Holiday Breakup (2016) Movie Script
[HOWLING]
[COUGHING]
WHEN I WAS A KID
ALL I WANTED WAS
TO GROW UP.
ONCE I DID,
ALL I WANTED WAS
TO BE A KID AGAIN.
I THOUGHT LOVE
COULD MAKE THAT HAPPEN.
I WAS SURE
FALLING IN LOVE
MEANT YOU NEVER
HAD TO GROW UP.
EVERY STORY
HAS A BEGINNING.
[SOBBING]
I'M THE LUCKIEST GIRL
IN THE WORLD,
AND TODAY
IS THE BEST DAY
OF MY LIFE.
AND THIS ISN'T IT.
THIS IS NEAR THE END.
GO BACK.
KEEP GOING BACK.
FURTHER.
FURTHER.
NOPE, GOTTA KEEP MOVING.
THAT'S CUTE,
BUT WE'RE NO THERE YET.
BACK FURTHER.
JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.
OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
THIS IS IT.
THIS IS WHERE
OUR STORY BEGINS.
ANOTHER DAY
HAS JUST BEGUN
YOU SHINING
LIKE A SUN
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,
YES, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
OH, EVERYONE
CAN SEE YOU GLOW
NOW IT'S TIME
FOR YOU TO KNOW
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
YES, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-OH-OH
HEY, SIS, ARE YOU BRINGING
A GUY TO WATCH THE FIREWORKS?
WHY DOES EVERYONE
THINK I NEED A MAN
TO COMPLETE MY LIFE?
BECAUSE WE CAN ALL TELL
HOW MISERABLE YOU ARE.
I'M NOT MISERABLE.
I'M TOTALLY FINE.
-DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY.
-WHAT ABOUT AFTER SERGIO
AND THE TENT OF DOOM
AND DESPAIR?
-CHLOE.
-[MOANS]
IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS.
JUST LEAVE ME
WHAT I NEED.
AND I'LL COME OUT SOON.
I PROMISE.
I THINK. I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S TIME TO COME OU OF THE TENT.
YEAH, I'LL COME OU AS SOON AS I PRY
THE SPOON OUT OF MY COLD
DEAD FINGERS.
I GOTTA GO.
I'M DRIVING, SO--
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
YOUR BEAUTIFUL
-[THUD]
-OH, SHIT.
[TOY SQUEAKS]
HI. BEAUTIFUL DAY,
ISN'T IT?
LISTEN, I JUST HAVE ONE
TEENSY LITTLE THING
TO ASK YOU.
UH, WHA WERE YOU THINKING?
JUST STOPPING LIKE THA IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET?
OH, I'M SORRY,
I WAS DISTRACTED
BY THAT OCTAGONAL SIGN
THERE.
THE RED ONE,
THAT SAYS STOP.
BY THE WAY, I'M FINE,
THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
HELLO, THIS IS L.A.
WE DON'T STOP.
WE PAUSE.
LINGER BRIEFLY.
AND THEN WE KEEP GOING.
YOU'RE NOT FROM
AROUND HERE, ARE YA?
NO, I JUS RELOCATED FROM O.C.
LISTEN, I REALLY AM SORRY
FOR HITTING YOUR CAR.
I'M EASILY DISTRACTED,
BUT I'M TRYING TO CHANGE.
SO, IF THERE'S ANY DAMAGE
TO YOUR CAR AT ALL, REALLY,
UM, THIS SHOULD COVER IT.
I WANT YOU
TO HAVE BABALU.
[CHUCKLES]
WOW.
BABALU?
I'M HONORED.
I'M, UH, GLAD
YOU RAN INTO ME.
PERHAPS I COULD, UH,
BACK UP AND RAM YOU AGAIN?
UM, WELL, HERE'S MY CARD.
SO OFFICIAL.
JEFF, COOL.
IT'S TRUSTWORTHY.
-I SHOULD PROBABLY
GET YOUR NUMBER.
-GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
SUDDENLY I'M BACK
IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.
-OH, WOULDN'T IT BE SO COOL?
-OH, YEAH, AWESOME.
THE MOCKING, WEDGIES,
CONSTANTLY FEELING INFERIOR.
CHLOE.
IT'S A GREAT NAME.
THANK YOU.
I THINK I LIKE YOU.
YOU'RE JUST-- OKAY
UM, ALL RIGHT, WELL...
-ONE QUESTION,
TRUSTWORTHY JEFF.
-YEAH.
DO YOU HAVE PLANS TO WATCH
THE FIREWORKS LATER?
NO.
YOU HAVE TO ADMIT WE CREATE
OUR OWN REALITIES.
COUNTER-INTUITIVE BULLSHI PSYCHO BABBLE.
NOW THERE'S A WHOLE
GENERATION'S BEEN BRAINWASHED
INTO BELIEVING THAT THEY CAN
CHANT OR MYSTICALLY CONJURE
THEIR CONCRETE GOALS
INTO EXISTENCE
ON THEIR SECRE WISH BOARDS.
NO WONDER THE COUNTRY'S
FALLING APART.
HONEY, PLEASE STOP TALKING.
YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE.
-HI, DAD, MOM.
-WELL, HI, HONEY.
-THIS IS JEFF.
-HI. NICE TO MEET YOU, SIR.
HE JUST ESCAPED
FROM ORANGE COUNTY.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE BRINGING SOMEONE.
HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO FIND
SUCH A HANDSOME YOUNG MAN?
I DRUGGED HIM.
AND THEN I BEAT HIM HARD
INTO SUBMISSION.
MOM, YOU GOTTA STOP
PUMPING ME WITH CONFIDENCE.
-SHE REAR-ENDED ME.
-T.M.I., SON.
WHAT CHLOE DOES IN HER
SPARE TIME IS HER BUSINESS.
-MOM, WHAT IS THIS?
-OH, ISN'T THIS FABULOUS?
WE'RE GONNA PU THE JACUZZI HERE.
THE YOGA TEMPLE
OVER THERE.
AND IF I HAVE MY WAY,
A DANCE STUDIO.
WHERE'S MY ROOM?
WELL, HONEY,
WE'RE REMODELING.
YOUR ROOM'S
BEING REPURPOSED.
MY CHILDHOOD IS BEING
REPURPOSED?
OH, DON'T MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL
OUT OF THIS, CHLOE.
WE JUST MOVED
A FEW ROOM AROUND.
IT'S NOTHING.
SO, JEFF,
OC, WHAT'S THAT LIKE?
HORRIBLE?
-HEY.
-THIS IS MY SISTER, MANDY.
-HI.
-SHE'S BEEN MARRIED
10 YEARS TO RANDY.
MANDY, THIS IS JEFF.
HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.
HEY, I'M RANDY.
RANDY AND MANDY.
YOU GET THAT?
NAMES RHYME.
-NICE TO MEET YOU.
-SWEETHEART, CAN YOU PLEASE
GO CHECK ON THE BABY?
-[BABY CRYING]
-YOU GOT IT.
BE RIGHT BACK.
RISING UP TO LET US SING
TO THE SEA
OH, WHY WON' YOU TAKE ME?
GIVE ME YOUR INSIGHTS,
OH, GIBBOUS MOON
I NEED YOUR HELP
TONIGHT
I GOT A HUNCH YOU KNOW
JUST WHERE YOU'RE HEADING
YOUR MOM
AND YOU LIVE HERE?
IN THE BACK
THERE'S A GUEST HOUSE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHY ARE YOU STOPPING
THE CAR?
THAT'S-- ARE YOU GONNA
TRY TO MAKE A MOVE?
IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING?
OKAY.
-SORRY.
-NO.
ALL RIGHT, COULD WE
JUST DO IT ALREADY?
MY LIPS
ARE GETTING NERVOUS.
YEAH.
I SHOULD GO.
NO, WAIT.
IT'S YOUR EYES.
AND I LOVE YOUR EYES.
I KNEW THE REST OF YOU
WAS GREAT, TOO, BUT...
I LOVE YOUR EYES.
-I GOTTA--
I'M GONNA GO.
-OKAY.
THAT'S WEIRD,
MY, UM, MY MIND
IS NOT CORRELATING
WITH MY BODY.
I'M TRYING TO MOVE,
BUT I'M NOT ABLE TO.
READY, SET,
ONE-TWO-THREE.
YOU'RE SO SILLY.
-OKAY.
-OKAY, YEAH.
I'LL WALK YOU.
CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?
I NEED TO THINK
ABOUT IT, OKAY?
YEAH, OKAY.
WHEN WE'RE ADULTS,
AND NOT CRAZY TEENAGERS.
-RIGHT.
-TAKE ALL THE TIME
YOU NEED.
-[DOORBELL RINGING]
-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-HI.
-HEY.
-HI.
-CHLOE.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HERE.
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
-I DON'T KNOW.
I FELT LIKE
I HAVE TO BE HERE.
I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU
MY INSURANCE CARD.
-UM, SORRY, I THOUGH YOU SHOULD HAVE IT.
-YEAH.
YEAH, IT'S OKAY.
-COME HERE.
-OH, MY GOD.
I DON'T WAN TO LEAVE YOU.
I FEEL SO CRAZY.
DON'T FEEL CRAZY.
YOU'RE NOT CRAZY.
I WANTED YOU--
I WANTED TO STILL
HANG OUT AND THEN--
WE JUST-- WE JUST MET.
IT'S OKAY.
HEY, THERE'S NO HURRY.
WHAT?
NO HURRY?
WHY? THEN WHY--
WHY-- I THOUGHT WE WERE
ON THE SAME LEVEL--
A PAGE OF UM THIS HEAT--
BURNING DESIRE,
-BUT THAT'S CLEARLY WRONG,
SO I'LL JUST GO.
-HEY, HEY.
NO! NO NAKED.
SEX ON THE FIRST DATE
WOULD PUT ME
IN THE HO ZONE,
AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.
WE HAVE TO WAIT.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
GOTCHA.
-WE UH NEED
A HO ZONE DEFENSE.
-HOW LONG?
LAST TIME I CHECKED
A DAY WAS 24 HOURS.
WELL, YOU MIGHT WANNA
GET COMFORTABLE.
HOW LONG'S IT BEEN?
THREE MINUTES.
-WAIT, THIS IS
-I KNOW, IT'S CRAZY
AND IMPULSIVE AND IT'S
SO NOT LIKE ME.
I MEAN, I'M NO SOME PRUDE,
BUT, I DON' WANNA GET HURT.
I WON'T HURT YOU.
THAT'S WHAT SERGIO SAID.
SERGIO?
HE WROTE ME THE MOS BEAUTIFUL POEMS.
SERGIO WHO WROTE YOU POEMS.
WE TALKED ABOUT KIDS,
MARRIAGE, EVERYTHING.
AND THEN I FOUND HIM IN BED
WITH MY BEST FRIENDS.
-WAIT, FRIENDS? PLURAL?
-YEAH.
DANNY AND CHER ARE
MY BEST FRIENDS.
THAT'S HORRIBLE.
DID YOU TAKE
ANY PICTURES?
NO. I'M NOT AN IDIOT.
I TOOK A VIDEO.
-REALLY?
-NO, SICKO.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
MY LIFE HASN'T BEEN
ALL THAT INTERESTING.
UNTIL YOU.
WE'RE ALL TRAVELING
DOWN THIS LONELY ROAD
WE'RE ALL TUMBLING
IN THE TIDE
BUT I AM HERE
TO SIMPLY LET YOU KNOW
I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
-OH, NO, NO WAY.
- WE ALL HEAR THAT VOICE
INSIDE US
OH, NO! NO, WAY!
THE WIND THAT WHISPERS
IN THE NIGHT
[LAUGHING]
WHATEVER LIES DOWN
THIS LONG WINDING ROAD
I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
DO YOU KNOW WHERE
WE ARE?
IS THAT A TRICK
QUESTION?
NO, I'M BEING SERIOUS.
THIS PLACE
WE'RE AT RIGHT NOW,
THIS IS US.
THIS IS OUR PLACE, OKAY?
OKAY.
SO, I WISH I COULD
WRITE YOU A POEM,
BUT I CAN'T, SO,
HOW ABOUT A TOAST?
TO US, OUR NEW PLACE,
AND FINDING AN APARTMENT.
-CHEERS.
-CHEERS.
BE YOURSELF AND KEEP
YOUR HEART TRUE
I'LL BE RIGHT BY
YOUR SIDE
OH-OH-OH-OH
DON'T HAVE TO FACE
THIS WORLD ALONE
OH-OH-OH-OH
I'LL BE THE PLACE
THAT YOU CALL HOME
I'M GONNA DANCE
ON THE FOUNTAINS
AND THEN I'M GONNA
MOONWALK, YEAH!
HAVE YOU ALWAYS
BEEN LIKE THIS?
-ALWAYS UP?
-YEAH.
-YEAH?
-BECAUSE OF MY DAD.
ONE TIME I GOT MADE FUN
OF IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.
THESE GIRLS
THREW LOLLYPOPS
IN MY HAIR
AND CALLED ME UGLY.
AND I CAME HOME CRYING
AND MY DAD GRABBED ME
AND HE SAID TO ME,
KNOW MATTER WHAT ANYONE
SAYS OR DOES,
YOU'RE THE LUCKIEST GIRL
IN THE WORLD,
AND TODAY IS THE BES DAY OF YOUR LIFE.
AND IT KIND OF STUCK.
-I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
-THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU, TOO.
-VERY MUCH.
-GIVE ME A HUG.
LOOK HOW CUTE
THEY ARE. AWW.
I HATE CANTALOUPE.
ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
ABOUT MY MELONS?
GODDAMN IT, IF THERE'S
ONE THING I KNOW,
IT'S MY MELONS.
YOU LOVE CANTALOUPE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
THAT'S IT.
I'VE HAD IT.
NO MORE.
THE HECK WITH YOU.
LET'S PRETEND
WE'RE AN OLD COUPLE.
I'M FLORENCE
AND YOU'RE ELMER.
MAKING LOVE TO YOU, FLO.
OKAY.
MY HIP, IT'S MY HIP.
-IT'S OKAY.
-IT'S KEEPING ME
FROM DANCING
-AND MAKING LOVE.
-WE DON'T NEED YOUR HIP.
-OKAY.
-OKAY.
-WE CAN DO IT ANYWAY?
-COME HERE.
-READY, DAD?
-YEAH, I'M READY.
-READY?
-I'M READY.
-YOU AWAKE?
-I'M FINE. YOU JUST SERVE
THE DAMN THING.
ALL RIGHT, 27-2
GAME POINT.
WHOO! I GOT IT!
AH, ALL RIGHT!
-WE WON, SUNSHINE.
-THIS IS SO FUN, YEAH.
YEAH, GOOD JOB.
THE OBJECT, SO YOU KNOW,
IS TO SCORE MORE POINTS
THAN THE OTHER TEAM
AND THEN LET THEM WIN.
WHAT? SUCH AN IDIOT!
I THOUGHT THE POIN WAS TO HAVE FUN.
SO STUPID!
OH, GOD.
-OH.
-OH, MY GOD,
ARE YOU OKAY?
-YOU'VE BEEN SHOT.
-I'M DEAD.
[CHUCKLES]
DID I DO SOMETHING?
I FEEL LIKE YOUR DAD
DOESN'T LIKE ME.
NO, HE JUST IS SUPER
COMPETITIVE.
OH, JEFFY, COME IN.
-OH, YOU'RE HERE.
-HI, NANA.
-GOOD TO SEE YOU.
-OH, IT IS SO GOOD
TO SEE YOU SO HAPPY.
I MEAN, SHE IS ADORABLE.
WE WERE JUST TALKING
ABOUT HOW MUCH WE LOVE HER.
WHERE DID YOU MEET HER?
UH-- SHE JUS FOLLOWED ME HOME.
LATCHED ONTO MY BUMPER.
I DROVE HER FOR MILES.
OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.
LIKE A LITTLE PUPPY DOG
LOOKING FOR
A PLACE TO GO
AND A PLACE
TO BURY HER SOUL,
AND THERE'S MY JEFFY.
RIGHT INTO HIS ARMS.
SHE IS A KEEPER.
-I THINK SO, TOO.
-AWW.
-OH, THAT'S CUTE.
-YEAH, THAT ONE IS CUTE.
-I LIKE THAT.
-I CAN BRING MY BUNNIES.
PETS ALLOWED.
IT'S ON PICO. NEVER MIND.
WAKING UP NEX TO YOU EVERY MORNING
IS GOING TO BE SO...
-WEIRD, ISN'T IT?
-NO.
LIKE WEIRD
IN A GOOD DAY.
LIKE WEIRD
IN A GOOD WAY.
LIKE A BRAVE
NEW ADVENTURE WEIRD.
BUT EXCITING.
SWEETHEART,
YOU ARE READY
TO MOVE IN TOGETHER
-AREN'T YOU?
-YES, AMAZINGLY
HANDSOME MAN,
I'M READY.
JEFFY.
OH.
YOUR FATHER WANTS
A WORD WITH YOU.
IN THE YURT.
IS IT REALLY SO DIFFICUL TO FIND A GIRL
WHO IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE?
I MEAN, SHE'S NO RIGHT FOR YOU.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT SHE'S RIGHT FOR,
EXCEPT MAYBE
CLOWN SCHOOL.
SHE'S FRIVOLOUS.
YOU TOO ARE DRAMATICALLY
DIFFERENT.
OPPOSITES ATTRACT, DAD.
BIRDS OF A FEATHER
STICK TOGETHER.
YOU MARK MY WORDS.
SHE IS ENTIRELY
WRONG FOR YOU.
WHAT IF
SHE'S THE ONE, DAD?
WHAT IF I MARRY
THIS GIRL?
DO YOU WANT TO BE
RESPONSIBLE FOR TAINTING
OUR RELATIONSHIP?
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
WHAT I WANT IS FOR YOU
TO BE REALISTIC.
BE SERIOUS.
THE ONLY WAY
THIS COULD WORK
IS IF SHE GROWS UP.
AND YOU GOTTA ASK YOURSELF,
IS THAT EVER GONNA HAPPEN?
SHE IS TALKING
TO A STRAW RABBIT.
YOU HAD A FLY
ON YOUR EYE.
[CHUCKLES]
I GOT YOUR BACK.
LISTEN, I'M MAYBE
NOT READY
FOR THIS WHOLE
NESTING THING.
YEAH.
I KNEW YOU'D SEE
MY SIDE OF IT.
AH!
[PURRING]
YOU'RE HERE!
WHAT IS THIS?
I WANT ONE!
THAT IS A MAXI PLUNGE
SUPER PLUNGER.
IT'S TO UNCLOG PIPES.
OH, NOT GONNA NEED
NO BRAND MUFFINS
WITH THIS PUPPY
IN THE HOUSE.
-YEAH, I HOPE NOT.
-TELL ME THE TRUTH,
DOES THIS MAXI PLUNGE
SUPER PLUNGER
TURN YOU ON THE WAY
IT DOES ME?
I'LL THUMB WRESTLE
YOU FOR IT.
WHY AREN'T YOU PLAYING?
-COULD YOU DO
SOMETHING FOR ME?
-MM-HMM.
-COME HERE.
-MM-HMM.
COULD YOU DO SOMETHING?
CAN YOU BE COMPLETELY
SERIOUS FOR ME
FOR ONE MINUTE?
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A TEST.
I DON'T LIKE TESTS.
WELL, LIFE IS FULL
OF TESTS.
ONLY FOR THOSE WHO CHOOSE
TO TAKE THEM.
HEY, I'M SERIOUS.
YEAH, MAYBE IF IT'LL
UNCLOG YOUR PIPES.
HEY, PLEASE, FOR ME,
JUST ONE MINUTE.
-ALL RIGHT.
-OKAY?
WHEN DO I START?
BOOK ME IN COACH.
WHEN I TELL YOU, OKAY,
BUT FIRST GROUND RULES.
-OKAY.
-THERE'S NO SMILING.
-NO SNICKERING, NO MOCKING,
AND NO SILLY FACES.
GOT IT?
OKAY. SOUNDS LIKE
SERIOUS SHIT.
STARTING NOW.
YOU'RE SKATING
ON THIN ICE.
NO SMILING.
NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN,
-SIX, FIVE...
-[CRYING]
BABY, I'M SORRY.
HEY, CHLOE, I'M SORRY.
I JUST LOOKED AT YOUR FACE.
[LAUGHING]
-ALL RIGHT, YEAH,
THANKS, THANKS A LOT.
-BABY, COME ON.
WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU
TO BE SERIOUS?
BECAUSE YOU'RE
SERIOUS ENOUGH
FOR THE BOTH OF US.
NOW LET MOMMY
UNCLOG YOU.
WOULD YOU STOP?
[SIGHS]
LOOK WHAT I GOT.
PRETTY COOL, HUH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHAT'S WRONG?
-DO YOU LIKE IT?
-NOTHING. NOTHING.
IT'S JUST KINDA FREAKY
THAT ALL OF A SUDDEN
WE'RE BUYING HOME FURNISHINGS
-WITH EACH OTHER.
-OKAY, FORGET IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
THE LAMP, IT SUCKS.
I DON'T WANT IT.
NO, NO, I LOVE IT.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
NO, JUST FORGET IT.
BEFORE IT WAS JUST A LAMP,
BUT NOW IT'S THE
"WE'RE MOVING TOO FAST LAMP."
THIS WAS IT.
I WAS GONNA MOVE IN
WITH JEFF.
I WAS GONNA COHABITATE.
MAYBE IT WAS HAPPENING.
MAYBE I WAS STARTING
TO GROW UP.
-[LAUGHING]
-THIS IS SO EXCITING.
I HAD NO IDEA
CHLOE WAS A SINGER,
AND A MUSICIAN.
OH, SHE'S NOT REALLY.
IT'S A RATHER UNFORTUNATE
PHASE.
-OH, WELL.
-SHE'S VERY TALENTED.
-SHE JUST NEEDS
SOME SUPPORT.
-OH.
I SUPPORT HER.
[THINKING]
OH, MY GOD,
HE INVITED HIS PARENTS.
-YOU CAN DO THIS.
-[JEFF'S FATHER] YOU SHOULD
REALLY RECONSIDER
THIS WHOLE THING.
I MEAN IF SHE IS TALENTED,
THE MUSIC BUSINESS
-IS JUST BRUTAL.
-DAD, CAN YOU JUST LISTEN
AND NOT BE JUDGMENTAL,
PLEASE? THANK YOU.
[SIGHS]
YOU CAN DO THIS.
I CAN'T DO THIS,
I'M SORRY.
[WOMAN]
OH, POOR THING.
HEY, IT'S OKAY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY, I SHOULD HAVE
TOLD YOU I INVITED MY PARENTS.
IT'S OKAY.
I'M JUST STRESSED OUT.
HAVE A SEAT, SON.
THAT, UH, MULBERRY REPOR IS MISSING A CONSTRUCTION
ESTIMATE.
WHERE'S YOUR FLAG PIN?
I DON'T KNOW.
LOOK, IF YOU WANNA
BE A WINNER,
YOU GOTTA BEHAVE
LIKE A WINNER,
AND SURROUND YOURSELF
WITH WINNERS.
-DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
-YEAH.
GOD.
WHAT IS THIS?
THIS IS DISGUSTING.
THIS IS THE BEST THING
I'VE EVER SEEN.
IT'S LIKE GRASS.
WE COULD MAKE
CARPET ANGELS.
OH, LET'S DANCE.
LET'S-- LET'S PRETEND
WE'RE AT A DISCO,
AND-- AND YOU'RE LIKE
HITTING ON ME
WITH YOUR DANCE MOVES,
AND I'M LIKE DANCING
IN THE CORNER.
AND, UH-- WHY AREN' YOU DANCING?
I DON'T WANNA
LOOK STUPID.
THAT'S HALF THE FUN.
OH! I COULD PU MY GUITAR HERE.
AND THEN A PINBALL MACHINE
RIGHT AROUND HERE,
AND THEN, A-- YOU KNOW,
A CONGO SET COULD GO HERE,
AND THEN WE COULD GET A HORSE.
WE COULD TOTALLY GET A HORSE
AND IT WOULD FIT.
THIS IS AMAZING.
UM, BABE, I WAS THINKING
MAYBE THIS COULD BE
A SHARED OFFICE.
AND NOT EXCLUSIVELY
YOUR SHE-MAN CAVE BARN.
BUT, DEARIE, WHY WOULD
YOU WANT ANOTHER OFFICE?
YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE.
YOU WANT ONE IN YOUR HOME?
THAT'S KIND OF SAD
AND DEPRESSING.
NO, WELL, LOOK, I'M GONNA
PUT IN A LOT OF HOURS
AND PROBABLY WORK
FROM HOME, TOO, IF WE--
YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
IF I WANT TO BUY A HOUSE.
-A HOUSE?
-YEAH. YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU GROW UP,
-YOU WORK, AND YOU SAVE,
AND THEN YOU BUY A HOUSE.
-OH, MAN. OH, HEART.
OH, GEE.
YUP, OKAY, CALL 911.
-YEAH, I CALLED THEM.
-CLEAR.
-THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.
-[MOANS]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M-- FORGET IT.
WAIT, COME HERE.
COME HERE.
OKAY. TELL ME A SECRET.
TELL ME SOMETHING.
I DON'T HAVE ANY SEC--
YOU'RE CRAZY.
JUST TELL ME A SECRET.
SOMETHING YOU'VE NEVER
TOLD ANYBODY BEFORE.
-OKAY.
-WE ALL HAVE SECRETS.
-YEAH.
-WHAT'S YOURS?
[SIGHS]
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
PLEASE, FOR ME.
OKAY. I...
GINNY?
[SCREAMS]
WELL, I-- I REALLY
DON'T HAVE ANY.
I DON'T KNOW.
I CAN'T THINK OF ANY.
-I'M SORRY.
-OKAY. NO, IT'S OKAY.
NO WORRIES.
OH, HERE, YOU HOLD THIS
FOR A SECOND, WILL YOU?
YEAH.
OH! A SQUIRREL!
OH, SHOOT. SORRY.
-OH, MY GOD.
-THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
-I'M TOTALLY SORRY.
-THAT'S FINE.
WE'RE STILL GOING
TO THE HALLOWEEN PARTY?
YEAH, WHY WOULDN'T WE?
I MEAN, I KNOW YOU'RE NO CRAZY ABOUT COSTUMES.
NOT EVERYBODY LIKES TO PRETEND
TO BE SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT.
BUT IT'S FUN.
IT'S FUN TO PRETEND.
YEAH, OKAY, WELL,
JUST THAT-- EVER SINCE
WE'RE MOVING IN TOGETHER
YOU'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE
SOME PANICKING ANIMAL
DESPERATE FOR ESCAPE,
SO I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
THE LAMP IS NOT YOU.
IT'S NOT US. WE'RE FINE.
WE'RE TOTALLY FINE.
WE'RE JUST AS MUCH
IN LOVE NOW
AS WE WERE
WHEN WE FIRST MET.
I LIKE THE FIREWORKS.
EVERYTHING IS FINE.
I PROMISE.
YOU PROMISE?
-HEY, YOU GOT GREAT FORM.
-OH, THANK YOU.
-I SEE REAL POWER
IN YOUR LEGS.
-YEAH?
YEAH, SO, I TEACH
A POTTERY CLASS
ON WEDNESDAY NIGHTS
OFF OF CHICK-LIT ROAD.
-AND OF COURSE
I WOULDN'T CHARGE YOU--
-OH, THAT'S SO NICE.
IF YOU WANTED TO MAYBE TRADE,
YOU KNOW, WORKOUT TIPS
FOR YOUR LEGS FOR POTTERY,
I COULD REALLY TEACH YOU
HOW TO FORM YOUR OWN POT.
OKAY, GREAT, UM,
DO YOU HAVE A CARD?
EVERY SINGLE BREATH
WE TAKE IS A GIFT.
YOU SEEM SO PEACEFUL.
I AM.
I'M EXCEEDINGLY CONTENT.
HOW ARE YOU SO HAPPY?
WHY WOULD I CHOOSE
TO BE ANY OTHER WAY?
CHOOSE?
[SIGHS]
THAT'S SO COOL.
IT'S NICE
TO MEET YOU.
EVER SINCE YOU'VE BEEN
WITH THIS GIRL YOUR WORK
HAS SLACKED OFF.
I NEED THAT ANALYSIS
RETOOLED.
DAD, I CAN'T, ALL RIGHT?
I HAVE A PARTY TONIGHT,
-I PROMISED CHLOE
-YOU'RE NOT HEARING ME,
ALL RIGHT?
PLAY TO WIN, OR GO HOME.
NOW STEP IT UP.
AND HERE.
LAST FLAG PIN.
TRY NOT TO LOSE IT.
TRICK OR TREAT,
TRICK OR TREAT
FEELING KINDA CREEPY
NO, I'M NEVER GONNA SLEEP
TILL WE MAKE 'EM ALL SCREAM
HIT THE LIGHTS,
HIT THE LIGHTS
SEE THE LOOK
IN THEIR EYES
GONNA GIVE THEM
A FRIGHT
COUNTING DOWN
IN THE NIGHT
YOU KNOW
WE'RE OUT TO GET YOU
NO TELLING
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO
GET WILD UNDER
THE FULL MOON
YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH
WON'T BE WORSE
THAN A NIGHTMARE
EVEN THE MONSTERS
GET SCARED
YOU CAN ROLL WITH US,
IF YOU DARE
WE COME ALIVE,
LIVE, LIVE, LIVE
HEY, SORRY,
I'M RIDICULOUSLY LATE.
A BABY SEAL CLUBBING
ITSELF?
YOU'VE OUTDONE YOURSELF
THIS TIME.
YOUR COSTUME IS INCREDIBLY
DISTASTEFUL.
YOU PROMISED
YOU'D WEAR A COSTUME.
BABE, THIS IS MY COSTUME,
ALL RIGHT?
I'M A BUSINESSMAN.
I'M NOT JUST ANY
BUSINESSMAN, MY LOVE,
BUT A REPUBLICAN.
NOTE THE FLAG PIN?
YOU'RE COSTUME
IS SO STUPID.
NO ONE'S EVEN GONNA KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE.
-HEY, GUYS.
-NICE COSTUME.
THANKS FOR MAKING IT.
BABY SEAL AND--
OH, MY GOD, OH, MY--
YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN
BUSINESSMAN!
-OH, YEAH!
-YOU'RE SO GOOD.
-THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
-OH, MAN.
SHARP.
YOU LOOK HANDSOME.
YEAH.
DAPPER.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU TWO,
ON SHACKING UP.
SO EXCITED FOR YOU GUYS.
-YEAH.
-I FINISHED MY MBA
RECENTLY.
SO, WE'RE PROBABLY
GONNA FOLLOW SUIT.
SHE'S AWESOME,
ISN'T SHE, RIGHT?
I'M SO EXCITED
ABOUT IT.
OH, THANKS FOR BEING
SO INSPIRING.
WE'RE GONNA
GRAB A DRINK.
DID YOU UH-- CHECK OU THE APARTMENT ON 17TH?
-NOT YET.
-WHY ARE YOU STALLING?
OKAY, LISTEN,
I DON'T--
WHEN PEOPLE
MOVE IN TOGETHER,
THEY BECOME ALL SERIOUS,
AND I DON'T WANNA
BECOME SERIOUS.
I DON'T WANNA STAR WEARING MOM JEANS
AND BIRD SWEATERS.
DO YOU KNOW WHA YOUR PROBLEM IS?
IS YOU THINK EVERYTHING IN LIFE
IS SOME KINDA GIDDY JOKE,
SOME CARNIVAL RIDE.
YOU KNOW, IT WOULD HAVE
BEEN SWEET IF YOU COULD HAVE
AT LEAST WORN A COSTUME,
LIKE, SOMETHING FUNNY OR FUN.
YOU REMEMBER FUN, RIGHT?
LOOK, I HAD
A BAD DAY, OKAY?
THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU,
SO I SEE YOUR POINT.
WOW, WOW.
LISTEN TO MR. SNARKY,
A PERSON THAT'S ALL
LOVEY-DOVEY,
AND THEN ALL THOSE
LITTLE ADORABLE QUIRKS
TURN INTO
ANNOYING HABITS.
WHICH OF MY ADORABLE QUIRKS
DO YOU FIND ANNOYING?
NOTHING. COME ON,
LET'S DANCE, ELMER.
NO, GO AHEAD.
CAREFUL WITH YOUR HIP,
CHLOE.
FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN
RELEASED INTO FREEDOM
HEY, COOL COSTUME.
LOVE IT.
AH!
OH! OH!
[LAUGHING]
RAISE THE ROOF.
GOOD.
WHO DO YOU KNOW HERE?
OH, KELLY.
I'M GONNA NEED A DRINK.
WHAT?
[LAUGHING]
OKAY.
FEEL IT.
FEELING IT.
YOU'RE AWESOME.
BYE.
GOD, I HATE MIMES.
ABOUT THOSE NO SO ADORABLE QUIRKS
MY SNARKY, LOVE--
HEY, NINE OUT OF TEN PEOPLE
HATE MIMES. FACT.
THE WAY YOU SAY,
"OH, GOD. OH, GOD. OH, GOD."
IT'S LIKE I'M HAVING SEX
WITH FATHER MULDOON.
AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
YOU HAVE CHICKEN FEET.
-WHAT?
-YOU HAVE CHICKEN FEET.
YOUR FEET LOOK
LIKE CHICKENS FEET.
REALLY? OKAY.
WELL, YOU SKIP ONE
DAY WITH YOUR RAZOR,
AND SUDDENLY I'M IN BED
WITH CHEWBACCA.
AND I WISH YOUR LIPS
WERE BIGGER.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
MY DAD WAS RIGHT,
-YOU DO NEED
TO GO TO CLOWN SCHOOL.
-THERE'S A CLOWN SCHOOL?
WELL, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
GROW UP, ARE YOU?
NOT IF I CAN HELP IT.
YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN
TOGETHER FOR A WHILE
AND WE DON'T TALK.
WE DON'T ACTUALLY
REALLY TALK.
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE
I DON'T KNOW YOU AT ALL.
MAYBE WE'RE JUST NOT AT ALL
THAT COMPATIBLE.
MAYBE THERE'S NO MAYBE.
SOMETIMES I DON' EVEN KNOW IF I SEE
A VIABLE FUTURE WITH YOU.
I MEAN, YOU WORK IN
A TOY STORE, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I HAPPEN TO LOVE WORKING
IN THAT TOY STORE.
-CAN WE REWIND?
-THANK YOU.
-THANK YOU SO MUCH.
-I'M SORRY.
NO, NO, THIS IS GREAT.
HONESTLY,
THANK YOU FOR THAT.
THAT WAS REALLY--
THIS ISN'T--
THIS ISN'T WORKING.
THIS US THING
IS NOT WORKING.
NO, I GUESS NOT.
WE SOUND LIKE
TWO PEOPLE WHO AREN' GONNA MOVE IN TOGETHER.
I DISAGREE.
-YOU DO?
-YEAH.
I THINK WE SOUND
LIKE TWO PEOPLE WHO
ARE BREAKING UP.
THIS IS IT.
OH, SO THAT'S HOW
IT'S GOING DOWN?
I GUESS.
JEFF, WAIT.
CAN I HAVE MY MEMORY
FOAM PILLOW?
YEAH.
HERE'S YOUR MEMORY
FOAM PILLOW.
IT REMEMBERS EVERYTHING.
OH, GOD. OH, GOD.
OH, GOD.
SPEAKING WHICH, HERE'S
YOUR JESUS ACTION FIGURE,
YOUR BABY BOW,
YOUR BABY TOOTHBRUSH,
OH, YEAH, AND THIS.
-[TOY SQUEAKS]
-BABALU?
BUT I GAVE
THESE THINGS TO YOU.
I DON'T WAN YOUR SILLY TOYS.
YOU USED TO LIKE
MY SILLY TOYS.
YOU SAID
I WAS RIDICULICIOUS.
MAYBE I'VE HAD ENOUGH
RIDICULOUSITY.
HERE I AM
RIGHT HERE BEFORE YOU
EXPLAINING IT TO YOU
AND IT ALL COMES OU THE WRONG WAY
HERE I AM
LYING BESIDE YOU
I'M DYING INSIDE
AND IT ALL COMES OU THE WRONG WAY
COMES OU CAN DRY MY EYES,
STOP FOOLING
DRY MY EYES
AND LET IT GO
DRY MY EYES,
STOP CALLING
BUT I WILL NEVER KNOW
WHY YOU HAD TO GO
IT'S NO SURPRISE
WE WERE JUST RECKLESS
NOW YOU'RE HAUNTING
MY HEART
'CAUSE IT ALL TURNED OU THE WRONG WAY
THE ROOM'S ALIVE
WITH THE MEMORY
OF VOICES
HAD A GHOS OF A CHANCE
BUT IT ALL TURNED OU THE WRONG WAY
-CHANGED YOUR MIND
ABOUT BREAKUP SEX?
-COULD YOU JUST NOT.
COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK
ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN SEX
-FOR THE NEXT 10 SECONDS?
-SURE, I'M DOING IT NOW.
OKAY, WHAT WERE YOU
THINKING ABOU -INSTEAD OF SEX?
-BUFFALO WINGS.
BUFFALO WINGS?
REALLY, JEFF?
COME ON, CHLOE,
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
YOU KNOW
THE THREE MAJOR HOLIDAYS
ARE BEARING DOWN ON US.
THANKSGIVING,
CHRISTMAS,
NEW YEAR'S.
BREAKING UP
IS TOTALLY GONNA SUCK.
YEAH. IT'S GONNA
BE REALLY AWKWARD.
I DON'T WANNA GO THROUGH
THE WHOLE HOLIDAY SEASON
AS A VICTIM.
THIS REALLY SUCKS.
I DON'T WANNA GO THROUGH
ALL THAT PITY.
OH, YOU POOR THING.
ARE YOU OKAY?
"THAT IS SO SAD
THAT YOU GUYS BROKE UP.
I NEVER THOUGHT THAT."
I DON'T WANNA GO
THROUGH THAT.
IT'S MY FAVORITE
TIME OF YEAR.
WELL, NOTHING
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
YEAH, I GUESS NOT.
-[PHONE RINGS]
-HEY, WHAT'S UP?
YEAH, YOU FORGO TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.
WE CAN'T KEEP
DOING THIS.
-YEAH, I KNOW.
-GOOD NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT,
GOOD NIGHT.
HONEY, YOU DON' HAVE TO SUCCUMB
TO ALL THA ROMANTIC BULLSHI SOCIETY THROWS AT YOU.
ROMANCE, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
IT'S ALL A MYTH.
DOES YOUR HUSBAND KNOW
YOU FEEL THAT WAY?
OH, THE RING?
25 YEARS AGO,
I GOT MARRIED TO MYSELF.
I NEVER HAD A HUSBAND.
I DON'T WANT ONE.
I DON'T NEED ONE.
I'M TOTALLY FULFILLED.
AND PERFECTLY HAPPY
BEING SINGLE.
-YOU ARE?
-YES, VERY.
WHERE DO YOU
FIND THE LOVE?
IT'S ALL AROUND YOU IF YOU
JUST OPEN YOURSELF UP TO IT.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME
TO MY HOUSE AND HAVE A CUP
OF TEA TOMORROW?
I WOULD LOVE THAT.
SO, WELCOME
TO MY NIRVANA.
JOINING US FOR TEA
WE'VE GOT BUTTONS,
AND THEN WE HAVE
ORLANDO AND NOODLES,
AND OVER THERE
WITH THE CROOKED TAIL
IS JO-JO.
ELEQUINN, HE'S ABOU TO BE JOINING US FOR TEA,
AND THAT'S, OF COURSE,
TOTALLY APPROPRIATE.
HOW'S JEFF?
HE IS SO HANDSOME.
HAS A GOOD JOB.
YOU KNOW, I WAS
TALKING TO HIS MOM.
SHE SAID HE IS
VERY RESPONSIBLE.
JUST WHAT YOU NEED--
GROUNDED.
-WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?
-MOM.
DON'T YOU DARE
LET HIM GET AWAY.
UH, DO YOU THINK
THIS BIRD IS BIG ENOUGH?
UH-- SURE.
-UH, JEFF, UM, UH--
-OKAY, I DON'T WAN TO ALARM YOU
BUT YOUR FATHER AND I
ARE IN COUNSELING.
THE THERAPIST ASKED US
WHAT STRENGTHS HOLD OUR
MARRIAGE TOGETHER,
AND WE JUST SAT THERE
LIKE THOSE BIG
EASTER ISLAND HEADS
SAYING NOTHING.
WE COULDN' THINK OF ANYTHING.
YOU AND DAD
ARE IN THERAPY?
AND WHEN WE'RE IN CRISIS,
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO FIND
SAFE PLACES TO RETREAT TO.
SO, WE GET INTO A FIGHT,
I COME INTO THE KITCHEN,
YOUR FATHER GOES
IN THE BATHROOM.
HE WAS IN THERE
FOR TWO DAYS.
THEN HE ROSE
LIKE LAZARUS,
AND CLAIMED TO HAVE
A GRAND EPIPHANY
AND HE WON'T TELL ME
WHAT IT IS.
AND HOW IS JEFF?
-HE'S, WELL, HE'S--
-BUTTERNUT SQUASH.
FORGOT THE BUTTERNUT SQUASH.
MOVE IT.
WHEN I SEE
THAT LOVELY GIRL,
CHELSEA--
-CHLOE, NANA.
-WHEN I SEE THA LOVELY GIRL, CHELSEA
AND YOU TOGETHER,
OH, WELL,
IT'S THE BEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.
AND I SEE THE BOTH
OF YOU SO HAPPY
AND I REALIZE
IT'S OKAY NOW,
I CAN DIE IN PEACE.
OH, REMEMBER,
WHEN THE HEART SPEAKS,
LOVE LISTENS.
HERE, ONE IS FOR YOU
AND ONE IS FOR CHELSEA.
OH, I'M SO HAPPY
FOR YOU.
OH, IF I COULD JUS LIE DOWN RIGHT NOW
AND DIE,
BUT I WON'T.
I WANNA SEE YOU TWO
TOGETHER FOREVER.
-CHLOE! HI.
-CHLOE.
-KELLY.
-HI.
-BRIAN, HEY.
-HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
IT'S SO NICE
TO SEE YOU.
YEAH, IS THAT A RING?
IS THAT NEW?
OH, YEAH.
BRIAN GOT PROMOTED.
-REGIONAL MANAGER.
-YES!
-NO BIG DEAL.
-NO, IT IS.
IT'S A HUGE DEAL. IT'S HUGE.
-IT'S A HUGE DEAL.
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE
TO DO WITH--
WHERE'S JEFF?
JEFF?
OH, MY GOD,
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
JEFF AND I ARE FINE.
EVERYTHING'S GREAT.
-OH, GOD.
-HONEY, YOU'RE SHAKING.
NO, I KNOW, I JUST--
MY HEART STOPPED.
YOU GUYS ARE JUST SUCH
AN ADORABLE COUPLE
THAT I--
IF ANYTHING HAPPENED
I WOULD BE DEVASTATED.
BUT WE'RE FINE.
SO, WE'LL SEE YOU WHEN?
THANKSGIVING.
-WE'LL SEE YOU SOON.
YEAH, YEAH, YOU'LL SEE ME
AT THANKSGIVING.
-ALL RIGHT.
-AWESOME.
ALL RIGHT.
GOBBLE GOBBLE.
YEAH.
TAKE CARE.
JUST RAN INTO KELLY
AND BRIAN.
BRIAN GOT HER A RING.
APPARENTLY THEY CAN
AFFORD IT NOW.
"WHERE'S JEFF," SHE ASKED.
SHE LITERALLY SAID,
"OH, MY GOD" TWICE.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
THE LOOK OF TERROR
IN HER EYES.
WELL, COUPLES DON'T LIKE I WHEN FRIENDS BREAK UP.
IT'S AN ATTACK
ON THE STATUS QUO.
THEY IMMEDIATELY STAR QUESTIONING THEY'RE OWN CHOICES.
"WHERE'S JEFF?"
THEY COULDN' FATHOM THE FAC THAT WE WEREN'T ATTACHED
AT THE HIP.
I DON'T THINK
I CAN DO THIS.
I'LL NEVER MAKE I THROUGH THANKSGIVING.
YEAH, NOT TO MENTION BOTH
OUR PARENTS ARE EXPECTING US
TO SHOW FACE.
I DON'T WANT TO BE
THE SAD-EYED PATHETIC
SINGLE GIRL.
OH, YEAH. HERE.
IT'S FROM NANA.
-SHE REALLY LIKES YOU.
-I REALLY LIKE HER, TOO.
THIS MAKES ME CRAZY.
I'M GOING SUICIDAL HERE
JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS.
WE SHOULD HAVE WAITED
UNTIL AFTER THE HOLIDAYS.
-WHO HAVE YOU TOLD?
-NO ONE. YOU?
NOBODY.
NOT YET.
WHAT IF WE JUST WEN TO THANKSGIVING
AS A COUPLE AND PRETENDED
WE DIDN'T BREAK UP?
YOU KNOW, I'M IMPRESSED.
WHAT AN INCREDIBLY DUMB IDEA.
NO, THAT SOUNDS
PROBLEMATIC AND AWKWARD,
NOT TO MENTION
EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL.
-REALLY?
MORE AWKWARD--
-YES.
THAN STAYING HOME ALONE
OR GOING OU AND SUFFERING THROUGH
THE PITY PARTIES?
BEING CONSTANTLY
CONSOLED AND CODDLED
OVER OUR TRAGIC LOSS?
OKAY, SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
IS WE STAY TOGETHER
EVEN THOUGH WE'RE BROKEN UP
IN ORDER TO AVOID
THE BITTER ANGUISH
OF SOLITUDE,
OR ALL THE WELL-MEANING,
BUT SOUL CRUSHING SYMPATHY?
WE CAN DO IT.
MAKE IT FUN.
FOR YOU.
SO I ASSUME I'LL HAVE
TO PUT UP WITH HOURS
OF YOUR CHILDISH
ERRATIC BEHAVIOR?
AS I WILL HAVE TO SMILE
DELIGHTFULLY AS YOU CONTINUE
YOUR PESSIMISTIC
MARCH INTO MIDDLE AGE.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
NO SLIPS OF THE TONGUE.
NO INAPPROPRIATE
TOURETTE'S BLURTING.
BLURTING IS
HENCEFORTH BANISHED.
-DEAL?
-DEAL.
-SEAL IT WITH BREAKUP SEX?
-NO.
-COME ON.
-NOT. NEIN.
WE GOTTA SEAL THE DEAL.
CAPTAIN WINKIE'S GONNA
HAVE TO FIND A NEW OUTLET.
HAVE YOU TRIED
A LAMP SOCKET?
CAN WE AT LEAST HUG?
COME HERE.
BRING IT IN.
OH, YEAH.
-HEY.
-HEY.
WHOA,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS GOING
FOR THE CHEEK.
-OKAY, TAKE THE CHEEK.
-WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?
IT WAS AMAZING.
CAN WE GO IN NOW?
YEAH, YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT WAS LATE, AGAIN,
-AS USUAL, SUNSHINE.
-OKAY, FOR THE RECORD,
AND THIS GOES ON YOUR
PERMANENT RECORD,
BY THE WAY,
YOU'RE TOO PUNCTUAL.
IT COMES OFF STODGY
AND DESPERATE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUS GO IN WITHOUT ME?
WELL, 'CAUSE I DIDN' WANT TO GO IN ALONE.
I THOUGHT MAYBE
WE SHOULD GO IN TOGETHER,
-YOU KNOW, AS A COUPLE.
-RIGHT.
NOT JUST ANY COUPLE,
BUT THE PERFECT COUPLE
THAT'S MADLY IN LOVE.
OKAY. OH, THE OLD SPICE
IS DRIVING ME WILD.
-MOM!
-WELL, HI, SWEETIE.
YOU REMEMBER TERRIFICALLY
HANDSOME, WONDERFUL JEFF.
OH, OF COURSE I DO.
I'M NOT GOING TO FORGE THE MAN YOU'RE LIVING WITH.
BY THE WAY, SWEETIE,
WHEN IS THAT HOUSE WARMING?
UH, SOON-ISH,
-YOU KNOW, WE'RE STILL--
-ISH?
-YEAH, YEAH, I MEAN.
-WORK ON THE ISH.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY.
-HEY. HEY, THANKS.
-WELCOME.
HEY, GUY,
WELCOME TO THE FAMILY.
-YOU WANT A DRINK?
-UH, YEAH, SURE.
-WELL, I'LL GET YOU ONE.
-YEAH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
-IT'S NICE TO BE WELCOMED.
-WHAT'S UP GUYS?
-HEY.
-TAKING THE BIG
STEP, HUH?
MOVING IN
WITH ONE ANOTHER?
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS
LIVING WITH THE BUDDHISTS
IN ARIZONA,
RANDY, COULD YOU, SWEETIE,
COULD YOU PLEASE GO CHECK
ON CONNOR?
-YEAH, SURE.
-THANK YOU.
-HI, KIDDIES..
-HI.
NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTAN THAN FAMILY.
AND I-- I AM
JUST SO THANKFUL
THAT CHLOE AND JEFF
HAVE FOUND EACH OTHER,
AND I HOPE AND I PRAY
THAT THEIR LOVING
RELATIONSHIP
CONTINUES TO BLOSSOM AND--
THERE'S FRUIT IN THE FORM
OF A GRANDCHILD.
OH, GOD, MOM.
-CHEERS.
-ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
LET'S DRINK TO THAT.
ARE YOU WORRIED
ABOUT STRETCH MARKS?
DON'T BE WORRIED
ABOUT THEM.
I HEARD THAT YOU TWO
MOVED IN TOGETHER?
-YEAH.
-YEAH, WE DID.
AND I'M NOTICING
ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL
LITTLE QUIRKS ABOUT HIM.
HE SNORES LIKE
A BABY GOAT.
AND WHO KNEW
HE WAS A BED WETTER.
-BUT THAT'S LOVE, RIGHT?
-IT SURE IS.
SO WHERE IS
THIS LOVE NEST?
ON PICO.
PICO? AND WHERE ON PICO?
IT'S ON PICO AND CLAM.
I DON'T-- WHERE'S--
WHERE IS THAT?
IT'S-- I MEAN, IT'S ON PICO.
DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
KELLY, IT'S THERE.
SO HOW'S IT GOIN'?
I MEAN, ARE YOU--
ARE YOU GUYS STILL HO FOR EACH OTHER?
YES, OH, MY GOD.
WE ARE SO HOT.
I MEAN, WE ARE
LIKE ANIMALS.
LIKE, WOW.
SHE IS AN ANIMAL.
I MEAN, I CAN' KEEP HER OFF ME.
I'M LIKE ENOUGH ALREADY.
I'M LIKE HURTING IT.
I COULD USE ANOTHER
GLASS OF WHITE WINE.
JEFF?
CUT THE BULLSHIT.
SERIOUSLY.
-GIRL TO GIRL.
-OH, GIRL TO GIRL.
WELL, IF WE'RE DOING
GIRL TO GIRL
THEN I SWEAR
ON MY SACRED CHA-CHA
THAT JEFF AND I
ARE SOUL MATES.
WHEN HE'S NOT AROUND,
I'M A TRAIN WRECK.
OKAY, COME ON.
I'M NOT DUMB.
I'VE GOT BRAINS
AND INTUITION.
-HERE YOU GO.
-THANKS, JEFFY.
YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
JEFFY?
WAS SHE FLIRTING WITH YOU?
ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO HER?
NO. NO. KELLY?
[CHUCKLES]
THAT'S-- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
SHE DOES HAVE AN APPEAL
IN A HOEY SORT OF WAY.
MEN LIKE THAT, DON'T THEY?
THEY LIKE HOS.
NO, MEN DON'T LIKE HOS.
THEY LOVE HOS.
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
-WHAT DO YOU MEAN
WHAT AM I DOING?
-YOU CAN LET GO NOW.
-NO, HEY, WHAT IF SOMEONE
GETS SUSPICIOUS?
NO ONE'S GONNA-- JUST GET--
YOU'RE SO ANNOYING.
JUST LET ME HOLD YOU. HEY.
-DID YOU SHAVE YOUR LEGS?
-DID YOU SMELL ME?
NOPE, NOPE.
I DID NOT SHAVE MY LEGS.
I'M GOING FULL MAMMAL.
JANE GOODALL'S
FOLLOWING ME.
-YES, THAT'S SO HOT.
-YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
IF YOU DON'T LET-- FINE--
SOMETIMES IT DOES GE A LITTLE OLD THOUGH.
LIKE I WISH THAT RANDY
WOULD ACTUALLY TAKE ON
A LOVER
SO HE WOULD QUIT BOTHERING ME
TO TAKE CARE OF HIS NEEDS.
THE ONLY TIME MANDY AND I
HAVE SEX IN THE SAME ROOM
IS WHEN SHE WALKS IN
ON ME MASTURBATING.
AND SHE USED TO WEAR
THESE PANTIES, YOU KNOW,
LIKE A NICE THONG.
BUT NOW IT'S JUS THESE GIANT--
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
ALMOST LIKE A-- LIKE--
LIKE A PARACHUTE--
LIKE A PARACHUTE
KIND OF THING, YOU KNOW.
LOOKS LIKE SHE'S IN
A BREAK DANCING MOVIE.
YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE
A REAL HORNY ORANGUTAN
ALL THE TIME.
WOW, HOW OFTEN
ARE YOU GUYS--
-AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH.
-IT'S SO EXHAUSTING.
-THAT'S NOT THAT MUCH.
-THAT IS A LOT.
AND I HAVE THESE FANTASIES.
WELL, THAT'S NORMAL.
I MEAN, WHO DOESN' LIKE A GOOD FANTASY?
I GO IN THE KITCHEN
AND I GRAB A CAST IRON SKILLE AND I-- I HIT HER
OVER THE HEAD WITH IT.
YEAH. AND THEN I STAND
ABOVE THE BODY--
AND SHE'S NOT DEAD,
BUT I STAND ABOVE
THE BODY--
AND I BASK
IN THE SILENCE.
[MANDY]
RANDY!
[BABY WHIMPERING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GONNA GO
PICK UP HER.
NO, LET HER CRY.
THEY NEED TO CRY
THEMSELVES OUT.
YOU NEVER LE CHLOE CRY,
NOW IMAGINE IF YOU HAD
SHE'S BE DIFFERENT.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY.
-[BABY CRYING]
-IT'S OKAY. SHH.
DON'T LISTEN
TO FRAULEIN HITLER.
GRANDPA'S HERE,
OKAY, BABY?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
SAME THING THAT'S BEEN
GOING ON FOR 25 YEARS.
YOUR FATHER AND I
JUST HAVE VERY DIFFEREN CONCEPTS OF CHILD REARING.
I KNOW.
REMEMBER THE TIME
YOU TOOK AWAY ALL MY TOYS?
OH, FOR GOD SAKES, CHLOE,
DON'T START ON ME TODAY.
I WAS SIX.
YOU YELLED AT ME AND TOLD ME
TO CLEAN UP MY ROOM.
I DID, BUT THE TOYS WANTED
TO STAY OUT AND PLAY.
SO EVEN THOUGH I PUT THEM
BACK IN THE TOY BOX,
THEY WOULDN'T STAY IN.
THEY CAME OU ALL BY THEMSELVES
TO PLAY.
NOW I REMEMBER, YOU MADE UP
THAT RIDICULOUS STORY
AND YOU WOULDN' LET IT GO.
I WANTED YOU TO BELIEVE,
AND YOU WOULDN'T.
HONEY, TOYS DON' CLIMB OU OF A TOY BOX
BY THEMSELVES,
FOR GOD SAKES.
-I COULDN'T BELIEVE YOU.
-I DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO BELIEVE ME,
I WANTED YOU
TO BELIEVE WITH ME.
I THOUGHT THAT IF
YOU COULD DO THAT,
THEN SO MANY OTHER THINGS
COULD BE POSSIBLE.
BUT YOU WOULDN' EVEN JUST PRETEND.
YOU JUST TOOK AWAY MY TOYS.
-JUST FOR ONE DAY.
YOU NEEDED TO LEARN.
-OR MAYBE YOU DID.
WHAT WAS DAD'S
BATHROOM EPIPHANY?
SHE'S SLEEPING NOW.
YOU KNOW, AMAZING THINGS
CAN HAPPEN TO YOU
IN THE BATHROOM.
LET ME TELL YOU, PRINCESS,
I REMEMBERED SPINNING
YET ANOTHER FANTASTIC YARN
ABOUT INNOCENCE
OF YET ANOTHER ONE
OF MY GUILTY REPREHENSIVE,
UNREMORSEFUL CLIENTS,
AND I SPUN THIS WILD
FABRICATION.
AND IT OCCURRED TO ME
THAT I HAVE BEEN DOING
THIS FOR YEARS.
CREATING ALTERNATE
REALITIES.
AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
WHY CAN'T I DO THA FOR MY OWN LIFE?
LET'S JUST CUT TO THE CHASE
AND CONFESS TO YOUR DAUGHTER
THAT YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND--
WITHOUT CONSULTING ME.
YOUR FATHER HAS
THIS ALTER EGO, LARRY,
THAT YOU DON' NEED A "LAWYER" LAWYER.
-HE'S SHOOTING THESE
UTTERLY USELESS VIDEOS.
-TOTALLY USEFUL.
SO USELESS THERE
ARE NO WORDS,
AND HE'S POSTING THEM
ON YOUTUBE.
PEOPLE SPEND THEIR HARD-EARNED
MONEY ON ATTORNEYS.
-IT'S A DISGRACE.
-NOBODY SEES THESE.
MAYBE A FEW HUNDRED PEOPLE.
IT'S PATHETIC.
OH, VISIONARIES ARE RARELY
RECOGNIZED IN THEIR OWN TIME.
MOM, IF IT MAKES HIM HAPPY.
HE'S IGNORING HIS PRACTICE.
HE DOES NOTHING BUT SHOO THESE INANE VIDEOS.
ESSENTIALLY,
HE'S TRYING TO PUT HIMSELF
OUT OF BUSINESS.
SHE'S EXAGGERATING.
IT WAS ALWAYS HER SECOND
BEST ORAL TALENT.
OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.
I GUESS A TAKE AWAY
FROM ALL THIS, CHLOE,
IS YOU DON'T LET THINGS
BUILD UP BETWEEN
YOU AND JEFF.
BE HONEST.
LET YOUR FEELINGS OUT.
I REALLY LIKE JEFF.
-I THINK HE'S GREAT.
-HMM.
-YOU GOT THOSE PIES
FROM GLEASON'S, RIGHT?
-YES.
THEY HAVE TO BE
FROM GLEASON'S.
HE'S CRAZY
ABOUT THE PUMPKIN PIE.
THE PROBLEM IS YOU'RE
NOT LISTENING TO ME.
NO, THE PROBLEM IS THA EVERYTHING YOU SAY
IS TOTAL BULLSHIT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHY ARE YOU SO SO SNEAKY.
ARE WE VISITING
OR ROBBING THIS PLACE?
NO, NO, WE'LL GO
IN THE BACK,
WE WON'T HAVE TO MAKE
SOME BIG PHONY ENTRANCE.
[MAN] WE'RE JUS HAVING A CONVERSATION.
WHY ARE YOU OVERREACTING?
[WOMAN]
I NEVER THOUGH I'D HEAR THOSE WORDS
-COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
-YOU'RE MISINTERPRETING
MY INTENTIONS.
NO, YOU'VE MADE YOURSELF
VERY CLEAR.
YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME
AND IT'S WORKING.
I THINK I'M HAVING
AN ANEURISM.
-WHAT DO WE DO?
-I DON'T KNOW.
-OKAY.
-NO, WE'LL GO THIS WAY.
THEY MIGHT SEE US.
HI, MAMA.
-JEFFY!
-HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
OH, HONEY, THANK YOU.
CHLOE.
OH, YOU LOOK SO PRETTY.
THANK YOU, SO DO YOU.
YOU HAVE A VERY
HEALTHY GLOW.
OH, SWEET. GLEASON'S.
-ARE THOSE PUMPKIN PIES?
-MAYBE.
OH, I'M GONNA GO
TAKE THEM OVER HERE.
SO HOW DO YOU TWO LOVE BIRDS
LIKE NESTING TOGETHER?
OH, THE NOVELTY WEARS OFF
AND THEY START TO GE ON YOUR NERVES.
OH, SHE'S NOT GETTING
ON MY NERVES.
IN FACT, SHE'S GONE
SO MUCH OF THE TIME,
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
SHE'S THERE.
-I REALLY MISS HER.
-OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.
YOU KNOW,
YOUR GRANDFATHER,
BERNHARD AND I,
USED TO BE LIKE THAT.
UNTIL HE MET THA GUATEMALAN WHORE
AND MOVED TO NEW YORK.
AND THEN, WELL,
HAD A HEART ATTACK,
LIKE HE SHOULD.
-WHAT?
-YES.
WHO WANTS GLEASON'S
PUMPKIN PIE?
OVER HERE.
BRING IT ON.
-FROM GLEASON'S.
-OH, I LOVE THAT STORE.
-FRESH.
-OH, LOOK AT THAT.
GIVE ME
THE WHIPPED CREAM.
THANKS.
YEAH, THERE WE GO.
I KNEW IT.
THESE PIES AREN' FROM GLEASON'S.
THEY'RE FROM
DOLLAR BARN.
[SIGHS]
YOU FORGED PIES?
YOU ACTUALLY BROUGH COUNTERFEI -GLEASON PUMPKIN PIES?
-DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
THEY CHARGE
-FOR THOSE STUPID
GLEASON'S PIES?
-YES.
I LOST MY JOB.
WHAT?
LIKE, HOW?
I'D RATHER NOT SAY.
WELL, I'D RATHER YOU
NOT NOT SAY.
I'D RATHER YOU SAY SAY.
OKAY. YOU KNOW FRANK?
YEAH, THE OLD GUY
WHO WORKS IN THE STOCK ROOM?
YEAH, WELL, MY MANAGER
TOOK HER LUNCH BREAK
AND HE DECIDED TO LAY DOWN,
AND, YOU KNOW,
HE WORKS TWO JOBS,
AND HE FELL ASLEEP.
AND?
AND HE LOOKED COLD
SO I LET HIM SLEEP
AND I PUT A BLANKE OVER HIM.
SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
-VIDEO SURVEILLANCE.
-OH.
BIG SISTER
WAS WATCHING.
-OH, WOW.
THAT SUCKS.
-YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO NOW?
THEY TOOK AWAY
ALL OF YOUR TOYS?
I BET YOU HATED
BEING A KID.
I LOVED BEING A KID.
UNTIL MY 12TH BIRTHDAY.
AFTER I BLEW OUT MY CANDLES
MY DAD TOOK ME OUTSIDE
FOR THE TALK.
BIRDS AND THE BEES TALK?
NO. THE REAL LIFE TALK.
YOU KNOW, JEFF, REAL LIFE
ISN'T LIKE BIRTHDAY PARTIES
WHERE PEOPLE
BUY YOU SHI FOR FREE AND LOVE YOU.
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT, SON.
WHEN YOU GROW UP
YOU GOTTA WORK YOUR ASS OFF.
BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE
SAY ABOUT WOMEN'S LIB,
YOU'LL BE EXPECTED
TO BE THE BREADWINNER.
ANYWAY.
HEAVY BIRTHDAYS.
THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE.
YEAH.
I DUNNO.
I GUESS I JUST--
I KINDA STOPPED
BEING A KID
A LITTLE BIT EVERY YEAR
AFTER THAT.
JEFF, WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME ANY OF THIS
WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER?
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS, IT'S JUS SO PERSONAL, YOU KNOW?
RIGHT. BECAUSE YOU DON' WANT TO GET TOO PERSONAL
WITH THE WOMAN
YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH.
[HUFFS]
CHELSEA,
YOU DO LOVE HIM
DON'T YOU?
I KNOW YOU'RE LIVING
WITH THIS GIRL
AND YOU'RE FOND OF HER,
BUT IN THE LONG RUN,
YOU WANT TO MERGE
WITH SOMEBODY WHO MAKES BANK.
IS THAT WHAT YOU AND MOM
WERE FIGHTING ABOUT?
YOU KNOW, DAD, FORGET IT.
YOU WOULDN'T TELL ME EVEN
IF YOU WERE.
I KNOW THAT YOU WILL BE
TAKING CARE OF MY JEFFREY
-BECAUSE HE NEEDS
TO BE TAKEN CARE OF.
-YEAH, HE DOES.
OH, BOY, AND YOU KNOW
ABOUT MEN.
WELL, YOU MIGHT NO KNOW ABOUT MEN,
-BUT THEY HAVE VERY,
VERY COLORFUL NEEDS.
-YEAH.
A LOT OF WANTS,
A LOT OF DESIRES.
-YEAH.
-ARE YOU WITH ME?
AND SERIOUSLY,
IT TAKES TWO PAYCHECKS
TO CREATE A DECENT CASH FLOW
IN TODAY'S ECONOMY.
WHEN ARE PEOPLE
GOING TO STOP STAYING
IN TODAY'S ECONOMY?
AT THE END OF THE DAY,
YOU DON'T WANNA BE
WITH SOMEBODY
WHO IS A DRAG
ON YOUR BOTTOM LINE.
GOD, FORBID, DAD.
-YOU'RE SO RIGH FOR EACH OTHER.
-YEAH.
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE
A PART OF THIS FAMILY.
I'M GONNA GO HELP MOM
IN THE KITCHEN.
HI MOM.
CAN I HELP YOU
WITH SOMETHING?
-OH, DEAR.
-WHAT'S THE MATTER?
NOTHING.
OH, THE HELL WITH IT.
YOUR FATHER WANTS
AN OPEN MARRIAGE.
OH, GEES.
MA, HE'S AN IDIOT.
ALL RIGHT, YOU POOR THING.
-ARE YOU OKAY?
-YEAH.
OH, DON'T TELL HIM
I SAID ANYTHING.
IT'LL ONLY
EXACERBATE THIS.
IT'S OKAY.
I KNOW A TERRIFIC THERAPIST.
YOU DO?
NO, BUT I THOUGH I SHOULD AT LEAST OFFER.
OH, JEFFY, JEFFY,
THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOU.
IT'S-- IT'S EVERYTHING
TO DO WITH US, SO YOU--
YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
SOMETIMES THINGS LIKE THIS,
THEY JUST WORK THEMSELVES OUT.
WELL, THAT WAS FUN.
YEAH, EXCEPT FOR
THE BOLDFACE LYING PART.
YEAH, THAT--
THAT WAS WEIRD.
HEY WHAT WAS UP
WITH YOUR PARENTS?
ANOTHER TIME, OKAY?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
EVOLVING, OPENING UP.
I DID. OKAY?
I AM, I WILL. I CAN.
ARE ANY OF THOSE
THE RIGHT THING
TO SAY TO YOU
BECAUSE I REALLY
DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
OKAY, JEFF,
I'M GLAD WE DID
WHAT WE DID.
IT WAS FUN, RIGHT?
COME ON, DON'T LOOK
AT ME LIKE THAT.
IT'S BETTER
THAN BEING ALONE.
YEAH.
I'M GLAD YOU SHARED.
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
I MEAN, IT MADE ME FEEL
CLOSER TO YOU.
SO WOULD THAT BE CLOSE ENOUGH
FOR TURKEY DAY BREAKUP SEX?
TURKEY DAY BREAKUP SEX?
FOR FUTURE REFERENCE,
DO NOT PUT SEX AND TURKEY
IN THE SAME SENTENCE.
AND, NO, I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
-I'LL SEE YA.
-YUP.
I KNEW I WAS STILL IN LOVE,
BUT WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW
WAS WHAT WAS
GONNA HAPPEN.
HOW COULD WE BE TOGETHER
IF IT MEANT I HAD TO CHANGE
WHO I WAS?
'CAUSE IT SURE DIDN'T SEEM
LIKE HE WANTED TO CHANGE.
HE WAS SO EAGER TO JUMP
RIGHT INTO IT.
INTO MIDDLE AGE, BUT I STILL
MISSED HIS CUTE LITTLE CHIN.
-HEY, HI, HOW ARE YOU?
-GREAT.
MY MOM INVITED YOUR PARENTS
TO OUR CHRISTMAS PARTY
AND THEY INVITED
KELLY AND BRIAN.
OH, GOD, NOT KELLY.
SHE'S LIKE A DRUG-SNIFFING DOG.
YEAH, WELL, OBVIOUSLY
YOU HAVEN'T COMMUNICATED
EFFECTIVELY
WITH YOUR OWN PARENTS.
WELL, NO, THEY'RE ACTUALLY
HAVING SOME ISSUES
SO THEY DON'T REALLY WAN TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.
WAIT A MINUTE,
YOU MUST NOT HAVE TOLD
YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY EITHER.
NO, I SUCK,
SO, ARE YOU
SEEING ANYONE?
-UH, YEAH,
THERE'S THIS GUY.
-I KNEW IT.
WHAT'S HE DO?
HE'S INTO SHOES.
WELL, LISTEN, I GOTTA GO.
JEFF, WAIT,
THERE'S NO GUY.
OKAY, WELL, IF YOU'RE
NOT DOING ANYTHING,
I MEAN, MAYBE
WE COULD GO TOGETHER.
JUST LIKE THANKSGIVING?
WE WILL CONTINUE
THIS PATHETIC TWISTED
FARCE.
WE'LL PUT ON ANOTHER
DASHING PASSIONATE PERFORMANCE
-AS A PERFECT COUPLE.
-SOUNDS GOOD.
ON.
CHLOE, DO YOU, UM--
YOU KNOW WHAT?
NEVER MIND, NEVER MIND.
I'M GONNA HANG UP NOW.
OKAY.
GOD, WOULD IT KILL ME
TO TELL HIM I MISS HIM?
WHAT WOULD BE
THE POINT?
I'M SO LONELY,
I JUST WANT SOMETHING TO HUG.
GET A CAT.
TRY CRAIGSLIST.
[KNOCKING]
THROUGH THE FIELD WE GO
LAUGHING ALL THE WAY
-HI, YA.
-HI, YA.
WOW, YOU LOOK GREAT.
YEAH, GLAD YOU CALLED ME.
-OH, OH.
-OH, MY GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU--
WHAT ARE YOU-- WHAT ARE YOU--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NOTHING.
OBVIOUSLY WHATEVER
IT WAS WAS WRONG.
WAIT, NO, HEY, YOU JUS CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD.
-IF YOU NEED A HUG.
-NO, I'M GOOD.
-ARE YOU SURE?
-YUP.
[SIGHS]
-YOU WORKING?
-NOPE.
BUT I HAVE A LO OF IRONS IN THE FIRE.
TONS, ACTUALLY.
YOU'RE BROKE,
AREN'T YOU?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
DO THAT?
LEAP TO RASH, UTTERLY
GROUNDLESS CONCLUSIONS
ABOUT ME
THAT HAPPEN TO BE TRUE.
[SIGHS]
GOD, I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.
SUCH A LOOSER.
LOW LIFE.
INEPT, USELESS,
PIECE OF CRAP.
-YOU CAN JUMP IN AT ANYTIME.
-YOU'RE NOT A LOSER.
IT'S JUST WITHOUT ME
YOUR LIFE IS SPINNING
TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL.
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I DO HAVE SOMETHING
THAT CAN REVERSE
YOUR CURRENT TREND.
JEFF, WE'RE NOT HAVING
BREAKUP SEX, LET'S GO.
JINGLE BELLS
JINGLE BELLS
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
OH WHAT FUN
IT IS TO RIDE
IN A ONE HORSE
OPEN SLEIGH
I'M FEELING A LITTLE GUILTY
ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.
I REALLY DON'T FEEL RIGH ABOUT LYING ON CHRISTMAS.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUS STOP PRETENDING AND--
WHAT AND TELL EVERYBODY?
STUPID?
LIKE? WHAT? NO.
THAT'S INSANE.
I WAS THINKING
THE SAME THING.
OKAY, LET'S DO IT.
HONESTY AND INTEGRITY
ALL THE WAY.
ALL THE WAY.
-OKAY.
-ALL RIGHT.
-WE CAN DO IT.
-WE'VE DONE IT.
-WE'VE DONE IT.
-IT'S DONE.
-IT'S ALREADY DONE.
-WE HAVEN'T DONE IT YET,
BUT WHEN WE GO INSIDE
WE'RE GONNA TELL EVERYBODY
WE'RE NOT A COUPLE.
ON CHRISTMAS.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-WE'RE NOT TOGETHER.
-WE BROKE UP.
A LONG TIME AGO,
BUT WE'VE BEEN PRETENDING
THIS WHOLE TIME.
YEAH.
YOU READY?
GIVE ME SOME WINE,
SWEETHEART.
GIVE ME ROOM.
-HI, NANA.
-HI, SWEETHEART.
-HI.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHELSEA.
CAN I HAVE A KISS, TOO?
-HI, NANA.
-HI, SWEETHEART.
-NANA, I NEED TO SAY--
-OKAY, I HAVE SOMETHING I WAN TO TELL YOU BOTH.
WELL, I'M--
I'M JUST NOT WELL
AND I DON'T KNOW
IF I'M GOING TO MAKE I -THROUGH TWO MORE YEARS.
-NANA, YOU SAY THIS
EVERY YEAR.
NO, NO. I KNOW, BUT THIS IS
SOMETHING I REALLY DO FEEL.
[COUGHS]
UM, I JUST KNOW
THIS IS COMING.
[COUGHS]
I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET--
[COUGHS]
DRAMATIC.
-NANA.
-NO.
I HAVE A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
THIS IS CALLED
SOMEDAY MONEY,
AND I DON'T NEED THIS MONEY,
BUT SOMEDAY YOU WILL.
AND I WANT YOU
TO HAVE IT.
-NANA, I--
-USE, UH--
YOU COULD BUY HER
A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.
-A HOUSE?
-WELL, EVERY WOMAN
WANTS A HOUSE
AND A DOG,
AND A BABY,
AND THAT'S WHAT BRINGS
YOU TWO TOGETHER MORE.
-BUT, NANA, I-- I CAN'T--
-PLEASE, PLEASE.
-I CAN'T TAKE IT.
-PLEASE. YES, YOU CAN.
I HID IT FROM BERNARD,
THAT G.D. SON OF A--
WHEN I SEE HIM,
I'M GONNA KICK HIS ASS
TO THE CURB.
THIS IS FOR YOU
TO MAKE ME HAPPY
AND TO GIVE ME
THE PEACE I NEED.
-NANA, I--
-PROMISE ME THAT YOU'LL BOTH
STAY TOGETHER FOREVER.
-LOOK, WE HAVE GO TO DO SOMETHING.
-I KNOW.
-WELL, WHAT--
SHE GAVE US CASH.
-I SAW THAT.
IT LOOKS LIKE
SHE ROBBED A BANK.
LET'S JUST--
WE'LL TELL HER NOW.
-YOUR MOM'S COMING.
LET'S TELL HER NOW.
-OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
-HI.
-HI, MOM.
-OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-HI.
-CHLOE.
-OH, YOU ARE
SO, SO LOVELY.
-THANK YOU.
-OH, LISTEN--
-MM-HMM, YEAH.
-LISTEN TO ME.
-[CHLOE] OH.
WE HAVE A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
OH, WHAT'S THIS?
-THIS IS THE KEY TO OUR FAMILY.
-OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I KNOW THAT CLARK
HAS A WAY OF LOCKING
PEOPLE OUT,
BUT HE PICKED
THIS OUT ESPECIALLY, SO--
LOOK.
-WOW, THANK YOU.
-YOU'RE WELCOME.
NOW, MORE IMPORTANTLY,
WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE
THE LITTLE LOVE NEST?
MOM, I-- I'VE TOLD YOU
BEFORE WE'RE JUST--
WE'RE BUSY-- SWAMPED,
WHAT WITH, YOU KNOW,
GIFTS,
AND CHLOE'S NEW JOB.
WHAT?
OH, YOU HAVE A NEW JOB?
HOW WONDERFUL.
-WHAT IS IT?
-OH, IT'S KIDS.
WORKING WITH KIDS.
KINDERGARTEN.
YUP, IT'S A PERFEC FIT FOR HER.
SHE'S ACTUALLY ENROLLED.
JEFF, STOP THAT.
SO, WHAT, YOU'RE TEACHING?
NO, I'M ACTUALLY
A TEACHER'S ASSISTANT.
BUT I AM GOING TO SCHOOL
FOR A TEACHING DEGREE.
WELL, YOU MUS BE SO PROUD.
YOU DO HAVE THAT SHEEN
OF ACCOMPLISHMENT ABOUT YOU,
DON'T YOU?
-OH.
-THANK YOU.
GIVE ME A MINUTE,
I GOTTA GO TALK TO DAD.
YEAH.
I CAN'T KEEP THIS.
I FEEL WAY TOO GUILTY.
YEAH, SO MUCH FOR THE HONESTY
AND INTEGRITY THING, RIGHT?
YOU DIDN'T JUMP IN.
[SIGHS]
WHATEVER.
THE KINDERGARTEN
TEACHING THING,
THAT WAS A SMOOTH MOVE.
JUST SOMETHING I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT FOR A WHILE.
-YEAH?
-OH, GREAT.
INCOMING.
-HEY.
-HI.
SO WHAT'S UP-- WHAT'S UP
WITH EBENEZER BACK THERE?
OH, YOUR FATHER, HE'S BEEN
IN SUCH A FOUL MOOD.
WELL, YOU REMEMBER
WHAT WE TALKED ABOU AT THANKSGIVING?
-YEAH.
-REMEMBER THAT?
-NO.
-WHAT?
OH, CERTAINLY
YOU TOLD CHLOE.
JEFF'S NOT MUCH OF A SHARER.
BOYS.
ALL RIGHT, SO JEFF'S FATHER
WAS GOING ON AND ON
ABOUT AN OPEN MARRIAGE,
AND, WELL, NATURALLY,
I WAS-- I WAS CRUSHED,
BUT, I GAVE IN,
AND THERE'S THIS YOUNG MAN
AT THE CLUB, FERNANDO,
THE TENNIS PRO,
AND HE'S SUCH A--
HE'S SUCH A LARGE MAN,
YOU KNOW?
AND, WELL, FRANKLY,
I HAD FORGOTTEN
HOW INCREDIBLY
INTENSE SEX COULD BE.
IT'S LIKE BIKRAM YOGA.
I'VE NEVER SWEAT SO MUCH
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
MOM, PLEASE.
I'M BEGGING YOU,
-DON'T FINISH
THAT SENTENCE.
-OH, POOH.
-I'M GONNA GO
SEE MY PARENTS.
-OKAY.
IT'S REALLY SORT OF DYNAMIC
FOR HIM, YOU KNOW?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU'RE TELLING ME THIS
ON CHRISTMAS?
-I DON'T KNOW WHY
WE NEED A DANCER.
-BECAUSE YOU PROMISED ME.
-YOU SAID IT WAS
THE ONE THING--
-HEY.
-HEY.
-OH, HI, HONEY.
YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE
A COUPLE OF GRINCHES.
-WHO DIED?
-NOBODY DIED. WE'RE FINE.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS, HONEY.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-YOU HAVE SUCH A SWEE BOYFRIEND.
-YOU'VE REALLY DONE
WELL FOR YOURSELF.
-UH, YEAH, SURE.
JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS,
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
OH, WHAT FUN
IT IS TO RIDE
IN A ONE HORSE
OPEN SLEIGH
-HI.
-HELLO.
-CHRISTMAS HUG?
-OH, YES.
-OH.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[SIGHS]
HELLO, AGAIN.
-EXCUSE ME?
-OH.
OH, IT'S YOU.
YOU TALK.
YES, UNFORTUNATELY.
SOMETIMES I GE A LITTLE NERVOUS
WHEN I'M AROUND
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS
AND I TEND
TO JIBBER JABBER
AND PUT MY FOO IN MY MOUTH.
SOMETIMES BOTH FEET.
[CHUCKLES]
YEAH, I'M ACTUALLY
REALLY FLEXIBLE.
I-- WHEN I WAS A KID
I PUT MY TOES IN MY MOUTH
AND I WOULD
SUCK ON... SHIT.
YOU USED TO SUCK
ON SHIT?
MY TOES, NOT SHIT.
I'M SORRY, IT WAS GOOD
SEEING YOU AGAIN.
OH, NO, DON'T GO.
YOU'RE JUST OPENING UP
AND SHARING.
AND BEING HONEST.
IT'S NICE.
SO THE SCARY TOE-SUCKING GUY
DIDN'T SCARE YOU AWAY?
NOT IF YOU KEEP
YOUR SHOES ON.
SO, YOU CAME WITH KELLY?
SHE DIDN'T WAN TO COME ALONE.
BRIAN DUMPED HER.
-OH.
-HELL OF A THING.
ESPECIALLY RIGH BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS.
-WHO DOES THAT?
-OH.
-SHE'S CRYING A LOT.
-YEAH, SHOULD WE GO
CHECK ON HER?
NO, I DON'T WANNA
ENJOY THIS.
OKAY.
-KELLY.
-GUYS.
-HEY, CUPCAKE, THERE YOU ARE.
-WHAT'S WRONG.
BRIAN.
MARCIE.
SHE GOT HER MASTERS.
I GOT MY MBA.
-MY MBA!
-THAT BASTARD,
AND RIGHT BEFORE
THE HOLIDAYS.
OH, YOU GUYS,
I DON'T KNOW WHA I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU.
I MEAN, REALLY.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
COME GIVE ME A HUG.
-[SOBBING]
-OH, OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.
YOU ARE,
YOU ARE A GOOD,
GOOD MAN.
-THANK YOU.
-I'M GONNA GO
FRESHEN UP.
-I'M GONNA GO
TAKE CARE OF HER.
-OKAY.
-WHAT WAS THAT?
-WHAT WAS WHAT?
SHE WAS PRACTICALLY
DRY HUMPING YOU.
AND THAT WOULD
BOTHER YOU BECAUSE--?
YOU ARE-- NOT MY PROBLEM
MAKING A SPECTACLE
OF YOURSELF.
GO AHEAD.
HUMP AWAY.
-THANKS.
-HAVE FUN.
THANKS.
-HI, NANA.
- HI, CHELSEA.
-OH, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
-THIS IS KELLY.
OH.
[KELLY]
WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH YOU TWO?
I MEAN, REALLY?
I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU KEEP
BANGING THAT DRUM, KELLY.
-JEFF AND I ARE FINE.
-RIGHT.
SO, THAT'S WHY HE'S BEEN
SITTING OVER THERE
WAITING UNDER THE MISTLETOE
FOR SOMEONE TO SUCK
HIS LIPS OFF?
OH, HE'S FINE.
HE'S A LONE WOLF.
NO, WHAT?
FINE, IF YOU'RE NO GONNA DO IT, THEN I WILL.
NO, OKAY, GOD,
COULD YOU BE MORE
ANNOYING?
YOU HAVEN'T KISSED ME
LIKE THAT IN FOREVER.
I WAS MERELY PRESERVING
THE FACADE.
IT WAS AN AC FOR DETECTIVE KELLY.
YOU LIKED THIS KISS,
DIDN'T YOU?
EH.
IT WAS A PERFECTLY
APPROPRIATE KISS
BETWEEN TWO
INCOMPATIBLE ADULTS.
IT'S ALL MY TRAGICALLY THIN,
LITTLE LIPS HAVE TO OFFER.
WELL, I THINK YOUR LIPS
ARE THE BEST I'VE EVER MET.
REALLY?
I SWEAR TO GOD.
I FELT LIKE THIS
STIRRING IN MY LOINS.
YOU WANNA FEEL IT?
AH, THANKS FOR THE OFFER,
BUT NO THANKS.
YOU CAN TELL YOUR LOINS
TO FORGET IT.
I'M GONNA TURN
THE OTHER WAY NOW.
[JEFF]
YOU GO FIRST.
A JUGGLING KIT?
YOU BRAT.
"BUILDING YOUR DREAM HOUSE."
THIS IS, UH,
SO GROWN UP OF YOU.
I WAS EXPECTING
SOMETHING SILLY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WHEN YOU TOLD ME
ABOUT YOUR HEARTBREAK
AND I PRETENDED LIKE
I DIDN'T HAVE ONE?
WELL, I DID.
GINNY.
I WANTED TO MARRY HER.
I PUT AN ENGAGEMENT RING
ON HER FINGER,
BUT IT GOT STUCK,
SO SHE CUT IT OFF
AND MAILED IT BACK
TO ME IN PIECES.
I'M SORRY,
I-- I SHOULDN'T HAVE
DUMPED ON YOU.
NO.
I'M GLAD YOU TOLD ME.
HEY, YOU.
-YOU.
-YOU.
-YOU.
-YOU.
-GOOD NIGHT.
-MMM.
YOU KNOW, NEW YEAR'S EVE
IS SNEAKING UP ON US.
AND I DON'T WAN TO BE HOME ALONE.
NEITHER DO I.
MAYBE WE COULD GO
TO PETER'S SOIREE TOGETHER?
YEAH, YEAH,
THAT'S--
I MEAN, WHO WANTS TO SPEND
NEW YEAR'S EVE ALONE, RIGHT?
-OKAY.
-OKAY.
-READ UP.
-YEAH.
I AM THE DELIBERATE
CREATOR OF MY LIFE.
I CAN BE SERIOUS.
SERIOUSLY, TRUST ME.
I TRUST YOU, CHLOE.
YOU'VE ALWAYS
BEEN THERE FOR ME.
YOU'LL CATCH ME.
[MOANS]
WHY DIDN'T YOU CATCH ME?
I TRUSTED YOU.
-[PHONE RINGS]
-JEFF?
OH.
HI, DAD.
LISTEN, YOUR MOM
IS VERY UPSET.
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT IT BEFORE SHE DID.
UH...
I DON'T WANT TO REMODEL
THE HOUSE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I DON' WANT THE HOUSE.
-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
-WELL, I--
-[DOOR OPENS]
-OH, DAMN, SHE'S HOME EARLY.
HE WANTS TO SELL THE HOUSE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
SELL OUR HOME, OUR HOUSE.
IT'S NOT A HOUSE,
IT'S AN $800,000 ALBATROSS.
IF I DON'T EVER CHANGE
ANOTHER SPRINKLER HEAD
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE,
I'LL BE VERY HAPPY.
AND IF I NEVER STEP FOO IN A HOME DEPOT AGAIN,
I WILL CONSIDER THE RES OF MY LIFE A GRAND SUCCESS.
OH, PLEASE, WE CAN HIRE
PEOPLE TO DO THAT.
I DON'T WANT TO HIRE
ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING
MORE TO THIS HOUSE.
I WANT TO BE FREE.
YOU SEE, THIS IS WHA I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU,
SWEETHEART.
YOUR MOTHER AND I
ARE TAKING VACATIONS.
THAT'S GREAT.
WAIT!
-VACATIONS?
-SEPARATE.
OH, I AGREED
TO A VACATION.
GIVE HIM TIME TO CLEAR
HIS MUDDLED BRAIN.
BUT IT TURNS OU OUR IDEAS OF VACATIONS
-ARE COMPLETELY OPPOSITE.
-[SIGHS]
I BOOKED
A SPECTACULAR CRUISE
WHERE EVERYTHING WAS PLANNED
DOWN TO THE LAST LITTLE
ICE SCULPTURE WAS GOING TO BE--
GORGING OURSELVES
ON A FLOATING HOTEL,
SUFFERING THROUGH
HIDEOUS DINNER THEATER
WITH PEOPLE YOU HAVE
TO PRETEND YOU LIKE.
-I'D RATHER JUMP
OFF A BRIDGE.
-JUMP.
JUMP NOW.
JUMP OFF THE LEDGE.
I AM FLYING TO ROME.
THAT'S IT.
I'M FLYING TO ROME.
I'M GOING TO RENT A CAR
AND JUST DRIVE.
SEE WHERE THE WIND
TAKES ME.
FREE.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.
WE WANTED YOU TO KNOW.
YOUR FATHER'S LOST HIS MIND.
THINKS HE'S A BIRD.
AND DAMN PROUD OF IT.
BY THE WAY, SWEETHEART,
HOW'S JEFF?
OH, UH, HE'S--
OH, MY, GOD,
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME
YOU SOMEHOW MANAGED
TO LOSE THE BEST THING
THAT EVER HAP--
JEFF'S SUPER.
HE'S GREAT, OKAY?
YOU DON'T NEED
TO WORRY ABOUT US.
WE'RE FINE.
FABULOUS.
HONEY, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
TEARS OF JOY.
OH, I CAN' TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
I'M OUT.
JUMP, DUMP, DRIVE--
WHO CARES?
OH, HEY, JEFF.
HI, JEFF.
HEY, JEFF.
[CLEARS THROAT]
MAYBE DON'T WINK.
OKAY, DON'T DO THAT.
OKAY.
HEY, JEFF.
JEFF.
I'M WEARING THAT LITTLE
BLACK DRESS YOU BOUGHT ME.
[PHONE RINGS]
HELLO, SISTA.
HOW ARE YA?
WHAT?
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
-DAD! ARE YOU OKAY?
-I'M FINE. I'M FINE.
HONEY, IT WAS JUS PRECAUTIONARY.
YOU SAID CHEST PAINS.
HIS EKG IS NORMAL.
THE DOCTOR'S THINK IT WAS
JUST A PANIC ATTACK.
I THOUGH I WAS GONNA LOSE YOU.
-I DON'T WANNA LOSE YOU.
-YOU'RE NOT GONNA LOSE ME.
[CHUCKLES]
I'M FINE. I'M FINE,
SWEETHEART.
-I PROMISE.
-OKAY.
-LET'S GO, DEAR.
-YEAH.
BUT LISTEN,
YOUR MOTHER AND I
ARE STILL GOING TO GO
ON A LONG CRUISE.
WELL, I'M NOT ENTIRELY
OPPOSED TO FLYING TO ROME
AND RENTING A CAR.
BUT I WANT RESERVATIONS
FOR AT LEAST THE FIRS FEW NIGHTS.
SEE WHAT I HAVE TO DO
TO GET MY WAY?
CHLOE, I KNOW I'VE BEEN
ROUGH ON YOU.
WAY TOO ROUGH.
IT'S ONLY BECAUSE
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I ALWAYS WANTED
SO MUCH FOR YOU.
I GUESS I KNEW THAT,
BUT IT'S REALLY NICE
TO HEAR YOU SAY IT.
DAD, PLEASE TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF.
-HEY, I'M GETTING OLDER,
BUT I'VE GOT YOU THREE.
-YOU SURE DO.
YOU LOOK REALLY
PRETTY TONIGHT.
YOU GOING OUT ON A DATE?
YOU GOING TO A PARTY?
YOU'RE GOING TO A PARTY,
RIGHT?
-GO ON, GO, GO.
-GO, HONEY.
NO, I'M NOT--
I'M NOT LEAVING YOU.
I'M GONNA STAY HERE
AND I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU.
GO. GO LIVE THE LIFE
I NO LONGER HAVE, OKAY?
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
I LOVE YOU.
-I LOVE YOU, TOO.
-OH, WE LOVE YOU, BABY.
-OKAY, MOM.
-GO.
GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO.
HAVE FUN.
THERE'S A PART OF ME
THAT WANTS TO LET GO
RUN AWAY FROM EVERYTHING
THAT I KNOW
GETTING READY,
PUTTING ON MY NEW SHOES
NEW DRESS, NEW FACE...
WE WILL MAKE A NIGH THAT WE'LL REMEMBER
PARTY LIKE
WE'RE GONNA LIVE FOREVER
FAVORITE SONG IS BLASTING
THROUGH THE STEREO
CALLS YOU, LET'S GO
- I'M LIVING THE LIFE
-HAVE YOU SEEN JEFF?
NO, BUT HAVE YOU
SEEN ME DANCE?
HEY, FINALLY BROKE UP
WITH THAT BITCH.
-HELLO.
-HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN JEFF?
NO.
CHLOE!
IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.
DO YOU--
DO YOU WANNA--
I'LL PUKE ON YOU.
CHLOE, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YOU'RE SWEET.
WHAT IS--
-HAVE YOU SEEN JEFF?
-JEFF GOLDBLUM?
CHLOE, I JUS THREW UP SPAGHETTI.
-WHAT? OKAY.
-WAIT WAIT! WAIT!
-I DIDN'T EAT SPAGHETTI.
-OH, GOD.
-[NOISEMAKER SQUEAKS]
-CHECK IT OUT.
DID YOU EVER
SEE THESE BEFORE?
IT'S CRAZY.
[ALL]
FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE!
[NOISEMAKERS POPPING]
HAPPY NEW YEAR, JEFF.
-YEAH. HAPPY NEW YEAR.
-[KELLY CHUCKLES]
[SOBBING]
I'M THE LUCKIEST GIRL
IN THE WORLD.
AND TODAY IS THE BES DAY OF MY LIFE.
GIVE ME YOUR INSIGHTS,
OH, GIBBOUS MOON
I NEED YOUR HELP TONIGH I GOT A HUNCH YOU KNOW
JUST WHERE YOU'RE HEADING
SAY YOU'LL BE
BACK BY HERE, AND SOON
BATHING ME IN YOUR LIGH [MOTHER]
YOUR FATHER HAS DECIDED
HE WANTS A CLOSED MARRIAGE.
WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
[MOTHER]
ME? I'D LIKE A FEW
MORE TENNIS LESSONS,
BUT I SHALL ABSTAIN.
-HI, MOM.
-HI, SWEETIE.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BELIEVE THIS,
BUT WE'VE BEEN DRIVING
IN ITALY.
GOING FROM TOWN TO TOWN,
STAYING IN THE MOS DARLING PLACES.
AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, JEFFY?
HAVE YOU TALKED
TO CHLOE?
YES, SHE'S, UM, GREAT.
YEAH, LOOK, MOM,
I GOTTA GO.
OKAY, BYE-BYE.
[SIGHS]
YOUR FATHER'S
BEEN VERY HORNY.
OH, MY GOD, WE'VE HAD
SO MUCH SEX I CAN
BARELY WALK.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, MOM.
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
DO NOT NEED TO HEAR
ANY OF THAT.
[LAUGHING]
HONEY, PUT SOME
PANTS ON.
I'M SORRY, YOUR FATHER,
UM, WE DON'T KNOW, SWEETIE,
BUT IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
WE ARE HAVING THE BEST TIME.
WE DON'T EVEN CARE.
HOW ARE YOU SWEETHEART?
HAVE YOU HEARD FROM JEFF?
NO, NOT AT ALL.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY
I BROUGHT IT UP.
IT'S OKAY.
HAVE FUN IN ITALY.
-I CAN BARELY WALK, BUT--
-YOU SAID THAT ALREADY.
-OKAY, I'M HANGING UP NOW.
-BYE, SWEETHEART.
YOU MIGHT COME HOME
WITH A LITTLE BROTHER.
NO, STOP. OKAY,
I'M HANGING UP, BYE.
THERE IS SOMETHING
ABOUT YOU
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY OTHER THAN
PLEASE STAY
STICK AROUND
AND I'LL SHOW YOU
WHAT YOU DESERVE
YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL
OH, I HOPE YOU KNOW
THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL
SHE WAS NEVER
RIGHT FOR YOU.
I KNOW IT DOESN' SEEM LIKE IT NOW,
BUT THIS IS FOR THE BEST.
TRUST ME.
AND I NEED THIS ON MY DESK
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
I DON'T CARE HOW LATE
YOU GOTTA STAY
TO GET IT DONE,
JUST GET IT DONE, OKAY?
- SOMETHING TRUE
-YOU GOT IT.
SOMETHING TRUE
TO HOLD ONTO
FOR DEAR, DEAR LIFE
YOU ARE MY DEAR
WHEN YOU ARE HERE
THERE'S NOTHING ELSE
THANK YOU ALL
FOR BEING HERE.
THIS SONG IS CALLED
"SOMETHING ABOUT YOU."
YOUR SOUL AND MY SOUL
WHERE YOU GOING? JEFF!
IT IS ONE
OR SO IT FEELS
SO I HAVE TO SAY
THANK YOU
FOR SHOWING ME HOW
TO BE
ME
OH, I AM ME
WHEN I'M NEXT TO YOU
CAN'T YOU SEE
IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE
I WOULD NOT LIE TO YOU
-THANK YOU.
-[CHEERS]
OH, YOU WENT FULL MIME
ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
THAT'S NICE.
OH, YOUR HEART'S BEATING.
YEAH.
SO, ANYWAY,
WITH MY NEW JOB
AND YOUR WEALTH
MANAGEMENT SKILLS,
WE'RE GONNA MAKE
A GREAT TEAM.
-WE COULD HAVE,
LIKE TEN KIDS, BABE.
-YEAH.
OH, FOR ME?
A CARD?
THANK YOU.
"HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
BE MINE."
[LAUGHS]
OH, THAT'S NICE.
THANKS.
WHAT'S WRONG?
DID I SAY SOMETHING?
UH, NO, NO,
IT'S GREAT.
EVERYTHING'S GREAT.
BABY, I GOT YOU
A VALENTINE'S PRESENT.
CHLOE?
JEFF.
-YOU CAME TO OUR PLACE.
-SO DID YOU.
-I SANG AT OPEN MIC NIGHT.
-I KNOW.
-YOU DO?
-YEAH.
-YOU KNOW?
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
-I WAS THERE.
-YOU WERE?
-YEAH.
I WAS THERE.
I WAS GONNA COME UP
AND CONGRATULATE YOU,
BUT THEN I SAW YOU
WITH HIM.
OH, YEAH.
THAT SONG,
WHEN I WAS SINGING IT,
IT WAS ABOUT YOU.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU
THE WHOLE TIME.
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN YOU.
I'VE NEVER WANTED TO BE
WITH ANYBODY ELSE.
AND I DON'T--
I DON'T CARE IF WE PRETEND--
I DON'T WAN TO PRETEND, OKAY?
-IT'S REAL.
-I DON'T EVER WAN TO BE AWAY FROM YOU.
YOU MAKE ME BETTER.
I'VE BEEN SO IMMATURE.
I WILL GROW UP.
-NO.
I'LL GROW UP.
I CAN GROW UP.
NO, DON'T.
GROWING UP IS STUPID.
I WANNA GO BACK
TO BEING A KID WITH YOU.
-YOU DO?
-YEAH, I DO.
WE CAN EVEN GO
TO CLOWN SCHOOL
IF YOU WANT.
-REALLY?
-YEAH.
OKAY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, CHLOE.
I LOVE YOU.
I'M THE LUCKIEST GIRL
IN THE WORLD.
AND TODAY IS THE BEST DAY
OF MY LIFE.
WHAT THE HELL, JEFF.
WE'RE ALL TRAVELING DOWN
THIS LONELY ROAD
WE'RE ALL TUMBLING
IN THE TIDE
BUT I AM HERE
TO SIMPLY LET YOU KNOW
I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
WE ALL HEAR THAT VOICE
INSIDE OUR SOUL
THE WIND WHISPERS
IN THE NIGHT
WHATEVER LIES DOWN THIS
OLD WINDING ROAD
I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
OH, OH, OH, OH
DON'T HAVE TO FACE
THIS WORLD ALONE
OH, OH, OH, OH
I'LL BE THE PLACE
THAT YOU CALL HOME
OH, OH, OH
THE PAGE IS TURNING,
YEARS GO BY
AND I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
A HUNDRED BOOKS
CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO
A THOUSAND SONGS
STILL DON'T RHYME
BE YOURSELF AND KEEP
YOUR HEART TRUE
I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
OH, OH, OH, OH
YOU DON'T HAVE TO FACE
THIS WORLD ALONE
OH, OH, OH
I'LL BE THE PLACE
THAT YOU CALL HOME
OH, OH, OH
THE PAGE IS TURNING,
YEARS GO BY
AND I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE
WE CHOOSE
TO PLANT OUR ROOTS
WE ALWAYS BLOSSOM
IN EACH OTHER'S LIGHT
AND FROM THE SHELTER
OF YOUR OPEN ARMS
YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES
AND SAY,
OH, OH, OH, OH
YOU DON'T HAVE TO FACE
THIS WORLD ALONE
OH, OH, OH, OH
I'LL BE THE PLACE
THAT YOU CALL HOME
OH, OH, OH, OH
THE PAGE IS TURNING,
YEARS GO BY
I'LL BE RIGHT BY
YOUR SIDE
I'LL BE RIGHT BY
YOUR SIDE
[COUGHING]
WHEN I WAS A KID
ALL I WANTED WAS
TO GROW UP.
ONCE I DID,
ALL I WANTED WAS
TO BE A KID AGAIN.
I THOUGHT LOVE
COULD MAKE THAT HAPPEN.
I WAS SURE
FALLING IN LOVE
MEANT YOU NEVER
HAD TO GROW UP.
EVERY STORY
HAS A BEGINNING.
[SOBBING]
I'M THE LUCKIEST GIRL
IN THE WORLD,
AND TODAY
IS THE BEST DAY
OF MY LIFE.
AND THIS ISN'T IT.
THIS IS NEAR THE END.
GO BACK.
KEEP GOING BACK.
FURTHER.
FURTHER.
NOPE, GOTTA KEEP MOVING.
THAT'S CUTE,
BUT WE'RE NO THERE YET.
BACK FURTHER.
JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.
OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
THIS IS IT.
THIS IS WHERE
OUR STORY BEGINS.
ANOTHER DAY
HAS JUST BEGUN
YOU SHINING
LIKE A SUN
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,
YES, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
OH, EVERYONE
CAN SEE YOU GLOW
NOW IT'S TIME
FOR YOU TO KNOW
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
YES, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-OH-OH
HEY, SIS, ARE YOU BRINGING
A GUY TO WATCH THE FIREWORKS?
WHY DOES EVERYONE
THINK I NEED A MAN
TO COMPLETE MY LIFE?
BECAUSE WE CAN ALL TELL
HOW MISERABLE YOU ARE.
I'M NOT MISERABLE.
I'M TOTALLY FINE.
-DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY.
-WHAT ABOUT AFTER SERGIO
AND THE TENT OF DOOM
AND DESPAIR?
-CHLOE.
-[MOANS]
IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS.
JUST LEAVE ME
WHAT I NEED.
AND I'LL COME OUT SOON.
I PROMISE.
I THINK. I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S TIME TO COME OU OF THE TENT.
YEAH, I'LL COME OU AS SOON AS I PRY
THE SPOON OUT OF MY COLD
DEAD FINGERS.
I GOTTA GO.
I'M DRIVING, SO--
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
YOUR BEAUTIFUL
-[THUD]
-OH, SHIT.
[TOY SQUEAKS]
HI. BEAUTIFUL DAY,
ISN'T IT?
LISTEN, I JUST HAVE ONE
TEENSY LITTLE THING
TO ASK YOU.
UH, WHA WERE YOU THINKING?
JUST STOPPING LIKE THA IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET?
OH, I'M SORRY,
I WAS DISTRACTED
BY THAT OCTAGONAL SIGN
THERE.
THE RED ONE,
THAT SAYS STOP.
BY THE WAY, I'M FINE,
THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
HELLO, THIS IS L.A.
WE DON'T STOP.
WE PAUSE.
LINGER BRIEFLY.
AND THEN WE KEEP GOING.
YOU'RE NOT FROM
AROUND HERE, ARE YA?
NO, I JUS RELOCATED FROM O.C.
LISTEN, I REALLY AM SORRY
FOR HITTING YOUR CAR.
I'M EASILY DISTRACTED,
BUT I'M TRYING TO CHANGE.
SO, IF THERE'S ANY DAMAGE
TO YOUR CAR AT ALL, REALLY,
UM, THIS SHOULD COVER IT.
I WANT YOU
TO HAVE BABALU.
[CHUCKLES]
WOW.
BABALU?
I'M HONORED.
I'M, UH, GLAD
YOU RAN INTO ME.
PERHAPS I COULD, UH,
BACK UP AND RAM YOU AGAIN?
UM, WELL, HERE'S MY CARD.
SO OFFICIAL.
JEFF, COOL.
IT'S TRUSTWORTHY.
-I SHOULD PROBABLY
GET YOUR NUMBER.
-GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
SUDDENLY I'M BACK
IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.
-OH, WOULDN'T IT BE SO COOL?
-OH, YEAH, AWESOME.
THE MOCKING, WEDGIES,
CONSTANTLY FEELING INFERIOR.
CHLOE.
IT'S A GREAT NAME.
THANK YOU.
I THINK I LIKE YOU.
YOU'RE JUST-- OKAY
UM, ALL RIGHT, WELL...
-ONE QUESTION,
TRUSTWORTHY JEFF.
-YEAH.
DO YOU HAVE PLANS TO WATCH
THE FIREWORKS LATER?
NO.
YOU HAVE TO ADMIT WE CREATE
OUR OWN REALITIES.
COUNTER-INTUITIVE BULLSHI PSYCHO BABBLE.
NOW THERE'S A WHOLE
GENERATION'S BEEN BRAINWASHED
INTO BELIEVING THAT THEY CAN
CHANT OR MYSTICALLY CONJURE
THEIR CONCRETE GOALS
INTO EXISTENCE
ON THEIR SECRE WISH BOARDS.
NO WONDER THE COUNTRY'S
FALLING APART.
HONEY, PLEASE STOP TALKING.
YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE.
-HI, DAD, MOM.
-WELL, HI, HONEY.
-THIS IS JEFF.
-HI. NICE TO MEET YOU, SIR.
HE JUST ESCAPED
FROM ORANGE COUNTY.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE BRINGING SOMEONE.
HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO FIND
SUCH A HANDSOME YOUNG MAN?
I DRUGGED HIM.
AND THEN I BEAT HIM HARD
INTO SUBMISSION.
MOM, YOU GOTTA STOP
PUMPING ME WITH CONFIDENCE.
-SHE REAR-ENDED ME.
-T.M.I., SON.
WHAT CHLOE DOES IN HER
SPARE TIME IS HER BUSINESS.
-MOM, WHAT IS THIS?
-OH, ISN'T THIS FABULOUS?
WE'RE GONNA PU THE JACUZZI HERE.
THE YOGA TEMPLE
OVER THERE.
AND IF I HAVE MY WAY,
A DANCE STUDIO.
WHERE'S MY ROOM?
WELL, HONEY,
WE'RE REMODELING.
YOUR ROOM'S
BEING REPURPOSED.
MY CHILDHOOD IS BEING
REPURPOSED?
OH, DON'T MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL
OUT OF THIS, CHLOE.
WE JUST MOVED
A FEW ROOM AROUND.
IT'S NOTHING.
SO, JEFF,
OC, WHAT'S THAT LIKE?
HORRIBLE?
-HEY.
-THIS IS MY SISTER, MANDY.
-HI.
-SHE'S BEEN MARRIED
10 YEARS TO RANDY.
MANDY, THIS IS JEFF.
HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.
HEY, I'M RANDY.
RANDY AND MANDY.
YOU GET THAT?
NAMES RHYME.
-NICE TO MEET YOU.
-SWEETHEART, CAN YOU PLEASE
GO CHECK ON THE BABY?
-[BABY CRYING]
-YOU GOT IT.
BE RIGHT BACK.
RISING UP TO LET US SING
TO THE SEA
OH, WHY WON' YOU TAKE ME?
GIVE ME YOUR INSIGHTS,
OH, GIBBOUS MOON
I NEED YOUR HELP
TONIGHT
I GOT A HUNCH YOU KNOW
JUST WHERE YOU'RE HEADING
YOUR MOM
AND YOU LIVE HERE?
IN THE BACK
THERE'S A GUEST HOUSE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHY ARE YOU STOPPING
THE CAR?
THAT'S-- ARE YOU GONNA
TRY TO MAKE A MOVE?
IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING?
OKAY.
-SORRY.
-NO.
ALL RIGHT, COULD WE
JUST DO IT ALREADY?
MY LIPS
ARE GETTING NERVOUS.
YEAH.
I SHOULD GO.
NO, WAIT.
IT'S YOUR EYES.
AND I LOVE YOUR EYES.
I KNEW THE REST OF YOU
WAS GREAT, TOO, BUT...
I LOVE YOUR EYES.
-I GOTTA--
I'M GONNA GO.
-OKAY.
THAT'S WEIRD,
MY, UM, MY MIND
IS NOT CORRELATING
WITH MY BODY.
I'M TRYING TO MOVE,
BUT I'M NOT ABLE TO.
READY, SET,
ONE-TWO-THREE.
YOU'RE SO SILLY.
-OKAY.
-OKAY, YEAH.
I'LL WALK YOU.
CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?
I NEED TO THINK
ABOUT IT, OKAY?
YEAH, OKAY.
WHEN WE'RE ADULTS,
AND NOT CRAZY TEENAGERS.
-RIGHT.
-TAKE ALL THE TIME
YOU NEED.
-[DOORBELL RINGING]
-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-HI.
-HEY.
-HI.
-CHLOE.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HERE.
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
-I DON'T KNOW.
I FELT LIKE
I HAVE TO BE HERE.
I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU
MY INSURANCE CARD.
-UM, SORRY, I THOUGH YOU SHOULD HAVE IT.
-YEAH.
YEAH, IT'S OKAY.
-COME HERE.
-OH, MY GOD.
I DON'T WAN TO LEAVE YOU.
I FEEL SO CRAZY.
DON'T FEEL CRAZY.
YOU'RE NOT CRAZY.
I WANTED YOU--
I WANTED TO STILL
HANG OUT AND THEN--
WE JUST-- WE JUST MET.
IT'S OKAY.
HEY, THERE'S NO HURRY.
WHAT?
NO HURRY?
WHY? THEN WHY--
WHY-- I THOUGHT WE WERE
ON THE SAME LEVEL--
A PAGE OF UM THIS HEAT--
BURNING DESIRE,
-BUT THAT'S CLEARLY WRONG,
SO I'LL JUST GO.
-HEY, HEY.
NO! NO NAKED.
SEX ON THE FIRST DATE
WOULD PUT ME
IN THE HO ZONE,
AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.
WE HAVE TO WAIT.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
GOTCHA.
-WE UH NEED
A HO ZONE DEFENSE.
-HOW LONG?
LAST TIME I CHECKED
A DAY WAS 24 HOURS.
WELL, YOU MIGHT WANNA
GET COMFORTABLE.
HOW LONG'S IT BEEN?
THREE MINUTES.
-WAIT, THIS IS
-I KNOW, IT'S CRAZY
AND IMPULSIVE AND IT'S
SO NOT LIKE ME.
I MEAN, I'M NO SOME PRUDE,
BUT, I DON' WANNA GET HURT.
I WON'T HURT YOU.
THAT'S WHAT SERGIO SAID.
SERGIO?
HE WROTE ME THE MOS BEAUTIFUL POEMS.
SERGIO WHO WROTE YOU POEMS.
WE TALKED ABOUT KIDS,
MARRIAGE, EVERYTHING.
AND THEN I FOUND HIM IN BED
WITH MY BEST FRIENDS.
-WAIT, FRIENDS? PLURAL?
-YEAH.
DANNY AND CHER ARE
MY BEST FRIENDS.
THAT'S HORRIBLE.
DID YOU TAKE
ANY PICTURES?
NO. I'M NOT AN IDIOT.
I TOOK A VIDEO.
-REALLY?
-NO, SICKO.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
MY LIFE HASN'T BEEN
ALL THAT INTERESTING.
UNTIL YOU.
WE'RE ALL TRAVELING
DOWN THIS LONELY ROAD
WE'RE ALL TUMBLING
IN THE TIDE
BUT I AM HERE
TO SIMPLY LET YOU KNOW
I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
-OH, NO, NO WAY.
- WE ALL HEAR THAT VOICE
INSIDE US
OH, NO! NO, WAY!
THE WIND THAT WHISPERS
IN THE NIGHT
[LAUGHING]
WHATEVER LIES DOWN
THIS LONG WINDING ROAD
I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
DO YOU KNOW WHERE
WE ARE?
IS THAT A TRICK
QUESTION?
NO, I'M BEING SERIOUS.
THIS PLACE
WE'RE AT RIGHT NOW,
THIS IS US.
THIS IS OUR PLACE, OKAY?
OKAY.
SO, I WISH I COULD
WRITE YOU A POEM,
BUT I CAN'T, SO,
HOW ABOUT A TOAST?
TO US, OUR NEW PLACE,
AND FINDING AN APARTMENT.
-CHEERS.
-CHEERS.
BE YOURSELF AND KEEP
YOUR HEART TRUE
I'LL BE RIGHT BY
YOUR SIDE
OH-OH-OH-OH
DON'T HAVE TO FACE
THIS WORLD ALONE
OH-OH-OH-OH
I'LL BE THE PLACE
THAT YOU CALL HOME
I'M GONNA DANCE
ON THE FOUNTAINS
AND THEN I'M GONNA
MOONWALK, YEAH!
HAVE YOU ALWAYS
BEEN LIKE THIS?
-ALWAYS UP?
-YEAH.
-YEAH?
-BECAUSE OF MY DAD.
ONE TIME I GOT MADE FUN
OF IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.
THESE GIRLS
THREW LOLLYPOPS
IN MY HAIR
AND CALLED ME UGLY.
AND I CAME HOME CRYING
AND MY DAD GRABBED ME
AND HE SAID TO ME,
KNOW MATTER WHAT ANYONE
SAYS OR DOES,
YOU'RE THE LUCKIEST GIRL
IN THE WORLD,
AND TODAY IS THE BES DAY OF YOUR LIFE.
AND IT KIND OF STUCK.
-I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
-THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU, TOO.
-VERY MUCH.
-GIVE ME A HUG.
LOOK HOW CUTE
THEY ARE. AWW.
I HATE CANTALOUPE.
ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
ABOUT MY MELONS?
GODDAMN IT, IF THERE'S
ONE THING I KNOW,
IT'S MY MELONS.
YOU LOVE CANTALOUPE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
THAT'S IT.
I'VE HAD IT.
NO MORE.
THE HECK WITH YOU.
LET'S PRETEND
WE'RE AN OLD COUPLE.
I'M FLORENCE
AND YOU'RE ELMER.
MAKING LOVE TO YOU, FLO.
OKAY.
MY HIP, IT'S MY HIP.
-IT'S OKAY.
-IT'S KEEPING ME
FROM DANCING
-AND MAKING LOVE.
-WE DON'T NEED YOUR HIP.
-OKAY.
-OKAY.
-WE CAN DO IT ANYWAY?
-COME HERE.
-READY, DAD?
-YEAH, I'M READY.
-READY?
-I'M READY.
-YOU AWAKE?
-I'M FINE. YOU JUST SERVE
THE DAMN THING.
ALL RIGHT, 27-2
GAME POINT.
WHOO! I GOT IT!
AH, ALL RIGHT!
-WE WON, SUNSHINE.
-THIS IS SO FUN, YEAH.
YEAH, GOOD JOB.
THE OBJECT, SO YOU KNOW,
IS TO SCORE MORE POINTS
THAN THE OTHER TEAM
AND THEN LET THEM WIN.
WHAT? SUCH AN IDIOT!
I THOUGHT THE POIN WAS TO HAVE FUN.
SO STUPID!
OH, GOD.
-OH.
-OH, MY GOD,
ARE YOU OKAY?
-YOU'VE BEEN SHOT.
-I'M DEAD.
[CHUCKLES]
DID I DO SOMETHING?
I FEEL LIKE YOUR DAD
DOESN'T LIKE ME.
NO, HE JUST IS SUPER
COMPETITIVE.
OH, JEFFY, COME IN.
-OH, YOU'RE HERE.
-HI, NANA.
-GOOD TO SEE YOU.
-OH, IT IS SO GOOD
TO SEE YOU SO HAPPY.
I MEAN, SHE IS ADORABLE.
WE WERE JUST TALKING
ABOUT HOW MUCH WE LOVE HER.
WHERE DID YOU MEET HER?
UH-- SHE JUS FOLLOWED ME HOME.
LATCHED ONTO MY BUMPER.
I DROVE HER FOR MILES.
OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.
LIKE A LITTLE PUPPY DOG
LOOKING FOR
A PLACE TO GO
AND A PLACE
TO BURY HER SOUL,
AND THERE'S MY JEFFY.
RIGHT INTO HIS ARMS.
SHE IS A KEEPER.
-I THINK SO, TOO.
-AWW.
-OH, THAT'S CUTE.
-YEAH, THAT ONE IS CUTE.
-I LIKE THAT.
-I CAN BRING MY BUNNIES.
PETS ALLOWED.
IT'S ON PICO. NEVER MIND.
WAKING UP NEX TO YOU EVERY MORNING
IS GOING TO BE SO...
-WEIRD, ISN'T IT?
-NO.
LIKE WEIRD
IN A GOOD DAY.
LIKE WEIRD
IN A GOOD WAY.
LIKE A BRAVE
NEW ADVENTURE WEIRD.
BUT EXCITING.
SWEETHEART,
YOU ARE READY
TO MOVE IN TOGETHER
-AREN'T YOU?
-YES, AMAZINGLY
HANDSOME MAN,
I'M READY.
JEFFY.
OH.
YOUR FATHER WANTS
A WORD WITH YOU.
IN THE YURT.
IS IT REALLY SO DIFFICUL TO FIND A GIRL
WHO IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE?
I MEAN, SHE'S NO RIGHT FOR YOU.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT SHE'S RIGHT FOR,
EXCEPT MAYBE
CLOWN SCHOOL.
SHE'S FRIVOLOUS.
YOU TOO ARE DRAMATICALLY
DIFFERENT.
OPPOSITES ATTRACT, DAD.
BIRDS OF A FEATHER
STICK TOGETHER.
YOU MARK MY WORDS.
SHE IS ENTIRELY
WRONG FOR YOU.
WHAT IF
SHE'S THE ONE, DAD?
WHAT IF I MARRY
THIS GIRL?
DO YOU WANT TO BE
RESPONSIBLE FOR TAINTING
OUR RELATIONSHIP?
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
WHAT I WANT IS FOR YOU
TO BE REALISTIC.
BE SERIOUS.
THE ONLY WAY
THIS COULD WORK
IS IF SHE GROWS UP.
AND YOU GOTTA ASK YOURSELF,
IS THAT EVER GONNA HAPPEN?
SHE IS TALKING
TO A STRAW RABBIT.
YOU HAD A FLY
ON YOUR EYE.
[CHUCKLES]
I GOT YOUR BACK.
LISTEN, I'M MAYBE
NOT READY
FOR THIS WHOLE
NESTING THING.
YEAH.
I KNEW YOU'D SEE
MY SIDE OF IT.
AH!
[PURRING]
YOU'RE HERE!
WHAT IS THIS?
I WANT ONE!
THAT IS A MAXI PLUNGE
SUPER PLUNGER.
IT'S TO UNCLOG PIPES.
OH, NOT GONNA NEED
NO BRAND MUFFINS
WITH THIS PUPPY
IN THE HOUSE.
-YEAH, I HOPE NOT.
-TELL ME THE TRUTH,
DOES THIS MAXI PLUNGE
SUPER PLUNGER
TURN YOU ON THE WAY
IT DOES ME?
I'LL THUMB WRESTLE
YOU FOR IT.
WHY AREN'T YOU PLAYING?
-COULD YOU DO
SOMETHING FOR ME?
-MM-HMM.
-COME HERE.
-MM-HMM.
COULD YOU DO SOMETHING?
CAN YOU BE COMPLETELY
SERIOUS FOR ME
FOR ONE MINUTE?
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A TEST.
I DON'T LIKE TESTS.
WELL, LIFE IS FULL
OF TESTS.
ONLY FOR THOSE WHO CHOOSE
TO TAKE THEM.
HEY, I'M SERIOUS.
YEAH, MAYBE IF IT'LL
UNCLOG YOUR PIPES.
HEY, PLEASE, FOR ME,
JUST ONE MINUTE.
-ALL RIGHT.
-OKAY?
WHEN DO I START?
BOOK ME IN COACH.
WHEN I TELL YOU, OKAY,
BUT FIRST GROUND RULES.
-OKAY.
-THERE'S NO SMILING.
-NO SNICKERING, NO MOCKING,
AND NO SILLY FACES.
GOT IT?
OKAY. SOUNDS LIKE
SERIOUS SHIT.
STARTING NOW.
YOU'RE SKATING
ON THIN ICE.
NO SMILING.
NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN,
-SIX, FIVE...
-[CRYING]
BABY, I'M SORRY.
HEY, CHLOE, I'M SORRY.
I JUST LOOKED AT YOUR FACE.
[LAUGHING]
-ALL RIGHT, YEAH,
THANKS, THANKS A LOT.
-BABY, COME ON.
WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU
TO BE SERIOUS?
BECAUSE YOU'RE
SERIOUS ENOUGH
FOR THE BOTH OF US.
NOW LET MOMMY
UNCLOG YOU.
WOULD YOU STOP?
[SIGHS]
LOOK WHAT I GOT.
PRETTY COOL, HUH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHAT'S WRONG?
-DO YOU LIKE IT?
-NOTHING. NOTHING.
IT'S JUST KINDA FREAKY
THAT ALL OF A SUDDEN
WE'RE BUYING HOME FURNISHINGS
-WITH EACH OTHER.
-OKAY, FORGET IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
THE LAMP, IT SUCKS.
I DON'T WANT IT.
NO, NO, I LOVE IT.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
NO, JUST FORGET IT.
BEFORE IT WAS JUST A LAMP,
BUT NOW IT'S THE
"WE'RE MOVING TOO FAST LAMP."
THIS WAS IT.
I WAS GONNA MOVE IN
WITH JEFF.
I WAS GONNA COHABITATE.
MAYBE IT WAS HAPPENING.
MAYBE I WAS STARTING
TO GROW UP.
-[LAUGHING]
-THIS IS SO EXCITING.
I HAD NO IDEA
CHLOE WAS A SINGER,
AND A MUSICIAN.
OH, SHE'S NOT REALLY.
IT'S A RATHER UNFORTUNATE
PHASE.
-OH, WELL.
-SHE'S VERY TALENTED.
-SHE JUST NEEDS
SOME SUPPORT.
-OH.
I SUPPORT HER.
[THINKING]
OH, MY GOD,
HE INVITED HIS PARENTS.
-YOU CAN DO THIS.
-[JEFF'S FATHER] YOU SHOULD
REALLY RECONSIDER
THIS WHOLE THING.
I MEAN IF SHE IS TALENTED,
THE MUSIC BUSINESS
-IS JUST BRUTAL.
-DAD, CAN YOU JUST LISTEN
AND NOT BE JUDGMENTAL,
PLEASE? THANK YOU.
[SIGHS]
YOU CAN DO THIS.
I CAN'T DO THIS,
I'M SORRY.
[WOMAN]
OH, POOR THING.
HEY, IT'S OKAY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY, I SHOULD HAVE
TOLD YOU I INVITED MY PARENTS.
IT'S OKAY.
I'M JUST STRESSED OUT.
HAVE A SEAT, SON.
THAT, UH, MULBERRY REPOR IS MISSING A CONSTRUCTION
ESTIMATE.
WHERE'S YOUR FLAG PIN?
I DON'T KNOW.
LOOK, IF YOU WANNA
BE A WINNER,
YOU GOTTA BEHAVE
LIKE A WINNER,
AND SURROUND YOURSELF
WITH WINNERS.
-DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
-YEAH.
GOD.
WHAT IS THIS?
THIS IS DISGUSTING.
THIS IS THE BEST THING
I'VE EVER SEEN.
IT'S LIKE GRASS.
WE COULD MAKE
CARPET ANGELS.
OH, LET'S DANCE.
LET'S-- LET'S PRETEND
WE'RE AT A DISCO,
AND-- AND YOU'RE LIKE
HITTING ON ME
WITH YOUR DANCE MOVES,
AND I'M LIKE DANCING
IN THE CORNER.
AND, UH-- WHY AREN' YOU DANCING?
I DON'T WANNA
LOOK STUPID.
THAT'S HALF THE FUN.
OH! I COULD PU MY GUITAR HERE.
AND THEN A PINBALL MACHINE
RIGHT AROUND HERE,
AND THEN, A-- YOU KNOW,
A CONGO SET COULD GO HERE,
AND THEN WE COULD GET A HORSE.
WE COULD TOTALLY GET A HORSE
AND IT WOULD FIT.
THIS IS AMAZING.
UM, BABE, I WAS THINKING
MAYBE THIS COULD BE
A SHARED OFFICE.
AND NOT EXCLUSIVELY
YOUR SHE-MAN CAVE BARN.
BUT, DEARIE, WHY WOULD
YOU WANT ANOTHER OFFICE?
YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE.
YOU WANT ONE IN YOUR HOME?
THAT'S KIND OF SAD
AND DEPRESSING.
NO, WELL, LOOK, I'M GONNA
PUT IN A LOT OF HOURS
AND PROBABLY WORK
FROM HOME, TOO, IF WE--
YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
IF I WANT TO BUY A HOUSE.
-A HOUSE?
-YEAH. YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU GROW UP,
-YOU WORK, AND YOU SAVE,
AND THEN YOU BUY A HOUSE.
-OH, MAN. OH, HEART.
OH, GEE.
YUP, OKAY, CALL 911.
-YEAH, I CALLED THEM.
-CLEAR.
-THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.
-[MOANS]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M-- FORGET IT.
WAIT, COME HERE.
COME HERE.
OKAY. TELL ME A SECRET.
TELL ME SOMETHING.
I DON'T HAVE ANY SEC--
YOU'RE CRAZY.
JUST TELL ME A SECRET.
SOMETHING YOU'VE NEVER
TOLD ANYBODY BEFORE.
-OKAY.
-WE ALL HAVE SECRETS.
-YEAH.
-WHAT'S YOURS?
[SIGHS]
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
PLEASE, FOR ME.
OKAY. I...
GINNY?
[SCREAMS]
WELL, I-- I REALLY
DON'T HAVE ANY.
I DON'T KNOW.
I CAN'T THINK OF ANY.
-I'M SORRY.
-OKAY. NO, IT'S OKAY.
NO WORRIES.
OH, HERE, YOU HOLD THIS
FOR A SECOND, WILL YOU?
YEAH.
OH! A SQUIRREL!
OH, SHOOT. SORRY.
-OH, MY GOD.
-THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
-I'M TOTALLY SORRY.
-THAT'S FINE.
WE'RE STILL GOING
TO THE HALLOWEEN PARTY?
YEAH, WHY WOULDN'T WE?
I MEAN, I KNOW YOU'RE NO CRAZY ABOUT COSTUMES.
NOT EVERYBODY LIKES TO PRETEND
TO BE SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT.
BUT IT'S FUN.
IT'S FUN TO PRETEND.
YEAH, OKAY, WELL,
JUST THAT-- EVER SINCE
WE'RE MOVING IN TOGETHER
YOU'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE
SOME PANICKING ANIMAL
DESPERATE FOR ESCAPE,
SO I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
THE LAMP IS NOT YOU.
IT'S NOT US. WE'RE FINE.
WE'RE TOTALLY FINE.
WE'RE JUST AS MUCH
IN LOVE NOW
AS WE WERE
WHEN WE FIRST MET.
I LIKE THE FIREWORKS.
EVERYTHING IS FINE.
I PROMISE.
YOU PROMISE?
-HEY, YOU GOT GREAT FORM.
-OH, THANK YOU.
-I SEE REAL POWER
IN YOUR LEGS.
-YEAH?
YEAH, SO, I TEACH
A POTTERY CLASS
ON WEDNESDAY NIGHTS
OFF OF CHICK-LIT ROAD.
-AND OF COURSE
I WOULDN'T CHARGE YOU--
-OH, THAT'S SO NICE.
IF YOU WANTED TO MAYBE TRADE,
YOU KNOW, WORKOUT TIPS
FOR YOUR LEGS FOR POTTERY,
I COULD REALLY TEACH YOU
HOW TO FORM YOUR OWN POT.
OKAY, GREAT, UM,
DO YOU HAVE A CARD?
EVERY SINGLE BREATH
WE TAKE IS A GIFT.
YOU SEEM SO PEACEFUL.
I AM.
I'M EXCEEDINGLY CONTENT.
HOW ARE YOU SO HAPPY?
WHY WOULD I CHOOSE
TO BE ANY OTHER WAY?
CHOOSE?
[SIGHS]
THAT'S SO COOL.
IT'S NICE
TO MEET YOU.
EVER SINCE YOU'VE BEEN
WITH THIS GIRL YOUR WORK
HAS SLACKED OFF.
I NEED THAT ANALYSIS
RETOOLED.
DAD, I CAN'T, ALL RIGHT?
I HAVE A PARTY TONIGHT,
-I PROMISED CHLOE
-YOU'RE NOT HEARING ME,
ALL RIGHT?
PLAY TO WIN, OR GO HOME.
NOW STEP IT UP.
AND HERE.
LAST FLAG PIN.
TRY NOT TO LOSE IT.
TRICK OR TREAT,
TRICK OR TREAT
FEELING KINDA CREEPY
NO, I'M NEVER GONNA SLEEP
TILL WE MAKE 'EM ALL SCREAM
HIT THE LIGHTS,
HIT THE LIGHTS
SEE THE LOOK
IN THEIR EYES
GONNA GIVE THEM
A FRIGHT
COUNTING DOWN
IN THE NIGHT
YOU KNOW
WE'RE OUT TO GET YOU
NO TELLING
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO
GET WILD UNDER
THE FULL MOON
YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH
WON'T BE WORSE
THAN A NIGHTMARE
EVEN THE MONSTERS
GET SCARED
YOU CAN ROLL WITH US,
IF YOU DARE
WE COME ALIVE,
LIVE, LIVE, LIVE
HEY, SORRY,
I'M RIDICULOUSLY LATE.
A BABY SEAL CLUBBING
ITSELF?
YOU'VE OUTDONE YOURSELF
THIS TIME.
YOUR COSTUME IS INCREDIBLY
DISTASTEFUL.
YOU PROMISED
YOU'D WEAR A COSTUME.
BABE, THIS IS MY COSTUME,
ALL RIGHT?
I'M A BUSINESSMAN.
I'M NOT JUST ANY
BUSINESSMAN, MY LOVE,
BUT A REPUBLICAN.
NOTE THE FLAG PIN?
YOU'RE COSTUME
IS SO STUPID.
NO ONE'S EVEN GONNA KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE.
-HEY, GUYS.
-NICE COSTUME.
THANKS FOR MAKING IT.
BABY SEAL AND--
OH, MY GOD, OH, MY--
YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN
BUSINESSMAN!
-OH, YEAH!
-YOU'RE SO GOOD.
-THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
-OH, MAN.
SHARP.
YOU LOOK HANDSOME.
YEAH.
DAPPER.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU TWO,
ON SHACKING UP.
SO EXCITED FOR YOU GUYS.
-YEAH.
-I FINISHED MY MBA
RECENTLY.
SO, WE'RE PROBABLY
GONNA FOLLOW SUIT.
SHE'S AWESOME,
ISN'T SHE, RIGHT?
I'M SO EXCITED
ABOUT IT.
OH, THANKS FOR BEING
SO INSPIRING.
WE'RE GONNA
GRAB A DRINK.
DID YOU UH-- CHECK OU THE APARTMENT ON 17TH?
-NOT YET.
-WHY ARE YOU STALLING?
OKAY, LISTEN,
I DON'T--
WHEN PEOPLE
MOVE IN TOGETHER,
THEY BECOME ALL SERIOUS,
AND I DON'T WANNA
BECOME SERIOUS.
I DON'T WANNA STAR WEARING MOM JEANS
AND BIRD SWEATERS.
DO YOU KNOW WHA YOUR PROBLEM IS?
IS YOU THINK EVERYTHING IN LIFE
IS SOME KINDA GIDDY JOKE,
SOME CARNIVAL RIDE.
YOU KNOW, IT WOULD HAVE
BEEN SWEET IF YOU COULD HAVE
AT LEAST WORN A COSTUME,
LIKE, SOMETHING FUNNY OR FUN.
YOU REMEMBER FUN, RIGHT?
LOOK, I HAD
A BAD DAY, OKAY?
THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU,
SO I SEE YOUR POINT.
WOW, WOW.
LISTEN TO MR. SNARKY,
A PERSON THAT'S ALL
LOVEY-DOVEY,
AND THEN ALL THOSE
LITTLE ADORABLE QUIRKS
TURN INTO
ANNOYING HABITS.
WHICH OF MY ADORABLE QUIRKS
DO YOU FIND ANNOYING?
NOTHING. COME ON,
LET'S DANCE, ELMER.
NO, GO AHEAD.
CAREFUL WITH YOUR HIP,
CHLOE.
FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN
RELEASED INTO FREEDOM
HEY, COOL COSTUME.
LOVE IT.
AH!
OH! OH!
[LAUGHING]
RAISE THE ROOF.
GOOD.
WHO DO YOU KNOW HERE?
OH, KELLY.
I'M GONNA NEED A DRINK.
WHAT?
[LAUGHING]
OKAY.
FEEL IT.
FEELING IT.
YOU'RE AWESOME.
BYE.
GOD, I HATE MIMES.
ABOUT THOSE NO SO ADORABLE QUIRKS
MY SNARKY, LOVE--
HEY, NINE OUT OF TEN PEOPLE
HATE MIMES. FACT.
THE WAY YOU SAY,
"OH, GOD. OH, GOD. OH, GOD."
IT'S LIKE I'M HAVING SEX
WITH FATHER MULDOON.
AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
YOU HAVE CHICKEN FEET.
-WHAT?
-YOU HAVE CHICKEN FEET.
YOUR FEET LOOK
LIKE CHICKENS FEET.
REALLY? OKAY.
WELL, YOU SKIP ONE
DAY WITH YOUR RAZOR,
AND SUDDENLY I'M IN BED
WITH CHEWBACCA.
AND I WISH YOUR LIPS
WERE BIGGER.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
MY DAD WAS RIGHT,
-YOU DO NEED
TO GO TO CLOWN SCHOOL.
-THERE'S A CLOWN SCHOOL?
WELL, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
GROW UP, ARE YOU?
NOT IF I CAN HELP IT.
YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN
TOGETHER FOR A WHILE
AND WE DON'T TALK.
WE DON'T ACTUALLY
REALLY TALK.
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE
I DON'T KNOW YOU AT ALL.
MAYBE WE'RE JUST NOT AT ALL
THAT COMPATIBLE.
MAYBE THERE'S NO MAYBE.
SOMETIMES I DON' EVEN KNOW IF I SEE
A VIABLE FUTURE WITH YOU.
I MEAN, YOU WORK IN
A TOY STORE, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I HAPPEN TO LOVE WORKING
IN THAT TOY STORE.
-CAN WE REWIND?
-THANK YOU.
-THANK YOU SO MUCH.
-I'M SORRY.
NO, NO, THIS IS GREAT.
HONESTLY,
THANK YOU FOR THAT.
THAT WAS REALLY--
THIS ISN'T--
THIS ISN'T WORKING.
THIS US THING
IS NOT WORKING.
NO, I GUESS NOT.
WE SOUND LIKE
TWO PEOPLE WHO AREN' GONNA MOVE IN TOGETHER.
I DISAGREE.
-YOU DO?
-YEAH.
I THINK WE SOUND
LIKE TWO PEOPLE WHO
ARE BREAKING UP.
THIS IS IT.
OH, SO THAT'S HOW
IT'S GOING DOWN?
I GUESS.
JEFF, WAIT.
CAN I HAVE MY MEMORY
FOAM PILLOW?
YEAH.
HERE'S YOUR MEMORY
FOAM PILLOW.
IT REMEMBERS EVERYTHING.
OH, GOD. OH, GOD.
OH, GOD.
SPEAKING WHICH, HERE'S
YOUR JESUS ACTION FIGURE,
YOUR BABY BOW,
YOUR BABY TOOTHBRUSH,
OH, YEAH, AND THIS.
-[TOY SQUEAKS]
-BABALU?
BUT I GAVE
THESE THINGS TO YOU.
I DON'T WAN YOUR SILLY TOYS.
YOU USED TO LIKE
MY SILLY TOYS.
YOU SAID
I WAS RIDICULICIOUS.
MAYBE I'VE HAD ENOUGH
RIDICULOUSITY.
HERE I AM
RIGHT HERE BEFORE YOU
EXPLAINING IT TO YOU
AND IT ALL COMES OU THE WRONG WAY
HERE I AM
LYING BESIDE YOU
I'M DYING INSIDE
AND IT ALL COMES OU THE WRONG WAY
COMES OU CAN DRY MY EYES,
STOP FOOLING
DRY MY EYES
AND LET IT GO
DRY MY EYES,
STOP CALLING
BUT I WILL NEVER KNOW
WHY YOU HAD TO GO
IT'S NO SURPRISE
WE WERE JUST RECKLESS
NOW YOU'RE HAUNTING
MY HEART
'CAUSE IT ALL TURNED OU THE WRONG WAY
THE ROOM'S ALIVE
WITH THE MEMORY
OF VOICES
HAD A GHOS OF A CHANCE
BUT IT ALL TURNED OU THE WRONG WAY
-CHANGED YOUR MIND
ABOUT BREAKUP SEX?
-COULD YOU JUST NOT.
COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK
ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN SEX
-FOR THE NEXT 10 SECONDS?
-SURE, I'M DOING IT NOW.
OKAY, WHAT WERE YOU
THINKING ABOU -INSTEAD OF SEX?
-BUFFALO WINGS.
BUFFALO WINGS?
REALLY, JEFF?
COME ON, CHLOE,
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
YOU KNOW
THE THREE MAJOR HOLIDAYS
ARE BEARING DOWN ON US.
THANKSGIVING,
CHRISTMAS,
NEW YEAR'S.
BREAKING UP
IS TOTALLY GONNA SUCK.
YEAH. IT'S GONNA
BE REALLY AWKWARD.
I DON'T WANNA GO THROUGH
THE WHOLE HOLIDAY SEASON
AS A VICTIM.
THIS REALLY SUCKS.
I DON'T WANNA GO THROUGH
ALL THAT PITY.
OH, YOU POOR THING.
ARE YOU OKAY?
"THAT IS SO SAD
THAT YOU GUYS BROKE UP.
I NEVER THOUGHT THAT."
I DON'T WANNA GO
THROUGH THAT.
IT'S MY FAVORITE
TIME OF YEAR.
WELL, NOTHING
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
YEAH, I GUESS NOT.
-[PHONE RINGS]
-HEY, WHAT'S UP?
YEAH, YOU FORGO TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.
WE CAN'T KEEP
DOING THIS.
-YEAH, I KNOW.
-GOOD NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT,
GOOD NIGHT.
HONEY, YOU DON' HAVE TO SUCCUMB
TO ALL THA ROMANTIC BULLSHI SOCIETY THROWS AT YOU.
ROMANCE, LOVE, MARRIAGE.
IT'S ALL A MYTH.
DOES YOUR HUSBAND KNOW
YOU FEEL THAT WAY?
OH, THE RING?
25 YEARS AGO,
I GOT MARRIED TO MYSELF.
I NEVER HAD A HUSBAND.
I DON'T WANT ONE.
I DON'T NEED ONE.
I'M TOTALLY FULFILLED.
AND PERFECTLY HAPPY
BEING SINGLE.
-YOU ARE?
-YES, VERY.
WHERE DO YOU
FIND THE LOVE?
IT'S ALL AROUND YOU IF YOU
JUST OPEN YOURSELF UP TO IT.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME
TO MY HOUSE AND HAVE A CUP
OF TEA TOMORROW?
I WOULD LOVE THAT.
SO, WELCOME
TO MY NIRVANA.
JOINING US FOR TEA
WE'VE GOT BUTTONS,
AND THEN WE HAVE
ORLANDO AND NOODLES,
AND OVER THERE
WITH THE CROOKED TAIL
IS JO-JO.
ELEQUINN, HE'S ABOU TO BE JOINING US FOR TEA,
AND THAT'S, OF COURSE,
TOTALLY APPROPRIATE.
HOW'S JEFF?
HE IS SO HANDSOME.
HAS A GOOD JOB.
YOU KNOW, I WAS
TALKING TO HIS MOM.
SHE SAID HE IS
VERY RESPONSIBLE.
JUST WHAT YOU NEED--
GROUNDED.
-WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?
-MOM.
DON'T YOU DARE
LET HIM GET AWAY.
UH, DO YOU THINK
THIS BIRD IS BIG ENOUGH?
UH-- SURE.
-UH, JEFF, UM, UH--
-OKAY, I DON'T WAN TO ALARM YOU
BUT YOUR FATHER AND I
ARE IN COUNSELING.
THE THERAPIST ASKED US
WHAT STRENGTHS HOLD OUR
MARRIAGE TOGETHER,
AND WE JUST SAT THERE
LIKE THOSE BIG
EASTER ISLAND HEADS
SAYING NOTHING.
WE COULDN' THINK OF ANYTHING.
YOU AND DAD
ARE IN THERAPY?
AND WHEN WE'RE IN CRISIS,
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO FIND
SAFE PLACES TO RETREAT TO.
SO, WE GET INTO A FIGHT,
I COME INTO THE KITCHEN,
YOUR FATHER GOES
IN THE BATHROOM.
HE WAS IN THERE
FOR TWO DAYS.
THEN HE ROSE
LIKE LAZARUS,
AND CLAIMED TO HAVE
A GRAND EPIPHANY
AND HE WON'T TELL ME
WHAT IT IS.
AND HOW IS JEFF?
-HE'S, WELL, HE'S--
-BUTTERNUT SQUASH.
FORGOT THE BUTTERNUT SQUASH.
MOVE IT.
WHEN I SEE
THAT LOVELY GIRL,
CHELSEA--
-CHLOE, NANA.
-WHEN I SEE THA LOVELY GIRL, CHELSEA
AND YOU TOGETHER,
OH, WELL,
IT'S THE BEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.
AND I SEE THE BOTH
OF YOU SO HAPPY
AND I REALIZE
IT'S OKAY NOW,
I CAN DIE IN PEACE.
OH, REMEMBER,
WHEN THE HEART SPEAKS,
LOVE LISTENS.
HERE, ONE IS FOR YOU
AND ONE IS FOR CHELSEA.
OH, I'M SO HAPPY
FOR YOU.
OH, IF I COULD JUS LIE DOWN RIGHT NOW
AND DIE,
BUT I WON'T.
I WANNA SEE YOU TWO
TOGETHER FOREVER.
-CHLOE! HI.
-CHLOE.
-KELLY.
-HI.
-BRIAN, HEY.
-HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
IT'S SO NICE
TO SEE YOU.
YEAH, IS THAT A RING?
IS THAT NEW?
OH, YEAH.
BRIAN GOT PROMOTED.
-REGIONAL MANAGER.
-YES!
-NO BIG DEAL.
-NO, IT IS.
IT'S A HUGE DEAL. IT'S HUGE.
-IT'S A HUGE DEAL.
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE
TO DO WITH--
WHERE'S JEFF?
JEFF?
OH, MY GOD,
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
JEFF AND I ARE FINE.
EVERYTHING'S GREAT.
-OH, GOD.
-HONEY, YOU'RE SHAKING.
NO, I KNOW, I JUST--
MY HEART STOPPED.
YOU GUYS ARE JUST SUCH
AN ADORABLE COUPLE
THAT I--
IF ANYTHING HAPPENED
I WOULD BE DEVASTATED.
BUT WE'RE FINE.
SO, WE'LL SEE YOU WHEN?
THANKSGIVING.
-WE'LL SEE YOU SOON.
YEAH, YEAH, YOU'LL SEE ME
AT THANKSGIVING.
-ALL RIGHT.
-AWESOME.
ALL RIGHT.
GOBBLE GOBBLE.
YEAH.
TAKE CARE.
JUST RAN INTO KELLY
AND BRIAN.
BRIAN GOT HER A RING.
APPARENTLY THEY CAN
AFFORD IT NOW.
"WHERE'S JEFF," SHE ASKED.
SHE LITERALLY SAID,
"OH, MY GOD" TWICE.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
THE LOOK OF TERROR
IN HER EYES.
WELL, COUPLES DON'T LIKE I WHEN FRIENDS BREAK UP.
IT'S AN ATTACK
ON THE STATUS QUO.
THEY IMMEDIATELY STAR QUESTIONING THEY'RE OWN CHOICES.
"WHERE'S JEFF?"
THEY COULDN' FATHOM THE FAC THAT WE WEREN'T ATTACHED
AT THE HIP.
I DON'T THINK
I CAN DO THIS.
I'LL NEVER MAKE I THROUGH THANKSGIVING.
YEAH, NOT TO MENTION BOTH
OUR PARENTS ARE EXPECTING US
TO SHOW FACE.
I DON'T WANT TO BE
THE SAD-EYED PATHETIC
SINGLE GIRL.
OH, YEAH. HERE.
IT'S FROM NANA.
-SHE REALLY LIKES YOU.
-I REALLY LIKE HER, TOO.
THIS MAKES ME CRAZY.
I'M GOING SUICIDAL HERE
JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS.
WE SHOULD HAVE WAITED
UNTIL AFTER THE HOLIDAYS.
-WHO HAVE YOU TOLD?
-NO ONE. YOU?
NOBODY.
NOT YET.
WHAT IF WE JUST WEN TO THANKSGIVING
AS A COUPLE AND PRETENDED
WE DIDN'T BREAK UP?
YOU KNOW, I'M IMPRESSED.
WHAT AN INCREDIBLY DUMB IDEA.
NO, THAT SOUNDS
PROBLEMATIC AND AWKWARD,
NOT TO MENTION
EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL.
-REALLY?
MORE AWKWARD--
-YES.
THAN STAYING HOME ALONE
OR GOING OU AND SUFFERING THROUGH
THE PITY PARTIES?
BEING CONSTANTLY
CONSOLED AND CODDLED
OVER OUR TRAGIC LOSS?
OKAY, SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
IS WE STAY TOGETHER
EVEN THOUGH WE'RE BROKEN UP
IN ORDER TO AVOID
THE BITTER ANGUISH
OF SOLITUDE,
OR ALL THE WELL-MEANING,
BUT SOUL CRUSHING SYMPATHY?
WE CAN DO IT.
MAKE IT FUN.
FOR YOU.
SO I ASSUME I'LL HAVE
TO PUT UP WITH HOURS
OF YOUR CHILDISH
ERRATIC BEHAVIOR?
AS I WILL HAVE TO SMILE
DELIGHTFULLY AS YOU CONTINUE
YOUR PESSIMISTIC
MARCH INTO MIDDLE AGE.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
NO SLIPS OF THE TONGUE.
NO INAPPROPRIATE
TOURETTE'S BLURTING.
BLURTING IS
HENCEFORTH BANISHED.
-DEAL?
-DEAL.
-SEAL IT WITH BREAKUP SEX?
-NO.
-COME ON.
-NOT. NEIN.
WE GOTTA SEAL THE DEAL.
CAPTAIN WINKIE'S GONNA
HAVE TO FIND A NEW OUTLET.
HAVE YOU TRIED
A LAMP SOCKET?
CAN WE AT LEAST HUG?
COME HERE.
BRING IT IN.
OH, YEAH.
-HEY.
-HEY.
WHOA,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS GOING
FOR THE CHEEK.
-OKAY, TAKE THE CHEEK.
-WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?
IT WAS AMAZING.
CAN WE GO IN NOW?
YEAH, YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT WAS LATE, AGAIN,
-AS USUAL, SUNSHINE.
-OKAY, FOR THE RECORD,
AND THIS GOES ON YOUR
PERMANENT RECORD,
BY THE WAY,
YOU'RE TOO PUNCTUAL.
IT COMES OFF STODGY
AND DESPERATE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUS GO IN WITHOUT ME?
WELL, 'CAUSE I DIDN' WANT TO GO IN ALONE.
I THOUGHT MAYBE
WE SHOULD GO IN TOGETHER,
-YOU KNOW, AS A COUPLE.
-RIGHT.
NOT JUST ANY COUPLE,
BUT THE PERFECT COUPLE
THAT'S MADLY IN LOVE.
OKAY. OH, THE OLD SPICE
IS DRIVING ME WILD.
-MOM!
-WELL, HI, SWEETIE.
YOU REMEMBER TERRIFICALLY
HANDSOME, WONDERFUL JEFF.
OH, OF COURSE I DO.
I'M NOT GOING TO FORGE THE MAN YOU'RE LIVING WITH.
BY THE WAY, SWEETIE,
WHEN IS THAT HOUSE WARMING?
UH, SOON-ISH,
-YOU KNOW, WE'RE STILL--
-ISH?
-YEAH, YEAH, I MEAN.
-WORK ON THE ISH.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY.
-HEY. HEY, THANKS.
-WELCOME.
HEY, GUY,
WELCOME TO THE FAMILY.
-YOU WANT A DRINK?
-UH, YEAH, SURE.
-WELL, I'LL GET YOU ONE.
-YEAH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
-IT'S NICE TO BE WELCOMED.
-WHAT'S UP GUYS?
-HEY.
-TAKING THE BIG
STEP, HUH?
MOVING IN
WITH ONE ANOTHER?
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS
LIVING WITH THE BUDDHISTS
IN ARIZONA,
RANDY, COULD YOU, SWEETIE,
COULD YOU PLEASE GO CHECK
ON CONNOR?
-YEAH, SURE.
-THANK YOU.
-HI, KIDDIES..
-HI.
NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTAN THAN FAMILY.
AND I-- I AM
JUST SO THANKFUL
THAT CHLOE AND JEFF
HAVE FOUND EACH OTHER,
AND I HOPE AND I PRAY
THAT THEIR LOVING
RELATIONSHIP
CONTINUES TO BLOSSOM AND--
THERE'S FRUIT IN THE FORM
OF A GRANDCHILD.
OH, GOD, MOM.
-CHEERS.
-ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
LET'S DRINK TO THAT.
ARE YOU WORRIED
ABOUT STRETCH MARKS?
DON'T BE WORRIED
ABOUT THEM.
I HEARD THAT YOU TWO
MOVED IN TOGETHER?
-YEAH.
-YEAH, WE DID.
AND I'M NOTICING
ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL
LITTLE QUIRKS ABOUT HIM.
HE SNORES LIKE
A BABY GOAT.
AND WHO KNEW
HE WAS A BED WETTER.
-BUT THAT'S LOVE, RIGHT?
-IT SURE IS.
SO WHERE IS
THIS LOVE NEST?
ON PICO.
PICO? AND WHERE ON PICO?
IT'S ON PICO AND CLAM.
I DON'T-- WHERE'S--
WHERE IS THAT?
IT'S-- I MEAN, IT'S ON PICO.
DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
KELLY, IT'S THERE.
SO HOW'S IT GOIN'?
I MEAN, ARE YOU--
ARE YOU GUYS STILL HO FOR EACH OTHER?
YES, OH, MY GOD.
WE ARE SO HOT.
I MEAN, WE ARE
LIKE ANIMALS.
LIKE, WOW.
SHE IS AN ANIMAL.
I MEAN, I CAN' KEEP HER OFF ME.
I'M LIKE ENOUGH ALREADY.
I'M LIKE HURTING IT.
I COULD USE ANOTHER
GLASS OF WHITE WINE.
JEFF?
CUT THE BULLSHIT.
SERIOUSLY.
-GIRL TO GIRL.
-OH, GIRL TO GIRL.
WELL, IF WE'RE DOING
GIRL TO GIRL
THEN I SWEAR
ON MY SACRED CHA-CHA
THAT JEFF AND I
ARE SOUL MATES.
WHEN HE'S NOT AROUND,
I'M A TRAIN WRECK.
OKAY, COME ON.
I'M NOT DUMB.
I'VE GOT BRAINS
AND INTUITION.
-HERE YOU GO.
-THANKS, JEFFY.
YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
JEFFY?
WAS SHE FLIRTING WITH YOU?
ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO HER?
NO. NO. KELLY?
[CHUCKLES]
THAT'S-- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
SHE DOES HAVE AN APPEAL
IN A HOEY SORT OF WAY.
MEN LIKE THAT, DON'T THEY?
THEY LIKE HOS.
NO, MEN DON'T LIKE HOS.
THEY LOVE HOS.
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
-WHAT DO YOU MEAN
WHAT AM I DOING?
-YOU CAN LET GO NOW.
-NO, HEY, WHAT IF SOMEONE
GETS SUSPICIOUS?
NO ONE'S GONNA-- JUST GET--
YOU'RE SO ANNOYING.
JUST LET ME HOLD YOU. HEY.
-DID YOU SHAVE YOUR LEGS?
-DID YOU SMELL ME?
NOPE, NOPE.
I DID NOT SHAVE MY LEGS.
I'M GOING FULL MAMMAL.
JANE GOODALL'S
FOLLOWING ME.
-YES, THAT'S SO HOT.
-YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
IF YOU DON'T LET-- FINE--
SOMETIMES IT DOES GE A LITTLE OLD THOUGH.
LIKE I WISH THAT RANDY
WOULD ACTUALLY TAKE ON
A LOVER
SO HE WOULD QUIT BOTHERING ME
TO TAKE CARE OF HIS NEEDS.
THE ONLY TIME MANDY AND I
HAVE SEX IN THE SAME ROOM
IS WHEN SHE WALKS IN
ON ME MASTURBATING.
AND SHE USED TO WEAR
THESE PANTIES, YOU KNOW,
LIKE A NICE THONG.
BUT NOW IT'S JUS THESE GIANT--
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
ALMOST LIKE A-- LIKE--
LIKE A PARACHUTE--
LIKE A PARACHUTE
KIND OF THING, YOU KNOW.
LOOKS LIKE SHE'S IN
A BREAK DANCING MOVIE.
YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE
A REAL HORNY ORANGUTAN
ALL THE TIME.
WOW, HOW OFTEN
ARE YOU GUYS--
-AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH.
-IT'S SO EXHAUSTING.
-THAT'S NOT THAT MUCH.
-THAT IS A LOT.
AND I HAVE THESE FANTASIES.
WELL, THAT'S NORMAL.
I MEAN, WHO DOESN' LIKE A GOOD FANTASY?
I GO IN THE KITCHEN
AND I GRAB A CAST IRON SKILLE AND I-- I HIT HER
OVER THE HEAD WITH IT.
YEAH. AND THEN I STAND
ABOVE THE BODY--
AND SHE'S NOT DEAD,
BUT I STAND ABOVE
THE BODY--
AND I BASK
IN THE SILENCE.
[MANDY]
RANDY!
[BABY WHIMPERING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GONNA GO
PICK UP HER.
NO, LET HER CRY.
THEY NEED TO CRY
THEMSELVES OUT.
YOU NEVER LE CHLOE CRY,
NOW IMAGINE IF YOU HAD
SHE'S BE DIFFERENT.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY.
-[BABY CRYING]
-IT'S OKAY. SHH.
DON'T LISTEN
TO FRAULEIN HITLER.
GRANDPA'S HERE,
OKAY, BABY?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
SAME THING THAT'S BEEN
GOING ON FOR 25 YEARS.
YOUR FATHER AND I
JUST HAVE VERY DIFFEREN CONCEPTS OF CHILD REARING.
I KNOW.
REMEMBER THE TIME
YOU TOOK AWAY ALL MY TOYS?
OH, FOR GOD SAKES, CHLOE,
DON'T START ON ME TODAY.
I WAS SIX.
YOU YELLED AT ME AND TOLD ME
TO CLEAN UP MY ROOM.
I DID, BUT THE TOYS WANTED
TO STAY OUT AND PLAY.
SO EVEN THOUGH I PUT THEM
BACK IN THE TOY BOX,
THEY WOULDN'T STAY IN.
THEY CAME OU ALL BY THEMSELVES
TO PLAY.
NOW I REMEMBER, YOU MADE UP
THAT RIDICULOUS STORY
AND YOU WOULDN' LET IT GO.
I WANTED YOU TO BELIEVE,
AND YOU WOULDN'T.
HONEY, TOYS DON' CLIMB OU OF A TOY BOX
BY THEMSELVES,
FOR GOD SAKES.
-I COULDN'T BELIEVE YOU.
-I DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO BELIEVE ME,
I WANTED YOU
TO BELIEVE WITH ME.
I THOUGHT THAT IF
YOU COULD DO THAT,
THEN SO MANY OTHER THINGS
COULD BE POSSIBLE.
BUT YOU WOULDN' EVEN JUST PRETEND.
YOU JUST TOOK AWAY MY TOYS.
-JUST FOR ONE DAY.
YOU NEEDED TO LEARN.
-OR MAYBE YOU DID.
WHAT WAS DAD'S
BATHROOM EPIPHANY?
SHE'S SLEEPING NOW.
YOU KNOW, AMAZING THINGS
CAN HAPPEN TO YOU
IN THE BATHROOM.
LET ME TELL YOU, PRINCESS,
I REMEMBERED SPINNING
YET ANOTHER FANTASTIC YARN
ABOUT INNOCENCE
OF YET ANOTHER ONE
OF MY GUILTY REPREHENSIVE,
UNREMORSEFUL CLIENTS,
AND I SPUN THIS WILD
FABRICATION.
AND IT OCCURRED TO ME
THAT I HAVE BEEN DOING
THIS FOR YEARS.
CREATING ALTERNATE
REALITIES.
AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
WHY CAN'T I DO THA FOR MY OWN LIFE?
LET'S JUST CUT TO THE CHASE
AND CONFESS TO YOUR DAUGHTER
THAT YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND--
WITHOUT CONSULTING ME.
YOUR FATHER HAS
THIS ALTER EGO, LARRY,
THAT YOU DON' NEED A "LAWYER" LAWYER.
-HE'S SHOOTING THESE
UTTERLY USELESS VIDEOS.
-TOTALLY USEFUL.
SO USELESS THERE
ARE NO WORDS,
AND HE'S POSTING THEM
ON YOUTUBE.
PEOPLE SPEND THEIR HARD-EARNED
MONEY ON ATTORNEYS.
-IT'S A DISGRACE.
-NOBODY SEES THESE.
MAYBE A FEW HUNDRED PEOPLE.
IT'S PATHETIC.
OH, VISIONARIES ARE RARELY
RECOGNIZED IN THEIR OWN TIME.
MOM, IF IT MAKES HIM HAPPY.
HE'S IGNORING HIS PRACTICE.
HE DOES NOTHING BUT SHOO THESE INANE VIDEOS.
ESSENTIALLY,
HE'S TRYING TO PUT HIMSELF
OUT OF BUSINESS.
SHE'S EXAGGERATING.
IT WAS ALWAYS HER SECOND
BEST ORAL TALENT.
OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.
I GUESS A TAKE AWAY
FROM ALL THIS, CHLOE,
IS YOU DON'T LET THINGS
BUILD UP BETWEEN
YOU AND JEFF.
BE HONEST.
LET YOUR FEELINGS OUT.
I REALLY LIKE JEFF.
-I THINK HE'S GREAT.
-HMM.
-YOU GOT THOSE PIES
FROM GLEASON'S, RIGHT?
-YES.
THEY HAVE TO BE
FROM GLEASON'S.
HE'S CRAZY
ABOUT THE PUMPKIN PIE.
THE PROBLEM IS YOU'RE
NOT LISTENING TO ME.
NO, THE PROBLEM IS THA EVERYTHING YOU SAY
IS TOTAL BULLSHIT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHY ARE YOU SO SO SNEAKY.
ARE WE VISITING
OR ROBBING THIS PLACE?
NO, NO, WE'LL GO
IN THE BACK,
WE WON'T HAVE TO MAKE
SOME BIG PHONY ENTRANCE.
[MAN] WE'RE JUS HAVING A CONVERSATION.
WHY ARE YOU OVERREACTING?
[WOMAN]
I NEVER THOUGH I'D HEAR THOSE WORDS
-COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
-YOU'RE MISINTERPRETING
MY INTENTIONS.
NO, YOU'VE MADE YOURSELF
VERY CLEAR.
YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME
AND IT'S WORKING.
I THINK I'M HAVING
AN ANEURISM.
-WHAT DO WE DO?
-I DON'T KNOW.
-OKAY.
-NO, WE'LL GO THIS WAY.
THEY MIGHT SEE US.
HI, MAMA.
-JEFFY!
-HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
OH, HONEY, THANK YOU.
CHLOE.
OH, YOU LOOK SO PRETTY.
THANK YOU, SO DO YOU.
YOU HAVE A VERY
HEALTHY GLOW.
OH, SWEET. GLEASON'S.
-ARE THOSE PUMPKIN PIES?
-MAYBE.
OH, I'M GONNA GO
TAKE THEM OVER HERE.
SO HOW DO YOU TWO LOVE BIRDS
LIKE NESTING TOGETHER?
OH, THE NOVELTY WEARS OFF
AND THEY START TO GE ON YOUR NERVES.
OH, SHE'S NOT GETTING
ON MY NERVES.
IN FACT, SHE'S GONE
SO MUCH OF THE TIME,
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
SHE'S THERE.
-I REALLY MISS HER.
-OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.
YOU KNOW,
YOUR GRANDFATHER,
BERNHARD AND I,
USED TO BE LIKE THAT.
UNTIL HE MET THA GUATEMALAN WHORE
AND MOVED TO NEW YORK.
AND THEN, WELL,
HAD A HEART ATTACK,
LIKE HE SHOULD.
-WHAT?
-YES.
WHO WANTS GLEASON'S
PUMPKIN PIE?
OVER HERE.
BRING IT ON.
-FROM GLEASON'S.
-OH, I LOVE THAT STORE.
-FRESH.
-OH, LOOK AT THAT.
GIVE ME
THE WHIPPED CREAM.
THANKS.
YEAH, THERE WE GO.
I KNEW IT.
THESE PIES AREN' FROM GLEASON'S.
THEY'RE FROM
DOLLAR BARN.
[SIGHS]
YOU FORGED PIES?
YOU ACTUALLY BROUGH COUNTERFEI -GLEASON PUMPKIN PIES?
-DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
THEY CHARGE
-FOR THOSE STUPID
GLEASON'S PIES?
-YES.
I LOST MY JOB.
WHAT?
LIKE, HOW?
I'D RATHER NOT SAY.
WELL, I'D RATHER YOU
NOT NOT SAY.
I'D RATHER YOU SAY SAY.
OKAY. YOU KNOW FRANK?
YEAH, THE OLD GUY
WHO WORKS IN THE STOCK ROOM?
YEAH, WELL, MY MANAGER
TOOK HER LUNCH BREAK
AND HE DECIDED TO LAY DOWN,
AND, YOU KNOW,
HE WORKS TWO JOBS,
AND HE FELL ASLEEP.
AND?
AND HE LOOKED COLD
SO I LET HIM SLEEP
AND I PUT A BLANKE OVER HIM.
SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
-VIDEO SURVEILLANCE.
-OH.
BIG SISTER
WAS WATCHING.
-OH, WOW.
THAT SUCKS.
-YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO NOW?
THEY TOOK AWAY
ALL OF YOUR TOYS?
I BET YOU HATED
BEING A KID.
I LOVED BEING A KID.
UNTIL MY 12TH BIRTHDAY.
AFTER I BLEW OUT MY CANDLES
MY DAD TOOK ME OUTSIDE
FOR THE TALK.
BIRDS AND THE BEES TALK?
NO. THE REAL LIFE TALK.
YOU KNOW, JEFF, REAL LIFE
ISN'T LIKE BIRTHDAY PARTIES
WHERE PEOPLE
BUY YOU SHI FOR FREE AND LOVE YOU.
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT, SON.
WHEN YOU GROW UP
YOU GOTTA WORK YOUR ASS OFF.
BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE
SAY ABOUT WOMEN'S LIB,
YOU'LL BE EXPECTED
TO BE THE BREADWINNER.
ANYWAY.
HEAVY BIRTHDAYS.
THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE.
YEAH.
I DUNNO.
I GUESS I JUST--
I KINDA STOPPED
BEING A KID
A LITTLE BIT EVERY YEAR
AFTER THAT.
JEFF, WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME ANY OF THIS
WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER?
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS, IT'S JUS SO PERSONAL, YOU KNOW?
RIGHT. BECAUSE YOU DON' WANT TO GET TOO PERSONAL
WITH THE WOMAN
YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH.
[HUFFS]
CHELSEA,
YOU DO LOVE HIM
DON'T YOU?
I KNOW YOU'RE LIVING
WITH THIS GIRL
AND YOU'RE FOND OF HER,
BUT IN THE LONG RUN,
YOU WANT TO MERGE
WITH SOMEBODY WHO MAKES BANK.
IS THAT WHAT YOU AND MOM
WERE FIGHTING ABOUT?
YOU KNOW, DAD, FORGET IT.
YOU WOULDN'T TELL ME EVEN
IF YOU WERE.
I KNOW THAT YOU WILL BE
TAKING CARE OF MY JEFFREY
-BECAUSE HE NEEDS
TO BE TAKEN CARE OF.
-YEAH, HE DOES.
OH, BOY, AND YOU KNOW
ABOUT MEN.
WELL, YOU MIGHT NO KNOW ABOUT MEN,
-BUT THEY HAVE VERY,
VERY COLORFUL NEEDS.
-YEAH.
A LOT OF WANTS,
A LOT OF DESIRES.
-YEAH.
-ARE YOU WITH ME?
AND SERIOUSLY,
IT TAKES TWO PAYCHECKS
TO CREATE A DECENT CASH FLOW
IN TODAY'S ECONOMY.
WHEN ARE PEOPLE
GOING TO STOP STAYING
IN TODAY'S ECONOMY?
AT THE END OF THE DAY,
YOU DON'T WANNA BE
WITH SOMEBODY
WHO IS A DRAG
ON YOUR BOTTOM LINE.
GOD, FORBID, DAD.
-YOU'RE SO RIGH FOR EACH OTHER.
-YEAH.
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE
A PART OF THIS FAMILY.
I'M GONNA GO HELP MOM
IN THE KITCHEN.
HI MOM.
CAN I HELP YOU
WITH SOMETHING?
-OH, DEAR.
-WHAT'S THE MATTER?
NOTHING.
OH, THE HELL WITH IT.
YOUR FATHER WANTS
AN OPEN MARRIAGE.
OH, GEES.
MA, HE'S AN IDIOT.
ALL RIGHT, YOU POOR THING.
-ARE YOU OKAY?
-YEAH.
OH, DON'T TELL HIM
I SAID ANYTHING.
IT'LL ONLY
EXACERBATE THIS.
IT'S OKAY.
I KNOW A TERRIFIC THERAPIST.
YOU DO?
NO, BUT I THOUGH I SHOULD AT LEAST OFFER.
OH, JEFFY, JEFFY,
THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOU.
IT'S-- IT'S EVERYTHING
TO DO WITH US, SO YOU--
YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
SOMETIMES THINGS LIKE THIS,
THEY JUST WORK THEMSELVES OUT.
WELL, THAT WAS FUN.
YEAH, EXCEPT FOR
THE BOLDFACE LYING PART.
YEAH, THAT--
THAT WAS WEIRD.
HEY WHAT WAS UP
WITH YOUR PARENTS?
ANOTHER TIME, OKAY?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
EVOLVING, OPENING UP.
I DID. OKAY?
I AM, I WILL. I CAN.
ARE ANY OF THOSE
THE RIGHT THING
TO SAY TO YOU
BECAUSE I REALLY
DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
OKAY, JEFF,
I'M GLAD WE DID
WHAT WE DID.
IT WAS FUN, RIGHT?
COME ON, DON'T LOOK
AT ME LIKE THAT.
IT'S BETTER
THAN BEING ALONE.
YEAH.
I'M GLAD YOU SHARED.
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
I MEAN, IT MADE ME FEEL
CLOSER TO YOU.
SO WOULD THAT BE CLOSE ENOUGH
FOR TURKEY DAY BREAKUP SEX?
TURKEY DAY BREAKUP SEX?
FOR FUTURE REFERENCE,
DO NOT PUT SEX AND TURKEY
IN THE SAME SENTENCE.
AND, NO, I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
-I'LL SEE YA.
-YUP.
I KNEW I WAS STILL IN LOVE,
BUT WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW
WAS WHAT WAS
GONNA HAPPEN.
HOW COULD WE BE TOGETHER
IF IT MEANT I HAD TO CHANGE
WHO I WAS?
'CAUSE IT SURE DIDN'T SEEM
LIKE HE WANTED TO CHANGE.
HE WAS SO EAGER TO JUMP
RIGHT INTO IT.
INTO MIDDLE AGE, BUT I STILL
MISSED HIS CUTE LITTLE CHIN.
-HEY, HI, HOW ARE YOU?
-GREAT.
MY MOM INVITED YOUR PARENTS
TO OUR CHRISTMAS PARTY
AND THEY INVITED
KELLY AND BRIAN.
OH, GOD, NOT KELLY.
SHE'S LIKE A DRUG-SNIFFING DOG.
YEAH, WELL, OBVIOUSLY
YOU HAVEN'T COMMUNICATED
EFFECTIVELY
WITH YOUR OWN PARENTS.
WELL, NO, THEY'RE ACTUALLY
HAVING SOME ISSUES
SO THEY DON'T REALLY WAN TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.
WAIT A MINUTE,
YOU MUST NOT HAVE TOLD
YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY EITHER.
NO, I SUCK,
SO, ARE YOU
SEEING ANYONE?
-UH, YEAH,
THERE'S THIS GUY.
-I KNEW IT.
WHAT'S HE DO?
HE'S INTO SHOES.
WELL, LISTEN, I GOTTA GO.
JEFF, WAIT,
THERE'S NO GUY.
OKAY, WELL, IF YOU'RE
NOT DOING ANYTHING,
I MEAN, MAYBE
WE COULD GO TOGETHER.
JUST LIKE THANKSGIVING?
WE WILL CONTINUE
THIS PATHETIC TWISTED
FARCE.
WE'LL PUT ON ANOTHER
DASHING PASSIONATE PERFORMANCE
-AS A PERFECT COUPLE.
-SOUNDS GOOD.
ON.
CHLOE, DO YOU, UM--
YOU KNOW WHAT?
NEVER MIND, NEVER MIND.
I'M GONNA HANG UP NOW.
OKAY.
GOD, WOULD IT KILL ME
TO TELL HIM I MISS HIM?
WHAT WOULD BE
THE POINT?
I'M SO LONELY,
I JUST WANT SOMETHING TO HUG.
GET A CAT.
TRY CRAIGSLIST.
[KNOCKING]
THROUGH THE FIELD WE GO
LAUGHING ALL THE WAY
-HI, YA.
-HI, YA.
WOW, YOU LOOK GREAT.
YEAH, GLAD YOU CALLED ME.
-OH, OH.
-OH, MY GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU--
WHAT ARE YOU-- WHAT ARE YOU--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NOTHING.
OBVIOUSLY WHATEVER
IT WAS WAS WRONG.
WAIT, NO, HEY, YOU JUS CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD.
-IF YOU NEED A HUG.
-NO, I'M GOOD.
-ARE YOU SURE?
-YUP.
[SIGHS]
-YOU WORKING?
-NOPE.
BUT I HAVE A LO OF IRONS IN THE FIRE.
TONS, ACTUALLY.
YOU'RE BROKE,
AREN'T YOU?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
DO THAT?
LEAP TO RASH, UTTERLY
GROUNDLESS CONCLUSIONS
ABOUT ME
THAT HAPPEN TO BE TRUE.
[SIGHS]
GOD, I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.
SUCH A LOOSER.
LOW LIFE.
INEPT, USELESS,
PIECE OF CRAP.
-YOU CAN JUMP IN AT ANYTIME.
-YOU'RE NOT A LOSER.
IT'S JUST WITHOUT ME
YOUR LIFE IS SPINNING
TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL.
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I DO HAVE SOMETHING
THAT CAN REVERSE
YOUR CURRENT TREND.
JEFF, WE'RE NOT HAVING
BREAKUP SEX, LET'S GO.
JINGLE BELLS
JINGLE BELLS
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
OH WHAT FUN
IT IS TO RIDE
IN A ONE HORSE
OPEN SLEIGH
I'M FEELING A LITTLE GUILTY
ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.
I REALLY DON'T FEEL RIGH ABOUT LYING ON CHRISTMAS.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUS STOP PRETENDING AND--
WHAT AND TELL EVERYBODY?
STUPID?
LIKE? WHAT? NO.
THAT'S INSANE.
I WAS THINKING
THE SAME THING.
OKAY, LET'S DO IT.
HONESTY AND INTEGRITY
ALL THE WAY.
ALL THE WAY.
-OKAY.
-ALL RIGHT.
-WE CAN DO IT.
-WE'VE DONE IT.
-WE'VE DONE IT.
-IT'S DONE.
-IT'S ALREADY DONE.
-WE HAVEN'T DONE IT YET,
BUT WHEN WE GO INSIDE
WE'RE GONNA TELL EVERYBODY
WE'RE NOT A COUPLE.
ON CHRISTMAS.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-WE'RE NOT TOGETHER.
-WE BROKE UP.
A LONG TIME AGO,
BUT WE'VE BEEN PRETENDING
THIS WHOLE TIME.
YEAH.
YOU READY?
GIVE ME SOME WINE,
SWEETHEART.
GIVE ME ROOM.
-HI, NANA.
-HI, SWEETHEART.
-HI.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHELSEA.
CAN I HAVE A KISS, TOO?
-HI, NANA.
-HI, SWEETHEART.
-NANA, I NEED TO SAY--
-OKAY, I HAVE SOMETHING I WAN TO TELL YOU BOTH.
WELL, I'M--
I'M JUST NOT WELL
AND I DON'T KNOW
IF I'M GOING TO MAKE I -THROUGH TWO MORE YEARS.
-NANA, YOU SAY THIS
EVERY YEAR.
NO, NO. I KNOW, BUT THIS IS
SOMETHING I REALLY DO FEEL.
[COUGHS]
UM, I JUST KNOW
THIS IS COMING.
[COUGHS]
I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET--
[COUGHS]
DRAMATIC.
-NANA.
-NO.
I HAVE A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
THIS IS CALLED
SOMEDAY MONEY,
AND I DON'T NEED THIS MONEY,
BUT SOMEDAY YOU WILL.
AND I WANT YOU
TO HAVE IT.
-NANA, I--
-USE, UH--
YOU COULD BUY HER
A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.
-A HOUSE?
-WELL, EVERY WOMAN
WANTS A HOUSE
AND A DOG,
AND A BABY,
AND THAT'S WHAT BRINGS
YOU TWO TOGETHER MORE.
-BUT, NANA, I-- I CAN'T--
-PLEASE, PLEASE.
-I CAN'T TAKE IT.
-PLEASE. YES, YOU CAN.
I HID IT FROM BERNARD,
THAT G.D. SON OF A--
WHEN I SEE HIM,
I'M GONNA KICK HIS ASS
TO THE CURB.
THIS IS FOR YOU
TO MAKE ME HAPPY
AND TO GIVE ME
THE PEACE I NEED.
-NANA, I--
-PROMISE ME THAT YOU'LL BOTH
STAY TOGETHER FOREVER.
-LOOK, WE HAVE GO TO DO SOMETHING.
-I KNOW.
-WELL, WHAT--
SHE GAVE US CASH.
-I SAW THAT.
IT LOOKS LIKE
SHE ROBBED A BANK.
LET'S JUST--
WE'LL TELL HER NOW.
-YOUR MOM'S COMING.
LET'S TELL HER NOW.
-OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
-HI.
-HI, MOM.
-OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-HI.
-CHLOE.
-OH, YOU ARE
SO, SO LOVELY.
-THANK YOU.
-OH, LISTEN--
-MM-HMM, YEAH.
-LISTEN TO ME.
-[CHLOE] OH.
WE HAVE A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
OH, WHAT'S THIS?
-THIS IS THE KEY TO OUR FAMILY.
-OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I KNOW THAT CLARK
HAS A WAY OF LOCKING
PEOPLE OUT,
BUT HE PICKED
THIS OUT ESPECIALLY, SO--
LOOK.
-WOW, THANK YOU.
-YOU'RE WELCOME.
NOW, MORE IMPORTANTLY,
WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE
THE LITTLE LOVE NEST?
MOM, I-- I'VE TOLD YOU
BEFORE WE'RE JUST--
WE'RE BUSY-- SWAMPED,
WHAT WITH, YOU KNOW,
GIFTS,
AND CHLOE'S NEW JOB.
WHAT?
OH, YOU HAVE A NEW JOB?
HOW WONDERFUL.
-WHAT IS IT?
-OH, IT'S KIDS.
WORKING WITH KIDS.
KINDERGARTEN.
YUP, IT'S A PERFEC FIT FOR HER.
SHE'S ACTUALLY ENROLLED.
JEFF, STOP THAT.
SO, WHAT, YOU'RE TEACHING?
NO, I'M ACTUALLY
A TEACHER'S ASSISTANT.
BUT I AM GOING TO SCHOOL
FOR A TEACHING DEGREE.
WELL, YOU MUS BE SO PROUD.
YOU DO HAVE THAT SHEEN
OF ACCOMPLISHMENT ABOUT YOU,
DON'T YOU?
-OH.
-THANK YOU.
GIVE ME A MINUTE,
I GOTTA GO TALK TO DAD.
YEAH.
I CAN'T KEEP THIS.
I FEEL WAY TOO GUILTY.
YEAH, SO MUCH FOR THE HONESTY
AND INTEGRITY THING, RIGHT?
YOU DIDN'T JUMP IN.
[SIGHS]
WHATEVER.
THE KINDERGARTEN
TEACHING THING,
THAT WAS A SMOOTH MOVE.
JUST SOMETHING I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT FOR A WHILE.
-YEAH?
-OH, GREAT.
INCOMING.
-HEY.
-HI.
SO WHAT'S UP-- WHAT'S UP
WITH EBENEZER BACK THERE?
OH, YOUR FATHER, HE'S BEEN
IN SUCH A FOUL MOOD.
WELL, YOU REMEMBER
WHAT WE TALKED ABOU AT THANKSGIVING?
-YEAH.
-REMEMBER THAT?
-NO.
-WHAT?
OH, CERTAINLY
YOU TOLD CHLOE.
JEFF'S NOT MUCH OF A SHARER.
BOYS.
ALL RIGHT, SO JEFF'S FATHER
WAS GOING ON AND ON
ABOUT AN OPEN MARRIAGE,
AND, WELL, NATURALLY,
I WAS-- I WAS CRUSHED,
BUT, I GAVE IN,
AND THERE'S THIS YOUNG MAN
AT THE CLUB, FERNANDO,
THE TENNIS PRO,
AND HE'S SUCH A--
HE'S SUCH A LARGE MAN,
YOU KNOW?
AND, WELL, FRANKLY,
I HAD FORGOTTEN
HOW INCREDIBLY
INTENSE SEX COULD BE.
IT'S LIKE BIKRAM YOGA.
I'VE NEVER SWEAT SO MUCH
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
MOM, PLEASE.
I'M BEGGING YOU,
-DON'T FINISH
THAT SENTENCE.
-OH, POOH.
-I'M GONNA GO
SEE MY PARENTS.
-OKAY.
IT'S REALLY SORT OF DYNAMIC
FOR HIM, YOU KNOW?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU'RE TELLING ME THIS
ON CHRISTMAS?
-I DON'T KNOW WHY
WE NEED A DANCER.
-BECAUSE YOU PROMISED ME.
-YOU SAID IT WAS
THE ONE THING--
-HEY.
-HEY.
-OH, HI, HONEY.
YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE
A COUPLE OF GRINCHES.
-WHO DIED?
-NOBODY DIED. WE'RE FINE.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS, HONEY.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-YOU HAVE SUCH A SWEE BOYFRIEND.
-YOU'VE REALLY DONE
WELL FOR YOURSELF.
-UH, YEAH, SURE.
JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS,
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
OH, WHAT FUN
IT IS TO RIDE
IN A ONE HORSE
OPEN SLEIGH
-HI.
-HELLO.
-CHRISTMAS HUG?
-OH, YES.
-OH.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[SIGHS]
HELLO, AGAIN.
-EXCUSE ME?
-OH.
OH, IT'S YOU.
YOU TALK.
YES, UNFORTUNATELY.
SOMETIMES I GE A LITTLE NERVOUS
WHEN I'M AROUND
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS
AND I TEND
TO JIBBER JABBER
AND PUT MY FOO IN MY MOUTH.
SOMETIMES BOTH FEET.
[CHUCKLES]
YEAH, I'M ACTUALLY
REALLY FLEXIBLE.
I-- WHEN I WAS A KID
I PUT MY TOES IN MY MOUTH
AND I WOULD
SUCK ON... SHIT.
YOU USED TO SUCK
ON SHIT?
MY TOES, NOT SHIT.
I'M SORRY, IT WAS GOOD
SEEING YOU AGAIN.
OH, NO, DON'T GO.
YOU'RE JUST OPENING UP
AND SHARING.
AND BEING HONEST.
IT'S NICE.
SO THE SCARY TOE-SUCKING GUY
DIDN'T SCARE YOU AWAY?
NOT IF YOU KEEP
YOUR SHOES ON.
SO, YOU CAME WITH KELLY?
SHE DIDN'T WAN TO COME ALONE.
BRIAN DUMPED HER.
-OH.
-HELL OF A THING.
ESPECIALLY RIGH BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS.
-WHO DOES THAT?
-OH.
-SHE'S CRYING A LOT.
-YEAH, SHOULD WE GO
CHECK ON HER?
NO, I DON'T WANNA
ENJOY THIS.
OKAY.
-KELLY.
-GUYS.
-HEY, CUPCAKE, THERE YOU ARE.
-WHAT'S WRONG.
BRIAN.
MARCIE.
SHE GOT HER MASTERS.
I GOT MY MBA.
-MY MBA!
-THAT BASTARD,
AND RIGHT BEFORE
THE HOLIDAYS.
OH, YOU GUYS,
I DON'T KNOW WHA I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU.
I MEAN, REALLY.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
COME GIVE ME A HUG.
-[SOBBING]
-OH, OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.
YOU ARE,
YOU ARE A GOOD,
GOOD MAN.
-THANK YOU.
-I'M GONNA GO
FRESHEN UP.
-I'M GONNA GO
TAKE CARE OF HER.
-OKAY.
-WHAT WAS THAT?
-WHAT WAS WHAT?
SHE WAS PRACTICALLY
DRY HUMPING YOU.
AND THAT WOULD
BOTHER YOU BECAUSE--?
YOU ARE-- NOT MY PROBLEM
MAKING A SPECTACLE
OF YOURSELF.
GO AHEAD.
HUMP AWAY.
-THANKS.
-HAVE FUN.
THANKS.
-HI, NANA.
- HI, CHELSEA.
-OH, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
-THIS IS KELLY.
OH.
[KELLY]
WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH YOU TWO?
I MEAN, REALLY?
I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU KEEP
BANGING THAT DRUM, KELLY.
-JEFF AND I ARE FINE.
-RIGHT.
SO, THAT'S WHY HE'S BEEN
SITTING OVER THERE
WAITING UNDER THE MISTLETOE
FOR SOMEONE TO SUCK
HIS LIPS OFF?
OH, HE'S FINE.
HE'S A LONE WOLF.
NO, WHAT?
FINE, IF YOU'RE NO GONNA DO IT, THEN I WILL.
NO, OKAY, GOD,
COULD YOU BE MORE
ANNOYING?
YOU HAVEN'T KISSED ME
LIKE THAT IN FOREVER.
I WAS MERELY PRESERVING
THE FACADE.
IT WAS AN AC FOR DETECTIVE KELLY.
YOU LIKED THIS KISS,
DIDN'T YOU?
EH.
IT WAS A PERFECTLY
APPROPRIATE KISS
BETWEEN TWO
INCOMPATIBLE ADULTS.
IT'S ALL MY TRAGICALLY THIN,
LITTLE LIPS HAVE TO OFFER.
WELL, I THINK YOUR LIPS
ARE THE BEST I'VE EVER MET.
REALLY?
I SWEAR TO GOD.
I FELT LIKE THIS
STIRRING IN MY LOINS.
YOU WANNA FEEL IT?
AH, THANKS FOR THE OFFER,
BUT NO THANKS.
YOU CAN TELL YOUR LOINS
TO FORGET IT.
I'M GONNA TURN
THE OTHER WAY NOW.
[JEFF]
YOU GO FIRST.
A JUGGLING KIT?
YOU BRAT.
"BUILDING YOUR DREAM HOUSE."
THIS IS, UH,
SO GROWN UP OF YOU.
I WAS EXPECTING
SOMETHING SILLY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WHEN YOU TOLD ME
ABOUT YOUR HEARTBREAK
AND I PRETENDED LIKE
I DIDN'T HAVE ONE?
WELL, I DID.
GINNY.
I WANTED TO MARRY HER.
I PUT AN ENGAGEMENT RING
ON HER FINGER,
BUT IT GOT STUCK,
SO SHE CUT IT OFF
AND MAILED IT BACK
TO ME IN PIECES.
I'M SORRY,
I-- I SHOULDN'T HAVE
DUMPED ON YOU.
NO.
I'M GLAD YOU TOLD ME.
HEY, YOU.
-YOU.
-YOU.
-YOU.
-YOU.
-GOOD NIGHT.
-MMM.
YOU KNOW, NEW YEAR'S EVE
IS SNEAKING UP ON US.
AND I DON'T WAN TO BE HOME ALONE.
NEITHER DO I.
MAYBE WE COULD GO
TO PETER'S SOIREE TOGETHER?
YEAH, YEAH,
THAT'S--
I MEAN, WHO WANTS TO SPEND
NEW YEAR'S EVE ALONE, RIGHT?
-OKAY.
-OKAY.
-READ UP.
-YEAH.
I AM THE DELIBERATE
CREATOR OF MY LIFE.
I CAN BE SERIOUS.
SERIOUSLY, TRUST ME.
I TRUST YOU, CHLOE.
YOU'VE ALWAYS
BEEN THERE FOR ME.
YOU'LL CATCH ME.
[MOANS]
WHY DIDN'T YOU CATCH ME?
I TRUSTED YOU.
-[PHONE RINGS]
-JEFF?
OH.
HI, DAD.
LISTEN, YOUR MOM
IS VERY UPSET.
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT IT BEFORE SHE DID.
UH...
I DON'T WANT TO REMODEL
THE HOUSE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I DON' WANT THE HOUSE.
-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
-WELL, I--
-[DOOR OPENS]
-OH, DAMN, SHE'S HOME EARLY.
HE WANTS TO SELL THE HOUSE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
SELL OUR HOME, OUR HOUSE.
IT'S NOT A HOUSE,
IT'S AN $800,000 ALBATROSS.
IF I DON'T EVER CHANGE
ANOTHER SPRINKLER HEAD
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE,
I'LL BE VERY HAPPY.
AND IF I NEVER STEP FOO IN A HOME DEPOT AGAIN,
I WILL CONSIDER THE RES OF MY LIFE A GRAND SUCCESS.
OH, PLEASE, WE CAN HIRE
PEOPLE TO DO THAT.
I DON'T WANT TO HIRE
ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING
MORE TO THIS HOUSE.
I WANT TO BE FREE.
YOU SEE, THIS IS WHA I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU,
SWEETHEART.
YOUR MOTHER AND I
ARE TAKING VACATIONS.
THAT'S GREAT.
WAIT!
-VACATIONS?
-SEPARATE.
OH, I AGREED
TO A VACATION.
GIVE HIM TIME TO CLEAR
HIS MUDDLED BRAIN.
BUT IT TURNS OU OUR IDEAS OF VACATIONS
-ARE COMPLETELY OPPOSITE.
-[SIGHS]
I BOOKED
A SPECTACULAR CRUISE
WHERE EVERYTHING WAS PLANNED
DOWN TO THE LAST LITTLE
ICE SCULPTURE WAS GOING TO BE--
GORGING OURSELVES
ON A FLOATING HOTEL,
SUFFERING THROUGH
HIDEOUS DINNER THEATER
WITH PEOPLE YOU HAVE
TO PRETEND YOU LIKE.
-I'D RATHER JUMP
OFF A BRIDGE.
-JUMP.
JUMP NOW.
JUMP OFF THE LEDGE.
I AM FLYING TO ROME.
THAT'S IT.
I'M FLYING TO ROME.
I'M GOING TO RENT A CAR
AND JUST DRIVE.
SEE WHERE THE WIND
TAKES ME.
FREE.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.
WE WANTED YOU TO KNOW.
YOUR FATHER'S LOST HIS MIND.
THINKS HE'S A BIRD.
AND DAMN PROUD OF IT.
BY THE WAY, SWEETHEART,
HOW'S JEFF?
OH, UH, HE'S--
OH, MY, GOD,
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME
YOU SOMEHOW MANAGED
TO LOSE THE BEST THING
THAT EVER HAP--
JEFF'S SUPER.
HE'S GREAT, OKAY?
YOU DON'T NEED
TO WORRY ABOUT US.
WE'RE FINE.
FABULOUS.
HONEY, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
TEARS OF JOY.
OH, I CAN' TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
I'M OUT.
JUMP, DUMP, DRIVE--
WHO CARES?
OH, HEY, JEFF.
HI, JEFF.
HEY, JEFF.
[CLEARS THROAT]
MAYBE DON'T WINK.
OKAY, DON'T DO THAT.
OKAY.
HEY, JEFF.
JEFF.
I'M WEARING THAT LITTLE
BLACK DRESS YOU BOUGHT ME.
[PHONE RINGS]
HELLO, SISTA.
HOW ARE YA?
WHAT?
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
-DAD! ARE YOU OKAY?
-I'M FINE. I'M FINE.
HONEY, IT WAS JUS PRECAUTIONARY.
YOU SAID CHEST PAINS.
HIS EKG IS NORMAL.
THE DOCTOR'S THINK IT WAS
JUST A PANIC ATTACK.
I THOUGH I WAS GONNA LOSE YOU.
-I DON'T WANNA LOSE YOU.
-YOU'RE NOT GONNA LOSE ME.
[CHUCKLES]
I'M FINE. I'M FINE,
SWEETHEART.
-I PROMISE.
-OKAY.
-LET'S GO, DEAR.
-YEAH.
BUT LISTEN,
YOUR MOTHER AND I
ARE STILL GOING TO GO
ON A LONG CRUISE.
WELL, I'M NOT ENTIRELY
OPPOSED TO FLYING TO ROME
AND RENTING A CAR.
BUT I WANT RESERVATIONS
FOR AT LEAST THE FIRS FEW NIGHTS.
SEE WHAT I HAVE TO DO
TO GET MY WAY?
CHLOE, I KNOW I'VE BEEN
ROUGH ON YOU.
WAY TOO ROUGH.
IT'S ONLY BECAUSE
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I ALWAYS WANTED
SO MUCH FOR YOU.
I GUESS I KNEW THAT,
BUT IT'S REALLY NICE
TO HEAR YOU SAY IT.
DAD, PLEASE TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF.
-HEY, I'M GETTING OLDER,
BUT I'VE GOT YOU THREE.
-YOU SURE DO.
YOU LOOK REALLY
PRETTY TONIGHT.
YOU GOING OUT ON A DATE?
YOU GOING TO A PARTY?
YOU'RE GOING TO A PARTY,
RIGHT?
-GO ON, GO, GO.
-GO, HONEY.
NO, I'M NOT--
I'M NOT LEAVING YOU.
I'M GONNA STAY HERE
AND I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU.
GO. GO LIVE THE LIFE
I NO LONGER HAVE, OKAY?
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
I LOVE YOU.
-I LOVE YOU, TOO.
-OH, WE LOVE YOU, BABY.
-OKAY, MOM.
-GO.
GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO.
HAVE FUN.
THERE'S A PART OF ME
THAT WANTS TO LET GO
RUN AWAY FROM EVERYTHING
THAT I KNOW
GETTING READY,
PUTTING ON MY NEW SHOES
NEW DRESS, NEW FACE...
WE WILL MAKE A NIGH THAT WE'LL REMEMBER
PARTY LIKE
WE'RE GONNA LIVE FOREVER
FAVORITE SONG IS BLASTING
THROUGH THE STEREO
CALLS YOU, LET'S GO
- I'M LIVING THE LIFE
-HAVE YOU SEEN JEFF?
NO, BUT HAVE YOU
SEEN ME DANCE?
HEY, FINALLY BROKE UP
WITH THAT BITCH.
-HELLO.
-HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN JEFF?
NO.
CHLOE!
IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.
DO YOU--
DO YOU WANNA--
I'LL PUKE ON YOU.
CHLOE, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YOU'RE SWEET.
WHAT IS--
-HAVE YOU SEEN JEFF?
-JEFF GOLDBLUM?
CHLOE, I JUS THREW UP SPAGHETTI.
-WHAT? OKAY.
-WAIT WAIT! WAIT!
-I DIDN'T EAT SPAGHETTI.
-OH, GOD.
-[NOISEMAKER SQUEAKS]
-CHECK IT OUT.
DID YOU EVER
SEE THESE BEFORE?
IT'S CRAZY.
[ALL]
FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE!
[NOISEMAKERS POPPING]
HAPPY NEW YEAR, JEFF.
-YEAH. HAPPY NEW YEAR.
-[KELLY CHUCKLES]
[SOBBING]
I'M THE LUCKIEST GIRL
IN THE WORLD.
AND TODAY IS THE BES DAY OF MY LIFE.
GIVE ME YOUR INSIGHTS,
OH, GIBBOUS MOON
I NEED YOUR HELP TONIGH I GOT A HUNCH YOU KNOW
JUST WHERE YOU'RE HEADING
SAY YOU'LL BE
BACK BY HERE, AND SOON
BATHING ME IN YOUR LIGH [MOTHER]
YOUR FATHER HAS DECIDED
HE WANTS A CLOSED MARRIAGE.
WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
[MOTHER]
ME? I'D LIKE A FEW
MORE TENNIS LESSONS,
BUT I SHALL ABSTAIN.
-HI, MOM.
-HI, SWEETIE.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BELIEVE THIS,
BUT WE'VE BEEN DRIVING
IN ITALY.
GOING FROM TOWN TO TOWN,
STAYING IN THE MOS DARLING PLACES.
AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, JEFFY?
HAVE YOU TALKED
TO CHLOE?
YES, SHE'S, UM, GREAT.
YEAH, LOOK, MOM,
I GOTTA GO.
OKAY, BYE-BYE.
[SIGHS]
YOUR FATHER'S
BEEN VERY HORNY.
OH, MY GOD, WE'VE HAD
SO MUCH SEX I CAN
BARELY WALK.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, MOM.
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
DO NOT NEED TO HEAR
ANY OF THAT.
[LAUGHING]
HONEY, PUT SOME
PANTS ON.
I'M SORRY, YOUR FATHER,
UM, WE DON'T KNOW, SWEETIE,
BUT IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
WE ARE HAVING THE BEST TIME.
WE DON'T EVEN CARE.
HOW ARE YOU SWEETHEART?
HAVE YOU HEARD FROM JEFF?
NO, NOT AT ALL.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY
I BROUGHT IT UP.
IT'S OKAY.
HAVE FUN IN ITALY.
-I CAN BARELY WALK, BUT--
-YOU SAID THAT ALREADY.
-OKAY, I'M HANGING UP NOW.
-BYE, SWEETHEART.
YOU MIGHT COME HOME
WITH A LITTLE BROTHER.
NO, STOP. OKAY,
I'M HANGING UP, BYE.
THERE IS SOMETHING
ABOUT YOU
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY OTHER THAN
PLEASE STAY
STICK AROUND
AND I'LL SHOW YOU
WHAT YOU DESERVE
YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL
OH, I HOPE YOU KNOW
THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL
SHE WAS NEVER
RIGHT FOR YOU.
I KNOW IT DOESN' SEEM LIKE IT NOW,
BUT THIS IS FOR THE BEST.
TRUST ME.
AND I NEED THIS ON MY DESK
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
I DON'T CARE HOW LATE
YOU GOTTA STAY
TO GET IT DONE,
JUST GET IT DONE, OKAY?
- SOMETHING TRUE
-YOU GOT IT.
SOMETHING TRUE
TO HOLD ONTO
FOR DEAR, DEAR LIFE
YOU ARE MY DEAR
WHEN YOU ARE HERE
THERE'S NOTHING ELSE
THANK YOU ALL
FOR BEING HERE.
THIS SONG IS CALLED
"SOMETHING ABOUT YOU."
YOUR SOUL AND MY SOUL
WHERE YOU GOING? JEFF!
IT IS ONE
OR SO IT FEELS
SO I HAVE TO SAY
THANK YOU
FOR SHOWING ME HOW
TO BE
ME
OH, I AM ME
WHEN I'M NEXT TO YOU
CAN'T YOU SEE
IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE
I WOULD NOT LIE TO YOU
-THANK YOU.
-[CHEERS]
OH, YOU WENT FULL MIME
ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
THAT'S NICE.
OH, YOUR HEART'S BEATING.
YEAH.
SO, ANYWAY,
WITH MY NEW JOB
AND YOUR WEALTH
MANAGEMENT SKILLS,
WE'RE GONNA MAKE
A GREAT TEAM.
-WE COULD HAVE,
LIKE TEN KIDS, BABE.
-YEAH.
OH, FOR ME?
A CARD?
THANK YOU.
"HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
BE MINE."
[LAUGHS]
OH, THAT'S NICE.
THANKS.
WHAT'S WRONG?
DID I SAY SOMETHING?
UH, NO, NO,
IT'S GREAT.
EVERYTHING'S GREAT.
BABY, I GOT YOU
A VALENTINE'S PRESENT.
CHLOE?
JEFF.
-YOU CAME TO OUR PLACE.
-SO DID YOU.
-I SANG AT OPEN MIC NIGHT.
-I KNOW.
-YOU DO?
-YEAH.
-YOU KNOW?
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
-I WAS THERE.
-YOU WERE?
-YEAH.
I WAS THERE.
I WAS GONNA COME UP
AND CONGRATULATE YOU,
BUT THEN I SAW YOU
WITH HIM.
OH, YEAH.
THAT SONG,
WHEN I WAS SINGING IT,
IT WAS ABOUT YOU.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU
THE WHOLE TIME.
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN YOU.
I'VE NEVER WANTED TO BE
WITH ANYBODY ELSE.
AND I DON'T--
I DON'T CARE IF WE PRETEND--
I DON'T WAN TO PRETEND, OKAY?
-IT'S REAL.
-I DON'T EVER WAN TO BE AWAY FROM YOU.
YOU MAKE ME BETTER.
I'VE BEEN SO IMMATURE.
I WILL GROW UP.
-NO.
I'LL GROW UP.
I CAN GROW UP.
NO, DON'T.
GROWING UP IS STUPID.
I WANNA GO BACK
TO BEING A KID WITH YOU.
-YOU DO?
-YEAH, I DO.
WE CAN EVEN GO
TO CLOWN SCHOOL
IF YOU WANT.
-REALLY?
-YEAH.
OKAY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, CHLOE.
I LOVE YOU.
I'M THE LUCKIEST GIRL
IN THE WORLD.
AND TODAY IS THE BEST DAY
OF MY LIFE.
WHAT THE HELL, JEFF.
WE'RE ALL TRAVELING DOWN
THIS LONELY ROAD
WE'RE ALL TUMBLING
IN THE TIDE
BUT I AM HERE
TO SIMPLY LET YOU KNOW
I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
WE ALL HEAR THAT VOICE
INSIDE OUR SOUL
THE WIND WHISPERS
IN THE NIGHT
WHATEVER LIES DOWN THIS
OLD WINDING ROAD
I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
OH, OH, OH, OH
DON'T HAVE TO FACE
THIS WORLD ALONE
OH, OH, OH, OH
I'LL BE THE PLACE
THAT YOU CALL HOME
OH, OH, OH
THE PAGE IS TURNING,
YEARS GO BY
AND I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
A HUNDRED BOOKS
CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO
A THOUSAND SONGS
STILL DON'T RHYME
BE YOURSELF AND KEEP
YOUR HEART TRUE
I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
OH, OH, OH, OH
YOU DON'T HAVE TO FACE
THIS WORLD ALONE
OH, OH, OH
I'LL BE THE PLACE
THAT YOU CALL HOME
OH, OH, OH
THE PAGE IS TURNING,
YEARS GO BY
AND I'LL BE RIGH BY YOUR SIDE
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE
WE CHOOSE
TO PLANT OUR ROOTS
WE ALWAYS BLOSSOM
IN EACH OTHER'S LIGHT
AND FROM THE SHELTER
OF YOUR OPEN ARMS
YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES
AND SAY,
OH, OH, OH, OH
YOU DON'T HAVE TO FACE
THIS WORLD ALONE
OH, OH, OH, OH
I'LL BE THE PLACE
THAT YOU CALL HOME
OH, OH, OH, OH
THE PAGE IS TURNING,
YEARS GO BY
I'LL BE RIGHT BY
YOUR SIDE
I'LL BE RIGHT BY
YOUR SIDE