Home Delivery (2025) Movie Script

1
[beep]
-[Jimmy snoring]
-[Ellye groans]
It's happening.
It's happening.
-[Jimmy grunts]
-[taps hard] It's happening!
-What is...? Now?
Now?
-Yeeeesssss!
[oxygen hissing]
[Kevin] I can smell colors.
[Dr. Tamblyn] Thank you
for shaving your scrotum,
by the way.
-[Kevin] Oh, sure.
-I know it's just
a little gesture,
but the nurses
sure do appreciate it.
-Ah.
-Now you're going to feel
a little tug.
-Why does he keep saying little?
Why does he repeat that word?
-Last chance, folks.
Sure you want to
go through with this?
-[soft chuckle]
We're sure.
[flesh sizzles]
[phone ringing]
-I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, hon.
-What?
-Let me-- let me turn that off.
-Who's cooking bacon?
-Bitsy?
-[Ellye] [over phone] Amy?
-Hi. Yeah. Honey, now--
now's not a good--
[Ellye] It's happening.
-What?
-[Ellye] I know.
Okay, well,
you have to get here.
-You're not due
for another week.
[Ellye] I know,
but it's happening.
[Amy] Uh, we will be there.
[Ellye] Okay. Hurry.
I don't know
when it's gonna happen.
-I know, I know.
Okay, okay.
- So you need to get here now,
just in case.
-Yes. I love you too.
Bye-bye.
-[Kevin blows raspberry]
-Um...
-What up?
-I'm gonna be an auntie.
-[Ellye] Daddy?
- [Howard] Hey! Hello!
[Ellye] Did you remember
the camera?
-Yes, I've got the camera.
I've got the SD cards.
Battery's all charged up.
Even stopped and got
a wide-angle lens
so I can get all of you.
[Ellye] Dad!
What is that supposed to mean?
-Uh...okay. All right.
Poor word choice.
-[Ellye] Get all of me, really?
-All right, I'm sorry.
-[Ellye] God.
-Honey, I'm sorry.
[Ellye] Have you left yet?
[Linda] Sweetheart,
we left Tahoe just now.
[Ellye]
You should be on the road!
-We are on the road.
[Ellye]
I called you an hour ago.
-We'll be there
as soon as we can.
Don't you worry.
[Ellye] Okay.
-[whispers]
Is the back door locked?
Is the coffee machine off?
-[Ellye] Mom?
-Did you at least see the cat?
[Ellye]
Mom! Are you still there?
-Honey? Honey, you know
you weren't supposed to
go into labor
until next week.
[Ellye]
I understand that, Mom.
I can't really control...
-Did you pack your pills?
[Ellye]
...when the baby comes, okay?
-[Gary sighs]
-[Ellye] Mom.
-Make sure you actually
see the cat.
-[Ellye] Mom.
Eew.
[electric razor whirring]
-Wow.
-You okay?
-Yeah, I'm okay.
My balls are sad frozen grapes,
but I'm okay.
-[Amy] I love grapes.
-[Kevin] How are you holding up?
[Amy] Well...
you know, it's a lot.
-It is a lot,
but, uh, I got you.
-I got you.
I got you. [chuckles]
-I got you so hard.
-I-- oh.
[Jimmy] Hey, there they are.
-Hi.
-Here he is.
Thank you, for...
-Oh, anytime. Anytime.
-Hey, congratulations.
-It's so good to see you.
Hey! No!
-I just--
-No!
-Let him.
-No, we are family.
Don't do that.
Don't do that. I got this.
-Thank you very much.
-My man. Come here. Hug me.
-Come on, man.
-Agghhh!
So good to see you again.
-Good to see you.
Hey, uh, what's the spread
on boy versus girl?
-Four to one.
-Four to one?
Put me down for a C-note.
You want in on this?
-On, uh-- oh, do I want--?
No.
-You sure?
-Next time.
-No, we're good.
-It's...a grand.
-Oh. Next time.
We'll think about it next time.
-[Amy chuckles]
-You going to
the game tonight?
-You know it, boss.
-All right, look.
No street dogs. Please.
I'm-- I'm-- I'mma pay you.
No street dogs, all right?
I need all hands on deck
tomorrow.
It's a big day, bro.
-Okay.
[perky music playing]
[Ellye] ...get your
skinny butt over here.
-There she is.
Oh. I'm coming. I'm coming.
You are so preggo this time.
-I am so preggo.
-Oh, my gosh. Five months
really makes a difference.
-I know. I totally popped.
-Look at you.
-Not much longer though.
Fingers crossed. Legs open.
Hi.
-Oh, my god. Gorgeous as ever.
-Oh, stop. I feel like
the Jolly Green Vagiant.
-You look beautiful.
-Do you want to touch it?
-Go ahead.
-Go on.
Yeah, fam.
-Whoa!
-That was-- yeah.
-You felt that?
-It's a fucking alien, right?
We got our own
little chest-burster.
-Come on. Come on.
I wanna give you the tour.
Welcome. Welcome.
I'm so happy you're here.
Thank you, babe.
-It's like the Jetsons.
-[giggles] So much glass.
-[Ellye] Isn't it amazing?
-[Amy] Look at that.
It's so beautiful.
[Ellye] Oh, you should
have seen it before.
It was a total
bachelor pad, okay?
-Beautiful.
[Ellye] Like a wet bar
over here
and there was like
black leather couches.
It was terrible.
-I don't miss it.
-Oh. Jimmy's been so sweet.
He let me play house.
Don't you love that?
[indistinct] has done
all the celebrity pregnancies.
[Jimmy] Baby, I could
stare at that all day.
-It's very tasteful.
-I know. [giggles]
[Ellye] We love it. [squeals]
It turned out so good.
So yeah, everything else
you're looking at,
I pretty much got
from shoots, you know.
Like, oh my gosh, this thing.
Ah, you need this.
This is from Bali.
You guys can have it
if you want.
It's like a fertility goddess.
Worked for us.
Also, I'm sorry,
but if it's okay,
I-- I-- I had to
put you guys in here.
It's just, Mom--
Mom's snoring is so bad.
-Oh, to sleep.
-Yeah.
-Oh, we'll sleep right there?
-Okay.
-Yeah.
-[Jimmy] It folds out.
-It's just-- I can't have
her waking the baby.
The snoring's really bad.
And please don't tell her
I said so,
because you know how she is.
-Whatever you need.
-It's like a chainsaw starting.
-I don't know how
Gary gets any sleep.
-Is that Grandma Evans' china?
-Wasn't that
a wedding gift, baby?
-I think so. I...
-I think it was...
I think it was a wedding
plus a housewarming gift.
I mean, you know how Mom is.
She's like, we're having a baby,
so we'll probably be hosting
Christmas or Thanksgiving,
just for ease.
-So weird, because
you've never even been home
for Thanksgiving since you
landed Victoria's Secret Plus.
-Where should we
stick this luggage?
-The gym. The gym.
-Put it in the gym?
-[Jimmy] Yeah, you know what?
It's down that hallway
right there.
You go down, to the right,
last door.
-Make yourselves at home,
please. Be comfy.
-Will do.
It's really beautiful.
-Oh, god.
I'm so glad you're here.
-Such a treat.
-[Ellye chuckles]
Didn't even take 15 minutes.
-"Since we're the ones
with the baby coming."
That's very subtle.
Very subtle.
-Baby, I think
you should say something.
-Why?
She's gonna take her side.
-Well, that's questionable.
-She always takes her side.
You know what?
She can have the china.
I don't even care.
-Okay. Big of you.
-But she is not
taking our baby name.
-Oh.
-I have had a name picked out
since I was 14 years old.
-Yeah, I know.
-And if she thinks that
she can just swoop on in here
because she's the one that
got pregnant, she can eat...
-Nope.
-...my ass. She can--
-That's my job.
But I will go Mad Max if
she tries to take our baby name.
-[laughing]
[emotional music playing]
[Ellye] [over baby monitor]
Redrum. Redrum. [laughs]
-Bitsy.
[Ellye] Hi.
-This room,
it's... perfect.
-Okay, this is what
they're rocking.
A elliptical, a Peloton,
and a vintage Bowflex.
Jimmy is so loaded, babe.
My god.
'Cause I know how much
her money went to-- [snorts]
-Honey.
[Ellye] Hi, Kevin.
-[sniffs] Ellye,
what is that smell in here?
What is that?
Is that a scented candle?
What's that?
Sea salted papaya?
Is that... I'm so sorry.
-It's okay.
-So nice.
[Ellye] Ams, what is all this?
-We have presents
for the baby.
-You already sent me
so much for the shower.
You know what, I actually
never will forgive you
for not coming to the shower.
-I know. I'm sorry.
I-- it was-- I--
They were-- I--
-They were--
they switched over
to a new electronic
record system--
-Yes.
-At the office,
and the IT guy
was a clusterfuck.
-IT was--
-Oh!
Little ears. Sorry.
-Oh.
-We're trying to watch
our language around the baby.
It is sexing hard--
-It's impossible
is what it is.
-But look, if I can
quit drugs...
-One day at a time.
-...then I can sure as poop
clean up my potty mouth.
-Yeah.
-Yeah. It is a fun thing.
-[chuckles]
-Presents. Presents.
Okay.
-Let's go. Do it.
-[gasps] Aim!
-You remember when I used
to read you Monkey Business ?
-Of course I remember.
-That's Monkey Business ,
so...
-That's very sweet.
-I should have asked
if there was a theme.
-No, no, no, no.
It's so-- yeah, look.
-[laughing]
-It's so sweet.
-[Amy] Cute.
-Look how little it is.
-You can always--
you can return it.
-No, no, no.
I love the book.
I have to have the book.
And you know what?
I have a ton of showers
coming up.
There's like so many people
having babies, so.
[giggles] Okay, moving on.
Put this here.
Amy.
-[Amy chuckles softly]
-What--?
Mom said that she lost this--
-She lost it to that black hole
that was the garage,
but when they were doing
the Oakland move,
they found it in a box
with Grandma Evans' quilt.
-Did you find my wubbie?
-The rats kind of
had their way with it,
but I'm sure they loved it...
-It was gross.
-...as much as you.
-What is that?
-Babe, it's my baby book.
-You were so mad at Mom
for not finishing it,
I just like took
whatever I could find
and I put it in there.
-Aim, I can't-- I don't...
Come over here.
I love you.
-[Kevin groans]
[Jimmy] You okay, buddy?
-Oh, uh, pulled my back.
Just a scooch.
-Oh, right?
You know, we got a hot tub.
-Oh, uh, they're--
I love a hot tub.
-Ain't nothing
like a hot tub party.
-Rain check that.
-Okay.
-Oh, Bits, you're not
supposed to eat soft cheeses.
-No, that's not soft cheeses,
that's moldy cheeses.
-What do you think that
white stuff on the outside is?
-The rind.
-The-- the rind is mold.
-That is the mold.
-What?
-[Kevin] Yeah.
Pregnant women should avoid
soft cheeses like gorgonzola--
-Blue cheese
or gorgonzola or brie--
[Ellye] Yeah, I know that.
-What-- what--
what does it do?
-Can cause listeriosis.
-I mean,
there's a bacteria in it.
[Jimmy] What the fudge
does that do?!
-Are you kidding me?
-It can travel
through the placenta
and may induce a miscarriage,
but you have to eat gobs--
[Amy] So much. You--
-Amy, I eat brie every day.
I love brie.
You know I love brie.
What if I'm having
a miscarriage right now?
-No, you're not having
a miscarriage.
-Could this be a miscarriage?
-[Jimmy] You're not having--
I mean, I'm a week early.
-[Jimmy] Baby, baby.
-That's the thing.
I'm a week early, babe!
-You're not having
a miscarriage.
[Ellye] Are you a doctor? No.
So I could be having
a miscarriage.
-You are not
having a miscarriage.
You are fine.
-If you ate wheels.
[Sara] Let's go. Let's go.
I got you. Let's go.
-Brie has mold.
I need a Doppler.
I wanna hear
the baby's heartbeat.
I need to hear the baby's
heartbeat right now.
[Amy] What do we do?
We just-- we follow?
-[Jimmy] That's Sara.
-[Kevin] Who's Sara?
-[Jimmy] Sara's our midwife.
-[Sara] Okay. Ellye--
-I wanna hear
the baby's heartbeat right now.
[Sara] There's nothing wrong
with your baby.
-The only thing that's gonna
calm me down right now is
if I hear the baby's heartbeat
so I'm gonna need you to do
that for me right this second.
-Ellye--
-Okay?
You know what's so funny?
I've actually been doing
everything right.
I've been doing
everything right,
and he's been poisoning me
with brie!
-That I--
-Oh god. [grunts] Oh god.
Oh, it's happening.
-Okay. Twelve minutes.
Twelve minutes.
Good. That's good.
-I want to hear
my baby's heartbeat.
-Ellye. Ellye!
Remember your training.
Feel your body opening up--
-Okay
to let this baby out. Okay?
-Okay.
-The All-Mother inside you
already knows how to do this.
-Am I supposed to be
pushing right now?
Oh, god! [screaming]
[screaming] Oh, god!
-We're gonna miss it.
We're gonna miss it.
Come on.
-Oh, god!
-[Sara] Breathe, Ellye. Come on.
-[doorbell ringing]
-I'm gonna get the front door.
-Okay.
-[Sara] Welcome the pain.
Ride the pain.
-Hey! Oh, good.
-Has the baby happened?
-Not yet. Not yet.
-How's she doing?
-She's good. She's bold.
-Bitsy! Mommy's here.
[Ellye] Aaaahh!
-Ah.
Jimmy, what are you doing?
-Rubbing the nipples
releases oxytocin. Sara?
-Hi. You must be her mother.
-Keep going.
-I'm Sara, the midwife.
-[Ellye breathing heavily]
-You know what, uh...
Hi, sweetheart. Pardon me.
She likes Swedish massage.
Let me just...
-Hey, Ma. Oh, god.
-Yes. I'm here.
I'm here. I'm here.
I bought some Midol for you.
It's in my purse.
Gary, get me my purse!
-No, Mom. That's not
part of the birth plan.
Oh, my god!
-Angel, sshhh.
The whole neighborhood
can hear you.
-Ellye?
Take hold of your womanhood.
Okay? Use your power.
-Okay.
-[Jimmy] You can do this.
You can do this.
Let's go. Grab it.
-[moans]
-Get it.
-[moaning]
-Hi. Whoa!
-[Gary] I'll go-- go unpack now.
-[Kevin] Let's go. Let's go.
You okay?
-[Ellye moaning]
-[Jimmy] Yes, yes.
-[Sara] Just like we practiced.
[Ellye moans]
-[shrieks]
-[Jimmy laughs]
-All-Mother
is smiling with you.
-I'm so proud of you.
-[both moaning]
-I did it.
-[both laughing]
-[Sara] Very good, Ellye.
-I did it.
-Now you can hear.
[fetal heart beating]
-Hear that?
-Oh.
[Amy] Is that the heartbeat?
-There you are.
[Sara] Welcome to the birth
of Ellye and Jimmy's child.
My job is to make sure
one person's needs
are taken care of.
And that is Ellye.
Your job is to create
a calm space, a loving space,
where we all work together to--
-Hi.
-Gary. Hi.
-Hi, Bitsy.
-Hi.
I'm so glad you're here.
-Of course.
Mommy made me stop
to get some of
your favorite things.
I got your brie.
-Oh. Oh, she can't
actually eat that.
The brie.
-[Linda] Says who?
-Um, doctors and things.
It causes listeriosis, so--
-Throw it out.
-What?
[Amy] No. We don't
need to throw it out.
We will all eat the brie.
It's fine, Mom.
-Oh, we're gonna
have Bitsy watch us
eat her favorite food
and not have any?
No, no. I cannot
enjoy myself that way.
Throw it out.
-I'm not throwing it out.
-[Sara] As I was saying,
we all need to work together
to create a serene,
peaceful environment.
That means no fighting.
Nothing that's going to
disrupt the flow of this--
[Howard] Hello!
-Daddy!
-[both laughing]
-Oh, I can't believe...
-I got your favorites also.
[Howard] ...this gorgeous
creature came from me.
[Ellye] You're gorgeous.
-Hey, Jimmy.
-Good to see you.
-Jimmy. Kevin. Oh.
-Bud.
-Come on. Come on.
-Hi, Daddy. Hi.
-I'm Howard Evans.
Father. Grandfather.
As they say in Soweto,
Great Father.
It's-- it's a little
presumptuous,
but I don't know.
It's got a good ring to it.
You must be the midwife.
-I am.
-Well, it is an honor
to hold hands
that have brought life
into this world.
Although I have
brought clean water
to several villages in Uganda,
and there, as we know,
water is life, so.
-Mm.
-Yeah.
-Life. Yes.
-All right.
-As I was saying--
-Oh, and I-- I-- I'm sorry.
If I could just recite
a Bantu prayer for childbirth
that I came across
on a National Geographic shoot.
-Why not?
-All right.
"Gently. Smoothly.
Bless this child
and make him..."
wait, do we know the gender?
-No.
-No.
-"Bless this child and
make him or her live and grow.
"May his or her perspiration
be good.
"Make this child be rich,
"so that when we come to visit,
he or she can kill an ox for us.
"May this baby trample
on its enemies.
"May he or she drink water
wherever they go,
and let that water
make him or her... happy."
[Ellye] Thanks, Dad.
-As you were saying--?
-Thank you.
Obviously, some of you have
experienced birth firsthand.
But, for those of you
who haven't,
it is the most intense
experience
a woman will ever go through.
Now I'm sure you've seen movies
where women scream in pain.
But, the truth is,
a laboring woman sounds a lot
like a woman in the grip
of a full-body orgasm.
-Oh, please.
-Mom! You promised.
-Is it so strange?
The baby's head stimulates
the same parts of the vagina
that are stimulated in sex.
-The feeling I had
was definitely not orgasmic.
-Oh, that's not your fault.
Your generation
was the first to experience
the baby-industrial complex.
How could you get in touch
with an orgasmic birth
with your legs up in the air
and your lower body numbed
by an unnecessary epidural?
-This one was a breach.
This one tore
straight through me.
I had to have seven stitches.
Thank goodness
I was in a hospital.
-I had a kidney stone once.
It was-- it was only yay big,
but hurt like the devil.
-Well, on a practical level,
orgasms release
serotonin and oxytocin,
which are natural painkillers.
-Yes. And given my history,
I'll take the natural high,
thank you very much.
-Bitsy, we love you so much.
We are all here
to support your choices.
But could you maybe like
give us a little heads up
when you're gonna, you know,
do that part?
-And I think on that note,
how much of the "down there"
do you want me to film?
-Well--
-Excuse me?
-Oh, Daddy's
gonna film the birth.
-[whispers]
Do you really want your father
to film your girly parts?
-I wiped her off down there
when she was a baby.
-Hardly.
-I'm going to be focused
on getting this baby out
and I want to relive this moment
with my child
so they know how hard I worked
to bring them into the world.
-No child
should ever see that.
-Sweetheart,
I can be on your face
and I pan down when
the baby comes out.
-No, no, no, no.
I want to see the head
coming out of me.
-Oh.
-Oh, speaking of,
I need to borrow Amy.
Come on, Aims.
-Wait, speaking of what?
-Uh, have fun.
-Okay,
just please, please,
please do not break
your water right now. Okay?
-[laughs]
-No, don't...
-You're the best.
-I'm not kidding.
I wouldn't be able to handle it.
-Stop. I'm gonna pee.
-No, that's worse.
I think. I don't even know.
So, what is with this whole
orgasmic birth thing?
-[sighs]
I want the drugs, trust me.
But I made a promise to myself
and my baby to stay clean.
So if an orgasm
can dull the pain,
I'm gonna rub this one
all the way out.
-I don't know.
I've never heard
any of my friends say, like,
"Oh yeah, I got off
during my delivery."
-That buzzer's actually
starting to feel pretty good,
if I do say so.
-Bitsy!
-I feel like I should be
holding your face
in my hands, like,
-No, do not touch me.
-"Come on, baby."
-That's so gross. Stop it.
-[laughs]
[Kevin] Oh, cheese board. Yum.
What do you think they're doing?
-I don't know.
But whatever it is, it's bound
to be hashtag-blessed.
-What's that mean?
-She's on this kick where
she writes hashtag-blessed
after every post,
so it's like, uh...
"Sunset in Malibu:
Hashtag-blessed."
-Oh, okay.
-Um, "Honey lavender ice cream:
Hashtag-blessed."
-Sure.
-"Just took
the biggest dump of my life:
Hashtag-blessed."
-Oh, that's a bit much.
[phone dings]
-What's haps?
-Huh?
-What is going on?
-Nothing, it's just
the baby's gonna come
when the baby's gonna come.
But you think it cares
that tomorrow's the Emmys?
-Yeah. You take the--
you do the television Emmys?
You work that?
-Are you serious? Yeah.
It's the biggest night
of the year for me.
I got all 20 limos out,
including the Pimpmobile.
-Are you telling me right now
that you drive
celebrities around?
-Oh, I don't want to
rush you but we've got like,
five minutes till
the next contraction, so.
-I'm sorry, there's--
there's a lot.
-Oh, come on,
stop acting like
you've never seen
a vagina before.
-I've never had eye contact
with one before.
-Hello. [laughs]
-[Amy] Stop it. [chuckles]
[Jimmy] Two weeks ago,
I drove Machine Gun Kelly
to Bed Bath and Beyond.
I drove, uh, Nicki Minaj
to the DMV.
-[laughs]
-I drove Beyonc to Taco Bell.
-Okay. I'm gonna
ask you a question
and I need you to
answer it straight up.
-You got it.
-Crunch wrap
or no crunch wrap?
-Burrito Supreme.
-Shut the-- OG Supreme?
-Yeah. The classic.
-Shoot.
-Wait, wait, wait.
Beyonc?
-Yeah.
-Oh, I love
that "Bootylicious."
-Who doesn't love
the "Bootylicious," Gary?
-She can
jelly my donut anytime.
-Okay. [laughs]
-[electric razor whirring]
-And what about, um, names?
-Yeah. We have a boy name.
And then we have
two names for girls.
I just, I feel like I need to
meet them first, you know,
and like get a vibe.
-Okay. Well, if you wanted
some suggestions, you know,
I really like, uh, Clitora.
-What?
-Or, um, Vulveeta.
-[Ellye] [laughs] Stop it.
-Or, I don't know,
Labiana?
-Labiana?!
-[Amy] That's pretty.
-That's actually really good.
Labiana Fergus, that sounds
so regal, like an actress.
-Labiana Ferguson,
you go to your room.
-Get your butt over here, Labi.
[phone pings]
-What do you think of that?
-That's--
-Too much, right?
-Wait, that's posted publicly?
-Yeah, this is--
this is online right now.
-Why?
-She's ready for her close-up,
Mr. DeMille.
Ready for it.
Plus, tomorrow's
also the deadline
for my fantasy football draft.
-Oh.
-Yeah.
Do you play?
You, you in a league?
-Me? I'm not currently.
Have been. Will again.
-You should join mine.
-[whispers] Sign me up.
-Yeah?
-I'm ready for it.
-It's done.
-Okay.
-You're in.
I traded three rounds
for Saquon Barkley.
-Oh, that's such a good call,
because he's so fast.
-[electric razor whirring]
-Oh. [exhaling in pain]
-[Ellye] Amy! What the heck?
-[Amy] Sorry.
Just-- just breathe.
-Oh, my god.
She's bleeding.
-Mom.
Yeah, sorry, that's my bad.
-Ellye, Ellye. Oh, gosh.
Ellye, you-- you need anything?
-[Linda] No.
-[Gary] Band-Aid?
-Why don't you go
and swim some laps?
-[straining]
-No, no, no, no.
It's not time to push yet.
-Ah, sex that poop!
This baby is coming right now.
-You okay, baby?
[Sara] No. The baby's
not fully descended.
Amy, rub her nipples.
-Oh no, no, no, no.
-Grow up, Amy!
-Rub 'em.
[Howard] I'm so happy to see
you two working together.
-Dad!
-I need to be here.
-Baby. Baby.
-Yeah.
-Mwah.
-Fuck it. Just the nipples.
Just the nipples.
No. That's tearing me apart!
-I've got the tub.
The tub. The tub.
-Oohhhhh.
-Move!
-Do you need help?
[Sara] Ellye. Ellye.
Grab hold of your womanhood.
-Nuh-uh.
No, it hurts too bad.
[Sara] Amy, go run a bath.
-Oh, yeah.
-Wait!
I haven't cleaned it out yet.
-I have housekeepers, Mom!
-But you knew I was coming.
-Oh, god!
Get the fudge out of my way.
-Come on, darling.
-[Ellye] Don't touch me, Mom!
-Okay, I'm sorry.
-[Ellye] Mom!
[Sara] Ellye, you're fine.
Just remember your breathing.
Remember your breathing, okay?
You've done this.
[overlapping chattering]
-You're kidding, right?
-[Sara] Okay?
-And cut.
[water splashing]
-Um...
I-- I just feel like
we got off to a bad start.
All this orgasmic delivery
business,
it just, it feels like
one of Bitsy's fads.
You know, like
the raw food Christmas
she made us go through.
-[breathing deeply]
-[Linda chuckles]
It's not like you're
gonna do a rain dance
to make her water break.
[laughs] Right?
It's just that you...
you hear about babies dying
from simple complications
because the mother
insisted on a home birth.
It's just like Bitsy
to make things difficult.
She always has to
make it difficult.
She's like her father that way.
I just really hope...
that you explained to her
what a real delivery is like,
because Lord knows
she won't listen to me.
[Howard]
Not for lack of trying.
-Oh, man.
-Hasn't it been a while
since her last contraction?
-This happens
with first-time mothers.
Contractions are scary and fear
inhibits the release of relaxin,
which helps open up the pelvis.
-Well, what happens
if labor stops?
-We wait.
There is no rush.
Her baby will come
when it's ready.
-I am having this baby today.
Okay?
Sara?
-[Sara] Hm?
-Isn't there anything that
we can do to speed things up?
-I always suggest sex.
You get contraction
from an orgasm
and semen has prostaglandins,
which ripen the cervix.
-Do you hear that?
-Love puts it in,
love gets it out.
-Jimmy!
It's showtime, babe.
-Jimmy?
-[Jimmy] Huh?
-You make sure you give her
a good strong orgasm, okay?
-[Linda gasps]
-Damn straight.
-Come on, baby.
-I'm coming.
I'm coming. Ssshhh.
Linda.
-What are you doing?
-You better grab a seat,
get nice and cozy,
'cause Daddy about to sex
your daughter real good.
-You're so stupid.
Come on. Let's go.
Oh. Let's go. Yes.
-You like that?
-Oh, it feels so good.
Oh, my god. [moans]
I love you.
I love you so much.
Oh, baby. Yeah.
-Baby, isn't the baby's
head right, like,
right there?
-Yeah.
-What is the soft spot
called again?
-The, uh, the fontanelle.
-I don't know.
What if he pokes that?
-Oh.
-[Ellye] Oh, my god. Yeah.
-I would feel awful
if I lobotomized my baby
with my dick.
-[Amy chuckles]
-[Ellye and Jimmy moaning]
-No. No.
-[Jimmy] Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.
-[clapping]
-[chuckles] Come on.
-[clapping]
-What'd I miss?
[crickets chirping]
[phone beeps]
[message dings]
-Hey, Jimmy.
-Hey.
-Is now a good time?
-Ah, yeah.
-Fine.
-Yeah.
-Ah...
[sighs]
Hey.
-Hey.
-I'm glad
that you and Ellye
had that moment to--
to... connect.
-I, uh, I'm sorry
you heard that.
-You know, I don't know
if you heard
that might be the last time
for a while.
Yeah. At least a month.
-Yeah?
-Longer if she tears.
-Okay.
-Oh, oh, oh, oh.
When we had the girls,
we went to Lamaze,
did the breathing,
but nothing prepared us
for what it would be like
once that baby came out.
I just want to impart
some hard wisdom
that I learned from
mistakes that I made.
-Thank you.
-Uh, we both know, like,
sex is not just sex, right?
It's the connection.
It's the intimacy.
She's going to be getting
all that soon from the baby.
The last thing she's going to be
wanting to think about is,
uh, [mumbles] down there.
-Mm-hm. In this area.
-The good news--
most women say that
watching a man
be a good father,
that is the most powerful
aphrodisiac there is.
I missed out on all that.
Being on shoots and whatever.
-Oh, don't you--
-So don't you do that.
-I won't. I promise.
-Now, let's talk about
your self-care.
-We don't have to.
-Your release, uh...
-We don't...
-Fortunately,
there's the internet.
You don't need
some secret stash of...
-We're doing it. Okay.
-...of magazines and videos.
And you know, Ellye shouldn't
have a problem with that.
I mean, come on.
She stayed at my place.
She watched the videos.
Yeah. I know that for a fact,
because she never rewound them
to the right spot. Right?
-[sighs deeply]
-I just wanted to tell you
I am here for you.
-Thank you.
-Man to man.
-Man to man.
-Father to father.
As they say in Swahili,
baba to baba.
-Yeah. You went Swahili
on me. [laughs]
-Come here.
-Look at that.
You okay? You okay?
-Yeah.
[door opens, closes]
-What the fuck was that?
[Sara] Still only
three centimeters,
and it's been 50 minutes
since your last contraction.
So, I'm gonna take off.
-What do you mean,
you're gonna take off?
-If your contractions
start up again,
I'm only 20 minutes away.
-No. I really don't think
it's a good idea.
I think you need to stay here
because I mean,
it could change at any second.
-Ellye? Ellye.
It's all perfectly normal. Okay?
The All-Mother inside you knows
when this baby's
supposed to be here,
and we can't rush her. Okay?
Now just try to relax.
Enjoy your family.
I'll be back.
[crickets chirping]
-Ugh, I want food.
-We are eating soon, right?
-Yes. I want it in my body.
-I'm worried
we're gonna have to cook.
I don't know.
-No.
-'Cause my stomach is mining
itself for trace nutrients.
-[scoffs]
-What's that?
-[reading]
"Stolen from Martha Evans."
Who is that?
Oh, your grandma?
-Towards the end,
when she was getting sick,
she thought that everyone
was stealing from her,
so she wrote
"Stolen from Martha Evans"
on the bottom of
everything she owned.
-Salty.
Your mom stole it?
[Amy] Mm-hm. Oh, hey.
-Hey.
-I don't remember,
uh, seeing this
when we were
cleaning out the garage.
-Oh, she must have
given that to Ellye
before she passed.
-What teenager wants a vase?
-[scoffs] Your father
wanted to give away
all of his mother's things
to one of his
godforsaken charities.
The only reason
you two have anything...
-[doorbell rings]
-...is because Gary
went to the house
and brought everything
back to our garage.
You're welcome.
-[doorbell rings]
[door closes]
-Hey, here's your, uh--
-Where are you going?
-Well, Ellye's body
is taking a break.
Maybe the rest of you
should as well.
-[man] Uh...
-Watch a movie,
and try to enjoy
each other's company.
-Oh, so that's it?
You're just clocking out now?
[Sara] Linda...
My job is to help her
focus on the job of labor.
-I'll just put this down here.
-Your job is to support her.
Instead, you've been layering on
more and more stress.
-Oh, excuse me.
So now I'm to blame?
-If I were you,
I would be thankful
that Ellye wanted the woman
who brought her into the world
to share this.
She doesn't need
any of you here.
-Oh.
-Try to remember that. Okay?
-[man] Have a good night.
-Oh, god.
-I can just put these
down anywhere.
It's not a big deal.
-Gary, tip this guy.
-It's included.
-Indeed it is. Have a good
night, sir. Thank you.
[door closes]
-[giggling]
-[Ellye stomping]
-Mom, what is so funny
about Ellye stopping labor?
-There's nothing funny.
[reading]
"Poor baby stopped labor.
Lots of love."
-No, Mom.
LOL means laugh out loud.
-Mom!
What the fudge is this?
-God. Oh, god.
I don't know how to do this.
Oh, my god.
How do I get out of here now?
How do I get rid of it?
Will you stop walking
back and forth?
You're gonna-- you're gonna
trip and have a miscarriage.
[Amy and Ellye] Mom!
-All right, everybody,
who wants to see
some home movies?
-I do. I do.
-Oh, yes!
-Got lots of
good memories here.
-Oh, that's because
you only took the camera out
for holidays and birthdays.
-Look, we don't
have to watch this.
[Amy] No. Yes, Daddy. We do.
Let's do it. Come on.
-Let's go. Let's go watch.
-Ellye, let's go. Mom.
-Delete that.
-I don't know how.
Oh, god.
[Linda] Oh, look at that, Amy.
-[Amy] I'm very studious.
-[Kevin] That's so cute.
[Howard] I always made you read.
-[gasps] Oh, my--
that's my Missis Bixby!
-No, that's my Missis Bixby.
-Uh, no. It is not.
That's my Missis Bixby and see?
That's the dress
that Mom made for it.
-Your sister's right.
I remember making that dress.
-Yes. You made that dress
when I went away to summer camp
because you thought
when I came back,
if the doll looked different,
I wouldn't think it was mine.
-You had outgrown that doll.
-It was still my doll.
-Are you kidding me?
Missis Bixby was a hand-me-down?
-[Amy] Yes!
-Mom!
-Girls. Girls.
-That is savage.
I loved that doll.
-Oh, my god.
[Howard] Hey, girls,
there's your Grandpa Evans.
[all] Aw.
-He was such a good man.
-He was so sweet.
-Yeah.
[Amy] What?
[Linda] Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stop it! Stop it!
-[Amy] Mom?
-Stop it! Stop it!
-[Jimmy] Don't stop it.
-[Jimmy] God.
-[Amy] Mom!
-[Howard laughs]
-[Ellye] Dad, you are so...
-[Amy] Mom!
-[Ellye] Mom!
-I assume we're all getting
a copy of this for Christmas?
[Linda] Seriously!
-[Amy] That is my mother.
-[Jimmy] Your mom's fine.
-I will take the crack for you.
You have been dealing
with my family.
I will sleep against the wall.
-Oh, that's an unfair trade.
That's a Pilgrim-style trade.
-[Amy chuckles]
[Jimmy] Kevin.
-Hm?
-It's time.
-Time?
-Hot tub time.
It's hot tub time.
-Oh my god. That sounds
so delightful but I can't.
-Yes, you can.
-No.
-[whispering]
Ask him about the name.
-I-- I can't
'cause I don't--
I don't have my swim trunks.
Don't have my gear.
I want to.
-All right, don't trip.
I'll let you borrow
a pair of mine.
[Kevin] Oh.
-Yeah, I got you.
-I never trip but, uh--
[mouths] Fuck.
-Have fun.
-Boiling water
and a shredded penis.
-[Jimmy] Get in the water.
-[Kevin] Oh, I'm getting in.
-Do it.
-I'm gonna do it.
-Here we go.
-I'm gonna...
-Yes. Yes!
-Haaaaaahhhh!
Oh, yes. It feels so good.
-Yeah, it does.
-It feels so soothing.
Oh, I'm grateful
for this-- this time.
-Man, I'm glad
you are here with me.
Can I get something
off my chest?
-I would-- I would be sad
if you didn't.
-Fuck. Shit. Ass. Dick.
-Uh-huh.
-Pussy. Fucker.
Motherfucker.
Shit ass plot. [laughs]
-That felt good for me, too.
-Feels good.
That's much better.
-[moans]
-I gotta be honest.
I don't know what Ellye's
more stressed out about,
you coming
or the baby coming.
-Uh, sure.
-And when I say you,
I don't-- I don't mean you you.
I mean--
-Oh, no. I know. Me.
I've been dealing with
all this for seven years, man.
It's tense.
-What the fuck
is up with this china?
-The china.
-Why don't you guys
take the china?
-I'm not gonna take the china.
-Please take the china.
-I will not take the china.
-I want to give you the china.
-I want to push the china
back in your face
and let you guys
deal with that shit.
I actually think
if Linda wasn't around,
the girls would be
better friends.
-Fat chance on that
now that she's moving here.
-Whoa.
-I didn't say that.
You didn't hear me.
Look, do me a favor.
Do not tell Amy.
-Come on.
-I know.
-I do have to tell her.
You know this.
-Yeah.
Well, I wasn't planning on
having sex anytime soon
due to the birth
of my child, so.
-We're good.
-You got some names picked out?
-Don't do that.
-[snickers]
-[laughs]
Fuckin' A. What the fuck.
-It's so obvious.
She made me ask.
-I know she did.
I can't tell you.
-She wants to know so bad.
-I want to tell you,
but I fucking can't tell you.
And she's just so afraid
somebody's gonna criticize
the baby's name or steal it.
-Oh, really?
She's worried about that shit?
-She's worried.
I'm not worried about that shit.
-Well, I couldn't find
my bathing suit on the 'Bago
but we're all family here,
right?
-Sure.
-Oh.
-That's twice in one day.
-I'm sorry.
-[Kevin groans]
-You okay?
-Yeah, I'm okay.
And while you're down there,
do you want to...?
-Ha-ha-ha. Very funny.
-I'm just looking
for a joke somewhere.
-Okay. Oh. Oof. Okay, so?
-Oh, yes. Okay.
So yes, they have picked
some names out.
But Jimmy said Ellye
doesn't want to share them
because she's worried people
will criticize or steal them.
-She's worried
someone will steal it?
-[gasps] Yes.
-I'm sorry. I am sorry.
-I know. And there's
one more thing, um...
-Yeah?
-...that I need to
share with you.
It's that your mom and Gary
are gonna move here.
Watch it, please.
-What?
-[Kevin] Ginger, I know.
-Goddamn.
-It's bullshit.
-You know they would
never do that for us.
-Of course not.
-[Amy] Oh, no.
Only for Bitsy.
Bitsy's the baby. God-- mother--
-Oh, you gonna go now?
Okay. Um, I got this.
[tense music playing]
[knocks on door]
-My glaucoma is
really acting up.
Thank you.
I'm sorry that Mom freaked out
about the movie.
[lighter clicks]
-[chuckles] I'm so used
to playing the villain by now.
-Well, I loved seeing
the old house.
-Yeah.
-And my old room.
-I know.
-Dad.
-I'm so glad somebody's
got some good memories.
Gosh, you are a tangle of knots.
-I wonder why.
-You cannot keep
this stuff bottled up.
-I know. But come on,
if I tell her,
she's gonna make it
all about her.
That's what she always does.
Where do you think
Bitsy gets it from?
-You know, the Yoruba tribe
had this expression:
"Keeping silent
is an attribute of the dead."
[clicks tongue]
Might be the Kikuyu tribe.
-I can't get that image
out of my brain.
-I know.
And if I'd known
that that was laying around,
I would have--
I would have gotten it
in the divorce and--
and I would have burned it.
I absolutely
would not want to know
what you were doing
before we were together.
For real.
-Who can remember?
-[laughs]
-I think I had sex
in an airplane bathroom once.
-I hope it was first class.
-Coach.
Impossible to maneuver.
-I wish
I had met you first...
You know...
you had a similar view,
but many more times than Howard.
-How about an instant replay?
-[laughs]
-Hi.
-[Amy] Hi.
What are you working on?
-Uh,
a fantasy football thing.
Jimmy asked me to--
what are you working on,
little sauce packet?
What's happening?
-You don't like football.
-I know. But he loves it.
I need something
to talk to him about
when we come here
every fucking holiday.
This house. That painting.
-Oh.
-This is our Thanksgiving
from now on, baby.
-Well, I've been thinking
that this has been
so hard on you.
Um, how about if
I go hard on you? Hm?
-Lemme just--
lemme just...
let me try to get this right.
-[giggles]
-You're offering
to go hard on me.
-Mm-hm. With all this.
-Wait, all-- with this?
-I mean, this.
-These jammies?
-This.
This.
-These Tar-jay jammies?
-Oh, my Tar-jay jammies, yeah.
-I want to tear 'em apart,
but Dr. Tamblyn told me
I can't do any vigorous
or strenuous exercise
because I'll will tear open
my ball stitches.
-Ohhh.
-And you know I bring
the vigor and strain when I...
-You really do.
-...when I bring anything.
-[giggles]
[Amy moaning]
-[Linda grunting]
-Oh, poor Ellye.
-Oh, god.
-[Linda moaning]
-Oh, god.
-What?
-[Linda] Don't stop.
-That's not Ellye.
-Stop that.
-Oh, god.
-They should stop doing that.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-They should stop do--
you should stop doing that.
-No, no, no, no, no.
-Ugh. Jimmy!
-[Jimmy] Yeah.
-Can I get a fresh roll?
-[Linda moaning]
-Is that Amy?
-[Linda and Gary moaning]
-Your mom.
You guys kind of sound alike.
-Get out of here.
[door closes]
-It's like I'm 12
all over again.
They used to do this
all the time
when they first started dating.
They didn't even wait
until I fell asleep.
-That's terrible.
-Yes.
-I think we're
the only people in this house
not having sex.
-Well, and my dad.
[Russian porn dialogs]
[Howard] No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No.
Oh, this stupid buffering.
-[snoring]
-[snoring]
-[owl hooting]
-[dog barking]
-Ugh.
["Somebody New"
by Broken Bellows playing]
-Wow. [laughs] Great.
-Hi. Good morning.
-Good morning.
-Hi.
-Ooh. Did someone make bacon?
-You mean,
aside from Mom and Gary?
-Deee-ammn!
-So gross.
-You two can
sneak off anytime.
Your eggs aren't going to
last forever, you know.
-Hey, you want
some pancakes?
-Yes. So... any progress?
-Mm. Baby kicked a lot.
-Oh, damn.
-[into phone] No, no, no,
I get that there's a problem
but I just don't understand
how it's my problem.
-[Howard groaning]
Well! Today's the big day, huh?
-[blows raspberry]
-I hope everybody slept well.
-You know, some less
than others actually.
Right, Mom?
-[laughs]
-All right now.
-Mm.
-Let's bow our heads
in prayer.
-Yeah.
-Okay? Here we go, y'all.
Grace time.
Father, God,
who art in heaven,
we are so blessed to have
our family here together
to celebrate this blessed event.
Thank you so much
for keeping us strong
on this path of sobriety
all these months.
-Ten months
and counting, baby.
-Ten months.
One day at a time.
I know we ask for a lot
and we are very grateful,
but if you could just give
our baby a little push...
-[Amy chuckles]
-There are seven individuals
right here at this table
who are eager to meet
him or her.
And with that,
we praise your name. Amen.
-Amen.
-[exhales]
So beautiful, baby.
Looks great.
-Mm. Smells so good.
-Oh. [groans]
[Ellye groaning]
Oh, sorry.
I'm just... I'm just gassy.
-So, Gary,
how's the remodel going?
-[groans] Oh, you know,
it is what it is.
Ugh, I'll tell you
one thing, though,
the guy we bought
that house from at Yahoo,
he screwed it up but good.
He-- he used interior caulk
for exterior pipes.
I had to run all of the caulk
out of the house.
I called the insurance company.
They went right to
the sewer line.
And-- and it was caulk
coming out everywhere.
-Call-ck.
-What?
-Call-ck. Call-ck.
-[Gary] That's what I said.
Anyway, I-- I-- I had to
pull out all of the caulk
and install all new cock-eyed
caulk coming out of my ears.
-God.
-That is such a shame, Gary.
No, that is a shame.
That's awful.
-It is.
-And that's really tough,
honestly.
-I mean, you have to put
all that money in.
You-- you got to do the work.
I mean, it's your dream house.
You guys are gonna live there
for the rest of your lives.
-[whispers] Baby.
-Oh, I don't know.
Priorities shift.
-Clearly.
You don't even have a house.
-That is not true.
-[laughs]
-Like the turtle or the snail,
I live in my home.
And if I want to be
closer to my kids,
I just gas up the 'Bago and...
-We're so happy
you're here, Daddy.
-Thank you.
-Who wants a mimosa? Hm?
I can't be the only one here
who wants a goddamn drink.
-[Ellye] Mom.
-What?
-You can't drink
in my house. I mean...
-[chuckles] Okay, fine.
We'll serve it poolside.
Come on. Cheers.
[cork pops]
[indistinct chattering]
- ...okay? We're gonna--
we're gonna [indistinct] this.
And you're gonna talk to them.
I'm not gonna say--
-Hi. Um, just,
how long do you guys,
uh, want us to wait around
for things to, you know, happen?
-Don't tell me
you're thinking of leaving?
What if you're on a plane
and Bitsy goes into labor?
Why don't you take
a vacation week?
-No, we can't actually.
They're all accounted for.
-I didn't travel
until you girls were teens.
It must be great not to have
kids to cramp your style.
-I'm curious, Mom.
Would you, um, ask Bitsy
to miss a photoshoot
for my delivery?
-Oh, come on.
It's not the same thing.
-No, of course.
It's not the same,
which is why you guys
are moving here
so you can help out
your widdle baby
and your grandbabykins.
-Bitsy is going to need
all the help she can get
with childcare.
When she went into rehab,
she lost a lot of contracts.
And now, she has to
reenter the world
and reclaim herself
as a supermodel.
-She's not a supermodel.
She's a supersized model.
-Amy, that's a terrible
thing to say.
You're better than that.
-She can be
when she wants to be.
[chuckles] Okay.
If nothing's happening
by tomorrow, you can leave.
-I wasn't asking
for permission.
-Uh...
-Hm. God.
[doorbell rings]
[Calliope] No, no, no.
Stop, stop.
No, no. Stop, stop. Don't--
-Hi.
-Hi.
Oh, my god.
You are the one who shaved
Ellye's vajayjay.
-Oh, yeah. That's me.
-Hi. I brought cupcakes.
-Hi.
-Whuzzup, slut?
-[Calliope] Hi.
-Oh, my god.
What are you doing here?
I didn't know
you were gonna come.
Oh, my god.
Hello, little one.
Oh, my god. He's so cute.
He's so big.
-I know. He's a giant.
-Amy, isn't he so sweet?
Hello.
-Do you wanna hold him?
-Oh, no.
-So I don't want to take up
too much of your time.
He's teething,
he's a total savage,
and all he wants are titties.
-Give him the titties.
-Yeah?
-Yes, nurse him here.
Let's go. Ah, yeah.
There's a glider
in the baby room.
It'll be, it's--
it's perfect.
Jimmy. Jimmy,
we need some water.
Please. There's a nursing woman
in the house.
-I know.
-[baby] Da-da.
-Da-da.
-I'm Mama, okay?
Stop being so rude.
-[giggles]
-I'm just gonna,
if it's okay with you,
just take a little nap,
and like, once I fall asleep,
just put a pillow over my head
and take me out
of my misery, okay?
[Ellye] [over baby monitor]
Okay.
[Calliope] Oh, my god.
And like when he finishes?
I'm so dehydrated that my tits,
they just look like
little sad raisins.
-It's a show.
-[Ellye] Oh, no.
-We're listening to this?
-Yeah.
[Ellye]
Oh, don't worry about it.
Ronny will buy you new ones.
- [Calliope] Oh, right.
Fuck yeah, he will.
I put it in the prenup.
-Oh, good girl.
That's my girl.
-So have you thought about like,
maybe getting induced?
I know it's a bad word. I know.
-No. I sleepwalked
through my 20s, Callie.
I barely remember them.
For this, I... I really
want to be present.
I just want to feel everything.
-Oh, that is so sweet.
And just like super wrong.
It hurts so bad, girl.
-Okay. Okay.
-I know I'm supposed to
only say nice things, right?
-Yeah, you're supposed to
tell me I can do it.
-You can do it.
-It's gonna be great.
-You're gonna be great.
It's gonna be amazing.
And you need no drugs.
You just need orgasms.
And speaking of which,
have you heard of
a Sybian machine?
-No.
-It's like,
it's like a vibrator.
But it's got this thing
in the center.
You straddle it
like a bucking bronco
or more like a fucking bronco.
-No.
-Yeah.
-I don't know.
Jimmy and I tried sex
and it didn't really
do anything.
-No offense to Jimmy,
but what man can compete
with a vibrator?
-This guy. This guy.
-I can compete,
and I win against vibrators.
-So how is it
having everybody here?
Your sister?
-[gasps] It's me.
-[Calliope] She seems nice.
-[Ellye] Yeah.
[Calliope]
Like what's her deal?
Does she not want kids?
-She doesn't really
talk about it.
-[Calliope] Yeah.
-I--I think she wants kids.
-I mean, she looked at me
like I was like
the evil wicked witch
when I asked her if she
wanted to hold him, right?
I mean, like what--
-[Ellye] That was weird.
-person doesn't
want to hold a cute baby?
-[Ellye] I know.
-[Kevin] Okay, let's just--
[Ellye] I can't really get
a read on her, honestly.
She definitely does not
have a maternal vibe.
[Calliope] Yeah.
[Ellye] You know, maybe
she'll be a really good aunt.
She can just swoop in,
spoil the crap out of him,
and then peace--
-All right.
-No.
-No, I'm just gonna turn it off.
-Hon.
-Babe. We're gonna tell them.
-No, because
she's gonna think
that we're trying
to upstage her.
Please don't. Please.
-Upstage?
-Shit. Damn it.
Shit.
-Hey, Linda.
I think it's time
we have a talk.
-[water splashes]
-[Linda] Oh!
-[mumbling under water]
-What's happening?
What's he doing?
What--what's wrong?
[Gary] I think he's drowning.
[Linda] What?
[Jimmy] Yeah.
-He's saying something.
-[mumbling under water]
[Linda] Wait a second.
-I might have to call you back.
-He just did something
really rude under there.
Okay, hold on.
-[mumbling under water]
-Hey, are you two fighting?
-It's nothing.
Don't worry about it.
-Well, worrying
is what a mother does.
Well, you'd find out
if you had kids.
-Well, I can't.
-What do you mean you can't?
-She can't get pregnant.
-How do you know?
-Linda, she told me
because she knew
I would listen
and not try to fix it.
-That's you in a nutshell.
-Yeah, that is me
in a nutshell.
-Um, I'm sorry.
I thought that I could do this,
but I can't.
-Wh... what's going on?
-Bits, um, I love you.
And I really, I want to
be here for you.
But, uh, I just can't
even look at you
without feeling like
a failure, so, um...
-Trust me,
it looks really glamorous,
but you wouldn't
want to be a model.
-Sweetie, your sister
can't get pregnant.
-I don't see
how you could get pregnant
with your husband on the road--
-Don't you talk about Kevin.
You don't get to do that.
Don't you dare.
He has jerked off into cups
and he got his blood drawn
and he took out a second
mortgage on the house
all because I wanted
to have a baby, myself, in me...
but...
I... I can't.
I've, um... I've had
seven miscarriages.
-Oh.
-Yeah, seven.
And um, each time,
I would feel so hopeful,
you know, and--and
then it was just...
it was just over and I felt
so broken and betrayed
by my body and--and--
and uncomfortable in my skin
and it got to a point where
I didn't even want him
to touch me
and I said to him that i--i--
if he wanted to get a divorce,
I would totally understand it,
and do you know what he did?
Do you know?
[door sliding]
Do you know
what this good man did?
He got a vasectomy
because he said
that he didn't want to have kids
if it wasn't with me.
So you don't get to
talk about him.
Are you okay?
-Hey... hey.
[Amy cries]
-I'm--
I'm just gonna go.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-I'll call you.
-Yeah.
[distant dog barking]
[Amy] Hm?
-Hi.
-Hi.
-I'm so sorry.
I just, I had no idea.
-I know.
-Why didn't you tell me?
-I just, um, I didn't
want it to be true.
-God.
-Yeah.
-Do you want to see your niece?
-What?
Who is that?
-It's our baby.
-No.
-Yeah.
-You're adopting?
-[Amy] We are.
-Oh, my god. Amy!
Oh, my god...
I'm gonna be an auntie.
Kevin. Do they know?
Do they know?
-No. No one knows.
-Everybody, get in here!
-They're gonna know it now.
-Mm-hm. They're gonna know.
-Kevin and Amy are adopting!
-[Linda] What?
-[Jimmy] What?!
-[Ellye] Yes!
-[Howard] Hey!
-Come on.
-[Howard] Hey.
-Come on.
Gotta get it done somehow.
-I'd do it.
-Yeah. It's actually,
um, why we couldn't stay
the whole week because we're,
um, banking our vacation days
because in India--
-India?
-Yeah.
Even after you get the baby,
you have to stay
for a couple of weeks.
-India?!
-[Amy] Yeah.
[Ellye]
You are gonna love India.
Oh, my god.
Okay, you have to go
to the Taj Mahal.
That's a given. And then--
oh, there's this
great place to stay,
the Leela Palace Udaipur.
They have tons of weddings
there, so crash one.
Remember Nick
and Priyanka's wedding?
-Babe. Babe. Babe.
-Bits, it's not
that kind of trip.
-Howard!
We're gonna be double Pop Pop.
-Yeah!
[laughter]
-I love you, kid.
-Pop Pop Pop Pop.
-From the moment I met you,
like you were mine,
but--I mean, you never
called me Dad
but I never minded.
[Linda] She looks like you.
She's so sweet.
-[whispers] I gotta talk to you.
-Be right back.
[Amy] She's so cute.
-[Ellye] What's going on?
-Okay. You know I love you.
-[chuckles] Just--
just tell me.
-You mean everything to me.
-Mm-hm.
-I gotta go into work
and drive Guy Fieri.
-[scoffs]
Are you kidding me?
-No, I'm not kidding you.
And I don't want to do it,
but it's--
-Then don't.
-Hector broke his wrist
and Big John went
to the game last night
and I told him not to eat
the fudging street dogs
and that muffin-farming,
cork-sucking--
-I really need you here.
-I can't.
-With me, okay?
I'm literally having
our baby right now.
Do you understand that?
-Well...
But are you right now...
doing it, like, right now?
We're not in a labor pattern
right now.
It's kind of like
we pushed pause--
-This is fucking great.
-Baby ears.
[Kevin] [into phone]
Messina.
That's M-E-S-S-I-N-A.
Yeah, I understand
about the fee.
But we do want to switch
the tickets to today, please.
-You're--
you're not leaving today.
-I'm so sorry, Ellye.
I have a trade show
that I have to prep for.
We'll be back in a week.
If the baby comes sooner,
Amy'll take an earlier flight.
[into phone] Okay,
is that LA or Denver?
Yes, we will take those two.
Can I use miles
for any of that, please?
-[doorbell rings]
[Kevin] [into phone]
Oh, that's great.
All right.
Yeah, I'll hold.
-Oh, hi.
Everyone, Sara's here.
The midwife, she's back.
-How's our hot mama doing?
-Good. Good.
Come in. Come in.
-Well, you're five centimeters
and completely effaced.
The baby's in position.
Everything seems ready.
-Uh, that looks like
more than a little blood.
-It's okay.
We call it bloody show.
-[laughs] Hey, baby.
It's a great name
for a metal band, right?
-That means
that I'm gonna go into labor
soon though, right?
-In the next few hours.
Typically.
-How many hours
are we talking here?
-We won't know until
her contractions start up again.
-See, babe?
Nothing to worry about.
Got all the time in the world.
All you do is you... mwah...
you stay here [kisses]
looking as lovely as you do,
and just keep listening
to your body.
Keep listening.
-Isn't there anything
that you can do?
-Well, Ellye,
you can go to a hospital
and get started on Pitocin
if it's that important to you.
But, in your baby plan,
you said you wanted
a natural,
stress-free delivery.
-Yeah, this has been
incredibly relaxing.
-How about I go make you
some Ashwagandha tea?
[Amy] She's gonna be
your grandbaby, too.
[Gary] Don't worry about it.
We can split our time
between the two of you.
It's gotta be
cheaper in Denver
and Ellye and Jimmy can
certainly afford a nanny.
Kevin's on the road.
[continues indistinctly]
[lively music plays]
[vibrator whirrs]
-Didn't Becky and Jonah's
son adopt?
-Uh-huh.
-Sweet kids. Smart, too.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah, but it took them years.
[vibrator whirring]
-Found out that you can
speed things up
if you're willing to take
a child
with a medical condition,
and since we have
really good insurance,
we decided to do that.
-Wh--wh--what
kind of medical condition?
[vibrator whirring]
-Born with extra fingers.
-Born with not enough fingers.
-Born without a hand.
-Webbed fingers.
-[vibrator whirring]
-[moaning]
-Club foot.
-Cleft palette.
-Albinism.
-Dwarfism.
-[vibrator whirring]
-[moaning]
-Deaf from birth.
-Blind from birth.
-Um, partially deaf.
-Partially blind.
-[vibrator whirring]
-[moaning]
-Organs on the outside.
-Wait, organs on
the out--outside?
-[vibrator whirring]
-[moaning]
[moaning loudly]
-Organs on the outside.
-[vibrator whirring]
-[moaning]
Oh, god. [panting]
-[phone ringing]
-What happened?
-Okay. Looks like
we're back in business.
-It's happening, baby,
it's happening again.
[Sara] Hello? Yes.
Hey, no, no.
Sshhh. Baby, baby.
Slow down.
-[Jimmy] Are you okay?
-[Sara] I can't... what?
When?
[Gary] Breathe. Breathe.
[Sara] Are you okay?
Okay. Thank god.
-[Gary] Cold compress.
[Sara] And Daddy, is he--?
What?
Wh...?
[Gary]
How about some water?
[Howard] Sweetheart,
you're awfully backlit here.
Maybe we--can we just
go to the other room?
You know, the light
is much better there.
[Linda] You're okay.
You're okay.
-My--my husband got hit
on his way to my daughter's
soccer game.
-Oh my god, are you okay?
-What?
-I don't know.
I don't know.
He got t-boned on
the driver's side.
[Amy] Oh, my god.
Okay. Sit down.
-Sit, sit, sit.
-I'm gonna get--
I'm gonna get some water.
[water running in glass]
[Howard]
Where did they take him?
[Sara] I don't know.
[Amy] Here you go.
-Kaiser, I think. I...
I have...
I--I have to go.
-Uh, but, uh, well,
Ellye needs you here.
-Her husband
just had a car accident.
-It's a terrible tragedy.
But--but if it was
a major accident,
he'd be in the operating room.
And--
-Mom!
[Linda] I'm not a monster.
I'm just pointing out that
you won't be able to see him.
And if it's a minor accident,
then your daughter
is gonna with him.
So Ellye needs you
here right now.
And she's paying you.
-Linda! Stop talking.
-Let me take you
to the hospital.
-Okay. Thank you.
-Yes, yes.
-[Ellye] Wait, what do I do?
-Um, um...
I'll call the backup.
-Oh, now you say it.
[Ellye] Oh, my god.
-Ellye, I'm sorry.
I, uh... you know, remember
your training and your...
-Text me the number, Sara.
-Calm down.
Don't worry. Don't worry.
We're gonna get a backup.
-Wait, wait, wait, wait, please,
before you go.
Do you have a backup?
Oh, okay.
Oh.
Okay.
If you did that,
that would be so amazing.
Oh my god.
You sound so--hello?
Okay, uh, Sara's backup
is in delivery right now
and the backup to the backup
just went into labor
two weeks early,
so we are fucked.
-Did you tell her
it was an emergency?
[Jimmy] I--I--I said
it was an emergency.
I did, Linda. I did.
But she did say
that she would make a call
and find out
if anybody is available
if she got another break.
But the way it sounds,
she's gonna be swamped.
I don't see that happening
anytime soon.
-Do your docs know any OBs?
-I--I work for dermatologists.
[Ellye] Jimmy, that is not
part of our birth plan!
-Babe, I know. Okay?
What would you have me do?
[Ellye] Find me a midwife.
It's a big city.
[car door closes]
-Fuck.
[breathes deeply]
Siri, find a midwife near me.
[Siri] I found these results
for find a midwife near me.
-Amy!
-[Amy] Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
-Aims, can you come
press on my back, please?
Press on my back.
-I'm here. Yes, yes, yes.
I'm here.
-This is me? I'm on this.
I'm on this.
-[groaning] Oh God.
Yes. That's good.
[Kevin] You get her,
I'll get you.
-Mommy.
-Yes. Yes, doll.
-Can you, um, can you make me
a roast beef sandwich
on the cute little
Hawaiian roll, please?
-Oh, absolutely.
I'm so glad
you're eating meat again.
-[Ellye] Yeah.
-I just wish Amy would.
-Oh yeah, this is good.
-[laughing]
-My name's on the--
on the business...
So, you know, if you say
my name, she's gonna be like,
"Well, what about us?"
Our name. Fuck it.
Yeah. Our name's
on the business card,
even though it's my name
on the fucking bills.
[phone message beeping]
Please, God, make this...
Fuck, yeah.
-Argh.
I bet it was from freezing
off those vaginal warts.
[Ellye] Excuse me?
[Linda] When Amy came back
from her sophomore year,
remember you went to Dr. Allen?
-What's your point?
-That's why
you can't have kids.
-Oh, Jesus, Linda.
-Oh, it must be
scorched earth down there.
-Christ, woman.
-I'm sorry.
-I'm just saying, look,
it--it can't be genetic.
That's all.
-Oh, okay.
Well, there it is, guys.
-By the way, Bitsy,
I've been very worried
about your body.
I mean, the junk
you've put in it.
-Ugh.
-Dad.
-But you had an amnio.
So we're good.
-No amnio.
-What? Are you crazy?
Your Aunt Judy
didn't have an amnio
and she had a baby
born without a brain.
And she only smoked pot.
[both] Mom!
[phone message beeps]
-Baby! Baby!
-What's happening?
-What's going on?
-Babe, you gave
your man a task
and he got it done, girl.
I found a midwife.
[Ellye] Oh, my god.
-I found a midwife.
Now open your legs.
-What are you doing?
-I need to check
how many centimeters
you're dilated. Let's go.
[Ellye] That's not how
it works, baby.
You don't put up
a ruler up there.
Just text her and tell her
five centimeters.
[phone message beeps]
-What'd she say?
-[phone message beeps]
-[reading] "On my way."
-We got a midwife.
-I'm happy for you.
-We're back on track.
[grunting]
[doorbell rings]
Jimmy!!
-Hey!
Yo. Shit.
Um... hi, I'm--I--I'm Jimmy.
-Cheyenne.
I'm your midwife.
-Babe!
Babe!
-[Ellye] Is it the midwife?
-The midwife is here.
[Ellye] Oh, thank god. Okay.
Thank god. Um...
-Woo, look at you. Mm.
-Hi.
-Cheyenne.
-The midwife?
-The midwife.
-Yes.
-Amazing.
Um, could you just give us...
could you give us a second?
-Sure, of course.
Take your time. Yeah.
-Just one.
-I'm so sorry.
One second.
-Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
-You said she.
-No, you know, um,
when I think back,
I believe I said
they or them.
-No, baby. No.
I said text her
and you were like,
"Okay, I'm gonna
text her right now."
-No, I didn't say her.
I just got a text back.
-[Ellye] Baby.
-[Jimmy] What?
[Ellye] It's mid wife !
-Midhusband sounds weird.
I can hear everything
you're saying, so.
-Okay. Uh...
-What?!
-Do you want me
to send him away?
-Oh, my god.
Oh, I'm gonna kill you.
-No.
-Just let him in.
-Come right on in.
-Okay.
Mm, beautiful space.
-Thank you.
We were expecting a woman.
-Yeah.
-Why, you don't think a man
can do as good a job
as a woman? [laughs]
You know what?
Let's start over again.
Let's just get rid of all
of this negative energy, huh?
-[both] Okay.
-Come on. Come together.
-Mm-hm.
-Hands.
Hands Across America.
-[both laugh]
-Now, let's meet this baby.
What do you say? Okay?
-Yeah. Let's do it.
-Okay.
-Um, it's just
right over here, sir.
We've set everything up and...
-Okay.
-Hands.
-Looks just like
Hands Across America.
-Hi, there.
-Hello.
-This is my family.
-Oh, hello, family.
My name is Cheyenne.
I'm the midwife.
And, uh, yes, I am a man.
Good. Okay, we got that
out of the way.
Are you filming?
-[Howard] Yes. Is that okay?
-Absolutely, as long as
you send me a copy
for my TikTok. [laughs]
Okay, why don't you
take off your pants?
I mean, unless you'd
like us all to get naked
so you don't feel so exposed?
Right, family?
[Amy] Um, no.
-I have delivered
plenty of babies in the nude.
Usually in a tub,
but hey, I'm open.
-Okay.
-No, no, no.
-Dad! No.
-Howard.
[Ellye] Maybe just pants.
-Okay, just pants. Everyone?
-Oh, no. Um...
oh, sorry.
I just meant, um,
maybe just my pants.
-All right.
-[grunting]
[Amy] Are you okay?
-[Jimmy] Baby, baby, baby.
-Oh, god!
-And so it begins.
-Oh, it's a big one.
It's a really big one.
-[Howard] Yeah. Oh, yes.
-Wait, should I
take my pants off?
-Yes, take your pants off,
by all means.
-[Ellye] Okay. Okay.
-[Kevin] Oh.
-Okay, good. Now.
-[Linda] Over here.
-[Kevin] What's he rubbing?
-[growls]
Feel that? That's Reiki.
That's a transference
of energy through touch.
-Ooohhh!
-Okay? I want you
to take my energy in
and let it ooohhhhpen
your birth canal.
-Ohhhhhhh.
-Ohhh.
Open up the birth canal.
Rock your pelvis forward.
We want its little head to be
right at the entrance.
Stretch that vagina out.
-Oh, no! It's too big.
I just don't know.
It feels way too big.
It's not gonna come out!
-Ellye.
That's such a beautiful name.
Okay. I want you to do
something for me, okay?
I want you to look
at your vagina.
-No.
-Look at your vagina right now.
Admire it. Take it in.
There we go. Good.
Now, I know it's kind of scary.
You're thinking
how does a human being
come out of this
teeny-weeny little hole?
But guess what?
That's what vaginas
were made for.
Am I right, Papa Bear?
-You are absolutely right.
-Get your butt down here.
-Yes.
-Okay.
You can look
at her vagina too.
There you go. Yeah.
-Mm-hm.
-Does it look all right?
Does it look okay?
-It looks amazing, baby.
You have a very
beautiful vagina.
-Oh, that's so sweet.
Now, the two of you made love.
And I can think of
no more pure connection
to the creative force
of the universe than that. Okay?
Now, I don't know if you believe
in a higher power or not,
but I truly believe that
there is no more holy organ
than the vagina.
-Amen.
[Cheyenne]
So what I want you to do now
is thank your vagina for the job
it's about to undertake.
-Go ahead, baby.
-Hi. Thank you. [groans]
-Thank you who?
-Oh, sorry.
Oh, thank you--
thank you, vagina.
-At the top of your lungs!
-Thank you, vagina!
-Yes.
-Agghh!
-You too, Pop Pops.
-[shouts] Thank you, vagina!
That's too loud? Sorry.
[whispers] Thank you, vagina.
-Oh.
-Oh, we're through it.
-[laughs]
-It worked.
-For now. For now.
Okay. Oh, um, have you been
massaging your perineum?
-Excuse me?
-Have you ever
run a marathon?
-I did a 5K.
-Hey, good job, sweetie.
-Thanks.
-Would you ever
consider doing that
without stretching first?
Believe me, you do not
want a tear down there.
-For once,
I agree with Granola.
[Cheyenne]
Oh, and before I forget,
do you have any plans
for the placenta?
-Meaning?
-Many people like to
keep a portion of it,
plus the umbilical cord
is a keepsake.
But there are health benefits
to ingesting it.
[Kevin] I have seen
bags of placenta crisps
at Whole Foods.
-Eat the placenta?
-The Chagga people
of Tanganyika
actually make a porridge
out of it
and feed the old women
of the family,
thus the circle of life.
[Cheyenne] Now I certainly
understand your squeamishness,
but it has been
clinically proven
to combat postpartum depression
and increase milk flow.
-See?
-After you have
birthed the placenta,
I will clean it, dry it out,
turn it into a powder,
which you can ingest
in capsule form
or sprinkle on a smoothie.
I have a recipe for
a placenta truffles
that is to die for. [chuckles]
-Are you seriously
going to let this Yeti
deliver your baby?
-Linda.
-You're not helping.
-He came highly recommended.
-Uh, speaking of which,
after the birth,
if you could leave me
a positive review
on Google and Yelp.
That way,
people can find me easier.
I mean, Craigslist is great,
but they don't really have
a reviewing system.
-I'm sorry.
You found our midwife
on Craigslist?
-Is that what he said?
-He said...
-Right.
-Craigslist.
-It was Google.
I thought Go--
-No. It was
definitely Craigslist.
-Don't you...
Thank you, Cheyenne.
-Jimmy?
-It looks like, Cheyenne,
you got this
all under control, right?
-[Linda] He's nuts.
-Baby, I gotta go.
I'm so sorry. Mwah.
I love you.
I love you so much.
-Are you...?
-I got to. Sorry.
-Is--is he leaving-leaving?
-[Ellye] Jimmy.
-Yeah.
[Kevin] He's not going anywhere.
-Jimmy, get back here
right now.
-Babe, I gotta go.
-[Kevin] Oh, my god. Yes.
-Jimmy.
[Linda] What's going on?
-You're really leaving me?
-Baby, I'm not leaving you.
I'm just leaving the house.
-Is this the kind of father
you're gonna be?
You're gonna go do the Oscars
when your kid
is in a soccer tournament
or the Cowardly Lion
in the school play?
-She'll never let go of it.
-It's our business.
Our name is on the card.
-Yeah.
-It's our reputation.
Please. You have to understand.
-[Ellye] Oh, my god.
Jimmy, you think because
you drive Kanye to Lakers games
that that makes you
a badass motherfucker?
-Baby ears.
-When I get my contracts back,
I could buy you out.
In fact, I will buy you out.
That's what I'll do.
And then I'll fire you,
and you can stay home
with the baby while I work.
How does that sound?
-It sounds like
your pregnancy hormones
are going crazy.
-No, I feel very clear actually.
-Look, I'll be right back.
It's not that.
I love you so much, all right?
-If you really loved me,
you would fucking stay.
-Oh, my god, Bitsy.
Go easy on him.
The only reason why you're even
having contractions right now
is because you used a vibrator
to start them.
-Actually, a vibrator
can be very helpful
in relieving the pain
of contractions.
-Thank you, Cheyenne.
I'm sorry I came, Amy.
-Okay.
-There's a baby inside of me
that I would like to come out.
-This is why I didn't want
to talk about the adoption,
because she's just
incapable of functioning
if it's not about her.
I mean, God forbid,
it's about me for two seconds.
-Really?
-We didn't know anything
about the adoption. We--
-Yes, you didn't know
because you never asked me
about my problems
because we're always
just a part of the Bitsy Show.
-Oh, really, Amy?
When have you ever
been there for me? Really?
You left for college
when I was 12 years old.
Like and then when Mom met Gary,
she disappeared too,
so Bitsy Show, my ass.
I invited you here to my home
because I-I-I wanted, I...
I hoped that this baby
would show you
that I've--I've matured.
-Yeah, it's really mature
getting pregnant by a guy
that you just met.
-Well, at least he sees me
for who I'm trying to be.
No. Don't fucking touch me.
Just go, Jimmy. Go.
Go drive Guy Fieri or whatever.
-[Jimmy] Three hours.
-[door opens, closes]
-[whispers]
I freaking love Guy Fieri.
-Do you want to know
what my first addiction was?
-Okay.
-Diet pills.
Which is fucking speed,
by the way.
Thank you, Mom,
for supplying those.
I wanted to be you so bad.
[laughs] It's crazy.
I used to go in your closet
and get your prom dress,
you know the one.
Oh God, it was so pretty.
It was cream and lace
and it had the slit up the side
and I put it on
but I couldn't get it zipped up.
I was chubby and ugly
and you were so perfect
and you were so beautiful
and smart.
And--and everybody
fucking loved you
and all the guys
wanted to fuck you.
-Jesus, Bitsy.
-Don't feel bad for me.
I'm really good now.
I'm good, Mom.
Actually, I'm great.
People can't get enough of me.
I--I'm on the cover of
fucking magazines and--
and I have a house,
a beautiful house,
and--and a husband that fucking
loves the shit out of me
and he loves my body
and he loves fucking me.
And I have this baby coming.
And--and I have
a big-ass bank account.
So I'm good.
I really am good.
But you...
this was your last chance
but you're fucking toxic.
You are all toxic to me.
So if you want to leave,
you can go.
Just go.
Fine. That's fine. I'll go.
Jesus.
-Bits...
-[door open]
-My name is Ellye.
E-double L-Y-E.
[door closes]
[door opens, closes]
-We're not going to go
after her?
-She does this
to get attention.
-I mean, Linda's right.
She'll be back.
-That's our daughter
out there.
-Just...?
-Yeah. Yes.
[door opens]
[door closes]
[birds chirping]
[dog barking]
-Ellye! Ellye.
Ellye, come back.
We're all sorry.
-Hey, what's...?
Are you okay?
What's happened?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you okay?
Come here. Come here.
-My angina.
-Really?
-I'm fine.
-All right.
-Gary! Slow down.
-Should we wait
so they can catch up?
Let's wait.
-No. No.
I just pretend
I can't hear her.
-Oh, that's genius.
-That man is deaf as a post.
-[panting]
-Ellye!
[dog barking]
-I'm sorry.
That's my little Chick.
Going a little blind, you know.
She gets scared easily.
-That's okay.
She's really cute.
-Yeah.
Well, are--are you okay?
-I'm okay.
Thank you for asking.
Oh. Oh, my... my water broke.
My water broke! Oh, my god.
-That's not water.
-What?
Oh, no.
-[Amy] You guys lost her?
[Kevin] Yeah. Yeah.
[Gary] She lost us.
Okay, hush. Hush.
-[Kevin] Very agile.
-[Ellye] Help!
-Where's that?
[Linda] Oh, there.
It's from there.
[Amy] Dad.
-Ellye?
-Oh, hi.
-Okay.
All right.
Let's take a look here.
Uh, ca--can we have
a little privacy, please?
-Oh.
Yeah, like, yeah, okay.
-Yeah, your water
definitely broke.
There's a little more blood
than I'd like.
-It's just bloody show.
-Someone call
an ambulance, please.
-Yeah, yeah.
I'm on it. I'm on it.
-Mom, I wanna go home.
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
We need to go to the hospital.
-[Ellye] No.
-[Cheyenne] Okay?
-Please don't take me there.
It's not part of the birth plan.
I don't wanna do that.
-Bleeding out is also
not part of the birth plan.
-You're gonna be fine, honey.
-Squeeze your legs together.
Make it really,
really, really tight.
[Kevin] Please, please.
[Cheyenne] Deep breaths.
Good news.
I've got a heartbeat.
-Let's carry her.
Let's carry her.
[Kevin] Okay, here we go.
-[Amy] Three.
-[Kevin] Together. Together.
Stop, stop.
[Ellye groaning]
[Gary] [into phone]
We're at the park.
Yes. Oh. No, I-I-I...
what street are we on?
-Call Jimmy, please.
-[Amy] Okay, I will. I will.
-Somebody call Jimmy.
-Ga--Gary, we're near
Watergate, I think.
-We're near Watergate.
-[Kevin] Yeah.
-No, no, no, no.
Not on Watergate.
Near Watergate.
-How are you doing?
-I don't know,
I'm not from around here. What?
-Are you doing okay?
Are you doing okay?
Are you taking your pills?
-Yes. Honey, I'm on the phone.
-I know you are but...
-Yes. We're in a park.
How's the--
ambulance gonna get here?
-Jimmy, thank god.
-Talk to me, Amy.
What's going on?
-Something's happened
with Ellye.
No, no. We have to
get her to the hospital.
-Mommy.
[Amy] [into phone]
Yeah. We're...
no, we need you to come.
-Here we go. Here we go.
-Put Ellye on the phone!
Put Ellye on the phone!
-Tell your driver to
turn on the sirens like
a goddamn ice cream man
and when I hear it,
I'll know you're near.
-Hi. I have Jimmy.
I have Jimmy. Say hi.
It's gonna be okay.
-Baby, where are you?
[Jimmy] I'm coming.
Where are you?
-[into phone] Oh, yeah.
I'm, um... on the Greenbelt.
-All right, I'm coming. Hang on.
-He's coming.
-The guy's coming?
Did you say the guy's coming?
-He's coming.
[Cheyenne] Hey, hey,
stay with me here.
Stay with me.
-[Howard] Almost.
-[Cheyenne] Okay.
-All right, everybody else.
-That's it. It's here. Dad.
[Howard] Your carriage awaits,
my dear.
[Ellye] Oh.
-My mommy just had a baby.
She has a scar right here
where they cut it out.
-Okay.
-[Linda] It's all right.
That's not gonna happen.
-[Amy] Yeah.
-Okay.
[Howard]
Here we go. Here we go.
Okay. Here we go.
-Oh, god. [grunts]
[car engine revving]
-Okay, come on.
Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.
[car brakes screeching]
[car door opens, closes]
[Ellye] Jimmy.
-Whoa, whoa.
Okay, okay.
Come on. Come on.
-Baby, what about Guy Fieri?
-Guy Fieri can wait.
Don't worry about it.
The worst thing
that'll happen to me is
I'll probably get banned
from Flavortown.
-Okay.
-Hey, get over.
-If you need,
I can--I can drive.
You know, I know this is very
important for your business,
but also Guy shouldn't
have to miss the Emmys.
-[Jimmy] I appreciate it.
-[Kevin] I have a blazer.
-[Amy] Now is not the time.
-[Jimmy] It's pretty sharp,
there's piping...please get--
-[car engine revving]
[Jimmy] Run, run, run, run.
[Ellye] Oh, baby.
-Got 'em.
I need you to admit her
right now.
-Our maternity ward
is completely booked.
[Jimmy] I don't give
a shit about that.
She's bleeding.
Please, please.
-And if she crashes--
-Just type something
on the computer.
Just type her name
and it's Ellye Ferguson.
Ellye Ferguson. Please.
-And if she crashes--
-Type the fucking keyboard,
lady.
Please!
-If she crashes,
we will take her to the ER.
Are you in our system? If not--
-Fuck your system, lady!
Are you kidding me right now?
Are you--?
-Listen, I'll take care of it.
I'll take care of it.
[announcement on intercom]
[Vonda] Hi. I--
I don't mean to be rude...
-Then don't.
-Excuse me?
-You're excused.
-No one needs to see that.
-[Linda] Fuck you.
-There's a child here.
-[Linda] Fuck him too.
[Vonda scoffs]
-Well, it is how we got here.
[Linda] And this one
is for my husband.
-I told you I'm...
ugh, I'm fine.
I just forget to take my pills.
[door opens]
[male nurse] All right.
Thank you. Thank you.
-[Cheyenne] You can go.
-You're gonna be fine.
Baby, it's gonna be fine.
-You can't come
past this point.
-What? I'm her husband.
-Hospital policy.
ER's a sterile environment.
-Wherever she goes, I go.
I have catching rights.
And if you have a problem
with that,
well, then you can take it up
with the California
Midwife Association.
I'm gonna need that.
-Take care of her.
-Wait. You're just gonna
leave her there?
-We'll get her a room
as soon as we're able.
-When's a doctor
gonna be able to see her?
-As soon as they're able.
-What?
[cries]
[elevator pings]
[rapidly pushing
elevator button]
-Hold it. Aaah!
[elevator pings]
-Hey. We called
to schedule a tour.
-Last name Messina.
[Dr. Faraj] Well, it's a good
thing that this is hypothetical.
If she was allergic
to penicillin,
then we'd have a severe
allergic reaction on our hands.
Congratulations, Dr. Serrano.
She's--
-[clears throat]
Uh, hello.
I am with Administration,
and I just need a favor.
-I'm right
in the middle of something--
-I totally understand.
It's just that we got
so many complaints
about abusive conditions
and long hours
and totally want to
nip this in the bud
before OSHA gets involved.
Right?
So, uh, if you don't mind,
I would love to just borrow
one of your med students.
-Residents.
-That's what I...
This one would be...
I'm sure she would have
some valuable insight.
-Just go.
-Yeah, perfect. Excellent.
-Okay.
-Thank you so much.
-[grunting]
-Exhale, exhale. Whoooh.
All the way out.
-Whoooooh!!
-There you go.
Just a contraction.
Okay, yeah, you're good.
Breathe out. Remember?
-[straining]
-All the way out.
Good. Good. Good.
Hey, hey. Ellye. Ellye.
Hey, you never told me,
how did you and Jimmy meet?
Hm?
-Oh. Oh, yeah.
We met at rehab.
He sat next to me
in the group session.
He always used to whisper
the meanest things about people.
[laughs] He made me laugh.
-And how long you been sober?
-About a year.
-Oh.
Well, congratulations.
-[Ellye] Thank you.
-Me, 17.
-Wow.
-[Cheyenne] Yeah.
And how often did you want to
use during this pregnancy?
-Every day.
-Hm. Every day.
And you didn't, did you?
-Nuh-uh.
-Because you're a fighter.
Listen, there may come a point
before the end of all this,
you feel like giving up,
but I'm gonna need you
to keep fighting.
The baby's gonna
need you to fight.
Jimmy is going to
need you to fight.
Can you do that for us?
-[sighs]
[door opens]
-[Jimmy whistles]
-I think I left my, uh,
oh, do you have my phone?
-I wish.
-Might have left it in the car.
-Okay.
-Um...
-Pregnancy brain.
-I'm so sorry.
We will be right back.
Thank you for everything.
-[elevator pings]
-Okay, here's the deal.
My wife is in labor right now,
but all the beds are taken
in this hospital.
She's bleeding a lot.
We really need a doctor.
-Oh. But I'm only a resident.
-You are so much more qualified
than all of us combined.
-Yes, please. We are...
we are good people. [chuckles]
-Okay.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
[elevator pings]
-I owe you a trip
to Flavortown.
-Oh, I hope
that's a double entendre.
-[laughs]
[male nurse] Sir.
-That's my wife.
Do you understand me?
That is my wife.
I made a vow,
through sickness and in health,
and this is the sick part.
If she dies... [sobbing]
If she dies... [cries]
-Come on back.
-Thank you.
-Come on back.
Let me offer you
some scrubs, sir.
-Well, um, there's two things
I think it could be.
-Okay.
-One is really bad.
Uh, I think what she's got
is placenta previa,
which basically means
that the placenta
is blocking the cervix,
and we need to do a cesarean
and get the baby out right away.
-[Ellye] No.
-Baby.
-[Ellye] No!
-Baby. Okay.
Well, what's the good thing
it could be?
-That was the good thing.
-I don't want it.
I don't want it.
-I love you so much.
I love you so much.
What are we waiting for?
Please. Please.
-[phone button beeps]
-[phone ringing]
-Here goes my letter
of recommendation.
Yeah. We have a code pink
in the ER.
[door opening]
-I wanna see.
-It's happening.
It's happening.
-I love you.
-We need you to wait outside.
-No!
-We have to put you under.
You won't even know
they're missing.
-No, you can't.
I have to be awake.
-There is no time
for an epidural.
We need to get this baby
out now.
-I love you.
-I need to talk to you.
Really quickly.
I love you.
-No, no. What's that?
Tell me what that is.
-That's the nine-pointed star.
It's a religious symbol
of the Baha'i.
-Okay. What's Baha'i?
-I'll explain later,
after the baby's born.
-Will you say a prayer for me?
-Listen to me.
Will you save my wife? Please.
-The doctors will do
everything they can
for both of them.
-Okay.
[breathing deeply]
[crying]
[heart monitor beeping]
[Cheyenne] [VO] Thy name
is my healing, O my God,
and remembrance of Thee
is my remedy.
Nearness to Thee is my hope,
and love for Thee
is my companion.
Thy mercy to me
is my healing and my succor
in both this world
and the world to come.
Thou verily art
the all-bountiful,
the all-knowing,
the all-wise.
-I hope that shit works.
-Well, maybe don't
refer to it as shit.
-[Jimmy scoffs]
I didn't grow up religious.
I actually didn't find God
until I first laid eyes on Ellye
when she walked into
the rehab facility.
-[laughs]
-I thought to myself,
"Dear God, please, please,
I will clean up my entire act,
my whole life,
if you just make it
so I can get with her."
-That is a beautiful prayer.
-[chuckles]
[door opens]
-It's a boy.
[both laugh]
[phone message beeps]
-Oh. I got a Lil' Jordan.
-I'll go tell the family.
-What about my wife?
-They're still with her.
-Wait, wait.
What does that mean?
-May I have your attention?
Lil' Jordan Ferguson
was born at 3:49 p.m.
[all chuckling]
And with that,
my work is done.
-Well, who's Big Jordan?
-What about my daughter?
-Let me... let me check.
[door closes]
-Baby's doing fine.
-Ah, thank God.
-We need to monitor him
in the NICU.
-What about my wife?
-And we couldn't
stop the bleeding.
Oh no, no, no.
We had to perform
a hysterectomy,
but she's going to be fine.
[both cheer and laugh]
-Maybe, uh, next time,
just lead with
"She's going to be fine."
-If you ever need
a limo ride, I got you.
Come here!
-[both laugh]
[heart monitor beeping]
-Drama queen.
-Oh, hi.
Hi.
-You're a mom.
-Amy. [cries]
-Honey, what?
-[sobs] I just...
all I wanted
was a natural birth
and-- and I wasn't
even awake for it.
-Oh, honey, fuck natural.
You know what's not natural?
My crown.
Do you think I'd ask for
a "natural" root canal?
-They cut me open.
-[Amy] I know.
-And I... I can't have
any more babies.
-Well, you have a baby.
And that baby has the bravest
mom that I have ever known.
-[Amy] Really?
-Yeah.
-Maybe our bodies
just aren't meant
to have babies, you know?
-That's right.
Blame it on me.
-[chuckles]
-Hey, Mommy.
-Sweetheart.
-Well, I asked the vet
to put him down but he refused.
-Dad?
-[Gary] Hey.
-What happened to you?
-I-I told them
not to make a fuss,
but what are you gonna do?
Doctors.
-Yeah.
-Hey, what's all this?
-Ugh.
-Oh, wow.
-Compliments of Guy Fieri,
actually.
-Oh wow.
-Yes.
-Flavortown.
I'm taking them as souvenirs.
-[Ellye laughs]
-Oh, I know.
-Did you ever think
our babies
would be having babies?
-Yeah. I kinda thought
we'd have scared them off it.
-I think we did okay.
-[Linda chuckles]
-Hey. [chuckling]
-Oh, my...
-Do you want to meet our baby?
-Yes.
Hi, baby. Come here.
Come to Mommy.
Hi, baby.
-[Lil' Jordan cries]
-Yes. Okay, baby.
It's okay.
-Hey.
-Come on. Let's take a picture.
-[Lil' Jordan coos]
-[camera shutter clicks]
-[Ellye cries]
He's perfect.
-Mom and Dad,
we need you to wear these
to prove you belong to
this precious little boy.
-Yeah.
-Hi. Do you like those?
Do you like that? Ssshhh.
-It's okay, buddy.
-[Lil' Jordan cries]
[Ellye] Thank you.
You're so perfect.
Lil' Jordan?
-What?
-What the fuck!
[Jimmy] Baby ears.
["Baby (Do You Wanna Be Mine)"
by Red Stags playing]
[music fades out]