Hotel Splendide (2000) Movie Script
[MUSIC PLAYING]
NARRATOR: The Hotel Splendide
is a unique and marvelous place.
It's an ideal spot to
rest or convalesce,
with full hydro spa facilities,
no shortage of fresh fish,
and a friendly
family atmosphere,
which hasn't changed since
Mrs. Blanche died last year.
I've learned many things during
my stay at the Splendide.
I've learned to
always chew my food,
and that every cloud has
a lining of some sort.
Maybe it's being so remote from
the outside world that allows
me to see things this clearly.
Desmond says that the great
thing about family run hotels
is continuity.
After his mother died,
Desmond took over as manager.
And he's made no changes
that I can detect,
so he must be right about that.
FEMALE VOICE: Taking small bites
and producing plenty of saliva
to aid digestion.
Chewing, chewing,
chewing, chewing,
until the food is reduced
to an even, watery puree.
NARRATOR: Mrs. Blance recorded
her theories on healthy eating
just before she passed on.
I can't help wishing she'd died
just that little bit sooner,
and not had time to make
the record before she went.
Desmond's brother,
Ronald, is cook,
and has created a
distinctive cuisine
based on seaweed and eels.
Their sister, Cora, runs
the hydro treatments.
And Morton Blanche retired
the day his wife died,
finally surrendering to
chronic constipation.
Continuity, or change.
I think sometimes change
begins with a fellow there.
A sound you've heard 100
times seems different,
and in a moment, the
world's turned upside down.
Stanley!
MALE VOICE: Of the
family [INAUDIBLE],
and originating in Egypt.
What was that?
MALE VOICE: I'll
have to hurry you.
How come the... how come
the... how come the...
MALE VOICE: The common cucumber.
NARRATOR: There's a time
and a place for everything,
Desmond says.
That's the beauty of routine.
All as it should be?
Yes, Desmond.
Oh my god.
Yes.
At last.
Oh, at last!
Oh!
NARRATOR: I can't remember the
last time a guest arrived here.
In fact, I think it was me.
But I'm certain
of one thing... no
one who left has ever returned.
Why would they?
Mr. Blanche.
Yes, thank you.
So she's dead?
Yes.
Her heart.
Last year.
Let's talk in my office.
Shit.
You know, I think I've got
just the thing for that.
Now, it might sting a
little, but it works.
What happened to all the guests?
We still have them.
Just less of the riffraff.
Well, I'll need a room.
Well, I'm afraid that's
out of the question.
Well, we'll see what your
brother has to say about that.
Best to leave him be.
That's what you think.
Still using the slash
and spread method, I see.
Remind them, Mummy.
FEMALE VOICE: Desire,
like appetite,
is a disease to be tamed.
All corruption, both
physical and moral,
emanates from the mouth.
What the hell is she doing here?
Quite.
She can't stay, Desmond.
I want her out of here!
Absolutely.
However, month till
the next ferry.
That's her problem.
Get rid of her, now.
Of course, Ronald.
But there is the
matter of decorum.
I mean, have you thought
about what the guests
are going to make of this?
Sod the guests!
And sod you!
[CLATTERING]
Look at you.
Don't give me that look.
You hurt him terribly.
What, so he invites me back
here and gets his revenge?
What are you talking about?
The note.
That the queen of
the harpies was dead.
But why would he send you this?
It doesn't make sense.
Well, Cora, um... we were close.
Maybe that's why he never
forgave you for running away?
It was monstrous of her
to return, we all agree,
but he's turned it into
a public spectacle.
An embarrassment to the hotel.
Ronnie's had a bit
of a shock, but we
can help him to come around
if we all stick together.
Daddy, this is improper.
He cannot be
allowed to interfere
in management decisions.
Marvelous stew.
Chicken, was it?
That's right.
Long, black, slippery
sea chickens.
And what did you get?
A drumstick?
We're trying to find
a solution, Ronnie.
She thought you
invited her back.
Right.
Well, she can stay
until the ferry,
but she doesn't
move from her room.
Well, uh... I wouldn't be the
first guest to welcome you,
then?
Stanley.
Stanley Smith.
Kath.
So why are you here?
For the hydrotherapy?
Hydrotherapy?
No, no, no, no.
No.
I'm excused.
Morton says you
used to work here.
Is that right?
Did you work here?
Yeah, about 1,000 years ago.
I was sous chef.
Sous chef.
Sous chef, of course.
Of course.
So, why did you
have to leave, then?
Did something happen?
Um... yeah.
It did.
It did.
It did.
Yeah.
Um... there was a... a
difference of opinion with,
um... the management.
With Ronald?
Is that why you're so angry?
No.
Not with him.
Never with him.
Be careful here.
You know, the spray... spray
could come in at any time.
Be careful.
I'm to take you to your room.
[SIGH]
Hi, Sergei.
Hello.
Welcome back.
NARRATOR: The
first day of winter
is now very special
at the Splendide,
as it marks the ceremony of
the heating being fired up.
I think it's an omen
of a sort, that Cath
arrived on this very day.
Though I'm not sure
it was a good one.
In memory of our beloved
Mummy, on the first anniversary
of her passing.
[RATTLING]
Mr. Lyme?
[SCREAMING]
It's on.
What are you looking at?
Get your thumb out of your
ass, and them dishes washed.
Oh, but please, wash
that thumb first.
Richard is missing from
the gramophone again.
I don't suppose you've seen it?
When you're done,
take this to room 106.
Here we go.
[BEEPING]
Oops.
Landed on a disease.
Diverticulitis.
Come on.
It's easy.
Three symptoms.
Diverticulitis...
Um... that's cramps,
constipation, rectal bleeding.
Wrong.
You're dead.
Does... does that
mean I can off to...
What a waste.
Go on.
Oh.
[INAUDIBLE]
[CLATTERING]
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
I don't know!
What I'm doing here.
God, I feel like an idiot.
You didn't send
the note, did you?
No.
You, um... owe me
an explanation.
For leaving.
You could have followed me.
How?
Morton knew where I would be.
Daddy?
Yeah.
We never...
That's not enough.
I mean, you left.
Start talking.
Ronnie.
What good would it do?
We couldn't have
gone on without you.
We didn't even have
a sous chef anymore.
I thought it would
all blow over.
You were both so young, and...
And?
And?
Mummy would have murdered me.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
For once, Mummy was dead right.
Excuse me.
Where is he?
Spit it out!
Perhaps you can
tell me what we're
going to do about luncheon?
She breaks the
rules, simple as that.
Only room for one
cook in my kitchen.
And besides which, I
prefer it out here.
Ronald, come back inside.
We're not going to let
her get the better of us?
Um... luncheon is off.
I'm afraid Ronald is ill.
Nothing life threatening.
So, if you'll just bear with us,
we'll soon be back to normal.
In the meantime,
we will be making
alternative arrangements.
Cora?
Um... this is an
excellent opportunity
for a healthful fast.
Participants should make their
way to the treatment rooms
for complementary purgatives.
Oh, no.
To enhance the process.
NARRATOR: Hunger is sharper
than a serpent's tooth, it is.
And a simple omelette
can be a dangerous thing
in the right hands.
Absurd, isn't he?
His behavior is inexcusable.
He has an excuse.
Goodness' sake.
Now, I have something
to show you.
Oh my god.
What is all this?
Mummy's dream.
She hooked up the
hotel sewage system
to this methane
converter, which provides
unlimited gas for the boiler.
It's a sealed system.
As long as the guests eat and...
You know... there's as much heat
as we'll ever head.
She died a few days
before it was finished.
Never saw it working.
It's too bad.
The first time we fired it
up was for her cremation.
You see, it was
her last request.
The best part of her...
Not the physical part,
but her essence...
Is in the hotel now.
She's joined with it forever.
Right.
That must be a great
comfort to you.
It is.
It really is.
You know, Kath, I had
a hard job convincing
Ronald to let you back in.
I really think he would have
allowed you to die out there.
I put my neck on
the block for you.
I was happy to do it, but it
may have cost us the hotel,
if this situation continues.
And?
And I thought maybe
you might be able to do
me a favor in return?
Kath, would you cook for us?
What?
It's the only way.
For the good of the hotel.
No.
Too hot?
Nonsense.
Well, I'm staying here
until things are resolved
with him, one way or the other.
If I'm in the kitchen, then
he'll have to stop pretending
that I don't exist, won't he?
Can't you see what
he's going through?
You've not been
chewing your fish,
and I've warned you about that.
Cora?
What on earth are you
still doing in this place?
What does that mean?
I mean, my god, it was
hellish enough before,
but this is as bad as it gets.
It's my family home.
There's life out there.
Aren't you even curious?
Yes, of course I am.
But I'm needed here.
The treatments.
Forget the enemas.
This bunch of stiffs need
firecrackers up their asses.
Don't you?
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
He'll never forgive you.
Fish stew is off.
Puttanesca is on.
FEMALE VOICE: The unhealthy
intestine craves stimulation,
and must be trained rigorously.
Boiled food is most
readily digestible.
Boiling has the added advantage
of removing excess flavor
from certain ingredients,
and is thus generally
the preferred methods.
Our... our portions
are unequeal.
Well, she's taken a
dislike to you, obviously.
FEMALE VOICE: Blanching and
poaching is also acceptable,
but ingredients may never
be friend or sauteed.
Better to submit to
intestinal surgery
than allow one
French fried potato
to find its way into the colon.
NARRATOR: Man cannot
live by fish alone.
Whoever said that knew what
they were talking about.
Don't worry, Daddy.
Its not for long.
How was your dinner?
Puttanesca.
We had puttanesca.
It means prostitute
in Italian, she said.
Oh.
Well, how apt.
She's beautiful, isn't she?
Don't you think?
Yes.
Yeah.
I used to think so.
Did you do it with her?
Naked, like... in the magazine?
What's it to you, Stanley?
Desmond says I've
got a dirty mind.
But I've gotta know
about these things.
Yes, we did.
But that's all you're getting.
Is that why she had to leave?
Because she was staff,
and you were management?
Do you think it's true
that every dog has its day?
Every dog?
I believe that.
I do.
Good for you, Stanley.
Good for you.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHISPERING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Kath, dinner was superb.
A triumph.
Though a little
rich, to my mind.
A little regime, you know?
Well, um... considering
the available ingredients,
I'm flattered.
Anyway, I came to
proffer my thanks,
and just add a tiny
word of caution.
Hello.
You're a master
chef, aren't you?
You know, I bet you
could make anything.
I bet you could make desserts.
Really, Stanley,
I'm surprised at you.
I Really am disappointed.
You've ruined the evening.
Oh, god.
Always in the larder.
I'm taking over.
You can leave now.
Ah.
And why is that?
Because you're
wrecking the regime.
Because the guests like my food.
And if they like it, it can't
be doing them any good, right?
These people are sick.
Yeah, sick of your food.
My... my cuisine
is the one thing
that is keeping them alive.
Cuisine?
What... cuisine... you
wouldn't know a cuisine if it
came up and bit you on the ass.
I won't go.
If you put it to a vote,
the guests will choose me.
So I'll make you a deal.
Let's put your wonderful
cuisine to the test.
You come back, and I
stay until the ferry.
But not as sous chef.
As equal.
Two menus, mine and yours.
And if they're not all
eating and thriving
on mine my boat time, I
go, and that's the last
you'll ever hear of me.
And if they are?
What's the matter?
You losing your nerve?
No.
Then it's agreed.
MALE VOICE: And thanks to
our listeners, who have
kept those recipes flowing in.
So, finally the moment
of truth arrives,
and I have the
pleasure of introducing
Doreen Fisk, last year's
winner, to announce
the jury's decision.
DOREEN FISK: The
winner of the award
for the best historical
dish of the year goes to...
Oh, bugger!
Bugger.
MALE VOICE: Excellent.
And now a...
I've been meaning to ask
you, what is that filthy thing
doing in my kitchen?
That is a present for you.
And I'm putting
it to better use.
FEMALE VOICE: One has only
to witness this virile palate
to know that the chili pepper
has been at its ulcerous work,
deep within the soft intestine.
Most cuisines exist
for the purpose
of inducing the foolish to gorge
On all their stomachs can hold,
and more.
When I set eyes upon a table
loaded with so-called gourmet
foods, I only see what lies
beneath the facade... tumors
and polyps of the
digestive organs,
livers black with cirrhosis,
joints distorted by gout,
and spined kidney stones,
massive and impassable.
Try it now.
Still nothing.
Shut it off!
Good to see you back
in the kitchen again.
Minding the shop.
Though I'm surprised
you haven't booted her.
That muck she's serving
up... it's full of spices.
Pure poison.
Yeah, well you put her there.
Ronald, it was her idea.
You put us in such a jam.
What else could I do?
Too much.
You're killing me.
I can assure you,
this is pointless
and extremely harmful.
It is the one thing
keeping you alive,
as you should very well know.
Besides, I think you
secretly like it.
Professor [INAUDIBLE] has proven
the lethal dangers of light.
You only have to look at the
fourth digit of the loris lemur
to find all the proof you need.
Everyone else here manages
to get up in the morning
and sleep at night
without ill effect.
You can't be serious?
Just look at them.
They're all deranged.
Well, you're getting weaker.
What you need is to
eat and sleep normally.
You might even enjoy
the new lunch menus.
Maybe.
But they refuse to let me
take my meals at night.
It is killing me.
Well, we aren't nocturnal,
and we aren't descended
from lemurs, Mr. Gorgonov.
Ah... isn't that better?
Oh!
Oh my god!
Oh!
Oh!
[SHRIEK] Enough!
Stop!
Enough!
God!
How come that Stanley
kid's excused from this?
He doesn't like water.
His parents were
friends of Mummy.
They brought him here.
They paid for his upkeep.
Not that it does him
much good, poor thing.
How about a zits bath?
Absolutely, definitely not.
Do you really like
those sun treatments?
Like them?
Are you crazy?
They allow me time with Miss
Blanche, during which we have
many stimulating discussions.
Stimulating discussions?
Don't you think it's about
time you tried something new?
Set her free.
I know how awkward
it must be for you,
but at least you're there
to keep an eye on her.
Goodness knows what havoc
she might wreak if we
let her run loose in the hotel.
Follow me.
Now, don't run.
Here we go.
[WHISPERING]
[BANGING]
Oh, at last.
Little punts.
Get 'em in the bag.
I've been through all the record
sleeves, the files... nothing.
It's heartbreaking.
Meals just aren't the same.
It's only a record.
It's her voice.
Mummy's voice.
I'm sure it will turn up.
Just the one crayfish left?
Well, I'm not having
that other thing.
That homeopathic soup.
She can have that.
One crayfish, one Potiphar.
Thanks.
Four crayfish, one Potiphar.
Leave those, and get four ready!
Get two more, and
put 'em in the pot.
You'll upset the boy.
You, out!
Don't worry.
We're not going to
make you kill them.
Somebody's going
to have to do it.
I'm not a bloody octopus.
[SCREAMING] Oh, shit!
Think I'll go and freshen up.
What are you looking at?
People who want
to eat out there.
(SINGING) I get constipation
whenever you're not here.
My guts, they get all frozen.
My belly feels all queer.
It's nothing that I've eaten,
I'm careful how I chew.
My allergies are all controlled.
I think it might be you.
I went to see my doctor
about my number twos.
He says the strongest laxative
is seeing more of you.
[CLAPPING]
With that talent, you
should be on the mainland.
The mainland?
Yes, the mainland.
I've thought about that.
I... I really have.
Then what are you waiting for?
Waiting for?
Well, I couldn't.
I... I can't cross the...
You came here on the
ferry, didn't you?
The ferry?
I did.
That's right, boy.
Across the water.
I did.
I did.
I remember.
And why did your
parents send you here?
They said I... I
needed treatment.
They... they said I
had unclean urges.
Unclean urges?
What's wrong with that?
No, Stanley, you're
confusing yourself.
It was the water.
Remember?
Because you're so
afraid of water.
But you're much better now.
Very stable, aren't you?
Yes, I'm very stable.
Because you stick to
your regime, don't you?
Do you like being stable?
Naps.
Secret of a balanced
constitution.
Little naps.
Five or six times a day.
[GRUNTING]
All those years she
blatantly favoritized us.
I never took Ronnie's side.
I never once stood up for him.
[GRUNTING] There is
a definite impaction
in the transverse colon.
[GRUNTING]
Better?
I am!
I am!
I am.
I found you all.
Unblocked?
That's better.
That's better.
Dear angel, you're the
only one who understands.
What is it?
Please to follow?
This isn't, uh... a very
good time, Mr. Gorgonov.
My god.
My god.
Sergei...
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
May I have the pleasure?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUFFLED VOICES]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[CLAPPING]
For you, Kath.
For you.
I was, uh, wondering
if you could help me?
Help is... well, help is
what we think I need.
And being here
has... has helped me.
I really... I really think it
has, but there is more to this,
isn't there?
There's definitely
more than this.
Kath, the thing that
grown up people do... well,
I've never done it.
And I was wondering, if
I did, it would help me
to be a man, instead of a boy.
There's no one here, Kath.
There's no one but you, and
I think you're wonderful.
Would you... would
you think... well,
could you think about doing
that with someone like me?
I'm not what you're
looking for, Stanley.
Do you know how many
girls are on the mainland?
I mean, you're a
good looking man.
Did you know that?
- Good looking?
I'm just looking.
Stanley, you're too
good for this place.
Just don't get
trapped here, like...
Like you did.
Like I... almost did.
She's out there.
Stanley.
Waiting.
Yeah, out there,
but... the water.
But you weren't afraid of water
before you came here, were you?
Try.
Try to remember.
I should leave now, shouldn't I?
While I still have the chance.
Thank you, Kath.
Thank you.
Bye, Kath.
If you want to help, you can get
started on those [INAUDIBLE].
How can you still be here?
This isn't so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Ah... ah... ah!
Ah!
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
I thought if I
could just hang on,
it might be possible to
change... really change things.
Must have been out
of my bloody mind,
with Desmond running the place.
Come.
Come!
Oh... come on.
Come on.
Get up!
Come on!
[COUGHING]
Whoa!
No!
No, I won't go back!
Stanley!
Stanley!
Stanley!
I won't!
No!
What were you doing, Stanley?
Stealing away.
I was leaving.
I thought I was ready.
You told me I was.
I did.
But I... I got it wrong.
I need more time here.
It's me.
I'm unstable.
That's not your
fault, it's mine.
Yeah, well, um... you
get some rest, eh?
Aye.
Get your strength back.
My strength.
Right.
My strength.
[WATER GUSHING]
Ah!
Bugger!
No!
No!
Aye, the [INAUDIBLE].
Check the methane
converter again.
It's running at full capacity.
They're shitting too much.
What?
The guests.
The system was designed
for this much shit.
It's running too rich.
She's poisoning us
with her filthy food.
You want my opinion,
the Smith boy may only
be the first of her casualties.
It had nothing to
do with her cooking!
Well, well.
You prefer Ronald to me, you do.
I can tell.
He can swim well.
He's mature.
He's not that mature.
Kath, get away.
Get away now.
Take him with you.
She's too strong.
She's too strong.
You promise me.
Promise.
Well, this simply cannot
be allowed to continue.
The system is breaking
down, and there
was nearly a death last night.
I've done everything
we discussed.
There are daily special offers.
It's not my fault...
Nobody's blaming Cora.
Are we, boys?
- No, no.
Of course not.
But treatment is her department,
and enemas are extra.
The hotel simply isn't
viable without that revenue.
But Ronnie, what are you saying?
There must be
something we can do.
They don't go for
treatments because they
don't need them anymore.
Don't need them?
Of course they do.
It's part of the regime.
Daddy?
Well, I have noticed a certain
remission in my own condition.
All this time I've been
blocking them up with my food,
while Cora unblocks
them downstairs.
It's just one of Mummy's
little schemes, you know?
Scooping revenue from both ends.
Things have changed.
That's all.
No going back.
It's not just the colonics.
It's everything.
They're simply not
interested anymore.
If we introduced massage,
then they would flock.
Isn't that so, Daddy?
Well...
I will not touch them.
Nobody is going to
make you do anything.
For goodness'
sake, am I the only
sane member of this family?
We are in a crisis.
We all have to do things
that we don't like.
Massage is a standard treatment
in all the great hotels.
Kora... you go and
talk to her, Daddy.
She listens to you.
It's a sensitive issue.
Really?
Well, would you
want to touch them?
There is a conspiracy at work
in the hotel... a rebellion...
And we all know who's
at the bottom of it.
We have been through this.
Funny that you should be
so anxious to protect her.
I wonder what Mummy
would have made of this.
Oh, and I wonder
what Mummy would have
thought of you and Lorna Bull?
Lorna Bull is a cheap little
tart of no consequence to me.
I, uh, thought you seemed sad.
I'm not sad.
But it's kind that you cared.
I think about your bird a lot.
I keep seeing it
in my mind's eye.
When will it be finished?
Soon.
It doesn't belong here.
It belongs in a place where
it could be appreciated.
Somewhere wonderful.
Sergei... It's better if things
remain as they always have.
I'm sorry.
I think Sergei Gorgonov
is in love with me.
Well, it's only taken
you 10 years to notice.
That's great.
No, Kath.
I want to die.
But you feel the same.
I know you do.
No, I can't do this!
Kath... all my life, I have
lived with a terrible secret.
A knowledge that no
matter what I do,
I will always remain
ugly, and deformed.
Aw... what are you saying?
If any man saw my...
Deformity, he would
stop loving me in an instant.
I don't understand.
Something is terribly
wrong with me.
Down there.
Cora?
Cora, how did you discover this?
Mummy told me.
Um... Maybe she was wrong?
Maybe she lied to you?
How can you say that?
Because I think it's not true.
But I thought you'd understand?
Put on the cooker.
Now.
None of the bloody
vegetables are on yet.
Well, that's because
he took the vegetable...
Oh, for god's sake!
My [INAUDIBLE].
Get on with that.
MALE VOICE: That was
a request for all
the kitchen staff at the
Hotel Splendide, from Kath.
Oh, damn!
Oh, damn.
A word in your ears?
What?
About the cooking.
As I mentioned before,
there have been
some complaints about the food.
Let's discuss this at
the next family session.
Now is not a good time.
Then make it a good time.
Make it a good time.
Watch what you're doing!
I can't deal with this.
We're cutting out
all the spicy muck,
and getting back
to what we do best.
The cuisine for which the
hotel is so justly famous.
I run this kitchen
the way I choose to.
You're not running this kitchen.
And what exactly does that mean?
My god, listen to you both.
Grow up.
What have you done?
Yeah, we were all sick to
death of that awful croaking.
It was a public service.
You've caused enough
trouble as it is.
We should've left
you on the beach.
Get out of my kitchen.
I will not have
my staff maligned.
Oh, don't you speak
to me like that.
I said out!
Get out!
That's methane.
That's methane.
Turn off the burners!
Turn off the burners!
[GRUNTING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Come on!
[GROANING]
You all right?
I'm never going back in there!
You won't make me!
What?
It's her!
She tried to kill us!
Excuse me?
Excuse me?
What?
What has happened to
the standards here?
That's what I want to know.
[SHOUTING]
[SHOUTING]
[SHOUTING]
Stop.
Please.
What you did today was improper.
You took her side
in front of staff.
I should have seen it coming.
I knew you'd be ensnared
by her all over again.
Look at what's happening here.
It's Mummy.
She won't stand for it.
You know what she thought
about goings on with staff.
NARRATOR: The great thing
about the Chinese language
is that the word for crisis
also means opportunity.
What I want to know
is whether being
gassed to death by your own
waste counts as an opportunity.
Not cross still
with me, are you?
No, Desmond.
I've arranged everything
to make you happy.
But you... you don't seem
to want... is it the food?
No.
Then what?
Desmond, I've tried really hard,
but I can't stand it anymore.
Can't stand it?
Can't stand what?
Well... it's not that
you're culling the filth,
and the parasites, and... I
dread to think what else.
I mean, most people are,
and it's not your fault.
Although that flaking
around your eyes and mouth
doesn't help things.
I've also found your
fixation with the new cook
humiliating and insensitive.
Ridiculous.
Anyway, I've decided.
Her days at the
hotel are numbered.
What I can't stand is
that you never finish.
You know what I mean.
Oh.
I'll get back to my room now.
Lorna.
Yes?
I'm going to have to put
you back on the full tariff.
It was an accident.
That's all.
But we both know what happened.
If you can't accept it, then
you're still in her power,
just as much as everyone else.
And where did you get that?
Smuggled it in.
You could fire me for that.
[COUGHING]
Do you know what the
day after tomorrow is?
Ferry day.
So, as I lost the bet,
I'm packing my bags.
Seems to me you won.
No more cooking for me.
I'm off.
Not if I have
anything to do with it.
Come on.
Get up.
You were right all along.
I've been a fool.
Yeah?
How's that?
All these years,
I never gave you
credit for what you were doing.
All I heard were their
complaints about the food.
Endless winging.
But you held it together,
without any word of thanks.
You recognized her vision,
and kept this place alive.
You were unto her from
the start, when I just
sailed ahead... buggered it all.
Well, she goes tomorrow.
You can be cook
again, and the family
can do what they do best.
And her and her damn
conspiracy can go to hell.
What do you say?
I say she stays.
What an absurd idea.
Must be heat exhaustion.
Kath is the best thing that
ever happened to this place.
I only wish that last time, I'd
stood up to our fucking mother.
Instead of pissing the last
five years of my life away.
I see.
Well, it was just a suggestion.
So long as there's no
bad feeling between us.
Of course not.
[WHIMPERING]
[WHIMPERING]
CORA: Who is it?
It's me.
Open up.
What is it, Desmond?
Mind if I come in?
Can't it wait?
No, it can't wait.
We have to talk
about this business
with Ronald and this bitch.
It's happening again.
You're overtired.
Go back to bed.
We are family.
We have to stick together.
Nonsense.
Good for them, at last.
Little fool.
This is a catastrophe.
You've become a
liability to the hotel.
You only remain here
through my good grace.
You know that.
Please go away.
How long do you think you would
last without me to protect you?
How long?
Or had you forgotten, Cora?
Had you forgotten in your
passion for that vile Russian?
Have you told him
about your deformity?
Or were you planning
to surprise him?
[CRYING]
[SCREAMING]
[GASPING]
She only had to twist her hand.
Such discipline.
My Cora... my dear...
I sent the note.
I thought you could help her.
She loved you like a sister.
I knew it would come to this.
She is to blame, with
her demon poisons.
Yes, well I'm still the
manager of this hotel.
I am still manager,
so I'm going to have
to let her go after we organize
a funeral for poor Cora.
I'm sorry, but that's
just the way it is.
Shut your damned mouth, boy!
You're taking her side, too?
Mummy would never have
betrayed me like this.
She would have stood
by me to the end.
Mummy was a demonic old bitch!
That is a wicked, spiteful lie!
Well, there was always something
rather unwholesome about
the way you worshipped her!
DESMOND: Senile old fool.
You don't know
what you're saying!
[CLAP] Back to your room!
You know, Cora tried to
make peace between us,
but she never could.
Over time, however
cruel Mummy was,
however much I
resented her, I thought
she was doing it out of love.
That she wanted the best for us.
I was a fool.
That woman couldn't
love anybody.
She didn't know how.
Look, um... these are useless.
Um... I know another way.
Come on.
KATH: Have you ever
been down there?
No.
This is the old coal shaft.
The main feed valve to the
boiler is at the bottom.
I'm gonna close the damn
thing down once and for all.
And after that, you
and I are gonna leave.
Careful.
This is it.
Here.
[RUMBLING]
DESMOND: Traitors!
Run!
Well, we can forget
about killing the boiler.
There's no way back.
Know another way out?
We'll just follow
the smell of seaweed.
Edna Blanche.
Well, so much for
her precious regime.
All those years we
were suffering it,
she was down here
stuffing her guts.
Mm... perfect.
Do you want some?
What doesn't kill
you makes you fatter.
[CLATTERING]
Bloody wet.
[GASPING]
[COUGHING]
What are you doing here?
Been coming here for years.
It's the minerals.
Keeps me young.
You get used to the smell.
Oh...
[GRUNTING]
What... what do you
think you're doing?
We're gonna make a cake.
Have you got something to say?
[LAUGHTER]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[CLANGING]
[CLANGING]
In memory of our beloved Cora.
Right.
Who's first?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Ah, so... you dried up hag.
You'd keep us from this?
From this?
[GLASS SHATTERING]
What is the meaning of this?
We're eating pudding.
Get away from that immediately!
This is a desecration
of our regime.
This is our sister's wake.
Traitors.
All of you!
You never loved her.
I'll show you what want is.
You'll see!
KATH: Desmond!
RONALD: Desmond!
Oh, this is pointless.
Is it?
Is it?
I know what you're up to.
I knew as soon as
I saw you go down.
Well, what has been
done can be undone.
So, I'm going to kill
your fucking cake.
Oh, Desmond.
Maybe he's right.
Die, damn you!
Damn!
[LAUGHTER]
[MACHINERY WHIRRING]
[RUMBLING]
Desmond!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
[ALARM RINGING]
DESMOND: No!
[SHOUTING]
Come on, boy!
Come on!
[SCREAMING]
No!
No!
[SCREAMING]
No, no, no!
Mummy, wait!
No!
Mummy!
[ALARM RINGING]
NARRATOR: I think life's
a bit like cooking, I do.
It's not just about
what goes into the pot,
it's what happens
over the fire, that
changes it all into something
different, and wonderful.
Usually.
Pity about Desmond.
He did try so hard.
I've learned many things during
my stay at the Hotel Splendide.
Most of all that there
is nothing so terrible
that it can't be overcome.
I think it's done me a
lot of good, being here.
I really do.
But I think I'm ready now.
Ready for the mainland.
Everyone says I am.
Definitely.
So I must be.
I hope.
Come on, Stanley!
I know you can do it!
Go on, boy!
Run!
Come on, Stanley!
[SHOUTING]
Stanley!
Come on, Stanley!
Come on, Stanley!
Come on!
Stanley!
Come on!
Come on!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Stand up straight.
What do you call this?
The hotel prides
itself on keeping up
the grand tradition of service.
Your slovenliness blackens the
reputation of the Splendide,
and all of its loyal staff.
Next time you'll
be given a notice.
Be assured.
NARRATOR: The Hotel Splendide
is a unique and marvelous place.
It's an ideal spot to
rest or convalesce,
with full hydro spa facilities,
no shortage of fresh fish,
and a friendly
family atmosphere,
which hasn't changed since
Mrs. Blanche died last year.
I've learned many things during
my stay at the Splendide.
I've learned to
always chew my food,
and that every cloud has
a lining of some sort.
Maybe it's being so remote from
the outside world that allows
me to see things this clearly.
Desmond says that the great
thing about family run hotels
is continuity.
After his mother died,
Desmond took over as manager.
And he's made no changes
that I can detect,
so he must be right about that.
FEMALE VOICE: Taking small bites
and producing plenty of saliva
to aid digestion.
Chewing, chewing,
chewing, chewing,
until the food is reduced
to an even, watery puree.
NARRATOR: Mrs. Blance recorded
her theories on healthy eating
just before she passed on.
I can't help wishing she'd died
just that little bit sooner,
and not had time to make
the record before she went.
Desmond's brother,
Ronald, is cook,
and has created a
distinctive cuisine
based on seaweed and eels.
Their sister, Cora, runs
the hydro treatments.
And Morton Blanche retired
the day his wife died,
finally surrendering to
chronic constipation.
Continuity, or change.
I think sometimes change
begins with a fellow there.
A sound you've heard 100
times seems different,
and in a moment, the
world's turned upside down.
Stanley!
MALE VOICE: Of the
family [INAUDIBLE],
and originating in Egypt.
What was that?
MALE VOICE: I'll
have to hurry you.
How come the... how come
the... how come the...
MALE VOICE: The common cucumber.
NARRATOR: There's a time
and a place for everything,
Desmond says.
That's the beauty of routine.
All as it should be?
Yes, Desmond.
Oh my god.
Yes.
At last.
Oh, at last!
Oh!
NARRATOR: I can't remember the
last time a guest arrived here.
In fact, I think it was me.
But I'm certain
of one thing... no
one who left has ever returned.
Why would they?
Mr. Blanche.
Yes, thank you.
So she's dead?
Yes.
Her heart.
Last year.
Let's talk in my office.
Shit.
You know, I think I've got
just the thing for that.
Now, it might sting a
little, but it works.
What happened to all the guests?
We still have them.
Just less of the riffraff.
Well, I'll need a room.
Well, I'm afraid that's
out of the question.
Well, we'll see what your
brother has to say about that.
Best to leave him be.
That's what you think.
Still using the slash
and spread method, I see.
Remind them, Mummy.
FEMALE VOICE: Desire,
like appetite,
is a disease to be tamed.
All corruption, both
physical and moral,
emanates from the mouth.
What the hell is she doing here?
Quite.
She can't stay, Desmond.
I want her out of here!
Absolutely.
However, month till
the next ferry.
That's her problem.
Get rid of her, now.
Of course, Ronald.
But there is the
matter of decorum.
I mean, have you thought
about what the guests
are going to make of this?
Sod the guests!
And sod you!
[CLATTERING]
Look at you.
Don't give me that look.
You hurt him terribly.
What, so he invites me back
here and gets his revenge?
What are you talking about?
The note.
That the queen of
the harpies was dead.
But why would he send you this?
It doesn't make sense.
Well, Cora, um... we were close.
Maybe that's why he never
forgave you for running away?
It was monstrous of her
to return, we all agree,
but he's turned it into
a public spectacle.
An embarrassment to the hotel.
Ronnie's had a bit
of a shock, but we
can help him to come around
if we all stick together.
Daddy, this is improper.
He cannot be
allowed to interfere
in management decisions.
Marvelous stew.
Chicken, was it?
That's right.
Long, black, slippery
sea chickens.
And what did you get?
A drumstick?
We're trying to find
a solution, Ronnie.
She thought you
invited her back.
Right.
Well, she can stay
until the ferry,
but she doesn't
move from her room.
Well, uh... I wouldn't be the
first guest to welcome you,
then?
Stanley.
Stanley Smith.
Kath.
So why are you here?
For the hydrotherapy?
Hydrotherapy?
No, no, no, no.
No.
I'm excused.
Morton says you
used to work here.
Is that right?
Did you work here?
Yeah, about 1,000 years ago.
I was sous chef.
Sous chef.
Sous chef, of course.
Of course.
So, why did you
have to leave, then?
Did something happen?
Um... yeah.
It did.
It did.
It did.
Yeah.
Um... there was a... a
difference of opinion with,
um... the management.
With Ronald?
Is that why you're so angry?
No.
Not with him.
Never with him.
Be careful here.
You know, the spray... spray
could come in at any time.
Be careful.
I'm to take you to your room.
[SIGH]
Hi, Sergei.
Hello.
Welcome back.
NARRATOR: The
first day of winter
is now very special
at the Splendide,
as it marks the ceremony of
the heating being fired up.
I think it's an omen
of a sort, that Cath
arrived on this very day.
Though I'm not sure
it was a good one.
In memory of our beloved
Mummy, on the first anniversary
of her passing.
[RATTLING]
Mr. Lyme?
[SCREAMING]
It's on.
What are you looking at?
Get your thumb out of your
ass, and them dishes washed.
Oh, but please, wash
that thumb first.
Richard is missing from
the gramophone again.
I don't suppose you've seen it?
When you're done,
take this to room 106.
Here we go.
[BEEPING]
Oops.
Landed on a disease.
Diverticulitis.
Come on.
It's easy.
Three symptoms.
Diverticulitis...
Um... that's cramps,
constipation, rectal bleeding.
Wrong.
You're dead.
Does... does that
mean I can off to...
What a waste.
Go on.
Oh.
[INAUDIBLE]
[CLATTERING]
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
I don't know!
What I'm doing here.
God, I feel like an idiot.
You didn't send
the note, did you?
No.
You, um... owe me
an explanation.
For leaving.
You could have followed me.
How?
Morton knew where I would be.
Daddy?
Yeah.
We never...
That's not enough.
I mean, you left.
Start talking.
Ronnie.
What good would it do?
We couldn't have
gone on without you.
We didn't even have
a sous chef anymore.
I thought it would
all blow over.
You were both so young, and...
And?
And?
Mummy would have murdered me.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
For once, Mummy was dead right.
Excuse me.
Where is he?
Spit it out!
Perhaps you can
tell me what we're
going to do about luncheon?
She breaks the
rules, simple as that.
Only room for one
cook in my kitchen.
And besides which, I
prefer it out here.
Ronald, come back inside.
We're not going to let
her get the better of us?
Um... luncheon is off.
I'm afraid Ronald is ill.
Nothing life threatening.
So, if you'll just bear with us,
we'll soon be back to normal.
In the meantime,
we will be making
alternative arrangements.
Cora?
Um... this is an
excellent opportunity
for a healthful fast.
Participants should make their
way to the treatment rooms
for complementary purgatives.
Oh, no.
To enhance the process.
NARRATOR: Hunger is sharper
than a serpent's tooth, it is.
And a simple omelette
can be a dangerous thing
in the right hands.
Absurd, isn't he?
His behavior is inexcusable.
He has an excuse.
Goodness' sake.
Now, I have something
to show you.
Oh my god.
What is all this?
Mummy's dream.
She hooked up the
hotel sewage system
to this methane
converter, which provides
unlimited gas for the boiler.
It's a sealed system.
As long as the guests eat and...
You know... there's as much heat
as we'll ever head.
She died a few days
before it was finished.
Never saw it working.
It's too bad.
The first time we fired it
up was for her cremation.
You see, it was
her last request.
The best part of her...
Not the physical part,
but her essence...
Is in the hotel now.
She's joined with it forever.
Right.
That must be a great
comfort to you.
It is.
It really is.
You know, Kath, I had
a hard job convincing
Ronald to let you back in.
I really think he would have
allowed you to die out there.
I put my neck on
the block for you.
I was happy to do it, but it
may have cost us the hotel,
if this situation continues.
And?
And I thought maybe
you might be able to do
me a favor in return?
Kath, would you cook for us?
What?
It's the only way.
For the good of the hotel.
No.
Too hot?
Nonsense.
Well, I'm staying here
until things are resolved
with him, one way or the other.
If I'm in the kitchen, then
he'll have to stop pretending
that I don't exist, won't he?
Can't you see what
he's going through?
You've not been
chewing your fish,
and I've warned you about that.
Cora?
What on earth are you
still doing in this place?
What does that mean?
I mean, my god, it was
hellish enough before,
but this is as bad as it gets.
It's my family home.
There's life out there.
Aren't you even curious?
Yes, of course I am.
But I'm needed here.
The treatments.
Forget the enemas.
This bunch of stiffs need
firecrackers up their asses.
Don't you?
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
He'll never forgive you.
Fish stew is off.
Puttanesca is on.
FEMALE VOICE: The unhealthy
intestine craves stimulation,
and must be trained rigorously.
Boiled food is most
readily digestible.
Boiling has the added advantage
of removing excess flavor
from certain ingredients,
and is thus generally
the preferred methods.
Our... our portions
are unequeal.
Well, she's taken a
dislike to you, obviously.
FEMALE VOICE: Blanching and
poaching is also acceptable,
but ingredients may never
be friend or sauteed.
Better to submit to
intestinal surgery
than allow one
French fried potato
to find its way into the colon.
NARRATOR: Man cannot
live by fish alone.
Whoever said that knew what
they were talking about.
Don't worry, Daddy.
Its not for long.
How was your dinner?
Puttanesca.
We had puttanesca.
It means prostitute
in Italian, she said.
Oh.
Well, how apt.
She's beautiful, isn't she?
Don't you think?
Yes.
Yeah.
I used to think so.
Did you do it with her?
Naked, like... in the magazine?
What's it to you, Stanley?
Desmond says I've
got a dirty mind.
But I've gotta know
about these things.
Yes, we did.
But that's all you're getting.
Is that why she had to leave?
Because she was staff,
and you were management?
Do you think it's true
that every dog has its day?
Every dog?
I believe that.
I do.
Good for you, Stanley.
Good for you.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHISPERING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Kath, dinner was superb.
A triumph.
Though a little
rich, to my mind.
A little regime, you know?
Well, um... considering
the available ingredients,
I'm flattered.
Anyway, I came to
proffer my thanks,
and just add a tiny
word of caution.
Hello.
You're a master
chef, aren't you?
You know, I bet you
could make anything.
I bet you could make desserts.
Really, Stanley,
I'm surprised at you.
I Really am disappointed.
You've ruined the evening.
Oh, god.
Always in the larder.
I'm taking over.
You can leave now.
Ah.
And why is that?
Because you're
wrecking the regime.
Because the guests like my food.
And if they like it, it can't
be doing them any good, right?
These people are sick.
Yeah, sick of your food.
My... my cuisine
is the one thing
that is keeping them alive.
Cuisine?
What... cuisine... you
wouldn't know a cuisine if it
came up and bit you on the ass.
I won't go.
If you put it to a vote,
the guests will choose me.
So I'll make you a deal.
Let's put your wonderful
cuisine to the test.
You come back, and I
stay until the ferry.
But not as sous chef.
As equal.
Two menus, mine and yours.
And if they're not all
eating and thriving
on mine my boat time, I
go, and that's the last
you'll ever hear of me.
And if they are?
What's the matter?
You losing your nerve?
No.
Then it's agreed.
MALE VOICE: And thanks to
our listeners, who have
kept those recipes flowing in.
So, finally the moment
of truth arrives,
and I have the
pleasure of introducing
Doreen Fisk, last year's
winner, to announce
the jury's decision.
DOREEN FISK: The
winner of the award
for the best historical
dish of the year goes to...
Oh, bugger!
Bugger.
MALE VOICE: Excellent.
And now a...
I've been meaning to ask
you, what is that filthy thing
doing in my kitchen?
That is a present for you.
And I'm putting
it to better use.
FEMALE VOICE: One has only
to witness this virile palate
to know that the chili pepper
has been at its ulcerous work,
deep within the soft intestine.
Most cuisines exist
for the purpose
of inducing the foolish to gorge
On all their stomachs can hold,
and more.
When I set eyes upon a table
loaded with so-called gourmet
foods, I only see what lies
beneath the facade... tumors
and polyps of the
digestive organs,
livers black with cirrhosis,
joints distorted by gout,
and spined kidney stones,
massive and impassable.
Try it now.
Still nothing.
Shut it off!
Good to see you back
in the kitchen again.
Minding the shop.
Though I'm surprised
you haven't booted her.
That muck she's serving
up... it's full of spices.
Pure poison.
Yeah, well you put her there.
Ronald, it was her idea.
You put us in such a jam.
What else could I do?
Too much.
You're killing me.
I can assure you,
this is pointless
and extremely harmful.
It is the one thing
keeping you alive,
as you should very well know.
Besides, I think you
secretly like it.
Professor [INAUDIBLE] has proven
the lethal dangers of light.
You only have to look at the
fourth digit of the loris lemur
to find all the proof you need.
Everyone else here manages
to get up in the morning
and sleep at night
without ill effect.
You can't be serious?
Just look at them.
They're all deranged.
Well, you're getting weaker.
What you need is to
eat and sleep normally.
You might even enjoy
the new lunch menus.
Maybe.
But they refuse to let me
take my meals at night.
It is killing me.
Well, we aren't nocturnal,
and we aren't descended
from lemurs, Mr. Gorgonov.
Ah... isn't that better?
Oh!
Oh my god!
Oh!
Oh!
[SHRIEK] Enough!
Stop!
Enough!
God!
How come that Stanley
kid's excused from this?
He doesn't like water.
His parents were
friends of Mummy.
They brought him here.
They paid for his upkeep.
Not that it does him
much good, poor thing.
How about a zits bath?
Absolutely, definitely not.
Do you really like
those sun treatments?
Like them?
Are you crazy?
They allow me time with Miss
Blanche, during which we have
many stimulating discussions.
Stimulating discussions?
Don't you think it's about
time you tried something new?
Set her free.
I know how awkward
it must be for you,
but at least you're there
to keep an eye on her.
Goodness knows what havoc
she might wreak if we
let her run loose in the hotel.
Follow me.
Now, don't run.
Here we go.
[WHISPERING]
[BANGING]
Oh, at last.
Little punts.
Get 'em in the bag.
I've been through all the record
sleeves, the files... nothing.
It's heartbreaking.
Meals just aren't the same.
It's only a record.
It's her voice.
Mummy's voice.
I'm sure it will turn up.
Just the one crayfish left?
Well, I'm not having
that other thing.
That homeopathic soup.
She can have that.
One crayfish, one Potiphar.
Thanks.
Four crayfish, one Potiphar.
Leave those, and get four ready!
Get two more, and
put 'em in the pot.
You'll upset the boy.
You, out!
Don't worry.
We're not going to
make you kill them.
Somebody's going
to have to do it.
I'm not a bloody octopus.
[SCREAMING] Oh, shit!
Think I'll go and freshen up.
What are you looking at?
People who want
to eat out there.
(SINGING) I get constipation
whenever you're not here.
My guts, they get all frozen.
My belly feels all queer.
It's nothing that I've eaten,
I'm careful how I chew.
My allergies are all controlled.
I think it might be you.
I went to see my doctor
about my number twos.
He says the strongest laxative
is seeing more of you.
[CLAPPING]
With that talent, you
should be on the mainland.
The mainland?
Yes, the mainland.
I've thought about that.
I... I really have.
Then what are you waiting for?
Waiting for?
Well, I couldn't.
I... I can't cross the...
You came here on the
ferry, didn't you?
The ferry?
I did.
That's right, boy.
Across the water.
I did.
I did.
I remember.
And why did your
parents send you here?
They said I... I
needed treatment.
They... they said I
had unclean urges.
Unclean urges?
What's wrong with that?
No, Stanley, you're
confusing yourself.
It was the water.
Remember?
Because you're so
afraid of water.
But you're much better now.
Very stable, aren't you?
Yes, I'm very stable.
Because you stick to
your regime, don't you?
Do you like being stable?
Naps.
Secret of a balanced
constitution.
Little naps.
Five or six times a day.
[GRUNTING]
All those years she
blatantly favoritized us.
I never took Ronnie's side.
I never once stood up for him.
[GRUNTING] There is
a definite impaction
in the transverse colon.
[GRUNTING]
Better?
I am!
I am!
I am.
I found you all.
Unblocked?
That's better.
That's better.
Dear angel, you're the
only one who understands.
What is it?
Please to follow?
This isn't, uh... a very
good time, Mr. Gorgonov.
My god.
My god.
Sergei...
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
May I have the pleasure?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUFFLED VOICES]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[CLAPPING]
For you, Kath.
For you.
I was, uh, wondering
if you could help me?
Help is... well, help is
what we think I need.
And being here
has... has helped me.
I really... I really think it
has, but there is more to this,
isn't there?
There's definitely
more than this.
Kath, the thing that
grown up people do... well,
I've never done it.
And I was wondering, if
I did, it would help me
to be a man, instead of a boy.
There's no one here, Kath.
There's no one but you, and
I think you're wonderful.
Would you... would
you think... well,
could you think about doing
that with someone like me?
I'm not what you're
looking for, Stanley.
Do you know how many
girls are on the mainland?
I mean, you're a
good looking man.
Did you know that?
- Good looking?
I'm just looking.
Stanley, you're too
good for this place.
Just don't get
trapped here, like...
Like you did.
Like I... almost did.
She's out there.
Stanley.
Waiting.
Yeah, out there,
but... the water.
But you weren't afraid of water
before you came here, were you?
Try.
Try to remember.
I should leave now, shouldn't I?
While I still have the chance.
Thank you, Kath.
Thank you.
Bye, Kath.
If you want to help, you can get
started on those [INAUDIBLE].
How can you still be here?
This isn't so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Not so bad.
Ah... ah... ah!
Ah!
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
I thought if I
could just hang on,
it might be possible to
change... really change things.
Must have been out
of my bloody mind,
with Desmond running the place.
Come.
Come!
Oh... come on.
Come on.
Get up!
Come on!
[COUGHING]
Whoa!
No!
No, I won't go back!
Stanley!
Stanley!
Stanley!
I won't!
No!
What were you doing, Stanley?
Stealing away.
I was leaving.
I thought I was ready.
You told me I was.
I did.
But I... I got it wrong.
I need more time here.
It's me.
I'm unstable.
That's not your
fault, it's mine.
Yeah, well, um... you
get some rest, eh?
Aye.
Get your strength back.
My strength.
Right.
My strength.
[WATER GUSHING]
Ah!
Bugger!
No!
No!
Aye, the [INAUDIBLE].
Check the methane
converter again.
It's running at full capacity.
They're shitting too much.
What?
The guests.
The system was designed
for this much shit.
It's running too rich.
She's poisoning us
with her filthy food.
You want my opinion,
the Smith boy may only
be the first of her casualties.
It had nothing to
do with her cooking!
Well, well.
You prefer Ronald to me, you do.
I can tell.
He can swim well.
He's mature.
He's not that mature.
Kath, get away.
Get away now.
Take him with you.
She's too strong.
She's too strong.
You promise me.
Promise.
Well, this simply cannot
be allowed to continue.
The system is breaking
down, and there
was nearly a death last night.
I've done everything
we discussed.
There are daily special offers.
It's not my fault...
Nobody's blaming Cora.
Are we, boys?
- No, no.
Of course not.
But treatment is her department,
and enemas are extra.
The hotel simply isn't
viable without that revenue.
But Ronnie, what are you saying?
There must be
something we can do.
They don't go for
treatments because they
don't need them anymore.
Don't need them?
Of course they do.
It's part of the regime.
Daddy?
Well, I have noticed a certain
remission in my own condition.
All this time I've been
blocking them up with my food,
while Cora unblocks
them downstairs.
It's just one of Mummy's
little schemes, you know?
Scooping revenue from both ends.
Things have changed.
That's all.
No going back.
It's not just the colonics.
It's everything.
They're simply not
interested anymore.
If we introduced massage,
then they would flock.
Isn't that so, Daddy?
Well...
I will not touch them.
Nobody is going to
make you do anything.
For goodness'
sake, am I the only
sane member of this family?
We are in a crisis.
We all have to do things
that we don't like.
Massage is a standard treatment
in all the great hotels.
Kora... you go and
talk to her, Daddy.
She listens to you.
It's a sensitive issue.
Really?
Well, would you
want to touch them?
There is a conspiracy at work
in the hotel... a rebellion...
And we all know who's
at the bottom of it.
We have been through this.
Funny that you should be
so anxious to protect her.
I wonder what Mummy
would have made of this.
Oh, and I wonder
what Mummy would have
thought of you and Lorna Bull?
Lorna Bull is a cheap little
tart of no consequence to me.
I, uh, thought you seemed sad.
I'm not sad.
But it's kind that you cared.
I think about your bird a lot.
I keep seeing it
in my mind's eye.
When will it be finished?
Soon.
It doesn't belong here.
It belongs in a place where
it could be appreciated.
Somewhere wonderful.
Sergei... It's better if things
remain as they always have.
I'm sorry.
I think Sergei Gorgonov
is in love with me.
Well, it's only taken
you 10 years to notice.
That's great.
No, Kath.
I want to die.
But you feel the same.
I know you do.
No, I can't do this!
Kath... all my life, I have
lived with a terrible secret.
A knowledge that no
matter what I do,
I will always remain
ugly, and deformed.
Aw... what are you saying?
If any man saw my...
Deformity, he would
stop loving me in an instant.
I don't understand.
Something is terribly
wrong with me.
Down there.
Cora?
Cora, how did you discover this?
Mummy told me.
Um... Maybe she was wrong?
Maybe she lied to you?
How can you say that?
Because I think it's not true.
But I thought you'd understand?
Put on the cooker.
Now.
None of the bloody
vegetables are on yet.
Well, that's because
he took the vegetable...
Oh, for god's sake!
My [INAUDIBLE].
Get on with that.
MALE VOICE: That was
a request for all
the kitchen staff at the
Hotel Splendide, from Kath.
Oh, damn!
Oh, damn.
A word in your ears?
What?
About the cooking.
As I mentioned before,
there have been
some complaints about the food.
Let's discuss this at
the next family session.
Now is not a good time.
Then make it a good time.
Make it a good time.
Watch what you're doing!
I can't deal with this.
We're cutting out
all the spicy muck,
and getting back
to what we do best.
The cuisine for which the
hotel is so justly famous.
I run this kitchen
the way I choose to.
You're not running this kitchen.
And what exactly does that mean?
My god, listen to you both.
Grow up.
What have you done?
Yeah, we were all sick to
death of that awful croaking.
It was a public service.
You've caused enough
trouble as it is.
We should've left
you on the beach.
Get out of my kitchen.
I will not have
my staff maligned.
Oh, don't you speak
to me like that.
I said out!
Get out!
That's methane.
That's methane.
Turn off the burners!
Turn off the burners!
[GRUNTING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Come on!
[GROANING]
You all right?
I'm never going back in there!
You won't make me!
What?
It's her!
She tried to kill us!
Excuse me?
Excuse me?
What?
What has happened to
the standards here?
That's what I want to know.
[SHOUTING]
[SHOUTING]
[SHOUTING]
Stop.
Please.
What you did today was improper.
You took her side
in front of staff.
I should have seen it coming.
I knew you'd be ensnared
by her all over again.
Look at what's happening here.
It's Mummy.
She won't stand for it.
You know what she thought
about goings on with staff.
NARRATOR: The great thing
about the Chinese language
is that the word for crisis
also means opportunity.
What I want to know
is whether being
gassed to death by your own
waste counts as an opportunity.
Not cross still
with me, are you?
No, Desmond.
I've arranged everything
to make you happy.
But you... you don't seem
to want... is it the food?
No.
Then what?
Desmond, I've tried really hard,
but I can't stand it anymore.
Can't stand it?
Can't stand what?
Well... it's not that
you're culling the filth,
and the parasites, and... I
dread to think what else.
I mean, most people are,
and it's not your fault.
Although that flaking
around your eyes and mouth
doesn't help things.
I've also found your
fixation with the new cook
humiliating and insensitive.
Ridiculous.
Anyway, I've decided.
Her days at the
hotel are numbered.
What I can't stand is
that you never finish.
You know what I mean.
Oh.
I'll get back to my room now.
Lorna.
Yes?
I'm going to have to put
you back on the full tariff.
It was an accident.
That's all.
But we both know what happened.
If you can't accept it, then
you're still in her power,
just as much as everyone else.
And where did you get that?
Smuggled it in.
You could fire me for that.
[COUGHING]
Do you know what the
day after tomorrow is?
Ferry day.
So, as I lost the bet,
I'm packing my bags.
Seems to me you won.
No more cooking for me.
I'm off.
Not if I have
anything to do with it.
Come on.
Get up.
You were right all along.
I've been a fool.
Yeah?
How's that?
All these years,
I never gave you
credit for what you were doing.
All I heard were their
complaints about the food.
Endless winging.
But you held it together,
without any word of thanks.
You recognized her vision,
and kept this place alive.
You were unto her from
the start, when I just
sailed ahead... buggered it all.
Well, she goes tomorrow.
You can be cook
again, and the family
can do what they do best.
And her and her damn
conspiracy can go to hell.
What do you say?
I say she stays.
What an absurd idea.
Must be heat exhaustion.
Kath is the best thing that
ever happened to this place.
I only wish that last time, I'd
stood up to our fucking mother.
Instead of pissing the last
five years of my life away.
I see.
Well, it was just a suggestion.
So long as there's no
bad feeling between us.
Of course not.
[WHIMPERING]
[WHIMPERING]
CORA: Who is it?
It's me.
Open up.
What is it, Desmond?
Mind if I come in?
Can't it wait?
No, it can't wait.
We have to talk
about this business
with Ronald and this bitch.
It's happening again.
You're overtired.
Go back to bed.
We are family.
We have to stick together.
Nonsense.
Good for them, at last.
Little fool.
This is a catastrophe.
You've become a
liability to the hotel.
You only remain here
through my good grace.
You know that.
Please go away.
How long do you think you would
last without me to protect you?
How long?
Or had you forgotten, Cora?
Had you forgotten in your
passion for that vile Russian?
Have you told him
about your deformity?
Or were you planning
to surprise him?
[CRYING]
[SCREAMING]
[GASPING]
She only had to twist her hand.
Such discipline.
My Cora... my dear...
I sent the note.
I thought you could help her.
She loved you like a sister.
I knew it would come to this.
She is to blame, with
her demon poisons.
Yes, well I'm still the
manager of this hotel.
I am still manager,
so I'm going to have
to let her go after we organize
a funeral for poor Cora.
I'm sorry, but that's
just the way it is.
Shut your damned mouth, boy!
You're taking her side, too?
Mummy would never have
betrayed me like this.
She would have stood
by me to the end.
Mummy was a demonic old bitch!
That is a wicked, spiteful lie!
Well, there was always something
rather unwholesome about
the way you worshipped her!
DESMOND: Senile old fool.
You don't know
what you're saying!
[CLAP] Back to your room!
You know, Cora tried to
make peace between us,
but she never could.
Over time, however
cruel Mummy was,
however much I
resented her, I thought
she was doing it out of love.
That she wanted the best for us.
I was a fool.
That woman couldn't
love anybody.
She didn't know how.
Look, um... these are useless.
Um... I know another way.
Come on.
KATH: Have you ever
been down there?
No.
This is the old coal shaft.
The main feed valve to the
boiler is at the bottom.
I'm gonna close the damn
thing down once and for all.
And after that, you
and I are gonna leave.
Careful.
This is it.
Here.
[RUMBLING]
DESMOND: Traitors!
Run!
Well, we can forget
about killing the boiler.
There's no way back.
Know another way out?
We'll just follow
the smell of seaweed.
Edna Blanche.
Well, so much for
her precious regime.
All those years we
were suffering it,
she was down here
stuffing her guts.
Mm... perfect.
Do you want some?
What doesn't kill
you makes you fatter.
[CLATTERING]
Bloody wet.
[GASPING]
[COUGHING]
What are you doing here?
Been coming here for years.
It's the minerals.
Keeps me young.
You get used to the smell.
Oh...
[GRUNTING]
What... what do you
think you're doing?
We're gonna make a cake.
Have you got something to say?
[LAUGHTER]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[CLANGING]
[CLANGING]
In memory of our beloved Cora.
Right.
Who's first?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Ah, so... you dried up hag.
You'd keep us from this?
From this?
[GLASS SHATTERING]
What is the meaning of this?
We're eating pudding.
Get away from that immediately!
This is a desecration
of our regime.
This is our sister's wake.
Traitors.
All of you!
You never loved her.
I'll show you what want is.
You'll see!
KATH: Desmond!
RONALD: Desmond!
Oh, this is pointless.
Is it?
Is it?
I know what you're up to.
I knew as soon as
I saw you go down.
Well, what has been
done can be undone.
So, I'm going to kill
your fucking cake.
Oh, Desmond.
Maybe he's right.
Die, damn you!
Damn!
[LAUGHTER]
[MACHINERY WHIRRING]
[RUMBLING]
Desmond!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
[ALARM RINGING]
DESMOND: No!
[SHOUTING]
Come on, boy!
Come on!
[SCREAMING]
No!
No!
[SCREAMING]
No, no, no!
Mummy, wait!
No!
Mummy!
[ALARM RINGING]
NARRATOR: I think life's
a bit like cooking, I do.
It's not just about
what goes into the pot,
it's what happens
over the fire, that
changes it all into something
different, and wonderful.
Usually.
Pity about Desmond.
He did try so hard.
I've learned many things during
my stay at the Hotel Splendide.
Most of all that there
is nothing so terrible
that it can't be overcome.
I think it's done me a
lot of good, being here.
I really do.
But I think I'm ready now.
Ready for the mainland.
Everyone says I am.
Definitely.
So I must be.
I hope.
Come on, Stanley!
I know you can do it!
Go on, boy!
Run!
Come on, Stanley!
[SHOUTING]
Stanley!
Come on, Stanley!
Come on, Stanley!
Come on!
Stanley!
Come on!
Come on!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Stand up straight.
What do you call this?
The hotel prides
itself on keeping up
the grand tradition of service.
Your slovenliness blackens the
reputation of the Splendide,
and all of its loyal staff.
Next time you'll
be given a notice.
Be assured.