Holidays (2016) Movie Script
Holidays
coach
all right, up you go, Max!
Yah! Up you go, maxi-pad!
Knock it off, Heidi.
Oh, my god.
Whoo! Here we go, Max!
Bring me that brick!
C'mon now!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad!
You know what
you have to do, maxi.
Looks like someone wants a kiss!
Ooh!
Well?
Well, what? He loves me.
He didn't give you detention?
Detention? Please, girl.
How he gon' give me detention when he
knows we gon' set this up on Friday!
Huh?
Well, no, Valentine's is, uh,
Valentine's is tonight...
Why... why would we go Friday?
Well, I can't do Friday.
Well, no, you know,
the, the talent show.
Talent show fund raiser
no, no, the talent show that the
kids organized for my operation.
Aw.
Did you really think
Mr. Rockwell was trying
to kiss your little rat lips?
Hmm?
Hmm?
Hey! I'm talking to you,
maxi-pad.
No, no, I know, but, you
know, it's a nice gesture,
you know how much
these kids love me.
Not like that.
No, they look up
to me, Kim, all right.
And I'd be a real jerk to ditch out on
my own fundraiser, don't you think?
You really think
he'd go for you?
Over me?
Just wait until he sees the twerking routine
we came up with for the talent show.
Real Nicki Minaj shit.
That's fine. No, no, no,
you know what, that's great.
Ya, I love you too.
Heart and lung foundation
Mr, Rockwell,
we regret to inform
what are you doing
to get him a new heart?
Did you organize a talent show?
Are you gonna perform
something? Hmm?
Ooh, I know. How about a
little game of show and tell?
First you show everybody your
little friend, Mr. box cutter.
And then just watch
as those donations pour in
when you tell them it's the
same toy your dear dead daddy
killed himself with.
I gotta meet Rick.
Uh, you're not going
to go take a shower?
No, I'll take one at home.
I heard this one has rats in it.
To Maxine coach Rockwell
maxi pad
to Maxine coach Rockwell
to Maxine love coach Rockwell
stop following me, maxi-pad.
You're acting really weird
today, even for you.
Well, go ahead.
Well, I'm gonna cut through the woods.
See you tomorrow.
Happy Valentine's day.
What are you doing?
You don't even live this way.
Stop following me.
Now look what you did!
I... I... I was just kidding.
We're going to be late.
Well, I thought
I had until Friday.
Why would you think that?
Valentine's day is tonight!
Give me your heart
happy Valentine's day
written and directed by
Kevin Kolsch
and Dennis Widmyer
shamrocks. Irish dancing.
Parades of green.
These are some of the images
that come to mind when we think
of St. Patrick's day.
On weekends I play with my
magical whores
but who exactly
was St. Patrick?
And how did he deliver
the word of god to Ireland?
Horse
a land once in the grip of druids,
pagans, and devil Worshippers?
According to legend,
Patrick banished all of the snakes from
Ireland by tossing them into the sea.
Although evidence suggests there
were no snakes in Ireland
during the 5th century.
Most scholars believe this
to be a metaphor.
St. Patrick's expulsion
of the pagans and mystics.
Long may Ireland let slip from
memory its paganistic days of old.
Hiya, Grainne.
That's very pretty.
Who is it for?
Okay.
Look. I know
how hard change is,
coming to a new school,
not having any friends.
But I bet if you were to show us
that smile just for a second,
it would make all the
difference in the world.
Do you know what?
I have an idea.
Would you like to ring
the lunch bell?
Only your deepest wish
can make me smile
hiya, it's me.
I can't chat for long.
I'm here waiting for Sam.
He's insisted I park away from
the school because apparently
I'm not cool.
He's like, "mum, it's not
authentic if I smile."
Yeah, it's your holy communion
photo, not the dogme 95 movement.
My doctor actually recommended
I get new contact lenses with
"hope" printed on the insides.
Apparently clinical trials
suggest it may help
the cynical wheel of
self-loathing from turning.
I hate myself.
Anyway, I can't wait to see you
this weekend for paddy's day.
We'll get fucked up, yeah?
Find you a man?
Day 1
Liz, where are ya?
I went back to the bar but there
was no sign of you and that
Danny Zuko wannabe
you were talking to.
Would you call me, you think?
I'd like you to pick
your favorite book,
write a page about
why you like it,
and score the book out of ten.
Hand in date is
two weeks from today.
Okay, everybody,
page 38, circles.
Day 13
fuck! Hiya, Grainne.
What?
Now, hang on.
That's not very
appropriate, Grainne.
Mrs. Cullen?
You are pregnant.
I fucking knew it!
I just can't believe it!
Oh! I've waited
so long for this.
However,
we're not certain with what.
Well, if it's a boy or a girl,
that doesn't matter to me.
We'd like to run
some further tests.
Although, if the results
indicate a false positive,
we'd need to operate
immediately and remove it.
I'm pregnant.
Ooh.
Did... did you understand
what I said?
Mmm-hmm, it's totally
grand, boy or girl,
whatever I get, I'm happy.
I am so happy.
Were you with somebody recently,
or some animal of some kind?
No.
Okay, have you ever seen the
Hollywood movie Rosemary's baby?
Yeah.
If you replace '"baby"
with "reptile",
that's what you have.
It's like Rosemary's reptile.
Huh?
The story of prince Lindworm
brother, prince, snake
book report
love this tale of terror
ten out of ten
Grainne, what is this?
Grainne, what is this?
Grainne, what is this?
Stop smiling!
Day 366
nan just called.
She says you look like a 25-year-old
woman from the middle ages,
spliced with
a mentally ill circle.
I'm booking an appointment
with Dublin zoo.
There's no excuses
this time, Liz.
Hi, can I help you
with anything?
I'm, I'm really sorry. That's
not really, that's not...
That's not really okay.
I'm sorry. I'm just going
to have to take that.
I'm sorry. You're going
to have to leave.
What the fuck
are you thinking, Liz?
The zoo just called, they said you
never turned up for your appointment.
I know you're probably saying to yourself,
"what if the vet's got it wrong?"
Let me impart some important advice I
learned a long time ago, the hard way.
Vets don't get things wrong.
Giving birth to a snake
is not only suicide,
it's probably the most
wrong-headed thing ever attempted
in the field of human endeavor.
The only thing you have to do to make
our family happy is just come home.
Alone.
Shh.
Shh.
It'll all be over soon,
I promise.
Shh. Shh.
I need you to help me
get clean of this, okay?
Horrible, isn't it?
You cannot remember.
But you can't forget.
Grainne, this is your father?
Danny fucking Zucko?
Our little boy is waiting.
Look, I know you think she's
different, but she's not.
She'll run a mile when
she claps eyes on him.
Just wanted a normal baby.
It's not fair.
Blah blah blah.
But just look
how quickly she forgets.
Don't make me laugh.
She's the same
as the rest of them.
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.
He'd be so damn ugly.
You'd be so beautiful.
Very good, little one.
Very good.
Let's go!
I bet there's a whole lotta
disenchanted folk out there
just waiting for a bouncing snake
to lighten up their lives.
I bet if we tap into that
lonely miserable demographic,
in a few short years
and a bit of luck,
we might just hit
pre-Patrick numbers.
Oh, my beautiful baby!
Only your deepest wish
can make me smile
st Patrick's day greetings
happy
St. Patrick's day
written and directed by
Gary shore
time to close your eyes
and go to sleep.
It's a special day tomorrow.
Someone's coming tonight.
I'll give you a hint.
He's furry.
And he hops.
And you wake up in the
morning and you get...
Candy eggs and candy chicks.
Yes. But here's the thing.
No kid has ever seen him.
Because all the kids are supposed
to be asleep when he comes. Okay?
Okay.
Okay. Close your eyes.
Wait.
I'm scared.
Why? Are you afraid you're
going to have a bad dream?
The man coming back
from the dead.
What man?
Jesus.
In church they said that Easter was
about him coming back from being dead.
What about the Easter bunny?
Is he dead too?
No, the Easter bunny's
different.
Is Jesus real?
Yeah, he was real.
- He was?
- Yeah.
But he was a good man.
And you know what?
Yes, he died, but when he came
back, that was a good thing.
It was a miracle
that he came back.
He flew up into the stars and he
went back where he came from.
And he lives in our hearts now.
It's kind of like a scary
version of e.T.
Yeah, but he wasn't a story,
he was real.
What about the Easter bunny?
Well, the Easter bunny
comes on Easter.
But I thought that's when
Jesus came back from the dead.
Uh...
No, it's... that's different.
I don't understand, mommy.
Oh, honey, just close your
eyes and go to sleep.
And tomorrow you are going
to wake up and there will be
candy chicks and eggs
and yummy stuff.
But what if I'm awake
when he comes?
What if I get up
and get a glass of water?
It's okay to get
a glass of water.
No, but what if he's here?
What if I see him?
Shh. Honey. Just go to sleep.
Mommy.
How does he get in the house?
Shh.
Okay.
I'm gonna count to three,
and I want those eyes shut.
All right? One.
Two.
Three.
You're going to wake up tomorrow and
it's going to be exactly like last year.
Mommy?
Last year, daddy was here.
Will he ever come back?
Maybe.
Go to sleep, baby.
Mommy?
This is a dream.
You're not real.
Touch me.
No child has ever seen me.
I won't... I won't tell anyone
I saw you.
I promise.
But now that you've seen me.
Now it is your turn.
You must take my place.
Take... take your place?
You will see things
few have ever seen.
Magical things.
But what if...
What if I don't want to?
You have no choice.
Can I... can I come back
and see my mommy?
Where you're going, you will never
see your mommy ever, ever again.
Now close your eyes.
Honey?
Honey?
Honey?
Best Easter wishes
happy Easter
written and directed by
Nicholas McCarthy
you know, there are only a few
days in any woman's cycle
where she's capable of
conceiving.
And you're on,
generic high dose progestin?
Do you take it
at the same time every day?
Mmm-hmm.
- You're sure?
He wears two condoms.
Hmm?
I ask him to wear two condoms.
Sometimes three.
And you've terminated
nearly 20 pregnancies?
I've stopped counting.
- I'm sorry, I...
- It's okay.
I've been to see
so many doctors.
My family won't talk to me.
My friends think I'm insane,
or making it up, or just...
It's...
It's like I'm cursed.
I don't usually do this.
But it does feel like you've
exhausted all other options.
I'm going to give you
my sister's phone number.
She volunteers at these weekend fertility
ceremonies in the high desert.
Maybe she can give you some sort of insight
that the rest of us haven't been able to.
Thank you. Thank you.
It's probably not for me,
but I appreciate it.
Kate, if what
you've told me is true
then I don't think conventional
medicine can help you.
What happens at the ceremony?
Well, um, have you ever
participated in a peyote ceremony
or ayahuasca, or any
kind of ceremonial medicine?
Well, no.
It can be an intense experience.
Um, but if you're open to it, I think
that you can really learn something.
I know I'm going to get
pregnant this time.
I know it. I know it.
Sometimes it takes many times
to come here before you do.
I think you have
to let go of the trying.
Yeah, I get nervous sometimes.
Make yourself at home. The
ceremony will start in an hour.
How old are you?
Twenty-four.
What's the rush?
I'm actually not trying
to have a baby right now.
Then what are you doing here?
I get pregnant
every time I have sex.
Sounds rough.
No. No. No. No.
You are a gateway.
No, I have to go home.
No, I have to get out of here.
No, I have to go home.
No, I don't want to be here.
It's just the medicine. Trust it.
It's just the medicine.
Every time you end
the life inside of you,
it will come back stronger.
Sleep
sleep, little bird
when the time comes
do not resist
do not say no
good morning, sleepyhead.
Do you want a bath today?
Yeah.
Okay.
One, two, three, up.
Okay.
You're gonna be
such a good mama.
You've been very patient.
I think we need to
increase her dose.
No, we can't give her
more than three drops.
It's not good for the baby.
Lily, she's fine.
- Morning.
- Sister.
Started getting
so hot out there.
Yeah, it always heats up in may.
Happy mother's day, mama.
We're almost there.
Blood pressure is a little high.
Has anybody tried
calling her phone?
No, poor girl.
How's she been this week?
Not so good. I mean, we could
use you around here more often.
Well, I can't spend all
my time out here,
I'm going back and forth
enough as it is.
Well, you don't know what it's like here.
It's really hard.
I am here every weekend.
I'm going back and forth.
Yeah, well, I think you should
stay with her from here on out.
It's the last month.
I can't take a whole month
off of work, Lily.
God damn it, you idiot!
Don't yell at her.
No wonder she has high blood
pressure, living here with you guys.
She can't hear us anyways.
It's okay. Come on.
Come with me. Come on.
Okay.
Classical or contemporary today?
I'm feeling contemporary.
911, what's your emergency?
My name is Kate Polson.
I'm... I've been kidnapped.
I can't hear you, miss,
can you speak up?
I need help.
Fire, ambulance, or police?
Police, please. Please hurry.
What's the address?
Oh. Um...
It's like, it's a house. Um, ten
miles north of the highway.
It's a... ah!
Oh, god!
Be careful.
- Careful!
That was stupid, look what you did!
What's happening?
She's going in to labor,
that's what's happening.
God. Okay.
Just breathe.
Just breathe.
The more you accept it,
the easier it will be.
All right, come on,
just push. Push for me.
- Good girl.
Push, Kate. Push.
Almost there, almost there.
Dearest mother
happy mother's day
written and directed by
Sarah Adina Smith
probably not.
Yeah, I'm going to be here grading
these papers all weekend.
Yeah, I know, it's 52 this year.
Happy father's day
hi, Carol.
It's me. Your daddy.
I'm so sorry.
Daddy had to leave you.
I never loved anything
more than you.
You were my miracle.
I wanted so badly
for you to come with me.
For us to be together.
Your mother and I,
we just didn't see things
the same way.
It's so important that
you know it wasn't your fault.
And that you know that I am
so, so sorry
I wasn't there for you.
If you're hearing this message,
I, I can't imagine the pain
that I've caused you.
But it's not too late
for us to be together.
I left this message in trust
with good people.
I told them to give this to
you when you were old enough,
strong enough.
I didn't want
to leave you there all alone.
It wasn't my choice.
So, if you want to see me,
to find me,
continue where we left off,
I can be there for you now.
If you're ready.
Just go to where
we played that day,
our last day together.
Go there, turn the tape over,
press play and I will guide you.
You will always be my baby,
no matter what you choose.
I just hope you'll have
it in you to forgive me.
Remember, daddy loves you
forever, Carol.
This isn't fair.
This isn't fucking fair.
How could you
do this to me, mom?
All these years?
He was alive?
I missed him so much.
You fucking call me back
the minute you get this.
Bitch!
Carol! Come on, baby,
it's time to go!
Five more minutes?
Okay, five more minutes,
then we have to go.
Okay!
Hello, Carol.
I hope that you've come,
and are ready to see me again.
Listen carefully,
and I'll help you find me.
I'm ready, daddy.
Yeah, okay,
you got your backpack?
Yeah.
Hey, let's go
this way today, okay?
Where are we going?
First we're going
towards the exit.
Then we are headed south,
on Revelle Avenue.
South? Where's south?
It's this way.
Come, let's hold hands
while crossing.
How come you're carrying that?
I'm making a message
for a friend.
Do I know them?
Yes, honey.
You know them.
Turn right on third.
Third st Revelle ave
what's it say?
Just where to find us.
Why?
Because they need help.
Look at this, dad!
Wow,
that's a good looking stick.
It looks like a magic wand.
It does look magic.
- How much further?
- We're almost there.
Go left at Marmont coming up.
I promise this will
all make sense in the end.
Walk to 433 Marmont.
You know that I love you
very much, right?
I love you too, daddy.
And that I only want
what is best for us.
That's why I picked
you up today, honey.
Daddy has to go somewhere
and I needed to see you
before I left.
Where are you going?
I'm going to
a very special place.
But don't worry,
you'll come and visit me soon.
Always remember this, Carol,
the person who risks nothing,
has nothing, is nothing,
and becomes nothing.
I don't want you to go.
I know.
But I have to.
We're here.
The front door should be open.
You'll come see me
as soon as you're ready.
- I'm ready.
- I wish you were.
But I'll miss you.
I'll miss you more
than you'll ever know.
Come, we have to go inside.
Here, let daddy carry you.
Why do you have to go?
Be strong for daddy.
We're almost together again.
You are so close now.
What's that picture?
It's called an icon.
It's a symbol of faith.
Okay, honey, will you sit here
and wait for daddy?
I have to go talk
to that nice lady over there.
You're not going yet, are you?
Not yet.
I just need to talk to the lady.
- Promise?
- I promise.
Okay.
Hey, you're such a strong girl,
and I am so proud of you.
I'm here for my appointment,
to speak with you.
Thank you.
Once I go,
will you make sure
that she's taken care of?
Dad! Dad!
Dad! Dad!
I'm sorry.
Daddy! Daddy!
It wasn't my choice, Carol.
You...
You only get once chance
to meet him,
to visit this place.
That's why I made this for you,
and I pray that it found you,
so that you may find me.
I'll be so happy
to see you again.
It will have been so long.
Dad?
Mom
daddy?
Hello, baby.
I'm here for you.
- I'm so happy that you came.
- Dad!
Daddy loves you so much, Carol.
I'm so proud of you.
If you have come, and you have
found me, then you are here.
- You're finally here...
- Daddy, it's me.
...in this room,
- of your own free will.
- Please, daddy.
Oh, Carol, that means that you,
and I, can be together again.
Together.
To my dear father
happy father's day
written and directed by
Anthony Scott burns
hi, is this Shelby?
Yeah, you responded
to my ad online.
My name's Ian.
How are you?
Pussy Haver
where are you from, by the way?
Des moines! Oh, fuck.
You probably want
to get out of there so badly.
Yeah, so come to la.
No, it's not porn.
It's webcam.
It's honestly exactly like
facetime.
You probably already do the
same shit with your boyfriends.
Except now, you can get paid
while you do it. Large.
Discount candy 3 for $1
last week one of the girls
made eight grand.
How's it sound to you?
Good? Oh, that's amazing!
That's amazing!
I'm super excited about that.
Haver of pussy
okay, so we'll get everything
squared away immediately.
Hi, is this Allison?
Yeah, you responded
to my ad online.
Yeah, the webcam stuff.
No, no, no, no,
it's nothing like porno.
It's nothing like porno at all.
It's on your webcam.
It's pretty much facetime.
I mean, you probably already do the
same thing with your boyfriends.
Yeah. It includes a free ticket
to the heart of Hollywood.
You'll be set up, staying in
a beautiful apartment.
What do you tell your parents?
I don't know.
Fuck your parents.
Stirring our cauldron
of magic are we!
A witch's power
is strongest in threes.
Like, what the fuck are
these bitches cooking, man?
They're not cooking.
That's a cauldron. They're
actually casting spells.
I just had a fucking asshole.
What happened?
He was writing all this shit
that he wanted to do to me.
I will cum in Ur face bb
show me Ur asshole
- -and then when
he signed off...
Ur a pig u fucking whore
...he called me a whore!
Aw, Serenes. I'm so sorry.
Man, what a fucking
fuckhole, man.
You got his credit card
number, right?
- So, fuck this asshole,
let's go shopping.
I can e-mail you
a ticket right away, Allison.
Your boyfriend? Ah, fuck him.
No, you'll be treated like a queen here.
I promise.
Okay. Bye now.
The fuck is this?
Nobody's working?
Nobody's calling.
It's Halloween.
Everyone's out partying.
Except us.
Aw. That's sad.
Trick or treat, skank.
Did you scrape
that shit out yet?
I want to eat my hot pockets.
Can I have
one of your hot pockets?
I gave you your dinner.
Fuck your three for a dollar
discount shit.
What's wrong
with name brand candy,
you ever heard of Hersheys?
Yeah, I heard of Hershey.
Hersheys is what my grandmother
used to say, is for ladies.
I added this part.
Discount stuff is for whores.
Whores!
What is wrong with this girl?
Some cam asshole called her
a whore and then signed off.
They're supposed
to type dirty shit.
That's why they give us
their money.
Okay, well nobody's giving us
their money tonight.
Yeah, so why don't
you give us the night off
so we can cheer Serena up
and celebrate Halloween?
Okay.
Oh no, wait. Wait.
I meant to say, fuck no.
Don't be a dick, Ian.
No, fuck you, Holly.
I'm sick of your shit.
I'm sick of
all of your shits, okay?
I just got off the phone
with two...
Two. Count 'em.
Two cam girls.
Oh, yeah. They want to come to
Hollywood, and work for me.
So, a.B.C.
Ian's rules
(1) Abc - always be caming
always be camming, bitches.
'Cause the next
generation's coming,
and they're going
to replace you.
Just like you replaced
the whores before you.
Stop saying "whores"!
No! I'll say "whores"
if I want to say "whores"!
I'll say "whores" if I want.
Now you got me irritated.
And since it's such
a slow night,
why don't I put
one of you sluts to work?
Hmm, how does that sound?
So who's it going to be?
One of you girls is going
to show me your pussy.
No.
We're not girls, Ian.
We're women.
I was a girl when I got here,
but after working for you
for eight fucking months,
now I'm sad to say, I'm a woman.
I'm the oldest
18-year old woman I know.
All because I made
a big mistake in coming here.
But you know what?
The more I think about it,
the more I realize
I'm not the only one that
made the mistake, Ian.
You made a big mistake.
Wanna know why?
Because you put three women
in a room together.
Do you know what three
women in a room together
used to be called?
A coven.
You got that?
Witches.
And the power of witches
is always strongest in threes.
- You fuck.
Oh.
Witches, now?
Witches. Okay.
Well, which witch is going
to ride this broomstick?
Yeah.
- This one.
- No.
- Yes.
- No!
Yes!
No! I don't wanna!
Well, you're gonna!
Oh. What the fuck?
Ow!
Oh, you fucking bitch.
The fuck is this shit?
Ow!
What the fuck is this?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck.
- What the fuck.
What the fuck.
You feel that, Ian? We stuck
a vibrator up your ass.
And super-glued your asshole shut.
And hooked the vibrator up
to a car battery.
What the fuck?
Smelly work,
but it was worth it!
So we can do this...
Ow.
If you try pull it out again
what the fuck!
We'll crank it up higher.
Like this...
Okay! Okay! Okay!
Now...
Ah.
What the fuck do you want?
Show us your pussy.
What? What the fuck!
Show us your pussy now!
Oh, fuck, okay, okay!
Okay!
There!
You made your point,
take your fucking pictures!
Show us your pussy, Ian.
What the fuck?
I don't have a pussy!
I don't have a pussy!
So make one.
Are you fucking bitches
fucked in the head?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
This is fucking insane!
Do it bb. Show us your pussy
or we turn it up!
You've been at a 1.
This is a 2.
Fuck you!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Okay, Ian - that was just a 2.
Of a possible 10.
So, y'know...
Show us your pussy, Ian.
Please don't make me do this.
Please.
Use the knife.
I'll pay you.
I'll fucking pay you, please!
Oh, fuck, okay, okay!
Then show us your pussy!!!
Okay.
Do it or die, Ian.
What the fuck.
What the fuck.
This is fucked up.
This is fucked!
Goooooooooooooooooooood!!!
Now....
Make it hollow, Ian.
Fuck you.
Lol
fuck you!
Fuck you, bitches!
Lol
what the fuck
are you crying about?
Look at all that blood.
This is getting boring.
What happens if we turn
this shit up to ten?
...That.
Hi. Is Ian here?
He flew me out
from Maine to work.
Uh, I'm Nancy.
Uh. Hello, Nancy. Welcome.
Uh, you're joining us during a period
of transition for the company.
As of today, we're actually
under new management.
Oh. Well, what happened
to Ian?
Unfortunately, Ian is no longer with
the company, due to, uh, cutbacks.
Halloween wishes
happy Halloween
written and directed by
Kevin Smith
uvu
your imagination come to life!
Uvu shows you you!
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Your kids are going
to love that.
Yes, the kids are definitely
going to love it.
Yes, wait 'til you put it on
your head.
Well, I'll leave that...
I'll leave that to the kids.
All right. Hope they enjoy.
- Yup, thank you.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Goodnight.
- Hi.
- Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed.
Oh, no, no, no, I called.
About the uvu.
That guy got the last one.
What? No. I called.
I'm Pete Gunderson.
I said I was coming.
First come, first served.
- But you... -Sorry, pal.
Holidays are hell.
Fuck.
Yeah, honey.
Got the last one.
- Okay, I'll be home in 15.
- Excuse me.
- I love you. Bye.
- Excuse me, sir? Hi.
Um, look, I'll, I'll...
I'll give you $300 for it.
Yeah, not a chance, pal.
Try Ebay.
Wait, wait, wait!
Please, please.
I'll, I'll, I'll give you,
I'll give you 500.
Please, it's Christmas Eve.
I'm out of time.
Yeah well, listen, if it was
really that important,
you would have
gotten here earlier.
Merry Christmas.
Fuck! Oh, fuck!
Sara did you get it???
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, um...
I'll call...
Sara
please tell me you got it???
Sorry.
I finally had it, and I told
ed he was full of shit.
I mean, I deserve that Christmas
bonus a hell of a lot more
than that do-nothing,
kiss-ass nephew of his.
I swear I could kill him.
Scrooge.
What?
Have you not been
listening to me?
Ed didn't give me the Christmas
bonus that we were counting on.
And with you making
less money now...
God. I'm at the end
of my rope.
How much was this thing anyway?
I hope you didn't overspend.
Stop.
- Come on.
No.
I still can't believe
you got it, dad!
So, you, uh,
you just watch stuff on them?
Yeah, it aggregates
your online identity
to figure out what to show you.
Congratulations, captain!
You're the first person
to walk on Mars.
You've got to try it, dad.
Am I going to see what you saw?
No, it's different for everyone.
- Thank you, daddy.
Thank you, daddy.
It's totally cool, right?
Right. Yeah. Totally.
Wow.
Um, is this the off button?
Please don't punish me, daddy.
I promise
I won't be naughty anymore.
Oh, god. Oh, my god.
Um, I'll call. I'll call.
I'll call.
Sorry.
What the fuck?
Heart attack, huh?
Yeah. Probably would have made
it too, if he got help in time.
Hell of a Christmas gift
for his family.
Fucking Christmas.
I hear ya, bro.
...Okay. Bag him up.
We need the fridge space.
Happy holidays!
Hi! Um, it says on your
website that um, uh...
Less than one percent of users
may experience an, uh,
adverse reaction
when using the device?
And I was just, just wondering,
what type of adverse reactions
are users experiencing exactly?
Are you having trouble
with your device, sir?
Uh, troub... no...
No. I'm not, no...
Just wondering.
Well, if you'd like to give me
your name and login,
I can check your video feed to see if
there's anything abnormal going on.
Uh, you can do that?
That's, no, that's fine. I don't need that.
That's not necessary.
Thank you, very much.
Sara?
Where's Bobby?
I sent him
to stay with a friend.
You forgot to log out, Pete.
I don't know what
that showed you, but...
Everything.
I saw everything.
I just want to know one thing.
Why'd you do it?
Because he had what I wanted,
and I was tired of being nice.
Oh, Pete.
That is the hottest thing
you have ever said.
Hey! Everyone's gone. I'm going
to go ahead and lock up.
And I made this,
just the way you like it.
Oh, ed.
You don't look so good.
I hope you aren't afraid
of the dark, ed.
Should've given me
that bonus, ed.
Mmm.
This is what happens
to scrooges like you.
Ain't the holidays hell?
Uvu uvu shows you you!
Pete, you awake?
Remember he is watching
merry Christmas
written and directed by
Scott Stewart
sweet memories
choo-choo
chose me!
My bunny
I didn't want to
have to do this.
You know, I kept pushing it off.
Trick or treat
I didn't want
to ruin another holiday.
I wanted to pretend like
everything was okay.
Merry merry!
But you...
You.
I mean I thought
that when you...
When you got to know me...
You know, when you saw
the real me, that you'd...
Ah, never mind.
Tonight at midnight,
I want to kiss someone
who makes me feel
like I can take
the tape off their lips.
God damn it.
Sorry about that.
Let me try that again.
Jesus Christ.
Mandy. Mandy.
Hey.
Reggief
can't be worse
than the last one.
How is it?
They're great. They're the
best chicken fingers.
They, they bread them
with frosted flakes.
My mom didn't let me
eat sugary cereal.
You know, rots your teeth.
My teeth aren't rotten.
You, you must brush a lot.
- Do you brush a lot?
- I don't know. I guess so.
Let me see 'em.
What?
Let me see those pearly whites.
I bet they sparkle.
- Let me see
those choppers, come on.
Yeah. I knew it.
You have great teeth.
That was... that was...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
That was, um,
it's just the nerves.
That's the problem with these
first dates, you know.
If people got to know
the real me,
you know, they would love me.
But, you know, they
never get to meet me.
You know, because it's just...
Because the, the nerve monster
just rears its ugly head.
Most guys I date online
just want to hook up.
One and done.
They act like I'm crazy for
wanting something more lasting.
Right?
You know people say that those
dating websites are bullshit
but I mean, 96 percent?
I mean, like, that's an
all-time high for me.
I mean my last girlfriend was
like an 84 percent and, you know,
yeah, no surprise that didn't,
that didn't turn out.
Mmm. What happened?
She, um... I had to...
I had to end it.
Tsk. It was for the best.
Mmm.
Sorry.
You are so much hotter
than she was.
I mean, uh... uh...
Prettier.
Should we get the check?
I'm sorry.
- For what?
- For calling you hot.
Why would you
apologize for that?
Because it made me
sound all pervy.
Like I was trying
to hook up with you.
You know.
And I know you don't
like that on a first date.
It's new year's Eve.
I'd have to be the most
unromantic gal in the world
to want to go home
to a lonely apartment.
Yup.
Do you want to go back to my
place and watch the ball drop?
- Can I take your jacket?
- Yeah.
Uh, whoa. Whoa!
Should I not?
Uh, no. It's just. Uh...
I need to use the restroom.
You know, I just...
I want to freshen up.
Okay. Great idea.
Down the hall to the right.
Ryan - Kyle
Peter - John - Reggie
uh! No, no, no, no, no.
Ten!
Nine!
Eight!
Seven!
Six!
Five!
Four!
Three!
Two!
Live from Times Square
new year's celebration
one!
Happy new year!
Happy new year
feliz ano nuevo, carino.
A happy new year to you all
happy new year's
directed by Adam Egypt Mortimer
written by
Kevin Kolsch & Dennis Widmyer
coach
all right, up you go, Max!
Yah! Up you go, maxi-pad!
Knock it off, Heidi.
Oh, my god.
Whoo! Here we go, Max!
Bring me that brick!
C'mon now!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad! Maxi-pad!
Maxi-pad!
You know what
you have to do, maxi.
Looks like someone wants a kiss!
Ooh!
Well?
Well, what? He loves me.
He didn't give you detention?
Detention? Please, girl.
How he gon' give me detention when he
knows we gon' set this up on Friday!
Huh?
Well, no, Valentine's is, uh,
Valentine's is tonight...
Why... why would we go Friday?
Well, I can't do Friday.
Well, no, you know,
the, the talent show.
Talent show fund raiser
no, no, the talent show that the
kids organized for my operation.
Aw.
Did you really think
Mr. Rockwell was trying
to kiss your little rat lips?
Hmm?
Hmm?
Hey! I'm talking to you,
maxi-pad.
No, no, I know, but, you
know, it's a nice gesture,
you know how much
these kids love me.
Not like that.
No, they look up
to me, Kim, all right.
And I'd be a real jerk to ditch out on
my own fundraiser, don't you think?
You really think
he'd go for you?
Over me?
Just wait until he sees the twerking routine
we came up with for the talent show.
Real Nicki Minaj shit.
That's fine. No, no, no,
you know what, that's great.
Ya, I love you too.
Heart and lung foundation
Mr, Rockwell,
we regret to inform
what are you doing
to get him a new heart?
Did you organize a talent show?
Are you gonna perform
something? Hmm?
Ooh, I know. How about a
little game of show and tell?
First you show everybody your
little friend, Mr. box cutter.
And then just watch
as those donations pour in
when you tell them it's the
same toy your dear dead daddy
killed himself with.
I gotta meet Rick.
Uh, you're not going
to go take a shower?
No, I'll take one at home.
I heard this one has rats in it.
To Maxine coach Rockwell
maxi pad
to Maxine coach Rockwell
to Maxine love coach Rockwell
stop following me, maxi-pad.
You're acting really weird
today, even for you.
Well, go ahead.
Well, I'm gonna cut through the woods.
See you tomorrow.
Happy Valentine's day.
What are you doing?
You don't even live this way.
Stop following me.
Now look what you did!
I... I... I was just kidding.
We're going to be late.
Well, I thought
I had until Friday.
Why would you think that?
Valentine's day is tonight!
Give me your heart
happy Valentine's day
written and directed by
Kevin Kolsch
and Dennis Widmyer
shamrocks. Irish dancing.
Parades of green.
These are some of the images
that come to mind when we think
of St. Patrick's day.
On weekends I play with my
magical whores
but who exactly
was St. Patrick?
And how did he deliver
the word of god to Ireland?
Horse
a land once in the grip of druids,
pagans, and devil Worshippers?
According to legend,
Patrick banished all of the snakes from
Ireland by tossing them into the sea.
Although evidence suggests there
were no snakes in Ireland
during the 5th century.
Most scholars believe this
to be a metaphor.
St. Patrick's expulsion
of the pagans and mystics.
Long may Ireland let slip from
memory its paganistic days of old.
Hiya, Grainne.
That's very pretty.
Who is it for?
Okay.
Look. I know
how hard change is,
coming to a new school,
not having any friends.
But I bet if you were to show us
that smile just for a second,
it would make all the
difference in the world.
Do you know what?
I have an idea.
Would you like to ring
the lunch bell?
Only your deepest wish
can make me smile
hiya, it's me.
I can't chat for long.
I'm here waiting for Sam.
He's insisted I park away from
the school because apparently
I'm not cool.
He's like, "mum, it's not
authentic if I smile."
Yeah, it's your holy communion
photo, not the dogme 95 movement.
My doctor actually recommended
I get new contact lenses with
"hope" printed on the insides.
Apparently clinical trials
suggest it may help
the cynical wheel of
self-loathing from turning.
I hate myself.
Anyway, I can't wait to see you
this weekend for paddy's day.
We'll get fucked up, yeah?
Find you a man?
Day 1
Liz, where are ya?
I went back to the bar but there
was no sign of you and that
Danny Zuko wannabe
you were talking to.
Would you call me, you think?
I'd like you to pick
your favorite book,
write a page about
why you like it,
and score the book out of ten.
Hand in date is
two weeks from today.
Okay, everybody,
page 38, circles.
Day 13
fuck! Hiya, Grainne.
What?
Now, hang on.
That's not very
appropriate, Grainne.
Mrs. Cullen?
You are pregnant.
I fucking knew it!
I just can't believe it!
Oh! I've waited
so long for this.
However,
we're not certain with what.
Well, if it's a boy or a girl,
that doesn't matter to me.
We'd like to run
some further tests.
Although, if the results
indicate a false positive,
we'd need to operate
immediately and remove it.
I'm pregnant.
Ooh.
Did... did you understand
what I said?
Mmm-hmm, it's totally
grand, boy or girl,
whatever I get, I'm happy.
I am so happy.
Were you with somebody recently,
or some animal of some kind?
No.
Okay, have you ever seen the
Hollywood movie Rosemary's baby?
Yeah.
If you replace '"baby"
with "reptile",
that's what you have.
It's like Rosemary's reptile.
Huh?
The story of prince Lindworm
brother, prince, snake
book report
love this tale of terror
ten out of ten
Grainne, what is this?
Grainne, what is this?
Grainne, what is this?
Stop smiling!
Day 366
nan just called.
She says you look like a 25-year-old
woman from the middle ages,
spliced with
a mentally ill circle.
I'm booking an appointment
with Dublin zoo.
There's no excuses
this time, Liz.
Hi, can I help you
with anything?
I'm, I'm really sorry. That's
not really, that's not...
That's not really okay.
I'm sorry. I'm just going
to have to take that.
I'm sorry. You're going
to have to leave.
What the fuck
are you thinking, Liz?
The zoo just called, they said you
never turned up for your appointment.
I know you're probably saying to yourself,
"what if the vet's got it wrong?"
Let me impart some important advice I
learned a long time ago, the hard way.
Vets don't get things wrong.
Giving birth to a snake
is not only suicide,
it's probably the most
wrong-headed thing ever attempted
in the field of human endeavor.
The only thing you have to do to make
our family happy is just come home.
Alone.
Shh.
Shh.
It'll all be over soon,
I promise.
Shh. Shh.
I need you to help me
get clean of this, okay?
Horrible, isn't it?
You cannot remember.
But you can't forget.
Grainne, this is your father?
Danny fucking Zucko?
Our little boy is waiting.
Look, I know you think she's
different, but she's not.
She'll run a mile when
she claps eyes on him.
Just wanted a normal baby.
It's not fair.
Blah blah blah.
But just look
how quickly she forgets.
Don't make me laugh.
She's the same
as the rest of them.
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.
He'd be so damn ugly.
You'd be so beautiful.
Very good, little one.
Very good.
Let's go!
I bet there's a whole lotta
disenchanted folk out there
just waiting for a bouncing snake
to lighten up their lives.
I bet if we tap into that
lonely miserable demographic,
in a few short years
and a bit of luck,
we might just hit
pre-Patrick numbers.
Oh, my beautiful baby!
Only your deepest wish
can make me smile
st Patrick's day greetings
happy
St. Patrick's day
written and directed by
Gary shore
time to close your eyes
and go to sleep.
It's a special day tomorrow.
Someone's coming tonight.
I'll give you a hint.
He's furry.
And he hops.
And you wake up in the
morning and you get...
Candy eggs and candy chicks.
Yes. But here's the thing.
No kid has ever seen him.
Because all the kids are supposed
to be asleep when he comes. Okay?
Okay.
Okay. Close your eyes.
Wait.
I'm scared.
Why? Are you afraid you're
going to have a bad dream?
The man coming back
from the dead.
What man?
Jesus.
In church they said that Easter was
about him coming back from being dead.
What about the Easter bunny?
Is he dead too?
No, the Easter bunny's
different.
Is Jesus real?
Yeah, he was real.
- He was?
- Yeah.
But he was a good man.
And you know what?
Yes, he died, but when he came
back, that was a good thing.
It was a miracle
that he came back.
He flew up into the stars and he
went back where he came from.
And he lives in our hearts now.
It's kind of like a scary
version of e.T.
Yeah, but he wasn't a story,
he was real.
What about the Easter bunny?
Well, the Easter bunny
comes on Easter.
But I thought that's when
Jesus came back from the dead.
Uh...
No, it's... that's different.
I don't understand, mommy.
Oh, honey, just close your
eyes and go to sleep.
And tomorrow you are going
to wake up and there will be
candy chicks and eggs
and yummy stuff.
But what if I'm awake
when he comes?
What if I get up
and get a glass of water?
It's okay to get
a glass of water.
No, but what if he's here?
What if I see him?
Shh. Honey. Just go to sleep.
Mommy.
How does he get in the house?
Shh.
Okay.
I'm gonna count to three,
and I want those eyes shut.
All right? One.
Two.
Three.
You're going to wake up tomorrow and
it's going to be exactly like last year.
Mommy?
Last year, daddy was here.
Will he ever come back?
Maybe.
Go to sleep, baby.
Mommy?
This is a dream.
You're not real.
Touch me.
No child has ever seen me.
I won't... I won't tell anyone
I saw you.
I promise.
But now that you've seen me.
Now it is your turn.
You must take my place.
Take... take your place?
You will see things
few have ever seen.
Magical things.
But what if...
What if I don't want to?
You have no choice.
Can I... can I come back
and see my mommy?
Where you're going, you will never
see your mommy ever, ever again.
Now close your eyes.
Honey?
Honey?
Honey?
Best Easter wishes
happy Easter
written and directed by
Nicholas McCarthy
you know, there are only a few
days in any woman's cycle
where she's capable of
conceiving.
And you're on,
generic high dose progestin?
Do you take it
at the same time every day?
Mmm-hmm.
- You're sure?
He wears two condoms.
Hmm?
I ask him to wear two condoms.
Sometimes three.
And you've terminated
nearly 20 pregnancies?
I've stopped counting.
- I'm sorry, I...
- It's okay.
I've been to see
so many doctors.
My family won't talk to me.
My friends think I'm insane,
or making it up, or just...
It's...
It's like I'm cursed.
I don't usually do this.
But it does feel like you've
exhausted all other options.
I'm going to give you
my sister's phone number.
She volunteers at these weekend fertility
ceremonies in the high desert.
Maybe she can give you some sort of insight
that the rest of us haven't been able to.
Thank you. Thank you.
It's probably not for me,
but I appreciate it.
Kate, if what
you've told me is true
then I don't think conventional
medicine can help you.
What happens at the ceremony?
Well, um, have you ever
participated in a peyote ceremony
or ayahuasca, or any
kind of ceremonial medicine?
Well, no.
It can be an intense experience.
Um, but if you're open to it, I think
that you can really learn something.
I know I'm going to get
pregnant this time.
I know it. I know it.
Sometimes it takes many times
to come here before you do.
I think you have
to let go of the trying.
Yeah, I get nervous sometimes.
Make yourself at home. The
ceremony will start in an hour.
How old are you?
Twenty-four.
What's the rush?
I'm actually not trying
to have a baby right now.
Then what are you doing here?
I get pregnant
every time I have sex.
Sounds rough.
No. No. No. No.
You are a gateway.
No, I have to go home.
No, I have to get out of here.
No, I have to go home.
No, I don't want to be here.
It's just the medicine. Trust it.
It's just the medicine.
Every time you end
the life inside of you,
it will come back stronger.
Sleep
sleep, little bird
when the time comes
do not resist
do not say no
good morning, sleepyhead.
Do you want a bath today?
Yeah.
Okay.
One, two, three, up.
Okay.
You're gonna be
such a good mama.
You've been very patient.
I think we need to
increase her dose.
No, we can't give her
more than three drops.
It's not good for the baby.
Lily, she's fine.
- Morning.
- Sister.
Started getting
so hot out there.
Yeah, it always heats up in may.
Happy mother's day, mama.
We're almost there.
Blood pressure is a little high.
Has anybody tried
calling her phone?
No, poor girl.
How's she been this week?
Not so good. I mean, we could
use you around here more often.
Well, I can't spend all
my time out here,
I'm going back and forth
enough as it is.
Well, you don't know what it's like here.
It's really hard.
I am here every weekend.
I'm going back and forth.
Yeah, well, I think you should
stay with her from here on out.
It's the last month.
I can't take a whole month
off of work, Lily.
God damn it, you idiot!
Don't yell at her.
No wonder she has high blood
pressure, living here with you guys.
She can't hear us anyways.
It's okay. Come on.
Come with me. Come on.
Okay.
Classical or contemporary today?
I'm feeling contemporary.
911, what's your emergency?
My name is Kate Polson.
I'm... I've been kidnapped.
I can't hear you, miss,
can you speak up?
I need help.
Fire, ambulance, or police?
Police, please. Please hurry.
What's the address?
Oh. Um...
It's like, it's a house. Um, ten
miles north of the highway.
It's a... ah!
Oh, god!
Be careful.
- Careful!
That was stupid, look what you did!
What's happening?
She's going in to labor,
that's what's happening.
God. Okay.
Just breathe.
Just breathe.
The more you accept it,
the easier it will be.
All right, come on,
just push. Push for me.
- Good girl.
Push, Kate. Push.
Almost there, almost there.
Dearest mother
happy mother's day
written and directed by
Sarah Adina Smith
probably not.
Yeah, I'm going to be here grading
these papers all weekend.
Yeah, I know, it's 52 this year.
Happy father's day
hi, Carol.
It's me. Your daddy.
I'm so sorry.
Daddy had to leave you.
I never loved anything
more than you.
You were my miracle.
I wanted so badly
for you to come with me.
For us to be together.
Your mother and I,
we just didn't see things
the same way.
It's so important that
you know it wasn't your fault.
And that you know that I am
so, so sorry
I wasn't there for you.
If you're hearing this message,
I, I can't imagine the pain
that I've caused you.
But it's not too late
for us to be together.
I left this message in trust
with good people.
I told them to give this to
you when you were old enough,
strong enough.
I didn't want
to leave you there all alone.
It wasn't my choice.
So, if you want to see me,
to find me,
continue where we left off,
I can be there for you now.
If you're ready.
Just go to where
we played that day,
our last day together.
Go there, turn the tape over,
press play and I will guide you.
You will always be my baby,
no matter what you choose.
I just hope you'll have
it in you to forgive me.
Remember, daddy loves you
forever, Carol.
This isn't fair.
This isn't fucking fair.
How could you
do this to me, mom?
All these years?
He was alive?
I missed him so much.
You fucking call me back
the minute you get this.
Bitch!
Carol! Come on, baby,
it's time to go!
Five more minutes?
Okay, five more minutes,
then we have to go.
Okay!
Hello, Carol.
I hope that you've come,
and are ready to see me again.
Listen carefully,
and I'll help you find me.
I'm ready, daddy.
Yeah, okay,
you got your backpack?
Yeah.
Hey, let's go
this way today, okay?
Where are we going?
First we're going
towards the exit.
Then we are headed south,
on Revelle Avenue.
South? Where's south?
It's this way.
Come, let's hold hands
while crossing.
How come you're carrying that?
I'm making a message
for a friend.
Do I know them?
Yes, honey.
You know them.
Turn right on third.
Third st Revelle ave
what's it say?
Just where to find us.
Why?
Because they need help.
Look at this, dad!
Wow,
that's a good looking stick.
It looks like a magic wand.
It does look magic.
- How much further?
- We're almost there.
Go left at Marmont coming up.
I promise this will
all make sense in the end.
Walk to 433 Marmont.
You know that I love you
very much, right?
I love you too, daddy.
And that I only want
what is best for us.
That's why I picked
you up today, honey.
Daddy has to go somewhere
and I needed to see you
before I left.
Where are you going?
I'm going to
a very special place.
But don't worry,
you'll come and visit me soon.
Always remember this, Carol,
the person who risks nothing,
has nothing, is nothing,
and becomes nothing.
I don't want you to go.
I know.
But I have to.
We're here.
The front door should be open.
You'll come see me
as soon as you're ready.
- I'm ready.
- I wish you were.
But I'll miss you.
I'll miss you more
than you'll ever know.
Come, we have to go inside.
Here, let daddy carry you.
Why do you have to go?
Be strong for daddy.
We're almost together again.
You are so close now.
What's that picture?
It's called an icon.
It's a symbol of faith.
Okay, honey, will you sit here
and wait for daddy?
I have to go talk
to that nice lady over there.
You're not going yet, are you?
Not yet.
I just need to talk to the lady.
- Promise?
- I promise.
Okay.
Hey, you're such a strong girl,
and I am so proud of you.
I'm here for my appointment,
to speak with you.
Thank you.
Once I go,
will you make sure
that she's taken care of?
Dad! Dad!
Dad! Dad!
I'm sorry.
Daddy! Daddy!
It wasn't my choice, Carol.
You...
You only get once chance
to meet him,
to visit this place.
That's why I made this for you,
and I pray that it found you,
so that you may find me.
I'll be so happy
to see you again.
It will have been so long.
Dad?
Mom
daddy?
Hello, baby.
I'm here for you.
- I'm so happy that you came.
- Dad!
Daddy loves you so much, Carol.
I'm so proud of you.
If you have come, and you have
found me, then you are here.
- You're finally here...
- Daddy, it's me.
...in this room,
- of your own free will.
- Please, daddy.
Oh, Carol, that means that you,
and I, can be together again.
Together.
To my dear father
happy father's day
written and directed by
Anthony Scott burns
hi, is this Shelby?
Yeah, you responded
to my ad online.
My name's Ian.
How are you?
Pussy Haver
where are you from, by the way?
Des moines! Oh, fuck.
You probably want
to get out of there so badly.
Yeah, so come to la.
No, it's not porn.
It's webcam.
It's honestly exactly like
facetime.
You probably already do the
same shit with your boyfriends.
Except now, you can get paid
while you do it. Large.
Discount candy 3 for $1
last week one of the girls
made eight grand.
How's it sound to you?
Good? Oh, that's amazing!
That's amazing!
I'm super excited about that.
Haver of pussy
okay, so we'll get everything
squared away immediately.
Hi, is this Allison?
Yeah, you responded
to my ad online.
Yeah, the webcam stuff.
No, no, no, no,
it's nothing like porno.
It's nothing like porno at all.
It's on your webcam.
It's pretty much facetime.
I mean, you probably already do the
same thing with your boyfriends.
Yeah. It includes a free ticket
to the heart of Hollywood.
You'll be set up, staying in
a beautiful apartment.
What do you tell your parents?
I don't know.
Fuck your parents.
Stirring our cauldron
of magic are we!
A witch's power
is strongest in threes.
Like, what the fuck are
these bitches cooking, man?
They're not cooking.
That's a cauldron. They're
actually casting spells.
I just had a fucking asshole.
What happened?
He was writing all this shit
that he wanted to do to me.
I will cum in Ur face bb
show me Ur asshole
- -and then when
he signed off...
Ur a pig u fucking whore
...he called me a whore!
Aw, Serenes. I'm so sorry.
Man, what a fucking
fuckhole, man.
You got his credit card
number, right?
- So, fuck this asshole,
let's go shopping.
I can e-mail you
a ticket right away, Allison.
Your boyfriend? Ah, fuck him.
No, you'll be treated like a queen here.
I promise.
Okay. Bye now.
The fuck is this?
Nobody's working?
Nobody's calling.
It's Halloween.
Everyone's out partying.
Except us.
Aw. That's sad.
Trick or treat, skank.
Did you scrape
that shit out yet?
I want to eat my hot pockets.
Can I have
one of your hot pockets?
I gave you your dinner.
Fuck your three for a dollar
discount shit.
What's wrong
with name brand candy,
you ever heard of Hersheys?
Yeah, I heard of Hershey.
Hersheys is what my grandmother
used to say, is for ladies.
I added this part.
Discount stuff is for whores.
Whores!
What is wrong with this girl?
Some cam asshole called her
a whore and then signed off.
They're supposed
to type dirty shit.
That's why they give us
their money.
Okay, well nobody's giving us
their money tonight.
Yeah, so why don't
you give us the night off
so we can cheer Serena up
and celebrate Halloween?
Okay.
Oh no, wait. Wait.
I meant to say, fuck no.
Don't be a dick, Ian.
No, fuck you, Holly.
I'm sick of your shit.
I'm sick of
all of your shits, okay?
I just got off the phone
with two...
Two. Count 'em.
Two cam girls.
Oh, yeah. They want to come to
Hollywood, and work for me.
So, a.B.C.
Ian's rules
(1) Abc - always be caming
always be camming, bitches.
'Cause the next
generation's coming,
and they're going
to replace you.
Just like you replaced
the whores before you.
Stop saying "whores"!
No! I'll say "whores"
if I want to say "whores"!
I'll say "whores" if I want.
Now you got me irritated.
And since it's such
a slow night,
why don't I put
one of you sluts to work?
Hmm, how does that sound?
So who's it going to be?
One of you girls is going
to show me your pussy.
No.
We're not girls, Ian.
We're women.
I was a girl when I got here,
but after working for you
for eight fucking months,
now I'm sad to say, I'm a woman.
I'm the oldest
18-year old woman I know.
All because I made
a big mistake in coming here.
But you know what?
The more I think about it,
the more I realize
I'm not the only one that
made the mistake, Ian.
You made a big mistake.
Wanna know why?
Because you put three women
in a room together.
Do you know what three
women in a room together
used to be called?
A coven.
You got that?
Witches.
And the power of witches
is always strongest in threes.
- You fuck.
Oh.
Witches, now?
Witches. Okay.
Well, which witch is going
to ride this broomstick?
Yeah.
- This one.
- No.
- Yes.
- No!
Yes!
No! I don't wanna!
Well, you're gonna!
Oh. What the fuck?
Ow!
Oh, you fucking bitch.
The fuck is this shit?
Ow!
What the fuck is this?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck.
- What the fuck.
What the fuck.
You feel that, Ian? We stuck
a vibrator up your ass.
And super-glued your asshole shut.
And hooked the vibrator up
to a car battery.
What the fuck?
Smelly work,
but it was worth it!
So we can do this...
Ow.
If you try pull it out again
what the fuck!
We'll crank it up higher.
Like this...
Okay! Okay! Okay!
Now...
Ah.
What the fuck do you want?
Show us your pussy.
What? What the fuck!
Show us your pussy now!
Oh, fuck, okay, okay!
Okay!
There!
You made your point,
take your fucking pictures!
Show us your pussy, Ian.
What the fuck?
I don't have a pussy!
I don't have a pussy!
So make one.
Are you fucking bitches
fucked in the head?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
This is fucking insane!
Do it bb. Show us your pussy
or we turn it up!
You've been at a 1.
This is a 2.
Fuck you!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Okay, Ian - that was just a 2.
Of a possible 10.
So, y'know...
Show us your pussy, Ian.
Please don't make me do this.
Please.
Use the knife.
I'll pay you.
I'll fucking pay you, please!
Oh, fuck, okay, okay!
Then show us your pussy!!!
Okay.
Do it or die, Ian.
What the fuck.
What the fuck.
This is fucked up.
This is fucked!
Goooooooooooooooooooood!!!
Now....
Make it hollow, Ian.
Fuck you.
Lol
fuck you!
Fuck you, bitches!
Lol
what the fuck
are you crying about?
Look at all that blood.
This is getting boring.
What happens if we turn
this shit up to ten?
...That.
Hi. Is Ian here?
He flew me out
from Maine to work.
Uh, I'm Nancy.
Uh. Hello, Nancy. Welcome.
Uh, you're joining us during a period
of transition for the company.
As of today, we're actually
under new management.
Oh. Well, what happened
to Ian?
Unfortunately, Ian is no longer with
the company, due to, uh, cutbacks.
Halloween wishes
happy Halloween
written and directed by
Kevin Smith
uvu
your imagination come to life!
Uvu shows you you!
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Your kids are going
to love that.
Yes, the kids are definitely
going to love it.
Yes, wait 'til you put it on
your head.
Well, I'll leave that...
I'll leave that to the kids.
All right. Hope they enjoy.
- Yup, thank you.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Goodnight.
- Hi.
- Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed.
Oh, no, no, no, I called.
About the uvu.
That guy got the last one.
What? No. I called.
I'm Pete Gunderson.
I said I was coming.
First come, first served.
- But you... -Sorry, pal.
Holidays are hell.
Fuck.
Yeah, honey.
Got the last one.
- Okay, I'll be home in 15.
- Excuse me.
- I love you. Bye.
- Excuse me, sir? Hi.
Um, look, I'll, I'll...
I'll give you $300 for it.
Yeah, not a chance, pal.
Try Ebay.
Wait, wait, wait!
Please, please.
I'll, I'll, I'll give you,
I'll give you 500.
Please, it's Christmas Eve.
I'm out of time.
Yeah well, listen, if it was
really that important,
you would have
gotten here earlier.
Merry Christmas.
Fuck! Oh, fuck!
Sara did you get it???
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, um...
I'll call...
Sara
please tell me you got it???
Sorry.
I finally had it, and I told
ed he was full of shit.
I mean, I deserve that Christmas
bonus a hell of a lot more
than that do-nothing,
kiss-ass nephew of his.
I swear I could kill him.
Scrooge.
What?
Have you not been
listening to me?
Ed didn't give me the Christmas
bonus that we were counting on.
And with you making
less money now...
God. I'm at the end
of my rope.
How much was this thing anyway?
I hope you didn't overspend.
Stop.
- Come on.
No.
I still can't believe
you got it, dad!
So, you, uh,
you just watch stuff on them?
Yeah, it aggregates
your online identity
to figure out what to show you.
Congratulations, captain!
You're the first person
to walk on Mars.
You've got to try it, dad.
Am I going to see what you saw?
No, it's different for everyone.
- Thank you, daddy.
Thank you, daddy.
It's totally cool, right?
Right. Yeah. Totally.
Wow.
Um, is this the off button?
Please don't punish me, daddy.
I promise
I won't be naughty anymore.
Oh, god. Oh, my god.
Um, I'll call. I'll call.
I'll call.
Sorry.
What the fuck?
Heart attack, huh?
Yeah. Probably would have made
it too, if he got help in time.
Hell of a Christmas gift
for his family.
Fucking Christmas.
I hear ya, bro.
...Okay. Bag him up.
We need the fridge space.
Happy holidays!
Hi! Um, it says on your
website that um, uh...
Less than one percent of users
may experience an, uh,
adverse reaction
when using the device?
And I was just, just wondering,
what type of adverse reactions
are users experiencing exactly?
Are you having trouble
with your device, sir?
Uh, troub... no...
No. I'm not, no...
Just wondering.
Well, if you'd like to give me
your name and login,
I can check your video feed to see if
there's anything abnormal going on.
Uh, you can do that?
That's, no, that's fine. I don't need that.
That's not necessary.
Thank you, very much.
Sara?
Where's Bobby?
I sent him
to stay with a friend.
You forgot to log out, Pete.
I don't know what
that showed you, but...
Everything.
I saw everything.
I just want to know one thing.
Why'd you do it?
Because he had what I wanted,
and I was tired of being nice.
Oh, Pete.
That is the hottest thing
you have ever said.
Hey! Everyone's gone. I'm going
to go ahead and lock up.
And I made this,
just the way you like it.
Oh, ed.
You don't look so good.
I hope you aren't afraid
of the dark, ed.
Should've given me
that bonus, ed.
Mmm.
This is what happens
to scrooges like you.
Ain't the holidays hell?
Uvu uvu shows you you!
Pete, you awake?
Remember he is watching
merry Christmas
written and directed by
Scott Stewart
sweet memories
choo-choo
chose me!
My bunny
I didn't want to
have to do this.
You know, I kept pushing it off.
Trick or treat
I didn't want
to ruin another holiday.
I wanted to pretend like
everything was okay.
Merry merry!
But you...
You.
I mean I thought
that when you...
When you got to know me...
You know, when you saw
the real me, that you'd...
Ah, never mind.
Tonight at midnight,
I want to kiss someone
who makes me feel
like I can take
the tape off their lips.
God damn it.
Sorry about that.
Let me try that again.
Jesus Christ.
Mandy. Mandy.
Hey.
Reggief
can't be worse
than the last one.
How is it?
They're great. They're the
best chicken fingers.
They, they bread them
with frosted flakes.
My mom didn't let me
eat sugary cereal.
You know, rots your teeth.
My teeth aren't rotten.
You, you must brush a lot.
- Do you brush a lot?
- I don't know. I guess so.
Let me see 'em.
What?
Let me see those pearly whites.
I bet they sparkle.
- Let me see
those choppers, come on.
Yeah. I knew it.
You have great teeth.
That was... that was...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
That was, um,
it's just the nerves.
That's the problem with these
first dates, you know.
If people got to know
the real me,
you know, they would love me.
But, you know, they
never get to meet me.
You know, because it's just...
Because the, the nerve monster
just rears its ugly head.
Most guys I date online
just want to hook up.
One and done.
They act like I'm crazy for
wanting something more lasting.
Right?
You know people say that those
dating websites are bullshit
but I mean, 96 percent?
I mean, like, that's an
all-time high for me.
I mean my last girlfriend was
like an 84 percent and, you know,
yeah, no surprise that didn't,
that didn't turn out.
Mmm. What happened?
She, um... I had to...
I had to end it.
Tsk. It was for the best.
Mmm.
Sorry.
You are so much hotter
than she was.
I mean, uh... uh...
Prettier.
Should we get the check?
I'm sorry.
- For what?
- For calling you hot.
Why would you
apologize for that?
Because it made me
sound all pervy.
Like I was trying
to hook up with you.
You know.
And I know you don't
like that on a first date.
It's new year's Eve.
I'd have to be the most
unromantic gal in the world
to want to go home
to a lonely apartment.
Yup.
Do you want to go back to my
place and watch the ball drop?
- Can I take your jacket?
- Yeah.
Uh, whoa. Whoa!
Should I not?
Uh, no. It's just. Uh...
I need to use the restroom.
You know, I just...
I want to freshen up.
Okay. Great idea.
Down the hall to the right.
Ryan - Kyle
Peter - John - Reggie
uh! No, no, no, no, no.
Ten!
Nine!
Eight!
Seven!
Six!
Five!
Four!
Three!
Two!
Live from Times Square
new year's celebration
one!
Happy new year!
Happy new year
feliz ano nuevo, carino.
A happy new year to you all
happy new year's
directed by Adam Egypt Mortimer
written by
Kevin Kolsch & Dennis Widmyer