Home Movie (2008) Movie Script
"Home Movie"!
For "Home Movie" press one.
For "Happy Easter"
press two.
What are you doing?
For a terrible
"Thanksgiving," press three.
You're confusing our children.
For "Happy Kwanzaa," press five.
I don't think so.
Aha!
Mm-hmm, happy Halloween.
Mmm, fire.
Fire.
My children have been turned
into fire-breathing dragons.
It's your mother
and she's in a horrible mood
and a birthday cake for you.
You're so scary.
# Happy birthday-slash-Halloween,
Jack and Emily #
#Happy birthday-slash-Halloween to... #
Hmmm?
Oh, yes, make a wish.
- Make a wish.
- You guys ready?
Ready?
Blow out the candles.
They're not blowing out.
Oh, she got them.
Nope, they're still lit!
- Hey hey!
- Jack!
Fire, mmm...
Five four three two one.
Ready or not,
here we come!
I'm not wearing mine either.
I'll wear yours.
I'll wear yours.
- Which way does it go?
- Any way.
No, I'm not wearing it.
- Okay, I'm not wearing yours either.
- Here.
- Hey, come here.
- What are you doing?
Oh no, oh.
Good evening...
...and welcome to haunted
ghost house sightings of...
ghosts.
They're down here.
Oh!
Ah ha ha!
Honey, I think I know
where they are.
- Where?
- Hold the camera.
- Careful.
- Baby,
if I don't make it back, I just want
you to know how much I... whoa!
I'm all right... ouch!
Are you okay?
What is it?
Nothing but a fire-breathing dragon.
Grr.
Nice!
Okay, come on, guys.
- Game over. Mommy's tired.
- Where are they?
Aha! We found them!
Okay, guys, come on.
Turn off the flashlights.
Jack and Emily Poe.
Turn off the flashlights.
- It's not good for the camera.
- Listen to your mom, guys.
- Come on.
- Such cooperative children.
Turn off the flashlights
or I'll turn off the camera.
That's better.
Oh, you got me.
Oh, you got me.
Did you just bite me?
Bringing the heat on.
Nice!
Fake out!
Now batting...
Number 31...
Jack... Poe...
centerfielder,
the Connecticut Cormorant.
All right.
Come on, you can do it!
Nice!
Aw, come on, Jack!
Whoop... oh!
Into the woods.
- Holy cow.
- Oh, rats!
- Nice hit, son.
- That was good!
Good job, baby.
Oh. Little help, hon?
- What?
- Little help.
- What do you mean?
- A little help!
- You want me to get it?
- A little help.
- You get it.
- Little help.
- My God.
- A little help.
Do I have to do
everything around here?
I'm the pitcher.
My arm, my leg...
- they gotta relax and rest.
- Your arm? My arm.
- Come on, hon.
- I got it... okay.
Okay...
Yay. Oops,
got some woods here.
Hurry up, hon!
I think I found
some poison ivy.
Makes sense.
And I just saw
a jackal... that's good.
Poison ivy, more snakes
and a jackal.
I'm, like,
so glad we just moved
to the middle of nowhere.
Hey, Em!
Have you seen
your dad's ball?
Okay, well, um...
I'm gonna go look over here.
I thought you said
you didn't see it.
Listen, how about I shoot
your guys's clubhouse, huh?
That might be cool for you guys to look
back at when you're older, right?
"No parents allowed." Hmm.
Is that all parents
or is that just me and your dad?
Ah. Okay.
Well...
I'm gonna go
watch the game.
Do you want to come?
You can ride in the wagon.
Are you playing dead?
Again, right here.
It's going right there.
I love the zoom on this.
Zoom!
Oh, big swing and a miss.
The big fella...
notice the form though?
- Very nice.
- See that?
Make a smiley face.
Good job.
- I'll take that. I'll take that.
- Whoa!
High-five, put it there.
All right, thank you.
Come on, Em!
Give your dad a hand!
- Yeah!
- Home run.
Whoo!
Good, baby, good.
Watch this guy.
One more,
one more, one more.
- Whoop!
- What was that, a rock?
What?
What?
What's the matter?
- We're done.
- What happened?
- He's throwing rocks at me.
- What?!
#Du-duh! #
#Du-duh!
Du-duh! Du-duh! #
#Du-duh! Du-duh!
Du-duh! #
Today we're going to learn
about the ancient art of raking.
Raking was first discovered
by a Chinese mountain
task force in 1802.
My lovely assistant Jack Poe
is raking today because
he's being punished for throwing
a rock at his dad's head.
What you got, Jack?
A dead bug.
This is where we employ
the notorious garbage bag technique.
And there you have it, kids.
That's our lesson for today:
Dead things go in trash bags.
Love is in the air, can you feel it?
Hmmm? Yes?
Don't let me
keep you up. Okay.
It's Friday,
November 9th, 10:30 PM.
It's Clare and I's
10th wedding anniversary...
and I'm gonna go
attempt a most dangerous stunt.
But before I go,
in case I don't come back,
Jack, I want you to know
how much I love you.
And, Emily, I love you
very very much too.
So, um, well...
this stunt is most dangerous.
I wouldn't have anybody,
uh, attempt it
if you're amateur
or if you're faint of heart.
I'm gonna go try and jump
all 206 of my wife's bones.
Okay, bye. Wish me luck.
Oh... shit!
Great. Give me this.
Happy anniversary.
You better not have
the camera in here!
I don't have the camera in here.
What do you think I am, a pervert?
Yeah!
"'The Mask of Sanity,'
by Hervey M Cleckley."
Some people
have booze. My wife has books.
- Ah... come here.
- No!
- Cheese plate?
- That's a cheese plate?
- Yes, and that's a box of wine.
- I'm not drinking wine
- that comes out of a box.
- Kiss me, elitist.
I am not an elitist.
Come on, I just moved
our family here
to the middle
of the woods six months ago.
- I'm not an elitist.
- You're an elitist.
Kiss me, elitist.
Mmm, this cheese isn't bad.
- Are you seducing me?
- Huh-uh, I would never do such a thing.
Well, um, it's too bad for you.
I can't have sex right now
because I have a lot of work to do.
- You always have work to do.
- Yeah, so we have money to spend.
- Right.
- # Money to spend. #
Aw.
Isn't this how
the Paris Hilton video got started?
No, I think it was...
Oh, you... bastard!
Oh, where's my towel?!
Oh!
You are dead!
- You are so bad.
- Bad...
do you mean like
"bad good" or "bad bad"?
I mean like bad,
nasty, evil bad.
You're supposed to be
a pastor, you know.
Yeah, I'm Lutheran,
not a Catholic.
Well, I am a doctor,
not a whore.
Say happy anniversary
- to the camera, will you?
- No.
So we have something
to remember when we're old,
decrepit and farting
all over each other.
We're not gonna be farting
all over each other. That's disgusting!
We're gonna be farting
all over each other.
We're gonna die
in a conflagration of farts.
- Yeah, your farts.
- Somebody's gonna light a match
and we're gonna go...
Not my farts.
Come on, say happy anniversary
to the camera for posterity's sake.
Happy anniversary. And now
you can take the camera out of here
because it is supposed to be for my work
because I've spent a lot of money on it.
I thought it was supposed
to be soft-core porn?
No?
- I can't believe...
- I can't believe how sexy you are.
Take your clothes off.
I thought you'd never ask!
Get in here.
Is that the dog?
- Why does he always do this?
- Hegel, fermez la bouche.
David,
please, with the camera.
I feel like I'm on
"The Real World" or something.
"The Real World"?
Where's Emily?
Oh, isn't that
the most precious thing?
It's not precious. It's weird.
It's not weird...
the two of them in bed together?
They're getting too old for this.
It's the cutest thing
I've ever seen.
"The Story
of the Dragon and the Paper Bag,"
by Micky Powell.
"Once upon a time,
in a land far far away,
there lived the most hideous
two-headed dragon
in all of history.
And this dragon had
this dream of eating
all the boys
and all the girls in town.
In fact,
'twas more than a dream...
'twas a plan.
On Halloween next,
when all the boys and all the girls
wear their paper-bag masks
to school,
the dragon decided that he was going
to wear his own paper-bag mask.
And, thus disguised,
he set forth
for the schoolyard.
On the schoolyard,
the schoolkids were surprised
by the sight
of their new student.
'You're too tall,' they said.
'You have two heads,'
said another child.
'You can't be one of us.
You must be the dragon.'
'Trust me,'
the dragon answered,
'I'm one of you.'
'Oh, yeah?
Prove it,' they said.
'Take off your mask.'
The dragon knew that
that was something that he couldn't do.
'What I can do,' he said,
'is talk like you.
I can walk like you.
Shoot, I can even
dance like you.'
'Do it,' said the children.
And, indeed,
the dragon walked,
talked and danced just like
he was one of them.
And the children
were so convinced
that they invited him to sing
their songs with them.
They invited him
to play in their games.
And when the bell rang
for lunch,
they invited him
inside to eat with them.
'Thanks,' said the dragon,
'but I prefer to eat outside.'
'Outside? ' says the children.
'But whatever will you eat? '
The dragon responded, 'You.'
And with that,
the dragon took off
his paper-bag mask,
revealing
the two hideous heads.
The children
started to scream,
but their screams were soon swallowed
inside the dragon's stomach."
That was perhaps the most
vastly inappropriate
fairy tale I've ever heard.
Hon, it's an allegory
for, you know,
"Don't trust strangers."
Good night, Steven.
Good night, Lou.
Good night, Nikolai...
commie bastard.
Hello, my name
is Dr. Clare Poe.
It is the 10th
of November, 2006.
This is video diary number one.
Patient's name: Billy Tomlinson, 11,
diagnosed with prodromal VEOS
at the Children's Hospital
in Philadelphia,
where I am currently chief resident
of the child psychiatry unit.
Patient meets all diagnostic criteria,
including disorganized speech,
alogia, catatonic features
and persistent delusions,
with no fewer than three hallucinatory
episodes in the past three months,
in which Billy claimed
there was, quote,
"a man made of nails"
living under his bed.
10mg Abilify,
10mg loxapine.
In less than a week,
this binary treatment
vanquished Billy's delusions,
sending this "man made of nails"
back to whatever synapse
misfiring he came from.
Scheduled appointment,
including blood work,
for next Tuesday, the 14th.
Hi. It's November 18th.
Hi. It's November 18th.
I'm your host David Poe,
and this is "America's Funniest,
Most Embarrassing
Home Videos."
Today the kids have
their Thanksgiving Day party at school.
Mom's dressed them as something.
We're gonna find out what.
You guys look
so cute, I'm gonna vomit.
The follies of youth
are fast forgotten, not to worry.
Unless, of course,
Dad happens to be filming them.
Listen to you.
Honey, did you make
your own lunch?
- I'm sorry, you look great.
- They look great!
Fantastic, absolutely.
What did you make?
That's... come on, please...
Give them a break.
Did you make bologna?
No? PB&J?
No? Well...
why don't we just see
what our little man
is bringing to the fourth grade
Thanksgiving feast, huh?
If he can make a sandwich,
I think you can every once in a while.
- No, I can't.
- I'm sorry.
- What'd you make, Jack?
- Oh!
Hey, boy.
On this episode of "Clare Poe:
Turkey Proctologist Extraordinaire,"
we... ooh, "Rectum?
Damn near killed 'em!"
Huh? Huh?
Jack! Emily!
I'll get 'em.
Come on, guys,
it's time to eat.
Your mom's been working
on this turkey all day.
Some apples?
Looks really good,
doesn't it?
Dear Lord...
Thank you.
Thank you for providing us
this most bountiful feast.
Most importantly, we thank you
for providing us with each other,
with love,
for this Thanksgiving
we owe to You,
our most trusted
and holy God.
Thank you for my wife,
my beautiful wife,
thank you for my children
and thank you for this life,
which is indeed blessed.
So let us pray.
Dear blessed Lord,
we thank you for the gifts that you...
What was that?
That was your children
being disrespectful.
Well, we're not gonna eat
this turkey until they pray.
- Okay.
- All right.
Dear blessed Lord, thank you for the
gifts that you have provided for us...
What are you guys doing?
- Let's just eat, okay?
- I'm serious.
We are not gonna eat
until you pray.
David, come on.
Dear blessed Lord,
please give us Your...
...that you have provided for us...
What are you guys doing?
Hi, I'm Boy Scout leader
David Poe
and you're gonna learn
about an ancient art today
called lock picking.
You won't find it in the manual,
but you will
find it here. Come on.
All right? Bobby pin?
Got it. Okay now, Jack,
first thing you wanna do:
Open up said bobby pin,
peel off the little rubber bit...
put it into the lock like so.
All right, make three circles
counterclockwise
until you feel it...
- Go like that.
There you go.
And lock picked.
Slide it to the left.
Okay, this is
the one-handed bowline.
It's a very important knot,
maybe the most essential knot.
It's un-get-out-of-able,
un-undoable
unless of course you wanna undo it
and you have two hands.
I'm gonna show you how
to do it with one hand. Ready?
Go like this...
go around the tree.
And that right there
is a bowline, all right?
I want you to do one.
Give me one second.
Emily, you watching?
Look at that. There he is.
There's old Nikolai.
Perfect.
Dad's,
Jack's.
Perfect!
Did you see that?
Emily, you're next.
Are you ready?
I scream, you scream.
We all scream for... ow!
A little help.
I thought you were
going jogging.
I did. I was.
For about three miles.
So I'm out there
in the middle of the woods
and I took a left where I usually...
anyways, there's this
inlet road there,
and off in the distance
I heard this music, right?
And it's weird,
but it sounds familiar,
so I jog a little closer
and I see this truck,
this ice-cream truck.
And I flagged him down.
He was coming toward me and I say,
"Hey, man, listen, it's a little loud
at 7:00 in the morning
for you to be playing the music
the way you're playing it.
Would you mind turning it down
a little?" He says, "No problem."
Real nice guy,
and he gives me two ice-cream cones.
How about that?
I know you don't generally have
ice cream before you go to school,
but today's an exception.
Our kids don't deserve
ice cream right now.
They deserve a lecture
from their father
because what they did was wrong.
I know you're right. I've been
thinking about that.
Here's what I thought.
Why don't we make a movie?
Spend more family time together?
John, Paul...
and George.
Sorry, Ringo!
Come on, guys, let's go!
Perfectly decent Christmas trees just
waiting for us to put an axe in them!
There you go.
#It's chilly #
#Scarf on... #
oh, please!
Who loves you?
Do you love me? Hmm?
#Sleep in heavenly peace... #
Ruh-roh.
What are you guys saying?
Doing that thing they do.
I don't like that thing.
It's like their own language.
Stop that, okay?
Can you show me what
you're drawing?
You guys, secrets aren't nice.
Honey, secrets are essential.
Our children work
for the Honduras CIA Task Force.
Where am I turning?
I don't know,
just turn up there somewhere.
- Shouldn't there be a sign?
- I don't know.
We live in the middle
of the woods, we don't need a sign
- to tell us where the trees are.
- Okay, I just farted.
Ho ho ho!
Hey hey!
No running with the saw!
Christmas tree farm!
- How could you let Jack carry a saw?
- Trees of all sizes!
I carried a saw.
My dad let me when I was 10 years old.
- It's like a coming-of-age thing.
- It's dangerous.
Hey, how 'bout this one?
That tree's, like, anorexic.
- You're a pastor.
- "American Idol," look out.
#The first noel #
#The angels did sing... #
That's almost kind of scary.
#La la la la la la la #
#You're my everything. #
"And Cain...
and Cain said to Abel, his brother,
'Let us go out in the field.'
And when they were
in the field, Cain rose up
against his brother Abel
and killed him.
Then the Lord said to Cain,
'Where is Abel your brother? '
He said, 'I do not know.
Am I my brother's keeper? '
And the Lord said,
'What have you done?"'
"So...
so... so...
so this Christmas...
let's do more than
just open gifts.
Because we are...
all of us...
our brother's keeper.
Let's follow
in Christ's footsteps.
Let's...
let's fight evil on
a daily basis because then,
and only then,
can we call ourselves
Christians,
worthy in the eyes
of the Lord."
No one wants to hear
this shit on Christmas Eve.
You just suck.
You suck...
so so much.
You suck.
Ah, hey!
Beautiful! You did it!
- We have connection?
- We have connection.
- Tell me, Santa.
- Anything, little girl.
What is the secret
to your gluteal success?
Santa uses
a Stairmaster, baby.
Mmm, nice, I like it.
- Eww, no presents for you!
- Ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho!
Come on, guys!
Rise and shine!
It's a gastrointestinal Christmas!
You're all invited to participate.
Did you bring
your whoopee cushion?
All right, guys,
who's ready for Christmas?
- All right, it's Christmas time!
- Yeah.
What do we have here?
- What is this?
- Presents!
Open 'em up.
Let's see what we got.
Oh my God!
# Can't stop it,
I just can't stop it #
#Can't stop it,
I just can't... #
#Stop it! #
#I got presents #
#So many presents. #
Super Soaker.
Ah ha ha ha!
How 'bout them apples?
- That's not fair.
- What?
Jack Mathias Poe,
put that water gun down right now.
Right now,
right this instant!
Hey hey hey...
not in the house!
Not in the house!
Ooh hoo hoo!
The game is on!
Come on, come on,
come on!
- The game is on!
- Okay, now... don't get the camera!
Not in here.
Oh!
Yesterday morning,
the 25th of December...
Christmas...
Jack and Emily crucified
the family cat.
My children need help.
As a doctor,
as their mother, it is...
My children need help.
Jack and Emily Poe, age 10.
Birthday:
October 31st, 1997.
No prenatal trauma,
no temporal lobe epilepsy
or amygdala damage.
Asperger's disorder possible,
but unlikely.
Malicious intent falls
into the category of conduct disorder,
a precursor to adult ASP
or anti-social personality disorder.
Either the MMPI or the PCL-R
will have to be administered
to test the ambit and extent of Jack
and Emily's psychopathology,
the ambit and extent of...
their malice.
Ha ha, and welcome
to another New Year's Eve,
our first here
at the Poe household.
We're gonna usher in
a year of prosperity,
love and a healthy buzz...
...which I've been nursing
since 5:00 this afternoon.
Nyeh nyeh nyeh.
Indians.
Oh my God.
David, I'm blowing my nose.
- God.
- Hi, honey.
- You ready?
- Do you mind?
- I don't mind at all.
- Good Lord.
Hi! Okay, can you
put it down now?
- Cheers.
- Cheers!
- Happy New Year.
- Mm-hmm!
Are you ready?
- Oh, boy.
- Um, no. I just, um...
I'm thinking that...
maybe we shouldn't
go out tonight.
You know?
The kids...
God, stop it.
The kids are fine.
They're fine. Besides, Madre,
you deserve a night out.
Yeah, but we just...
we never go out.
And that's the point.
Exactly why we should go out.
Come on.
We'll go out.
We'll go to our old stomping grounds.
We'll hit the city, we'll tear it up,
we'll have some fun,
see some old friends.
Just for one night.
Okay.
Is the babysitter here yet?
Huh-uh.
Well, maybe we should
call her, okay?
Okay.
Sorry.
How much did you drink?
Nothing.
Not anything.
Not much of anything.
- You know what happens.
- Yeah, I do,
and I don't want that.
That's gonna be
my New Year's resolution.
- Pfft.
- What?
Well, what's gonna be yours?
What's your resolution?
Secret.
Secrets are cool.
That's what we have around here, right?
Oh, yeah, okay.
That's why you don't want
to go into the city, isn't it?
'Cause you don't want to see
people we used to know.
'Cause just they might ask
that inevitable question:
"David, Clare,
how are the kids?"
Can you turn
the camera off, please?
Sure, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you turn it off?
You tell the camera
your New Year's resolution,
then you can turn it off.
Come on, I told mine.
I promise
I won't watch it.
You should turn the camera off!
The battery's gonna die!
I'm not talking into the camera.
Hello.
For you.
Ding-dong.
Yeah, I'm gonna smoke.
New Year's resolution.
Here we go.
I resolve...
I resolve to...
...not quit smoking.
I want...
I want this family to be
the family that
I thought it would be
when I thought about having
a family in the first place,
because... this isn't.
It's...
I feel like I don't
know these people.
There are strangers
in my house.
Mom, help.
What are you doing?
Oh my God!
What is this?!
- I didn't do that.
- Well, that's...
Were you rough-housing
with Daddy?
- Who hurt you? Did Daddy hurt...
- Well...
Be quiet, David!
Who hurt you?
Did Daddy bite you?
- Who bit you?
- The man.
- What man?
- The man in the closet.
January 1st, 2007,
4:06 AM.
Multiple bite marks found
on both Jack and Emily's
torso and arms.
Bites so deep they left,
for lack of a better word,
craters in their flesh.
It is worth noting,
in the interest of full disclosure,
a bit of the past
when it comes to my husband.
David was,
as a child, abused.
Abused children,
as proven by Piaget,
are predisposed as adults
to abusing their own children.
All I know is there's
a lot I don't know
about my husband.
I know he drinks more than
he should, and when he...
Oh, this is specious.
Children have
overactive imaginations.
The man in the closet
is not real,
but the bite marks are.
Who's been biting
my children?
Ooh, you're pretty.
Ooh, you look upset.
Surprise!
Happy Valentine's day, hon!
- How was Philly?
- I'm taking the kids to my mother's.
- You're doing what?
- If you want to have
a normal conversation
like two normal adult people,
I'd be happy to do that
but I am not doing this.
Our kids are not normal.
We can't move
into the middle of nowhere,
raise them in this Norman Rockwell
world, expect everything...
- nothing's changed. It didn't work!
- What's your point?
My point is that there's
something bad in this house
- and it isn't me.
- Our children are behaving badly
because they themselves have
been treated badly.
It is rudimentary cause and effect,
symptomatic of a larger problem.
I can't believe you're
a psychologist. I can't believe it.
You don't even know
your own kids are psychotic.
- Our children are not psychotic.
- They crucified the fucking cat!
Okay? They put goldfish
in a sandwich.
They put the frog in vise grips.
I saw them eating raw meat!
Obvious revolt
from two abused children.
Say it to the camera.
Say I abused our children.
- Say it to my face.
- It's not...
- Go ahead!
- I'm not gonna say it to the camera.
All right, say it to me.
Go ahead, say I abused our children.
It's not you.
It's the fucking camera.
I'm taking the children
to my mother's.
No, you're not, Clare.
Their bodies were covered
in bite marks.
- I didn't do it!
- Well, then who did,
the man in the closet?
Um, February 14th, 1:45 PM.
While the student body
of St. Walter's was attending
a St. Valentine's Day
assembly in the cafeteria,
Jack and Emily cornered a boy,
Christian McNamara, age nine,
one grade below them,
into the boys' bathroom.
Once inside,
they locked the door
and began
to bite him repeatedly.
And they just wouldn't stop.
The boy is fine,
uh, medically,
but Jack and Emily
have been expelled.
It's clear to me now
that no one
was biting Jack and Emily.
Jack and Emily were
biting each other.
This has to stop.
Emily?
Emmy?
Emily?
Hey, honey.
The shade is down.
You ready to talk to me
about what happened?
'Cause I'm ready to listen.
Why did
you hurt Christian McNamara?
Because you did
hurt him, you know.
They said that
after you bit him, he was bleeding.
You broke the skin
but you kept...
Why did you keep biting him?
This picture, this drawing that
you and Jack did,
it seems like
you had it all planned out.
You were gonna bring him into the
bathroom and lock the door, right?
Well, honey, in court,
that's called premeditated.
Why did you hurt him?
Baby, do you know how...
do you know
how in church
I talk about how for every
good thing that God does,
Satan does a bad thing?
Well, just like
there are angels on the earth,
there's also demons
and they can go everywhere.
Do you think there are
bad things in this house?
Who's the man in the closet?
Emily?
I need to talk to your father,
so would you go downstairs, please,
and please stay out of Jack's room?
Right now.
Thank you.
I'm taking the camera.
Oh, so you get to film
the children but I don't,
is that it?
It's a family camera, you know.
It's not yours.
I use it for my work.
Jack is my work.
Jack is your son.
All right, Jack,
now we're gonna do what's called
a Rorschach test, okay?
All you have to do is
look at the pictures.
Tell me what you see.
It's okay, Jack,
Mommy's not gonna get mad, all right?
You just have to look
at the pictures.
Just tell me what you see.
Okay, I'll take the pictures
back now, Jack.
Give me the pictures.
I'm beginning a...
a course in, uh,
psychopharmacology.
10mg clonidine.
Exorcism doesn't exist
for Lutherans.
Nor does it exist, really,
in practice for Catholics
or for any Christians,
for that matter.
Yellow in the morning,
white in the afternoon,
pink in the evening.
It's a practice that's deemed...
archaic.
Never ever take more
than one pill at a time.
Never ever take more
than one pill at a time.
Do you understand?
Otherwise your body will go
into what we call "a conscious coma."
We've somehow today
deemed it more palatable
to reduce John Wayne Gacy's
33 murders
to the fact that
he was abused as a child.
10mg Haldol...
10mg vesprin.
I got news for you...
there is evil
in this house.
Leave this house in Christ.
Leave this house in Christ.
Leave this house
in Christ.
Leave this house in Christ.
This is my house!
These are my children!
Leave my fucking children alone!
Get the fuck out of my house!
Leave this house
in Christ.
Leave this house
in Christ!
Stay down,
stay down!
"The children of the kingdom
will be cast into outer darkness,
and there shall be weeping,
there shall be gnashing of teeth."
Leave this house in Christ!
- David? David?
- Leave this house in...
Leave leave leave leave!
Leave leave!
Leave leave!
Leave leave!
It's okay, the evil is gone.
April 8th, 2007.
Easter Sunday.
Two months have passed.
I'm happy to report that
since my last report,
Jack and Emily's
antisocial behavior has surceased.
The Haldol and vesprin show
no negative side effects,
allowing them
to successfully reenter school.
Much to our surprise, they have
befriended Christian McNamara,
inviting him over
to hunt for Easter eggs,
proving once again
that there is no good child,
there is no bad child,
there is only diagnosis.
- And with the diagnosis, treatment.
- You're insane.
I have treated my children.
Hey, guys, what are you doing?
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Daddy!
- Hey, Mr. Poe.
- Hi, honey. Hey, Christian.
- Are my kids being good to you?
- Yeah.
- Outstanding.
- Hi, Dad.
Hey, what's going on? Hi, honey.
- How are you?
- Good.
What are you guys up to?
Are you having fun?
- Mm-hmm.
- Nice. How about this?
Is this embarrassing you?
- Yes.
- Huh?
- Okay, what are you building?
- A fort.
Yeah? You have
enough blankets to build a fort?
- Mm-hmm.
- All right, build it strong
because William Tecumseh
Sherman's coming.
Too young
for Fort Sumter jokes?
- No, I got it.
- It's not funny?
- Nah, kind of.
- Okay.
We're gonna get ready
for the Easter egg hunt.
- Okay.
- In a half an hour.
Can I see by show of hands
who wants to hunt Easter eggs?
Outstanding. Okay, we're gonna
do it in half an hour, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
- We're not wearing watches.
- Bye, Daddy!
- Bye, Mr. Poe.
- Hey, I love you.
- I love you too, Daddy.
- I love you, honey.
- I love you too.
- See you in the kitchen.
- Okay!
All right?
Cutest kids in the world.
I'm gonna do
a little recap for the kids.
10 years ago,
Easter, you and I?
Oh, Mr. Romance.
Yes, children,
your father was walking
out of a church,
looked across the quad.
He spotted your mother,
the patented
David Poe charm kicked in and...
You could almost hear it.
We got to talking.
Yeah, you got to talking.
I got to staring,
wondering what you were
doing with a Bible in your hand.
Mm-hmm, and she said
with all requisite sarcasm...
"Are Jehovah's Witnesses
and other religious types
allowed to flirt with co-eds?"
I said, "No, Jehovah's Witnesses
are not required
by law to flirt
with co-eds, however...
Lutherans are."
And I explained...
Yes, with a great deal
of condescension, I might add.
...with a great deal
of condescension
that if she had any doubts
about this fact,
that she might want to present herself
at the divinity school kegger
on Friday night at midnight
because the Theology department
at Harvard is, bar none,
party central on campus.
- That was our first date.
- It was our first date.
And you didn't think the beer
was good enough for me
- so you brought, um...
- Come.
- Um, you brought me...
- A box of wine.
- A box of wine.
- Wine that comes from a box.
- Mr. Romance.
- Johnny Romance.
And I asked you
what could
a psychiatrist and a pastor
- ever have in common and...
- I said, "Faith."
...and you said faith.
- Faith.
That the two of us, more than any other
people, could actually help people.
That's right.
And I do love you,
but I don't believe in Freud.
That's okay.
I don't believe in God.
That's okay. He believes in you.
He believes in this family.
That makes three of us.
Oh.
Hmm.
Is that a carrot in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?
As a matter of fact...
Oh my God.
...it is a carrot.
That came from
the strangest place.
- Would you like a bite of my carrot?
- You know I would.
- See?
- Why, I oughta...
Junior filmmaker bunny.
Mr. Bunny, Mr. Filmmaker.
Jack, Emily! Come on down,
it's time to hunt for Easter eggs!
That's the TV.
It's so frickin' loud.
"Frickin"'?
Yeah, I said frickin', sorry.
Jack, Emily!
Hey, the TV.
It's so loud...
- Hey, what's up?
- They're not here.
- They're not here? What do you mean?
- I don't know.
Jack?
Emily?
Oh, what's reeking?
Oh, Jack.
No.
No.
Oh God.
Because it's Easter Sunday
and our children are minors...
DCFS, against our better wishes,
has given us custody
of our children
until the court
arraignment tomorrow.
Tonight will be
their last night in this house.
Tomorrow they will be
charged as minors...
with, uh, one count of
unlawful restraint,
one count attempted murder
with a provision llI clause
of juvenile detention
until the age of 18.
Tomorrow morning,
Jack and Emily are...
Gonna go away.
Like Abraham
sacrificed Isaac,
so we must sacrifice
our children.
But even still...
I love my children.
How can I not love my son
and my baby girl?
Come on. Come on.
Honey.
- What?
- We can stop.
No.
- Come on, let's finish.
- No no no.
We're not gonna show this...
to anyone,
so we're not
talking to anyone.
We are talking
to ourselves.
Understand that?
We're talking to ourselves.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
DCFS, against our better wishes,
has given us custody
of our children
until the court
arraignment tomorrow.
Hi, and welcome to
"The Jack and Emily Show."
I'm Jack.
I'm Emily.
Let's have some fun.
You're quiet in there.
I can't even hear you,
but I know you're there.
Let's have
a staring contest.
I dare you to stare
until our movie's done.
I bet you
you can't.
- Jack!
- Please stop!
Stop! Oh my God!
Stop it!
Oh, God, please!
Jack, stop!
Jack, what are you doing?
Stop it! Stop!
Please!
And action.
Untie me, untie me.
- I'm gonna call the police!
- Untie me.
Untie me!
They cut... they cut
the phone lines.
Take the baseball bat.
- Get the fucking bat.
- What?
- Get the bat, Clare.
- Where?
It's upstairs in Jack's room.
I can't go up there.
It's dark up there.
Take the camera.
There's a light on the camera.
There's a switch on the side.
Get the fucking bat.
Where's the...
where's the light?
- It's on the side!
- How do you turn on the light?
By the handle on the side!
Clare!
Clare!
Clare! Clare!
Go! Go!
Jack! Emily!
Stop this shit right now!
You listen to your father.
Untie me.
Un-fucking-tie me!
Jack! Emily!
Jack.
All right, guys, I can see you
so you don't move, okay?
If you move, I will break every bone
in your fucking body, do you understand?
David?
David!
- Yeah.
- Do you have everything?
- Just one more bag.
- Okay.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
Are you sure?
- Honey, are you sure you're okay?
- I just have a headache.
- That's awfully bright.
- Sorry sorry.
All right, you guys. This is it.
You are leaving this house.
You are not our children.
I don't know what you are.
You stay right there. David?
David?
Oh my God. David?
Honey? Honey?
Oh my God. David?
Oh my God.
Oh my God!
Oh my God! Oh my God!
What did you do?
Oh my God.
Oh my God,
did they drug us?
Oh my God.
You fucking drugged us!
No!
Get back!
Get the fuck...!
Get back!
Help!
Help! Help!
For "Home Movie" press one.
For "Happy Easter"
press two.
What are you doing?
For a terrible
"Thanksgiving," press three.
You're confusing our children.
For "Happy Kwanzaa," press five.
I don't think so.
Aha!
Mm-hmm, happy Halloween.
Mmm, fire.
Fire.
My children have been turned
into fire-breathing dragons.
It's your mother
and she's in a horrible mood
and a birthday cake for you.
You're so scary.
# Happy birthday-slash-Halloween,
Jack and Emily #
#Happy birthday-slash-Halloween to... #
Hmmm?
Oh, yes, make a wish.
- Make a wish.
- You guys ready?
Ready?
Blow out the candles.
They're not blowing out.
Oh, she got them.
Nope, they're still lit!
- Hey hey!
- Jack!
Fire, mmm...
Five four three two one.
Ready or not,
here we come!
I'm not wearing mine either.
I'll wear yours.
I'll wear yours.
- Which way does it go?
- Any way.
No, I'm not wearing it.
- Okay, I'm not wearing yours either.
- Here.
- Hey, come here.
- What are you doing?
Oh no, oh.
Good evening...
...and welcome to haunted
ghost house sightings of...
ghosts.
They're down here.
Oh!
Ah ha ha!
Honey, I think I know
where they are.
- Where?
- Hold the camera.
- Careful.
- Baby,
if I don't make it back, I just want
you to know how much I... whoa!
I'm all right... ouch!
Are you okay?
What is it?
Nothing but a fire-breathing dragon.
Grr.
Nice!
Okay, come on, guys.
- Game over. Mommy's tired.
- Where are they?
Aha! We found them!
Okay, guys, come on.
Turn off the flashlights.
Jack and Emily Poe.
Turn off the flashlights.
- It's not good for the camera.
- Listen to your mom, guys.
- Come on.
- Such cooperative children.
Turn off the flashlights
or I'll turn off the camera.
That's better.
Oh, you got me.
Oh, you got me.
Did you just bite me?
Bringing the heat on.
Nice!
Fake out!
Now batting...
Number 31...
Jack... Poe...
centerfielder,
the Connecticut Cormorant.
All right.
Come on, you can do it!
Nice!
Aw, come on, Jack!
Whoop... oh!
Into the woods.
- Holy cow.
- Oh, rats!
- Nice hit, son.
- That was good!
Good job, baby.
Oh. Little help, hon?
- What?
- Little help.
- What do you mean?
- A little help!
- You want me to get it?
- A little help.
- You get it.
- Little help.
- My God.
- A little help.
Do I have to do
everything around here?
I'm the pitcher.
My arm, my leg...
- they gotta relax and rest.
- Your arm? My arm.
- Come on, hon.
- I got it... okay.
Okay...
Yay. Oops,
got some woods here.
Hurry up, hon!
I think I found
some poison ivy.
Makes sense.
And I just saw
a jackal... that's good.
Poison ivy, more snakes
and a jackal.
I'm, like,
so glad we just moved
to the middle of nowhere.
Hey, Em!
Have you seen
your dad's ball?
Okay, well, um...
I'm gonna go look over here.
I thought you said
you didn't see it.
Listen, how about I shoot
your guys's clubhouse, huh?
That might be cool for you guys to look
back at when you're older, right?
"No parents allowed." Hmm.
Is that all parents
or is that just me and your dad?
Ah. Okay.
Well...
I'm gonna go
watch the game.
Do you want to come?
You can ride in the wagon.
Are you playing dead?
Again, right here.
It's going right there.
I love the zoom on this.
Zoom!
Oh, big swing and a miss.
The big fella...
notice the form though?
- Very nice.
- See that?
Make a smiley face.
Good job.
- I'll take that. I'll take that.
- Whoa!
High-five, put it there.
All right, thank you.
Come on, Em!
Give your dad a hand!
- Yeah!
- Home run.
Whoo!
Good, baby, good.
Watch this guy.
One more,
one more, one more.
- Whoop!
- What was that, a rock?
What?
What?
What's the matter?
- We're done.
- What happened?
- He's throwing rocks at me.
- What?!
#Du-duh! #
#Du-duh!
Du-duh! Du-duh! #
#Du-duh! Du-duh!
Du-duh! #
Today we're going to learn
about the ancient art of raking.
Raking was first discovered
by a Chinese mountain
task force in 1802.
My lovely assistant Jack Poe
is raking today because
he's being punished for throwing
a rock at his dad's head.
What you got, Jack?
A dead bug.
This is where we employ
the notorious garbage bag technique.
And there you have it, kids.
That's our lesson for today:
Dead things go in trash bags.
Love is in the air, can you feel it?
Hmmm? Yes?
Don't let me
keep you up. Okay.
It's Friday,
November 9th, 10:30 PM.
It's Clare and I's
10th wedding anniversary...
and I'm gonna go
attempt a most dangerous stunt.
But before I go,
in case I don't come back,
Jack, I want you to know
how much I love you.
And, Emily, I love you
very very much too.
So, um, well...
this stunt is most dangerous.
I wouldn't have anybody,
uh, attempt it
if you're amateur
or if you're faint of heart.
I'm gonna go try and jump
all 206 of my wife's bones.
Okay, bye. Wish me luck.
Oh... shit!
Great. Give me this.
Happy anniversary.
You better not have
the camera in here!
I don't have the camera in here.
What do you think I am, a pervert?
Yeah!
"'The Mask of Sanity,'
by Hervey M Cleckley."
Some people
have booze. My wife has books.
- Ah... come here.
- No!
- Cheese plate?
- That's a cheese plate?
- Yes, and that's a box of wine.
- I'm not drinking wine
- that comes out of a box.
- Kiss me, elitist.
I am not an elitist.
Come on, I just moved
our family here
to the middle
of the woods six months ago.
- I'm not an elitist.
- You're an elitist.
Kiss me, elitist.
Mmm, this cheese isn't bad.
- Are you seducing me?
- Huh-uh, I would never do such a thing.
Well, um, it's too bad for you.
I can't have sex right now
because I have a lot of work to do.
- You always have work to do.
- Yeah, so we have money to spend.
- Right.
- # Money to spend. #
Aw.
Isn't this how
the Paris Hilton video got started?
No, I think it was...
Oh, you... bastard!
Oh, where's my towel?!
Oh!
You are dead!
- You are so bad.
- Bad...
do you mean like
"bad good" or "bad bad"?
I mean like bad,
nasty, evil bad.
You're supposed to be
a pastor, you know.
Yeah, I'm Lutheran,
not a Catholic.
Well, I am a doctor,
not a whore.
Say happy anniversary
- to the camera, will you?
- No.
So we have something
to remember when we're old,
decrepit and farting
all over each other.
We're not gonna be farting
all over each other. That's disgusting!
We're gonna be farting
all over each other.
We're gonna die
in a conflagration of farts.
- Yeah, your farts.
- Somebody's gonna light a match
and we're gonna go...
Not my farts.
Come on, say happy anniversary
to the camera for posterity's sake.
Happy anniversary. And now
you can take the camera out of here
because it is supposed to be for my work
because I've spent a lot of money on it.
I thought it was supposed
to be soft-core porn?
No?
- I can't believe...
- I can't believe how sexy you are.
Take your clothes off.
I thought you'd never ask!
Get in here.
Is that the dog?
- Why does he always do this?
- Hegel, fermez la bouche.
David,
please, with the camera.
I feel like I'm on
"The Real World" or something.
"The Real World"?
Where's Emily?
Oh, isn't that
the most precious thing?
It's not precious. It's weird.
It's not weird...
the two of them in bed together?
They're getting too old for this.
It's the cutest thing
I've ever seen.
"The Story
of the Dragon and the Paper Bag,"
by Micky Powell.
"Once upon a time,
in a land far far away,
there lived the most hideous
two-headed dragon
in all of history.
And this dragon had
this dream of eating
all the boys
and all the girls in town.
In fact,
'twas more than a dream...
'twas a plan.
On Halloween next,
when all the boys and all the girls
wear their paper-bag masks
to school,
the dragon decided that he was going
to wear his own paper-bag mask.
And, thus disguised,
he set forth
for the schoolyard.
On the schoolyard,
the schoolkids were surprised
by the sight
of their new student.
'You're too tall,' they said.
'You have two heads,'
said another child.
'You can't be one of us.
You must be the dragon.'
'Trust me,'
the dragon answered,
'I'm one of you.'
'Oh, yeah?
Prove it,' they said.
'Take off your mask.'
The dragon knew that
that was something that he couldn't do.
'What I can do,' he said,
'is talk like you.
I can walk like you.
Shoot, I can even
dance like you.'
'Do it,' said the children.
And, indeed,
the dragon walked,
talked and danced just like
he was one of them.
And the children
were so convinced
that they invited him to sing
their songs with them.
They invited him
to play in their games.
And when the bell rang
for lunch,
they invited him
inside to eat with them.
'Thanks,' said the dragon,
'but I prefer to eat outside.'
'Outside? ' says the children.
'But whatever will you eat? '
The dragon responded, 'You.'
And with that,
the dragon took off
his paper-bag mask,
revealing
the two hideous heads.
The children
started to scream,
but their screams were soon swallowed
inside the dragon's stomach."
That was perhaps the most
vastly inappropriate
fairy tale I've ever heard.
Hon, it's an allegory
for, you know,
"Don't trust strangers."
Good night, Steven.
Good night, Lou.
Good night, Nikolai...
commie bastard.
Hello, my name
is Dr. Clare Poe.
It is the 10th
of November, 2006.
This is video diary number one.
Patient's name: Billy Tomlinson, 11,
diagnosed with prodromal VEOS
at the Children's Hospital
in Philadelphia,
where I am currently chief resident
of the child psychiatry unit.
Patient meets all diagnostic criteria,
including disorganized speech,
alogia, catatonic features
and persistent delusions,
with no fewer than three hallucinatory
episodes in the past three months,
in which Billy claimed
there was, quote,
"a man made of nails"
living under his bed.
10mg Abilify,
10mg loxapine.
In less than a week,
this binary treatment
vanquished Billy's delusions,
sending this "man made of nails"
back to whatever synapse
misfiring he came from.
Scheduled appointment,
including blood work,
for next Tuesday, the 14th.
Hi. It's November 18th.
Hi. It's November 18th.
I'm your host David Poe,
and this is "America's Funniest,
Most Embarrassing
Home Videos."
Today the kids have
their Thanksgiving Day party at school.
Mom's dressed them as something.
We're gonna find out what.
You guys look
so cute, I'm gonna vomit.
The follies of youth
are fast forgotten, not to worry.
Unless, of course,
Dad happens to be filming them.
Listen to you.
Honey, did you make
your own lunch?
- I'm sorry, you look great.
- They look great!
Fantastic, absolutely.
What did you make?
That's... come on, please...
Give them a break.
Did you make bologna?
No? PB&J?
No? Well...
why don't we just see
what our little man
is bringing to the fourth grade
Thanksgiving feast, huh?
If he can make a sandwich,
I think you can every once in a while.
- No, I can't.
- I'm sorry.
- What'd you make, Jack?
- Oh!
Hey, boy.
On this episode of "Clare Poe:
Turkey Proctologist Extraordinaire,"
we... ooh, "Rectum?
Damn near killed 'em!"
Huh? Huh?
Jack! Emily!
I'll get 'em.
Come on, guys,
it's time to eat.
Your mom's been working
on this turkey all day.
Some apples?
Looks really good,
doesn't it?
Dear Lord...
Thank you.
Thank you for providing us
this most bountiful feast.
Most importantly, we thank you
for providing us with each other,
with love,
for this Thanksgiving
we owe to You,
our most trusted
and holy God.
Thank you for my wife,
my beautiful wife,
thank you for my children
and thank you for this life,
which is indeed blessed.
So let us pray.
Dear blessed Lord,
we thank you for the gifts that you...
What was that?
That was your children
being disrespectful.
Well, we're not gonna eat
this turkey until they pray.
- Okay.
- All right.
Dear blessed Lord, thank you for the
gifts that you have provided for us...
What are you guys doing?
- Let's just eat, okay?
- I'm serious.
We are not gonna eat
until you pray.
David, come on.
Dear blessed Lord,
please give us Your...
...that you have provided for us...
What are you guys doing?
Hi, I'm Boy Scout leader
David Poe
and you're gonna learn
about an ancient art today
called lock picking.
You won't find it in the manual,
but you will
find it here. Come on.
All right? Bobby pin?
Got it. Okay now, Jack,
first thing you wanna do:
Open up said bobby pin,
peel off the little rubber bit...
put it into the lock like so.
All right, make three circles
counterclockwise
until you feel it...
- Go like that.
There you go.
And lock picked.
Slide it to the left.
Okay, this is
the one-handed bowline.
It's a very important knot,
maybe the most essential knot.
It's un-get-out-of-able,
un-undoable
unless of course you wanna undo it
and you have two hands.
I'm gonna show you how
to do it with one hand. Ready?
Go like this...
go around the tree.
And that right there
is a bowline, all right?
I want you to do one.
Give me one second.
Emily, you watching?
Look at that. There he is.
There's old Nikolai.
Perfect.
Dad's,
Jack's.
Perfect!
Did you see that?
Emily, you're next.
Are you ready?
I scream, you scream.
We all scream for... ow!
A little help.
I thought you were
going jogging.
I did. I was.
For about three miles.
So I'm out there
in the middle of the woods
and I took a left where I usually...
anyways, there's this
inlet road there,
and off in the distance
I heard this music, right?
And it's weird,
but it sounds familiar,
so I jog a little closer
and I see this truck,
this ice-cream truck.
And I flagged him down.
He was coming toward me and I say,
"Hey, man, listen, it's a little loud
at 7:00 in the morning
for you to be playing the music
the way you're playing it.
Would you mind turning it down
a little?" He says, "No problem."
Real nice guy,
and he gives me two ice-cream cones.
How about that?
I know you don't generally have
ice cream before you go to school,
but today's an exception.
Our kids don't deserve
ice cream right now.
They deserve a lecture
from their father
because what they did was wrong.
I know you're right. I've been
thinking about that.
Here's what I thought.
Why don't we make a movie?
Spend more family time together?
John, Paul...
and George.
Sorry, Ringo!
Come on, guys, let's go!
Perfectly decent Christmas trees just
waiting for us to put an axe in them!
There you go.
#It's chilly #
#Scarf on... #
oh, please!
Who loves you?
Do you love me? Hmm?
#Sleep in heavenly peace... #
Ruh-roh.
What are you guys saying?
Doing that thing they do.
I don't like that thing.
It's like their own language.
Stop that, okay?
Can you show me what
you're drawing?
You guys, secrets aren't nice.
Honey, secrets are essential.
Our children work
for the Honduras CIA Task Force.
Where am I turning?
I don't know,
just turn up there somewhere.
- Shouldn't there be a sign?
- I don't know.
We live in the middle
of the woods, we don't need a sign
- to tell us where the trees are.
- Okay, I just farted.
Ho ho ho!
Hey hey!
No running with the saw!
Christmas tree farm!
- How could you let Jack carry a saw?
- Trees of all sizes!
I carried a saw.
My dad let me when I was 10 years old.
- It's like a coming-of-age thing.
- It's dangerous.
Hey, how 'bout this one?
That tree's, like, anorexic.
- You're a pastor.
- "American Idol," look out.
#The first noel #
#The angels did sing... #
That's almost kind of scary.
#La la la la la la la #
#You're my everything. #
"And Cain...
and Cain said to Abel, his brother,
'Let us go out in the field.'
And when they were
in the field, Cain rose up
against his brother Abel
and killed him.
Then the Lord said to Cain,
'Where is Abel your brother? '
He said, 'I do not know.
Am I my brother's keeper? '
And the Lord said,
'What have you done?"'
"So...
so... so...
so this Christmas...
let's do more than
just open gifts.
Because we are...
all of us...
our brother's keeper.
Let's follow
in Christ's footsteps.
Let's...
let's fight evil on
a daily basis because then,
and only then,
can we call ourselves
Christians,
worthy in the eyes
of the Lord."
No one wants to hear
this shit on Christmas Eve.
You just suck.
You suck...
so so much.
You suck.
Ah, hey!
Beautiful! You did it!
- We have connection?
- We have connection.
- Tell me, Santa.
- Anything, little girl.
What is the secret
to your gluteal success?
Santa uses
a Stairmaster, baby.
Mmm, nice, I like it.
- Eww, no presents for you!
- Ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho!
Come on, guys!
Rise and shine!
It's a gastrointestinal Christmas!
You're all invited to participate.
Did you bring
your whoopee cushion?
All right, guys,
who's ready for Christmas?
- All right, it's Christmas time!
- Yeah.
What do we have here?
- What is this?
- Presents!
Open 'em up.
Let's see what we got.
Oh my God!
# Can't stop it,
I just can't stop it #
#Can't stop it,
I just can't... #
#Stop it! #
#I got presents #
#So many presents. #
Super Soaker.
Ah ha ha ha!
How 'bout them apples?
- That's not fair.
- What?
Jack Mathias Poe,
put that water gun down right now.
Right now,
right this instant!
Hey hey hey...
not in the house!
Not in the house!
Ooh hoo hoo!
The game is on!
Come on, come on,
come on!
- The game is on!
- Okay, now... don't get the camera!
Not in here.
Oh!
Yesterday morning,
the 25th of December...
Christmas...
Jack and Emily crucified
the family cat.
My children need help.
As a doctor,
as their mother, it is...
My children need help.
Jack and Emily Poe, age 10.
Birthday:
October 31st, 1997.
No prenatal trauma,
no temporal lobe epilepsy
or amygdala damage.
Asperger's disorder possible,
but unlikely.
Malicious intent falls
into the category of conduct disorder,
a precursor to adult ASP
or anti-social personality disorder.
Either the MMPI or the PCL-R
will have to be administered
to test the ambit and extent of Jack
and Emily's psychopathology,
the ambit and extent of...
their malice.
Ha ha, and welcome
to another New Year's Eve,
our first here
at the Poe household.
We're gonna usher in
a year of prosperity,
love and a healthy buzz...
...which I've been nursing
since 5:00 this afternoon.
Nyeh nyeh nyeh.
Indians.
Oh my God.
David, I'm blowing my nose.
- God.
- Hi, honey.
- You ready?
- Do you mind?
- I don't mind at all.
- Good Lord.
Hi! Okay, can you
put it down now?
- Cheers.
- Cheers!
- Happy New Year.
- Mm-hmm!
Are you ready?
- Oh, boy.
- Um, no. I just, um...
I'm thinking that...
maybe we shouldn't
go out tonight.
You know?
The kids...
God, stop it.
The kids are fine.
They're fine. Besides, Madre,
you deserve a night out.
Yeah, but we just...
we never go out.
And that's the point.
Exactly why we should go out.
Come on.
We'll go out.
We'll go to our old stomping grounds.
We'll hit the city, we'll tear it up,
we'll have some fun,
see some old friends.
Just for one night.
Okay.
Is the babysitter here yet?
Huh-uh.
Well, maybe we should
call her, okay?
Okay.
Sorry.
How much did you drink?
Nothing.
Not anything.
Not much of anything.
- You know what happens.
- Yeah, I do,
and I don't want that.
That's gonna be
my New Year's resolution.
- Pfft.
- What?
Well, what's gonna be yours?
What's your resolution?
Secret.
Secrets are cool.
That's what we have around here, right?
Oh, yeah, okay.
That's why you don't want
to go into the city, isn't it?
'Cause you don't want to see
people we used to know.
'Cause just they might ask
that inevitable question:
"David, Clare,
how are the kids?"
Can you turn
the camera off, please?
Sure, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you turn it off?
You tell the camera
your New Year's resolution,
then you can turn it off.
Come on, I told mine.
I promise
I won't watch it.
You should turn the camera off!
The battery's gonna die!
I'm not talking into the camera.
Hello.
For you.
Ding-dong.
Yeah, I'm gonna smoke.
New Year's resolution.
Here we go.
I resolve...
I resolve to...
...not quit smoking.
I want...
I want this family to be
the family that
I thought it would be
when I thought about having
a family in the first place,
because... this isn't.
It's...
I feel like I don't
know these people.
There are strangers
in my house.
Mom, help.
What are you doing?
Oh my God!
What is this?!
- I didn't do that.
- Well, that's...
Were you rough-housing
with Daddy?
- Who hurt you? Did Daddy hurt...
- Well...
Be quiet, David!
Who hurt you?
Did Daddy bite you?
- Who bit you?
- The man.
- What man?
- The man in the closet.
January 1st, 2007,
4:06 AM.
Multiple bite marks found
on both Jack and Emily's
torso and arms.
Bites so deep they left,
for lack of a better word,
craters in their flesh.
It is worth noting,
in the interest of full disclosure,
a bit of the past
when it comes to my husband.
David was,
as a child, abused.
Abused children,
as proven by Piaget,
are predisposed as adults
to abusing their own children.
All I know is there's
a lot I don't know
about my husband.
I know he drinks more than
he should, and when he...
Oh, this is specious.
Children have
overactive imaginations.
The man in the closet
is not real,
but the bite marks are.
Who's been biting
my children?
Ooh, you're pretty.
Ooh, you look upset.
Surprise!
Happy Valentine's day, hon!
- How was Philly?
- I'm taking the kids to my mother's.
- You're doing what?
- If you want to have
a normal conversation
like two normal adult people,
I'd be happy to do that
but I am not doing this.
Our kids are not normal.
We can't move
into the middle of nowhere,
raise them in this Norman Rockwell
world, expect everything...
- nothing's changed. It didn't work!
- What's your point?
My point is that there's
something bad in this house
- and it isn't me.
- Our children are behaving badly
because they themselves have
been treated badly.
It is rudimentary cause and effect,
symptomatic of a larger problem.
I can't believe you're
a psychologist. I can't believe it.
You don't even know
your own kids are psychotic.
- Our children are not psychotic.
- They crucified the fucking cat!
Okay? They put goldfish
in a sandwich.
They put the frog in vise grips.
I saw them eating raw meat!
Obvious revolt
from two abused children.
Say it to the camera.
Say I abused our children.
- Say it to my face.
- It's not...
- Go ahead!
- I'm not gonna say it to the camera.
All right, say it to me.
Go ahead, say I abused our children.
It's not you.
It's the fucking camera.
I'm taking the children
to my mother's.
No, you're not, Clare.
Their bodies were covered
in bite marks.
- I didn't do it!
- Well, then who did,
the man in the closet?
Um, February 14th, 1:45 PM.
While the student body
of St. Walter's was attending
a St. Valentine's Day
assembly in the cafeteria,
Jack and Emily cornered a boy,
Christian McNamara, age nine,
one grade below them,
into the boys' bathroom.
Once inside,
they locked the door
and began
to bite him repeatedly.
And they just wouldn't stop.
The boy is fine,
uh, medically,
but Jack and Emily
have been expelled.
It's clear to me now
that no one
was biting Jack and Emily.
Jack and Emily were
biting each other.
This has to stop.
Emily?
Emmy?
Emily?
Hey, honey.
The shade is down.
You ready to talk to me
about what happened?
'Cause I'm ready to listen.
Why did
you hurt Christian McNamara?
Because you did
hurt him, you know.
They said that
after you bit him, he was bleeding.
You broke the skin
but you kept...
Why did you keep biting him?
This picture, this drawing that
you and Jack did,
it seems like
you had it all planned out.
You were gonna bring him into the
bathroom and lock the door, right?
Well, honey, in court,
that's called premeditated.
Why did you hurt him?
Baby, do you know how...
do you know
how in church
I talk about how for every
good thing that God does,
Satan does a bad thing?
Well, just like
there are angels on the earth,
there's also demons
and they can go everywhere.
Do you think there are
bad things in this house?
Who's the man in the closet?
Emily?
I need to talk to your father,
so would you go downstairs, please,
and please stay out of Jack's room?
Right now.
Thank you.
I'm taking the camera.
Oh, so you get to film
the children but I don't,
is that it?
It's a family camera, you know.
It's not yours.
I use it for my work.
Jack is my work.
Jack is your son.
All right, Jack,
now we're gonna do what's called
a Rorschach test, okay?
All you have to do is
look at the pictures.
Tell me what you see.
It's okay, Jack,
Mommy's not gonna get mad, all right?
You just have to look
at the pictures.
Just tell me what you see.
Okay, I'll take the pictures
back now, Jack.
Give me the pictures.
I'm beginning a...
a course in, uh,
psychopharmacology.
10mg clonidine.
Exorcism doesn't exist
for Lutherans.
Nor does it exist, really,
in practice for Catholics
or for any Christians,
for that matter.
Yellow in the morning,
white in the afternoon,
pink in the evening.
It's a practice that's deemed...
archaic.
Never ever take more
than one pill at a time.
Never ever take more
than one pill at a time.
Do you understand?
Otherwise your body will go
into what we call "a conscious coma."
We've somehow today
deemed it more palatable
to reduce John Wayne Gacy's
33 murders
to the fact that
he was abused as a child.
10mg Haldol...
10mg vesprin.
I got news for you...
there is evil
in this house.
Leave this house in Christ.
Leave this house in Christ.
Leave this house
in Christ.
Leave this house in Christ.
This is my house!
These are my children!
Leave my fucking children alone!
Get the fuck out of my house!
Leave this house
in Christ.
Leave this house
in Christ!
Stay down,
stay down!
"The children of the kingdom
will be cast into outer darkness,
and there shall be weeping,
there shall be gnashing of teeth."
Leave this house in Christ!
- David? David?
- Leave this house in...
Leave leave leave leave!
Leave leave!
Leave leave!
Leave leave!
It's okay, the evil is gone.
April 8th, 2007.
Easter Sunday.
Two months have passed.
I'm happy to report that
since my last report,
Jack and Emily's
antisocial behavior has surceased.
The Haldol and vesprin show
no negative side effects,
allowing them
to successfully reenter school.
Much to our surprise, they have
befriended Christian McNamara,
inviting him over
to hunt for Easter eggs,
proving once again
that there is no good child,
there is no bad child,
there is only diagnosis.
- And with the diagnosis, treatment.
- You're insane.
I have treated my children.
Hey, guys, what are you doing?
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Daddy!
- Hey, Mr. Poe.
- Hi, honey. Hey, Christian.
- Are my kids being good to you?
- Yeah.
- Outstanding.
- Hi, Dad.
Hey, what's going on? Hi, honey.
- How are you?
- Good.
What are you guys up to?
Are you having fun?
- Mm-hmm.
- Nice. How about this?
Is this embarrassing you?
- Yes.
- Huh?
- Okay, what are you building?
- A fort.
Yeah? You have
enough blankets to build a fort?
- Mm-hmm.
- All right, build it strong
because William Tecumseh
Sherman's coming.
Too young
for Fort Sumter jokes?
- No, I got it.
- It's not funny?
- Nah, kind of.
- Okay.
We're gonna get ready
for the Easter egg hunt.
- Okay.
- In a half an hour.
Can I see by show of hands
who wants to hunt Easter eggs?
Outstanding. Okay, we're gonna
do it in half an hour, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
- We're not wearing watches.
- Bye, Daddy!
- Bye, Mr. Poe.
- Hey, I love you.
- I love you too, Daddy.
- I love you, honey.
- I love you too.
- See you in the kitchen.
- Okay!
All right?
Cutest kids in the world.
I'm gonna do
a little recap for the kids.
10 years ago,
Easter, you and I?
Oh, Mr. Romance.
Yes, children,
your father was walking
out of a church,
looked across the quad.
He spotted your mother,
the patented
David Poe charm kicked in and...
You could almost hear it.
We got to talking.
Yeah, you got to talking.
I got to staring,
wondering what you were
doing with a Bible in your hand.
Mm-hmm, and she said
with all requisite sarcasm...
"Are Jehovah's Witnesses
and other religious types
allowed to flirt with co-eds?"
I said, "No, Jehovah's Witnesses
are not required
by law to flirt
with co-eds, however...
Lutherans are."
And I explained...
Yes, with a great deal
of condescension, I might add.
...with a great deal
of condescension
that if she had any doubts
about this fact,
that she might want to present herself
at the divinity school kegger
on Friday night at midnight
because the Theology department
at Harvard is, bar none,
party central on campus.
- That was our first date.
- It was our first date.
And you didn't think the beer
was good enough for me
- so you brought, um...
- Come.
- Um, you brought me...
- A box of wine.
- A box of wine.
- Wine that comes from a box.
- Mr. Romance.
- Johnny Romance.
And I asked you
what could
a psychiatrist and a pastor
- ever have in common and...
- I said, "Faith."
...and you said faith.
- Faith.
That the two of us, more than any other
people, could actually help people.
That's right.
And I do love you,
but I don't believe in Freud.
That's okay.
I don't believe in God.
That's okay. He believes in you.
He believes in this family.
That makes three of us.
Oh.
Hmm.
Is that a carrot in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?
As a matter of fact...
Oh my God.
...it is a carrot.
That came from
the strangest place.
- Would you like a bite of my carrot?
- You know I would.
- See?
- Why, I oughta...
Junior filmmaker bunny.
Mr. Bunny, Mr. Filmmaker.
Jack, Emily! Come on down,
it's time to hunt for Easter eggs!
That's the TV.
It's so frickin' loud.
"Frickin"'?
Yeah, I said frickin', sorry.
Jack, Emily!
Hey, the TV.
It's so loud...
- Hey, what's up?
- They're not here.
- They're not here? What do you mean?
- I don't know.
Jack?
Emily?
Oh, what's reeking?
Oh, Jack.
No.
No.
Oh God.
Because it's Easter Sunday
and our children are minors...
DCFS, against our better wishes,
has given us custody
of our children
until the court
arraignment tomorrow.
Tonight will be
their last night in this house.
Tomorrow they will be
charged as minors...
with, uh, one count of
unlawful restraint,
one count attempted murder
with a provision llI clause
of juvenile detention
until the age of 18.
Tomorrow morning,
Jack and Emily are...
Gonna go away.
Like Abraham
sacrificed Isaac,
so we must sacrifice
our children.
But even still...
I love my children.
How can I not love my son
and my baby girl?
Come on. Come on.
Honey.
- What?
- We can stop.
No.
- Come on, let's finish.
- No no no.
We're not gonna show this...
to anyone,
so we're not
talking to anyone.
We are talking
to ourselves.
Understand that?
We're talking to ourselves.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
DCFS, against our better wishes,
has given us custody
of our children
until the court
arraignment tomorrow.
Hi, and welcome to
"The Jack and Emily Show."
I'm Jack.
I'm Emily.
Let's have some fun.
You're quiet in there.
I can't even hear you,
but I know you're there.
Let's have
a staring contest.
I dare you to stare
until our movie's done.
I bet you
you can't.
- Jack!
- Please stop!
Stop! Oh my God!
Stop it!
Oh, God, please!
Jack, stop!
Jack, what are you doing?
Stop it! Stop!
Please!
And action.
Untie me, untie me.
- I'm gonna call the police!
- Untie me.
Untie me!
They cut... they cut
the phone lines.
Take the baseball bat.
- Get the fucking bat.
- What?
- Get the bat, Clare.
- Where?
It's upstairs in Jack's room.
I can't go up there.
It's dark up there.
Take the camera.
There's a light on the camera.
There's a switch on the side.
Get the fucking bat.
Where's the...
where's the light?
- It's on the side!
- How do you turn on the light?
By the handle on the side!
Clare!
Clare!
Clare! Clare!
Go! Go!
Jack! Emily!
Stop this shit right now!
You listen to your father.
Untie me.
Un-fucking-tie me!
Jack! Emily!
Jack.
All right, guys, I can see you
so you don't move, okay?
If you move, I will break every bone
in your fucking body, do you understand?
David?
David!
- Yeah.
- Do you have everything?
- Just one more bag.
- Okay.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
Are you sure?
- Honey, are you sure you're okay?
- I just have a headache.
- That's awfully bright.
- Sorry sorry.
All right, you guys. This is it.
You are leaving this house.
You are not our children.
I don't know what you are.
You stay right there. David?
David?
Oh my God. David?
Honey? Honey?
Oh my God. David?
Oh my God.
Oh my God!
Oh my God! Oh my God!
What did you do?
Oh my God.
Oh my God,
did they drug us?
Oh my God.
You fucking drugged us!
No!
Get back!
Get the fuck...!
Get back!
Help!
Help! Help!