How to Be a Serial Killer (2008) Movie Script

Fantasy is at the center
of what
a serial killer really is.
You and I might have a bad
thought about a person.
A serial killer will take that
same kernel of an immoral
or illegal impulse
and dwell on it.
That kernel becomes a seed,
and from that seed
grows fantasy.
"Normal people
have healthy fantasies."
Meaning that they can
readily differentiate
between the real
and the unreal.
A serial killer will dwell on
that fantasy until he can
no longer resist the urge
to see it through.
And once he does act
on that initial impulse,
fantasy becomes reality.
Is it hard for you
to get up in the morning?
Has your life lost
a sense of purpose?
Do you feel like giving
up is the only option?
Well, don't despair because
Mike Wilson can help you.
Mike's unique formula has
helped millions of people
get their lives back on track.
People just like you.
Mike's coached major world
leaders, professional athletes,
media celebrities
and top corporate executives.
Now it's your turn.
Once suicidally depressed,
Mike turned his life around
when he decided to
become a serial killer.
Since becoming a serial
killer, Mike's achieved
a level of success
and fulfillment
he never thought possible.
And now he's going to share
his secrets with you in this
amazing life-changing seminar,
"How To Be A Serial Killer."
Mike's simple 10-lesson
program will teach you
everything you need to
know to kill your way
to a better life.
You're going to be better than
Dahmer, you're going to be
better than Bundy,
you're going to be
better than Charles Manson.
You're going to be the killer
everyone's talking about.
If you're not satisfied,
Mike's seminars
come with a 100%
money-back guarantee.
So stop ignoring
the voices in your head,
call the number below
and book your tickets now.
Act fast, because seats are
filling up by the second.
But don't just
take it from me,
here's some of the magic you
can expect at the three-day
How To Be A Serial
Killer seminar.
I want to show you how
to appreciate your life.
I want to show you how to leap
out of bed every morning
with a smile on your face!
I want to give you the
ammunition that you need
to go out there and fight
for what you believe in.
I want to help you
find your passion.
I want to show you how I've
changed my life because I know
that what I've discovered will
help you change your life.
I want to share my
secrets with you,
because I know that
what I've discovered
will help you find your
own joie de vivre.
You deserve a great life,
and I'm going to show you
the path to that life.
My name is Mike Wilson...
and today I'm going
to teach you
how to be a serial killer.
Stop ignoring the voices
in your head
and call the number below.
Operators are standing by.
[bell rings]
Hi, uh...can I help
you find something?
You guys are 0 for 3
on my girlfriend's list.
Um, yeah, sometimes our
videos are just a little bit
hard to find here 'cause
our classification system
is a little bit weird.
Along Came Polly,
The Breakup, Hitch.
Where would you look
for those movies?
[bell rings]
I, I can type them into
the computer, and then,
'cause like sometimes
people misfile the boxes,
and then they
get kind of lost.
Yes, honey...
I'm still at the store.
Yeah, well, I'm moving
as fast as I can.
Well, well sometimes it
takes a fucking village
to find a video.
What can I say?
What I'm doing is
I'm typing in your titles,
and then if they're in the back
I'll be able to bring them...
Whatever, just work your magic.
My computer's frozen.
No shit.
I'm gonna restart it.
It'll take, like, 30 seconds.
[phone rings]
God damn it, Jenny.
I told you they
don't have that.
The fucking 'tard
they got working here
can't do shit.
It'll take, like, five seconds.
I'm just gonna look
for something else.
Oh, hey.
You're lookin' for a--
are you lookin' for
another slasher film?
No, actually I was
wondering if you had,
"Along Came Polly"?
I, I don't--
I don't think we have
it in the system.
The computer's
all jammed, but--
Dude, I'm fucking with you.
I overheard that little
shit asking for it.
What a fucking dick.
I used to hate guys like that
when I worked in retail.
Yeah, right.
How about I get
the movies you want,
and I'll go to sleep?
What would
you do to him...
if you could do anything
you wanted to?
Anything and not get caught?
I can see those
gears turning.
If you could do
anything you wanted...
Think about it.
I can't even say.
Yeah, you can.
(customer on phone)
Every time we do this.
No, we're not
getting licorice.
Fuckin' black licorice.
I hate that shit anyway.
Nobody's gonna
hear you except me.
And I'm your ally.
If I could do anything
in the world to that guy...
I'd, uh...
I'd go to a hardware
store and, uh...
I'd get a sledgehammer.
And then smash his head
with the sledgehammer.
That's creative.
It's a little messy,
but it's creative.
I'm just jokin', you know?
Jokin' around.
I'd, um, I'd just, like,
get a gun and shoot him
in the neck.
Right in the neck.
Is that real?
Yeah, it's fuckin' real.
You can't kill someone
with a fake gun.
Unless you bash them
in the head with it.
You mean...
you've iced a guy?
I've always wanted
to kill someone.
And you can.
What do you mean?
If you want to learn,
I can teach you to kill
as many people as you want.
I don't know.
No, I think you do know.
I come in here all the time,
and every time I see you...
I see a guy that's not
happy with his life.
- You can tell that?
- Uh huh.
And I see that there's
a version inside of you
that's just waitin'...
to break out.
You know exactly what I'm
talking about, don't you?
What the fuck, honey?
No, I'm not
doing this with you.
See, life comes down to a few
short moments when you have
to ask yourself...
am I living up
to my potential?
Am I in it...
to win it?
Shit for selection.
What's it gonna be?
Are you in it to win it?
I am in it to win it.
You got a lot to
learn before you can
put your hands on a weapon.
So what do you say?
You wanna go
get this asshole?
[bell rings]
Let's take the back...
before he gets away.
Hey, dip shit.
Hey, you know what's
fuckin' hilarious?
Is that you chose to act
like a fuckin' asshole
on your last day on earth.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You all right?
You still with me?
Guys like this, they take
their lives for granted.
And the thing is,
is that we're all
just so fuckin' fragile.
I'm a reminder to these people
that they need to appreciate
their life each and every day.
So you're kind of,
you're kind of doing,
doing people a favor.
You're goddamn right I am.
Looks like we got a live one.
What do you do
with the body?
Is shithead here
a regular customer?
I got a couple acres out in
the desert with a shack on it.
Your secret hideout?
Yeah, kind of.
Take him out there,
chop him up,
throw some dirt on him -
be on the safe side.
Grab the shell casings,
I'm gonna throw
fuck-face in the trunk.
Welcome to your new life.
You follow my lead,
you'll be selling
the blood-soaked clothes
of your victims on eBay.
Listen, I got to run,
call the city,
have this car towed.
Don't touch anything.
Just go back inside.
Should, should I get
your phone number?
No need.
I know where to find you.
I want to make you
a superstar, pal.
So Mike's...
he's taken me on
as his apprentice.
I'm kind of nervous
'cause I'm not, like,
I'm not now nor have
I ever been a star student.
But, you know, they say,
they say you can accomplish,
like, anything if you put
your mind to it.
And.. I've never
really found anything
that I really wanted
to put my mind to.
Serial killing -
I think I could really,
really sink my teeth into that.
Apply myself.
[car horn honks]
- Hello.
- What took you so long?
There was a mad rush
at the video store.
Well, your ice cream's
all melted.
It's all right.
It's still good.
Did you cut
yourself shaving?
No, I don't think so.
That's weird.
Well, you caught me red-handed.
I had a strawberry
sundae at lunch.
Mr. Health Conscious
had a sundae for lunch?
Um, well, yeah, I mean,
I've just been
down a little bit,
and I thought maybe some
ice cream might cheer me up.
Are you feeling down?
A little.
Did something happen today?
No, it's just,
work's stressful.
You want to get
it off your chest?
No, it's no big deal.
Just petty stuff.
You listen to me
go on and on
about the politics
of the shelter.
I mean, I'm happy to listen
if you wanna talk about it.
Thank you.
I'm a pretty lucky guy
to have a girl like you.
And I'm a lucky girl.
Can you, um, hold that?
Mm hmm.
Try not to spill it.
I love Mike.
He's a great guy.
He's smart, he's caring,
he's emotionally intelligent.
And he's cute.
We've been together about
a year, and I think that's
really when people start
to show their true colors.
So the honeymoon is over,
but I'm really happy with him.
Emily Post found her fame
in writing a little book
entitled "Etiquette."
And it remains the authoritative
text on manners today.
Good manners
are very important.
They imply respect for
those in your presence,
and for the world in general.
There is a code of social
ethics and behavior out there,
and serial killing
is no different.
Hey, have you ever...
I've always been
curious, Bart.
But I won't do it.
Temptation surrounds
us in everything we do.
Immediate gratification
cannot be answered
to forsake principals.
Need to be strong
and make choices
that reflect our beliefs.
We gotta stick to our guns.
You said it.
We simply can't do
everything in life
that we'd like to, Bart.
I don't care how
annoying they are,
or how curious you might be,
children are off limits.
Stay away from the mentally
and physically handicapped.
That's cheating.
I've always loved animals
and never would do anything
to hurt our furry
little friends.
Sociopaths kill animals,
real serial killers kill people.
Never rob your victims.
You go down that road
it's tough to get off.
It starts off with a 20,
ends up with a C-note,
and then pretty soon
you're just a petty thief
who happens to kill on the side.
Don't rape.
Don't ever rape.
Rapists are the
scum of the earth.
Love women, respect women.
Find a way to earn their love.
There are over six billion
people in this world,
and it's no secret that
a lot of them deserve to die.
Just think - if I was in
Vienna right around
the turn of the century I might
have done away with Hitler.
You never know what kind of
service you're gonna do
the world by doing somebody in.
Kill people that
are better off dead.
I try to do at least one
selfless thing per day.
If you find yourself
thinking the serial killing
is selfish and you're doing it
just to make yourself happy,
take a trip to an elderly
home and find somebody
who wants to die but can't.
You don't have to
Kevorkify your life,
but you can give back.
Any little gesture
of kindness counts.
Look at this guy.
If you do not shit
on the count of three,
Daddy will take you
to the vet tomorrow
and he will have
you put to sleep,
you ungrateful
little cunt.
Did he just call
his dog a cunt?
One, two, three.
But if you shit inside
like you did last night,
Daddy will smack your
ugly little face.
That kind of behavior
simply won't do, Bart.
What are you gonna do?
What time is it?
Uh, 6:30.
We're gonna
come back tomorrow.
Back in a sec.
People don't like being alone.
But when you mix
the manipulative powers
of a sociopath with someone
with dependency disorders,
that's a very easy mix.
And a very highly
dysfunctional union.
Examples of this run the
relationship spectrum
from parent-child to
romantic attachments.
It never ceases to amaze me
what people will tolerate
in order to avoid being alone.
Misery loves company.
Yeah, we're here.
Okay, see you in a sec.
Hang on a sec, baby.
You having fun, Bart?
I can't tell
with you sometimes.
I'm havin' a ton of fun.
Come on, come on.
Come on.
Hey, there she is.
- Hey, Bart.
- Hi.
We just saw this
little girl in the street,
she looked kind of lost.
Aren't you just
a little cutie?
You guys think you can
do something with her?
So sweet of you to bring
her all the way out here.
Yeah, no problem.
Where did she get the leash?
Oh, she was just draggin' it
behind her on the street.
Anyway, I got to
get Bart home.
See you there.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Man, what a woman.
Yeah, what?
Yeah, nothin'.
Yeah nothin', my ass.
What's on your mind?
Nothing, I, I swear.
Bart, I'm fuckin' with you.
I feel the most safe
when I'm with Mike.
Um, 'cause it's like,
it's like kind of having,
like, a pit bull that's
your best friend.
It can talk to you and stuff.
Because I just know no one's
gonna, like, mess with me.
I know that no, like,
gang bangers are gonna
try to mess with me.
And I know, like, other
people aren't gonna try
to mess with me or anything.
'Cause he's there, and he's
like, he knows how to--
He'll mess with them.
And mess with him
in a way that will just,
like, mess them up.
And it's cool 'cause
I feel safe and I know that...
I know that he would
never mess with me...
or hurt me or anything.
Once you've decided to give
serial killing a whirl,
the world becomes your oyster.
Observe your arsenal,
then pick your weapon.
Blunt objects.
Assisted suicides.
Hit and runs.
[Tribal call]
Tribal weapons.
Garden tools.
The point I'm trying to get
across here is that there are an
infinite number of ways to
carry out your serial killings.
I've highlighted a variety
of methods, but what I want
to suggest is that you
start with something easy.
Something you've been using
since you came out of the womb.
Your hands.
[struggling sounds]
[crowd cheering]
Significant others will grow
increasingly suspicious,
but don't let your fears
get the best of you.
They probably just
think it's an affair.
If you want to be a good
little serial killer,
you must constantly keep the
people in your life at bay.
Do nice things for them.
Buy them chocolates, flowers,
take them for a nice dinner.
Make them feel secure in
the relationship, and they'll
never get to the bottom
of what's really going on.
Hey, Tom and Gena broke up.
Well, that's unfortunate.
I thought those guys
made a good couple.
She's better off.
He was cheating
on her for, like,
four months
with his assistant.
Can't imagine Tom doing
something like that.
What an asshole.
Oh, he was a creep.
Last summer at Rachel's luau
I swear I caught him looking
up my skirt when I was
laying on the hammock.
You should have
said something.
And cause a huge thing?
What good would it do?
You never know.
Let me know when
stuff like that happens, okay?
Would you have
defended my honor?
Indeed I would have, m'lady.
Go chop.
So are they selling their
house in Los Feliz?
Well, it's her place.
She kicked him out.
Where's he going?
Oh, he's at that crappy motel
down the street
from their house.
[chopping more aggressively]
Christine's having a party
on Saturday night.
You want to go?
Oh, yeah?
Um, I would love to,
but I have plans
with young Bart on Saturday.
You're always with him.
What do you guys do together?
Just hang out.
Can I help you with this?
You don't really
have the eye for it.
I think you better
leave it to me.
You're a cruel woman.
All right, I'll get
back to cooking.
Make it good.
(Dr. Goldberg)
One of the most
terrifying characteristics
of a serial killer
is the multiple faces
that they can wear.
Since serial killers lack a
conscience, feelings such as
guilt, nervousness,
rarely enter into their minds.
And they become
very good liars.
One of the most striking
examples of this was when one
of Jeffrey Dahmer's captives
escaped from his apartment.
He was naked,
he had visible wounds,
and he actually
ran into the police.
Dahmer watched his victim
talking to the police,
he calmly approached them,
he explained that
they were lovers and that
they'd had a quarrel.
He was so calm
and so articulate...
the police actually let him
leave with his victim.
You got your Dahmers,
Zodiac Killers, Son of Sams,
Boston Stranglers,
Jack the Rippers.
But my point is--
Oh, that Aileen Wournos
is one hell of
a serial killer, too.
But they all had
a style, you know?
They found a way to own it.
Ownership of your
work is vital, Bart.
And that's the kind of killer
you need to strive to be.
Go big, find yourself
and express your voice.
You found your voice yet?
What does that mean?
Your style, signature,
your calling card.
I don't know.
Well, you'll know when you do.
Yeah, you're probably right.
You got to make every
killing count, Bart,
'cause you never know which
one's gonna be your last.
The thing you always got to
keep in the back of your head
is that life as we know it
could disappear at any minute.
Until age 30, the majority of
people can legitimately say
they've spent most of
their life in school.
Ages five to 11,
elementary school.
Ages 12 to 14,
junior high school.
Ages 15 to 18, high school.
Ages 19 to 23, college.
And ages 23 to 27, graduate
or professional school.
That's a lot of
classroom time.
And it's laughable when you
think about it because
whatever job you land in
immediately retrains you.
Experience is
the best teacher.
This helpful old adage got me
to thinking of ways to better
convey real-life examples
of what I want you
to get out of all of this.
The only way for you to
start anything is just to
get out there and do it.
You're a blank canvas.
And you need to go out
there and get painted.
Do you want turkey or ham?
What do I owe you?
- Oh, don't worry about it.
- Cheers, I got the next one.
All right, thanks.
It's nice out today, huh?
How is your day going?
Do you hate your job?
I don't really look
at this as my job.
You know, this is just somethin'
I do that pays the bills.
Puts food on the table.
When you were little, what did
you think you were gonna
grow up to be?
I wanted to be
an astronaut, actually.
What happened?
It's very difficult to
become an astronaut, Bart.
There's a lot of math.
Plus, when I was
a kid I had no idea
that serial killing
was even an option.
It's just not something
they cover in Career Day.
All work and no play...
Makes Jack a dull boy.
What are you doin' tonight?
Just hangin' out.
Why don't you come over
to the house around nine.
If you think
it'll be all right.
I mean...
would that be all right?
Why wouldn't it be?
I kind of get the
feeling like Abigail
doesn't really
like me all that much.
Bart, she thinks you're great.
Stop being so insecure.
She's not getting suspicious?
Of what?
Of what we're doing?
No, not at all.
Why would you ask that?
I'm just, I'm just like
trying to, I don't...
I don't really think it,
I'm just tryin' to,
I'm tryin' to think it, like,
two steps ahead, like a, like
everything like a chess game.
So I was just-- I'm probably
just being paranoid.
Don't worry about it.
She's fine.
I hate to cut this short,
but I got to get back.
I've got a lot of
calls to make, so.
We'll see you at nine.
Nine o'clock, at your house.
Okay, buddy.
Thanks again for the sandwich.
Thanks for all the knowledge.
I don't know how you
know when you're ready.
I think it's sort of...
I think it's probably,
like, how Mike says.
I think you just
feel it in your gut.
And then you go with it.
Baker is such
a fucking faggot.
I mean, could you
believe this fucking guy?
What a dildo!
Always complaining
about Baker, Zach.
Dickhead Baker, faggot Baker.
Your point?
Who gives a shit if
the guy's a prick.
Me, you fucking dildo.
Well, you hate
the guy so much,
why don't you do
somethin' about it?
Like what?
Well, you could slash
his fuckin' throat.
Like what, Mike?
You can start by
slashing his tires.
He drives a black import,
parks on the first floor
right by the elevator.
Thanks, man.
I'll do that shit right now.
You want to roll with?
Rain check.
Got a lunch date.
Go get him, tiger.
Slap it in with the palm.
Angle, slap, release.
Give it a try.
Do it with your thumb -
the same thumb.
Yeah, 'cause you
got to reload quick.
Oh, that's so cool.
Mike, does Abigail
know about this?
About what? The gun?
No, about, like, everything.
Do you think she'd understand?
I don't know.
But I'd like to
think she would.
I know for a fact she'd tell
you I'd become a better person
since I started killing though.
You need to press down
with your thumb
before you load the bullet.
It makes it a lot easier.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
What happens if she finds out?
She can't find out, Bart.
It's not an option.
I'm a trailblazer here, Bart.
Trailblazers are
typically persecuted
before they're embraced
by the mainstream.
Shit, look at Gandhi.
Yeah, he starved himself?
Then they shot him.
You don't think I'm smart
enough to keep this from her?
Is that it?
That's not what I'm sayin'.
I'm just sayin',
like, what if?
You can't be
a doubting Thomas
if you want to be
a serial killer.
I'm not a doubting Thomas.
[click, click]
Don't let negative thoughts
into your head.
You guys want
anything to drink?
Oh, I'm good.
I'm good.
Well, just shout if you do.
Thanks, baby.
I'm gonna watch TV.
Thank you.
I'm not a doubting Thomas.
I know you're not
a doubting Thomas.
The truth is, I don't know
what she'd do if she found out.
Do you want to be a winner?
Do you want to be successful?
Of course you do;
Who wouldn't?
Well, here's the
key to my success:
Perseverance and discipline.
Good old P&D!
Perseverance and discipline
are the two qualities every
successful serial killer
must apply to his work
routine every single day.
And when the going gets tough,
that's when you need to
pull the trigger on good old
perseverance and discipline.
Ten million people
in this town,
you think it would be easier
to find someone to kill.
Should we call it a day?
Call it a day?
What are you?
A fuckin' quitter, Bart?
I'm not a quitter.
I was just thinking, you know.
Not thinkin' like
a serial killer, you're not.
Serial killers keep on
keepin' on, you got that?
I understand.
I believe in you, Bart.
You got what it takes, but you
got to want it bad enough
to go out there and get it.
No, I do want it.
I'll just keep on--
You say that,
but I don't see it.
Judge me not by what
I say, by what I do.
I was just sayin'--.
Just fuckin' shut up.
All right.
No, no, no, no.
You stay in the car.
- Why?
- You know why, Bart.
I want you to think about your
attempt to quit earlier.
I'm sorry, I--
Sorry is a word.
No, I mean it, I mean it.
Show me you mean it
through action.
Why don't you find
us a good victim.
Take your time, Bart.
Remember, it's got
to come from here.
Your gut.
Don't force it.
You tell me.
Is he a good victim?
Yes or no.
Yes, yeah.
He's a good victim.
Well, he just littered.
Got a thing
for litterbugs, do you?
It's pretty obvious...
he's not working.
He's like a drain
on taxpayers.
So you got a big
tax liability, do you?
No, neither do I.
Well, they're lazy and they're
disgusting and they...
they smell bad and
they're always, like,
you'll be sittin' there at
a restaurant tryin' to eat
and they'll come up to you,
and they'll be...
And then if you're...
in your car
it's the worst,
'cause you're...
you're at a stoplight and
they're starin' at you,
like makin' you feel guilty,
makin' you feel bad
for not giving them money.
But they don't even work;
they don't do anything.
They hang out
at the beach all day
while you're doing
anything at all,
but not doing that.
It's fucking disgusting.
That man right there Bart's
not a victim for us...
He's a victim of society.
We need to show the
less fortunate compassion.
I'm sorry, I--
No, no. Not sorry.
Not words.
Fifty cents?
Holy shit!
That's what I'm talkin' about.
It's been 11 hours, Bart.
Here's a little pearl for you...
Whenever it gets hard,
that's when you know
you're on the right path.
Whatever it takes
to get it done.
Whatever it takes.
Serial killers
know no boundaries.
They talk about principles,
they talk about strong beliefs -
ethics, if you will.
There is one simple truth
about serial killers:
They will do whatever it takes
to feel the satisfaction
of acting out their fantasies.
And they will eliminate
anything that gets in their way.
You know what I fuckin' hate?
Look at this fucking asshole.
He's really ridin' your ass.
Could he be any fuckin'
closer to my car?
You're in my fucking ass!
The guy's pretty big.
He's all, like,
on steroids or something.
I know. Watch...
Little tap on the brakes.
There you go.
There you go.
Oh, is that
slowing you down?
Is that fuckin'
slowin' you down?
Oh, the high beams.
Fuck you!
Hold the fucking wheel,
hold the wheel.
Fuck you!
[horn honking]
You know what's
fucking awesome?
This asshole has no idea what
he's gonna get himself into.
You never know about people.
You just never know
who's gonna have a gun
in their glove compartment.
Do you...have a gun
in your glove compartment?
Bart, what kind of serial
killer would I be
if I didn't have gun
in my glove compartment?
Oh, this is good.
This is really fucking good.
Thank you, baby Jesus!
All right, let's--
Right over here, bitch!
Right the fuck over here!
I think he just
called you a faggot.
He's mouthing the
word faggot at you.
Here we go.
Let's do this.
Did you fucking see that?
[tires squeal]
That was a great
day today, Bart.
Oh, yeah.
All right,
we'll see you tomorrow.
All right, bye.
You gotta lighten up, Bart.
You gotta learn to trust me.
Oh, I do.
It doesn't seem like
you do sometimes.
But I do.
Okay, okay.
I trust you.
Oh, I know.
I mean, I have to, right?
You can get me
into a lot of trouble.
I wouldn't do that.
No, but you could though.
I wouldn't though.
I know you wouldn't,
but you could.
Just sayin'.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I probably could get
you in some trouble.
I'd get to you...
before they got to me.
You know that, don't you?
You don't even
have to say that.
I don't even know
why you're sayin' that.
I'm fuckin' with you.
Bart, I would not do
anything to hurt you, ever.
You're my protg.
You're like my offspring.
Are you pleased with what
you're learning so far?
This is a very
unique opportunity.
Oh, I know, I know.
All right.
You drive safe, okay?
Didn't flinch, didn't flinch.
I'm very excited about
what I'm learning.
It's been, like, sort
of tough at first,
but now I'm really gettin' to,
like, the learning part.
And it's so much fun.
And Mike's, like,
a really good teacher.
I'm learning
a lot from him.
I'm going to go ahead and
assume that we've all wanted
to pull the trigger on behavior
that's illegal or immoral.
Haven't you ever fantasized
about pushing someone
into oncoming traffic,
or in front of a train?
Or off a building?
You know you have.
And it's only when we start
to act in accordance
with our core desires that we
are truly free to be ourselves.
We have to be in touch
with our inner emotions.
And obey them.
Oh, that's funny.
You don't have to pretend
to like it, sweetie.
I'm just not into
television humor.
Where are you going?
I'm just gonna
grab my jacket.
I thought we were
hanging out tonight?
Bart's been kind of down,
so I'm gonna
just take him out for a couple
of beers to cheer him up.
What are you doing?
Where are you going tonight?
Um, I don't know yet.
I don't know where we'll go.
I gotta go though.
Love you.
Do you love me?
Fell out of love with me?
That's kind of mean,
don't you think?
[both giggling]
Hang on a second!
You're the woman of my
dreams - you know that?
I know.
I'm glad Mike
has a social life.
I know he needs it.
But lately he goes out
almost every night.
Most of the time
it doesn't bother me.
But sometimes
it really bothers me.
Look at how fucking
cool this thing is.
I love that.
Feel how light that is.
It is light.
I know.
Guess how much it was.
Like a thousand dollars?
Is that bad for it
when you do that?
That's fine as long as you
use your shirt or something.
Just don't use a paper towel.
- Eighty bucks.
- That's good.
You amortize that
over five years,
that's pennies a killing.
It pays for itself.
Looks cool too.
How's that?
Hold on, let me...
That's cool.
Just put that down
the back of the jacket for me.
I was getting ready too.
Stay put.
I'm gonna give
the lesson of the day.
All right.
Good luck.
[muffled screams]
Hey, Mike.
Aren't you worried when they
scream that someone will,
like, call the cops
or the police,
or come out and see
you or something?
But you gotta realize, Bart,
that most people aren't gonna
call the police
on the assumption
that somebody else
is going to.
Besides...the cops
are fuckin' slow -
especially in big
markets like Los Angeles.
When was the last time
you called the police?
Like a year ago.
Why'd you call them?
There was this,
uh, there was a mugging
outside my building.
How long did it take
for them to get there?
An hour.
And while the cops
were busy responding,
how many other people you
think could have been
assaulted during that time?
A lot.
So being good at
serial killing is about
successful risk management,
and risk mitigation.
Good idea.
The identities of serial
killers are often obscure
because they have no
connection with their victim.
So they're propelled
into this double life.
A life in which they openly
interact with society,
and then a secretive life.
And even though they
have a double life,
they are drawn more and more
into that secretive life.
It's like a drug addict.
He takes more and more
of a given substance until
eventually he takes
too much and he overdoses.
The overdose here
happens when these two...
these two lives intersect.
From time immemorial the
majority of serial killers
have presented a major
problems for detectives
for one reason alone.
Their victims are complete
and total strangers.
If there is no immediate
connection between you
and your subject,
there's a very good chance
you can get away with murder.
The best victim is the one
you've never met before.
You start killing
people you know,
you're headed down
a dark road.
What's goin' on, man?
You all right?
Abigail found the safe.
Oh, shit.
Did she call the cops?
Where is she?
She fuckin'
found everything, Bart.
I tried to explain...
I tried to explain it to her
but she wouldn't listen.
She kept trying
to call the police.
I couldn't let her do that.
Did anybody see you come in?
Well, she screamed so somebody
must have called the cops.
We gotta get her out of here.
If somebody called the cops
we have to get out of here
because they'd be
here any minute.
We have to get her
out of here, okay?
And you need to help me
clean up that kitchen.
I don't think I can do that.
I can't do this, Bart.
I can't do this.
You have to help me do this.
You have to help me.
I wrapped her up.
We need to get her into the
car and get out of here now.
You okay?
We'll get you cleaned up and
get you into these clothes.
Shouldn't we be
doing this at night?
No time.
I'm losin' her.
You got it?
[car approaches]
What the fuck?
No, we're just--
a friend of mine's
havin' a bachelor party.
Come on. We gotta move.
(man #2)
Hey... Aw, shit!
Don't leave me, Mike!
Hey, Jake?
Jake, it's Mike.
There's a guy
with a gun out here.
Please let me in.
Come on, man.
We can't fit four
bodies in this trunk.
Exactly how fucked
are we right now?
Pretty fucked, Bart.
How fucked?
Pretty fucked.
But I mean, like,
like big-time fucked?
Like super fucked?
Could you just stop
for a second?
Electric-chair fucked?
Like how fucked?
Death fucked?
Are you all right?
You know how I met Abigail?
At a dinner party.
I was drunk as hell
on a mixture
of champagne and tequila -
which I don't recommend.
But, uh, I was instantly
enamored with her.
It's the easiest conversation
I've ever had in my life.
I ended up kissing her
for the first time
on the corner of
Santa Monica and Melrose.
I was tryin' to get her
to come home with me.
I fucking tried...
But she wouldn't go for it.
We ended up walking around
the neighborhood for a bit,
and the Jacaranda trees
were just full bloom -
the whole fuckin'
street was purple.
I ended up falling
in love with her that night.
Have you ever
been in love, Bart?
Yeah, I think so.
There, um...
At my store
there was this girl
that used to
come in all the time.
And, um, she'd, like,
she wasn't, like, really,
like, 'stop you
in your tracks' pretty.
But she had, she had, like,
a lot of freckles, and I,
I like really like girls
with freckles.
And I didn't really
talk to her, but we'd always,
like, smile, and she'd always
rent that movie "Powder",
the one with the albino kid.
And she'd always rent it.
Like, on Fridays.
I have no idea
why she'd always
rent that movie.
But it made me always
think about her and I was
always, like, asking myself -
what I would say to her?
Did you ever talk to her?
It was was
kind of like beyond that.
I mean, I didn't talk to her.
I don't think that's love,
but I mean, it's a start.
You'll know when you
fall in love, man.
It's like finding
your voice.
I'm gonna wish that for you.
Thank you.
I want to start off by saying
the last thing you want
to get mixed up in
is getting rid of bodies.
It's dangerous,
time consuming,
and if your stomach's weak
it can really be nauseating.
Always remember -
if there's no body...
there's no murder.
Fingerprints will get
you just like teeth will.
I've heard of slicing them
off with razor blades,
or disfiguring them
with hot metal,
but sulfuric acid
really works.
And you can get it at any
chemical supply store.
This will keep you clean,
and this will make it
easier to wrap things up.
Now once you've done
everything I've mentioned,
it's time to get
rid of the evidence.
Remember what
I said, Bart...
When you've dug as
deep as you can dig,
dig deeper.
And when you can't dig
any more, dig deeper.
Then when there's
no more to dig...
Keep diggin'.
How long have
I been diggin' for?
About nine hours.
Remember what I said about
perseverance and discipline...
I killed the woman I loved,
three witnesses...
followed by an 11-hour
drive to the desert
and nine hours of digging.
You think maybe there's,
like, some kind of lesson
to be learned from all of this?
That's a good question.
Want to switch off
for a little while?
I feel really bad for Mike.
Um, he's, he's a romantic...
and Abigail, I know,
was his, his muse,
and it's just -
he's really devastated.
It would be really cool if
there was somethin' I could do
to, like, bring her back.
What's our next move?
Going home,
gettin' cleaned up.
We can't go back
to your apartment.
We're not going
to my apartment.
We're going to yours, Bart.
That's okay, Bart, I got it.
I got it.
You're my guest.
Thank you.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Thanks for your help
out there today.
That was hard for me.
I can imagine.
You know, Abigail, she, uh--
You know, I, I think, there's
someone else
out there for you.
You think so?
That's what I keep
telling myself.
Here, this will keep you warm.
Sleep well.
This is a big
waste of time.
That guy killed everybody
in the apartment.
Why would he come back?
This is crazy, Mike.
Remember, Bart -
no bodies, no murder.
Why are we
sneaking around then?
Just in case.
We got to see if
they're on to us.
Shit, shit, shit.
You see that?
That means
we're a little fucked.
There's got to be a way,
there's got to be
a way out of this, man.
There's, there's a way,
you got to--
You're the one that
should know the ways,
find the way out
of this and we'll fucking
take the way out of it.
Bart, Bart, Bart.
There are a couple ways
out of this - jail or death.
[Mike laughing]
That's fucking funny?
No, there are
certain ways out--
All right, all right.
Fuck you, jail and death.
I can't go to jail.
If I'm going to jail
I'm going to get raped.
Just shut up.
Those are the worst--
I mean, you're such
a fucking idiot.
Like, I'm too young
to go to jail.
Would you just shut up?!
Have you not listened to
anything that I've told you?
I've listened to everything
you said and I'm fucked!
You take a note for a while.
Perseverance and discipline!
Don't look to me
for external validation.
You think living this
life is fucking easy?
Nothing in this
world that brings
any kind of gratification
is going to be easy.
We all go through
periods of doubt, Bart,
but you can't go fuckin' crazy.
All right.
You got to stay calm.
You got to stay
on the path
and you got to stay
true to the cause.
All right.
I got faith in you, Bart.
I've got a fucking hell
of a lot of faith in you.
Hell, yes!
Motherfucking hell, yes.
You didn't know that?
I knew that.
We all go through
periods of doubt, man.
But when the winds of
change blow their gale,
that is when you have
to lean against their fury.
All right, all right.
Remember -
perception's reality.
You remember nothing else,
you remember that -
Perception is reality.
We think we can
get out of this,
we're gonna get out of this.
I think we're gonna
get out of this.
We're gonna be fine.
Uncle Mike has got
you covered, okay?
Where are we gonna go?
You ever hear of a little
place called Mexico?
[Bart laughing]
That's where
we're goin', Bart!
But first we got to take a
little stop off at the shack.
All right.
Plan for the worst,
hope for the best.
What's in the cabinet, Mike?
Oh, sweet!
Is that rope?
I love rope.
Bart, Bart, breathe.
Never underestimate the
power of cold hard cash.
If you need to get out
of the country quick,
you're gonna need it.
Wow, we're rich.
Your money.
Good documentation
is absolutely imperative.
And you'd be surprised
what you can get
a graphic design student to do
for a couple of hundred bucks.
Oh, yeah, passports.
I don't have one.
That's cool, though.
Probably borrow one of yours.
Always keep
a packed suitcase.
What's in there?
What do you got?
Ah, sweet. Clothes.
Have you ever heard
the expression -
'Only use in case
of emergencies'?
What's that?
That's everything.
Just-in-case case, Bart.
What's in the
just-in-case case?
A surprise.
Creating a new look
is imperative
to getting away
from the authorities.
Hydrogen peroxide.
[voice on police radio]
What do you think?
You look really dangerous -
and cool.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
You look like you're,
like, a lead singer
of a punk rock band
or something.
You know, I guess the
cops aren't gonna be
lookin' for Billy Idol.
That's for sure.
Hey, should we
do my hair next?
I don't really have
enough peroxide.
What's wrong?
Don't worry about it.
You're not gonna
need a new look.
You're gonna
love Mexico, Bart.
It's all cervezas
and senoritas.
[taser gun]
The first rule in facing
the authorities is -
never ask yourself
if you can get away.
What's the magic
mantra we need to
keep saying to ourselves?
Perception is reality.
If we think we can
get away, we can.
Holy shit.
What the fuck?
Are there any more cops?
That fuckin' cop shot me in
the neck with a taser gun.
You got him.
I think you got him
right in the heart.
Lucky shot.
You all right?
Yeah, I--
Go get the peroxide.
Because it
disinfects cuts, Bart.
Give me the rag, too.
[police sirens]
How many?
Get down.
Uh, just, just one of them.
That's okay.
One's doable.
One's okay.
There's two now.
Two is still great odds.
We can get out of this.
Have you been involved
in a lot of standoffs
with the police before?
First one, actually.
Keep an eye on the corner
of that shack, boys.
I don't want anything comin'
out of there and surprising us.
That's all right, 'cause I got
a lot of self-confidence.
Mike, there's a third car.
Mike, can you
hear me in there?
Hey, see him?
We know who you are -
this is not gonna
end well for you!
Is this how we're goin' out?
Mike, we got you surrounded!
Is this it, Bart?
Is this how we're
gonna go out,
my young, faithful apprentice?
We can still make
it out of this.
Mike, you're backed
up into a corner.
You got nowhere to go.
When we get out of this,
I want to, like,
get some of my own pupils.
You know, and like
start a school.
I want to make a difference;
I want to show people
there is a purpose
or all this.
I'm proud of you, man.
You're really takin' the bull
by the horns on this one.
Now go get me that case.
That's a big gun.
It has a big task at hand.
Do yourself a favor, Mike.
Come out now!
I'm afraid I can't do that!
I'm out! Cover me!
What the fuck are
you doin' in here?
This son of a bitch
just took out half our guys.
These guys got families.
You just gonna sit there
and let that happen?
He's got a fucking
machine gun.
I don't care if he's got
a fucking grenade launcher.
I've been friends with these
guys since you were
a baby shitting diapers.
Did you fuckin'
call the cops, Bart?
Then how the fuck did
they get out there?!
I don't know.
Are you fucking crazy?
Don't you fucking lie to me.
I wouldn't call the cops.
I swear.
We're gonna give
him to the count of ten.
If he doesn't come out,
we're goin' in.
You got me?
They'll cut us apart!
We stand our ground, all right?
Now put your fuckin' balls on.
Mike, I'm gonna give
you to the count of ten.
If you don't come out,
we're comin' in.
Can you hear me,
you son of a bitch?
Shut the fuck up or I'm
puttin' one in your head.
We're on the same team.
You really
disappointed me, Bart.
You really disappointed me.
Don't shoot,
don't shoot!
I'm comin' out
with a hostage.
You move, he dies.
I know you're my friend.
Shut the fuck up, Bart.
Mike, release the hostage.
Release the hostage, Mike.
Release the fuckin' hostage!
You need to fuckin' relax!
Please don't kill me.
Please don't kill me.
You need to listen
to me, Bart.
You tell them you're my hostage.
Do you understand me?
Yeah, yeah.
You say that
and you say nothing else.
You got to trust me.
Close your eyes.
Mike, thank you.
Thank you for everything.
It's been a real honor.
Come on.
He's alive.
Good, come on
Go see if he's on
the other side of this shack.
On the count of three,
you go left, I go right.
We're gonna kill
this son of a bitch.
We should stick together.
We're gonna split up
on the count of three.
Drop it.
You drop it.
Drop the fucking weapon
or you're a dead man!
You gonna shoot me?
I will if I have to.
How you gonna do that
if I shoot you first?
Don't make me do this.
I'm gonna give you to the
three to drop your gun, son.
I'm warning you.
Drop your fucking weapon!
Textbooks tell us
that serial killers
don't have the capacity
to care for others,
to establish
functional relationships.
That's the clinical definition
of a sociopath.
And...that's very hard
for us to comprehend -
that a serial killer
cannot differentiate
between going into a liquor
store to buy a six pack,
and going into a liquor store
to shoot the clerk in the face.
How's it goin'?
It's going all right.
How are you?
I'm well.
Thanks for comin' down.
What happened to your eye?
Oh, some guys were
trying to rape me again.
They didn't succeed though.
My asshole's still a virgin.
So...any thoughts
about the verdict?
Thoughts about the verdict.
Well, I guess I knew
it was inevitable.
I've always thought about
the terminus of my lifestyle.
Glimpsing my own
mortality is the reason
I became a serial killer
in the first place.
So as far as
the verdict goes...
Yeah, I expected it.
Things fall apart.
They do.
Have a bite.
Oh, no.
It's your last meal.
Doesn't mean I can't share it.
No, thanks.
Suit yourself.
It's always somethin'.
You can't ever just sit down,
can't ever just talk.
Can't have a fuckin' meal.
It's okay.
I never wanted
to hurt Abigail.
But you did.
I never wanted
to hurt Abigail.
And I believe you.
I do.
You know, I'm not
a spiritual person,
but I like to think of...
her bein' around
somewhere right now.
Being lovely.
God, I loved her.
You should have met her.
I'd like to think
maybe she'd understand
why I did what I did.
You know what pisses me off?
Every time I read an article
about myself it says
I was a motiveless killer.
It makes me think they
didn't even get it.
My message.
My purpose.
Which is?
Oh, come on!
You don't know?
It's not my message
to articulate, Mike.
I simply want to remind people
that this is a beautiful
world that we live in,
and I want them to
wake up every day...
and appreciate it.
It's a privilege
to be here, Doc.
And I hope you appreciate it.
It's a privilege.
["Amazing Grace"
plays on an organ]
He's such an amazing person.
It's like, most people just
go through life complaining,
but Mike...
Mike saw through it all.
And he, like, only focused on
what was good about the world.
And that, that is
such a special thing
to be able to do, and he did it.
And I don't, I can honestly
say I don't know anyone
in this entire world who
has the, the joy of life,
you know, that Mike has.
The joie de vivre.
All those people
out there saying,
saying bad things about him.
They don't even know what the
fuck they're talking about.
Mike Wilson saved my life.
And I, I just hope
that I can make
a fraction of the difference
that Mike made, you know?