How to Be a Man (2013) Movie Script
Hey, little buddy.
It's your dad.
If you're watching this,
I'm probably dead.
But this is the first
in a series of videos
where I'm gonna show you
how to be a stand-up guy.
I'm gonna teach you how
to fight, like, literally fight,
and how to stand
up for yourself.
I'm gonna teach
you about, you know,
your word and
character and all this stuff.
And I'm not just gonna
yell at the computer,
I'm gonna have ...
I'm gonna film it myself
and demonstrate live
exactly how to do everything.
How am I gonna do that?
Fuck.
Hike!
What did you
close your eyes for?
Can't expect to catch a
pass with eyes closed.
I didn't.
You flinched.
I saw you.
You don't think they
gave me this ball
for flinching, do you?
Every college in the east
had a scout there that day.
Last one.
Basic thrust.
Hold it here.
Hold it here.
And we're gonna
start building ...
Are you satisfied with
the way you play football?
Bryan?
Oh, shit.
Bryan?
Bryan, come down here.
I'm coming.
God.
I just saw this post.
It's an old friend of mine.
He's looking for a cameraman
to help him make a video.
- I don't know.
- You should call ...
What do you mean you don't know?
And wait a minute, what
are you doing here anyway?
Don't you have your own place?
Didn't I move you into
your own apartment?
I don't have Internet.
How much is Internet?
It's, like, a hundred dollars.
Oh, then, like, you need a
job and, like, you need money.
You think people are
standing out on the street
handing out jobs to film majors?
By the way, how much did you
make up in your room today, huh?
Yeah, you're probably
masturbating to some MILFs.
Oh, gross, Mom.
Who is this guy?
Mark McCarthy.
He was a really funny
comic back in the late '80s.
He was on Arsenio Hall
and everything.
And now he works
for an ad agency.
He works for an ad agency?
You don't wanna make
commercials because you're too artsy?
It is a last resort.
And that's what you do when
you can't get any other work.
Oh, shut your mouth,
you smell like marijuana.
You are calling him.
So, what are you gonna do today?
I have errands all day.
Well, if Housewives
comes on, I'm not waiting.
I'm not a Housewives guy.
So, if you wanna have an
affair with them, that's fine.
I'm also pretty
confident about it
because I know you
can't get pregnant.
That is true.
Once you pop a baby in,
it seals up and then ...
You don't worry
about affairs after that.
Right. Like, I could
get jizzed in, like, three
or four times a day and
you would never know.
Don't say that.
You could go off
and run your errands
and I could just be like,
"Jizz in me."
And it's, like, you wouldn't
know. I'm pregnant.
To a lot of guys,
this is a turn-on.
Some guys, they wanna
jizz in a pregnant lady.
Okay. I tuned back
in and it's still going.
They wanna pop it in ...
Like, what if the baby ... ?
What if they jizzed
in the baby's mouth?
Hi, I'm Bryan.
Hi. Mark.
What kind of movie is this?
What kind of hat is that?
Are you a light bulb?
You look like a handsome Chinese
man stuffed into a child's body.
And that hat.
How much is that hat?
Uh, I don't know.
I think it was like 15 bucks.
Fifteen bucks.
Here. Here's 20 bucks.
- Why?
- And you can keep the change ...
because I don't wanna
look at that all day.
Let's go.
So, what's your deal anyway?
Are you ... ?
Are you, like, a little kid?
What do you mean? I'm 22.
Twenty-two.
Wow.
How did you hear
about this?
Actually, my mom
showed it to me.
She's Facebook friends with you.
She showed me your post.
Your mom is Facebook
friends with me?
Yep.
Wow. I'm old.
I'm old enough to be your dad.
That's intense.
What's her name?
Barbara Gershgorn.
Barbara Gershgorn.
Yeah.
She worked at a
comedy club in the '80s
and she said
you did a lot of stand-up.
Is that her right there?
Yeah.
She looks a lot like a chick
I used to fuck, but older.
If she is who I think she is,
she had this thing
with her pussy
where it was like a
horse eating an apple,
and it would sort of
devour your cock, like ...
Her pussy would
give you a blow job
and you were almost
worried it's gonna pfft,
pop off and go flying in her.
Those were the days, man.
I was on Arsenio,
did coke with Sam Kinison.
Now I watch reality TV and
feel guilty if I'm up past midnight.
So when do we get to the part
where you tell me about the job?
Is not a job.
It's an opportunity.
So you're not gonna pay me?
Yes. I am gonna pay you in ...
knowledge!
I need you to film
me teaching you
everything to know about life.
And I need you to do it now
because I'm not gonna
be around for long.
Why? Where are you going?
Heaven. I'm dying.
I have breast cancer.
Are you joking?
My aunt just died
of breast cancer.
First of all, I don't
make jokes like that.
Secondly, I'm not
thrilled about it.
If it was up to me,
I'd have a way cooler cancer,
like rock 'n' roll cancer,
all right?
If we keep talking about it,
I'm gonna have a bad trip.
Men can get breast cancer?
Yes, they can!
Let's move on!
All right. So, what do
you need me to do?
Okay. I need you to film me
giving a bunch of life
lessons to my unborn son.
Isn't that ...
Isn't that kind of like
that Michael Keaton film?
"Isn't that kind of like
Michael Keaton film?"
People make videos for
the future all the time, okay?
Is called a time capsule.
Now, pull out your
camera and start filming.
I'm gonna start the video series
at the age where he'll
start understanding videos.
So I'm thinking, like, 11.
I've got a prosumer
HD cam and this Flip.
Which would you like me to use?
I don't know.
I don't know
you're talking about.
But yeah, just start filming.
I wanna observe
boys' natural habitat.
And I don't want people
to get the wrong idea.
That's what the sign's about.
Left, left! Right, right!
Okay.
Yeah. In the face, in the face!
You see that?
Don't be a pussy.
The thing about bullies is,
they're always gonna be there.
You understand?
All you have to do to end a
bully is bonk him on the nose.
That's it.
Even if you get in a fight
later and you lose the fight,
the fact that you
were that much trouble
means he's never gonna
mess with you again.
Now, I know what you're saying.
"Dad, what if I do get in
a fight? How do I fight?"
Great question.
Let's show you.
Okay?
So, when someone attacks
you and it's gonna go down,
you just gotta be super-fast
and go, "Oh, shit, here we go."
Employ a super-fast combination,
then get the hell out of there.
Because what that
does with the brain is,
it bonks it against the skull.
And that does way more
damage than just boop.
You wanna go boo, boo.
So the poor brain
goes bam, bam, bam.
And that's when you
get a pass out. Okay?
And it helps to use bad grammar.
It makes you sound tougher.
"Look, I don't want no trouble."
Right?
Now, once you know that,
once you have the
basics of fighting down,
all of a sudden, bullies
aren't so intimidating.
The fight isn't a big deal.
It's a very uncomfortable
six seconds
and then it's done.
It's just like diarrhea.
The way a dog can smell fear,
a bully can smell confidence.
And now, when you see a bully,
you're just sort of like,
"Hey, buddy, what's going on?"
"Oh, cute, he's a tough guy.
You're being ... Look, everyone,
we got a tough guy here."
And then he senses that,
and gets freaked out.
There's nothing easier than
taking down a tough guy.
Because he's not really a
tough guy if he's acting like one.
Let me show you.
Get your stuff.
Let's go to this pack.
You're not even hitting him.
Come on, kick
the shit out of him.
Hey.
Don't you be filming me, bitch.
You two faggots wanna
get fucked in the ass?
What are you doing
with that camera?
Mark! What is going on?
Bryan!
- Right there.
- You're gonna get it.
Yes!
You motherfuckers
are going to jail!
You're going to jail!
Oh, cramping,
cramping, I'm cramping.
I'm cramping.
I'm cramping.
Dude, we just beat up children.
It's collateral damage.
If you're making an omelet,
you gotta break some eggs.
You punched a kid in the nuts.
Yeah.
Did you hear him? He said he
was gonna fuck us in the ass.
He was a rapist.
- Let's get out of here.
- Okay.
Why would anybody
eat in a tapas place?
"Oh, I'm in the mood
for one oily meatball.
One piece of bacon."
I wouldn't mind bringing my
oily meatballs to a topless place.
Oh, my God.
What is that?
Wow, full turnaround
you just had.
No, it wasn't for her.
It was for her socks sandal ...
Oh.
I can't believe you care
about women's clothes.
Like you're so metrosexual.
That's not women's clothes.
That's my whole point.
She's dressed like a German man.
She has sandals and
socks on, like a weird
goth from Stuttgart.
- This is, like,
still a thing with you.
That was a beautiful girl.
You're like a hair
above being gay.
- I would not fuck her.
- Wow.
These are amazing, sweetie.
Thanks for making them.
Yeah. Thanks so
much, Mrs. McCarthy.
They're delicious.
So, what are you
guys doing, anyway?
Um, we can't tell you.
It's a surprise.
For me?
No.
Then why can't you tell me?
We just can't.
Okay.
Well, that's good, actually,
because I was worried
I was gonna have to,
like, expend the energy
caring, and I just ...
I don't have that
time today, you know?
I'm, like, really busy.
I've got a lot of
things to think about,
like why do my
feet hurt so much?
- She doesn't know I'm dying.
- Why are my toes so fat?
Do I still have ankles? I don't.
I don't have ankles anymore.
It's just, like, leggy ...
Okay, pal. If you're
watching this tape,
you're probably a new teen,
you've got tons and tons of zits
and your pubes
look kind of weird.
This is around the age
where you start developing
your funny bone, okay?
You're gonna have
riffs with friends.
They're gonna get more
and more advanced.
There's two categories
with friend riffs,
either I'm gonna fuck you,
or I'm gonna kill you.
The peak, top, coolest,
best joke you can
have with a buddy is this:
"I was just reading in this
magazine about this guy
that super wants to
sleep with his best friend.
It was so stupid.
I was like, 'What? Ha-ha-ha.
I don't know.
Why are they ... ?
It was a questionnaire.
'Why are they talking
about this? Weird.'"
And if your friend is hilarious,
right? He'll go, "Really?
What did ... ?
What did it say he should do?"
Ha-ha-ha. Okay?
Once you got there,
you're at the very top and
everything else is gravy.
What else? What else? What else?
Astrology. If a dude
asks you about astrology,
you shouldn't even
know your sign, okay.
Astrology is for babysitters.
The second someone asks you
about astrology, you just go, hmm.
And walk off.
Also, never say
"Like, literally", okay?
Those are the two
worst things you can say.
"Like" means "sort of."
And "literally" means
"exactly." Okay?
"Like, literally"
is a contradiction.
That's how you know
you're with a bad dude,
because he's not
holding himself as a man.
A man has decorum, okay?
A man presents himself properly.
And that means you have
to dress like you're in control.
Let me see this
for a second here.
Now, this is Bryan,
he's no son of mine,
but he's not a bad guy.
But I'm seeing a
lot of problems here.
First of all, what is
all this extra fabric?
Do you find your clothes
by the side of the road?
You look like someone who lost
maybe 200 pounds an hour ago.
And these.
These shower shoes
the kids are wearing today.
What if you're walking
and you get in a fight?
"My God, get this
guy out of here."
Look at that.
- Dude.
- Okay? You need to be apt.
You need to be
able to move around.
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna get
you a whole new look
starting right now, all right?
You're gonna look like a man,
then I'll teach you
to act like a man.
All right, let's get started.
Well, there's nothing
there I wanna ...
There.
Your makeover is complete.
Thank you.
Let's just do this
top button here.
It makes you look
like a sexy murderer.
Do you need those glasses?
For reading and driving.
Okay, you shouldn't
read when you drive.
Oh, all right.
This is a man.
Bryan came in here dressed
like a mentally ill
assassin at a sleepover
and he's leaving here a man.
You look good, buddy.
How do you feel?
Thanks, man.
I feel great.
How you feeling?
How do I feel?
I feel bad.
I'm dying.
I do think she looks better.
It's funny, though, how,
like, they reformed them,
but she's wearing as much
eyeliner as she always was.
But at least she has, like,
a softer lip, which I like.
You can't do eyes
and lip, you know,
because then it's just too much.
You gotta just pick one
because, otherwise, you're like ...
It looks like you give
BJs on the first date, right?
Mark.
Mark?
Yeah?
Doesn't she look better?
She's cute now.
Heh. Nice shirt, cowboy.
Hurry up.
Okay, grooming for
a man is very simple.
You take your soap bar,
you lather up your pubes.
That's how you
get a lather going,
with the friction, right?
Then take those suds
and peel back your foreskin
and wash your head like that:
You do your balls.
You get down there, all right?
You turn around, you get
your ass crack, all right?
And then it's just
diddley diddley dee.
One armpit, doodle doodle doo.
One armpit. Done.
No shower for a man should
be more than one minute long.
Oh, morning, honey.
What are you guys doing?
I told you.
He's filming with me.
Why?
He's doing a documentary on me.
Why?
On ... On comed ...
On people who used
to be comedians.
Well, that sounds pretty boring.
That sounds boring?
You're saying I'm boring?
We're boring. Sort of, yeah.
I don't know about you,
but I consider boring
to be about the worst
thing you can be.
Well, sorry, but that's what
you are now, so get used to it.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Once I poop this baby out,
there's not gonna be any
late-night partying, okay?
There's not gonna be
doing whatever you want
or your stupid,
like, fart jokes.
No more fart jokes?
Okay, got it.
You don't get to
do shit anymore.
I'm home, you're home.
We are boring!
- Fascinating.
- Time to grow up, okay?
I'm having a child,
I don't need two.
Oh, okay. I get it now!
I'm boring and I'm a child!
I'm a boring child!
Yeah, bingo, you got it!
You're being basically insane!
- Get out of my bathroom.
- I'm sorry.
Hey, little buddy.
This is your dad's office.
This is where I
worked before I died.
I've got a boner theme
that's going throughout
the whole office.
I know it has kind
of a rapey vibe.
And I keep all my
rapey vibes in here,
so things don't get
too out of control.
This holds 98 percent
of everything I own.
The rest is all bullshit.
Hey, guys. I told you
about the documentary
I'm doing, so I
assume that's cool.
Yeah. Yeah. Whatever.
So great, we're all here.
CarPast is a thing
where you can check out
the history of a
used car online,
see if it's been
in any accidents.
Damages you might not
necessarily see cosmetically.
Can I do my thing? Because
I already have this nailed.
Great. Go.
All right, I'm gonna need
a prop. Let's use you, Rob.
Your body is perfect for this.
Okay.
Guy's at a used-car lot, right?
He's looking at cars, dubious chap.
Hmm. "I don't like that one."
Hmm. He's smart.
He knows what he's doing.
Then he sees this third car.
We don't acknowledge that
it's a hot chick in a car costume.
Okay, imagine these
if they were perfect tits.
And she's got that thing on
where, you know, when
you can't see correctly?
When you have a costume on,
you have to go like that:
I love ... That's
comedy gold right there.
And so I look at her,
and I'm treating her like
any other car, and I go,
"You all right?"
And she goes,
"Yeah, fine. Fine."
And then we sort of draw
out a stare where I'm going:
And then she's sort of going:
And then, bloop, some sweat
comes from her face, right?
And then I decide to
test my hunch and I go ...
And I just start pushing
on her stomach, right?
And then, as I'm pushing, worst,
grossest, food poisoning fart.
Like: ...
And I just go, "I knew it."
You're kidding, right?
No.
Wait, are you kidding?
Okay. All right, no, no.
I mean, that's ...
It's fine for us joking
around in here,
but if we sent them that,
the client might think we ...
Well, they might
question our competence.
I thought I was gonna get
a hundred high-fives here.
You're not gonna
take it to the client?
This is a little bit too much
bathroom humor for this brand.
You guys do your job, okay?
I do my job. My job is being funny.
You don't get funny.
Sorry, okay?
Who here has been on Arsenio?
Hands up.
One person.
This is a half-a-million-dollar
commercial.
I am not sending
them a fart joke.
Farts are comedy gold,
you idiot!
So wait, I'm ... I'm
gonna run around
defending your
farts now, is that it?
Look at a Ben Stiller movie.
Talk to the South Park guys.
We don't love it.
We don't like sitting,
typing out fart jokes,
but they pay the bills.
Look at anything
that's made money.
It has a fart joke in it because
it goes back to cave days, brrt.
Everyone laughed at that.
Okay.
Relax, all right? I'm not
sending that to the client.
It's not like I'm firing you.
You can't fire me.
I can, actually.
Because I fucking quit!
What is Arsenio? Is that ...?
I hope you got all that. I hope
you filmed every fucking drop.
Really?
You're quitting over
a grade-school joke?
It's not about toilet
humor, Tony, okay?
It's about you preventing
me from doing my job
because you don't
get that art takes risks.
That computer
doesn't belong to you.
You know what?
Fuck you, dude!
Really? Ho ... ? Are you
gonna do this to me every week?
Just ... Will you just be
a man and apologize?
- And we can move past this.
- Be a man and apologize?
You want me to apologize?
Okay. How's this
for an apology, Tony?
Did you hear that?
That was my worst fart
and it still got a laugh.
I'm sick of pretending
I'm not talented.
Ugh! Fuck!
You guys like comedy?
Why not?
I don't like women for
one very simple reason.
They don't fart.
So I can't relate to them.
Farting is my everything.
It's what I live for.
And I don't just love
the smell of my own farts,
like I know you guys do.
I see you.
I know you scoop 'em.
I know you sit on
the toilet and you go,
"Whoa, that one reeked,"
and you enjoy it.
I'm with you on that, obviously.
I like the smell of
my friends' farts.
If a friend lets
one rip in the car,
I don't want the
windows wound up.
I wanna enjoy it
like a rare cheese.
I'm interested in its origin.
"Did it burn your anal
lips when it came out?
Did you know it was
gonna be this bad?
That has a very sort of
powerful after-tang to it.
It's got a roadkill
kind of vibe.
Do you eat dead rats?"
I'm sort of a fart gourmand.
I'm like the Mario Batali
of farts.
I quit my job for this.
Yup.
I quit my job,
got a pregnant wife,
and I'm dying of
male breast cancer.
Dude, I slayed.
Yeah, the part where
you were telling the truth.
Yeah, duh. Ever heard of
"It's funny because it's true"?
That's a lesson
for you. I never lie.
Always tell the truth.
Hey, Mark, can I talk
to you for a second?
Curt.
Did I kill or did I kill?
Yeah, sure, you killed it, baby.
I wanna thank you
for letting me perform.
Okay. But the problem
is you were required
to bring 15 heads to the
club and you only got six, so ...
Seven.
He didn't pay.
Okay, take me to comedy jail.
You owe me $135.
I still can't believe I'm dying.
It's not sinking in.
My dad's still alive.
I never knew my dad.
Really?
That blows.
Does your mom know who he is?
No. She wasn't really ...
A little tiny bit of a slut.
Hold on.
When I first met you
I was joking around
about being your dad,
but I'm starting to
think it could be true.
What year were you born?
Wow, that's when I was really
wasted and doing a lot of drugs.
And that picture
of your mom looks
pretty familiar.
Where have you been?
Guess what I did tonight.
Doing stand-up and killing.
Well, I mean, it was ...
I killed. Killed.
Ah. I didn't know you
still wanted to do comedy.
It's who I am.
I just got out there on-stage
and I realized this is
what I'm about, you know?
Okay. Well, as long as it
doesn't interfere with your job.
I quit my job.
What?
No, this is a new beginning.
Are you serious?
- You quit your job?
- Oh, my God.
You quit your job
that gives you benefits
and a salary while your
pregnant wife is at home.
Are you trying to give
me a miscarriage?
I'm going to storm
out of here very slowly.
I'm trying to be true to myself,
setting an example for the kid.
- Why would you do that?
- You need to relax.
That is a fucking
stupid thing to do!
I'm following my passion.
Your passion is stupid!
Shouldn't you ... ?
Take out the camera.
I got something.
Get it out now.
All right.
Hey, buddy.
You're probably in
your late teens by now,
and that means
you're super-horny
and all you can
think about is women.
I want you to know
that women are very
hard to deal with, okay?
They just sort of spew emotions
like this big
tsunami of diarrhea.
You have to get out of
the way when that happens
and sort of grab your
surfboard and ride the waves
and sort of manipulate the ...
the insanity to work for you
in a way that's not easy to do.
Actually, cut. Cut.
I have an awesome idea.
Follow me.
We don't deal with them
unless they pay less.
All right, all set.
Okay.
The hardest thing in the
world to do is the cold call.
What's a cold call?
Cold call ... You gotta
let me finish here, okay?
The cold call is when you
don't know the chick at all
and you're walking up to her
and saying, "Hey, how you doing?"
Just by doing that,
you're 100 percent admitting
that you're there just
because she's pretty.
You don't know anything
about her personality,
and so, what you're basically
doing is walking up and saying:
"Hi, I'm shallow."
That's a big hurdle to get over.
The crucial thing here is
that you understand that it ...
Women don't want some
nice, sweet, corny guy, okay?
They want a man.
They wanna be safe.
They wanna feel protected.
All right? That's your job.
They wanna be rescued.
They want a knight.
They want ...
We have to save
the damsel in distress.
Yeah.
The problem is,
what kind of danger
are they in in a bar?
Yeah.
You know, there's
no damsel in distress.
No, there's no ... Yeah.
Princess in a high tower.
So, what we're gonna do is,
we're gonna fabricate
the princess in the
high tower, okay?
Sure.
Son, when we come back,
Bryan here is going to be doing
what I like to call the
"wasted wingman."
Okay, cut.
And what is that, exactly?
Okay, do you see
those girls over there?
Yeah.
I need you to totally
creep them out.
Dude, I don't wanna do that.
Yes, you need to
be a wasted dude
that is bumming them
out so I can rescue them.
Dude, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm your father and I'm
telling you, you have to do that.
You're not my dad.
Well, I may have just
cum in your mom's cunt.
Man, enough of that shit.
Come on.
It's my dying wish.
You ever heard of death row?
They eat whatever they
want for their last meal.
They'll have ice cream
and steak, whatever.
This is my ice cream steak.
After I moved him across
the country in a U-Haul.
- Oh, my God.
- Wait, what did you say?
Hi. That's really se ...
That's really sexy.
That's really ...
It looks really good.
You know, I think you guys
maybe take ... Take a bath together.
What the hell, man? Well ...
Hey, hey, hey.
- What are you doing?
- Hey, fuck you.
No, fuck you, motherfucker.
Act like I just whispered
something super-scary.
Get out of here.
What are you drinking?
It was a gin and tonic,
but don't worry about it.
I'm worried about it. Gin and tonic?
And what about you?
Same.
Two gin and tonics, please.
Oh. I'm glad you are strangers.
If you were my wife,
I would've murdered him.
Not ... I'm not married.
I'm just saying like if I ...
My sister or whatever.
Because your adrenaline is like:
Were you scared?
Yeah, I was a little bit.
Sort of.
Did you hear about that
bum on Bowery recently,
who stabbed a guy in the eye
with a fork at Moby's tea shop?
Yeah, the guy just said,
"Can you move, please?"
And the bum goes, prrt.
Oh, God.
Through his eye into his brain.
I'm more scared of drunk
guys than I am of gangsters.
With a gangster,
you think he might have a gun,
a bum definitely has a fork.
He doesn't have anything
to eat, but he's got a fork.
You were fucking amazing,
by the way.
Dude, I don't remember anything.
Literally, I just shut off
and went into autopilot
and watched myself
from outside my body.
See that thing I
did where I said,
"What if we were married?"
Threw a wife thing in there?
You slip into the friend
zone if you don't do that.
Yeah, yeah, but you
had them laughing
like the whole time.
What if you're just not funny?
The secret to humor
is brutal honesty, right?
With some vulnerability on top,
and then just a sprinkling
of insightful commentary
or some kind of pun to
tie it in a bow at the end.
Like, I actually
am scared of bums.
But sometimes I get
nervous, you know?
I ... I get shaky,
my voice, it trembles.
Do you know about shitty tits?
It's the best-kept secret in
the history of picking up chicks.
Are you ready?
If you're intimidated by a girl
and she seems too hot for you.
just imagine her
having the worst breasts
in the entire universe.
But I don't just
mean not great tits,
I mean the worst sagging,
wrinkly, veiny, Star Wars bar monsters
with huge lumpy nipples and
a giant cavernous belly button
with coarse hairs going
down in a big hair trail,
and big, like, broom bristles.
Zit, zit, zit.
Like a homeless
Romanian 90-year-old
who's dying of tumors.
Oh, my God, you're
gonna make me puke, dude.
Are you a virgin?
That's, like ...
Oh, my God, you are!
Oh, my God, I have so
much knowledge to impart.
I don't know where to begin.
Okay.
If you feel like you're
gonna cum too soon,
imagine Kevin Spacey's head,
7 feet tall,
floating above the bed,
and just focus on that.
Uh, if she takes you home,
that means "yes."
Oh, and "no" doesn't mean no.
Three "noes" means no.
One "no" is like, uh, maybe.
Two "noes" is you're
not doing a good job.
Three "noes" is get
out of there, give up.
You have to
understand with women.
You can totally subjugate them,
defile them, abuse them.
You can make them a
colostomy bag for your cum
if, and this is a big if,
if you treat them like
a human being after.
You wipe your cum off the face.
"Oh, no, who did
this to my baby?"
You know? You have to make her
breakfast. You have to eat her out.
Dude, it's so much to remember.
You don't know how to
eat out a chick, do you?
Dude, of course.
I mean, come on.
That wasn't even close.
What do you mean?
Okay.
What you just showed
me right there was this:
I'm just like you, buddy.
I wanna get in there.
I'm hungry.
I'm a pig at the trough.
Okay? But you're like an eel
going into someone's body.
That's freaky for a lady.
Right? You gotta
ease her into it.
Imagine she's like
a wild, crazy horse.
You don't go,
"Hey, crazy horse," tickle, tickle.
Like, grab his nuts. Bssh.
They'll just kick you out
of the way. You have to go:
"It's okay, Crazy Horse,
stay calm."
You start her at the
very beginning, okay?
You just lay your
tongue on her vagina
just like a wet rug.
Just plop it down, okay?
And then you know what you do?
Nothing.
One-1000, two-1000, three-1000.
We're just sitting there,
she's thinking,
"Okay. Now he's not a hungry
beaver eating out my corn,
but what's going on down there?
Nothing is going on.
Oh, no, wait, something
is going ... Oh, what's this?
We're moving right to left.
We've got some momentum here
and we're probably starting.
Okay, we're st ...
What happened?
Uh ... Oh, I guess he sto ...
Oh, here we go again.
Oh, there's a fast one.
No ... "
You see? You're
building anticipation here.
You have to be
totally unpredictable.
So you're starting and then:
"Oh, I'm done.
I'm not doing it anymore.
No, I'm back.
Now I'm going fast."
Windshield wipers,
windshield wipers.
Oh, now the battery's low ...
So now she's going,
"Is he gonna eat this
thing or what? Come on."
That's sending the blood down.
All the nerve endings
are getting blood.
Everyone in the whole body,
"Hey, hear about this pussy-eating thing going on?"
And everyone goes to the vagina.
"Oh, I gotta check this out."
Around now you start
feeling some juices going.
Once you feel the juices,
that's the time
to ramp it up a bit,
and maybe, just maybe,
see, you don't even know,
maybe get a frequency going.
"Oh, boy, here we go.
Now we're cooking with gas.
Doot doo doo, doot doo doo.
Now we're gonna go to the end.
Now we're feeling some ... "
What ... ?
Just wait it out.
"What is he doing?"
Now you start feeling this.
"Oh, my God. Oh, please, please, please."
Anticipation, "Please lick it. Please lick it."
"I might. I might just get
up and go to work right now.
I might go up and
have a bowl of cereal."
"No, I'm not. Now, I'm ... "
And then she's like,
"Oh, fuck, thank God.
He's not giving up."
Now we're gonna go to the finish line.
We feel the quivering.
It's just a mound of mucus.
And it's time to do the
whole beaver thing, right?
Just start like that.
Go as fast as you can, right?
Wrong!
Now, the final 10 percent,
we do what's called
"the man in the boat isolation."
Okay, so you just
wanna focus on this guy.
The man in the boat? The clit.
You see, there's all kinds of labia
and hair and crap around there.
So you just wanna push
all that aside with your mouth
and just focus on
the man in the boat.
And now you just
start giving him.
And you're just ...
Punching bag, speed bag.
Bdda-bdda-bdda-bdda-bdda.
And you just slap the
shit out of it. "You fucker.
You owe me 300 bucks.
You keep lying about it."
Bam, bam, bam.
You suck it all in and
you create a vacuum.
And you're just going,
boom, boom, boom.
And it's going, "Holy shit."
And rrt, and it's gonna hurt,
okay, because your
tongue's exhausted.
But you gotta go for the goal.
You keep going, rrt.
"Oh, Jesus Christ."
Now you're going
fucking bananas on it.
Now you're that
beaver eating the corn.
"Oh, fucking ..."
And then, once it's all over,
instead of getting up and
going, prrt, you go, whew.
And you go back to that
wet rug from the beginning.
You just bookend it with that.
Just lay it down there
for a few seconds.
And you're done.
And now she's yours, forever.
Thank you. Thank you.
Let's go get some coke.
What is this place?
It's a gay bar.
What, like, with gay people?
No.
I was just staring. You know,
so I'm in the other seat
and I'm just staring.
Still, he got really angry
about the whole thing.
And I was sitting there,
I was like ...
Hey.
I don't know if you
guys remember me.
I used to come in here
all the time. I'm Mark.
Mark.
- Yeah, you're Jo.
- Jo.
- Sparkles.
- Yeah.
Just give me a 20 bag.
It's another 60, it's 80 bucks.
You don't do 20 bags anymore?
Yeah, I do 20 bags,
if you take a time machine
and go back 30 years.
What are you talking about,
20 bags, this fucking guy?
Oh, man, that's so much blow.
There. Thanks for the
year's supply of coke.
- Let me see your dick.
- Oh, come on.
Are you kidding me?
You're still doing that?
Eh. Quick. Just quick.
Fuck.
This is humiliating.
- Here we go.
- Not bad.
Turn ...
Flip it over a little ...
Okay. All right.
Let me see your dick?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- Just pull it out for one second.
- No. I'm not doing that.
- Just flash it, zoop.
- No.
Quick shot of your cock.
Just let me see your cock.
Do you want coke or not?
No, I don't, actually.
It's all right.
- Really?
- Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead.
- It's all you. Take it.
- Thanks a lot.
All right, guys.
What was that?
I know, right?
It looked like a
Rob Zombie clown
joined Tenacious D or something.
No, you let him
sexually assault you.
Uh, I don't see it that way.
And you said "thank you."
Cops have a mental vocabulary
when it comes to crime, okay?
If they see you tapping
out coke on your hand
or using a key bump, they go:
"Hey, I know what that is.
I have a trigger."
But when you do something crazy,
like what I like to
call a palm bump ...
Oh, man.
... they just see
a mentally-ill guy
slicking back his hair, right?
You just do it in
public like that?
Do what? I just went like this,
and I thought about
something and I'm ...
It's called
perceptual blindness.
When the Indians first saw
the boats come with Columbus,
they didn't see anything
because their brains didn't
have a department for that.
So they couldn't handle them.
They just went, "I see nothing,
just an ocean."
What do you mean?
You can become invisible to cops
if you do cocaine
in a weird way.
You're gonna lose
some on your face, but ...
Can I try?
Sure.
Wow, you have a gift.
You have a tiny bit on
your nose and that's about it.
Okay. Let's do bar etiquette,
number 37.
This is the 340th rule
of page A, section B.
Wow, that's a lot of them.
Man in a bar doesn't have
a credit card, has cash,
orders the cheapest beer around.
Can we get two of your
cheapest beers, please?
Okay? You notice I didn't
have a fruity drink, okay?
I'm not trying to
disguise the fact
that we're eating
rotten barley and oats.
- Yeah.
- You understand? This is poison.
We're here basically
at a alcohol crack house
to poison our bodies.
They don't do that with heroin.
They don't have
strawberry heroin, right?
I don't know.
We should get some heroin.
What, dude?
Yes.
And I'm not getting a wine
or a cocktail or some
sort of fruity drink
where you have to hold the stem.
"Oh, the stem.
I have a little flower.
I'm a smart lady,
I'm a businesswoman."
We don't do that, right?
Get that guy out of here.
Get that guy out of here.
Those are stupid.
With your credit card cocktails.
Ladies, I would
like to introduce you
to a fucking asshole.
This guy came up to
me outside and he said,
"I would like to apologize,
dude. I was wasted."
I go, "Wrong gender, man.
You got to apologize to
those two girls in the bar."
Yeah.
I'm really sorry,
I was really drunk,
and it's really
stupid and I'm sorry.
Whatever.
We are totally over it, right?
We are. We're over it.
Beautiful.
We're over it. We're over it.
The trio of victims
accept your apology.
Whoa.
I don't remember
you being as hot.
Did you do something
since we were last here?
I have to talk to you.
If we talk, I'm gonna have
to talk like this ... a blind man.
Every time I look at you,
it's like a flashbulb went off
and I can see your
face everywhere.
- Stop.
- It's like staring at the sun.
You know what I want?
I want Sharia Law in here.
Can we get two burkas
for the ladies, please?
Oh, my God.
This is getting too intense,
I can't hack it.
It's too much.
It's like Medusa in reverse.
What, they're, like,
turning statues into people?
Yes.
That's what they're doing.
Look at this guy. He's
bugging you when he's drunk.
Now he's sober,
he's a metaphor nut.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Whoa, Dude, what are you doing?
I'm having some fun, my man.
Please tell me you have coke.
That is so.
This is really good shit,
it's super-strong.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's gonna make your
whole face go numb.
I'm just gonna
break it in for you.
Aah. Pa-koo-ahh!
There you go.
There's that and there's that.
Oh, my God.
You're so fucking hot.
Oh, I wanna see your
tits so fucking bad.
Let me see your tits.
Holy fucking shit,
they are so perfect.
Oh, my God.
I love your tits.
I love your fucking
tits so much.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck, take it out.
Oh, my fu-ckin' God.
The fact that you
believe it's gonna happen,
and some of that is
delusion and some of that ...
God bless you.
Some of that is
just perseverance
and faith and all
those good things
that people try not
to believe in anymore,
but it works, and one day
something changes
and you feel better.
And you hit it. I don't
think it's a delusion at all.
- Rolling Stone said maybe our next Richard ...
- Right?
I love your fucking
tits so much.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck, take it out.
Oh, my God.
Come on, are you kidding me?
Oh, great.
The ... My Clarks fit in with ...
Vintage Nikes, those ...
Just throw those on the ...
Ow! You just hit me.
Those are my custom
Chuck Tayl ... Ow!
You just hit me with
a steel-toed boot.
Can I get some clothes, please?
Those are yours. That's a shoe.
Oh, great. I'm not a millipede.
Okay, we're good for shoes.
I'd like some pants.
Oh, for fuck sakes.
Are you ... ?
Why are you filming this?
Do you wanna talk
about what just happened?
Absolutely not.
Your wife just kicked you out.
Yeah? Well, maybe she's
collateral damage too.
Don't film this.
- I don't have anything ...
- That's him!
You! You kick my
son in the nuts?
I don't know who that is.
That's him, Dad.
Sure as shit.
Get him!
Okay. This is a big man.
One more for the road, bitch.
Fuck.
Why didn't you have my back?
Ever heard of having
a homey's back?
See that guy sucker punch me?
Yeah.
Oh, great. Now I'm that guy.
You know what a fight face is?
After every fight,
guys wanna look
like they're not fazed,
so they'll go:
"Did you see that
guy sucker punch me?
What a bitch."
But their adrenalin
is pumping so much
that instead of going like this:
They go like this:
They go, "Do you see
that guy sucker punch me?"
It's a fight face.
Wish I had ...
Do you have any weed?
No.
My balls still kill.
Oh, dude.
Weed is good for that,
I heard, and glaucoma.
- I don't know.
- Hey, turn on the camera,
I got an idea.
All right.
Let's do a whole drug guide.
Cool.
He's getting older now.
He's gonna need
to know the basics.
Hey, buddy,
don't eat ice cream when
you're growing up, by the way.
I'm having this
because I was
just in a fistfight
with some guy.
I wanna tell you about drugs.
Now, if you're 14 or something,
don't listen to this.
You're way too young.
If you're getting older
and they're around,
don't do them,
but if you do do them,
here's the basics:
Weed is good. It's funny,
it's bad for homework,
and bad for your grades, okay?
It's for having sex and
watching horror movies
and laughing with your friends.
It's not for doing homework,
and don't be stoned
at school, okay?
Cocaine is fun, it's an
easy way to get laid,
but it turns your
dick into a baby sock.
Heroin is Russian roulette.
Every time you do it,
you're just going,
"Gee, hope I don't die."
If you shoot it into
your veins, you will die.
Have you ... ?
Have you done heroin?
Of course I've done heroin.
Why would I be giving heroin
advice if I haven't done it?
You don't believe me?
No. You just said
that you'd die.
Let's get some heroin right now.
Come on, we're getting heroin.
Hello.
Hey, is Gary there?
He's at work. Who's this?
He's at work?
Where? Is he back
at the restaurant?
Who is this?
Okay, great. No, no, no. You ...
- No filming here, okay? Sorry.
- Gary.
Mark?
Comedian? Arsenio?
Holy shit, Mark!
Oh my God. Didn't
recognize you with the beard.
- Weird, eh?
- You look good.
You look amazing.
It's been a long time, man.
Holy shit. Is this your kid?
Eh, no.
Dude, are you famous now?
I'm still doing comedy,
but I'm not partying as much,
I'll tell you that.
Yeah? Good, man. Me too.
Me too.
I got clean.
I just had my big
chocolate cake last week.
Tasted really good, man. I'm ...
It's a whole new life for me.
Yeah. You want a cappuccino?
They have the best
cappuccino in the world.
- I'll get you some.
- You take a Guido pill?
You're Mr. Italiano now.
You ... Come on, I'm half-Italian.
You didn't know?
- I'm mezzo Italiano.
- Hey.
This place kind of brings
it out of me, you know.
Hey, get the fuck out of here.
"Hey, get the fuck out ... "
Ha, you're funny still, man.
That's bad.
Why?
In NA, cokeheads
get vanilla cake
and junkies get chocolate cake,
but not after being
clean for a long time.
That's great.
No.
- Alrighty. Alrighty. Alrighty.
- Hey.
Hey, I gotta say, man,
seeing someone
from the old days,
it's weird, right?
- So weird.
Fucking weird.
It's bringing back some
memories too, you know?
We used to do some wild shit,
he and me, you know?
Really fucked-up shit.
How old are you?
22. I can speak in front of him?
It depends what
you're gonna say.
Remember Linda Kim?
Oh, her tits.
Linda Kim's tits,
they were these fucking ...
- They so ... They were long.
- Yeah.
They drooped down,
like, beneath her pussy.
This one time I
was titty-fucking her,
she leaned forward,
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
I looked down, she put my dick
into her pussy
through her fucking tits.
I was titty-fucking her.
It was fucking amazing.
She died ...
You know, she died last year.
What?
Yeah. She choked to death.
What are you talking about?
On a fucking dick.
I don't keep track of Linda Kim.
Man. Shit.
How's the cappuccino?
Best in the fucking world, right?
It's ...
Could you get us heroin?
What's that?
It's for this documentary
we're doing.
You're making a documen ...
That's some Arsenio
shit right there, right?
That's some new material.
That's very funny.
Not so much, really. But ...
I'm not kidding.
You came here to get
heroin from me, Mark?
That shit almost killed me.
C'mon I'm not gonna
get you fucking ...
What do you want heroin for?
It's hard to explain.
We just thought we'd come
down get some contacts
and we would go do it, not you.
I got rid of all my contacts
when I got sober, man.
I'm ... I am happily clean.
I think you should leave, okay?
I'm sorry.
- Cool. Sorry.
- Yeah. Sorry.
We'll just ...
We'll go to the park
and we'll figure
it out eventually.
You're not gonna go to the park.
Those chicken walkers
cut that shit with rat poison,
it could kill you.
We're big boys, okay?
We can do this.
You're not gon ...
Ah, Ges Cristo.
Okay, I don't have
their number anymore,
but I know these guys,
they live on Flatbush,
but you cannot go there by
yourself. They'll fucking kill you.
Flatbush? By Rita's old place?
Yeah.
Your house? Your old house?
I stayed in the house for
two months without leaving.
I can see how you thought
I lived there.
Okay, but that's perfect now.
But listen to me, listen to me.
You cannot go
there by yourself. I ...
They will fucking end you.
They've killed
men in that house.
All right.
Mark, come on.
You're not going.
All right. Sure.
Good. So you're not gonna go.
Look, we got this.
Thank you so
much for helping out.
Okay. You know, but ...
We were never here.
I shouldn't have fucking
said anything, man.
- We appreciate your help.
- You're not gonna go, right?
You look good.
Imagine this never
happened, okay?
Poof! Big cloud of smoke.
Arrivederci.
Thank you.
God, grant me serenity to
accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change
the things I can.
Ah, motherfucker.
Don't look at 'em. ...
All right, this is it.
So, guys, just ... Just ...
I'm gonna go get
your fucking drugs.
I want you to stay here.
Don't move.
Do not fucking make eye
contact with anybody, okay?
And don't bring your camera out.
These people feel disrespected,
they will swarm you, they will
surround you, beat you,
spit in your mouth.
They'll take turns.
It's like a dominance thing,
I don't understand it.
All right.
So ...
Are you kidding me?
Bundles, fool.
Give me a fuck ...
Yes.
Fuck.
This turned into a
weird fucking day, man.
It did, right?
Man.
Man, this is so fucked-up.
I know. I wish you
could get some of this.
I wish you had hidden
cameras in your backpack.
I don't care about
the filming, dude.
What we're doing here?
Why we're here?
Who we're giving money to?
It's just fucked!
Will you stop being
such a fucking pussy?
A man is only as
good as his word, right?
I said I was gonna do something,
I followed through.
It's called character.
You're learning a
lesson here today.
Open your hand.
- There's your fucking heroin, all right?
- Thank you.
Clean cut. Welcome.
You're a good man.
- You're a good boy.
- Holy fuck.
Don't look at 'em. ...
We can do this here, but if
my roommate comes back,
he's gonna freak.
Okay.
Turn the camera on.
Hello, son.
This is heroin.
If you do this, you'll be
like me, and I'm dead.
We've got about one,
two, four, six, eight, nine?
We've got nine bags
here for some reason.
And most junkies would do
this whole bundle in
one session and be dead.
So I'm gonna show
you just from a key bump
how bad and how
evil this drug is.
Haven't done
this in a long time.
Okay, watch this.
Oh, that's a big one.
It makes you say weird
things because it stings.
I want to know what
the things that I said are.
They might be Chinese.
And our buddy, Bryan,
is gonna do a little bump too.
I'm not doing that.
It's my dying wish.
I gave you a dying
wish last night.
No, I said, "I think that was
one of my dying wishes."
- You didn't. You didn't.
- I said "wishes."
Wishes.
You said "wish."
Yeah, but it's one
of those words, listen.
My dy ... I have a
lot of dying wishes.
That's not how you say "wishes."
Wishes.
No. That's not how
you say "wishes."
No, you say it clear.
You have good diction.
Wishes. I'm kind of sloppy
when I talk and I go:
"Hey, I have a lot
of dying wishes."
Well, it doesn't matter.
I gave you a dying
wish last night. It's ...
I'm dying.
Is there any chance at all that
that could give me an overdose?
No.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, you should feel the
nod in about five seconds or so.
It's really evil.
I'm gonna puke.
Film this.
Film this!
Oh, it's not that bad, actually.
Um, Bryan?
What are ... ?
What are you doing?
What the fuck?
What is ... ?
- Who is this old dude?
- Shut up!
Bryan, you're not being a
very good roommate right now,
and I would really appreciate
it if you could please ...
What the fuck?
Oh, I'm hungry.
Try some of this.
It's space food.
No.
It's like eating a steak.
Hey. Gary?
Jesus Christ, Gary.
What happened?
You know, man,
I'm just standing here.
No, no, no. What the fuck
happened to your face?
My face?
You're all fucked-up.
Your lip's split open.
Oh, man, the guy ...
Yeah, these guys ...
They came out of nowhere and
they fucking beat me up, man.
And they took my shit.
What guys?
The dealers from
the other day, man.
One of them spat
in my mouth, man.
It fucking sucked.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Bryan, turn the camera on now.
You need to learn this.
This is called having
your homey's back
and doing what's right.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's up, niggas?
No!
No!
No, no, no!
Fucking Jesus Christ!
Jesus Christ!
What do you think
you're gonna do, huh?
You stupid motherfucker!
What the fuck?
Heh. Look at my shirt.
It's totally spotless.
Fuck your shirt.
We could've died back there.
I know. Don't you feel alive?
I've never felt more alive.
How did I end up here?
How did I end up
with this fucking fool?
How did you trick me
into listening to you?
I'm done.
What?
We gotta finish.
Finish what?
They have the camera.
Finish this fucking
bullshit project
that's just ruining
people's lives?
Come on, man, don't be a coward.
Be a man.
Be a man?
Be a fucking man?
You just got your
friend back on junk!
You lost your job and your wife
who's not even gonna
tell your son about you!
You thought she was
gonna show him these tapes?
Why would she do that?
You'd be a fucking awful father.
If you are my dad,
I'm glad you were never around.
Having you for a father would
be worse than no father at all.
That's how it was with
Jeff Foxworthy, you know.
He was working, I don't know,
real estate or some boring job
and then he tells his wife,
"I wanna do comedy."
And she supports him.
They probably have a tough time,
and I think they even
had kids at the time.
But he kicks ass and
the next thing you know,
he's got the Blue
Comedy comedy tour.
He's got his own cable guy.
He's even in that
shit movie Cars.
Is there any more of this?
Well, it is time to choose.
Will it be Ayel,
who is a pyromaniac,
smokes marijuana every day ...
- Gross.
and slept with her
male friend's girlfriend?
Man, let's get out of here.
And go where?
Let's go to a bar.
Let's pick up some
fucking chicks, man.
Pick up chicks?
Man, we live in New York City,
why are we sitting here watching TV?
A man who searches in
haste will never be found.
Once you discover yourself,
it is they who will
be picking you up.
You sound like a fat
chick trying to be sexy.
Fuck off.
Okay.
Sandwiches are big.
Whoa.
Must have been easy
to invent shit back then.
Hero sandwich.
Can I get a beer?
What do you want?
Can I see your wine list?
Thanks.
So, uh ...
Thanks.
Listen, there's something
I've been meaning
to talk to you about.
Um ... the other day,
when you and that old
guy were passed out ...
Oh, man, I don't even
hang out with him anymore.
That's good.
I don't want people
like that in my life.
Yeah. I'm sorry about that, man.
I really barely remember it,
I was so fucked-up on heroin.
Yeah.
Heroin?
Yeah. It's crazy.
It's ... I mean, it's
a really long story.
Just so you know, um,
hard drugs in my apartment,
kind of a no-no.
Wait, ... in your apartment?
You know if a cop saw that,
then I'm an accessory to,
like, literally ...
fuck.
What are you talking about?
What are you even
saying right now?
And another thing,
it's not your apartment.
It's my apartment.
I invited you to live with me.
Here we go with a classic
Capricorn overreaction.
Classic.
I want you to move out.
To what?
No. Listen, I don't think you're
understanding me right now.
What I'm saying ...
No. I understand perfectly.
I don't wanna be
around you anymore.
You're moving out.
No, I'm not.
You can't make me.
Okay, there's two
ways this can go down.
Option one:
you pack your shit
up and move out.
Option two:
I beat your ass right now
and then you pack your
shit up and you move out.
What if I want option two?
Well, that's a great option.
I actually prefer that option.
Do you wanna have a
short one here in the bar
or would you like to go
outside and have a real fight?
Fuck you, man.
You're a idiot!
Oh, so you don't want to fight?
I thought you just said
you wanted to fight me.
Did you hear that guy?
He called me "a idiot."
I know.
It's ironic because it's
such an idiotic thing to say.
I should've known
he was a douche
when he started
talking about astrology.
You know what?
I'm, like, borderline
obsessed with that shit.
But even I have to admit
that when guys are into it,
it's, like, really
not a good look.
Fuck! Right?
I mean, it's a game that
guys should just not play.
It's like hopscotch.
And I don't think girls
actually believe in it, either.
If you're in love with me,
it's not like you wouldn't
marry me because
you found out I was a
Scorpio or something.
Oh, so we're
getting married now?
No.
No, I mean, we're not
getting married for, like, a year.
What happened to your eye?
I thought I could help
people, you know.
I just ended up fucking
up everybody's life.
Fucked up my own life.
I'm like the King Midas of shit.
Everything I touch
turns to puke.
It's actually good
that I'm dying.
The world would be
better off without me.
My son won't know
what a fuck-up I am.
Was.
Are you gonna eat that?
Oh, my God! ...
Oh, my God!
I just realized something
really important.
And I have to do it
and I'll be right back,
I promise.
Trust me.
Where are you going?
Mark?
Mark.
Wake up.
You were right. Mostly.
No, you were right.
I'm a total deadbeat.
You're better off without me.
No. No, I'm not.
You were right about girls
and about how to dress
and about following your
dreams and not taking shit.
Oh, and also astrology.
You were right
about your character
and making your
word mean something.
Really?
Yeah.
This is you.
Okay.
Okay. So this is
what you taught me.
Yeah. I'm an idiot.
It's all a pile of shit.
No, it's not. It's not.
Just this little piece.
This piece here.
You see this?
That's collateral damage.
That's shit.
Because that says:
"Do whatever you need
to do to get the job done.
Fuck people over.
Do whatever it takes."
That's not what a man does.
A man takes
responsibility for his actions.
All of his actions.
That part's bad.
But all this is good.
All this is good?
Don't do that.
You started this thing
thinking you knew everything.
And I've learned a lot from you,
but I also learned
what not to do.
So now you can learn from that.
Do you get it?
That's a trip.
Because now, I'm learning
something from you.
Put that shit down.
Come on, buddy. Get up.
So the other day,
I was reading this
message board.
This guy made a post
where he was working
on a documentary.
And he's working
with an older guy.
Oh, yeah?
He doesn't know what to do.
He's feeling all complicated
because he's getting
all these feelings.
Yeah.
And he's been working with this
guy so long now that he, like ...
He really wants to fuck him.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
That's so stupid.
I know. It's so dumb.
So the guy in the message
board was asking if ...
What he should do about
this guy he wants to ...
Old dude he wants to fuck?
Yeah.
So, what did everyone
say he should do?
Dude.
You're gonna get your wife back.
I know.
Yeah. Right now.
You gotta go tell her the truth.
Never lie, remember?
She doesn't wanna
see my face right now.
Since when do you just give up?
You know, Zach
Braff made this movie
where he camps
out on this girl's ...
Yeah, The Last Kiss.
So Zach Braff, he camped out
on this girl's lawn for three days.
Margs doesn't have a lawn.
Well, she's got a sidewalk.
That's good enough.
You know what? You're right.
You're right.
Let's go.
This one's all you.
I've got unfinished business.
Okay.
All right.
I can't believe you
picked up that dog shit.
It wasn't dog shit.
Gary?
Is this the methadone clinic?
Cool job, man.
Hey, buddy. Buddy.
Can you spray me?
I'm filthy.
Aah! Get the face.
Okay, okay.
I'm gonna go get my wife back.
Do you know if you can get
DNA samples from feces?
Why?
Do you have AIDS?
- Okay. Wait, wait.
- No.
Ow, ow! My hand. My fingers.
I have cancer.
Is that some kind of joke?
What do you call that?
- That's your nipple.
- No.
That's my nipple, that
is a weird piece of gum.
What did the doctor say?
Internet said I have six
to eight months to live.
The Internet?
Are you fucking stupid?
I was trying to record
videos for our unborn son
so he'd have those when
he got older to live by.
That's like the Michael Keaton
movie that nobody saw.
He was not the first
person to think of that.
I don't think he thought of it.
He was in it, and it
was a stupid movie.
I started out doing videos
for him as a young boy ...
You're not dying.
You didn't even see a doctor.
I'm dying, so I made
a bunch of videos
to show our son what
it's like to be a man.
Then he could watch those.
When I started out,
I did normal stuff,
like playground stuff,
and then as it got older,
I got into the party scene
and I kind of got sucked in.
Yeah.
Yeah. You face-fucked
a little girl in a bathroom.
I am so sorry.
Is she alive?
What happened to her?
She's probably fine.
I saw the tape.
It looks like a snuff film.
Look, what's important is,
I let you down
at the most important
time of our lives,
and I'm so fucking
sorry about that, Margs.
I don't expect you
to forgive me, okay?
I'll move next door.
I'll earn my place back
into your heart, okay?
I'll do everything right,
I'm gonna be there for him,
whether you forgive
me or not, okay?
You do that on your own time.
I'm gonna be better.
I'm gonna be a real man.
Eventually, it's gonna get back
to like it was when we would ...
When we first Frenched.
Maybe you wanna French
a little tiny bit right now.
Fuck off, you fucking fucker!
My water just broke.
It went up my nose.
Oh, it burns.
You're doing great, Margot.
Gonna be just
a few more hours.
Hang in there, okay?
Hey, Doctor. Doctor.
Paging Dr. Bender ...
I know you're busy
and everything, but
I have this lump on my breast
and WebMD says
that it's breast cancer.
Are you trying to be funny?
No.
I know this isn't exactly
your department ...
You don't have breast cancer.
Did you drink my
fucking apple juice?
- Push. I can see the head.
- Fuck!
- One more push, Margot.
- No, no, no!
Get this fucking
thing out of me!
Fuck!
- It's a girl.
- Whoa.
You wanna cut
the umbilical cord?
No. You ... You do it.
It really is. You can see
the vagina and the genitalia.
People talk so much
shit on Merlot, and I'm like,
"It's a good wine."
I'm gonna do white Pinot.
What about you?
Hey.
I've got ... I'm ...
I'm making a painting.
Are you recording me?
So have you seen
your kid's dick?
Did you look at it or,
like, stare at it or ... ?
It's a girl, so ...
Oh, okay.
I swear, you look so familiar.
- I get that a lot.
- you're so pretty.
Oh, shut up.
You have a gorgeous mouth.
Delicious.
It's your dad.
If you're watching this,
I'm probably dead.
But this is the first
in a series of videos
where I'm gonna show you
how to be a stand-up guy.
I'm gonna teach you how
to fight, like, literally fight,
and how to stand
up for yourself.
I'm gonna teach
you about, you know,
your word and
character and all this stuff.
And I'm not just gonna
yell at the computer,
I'm gonna have ...
I'm gonna film it myself
and demonstrate live
exactly how to do everything.
How am I gonna do that?
Fuck.
Hike!
What did you
close your eyes for?
Can't expect to catch a
pass with eyes closed.
I didn't.
You flinched.
I saw you.
You don't think they
gave me this ball
for flinching, do you?
Every college in the east
had a scout there that day.
Last one.
Basic thrust.
Hold it here.
Hold it here.
And we're gonna
start building ...
Are you satisfied with
the way you play football?
Bryan?
Oh, shit.
Bryan?
Bryan, come down here.
I'm coming.
God.
I just saw this post.
It's an old friend of mine.
He's looking for a cameraman
to help him make a video.
- I don't know.
- You should call ...
What do you mean you don't know?
And wait a minute, what
are you doing here anyway?
Don't you have your own place?
Didn't I move you into
your own apartment?
I don't have Internet.
How much is Internet?
It's, like, a hundred dollars.
Oh, then, like, you need a
job and, like, you need money.
You think people are
standing out on the street
handing out jobs to film majors?
By the way, how much did you
make up in your room today, huh?
Yeah, you're probably
masturbating to some MILFs.
Oh, gross, Mom.
Who is this guy?
Mark McCarthy.
He was a really funny
comic back in the late '80s.
He was on Arsenio Hall
and everything.
And now he works
for an ad agency.
He works for an ad agency?
You don't wanna make
commercials because you're too artsy?
It is a last resort.
And that's what you do when
you can't get any other work.
Oh, shut your mouth,
you smell like marijuana.
You are calling him.
So, what are you gonna do today?
I have errands all day.
Well, if Housewives
comes on, I'm not waiting.
I'm not a Housewives guy.
So, if you wanna have an
affair with them, that's fine.
I'm also pretty
confident about it
because I know you
can't get pregnant.
That is true.
Once you pop a baby in,
it seals up and then ...
You don't worry
about affairs after that.
Right. Like, I could
get jizzed in, like, three
or four times a day and
you would never know.
Don't say that.
You could go off
and run your errands
and I could just be like,
"Jizz in me."
And it's, like, you wouldn't
know. I'm pregnant.
To a lot of guys,
this is a turn-on.
Some guys, they wanna
jizz in a pregnant lady.
Okay. I tuned back
in and it's still going.
They wanna pop it in ...
Like, what if the baby ... ?
What if they jizzed
in the baby's mouth?
Hi, I'm Bryan.
Hi. Mark.
What kind of movie is this?
What kind of hat is that?
Are you a light bulb?
You look like a handsome Chinese
man stuffed into a child's body.
And that hat.
How much is that hat?
Uh, I don't know.
I think it was like 15 bucks.
Fifteen bucks.
Here. Here's 20 bucks.
- Why?
- And you can keep the change ...
because I don't wanna
look at that all day.
Let's go.
So, what's your deal anyway?
Are you ... ?
Are you, like, a little kid?
What do you mean? I'm 22.
Twenty-two.
Wow.
How did you hear
about this?
Actually, my mom
showed it to me.
She's Facebook friends with you.
She showed me your post.
Your mom is Facebook
friends with me?
Yep.
Wow. I'm old.
I'm old enough to be your dad.
That's intense.
What's her name?
Barbara Gershgorn.
Barbara Gershgorn.
Yeah.
She worked at a
comedy club in the '80s
and she said
you did a lot of stand-up.
Is that her right there?
Yeah.
She looks a lot like a chick
I used to fuck, but older.
If she is who I think she is,
she had this thing
with her pussy
where it was like a
horse eating an apple,
and it would sort of
devour your cock, like ...
Her pussy would
give you a blow job
and you were almost
worried it's gonna pfft,
pop off and go flying in her.
Those were the days, man.
I was on Arsenio,
did coke with Sam Kinison.
Now I watch reality TV and
feel guilty if I'm up past midnight.
So when do we get to the part
where you tell me about the job?
Is not a job.
It's an opportunity.
So you're not gonna pay me?
Yes. I am gonna pay you in ...
knowledge!
I need you to film
me teaching you
everything to know about life.
And I need you to do it now
because I'm not gonna
be around for long.
Why? Where are you going?
Heaven. I'm dying.
I have breast cancer.
Are you joking?
My aunt just died
of breast cancer.
First of all, I don't
make jokes like that.
Secondly, I'm not
thrilled about it.
If it was up to me,
I'd have a way cooler cancer,
like rock 'n' roll cancer,
all right?
If we keep talking about it,
I'm gonna have a bad trip.
Men can get breast cancer?
Yes, they can!
Let's move on!
All right. So, what do
you need me to do?
Okay. I need you to film me
giving a bunch of life
lessons to my unborn son.
Isn't that ...
Isn't that kind of like
that Michael Keaton film?
"Isn't that kind of like
Michael Keaton film?"
People make videos for
the future all the time, okay?
Is called a time capsule.
Now, pull out your
camera and start filming.
I'm gonna start the video series
at the age where he'll
start understanding videos.
So I'm thinking, like, 11.
I've got a prosumer
HD cam and this Flip.
Which would you like me to use?
I don't know.
I don't know
you're talking about.
But yeah, just start filming.
I wanna observe
boys' natural habitat.
And I don't want people
to get the wrong idea.
That's what the sign's about.
Left, left! Right, right!
Okay.
Yeah. In the face, in the face!
You see that?
Don't be a pussy.
The thing about bullies is,
they're always gonna be there.
You understand?
All you have to do to end a
bully is bonk him on the nose.
That's it.
Even if you get in a fight
later and you lose the fight,
the fact that you
were that much trouble
means he's never gonna
mess with you again.
Now, I know what you're saying.
"Dad, what if I do get in
a fight? How do I fight?"
Great question.
Let's show you.
Okay?
So, when someone attacks
you and it's gonna go down,
you just gotta be super-fast
and go, "Oh, shit, here we go."
Employ a super-fast combination,
then get the hell out of there.
Because what that
does with the brain is,
it bonks it against the skull.
And that does way more
damage than just boop.
You wanna go boo, boo.
So the poor brain
goes bam, bam, bam.
And that's when you
get a pass out. Okay?
And it helps to use bad grammar.
It makes you sound tougher.
"Look, I don't want no trouble."
Right?
Now, once you know that,
once you have the
basics of fighting down,
all of a sudden, bullies
aren't so intimidating.
The fight isn't a big deal.
It's a very uncomfortable
six seconds
and then it's done.
It's just like diarrhea.
The way a dog can smell fear,
a bully can smell confidence.
And now, when you see a bully,
you're just sort of like,
"Hey, buddy, what's going on?"
"Oh, cute, he's a tough guy.
You're being ... Look, everyone,
we got a tough guy here."
And then he senses that,
and gets freaked out.
There's nothing easier than
taking down a tough guy.
Because he's not really a
tough guy if he's acting like one.
Let me show you.
Get your stuff.
Let's go to this pack.
You're not even hitting him.
Come on, kick
the shit out of him.
Hey.
Don't you be filming me, bitch.
You two faggots wanna
get fucked in the ass?
What are you doing
with that camera?
Mark! What is going on?
Bryan!
- Right there.
- You're gonna get it.
Yes!
You motherfuckers
are going to jail!
You're going to jail!
Oh, cramping,
cramping, I'm cramping.
I'm cramping.
I'm cramping.
Dude, we just beat up children.
It's collateral damage.
If you're making an omelet,
you gotta break some eggs.
You punched a kid in the nuts.
Yeah.
Did you hear him? He said he
was gonna fuck us in the ass.
He was a rapist.
- Let's get out of here.
- Okay.
Why would anybody
eat in a tapas place?
"Oh, I'm in the mood
for one oily meatball.
One piece of bacon."
I wouldn't mind bringing my
oily meatballs to a topless place.
Oh, my God.
What is that?
Wow, full turnaround
you just had.
No, it wasn't for her.
It was for her socks sandal ...
Oh.
I can't believe you care
about women's clothes.
Like you're so metrosexual.
That's not women's clothes.
That's my whole point.
She's dressed like a German man.
She has sandals and
socks on, like a weird
goth from Stuttgart.
- This is, like,
still a thing with you.
That was a beautiful girl.
You're like a hair
above being gay.
- I would not fuck her.
- Wow.
These are amazing, sweetie.
Thanks for making them.
Yeah. Thanks so
much, Mrs. McCarthy.
They're delicious.
So, what are you
guys doing, anyway?
Um, we can't tell you.
It's a surprise.
For me?
No.
Then why can't you tell me?
We just can't.
Okay.
Well, that's good, actually,
because I was worried
I was gonna have to,
like, expend the energy
caring, and I just ...
I don't have that
time today, you know?
I'm, like, really busy.
I've got a lot of
things to think about,
like why do my
feet hurt so much?
- She doesn't know I'm dying.
- Why are my toes so fat?
Do I still have ankles? I don't.
I don't have ankles anymore.
It's just, like, leggy ...
Okay, pal. If you're
watching this tape,
you're probably a new teen,
you've got tons and tons of zits
and your pubes
look kind of weird.
This is around the age
where you start developing
your funny bone, okay?
You're gonna have
riffs with friends.
They're gonna get more
and more advanced.
There's two categories
with friend riffs,
either I'm gonna fuck you,
or I'm gonna kill you.
The peak, top, coolest,
best joke you can
have with a buddy is this:
"I was just reading in this
magazine about this guy
that super wants to
sleep with his best friend.
It was so stupid.
I was like, 'What? Ha-ha-ha.
I don't know.
Why are they ... ?
It was a questionnaire.
'Why are they talking
about this? Weird.'"
And if your friend is hilarious,
right? He'll go, "Really?
What did ... ?
What did it say he should do?"
Ha-ha-ha. Okay?
Once you got there,
you're at the very top and
everything else is gravy.
What else? What else? What else?
Astrology. If a dude
asks you about astrology,
you shouldn't even
know your sign, okay.
Astrology is for babysitters.
The second someone asks you
about astrology, you just go, hmm.
And walk off.
Also, never say
"Like, literally", okay?
Those are the two
worst things you can say.
"Like" means "sort of."
And "literally" means
"exactly." Okay?
"Like, literally"
is a contradiction.
That's how you know
you're with a bad dude,
because he's not
holding himself as a man.
A man has decorum, okay?
A man presents himself properly.
And that means you have
to dress like you're in control.
Let me see this
for a second here.
Now, this is Bryan,
he's no son of mine,
but he's not a bad guy.
But I'm seeing a
lot of problems here.
First of all, what is
all this extra fabric?
Do you find your clothes
by the side of the road?
You look like someone who lost
maybe 200 pounds an hour ago.
And these.
These shower shoes
the kids are wearing today.
What if you're walking
and you get in a fight?
"My God, get this
guy out of here."
Look at that.
- Dude.
- Okay? You need to be apt.
You need to be
able to move around.
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna get
you a whole new look
starting right now, all right?
You're gonna look like a man,
then I'll teach you
to act like a man.
All right, let's get started.
Well, there's nothing
there I wanna ...
There.
Your makeover is complete.
Thank you.
Let's just do this
top button here.
It makes you look
like a sexy murderer.
Do you need those glasses?
For reading and driving.
Okay, you shouldn't
read when you drive.
Oh, all right.
This is a man.
Bryan came in here dressed
like a mentally ill
assassin at a sleepover
and he's leaving here a man.
You look good, buddy.
How do you feel?
Thanks, man.
I feel great.
How you feeling?
How do I feel?
I feel bad.
I'm dying.
I do think she looks better.
It's funny, though, how,
like, they reformed them,
but she's wearing as much
eyeliner as she always was.
But at least she has, like,
a softer lip, which I like.
You can't do eyes
and lip, you know,
because then it's just too much.
You gotta just pick one
because, otherwise, you're like ...
It looks like you give
BJs on the first date, right?
Mark.
Mark?
Yeah?
Doesn't she look better?
She's cute now.
Heh. Nice shirt, cowboy.
Hurry up.
Okay, grooming for
a man is very simple.
You take your soap bar,
you lather up your pubes.
That's how you
get a lather going,
with the friction, right?
Then take those suds
and peel back your foreskin
and wash your head like that:
You do your balls.
You get down there, all right?
You turn around, you get
your ass crack, all right?
And then it's just
diddley diddley dee.
One armpit, doodle doodle doo.
One armpit. Done.
No shower for a man should
be more than one minute long.
Oh, morning, honey.
What are you guys doing?
I told you.
He's filming with me.
Why?
He's doing a documentary on me.
Why?
On ... On comed ...
On people who used
to be comedians.
Well, that sounds pretty boring.
That sounds boring?
You're saying I'm boring?
We're boring. Sort of, yeah.
I don't know about you,
but I consider boring
to be about the worst
thing you can be.
Well, sorry, but that's what
you are now, so get used to it.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Once I poop this baby out,
there's not gonna be any
late-night partying, okay?
There's not gonna be
doing whatever you want
or your stupid,
like, fart jokes.
No more fart jokes?
Okay, got it.
You don't get to
do shit anymore.
I'm home, you're home.
We are boring!
- Fascinating.
- Time to grow up, okay?
I'm having a child,
I don't need two.
Oh, okay. I get it now!
I'm boring and I'm a child!
I'm a boring child!
Yeah, bingo, you got it!
You're being basically insane!
- Get out of my bathroom.
- I'm sorry.
Hey, little buddy.
This is your dad's office.
This is where I
worked before I died.
I've got a boner theme
that's going throughout
the whole office.
I know it has kind
of a rapey vibe.
And I keep all my
rapey vibes in here,
so things don't get
too out of control.
This holds 98 percent
of everything I own.
The rest is all bullshit.
Hey, guys. I told you
about the documentary
I'm doing, so I
assume that's cool.
Yeah. Yeah. Whatever.
So great, we're all here.
CarPast is a thing
where you can check out
the history of a
used car online,
see if it's been
in any accidents.
Damages you might not
necessarily see cosmetically.
Can I do my thing? Because
I already have this nailed.
Great. Go.
All right, I'm gonna need
a prop. Let's use you, Rob.
Your body is perfect for this.
Okay.
Guy's at a used-car lot, right?
He's looking at cars, dubious chap.
Hmm. "I don't like that one."
Hmm. He's smart.
He knows what he's doing.
Then he sees this third car.
We don't acknowledge that
it's a hot chick in a car costume.
Okay, imagine these
if they were perfect tits.
And she's got that thing on
where, you know, when
you can't see correctly?
When you have a costume on,
you have to go like that:
I love ... That's
comedy gold right there.
And so I look at her,
and I'm treating her like
any other car, and I go,
"You all right?"
And she goes,
"Yeah, fine. Fine."
And then we sort of draw
out a stare where I'm going:
And then she's sort of going:
And then, bloop, some sweat
comes from her face, right?
And then I decide to
test my hunch and I go ...
And I just start pushing
on her stomach, right?
And then, as I'm pushing, worst,
grossest, food poisoning fart.
Like: ...
And I just go, "I knew it."
You're kidding, right?
No.
Wait, are you kidding?
Okay. All right, no, no.
I mean, that's ...
It's fine for us joking
around in here,
but if we sent them that,
the client might think we ...
Well, they might
question our competence.
I thought I was gonna get
a hundred high-fives here.
You're not gonna
take it to the client?
This is a little bit too much
bathroom humor for this brand.
You guys do your job, okay?
I do my job. My job is being funny.
You don't get funny.
Sorry, okay?
Who here has been on Arsenio?
Hands up.
One person.
This is a half-a-million-dollar
commercial.
I am not sending
them a fart joke.
Farts are comedy gold,
you idiot!
So wait, I'm ... I'm
gonna run around
defending your
farts now, is that it?
Look at a Ben Stiller movie.
Talk to the South Park guys.
We don't love it.
We don't like sitting,
typing out fart jokes,
but they pay the bills.
Look at anything
that's made money.
It has a fart joke in it because
it goes back to cave days, brrt.
Everyone laughed at that.
Okay.
Relax, all right? I'm not
sending that to the client.
It's not like I'm firing you.
You can't fire me.
I can, actually.
Because I fucking quit!
What is Arsenio? Is that ...?
I hope you got all that. I hope
you filmed every fucking drop.
Really?
You're quitting over
a grade-school joke?
It's not about toilet
humor, Tony, okay?
It's about you preventing
me from doing my job
because you don't
get that art takes risks.
That computer
doesn't belong to you.
You know what?
Fuck you, dude!
Really? Ho ... ? Are you
gonna do this to me every week?
Just ... Will you just be
a man and apologize?
- And we can move past this.
- Be a man and apologize?
You want me to apologize?
Okay. How's this
for an apology, Tony?
Did you hear that?
That was my worst fart
and it still got a laugh.
I'm sick of pretending
I'm not talented.
Ugh! Fuck!
You guys like comedy?
Why not?
I don't like women for
one very simple reason.
They don't fart.
So I can't relate to them.
Farting is my everything.
It's what I live for.
And I don't just love
the smell of my own farts,
like I know you guys do.
I see you.
I know you scoop 'em.
I know you sit on
the toilet and you go,
"Whoa, that one reeked,"
and you enjoy it.
I'm with you on that, obviously.
I like the smell of
my friends' farts.
If a friend lets
one rip in the car,
I don't want the
windows wound up.
I wanna enjoy it
like a rare cheese.
I'm interested in its origin.
"Did it burn your anal
lips when it came out?
Did you know it was
gonna be this bad?
That has a very sort of
powerful after-tang to it.
It's got a roadkill
kind of vibe.
Do you eat dead rats?"
I'm sort of a fart gourmand.
I'm like the Mario Batali
of farts.
I quit my job for this.
Yup.
I quit my job,
got a pregnant wife,
and I'm dying of
male breast cancer.
Dude, I slayed.
Yeah, the part where
you were telling the truth.
Yeah, duh. Ever heard of
"It's funny because it's true"?
That's a lesson
for you. I never lie.
Always tell the truth.
Hey, Mark, can I talk
to you for a second?
Curt.
Did I kill or did I kill?
Yeah, sure, you killed it, baby.
I wanna thank you
for letting me perform.
Okay. But the problem
is you were required
to bring 15 heads to the
club and you only got six, so ...
Seven.
He didn't pay.
Okay, take me to comedy jail.
You owe me $135.
I still can't believe I'm dying.
It's not sinking in.
My dad's still alive.
I never knew my dad.
Really?
That blows.
Does your mom know who he is?
No. She wasn't really ...
A little tiny bit of a slut.
Hold on.
When I first met you
I was joking around
about being your dad,
but I'm starting to
think it could be true.
What year were you born?
Wow, that's when I was really
wasted and doing a lot of drugs.
And that picture
of your mom looks
pretty familiar.
Where have you been?
Guess what I did tonight.
Doing stand-up and killing.
Well, I mean, it was ...
I killed. Killed.
Ah. I didn't know you
still wanted to do comedy.
It's who I am.
I just got out there on-stage
and I realized this is
what I'm about, you know?
Okay. Well, as long as it
doesn't interfere with your job.
I quit my job.
What?
No, this is a new beginning.
Are you serious?
- You quit your job?
- Oh, my God.
You quit your job
that gives you benefits
and a salary while your
pregnant wife is at home.
Are you trying to give
me a miscarriage?
I'm going to storm
out of here very slowly.
I'm trying to be true to myself,
setting an example for the kid.
- Why would you do that?
- You need to relax.
That is a fucking
stupid thing to do!
I'm following my passion.
Your passion is stupid!
Shouldn't you ... ?
Take out the camera.
I got something.
Get it out now.
All right.
Hey, buddy.
You're probably in
your late teens by now,
and that means
you're super-horny
and all you can
think about is women.
I want you to know
that women are very
hard to deal with, okay?
They just sort of spew emotions
like this big
tsunami of diarrhea.
You have to get out of
the way when that happens
and sort of grab your
surfboard and ride the waves
and sort of manipulate the ...
the insanity to work for you
in a way that's not easy to do.
Actually, cut. Cut.
I have an awesome idea.
Follow me.
We don't deal with them
unless they pay less.
All right, all set.
Okay.
The hardest thing in the
world to do is the cold call.
What's a cold call?
Cold call ... You gotta
let me finish here, okay?
The cold call is when you
don't know the chick at all
and you're walking up to her
and saying, "Hey, how you doing?"
Just by doing that,
you're 100 percent admitting
that you're there just
because she's pretty.
You don't know anything
about her personality,
and so, what you're basically
doing is walking up and saying:
"Hi, I'm shallow."
That's a big hurdle to get over.
The crucial thing here is
that you understand that it ...
Women don't want some
nice, sweet, corny guy, okay?
They want a man.
They wanna be safe.
They wanna feel protected.
All right? That's your job.
They wanna be rescued.
They want a knight.
They want ...
We have to save
the damsel in distress.
Yeah.
The problem is,
what kind of danger
are they in in a bar?
Yeah.
You know, there's
no damsel in distress.
No, there's no ... Yeah.
Princess in a high tower.
So, what we're gonna do is,
we're gonna fabricate
the princess in the
high tower, okay?
Sure.
Son, when we come back,
Bryan here is going to be doing
what I like to call the
"wasted wingman."
Okay, cut.
And what is that, exactly?
Okay, do you see
those girls over there?
Yeah.
I need you to totally
creep them out.
Dude, I don't wanna do that.
Yes, you need to
be a wasted dude
that is bumming them
out so I can rescue them.
Dude, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm your father and I'm
telling you, you have to do that.
You're not my dad.
Well, I may have just
cum in your mom's cunt.
Man, enough of that shit.
Come on.
It's my dying wish.
You ever heard of death row?
They eat whatever they
want for their last meal.
They'll have ice cream
and steak, whatever.
This is my ice cream steak.
After I moved him across
the country in a U-Haul.
- Oh, my God.
- Wait, what did you say?
Hi. That's really se ...
That's really sexy.
That's really ...
It looks really good.
You know, I think you guys
maybe take ... Take a bath together.
What the hell, man? Well ...
Hey, hey, hey.
- What are you doing?
- Hey, fuck you.
No, fuck you, motherfucker.
Act like I just whispered
something super-scary.
Get out of here.
What are you drinking?
It was a gin and tonic,
but don't worry about it.
I'm worried about it. Gin and tonic?
And what about you?
Same.
Two gin and tonics, please.
Oh. I'm glad you are strangers.
If you were my wife,
I would've murdered him.
Not ... I'm not married.
I'm just saying like if I ...
My sister or whatever.
Because your adrenaline is like:
Were you scared?
Yeah, I was a little bit.
Sort of.
Did you hear about that
bum on Bowery recently,
who stabbed a guy in the eye
with a fork at Moby's tea shop?
Yeah, the guy just said,
"Can you move, please?"
And the bum goes, prrt.
Oh, God.
Through his eye into his brain.
I'm more scared of drunk
guys than I am of gangsters.
With a gangster,
you think he might have a gun,
a bum definitely has a fork.
He doesn't have anything
to eat, but he's got a fork.
You were fucking amazing,
by the way.
Dude, I don't remember anything.
Literally, I just shut off
and went into autopilot
and watched myself
from outside my body.
See that thing I
did where I said,
"What if we were married?"
Threw a wife thing in there?
You slip into the friend
zone if you don't do that.
Yeah, yeah, but you
had them laughing
like the whole time.
What if you're just not funny?
The secret to humor
is brutal honesty, right?
With some vulnerability on top,
and then just a sprinkling
of insightful commentary
or some kind of pun to
tie it in a bow at the end.
Like, I actually
am scared of bums.
But sometimes I get
nervous, you know?
I ... I get shaky,
my voice, it trembles.
Do you know about shitty tits?
It's the best-kept secret in
the history of picking up chicks.
Are you ready?
If you're intimidated by a girl
and she seems too hot for you.
just imagine her
having the worst breasts
in the entire universe.
But I don't just
mean not great tits,
I mean the worst sagging,
wrinkly, veiny, Star Wars bar monsters
with huge lumpy nipples and
a giant cavernous belly button
with coarse hairs going
down in a big hair trail,
and big, like, broom bristles.
Zit, zit, zit.
Like a homeless
Romanian 90-year-old
who's dying of tumors.
Oh, my God, you're
gonna make me puke, dude.
Are you a virgin?
That's, like ...
Oh, my God, you are!
Oh, my God, I have so
much knowledge to impart.
I don't know where to begin.
Okay.
If you feel like you're
gonna cum too soon,
imagine Kevin Spacey's head,
7 feet tall,
floating above the bed,
and just focus on that.
Uh, if she takes you home,
that means "yes."
Oh, and "no" doesn't mean no.
Three "noes" means no.
One "no" is like, uh, maybe.
Two "noes" is you're
not doing a good job.
Three "noes" is get
out of there, give up.
You have to
understand with women.
You can totally subjugate them,
defile them, abuse them.
You can make them a
colostomy bag for your cum
if, and this is a big if,
if you treat them like
a human being after.
You wipe your cum off the face.
"Oh, no, who did
this to my baby?"
You know? You have to make her
breakfast. You have to eat her out.
Dude, it's so much to remember.
You don't know how to
eat out a chick, do you?
Dude, of course.
I mean, come on.
That wasn't even close.
What do you mean?
Okay.
What you just showed
me right there was this:
I'm just like you, buddy.
I wanna get in there.
I'm hungry.
I'm a pig at the trough.
Okay? But you're like an eel
going into someone's body.
That's freaky for a lady.
Right? You gotta
ease her into it.
Imagine she's like
a wild, crazy horse.
You don't go,
"Hey, crazy horse," tickle, tickle.
Like, grab his nuts. Bssh.
They'll just kick you out
of the way. You have to go:
"It's okay, Crazy Horse,
stay calm."
You start her at the
very beginning, okay?
You just lay your
tongue on her vagina
just like a wet rug.
Just plop it down, okay?
And then you know what you do?
Nothing.
One-1000, two-1000, three-1000.
We're just sitting there,
she's thinking,
"Okay. Now he's not a hungry
beaver eating out my corn,
but what's going on down there?
Nothing is going on.
Oh, no, wait, something
is going ... Oh, what's this?
We're moving right to left.
We've got some momentum here
and we're probably starting.
Okay, we're st ...
What happened?
Uh ... Oh, I guess he sto ...
Oh, here we go again.
Oh, there's a fast one.
No ... "
You see? You're
building anticipation here.
You have to be
totally unpredictable.
So you're starting and then:
"Oh, I'm done.
I'm not doing it anymore.
No, I'm back.
Now I'm going fast."
Windshield wipers,
windshield wipers.
Oh, now the battery's low ...
So now she's going,
"Is he gonna eat this
thing or what? Come on."
That's sending the blood down.
All the nerve endings
are getting blood.
Everyone in the whole body,
"Hey, hear about this pussy-eating thing going on?"
And everyone goes to the vagina.
"Oh, I gotta check this out."
Around now you start
feeling some juices going.
Once you feel the juices,
that's the time
to ramp it up a bit,
and maybe, just maybe,
see, you don't even know,
maybe get a frequency going.
"Oh, boy, here we go.
Now we're cooking with gas.
Doot doo doo, doot doo doo.
Now we're gonna go to the end.
Now we're feeling some ... "
What ... ?
Just wait it out.
"What is he doing?"
Now you start feeling this.
"Oh, my God. Oh, please, please, please."
Anticipation, "Please lick it. Please lick it."
"I might. I might just get
up and go to work right now.
I might go up and
have a bowl of cereal."
"No, I'm not. Now, I'm ... "
And then she's like,
"Oh, fuck, thank God.
He's not giving up."
Now we're gonna go to the finish line.
We feel the quivering.
It's just a mound of mucus.
And it's time to do the
whole beaver thing, right?
Just start like that.
Go as fast as you can, right?
Wrong!
Now, the final 10 percent,
we do what's called
"the man in the boat isolation."
Okay, so you just
wanna focus on this guy.
The man in the boat? The clit.
You see, there's all kinds of labia
and hair and crap around there.
So you just wanna push
all that aside with your mouth
and just focus on
the man in the boat.
And now you just
start giving him.
And you're just ...
Punching bag, speed bag.
Bdda-bdda-bdda-bdda-bdda.
And you just slap the
shit out of it. "You fucker.
You owe me 300 bucks.
You keep lying about it."
Bam, bam, bam.
You suck it all in and
you create a vacuum.
And you're just going,
boom, boom, boom.
And it's going, "Holy shit."
And rrt, and it's gonna hurt,
okay, because your
tongue's exhausted.
But you gotta go for the goal.
You keep going, rrt.
"Oh, Jesus Christ."
Now you're going
fucking bananas on it.
Now you're that
beaver eating the corn.
"Oh, fucking ..."
And then, once it's all over,
instead of getting up and
going, prrt, you go, whew.
And you go back to that
wet rug from the beginning.
You just bookend it with that.
Just lay it down there
for a few seconds.
And you're done.
And now she's yours, forever.
Thank you. Thank you.
Let's go get some coke.
What is this place?
It's a gay bar.
What, like, with gay people?
No.
I was just staring. You know,
so I'm in the other seat
and I'm just staring.
Still, he got really angry
about the whole thing.
And I was sitting there,
I was like ...
Hey.
I don't know if you
guys remember me.
I used to come in here
all the time. I'm Mark.
Mark.
- Yeah, you're Jo.
- Jo.
- Sparkles.
- Yeah.
Just give me a 20 bag.
It's another 60, it's 80 bucks.
You don't do 20 bags anymore?
Yeah, I do 20 bags,
if you take a time machine
and go back 30 years.
What are you talking about,
20 bags, this fucking guy?
Oh, man, that's so much blow.
There. Thanks for the
year's supply of coke.
- Let me see your dick.
- Oh, come on.
Are you kidding me?
You're still doing that?
Eh. Quick. Just quick.
Fuck.
This is humiliating.
- Here we go.
- Not bad.
Turn ...
Flip it over a little ...
Okay. All right.
Let me see your dick?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- Just pull it out for one second.
- No. I'm not doing that.
- Just flash it, zoop.
- No.
Quick shot of your cock.
Just let me see your cock.
Do you want coke or not?
No, I don't, actually.
It's all right.
- Really?
- Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead.
- It's all you. Take it.
- Thanks a lot.
All right, guys.
What was that?
I know, right?
It looked like a
Rob Zombie clown
joined Tenacious D or something.
No, you let him
sexually assault you.
Uh, I don't see it that way.
And you said "thank you."
Cops have a mental vocabulary
when it comes to crime, okay?
If they see you tapping
out coke on your hand
or using a key bump, they go:
"Hey, I know what that is.
I have a trigger."
But when you do something crazy,
like what I like to
call a palm bump ...
Oh, man.
... they just see
a mentally-ill guy
slicking back his hair, right?
You just do it in
public like that?
Do what? I just went like this,
and I thought about
something and I'm ...
It's called
perceptual blindness.
When the Indians first saw
the boats come with Columbus,
they didn't see anything
because their brains didn't
have a department for that.
So they couldn't handle them.
They just went, "I see nothing,
just an ocean."
What do you mean?
You can become invisible to cops
if you do cocaine
in a weird way.
You're gonna lose
some on your face, but ...
Can I try?
Sure.
Wow, you have a gift.
You have a tiny bit on
your nose and that's about it.
Okay. Let's do bar etiquette,
number 37.
This is the 340th rule
of page A, section B.
Wow, that's a lot of them.
Man in a bar doesn't have
a credit card, has cash,
orders the cheapest beer around.
Can we get two of your
cheapest beers, please?
Okay? You notice I didn't
have a fruity drink, okay?
I'm not trying to
disguise the fact
that we're eating
rotten barley and oats.
- Yeah.
- You understand? This is poison.
We're here basically
at a alcohol crack house
to poison our bodies.
They don't do that with heroin.
They don't have
strawberry heroin, right?
I don't know.
We should get some heroin.
What, dude?
Yes.
And I'm not getting a wine
or a cocktail or some
sort of fruity drink
where you have to hold the stem.
"Oh, the stem.
I have a little flower.
I'm a smart lady,
I'm a businesswoman."
We don't do that, right?
Get that guy out of here.
Get that guy out of here.
Those are stupid.
With your credit card cocktails.
Ladies, I would
like to introduce you
to a fucking asshole.
This guy came up to
me outside and he said,
"I would like to apologize,
dude. I was wasted."
I go, "Wrong gender, man.
You got to apologize to
those two girls in the bar."
Yeah.
I'm really sorry,
I was really drunk,
and it's really
stupid and I'm sorry.
Whatever.
We are totally over it, right?
We are. We're over it.
Beautiful.
We're over it. We're over it.
The trio of victims
accept your apology.
Whoa.
I don't remember
you being as hot.
Did you do something
since we were last here?
I have to talk to you.
If we talk, I'm gonna have
to talk like this ... a blind man.
Every time I look at you,
it's like a flashbulb went off
and I can see your
face everywhere.
- Stop.
- It's like staring at the sun.
You know what I want?
I want Sharia Law in here.
Can we get two burkas
for the ladies, please?
Oh, my God.
This is getting too intense,
I can't hack it.
It's too much.
It's like Medusa in reverse.
What, they're, like,
turning statues into people?
Yes.
That's what they're doing.
Look at this guy. He's
bugging you when he's drunk.
Now he's sober,
he's a metaphor nut.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Whoa, Dude, what are you doing?
I'm having some fun, my man.
Please tell me you have coke.
That is so.
This is really good shit,
it's super-strong.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's gonna make your
whole face go numb.
I'm just gonna
break it in for you.
Aah. Pa-koo-ahh!
There you go.
There's that and there's that.
Oh, my God.
You're so fucking hot.
Oh, I wanna see your
tits so fucking bad.
Let me see your tits.
Holy fucking shit,
they are so perfect.
Oh, my God.
I love your tits.
I love your fucking
tits so much.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck, take it out.
Oh, my fu-ckin' God.
The fact that you
believe it's gonna happen,
and some of that is
delusion and some of that ...
God bless you.
Some of that is
just perseverance
and faith and all
those good things
that people try not
to believe in anymore,
but it works, and one day
something changes
and you feel better.
And you hit it. I don't
think it's a delusion at all.
- Rolling Stone said maybe our next Richard ...
- Right?
I love your fucking
tits so much.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck, take it out.
Oh, my God.
Come on, are you kidding me?
Oh, great.
The ... My Clarks fit in with ...
Vintage Nikes, those ...
Just throw those on the ...
Ow! You just hit me.
Those are my custom
Chuck Tayl ... Ow!
You just hit me with
a steel-toed boot.
Can I get some clothes, please?
Those are yours. That's a shoe.
Oh, great. I'm not a millipede.
Okay, we're good for shoes.
I'd like some pants.
Oh, for fuck sakes.
Are you ... ?
Why are you filming this?
Do you wanna talk
about what just happened?
Absolutely not.
Your wife just kicked you out.
Yeah? Well, maybe she's
collateral damage too.
Don't film this.
- I don't have anything ...
- That's him!
You! You kick my
son in the nuts?
I don't know who that is.
That's him, Dad.
Sure as shit.
Get him!
Okay. This is a big man.
One more for the road, bitch.
Fuck.
Why didn't you have my back?
Ever heard of having
a homey's back?
See that guy sucker punch me?
Yeah.
Oh, great. Now I'm that guy.
You know what a fight face is?
After every fight,
guys wanna look
like they're not fazed,
so they'll go:
"Did you see that
guy sucker punch me?
What a bitch."
But their adrenalin
is pumping so much
that instead of going like this:
They go like this:
They go, "Do you see
that guy sucker punch me?"
It's a fight face.
Wish I had ...
Do you have any weed?
No.
My balls still kill.
Oh, dude.
Weed is good for that,
I heard, and glaucoma.
- I don't know.
- Hey, turn on the camera,
I got an idea.
All right.
Let's do a whole drug guide.
Cool.
He's getting older now.
He's gonna need
to know the basics.
Hey, buddy,
don't eat ice cream when
you're growing up, by the way.
I'm having this
because I was
just in a fistfight
with some guy.
I wanna tell you about drugs.
Now, if you're 14 or something,
don't listen to this.
You're way too young.
If you're getting older
and they're around,
don't do them,
but if you do do them,
here's the basics:
Weed is good. It's funny,
it's bad for homework,
and bad for your grades, okay?
It's for having sex and
watching horror movies
and laughing with your friends.
It's not for doing homework,
and don't be stoned
at school, okay?
Cocaine is fun, it's an
easy way to get laid,
but it turns your
dick into a baby sock.
Heroin is Russian roulette.
Every time you do it,
you're just going,
"Gee, hope I don't die."
If you shoot it into
your veins, you will die.
Have you ... ?
Have you done heroin?
Of course I've done heroin.
Why would I be giving heroin
advice if I haven't done it?
You don't believe me?
No. You just said
that you'd die.
Let's get some heroin right now.
Come on, we're getting heroin.
Hello.
Hey, is Gary there?
He's at work. Who's this?
He's at work?
Where? Is he back
at the restaurant?
Who is this?
Okay, great. No, no, no. You ...
- No filming here, okay? Sorry.
- Gary.
Mark?
Comedian? Arsenio?
Holy shit, Mark!
Oh my God. Didn't
recognize you with the beard.
- Weird, eh?
- You look good.
You look amazing.
It's been a long time, man.
Holy shit. Is this your kid?
Eh, no.
Dude, are you famous now?
I'm still doing comedy,
but I'm not partying as much,
I'll tell you that.
Yeah? Good, man. Me too.
Me too.
I got clean.
I just had my big
chocolate cake last week.
Tasted really good, man. I'm ...
It's a whole new life for me.
Yeah. You want a cappuccino?
They have the best
cappuccino in the world.
- I'll get you some.
- You take a Guido pill?
You're Mr. Italiano now.
You ... Come on, I'm half-Italian.
You didn't know?
- I'm mezzo Italiano.
- Hey.
This place kind of brings
it out of me, you know.
Hey, get the fuck out of here.
"Hey, get the fuck out ... "
Ha, you're funny still, man.
That's bad.
Why?
In NA, cokeheads
get vanilla cake
and junkies get chocolate cake,
but not after being
clean for a long time.
That's great.
No.
- Alrighty. Alrighty. Alrighty.
- Hey.
Hey, I gotta say, man,
seeing someone
from the old days,
it's weird, right?
- So weird.
Fucking weird.
It's bringing back some
memories too, you know?
We used to do some wild shit,
he and me, you know?
Really fucked-up shit.
How old are you?
22. I can speak in front of him?
It depends what
you're gonna say.
Remember Linda Kim?
Oh, her tits.
Linda Kim's tits,
they were these fucking ...
- They so ... They were long.
- Yeah.
They drooped down,
like, beneath her pussy.
This one time I
was titty-fucking her,
she leaned forward,
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
I looked down, she put my dick
into her pussy
through her fucking tits.
I was titty-fucking her.
It was fucking amazing.
She died ...
You know, she died last year.
What?
Yeah. She choked to death.
What are you talking about?
On a fucking dick.
I don't keep track of Linda Kim.
Man. Shit.
How's the cappuccino?
Best in the fucking world, right?
It's ...
Could you get us heroin?
What's that?
It's for this documentary
we're doing.
You're making a documen ...
That's some Arsenio
shit right there, right?
That's some new material.
That's very funny.
Not so much, really. But ...
I'm not kidding.
You came here to get
heroin from me, Mark?
That shit almost killed me.
C'mon I'm not gonna
get you fucking ...
What do you want heroin for?
It's hard to explain.
We just thought we'd come
down get some contacts
and we would go do it, not you.
I got rid of all my contacts
when I got sober, man.
I'm ... I am happily clean.
I think you should leave, okay?
I'm sorry.
- Cool. Sorry.
- Yeah. Sorry.
We'll just ...
We'll go to the park
and we'll figure
it out eventually.
You're not gonna go to the park.
Those chicken walkers
cut that shit with rat poison,
it could kill you.
We're big boys, okay?
We can do this.
You're not gon ...
Ah, Ges Cristo.
Okay, I don't have
their number anymore,
but I know these guys,
they live on Flatbush,
but you cannot go there by
yourself. They'll fucking kill you.
Flatbush? By Rita's old place?
Yeah.
Your house? Your old house?
I stayed in the house for
two months without leaving.
I can see how you thought
I lived there.
Okay, but that's perfect now.
But listen to me, listen to me.
You cannot go
there by yourself. I ...
They will fucking end you.
They've killed
men in that house.
All right.
Mark, come on.
You're not going.
All right. Sure.
Good. So you're not gonna go.
Look, we got this.
Thank you so
much for helping out.
Okay. You know, but ...
We were never here.
I shouldn't have fucking
said anything, man.
- We appreciate your help.
- You're not gonna go, right?
You look good.
Imagine this never
happened, okay?
Poof! Big cloud of smoke.
Arrivederci.
Thank you.
God, grant me serenity to
accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change
the things I can.
Ah, motherfucker.
Don't look at 'em. ...
All right, this is it.
So, guys, just ... Just ...
I'm gonna go get
your fucking drugs.
I want you to stay here.
Don't move.
Do not fucking make eye
contact with anybody, okay?
And don't bring your camera out.
These people feel disrespected,
they will swarm you, they will
surround you, beat you,
spit in your mouth.
They'll take turns.
It's like a dominance thing,
I don't understand it.
All right.
So ...
Are you kidding me?
Bundles, fool.
Give me a fuck ...
Yes.
Fuck.
This turned into a
weird fucking day, man.
It did, right?
Man.
Man, this is so fucked-up.
I know. I wish you
could get some of this.
I wish you had hidden
cameras in your backpack.
I don't care about
the filming, dude.
What we're doing here?
Why we're here?
Who we're giving money to?
It's just fucked!
Will you stop being
such a fucking pussy?
A man is only as
good as his word, right?
I said I was gonna do something,
I followed through.
It's called character.
You're learning a
lesson here today.
Open your hand.
- There's your fucking heroin, all right?
- Thank you.
Clean cut. Welcome.
You're a good man.
- You're a good boy.
- Holy fuck.
Don't look at 'em. ...
We can do this here, but if
my roommate comes back,
he's gonna freak.
Okay.
Turn the camera on.
Hello, son.
This is heroin.
If you do this, you'll be
like me, and I'm dead.
We've got about one,
two, four, six, eight, nine?
We've got nine bags
here for some reason.
And most junkies would do
this whole bundle in
one session and be dead.
So I'm gonna show
you just from a key bump
how bad and how
evil this drug is.
Haven't done
this in a long time.
Okay, watch this.
Oh, that's a big one.
It makes you say weird
things because it stings.
I want to know what
the things that I said are.
They might be Chinese.
And our buddy, Bryan,
is gonna do a little bump too.
I'm not doing that.
It's my dying wish.
I gave you a dying
wish last night.
No, I said, "I think that was
one of my dying wishes."
- You didn't. You didn't.
- I said "wishes."
Wishes.
You said "wish."
Yeah, but it's one
of those words, listen.
My dy ... I have a
lot of dying wishes.
That's not how you say "wishes."
Wishes.
No. That's not how
you say "wishes."
No, you say it clear.
You have good diction.
Wishes. I'm kind of sloppy
when I talk and I go:
"Hey, I have a lot
of dying wishes."
Well, it doesn't matter.
I gave you a dying
wish last night. It's ...
I'm dying.
Is there any chance at all that
that could give me an overdose?
No.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, you should feel the
nod in about five seconds or so.
It's really evil.
I'm gonna puke.
Film this.
Film this!
Oh, it's not that bad, actually.
Um, Bryan?
What are ... ?
What are you doing?
What the fuck?
What is ... ?
- Who is this old dude?
- Shut up!
Bryan, you're not being a
very good roommate right now,
and I would really appreciate
it if you could please ...
What the fuck?
Oh, I'm hungry.
Try some of this.
It's space food.
No.
It's like eating a steak.
Hey. Gary?
Jesus Christ, Gary.
What happened?
You know, man,
I'm just standing here.
No, no, no. What the fuck
happened to your face?
My face?
You're all fucked-up.
Your lip's split open.
Oh, man, the guy ...
Yeah, these guys ...
They came out of nowhere and
they fucking beat me up, man.
And they took my shit.
What guys?
The dealers from
the other day, man.
One of them spat
in my mouth, man.
It fucking sucked.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Bryan, turn the camera on now.
You need to learn this.
This is called having
your homey's back
and doing what's right.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's up, niggas?
No!
No!
No, no, no!
Fucking Jesus Christ!
Jesus Christ!
What do you think
you're gonna do, huh?
You stupid motherfucker!
What the fuck?
Heh. Look at my shirt.
It's totally spotless.
Fuck your shirt.
We could've died back there.
I know. Don't you feel alive?
I've never felt more alive.
How did I end up here?
How did I end up
with this fucking fool?
How did you trick me
into listening to you?
I'm done.
What?
We gotta finish.
Finish what?
They have the camera.
Finish this fucking
bullshit project
that's just ruining
people's lives?
Come on, man, don't be a coward.
Be a man.
Be a man?
Be a fucking man?
You just got your
friend back on junk!
You lost your job and your wife
who's not even gonna
tell your son about you!
You thought she was
gonna show him these tapes?
Why would she do that?
You'd be a fucking awful father.
If you are my dad,
I'm glad you were never around.
Having you for a father would
be worse than no father at all.
That's how it was with
Jeff Foxworthy, you know.
He was working, I don't know,
real estate or some boring job
and then he tells his wife,
"I wanna do comedy."
And she supports him.
They probably have a tough time,
and I think they even
had kids at the time.
But he kicks ass and
the next thing you know,
he's got the Blue
Comedy comedy tour.
He's got his own cable guy.
He's even in that
shit movie Cars.
Is there any more of this?
Well, it is time to choose.
Will it be Ayel,
who is a pyromaniac,
smokes marijuana every day ...
- Gross.
and slept with her
male friend's girlfriend?
Man, let's get out of here.
And go where?
Let's go to a bar.
Let's pick up some
fucking chicks, man.
Pick up chicks?
Man, we live in New York City,
why are we sitting here watching TV?
A man who searches in
haste will never be found.
Once you discover yourself,
it is they who will
be picking you up.
You sound like a fat
chick trying to be sexy.
Fuck off.
Okay.
Sandwiches are big.
Whoa.
Must have been easy
to invent shit back then.
Hero sandwich.
Can I get a beer?
What do you want?
Can I see your wine list?
Thanks.
So, uh ...
Thanks.
Listen, there's something
I've been meaning
to talk to you about.
Um ... the other day,
when you and that old
guy were passed out ...
Oh, man, I don't even
hang out with him anymore.
That's good.
I don't want people
like that in my life.
Yeah. I'm sorry about that, man.
I really barely remember it,
I was so fucked-up on heroin.
Yeah.
Heroin?
Yeah. It's crazy.
It's ... I mean, it's
a really long story.
Just so you know, um,
hard drugs in my apartment,
kind of a no-no.
Wait, ... in your apartment?
You know if a cop saw that,
then I'm an accessory to,
like, literally ...
fuck.
What are you talking about?
What are you even
saying right now?
And another thing,
it's not your apartment.
It's my apartment.
I invited you to live with me.
Here we go with a classic
Capricorn overreaction.
Classic.
I want you to move out.
To what?
No. Listen, I don't think you're
understanding me right now.
What I'm saying ...
No. I understand perfectly.
I don't wanna be
around you anymore.
You're moving out.
No, I'm not.
You can't make me.
Okay, there's two
ways this can go down.
Option one:
you pack your shit
up and move out.
Option two:
I beat your ass right now
and then you pack your
shit up and you move out.
What if I want option two?
Well, that's a great option.
I actually prefer that option.
Do you wanna have a
short one here in the bar
or would you like to go
outside and have a real fight?
Fuck you, man.
You're a idiot!
Oh, so you don't want to fight?
I thought you just said
you wanted to fight me.
Did you hear that guy?
He called me "a idiot."
I know.
It's ironic because it's
such an idiotic thing to say.
I should've known
he was a douche
when he started
talking about astrology.
You know what?
I'm, like, borderline
obsessed with that shit.
But even I have to admit
that when guys are into it,
it's, like, really
not a good look.
Fuck! Right?
I mean, it's a game that
guys should just not play.
It's like hopscotch.
And I don't think girls
actually believe in it, either.
If you're in love with me,
it's not like you wouldn't
marry me because
you found out I was a
Scorpio or something.
Oh, so we're
getting married now?
No.
No, I mean, we're not
getting married for, like, a year.
What happened to your eye?
I thought I could help
people, you know.
I just ended up fucking
up everybody's life.
Fucked up my own life.
I'm like the King Midas of shit.
Everything I touch
turns to puke.
It's actually good
that I'm dying.
The world would be
better off without me.
My son won't know
what a fuck-up I am.
Was.
Are you gonna eat that?
Oh, my God! ...
Oh, my God!
I just realized something
really important.
And I have to do it
and I'll be right back,
I promise.
Trust me.
Where are you going?
Mark?
Mark.
Wake up.
You were right. Mostly.
No, you were right.
I'm a total deadbeat.
You're better off without me.
No. No, I'm not.
You were right about girls
and about how to dress
and about following your
dreams and not taking shit.
Oh, and also astrology.
You were right
about your character
and making your
word mean something.
Really?
Yeah.
This is you.
Okay.
Okay. So this is
what you taught me.
Yeah. I'm an idiot.
It's all a pile of shit.
No, it's not. It's not.
Just this little piece.
This piece here.
You see this?
That's collateral damage.
That's shit.
Because that says:
"Do whatever you need
to do to get the job done.
Fuck people over.
Do whatever it takes."
That's not what a man does.
A man takes
responsibility for his actions.
All of his actions.
That part's bad.
But all this is good.
All this is good?
Don't do that.
You started this thing
thinking you knew everything.
And I've learned a lot from you,
but I also learned
what not to do.
So now you can learn from that.
Do you get it?
That's a trip.
Because now, I'm learning
something from you.
Put that shit down.
Come on, buddy. Get up.
So the other day,
I was reading this
message board.
This guy made a post
where he was working
on a documentary.
And he's working
with an older guy.
Oh, yeah?
He doesn't know what to do.
He's feeling all complicated
because he's getting
all these feelings.
Yeah.
And he's been working with this
guy so long now that he, like ...
He really wants to fuck him.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
That's so stupid.
I know. It's so dumb.
So the guy in the message
board was asking if ...
What he should do about
this guy he wants to ...
Old dude he wants to fuck?
Yeah.
So, what did everyone
say he should do?
Dude.
You're gonna get your wife back.
I know.
Yeah. Right now.
You gotta go tell her the truth.
Never lie, remember?
She doesn't wanna
see my face right now.
Since when do you just give up?
You know, Zach
Braff made this movie
where he camps
out on this girl's ...
Yeah, The Last Kiss.
So Zach Braff, he camped out
on this girl's lawn for three days.
Margs doesn't have a lawn.
Well, she's got a sidewalk.
That's good enough.
You know what? You're right.
You're right.
Let's go.
This one's all you.
I've got unfinished business.
Okay.
All right.
I can't believe you
picked up that dog shit.
It wasn't dog shit.
Gary?
Is this the methadone clinic?
Cool job, man.
Hey, buddy. Buddy.
Can you spray me?
I'm filthy.
Aah! Get the face.
Okay, okay.
I'm gonna go get my wife back.
Do you know if you can get
DNA samples from feces?
Why?
Do you have AIDS?
- Okay. Wait, wait.
- No.
Ow, ow! My hand. My fingers.
I have cancer.
Is that some kind of joke?
What do you call that?
- That's your nipple.
- No.
That's my nipple, that
is a weird piece of gum.
What did the doctor say?
Internet said I have six
to eight months to live.
The Internet?
Are you fucking stupid?
I was trying to record
videos for our unborn son
so he'd have those when
he got older to live by.
That's like the Michael Keaton
movie that nobody saw.
He was not the first
person to think of that.
I don't think he thought of it.
He was in it, and it
was a stupid movie.
I started out doing videos
for him as a young boy ...
You're not dying.
You didn't even see a doctor.
I'm dying, so I made
a bunch of videos
to show our son what
it's like to be a man.
Then he could watch those.
When I started out,
I did normal stuff,
like playground stuff,
and then as it got older,
I got into the party scene
and I kind of got sucked in.
Yeah.
Yeah. You face-fucked
a little girl in a bathroom.
I am so sorry.
Is she alive?
What happened to her?
She's probably fine.
I saw the tape.
It looks like a snuff film.
Look, what's important is,
I let you down
at the most important
time of our lives,
and I'm so fucking
sorry about that, Margs.
I don't expect you
to forgive me, okay?
I'll move next door.
I'll earn my place back
into your heart, okay?
I'll do everything right,
I'm gonna be there for him,
whether you forgive
me or not, okay?
You do that on your own time.
I'm gonna be better.
I'm gonna be a real man.
Eventually, it's gonna get back
to like it was when we would ...
When we first Frenched.
Maybe you wanna French
a little tiny bit right now.
Fuck off, you fucking fucker!
My water just broke.
It went up my nose.
Oh, it burns.
You're doing great, Margot.
Gonna be just
a few more hours.
Hang in there, okay?
Hey, Doctor. Doctor.
Paging Dr. Bender ...
I know you're busy
and everything, but
I have this lump on my breast
and WebMD says
that it's breast cancer.
Are you trying to be funny?
No.
I know this isn't exactly
your department ...
You don't have breast cancer.
Did you drink my
fucking apple juice?
- Push. I can see the head.
- Fuck!
- One more push, Margot.
- No, no, no!
Get this fucking
thing out of me!
Fuck!
- It's a girl.
- Whoa.
You wanna cut
the umbilical cord?
No. You ... You do it.
It really is. You can see
the vagina and the genitalia.
People talk so much
shit on Merlot, and I'm like,
"It's a good wine."
I'm gonna do white Pinot.
What about you?
Hey.
I've got ... I'm ...
I'm making a painting.
Are you recording me?
So have you seen
your kid's dick?
Did you look at it or,
like, stare at it or ... ?
It's a girl, so ...
Oh, okay.
I swear, you look so familiar.
- I get that a lot.
- you're so pretty.
Oh, shut up.
You have a gorgeous mouth.
Delicious.