Horrible Histories: The Movie - Rotten Romans (2019) Movie Script
RATTUS RATTUS GROWLS
HE COUGHS
Oh, that's really not good for
your tonsils, that.
Ugh, right, that's enough
of the logos.
I bet you've all finished
your popcorn
in the time it took
to watch all that.
HE CHUCKLES
Can we please start the movie?
Whoa!
RATTUS RATTUS (VO):
Ancient Rome.
The centre of civilisation.
"Wasn't built in a day,
you know".
Although that was the builder's
original estimate.
Little joke for builders, there.
What's that other saying?
"All sewers lead to Rome ".
Yeah, that's the one.
Cor, look at the manure
on that cart.
It's like
an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Om, nom, nom, nom, nom.
Anyway, it's 54AD
and Emperor Claudius is
in charge here.
But maybe not for long...
Doom!
Doom!
The chicken guts
speak the future.
Betrayal, conspiracy and death!
In other words, just a normal
day in Rome, really.
Has anyone seen my chicken?
No, uh, not me.
- BELL TOLLS
HE GROANS IN AGONY
Oh! I am done for!
Poisoned!
- SHE SOBS
I journey to the underworld
happy that I...
HE GASPS
C-C-Claudius shall ever
he remembered
as the Roman emperor
who finally...
c-conquered Britain.
Hey, where's Britain?
Is that part of the empire?
I thought it was just
a weird stain.
Argh!
- Oh!
Oh!
- Where's the doctor?
Oh, actually, I'm feeling
a lot better now
I don't think I need a doctor.
Darling, you can't be
too careful.
Doctor, come quickly,
it's my husband.
What's the matter?
- He's not dying!
Not dying?
Between me and you, Mother
poisoned him with some mushrooms
but he's thrown them up.
So, I want you
to tickle his throat
with this poisoned feather
and finish the job.
I couldn't possibly.
Or you'll be next.
Emperor?
- No, really
I'm feeling OK, now.
Open wide, say "Ah ".
Argh!
Yes, get in!
Sorry, can I...
Who's in charge now?
All hail my son
Emperor Nero.
THEY CHANT " NERO"
Hail me, cheers, Mum.
Ruler of the whole Roman Empire
Even that stainy bit.
Except, I'll be ruling until you
come of age.
What? That's not for another
five years.
FAN FARES SOU ND
Hu?
HE GULPS
Oh!
THUD
Phew.
HE WHlSTLES
- SlGN CREAKS
ANNOUNCEMENT:
Ladies and gentlemen
please take your seats
as the Emperor Nero birthday
games will begin shortly.
Would the owner of the blue
chariot registration CXB
Please remove it as it is
obstructing the arena gates.
Look at the queue!
Why is it always so long?
SHE SIGHS
- lt's a bottleneck.
A big crowd going through
a narrow entrance
causes an impediment
to the flow.
Don't be clever, Atti.
I think we should limit your
scroll time.
What?
- We ' re here to see
real men fighting.
Get stuck into
real Roman life, son.
Julia!
- Ave Flavia.
Is this your Celcius?
JULIA: He's been
accepted into the army.
Proper job for a proper Roman.
Well done, lad.
Cheers.
- JULIA: You must be so proud!
Couldn't be prouder. We've just
bought him some new sandals
to say well done.
- Check ' em out.
Why can't you be
more like Celcius?
SANDAL SELLER:
No fakes, no copies.
Loser!
- Sporcus the Gladiator's
very own sandals,
as worn by the man himself.
How much?
- Two hundred Denarii.
But it says 100.
No, it doesn't.
- Yeah, look. See?
A hundred Denarii.
Oh, well that's per shoe.
Who ever heard of " per shoe"?
Who's gonna buy one shoe?
A one-legged man?
Do you have this one in red?
Please don't sell them
to anyone else.
I won't...
unless they bring me
the money first.
Gladiator sweat!
Makes you young!
Gladiator sweat!
Lovely hum.
- How much?
To you, two hundred Denarii.
How do I know it works?
I'm 97, mate.
I'll take it.
STREET HAWKER CRlES
ANNOUNCEMENT: Feeling peckish?
- HE WHlSTLES
Why not try
our pick 'n' mix selection?
Peacock tongues, stuffed snails
and roast dormouse.
Available from the arena kiosk.
Right, you lot...
this is a big match.
It's Nero's birthday.
So I want all of you
to give it CX percent.
Got that?
- Yes, boss.
And remember,
when you get out there
you turn to Nero and you say
"We who are about to die...
salute you ".
What is it, Severus?
I've been getting into this
sports psychology thing
and that whole
"about to die" bit
it just really messes
with my energy, man.
I mean, it's kinda...
negative.
I just don't think it's me.
We all have our "thing ", right?
You're the massive one
you ' re the other massive one.
You're the one
with the funny voice.
IN A SQUEAKY VOICE:
I don't have a funny voice.
I thought I can be the...
"doesn't die" guy.
You listen to me.
Say it, or I ' ll kill you myself
and spare all these scumbags
the bother.
HE CHUCKLES
OK.
GLADIATOR TRAlNER:
Go on, move it the lot of you.
That's nowhere near enough.
HORSE WEES NOISILY
HE PANTS
Oh! I'm the legate from Britain.
Britain, you know,
edge of the Empire.
I have a gift for Emperor Nero.
Must be on the list.
Oh...
HECHUCKLES
Happy birthday, mein Emperor.
We have killed a bear
in your honour.
Hollowed him out for a onesie.
Oh, I love it.
Look, I'm a bear!
NERO ROARS
- Ow!
You scratched me.
Bear costume from Germany.
What are you doing?
- I'm making a list
so you can write
thank you letters.
Well, don't
because I'm in charge now
and I'm not writing
thank you letters.
People can thank me,
for taking their presents.
Shouldn't they? Yeah.
- Mm.
Next.
Ah, there! There we are,
right at the bottom.
NERO: Next?
- MAN: The Gaulish legate.
So, where are you from?
Britain.
- Oh.
What did you bring him?
A bag of rain?
HE LAUGHS
No, uh... lead.
Right, good luck with that.
HE CLICKS HlS TEETH
A razor? That's rubbish.
Take him away and punish him.
Oh, no!
SWORDS SWOOSH
- AGONISED GRUN NERO: Next!
- LEGATE: Greetings
from Britain.
- The stain, huh?
Ooh, heavy. I hope it's gold.
I hope it's gold, I hope it's
gold, I hope it's gold!
It's not gold.
It's lead!
Use it for lining tanks...
weights and measures...
Ha! lt's a joke!
Joke present.
I'll just go and get
your real present...
now...
Present, present, present...
Oh... uh... no.
Ah...
TRADER: Gladiator sweat!
- Oh.
Pure Gladiator sweat!
Cheers mate.
Oh! Perfect, one bottle
of sweat, please.
All gone, mate.
You snooze-icus, you lose-icus.
What? But I need it now.
Did I hear you need some
gladiator sweat?
LEGATE SIGHS
- Two hundred Dinarii.
I'll take it.
FAN FARE SOUNDS
Ladies and gentlemen...
Christians and lions!
Come on you lions!
- Shush!
Please, show your appreciation
for the all powerful ruler
of the Roman Empire!
Mum, Mum! He was talking
about me.
That's my throne Mother,
get off! Get off!
No, no! Darling, everyone's
watching.
Don't make a spectacle.
You said I'd be in charge,
so now I'm in charge.
Are you?
- Yes, whose face is it
on the coins, huh?
Whose face?
- My face.
Exactly, your face.
What?
HE TUTS
Well what's your face doing on
my coins?
FAN FARE SOUNDS
- AUDlENCE APPLAUDS
We who are about to die
salute you.
Oh, goody,
some mindless violence.
IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
Who' s got a funny voice now, eh?
Hiyah!
SICKENING THUD
- CROWD GROANS
"Come to the games", you said.
"I've got front row seats",
you said.
On the head, son!
- GLADIATORS GRUN Atti, where have you been?
SHE GASPS
How on earth did you get those?
I had this really clever idea.
My Emperor! From Britain...
what I meant to give you.
Pure Gladiator sweat.
The finest anti-aging lotion
in all of Rome.
Not that you need it, obviously.
It's a challenging aroma.
- Very.
HE SNIFFS Notes of fresh grass
and leather, I like it.
It's so you!
That's horse wee.
Horse wee?
- Lt's so " not" you.
You're dead.
- It was him!
He sold it to me.
My chambers now.
Oh!
NERO:
Right, punishments...
This one, I'm thinking,
roll down a hill
in a barrel full of spikes.
- Lnspired.
Say thank you to the Emperor.
- Thank you, Emperor.
Oh...
- NERO: And this one...
crucifixion.
- Wonderful.
Teeny hiccup, ooh...
legally you're not supposed
to crucify Roman citizens.
Annoying.
- Mm...
How about that one where they
sew ' em in a sack with a snake
a dog, a rooster and a monkey
and chuck ' em
in the river Tiber?
SYCOPHANTUS:
Technically that's for the crime
of killing your own father.
Oh, this is impossible!
He ruined my birthday!
He deserves a fate
worse than death.
Worse than death?
What could be worse than death?
I've got it!
I'll send you to Britain.
Where?
- NERO: Exactly.
I'll make you a soldier.
So you ' ll have to wear
short skirts
with bare legs
in the freezing cold.
No, please. I'm sorry.
To Britain with him.
- No, but...
but I can't fight!
I just wanted
a new pair of sandals.
See where being clever gets ya?
Shall I run Emperor a bath?
Why?
Oh, yeah!
You're not having a sword.
Dad, please.
- I said no, Orla.
But I wanna be a Celtic warrior!
Oh, it's not fair!
Girls my age in other tribes
have swords.
Yeah. Well, I am chieftain
of this tribe
and I'm saying to you,
you're not ready to fight.
But I am!
I want to fight Romans.
Why? We can't beat them,
they're too strong.
They're too organised.
METAL CLANGS OUTSlDE
- Whereas, the Celtic tribes
I mean they can't stop
feuding with one another.
What is that banging?
Excuse me.
CLANKING CONTINUES
- Uh... Brenda?
Hello. Where did you get
that shield from?
I, uh... I found it.
You didn't steal it off the
Brigantes tribe, did you?
Me? No.
Looks nice, Gran.
- Thanks, love.
Look...
We don't want to start a war
we can't win, you know?
The modern way of doing it
is to co-operate with
the Romans.
Argh!
- Like the Iceni tribe do.
Roman lovers!
Not all Romans are bad.
Well, name one good thing
about them.
Fine, um...
their roads are excellent.
So straight, you know.
How could you not like that?
I don't think Dougal likes it.
Oh, come on, Dad.
They're so annoying.
They just go round taking
whatever they want
marching all over everything.
I mean, why would we wanna
co-operate with them?
I've heard the lceni are doing
alright out of it.
Let's just go and see
for ourselves.
Can I come?
Yes, fine. Just...
try not to steal anything
What, me?
ARGH US:
Oh...
BRENDA:
Oh, lovely.
ARGH US:
Come on, Brenda.
Oh, look at the Roman pillars
on their chief's hut.
Oh, I like those.
Yes, the lceni are certainly
progressive.
ORLA: Yeah, their girls
are allowed swords.
Chief Prasutagus certainly knows
how to live.
Prasutagus is dead.
BRENDA LAUGHS
- Shh!
I tried to save him.
I used the most advanced
Celtic medicine.
You got a dog to lick him?
- Mm-hm.
Oh, then you did all
that could be done.
HE SOBS
That's Prasutagus ' wife,
Boudicca.
She's queen now.
As Roman Procurator,
it falls to me
Catus Decianus,
to read the Will.
"I, Prasutagus,
chief of the lceni
do hereby leave all
my worldly possessions to...
my cat.
I'm joking.
Joking.
- Sorry, what's a cat?
It's a Roman thing,
like a small furry dog
only it doesn't really like you
it just pretends to like you
to get food.
But it, it doesn't really matter
cos I, I was only joking.
Everything goes to Nero.
SHE LAUGHS
- That's the joke, right?
No. Perfectly serious.
Men.
HE WHlSTLES
SOLDIER 1: Yes, sir.
- SOLDIER 2: Sir.
But we had an agreement.
It was meant to be split between
Nero and me.
Minor technicality.
Put that back!
- Yeah, you see, in Roman law
only men can inherit,
so Nero says
as you don't have any sons
all your wealth defaults to him.
You should have read
the old small print.
We ' re Celts, we can't read.
Well, you can't do this.
We ' re Romans, we can do
anything we want.
Come on then, boys.
Let's get this stuff
back to Colchester.
That chaise is gonna look lovely
in my atrium.
Look, I won't stand for this!
This is not OK!
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
Yah!
CROWD YELLS
Whack ' em, smash ' em
ARGH US:
Come back here now.
What? But you said we should
follow the lceni's example.
Yes, well, not any more.
I don't get it. First you say
be more like the lceni
and then you change your mind.
Look, Orla, I don't want
you to get hurt.
You're all I've got.
BRENDA:
Ahem!
Stop coughing.
I don't think you're ready.
I am. Why won't you believe me?
I wanna take on the Romans
and I can.
I'll prove it.
- No, no...
Orla, back home now, OK?
Hey, wearing the chief's hat!
You could give Orla a chance,
you know.
Don't encourage her.
Where did you get that?
It's mine.
I brought it with me.
Really?
So I tell Catus, " Don't give any
of it to Boudicca.
It's mine, all mine."
Brilliant. Quite brilliant.
You do know she's started
a rebellion?
Yes. Thank you, Mother.
I can handle this on my own.
Alright, darling,
if you're sure.
I am sure.
Where are you going?
Well, since you don't want
my help
I thought I'd go on a little
imperial tour.
But the imperial tour's
for the Emperor.
For me to meet my subjects
on my imperial boat.
I'm the one in charge.
In charge of a terrible mess
in Britain.
I hope you're not remembered
as the Emperor who lost
part of his Empire.
Good luck stopping Boudicca.
Ciao.
If only there was a way
to get rid of her.
Send in more troops.
Not Boudicca, my mother.
How dare she take my boat?
My boat.
HE GASPS I have an idea.
Brilliant. Quite brilliant.
Well, you haven't heard it yet.
I'm gonna booby-trap the boat.
Make it sink
while my mother's on board.
You can say it now.
- Brilliant. Quite brilliant.
Anyway, I've got nothing
to worry about.
My troops ' ll smash
Boudicca to pieces.
FIGHTlNG NOISES
- CELTS LAUGH
Whoa! We smashed them!
That was awesome!
I'm so pumped, so pumped,
so pumped!
What an amazing show!
- Do you think we went a bit
overboard
with the smoke, though?
I mean...
Bouds, you were just like
"Hello, Colchester! ".
And then, you were like
"Goodbye, Colchester!"
THEY LAUGH
- Yeah! We really tore ' em up!
You were on fire.
Yeah!
Thanks for putting me out.
- Mm.
Hup, hup, hup, hup...
Hup, hup, hup, hup...
And... halt!
Welcome to Britain, loser.
Leave me alone, Celcius.
What are you gonna do
about it, Atti? Tell your dad?
ATTlGRUNTS
On your feet, soldier!
But, sir...
- Don't answer back.
Get down and give me ten!
DEClMUS: One!
- ATTl GRUNTS
DEClMUS:
Two!
Oh, make it five.
I haven't got all day.
Lame.
- Right, men, listen up!
This is my final mission
before I retire
and I intend to get it over and
done with
as quickly as possible
so I can return to Rome.
ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS
- Ah, beautiful Rome.
With its dry Mediterranean
climate and non-stop summers.
HE SNIFFS
- MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
Luckily, this is
an easy posting.
Nothing ever happens here.
- Oh, well that's a downer.
Ah, here comes the Procurator.
Hail, Catus Decianus!
Yes, welcome to Britain.
And you are welcome to it.
A Celtic Queen called Boudicca's
gone loco.
Completely destroyed Colchester.
Anyway, there are your orders.
Bye!
Catus, defend the Empire
and crush the Celts.
Hang on a minute.
These are your orders.
Just gonna borrow your boat.
You won't be needing it
seeing as you ' II all be dead!
Right, men, forward march!
For the glory of Rome!
ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS
Ah, wonderful Rome.
Its vines hanging heavy with
succulent, sun-ripened grapes.
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
- KNOCKING ON DOOR
Hello, I'm calling today
on behalf of Boudicca
Queen of the Iceni.
Sorry, I never buy things
at the door.
Oh, no, sir we ' re not selling,
we ' re recruiting.
For her army. We ' re asking
Celtic tribes to unite.
Yeah, not interested.
SWORDS SWOOSH
- You're either with us
or you're against us.
Oh, Boudicca's army, you say?
Yeah, that sounds great.
Love that. Yeah.
Bash them Celts
and smash their heads!
ARMY: Bash them Celts
and smash their heads!
I would rather be in bed
I would rather be in bed
We 're Roman soldiers
trained to kill
ARMY: We 're Roman soldiers
trained to kill
This guy really
needs to chill
This guy really
needs to chill
THEY CHUCKLE
- Atti, you're a legend.
DECIMUS: Quiet at the back!
- Oh!
I ' II show my dad.
DECIMUS: Rattie with
the Celtic tribes
ARMY: Battle with the Celtic...
- Stupid sandals.
Just a minute, hold on, guys
No, seriously. Guys, hold on.
Guys...
Argh!
ARMY CONTINUES CHANTING
Where's Atti gone?
- Dunno.
Now who says I'm not ready
to be a warrior?
Orla, what have you done?
Taken a Roman prisoner...
all on my own.
See, told you I could do it.
You're just gonna have to
take him back.
What? I thought
you'd be pleased.
You can't keep a prisoner.
It's hard work.
You have to feed it.
You have to exercise it.
Who's gonna clean up after him?
- I am here, you know.
He's my prisoner. I found him,
and I wanna keep him.
OK, fine.
You ' II get bored soon enough,
and then someone
will have to get rid of him.
There's no pleasing some people.
HE IMITATES BRENDA: "There's
no pleasing some people".
ATTI SNIFFS
You can't keep me in a pig shed.
It, it's inhumane.
- What?
This is our best hut.
Why does it smell
like animal poo?
How d 'you think we made
the walls? Stupid.
Oh, gross.
And who are you calling
"stupid "?
You're a Celt. I heard you lot
can't even read.
So?
- So, Celts know nothing
about anything.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Ha!
Oh...
Don't you like our decorations.
- Decorations?
You lot are savages.
- Says a Roman!
You're the ones turning up here
killing everyone.
Uh, we're civilising you.
Well, we don't wanna be
"civilised ", thanks.
We ' re happy with things
just the way they are.
What, you actually want walls
made out of poo?
In Rome, our houses are made
out of stone.
And we have proper decorations,
like sculptures
and mosaics and fountains...
- Really?
Well if it's so amazing, why
don't you just go back home?
No-one wants you here.
You should all go.
Before Boudicca makes you.
What, you seriously think the
Romans can be bested by a girl?
HE GRUNTS
Bested.
HE SIGHS
I ' II take that sword,
thank you, young lady.
Dad!
NERO CHUCKLES
Look, these two are fighting.
Ahem!
Alright, alright.
Uh, put the catapults here.
Very good, Emperor.
And then our troops are like,
"Oh, the Britons look cold
let's warm them up ".
They unleash burning tar
and the Britons are like
"Help, I'm melting ".
HE MAKES IMPACT NOISE
That's a Roman spear going
straight through the back.
I bring grave news, Emperor.
Oh, no. My mother's boat sank.
She's dead.
It's not about your mother.
It says Boudicca has burnt
Colchester to the ground.
You what?
Oh... please, Emperor,
don't shoot the...
HE YELLS
Fantastic shot.
MESSENGER GROANS
It says more tribes are joining
her uprising.
She's uniting the Celts.
No, no, no, no, no,
you did that all wrong.
Look, it's like this.
Clippity, cloppity,
clippity, cloppy.
NERO NEIGHS Clippity, cloppity.
How many times, Orla?
You cannot come
to Boudicca's rally.
Because number one,
you're not a warrior.
Yeah, I am.
Number two, you have got
a prisoner to feed.
And number three...
because I said so.
Alright? Let's bounce.
SHE SIGHS
Oh, what's that? I'm starving.
Parsnip soup.
Have you not got any
proper food?
Like sow's udders,
or flamingo tongues?
What?
- Jellyfish omelette?
SHE SIGHS
Well, if you don't want it...
No, I...
I'll try some.
Thanks.
- SOUP SLOPS
I'm Atti, by the way.
I'm...
not telling you my name.
Right. Well nice to meet you,
"Not Telling You My Name".
I'm Orla, alright.
So, Orla, what you gonna do
with me now
or don't you know?
- Of course I know.
I've had loads of prisoners
before. Like all the time.
Course you have.
I guess you're planning to...
ransom me.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's exactly
what I was thinking.
Ransom you and get some money.
Bingo. You get the cash.
I get to go home.
Everybody's happy.
I'm not interested
in your happiness.
Charming.
CROWD CHEERS
When two tribes go to war
we can burn the Roman capital
to the ground!
CROWD CHEERS
Imagine what we could do if all
the Celtic tribes united!
Hey, you're right.
Oi. Stop winding up the
Brigantes, will you.
I'm not!
- MAN: Take 'em all down.
So put aside
your petty squabbles.
Well who cares if he called you
names?
Who cares if she stole
your shield?
Was that you?
- Might have been.
Big nose!
- MAN: Hey!
Stealing's not nice, you know.
I'm gonna make you regret it.
- Oh, yeah?
You and who's army?
Me and my army!
- MEN: Yeah!
BOUDICCA:
Did you hear what I just said?
Alright, we need to unite.
This is war.
Too right it's war!
Fight, fight, fight, fight!
CROWD SHOUTS
Save it for the Romans!
My tribe, over here now!
You're gonna get
what's coming to you.
Whatever!
- By the full moon.
I'm sorry. But if you think you
can unite the Celtic tribes
good luck.
CROWD CLAMOURS
NERO: Who are these guys?
- Those are trees.
I knew that. Who are these?
That's the Ninth Legion.
The IX men.
The most feared fighting force
in the Roman Army.
We shouldn't use them. We should
give them the month off.
ARMY CHIEF:
Are you sure, Emperor?
No, of course
we should use them!
I was being sarcastic,
weren't I?
Oh, yes.
- NERO: Send them into battle.
And I suggest you make
the correct noise.
Tchnk, tchnk, tchnk, tchnk.
SOLDIERS CHINK
Can't lose now, high V!
I'm the best at war!
Boudicca's going down.
Much like mother
on my imperial boat.
Yes, I don't need my mummy!
- POP MUSIC STARTS
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
Oh, hello, Mum.
My boat sank.
LAST CHORD OF SONG PLAYS
GOATS BLEA Uh, what are you doing?
Go on then,
write your ransom note.
You want me to write
my own ransom note?
Oh, Celts can't write.
Get writing, prisoner.
Send one unarmed soldier...
with thirty Roman coins.
Rude. I'm worth
way more than that.
SHE SNIGGERS
I'd say thirty was pushing it.
By the full moon,
or we'll send him back...
dead.
You have written that,
haven't you?
Word for word?
Of course.
IX men.
Wow. Loving the camouflage,
Cedric.
HE WHISPERS:
That's just a bush.
I knew that.
Right. Ready?
Booouuu...
- CELTS SHOUT: dicaaaa!
SOLDIERS SCREAM
Uh... where do you think
you're going, messenger?
So, how did Boudicca die?
Is her head on a spike?
Give me all the gory details.
Come on.
Well, the IX men
have now become the... ex-men.
Because the Celts were all like,
"Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh".
And the Roman guts were all like
squidge, squidge...
- Don't make the noises!
You only make the noises
when it's going well!
HE STRAINS
Who said you can move?
HE GRUNTS
Can I get some help?
- Hm?
A little bit of help.
Tuscan marble.
A table worthy
of a mighty Emperor.
On my three.
One, two, three.
Argh! Oooh!
DIMIDIUS SHOUTS:
Atti!
Atti, mate!
Atti!
Atti!
It's like he was here one minute
and now he's gone.
Oh, you don't think he was eaten
by a tiger?
I'm not sure there's tigers
in Britain.
A squirrel then?
HELMET CLANGS
- TIMIDIUS GASPS
We're under attack!
- CELCIUS: Form a testudo!
DIMIDIUS: Oh, it's from Atti.
- TIMIDIUS: What does it say?
Kidnapped by Celts.
Please rescue by the full moon.
Celts are sausages, espe...
- Uh, uh...
I think that says "savages".
Yeah.
- Yeah.
"Celts are savages,
especially the girls.
Atti. P.S. food awful.
P.P.S. Aaaargh!"
Are you expecting rain?
Has he turned up yet?
I will not lose
a man from my unit.
Still no sign of him, sir.
He must have deserted.
Deserted?
- He's just the type.
I know him from Rome.
Ah, Rome...
- ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS
Beautiful really not
that far away Rome.
He's probably stolen a horse
ridden to the coast
found a friendly fisherman
hitched a ride to Gaul,
and run all the way home.
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
Or something like that, anyway.
HE SNIFFS
DECIMUS: What?
- PAPER RIPS
Uh, what are you doing?
Shouldn't we be rescuing him?
You, stay out of it.
Very rude.
OWL HOOTS
My men are coming.
SHE SCOFFS Yeah, right.
I bet they'll be here
within the hour.
What's an hour?
You don't have sundials, do you?
Do you wanna see
something clever?
ORLA:
if I must.
OK.
Imagine that that is the sun.
This is Britain,
we don't have sun.
Imagine you're in Rome
and that is the sun.
Now as the sun rises
it casts a shadow
here...
and then at sunset...
there.
Now, all you do
is divide the daylight
into 12 equal sections
and each one of them
is a Roman hour.
Hours are shorter in the winter
and get longer in the summer.
Cos that's not confusing!
It's not, you see...
the days are longer
so the hours are longer.
Simple.
- So it's the summer now
which means the hours
are longer.
Mm-hm.
- So by my calculations
your "men will be here
in the next hour" means
they're never coming.
Loser.
CRICKETS CHIRP
OWL HOOTS
ATTI:
Guys, you came!
Oh, sorry, mate, wrong hut.
ATTI: Excuse me.
You left the door open.
Grab the old woman.
BRENDA:
Oi! Less of the old!
MAN: Up you get, love.
- BRENDA: Get off me!
SHE GRUNTS AND GROANS
MAN LAUGHS
That will teach you to mess with
the Brigantes.
Boot's on the other foot,
isn't it, lady?
See how you like it.
ATTI:
Ooh, they left the door open.
Orla.
Orla, Brenda's been taken.
What?
It must have been the Brigantes.
And the Roman has escaped.
Brilliant.
What if he gets his mates
and comes back here?
Well I don't understand.
I tied him up really well.
I'm gonna get him back.
No, you're not.
- He can't have got far.
This time I'll kill him
and then I'll go
and rescue Gran.
No way.
- Come on, Dad.
I'm ready to be a warrior.
Just let me prove it.
OK.
- Yes!
I'll need the sword.
You're impossible.
My own sword!
- Hey!
It's to borrow
and only use it in an emergency.
Thanks, Dad!
I can do it, trust me!
Hi, Orla.
HELMET CLANGS
Ugh, not again!
Can I just say
how well-tied your knots were.
Very impressive.
- Shut up
and prepare to die, Roman.
- No, no, no, stop.
They took your gran, right?
I can help you get her back.
How?
- I... um...
know stuff.
- Yeah, I won't be needing
a sundial.
- Not just sundials
other stuff... Roman knowhow.
We can share our skills.
Teamwork makes the dream work?
OK, fine.
But we're not a team.
You're still my prisoner.
I mean it.
If you try anything...
- SWORD SWOOSHES
Walk.
WOMAN:
To battle! To war! Ha, ha, ha!
Your army grows, Boudicca.
More Britons come to your side
every day.
How many are we now then?
- Fifty thousand.
Oh! Fifty thousand and one.
CROWD CHEERS
Welcome aboard.
Fifty thousand and two.
- CROWD CHEERS
Good to have you.
Fifty thousand and threeeee!
HE GRUNTS
- CROWD: Oh!
Uh, fifty thousand and two.
- BODY THUDS
Whoops! Uh...
Thanks for your service.
Shall we, uh...
Shall we go and burn London?
- Yeah, alright.
THEY ALL YELL
And this is me in Capri
at the imperial banquet
in my honour.
Nobody cares about
your holiday carvings, Mother.
And here's me
in my luxury VIP suite
in my luxury VIP villa.
Goat's brains in a rotten fish
guts sauce?
Nein. I couldn't possibly.
I'm too full.
Bucket. Bucket!
It's the polite Roman way.
Be sick so you can eat
more food.
And zey call us barbarians!
HE VOMITS
"Come to Nero's dinner party",
you said.
"It'll be fun", you said.
You won't believe this,
but one night
the ceiling right above my bed
collapsed.
It's almost like somebody
booby-trapped it.
Thank Juno I wasn't in bed
or I'd have been flattened.
Imagine.
Do excuse me. I just need
to nip to the loo.
Oh...
HE WEES
- HE SIGHS
HE KEEPS WEEING
HE KEEPS WEEING
SILENCE
HE WEES AGAIN
HE SIGHS Lovely.
I hear Boudicca is heading
for London.
You really ought to stop her.
You know what Claudius would
have done?
Guess what, I don't care
what Claudius would've done.
I'm in charge now.
Don't you forget it.
He'd have sent in the Governor.
HE MIMICS HER
"He'd have sent in the Governor"
Yeah. What? There's
a Governor in Britain?
Yes, Gaius Suetonius Paulinus.
And what is he doing?
He's in Wales, oh mighty one,
defeating Druids.
Druids?
- Savage Celtic priests.
Well, tell him to stop that
and to sort out Boudicca.
Well done, darling.
Don't patronise me.
I'm on top of this.
HE WHISPERS:
Where's Wales?
FIGHTERS GRUN ls nobody a match
for the mighty Paulinus?
Nero will no doubt bestow an
award for this.
ECHOING:
Paulinus! Paulinus!
Paulinus's name on the wind.
Tis the gods commending
his triumph.
Paulinus! Paulinus.
Oh, it is you, weedy messenger.
HE PANTS It's much...
much...
HE WHEEZES
It's much hillier than I thought
it would be.
Oh, it is Wales, Weed,
Druid country.
DRUID WAILS
- Hold that thought!
HE GRUNTS
SECOND DRUID WAILS
- THEY GRUN Paulinus has crushed them
in the name of Nero.
But that's just it.
Nero's message says
you are to stop immediately.
Stop?
- ALL BATTLE SOUNDS STOP
Paulinus never stops!
SOUND RESTARTS
- Oh!
You have to stop.
Nero is really annoyed.
What?
Ah!
Yes. An even greater victory
awaits Paulinus.
To destroy Boudicca
and vanquish the Celts.
Men! Stop!
DRUID:
Urgh!
Sorry.
Follow Paulinus!
At the double!
MESSENGER GASPS
You really don't need to point
that thing at me, you know.
Not now we're a team.
Bet you don't even know
how to use it.
SWORD SWOOSHES
Oh...
- Yep.
I train in secret.
I'm gonna be a warrior.
You know Celts are the toughest
fighters in the world.
Really?
So, why is there
a Roman Empire then?
Never heard of a British one.
You won't be so smug when
Boudicca has thrashed you.
I'm gonna join her army
after we've rescued Gran.
You actually want
to join the army?
You're crazy.
- No, I'm not.
It'll be awesome.
Looking all fierce
painted with blue woad,
being in a gang.
I was made to join up
as a punishment
Punishment?
How is it a punishment?
Uh... let me think about that.
Oh, there's the marching
the being shouted at,
the marching
the getting bullied.
Did I mention the marching?
CROWD CHANTS:
Boudicca! Boudicca!
No way!
SHE SCOFFS
It's Boudicca. She's here.
CROWD CHANTS:
Boudicca! Boudicca!
Come on.
CROWD SHOUTS AND CHEERS
BOUDICCA:
Hey! Hello!
CROWD CHANTS: Boudicca!
- BOUDICCA: Everybody OK?
BOUDICCA:
Come, let's do this!
MUSIC PUMPS
CROWD: Yah!
CROWD CHEERS
BOUDICCA:
What shall we do for an encore?
How about London?
- CROWD CHEERS
She's incredible.
I mean, look at her.
What are you doing?
Oh! Not scared
of a few Celts, are you?
Are you just gonna keep dancing
or do you wanna go rescue
your gran?
Yeah...
that's what I thought.
MEN CHATTER
ORLA:
There's Gran.
Let's go.
You can't just barge in there.
We'll get killed.
We need to be clever.
We need a plan.
Alright, big shot.
So what is your plan?
Well, the plan was to escape
before we got here.
So now...
No...
got nothing.
- You said Romans know stuff.
We do.
Yeah, we do.
A poppy?
You're giving me flowers?
No.
There's this Roman potion
I read about in my scrolls.
Just need a few more
ingredients.
MEN CHATTER
- Oh...
HE STIFLES A SNEEZE
Don't you dare!
It's the tree.
I think I'm...
a... allergic
HE SNEEZES
Whoa!
THEY GRUN CELTS SNORE
it worked.
How long before they wake up?
I dunno.
What do you mean,
you don't know?
HE SIGHS
I've never made it before.
I only read about it.
You mean they could wake up
any minute?
Gran.
Gran!
BRENDA:
Orla, you came.
What's he doing here?
Long story.
- Orla!
Can you chop this off for me?
I'll be back.
The plait. Not the head.
I know, I'm not a savage.
Mm...
Whoa.
Roman catapult.
Technically a ballista.
Awesome.
- Well...
It's Roman, isn't it? So...
Now all we need is a projectile.
Something heavy.
CELT SNORES
HE GROANS Not that heavy!
BODY THUDS
ORLA:
Stand back, gran!
Well done, my little brain ball!
Oh, food.
I am starving.
Gran, no!
- SHE SLURPS
CELT ROARS
Oh, no, they're waking up.
ZOMBIE-LIKE MOANING
Oh!
Ha!
- HORSE SNORTS
How do you make it go?
- Uh... give it a carrot.
What? You got a carrot?
- No!
ZOMBIE MOANING CONTINUES
- Come on, quick!
HORSE NEIGHS
Whoa!
Atti, where are the brakes?
Orla!
- MOANING CONTINUES
ATTI:
Wait.
CELTS YELL
Orla, slow down!
Oh, come on!
HE GASPS
Whoooo!
- ORLA: We did it!
Whoooo!
PAULINUS:
London burns.
Great fire.
Let's hope
it never happens again.
And so Boudicca destroys
another Roman city.
Her army overwhelms us.
CELCIUS:
Whoa, that must be him.
That must be Paulinus,
the Governor.
He's a lot smaller
than he looks in the mosaics.
Centurion Decimus Maximus
reporting for duty, sir!
HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS
- We may be outnumbered...
we may face certain death...
but we must strike the Celts
for the glory of Rome!
ALL:
The glory of Rome!
Is what some might say.
HEROIC MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
But if we turn this green grass
red with our own blood
the Celts will win
and where will the glory of Rome
be then?
Better to bide our time.
Wait for another opportunity
to confront her.
Would be the words of a coward!
HEROIC MUSIC RESTARTS
Our swords once drawn
cannot be sheathed
until they slay ten Celts each!
It does not matter
if we live or die...
HE SNORTS
would be the words
of a rash man.
HEROIC MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
- HE SIGHS
PAULINUS:
We will wait.
Let London burn.
We will have our hour later.
Or will we?
- HEROIC MUSIC RESTARTS
PAULINUS:
Yes, we will.
And so speaks Paulinus.
I'm a bit confused now.
I can't believe we just fired
a guy through the air.
Who taught you
how to make a catapult?
No one. I just read about them
in my scrolls.
Although, I think we may have
borrowed that idea
from the Greeks.
You stole it?
Yeah, but there's loads of other
great things
we did come up with.
Like what?
- Roman baths.
Actually, I think we nicked
that idea from the Greeks too.
You Romans are such
a bunch of thieves.
Gladiators. They're Roman.
What's a gladiator?
Someone who fights
for entertainment.
You'd love it.
- Yeah, sounds awesome.
ORLA:
I could have cut those ropes
on the cage with my sword.
ATTI:
Now you tell me.
Get down.
Celts. if they see you dressed
like that you're in trouble.
Nice!
HE SIGHS
Oh, traffic jam.
This is Colin,
your eye in the sky
with the travel news.
And there's heavy congestion
on Watling Street.
It is nose-to-tail out there.
HORSE FARTS
- Phew!
As thousands of Celts head
to join Boudicca's rebellion
we're seeing jams build up
right here
where three lanes
merge into one.
Ah, yes, classic bottleneck.
Hey, you cut me up!
If you don't shut it,
I will cut you up.
Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
This is actually happening.
CROWD CLAMOURS
CROWD CHANTS:
Fight, fight, fight!
We'll get stuck
if we go up there.
Let's find another way.
HARP CLINKS
HARP CLINKS
HARP CLINKS
- FOOTSTEPS RUN AWAY
Sorry we missed you.
You were out.
Wait! I'm in!
I'm in, by Jupiter!
LIQUID SPLASHES
- HE SIGHS
Oh, someone's nervous.
Sponge?
Oh, thanks very much.
Ah, caught short were you?
What news?
No news, Emperor.
I was just passing.
What's that then?
Oh, oh, oh, oh this?
Oh, it's just a bit of paper...
that I'm using to, um...
HE FARTS
wipe my bottom.
Toilet paper?
That will never catch on.
You're lying.
"London has fallen".
- HE GASPS
Boudicca has burnt down
another one of my cities.
Right! No more Mr Nice Guy.
THEY FAR - POO PLOPS
NERO: Ah, this is all
your fault, Claudius.
You had to go and conquer
that weird stain Britain.
Now I'm gonna be the Emperor
who lost the Roman Empire.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE:
I could help you.
Whoa!
Claudius, you speak!
I'm sorry about the whole
murdering you thing.
CLAUDIUS:
Forget about it.
Want to know
how to save Britain?
Yes, yes, yes. Please, yes.
CLAUDIUS: Tell Paulinus
he cannot win on strength.
He must use strategy.
Find a way to trap the Celts.
Ooh, trap them, that's good.
CLAUDIUS:
And listen to your mother.
For she is clever
and cunning
and really quite beautiful.
Be sure to give her
whatever she asks for.
NERO: Mother!
- I'm right, though
aren't I?
Orla's back!
BRENDA YAWNS
Dad, we did it.
We rescued Gran.
Ah, my girl.
My little Celtic warrior.
I'm so proud of you.
Hold on, what's that Roman doing
back here?
I thought you was gonna
kill him, Orla.
We could kill him.
Wait, I um... I helped her
rescue Brenda.
BRENDA:
it is true. He did.
We should be thanking the gods.
Exactly.
- BRENDA: So...
let's sacrifice him.
Ahem. What?
- Sacrifice.
Yeah, drown him in the bog!
Uh, hang on a minute.
No, he'll be an offering
to our gods.
You lucky thing.
Hey, it's a great honour.
Orla, tell them, please.
- Bog!
CELTS CHANT:
Bog! Bog! Bog! Bog! Bog!
Come on!
ATTI:
Orla?
Orla help!
MRS DOUGAL RAPS
Bog on the bog
A bogga bog bog
It's time to bogga bog
Take it to the bog,
can't bring it to the bog
A bogga bogga bogga
to the max I am
No stopping in the bog
Let's drop him in the bog
Bogga bogga bogga bogga bog
Let's jam, yeah,
let's jam, yeah
Yeah. As you were.
SHE GIGGLES
- BOG CHANTING CONTINUES
Orla, do something.
- ORLA: Dad, wait, just wait.
Look, me and Atti,
we rescued Gran together.
So I really think...
I should have the honour
of killing him.
What?
I thought we were mates.
Well, I have proved myself,
haven't I?
Yes, yes you have.
Go on, he's all yours.
Makes you proud.
Oh, they grow up so fast.
Seriously?
After everything?
Shut up and keep walking.
When I tell you to run
leg it and don't look back.
Really?
Won't you get into trouble?
What will your dad say?
Thanks, Orla.
Run!
- MAN: Oi!
DOUGAL: He's getting away.
- Oh, she's letting him go.
What was that for?
We never get to chuck anyone
in the bog any more.
Dad, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
DOUGAL:
Not a good enough reason.
HE PANTS
ATTI:
Guys! Guys!
It's me, I found you.
Atti!
- Oh, yeah...
we were gonna come and rescue
you but, uh...
CELCIUS:
Hello, Atti!
I've caught the deserter!
Deserter? What?
No, I was captured and taken
prisoner by a tribe of Celts.
Tell us the location
of this tribe
and they will feel
the wrath of Rome.
ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS
- Beautiful, civilised Rome.
With its brick walls
and proper toilets.
ITALIAN MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
What, soldier?
I... I can't tell you
their location.
Because there is no such tribe.
The deserter is to receive
100 lashes.
Could be worse.
- And then is to be
cudgelled to death
by his comrades.
Yeah, that's worse.
THEY BOTH SING
Stop that! Stop it!
- MUSIC STOPS
It's too slushy!
I won't have slushy songs,
not on my watch.
HIS VOICE BREAKS
Bad for troop morale.
Hey, Brenda.
You haven't seen Orla, have you?
I thought she might have
followed us back.
You know where she will have
gone, don't you?
Boudicca.
Oh, and she's gone into battle.
ARGHUS:
Come on!
PAULINUS: Boudicca has
destroyed St Albans.
The Celts outnumber us
ten to one.
Paulinus cannot win
on strength alone.
Nero wants us to use strategy.
Find a way to trap the Celts.
But Paulinus does not know how.
Atti knows.
Atti knows how.
Who's Atti?
- He's me.
Why do you speak of yourself
in the third person?
Only big-heads do that.
Sorry, sir.
- 100 lashes.
PAULINUS:
Wait!
What have you got to say?
He's a deserter, sir.
Not you, him. Hold on...
A deserter?
- No, wait.
I have an idea, just...
I can help you, I know stuff.
Just, please, give me a chance.
Paulinus will not...
- WHIP SNAPS
ATTI GRUNTS
- No, wait, hold on.
Paulinus will not punish you
until he hears your idea.
Sorry, I thought you meant...
- You have one chance.
Do not fail.
Hello.
My name is Attilius Minus
and I was brutally captured
by the Celts.
We don't wanna hear
your sob story, boy.
Nobody likes a cry baby.
So what's your strategy?
- Um, well, what you need
is a landscape that works
as a bottleneck.
So loads of people can get in
but only a few can get
to the front at one time.
The rest will be trapped.
But where are we gonna find
somewhere like that?
HE SNIGGER Idiot.
I've seen the perfect spot.
It's just by Watling street.
Paulinus does not
like this plan.
HE LAUGHS Yeah!
He loves it.
Genius.
The boy's a credit to Rome.
SOLDIERS CHEER
Here we are at Watling Street
and look...
it's a bottleneck.
It's perfect.
Paulinus will sit here
and draw the Celts
into his trap.
Uh, your trap. Our trap.
Go. Make sure Boudicca knows
exactly where we are.
Paulinus is gonna
slaughter them all.
Slaughter them?
- Yeah.
What do you mean?
- Slaughter, verb. Transitive.
Meaning to kill or butcher
in a brutal or violent manner.
There, um... there must be
a misunderstanding.
I thought you were just gonna
trap them? Take them prisoner.
Oh, no. To oppose Rome
is to die.
And thanks to you, Attilius,
the only Celts left
will be dead Celts.
What have I done?
Has anyone heard from Paulinus?
Has he thought of a strategy?
Maybe I should just give
Britain up as a bad job, yeah?
Let them keep their miserable
little country.
AGRIPPINA:
Oh, my darling.
Would you like Mummy
to take over?
No, leave me alone.
Uh, message for you.
A message, my Emperor.
From Paulinus?
Boudicca.
I can't play the lyre?
Well, she has a point.
You never do your practice.
And I sing like a girl?
Well that's what it says.
SHE SIGHS
Let me give you some advice.
- Right, that's it.
Will someone just do me a favour
and killer her?
KNIFE SWOOSHES
- Ow!
SHE GASPS
I meant Boudicca.
Hm?
- Argh!
Sorry.
- Don't be.
It's a good job, unsubtle
but effective.
I was probably over-thinking it.
I should thank you.
HE CHUCKLES
Thank you, my Emperor.
But you did just kill my mother
so I will have to execute you
instead.
Guards.
Ugh! After all that I've done
for you?
Oh, I never liked you anyway.
Now that she's gone,
that just leaves Boudicca.
Watch out, woad face,
Rome is comin' atcha!
ARMIES CLAMOUR
Aye, well, there's loads
of us now.
Well, excitement here
is reaching fever pitch.
The headline act is due on
any minute
and what a turn out.
Cartloads of fans have come
to see the show.
And they haven't been put off
by the mud
or the terrible toilets.
Oh, no, I dropped
my sword down there!
Oh!
SHE GROANS
CROWD CLAMOURS
And here she is now,
the woman of the moment.
Queen B! Queen B!
Hello, Watling Street.
It's great to be here.
Let's see if we can go
and speak to her.
Boudicca. Colchester, London...
St Albans. You destroyed them
all, I mean, what a tour!
Yeah, thanks.
- GIRL: I love you!
And the followers here certainly
seem fired up for a big finale.
Yeah, well, you know.
I wanted to give the fans
what they're after.
Get them right up close
to the action looking at me.
Now, I've got to ask
if you do need to retreat
won't these carts be in the way?
Retreat?
SHE LAUGHS
Uh, I don't know the meaning
of the word.
You know, there are only
10,000 of them.
There's 100,000 of us.
We're gonna knock 'em dead!
Well, confident fighting talk
there.
Now over to the battlefield.
ARGHUS: How are we
gonna find her here?
BRENDA:
There are so many people.
Orla!
Orla!
Dad?
I'm a warrior!
Look at me! Whoo!
ORLA:
Wait, I'm not ready.
Wait, stop, wait, Dad!
Dad, help me!
I've changed my mind!
ORLA SHOUTS:
Dad!
ARGHUS:
Orla, where are you?
MUSIC STARTS
Uh, we just gotta get
our praying out of the way.
Oh, yeah, us too, yeah.
ARMY ROARS
MUSIC STOPS
- ARMIES SHOUT AND GRUN "Come on holiday", you said.
"Britain's nice this time
of year", you said.
I want a divorce.
Fair enough.
Anyone missing a head?
No!
Atti!
- Orla!
Thanks. Duck!
Pretend you're fighting me.
ATTI: Do you still
wanna be a warrior?
I just wanna get out of here.
Team?
- Team.
CELT MAN: Run away!
- CROWD SHOUTS
CELT MAN 2: I can't go through!
It's blocked!
Argh!
- Sorry.
ARGHUS GROANS
Boudicca. Let me kill her.
BOUDICCA GRUNTS
ATTI:
Hey, Celcius.
How does it feel
to be bested by a girl?
I will never, ever
be bested by a girl.
Bested.
- HE GRUNTS
BOUDICCA:
Oh, thanks, kid.
You're the best.
Oh, keep it. It's yours.
Really? Oh, I'm such a fan.
Being famous is not all
it's cracked up to be, you know.
There's a lot of haters
out there.
But you've got real talent, kid.
Do you think?
Sure. You remind me
of me at your age.
SHE SIGHS
Right, I've gotta roll.
BOUDICCA YELLS
A BATTLE CRY
Where's she gone?
MAN:
Orla!
Orla, come quick!
It's your dad!
Dad?
ATTI:
I know what to do.
I can help.
- Back off, Roman.
Dougal's getting some proper
Celtic medicine.
DOUGAL:
Stand back, please.
Give him a lick.
Give him a lick.
Go on. Who's a good boy?
Who's a good boy?
Don't do that, it's unhygienic.
You need to clean the wound.
Bees. Go get me
some honey from that nest.
Seriously?
- Honey is antiseptic.
Listen to him.
He knows his stuff.
DOUGAL GRUMBLES
What's that?
- Vinegar.
Stops infections.
DOUGAL GRUNTS
- BEES BUZZ ANGRILY
Oh, you little bees.
Is he gonna be OK?
DOUGAL: Here's the honey.
- Thanks.
I think he'll be alright.
It's all my fault.
It's not your fault.
It's mine.
It was me who told Paulinus
about the bottleneck.
What?
- I'm such an idiot.
No, you're not.
You're clever.
That's why I like you.
Thanks, Orla.
- But don't get me wrong.
You still messed up, big time.
ARGHUS GROANS
Dad!
- Hello.
Huh, oh...
That feels better already,
you know.
Got anything for bee stings?
I am so proud of you.
You are a fine Celtic warrior.
And that sword...
is yours to keep.
Thanks, Dad.
But I don't wanna be a warrior
anymore.
Fighting is stupid.
People get hurt.
SWORD SWOOSHES
- MAN YELLS
Sorry, Dougal!
Did we win?
PAULINUS:
Paulinus is victorious!
Throw down your weapons,
Celts! It's over!
Agree to live under Nero's law
and Paulinus will show mercy.
But we, we don't wanna be Roman.
To oppose Rome is to die.
Fair enough. Yay, Rome.
Rome brings civilisation.
I like being uncivilised!
SHE BURPS AND LAUGHS
Oh, for Jupiter's sake!
CELT FARTS
- PAULINUS: Who was that?
I'm Fartacus.
THEY LAUGH
- MAN 1: No, no.
I'm Fartacus.
No. I'm Fartacus.
CELTS LAUGH
- I'm Fartacus.
CELTS LAUGH
- I'm Fartacus.
I'm Fartacus and so is my wife.
CELTS LAUGH
- CELTS BLOW RASPBERRIES
Send news to Nero that Paulinus
has vanquished the Celts.
Although...
frankly, I don't know
why we bothered.
Centurion.
You've served Rome well.
ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS
- Sweet Rome.
I don't mind telling you,
I've missed the place a bit.
By way of reward
Nero gives you ten acres
of land for your retirement.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Where is it? Tuscany? Capri?
Essex.
- ITALIAN MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
HE CRIES
HE SOBS
SOLDIERS MURMUR
PAULINUS:
Attilius Minus.
Rome thanks you.
Without you...
we should not have come to
victory in this battle.
Yeah. Let's not make
a big deal of it.
Nero will want to reward you
himself.
Come.
But wait, now?
Back in Rome you will
be celebrated as a hero.
You'll have all the scrolls
you've ever dreamed of.
You'll be well famous.
Can I have your signature?
- I wanna go home!
Wait. Why doesn't Decimus go
in my place?
Why?
- It doesn't matter. Who cares?
It's a brilliant idea.
Here, he can even have my land.
ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS
Rome, sweet Rome, wahoo!
ITALIAN MUSIC FADES
The thing is, I...
I kind of like it here.
I like the people.
But they're stupid.
- They're not stupid.
They're just different.
I've learned stuff from them
and we've shared some fun.
Anyway, I see this
as Paulinus's victory.
You should have all the glory.
Yeah, you're right.
Paulinus does deserve
to take the credit.
Bring the prisoner.
What prisoner?
- PAULINUS: Boudicca.
Uh...
About that, she, uh...
Don't tell me you let her
get away?
Uh...
- What happened to her?
What will Paulinus tell Nero?
You have failed.
You will receive your just
reward when we return to Rome.
TIMIDIUS:
Ooooooh!
THEY GIGGLE Oh...
THEY LAUGH
Emperor.
Paulinus brings news
of a great victory.
Yes, I heard. I won.
Write that down, historian.
"Nero won a great victory".
So tell me, how exactly
did I kill Boudicca?
Ah, er, yeah.
Paulinus knows not the exact
nature of Boudicca's fate.
But she is dead, right?
Because if she isn't,
I know someone who is.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
She's dead.
She's definitely dead.
It's just the "how"
is up to you.
What do you mean?
- Well...
history is written
by the victor.
Yeah, that's right.
So, write this down historian.
Boudicca was so frightened
by the magnificent heroic
Nero...
that she poisoned herself.
And that's it. That's true.
I'm thinking of wearing these
to my victory parade.
What do you think?
Bit much?
Paulinus would have to say...
uh, no.
Seem very dark, though.
Of course they are.
They're sunglasses.
I've just invented them.
Right, is everything secure?
Yes. My men have checked
everywhere for assassins, sir.
All clear.
HE GAGS
Well then, let's do this.
Sorry.
CROWD CHANTS:
Nero! Nero! Nero!
CROWD GASPS
- NERO GRUNTS
Historian, don't you dare
write that down.
Hail Mercury, messenger
of the gods.
Pray send word
that Atti is safe.
Here's a letter from Atti.
Oh, that was quick!
What does he say?
Oh, Britain good.
Celts helping me build a house
to live in.
The savages are lovely.
I think that says "sausages".
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, Atti.
Fancy joining us for dinner?
Yes, please. What is it?
Baked parsnip.
- Lovely.
Need some rotten fish gut sauce
with that?
Dad?
Mum, Dad, you came.
JULIA:
Oh!
He talked so much about Britain
in his letters
we wanted to see it
for ourselves.
Well, what do you think?
Atti has taught us how
to make concrete.
ANTONIUS:
Like it.
Nice one, son.
Oh...
Ah...
Have a swig of this.
What is it?
- We call it wine.
It's basically
rotten grape juice
which gives you
a massive headache
and makes you
embarrass your kids.
Oh, sounds right up my street.
Mm.
I've got a brooch just like
that.
Really?
Salut.
MUSIC STARTS
MUSIC STOPS
- They won't will they?
No, not for about seven years,
or so.
THEY LAUGH
- THEY CHATTER
OK? Ah...
Did I miss anything?
HE CHUCKLES
What have you done
with your hair?
Looks different.
Like Boudicca.
- Yeah, well...
I'm gonna be Queen
of the tribe one day.
Someone's gotta kick
all the Romans out.
You are joking, right?
Might be.
Come on.
Time flies Our story's done
But history keeps rolling on
Big winners, epic fails
Two sides to every tale
Time flies,
it's been a blast
But history is built to last
One empire gets the sack
Another one strikes back
Time flies
We're through
Still history's
Got plans for you
Boo!
HE CHUCKLES
Fooled you!
Hey, wait, don't go yet!
You'll miss the best bit!
Oh no, not all the names.
There's so many names.
Oh, why are there so many names?
HE YAWNS
The best bit is where I tell you
what was true
and 100% accu-rat!
I bet you're wondering what
really happened
to Boudicca, aren't you?
Yeah, well, so is everyone.
One roman historian did write
that she poisoned herself
after the battle
to avoid being captured.
But another one said
she died from illness
and had this great big
elaborate funeral.
So, basically, you can make up
your own mind.
One thing's for sure, the Romans
didn't capture Boudicca
or they'd have taken her back
to Rome
and bragged about it big time.
You know what
those Romans are like.
Hm, hang on!
Look at all that
popcorn and sweets
you've dropped on the floor!
Oh! That's not nearly enough!
I'm coming down there to stuff
my little furry face.
Back in a tick.
RATTUS HUMS
The sun is always
shining here
This city we call home
- WOMAN SCREAMS
WOMAN:
A rat! It's a rat!
An empire ruled by Rome
- WOMAN SCREAMS
MAN: What was that?
- Togas, Roman baths
And roads
Creations that we spread
Conquered people welcomed us
Cos if they didn't,
they'd be dead
KID: Look, Mummy,
there's a rat!
Rome, we colonise ya!
Rome, we civilise ya!
- MAN: Ah! It's a rat!
Rome, and we brutalise ya!
There's no place like Rome
HE CHUCKLES
A particularly big thank you
to whoever was sitting
in row 12.
Yes, you. You are
my favourite litter bugs.
Om, nom, nom, nom.
So, anyway, the film is
cram-packed with juicy facts.
Like Agrippina really did bump
off husband Claudius
with a poison feather
so her son could be Emperor.
And she put her own face
on the coins
and generally annoyed
Nero so much
that he had her killed.
Yeah... after trying
the booby-trapped boat
and a collapsible
bedroom ceiling.
HE SLURPS NOISILY
Fizzy, mmm...
Then it was Nero's turn
to meet a sticky end.
He ended up being betrayed
by his own men.
Oh, and speaking of sticky...
Look at this. It's bubble-gum!
HE GOBBLES
It's a bit hairy, but...
do you know what?
It's just how I like it.
HE GIGGLES AND GULPS
AIR GURGLES
- HE GASPS
Oh, note to self.
Never drink fizzy drinks
and swallow bubble-gum!
POP
- Argh!
Now I'm Fartacus.
Think I need a shower.
In horse wee, of course.
Whilst I do that
do you want to hear the rest
of Atti and Orla's soppy song?
You know, the one that got
so rudely interrupted.
You know you do.
Well, here it is!
ATTI:
I'm in a bind
That's what I find
Cos I went with my heart
not my head
Couldn't let them hurt her
Now, I'm a deserter
Should I have
betrayed her instead?
ORLA:
Thought I was strong
Maybe I'm wrong
Made a friend
of my enemy, Rome
Lacked the killer punch
When it came to the crunch
Now, I'm Orla...
All alone
BOTH SING:
Wish I could turn
the sundial back
To before I felt this pain
Having a BFF
Made my life a mess
Will I ever see her again?
- Will I ever see him again?
Oh, I... I miss you
Sorry I dissed you
First time that I met you
You drove me round the bend
Now...
You're a friend
ATTI:
I put her first
Seems that's the worst...
...crime a soldier
can commit
But I don't care
The adventures we shared
I loved every second of it
ORLA:
I'll take my sword
Join Boudicca's hoard
Lead the fight
to our enemy road
But my head is reeling,
I'm left with the feeling
I'm Orla...
All alone
BOTH SING:
Wish I could turn
The sundial back
To before I felt this pain
Having a BFF
Made my life a mess
Will I ever see her again?
- Will I ever see him again?
Oh, I... I miss you
Right, that's it, film done.
Until the inevitable sequel.
Hey, I'm part of the Hollywood
in crowd now.
I'm going round to Scarlett
Johansson's place. Yeah.
I haven't been invited.
I'm just gonna sneak in
through the u-bend.
Oh, and see you
at the Oscars. Yeah.
I'm gonna sneak in there an all!
HE LAUGHS Bye!
ATTI SINGS:
You're a friend
ORLA SINGS:
You're a friend
BOTH SING:
Your friend.
HE COUGHS
Oh, that's really not good for
your tonsils, that.
Ugh, right, that's enough
of the logos.
I bet you've all finished
your popcorn
in the time it took
to watch all that.
HE CHUCKLES
Can we please start the movie?
Whoa!
RATTUS RATTUS (VO):
Ancient Rome.
The centre of civilisation.
"Wasn't built in a day,
you know".
Although that was the builder's
original estimate.
Little joke for builders, there.
What's that other saying?
"All sewers lead to Rome ".
Yeah, that's the one.
Cor, look at the manure
on that cart.
It's like
an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Om, nom, nom, nom, nom.
Anyway, it's 54AD
and Emperor Claudius is
in charge here.
But maybe not for long...
Doom!
Doom!
The chicken guts
speak the future.
Betrayal, conspiracy and death!
In other words, just a normal
day in Rome, really.
Has anyone seen my chicken?
No, uh, not me.
- BELL TOLLS
HE GROANS IN AGONY
Oh! I am done for!
Poisoned!
- SHE SOBS
I journey to the underworld
happy that I...
HE GASPS
C-C-Claudius shall ever
he remembered
as the Roman emperor
who finally...
c-conquered Britain.
Hey, where's Britain?
Is that part of the empire?
I thought it was just
a weird stain.
Argh!
- Oh!
Oh!
- Where's the doctor?
Oh, actually, I'm feeling
a lot better now
I don't think I need a doctor.
Darling, you can't be
too careful.
Doctor, come quickly,
it's my husband.
What's the matter?
- He's not dying!
Not dying?
Between me and you, Mother
poisoned him with some mushrooms
but he's thrown them up.
So, I want you
to tickle his throat
with this poisoned feather
and finish the job.
I couldn't possibly.
Or you'll be next.
Emperor?
- No, really
I'm feeling OK, now.
Open wide, say "Ah ".
Argh!
Yes, get in!
Sorry, can I...
Who's in charge now?
All hail my son
Emperor Nero.
THEY CHANT " NERO"
Hail me, cheers, Mum.
Ruler of the whole Roman Empire
Even that stainy bit.
Except, I'll be ruling until you
come of age.
What? That's not for another
five years.
FAN FARES SOU ND
Hu?
HE GULPS
Oh!
THUD
Phew.
HE WHlSTLES
- SlGN CREAKS
ANNOUNCEMENT:
Ladies and gentlemen
please take your seats
as the Emperor Nero birthday
games will begin shortly.
Would the owner of the blue
chariot registration CXB
Please remove it as it is
obstructing the arena gates.
Look at the queue!
Why is it always so long?
SHE SIGHS
- lt's a bottleneck.
A big crowd going through
a narrow entrance
causes an impediment
to the flow.
Don't be clever, Atti.
I think we should limit your
scroll time.
What?
- We ' re here to see
real men fighting.
Get stuck into
real Roman life, son.
Julia!
- Ave Flavia.
Is this your Celcius?
JULIA: He's been
accepted into the army.
Proper job for a proper Roman.
Well done, lad.
Cheers.
- JULIA: You must be so proud!
Couldn't be prouder. We've just
bought him some new sandals
to say well done.
- Check ' em out.
Why can't you be
more like Celcius?
SANDAL SELLER:
No fakes, no copies.
Loser!
- Sporcus the Gladiator's
very own sandals,
as worn by the man himself.
How much?
- Two hundred Denarii.
But it says 100.
No, it doesn't.
- Yeah, look. See?
A hundred Denarii.
Oh, well that's per shoe.
Who ever heard of " per shoe"?
Who's gonna buy one shoe?
A one-legged man?
Do you have this one in red?
Please don't sell them
to anyone else.
I won't...
unless they bring me
the money first.
Gladiator sweat!
Makes you young!
Gladiator sweat!
Lovely hum.
- How much?
To you, two hundred Denarii.
How do I know it works?
I'm 97, mate.
I'll take it.
STREET HAWKER CRlES
ANNOUNCEMENT: Feeling peckish?
- HE WHlSTLES
Why not try
our pick 'n' mix selection?
Peacock tongues, stuffed snails
and roast dormouse.
Available from the arena kiosk.
Right, you lot...
this is a big match.
It's Nero's birthday.
So I want all of you
to give it CX percent.
Got that?
- Yes, boss.
And remember,
when you get out there
you turn to Nero and you say
"We who are about to die...
salute you ".
What is it, Severus?
I've been getting into this
sports psychology thing
and that whole
"about to die" bit
it just really messes
with my energy, man.
I mean, it's kinda...
negative.
I just don't think it's me.
We all have our "thing ", right?
You're the massive one
you ' re the other massive one.
You're the one
with the funny voice.
IN A SQUEAKY VOICE:
I don't have a funny voice.
I thought I can be the...
"doesn't die" guy.
You listen to me.
Say it, or I ' ll kill you myself
and spare all these scumbags
the bother.
HE CHUCKLES
OK.
GLADIATOR TRAlNER:
Go on, move it the lot of you.
That's nowhere near enough.
HORSE WEES NOISILY
HE PANTS
Oh! I'm the legate from Britain.
Britain, you know,
edge of the Empire.
I have a gift for Emperor Nero.
Must be on the list.
Oh...
HECHUCKLES
Happy birthday, mein Emperor.
We have killed a bear
in your honour.
Hollowed him out for a onesie.
Oh, I love it.
Look, I'm a bear!
NERO ROARS
- Ow!
You scratched me.
Bear costume from Germany.
What are you doing?
- I'm making a list
so you can write
thank you letters.
Well, don't
because I'm in charge now
and I'm not writing
thank you letters.
People can thank me,
for taking their presents.
Shouldn't they? Yeah.
- Mm.
Next.
Ah, there! There we are,
right at the bottom.
NERO: Next?
- MAN: The Gaulish legate.
So, where are you from?
Britain.
- Oh.
What did you bring him?
A bag of rain?
HE LAUGHS
No, uh... lead.
Right, good luck with that.
HE CLICKS HlS TEETH
A razor? That's rubbish.
Take him away and punish him.
Oh, no!
SWORDS SWOOSH
- AGONISED GRUN NERO: Next!
- LEGATE: Greetings
from Britain.
- The stain, huh?
Ooh, heavy. I hope it's gold.
I hope it's gold, I hope it's
gold, I hope it's gold!
It's not gold.
It's lead!
Use it for lining tanks...
weights and measures...
Ha! lt's a joke!
Joke present.
I'll just go and get
your real present...
now...
Present, present, present...
Oh... uh... no.
Ah...
TRADER: Gladiator sweat!
- Oh.
Pure Gladiator sweat!
Cheers mate.
Oh! Perfect, one bottle
of sweat, please.
All gone, mate.
You snooze-icus, you lose-icus.
What? But I need it now.
Did I hear you need some
gladiator sweat?
LEGATE SIGHS
- Two hundred Dinarii.
I'll take it.
FAN FARE SOUNDS
Ladies and gentlemen...
Christians and lions!
Come on you lions!
- Shush!
Please, show your appreciation
for the all powerful ruler
of the Roman Empire!
Mum, Mum! He was talking
about me.
That's my throne Mother,
get off! Get off!
No, no! Darling, everyone's
watching.
Don't make a spectacle.
You said I'd be in charge,
so now I'm in charge.
Are you?
- Yes, whose face is it
on the coins, huh?
Whose face?
- My face.
Exactly, your face.
What?
HE TUTS
Well what's your face doing on
my coins?
FAN FARE SOUNDS
- AUDlENCE APPLAUDS
We who are about to die
salute you.
Oh, goody,
some mindless violence.
IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
Who' s got a funny voice now, eh?
Hiyah!
SICKENING THUD
- CROWD GROANS
"Come to the games", you said.
"I've got front row seats",
you said.
On the head, son!
- GLADIATORS GRUN Atti, where have you been?
SHE GASPS
How on earth did you get those?
I had this really clever idea.
My Emperor! From Britain...
what I meant to give you.
Pure Gladiator sweat.
The finest anti-aging lotion
in all of Rome.
Not that you need it, obviously.
It's a challenging aroma.
- Very.
HE SNIFFS Notes of fresh grass
and leather, I like it.
It's so you!
That's horse wee.
Horse wee?
- Lt's so " not" you.
You're dead.
- It was him!
He sold it to me.
My chambers now.
Oh!
NERO:
Right, punishments...
This one, I'm thinking,
roll down a hill
in a barrel full of spikes.
- Lnspired.
Say thank you to the Emperor.
- Thank you, Emperor.
Oh...
- NERO: And this one...
crucifixion.
- Wonderful.
Teeny hiccup, ooh...
legally you're not supposed
to crucify Roman citizens.
Annoying.
- Mm...
How about that one where they
sew ' em in a sack with a snake
a dog, a rooster and a monkey
and chuck ' em
in the river Tiber?
SYCOPHANTUS:
Technically that's for the crime
of killing your own father.
Oh, this is impossible!
He ruined my birthday!
He deserves a fate
worse than death.
Worse than death?
What could be worse than death?
I've got it!
I'll send you to Britain.
Where?
- NERO: Exactly.
I'll make you a soldier.
So you ' ll have to wear
short skirts
with bare legs
in the freezing cold.
No, please. I'm sorry.
To Britain with him.
- No, but...
but I can't fight!
I just wanted
a new pair of sandals.
See where being clever gets ya?
Shall I run Emperor a bath?
Why?
Oh, yeah!
You're not having a sword.
Dad, please.
- I said no, Orla.
But I wanna be a Celtic warrior!
Oh, it's not fair!
Girls my age in other tribes
have swords.
Yeah. Well, I am chieftain
of this tribe
and I'm saying to you,
you're not ready to fight.
But I am!
I want to fight Romans.
Why? We can't beat them,
they're too strong.
They're too organised.
METAL CLANGS OUTSlDE
- Whereas, the Celtic tribes
I mean they can't stop
feuding with one another.
What is that banging?
Excuse me.
CLANKING CONTINUES
- Uh... Brenda?
Hello. Where did you get
that shield from?
I, uh... I found it.
You didn't steal it off the
Brigantes tribe, did you?
Me? No.
Looks nice, Gran.
- Thanks, love.
Look...
We don't want to start a war
we can't win, you know?
The modern way of doing it
is to co-operate with
the Romans.
Argh!
- Like the Iceni tribe do.
Roman lovers!
Not all Romans are bad.
Well, name one good thing
about them.
Fine, um...
their roads are excellent.
So straight, you know.
How could you not like that?
I don't think Dougal likes it.
Oh, come on, Dad.
They're so annoying.
They just go round taking
whatever they want
marching all over everything.
I mean, why would we wanna
co-operate with them?
I've heard the lceni are doing
alright out of it.
Let's just go and see
for ourselves.
Can I come?
Yes, fine. Just...
try not to steal anything
What, me?
ARGH US:
Oh...
BRENDA:
Oh, lovely.
ARGH US:
Come on, Brenda.
Oh, look at the Roman pillars
on their chief's hut.
Oh, I like those.
Yes, the lceni are certainly
progressive.
ORLA: Yeah, their girls
are allowed swords.
Chief Prasutagus certainly knows
how to live.
Prasutagus is dead.
BRENDA LAUGHS
- Shh!
I tried to save him.
I used the most advanced
Celtic medicine.
You got a dog to lick him?
- Mm-hm.
Oh, then you did all
that could be done.
HE SOBS
That's Prasutagus ' wife,
Boudicca.
She's queen now.
As Roman Procurator,
it falls to me
Catus Decianus,
to read the Will.
"I, Prasutagus,
chief of the lceni
do hereby leave all
my worldly possessions to...
my cat.
I'm joking.
Joking.
- Sorry, what's a cat?
It's a Roman thing,
like a small furry dog
only it doesn't really like you
it just pretends to like you
to get food.
But it, it doesn't really matter
cos I, I was only joking.
Everything goes to Nero.
SHE LAUGHS
- That's the joke, right?
No. Perfectly serious.
Men.
HE WHlSTLES
SOLDIER 1: Yes, sir.
- SOLDIER 2: Sir.
But we had an agreement.
It was meant to be split between
Nero and me.
Minor technicality.
Put that back!
- Yeah, you see, in Roman law
only men can inherit,
so Nero says
as you don't have any sons
all your wealth defaults to him.
You should have read
the old small print.
We ' re Celts, we can't read.
Well, you can't do this.
We ' re Romans, we can do
anything we want.
Come on then, boys.
Let's get this stuff
back to Colchester.
That chaise is gonna look lovely
in my atrium.
Look, I won't stand for this!
This is not OK!
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
Yah!
CROWD YELLS
Whack ' em, smash ' em
ARGH US:
Come back here now.
What? But you said we should
follow the lceni's example.
Yes, well, not any more.
I don't get it. First you say
be more like the lceni
and then you change your mind.
Look, Orla, I don't want
you to get hurt.
You're all I've got.
BRENDA:
Ahem!
Stop coughing.
I don't think you're ready.
I am. Why won't you believe me?
I wanna take on the Romans
and I can.
I'll prove it.
- No, no...
Orla, back home now, OK?
Hey, wearing the chief's hat!
You could give Orla a chance,
you know.
Don't encourage her.
Where did you get that?
It's mine.
I brought it with me.
Really?
So I tell Catus, " Don't give any
of it to Boudicca.
It's mine, all mine."
Brilliant. Quite brilliant.
You do know she's started
a rebellion?
Yes. Thank you, Mother.
I can handle this on my own.
Alright, darling,
if you're sure.
I am sure.
Where are you going?
Well, since you don't want
my help
I thought I'd go on a little
imperial tour.
But the imperial tour's
for the Emperor.
For me to meet my subjects
on my imperial boat.
I'm the one in charge.
In charge of a terrible mess
in Britain.
I hope you're not remembered
as the Emperor who lost
part of his Empire.
Good luck stopping Boudicca.
Ciao.
If only there was a way
to get rid of her.
Send in more troops.
Not Boudicca, my mother.
How dare she take my boat?
My boat.
HE GASPS I have an idea.
Brilliant. Quite brilliant.
Well, you haven't heard it yet.
I'm gonna booby-trap the boat.
Make it sink
while my mother's on board.
You can say it now.
- Brilliant. Quite brilliant.
Anyway, I've got nothing
to worry about.
My troops ' ll smash
Boudicca to pieces.
FIGHTlNG NOISES
- CELTS LAUGH
Whoa! We smashed them!
That was awesome!
I'm so pumped, so pumped,
so pumped!
What an amazing show!
- Do you think we went a bit
overboard
with the smoke, though?
I mean...
Bouds, you were just like
"Hello, Colchester! ".
And then, you were like
"Goodbye, Colchester!"
THEY LAUGH
- Yeah! We really tore ' em up!
You were on fire.
Yeah!
Thanks for putting me out.
- Mm.
Hup, hup, hup, hup...
Hup, hup, hup, hup...
And... halt!
Welcome to Britain, loser.
Leave me alone, Celcius.
What are you gonna do
about it, Atti? Tell your dad?
ATTlGRUNTS
On your feet, soldier!
But, sir...
- Don't answer back.
Get down and give me ten!
DEClMUS: One!
- ATTl GRUNTS
DEClMUS:
Two!
Oh, make it five.
I haven't got all day.
Lame.
- Right, men, listen up!
This is my final mission
before I retire
and I intend to get it over and
done with
as quickly as possible
so I can return to Rome.
ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS
- Ah, beautiful Rome.
With its dry Mediterranean
climate and non-stop summers.
HE SNIFFS
- MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
Luckily, this is
an easy posting.
Nothing ever happens here.
- Oh, well that's a downer.
Ah, here comes the Procurator.
Hail, Catus Decianus!
Yes, welcome to Britain.
And you are welcome to it.
A Celtic Queen called Boudicca's
gone loco.
Completely destroyed Colchester.
Anyway, there are your orders.
Bye!
Catus, defend the Empire
and crush the Celts.
Hang on a minute.
These are your orders.
Just gonna borrow your boat.
You won't be needing it
seeing as you ' II all be dead!
Right, men, forward march!
For the glory of Rome!
ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS
Ah, wonderful Rome.
Its vines hanging heavy with
succulent, sun-ripened grapes.
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
- KNOCKING ON DOOR
Hello, I'm calling today
on behalf of Boudicca
Queen of the Iceni.
Sorry, I never buy things
at the door.
Oh, no, sir we ' re not selling,
we ' re recruiting.
For her army. We ' re asking
Celtic tribes to unite.
Yeah, not interested.
SWORDS SWOOSH
- You're either with us
or you're against us.
Oh, Boudicca's army, you say?
Yeah, that sounds great.
Love that. Yeah.
Bash them Celts
and smash their heads!
ARMY: Bash them Celts
and smash their heads!
I would rather be in bed
I would rather be in bed
We 're Roman soldiers
trained to kill
ARMY: We 're Roman soldiers
trained to kill
This guy really
needs to chill
This guy really
needs to chill
THEY CHUCKLE
- Atti, you're a legend.
DECIMUS: Quiet at the back!
- Oh!
I ' II show my dad.
DECIMUS: Rattie with
the Celtic tribes
ARMY: Battle with the Celtic...
- Stupid sandals.
Just a minute, hold on, guys
No, seriously. Guys, hold on.
Guys...
Argh!
ARMY CONTINUES CHANTING
Where's Atti gone?
- Dunno.
Now who says I'm not ready
to be a warrior?
Orla, what have you done?
Taken a Roman prisoner...
all on my own.
See, told you I could do it.
You're just gonna have to
take him back.
What? I thought
you'd be pleased.
You can't keep a prisoner.
It's hard work.
You have to feed it.
You have to exercise it.
Who's gonna clean up after him?
- I am here, you know.
He's my prisoner. I found him,
and I wanna keep him.
OK, fine.
You ' II get bored soon enough,
and then someone
will have to get rid of him.
There's no pleasing some people.
HE IMITATES BRENDA: "There's
no pleasing some people".
ATTI SNIFFS
You can't keep me in a pig shed.
It, it's inhumane.
- What?
This is our best hut.
Why does it smell
like animal poo?
How d 'you think we made
the walls? Stupid.
Oh, gross.
And who are you calling
"stupid "?
You're a Celt. I heard you lot
can't even read.
So?
- So, Celts know nothing
about anything.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Ha!
Oh...
Don't you like our decorations.
- Decorations?
You lot are savages.
- Says a Roman!
You're the ones turning up here
killing everyone.
Uh, we're civilising you.
Well, we don't wanna be
"civilised ", thanks.
We ' re happy with things
just the way they are.
What, you actually want walls
made out of poo?
In Rome, our houses are made
out of stone.
And we have proper decorations,
like sculptures
and mosaics and fountains...
- Really?
Well if it's so amazing, why
don't you just go back home?
No-one wants you here.
You should all go.
Before Boudicca makes you.
What, you seriously think the
Romans can be bested by a girl?
HE GRUNTS
Bested.
HE SIGHS
I ' II take that sword,
thank you, young lady.
Dad!
NERO CHUCKLES
Look, these two are fighting.
Ahem!
Alright, alright.
Uh, put the catapults here.
Very good, Emperor.
And then our troops are like,
"Oh, the Britons look cold
let's warm them up ".
They unleash burning tar
and the Britons are like
"Help, I'm melting ".
HE MAKES IMPACT NOISE
That's a Roman spear going
straight through the back.
I bring grave news, Emperor.
Oh, no. My mother's boat sank.
She's dead.
It's not about your mother.
It says Boudicca has burnt
Colchester to the ground.
You what?
Oh... please, Emperor,
don't shoot the...
HE YELLS
Fantastic shot.
MESSENGER GROANS
It says more tribes are joining
her uprising.
She's uniting the Celts.
No, no, no, no, no,
you did that all wrong.
Look, it's like this.
Clippity, cloppity,
clippity, cloppy.
NERO NEIGHS Clippity, cloppity.
How many times, Orla?
You cannot come
to Boudicca's rally.
Because number one,
you're not a warrior.
Yeah, I am.
Number two, you have got
a prisoner to feed.
And number three...
because I said so.
Alright? Let's bounce.
SHE SIGHS
Oh, what's that? I'm starving.
Parsnip soup.
Have you not got any
proper food?
Like sow's udders,
or flamingo tongues?
What?
- Jellyfish omelette?
SHE SIGHS
Well, if you don't want it...
No, I...
I'll try some.
Thanks.
- SOUP SLOPS
I'm Atti, by the way.
I'm...
not telling you my name.
Right. Well nice to meet you,
"Not Telling You My Name".
I'm Orla, alright.
So, Orla, what you gonna do
with me now
or don't you know?
- Of course I know.
I've had loads of prisoners
before. Like all the time.
Course you have.
I guess you're planning to...
ransom me.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's exactly
what I was thinking.
Ransom you and get some money.
Bingo. You get the cash.
I get to go home.
Everybody's happy.
I'm not interested
in your happiness.
Charming.
CROWD CHEERS
When two tribes go to war
we can burn the Roman capital
to the ground!
CROWD CHEERS
Imagine what we could do if all
the Celtic tribes united!
Hey, you're right.
Oi. Stop winding up the
Brigantes, will you.
I'm not!
- MAN: Take 'em all down.
So put aside
your petty squabbles.
Well who cares if he called you
names?
Who cares if she stole
your shield?
Was that you?
- Might have been.
Big nose!
- MAN: Hey!
Stealing's not nice, you know.
I'm gonna make you regret it.
- Oh, yeah?
You and who's army?
Me and my army!
- MEN: Yeah!
BOUDICCA:
Did you hear what I just said?
Alright, we need to unite.
This is war.
Too right it's war!
Fight, fight, fight, fight!
CROWD SHOUTS
Save it for the Romans!
My tribe, over here now!
You're gonna get
what's coming to you.
Whatever!
- By the full moon.
I'm sorry. But if you think you
can unite the Celtic tribes
good luck.
CROWD CLAMOURS
NERO: Who are these guys?
- Those are trees.
I knew that. Who are these?
That's the Ninth Legion.
The IX men.
The most feared fighting force
in the Roman Army.
We shouldn't use them. We should
give them the month off.
ARMY CHIEF:
Are you sure, Emperor?
No, of course
we should use them!
I was being sarcastic,
weren't I?
Oh, yes.
- NERO: Send them into battle.
And I suggest you make
the correct noise.
Tchnk, tchnk, tchnk, tchnk.
SOLDIERS CHINK
Can't lose now, high V!
I'm the best at war!
Boudicca's going down.
Much like mother
on my imperial boat.
Yes, I don't need my mummy!
- POP MUSIC STARTS
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
Oh, hello, Mum.
My boat sank.
LAST CHORD OF SONG PLAYS
GOATS BLEA Uh, what are you doing?
Go on then,
write your ransom note.
You want me to write
my own ransom note?
Oh, Celts can't write.
Get writing, prisoner.
Send one unarmed soldier...
with thirty Roman coins.
Rude. I'm worth
way more than that.
SHE SNIGGERS
I'd say thirty was pushing it.
By the full moon,
or we'll send him back...
dead.
You have written that,
haven't you?
Word for word?
Of course.
IX men.
Wow. Loving the camouflage,
Cedric.
HE WHISPERS:
That's just a bush.
I knew that.
Right. Ready?
Booouuu...
- CELTS SHOUT: dicaaaa!
SOLDIERS SCREAM
Uh... where do you think
you're going, messenger?
So, how did Boudicca die?
Is her head on a spike?
Give me all the gory details.
Come on.
Well, the IX men
have now become the... ex-men.
Because the Celts were all like,
"Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh".
And the Roman guts were all like
squidge, squidge...
- Don't make the noises!
You only make the noises
when it's going well!
HE STRAINS
Who said you can move?
HE GRUNTS
Can I get some help?
- Hm?
A little bit of help.
Tuscan marble.
A table worthy
of a mighty Emperor.
On my three.
One, two, three.
Argh! Oooh!
DIMIDIUS SHOUTS:
Atti!
Atti, mate!
Atti!
Atti!
It's like he was here one minute
and now he's gone.
Oh, you don't think he was eaten
by a tiger?
I'm not sure there's tigers
in Britain.
A squirrel then?
HELMET CLANGS
- TIMIDIUS GASPS
We're under attack!
- CELCIUS: Form a testudo!
DIMIDIUS: Oh, it's from Atti.
- TIMIDIUS: What does it say?
Kidnapped by Celts.
Please rescue by the full moon.
Celts are sausages, espe...
- Uh, uh...
I think that says "savages".
Yeah.
- Yeah.
"Celts are savages,
especially the girls.
Atti. P.S. food awful.
P.P.S. Aaaargh!"
Are you expecting rain?
Has he turned up yet?
I will not lose
a man from my unit.
Still no sign of him, sir.
He must have deserted.
Deserted?
- He's just the type.
I know him from Rome.
Ah, Rome...
- ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS
Beautiful really not
that far away Rome.
He's probably stolen a horse
ridden to the coast
found a friendly fisherman
hitched a ride to Gaul,
and run all the way home.
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
Or something like that, anyway.
HE SNIFFS
DECIMUS: What?
- PAPER RIPS
Uh, what are you doing?
Shouldn't we be rescuing him?
You, stay out of it.
Very rude.
OWL HOOTS
My men are coming.
SHE SCOFFS Yeah, right.
I bet they'll be here
within the hour.
What's an hour?
You don't have sundials, do you?
Do you wanna see
something clever?
ORLA:
if I must.
OK.
Imagine that that is the sun.
This is Britain,
we don't have sun.
Imagine you're in Rome
and that is the sun.
Now as the sun rises
it casts a shadow
here...
and then at sunset...
there.
Now, all you do
is divide the daylight
into 12 equal sections
and each one of them
is a Roman hour.
Hours are shorter in the winter
and get longer in the summer.
Cos that's not confusing!
It's not, you see...
the days are longer
so the hours are longer.
Simple.
- So it's the summer now
which means the hours
are longer.
Mm-hm.
- So by my calculations
your "men will be here
in the next hour" means
they're never coming.
Loser.
CRICKETS CHIRP
OWL HOOTS
ATTI:
Guys, you came!
Oh, sorry, mate, wrong hut.
ATTI: Excuse me.
You left the door open.
Grab the old woman.
BRENDA:
Oi! Less of the old!
MAN: Up you get, love.
- BRENDA: Get off me!
SHE GRUNTS AND GROANS
MAN LAUGHS
That will teach you to mess with
the Brigantes.
Boot's on the other foot,
isn't it, lady?
See how you like it.
ATTI:
Ooh, they left the door open.
Orla.
Orla, Brenda's been taken.
What?
It must have been the Brigantes.
And the Roman has escaped.
Brilliant.
What if he gets his mates
and comes back here?
Well I don't understand.
I tied him up really well.
I'm gonna get him back.
No, you're not.
- He can't have got far.
This time I'll kill him
and then I'll go
and rescue Gran.
No way.
- Come on, Dad.
I'm ready to be a warrior.
Just let me prove it.
OK.
- Yes!
I'll need the sword.
You're impossible.
My own sword!
- Hey!
It's to borrow
and only use it in an emergency.
Thanks, Dad!
I can do it, trust me!
Hi, Orla.
HELMET CLANGS
Ugh, not again!
Can I just say
how well-tied your knots were.
Very impressive.
- Shut up
and prepare to die, Roman.
- No, no, no, stop.
They took your gran, right?
I can help you get her back.
How?
- I... um...
know stuff.
- Yeah, I won't be needing
a sundial.
- Not just sundials
other stuff... Roman knowhow.
We can share our skills.
Teamwork makes the dream work?
OK, fine.
But we're not a team.
You're still my prisoner.
I mean it.
If you try anything...
- SWORD SWOOSHES
Walk.
WOMAN:
To battle! To war! Ha, ha, ha!
Your army grows, Boudicca.
More Britons come to your side
every day.
How many are we now then?
- Fifty thousand.
Oh! Fifty thousand and one.
CROWD CHEERS
Welcome aboard.
Fifty thousand and two.
- CROWD CHEERS
Good to have you.
Fifty thousand and threeeee!
HE GRUNTS
- CROWD: Oh!
Uh, fifty thousand and two.
- BODY THUDS
Whoops! Uh...
Thanks for your service.
Shall we, uh...
Shall we go and burn London?
- Yeah, alright.
THEY ALL YELL
And this is me in Capri
at the imperial banquet
in my honour.
Nobody cares about
your holiday carvings, Mother.
And here's me
in my luxury VIP suite
in my luxury VIP villa.
Goat's brains in a rotten fish
guts sauce?
Nein. I couldn't possibly.
I'm too full.
Bucket. Bucket!
It's the polite Roman way.
Be sick so you can eat
more food.
And zey call us barbarians!
HE VOMITS
"Come to Nero's dinner party",
you said.
"It'll be fun", you said.
You won't believe this,
but one night
the ceiling right above my bed
collapsed.
It's almost like somebody
booby-trapped it.
Thank Juno I wasn't in bed
or I'd have been flattened.
Imagine.
Do excuse me. I just need
to nip to the loo.
Oh...
HE WEES
- HE SIGHS
HE KEEPS WEEING
HE KEEPS WEEING
SILENCE
HE WEES AGAIN
HE SIGHS Lovely.
I hear Boudicca is heading
for London.
You really ought to stop her.
You know what Claudius would
have done?
Guess what, I don't care
what Claudius would've done.
I'm in charge now.
Don't you forget it.
He'd have sent in the Governor.
HE MIMICS HER
"He'd have sent in the Governor"
Yeah. What? There's
a Governor in Britain?
Yes, Gaius Suetonius Paulinus.
And what is he doing?
He's in Wales, oh mighty one,
defeating Druids.
Druids?
- Savage Celtic priests.
Well, tell him to stop that
and to sort out Boudicca.
Well done, darling.
Don't patronise me.
I'm on top of this.
HE WHISPERS:
Where's Wales?
FIGHTERS GRUN ls nobody a match
for the mighty Paulinus?
Nero will no doubt bestow an
award for this.
ECHOING:
Paulinus! Paulinus!
Paulinus's name on the wind.
Tis the gods commending
his triumph.
Paulinus! Paulinus.
Oh, it is you, weedy messenger.
HE PANTS It's much...
much...
HE WHEEZES
It's much hillier than I thought
it would be.
Oh, it is Wales, Weed,
Druid country.
DRUID WAILS
- Hold that thought!
HE GRUNTS
SECOND DRUID WAILS
- THEY GRUN Paulinus has crushed them
in the name of Nero.
But that's just it.
Nero's message says
you are to stop immediately.
Stop?
- ALL BATTLE SOUNDS STOP
Paulinus never stops!
SOUND RESTARTS
- Oh!
You have to stop.
Nero is really annoyed.
What?
Ah!
Yes. An even greater victory
awaits Paulinus.
To destroy Boudicca
and vanquish the Celts.
Men! Stop!
DRUID:
Urgh!
Sorry.
Follow Paulinus!
At the double!
MESSENGER GASPS
You really don't need to point
that thing at me, you know.
Not now we're a team.
Bet you don't even know
how to use it.
SWORD SWOOSHES
Oh...
- Yep.
I train in secret.
I'm gonna be a warrior.
You know Celts are the toughest
fighters in the world.
Really?
So, why is there
a Roman Empire then?
Never heard of a British one.
You won't be so smug when
Boudicca has thrashed you.
I'm gonna join her army
after we've rescued Gran.
You actually want
to join the army?
You're crazy.
- No, I'm not.
It'll be awesome.
Looking all fierce
painted with blue woad,
being in a gang.
I was made to join up
as a punishment
Punishment?
How is it a punishment?
Uh... let me think about that.
Oh, there's the marching
the being shouted at,
the marching
the getting bullied.
Did I mention the marching?
CROWD CHANTS:
Boudicca! Boudicca!
No way!
SHE SCOFFS
It's Boudicca. She's here.
CROWD CHANTS:
Boudicca! Boudicca!
Come on.
CROWD SHOUTS AND CHEERS
BOUDICCA:
Hey! Hello!
CROWD CHANTS: Boudicca!
- BOUDICCA: Everybody OK?
BOUDICCA:
Come, let's do this!
MUSIC PUMPS
CROWD: Yah!
CROWD CHEERS
BOUDICCA:
What shall we do for an encore?
How about London?
- CROWD CHEERS
She's incredible.
I mean, look at her.
What are you doing?
Oh! Not scared
of a few Celts, are you?
Are you just gonna keep dancing
or do you wanna go rescue
your gran?
Yeah...
that's what I thought.
MEN CHATTER
ORLA:
There's Gran.
Let's go.
You can't just barge in there.
We'll get killed.
We need to be clever.
We need a plan.
Alright, big shot.
So what is your plan?
Well, the plan was to escape
before we got here.
So now...
No...
got nothing.
- You said Romans know stuff.
We do.
Yeah, we do.
A poppy?
You're giving me flowers?
No.
There's this Roman potion
I read about in my scrolls.
Just need a few more
ingredients.
MEN CHATTER
- Oh...
HE STIFLES A SNEEZE
Don't you dare!
It's the tree.
I think I'm...
a... allergic
HE SNEEZES
Whoa!
THEY GRUN CELTS SNORE
it worked.
How long before they wake up?
I dunno.
What do you mean,
you don't know?
HE SIGHS
I've never made it before.
I only read about it.
You mean they could wake up
any minute?
Gran.
Gran!
BRENDA:
Orla, you came.
What's he doing here?
Long story.
- Orla!
Can you chop this off for me?
I'll be back.
The plait. Not the head.
I know, I'm not a savage.
Mm...
Whoa.
Roman catapult.
Technically a ballista.
Awesome.
- Well...
It's Roman, isn't it? So...
Now all we need is a projectile.
Something heavy.
CELT SNORES
HE GROANS Not that heavy!
BODY THUDS
ORLA:
Stand back, gran!
Well done, my little brain ball!
Oh, food.
I am starving.
Gran, no!
- SHE SLURPS
CELT ROARS
Oh, no, they're waking up.
ZOMBIE-LIKE MOANING
Oh!
Ha!
- HORSE SNORTS
How do you make it go?
- Uh... give it a carrot.
What? You got a carrot?
- No!
ZOMBIE MOANING CONTINUES
- Come on, quick!
HORSE NEIGHS
Whoa!
Atti, where are the brakes?
Orla!
- MOANING CONTINUES
ATTI:
Wait.
CELTS YELL
Orla, slow down!
Oh, come on!
HE GASPS
Whoooo!
- ORLA: We did it!
Whoooo!
PAULINUS:
London burns.
Great fire.
Let's hope
it never happens again.
And so Boudicca destroys
another Roman city.
Her army overwhelms us.
CELCIUS:
Whoa, that must be him.
That must be Paulinus,
the Governor.
He's a lot smaller
than he looks in the mosaics.
Centurion Decimus Maximus
reporting for duty, sir!
HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS
- We may be outnumbered...
we may face certain death...
but we must strike the Celts
for the glory of Rome!
ALL:
The glory of Rome!
Is what some might say.
HEROIC MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
But if we turn this green grass
red with our own blood
the Celts will win
and where will the glory of Rome
be then?
Better to bide our time.
Wait for another opportunity
to confront her.
Would be the words of a coward!
HEROIC MUSIC RESTARTS
Our swords once drawn
cannot be sheathed
until they slay ten Celts each!
It does not matter
if we live or die...
HE SNORTS
would be the words
of a rash man.
HEROIC MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
- HE SIGHS
PAULINUS:
We will wait.
Let London burn.
We will have our hour later.
Or will we?
- HEROIC MUSIC RESTARTS
PAULINUS:
Yes, we will.
And so speaks Paulinus.
I'm a bit confused now.
I can't believe we just fired
a guy through the air.
Who taught you
how to make a catapult?
No one. I just read about them
in my scrolls.
Although, I think we may have
borrowed that idea
from the Greeks.
You stole it?
Yeah, but there's loads of other
great things
we did come up with.
Like what?
- Roman baths.
Actually, I think we nicked
that idea from the Greeks too.
You Romans are such
a bunch of thieves.
Gladiators. They're Roman.
What's a gladiator?
Someone who fights
for entertainment.
You'd love it.
- Yeah, sounds awesome.
ORLA:
I could have cut those ropes
on the cage with my sword.
ATTI:
Now you tell me.
Get down.
Celts. if they see you dressed
like that you're in trouble.
Nice!
HE SIGHS
Oh, traffic jam.
This is Colin,
your eye in the sky
with the travel news.
And there's heavy congestion
on Watling Street.
It is nose-to-tail out there.
HORSE FARTS
- Phew!
As thousands of Celts head
to join Boudicca's rebellion
we're seeing jams build up
right here
where three lanes
merge into one.
Ah, yes, classic bottleneck.
Hey, you cut me up!
If you don't shut it,
I will cut you up.
Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
This is actually happening.
CROWD CLAMOURS
CROWD CHANTS:
Fight, fight, fight!
We'll get stuck
if we go up there.
Let's find another way.
HARP CLINKS
HARP CLINKS
HARP CLINKS
- FOOTSTEPS RUN AWAY
Sorry we missed you.
You were out.
Wait! I'm in!
I'm in, by Jupiter!
LIQUID SPLASHES
- HE SIGHS
Oh, someone's nervous.
Sponge?
Oh, thanks very much.
Ah, caught short were you?
What news?
No news, Emperor.
I was just passing.
What's that then?
Oh, oh, oh, oh this?
Oh, it's just a bit of paper...
that I'm using to, um...
HE FARTS
wipe my bottom.
Toilet paper?
That will never catch on.
You're lying.
"London has fallen".
- HE GASPS
Boudicca has burnt down
another one of my cities.
Right! No more Mr Nice Guy.
THEY FAR - POO PLOPS
NERO: Ah, this is all
your fault, Claudius.
You had to go and conquer
that weird stain Britain.
Now I'm gonna be the Emperor
who lost the Roman Empire.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE:
I could help you.
Whoa!
Claudius, you speak!
I'm sorry about the whole
murdering you thing.
CLAUDIUS:
Forget about it.
Want to know
how to save Britain?
Yes, yes, yes. Please, yes.
CLAUDIUS: Tell Paulinus
he cannot win on strength.
He must use strategy.
Find a way to trap the Celts.
Ooh, trap them, that's good.
CLAUDIUS:
And listen to your mother.
For she is clever
and cunning
and really quite beautiful.
Be sure to give her
whatever she asks for.
NERO: Mother!
- I'm right, though
aren't I?
Orla's back!
BRENDA YAWNS
Dad, we did it.
We rescued Gran.
Ah, my girl.
My little Celtic warrior.
I'm so proud of you.
Hold on, what's that Roman doing
back here?
I thought you was gonna
kill him, Orla.
We could kill him.
Wait, I um... I helped her
rescue Brenda.
BRENDA:
it is true. He did.
We should be thanking the gods.
Exactly.
- BRENDA: So...
let's sacrifice him.
Ahem. What?
- Sacrifice.
Yeah, drown him in the bog!
Uh, hang on a minute.
No, he'll be an offering
to our gods.
You lucky thing.
Hey, it's a great honour.
Orla, tell them, please.
- Bog!
CELTS CHANT:
Bog! Bog! Bog! Bog! Bog!
Come on!
ATTI:
Orla?
Orla help!
MRS DOUGAL RAPS
Bog on the bog
A bogga bog bog
It's time to bogga bog
Take it to the bog,
can't bring it to the bog
A bogga bogga bogga
to the max I am
No stopping in the bog
Let's drop him in the bog
Bogga bogga bogga bogga bog
Let's jam, yeah,
let's jam, yeah
Yeah. As you were.
SHE GIGGLES
- BOG CHANTING CONTINUES
Orla, do something.
- ORLA: Dad, wait, just wait.
Look, me and Atti,
we rescued Gran together.
So I really think...
I should have the honour
of killing him.
What?
I thought we were mates.
Well, I have proved myself,
haven't I?
Yes, yes you have.
Go on, he's all yours.
Makes you proud.
Oh, they grow up so fast.
Seriously?
After everything?
Shut up and keep walking.
When I tell you to run
leg it and don't look back.
Really?
Won't you get into trouble?
What will your dad say?
Thanks, Orla.
Run!
- MAN: Oi!
DOUGAL: He's getting away.
- Oh, she's letting him go.
What was that for?
We never get to chuck anyone
in the bog any more.
Dad, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
DOUGAL:
Not a good enough reason.
HE PANTS
ATTI:
Guys! Guys!
It's me, I found you.
Atti!
- Oh, yeah...
we were gonna come and rescue
you but, uh...
CELCIUS:
Hello, Atti!
I've caught the deserter!
Deserter? What?
No, I was captured and taken
prisoner by a tribe of Celts.
Tell us the location
of this tribe
and they will feel
the wrath of Rome.
ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS
- Beautiful, civilised Rome.
With its brick walls
and proper toilets.
ITALIAN MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
What, soldier?
I... I can't tell you
their location.
Because there is no such tribe.
The deserter is to receive
100 lashes.
Could be worse.
- And then is to be
cudgelled to death
by his comrades.
Yeah, that's worse.
THEY BOTH SING
Stop that! Stop it!
- MUSIC STOPS
It's too slushy!
I won't have slushy songs,
not on my watch.
HIS VOICE BREAKS
Bad for troop morale.
Hey, Brenda.
You haven't seen Orla, have you?
I thought she might have
followed us back.
You know where she will have
gone, don't you?
Boudicca.
Oh, and she's gone into battle.
ARGHUS:
Come on!
PAULINUS: Boudicca has
destroyed St Albans.
The Celts outnumber us
ten to one.
Paulinus cannot win
on strength alone.
Nero wants us to use strategy.
Find a way to trap the Celts.
But Paulinus does not know how.
Atti knows.
Atti knows how.
Who's Atti?
- He's me.
Why do you speak of yourself
in the third person?
Only big-heads do that.
Sorry, sir.
- 100 lashes.
PAULINUS:
Wait!
What have you got to say?
He's a deserter, sir.
Not you, him. Hold on...
A deserter?
- No, wait.
I have an idea, just...
I can help you, I know stuff.
Just, please, give me a chance.
Paulinus will not...
- WHIP SNAPS
ATTI GRUNTS
- No, wait, hold on.
Paulinus will not punish you
until he hears your idea.
Sorry, I thought you meant...
- You have one chance.
Do not fail.
Hello.
My name is Attilius Minus
and I was brutally captured
by the Celts.
We don't wanna hear
your sob story, boy.
Nobody likes a cry baby.
So what's your strategy?
- Um, well, what you need
is a landscape that works
as a bottleneck.
So loads of people can get in
but only a few can get
to the front at one time.
The rest will be trapped.
But where are we gonna find
somewhere like that?
HE SNIGGER Idiot.
I've seen the perfect spot.
It's just by Watling street.
Paulinus does not
like this plan.
HE LAUGHS Yeah!
He loves it.
Genius.
The boy's a credit to Rome.
SOLDIERS CHEER
Here we are at Watling Street
and look...
it's a bottleneck.
It's perfect.
Paulinus will sit here
and draw the Celts
into his trap.
Uh, your trap. Our trap.
Go. Make sure Boudicca knows
exactly where we are.
Paulinus is gonna
slaughter them all.
Slaughter them?
- Yeah.
What do you mean?
- Slaughter, verb. Transitive.
Meaning to kill or butcher
in a brutal or violent manner.
There, um... there must be
a misunderstanding.
I thought you were just gonna
trap them? Take them prisoner.
Oh, no. To oppose Rome
is to die.
And thanks to you, Attilius,
the only Celts left
will be dead Celts.
What have I done?
Has anyone heard from Paulinus?
Has he thought of a strategy?
Maybe I should just give
Britain up as a bad job, yeah?
Let them keep their miserable
little country.
AGRIPPINA:
Oh, my darling.
Would you like Mummy
to take over?
No, leave me alone.
Uh, message for you.
A message, my Emperor.
From Paulinus?
Boudicca.
I can't play the lyre?
Well, she has a point.
You never do your practice.
And I sing like a girl?
Well that's what it says.
SHE SIGHS
Let me give you some advice.
- Right, that's it.
Will someone just do me a favour
and killer her?
KNIFE SWOOSHES
- Ow!
SHE GASPS
I meant Boudicca.
Hm?
- Argh!
Sorry.
- Don't be.
It's a good job, unsubtle
but effective.
I was probably over-thinking it.
I should thank you.
HE CHUCKLES
Thank you, my Emperor.
But you did just kill my mother
so I will have to execute you
instead.
Guards.
Ugh! After all that I've done
for you?
Oh, I never liked you anyway.
Now that she's gone,
that just leaves Boudicca.
Watch out, woad face,
Rome is comin' atcha!
ARMIES CLAMOUR
Aye, well, there's loads
of us now.
Well, excitement here
is reaching fever pitch.
The headline act is due on
any minute
and what a turn out.
Cartloads of fans have come
to see the show.
And they haven't been put off
by the mud
or the terrible toilets.
Oh, no, I dropped
my sword down there!
Oh!
SHE GROANS
CROWD CLAMOURS
And here she is now,
the woman of the moment.
Queen B! Queen B!
Hello, Watling Street.
It's great to be here.
Let's see if we can go
and speak to her.
Boudicca. Colchester, London...
St Albans. You destroyed them
all, I mean, what a tour!
Yeah, thanks.
- GIRL: I love you!
And the followers here certainly
seem fired up for a big finale.
Yeah, well, you know.
I wanted to give the fans
what they're after.
Get them right up close
to the action looking at me.
Now, I've got to ask
if you do need to retreat
won't these carts be in the way?
Retreat?
SHE LAUGHS
Uh, I don't know the meaning
of the word.
You know, there are only
10,000 of them.
There's 100,000 of us.
We're gonna knock 'em dead!
Well, confident fighting talk
there.
Now over to the battlefield.
ARGHUS: How are we
gonna find her here?
BRENDA:
There are so many people.
Orla!
Orla!
Dad?
I'm a warrior!
Look at me! Whoo!
ORLA:
Wait, I'm not ready.
Wait, stop, wait, Dad!
Dad, help me!
I've changed my mind!
ORLA SHOUTS:
Dad!
ARGHUS:
Orla, where are you?
MUSIC STARTS
Uh, we just gotta get
our praying out of the way.
Oh, yeah, us too, yeah.
ARMY ROARS
MUSIC STOPS
- ARMIES SHOUT AND GRUN "Come on holiday", you said.
"Britain's nice this time
of year", you said.
I want a divorce.
Fair enough.
Anyone missing a head?
No!
Atti!
- Orla!
Thanks. Duck!
Pretend you're fighting me.
ATTI: Do you still
wanna be a warrior?
I just wanna get out of here.
Team?
- Team.
CELT MAN: Run away!
- CROWD SHOUTS
CELT MAN 2: I can't go through!
It's blocked!
Argh!
- Sorry.
ARGHUS GROANS
Boudicca. Let me kill her.
BOUDICCA GRUNTS
ATTI:
Hey, Celcius.
How does it feel
to be bested by a girl?
I will never, ever
be bested by a girl.
Bested.
- HE GRUNTS
BOUDICCA:
Oh, thanks, kid.
You're the best.
Oh, keep it. It's yours.
Really? Oh, I'm such a fan.
Being famous is not all
it's cracked up to be, you know.
There's a lot of haters
out there.
But you've got real talent, kid.
Do you think?
Sure. You remind me
of me at your age.
SHE SIGHS
Right, I've gotta roll.
BOUDICCA YELLS
A BATTLE CRY
Where's she gone?
MAN:
Orla!
Orla, come quick!
It's your dad!
Dad?
ATTI:
I know what to do.
I can help.
- Back off, Roman.
Dougal's getting some proper
Celtic medicine.
DOUGAL:
Stand back, please.
Give him a lick.
Give him a lick.
Go on. Who's a good boy?
Who's a good boy?
Don't do that, it's unhygienic.
You need to clean the wound.
Bees. Go get me
some honey from that nest.
Seriously?
- Honey is antiseptic.
Listen to him.
He knows his stuff.
DOUGAL GRUMBLES
What's that?
- Vinegar.
Stops infections.
DOUGAL GRUNTS
- BEES BUZZ ANGRILY
Oh, you little bees.
Is he gonna be OK?
DOUGAL: Here's the honey.
- Thanks.
I think he'll be alright.
It's all my fault.
It's not your fault.
It's mine.
It was me who told Paulinus
about the bottleneck.
What?
- I'm such an idiot.
No, you're not.
You're clever.
That's why I like you.
Thanks, Orla.
- But don't get me wrong.
You still messed up, big time.
ARGHUS GROANS
Dad!
- Hello.
Huh, oh...
That feels better already,
you know.
Got anything for bee stings?
I am so proud of you.
You are a fine Celtic warrior.
And that sword...
is yours to keep.
Thanks, Dad.
But I don't wanna be a warrior
anymore.
Fighting is stupid.
People get hurt.
SWORD SWOOSHES
- MAN YELLS
Sorry, Dougal!
Did we win?
PAULINUS:
Paulinus is victorious!
Throw down your weapons,
Celts! It's over!
Agree to live under Nero's law
and Paulinus will show mercy.
But we, we don't wanna be Roman.
To oppose Rome is to die.
Fair enough. Yay, Rome.
Rome brings civilisation.
I like being uncivilised!
SHE BURPS AND LAUGHS
Oh, for Jupiter's sake!
CELT FARTS
- PAULINUS: Who was that?
I'm Fartacus.
THEY LAUGH
- MAN 1: No, no.
I'm Fartacus.
No. I'm Fartacus.
CELTS LAUGH
- I'm Fartacus.
CELTS LAUGH
- I'm Fartacus.
I'm Fartacus and so is my wife.
CELTS LAUGH
- CELTS BLOW RASPBERRIES
Send news to Nero that Paulinus
has vanquished the Celts.
Although...
frankly, I don't know
why we bothered.
Centurion.
You've served Rome well.
ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS
- Sweet Rome.
I don't mind telling you,
I've missed the place a bit.
By way of reward
Nero gives you ten acres
of land for your retirement.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Where is it? Tuscany? Capri?
Essex.
- ITALIAN MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
HE CRIES
HE SOBS
SOLDIERS MURMUR
PAULINUS:
Attilius Minus.
Rome thanks you.
Without you...
we should not have come to
victory in this battle.
Yeah. Let's not make
a big deal of it.
Nero will want to reward you
himself.
Come.
But wait, now?
Back in Rome you will
be celebrated as a hero.
You'll have all the scrolls
you've ever dreamed of.
You'll be well famous.
Can I have your signature?
- I wanna go home!
Wait. Why doesn't Decimus go
in my place?
Why?
- It doesn't matter. Who cares?
It's a brilliant idea.
Here, he can even have my land.
ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS
Rome, sweet Rome, wahoo!
ITALIAN MUSIC FADES
The thing is, I...
I kind of like it here.
I like the people.
But they're stupid.
- They're not stupid.
They're just different.
I've learned stuff from them
and we've shared some fun.
Anyway, I see this
as Paulinus's victory.
You should have all the glory.
Yeah, you're right.
Paulinus does deserve
to take the credit.
Bring the prisoner.
What prisoner?
- PAULINUS: Boudicca.
Uh...
About that, she, uh...
Don't tell me you let her
get away?
Uh...
- What happened to her?
What will Paulinus tell Nero?
You have failed.
You will receive your just
reward when we return to Rome.
TIMIDIUS:
Ooooooh!
THEY GIGGLE Oh...
THEY LAUGH
Emperor.
Paulinus brings news
of a great victory.
Yes, I heard. I won.
Write that down, historian.
"Nero won a great victory".
So tell me, how exactly
did I kill Boudicca?
Ah, er, yeah.
Paulinus knows not the exact
nature of Boudicca's fate.
But she is dead, right?
Because if she isn't,
I know someone who is.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
She's dead.
She's definitely dead.
It's just the "how"
is up to you.
What do you mean?
- Well...
history is written
by the victor.
Yeah, that's right.
So, write this down historian.
Boudicca was so frightened
by the magnificent heroic
Nero...
that she poisoned herself.
And that's it. That's true.
I'm thinking of wearing these
to my victory parade.
What do you think?
Bit much?
Paulinus would have to say...
uh, no.
Seem very dark, though.
Of course they are.
They're sunglasses.
I've just invented them.
Right, is everything secure?
Yes. My men have checked
everywhere for assassins, sir.
All clear.
HE GAGS
Well then, let's do this.
Sorry.
CROWD CHANTS:
Nero! Nero! Nero!
CROWD GASPS
- NERO GRUNTS
Historian, don't you dare
write that down.
Hail Mercury, messenger
of the gods.
Pray send word
that Atti is safe.
Here's a letter from Atti.
Oh, that was quick!
What does he say?
Oh, Britain good.
Celts helping me build a house
to live in.
The savages are lovely.
I think that says "sausages".
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, Atti.
Fancy joining us for dinner?
Yes, please. What is it?
Baked parsnip.
- Lovely.
Need some rotten fish gut sauce
with that?
Dad?
Mum, Dad, you came.
JULIA:
Oh!
He talked so much about Britain
in his letters
we wanted to see it
for ourselves.
Well, what do you think?
Atti has taught us how
to make concrete.
ANTONIUS:
Like it.
Nice one, son.
Oh...
Ah...
Have a swig of this.
What is it?
- We call it wine.
It's basically
rotten grape juice
which gives you
a massive headache
and makes you
embarrass your kids.
Oh, sounds right up my street.
Mm.
I've got a brooch just like
that.
Really?
Salut.
MUSIC STARTS
MUSIC STOPS
- They won't will they?
No, not for about seven years,
or so.
THEY LAUGH
- THEY CHATTER
OK? Ah...
Did I miss anything?
HE CHUCKLES
What have you done
with your hair?
Looks different.
Like Boudicca.
- Yeah, well...
I'm gonna be Queen
of the tribe one day.
Someone's gotta kick
all the Romans out.
You are joking, right?
Might be.
Come on.
Time flies Our story's done
But history keeps rolling on
Big winners, epic fails
Two sides to every tale
Time flies,
it's been a blast
But history is built to last
One empire gets the sack
Another one strikes back
Time flies
We're through
Still history's
Got plans for you
Boo!
HE CHUCKLES
Fooled you!
Hey, wait, don't go yet!
You'll miss the best bit!
Oh no, not all the names.
There's so many names.
Oh, why are there so many names?
HE YAWNS
The best bit is where I tell you
what was true
and 100% accu-rat!
I bet you're wondering what
really happened
to Boudicca, aren't you?
Yeah, well, so is everyone.
One roman historian did write
that she poisoned herself
after the battle
to avoid being captured.
But another one said
she died from illness
and had this great big
elaborate funeral.
So, basically, you can make up
your own mind.
One thing's for sure, the Romans
didn't capture Boudicca
or they'd have taken her back
to Rome
and bragged about it big time.
You know what
those Romans are like.
Hm, hang on!
Look at all that
popcorn and sweets
you've dropped on the floor!
Oh! That's not nearly enough!
I'm coming down there to stuff
my little furry face.
Back in a tick.
RATTUS HUMS
The sun is always
shining here
This city we call home
- WOMAN SCREAMS
WOMAN:
A rat! It's a rat!
An empire ruled by Rome
- WOMAN SCREAMS
MAN: What was that?
- Togas, Roman baths
And roads
Creations that we spread
Conquered people welcomed us
Cos if they didn't,
they'd be dead
KID: Look, Mummy,
there's a rat!
Rome, we colonise ya!
Rome, we civilise ya!
- MAN: Ah! It's a rat!
Rome, and we brutalise ya!
There's no place like Rome
HE CHUCKLES
A particularly big thank you
to whoever was sitting
in row 12.
Yes, you. You are
my favourite litter bugs.
Om, nom, nom, nom.
So, anyway, the film is
cram-packed with juicy facts.
Like Agrippina really did bump
off husband Claudius
with a poison feather
so her son could be Emperor.
And she put her own face
on the coins
and generally annoyed
Nero so much
that he had her killed.
Yeah... after trying
the booby-trapped boat
and a collapsible
bedroom ceiling.
HE SLURPS NOISILY
Fizzy, mmm...
Then it was Nero's turn
to meet a sticky end.
He ended up being betrayed
by his own men.
Oh, and speaking of sticky...
Look at this. It's bubble-gum!
HE GOBBLES
It's a bit hairy, but...
do you know what?
It's just how I like it.
HE GIGGLES AND GULPS
AIR GURGLES
- HE GASPS
Oh, note to self.
Never drink fizzy drinks
and swallow bubble-gum!
POP
- Argh!
Now I'm Fartacus.
Think I need a shower.
In horse wee, of course.
Whilst I do that
do you want to hear the rest
of Atti and Orla's soppy song?
You know, the one that got
so rudely interrupted.
You know you do.
Well, here it is!
ATTI:
I'm in a bind
That's what I find
Cos I went with my heart
not my head
Couldn't let them hurt her
Now, I'm a deserter
Should I have
betrayed her instead?
ORLA:
Thought I was strong
Maybe I'm wrong
Made a friend
of my enemy, Rome
Lacked the killer punch
When it came to the crunch
Now, I'm Orla...
All alone
BOTH SING:
Wish I could turn
the sundial back
To before I felt this pain
Having a BFF
Made my life a mess
Will I ever see her again?
- Will I ever see him again?
Oh, I... I miss you
Sorry I dissed you
First time that I met you
You drove me round the bend
Now...
You're a friend
ATTI:
I put her first
Seems that's the worst...
...crime a soldier
can commit
But I don't care
The adventures we shared
I loved every second of it
ORLA:
I'll take my sword
Join Boudicca's hoard
Lead the fight
to our enemy road
But my head is reeling,
I'm left with the feeling
I'm Orla...
All alone
BOTH SING:
Wish I could turn
The sundial back
To before I felt this pain
Having a BFF
Made my life a mess
Will I ever see her again?
- Will I ever see him again?
Oh, I... I miss you
Right, that's it, film done.
Until the inevitable sequel.
Hey, I'm part of the Hollywood
in crowd now.
I'm going round to Scarlett
Johansson's place. Yeah.
I haven't been invited.
I'm just gonna sneak in
through the u-bend.
Oh, and see you
at the Oscars. Yeah.
I'm gonna sneak in there an all!
HE LAUGHS Bye!
ATTI SINGS:
You're a friend
ORLA SINGS:
You're a friend
BOTH SING:
Your friend.