number.
So this is me not calling. Over.
Yes, you're right.
This is much less invasive.
I've been thinking about
that sign on your forehead.
And I was wondering if you'd mind
taking it down for dinner Friday night. Over.
I can't. I have a couple of parties
I have to hit.
Gossip never sleeps.
Not till about 4:00 a. m.
Saturday.
I have a date.
Do you know the definition
of "perseverance," Miss Melas?
An excuse to be obnoxious?
Continuing in a course of action...
without regard to discouragement,
opposition or previous failure. Over.
Okay, Webster, how do I get rid of you?
Breakfast, Sunday.
And you can barely even call that a date.
You do that with out-of-town relatives
that you don't even like. Over.
Come on.
Okay, I guess I could do Sunday.
You forgot to say "over. " Over.
This conversation's over
as soon as you tell me when and where.
I don't do 7:00 a. m.
- Hello?
- Sign here.
- What?
- You said Sunday, right?
Yeah.
What if I would have said Friday?
Sunday.
So I guess you're not going to church.
Do you really expect me to wear this?
Itll be awful cold out there without it.
- Good morning.
- "Good" would have been at 10:00.
You're a lot taller than I remember.
You ever ride one of these?
Not on the Hudson.
So, what do you wanna do?
Race me around the Statue of Liberty?
If there's time.
- But you might need these.
- All right.
- Bam.
- Wow.
How do I look?
Fabulous.
All right, I give.
Where do I change?
So we'll go past the wall, then take a left.
It's pretty much a straight shot from there.
- Straight shot to where?
- That's for me to know and you to find out.
What you do with these babies is...
Yeah, what I do with this baby
is kick your ass.
- What happened? You change your mind?
- It just died.
Did you put gas in it?
No. You know, I think it must have
sucked up a diaper or something.
Gross. Try it again.
You want me to call AAA?
Come on around
and let me hop on with you.
I don't know. What if you break mine, too?
Then we'll both be sitting ducks.
- I didn't break it. It just died.
- Yeah, yeah.
All right, hop on.
- Scoot back.
- Hitch, I'm already here.
But you don't know where we're going.
Why don't you tell me?
Then we'll both know.
Man, male egos.
I don't know how you guys
make it through the day with them.
What? It is not my ego.
I just don't want to ruin the surprise.
I'm sorry. Are you all right?
There. I always keep a few of those around.
Thank you.
I have lower back trouble.
I just shove the ice packs right down there.
No. That's a fresh one.
So, Ellis Island.
I have to admit, I have lived in New York
my whole life and I've never been here.
I figured that. Most people haven't.
So I got my man Larry here
to set us up a private tour.
- Great!
- Anything for Hitch.
It was originally known as Oyster Island.
The island was expanded
to its present size...
with dirt removed during the construction
of the New York subway system.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
- Did you know this?
- Yeah. That's why I brought you here.
In fact, over 100 million Americans
can trace their ancestry...
back to a single man, woman, or child
on the ship's manifest...
to an inspector's ledger.
By 1910, 75% of the residents of New York...
Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, and Boston...
were immigrants,
or the children of immigrants.
They generally lived
in the poorest sections of the cities...
in Little Italys, Chinatowns
and other ethnic enclaves.
It's called The Kissing Post.
The plaque explains how different cultures
kiss after long absences.
Now, what exactly would qualify
as a long absence?
I mean...
- That count?
- No.
I actually had a relative come through here.
- Really?
- Yeah.
What?
- What?
- What was that thing?
No. You know, I was just thinking...
you can't really know where you're going
until you know where you've been.
- Ain't that right, Larry?
- Amen, brother.
That's kind of deep for a first date,
don't you think?
What is that?
Oh, my God!
That's my great-great-grandfather.
That's his signature.
Jesus, it's right here!
How did you know?
Hitch did the search. I just found the page.
I'm sorry.
I saw that going differently in my mind.
So my family never saw him again.
Well, except for on the Wanted posters.
Look, I'm really sorry.
When I saw it on the computer,
it said, "the Butcher of Cdiz. "
I thought it was a profession,
not a headline.
It's just one of those horrible family legacies
we've all tried to forget.
But thank you.
No, it was...
- A train wreck.
- No.
Let me get you a cab.
Thanks.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Taxi!
Poor guy.
Sounds like he went to a lot of trouble.
It was fun. In a disastrous kind of way.
I mean, this isn't exactly a hickey.
At least you got a good story
out of it, right?
Right?
- You should try mine, it's great.
- Wait. You're seeing him again?
Well, look, you said that
I'm always expecting men...
to let me down, right?
Assuming that they're gonna fail?
Which he did.
Yeah, but he did it with flair.
I mean, Case, he really tanked.
And that's a desirable trait?
Yeah. Weird, huh?
Now, just keep it simple.
Just like we practiced.
We're just leaving a message.
Women like Allegra Cole
don't pick up numbers they don't recognize.
Hello?
She's on the phone!
- Yes. Hello, Miss Cole?
- Yeah.
Hi, I have Albert Brennaman for you.
- One moment, please.
- No. Tell her I'm at lunch.
We called her to tell her you're at lunch?
Allegra. Hi, it's Albert Brennaman.
Hi, how are you?
Good. I'm doing good.
The reason I'm calling
is about our appointment this Wednesday.
Not gonna be able to make it.
Well, when can you make it?
When can I do it?
I don't even know,
because my whole next week is slammed.
Right. But it's all good.
No, we're gonna make it happen though,
that's for sure.
We're going to make it happen. Yes.
What's going on over there?
Just moving some things around.
Sky Studios.
Tonight I'm actually going
to this fashion thing at Sky Studios.
Designer friend.
I just thought it might be something
your designer friend would be interested in.
Yeah, definitely.
Well, great.
Then I will put you back on with my...
- Allegra, over here, please.
- Miss Cole, this way.
Great. One more.
- Hi, there.
- This was a fantastic idea.
I suppose. Hey, where's Maggie?
Late as usual.
Tonight I want you to meditate
on the image of an iceberg.
Do you know why I want you to do that?
Because I'm cool?
- No.
- I know, I'm not.
I'm saying that you are an iceberg...
in that over 90% of your mass
is below the surface.
I know I'm heavy. I am.
I'm talking about who you are.
It's a metaphor.
Accounting, business...
all of that is just a small part
of a much deeper, richer Albert.
One more.
It's gonna be loud in there...
so this is our opportunity
to break the touch barrier...
in a non-sleazy way.
So get to where it's loudest.
Ask her if she'd like a drink.
Lean in, place your hand
on the small of her back...
and say it in her ear like a secret.
Watch your hand placement.
Too high says, "I just wanna be friends. "
Too low says, "I just wanna grab some ass. "
Friends. Ass. Me.
Special issues: Allegra Cole is a celebrity...
which means that when people talk to her,
they'll ignore you completely.
She's classy, so she'll introduce you.
When she does, shake hands hard
and speak up. Let them know you're there.
Show her you can handle being her escort.
- Egon, this is Albert.
- How you doing?
- Albert, this is Zak.
- Nice to see you.
These guys are friends with Maggie.
- Been to that new Brazilian restaurant?
- No, but I am...
It's disgusting.
I'm writing an article about it.
Did you see the new installation at MOMA?
- Yes, did you think...
- Disgusting.
Women can always tell
when you're not being real with them.
Worst thing you can do is try to fake it,
because you are a great guy.
And you do have something
to offer Allegra that no other man does.
What was your name? Eggnog?
Egon.
What do you think of the design of the Jets'
new football stadium on the West Side?
Let me guess. Disgusting?
Think it over. We'll be back.
Thank you. I can't stand those guys.
Really? I kind of liked them.
But when all is said and done...
tonight is not about Allegra.
- It's not?
- No. Tonight is about Maggie.
A woman's best friend has to sign off
on all big relationship decisions.
So you can't afford to mess this up.
Albert, I want you to meet
my friend, Maggie.
Hi, Maggie.
It's an absolute pleasure to meet you.
I'm Maggie.
- No, you're not.
- Actually, I am.
Magnus Forester.
Thank you so much for inviting us.
- You have very soft hands.
- Thank you.
- Wow. So do you.
- Thank you.
So tonight, you focus on one thing
and one thing only.
Maggie.
- Where does your inspiration come from?
- Oh, my God.
Anything I see.
Something in a magazine,
out on the street...
in an old movie.
The receptive nature of the creative facility
just astounds me.
Anybody want any spring rolls?
That's a beautiful tie, by the way.
This whole thing, it just works.
Thank you.
- Is he gay?
- I don't think so.
I like him.
About the deejay.
Generally, I have a firm no-dancing policy.
But if she asks, you cannot say no.
I'm not worried about dancing.
But if there are people there...
I'm sorry, I hate to be a stickler,
but I need to be thorough.
Show me what you mean
by you're not worried about it.
Trust me. You know what I'm gonna do.
That's what it's all about, right there.
See how it gets bigger?
Now I'm gonna start the fire.
But the feet are going.
I start the fire, I make the pizza.
Hips are always going.
Can't get enough hip.
From there, the Q-Tip.
Q-Tip. Throw it away.
That's not working, hit them with this.
Don't ever...
do that again.
Do you hear me?
- Just expressing myself.
- No.
Not like that, you're not, all right?
This is where you live.
Right here.
You live right here, okay? This is home.
None of this.
I don't wanna see none of that.
Don't need no pizza. They got food there.
Elbows, 6 inches from the waist,
Don't you bite your lip. Stop it.
Women relate dancing to sex, all right?
Even a great dancer can lose it
with one of these.
Okay, now that's what I need to be learning.
Can't stop it.
You cannot stop it.
Next subject.
Get out.
Thanks.
So, are you a Knicks fan?
When they're good.
- I'm really sorry.
- Oh, God. Why?
- She was there?
- I left you a bunch of messages.
My phone fell in the Hudson.
Yeah, well, it gets worse.
I don't believe this.
- I thought he was a bodyguard.
- I'm the only one who will need protection.
- Max is gonna...
- Gonna be really irritated.
When I got the train this morning,
I thought it was gonna be a good day.
Who the hell is Albert Brennaman?
- Tell me how this happened.
- What? There were some photographers.
Does this even look like dancing to you?
That's just a little bit of me being me.
No, that's you being a lot of something
you don't need to ever be again.
- It's just one dance.
- No.
One dance, one look, one kiss.
That's all we get, Albert.
Just one shot to make the difference...
between happily ever after and:
"Oh, he's just some guy
I went to some thing with once. "
All right?
- What?
- You said "kiss. "
Is that a problem?
It's not a problem, but this is Allegra Cole.
Eight out of 10 women believe
that the first kiss...
will tell them everything they need to know
about a relationship.
And believe me,
she has definitely thought about it.
- She has?
- Of course.
Not that she's gonna act on it.
So it's no real big deal.
- All right, it's no big deal then.
- It's a very big deal!
- Huge.
- Monumental!
You are not listening...
I need you to wrap your head around this.
Tomorrow night, Allegra Cole...
could have her last first kiss.
All right, come on,
just show me what you got.
- What do you mean?
- Just show me how you would kiss me.
I wouldn't kiss you.
I'm not me, I'm Allegra.
But you're really not, so...
Okay, Albert, end of the night,
you're dropping me off at home.
- Show me the magic.
- I'm not comfortable with this.
God, Albert,
I had such a wonderful time with you.
Yeah, how about those Knicks?
You see what I'm doing?
This is a signal. I'm fiddling with my keys.
A woman that doesn't want a kiss...
takes her keys out, puts them in the door,
goes in the house.
A woman that wants to kiss, she fiddles.
I'm fiddling.
Okay, you have a good night now...
- You see what I'm doing?
- Robbing me?
No.
This is what most guys do.
They rush in to take the kiss.
But you're not most guys.
See, the secret to a kiss
is to go 90% of the way...
and then hold.
- For how long?
- As long as it takes...
for her to come the other 10%.
Okay, 90%-10%. Got it.
Okay, come on. Shake it off. It's your turn.
I had a really nice time tonight, Albert.
I had a great time tonight, too, Allegra...
with a beard.
What's up?
- I'm not feeling it.
- What do you mean? I came 90%.
I'm not feeling like you want it.
Look, I'm Allegra Cole,
the woman of your dreams.
The woman whose green eyes
are limpid pools of desire.
Now, show me the magic, Albert.
- What the hell was that?
- I'm showing you the magic!
No, I said come 90% and then I come 10%!
You don't go the whole 100%!
My mouth was open, Albert.
You overeager son of a...
Other than that, how was it?
They came together, they danced together,
and they left together.
He's cute, in a sheepdog kind of way.
For all I know, he's adorable.
But him dating her is...
You seem stressed.
You and I had an understanding.
If you invite Allegra,
you're supposed to call me.
I didn't invite her.
Honestly, sweetie,
I thought she was still in Europe.
- So you invited Albert?
- No.
Look, it says here the tickets
went to some guy named Alex Hitchens.
What?
Machine.
Hi, it's Sara.
I just wanted to say thank you...
for an unforgettable experience...
the other day.
And if you ever want to see
your shirt again...
you can come by
the Fulton Fish Market tonight, around 8:00.
Okay, bye.
- Do you think he'll show?
- Yeah.
He's too much of a player
to have a bad date on his record.
Is this a source or a date?
A source.
Well, it sounded like a date.
Well, it was supposed to.
So it looks like a date
and it sounds like a date...
- but it's not a date.
- Yeah. Right.
Just checking.
Hi. I wasn't sure you got my message.
I wasn't sure you called the right guy.
You must be a glutton for punishment.
Either that or I really wanna pay you back.
I think this is yours.
Thank you.
I'm gonna frame this for my wall of shame.
Really? There's a whole wall?
So what are we getting into?
Ever been to a food rave before?
Happens once a month, all around the city.
Different chefs, different venues.
You any good in the kitchen?
I can stand the heat,
if that's what you mean.
Good. Because that's my boss
and his wife right over there.
Interesting.
Well, here's a concept:
We're paying to cook our own food.
Here's another concept:
Shut up. It's an evening out.
The longer you're married,
the less you go out.
In a couple of years, we're gonna end up
bricked into our apartment like a Poe story.
So, Louise, are you
in the newspaper business, also?
No, I'm a psychiatrist.
Well, that's the last thing
I'm gonna say tonight.
So, Sara, you never told me.
How was the Sky Studio fashion thing
you went to the other night?
Did you meet anyone worth mentioning?
No.
Really? I find that very odd.
- Max.
- I think you're being odd.
Well, I'm always odd.
It's why you married me.
And it's why I married you.
Speaking of which, Hitch...
what exactly are your intentions
for the lovely Sara?
Wait, you know what?
Actually, there was someone.
I think I met your friends Albert and Allegra.
- My friends who and who?
- Allegra Cole?
Really? How do you know her?
- I don't.
- So you know Albert?
- Knew.
- He had your tickets.
I mean, how well do you really
know your accountant?
April 15, and then you don't see him again
till April 15.
Ladies and gentlemen...
a coquille St. Jacques
with a lemon butter reduction.
- Compliments of our chef.
- Thank you.
I'm sure you're really gonna enjoy this.
That's really good.
I'm very impressed.
Why is that?
Around these two, people usually can't wait
to name-drop and dish their friends...
and you're being all discreet.
Yeah, it's quite endearing.
Actually, it is.
So why don't we change the subject?
- Are you all right?
- Yeah. No, I'm fine.
So Sara tells me
that you're a consultant, Hitch.
Yeah, mostly marketing, little advertising,
brand management.
I have no idea what that means.
No one does.
That's why I get to charge so much.
Are you sure you're all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Is it itchy in here or is it just me?
- I know what's happening.
- No.
You think that I'm in a stressful state...
because I'm trying to make
a good impression...
while also dealing
with my commitment issues...
trying to avoid
all these awkward conversations.
No, I think you have food allergies.
- Wow.
- What?
- Benadryl. Where's the Benadryl?
- Aisle 2.
- Which one's Aisle 2?
- The one with the big 2 over it.
Sara, I'm fine.
- You sure it's in Aisle 2?
- No.
Really, it is not that serious.
Benadryl.
- A lot of Benadryl. A lot.
- What? Are you...
Coquille St. Jacques. Death on a leaf!
Come on!
Okay, we're doing fine.
Just a couple more blocks
and you get to lie down.
Wait, who sings that song again?
Oh, girl. Earth, Wind & Fire.
You should let them sing it.
I bet this would be great on the rocks.
It's good, right?
I bet I can ask you
just about anything right now.
No.
I'm a vault, baby. Locked down.
What is an heiress doing with a CPA?
They're going to the Knicks game.
Yep, Fort Knox.
He loves her so much!
I'm sure he does.
I'm telling you, people search
their whole lives trying to find the...
Reasons that we're here
I wouldn't know.
You would if you saw it.
Sometimes it's really hard
to see the forest through the sleaze.
What about you? You ever been in love?
Yep.
But you're never gonna know that.
Okay, I think you've had enough
of the juice box.
Let's go.
This is some place.
You live here alone?
Yeah. I actually prefer it that way.
What about you?
I haven't had a roommate since college,
and he upped and married my sister.
- Really?
- Yeah, they're gonna have a baby soon.
Uncle Hitch.
Thank you.
- So, how do you feel?
- Good.
Relaxed.
So what about you? Any siblings?
Sister. Maria. Lives in D.C.
Younger, right?
I could hear it in your voice.
Sort of an innate protective thing.
Yeah, I guess.
What?
She almost died once.
I was 10.
We were skating on the pond
behind our house...
and she fell through the ice.
My dad pulled her out.
Gave her mouth-to-mouth.
Longest three minutes of my life.
Yeah, I'm sure.
I don't think I've ever really gotten over it.
Kind of defines you, doesn't it?
You know like,
one moment you're gliding along...
the next moment you're standing in the rain
watching your life fall apart.
Except it was snow.
Yeah. That's what I said, "snow. "
You said "rain. "
Some kind of precipitation.
Is that what happened to you?
Nothing as dramatic
as falling through the ice.
You know...
it definitely...
Left a scar?
Yeah.
I guess it's best just not to love at all, right?
Or skate.
Are you here?
Sara, you're such an idiot! You moron!
What the hell did you think?
You're so stupid! You gotta learn, Sara.
- When are you gonna learn...
- Should I come back later?
Hi. I thought you left.
Well, I did,
but then I came back with breakfast.
I figured it was the least that I could do.
I didn't know what you were drinking...
so I got a grande cap, a latte,
an Earl Grey tea...
and something with "chai" in the title.
Tea for me.
Tea. Yes! I was hoping you'd say that.
Oh, God.
You're a morning person, aren't you?
Well, like I always tell my clients:
Begin each day as if it were on purpose.
- Wow. Beautiful day.
- Yeah.
- Beautiful girl.
- Thank you.
Well, I'm this way.
I'm that way.
Give me a ring sometime.
I mean, on the phone.
No, I definitely will.
Good.
I gotta go to work.
Bye.
Goodbye.
Can you believe what a beautiful day it is...
not?
- What's wrong, pumpkin?
- I'm so stupid.
I ignored your advice. I went on that date.
With who?
Not the lingerie guy.
Vance Munson. And you're right,
there's no way he ever had a mother.
That bad?
He took me to Scalinatella,
and he was affectionate and sweet.
He told me all these intimate things,
like how he can't taste food...
and he wants three kids.
So you slept with him.
I never seen anybody get dressed that fast.
Case, I'm so sorry.
- Maybe I'll just die alone after all.
- No, you won't.
You'll meet a great guy with a great smile
and you'll travel the world together.
Who are you? Where's my best friend?
It's true. He just hasn't found you yet.
But he will.
Just as he's leaving, guess what he says:
"Date Doctor, my ass. "
- What does that mean?
- It means he's really out there.
And if I ever meet him, the only date
he's gonna need is with a real doctor.
That's him.
Vance, is that you?
Yeah, hey there, beautiful.
Sara Melas, from the Standard.
I'd like to discuss
the dating consultant you hired...
before you went out with Casey Sedgewick.
You don't wanna talk, that's fine.
I'm going to write this anyway.
You just earned yourself a photo
with a boldface caption.
What? Nice.
I can only imagine how the trading
floor guys will react when they see this.
You have no proof, no facts.
Vance, I'm a gossip columnist, not the DA.
Okay, how much will it cost me
to stay out of this?
I don't want money. I want a name.
- I don't know his name.
- Well, what do you know?
I know this.
All this for a lousy lay.
Are we satisfied?
Almost.
No, you... You got to be...
Is this really necessary?
Have you seen your back?
No, but I see my front and maybe
we should be starting with some sit-ups.
God! Mother of Troy!
Hello?
That's crazy.
Just hearing your voice makes me smile.
How are you?
I'm good, I think.
No, actually, you know what?
I feel a little strange.
I'm good.
Sweet Georgia Brown!
What was that?
No, that's just some guy screaming.
Listen, is there any context...
under which you'd consider facial edema
and pharmaceutical intervention a date?
Probably not.
How about a do-over?
- What do you have in mind?
- Dinner, my place.
Because obviously going anywhere public
with you is out of the question.
God! That's it. I don't like you very much.
What is that?
Wait, I'm getting up.
It's like one of those makeover shows.
- That's a makeover show?
- It's Danish.
Almost done!
Friday?
Can't. I told a friend I'd go speed dating.
You know, for moral support.
But tomorrow I'm free.
Great. All right, 8:00?
Great.
- All right. Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- See, it wasn't so bad, was it?
- God!
Ball is back in play
after a 20-second timeout.
Knicks lead the Grizzlies, 12-6,
here early in the first quarter.
- So this is what this feels like?
- "This" being?
Great seats, great game.
Great date.
I mean, sort of.
To me, it feels like a...
- Date?
- Yeah.
Look at her. She looks so happy.
How does a guy like that end up
with a girl like her?
I am so jealous.
I've always wanted to be able to do that.
Really? Tonight is your lucky night.
Let's see what you got.
Okay. You ready?
- Oh, God. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Knicks off to a great start...
All right, here's how it works.
Central Park Zoo, tomorrow, noon,
by the sea lions.
No, don't worry. I'll find you.
All right. Thank you.
It's all right. I'm sorry.
Damn me.
That was it! You got it. Do it again.
Look how cute they are.
Thanks.
I had a great time tonight, Albert.
I had a great time, too, Allegra.
Good night.
Good night, Albert.
- Allegra.
- Yes?
Hold on.
I like your lips.
They seem to like you, too.
Good night.
Good night.
- Anything?
- Not yet.
But I got some great shots
of you biting your nails.
Well, it's a big story.
- Incoming.
- Really?
Yep. They're shaking hands.
This is so great. I can't wait to nail this guy.
Make sure you get a good shot of his face.
- What's he look like?
- Tall, dark, and handsome.
Basic principles:
No matter what, no matter who,
no matter when.
This is killing me.
Geoff is managing to play it straight.
How long have you been in love with her?
Her? About two-and-a-half years.
Take a look.
- How'd you get my card?
- Albert Brennaman.
- Great guy, isn't he?
- Excellent guy.
What? Sara.
- Pleasure to meet you, Geoff.
- Hey, what...
- How'd you get my card?
- Albert Brennaman.
- Great guy, isn't he?
- Excellent guy.
You sure you want to do this?
Why wouldn't I?
Louise made an interesting observation
on the way home the other night.
She said people who are guarded
are afraid...
that you can see right through them.
That's why they hide behind
layers of secrecy or humor.
He'll have to hide behind a lot more
than that once this hits the fan.
She meant you.
What do you want me to say?
That I like the guy?
Yeah, sure, I liked the guy.
Well, here's his shirt.
- Why don't you think about it? Call me.
- Thanks.
Papi, Sara Melas is here to see you.
Thanks a lot, Raoul. Send her up.
And stop calling me papi.
Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes.
I believe this belongs to you.
Yeah, this thing is like a bad penny.
Wow!
So this is it.
Yeah, this is it.
Business must be good.
Well, it has its rewards.
I'll bet.
Tough day?
You could say that.
Well, you know what?
You can just sit back and relax.
I got this all covered.
Spanish wine!
How thoughtful are we?
- Here, let me pour that for you.
- No, that's okay.
- You want some?
- Sure.
So, Hitch.
Is that a noun or a verb?
I guess it depends.
Let's see, what should we toast to?
Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink.
But if you must lie,
lie in the arms of the one you love.
If you must steal,
steal away from bad company.
If you must cheat, cheat death.
And if you must drink...
drink in the moments
that take your breath away.
Did you just make that up?
Make yourself at home.
I'm gonna check on the risotto.
Look at this! Which one's the music?
It does lights, too?
Let me help you out with that.
Now, this is nifty.
What are you doing?
How does it work, exactly?
Well, usually you have dinner,
then you have dessert.
No, I mean your thriving business.
I don't do interviews.
But if you'd like to get back to the evening,
I'd be happy to sit and talk.
Great idea. You start.
Well, maybe I would if you weren't snarling.
What if I told you...
that I know exactly what you do
and how you do it?
And I think it's despicable!
You know what?
We might need to go out to dinner.
There's a great seafood restaurant
I'd love to take you to.
How about you just get a cleaver, butcher?
- Maybe I will!
- What the hell is wrong with you?
Nothing a front-page story can't cure.
So that's what this is all about?
Albert and Allegra
on the front of your crap-ass newspaper?
- You put them there!
- No, you did!
No, he did! The minute he called you!
Dr. Hitch. Listen to me, papi.
I need to bring my partner, Amir,
somewhere amazing for our anniversary.
Maybe it's not your thing, but maybe it is.
What the hell are you talking about, Raoul?
It's you, no?
So, my friend, how was she? Pretty good?
How was she? I'll tell you! She was great!
Isn't that the Date Doctor?
- I'm telling you, that's him.
- He doesn't look anything like him.
- Excuse me. Do you know him?
- No.
I want you to look me in the eye
and tell me that he did not hire you.
Ma'am, I have never seen this man
before in my life.
See you later, Tony.
Tony? You have got
some serious explaining to do.
Albert. Hitch. You all right?
I can't really talk right now.
I'm kind of tied up.
One, two. On three.
Women will remain seated.
Men will rotate to the left at the buzzer.
You get two minutes each,
four minutes total.
So trade your talk time when you hear...
the gong.
If it's mutual, you get numbers.
If not, better luck next time, okay?
Ladies, take your seats.
Case, you are a living testimonial
to the triumph of hope over experience.
Thanks for coming.
I know it's lame. I'm sure it's the last thing
you feel like doing.
I really prefer Rachmaninoff
to the heavier romantic composers.
But despite the pan-Germanic
anti-Semitism...
I'd still have to say my favorite is Wagner.
- Nice talking to you.
- Thank you. Bye.
Bye.
Excuse me.
That's my seat, man.
My name is Ron. I'm 28.
Albert Brennaman is a good man.
In fact, Albert Brennaman is a great man.
I just got out of a five-year relationship.
I'm a lot of fun at parties. I like dogs...
And then you're mad at me
for what I do for a living?
I've already got your number...
so why don't you go
consult your conscience?
- Albert is in love with her.
- Just like Sebastian?
- Is there a problem?
- No, just one sec.
- What do you have against Allegra anyway?
- Nothing.
My interest is protecting women
from assholes like you.
I did ice climbing once.
- You don't even know me.
- And whose fault is that?
...the sun comes up,
the ice really starts to fall apart.
I bet. I'm sorry.
- Do you know this guy?
- Apparently not.
You're in my seat.
You really...
I'm doing you a favor, believe me.
Basically, I like outdoor sports.
But indoor sports have their place, too.
There are certain aspects of my job
that are secretive.
And my job is to try to find the truth.
The truth? You wouldn't know the truth
if it kicked you in the head.
If Albert Brennaman has to take a fall for it,
so be it.
Why don't you say
what's really pissing you off?
I've been waiting to talk to her...
- You want to sit down? Here you go. Gong!
- Thank you.
Excuse me.
Hi. Actually, you're not supposed to move.
I'm Alex Hitchens. No, it's okay. Go.
- I'm Casey.
- Hi, Casey.
I work for a small publishing house
in the press department...
which isn't actually where I want to be.
But it's a good house...
You handled me. You manipulated me.
You researched me and you showed me
my great-grandfather's signature.
Wait. You're Ellis Island?
- I thought that was real sweet.
- Thank you.
Case, you're not helping.
Excuse me, I'm on a date.
Does it ever occur to women
that maybe a guy might like to have a plan...
because he's nervous?
He's not sure that he could just
walk up to you and you'd respond if he said:
"I like you. "
- That sounds good to me.
- True, you can't tell them you like them.
- I tried that. It didn't go well.
- I've crashed and burned on that.
That is what you did, and I did like you!
I just didn't know I was being worked over
by some professional.
He doesn't have a badge.
The only time he was sincere
or spontaneous...
was when everything was going wrong
or when you were stoned out of your head.
- I'm sorry to interrupt. Do I know you?
- No, I don't think so.
- You wanna see me be spontaneous?
- Sure, you want a Benadryl?
This is really kind of distracting.
And I haven't gotten laid in a year!
We're sorry.
Why don't you guys get back to your date?
Or go somewhere.
Maybe from the bank?
If this doesn't work out, call him.
He might hook you up with Paris Hilton.
Wait, that's it. You're the Date Doctor, right?
- You're the Date Doctor?
- Do we have a problem here?
Yeah, a big one!
What the hell did I ever do to you?
Am I missing something?
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Why don't you go hit a titty bar
with your buddy Vance?
Wow.
I don't believe this.
That's your source?
You buried yourself, Alex.
Then you weren't listening.
I heard every word.
You're a scam artist.
- You trick women into getting...
- Into getting out of their own way...
so great guys like Albert Brennaman
have a fighting chance.
No, I want everybody
to take a good look at this right now.
Because this right here...
this is exactly why falling in love
is so goddamn hard.
Sir, let's go. Now.
And Vance Munson is a pig!
And I refused to work with him.
You need to get your facts right.
It's because of jerks like him
that I even have a job.
Had a job.
Can you believe that guy?
Actually, I do.
You...
complete me.
- I might just have...
- Shut up.
Just shut up.
You had me at "hello. "
No comment.
This is off the record.
I came to apologize.
I made some assumptions about you...
based on nothing, it turns out.
- I guess Casey's right. My best friend...
- Don't worry about it. We're straight.
I should've asked you.
But sometimes you're so guarded.
I just don't wanna be another reason
for you to...
I'm not someone who likes to get involved
past a certain point.
And that point was about a week ago.
Well, I just want to say I'm really sorry...
and I didn't mean to hurt you.
You didn't.
That's a relief.
- Hey, fella.
- Yeah, good. You?
What you got there?
This? I figured maybe if my heart
stops beating, it wouldn't hurt so much.
She hasn't called back?
You want some coffee?
I want you to fix it.
I got nothing, Albert.
You wanna do something?
We should get out tonight.
Honestly, I never knew I could feel like this.
I swear I'm going out of my mind.
I wanna throw myself off
of every building in New York.
I see a cab and I wanna dive in front of it,
because then I'll stop thinking about her.
Look, you will. Just give it time.
That's just it. I don't want to.
I've waited my whole life
to feel this miserable.
If this is the only way
I can stay connected with her...
then this is who I have to be.
No, you don't.
You can change, you can adapt.
You can make it
so you don't ever have to feel like this.
Ever again.
Oh, my God. You just don't get it, do you?
I get it.
Let me get this straight.
You're selling this stuff,
but you don't believe in your own product.
- Love is my life.
- No. Love is your job.
You wanna jump out a plane
without a chute, be my guest.
But forgive me if I don't join you.
This isn't about love for you at all, is it?
This whole time, I thought I was the coward.
- Where you going?
- Skydiving.
Taxi!
Mr. Hitchens.
Miss Cole,
thank you very much for seeing me.
You said it was a matter of life and death.
That man would've sold his soul
to make you happy.
So what does that make you, the devil?
My job is not to deceive, Miss Cole.
It's to create opportunities.
Like the boardroom.
- Would you have noticed him otherwise?
- Yes.
- Really?
- Eventually.
Maybe.
How did you know all that stuff about me?
Well, you really did your homework.
Like at boarding school when everyone
used to tease me because I couldn't whistle.
And having him dance like a buffoon
knowing that I can't dance, either.
Then telling him to drop mustard
on his shirt, so I'd feel less like a dork.
That was all you, right?
No. Hell, no.
That was him?
That's got Albert written all over it.
Did you put him up to the inhaler?
Stop it. He did not show you that.
He chucked it right before he kissed me.
So, wait...
that stuff worked for you?
It was adorable.
What did you do?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
That's good.
- This was your plan the whole time?
- Albert.
You sail off into the sunset with my girl?
You were like a brother to me!
- He came here for you.
- Who?
The guy you're choking.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I really love you.
- I love you more.
- I love you more. I really do.
I got somewhere I gotta go.
- Yeah, who is it?
- Hitch.
Can I talk to you?
What?
You almost hit me.
Look, I just wanted to stop by, basically.
See, this is the thing.
This is weird.
I don't have me behind the door, you know.
Close your mouth.
Because I knew at some point I'd be...
right here. But I thought that...
everything would come out, but it's like...
That's throwing me off.
- Can we close the door?
- What?
I'm sorry. Just, can we... I just need...
- Are you serious?
- No, just like this.
What do you want, Hitch?
You.
For a whole lot of reasons
that don't make any sense to me.
I mean, what, we've been on three dates?
See, that's what's crazy.
That's what's crazy, because I know.
I know deep...
like just down, just in this area...
that I just know...
that I want...
I want to be miserable.
Like, really miserable.
Because, hey...
if that's what it takes
for me to be happy then...
Wait, that didn't come out right.
What the hell is wrong with you?
- Nothing!
- No, not you.
I'm talking to me.
Alex Hitchens, Tom Reda.
I'll just put this in the car.
Maybe it's like what you said.
We should just both go our separate ways
and then we'll do just fine.
What if fine isn't good enough?
What if I want extraordinary?
No such thing.
I'm just as scared as you are, Sara.
But I'm right here, and our time is right now.
Well, what about before?
I am a guy. Since when
do we get anything right the first time?
I'm a realist,
and I know what love does to people.
- No, you don't.
- Keys.
There you go. Right here.
I don't know who this is, and I don't care.
What I do know is he'll never feel about you
the way that I do.
- You know how to drive a stick?
- Both of you, shut up!
- You okay?
- Yeah. No, I'm fine.
You'll never be fine, and neither will I!
Maybe I should drive.
Are you trying to get yourself killed?
If that's what it takes.
Sara, what happened?
- He jumped on the car.
- Why?
Because that's what people do.
They leap and hope to God they can fly.
Because otherwise...
we just drop like a rock...
wondering the whole way down:
"Why in the hell did I jump?"
But here I am, Sara, falling.
And there's only one person
that makes me feel like I can fly.
That's you.
So, you kind of like me?
No.
I love you.
I love you, and I knew it from the first...
If I say it back now, it'll sound so stupid.
This is the guy I was telling you about.
Hitch, that's my sister, Maria.
And that's her husband, Tom.
Her husband.
Where's your date?
Don't have one.
I know. Shocking, huh?
Oh, my God!
Are you all right?
Grandma, what happened?
This young lady just saved my life.
Ask her to dance.
Well, if you insist.
- I'm Casey.
- Charles Wellington.
- And this...
- Forget it. Just go.
Basic principles:
There are none.