Hot Mess Holiday (2021) Movie Script
1
- MAN: MTV
- FEMALE SINGER:
Have yourself
A merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay
- [record scratches]
-
- Oh, you two look so cute.
What's your name?
Why would she do that?
- Melanie, it's Vivek.
You came to talk to my class,
Corp Finance.
- Right, Northwestern.
How are you?
- Your whole talk about rising
the ranks at Myrtle & Smith,
it really stuck with me.
- I'm so happy to hear that.
- Listen,
you caught vibes that day.
I did, too.
I got the keys
to my parents' car.
- Excuse me?
- I eat it all.
- What's goin' on, Mel?
Is he lost?
- Plenty of room for three
in the Highlander.
Seats fold down.
- Is he?
Oh, gross.
I could be your aunt.
Wait, aren't you Bhavani's kid?
- Yeah, so?
- She's my second cousin.
I'm literally your aunt,
you sicko.
Touch my feet.
Touch hers, too.
Y'all are just
getting younger and pervier.
Scram!
- Thanks for swooping in.
- Of course.
Can we leave now?
You know, Indians
make me uncomfortable.
- Being Indian, you're gonna
have to get over that one day.
- You know what I mean.
We're Indian,
but this is like Indian.
I'm not interested in being
around gossiping demon aunties
and guessing what
uncles ate for dinner.
- It's not that bad.
- [man burps]
- Aloo palak.
Yeah, that was aloo palak.
- And you know we can't leave.
Rishi's on his way
and I haven't seen him-
- In a whole month.
I know.
I've been counting down the days
till I lose you forever.
- I'm not going off to war.
- But, we finally got
a chance to hang out.
After what?
Like two years.
Just like the old days.
You should really reconsider
the thrupple option.
I'd let Rishi hit it
if it meant making us work.
Oh, this is all really
happening, huh, Melanie?
- I love him, Surina.
And once we set a date,
we'll buy a place together.
And have dinner parties.
And buy matching pajamas.
And start our own book club.
It'll all come together.
- I know you're describing
what you think are
really nice things, but I'd
rather jump off a building.
- [phone vibrates and chimes]
- Oh.
Ah shit,
Ameet's delaying my check.
- Why are you still
working for him?
- Oh, I don't work for him.
I just do gigs kinda
exclusively for him
for an agreed amount of money.
- Oh God, it's Parveen Auntie.
- You think if we just
stand still, she won't see us?
- She's not a T-rex.
- Beti,
I haven't seen you in ages.
How's school, Surina?
- I graduated eight years ago.
- So, when's the wedding,
darling?
- We're still figurin' out
a date.
- Really? It's been what?
Four years?
- One year.
We're just taking our time.
- Well, good for you.
All these women out there,
getting married,
having kids,
moving on in the world.
You have every right to do
what you want and be stuck.
- I didn't say I was stuck.
- You know what I mean.
Not excelling or whatnot.
Anyway, so good to see you two.
Good luck on the exams.
- I want to hate her so bad, but
goddammit, she thinks I look 22.
It's so conflicting.
- Ah, there's my cunts.
- Hey Sheila.
- Hey Sheila.
- Sorry I'm late, I had to take
Shawn Mendes for a walk.
- Oh, that's a cute name
for a dog.
- Dog?
You know, I've never been
to one of these before.
It's so cute.
It's like a little refugee camp.
- It's the first day of Diwali.
The festival of lights.
It's where you buy
something precious
as a token to
the goddess Lakshmi.
- Honey, you had me
at buy something.
- Did you tell her
we were coming here?
- Look, I know she's
a little off.
- A little off?
Do you remember
her birthday party?
- Yeah, it was a karaoke party.
Amazing hot wings.
- It was a karaoke sex party.
- Yeah, I guess it
got a little out of hand
when she brought out the kiddie
pool full of ball gags.
But come on.
She seems super lonely.
I mean, she has no one
except Shawn Mendes.
- Is this a night light?
How fun.
I'll catch you in a bit.
Do you take Bitcoin?
- Oh God, if it isn't
the two Indian girls
with the white names.
- Literally, the first thing
people think about
when they hear Surina
is a famous Black tennis player.
So, checkmate, Kavita.
Oh, I see your minions
are multiplying.
- Funny.
I'm their dance teacher.
Oh, I hope you're not
shopping for your wedding, Mel.
These places don't take returns.
[laughs]
- [girls chuckle]
- Everyone knows Desis
don't do long engagements,
so, something must be going on.
- Nothing's going on.
We're just taking our time.
- Don't you have something
better to do like spend your
dad's hotel empire money?
- Okay, first off,
they aren't hotels.
They're a boutique
bungalow experience.
And second, I earn my own money.
I'm the company's
brand ambassador.
- You run the TikTok page.
- Four million followers
and counting.
And please tell me.
What do you do
besides being dead weight?
- Oh, you mean other than
railing your brother?
- You stay away from Rahul.
- Okay. Okay, come on, guys.
- Word to the wise, Mel.
Choose quality friends
or they'll drag you
into the gutter with them.
- I'm sorry I took
your brother's virginity.
- God, she's so mean.
She didn't used to be like this.
- Yeah, being in the
Desi dance competition scene
can ruin you.
Remember when we almost
joined that bhangra cult?
- [gasps] Rishi!
- Oh, I'm gonna
give you guys some time.
I guess you should catch up
on 401k plans
and container options.
- Sorry I'm late, I came
straight from the airport.
- It's okay.
I missed you so much.
- Hey, listen,
can we have a second to talk?
- Yeah, sure.
But let's grab seats first.
The dances are starting.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- [lip-syncing Bollywood song]
- Keep the fuck up, Preeti.
- [audience applauding]
- Yo, yo, yo.
I know you didn't get enough
last month during Navratri,
so, the dance floor is open
for some dandiya raas.
- You're so quiet.
- I know. It's just...
- What is it?
- It's just that I...
No, hold on. Wait.
- All right, come on up.
Don't be shy, don't be shy.
Come bust a move.
It's fine.
- Remember our couple's intake?
We have to communicate.
- I know.
I'm trying.
It's just that this
isn't the most ideal setting.
- Radical honesty, Rishi.
- What does that even mean?
- It's the radical honesty sign.
- Well, it's honestly stupid.
- We agreed to do this, Rishi.
It was part of the plan.
- That's just it.
It's, it's your plan.
It's always your plan.
I-I-I can't do this anymore.
You want radical honesty, Mel?
Here it is.
I've been sleeping with Brandi.
- Oh, that's messed up.
- Your old project manager?
- I didn't go
on a business trip.
I went to Bali with her.
It was the best month
of my life.
I'm flying out to LA
to be with her.
- Are you okay, Mel?
I know this stick isn't sharp,
but I think I can stab him in
that soft spot behind his knee.
- I'm sorry.
- We were supposed to be
happy together!
- Yo, yo, yo, hey.
Security to the stage,
security to the-
- I hate you!
You cheated on me!
Fuck you!
- Yo, we don't have security.
- Go to hell!
- So, everybody just protect
yourselves.
- Stop! Stop!
- Lying piece of shit.
I hate you!
- For the love of God.
- Hey, hey, yo, yo.
- I hate you, you--aah!
- Stay.
-
- [sobbing]
Thank you, Mr. Henderson.
I will for sure
follow-up with you.
Happy birthday.
- Are you sure
you don't need anything?
I can order you lunch
or torch his clothes.
- Thanks, but I'll pass.
- You never let me
torch anything.
- I can't believe he did this.
And I assaulted him.
- That was the best part
of the night.
That's the Mel I love.
Like that time when you got
dumped by that guy,
so you dated his landlord
and increased his rent.
- This wasn't
supposed to happen.
- We'll figure this out
together, okay?
I gotta head to Ameet's.
Oh, by the way,
don't Google "stick girl".
- Wait, what?
- Okay, byeeee!
- We were supposed to be
happy together.
- Stop, stop, stop.
- You fucking
lying piece of shit!
I hate you!
You freaking idiot!
I hate you!
You cheated on me!
- I can explain.
- I know as a woman of color
that you aren't often seen
in the same way that I,
a cisgendered,
heterosexual male, man.
Not mailman.
Man, A-N.
And I know sometimes things can
get taken out of context.
- I will murder you.
Murder!
- I'm sorry.
It wasn't my best moment.
- Every moment is your moment.
Womoment.
As an ally, I see you.
Inclusively.
- I think you might just be
saying a lot of different words.
- Very important words.
I'll cut to it.
One of our biggest clients
is coming in Monday.
And if they saw this
wrong representation,
they just wouldn't get it.
White people, am I right?
Burn it down.
Just burn it down.
I think you should
take some time to heal.
I'll float the project to Jake.
- So, you're taking me
off a project
and basically
suspending me for a week?
- Think of it as an early
secular Christmas gift
without pay.
Cool?
- I guess so.
- Great.
I'm really glad we were able
to hold space for that.
And that's it.
If you could just
close the door on your way out?
Thanks.
Hey, solidarity.
- Surina, I hired you
to make a website
and run the social media pages.
As an entrepreneur-
- You deliver food
for your parents' restaurant
and sell stolen iPhones
to middle schoolers.
- You botched
my Diwali campaign.
- I didn't botch anything.
The Instagram impressions were
amazing considering how awful
the idea was.
- David Diwali could've captured
the hearts and minds
of this nation
if you did your job right.
I mean, look at him.
He could've been the next
Easter Bunny, Santa Claus,
SpongeBob even.
- David Diwali looks like
he abducts children.
- How dare you.
Look, you didn't fulfill
your end of the agreement,
so, I'm putting you on a tab.
You'll get your paycheck once
you work off what you owe me.
- What? Screw that.
- No screwing, just realness.
- You're actually being serious?
- Yeah.
Welcome to the school
of hard knocks, Surina.
Dog eat dog.
No pain, no gain.
Life takes no prisoners.
- Take this as
a lesson in responsibility.
Maybe it'll help you
get your shit together.
- You're lucky
your parents make good food.
- [phone ringing]
- Clay Oven Restaurant.
This is Ameet.
Oh, hi Auntie.
Yes, I'm doing good.
No, no, I'm,
I'm still single.
- I hate always
waiting in line here.
- Gilpreet's chai is like crack.
Just be cool.
- If he says something, I swear
I'm going to boycott this place.
- Hi, Uncle Ji.
Happy Diwali.
I hope you're having a
wonderful, blessed day.
We'll have two chais, please.
- We'll have two chais, please.
Speak in Punjabi.
- We don't speak Punjabi.
- Speak Hindi then.
Something.
Respect the homeland.
- Trust me,
us not speaking the language
is respecting the homeland.
- I survived partition for this?
Wannabee Lindsay Lohan
and Kendall Jenner?
- Didn't realize
I ordered chai
with a side of misogyny today.
- Next.
- Next time,
we boycott this place.
There is nothing better
than a hot-ass chai
after a long-ass day.
- Don't hate me,
but I reached out to Rishi.
We're gonna meet up
before his flight tomorrow.
- What? No!
- We have to talk this through.
- Don't do this, Mel.
This is a gift from the heavens.
Just move on like
it never happened.
- But we worked.
We have the same
interests and goals.
I mean, we both love fondue, and
we get really creative with it.
Like last time
we got persimmons-
- Again, I know these are being
described as nice things,
but I will jump off a building.
And more importantly,
he cheated on you.
- I obviously
respect myself enough
to not go crawling back to him,
but I just,
I need to understand
what happened.
We can't just erase
everything we had.
- Since you're part of the hive.
- [camera clicking]
- Here you go.
Hey, say no to drugs.
Super fan.
- Yeah, Sanjay, most adult men
don't gloat about
taking pictures with young boys.
- What can I say?
You win one spelling bee and
you're a hero for life.
I'm like their Lebron James.
Nothing but vowels.
- You just wake up in the
morning with no clue, huh?
- Whatever.
Um, have you all seen this?
- Beat that boy with a stick,
boy
Light him up like a Bic, boy
Dang that fool was a cheat,
boy
Now he gonna get de-stroyed
She's a stick girl
in a stick world
She's a stick girl
in a stick world
- That's actually pretty catchy.
I mean, I wouldn't make it
my ringtone or anything.
But definitely a top contender
for the workout playlist.
- Surina.
- Sorry.
That was an abomination.
- You know, I heard
what Rishi did
and maybe this is for the best.
That big fall from grace,
so you truly appreciate
what's right in front of you
like, literally in front of you.
- At least simp
with some dignity, Jesus.
- What am I gonna do, guys?
- I'll tell you what
you're certainly not doing
is brooding until you talk
with Rishi tomorrow.
This is Diwali.
I propose a full weekend
social banger extravaganza.
- That sounds like
way too many words.
- They're all equally important.
- No, I'm just gonna stay home
and crawl under
my weighted blanket.
- Oh, I totally get it.
It does wonders
for the nervous system.
- No one cares,
Friendzone Freddy.
Just give me the weekend, Mel.
You gotta release
all this energy
and bring back that bad bitch
I once knew.
And you can only do that by
getting intensely hammered.
Look...
- Yeah.
- Whatever happens with Rishi,
happens.
But the only way you're
gonna find closure in this
is with a big ol' Rishi purge.
You know, wash that mofo
out of your soul.
- I just miss him.
- I get that.
But weekend social banger
extravaganza.
Weekend social banger
extravaganza.
Weekend social
banger extravaganza!!!
- Okay.
- Yes!
- [phone vibrating]
- Oh, it's Sheila.
She's asking if we're
going to her thing tonight.
- We're not going.
And more importantly,
she's crazy.
- Kismet.
Tell her we'll be there.
- Absolutely not.
- Uh-uh, we're jumping
out of that comfort zone.
Embrace it, Mel.
Two chais to go!
- Get the hell out of my store!
- Okay!
-
- It's like everywhere you go,
Christmas,
it's just in your face.
It's like capitalism
on steroids.
Is anyone even
celebrating Diwali right now?
It's only celebrated by about
a billion people.
- Exactly. Yes.
- That's why I appreciate
Indian culture so much.
You all just have this
natural spiritually, you know?
You're just so connected
with the earth.
- And there it is.
- There it is.
- Excuse us.
- You heard the lady.
Beat it.
- Wait. Scripps National
Spelling Bee champ '04?
Oh, you killed "insouciant".
Can I get a picture?
- Well, since you're
part of the hive.
- Buzz, buzz.
- Buzz, buzz.
- Look, this is just a primer.
I promise you
things will get better.
Weekend social banger
extravaganza.
- Who let the hos out?
Terrible news about Rafiki.
- Rishi.
- What did I say?
Bit of advice, vaginoplasty.
- What?
- No one wants a loose,
sloppy vagina, Melanie.
Flapping around
like a lost sailboat at sea.
Ew, mayday.
- Kavita's here?
- I know, right?
I hate that bitch, I don't
know why she's even here.
I love her, though.
I can't wait to go to her
Diwali party tomorrow night.
- Wait, what?
- Diwali is the
festival of lights.
It's celebrated
over the course of five days,
something about a goddess--
- I know what Diwali is.
I told you what Diwali is.
Kavita's having
a party tomorrow?
- Yeah, why else
would she invite me?
- Sheila, we didn't get invited.
- Why didn't you just say that?
It's 2021, you gotta use your
me too big-girl words, honey.
- Who cares.
She's a total bitch and her
party will suck balls.
- I know but the principle.
She probably invited Rishi.
- Rafiki.
That is odd that you didn't
get an invite, though.
I mean,
all the browns are going.
It's gonna be
the event of the year.
Oh, for the love of God,
Shawn Mendes.
No, that will stain.
Use seltzer!
- That's not Shawn Mendes.
- Shawn Mendes, uh,
son of the billionaire
Venezuelan oil tycoon?
I think I know who
Shawn Mendes is.
[speaking Spanish]
Don't forget your gift bags.
- A few shots and we're gone.
I promise.
- Thirty-five carats
cut to perfection.
Mined in Kolkata.
Do you know it took me
almost a decade
to get my hands on this one?
- It's gorgeous.
- It's more than gorgeous.
I'd let it slowly penetrate me
to R&B music.
- That feels like a lot.
- So, Montecito's men
will be with you shortly.
Be discreet, all right?
Make it a clean transaction.
Bring the suitcase of money
to the office, okay?
- I won't let you down, Percy.
- Don't use my name.
Or yours, you idiot.
Just talk in codes or something,
Jesus.
- FEMALE SINGER:
I know
I'm just a loser
Shouldn't be with ya
Guess I'm a quitter
- My nose is real but tell
everyone it's fake.
- There you go.
- Thanks, Kal Penn.
- Oh, just Kal is fine.
You doing okay?
You're on your third one.
- It's just been a long week.
I didn't know you bartended.
- Oh, this is just to prep
for a role.
You know, I try to embody
the characters that I'm playing.
It's a thing that actors
do all the time.
So today I am a bartender.
You know Emma Stone
was checking IDs last week
to prep for some role she had.
You know Betty White?
Like a month ago, she was siting
exactly where you were
just getting completely
shit house hammered
on Japanese whiskey
and Hot Pockets.
- That's a lot.
Wait, so is that
Tituss Burgess prepping?
Let me guess.
He's playing a
mysterious loner who was
at the top of his game only
to take a turn for the worst.
- No, he's not prepping, Mel.
- What do you want from me?
I can't be fabulous
all the time.
It's always like, Tituss, what
are you wearing?
Tituss, be the life
of the party.
I mean, here I am
having a damn Bahama Mama
in these ill-fitted pants
and I'm proud of it.
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
You don't get to apologize.
You beautiful,
beautiful woman person.
Kal, put this on her tab.
And no one, no one should be
allowed to have hair that silky!
- Well, it was good to see you,
Mel.
I've got to go to a meat plant.
God, it's a complicated role.
- Did the bartender just leave?
- Yeah.
Do you want this?
I didn't touch it.
- Yeah, I hate to waste
free booze.
- Oh, geez, wow.
- Well, hard times
call for hard solutions.
I'm Melanie.
- I'm Drake Doolittle.
- Your name is
Drake Doolittle?
- Drake Doolittle, yeah.
It's part French
and uh, lower Italian.
Excuse me.
Be right back.
- Okay.
- Who is he?
Hit it, uh, uh, uh.
- I don't know.
I just met him.
I'm not gonna sleep with anyone.
- Here, you can do it
behind my coat.
No one will see.
It has pockets.
- Surina, Rishi and I, we're...
We need to figure it out.
- Oh, so as you are
figuring it out,
Rishi gets to stick his dick
into other girls,
but how come you can't
get to stick your dick in...
You know what I mean.
- [phone ringing]
- Yeah, so the deal's gone bad.
They don't know what you look
like, so get out of there.
- Wait, it can happen that fast?
- Yeah, I decided that
I'd rather keep the diamond.
But hurry, they're basically
looking for any guy
by themselves.
- Dammit.
- Hot guy coming.
So, Mel is a huge catch
and she's been in this
shitty relationship
for like a billion years.
So, she's looking for some
no strings attached action.
Also, she's getting
her vag tightened.
It won't flap around
like a lost sailboat at sea.
- Surina.
- That is a fantastic idea.
- What?
- Yeah, let's do it.
Off we go.
- You have an accent?
That's so hot.
Say crikey,
where'd me kangaroo go?
- Yeah, we have gotta go.
Come on, off we go.
- Where are we going?
- Oh, don't forget
your gift bags.
- Wait, who the hell
is that guy?
- Not you.
- What are you doing?
- Security check.
You're fine.
- What was that about?
It's cold out here.
Listen, you can't just
drag me around like a rag doll.
- Type your number in.
- Yes, daddy.
No, wait, I'm in a relationship.
Sort of.
It's complicated.
We can't do this.
I didn't wax.
- I'm gonna call you
very, very soon
because you have
something special that I need.
You got it?
- I haven't done this
in three years.
Is this flirting?
Did you just turn me down?
It's very difficult to make
sense out of this situation.
Call me.
- Oh, back already?
The hot ones
are always minute men.
All good.
We'll find another.
- Do you know what?
Let's get drunk.
- Yeah!
- SINGER:
Call me when you want
Call me when you need
Call me in the morning,
I'll be on the way
Call me when you want,
call me when you need
Call me out by your name,
I'll be on the way like
Oh, call me by your name,
tell me you love me in private
Call me by your name,
I do not care if you lyin'
Tell me what your name is
Oh, call me by your name,
tell me you love me in private
Call me by your name,
I do not care if you lyin'
-
- Shit.
Surina, wake up.
- No, Frosty, the buttons.
They're sewing them
on to your skin.
Ow, what?
- I'm supposed to meet Rishi.
- Oh, weekend social
banger extravaganza!
Let's go, Diwali!
- Anyone want an omelette?
Frittata?
- [screams]
Who the hell is that?
- Oh, Jerry.
Met him at the bar.
- I hope you guys
like scrambled.
- Prince Charles is easier
to get ahold of than you two.
So, this is how the 99% lives.
- Sheila,
what are you doing here?
- There is a pressing matter
that we need to resolve at once.
Kavita didn't get her gift bag.
- We didn't take her gift bag.
Did you take her gift bag?
- Gift bags are
for deserving people.
That's all I'm gonna say.
- Okay, great.
Check that off the list.
One more thing, all of your
lives are in grave danger.
- What?
- What?
- My ex, not the last one,
but the one before
the one before that.
- Oh, you mean the 96-year-old
you married for money?
- I loved Archibald
and those were the best
32 days of my life.
I'm talking about my ex, Percy.
- Is he on his deathbed too?
- Do you kiss your mother
with that filthy,
sarcastic whore mouth?
Ah, let me just show you.
Him.
He owns a small
blood diamond operation.
I let him use my bar
as the drop-off spot
and well, the deal went bad.
- Blood diamond operation?
You've got to be kidding me.
- And what does bad mean?
- Wait, that's the guy
who was hitting on me.
Drake Doolittle.
- That's seriously his name?
- Yeah, he's part French,
part lower Italian.
- Mm, so much better
than upper Italian.
Do not let those people
in this country.
- He was using me
as some sort of decoy?
- Obviously.
His name is Daniel
and he put a 35-carat diamond
in your gift bag.
And now all your lives are in
danger.
- Wait, hold up.
So that catch of a lifetime
put a diamond
in Mel's gift bag?
So, a big-ass diamond
probably worth millions
is in this apartment right now?
- Twelve million, but yes.
- Holy shit.
Let's not give it back.
- A person once
put one over on Percy,
and well,
he scooped his eyeballs out
and served it to him
on an ice cream cone.
- Let's definitely give it back.
- Mm...
- Mm...
Where's the gift bags?
You put them right here.
Sunjay, do you have the bags?
- Hold your horses.
Breakfast is almost ready.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Ameet.
- Oh yeah, Ameet came over.
We ordered Indian food from his
parent's place last night.
Oh, should I
make pancakes instead?
- Wait, Ameet has the diamond?
That idiot you work for?
- Do gigs for.
- So, what should I
tell Percy then?
- Why? Is he on the phone
right now?
- I don't like texting.
It makes my fingers wrinkly,
and I just got them Botoxed.
Well, that was rude.
- I don't want my eyes scooped.
I like my eyes.
It's one of my best features
next to my cheekbones.
- Really?
I'd rate cheekbones first.
Look, you're not gonna
get scoopy-eyed.
I can fix this.
We go to Ameet's,
get the bags, and done.
- Oh, perfect.
- Ah, but wait, Sheila.
You're on the hook too.
If we can't fix this, Percy
will probably scoopy-eye you.
- He wouldn't dare
scoopy-eye me.
No one scoopy-eyes Sheila.
If anything, I'm the one
that does the scoopy-eying.
- Why don't you call
and ask him?
- Hmm.
- So, we do this, and you get us
into Kavita's Diwali party.
- Are you seriously
bargaining over possible death?
- Look, I hate that bitch, but
it's the party of a lifetime.
Weekend social banger
extravaganza.
- Well played, Surina.
Well played.
It's a deal.
- I still have to meet Rishi
before he flies out.
- We'll find the diamond,
meet up with Rishi,
crash Kavita's party.
Boom, figured out.
- Oh, this is fun.
It's like "Lord of the Rings".
I'm the beautiful elf princess
and you're my trusty,
hairy hobbits.
Come on, Frodo.
- Hey, are you sure about this?
- When have I ever let you down?
- Third grade, Mrs. Finney's
class when you said to jump
from the jungle gym on three
and you chickened out.
- And that day you learned
you're much braver than I am.
You're welcome.
- When you totaled my car
and my parents grounded me
for six months.
- Which made you anti-social,
only study,
and landed you
a full ride at Harvard.
Come on, girl.
Through everything,
I've always had your back.
Trust me.
- Oh, should I wear the new-
- Pants, pants with the mm top?
- Mm top?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Come on, Jerry.
- Dope.
- So let me get this straight.
You have no idea
where the diamond is?
A $12 million diamond,
that personally,
I would let caress my insides.
- I can find it.
I just need a little more time.
- Oh, Danny boy.
I brought you on
to make my life easier,
not to create
a bloody train wreck.
Don't get me wrong.
I like you.
I do!
Yeah, I mean, you come highly,
highly recommended.
- I will find it.
I don't want to end up
like George.
- What do you mean?
- Ice cream scooped.
You scoopy-eyed him.
- Whoops.
So, George has a congenital
birth condition.
Yeah.
You've got to be more sensitive
in the workplace, all right?
Not this ableist arsehole.
We had the whole HR meeting
and everything.
- Yeah, yeah, look,
I have her number.
- Oh.
- We can track her.
- There you go.
Perfect.
Handle this.
- Okay.
- I wouldn't want you
to end up like Herman.
- Those bags are sold-a-mundo.
Every last thing in them.
- You're kidding?
- Oh, I thought you'd be happy.
Your tab is cleared
and then some.
I mean,
those bags were incredible.
Tiffany bracelet, Chanel wallet.
- Oh, honey,
those bags were trash compared
to my next party.
You should come.
- I'm Ameet.
- Sheila.
The party's gonna be
catered by St Laurent.
They do food now.
- Wow.
- Who bought the bags, Ameet?
- Ameet Corp LLC has a strict
confidentiality policy
and uh, I'm not gonna
violate it for you.
- Tell us who bought them.
- I knew this day would come.
Ah, the tension between us
is so thick.
Why would you do that?
Please stop.
Jesus Christ, okay.
I gave it to this couple, the
Mittals, I owed them money.
- You owe them money?
You owe me money.
- I know the Mittals.
They run that trendy,
sustainable clothing line.
Which I do not understand.
Why would you wear clothes
more than once?
- I'll tell.
6530 North Sedgewick Street.
- We can pick up the L
around the corner.
- Hey, I'm coming back
for my money.
- Bye, Melanie.
- People actually use this?
- You've seriously
never been on the L?
- In a nightmare once.
Judi Dench was there too.
She wouldn't stop
giving me marigolds.
You know I'd be willing
to take you on.
- What?
- For as long as I've known you,
you've been into Melanie.
Why haven't you
asked her out yet?
- I don't know.
I've tried, but...
she just sees me as this little-
- Bitch?
- I was gonna say brother.
- But bitch is probably
more appropriate.
- A little rude.
- I can help you.
- Really?
- Listen, I'm no miracle worker.
- But?
- No, that's it.
- Oh.
- So, we get to the Mittals,
and then we're going to Rishi's.
- You'll have plenty of time
to catch him before his flight.
You gotta admit,
this is a little fun.
This is what a Rishi-free life
looks like.
- Yeah, sign me up.
Nothing beats being chased
by a homicidal maniac.
- You love me.
- [gun cocks]
- Oh shit, Daniel.
- Here's what's gonna happen.
We're gonna go up those stairs.
You're gonna give me the diamond
and then we're all gonna walk
away like this never happened.
- We don't have the diamond.
You have such strong arms.
- I'm not playin' around.
- No, no, we're not lying.
We had the diamond
in Mel's gift bag,
then this guy named Ameet,
who I do gigs for, not work for,
took it
because I owed him money,
then he gave it off to
these greenwear entrepreneurs
because he owed them money.
See? It's a simple explanation,
really.
So, your jawline,
God made no mistakes.
- Enough!
Start walkin'.
One peep and I pull the trigger.
- What the hell's going on?
- That is so Percy to send one
of his henchmen to kill us.
- Shut up
and get in front of them.
Move.
- Ah, I'm dangerous!
- WOMAN: That bitch has a sai!
- Stop right there.
- Clever girl.
- That was smart.
- Thanks.
- On the ground.
- I didn't think
this far ahead though.
- On the ground!
- Sheila doesn't do ground.
- I just want to let you know
you're all being detained
for carrying a deadly weapon.
- This is totally
because we're brown.
This is systemic racism,
xenophobia and frankly,
Islamophobia.
- Are one of you Muslim?
- I am.
- I didn't know you were Muslim.
- Everyone's a little Muslim,
Surina.
Get with the times.
Hi, excuse me, sir.
I can't be here
with these people,
so, if you wanted
to reach into my pocket,
there should be a fresh,
crisp Franklin waiting for you.
Oh, actually I used that
to shoo away an old woman.
Do you take Dogecoin?
- Ma'am, I'm gonna need you
to shut up.
Get comfy 'cause y'all
gonna be here for a while.
Wait a second.
You're famous.
- Oh, here we go again.
Scripps National Spelling Bee
champ '04.
It happens all the time.
- I don't know what the hell
you're talking about.
Stick girl?
[laughs gleefully]
Yo, can I get a picture?
My girlfriend loves you.
Oh, the song, that remix.
Yo, beat that boy
with a stick, boy
Keep it thick like say what
- Yep, that's me.
I'm stick girl.
- You sure are.
Just right there.
Oh, that's a good one.
That's a good one.
That song is a bop, okay?
It's like if someone bottled up
the music of a generation
and served it on ice
on a hot day.
Ah.
Okay, real quick just...
- Jerry, don't.
- It's all good.
Tonight is Diwali.
A special holiday
about friendship,
love and camaraderie.
This is your journey.
Stay fresh, girl.
- Feast on this, pigs!
- Freeze!
- [loud thudding]
- Run for it!
- JERRY: Remember me.
- Don't leave me.
- Damn you, stick girl.
- Did we lose Surina and Mel?
How are you not out of breath?
- Oh, I got a lung transplant
a couple of years ago.
- I didn't know that.
What was wrong?
- Nothing.
I just wanted new lungs.
Anyway, I'm glad we're alone.
We can finally start the first
session of the Sheila method.
- Oh.
Ow. Wh--
Ow. Why?
Ah, stop that!
- You're pathetic.
You've spent your life
following a girl
who doesn't even like you.
You're always wearing the same
Express sweater-shirt combo.
And you reek of CK One.
You are weak.
- Wait.
-
- I hope Sheila and Sunjay
are okay.
- They're not answering.
- We have to call the police.
- Are you kidding me?
I'm not going out like Jerry.
And he's white.
- How did Daniel even find us?
He must've tracked us with our
phones.
- Oh, that gorgeous,
clever son of a bitch.
We gotta break 'em.
- We gotta what?
- Here. Give me your phone.
Trust me.
I binge Mr. Robot.
Okay, we gotta
break yours first.
- Why mine first?
- Yours is an 11.
Mine's a 12.
- What difference
does that make?
- We should break the lower
model one first.
- Well, it's basically the same
except for the camera.
- Not true, the 11 can only
manage 996 by 1820,
a meager 452... Okay, we do them
both at the same time.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
- Aah!
- Aah!
It was the right thing to do.
- We could've just
put them in a locker.
Also, he wasn't tracking yours.
He only had my number.
- Shh, Mel.
It was the right thing to do.
- Wait, we're here.
- Oh, thank God.
- We need a plan.
- Right.
We go in and say, hey,
can you give us the diamond?
And then they give it to us.
- That's not gonna work.
They may not even know
they have it.
- How do you miss
a 35-carat diamond?
- You know sometimes when
something is way down
in a gift bag, it like,
mixes with the paper stuffing.
And if it's a lot of stuffing,
there's just a lot of folds
and crevices to navigate.
- Right, I never
thought about it like that.
Mel, no.
- Namaste.
- Namaste.
- I didn't know Indians could
appropriate their own culture.
- Seriously.
- Who wants some small bites?
- What? No way.
Look at this spread.
- We make it a point to feed any
guest who comes to our home.
It's such a privilege
for us to provide.
- It's a privilege to consume.
- I hope you don't mind
we eat with our hands here
like our ancestors.
- How else am I
supposed to honor them?
- So, I know this
is really random,
but you got something from Ameet
yesterday at his restaurant.
In one of those bags was a-
- Oh, I know what you're
talking about. That was yours.
- Yeah.
- Let me go get it.
- So what color
is your aura today?
Mine's fuchsia.
- Those were in the gift bag?
- Oh, this was just a sampling.
There were vibrators, ball gags,
anal beads, anal probes,
anal tinglers, anal tumblers,
prostate pinchers,
prostate punchers.
- No, but the punchers
were more of a pinch, babe.
- Oh, that's right.
Questionable marketing
with those.
- Jesus, Sheila.
- No, no, no, no,
it was more something
that you don't stick in you.
- Oh, but you don't
stick this in you.
It's a clitoral stimulator.
It goes right under the
clitoral hood just like that.
- Can you see?
It's right...
- You know what?
Let me just show you.
- Oh, I'm fine.
- No, it's okay.
She's a sex yogi.
- I'm a sex yogi.
- I'm certified as well
in case you're not comfortable
with same-gender intimacy.
Get the coconut oil.
- No.
- I don't know, Mel.
It might help loosen you up.
- Me and my clit are good.
Just in here chillin'.
Not stimulating needed.
We're here for the diamond.
- The diamond?
- In a jewel box.
- We were very upset when Ameet
gave us a diamond as payment.
When he knows that
Lena and I believe
that diamonds carry
very, very bad energy.
- I would never
stick a diamond up my vagina.
- Baby, I wouldn't either.
Come here.
- Yeah. Totally.
So, can we have it?
- Yes.
You'll take it?
- Absolutely.
- Oh my gosh,
I'll go get it right now.
- Thank you so much.
- See? Told you we'd fix it.
What?
- This isn't too Indian for you?
- No, I'm kinda diggin' it.
Maybe I'm finding myself.
- You should feel
a little bit of tingle.
- Do you have a phone I can use?
- Oh, no. We don't believe
in cell phones here.
The only 5Gs we have are God,
Greatness, Gratitude,
Graciousness and Grandness.
[laughs]
But we do have a landline
in the guest room,
down the hallway,
third door on the right.
Okay? Just past the
manifestation fountain.
Do you wanna smoke?
- Uh, yeah.
- Great.
- What is this?
- That's a South Asian delicacy,
Malana cream,
Himalayan hash.
-
- Oh, shit.
- Oh my God.
- I got the diamond.
- I have a thing
to talk to you about.
A Nikki Haley thing.
- You can't just use the
Nikki Haley code word
for anything, Mel.
You're abusing the system.
- I need to show you something.
Are you high?
- Say hello to my little friend.
Whoa, did that sound racist?
I didn't mean
for that to sound racist.
- Are you serious right now?
- Come on, take a hit.
- Absolutely not.
- Why?
You smoke all the time.
- I stopped for Rishi.
- I didn't know this.
- We made an agreement in
therapy a couple of months ago.
He hates the smell.
- Oh, just as he agreed to not
pound other vaginas for you.
- Surina, stop.
- I just find it so unbelievable
Queen Kush
stopped smoking for a man.
- Well, Queen Kush
smoked a lot in her life.
It's time for her to grow up.
- That's not the Queen Kush
I know.
She'd never change for anyone.
- She's smart enough
to make her own choices.
Why am I talking
in the third person?
Here, give me that.
Happy?
- Yes. Yes, I am.
- Jesus.
When did weed get this strong?
- It's not weed.
It's Malana cream,
Himalayan hash.
- What?
- It's okay.
It's not as bad as...
Sorry, the walls
were just talking to me.
They're really happy.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
This can't be happening.
- Okay, calm down.
It's diluted.
It will wear off quickly.
Now what did you
want to show me?
Is it in here?
Is it a pedestal sink?
You know I fucks
with pedestal sinks.
Holy Nikki Haley!
- Please don't shut the door.
They're keeping us here
against our will.
- Noted.
Thank you.
Just one second, please.
- Please help us.
- Oh my God. Oh my God.
What are we gonna do?
- That's what I was saying,
but no, you wanted
to smoke it up
like Chong and Cheech.
- Cheech and Chong.
- That's what I said.
- No, you said it reversed.
Who does that?
- It's the same thing.
It's two people's names.
- But never in that order.
- Well, maybe Chong
wants to be first sometimes.
- Hey, is everything
okay back there, girls?
Did you get lost by the
manifestation fountain?
It happens all the time.
Literally and metaphorically
by the fountain.
- Yeah, no, we're good.
We're just
manifesting over here.
God, these people are psychos.
We gotta get out of here.
That door.
- We can't just leave them.
- What are we gonna do?
Put them on our backs?
- I'm sorry, we'll try to donate
to a reputable charity.
- Or request me on Venmo.
At Surina not Williams.
David Diwali?
- You want some candy, kids?
Get in the van!
- SURINA: Frosty!
- Why?
Why would you
sew buttons on to me?
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Should we check on them?
- I'm sure they're fine.
Okay, I'm ready for
my turmeric bath, baby.
- This is worth $12 million?
It looks like costume jewelry.
- [retching]
- Oh, smart.
Empty it all up 'cause we got
tons of drinking ahead of us.
Oh, hey, we can pick up the L
over there.
Head to Kavita's.
- No, I'm done.
I'm not going to Kavita's.
- But we know
Sheila's gonna be there.
We'll give her the diamond
and then weekend social banger.
Did I miss something?
I thought we were having fun?
- How is this fun?
Somebody's been
trying to kill us.
- Well, I mean, yeah, if you
choose the one bad part,
it's not gonna sound great.
- I need to go to Rishi's.
- Why is it always about Rishi?
- Because at least I know
what it is.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- When I'm with you,
it's amazing,
but it's always pure chaos.
Hey, Surina,
you want to hang out?
Sure. Explosion.
I just...
I can't do it anymore.
- I was just trying to help you
have a good time,
have an amazing Diwali.
- Well, thank you, but I'm good.
- Ever since Rishi, you've
become this over-protected,
watered-down version
of yourself.
It's like I don't even matter.
- No, Surina.
I became an adult.
Adults plan.
- I plan.
- You change apartments
every month.
- I'm a nomad at heart.
You know my 23andMe
said I'm 40% Mongolian.
- Your dentist is some dude
off Craigslist.
- Yeah, and I've only lost
two teeth since.
- You graduate with honors,
but you're still gig working
for a moron.
- That's just temporary.
- Look at your life, Surina.
I mean, what's your plan?
- I don't know, Melanie.
Can I say that?
Is that okay?
I do not know.
I don't have a plan.
You think I like
living paycheck to paycheck?
Or crashing around at
people's places being well aware
of how capable I am,
but settling for less?
You're not the only one
with big dreams, Mel.
Just 'cause my path
isn't as neat as yours,
it doesn't mean
I won't get there.
Rishi's place is just
a few blocks away.
I'm sure you'll make it to him
before he leaves.
Go!
- What are we doing?
We have to find Surina and Mel.
- Oh, Gucci.
- No, no, no!
I'm not doing this anymore.
- Okay, Fendi, I understand,
but Salvatore Ferragamo
does not deserve that.
- Shut up!
Just for one second
just shut your mouth.
You are literally batshit crazy.
A total complete lunatic.
And I think I figured out why.
Because in your real life,
you're just a sad,
insecure rich girl that's been
handed everything.
You're trapped in your boring,
meaningless life.
You have no purpose.
I'm honestly
embarrassed for you.
- [slow clapping]
- Lesson complete.
- What?
- You finally stood up
for yourself.
You know your worth.
- Wait, is that what
this was all about?
All the name-calling?
The pushing around?
That was all part of it?
- The Sheila method is cruel,
but effective.
- That's why you threw me
down a flight of stairs.
- Uh, yeah.
Sure. That was part of it too.
One of the most important parts.
- Wow, I didn't know
you had this side to you.
- Well, it's important
to believe in yourself.
You'd be surprised what you
can learn from your exes.
- You mean Percy?
The lunatic
who's trying to murder us?
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go find
Surina and Mel.
Thanks, Sheila.
- Who's gonna carry my bags?
Hi, excuse me,
can you carry these?
I'll just rebuy.
-
- Come on, come on.
Please be here.
- Melanie, my doll!
- Fuck me.
- What happened to you?
- Just a long day.
- You look like a bus hit you.
- Yep.
- You know-
- I don't care, Parveen Auntie.
I just do not care.
- I was going to say,
I have been there.
Hoping something would
just work out because it fit.
I never married.
Never had kids.
Hated myself for years
because of it.
But why?
Really, why?
Who cares what
the world wants from you.
Fuck them.
What do you want?
- RISHI: Hello?
Mel, is that you?
Hello?
Mel?
- Where are you going?
- To save a friendship.
Happy Diwali.
- Happy Diwali.
Did she gain weight?
- Hey, I see you in there.
You just changed the sign
when I got here.
- You crazy witch!
Go!
- What do you want?
- I'm sorry, Surina.
- You have to do better
than that.
- It was never about Rishi.
He was just
some stupid safety net.
The truth is,
I'm scared, Surina.
I always thought I had it
all figured out.
And now I have no clue.
Like when am I going to
brush my teeth tonight?
The thought of not knowing
horrifies me.
I don't have the courage
to do what you do.
You didn't deserve
what I said to you.
Can you forgive me?
Can you forgive Queen Kush?
- Oh no,
I'm finishing this time.
Ah, so good.
Get me a waffle.
- I love you.
- Oh, I love you, Mel.
Wait, how did you know
I'd be here?
- There's nothing better than
hot chai after a long-ass day.
- You guys are okay.
- Seven blocks we ran.
I did not buy new lungs
to use them like this.
- We got the diamond too.
- Finally.
- Mel, I want to tell you
something.
- Not now, Sunjay.
Everyone's having a moment.
- Shut it, Surina!
Melanie, I've been by your side
for God knows how long,
through thick and thin.
You mean everything to me.
I know that there's something
there between us
and I think you do too.
- We're actually all
just going to Kavita's.
Can we talk about this later?
- Of course.
Yeah, totally.
Not a problem.
- Wait, for real?
- It's the weekend social
banger extravaganza,
isn't it?
- Damn sure is.
- Percy,
I have your silly diamond.
And if you think
I'm gonna give it back,
you're out of your mind.
It's stood between us
for long enough.
Your whore diamond's
driving northbound.
Go find it yourself.
So, he wants to
kill all of us now.
- What did you do, Sheila?
- We're going to die.
- Why does this keep happening?
- You lot are a bunch of
bloody idiots, aren't ya?
- Just take it easy you.
Sorry, I just...
Your eyes.
I always get lost in your eyes.
- All right, Percy has a very
special surprise for you,
so, get in the car.
- There's no way in hell
we're all gonna fit in that.
- You'll fit.
It seats five.
Comfortably.
- I bet it gets
great gas mileage.
- Great for the environment.
- Can you call
a private car for me?
- Everyone shut up
and just move!
- I can't get in.
There's all these books.
- All right.
Get out of the way.
Out of the way.
- You're taking the LSAT?
- What do you think I just woke
up one day and was like,
ah, I'm gonna be a hitman?
- Oh, a lawyer.
I didn't think I could
get any more turned on.
- Wow, look,
you think this life is easy?
'Cause the hours are shit.
I get zero time off.
I don't see the girlfriend.
I don't have a 401k.
- You need the 401k.
- Exactly.
I need the 401k.
Do you know how many times
I've had to wash blood
out of these hands?
There is no moisturizer on earth
that is prepared for that.
They all want you
to be a hitman,
but maybe I'm just a hitboy.
- Go.
Get out of here.
- Did he say girlfriend?
- Surina, come.
- Now I see, maybe throwing
a $12 million diamond
in the back of a pickup truck
was a bit of an overreaction.
You should appreciate how much
I restrained myself.
That Percy is a two-faced fake.
- Hold up.
What did you just say?
- Oh, Surina,
I say a lot of things.
- What is it?
- Fake.
This is worth $12 million?
It looks like costume jewelry.
Oh my God, how'd I
not see this before?
We gotta get to the L.
- We need waters on four.
I'll give you your waters.
Oh.
Hey.
If you're gonna
put stuff in my mouth,
I'm asking for consent first.
- I can't believe
we're doing this again,
but where is the diamond, Ameet?
- Whatever do you mean?
- Not urinal mist.
This is worse than tomato.
- Don't try me.
- Hey, it's in my pocket.
It's in my front pocket.
Melanie can get it.
- Gross.
- You know, you probably
all got a lot closer
and cemented your friendship
in a way you never saw before.
- Shut up.
- Shut up.
- Sheila, call Percy.
- Ugh, fine.
- [line ringing]
- PERCY: Hello?
- Hey listen, asshole,
we have the diamond.
- And who is this?
- Surina.
Your worst nightmare.
- Maybe a notch down.
- Your second
to worst nightmare.
- Well, it is a pleasure
to meet you, Surina.
- Don't hurt him.
- Oh, you want your friend back?
Well, then just bring
the diamond by midnight
to Kavita's party.
Okay?
- Even Percy got invited?
- You ready to do this?
Your place first?
- Yeah. Definitely.
- Actually, wait.
One more thing.
- Ah, so you've come to
apologize?
- No, I just realized
life's too short
to waste on
an egotistical asshat like you.
I quit.
- FEMALE SINGER: Brushed my
hair, went downstairs
Favorite jeans on my rear,
and I looked in my mirror
And I said who's that there
- Those two are fucking right.
- SINGER: Got an attitude,
I'm gonna have an attitude
I've got an attitude,
so what, I got an attitude
I got an attitude,
so what, I got an attitude
I got an attitude,
attitude, attitude, attitude,
Attitude, attitude, attitude,
attitude, attitude,
Attitude, attitude,
attitude, attitude, attitude,
Attitude, attitude, attitude,
attitude, attitude,
- Holy shit, it's freezing
mother, bitch, cock balls.
- Ah, these earrings
are killing me.
I totally forgot we have
no phones to call for a Lyft.
- I'm not walking to the L
in these heels.
- [horn beeps]
- Kal Penn?
- Kal Penn?
- It's just Kal.
Do y'all need a ride?
- Where'd you get a rickshaw?
- Come on, Santa's got a sleigh.
I have a rickshaw.
But really it's for a role,
very complicated.
- Can you get us to River North?
- Yeah, hop in.
- MALE SINGER:
I feel my pulse quickening
Oh Joy, when you call me
I was giving up,
oh, I was giving in
Joy, set my mind free
I was giving up,
oh, I was giving in
How'd you always know
when I'm down
How'd you always
know when I'm down
How'd you always know
I'm down
- Oh, you're going to Kavita's.
- You've heard about it too?
- Yeah, it's only the
biggest party of the year.
- Do you want to join us?
- No, I'm okay. Thank you.
- Let me guess,
you're prepping for a role?
- No, I just don't wanna go.
- Oh.
- Hey, before you go, can I
impart some words of wisdom?
- Go for it, Kal Penn.
- Oh, it's just...
Never mind.
So, look, when I was younger,
my um, buddy and I uh,
we had this goal, right?
We wanted to get
the best burgers in America.
Ah, we had ups.
We had downs.
We rode a cheetah.
But the best part
of that journey
wasn't those delicious sliders.
It was discovering things
in our friendship
that we just didn't know
were possible.
And that friendship blossomed
warranting two sequels
and a successful franchise.
- Did you just
outline the plot to-
- I think I'd know
the difference between
a movie I was in and real life,
Melanie.
- You literally just called it
a franchise.
- Yeah, 'cause it's the
franchise of my life.
Anyway, it really doesn't matter
what you do.
What matters is
who you do it with.
So uh, smile like
there's no tomorrow.
Dance like no one's watching
'cause life's too short
to miss out on memories.
[clears throat]
- Do you take drugs?
- Always.
- Oh, perfect.
There's Sheila.
-
- This is the party of the year?
I'm embarrassed for her.
Oh, kulfi.
- You really need to find
a better way to greet people.
- No, this works for me.
Move.
Come on, let's go.
- Yay, you're here.
I wish we could've met under
better circumstances, you know?
But here we are.
The diamond.
I was such a fool to ever think
about letting you go.
Daddy's learned his lesson,
okay?
You can do whatever you want
with me.
Not that.
Oh, you're so naughty.
- So um, sorry to interrupt,
but you got your diamond.
Can we have Sunjay?
- Yeah, right.
Uh, Daniel,
kill him.
- No!
- No!
- How did you think
this would end?
- You don't have to do this.
- This is so cute.
Are you gonna jump?
Oh, careful with the dresses.
It's very "Thelma and Louise".
Hated that movie.
- I ruined that dress
I borrowed last month.
I really wanted a jelly donut
and I thought, okay, Surina,
you've gotta eat this carefully.
This is Mel's dress.
But you really can't eat a
jelly donut carefully, can you?
- It's okay.
You're the best thing
to ever happen to me.
- Me too.
I love you.
- Oh my God, don't make this
any harder than it already is.
Shall I count to three?
Yeah, okay.
Uh, one.
- Sheila.
- I brought some ball gags
along.
I figured a little sex party
could spice things up.
They'll break your fall.
- I'm not jumping into that.
No way.
- Are, are they used?
- Gently.
Come on, girls.
Jump.
- I'm taking my chances
on the concrete.
- Mrs. Finney's class.
That was a total dick move,
but I'm with you now.
Trust me.
- Two.
Three.
- No! No!
- I didn't see that coming.
-
- This is all your fault.
- Aaah!
Oh no, the diamond.
Help me find the diamond,
you idiot.
- Percy, it's down the drain.
We've got to get out of here.
Ah, ah, ah, actual bunch of--
- How's this
for a change of pace?
- You always hurt
the ones you love.
No, to the right.
Your right.
- You are making the
biggest mistake of your life.
Do you know who I am?
Do you know who I am?
She-she.
- Pe-Pe.
I didn't know they'd arrest you.
You'll still call, right?
I can't live without your touch.
I'm gonna send you
a really nice care package.
What's the address?
Just like...jail?
- So, are we superheroes now?
Is this our
Avengers assemble moment?
- Some of us more than others.
- Oh shit, Kavita.
- You ruined my party
and Diwali.
I swear to God, I will make it
my absolute mission
to make sure all of your lives
are a living hell.
- Maybe next time
if you just invited us.
- Hey, Surina.
- Oh, if it isn't baby brother.
Call mommy when you're ready.
- Rahul!
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, looks like
someone missed his flight.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Thought you had a flight.
- Some lady named Parveen just
randomly showed up at my door
and cussed me out for an hour
and she made me miss it.
I've been meaning to call you.
I shouldn't have told you
the way that I did.
It was really awful of me.
I know you'll probably
never forgive me
and I guess
that's just something
I'm gonna have to accept.
- You lied
and you cheated on me.
You really broke my heart,
Rishi.
- I'm sorry.
- Look, I know we
started to grow apart.
I wanted so badly
to make it work.
That's why I kept forcing it.
It took me until today
to realize that
we just wanted different things.
We were just too afraid
to admit it to each other.
- Exactly.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
So, what do we do now?
- Well, it's just
kinda anti-climactic, um,
I don't know, do you wanna
throw a drink at me
and call me an asshole
or something?
- Actually, yeah.
Do you mind?
- Go for it.
- Just um, not the eyes though.
- Okay, stand back a bit.
- Is here good?
- Yeah, perfect.
Asshole.
- How was that?
Was that good?
Oh, no.
- Oh my God, you're on fire.
- Was it that good?
Really?
See, I knew
I should've pursued acting,
but you know
how Desi parents are.
Put it out.
Help me.
- Holy shit,
she just torched him.
- Is this part of
the Diwali ritual
because this is very exciting.
- Oh, excuse me,
I'd like to place my order.
- No, Sheila.
It's not that kinda place.
- Do you think we'll ever get
invited to anything ever again?
- Probably not.
I'm a bit more worried
I should add attempted murder
to my resume.
- Oh, and arson.
- You know what?
I can get used to this.
Being on the fringe.
My own person.
- Oh, I swiped something
from Kavita's.
- Not again.
- We can't end the night
without lighting a candle.
Happy Diwali, Mel.
- Happy Diwali, Surina.
- So, about that vaginoplasty.
- Surina, no.
- Come on.
No more flapping.
-
- Fa la la la la la la
- It's another one
from your girl, Lily
This right here's a special one
for all the
brown girls out there.
Beat that boy with a stick,
boy
Light him up like a Bic,
boy
Dang that fool was a cheat,
boy
Now he gonna get de-stroyed
She's a stick girl in
a stick world
She's a stick girl
in a stick world
Take your pick, girl,
it's your boss world
You haven't heard,
she's a stick girl
-
- MAN: MTV
- FEMALE SINGER:
Have yourself
A merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay
- [record scratches]
-
- Oh, you two look so cute.
What's your name?
Why would she do that?
- Melanie, it's Vivek.
You came to talk to my class,
Corp Finance.
- Right, Northwestern.
How are you?
- Your whole talk about rising
the ranks at Myrtle & Smith,
it really stuck with me.
- I'm so happy to hear that.
- Listen,
you caught vibes that day.
I did, too.
I got the keys
to my parents' car.
- Excuse me?
- I eat it all.
- What's goin' on, Mel?
Is he lost?
- Plenty of room for three
in the Highlander.
Seats fold down.
- Is he?
Oh, gross.
I could be your aunt.
Wait, aren't you Bhavani's kid?
- Yeah, so?
- She's my second cousin.
I'm literally your aunt,
you sicko.
Touch my feet.
Touch hers, too.
Y'all are just
getting younger and pervier.
Scram!
- Thanks for swooping in.
- Of course.
Can we leave now?
You know, Indians
make me uncomfortable.
- Being Indian, you're gonna
have to get over that one day.
- You know what I mean.
We're Indian,
but this is like Indian.
I'm not interested in being
around gossiping demon aunties
and guessing what
uncles ate for dinner.
- It's not that bad.
- [man burps]
- Aloo palak.
Yeah, that was aloo palak.
- And you know we can't leave.
Rishi's on his way
and I haven't seen him-
- In a whole month.
I know.
I've been counting down the days
till I lose you forever.
- I'm not going off to war.
- But, we finally got
a chance to hang out.
After what?
Like two years.
Just like the old days.
You should really reconsider
the thrupple option.
I'd let Rishi hit it
if it meant making us work.
Oh, this is all really
happening, huh, Melanie?
- I love him, Surina.
And once we set a date,
we'll buy a place together.
And have dinner parties.
And buy matching pajamas.
And start our own book club.
It'll all come together.
- I know you're describing
what you think are
really nice things, but I'd
rather jump off a building.
- [phone vibrates and chimes]
- Oh.
Ah shit,
Ameet's delaying my check.
- Why are you still
working for him?
- Oh, I don't work for him.
I just do gigs kinda
exclusively for him
for an agreed amount of money.
- Oh God, it's Parveen Auntie.
- You think if we just
stand still, she won't see us?
- She's not a T-rex.
- Beti,
I haven't seen you in ages.
How's school, Surina?
- I graduated eight years ago.
- So, when's the wedding,
darling?
- We're still figurin' out
a date.
- Really? It's been what?
Four years?
- One year.
We're just taking our time.
- Well, good for you.
All these women out there,
getting married,
having kids,
moving on in the world.
You have every right to do
what you want and be stuck.
- I didn't say I was stuck.
- You know what I mean.
Not excelling or whatnot.
Anyway, so good to see you two.
Good luck on the exams.
- I want to hate her so bad, but
goddammit, she thinks I look 22.
It's so conflicting.
- Ah, there's my cunts.
- Hey Sheila.
- Hey Sheila.
- Sorry I'm late, I had to take
Shawn Mendes for a walk.
- Oh, that's a cute name
for a dog.
- Dog?
You know, I've never been
to one of these before.
It's so cute.
It's like a little refugee camp.
- It's the first day of Diwali.
The festival of lights.
It's where you buy
something precious
as a token to
the goddess Lakshmi.
- Honey, you had me
at buy something.
- Did you tell her
we were coming here?
- Look, I know she's
a little off.
- A little off?
Do you remember
her birthday party?
- Yeah, it was a karaoke party.
Amazing hot wings.
- It was a karaoke sex party.
- Yeah, I guess it
got a little out of hand
when she brought out the kiddie
pool full of ball gags.
But come on.
She seems super lonely.
I mean, she has no one
except Shawn Mendes.
- Is this a night light?
How fun.
I'll catch you in a bit.
Do you take Bitcoin?
- Oh God, if it isn't
the two Indian girls
with the white names.
- Literally, the first thing
people think about
when they hear Surina
is a famous Black tennis player.
So, checkmate, Kavita.
Oh, I see your minions
are multiplying.
- Funny.
I'm their dance teacher.
Oh, I hope you're not
shopping for your wedding, Mel.
These places don't take returns.
[laughs]
- [girls chuckle]
- Everyone knows Desis
don't do long engagements,
so, something must be going on.
- Nothing's going on.
We're just taking our time.
- Don't you have something
better to do like spend your
dad's hotel empire money?
- Okay, first off,
they aren't hotels.
They're a boutique
bungalow experience.
And second, I earn my own money.
I'm the company's
brand ambassador.
- You run the TikTok page.
- Four million followers
and counting.
And please tell me.
What do you do
besides being dead weight?
- Oh, you mean other than
railing your brother?
- You stay away from Rahul.
- Okay. Okay, come on, guys.
- Word to the wise, Mel.
Choose quality friends
or they'll drag you
into the gutter with them.
- I'm sorry I took
your brother's virginity.
- God, she's so mean.
She didn't used to be like this.
- Yeah, being in the
Desi dance competition scene
can ruin you.
Remember when we almost
joined that bhangra cult?
- [gasps] Rishi!
- Oh, I'm gonna
give you guys some time.
I guess you should catch up
on 401k plans
and container options.
- Sorry I'm late, I came
straight from the airport.
- It's okay.
I missed you so much.
- Hey, listen,
can we have a second to talk?
- Yeah, sure.
But let's grab seats first.
The dances are starting.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- [lip-syncing Bollywood song]
- Keep the fuck up, Preeti.
- [audience applauding]
- Yo, yo, yo.
I know you didn't get enough
last month during Navratri,
so, the dance floor is open
for some dandiya raas.
- You're so quiet.
- I know. It's just...
- What is it?
- It's just that I...
No, hold on. Wait.
- All right, come on up.
Don't be shy, don't be shy.
Come bust a move.
It's fine.
- Remember our couple's intake?
We have to communicate.
- I know.
I'm trying.
It's just that this
isn't the most ideal setting.
- Radical honesty, Rishi.
- What does that even mean?
- It's the radical honesty sign.
- Well, it's honestly stupid.
- We agreed to do this, Rishi.
It was part of the plan.
- That's just it.
It's, it's your plan.
It's always your plan.
I-I-I can't do this anymore.
You want radical honesty, Mel?
Here it is.
I've been sleeping with Brandi.
- Oh, that's messed up.
- Your old project manager?
- I didn't go
on a business trip.
I went to Bali with her.
It was the best month
of my life.
I'm flying out to LA
to be with her.
- Are you okay, Mel?
I know this stick isn't sharp,
but I think I can stab him in
that soft spot behind his knee.
- I'm sorry.
- We were supposed to be
happy together!
- Yo, yo, yo, hey.
Security to the stage,
security to the-
- I hate you!
You cheated on me!
Fuck you!
- Yo, we don't have security.
- Go to hell!
- So, everybody just protect
yourselves.
- Stop! Stop!
- Lying piece of shit.
I hate you!
- For the love of God.
- Hey, hey, yo, yo.
- I hate you, you--aah!
- Stay.
-
- [sobbing]
Thank you, Mr. Henderson.
I will for sure
follow-up with you.
Happy birthday.
- Are you sure
you don't need anything?
I can order you lunch
or torch his clothes.
- Thanks, but I'll pass.
- You never let me
torch anything.
- I can't believe he did this.
And I assaulted him.
- That was the best part
of the night.
That's the Mel I love.
Like that time when you got
dumped by that guy,
so you dated his landlord
and increased his rent.
- This wasn't
supposed to happen.
- We'll figure this out
together, okay?
I gotta head to Ameet's.
Oh, by the way,
don't Google "stick girl".
- Wait, what?
- Okay, byeeee!
- We were supposed to be
happy together.
- Stop, stop, stop.
- You fucking
lying piece of shit!
I hate you!
You freaking idiot!
I hate you!
You cheated on me!
- I can explain.
- I know as a woman of color
that you aren't often seen
in the same way that I,
a cisgendered,
heterosexual male, man.
Not mailman.
Man, A-N.
And I know sometimes things can
get taken out of context.
- I will murder you.
Murder!
- I'm sorry.
It wasn't my best moment.
- Every moment is your moment.
Womoment.
As an ally, I see you.
Inclusively.
- I think you might just be
saying a lot of different words.
- Very important words.
I'll cut to it.
One of our biggest clients
is coming in Monday.
And if they saw this
wrong representation,
they just wouldn't get it.
White people, am I right?
Burn it down.
Just burn it down.
I think you should
take some time to heal.
I'll float the project to Jake.
- So, you're taking me
off a project
and basically
suspending me for a week?
- Think of it as an early
secular Christmas gift
without pay.
Cool?
- I guess so.
- Great.
I'm really glad we were able
to hold space for that.
And that's it.
If you could just
close the door on your way out?
Thanks.
Hey, solidarity.
- Surina, I hired you
to make a website
and run the social media pages.
As an entrepreneur-
- You deliver food
for your parents' restaurant
and sell stolen iPhones
to middle schoolers.
- You botched
my Diwali campaign.
- I didn't botch anything.
The Instagram impressions were
amazing considering how awful
the idea was.
- David Diwali could've captured
the hearts and minds
of this nation
if you did your job right.
I mean, look at him.
He could've been the next
Easter Bunny, Santa Claus,
SpongeBob even.
- David Diwali looks like
he abducts children.
- How dare you.
Look, you didn't fulfill
your end of the agreement,
so, I'm putting you on a tab.
You'll get your paycheck once
you work off what you owe me.
- What? Screw that.
- No screwing, just realness.
- You're actually being serious?
- Yeah.
Welcome to the school
of hard knocks, Surina.
Dog eat dog.
No pain, no gain.
Life takes no prisoners.
- Take this as
a lesson in responsibility.
Maybe it'll help you
get your shit together.
- You're lucky
your parents make good food.
- [phone ringing]
- Clay Oven Restaurant.
This is Ameet.
Oh, hi Auntie.
Yes, I'm doing good.
No, no, I'm,
I'm still single.
- I hate always
waiting in line here.
- Gilpreet's chai is like crack.
Just be cool.
- If he says something, I swear
I'm going to boycott this place.
- Hi, Uncle Ji.
Happy Diwali.
I hope you're having a
wonderful, blessed day.
We'll have two chais, please.
- We'll have two chais, please.
Speak in Punjabi.
- We don't speak Punjabi.
- Speak Hindi then.
Something.
Respect the homeland.
- Trust me,
us not speaking the language
is respecting the homeland.
- I survived partition for this?
Wannabee Lindsay Lohan
and Kendall Jenner?
- Didn't realize
I ordered chai
with a side of misogyny today.
- Next.
- Next time,
we boycott this place.
There is nothing better
than a hot-ass chai
after a long-ass day.
- Don't hate me,
but I reached out to Rishi.
We're gonna meet up
before his flight tomorrow.
- What? No!
- We have to talk this through.
- Don't do this, Mel.
This is a gift from the heavens.
Just move on like
it never happened.
- But we worked.
We have the same
interests and goals.
I mean, we both love fondue, and
we get really creative with it.
Like last time
we got persimmons-
- Again, I know these are being
described as nice things,
but I will jump off a building.
And more importantly,
he cheated on you.
- I obviously
respect myself enough
to not go crawling back to him,
but I just,
I need to understand
what happened.
We can't just erase
everything we had.
- Since you're part of the hive.
- [camera clicking]
- Here you go.
Hey, say no to drugs.
Super fan.
- Yeah, Sanjay, most adult men
don't gloat about
taking pictures with young boys.
- What can I say?
You win one spelling bee and
you're a hero for life.
I'm like their Lebron James.
Nothing but vowels.
- You just wake up in the
morning with no clue, huh?
- Whatever.
Um, have you all seen this?
- Beat that boy with a stick,
boy
Light him up like a Bic, boy
Dang that fool was a cheat,
boy
Now he gonna get de-stroyed
She's a stick girl
in a stick world
She's a stick girl
in a stick world
- That's actually pretty catchy.
I mean, I wouldn't make it
my ringtone or anything.
But definitely a top contender
for the workout playlist.
- Surina.
- Sorry.
That was an abomination.
- You know, I heard
what Rishi did
and maybe this is for the best.
That big fall from grace,
so you truly appreciate
what's right in front of you
like, literally in front of you.
- At least simp
with some dignity, Jesus.
- What am I gonna do, guys?
- I'll tell you what
you're certainly not doing
is brooding until you talk
with Rishi tomorrow.
This is Diwali.
I propose a full weekend
social banger extravaganza.
- That sounds like
way too many words.
- They're all equally important.
- No, I'm just gonna stay home
and crawl under
my weighted blanket.
- Oh, I totally get it.
It does wonders
for the nervous system.
- No one cares,
Friendzone Freddy.
Just give me the weekend, Mel.
You gotta release
all this energy
and bring back that bad bitch
I once knew.
And you can only do that by
getting intensely hammered.
Look...
- Yeah.
- Whatever happens with Rishi,
happens.
But the only way you're
gonna find closure in this
is with a big ol' Rishi purge.
You know, wash that mofo
out of your soul.
- I just miss him.
- I get that.
But weekend social banger
extravaganza.
Weekend social banger
extravaganza.
Weekend social
banger extravaganza!!!
- Okay.
- Yes!
- [phone vibrating]
- Oh, it's Sheila.
She's asking if we're
going to her thing tonight.
- We're not going.
And more importantly,
she's crazy.
- Kismet.
Tell her we'll be there.
- Absolutely not.
- Uh-uh, we're jumping
out of that comfort zone.
Embrace it, Mel.
Two chais to go!
- Get the hell out of my store!
- Okay!
-
- It's like everywhere you go,
Christmas,
it's just in your face.
It's like capitalism
on steroids.
Is anyone even
celebrating Diwali right now?
It's only celebrated by about
a billion people.
- Exactly. Yes.
- That's why I appreciate
Indian culture so much.
You all just have this
natural spiritually, you know?
You're just so connected
with the earth.
- And there it is.
- There it is.
- Excuse us.
- You heard the lady.
Beat it.
- Wait. Scripps National
Spelling Bee champ '04?
Oh, you killed "insouciant".
Can I get a picture?
- Well, since you're
part of the hive.
- Buzz, buzz.
- Buzz, buzz.
- Look, this is just a primer.
I promise you
things will get better.
Weekend social banger
extravaganza.
- Who let the hos out?
Terrible news about Rafiki.
- Rishi.
- What did I say?
Bit of advice, vaginoplasty.
- What?
- No one wants a loose,
sloppy vagina, Melanie.
Flapping around
like a lost sailboat at sea.
Ew, mayday.
- Kavita's here?
- I know, right?
I hate that bitch, I don't
know why she's even here.
I love her, though.
I can't wait to go to her
Diwali party tomorrow night.
- Wait, what?
- Diwali is the
festival of lights.
It's celebrated
over the course of five days,
something about a goddess--
- I know what Diwali is.
I told you what Diwali is.
Kavita's having
a party tomorrow?
- Yeah, why else
would she invite me?
- Sheila, we didn't get invited.
- Why didn't you just say that?
It's 2021, you gotta use your
me too big-girl words, honey.
- Who cares.
She's a total bitch and her
party will suck balls.
- I know but the principle.
She probably invited Rishi.
- Rafiki.
That is odd that you didn't
get an invite, though.
I mean,
all the browns are going.
It's gonna be
the event of the year.
Oh, for the love of God,
Shawn Mendes.
No, that will stain.
Use seltzer!
- That's not Shawn Mendes.
- Shawn Mendes, uh,
son of the billionaire
Venezuelan oil tycoon?
I think I know who
Shawn Mendes is.
[speaking Spanish]
Don't forget your gift bags.
- A few shots and we're gone.
I promise.
- Thirty-five carats
cut to perfection.
Mined in Kolkata.
Do you know it took me
almost a decade
to get my hands on this one?
- It's gorgeous.
- It's more than gorgeous.
I'd let it slowly penetrate me
to R&B music.
- That feels like a lot.
- So, Montecito's men
will be with you shortly.
Be discreet, all right?
Make it a clean transaction.
Bring the suitcase of money
to the office, okay?
- I won't let you down, Percy.
- Don't use my name.
Or yours, you idiot.
Just talk in codes or something,
Jesus.
- FEMALE SINGER:
I know
I'm just a loser
Shouldn't be with ya
Guess I'm a quitter
- My nose is real but tell
everyone it's fake.
- There you go.
- Thanks, Kal Penn.
- Oh, just Kal is fine.
You doing okay?
You're on your third one.
- It's just been a long week.
I didn't know you bartended.
- Oh, this is just to prep
for a role.
You know, I try to embody
the characters that I'm playing.
It's a thing that actors
do all the time.
So today I am a bartender.
You know Emma Stone
was checking IDs last week
to prep for some role she had.
You know Betty White?
Like a month ago, she was siting
exactly where you were
just getting completely
shit house hammered
on Japanese whiskey
and Hot Pockets.
- That's a lot.
Wait, so is that
Tituss Burgess prepping?
Let me guess.
He's playing a
mysterious loner who was
at the top of his game only
to take a turn for the worst.
- No, he's not prepping, Mel.
- What do you want from me?
I can't be fabulous
all the time.
It's always like, Tituss, what
are you wearing?
Tituss, be the life
of the party.
I mean, here I am
having a damn Bahama Mama
in these ill-fitted pants
and I'm proud of it.
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
You don't get to apologize.
You beautiful,
beautiful woman person.
Kal, put this on her tab.
And no one, no one should be
allowed to have hair that silky!
- Well, it was good to see you,
Mel.
I've got to go to a meat plant.
God, it's a complicated role.
- Did the bartender just leave?
- Yeah.
Do you want this?
I didn't touch it.
- Yeah, I hate to waste
free booze.
- Oh, geez, wow.
- Well, hard times
call for hard solutions.
I'm Melanie.
- I'm Drake Doolittle.
- Your name is
Drake Doolittle?
- Drake Doolittle, yeah.
It's part French
and uh, lower Italian.
Excuse me.
Be right back.
- Okay.
- Who is he?
Hit it, uh, uh, uh.
- I don't know.
I just met him.
I'm not gonna sleep with anyone.
- Here, you can do it
behind my coat.
No one will see.
It has pockets.
- Surina, Rishi and I, we're...
We need to figure it out.
- Oh, so as you are
figuring it out,
Rishi gets to stick his dick
into other girls,
but how come you can't
get to stick your dick in...
You know what I mean.
- [phone ringing]
- Yeah, so the deal's gone bad.
They don't know what you look
like, so get out of there.
- Wait, it can happen that fast?
- Yeah, I decided that
I'd rather keep the diamond.
But hurry, they're basically
looking for any guy
by themselves.
- Dammit.
- Hot guy coming.
So, Mel is a huge catch
and she's been in this
shitty relationship
for like a billion years.
So, she's looking for some
no strings attached action.
Also, she's getting
her vag tightened.
It won't flap around
like a lost sailboat at sea.
- Surina.
- That is a fantastic idea.
- What?
- Yeah, let's do it.
Off we go.
- You have an accent?
That's so hot.
Say crikey,
where'd me kangaroo go?
- Yeah, we have gotta go.
Come on, off we go.
- Where are we going?
- Oh, don't forget
your gift bags.
- Wait, who the hell
is that guy?
- Not you.
- What are you doing?
- Security check.
You're fine.
- What was that about?
It's cold out here.
Listen, you can't just
drag me around like a rag doll.
- Type your number in.
- Yes, daddy.
No, wait, I'm in a relationship.
Sort of.
It's complicated.
We can't do this.
I didn't wax.
- I'm gonna call you
very, very soon
because you have
something special that I need.
You got it?
- I haven't done this
in three years.
Is this flirting?
Did you just turn me down?
It's very difficult to make
sense out of this situation.
Call me.
- Oh, back already?
The hot ones
are always minute men.
All good.
We'll find another.
- Do you know what?
Let's get drunk.
- Yeah!
- SINGER:
Call me when you want
Call me when you need
Call me in the morning,
I'll be on the way
Call me when you want,
call me when you need
Call me out by your name,
I'll be on the way like
Oh, call me by your name,
tell me you love me in private
Call me by your name,
I do not care if you lyin'
Tell me what your name is
Oh, call me by your name,
tell me you love me in private
Call me by your name,
I do not care if you lyin'
-
- Shit.
Surina, wake up.
- No, Frosty, the buttons.
They're sewing them
on to your skin.
Ow, what?
- I'm supposed to meet Rishi.
- Oh, weekend social
banger extravaganza!
Let's go, Diwali!
- Anyone want an omelette?
Frittata?
- [screams]
Who the hell is that?
- Oh, Jerry.
Met him at the bar.
- I hope you guys
like scrambled.
- Prince Charles is easier
to get ahold of than you two.
So, this is how the 99% lives.
- Sheila,
what are you doing here?
- There is a pressing matter
that we need to resolve at once.
Kavita didn't get her gift bag.
- We didn't take her gift bag.
Did you take her gift bag?
- Gift bags are
for deserving people.
That's all I'm gonna say.
- Okay, great.
Check that off the list.
One more thing, all of your
lives are in grave danger.
- What?
- What?
- My ex, not the last one,
but the one before
the one before that.
- Oh, you mean the 96-year-old
you married for money?
- I loved Archibald
and those were the best
32 days of my life.
I'm talking about my ex, Percy.
- Is he on his deathbed too?
- Do you kiss your mother
with that filthy,
sarcastic whore mouth?
Ah, let me just show you.
Him.
He owns a small
blood diamond operation.
I let him use my bar
as the drop-off spot
and well, the deal went bad.
- Blood diamond operation?
You've got to be kidding me.
- And what does bad mean?
- Wait, that's the guy
who was hitting on me.
Drake Doolittle.
- That's seriously his name?
- Yeah, he's part French,
part lower Italian.
- Mm, so much better
than upper Italian.
Do not let those people
in this country.
- He was using me
as some sort of decoy?
- Obviously.
His name is Daniel
and he put a 35-carat diamond
in your gift bag.
And now all your lives are in
danger.
- Wait, hold up.
So that catch of a lifetime
put a diamond
in Mel's gift bag?
So, a big-ass diamond
probably worth millions
is in this apartment right now?
- Twelve million, but yes.
- Holy shit.
Let's not give it back.
- A person once
put one over on Percy,
and well,
he scooped his eyeballs out
and served it to him
on an ice cream cone.
- Let's definitely give it back.
- Mm...
- Mm...
Where's the gift bags?
You put them right here.
Sunjay, do you have the bags?
- Hold your horses.
Breakfast is almost ready.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Ameet.
- Oh yeah, Ameet came over.
We ordered Indian food from his
parent's place last night.
Oh, should I
make pancakes instead?
- Wait, Ameet has the diamond?
That idiot you work for?
- Do gigs for.
- So, what should I
tell Percy then?
- Why? Is he on the phone
right now?
- I don't like texting.
It makes my fingers wrinkly,
and I just got them Botoxed.
Well, that was rude.
- I don't want my eyes scooped.
I like my eyes.
It's one of my best features
next to my cheekbones.
- Really?
I'd rate cheekbones first.
Look, you're not gonna
get scoopy-eyed.
I can fix this.
We go to Ameet's,
get the bags, and done.
- Oh, perfect.
- Ah, but wait, Sheila.
You're on the hook too.
If we can't fix this, Percy
will probably scoopy-eye you.
- He wouldn't dare
scoopy-eye me.
No one scoopy-eyes Sheila.
If anything, I'm the one
that does the scoopy-eying.
- Why don't you call
and ask him?
- Hmm.
- So, we do this, and you get us
into Kavita's Diwali party.
- Are you seriously
bargaining over possible death?
- Look, I hate that bitch, but
it's the party of a lifetime.
Weekend social banger
extravaganza.
- Well played, Surina.
Well played.
It's a deal.
- I still have to meet Rishi
before he flies out.
- We'll find the diamond,
meet up with Rishi,
crash Kavita's party.
Boom, figured out.
- Oh, this is fun.
It's like "Lord of the Rings".
I'm the beautiful elf princess
and you're my trusty,
hairy hobbits.
Come on, Frodo.
- Hey, are you sure about this?
- When have I ever let you down?
- Third grade, Mrs. Finney's
class when you said to jump
from the jungle gym on three
and you chickened out.
- And that day you learned
you're much braver than I am.
You're welcome.
- When you totaled my car
and my parents grounded me
for six months.
- Which made you anti-social,
only study,
and landed you
a full ride at Harvard.
Come on, girl.
Through everything,
I've always had your back.
Trust me.
- Oh, should I wear the new-
- Pants, pants with the mm top?
- Mm top?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Come on, Jerry.
- Dope.
- So let me get this straight.
You have no idea
where the diamond is?
A $12 million diamond,
that personally,
I would let caress my insides.
- I can find it.
I just need a little more time.
- Oh, Danny boy.
I brought you on
to make my life easier,
not to create
a bloody train wreck.
Don't get me wrong.
I like you.
I do!
Yeah, I mean, you come highly,
highly recommended.
- I will find it.
I don't want to end up
like George.
- What do you mean?
- Ice cream scooped.
You scoopy-eyed him.
- Whoops.
So, George has a congenital
birth condition.
Yeah.
You've got to be more sensitive
in the workplace, all right?
Not this ableist arsehole.
We had the whole HR meeting
and everything.
- Yeah, yeah, look,
I have her number.
- Oh.
- We can track her.
- There you go.
Perfect.
Handle this.
- Okay.
- I wouldn't want you
to end up like Herman.
- Those bags are sold-a-mundo.
Every last thing in them.
- You're kidding?
- Oh, I thought you'd be happy.
Your tab is cleared
and then some.
I mean,
those bags were incredible.
Tiffany bracelet, Chanel wallet.
- Oh, honey,
those bags were trash compared
to my next party.
You should come.
- I'm Ameet.
- Sheila.
The party's gonna be
catered by St Laurent.
They do food now.
- Wow.
- Who bought the bags, Ameet?
- Ameet Corp LLC has a strict
confidentiality policy
and uh, I'm not gonna
violate it for you.
- Tell us who bought them.
- I knew this day would come.
Ah, the tension between us
is so thick.
Why would you do that?
Please stop.
Jesus Christ, okay.
I gave it to this couple, the
Mittals, I owed them money.
- You owe them money?
You owe me money.
- I know the Mittals.
They run that trendy,
sustainable clothing line.
Which I do not understand.
Why would you wear clothes
more than once?
- I'll tell.
6530 North Sedgewick Street.
- We can pick up the L
around the corner.
- Hey, I'm coming back
for my money.
- Bye, Melanie.
- People actually use this?
- You've seriously
never been on the L?
- In a nightmare once.
Judi Dench was there too.
She wouldn't stop
giving me marigolds.
You know I'd be willing
to take you on.
- What?
- For as long as I've known you,
you've been into Melanie.
Why haven't you
asked her out yet?
- I don't know.
I've tried, but...
she just sees me as this little-
- Bitch?
- I was gonna say brother.
- But bitch is probably
more appropriate.
- A little rude.
- I can help you.
- Really?
- Listen, I'm no miracle worker.
- But?
- No, that's it.
- Oh.
- So, we get to the Mittals,
and then we're going to Rishi's.
- You'll have plenty of time
to catch him before his flight.
You gotta admit,
this is a little fun.
This is what a Rishi-free life
looks like.
- Yeah, sign me up.
Nothing beats being chased
by a homicidal maniac.
- You love me.
- [gun cocks]
- Oh shit, Daniel.
- Here's what's gonna happen.
We're gonna go up those stairs.
You're gonna give me the diamond
and then we're all gonna walk
away like this never happened.
- We don't have the diamond.
You have such strong arms.
- I'm not playin' around.
- No, no, we're not lying.
We had the diamond
in Mel's gift bag,
then this guy named Ameet,
who I do gigs for, not work for,
took it
because I owed him money,
then he gave it off to
these greenwear entrepreneurs
because he owed them money.
See? It's a simple explanation,
really.
So, your jawline,
God made no mistakes.
- Enough!
Start walkin'.
One peep and I pull the trigger.
- What the hell's going on?
- That is so Percy to send one
of his henchmen to kill us.
- Shut up
and get in front of them.
Move.
- Ah, I'm dangerous!
- WOMAN: That bitch has a sai!
- Stop right there.
- Clever girl.
- That was smart.
- Thanks.
- On the ground.
- I didn't think
this far ahead though.
- On the ground!
- Sheila doesn't do ground.
- I just want to let you know
you're all being detained
for carrying a deadly weapon.
- This is totally
because we're brown.
This is systemic racism,
xenophobia and frankly,
Islamophobia.
- Are one of you Muslim?
- I am.
- I didn't know you were Muslim.
- Everyone's a little Muslim,
Surina.
Get with the times.
Hi, excuse me, sir.
I can't be here
with these people,
so, if you wanted
to reach into my pocket,
there should be a fresh,
crisp Franklin waiting for you.
Oh, actually I used that
to shoo away an old woman.
Do you take Dogecoin?
- Ma'am, I'm gonna need you
to shut up.
Get comfy 'cause y'all
gonna be here for a while.
Wait a second.
You're famous.
- Oh, here we go again.
Scripps National Spelling Bee
champ '04.
It happens all the time.
- I don't know what the hell
you're talking about.
Stick girl?
[laughs gleefully]
Yo, can I get a picture?
My girlfriend loves you.
Oh, the song, that remix.
Yo, beat that boy
with a stick, boy
Keep it thick like say what
- Yep, that's me.
I'm stick girl.
- You sure are.
Just right there.
Oh, that's a good one.
That's a good one.
That song is a bop, okay?
It's like if someone bottled up
the music of a generation
and served it on ice
on a hot day.
Ah.
Okay, real quick just...
- Jerry, don't.
- It's all good.
Tonight is Diwali.
A special holiday
about friendship,
love and camaraderie.
This is your journey.
Stay fresh, girl.
- Feast on this, pigs!
- Freeze!
- [loud thudding]
- Run for it!
- JERRY: Remember me.
- Don't leave me.
- Damn you, stick girl.
- Did we lose Surina and Mel?
How are you not out of breath?
- Oh, I got a lung transplant
a couple of years ago.
- I didn't know that.
What was wrong?
- Nothing.
I just wanted new lungs.
Anyway, I'm glad we're alone.
We can finally start the first
session of the Sheila method.
- Oh.
Ow. Wh--
Ow. Why?
Ah, stop that!
- You're pathetic.
You've spent your life
following a girl
who doesn't even like you.
You're always wearing the same
Express sweater-shirt combo.
And you reek of CK One.
You are weak.
- Wait.
-
- I hope Sheila and Sunjay
are okay.
- They're not answering.
- We have to call the police.
- Are you kidding me?
I'm not going out like Jerry.
And he's white.
- How did Daniel even find us?
He must've tracked us with our
phones.
- Oh, that gorgeous,
clever son of a bitch.
We gotta break 'em.
- We gotta what?
- Here. Give me your phone.
Trust me.
I binge Mr. Robot.
Okay, we gotta
break yours first.
- Why mine first?
- Yours is an 11.
Mine's a 12.
- What difference
does that make?
- We should break the lower
model one first.
- Well, it's basically the same
except for the camera.
- Not true, the 11 can only
manage 996 by 1820,
a meager 452... Okay, we do them
both at the same time.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
- Aah!
- Aah!
It was the right thing to do.
- We could've just
put them in a locker.
Also, he wasn't tracking yours.
He only had my number.
- Shh, Mel.
It was the right thing to do.
- Wait, we're here.
- Oh, thank God.
- We need a plan.
- Right.
We go in and say, hey,
can you give us the diamond?
And then they give it to us.
- That's not gonna work.
They may not even know
they have it.
- How do you miss
a 35-carat diamond?
- You know sometimes when
something is way down
in a gift bag, it like,
mixes with the paper stuffing.
And if it's a lot of stuffing,
there's just a lot of folds
and crevices to navigate.
- Right, I never
thought about it like that.
Mel, no.
- Namaste.
- Namaste.
- I didn't know Indians could
appropriate their own culture.
- Seriously.
- Who wants some small bites?
- What? No way.
Look at this spread.
- We make it a point to feed any
guest who comes to our home.
It's such a privilege
for us to provide.
- It's a privilege to consume.
- I hope you don't mind
we eat with our hands here
like our ancestors.
- How else am I
supposed to honor them?
- So, I know this
is really random,
but you got something from Ameet
yesterday at his restaurant.
In one of those bags was a-
- Oh, I know what you're
talking about. That was yours.
- Yeah.
- Let me go get it.
- So what color
is your aura today?
Mine's fuchsia.
- Those were in the gift bag?
- Oh, this was just a sampling.
There were vibrators, ball gags,
anal beads, anal probes,
anal tinglers, anal tumblers,
prostate pinchers,
prostate punchers.
- No, but the punchers
were more of a pinch, babe.
- Oh, that's right.
Questionable marketing
with those.
- Jesus, Sheila.
- No, no, no, no,
it was more something
that you don't stick in you.
- Oh, but you don't
stick this in you.
It's a clitoral stimulator.
It goes right under the
clitoral hood just like that.
- Can you see?
It's right...
- You know what?
Let me just show you.
- Oh, I'm fine.
- No, it's okay.
She's a sex yogi.
- I'm a sex yogi.
- I'm certified as well
in case you're not comfortable
with same-gender intimacy.
Get the coconut oil.
- No.
- I don't know, Mel.
It might help loosen you up.
- Me and my clit are good.
Just in here chillin'.
Not stimulating needed.
We're here for the diamond.
- The diamond?
- In a jewel box.
- We were very upset when Ameet
gave us a diamond as payment.
When he knows that
Lena and I believe
that diamonds carry
very, very bad energy.
- I would never
stick a diamond up my vagina.
- Baby, I wouldn't either.
Come here.
- Yeah. Totally.
So, can we have it?
- Yes.
You'll take it?
- Absolutely.
- Oh my gosh,
I'll go get it right now.
- Thank you so much.
- See? Told you we'd fix it.
What?
- This isn't too Indian for you?
- No, I'm kinda diggin' it.
Maybe I'm finding myself.
- You should feel
a little bit of tingle.
- Do you have a phone I can use?
- Oh, no. We don't believe
in cell phones here.
The only 5Gs we have are God,
Greatness, Gratitude,
Graciousness and Grandness.
[laughs]
But we do have a landline
in the guest room,
down the hallway,
third door on the right.
Okay? Just past the
manifestation fountain.
Do you wanna smoke?
- Uh, yeah.
- Great.
- What is this?
- That's a South Asian delicacy,
Malana cream,
Himalayan hash.
-
- Oh, shit.
- Oh my God.
- I got the diamond.
- I have a thing
to talk to you about.
A Nikki Haley thing.
- You can't just use the
Nikki Haley code word
for anything, Mel.
You're abusing the system.
- I need to show you something.
Are you high?
- Say hello to my little friend.
Whoa, did that sound racist?
I didn't mean
for that to sound racist.
- Are you serious right now?
- Come on, take a hit.
- Absolutely not.
- Why?
You smoke all the time.
- I stopped for Rishi.
- I didn't know this.
- We made an agreement in
therapy a couple of months ago.
He hates the smell.
- Oh, just as he agreed to not
pound other vaginas for you.
- Surina, stop.
- I just find it so unbelievable
Queen Kush
stopped smoking for a man.
- Well, Queen Kush
smoked a lot in her life.
It's time for her to grow up.
- That's not the Queen Kush
I know.
She'd never change for anyone.
- She's smart enough
to make her own choices.
Why am I talking
in the third person?
Here, give me that.
Happy?
- Yes. Yes, I am.
- Jesus.
When did weed get this strong?
- It's not weed.
It's Malana cream,
Himalayan hash.
- What?
- It's okay.
It's not as bad as...
Sorry, the walls
were just talking to me.
They're really happy.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
This can't be happening.
- Okay, calm down.
It's diluted.
It will wear off quickly.
Now what did you
want to show me?
Is it in here?
Is it a pedestal sink?
You know I fucks
with pedestal sinks.
Holy Nikki Haley!
- Please don't shut the door.
They're keeping us here
against our will.
- Noted.
Thank you.
Just one second, please.
- Please help us.
- Oh my God. Oh my God.
What are we gonna do?
- That's what I was saying,
but no, you wanted
to smoke it up
like Chong and Cheech.
- Cheech and Chong.
- That's what I said.
- No, you said it reversed.
Who does that?
- It's the same thing.
It's two people's names.
- But never in that order.
- Well, maybe Chong
wants to be first sometimes.
- Hey, is everything
okay back there, girls?
Did you get lost by the
manifestation fountain?
It happens all the time.
Literally and metaphorically
by the fountain.
- Yeah, no, we're good.
We're just
manifesting over here.
God, these people are psychos.
We gotta get out of here.
That door.
- We can't just leave them.
- What are we gonna do?
Put them on our backs?
- I'm sorry, we'll try to donate
to a reputable charity.
- Or request me on Venmo.
At Surina not Williams.
David Diwali?
- You want some candy, kids?
Get in the van!
- SURINA: Frosty!
- Why?
Why would you
sew buttons on to me?
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Should we check on them?
- I'm sure they're fine.
Okay, I'm ready for
my turmeric bath, baby.
- This is worth $12 million?
It looks like costume jewelry.
- [retching]
- Oh, smart.
Empty it all up 'cause we got
tons of drinking ahead of us.
Oh, hey, we can pick up the L
over there.
Head to Kavita's.
- No, I'm done.
I'm not going to Kavita's.
- But we know
Sheila's gonna be there.
We'll give her the diamond
and then weekend social banger.
Did I miss something?
I thought we were having fun?
- How is this fun?
Somebody's been
trying to kill us.
- Well, I mean, yeah, if you
choose the one bad part,
it's not gonna sound great.
- I need to go to Rishi's.
- Why is it always about Rishi?
- Because at least I know
what it is.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- When I'm with you,
it's amazing,
but it's always pure chaos.
Hey, Surina,
you want to hang out?
Sure. Explosion.
I just...
I can't do it anymore.
- I was just trying to help you
have a good time,
have an amazing Diwali.
- Well, thank you, but I'm good.
- Ever since Rishi, you've
become this over-protected,
watered-down version
of yourself.
It's like I don't even matter.
- No, Surina.
I became an adult.
Adults plan.
- I plan.
- You change apartments
every month.
- I'm a nomad at heart.
You know my 23andMe
said I'm 40% Mongolian.
- Your dentist is some dude
off Craigslist.
- Yeah, and I've only lost
two teeth since.
- You graduate with honors,
but you're still gig working
for a moron.
- That's just temporary.
- Look at your life, Surina.
I mean, what's your plan?
- I don't know, Melanie.
Can I say that?
Is that okay?
I do not know.
I don't have a plan.
You think I like
living paycheck to paycheck?
Or crashing around at
people's places being well aware
of how capable I am,
but settling for less?
You're not the only one
with big dreams, Mel.
Just 'cause my path
isn't as neat as yours,
it doesn't mean
I won't get there.
Rishi's place is just
a few blocks away.
I'm sure you'll make it to him
before he leaves.
Go!
- What are we doing?
We have to find Surina and Mel.
- Oh, Gucci.
- No, no, no!
I'm not doing this anymore.
- Okay, Fendi, I understand,
but Salvatore Ferragamo
does not deserve that.
- Shut up!
Just for one second
just shut your mouth.
You are literally batshit crazy.
A total complete lunatic.
And I think I figured out why.
Because in your real life,
you're just a sad,
insecure rich girl that's been
handed everything.
You're trapped in your boring,
meaningless life.
You have no purpose.
I'm honestly
embarrassed for you.
- [slow clapping]
- Lesson complete.
- What?
- You finally stood up
for yourself.
You know your worth.
- Wait, is that what
this was all about?
All the name-calling?
The pushing around?
That was all part of it?
- The Sheila method is cruel,
but effective.
- That's why you threw me
down a flight of stairs.
- Uh, yeah.
Sure. That was part of it too.
One of the most important parts.
- Wow, I didn't know
you had this side to you.
- Well, it's important
to believe in yourself.
You'd be surprised what you
can learn from your exes.
- You mean Percy?
The lunatic
who's trying to murder us?
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go find
Surina and Mel.
Thanks, Sheila.
- Who's gonna carry my bags?
Hi, excuse me,
can you carry these?
I'll just rebuy.
-
- Come on, come on.
Please be here.
- Melanie, my doll!
- Fuck me.
- What happened to you?
- Just a long day.
- You look like a bus hit you.
- Yep.
- You know-
- I don't care, Parveen Auntie.
I just do not care.
- I was going to say,
I have been there.
Hoping something would
just work out because it fit.
I never married.
Never had kids.
Hated myself for years
because of it.
But why?
Really, why?
Who cares what
the world wants from you.
Fuck them.
What do you want?
- RISHI: Hello?
Mel, is that you?
Hello?
Mel?
- Where are you going?
- To save a friendship.
Happy Diwali.
- Happy Diwali.
Did she gain weight?
- Hey, I see you in there.
You just changed the sign
when I got here.
- You crazy witch!
Go!
- What do you want?
- I'm sorry, Surina.
- You have to do better
than that.
- It was never about Rishi.
He was just
some stupid safety net.
The truth is,
I'm scared, Surina.
I always thought I had it
all figured out.
And now I have no clue.
Like when am I going to
brush my teeth tonight?
The thought of not knowing
horrifies me.
I don't have the courage
to do what you do.
You didn't deserve
what I said to you.
Can you forgive me?
Can you forgive Queen Kush?
- Oh no,
I'm finishing this time.
Ah, so good.
Get me a waffle.
- I love you.
- Oh, I love you, Mel.
Wait, how did you know
I'd be here?
- There's nothing better than
hot chai after a long-ass day.
- You guys are okay.
- Seven blocks we ran.
I did not buy new lungs
to use them like this.
- We got the diamond too.
- Finally.
- Mel, I want to tell you
something.
- Not now, Sunjay.
Everyone's having a moment.
- Shut it, Surina!
Melanie, I've been by your side
for God knows how long,
through thick and thin.
You mean everything to me.
I know that there's something
there between us
and I think you do too.
- We're actually all
just going to Kavita's.
Can we talk about this later?
- Of course.
Yeah, totally.
Not a problem.
- Wait, for real?
- It's the weekend social
banger extravaganza,
isn't it?
- Damn sure is.
- Percy,
I have your silly diamond.
And if you think
I'm gonna give it back,
you're out of your mind.
It's stood between us
for long enough.
Your whore diamond's
driving northbound.
Go find it yourself.
So, he wants to
kill all of us now.
- What did you do, Sheila?
- We're going to die.
- Why does this keep happening?
- You lot are a bunch of
bloody idiots, aren't ya?
- Just take it easy you.
Sorry, I just...
Your eyes.
I always get lost in your eyes.
- All right, Percy has a very
special surprise for you,
so, get in the car.
- There's no way in hell
we're all gonna fit in that.
- You'll fit.
It seats five.
Comfortably.
- I bet it gets
great gas mileage.
- Great for the environment.
- Can you call
a private car for me?
- Everyone shut up
and just move!
- I can't get in.
There's all these books.
- All right.
Get out of the way.
Out of the way.
- You're taking the LSAT?
- What do you think I just woke
up one day and was like,
ah, I'm gonna be a hitman?
- Oh, a lawyer.
I didn't think I could
get any more turned on.
- Wow, look,
you think this life is easy?
'Cause the hours are shit.
I get zero time off.
I don't see the girlfriend.
I don't have a 401k.
- You need the 401k.
- Exactly.
I need the 401k.
Do you know how many times
I've had to wash blood
out of these hands?
There is no moisturizer on earth
that is prepared for that.
They all want you
to be a hitman,
but maybe I'm just a hitboy.
- Go.
Get out of here.
- Did he say girlfriend?
- Surina, come.
- Now I see, maybe throwing
a $12 million diamond
in the back of a pickup truck
was a bit of an overreaction.
You should appreciate how much
I restrained myself.
That Percy is a two-faced fake.
- Hold up.
What did you just say?
- Oh, Surina,
I say a lot of things.
- What is it?
- Fake.
This is worth $12 million?
It looks like costume jewelry.
Oh my God, how'd I
not see this before?
We gotta get to the L.
- We need waters on four.
I'll give you your waters.
Oh.
Hey.
If you're gonna
put stuff in my mouth,
I'm asking for consent first.
- I can't believe
we're doing this again,
but where is the diamond, Ameet?
- Whatever do you mean?
- Not urinal mist.
This is worse than tomato.
- Don't try me.
- Hey, it's in my pocket.
It's in my front pocket.
Melanie can get it.
- Gross.
- You know, you probably
all got a lot closer
and cemented your friendship
in a way you never saw before.
- Shut up.
- Shut up.
- Sheila, call Percy.
- Ugh, fine.
- [line ringing]
- PERCY: Hello?
- Hey listen, asshole,
we have the diamond.
- And who is this?
- Surina.
Your worst nightmare.
- Maybe a notch down.
- Your second
to worst nightmare.
- Well, it is a pleasure
to meet you, Surina.
- Don't hurt him.
- Oh, you want your friend back?
Well, then just bring
the diamond by midnight
to Kavita's party.
Okay?
- Even Percy got invited?
- You ready to do this?
Your place first?
- Yeah. Definitely.
- Actually, wait.
One more thing.
- Ah, so you've come to
apologize?
- No, I just realized
life's too short
to waste on
an egotistical asshat like you.
I quit.
- FEMALE SINGER: Brushed my
hair, went downstairs
Favorite jeans on my rear,
and I looked in my mirror
And I said who's that there
- Those two are fucking right.
- SINGER: Got an attitude,
I'm gonna have an attitude
I've got an attitude,
so what, I got an attitude
I got an attitude,
so what, I got an attitude
I got an attitude,
attitude, attitude, attitude,
Attitude, attitude, attitude,
attitude, attitude,
Attitude, attitude,
attitude, attitude, attitude,
Attitude, attitude, attitude,
attitude, attitude,
- Holy shit, it's freezing
mother, bitch, cock balls.
- Ah, these earrings
are killing me.
I totally forgot we have
no phones to call for a Lyft.
- I'm not walking to the L
in these heels.
- [horn beeps]
- Kal Penn?
- Kal Penn?
- It's just Kal.
Do y'all need a ride?
- Where'd you get a rickshaw?
- Come on, Santa's got a sleigh.
I have a rickshaw.
But really it's for a role,
very complicated.
- Can you get us to River North?
- Yeah, hop in.
- MALE SINGER:
I feel my pulse quickening
Oh Joy, when you call me
I was giving up,
oh, I was giving in
Joy, set my mind free
I was giving up,
oh, I was giving in
How'd you always know
when I'm down
How'd you always
know when I'm down
How'd you always know
I'm down
- Oh, you're going to Kavita's.
- You've heard about it too?
- Yeah, it's only the
biggest party of the year.
- Do you want to join us?
- No, I'm okay. Thank you.
- Let me guess,
you're prepping for a role?
- No, I just don't wanna go.
- Oh.
- Hey, before you go, can I
impart some words of wisdom?
- Go for it, Kal Penn.
- Oh, it's just...
Never mind.
So, look, when I was younger,
my um, buddy and I uh,
we had this goal, right?
We wanted to get
the best burgers in America.
Ah, we had ups.
We had downs.
We rode a cheetah.
But the best part
of that journey
wasn't those delicious sliders.
It was discovering things
in our friendship
that we just didn't know
were possible.
And that friendship blossomed
warranting two sequels
and a successful franchise.
- Did you just
outline the plot to-
- I think I'd know
the difference between
a movie I was in and real life,
Melanie.
- You literally just called it
a franchise.
- Yeah, 'cause it's the
franchise of my life.
Anyway, it really doesn't matter
what you do.
What matters is
who you do it with.
So uh, smile like
there's no tomorrow.
Dance like no one's watching
'cause life's too short
to miss out on memories.
[clears throat]
- Do you take drugs?
- Always.
- Oh, perfect.
There's Sheila.
-
- This is the party of the year?
I'm embarrassed for her.
Oh, kulfi.
- You really need to find
a better way to greet people.
- No, this works for me.
Move.
Come on, let's go.
- Yay, you're here.
I wish we could've met under
better circumstances, you know?
But here we are.
The diamond.
I was such a fool to ever think
about letting you go.
Daddy's learned his lesson,
okay?
You can do whatever you want
with me.
Not that.
Oh, you're so naughty.
- So um, sorry to interrupt,
but you got your diamond.
Can we have Sunjay?
- Yeah, right.
Uh, Daniel,
kill him.
- No!
- No!
- How did you think
this would end?
- You don't have to do this.
- This is so cute.
Are you gonna jump?
Oh, careful with the dresses.
It's very "Thelma and Louise".
Hated that movie.
- I ruined that dress
I borrowed last month.
I really wanted a jelly donut
and I thought, okay, Surina,
you've gotta eat this carefully.
This is Mel's dress.
But you really can't eat a
jelly donut carefully, can you?
- It's okay.
You're the best thing
to ever happen to me.
- Me too.
I love you.
- Oh my God, don't make this
any harder than it already is.
Shall I count to three?
Yeah, okay.
Uh, one.
- Sheila.
- I brought some ball gags
along.
I figured a little sex party
could spice things up.
They'll break your fall.
- I'm not jumping into that.
No way.
- Are, are they used?
- Gently.
Come on, girls.
Jump.
- I'm taking my chances
on the concrete.
- Mrs. Finney's class.
That was a total dick move,
but I'm with you now.
Trust me.
- Two.
Three.
- No! No!
- I didn't see that coming.
-
- This is all your fault.
- Aaah!
Oh no, the diamond.
Help me find the diamond,
you idiot.
- Percy, it's down the drain.
We've got to get out of here.
Ah, ah, ah, actual bunch of--
- How's this
for a change of pace?
- You always hurt
the ones you love.
No, to the right.
Your right.
- You are making the
biggest mistake of your life.
Do you know who I am?
Do you know who I am?
She-she.
- Pe-Pe.
I didn't know they'd arrest you.
You'll still call, right?
I can't live without your touch.
I'm gonna send you
a really nice care package.
What's the address?
Just like...jail?
- So, are we superheroes now?
Is this our
Avengers assemble moment?
- Some of us more than others.
- Oh shit, Kavita.
- You ruined my party
and Diwali.
I swear to God, I will make it
my absolute mission
to make sure all of your lives
are a living hell.
- Maybe next time
if you just invited us.
- Hey, Surina.
- Oh, if it isn't baby brother.
Call mommy when you're ready.
- Rahul!
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, looks like
someone missed his flight.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Thought you had a flight.
- Some lady named Parveen just
randomly showed up at my door
and cussed me out for an hour
and she made me miss it.
I've been meaning to call you.
I shouldn't have told you
the way that I did.
It was really awful of me.
I know you'll probably
never forgive me
and I guess
that's just something
I'm gonna have to accept.
- You lied
and you cheated on me.
You really broke my heart,
Rishi.
- I'm sorry.
- Look, I know we
started to grow apart.
I wanted so badly
to make it work.
That's why I kept forcing it.
It took me until today
to realize that
we just wanted different things.
We were just too afraid
to admit it to each other.
- Exactly.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
So, what do we do now?
- Well, it's just
kinda anti-climactic, um,
I don't know, do you wanna
throw a drink at me
and call me an asshole
or something?
- Actually, yeah.
Do you mind?
- Go for it.
- Just um, not the eyes though.
- Okay, stand back a bit.
- Is here good?
- Yeah, perfect.
Asshole.
- How was that?
Was that good?
Oh, no.
- Oh my God, you're on fire.
- Was it that good?
Really?
See, I knew
I should've pursued acting,
but you know
how Desi parents are.
Put it out.
Help me.
- Holy shit,
she just torched him.
- Is this part of
the Diwali ritual
because this is very exciting.
- Oh, excuse me,
I'd like to place my order.
- No, Sheila.
It's not that kinda place.
- Do you think we'll ever get
invited to anything ever again?
- Probably not.
I'm a bit more worried
I should add attempted murder
to my resume.
- Oh, and arson.
- You know what?
I can get used to this.
Being on the fringe.
My own person.
- Oh, I swiped something
from Kavita's.
- Not again.
- We can't end the night
without lighting a candle.
Happy Diwali, Mel.
- Happy Diwali, Surina.
- So, about that vaginoplasty.
- Surina, no.
- Come on.
No more flapping.
-
- Fa la la la la la la
- It's another one
from your girl, Lily
This right here's a special one
for all the
brown girls out there.
Beat that boy with a stick,
boy
Light him up like a Bic,
boy
Dang that fool was a cheat,
boy
Now he gonna get de-stroyed
She's a stick girl in
a stick world
She's a stick girl
in a stick world
Take your pick, girl,
it's your boss world
You haven't heard,
she's a stick girl
-