Holiday on the Buses (1973) Movie Script

[instrumental intro music]
[upbeat music]
[indistinct talking]
[Stan] Hey, Jack. Have a look at that!
-[Jack] Cor blimey, mate.
-[Stan] Yeah.
[Stan] Here, that's worth hanging
about for.
Cor, she looks a cracker.
Yeah, not half!
Blake, my car is
still not working properly.
I told you to get a mechanic to see to it.
I sent for him, sir.
He should be here any minute now.
I told you half an hour ago.
You're right. It was half hour, and all.
I'm glad to see you've got a watch
because that bus should be out by now.
No wonder our services never run to time.
That route's got
a dreadful record for time-keeping.
Well, it's Butler, isn't it?
Then you go out with him,
and do your job properly.
Right I will, sir.
[engine running]
Here, she looks lost.
-Yes, I think we'd better give her a hand.
Boys, come on. Come on, get that bus out.
-Oh, all right.
-[Jack] Yeah, we're going to.
And I'm gonna come along with you and all.
[Blake] Right, come along in time.
-Go ahead, darling.
[bell rings]
Stop! Stop!
-[hoots with glee]
[horn blowing]
-[tires screeching]
-[car crashing]
Help, I've got a-- Oh, don't, don't.
Help me up, my foot. My foot's gone.
Oh, my foot's gone, help me up.
-Help me up.
-Come on, Blakey, come on.
I can't do it, can't make it.
Oh, well stay there then.
Hey, Stan! Come on, Stan, back it up mate.
All right, all right.
Let's have you. Come on, back her up.
[yelling in pain]
Something in your car, sir?
Oh, my poor car.
Get that bus
away from my car. Get it out of here.
All right, I'm doing it!
What's the matter with you?
-[Jack] Look left, Stan. Watch out, Stan!
-[horn blowing]
[main theme plays]
Hello, mate. Kept me a place, have you?
-Lousy day, isn't it?
-Oh, I'm soaked.
Oh, hello, Blakey!
Here, is your foot better yet?
No, thanks to you, I've broken my big toe,
do you know that?
Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that.
Did you get yourself a job?
Yeah, marvelous mate.
Yeah, your getting me the sack turned
out to be a blessing in disguise.
-What, did you get any more money?
-Shorter hours?
What's better about it then?
What's better about it is
I'll never have to
work with you two ever again in my life.
Never! I'd have done it for nothing.
Well, it's one thing, Jack. If he's got
a job, we should get a job in no time.
[Arthur] You've been out of work
six weeks now.
You realize that I am now
sole supporter of this family?
I mean, what are you doing about it?
For God's sake, don't go on!
It's not my fault I can't get any jobs.
Well I don't understand it.
You'd think there'd be
a shortage of good bus drivers.
Yeah, there is.
It's drivers like him they don't want.
-Oh, shut up, the pair of you.
Now, look, mate.
You've got to take any job they offer.
I married your sister, not you.
Here, where's little Arthur?
And that's another thing.
That child should be in bed.
Look, I only let him stay up
because he said
he had a surprise for his Uncle Stan.
Oh, has he? Where is he?
-Bang! Bang! Bang!
-He surprised you all right there, mate.
[cackling laughter]
He surprised you and all, didn't he, eh?
You want to watch that cough, otherwise
you'll have to have another operation.
-I'll kill him! I'll kill him!
-Oh, Arthur.
Well, he couldn't help it.
Anyway, he's got a very good aim.
Why don't you keep an eye on him?
I told you to keep him away from water.
Where did he get it from anyway?
-Oh, out of the flower bowl.
-Out of the--
Well, look at it, it's filthy!
What's in it?
I dunno,
but I saw the cat sniffing round there.
-Back door was open, can I come in?
-[Stan] Hello, mate.
Here, Stan. Mate,
I reckon I've found us a job.
Look, I saw this advert in the paper.
"Experienced bus crew wanted for season
at one of Britain's premier holiday camps.
Phone or write."
Yeah, well, I've already phoned.
Look, we've got to go up
to the head office first thing
tomorrow morning for an interview.
Hey, Mum, come here.
Jack's got us a job, look.
Well, how lovely, eh? Oh, Stan.
You can't go away for the whole summer
and leave your lovely home.
Well, I've got to get a job, ain't I?
One minute you're moaning--
-Get off, put that down!
-Is he at it again?
-Arthur, come here.
-Come here, come here.
-Arthur, if you set an example to him
you could try to control him.
[Arthur] Right, now.
-[Olive] Just leave him alone.
-I reckon your mum's right.
You couldn't go away
and leave your lovely home, could you?
-No, but I'll force myself!
[marching band music]
[voice over loudspeaker] Hello, everyone.
Welcome to the Holiday Village.
For those of you who have
just arrived today, I'd like to
This is great.
And to think we're getting paid for it.
Yeah, 25 quid a week and all, found.
Hey, Jack, I think we've found them.
Here, four months of this, mate.
We've fallen on our feet.
Four months of this,
we'll be on our hands and knees.
Here, look, the manager said
he'd meet us by the bus.
We'd better hurry up and get changed.
Yeah, all right.
[Jack] Is the manager's office in here?
This ain't bad gear, is it?
Yeah, this will fetch the birds, mate.
Yes, you look very smart
in your new uniform.
-Oh, thank you, sir.
-Thank you.
Let's see they stay that way, shall we?
Now, as I told you,
your job is to drive that bus
on the excursions,
-mystery tours, to the station
-[Stan] Yes, sir.
And you will check the passengers,
help with the luggage
and do the commentary, as required.
-[Jack] Yes, sir.
-[manager] And in between times,
I'll be allocating you other duties.
Now you can start by picking up
some people from the station.
And I don't want any goings on
with the female staff.
Yes, sir.
-Remember that.
-Yes, sir.
Off you go.
You're meeting the 3:15 train.
[bus engine starting]
[cheerful music]
[horn honks]
Come on, open up!
Oh, no!
Oh, no.
Butler. I don't believe it.
I must be dreaming.
It's a nightmare, isn't it?
[Stan] No.
Blimey! I thought Hitler was dead.
What are you doing here?
I am chief security inspector.
What's that then?
Security! It means I'm here to keep out
all undesirables.
Louts, hooligans and that.
Well, you've failed, ain't you,
because we're here. [laughs]
Is your foot better yet?
The fracture healed up.
Brought on an attack of gout.
Ah, poor old Blake. It's a shame that.
-Well, come on then. Open the gates.
You caused my accident in the first place.
You open the gates yourself.
Right, I'm off then.
Hang about. You sign
these books for the records.
All right.
-Now, I'm sorry you broke your foot.
-Oh, thanks.
Should have been your neck! [laughs]
-[cries in pain]
[voice over loudspeaker] Attention
all parents with children under 12 months.
There's a bonny baby competition,
10:30 in the morning tomorrow.
-Come along
-Oi! Stop!
You've taken my pen.
I'll give it to you when I come back.
Never mind about that. Come on, I want
it back now. Come on, let's have it.
Oh, all right.
[Blake] Stop! Stop!
[moans in pain]
[cackling laughter]
You morons.
-Come on in. You're welcome.
-[Jack] That's it, take those off.
-You're welcome, love. Mind how you go.
-[Stan] I'll take that one there.
All right.
Thanks for helping with my case.
That's all right, darling.
-Hey, just a minute.
-[Blake] Welcome.
Listen, eh, have you got a boyfriend?
-Well how about us meeting tonight?
Yeah, why not?
Who's that?
-It's my mum.
-Mavis, come along.
Yes, Mum.
-See you later then.
-Yeah, all right then, yeah?
Hey, I think I've clicked.
Who with, the mother or the daughter?
I want to have a word with you two
after I've inspected my staff.
And you're here to welcome
the holidaymakers?
Look at the style of your bow.
Give a nice big smile.
-[Blake] That's it. That's better.
-Blimey, Hitler's at it again.
-[military music]
-Watch it, we'll be back in the depot.
Give a smile. Smile. Give a smile. Clark
Do you call that a smile?
Give a nice, big smile. Like this, look.
Shut up! Twits.
Right then, to your posts. Dismissed.
Come on, gather away. Right,
come on you two. I want a word with you.
And I want you to understand.
I don't want any hanky-panky
with the female staff, right?
They're here to work, the same as you two.
Hang about. I ain't finished with you yet.
I saw you passing so I had to come out.
How are you, dear?
Well, I'm still getting a bit of pain
with my big toe.
I think I'd better come along tonight
and rub some other ointment in.
[Blake] Oh, good, because I can't manage
on my own, you see.
Then I'll give you another blanket bath.
No, that won't be necessary, nurse.
Now, now, nurse knows best.
See you later in the canteen for some tea.
Bye, Cyril.
Blanket bath, in your room, eh?
What's this no hanky-panky
with the staff bit?
Dirty old man. I bet there's nothing
wrong with your foot at all.
Just to get her in his room.
Here, Blakey, have you, sort of,
had it off with her yet?
How dare you?
I've only known her for four weeks.
She happens to be
a very respectable young woman.
We're getting rather close.
Oh, how romantic.
She's fallen in love with his big toe.
Well, let's face it,
that's the best part of him.
And listen, Arthur, look,
I can get you a special reduction.
Stan says if we go down for a week,
he can get us a special reduction.
[gasps excitedly]
You sure that's all it will cost?
Yeah! Listen, all the entertainment's
for free. It's marvelous.
Yeah, well, it sounds OK.
How do we get down there?
Well, it's a good train service.
Yeah, should only cost you
about 14 quid in fares.
Fourteen quid? Oh, no, it won't.
-Got all those cases on, Arthur?
-Yeah, just about.
Oh, good. There's not much else.
Are you mad? We can't take all that lot.
Well, I only packed the essentials.
-Right, all good tickets for the return.
-[Stan] Hey, Jack! Jack!
-Jack. How many more do you want up top?
-Yeah, eh
Got room for a couple more.
Couple more up top.
That's it. Rest for the next time.
-Hey, Stan.
What time does the family arrive?
Tea time. They left about an hour ago.
Right, I've told you, it's in there.
-[family arguing]
-I've packed it in.
[Arthur] Can we go now?
Right. Right.
Oh, he's so clever.
What would you do once we get there?
Right, that's it.
I'm not coming back for anything.
Come back! Come back!
-Oh, hello.
-Hello, love.
-What are you doing?
Here, why don't you come
on this service with us?
Yeah, all right.
-I'll see you have a lovely time.
-[loudspeaker announcements]
Mavis, there you are.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
-Come on, Mavis.
-Oh, blimey.
Come on, lend us a hand.
Give us a push. Eh!
[ringing bike bell]
You'll never stand a chance there,
till you get rid of her mum.
You're right.
Here, you're not fixed up yet, are you?
Me, have a crack at her mum? You must be
joking. Look at the size of her.
That would be
like a blooming mystery tour.
It'd take you a fortnight
to find out where you were going.
Now, come on, look, we're full up.
Let's get cracking, mate.
Yeah, you're right. I want to be back
when the family get here.
And you know Arthur. Once he gets
on that bike, he really gets moving.
[bike engine running weakly]
[Mabel] Arthur,
are you sure you can't help?
I'm sorry, mother-in-law.
You know I mustn't, not with my operation.
You shouldn't have loaded so much luggage.
It's straining the clutch.
It's not doing mine any good neither.
Come on, love, push!
[upbeat music]
Hello there! [laughs]
-[car horn honks]
[comedic boing]
I'll kill that fellow of yours.
He's a raving lunatic,
cutting me up like that.
-What we going to do, Arthur?
-[Mabel] Oh, dear.
Get me out of this side-car.
All the bloody luggage is floating away.
[comedic music]
Come on, girl, give me a hand.
Let's get it.
Arthur! What about me and little Arthur?
Come on! Come on, woman!
-[Olive] Oh, Arthur.
-[Arthur] Come on.
[Olive] Oh, careful.
[Arthur] Get in and get 'em.
Why can't you get them?
Don't be stupid.
I've got my best trousers on, haven't I?
[Arthur] Go on, get. Go.
[Olive] Oh, it's all muddy.
[Arthur] Well don't stand there.
Start swimming!
[Olive] Arthur, I'm out of my depth.
[Arthur] Get the case. Stop larking
about. Get it back.
[comedic music continues]
-[Arthur] I'll kill that brother of yours.
-[Olive] Oh, I'm all wet.
You beast, beast!
I wonder where the family's got to.
I passed them on the road a half hour ago.
Should be here by now.
I wonder why they're so late.
Runs in the family, doesn't it?
Oh, funny. Oh, look, here they come.
Blimey, they're looking a bit of a mess.
Perhaps they took a shortcut
through a sewage farm. [laughs]
What happened to you?
Where did you get to?
You cut me up! What the devil
did you think you were doing?
-I didn't cut you up--
-You cut me up!
[under his breath] Shut up, shut up!
You'll get me the sack.
You know Inspector Blake.
-How are you?
And there's Mum and Olive.
Hello, Inspector. Stan said you were here.
[Blake] Oh
It was a sewage farm.
What happened to you?
Oh, it was awful. All the luggage fell
in the river. Then Olive went in.
I hope it's not polluted.
Well, it will be now. [laughs]
Oh, shut up, shut up. Now let's get you
to the chalet and cleaned up
before the manager sees you. Come on.
Oh, get on. Get on.
[Arthur] And you're gonna pay
for the cleaning bill.
-[Stan] Why should I pay for the cleaning?
-[Arthur] Well, you were the cause.
[Arthur] And you shut up and all.
Here we are.
[Mabel] Open the door and get in.
In you go, get in.
Go on, Arthur, that's it.
[chortles] What a load of rubbish.
Yes, they're not like us, love.
They're bleeding common.
Right, now, it's got two bedrooms.
One in there, look.
-[Mabel] Oh, yeah.
-One in there, and that's the bathroom.
Hang about. Anyone got a bit of paper
so I can put this down?
[Mabel] Wait a minute, love.
I've got a bit of paper there.
Arthur, there you are.
I'll get little Arthur ready for bed,
because he's sleeping with me, see.
That means you two will be on your own.
-Come on, love.
-I must have a wash.
-Come on, hurry up.
-All right, all right, all right.
That's a fine holiday we're going to have.
Most of our clothes gone.
It's all your fault.
Don't talk daft.
You couldn't have tied it on properly.
What are you talking about?
I know how to tie them on, don't I!
Well, it wouldn't have come off
if you had, would they?
Oh! Look, the mud's all soaked
through to my bra.
Quick, open that case.
Thank goodness we saved that one.
It's got my undies in it.
Oh, there you are--
Oh, look at it!
What on Earth is that?
My clean slip.
Oh! My new bra!
The cups are all full of mud.
Hey, watch it!
With your bra, that's a lot of mud.
Here, come out of it. Get it in.
I'm taking this over to the sink
before we get any more mud on the carpet.
It's all right for you, mate.
All my best shirts are in there.
Well, what am I supposed to do for undies?
What about me?
[Arthur] I've got to wear clothes and all,
but it's all right for you mate.
It ain't your gear, is it?
Oh, blimey, this lot's
[Stan] Oh, blimey.
Stan, ain't it lovely?
And it's all so clean.
It was.
[disco music]
[crowd chattering]
[Stan] Here, they're having
a marvelous time at the bar.
How are you getting on?
I thought you were going to help?
I've been working all day.
Oh, that's clean enough.
Hey, Olive!
How are you managing with my pajamas?
Oh, all right. Arthur can wear
the bottoms, and I'll just wear the tops.
Oh my God.
Here, Arthur, as Mum's got the kid in with
her, we've got a bedroom to ourselves.
Be like a second honeymoon.
Coming to bed now, Arthur?
Eh? Uh
I do-- I do believe
this needs another scrub.
But if you do that, I might be asleep
when you come in.
Oh, dear me.
Look, mate, how are we going to manage
with all our clothes gone?
Oh, cheer up.
Look, you've got money for your grub.
You can borrow a bit of clobber
off of me and Jack.
You'll have a smashing holiday.
There's plenty going on in the camp.
Oi! You two. What are you doing in here?
Well, we haven't got
any driving to do today,
so the manager's put us on relief duty.
You two as lifeguards?
He must be raving mad.
Oh, we're both strong swimmers.
Don't worry, Blakey,
if you fall in,
I'll give you the kiss of life.
Not you, mate. With your choppers,
you'll bite my tonsils out!
Hey, there's Mavis over there
without her mum, hang on.
[Stan] Hello, love!
Oh, hello.
When are me and you
going to get together then?
Whenever you like.
I'm off duty in a minute.
How about a drink?
Yeah, all right.
We can have a drink outside in the camp
and come back here, all right?
-[Mavis] That would be nice.
Bring my towel!
Yes, Mum.
Sorry, darling.
It'll have to be another time now.
Yeah, all right.
Hard luck, mate.
Here, Stan, that's the smallest bikini
I've ever seen.
[children shouting]
[indistinct chatter]
Have you gone raving mad?
What made you buy that?
Well, it was the only one I could get.
You look positively obscene, woman.
You don't look so marvelous yourself!
I didn't happen to buy them.
I borrowed them off the inspector.
It might have escaped your notice, but
he happens to be rather bigger than me.
Everyone's bigger than you.
-[Olive] Arthur!
-You can swim, can't you?
It's my bikini.
I've lost the bottom half of it.
[men] You what?
[whistle blowing]
[Stan] Everybody out.
Come on. Nobody's allowed in this pool
till this lady's covered up.
Oh, blimey, what a sight. [laughs]
What'd you blow the whistle for?
What's happened?
Oh my God, look.
It's like the moon coming
over the mountains.
[Arthur] Will you get yourself covered up?
Tickets, that's right. There you go, son.
-Thank you very much.
-[crowd chatters]
It's a bloody mystery tour,
you see, Arthur.
That's the way.
Come on, where's your ticket?
What are you talking about?
It's a staff pass, isn't it?
Go on, get on there, peg leg Pete.
Have you got any spare birds on this bus?
No, why? You on your own?
Yes, but I'm hoping to find
a bit of female company.
Well, why not? There's many a good tune
played on an old fiddle.
I don't think I'll bother with that lot.
I'll try elsewhere.
-Stan! Stan.
-Hello, Mavis.
You coming on this mystery tour?
No, my mum won't let me.
Listen, she's going to bingo
from six to seven.
I shall be all alone in my chalet.
Number 344. I'd hate to be lonely.
-You won't be lonely, darling.
[upbeat montage music]
Oh, blimey, Jack, look at the time.
It's twenty to six. I'll miss my date.
They're taking too long over tea.
Well look, don't blame me. I didn't know
Blakey was coming, did I?
-We got to get them out. Come on.
-Oh, all right.
Do you mind getting back on, please?
We've lovely trip back.
Believe me, we have.
Arthur, Arthur.
Well, you'll take
your laddie's candy floss next.
-[Stan] It's all right. Mum, Mum, please.
-[Arthur] He's having his
Back on the bus please.
What a lovely trip back we've got.
Would you mind? Thank you very much.
Would you mind getting back
on the bus, please?
[Jack] No time for treats, come on.
Hurry, get back on the bus.
Eat them on the bus.
There's a good girl, aren't you?
Lovely trip for you when you get back.
-Here you go, dear.
-Oh, that's nice.
You got a big one for me.
She's right as regards the ice cream.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Come on, Blakey.
I want to get the bus away.
Isn't it marvelous, eh?
Fourteen years I worked
on the buses with him,
that's the first time he's ever said that.
Now you wait your turn, mate.
This is the first time
I've ever been a passenger.
I'm going to take my time.
Oh, yeah? Well you listen to me, mate.
You're on a day pass,
so you get on that bus.
Hang on, hang on.
Come on, Cyril. We'll go upstairs.
You get a better view from up there.
You don't get a bad view from down here.
Oh, you lecherous moron, you.
Right, that's the lot. Now I'm going.
Here, hang on. We've forgotten Olive.
She's in the shop there.
Oh, blimey. Olive!
-[shop bell rings]
Oh, I don't enjoy it when I'm hurried.
-Neither will I! Now get on the bus.
See, if I don't get back,
she might not wait.
All right, mate. Don't panic.
Look, I tell you what we do. Here.
You take
this little shortcut down here, see,
and that'll save about eight miles.
Well, that's not the route.
So? It's a mystery tour, isn't it?
[upbeat music continues]
[passengers singing]
[passengers screaming]
[passengers singing]
[passengers screaming]
[Jack] Watch out, everybody.
[indistinct complaining]
Oh, Stan. I thought you were never coming.
I've been waiting hours.
What's going on?
Oh, nothing.
I was just gonna ask your daughter
for a drink.
Good idea!
We can all go together.
[Stan protesting]
Have you seen this?
"Ballroom closed
for rehearsal of old time dancing."
We've got to have a look at that.
Old time dancing? What the hell for?
Well, Blakey's in charge, isn't he?
Well, he was always interested
in it when he was at the depot.
Besides, Mum's joined the class.
Here's let's go and have a look
and take the mickey, eh?
Can I have the pleasure of this dance?
-Oh, dear.
[humming music]
Right then, ladies and gentlemen.
Will you all gather round and form pairs,
while I finish taking the names down.
Now, Mrs.
Oh, hello there. My name's Bert.
What's yours?
-Mrs. Butler
-[Blake] Mrs. Palmer.
but you can call me Mabel.
And are you here with your husband,
-Oh, no. He went a long time ago.
-Oh, good!
What I mean is, I'm here on my own here
too, so let's you and me have a go, Mabel.
I say, watch where
you're putting your hand.
In a bit of a hurry, ain't you?
Ah sure, don't you have to be at our age?
Oh, Bert. [surprised laughter]
[humming music]
[Crowd] Hey!
All right, all right.
That's enough of that, please. Oh
Mrs. Butler. I might've known.
Look, you'll start when I tell you to.
Right? And we're going to start
with a military two-step.
One couple at a time.
Mr. and Mrs. Hodges will start. Thank you.
All the rest of you go and sit down,
please. Come along.
Now then,
will you take the first positions?
Don't forget to point
your toe, nice salute from the man
and don't forget your pas de valse.
[light, upbeat piano music]
One, two.
Now lovely pas de valse.
Lovely salute, chap. Thank you, Ethel.
Lovely, thank you.
That was very nice. Thank you very much.
Right, camp. Mrs. Butler, you
and Mr. Thompson take the floor, will you?
Thank you. All right.
Don't forget to point your toe
and a nice salute from the gentleman.
[light, upbeat piano music]
One, two.
[cackling laughter]
Have a banana
-Stop. No! No. Ethel, stop!
-[piano music stops abruptly]
What do you think you're doing, love, eh?
What ails you?
That was nothing like it.
Now, listen here.
Don't you tell me anything about dancing.
Yeah, you were so busy showing off,
you forgot to give her
a salute, didn't you?
Oh. I'm sorry, sir.
I'll do it for you now.
I like that salute.
Shut up.
What's up?
Don't be so bleeding crude.
Right then, now. Mr. and Mrs. Briggs.
Come on.
-I've showed him what to do.
Right, take your places
on the floor, please.
Now, don't forget, salute,
nice and pointy.
One, two.
[light, upbeat piano music]
-No, no, no! Ethel, stop it. Stop it.
-[piano music stops abruptly]
You point your toe.
I was pointing my toe.
Well point it down and like that.
Down. See?
Great big nana.
Start again, Ethel. Ethel.
And one two.
[light, upbeat piano music]
[Blake] Slide and slide and
Madam Blake, the dancing instructress.
No, stop! Stop.
You ain't got no stance at all, have you?
And your, your, your
Your pas de valse was awful.
Look, I'll show you what to do.
Look, stand like this
Blimey, this should be good.
Stand erect, you see, proud. And you take
step, and together, and you bow like that,
and step, together like that and you
pas de valse,
and you pas de valse and you step,
step, step and you turn.
Blimey, I thought you'd turned
a long time ago.
I'll do it with you. Look, come here.
I'll do the waltz.
And I'll be the lady.
Here, he's a bleeding fairy.
Shut up and do as he says.
You know the waltz, don't you?
Yes. One, two, three.
-[light, upbeat piano music]
One, two, three. One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Watch it, deary.
You'll ladder your tights.
One, two, three. One, two, three.
[yelps in pain]
Clubbed, you great clot.
Here, what are you doing this whole time,
stuck with Blakey?
You kidding? No thanks,
that's not my scene.
Well, what do you like?
You know, a bit
of the old shake, rattle and roll.
Well that can easily be arranged.
What about coming for a drink
with me, then?
Old Blakey won't teach you anything.
Not here, or anywhere else.
No, I'm beginning to think
I shall have to teach him.
Yeah, come on then.
-You coming, mate?
-No, I think I'll find Mavis.
Try and talk her into coming
on that boat cruise tomorrow.
Come on then.
Tickets, please. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Right, honored guests, this way.
[Jack] Thank you. All tickets here,
please. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, sir. In you go.
What are you doing?
Here, you sure her mother ain't coming?
Yeah. I've got Mavis on her own
for a change.
-Here, did you fix us a cabin?
Here, how did you get rid of her mother?
This will kill you. She can't stand boats.
It makes her seasick. [laughs]
-Go on then.
-[rings bell]
Wasn't it a good idea of Jack's
to get the duty-free Champagne?
-[wind howling]
Here, have some more.
It ain't half putting me in the mood.
It doing anything to you?
Oh, not half.
Aren't you going to kiss me?
Oh, dear.
Come on then.
[Stan] Oh, God.
[Mavis] Oh! I love the motion of a ship.
Makes it more sexy.
What's the matter?
Oh, no. You're not shy, are you?
Me? No, no. No, it's just that I
[groaning] Oh God Oh, I feel awful.
Oh, dear. I think I'm going to pass out.
Oh, dear. Oh, thanks. Oh, would you--
Oh, dear. Get the door.
Oh. I don't think I can make it.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Well, a dead loss you are.
And on the last day as well.
Oh, dear.
Hello, mate. Cor, blimey,
she's half killed you.
Here you are, have some fish and chips.
That'll give you strength.
Oh, dear Lord.
There you are mate, there.
Hang on. No bird's that good.
Where is she anyway?
She's in there. [groans]
-Hello, love.
-Oh, hello.
Bit too rough for old Stan, eh?
Oh, I'm really fed up.
It's my last day on holiday.
Well, never mind, there's a drop
of Champagne left. Let's not waste it.
Oh, Jack.
Here, come to think of it,
let's not waste anything else either.
Here you are. Drink your Champagne.
I'll be with you in a minute.
[indistinct excited singing]
[groans] Oh, oh, did it stop?
That's better.
[indistinct chattering]
[mischievous music]
[Blake] Help! Help! Help!
[rifle firing]
You know, Bert, I quite enjoyed that.
It makes you feel all young again.
You know, you remind me of my wife,
-God rest her soul.
Lovely, warm person she was.
Once she had a couple of gins down her,
there was no holding her.
Hey, would you care for a drink, yourself?
Well, I don't know. You won't get me going
on a couple of gins, you know.
Ah sure, I've got plenty of money.
Come on.
There's my girl.
Hey! Not in front of the children.
Hello, Stan.
-You see that, Jack.
The old lady's doing all right
for herself, isn't she?
-Yeah, must be the sea air.
-It's doing the same to me.
Here's your list
for this afternoon's tour.
Oh, thanks, Sandra.
See you later.
-You haven't forgotten, have you?
-No, I haven't, no.
I've clicked there. And she hasn't
got a mum to worry about.
This time, it's gonna be on dry land.
I tell you, mate, I've got it made.
That's no good.
Look, she's staff, isn't she?
I mean, she's sharing a chalet
with a couple of other birds.
You've got nowhere
to take her on your own.
Don't worry, I've got it all worked out.
Wasn't it nice of Stan to offer to babysit
for us tonight?
I must say, it's extremely kind of him
giving up his night, Ol.
It's nothing really. Right, off you go.
Go and enjoy yourselves. That's it.
-Oh, you look lovely, Olive.
That's it, away you go.
Stay as late as you like.
Where's Mum? Mum, hurry up.
Your bloke's waiting for you.
Don't forget to put your tin drawers on.
I'm ready.
Blimey, what've you done to your hair?
Do you like it? Here, it's my new fun wig.
Bert said he loves redheads.
How could you possibly afford to buy that?
We haven't got enough money for grub.
There's other pleasures in life
besides eating.
Just because there's snow on the roof
don't mean the fire's gone out.
Well, you wanna watch it.
The color your hair is,
you might get your fingers burned.
Go on, off you go.
Ah, you're a good boy.
Staying here all by yourself.
I don't mind, Mum.
-Enjoy yourself.
-[Mabel] Yeah.
[indistinct shouting]
[knocking on door]
[sultry music]
Can I come in?
But, of course. Do sit down.
Don't worry, we're on our own.
[disco music]
-[both laughing]
Why don't you take your coat off?
Make yourself comfortable.
Uncle Stan.
What do you want?
Can I watch?
No, you can't. Go back to bed.
Not until you tell me a story.
[disco music]
And then, the good cowboy shot
the wicked sheriff dead. Bang! Bang!
And he gathered
the beautiful girl up in his arms
and covered her with passionate kisses.
Lucky girl.
And they lived happily ever after.
That's it.
Can I have the first bit again?
No, you can't. Here, take that.
Come on, off to bed.
[sultry music]
There, now.
I've read you a lovely story, haven't I?
Now, you go to bed. There we are.
Tuck in. Right, now go to sleep.
Can't I come and sit with you?
No, you can't. Look, be a good boy.
Can I have my pistol?
Hey! What a good idea! Where is it?
Dad put it on top of the wardrobe.
On top of the wardrobe. I'll get it.
I've got it.
Look at that. Your new pistol.
Now go to sleep.
[door closes]
[mischievous music]
Look, we won't be bothered
with the kid anymore.
Come on.
It's very noisy in here.
I said, it's very noisy in here.
Arthur and Olive will be here for hours.
Let's go back to my chalet
and have a quiet drink.
What's the matter?
I thought I heard a noise
from the bedroom.
Oh, no. It can't be.
The kid's asleep, come on.
[Mabel laughing] Oh!
I didn't know you had company.
Oh, hello, Mum. This is Sandra.
-How do you do?
You should have let me know about this.
You didn't tell me you got a girl here.
For God's sake, I'm old enough, aren't I?
And while we're on the subject,
why'd you bring him back so early?
Well if you're old enough, so am I.
You're supposed to be
looking after little Arthur.
I better go and see he's all right.
I won't be a moment, love.
Sandra, I'm sorry about this.
Look, we'll soon get it sorted.
What's happened now?
I think I'd better go.
-[Bert] Me too. It's getting late.
-Look, hang on people.
Oh, I'd better take these with me
for another day.
Yes, you take them with you.
Listen, just wait
[Bert] Would you care for a beer?
[Mabel] Stan!
-Wait a minute.
-[Mabel] Stan, come quickly.
-[Mabel screaming] Stan!
-Just wait a minute.
Mum Mum, what are you--
Oh, no!
You naughty, naughty boy.
Here, how did you get hold of this pistol?
Uncle Stan gave it to me.
Oh, how could you, Stan?
Look at all the mess.
Look, I don't mind fair wear and tear,
but they'll never stand for this.
We'll have to pay for this damage.
We can't. We've got no money.
-God, I'll get the sack.
-I will.
Stan, what are we going to do?
Well, we'll have to scrounge some paint
and do it ourselves.
-I hope this is gonna work.
-Of course, it'll work. Who got the pram?
I want to walk. I want to walk.
I want to walk!
You can't walk. You're going to ride.
-Stop wriggling.
-There. Snug as a bug in a rug.
Right, let's take him for a little ride.
A fine holiday this is, isn't it, eh?
Nearly midnight
and I've been painting all day.
Oh, belt up! Ow!
Oh, sorry, Stan.
Well, watch it then.
Is it done yet? Only, I want to go to bed.
Listen, this new gloss paint
takes six hours to dry,
so keep the kid away from it.
Hark, who's talking.
It'll be all right. Mum and the kid
are sleeping in the next room.
Arthur and I will be in here.
Oh, Arthur, I think perhaps the smell
of paint might keep me awake all night.
Oh. The state my back's in,
nothing else will.
Nothing else ever does.
[clock ticking]
Arthur. Arthur!
No! I told you, I've got a bad back.
I want to go to the loo. Where's the lamp?
We moved it when we were painting.
I can't see anything.
There's a light switch by the door
on the right.
[Olive] I can't find it.
[Olive] Arthur, I can't find it.
Here. What are they up to in there?
[Olive] Arthur, you'll have to help me.
I can't find it.
Nothing if she can't find it.
[Olive] Where is it?
Where do you think it is? On the wall.
-[Olive] I've found it!
[suspenseful music]
Oh, dear.
You stupid, great lump!
[Arthur] What did you wanna put
your hands there for?
Now I shall have to go
right through that performance again!
With my back, you'll be the death of me.
Twice in two days.
[Arthur] Stupid, great lump.
Oh, what's she done to him?
Don't know.
It's disgusting.
Yeah, but while we're still awake,
what about you and me have--
You must be demented.
Get back to your own bed.
Saucy old bugger.
Right, well, that's the last
of the paint, so for goodness' sake,
don't mess it up this time.
Yeah, well I'm going to bingo with Olly,
so I'll leave you to clean the brushes.
Well it's hard luck on you. I've got
to meet Jack and take the bus out.
So you can clean the brushes up yourself.
Oh, well, we'll have a drink tonight then.
Yeah, right.
[nurse] Let me do it.
[romantic music]
Hey, look, Jack. Blakey's having sex.
Nah, she's just stringing him along
till they get married.
In the meantime,
she's having her last fling
with me.
-Well, straight up. Well, let's face it.
She's not going to get many flings
when she's married to Blakey, is she?
I'll tell you what.
If he finds out, mate, he'll kill you.
Don't worry about that, mate.
I've found the one safe place
where we don't get disturbed.
Where's that?
Oh, we got about half an hour
before the bus goes.
I just got time. Two can play at his game.
Oh, blimey.
Uh, do you mind, mate?
I'm in absolute agony. [groans]
Oh, you poor man.
You'd better come in at once.
I can't wait.
Neither can I.
[bike bell rings]
Hey, hey, no cycling
on the pathway. Come on.
[quiet suspenseful music]
All right, all right, it's all right.
I'm just going to have a word
with the nurse before she starts.
Oh, she's got someone
in here already, has she?
Yeah, some bloke with a bad leg.
-Eh? What another one?
It must be catching. [laughs]
She must be giving him treatment.
Yeah, bad leg.
Poor chap, he must be suffering,
mustn't he?
Yeah, she'll know what to do for him.
He couldn't be in better hands.
I'll come back when she's got more time.
Oh, that's a strong smell. What is it?
Well, we got back from bingo,
I found the brushes all hardened up.
Had to use petrol out
of my motorbike to clean them.
They all right?
Yeah, they're all right now.
Here, get rid of that down the whatsit.
Oh, here. Dear, we got to get rid
of the smell of that petrol.
Open that big window, love.
[toilet flushing]
Put it in the bin. We shan't want
it again, love. Here.
I've got a bit of food for lunch.
Oh, good.
-Hi, Mum.
-Hello, love.
I just popped in to see how the
painting is. I must go to the loo.
Thank you very much for leaving me
to do the brushes.
I had to take the bus out, didn't I?
Well, I'm supposed to be on holiday,
aren't I?
Oh, never mind about that now.
I want to talk to you lot about money.
Mum, let me go to the loo first.
Talk to me afterwards.
Right, well I'll tell you what I've done.
I've made out a budget.
We've got just enough money for food.
-[Blakey yelps]
Wally, what are you doing in there?
Here, I was sitting there,
when steam came out.
Eh? [laughs] What have you been eating?
Nothing. Come and have a look.
[Lily] Oh. What have you done?
[Wally] Nothing.
Oh, bit nasty.
[Stan] Cor, look at it!
But I flushed it.
You flushed it, and I flushed it.
But it's petrol, you idiot. You
can't flush it away. It floats to the top.
Do you realize
what you could've done to me?
He's quite right, you stupid, great lump.
-But, Arthur, it was you--
-Don't interrupt.
I mean, it might've been me sitting there.
Think what might've happened.
To you, it wouldn't have made
any difference.
Now, now.
Nobody's hurt, so it's all right.
What do you mean, it's all right?
Look at it. We'll have to pay
for all that lot, you know.
You know as well as I do
none of us has got any money.
I'll get the sack. I will this time.
Oh, God. What are we going to say?
I could say I put
too much carbolic down it.
You stand a better chance of saying
it wouldn't take Olive's weight.
[knocking on door]
Here. Who's that? Right.
Could we perhaps stick it together?
Oh, it's the inspector!
Deny everything!
Oh, come in, Inspector.
It's the inspector.
-Hello, Blakey.
I was just coming up the road,
and the drains blew up in my face.
Did they?
Boom, in my face.
It was horrible and all, I tell you.
I know what caused it.
An accumulation of marsh gas.
Caused a chain reaction.
[all] Yeah.
I've I've got some bad news for you,
I'm afraid.
Tonight's exhibition of old time dancing
is off.
-Oh, no. What a shame.
-Oh, what a shame.
Yeah, one of the couples had to fall out.
We haven't got a complete team.
I'm sorry.
If you'll excuse me,
I better get going. Clean off.
-[Mabel] Yes, come on, I'll see you out.
-[all] Bye, bye, bye.
-[Mabel] Goodbye, Inspector.
-[Stan] Cheerio, Blakey, cheerio.
[heavy sigh]
Stan, phew.
-Blimey, that was a close one.
-Weren't we lucky?
Right, now, clever dick,
what are we going to do about the toilet?
Right, I'll tell you what
I've been thinking. Now
Look, if we can keep Blakey out the way
for a couple of hours this evening,
me and Jack can nip into the stores,
pick up a new loo
without banging into him.
Well, you and Olive will have
to make up the dancing team.
-Oh, lovely!
-You must be mad, mate.
I'm not making a fool of myself in public.
Besides, we haven't got the clothes.
Oh, the entertainment's manager can give
you the fancy gear.
Oh, come on, mate, you can do it.
I mean, you and Olive used to do it
at the Pally.
-Yeah, we did, Arthur.
-[Mabel] Oh, yes, it was lovely.
No, no, no, no. No, I'm sorry.
Olive and I haven't performed together
for far too long.
Well, that's true.
Blimey, I was only asking
you do the military two-step,
not the last tango in Paris.
Besides, you've got no choice.
So go and find him and tell him.
-And now, ladies and gentlemen,
let's have a big welcome
for your own, old time dancing team,
trained by that popular member
of our security staff,
Inspector Blake, himself.
Here they are.
[fanfare music]
-[crowd laughing]
[old-timey music starts]
-What are you doing?
-My girdle's gone.
Get up, get up.
[crowd laughing]
Uncross your legs and start again.
[music starts again]
Managed to get it right this time.
-It is not my fault.
-I thought you were the dancer.
-I can't help that my girdle's gone.
-Showing us up in front of the whole hall.
[music continues]
-[Arthur] What's happened now?
-It's my bracelet.
It's caught in your cufflink.
Just separate, separate!
-Now what is it?
-My glasses, I've lost my glasses.
Leave your glasses.
-[glasses crunch]
-They're not much good now, are they?
-[crowd laughing]
[crowd cheering]
Oh, Arthur.
That's my shirt.
We're leaving.
[Stan] Hold that for a minute.
-[Jack] Careful, it's heavy, mate.
-[Stan] I've got to shut the door.
Here. You sure we got the right one?
Well, I didn't exactly try the size.
It's all the same, aren't they? Come on.
Here, what happens
if we bump into someone?
Tell them we won it at bingo.
Let's hope old Blakey is still
tripping the light fantastic.
It's not far.
Look out, there's someone coming.
Quick, hide it in the bushes.
[indistinct singing]
Well, I never!
Here, Lil, Lil, Lil!
Come and look. You'll never believe it.
[indistinct whispering]
[Lily] What are you talking about?
Tell you, it's so lovely. It's marvelous.
They think of everything.
And here, we've got a loo in the bushes
in case you get caught short.
-Go on, where?
It's gone.
You're drunk. Go on, you great big berk.
No, it was there.
Well, that's it. Well, we've got it here.
We'll have to come back tomorrow
and plumb it up with Arthur.
Yeah, well he's going to be annoyed.
He's got it, but it's not much use to him.
-That's the story of Arthur's life.
-[both laughing]
-[Wally] I'm not drunk.
-[Lily] Come on.
I came back early 'cause I thought
you might fancy a bit of the old fandango.
You must be out of your mind.
It's listening to them two next door
what's giving you these ideas.
Yeah, well, that's Olive's
a nice, fleshy bird. I could fancy her.
If any bird wanted
to have it off with you,
she'd have to give you
three weeks' notice, in writing.
Yeah, leave. I'll have you on the floor
in about two minutes.
I told you, I'm not speaking to you.
Showing me up like that.
But I want to go to the loo.
The new one's not fitted yet.
There is one in the main building.
Will you come with me?
Don't talk wet.
I can't find my way without my glasses.
You know I broke them.
You go to the main building and turn left.
Good night.
[distant laughter]
Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me the way
to the ladies--
Oh, it's all right. I'll follow her.
[Blake] Oi! Get out! Get out!
But I'm, I'm ever so sorry!
In there, go on.
Disturbing my ablutions.
Don't stop, do they?
Oh, Arthur. Shall I take my nightie off?
Here, who the hell are you?
Oh! No, no, no!
Oh, what's going on here?
It's a mistake. I'm sorry.
A mistake, you brazen hussy?
No, no, I couldn't see. I'm sorry.
Yes, I know. I've heard it all before.
Out, go on, out. Come here, you.
No wonder you make
me take my sleeping tablets.
You're a sex maniac, you beast.
Poor old Olive's love life
never goes right.
Mine does.
The more treatment she gives me,
the weaker I feel.
You want to watch it, mate.
Old Blakey's behind me.
Here. For you Stanley,
I have something special.
Steak and kidney.
Thank you.
[Jack] You're all right there, mate.
Listen, I've been chatting her up
for the past few days.
Think I'm all right there, mate.
She's gone for me in a big way.
Ah, you lucky devil.
That hot-blooded Italian bit.
Hey. I've given you double portion
of kidneys.
Thanks, darling.
Listen, dear, what are you doing tonight?
Tonight? Oh, well
Look at Butler.
He's only trying to get off
with that Italian girl now.
-You better warn him.
Her brother's the chef.
Him. Luigi.
Come here.
[Maria speaking Italian] What is it?
[speaking Italian] I need to speak to you.
[speaking Italian] Go into the kitchen.
[speaking Italian] Go, go, go.
He goes mad if he thinks
a man's after his sister.
-Does he?
He's sworn to protect her honor
while she's in England.
Caught one of the staff
with her earlier on in the season.
He nearly killed him.
Did he?
I've got to go. I'm back on duty.
But you'd better warn Stan.
Oh, yes, I will.
I will have a word with him.
Go get us another cup, mate, will you?
-Oh, Butler!
Eh, I'd just like to say, um
I'd just like to say,
I'm pleased to see you've got
a nice girlfriend at last.
Oh, thanks, Blakey.
I must say, she looks very passionate.
I think I'm going to get something there.
From what I've heard, you will.
[speaking Italian]
I'm going to cut his throat!
[speaking Italian] I'm your sister,
but I'm old enough to do whatever I want!
[speaking Italian] If I see you with him,
I'll cut his throat.
[speaking Italian] Let me go.
Hello, mate. What's all the gear then?
What's all this?
Listen, I've got a date
with that Italian bird, Maria.
-You haven't.
-I have. All evening, on our own.
Cor, wait here.
Where you going to take her then?
You'll never believe this.
The manager's house.
What? No, not old Coombs' place?
-Coombs' place.
-How did you work that?
Look, he's taking his missus
to the pictures.
Now, Maria said she'll clean up for him.
Told me to meet her there
at eight o'clock.
We've got the place
to ourselves up till 11.
Crafty, mate, crafty.
Mind you, I've got to play it clever
'cause she's a very shy bird.
-Come on, take off your coat.
-[romantic Italian music]
Oh, yes, all right.
Here's your vodka, Mabel, my dear.
Oh, ta.
It's another double, so watch it.
It's your seventh.
I'll just go and get my beer.
She's pouring it out.
-Here, dears. Enjoy yourselves.
Here, he thinks he's getting me tipsy.
I don't know what he's got in his mind.
But you never know your luck!
Cheers, Ma.
Aw, ain't it a pity
Stan's got to work tonight.
He never gets much enjoyment.
[speaking Italian] Stanley, my love.
Kiss me, embrace me.
-[Maria speaking Italian]
-What are you doing?
[speaking Italian] Hold me close to you,
I can't take it anymore.
[speaking Italian] I'm dying of envy.
Listen, I don't know what you're
talking about. I get the general idea.
Listen, listen, listen. It's them.
No, no. It can't be them.
They've only been gone ten minutes.
Let go of me! Let go!
It is them!
[sneaky music]
[Stan] I'll get the sack. Where's my coat?
They mustn't see you. Go into the kitchen.
Yeah, OK. Kitchen.
My coat, I've got it on inside out.
No, not this way. That way.
What do you mean? The kitchen's upstairs?
Yes, the house is on a hill.
Oh, good. I'll go through the back door.
No, no, no. The back door is locked.
Get out through the milk hatch.
The milk hatch. Milk hatch.
Thank you, Maria.
My wife is starting one of her headaches,
so we decided to come back.
Oh, God, I'm stuck now.
[dog barking]
No. Now, good dog.
[nervous laughter]
Oh, no, no.
Cor blimey, your collar.
Oh, no. Let me get out first.
[Stan] Oh, your claws!
[dog barking]
Hey. Go away, dog.
[shooing] Away dog.
[panting] Oh, thank God for that.
I don't know what he'd have done next.
Quick, you must get out.
I can't get out. I'm stuck, look.
You'll have to give me a hand. Pull me.
Pull. No, no, no. Stop pulling.
Push, push.
Push hard. Listen, listen, listen.
It's no good.
I'll have to get out through a window.
All the windows are fixed
with a special lock. You need a key.
But how am I going to get out?
You must try and get the key.
I should listen to my mum. I'd be having
a nice, quiet drink in the bar.
Is your son babysitting
in the chalet tonight?
No, he had to go to work.
Still, keeps him out of trouble.
How would you like me to get you into it?
[laughs] Bert!
[Mrs. Coombs]
George, where's the shower cap?
[Mr. Coombs] Don't know, dear.
Could you pass me the soap,
please, darling?
Keys. Where would they put the keys?
[sneaky music continues]
Well, I'm not taking a shower
if you can't find the shower cap.
Anyway, I'm going to bed.
I've still got a bit of a headache.
[Mrs. Coombs] George, I do hope
you're not going to be too long in there.
Can I say, this mattress is getting
awfully lumpy.
Told you before that
it's falling to pieces.
There's no give in it at all.
There's a big lump in the middle.
George, do you have to do that?
Did you say something, dear?
Nothing. Go to sleep.
[crickets chirping]
Thank you. Morning, love.
Morning, my darling.
-Morning, mate.
-Hi, Jack.
Here, how did you get on with Maria
last night?
-Eh? What?
-Hey, what's up with your face?
What happened?
Oh, that! That's nothing.
That's just a scratch.
Oh, yeah. Got sharp fingernails, has she?
It was a mattress spring.
Mattress? Oh, blimey.
You must have had a right orgy.
Hey, Blakey, you hear that?
-Stan's been out with that Maria bird.
-Oh, yeah?
She was cleaning out the manager's house.
He was alone with her all evening.
Was he?
How did you get on then,
Butler, all right?
Well, of course, I did. You know me.
And you know
how hot-blooded these Italians are.
Yes, I do.
I think I'll go and get myself
another cup of tea.
-Ah, well. See you later, mate.
-Oh, yeah.
Hey, Stanley. Stanley. Come here.
I don't believe you.
He told me so himself.
I'm not one to cause trouble,
but I thought you ought to know about it.
Nice girl and all, isn't she, eh?
Look at my face.
Oh, poor Stanley.
Never mind, darling.
I give you another breakfast.
[speaking Italian] This junk.
That's what I said.
I'll see he never does it again.
It's a good idea.
It's a very good idea, that is.
Look, look.
She's feeding him up now, look.
-Oh, building me up for the next time, eh?
For him, there will be no next time.
Hey, Butler.
Come here. I have something for you too.
[Luigi] Come, please.
That's nice of him, isn't it, Blakey?
What's he got?
Go and have a look.
-[indistinct shouting]
-That'll teach him. [laughs]
-What are you going to do?
-Little pig, this one. Get out of there.
Get out! You have dishonored my sister.
I'll make sure you don't do it again.
-Like that!
Yes, like that.
Yes, like that.
Oh, lovely. He's cutting him short.
That'll stop his gallop.
This is the last insult, you sick
[indistinct shouting in Italian]
-[shouting in Italian] Leave him alone !
-Let go!
[shouting in Italian] I got you.
-[shouting in Italian] Stop it.
-Let go!
[shouting in Italian] Leave it to me!
[shouting in Italian] I tell you
to leave him alone!
Give it to him! Give it to him!
[shouting in Italian] You will kill him!
[shouting in Italian] I will show you!
[yelps in pain]
Here, if I was you lot, I wouldn't have
any soup today.
-[shouting in Italian]
-Oh, it's boiling!
-No, no, no!
-[shouting in Italian]
[shouting in Italian]
Where do I put him? There!
[shouting in Italian] Let him go!
Cook, what is going on here?
Leave him alone.
He ruined the reputation of my sister.
-I didn't. I didn't.
-Yes, you did.
-It was in your house last night.
He's going to get the sack.
It's made my day, that has. Oh God.
Gave me quite an appetite.
I think I will have a breakfast now.
So you see, Butler was never in our house.
We were only away for ten minutes.
-Yes, but--
-If you don't believe me,
go and ask my wife.
No, no. I believe you.
Who told you this pack of lies?
The security inspector.
He's the one that ruined her reputation.
Look, I'm terribly sorry about this.
-You lying swine.
[speaking Italian] You ruined my sister!
What you talking about? What you saying?
[speaking Italian]
And in Italy, I will kill you!
[cackling laughter]
Oh, Blakey, this has made my day.
Ow, my foot.
Did you see I'm seriously having
That's what he did to my arm.
Never mind, those bruises will be gone
in no time.
Oh, good. Here, how's my face?
Oh, that's nothing.
That'll be gone by tomorrow.
I thought Luigi was going to kill me.
I managed to get myself
another pair of trousers. But Jack
Look what he did to my jacket. Look.
Leave it, love.
I'll get it cleaned for you.
-Oh, that's good of her, isn't it?
-Yeah, our Jane's very obliging.
Yeah, well, I think it's time
I had a bit of treatment.
-Come on, here.
-Stop it, Jack.
At least let me get the sign up.
Ten minutes! Cor, blimey, what a cheek.
Here, I can do better than that.
Unacceptable, Blake.
You still haven't given me a satisfactory
explanation of what happened this morning.
Well, I don't even understand it
myself, sir.
I didn't half hurt my hand when that
Italian chef attacked me, you know.
Do you mind if I go and see the nurse now?
All right. But I haven't much sympathy.
And in future, don't make allegations
about other people.
Well, I was sure that Butler was
up to something with that girl, you know.
You seem to have sex on the brain, Blake.
Get off to the nurse.
[Mr. Coombs] Hello, madam. Ah, hello.
Here, here. The nurse is out.
You'll have to wait.
Oh, no. Oh, well, I only want a little bit
of liniment to rub on my hand.
I'll use my pass key.
[nurse] Oh, don't. Stop it.
Oh, you are a sexy beast.
Kiss me again. You are getting me going.
What's going on in there, eh? Who is it?
-Blimey, it's Blake.
-[Blake] Open up.
I know you're in there.
You've got somebody in there with you,
haven't you, eh? Who is it?
Come back here. You had a man in here,
you trollop!
Now Cyril, don't be silly.
Is that his coat? I'll find out who he is.
It says Butler. I'll fix him!
It wasn't him.
Don't you lie to me you you
Mind how you go.
Don't hurt yourselves, will you?
Butler. I want you a minute.
Oh, yeah, what do you want?
I'm going to kill you.
You're going to kill me? What for?
-You know what for, you randy, little rat.
-I dunno what you're talking about.
Don't be daft. I don't know what you're
What do you mean "you randy, little rat"?
I haven't done anything.
I'm gonna make sure you never get
a chance of doing it again.
Wait a minute. Hold on. Mind your foot.
Never mind my foot, mate.
Cyril! Cyril, please don't.
-What've I done?
-You know what you've done.
Now, listen, Blakey.
Cyril, stop it. I can explain.
Yeah, you drove me mad.
[comedic music]
You're not getting away
as easy as all that, mate.
Blakey, Blakey! Blakey, listen.
-Come back here.
-Look, Blakey.
-[Blake] I'm not hanging off.
-[Stan] I don't know what I've done.
Tell me what I've done.
What are you doing in the water then?
Help! Help!
-[Blake] I'm gonna kill you, mate.
-[Stan] Honest, mate.
No jury in the world will convince me.
[Stan] Look, I just don't know
what I'm supposed to have done, you see?
-If you let me
-It's no use, mate,
-I'll follow you to the edge of the world.
-Give it to him.
[Blake] Edge of the world.
Don't help him.
[Stan] Thanks, son.
[mischievous music]
[nurse] Cyril! Cyril, please.
It's a mistake. You've got it all wrong.
[Blake] Get off ! Get off!
[nurse] Nothing went on.
You've got it all wrong.
Let go. Let go!
Now, stop that mate!
Have you gone mad? Get up.
In the army,
we had pills for men like you,
but as we don't happen to have them here,
and I have no alternative but
to terminate your employment forthwith.
-Now, get out.
-Eh? You don't understand.
-Get out!
-I wouldn't do a thing like that.
Oh. Oh, what's the use?
Oh, I'll go then. I'll go.
[sad music]
You wouldn't give me my stick, would you?
Come on, my dear. You come with me.
Ma, will you please hurry up? The dance
will be over by the time we get there.
Oh, well, just a minute, love.
I've got to do my face, haven't I?
It's the farewell ball.
I want to look nice.
Oh, I haven't got my mascara on.
Wait a minute, love.
Where's my glasses? That's it.
Now, then. Won't be a minute.
That's it. Now, then.
How can you possibly apply mascara
with your glasses on?
Oh, well, I do.
Well, that's why it generally ends up
on the end of your nose.
-Oh, shut up. Come on, zip me up, please.
Oh, that'll be Bert. Here, I can't wait.
One minute. Come on, get out of the way.
Come in, Bert.
-Are you all ready, my little darling?
Ah, give us an old goozer.
-[Bert] Oh, how are you?
Here, I've been practicing.
Do you know, this is our last chance
to have a little rock 'n' roll.
Oh, that's a great idea.
But I think we ought to go
to the dance first.
[Mabel] Oh, Bert.
By the grace of God, I'll have
to go to confession in the morning.
Oh, Arthur, did you hear that?
Yes, well don't let it give you any ideas.
[upbeat dance music]
Here. Your mother's enjoying herself.
She's a fool to herself.
He'll be worn out by the time
she gets him back to the chalet.
Hello, love.
I liked you better in your nightie.
What's that he's saying?
Oh Oh, nothing, Arthur.
[slow dance music]
Here. Here, sunshine.
Yes, Arthur.
I can't think why, but I quite fancy you.
Oh, Arthur.
Cor, blimey. I never thought
I'd live to see the day.
-Right, but she'll kill him.
[low-tempo, romantic music]
Wake up, Arthur.
Arthur. Wake up!
Arthur! You pig!
-Ciao, Bert.
-Cheers, mate.
Now, here we are.
This must be the last batch.
Yeah. Go on then. Looks a bit iffy
now they're all going.
-Never mind, darling.
-[horn honks]
[Jack] Ta-ta.
Oh, here we are.
Look, here comes the family.
Here, Olive's been crying all morning.
What happened to her last night?
Nothing. That's why she's crying.
[motorbike engine]
I think Mum did all right.
Mind you, I dunno what she was up to.
But he cut another notch
in his walking stick.
-Hello there!
I'll keep in touch.
[upbeat music]
Arthur, look. It's over there, Arthur.
[strained growl]
You stupid, great lump.
Look what you made me do now.
I'm sorry, Arthur.
What were you trying to tell me?
I was only trying to tell you that there
is where we lost our luggage
on the way here.
Another story for the tour.
Come on, let's have you.
Easy. There you go, girl.
Go on then, handsome.
That's the way. Have a lovely holiday.
[chuckles] Here, mate.
There's a couple of crackers just arrived.
I've been chatting them up
on the way here.
Oh, look. Here they come now.
-There you go. This is my mate, Stan.
There, love. I've just been telling
the girls about that mystery tour
you're taking them on tonight.
What mystery tour?
I ain't got a mystery tour.
Of course, you have.
The moonlight mystery tour.
By the sea. On the beach.
Oh, that one. Oh, yes.
Yeah, about nine o'clock, OK, girls?
Yeah, fine.
All right then. Come on, Betty.
-Here. Hey, Jack. Jack, come here.
Listen. You mean to say we're going
to take the bus out on our own?
Of course, we are.
Well, how far are we going to go?
As far as they'll let us.
Let's hope it's a long trip, eh?
[slow music]
[waves crashing]
[Stan moans] Oh, dear.
Here, have I got you going?
No, I'm sitting on my matches.
Oh, I could just do with a fag.
I've left them in the cab.
I'll go and get you one then.
All right.
[comedic music]
-[Stan] Hey, Jack! Pack it in!
-[Jack] What?
[Stan] We're sinking in the sand.
-[Jack] You're joking!
-[Stan] No, I'm not joking. We're in the--
Eh? I'll try and move it.
[engine revving]
[Jack] Hurry up! Girls, girls!
Come on, push hard.
-[Stan] Push!
-[Jack] Come on, push harder!
[Stan] That's it, come on!
[indistinct yelling]
Oh, it's no good, mate. It won't move.
Well, what we going to do?
We'll have to walk home.
Oh, thanks very much.
That's very nice, I must say.
-Come on, Bett, we'll thumb a lift home.
Well, we couldn't help it, girls.
We didn't know this was going to happen.
Ah, no, mate, we'll have to come back
in the morning.
Are you potty or something? I've got
to take a tour out tomorrow morning.
Well, that's all right.
We'll come back early.
By then, the tide will be right out,
and the sand will be as firm as a rock.
-Will it?
Well, we'll have to come back
before breakfast.
Of course we will.
-Well, come on then.
-All right.
-[dramatic snare drum music]
-[Stan panting] I hope it's all right.
Well, of course it is.
I studied the tides when I did
my national service. You just wait.
[dramatic music]
-I can see you studied the tides.
-Yeah, well
[Jack] The tide's going out.
We're just an hour too early.
-[dramatic snare drum music]
-[Stan] You'd better be right this time.
[Jack] Yeah, well,
see, it's the spring tides,
and I forgot to allow
an extra hour for summertime.
I'm telling you, by now,
that bus will be high and dry.
[dramatic music]
Oh, well, that's it then.
Oh, well. Here we are.
-Back on the old labor again.
Blimey, that job didn't last long, did it?
Well, at least I got the manager to give
us two weeks' money.
Yeah, and that's all gone now,
and I need another job quick.
-Come on, mate. Don't hang about.
Blakey! Blimey, we've had it now.
Now, what do you want?
You're not looking for a job, are you?
Good. Because I've got nothing for you.
Oh, come on, Blakey.
Surely, you've got a job for a driver?
-Oh, come on.
-[Blake] Hang about!
Just a minute.
Here's a job for a driver like you.
Someone who's always smashing things up.
[main theme plays]