How High (2001) Movie Script

^ xSilver ^
# Hits from the bong #
# Hits from the bong
From the bong #
# Hits from the bong
From the bong #
# Hits from the bong
Pick it, pack it
Fire it up #
# Come along
and take a hit from the bong #
# Put the blunt down
just for a second #
# Don't get me wrong
It's not a new method #
# Inhale, exhale #
# Just got an ounce
in the mail #
# I'd like a blunt
or a big fat cone #
# But my double-barrel bong
is gettin me stoned #
# I'm skillin'
There's water inside
Don't spill it #
# Hits from the bong #
# Gonna get high #
# Hits from the bong
Gonna get high #
# Let's smoke that bowl
Hit the bong #
# And then take that finger
off of that hole #
# Plug it, unplug it
Don't strain #
I love you, MaryJane
What the fuck
is your problem?
No dishwee-saya.
- Me bumbaclot johnson
no workin, see?
- What?
My raasclot true gashman
and me dick won't stay tick, see?
I think I got somethin'
for that. Hold on.
# Ain't what you want, baby #
Girl, wake your ass up.
# But what you need, baby #
Damn right you ain't sleep.
# Not what you want, baby #
# It's what you need, baby#
Bad Breath.
# Come back with me, baby
Satisfaction guaranteed #
- Limp Dick. Ha!
Got that dough?
Will this make my drill sergeant
stand at attention?
No, but it'll make you
forget your drill sergeant
don't stand at attention.
Blaze two,
get at me in the mornin'.
Yo, Silas, my brother!
Oh, shit, Mikey.
Hell, no!
Come on, Silas.
I need somethin'
to help me out.
Yeah-- rehab, mouthwash
and a job application.
I'm startin'
to recognize things.
That'scause you comin' down
off a three-month crack binge.
It's called reality, son.
Later, man.
Wait, Silas!
You've got anything
for a head wound?
Man, ain't nothin' wrong
with your head.
- Aah!
There is now.
Fuckin' crackhead.
- Now what? Oh, shit, Ive!
- What's up, dog?
What's up, nigga?
What's crackin'?
Oh, shit. You know.
Hey, you get my message about
goin' to the Jets game?
Yo, I wish I could, dog,
but I got this little shorty
comin' through tonight.
I met her on the Internet--
This girl is bangin'!
Yo, we even exchanged
pictures and everything!
Damn. This look like
your last girlfriend.
And did your picture
have that nasty...
Al B. Sure pubic patch
in it, motherfucker?
This just sprang up.
You know what I think it is?
It's the mark of Buddha.
And your haircut game
is fucked up.
Girlfriend see that,
she gonna shit on you.
This girl is different.
All she cares about
is Kevin Costner movies.
I'm gonna let Kev
do the foreplay, right?
And I figured I could get
somethin' from Garden of Weeden
to make it interesting.
Costner, huh?
Dances with Wolves.
Field of Dreams.
That's a corny motherfucker.
You gonna need some strong shit
just to stay awake.
You're feelin' me.
You're feelin' me.
That's a four-hour move
you're makin', motherfucker.
Whoo! What is this?
Huh? Get up.
you shouldn't have.
Man, I didn't.
Get outta here with that shit.
Let me just grab a titty.
Hell, no.
She wouldn't even know
it was me.
To hell with that.
Yeah. What you got for me?
Here you go,
right here: the bomb.
Oh, yeah.
What's this right here?
Stop touchin' stuff!
When you gonna get
funds for this shit?
Look right there.
See that right there?
That's a natural
aphrodisiac right there.
Come here.
Let me show you some more shit.
Look right there.
You see that?
Cure for blue balls.
This ain't shit, all right?
Watch yourself.
Yeah, well,
your shit is raggedier
than a motherfucker, okay?
If you took
your head off these ho's
and put it in some books,
you'd have that lab
you always talked about.
Half those books
is filled with bullshit,
the other half lies, all right?
See what I'm sayin'?
I gotta give Pops his medicine.
I'm hungrier
than four dudes.
Hey, I'm hungrier
than five.
Who is you,
and what's you doin'
in my house, Jack?
I work for
Whetheryou're black,
or a honky or in-between,
you'll love Porkchops-O-Chunky.
Man, that's me!
So what's in this stuff?
Nothin' but pork.
Wow! Right on!
Why don'tyou
have a bowl--
There you go, man.
Yo, you scared
to answer your call?
Taste real good
Won't make your bathroom
smell funky, yeah
You got a opportunity
to do somethin' here...
that the drug companies
would never do:
What up? Stay up.
puttin' the power of healin'
in the hands of the common man.
Yeah, whatever.
What you need to do
is concentrate on gettin'
the power of booty...
into the hands
of your common ass,
that's what you need to do.
Don't worry about the Ive.
I got mine comin' tonight.
Hey, Silas.
Damn, you see
the ass on her?
Shut up, boy.
Yo, you just remember
to take them THC's, at least
try to get into college,
workin' in a real lab,
makin' some real money.
Yeah, okay.
Whatever, man.
If you say so, bro.
The world is bigger
than Staten Island, dog.
I'm out.
Holler at me.
I'll try to.
What's up, ladies?
Yo, Si.
If I got hit by a bus tomorrow,
I got your back, dog.
If anything happened to me
while I jumped out a window...
and my hair caught on fire,
I got your back, dog.
If my ex came after me
with a knife and stabbed me,
I got your back!
Man, you talk
too fuckin' much.
Yo, Silas!
You better take
those college exams!
Look at Jamal.
He's a good boy, huh?
Good boy, my ass.
Ask her why I had to cancel
my nail appointment...
to go and pick him up
in the precinct last week.
Momma, they lyin'.
They lyin'?
- They found the weed on you,
didn't they?
- It wasn't mine.
Then what is this
that I found in your bedroom?
Ma, it is a lamp.
And this is where
you turn it on now.
Excuse me?
Now, where did I go wrong
with your ass?
You're gonna have to take
that THC test and get
into a four-year college,
or I'm just gonna cut you off
from this family.
Baby, you are the first member
of this family to go to college,
but six years
at a two-year community college
is not what I had in mind.
Tell the truth.
Baby, I got a dream...
that one day I can put
your college diploma...
here under my Jesus,
who's master of this house,
next to your brother's
barber certificate...
and your sister's
weave master degree.
Now don't disappoint me,
you weed smokin',
nasty ass.
Just like your father.
why you always gotta
be talkin' to me like that
in front of company?
- These bitches ain't nobody.
- Oh!
- Now go warm me up
some Porkchops-O-Chunky.
- Is that all, Momma?
- Wash your nasty ass.
- Is that all, Momma?
I really don't know
what you came here for
You the man.
Round and round we go
Consider your bags
outside the door
What's up, baby?
Oh, hell no!
I didn't know
you had dreads.
And what is that?
Brother just got extensions
put in today. They tight, huh?
Between your eyes?
What the hell is that?
It's the mark of Buddha.
It's the skid mark
of Buddha!
Looks like he took a dump
in the middle of your face.
I don't think
this is gonna work out.
Hold on, now!
Why you doin' this?
I'm in the Field of Dreams
and Dances with Wolves.
Nigga, you are a wolf.
Chocolate diva!
Nubian goddess!
I'm gonna take you off
my buddy list, bitch!
I hope you get a virus--
you and your computer!
If you build it, they will come.
What you mean, If you
build it, they gonna come?
Who's gonna come
to a fuckin' cornfield?
Who gonna cut the grass?
I know you don't expect me
to sell no peanuts out this, bitch.
Shit remind me of slavery,
Roots and shit.
I don't play this, man.
Hey, what was that?
Annie! Crazy ho!
Only way I'm comin'
is if you got some females
and some chronic.
Then we all gonna be comin'.
That voice just now,
what was it?
- We didn't hear anything.
- You got some nice titties,
dog. Word.
What titties? What?
Okay, you must've heard that.
It's a good baseball field, Ray.
It's kinda pretty, isnt it?
Uh, yeah.
Told you.
Did not. No, you did not.
You been busy plowin my corn.
Mark of Buddha, my ass.
Look at you now-- dead, ashes.
Damn, Ivory.
After all these years
of blazin',
who would've thought
the last thing to wind up
smokin' would be your ass?
I'm gonna miss you, dog,
and I'm gonna
be thinkin' about you
while I'm taking them THC's.
And ifyou're really my boy,
you'll make sure I pass
that motherfucker, ya heard?
Thanks, Pops. Matter of
fact, what's up with that little--
Can I get a little--
Never mind. Forget it.
Rude-ass motherfucker.
Stingy bastard!
Early Girl.
Ooh, Ivory!
My, how you've grown!
Damn, Ivory!
I had no idea you could
stink so good, nigga!
Oh, hey, man,
get that car fixed, yo.
Bumbaclot, boy!
Cisco Kid
was a friend of mine
Man, get the fuck
outta here, man!
Look at this little-ass
bag of fuckin' weed!
Cisco Kid
Yes, Lord.
Ooh, damn!
He drink whiskey
Pancho drink the wine
Oh! Oh! Oh, shit!
My weed!
Oh! Oh!
No cigar? No!
Fuck! Fuck!
Bitch! Fuck! Fuck!
Bitch! Fuck!
To think that jammin'
was a thing of the--
Got blunt?
Got weed?
Man, that shit smell
good as hell, dog.
I'm Jamal.
Peace. Silas.
Say, you tryin' to
get somethin' to bring them
nerves down too, huh, bro?
Yeah, I figure if I study high,
take the test high, get high scores.
Look at that car.
Is it on fire?
Hit that, son.
This is the shit.
That shit is called Ivory.
It's the shit.
That's the Ivory.
That is the shit.
Hey, y'all
pass that, kid?
I just gave it to
the guy in the back, man.
Guy in the back?
What the fuck are you--
What's up, dog?
That's Ivory.
No, that's the Ivory, bro.
Ivory! Holy shit!
You got to be kiddin' me!
Yo, yo, you, Silas!
Chill out! Silas!
What the fuck is goin' on?
Ain't you supposed to be dead?
I am dead,
but this is what happens
when you smoke your boy.
Holy shit!
Man, let me try that!
Silas, relax.
Can we talk about
this in your car?
Can we talk about
this in your car?
Look. I know how you can
get hi gh scores.
I'm a ghost, ghost, ghost,
ghost, ghost, ghost.
Don't touch me, man.
It's me, dog.
What are you doin'?
You just runnin' the streets,
fuckin' with the livin'?
No, bro.
I'm just here for you.
But you gotta understand
people can only see me
when they smoke me.
I got all the answers.
I can consult with people.
Socrates, Nietzsche--
even the old dude
who made up this test.
That's bullshit.
I bullshit you not.
I told you I have your back,
even if I got hit by a bus.
Your ass didn't
even get hit by a bus.
I made it!
I can't feel my legs,
but I'm alive!
- And you predicted that shit?
- Yeah.
What are you doin' here?
You gonna hook me up
with a chick...
with no gag reflex
or some shit like that?
Even better. I'm gonna
be in there with you.
By the time I'm done with you,
every college in the country
will be knockin' at your door.
Ow! Shit!
Man, I must not
be high enough, man.
- He a ghost, man.
- Cool. That explains everything.
I'm up here tryin' to put
my fuckin' hand through the--
We've never had anybody,
let alone two people,
get a perfect score.
We either have
a one-in-six-billion
phenomenon or a cheat.
But it would have been
for either of you to cheat,
you had two totally different
versions of the test.
Congratulations. These scores
are going to get you into
any college in the country.
Yo, we still high
on that Ivory?
Dean, it's as simple as this.
The trustees
of the university
are riding my ass...
about getting some color
up at Harvard.
Excuse me?
Ethnic diversity.
The trustees seem to
think we need it.
How come we don't
have more minorities?
How should I know?
If we don't do something soon,
I might get fired.
What about Upchuck Kamalu?
He's Eskimo.
Why isn't he considered as a minority?
And I brought him in.
Yes, but it's breaking the bank
keeping his igloo frozen.
Dean, what about
those two guys I read about
from the tri-states?
They made perfect scores
on their THC's!
I saw those guys' pictures.
They look like mug shots!
I don't care. I want them!
At Reparations Technical Institute,
we offer a cornucopia of educational...
and business opportunities
for brothers and sisters
to pursue higher learning.
Read from the brochure,
Brothers, join us...
at Reparations Technical
Institute and learn hatred
for the white devil...
in a relaxed campus atmosphere,
where classes range...
from... to...
Hatred for the White Devil...
Advanced Hatred for the White Devil...
- Next!
- You think you're all hot tamales
right now, I'll tell you.
Why don't you come to the base
and understand what it's really
like to be somebody special?
You can work hard, you learn...
- and then you can build
refrigerators and such.
- Next!
- Taking a vow of celibacy,
- Next.
- frees your mind and your body.
- Next! Next!
Man, ain't it a lot
Of richie people up there?
Shit, I gotta roll up
that joint, dog.
Well, with test scores
like theses, you can
roll up any joint you want.
But Harvard, gentlemen,
is not just any joint.
It's an institution.
All I wanna do is develop
my herbal in a real lab...
and get some head
while I'm doin' it.
Well, we have
the finest botany department
in the world...
and a quality of life like no other--
music, artists and the women.
So, does it sound tempting?
Ivy League atmosphere?
A place where you can
really grow academically?
Shit, I fucks with ya.
Shit, I fucks
with you too.
- Is that good?
- Yes, that's a yes.
Then we'll fucks
with each other.
Then we'll fucks
with each other.
Eh, yo.
Alls look like they
still in high school, yo.
If there's grass
on the infield, play ball.
Where the fuck is
orientation at, anyway?
- What the fuck was that?
If I can pull off six years
at a community college,
I know I can
get at least 1 2 years
up in this motherfucker.
Yo, how much
of that Ivory shit
we got anyway?
We limited, all right?
We gonna have to
split this shit up.
You know what I'm sayin'?
We only blaze at test times.
What, no wake and bake?
Got other stuff for that.
Remember those artifacts
that I found this summer?
Well, I was right!
They are Ben Franklin's!
Did you figure out
where you wanna
eat dinner tonight?
Dinner? Bart, you know,
some of these things are--
They look like
earlier inventions,
and if I can discover
what these are,
it could be the greatest find
in the history of
anyone attending Harvard.
I love
Ben Franklin, girl,
and I could listen to you talk
about his stinkin' ass all day long.
Excuse me?
Oh, do anybody know where
the financial aid office is?
Well, my man,
let me think.
See that statue right there?
It's beautiful, isn't it?
That statue is in the likeness
of my great granddaddy Dooster,
so I'm guessin'
that would be
the Dooster House--
the financial aid office.
Gee, I don't think I've ever met anyone
who actually needed to go there.
All we did was come over
for directions.
If we came over here
and asked if anybody needed
their ass kicked,
you wouldn't sound
so fuckin' smug, now would you?
My bad, bro.
We got off on the wrong foot.
Let's start over.
I'm Bart.
Yeah, I'm Jamal.
Well, my friend, this is crew,
but don't even think about it.
You don't look like
you could hang, Jamaine.
The name's Jamal,
and I'll fuck your crew up.
Who are they?
Who are they, goddamn it?
It's rowing, Jimmy Jam.
Well, Bart-fart,
you got skills in it?
I'm captain
of the team.
If you can do it,
I can do it, sucker.
Right, goddamn it!
This isn't basketball,
J. Rock.
I train all year round
for three seasons to make
number one in single sculls.
You about to be number two,
'cause I'm signin' up, buddy.
Well, practice starts
tomorrow at 6?00 a.m.,
all right?
Fine! I don't mind
cutting my evening short
to be there.
As dean of freshmen,
I have welcomed students
from all over the world.
From Korea, from Rome...
Students enter Harvard
with a variety of goals.
Excuse me.
Are we in the right place?
-Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?
- You? You?
Uh, as I was saying,
Harvard isn't for everyone.
Oh, shit.
We got a black man
for a teacher.
That's what I'm talkin'bout.
What's up, bro? Hallo.
We straight, dog.
We straight.
- As I was saying--
- What's wrong with this ass?
He probably been locked up
more times than me
and your ass put together.
No green Jimmy the Cricket
suit-wearin' ass motherfucker.
No short Colin Powell haircut,
havin'-ass motherfucker.
Little Angela Davis moustache...
wearin-ass motherfucker!
You ol' Richard Pryor shortcut,
wearin motherfucker!
You little Sammy Davis
Award Junior afro-haircut-
havin-ass motherfucker!
Geti m!
You I ittle dynamite Disco Danny
You little dog-with-a-haircut--
If you don't mind,
I'd like you to sit down.
I would like to continue.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Watch your toes.
Watch the colon. Excuse me.
Thank you for your...
entertaining anecdotes.
We here at Harvard
are rooted in tradition.
Fuck is this?
- That's toilet water.
It's a part of my pledge.
Do you guys mind?
No, but do you mind
talkin' that way?
'Cause your breath smell like
straight ass-crack, bro.
Isn't there a hip-hop convention
you two should be at
or something?
- Oh, shark has fangs!
- Oh! Word. Hey, go easy on him.
We probably
the only blackheads he seen
since he looked in the mirror.
Can you guys just show
a little respect? Jeez!
- This class is fuckin' boring.
I'm outta here!
- Uh, excuse me.
Did I hear you say something?
With all due respect,
suck my dick.
No, sir,
I'm not saying anything.
It-- It's these guys.
- You're an asshole.
- Did you call me an asshole?
- No, I said idiot.
- An idiot?
No, sir.
What did you say?
- I said that this school
has nice halls.
- This is not funny.
You couldn't teach your way
out of kindergarten class, Dean.
I think we've had enough
interruptions for today.
I think you should leave!
This would never have happened
if I were black.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Better pull back
on those pedals, boy.
Maximum speed on campus
is 15 M.P.H.'s.
Fifty bucks?
Oh, man, I can't pay this.
This isn't even
a real ticket.
It's a student citation.
I'm a volunteer.
You need to pay that
by Friday at 5:00--
That was uncalled for.
Eat me.
You just earned yourself
another citation.
Fuck off!
Well, well, well.
Look who we have here.
Damn, this bike phat as hell!
Whoa! Don't touch!
All right, leave the bike alone.
Did you just call me fat?
And what is that stench?
That's my cologne
Can only buy it from Mennen.
I don't know what that is.
Forewarning, gentlemen:
You better watch your mouths
and your behind.
See, I'm lookin' for the ecstasy.
I'm lookin' for the pot.
Oh, yeah.
I'm lookin' for those shrooms.
Shit, we lookin'
for that shit too!
What are you talkin' about?
Same thing you talkin' about.
What are we talkin' about?
Look, Gerald.
Either your holdin',
or go to your little roadster
and move the fuck on, okay?
It's Volunteer Officer Pickelstein,
and I am watching you.
Oh, I'm watching you--
like a hawk.
Like a hawk!
Somebody needs a hug.
Don't worry, baby.
You can suck my dick
after class.
Oh! Wow!
Oh, she wants me.
Welcome to Lovell House.
You look funky fresh,
and funky fresh...
always likes
funky fresh women.
Amir: Professional student/
resident advisor for you.
And professional player.
So, what's mine is yours,
and what's yours
I've probably already had.
You and you and me,
we're the same: Africa tan.
- The original man
was like us, man.
- Whatever, nigga.
I believe in the Fly Club,
its traditions and its ideals.
I believe in the-- Excuse me.
Do you have to play that loud?
- I'm trying to study
my pledge book.
- This Niggas With Attitude.
If you smart, you
tell people you love NWA.
They think you cool.
A coupla notes
get you hogtied and roped
Dope like guns
Why you wear smelly eggs?
These eggs
are a part of my pledging.
I am getting thousands
of lifetime connections here.
I'm gonna be
a part of a fraternity.
Hey, hey, hey!
What's up?
What's up?
Oh, God.
One glove, my brothers!
I am Tuan, child prodigy.
Well, I'm Jamal,
a pothead.
Silas, entrepre-Negro.
Jamal! Oh!
Fresh gear, man!
You like?
I designed it myself.
I call it "BF. "
- Oh, no. Not you two!
Pink-ass Paul Bunyan
Man, I'll fuck your ass up.
Shut up.
Okay, but if you two
are our roommates, who's that?
That's I Need Money!
Okay, but,
what's his name?
I Need Money!
- Doesn't talk. How come he?
- I Need Money, he's a mute.
When we first hooked up,
he wrote on a slip of paper
I Need Money.
I said, Shit! Me too,
and we started makin' it
together after that.
- Where he stayin'?
- Harvard.
Lovell House.
Second Floor,
right on the couch.
But he's smoking in our room.
That's not legal.
Just be cool,
And you might have some fun
this semester.
NWA? Kid, what do you
know about that?
Yeah, yeah.
I love Niggers With Attitudes.
I repeat, nobody...
- drops the N-bomb up in here.
- Nobody.
- That go for you too.
- Hey, I am down with you, man.
You East coast,
I Far East coast.
I'm from Wisconsin.
Yo, fresh and funky.
Dean Cain wants to
see you in his office.
Don't be late.
Gentlemen, this institution
has graduated...
Fortune 500 C.E.O.'s,
and 6 presidents.
Hey, Dean...
where's all them fly-ass
women the chancellor
was talkin' about?
I mean, so far,
I only seen some stuck-up,
women out there.
You were dropping Chee-tos...
You were dropping Chee-tos...
on an original 18th-century
handwoven tapestry!
You mean, this carpet?
This is out of
my personal collection.
I got this in
my travels to Nepal!
Man, I know the bitch
that make these rugs.
You know Juanita.
- Yeah, I remember that bitch.
- It means the world to me!
Now, as I was saying,
here at Harvard...
we have very high standards.
Any student on a scholarship...
must maintain
at least a 2.0 average,
or you will be expelled.
It's good to know
we have the support
of the faculty, Dean.
And don't you worry.
Me and Jamal here,
- we're all about good grades.
- Is that right, Mr. King?
Hell, motherfuck--
I mean, yes, sir,
Dean Cain, sir.
Slam, slam, brother
My brother
Is that the one
that you want
Slam, slam, brother
My brother, is that
the one that you want
Now, how is carbon dioxide
changed into oxygen?
Plants, dick!
God ! You guys!
Jamal. Jamal. Jamal.
Sleepyhead, wake up!
I got somethin'
for your ass.
Come on, gentlemen!
Pick it up if you want to be
part of this squad!
Whew! What took
y'all guys so long?
Coach, I have not lost
an oar run in three years.
I'm wonderin'
if this guy cheated.
Man, fuck you!
Why is fuckin' Dick Butt-kiss
over here always ridin' me?
Dick Butt-kiss?
Did you hear that, Coach?
He's cursing!
Bart, I think you'd better
go open up the boathouse.
But, Coach!
I don't think
you wanna see this.
You, here.
Come here. Come here!
Nice comeback
on the Dick Butt-kiss.
I wish I could have said that.
His parents have been
driving me crazy, making my life
a misery for years,
but they give lots of money
to the university.
I have to go to those
lousy cocktail parties.
She has lousy perfume,
and he has a lousy toupee.
you keep throwing zingers
to this jerk-off,
and you're gonna
make the team, son.
And let that
be a lesson to you!
This is the last time!
All right,
rookies, push-ups!
Get down!
Yo, what's up
with the fast stroll?
Can I holler?
The role played...
by the African-Americans
in the history of this country...
has been largely unnoticed.
Of course,
history is the record
of an account of the past,
but the issue here is,
who is recording the account?
If it's Snowflake, Whitey...
Peckeoods, Cracker,
well, we got Cleopatra
looking like Elizabeth Taylor,
Jesus looks like a hippie in a dashiki.
But if it's one of my proud
black people that's doing
the recording of the account--
Yo, Silas!
Well, we might have
Moses looking like...
this fine black man
right here.
But black people
don't get any credit.
I'm sore as a motherfucker, man.
Who invented
the air conditioner?
A black man.
What's up, dogs?
Yo, son,
I'm sore as a bitch in here.
And you know what else?
I'm gonna have to knock that
Bart character the fuck out.
Once again, a black man.
Can't this wait till
after class? You're supposed
to be in here anyway.
This is Black History.
Black History?
Man, it look like
all the black students that
was in here are history, nigga.
- Shh!
- You tellin' me to shh?
Fuck history.
Oh, that's right.
- Fuck history.
- Yeah, fuck history.
I'm Mr. Moses. I expect you'll
be ready for your quiz tomorrow.
Quiz, my ass!
The white man teachin'
Black History, anyway,
that's some bullshit.
I'm goin' to lunch,
take a nice long shit.
That's the kind of attitude
I like to hear.
And, uh, where are you going?
Um, we didn't land
on Plymouth Rock.
Plymouth Rock landed on us.
Ooh, all right!
Malcolm X!
I'm glad someone's
appreciating the knowledge
I'm dropping on you today.
What about you two?
Why don't yo walk out
and protest with your brothers?
Walk out on me! What are
you doing sitting there?
You look like Whitey.
You look like a couple
of goddamn Uncle Toms!
Walk on out!
That's right,
get up and move!
You should lynch me!
Lynch me for what my people
have done to your people.
Stand up for your rights
Move on up! Move on up!
Go, go, go, go.
Hey, what's up?
Bicycle, bicycle
Hey, what's
going on here?
He took my baby!
Bring my baby back!
Bike, bike
Not my baby! Oh, God!
Oh, please, God!
Come back!
Bicycle, bicycle
Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle
Oh, no!
Oh, my God! My wheels!
Oh, my horn!
Please dont back up!
Please dont back up!
Hey, you!
Where's E I m and Third?
Don't go forward!
Not forward!
- That's not yours!
- Look at these, bro!
No, don't putem in--
Oh, my baby!
Can anyone tell me the name
Of this plant? Bart?
Oh, yeah. It's a, uh,
hanging rubber plant.
It's indigenous to the wet drylands
of the Northern Hemisphere.
Yeah, right, Bart.
Would you bet money on that?
Or is that like below
the Dooster Principle?
Yeah, I'll bet on it.
How about an S.U.V.?
I got three ofem.
And the survey says,
"You lose."
It's a neem plant,
Oui. It is,
but how did you
know that, Silas?
I had this
nasty-ass rash once.
Put a little
neem plant on it,
cleared it up in an hour.
- I even smoked it before.
- Well, that figures.
One thing it doesn't cure, though?
Bein' a spoiled little bitch.
I'd like you all to do
an experiment on a plant,
something that
may benefit mankind.
And if you devise
something groundbreaking,
I guarantee you
an "A " in this course.
Class dismissed.
Good work, everyone.
Keep up the good work.
Thank you.
So, he likes plants, does he?
I see still waters run deep.
Please believe.
But wait till you see
my presentation.
You gonna love me after that.
So, Lauren,
you might as well tell him now
and get it over with.
You know.
How you said...
you're startin' to see Bart
for the shallow bastard that he is,
and eventually you're gonna
leave his ass for me.
This semester in Women's Studies,
we will discuss...
how women are objectified
in popular culture,
while the masculine bastards
exploit women's ideas
for great profit,
- then take all the credit.
# I just wanna touch you
tease you, lick you #
- You have the most amazing...
# Please you, love you, hold you #
Yes, I do.
# Make love to you #
# And I'm gonna kiss you
Suck you #
# Taste you, ride you
Feel you deep inside me
Hell, yeah.
So you're playin
grabby-ass again, huh?
- Ma!
- Did you wash your ass today?
Aah! Aah!
Damn, Ma! Stop, Ma!
You hi gh yet?
Hell, no, man.
Maybe not high enough.
Where the hell is he?
Maybe I ain't
hit it hard enough.
What are you doin' in there?
Droppin' your kids off at the pool?
Oh, shit.
Hey, what's up, J?
Give me five.
Yo, I hate it
when you do that.
I love that funny shit.
- What took you so long, man?
- Biggie and Pac, they throwin'
a party, man.
Open bar all night, man.
Everything was cool, man,
till Marvin Gaye
came in there trippin'.
- Marvin Gaye?
- Yeah.
Listen, man, we got a test
in about five minutes.
What's that got to do with me?
I know you ready. You studied for it.
Ready? We ain't studied--
Come on, son.
You've got
a golden opportunity here...
to make somethin' of yourself,
and you just throwin' it away?
- It's time for you to learn a lesson.
- Come on, Ive.
I'm out, man.
Don't play!
Yo, talk to your boy.
Why you go and tell him
we ain't studied for the test?
Damn all that!
You should've thought about
all that before you got us--
What's up!
I was just fuckin'
with you, man.
Come on, son.
This is some good shit.
You know you my boy, man.
C, Silas. Come on, man.
It's Portuguese.
J, what are you doin'?
Trust me.
I got all the answers.
You just told me that answer.
A, French.
Definitely the French.
Goddamn virgins.
At least y'all
bein' entertained.
I ain't seen a stitch of pussy
on this whole campus.
The chickens are not
clucking around here.
You've come to the right place.
I've been an undergrad for 1 2 years.
I know everything there is to know
about Ivy League women.
Twelve years?
Damn, kid.
Your people payin'
for all this shit?
A drop in the bucket, sucker.
I remain here solely for the purpose of...
hooking up
with Harvard women--
short ones, tall ones,
skinny ones, chunky ones.
Man, I'd love me a fat chick, man.
More cushion for the pushin'.
Yes. I want to boldly go
where no man has gone before.
I am an explorer.
I see you are very much
liking to explore S. T.D.s
also, my friend.
That shit on your lip
got some shit on
its lip, dog.
Is that why no puff-puff?
Pass the dutchie, my friends.
This is nothing!
I cut myself shaving.
Yeah, whatever.
We need to start
importin' some ho's.
Molly, get in here!
You have to see this!
Oh, my!
Look at those muscles!
- He is quite attractive.
- Indeed.
I think there's some freak
in those gigs.
Here we go.
Don't get the wrong idea.
We've never done this before.
We're virgins.
No, you're not.
- Yes, we are. Yes!
- Nah!
No, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes.
No, no, no!
Yes, yes, yes!
Oh, yeah!
Oh! Oh!
Why do good girls
like bad guys
Hey, bro, change for a 20?
Hey yo, Boo
like bad guys
Good girls
Showin' that bad guys
Showin that thigh
And why do
want a honey with class
Dog niggaz
Sometimes you want more
than just a honey with ass
Hey, yo, who would ever think
that the two would go good
Got an A-pl us,
my nigga.
Who is that?
- That is all me, G.
- That's the vice president's daughter,
as in vice president
of the United States.
Jamal, you don't want that.
Them girls only know three words:
stop, no and don't.
Uh-oh, my brother.
You got those words backwards.
They always tell me,
No, don't stop!
Excuse me.
Player, player.
We are about to tighten
this ass up right here.
She's got
this long, black hair
It's a-hangin'
on down her back
Long, black, pretty legs
and she walks just like a cat
Hypnotic eyes
and a stacked-up love sack
She not only wants your love
she wants your life after that
Dont do it
Dont give your love to sexy Ida
'Cause she's a sister
of the black widow spider
Sorry, sir.
Jamie's not accepting
any male callers at this time.
Man, I ain't callin'.
I'm right here.
Cedric, step aside.
What's your name?
I'm Jamal.
You ever been
arrested, Jamal?
Uh, no.
Ever busted up your
mother's house and slapped her
when she asked you about it?
Oh, hell, no!
You ain't my type.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Hold! Hold! Hold!
I once got arrested
for stealin' a car one time,
but my mother
dropped the charges.
Well, it's not a felony,
but maybe we can work with that.
- I didn't mean to scare you.
Can I come in?
- Um--
Sure, come on in.
Move my things.
There you go.
You can sit there.
Thank you.
How very thoughtful.
You'll have to pardon my dust.
I've got a lot of artifacts
and delicate things down here.
What's this shit?
Looks old.
Oh, it is old.
It's over 200 years old.
I, um, sort of
discovered it.
You discovered
all this crazy shit.
You a straight-up genius, girl.
Well, I don't know
about all that.
I do know it's Ben Franklin's.
I just don't know what it is.
But I was thinking
that it could be like
this old Revolutionary cannon...
or a telescope, or--
Whatever it is,
this shit is hot.
Let me ask you
How'd you hook up
with that Bart dude?
I've known Bart
all my life,
and if it weren't
for his family,
I probably wouldn't be here.
Isn't that... sweet?
Look, you got a little
somethin' on your dress.
- My eyes.
- Aha!
Bart, honey, sweetie,
you are just in time...
because I've just
finished studying.
I didn't know the two of you
were studying in here,
alone, with the lights dimmed,
drinking beer!
Look, Silas, I know
What you're trying to do.
You're trying to frick her!
Whatever, Bart-kowski.
Listen, I was just admiring
your girl's, uh, thing.
Oh, well, I guess
I should say thanks.
This is a part
of history, man.
Your girl is doin' somethin'
I think you need to recognize.
- Yeah? So?
- Listen, I'm out.
Um, maybe next time
I'll get to study with you.
"Peace" is meant to explain
a state of tranquility.
So why don't you try
thinking of another way
to say good-bye,
now that you're amongst
civilized people?
Well, Mr. Civilized,
peace can also be used
as a request,
greeting or farewell.
So try to find another way
to be an asshole--
if you don't know
your grammar, that is.
Okay, Bart!
Can I get my stuff?
It was near
the medical library.
I think they said
it was one of those
tick-tocky, blow-uppy,
exploding thingy,
pipe bomb thing-things.
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you. You too.
All righty. Bye.
"Dooster Principle, "
Man, my grandmother would
love this shit in her garden.
Outta here.
Locked on, boys.
Look out!
That statue was priceless.
It means everything to our family.
Will you stop your
damn sniveling, son?
Buck up, Bart!
Buck up!
Yo, do you think
they gonna find out
we stole the Dooster statue?
Hell, no.
Oh, my God.
I knew it.
You guys stole
the Dooster!
They do what?
Fellas, I think it's time
we all sat down and kicked it.
No, no,
I'm not kicking anything.
I have a pledge meeting to go to
and haven't greased myself up.
God, I just don't get
you guys.
There's a lot of things in life
your ass just don't get.
Yeah, like pussy
and respect.
I heard that.
See, the system
is geared to put...
most of the wealth
into the hands of a few.
Rich weapons,
poor schooling.
Yeah, that's for sure.
Yeah, for sure.
Y'all don't know shit.
I'm gonna learns you, though.
I'm gonna learns you.
Dwarves, midgets,
motherfuckin' unicorns.
Them motherfuckers don't wanna
see a black man make it.
Know what I mean?
For sure.
Know what I mean?
And I'll tell you
somethin' else.
Oh, what you missed this
You got to bear witness
Catch a ho and another ho
Merry Christmas
Yes, I smoke shit
Straight off the roach clip
I roll shit, fold the blunt
at once to approach it
For sure.
Forward motion
Make you sway like the ocean
Forward motion
Make you sway like the ocean
The herb is more than
just a powerful potion
What's the commotion
Word up, young M C.
You're just in time
to help cheer us to victory.
Young MC.
Bart, you know,
I think you keep
getting funnier every day.
You ain't gonna be laughin'
in a minute, motherfucker.
Jamal. Bart, I've decided
since you and Jamal
are my two best athletes,
I want you up against Yale.
You can't just
change the line up!
That's against the rules!
What rules? Who cares?
Do you guys care
about the rules?
There you go.
In the far lane, we have Yale.
In the near lane,
we have Harvard.
On your mark, get set--
And they're off!
It's a clean start.
What are you doing,
Hip-Hop Hooray? Paddle!
Paddle like a man!
Shoot the J!
Get diggy with it. Something.
They're blowin' Harvard's ass
out of the water.
Jamal, what is your ass
doin' rowin' a boat?
- You supposed to be in class.
- Who the hell
is that woman in the sky?
- I don't know.
- What's the matter?
- You been smokin'
too much ganja, huh?
- She's huge!
I guess you might as well
come back home and live with me.
- Oh, hell, no!
- Did you cuss at me?
Row, motherfucker, row!
Yes, Dean Cain.
Am I to believe this is correct?
Jamal and Silas
have gotten all A's?
I'll call you back.
How you doin', Dean?
How you doin'? How you been?
I see you're
checkin' out my gear, eh?
- Pretty tight, right?
- Actually, it's rather baggy.
No, man.
It's fat, dope, cool.
It's BUFU, man.
Bill, what has happened to you?
Sit down and take off those glasses.
All righty.
Tell me,
how is Jamal doing?
Oh, fine.
He's coming along.
Now, listen,
Jamie's father is having
an upcoming election,
and it won't look good
if she's involved with someone
from the lower class.
Isn't Jamie a freshman?
All right.
So you want me to tell Jamal
to stop seeing Jamie.
Well, I could that,
but he'll tell me, Hey, man--
Fuck you.
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Point well taken.
I need you
to help me get proof...
that Jamal
is diddling Jamie.
Oh, I see now, yes.
It's all good, yeah.
I'll go holler at him, son.
Oh, yeah.
Bill, did you
just call me son?
Stroke, smoke.
Stroke, smoke.
Stroke, smoke.
Stroke, smoke.
Stroke, smoke.
Hey, Dean Cain think
he can kick me out
the school that easy?
- He got another thing comin'.
- What an asshole.
Hey, Coach, thanks a lot, man.
I owe you.
Listen, Jamie.
Me and you cannot see
each other no more.
No more datin',
no more foolin' around.
None of that.
It stop. That's it.
Yes, it's probably better
If we stop seeing each other...
for the sake of
my father's campaign.
If he lost the election
and it was my fault,
gosh, golly,
that would be so hard on me.
I don't think I could
live with myself.
Look, baby, maybe it would be
better if you went to school
somewhere down south.
I think you should
go down south first.
This guy's a real asshole.
I cant.
I cant do it, all right?
Bring your ass over here!
We got work to do before
Dean Dickhead gets back.
Come on!
Aren't you worried about
getting kicked out?
For this? He ain't gonna
never find out. Relax.
What happened to bird?
Crazy shitting everywhere?
Crazy shit, all right,
and it will be everywhere.
- With that, they just won't shit.
- Yeah.
They're gonna blow up.
And, as for you two,
ever since
you arrived on this campus,
there's been several mishaps.
Now my instincts tell me it's you,
but I can't prove it-- not yet.
But I know if
I give you enough time,
pretty soon
you're going to slip up,
and then I'll be able to send you back
to your miserable existence.
What the hell
Are you wearing?
Buy us, fuck you!
Get out!
Out! Out! Out! Out!
Buy us, fuck you.
If the chancellor throwin'
a Halloween party,
wait till Harvard
see our Halloween party!
Yeah, but if Dean Cain
find out about this shit,
he gonna be mad
What the fuck is he gonna do?
We've got the Ivory.
We're gettin' straight A's.
We've got this motherfucker
locked up.
They look like they got money.
Oh, he kinda cute.
Girl, we gonna get paid!
Ooh, how you doin'?
For real!
End-table ass!
Hella Back!
Where the party at?
We're tryin' to get a party on.
We havin' a party--
costume party
at the Lovell House.
Please bring your ass
and titties along with you.
- We want all the ho's
out here to come.
- Did you just call us ho's?
- I meant that in a good way.
- Oh, okay.
Bring all your horny friends.
There you go. Just bring all the ho's.
Y'all gonna pay us, right?
- I don't hear nothin'.
- Yeah, we got dough.
Yeah, we got dough.
If not, our best friends got dough.
And if not,
they best friends got dough.
Yeah, we down with that.
Ballers and stuff gonna be there?
Ass, titties, ballers.
Go, girl, go!
We gonna be there.
All right!
Popcorn player.
I got one more delivery
to make.
Guess who used to be black.
Dean Cain.
But he is black.
Like a polar bear,
but I got a recipe...
that'll inject some ghetto
back in his ass.
Got some more beer.
What did you do to yourself?
Oh, oh, the Fox Club.
They put me in a shopping cart
and shoved me down a hill.
Thank God I fell out
before I hit the freeway.
What the fuck you doin'?
Put the milk back! You're not
supposed to steal from us!
Why are you always taking
violent tones with people?
Man, shut up
before I kick your ass.
As human beings, we should
be able to talk this out,
not resort to violence.
How you gonna talk
when you shuttin' up?
Fine! Fine!
You want some violence?
You want a piece of this?
Come on! I'll show you
some violence! Come on!
Ow! Oh, God!
Now go to time-out.
Go to your room.
I wonder who this could be.
Oh, my goodness.
Honey, look at this.
I wonder
who these are from.
Dear Carl, saw these
and thought of you.
Love, Mrs. Ray.
It's my old schoolmarm!
I haven't heard from her
in years!
Oh, how sweet.
She knows
I love brownies.
Mmm! A little piece
of heaven.
Better than mine?
Darling, I don't remember
you cooking brownies.
You're right, I don't.
Hurry up, darling,
you're going to make us late,
and you know I hate to be late.
All right.
I'll take these upstairs.
I'll have another one.
They're great.
This is how we do it
Throw me a beer,
you big weenie!
- This is how we do it
- Whoo!
Lovell House!
Life is hell.
What up, fellas?
What's up?
- How was the trip?
- Good. Good.
I see Monks couldn't make it,
so I brought my man
I Need Money.
- Is he any good?
- He don't talk.
He speaks with his hands.
Right, right.
You have a good show.
I'm out.
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't fuck up tonight,
all right?
What the fuck
is the plate for, man?
Gonna be a long night.
You know Miss Jenowitz
from the Chemistry Department,
Nice to see you.
and Miss Lovell
from Administration.
And of course
you know my wife Sheila.
I almost didn't recognize you.
I thought you'd brought
a professional model.
You look lovely.
Oh, Philip!
- Yeah, the bitch is fine, isn't she?
- What?
Dear, can you at least
feign some interest?
You're embarrassing me.
And will you loosen up?
You're so stiff sometimes.
Bart, this party is stiff.
Excuse me, can you hold this?
I'm hot.
Can you put this
back on, actually?
Your butt is sticking out.
- What?
- What a jerk!
Don't spoil your appetite, Dean.
We're about to have
some lobster bisque...
and Indian pudding
that doesn't stop.
I got the munchies
like a motherfucker.
Hold this, baby.
He seems unusual tonight.
He's dehydrated.
Yo, baby,
this is boring as hell.
Yo, yo, yo, yo, deejay !
Hit me!
Come here, girl!
Yeah, yeah, yeah
You two stay put.
I'm gonna hurt you!
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.
Yo, J. Yo, T.
See those two
fine ass ho's right there?
Don't you wish
they were really ho's...
and they came over here
and said,
We want to run a dick-sucking
marathon with y'all two?
Oh, yeah. I'd like that.
Me too!
Mm, okay.
You and you.
We wanna run
a dick-suckin' marathon
with y'all.
Okay. I'm not
that good at it.
Oh, baby, I ain't laughin'.
I'm gonna make you mine.
- Smells good.
- Ooh, you pretty boy-lookin'
Hey, don't be scared.
It's only pussy.
Don't be scared.
I got two inches of hard dick!
I'll work with you, baby.
Come on.
"Costume party.
Place: Lovell House,
Time: Friday. "
It is Friday.
But that's what
she told Cocoa Butter.
These bitches
better be gettin' my money.
Hella Back is my bottom bitch.
You know that, right?
Right. Powder.
Bitch better be out here
checkin' my motherfuckin' money.
Don't cuss when I'm tryin'
to listen to the Word.
The Lord don't like that.
- What did I say?
- You said bitch,
and bitch ain't in the Bible.
I know, bitch,
and neither is motherfucker.
So drive this motherfuckin' car.
And you an assistant pimp.
You ain't even a real pimp.
So you supposed to be cosigning
to the shit that I say.
You wanna lose your job,
I will pull your motherfuckin'
Now let's practice it.
Where's my bitches?
Where's my bitches?
Where's my bitches?
Where's my bitches?
You gotta say it together.
It goes in together.
Where's my bitches?
Okay, check this out.
Where my bitches?
Can't we just
say employees?
What about your employees?
No, fuck that!
Oh, yeah! Great ass!
# Box up just like bein'
in your chest, thinks she got
away, don't hold your breath #
# Spinnin' on a track
with Red and Meth #
# Open up a fat one and smoke up
the sess, see these, we
the ones with the Wheaties #
# Treadin' on them all
Come on, believe me, look who
it is with the hockey feel #
# Look, an assassin
from Cypress Hill
DJ just resonated #
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Oh, Silas, hi.
Hey, hey.
Um, let me ask you a question.
Now don't laugh. But, um--
Does my ass look fat?
Put another one
on the front just like it,
I'll slap both
them motherfuckers.
Badow! Badow!
Here. Peer pressure,
peer pressure, peer pressure.
Come on.
Let me holler at you.
All right.
Oh, that's my song!
What's this?
Ooh, you got a big sword, baby!
I-I have to go prepare.
Oh, you ain't got to
do shit, baby,
except climb out of this costume
and climb into some pussy, baby.
You have to appreciate
the colorful use
of English language.
- Oh, yeah!
- Wait, give me
that Chinese egg roll fuck!
I love America!
# And sing along
to my hip-hop song, had you
chokin' off of a bong #
# Cypress Hill and we can't
go wrong, people smokin
like Cheech and Chong #
Let it be something
he is involved in, and I better
be the biggest cheerleader.
He is a huge baby.
Yeah, I hear you
with your fine ass.
But pass the blunt, boo.
Damn, you hoggin'
the whole shit!
I'm sorry.
Whoa, I must be buzzed.
I'm babbling.
You know, you surprised me
by getting high.
You know, you surprised me
by getting high.
I'm not that much
of a square, Silas.
I did do it once in high school.
What about you?
We all have secrets.
Well, if you act right,
I might just let you
in my head one day.
But I ain't sayin' shit
on the first date.
Who said this was a date?
You smoked my weed, didn't you?
And we almost kissed, didn't we?
We did not.
Yes, we did.
We did not.
Here, hit this.
Oh, my bad.
Did I spoil the moment?
I can't help it, girl.
You know what?
Them shits
was talkin' to me.
You know what?
Oh, my God, look at them.
Turn the headlights off.
Stop it!
I'm gonna tell you something.
This pimpin' that I got
came from a family tree.
My granddaddy was a pimp.
My great-great-great-granddaddy
was a pimp.
I'm talkin' about
pimpin' been since pimpin'...
since been pimpin'
since been pimpin'.
It's in your bloodline.
It's in my blood,
and you will never be that.
- W-W-W-Why?
- Because, you was born,
all the people in your family
were assistant pimps.
You's a pimp.
I never deny you that.
I thought you was the one
the Lord chose.
If it had not been for the Lord,
I would not have had
not a bitch come into my life.
Goddamn, not a--
Not a hell, not a bitch.
Nobody say that now nothin'
like you say that now nothin'.
Not a now, not a bitch.
I still don't know
what that shit mean,
but it sound good!
Now nothin' mean
don't get a now nothin'.
Now nothin'.
A now nothin' nothin' now.
- Bitch, shut up
and drive this fuckin' car.
# Y'all gonna make me
lose my mind #
# Up in here, up in here #
# Y'all gonna make me
go all out #
# Up in here, up in here #
# Y'all gonna make me
act the fool #
# Up in here, up in here #
#Y'all gonna make me
lose my cool #
Raging party
with open beer cans in hallway.
What's this?
Oh! Oh!
Sterilize hands tonight
with antibacterial cream
many times.
What do we have here?
Multi-socket extension cubes.
This is against campus
fire code section 1743
"Thou shalt not allow
multi-socket extension cubes
in dorm rooms. "
The extension cords themselves
are intertwined...
in the most flammable of ways,
and they're producing
an immense amount of heat.
They could cause an ignition
at any point and igni--
# I smack him with my dick
and the mike #
# Y'all niggaz is characters
Not even good actors #
# Hmm, let's add up
all the factors
# You wack, you're twisted
your girl's a ho, you broke
the kid aint yours #
Well, I'll be damned.
What is that?
It's just a baby.
This ain't no damn baby.
What kind of shit is that
hangin' out the back?
I need to get her home.
Excuse me.
How's it going, Mad Hatter?
Come on.
# Y'all gonna make me
act the fool #
# Up in here, up in here #
We gonna kill
these motherfuckin' bitches,
Hey, look at them
bitches here. Look.
Hey, little baby bitch.
You little bitch,
you better get up off of me.
Where's my bitches?
Yo, what's up, homies?
Where my bitches at?
Where our bitches?
You got the voice down,
but those outfits no good.
What's wrong with my shit?
Homey, please.
Your Halloween costume.
If you pimp, you broke pimp.
You know you
fucked up, Woody.
Come on with it.
Baby powder?
What smell that is?
You changing diapers? Ah!
What the fuck is all this?
What y'all three bitches want?
- Tell them, Powder!
- We already got pussy.
Y'all come back later.
I'm about to knock you
the fuck out.
I'm gonna do the knocking out.
Come on with it.
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Where you going?
You gotta stay.
little motherfucker!
Plus, there's no room
in the limo!
I'll be back for you, man.
You ain't gonna need that.
- The cops!
Somebody owes me
for one night's worth of
flat-back fuckin' up in here!
This is exhilarating.
But don't get the wrong idea.
Megan and I have never done
anything like this before.
We're virgins. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, both of us.
Molly and I are really into
D'Angelo. Do you have any?
Ain't that a--
Hell, no, we ain't got no--
And while you're
sittin' in this car,
you don't run shit.
- Tell them, Powder.
- Dick drive this car, not pussy.
- Oh, you think it's funny, bitch?
This is pimpin' here.
I been on Wheel of Fortune,
Price is R--
- Oh, bitch. Come on with it.
- You'd rather piss eau de crude
than piss off Powder.
Oh, that's fine.
Keep on laughin'.
Bring your face over here.
- Pay that shit.
Wow. Ooh.
Man, ain't no more.
All of Ivory's ashes
was in just that plant.
Now let's go see what this
Dean Stick Up His Ass want.
He probably gonna curse us out
about that wild-ass party.
Man, that party
was not that wild.
Yeah, it did get
a little out of hand.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Sex novelties,
obscenity, fighting,
indecent exposure,
rock bands,
without a permit.
Welcome, gentlemen,
to academic probation.
Damn, who gonna be our P.O.?
How charmingly ghetto.
You're dismissed.
We ain't got no Ivory,
we about to get kicked
the fuck out of here...
and what the fuck
are you doin'?
Oh, I'm workin'
on my truth serum.
Why you gotta sound
all belligerent about
my shit anyway?
Yeah, belligerent.
As in abusive or truculent.
Yo, you keep on usin' them
big-ass Harvard words,
and your ghetto pass
is gonna get revoked, buddy.
Why don't you go pick up
a book or something?
If I get this shit right,
I get an A in botany class.
- Ah, motherfucker.
- When I was 12,
I used to love watching
my dogs hump.
- We used to have a good time.
- Whoa!
- Ah!
Oh, oh, oh!
- What the fuck is that?
I'm gonna have to tweak
this shit a little.
Me hungry.
I say we burn them books,
go to that graveyard,
find us a smart dead guy
and smoke his skeleton ass.
We sit down, blaze up,
hit the books
for a few hours a day,
we got this.
I'm tellin' you.
We don't need no smart dead guy.
Woo, hoo, hoo, hoo!
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Light that shit up.
Hit them books!
# One, two,
One, two, three, yeah #
# In-slum-national underground
Thunder pounds when I stomp
the ground #
# Like a million elephants
with silverback orang-utans
You cant stop a train #
# Sittin in a drop-top
soakin wet, in a silk suit
tryin not to sweat #
# Hittin somersaults without
the net, but this'll be the
year that we wont forget #
# One nine nine nine
ano domi ni, anything goes #
# Dont pull the thang out
Unless you plan to bang #
# Bombs over Baghdad
Yeah, yeah #
# Dont even bang unless
you plan to hit something #
# Bombs over Baghdad
These are our midterms?#
See what I'm sayin?
See what I'm sayin?
All "F's, " son.
We are fucked.
Fucked, fucked, fucked, fucked!
How did I fail
women's studies?
I love bitches!
What are we doing?
Looking for
a smart dead guy.
Well, guys, hey!
This guy 'll do.
He's a president.
Yeah, he should know
all the fuckin' answers.
What are you talking about?
Wait, no, no, no! You can't
dig up somebody's grave!
That's disgusting!
You guys don't think
that there's anything wrong
with this?
Huh? You guys are fucked up!
What are you gonna do
with this now?
Ah, shit!
Oh, God!
Stop actin' like
a little bitch!
Get the body.
What the fuck
are you doing?
Get the body. You should
have some more respect
for an ex-president, asshole.
Come on.
Put this shit on your back.
Oh, God, no!
Get up before I smack
the shit out of you.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, my God. It's so good.
Fly! Go fly!
Yo, Silas.
What's up, dog?
- Whoa, who are you?
Do you see me?
- Relax! Relax!
- Open, window! Open, window!
Yo, what the fuck
are we gonna do now?
Fuck you think we gonna do?
We gonna smoke his ass,
then we gonna start
askin' questions.
Wait a minute. Didn't
you put the ashes in the soil
before you grew the plant?
We ain't got no time for that
shit. We gotta grind him now.
Get this arm.
No, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
This is
a motherfuckin' president, man.
What the fuck are we doin'?
You wanna stay in Harvard
or what?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
I Need Money,
did you check him for any
jewelry or money or anything?
Fuck all that, man.
Listen, I'm cuttin'
this arm now.
Get the arm!
Get the arm, man.
Y'all calm down!
We got this. Calm down.
This is insane.
- Oh, shit!
You is a nasty
I can't smoke a finger!
- This shit's not workin'.
Hey, what up, bros?
I didn't know that you guys
were gonna be here.
I saved your plant.
What did you do to it?
This is a special plant.
- I know.
- You stole our plant!
Damn right, he stole your plant.
Yo, Silas, this idiot smoked up
all the plant.
You're gonna have to study
on your own. Damn, they can't
hear me or see me. Tellem!
Well, you know, someone else
was breakin' in here,
so I caught them
and you can give me a reward,
like more of the plant.
Man, we ain't got no more
goddamn plant!
Hoggin' all the good shit.
- Wait. Ivory here?
- Yeah, maybe.
- Repeat after me.
- Repeat after me.
Yo, dog.
Yo, zog.
- Dog.
- og.
You idiot.
You idiot!
I'm disappearin'.
I'm disappearing.
- What?
- What?
- What?
- What?
- What?
This reminds me
of my lab back at the crib.
I have some of the same stuff.
How'd you get that?
- I stole it.
- Just place them
on the wall there.
Um, well, well, well.
Never thought
I'd find you two ghetto asses
up in here studying.
- Ghetto asses?
- Oh, did I say that?
Oh, it must be the effects
of the brownies you sent me.
They must still be in my system.
how's the project coming?
Fine. As a matter of fact,
I'm going to check on that
right now.
- You know, I got to go.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- You know, I got to go.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Yo, Dean.
Yo, why you gotta be a hater?
Oh, yes, I'm a hater.
I hate pot-smoking punks...
that think that everything
should just be given to them.
You two are an absolute disgrace
to this university.
Yo, Dean, man,
what are those?
Oh, these.
These are invitations
to the alumni celebration...
in which the vice president
will be attending...
and Lauren will be unveiling her
Benjamin Franklin experiment.
Certain students will be invited--
those that pass their finals.
For real?
But you won't pass
your finals.
You'll fail, and then I'll have you out
of my hair and out of Harvard.
Happy studying, gentlemen.
I'm trying to do my thing.
It's pimpin' over here.
- Baby Powder, when you gonna
pay us our money?
- I got a $25 money order--
Money order?
- That you bitches can split.
- Who you callin' a bitch, bitch?
Come on with it.
I got you.
- If it ain't Rice Puff Daddy.
- No, no, Powder. That's Run M.S.G.
- Hey, what you listening to, brother?
- Wu-Tang.
Wu-Tang. Wu-Tang.
I came to bring the pain
Hardcore to the brain
Dollar, dollar bill, y'all
We don't listen
to that Chinese shit.
We do this. This what we do.
Oh, you can't dance!
You need to sit down.
I'm gonna round them
motherfuckin' almond eyes
of yours out, understand me?
Hold on, Powder.
Let's not get ignant.
Maybe he just came here
to pay our money.
No, actually,
I come for your girls.
you gonna come back and give me
them two duck sauces your mama--
Let me get my switchblade out.
Let me get my blade.
- Ooh, shit!
Come on, bitch.
Man, it was two egg rolls,
It wasn't duck sauce.
Ooh! Ow!
Who the bitch now, bitch?
I need to slap
my goddamn self for that.
Pimps go through this kind
of shit from time to time.
Yes, Dean Cain here.
Yes, I did receive them.
As a matter of fact,
I was just going over Silas
and Jamal's grades...
and I see they're all F's.
Yes. I agree.
Very sad. Very sad indeed.
Well, I'll speak to you later.
Yes, yes, yes!
Dean Cain expects us
off campus by Monday.
It went that bad
in botany class?
Kid lost
about 1 5 pounds of fluid.
And that
was just from the mouth.
And I'm still below a 2.0.
Man, we gonna get
kicked the fuck out this school.
Maybe I can go back
to being your manager...
and you strip at that club again
like you used to.
No, we can't give up.
You can't let the dean win.
Did Commander Riker give up
when the Borg infiltrated
the Starship Enterprise...
and Captain Picard came back
all half robot?
The Borgs? They're here!
Oh, God, run for your life!
My point is that you two--
My point is
shut the fuck up!
It's over.
And we out of here.
Wash my hands.
Silas, man, you can't give up.
If you get this
botany grade changed,
they have to keep you.
My-- Yeah, my truth serum.
I gotta fix it. Yo!
That's right.
Yo, yo
Here's your coffee.
Ah, Bart.
Nice to see you.
I think I have a solution
to your little problem.
Oh, no. I already got
the prescription filled.
Not that problem.
I'm talking about the boys.
Those rejects
have been rejected.
Yo, Dean Cain, look who's back!
- Dean, what a surprise.
Look who's here.
- How exciting.
Guys, we weren't expecting you,
but you're right on time.
Let's go meet
the next likely leader
of the free world.
What are you two doing here?
Couldn't have my future ex-wife
show up to some bigwig event...
without her daddy on her arms.
Ain't that right, baby?
Right, Daddy.
Old friends, fellow alums,
it's wonderful
being back here at Harvard...
where I get to see
my beautiful daughter.
Hi, Daddy. Daddy.
This is Jamal.
Jamal, this is my dad.
Ah, hello, Jamal.
Mr. President.
And I call you Mr. President
'cause I know you gonna
rock this election.
I hope you're right, son.
Uh-oh, camera.
All right, Ivory.
This is the last of you.
Do your stuff.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, Professor.
What's going on?
Nice to see you again.
Listen. Tonight,
I got a feeling you gonna
see my experiment work.
I hope we don't have
to pass out any barf bags.
Don't even worry about that.
See, I found my secret ingredient.
By adding a little bit
of chro-- cannabis,
I was able
to counteract the nausea.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you, Professor.
Thank you, man.
- I actually feel wonderful.
- Isn't he great, Daddy?
He's great.
He's great.
- Good service.
- Hey, Jamie.
Here's your dad
after a frat party.
We don't want the dean
to get his panties in a bunch.
He might want to spank us!
Oh, sit down.
Wait a minute. I know
you all two ain't over here
playin' grab ass...
while I'm entertainin'
my future vanilla villa
father over there, are you?
Yeah, oh, yeah!
Man, look, man. The serum
workin', man. They hot, dog.
Look! Hey, man, look.
I got somethin' to tell you.
Man, I been pinchin'
your weed off.
What you tellin' me for?
I don't know. I guess
it's that new serum, man.
I'm sorry, man.
That's okay.
Don't even worry about it.
No, it ain't all right, man.
Yo, I been takin' your CDs.
I been usin' your weed pipes.
I even been lookin' at Lauren's
ass a couple of times, man.
She's fine, and if she gave
me the chance, I would wax that
ass till she show me what she--
Whoa, whoa!
Hold up.
Jamal, I will take that
as a compliment.
Thank you.
Thank you.
We all know that Harvard
has been honored to host...
some of Benjamin Franklin's
artifacts, which I personally found.
Like this cannon-like
article back here.
Now later you can take note
of the foot-operated carburetor,
the reservoir
and the top-loading bud bowl.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Harvard is now...
the proud owner
of America's first... bong.
A bong?
This is, this is outrageous!
If Benjamin Franklin
were here today,
he would deny and denounce
any claim...
to these so-called findings.
I'm gonna have
to disagree on that.
Yo, Ben, tell this fool.
Is that a bong or what?
Yep. It's the liberty bong.
Light that shit.
Smoke that shit,
pass that shit.
Yo, you gotta come
to this party, Ben.
- Hey, man. Hey.
- Come on, man. Smoke.
Oh, yeah!
This is insane!
What are you all laughing at?
Dean, I have had it
with your uptight,
- self-serving,
overopinionated ass!
- Getim!
In short, you are fired!
- Hit the bricks, dog!
Get down with my girlfriend
That aint right
The bi g payback
Yo, dog, man.
Look like you did it, dog, man.
You got a new serve, man.
You gonna be
an herbal scientist, my brother.
Me and you turned this place
upside down, didn't we?
Did we!
Amazing what two brothers...
from the P. can do with just
a little bit of opportunity.
Holler at your dogs, man.
I will, man.
Secret Service!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Dean, Dean, Dean, ease up on
the black-on-black crime, bro.
Oh, this motherfucker done
messed up my shit!
Back up! Back up, nigger!
You better give me three feet!
Give me three feet!
- Whoa!
Hey, get up.
Oh, my God
Oh, cool.
Take him away, boys.
Take your hands off of me!
Do you realize who I am?
- What are you looking at?
- I Need Money, you talked!
Why, yes, Jamal.
It is somewhat
of a surprise to me also.
Lord, it's a gift!
It's a gift from above!
Make it float like a dove!
Make it scream like Michael
in a rhinestone glove.
Lord, Lord, Lord.
Popcorn player.
Popcorn player.
I didn't inhale!
God, this is the wildest time
I've ever had.
You won't mind that I'm bangin'
your daughter on the regular.
No, no!
Not at all.
Good,cause Jamal's
gonna be my baby daddy.
Ah, son, welcome to the family.
Silas, your experiment
was a success.
Your serum worked, and you're
going to get an A in my course.
Ooh, Professor!
So that means I get to stay.
You betcha!
You can stay as long
as it takes you to graduate.
I don't care.
Right, ladies?
Shall we, ladies?
Hey, down here!
This is not happening!
you are coming with me!
Honey, you have never
satisfied me.
But I can.
The day you lay off
is the day you pay off.
We come in here
to get our old bitches,
but if they ain't in here,
we gonna get those
intellect bitches and start
our own new stable, feel me?
Just keep it pimpalicious.
Keep it pimpalicious!
Powder, what are you
doing here?
What are you doing in here?
Well, I've been rolling
this joint for 20 years.
But if these people knew
I was using your
Dial-A-Ho service,
they might not understand.
You are one
of my biggest customers.
You like them hand-jobs,
fat bitches pissin' on you
all the time.
I like the ladies.
Licking poodle feets and shit.
Just stop it right there.
Have you ever been to college?
- Yeah, two years Pussyology.
- Academia. I like it.
Give me a call next week.
I think we can work
something out.
Today's class is called
Pimpology I and II.
I'm one, that's two.
That's what your ass will be...
if you don't pass this class.
It got to come out right!
And if it don't come out right,
you ain't gonna get
the pimp tonight!
- Where my bitches?
- Where my bitches?
Come on with it...
and let it fly!
Not yourselves!
That was deep!
That was deep.
Camera rolling shot on "A. "
"D" marker.
And another thing, I forgot
my motherfuckin' lines!
Yo, stop doin' that shit, dog.
You can't be laughin' at me.
Fuck my close-up up, nigger.
They know we stole the--
What is that?
I knew it.
You guys and your lines.
Can I get some pussy?
Sure. Come on in.
I told you we should have went
to U.C.L.A.
Man, damn all this.
I'm about to go stick my dick
in a Thermos or something.
Puffs of purgatory
for everybody. Lineem up!
Puffs of purgatory, baby!
Puffs of purgatory.
Puffs of purgatory.
See each other no more.
I mean, the fuckin' around--
Ah, shit!
I pledge allegiance to the pimp
of the united pimps of America.
Come on, you fuckers!
Call action!
I don't give a fuck
if it breaks!
You hear me?
Goddamn it!
Turn that goddamn water off!
Cut! Cut! Cut!
- Cut.
- Cut.
- Cut!
- Cut!
- Cut!
The movie's over. Go home.
Why don't you get
out of your seat?
Go home! Go home!
All y'all.
Y'all don't wanna leave!
# Yo, ladies and gentlemen
Smoke cheeba cheeba
Smoke cheeba cheeba #
# We got Toni Braxton
up in the house #
# So high that I can kiss
the skies, bitch #
# We live up in here, y'all #
# How high, motherfuckers
How high #
# How, how, how, how
How, how, how, how #
# Yo, yo, yo #
# Tical shittin again
Spittin to win #
# Load they guns clip in the end
None sicker than him #
# Yes, indeed
I'm ill as any S. T.D.
or sex disease #
# These dirty rats
want extra cheese #
# On that piece of the pie
Now ask me how high #
# Until you reach for the sky
Blame the crooked letter "I" #
# That's my home
Twenty three's
wrapped in chrome #
# Not only snap on y'all niggers
but I'll snap dem bones #
#Slap your dome
Make you leave
that crack alone #
# You got the key to the city
but the latch is on #
# I gots it locked
bringin the noise #
# Bringin the funk Dr. Spock
Bringin my boys #
# Bringin you lungs
Pop the Glock but only
# Jack the Ripper
dont make me have to kill
this bitch #
# Back to get ya
Put it in check
That's the mista
# Meth with his wood
on your neck
Shut your lips up #
# Smoke cheeba cheeba
Smoke cheeba cheeba #
#So high that I could kiss
the sky #
#Brick city
to the crooked letter I #
# Let's get, let's get
Let's get
Yo, yo #
# Yo, you can call on the man
when the party is borin #
# I had these hos strippin
till it's part of the mornin #
#I love a fat chick
with a body enormous #
# It aint about the weight, yo
It's how they perform it #
# My dash is 10
My weed half a pound #
# When there's smoke in the air
my nose is like a basset hound's #
# I dont stash the drug
Nigga, divide #
# I'm that nigga that ride
with a trigger to get a supply #
# High is how I stay
all the time #
# Niggas, close the door
Yo, bitches
shut all your blinds #
# If I'm hard to find
take two puffs and pass #
# I stayed back
but my Benz moved up a class #
# It's Dock and Meth
The format is real sickening #
# Contagious
We out for Mista Biggs women #
# You better shut your trap
when my dogs around #
# We pissin on fire hydrants
so walk around, bitch #
# Smoke cheeba cheeba
Smoke cheeba cheeba #
# Yeah, so high
till I reach the sky #
# Brick city
and the crooked letter "I" #
# Let's get, yo
Let's get #
# Yo, let's get #
# Mista Method Man
puttin in work foot in the dirt #
#Like it's all good roll
through your hood
pushin a hearse #
# I wish y'all would come
around like Clint Eastwood #
# As if your, reppin your hood
in my neck of the woods #
# Street vanillas in the pj's #
# Grimy bitch,
I wear the same shit
for three days #
# Find me lit
Blunts spark like Felipe
Fuck the he say, she say #
# You're just a mike off
Yo, call me Bob Backlund
I break backs on hos #
# Who look like Toni Braxton
Can run with these bony
masked men #
#I'm out the gutter
I'm out to send your
baby mother out for rubbers #
# We fuckin tonight
Bitches wanna crowd around
while I'm cuppin the mike #
# I'm a gorilla,
leave a banana
stuck in your pipe #
# 'Cause I'm a real block winner
The Doc inna #
# Bitch, one of my balls
bigger than the Epcot Center #