Holy Goalie (2017) Movie Script
1
Boys, come here!
Everyone behind me. Now!
From now on, you're all recruited
into the Revolutionary Liberation Army!
To the trucks, hurry!
No! Stop!
Stop!
Please.
Bribing Congolese public workers in '96.
Purchase of stolen light aircraft
from the Chad militia in 2001.
Falsification of papers
at the Sudan border in 2007.
-Shall I go on?
-That was in 2008.
Colonel, we made a deal.
You leave the boys alone.
The deal also involved you paying.
And you haven't paid!
How much was it?
Fifty thousand.
Your Eminence, you know
the money was well spent.
No, I don't know.
And I don't want to know.
You say it was
and that's enough for me.
I've known you
since I was your Bible Theology teacher.
How could I not trust you?
No more Indiana Jones of the clergy,
and no more Africa.
The boys depend on me.
I can't leave them alone
with the guerrillas.
They'll kill them.
Welcome to the Vatican Bank.
What are you doing?
The company's paying. Representation fee.
One gets out of extreme situations
as one can, but...
No, no.
No, no. One moment, I've got it.
...hacking the Vatican's reserve funds...
is a whole new level,
Champions League level.
Two seconds.
That's it!
No, not Champions League level.
That's another thing,
your obsession with evangelizing
through your damned soccer...
No, this is more
of a Champions League of criminality,
embezzlement and organized crime.
Thank you for using the Vatican Bank.
I barely managed to stop the Holy Father
from excommunicating you.
But in exchange I promised
that you'd go back to the apostolate
and to catechesis.
Tomorrow you're going
to your new destination.
South America? India?
San what?
Eh?
HOLY GOALIE
Get those Communion wafers over here.
We'll never finish!
Ramn, my boy, it's you. Shoot!
Sorry, Father.
You burnt me, darn you.
And pick up the Body of Christ right now.
Don't crowd together in the middle,
this isn't a competition.
Everyone will receive Communion,
so line up straight.
Purificacin, don't push the others!
Come on.
The Body of Christ.
The Body of...
Angustias, always the same.
Go get that checked out.
The Body of Christ.
Thus wrote our holy founder,
Saint Theodosius the Cenobiarch,
fifteen centuries ago.
The new guy's here!
-Young men...
-He's here!
I'm in the middle of my lesson
about St. Theodosius!
-You trod on my foot, darn it!
-Sorry.
Look, if it were up to me,
you'd be excommunicated.
Unlike you, I follow orders.
Especially if they're from the bishop.
That's what the hierarchy's for,
to... be... obeyed.
Yes, we know you act like a star,
but we work hard here too.
And without all the antics.
I read in your rsum
that you have postgrad studies.
Good. That'll be useful,
because Father Huerto
is too old to milk Leonor,
our dairy cow.
So you know what your lot is...
African cows are a lot wilder.
This is a piece of cake.
How did you do it?
Leonor only lets Father Huerto milk her.
The trick is to not let them smell fear.
I don't know about scared,
but we're certainly not shitless now.
Hey, Grandpa.
What?
Did you get it?
Get what?
Come on, don't play dumb.
But just a dab, eh? Don't get hooked.
Hair gel multiplies
the sin of vanity by 100%.
Juanito, St. Theodosius' manual
bans perfumes, ointments and resins,
but it doesn't mention hair gel.
Cut it out with St. Theodosius.
What's wrong with a little hair gel?
Does looking one's best
make us bad priests?
Morning, guys.
Good morning.
-Mother of God!
-No, that's Jesus Christ.
And shaded in.
Bless us, Lord,
and the food we're handling.
In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Spirit.
-Amen!
-Amen!
Morning, Fathers.
Brother, a question.
I'm a little lost.
My cell, where is it?
For 20 years, Father Antoanzas
has kept a strict vow of silence.
At the end, on the right, 22 steps.
Thank you, brothers.
Oh, God.
Well, the manual of St. Theodosius.
In Africa, where I've come from,
as some of you know,
this manual would come in handy...
to prop up the table where my boys eat.
Gentlemen, my first theology lesson
is that there are two kinds of priests.
The priests who follow
the Holy Mother Church,
Roman Catholic and Apostolic,
and those that are as God intended.
Decide which kind you want to be.
Those who study the letters
of St. Theodosius,
which is fine,
or those that go out into the world
to prop up tables.
But, if you choose the first kind,
I'm really sorry,
but I can't teach you anything.
Sorry, I forgot. Come closer.
There's a third kind of priest.
-Yes?
-Yes.
Come closer.
It's a very rare species.
-Yes?
-Yes.
Closer.
And it's in danger of extinction.
-Yes?
-Yes.
I'm talking about... Father Munilla!
He turns up naked and covered in tattoos!
He shoves his backside
in our faces, Monsignor.
Eat up. Have a couple of prawns.
I never miss Wednesday lunches here.
He'd be better off in this seminary.
Monsignor, he'd be more controlled.
Don't worry, he will be.
Really?
Yes. As well as all of you
at St. Theodosius.
I've decided to merge the two seminaries.
We just received a magnificent offer
to turn this place
into a luxury Parador hotel.
A luxury hotel?
St. Theodosius is our home.
Too many debts.
The budget you allocated me
doesn't stretch any further.
So, what will become of us?
We'll make room for you
here with Cienfuegos
and you can bring your novices.
Monsignor.
Hey, Cienfuegos!
Is everything to your liking?
By the way,
the hotel is a great opportunity.
Faith doesn't pay the bills,
right, Munilla?
Relax, Jacinto. Under my care,
you'll be very comfortable.
And you?
You don't want any prawns?
Novices!
Labor laboris!
That means work!
Look at them.
The pride of my bishopric.
They're bound to win
the Champions Clerum.
The "Champinion Plerum"?
Munilla!
It's like a Champions League
for the clergy.
The final will be contested in Rome.
The Vatican team remains unbeaten.
Their stadium's a kind of Colosseum
refitted as a pitch.
"The Pit" they call it.
The winner will become
the emblem of the New Christianity.
I won't lie to you, Munilla,
winning the Champions
would be a major feather in my cap.
-For His Holiness, I mean.
-I understand, Monsignor.
Hey, Rouco!
How are you? How's retirement?
Yes, I know, a great penthouse.
Like that, you see?
Shit, it's not that hard.
Jacinto, pass it! You're a star!
You're still an ace!
Golly! Seafood!
What a treat!
My dear brothers,
we're being transferred
to the Diocesan seminary.
They're turning this place
into a luxury hotel.
I wish I could tell you something else,
but, for a while now,
St. Theodosius has been in the red,
and there's no solution.
Maybe there is.
What are you doing, Father?
Sit down and don't interrupt.
What am I doing? What you should be doing.
Finding solutions to keep your monastery.
How dare you!
Start a soccer team, Munilla.
Crush Cienfuegos' team.
Crush the darn Vatican Pit
and win the Champions Clerum.
No one will dare to close down
the emblem of the New Christianity.
Don't you see?
Have some balls!
Balls?
Yes!
No.
Order.
Come with me for a moment.
You're just a newcomer
and you dare to undermine me
in front of everyone
with this stupid soccer idea!
It's a crazy idea, yes.
Yes!
But it's better than just repeating
the Litany of the Virgin,
which is all you can do.
Munilla...
Don't you realize?
You have the chance to teach
these guys the lesson of their life.
Let them fight for their monastery,
damn it, their home!
Or do nothing.
Maybe you really want to share a bunk
with that idiot, Cienfuegos.
What the heck's wrong with you?
Father Munilla.
What?
We're really keen to try it.
Yes, yes.
We'd like to as well.
If this isn't a mutin--
a rebelli--
an act of--
May God come down...
and see it.
I don't know much about soccer,
but I have given myself up
to the Virgin of Guadalupe,
and I can kick like a pro, teach.
I'm Brazilian, soccer's in my blood.
For a cerebral player like me,
midfield's my natural position,
distributing the play.
Right.
Tiki-taka style.
Dribbling the ball.
And I can do bicycle kicks over and over.
I don't need to train.
With that beautiful body God gave you,
I see you more as a kick-ass goalie, man.
Cool.
'Cause you're a star, right?
Yo, you got it.
I'm good in the corners too.
You know what, Ramn?
What I see is that...
is that you...
you've got soccer know-how.
You bet.
My father, may he rest in peace,
was a big Legans fan.
Something must have rubbed off.
Ramn, you're made for the sidelines.
It's settled.
You're it. Assistant coach.
What?
Assistant coach? I like it!
Quick, Simn. Now we've got five balls.
-Got it?
-Hurry, let's go!
This isn't right, Ramn.
Or wrong. It's a private school.
They've got tons of balls.
Bastards!
Out of the way!
AMBULANCE
That was Sara, wasn't it?
Simn, I've got whitewash all over me!
Stop, Simn!
Simn!
Straighten up,
we're making the field round.
Pay attention, Juan Bautista.
Watch and learn.
Go for it, Simn.
Get me up and I'll show you
how to do a bicycle kick.
Good!
-Good, Simn!
-Well done, Simn!
-No. No good.
-Next time!
Father, that's no good.
Lift your habit!
Stretch those abductor muscles!
Green. I told you. They're very green.
They'll ripen today.
Ripen?
They're going to get creamed.
That's right, they'll ripen.
HOME - VISITORS
-Go, go!
-Gentlemen, go!
No! Not like that!
No!
Come on, boys!
Man-to-man marking!
Come on, pay attention! Up!
Watch these people, my God!
They're good up high.
Go on, don't miss it!
It's fine. Keep doing the same.
Well, maybe a bit better.
Bautista!
I'm not asking you to save them all,
but cut out the own goals.
Another goal, father, another goal.
Go, go down. Good! That's it, Simn.
Come on! Ref!
You cockroach!
That's no way to referee!
Ref, that's a foul!
Foul!
Go! Good, Simn! Keep up the pressure!
Look out! Stop, stop!
This is serious.
Medic!
Alright... Make way!
Are you alright? On your back.
Slowly.
Sounds broken.
It's his scrotum.
I think one of his balls is jammed up.
Thank you, doctor.
The left one.
Shall I help you get your pants down?
No, no, no.
I wish I'd been hit.
Up to you, but any necrosis
isn't my responsibility.
And necrosis is...
a pain in the ass.
Move it, Ramn!
What have you lost here?
-What have you lost?
-Nothing, nothing.
Nothing? Off you go.
Is it swollen?
I don't know what to tell you.
The last time I saw your private parts,
we were 10 years old.
Is it serious?
For all a novice like you will use it,
who cares?
It's swollen alright.
But there's no wrenching.
Maybe this isn't a good time to tell you,
but I'm having a birthday party soon.
Do you want to come?
Or are you going to be a cloistered monk?
I don't know...
It hurts.
It hurts.
-Sorry.
-It hurts!
Simn!
Bravo, Simn!
Guys.
Guys, take it easy.
Look at me.
Look at me.
It'll all get better from now on, okay?
It's the only good thing about...
playing like shit!
Ramn, when's the next game?
In three weeks, against Molinaseca.
Good. You heard that.
We have three weeks
to become soccer players
that play soccer, not that.
Tomorrow morning
you're going to sweat blood.
Father.
What?
Why wait until tomorrow?
Yeah?
Yeah!
-Sure! Hell yeah!
-Come on, guys!
Hell yeah!
-Hell yeah!
-Let's go, novices!
-Come on!
-C'mon, guys!
Let's go!
For God's sake...
For God's--
What did I say about pastries?
Not one more, not a one!
I'll put you down
for two reds for consecration
-and a white for cooking.
-No.
Just one of each.
And the red can be
a store-brand young wine.
But Father...
We can't afford to treat ourselves.
I've got something you can't say no to.
Look at this beauty.
For the love of God!
This is the latest thing
in the Vatican right now.
Try it out.
-May I?
-Yes.
Lift it up. Lift it up and consecrate.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Get it away.
And leave me alone.
Don't try to trick me, I'm busy.
I'll take the catalogs and let you know.
Father Bjar's going to appreciate this!
I don't believe it!
A little water bothers you, Ulises?
The water bothers you? Up you get!
-I can't do it!
-C'mon, guys! Juan Bautista!
Yes, you can!
Hail Mary, Father.
I have a surprise.
A prayer card
that's selling divinely in the Vatican.
It's beautiful. With the Baby Jesus.
That's it, Simn! That's it!
Father?
He ran out on me.
RAMN, ASSISTANT COACH
Father Munilla!
You're not running, are you?
-What are we going to win?
-The Champions Clerum.
I can't hear you!
So many stairs... Wait for me!
Two, one...
I don't want to interfere.
You're the coach,
but I just think it's better
to go for goal.
-Right. They'll beat us by another seven.
-Get away with you!
No, all this is fine.
But it's useless
unless we strengthen the midfield.
Who's that dark-skinned guy
who sneaked them all in?
Jess.
He's called Jess.
I think it was Jess Heredia. Heredia.
So Jess will be our savior.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Today's "Blass Fradei"!
Ma'am, for your hubby.
He'll look like Usain Bolt.
You want them, don't you?
Antonia, a pair of panties for ya?
Everything is one euro.
Jess? Are you Jess?
Jess Heredia, at your service.
What do you want? Panties, bras, briefs?
Look, "Kelvin Klins",
latest fashion, elastic and all.
See? Water-resistant.
Some deep-fried calamari for Jess.
-Wicked! All for me?
-The lot.
I got no problem,
but I don't know
what Father Grabiel will say.
Father Grabiel?
Father Grabiel, yes, sir.
Father Grabiel is my pastor.
Look.
Brother! Sister!
-Give up drugs!
-Amen!
Stop getting wasted!
Drugs are a dead end!
They're the road to perdition.
-Give up alcohol.
-Amen!
Give up the nose candy!
It's the road to destruction.
-Loose women.
-Amen!
-Smoking.
-Hallelujah!
But little by little.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Little by little, progressively.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
-Glory be to God!
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Glory be to God!
When on the path of God,
you're on the path
of the glorious Nazarene.
Glory be to God!
He lifts you up.
-He purifies you.
-Amen!
Feel it in your heart.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! I'll tell you something...
Uncle Elisaldo's daughter has a problem.
She needs
one of those "orthendontics" devices,
and they cost a packet.
Let's sing a song of joy.
We'll pass the plate...
Hallelujah, Glory be to God
and a big hug for y'all!
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Receive Him now! Receive God!
Anoint him, Lord! Anoint him, Father!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Yes, Lord! Lead me out of the darkness!
Hallelujah!
Yes, Lord! Hallelujah!
No!
Have you ever seen
an Evangelical play for the Pope?
That's exactly my point.
Come on, Father Grabiel.
From one father to another,
help us out, damn it.
We need your boys
to beat the bishop's team.
-This is about fucking over the Bishop?
-No.
God forgive me.
The Bishop is a bad dude.
He keeps shutting down
my places of worship.
So, if you slip me a few euros...
For the transfer, I mean.
-God forgive me.
-Of course.
Let's see, Father Salvador.
You and this Father Grabiel
are flouting all the laws
of the Holy Mother Church.
You lie.
You bribe shamelessly.
Here we go.
What if the kid was baptized?
-All this for a soccer player?
-Yes, for a soccer player
that we need to win the Champions Clerum.
"Chappium" Clerum,
whatever the heck it is!
No!
Got it?
Come on, novices!
Make sure you warm up! Stretch!
Go, guys! Go!
Priests, it's our turn
to "beat the hell" out of you!
Ignore him.
Torrezno! I'll beat
the holy crap out of you!
Apostate!
Ramn, we're not responding
to provocation. Got it?
-Got it.
-Got it?
-Got it.
-Go, guys.
Don't let the home-field advantage
get to you. We're out to win.
Come on, guys! Let's move it around!
-Hello, Munilla.
-Bishop!
When I heard you were playing,
I came right away.
Thank you, Monsignor.
The last game didn't go so well for you.
Well, no.
Let's see if you're luckier today.
-Champion.
-Thanks.
Father, what was I going to say...?
We... well, the team...
Do we really stand any chance, or...?
With a certain dark-skinned midfielder...
Almighty and Eternal God!
Almighty and Eternal God, please...
Jess Heredia, at your service.
-Panties, bras, briefs...
-Jess Heredia,
who will today be washed clean
from original sin...
Make it snappy, Munilla.
May he be your temple,
with the Holy Spirit, O Lord...
-Amen.
-The water!
-What's this?
-It's blessed.
There! Evangelical and Catholic.
Now I've got dual nationality.
Referee, a sub! Get ready, Jess.
Give me strength, Dad.
Jess, let's get back in the game!
Come on!
Jess!
Go, Jess!
-Goal!
-Goal!
-Goal!
-That's right.
Good, Juan Bautista!
That's it, no fear! Throw yourself at it!
Shoot, Simn! No mercy!
Goal!
Goal!
Well, well, Munilla, you kept this quiet!
Yes, sir, good team formation,
winning attitudes...
One day I'll visit your monastery
and you'll tell me your secret.
Of course, Monsignor, whenever you like.
On Thursday, we've got chick pea stew
with pig's ear.
We gave it to them up the ass! Hell yeah!
With all due respect, Father.
Guys, we're men of God.
We don't gloat over
the misfortune of others.
-Got it?
-Yes, got it.
-Got it?
-Where's Munilla?
-Munilla, come here! Get in the photo!
-The photo.
Everyone say "tiki-taka".
Go on!
Tiki-taka.
One more.
Tiki-taka.
Well, well! It turns out that these guys
have put the monastery of St. Theodosius
on the map.
Father Cienfuegos' boys
should be worried...
It seems they have a serious competitor.
They'll meet next Sunday
in the grand final
of the Spanish phase
of the Champium Clerum.
And, to encourage the guys
of St. Theodosius,
and so they keep making a splash,
we'll dedicate this song to them
and their prior, Father...
Jacinto Munilla.
Yes,
I wanted to speak to you.
Let's go!
I hear panting, but no running.
Faster, guys!
You heard Ramn! Look sharp, eh?
Good morning.
Hello, Sara.
So? Are you here to measure
Father Professor's blood sugar?
Yes.
Let's see how he behaved today.
It's not easy to resist your pastries.
Half the town have developed diabetes.
See you later!
Hi, guys!
-Hi.
-Good morning.
Juan Bautista, I'm cutting down
your pastry dose.
I'll make your double chin sweat.
-Have you known her long?
-Yes.
Since we were little.
We were friends at school.
Kids stuff.
Then, as grown-ups...
Grown-up stuff.
Well, until I came here.
Oh, my friend.
When you take this path,
you leave a lot of things behind.
Too many.
She's celebrating her birthday today.
But I don't think I'll go.
I think a little fresh air
would do you good.
Do you think so, Father? I'm a little...
A little what? Scared, right?
Go and face your fears. It's the only way.
All this running around, shorty,
will lead you straight to temptation.
Juanito, it's only a birthday party.
You eat cake,
blow out candles, and that's it.
-Nothing else?
-Nothing else!
Take it easy, Simn.
Temptation doesn't stand a chance
against a true calling.
Wait.
So you smell nice.
I was saving it for myself,
but this is a special occasion.
He's damning himself.
Thanks, Ramn.
Go on, go.
Simn!
What a surprise! You came!
How are you? This is Simn, guys.
How are you?
I...
I would've liked to get you something,
but we don't get paid at the monastery.
Pastries!
Great! Thanks a lot, Simn.
He's spaced out.
Want some?
I don't smoke, thanks.
We'll join you later.
What a character!
I didn't know you had a boyfriend.
I don't.
Come along.
Be careful.
I've never done it
with more than two guys in one night.
Or even two.
Come on, guys.
I've never done it on a first date.
If you have, you have to drink.
My turn.
I've never...
-been in love.
-Here we go.
Go for it.
I've never prayed the rosary.
Hey, that's enough.
Don't go overboard.
Don't listen to him.
No, it's alright.
It's a game, right?
Then it's my turn.
-Go for it.
-Go.
Come on!
-Go, go!
-Down in one!
Mr. Pastry!
Are you alright?
Come here.
They're good people.
They just like to laugh at everything.
Are you sure, Simn?
No.
I'm not sure.
Not about this or anything.
I don't know what I want
and you're not helping me!
Excuse me?
Simn!
Are you alright?
Are you alright?
Come and take that off or you'll freeze.
No, no, I'm fine.
I'm going.
I promised Father Munilla
I'd be back before eight.
-But...
-Happy birthday, Sara.
Simn.
Shit.
Shit.
Simn, don't go.
Simn.
Son.
You had me worried.
What were you up to at this hour,
and looking like that?
I've been making a fool of myself.
Haven't you ever made a fool of yourself?
Of course not.
You don't know
what it's like outside the seminary,
your prayers and your--
pastries.
That's all you talk about and teach us.
Useful things for life.
Like the date of
the Second Vatican Council.
Or the number of cardinals
in the Conclave.
We can count on you for that.
But, when we have a real doubt
or something bothering us,
turning to our rector is useless!
Luckily, God sent us Father Salvador.
He listens to us,
understands us and gives us advice.
If it wasn't for him
and our high hopes for soccer,
which he brought too,
this monastery would be
just a pastry factory.
Let me in, Father, I want to go to bed.
No, son, no.
This monastery has a closing time.
It's not open till the morning prayers.
Go on, rub out all those lines.
Are there no more brooms?
Mateo, go for brooms.
All the brooms you can find.
What are you doing, Munilla?
No more soccer.
What? But... why?
-Why?
-Yes.
Because I put my trust in you
and you spoiled my years of work.
These guys are everything to me.
They're my life.
And you're putting wild ideas
into their heads.
No more soccer!
Oh, really? And what do you suggest?
Should we kneel and pray?
You think that'll save all this.
Right, guys, kneel and pray
to St. Theodosius.
You think and speak like that
because you have little faith.
Almost none.
Faith? You have to go out
and look for faith.
Sure, and get back drunk as skunks.
And doubting everything.
These guys aren't prepared
to face the world yet.
No more soccer!
Isn't it about time?
What are we preparing them for?
Who? You?
You don't teach them much.
Only to negotiate with mercenaries
or steal from the Vatican accounts.
Munilla!
You see?
No, don't stop.
Go on.
Keep being an example to them.
Keep teaching these guys
your idea of the Church.
Meanwhile, here... there's order!
Pull that thing down.
There you go.
Take away the net.
Separate the crossbars
and pile them up there.
Those ones, too.
The evangelical guides...
for centuries in the Church...
have been the friars' way of life.
These three vows to live in blessedness
are the pillars of our fraternal life.
He took his son as Spiritual Father.
When he was young, he felt the desire
to follow in Abraham's footsteps
and left his parents,
to devote himself to his love of God.
Got it?
Theodosius settled in Jerusalem
at the time
of the Council of Chalcedon, in 451.
Jacinto!
Are you there?
Avelino! My God! You gave me a fright.
I didn't see you.
Neither did I, son.
The Paradores people
are waiting for you downstairs.
I'll be right there. Go on ahead.
Not a Romanesque monastery,
I want a romantic monastery.
We'll put a spa in there.
I want a big, open space.
It needs light, open windows.
Get rid of that cloistered monk stench.
Don't you smell it?
Good sense of smell.
Alright, I'm Father Munilla,
prior of this seminary.
How can I help you?
As you know, Paradores
is buying this monastery.
And we're giving it a face lift.
That part there we'll turn into suites,
all glazed, with their jacuzzis.
And there, in the bell tower,
we'll put a chill-out room.
Father!
Father, can you hear me?
-Father, can you hear me?
-Yes.
I think you've been misinformed.
The monastery's not for sale.
-It's not?
-No.
What do you mean?
I have a contract here, a deal,
and the Bishop's authorization.
The Bishop?
The Pope.
The Pope is infallible.
The Bishop isn't.
Guys, wait.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have duties to attend to.
Go on!
-Avelino.
-Yes.
Do me a favor
and see these gentlemen to the door.
I'd be happy to!
What is it, Father?
We're going back to the Ch--
-Champions.
-The Champions Clerum.
Guys, we'll either be
the emblem of Christianity,
or we'll die trying.
-Hallelujah!
-Let's go for it!
Joyfully we train, Lord
To win the Champions Clerum
My Lord
There!
That's the way, guys!
Sure!
You're absolutely right, Munilla.
The Bishop isn't infallible.
Let alone a humble rector
of a small seminary
that's about to be closed down.
Someone I know is infallible
is Cienfuegos' forward,
who's going to score eight goals
against you in the first half.
My dear Cienfuegos, my dear Munilla,
I've called you here
before the game between our seminaries
to remind you that, even though
you face each other on the field,
you'll always be united
by your faith in Jesus.
Muni, remember what they called you
in the seminary?
A faith that does not admit
victors or vanquished,
only fraternity and concord.
"Shit-eater".
Of course we can't forget
that whoever wins
will be one step closer to Rome.
Do you really believe you and your team
stand a chance in "the Pit"?
We called you "shit-eater".
This is really going to be
a duel to the death.
Shit-eater.
May the best team win.
May the best team win.
You didn't overdo the desserts,
did you, Father?
No, I didn't touch any.
No, I'm lying, I had a nibble
of a crme caramel...
-and a fig chocolate.
-Right.
And four vanilla slices,
three coconut balls...
Simn...
Simn, wait!
Simn!
-Munilla...
-What?
Sit down.
How are you?
The other night you ran off
and I've heard nothing from you.
There's nothing to say.
I shouldn't have gone there.
What was I doing at a party
with alcohol, joints and silly games?
My place is here, between these walls,
with prayer, seclusion, study,
soccer and God.
Sure.
If you're so sure,
why were you about to kiss me?
The path to true faith
is full of doubts and obstacles.
Excuse me?
No...
-Obstacles?
-No, I didn't mean that.
That's what I am to you?
No.
I'm an obstacle? Really?
Do you know what I think?
Your only obstacle is yourself.
You put up obstacles
against your desire to escape
these walls you're hiding behind.
You're afraid of the real world,
of the light of day.
You're afraid of me.
You're terrified of the possibility
of being in love with me.
You're shit-scared!
Grow up, Simn,
and get your head straight.
Good luck.
You're going to need it.
Shake hands.
They're called religious
But no way
They're called religious
But no way
Jump, Diocesan!
Jump, Diocesan!
Get up there! Go!
Let's take it up the sideline.
Come on!
Take the sideline.
Jess.
Just you, Jess.
Just you!
Goal!
Goal!
Okay, calm down.
Goal!
Jump or go to hell
Jump or go to hell
Why did you get out of the way?
What are you doing, Juanito?
Goal!
Goal!
Goal!
Goal!
Damn it! Juan Bautista!
What's going on?
Go, move it!
What are you doing?
What's gotten into this guy?
What's going on?
We'll sort it out at halftime.
What did they offer you, Juanito?
What is this? Why pick on me?
Don't play dumb. You stink of a pay-off.
What did they promise you if we lose?
What the hell do you care?
Talk! Spit it out, fatso!
Now you're gonna talk.
Stop, he's gonna talk.
He's gonna spit it out!
Spit it out!
They promised to send me
back to my town in Mexico.
What?
That toad Cienfuegos, I'll spit on him.
God forgive me.
Damn it, you don't get that
by betraying your own people,
but through your work and your calling.
And you're good at that, Juanito.
I know.
I'm sorry.
You're my friends, my family.
I didn't want to betray you,
but I wanted to go to my town
and teach the kids that drug trafficking
is not the right path,
that there are other paths.
Why didn't you talk to Father Salvador?
He would have helped you.
Do you think so?
Sure, damn it!
He's got contacts in the Vatican.
Real contacts,
not like that blowhard Cienfuegos.
He's never left the seminary.
So you know what you have to do.
Go out there and show everyone
that you're a kick-ass goalie.
-Hell yeah!
-Hell yeah!
Hell yeah!
That's it, guys!
We've got it! Get it and go!
Hey, follow it!
Now! Good, good!
It's just you!
-Come on!
-Let's trust in our boys.
Juan Bautista, where are you going?
Juan Bautista, what are you doing?
Goal!
We've got to win this game!
Jump or you're a sinner
Defense!
Penalty!
A penalty? Oh, please!
-A penalty?
-This is highway robbery, ref!
-A penalty...
-Score the penalty, please.
Juan Bautista, you know the right path!
Stop it and we're going to Rome.
Yes!
-He stopped it!
-With his double chin!
Hell yeah! We're going to Rome!
Oh, my face...
Champions!
You...
are a shit-eater.
You...
are a shit-eater.
Munilla!
Congratulations.
I've always believed in you, champ.
Come here.
Listen up. The guys of St. Theodosius
have just qualified
for the grand final
of the Champions Clerum.
That's a toll of the bell,
and not for the morning prayers.
See you in Rome! At the Holy See,
in the dreaded Vatican "Pit",
in seven days.
We'll be covering it all here,
on Diocesan Game Time.
Please, Miss, get going,
I'll be late for dialysis.
Sorry! Of course! I'm sorry!
Yes, to Rome, Rome.
By plane, to be closer to God.
Are there group discounts?
And do the guys pay adult fares?
They're between 20 and 34.
Come on, Jesusito Heredia,
Juan Bautista and the pastries, right?
Good.
Ramn, little angel, up you go.
And young Simn.
-It everyone there?
-Let's go, Simn.
Let's go.
We're off to Italy.
Let's hope we see the Pope.
Champions Clerum, my Lord!
Champions Clerum!
Champions Clerum, my Lord!
Champions Clerum!
Champions Clerum, my Lord!
Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
Champions...
You needn't unpack your bags.
We didn't bring any baggage,
we came here to win.
You'll never win in the Vatican "Pit".
In Ancient Rome, lions ate the Christians.
Now some Christians
are going to snack on other Christians.
It'd be unorthodox to make
a bet with a superior, wouldn't it?
-Look, Father...
-Relax.
If you're so sure...
Win this and the next day
you'll be back in Africa.
Keep your cool. Got it?
And if we don't win?
Father Cienfuegos will have
a lifetime job for you in the seminary.
Deal.
Isn't that right, Father Munilla?
Jacinto, isn't it?
Jacinto, that's right.
Eminence.
Look, I took the liberty
of bringing these pastries
from our monastery,
in case the Holy Father
wishes to try them.
-Thank you, we'll try your...
-Pastries.
Pastries.
A cardinal!
A real one. I got to meet
a cardinal in person.
And it's all so beautiful!
I want to see things.
I need to see things.
Oil level, perfect.
Wash it well down there.
Remove all the mud, got it?
Fine, I've got it.
Don't give me that.
The other day, the hem
of the Holy Father's cassock got dirty.
Yeah, yeah, fine.
Wash it properly, all the mud.
The Holy Father's car.
Sara!
What are you doing here?
What's wrong?
Every team has its fans, right?
Look, a scarf and everything.
My grandma made it for me.
-SSC?
-Seminary Soccer Club.
And look...
"We'll snack on the Romans."
Nobody's stopping here, Juan Bautista.
Those folks don't understand us.
I think we should go back
and hole up in the hotel.
We hole up enough already
in St. Theodosius.
Out there, Rome awaits us.
The Eternal City.
God help us.
-"Taxini"! "Taxini"!
-Let's go!
Arrivederci, Roma!
Holy shit, Beelzebub himself!
We're going straight to hell!
I don't know, Bautista.
First get to know it,
then give your opinion.
Hi, boys. Do you want to get in
without lining up?
Come on, come with us.
Come on... Okay. Come on!
Listen...
I owe you an apology.
I shouldn't have spoken to you
like that the other day.
I've been thinking a lot
about what you said.
And you're right, I'm my biggest obstacle.
Do you remember that first day
of Senior High?
Of course I do.
I waited for you to pick me up
on the way to school, as usual,
and you didn't show up.
Not that day, or the next,
or the next, or the next.
When I found out you had entered
a seminary, I just couldn't get it.
Well,
I convinced myself
that the seminary was my calling.
I was sure of it.
Why didn't you tell me?
All I had was you, Simn. Only you.
And you left me all alone.
I had no idea what had happened.
Sara...
What?
I'm a coward.
I was afraid I'd lose my calling
if I looked into your eyes again.
And, after all this time,
I still can't do it.
Why did you come, Sara?
Because of you, Simn. Because of you.
To be honest, watching priests
playing soccer doesn't turn me on.
Look, my little priest...
All these years I've been with guys
I thought I was crazy about
and were the love of my life,
but they weren't.
And do you know why?
No.
Because you're the man of my life,
damn it, you got that?
It's you.
Now what?
Are you going to run away again?
No.
Of course not.
I will never run away from you again.
Father! I'm losing the battle
against the Evil One.
Relax, the main thing
is not to lose tomorrow.
For God's sake, Ramn, answer the phone!
Answer the phone, son!
Look! Here it comes again!
What a scorpion kick!
I swear, tomorrow I'm doing one of those.
Cut it out with the scorpions,
you'll use up my data.
Fifteen missed calls from Father Munilla.
We'll be in for it!
No, we already are. 1200 euros in booze.
What?
It's these Italian girls, they're trouble.
You like to get close to them, though.
Goat's milk... Who ordered that?
Good night.
Good night, Your Holiness.
Darn it!
Yes?
For God's sake, Ramn, little angel!
I've called you 15 times!
Got it?
What problem?
Get out of where?
The Mafia?
What are you saying, little angel?
Mother of God!
They're going to kill them,
and for 200,000 pesetas.
We won't make it,
they'll bury them in quicklime.
Let's go.
No.
Where did you get that? No, you couldn't!
Don't you want to save the boys?
All my life fleeing from sin,
and suddenly it's hell,
excommunication, jail!
Salvador! We're stealing the Pope's car!
Cool, huh?
It's started.
Forgive him, Lord,
he knows not what he does.
You getting in?
The guys...
And neither do I!
Let's go.
What are you doing?
This car's a handful.
Turn around.
Too late. Leave it to me.
They'll catch us, they will! Turn around.
Lean back and wave.
Pax et dominum tecum.
I'll kill you, Munilla, I will.
You're going to hit it, Salvador.
Shit!
Relax, Munilla.
The Holy Father's car is fully insured.
Where's the Pope going at 3 a.m.?
Anywhere he wants. You're such a busybody.
Do you know where you're going?
Darn it!
It's like we're going around in circles.
Shit!
Now, try to slow down, Father!
It's the shortest way, Jacinto,
and there's no time.
I'm stepping on it!
Stop, darn it, we won't fit
into that tunnel!
If we stop, we won't make it.
How high is the Popemobile?
We'll soon find out.
We got the Holy Father's car stuck!
God forgive us!
We're close. One last sprint, go!
Mea culpa! Mea culpa!
The panels, the paintwork...
Have Mercy, Lord!
-Run!
-I'm running.
Here comes Father Munilla.
Oh, God. We've really screwed up.
Father Munilla,
I told them you pay dearly for your sins.
And this one will cost 1280 euros, right?
It's my fault, Father.
As assistant coach,
it's my responsibility.
So, when we get to the hotel,
I'll hand in my whistle,
my board and I'll quit...
Father!
Jacinto, don't slap the guys.
We're going to need some balls here.
Hey there. Good evening.
How are you doing?
A lot of balls.
Well, we'll try to negotiate.
And, if they give us no choice,
like you say, balls.
But, above all, order!
I'll try first, they're my boys.
Got it?
Here, little angel.
Use me as a battering ram,
it'll catch them off guard.
Up!
-There!
-Come on!
I give up!
You're choking me, son, you're choking me.
Do you have Wi-Fi here?
Thank you for using the Vatican Bank.
Well, here they are, Father Salvador.
Men by night, rag dolls by day.
Let's go, novices.
The Pit awaits you.
Damn him to hell and back.
Guys! Order! Look at me. Me!
You've been training
and trying out systems for months.
But do you want to know
how all games are won?
With balls.
Yes, Jacinto.
Games are won with balls.
-Do you really believe that, Father?
-Yes.
I really do.
We're monks, yes,
but, out there, we're soccer players.
And soccer players
don't turn the other cheek.
What do we have?
Right, we understand.
-What do we have?
-Balls!
-What do we have?
-Balls!
-What are we going to win?
-The Champions Clerum!
-What are we going to win?
-The Champions Clerum!
Then hit The Pit like gladiators
and show them that you have some...
Balls!
Come on!
Come on, guys. For St. Theodosius.
St. Theodosius team, from Spain.
Number 1: Juan Bautista.
Number 2: Jess Fernndez...
Number 3...
Juan Bautista,
the Vatican guys will eat us alive!
I know, I've already shat my pants.
Watch your tiki-taka!
That's it, your "Tidicacan".
Let's go for it,
let's show the game to the Lord.
C'mon, lots of energy.
Lord, I ask you to bless those legs...
In this cathedral of secular soccer,
I bless you in the name
of the Father, the Son...
and Cristiano Ronaldo.
I knew it. The Vatican Curia,
they're "Merengues".
Simn!
Let's go.
Come on.
C'mon, Simn! Go, go, go!
Go, go!
We're live from Rome...
Lift up the antenna!
Right...
More! Higher!
I'm not fiddling with it anymore.
Vaticanum!
Vaticanum!
Cut it off there! Watch out!
Stop that guy! Stop him!
He's alone! He's alone!
Goal!
No, no!
You're not focused! You're not motivated!
All this whiteboard and whatnot, damn it!
There, midfield, that's it.
Play it. Good.
Open it up!
Go, boys! Up you go!
Keep it tight on the field!
Tiki-taka, and, if the ball
goes in the net, that's a goal.
Get it in position, go.
Goal!
Goal!
Goal!
Hallelujah! Goal!
Go on, get out the booze.
Goal!
Great, guys! Keep it up!
There's still plenty of game left.
For now it's 1-1, Eminence.
Hang tough!
-C'mon!
-One more!
This isn't normal, eh?
These people are too fast,
and that's not Godly.
That's the "nose candy"
and the "anabollocks".
Goal!
And we reach the end of the first half.
My God, the Vatican side is winning 2-1.
They have to keep fighting,
they have to hang in there.
We're certainly in
for a heart-stopping second half.
Live from Rome,
on a special broadcast,
to experience this thrilling final
on Diocesan Game Time.
Guys, come on.
Head up high.
You're doing great.
Ramn, forget the whiteboard.
And forget the system.
The time has come to tell you
about my deadliest weapon.
Just as in the Pentecost
there was the miracle
of the appearance of the Holy Spirit,
this piece of play incorporates
its very own miracle.
Go, go!
A corner's almost like a penalty.
Go, guys!
Pentecost!
-We're in Lent, Salvador.
-Shut up.
Goal!
Goal!
Hallelujah!
And it's the end, with a 2-2 draw.
My God, who'd have thought?
My God.
The penalties, they're going to penalties.
What's wrong, Monsignor?
Nothing you can't sort out.
What? I don't understand.
Listen closely, Jacinto.
We're not going to win this game.
You and your boys
have taken my diocese
further than I ever imagined,
and I'm very grateful,
but nobody beats the Pope's team.
Do you understand?
The David and Goliath thing
is fine for sermons,
but that's all.
Let's see if I get this...
I'm ordering you
to lose this game, Munilla.
You'll know how to do it, I trust you.
I can't believe my ears, Monsignor.
What?
Do you know how hard
those guys fought to get here?
Do you know what's at stake
for Father Salvador?
That doesn't matter now, son.
It doesn't matter, Monsignor?
How do I go out and face them
and tell them all their efforts
were in vain?
That the Bishop says
that it doesn't matter?
What matters then, Monsignor?
Luxury facilities? King prawns?
Plots?
You can keep those
for that shit Cienfuegos,
but please let us fight for a dream.
Look, a lot of these guys
had never seen a ball in their lives,
yet they're about to get
what they most desire.
Do you know how they get that?
Do you know...?
No, of course not.
Well, I'll tell you.
With balls, Bishop.
You get it with balls!
I forbid you...!
I forbid you to speak to me like that!
Get this into your head, Munilla...
This team belongs to you,
not to those seminary students.
And, if the Vatican doesn't
win this game,
tomorrow I'll be sending you
to the ends of the earth
and you'll never see your boys again.
Is that clear?
Is that clear?
Yes, Monsignor.
My son...
Listen up.
The penalty shoot-out is about to begin.
If you have heart troubles,
don't listen to this.
Our big question...
Can St. Theodosius
beat the Vatican team?
No one has up to now.
The Vatican team shoots first.
Who is that?
Oh, yes, it's Paolo di Genaro.
He runs, shoots and...
Goal. 1-0 to the Vatican.
St. Theodosius shooting now.
The novice runs, shoots and... Goal!
-A 1-all draw.
-Take that!
Now the Vatican's turn.
He shoots... and misses wide of the goal.
Go, go, go!
Now it's St. Theodosius' turn.
There goes Simn! Simn!
C'mon, Simn! What are you doing?
Concentrate! Go to it!
Concentrate. What are you doing?
What are you looking at?
There goes the kid.
He does a "rabona" kick and... goal!
There goes Domenico Cabrini,
he shoots and... goal!
There goes St. Theodosius.
He shoots and...
Vatican goalie Luigi Bonano saves it!
The Vatican runs, shoots...
That's 3-2 on the scoreboard,
to the home team.
Now it's the turn of Jess Heredia,
top scorer of the Champions.
He runs, shoots and... goal!
Take that! Hallelujah!
To your people, Jess!
Attention. The penultimate
penalty in the shoot-out.
It's a tie on the scoreboard.
The Holy Father's team
go for their fifth penalty.
He can't do it.
Juan Bautista focuses.
He shoots and... A scorpion kick!
A scorpion kick!
Good Lord, what a save!
The moment of truth has come.
Let's see who's taking
the final and definitive shot
-for St. Theodosius.
-I don't believe it.
One step away, listen to me,
one step away from heaven.
But who's that? It's Father Munilla.
If Jacinto's taking it,
the Champions Clerum is over.
And what's worse, Father Huerto,
our monastery is doomed.
In his boots is the power
to bestow glory on St. Theodosius.
A spine-tingling moment. The tension!
Stand by, anything could happen.
Goal!
Goal!
My goodness, Munilla!
-Goal to St. Theodosius!
-We won, Father Munilla!
We are the champions!
Goal!
Goal!
Up! Get him up!
Munilla! Munilla!
Screw you, you "Merengues"!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
Hey, birdie!
I thought
you weren't going to say goodbye.
You and your ideas, Father.
Father,
I wanted to tell you...
I'm sorry I let you down.
No, you didn't let me down.
I swear, I tried to be a good priest.
Well, you never know.
Maybe it wasn't your time.
Maybe you'll be back one day.
When you've felt the calling...
I don't think so. I'm sure now,
my true calling is called Sara.
Right.
So you've chosen your own path.
It wasn't what I wanted for you,
but it's yours and that's the main thing.
I want you here every Sunday for lunch.
Well, it can't be here
because I humiliated the Bishop
in front of the Pope
and he hasn't forgiven me yet.
So St. Theodosius is still for sale.
Sure. I know.
It's all the guys talk about.
It's a shame.
But it's a bigger shame
for the Vatican goalie.
What a goal you got past him.
That's true, son.
That's true.
I promise I'll come for lunch
every Sunday,
wherever you are.
No bishop or priest can stop me.
Come here, give me a hug.
Go on, get going.
Go.
Take care, Simn.
Joyfully we bid you farewell, Simn
So you can go and get it on
Praise be to God
Here, Father.
Seeds of a variety of pumpkin of mine.
My small contribution
against world hunger.
Thank you, Father Huerto. I'll sow them.
Don't you worry, I'll sow them.
This is for the boys in Africa.
New undies. They're Kelvin Klin.
Thanks, Jess.
And say hi to Father Grabiel.
I will.
Well, well, well...
our Father Salvador.
Jacinto, thanks for everything.
Thank you.
But especially for that goal
that's sending me back to Africa.
You know what?
I've grown fond of you too, a little.
A little?
Take care of the guys.
I will.
You're more important to them
than you think.
Come here, give me a hug.
Ready, Ramn?
-Ramn!
-Ready.
-Ramn, little angel!
-Father.
Are you going on safari?
Look, the calling is in my blood,
but I realized
I'm more into practice than theory,
and I'll be of more use in Africa.
-Are you sure, son?
-Absolutely, Father.
Look after yourself.
And let yourself be looked after.
I'll write to you.
Excuse me. I've got a call.
Hello?
The Pope?
It's His Holiness the Pope.
-It's the Pope!
-The Pope in Rome!
Yes, Your Holiness,
we're all here together.
With your permission, I'll turn on
the hands-free mode, so we can all listen.
It's the Pope.
My dear priests,
I'm so happy about your victory.
I've spoken to the Finance Minister
and I'm going to use some money left over
from the reconstruction
of the Sistine Chapel to help you.
In a few days,
you'll find out what I mean.
Trust me, you're not alone.
Thank you for the p--
Pastries, Your Holiness, pastries.
For your pastries, Father Munilla.
All our brothers should try
these little slices of heaven,
don't you think?
Yes, yes.
The Pope liked the pastries.
EXPANSION WORKS
ON OVEN AND BAKEHOUSE
OFFICIAL SUPPLIER TO THE HOLY SEE
OF FATHER MUNILLA'S PASTRIES
Listen up. Silence.
With me, let's go.
Two times one equals two.
Two times two equals four.
Two times three equals six.
Two times four equals eight.
Two times five equals ten.
Two times six equals twelve.
Two times seven equals fourteen.
Two times eight equals sixteen.
Two times nine equals eighteen.
Two times ten equals twenty.
Okay. Good, guys, very good.
Brothers, sisters...
-I have good news for you. Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Our brother, Jess Heredia,
has won the Pope's "Champlus" Clerum.
-Hallelujah! Glory to God!
-Hallelujah!
We've made a chain of prayer
and it won't go into an empty chest.
It'll stay in the full chest
of the Glory of the Lord.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Hold on to your hats
because I've got some big news.
We're going back to the "tipi-tapa".
We've been invited to play
in the World "Champinions" Clerum.
The World Cup!
So I need you two here in person.
Got it? Got it?
What is it?
We've just been invited
to the World Champions Clerum.
But that's great,
it's the monks' World Cup.
Ramn, get the whiteboard,
we're going for it.
You betcha, Father.
Guys, guys, guys!
Got it?
Got it?
Order. Order!
Father Munilla, open the door
We want to get out and tiki-taka some more
Lift your cassock, novice
The dribbling has begun
Since the morning prayers,
I haven't been cross
-Me and theology
-You just don't get it
What I want is fair play
From the Church every day
Come on, all you novices
Praise, praise!
Here we go, Saint Theodosius
Out of your monastery
And off to the Vatican!
Get him to try your pastries
Here we go, Saint Theodosius
Play the Champions Clerum
And pray with flow
May God come down and see it
Our Father, who art in heaven
What do you think the score is down here?
Don't you think
There is too much offside play?
Some people make promises
They don't fulfill
They sculpt figures of you
But you've had your fill
-Ramn.
-Yes, Simn.
Your hands are doves of peace
I see them together and I laugh
Hurry, it's Sunday, and it's Mass today
I draw the play on the board with chalk
Off to Rome and walk the walk
My body's more twisted
Than the tower of Pisa
Here we go, Saint Theodosius
Out of your monastery
And off to the Vatican!
Get him to try your pastries
Here we go, Saint Theodosius
Play the Champions Clerum
And pray with flow
May God come down and see it
They say that the faithful
Are receiving Communion in sin
And they send their prayers via Whatsapp
Even Your Holiness
Has an account and profile
Don't forget to mention
the hashtag of our film
Holy Goalie, type it down!
Even if you're an atheist
Check out these novices' testimony
Give it a volley, kick and see
Friendship, loyalty
And have faith in yourself
Here we go, Saint Theodosius
Out of your monastery
And off to the Vatican!
Get him to try your pastries
Here we go, Saint Theodosius
Play the Champions Clerum
And pray with flow
May God come down and see it
Boys, come here!
Everyone behind me. Now!
From now on, you're all recruited
into the Revolutionary Liberation Army!
To the trucks, hurry!
No! Stop!
Stop!
Please.
Bribing Congolese public workers in '96.
Purchase of stolen light aircraft
from the Chad militia in 2001.
Falsification of papers
at the Sudan border in 2007.
-Shall I go on?
-That was in 2008.
Colonel, we made a deal.
You leave the boys alone.
The deal also involved you paying.
And you haven't paid!
How much was it?
Fifty thousand.
Your Eminence, you know
the money was well spent.
No, I don't know.
And I don't want to know.
You say it was
and that's enough for me.
I've known you
since I was your Bible Theology teacher.
How could I not trust you?
No more Indiana Jones of the clergy,
and no more Africa.
The boys depend on me.
I can't leave them alone
with the guerrillas.
They'll kill them.
Welcome to the Vatican Bank.
What are you doing?
The company's paying. Representation fee.
One gets out of extreme situations
as one can, but...
No, no.
No, no. One moment, I've got it.
...hacking the Vatican's reserve funds...
is a whole new level,
Champions League level.
Two seconds.
That's it!
No, not Champions League level.
That's another thing,
your obsession with evangelizing
through your damned soccer...
No, this is more
of a Champions League of criminality,
embezzlement and organized crime.
Thank you for using the Vatican Bank.
I barely managed to stop the Holy Father
from excommunicating you.
But in exchange I promised
that you'd go back to the apostolate
and to catechesis.
Tomorrow you're going
to your new destination.
South America? India?
San what?
Eh?
HOLY GOALIE
Get those Communion wafers over here.
We'll never finish!
Ramn, my boy, it's you. Shoot!
Sorry, Father.
You burnt me, darn you.
And pick up the Body of Christ right now.
Don't crowd together in the middle,
this isn't a competition.
Everyone will receive Communion,
so line up straight.
Purificacin, don't push the others!
Come on.
The Body of Christ.
The Body of...
Angustias, always the same.
Go get that checked out.
The Body of Christ.
Thus wrote our holy founder,
Saint Theodosius the Cenobiarch,
fifteen centuries ago.
The new guy's here!
-Young men...
-He's here!
I'm in the middle of my lesson
about St. Theodosius!
-You trod on my foot, darn it!
-Sorry.
Look, if it were up to me,
you'd be excommunicated.
Unlike you, I follow orders.
Especially if they're from the bishop.
That's what the hierarchy's for,
to... be... obeyed.
Yes, we know you act like a star,
but we work hard here too.
And without all the antics.
I read in your rsum
that you have postgrad studies.
Good. That'll be useful,
because Father Huerto
is too old to milk Leonor,
our dairy cow.
So you know what your lot is...
African cows are a lot wilder.
This is a piece of cake.
How did you do it?
Leonor only lets Father Huerto milk her.
The trick is to not let them smell fear.
I don't know about scared,
but we're certainly not shitless now.
Hey, Grandpa.
What?
Did you get it?
Get what?
Come on, don't play dumb.
But just a dab, eh? Don't get hooked.
Hair gel multiplies
the sin of vanity by 100%.
Juanito, St. Theodosius' manual
bans perfumes, ointments and resins,
but it doesn't mention hair gel.
Cut it out with St. Theodosius.
What's wrong with a little hair gel?
Does looking one's best
make us bad priests?
Morning, guys.
Good morning.
-Mother of God!
-No, that's Jesus Christ.
And shaded in.
Bless us, Lord,
and the food we're handling.
In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Spirit.
-Amen!
-Amen!
Morning, Fathers.
Brother, a question.
I'm a little lost.
My cell, where is it?
For 20 years, Father Antoanzas
has kept a strict vow of silence.
At the end, on the right, 22 steps.
Thank you, brothers.
Oh, God.
Well, the manual of St. Theodosius.
In Africa, where I've come from,
as some of you know,
this manual would come in handy...
to prop up the table where my boys eat.
Gentlemen, my first theology lesson
is that there are two kinds of priests.
The priests who follow
the Holy Mother Church,
Roman Catholic and Apostolic,
and those that are as God intended.
Decide which kind you want to be.
Those who study the letters
of St. Theodosius,
which is fine,
or those that go out into the world
to prop up tables.
But, if you choose the first kind,
I'm really sorry,
but I can't teach you anything.
Sorry, I forgot. Come closer.
There's a third kind of priest.
-Yes?
-Yes.
Come closer.
It's a very rare species.
-Yes?
-Yes.
Closer.
And it's in danger of extinction.
-Yes?
-Yes.
I'm talking about... Father Munilla!
He turns up naked and covered in tattoos!
He shoves his backside
in our faces, Monsignor.
Eat up. Have a couple of prawns.
I never miss Wednesday lunches here.
He'd be better off in this seminary.
Monsignor, he'd be more controlled.
Don't worry, he will be.
Really?
Yes. As well as all of you
at St. Theodosius.
I've decided to merge the two seminaries.
We just received a magnificent offer
to turn this place
into a luxury Parador hotel.
A luxury hotel?
St. Theodosius is our home.
Too many debts.
The budget you allocated me
doesn't stretch any further.
So, what will become of us?
We'll make room for you
here with Cienfuegos
and you can bring your novices.
Monsignor.
Hey, Cienfuegos!
Is everything to your liking?
By the way,
the hotel is a great opportunity.
Faith doesn't pay the bills,
right, Munilla?
Relax, Jacinto. Under my care,
you'll be very comfortable.
And you?
You don't want any prawns?
Novices!
Labor laboris!
That means work!
Look at them.
The pride of my bishopric.
They're bound to win
the Champions Clerum.
The "Champinion Plerum"?
Munilla!
It's like a Champions League
for the clergy.
The final will be contested in Rome.
The Vatican team remains unbeaten.
Their stadium's a kind of Colosseum
refitted as a pitch.
"The Pit" they call it.
The winner will become
the emblem of the New Christianity.
I won't lie to you, Munilla,
winning the Champions
would be a major feather in my cap.
-For His Holiness, I mean.
-I understand, Monsignor.
Hey, Rouco!
How are you? How's retirement?
Yes, I know, a great penthouse.
Like that, you see?
Shit, it's not that hard.
Jacinto, pass it! You're a star!
You're still an ace!
Golly! Seafood!
What a treat!
My dear brothers,
we're being transferred
to the Diocesan seminary.
They're turning this place
into a luxury hotel.
I wish I could tell you something else,
but, for a while now,
St. Theodosius has been in the red,
and there's no solution.
Maybe there is.
What are you doing, Father?
Sit down and don't interrupt.
What am I doing? What you should be doing.
Finding solutions to keep your monastery.
How dare you!
Start a soccer team, Munilla.
Crush Cienfuegos' team.
Crush the darn Vatican Pit
and win the Champions Clerum.
No one will dare to close down
the emblem of the New Christianity.
Don't you see?
Have some balls!
Balls?
Yes!
No.
Order.
Come with me for a moment.
You're just a newcomer
and you dare to undermine me
in front of everyone
with this stupid soccer idea!
It's a crazy idea, yes.
Yes!
But it's better than just repeating
the Litany of the Virgin,
which is all you can do.
Munilla...
Don't you realize?
You have the chance to teach
these guys the lesson of their life.
Let them fight for their monastery,
damn it, their home!
Or do nothing.
Maybe you really want to share a bunk
with that idiot, Cienfuegos.
What the heck's wrong with you?
Father Munilla.
What?
We're really keen to try it.
Yes, yes.
We'd like to as well.
If this isn't a mutin--
a rebelli--
an act of--
May God come down...
and see it.
I don't know much about soccer,
but I have given myself up
to the Virgin of Guadalupe,
and I can kick like a pro, teach.
I'm Brazilian, soccer's in my blood.
For a cerebral player like me,
midfield's my natural position,
distributing the play.
Right.
Tiki-taka style.
Dribbling the ball.
And I can do bicycle kicks over and over.
I don't need to train.
With that beautiful body God gave you,
I see you more as a kick-ass goalie, man.
Cool.
'Cause you're a star, right?
Yo, you got it.
I'm good in the corners too.
You know what, Ramn?
What I see is that...
is that you...
you've got soccer know-how.
You bet.
My father, may he rest in peace,
was a big Legans fan.
Something must have rubbed off.
Ramn, you're made for the sidelines.
It's settled.
You're it. Assistant coach.
What?
Assistant coach? I like it!
Quick, Simn. Now we've got five balls.
-Got it?
-Hurry, let's go!
This isn't right, Ramn.
Or wrong. It's a private school.
They've got tons of balls.
Bastards!
Out of the way!
AMBULANCE
That was Sara, wasn't it?
Simn, I've got whitewash all over me!
Stop, Simn!
Simn!
Straighten up,
we're making the field round.
Pay attention, Juan Bautista.
Watch and learn.
Go for it, Simn.
Get me up and I'll show you
how to do a bicycle kick.
Good!
-Good, Simn!
-Well done, Simn!
-No. No good.
-Next time!
Father, that's no good.
Lift your habit!
Stretch those abductor muscles!
Green. I told you. They're very green.
They'll ripen today.
Ripen?
They're going to get creamed.
That's right, they'll ripen.
HOME - VISITORS
-Go, go!
-Gentlemen, go!
No! Not like that!
No!
Come on, boys!
Man-to-man marking!
Come on, pay attention! Up!
Watch these people, my God!
They're good up high.
Go on, don't miss it!
It's fine. Keep doing the same.
Well, maybe a bit better.
Bautista!
I'm not asking you to save them all,
but cut out the own goals.
Another goal, father, another goal.
Go, go down. Good! That's it, Simn.
Come on! Ref!
You cockroach!
That's no way to referee!
Ref, that's a foul!
Foul!
Go! Good, Simn! Keep up the pressure!
Look out! Stop, stop!
This is serious.
Medic!
Alright... Make way!
Are you alright? On your back.
Slowly.
Sounds broken.
It's his scrotum.
I think one of his balls is jammed up.
Thank you, doctor.
The left one.
Shall I help you get your pants down?
No, no, no.
I wish I'd been hit.
Up to you, but any necrosis
isn't my responsibility.
And necrosis is...
a pain in the ass.
Move it, Ramn!
What have you lost here?
-What have you lost?
-Nothing, nothing.
Nothing? Off you go.
Is it swollen?
I don't know what to tell you.
The last time I saw your private parts,
we were 10 years old.
Is it serious?
For all a novice like you will use it,
who cares?
It's swollen alright.
But there's no wrenching.
Maybe this isn't a good time to tell you,
but I'm having a birthday party soon.
Do you want to come?
Or are you going to be a cloistered monk?
I don't know...
It hurts.
It hurts.
-Sorry.
-It hurts!
Simn!
Bravo, Simn!
Guys.
Guys, take it easy.
Look at me.
Look at me.
It'll all get better from now on, okay?
It's the only good thing about...
playing like shit!
Ramn, when's the next game?
In three weeks, against Molinaseca.
Good. You heard that.
We have three weeks
to become soccer players
that play soccer, not that.
Tomorrow morning
you're going to sweat blood.
Father.
What?
Why wait until tomorrow?
Yeah?
Yeah!
-Sure! Hell yeah!
-Come on, guys!
Hell yeah!
-Hell yeah!
-Let's go, novices!
-Come on!
-C'mon, guys!
Let's go!
For God's sake...
For God's--
What did I say about pastries?
Not one more, not a one!
I'll put you down
for two reds for consecration
-and a white for cooking.
-No.
Just one of each.
And the red can be
a store-brand young wine.
But Father...
We can't afford to treat ourselves.
I've got something you can't say no to.
Look at this beauty.
For the love of God!
This is the latest thing
in the Vatican right now.
Try it out.
-May I?
-Yes.
Lift it up. Lift it up and consecrate.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Get it away.
And leave me alone.
Don't try to trick me, I'm busy.
I'll take the catalogs and let you know.
Father Bjar's going to appreciate this!
I don't believe it!
A little water bothers you, Ulises?
The water bothers you? Up you get!
-I can't do it!
-C'mon, guys! Juan Bautista!
Yes, you can!
Hail Mary, Father.
I have a surprise.
A prayer card
that's selling divinely in the Vatican.
It's beautiful. With the Baby Jesus.
That's it, Simn! That's it!
Father?
He ran out on me.
RAMN, ASSISTANT COACH
Father Munilla!
You're not running, are you?
-What are we going to win?
-The Champions Clerum.
I can't hear you!
So many stairs... Wait for me!
Two, one...
I don't want to interfere.
You're the coach,
but I just think it's better
to go for goal.
-Right. They'll beat us by another seven.
-Get away with you!
No, all this is fine.
But it's useless
unless we strengthen the midfield.
Who's that dark-skinned guy
who sneaked them all in?
Jess.
He's called Jess.
I think it was Jess Heredia. Heredia.
So Jess will be our savior.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Today's "Blass Fradei"!
Ma'am, for your hubby.
He'll look like Usain Bolt.
You want them, don't you?
Antonia, a pair of panties for ya?
Everything is one euro.
Jess? Are you Jess?
Jess Heredia, at your service.
What do you want? Panties, bras, briefs?
Look, "Kelvin Klins",
latest fashion, elastic and all.
See? Water-resistant.
Some deep-fried calamari for Jess.
-Wicked! All for me?
-The lot.
I got no problem,
but I don't know
what Father Grabiel will say.
Father Grabiel?
Father Grabiel, yes, sir.
Father Grabiel is my pastor.
Look.
Brother! Sister!
-Give up drugs!
-Amen!
Stop getting wasted!
Drugs are a dead end!
They're the road to perdition.
-Give up alcohol.
-Amen!
Give up the nose candy!
It's the road to destruction.
-Loose women.
-Amen!
-Smoking.
-Hallelujah!
But little by little.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Little by little, progressively.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
-Glory be to God!
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Glory be to God!
When on the path of God,
you're on the path
of the glorious Nazarene.
Glory be to God!
He lifts you up.
-He purifies you.
-Amen!
Feel it in your heart.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! I'll tell you something...
Uncle Elisaldo's daughter has a problem.
She needs
one of those "orthendontics" devices,
and they cost a packet.
Let's sing a song of joy.
We'll pass the plate...
Hallelujah, Glory be to God
and a big hug for y'all!
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Receive Him now! Receive God!
Anoint him, Lord! Anoint him, Father!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Yes, Lord! Lead me out of the darkness!
Hallelujah!
Yes, Lord! Hallelujah!
No!
Have you ever seen
an Evangelical play for the Pope?
That's exactly my point.
Come on, Father Grabiel.
From one father to another,
help us out, damn it.
We need your boys
to beat the bishop's team.
-This is about fucking over the Bishop?
-No.
God forgive me.
The Bishop is a bad dude.
He keeps shutting down
my places of worship.
So, if you slip me a few euros...
For the transfer, I mean.
-God forgive me.
-Of course.
Let's see, Father Salvador.
You and this Father Grabiel
are flouting all the laws
of the Holy Mother Church.
You lie.
You bribe shamelessly.
Here we go.
What if the kid was baptized?
-All this for a soccer player?
-Yes, for a soccer player
that we need to win the Champions Clerum.
"Chappium" Clerum,
whatever the heck it is!
No!
Got it?
Come on, novices!
Make sure you warm up! Stretch!
Go, guys! Go!
Priests, it's our turn
to "beat the hell" out of you!
Ignore him.
Torrezno! I'll beat
the holy crap out of you!
Apostate!
Ramn, we're not responding
to provocation. Got it?
-Got it.
-Got it?
-Got it.
-Go, guys.
Don't let the home-field advantage
get to you. We're out to win.
Come on, guys! Let's move it around!
-Hello, Munilla.
-Bishop!
When I heard you were playing,
I came right away.
Thank you, Monsignor.
The last game didn't go so well for you.
Well, no.
Let's see if you're luckier today.
-Champion.
-Thanks.
Father, what was I going to say...?
We... well, the team...
Do we really stand any chance, or...?
With a certain dark-skinned midfielder...
Almighty and Eternal God!
Almighty and Eternal God, please...
Jess Heredia, at your service.
-Panties, bras, briefs...
-Jess Heredia,
who will today be washed clean
from original sin...
Make it snappy, Munilla.
May he be your temple,
with the Holy Spirit, O Lord...
-Amen.
-The water!
-What's this?
-It's blessed.
There! Evangelical and Catholic.
Now I've got dual nationality.
Referee, a sub! Get ready, Jess.
Give me strength, Dad.
Jess, let's get back in the game!
Come on!
Jess!
Go, Jess!
-Goal!
-Goal!
-Goal!
-That's right.
Good, Juan Bautista!
That's it, no fear! Throw yourself at it!
Shoot, Simn! No mercy!
Goal!
Goal!
Well, well, Munilla, you kept this quiet!
Yes, sir, good team formation,
winning attitudes...
One day I'll visit your monastery
and you'll tell me your secret.
Of course, Monsignor, whenever you like.
On Thursday, we've got chick pea stew
with pig's ear.
We gave it to them up the ass! Hell yeah!
With all due respect, Father.
Guys, we're men of God.
We don't gloat over
the misfortune of others.
-Got it?
-Yes, got it.
-Got it?
-Where's Munilla?
-Munilla, come here! Get in the photo!
-The photo.
Everyone say "tiki-taka".
Go on!
Tiki-taka.
One more.
Tiki-taka.
Well, well! It turns out that these guys
have put the monastery of St. Theodosius
on the map.
Father Cienfuegos' boys
should be worried...
It seems they have a serious competitor.
They'll meet next Sunday
in the grand final
of the Spanish phase
of the Champium Clerum.
And, to encourage the guys
of St. Theodosius,
and so they keep making a splash,
we'll dedicate this song to them
and their prior, Father...
Jacinto Munilla.
Yes,
I wanted to speak to you.
Let's go!
I hear panting, but no running.
Faster, guys!
You heard Ramn! Look sharp, eh?
Good morning.
Hello, Sara.
So? Are you here to measure
Father Professor's blood sugar?
Yes.
Let's see how he behaved today.
It's not easy to resist your pastries.
Half the town have developed diabetes.
See you later!
Hi, guys!
-Hi.
-Good morning.
Juan Bautista, I'm cutting down
your pastry dose.
I'll make your double chin sweat.
-Have you known her long?
-Yes.
Since we were little.
We were friends at school.
Kids stuff.
Then, as grown-ups...
Grown-up stuff.
Well, until I came here.
Oh, my friend.
When you take this path,
you leave a lot of things behind.
Too many.
She's celebrating her birthday today.
But I don't think I'll go.
I think a little fresh air
would do you good.
Do you think so, Father? I'm a little...
A little what? Scared, right?
Go and face your fears. It's the only way.
All this running around, shorty,
will lead you straight to temptation.
Juanito, it's only a birthday party.
You eat cake,
blow out candles, and that's it.
-Nothing else?
-Nothing else!
Take it easy, Simn.
Temptation doesn't stand a chance
against a true calling.
Wait.
So you smell nice.
I was saving it for myself,
but this is a special occasion.
He's damning himself.
Thanks, Ramn.
Go on, go.
Simn!
What a surprise! You came!
How are you? This is Simn, guys.
How are you?
I...
I would've liked to get you something,
but we don't get paid at the monastery.
Pastries!
Great! Thanks a lot, Simn.
He's spaced out.
Want some?
I don't smoke, thanks.
We'll join you later.
What a character!
I didn't know you had a boyfriend.
I don't.
Come along.
Be careful.
I've never done it
with more than two guys in one night.
Or even two.
Come on, guys.
I've never done it on a first date.
If you have, you have to drink.
My turn.
I've never...
-been in love.
-Here we go.
Go for it.
I've never prayed the rosary.
Hey, that's enough.
Don't go overboard.
Don't listen to him.
No, it's alright.
It's a game, right?
Then it's my turn.
-Go for it.
-Go.
Come on!
-Go, go!
-Down in one!
Mr. Pastry!
Are you alright?
Come here.
They're good people.
They just like to laugh at everything.
Are you sure, Simn?
No.
I'm not sure.
Not about this or anything.
I don't know what I want
and you're not helping me!
Excuse me?
Simn!
Are you alright?
Are you alright?
Come and take that off or you'll freeze.
No, no, I'm fine.
I'm going.
I promised Father Munilla
I'd be back before eight.
-But...
-Happy birthday, Sara.
Simn.
Shit.
Shit.
Simn, don't go.
Simn.
Son.
You had me worried.
What were you up to at this hour,
and looking like that?
I've been making a fool of myself.
Haven't you ever made a fool of yourself?
Of course not.
You don't know
what it's like outside the seminary,
your prayers and your--
pastries.
That's all you talk about and teach us.
Useful things for life.
Like the date of
the Second Vatican Council.
Or the number of cardinals
in the Conclave.
We can count on you for that.
But, when we have a real doubt
or something bothering us,
turning to our rector is useless!
Luckily, God sent us Father Salvador.
He listens to us,
understands us and gives us advice.
If it wasn't for him
and our high hopes for soccer,
which he brought too,
this monastery would be
just a pastry factory.
Let me in, Father, I want to go to bed.
No, son, no.
This monastery has a closing time.
It's not open till the morning prayers.
Go on, rub out all those lines.
Are there no more brooms?
Mateo, go for brooms.
All the brooms you can find.
What are you doing, Munilla?
No more soccer.
What? But... why?
-Why?
-Yes.
Because I put my trust in you
and you spoiled my years of work.
These guys are everything to me.
They're my life.
And you're putting wild ideas
into their heads.
No more soccer!
Oh, really? And what do you suggest?
Should we kneel and pray?
You think that'll save all this.
Right, guys, kneel and pray
to St. Theodosius.
You think and speak like that
because you have little faith.
Almost none.
Faith? You have to go out
and look for faith.
Sure, and get back drunk as skunks.
And doubting everything.
These guys aren't prepared
to face the world yet.
No more soccer!
Isn't it about time?
What are we preparing them for?
Who? You?
You don't teach them much.
Only to negotiate with mercenaries
or steal from the Vatican accounts.
Munilla!
You see?
No, don't stop.
Go on.
Keep being an example to them.
Keep teaching these guys
your idea of the Church.
Meanwhile, here... there's order!
Pull that thing down.
There you go.
Take away the net.
Separate the crossbars
and pile them up there.
Those ones, too.
The evangelical guides...
for centuries in the Church...
have been the friars' way of life.
These three vows to live in blessedness
are the pillars of our fraternal life.
He took his son as Spiritual Father.
When he was young, he felt the desire
to follow in Abraham's footsteps
and left his parents,
to devote himself to his love of God.
Got it?
Theodosius settled in Jerusalem
at the time
of the Council of Chalcedon, in 451.
Jacinto!
Are you there?
Avelino! My God! You gave me a fright.
I didn't see you.
Neither did I, son.
The Paradores people
are waiting for you downstairs.
I'll be right there. Go on ahead.
Not a Romanesque monastery,
I want a romantic monastery.
We'll put a spa in there.
I want a big, open space.
It needs light, open windows.
Get rid of that cloistered monk stench.
Don't you smell it?
Good sense of smell.
Alright, I'm Father Munilla,
prior of this seminary.
How can I help you?
As you know, Paradores
is buying this monastery.
And we're giving it a face lift.
That part there we'll turn into suites,
all glazed, with their jacuzzis.
And there, in the bell tower,
we'll put a chill-out room.
Father!
Father, can you hear me?
-Father, can you hear me?
-Yes.
I think you've been misinformed.
The monastery's not for sale.
-It's not?
-No.
What do you mean?
I have a contract here, a deal,
and the Bishop's authorization.
The Bishop?
The Pope.
The Pope is infallible.
The Bishop isn't.
Guys, wait.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have duties to attend to.
Go on!
-Avelino.
-Yes.
Do me a favor
and see these gentlemen to the door.
I'd be happy to!
What is it, Father?
We're going back to the Ch--
-Champions.
-The Champions Clerum.
Guys, we'll either be
the emblem of Christianity,
or we'll die trying.
-Hallelujah!
-Let's go for it!
Joyfully we train, Lord
To win the Champions Clerum
My Lord
There!
That's the way, guys!
Sure!
You're absolutely right, Munilla.
The Bishop isn't infallible.
Let alone a humble rector
of a small seminary
that's about to be closed down.
Someone I know is infallible
is Cienfuegos' forward,
who's going to score eight goals
against you in the first half.
My dear Cienfuegos, my dear Munilla,
I've called you here
before the game between our seminaries
to remind you that, even though
you face each other on the field,
you'll always be united
by your faith in Jesus.
Muni, remember what they called you
in the seminary?
A faith that does not admit
victors or vanquished,
only fraternity and concord.
"Shit-eater".
Of course we can't forget
that whoever wins
will be one step closer to Rome.
Do you really believe you and your team
stand a chance in "the Pit"?
We called you "shit-eater".
This is really going to be
a duel to the death.
Shit-eater.
May the best team win.
May the best team win.
You didn't overdo the desserts,
did you, Father?
No, I didn't touch any.
No, I'm lying, I had a nibble
of a crme caramel...
-and a fig chocolate.
-Right.
And four vanilla slices,
three coconut balls...
Simn...
Simn, wait!
Simn!
-Munilla...
-What?
Sit down.
How are you?
The other night you ran off
and I've heard nothing from you.
There's nothing to say.
I shouldn't have gone there.
What was I doing at a party
with alcohol, joints and silly games?
My place is here, between these walls,
with prayer, seclusion, study,
soccer and God.
Sure.
If you're so sure,
why were you about to kiss me?
The path to true faith
is full of doubts and obstacles.
Excuse me?
No...
-Obstacles?
-No, I didn't mean that.
That's what I am to you?
No.
I'm an obstacle? Really?
Do you know what I think?
Your only obstacle is yourself.
You put up obstacles
against your desire to escape
these walls you're hiding behind.
You're afraid of the real world,
of the light of day.
You're afraid of me.
You're terrified of the possibility
of being in love with me.
You're shit-scared!
Grow up, Simn,
and get your head straight.
Good luck.
You're going to need it.
Shake hands.
They're called religious
But no way
They're called religious
But no way
Jump, Diocesan!
Jump, Diocesan!
Get up there! Go!
Let's take it up the sideline.
Come on!
Take the sideline.
Jess.
Just you, Jess.
Just you!
Goal!
Goal!
Okay, calm down.
Goal!
Jump or go to hell
Jump or go to hell
Why did you get out of the way?
What are you doing, Juanito?
Goal!
Goal!
Goal!
Goal!
Damn it! Juan Bautista!
What's going on?
Go, move it!
What are you doing?
What's gotten into this guy?
What's going on?
We'll sort it out at halftime.
What did they offer you, Juanito?
What is this? Why pick on me?
Don't play dumb. You stink of a pay-off.
What did they promise you if we lose?
What the hell do you care?
Talk! Spit it out, fatso!
Now you're gonna talk.
Stop, he's gonna talk.
He's gonna spit it out!
Spit it out!
They promised to send me
back to my town in Mexico.
What?
That toad Cienfuegos, I'll spit on him.
God forgive me.
Damn it, you don't get that
by betraying your own people,
but through your work and your calling.
And you're good at that, Juanito.
I know.
I'm sorry.
You're my friends, my family.
I didn't want to betray you,
but I wanted to go to my town
and teach the kids that drug trafficking
is not the right path,
that there are other paths.
Why didn't you talk to Father Salvador?
He would have helped you.
Do you think so?
Sure, damn it!
He's got contacts in the Vatican.
Real contacts,
not like that blowhard Cienfuegos.
He's never left the seminary.
So you know what you have to do.
Go out there and show everyone
that you're a kick-ass goalie.
-Hell yeah!
-Hell yeah!
Hell yeah!
That's it, guys!
We've got it! Get it and go!
Hey, follow it!
Now! Good, good!
It's just you!
-Come on!
-Let's trust in our boys.
Juan Bautista, where are you going?
Juan Bautista, what are you doing?
Goal!
We've got to win this game!
Jump or you're a sinner
Defense!
Penalty!
A penalty? Oh, please!
-A penalty?
-This is highway robbery, ref!
-A penalty...
-Score the penalty, please.
Juan Bautista, you know the right path!
Stop it and we're going to Rome.
Yes!
-He stopped it!
-With his double chin!
Hell yeah! We're going to Rome!
Oh, my face...
Champions!
You...
are a shit-eater.
You...
are a shit-eater.
Munilla!
Congratulations.
I've always believed in you, champ.
Come here.
Listen up. The guys of St. Theodosius
have just qualified
for the grand final
of the Champions Clerum.
That's a toll of the bell,
and not for the morning prayers.
See you in Rome! At the Holy See,
in the dreaded Vatican "Pit",
in seven days.
We'll be covering it all here,
on Diocesan Game Time.
Please, Miss, get going,
I'll be late for dialysis.
Sorry! Of course! I'm sorry!
Yes, to Rome, Rome.
By plane, to be closer to God.
Are there group discounts?
And do the guys pay adult fares?
They're between 20 and 34.
Come on, Jesusito Heredia,
Juan Bautista and the pastries, right?
Good.
Ramn, little angel, up you go.
And young Simn.
-It everyone there?
-Let's go, Simn.
Let's go.
We're off to Italy.
Let's hope we see the Pope.
Champions Clerum, my Lord!
Champions Clerum!
Champions Clerum, my Lord!
Champions Clerum!
Champions Clerum, my Lord!
Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
Champions...
You needn't unpack your bags.
We didn't bring any baggage,
we came here to win.
You'll never win in the Vatican "Pit".
In Ancient Rome, lions ate the Christians.
Now some Christians
are going to snack on other Christians.
It'd be unorthodox to make
a bet with a superior, wouldn't it?
-Look, Father...
-Relax.
If you're so sure...
Win this and the next day
you'll be back in Africa.
Keep your cool. Got it?
And if we don't win?
Father Cienfuegos will have
a lifetime job for you in the seminary.
Deal.
Isn't that right, Father Munilla?
Jacinto, isn't it?
Jacinto, that's right.
Eminence.
Look, I took the liberty
of bringing these pastries
from our monastery,
in case the Holy Father
wishes to try them.
-Thank you, we'll try your...
-Pastries.
Pastries.
A cardinal!
A real one. I got to meet
a cardinal in person.
And it's all so beautiful!
I want to see things.
I need to see things.
Oil level, perfect.
Wash it well down there.
Remove all the mud, got it?
Fine, I've got it.
Don't give me that.
The other day, the hem
of the Holy Father's cassock got dirty.
Yeah, yeah, fine.
Wash it properly, all the mud.
The Holy Father's car.
Sara!
What are you doing here?
What's wrong?
Every team has its fans, right?
Look, a scarf and everything.
My grandma made it for me.
-SSC?
-Seminary Soccer Club.
And look...
"We'll snack on the Romans."
Nobody's stopping here, Juan Bautista.
Those folks don't understand us.
I think we should go back
and hole up in the hotel.
We hole up enough already
in St. Theodosius.
Out there, Rome awaits us.
The Eternal City.
God help us.
-"Taxini"! "Taxini"!
-Let's go!
Arrivederci, Roma!
Holy shit, Beelzebub himself!
We're going straight to hell!
I don't know, Bautista.
First get to know it,
then give your opinion.
Hi, boys. Do you want to get in
without lining up?
Come on, come with us.
Come on... Okay. Come on!
Listen...
I owe you an apology.
I shouldn't have spoken to you
like that the other day.
I've been thinking a lot
about what you said.
And you're right, I'm my biggest obstacle.
Do you remember that first day
of Senior High?
Of course I do.
I waited for you to pick me up
on the way to school, as usual,
and you didn't show up.
Not that day, or the next,
or the next, or the next.
When I found out you had entered
a seminary, I just couldn't get it.
Well,
I convinced myself
that the seminary was my calling.
I was sure of it.
Why didn't you tell me?
All I had was you, Simn. Only you.
And you left me all alone.
I had no idea what had happened.
Sara...
What?
I'm a coward.
I was afraid I'd lose my calling
if I looked into your eyes again.
And, after all this time,
I still can't do it.
Why did you come, Sara?
Because of you, Simn. Because of you.
To be honest, watching priests
playing soccer doesn't turn me on.
Look, my little priest...
All these years I've been with guys
I thought I was crazy about
and were the love of my life,
but they weren't.
And do you know why?
No.
Because you're the man of my life,
damn it, you got that?
It's you.
Now what?
Are you going to run away again?
No.
Of course not.
I will never run away from you again.
Father! I'm losing the battle
against the Evil One.
Relax, the main thing
is not to lose tomorrow.
For God's sake, Ramn, answer the phone!
Answer the phone, son!
Look! Here it comes again!
What a scorpion kick!
I swear, tomorrow I'm doing one of those.
Cut it out with the scorpions,
you'll use up my data.
Fifteen missed calls from Father Munilla.
We'll be in for it!
No, we already are. 1200 euros in booze.
What?
It's these Italian girls, they're trouble.
You like to get close to them, though.
Goat's milk... Who ordered that?
Good night.
Good night, Your Holiness.
Darn it!
Yes?
For God's sake, Ramn, little angel!
I've called you 15 times!
Got it?
What problem?
Get out of where?
The Mafia?
What are you saying, little angel?
Mother of God!
They're going to kill them,
and for 200,000 pesetas.
We won't make it,
they'll bury them in quicklime.
Let's go.
No.
Where did you get that? No, you couldn't!
Don't you want to save the boys?
All my life fleeing from sin,
and suddenly it's hell,
excommunication, jail!
Salvador! We're stealing the Pope's car!
Cool, huh?
It's started.
Forgive him, Lord,
he knows not what he does.
You getting in?
The guys...
And neither do I!
Let's go.
What are you doing?
This car's a handful.
Turn around.
Too late. Leave it to me.
They'll catch us, they will! Turn around.
Lean back and wave.
Pax et dominum tecum.
I'll kill you, Munilla, I will.
You're going to hit it, Salvador.
Shit!
Relax, Munilla.
The Holy Father's car is fully insured.
Where's the Pope going at 3 a.m.?
Anywhere he wants. You're such a busybody.
Do you know where you're going?
Darn it!
It's like we're going around in circles.
Shit!
Now, try to slow down, Father!
It's the shortest way, Jacinto,
and there's no time.
I'm stepping on it!
Stop, darn it, we won't fit
into that tunnel!
If we stop, we won't make it.
How high is the Popemobile?
We'll soon find out.
We got the Holy Father's car stuck!
God forgive us!
We're close. One last sprint, go!
Mea culpa! Mea culpa!
The panels, the paintwork...
Have Mercy, Lord!
-Run!
-I'm running.
Here comes Father Munilla.
Oh, God. We've really screwed up.
Father Munilla,
I told them you pay dearly for your sins.
And this one will cost 1280 euros, right?
It's my fault, Father.
As assistant coach,
it's my responsibility.
So, when we get to the hotel,
I'll hand in my whistle,
my board and I'll quit...
Father!
Jacinto, don't slap the guys.
We're going to need some balls here.
Hey there. Good evening.
How are you doing?
A lot of balls.
Well, we'll try to negotiate.
And, if they give us no choice,
like you say, balls.
But, above all, order!
I'll try first, they're my boys.
Got it?
Here, little angel.
Use me as a battering ram,
it'll catch them off guard.
Up!
-There!
-Come on!
I give up!
You're choking me, son, you're choking me.
Do you have Wi-Fi here?
Thank you for using the Vatican Bank.
Well, here they are, Father Salvador.
Men by night, rag dolls by day.
Let's go, novices.
The Pit awaits you.
Damn him to hell and back.
Guys! Order! Look at me. Me!
You've been training
and trying out systems for months.
But do you want to know
how all games are won?
With balls.
Yes, Jacinto.
Games are won with balls.
-Do you really believe that, Father?
-Yes.
I really do.
We're monks, yes,
but, out there, we're soccer players.
And soccer players
don't turn the other cheek.
What do we have?
Right, we understand.
-What do we have?
-Balls!
-What do we have?
-Balls!
-What are we going to win?
-The Champions Clerum!
-What are we going to win?
-The Champions Clerum!
Then hit The Pit like gladiators
and show them that you have some...
Balls!
Come on!
Come on, guys. For St. Theodosius.
St. Theodosius team, from Spain.
Number 1: Juan Bautista.
Number 2: Jess Fernndez...
Number 3...
Juan Bautista,
the Vatican guys will eat us alive!
I know, I've already shat my pants.
Watch your tiki-taka!
That's it, your "Tidicacan".
Let's go for it,
let's show the game to the Lord.
C'mon, lots of energy.
Lord, I ask you to bless those legs...
In this cathedral of secular soccer,
I bless you in the name
of the Father, the Son...
and Cristiano Ronaldo.
I knew it. The Vatican Curia,
they're "Merengues".
Simn!
Let's go.
Come on.
C'mon, Simn! Go, go, go!
Go, go!
We're live from Rome...
Lift up the antenna!
Right...
More! Higher!
I'm not fiddling with it anymore.
Vaticanum!
Vaticanum!
Cut it off there! Watch out!
Stop that guy! Stop him!
He's alone! He's alone!
Goal!
No, no!
You're not focused! You're not motivated!
All this whiteboard and whatnot, damn it!
There, midfield, that's it.
Play it. Good.
Open it up!
Go, boys! Up you go!
Keep it tight on the field!
Tiki-taka, and, if the ball
goes in the net, that's a goal.
Get it in position, go.
Goal!
Goal!
Goal!
Hallelujah! Goal!
Go on, get out the booze.
Goal!
Great, guys! Keep it up!
There's still plenty of game left.
For now it's 1-1, Eminence.
Hang tough!
-C'mon!
-One more!
This isn't normal, eh?
These people are too fast,
and that's not Godly.
That's the "nose candy"
and the "anabollocks".
Goal!
And we reach the end of the first half.
My God, the Vatican side is winning 2-1.
They have to keep fighting,
they have to hang in there.
We're certainly in
for a heart-stopping second half.
Live from Rome,
on a special broadcast,
to experience this thrilling final
on Diocesan Game Time.
Guys, come on.
Head up high.
You're doing great.
Ramn, forget the whiteboard.
And forget the system.
The time has come to tell you
about my deadliest weapon.
Just as in the Pentecost
there was the miracle
of the appearance of the Holy Spirit,
this piece of play incorporates
its very own miracle.
Go, go!
A corner's almost like a penalty.
Go, guys!
Pentecost!
-We're in Lent, Salvador.
-Shut up.
Goal!
Goal!
Hallelujah!
And it's the end, with a 2-2 draw.
My God, who'd have thought?
My God.
The penalties, they're going to penalties.
What's wrong, Monsignor?
Nothing you can't sort out.
What? I don't understand.
Listen closely, Jacinto.
We're not going to win this game.
You and your boys
have taken my diocese
further than I ever imagined,
and I'm very grateful,
but nobody beats the Pope's team.
Do you understand?
The David and Goliath thing
is fine for sermons,
but that's all.
Let's see if I get this...
I'm ordering you
to lose this game, Munilla.
You'll know how to do it, I trust you.
I can't believe my ears, Monsignor.
What?
Do you know how hard
those guys fought to get here?
Do you know what's at stake
for Father Salvador?
That doesn't matter now, son.
It doesn't matter, Monsignor?
How do I go out and face them
and tell them all their efforts
were in vain?
That the Bishop says
that it doesn't matter?
What matters then, Monsignor?
Luxury facilities? King prawns?
Plots?
You can keep those
for that shit Cienfuegos,
but please let us fight for a dream.
Look, a lot of these guys
had never seen a ball in their lives,
yet they're about to get
what they most desire.
Do you know how they get that?
Do you know...?
No, of course not.
Well, I'll tell you.
With balls, Bishop.
You get it with balls!
I forbid you...!
I forbid you to speak to me like that!
Get this into your head, Munilla...
This team belongs to you,
not to those seminary students.
And, if the Vatican doesn't
win this game,
tomorrow I'll be sending you
to the ends of the earth
and you'll never see your boys again.
Is that clear?
Is that clear?
Yes, Monsignor.
My son...
Listen up.
The penalty shoot-out is about to begin.
If you have heart troubles,
don't listen to this.
Our big question...
Can St. Theodosius
beat the Vatican team?
No one has up to now.
The Vatican team shoots first.
Who is that?
Oh, yes, it's Paolo di Genaro.
He runs, shoots and...
Goal. 1-0 to the Vatican.
St. Theodosius shooting now.
The novice runs, shoots and... Goal!
-A 1-all draw.
-Take that!
Now the Vatican's turn.
He shoots... and misses wide of the goal.
Go, go, go!
Now it's St. Theodosius' turn.
There goes Simn! Simn!
C'mon, Simn! What are you doing?
Concentrate! Go to it!
Concentrate. What are you doing?
What are you looking at?
There goes the kid.
He does a "rabona" kick and... goal!
There goes Domenico Cabrini,
he shoots and... goal!
There goes St. Theodosius.
He shoots and...
Vatican goalie Luigi Bonano saves it!
The Vatican runs, shoots...
That's 3-2 on the scoreboard,
to the home team.
Now it's the turn of Jess Heredia,
top scorer of the Champions.
He runs, shoots and... goal!
Take that! Hallelujah!
To your people, Jess!
Attention. The penultimate
penalty in the shoot-out.
It's a tie on the scoreboard.
The Holy Father's team
go for their fifth penalty.
He can't do it.
Juan Bautista focuses.
He shoots and... A scorpion kick!
A scorpion kick!
Good Lord, what a save!
The moment of truth has come.
Let's see who's taking
the final and definitive shot
-for St. Theodosius.
-I don't believe it.
One step away, listen to me,
one step away from heaven.
But who's that? It's Father Munilla.
If Jacinto's taking it,
the Champions Clerum is over.
And what's worse, Father Huerto,
our monastery is doomed.
In his boots is the power
to bestow glory on St. Theodosius.
A spine-tingling moment. The tension!
Stand by, anything could happen.
Goal!
Goal!
My goodness, Munilla!
-Goal to St. Theodosius!
-We won, Father Munilla!
We are the champions!
Goal!
Goal!
Up! Get him up!
Munilla! Munilla!
Screw you, you "Merengues"!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
-Champions Clerum!
Hey, birdie!
I thought
you weren't going to say goodbye.
You and your ideas, Father.
Father,
I wanted to tell you...
I'm sorry I let you down.
No, you didn't let me down.
I swear, I tried to be a good priest.
Well, you never know.
Maybe it wasn't your time.
Maybe you'll be back one day.
When you've felt the calling...
I don't think so. I'm sure now,
my true calling is called Sara.
Right.
So you've chosen your own path.
It wasn't what I wanted for you,
but it's yours and that's the main thing.
I want you here every Sunday for lunch.
Well, it can't be here
because I humiliated the Bishop
in front of the Pope
and he hasn't forgiven me yet.
So St. Theodosius is still for sale.
Sure. I know.
It's all the guys talk about.
It's a shame.
But it's a bigger shame
for the Vatican goalie.
What a goal you got past him.
That's true, son.
That's true.
I promise I'll come for lunch
every Sunday,
wherever you are.
No bishop or priest can stop me.
Come here, give me a hug.
Go on, get going.
Go.
Take care, Simn.
Joyfully we bid you farewell, Simn
So you can go and get it on
Praise be to God
Here, Father.
Seeds of a variety of pumpkin of mine.
My small contribution
against world hunger.
Thank you, Father Huerto. I'll sow them.
Don't you worry, I'll sow them.
This is for the boys in Africa.
New undies. They're Kelvin Klin.
Thanks, Jess.
And say hi to Father Grabiel.
I will.
Well, well, well...
our Father Salvador.
Jacinto, thanks for everything.
Thank you.
But especially for that goal
that's sending me back to Africa.
You know what?
I've grown fond of you too, a little.
A little?
Take care of the guys.
I will.
You're more important to them
than you think.
Come here, give me a hug.
Ready, Ramn?
-Ramn!
-Ready.
-Ramn, little angel!
-Father.
Are you going on safari?
Look, the calling is in my blood,
but I realized
I'm more into practice than theory,
and I'll be of more use in Africa.
-Are you sure, son?
-Absolutely, Father.
Look after yourself.
And let yourself be looked after.
I'll write to you.
Excuse me. I've got a call.
Hello?
The Pope?
It's His Holiness the Pope.
-It's the Pope!
-The Pope in Rome!
Yes, Your Holiness,
we're all here together.
With your permission, I'll turn on
the hands-free mode, so we can all listen.
It's the Pope.
My dear priests,
I'm so happy about your victory.
I've spoken to the Finance Minister
and I'm going to use some money left over
from the reconstruction
of the Sistine Chapel to help you.
In a few days,
you'll find out what I mean.
Trust me, you're not alone.
Thank you for the p--
Pastries, Your Holiness, pastries.
For your pastries, Father Munilla.
All our brothers should try
these little slices of heaven,
don't you think?
Yes, yes.
The Pope liked the pastries.
EXPANSION WORKS
ON OVEN AND BAKEHOUSE
OFFICIAL SUPPLIER TO THE HOLY SEE
OF FATHER MUNILLA'S PASTRIES
Listen up. Silence.
With me, let's go.
Two times one equals two.
Two times two equals four.
Two times three equals six.
Two times four equals eight.
Two times five equals ten.
Two times six equals twelve.
Two times seven equals fourteen.
Two times eight equals sixteen.
Two times nine equals eighteen.
Two times ten equals twenty.
Okay. Good, guys, very good.
Brothers, sisters...
-I have good news for you. Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Our brother, Jess Heredia,
has won the Pope's "Champlus" Clerum.
-Hallelujah! Glory to God!
-Hallelujah!
We've made a chain of prayer
and it won't go into an empty chest.
It'll stay in the full chest
of the Glory of the Lord.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
Hold on to your hats
because I've got some big news.
We're going back to the "tipi-tapa".
We've been invited to play
in the World "Champinions" Clerum.
The World Cup!
So I need you two here in person.
Got it? Got it?
What is it?
We've just been invited
to the World Champions Clerum.
But that's great,
it's the monks' World Cup.
Ramn, get the whiteboard,
we're going for it.
You betcha, Father.
Guys, guys, guys!
Got it?
Got it?
Order. Order!
Father Munilla, open the door
We want to get out and tiki-taka some more
Lift your cassock, novice
The dribbling has begun
Since the morning prayers,
I haven't been cross
-Me and theology
-You just don't get it
What I want is fair play
From the Church every day
Come on, all you novices
Praise, praise!
Here we go, Saint Theodosius
Out of your monastery
And off to the Vatican!
Get him to try your pastries
Here we go, Saint Theodosius
Play the Champions Clerum
And pray with flow
May God come down and see it
Our Father, who art in heaven
What do you think the score is down here?
Don't you think
There is too much offside play?
Some people make promises
They don't fulfill
They sculpt figures of you
But you've had your fill
-Ramn.
-Yes, Simn.
Your hands are doves of peace
I see them together and I laugh
Hurry, it's Sunday, and it's Mass today
I draw the play on the board with chalk
Off to Rome and walk the walk
My body's more twisted
Than the tower of Pisa
Here we go, Saint Theodosius
Out of your monastery
And off to the Vatican!
Get him to try your pastries
Here we go, Saint Theodosius
Play the Champions Clerum
And pray with flow
May God come down and see it
They say that the faithful
Are receiving Communion in sin
And they send their prayers via Whatsapp
Even Your Holiness
Has an account and profile
Don't forget to mention
the hashtag of our film
Holy Goalie, type it down!
Even if you're an atheist
Check out these novices' testimony
Give it a volley, kick and see
Friendship, loyalty
And have faith in yourself
Here we go, Saint Theodosius
Out of your monastery
And off to the Vatican!
Get him to try your pastries
Here we go, Saint Theodosius
Play the Champions Clerum
And pray with flow
May God come down and see it