Hold the Fort (2025) Movie Script
VAMPIRES WITCHCRAFWEREWOLVES
SHOT THEM
DEAD
Is that all?
That's all.
Herb, that's not enough.
Don't laugh.
I've done it a hundred times.
Not alone.
We should have sold
out when they came out--
We don't sell.
My family has defended
this property for generations.
I won't be the first
Gruber to leave.
Take the stake chalice, Mable.
Mable, take it.
We don't know what will come out,
have you forgotten?
I called them back.
They arrive tomorrow morning.
- What did you do?
- We're old. I'm tired.
I want to enjoy my
last years in peace.
I won't sell my property to
unimaginative suburban builders.
They offer 1.8 million.
You'll have to kill me first.
Ostia of crisse.
It's open.
We will continue
this conversation later.
You just have to hold on until morning.
Until morning.
Nobody takes my land.
ENTRY PROHIBITED
FUCK YOU
On this side,
there will be another row of houses,
and we will alternate styles
for variety, and there, good God
we're going to raze
this field. And the best,
is that we're going to make
the clubhouse right here.
We just have to convince
this old geezer to sell.
I charmed his wife.
They won't be able
to resist the new offer.
You're going to hug like a good president.
Do you know that?
THANKS.
We're going to sell.
You're going to need the chest.
FOR SALE
SOLD
RE-ELECT JERRY KLEIN
PRESIDENT OF THE HOA OF GRUBER HILLS
GRUBER HILLS
PARKING VIOLATION
AMMUNITION
9MM
HOW TO KILL VAMPIRES
Is it in the middle?
Yeah, it's perfect.
I like him a lot.
It reminds me of the
view from the apartment.
We only miss the gunshots
and the sirens,
we will feel at home.
Hey, I found a great running route.
This will be perfect
for my long runs.
What is the letter?
Oh, it's HOA after all.
Surely a welcome letter.
Or a fine.
Oh, please don't start.
I'm just saying,
We've been here for a few days
and we're already receiving letters?
These people are super relaxed, okay?
The president of the HOA,
he was so cool.
Ah, the one you totally
forgot to mention?
You're still mad, aren't you?
It's just that we loved
this house so much--
Not to the point of going
through an HOA, Lucas.
I know, but I promise you
this one won't bother us.
That's 500 bales per month.
- They are building a swimming pool.
- Okay, seriously.
Hey, I did it for love, okay?
Did you want a house?
Tadaaam, we have a house.
These windows, look at these
windows. These are our windows.
We own it.
And that ceiling?
Our ceiling chalice.
It's ours.
We can knock it down if we want,
and that tree in front
is our tree, and we can
build ourselves a damn
beautiful cabin if we want.
If the HOA allows us.
Yeah, as soon as it's approved.
Hey, come on. That's incredible.
We are owners.
That's what we wanted.
Okay, yes, that's pretty incredible.
Oh, my God, you're sweating like hell.
It was nothing.
Okay, let's see what's in there.
Probably a Home-Depot gift card?
Or we have the wrong type of grass.
No, it's long fescue,
like everywhere.
Oh, my God, you're one of them.
Well, Dear Lucas and Jenny,
welcome to the neighborhood. They used
our first names.
It's very exciting.
On behalf of the Gruber Hills community,
we invite you to
our annual Equinox
celebration this evening.
You love parties!
Not with a bunch of
snooty HOA members.
Stay positive, okay?
I bet our neighbors are--
Are you waiting for someone?
No.
Lucas.
Jerry, hi, nice to see you again.
Are you settling in well?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're
almost done unpacking.
Hello, we haven't seen
each other yet. Jerry Klein.
It's my fault.
Jerry, this is my wife, Jenny.
Jenny, this is Jerry, the
president of the HOA.
Oh, so it's because
of you, such high costs.
It is necessary, to keep this
place in perfect condition.
We know. She was joking.
- No.
- Okay.
I was stopping by to make sure you received
our invitation to the party tonight.
Yes, we just opened it.
Splendid, we'll see
you at the club at seven.
We'll be there.
-Lucas.
- Rude.
- We can't wait.
- Great, it's a great party.
You could say it's to die for.
Why do you say that?
Okay, see you tonight.
FORT GRUBER
FOUNDED IN
1853 No need to be mean.
What was I supposed to
say? He was right there.
You should have said we
were tired from the move.
It's true, it would have been better, but
on the positive side, we're going
to meet our new neighbors, right?
Oh, seriously, Fort Gruber?
It's cool, right?
Every club needs a fort.
An HOA is not a club.
Disagree, and stop being a killjoy.
I hope there's alcohol.
I wouldn't count on it.
Are you a cult?
But no, it's not a sect.
WELCOME TO EQUINOX
PLEASE DONT DIE!
It's still weird, that.
It's not weird.
You haven't seen what's weird yet.
Stop it, Ted.
He likes to scare new neighbors.
Ted, and this is my wife, Annette.
I assume you just moved in.
Yesterday, in fact.
Oh, fresh meat.
Welcome to the Equinox.
- What is the Equinox?
- Oh, I know.
This is when the sun
crosses the celestial equator
and day and night last exactly
the same amount of time.
Oh, a smart one.
THANKS.
I'm very good at googling.
And right in the field.
I'll take care of it, little one.
The Equinox is a legend.
A long time ago,
the people who
lived here had a rather unique problem.
Once a year,
a portal to hell opened,
and monsters of
all kinds rushed out,
bloodthirsty and ready to kill.
So the community
built a fort on this land,
and they fought these
monsters to save this land.
Okay.
And now we get drunk and celebrate.
Are you getting drunk?
Yeah, do you want
to try my moonshine?
- Apple pie flavor.
- Please.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So say,
What really is this Equinox?
Do you know how to shoot?
Pardon ?
We always see which neighbors will last.
Good luck, kid.
Cool.
- Are you doing well ?
- It's strong.
- It'll be OK.
- It's so good.
Okay, honey, take one more sip.
Okay, everyone, gather around.
Ostia, this moonshine is amazing.
My stomach is on fire.
Good to see you, Marcus.
Leslie, thanks again
for the cheese sticks.
They are successful.
There are muscle relaxers in it.
Leslie, you're hilarious.
Thank you for coming
to Equinoxe this year.
Before we get into it,
I want to go over a few things.
Marcus, you didn't apply for
a permit for your bird feeder.
- We have to take it off.
- But I--
This is your second HOA violation.
If you get to three...
Lets try not to get to that point, eh?
Wow, they are strict here.
I think I'm a weirdo.
Then, I wanted to inform
you that we are starting
the construction of the
swimming pool next month.
Chalice, yes.
- Language.
- Sorry.
And finally, we
have new neighbors.
Welcome Lucas and Jenny.
This is their first Equinox.
Let's hope they survive.
Huh, sorry, what?
Okay, everyone, let's go.
WITCHES
Given last year, we know
we will have regulars.
Oh, Lucas, if you have any questions,
Don't be shy about asking.
Actually, yes, I have several.
As I said, we can expect
a horde of witches.
You know the routine.
Magic doesn't stop bullets!
That's it.
Magic doesn't stop bullets.
If you see witches,
bang, bang.
Next, what do we have?
Ah, yes, the werewolf.
The price of silver has risen this year.
Damn inflation.
We have a limited quantity of bullets.
I made the executive decision
to hand them over to McScruffy.
- Who ?
-McScruffy.
He's a legend around here.
Super hairy, damn it's good.
Okay.
As always, special
items will be in the trunk.
Who wants to take care of it this year?
- Ooh, him.
- What ? No.
Lucas, well done for
taking on the challenge.
I'll explain the
logistics to you later.
Great, I can't wait.
Okay, back to the table.
Look at this one.
Evil in its purest form.
The stick man.
Oh, chalice.
As far as we know, he's the
leader of the army of darkness.
If you see him, run.
No one has ever survived the Stick Man.
And there are always new
monsters, every year is a surprise!
Okay, who's ready for the draw?
- Maybe we should leave.
- But the draw.
Yes, but have you seen his drawings?
- This is really fucked up.
- Oh, whatever.
Annette, any shots?
Oh, everyone.
No, Jenny, Jenny, no, no, wait.
17, who had 17?
Whoo, me!
Congratulations, you have
won this wheeled lawn sprinkler.
And that leaves the shotgun.
Who will be the lucky winner?
Number two, who has number two?
Lucas, come here.
Whoo, it's my darling.
Congratulations, It
might just save your life.
THANKS.
- You can go back to your place.
- Great, thank you, sorry.
Well, there's about 30
minutes until the gate opens.
Relax, go and snack on something,
and make sure you use the toilet.
We don't want any accidents
again this year, do we, Ted?
It was once.
He shit himself two years ago.
Oh, you're one hell of a lucky guy.
I wanted this shotgun so bad.
- Lucas, is that it?
- Yes, that's my name.
- Do you want to exchange?
- I have a big adjustable wrench.
No, no, don't listen to
him. Keep your gun, you.
Hey, hey, hey let the guy
decide for himself, Lez.
Don't call me Lez. Would
you like it if I called you Mar?
Jenny.
Listen, it's your first
Equinox, then I will help you.
I'm going to the bathroom
to take a line of coke.
Do you want to come?
It will relax you.
No, I'm correct.
Sissy.
I'll snorkel with you, Lez.
Shut up, Mar.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm not a fan of coke.
Well, I have other stock.
- Meth, are you a fan of meth?
- No.
Chum, mushrooms, acid.
What's going on?
Crack, weed, more coke,
screen cleaner.
I smoked nutmeg
with my cousin once.
Loser, you won't survive.
Good luck tonight, virgin.
- Actually, I'm not a virgin.
- You're a virgin.
Chalice.
- A real suburban guy.
- Ostia.
Jerry, you made
me do it in my pants.
Language.
Yes, I'm really sorry.
Abandon the city, move
to the suburbs, settle down.
It's big.
Yes, it was the right time.
The city was great for our 20s,
but I felt ready
for the next step.
And Jenny, do you think she's ready?
Yes of course.
She's a little defensive
today, but she'll be okay.
She has this crazy
idea that HOAs are bad.
Bad ?
We're not bad. We fight evil.
- Exactly, about that.
- Oh, yes, the trunk.
Depending on the monster, I will tell
you which weapon is the most effective.
You take it from the trunk and
take it to McScruffy, capisce?
Okay, so that's...
A joke or something
to scare the new neighbors?
That's to say ?
Jerry, you need to watch this.
There's something moving out there.
But no,
We must have 15 minutes left.
I'll come back. Try the
cheese sticks, they're killer.
You know, Annette, I have to tell you, I
really wasn't looking
forward to this party,
but you made me change my mind,
and I don't
want to jinx that, but this
HOA might not be so bad.
Excuse me.
Did I hear that correctly?
Tell no one.
This evening is really weird.
Chalice, everyone in position!
It's early!
Get into position, quickly!
Chalice, calice, calice, it's
the biggest one I've ever seen.
- Language.
- Shut the fuck up, Ted!
Remove the safety catch,
what a fool!
It's time to fight.
Where is McScruffy?
He's going to be there.
Go, you two, to the windows.
At the windows?
Lucas?
What is this?
They are coming.
Where is McScruffy?
Ostia.
Witches.
What is this?
We crown our camp here!
Silence !
McScruffy.
Nobody comes out of here.
There is only one thing to do.
We have to--
Safety first.
WELCOME TO EQUINOX
PLEASE DONT DIE!
- Welcome to the Equinox.
- Don't die.
Come on, guys!
Come on, you people, tabarnak!
Magic doesn't stop bullets!
Lucas, do your part.
Jenny, take this.
Oh, chalice.
Sorry
Come on, you have to help them.
You just said we have to
leave. What are you doing?
Ostia of crisse.
Ostia of crisse.
Eat hot lead.
Has anyone ordered
the broom service?
That's what I want!
What just happened?
Thank God you arrived.
We couldn't have done
it without you, Scruff.
What is this?
You have to toughen up, my
guy. It was just the beginning.
- The beginning?
- Has it started?
Scruff, are you correct?
- Ouch, my leg!
- Ostia of crisse.
It's not good.
Who gave this kid a gun?
- He won it in the draw.
- In the draw?
Don't worry, I'm a nurse.
It's not that serious.
It's just a scratch.
I need something to bandage him.
Just breathe.
It's going to hurt.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
- Damn, Lucas.
- Yeah, damn it, Lucas.
No, no, it was an accident.
It just... it just went away.
If you had been at the window helping us,
this wouldn't have happened.
What are you... No, no, no.
- Sorry, McShaft.
-McScruffy.
Tell me what the
hell is going on here!
Because there's guts
and shit all over my face,
and were those witches' chalices?
They were witches' chalices.
- I can't breathe.
- It's okay, Ted.
I can't breathe.
Calm down.
Breathe.
You are correct.
It's good.
It's all in the butter.
Ew, you got a bit of
someone's brains in there.
Slowly, you're correct.
Breathe.
Okay, what are we confused about?
Of everything.
You've heard of the legend, right?
Yes, Ted mentioned business.
Well, once a year,
This portal opens,
and we have to kill what comes out
otherwise they will
destroy the neighborhood.
Pretty standard HOA business.
High costs,
It's for balls and all.
Half the money goes
to fixing up that place.
It's clear ?
No,
why would anyone want to live here?
We have a swimming pool.
This guy exploded on me.
Okay, people don't die that often.
McScruffy was late,
the gate opened early.
It's just one of those years.
You are crazy.
You are all fools.
Jenny, hey, Jenny, come
on, we're leaving here.
Lucas.
What, Jenny, come now.
We should stay.
- They need us.
- About us?
There is always one. Some
people don't know how to manage.
Sissy.
It's clear they don't want me.
Fuck off, city boy.
I need you.
Plus, you're in charge of the safe.
Besides, that makes me think.
I need to pass on some
logistical details to you.
Oh, hey, are you okay, buddy?
Yeah, I'm correct.
- Ostia.
- Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
My body is heavy
but it feels good.
Are you sick?
Did you drink enough water?
A gallon a day, old girl.
- Don't call me that.
- Sorry.
Okay, is this your sugar?
Have you eaten?
I ate like seven cheese sticks.
- What did you do?
- I ate seven cheese sticks.
- Did you eat seven?
- Maybe eight.
- Oh, he's fucked.
- For what ?
What do they have, cheese sticks?
We're supposed to eat one each.
For what ?
I told you, there are
muscle relaxers in it.
Why do calice cheese sticks
have muscle relaxers in them?
It helps you relax.
You don't know what that means, I think.
I feel like a cloud.
Chalice, we have movement.
Oh, come on, help me
get him to the window.
Try not to shoot
anyone this time, Luc-ass.
Go, go, go, Jerry.
- Okay, okay.
- Cursed!
- Let's go.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Okay.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, chalice.
- No, it's okay. I see the same thing.
Stay with me, stay with me.
Hey, he's losing too much blood.
What, what's going on?
You, keep an eye on the window.
Come on, McScruffy.
Come on, boy.
Don't go unconscious. Come on.
Broom service.
Is he still breathing?
He's still breathing, he
just doesn't really answer.
Oh, chalice.
You blew it, kid.
And watch the gate.
Something just came out of the portal.
Describe it!
Three floating silver orbs.
Orbs?
Yeah, I don't know, man.
They just look like gray circles.
Kung fu spirits.
Everyone down!
Chalice, come on.
Yo, bird, are you okay, man?
Everyone, I need you to
listen to me very carefully.
Oh my God.
Listen, whatever you do,
Don't let them bite you.
Eh ?
Stay calm.
Lucas, bring back the peach
wood sword from the chest.
Lucas!
Lucas!
No, chalice of chalice, man.
It's time for the big wrench!
Adjustable wrench, big adjustable wrench!
Big wrench!
We have them.
Oh, chalice, run!
Someone turn me around!
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
I'm correct.
Big adjustable wrench,
big wrench, whoo!
Leslie, no!
Big wrench!
Lez, are you okay?
Talk to me!
You could have been my plan B!
What do we do?
Are we shooting at them?
Sorry, neighbors.
Light them up.
I thought magic
didn't stop bullets!
Kung fu isn't magic!
Criss Ostia!
Lucas, the trunk, you
have to use the sword!
Course !
- Lucas!
- Am I talking to you alone here?
Annette, Jenny, take
Jerry and go to the closet.
I'll get McScruffy.
Come on, come on!
No, we need the sword, chalice!
- You succeeded.
- You left me!
No, I said class.
Oh, cheers, Teddy!
The door!
Can someone straighten me out,
please?
Is he still breathing?
Yeah, yeah, but it's slow.
- Ted, we have to hurry.
- Hello, hello, yes, hello, hello.
I'm at the Gruber Hills club.
There was an attack and we, hello?
Hello, chalice!
Hello, hello, yes, This is
the Gruber Hills club, hello?
It won't work.
Yeah, they hang up on me.
- What is that?
- Listen to me.
- Give me that.
- It won't work.
The police don't come here.
What do you mean?
Didnt you read anything
in your HOA contract?
What, the, the contract?
I looked through it.
Lord, help me, I'm
going to give him a crack!
Calm down, Teddy.
Don't get too angry.
Remember, your IBS.
Ostia de crisse, baby,
it's his fault.
My fault?
Kiss my ass.
It's not my fault, okay?
It's you people who are
hiding this carnival ostie.
That was all in the HOA contract.
The HOA contract?
Shut the fuck up!
These people are all
dead because of you.
Oh, chalice.
Okay, that was a bit of an exaggeration.
It was an accident.
Everyone knows the risks.
And we don't have time to argue.
- Why aren't the police coming?
- Long story.
Fully described in the contract.
Yes, thank you, Ted.
Very summarized version:
the government
initially tried to make
us leave when they
discovered the portal, but we
made a deal with them to stay.
So now we can live here,
but we're our own mini-county.
This is why there
is no property tax.
Chalice yes.
It's worth it, what with the
hell portal and everything?
After the first year,
we hired McScruffy.
We've had just one death since then,
and it's definitely worth it
for the good mortgage price,
but then we're all going to die,
so maybe not.
With that attitude, that's for sure.
Sorry, Jeremy.
Let's get back to the problem at hand.
As I shouted to you earlier,
Kung fu spirits can only
be killed by stabbing
them with peach wood.
Luckily, we have a peach
wood sword in the trunk.
- What is peach wood?
- It's wood from a peach tree.
Logic.
But why not oak or pine?
It's old Taoist magic.
Oh, my God, we don't have time.
You have to go get the sword.
We must kill these chalices
before the next ones arrive.
Best idea:
we stay here safe.
No way.
The longer we wait,
more monsters will appear.
Something is going to break
down this door eventually and kill us.
Okay, let's get the sword then.
Yeah, great plan, except
you forget something.
Who will stab the spirits?
McScruffy is completely out of the game.
Me.
I'll get the sword. I'm
going to kill these spirits.
I'm the one who fucked up.
It's the least I can do.
- Pantoute.
- No, I'm serious.
- Do you believe it?
- Hey, I'm serious.
You wouldn't have two seconds
out there. We need a real plan.
Lucas is actually really fast.
He can get there.
You speak.
What's your mile time?
- Four forty-seven.
- Yeah, it's pretty fast.
It's settled, then.
Lucas, we're counting on you.
I'll go with you
to distract them.
Thanks, Ted.
I'm not doing it for you.
I don't trust you're not
going to try to leave.
Teamwork, I like that.
Jenny, you're watching the door.
Here we go.
A sip for luck?
I love you, my wife.
I thought you were
right behind me, I swear.
Yeah, that's correct.
Just be careful.
Lightning McQueen, let's go.
Ooh, kashow.
Where are they?
Oh, great.
Not terrifying at all.
Jenny, take one of
McScruffy's guns and cover us.
Come on, city guy,
let's get this sword.
Now that we're here,
maybe we shouldn't.
Okay.
Can I have a gun?
Absolutely not.
Move.
Swarm.
Jesus.
Sorry, sorry, it's my fault.
I almost lost my pants.
Sorry.
Oh my God.
What does it look like?
It looks like a thick
wooden sword shell.
Like a technical name or something.
A technical name?
There's fog.
What ?
It looks like fog
creeping across the floor.
He is there.
Who ?
Jenny, what are you doing?
Chalice!
Swarm and find this sword.
Uh, Ted.
Chalice, Lucas, take the sword.
- Luke?
- Yeah, I'm looking, okay?
-Lucas.
- I'm looking.
Oh, I have it.
What is this?
Chalice, Lucas, start stabbing
these ostie sons of bitches.
Cheers, Jenny!
Let me in!
Jenny, Jenny, come on.
Jenny, let me in,
let me in.
I try. Its stuck!
Jenny, there are kung fu
zombie calices outside! Let me in!
Chalice, everyone back off!
- Oh boy.
- Fuck off, the door!
Oh my God !
Jenny!
- Lucas!
- Chalice, Chalice, Chalice, Chalice, Chalice!
- The sword!
- Chalice, Chalice, Chalice, Chalice.
Lucas, use the sword chalice!
The toilets!
Oh my God.
Ostia, what was that?
You have to use the
sword, it's the only way.
I tried, it didn't work.
You have to aim for the heart.
Yeah, okay, yeah, okay.
Logic.
Oh, I need to sit down.
I catch my breath.
Cardio ostia.
Oh, chalice.
When I catch my breath, we're
going to go back out there.
I'll give you an opening,
and you stab, okay?
How about we just stay here?
No, we can't.
If another monster shows up,
We're so fucked up,
and I don't want to die tonight.
Chalice, we need McScruffy.
Listen, I'm really sorry.
I really screwed it up.
If I had been at the window like you
say, I wouldn't have shot McScruffy.
If you had read the contract.
Yeah, that too.
Chalice... and here we
are hidden in a toilet.
We're going to go back out there and
kill our neighbors
with a wooden sword.
Life is funny sometimes, huh?
Let me give you some advice, kid.
Life is going to throw a
bunch of shit in your face.
You can plan and you can prepare,
but eventually,
something will hit you,
and when it happens,
you will have a choice to make.
Do I let myself be kissed by life,
or am I fucking life in return?
Really weird analogy.
I need you to be strong.
Jenny needs you to be strong.
The HOA needs you to be strong.
But I'm afraid.
And me no?
What does this have to do with fear?
I'm talking about strength.
This is your moment.
Show what you're all about.
Prove me wrong, Lucas.
Show me you're
not a selfish bastard.
Okay.
Don't just say okay.
Believe it, really.
Yeah, you're right.
I hear you.
That's it.
If you run again, I swear to
you that I will kill you myself.
- Okay.
- It's massive.
Come on, let's kick the shit
out of these kung fu minds.
Wait.
Wait what? It was a
great motivational speech.
Leslie's coke.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Draw a line, go all out,
and go kill zombies.
What ? No, what?
It's a stimulant.
I know.
That's what I--
Oh, you think...?
Maybe.
Maybe.
We need to find McScruffy now!
There, that should help a little.
Any news?
It still doesn't move.
If I added...
What was that?
Jerry, they haven't come back yet.
Don't panic.
It'll be OK.
Jenny, I need you to
reload McScruffy's Glocks.
Reload, why...?
Quickly !
Come on, Lucas, where are you?
How do you get the ammo thing out?
The little button, the button on the side!
Lord, help me.
I'll create an opening
and you stab, okay?
Understood.
Don't let me go, city boy,
okay? You have to be strong.
- Here we go.
- Let's go for it, baby.
It doesn't work!
Put your heart into it!
I'm putting some on!
Criss Ostia!
Hold it there!
It's in my mouth.
Chalice yes, again.
- Again !
- I don't see anything.
Lucas!
Why is it starting again?
- Reset!
- I try!
There, Lucas!
Glasses, chalice!
Ready !
Sorry, Leslie, it was the rest
of us who dealt the final blow.
Ostia.
Well done, city guy.
-Teddy?
- Annette?
Take this to McScruffy.
- But and --
- Do it.
I'll take care of the dog.
Come on, Clifford.
We dance.
Well, with bare hands, first.
Is that all you got?
- Werewolf!
- I know !
Jenny, swarm!
Chalice.
How many balls?
Don't fill it!
What are you doing?
Come on, walk.
Walk, walk, walk, walk.
Ted!
Jenny, swarm!
I try. I've never done this before.
Come on. Chalice, come on!
Fuck off, the furry doggie!
Get your paws off my wife, you--
I have it!
Is he dead?
No, he's alive.
He's panicking, I think.
Bang!
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to leave you.
No, no, no, that's correct.
You're safe, that's the main thing.
Teddy, Teddy.
I love you, Annette.
I love you too.
Hang in there.
You need to hold on.
It's going to be okay,
it's going to be okay.
I got fooled, huh?
Hey, kid,
It's another one of those...
moments.
Oh, I love you, Annette.
Teddy, you can't.
Teddy, you can't.
You can't, you can't.
Teddy, wait.
No, oh no!
I love you, Teddy.
Teddy! Teddy, no! Teddy!
Baby, no. Teddy!
Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, please.
Teddy, please, Teddy.
Teddy?
Chalice, Annette, step back!
Lucas, do something!
Let her go!
Don't force me to use it!
Lucas!
Don't let me go, city boy.
It's time to be strong.
It wasn't Ted.
You know it wasn't Ted.
I'm not crying.
I'm just, I'm allergic to blood.
Yeah, me too.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I really screwed up. I
really screwed up, Jenny.
We shouldn't be here.
We shouldn't have even moved here,
you didn't even want an HOA.
You couldn't have predicted that.
I could have listened to you.
You know, I could have listened to you,
and we wouldn't even be there tonight.
It's true.
Did you know that Annette's moonshine has
just been accepted for distribution?
It will be available across
the country in a few months.
Jerry knew people
who pulled strings.
What are you talking about?
And Marcus, he gave
free oil changes to
everyone in the neighborhood,
like this.
Annette told me that Ted ran an
adult T-ball league in the neighborhood.
T-ball for adults?
Yeah, just an excuse to drink.
Jenny, what are you doing?
I'm just saying they really
had a family feel here.
And in other circumstances,
I think we would have
been really happy here.
Jenny, you don't need to
try to make me feel better.
I don't do it.
I just want you to know
that I don't blame you for this.
It's not your fault.
Hey, Jenny?
Yeah.
I don't want us to die.
We're not going to die.
Just stop being a killjoy.
Annette, we need to move.
Another wave is coming.
What's the point?
I have a plan.
It's crazy, but it's a plan.
I don't think Teddy would have
wanted us to give up without a fight.
What is the motto?
Welcome to the Equinox.
Don't die.
Thanks, I'm finally
starting to feel my fingers.
Look at this.
I got you, sweetie.
I'll punch you later.
Jenny, anything?
Nothing, it's quiet.
Okay, what is this plan?
Well, you know how we're
always on the defensive, right?
We still protect the club
from monsters, yeah?
Yeah.
So let's flip that. We're
going on the offensive.
Okay, okay, so we attack the monsters.
Not the monsters.
We attack the portal.
And how do we do that?
Are we getting drunk?
This moonshine is--
190 guaranteed,
aka flammable in calice.
Okay, so we set the gate on fire?
We fight fire with fire.
It just makes more fire.
We're not going to burn them.
We're going to send these
monster chalices to hell.
Uh, will it work?
Maybe, 70-30.
70 that it works where...?
We fill this thing up, we
push it in, boom calice.
Okay, and to get there, we...
We run.
You mean I run.
Are you good with that?
We have movement.
What is Chalice?
What do you see?
I don't know, a bird,
maybe a bat?
What is-- ?
I have heard legends
about them, kamikaze bats.
It's time to put
the plan into action.
Annette, fill that thing up!
Jenny, get off as many of these
chalices as possible before they arrive!
Lucas, relax.
Wait!
McScruffy.
You'll need an extra blanket.
I'm coming with you.
Are you okay, Scruff?
Bang.
That's enough.
Lucas, just keep busy running.
McScruffy will have your back.
Jenny, you get out of here.
And Jerry, you stay there.
You don't have to be an idiot.
Understood, chalice.
Okay, let's go.
Wait, I just mean--
Jenny, we don't have time.
I'm glad we moved here.
I love you.
I love you too.
Bang.
Don't worry, Scruff.
We're going to do it.
Lucas, quickly!
Oh, chalice, it's true.
Let's go.
RE-ELECT JERRY KLEIN
PRESIDENT OF HOA GRUBER HILLS
- Chalice!
- What ?
They fell!
What ?
McScruffy, push!
Come on, chalice!
Whose idea was it
to tie us up with tape?
Roll to the left.
Right, sorry.
It's time to check
your attitude.
McScruffy, the moonshine.
It doesn't work!
There are too many.
Jenny, we have a problem.
Yeah, I know!
No, I mean... chalice.
Chalice, come on!
Ostia shit!
How do you tear tape?
Combat knife, left ankle!
What is this?
Chalice.
Good kill, monster kill.
Scruff, it's empty.
We just have one option there.
Did you have this all this time?
It's dangerous.
Take me to the gate.
Oh, chalice. Oh, chalice. Oh, chalice.
Oh, chalice, oh, chalice, oh, chalice.
There is something here.
Something hit my butt!
Jerry!
This is the...
I don't like it.
I don't like scary stuff.
NOT ABOVE 70 DEGREES
Annette, run!
You took my Teddy.
It's time to reap what you sow!
Take that, you Nazgul!
Annette!
No !
What was that?
Course !
How do we take that away from you?
You can't.
No, there must be a seam.
- We don't have time.
- No, I can cut it for you.
Listen !
It's your HOA now, McStubble.
McWhat?
I'll cover you, run!
No, McScruffy, I can't just--
I'm already dead.
Go ahead!
- What are you doing?
- Go ahead!
Make us proud, McStubble.
Ostia, ostia, ostia,
ostia, ostia, ostia!
I guess you could
say I left with a...
McScruffy!
Lucas!
Jenny!
Oh, my God, it was so scary.
Jerry, you're alive!
Where am I?
Where was I?
I surrounded my flame!
You're okay, you're okay.
Breathe, breathe,
you're at the club.
Oh, thank goodness.
The smell was horrible.
This man touched me with his affair.
You are correct.
I want to go home.
Okay, Jerry.
ONE YEAR LATER Well,
maybe just a little
bit on that side?
Yeah.
Hello, are you settling in well?
Yeah, they're almost done.
I was just stopping by to invite
you to a party at the club tonight.
It's a small annual affair,
organized by the HOA.
A party?
- Chalice, yeah.
- Fantastic.
I'll see you at seven sharp.
Oh, McScrappy, you're drooling.
Shall we go to the fort?
Let's go, and they're lucky,
It's just a party this year.
Otherwise, maybe McStubble
should have made an appearance.
Oh.
I still don't believe that nickname.
No, he actually said
it. It just grows blonde.
And that grass?
Shall we send a letter?
I thought the same thing.
They've been here for
what, barely a week?
The effrontery.
Okay, guys, be nice.
Oh, Derek, the cellar
is back from vacation.
Let's go!
What is Leslie doing?
Drugs, she does drugs.
I still don't really believe
he really called you that.
Sorry.
Okay, everyone, gather around.
Come on !
Welcome to TED Talks!
Ooh, I was trying to hold my breath.
It was incredible.
Bang!
Okay, cut.
SHOT THEM
DEAD
Is that all?
That's all.
Herb, that's not enough.
Don't laugh.
I've done it a hundred times.
Not alone.
We should have sold
out when they came out--
We don't sell.
My family has defended
this property for generations.
I won't be the first
Gruber to leave.
Take the stake chalice, Mable.
Mable, take it.
We don't know what will come out,
have you forgotten?
I called them back.
They arrive tomorrow morning.
- What did you do?
- We're old. I'm tired.
I want to enjoy my
last years in peace.
I won't sell my property to
unimaginative suburban builders.
They offer 1.8 million.
You'll have to kill me first.
Ostia of crisse.
It's open.
We will continue
this conversation later.
You just have to hold on until morning.
Until morning.
Nobody takes my land.
ENTRY PROHIBITED
FUCK YOU
On this side,
there will be another row of houses,
and we will alternate styles
for variety, and there, good God
we're going to raze
this field. And the best,
is that we're going to make
the clubhouse right here.
We just have to convince
this old geezer to sell.
I charmed his wife.
They won't be able
to resist the new offer.
You're going to hug like a good president.
Do you know that?
THANKS.
We're going to sell.
You're going to need the chest.
FOR SALE
SOLD
RE-ELECT JERRY KLEIN
PRESIDENT OF THE HOA OF GRUBER HILLS
GRUBER HILLS
PARKING VIOLATION
AMMUNITION
9MM
HOW TO KILL VAMPIRES
Is it in the middle?
Yeah, it's perfect.
I like him a lot.
It reminds me of the
view from the apartment.
We only miss the gunshots
and the sirens,
we will feel at home.
Hey, I found a great running route.
This will be perfect
for my long runs.
What is the letter?
Oh, it's HOA after all.
Surely a welcome letter.
Or a fine.
Oh, please don't start.
I'm just saying,
We've been here for a few days
and we're already receiving letters?
These people are super relaxed, okay?
The president of the HOA,
he was so cool.
Ah, the one you totally
forgot to mention?
You're still mad, aren't you?
It's just that we loved
this house so much--
Not to the point of going
through an HOA, Lucas.
I know, but I promise you
this one won't bother us.
That's 500 bales per month.
- They are building a swimming pool.
- Okay, seriously.
Hey, I did it for love, okay?
Did you want a house?
Tadaaam, we have a house.
These windows, look at these
windows. These are our windows.
We own it.
And that ceiling?
Our ceiling chalice.
It's ours.
We can knock it down if we want,
and that tree in front
is our tree, and we can
build ourselves a damn
beautiful cabin if we want.
If the HOA allows us.
Yeah, as soon as it's approved.
Hey, come on. That's incredible.
We are owners.
That's what we wanted.
Okay, yes, that's pretty incredible.
Oh, my God, you're sweating like hell.
It was nothing.
Okay, let's see what's in there.
Probably a Home-Depot gift card?
Or we have the wrong type of grass.
No, it's long fescue,
like everywhere.
Oh, my God, you're one of them.
Well, Dear Lucas and Jenny,
welcome to the neighborhood. They used
our first names.
It's very exciting.
On behalf of the Gruber Hills community,
we invite you to
our annual Equinox
celebration this evening.
You love parties!
Not with a bunch of
snooty HOA members.
Stay positive, okay?
I bet our neighbors are--
Are you waiting for someone?
No.
Lucas.
Jerry, hi, nice to see you again.
Are you settling in well?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're
almost done unpacking.
Hello, we haven't seen
each other yet. Jerry Klein.
It's my fault.
Jerry, this is my wife, Jenny.
Jenny, this is Jerry, the
president of the HOA.
Oh, so it's because
of you, such high costs.
It is necessary, to keep this
place in perfect condition.
We know. She was joking.
- No.
- Okay.
I was stopping by to make sure you received
our invitation to the party tonight.
Yes, we just opened it.
Splendid, we'll see
you at the club at seven.
We'll be there.
-Lucas.
- Rude.
- We can't wait.
- Great, it's a great party.
You could say it's to die for.
Why do you say that?
Okay, see you tonight.
FORT GRUBER
FOUNDED IN
1853 No need to be mean.
What was I supposed to
say? He was right there.
You should have said we
were tired from the move.
It's true, it would have been better, but
on the positive side, we're going
to meet our new neighbors, right?
Oh, seriously, Fort Gruber?
It's cool, right?
Every club needs a fort.
An HOA is not a club.
Disagree, and stop being a killjoy.
I hope there's alcohol.
I wouldn't count on it.
Are you a cult?
But no, it's not a sect.
WELCOME TO EQUINOX
PLEASE DONT DIE!
It's still weird, that.
It's not weird.
You haven't seen what's weird yet.
Stop it, Ted.
He likes to scare new neighbors.
Ted, and this is my wife, Annette.
I assume you just moved in.
Yesterday, in fact.
Oh, fresh meat.
Welcome to the Equinox.
- What is the Equinox?
- Oh, I know.
This is when the sun
crosses the celestial equator
and day and night last exactly
the same amount of time.
Oh, a smart one.
THANKS.
I'm very good at googling.
And right in the field.
I'll take care of it, little one.
The Equinox is a legend.
A long time ago,
the people who
lived here had a rather unique problem.
Once a year,
a portal to hell opened,
and monsters of
all kinds rushed out,
bloodthirsty and ready to kill.
So the community
built a fort on this land,
and they fought these
monsters to save this land.
Okay.
And now we get drunk and celebrate.
Are you getting drunk?
Yeah, do you want
to try my moonshine?
- Apple pie flavor.
- Please.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So say,
What really is this Equinox?
Do you know how to shoot?
Pardon ?
We always see which neighbors will last.
Good luck, kid.
Cool.
- Are you doing well ?
- It's strong.
- It'll be OK.
- It's so good.
Okay, honey, take one more sip.
Okay, everyone, gather around.
Ostia, this moonshine is amazing.
My stomach is on fire.
Good to see you, Marcus.
Leslie, thanks again
for the cheese sticks.
They are successful.
There are muscle relaxers in it.
Leslie, you're hilarious.
Thank you for coming
to Equinoxe this year.
Before we get into it,
I want to go over a few things.
Marcus, you didn't apply for
a permit for your bird feeder.
- We have to take it off.
- But I--
This is your second HOA violation.
If you get to three...
Lets try not to get to that point, eh?
Wow, they are strict here.
I think I'm a weirdo.
Then, I wanted to inform
you that we are starting
the construction of the
swimming pool next month.
Chalice, yes.
- Language.
- Sorry.
And finally, we
have new neighbors.
Welcome Lucas and Jenny.
This is their first Equinox.
Let's hope they survive.
Huh, sorry, what?
Okay, everyone, let's go.
WITCHES
Given last year, we know
we will have regulars.
Oh, Lucas, if you have any questions,
Don't be shy about asking.
Actually, yes, I have several.
As I said, we can expect
a horde of witches.
You know the routine.
Magic doesn't stop bullets!
That's it.
Magic doesn't stop bullets.
If you see witches,
bang, bang.
Next, what do we have?
Ah, yes, the werewolf.
The price of silver has risen this year.
Damn inflation.
We have a limited quantity of bullets.
I made the executive decision
to hand them over to McScruffy.
- Who ?
-McScruffy.
He's a legend around here.
Super hairy, damn it's good.
Okay.
As always, special
items will be in the trunk.
Who wants to take care of it this year?
- Ooh, him.
- What ? No.
Lucas, well done for
taking on the challenge.
I'll explain the
logistics to you later.
Great, I can't wait.
Okay, back to the table.
Look at this one.
Evil in its purest form.
The stick man.
Oh, chalice.
As far as we know, he's the
leader of the army of darkness.
If you see him, run.
No one has ever survived the Stick Man.
And there are always new
monsters, every year is a surprise!
Okay, who's ready for the draw?
- Maybe we should leave.
- But the draw.
Yes, but have you seen his drawings?
- This is really fucked up.
- Oh, whatever.
Annette, any shots?
Oh, everyone.
No, Jenny, Jenny, no, no, wait.
17, who had 17?
Whoo, me!
Congratulations, you have
won this wheeled lawn sprinkler.
And that leaves the shotgun.
Who will be the lucky winner?
Number two, who has number two?
Lucas, come here.
Whoo, it's my darling.
Congratulations, It
might just save your life.
THANKS.
- You can go back to your place.
- Great, thank you, sorry.
Well, there's about 30
minutes until the gate opens.
Relax, go and snack on something,
and make sure you use the toilet.
We don't want any accidents
again this year, do we, Ted?
It was once.
He shit himself two years ago.
Oh, you're one hell of a lucky guy.
I wanted this shotgun so bad.
- Lucas, is that it?
- Yes, that's my name.
- Do you want to exchange?
- I have a big adjustable wrench.
No, no, don't listen to
him. Keep your gun, you.
Hey, hey, hey let the guy
decide for himself, Lez.
Don't call me Lez. Would
you like it if I called you Mar?
Jenny.
Listen, it's your first
Equinox, then I will help you.
I'm going to the bathroom
to take a line of coke.
Do you want to come?
It will relax you.
No, I'm correct.
Sissy.
I'll snorkel with you, Lez.
Shut up, Mar.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm not a fan of coke.
Well, I have other stock.
- Meth, are you a fan of meth?
- No.
Chum, mushrooms, acid.
What's going on?
Crack, weed, more coke,
screen cleaner.
I smoked nutmeg
with my cousin once.
Loser, you won't survive.
Good luck tonight, virgin.
- Actually, I'm not a virgin.
- You're a virgin.
Chalice.
- A real suburban guy.
- Ostia.
Jerry, you made
me do it in my pants.
Language.
Yes, I'm really sorry.
Abandon the city, move
to the suburbs, settle down.
It's big.
Yes, it was the right time.
The city was great for our 20s,
but I felt ready
for the next step.
And Jenny, do you think she's ready?
Yes of course.
She's a little defensive
today, but she'll be okay.
She has this crazy
idea that HOAs are bad.
Bad ?
We're not bad. We fight evil.
- Exactly, about that.
- Oh, yes, the trunk.
Depending on the monster, I will tell
you which weapon is the most effective.
You take it from the trunk and
take it to McScruffy, capisce?
Okay, so that's...
A joke or something
to scare the new neighbors?
That's to say ?
Jerry, you need to watch this.
There's something moving out there.
But no,
We must have 15 minutes left.
I'll come back. Try the
cheese sticks, they're killer.
You know, Annette, I have to tell you, I
really wasn't looking
forward to this party,
but you made me change my mind,
and I don't
want to jinx that, but this
HOA might not be so bad.
Excuse me.
Did I hear that correctly?
Tell no one.
This evening is really weird.
Chalice, everyone in position!
It's early!
Get into position, quickly!
Chalice, calice, calice, it's
the biggest one I've ever seen.
- Language.
- Shut the fuck up, Ted!
Remove the safety catch,
what a fool!
It's time to fight.
Where is McScruffy?
He's going to be there.
Go, you two, to the windows.
At the windows?
Lucas?
What is this?
They are coming.
Where is McScruffy?
Ostia.
Witches.
What is this?
We crown our camp here!
Silence !
McScruffy.
Nobody comes out of here.
There is only one thing to do.
We have to--
Safety first.
WELCOME TO EQUINOX
PLEASE DONT DIE!
- Welcome to the Equinox.
- Don't die.
Come on, guys!
Come on, you people, tabarnak!
Magic doesn't stop bullets!
Lucas, do your part.
Jenny, take this.
Oh, chalice.
Sorry
Come on, you have to help them.
You just said we have to
leave. What are you doing?
Ostia of crisse.
Ostia of crisse.
Eat hot lead.
Has anyone ordered
the broom service?
That's what I want!
What just happened?
Thank God you arrived.
We couldn't have done
it without you, Scruff.
What is this?
You have to toughen up, my
guy. It was just the beginning.
- The beginning?
- Has it started?
Scruff, are you correct?
- Ouch, my leg!
- Ostia of crisse.
It's not good.
Who gave this kid a gun?
- He won it in the draw.
- In the draw?
Don't worry, I'm a nurse.
It's not that serious.
It's just a scratch.
I need something to bandage him.
Just breathe.
It's going to hurt.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
- Damn, Lucas.
- Yeah, damn it, Lucas.
No, no, it was an accident.
It just... it just went away.
If you had been at the window helping us,
this wouldn't have happened.
What are you... No, no, no.
- Sorry, McShaft.
-McScruffy.
Tell me what the
hell is going on here!
Because there's guts
and shit all over my face,
and were those witches' chalices?
They were witches' chalices.
- I can't breathe.
- It's okay, Ted.
I can't breathe.
Calm down.
Breathe.
You are correct.
It's good.
It's all in the butter.
Ew, you got a bit of
someone's brains in there.
Slowly, you're correct.
Breathe.
Okay, what are we confused about?
Of everything.
You've heard of the legend, right?
Yes, Ted mentioned business.
Well, once a year,
This portal opens,
and we have to kill what comes out
otherwise they will
destroy the neighborhood.
Pretty standard HOA business.
High costs,
It's for balls and all.
Half the money goes
to fixing up that place.
It's clear ?
No,
why would anyone want to live here?
We have a swimming pool.
This guy exploded on me.
Okay, people don't die that often.
McScruffy was late,
the gate opened early.
It's just one of those years.
You are crazy.
You are all fools.
Jenny, hey, Jenny, come
on, we're leaving here.
Lucas.
What, Jenny, come now.
We should stay.
- They need us.
- About us?
There is always one. Some
people don't know how to manage.
Sissy.
It's clear they don't want me.
Fuck off, city boy.
I need you.
Plus, you're in charge of the safe.
Besides, that makes me think.
I need to pass on some
logistical details to you.
Oh, hey, are you okay, buddy?
Yeah, I'm correct.
- Ostia.
- Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
My body is heavy
but it feels good.
Are you sick?
Did you drink enough water?
A gallon a day, old girl.
- Don't call me that.
- Sorry.
Okay, is this your sugar?
Have you eaten?
I ate like seven cheese sticks.
- What did you do?
- I ate seven cheese sticks.
- Did you eat seven?
- Maybe eight.
- Oh, he's fucked.
- For what ?
What do they have, cheese sticks?
We're supposed to eat one each.
For what ?
I told you, there are
muscle relaxers in it.
Why do calice cheese sticks
have muscle relaxers in them?
It helps you relax.
You don't know what that means, I think.
I feel like a cloud.
Chalice, we have movement.
Oh, come on, help me
get him to the window.
Try not to shoot
anyone this time, Luc-ass.
Go, go, go, Jerry.
- Okay, okay.
- Cursed!
- Let's go.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Okay.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, chalice.
- No, it's okay. I see the same thing.
Stay with me, stay with me.
Hey, he's losing too much blood.
What, what's going on?
You, keep an eye on the window.
Come on, McScruffy.
Come on, boy.
Don't go unconscious. Come on.
Broom service.
Is he still breathing?
He's still breathing, he
just doesn't really answer.
Oh, chalice.
You blew it, kid.
And watch the gate.
Something just came out of the portal.
Describe it!
Three floating silver orbs.
Orbs?
Yeah, I don't know, man.
They just look like gray circles.
Kung fu spirits.
Everyone down!
Chalice, come on.
Yo, bird, are you okay, man?
Everyone, I need you to
listen to me very carefully.
Oh my God.
Listen, whatever you do,
Don't let them bite you.
Eh ?
Stay calm.
Lucas, bring back the peach
wood sword from the chest.
Lucas!
Lucas!
No, chalice of chalice, man.
It's time for the big wrench!
Adjustable wrench, big adjustable wrench!
Big wrench!
We have them.
Oh, chalice, run!
Someone turn me around!
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
I'm correct.
Big adjustable wrench,
big wrench, whoo!
Leslie, no!
Big wrench!
Lez, are you okay?
Talk to me!
You could have been my plan B!
What do we do?
Are we shooting at them?
Sorry, neighbors.
Light them up.
I thought magic
didn't stop bullets!
Kung fu isn't magic!
Criss Ostia!
Lucas, the trunk, you
have to use the sword!
Course !
- Lucas!
- Am I talking to you alone here?
Annette, Jenny, take
Jerry and go to the closet.
I'll get McScruffy.
Come on, come on!
No, we need the sword, chalice!
- You succeeded.
- You left me!
No, I said class.
Oh, cheers, Teddy!
The door!
Can someone straighten me out,
please?
Is he still breathing?
Yeah, yeah, but it's slow.
- Ted, we have to hurry.
- Hello, hello, yes, hello, hello.
I'm at the Gruber Hills club.
There was an attack and we, hello?
Hello, chalice!
Hello, hello, yes, This is
the Gruber Hills club, hello?
It won't work.
Yeah, they hang up on me.
- What is that?
- Listen to me.
- Give me that.
- It won't work.
The police don't come here.
What do you mean?
Didnt you read anything
in your HOA contract?
What, the, the contract?
I looked through it.
Lord, help me, I'm
going to give him a crack!
Calm down, Teddy.
Don't get too angry.
Remember, your IBS.
Ostia de crisse, baby,
it's his fault.
My fault?
Kiss my ass.
It's not my fault, okay?
It's you people who are
hiding this carnival ostie.
That was all in the HOA contract.
The HOA contract?
Shut the fuck up!
These people are all
dead because of you.
Oh, chalice.
Okay, that was a bit of an exaggeration.
It was an accident.
Everyone knows the risks.
And we don't have time to argue.
- Why aren't the police coming?
- Long story.
Fully described in the contract.
Yes, thank you, Ted.
Very summarized version:
the government
initially tried to make
us leave when they
discovered the portal, but we
made a deal with them to stay.
So now we can live here,
but we're our own mini-county.
This is why there
is no property tax.
Chalice yes.
It's worth it, what with the
hell portal and everything?
After the first year,
we hired McScruffy.
We've had just one death since then,
and it's definitely worth it
for the good mortgage price,
but then we're all going to die,
so maybe not.
With that attitude, that's for sure.
Sorry, Jeremy.
Let's get back to the problem at hand.
As I shouted to you earlier,
Kung fu spirits can only
be killed by stabbing
them with peach wood.
Luckily, we have a peach
wood sword in the trunk.
- What is peach wood?
- It's wood from a peach tree.
Logic.
But why not oak or pine?
It's old Taoist magic.
Oh, my God, we don't have time.
You have to go get the sword.
We must kill these chalices
before the next ones arrive.
Best idea:
we stay here safe.
No way.
The longer we wait,
more monsters will appear.
Something is going to break
down this door eventually and kill us.
Okay, let's get the sword then.
Yeah, great plan, except
you forget something.
Who will stab the spirits?
McScruffy is completely out of the game.
Me.
I'll get the sword. I'm
going to kill these spirits.
I'm the one who fucked up.
It's the least I can do.
- Pantoute.
- No, I'm serious.
- Do you believe it?
- Hey, I'm serious.
You wouldn't have two seconds
out there. We need a real plan.
Lucas is actually really fast.
He can get there.
You speak.
What's your mile time?
- Four forty-seven.
- Yeah, it's pretty fast.
It's settled, then.
Lucas, we're counting on you.
I'll go with you
to distract them.
Thanks, Ted.
I'm not doing it for you.
I don't trust you're not
going to try to leave.
Teamwork, I like that.
Jenny, you're watching the door.
Here we go.
A sip for luck?
I love you, my wife.
I thought you were
right behind me, I swear.
Yeah, that's correct.
Just be careful.
Lightning McQueen, let's go.
Ooh, kashow.
Where are they?
Oh, great.
Not terrifying at all.
Jenny, take one of
McScruffy's guns and cover us.
Come on, city guy,
let's get this sword.
Now that we're here,
maybe we shouldn't.
Okay.
Can I have a gun?
Absolutely not.
Move.
Swarm.
Jesus.
Sorry, sorry, it's my fault.
I almost lost my pants.
Sorry.
Oh my God.
What does it look like?
It looks like a thick
wooden sword shell.
Like a technical name or something.
A technical name?
There's fog.
What ?
It looks like fog
creeping across the floor.
He is there.
Who ?
Jenny, what are you doing?
Chalice!
Swarm and find this sword.
Uh, Ted.
Chalice, Lucas, take the sword.
- Luke?
- Yeah, I'm looking, okay?
-Lucas.
- I'm looking.
Oh, I have it.
What is this?
Chalice, Lucas, start stabbing
these ostie sons of bitches.
Cheers, Jenny!
Let me in!
Jenny, Jenny, come on.
Jenny, let me in,
let me in.
I try. Its stuck!
Jenny, there are kung fu
zombie calices outside! Let me in!
Chalice, everyone back off!
- Oh boy.
- Fuck off, the door!
Oh my God !
Jenny!
- Lucas!
- Chalice, Chalice, Chalice, Chalice, Chalice!
- The sword!
- Chalice, Chalice, Chalice, Chalice.
Lucas, use the sword chalice!
The toilets!
Oh my God.
Ostia, what was that?
You have to use the
sword, it's the only way.
I tried, it didn't work.
You have to aim for the heart.
Yeah, okay, yeah, okay.
Logic.
Oh, I need to sit down.
I catch my breath.
Cardio ostia.
Oh, chalice.
When I catch my breath, we're
going to go back out there.
I'll give you an opening,
and you stab, okay?
How about we just stay here?
No, we can't.
If another monster shows up,
We're so fucked up,
and I don't want to die tonight.
Chalice, we need McScruffy.
Listen, I'm really sorry.
I really screwed it up.
If I had been at the window like you
say, I wouldn't have shot McScruffy.
If you had read the contract.
Yeah, that too.
Chalice... and here we
are hidden in a toilet.
We're going to go back out there and
kill our neighbors
with a wooden sword.
Life is funny sometimes, huh?
Let me give you some advice, kid.
Life is going to throw a
bunch of shit in your face.
You can plan and you can prepare,
but eventually,
something will hit you,
and when it happens,
you will have a choice to make.
Do I let myself be kissed by life,
or am I fucking life in return?
Really weird analogy.
I need you to be strong.
Jenny needs you to be strong.
The HOA needs you to be strong.
But I'm afraid.
And me no?
What does this have to do with fear?
I'm talking about strength.
This is your moment.
Show what you're all about.
Prove me wrong, Lucas.
Show me you're
not a selfish bastard.
Okay.
Don't just say okay.
Believe it, really.
Yeah, you're right.
I hear you.
That's it.
If you run again, I swear to
you that I will kill you myself.
- Okay.
- It's massive.
Come on, let's kick the shit
out of these kung fu minds.
Wait.
Wait what? It was a
great motivational speech.
Leslie's coke.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Draw a line, go all out,
and go kill zombies.
What ? No, what?
It's a stimulant.
I know.
That's what I--
Oh, you think...?
Maybe.
Maybe.
We need to find McScruffy now!
There, that should help a little.
Any news?
It still doesn't move.
If I added...
What was that?
Jerry, they haven't come back yet.
Don't panic.
It'll be OK.
Jenny, I need you to
reload McScruffy's Glocks.
Reload, why...?
Quickly !
Come on, Lucas, where are you?
How do you get the ammo thing out?
The little button, the button on the side!
Lord, help me.
I'll create an opening
and you stab, okay?
Understood.
Don't let me go, city boy,
okay? You have to be strong.
- Here we go.
- Let's go for it, baby.
It doesn't work!
Put your heart into it!
I'm putting some on!
Criss Ostia!
Hold it there!
It's in my mouth.
Chalice yes, again.
- Again !
- I don't see anything.
Lucas!
Why is it starting again?
- Reset!
- I try!
There, Lucas!
Glasses, chalice!
Ready !
Sorry, Leslie, it was the rest
of us who dealt the final blow.
Ostia.
Well done, city guy.
-Teddy?
- Annette?
Take this to McScruffy.
- But and --
- Do it.
I'll take care of the dog.
Come on, Clifford.
We dance.
Well, with bare hands, first.
Is that all you got?
- Werewolf!
- I know !
Jenny, swarm!
Chalice.
How many balls?
Don't fill it!
What are you doing?
Come on, walk.
Walk, walk, walk, walk.
Ted!
Jenny, swarm!
I try. I've never done this before.
Come on. Chalice, come on!
Fuck off, the furry doggie!
Get your paws off my wife, you--
I have it!
Is he dead?
No, he's alive.
He's panicking, I think.
Bang!
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to leave you.
No, no, no, that's correct.
You're safe, that's the main thing.
Teddy, Teddy.
I love you, Annette.
I love you too.
Hang in there.
You need to hold on.
It's going to be okay,
it's going to be okay.
I got fooled, huh?
Hey, kid,
It's another one of those...
moments.
Oh, I love you, Annette.
Teddy, you can't.
Teddy, you can't.
You can't, you can't.
Teddy, wait.
No, oh no!
I love you, Teddy.
Teddy! Teddy, no! Teddy!
Baby, no. Teddy!
Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, please.
Teddy, please, Teddy.
Teddy?
Chalice, Annette, step back!
Lucas, do something!
Let her go!
Don't force me to use it!
Lucas!
Don't let me go, city boy.
It's time to be strong.
It wasn't Ted.
You know it wasn't Ted.
I'm not crying.
I'm just, I'm allergic to blood.
Yeah, me too.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I really screwed up. I
really screwed up, Jenny.
We shouldn't be here.
We shouldn't have even moved here,
you didn't even want an HOA.
You couldn't have predicted that.
I could have listened to you.
You know, I could have listened to you,
and we wouldn't even be there tonight.
It's true.
Did you know that Annette's moonshine has
just been accepted for distribution?
It will be available across
the country in a few months.
Jerry knew people
who pulled strings.
What are you talking about?
And Marcus, he gave
free oil changes to
everyone in the neighborhood,
like this.
Annette told me that Ted ran an
adult T-ball league in the neighborhood.
T-ball for adults?
Yeah, just an excuse to drink.
Jenny, what are you doing?
I'm just saying they really
had a family feel here.
And in other circumstances,
I think we would have
been really happy here.
Jenny, you don't need to
try to make me feel better.
I don't do it.
I just want you to know
that I don't blame you for this.
It's not your fault.
Hey, Jenny?
Yeah.
I don't want us to die.
We're not going to die.
Just stop being a killjoy.
Annette, we need to move.
Another wave is coming.
What's the point?
I have a plan.
It's crazy, but it's a plan.
I don't think Teddy would have
wanted us to give up without a fight.
What is the motto?
Welcome to the Equinox.
Don't die.
Thanks, I'm finally
starting to feel my fingers.
Look at this.
I got you, sweetie.
I'll punch you later.
Jenny, anything?
Nothing, it's quiet.
Okay, what is this plan?
Well, you know how we're
always on the defensive, right?
We still protect the club
from monsters, yeah?
Yeah.
So let's flip that. We're
going on the offensive.
Okay, okay, so we attack the monsters.
Not the monsters.
We attack the portal.
And how do we do that?
Are we getting drunk?
This moonshine is--
190 guaranteed,
aka flammable in calice.
Okay, so we set the gate on fire?
We fight fire with fire.
It just makes more fire.
We're not going to burn them.
We're going to send these
monster chalices to hell.
Uh, will it work?
Maybe, 70-30.
70 that it works where...?
We fill this thing up, we
push it in, boom calice.
Okay, and to get there, we...
We run.
You mean I run.
Are you good with that?
We have movement.
What is Chalice?
What do you see?
I don't know, a bird,
maybe a bat?
What is-- ?
I have heard legends
about them, kamikaze bats.
It's time to put
the plan into action.
Annette, fill that thing up!
Jenny, get off as many of these
chalices as possible before they arrive!
Lucas, relax.
Wait!
McScruffy.
You'll need an extra blanket.
I'm coming with you.
Are you okay, Scruff?
Bang.
That's enough.
Lucas, just keep busy running.
McScruffy will have your back.
Jenny, you get out of here.
And Jerry, you stay there.
You don't have to be an idiot.
Understood, chalice.
Okay, let's go.
Wait, I just mean--
Jenny, we don't have time.
I'm glad we moved here.
I love you.
I love you too.
Bang.
Don't worry, Scruff.
We're going to do it.
Lucas, quickly!
Oh, chalice, it's true.
Let's go.
RE-ELECT JERRY KLEIN
PRESIDENT OF HOA GRUBER HILLS
- Chalice!
- What ?
They fell!
What ?
McScruffy, push!
Come on, chalice!
Whose idea was it
to tie us up with tape?
Roll to the left.
Right, sorry.
It's time to check
your attitude.
McScruffy, the moonshine.
It doesn't work!
There are too many.
Jenny, we have a problem.
Yeah, I know!
No, I mean... chalice.
Chalice, come on!
Ostia shit!
How do you tear tape?
Combat knife, left ankle!
What is this?
Chalice.
Good kill, monster kill.
Scruff, it's empty.
We just have one option there.
Did you have this all this time?
It's dangerous.
Take me to the gate.
Oh, chalice. Oh, chalice. Oh, chalice.
Oh, chalice, oh, chalice, oh, chalice.
There is something here.
Something hit my butt!
Jerry!
This is the...
I don't like it.
I don't like scary stuff.
NOT ABOVE 70 DEGREES
Annette, run!
You took my Teddy.
It's time to reap what you sow!
Take that, you Nazgul!
Annette!
No !
What was that?
Course !
How do we take that away from you?
You can't.
No, there must be a seam.
- We don't have time.
- No, I can cut it for you.
Listen !
It's your HOA now, McStubble.
McWhat?
I'll cover you, run!
No, McScruffy, I can't just--
I'm already dead.
Go ahead!
- What are you doing?
- Go ahead!
Make us proud, McStubble.
Ostia, ostia, ostia,
ostia, ostia, ostia!
I guess you could
say I left with a...
McScruffy!
Lucas!
Jenny!
Oh, my God, it was so scary.
Jerry, you're alive!
Where am I?
Where was I?
I surrounded my flame!
You're okay, you're okay.
Breathe, breathe,
you're at the club.
Oh, thank goodness.
The smell was horrible.
This man touched me with his affair.
You are correct.
I want to go home.
Okay, Jerry.
ONE YEAR LATER Well,
maybe just a little
bit on that side?
Yeah.
Hello, are you settling in well?
Yeah, they're almost done.
I was just stopping by to invite
you to a party at the club tonight.
It's a small annual affair,
organized by the HOA.
A party?
- Chalice, yeah.
- Fantastic.
I'll see you at seven sharp.
Oh, McScrappy, you're drooling.
Shall we go to the fort?
Let's go, and they're lucky,
It's just a party this year.
Otherwise, maybe McStubble
should have made an appearance.
Oh.
I still don't believe that nickname.
No, he actually said
it. It just grows blonde.
And that grass?
Shall we send a letter?
I thought the same thing.
They've been here for
what, barely a week?
The effrontery.
Okay, guys, be nice.
Oh, Derek, the cellar
is back from vacation.
Let's go!
What is Leslie doing?
Drugs, she does drugs.
I still don't really believe
he really called you that.
Sorry.
Okay, everyone, gather around.
Come on !
Welcome to TED Talks!
Ooh, I was trying to hold my breath.
It was incredible.
Bang!
Okay, cut.