Honeymoon in Vegas (1992) Movie Script
- How's my mother doing?
- Not so good today.
Why weren't you in here before?
- The doctor said...
- Screw the doctor.
Mom.
- You should save your strength.
- Jack, if I go...
Mom, you're not going to go.
If I go, I want you
to make me a promise.
- Say, "I promise. "
- I promise.
That you'll always love me.
Of course, Mom.
And you'll never get married.
Mom, no, no.
I can't promise that.
No girl could love you like I did, Jack.
You'll be unhappy. Don't do it.
Mom, don't say that.
Promise me, Jack. Never.
Mom, that's a huge thing to ask.
Mom... Mom!
Mom! Mom!
Mom, come back!
I promise I won't get married!
That's Mrs. Lupo
with the cable installer.
I'm Jack Singer, and I was hired
by Mrs. Lupo's paranoid husband,
who turned out
not to be so paranoid.
I feel for the guy. I really do.
I feel for all these people,
men and women,
the cheaters and cheated on,
sneaking around hotel lobbies
looking over their shoulders.
I'm sorry, but they only confirm what
my crazy mother said about marriage:
That it's a disaster waiting to happen.
Although my job can get depressing,
at least it's not dangerous,
and I do hear some great stories.
My wife is having an affair
with Mike Tyson.
"Mike Tyson" Mike Tyson?
Yeah.
That's her. That's Millie.
Well, she's a beautiful girl.
- When I think of the two of 'em!
- All right. Calm down. Calm down.
Let's just think this through.
Now, my first question, obviously:
- You've seen them together?
- What?
You've seen them together?
Your wife and Mr. Tyson?
- You don't believe me either!
- Of course I believe you.
- I just need a place to start.
- Everybody thinks I'm nuts!
The guys at the plant. Everybody.
They tell me she's sneaking with
Freddy Ramirez at the Sunrise Motel,
but I know it's the champ.
She wouldn't cheat with a piece of shit
like Freddy Ramirez,
beautiful girl like that.
I'm sure you're right.
Don't get me wrong, OK?
But, hey, for openers, let's say
I follow this Ramirez around...
Make sure it's not him.
- You're all the same.
- Mr. Tomashefsky.
- Nobody believes me.
- Don't just take off.
I'm sure it's hard to talk about,
but I'm a good listener!
Mr. Tomashefsky!
- Leave me alone!
- Hi, Bob.
It's not glamorous work,
that's the bottom line.
So why am I
telling you all of this?
Because I do have
an amazing story to tell
about me and my girlfriend,
Betsy Nolan.
She teaches second grade
at the Skelton School in Manhattan,
and she's the love of my life.
- I just haven't been able to marry her.
- Milton moved out?
Thursday.
I had ordered Chinese,
and he says, "Chinese again?"
Then he comes out
with his suitcase already packed!
I know David's been very quiet.
I thought that something was wrong.
Listen, Judy, if there's
anything that I can do...
Thanks. I thought it was important
that you know.
I'm so sorry.
- Bye, David.
- Bye.
- See you tomorrow, OK?
- OK.
- Bye.
- Come on, sweetie.
- I was in the neighborhood.
- What a nice surprise.
Oh. Forgot about that.
Tough day, huh?
It's so awful. And besides David,
they have a two-year old.
- That's my point.
- About what?
People get married, and then they do
the most hideous,
unbelievable things to each other.
Not all people. Come on, Jack.
That's your mother talking.
- I dreamt about her again last night.
- Was she naked again?
Hey, I only had one dream
where she was naked.
- She was vacuuming.
- Still...
It wasn't sexual.
It was about cleanliness.
She's so great.
When I play poker,
she helps with the food,
and she's funny with the guys.
Now, the ones with those pretty crowns,
they're called kings?
Kidding!
- Is she the best?
- She's the best.
Now shut up already. Let's play.
And sometimes,
if she's off from school,
she'll go out with me on a tail job.
OK, Rolexes, 35 dollars.
Downtown, they're 45.
Bada-bing, bada-bang.
- There he is.
- That's him?
That fat pig? And he has four kids?
Just a little louder.
They might not have heard you.
- I'm hungry. How about you?
- Wait a beat.
Now.
This is very hard being inconspicuous.
It's a gift. Your problem is you're much
too beautiful for this kind of work.
Me? I'm everyman.
Here we go.
Oh, God.
Ugh! This is so depressing.
But it doesn't mean that we'd
wind up like this, Jack, it doesn't.
No. It doesn't.
Jack, stop with your mother already.
I try, but I can't.
So why don't you go see a shrink?
It's too much money,
and I prefer to work it out myself.
- As long as you wait for me.
- Of course I'll wait for you.
Sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep.
Maybe you won't dream about her.
- Maybe I'll just read.
- Come here, you big lug.
A year later,
things with Betsy and me...
Well, they just started
to get very shaky.
I feel as if
I might be coming down with something.
She was finding excuses
not to come over,
and when she did,
things weren't the same.
I'm losing her.
Speaking of losing, you owe me 50
from the Notre Dame game.
- Sally, I love her.
- Love her or not, that's a different...
Sally. Villanova-Georgetown.
You want Georgetown,
you gotta give three.
- Uptown, it's two and a half.
- Cha Cha, do me a favor. Bet uptown.
Jack, if you love her, then marry her.
It's not the end of the world.
The decline, yes, but not the end.
- Thanks very much.
- Ask anybody.
- She's different.
- I repeat... Ask anybody.
- This isn't good, Jack.
- Order something else.
I'm talking about us.
- We're just going through a down phase.
- No, it's bigger than that.
I feel like I'm counting on something
that may never happen.
Jack, we have to go to the next step.
Is this, like, an ultimatum?
No, I'm just telling you
that I won't be a girlfriend forever.
There's too much that I want.
I want kids and a family.
Jack, I've got to know
what the deal is with us.
- I'm in love with you.
- And I'm in love with you.
But I need a commitment.
Life's too short.
I want to be married.
Light's green.
Let's get married tomorrow.
Let's just do it... get on a plane,
go to Vegas and do it.
Now.
- You're serious?
- I must be. My legs are paralyzed.
Oh, sweetie!
The die was cast.
If I had just said "city hall,"
the story would end here,
but I didn't, and Betsy and I
took our fateful trip to Vegas.
The man in the limo
was Tommy Korman, the gambler,
and he was about
to enter my life.
Yep. Home, sweet home.
How you doin'?
I was with two fine-looking
women last night.
One was so fine.
She reminded me of Debra Paget.
She made Debra Paget
look like a boy.
What?
Look at all these Elvises here.
It looks like a friggin' zoo.
- It's a freakin' zoo.
- Mr. Korman!
Mr. Korman, Mr. Sandwich,
Buddy Walker. Welcome to Bally's.
I've replaced Tony Carmelo.
I didn't know if you'd heard.
It escaped my attention.
I wondered if I could
have a word with you.
It's all right.
- Yeah. Sure.
- Yeah.
- Tommy, we have a small problem.
- Oh, yeah?
Penthouse A is not available, but...
Oh?
Buddy? I would like Penthouse A,
where I've stayed for 15 years,
made up for me now.
The president of Brazil is in there.
I don't care if Ming the Friggin'
Merciless is in there. Get him out.
OK?
- Will do.
- Good.
Now I shake your hand.
That's great, Buddy.
Welcome to McCarran
Field, Las Vegas, Nevada...
the family fun capital of America.
- Good luck.
- We just got here!
Oh, my God!
Oof! This is some heat.
It's got to be 110, easy.
No, but it's dry.
That's what these schmucks say.
- "150, but it's dry. "
- Yeah.
So hot you friggin' can't see straight.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Would you like chaises?
- What?
- Chaises.
- Chaises?
- Yes, sir.
- What's your name?
- Gary, sir.
Well, "Gary sir," do you understand
that there's no more ozone layer left?
That you could get arrested
for friggin' manslaughter,
lettin' people lay out here?
- You find that funny?
- No, sir.
May I have
your attention...
Here. Remember that, all right?
Thank you, sir.
- Remember Donna and her sunbaths?
- Yeah. Who knew back then?
Yeah. Who knew?
Vegas. Miami. Wherever.
She'd lay out there all day
with them Sidney Sheldon books...
and her coconut oil.
Doctor said they never saw skin
like that, like a saddlebag.
- We got a game tonight?
- No. Not yet.
- It's OK.
- Tommy...
- She was a great girl, Donna.
- Yeah.
I should've got her out of the sun.
Twelve bucks!
No air-conditioning either.
- I ain't going to tip him.
- Hound dog can't even speak English.
I gotta get a suit like that.
- That was some fighter.
- Yeah, that was some fighter.
He knocked down Holmes twice.
Twice. Hey, Tommy,
let's go say "hi," no?
- Go ahead.
- Hey, champ, how you doing?
- You look great. How you doing?
- Real good.
What about that Holmes fight
the other day? What happened?
When Holmes went...
What'd he do?
Wham.
What, what, what?
Look over there.
- It's unbelievable.
- Everything.
Her legs. It's Donna.
Look at all those Indian Elvises.
Yeah, they loved
his movie Blue Calcutta.
Come here.
This is unbelievable.
You're unbelievable.
I want to get you in that room,
tear the bedspread off...
Yoo-hoo! Can I get a room?
This is God
giving me a second chance.
There is no doubt about it.
- What if they're married?
- Look at them.
There's no way they're married.
Yikes.
Oh, my God. Jack!
- We can't afford this!
- I got a deal through Sally Molars.
120 bucks a night.
Is this great or what?
What'd you think of that mirror?
I liked it.
I never realized
I had such a beautiful, round behind.
Or was that you?
That might've been me.
It's 2:30 already.
Well, maybe we should get some lunch,
do a little gambling...
...and then get...
I'm very happy.
I want you to know that.
And I love you so, so much.
Oh, I'm glad.
Yeah. Hi. This is Jack Singer
in the Ali Baba Suite.
Yeah, you can take the "Do Not Disturb"
off my phone now. Thanks.
May I have your attention,
please. Bally's is happy to introduce...
There's a poker game
for new guests, 4:00 to 6:00.
That could be fun.
You could get a swim. I play.
- And then we're off.
- Where should we go?
They have all these chapels.
We'll just pick the most outrageous one.
Your hand is wet.
I'm nervous, but I'm OK.
I want to do this.
- Maybe we should go now.
- In this heat? It's 108 degrees.
Come on. No, no, no, we waited
this long, we should do it right.
Wait till the sun sets.
Get dressed up.
- Jack, please.
- It's not just another excuse.
Hey.
- We're here to get married.
- And to be together.
Absolutely.
So why do you have to play poker?
Let's just hang out together.
It'll relax me.
It's a fast game with some yokels.
I'll probably make enough
to pay for the whole trip.
Listen. It's right here,
$1,000 dollars in credits,
so you're, like, covered
if you get murdered on a hand.
This is just a promotional thing,
basically. Relax.
It's two hours.
Then we get married. End of story.
I don't know.
Really glad you could make it...
Jack, right?
Yeah. It's my pleasure.
You know, with all these Elvises...
Excuse me...
Excuse me, Elvises running around, no?
I haven't seen so many sideburns
since West Side Story.
That's very funny. Wait.
That's New York wit. Am I right?
New York wit?
So, Tommy, you organize this
for the hotel? The game?
Right. I'm...
I'm retired from the dress business,
and I basically play for fun.
And the hotel asked me
to help make the guests feel at home.
- So a two-hour card game.
- Nobody gets too badly hurt.
- Sure.
- Come on, come on. Let's play.
The natives are getting restless.
So we'd better get going.
Telephone call
for Betsy Nolan. Betsy Nolan.
Excuse... Jack, would you like me
to turn up the air-conditioning?
- No, thanks.
- Sure?
Yeah. I'm fine.
See the raise.
Bump 20.
Can't catch a break here.
- Get me a sandwich or something.
- Yes, sir.
- I see it.
- Well, boys...
the good Lord was kind enough
to bless me with a full boat.
Fives overjacks.
- Shit.
- Well, the King is out, boys.
I have $20 left.
I probably should go.
Personally, I think you're playing
very well. It's just some bad luck.
You're playing perfect.
Just some bad luck.
Look, guys,
I don't have this kind of money to lose.
What really concerns me here,
Jack, is you're gonna go back
to New York
with a bad feeling about Vegas.
- That concerns me.
- I really won't.
He's scared. That's natural.
Hey, look, it's not a matter
of being scared, OK?
What? It's just money?
- Yeah. It's just money.
- Well.
Tell you what. Here.
You just activated your line of credit.
Here's a thousand.
You lose it, it's on the hotel.
You win it, you pay it back. Fair?
Well, this afternoon
he wanted to play in this poker game...
that they have for new guests.
Mom, I can't hear you.
Oh, thanks.
You know,
it's like an introductory game.
I'll bet 200.
See it.
- See it.
- Well, I'm out.
See the 200 and...
Oh, God...
...raise a hundred.
Too rich for my blood.
See your hundred.
Raise you... a thousand.
This is out of control.
I'm out.
See the thousand.
- We're it, huh?
- Just us chickens.
Both.
Aces over eights.
- Shit!
- Excellent!
This is terrific.
You played that hand like,
"Forget about it," huh?
Thanks. I'm in a regular game
in the city.
Really? You got to tell me that.
I'll call you
right before the ceremony.
Like 10:30 your time.
Of course I'm excited.
What do you think?
# Well, bright
light city gonna set my soul
# Gonna set my soul on fire
- # I got a whole lot of money...
- Could you shut the fuck up?
Tony, there's absolutely no need
for that type of language here.
All right. Oh...
I raise... 500.
I fold.
Well, baby, the King must fold.
I'll see the 500...
...and I'll raise 2,000.
- You must have tremendous confidence.
- I have tremendous confidence.
Say "good night," Gracie.
A little confidence
ain't going to get it, kid.
I see the 2,500
and raise you three grand.
I think you got nothin'.
That's your constitutional right.
OK. That's the kind of game
we're going to play...
That's five to me...
...and...
I raise you 8,000.
Tommy, I thought
we were playing for fun.
This is fun.
# Wise men say
# Only fools rush in
Eddie, please.
We may have to institute
a ban on singing here.
I'll see the eight grand.
I'll raise you ten.
Can I borrow 21 grand, please?
Twenty-one grand?
You know you can buy
a friggin' Volvo for 21 grand? Turbo?
I know what I'm doin'.
- You got some guts, kid.
- It's not guts. It's realism.
There's 83 grand in there.
Jackson, what's the word?
I'll see it...
...and I'll raise you ten.
25,000 more, please.
This kid's got some set of balls.
Am I right?
My hat's off to you, kid.
My shirt too, probably,
the way you play.
To you.
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
Well, might as well
go down in flames.
What do you got?
Sorry, man.
Straight flush to the jack.
That's... That's one for the books.
To the queen.
That's a tough break.
Would you like a fruit plate?
I'm not assessing any blame here.
But the reality is that you're
in a tremendous amount of trouble.
- If I go to a loan shark...
- Loan shark?
What loan shark's
going to give you 65,000?
If you haven't got it,
there's no way you can pay it back.
If you can, give it to me.
- I can't.
- Nonpayment of debts.
That's extremely serious everywhere.
I mean, among people. Among countries,
governments... They don't give a shit.
Am I right? They stiff everybody.
But...
... individuals...
They are expected to pay debts.
Especially gambling debts.
That's the essence of gambling.
You risk something.
If you put up money
you haven't got and can't get...
That's the lowest.
People...
People can get badly injured.
Jack, I'm talking physically.
Maybe we could work out something
over a period of a couple years.
Hey, what do you think?
You're buying a damn washer and dryer?
You owe Tommy Korman $65,000,
you understand?
Look, I'll rack my brain.
It's all right. I already racked mine.
- Do you have a solution?
- I do.
I want...
...your girlfriend for the weekend.
Betsy?
How do you know Betsy?
I don't... I don't know Betsy.
I don't know her.
I saw her over there in the lobby.
See, my wife Donna...
May she rest in peace...
They look identical.
I mean, they could be twins.
Now, I'm willing
to wipe out the 65 bills...
...if you let me
spend the weekend with her.
We're getting married tonight.
No, no, no, not tonight.
After the weekend.
And, Jack,
I'll be a perfect gentleman.
I just want company.
She won't agree to this.
If she loves you,
she'll agree to this.
May I have
your attention, please.
Hi!
Bally's Casino Resort
is pleased to announce...
another $12,000 winner...
on one of Bally's
hot 97 percent dollar slot machines.
Congratulations to the winner.
What happened?
We, uh...
We have to have a serious talk.
- Are you out of your mind?
- I said you wouldn't do it.
- Is that what you really said?
- Of course. What do you think?
And he actually said, "If she
spends the weekend with me,
you owe me nothing?"
- Yes.
- I am so nauseous.
You don't think
this is totally killing me?
You know, I had this feeling when you
left, then I talked myself out of it.
- Something about this is not right.
- Listen. Just forget I mentioned it.
- There's options.
- Like what?
Neither of us has any money.
God, Jack! What did he say?
He wants me to walk around
in her clothes?
- He wasn't that specific.
- How could you put me in this position?
What do you think? I knew it was coming?
I wanted this to happen?
- I was completely blindsided.
- I still don't understand this.
You went in there with $500.
We had this whole discussion.
I had a straight flush!
Do you know what a straight flush is?
It's, like, unbeatable.
"Like unbeatable" is not "unbeatable. "
Hey, I know that now, OK?
Don't yell at me! I hate this place!
I won't sleep with him,
no matter who he is.
Are you crazy? Of course not.
That's not even a consideration.
- No?
- No!
What if he holds a gun to my head?
Betsy, he's a gambler,
he's not a gangster.
He was a garment center guy
originally.
Oh, he was a garment center guy.
Well, that's a relief.
- I'm not saying it's great.
- Look at all these families here.
Happy families.
I'm a whore, Jack.
You've made me into a whore.
Honey, you don't think this is
destroying me? I don't know what to do.
You brought me to Las Vegas,
and you turned me into a whore, Jack!
Shh! Let's just
forget about this, all right?
This is insanity,
and somehow I'll get the money.
From whom?
My parents don't have it.
"One weekend," he said.
Yes.
- I can't.
- And I don't want you to.
This is nuts!
It's eight to five
you're going to need root canal.
Ah.
Dental Health Associates.
Jack, how are ya?
I'm in the midst
of an emotional disaster here.
Sally, don't start. Just listen.
What are my chances
of getting 65 grand by 8:00 Vegas time?
Bad week here, Jack.
I got killed on the Indiana game.
That was a 12-point spread.
Who do you owe?
No shit. Hey, Sid.
Jack Singer owes
Tommy Korman 65 grand.
- He's heard of him.
- Oh, great.
I'd hate to be shacked up
with a small-timer.
You're not "shacked up. " Will you stop
making it worse than it is?
I can't make it worse than it is.
Don't screw around with him.
Has he got an alternative?
Good. Then take it.
And don't ask no questions.
Poor bastard.
# Run your fingers through my hair
and cuddle me real tight
- # Oh, let me be
- # Oh, let him be
# Oh, teddy bear...
You guys just... just...
We're fine.
- I'll be up in the room.
- OK.
Or hanging around the... casino.
Sounds great.
So, I'll see you in, like, what?
Two... two and a half hours?
Hey, tops.
This is a get-acquainted meeting.
OK...
All right.
# Like a river flows
# Surely to the sea
# Darling, so it goes
# Some things was meant to be
# Take my hand...
Here's what I think:
The game was fixed.
The game was clean. He lost.
With a straight flush?
Yeah. These... These things happen.
Do you know what the odds are? They're,
like, three billion to one against.
- I looked it up.
- You looked it up?
You look... You know what
I used to call Donna? Perry Mason.
- Whatever I said, she had an answer.
- And you resented that.
Oh, no! No, it was like a game.
Like if I said, "I want to buy a Linc,"
and she goes, "No, no, no,
buy a Cadillac, because consumers
say that the repair ratio... "
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
You know, it never ended.
- You read a lot, I bet, huh?
- Yeah. Well, I'm a teacher.
You're a teacher?
I had no idea.
- A teacher.
- Ready?
Absolutely.
Place your bets.
It's extremely important that I win.
- I'll see what I can do for you.
- Cigarettes?
Yeah. Absolutely.
# Take my hand
# Take my whole life too
# I can't help
# Falling in love with you...
Yeah, so by '85, it...
...spread all over the place.
See, that's the thing
about these melanomas.
It's just a... It's just a little piece
of skin. You lift it off like nothing.
The next thing you know,
you're taking CAT scans and...
...it spreads to the lung and the liver.
I'm sorry.
She was pretty young?
Thirty-eight.
What are you gonna do?
- Do you have kids?
- Oh, yeah. Two. Boy and a girl.
Chris and Ally.
They were teenagers then.
Chris, he's married now.
Just out of law school.
He's practicing in Boston.
And... Ally, she's at Bennington.
Fighting off her poetry professor.
She's a knockout.
Chris, you'll meet him this weekend.
- Is he coming here?
- No, he'll join us in Hawaii.
Twenty, twenty, twenty.
No. Twenty doesn't feel good.
Nineteen feels good.
No more bets.
The deal was for the weekend.
Didn't have to be Vegas.
Could be anywhere.
That wasn't my understanding.
I got a place in Kauai.
It's right on the beach.
It'll knock your socks off.
Chris'll be there, his wife, baby.
Be a real family time.
Twenty. Black even.
Place your bets.
Hi, old-timer.
Are you feeling lucky?
Actually, I'm not.
- Betsy!
- Hi.
- So what's the story?
- I have to pack.
We can leave!
What did you work out?
He's taking me to Hawaii.
- It's only for a few days.
- Come on.
You're so, like, blithe about this all
of a sudden, like you don't give a damn!
Of course I give a damn, but this
was not my idea. Poker was not my idea.
Would you please
stop crucifying me with this?
Have you seen my bag?
He's going to jump all over you
the second he gets there.
And I'll let him?
Give me a little credit.
He'll overcome you.
What happens if you start screaming?
It's like a jungle over there!
He probably has servants and bodyguards,
and believe me, they will drug you!
His son is going to be there.
His granddaughter Tiffany will be there.
She knows the kid's name already.
OK.
- Marry me tonight.
- No.
- No? Why not?
- Because I don't believe you.
If you really wanted to marry me,
you would've done it this afternoon.
Yes, this is the Ali Baba Suite.
I have some bags
that have to be brought down.
Yes, thank you.
You were looking
for a way to get out of this.
I mean, you don't have to be Freud
to figure that one out.
I was not looking!
Listen... You'll be back Monday?
I don't know.
Probably Tuesday or Wednesday.
Tuesday or Wednesday!
That's almost a week!
What, you expect us to fly
back and forth to Hawaii in two days?
"Us"? Already it's "us. "
Don't be infantile!
I'm trying to make the best of this!
Well, you're doing great!
Hey, Mr. Straight Flush.
We got a free seat.
- Where's Tommy?
- He just left for Hawaii.
What are you talking about, just left?
The phone rang.
They said the car was ready.
What? He left already?
I don't know about this.
See, you gotta
think about it like this:
You're doing this
to get Jack off the hook.
And your going away makes him realize
how nuts he is about you.
And he appreciates you double
when you come back.
He agreed to this,
so he's got to be... what?
- Ambivalent?
- Yeah. Right.
Stop! No!
Much of the guesswork
is removed from poker
with any of the following hands:
A full house, four of a kind,
or the emperor of all hands:
The invincible,
unbeatable straight flush.
I have to get out of here.
This is amazing.
Ah... Thank you.
I like it.
It's a place
for quiet reflection. Niko...
See, I said to him,
"How's the weather?" in Hawaiian...
and then he said,
"Great. It's in the 80s. Low humidity. "
- He doesn't speak English?
- Fluently, thank you.
Welcome to Hawaii.
You know, Mr. Korman
is like a god over here.
Hey, Niko, please.
You're really embarrassing me here.
I don't believe this.
This... This'll be your room.
God, this is breathtaking.
I...
I rebuilt it about a year ago.
My home by the sea.
You can probably
knock off the Hawaiian now.
Oh?
- I've impressed you enough, then?
- More than enough.
God. I've been to the Caribbean...
The Caribbean? You know who goes
to the Caribbean? Dentists.
That's who goes to the Caribbean.
- It's so beautiful.
- Yeah.
You know, we have a...
We have a name
for this time of day here.
Waka-waka?
It's close.
Time of enchantment.
What did I tell you?
- You got this in the mail?
- Under my door at home.
Mr. Tomashefsky, it's a joke!
I mean, it's not even close.
Of course you'd say that. You thought I
was nuts when I come in here originally.
Now, I got hard evidence.
Here.
Look for yourself.
Believe me.
I have no ax to grind here.
I think your pals at work
are having a little fun with you.
You don't know what it's like.
You don't know what it's like...
...to have the woman you love
off with someone,
and you can't do
a goddamn thing about it!
Some smooth talker
with his greasy hands all over her!
Coming up behind, grabbing her.
Her, laughing and laughing...
Her head thrown back!
Him... leaning against her...
...this creepy smile on his face.
A smile she can't even see!
Soon, he starts moving his hands
around her...
...grabbing her...
...touching her...
...fondling her, groping...
Shut up!
Are you trying
to give me a heart attack?
Yeah, hi, operator. I need
a listing for a Tommy Korman
or a T. Korman in Kauai.
"Where in Kauai?"
I have no idea.
There are sections of Kauai?
Uh-huh.
Well, no. Not off the top of my head.
What about near where
Don Ho or Jack Lord lives?
That must be
a pretty good neighborhood.
Yeah. OK. I see. Well, thank you!
It's not just because
you look like Donna.
- Oh, it has to be.
- No. It was.
I mean, it was.
But it's not anymore.
I mean, for one thing,
you're a lot smarter than she was.
God forgive me for saying that.
Look. I've got to say
something else too.
You're pissin' your life away
on a guy that can't pull the trigger
on marrying you.
We were gonna get married.
With me, I'd have gone right from the
airport to the chapel to marry you.
- What did he do?
- You have to understand Jack.
This man, he decided to play poker.
That's what this man did.
- He had a very strange mother.
- He played poker.
He's a...
He's a great... a great guy, I'm sure.
I'm just sayin'...
I'm just sayin' think about it
before you marry him.
- Just...
- Hey, Dad! Dad!
- There are the kids.
- How far is Mount Kilauea from here?
It's on the other island. Why?
We heard it's erupting.
We gotta go. We gotta go.
Listen.
Did I upset you?
Because if I did, I...
No. I mean, you touched a nerve.
Look. It's just,
Jack is very complicated.
Yeah.
You see, I've known guys
like him my whole life.
Decent, good guys.
They're real good guys.
But they cause a lot of heartache.
I don't think you deserve that.
I think you deserve a lot better.
Winds out of the northwest
at seven miles per hour.
It's currently cloudy
with a chance of...
Take a look, everybody.
The Oleg Cassini men's...
Mother Nature
put on a show yesterday...
as Hawaii's Mount Kilauea erupted.
We have a report from Connie Wong.
Mount Kilauea,
dormant for the past eight years...
erupted last night
with spectacular force.
Rivers of fire streamed down from
the volcano beginning around midnight,
and word spread quickly
throughout the islands.
Natives and tourists alike
thronged to the base of Mount Kilauea
to watch nature's fury unleashed...
with awe-inspiring force.
Government officials stress no one was
in immediate danger from the eruption.
If I take the 7:00 p. m.,
I get to Milwaukee when?
- 8:35.
- 8:35. And that's Central Time?
Yes, sir.
Now, would it be any cheaper
if I stop in Nashville?
- Same price, sir.
- I hold an AAdvantage card.
That won't make any difference
in the price.
Sir, there seems
to be a very long line.
- Tell me again about the Super Saver.
- There are several restrictions.
What's this guy doing?
Around the world in 80 days?
- Lighten up.
- You lighten up.
You can only fly on a Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday...
That's it. Look. Look.
I've got a major problem.
OK? My fiance was kidnapped
and taken to Hawaii.
I've got to get there now.
Well, I'm trying to make arrangements
to get to Milwaukee...
for my nephew Douglas's wedding
on the 21st.
You're not even flying today?
No. Consumer Reports said
if you make your travel arrangements
two weeks in advance at...
You see this line?
We're all flying today.
- Sir, if you don't get back in line...
- Then what?
I'll be arrested? Put in airport jail?
Just get your ticket and move on.
Get your goddamn ticket and move on!
Yeah!
The whole point of the game
was me? Getting me here?
All right.
Why keep it a secret any longer?
My heart's on my sleeve.
From the minute I saw you
in that lobby, I knew...
- So you sort of lied to me.
- How's that?
I understood that this was like
a settlement of the game,
when, in fact, it was
the whole reason for the game.
Yeah. So? Aren't you flattered?
You told me
the game was legitimate.
The game was legitimate.
But, I mean,
I play cards professionally,
and no amateur's gonna beat me.
That's what I had to do to get you.
If I was a medieval knight,
I'd have jostled for you.
Jousted. That's jousted.
Jousted. Whatever the hell they did.
Look, if that is
your preoccupation here...
If you want to leave tomorrow
instead of Wednesday,
believe me, I understand.
I'll call and make reservations.
- No.
- "No?" No calls?
No. No, I'm having a wonderful time.
It's just, you know, this is...
It's just a little overwhelming
to be pursued like this.
Well, no one ever...
...ever was as crazy
about you as I am.
I mean, it's up there with...
...Romeo and Juliet,
George and Gracie... All the big ones.
I'll take care of you forever.
I would throw myself
in front of a train for you.
Just stop me at any time.
Was that wrong?
It didn't feel wrong to me.
I don't know.
It's OK, honey.
Let me see here.
- What are you doing?
- She's got a great spitball.
That's a tremendous natural athlete.
- Yeah?
- Telephone, Mr. K.
- Do you want to hold her?
- Yes.
- Can I hold you?
- Yes.
Oh, hey. That's great
how she goes to you like that.
I can't believe it. She doesn't
go to people like that.
Gimme.
What's the story?
Bad news.
He's on the morning flight in.
I'm surprised
and I'm not surprised.
Look. All right. We gotta keep him
away from here for at least a day.
How 'bout a nice hit-and-run?
Look, no violence.
Unless it's absolutely
necessary, all right?
Just stall,
and get the chief. Get Mahi.
Just take care of it.
Look, I'm getting very close
with her, you know?
And if he shows up over here,
it's over, and...
Are you goddamn eating again?
No, I swear, I'm not eatin'.
He checked out Sunday?
At 8:07.
Can I help you
with any future reservations?
- No, thank you.
- Thank you for calling Bally's.
Come on, come on, come on.
Hi, this is Jack Singer.
Sorry I can't take your call now,
but if you'd leave your name
and number, I'll get right back to you.
Shit!
Hey, Mahi,
will you pay some attention?
This guy, Jack Singer's
six-one, about 180.
He's coming out of that terminal.
Keep him away from Tommy's all right?
I don't care where you take him.
Just keep him away from Tommy's.
- Sure.
- All right, Mahi.
Hey, brother, you like ride?
Yeah, I need a ride,
but I don't know where yet.
- I take your bag.
- Thanks.
My name Mahi.
Mahi Mahi.
- Like the fish?
- Yeah. My father was a fisherman.
My father left home when I was five.
That's why I'm named Jack.
As in "Jack, tell your mother
I'm going to get the paper. "
- I gotta make a couple calls.
- Hey, Jack, Jack.
Where you like go?
Tell me. I take you anywhere.
Do you have any idea where a guy
named Tommy Korman lives?
Sure. Everybody know that.
You're kidding?
- No, it's a small island.
- This is great.
Thought I was going to have
to go through a whole number.
- Cab's over here.
- All right.
Welcome to Kauai.
You like this, Jack?
Beautiful, huh? So romantic.
The women, when they come here,
oh, they get crazy.
They like "freaky-freaky"
all night long.
That's really great news.
We almost there?
Yeah. Right up here
about a mile and a half.
This can't be it.
Tommy Korman lives here?
Korman?
I thought you said "Orman. "
You know, Chief Orman.
I didn't say Chief Orman.
I said Tommy Korman,
loud and clear. Come on!
I fly for two goddamn days,
I haven't slept, I can barely walk!
That goes double for me, chief.
There was a little mix-up here.
Listen, Mahi.
I don't have time
for this horseshit!
Hey, Jack, no make insult
for the chief, OK?
This man get plenty influence
in this place.
"Influence"?
He lives in a shack!
He's a man of great simplicity.
Come on. You spend
ten minutes with the guy, OK?
If you don't do that, the word
gonna get around Kauai so fast.
Next thing you know,
ain't nobody gonna help you, brother.
- Parakeet brandy.
- Are you serious?
- You are from mainland?
- That's right.
Do you find Chief Orman attractive?
Uh... You're
a striking-looking figure.
If by "attractive"...
Hey, chief.
He looking for a man
named Tommy Korman.
If you know where he is...
Have you seen the musical
Grand Hotel?
I... I don't go
to the theater that often.
Do you know if it
will come to Kauai?
I don't, really, but I'll
ask around when I get back.
Now, could you tell me...
Did you hear me before
about Tommy Korman?
Chief Orman favorite is,
of course, South Pacific.
- Well, everybody loves that one, chief.
- Oh, everybody.
# Happy talk
# Keep talking happy talk
# Talk about things you like to do
Mr. Korman. Welcome back
to the Kauai Club.
- Great to see you again.
- Thanks. How are you?
Real good. Doin' real good.
This is Betsy.
This is my friend Nahoo.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Nahoo, Betsy. See you.
Bye-bye. Striking resemblance
to the first Mrs. Korman.
# Bali Ha'i
# Will call you
# On the wind
# Of the sea
# In your heart
- Where's the bathroom?
- # You hear it call you
- Over there.
- Gotta get out of here!
# Come to me
Come to me
Orman getting senile.
Used to do only one number.
- Get me to a phone.
- Now?
Right now.
You have a problem with that?
No, no. Just, on this side,
so many beautiful things to see.
- Really?
- Yeah.
We got the five reflecting pools
of Maaoma.
The five pools are here?
- Yeah.
- Jesus!
- Come. We go.
- What are we waiting for?
- Oh, shit!
- What?
My keys must have fallen out
when I was in the bathroom.
- Could you do me a monster favor?
- No worry nothing. I get 'em.
You're the best.
- Everybody here is so friendly.
- Hey!
Don't say anything.
This wasn't Donna's?
What? God, no.
This is, uh, Betsy's.
It's so beautiful.
Really, I mean...
I've never gotten
anything remotely like this.
I just... I can't accept it.
I want to marry you.
I mean, like, tomorrow.
I can't just marry you.
Why not?
'Cause we just met?
Well, yes.
Look... Just listen to me.
You know, life is so...
what... very short.
We all think too much.
We don't act on our,
you know, impulses.
Korman's address is near Kapaa?
Is it "Kapa-a-a" or "Kapa-a-a-a"?
Is it two "A"s?
Is it A-A-A or A-A?
Two "A"s. OK, thank you.
No, I'm in Waimea.
Listen... I have to get back
to my real life.
This is just way too much
for me to handle.
- Betsy, I love you.
- Tommy...
Oh. I want you in my life.
I want to be married.
- I can't marry you like this.
- Like what?
Like this.
Like just jumping into it.
It just doesn't make any sense,
and there's Jack, too.
I can't just turn around
and marry someone else.
There's stuff to work out with him.
There's feelings there.
What?
The man put you up
in a card game.
No, not really.
You made an arrangement.
I wanted cash. He put you up.
What are you talking about?
Mr. Korman and Miss Nolan
are where exactly?
The Kauai Club.
It's about 20 miles down this road.
- Thanks very much.
- Are you a friend of Dad's or Betsy's?
Both, actually.
They're really great together.
It's so good to see Chris's dad in love.
Yeah, well, that's just
so wonderful to hear.
- OK.
- Goodbye.
I thought that it was your idea.
You told me that you arranged a game.
- You saw me in the lobby...
- Yes, honey. Listen.
I told you that to protect you.
Because I love you so very much.
Honey, and the truth was so...
...horrible!
It embarrassed me.
He put you up like a...
...like a ring, like a watch.
That's how cold it was.
I can't believe it.
Maybe he was frantic.
Listen, people get frightened.
They do crazy things.
He was so terrified
of marrying you.
Come on, that's unfair.
He didn't have $65,000.
What...
That's what he owed you.
He owed me $3,000.
What?
Honey, look.
The man's a head case. He's a head case.
But we all make mistakes.
Life goes on.
He did this for $3,000?
Honey, don't. Please, darling.
Don't torture yourself like this.
Let's just fly to Vegas and...
...get married
and go on with our lives.
I need to be alone for awhile.
Keep it close by.
Betsy!
Betsy!
Betsy!
Get off!
Get off me!
What the hell are you doing here?
We had a deal.
We never said Hawaii.
Get off me.
We never didn't say Hawaii.
Look, you want to stay
on the island, fine.
But you stay the hell away
from her or give me 65 thousand.
I've got it.
I brought it with me.
No. That's bullshit.
You never wanted the money.
You wanted her!
Get off me! Somebody!
Help! Get off me!
- Betsy!
- He's crazy!
Betsy!
- Get him out of here!
- Betsy!
Betsy!
Come on. Don't.
You're making a big mistake.
Listen to me.
My girl's out there. My wife!
You OK?
- That was the weirdest thing.
- What?
It was like Wuthering Heights.
I thought I heard my name
being called in the wind.
It sounded like Jack.
Can you believe that?
Yeah. I used to think
that I heard Donna calling...
Almost shouting.
It's very spooky.
It's the shape of the rocks
or something. It echoes.
- It's so strange.
- Yeah.
So what do you think?
I'm gonna want children very soon.
You just tell me when, sweetheart.
Having children
with you would be heaven.
Then let's do it. I want to.
Are you sure this is not
a reaction to what I told you?
No, no, I want
to get on with my life, Tommy.
I want to get married.
To me?
Yes.
I'm shakin' like a leaf.
Look, I have to make
a phone call now!
You're kidding me!
You're in a Hawaiian clink?
- Vito, you believe that?
- Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Vito's in the chair.
He can't believe it.
Listen. The bail is five grand.
OK, let me work on it.
But, Jack, listen to me.
Make sure you ask approval
to leave the state.
Otherwise you'll be stuck there
even if you make bail.
OK, but, Sally,
as fast as you can, please.
Just seeing her there,
staring at the ocean...
I know that look, man.
She's doing some serious thinking.
Well? Ready?
This is really such a great spot.
We'll be back real soon.
- Thanks.
- I want to say one thing, ma'am.
Anybody who would put you up
for $3,000...
Hey, Niko,
what's the matter with you?
- Sorry.
- That's all right. Really.
- Sorry.
- Jesus.
Perfect.
Don't tell me
you still want the cab fare.
Nah. I dropped the charges.
I feel sorry for you, man.
I don't want your pity.
Just take me to Korman's house. Korman.
No do you any good.
Him, your girlfriend,
both went back Vegas.
Gonna get married.
Married?
Married.
Hey, Jack.
Jack, Jack.
- Good luck, brother. Hey.
- Thanks.
Always remember:
It means, "Always have the good words
come out of your mouth. "
That just doesn't help me at all,
but I appreciate the thought.
Aloha, brother!
Hello.
I gotta get on
the next flight out of here.
The next flight out of here
goes nonstop to...
Auckland, New Zealand.
New Zealand?
No, I gotta get to the States.
We are a state.
The mainland, OK?
I gotta get to Vegas.
Well, the Los Angeles flight
left Honolulu 20 minutes ago.
Shit!
- When's the next flight out of here?
- Tonight at 8:30.
Ma'am, I'll be sucking
on an exhaust pipe by then.
Just get me anywhere where I can get
a connecting flight to Las Vegas.
You know, you shouldn't live...
... where Donna lived.
I don't think that's fair.
So, I was thinkin'...
...we buy a place
in Westchester or Connecticut.
I can't think about that yet.
That's OK. I'll think about it.
You sit back and you relax.
OK, sweetheart?
Congratulations to the two of you.
Penthouse A is ready.
That's great, Bud. I appreciate it.
Mr. Korman's getting married.
Don't take too long with the makeup.
I like you au naturel.
Don't worry.
You don't need any, anyway.
He left Kauai.
But he couldn't get an LA flight.
So where is he?
- San Jose.
- San Jose...
San Jose. Well...
Who do we know
at the airport in San Jose?
- Frankie Cargo.
- Give him a phone call.
Go on.
- This flight is history?
- Yes.
Apparently there's
bad weather in El Paso.
- Hail the size of golf balls.
- I don't care about El Paso.
- How do I get to Vegas?
- Well, let's see.
There's a 9:00 p. m. Flight
into Los Angeles.
It arrives at 10:15...
And then you can just take
a 12:35 flight into Vegas.
- That's it?
- Until tomorrow morning, yes.
Oh, man.
Attention, Pakistani,
Indian and Malaysian Elvises:
Your bus to the Grand Canyon
is leaving in eight minutes.
...when the beeper goes off. Thanks.
Hi, Jack, it's me.
I'm back in Vegas with Tommy.
I tried you when I was in Hawaii,
but you were never there, so...
Look, Jack, here's the thing. I don't
know why you lied to me about the game.
All right? I don't know,
but I suppose I can guess.
The worst part about this
is I don't know where you are.
I don't know and I can't
speak to you direc...
Ladies and gentlemen.
For your convenience,
we have immediate seating available...
I'll go crack open the champagne.
Are you always
going to keep me waiting?
That's a joke.
You can keep me waiting anytime.
Vegas! Anybody going to Vegas?
Las Vegas! Anybody!
Anybody, Vegas!
Are you guys going to Vegas
by any chance?
Yeah! We sure are. You need a lift?
- Oh, desperately.
- You done this before, son?
Yeah, yeah, sure. I love
these little planes. They're great.
Oh, come on. Hop aboard.
You'll have a good time.
We got a new one, boys.
Come on in there.
Let's go. Let's go!
Could we talk?
- Sure, we could talk.
- No, back inside.
Please?
You ready, Zeke?
Ready!
Hey, all right.
What's your cape size, son?
- What's my cape size?
- Uh-huh.
Forty regular.
What's with the parachutes?
You're gonna find out as soon as
you strap one on, I guarantee you.
For such a short flight, it seems
like you're being overcautious.
I don't know. It's just a hunch, but...
Son, we're skydivin'.
You're skydiving?
We're the Flying Elvises,
Utah chapter.
Roy Bacon, director, at your service.
Listen, if you could just drop me.
Oh, yeah, we'll sure drop you!
This is a panic attack.
Why does it have to be so soon?
Well, honey, you know,
I told you there comes a time when...
I'm not ready.
Nah. You just think you're not ready.
No, I'm not ready.
I say we wait a few weeks.
You know? A month.
We, we get to know each other better.
OK... Look, I'll give you
half a million dollars
if you marry me today. Cash.
And if things don't work out,
we split up, you keep the money.
You're joking.
About money, I, I neverjoke.
Screw you.
Please. Don't ever turn
your back on me. Ever.
Weekend is over.
Don't grab me like that.
You are being rude to me.
In the lobby of the Bally Hotel,
you are being rude.
Get out of my sight.
Hey!
A million. Now, be a realist.
This is a no-lose deal for you.
I get a million dollars?
Yeah. That's correct.
You're unbelievable.
It would be very irresponsible
of you to turn this down.
- Tommy...
- Hey.
Your answer...
...is yes.
I have to go to the bathroom.
OK, come on.
I'll go with you.
I need to be alone
for a couple of minutes.
OK. You got five minutes,
and then we get married.
Listen.
You said, "Yes, I will marry you. "
That's a promise.
When people make promises
to Tommy Korman, they keep 'em.
You understand?
- Yes, I do. Yes.
- Hmm?
You got five minutes.
She's comin' up here?
I thought you left already.
No. Just stay close to her,
all right?
Where is he?
Ooh, boy, that music
gets the adrenaline going, don't it?
- We jump out at what altitude?
- Three thousand feet.
And these chutes are foolproof, right?
Well, as the King his own self said...
they ain't nothin' in this
whole wide world foolproof,
exceptin' Coupe DeVilles and hookers!
Let me get this straight.
I pull this?
No, boy, you pull
the other one first,
that being your main chute.
Then if that chute don't open,
you reach over and pull the red one,
that there being your auxiliary chute.
Yellow, then red. Yellow, then red.
- You got it.
- OK, OK. Now...
If, by any chance, I get flustered
when I'm hurtling through space...
and I pull the red one first?
Oh! Then you gonna wind up
lookin' like a well-done chili burger.
They gonna have to
shovel you into a coffin.
But you can do it, son. You can do it!
All right, fellers.
It's just about show time!
Yellow, then red.
Yellow, then red.
She never came up.
- Go find her.
- Where?
I don't know. Try outside.
Six minutes until the Flying
Elvises make their historic jump.
Elvises, rise!
Yellow, then red.
Yellow, then red.
Yellow, then red. Yellow, then red.
Yellow, then red. Yellow, then red.
Where you going?
Ladies and gentlemen
Roy Bacon and his Flying Elvises
are approaching Bally's.
- All eyes to the sky!
- Elvis!
OK, OK.
She's somewhere in the basement.
So, tell me, what are you
doing in the lobby?
- I'm keeping you informed.
- Go get her! Go get her!
Moron.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Flying Elvises
have entered Las Vegas airspace
and will jump in one minute!
One minute!
Elvises, light your fires!
Betsy! Betsy! Betsy! Betsy!
That's it.
Look at them up there!
Elvises, head 'em up
and move 'em out!
Here they come!
Excuse me.
Never before have so many
Elvises been airborne!
Let's give them
a real Las Vegas welcome
and pray that they make it
safely to Earth.
You know you pull the red one,
then the yellow one!
No, he said yellow, then red!
No! He was just kidding!
Lyle, come on, Lyle!
- Good luck!
- Wait a minute!
- I was just kidding.
- You were or Roy was?
He was.
Our brave Elvises of the sky
are wearing specially designed
electric jumpsuits
made to the King's
own specifications.
Each suit is valued
at over $10,000.
Here they come!
They're crossing the Dunes.
Then they're headed home to Bally's.
One last time! Yellow, then red?
Betsy! Betsy! Betsy! Betsy!
Yee-haw!
Roy Bacon has opened his chute.
Only one to go!
Yellow! Red! Pow!
The last chute is open!
That's good. That's great.
I'm not gonna die.
Don't look down.
Here comes our first Elvis to Earth.
Tommy Joe Smithers
of Provo, Utah.
Our second Elvis,
from Elko, Nevada...
Walter Peeblinger!
God, don't let me land
on anything sharp.
Left, toggle left.
Right, toggle right.
The wind currents are picking up!
Watch it up there,
brave Elvises of the sky!
Steady, boy.
Here we go.
That's good. OK.
Here they come.
From Tucson, Billy Braker!
From Salt Lake City,
Lyle Davis and Vern Poole.
And our newest Flying Elvis
from New York City...
making his maiden jump,
Jack Singer!
Let's give a real
Las Vegas welcome
for our heroic young man,
Jack Singer!
Welcome to Earth,
brave Elvises!
- Miss, stay back.
- Please.
Jack!
- Betsy!
- Jack!
Betsy!
Did you marry him?
Jack! You jumped out of a plane!
His kid said you were gonna
marry him today.
Did you get a job here?
I couldn't find you.
I didn't know how to reach you.
I was flying day and night.
I was going everywhere.
Hawaii, jail... I saw you on the beach.
I was screaming your name.
He said that was the wind.
I was so stupid.
I can't find her.
It's over. Son of a bitch
jumped out of a plane.
What?
He said you only lost 3,000.
- What?
- And I believed him.
Then I realized, I said,
"What, am I nuts? I can't marry him. "
Elvis!
And then you jumped
out of a plane for me!
You could've died.
I didn't want to live
if I couldn't have you, baby.
Go take a hike.
- Now?
- No, next Thursday.
Yeah, now. Go set up a game.
I'll just grab a bite.
- Go!
- All right, all right.
I dreamt about my mother again
last night.
Was she vacuuming naked?
No. She opened her eyes, and I said,
"Mom, I'm gonna marry that girl,"
and she smiled.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Of course, she was naked.
Jack and Betsy,
you have declared your desire
to unite yourselves
with each other in marriage.
- This is correct?
- Yes.
True matrimony is...
Oh.
Yee-haw! Whoo!
- Not so good today.
Why weren't you in here before?
- The doctor said...
- Screw the doctor.
Mom.
- You should save your strength.
- Jack, if I go...
Mom, you're not going to go.
If I go, I want you
to make me a promise.
- Say, "I promise. "
- I promise.
That you'll always love me.
Of course, Mom.
And you'll never get married.
Mom, no, no.
I can't promise that.
No girl could love you like I did, Jack.
You'll be unhappy. Don't do it.
Mom, don't say that.
Promise me, Jack. Never.
Mom, that's a huge thing to ask.
Mom... Mom!
Mom! Mom!
Mom, come back!
I promise I won't get married!
That's Mrs. Lupo
with the cable installer.
I'm Jack Singer, and I was hired
by Mrs. Lupo's paranoid husband,
who turned out
not to be so paranoid.
I feel for the guy. I really do.
I feel for all these people,
men and women,
the cheaters and cheated on,
sneaking around hotel lobbies
looking over their shoulders.
I'm sorry, but they only confirm what
my crazy mother said about marriage:
That it's a disaster waiting to happen.
Although my job can get depressing,
at least it's not dangerous,
and I do hear some great stories.
My wife is having an affair
with Mike Tyson.
"Mike Tyson" Mike Tyson?
Yeah.
That's her. That's Millie.
Well, she's a beautiful girl.
- When I think of the two of 'em!
- All right. Calm down. Calm down.
Let's just think this through.
Now, my first question, obviously:
- You've seen them together?
- What?
You've seen them together?
Your wife and Mr. Tyson?
- You don't believe me either!
- Of course I believe you.
- I just need a place to start.
- Everybody thinks I'm nuts!
The guys at the plant. Everybody.
They tell me she's sneaking with
Freddy Ramirez at the Sunrise Motel,
but I know it's the champ.
She wouldn't cheat with a piece of shit
like Freddy Ramirez,
beautiful girl like that.
I'm sure you're right.
Don't get me wrong, OK?
But, hey, for openers, let's say
I follow this Ramirez around...
Make sure it's not him.
- You're all the same.
- Mr. Tomashefsky.
- Nobody believes me.
- Don't just take off.
I'm sure it's hard to talk about,
but I'm a good listener!
Mr. Tomashefsky!
- Leave me alone!
- Hi, Bob.
It's not glamorous work,
that's the bottom line.
So why am I
telling you all of this?
Because I do have
an amazing story to tell
about me and my girlfriend,
Betsy Nolan.
She teaches second grade
at the Skelton School in Manhattan,
and she's the love of my life.
- I just haven't been able to marry her.
- Milton moved out?
Thursday.
I had ordered Chinese,
and he says, "Chinese again?"
Then he comes out
with his suitcase already packed!
I know David's been very quiet.
I thought that something was wrong.
Listen, Judy, if there's
anything that I can do...
Thanks. I thought it was important
that you know.
I'm so sorry.
- Bye, David.
- Bye.
- See you tomorrow, OK?
- OK.
- Bye.
- Come on, sweetie.
- I was in the neighborhood.
- What a nice surprise.
Oh. Forgot about that.
Tough day, huh?
It's so awful. And besides David,
they have a two-year old.
- That's my point.
- About what?
People get married, and then they do
the most hideous,
unbelievable things to each other.
Not all people. Come on, Jack.
That's your mother talking.
- I dreamt about her again last night.
- Was she naked again?
Hey, I only had one dream
where she was naked.
- She was vacuuming.
- Still...
It wasn't sexual.
It was about cleanliness.
She's so great.
When I play poker,
she helps with the food,
and she's funny with the guys.
Now, the ones with those pretty crowns,
they're called kings?
Kidding!
- Is she the best?
- She's the best.
Now shut up already. Let's play.
And sometimes,
if she's off from school,
she'll go out with me on a tail job.
OK, Rolexes, 35 dollars.
Downtown, they're 45.
Bada-bing, bada-bang.
- There he is.
- That's him?
That fat pig? And he has four kids?
Just a little louder.
They might not have heard you.
- I'm hungry. How about you?
- Wait a beat.
Now.
This is very hard being inconspicuous.
It's a gift. Your problem is you're much
too beautiful for this kind of work.
Me? I'm everyman.
Here we go.
Oh, God.
Ugh! This is so depressing.
But it doesn't mean that we'd
wind up like this, Jack, it doesn't.
No. It doesn't.
Jack, stop with your mother already.
I try, but I can't.
So why don't you go see a shrink?
It's too much money,
and I prefer to work it out myself.
- As long as you wait for me.
- Of course I'll wait for you.
Sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep.
Maybe you won't dream about her.
- Maybe I'll just read.
- Come here, you big lug.
A year later,
things with Betsy and me...
Well, they just started
to get very shaky.
I feel as if
I might be coming down with something.
She was finding excuses
not to come over,
and when she did,
things weren't the same.
I'm losing her.
Speaking of losing, you owe me 50
from the Notre Dame game.
- Sally, I love her.
- Love her or not, that's a different...
Sally. Villanova-Georgetown.
You want Georgetown,
you gotta give three.
- Uptown, it's two and a half.
- Cha Cha, do me a favor. Bet uptown.
Jack, if you love her, then marry her.
It's not the end of the world.
The decline, yes, but not the end.
- Thanks very much.
- Ask anybody.
- She's different.
- I repeat... Ask anybody.
- This isn't good, Jack.
- Order something else.
I'm talking about us.
- We're just going through a down phase.
- No, it's bigger than that.
I feel like I'm counting on something
that may never happen.
Jack, we have to go to the next step.
Is this, like, an ultimatum?
No, I'm just telling you
that I won't be a girlfriend forever.
There's too much that I want.
I want kids and a family.
Jack, I've got to know
what the deal is with us.
- I'm in love with you.
- And I'm in love with you.
But I need a commitment.
Life's too short.
I want to be married.
Light's green.
Let's get married tomorrow.
Let's just do it... get on a plane,
go to Vegas and do it.
Now.
- You're serious?
- I must be. My legs are paralyzed.
Oh, sweetie!
The die was cast.
If I had just said "city hall,"
the story would end here,
but I didn't, and Betsy and I
took our fateful trip to Vegas.
The man in the limo
was Tommy Korman, the gambler,
and he was about
to enter my life.
Yep. Home, sweet home.
How you doin'?
I was with two fine-looking
women last night.
One was so fine.
She reminded me of Debra Paget.
She made Debra Paget
look like a boy.
What?
Look at all these Elvises here.
It looks like a friggin' zoo.
- It's a freakin' zoo.
- Mr. Korman!
Mr. Korman, Mr. Sandwich,
Buddy Walker. Welcome to Bally's.
I've replaced Tony Carmelo.
I didn't know if you'd heard.
It escaped my attention.
I wondered if I could
have a word with you.
It's all right.
- Yeah. Sure.
- Yeah.
- Tommy, we have a small problem.
- Oh, yeah?
Penthouse A is not available, but...
Oh?
Buddy? I would like Penthouse A,
where I've stayed for 15 years,
made up for me now.
The president of Brazil is in there.
I don't care if Ming the Friggin'
Merciless is in there. Get him out.
OK?
- Will do.
- Good.
Now I shake your hand.
That's great, Buddy.
Welcome to McCarran
Field, Las Vegas, Nevada...
the family fun capital of America.
- Good luck.
- We just got here!
Oh, my God!
Oof! This is some heat.
It's got to be 110, easy.
No, but it's dry.
That's what these schmucks say.
- "150, but it's dry. "
- Yeah.
So hot you friggin' can't see straight.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Would you like chaises?
- What?
- Chaises.
- Chaises?
- Yes, sir.
- What's your name?
- Gary, sir.
Well, "Gary sir," do you understand
that there's no more ozone layer left?
That you could get arrested
for friggin' manslaughter,
lettin' people lay out here?
- You find that funny?
- No, sir.
May I have
your attention...
Here. Remember that, all right?
Thank you, sir.
- Remember Donna and her sunbaths?
- Yeah. Who knew back then?
Yeah. Who knew?
Vegas. Miami. Wherever.
She'd lay out there all day
with them Sidney Sheldon books...
and her coconut oil.
Doctor said they never saw skin
like that, like a saddlebag.
- We got a game tonight?
- No. Not yet.
- It's OK.
- Tommy...
- She was a great girl, Donna.
- Yeah.
I should've got her out of the sun.
Twelve bucks!
No air-conditioning either.
- I ain't going to tip him.
- Hound dog can't even speak English.
I gotta get a suit like that.
- That was some fighter.
- Yeah, that was some fighter.
He knocked down Holmes twice.
Twice. Hey, Tommy,
let's go say "hi," no?
- Go ahead.
- Hey, champ, how you doing?
- You look great. How you doing?
- Real good.
What about that Holmes fight
the other day? What happened?
When Holmes went...
What'd he do?
Wham.
What, what, what?
Look over there.
- It's unbelievable.
- Everything.
Her legs. It's Donna.
Look at all those Indian Elvises.
Yeah, they loved
his movie Blue Calcutta.
Come here.
This is unbelievable.
You're unbelievable.
I want to get you in that room,
tear the bedspread off...
Yoo-hoo! Can I get a room?
This is God
giving me a second chance.
There is no doubt about it.
- What if they're married?
- Look at them.
There's no way they're married.
Yikes.
Oh, my God. Jack!
- We can't afford this!
- I got a deal through Sally Molars.
120 bucks a night.
Is this great or what?
What'd you think of that mirror?
I liked it.
I never realized
I had such a beautiful, round behind.
Or was that you?
That might've been me.
It's 2:30 already.
Well, maybe we should get some lunch,
do a little gambling...
...and then get...
I'm very happy.
I want you to know that.
And I love you so, so much.
Oh, I'm glad.
Yeah. Hi. This is Jack Singer
in the Ali Baba Suite.
Yeah, you can take the "Do Not Disturb"
off my phone now. Thanks.
May I have your attention,
please. Bally's is happy to introduce...
There's a poker game
for new guests, 4:00 to 6:00.
That could be fun.
You could get a swim. I play.
- And then we're off.
- Where should we go?
They have all these chapels.
We'll just pick the most outrageous one.
Your hand is wet.
I'm nervous, but I'm OK.
I want to do this.
- Maybe we should go now.
- In this heat? It's 108 degrees.
Come on. No, no, no, we waited
this long, we should do it right.
Wait till the sun sets.
Get dressed up.
- Jack, please.
- It's not just another excuse.
Hey.
- We're here to get married.
- And to be together.
Absolutely.
So why do you have to play poker?
Let's just hang out together.
It'll relax me.
It's a fast game with some yokels.
I'll probably make enough
to pay for the whole trip.
Listen. It's right here,
$1,000 dollars in credits,
so you're, like, covered
if you get murdered on a hand.
This is just a promotional thing,
basically. Relax.
It's two hours.
Then we get married. End of story.
I don't know.
Really glad you could make it...
Jack, right?
Yeah. It's my pleasure.
You know, with all these Elvises...
Excuse me...
Excuse me, Elvises running around, no?
I haven't seen so many sideburns
since West Side Story.
That's very funny. Wait.
That's New York wit. Am I right?
New York wit?
So, Tommy, you organize this
for the hotel? The game?
Right. I'm...
I'm retired from the dress business,
and I basically play for fun.
And the hotel asked me
to help make the guests feel at home.
- So a two-hour card game.
- Nobody gets too badly hurt.
- Sure.
- Come on, come on. Let's play.
The natives are getting restless.
So we'd better get going.
Telephone call
for Betsy Nolan. Betsy Nolan.
Excuse... Jack, would you like me
to turn up the air-conditioning?
- No, thanks.
- Sure?
Yeah. I'm fine.
See the raise.
Bump 20.
Can't catch a break here.
- Get me a sandwich or something.
- Yes, sir.
- I see it.
- Well, boys...
the good Lord was kind enough
to bless me with a full boat.
Fives overjacks.
- Shit.
- Well, the King is out, boys.
I have $20 left.
I probably should go.
Personally, I think you're playing
very well. It's just some bad luck.
You're playing perfect.
Just some bad luck.
Look, guys,
I don't have this kind of money to lose.
What really concerns me here,
Jack, is you're gonna go back
to New York
with a bad feeling about Vegas.
- That concerns me.
- I really won't.
He's scared. That's natural.
Hey, look, it's not a matter
of being scared, OK?
What? It's just money?
- Yeah. It's just money.
- Well.
Tell you what. Here.
You just activated your line of credit.
Here's a thousand.
You lose it, it's on the hotel.
You win it, you pay it back. Fair?
Well, this afternoon
he wanted to play in this poker game...
that they have for new guests.
Mom, I can't hear you.
Oh, thanks.
You know,
it's like an introductory game.
I'll bet 200.
See it.
- See it.
- Well, I'm out.
See the 200 and...
Oh, God...
...raise a hundred.
Too rich for my blood.
See your hundred.
Raise you... a thousand.
This is out of control.
I'm out.
See the thousand.
- We're it, huh?
- Just us chickens.
Both.
Aces over eights.
- Shit!
- Excellent!
This is terrific.
You played that hand like,
"Forget about it," huh?
Thanks. I'm in a regular game
in the city.
Really? You got to tell me that.
I'll call you
right before the ceremony.
Like 10:30 your time.
Of course I'm excited.
What do you think?
# Well, bright
light city gonna set my soul
# Gonna set my soul on fire
- # I got a whole lot of money...
- Could you shut the fuck up?
Tony, there's absolutely no need
for that type of language here.
All right. Oh...
I raise... 500.
I fold.
Well, baby, the King must fold.
I'll see the 500...
...and I'll raise 2,000.
- You must have tremendous confidence.
- I have tremendous confidence.
Say "good night," Gracie.
A little confidence
ain't going to get it, kid.
I see the 2,500
and raise you three grand.
I think you got nothin'.
That's your constitutional right.
OK. That's the kind of game
we're going to play...
That's five to me...
...and...
I raise you 8,000.
Tommy, I thought
we were playing for fun.
This is fun.
# Wise men say
# Only fools rush in
Eddie, please.
We may have to institute
a ban on singing here.
I'll see the eight grand.
I'll raise you ten.
Can I borrow 21 grand, please?
Twenty-one grand?
You know you can buy
a friggin' Volvo for 21 grand? Turbo?
I know what I'm doin'.
- You got some guts, kid.
- It's not guts. It's realism.
There's 83 grand in there.
Jackson, what's the word?
I'll see it...
...and I'll raise you ten.
25,000 more, please.
This kid's got some set of balls.
Am I right?
My hat's off to you, kid.
My shirt too, probably,
the way you play.
To you.
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
Well, might as well
go down in flames.
What do you got?
Sorry, man.
Straight flush to the jack.
That's... That's one for the books.
To the queen.
That's a tough break.
Would you like a fruit plate?
I'm not assessing any blame here.
But the reality is that you're
in a tremendous amount of trouble.
- If I go to a loan shark...
- Loan shark?
What loan shark's
going to give you 65,000?
If you haven't got it,
there's no way you can pay it back.
If you can, give it to me.
- I can't.
- Nonpayment of debts.
That's extremely serious everywhere.
I mean, among people. Among countries,
governments... They don't give a shit.
Am I right? They stiff everybody.
But...
... individuals...
They are expected to pay debts.
Especially gambling debts.
That's the essence of gambling.
You risk something.
If you put up money
you haven't got and can't get...
That's the lowest.
People...
People can get badly injured.
Jack, I'm talking physically.
Maybe we could work out something
over a period of a couple years.
Hey, what do you think?
You're buying a damn washer and dryer?
You owe Tommy Korman $65,000,
you understand?
Look, I'll rack my brain.
It's all right. I already racked mine.
- Do you have a solution?
- I do.
I want...
...your girlfriend for the weekend.
Betsy?
How do you know Betsy?
I don't... I don't know Betsy.
I don't know her.
I saw her over there in the lobby.
See, my wife Donna...
May she rest in peace...
They look identical.
I mean, they could be twins.
Now, I'm willing
to wipe out the 65 bills...
...if you let me
spend the weekend with her.
We're getting married tonight.
No, no, no, not tonight.
After the weekend.
And, Jack,
I'll be a perfect gentleman.
I just want company.
She won't agree to this.
If she loves you,
she'll agree to this.
May I have
your attention, please.
Hi!
Bally's Casino Resort
is pleased to announce...
another $12,000 winner...
on one of Bally's
hot 97 percent dollar slot machines.
Congratulations to the winner.
What happened?
We, uh...
We have to have a serious talk.
- Are you out of your mind?
- I said you wouldn't do it.
- Is that what you really said?
- Of course. What do you think?
And he actually said, "If she
spends the weekend with me,
you owe me nothing?"
- Yes.
- I am so nauseous.
You don't think
this is totally killing me?
You know, I had this feeling when you
left, then I talked myself out of it.
- Something about this is not right.
- Listen. Just forget I mentioned it.
- There's options.
- Like what?
Neither of us has any money.
God, Jack! What did he say?
He wants me to walk around
in her clothes?
- He wasn't that specific.
- How could you put me in this position?
What do you think? I knew it was coming?
I wanted this to happen?
- I was completely blindsided.
- I still don't understand this.
You went in there with $500.
We had this whole discussion.
I had a straight flush!
Do you know what a straight flush is?
It's, like, unbeatable.
"Like unbeatable" is not "unbeatable. "
Hey, I know that now, OK?
Don't yell at me! I hate this place!
I won't sleep with him,
no matter who he is.
Are you crazy? Of course not.
That's not even a consideration.
- No?
- No!
What if he holds a gun to my head?
Betsy, he's a gambler,
he's not a gangster.
He was a garment center guy
originally.
Oh, he was a garment center guy.
Well, that's a relief.
- I'm not saying it's great.
- Look at all these families here.
Happy families.
I'm a whore, Jack.
You've made me into a whore.
Honey, you don't think this is
destroying me? I don't know what to do.
You brought me to Las Vegas,
and you turned me into a whore, Jack!
Shh! Let's just
forget about this, all right?
This is insanity,
and somehow I'll get the money.
From whom?
My parents don't have it.
"One weekend," he said.
Yes.
- I can't.
- And I don't want you to.
This is nuts!
It's eight to five
you're going to need root canal.
Ah.
Dental Health Associates.
Jack, how are ya?
I'm in the midst
of an emotional disaster here.
Sally, don't start. Just listen.
What are my chances
of getting 65 grand by 8:00 Vegas time?
Bad week here, Jack.
I got killed on the Indiana game.
That was a 12-point spread.
Who do you owe?
No shit. Hey, Sid.
Jack Singer owes
Tommy Korman 65 grand.
- He's heard of him.
- Oh, great.
I'd hate to be shacked up
with a small-timer.
You're not "shacked up. " Will you stop
making it worse than it is?
I can't make it worse than it is.
Don't screw around with him.
Has he got an alternative?
Good. Then take it.
And don't ask no questions.
Poor bastard.
# Run your fingers through my hair
and cuddle me real tight
- # Oh, let me be
- # Oh, let him be
# Oh, teddy bear...
You guys just... just...
We're fine.
- I'll be up in the room.
- OK.
Or hanging around the... casino.
Sounds great.
So, I'll see you in, like, what?
Two... two and a half hours?
Hey, tops.
This is a get-acquainted meeting.
OK...
All right.
# Like a river flows
# Surely to the sea
# Darling, so it goes
# Some things was meant to be
# Take my hand...
Here's what I think:
The game was fixed.
The game was clean. He lost.
With a straight flush?
Yeah. These... These things happen.
Do you know what the odds are? They're,
like, three billion to one against.
- I looked it up.
- You looked it up?
You look... You know what
I used to call Donna? Perry Mason.
- Whatever I said, she had an answer.
- And you resented that.
Oh, no! No, it was like a game.
Like if I said, "I want to buy a Linc,"
and she goes, "No, no, no,
buy a Cadillac, because consumers
say that the repair ratio... "
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
You know, it never ended.
- You read a lot, I bet, huh?
- Yeah. Well, I'm a teacher.
You're a teacher?
I had no idea.
- A teacher.
- Ready?
Absolutely.
Place your bets.
It's extremely important that I win.
- I'll see what I can do for you.
- Cigarettes?
Yeah. Absolutely.
# Take my hand
# Take my whole life too
# I can't help
# Falling in love with you...
Yeah, so by '85, it...
...spread all over the place.
See, that's the thing
about these melanomas.
It's just a... It's just a little piece
of skin. You lift it off like nothing.
The next thing you know,
you're taking CAT scans and...
...it spreads to the lung and the liver.
I'm sorry.
She was pretty young?
Thirty-eight.
What are you gonna do?
- Do you have kids?
- Oh, yeah. Two. Boy and a girl.
Chris and Ally.
They were teenagers then.
Chris, he's married now.
Just out of law school.
He's practicing in Boston.
And... Ally, she's at Bennington.
Fighting off her poetry professor.
She's a knockout.
Chris, you'll meet him this weekend.
- Is he coming here?
- No, he'll join us in Hawaii.
Twenty, twenty, twenty.
No. Twenty doesn't feel good.
Nineteen feels good.
No more bets.
The deal was for the weekend.
Didn't have to be Vegas.
Could be anywhere.
That wasn't my understanding.
I got a place in Kauai.
It's right on the beach.
It'll knock your socks off.
Chris'll be there, his wife, baby.
Be a real family time.
Twenty. Black even.
Place your bets.
Hi, old-timer.
Are you feeling lucky?
Actually, I'm not.
- Betsy!
- Hi.
- So what's the story?
- I have to pack.
We can leave!
What did you work out?
He's taking me to Hawaii.
- It's only for a few days.
- Come on.
You're so, like, blithe about this all
of a sudden, like you don't give a damn!
Of course I give a damn, but this
was not my idea. Poker was not my idea.
Would you please
stop crucifying me with this?
Have you seen my bag?
He's going to jump all over you
the second he gets there.
And I'll let him?
Give me a little credit.
He'll overcome you.
What happens if you start screaming?
It's like a jungle over there!
He probably has servants and bodyguards,
and believe me, they will drug you!
His son is going to be there.
His granddaughter Tiffany will be there.
She knows the kid's name already.
OK.
- Marry me tonight.
- No.
- No? Why not?
- Because I don't believe you.
If you really wanted to marry me,
you would've done it this afternoon.
Yes, this is the Ali Baba Suite.
I have some bags
that have to be brought down.
Yes, thank you.
You were looking
for a way to get out of this.
I mean, you don't have to be Freud
to figure that one out.
I was not looking!
Listen... You'll be back Monday?
I don't know.
Probably Tuesday or Wednesday.
Tuesday or Wednesday!
That's almost a week!
What, you expect us to fly
back and forth to Hawaii in two days?
"Us"? Already it's "us. "
Don't be infantile!
I'm trying to make the best of this!
Well, you're doing great!
Hey, Mr. Straight Flush.
We got a free seat.
- Where's Tommy?
- He just left for Hawaii.
What are you talking about, just left?
The phone rang.
They said the car was ready.
What? He left already?
I don't know about this.
See, you gotta
think about it like this:
You're doing this
to get Jack off the hook.
And your going away makes him realize
how nuts he is about you.
And he appreciates you double
when you come back.
He agreed to this,
so he's got to be... what?
- Ambivalent?
- Yeah. Right.
Stop! No!
Much of the guesswork
is removed from poker
with any of the following hands:
A full house, four of a kind,
or the emperor of all hands:
The invincible,
unbeatable straight flush.
I have to get out of here.
This is amazing.
Ah... Thank you.
I like it.
It's a place
for quiet reflection. Niko...
See, I said to him,
"How's the weather?" in Hawaiian...
and then he said,
"Great. It's in the 80s. Low humidity. "
- He doesn't speak English?
- Fluently, thank you.
Welcome to Hawaii.
You know, Mr. Korman
is like a god over here.
Hey, Niko, please.
You're really embarrassing me here.
I don't believe this.
This... This'll be your room.
God, this is breathtaking.
I...
I rebuilt it about a year ago.
My home by the sea.
You can probably
knock off the Hawaiian now.
Oh?
- I've impressed you enough, then?
- More than enough.
God. I've been to the Caribbean...
The Caribbean? You know who goes
to the Caribbean? Dentists.
That's who goes to the Caribbean.
- It's so beautiful.
- Yeah.
You know, we have a...
We have a name
for this time of day here.
Waka-waka?
It's close.
Time of enchantment.
What did I tell you?
- You got this in the mail?
- Under my door at home.
Mr. Tomashefsky, it's a joke!
I mean, it's not even close.
Of course you'd say that. You thought I
was nuts when I come in here originally.
Now, I got hard evidence.
Here.
Look for yourself.
Believe me.
I have no ax to grind here.
I think your pals at work
are having a little fun with you.
You don't know what it's like.
You don't know what it's like...
...to have the woman you love
off with someone,
and you can't do
a goddamn thing about it!
Some smooth talker
with his greasy hands all over her!
Coming up behind, grabbing her.
Her, laughing and laughing...
Her head thrown back!
Him... leaning against her...
...this creepy smile on his face.
A smile she can't even see!
Soon, he starts moving his hands
around her...
...grabbing her...
...touching her...
...fondling her, groping...
Shut up!
Are you trying
to give me a heart attack?
Yeah, hi, operator. I need
a listing for a Tommy Korman
or a T. Korman in Kauai.
"Where in Kauai?"
I have no idea.
There are sections of Kauai?
Uh-huh.
Well, no. Not off the top of my head.
What about near where
Don Ho or Jack Lord lives?
That must be
a pretty good neighborhood.
Yeah. OK. I see. Well, thank you!
It's not just because
you look like Donna.
- Oh, it has to be.
- No. It was.
I mean, it was.
But it's not anymore.
I mean, for one thing,
you're a lot smarter than she was.
God forgive me for saying that.
Look. I've got to say
something else too.
You're pissin' your life away
on a guy that can't pull the trigger
on marrying you.
We were gonna get married.
With me, I'd have gone right from the
airport to the chapel to marry you.
- What did he do?
- You have to understand Jack.
This man, he decided to play poker.
That's what this man did.
- He had a very strange mother.
- He played poker.
He's a...
He's a great... a great guy, I'm sure.
I'm just sayin'...
I'm just sayin' think about it
before you marry him.
- Just...
- Hey, Dad! Dad!
- There are the kids.
- How far is Mount Kilauea from here?
It's on the other island. Why?
We heard it's erupting.
We gotta go. We gotta go.
Listen.
Did I upset you?
Because if I did, I...
No. I mean, you touched a nerve.
Look. It's just,
Jack is very complicated.
Yeah.
You see, I've known guys
like him my whole life.
Decent, good guys.
They're real good guys.
But they cause a lot of heartache.
I don't think you deserve that.
I think you deserve a lot better.
Winds out of the northwest
at seven miles per hour.
It's currently cloudy
with a chance of...
Take a look, everybody.
The Oleg Cassini men's...
Mother Nature
put on a show yesterday...
as Hawaii's Mount Kilauea erupted.
We have a report from Connie Wong.
Mount Kilauea,
dormant for the past eight years...
erupted last night
with spectacular force.
Rivers of fire streamed down from
the volcano beginning around midnight,
and word spread quickly
throughout the islands.
Natives and tourists alike
thronged to the base of Mount Kilauea
to watch nature's fury unleashed...
with awe-inspiring force.
Government officials stress no one was
in immediate danger from the eruption.
If I take the 7:00 p. m.,
I get to Milwaukee when?
- 8:35.
- 8:35. And that's Central Time?
Yes, sir.
Now, would it be any cheaper
if I stop in Nashville?
- Same price, sir.
- I hold an AAdvantage card.
That won't make any difference
in the price.
Sir, there seems
to be a very long line.
- Tell me again about the Super Saver.
- There are several restrictions.
What's this guy doing?
Around the world in 80 days?
- Lighten up.
- You lighten up.
You can only fly on a Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday...
That's it. Look. Look.
I've got a major problem.
OK? My fiance was kidnapped
and taken to Hawaii.
I've got to get there now.
Well, I'm trying to make arrangements
to get to Milwaukee...
for my nephew Douglas's wedding
on the 21st.
You're not even flying today?
No. Consumer Reports said
if you make your travel arrangements
two weeks in advance at...
You see this line?
We're all flying today.
- Sir, if you don't get back in line...
- Then what?
I'll be arrested? Put in airport jail?
Just get your ticket and move on.
Get your goddamn ticket and move on!
Yeah!
The whole point of the game
was me? Getting me here?
All right.
Why keep it a secret any longer?
My heart's on my sleeve.
From the minute I saw you
in that lobby, I knew...
- So you sort of lied to me.
- How's that?
I understood that this was like
a settlement of the game,
when, in fact, it was
the whole reason for the game.
Yeah. So? Aren't you flattered?
You told me
the game was legitimate.
The game was legitimate.
But, I mean,
I play cards professionally,
and no amateur's gonna beat me.
That's what I had to do to get you.
If I was a medieval knight,
I'd have jostled for you.
Jousted. That's jousted.
Jousted. Whatever the hell they did.
Look, if that is
your preoccupation here...
If you want to leave tomorrow
instead of Wednesday,
believe me, I understand.
I'll call and make reservations.
- No.
- "No?" No calls?
No. No, I'm having a wonderful time.
It's just, you know, this is...
It's just a little overwhelming
to be pursued like this.
Well, no one ever...
...ever was as crazy
about you as I am.
I mean, it's up there with...
...Romeo and Juliet,
George and Gracie... All the big ones.
I'll take care of you forever.
I would throw myself
in front of a train for you.
Just stop me at any time.
Was that wrong?
It didn't feel wrong to me.
I don't know.
It's OK, honey.
Let me see here.
- What are you doing?
- She's got a great spitball.
That's a tremendous natural athlete.
- Yeah?
- Telephone, Mr. K.
- Do you want to hold her?
- Yes.
- Can I hold you?
- Yes.
Oh, hey. That's great
how she goes to you like that.
I can't believe it. She doesn't
go to people like that.
Gimme.
What's the story?
Bad news.
He's on the morning flight in.
I'm surprised
and I'm not surprised.
Look. All right. We gotta keep him
away from here for at least a day.
How 'bout a nice hit-and-run?
Look, no violence.
Unless it's absolutely
necessary, all right?
Just stall,
and get the chief. Get Mahi.
Just take care of it.
Look, I'm getting very close
with her, you know?
And if he shows up over here,
it's over, and...
Are you goddamn eating again?
No, I swear, I'm not eatin'.
He checked out Sunday?
At 8:07.
Can I help you
with any future reservations?
- No, thank you.
- Thank you for calling Bally's.
Come on, come on, come on.
Hi, this is Jack Singer.
Sorry I can't take your call now,
but if you'd leave your name
and number, I'll get right back to you.
Shit!
Hey, Mahi,
will you pay some attention?
This guy, Jack Singer's
six-one, about 180.
He's coming out of that terminal.
Keep him away from Tommy's all right?
I don't care where you take him.
Just keep him away from Tommy's.
- Sure.
- All right, Mahi.
Hey, brother, you like ride?
Yeah, I need a ride,
but I don't know where yet.
- I take your bag.
- Thanks.
My name Mahi.
Mahi Mahi.
- Like the fish?
- Yeah. My father was a fisherman.
My father left home when I was five.
That's why I'm named Jack.
As in "Jack, tell your mother
I'm going to get the paper. "
- I gotta make a couple calls.
- Hey, Jack, Jack.
Where you like go?
Tell me. I take you anywhere.
Do you have any idea where a guy
named Tommy Korman lives?
Sure. Everybody know that.
You're kidding?
- No, it's a small island.
- This is great.
Thought I was going to have
to go through a whole number.
- Cab's over here.
- All right.
Welcome to Kauai.
You like this, Jack?
Beautiful, huh? So romantic.
The women, when they come here,
oh, they get crazy.
They like "freaky-freaky"
all night long.
That's really great news.
We almost there?
Yeah. Right up here
about a mile and a half.
This can't be it.
Tommy Korman lives here?
Korman?
I thought you said "Orman. "
You know, Chief Orman.
I didn't say Chief Orman.
I said Tommy Korman,
loud and clear. Come on!
I fly for two goddamn days,
I haven't slept, I can barely walk!
That goes double for me, chief.
There was a little mix-up here.
Listen, Mahi.
I don't have time
for this horseshit!
Hey, Jack, no make insult
for the chief, OK?
This man get plenty influence
in this place.
"Influence"?
He lives in a shack!
He's a man of great simplicity.
Come on. You spend
ten minutes with the guy, OK?
If you don't do that, the word
gonna get around Kauai so fast.
Next thing you know,
ain't nobody gonna help you, brother.
- Parakeet brandy.
- Are you serious?
- You are from mainland?
- That's right.
Do you find Chief Orman attractive?
Uh... You're
a striking-looking figure.
If by "attractive"...
Hey, chief.
He looking for a man
named Tommy Korman.
If you know where he is...
Have you seen the musical
Grand Hotel?
I... I don't go
to the theater that often.
Do you know if it
will come to Kauai?
I don't, really, but I'll
ask around when I get back.
Now, could you tell me...
Did you hear me before
about Tommy Korman?
Chief Orman favorite is,
of course, South Pacific.
- Well, everybody loves that one, chief.
- Oh, everybody.
# Happy talk
# Keep talking happy talk
# Talk about things you like to do
Mr. Korman. Welcome back
to the Kauai Club.
- Great to see you again.
- Thanks. How are you?
Real good. Doin' real good.
This is Betsy.
This is my friend Nahoo.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Nahoo, Betsy. See you.
Bye-bye. Striking resemblance
to the first Mrs. Korman.
# Bali Ha'i
# Will call you
# On the wind
# Of the sea
# In your heart
- Where's the bathroom?
- # You hear it call you
- Over there.
- Gotta get out of here!
# Come to me
Come to me
Orman getting senile.
Used to do only one number.
- Get me to a phone.
- Now?
Right now.
You have a problem with that?
No, no. Just, on this side,
so many beautiful things to see.
- Really?
- Yeah.
We got the five reflecting pools
of Maaoma.
The five pools are here?
- Yeah.
- Jesus!
- Come. We go.
- What are we waiting for?
- Oh, shit!
- What?
My keys must have fallen out
when I was in the bathroom.
- Could you do me a monster favor?
- No worry nothing. I get 'em.
You're the best.
- Everybody here is so friendly.
- Hey!
Don't say anything.
This wasn't Donna's?
What? God, no.
This is, uh, Betsy's.
It's so beautiful.
Really, I mean...
I've never gotten
anything remotely like this.
I just... I can't accept it.
I want to marry you.
I mean, like, tomorrow.
I can't just marry you.
Why not?
'Cause we just met?
Well, yes.
Look... Just listen to me.
You know, life is so...
what... very short.
We all think too much.
We don't act on our,
you know, impulses.
Korman's address is near Kapaa?
Is it "Kapa-a-a" or "Kapa-a-a-a"?
Is it two "A"s?
Is it A-A-A or A-A?
Two "A"s. OK, thank you.
No, I'm in Waimea.
Listen... I have to get back
to my real life.
This is just way too much
for me to handle.
- Betsy, I love you.
- Tommy...
Oh. I want you in my life.
I want to be married.
- I can't marry you like this.
- Like what?
Like this.
Like just jumping into it.
It just doesn't make any sense,
and there's Jack, too.
I can't just turn around
and marry someone else.
There's stuff to work out with him.
There's feelings there.
What?
The man put you up
in a card game.
No, not really.
You made an arrangement.
I wanted cash. He put you up.
What are you talking about?
Mr. Korman and Miss Nolan
are where exactly?
The Kauai Club.
It's about 20 miles down this road.
- Thanks very much.
- Are you a friend of Dad's or Betsy's?
Both, actually.
They're really great together.
It's so good to see Chris's dad in love.
Yeah, well, that's just
so wonderful to hear.
- OK.
- Goodbye.
I thought that it was your idea.
You told me that you arranged a game.
- You saw me in the lobby...
- Yes, honey. Listen.
I told you that to protect you.
Because I love you so very much.
Honey, and the truth was so...
...horrible!
It embarrassed me.
He put you up like a...
...like a ring, like a watch.
That's how cold it was.
I can't believe it.
Maybe he was frantic.
Listen, people get frightened.
They do crazy things.
He was so terrified
of marrying you.
Come on, that's unfair.
He didn't have $65,000.
What...
That's what he owed you.
He owed me $3,000.
What?
Honey, look.
The man's a head case. He's a head case.
But we all make mistakes.
Life goes on.
He did this for $3,000?
Honey, don't. Please, darling.
Don't torture yourself like this.
Let's just fly to Vegas and...
...get married
and go on with our lives.
I need to be alone for awhile.
Keep it close by.
Betsy!
Betsy!
Betsy!
Get off!
Get off me!
What the hell are you doing here?
We had a deal.
We never said Hawaii.
Get off me.
We never didn't say Hawaii.
Look, you want to stay
on the island, fine.
But you stay the hell away
from her or give me 65 thousand.
I've got it.
I brought it with me.
No. That's bullshit.
You never wanted the money.
You wanted her!
Get off me! Somebody!
Help! Get off me!
- Betsy!
- He's crazy!
Betsy!
- Get him out of here!
- Betsy!
Betsy!
Come on. Don't.
You're making a big mistake.
Listen to me.
My girl's out there. My wife!
You OK?
- That was the weirdest thing.
- What?
It was like Wuthering Heights.
I thought I heard my name
being called in the wind.
It sounded like Jack.
Can you believe that?
Yeah. I used to think
that I heard Donna calling...
Almost shouting.
It's very spooky.
It's the shape of the rocks
or something. It echoes.
- It's so strange.
- Yeah.
So what do you think?
I'm gonna want children very soon.
You just tell me when, sweetheart.
Having children
with you would be heaven.
Then let's do it. I want to.
Are you sure this is not
a reaction to what I told you?
No, no, I want
to get on with my life, Tommy.
I want to get married.
To me?
Yes.
I'm shakin' like a leaf.
Look, I have to make
a phone call now!
You're kidding me!
You're in a Hawaiian clink?
- Vito, you believe that?
- Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Vito's in the chair.
He can't believe it.
Listen. The bail is five grand.
OK, let me work on it.
But, Jack, listen to me.
Make sure you ask approval
to leave the state.
Otherwise you'll be stuck there
even if you make bail.
OK, but, Sally,
as fast as you can, please.
Just seeing her there,
staring at the ocean...
I know that look, man.
She's doing some serious thinking.
Well? Ready?
This is really such a great spot.
We'll be back real soon.
- Thanks.
- I want to say one thing, ma'am.
Anybody who would put you up
for $3,000...
Hey, Niko,
what's the matter with you?
- Sorry.
- That's all right. Really.
- Sorry.
- Jesus.
Perfect.
Don't tell me
you still want the cab fare.
Nah. I dropped the charges.
I feel sorry for you, man.
I don't want your pity.
Just take me to Korman's house. Korman.
No do you any good.
Him, your girlfriend,
both went back Vegas.
Gonna get married.
Married?
Married.
Hey, Jack.
Jack, Jack.
- Good luck, brother. Hey.
- Thanks.
Always remember:
It means, "Always have the good words
come out of your mouth. "
That just doesn't help me at all,
but I appreciate the thought.
Aloha, brother!
Hello.
I gotta get on
the next flight out of here.
The next flight out of here
goes nonstop to...
Auckland, New Zealand.
New Zealand?
No, I gotta get to the States.
We are a state.
The mainland, OK?
I gotta get to Vegas.
Well, the Los Angeles flight
left Honolulu 20 minutes ago.
Shit!
- When's the next flight out of here?
- Tonight at 8:30.
Ma'am, I'll be sucking
on an exhaust pipe by then.
Just get me anywhere where I can get
a connecting flight to Las Vegas.
You know, you shouldn't live...
... where Donna lived.
I don't think that's fair.
So, I was thinkin'...
...we buy a place
in Westchester or Connecticut.
I can't think about that yet.
That's OK. I'll think about it.
You sit back and you relax.
OK, sweetheart?
Congratulations to the two of you.
Penthouse A is ready.
That's great, Bud. I appreciate it.
Mr. Korman's getting married.
Don't take too long with the makeup.
I like you au naturel.
Don't worry.
You don't need any, anyway.
He left Kauai.
But he couldn't get an LA flight.
So where is he?
- San Jose.
- San Jose...
San Jose. Well...
Who do we know
at the airport in San Jose?
- Frankie Cargo.
- Give him a phone call.
Go on.
- This flight is history?
- Yes.
Apparently there's
bad weather in El Paso.
- Hail the size of golf balls.
- I don't care about El Paso.
- How do I get to Vegas?
- Well, let's see.
There's a 9:00 p. m. Flight
into Los Angeles.
It arrives at 10:15...
And then you can just take
a 12:35 flight into Vegas.
- That's it?
- Until tomorrow morning, yes.
Oh, man.
Attention, Pakistani,
Indian and Malaysian Elvises:
Your bus to the Grand Canyon
is leaving in eight minutes.
...when the beeper goes off. Thanks.
Hi, Jack, it's me.
I'm back in Vegas with Tommy.
I tried you when I was in Hawaii,
but you were never there, so...
Look, Jack, here's the thing. I don't
know why you lied to me about the game.
All right? I don't know,
but I suppose I can guess.
The worst part about this
is I don't know where you are.
I don't know and I can't
speak to you direc...
Ladies and gentlemen.
For your convenience,
we have immediate seating available...
I'll go crack open the champagne.
Are you always
going to keep me waiting?
That's a joke.
You can keep me waiting anytime.
Vegas! Anybody going to Vegas?
Las Vegas! Anybody!
Anybody, Vegas!
Are you guys going to Vegas
by any chance?
Yeah! We sure are. You need a lift?
- Oh, desperately.
- You done this before, son?
Yeah, yeah, sure. I love
these little planes. They're great.
Oh, come on. Hop aboard.
You'll have a good time.
We got a new one, boys.
Come on in there.
Let's go. Let's go!
Could we talk?
- Sure, we could talk.
- No, back inside.
Please?
You ready, Zeke?
Ready!
Hey, all right.
What's your cape size, son?
- What's my cape size?
- Uh-huh.
Forty regular.
What's with the parachutes?
You're gonna find out as soon as
you strap one on, I guarantee you.
For such a short flight, it seems
like you're being overcautious.
I don't know. It's just a hunch, but...
Son, we're skydivin'.
You're skydiving?
We're the Flying Elvises,
Utah chapter.
Roy Bacon, director, at your service.
Listen, if you could just drop me.
Oh, yeah, we'll sure drop you!
This is a panic attack.
Why does it have to be so soon?
Well, honey, you know,
I told you there comes a time when...
I'm not ready.
Nah. You just think you're not ready.
No, I'm not ready.
I say we wait a few weeks.
You know? A month.
We, we get to know each other better.
OK... Look, I'll give you
half a million dollars
if you marry me today. Cash.
And if things don't work out,
we split up, you keep the money.
You're joking.
About money, I, I neverjoke.
Screw you.
Please. Don't ever turn
your back on me. Ever.
Weekend is over.
Don't grab me like that.
You are being rude to me.
In the lobby of the Bally Hotel,
you are being rude.
Get out of my sight.
Hey!
A million. Now, be a realist.
This is a no-lose deal for you.
I get a million dollars?
Yeah. That's correct.
You're unbelievable.
It would be very irresponsible
of you to turn this down.
- Tommy...
- Hey.
Your answer...
...is yes.
I have to go to the bathroom.
OK, come on.
I'll go with you.
I need to be alone
for a couple of minutes.
OK. You got five minutes,
and then we get married.
Listen.
You said, "Yes, I will marry you. "
That's a promise.
When people make promises
to Tommy Korman, they keep 'em.
You understand?
- Yes, I do. Yes.
- Hmm?
You got five minutes.
She's comin' up here?
I thought you left already.
No. Just stay close to her,
all right?
Where is he?
Ooh, boy, that music
gets the adrenaline going, don't it?
- We jump out at what altitude?
- Three thousand feet.
And these chutes are foolproof, right?
Well, as the King his own self said...
they ain't nothin' in this
whole wide world foolproof,
exceptin' Coupe DeVilles and hookers!
Let me get this straight.
I pull this?
No, boy, you pull
the other one first,
that being your main chute.
Then if that chute don't open,
you reach over and pull the red one,
that there being your auxiliary chute.
Yellow, then red. Yellow, then red.
- You got it.
- OK, OK. Now...
If, by any chance, I get flustered
when I'm hurtling through space...
and I pull the red one first?
Oh! Then you gonna wind up
lookin' like a well-done chili burger.
They gonna have to
shovel you into a coffin.
But you can do it, son. You can do it!
All right, fellers.
It's just about show time!
Yellow, then red.
Yellow, then red.
She never came up.
- Go find her.
- Where?
I don't know. Try outside.
Six minutes until the Flying
Elvises make their historic jump.
Elvises, rise!
Yellow, then red.
Yellow, then red.
Yellow, then red. Yellow, then red.
Yellow, then red. Yellow, then red.
Where you going?
Ladies and gentlemen
Roy Bacon and his Flying Elvises
are approaching Bally's.
- All eyes to the sky!
- Elvis!
OK, OK.
She's somewhere in the basement.
So, tell me, what are you
doing in the lobby?
- I'm keeping you informed.
- Go get her! Go get her!
Moron.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Flying Elvises
have entered Las Vegas airspace
and will jump in one minute!
One minute!
Elvises, light your fires!
Betsy! Betsy! Betsy! Betsy!
That's it.
Look at them up there!
Elvises, head 'em up
and move 'em out!
Here they come!
Excuse me.
Never before have so many
Elvises been airborne!
Let's give them
a real Las Vegas welcome
and pray that they make it
safely to Earth.
You know you pull the red one,
then the yellow one!
No, he said yellow, then red!
No! He was just kidding!
Lyle, come on, Lyle!
- Good luck!
- Wait a minute!
- I was just kidding.
- You were or Roy was?
He was.
Our brave Elvises of the sky
are wearing specially designed
electric jumpsuits
made to the King's
own specifications.
Each suit is valued
at over $10,000.
Here they come!
They're crossing the Dunes.
Then they're headed home to Bally's.
One last time! Yellow, then red?
Betsy! Betsy! Betsy! Betsy!
Yee-haw!
Roy Bacon has opened his chute.
Only one to go!
Yellow! Red! Pow!
The last chute is open!
That's good. That's great.
I'm not gonna die.
Don't look down.
Here comes our first Elvis to Earth.
Tommy Joe Smithers
of Provo, Utah.
Our second Elvis,
from Elko, Nevada...
Walter Peeblinger!
God, don't let me land
on anything sharp.
Left, toggle left.
Right, toggle right.
The wind currents are picking up!
Watch it up there,
brave Elvises of the sky!
Steady, boy.
Here we go.
That's good. OK.
Here they come.
From Tucson, Billy Braker!
From Salt Lake City,
Lyle Davis and Vern Poole.
And our newest Flying Elvis
from New York City...
making his maiden jump,
Jack Singer!
Let's give a real
Las Vegas welcome
for our heroic young man,
Jack Singer!
Welcome to Earth,
brave Elvises!
- Miss, stay back.
- Please.
Jack!
- Betsy!
- Jack!
Betsy!
Did you marry him?
Jack! You jumped out of a plane!
His kid said you were gonna
marry him today.
Did you get a job here?
I couldn't find you.
I didn't know how to reach you.
I was flying day and night.
I was going everywhere.
Hawaii, jail... I saw you on the beach.
I was screaming your name.
He said that was the wind.
I was so stupid.
I can't find her.
It's over. Son of a bitch
jumped out of a plane.
What?
He said you only lost 3,000.
- What?
- And I believed him.
Then I realized, I said,
"What, am I nuts? I can't marry him. "
Elvis!
And then you jumped
out of a plane for me!
You could've died.
I didn't want to live
if I couldn't have you, baby.
Go take a hike.
- Now?
- No, next Thursday.
Yeah, now. Go set up a game.
I'll just grab a bite.
- Go!
- All right, all right.
I dreamt about my mother again
last night.
Was she vacuuming naked?
No. She opened her eyes, and I said,
"Mom, I'm gonna marry that girl,"
and she smiled.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Of course, she was naked.
Jack and Betsy,
you have declared your desire
to unite yourselves
with each other in marriage.
- This is correct?
- Yes.
True matrimony is...
Oh.
Yee-haw! Whoo!