Hot to Trot (1988) Movie Script

Warner bros.
Noun. Plural, horses.
Definition 1.
A male horse,
a stallion or gelding.
Definition 2.
Any large solid-hoofed...
Herb... herbi... herbo...
Aw! Forget it!
Some anthropological-type guys
claim that prehistoric horses
had larynx muscles
in their throats.
Recent findings suggest
that this gene
actually had been passed
down for generations.
Some primitive cultures
believed that the equine
was created in God's image...
noble, mighty, brilliant,
It was only after he finished
perfecting his masterpiece
known as horse
that God turned his attention
to the lesser animal.
Look at this guy. Ha ha ha!
O.K., honey. Come on.
I don't know why
we have to keep hiding
like this.
Honey, your wife's
been dead for two days!
I know.
But the funeral.
The funeral doesn't
start for a good hour.
Oh, son of a bitch!
For God's sake!
Buenos dias, seor.
I'm not here, Carlos.
Very sorry to hear
about your wife.
Right, right.
Not now, for Christ's sake.
First it was your office,
then it was the motel 8.
Why can't you take me
by the ocean?
I can't wait
till we get married.
I don't know if I remember
how to make love
in a bed anymore.
That horse.
What about him?
I don't know.
It's like he knows something.
Louise, come on.
Walter! Walter.
Walter! What?
It's that horse!
What about him,
for Christ's sake?
Can't we use blinders
or something?
All right.
Not me, the horse.
Next week... dog meat.
Hi, Carlos.
Your stepfather no here.
He's in stall 47.
M-m-my mother just died!
Think this is easy for me?
Ha ha ha!
Buy 10,000 shares of cromwell
from Mrs. Bucktad.
But we just sold
10,000 shares to her.
We did?
Oh, right, the commission.
Every time we buy
or sell a stock,
we make a commission.
Just buy the stock.
The old bitch is made of money.
She won't even notice.
Have you seen the moron?
Fred? No.
Tell him I want to see him.
Yes, sir.
Sorry. Oh!
It was my fault.
It doesn't matter.
Are you doing o.K.?
Well, if there's
anything that I can do...
Just let me know.
I'm telling you, Jack,
we never officially
changed ownership
of the damned business!
I just found out
she left her half to him!
Well, wha...
yes, reverend.
God bless you, too, sir.
Oh, Freddy,
this man...
He makes it a little easier.
I'm sorry, Freddy. Sit down.
You know, Fred,
times like these I always felt
people should be close
to those they love.
Yeah, right.
Freddy, what do
you think of me?
I... I... I don't want to be rude,
but, uh, I think you're, like,
the lowest scumbag
on the face of the earth.
Mm-hmm. But do you like me?
Oh, that's not important.
Let me just come
right to the point.
I have a copy
of your mother's will.
You may or may not know this.
We kept half of the brokerage
in her name for tax reasons.
Because her death
was so sudden,
we didn't have time
to change the darn thing.
She's left all her assets...
that's one horse and, uh...
Half the brokerage... to you.
So that means
half the firm is... is mine?
Well, legally, yes.
That's why I think
you're going to be
a very happy young man.
I'm prepared to buy you out
at what I think
is an excellent price.
What if I don't want
to sell it?
Once again, you'd be stupid.
You take this offer.
Trust me on this.
There you go.
That's cash... mostly cash.
Hi, Fred.
Walter asked me to pack
your things for you.
Every dog has his day, Sawyer.
O.K., so where's don?
Straight ahead.
I could probably, like,
sell this thoroughbred
for a lot of cash, right?
Seor chaney,
this is don.
Is he sick?
No. He always looks like that.
He's all yours.
Buenos noches.
That Sawyer, the guy ain't...
He's such a...
Dick. Ha ha ha!
Fred, we've got to talk.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Jesus! Don't scream like that.
Listen, Sawyer!
I know what
you're trying to do,
and it's not going to work!
Fred, come over here.
Come on. Come on.
Now, listen, Fred.
Now, Fred... aah!!
Would you calm down?
Read my lips...
we've got to talk.
There's an old truck
parked out back.
I left the keys...
Uh... Under the visor.
Let's get out of here.
This place smells!
Oh, fresh air!
Now, where was I?
I speak human, giraffe,
worm, toad, whale...
humpback and sperm.
You might say
I'm a four-legged
Dr. Doolittle.
So, don,
do all horses speak English?
What, are you kidding?
Look, all horses can
understand English,
but only the chosen
can speak it.
What about, like, Mr. ed?
Mr. ed!
That's what I think.
Every word was dubbed!
His lips were moving.
A stagehand was shoving
a carrot up his butt!
Mr. Ed. Pffft!
I guess you're curious
about my childhood.
Not particularly.
Well, I was raised
on a small farm.
Oh, I was restless.
Wild, I guess
you could call it...
like James Dean,
except I slept standing up.
My old man and I
never got along.
Finally, I just split.
A few weeks later
I met gideon Cole.
Oh, he was
a great blues singer.
He was a blind man.
You know, for a while,
I had him convinced
I was a short, hairy
Italian boy from the Bronx.
Terrible, I know,
but it's true.
Hey, gideon,
my hoofs are killing me.
What the hell?
God, that gideon!
He had a terrific
sense of rhythm,
but a shitty sense of balance.
He used to stand
on the edge of the boxcar.
One day the train
made a sudden stop,
he went flying off.
I guess he's riding
that great freight train
in the sky...
Or spitting out dirt.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
After that, I met up
with your real father, Dave.
We were two of a kind.
Since my baby left me
I've found a new place
to dwell
down at the end
of lonely street
heartbreak hotel
I get so lonely, baby
I get so lonely
baby, I get so lonely
I could die
aw, we loved the king.
You know, we saw
blue Hawaii 12 times.
When he died, and your
mother married Sawyer,
I stayed in the stable.
I haven't spoken
to anybody in a long time.
I'm glad you came along, Fred.
You're a talking horse.
You could make a fortune.
Sure, you just get up
in front of people
and talk. Ha!
Go public, do the talk shows...
letterman, donahue,
Carson, Geraldo Rivera.
Oprah winfrey!
It's not that easy, Freddy boy.
I wish it was.
The talking world can put
an unbelievable amount
of pressure on an animal,
especially when you're a horse.
For example,
take my brother Lou...
Please. Ha ha ha!
You'll like Lou.
You've got a lot in common.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
My proboscis!
Doctor, this operation
shall go down in history.
Psst, Fred, watch this.
Ha ha ha!
Paging Mr. Horse,
Mr. Lou horse.
Paging Mr. Horse.
I'm Lou.
Jesus, Lou! Are you stupid!
Hello, Lou.
Woo woo woooble woo! Certainly.
Good to see you, too.
Where's mom and pop?
Look who's back.
Pop, this is my friend.
Is it male or female?
I can't tell when
they have clothes on.
It's a guy, pop.
His name is Fred.
We're having' a party!
It's a pleasure
meeting you, sir.
Hey, and this is my mom.
She doesn't talk,
but she understands.
Ma, I can't ask him that!
She wants to know
what it's like
to face somebody during sex.
Well, um...
Since you're here, come in.
Meow meow meow meow
meow meow meow meow...
he never writes,
he never calls,
now he brings home a human!
You know how they are.
He probably wants
something to eat.
Fred, listen to me.
Never have kids.
They'll break
your friggin' heart.
Look what we ended up with...
James Dean
and the fourth stooge.
You know when I think
Lou started to crack?
When he saw the godfather.
You know, that scene...
With the horse's head.
Yeah, that was
his favorite actor.
Well, um, it was
a pleasure meeting you,
but, um...
It's getting kind of late,
and I've got to head
back into town.
Good luck with Lou.
Goodbye, don.
Hey, Fred, wait up.
You think I was hard on him?
What are you going to do
with your half of
the business, Fred?
I guess I'll sell it to Sawyer.
Do you know anything
about the stock market?
Not much.
I used to work
at the brokerage,
but Sawyer kept me
in the mail room.
Said I didn't have
the right image.
It was depressing, so I quit.
You know what would burn
that bozo's butt good?
If you ran
with your half of the business.
I couldn't do that.
I've listened to those brokers.
They don't know anything
you don't know.
It would be fun
to see the look
on Sawyer's face
if I became his partner.
Maybe that's why your
mom left it to you.
Give it a shot.
Good. We'll talk
on the way home.
I'll move in with you.
You can't live with me.
Why not?
'Cause you're a horse.
"'Cause I'm a horse,"
is that what you said?
I knew this would
come up eventually.
You stay here with your family.
Take care of Lou.
Hey, you... you're all bigots!
With your automobiles,
pants, and your postal systems!
I can't hear you.
bye, don!
Fred, Fred!
Hello, Allison. Ow!
Decide to take my offer?
No, I've decided to work.
Vern... Vernie,
can I get back to you?
O.K., pal.
What do you mean, work?
Well, like, you know,
you and me, we're partners.
I'm into this thing
50-50 with you.
That's going to be my office.
Right down the middle
of the conference room,
that'll be the dividing line.
So, if you need me,
just, like, hoot.
You know, hoot!
Freddy, what are you
talking about?
You want me to raise
the buyout offer?
All right, you win.
I'll double the price.
That's fair enough. Deal?
I've got a lot
of important
business stuff to do.
Freddy, you can't be a broker.
Why not?
Who in their right mind
would give you their money?
You'd be quite surprised.
I would be friggin' amazed.
I don't have time now.
If I need you, I'll call.
See you later, partner.
Hello. This is
the chairman of the board
of Sawyer company.
I'd like to order some pizzas.
Get him out of here, Osborne.
I don't care what it takes.
Get him out of here,
and I'll give you...
Da da da da
de de de dede do
da Willy nap jah
hello, baby. Ha ha ha!
The king is back in town.
Ted, where are you going?
Be right back, sweet lips.
Got to make a quick call.
Well, make it fast.
Bob, it's Ted.
I can't find Sawyer.
If we don't tell him
microcorp's making
a takeover bid for ventura
in the next hour,
we'll lose lots of money.
Whoever buys ventura
is going to clean up.
Ted, I'm cold!
O.K. Bye.
Sorry, sweetheart.
Something important came up.
Hmm... Be right back, toots.
Hey, what is this!
Somebody locked the door!
Ha ha ha!
Hey! Somebody unlock this door!
Your daughter...
Hang on.
Hello, um, Fred p. Chaney here.
How can I help you?
Walter, listen carefully.
This isn't Walter.
Shut up, Walter!
We don't have much time.
Microcorp is going
to make a bid for ventura.
Ventura! Buy ventur...
Get in here right away! Please!
We need to buy something
called ventura.
Sorry, my pet.
Now, where were we?
What's he doing?
He just dumped
a big wad into ventura.
Ventura? What's it going for?
Yesterday, it was
a robust 21/2.
Today, Osborne!
Yes, sir.
Wait a minute.
That's the company
Ted was supposed to call
about a takeover bid.
Ugh! 28, sir.
Buy whatever you can get.
It's frozen.
Oh, Mr. Chaney!
Yeah! Yeah!
How did he know that?
Sorry, he's in conference now.
Mr. Chaney's office.
Could you please hold?
Rock 'n' roll loudmouth
chewin' my plaque
chokin' everyone now
right behind my back
do us all a favor,
get yourself a spine
everybody's chokin'
on the police line
chew my boot
spew the line
the owners were hesitant
to rent to a single man
your age.
I assured them
you were dressed very nicely
and your appearance was, uh...
Shall we go in?
Holy shit!
I beg your pardon?
Uh... Wow!
Living room,
dining room, kitchen.
I told them to leave the piano.
I didn't know how you felt,
but I think it lends
a certain je ne sais quoi.
Yeah! Um... Yeah!
I think you'll get
a kick out of this.
What is it, a little yard?
It's an atrium.
Oh, an atrium.
Yeah, I had one of these
in the last place I lived.
Um, umm...
That's really tasteful.
It looks like a...
a disco for ferns.
You must have
a lot of job stress.
I mean, nothing I can't handle.
Well, I'm sure
you'll be very happy here.
Enjoy your new space.
Well, thank you for showing me
my n-new space.
wop bop a loo bop
ba lop bop bom
tutti frutti, oh, rudi
tutti frutti, oh, whooo
tutti frutti, oh, rudi
tutti frutti, oh, rudi
tutti frutti, oh, rudi
wop bop a loo bop
ba lop bop bom
I got a gal named sue
she knows
just what to do, woo
got a gal named sue
she knows just what to do
she knows how to love me,
yes, indeed
hello. Information?
No, I just wanted to call you.
Guess where I'm calling from.
Yes, my car!
That was traffic.
Oh, rudi
tutti frutti, oh, rudi
a wop bop a loo bop
ba lop bop bom
I got a gal named Daisy
she almost drives me crazy
got a gal named Daisy,
she almost
these babies sure have
excellent speakers, huh?
Yes, indeed
boy, you don't know
what she do to me
tutti frutti, oh, rudi
tutti frutti, whooo
tutti frutti, oh, rudi
tutti frutti, oh, rudi
tutti frutti, oh, rudi
a wop bop a loo bop
ba lop bam boom
hey, boy wonder.
Got any hot tips
for a coworker?
Um, no, not today.
Although I was looking
at the numbers
on microdynamics,
and they look quite promising.
Well, um...
They just declared
bankruptcy this morning.
Oh, yeah, that's
what I thought.
I was wondering, like,
if you weren't doing anything
on Friday night,
if you'd go to a movie with me?
Say what? That's my
bowling league night.
What's this?
"New partner makes big waves."
Well, well, Mr. Photogenic.
Fred, it's time
I paid you a visit.
Are you the grim reaper?
No, it's Fred!
Oh, Fred, I'm coughing. Listen.
I need a priest.
I'm getting a vet!
No! No vets!
Fred, before I pass on,
I want to tell you
how happy I am
that you've made it
and you're rich
and that you live
in a big, beautiful,
roomy, palatial...
you better come upstairs
and eat something.
Gee, Fred,
I wouldn't want
to impose on you.
No! I insist.
Come on.
Boy, I really
appreciate this, Fred.
I don't want
to inconvenience you.
I don't want to be a burden.
By the way, can I have cable?
Whoa! Padded elevator!
Fred, you've really made it.
Makes me happy to know
that I've helped.
What do you mean you helped?
You remember, Fred.
That anonymous tip
about the ventura takeover.
That was you?
Walter, buy ventura!
Buy ventura!
I owe all this to a horse?
Well, Fred, I wouldn't want you
to feel obligated or anything,
but, uh... You know.
Come on.
Wow! This place reminds me
of the Vatican.
Shh! Animals aren't
allowed in here.
O.K., Fred.
My lips are sealed.
Mr. Chaney?
Hey! Watch the tail!
Was that a horse?
My friends and myself,
um, we're on our way
to a costume party.
Rather authentic costume.
Well, they're
real sticklers for details.
Right, fellas?
Yes, Fred.
Yo, Fred.
Si, Fred.
Man, that was close!
I'll go get you a beverage.
Yeah. Something diet, please.
Hey, Fred!
Nice digs you got here.
Very tasteful.
This will do just fine.
Only one thing is wrong.
What, outside of a horse
being in here?
It just doesn't look lived in.
It feels like there should be
plastic covers on the chairs
or something.
I like it just the way it is.
O.K., Fred. You're the boss.
Yeah. I am the boss!
There's going
to be a few rules.
Stay away from the windows
and the doors!
If that jerk sees you,
boom! We're out of here!
Two... these rugs, you know,
they're brand-new.
No problem! No problem at all!
I just hope you read
a lot of newspapers.
Yeah, I almost got married.
I was living with this
hot-blooded Arabian.
You lived with
somebody? No way!
Oh, I loved it, and I hated it.
What did you love about it?
Everything. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
What did you hate?
Everything else.
So I wake up, I'm butt-naked!
Everybody's looking at me.
That was the last time
I ever drank Tequila!
Ha ha ha! I hear you!
No explosives! We can't risk
closing off the nest.
Can we use gas?
No. It might poison
the whole city!
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Classic! Classic!
Fred, are you asleep?
Thanks for everything, Fred.
You're my kind of people.
I like you, too, don.
Good night, Fred.
Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm
interests rates aren't going to
go up any higher,
so I'm staying out
of the bond market.
What do you think?
You really want
to know what I think?
I think you better
get a bigger scooper.
Hey, wait a second.
Here's a good spot.
Mr. Chaney, please!
It's just a horse!
Yes, I know
it's a horse! But why?
Um, it's only
for a couple days!
He's like a family member.
Which side?
Please, Mr. Chaney!
Da da da
excuse me.
Excuse me.
Thank you very much.
Oh, that's very good.
Oh, sorry.
Very good. Very good.
Huh! I don't want
to go to school.
Hello. Fred p. Chaney.
Can I help you?
Sorry to bother you,
but business week called.
They wanted to talk to you.
They wanted to talk to me?
Yeah. They were offering
16 weeks for 12.98.
That's 25 cents off
the newsstand price,
so I grabbed it.
You called to tell me that?
No. I called because
we're invited
to a party on
the seventh floor.
When are you coming home?
I'm bored.
When I'm done with work.
Bye, don.
3rd floor... 4th floor...
5th floor...
6th floor... 7th floor...
Single man!
Just the man I was looking for.
For what?
For what? Oh, you're so funny!
Ha ha ha!
I'm so glad you're here.
I've seen you in the building.
Have some dip.
Do you like anchovies?
I love the eighties!
A woman can walk
a man home, too.
Won't you invite me in?
Will you hate me
in the morning?
No. I hate you right now!
May I come in?
Good night.
Thank you.
This is nice.
Look what you've done
with this place.
What a neat statue!
This is beautiful!
And so lifelike!
Yeah. It's like that
even after I go swimming.
What did you say?
I said, even after
I go swimming,
Was it something I said?
You pig!
Say what?
Thank you.
You saved me tonight.
Come on, pal.
She wasn't so bad.
Yes, she was bad!
She reminds me of
Catherine the great.
Fred, I got a hot tip for you.
Uh, coffee.
Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm!
Trust me.
What's he buying now?
Coffee hasn't done shit
in 3 years.
How could he know about coffee?
The white zone is
for Fred p. Chaney only.
Where does he get
his information?
He couldn't possibly
find out himself.
Maybe you're
underestimating him.
You're a clever girl, Allison.
Why don't you find out?
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Allison wants
to go out with you?
Yeah. Can you blame her?
Who's picking up the check?
Would you please
get over there?
She'll be up here any minute.
Look at my teeth.
I hate my teeth.
They're kind of bucked.
Your teeth look fine,
but you should use a waterpic.
Hey, Fred, look.
Oo ho ho ho ho! Yeah!
I'm Elvis.
Get over there, will you?
I don't understand
why you asked her up here.
I want her to see the place.
Yeah, you got this place
for her benefit.
What do you mean?
You're living here
to impress people like her.
I like living here!
You make me sick
the way you're
laying it on for her.
You shouldn't have to act
like George Hamilton III.
People should like you
just the way you are.
Thank you, Elvis.
And another thing...
What's the deal
with the ponytail?
It's like you're doing
an impression of me.
How about picking up
your dirty underwear?
And the toilet seat!
Why can't you remember
to put it down?
Two of us live here now!
Hi, Fred.
Mind if I come in?
Yeah! I... I mean no.
Please, come in.
Yeah, I mean no.
Oh, please come in.
That's an... that's an atrium.
Pretty, huh?
Kind of one of
the selling points
of the place.
It's... it's great!
So, you like it?
Yeah. It's great. It's just...
you don't think it's too much?
Uh, I would love
to see the kitchen.
Uh, you know, jeez!
Look what time it is!
We should head
to the restaurant.
Woof! Woof!
You have a dog?
Y-yeah, yeah, um...
I got to go powder my nose!
I'll be right back,
o.K.? Please?
I'll be out in a moment!
What are you doing?
She's not buying the dog bit?
Woof! Woof!
I'll be out in a minute!
There's a horse in here!
Uh, where?
You know, if it's not
cockroaches, it's palominos.
Fred, you're living
with a horse.
Like, who doesn't?
Woof! Woof! Woof!
Woof! Ha ha ha ha!
I'm sure he makes a great pet,
but why don't you
keep him in a stable?
Uh, I like having him around.
He's kind of like
my good luck charm.
everybody at work
is trying to figure out
where you're getting
these big stock tips from.
The horse?
Yeah. He's, um...
He's a genius.
My lingwenis
is very, very good!
It's Linguini.
Tastes a lot like spaghetti.
The horse talks just like us.
I believe you.
I used to have
an invisible friend.
No, I'm serious. You'll see.
Talk, goddamn it!
Please, don, say something.
Honestly, he really does talk.
Normally, I can't shut him up.
Hi, Allison.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Fred is always
talking about you.
Thanks for dinner, Fred.
I had a good time.
It was strange,
but I had a good time.
Could we do it again sometime?
Ha ha ha! Woof! Woof!
Did you hear that?
Gee, whoa!
How was your date,
Romeo? Get any?
It was just fine!
Do you mind? This is
my favorite movie.
I don't recall you being in it.
I can't believe
I told her you talked.
She probably thinks I'm insane.
I don't like her. She's phony.
She's got a terrible nose job.
That's her original nose.
You should see
yourself with her.
You're pathetic.
Do you know what you are?
You're jealous.
What? Ha! Don't make me laugh!
You're jealous!
I've never been
jealous in my life!
Come on, Fred, let's not fight.
Let's drive to the country.
Night, don!
I wonder what mom's
cooking for dinner.
That's pop. Something's wrong!
I'll be right back.
Don, it's about time
you got here.
I'm dying, son.
Don't talk like that, pop.
A horse knows
when his time is near.
There are signs.
Your tongue darkens,
your eyes water,
your mind goes.
Your tongue darkens.
Your balls shrink.
Easy, pop. Easy.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I had an Uncle named Lou.
Son, before I die...
You've got to promise me
that you'll pass on
your special gift...
Of speech...
To an heir.
Why me, pop? What about Lou?
Yesterday, your mother
caught Lou
trying to mount
a Volvo station wagon.
You're our only hope.
You don't understand.
I'm a loner, a rebel.
You're a bum!
Don, you're the last
of the chosen.
We need an heir.
Son, quit screwing around.
It's time you met
the right girl,
settle down, become a father.
Oh, promise me, boy.
O.K., pop, o.K.
I promise.
I promise.
Well, there he is, boys,
top money-winning 4-year-old
on the west coast.
Next month
he's in the El Segundo stakes.
He'll beat any plug
they put up.
Is this place ripe, or what?
There's your partner's
newest thoroughbred.
Wait here.
I got to go pay for your feed.
Must have cost a lot.
He did indeed, but
he'll make it back...
first with his legs of course,
and then with his...
She's wonderful. I love her.
Are you happy, honey?
Then I'm happy.
That's my satin doll.
She's escorting the lord
at the stakes.
Satin doll's a dressage horse
I bought for Victoria.
Be still, my beating heart.
Je t'aime.
What a perfect form!
Ooh! What legs!
What a tail!
Ooo! What a saddle!
Check out the mane
on that tomato!
Ya! Na-na-na-na-nan!
Take it nice and easy.
Just be cool.
Whatever you do,
don't show her your teeth.
I hope you don't think
I'm coming on
too strong for you,
but what can I say?
That's the kind of guy I am.
Walter, what's that horse doing
with my satin doll?
Freddy, get away from my
horse, for God's sake!
Sorry. Come on,
let's get outta here.
Maybe I'll see you later, huh?
She was staring at my teeth!
Hello, is this the samurai
florist shop?
Good. I'd like to order flowers
for a miss satin doll
at the claremont Ridge
riding club.
A lovely arrangement.
You wouldn't happen
to have barley, would you?
How about some clover?
Petunias? I don't know.
I never tried any.
Roses are out of the question.
They'll get stuck in her teeth!
Oh, jeez!
Fred, I've fallen in love.
What am I going to do?
Be yourself.
If it's supposed
to be, it'll be.
Did you read that
on a bumper sticker?
Work. Hey, where you going?
Aw, don't go. Call in sick.
I don't want to be alone.
We can play charades!
Sorry, don.
I've got to go to work.
Nuts! I was doing fine
until she saw my teeth.
Delivery for a Mr. Don.
Delivery for Mr. Don.
Who? No don here.
It says a Mr. Don
at this address,
and this is as far
as I go, ma'am.
Thank you.
Is anybody out there?
I'm going to jump!
Fred, is that you?
Thank God you're home.
Just a second.
Just a second.
Hold onto your horses.
Ha ha ha. Huh?
Hello, um, Denise?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
What did the index finish on?
Ha ha! The guy
looks like Willie Nelson.
That's hysterical!
Oh, for crying out loud.
You can't come in here.
This isn't Noah's ark.
Hmm? What? No ducks!
That is in the lease!
No! No! No!
Oh, jeez, o.K.
But remember, this isn't
technically my apartment.
I share it with a human.
kick it
come on, I told you,
there's no bones in there!
Time for school
and you don't want to go
You ask your mama, please
but she still says no
you missed two classes
and no homework
but your teacher...
I don't think Fred's
going to like this much.
You've got to fight
for your right
to party
thank you!
Your pop caught
you smoking, man
he says, no way
that hypocrite
smokes two packs a day
man, livin' at home,
it's such a drag
yeah, your mama threw away
your best porno mag
What are you doing here?
This is an unbelievable
They were looking for
another horse named don.
Get out!
You've got to fight
for your right
to party
I can't believe you, don!
Look at this place!
How many times
do I have to say I'm sorry?
Hello. Information?
I'd like the number
for the Los Angeles
animal pound.
Mm-hmm. Hmm.
I have never tasted
anything like this.
You're eating?
I'm calling the pound for you!
Mmm! I can't help it.
Mmm! These oats are...
Must be something new.
Where did you get them?
I picked them up
on the way home!
If I had any money,
this is what I'd invest in.
Every animal
is going to go crazy
over this stuff.
This is better
than Chinese food.
This won't leave
you hungry, either.
Sorry, I have the wrong number!
Fred, grab a bowl and dig in
before it's all gone.
I'm telling you... indio oats!
You won't regret it.
Yeah, indio oats.
Little company
out of Bakersfield.
Uh-huh. It's going to be
bigger than... G.E.!
You want to go to lunch?
Can't, babe.
I got a big deal
cooking on the burner.
Uh-huh. No. Forget g.E.!
It's a fad!
I want indio oats!
Uh-huh. Buy indio oats!
Indio oats!
Buy it! Hot! Whoo!
What is it, Osborne?
He's selling everything
and buying into indio oats.
What the hell is that?
I'm going to be
in the little broker's room.
Hello, Mr. Chaney's office.
Holy shit.
Maybe we should buy
some of this crap.
Can't. Fred's
cornered the market.
Maybe we can get it
someplace else.
Yeah. Hello?
Frank? Boyd Osborne here.
Hey, Boyd-o babe!
There's a new company
on the exchange
called indio oats.
Oh, hey, you're
not buying it, are you?
I just got inside information
that the f.D.A. Is going
to freeze all sales...
And launch a full
You're kidding?
Animals are dropping
like bricks
after eating the stuff.
What a shame!
Yeah. Avoid that shit
like the plague.
Thanks, Frank.
Owe you one.
Sigma chi. Sigma chi.
Hubba, hubba, hubba!
Indio oats, indeed!
Testing. Is this on?
Ladies and gentlemen
of wall street,
it is both an honor
and a privilege
to receive the award
of stockbroker of the year.
I'd like to thank
each one of you,
but I don't have enough time,
so thank you. Ow!
I jammed his phone.
This is locked.
He'll never get out in time.
That's occupied, pomeroy.
Why don't you
just use this one?
This one, sir?
A wop bop a loo bop
a lam bam boom
Mr. Chaney, you have
an emergency call on 21.
Mr. Chaney, you have
an emergency call on 21.
Oats contaminated.
Took time to hit me.
What are you talking about?
Those indio oats.
They're poison! Oh!
If I hadn't taken
6 pounds of maalox,
I'd be pushing up petunias
in poughkeepsie, permanently.
That means indio oats...
They're worth squat.
This horrible face
on the wall isn't helping.
This number is not working
in this area code.
Don! Hello!
Hello! Let me out of here!
Let me out!
Let me out!
Our father who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy... ohh!
Live by the sword,
die by the sword.
Let's give him, oh,
say, half an hour.
That should be
the end of indio oats.
Ha ha ha!
Could I show you
the murcheson figures?
Help! Help!
Get away from me, you diseased,
winged, rotten bird!
Look at Freddy's oats.
How low can you go, indio oats?
Open the window!
Help! Help!
Open the goddamn window!
Hi, Mr. Chaney.
What are you doing out there?
Open the window!
Come back in here.
You could hurt yourself.
I brought you
a tuna fish sandwich.
Which do you want...
rye or whole wheat?
Open the goddamn window!
Open the window!
Rye or whole wheat?
Rye! Rye! Open up the window!
Really, Mr. Chaney!
Open the window!
Little financial trouble?
Maybe we should talk. Soon.
Come on, Fred.
You haven't lost everything.
Hey, you still got me.
Stay on your side of the road!
We could hit the road together,
like those guys, the, uh...
Swengi brothers.
I need some time
alone, understand?
Ha ha ha! Sure. Sure.
No problem.
Fred, what do
you think you'll need?
A couple minutes?
Good luck, Fred!
You'll always be
my best friend!
Well, maybe not
my absolute very best friend,
but certainly in the top 10.
My 10th best friend.
15 would be the floor.
Big promotion.
New office,
expense account, perks.
I found out the geek
was sinking his money
into this rinky-dink outfit
that was about to go under.
Ha ha ha!
Me and Sawyer
didn't tell him about it.
We locked him in the bathroom
while his stock was crashing!
Yeah, well, that's business.
You little bastard.
Oh, Allison, what do you care?
Well, here's to Freddy.
Good riddance.
Good riddance.
Son of a bitch. You set him up.
Set who up?
You and this ass-kissing idiot.
What's she talking about?
I'm talking about Fred,
about the way you
sold him down the river.
Business is
a tough world, Allison.
He's right.
You don't know how tough yet.
I quit.
Bad day at the office, dear?
The pits.
I can't believe
I'm talking to a horse.
There's nobody else here.
I feel terrible about Fred.
Well, you should.
Well, I'm sorry.
Listen up, curly.
Fred's a nice guy,
and he likes you a lot.
What are we going to do?
Help him restore
his self-confidence.
How? He didn't
have much before.
If we hypothetically
enter a horse
in the El Segundo stakes
and that horse wins,
then Fred will get a
shitload load of money,
and Sawyer will not
get a shitload of money.
You see? Fred would
get the shitload!
That's a great idea, don.
But where do we
find a thoroughbred?
Ahem. Here's
the beauty of my plan.
You are looking at him.
Something funny?
If I can pull this off,
you both get rich.
I get satin doll.
You get a piece, I get a piece.
Whoa! Mm-mm! Happy ending!
Don, I know you've
got four legs, but...
hey, I'll worry
about the winning.
You worry about the driving.
And would you turn off
this east Indian music?
Don, you can't win a race!
Why not? Give me one reason.
Well, look at you.
Give me another. Ah, forget it.
I know I can't outrun
those other horses.
That's the way a horse race
is normally won.
No, no, no! Freddy, listen.
Horses have hang-ups,
just like people.
Maybe I can psych them out.
Some are sensitive
about their mothers.
Some have envy of... ahem...
you know what.
Others have no self-esteem,
just like someone else we know.
Yeah, real funny.
It's very simple, Fred.
We'll invade their psyches,
analyze their subconscious,
we'll use Freud and jung,
and we stick it to them
where the moon don't shine!
Do you want a hamburger?
No. Do you want
a people burger?
Have you talked to Mickey
about this?
I like it if they know this,
if they've got it
at least a week ahead.
Wait a minute.
Didn't I see that nag
on the front end
of a milk truck...
was it last Thursday?
Last Friday.
Freddy, heard a stupid rumor
you're entering a horse
in the stakes.
It's not a rumor.
This the plug?
Yeah, this is the horse.
You're kidding?
What's his name?
Don. Just don.
Sounds like a plumber.
He doesn't need
any pretentious names.
His breeding, it's in his legs.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
I don't think you have
a snowball's chance in hell
of finishing on
that piece of shit.
Lick my nose.
We'll win this race.
Want to make a little bet?
I got nothing to bet.
You can bet this turd.
I couldn't bet my tu... horse.
Chickenshit, huh?
O.K., I'll bet this horse
against what?
What do you have to bet?
Well, let's see, um...
Can you break a 20?
I'll bet my horse
against your horse.
Hey, now, that's ridiculous.
Who... who are you
calling chickenshit?
You're a chickenshit
O.K., Freddy,
I'll make the bet.
My horse against your horse.
All my horses
against your horse!
Sweetheart, you can't do that.
You think I'm chickenshit?
That's a bet.
Including satin doll.
Including satin doll.
No! Not my satin doll!
don't be a chickenshit.
You're on, Freddy.
Is he getting more obnoxious?
Me and my big mouth.
What a revolting development
this turned out to be.
Ah cha-cha-cha!
Let me tell you
something, mister.
I been riding horses
all my life.
I'm the man to ride
this damn horse.
Why do you say that, Mr. um...
Mr. Snake.
One shot of this, he can
win Indianapolis 500.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Great, Fred. He's perfect.
Let me do the rest
of the interviews,
all right?
What makes you
the man to ride me...
I mean, to ride don.
Ha ha ha!
'Cause I know how
to handle these animals.
Well, what do you mean, Mike?
You got to be...
Tough on 'em.
You got to let 'em
know who's...
Some people think horses
are wonderful animals.
Let me tell you...
They're the dumbest shits.
God ever put on the face
of this earth!
Hey, watch what
you're saying, butthead.
What did you call me?
I called you
a butthead, butthead.
What are you
going to do, butthead?
Come on, wimp,
take a swing. I dare you.
You got a really big mouth!
Are you trying
to get me killed?
Who's next, Fred?
That's it. No one's next.
That was the last
available jockey.
What?! What are we
going to do now?
I'll think of something.
Oh, no. What am I going to do?
I'll never win this thing.
God help me.
Quit sniveling.
Everything will be fine.
Well, that's easy for...
is that you, lord?
No, you stupid
son of a bitch. It's me.
Dad, is that you?
Of course it's me.
So much for the glamour
of reincarnation.
Dad, you're a horsefly.
Oh, I'm a horsefly!
Oh, I didn't notice!
That would explain
the little wings,
why I've been buzzing around
piles of manure all day,
and leaving
little fly droppings
wherever I go.
Thank you for solving
that mystery, Sherlock.
Pop, I'm glad to see you.
I got a real problem.
I don't stand a chance
of beating those horses.
Why not?
They're all
professional athletes.
I've always been more
of a couch potato.
You can do it.
You're a horse,
just like they are.
You all have hoofs.
You all have legs.
Oh, sure, but their legs work!
Son, you have something
they don't have...
a big mouth.
You can win this race!
You really think so?
You're absolutely right.
I can win this race.
Now, who's going
to run this race?
I am!
Who's going to win it?
I am!
That's the spirit!
No offense, but what's it
like being a horsefly?
It sucks.
We're just a short time
away from the start
of the 75th El Segundo stakes.
Lord Kensington
is the 4-year-old champion,
a favorite to win today's race.
In the next stall,
the long shot, number 8.
This is don...
Bill, is that right?
Just... Don?
Give me a break.
Just forget about him, o.K.?
Yeah, right.
It's normal to be nervous.
Who's nervous?
Breathe deeply.
In through the nose...
Out through the mouth.
In through the nose...
He's got to be cheating.
Jack, you better use
that whole can.
What's this, some kind of joke?
Riders up!
When you break
through the gate,
just try and stick to the rail.
O.K., um... Stick to the rail.
You riding that yourself?
That's right.
That figures.
This ought to be good.
Well, old boy,
by this time tomorrow,
you ought to be dog meat.
Ha ha ha!
You look good, Fred.
Wait a minute!
This horse and me,
we're going out there,
and we're going
to beat the odds.
'Cause I'm going
to get you back
for everything you ever did
to me and my family.
Let me tell you something about
the little guy.
You can only push him around
until you back him
in the corner.
Like the mighty Wolverine
who gnaws his leg off
if caught in a trap,
I'm going to start
gnawing my leg off.
My name is no longer Fred p...
What is my name?
My name is.
Fred p. Wolverine chaney,
because justice is finally
going to be done.
The little guy
is finally going
to whip your ass.
The track's the other way.
I got it.
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,
this is your track announcer.
If he wins this race,
I'll syndicate him
for millions.
...the 75th running
of the El Segundo stakes.
Number 1 is heavy rains,
from the long meadow farms,
and ridden by
ernestine esposito.
Number 2 is curiously,
ridden by Dennis riday.
Let him take an early lead
before you make your move.
Early lead? Make my move?
We'll be lucky
if we don't get lost.
Good luck, you guys.
Lord Kensington,
from the Sawyer stable,
There he is!
God, he's beautiful.
Honey, Jesus!
...ridden by Shelly boyle.
Number 8,
out of pepperidge farm,
and ridden by Fred p. Chaney,
is... Don?
Don? Don?
The horses are at the post.
There you go. Whoa!
Whoa, boy. Ho, boy.
Lord Kensington
is delaying the start.
Come on, where's your big plan?
I'm thinking. Get off my back.
You know what I mean.
Number 7! Number 7, over here!
Look into my eyes.
You look very tired to me,
very sleepy...
At the sound of the bell,
you'll turn into a mushroom.
You are drifting
into a deep, deep sleep.
Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.
The horses are in the gate.
Here we go.
The flag is up...
There they go!
Heavy rains breaks on top,
followed by curiously,
never too early,
and lord Kensington,
and trailing
by four horses... Don.
Hey, look! I'm running!
Aah! Pfft!
How are we doing?
Are you blind?
We're losing, come on!
I got an idea.
How about we trade places
and I ride you?
Hey, Pablo's pride, wait up!
Pablo's pride,
the immigration
people are here.
They're waiting
at the finish line.
They're checking green cards.
Yeah. immigracion!
Greena carda!
Ha ha ha! Greena carda!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha!
Pablo's pride has slowed.
Now he's turning around.
Pfft! Whoa!
I'm warning you, Fred,
stop kicking me!
Hey, fellas, wait up!
Wait up, will you?
Move over.
Oh, boy!
What a beautiful day
for a race, huh?
Whoo! I'm telling you,
you guys are doing
terrific out here.
Did you hear the news?
The acme mucilage people
are in the stands.
They're buying up
all the winners.
Mucilage. You know, glue.
This is easier than I thought.
Don't get cocky!
Hey, Lindbergh,
quit flapping your wings
or we're going to take off.
Come on, don!
Come on!
Around the clubhouse turn,
lord Kensington is coming up
fast on the inside.
He's making his move.
...heavy rains,
he's taken the lead.
And narrowing the gap
is... Don.
I think I just ate some poop!
Whip his ass, Mickey.
I think I can, I think I can,
I think I can.
I thought I could,
I thought I could,
I thought I could.
I thought I could.
I haven't run a mile
since high school. Ohh!
I'm dying here.
Yeah, me, too.
Hey, get that piece
of shit out of my way.
What did you say?
You heard me... get that
piece of shit out of my way.
That's not polite or even
being a good sport.
When you say that
I just wanna...
Rip your goddamn arm off
and feed it
to that stupid horse!
Now, get outta my way!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
That's tell him, Fred!
Curiously is veering
to the outside.
He's pulling off!
Hey, heavy rains!
Wait up! Here's
a good one for you.
What do you get when you got
12 donkeys on your front lawn?
Fertilizer. Ha ha ha ha!
Heavy rains is pulling up.
But wait a minute.
Here comes Pablo's pride
in the wrong direction!
Come on, you pygmy
son of a bitch.
He's going to do it!
Of course. He's a champion.
Fred, I... I can't make it.
Talk to me like that
old guy in rocky.
Do it for the American
way of life.
You can do better than that.
O.K. Do this
for your mom and dad.
Yeah, right.
For my mom and dad.
I told you!
I don't believe it!
Turning for home
is lord Kensington,
but making up ground
rapidly is don!
Don? Don?
What's this?
Into the home stretch,
it's lord Kensington.
But here comes don!
Woo woo woo woo!
Do it for hot dogs!
Do it for Mary Tyler Moore!
This sentimental stuff
just ain't working for me.
Do it for satin doll!
Yeah! Yeah, right!
Keep talking!
You win this thing,
I'll have your teeth capped.
Cosmetically bonded?
Like a TV anchorperson?
Yeah! The whole 9 yards!
Now, come on! Go!
Yee hah!
Yes! Yes!
Come on, baby, go.
What do you get when you have
20 donkeys on your lawn?
He's going to do it!
Come on!
Move it, lord!
Where do you think you're going
with that refugee
from a glue factory?
Get that piece
of road kill out of my way!
Hey, Kensington,
you can't win this race.
And you know why?
Come on!
Come on, baby.
Huh? Do you know why?
You stupid animal!
Do you know why?
Come on, mama!
I'll tell you why.
Because, uh...
Because, uh... Because, uh...
Do it! Come on!
Because of the wonderful
things I've done
da doodley doodley doo
woo woo woo woo woo!
Huh? Huh?
Why, mother, I'm cured.
Knyuk knyuk.
Yes! I told you!
Ladies and gentlemen,
please hold all tickets.
We have a photo finish.
Let's get to
the winner's circle.
We don't know if we won.
This is great!
What's this?
Those are the horse's
front teeth.
What? Give me that.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention?
The result of the 7th race
of the El Segundo stakes
has been declared official.
The winner, by an incisor,
is don!
We won! We won!
You lost the race!
You lost our horses!
You lost my satin doll!
Shut up! Let me think!
I bet a hundred bucks on don.
I just won 20 grand.
Congratulations, Osborne.
You're fired.
Fred, over here!
Smile, please.
How does it feel to win?
Couple more, Fred.
Freddy, boy!
Fred, son!
You did it! Congratulations!
You're not going to hold me
to that silly bet
now, are you, pal?
Partner? Son?
I think I am...
Happy trails, Walter.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ohh! What awful breath!
Must be the second worst
smelling breath
I've ever had in this office.
Oh, that's good.
I have horse saliva
all over my hands.
Just keep the tongue
still for a second.
What do you
think of this, Mr. Horse?
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Hey, thanks, doc!
Now I'm perfect! Ha ha!
O.K. No problem at all.
If there's any irritation,
rinse with salt water
and put on a compress.
I don't thi...
bee a ba Dee a ba Dee
that's all folks!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Warner bros.