Hollywood Shuffle (1987) Movie Script
Tommy! Tommy!
You killed-ed my brother.
He was my only brother.
I loved-ed this dude, baby.
And you gonna pay, jive sucka.
You done messed with the wrong dude, baby.
I'm gonna be on your ass like a
pair of Fruit Of The Loom.
I'm gonna bounce you harder than a canceled check.
As soon as you get your foot off my face,
I'm gonna hurt you man.
I'm gonna hurt you!
This be my turf, baby.
I owns the east side.
Listen, listen.
Oh, you tough now? Oh, you tough now?
Becausin', you be got your gang?
Becausin' you be got your gang?
But when my gang finds out...
Ohh... Oh..
Why you gotta pull a knife, man?
Why you gotta pull a knife?
- What's the line?
- "I ain't be gottin' no weapon."
I ain't be gottin' no weapon!
I'm shocked Johnny, I am shocked, man. I'm gonna turn...
What's the line?
"I's gonna turn my back, and close my
eyes, and pretend that didn't happen."
"I'm too cool for that."
I'm gonna turn my back, and, and, and close my eyes,
and pretend that didn't happen. I'm too cool for that!
Why you gotta stab me in my back, Johnny?
I'm bleedin'!
Shit!
You stabbed-ed me in the back, Johnny! But I'm bleedin' cool!
Yay, yay.
You're gonna be late for your audition, son.
Mama, if I get this role, everything is gonna change.
- Baby, you just do your best, hear?
- Yes, ma'am.
Good luck, Bobby.
- I hope you get it.
- Shut up.
- "Good luck, Bobby, I hope you get it".
- Thank you, Stevie.
Thursday nights at 8:00 PM
America's favorite TV show, "There's A Bat In My House"
The show that asks the burning question:
Can a black bat from Detroit
find happiness with a white suburban family?
Starring America's favorite funny man,
the hilarious, zany B.B. Sanders as Batty Boy!
What's all this noise?
Can't a bat hang upside down in his cave and get some sleep?
He's half bat, half soul brother...
Say what?
but together, he adds up to big laughs!
"There's A Bat In My House"
Thursday, 8:00 PM.
- See you later, Grandma.
- Good luck.
Good luck, Jimmy, my main man.
- I'm gonna get this one, Grandma.
- Mm hmm
"Yo, man. You're not my brother."
Hey, good luck, Bobby.
- Thanks, Greg.
- Bobby, what's up, man?
- You won't forget about us will you, man?
- I'm forgetting about you, Tommy.
But not your sister.
What's up, man?
Uncle Ray.
- I'm on my way.
- Okay, do it. Do it!
I'll do my best!
Tiny!
Yeah, man.
Go get Mr. Jones for me.
Hey Donald, what's up?
Work.
Mr. Jones! Marlon Brando's here.
Hey, man, I wonder what kinda lie
the brother's gonna tell this time?
Say, every week it's somethin' else, man!
What about that time he said he had
to take his sister to be circumcised?
That brother can lie, man!
Bobby, I don't want to hear anything about your
grandmother, or some audition today, alright?
No, no. I gotta go to the dentist, man.
Bobby, look, Bobby, look, Bobby, bring
a note from the dentist, this time, alright?
- Okay, I'll bring the note.
- Bobby, I'm telling you, man,
If you're not back by the noon rush,
- Then we're gonna have to sit down
and talk very seriously about your job.
- I'll be back, I'll be back.
- Bobby, I'm serious. I'm not kidding, Bobby.
- I'll be back.
I'm serious, Bobby!
I know you're gonna get it.
He ain't even that cute, look at her.
- Boy, look at you.
- Look at you!
To the best actor of the year,
for good luck.
You know, after you get this
part, we're gonna have to celebrate.
Champagne? Candlelight?
- I'll bring the dessert.
- I gotta get this part.
Damn! Shit!
I'm sorry.
Goodbye, Maurice. Girl!
"Bye, Maurice." He ain't funny!
Yeah! Say, good luck, young blood!
- You trick ass sucker!
- Ooh, you're gonna have big fun up there!
- I'm gonna get you, sucka!
- Why you be gotta pull a knife on me?
I be got no weapon!
Let's go outside so I can cut you!
- So what'd you think, man? You think it was good?
- Oh, I don't know, I think we can do better.
I'm Jimmy's main squeeze, please
don't hurt him, he's all I've got!
And then, then they said I
wasn't black enough for the part!
Man, sometimes I think that white
people don't think that light-skinned blacks
- can play street hoods.
- Same thing happened to me.
I was at a casting call once,
and the receptionist asked me what I was here for.
Then she asked me if I was black!
But now I'm workin'.
I use suntan lotion.
Stop trying to kiss me! Get your hand off my leg!
Get your leg off my hand!
The director said, "You have to
meet me at my house, at 12:00 midnight."
Girl, I ain't stupid.
I was there at 11:59!
Okay, 3:30 is fine, thank you.
- Name, please?
- Bobby Taylor.
I have a 10:30.
Bobby Taylor, you're reading for Jimmy.
- Do you have your sides?
- Yeah.
Great. Just have a seat, we'll get to
you as soon as we can. We're running behind.
- Just have a seat.
- Okay
This is Sidney Stewart, the director,
Mandrill Man Vacuum, the writer,
And of course I'm Millicent Roth.
What we're looking for, Miss Strickland,
is the girlfriend, of the brother, of the main character.
She has to be tough, but sensitive.
She knows life, and yet she's very naive at the same time.
And of course she has to be very, very Spanish,
we're looking for a very "West Side Story" kind of look.
- Ask her if she can read it in Spanish. Puerto Rican.
- Do you do a Spanish accent?
Yes, I do.
- Can you do, maybe, your sides for me, with that accent?
- Sure.
Jimmy! Listen to me.
You better run, honey, before the polices come.
- That's very good!
- Wonderful!
Yes, very exciting.
Richard, it's an important film.
And it's a film that can make
the right actor very, very famous.
We're looking for charisma.
We're looking for sex appeal and yet innocence.
We're looking for that certain "je ne sais quoi".
- Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah, I think so.
With that in mind, Richard,
I want you to start reading from the top of the page.
And I want you give it to us, but really give it to us.
- Tell him to relax.
- And relax.
But I need some tension at the same time.
But not too relaxed, but don't forget to give me sparkle.
- Can I start?
- Oh please, please, any time you're ready.
This is Jimmy, man! Jimmy!
And when my gang finds out, you'll be dead!
Time out, Richie.
Anyway, after getting my degree from
the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art,
I decided to come to Hollywood and do some movies.
Good, why don't you start with the speech?
- That's very interesting.
- Sure, okay.
Let me see.
What it is, bro! I ain't afraid of you!
What is happenin' with your cool vines?
- Thank you, thank you, that was...
- You're the worst actor I've ever seen in my life.
- I have to be frank with you, I'm sorry.
- I could do it in iambic...
You be messin' with the wrong dude, bro.
- Thank you, that was very nice, thank you.
- I got...
- Thank you.
- Very nice.
- Did you like it?
- Very much.
- Leave the sides with reception.
- Thank you.
- No, no, leave it up front.
- Okay, I'll see you on the shoot.
- Long distance. Her mother.
- She's going there. No I won't be going there.
- How can she tell how good of an actress I am if she's not...
No, but I have an analyst appointment at 7:00 at night!
- Could she feel more black?
- And no, and then I have to go to the hair...
- Yeah, could she feel a little bit more black?
- Do you have the final say on whether I get cast or not?
- I'm directing the film.
- I'm directing the film.
- No, I can't Mom, no!
- Okay. Listen...
- Yeah, go on.
I'm sorry. She's distracting me.
- I just can't go through with...
- No no no no...
Maybe at 7:00? 8:00 o'clock? 8:00 o'clock? Alright, 8:00.
- Thank you.
- Now I understand you're looking for a tough...
I understand you're looking for a tough girl.
- I can play a tough girl.
- Thank you!
I said I can play a tough girl!
- Thank you.
- Wonderful!
I ain't be gottin' no weapon!
Why you be gotta pull a knife on me!
I be shocked!
Wonderful!
You know, I'm in a real gang, man. You
know, I don't play no Hollywood bullshit, man.
Like, you know. I'm for reals, man. And
that's why i know I can play the part, man.
Alright, Mr. Rodriguez, that's it!
- Put the knife away and get the hell out of here!
- Vivian, get security.
You see, sucker.
You jive turkey!
This is bullshit.
Wh.. what?
This is bullshit.
What are you talking about?
This is some more of the white man stereotype
of a black man, yeah, brother.
- Really?
- Yeah, brother!
Only an Uncle Tom would do this shit. They're
just lookin' for somebody to sellout to.
Sellout?
The only role they're gonna let us do is a
slave, a butler, or some street hood or somethin'.
Don't sellout brother. Don't be a butler or a slave.
Jesse Wilson. Jesse Wilson, you're next!
That's me. Good luck, brother!
A butler or a slave...
Stop it!
Stop, you hear?
Now, you said you wanted your freedom!
You knows you ain't gonna have no freedom back there.
Wh.. what if we get caught? What if we get caught?
Boy, I'll kill you if you don't stop that crying!
And I kills anybody else that stands in the ways of freedom!
Now we ain't goin' back! That there ain't not our home!
So let's move!
I can't waits to get my freedom!
Mandingo, I's go anywhere with you.
Mandingo, I's love you.
I love you too, Bessie, Willie Mae.
Mandingo, Mandingo, I can't go back
there. I love you, too, Mandingo.
- But Miss Ann, what about your kinfolk?
- I don't care. I'm goin' with you.
Okay.
I don't know why we's leavin' massa's house.
He bein' good to us.
He feed us on Saturday,
clothe us on Sunday,
and then beat us on Monday.
Or was it Tuesday? I dunno.
Jasper, I's don't wants to go, I's a house nigga, Jasper.
What?
Jasper, don't you wants freedom? We goin' to the promised land.
The promised land.
- Promised land? Cleveland?
- No, Jasper.
- Baltimore?
- No, Jasper, the promised land!
Oh, the promised land.
Minnesota?
And, cut.
Hi, my name is Robert Taylor, and I'm a black actor.
I had to learn to play these slave parts,
and now you can too, at Hollywood's first Black Acting School.
Black Acting School
- It teaches you everything. Learn Jive Talk 101.
You motherfuckin' jive turkey motherfucker!
Black Acting School
- Alright, alright, that's good, that's good. Good work.
Alright, you try it.
- You, you fucking mothers. Fucking turkey jive.
- No, no, no, no, man, no, no, that's wrong, that's wrong.
Watch me, man. Just be cool!
Jive turkey motherfucka!!
Black Acting School
- Good work, good work!
That's only the beginning. You, too, can learn to walk black.
No, no, no, no
No rhythm. Observe.
Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!
You too can be a black street hood. But
this class is for dark-skinned blacks only.
Light-skin or yellow blacks don't make good crooks.
Here's a student in our advanced class.
I didn't steal that TV. It just happened to be under my coat.
I don't know nothin' police woman, Kojak, Ironside.
Yeah, I'm a gang leader.
I'm in The War Lords, The Vice Lords, The Onionheads.
Black Acting School
- Let's talk to a graduate. This is Ricky Taylor.
Ricky graduated from our class three years ago.
Ricky, can you tell us what you've
been doing since you've graduated?
Well, Robert, I've played nine crooks,
four gang leaders, two dope dealers.
- I played a rapist twice.
- Whoah!
That was fun.
Currently, I'm filming a prison movie.
I play this tough con that tries to fuck this new inmate.
That sounds wonderful! I'm so happy for you!
Need I say any more?
It's Hollywood's first Black Acting
School. It teaches you everything!
Classes are enrolling now.
Learn to play TV pimps, movie muggers, street punks.
Courses include: Jive Talk 101, Shuffling 200, Epic Slaves 400
Dial 1-(800)-555-COON.
Black Acting School
Don't try to be cool, call Hollywood's first Black Acting School!
Alright!
Today!
Bobby, you don't want your job do you?
- I want my job, Mr. Jones, I really do.
- Bobby, Bobby, you don't act like it, Bobby.
Look, each week, a new emergency.
You've had every disease known to man
- And I haven't seen one damn doctor's note.
- I just lose them sometimes...
Bobby, this ain't the poopbutt league,
man, ain't no poopbutts 'round here!
This is not your average hot dog stand.
You know what this is? This is Winky Dinky Dog!
I know, I know, and I'm glad to be
workin' here at Winky Dinky Dog.
Yeah, it sends chills down my spine
every time I say it, Winky Dinky Dog!
Bobby, say it with me, come on.
Winky Dinky Dog! Winky, Dinky, Dog! Yeah! Woo! Mmm hmm hmm.
Yeah, I like that.
Mr. Jones, it's not that I'm not happy workin' here.
It's just that acting allows me to be creative.
Bobby, you can create here.
I created the Winky Dinky Dog. 100% beef!
Winky Dinky Hamburger.
Winky Dinky Donut. Winky Dinky Dip.
And I got a new one, Bobby. The Winky Dinky Hoecake.
Hoecake?
- Hoecake. Hoe's got to eat too, right?
- Right, you're right.
That's right, hoe's gotta eat. I hate to lose you, Bobby.
It's a big thing coming up, talk
to him man, Winky Dinky Hoecake.
If it was up to me you'd be fired!
My man Tiny ready to kick your ass!
I ain't afraid of Tiny! Tiny ain't kickin' my ass!
I wish he would bring his big fat ass...
Hey Ti.. I'll make it up to you.
Cuz I'm gonna be a star one day, man.
Naw, naw, you're gonna be seein' stars, man.
- Yo, yo, chill, check it out, check it out.
- Look at them bodyguards, man.
- There's a bomb over here.
- Are you serious?!
Naw, naw, naw, it's just the muffler,
man. It's just the muffler, it's alright.
You sure had me...
- Look at them...
- Hey man, who's that in there?
- I dunno.
- Oh that's that.. that's Batty Boy!
Yeah! Yeah! That dude Batty Boy!
From that TV show! About that black bat
that live in the house with the white family!
- Oh yeah, "A Bat In My House".
- Right, right!
It's some funny shit, man! And when he get away he goes like this:
- "Batty, batty, batty."
- Yeah.
- Yo, man, let's go take his order.
- Okay.
Welcome to Winky Dinky Dog, Mr. Batty.
May we take your order, please?
One Winky Dinky Dog, with cheese.
And one without. Extra Special Sauce.
- You got that, Tiny?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- One with cheese, and spit on the other one.
- Alright, I got you.
Man, we watch your show all the time,
every night. "Batty, batty, batty!"
- "Get my stick, there's a bat in the house."
- Hey man, get off, get off!
- Don't touch his hand!
- And don't touch his clothes!
- Yo, later for you, bat head!
Yo, man, your show sucks, man, you ain't no actor, man.
That's all special effects, man.
Peasant.
I can't believe it's you, man!
Mr. Batty, how do you tell a good script?
Does your character die in the script?
No.
Then, it's a good script.
- But what about art?
- It's not about art.
It's about, sequel!
One film, one! Can make an entire career.
Just look at me. "Batty, batty, batty."
I read in a magazine that you still take acting classes.
And that you don't drink or do drugs.
Relax, Mr. Batty, relax.
Don't say drugs around the man. And
don't say coke or freebase, neither.
Unless you got some.
Just remember that.
- I'm gonna work with you someday.
- Sure, kid.
I want to do a movie with you someday, Mr. Batty.
I had an audition today, man, it was good, man!
It sounds like you did pretty good, man.
It looks like my chances are good.
Man, if I get this role, man, it's the lead in this movie, man.
Wow, man, they say in showbiz, it only takes one good movie,
and you could be a star, man.
Bobby T, check it out!
Man, I just hope the critics like
it, man, cuz they can shoot a movie down.
- Aw man, the critics don't know nothin'.
- Right, they don't know nothin'.
It's just like that TV show. You
know, the one with the two critics.
With the fat dude? The fat dude and the glasses?
He act like he knows everything.
Yeah, they need some real brothers critiquing the movies!
- Yeah. Givin' up the real!
- That's right, man. Ya dig?
Real brothers.
What's up, man?
Welcome to Sneakin' Into Movies.
My name is Speed, and this is my homeboy, Tyrone.
And we are like uh, movie critics and shit.
Well not really. Peep this. Each week, me and my boy, you know.
We go to different theaters and stuff,
and sneak in, and check out the movies.
Then, we come back, and tell y'all what's up.
Like, if y'all should pay money and shit.
Today, the first movie we will be reviewing
is a classical movie called Amadeus Meets "Salerius",
- about two motherfuckers really into music.
- And here's the clip.
If I could sear out my eyes,
tear my music from the skies and
hearts and souls of every human being
that has ever heard it...
I would give anything to have him back into my soul...
thine eyes, thine heart,
and whisper no more.
But to be without him,
the skies will see no more than nothing.
- Bullshit!
- I didn't like this movie at all.
My first problem was the fact that I couldn't say the title.
I get tired of titles I can't pronounce, and shit.
If you want people to come and see it,
a motherfucker gotta be able to tell
his woman where he gonna take her.
You gonna lean over to your woman and say:
"I'm taking you to Amaduh, Amaduh, Amaduh..."
You know what I mean? I didn't like it.
Here's the next clip, Chicago Jones, Temple of Doom.
Got any other bright ideas, Chicago?
Let's jump.
You gotta be crazy!
Trust me.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah. I can do anything.
Let's jump.
Okay.
You ready?
1, 2, 3, go!
- You okay?
- Just a run in my stocking.
Let's go.
I'll start, I'll start, I tell you, I enjoyed the first and second
Chicago Jones and Temple of Dooms, you know?
I kinda gave the guy points, it's a little
unbelievable, but it's possible, you know?
- I know he's a bad motherfucker and all, I know that...
- Right, right.
but, him jumping off mountains with his
mother, you know, and not gettin' hurt?
Naw that's bullshit.
I disagree. I disagree, homeboy!
I believed this movie. A dude could jump off a mountain,
and not hurt himself because he did brace himself.
And he knew somethin' about the
levels of gravitivity and polarity.
What? Naw, that's bullshit, man, that's bullshit.
Man, you don't know shit about science
cuz you dropped out of high school!
- Hey, man, why you gotta bring that up, man?
- Cuz it's the truth.
Hey I know it's the truth but that.. hey, man, fuck you!
- Aw, well, whatcha gonna do about it?
- Hey man, I'm gonna bust your ass!
- Aw yeah, yeah, after the clip.
- Okay, yeah, okay.
Well right now, we're gonna review this
next movie, the new movie about Dirty Larry.
Alright, what do you punks want?
We want a helicopter.
- We want a helicopter!
- Alright, I'll get you a helicopter.
Larry, am I glad to see you! They got hostages.
- They want to go to the airport.
- Alright, just keep the SWAT team back.
I'll handle it.
Alright, why don't you punks freeze and drop your guns on the ground?
What'd you say honky sucker pighead jive turkey fool?
I said drop your guns to the ground!
Make us, cop! It's three of us,
and it's only one of you.
Well why don't you meet my
friends, Mr. Smith & Mr. Wesson.
Wow, that's a big gun, man.
You know, it's not just a gun, it's a .44
Magnum, it's the most powerful handgun around.
- No shit?
- No shit.
Yo, man, how much did it cost?
About $300, I'm not sure though, I got it on sale.
- How many bullets does it hold?
- Six.
- Larry?
- What?
- I got a cramp in my neck.
- Let the lady go.
- Why?
- Because.
- Because why?
- Because I say so.
- Who are you, man?
- He's Dirty Larry.
- That's right.
- We don't care.
You take one step, and you're
gonna be talking to your maker.
Go on.
Make my day!
Bullshit, man, I didn't like this movie
at all. Realism is very important to me.
Say like, you take somebody
hostage, you all nervous and shit,
they ain't got time for no conversation.
That's right. He's having a conversation,
they chill out and listen,
three brothers with guns?!
- He's supposed to, he's supposed to take the, the money.
- Right.
- Take the hoe. Take the hoe, you know that.
- Right.
And take the car, and get the fuck outta there.
I can't believe it, cuz he would have been dead
a long time ago, talkin' that shit, "Make my day"
Right, right, cuz as soon as he said "Make my day",
Boom, do fifty bullets in your ass make your day?
You know.
Shit. Bullshit.
Well, that was bullshit. Now, the
next clip, I think you will enjoy.
Yeah, it's called Attack Of The Street Pimps, check it out.
You should've seen them. They got Randy. You gotta run!
- Randy?
- What the hell's wrong with her?
Shit, girl! Watch where the fuck you're goin'!
Oh, god, you scared me. I thought it was them!
What are you talkin' about?
Them!
- Girl I don't see anybody.
- Neither do I.
Listen, you gotta run! You gotta hide!
They were after me and Verda and...
Listen!
Shit, man! That bitch lost her mind!
Her pimp done drove her crazy.
He done hit her upside her head once too many.
- No, I've never seen her act like that before.
- Aw, man, she had another fight with T-Bird.
He probably beat her ass good.
No.
Shit!
Thelma, come on!
Where's my bitches?
Jimmy?
Oh god, Sugar Pie, Huey, Mad Dog, Fly Guy! No! No! No!
- What's your phone number, baby?
- Call me.
Now that was a good movie!
I love this movie, it was genius!
The direction, the acting, the storyline, that shit was bad!
The motherfucker scared the shit out of me, man!
- That shit could really happen.
- I believed this movie.
Like, you get all those pimps together,
walkin' around and shit, with big hats on?
Right, right, that was live.
The director captured the essence of
street life in a whore type situation.
Pimps lookin' for hoes, it was live.
- And that actress? That played the hoe?
- Wasn't she good?
She was excellent, marvelous, effervescent!
Yeah man, and actin' all terrified and shit.
This movie is like a nightmare.
- You know, the one dude man, with the yellow suit on?
- Yeah!
Man, he looked like this dude right
around the corner from my house, man!
That's what's so horrifying about it!
And now, to recap the movies we saw...
We both gave thumbs down to that classical shit
Amadeus Meets "Salerius".
We disagreed on Chicago Jones.
I gave it a thumbs down, but he liked-ed that bullshit.
Dirty Larry, the movie where the crooks wait for
Larry to go in his jacket, pull out a big ass gun,
what'd they think he was lookin'
for? His American Express card? Damn!
We both gave Dirty Larry the finger.
The last movie we really enjoyed.
It was full of stereotypes, but, it was well directed,
and we thought the combining of the zombie pimps
and the street hoes was brilliant.
We gave it the serious high five.
And that recaps all the movies we saw.
Well, join us next week, when we will
be reviewing like five new movies.
- That's if we can sneak in the movie theaters and check 'em out.
- Yeah.
- So see you y'all next week.
- See you next week.
- Let me see your tickets!
- Uh, I think I lost mine, man.
Oh, shit! I think I left mine in the bathroom,
you know, cuz I was takin' a piss,
- and you can't hold it in your hand when you're pissin'.
- Alright, let's go, come on.
We'll see you next week!
- Where's my bat?
- I'll show you!
- Say what?
- Mr. Wilson!
Wings, don't fail me now! Batty, batty, batty!
Wings, don't fail me now!
Hello?
Who's calling?
Yes, sir, he's here. It's for you.
- Who is it?
- Your agent.
- What does he want?
- I don't know.
Hello, Marty? What did they say?
They liked me a lot. Uh huh, uh huh.
But what?
They want an Eddie Murphy type?
What's an Eddie Murphy type?
Oh they want somebody to act like Eddie Murphy?
Why can't I just act?
So I didn't get it.
I got a callback?
I got a callback? Well why didn't
you say that in the beginning?
Okay, okay, okay. Well just call me back with the details.
Okay, Marty, bye. Have a good day.
- I got a callback.
- You got a callback.
I got a callback.
What we're looking for, is an Eddie Murphy type.
We want somebody who can act
like Eddie Murphy from head to toe.
That's what we want.
Someone who can dress like Eddie
Murphy, to look like Eddie Murphy,
to BE Eddie Murphy, to give him,
the actor himself, a Murphy-ectomy,
to have a Murphy like quality,
Murphy-esque, to be Murph-onic.
O'tay!
Shut up!
Hello, kids, it's your old friend, Mr. Robinson.
Me!
There he is! He is the one we want!
I just want to be me. I don't want to be Eddie Murphy.
I just want to be me. I just want...
Yes!
- Get the fuck outta here.
- That's what we're looking for.
- Man, I am tired of this bullshit!
- Give it to him, man, give it to him.
Now look, you come in here every day with another excuse
- so you can go out and do that acting thing,
I'm tired, I don't wanna hear it no more!
- Same bullshit.
Now you sell that shit to Mr. Jones.
- Don't bring it here, baby, cuz we're
trying to run a business, okay?!
- Look at him ignorin' you.
Now, look, I don't wanna bust your bubble,
but you ain't never gonna make it at that acting thing.
I have seen you on TV, and I'm telling you now...
Let me rap to him. Hey man, I saw
the film you did on TV the other night.
It sucked, Bobby.
Give it up. You'll never be a Stepin Fetchit.
You don't even know nobody famous.
Who do you know? Your uncle, he tried.
Look at him now, sweeping up hair in a barber shop.
You got an opportunity here, man.
That's right, after five years, they let me lock up the place.
You think any studio gonna let you lock up the place?
This man got responsibilities. You could have responsibilities.
Look man, look at me.
When I first came here, I was nobody like you.
Three months later, assistant crew
chief. Six months after that, crew chief.
I went from $2.00 to $2.25 in six months.
Now we talkin' about makin' it!
- Give the acting up, Bobby. Please, Bobby!
- Give the acting thing up, man.
I'm not gonna be working here all of
my life. I'm gonna make it as an actor.
Winky Dinky Dog.
Donald, you stupid little pea brain.
And Tiny, all you care about is food.
I'm gonna come back to this place
one day, as somebody, you'll see.
You'll see. You'll see. You'll see.
- Come on, Donald, man, give me half a hot dog, man.
- No!
- Hey man, ain't my half ownin' the place?
- Yes.
- Well give me my half a hot dog!
- I said no, you already ate half my hat!
Look, we only got two hot dogs left, man!
What do you wanna eat 1/4 of the inventory?
- Bobby!
- Donald, Tiny, it's been a long time!
Yeah, what, ten years? Man, we've been watchin' you on TV
and the movies. I always knew you was gonna make it, man!
- Didn't I always say he was gonna make it?
- Yeah, yeah, sure did.
How is Mr. Jones doing?
Aw, hey, he lost his shirt on that hoecake thing.
He over in that corner, talking
to hisself, he went plum crazy.
Hold on a minute, damn it, let me put out my napkins!
How you gonna eat without no napkins
around? You got to have some napkins!
Hold on now, what kinda hoecakes you want?
You want the wine? You want the wine hoecake?
He lost his mind, man.
Yeah, Skeezy, how many you want?
Michael wants some too? Yeah I know.
- Hoecakes. Everyone loves hoecakes.
- We need you, Bobby, we need you man!
Could you do a commercial for us, Bobby?
I know you can't tell, but the
business really ain't doin' that good.
- Could you, please?
- Please, Bobby!
- Could you please, do a commercial for us.
- Please! Please!
So please, please, please, get
your shit together, or you're fired!
You can have Winky Dinky Dog.
I quit, crew chief, fat boy!
- You'll be back, man.
- Yeah, keep your hat, you're gonna need it!
- He'll be back!
- Damn right!
And when you come back it'll be for less pay!
Hey, Bobby, come on in.
Just getting ready to close up the place, how's it goin'?
It's goin'.
So yeah, Bobby, what's been happenin'?
How's grandma and the family?
I quit my job.
I was workin' there for three years.
And you should've quit three years ago.
That job was just a waste of your time.
You've gotta do it while you're young, Bobby,
before you fall in love and get a family.
Cuz if you don't, time's got a way of creepin' up on you,
and kicking you in your ass.
What if I'm not that good?
What if I don't make it?
What if you DO make it?
And what if you ARE that good?
Bobby, you'll never know until you try.
You've gotta give it your all, Bobby.
You've got to give it everything you've got.
I know,
cuz it happened to me.
I stopped believin' in me,
I started listening to all those other
people tell me what I couldn't do.
I kept listenin'
and listenin'.
Until one day, I started believin' it,
and I quit.
I lost my chops.
Man, when I was singin',
I was the happiest man alive.
On stage, doin' it!
Bobby, there ain't nothin' to it but to do it!
You could be the greatest actor ever born.
Doin' Shakespeare on the stage, playin' the hero in some movie.
Maybe the first black Superman.
One day, win that Oscar.
You gotta believe in yourself, Bobby.
Don't play yourself cheap.
Don't ever let anybody take away your dream.
Come on, let's go.
- I said, my main man.
- No, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, you gotta say, my MAIN man.
My MAIN man.
Excellent, that was real jive, Robert!
I mean, I was like, the street, like "what be happenin'?"
- Alright, alright.
- You were wonderful, Robert.
- Totally awesome.
- Shit, shit!
Thank you, Mandrill. Thank you, Stewart.
Robert, very, very nice work.
Very nice work, Robert, we're very pleased.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
- Bye!
- Bye.
- Fabulous. Oh my god!
- Dynamite. Dynamite!
- Did you see that walk? Think we can use that kind of walk?
- Do you want me to call his agent?
- Oh, absolutely.
- That is our Jimmy. That is our Jimmy.
- Yes. My words. My words, he was a match.
- Your words are fabulous. Your words are fabulous.
Jive, tough, charismatic. That's our Jimmy, very black.
- Bobby, are you trying to get me drunk?
- No!
Where's everybody else in the house?
I don't know. They went out.
Where'd they go?
They just went out, and left me here all by myself.
And then you came...
Hi, Lydia.
Grandma, aren't you home kinda early?
Well, I didn't want to play Bingo
tonight and listen to a lot of gossip.
Where's Stevie?
He's spendin' the night over Michael's house.
- How come you home?
- We were celebratin'.
Didn't mama tell you? I got the part in the movie!
Oh yeah, she told me. Congratulations.
Why didn't you go out?
My unemployment check didn't come today,
and so we decided to just stay in and watch TV.
There this good detective movie that's on tonight.
Oh well, I just love detective movies!
Welcome to the Wednesday night movie.
Tonight, Sam Ace is back fighting crime.
This movie will be shown with no commercial interruptions.
This is Sam Ace.
Yeah. I've seen it three times.
This is the city. My city.
This is where I work.
It's a tough beat, but somebody's gotta do it.
I'm a private investigator. My name is Sam Ace.
I fight crime.
It was Friday night.
I sat in my office waitin' on the phone to ring.
Could it be one of my dames?
Nah, it was some fag.
It's a long story, I was drunk at a Christmas party.
Suddenly, there was a knock at my door,
then she walked in.
I could tell by her shoes, this dame had class.
I could tell by her purse, she didn't have much money.
And I could tell by her face, she was desperate.
My name is Debra Jenkins. I need your help.
Have a seat.
My brother was murdered.
Police found his body in an alley two days ago.
All he wanted to do was dance.
His name was Carl Jenkins, but
everybody called him Cookiehead.
He was the best breakdancer in the country, Mr. Ace.
Nobody could copy his moves.
He had a unique style. He was poetry in motion.
He was the best!
My fee is $50 a day,
plus expenses.
Mr. Ace, money is no problem.
If you find my brother's killer, I'll give you anything.
When she said "anything", she meant it.
She was talkin' about doin' the
nasty, and I like, doin' the nasty.
So began the case.
I started with the people closest to Cookie first. His mother.
She said he was a good boy.
She just hoped he had on clean underwear when they found him.
I didn't know how to tell her, he didn't.
I talked to Cookie's father. He
didn't believe Cookie was his real son.
I didn't know how to tell him, he
wasn't. Cookie favored the milkman.
I was getting nowhere. I needed answers.
It was time to play rough.
Alright.
So I didn't see nothin'.
But I can tell you this though, Mr. Ace,
if someone was gonna kill Cookiehead it'd have been Jheri Curl.
Who's Jheri Curl?
He hated Cookiehead like he was an afro.
Where can I find him?
He live up on 39th street.
Just follow the empty activator bottles to his crib.
Okay, okay.
If he's not there Ace, he hang out at this dance studio.
There was a dance class going on.
A funny thought came to me. Could a guy in a skirt kick my ass?
I doubt it.
Hey, not bad!
The class was over with. I had to move fast.
Excuse me,
do you know where I can find Jheri Curl?
Jheri Curl? What do you want with Jheri Curl?
I just need to ask him some questions.
- Questions about what?
- Cookiehead Jenkins.
Cookiehead Jenkins?!
Yeah.
- You was a friend of his?
- Yeah, you could say I was a friend.
Okay.
Now who else wants some?
I want some.
I want some, too.
You want some more? You want some more?
Get out of here! You want some more?
Who sent you here?
- Your mama.
- Yeah, smart ass.
Yeah, smart aleck! Get him outta here!
You lookin' for me, punk?
- You must be Jheri Curl.
- Yeah, how'd you guess?
I need to ask you some questions about Cookiehead Jenkins.
I don't know nobody named Cookiehead Jenkins.
And don't be comin' around here askin' for me no more!
Jheri Curl had won the first round, but it wasn't over.
I was gonna make him pay. Not for kicking me in the stomach,
but for dripping activator all over
my suit. My cleaning bills were a bitch.
I headed back to the office. The
door had been opened. How? Who? Why?
- Just the lady I wanted to see!
- Sam, what happened?!
You come in my office with this song and dance about
how your brother was almost an angel.
I get out on the streets, I got 200
suspects that wanted to kill your brother.
Now what kinda game are you playin'?
What can I do to show you that I'm being straight with you?
I knew exactly what she could do, and she did too.
As she walked towards me, I saw that twinkle in her eyes.
I knew it was time, to do the nasty.
And I like, doin' the nasty.
She was a good kisser, but her breath was stinkin'.
But so what?
You don't get rid of a Rolls-Royce because it has a dent in it.
I had never done it before on my desk.
I was just glad to be on top.
I'd hate to do the nasty with a stapler up my ass.
I headed back to the dance studio. I knew Jheri Curl was lyin'.
I had to make him talk.
Yo man, I got this move, man.
Pass that move over to Jheri.
1, 2, 3, Curl!
Don't stop, don't stop, do the Jheri Curl.
Hey keep movin', don't stop,
Rock it, Jheri Curl!
Jheri Curl!
What you here for, another ass whoopin' man?
No, just some answers.
Nick, Eddie, get this punk outta here.
Back up.
Hey that's my activator, man.
Back up!
Back up, back up, back up, back up.
Okay, now just put my activator down, man.
Where were you the day Cookiehead got killed?
I was at the hair salon, man, I was
gettin' my curl done, I was there all day.
- Where?
- Okay, I wasn't there all day, man.
Afterwards, I went out on Crenshaw, and
I bought me some hair care products, man.
I got some activator, some glycerin, and some curl activator, man.
Alright, and then I went down to the beach!
You went down to the beach and you
killed Cookiehead Jenkins, didn't you?!
No!
Yeah, I tried. I tried, man.
I put the activator down on the board,
I wanted the dude to slip and fall,
but he turned it into a breakdance move,
man, I swear! I didn't kill him, man!
- And that's the truth?
- Yes! That's the truth, man, I swear!
Please, please, give me my activator, man!
Please give me my activator, please, please.
Please! Please! Activator...
Please, I swear. Give me my activator...
Two days later, Jheri Curl confessed
to the murder of Cookiehead Jenkins.
I had solved the death of a breakdancer.
Oh, by the way,
Debra got the money from the insurance company. $100,000.
And I'm in love.
With the money.
I wonder how long it takes to spend a hundred grand?
See ya next week.
I'm Sam Ace.
Now that's the kind of role I want to play.
You will.
I feel nervous about tomorrow.
It's your first day.
Naw that's not it.
I just feel funny doing this kind of character.
I just wish it were something different.
You'll be fine.
- You think so?
- Mm hmm.
Is my grandmother still asleep?
Yeah.
Good.
Rags to riches
We're talking to fans outside the Bobby Taylor concert.
10,000 seater. What do you think of Bobby Taylor?
Basically, you know, I'll pay to
see any of Bobby Taylor's movies.
Hard work, hard work, and dedication to what you feel
Thank god, thank god, American dreams can become so real
I'm Bobby Taylor. Thank you, no pictures now, please.
Overnight sensation
"My big brother is very important to me, because I love him.
He is an actor. He's been on TV and everything.
He can act happy or sad, or real cool. He is the greatest."
I just wish the boy would get his life together.
Mama, don't you start.
- You know they're hirin' down at that post office.
- Yeah.
They pay good pay down there.
- Mm hmm.
- Mm hmm.
Mama, look, Bobby has a dream of becoming an actor.
Just be happy for the boy!
- Oh hi, sweetheart.
- Good morning, Mom, good morning, Grandma.
- Good morning, Bobby.
Ma, could you hurry up? I don't wanna
be late for my first day of shooting.
Bobby, I'm doing it as fast as I can, now.
Ma, the director said it's okay if you
wanna come down to the filming today.
I know, sugar, but Mama may not be able to get down there.
- Alright.
- I'll be there.
Okay, grandma.
Now don't get me wrong, I am happy for Bobby.
But I don't want no grandson of mine out
there tryin' to act like a street hustler!
Black folks got enough negative images,
without my grandson out there addin'
to that mindless bullshit out there.
- Mama!
- Yes, I said it, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!
- Mama if you don't be quiet that boy gonna hear you!
- I don't care!
Every time you look at the TV,
always somebody actin' like a pimp
or some jive ass nigga. Kids don't need to see that stuff.
Acting like they think it's cool to be in a gang.
Like just the other day I saw Stevie walk
around the house, tryin' to act cool, hah!
Mama, everything you're sayin' is right, but it's work!
There's work at the post office, too!
Hmm.
What's happenin', big brother?
I wanna be just like you! I got three
chicks waitin' in our car for us, man!
Come on! Come on!
Let's go! Come on!
What did you say?
I said good morning.
Yeah, morning, Stevie.
Okay, pick me up at 4:00 honey, bye bye.
- I love you, Madeline.
- I love you, John.
I adore you. You're everything to me.
My heart beats for only you.
And I, for you.
- Your lips.
- John, no.
Can I help you?
- No! No! No!
- Joe, bubbie, baby, sweetheart, I'm your agent. Listen to me!
- This is a great deal!
- I said no! No!
- It's your contract, Joe, I'm tellin' you, you've got to do it.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I'm not just gonna kill 38 people in this picture!
This script needs to be rewritten.
This picture is gonna be a box office smash,
I need to kill more people. I'm the hero!
It's a 38 kill deal Joe, that's the deal, that's your contract.
- Yeah, and why can't you make it 39?
- Joe, originally, it was 15 kill.
I gotta get a new wig.
- Sidney, talk to this man. Would you talk to him?
- I can't talk to him, Sam, he's a moron!
You're never gonna work in this town again!
Yo, young blood.
Stage #7. Dressing room's on the left.
Thanks.
Wardrobe, Mr. Taylor. You have a good one.
Hey!
- My man from the audition, right?
- Yeah.
- Hey, what part you playin'?
- Jimmy.
Oh, so YOU got Jimmy. Congratulations, man.
Come on, give it up.
Hey, I only got one line, you know. Hey, but that's cool.
I understand the NAACP is gonna picket this movie,
cuz somebody read the script!
Mm hmm
But I'm glad you got the part,
because I would never play that part, because of my values.
But hey, I'm different, congratulations, man!
Thanks.
The NAACP could picket ME...
No more Bobby Taylor! No more Bobby Taylor!
I'm standing outside the home of Bobby Taylor,
a young black actor, who took a lead role
in a stereotypical movie about street life.
The NAACP has picketed this movie, but this is
the first time that an actor has ever been picketed.
Here to explain is the president
of the Hollywood branch of the NAACP,
Mr. Jamal Harris.
I hope that you're all paid up members
of the NAACP Hollywood branch, thank you.
We felt we had to put our foot down,
by making Bobby Taylor an example.
We feel that black actors should not
have to accept these stereotype roles,
such as crying slaves, tar babies,
- jungle bunnies.
- Tar.. babies? Jungle bunnies?
And I say that as long as black actors play these roles,
they'll never play the Rambos, until they stop playing the Sambos.
- Thank you, Mr. Harris.
- Thank you, Mr. Harris.
- Thank you, Mr. Harris.
There's Bobby Taylor's little brother Stevie.
Wait a minute, I'm not finished. Isn't
this gonna be in Spanish? Hold on!
How do you feel about what your brother has done?
He's not my brother. He's just a guy that
lives in the same house. He's a renter.
But you were seen down on the movie set, isn't that true?
No comment. If you print that, I'll sue!
I don't have a grandson anymore.
I really don't. And what am I gonna do about it?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do about it,
I am going to write me a book about him.
- A book? What's the name of it.
- Mm hmm. Bobby Dearest.
You used to work with Bobby Taylor, could
you tell me, was he always an Uncle Tom?
Yeah. Yes! Always Uncle Tom.
Mama, daddy was a Tom. Uncle was a Tom.
I think that Bobby Taylor is a two-bit goat smellin' spook
obviously from the coon repertory theater of America.
Eat Tom turkeys on Thanksgiving.
I'm so sick and tired of people like Bobby
Taylor comin' around and influencing the kids.
Got my kid grabbin' his wally, shinin' shoes
You ain't gonna be no star, Bobby, until you get that brown
stuff off the tip of your nose, I know you brown nosin' over there.
We are out here sweatin' like niggas
going to the election in Georgia
because he chooses to bug his eyes, yank on his dick,
and pull those raggedy skidmarked
drawers out of the crack of his black ass.
I have nothing else to say about Bobby Taylor!
Bobby Taylor is a coon! Be a star very soon!
How do you feel about being with Bobby in his film career?
I believe him, and I will stand by him.
How do you really feel?
I WILL stand by him!
Come on, sister!
As a black woman, you mean you're happy
with your boyfriend with that watermelon smile?
I'm proud of my race. And no, I don't like it.
I really thought he was gonna make the
right choice, but obviously he didn't.
I didn't know that he was gonna
act like some sort of pickaninny.
My girlfriends are laughing behind my back.
They ask me: "Does he make THOSE kind of faces in bed?"
Do you make THOSE faces in bed?
Sometimes.
I have thought about it, and thought about it.
And I have come to one conclusion.
We kill him.
Kill Bobby Taylor, kill Bobby Taylor.
Kill Bobby, kill Bobby, kill him, kill him!
Cut. Cut.
Sidney, they are tearing the heart out of my chest!
- What are they doing to my words? These are my words. Street, street!
- Okay, we'll take care of it.
- He's right, it's awful.
- You hear the man, right? You hear the man?
- You're killing his dialogue, you're killing his words.
- This is my baby!
This is supposed to be street, you
know? Now let's get another scene in.
Let's go again.
Actors, actors, come on, first positions, first positions.
Jivetime Jimmy's Revenge, scene 10, apple 1.
Action!
Come on, turkey.
Go get Jimmy! Go get him!
Johnny?
Uh uh.
Tommy?
You maricncock-a-roach!
- Johnny, you killed him.
- Yeah, you right!
Johnny, you killed Tom.
Yeah, you know I'm a bad dude, Jack.
- Yeeeah!
- Yeah!
You better run before the polices come!
Johnny, it's Jimmy!
Jimmy!
Tommy!
Talk to me, Tommy.
I'm mad!
I want revenge!
My patience is spent!
Good god!
Tommy, hit me.
Two times.
On the good foot.
Tommy.
Camel walk, Tommy.
- Afros.
- Yeah!
- Afros!
- Yeah!
I want revenge!
I want revenge.
- Afros!
- Yeah.
Back up.
You Beaners! You back up!
You back up!
You back up!
- You back up!
- Somebody! Back up.
You killed-ed my brother.
My main man. I loved-ed this dude, baby!
He was, he was, uh...
- Cut. Cut.
- Why is he stopping?
Bobby, that was terrific, that was
terrific, why'd you stop? What happened?
Oh, there's no problem. I just forgot my line.
Okay, that's fine, no problem. You want to look at the script?
- No, I'm okay.
- Great. Okay. Let's go again.
Excuse me, Sidney, before you do, I have another very good idea.
Could you tell him to be a little more, you know...
Yeah, Bobby, uh, Bobby?
I need uh, a little more black.
You know what I'm saying? Like, stick your ass out,
bug the eyes. You know how they move, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, jive ass, jive ass, yeah jive ass.
- That slated? Let's go again.
- Okay. Sorry, Sidney.
- Jivetime Jimmy's Revenge, scene 10, baker 1.
And, action!
I loved-ed my brother.
He was my main man, baby!
Yeah, baby, because I loved-ed him.
And, and he was my only brother.
He, he was like my main man, I loved-ed, I loved-ed my brother.
- Cut.
- Why is he stopping again?
Why are you stopping?
I..I..I.. I can't do this.
- What'd he say?
- He said he can't do this.
What are you talking about, you can't do this?
This is not the kind of acting I wanted to do.
This is... this is bullshit.
Get him out of here, get him off
the set, I'll have someone else do it!
- I'll do it!
- You got it.
You ain't shit.
Oh come on, you're blowin' it for all of us!
- This has gotta change!
- Look, this is work!
Shit, there's work at the post office.
Get him off the set. I want him off the set.
- Some of us need the job, man.
- Get him off set, get him out of here.
There's always got to be one.
Get him out of here, get him off
the set, I'll have someone else do it!
You could be the greatest actor ever born.
Don't ever let anybody take away your dreams.
They've murdered your only loving daughter.
Buffoon! Fool! Fool!
- Yes, sire.
- Come hither.
They have murdered my daughter.
My daugh...
Oh, my daughter's pain!
Superhero, superhero.
We've been looking all over for you.
You know this city's full of crime.
Get back to work. Back to work!
Rambro! It's Rambro! Over here! Rambro!
And now,
the winner is,
Bobby Taylor!
Call me.
What's your number?
This is really a surprise, my fifth Oscar.
I'm gonna tell ya, I didn't think I was gonna win tonight.
And, against the competition, Redford, Newman, Pacino,
Dustin Hoffman, Meryl Streep,
I didn't think I had a chance.
And I just wanted to say tonight, we're all winners!
- I'll get your jacket, Mr. Taylor.
- Thank you.
- Mr. Taylor, there's one line here you forgot to sign.
- Ah, sorry about that. There you are.
There's something about this guy, he's special.
He's got an honest quality, he's got integrity.
- There. Now you look like a star.
- Thank you.
Okay, we're ready to shoot you now, let's roll.
- Here's your jacket, Mr. Taylor.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Cook it up and see what happens.
- Watch your eyes.
Okay, here we go.
Take one.
Action!
In the rain, sleet and snow, I deliver your mail.
I'm a US postman, and you can be one too.
I deliver people's dreams.
And more importantly, I have the respect
and the admiration of the entire community.
And that makes me proud.
So if you can't take pride in your job,
remember, there's always work at the post office.
And the moral to the story is
To be or not to be?
That is the question I ask of thee.
To reach new levels, and set new heights
To take control, and rock your life
I'm tired of playin', hookers and hoes
I want much more sophisticated roles
Medea, Cleopatra, Antigone
Joan of Arc inspired me
Yeah that's right, I kissed plenty booty
To get that part, I thought it was my duty
But now I feel, that in my heart
That I have here, a brand new start
I wrote those words and they're really jive
But what I learned today, is really live
You see I learned about blacks, from TV
So please don't be, angry with me!
You killed-ed my brother.
He was my only brother.
I loved-ed this dude, baby.
And you gonna pay, jive sucka.
You done messed with the wrong dude, baby.
I'm gonna be on your ass like a
pair of Fruit Of The Loom.
I'm gonna bounce you harder than a canceled check.
As soon as you get your foot off my face,
I'm gonna hurt you man.
I'm gonna hurt you!
This be my turf, baby.
I owns the east side.
Listen, listen.
Oh, you tough now? Oh, you tough now?
Becausin', you be got your gang?
Becausin' you be got your gang?
But when my gang finds out...
Ohh... Oh..
Why you gotta pull a knife, man?
Why you gotta pull a knife?
- What's the line?
- "I ain't be gottin' no weapon."
I ain't be gottin' no weapon!
I'm shocked Johnny, I am shocked, man. I'm gonna turn...
What's the line?
"I's gonna turn my back, and close my
eyes, and pretend that didn't happen."
"I'm too cool for that."
I'm gonna turn my back, and, and, and close my eyes,
and pretend that didn't happen. I'm too cool for that!
Why you gotta stab me in my back, Johnny?
I'm bleedin'!
Shit!
You stabbed-ed me in the back, Johnny! But I'm bleedin' cool!
Yay, yay.
You're gonna be late for your audition, son.
Mama, if I get this role, everything is gonna change.
- Baby, you just do your best, hear?
- Yes, ma'am.
Good luck, Bobby.
- I hope you get it.
- Shut up.
- "Good luck, Bobby, I hope you get it".
- Thank you, Stevie.
Thursday nights at 8:00 PM
America's favorite TV show, "There's A Bat In My House"
The show that asks the burning question:
Can a black bat from Detroit
find happiness with a white suburban family?
Starring America's favorite funny man,
the hilarious, zany B.B. Sanders as Batty Boy!
What's all this noise?
Can't a bat hang upside down in his cave and get some sleep?
He's half bat, half soul brother...
Say what?
but together, he adds up to big laughs!
"There's A Bat In My House"
Thursday, 8:00 PM.
- See you later, Grandma.
- Good luck.
Good luck, Jimmy, my main man.
- I'm gonna get this one, Grandma.
- Mm hmm
"Yo, man. You're not my brother."
Hey, good luck, Bobby.
- Thanks, Greg.
- Bobby, what's up, man?
- You won't forget about us will you, man?
- I'm forgetting about you, Tommy.
But not your sister.
What's up, man?
Uncle Ray.
- I'm on my way.
- Okay, do it. Do it!
I'll do my best!
Tiny!
Yeah, man.
Go get Mr. Jones for me.
Hey Donald, what's up?
Work.
Mr. Jones! Marlon Brando's here.
Hey, man, I wonder what kinda lie
the brother's gonna tell this time?
Say, every week it's somethin' else, man!
What about that time he said he had
to take his sister to be circumcised?
That brother can lie, man!
Bobby, I don't want to hear anything about your
grandmother, or some audition today, alright?
No, no. I gotta go to the dentist, man.
Bobby, look, Bobby, look, Bobby, bring
a note from the dentist, this time, alright?
- Okay, I'll bring the note.
- Bobby, I'm telling you, man,
If you're not back by the noon rush,
- Then we're gonna have to sit down
and talk very seriously about your job.
- I'll be back, I'll be back.
- Bobby, I'm serious. I'm not kidding, Bobby.
- I'll be back.
I'm serious, Bobby!
I know you're gonna get it.
He ain't even that cute, look at her.
- Boy, look at you.
- Look at you!
To the best actor of the year,
for good luck.
You know, after you get this
part, we're gonna have to celebrate.
Champagne? Candlelight?
- I'll bring the dessert.
- I gotta get this part.
Damn! Shit!
I'm sorry.
Goodbye, Maurice. Girl!
"Bye, Maurice." He ain't funny!
Yeah! Say, good luck, young blood!
- You trick ass sucker!
- Ooh, you're gonna have big fun up there!
- I'm gonna get you, sucka!
- Why you be gotta pull a knife on me?
I be got no weapon!
Let's go outside so I can cut you!
- So what'd you think, man? You think it was good?
- Oh, I don't know, I think we can do better.
I'm Jimmy's main squeeze, please
don't hurt him, he's all I've got!
And then, then they said I
wasn't black enough for the part!
Man, sometimes I think that white
people don't think that light-skinned blacks
- can play street hoods.
- Same thing happened to me.
I was at a casting call once,
and the receptionist asked me what I was here for.
Then she asked me if I was black!
But now I'm workin'.
I use suntan lotion.
Stop trying to kiss me! Get your hand off my leg!
Get your leg off my hand!
The director said, "You have to
meet me at my house, at 12:00 midnight."
Girl, I ain't stupid.
I was there at 11:59!
Okay, 3:30 is fine, thank you.
- Name, please?
- Bobby Taylor.
I have a 10:30.
Bobby Taylor, you're reading for Jimmy.
- Do you have your sides?
- Yeah.
Great. Just have a seat, we'll get to
you as soon as we can. We're running behind.
- Just have a seat.
- Okay
This is Sidney Stewart, the director,
Mandrill Man Vacuum, the writer,
And of course I'm Millicent Roth.
What we're looking for, Miss Strickland,
is the girlfriend, of the brother, of the main character.
She has to be tough, but sensitive.
She knows life, and yet she's very naive at the same time.
And of course she has to be very, very Spanish,
we're looking for a very "West Side Story" kind of look.
- Ask her if she can read it in Spanish. Puerto Rican.
- Do you do a Spanish accent?
Yes, I do.
- Can you do, maybe, your sides for me, with that accent?
- Sure.
Jimmy! Listen to me.
You better run, honey, before the polices come.
- That's very good!
- Wonderful!
Yes, very exciting.
Richard, it's an important film.
And it's a film that can make
the right actor very, very famous.
We're looking for charisma.
We're looking for sex appeal and yet innocence.
We're looking for that certain "je ne sais quoi".
- Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah, I think so.
With that in mind, Richard,
I want you to start reading from the top of the page.
And I want you give it to us, but really give it to us.
- Tell him to relax.
- And relax.
But I need some tension at the same time.
But not too relaxed, but don't forget to give me sparkle.
- Can I start?
- Oh please, please, any time you're ready.
This is Jimmy, man! Jimmy!
And when my gang finds out, you'll be dead!
Time out, Richie.
Anyway, after getting my degree from
the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art,
I decided to come to Hollywood and do some movies.
Good, why don't you start with the speech?
- That's very interesting.
- Sure, okay.
Let me see.
What it is, bro! I ain't afraid of you!
What is happenin' with your cool vines?
- Thank you, thank you, that was...
- You're the worst actor I've ever seen in my life.
- I have to be frank with you, I'm sorry.
- I could do it in iambic...
You be messin' with the wrong dude, bro.
- Thank you, that was very nice, thank you.
- I got...
- Thank you.
- Very nice.
- Did you like it?
- Very much.
- Leave the sides with reception.
- Thank you.
- No, no, leave it up front.
- Okay, I'll see you on the shoot.
- Long distance. Her mother.
- She's going there. No I won't be going there.
- How can she tell how good of an actress I am if she's not...
No, but I have an analyst appointment at 7:00 at night!
- Could she feel more black?
- And no, and then I have to go to the hair...
- Yeah, could she feel a little bit more black?
- Do you have the final say on whether I get cast or not?
- I'm directing the film.
- I'm directing the film.
- No, I can't Mom, no!
- Okay. Listen...
- Yeah, go on.
I'm sorry. She's distracting me.
- I just can't go through with...
- No no no no...
Maybe at 7:00? 8:00 o'clock? 8:00 o'clock? Alright, 8:00.
- Thank you.
- Now I understand you're looking for a tough...
I understand you're looking for a tough girl.
- I can play a tough girl.
- Thank you!
I said I can play a tough girl!
- Thank you.
- Wonderful!
I ain't be gottin' no weapon!
Why you be gotta pull a knife on me!
I be shocked!
Wonderful!
You know, I'm in a real gang, man. You
know, I don't play no Hollywood bullshit, man.
Like, you know. I'm for reals, man. And
that's why i know I can play the part, man.
Alright, Mr. Rodriguez, that's it!
- Put the knife away and get the hell out of here!
- Vivian, get security.
You see, sucker.
You jive turkey!
This is bullshit.
Wh.. what?
This is bullshit.
What are you talking about?
This is some more of the white man stereotype
of a black man, yeah, brother.
- Really?
- Yeah, brother!
Only an Uncle Tom would do this shit. They're
just lookin' for somebody to sellout to.
Sellout?
The only role they're gonna let us do is a
slave, a butler, or some street hood or somethin'.
Don't sellout brother. Don't be a butler or a slave.
Jesse Wilson. Jesse Wilson, you're next!
That's me. Good luck, brother!
A butler or a slave...
Stop it!
Stop, you hear?
Now, you said you wanted your freedom!
You knows you ain't gonna have no freedom back there.
Wh.. what if we get caught? What if we get caught?
Boy, I'll kill you if you don't stop that crying!
And I kills anybody else that stands in the ways of freedom!
Now we ain't goin' back! That there ain't not our home!
So let's move!
I can't waits to get my freedom!
Mandingo, I's go anywhere with you.
Mandingo, I's love you.
I love you too, Bessie, Willie Mae.
Mandingo, Mandingo, I can't go back
there. I love you, too, Mandingo.
- But Miss Ann, what about your kinfolk?
- I don't care. I'm goin' with you.
Okay.
I don't know why we's leavin' massa's house.
He bein' good to us.
He feed us on Saturday,
clothe us on Sunday,
and then beat us on Monday.
Or was it Tuesday? I dunno.
Jasper, I's don't wants to go, I's a house nigga, Jasper.
What?
Jasper, don't you wants freedom? We goin' to the promised land.
The promised land.
- Promised land? Cleveland?
- No, Jasper.
- Baltimore?
- No, Jasper, the promised land!
Oh, the promised land.
Minnesota?
And, cut.
Hi, my name is Robert Taylor, and I'm a black actor.
I had to learn to play these slave parts,
and now you can too, at Hollywood's first Black Acting School.
Black Acting School
- It teaches you everything. Learn Jive Talk 101.
You motherfuckin' jive turkey motherfucker!
Black Acting School
- Alright, alright, that's good, that's good. Good work.
Alright, you try it.
- You, you fucking mothers. Fucking turkey jive.
- No, no, no, no, man, no, no, that's wrong, that's wrong.
Watch me, man. Just be cool!
Jive turkey motherfucka!!
Black Acting School
- Good work, good work!
That's only the beginning. You, too, can learn to walk black.
No, no, no, no
No rhythm. Observe.
Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!
You too can be a black street hood. But
this class is for dark-skinned blacks only.
Light-skin or yellow blacks don't make good crooks.
Here's a student in our advanced class.
I didn't steal that TV. It just happened to be under my coat.
I don't know nothin' police woman, Kojak, Ironside.
Yeah, I'm a gang leader.
I'm in The War Lords, The Vice Lords, The Onionheads.
Black Acting School
- Let's talk to a graduate. This is Ricky Taylor.
Ricky graduated from our class three years ago.
Ricky, can you tell us what you've
been doing since you've graduated?
Well, Robert, I've played nine crooks,
four gang leaders, two dope dealers.
- I played a rapist twice.
- Whoah!
That was fun.
Currently, I'm filming a prison movie.
I play this tough con that tries to fuck this new inmate.
That sounds wonderful! I'm so happy for you!
Need I say any more?
It's Hollywood's first Black Acting
School. It teaches you everything!
Classes are enrolling now.
Learn to play TV pimps, movie muggers, street punks.
Courses include: Jive Talk 101, Shuffling 200, Epic Slaves 400
Dial 1-(800)-555-COON.
Black Acting School
Don't try to be cool, call Hollywood's first Black Acting School!
Alright!
Today!
Bobby, you don't want your job do you?
- I want my job, Mr. Jones, I really do.
- Bobby, Bobby, you don't act like it, Bobby.
Look, each week, a new emergency.
You've had every disease known to man
- And I haven't seen one damn doctor's note.
- I just lose them sometimes...
Bobby, this ain't the poopbutt league,
man, ain't no poopbutts 'round here!
This is not your average hot dog stand.
You know what this is? This is Winky Dinky Dog!
I know, I know, and I'm glad to be
workin' here at Winky Dinky Dog.
Yeah, it sends chills down my spine
every time I say it, Winky Dinky Dog!
Bobby, say it with me, come on.
Winky Dinky Dog! Winky, Dinky, Dog! Yeah! Woo! Mmm hmm hmm.
Yeah, I like that.
Mr. Jones, it's not that I'm not happy workin' here.
It's just that acting allows me to be creative.
Bobby, you can create here.
I created the Winky Dinky Dog. 100% beef!
Winky Dinky Hamburger.
Winky Dinky Donut. Winky Dinky Dip.
And I got a new one, Bobby. The Winky Dinky Hoecake.
Hoecake?
- Hoecake. Hoe's got to eat too, right?
- Right, you're right.
That's right, hoe's gotta eat. I hate to lose you, Bobby.
It's a big thing coming up, talk
to him man, Winky Dinky Hoecake.
If it was up to me you'd be fired!
My man Tiny ready to kick your ass!
I ain't afraid of Tiny! Tiny ain't kickin' my ass!
I wish he would bring his big fat ass...
Hey Ti.. I'll make it up to you.
Cuz I'm gonna be a star one day, man.
Naw, naw, you're gonna be seein' stars, man.
- Yo, yo, chill, check it out, check it out.
- Look at them bodyguards, man.
- There's a bomb over here.
- Are you serious?!
Naw, naw, naw, it's just the muffler,
man. It's just the muffler, it's alright.
You sure had me...
- Look at them...
- Hey man, who's that in there?
- I dunno.
- Oh that's that.. that's Batty Boy!
Yeah! Yeah! That dude Batty Boy!
From that TV show! About that black bat
that live in the house with the white family!
- Oh yeah, "A Bat In My House".
- Right, right!
It's some funny shit, man! And when he get away he goes like this:
- "Batty, batty, batty."
- Yeah.
- Yo, man, let's go take his order.
- Okay.
Welcome to Winky Dinky Dog, Mr. Batty.
May we take your order, please?
One Winky Dinky Dog, with cheese.
And one without. Extra Special Sauce.
- You got that, Tiny?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- One with cheese, and spit on the other one.
- Alright, I got you.
Man, we watch your show all the time,
every night. "Batty, batty, batty!"
- "Get my stick, there's a bat in the house."
- Hey man, get off, get off!
- Don't touch his hand!
- And don't touch his clothes!
- Yo, later for you, bat head!
Yo, man, your show sucks, man, you ain't no actor, man.
That's all special effects, man.
Peasant.
I can't believe it's you, man!
Mr. Batty, how do you tell a good script?
Does your character die in the script?
No.
Then, it's a good script.
- But what about art?
- It's not about art.
It's about, sequel!
One film, one! Can make an entire career.
Just look at me. "Batty, batty, batty."
I read in a magazine that you still take acting classes.
And that you don't drink or do drugs.
Relax, Mr. Batty, relax.
Don't say drugs around the man. And
don't say coke or freebase, neither.
Unless you got some.
Just remember that.
- I'm gonna work with you someday.
- Sure, kid.
I want to do a movie with you someday, Mr. Batty.
I had an audition today, man, it was good, man!
It sounds like you did pretty good, man.
It looks like my chances are good.
Man, if I get this role, man, it's the lead in this movie, man.
Wow, man, they say in showbiz, it only takes one good movie,
and you could be a star, man.
Bobby T, check it out!
Man, I just hope the critics like
it, man, cuz they can shoot a movie down.
- Aw man, the critics don't know nothin'.
- Right, they don't know nothin'.
It's just like that TV show. You
know, the one with the two critics.
With the fat dude? The fat dude and the glasses?
He act like he knows everything.
Yeah, they need some real brothers critiquing the movies!
- Yeah. Givin' up the real!
- That's right, man. Ya dig?
Real brothers.
What's up, man?
Welcome to Sneakin' Into Movies.
My name is Speed, and this is my homeboy, Tyrone.
And we are like uh, movie critics and shit.
Well not really. Peep this. Each week, me and my boy, you know.
We go to different theaters and stuff,
and sneak in, and check out the movies.
Then, we come back, and tell y'all what's up.
Like, if y'all should pay money and shit.
Today, the first movie we will be reviewing
is a classical movie called Amadeus Meets "Salerius",
- about two motherfuckers really into music.
- And here's the clip.
If I could sear out my eyes,
tear my music from the skies and
hearts and souls of every human being
that has ever heard it...
I would give anything to have him back into my soul...
thine eyes, thine heart,
and whisper no more.
But to be without him,
the skies will see no more than nothing.
- Bullshit!
- I didn't like this movie at all.
My first problem was the fact that I couldn't say the title.
I get tired of titles I can't pronounce, and shit.
If you want people to come and see it,
a motherfucker gotta be able to tell
his woman where he gonna take her.
You gonna lean over to your woman and say:
"I'm taking you to Amaduh, Amaduh, Amaduh..."
You know what I mean? I didn't like it.
Here's the next clip, Chicago Jones, Temple of Doom.
Got any other bright ideas, Chicago?
Let's jump.
You gotta be crazy!
Trust me.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah. I can do anything.
Let's jump.
Okay.
You ready?
1, 2, 3, go!
- You okay?
- Just a run in my stocking.
Let's go.
I'll start, I'll start, I tell you, I enjoyed the first and second
Chicago Jones and Temple of Dooms, you know?
I kinda gave the guy points, it's a little
unbelievable, but it's possible, you know?
- I know he's a bad motherfucker and all, I know that...
- Right, right.
but, him jumping off mountains with his
mother, you know, and not gettin' hurt?
Naw that's bullshit.
I disagree. I disagree, homeboy!
I believed this movie. A dude could jump off a mountain,
and not hurt himself because he did brace himself.
And he knew somethin' about the
levels of gravitivity and polarity.
What? Naw, that's bullshit, man, that's bullshit.
Man, you don't know shit about science
cuz you dropped out of high school!
- Hey, man, why you gotta bring that up, man?
- Cuz it's the truth.
Hey I know it's the truth but that.. hey, man, fuck you!
- Aw, well, whatcha gonna do about it?
- Hey man, I'm gonna bust your ass!
- Aw yeah, yeah, after the clip.
- Okay, yeah, okay.
Well right now, we're gonna review this
next movie, the new movie about Dirty Larry.
Alright, what do you punks want?
We want a helicopter.
- We want a helicopter!
- Alright, I'll get you a helicopter.
Larry, am I glad to see you! They got hostages.
- They want to go to the airport.
- Alright, just keep the SWAT team back.
I'll handle it.
Alright, why don't you punks freeze and drop your guns on the ground?
What'd you say honky sucker pighead jive turkey fool?
I said drop your guns to the ground!
Make us, cop! It's three of us,
and it's only one of you.
Well why don't you meet my
friends, Mr. Smith & Mr. Wesson.
Wow, that's a big gun, man.
You know, it's not just a gun, it's a .44
Magnum, it's the most powerful handgun around.
- No shit?
- No shit.
Yo, man, how much did it cost?
About $300, I'm not sure though, I got it on sale.
- How many bullets does it hold?
- Six.
- Larry?
- What?
- I got a cramp in my neck.
- Let the lady go.
- Why?
- Because.
- Because why?
- Because I say so.
- Who are you, man?
- He's Dirty Larry.
- That's right.
- We don't care.
You take one step, and you're
gonna be talking to your maker.
Go on.
Make my day!
Bullshit, man, I didn't like this movie
at all. Realism is very important to me.
Say like, you take somebody
hostage, you all nervous and shit,
they ain't got time for no conversation.
That's right. He's having a conversation,
they chill out and listen,
three brothers with guns?!
- He's supposed to, he's supposed to take the, the money.
- Right.
- Take the hoe. Take the hoe, you know that.
- Right.
And take the car, and get the fuck outta there.
I can't believe it, cuz he would have been dead
a long time ago, talkin' that shit, "Make my day"
Right, right, cuz as soon as he said "Make my day",
Boom, do fifty bullets in your ass make your day?
You know.
Shit. Bullshit.
Well, that was bullshit. Now, the
next clip, I think you will enjoy.
Yeah, it's called Attack Of The Street Pimps, check it out.
You should've seen them. They got Randy. You gotta run!
- Randy?
- What the hell's wrong with her?
Shit, girl! Watch where the fuck you're goin'!
Oh, god, you scared me. I thought it was them!
What are you talkin' about?
Them!
- Girl I don't see anybody.
- Neither do I.
Listen, you gotta run! You gotta hide!
They were after me and Verda and...
Listen!
Shit, man! That bitch lost her mind!
Her pimp done drove her crazy.
He done hit her upside her head once too many.
- No, I've never seen her act like that before.
- Aw, man, she had another fight with T-Bird.
He probably beat her ass good.
No.
Shit!
Thelma, come on!
Where's my bitches?
Jimmy?
Oh god, Sugar Pie, Huey, Mad Dog, Fly Guy! No! No! No!
- What's your phone number, baby?
- Call me.
Now that was a good movie!
I love this movie, it was genius!
The direction, the acting, the storyline, that shit was bad!
The motherfucker scared the shit out of me, man!
- That shit could really happen.
- I believed this movie.
Like, you get all those pimps together,
walkin' around and shit, with big hats on?
Right, right, that was live.
The director captured the essence of
street life in a whore type situation.
Pimps lookin' for hoes, it was live.
- And that actress? That played the hoe?
- Wasn't she good?
She was excellent, marvelous, effervescent!
Yeah man, and actin' all terrified and shit.
This movie is like a nightmare.
- You know, the one dude man, with the yellow suit on?
- Yeah!
Man, he looked like this dude right
around the corner from my house, man!
That's what's so horrifying about it!
And now, to recap the movies we saw...
We both gave thumbs down to that classical shit
Amadeus Meets "Salerius".
We disagreed on Chicago Jones.
I gave it a thumbs down, but he liked-ed that bullshit.
Dirty Larry, the movie where the crooks wait for
Larry to go in his jacket, pull out a big ass gun,
what'd they think he was lookin'
for? His American Express card? Damn!
We both gave Dirty Larry the finger.
The last movie we really enjoyed.
It was full of stereotypes, but, it was well directed,
and we thought the combining of the zombie pimps
and the street hoes was brilliant.
We gave it the serious high five.
And that recaps all the movies we saw.
Well, join us next week, when we will
be reviewing like five new movies.
- That's if we can sneak in the movie theaters and check 'em out.
- Yeah.
- So see you y'all next week.
- See you next week.
- Let me see your tickets!
- Uh, I think I lost mine, man.
Oh, shit! I think I left mine in the bathroom,
you know, cuz I was takin' a piss,
- and you can't hold it in your hand when you're pissin'.
- Alright, let's go, come on.
We'll see you next week!
- Where's my bat?
- I'll show you!
- Say what?
- Mr. Wilson!
Wings, don't fail me now! Batty, batty, batty!
Wings, don't fail me now!
Hello?
Who's calling?
Yes, sir, he's here. It's for you.
- Who is it?
- Your agent.
- What does he want?
- I don't know.
Hello, Marty? What did they say?
They liked me a lot. Uh huh, uh huh.
But what?
They want an Eddie Murphy type?
What's an Eddie Murphy type?
Oh they want somebody to act like Eddie Murphy?
Why can't I just act?
So I didn't get it.
I got a callback?
I got a callback? Well why didn't
you say that in the beginning?
Okay, okay, okay. Well just call me back with the details.
Okay, Marty, bye. Have a good day.
- I got a callback.
- You got a callback.
I got a callback.
What we're looking for, is an Eddie Murphy type.
We want somebody who can act
like Eddie Murphy from head to toe.
That's what we want.
Someone who can dress like Eddie
Murphy, to look like Eddie Murphy,
to BE Eddie Murphy, to give him,
the actor himself, a Murphy-ectomy,
to have a Murphy like quality,
Murphy-esque, to be Murph-onic.
O'tay!
Shut up!
Hello, kids, it's your old friend, Mr. Robinson.
Me!
There he is! He is the one we want!
I just want to be me. I don't want to be Eddie Murphy.
I just want to be me. I just want...
Yes!
- Get the fuck outta here.
- That's what we're looking for.
- Man, I am tired of this bullshit!
- Give it to him, man, give it to him.
Now look, you come in here every day with another excuse
- so you can go out and do that acting thing,
I'm tired, I don't wanna hear it no more!
- Same bullshit.
Now you sell that shit to Mr. Jones.
- Don't bring it here, baby, cuz we're
trying to run a business, okay?!
- Look at him ignorin' you.
Now, look, I don't wanna bust your bubble,
but you ain't never gonna make it at that acting thing.
I have seen you on TV, and I'm telling you now...
Let me rap to him. Hey man, I saw
the film you did on TV the other night.
It sucked, Bobby.
Give it up. You'll never be a Stepin Fetchit.
You don't even know nobody famous.
Who do you know? Your uncle, he tried.
Look at him now, sweeping up hair in a barber shop.
You got an opportunity here, man.
That's right, after five years, they let me lock up the place.
You think any studio gonna let you lock up the place?
This man got responsibilities. You could have responsibilities.
Look man, look at me.
When I first came here, I was nobody like you.
Three months later, assistant crew
chief. Six months after that, crew chief.
I went from $2.00 to $2.25 in six months.
Now we talkin' about makin' it!
- Give the acting up, Bobby. Please, Bobby!
- Give the acting thing up, man.
I'm not gonna be working here all of
my life. I'm gonna make it as an actor.
Winky Dinky Dog.
Donald, you stupid little pea brain.
And Tiny, all you care about is food.
I'm gonna come back to this place
one day, as somebody, you'll see.
You'll see. You'll see. You'll see.
- Come on, Donald, man, give me half a hot dog, man.
- No!
- Hey man, ain't my half ownin' the place?
- Yes.
- Well give me my half a hot dog!
- I said no, you already ate half my hat!
Look, we only got two hot dogs left, man!
What do you wanna eat 1/4 of the inventory?
- Bobby!
- Donald, Tiny, it's been a long time!
Yeah, what, ten years? Man, we've been watchin' you on TV
and the movies. I always knew you was gonna make it, man!
- Didn't I always say he was gonna make it?
- Yeah, yeah, sure did.
How is Mr. Jones doing?
Aw, hey, he lost his shirt on that hoecake thing.
He over in that corner, talking
to hisself, he went plum crazy.
Hold on a minute, damn it, let me put out my napkins!
How you gonna eat without no napkins
around? You got to have some napkins!
Hold on now, what kinda hoecakes you want?
You want the wine? You want the wine hoecake?
He lost his mind, man.
Yeah, Skeezy, how many you want?
Michael wants some too? Yeah I know.
- Hoecakes. Everyone loves hoecakes.
- We need you, Bobby, we need you man!
Could you do a commercial for us, Bobby?
I know you can't tell, but the
business really ain't doin' that good.
- Could you, please?
- Please, Bobby!
- Could you please, do a commercial for us.
- Please! Please!
So please, please, please, get
your shit together, or you're fired!
You can have Winky Dinky Dog.
I quit, crew chief, fat boy!
- You'll be back, man.
- Yeah, keep your hat, you're gonna need it!
- He'll be back!
- Damn right!
And when you come back it'll be for less pay!
Hey, Bobby, come on in.
Just getting ready to close up the place, how's it goin'?
It's goin'.
So yeah, Bobby, what's been happenin'?
How's grandma and the family?
I quit my job.
I was workin' there for three years.
And you should've quit three years ago.
That job was just a waste of your time.
You've gotta do it while you're young, Bobby,
before you fall in love and get a family.
Cuz if you don't, time's got a way of creepin' up on you,
and kicking you in your ass.
What if I'm not that good?
What if I don't make it?
What if you DO make it?
And what if you ARE that good?
Bobby, you'll never know until you try.
You've gotta give it your all, Bobby.
You've got to give it everything you've got.
I know,
cuz it happened to me.
I stopped believin' in me,
I started listening to all those other
people tell me what I couldn't do.
I kept listenin'
and listenin'.
Until one day, I started believin' it,
and I quit.
I lost my chops.
Man, when I was singin',
I was the happiest man alive.
On stage, doin' it!
Bobby, there ain't nothin' to it but to do it!
You could be the greatest actor ever born.
Doin' Shakespeare on the stage, playin' the hero in some movie.
Maybe the first black Superman.
One day, win that Oscar.
You gotta believe in yourself, Bobby.
Don't play yourself cheap.
Don't ever let anybody take away your dream.
Come on, let's go.
- I said, my main man.
- No, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, you gotta say, my MAIN man.
My MAIN man.
Excellent, that was real jive, Robert!
I mean, I was like, the street, like "what be happenin'?"
- Alright, alright.
- You were wonderful, Robert.
- Totally awesome.
- Shit, shit!
Thank you, Mandrill. Thank you, Stewart.
Robert, very, very nice work.
Very nice work, Robert, we're very pleased.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
- Bye!
- Bye.
- Fabulous. Oh my god!
- Dynamite. Dynamite!
- Did you see that walk? Think we can use that kind of walk?
- Do you want me to call his agent?
- Oh, absolutely.
- That is our Jimmy. That is our Jimmy.
- Yes. My words. My words, he was a match.
- Your words are fabulous. Your words are fabulous.
Jive, tough, charismatic. That's our Jimmy, very black.
- Bobby, are you trying to get me drunk?
- No!
Where's everybody else in the house?
I don't know. They went out.
Where'd they go?
They just went out, and left me here all by myself.
And then you came...
Hi, Lydia.
Grandma, aren't you home kinda early?
Well, I didn't want to play Bingo
tonight and listen to a lot of gossip.
Where's Stevie?
He's spendin' the night over Michael's house.
- How come you home?
- We were celebratin'.
Didn't mama tell you? I got the part in the movie!
Oh yeah, she told me. Congratulations.
Why didn't you go out?
My unemployment check didn't come today,
and so we decided to just stay in and watch TV.
There this good detective movie that's on tonight.
Oh well, I just love detective movies!
Welcome to the Wednesday night movie.
Tonight, Sam Ace is back fighting crime.
This movie will be shown with no commercial interruptions.
This is Sam Ace.
Yeah. I've seen it three times.
This is the city. My city.
This is where I work.
It's a tough beat, but somebody's gotta do it.
I'm a private investigator. My name is Sam Ace.
I fight crime.
It was Friday night.
I sat in my office waitin' on the phone to ring.
Could it be one of my dames?
Nah, it was some fag.
It's a long story, I was drunk at a Christmas party.
Suddenly, there was a knock at my door,
then she walked in.
I could tell by her shoes, this dame had class.
I could tell by her purse, she didn't have much money.
And I could tell by her face, she was desperate.
My name is Debra Jenkins. I need your help.
Have a seat.
My brother was murdered.
Police found his body in an alley two days ago.
All he wanted to do was dance.
His name was Carl Jenkins, but
everybody called him Cookiehead.
He was the best breakdancer in the country, Mr. Ace.
Nobody could copy his moves.
He had a unique style. He was poetry in motion.
He was the best!
My fee is $50 a day,
plus expenses.
Mr. Ace, money is no problem.
If you find my brother's killer, I'll give you anything.
When she said "anything", she meant it.
She was talkin' about doin' the
nasty, and I like, doin' the nasty.
So began the case.
I started with the people closest to Cookie first. His mother.
She said he was a good boy.
She just hoped he had on clean underwear when they found him.
I didn't know how to tell her, he didn't.
I talked to Cookie's father. He
didn't believe Cookie was his real son.
I didn't know how to tell him, he
wasn't. Cookie favored the milkman.
I was getting nowhere. I needed answers.
It was time to play rough.
Alright.
So I didn't see nothin'.
But I can tell you this though, Mr. Ace,
if someone was gonna kill Cookiehead it'd have been Jheri Curl.
Who's Jheri Curl?
He hated Cookiehead like he was an afro.
Where can I find him?
He live up on 39th street.
Just follow the empty activator bottles to his crib.
Okay, okay.
If he's not there Ace, he hang out at this dance studio.
There was a dance class going on.
A funny thought came to me. Could a guy in a skirt kick my ass?
I doubt it.
Hey, not bad!
The class was over with. I had to move fast.
Excuse me,
do you know where I can find Jheri Curl?
Jheri Curl? What do you want with Jheri Curl?
I just need to ask him some questions.
- Questions about what?
- Cookiehead Jenkins.
Cookiehead Jenkins?!
Yeah.
- You was a friend of his?
- Yeah, you could say I was a friend.
Okay.
Now who else wants some?
I want some.
I want some, too.
You want some more? You want some more?
Get out of here! You want some more?
Who sent you here?
- Your mama.
- Yeah, smart ass.
Yeah, smart aleck! Get him outta here!
You lookin' for me, punk?
- You must be Jheri Curl.
- Yeah, how'd you guess?
I need to ask you some questions about Cookiehead Jenkins.
I don't know nobody named Cookiehead Jenkins.
And don't be comin' around here askin' for me no more!
Jheri Curl had won the first round, but it wasn't over.
I was gonna make him pay. Not for kicking me in the stomach,
but for dripping activator all over
my suit. My cleaning bills were a bitch.
I headed back to the office. The
door had been opened. How? Who? Why?
- Just the lady I wanted to see!
- Sam, what happened?!
You come in my office with this song and dance about
how your brother was almost an angel.
I get out on the streets, I got 200
suspects that wanted to kill your brother.
Now what kinda game are you playin'?
What can I do to show you that I'm being straight with you?
I knew exactly what she could do, and she did too.
As she walked towards me, I saw that twinkle in her eyes.
I knew it was time, to do the nasty.
And I like, doin' the nasty.
She was a good kisser, but her breath was stinkin'.
But so what?
You don't get rid of a Rolls-Royce because it has a dent in it.
I had never done it before on my desk.
I was just glad to be on top.
I'd hate to do the nasty with a stapler up my ass.
I headed back to the dance studio. I knew Jheri Curl was lyin'.
I had to make him talk.
Yo man, I got this move, man.
Pass that move over to Jheri.
1, 2, 3, Curl!
Don't stop, don't stop, do the Jheri Curl.
Hey keep movin', don't stop,
Rock it, Jheri Curl!
Jheri Curl!
What you here for, another ass whoopin' man?
No, just some answers.
Nick, Eddie, get this punk outta here.
Back up.
Hey that's my activator, man.
Back up!
Back up, back up, back up, back up.
Okay, now just put my activator down, man.
Where were you the day Cookiehead got killed?
I was at the hair salon, man, I was
gettin' my curl done, I was there all day.
- Where?
- Okay, I wasn't there all day, man.
Afterwards, I went out on Crenshaw, and
I bought me some hair care products, man.
I got some activator, some glycerin, and some curl activator, man.
Alright, and then I went down to the beach!
You went down to the beach and you
killed Cookiehead Jenkins, didn't you?!
No!
Yeah, I tried. I tried, man.
I put the activator down on the board,
I wanted the dude to slip and fall,
but he turned it into a breakdance move,
man, I swear! I didn't kill him, man!
- And that's the truth?
- Yes! That's the truth, man, I swear!
Please, please, give me my activator, man!
Please give me my activator, please, please.
Please! Please! Activator...
Please, I swear. Give me my activator...
Two days later, Jheri Curl confessed
to the murder of Cookiehead Jenkins.
I had solved the death of a breakdancer.
Oh, by the way,
Debra got the money from the insurance company. $100,000.
And I'm in love.
With the money.
I wonder how long it takes to spend a hundred grand?
See ya next week.
I'm Sam Ace.
Now that's the kind of role I want to play.
You will.
I feel nervous about tomorrow.
It's your first day.
Naw that's not it.
I just feel funny doing this kind of character.
I just wish it were something different.
You'll be fine.
- You think so?
- Mm hmm.
Is my grandmother still asleep?
Yeah.
Good.
Rags to riches
We're talking to fans outside the Bobby Taylor concert.
10,000 seater. What do you think of Bobby Taylor?
Basically, you know, I'll pay to
see any of Bobby Taylor's movies.
Hard work, hard work, and dedication to what you feel
Thank god, thank god, American dreams can become so real
I'm Bobby Taylor. Thank you, no pictures now, please.
Overnight sensation
"My big brother is very important to me, because I love him.
He is an actor. He's been on TV and everything.
He can act happy or sad, or real cool. He is the greatest."
I just wish the boy would get his life together.
Mama, don't you start.
- You know they're hirin' down at that post office.
- Yeah.
They pay good pay down there.
- Mm hmm.
- Mm hmm.
Mama, look, Bobby has a dream of becoming an actor.
Just be happy for the boy!
- Oh hi, sweetheart.
- Good morning, Mom, good morning, Grandma.
- Good morning, Bobby.
Ma, could you hurry up? I don't wanna
be late for my first day of shooting.
Bobby, I'm doing it as fast as I can, now.
Ma, the director said it's okay if you
wanna come down to the filming today.
I know, sugar, but Mama may not be able to get down there.
- Alright.
- I'll be there.
Okay, grandma.
Now don't get me wrong, I am happy for Bobby.
But I don't want no grandson of mine out
there tryin' to act like a street hustler!
Black folks got enough negative images,
without my grandson out there addin'
to that mindless bullshit out there.
- Mama!
- Yes, I said it, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!
- Mama if you don't be quiet that boy gonna hear you!
- I don't care!
Every time you look at the TV,
always somebody actin' like a pimp
or some jive ass nigga. Kids don't need to see that stuff.
Acting like they think it's cool to be in a gang.
Like just the other day I saw Stevie walk
around the house, tryin' to act cool, hah!
Mama, everything you're sayin' is right, but it's work!
There's work at the post office, too!
Hmm.
What's happenin', big brother?
I wanna be just like you! I got three
chicks waitin' in our car for us, man!
Come on! Come on!
Let's go! Come on!
What did you say?
I said good morning.
Yeah, morning, Stevie.
Okay, pick me up at 4:00 honey, bye bye.
- I love you, Madeline.
- I love you, John.
I adore you. You're everything to me.
My heart beats for only you.
And I, for you.
- Your lips.
- John, no.
Can I help you?
- No! No! No!
- Joe, bubbie, baby, sweetheart, I'm your agent. Listen to me!
- This is a great deal!
- I said no! No!
- It's your contract, Joe, I'm tellin' you, you've got to do it.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I'm not just gonna kill 38 people in this picture!
This script needs to be rewritten.
This picture is gonna be a box office smash,
I need to kill more people. I'm the hero!
It's a 38 kill deal Joe, that's the deal, that's your contract.
- Yeah, and why can't you make it 39?
- Joe, originally, it was 15 kill.
I gotta get a new wig.
- Sidney, talk to this man. Would you talk to him?
- I can't talk to him, Sam, he's a moron!
You're never gonna work in this town again!
Yo, young blood.
Stage #7. Dressing room's on the left.
Thanks.
Wardrobe, Mr. Taylor. You have a good one.
Hey!
- My man from the audition, right?
- Yeah.
- Hey, what part you playin'?
- Jimmy.
Oh, so YOU got Jimmy. Congratulations, man.
Come on, give it up.
Hey, I only got one line, you know. Hey, but that's cool.
I understand the NAACP is gonna picket this movie,
cuz somebody read the script!
Mm hmm
But I'm glad you got the part,
because I would never play that part, because of my values.
But hey, I'm different, congratulations, man!
Thanks.
The NAACP could picket ME...
No more Bobby Taylor! No more Bobby Taylor!
I'm standing outside the home of Bobby Taylor,
a young black actor, who took a lead role
in a stereotypical movie about street life.
The NAACP has picketed this movie, but this is
the first time that an actor has ever been picketed.
Here to explain is the president
of the Hollywood branch of the NAACP,
Mr. Jamal Harris.
I hope that you're all paid up members
of the NAACP Hollywood branch, thank you.
We felt we had to put our foot down,
by making Bobby Taylor an example.
We feel that black actors should not
have to accept these stereotype roles,
such as crying slaves, tar babies,
- jungle bunnies.
- Tar.. babies? Jungle bunnies?
And I say that as long as black actors play these roles,
they'll never play the Rambos, until they stop playing the Sambos.
- Thank you, Mr. Harris.
- Thank you, Mr. Harris.
- Thank you, Mr. Harris.
There's Bobby Taylor's little brother Stevie.
Wait a minute, I'm not finished. Isn't
this gonna be in Spanish? Hold on!
How do you feel about what your brother has done?
He's not my brother. He's just a guy that
lives in the same house. He's a renter.
But you were seen down on the movie set, isn't that true?
No comment. If you print that, I'll sue!
I don't have a grandson anymore.
I really don't. And what am I gonna do about it?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do about it,
I am going to write me a book about him.
- A book? What's the name of it.
- Mm hmm. Bobby Dearest.
You used to work with Bobby Taylor, could
you tell me, was he always an Uncle Tom?
Yeah. Yes! Always Uncle Tom.
Mama, daddy was a Tom. Uncle was a Tom.
I think that Bobby Taylor is a two-bit goat smellin' spook
obviously from the coon repertory theater of America.
Eat Tom turkeys on Thanksgiving.
I'm so sick and tired of people like Bobby
Taylor comin' around and influencing the kids.
Got my kid grabbin' his wally, shinin' shoes
You ain't gonna be no star, Bobby, until you get that brown
stuff off the tip of your nose, I know you brown nosin' over there.
We are out here sweatin' like niggas
going to the election in Georgia
because he chooses to bug his eyes, yank on his dick,
and pull those raggedy skidmarked
drawers out of the crack of his black ass.
I have nothing else to say about Bobby Taylor!
Bobby Taylor is a coon! Be a star very soon!
How do you feel about being with Bobby in his film career?
I believe him, and I will stand by him.
How do you really feel?
I WILL stand by him!
Come on, sister!
As a black woman, you mean you're happy
with your boyfriend with that watermelon smile?
I'm proud of my race. And no, I don't like it.
I really thought he was gonna make the
right choice, but obviously he didn't.
I didn't know that he was gonna
act like some sort of pickaninny.
My girlfriends are laughing behind my back.
They ask me: "Does he make THOSE kind of faces in bed?"
Do you make THOSE faces in bed?
Sometimes.
I have thought about it, and thought about it.
And I have come to one conclusion.
We kill him.
Kill Bobby Taylor, kill Bobby Taylor.
Kill Bobby, kill Bobby, kill him, kill him!
Cut. Cut.
Sidney, they are tearing the heart out of my chest!
- What are they doing to my words? These are my words. Street, street!
- Okay, we'll take care of it.
- He's right, it's awful.
- You hear the man, right? You hear the man?
- You're killing his dialogue, you're killing his words.
- This is my baby!
This is supposed to be street, you
know? Now let's get another scene in.
Let's go again.
Actors, actors, come on, first positions, first positions.
Jivetime Jimmy's Revenge, scene 10, apple 1.
Action!
Come on, turkey.
Go get Jimmy! Go get him!
Johnny?
Uh uh.
Tommy?
You maricncock-a-roach!
- Johnny, you killed him.
- Yeah, you right!
Johnny, you killed Tom.
Yeah, you know I'm a bad dude, Jack.
- Yeeeah!
- Yeah!
You better run before the polices come!
Johnny, it's Jimmy!
Jimmy!
Tommy!
Talk to me, Tommy.
I'm mad!
I want revenge!
My patience is spent!
Good god!
Tommy, hit me.
Two times.
On the good foot.
Tommy.
Camel walk, Tommy.
- Afros.
- Yeah!
- Afros!
- Yeah!
I want revenge!
I want revenge.
- Afros!
- Yeah.
Back up.
You Beaners! You back up!
You back up!
You back up!
- You back up!
- Somebody! Back up.
You killed-ed my brother.
My main man. I loved-ed this dude, baby!
He was, he was, uh...
- Cut. Cut.
- Why is he stopping?
Bobby, that was terrific, that was
terrific, why'd you stop? What happened?
Oh, there's no problem. I just forgot my line.
Okay, that's fine, no problem. You want to look at the script?
- No, I'm okay.
- Great. Okay. Let's go again.
Excuse me, Sidney, before you do, I have another very good idea.
Could you tell him to be a little more, you know...
Yeah, Bobby, uh, Bobby?
I need uh, a little more black.
You know what I'm saying? Like, stick your ass out,
bug the eyes. You know how they move, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, jive ass, jive ass, yeah jive ass.
- That slated? Let's go again.
- Okay. Sorry, Sidney.
- Jivetime Jimmy's Revenge, scene 10, baker 1.
And, action!
I loved-ed my brother.
He was my main man, baby!
Yeah, baby, because I loved-ed him.
And, and he was my only brother.
He, he was like my main man, I loved-ed, I loved-ed my brother.
- Cut.
- Why is he stopping again?
Why are you stopping?
I..I..I.. I can't do this.
- What'd he say?
- He said he can't do this.
What are you talking about, you can't do this?
This is not the kind of acting I wanted to do.
This is... this is bullshit.
Get him out of here, get him off
the set, I'll have someone else do it!
- I'll do it!
- You got it.
You ain't shit.
Oh come on, you're blowin' it for all of us!
- This has gotta change!
- Look, this is work!
Shit, there's work at the post office.
Get him off the set. I want him off the set.
- Some of us need the job, man.
- Get him off set, get him out of here.
There's always got to be one.
Get him out of here, get him off
the set, I'll have someone else do it!
You could be the greatest actor ever born.
Don't ever let anybody take away your dreams.
They've murdered your only loving daughter.
Buffoon! Fool! Fool!
- Yes, sire.
- Come hither.
They have murdered my daughter.
My daugh...
Oh, my daughter's pain!
Superhero, superhero.
We've been looking all over for you.
You know this city's full of crime.
Get back to work. Back to work!
Rambro! It's Rambro! Over here! Rambro!
And now,
the winner is,
Bobby Taylor!
Call me.
What's your number?
This is really a surprise, my fifth Oscar.
I'm gonna tell ya, I didn't think I was gonna win tonight.
And, against the competition, Redford, Newman, Pacino,
Dustin Hoffman, Meryl Streep,
I didn't think I had a chance.
And I just wanted to say tonight, we're all winners!
- I'll get your jacket, Mr. Taylor.
- Thank you.
- Mr. Taylor, there's one line here you forgot to sign.
- Ah, sorry about that. There you are.
There's something about this guy, he's special.
He's got an honest quality, he's got integrity.
- There. Now you look like a star.
- Thank you.
Okay, we're ready to shoot you now, let's roll.
- Here's your jacket, Mr. Taylor.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Cook it up and see what happens.
- Watch your eyes.
Okay, here we go.
Take one.
Action!
In the rain, sleet and snow, I deliver your mail.
I'm a US postman, and you can be one too.
I deliver people's dreams.
And more importantly, I have the respect
and the admiration of the entire community.
And that makes me proud.
So if you can't take pride in your job,
remember, there's always work at the post office.
And the moral to the story is
To be or not to be?
That is the question I ask of thee.
To reach new levels, and set new heights
To take control, and rock your life
I'm tired of playin', hookers and hoes
I want much more sophisticated roles
Medea, Cleopatra, Antigone
Joan of Arc inspired me
Yeah that's right, I kissed plenty booty
To get that part, I thought it was my duty
But now I feel, that in my heart
That I have here, a brand new start
I wrote those words and they're really jive
But what I learned today, is really live
You see I learned about blacks, from TV
So please don't be, angry with me!