Hole in One (2010) Movie Script
(GOLF CLUB WHOOSHING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
TYLER: The shaft's a bit longer on this one,
so just give it some room to breathe.
(EXCLAIMING)
Man down.
Ah, Mark, whatever.
He can take a shot to the head.
- Big Dog eats good.
- Sweet.
Seriously, man. You've got more
natural talent than anyone I've ever seen.
I mean, in a few years from now,
people are gonna be like, "Tiger who?"
- Hey, guys.
- You got everything we need?
I do. Your future is in my hands.
Hey, excuse me.
How would you like a PAHR T-shirt?
Number one up-and-coming
golf apparel company in the U.S.
Sure.
(GASPS)
Oh.
Thanks.
No, no, thank you.
- How did you do that?
- That was pimp.
Shit. I needed that shirt for the presentation.
- Oh, is that today?
- We're headed over there right now.
- Nice.
- We're gonna blow them away, all right?
PAHR is up and running, making a profit.
And we just stole Nike away
from Ash-Whole.
- Seriously? Nice. All right.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Right on.
- Hey, wait a minute.
E, don't you have English Lit?
Uh...
Yeah, sort of.
- Had a little problem with his professor.
- What problem?
He slept with her.
You slept with Mrs Watley?
- No.
- Now she keeps calling him.
- (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Eric, Eric."
- It wasn't my fault, though.
We were in an elevator together
and there was porno music playing...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Is that...
I think so.
(BELL RINGING)
(MOANING)
You're my hero.
Your old man is gonna kill you when
he finds out you've been ditching classes.
Uh-uh. That's why we're gonna make sure
he doesn't find out.
Besides, once I pull a Bobby Jones,
he's gonna forget all about it.
It won't even matter.
Wait, an amateur is not gonna win
the US Open again.
It's been 80 years.
I think it's time. My time.
Get out of the way.
My time.
(GROANS) Son of a...
Oh, yeah!
I do like this club. Can I keep this?
- Hey, Sis.
- Hey, Ty.
Hey, Eric.
Hey, Mandy.
I haven't seen you on campus much lately.
Yeah, well, you know.
Too many beers need drinking.
And too many girls that need loving.
And night after night
I sit in my dorm all alone.
Well, you know,
I'm working my way over there.
I need this for the presentation.
Okay.
- Come on, Jason, let's go. Go.
- But I was just hanging out...
- Good luck.
- Later, man.
See you, guys. Oh, hey, are you going
to the Delta Tau party tonight?
(SHUSHING)
What?
Stay focused. I'll call you later.
Where you going? Class?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Mind if I walk you?
- Sure.
So, where is this party?
I'm gonna take a shot in the dark
and say that Ty doesn't want his little sister
at a frat party.
(SCOFFS) He doesn't run my life.
I'm 18 now, I can do what I want.
- All right, well...
- You know I'll find out where it is anyway.
He's gonna come after me with a five iron
if he finds out I'm the one who told you.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hold on a second. Sorry.
Hey.
Yo, E.
I got a live one here.
What's his handi?
He thinks he's an eight.
Yeah? And he's looking for some action?
FERGUS: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get down here now, man.
All right.
I gotta jet. I got a fish on the hook.
There's gotta be a better way
to make money.
No, I gotta hustle every cent I can.
Maybe I should just sell my body for sex.
- In that case...
- No, no, no, no, no.
Your money is no good here.
I'll toss you one on the house.
Yeah. First taste is free,
after that it's gonna cost you.
(LAUGHS) Oh, jeez.
All right. Go to class, you.
- See you at the party later?
- We'll see. We'll see.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(GROANING)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
- He's good.
- Yeah.
- He's real good.
- Yeah.
You can't even tell that he's holding back.
He's cocky enough to take us on?
Oh, yeah.
He'll take us both on.
Perfect.
Oh.
You're gonna need an eagle to win, kid.
Good luck.
It's a short par four.
You wanna raise the bet?
To $600? (LAUGHS)
I love it.
It's rough.
Okay.
What a lucky-ass shot.
I'd rather be lucky than good.
FERGUS: Ouch.
ARNIE: Son of a bitch!
FERGUS: That's gotta hurt.
(SNIFFING)
- Thank you.
- Find me more. Find me more.
(FAST MUSIC PLAYING)
Come on, dance, pretty girl.
(WHOOPING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Mr Eric P. Keller. How you doing?
Not much, just enjoying a wonderful
little jaunt in my luxurious automobile.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, so, about that vehicle.
You about ready to turn it over to me yet?
You ready to go hump your cousin?
Oh. Now, now, see, there you go.
We were having ourselves
a nice little conversation
and you had to go and mess it up
by being all rude.
Somebody better learn you
some manners, boy.
Yeah, you know, I blame my parents.
Maybe my mom didn't hug me enough
or something, I'm not sure.
What about you? I bet you breastfed
till you were 21, didn't you?
I breast-feed every day, you little nubber.
Let's not bring your folks into this, okay?
'Cause I just talked to your pappy
and he seems like a real stand-up guy.
Why would you talk to my dad?
The car's in my name.
'Cause I was looking for you, son.
He told me you was off at school.
Say, tell me this.
You got them palm trees out there
in San Diego, don't you?
What's the matter?
Cat got your tongue?
You seem surprised, Eric.
I think you underestimated me, boy.
I can track a rabbit
through ten miles of horseshit.
You think I can't find you?
No, you know what? I'm sure you can.
I'm sure you can.
You know what? You're probably
triangulating my phone signal right now
with a pitchfork and a dowsing rod.
You make all the fun you want to,
monkey boy,
but that vehicle is gonna be mine.
All right, Mr Crazy-Ass Repo Man,
I gotta take off.
Listen, it's been real.
I hope to run into you real soon.
Yeah, you can bet on it.
(SINGING) Here, kitty, kitty
Won't you be my kitty cat
ROMAN: That's him, the wonder boy.
Mr Scratch Golfer.
That's the little punk.
CARLTON: He made a deuce
on the 18th at Cliffside.
- Like he was doing it in his sleep.
- ROMAN: He's costing us money.
- Don't worry about a thing, Roman.
- We've got it covered.
ROMAN: All right.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (EXCLAIMING)
- Wakes you up, doesn't it?
- I like it.
- Yeah, hey, Dad.
- DOUG: Hey, Eric.
- What's up?
- You need something? What's up?
- Nothing. Just studying.
- Studying, huh?
Yeah. Hey, listen. Did some guy call you
from the car dealership?
Someone called my secretary.
What's up about that?
No, no, everything's cool. Everything's cool.
- There's some kind of recall on the brakes.
- Really?
I don't know, they've been squealing,
making all kinds of noise.
It sounds like an anvil
squashing a sack of kittens.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Hot.
He's got, like, those arms that are...
Oh, my God.
So, he really didn't like it, huh?
Are you even listening to me, man?
He didn't just "not like it", all right?
Hey, hey, hey. He fucking hated it.
So what, dude? Who cares what he thinks?
His buy-in would've made it a lot easier
to win over my old man.
Yeah, but who cares? You're living proof
that the class doesn't mean shit!
You're out there doing it in the real world.
Well, that's it.
I'm taking a page out of your book.
I'm dropping out
and running PAHR full-time.
- Come on. What?
- You said it yourself.
We're making it happen.
I just need to focus on the business
and quit this useless school crap.
You're insane. You're a madman.
You're one to talk, elevator man.
Hey, you guys.
Let's go get some tits on tape.
Go with him. Keep an eye on him.
Out of the three of us, he's the only one
that even stands a chance of graduating.
Let's go.
Ladies, who wants to
make a mistake tonight?
Gross.
Take that.
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
- Hey, what's your name?
- Mandy.
Mandy, if I told you, you had a rocking body,
would you hold it against me?
Thanks.
I love this dress.
(WHISPERING)
What did you say to her?
Who? Oh, her?
I may have mentioned that
you used to be a dude.
What?
It's believable.
You got like a really chiselled jaw line,
well-defined traps, nice bone structure...
Yeah.
So what about these?
Oh, those?
Those can be faked.
- Really?
- I read an article about it.
So you can tell the difference?
Oh, yeah, I've got mad skills.
- I bet you do.
- Yeah.
Of course, I have to conduct
a full visual exam
before we can begin
the physical portion of the exam.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I told you I would make my way here.
Yeah, I knew you would.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
- You wanna dance?
- Sure.
- With me?
- Yeah.
What the hell is she doing here?
I told you not to tell her about it.
She found it herself, man.
I was just telling her that
she should probably...
I can speak for myself.
If I want to be at a party, Ty,
I can be at a party.
No, you can't, all right?
You're leaving.
Go. I'm serious, go.
I'll deal with you later.
Get off of me.
Tough break, man. Tough break.
You shouldn't mess with
your best friend's sister.
I was just trying to keep her out of trouble.
Yeah, right.
Speaking of trouble,
I think she's looking to get into some.
Yeah, I think she's looking at you, Mark.
No way, she's all about the E-dog.
Plus, I don't dig on the ginger.
I've got my eyes on that one.
Mmm-mmm. Too young.
Hey, you know what they say,
"If there's grass on the field, play ball."
I don't even think there's grass on that field.
Well, then I'll play in the dirt.
You're a sick guy, Mark.
A sick son of a bitch indeed.
Go get her, E-dog.
You're welcome!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Okay.
Will you stop?
- No, you always do this stuff to me.
- Do what?
You need to stop this, Ty.
One of these days you're going to have to
let me grow up on my own.
He's my best friend, Mandy.
No. It's just a little too weird for me,
all right?
Besides,
you don't know him like I do, all right?
He's not the kind of guy
you want to be dating.
He's never been anything
but sweet and nice to me.
Come on. This isn't high school any more,
all right?
He's changed.
So have I.
And so have I.
Maybe I know what's best for me.
(GRUNTS)
TYLER: Come on.
Stop.
How about instead of mooning over Eric,
you come spend some time with me?
Your big bro.
- Okay.
- Okay.
But you're not Dad, you know. You can't
solve all problems with an ice cream cone.
Really?
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right.
Bye.
And put some clothes on!
Good night.
Cover this. Not good hanging out.
Sleep.
(WOMAN MOANING)
(GASPING)
(BOTH MOANING)
Oh, shit!
You, give me your shirt.
Wait a minute.
You can take my pants, too,
if you want them.
WOMAN: Harder! Harder!
Check these out.
Come on.
Nice. How much those set us back?
Too much.
But it's all gonna be worth it, man.
It's a huge break getting this spread.
If you say so, man.
If I say so?
How do you think thousands of pro shops
across America
decide what clothes to put on their racks?
Golf Journal fall clothing edition!
We shoot the whole thing on Wednesday.
- Dude.
- What's up, guys?
JASON: Guess who brought pizza?
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Sis.
Pizza dude!
Move over.
- Want some?
- No, thanks.
Did your brother tell you
he's dropping out of school?
You're dropping out of school?
And you have the nerve to tell me
what I should and shouldn't do?
That's different, all right? No.
I have PAHR now, all right? It's my life.
School's just getting in the way.
What are you gonna tell Mom and Dad?
Mom and Dad don't need to know right now.
Guys, guys, guys, look! Check this out!
This is my favourite commercial of all time.
This is my favourite part. I love this chick.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV)
(MIMICKING) "But I have a big golf game
in two days.
"Will I be able to play after the procedure?"
"Of course, you will."
Yay!
(EXCLAIMS)
(EXCLAIMS)
MANDY: What's that?
It's a DVD I made of the party yesterday.
Anything good?
Check it out.
I spent all night cutting it myself.
Good. I want to see what Ty made me miss.
Yo, partner! Come here. Come on, man.
- What do you think?
- ERIC: I don't know.
I don't look so good in black.
You can see my flakes.
- This part's really cool.
- Are they...
(BOTH MOANING)
- Dude, did you film people screwing?
- Oh, yeah.
MARK: Awesome!
They didn't even know you were there?
No way. I was in the shadows, hiding.
Dude, your camera's all messed up.
This guy is all green.
That's body paint, man.
Body paint?
Who wears paint when they're doing it?
It looks like Oscar the Grouch
is ploughing Elmo.
JASON: (LAUGHING)
It does kind of look like that.
Freaks.
I prefer blue myself.
I bet you do, freak.
Yo, E-dog. Check this out.
Jason filmed a porno.
MAN ON TV:...Big Dog to eat. (BARKING)
God, this dialogue sucks.
This guy sounds like he has a small dick.
That guy sounds a lot like Eric.
Bullshit.
(MAN MOANING)
- Give me the remote.
- No. This is my first film.
- WOMAN ON TV: Give it to me, Big Dog Eric.
- Give me the remote.
Give it to me!
What? This is my film. My big debut.
I'm a filmmaker.
(BARKING)
(TV SWITCHING OFF)
Is that you on there?
No. Come on, are you crazy? Of course not.
Tyler, do you even want your sister
seeing this crap, man?
- Dude, is that paint on your back?
- ERIC: No! Uh-uh.
Nope, it's not.
No, it's guacamole. I can explain that!
I can explain that.
Don't bother.
Wait, wait, wait, Mandy, Mandy.
Come on.
What's the big deal?
Of course you side with him.
That's what you guys always do.
Stick together.
Great job, Eric. Real good.
What did I do?
I don't know. Could it be the part
where you told my sister
I was dropping out of school?
Or the part where you screwed another girl
in front of my sister?
Yeah, well, I'm not the one who filmed it.
That was numb-nuts over here.
Hey, I didn't know it was you. I mean, I was...
Who goes around filming people
screwing anyway, you fucking pervert?
- Hey, man, can I borrow that?
- JASON: Yeah, sure.
- No!
- No.
TYLER: See, Eric?
It's shit like this
why I don't let you go out with my sister.
You'd break her heart,
and then I'd have to kill you, all right?
If she goes and tells my parents
that I'm dropping out of school,
I'm screwed.
I still don't know what I did.
TYLER: You never do.
Face it, man.
All you care about is a set of tits.
- What else would you guys like?
- I'd like to get under that skirt.
Sorry. There's only room
for one ass in this skirt.
(ALL SNICKERING)
I like her style.
Yeah, I see a bright future with you and her.
Later in your room.
So what's the deal, man?
You want to date Mandy or what?
I don't know. Ty will kick my ass.
Yeah, but do you like her?
Yeah, she's an amazing little hottie.
She's smart, and fun, and hot.
Yeah, and?
That's the problem.
I can't just stop banging
a bunch of different girls
and just bang one girl, you know?
I see a hot girl and I have to have her.
It's bigger than me.
Yeah, but it might be different
when you're with Mandy. You don't know.
No, it won't.
It won't. Trust me, dude. I can't control it.
Sure you can.
How? With castration?
Have you tried punching your balls a lot?
No, dude. I got it.
Next time you see a hot girl
and you start getting
all hot and bothered by her,
just picture her taking a shit, man.
One of those nasty ones, too. You know,
when she's all pushing and grunting, like...
(GRUNTS)
Then all of a sudden...
Just splatters the porcelain.
You're an idiot.
Yeah? Do you still
wanna bang the waitress?
No, as a matter of fact,
I can say that I don't at the moment.
See? You're cured.
Ta-da!
You can thank me later, bro.
As for me,
I'd still bang the waitress.
I don't care
if she drops a deuce in my mouth.
- Yeah, not hungry any more.
- Neither am I, man.
Pussies.
Thanks, fellows, for ruining
my favourite place to eat. Appreciate it.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Fergus, what's up?
Dude, I've got two doctors. It's all set up.
Cash buffet.
They're leaving a trail of money, dude.
Okay, cool, I'm on my way.
All right. If you'll excuse me, gentlemen,
I have some business to attend to.
You're gonna go let the Big Dog eat, Eric?
Big Dog gonna eat good?
(BARKING)
Go feed the dog, Eric.
He doesn't like me.
Nice one there, Carlton.
If I've told you once, I've told you
a thousand times to keep your head down.
You're one to talk. With your side to side,
it's like you're swinging a machete.
Maybe I am.
ERIC: (SOFTLY) Damn it.
(LAUGHS) Well, now there's a nice swing.
Hey, Carlton, I bet you 100 bucks
that you can't hit one 200 yards.
CARLTON: It's just money.
Make it $200 and you're on.
Fine, you're on.
Watch and learn.
(SIGHS)
Easy come, easy go.
It's a pleasure doing business with you, sir.
Who thinks they can do 250?
- Thanks for coming by on such short notice.
- No worries.
I know what it's like to be stressed
and need a little release. (GIGGLING)
Let go.
Hey, and stop worrying about Mandy, okay?
- She's just growing up.
- Thanks.
I doubt she'd go to my parents,
but you never know what a girl will do
when she gets all emo.
Well, the main target of her rage
is gonna be Eric, right?
Good. Maybe it'll put an end
to her whole childish crush.
I doubt it.
He's gonna crash and burn.
And we women, oh, we love that.
I'll see you at the photo shoot
on Wednesday.
(SINGING) You can call me
You can claw me
You can cover me up with dirt
You little feline flirt
Here, kitty, kitty
Won't you be my kitty cat?
(GROANING)
Not my lucky day, I guess.
That's, what, five for you guys, four for me?
And we're just getting warmed up.
CARLTON: No, you idiot, he let us win those.
No.
Is that true, kid?
Are you toying with us?
If you want, I can just give you
your 100 bucks now.
We'll just call it a day.
See that, Carlton? Kid's just nervous.
Now, I think we should double the stakes.
Say, $200 a hole?
ERIC: It's just money, right,
so why don't we just
make it $500?
Well, if it's just money, why don't we make it
50 grand and really have some fun?
Fifty grand?
You're nuts. I don't have that kind of money.
- Maybe you don't have that kind of nuts.
- Maybe you should get on the man-wagon.
- Maybe you should man up.
- Maybe grow some balls.
- Maybe.
- All right. All right, fine.
- Let's play.
- All right.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If you lose, how are you going to pay us?
We'll figure something out.
That's not good.
Do you know what we do for a living, Eric?
Well, let me see, based on the outfits
and the slice that can only be perfected
by playing once a week,
I'm gonna guess doctors.
We're not just doctors.
- We're plastic surgeons.
- And damn good ones, too.
Okay, great. You're still shitty golfers.
He does this.
Then you won't mind signing this release?
What is that?
That's a release form.
You see, we need a test patient.
So, should you lose
and not be able to cover the bet,
you can pay us in trade.
I'm sorry. Come again?
It's just that we need someone
to try out our patented procedure on.
You wanna operate on me?
- No, no surgery, no cuts.
- No, no.
It's just a simple little cosmetic touch-up,
it's completely reversible.
You're out of your minds.
See, I told you he didn't think
that he could beat us.
We'll just pay someone...
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Let me tell you something. You two couldn't
beat me on my worst day. Blindfolded.
It's 50 grand.
And I'll tell you what. We'll forget about
the 100 bucks you owe us,
and we'll play fresh from this hole on.
What's the matter, kid,
you don't need 50 large?
Never lost to a doctor.
Prepare to kiss your money goodbye,
gentlemen. You're on.
Hey, Fergus. You witness this?
And your last name.
All right.
It's signed, it's official.
Let's tee this puppy up.
- Nice.
- Hey.
You guys smell that?
(SNIFFING)
What?
My comeback.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
That reminds me of your drive
when you won the club championship here.
Was that 2006 or 2007?
No, you won in 2007, right?
You know I can't keep track any more.
He can't.
Well, looky there.
I believe that puts us up one hole already.
Should I call the nurses
and tell them to start scrubbing up?
All right. That'll be all, Fergus.
It was a pleasure doing business with you.
Dude, I've got two kids. Maybe more.
Yeah? I hope you sleep well later,
Sammy the Bull.
Packing a gun.
(GROANING)
Nice one, kid.
You could win, we could win. It's so close.
This is bullshit. You guys hustled me.
This isn't even a fair match.
I gotta play solo, you get to ham-and-egg it
the whole way.
What about all that trash-talking
you were doing earlier?
Yeah, besides, you agreed to the terms.
- The terms are bullshit.
- The terms are signed.
And witnessed.
CARLTON: Last hole, a lot of pressure.
It's okay. You'll look good with
a little enhancement, Mr Perfect.
Shut the fuck up.
(MUTTERS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hey, thanks a lot, guys. That was fun.
Had a good time.
(ERIC LAUGHING)
Holy shit!
No fucking way.
HAMILTON: Nice shot, partner!
- Time to collect on our little agreement.
- The bet is off.
Oh, come on, now. You gave us your word.
You guys are on glue
if you think I'm hanging.
Now, that is no way
to behave like a real man, Eric.
- Not a man on the man-wagon.
- That's right.
- Fuck you both. I'm out of here.
- You know what? We thought you'd say that.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (GROANS)
Instant and effective anaesthetic.
- Can I try?
- Be careful.
Are you ready for me?
Mandy.
Mandy.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
You gonna give it to me now, Big Dog Eric?
Mandy?
(MONITOR BEEPING)
Mandy.
HAMILTON: Okay.
Mandy.
Little more pressure.
CARLTON: Easy, easy.
Easy.
Easy.
- Easy.
- HAMILTON: Nice.
Okay, now just a little...
Okay, just a little more.
- CARLTON: Easy does it. Great.
- Mandy.
- There.
- Yeah. Wow.
Here's to...
BOTH: Par-fection!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hmm?
Morning, sunshine.
Who's this?
Someone from your home state.
I got someone that wants to talk at you, boy.
Hi, Eric.
Professor Watley?
You want that "A" we talked about,
you're going to have to do
some extracurricular activities.
Let me talk at him.
Let me talk at him.
Hey, you best start going to class, boy.
What's your pappy gonna say?
Spending all that money.
The noose is tightening, boy.
The noose is tightening.
(MOANING)
(EXCLAIMS)
The South will rise again!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- What?
- TYLER: Wake up, bitch.
- Huh?
- Dude, are you okay?
You don't sound too good.
Man, my head is killing me.
Serves you right, jackass.
That's what you get
for partying for two days straight.
I bet you already blew through
that money you won, huh?
- What?
- The golf match.
I thought Fergus hooked you up
the other day.
- Yeah, I don't know.
- Whatever.
Just get down here ASAP.
I'm on my way. I'm already in the car.
I'll be there.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(WATER RUNNING)
(INAUDIBLE)
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, my God. What the fuck?
(GROANS)
What the fuck is that?
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
(PHONE RINGING)
You on your way?
Tyler, Tyler,
I got a big fucking problem, man.
- I just woke up...
- lf you're not on your way here,
you're damn right you have a problem.
- No, no, no...
- No, you don't understand.
Get down here, pronto.
Dude, I'm not kidding, all right?
I'll kill you with my bare hands.
No, Tyler, I...
Fuck!
Excuse me, sir, I'm looking for... (EXCLAIMS)
Got jugs?
Nice rack, bro. (LAUGHS)
Hi, mister.
Need some nuts?
(SCREAMING)
Fuck!
Fuck.
She unzips her wedding dress.
It falls to the floor,
and she's completely naked.
She looks at me and she goes,
"I'm not married yet,
"so how about a couple of pictures
for your personal collection?"
- Bullshit.
- No, I swear to God. It's totally true.
I got the pictures. You wanna see them?
E- mail.
Men.
- The man of the hour.
- All right, let's do this thing.
I can't do this right now.
(LAUGHS) What's with the jacket, dude?
- It's like 80 out there.
- Listen to me.
I can't do this right now.
Eric, I'm not letting you do this to me again,
all right?
- lf you want to screw...
- Tyler.
No. If you want to screw around
and mess up your own life, fine.
But I'll be damned
if I'm gonna let you screw up mine.
- Tyler...
- I'm not finished. I'm not finished, all right?
You spend all of your free time just trying to
bone any girl that'll smile at you. No!
And your game has gone to complete shit
because all you do is hustle.
And now, you want to screw up
everything we've worked for.
All I need you to do is step up, be a man,
and do this photo shoot,
so I can get the advertising campaign going.
And you can't even do that,
'cause it's always about you, Eric.
What are you doing?
What the hell is this? A joke?
- I wish.
- Very funny. Okay, you got me.
Just take those off
and let's go do the photo shoot, all right?
Let's go.
Ty, this is not a joke. I'm serious.
Those aren't real.
They are real. Give me.
TYLER: Holy fucking shit!
(STUTTERS) This is messed up, man.
I know.
- How the hell could this have happened?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
- Don't know.
- We gotta do something.
- I know!
Hey, you guys all right?
- Yeah, yeah, we're good.
- Yeah, yeah, we're good.
We're just...
- We're good.
- We're just...
Give us a minute.
Talent, you know.
So this is what you've been doing
the last two days?
I guess. I don't know.
I don't remember anything.
- What are we gonna do?
- Just relax, all right? I got it.
We have a problem with the clothes.
- What?
- I know.
I pulled the wrong sizes.
- He's gonna be pissed.
- I know.
Can you just handle it for me, please?
I need him out of here.
Just, whatever you have to do.
- Just get him out of here.
- Great.
- PHOTOGRAPHER: What? What is going on?
- There's a little problem with the clothes.
But they're going to fix it,
and we're gonna have to postpone.
And you're sure
you've never seen these doctors before?
(SIGHS)
No, I don't know.
No. I don't think so.
But you're sure about their names?
Yeah, Hamilton and Carlton.
So...
Have you, like, pinched them and stuff?
- Come on, dude.
- I'm just naturally curious.
No, see, this is why
I didn't want to talk to you about this.
- I'm not trying to be a dick or anything.
- Shut up, you are
- trying to be a dick.
- It's not like I'm ever going to know.
- What's the big deal?
- Just fucking drop it.
Too soon?
Why'd you take the bet?
It was 50 grand.
You should have been able
to sniff this one out.
I thought I had them.
I would've had them, too,
if I had my partner there.
Don't put this on me, all right?
I'm the one that told you to quit hustling.
It just ends up screwing with your game,
or in this case, giving you tits.
What do we do now?
"We", huh?
Come on, Ty.
Well, first thing we gotta do
is track down these doctors, all right?
And get them to take the tits out.
Then, we sue them for everything they got.
- Sound good?
- Yeah, sounds good.
Do me a favour, though.
Don't tell Mandy.
(PHONE RINGING)
What?
(WHOOPING) We're testy, ain't we?
- What is it, that time of the month?
- What?
(LAUGHS)
Oh, it's you. Listen, man,
I really don't have time for this right now.
Oh, I completely understand, Eric.
No problem at all.
Why don't I bust out my scheduler.
Okay, now what time should I
pencil you in for? Shall we say 4:00?
Believe me, you are not
the most pressing issue in my life right now.
Is that so?
Well, then maybe I ought to
make myself more pressing. Hmm?
Try to scare me all you want.
You're not scary to me any more.
Okay? You want to know what scary is?
Try waking up tomorrow morning
with a set of tits, pal. That's scary.
I try to wake up
with a set of tits every day, fool.
What the hell is wrong with this boy?
Ain't nothing scary about that.
I got the address.
- Hamilton and Carlton?
- Yes, please have a seat.
Excuse me! Excuse me!
You can't go in there! Please, stop.
Dude, we should've knocked.
- Sorry, Doctor, I told them.
- It's okay.
Eric, I'm with a patient.
Fuck you, psycho.
We need to talk, right now.
About what?
About what? About these.
Those are exactly what I want.
- Can you excuse me for just a minute?
- Sure.
Okay. Sweetheart,
would you stay with Taylor?
I'm gonna take care of these gentlemen.
- Fourteen-pounders?
- Yeah.
- You like them?
- I do.
Look what the surgeon dragged in.
Wow. Looking good, Eric.
Nice to see you again.
Cut the shit.
You gave me tits, you're taking them out.
Chocolate, boys?
The way we remember it is,
we had a deal, Eric.
Fuck the deal.
You hustled me, motherfucker.
- You hustled me, motherfucker!
- Yo, yo. Chill, chill, chill.
It was a fair bet. You agreed to the terms.
We've got the legal forms in our files.
Signed and witnessed.
- Any soreness?
- Get off me! I don't care what you have.
You performed surgery on me
against my will, dick.
- Yeah, we'll go to the cops!
- Nice to see you, Tyler.
Mr PAHR.
- How do you know me?
- It doesn't matter.
You can do what you want.
You can protest, you can go to the cops.
But the fact remains is,
you signed the release
and we were just performing the surgery
to your wishes.
All right, come on. What's it gonna take
to cover the bet and get them out?
(MOUTHING)
Fifty grand.
- He doesn't have that much.
- Then the hooters stay.
All right, you know what?
I'll just go to another surgeon.
They'll take them out for less than 50 grand.
Might even feel sorry for me
and take them out for free.
Yeah, let's go.
You know what?
That's not like that, actually.
It's a patented procedure
that nobody can perform but the two of us.
In fact, there's not a doctor in the free world
who'd risk his career to even touch you.
Better hope we stay healthy.
And should you decide to go to Mexico
or some other such place,
or, God forbid, take them out yourself,
here's what would likely happen.
(SNICKERING)
- It's upside down.
- There we go. Sorry about that.
Picture your mom's face
as she opens up the mail one day.
Or your dad.
"What has our son done to himself?"
- You don't even know my parents.
- You mean Mr Doug Keller,
majority stock-holder
of Oswald Manufacturing,
charter member
of Champion Creek Country Club?
Imagine the first board meeting.
A crisp white envelope
for each board member
containing a nice eight-by-ten glossy
of the favourite son.
With a sweet set of hooters.
The only modelling you're gonna be doing
is for our next ad campaign.
- Hey, that's good.
- I'm an idea man.
You guys are sick.
Why me? What did I do to you?
You lost a bet, hotshot.
Now, bring us the 50 grand
and end this freak show.
How am I supposed to
come up with 50 grand?
You're a smart kid.
You'll think of something.
Now, why don't you two boys run along
before we send our office manager
out for stamps.
And, Eric.
Get us that 50 grand within two weeks
or Hamilton and I are gonna start
a mass-mailing campaign.
(WHIRRING)
And let us know if there's any leakage.
There shouldn't be any, but let us know.
(SOFTLY) Leakage, very bad.
Toodeloo, boys.
Calm down.
Stop, man, we need to figure this out.
You done?
Come on.
What are we gonna do for the 50 grand?
What about your dad?
- No, Tyler. Not an option.
- Come on, he's your dad.
- Dude, he'll understand.
- Oh, yeah, you think so?
"Yeah, hey, Dad, it's me.
"I lost a bet on the golf course
and I owe some guy 50 grand.
"I'm not going to class any more
'cause I fucked my teacher,
"and I lost my car. It got repossessed
because I spent all my money at Players.
"And, by the way, I have a set of tits.
Can you wire me 50 grand?"
- Are you out of your mind?
- We might need to wordsmith that a bit.
Yeah, you think?
How much can PAHR help?
If I had 50 grand,
I would've dropped out a long time ago.
So, what are we gonna do?
Best ball.
You mean it? You're back?
I put everything I had into
PAHR's new advertising campaign
featuring you, all right?
You can't do it like this.
But hey, this time it's gonna be different.
All right?
No partying, no drinking, no sex. All right?
Nothing but practise and sleep. Understand?
Yeah, no, totally. Yeah.
Where am I gonna go party with these?
Yes, for sure.
Whatever you say. You're the boss.
Okay, we need opponents, fast.
We gotta spread the word.
Take anything that comes our way.
- Think we can pull this off?
- Damn straight.
Hey, listen, Tyler...
Yeah, yeah. Don't get all queery-bit on me,
Barbie. All right?
Come on, let's go win some money.
MAN: So, what's the stakes?
What are we playing for?
- Five thousand.
- Five thousand's good.
- Sound good?
- Sounds good.
What's the matter?
You got the shanks now?
My bad. I must've slipped.
Don't worry about it. All right?
Just don't do it again.
- All right.
- All right.
What's the deal, man?
Get your head in the game.
It's not my head, it's this jacket.
Then take it off.
Seriously, it's 1,000 degrees out here.
- You're probably lactating under there.
- Give me a few strokes. I'll get it.
- I'll get it.
- All right.
That's it, all right? Take it off, now.
- Dude, take it off.
- Fuck, dude!
- What the fuck, man?
- My rules! My rules, remember? My rules.
- Take it off.
- All right.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Thank you.
What the hell is that?
What? Are we here to play golf
or stare at my friend's deformity?
That's sick. I'm not playing
with no freak show, that's for sure.
Fine. Then just give us the money
and be on your way.
Don't worry, Dan. We can handle these two.
All right, fine. Fine, all right.
- What's your problem?
- Is it wrong I wanna touch them?
(BOTH GROANING)
Hey.
(GROANS)
You have got to loosen up.
They're out now and there's nothing
you can do about it, all right?
So just get it out of your mind and just play.
(EXHALES)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Fuck!
Maybe we should take the day off, man.
Give your mind some time to wrap around...
That isn't the problem.
They're flopping all over the place!
TYLER: He'll be here soon, all right?
ERIC: I can't believe
we're relying on this guy.
TYLER: Just trust me, all right?
- Seriously, dude. I had no idea.
- Whatever, man. You're dead to me.
(STUTTERS) I didn't know.
Hey.
- I can't wear this, it's pink.
- But it's Nike. "Just do it."
(EXCLAIMS)
- Make sure nobody sees me.
- I got you, don't worry.
You guys want to turn around?
Give the man some privacy.
You can reach over and hold each other
if you want, but that's about it, all right?
- You all right?
- Yeah, I got it.
Turn around! I'm serious.
- How does that feel?
- It's tight.
Look, we can take care of that, all right?
For now, grip it and rip it.
All right. (EXHALING)
(TYLER EXCLAIMS)
- He's back, baby. How did that feel?
- Good. Real good.
TYLER: You boys are in trouble now.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
All right, cough it up. Let's go.
It's okay, don't be bummed out.
Losing makes you stronger.
- Here.
- Thanks.
You boys ready to play some golf or what?
You can play with these if you want.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHEERING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Do I look fat to you?
- (LAUGHS) What?
- Be honest.
Oh, shit.
- TYLER: What's up, guys?
- Hey, man. What's up?
How's it going. What's up, man?
MARK: Hey, E-dog, where you been, man?
Everyone's been looking for you.
- Hey, what up?
- What's up, man?
Hey, we're going to go get some beers
over at Players.
You guys should totally come.
Dude, that would be awesome, but...
- I'm just tired.
- Yeah, I'm beat.
We've been working.
We got the photo shoot...
Yeah, we got tons of stuff to do.
Wait. You guys are turning down beers?
What's going on here?
Yeah, you've disappeared for two days.
You going snowboarding or something?
What's up with that jacket?
- Okay, all right...
- Ty, no.
- They need to know. They need to know!
- You guys, what's going on?
We need money fast, all right.
PAHR's future depends on it.
Problem solved, you guys.
Why didn't you tell me sooner?
My roommate freshman year had a girlfriend
whose cousin lived across the street
from a friend of Darius Vernon.
- What? I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
You know, O.G., Ice Pyk.
Ice Pizzy in the hizzy.
The rapper?
He's a music producer now.
He lives here in San Diego.
I could get us a meeting.
Dude, no, no.
Are you kidding me?
That guy's a huge businessman.
He invests in companies
in San Diego all the time.
- No, we'll raise the money ourselves.
- Thank you.
You really wanna help us out,
you really wanna do us a favour?
You hear of anybody that's looking for
some golf action, you send them our way.
- Okay.
- All right.
Shut up.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Not happening?
- Nope.
(GIGGLING)
Oh, my God, Mandy.
Your brother is gonna totally flip.
Eric P. Keller. Where's my car, boy?
- Oh, shit.
- Come here, man.
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
ERIC: Sorry.
Keep running, I'm gonna track you.
I'm gonna get you.
(EXCLAIMS)
End of the line, turkey balls!
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
where did that little shitbird go?
If he hollers, don't let him go.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe!
(ERIC SCREAMS)
ERIC: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Can't a lady
get a little bit of privacy! Get out, asshole!
Excuse me. I'm sorry, ma'am. Excuse me.
Get out, you fucking dick.
Goddamn California.
TYLER: I can't believe
you talked me into this.
I don't even know what to say to this guy.
Relax. Didn't you pitch
the whole PAHR 72 thing to your professor?
Yeah, and he hated it, all right? No.
And that was just a professor.
I didn't have to worry about him killing me
if he didn't like the idea.
Dude, look around.
There's plenty of people here.
If he kills us, there'll be lots of witnesses.
I'm joking, man. You're too uptight.
We'll be fine.
Mr Vernon will be with you shortly.
You can wait right over there.
(EXHALING)
I should've used the bathroom before I left.
There's a bathroom right there.
Can't.
Oh, man, I never knew you were
one of those guys that can't crap in public.
- That's hilarious.
- That's not it.
- Yeah, it is.
- I like to take a shower afterwards.
Oh, my God.
You have to take a shower after you shit?
Maybe you're doing something wrong, dude.
It's just preference.
No. I know a lot about poop.
I'm gonna help you out with this, bro.
I got a lot of experience with this.
Okay, first of all,
are you sitting down when you're doing it?
- Dude, it's just preference.
- Are you sitting down?
Yes, cock-monkey, I'm sitting down.
What about your pants?
Are your pants still pulled up
or do you have them down?
- I knew I shouldn't have said anything.
- lf you still have them pulled up,
I think I might've solved
the problem right there.
- You're such a prick, you know that?
- Toilet paper.
Are you remembering
to use toilet paper afterwards?
- 'Cause that could be it.
- You're not getting this.
Dude, what am I not getting here?
Why can't you shit like a normal person?
Okay, smart guy,
next time you have to take a shit,
shit in your hand,
and then wipe that shit with toilet paper
and then tell me that your hand is clean.
- Okay, I see your point.
- Exactly.
Dude, I get that, okay.
But there are some places on my body
I'm willing to accept the fact
they're not always 100% clean.
I mean, I eat with my hands sometimes,
but never my ass.
Mr Vernon will see you now.
All right, saggy diapers,
see if you can keep your poop in your pants
long enough to get through this.
I make no promises.
Dude, don't worry about it. Okay?
The guy that lived across from me
freshman year was black.
What?
My assistant says
you have a business proposition for me.
Well, Mr Ice Pyk.
Just Darius.
Darius, do you play golf?
Just broke 90.
That's sweet.
Anyway, I started this golf company called
PAHR.
We make golf clothes.
So anyway, we...
I got it.
(IN AFRICAN-AMERICAN ACCENT) Yo,
check it, dog. Here's the dizzle, my nizzle.
My homeboy T-bone here be all up
in the membranes like some Einstein shit,
talking bout swole in the dome, right?
He started this fat-ass biz,
selling some fly-ass golf threads.
Plus, he be rolling deep with this badass
golfer who got mad skills like Tiger and shit.
But now he's all hurting for snaps.
So, I'm all like, "Bitch, hit up a bank, yo."
He's all like, "Nigga, please."
So, that's why I brought him to you.
Trust me, homie, you gonna look like
the motherfucking bomb
sporting T-bone's fly-ass threads.
Ain't no better way
to get a fly-ass shorty
with a fat-ass booty
come jocking on the old ice pick,
you know what I'm saying?
She sees you with a big-ass club,
busting a cap in the ball's izzass,
she'll be all up in yo junk
and you'll be waxing that ass
like a drop-top six-fo in no time.
(TYLER MOUTHING)
I mean, you look like
a man who likes booty, right?
I love booty.
I put on one of these golf joints,
went to the club,
fifteen big-ass booty ho's
were all up in my shit.
It was like a sea of Missy Elliotts in the joint.
I'm telling you, yo, T-bone's clothes
are fitting to blow the fuck up,
and you got a chance to get up in that shit
on the ground motherfucking floor.
You going be one rich nigga. Feel me?
(IN NORMAL ACCENT)
I thought that went pretty...
Not a word, Mark. Not a fucking word.
What the hell?
I want you to find out everything you can
about this golf company, PAHR.
Yo, E-dizzle.
You sure you wanna trade cars?
Mine's a shit box.
This thing is practically new.
Yeah, yeah. Just temporarily.
I got this chaw-chomping,
redneck repo-man guy looking for me.
Once he starts missing his goats,
he'll head back to Virginia.
Okay.
You cannot bring this anywhere near
my apartment, anywhere near school.
Yeah. Sure.
Awesome.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
Thanks, E-dog.
WOMAN: Nice ride, boys.
Dude. This car is nectar, bro.
- Sweet.
- Yes.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- We're so cool.
- Hell yeah.
- Dude, your phone.
- It's not my phone.
Well, it's not my phone.
- Hello.
- DOUG: This is Eric's dad.
Oh, hey, Eric's dad. It's Mark.
- Is Eric around?
- No, he's not here.
He lent me his car.
I guess he forgot to take his phone out.
You're driving Eric's car?
Did he tell you about the brakes?
- No, he didn't tell me about the brakes.
- Well, he told me there was a recall.
So I put together a list of dealers in the area
so he could get them fixed.
- Wow. Okay.
- Have him give me a call when you see him.
- Yeah, sure. I'll tell him you called.
- Thanks.
Dude, no wonder he gave me the car.
This thing needs new brakes.
What?
- Two can play at that game.
- Wait. What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna fix this thing.
I'm keeping this bitch.
(ALL CHEERING)
That's five.
How can we lose to anybody that has boobs?
Nice job.
Give a girl a titty hit.
(FAST MUSIC PLAYING)
I can smell him. I know he's close.
Bingo.
(WHOOPING)
Hey, back it off, Ho Chi Minh, back it off.
Or I'll put these size-12 American-made
boots right up your ass.
(LAUGHING)
Tell your boy Eric I got his ass.
I think you're gonna need these.
(REPO MAN EXCLAIMS)
(CAR CRASHING)
TYLER: $40,100...
$40,200.
We're still short.
- Deadline's tomorrow.
- Yeah.
But this is a lot of money.
I mean, it's got to count for something.
Right?
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Here it is. Most of it, anyway.
Most of it? I don't like the sound of that.
Do you, Carlton?
It's almost all there, it's like $40,200.
Almost isn't all.
Eric, we're businessmen.
We can be reasonable.
What is this little venture you have
with your partner?
Some kind of clothing line?
What are you, the fucking Hardy Boys?
How do you know about that?
Once again, not your concern.
What would you say
the value of this little company is?
- Why?
- Perhaps a barter is in order?
You give us the company
and we take Cagney and Lacey out.
I can't. I only own half the company.
Tyler owns the other half.
I can't. I can't give it away. It's not mine.
Well, then the tits stay.
- I'm just gonna run off to the post office...
- Wait, come on.
Hey, we can be reasonable here, right?
How about if we play
you and your partner, Tyler?
That way, if you win, you keep the $40,000
and we take these out, everybody's happy.
And if you lose...
They get PAHR if we lose?
We won't lose.
Come on, we won't. You said it yourself,
I'm playing the best golf of my life.
Maybe it's the tits.
Okay.
But do you really want to bet
our entire future off on a single golf match?
We're not betting anything away.
Just think about what PAHR could do
with that money.
We could pay ourselves salaries.
So whatever. Let's just go
beat these assholes, keep their money.
Our money.
- Come on, Ty. It's one last game.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Let's do this.
- Let's do it.
ERIC: I'm sorry,
why are you bringing me here?
TYLER: Joslyn said it was important.
I don't know, man.
- They're here. Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Come on, we've been waiting for you.
What took you so long? Join us.
Hey, boys.
- What's going on?
- Have a seat, Eric.
Yeah, straddle that bench.
E- dog, listen, man,
we're seriously worried about you.
You've been drinking way too much.
You flat-out disappear.
It's gotten to the point where you messed up
a very important photo shoot.
What's up with that jacket?
And you almost put your best friend
and business partner through financial ruin.
And you put me and Jason in danger, man.
Okay, guys. What's going on here?
Tyler, this is an intervention. We're trying
to help Eric get through his issues.
- He doesn't have any issues. He's fine.
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(EXCLAIMING)
Intervention? Hold on a second.
Hold on. I don't have an issue.
- Denial.
- See, textbook, man. You got a problem.
Guys, I really appreciate
what you're trying to do here, all right?
But Eric and I have everything under control.
Tyler, no. You're not helping!
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Hold on! Hold on a second!
Everybody just shut up for a second!
I'm not an alcoholic.
Well, I am, sort of,
like in a college frat boy kind of way,
but look, that's not the issue. Okay?
- These are.
- (GASPING)
- What the fuck?
- Okay, this is beyond...
- Okay, don't freak. Hold on a second.
- This is beyond an intervention.
- Jos, I can explain everything.
- The whole fuck buddy, booty call...
Wait a minute, that's what you've been
doing the last two weeks?
No.
Come on, Big Dog, bust them out again,
man. I wanna see them.
Stay the fuck away from me, Mark.
I'll give you the fucking haymaker, man.
Look, I really care about you,
but this is really fucked up, Tyler.
I can explain everything, all right?
Dude, he's got jiggly titties.
Jiggly titty, you got that jiggly titty.
You got that jiggly titty...
(EXCLAIMING)
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Mark. What are you doing?
- You fucking dick!
Sorry I'm late. What did I miss?
- You are disgusting!
- Mandy, hold on.
- Stop it. Stop it.
- What?
I can explain all this.
Look, it's all a big fuck up, okay.
I know I've been cheating, I've been lying
to people, I've been lying to you,
but the boobs have made me a better person.
- I know, that sounds really stupid.
- Save it, Eric.
I came here tonight
because I was worried about you.
I don't even think you and I
are on the same planet.
No, no, that's not true. We are.
(INAUDIBLE)
(MIMICKING ERIC) "Come on, Mandy,
they're only a C-cup."
(MIMICKING MANDY) "Only a C-cup?
They're bigger than mine."
"Why are you so mad? I got them for you."
"Eric, I said if you got boobs,
they'd have to be a B-cup."
"I'm sorry,
but four titties are better than two. Right?"
"No. Oh, my God, Eric,
I am not a lesbian any more."
"Just touch them one time.
Don't you want to motorboat?"
No, I'm not into kinky stuff.
Who said I was into kinky stuff?
- I can't do this.
- Let me explain. Shit.
Dude.
Can I get my car keys?
Thanks, man. The repo man took your car.
- What?
- I know, I know.
Get in the car, Vanilla Ice.
Hey, Mandy. What's up? It's Eric.
Just calling to see what's up.
Give me a call when you get this.
I'd love to hear from you.
Yeah, give me a buzz.
Ready?
What's going on?
- What is all this?
- What does it look like?
You guys are on the map.
And I got San Diego CNTV
to stream the whole thing.
Why are all these people here?
- It doesn't matter.
- Really?
- It works out in our favour, though.
- And how's that?
Well, you see, Mr Cover Girl
can't hide from this kind of publicity.
Company stays on top. PAHR goes down.
Mmm-hmm. Good.
What's the president of Ash-Whole
doing here?
If I were you, I wouldn't worry about that.
I'd be worrying about the double bogeys
coming your way.
Bogey-bogey.
He put you up to this.
That's why you want PAHR.
Put us up to this? No.
We created this company.
We're the majority stock holders.
What? You think you are the only two
geniuses that can sell a cotton-poly blend?
Enough! Get ready to have your asses
handed to you.
The only ass that's gonna be handed
is yours.
- Oh, wait. Here's your ass now.
- And here's a spanking.
(EXCLAIMS) Faster. Yeah, smack that ass.
- CARLTON: Pastor, that hurts.
- Right.
Anybody hear anything from Mandy?
She said she had something important to do.
I haven't seen Mark in two days either.
Hey, I just found out the answer
to this whole mystery.
I'm gonna go hit some balls.
MAN: We're live in three, two...
Hi, I'm Scott, and welcome to
the first annual Cuda Challenge,
brought to you by San Diego CNTV.
We're here at the beautiful
Borrego Springs Resort.
It's a hot one, and tensions are mounting,
so grab a cold drink,
we're about ready to tee off.
Fucking golf.
They've got me broadcasting fucking golf...
(ALL CHEERING)
An extremely blustery day
here at the course,
as we get a look at
the PAHR team's secret weapon up close
to begin the tournament.
- Hello, Scott.
- We welcome Stephanie to the broadcast.
Her handlers finally finished with
the Herculean task of applying her makeup.
Now that I can see your crow's feet up close,
I can cancel my trip to the Grand Canyon.
(LAUGHING)
Let's do it.
My back is killing me, dude.
That's what we're here to fix. Let's do it.
(FAST MUSIC PLAYING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Eric.
Great place to put a fucking tree.
Oh, yeah.
(EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHS)
HAMILTON: Oh, Daddy!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
It's okay, let that one go. It's okay.
- No, no.
- Don't do this.
Son of a bitch.
- What was that?
- I don't know.
BOTH: Eric sucks at golf. Eric sucks at golf.
I don't think it's too early to call.
With the docs this far ahead,
I'm putting my money on them.
We'll be right back.
What the hell was that?
- Had to lay up.
- Bullshit. You could've made that shot.
- No, not today I can't.
- What's the matter with you?
We've finally got a surefire way of getting
rid of those things and you're blowing it.
- I was hoping Mandy would come.
- That ship has sailed, my friend. All right?
You blew your chance with her.
There's nothing we can do about it now.
Just get your head in the game, Eric.
Looks like your friend is
getting used to having that rack.
I'm getting the impression that
he wants to keep them forever and ever.
No, stop. All right.
You can't do this to me, man.
We're gonna lose if you don't pick it up.
No, I can't beat these guys
on my own. Okay?
I know, I'm sorry. It's this thing with Mandy.
I'm in love with her, Ty.
- What?
- I know. I don't know.
Ever since I got these hooters,
I don't feel complete without her.
Okay.
Let's just not talk about that right now.
I need you to focus, okay?
I can't. Not until I...
- Oh, shit. It's my dad.
- What?
You sent that envelope?
- Yes, we definitely sent the envelope.
- Yeah, sorry.
CARLTON: It was just sitting there
with a stamp on it.
HAMILTON: And it slipped into the box.
- Hey, Dad, I can explain this...
- It's okay, Eric. I know what happened.
- You do?
- Mandy told me everything.
Mandy?
- Hey.
- Hey, you.
Hey, it's really good to see you.
I'm sorry I'm late, I just wanted to make sure
your dad understood everything.
Like I finally did.
Mandy tells me
you made $50,000 playing golf.
Yeah.
Why didn't you just come to me?
No, I couldn't come to you.
It was my fault. I got in way over my head.
I was letting golf
get in the way of my classes, and I wasn't...
Whoa!
$50,000 from golf?
Maybe the school is getting in the way
of your golf.
I mean, it's something to think about.
Now you better get back in there.
Unless you plan on keeping those ta-tas.
Mandy, on the other hand...
She's a keeper.
- I'll see you on the 18th.
- All right, Dad.
Wait, Mandy, hold on.
Come on, take your shot
or forfeit the hole, Erica.
(EXCLAIMING)
- Served.
- Psych.
- You need to go.
- No, I have to say this first. Okay?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't realise how stupid I was.
I'm sorry it took you giving up on me
in order for me to figure out
that I can't give up on you.
None of this means anything now.
The tits, the golf game,
none of it means anything
unless I know that we still have a shot.
None of it matters
unless I know I haven't lost you.
Eric, you never lost me.
It's gonna take a lot more than
another set of boobs to come between us.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
We can talk more later.
First, you need to get out there
and show those slimeballs
how a real man plays golf.
(EXCLAIMS)
- Everything okay?
- Everything is perfect.
- Ready to finish this?
- Hell yeah.
Let's do it.
Bore me to death.
(CHEERING)
Yes! Unbelievable. Yes!
Oh, my God!
(ALL CHEERING)
(GUNSHOT)
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
That bold prediction you made earlier
really didn't pan out for you, did it, Steph?
Bite me.
And we're tied here at the 18th,
while everybody waits patiently
for their favourite freak.
What are you thinking?
A little right to left, slightly uphill.
All right, you got this, man.
Sink it and we win.
(ALL CHEERING)
Yes!
- You did it.
- We did it.
- Thanks, Dad.
- That was a good one.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
- You guys, wow! Super duper.
- Super duper.
Just want you to know,
you didn't think we were really gonna
honour our little agreement, did you?
- You're keeping those titties.
- And we're still going to crush PAHR.
Good game, fellows. Nice. (WHOOPS)
- Call us.
-1-800-NuBOOBS.
(HORN HONKING)
Relax, man, it's cool.
I like your line.
- Still looking for investors?
- Yeah.
- But the last time, you said...
- Yeah, I know about the last time.
And I'm sure
that'll never happen again, right?
- No, no.
- My man.
And my man Mark here. He's all right, too.
Not only that,
but homeboy can bust a hell of a rhyme.
Jiggly titties, you got that jiggly titties.
- Stupid.
- Okay.
No, but seriously, dog.
Whatever you need, it's covered. Deal?
Deal.
(WHISPERING)
- Those guys right there?
- Yeah.
No problem, man. I got you.
Hey, fellows.
- Okay, got to go.
- Have you had work done?
See you first thing tomorrow morning, Docs.
HAMILTON: Serpentine, serpentine.
CARLTON: I voted for Obama.
Oh, my God.
There's the girl of my dreams, right there.
Yo, E-dog, watch me work my magic.
(EXCLAIMS)
Stupid.
All right,
let's hear it for Eric and Tyler, everybody.
(ALL CHEERING)
If the PAHR Cups dual counter-balance
chest gear for men can improve my swing,
imagine what it can do for yours.
Get your set at PAHR.com today.
You want bigger boobs?
But you're concerned about a long recovery
time interfering with your active lifestyle?
We've got an answer for you.
Call 1-800-NuBOOBS now
for a free consultation.
We've got a new technology,
we've got a patented procedure,
and you get NuBOOBS.
But I have a big golf game in two days.
- Will I be able to play after the procedure?
- Of course you will.
Yay!
- Can you even help someone like me?
- You bet we can.
Wow! Boobies!
Call us today for NuBOOBS.
Call 1-800-NuBOOBS and get yourself
some new boobs this weekend.
- Knockers, jugs, ta-tas.
- Knobs, funbags, milk wagons.
- Dirty pillows, hooters.
- Melons, bazongas.
- Call 1-800-NuBOOBS today.
- Call 1-800-NuBOOBS today.
- Because a perfect person like you...
- Deserves a perfect pair like ours.
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
TYLER: The shaft's a bit longer on this one,
so just give it some room to breathe.
(EXCLAIMING)
Man down.
Ah, Mark, whatever.
He can take a shot to the head.
- Big Dog eats good.
- Sweet.
Seriously, man. You've got more
natural talent than anyone I've ever seen.
I mean, in a few years from now,
people are gonna be like, "Tiger who?"
- Hey, guys.
- You got everything we need?
I do. Your future is in my hands.
Hey, excuse me.
How would you like a PAHR T-shirt?
Number one up-and-coming
golf apparel company in the U.S.
Sure.
(GASPS)
Oh.
Thanks.
No, no, thank you.
- How did you do that?
- That was pimp.
Shit. I needed that shirt for the presentation.
- Oh, is that today?
- We're headed over there right now.
- Nice.
- We're gonna blow them away, all right?
PAHR is up and running, making a profit.
And we just stole Nike away
from Ash-Whole.
- Seriously? Nice. All right.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Right on.
- Hey, wait a minute.
E, don't you have English Lit?
Uh...
Yeah, sort of.
- Had a little problem with his professor.
- What problem?
He slept with her.
You slept with Mrs Watley?
- No.
- Now she keeps calling him.
- (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Eric, Eric."
- It wasn't my fault, though.
We were in an elevator together
and there was porno music playing...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Is that...
I think so.
(BELL RINGING)
(MOANING)
You're my hero.
Your old man is gonna kill you when
he finds out you've been ditching classes.
Uh-uh. That's why we're gonna make sure
he doesn't find out.
Besides, once I pull a Bobby Jones,
he's gonna forget all about it.
It won't even matter.
Wait, an amateur is not gonna win
the US Open again.
It's been 80 years.
I think it's time. My time.
Get out of the way.
My time.
(GROANS) Son of a...
Oh, yeah!
I do like this club. Can I keep this?
- Hey, Sis.
- Hey, Ty.
Hey, Eric.
Hey, Mandy.
I haven't seen you on campus much lately.
Yeah, well, you know.
Too many beers need drinking.
And too many girls that need loving.
And night after night
I sit in my dorm all alone.
Well, you know,
I'm working my way over there.
I need this for the presentation.
Okay.
- Come on, Jason, let's go. Go.
- But I was just hanging out...
- Good luck.
- Later, man.
See you, guys. Oh, hey, are you going
to the Delta Tau party tonight?
(SHUSHING)
What?
Stay focused. I'll call you later.
Where you going? Class?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Mind if I walk you?
- Sure.
So, where is this party?
I'm gonna take a shot in the dark
and say that Ty doesn't want his little sister
at a frat party.
(SCOFFS) He doesn't run my life.
I'm 18 now, I can do what I want.
- All right, well...
- You know I'll find out where it is anyway.
He's gonna come after me with a five iron
if he finds out I'm the one who told you.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hold on a second. Sorry.
Hey.
Yo, E.
I got a live one here.
What's his handi?
He thinks he's an eight.
Yeah? And he's looking for some action?
FERGUS: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get down here now, man.
All right.
I gotta jet. I got a fish on the hook.
There's gotta be a better way
to make money.
No, I gotta hustle every cent I can.
Maybe I should just sell my body for sex.
- In that case...
- No, no, no, no, no.
Your money is no good here.
I'll toss you one on the house.
Yeah. First taste is free,
after that it's gonna cost you.
(LAUGHS) Oh, jeez.
All right. Go to class, you.
- See you at the party later?
- We'll see. We'll see.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(GROANING)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
- He's good.
- Yeah.
- He's real good.
- Yeah.
You can't even tell that he's holding back.
He's cocky enough to take us on?
Oh, yeah.
He'll take us both on.
Perfect.
Oh.
You're gonna need an eagle to win, kid.
Good luck.
It's a short par four.
You wanna raise the bet?
To $600? (LAUGHS)
I love it.
It's rough.
Okay.
What a lucky-ass shot.
I'd rather be lucky than good.
FERGUS: Ouch.
ARNIE: Son of a bitch!
FERGUS: That's gotta hurt.
(SNIFFING)
- Thank you.
- Find me more. Find me more.
(FAST MUSIC PLAYING)
Come on, dance, pretty girl.
(WHOOPING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Mr Eric P. Keller. How you doing?
Not much, just enjoying a wonderful
little jaunt in my luxurious automobile.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, so, about that vehicle.
You about ready to turn it over to me yet?
You ready to go hump your cousin?
Oh. Now, now, see, there you go.
We were having ourselves
a nice little conversation
and you had to go and mess it up
by being all rude.
Somebody better learn you
some manners, boy.
Yeah, you know, I blame my parents.
Maybe my mom didn't hug me enough
or something, I'm not sure.
What about you? I bet you breastfed
till you were 21, didn't you?
I breast-feed every day, you little nubber.
Let's not bring your folks into this, okay?
'Cause I just talked to your pappy
and he seems like a real stand-up guy.
Why would you talk to my dad?
The car's in my name.
'Cause I was looking for you, son.
He told me you was off at school.
Say, tell me this.
You got them palm trees out there
in San Diego, don't you?
What's the matter?
Cat got your tongue?
You seem surprised, Eric.
I think you underestimated me, boy.
I can track a rabbit
through ten miles of horseshit.
You think I can't find you?
No, you know what? I'm sure you can.
I'm sure you can.
You know what? You're probably
triangulating my phone signal right now
with a pitchfork and a dowsing rod.
You make all the fun you want to,
monkey boy,
but that vehicle is gonna be mine.
All right, Mr Crazy-Ass Repo Man,
I gotta take off.
Listen, it's been real.
I hope to run into you real soon.
Yeah, you can bet on it.
(SINGING) Here, kitty, kitty
Won't you be my kitty cat
ROMAN: That's him, the wonder boy.
Mr Scratch Golfer.
That's the little punk.
CARLTON: He made a deuce
on the 18th at Cliffside.
- Like he was doing it in his sleep.
- ROMAN: He's costing us money.
- Don't worry about a thing, Roman.
- We've got it covered.
ROMAN: All right.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (EXCLAIMING)
- Wakes you up, doesn't it?
- I like it.
- Yeah, hey, Dad.
- DOUG: Hey, Eric.
- What's up?
- You need something? What's up?
- Nothing. Just studying.
- Studying, huh?
Yeah. Hey, listen. Did some guy call you
from the car dealership?
Someone called my secretary.
What's up about that?
No, no, everything's cool. Everything's cool.
- There's some kind of recall on the brakes.
- Really?
I don't know, they've been squealing,
making all kinds of noise.
It sounds like an anvil
squashing a sack of kittens.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Hot.
He's got, like, those arms that are...
Oh, my God.
So, he really didn't like it, huh?
Are you even listening to me, man?
He didn't just "not like it", all right?
Hey, hey, hey. He fucking hated it.
So what, dude? Who cares what he thinks?
His buy-in would've made it a lot easier
to win over my old man.
Yeah, but who cares? You're living proof
that the class doesn't mean shit!
You're out there doing it in the real world.
Well, that's it.
I'm taking a page out of your book.
I'm dropping out
and running PAHR full-time.
- Come on. What?
- You said it yourself.
We're making it happen.
I just need to focus on the business
and quit this useless school crap.
You're insane. You're a madman.
You're one to talk, elevator man.
Hey, you guys.
Let's go get some tits on tape.
Go with him. Keep an eye on him.
Out of the three of us, he's the only one
that even stands a chance of graduating.
Let's go.
Ladies, who wants to
make a mistake tonight?
Gross.
Take that.
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
- Hey, what's your name?
- Mandy.
Mandy, if I told you, you had a rocking body,
would you hold it against me?
Thanks.
I love this dress.
(WHISPERING)
What did you say to her?
Who? Oh, her?
I may have mentioned that
you used to be a dude.
What?
It's believable.
You got like a really chiselled jaw line,
well-defined traps, nice bone structure...
Yeah.
So what about these?
Oh, those?
Those can be faked.
- Really?
- I read an article about it.
So you can tell the difference?
Oh, yeah, I've got mad skills.
- I bet you do.
- Yeah.
Of course, I have to conduct
a full visual exam
before we can begin
the physical portion of the exam.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I told you I would make my way here.
Yeah, I knew you would.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
- You wanna dance?
- Sure.
- With me?
- Yeah.
What the hell is she doing here?
I told you not to tell her about it.
She found it herself, man.
I was just telling her that
she should probably...
I can speak for myself.
If I want to be at a party, Ty,
I can be at a party.
No, you can't, all right?
You're leaving.
Go. I'm serious, go.
I'll deal with you later.
Get off of me.
Tough break, man. Tough break.
You shouldn't mess with
your best friend's sister.
I was just trying to keep her out of trouble.
Yeah, right.
Speaking of trouble,
I think she's looking to get into some.
Yeah, I think she's looking at you, Mark.
No way, she's all about the E-dog.
Plus, I don't dig on the ginger.
I've got my eyes on that one.
Mmm-mmm. Too young.
Hey, you know what they say,
"If there's grass on the field, play ball."
I don't even think there's grass on that field.
Well, then I'll play in the dirt.
You're a sick guy, Mark.
A sick son of a bitch indeed.
Go get her, E-dog.
You're welcome!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Okay.
Will you stop?
- No, you always do this stuff to me.
- Do what?
You need to stop this, Ty.
One of these days you're going to have to
let me grow up on my own.
He's my best friend, Mandy.
No. It's just a little too weird for me,
all right?
Besides,
you don't know him like I do, all right?
He's not the kind of guy
you want to be dating.
He's never been anything
but sweet and nice to me.
Come on. This isn't high school any more,
all right?
He's changed.
So have I.
And so have I.
Maybe I know what's best for me.
(GRUNTS)
TYLER: Come on.
Stop.
How about instead of mooning over Eric,
you come spend some time with me?
Your big bro.
- Okay.
- Okay.
But you're not Dad, you know. You can't
solve all problems with an ice cream cone.
Really?
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right.
Bye.
And put some clothes on!
Good night.
Cover this. Not good hanging out.
Sleep.
(WOMAN MOANING)
(GASPING)
(BOTH MOANING)
Oh, shit!
You, give me your shirt.
Wait a minute.
You can take my pants, too,
if you want them.
WOMAN: Harder! Harder!
Check these out.
Come on.
Nice. How much those set us back?
Too much.
But it's all gonna be worth it, man.
It's a huge break getting this spread.
If you say so, man.
If I say so?
How do you think thousands of pro shops
across America
decide what clothes to put on their racks?
Golf Journal fall clothing edition!
We shoot the whole thing on Wednesday.
- Dude.
- What's up, guys?
JASON: Guess who brought pizza?
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Sis.
Pizza dude!
Move over.
- Want some?
- No, thanks.
Did your brother tell you
he's dropping out of school?
You're dropping out of school?
And you have the nerve to tell me
what I should and shouldn't do?
That's different, all right? No.
I have PAHR now, all right? It's my life.
School's just getting in the way.
What are you gonna tell Mom and Dad?
Mom and Dad don't need to know right now.
Guys, guys, guys, look! Check this out!
This is my favourite commercial of all time.
This is my favourite part. I love this chick.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV)
(MIMICKING) "But I have a big golf game
in two days.
"Will I be able to play after the procedure?"
"Of course, you will."
Yay!
(EXCLAIMS)
(EXCLAIMS)
MANDY: What's that?
It's a DVD I made of the party yesterday.
Anything good?
Check it out.
I spent all night cutting it myself.
Good. I want to see what Ty made me miss.
Yo, partner! Come here. Come on, man.
- What do you think?
- ERIC: I don't know.
I don't look so good in black.
You can see my flakes.
- This part's really cool.
- Are they...
(BOTH MOANING)
- Dude, did you film people screwing?
- Oh, yeah.
MARK: Awesome!
They didn't even know you were there?
No way. I was in the shadows, hiding.
Dude, your camera's all messed up.
This guy is all green.
That's body paint, man.
Body paint?
Who wears paint when they're doing it?
It looks like Oscar the Grouch
is ploughing Elmo.
JASON: (LAUGHING)
It does kind of look like that.
Freaks.
I prefer blue myself.
I bet you do, freak.
Yo, E-dog. Check this out.
Jason filmed a porno.
MAN ON TV:...Big Dog to eat. (BARKING)
God, this dialogue sucks.
This guy sounds like he has a small dick.
That guy sounds a lot like Eric.
Bullshit.
(MAN MOANING)
- Give me the remote.
- No. This is my first film.
- WOMAN ON TV: Give it to me, Big Dog Eric.
- Give me the remote.
Give it to me!
What? This is my film. My big debut.
I'm a filmmaker.
(BARKING)
(TV SWITCHING OFF)
Is that you on there?
No. Come on, are you crazy? Of course not.
Tyler, do you even want your sister
seeing this crap, man?
- Dude, is that paint on your back?
- ERIC: No! Uh-uh.
Nope, it's not.
No, it's guacamole. I can explain that!
I can explain that.
Don't bother.
Wait, wait, wait, Mandy, Mandy.
Come on.
What's the big deal?
Of course you side with him.
That's what you guys always do.
Stick together.
Great job, Eric. Real good.
What did I do?
I don't know. Could it be the part
where you told my sister
I was dropping out of school?
Or the part where you screwed another girl
in front of my sister?
Yeah, well, I'm not the one who filmed it.
That was numb-nuts over here.
Hey, I didn't know it was you. I mean, I was...
Who goes around filming people
screwing anyway, you fucking pervert?
- Hey, man, can I borrow that?
- JASON: Yeah, sure.
- No!
- No.
TYLER: See, Eric?
It's shit like this
why I don't let you go out with my sister.
You'd break her heart,
and then I'd have to kill you, all right?
If she goes and tells my parents
that I'm dropping out of school,
I'm screwed.
I still don't know what I did.
TYLER: You never do.
Face it, man.
All you care about is a set of tits.
- What else would you guys like?
- I'd like to get under that skirt.
Sorry. There's only room
for one ass in this skirt.
(ALL SNICKERING)
I like her style.
Yeah, I see a bright future with you and her.
Later in your room.
So what's the deal, man?
You want to date Mandy or what?
I don't know. Ty will kick my ass.
Yeah, but do you like her?
Yeah, she's an amazing little hottie.
She's smart, and fun, and hot.
Yeah, and?
That's the problem.
I can't just stop banging
a bunch of different girls
and just bang one girl, you know?
I see a hot girl and I have to have her.
It's bigger than me.
Yeah, but it might be different
when you're with Mandy. You don't know.
No, it won't.
It won't. Trust me, dude. I can't control it.
Sure you can.
How? With castration?
Have you tried punching your balls a lot?
No, dude. I got it.
Next time you see a hot girl
and you start getting
all hot and bothered by her,
just picture her taking a shit, man.
One of those nasty ones, too. You know,
when she's all pushing and grunting, like...
(GRUNTS)
Then all of a sudden...
Just splatters the porcelain.
You're an idiot.
Yeah? Do you still
wanna bang the waitress?
No, as a matter of fact,
I can say that I don't at the moment.
See? You're cured.
Ta-da!
You can thank me later, bro.
As for me,
I'd still bang the waitress.
I don't care
if she drops a deuce in my mouth.
- Yeah, not hungry any more.
- Neither am I, man.
Pussies.
Thanks, fellows, for ruining
my favourite place to eat. Appreciate it.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Fergus, what's up?
Dude, I've got two doctors. It's all set up.
Cash buffet.
They're leaving a trail of money, dude.
Okay, cool, I'm on my way.
All right. If you'll excuse me, gentlemen,
I have some business to attend to.
You're gonna go let the Big Dog eat, Eric?
Big Dog gonna eat good?
(BARKING)
Go feed the dog, Eric.
He doesn't like me.
Nice one there, Carlton.
If I've told you once, I've told you
a thousand times to keep your head down.
You're one to talk. With your side to side,
it's like you're swinging a machete.
Maybe I am.
ERIC: (SOFTLY) Damn it.
(LAUGHS) Well, now there's a nice swing.
Hey, Carlton, I bet you 100 bucks
that you can't hit one 200 yards.
CARLTON: It's just money.
Make it $200 and you're on.
Fine, you're on.
Watch and learn.
(SIGHS)
Easy come, easy go.
It's a pleasure doing business with you, sir.
Who thinks they can do 250?
- Thanks for coming by on such short notice.
- No worries.
I know what it's like to be stressed
and need a little release. (GIGGLING)
Let go.
Hey, and stop worrying about Mandy, okay?
- She's just growing up.
- Thanks.
I doubt she'd go to my parents,
but you never know what a girl will do
when she gets all emo.
Well, the main target of her rage
is gonna be Eric, right?
Good. Maybe it'll put an end
to her whole childish crush.
I doubt it.
He's gonna crash and burn.
And we women, oh, we love that.
I'll see you at the photo shoot
on Wednesday.
(SINGING) You can call me
You can claw me
You can cover me up with dirt
You little feline flirt
Here, kitty, kitty
Won't you be my kitty cat?
(GROANING)
Not my lucky day, I guess.
That's, what, five for you guys, four for me?
And we're just getting warmed up.
CARLTON: No, you idiot, he let us win those.
No.
Is that true, kid?
Are you toying with us?
If you want, I can just give you
your 100 bucks now.
We'll just call it a day.
See that, Carlton? Kid's just nervous.
Now, I think we should double the stakes.
Say, $200 a hole?
ERIC: It's just money, right,
so why don't we just
make it $500?
Well, if it's just money, why don't we make it
50 grand and really have some fun?
Fifty grand?
You're nuts. I don't have that kind of money.
- Maybe you don't have that kind of nuts.
- Maybe you should get on the man-wagon.
- Maybe you should man up.
- Maybe grow some balls.
- Maybe.
- All right. All right, fine.
- Let's play.
- All right.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If you lose, how are you going to pay us?
We'll figure something out.
That's not good.
Do you know what we do for a living, Eric?
Well, let me see, based on the outfits
and the slice that can only be perfected
by playing once a week,
I'm gonna guess doctors.
We're not just doctors.
- We're plastic surgeons.
- And damn good ones, too.
Okay, great. You're still shitty golfers.
He does this.
Then you won't mind signing this release?
What is that?
That's a release form.
You see, we need a test patient.
So, should you lose
and not be able to cover the bet,
you can pay us in trade.
I'm sorry. Come again?
It's just that we need someone
to try out our patented procedure on.
You wanna operate on me?
- No, no surgery, no cuts.
- No, no.
It's just a simple little cosmetic touch-up,
it's completely reversible.
You're out of your minds.
See, I told you he didn't think
that he could beat us.
We'll just pay someone...
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Let me tell you something. You two couldn't
beat me on my worst day. Blindfolded.
It's 50 grand.
And I'll tell you what. We'll forget about
the 100 bucks you owe us,
and we'll play fresh from this hole on.
What's the matter, kid,
you don't need 50 large?
Never lost to a doctor.
Prepare to kiss your money goodbye,
gentlemen. You're on.
Hey, Fergus. You witness this?
And your last name.
All right.
It's signed, it's official.
Let's tee this puppy up.
- Nice.
- Hey.
You guys smell that?
(SNIFFING)
What?
My comeback.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
That reminds me of your drive
when you won the club championship here.
Was that 2006 or 2007?
No, you won in 2007, right?
You know I can't keep track any more.
He can't.
Well, looky there.
I believe that puts us up one hole already.
Should I call the nurses
and tell them to start scrubbing up?
All right. That'll be all, Fergus.
It was a pleasure doing business with you.
Dude, I've got two kids. Maybe more.
Yeah? I hope you sleep well later,
Sammy the Bull.
Packing a gun.
(GROANING)
Nice one, kid.
You could win, we could win. It's so close.
This is bullshit. You guys hustled me.
This isn't even a fair match.
I gotta play solo, you get to ham-and-egg it
the whole way.
What about all that trash-talking
you were doing earlier?
Yeah, besides, you agreed to the terms.
- The terms are bullshit.
- The terms are signed.
And witnessed.
CARLTON: Last hole, a lot of pressure.
It's okay. You'll look good with
a little enhancement, Mr Perfect.
Shut the fuck up.
(MUTTERS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hey, thanks a lot, guys. That was fun.
Had a good time.
(ERIC LAUGHING)
Holy shit!
No fucking way.
HAMILTON: Nice shot, partner!
- Time to collect on our little agreement.
- The bet is off.
Oh, come on, now. You gave us your word.
You guys are on glue
if you think I'm hanging.
Now, that is no way
to behave like a real man, Eric.
- Not a man on the man-wagon.
- That's right.
- Fuck you both. I'm out of here.
- You know what? We thought you'd say that.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (GROANS)
Instant and effective anaesthetic.
- Can I try?
- Be careful.
Are you ready for me?
Mandy.
Mandy.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
You gonna give it to me now, Big Dog Eric?
Mandy?
(MONITOR BEEPING)
Mandy.
HAMILTON: Okay.
Mandy.
Little more pressure.
CARLTON: Easy, easy.
Easy.
Easy.
- Easy.
- HAMILTON: Nice.
Okay, now just a little...
Okay, just a little more.
- CARLTON: Easy does it. Great.
- Mandy.
- There.
- Yeah. Wow.
Here's to...
BOTH: Par-fection!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hmm?
Morning, sunshine.
Who's this?
Someone from your home state.
I got someone that wants to talk at you, boy.
Hi, Eric.
Professor Watley?
You want that "A" we talked about,
you're going to have to do
some extracurricular activities.
Let me talk at him.
Let me talk at him.
Hey, you best start going to class, boy.
What's your pappy gonna say?
Spending all that money.
The noose is tightening, boy.
The noose is tightening.
(MOANING)
(EXCLAIMS)
The South will rise again!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- What?
- TYLER: Wake up, bitch.
- Huh?
- Dude, are you okay?
You don't sound too good.
Man, my head is killing me.
Serves you right, jackass.
That's what you get
for partying for two days straight.
I bet you already blew through
that money you won, huh?
- What?
- The golf match.
I thought Fergus hooked you up
the other day.
- Yeah, I don't know.
- Whatever.
Just get down here ASAP.
I'm on my way. I'm already in the car.
I'll be there.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(WATER RUNNING)
(INAUDIBLE)
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, my God. What the fuck?
(GROANS)
What the fuck is that?
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
(PHONE RINGING)
You on your way?
Tyler, Tyler,
I got a big fucking problem, man.
- I just woke up...
- lf you're not on your way here,
you're damn right you have a problem.
- No, no, no...
- No, you don't understand.
Get down here, pronto.
Dude, I'm not kidding, all right?
I'll kill you with my bare hands.
No, Tyler, I...
Fuck!
Excuse me, sir, I'm looking for... (EXCLAIMS)
Got jugs?
Nice rack, bro. (LAUGHS)
Hi, mister.
Need some nuts?
(SCREAMING)
Fuck!
Fuck.
She unzips her wedding dress.
It falls to the floor,
and she's completely naked.
She looks at me and she goes,
"I'm not married yet,
"so how about a couple of pictures
for your personal collection?"
- Bullshit.
- No, I swear to God. It's totally true.
I got the pictures. You wanna see them?
E- mail.
Men.
- The man of the hour.
- All right, let's do this thing.
I can't do this right now.
(LAUGHS) What's with the jacket, dude?
- It's like 80 out there.
- Listen to me.
I can't do this right now.
Eric, I'm not letting you do this to me again,
all right?
- lf you want to screw...
- Tyler.
No. If you want to screw around
and mess up your own life, fine.
But I'll be damned
if I'm gonna let you screw up mine.
- Tyler...
- I'm not finished. I'm not finished, all right?
You spend all of your free time just trying to
bone any girl that'll smile at you. No!
And your game has gone to complete shit
because all you do is hustle.
And now, you want to screw up
everything we've worked for.
All I need you to do is step up, be a man,
and do this photo shoot,
so I can get the advertising campaign going.
And you can't even do that,
'cause it's always about you, Eric.
What are you doing?
What the hell is this? A joke?
- I wish.
- Very funny. Okay, you got me.
Just take those off
and let's go do the photo shoot, all right?
Let's go.
Ty, this is not a joke. I'm serious.
Those aren't real.
They are real. Give me.
TYLER: Holy fucking shit!
(STUTTERS) This is messed up, man.
I know.
- How the hell could this have happened?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
- Don't know.
- We gotta do something.
- I know!
Hey, you guys all right?
- Yeah, yeah, we're good.
- Yeah, yeah, we're good.
We're just...
- We're good.
- We're just...
Give us a minute.
Talent, you know.
So this is what you've been doing
the last two days?
I guess. I don't know.
I don't remember anything.
- What are we gonna do?
- Just relax, all right? I got it.
We have a problem with the clothes.
- What?
- I know.
I pulled the wrong sizes.
- He's gonna be pissed.
- I know.
Can you just handle it for me, please?
I need him out of here.
Just, whatever you have to do.
- Just get him out of here.
- Great.
- PHOTOGRAPHER: What? What is going on?
- There's a little problem with the clothes.
But they're going to fix it,
and we're gonna have to postpone.
And you're sure
you've never seen these doctors before?
(SIGHS)
No, I don't know.
No. I don't think so.
But you're sure about their names?
Yeah, Hamilton and Carlton.
So...
Have you, like, pinched them and stuff?
- Come on, dude.
- I'm just naturally curious.
No, see, this is why
I didn't want to talk to you about this.
- I'm not trying to be a dick or anything.
- Shut up, you are
- trying to be a dick.
- It's not like I'm ever going to know.
- What's the big deal?
- Just fucking drop it.
Too soon?
Why'd you take the bet?
It was 50 grand.
You should have been able
to sniff this one out.
I thought I had them.
I would've had them, too,
if I had my partner there.
Don't put this on me, all right?
I'm the one that told you to quit hustling.
It just ends up screwing with your game,
or in this case, giving you tits.
What do we do now?
"We", huh?
Come on, Ty.
Well, first thing we gotta do
is track down these doctors, all right?
And get them to take the tits out.
Then, we sue them for everything they got.
- Sound good?
- Yeah, sounds good.
Do me a favour, though.
Don't tell Mandy.
(PHONE RINGING)
What?
(WHOOPING) We're testy, ain't we?
- What is it, that time of the month?
- What?
(LAUGHS)
Oh, it's you. Listen, man,
I really don't have time for this right now.
Oh, I completely understand, Eric.
No problem at all.
Why don't I bust out my scheduler.
Okay, now what time should I
pencil you in for? Shall we say 4:00?
Believe me, you are not
the most pressing issue in my life right now.
Is that so?
Well, then maybe I ought to
make myself more pressing. Hmm?
Try to scare me all you want.
You're not scary to me any more.
Okay? You want to know what scary is?
Try waking up tomorrow morning
with a set of tits, pal. That's scary.
I try to wake up
with a set of tits every day, fool.
What the hell is wrong with this boy?
Ain't nothing scary about that.
I got the address.
- Hamilton and Carlton?
- Yes, please have a seat.
Excuse me! Excuse me!
You can't go in there! Please, stop.
Dude, we should've knocked.
- Sorry, Doctor, I told them.
- It's okay.
Eric, I'm with a patient.
Fuck you, psycho.
We need to talk, right now.
About what?
About what? About these.
Those are exactly what I want.
- Can you excuse me for just a minute?
- Sure.
Okay. Sweetheart,
would you stay with Taylor?
I'm gonna take care of these gentlemen.
- Fourteen-pounders?
- Yeah.
- You like them?
- I do.
Look what the surgeon dragged in.
Wow. Looking good, Eric.
Nice to see you again.
Cut the shit.
You gave me tits, you're taking them out.
Chocolate, boys?
The way we remember it is,
we had a deal, Eric.
Fuck the deal.
You hustled me, motherfucker.
- You hustled me, motherfucker!
- Yo, yo. Chill, chill, chill.
It was a fair bet. You agreed to the terms.
We've got the legal forms in our files.
Signed and witnessed.
- Any soreness?
- Get off me! I don't care what you have.
You performed surgery on me
against my will, dick.
- Yeah, we'll go to the cops!
- Nice to see you, Tyler.
Mr PAHR.
- How do you know me?
- It doesn't matter.
You can do what you want.
You can protest, you can go to the cops.
But the fact remains is,
you signed the release
and we were just performing the surgery
to your wishes.
All right, come on. What's it gonna take
to cover the bet and get them out?
(MOUTHING)
Fifty grand.
- He doesn't have that much.
- Then the hooters stay.
All right, you know what?
I'll just go to another surgeon.
They'll take them out for less than 50 grand.
Might even feel sorry for me
and take them out for free.
Yeah, let's go.
You know what?
That's not like that, actually.
It's a patented procedure
that nobody can perform but the two of us.
In fact, there's not a doctor in the free world
who'd risk his career to even touch you.
Better hope we stay healthy.
And should you decide to go to Mexico
or some other such place,
or, God forbid, take them out yourself,
here's what would likely happen.
(SNICKERING)
- It's upside down.
- There we go. Sorry about that.
Picture your mom's face
as she opens up the mail one day.
Or your dad.
"What has our son done to himself?"
- You don't even know my parents.
- You mean Mr Doug Keller,
majority stock-holder
of Oswald Manufacturing,
charter member
of Champion Creek Country Club?
Imagine the first board meeting.
A crisp white envelope
for each board member
containing a nice eight-by-ten glossy
of the favourite son.
With a sweet set of hooters.
The only modelling you're gonna be doing
is for our next ad campaign.
- Hey, that's good.
- I'm an idea man.
You guys are sick.
Why me? What did I do to you?
You lost a bet, hotshot.
Now, bring us the 50 grand
and end this freak show.
How am I supposed to
come up with 50 grand?
You're a smart kid.
You'll think of something.
Now, why don't you two boys run along
before we send our office manager
out for stamps.
And, Eric.
Get us that 50 grand within two weeks
or Hamilton and I are gonna start
a mass-mailing campaign.
(WHIRRING)
And let us know if there's any leakage.
There shouldn't be any, but let us know.
(SOFTLY) Leakage, very bad.
Toodeloo, boys.
Calm down.
Stop, man, we need to figure this out.
You done?
Come on.
What are we gonna do for the 50 grand?
What about your dad?
- No, Tyler. Not an option.
- Come on, he's your dad.
- Dude, he'll understand.
- Oh, yeah, you think so?
"Yeah, hey, Dad, it's me.
"I lost a bet on the golf course
and I owe some guy 50 grand.
"I'm not going to class any more
'cause I fucked my teacher,
"and I lost my car. It got repossessed
because I spent all my money at Players.
"And, by the way, I have a set of tits.
Can you wire me 50 grand?"
- Are you out of your mind?
- We might need to wordsmith that a bit.
Yeah, you think?
How much can PAHR help?
If I had 50 grand,
I would've dropped out a long time ago.
So, what are we gonna do?
Best ball.
You mean it? You're back?
I put everything I had into
PAHR's new advertising campaign
featuring you, all right?
You can't do it like this.
But hey, this time it's gonna be different.
All right?
No partying, no drinking, no sex. All right?
Nothing but practise and sleep. Understand?
Yeah, no, totally. Yeah.
Where am I gonna go party with these?
Yes, for sure.
Whatever you say. You're the boss.
Okay, we need opponents, fast.
We gotta spread the word.
Take anything that comes our way.
- Think we can pull this off?
- Damn straight.
Hey, listen, Tyler...
Yeah, yeah. Don't get all queery-bit on me,
Barbie. All right?
Come on, let's go win some money.
MAN: So, what's the stakes?
What are we playing for?
- Five thousand.
- Five thousand's good.
- Sound good?
- Sounds good.
What's the matter?
You got the shanks now?
My bad. I must've slipped.
Don't worry about it. All right?
Just don't do it again.
- All right.
- All right.
What's the deal, man?
Get your head in the game.
It's not my head, it's this jacket.
Then take it off.
Seriously, it's 1,000 degrees out here.
- You're probably lactating under there.
- Give me a few strokes. I'll get it.
- I'll get it.
- All right.
That's it, all right? Take it off, now.
- Dude, take it off.
- Fuck, dude!
- What the fuck, man?
- My rules! My rules, remember? My rules.
- Take it off.
- All right.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Thank you.
What the hell is that?
What? Are we here to play golf
or stare at my friend's deformity?
That's sick. I'm not playing
with no freak show, that's for sure.
Fine. Then just give us the money
and be on your way.
Don't worry, Dan. We can handle these two.
All right, fine. Fine, all right.
- What's your problem?
- Is it wrong I wanna touch them?
(BOTH GROANING)
Hey.
(GROANS)
You have got to loosen up.
They're out now and there's nothing
you can do about it, all right?
So just get it out of your mind and just play.
(EXHALES)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Fuck!
Maybe we should take the day off, man.
Give your mind some time to wrap around...
That isn't the problem.
They're flopping all over the place!
TYLER: He'll be here soon, all right?
ERIC: I can't believe
we're relying on this guy.
TYLER: Just trust me, all right?
- Seriously, dude. I had no idea.
- Whatever, man. You're dead to me.
(STUTTERS) I didn't know.
Hey.
- I can't wear this, it's pink.
- But it's Nike. "Just do it."
(EXCLAIMS)
- Make sure nobody sees me.
- I got you, don't worry.
You guys want to turn around?
Give the man some privacy.
You can reach over and hold each other
if you want, but that's about it, all right?
- You all right?
- Yeah, I got it.
Turn around! I'm serious.
- How does that feel?
- It's tight.
Look, we can take care of that, all right?
For now, grip it and rip it.
All right. (EXHALING)
(TYLER EXCLAIMS)
- He's back, baby. How did that feel?
- Good. Real good.
TYLER: You boys are in trouble now.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
All right, cough it up. Let's go.
It's okay, don't be bummed out.
Losing makes you stronger.
- Here.
- Thanks.
You boys ready to play some golf or what?
You can play with these if you want.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHEERING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Do I look fat to you?
- (LAUGHS) What?
- Be honest.
Oh, shit.
- TYLER: What's up, guys?
- Hey, man. What's up?
How's it going. What's up, man?
MARK: Hey, E-dog, where you been, man?
Everyone's been looking for you.
- Hey, what up?
- What's up, man?
Hey, we're going to go get some beers
over at Players.
You guys should totally come.
Dude, that would be awesome, but...
- I'm just tired.
- Yeah, I'm beat.
We've been working.
We got the photo shoot...
Yeah, we got tons of stuff to do.
Wait. You guys are turning down beers?
What's going on here?
Yeah, you've disappeared for two days.
You going snowboarding or something?
What's up with that jacket?
- Okay, all right...
- Ty, no.
- They need to know. They need to know!
- You guys, what's going on?
We need money fast, all right.
PAHR's future depends on it.
Problem solved, you guys.
Why didn't you tell me sooner?
My roommate freshman year had a girlfriend
whose cousin lived across the street
from a friend of Darius Vernon.
- What? I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
You know, O.G., Ice Pyk.
Ice Pizzy in the hizzy.
The rapper?
He's a music producer now.
He lives here in San Diego.
I could get us a meeting.
Dude, no, no.
Are you kidding me?
That guy's a huge businessman.
He invests in companies
in San Diego all the time.
- No, we'll raise the money ourselves.
- Thank you.
You really wanna help us out,
you really wanna do us a favour?
You hear of anybody that's looking for
some golf action, you send them our way.
- Okay.
- All right.
Shut up.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Not happening?
- Nope.
(GIGGLING)
Oh, my God, Mandy.
Your brother is gonna totally flip.
Eric P. Keller. Where's my car, boy?
- Oh, shit.
- Come here, man.
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
ERIC: Sorry.
Keep running, I'm gonna track you.
I'm gonna get you.
(EXCLAIMS)
End of the line, turkey balls!
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
where did that little shitbird go?
If he hollers, don't let him go.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe!
(ERIC SCREAMS)
ERIC: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Can't a lady
get a little bit of privacy! Get out, asshole!
Excuse me. I'm sorry, ma'am. Excuse me.
Get out, you fucking dick.
Goddamn California.
TYLER: I can't believe
you talked me into this.
I don't even know what to say to this guy.
Relax. Didn't you pitch
the whole PAHR 72 thing to your professor?
Yeah, and he hated it, all right? No.
And that was just a professor.
I didn't have to worry about him killing me
if he didn't like the idea.
Dude, look around.
There's plenty of people here.
If he kills us, there'll be lots of witnesses.
I'm joking, man. You're too uptight.
We'll be fine.
Mr Vernon will be with you shortly.
You can wait right over there.
(EXHALING)
I should've used the bathroom before I left.
There's a bathroom right there.
Can't.
Oh, man, I never knew you were
one of those guys that can't crap in public.
- That's hilarious.
- That's not it.
- Yeah, it is.
- I like to take a shower afterwards.
Oh, my God.
You have to take a shower after you shit?
Maybe you're doing something wrong, dude.
It's just preference.
No. I know a lot about poop.
I'm gonna help you out with this, bro.
I got a lot of experience with this.
Okay, first of all,
are you sitting down when you're doing it?
- Dude, it's just preference.
- Are you sitting down?
Yes, cock-monkey, I'm sitting down.
What about your pants?
Are your pants still pulled up
or do you have them down?
- I knew I shouldn't have said anything.
- lf you still have them pulled up,
I think I might've solved
the problem right there.
- You're such a prick, you know that?
- Toilet paper.
Are you remembering
to use toilet paper afterwards?
- 'Cause that could be it.
- You're not getting this.
Dude, what am I not getting here?
Why can't you shit like a normal person?
Okay, smart guy,
next time you have to take a shit,
shit in your hand,
and then wipe that shit with toilet paper
and then tell me that your hand is clean.
- Okay, I see your point.
- Exactly.
Dude, I get that, okay.
But there are some places on my body
I'm willing to accept the fact
they're not always 100% clean.
I mean, I eat with my hands sometimes,
but never my ass.
Mr Vernon will see you now.
All right, saggy diapers,
see if you can keep your poop in your pants
long enough to get through this.
I make no promises.
Dude, don't worry about it. Okay?
The guy that lived across from me
freshman year was black.
What?
My assistant says
you have a business proposition for me.
Well, Mr Ice Pyk.
Just Darius.
Darius, do you play golf?
Just broke 90.
That's sweet.
Anyway, I started this golf company called
PAHR.
We make golf clothes.
So anyway, we...
I got it.
(IN AFRICAN-AMERICAN ACCENT) Yo,
check it, dog. Here's the dizzle, my nizzle.
My homeboy T-bone here be all up
in the membranes like some Einstein shit,
talking bout swole in the dome, right?
He started this fat-ass biz,
selling some fly-ass golf threads.
Plus, he be rolling deep with this badass
golfer who got mad skills like Tiger and shit.
But now he's all hurting for snaps.
So, I'm all like, "Bitch, hit up a bank, yo."
He's all like, "Nigga, please."
So, that's why I brought him to you.
Trust me, homie, you gonna look like
the motherfucking bomb
sporting T-bone's fly-ass threads.
Ain't no better way
to get a fly-ass shorty
with a fat-ass booty
come jocking on the old ice pick,
you know what I'm saying?
She sees you with a big-ass club,
busting a cap in the ball's izzass,
she'll be all up in yo junk
and you'll be waxing that ass
like a drop-top six-fo in no time.
(TYLER MOUTHING)
I mean, you look like
a man who likes booty, right?
I love booty.
I put on one of these golf joints,
went to the club,
fifteen big-ass booty ho's
were all up in my shit.
It was like a sea of Missy Elliotts in the joint.
I'm telling you, yo, T-bone's clothes
are fitting to blow the fuck up,
and you got a chance to get up in that shit
on the ground motherfucking floor.
You going be one rich nigga. Feel me?
(IN NORMAL ACCENT)
I thought that went pretty...
Not a word, Mark. Not a fucking word.
What the hell?
I want you to find out everything you can
about this golf company, PAHR.
Yo, E-dizzle.
You sure you wanna trade cars?
Mine's a shit box.
This thing is practically new.
Yeah, yeah. Just temporarily.
I got this chaw-chomping,
redneck repo-man guy looking for me.
Once he starts missing his goats,
he'll head back to Virginia.
Okay.
You cannot bring this anywhere near
my apartment, anywhere near school.
Yeah. Sure.
Awesome.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
Thanks, E-dog.
WOMAN: Nice ride, boys.
Dude. This car is nectar, bro.
- Sweet.
- Yes.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- We're so cool.
- Hell yeah.
- Dude, your phone.
- It's not my phone.
Well, it's not my phone.
- Hello.
- DOUG: This is Eric's dad.
Oh, hey, Eric's dad. It's Mark.
- Is Eric around?
- No, he's not here.
He lent me his car.
I guess he forgot to take his phone out.
You're driving Eric's car?
Did he tell you about the brakes?
- No, he didn't tell me about the brakes.
- Well, he told me there was a recall.
So I put together a list of dealers in the area
so he could get them fixed.
- Wow. Okay.
- Have him give me a call when you see him.
- Yeah, sure. I'll tell him you called.
- Thanks.
Dude, no wonder he gave me the car.
This thing needs new brakes.
What?
- Two can play at that game.
- Wait. What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna fix this thing.
I'm keeping this bitch.
(ALL CHEERING)
That's five.
How can we lose to anybody that has boobs?
Nice job.
Give a girl a titty hit.
(FAST MUSIC PLAYING)
I can smell him. I know he's close.
Bingo.
(WHOOPING)
Hey, back it off, Ho Chi Minh, back it off.
Or I'll put these size-12 American-made
boots right up your ass.
(LAUGHING)
Tell your boy Eric I got his ass.
I think you're gonna need these.
(REPO MAN EXCLAIMS)
(CAR CRASHING)
TYLER: $40,100...
$40,200.
We're still short.
- Deadline's tomorrow.
- Yeah.
But this is a lot of money.
I mean, it's got to count for something.
Right?
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Here it is. Most of it, anyway.
Most of it? I don't like the sound of that.
Do you, Carlton?
It's almost all there, it's like $40,200.
Almost isn't all.
Eric, we're businessmen.
We can be reasonable.
What is this little venture you have
with your partner?
Some kind of clothing line?
What are you, the fucking Hardy Boys?
How do you know about that?
Once again, not your concern.
What would you say
the value of this little company is?
- Why?
- Perhaps a barter is in order?
You give us the company
and we take Cagney and Lacey out.
I can't. I only own half the company.
Tyler owns the other half.
I can't. I can't give it away. It's not mine.
Well, then the tits stay.
- I'm just gonna run off to the post office...
- Wait, come on.
Hey, we can be reasonable here, right?
How about if we play
you and your partner, Tyler?
That way, if you win, you keep the $40,000
and we take these out, everybody's happy.
And if you lose...
They get PAHR if we lose?
We won't lose.
Come on, we won't. You said it yourself,
I'm playing the best golf of my life.
Maybe it's the tits.
Okay.
But do you really want to bet
our entire future off on a single golf match?
We're not betting anything away.
Just think about what PAHR could do
with that money.
We could pay ourselves salaries.
So whatever. Let's just go
beat these assholes, keep their money.
Our money.
- Come on, Ty. It's one last game.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Let's do this.
- Let's do it.
ERIC: I'm sorry,
why are you bringing me here?
TYLER: Joslyn said it was important.
I don't know, man.
- They're here. Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Come on, we've been waiting for you.
What took you so long? Join us.
Hey, boys.
- What's going on?
- Have a seat, Eric.
Yeah, straddle that bench.
E- dog, listen, man,
we're seriously worried about you.
You've been drinking way too much.
You flat-out disappear.
It's gotten to the point where you messed up
a very important photo shoot.
What's up with that jacket?
And you almost put your best friend
and business partner through financial ruin.
And you put me and Jason in danger, man.
Okay, guys. What's going on here?
Tyler, this is an intervention. We're trying
to help Eric get through his issues.
- He doesn't have any issues. He's fine.
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(EXCLAIMING)
Intervention? Hold on a second.
Hold on. I don't have an issue.
- Denial.
- See, textbook, man. You got a problem.
Guys, I really appreciate
what you're trying to do here, all right?
But Eric and I have everything under control.
Tyler, no. You're not helping!
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Hold on! Hold on a second!
Everybody just shut up for a second!
I'm not an alcoholic.
Well, I am, sort of,
like in a college frat boy kind of way,
but look, that's not the issue. Okay?
- These are.
- (GASPING)
- What the fuck?
- Okay, this is beyond...
- Okay, don't freak. Hold on a second.
- This is beyond an intervention.
- Jos, I can explain everything.
- The whole fuck buddy, booty call...
Wait a minute, that's what you've been
doing the last two weeks?
No.
Come on, Big Dog, bust them out again,
man. I wanna see them.
Stay the fuck away from me, Mark.
I'll give you the fucking haymaker, man.
Look, I really care about you,
but this is really fucked up, Tyler.
I can explain everything, all right?
Dude, he's got jiggly titties.
Jiggly titty, you got that jiggly titty.
You got that jiggly titty...
(EXCLAIMING)
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Mark. What are you doing?
- You fucking dick!
Sorry I'm late. What did I miss?
- You are disgusting!
- Mandy, hold on.
- Stop it. Stop it.
- What?
I can explain all this.
Look, it's all a big fuck up, okay.
I know I've been cheating, I've been lying
to people, I've been lying to you,
but the boobs have made me a better person.
- I know, that sounds really stupid.
- Save it, Eric.
I came here tonight
because I was worried about you.
I don't even think you and I
are on the same planet.
No, no, that's not true. We are.
(INAUDIBLE)
(MIMICKING ERIC) "Come on, Mandy,
they're only a C-cup."
(MIMICKING MANDY) "Only a C-cup?
They're bigger than mine."
"Why are you so mad? I got them for you."
"Eric, I said if you got boobs,
they'd have to be a B-cup."
"I'm sorry,
but four titties are better than two. Right?"
"No. Oh, my God, Eric,
I am not a lesbian any more."
"Just touch them one time.
Don't you want to motorboat?"
No, I'm not into kinky stuff.
Who said I was into kinky stuff?
- I can't do this.
- Let me explain. Shit.
Dude.
Can I get my car keys?
Thanks, man. The repo man took your car.
- What?
- I know, I know.
Get in the car, Vanilla Ice.
Hey, Mandy. What's up? It's Eric.
Just calling to see what's up.
Give me a call when you get this.
I'd love to hear from you.
Yeah, give me a buzz.
Ready?
What's going on?
- What is all this?
- What does it look like?
You guys are on the map.
And I got San Diego CNTV
to stream the whole thing.
Why are all these people here?
- It doesn't matter.
- Really?
- It works out in our favour, though.
- And how's that?
Well, you see, Mr Cover Girl
can't hide from this kind of publicity.
Company stays on top. PAHR goes down.
Mmm-hmm. Good.
What's the president of Ash-Whole
doing here?
If I were you, I wouldn't worry about that.
I'd be worrying about the double bogeys
coming your way.
Bogey-bogey.
He put you up to this.
That's why you want PAHR.
Put us up to this? No.
We created this company.
We're the majority stock holders.
What? You think you are the only two
geniuses that can sell a cotton-poly blend?
Enough! Get ready to have your asses
handed to you.
The only ass that's gonna be handed
is yours.
- Oh, wait. Here's your ass now.
- And here's a spanking.
(EXCLAIMS) Faster. Yeah, smack that ass.
- CARLTON: Pastor, that hurts.
- Right.
Anybody hear anything from Mandy?
She said she had something important to do.
I haven't seen Mark in two days either.
Hey, I just found out the answer
to this whole mystery.
I'm gonna go hit some balls.
MAN: We're live in three, two...
Hi, I'm Scott, and welcome to
the first annual Cuda Challenge,
brought to you by San Diego CNTV.
We're here at the beautiful
Borrego Springs Resort.
It's a hot one, and tensions are mounting,
so grab a cold drink,
we're about ready to tee off.
Fucking golf.
They've got me broadcasting fucking golf...
(ALL CHEERING)
An extremely blustery day
here at the course,
as we get a look at
the PAHR team's secret weapon up close
to begin the tournament.
- Hello, Scott.
- We welcome Stephanie to the broadcast.
Her handlers finally finished with
the Herculean task of applying her makeup.
Now that I can see your crow's feet up close,
I can cancel my trip to the Grand Canyon.
(LAUGHING)
Let's do it.
My back is killing me, dude.
That's what we're here to fix. Let's do it.
(FAST MUSIC PLAYING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Eric.
Great place to put a fucking tree.
Oh, yeah.
(EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHS)
HAMILTON: Oh, Daddy!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
It's okay, let that one go. It's okay.
- No, no.
- Don't do this.
Son of a bitch.
- What was that?
- I don't know.
BOTH: Eric sucks at golf. Eric sucks at golf.
I don't think it's too early to call.
With the docs this far ahead,
I'm putting my money on them.
We'll be right back.
What the hell was that?
- Had to lay up.
- Bullshit. You could've made that shot.
- No, not today I can't.
- What's the matter with you?
We've finally got a surefire way of getting
rid of those things and you're blowing it.
- I was hoping Mandy would come.
- That ship has sailed, my friend. All right?
You blew your chance with her.
There's nothing we can do about it now.
Just get your head in the game, Eric.
Looks like your friend is
getting used to having that rack.
I'm getting the impression that
he wants to keep them forever and ever.
No, stop. All right.
You can't do this to me, man.
We're gonna lose if you don't pick it up.
No, I can't beat these guys
on my own. Okay?
I know, I'm sorry. It's this thing with Mandy.
I'm in love with her, Ty.
- What?
- I know. I don't know.
Ever since I got these hooters,
I don't feel complete without her.
Okay.
Let's just not talk about that right now.
I need you to focus, okay?
I can't. Not until I...
- Oh, shit. It's my dad.
- What?
You sent that envelope?
- Yes, we definitely sent the envelope.
- Yeah, sorry.
CARLTON: It was just sitting there
with a stamp on it.
HAMILTON: And it slipped into the box.
- Hey, Dad, I can explain this...
- It's okay, Eric. I know what happened.
- You do?
- Mandy told me everything.
Mandy?
- Hey.
- Hey, you.
Hey, it's really good to see you.
I'm sorry I'm late, I just wanted to make sure
your dad understood everything.
Like I finally did.
Mandy tells me
you made $50,000 playing golf.
Yeah.
Why didn't you just come to me?
No, I couldn't come to you.
It was my fault. I got in way over my head.
I was letting golf
get in the way of my classes, and I wasn't...
Whoa!
$50,000 from golf?
Maybe the school is getting in the way
of your golf.
I mean, it's something to think about.
Now you better get back in there.
Unless you plan on keeping those ta-tas.
Mandy, on the other hand...
She's a keeper.
- I'll see you on the 18th.
- All right, Dad.
Wait, Mandy, hold on.
Come on, take your shot
or forfeit the hole, Erica.
(EXCLAIMING)
- Served.
- Psych.
- You need to go.
- No, I have to say this first. Okay?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't realise how stupid I was.
I'm sorry it took you giving up on me
in order for me to figure out
that I can't give up on you.
None of this means anything now.
The tits, the golf game,
none of it means anything
unless I know that we still have a shot.
None of it matters
unless I know I haven't lost you.
Eric, you never lost me.
It's gonna take a lot more than
another set of boobs to come between us.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
We can talk more later.
First, you need to get out there
and show those slimeballs
how a real man plays golf.
(EXCLAIMS)
- Everything okay?
- Everything is perfect.
- Ready to finish this?
- Hell yeah.
Let's do it.
Bore me to death.
(CHEERING)
Yes! Unbelievable. Yes!
Oh, my God!
(ALL CHEERING)
(GUNSHOT)
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
That bold prediction you made earlier
really didn't pan out for you, did it, Steph?
Bite me.
And we're tied here at the 18th,
while everybody waits patiently
for their favourite freak.
What are you thinking?
A little right to left, slightly uphill.
All right, you got this, man.
Sink it and we win.
(ALL CHEERING)
Yes!
- You did it.
- We did it.
- Thanks, Dad.
- That was a good one.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
- You guys, wow! Super duper.
- Super duper.
Just want you to know,
you didn't think we were really gonna
honour our little agreement, did you?
- You're keeping those titties.
- And we're still going to crush PAHR.
Good game, fellows. Nice. (WHOOPS)
- Call us.
-1-800-NuBOOBS.
(HORN HONKING)
Relax, man, it's cool.
I like your line.
- Still looking for investors?
- Yeah.
- But the last time, you said...
- Yeah, I know about the last time.
And I'm sure
that'll never happen again, right?
- No, no.
- My man.
And my man Mark here. He's all right, too.
Not only that,
but homeboy can bust a hell of a rhyme.
Jiggly titties, you got that jiggly titties.
- Stupid.
- Okay.
No, but seriously, dog.
Whatever you need, it's covered. Deal?
Deal.
(WHISPERING)
- Those guys right there?
- Yeah.
No problem, man. I got you.
Hey, fellows.
- Okay, got to go.
- Have you had work done?
See you first thing tomorrow morning, Docs.
HAMILTON: Serpentine, serpentine.
CARLTON: I voted for Obama.
Oh, my God.
There's the girl of my dreams, right there.
Yo, E-dog, watch me work my magic.
(EXCLAIMS)
Stupid.
All right,
let's hear it for Eric and Tyler, everybody.
(ALL CHEERING)
If the PAHR Cups dual counter-balance
chest gear for men can improve my swing,
imagine what it can do for yours.
Get your set at PAHR.com today.
You want bigger boobs?
But you're concerned about a long recovery
time interfering with your active lifestyle?
We've got an answer for you.
Call 1-800-NuBOOBS now
for a free consultation.
We've got a new technology,
we've got a patented procedure,
and you get NuBOOBS.
But I have a big golf game in two days.
- Will I be able to play after the procedure?
- Of course you will.
Yay!
- Can you even help someone like me?
- You bet we can.
Wow! Boobies!
Call us today for NuBOOBS.
Call 1-800-NuBOOBS and get yourself
some new boobs this weekend.
- Knockers, jugs, ta-tas.
- Knobs, funbags, milk wagons.
- Dirty pillows, hooters.
- Melons, bazongas.
- Call 1-800-NuBOOBS today.
- Call 1-800-NuBOOBS today.
- Because a perfect person like you...
- Deserves a perfect pair like ours.
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)