How to Date Billy Walsh (2024) Movie Script
1
- [singing in the distance]
- [panting]
- [crowd noise in the distance]
- [grunts]
[exhales]
Baby, if you thought
that I was trouble
Then you're gonna hate
what's coming next
Kinda like your
worst nightmare but double
Is that an angel?
No, it's your ex
Remember how you screwed up
when I was a brunette?
I don't think you knew
just what you'd done
Whoa, I'll fuck your life up
as a blonde...
[yelps]
[gasps and chatter]
[boy]
Get off the stage, knobhead!
[overlapping chatter]
[girl]
What the fuck is going on?
- [boy 2] He looks like shit!
- [crowd boos]
- [boy 3] Get off!
- [crowd chants] Off! Off! Off!
- [girl 2] Get off the stage!
- [boy 4] Don't give him the mic.
- [boy 5] Sit down, dickhead!
- [cheering continues]
- Happy graduation, honey!
- [laughs]
[twinkling sound]
Double fudge chocolate gateau
with cream.
[pants] Shit.
Now, I know
what you're thinking.
You're thinking
that whatever this kid
with the cracked glasses
and busted-up lip
who's about to be covered in
cake and stinks like... [sniffs]
yeah, shit, is about to do,
he will regret this
for the rest of his life.
[scoffs] And you know what?
You might be right.
But here's the thing you need
to know about being in love.
Love is pain.
Love is hurt.
Love is...
Sugar, spice and I'm nice,
show me what you're made of
Crazy, sexy, cool, baby,
with or without make-up
- Got nothing to prove...
- Oh!
Amelia Brown.
- I'mma show you how I do...
- Whoa!
That mess right there,
that's my best friend
in the whole damn universe
and has been ever since the
hospital switched us at birth.
- Aw!
- [baby cries]
- True story.
- [baby groans]
Let's just say Amelia's mum
got a bit more
than she bargained for
when she opened my nappy.
[baby laughs]
After that day,
our dads became best friends,
- our mums became best friends.
- Say cheese.
Even our dogs
became best friends.
[dog whines]
When we were five years old,
we made a promise.
- No secrets.
- No secrets.
And it was easy because
we told each other everything.
Well, that's not entirely true.
There was one secret
that I have wanted to tell Milly
my entire life.
Three little words that I
have wanted to say to her
for as long as I can remember.
Amelia Elizabeth Brown.
I...
I...
- I lo...
- [car tyres screech]
Jesus Christ, Jules!
Yeah, not those three words.
From the word go,
we found the same things funny.
[screaming on film]
[farts]
- Did you just...?
- Fear fart?
- [farts]
- [laughs]
The same things sad.
Always follow your heart, Mils.
It rarely leads you
the wrong way.
[soft music playing
on gramophone]
[Archie]
We found the same things...
strange.
[chain saw whirring on film]
But every time I tried to tell
Amelia how I felt about her,
those three words
didn't seem to come out right.
I, um...
I need to, um...
I need to...
OK. Is this big?
[chuckles]
You're, like, really sweating.
I... love...
you... [sneezes]
You love Yousif?
Everybody, I am gay!
- Yeah, no shit.
- Sit down, Yousif.
[applause dies down]
Yeah, that was awkward
for a while.
Anyway, that's just
a little context about me,
my family, and my best...
[sighs]
ex-best-friend, Milly.
But to really understand
how I've ended up on this stage
further away from love
than I have ever been before,
I need to take you back
to upper sixth, April 17th.
The Easter holidays were over.
It was our last
first day back to school ever.
Tonight was finally the night
that I was going to tell
Amelia Brown
that I am, and always have been,
head over heels
in love with her.
Hmm.
I have everything planned,
and this time,
not even the universe
is gonna get in my way.
Hmm.
Pretty sure that had
bird shit on it. [laughs]
What up, chuckle? [kisses]
What up, beef cakes?
- Hello, William.
- Hey.
- William?
- Yes, Miss Brown?
Could you play some kick-ass,
big-boss
- final-term music please?
- I certainly can, Miss Brown.
Hold tight.
Wet! Wet! Wet! Wet!
Wet! Wet! Wet! Wet!
[laughter]
Oh, Oh, my God, hey...
Stupid boy
think that I need him, yo
I go cold
like changing seasons
I go red hot like a demon,
I go ghost for no damn reason
Stupid boy
think that I need him
Yo, what's up?
Pleasing, season, I'm spicy
Hot to touch,
too much, too pricey
-Heathen, I'm in your
psyche -[girls] Whoa...
Stupid boy
think that I need him
I go ghost for
no damn reason
Stupid boy
think that I need him
Stupid, stupid,
you dumb, you goofy, goofy
This pussy juicy, juicy...
[boy] Archie!
Oh, nah, boy, you could never
cos you not clever enough
[groans]
I don't want you
and I don't want your homie
Cos both of
y'all are suckers
Y'all some dumb dumbs
I could play you straight up
out your bread
Now you got crumb crumbs
I don't really need a man,
but sometimes I want one...
Ooh! Naughty.
[students chatter]
Yeah, that wasn't us.
Gonna be the best term yet.
You'll see.
Gonna be the worst term
of your life.
You'll see. [laughs]
- I thought dipshit was expelled.
- Looks like he's back. Again.
Great. Well, at least
he can't follow us to uni.
Unless they're hiring janitors.
[Amelia]
Six weeks till the ball.
So, who are you taking,
Cinderella?
[gasps] Funny.
I say we just binge
silent-era horror movies
and then get pissed
on one of my parents' dusty
bottles of champagne
like the rock stars that we are.
- In our gowns, of course.
- Right. Of course.
Let's do this, big boy.
[engine revs]
Huh?
Mississippi Queen
If you know what I mean...
- Who is that?
- Kiss my arse, universe.
I know what you're trying to do,
but trust me,
- that is not Milly's type.
- He is so my type.
[students chatter]
- Who is he, anyway?
- He's, like, 40. Jesus.
He's probably a teacher
or somebody's dad.
No way in hell
that guy is a student.
And this is
our brand-new student,
all the way from Hollywood
in California...
Billy Walsh.
Oh, fuck off, universe.
Hey, not quite school attire
but, er, you look cool.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
- No, thank you.
- Hey, everyone.
- [students] Hi!
- Billy Walsh.
- [gasps]
Sit down, Yousif.
My dad just moved here
for business,
so I'm gonna be joining you
for the rest of the semester.
I've never been
to England before,
but I hear
a lot of awesome things.
Really excited
to get to know all of you.
Thank you
for such a warm welcome.
[applause]
- What a douche.
- Total douche.
[Archie] You can tell me
if you like him.
They've definitely
gotten bigger.
Definitely.
That, or her eyebrows
have gotten smaller.
[laughs]
And I don't like him, OK?
I don't even know him.
It could be padding.
That is not padding.
[both] Padding.
I told you.
Nothing to worry about.
Well, easy for you to say.
Boys don't know what
it's like having small boobs.
I'd rather brain than boobs
any day.
It'd be like having
a small penis,
but it's on your chest
and everyone can see it
all the time.
- You know what I mean.
- "You?"
Why the fuck did you say
"you" like that?
I'll have you know
I have a very developed dick.
[scoffs] OK, Mr Developed Dick.
[exhales]
Phase one, secure her evening.
- Oh, I forgot to mention...
- It's not padding.
- Bitch.
- [girls laugh]
I'm gonna shank her, Archie.
I'll do it, I swear to God.
All right, Shawshank. Just take
a breath and have some juice.
[girls laugh]
[girl] He looked so embarrassed.
Four-eyes.
Take two. [chuckles]
Oh, um, I forgot to mention
they're, um,
they're playing
Night of the Living Dead
at the Savoy after school.
It cost me an arm and a leg
- bribing this old bastard.
- [chuckles]
I can't believe
they're playing our fav...
[smooth rock music]
Is it just me, or does he
walk in slow motion?
Just you. Can we get back
to what's important, please?
That guy is very clearly
a massive dingleberry.
You don't know anything
about him.
Trust me, I know.
Oh! Sorry.
- Here.
- Thanks.
OK, that was, admittedly,
unfortunate timing,
but, trust me,
Billy Walsh has bad news
tattooed on his ball sack.
I think somebody's
a little jealous.
[scoffs] You wish.
Check this out.
I bet my entire trust fund
that he sits with Tony
and the swim team.
Hi.
Clearly I'm not crazy.
I mean, you can see who this guy
is from a mile away, right?
He's a...
- Loner?
- [boy] He's studying.
Am I rich now?
I'm rich, bitches!
And now he's pretending to read.
Give me a break.
So back to phase one,
"Night of the Living Dead".
Good evening.
Thank you.
- [Amelia] Where is everybody?
- I don't know.
Phase two,
pull out all the stops.
[Johnny in film] I jumped out
at you from behind the tree
and Grandpa got all excited
and he shook his fist at me
and he said, "Boy,
you'll be damned to hell!"
[Barbara]
Stop it, now. I mean it.
[Johnny] You're still afraid.
They're coming to get you,
Barbara.
Remember? Remember
we had to go to Willard then?
[both reciting] This isn't
a passing thing, honey.
It's... it's not like just
the wind passing through.
We've got to do something,
and fast.
[dramatic film music]
- [Barbara screams]
- [farts]
Fear fart.
Phase three, pop the question.
Come on, Archie.
You can do this.
[breathes heavily]
What's up?
- I can't do this.
- Archie?
They're nice seats, aren't they?
Very, um...
- [seat squeaks]
- Very well made, actually.
Velvety, almost. [chuckles]
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
Archie-boy is always, um, OK.
[chuckles]
Oh, shit. You've had
too much sugar, haven't you?
- What?
- That thing's happening again.
- Come on, let's walk it off.
- No, I...
No, sorry, um, I... [sighs]
I have to tell you something.
Something, um, something big.
Bigger than anything before.
Like really, really big.
- OK. It's big, I get it.
- Yeah.
[exhales]
That's funny because...
I have something
to tell you too.
Something big.
OK. Well, um...
Well, you go first.
No, no, no. This is your moment.
I don't want to interrupt it.
No, no, honestly, you go.
OK.
[background music
starts to build]
[laughs] Whoa. I'm nervous.
Shit. She's gonna ask me.
I don't think I've ever been
nervous in front of you before.
It's OK. I'm nervous too.
Right. I'm just gonna
come right out and say it.
- OK.
- Here we go.
OK.
[background music
builds to a climax]
- I love Billy Walsh.
- I love you too.
[needle scratches, music stops]
To the moon and back.
I'm so happy for you.
Wait, what?
- I know. It's soon, right?
- Soon? Soon?
- It's been ten fucking hours.
- No, I know it sounds crazy,
but I've never felt this kind
of attraction to someone before.
- He's such a...
- Fuckhead.
- What?
- Did I just say that out loud?
A mystery. [chuckles]
I don't know, uh...
Anyway...
You've taken this, like,
really badly.
- Me?
- Yeah.
No! No, this is... this is...
Literally the worst night
of my whole fucking...
- Fuck, fuck, fuck you, universe!
- [zombies hiss]
Fantastic. This is fantastic.
I know you're worried
he'll hurt me.
Hurt you? You've barely
spoken a word to him.
You sound... [whistles] nuts.
[laughs]
Thanks, Archie.
Means a lot.
[Archie sighs]
Well, what were you
gonna tell me?
Mum's bought sex toys.
No idea where that came from.
- Really?
- Yeah. Big ones.
["Wet Dream" by Wet Leg ]
[Amelia] Aww.
After that night,
it was like the floodgates
to Billy City had been opened.
[Amelia sighs softly]
- Beam me up
- Beam me up
- Count me in
- Count me in
- Three, two, one
- Three, two, one
- Let's begin
- [phone chimes]
- Here we go
- Here we go
- [phone chimes]
- Here we go
- Here we go, here we go
- [groans]
I was in your wet dream
driving in my car
[phone vibrates]
Saw you at the side
of the road
There's no one else around
You're touching yourself,
touching yourself
Touching your...
touching yourself
Touching yourself
You said, "Baby, do you want
to come home with me?"
"I got 'Buffalo '66' on DVD"
You said, "Baby, do you want
to come home with me?"
"I got 'Buffalo '66' on DVD"
- Beam me up
- Beam me up
- Count me in
- Count me in
- Three, two, one
- Three, two, one
Let's begin
- Here we go...
- [screams]
- Here we go...
- [laughter]
- [camera clicks]
- [Archie] Within a week,
Billy had literally
become a health hazard.
[bangs table]
And she had yet to speak
a single word to him,
let alone tell him how she felt.
I couldn't tell Milly.
Milly couldn't tell Billy.
[sighs]
Perhaps we should all just go
and have one big
ironic threesome.
[groans]
[exhales]
Nine hundred and ninety-nine.
Not bad.
- [rhythmic clattering]
- [mother moans]
I know what you're thinking,
but you're wrong.
They're not having sex.
[mother] Oh! We are having sex!
That should be me down there.
You know what I mean.
[buzzer sounds]
I told you he'd join
the swim team.
- [cheering]
- ["Wet Dream" by Wet Leg ]
It's enough, it's enough
- It's enough, it's enough
- Yes!
It's enough, it's enough,
it's enough, it's enough
- Beam me up
- Beam me up
- Count me in
- Count me in
- Three, two, one
- Three, two, one
Let's begin
- Here we go
- Here we go
- Here we go
- Here we go
Here we go,
here we go, here we go
- Beam me up
- Beam me up
- Count me in
- Count me in
- Three, two, one
- Three, two, one
Let's begin
[man] Yes, it was all
rather lovely, I must say.
And the Spanish coast
is simply magnificent.
And the people, the Spaniards...
You tell them, honey-bunny.
Just... [sighs]
incredibly sensual.
- Hmm, hmm.
- Yeah.
Well, you both do seem
very happy.
Oh, uh... well, yes, we've...
- actually never been happier.
- Yeah.
- Have we, bunny-honey?
- [chuckles]
[moans]
[exhales]
[clears throat]
So what is the secret?
- Sorry, darling?
- Come on.
You guys have been fighting
like cats and dogs for years.
- Oh.
- What's the secret?
Um... Well, um...
let's just say we had some help
from a little friend.
- Dildo!
- Huh?
- "Little friend" equals dildo.
- No, it doesn't.
[gasps]
Threesome. Holy shit.
Your parents are sex perverts.
Popcorn, please.
[mother] How long's it been now?
Seven, eight years?
Darling, we love Jules,
you know that.
Of course we still do, but there
is a whole world out there.
- There must be someone!
- [sighs]
[exhales]
- OK, there is someone.
- [both] Ooh!
- Potentially.
- [mother] What's her name?
Her name is Maggie.
She's my new bookkeeper.
She's quiet but sweet, and
she makes the best cups of tea.
My God,
she's like a human calculator.
I mean, it's incredible, really.
Jesus, Rupert.
My wife's drying up
just listening to you.
- George, stop it!
- [George] Sorry.
- Hmm!
- Naughty. So you like her?
- It's been so long, you know?
- [both whisper]
Yes, darling.
I come into work, I know exactly
what I want to say...
and I don't know.
- I think we should tell him.
- [mutters quietly]
Tell me what?
[clears throat]
- Darling, can you keep a secret?
- Yeah, of course. Anything.
Well, it's no secret George and
I were on the verge of tyranny.
Everybody knows that.
And we tried everything,
didn't we, darling?
Therapists.
Marriage counsellors.
We ever tried a threesome.
[mouths] I knew it!
And nothing worked. Nothing.
- That is until...
- [Rupert] Yes?
Yes?
Sylvie from the golf club
told us about this man
they call the Love Doctor.
The Love Doctor.
- It's a one-on-one video...
- Sorry, sorry.
How is it you think
that the Love Doctor
is the most important part
of that story?
My parents had a threesome.
Kinky.
It's important because
if the Love Doctor
can literally make anyone
fall in love with you then...
- Hiya, Billy.
- Hey.
- What class have you got next?
- Uh, English.
Same. Come along.
- [Billy] OK.
- [boy] Billy?
Amber?
They looked pretty
loved up to me.
I have to get in there
before he asks her to the ball.
There's, what,
four weeks till the big night?
The ball?
- I thought we were gonna...
- Oh, come on, Archie!
What can I do?
My parents are hardly
gonna give me the details
- of their sex doctor.
- Love Doctor!
Whatever.
I doubt this Love Doctor
is gonna help some schoolgirl
bag a guy she's never spoken to
who already has a girlfriend.
They are not official!
Archie. Have I ever asked you
for anything?
- Yes, literally all the time.
- Come on.
This is really important to me.
Why? What's the big deal about
Billy bloody Walsh, anyway?
So many other people would
kill to take you to the ball.
Like who?
You really want to know
why it's such a big deal?
[sighs]
[sighs] Because I've never
had a boyfriend before.
I mean, I'm 17 years old,
for crying out loud,
and I haven't
even kissed anyone.
I want to, you know, experience
things before we finish school.
And I want those experiences
to be with Billy.
Fuck, no!
Look... [sighs]
can I be honest with you?
Always.
We're part of an ecosystem,
Milly,
a food chain that exists,
whether we like it or not.
And I hate to say it,
but we are at the bottom of it.
Popular people
go for popular people.
Good-looking people
go for good-looking people.
Not people like me,
and not people like you.
I... I didn't mean... Milly!
Milly, I...
Shit.
[chuckling]
- Hey, Ru.
- Hey. Archie.
Who's your, um... friend?
Oh, that's, uh, that's Maggie.
Anyhoo,
Amelia running late again?
Oh, no, she's gone, Arch.
She left early on her bike.
Ah.
[chandelier tinkles]
[yelps] Fuck!
[sighs]
Bingo.
[phone chimes]
[phone chimes]
Huh?
[meowing]
- [phone chimes]
- [sighs]
- Huh?
- [bridge creaks]
What the hell
are you doing up there?
[screams]
Archie!
- I'll do it.
- Do what?
- The Love Doctor.
- [squeals]
[Archie breathes heavily]
[sighs]
I was starting to think you were
in love with me or something.
[laughs]
Are you?
- What?
- In love with me?
- Ugh, gross, dude!
- I was kidding, you geek.
You're the geek.
- Well, in that case...
- [car approaches]
- Hello, William.
- Lovely to see you, Miss Brown.
[Amelia chuckles]
And with the passing
of a piece of paper,
- the love of my life was gone.
- [car door slams]
Hey! Hey, wait!
- You forgot about me!
- [car horn beeps]
And with the Love Doctor's help,
there'd be no stopping
her conquest of Billy.
See you tonight, Billy.
- See you later, boys.
- [boys] Bye, Amber.
And, yes,
he's on the rugby team, too.
- Y'all are too horny, man.
- [Tony laughs]
- Whoops.
- [boy] Tosser. [laughs]
- Undeveloped dick syndrome.
- What did you say?
[pants]
Romeo, Romeo,
wherefore art thou Romeo?
Mr Quigley,
could you be our Romeo?
Stand, boy!
How do you expect
to defeat the mighty Tybalt
whilst hiding in the shadows?
- I don't expect to...
- [girls gasp]
Geek versus Goliath.
Miss Farthing, come along.
Please, Romeo. Save me
from this wretched beast.
Suck it, Trent!
[students gasp]
[boys groan]
[students laugh]
[Trent groans]
[sighs]
Bravo! Bravo, dear Romeo.
Not exactly a classical
depiction of our Romeo,
but behind the mask,
it could be anyone.
- [spotlight clicks]
- It could be anyone.
That's it!
Whoa.
Hmm...
Maybe that's not quite right.
[gasps]
["Weirdos" by Black Honey ]
This is a song
for the weirdos
The anti-heroes
Won't fit in if you tried
A song for the freaks
and the scumbags
The good kids gone bad,
live wild on the outside
As heavy as Marlboro Red
You're wondering
who's your friend
- Whoa! Whoo!
- This is a song for...
[mobility scooter beeps]
[students chatter]
What's up, buttercup?
Sniffing my panties again?
[chuckles] Hmm.
No, seriously,
what are you doing in my locker?
- [Tony] Billy.
- Throw the ball.
[Tony] Go long.
[gasps]
Earth to Milly.
Weekend reading.
- Aw.
- Hmm. [grunts]
I need new friends.
[chatter on TV]
[laughter on TV]
- [sighs]
- [phone rings]
- [exhales] OK.
- [clears throat]
[clears throat softly]
I'm Amelia.
What age...
[voice changes] ...are you?
- Eighteen.
- You're sure?
- My service isn't for children.
- Yes, I'm sure.
I want you to listen to me,
Amelia.
This isn't for
the faint-hearted.
It isn't for the weak,
and it's going to require
complete and absolute trust.
Trust in me.
Trust in my process.
And trust in yourself.
We are dealing with love.
The most powerful
of all the human emotions.
The emotion
that combines all others,
pain,
fear,
sadness,
joy...
into one.
Are you prepared
to do exactly as I say,
to do what needs to be done
to win in the game of love?
Yes.
You know,
you sound a lot like...
Good. Now, um...
Tell me about
the young man in question
and I'll give you all the steps
to make him fall... hard.
Well...
He's got this stupid
girl-slash-friend thing going on
- with this moron called Amber.
- Tell me about her.
My best friend Archie and I
call her and her friends
the Eyebrow Crew
because they have
these huge eyebrows.
Yes, very... Yeah, yeah, good.
This is clearly what
it will take to get noticed.
- [girl gasps]
- [laughter]
[laughter continues]
Oh, my God!
[gasps]
[laughter continues]
Oh, dear
[phone rings]
What the hell happened?
I'm going viral as Batface Girl!
I want my money back!
- Slow down, I...
- Slow down?
Now, you listen to me, old man.
I have a very particular
set of skills,
skills I have acquired
over a very long career,
skills that make me a nightmare
for people like you.
Are you quoting, um... oh...
Liam Neeson?
Didn't think
you'd have seen that one.
But the point remains the same.
I will hunt you down and break
your heart like you have mine,
and it won't be metaphorical
unless you fix this.
OK, firstly, I haven't taken
any money from you.
This was a no-win,
no-fee situation.
And, secondly, tell me exactly
what happened.
I went into school
with my new eyebrows,
exactly as you instructed.
But... [sighs]
everyone just laughed at me.
And... [sighs]
Penny tripped over
and spilled juice on my face
and Billy came...
- Billy came and saw me.
- Perfect.
- I know... Wait, what?
- What?
Uh, oh, um...
Billy, um... Billy noticed you?
Yes, but he...
There's no such thing
as bad press, Amelia.
Before today, Billy Walsh
didn't even know you existed.
Your relationship with him was
entirely inside your own head.
Now he knows exactly
who you are.
Batface Girl.
You're like a superhero,
and he's never
going to forget it.
[sighs] Yeah.
Now that he's seen you,
it's time for you to see him.
Eye contact is vital.
The more you stare, the more
you will bore into his soul.
[Amelia grunts]
[gasps]
Oh!
[Archie as Love Doctor]
Make him jealous.
- And I mean really jealous.
- [boys chatter]
- I need to kiss you.
- I need you not to!
[sighs]
- [girls laugh]
- What is she even doing?
- Can't believe it. Oh, God.
- She is so desperate.
- Her stupid fucking trousers.
- [laughs]
Looks like a midlife crisis.
[Amber] Don't get me started
on the hair. What has she used?
- Gorilla Glue?
- [girl laughs loudly]
It's not that funny.
So, how's it going
with you know who?
[Amber] He's coming to mine
this weekend,
and I plan on making it
hashtag official,
- if you know what I mean.
- [squeals]
- Let's go.
- [door opens]
I wouldn't go so far as to
call myself a genius, but I am.
You want me,
I want you, baby
My sugarboo, I'm levitating
What up, chuckles?
The Love Doctor
didn't tell you to...
- What?
- Did he tell you...?
Well, he didn't tell me
not to do it.
Besides,
I feel pretty damn good.
- Looking good, Miss Brown.
- Thank you, William.
Bugger, bugger, bugger.
["About Damn Time" by Lizzo ]
It's bad bitch o'clock,
yeah, it's thick-thirty
[boys cheering]
I've been through a lot,
but I'm still flirty
Is everybody back up
in the building?
It's been a minute,
tell me how you're healing
What the fuck is going on?
How you feeling?
How you feel right now?
Oh, I've been so down
and under pressure
I'm way too fine
to be this stressed, yeah
Oh, I'm not the girl I was
or used to be
Uh, bitch, I might be better
Turn up the music,
turn down the lights
I got a feeling
I'm gon' be all right
- OK
- OK
All right,
it's about damn time
Turn up the music,
let's celebrate
I got feeling I'm gon' be OK
- [boys gasp]
- OK
OK
All right,
it's about damn time
[boys] Oh...
In a minute, I'mma need
a sentimental man or woman
To pump me up
Feeling fussy,
walking in my Balenciussys...
- [car engine revs]
- [gasps]
- [groans]
- [laughter]
Oh, she got creamed.
Smile, Splat-Face Girl.
[sighs]
[students chatter]
- Hey. You OK?
- [girl] So embarrassing.
How many fingers
am I holding up?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
It's OK.
She's OK. I'll, um...
I'll take it from here.
Thanks, big man.
Well, I think she should
probably still see a nurse.
- [Amelia gasps]
- Yeah, I got it.
You forgot your pencil.
So, Batface Girl,
Savoy and hot dogs
or tent and fear farts?
Do we know you?
Uh, well...
we have been in the same school
and year and classes for almost
seven years now, but... no.
- I guess not.
- Oh.
How funny.
Didn't even know you existed.
Or you, Alan.
It's Archie,
but don't worry about it.
So here's the thing.
We saw you talking to Billy
earlier, didn't we, girls?
[girls] Hm-hmm.
Well, I fell and cut my knee
and he...
Aw.
- Poor little goose.
- [girl laughs]
Billy's my boyfriend.
And we're going to
the ball together.
- He's asked you?
- Face it.
He's out of your league.
Even with your vagina on show.
[laughter]
If I threw a stick, Amber,
would you chase it?
Excuse me?
- You heard me.
- [boy] Oh...
Sorry, my ears
don't understand nerd.
- [laughter]
- Well, let me be clear then.
We value your opinion about as
much as we value a white crayon.
[students] Ooh!
[girl] Oh, Amber.
Mummy and Daddy might have all
the money in the world, Alan.
But clearly,
it doesn't buy taste.
[laughter]
Look, Amber, I'm sorry.
It's not that I don't like you,
it's just that
if you were on life support,
I'd unplug you
- to charge my third phone.
- [laughter]
Why don't you spend less time
worrying about us
and more time worrying
about your eyebrows?
[laughter]
[gasps]
[students gasp]
Come, Amelia.
We've got geography.
And these bitches are history.
- Mashface Girl!
- [laughter]
- [Amelia laughs]
- Whoo!
[laughs]
"Stop worrying about us
and start worrying more
about your eyebrows!"
I may have said that one
a few times in the mirror.
That was literally the best
thing anyone's ever done for me.
[scoffs] Nothing
you wouldn't have done for me.
[laughs]
- Ugh!
- [both laugh]
[Billy] Amelia!
Hey.
I'm glad I caught up with you.
Er, hey, man.
What you did in there
was super awesome.
Aw, how sweet.
You can drown now.
It's Amelia, right?
Listen, I know
we don't know each other,
but I've seen you around a lot
and we've never spoken, but...
do you want to go to
dinner sometime?
- What about Amber?
- I always preferred the people
that get milkshakes
thrown on them,
rather than the ones
doing the throwing.
- What do you say?
- Yes. Yes, definitely.
I mean, maybe.
Yes, I'm in.
Cool.
- Uh, I'll pick you up tonight.
- [chuckles] Yeah.
See you later. Later, dude.
Later, dickhead.
[squeals]
I look hot in it, hot in it,
I look hot in it
I'm gon' be rocking it,
dropping it
Shake my ass, no stopping it,
I look hot in it, hot in it
I look hot in it
Tonight I'm gon' be
rocking it, dropping it
Shake my ass, no stopping it
Nope.
I look hot in it, hot in it,
I look hot in it
Tonight I'm gon' be
rocking it, dropping it
- Yes!
- Shake my...
[sighs]
[sighs]
- [phone rings]
- Fuck's sake.
[exhales]
I'm panicking.
I need your help.
He asked me on a date.
A date! He asked me.
You are a genius, Love Doctor.
[snores]
[Amelia] Love Doctor?
Love Doctor?
- Love Doctor?
- A date?
Yes, a, um...
a date is a great idea.
[chuckles]
This is where you have to
put it all on the line.
- What do you mean?
- It's not going to be easy.
But if you truly love...
Billy Walsh,
I'll tell you exactly
what you need to do
to make sure he loves you back.
Tell me.
I'll do whatever you say.
The meaner you treat him,
the keener you'll keep him.
Billy Walsh will be like
putty in your hands.
It's human nature 101.
The meaner you are
to Billy Walsh,
and anyone else in
the restaurant, for that matter,
the better.
Er...
What is this, the 1950s?
Take this away.
And get me a beer!
- So...
- So what?
Uh... so, you like beer?
- Love it.
- Cool.
I guess this doesn't matter.
Er, so, tell me about yourself,
Billy boy.
What brings you
to the United Kingdom?
AKA England.
Er, my father, actually.
He's a...
Ooh.
He's actually a... [clears
throat] importer and exporter.
What time do you
get off tonight?
Er...
Around 11.
Once I've done the bins.
Good to know, cutie.
[chuckles awkwardly]
Hey, you OK?
Never better.
[slurps]
[gulps]
So you're a swim team captain,
rugby captain,
and you're an A-star student?
What, were you made in a lab?
I bet your parents
worship the ground
that Golden Balls walks on.
It's not like that.
And to top it all off,
let me guess.
Your parents are happily married
and they have been since they
met at that high school dance
35 years ago.
[scoffs] What a clich.
You know what?
Tonight was a mistake.
You're not the person
I thought you were.
[door opens]
- [door opens]
- Call me!
[groans]
You know,
I've been judged my entire life.
People have looked at me
and figured it must be
the easiest thing in the world
being Billy Walsh.
- I...
- And that it's inconceivable
for me to somehow feel
any hardship or sadness.
- That's not a...
- You don't know
that I haven't shared
a conversation with my dad
in the past five years
about anything other than
sports or scholarships.
And ever since my mom died,
he has been so consumed
by his own pain
he is completely oblivious
to mine.
And you don't know that
because you don't know me.
And just like everybody else,
you don't want to.
Tonight was a mistake.
I just wanna say...
you have the most incredible
bone structure.
[scoffs]
[turns engine on]
[indistinct chatter]
- [sighs]
- [tannoy feedback]
[Amelia] Hello, everyone.
My name is
Amelia Elizabeth Brown.
Shit.
And last night,
I misjudged someone.
Someone who had the bravery
to show me who they really are.
To show me their scars, so...
now I'm going to show you mine.
OK, I'll start at the beginning.
When I was three,
we were stuck in traffic
on the way to Disneyland
and I had to go to
the bathroom, like, now.
My parents told me to go
on the side of the motorway,
thinking it was just
a number one.
[laughter]
- So, I got out...
- Huh?
dutifully squatted down
and took a huge dump
on the hard shoulder.
[laughter]
Amelia Brown's officially
having a mental breakdown.
[Amelia] When I was four,
my family and I
went to Edinburgh
and decided to go
to the botanical gardens.
I was drawn to these
giant lily pads.
I had memories of watching frogs
jump on them in Disney movies
and thought it would be
an excellent idea
to try and hop onto one to see
if it could hold my weight.
[sniffs]
I hate these fucking kids.
It didn't.
OK, this is a good one.
When I was five,
I stood on a wasps' nest
while playing hide and seek.
I was wearing a skirt
and got stung on my vagina.
[laughter]
- Hashtag swollen lips.
- This is gold. [laughs]
Hashtag officially ruined.
[emojis giggle]
[loud chatter]
You know, when I was eight,
my mum, she wanted me
to go to the Girl Guides.
I really didn't want to go.
But she took me there anyway.
And before
I got out of the car...
I told her that I hated her.
A few days later, she got sick
and was taken into hospital.
When I was nine,
my mum still wasn't
out of hospital.
And when I was ten, she died.
[cries quietly]
When I was 11,
my dad brought a mannequin
home from work
and started dancing with it
in our living room.
Milly!
Milly, stop.
You don't have to do this.
When I was 12, I developed a
massive crush on Justin Bieber.
And when I was 13,
I stuck a picture of him
- onto my dad's mannequin...
- [boy] She's in here!
- and practised kissing it.
- [students laugh]
I think it's safe to say
that now, standing here,
watching Milly reveal
the most embarrassing,
most horrific parts of her life,
I may have taken this
a little too far.
[students jeer and chatter]
When I was 14, I started padding
my bra with tissue paper.
I heard somewhere along the way
that if you love someone,
you have to set them free.
[sighs] It's a hard concept
to understand
unless you've been
where I am right now.
And when I was 15,
I started to get worried
that I'd never been kissed.
[Archie] But maybe that is
exactly what I have to do.
I have to set Amelia Brown...
- When I look into your eyes
- free.
When I was 17...
It's like watching the night
- [fire extinguisher hisses]
- [screaming]
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much
they hold
[fire alarm rings]
And just like them old stars
I see that you've
come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
Well, I won't give up on...
I'm still 17 years old.
-Even if the skies get rough
-And I'm about to graduate.
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing
your space
To do some navigating
And I've still never
kissed anyone.
I'll be here
patiently waiting
To see what you find
[gasps]
Cos even the stars,
they burn
[laughs]
Some even fall to the earth
- We got...
- No!
Detention! Forever!
Perverts!
Don't stop, William.
[indistinct chatter]
[shouting]
If I were you,
I would open my curtains
[boy grunts]
No, no, no! [groans]
If I were you,
I would have a look outside
[mouths]
Put on my shoes
And leave this
sunken room behind
And I would drive
[boys chant]
And on my way,
I would visit your mother
Wait till you see
what I do with these.
If I were you,
I would ask about her life
Maybe you'll find...
[chuckles]
You know, I might be one of
the only people in the universe
who doesn't like popcorn
or milk chocolate balls.
- More for me.
- OK.
[chuckles]
[cheering]
This is the best part.
You don't wanna miss it!
- [audience gasps]
- [farts]
- I'm sorry.
- Did you just fart?
Um, no.
It... It was a fear fart.
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
- [crashing in film]
- [cheering]
[phone chimes]
Who knows how long we got?
[phone rings]
As long as I am breathing
Know it's not too late
to love
[phone continues ringing]
- [school bell rings]
- [cheering]
How are you holding up?
I won't be needing that,
that's for sure.
[William grunts]
[sighs]
[Archie] Wow.
[gasps] Whoa.
[Rupert] All well out there
in the universe?
Ready for your big day tomorrow?
[Rupert sighs]
[Rupert groans]
[exhales]
Can I ask you something
about Mum?
Always.
How did you know that,
you know, she was the one?
Oh, that was easy.
She was the only girl
in university who wanted me.
- [scoffs] Dad!
- [laughs]
- No, I'm serious.
- [sighs]
OK, well, um...
she had this beat-up
old Volkswagen.
One day, she broke down right
outside the university gates.
And that was the first time
that I plucked up the courage
- to speak to her.
- What did you say?
Well, her head was buried
in the bonnet, but I said...
"Time to check that thing
into the old Volks' home,
don't you think?"
- No, you didn't.
- [laughs] Yes.
No, you didn't!
Oh, I hope she ran a mile!
Well, luckily for me,
your mum was new to the area,
so I did offer her a tour.
All the way
to the local petrol station,
which just happened
to be miles away,
and we fell in love
on that drive... as friends.
Friends?
Yeah, best friends.
We spent... Well, we spent
every waking moment together.
I mean, there was nobody
we would rather spend time
with than each other.
You know, it just...
it just made perfect sense.
If you think too loudly,
you'll never hear
the answer you're looking for.
Right, I'm gonna go to bed.
I love you, Mills.
[Maggie sighs, chuckles]
[sighs] How do I look?
Like your mother.
Well, thanks for your help,
Maggie.
I never would have got
this dress over these bad boys.
[chuckles] He's one lucky boy.
Would you both mind
giving me a minute?
Of course.
[footsteps recede]
Always follow your heart, Mills.
It'll rarely lead you
the wrong way.
[motorbike approaches]
Hey, Billy.
- Good afternoon, Mr Brown.
- How are you?
[Billy] Milly?
- Hey, Milly, you in there?
- [knocking at door]
- Milly?
- [whispers] The window.
I wanna see the rest of the
world the same way that you do
I wanna be the home that you
leave and you return to
Godspeed!
I wanna stay here in your
arms as long as I can do
[gasps]
The silver hair
and golden years
That seem so far
until they're near
There's so much left
to do down here, I know
All anyone wants is just
More time, more life,
more healing
More love, more us,
more feeling, yeah
Oh, I just need,
I'm just needing
More you,
more nights for dreaming
These days go by
so fast and I...
Huh?
Oh, I just need,
I'm just needing more
Oh, yeah
- Oh, I just need...
- [dress rips]
[children shout]
Yeah, I just need,
I'm just needing more
More
- [Amelia screams]
- [bike bell rings]
More healing
More love, more us,
more feeling, yeah
Oh, I just need,
I'm just needing
More you,
more nights for dreaming
[yelps]
These days go by so fast
and I
Oh, I just need,
I'm just needing more
Oh, yeah
More
Oh, I just need,
I'm just needing
More
Oh, I just need,
I'm just needing
More
Yeah, I just need,
I'm just needing more
Oh, yeah
William, please, just...
Can you just leave me alo...
- What are you doing here?
- Shut up.
Get dressed.
[Amelia sighs]
I need a date.
- What happened to Boy Wonder?
- Less questions, more dressing.
[sighs]
We should be drunk by now.
Enough.
We've barely spoken for weeks,
and now you're here in my house,
in my room,
asking me to drink champagne
and pretending
like everything's normal.
[sighs] Archie, I...
Look, if you and Billy
have had some sort of argument
and you've come here because
you want little old Archie
to pat you on the back
and tell you it will all be OK,
it's not gonna happen.
Not today.
Not anymore.
Archie, that's not why I'm here.
- Then why are you here?
- Because I made a mistake.
OK?
A big, fat, stupid mistake.
I've spent so long dreaming
of having a boyfriend
and falling in love
and going on romantic dates.
Sunset kisses.
When always...
it's been right in front of me.
Are you...?
I love you...
Archibald Richard
Randolph Reginald Arnold.
And I always have.
- [groans]
- [glass smashes]
- [clang]
- [groans] Whoa!
[objects rattle]
- How'd that go?
- Yep. Yep.
Love is like rocket,
watch it blast off
And I'm feeling so electric,
dance my arse off
And even if I wanted to,
I can't stop
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
My love is like rocket,
watch it blast off
And I'm feeling so electric,
dance my arse off
And even if I wanted to,
I can't stop
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You want me,
I want you, baby
My sugar boo
[chuckles]
[phone chimes]
[sighs]
[phone vibrates]
[phone vibrates]
[phone vibrates]
- [gasps]
- Milly.
I'm gonna need some help.
What the fuck?
- [inhales]
- What the fuck, Archie?
I can explain.
What the fuck?
Amelia, wait. Please.
[car door opens]
There are moments in your life
where you're faced
with just two choices.
[car engine starts]
The consequences of either one
will shape the rest of your days
for as long as you live.
Sometimes you have to listen
to what the universe
is trying to tell you.
Sometimes all you can do is tell
the universe to go fuck itself
and do exactly what you know
in your heart is right.
And if there's one thing I know
now more than ever before
it's that Amelia Brown
is my universe.
[sighs] That'll do.
It's time for the finale.
[grunts]
- What the fuck?
- [laughs]
[laughs]
[laughs]
[distant music playing]
[Amber] You're really
impressive in class.
You're, like, totally right
about everything you say.
- [footsteps approach]
- [student] Let's get a drink.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Can we talk?
- [clears throat]
You look really beautiful,
Amber.
I know.
- Photo booth.
- [girls chatter]
- Anyone spiked the punch yet?
- Er, yeah.
Excellent.
So, er...
things have been
a little... weird.
And I, and I think...
Well, well, no...
I know that's on me.
Mostly on me.
But for what it's worth,
I truly am sorry for...
well, everything.
And you're a great guy, Billy.
I mean that.
- But...
- Look, um... [clears throat]
I've never been
broken up with before.
So, is it OK if I just stop you
right there?
I am sorry.
So where is he then?
I think it's gonna be me,
myself and Milly for a while.
- Sounds chaotic.
- [chuckles]
Er... find me for a dance later?
- You can count on it.
- [Tony] Hey!
- Ooh!
- Where have you been?
Sorting out your little problem.
What problem
would that be exactly?
[laughs]
[pole creaks]
[exhales]
[grunts]
[footsteps approach]
Who's there?
Stop right there.
I've... I've got a gun!
No way are you rescuing me.
You're only a hero
if the person needs rescuing,
and I was perfectly fine
out here alone
enjoying some quality
Archibald time.
Yeah?
I see you got a haircut too.
[Archie groans]
[pants]
Go get her.
Right.
This doesn't mean we're friends!
The English. So dramatic.
Baby, if you thought
that I was trouble
Then you're gonna hate
what's coming next
Kinda like your
worst nightmare but double
Is that an angel?
No, it's your ex
Remember how you screwed up
when I was a brunette?
I don't think you knew
just what you'd done
[grunts]
[students chatter]
I need that microphone.
I think you're gonna need
a lot more than that.
I fucked up.
It's about a girl, and...
It's about a girl?
Why didn't you say?
[booing and jeering]
[girl] Wanker!
Just picture everybody naked.
Especially that one over there.
- Shrivelled yam bag.
- [Archie laughs]
[laughter in crowd]
- [boy 1] Don't give him the mic!
- [girl 1] What are you doing?
- [boy 2] You suck!
- [booing]
[girl 2] Get him off!
[girl 3]
Get off the fucking stage!
- [boy 3] Bell-end!
- [jeering continues]
- Happy graduation, honey!
- [laughs]
[crowd gasps]
- [laughter]
- [girl 4] Get off.
[girl 5] You're up there,
come on, at least say something.
[girl 6] Go home, loser!
- My name is...
- Cakeface Boy!
[laughter]
[booing and shouting]
[boy 3]
Get off the stage, four eyes!
- [crowd chants] Off! Off! Off!
- [groans]
[laughter]
[jeering continues]
For as long as I can remember...
I've been fascinated
by the night sky.
[boy] Who cares?
Home to over
200 billion trillion stars.
And much like our universe, we
were all born after a big bang.
- Oh. Amen.
- [laughter]
And just like the stars, we're
all unique in our own ways.
Billy.
You're a solar-type star,
just like Alpha Centauri.
You'll burn so bright
that we can all see you,
a gravitational pull so large
that others are drawn
towards it.
[boy] That's our Billy!
We have hot blue stars
that are naturally so beautiful.
We have super giant stars
and so many more.
And, all of you,
you're all your own stars.
I'm a binary star.
A star system consisting of two
stars orbiting a common centre.
The B star, me,
it shines less bright,
but its counterpart...
the primary star,
it burns much brighter.
Much hotter.
And I almost destroyed
my counterpart.
My star.
Never again will I lose sight
of its brilliance.
Never again will I be so stupid
or so selfish or so...
scared.
Milly.
I will never again stand
in the way of what you want
or what makes you happy.
And I'm truly sorry that I have
kept something from you
for as long as I can remember.
And I can blame it on
the universe as much as I want,
but the truth is...
I've been a coward.
Until now.
Amelia Elizabeth Brown...
[chuckles]
I love you more than I have
ever found a way to say.
I love you more
than I did yesterday,
and I will love you
more tomorrow.
I love you more than the
universe, more than the stars...
Just shut up.
And kiss me.
This wasn't how
it's supposed to go
I should be the one
you're dancing with...
Any childhood loves
I should know about?
- Charles Dickens.
- Everybody at my fingertips
- He's dead, right?
- Ninth of June, 1870.
And, baby,
you were meant to follow me
And I was gonna
act surprised
-Even though I'd know you...
-Wanna dance?
It's not like
I've been crying
No
There's just smoke
in my eyes
Cos this ain't no
John Hughes movie
Where the girl gets the guy
You look right through me
every time you walk by
I keep waiting for
the heartbreak music
That's never gonna come
Cos if you don't want me
Then you're not the one
Sitting on a bathroom floor
Trying to get
my composure back
Think I built it up too tall
Knew I should've worn
my Adidas
It's not like
I've been crying, no
There's just smoke
in my eyes
Cos this ain't no
John Hughes movie
Where the girl gets the guy
You look right through me
every time you walk by
I keep waiting for
the heartbreak music
That's never gonna come
Cos if you don't want me
Then you're not the one
[phone line rings]
Hello?
Yes, hello.
Is this the Love Doctor?
["Tongue Tied" by Grouplove
]
Take me to
your best friend's house
Going round this roundabout,
oh, yeah
Take me to
your best friend's house
I loved you then
and I love you now, oh, yeah
Don't take me tongue-tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't...
Break
Take me to
your best friend's house
Marmalade,
we're making out, oh, yeah
Take me to
your best friend's house
I loved you then
and I love you now
Don't take me tongue-tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't...
Break
One, two, three, four
Don't leave me tongue-tied,
let's stay up all night
I'll get real high,
slumber party, pillow fight
My eyes on your eyes
like Peter Pan up in the sky
My best friend's
house tonight
Let's bump the beats
till beddy-bye
Don't take me tongue-tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't take me tongue-tied
Don't kiss me goodnight
Don't...
Take me to
your best friend's house
Going round this roundabout,
oh, yeah
Take me to
your best friend's house
I loved you then
and I love you now
Don't leave me tongue-tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't leave me tongue-tied
Don't...
Don't leave me tongue-tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't leave me tongue-tied
Don't...
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah
- [singing in the distance]
- [panting]
- [crowd noise in the distance]
- [grunts]
[exhales]
Baby, if you thought
that I was trouble
Then you're gonna hate
what's coming next
Kinda like your
worst nightmare but double
Is that an angel?
No, it's your ex
Remember how you screwed up
when I was a brunette?
I don't think you knew
just what you'd done
Whoa, I'll fuck your life up
as a blonde...
[yelps]
[gasps and chatter]
[boy]
Get off the stage, knobhead!
[overlapping chatter]
[girl]
What the fuck is going on?
- [boy 2] He looks like shit!
- [crowd boos]
- [boy 3] Get off!
- [crowd chants] Off! Off! Off!
- [girl 2] Get off the stage!
- [boy 4] Don't give him the mic.
- [boy 5] Sit down, dickhead!
- [cheering continues]
- Happy graduation, honey!
- [laughs]
[twinkling sound]
Double fudge chocolate gateau
with cream.
[pants] Shit.
Now, I know
what you're thinking.
You're thinking
that whatever this kid
with the cracked glasses
and busted-up lip
who's about to be covered in
cake and stinks like... [sniffs]
yeah, shit, is about to do,
he will regret this
for the rest of his life.
[scoffs] And you know what?
You might be right.
But here's the thing you need
to know about being in love.
Love is pain.
Love is hurt.
Love is...
Sugar, spice and I'm nice,
show me what you're made of
Crazy, sexy, cool, baby,
with or without make-up
- Got nothing to prove...
- Oh!
Amelia Brown.
- I'mma show you how I do...
- Whoa!
That mess right there,
that's my best friend
in the whole damn universe
and has been ever since the
hospital switched us at birth.
- Aw!
- [baby cries]
- True story.
- [baby groans]
Let's just say Amelia's mum
got a bit more
than she bargained for
when she opened my nappy.
[baby laughs]
After that day,
our dads became best friends,
- our mums became best friends.
- Say cheese.
Even our dogs
became best friends.
[dog whines]
When we were five years old,
we made a promise.
- No secrets.
- No secrets.
And it was easy because
we told each other everything.
Well, that's not entirely true.
There was one secret
that I have wanted to tell Milly
my entire life.
Three little words that I
have wanted to say to her
for as long as I can remember.
Amelia Elizabeth Brown.
I...
I...
- I lo...
- [car tyres screech]
Jesus Christ, Jules!
Yeah, not those three words.
From the word go,
we found the same things funny.
[screaming on film]
[farts]
- Did you just...?
- Fear fart?
- [farts]
- [laughs]
The same things sad.
Always follow your heart, Mils.
It rarely leads you
the wrong way.
[soft music playing
on gramophone]
[Archie]
We found the same things...
strange.
[chain saw whirring on film]
But every time I tried to tell
Amelia how I felt about her,
those three words
didn't seem to come out right.
I, um...
I need to, um...
I need to...
OK. Is this big?
[chuckles]
You're, like, really sweating.
I... love...
you... [sneezes]
You love Yousif?
Everybody, I am gay!
- Yeah, no shit.
- Sit down, Yousif.
[applause dies down]
Yeah, that was awkward
for a while.
Anyway, that's just
a little context about me,
my family, and my best...
[sighs]
ex-best-friend, Milly.
But to really understand
how I've ended up on this stage
further away from love
than I have ever been before,
I need to take you back
to upper sixth, April 17th.
The Easter holidays were over.
It was our last
first day back to school ever.
Tonight was finally the night
that I was going to tell
Amelia Brown
that I am, and always have been,
head over heels
in love with her.
Hmm.
I have everything planned,
and this time,
not even the universe
is gonna get in my way.
Hmm.
Pretty sure that had
bird shit on it. [laughs]
What up, chuckle? [kisses]
What up, beef cakes?
- Hello, William.
- Hey.
- William?
- Yes, Miss Brown?
Could you play some kick-ass,
big-boss
- final-term music please?
- I certainly can, Miss Brown.
Hold tight.
Wet! Wet! Wet! Wet!
Wet! Wet! Wet! Wet!
[laughter]
Oh, Oh, my God, hey...
Stupid boy
think that I need him, yo
I go cold
like changing seasons
I go red hot like a demon,
I go ghost for no damn reason
Stupid boy
think that I need him
Yo, what's up?
Pleasing, season, I'm spicy
Hot to touch,
too much, too pricey
-Heathen, I'm in your
psyche -[girls] Whoa...
Stupid boy
think that I need him
I go ghost for
no damn reason
Stupid boy
think that I need him
Stupid, stupid,
you dumb, you goofy, goofy
This pussy juicy, juicy...
[boy] Archie!
Oh, nah, boy, you could never
cos you not clever enough
[groans]
I don't want you
and I don't want your homie
Cos both of
y'all are suckers
Y'all some dumb dumbs
I could play you straight up
out your bread
Now you got crumb crumbs
I don't really need a man,
but sometimes I want one...
Ooh! Naughty.
[students chatter]
Yeah, that wasn't us.
Gonna be the best term yet.
You'll see.
Gonna be the worst term
of your life.
You'll see. [laughs]
- I thought dipshit was expelled.
- Looks like he's back. Again.
Great. Well, at least
he can't follow us to uni.
Unless they're hiring janitors.
[Amelia]
Six weeks till the ball.
So, who are you taking,
Cinderella?
[gasps] Funny.
I say we just binge
silent-era horror movies
and then get pissed
on one of my parents' dusty
bottles of champagne
like the rock stars that we are.
- In our gowns, of course.
- Right. Of course.
Let's do this, big boy.
[engine revs]
Huh?
Mississippi Queen
If you know what I mean...
- Who is that?
- Kiss my arse, universe.
I know what you're trying to do,
but trust me,
- that is not Milly's type.
- He is so my type.
[students chatter]
- Who is he, anyway?
- He's, like, 40. Jesus.
He's probably a teacher
or somebody's dad.
No way in hell
that guy is a student.
And this is
our brand-new student,
all the way from Hollywood
in California...
Billy Walsh.
Oh, fuck off, universe.
Hey, not quite school attire
but, er, you look cool.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
- No, thank you.
- Hey, everyone.
- [students] Hi!
- Billy Walsh.
- [gasps]
Sit down, Yousif.
My dad just moved here
for business,
so I'm gonna be joining you
for the rest of the semester.
I've never been
to England before,
but I hear
a lot of awesome things.
Really excited
to get to know all of you.
Thank you
for such a warm welcome.
[applause]
- What a douche.
- Total douche.
[Archie] You can tell me
if you like him.
They've definitely
gotten bigger.
Definitely.
That, or her eyebrows
have gotten smaller.
[laughs]
And I don't like him, OK?
I don't even know him.
It could be padding.
That is not padding.
[both] Padding.
I told you.
Nothing to worry about.
Well, easy for you to say.
Boys don't know what
it's like having small boobs.
I'd rather brain than boobs
any day.
It'd be like having
a small penis,
but it's on your chest
and everyone can see it
all the time.
- You know what I mean.
- "You?"
Why the fuck did you say
"you" like that?
I'll have you know
I have a very developed dick.
[scoffs] OK, Mr Developed Dick.
[exhales]
Phase one, secure her evening.
- Oh, I forgot to mention...
- It's not padding.
- Bitch.
- [girls laugh]
I'm gonna shank her, Archie.
I'll do it, I swear to God.
All right, Shawshank. Just take
a breath and have some juice.
[girls laugh]
[girl] He looked so embarrassed.
Four-eyes.
Take two. [chuckles]
Oh, um, I forgot to mention
they're, um,
they're playing
Night of the Living Dead
at the Savoy after school.
It cost me an arm and a leg
- bribing this old bastard.
- [chuckles]
I can't believe
they're playing our fav...
[smooth rock music]
Is it just me, or does he
walk in slow motion?
Just you. Can we get back
to what's important, please?
That guy is very clearly
a massive dingleberry.
You don't know anything
about him.
Trust me, I know.
Oh! Sorry.
- Here.
- Thanks.
OK, that was, admittedly,
unfortunate timing,
but, trust me,
Billy Walsh has bad news
tattooed on his ball sack.
I think somebody's
a little jealous.
[scoffs] You wish.
Check this out.
I bet my entire trust fund
that he sits with Tony
and the swim team.
Hi.
Clearly I'm not crazy.
I mean, you can see who this guy
is from a mile away, right?
He's a...
- Loner?
- [boy] He's studying.
Am I rich now?
I'm rich, bitches!
And now he's pretending to read.
Give me a break.
So back to phase one,
"Night of the Living Dead".
Good evening.
Thank you.
- [Amelia] Where is everybody?
- I don't know.
Phase two,
pull out all the stops.
[Johnny in film] I jumped out
at you from behind the tree
and Grandpa got all excited
and he shook his fist at me
and he said, "Boy,
you'll be damned to hell!"
[Barbara]
Stop it, now. I mean it.
[Johnny] You're still afraid.
They're coming to get you,
Barbara.
Remember? Remember
we had to go to Willard then?
[both reciting] This isn't
a passing thing, honey.
It's... it's not like just
the wind passing through.
We've got to do something,
and fast.
[dramatic film music]
- [Barbara screams]
- [farts]
Fear fart.
Phase three, pop the question.
Come on, Archie.
You can do this.
[breathes heavily]
What's up?
- I can't do this.
- Archie?
They're nice seats, aren't they?
Very, um...
- [seat squeaks]
- Very well made, actually.
Velvety, almost. [chuckles]
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
Archie-boy is always, um, OK.
[chuckles]
Oh, shit. You've had
too much sugar, haven't you?
- What?
- That thing's happening again.
- Come on, let's walk it off.
- No, I...
No, sorry, um, I... [sighs]
I have to tell you something.
Something, um, something big.
Bigger than anything before.
Like really, really big.
- OK. It's big, I get it.
- Yeah.
[exhales]
That's funny because...
I have something
to tell you too.
Something big.
OK. Well, um...
Well, you go first.
No, no, no. This is your moment.
I don't want to interrupt it.
No, no, honestly, you go.
OK.
[background music
starts to build]
[laughs] Whoa. I'm nervous.
Shit. She's gonna ask me.
I don't think I've ever been
nervous in front of you before.
It's OK. I'm nervous too.
Right. I'm just gonna
come right out and say it.
- OK.
- Here we go.
OK.
[background music
builds to a climax]
- I love Billy Walsh.
- I love you too.
[needle scratches, music stops]
To the moon and back.
I'm so happy for you.
Wait, what?
- I know. It's soon, right?
- Soon? Soon?
- It's been ten fucking hours.
- No, I know it sounds crazy,
but I've never felt this kind
of attraction to someone before.
- He's such a...
- Fuckhead.
- What?
- Did I just say that out loud?
A mystery. [chuckles]
I don't know, uh...
Anyway...
You've taken this, like,
really badly.
- Me?
- Yeah.
No! No, this is... this is...
Literally the worst night
of my whole fucking...
- Fuck, fuck, fuck you, universe!
- [zombies hiss]
Fantastic. This is fantastic.
I know you're worried
he'll hurt me.
Hurt you? You've barely
spoken a word to him.
You sound... [whistles] nuts.
[laughs]
Thanks, Archie.
Means a lot.
[Archie sighs]
Well, what were you
gonna tell me?
Mum's bought sex toys.
No idea where that came from.
- Really?
- Yeah. Big ones.
["Wet Dream" by Wet Leg ]
[Amelia] Aww.
After that night,
it was like the floodgates
to Billy City had been opened.
[Amelia sighs softly]
- Beam me up
- Beam me up
- Count me in
- Count me in
- Three, two, one
- Three, two, one
- Let's begin
- [phone chimes]
- Here we go
- Here we go
- [phone chimes]
- Here we go
- Here we go, here we go
- [groans]
I was in your wet dream
driving in my car
[phone vibrates]
Saw you at the side
of the road
There's no one else around
You're touching yourself,
touching yourself
Touching your...
touching yourself
Touching yourself
You said, "Baby, do you want
to come home with me?"
"I got 'Buffalo '66' on DVD"
You said, "Baby, do you want
to come home with me?"
"I got 'Buffalo '66' on DVD"
- Beam me up
- Beam me up
- Count me in
- Count me in
- Three, two, one
- Three, two, one
Let's begin
- Here we go...
- [screams]
- Here we go...
- [laughter]
- [camera clicks]
- [Archie] Within a week,
Billy had literally
become a health hazard.
[bangs table]
And she had yet to speak
a single word to him,
let alone tell him how she felt.
I couldn't tell Milly.
Milly couldn't tell Billy.
[sighs]
Perhaps we should all just go
and have one big
ironic threesome.
[groans]
[exhales]
Nine hundred and ninety-nine.
Not bad.
- [rhythmic clattering]
- [mother moans]
I know what you're thinking,
but you're wrong.
They're not having sex.
[mother] Oh! We are having sex!
That should be me down there.
You know what I mean.
[buzzer sounds]
I told you he'd join
the swim team.
- [cheering]
- ["Wet Dream" by Wet Leg ]
It's enough, it's enough
- It's enough, it's enough
- Yes!
It's enough, it's enough,
it's enough, it's enough
- Beam me up
- Beam me up
- Count me in
- Count me in
- Three, two, one
- Three, two, one
Let's begin
- Here we go
- Here we go
- Here we go
- Here we go
Here we go,
here we go, here we go
- Beam me up
- Beam me up
- Count me in
- Count me in
- Three, two, one
- Three, two, one
Let's begin
[man] Yes, it was all
rather lovely, I must say.
And the Spanish coast
is simply magnificent.
And the people, the Spaniards...
You tell them, honey-bunny.
Just... [sighs]
incredibly sensual.
- Hmm, hmm.
- Yeah.
Well, you both do seem
very happy.
Oh, uh... well, yes, we've...
- actually never been happier.
- Yeah.
- Have we, bunny-honey?
- [chuckles]
[moans]
[exhales]
[clears throat]
So what is the secret?
- Sorry, darling?
- Come on.
You guys have been fighting
like cats and dogs for years.
- Oh.
- What's the secret?
Um... Well, um...
let's just say we had some help
from a little friend.
- Dildo!
- Huh?
- "Little friend" equals dildo.
- No, it doesn't.
[gasps]
Threesome. Holy shit.
Your parents are sex perverts.
Popcorn, please.
[mother] How long's it been now?
Seven, eight years?
Darling, we love Jules,
you know that.
Of course we still do, but there
is a whole world out there.
- There must be someone!
- [sighs]
[exhales]
- OK, there is someone.
- [both] Ooh!
- Potentially.
- [mother] What's her name?
Her name is Maggie.
She's my new bookkeeper.
She's quiet but sweet, and
she makes the best cups of tea.
My God,
she's like a human calculator.
I mean, it's incredible, really.
Jesus, Rupert.
My wife's drying up
just listening to you.
- George, stop it!
- [George] Sorry.
- Hmm!
- Naughty. So you like her?
- It's been so long, you know?
- [both whisper]
Yes, darling.
I come into work, I know exactly
what I want to say...
and I don't know.
- I think we should tell him.
- [mutters quietly]
Tell me what?
[clears throat]
- Darling, can you keep a secret?
- Yeah, of course. Anything.
Well, it's no secret George and
I were on the verge of tyranny.
Everybody knows that.
And we tried everything,
didn't we, darling?
Therapists.
Marriage counsellors.
We ever tried a threesome.
[mouths] I knew it!
And nothing worked. Nothing.
- That is until...
- [Rupert] Yes?
Yes?
Sylvie from the golf club
told us about this man
they call the Love Doctor.
The Love Doctor.
- It's a one-on-one video...
- Sorry, sorry.
How is it you think
that the Love Doctor
is the most important part
of that story?
My parents had a threesome.
Kinky.
It's important because
if the Love Doctor
can literally make anyone
fall in love with you then...
- Hiya, Billy.
- Hey.
- What class have you got next?
- Uh, English.
Same. Come along.
- [Billy] OK.
- [boy] Billy?
Amber?
They looked pretty
loved up to me.
I have to get in there
before he asks her to the ball.
There's, what,
four weeks till the big night?
The ball?
- I thought we were gonna...
- Oh, come on, Archie!
What can I do?
My parents are hardly
gonna give me the details
- of their sex doctor.
- Love Doctor!
Whatever.
I doubt this Love Doctor
is gonna help some schoolgirl
bag a guy she's never spoken to
who already has a girlfriend.
They are not official!
Archie. Have I ever asked you
for anything?
- Yes, literally all the time.
- Come on.
This is really important to me.
Why? What's the big deal about
Billy bloody Walsh, anyway?
So many other people would
kill to take you to the ball.
Like who?
You really want to know
why it's such a big deal?
[sighs]
[sighs] Because I've never
had a boyfriend before.
I mean, I'm 17 years old,
for crying out loud,
and I haven't
even kissed anyone.
I want to, you know, experience
things before we finish school.
And I want those experiences
to be with Billy.
Fuck, no!
Look... [sighs]
can I be honest with you?
Always.
We're part of an ecosystem,
Milly,
a food chain that exists,
whether we like it or not.
And I hate to say it,
but we are at the bottom of it.
Popular people
go for popular people.
Good-looking people
go for good-looking people.
Not people like me,
and not people like you.
I... I didn't mean... Milly!
Milly, I...
Shit.
[chuckling]
- Hey, Ru.
- Hey. Archie.
Who's your, um... friend?
Oh, that's, uh, that's Maggie.
Anyhoo,
Amelia running late again?
Oh, no, she's gone, Arch.
She left early on her bike.
Ah.
[chandelier tinkles]
[yelps] Fuck!
[sighs]
Bingo.
[phone chimes]
[phone chimes]
Huh?
[meowing]
- [phone chimes]
- [sighs]
- Huh?
- [bridge creaks]
What the hell
are you doing up there?
[screams]
Archie!
- I'll do it.
- Do what?
- The Love Doctor.
- [squeals]
[Archie breathes heavily]
[sighs]
I was starting to think you were
in love with me or something.
[laughs]
Are you?
- What?
- In love with me?
- Ugh, gross, dude!
- I was kidding, you geek.
You're the geek.
- Well, in that case...
- [car approaches]
- Hello, William.
- Lovely to see you, Miss Brown.
[Amelia chuckles]
And with the passing
of a piece of paper,
- the love of my life was gone.
- [car door slams]
Hey! Hey, wait!
- You forgot about me!
- [car horn beeps]
And with the Love Doctor's help,
there'd be no stopping
her conquest of Billy.
See you tonight, Billy.
- See you later, boys.
- [boys] Bye, Amber.
And, yes,
he's on the rugby team, too.
- Y'all are too horny, man.
- [Tony laughs]
- Whoops.
- [boy] Tosser. [laughs]
- Undeveloped dick syndrome.
- What did you say?
[pants]
Romeo, Romeo,
wherefore art thou Romeo?
Mr Quigley,
could you be our Romeo?
Stand, boy!
How do you expect
to defeat the mighty Tybalt
whilst hiding in the shadows?
- I don't expect to...
- [girls gasp]
Geek versus Goliath.
Miss Farthing, come along.
Please, Romeo. Save me
from this wretched beast.
Suck it, Trent!
[students gasp]
[boys groan]
[students laugh]
[Trent groans]
[sighs]
Bravo! Bravo, dear Romeo.
Not exactly a classical
depiction of our Romeo,
but behind the mask,
it could be anyone.
- [spotlight clicks]
- It could be anyone.
That's it!
Whoa.
Hmm...
Maybe that's not quite right.
[gasps]
["Weirdos" by Black Honey ]
This is a song
for the weirdos
The anti-heroes
Won't fit in if you tried
A song for the freaks
and the scumbags
The good kids gone bad,
live wild on the outside
As heavy as Marlboro Red
You're wondering
who's your friend
- Whoa! Whoo!
- This is a song for...
[mobility scooter beeps]
[students chatter]
What's up, buttercup?
Sniffing my panties again?
[chuckles] Hmm.
No, seriously,
what are you doing in my locker?
- [Tony] Billy.
- Throw the ball.
[Tony] Go long.
[gasps]
Earth to Milly.
Weekend reading.
- Aw.
- Hmm. [grunts]
I need new friends.
[chatter on TV]
[laughter on TV]
- [sighs]
- [phone rings]
- [exhales] OK.
- [clears throat]
[clears throat softly]
I'm Amelia.
What age...
[voice changes] ...are you?
- Eighteen.
- You're sure?
- My service isn't for children.
- Yes, I'm sure.
I want you to listen to me,
Amelia.
This isn't for
the faint-hearted.
It isn't for the weak,
and it's going to require
complete and absolute trust.
Trust in me.
Trust in my process.
And trust in yourself.
We are dealing with love.
The most powerful
of all the human emotions.
The emotion
that combines all others,
pain,
fear,
sadness,
joy...
into one.
Are you prepared
to do exactly as I say,
to do what needs to be done
to win in the game of love?
Yes.
You know,
you sound a lot like...
Good. Now, um...
Tell me about
the young man in question
and I'll give you all the steps
to make him fall... hard.
Well...
He's got this stupid
girl-slash-friend thing going on
- with this moron called Amber.
- Tell me about her.
My best friend Archie and I
call her and her friends
the Eyebrow Crew
because they have
these huge eyebrows.
Yes, very... Yeah, yeah, good.
This is clearly what
it will take to get noticed.
- [girl gasps]
- [laughter]
[laughter continues]
Oh, my God!
[gasps]
[laughter continues]
Oh, dear
[phone rings]
What the hell happened?
I'm going viral as Batface Girl!
I want my money back!
- Slow down, I...
- Slow down?
Now, you listen to me, old man.
I have a very particular
set of skills,
skills I have acquired
over a very long career,
skills that make me a nightmare
for people like you.
Are you quoting, um... oh...
Liam Neeson?
Didn't think
you'd have seen that one.
But the point remains the same.
I will hunt you down and break
your heart like you have mine,
and it won't be metaphorical
unless you fix this.
OK, firstly, I haven't taken
any money from you.
This was a no-win,
no-fee situation.
And, secondly, tell me exactly
what happened.
I went into school
with my new eyebrows,
exactly as you instructed.
But... [sighs]
everyone just laughed at me.
And... [sighs]
Penny tripped over
and spilled juice on my face
and Billy came...
- Billy came and saw me.
- Perfect.
- I know... Wait, what?
- What?
Uh, oh, um...
Billy, um... Billy noticed you?
Yes, but he...
There's no such thing
as bad press, Amelia.
Before today, Billy Walsh
didn't even know you existed.
Your relationship with him was
entirely inside your own head.
Now he knows exactly
who you are.
Batface Girl.
You're like a superhero,
and he's never
going to forget it.
[sighs] Yeah.
Now that he's seen you,
it's time for you to see him.
Eye contact is vital.
The more you stare, the more
you will bore into his soul.
[Amelia grunts]
[gasps]
Oh!
[Archie as Love Doctor]
Make him jealous.
- And I mean really jealous.
- [boys chatter]
- I need to kiss you.
- I need you not to!
[sighs]
- [girls laugh]
- What is she even doing?
- Can't believe it. Oh, God.
- She is so desperate.
- Her stupid fucking trousers.
- [laughs]
Looks like a midlife crisis.
[Amber] Don't get me started
on the hair. What has she used?
- Gorilla Glue?
- [girl laughs loudly]
It's not that funny.
So, how's it going
with you know who?
[Amber] He's coming to mine
this weekend,
and I plan on making it
hashtag official,
- if you know what I mean.
- [squeals]
- Let's go.
- [door opens]
I wouldn't go so far as to
call myself a genius, but I am.
You want me,
I want you, baby
My sugarboo, I'm levitating
What up, chuckles?
The Love Doctor
didn't tell you to...
- What?
- Did he tell you...?
Well, he didn't tell me
not to do it.
Besides,
I feel pretty damn good.
- Looking good, Miss Brown.
- Thank you, William.
Bugger, bugger, bugger.
["About Damn Time" by Lizzo ]
It's bad bitch o'clock,
yeah, it's thick-thirty
[boys cheering]
I've been through a lot,
but I'm still flirty
Is everybody back up
in the building?
It's been a minute,
tell me how you're healing
What the fuck is going on?
How you feeling?
How you feel right now?
Oh, I've been so down
and under pressure
I'm way too fine
to be this stressed, yeah
Oh, I'm not the girl I was
or used to be
Uh, bitch, I might be better
Turn up the music,
turn down the lights
I got a feeling
I'm gon' be all right
- OK
- OK
All right,
it's about damn time
Turn up the music,
let's celebrate
I got feeling I'm gon' be OK
- [boys gasp]
- OK
OK
All right,
it's about damn time
[boys] Oh...
In a minute, I'mma need
a sentimental man or woman
To pump me up
Feeling fussy,
walking in my Balenciussys...
- [car engine revs]
- [gasps]
- [groans]
- [laughter]
Oh, she got creamed.
Smile, Splat-Face Girl.
[sighs]
[students chatter]
- Hey. You OK?
- [girl] So embarrassing.
How many fingers
am I holding up?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
It's OK.
She's OK. I'll, um...
I'll take it from here.
Thanks, big man.
Well, I think she should
probably still see a nurse.
- [Amelia gasps]
- Yeah, I got it.
You forgot your pencil.
So, Batface Girl,
Savoy and hot dogs
or tent and fear farts?
Do we know you?
Uh, well...
we have been in the same school
and year and classes for almost
seven years now, but... no.
- I guess not.
- Oh.
How funny.
Didn't even know you existed.
Or you, Alan.
It's Archie,
but don't worry about it.
So here's the thing.
We saw you talking to Billy
earlier, didn't we, girls?
[girls] Hm-hmm.
Well, I fell and cut my knee
and he...
Aw.
- Poor little goose.
- [girl laughs]
Billy's my boyfriend.
And we're going to
the ball together.
- He's asked you?
- Face it.
He's out of your league.
Even with your vagina on show.
[laughter]
If I threw a stick, Amber,
would you chase it?
Excuse me?
- You heard me.
- [boy] Oh...
Sorry, my ears
don't understand nerd.
- [laughter]
- Well, let me be clear then.
We value your opinion about as
much as we value a white crayon.
[students] Ooh!
[girl] Oh, Amber.
Mummy and Daddy might have all
the money in the world, Alan.
But clearly,
it doesn't buy taste.
[laughter]
Look, Amber, I'm sorry.
It's not that I don't like you,
it's just that
if you were on life support,
I'd unplug you
- to charge my third phone.
- [laughter]
Why don't you spend less time
worrying about us
and more time worrying
about your eyebrows?
[laughter]
[gasps]
[students gasp]
Come, Amelia.
We've got geography.
And these bitches are history.
- Mashface Girl!
- [laughter]
- [Amelia laughs]
- Whoo!
[laughs]
"Stop worrying about us
and start worrying more
about your eyebrows!"
I may have said that one
a few times in the mirror.
That was literally the best
thing anyone's ever done for me.
[scoffs] Nothing
you wouldn't have done for me.
[laughs]
- Ugh!
- [both laugh]
[Billy] Amelia!
Hey.
I'm glad I caught up with you.
Er, hey, man.
What you did in there
was super awesome.
Aw, how sweet.
You can drown now.
It's Amelia, right?
Listen, I know
we don't know each other,
but I've seen you around a lot
and we've never spoken, but...
do you want to go to
dinner sometime?
- What about Amber?
- I always preferred the people
that get milkshakes
thrown on them,
rather than the ones
doing the throwing.
- What do you say?
- Yes. Yes, definitely.
I mean, maybe.
Yes, I'm in.
Cool.
- Uh, I'll pick you up tonight.
- [chuckles] Yeah.
See you later. Later, dude.
Later, dickhead.
[squeals]
I look hot in it, hot in it,
I look hot in it
I'm gon' be rocking it,
dropping it
Shake my ass, no stopping it,
I look hot in it, hot in it
I look hot in it
Tonight I'm gon' be
rocking it, dropping it
Shake my ass, no stopping it
Nope.
I look hot in it, hot in it,
I look hot in it
Tonight I'm gon' be
rocking it, dropping it
- Yes!
- Shake my...
[sighs]
[sighs]
- [phone rings]
- Fuck's sake.
[exhales]
I'm panicking.
I need your help.
He asked me on a date.
A date! He asked me.
You are a genius, Love Doctor.
[snores]
[Amelia] Love Doctor?
Love Doctor?
- Love Doctor?
- A date?
Yes, a, um...
a date is a great idea.
[chuckles]
This is where you have to
put it all on the line.
- What do you mean?
- It's not going to be easy.
But if you truly love...
Billy Walsh,
I'll tell you exactly
what you need to do
to make sure he loves you back.
Tell me.
I'll do whatever you say.
The meaner you treat him,
the keener you'll keep him.
Billy Walsh will be like
putty in your hands.
It's human nature 101.
The meaner you are
to Billy Walsh,
and anyone else in
the restaurant, for that matter,
the better.
Er...
What is this, the 1950s?
Take this away.
And get me a beer!
- So...
- So what?
Uh... so, you like beer?
- Love it.
- Cool.
I guess this doesn't matter.
Er, so, tell me about yourself,
Billy boy.
What brings you
to the United Kingdom?
AKA England.
Er, my father, actually.
He's a...
Ooh.
He's actually a... [clears
throat] importer and exporter.
What time do you
get off tonight?
Er...
Around 11.
Once I've done the bins.
Good to know, cutie.
[chuckles awkwardly]
Hey, you OK?
Never better.
[slurps]
[gulps]
So you're a swim team captain,
rugby captain,
and you're an A-star student?
What, were you made in a lab?
I bet your parents
worship the ground
that Golden Balls walks on.
It's not like that.
And to top it all off,
let me guess.
Your parents are happily married
and they have been since they
met at that high school dance
35 years ago.
[scoffs] What a clich.
You know what?
Tonight was a mistake.
You're not the person
I thought you were.
[door opens]
- [door opens]
- Call me!
[groans]
You know,
I've been judged my entire life.
People have looked at me
and figured it must be
the easiest thing in the world
being Billy Walsh.
- I...
- And that it's inconceivable
for me to somehow feel
any hardship or sadness.
- That's not a...
- You don't know
that I haven't shared
a conversation with my dad
in the past five years
about anything other than
sports or scholarships.
And ever since my mom died,
he has been so consumed
by his own pain
he is completely oblivious
to mine.
And you don't know that
because you don't know me.
And just like everybody else,
you don't want to.
Tonight was a mistake.
I just wanna say...
you have the most incredible
bone structure.
[scoffs]
[turns engine on]
[indistinct chatter]
- [sighs]
- [tannoy feedback]
[Amelia] Hello, everyone.
My name is
Amelia Elizabeth Brown.
Shit.
And last night,
I misjudged someone.
Someone who had the bravery
to show me who they really are.
To show me their scars, so...
now I'm going to show you mine.
OK, I'll start at the beginning.
When I was three,
we were stuck in traffic
on the way to Disneyland
and I had to go to
the bathroom, like, now.
My parents told me to go
on the side of the motorway,
thinking it was just
a number one.
[laughter]
- So, I got out...
- Huh?
dutifully squatted down
and took a huge dump
on the hard shoulder.
[laughter]
Amelia Brown's officially
having a mental breakdown.
[Amelia] When I was four,
my family and I
went to Edinburgh
and decided to go
to the botanical gardens.
I was drawn to these
giant lily pads.
I had memories of watching frogs
jump on them in Disney movies
and thought it would be
an excellent idea
to try and hop onto one to see
if it could hold my weight.
[sniffs]
I hate these fucking kids.
It didn't.
OK, this is a good one.
When I was five,
I stood on a wasps' nest
while playing hide and seek.
I was wearing a skirt
and got stung on my vagina.
[laughter]
- Hashtag swollen lips.
- This is gold. [laughs]
Hashtag officially ruined.
[emojis giggle]
[loud chatter]
You know, when I was eight,
my mum, she wanted me
to go to the Girl Guides.
I really didn't want to go.
But she took me there anyway.
And before
I got out of the car...
I told her that I hated her.
A few days later, she got sick
and was taken into hospital.
When I was nine,
my mum still wasn't
out of hospital.
And when I was ten, she died.
[cries quietly]
When I was 11,
my dad brought a mannequin
home from work
and started dancing with it
in our living room.
Milly!
Milly, stop.
You don't have to do this.
When I was 12, I developed a
massive crush on Justin Bieber.
And when I was 13,
I stuck a picture of him
- onto my dad's mannequin...
- [boy] She's in here!
- and practised kissing it.
- [students laugh]
I think it's safe to say
that now, standing here,
watching Milly reveal
the most embarrassing,
most horrific parts of her life,
I may have taken this
a little too far.
[students jeer and chatter]
When I was 14, I started padding
my bra with tissue paper.
I heard somewhere along the way
that if you love someone,
you have to set them free.
[sighs] It's a hard concept
to understand
unless you've been
where I am right now.
And when I was 15,
I started to get worried
that I'd never been kissed.
[Archie] But maybe that is
exactly what I have to do.
I have to set Amelia Brown...
- When I look into your eyes
- free.
When I was 17...
It's like watching the night
- [fire extinguisher hisses]
- [screaming]
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much
they hold
[fire alarm rings]
And just like them old stars
I see that you've
come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
Well, I won't give up on...
I'm still 17 years old.
-Even if the skies get rough
-And I'm about to graduate.
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing
your space
To do some navigating
And I've still never
kissed anyone.
I'll be here
patiently waiting
To see what you find
[gasps]
Cos even the stars,
they burn
[laughs]
Some even fall to the earth
- We got...
- No!
Detention! Forever!
Perverts!
Don't stop, William.
[indistinct chatter]
[shouting]
If I were you,
I would open my curtains
[boy grunts]
No, no, no! [groans]
If I were you,
I would have a look outside
[mouths]
Put on my shoes
And leave this
sunken room behind
And I would drive
[boys chant]
And on my way,
I would visit your mother
Wait till you see
what I do with these.
If I were you,
I would ask about her life
Maybe you'll find...
[chuckles]
You know, I might be one of
the only people in the universe
who doesn't like popcorn
or milk chocolate balls.
- More for me.
- OK.
[chuckles]
[cheering]
This is the best part.
You don't wanna miss it!
- [audience gasps]
- [farts]
- I'm sorry.
- Did you just fart?
Um, no.
It... It was a fear fart.
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
- [crashing in film]
- [cheering]
[phone chimes]
Who knows how long we got?
[phone rings]
As long as I am breathing
Know it's not too late
to love
[phone continues ringing]
- [school bell rings]
- [cheering]
How are you holding up?
I won't be needing that,
that's for sure.
[William grunts]
[sighs]
[Archie] Wow.
[gasps] Whoa.
[Rupert] All well out there
in the universe?
Ready for your big day tomorrow?
[Rupert sighs]
[Rupert groans]
[exhales]
Can I ask you something
about Mum?
Always.
How did you know that,
you know, she was the one?
Oh, that was easy.
She was the only girl
in university who wanted me.
- [scoffs] Dad!
- [laughs]
- No, I'm serious.
- [sighs]
OK, well, um...
she had this beat-up
old Volkswagen.
One day, she broke down right
outside the university gates.
And that was the first time
that I plucked up the courage
- to speak to her.
- What did you say?
Well, her head was buried
in the bonnet, but I said...
"Time to check that thing
into the old Volks' home,
don't you think?"
- No, you didn't.
- [laughs] Yes.
No, you didn't!
Oh, I hope she ran a mile!
Well, luckily for me,
your mum was new to the area,
so I did offer her a tour.
All the way
to the local petrol station,
which just happened
to be miles away,
and we fell in love
on that drive... as friends.
Friends?
Yeah, best friends.
We spent... Well, we spent
every waking moment together.
I mean, there was nobody
we would rather spend time
with than each other.
You know, it just...
it just made perfect sense.
If you think too loudly,
you'll never hear
the answer you're looking for.
Right, I'm gonna go to bed.
I love you, Mills.
[Maggie sighs, chuckles]
[sighs] How do I look?
Like your mother.
Well, thanks for your help,
Maggie.
I never would have got
this dress over these bad boys.
[chuckles] He's one lucky boy.
Would you both mind
giving me a minute?
Of course.
[footsteps recede]
Always follow your heart, Mills.
It'll rarely lead you
the wrong way.
[motorbike approaches]
Hey, Billy.
- Good afternoon, Mr Brown.
- How are you?
[Billy] Milly?
- Hey, Milly, you in there?
- [knocking at door]
- Milly?
- [whispers] The window.
I wanna see the rest of the
world the same way that you do
I wanna be the home that you
leave and you return to
Godspeed!
I wanna stay here in your
arms as long as I can do
[gasps]
The silver hair
and golden years
That seem so far
until they're near
There's so much left
to do down here, I know
All anyone wants is just
More time, more life,
more healing
More love, more us,
more feeling, yeah
Oh, I just need,
I'm just needing
More you,
more nights for dreaming
These days go by
so fast and I...
Huh?
Oh, I just need,
I'm just needing more
Oh, yeah
- Oh, I just need...
- [dress rips]
[children shout]
Yeah, I just need,
I'm just needing more
More
- [Amelia screams]
- [bike bell rings]
More healing
More love, more us,
more feeling, yeah
Oh, I just need,
I'm just needing
More you,
more nights for dreaming
[yelps]
These days go by so fast
and I
Oh, I just need,
I'm just needing more
Oh, yeah
More
Oh, I just need,
I'm just needing
More
Oh, I just need,
I'm just needing
More
Yeah, I just need,
I'm just needing more
Oh, yeah
William, please, just...
Can you just leave me alo...
- What are you doing here?
- Shut up.
Get dressed.
[Amelia sighs]
I need a date.
- What happened to Boy Wonder?
- Less questions, more dressing.
[sighs]
We should be drunk by now.
Enough.
We've barely spoken for weeks,
and now you're here in my house,
in my room,
asking me to drink champagne
and pretending
like everything's normal.
[sighs] Archie, I...
Look, if you and Billy
have had some sort of argument
and you've come here because
you want little old Archie
to pat you on the back
and tell you it will all be OK,
it's not gonna happen.
Not today.
Not anymore.
Archie, that's not why I'm here.
- Then why are you here?
- Because I made a mistake.
OK?
A big, fat, stupid mistake.
I've spent so long dreaming
of having a boyfriend
and falling in love
and going on romantic dates.
Sunset kisses.
When always...
it's been right in front of me.
Are you...?
I love you...
Archibald Richard
Randolph Reginald Arnold.
And I always have.
- [groans]
- [glass smashes]
- [clang]
- [groans] Whoa!
[objects rattle]
- How'd that go?
- Yep. Yep.
Love is like rocket,
watch it blast off
And I'm feeling so electric,
dance my arse off
And even if I wanted to,
I can't stop
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
My love is like rocket,
watch it blast off
And I'm feeling so electric,
dance my arse off
And even if I wanted to,
I can't stop
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You want me,
I want you, baby
My sugar boo
[chuckles]
[phone chimes]
[sighs]
[phone vibrates]
[phone vibrates]
[phone vibrates]
- [gasps]
- Milly.
I'm gonna need some help.
What the fuck?
- [inhales]
- What the fuck, Archie?
I can explain.
What the fuck?
Amelia, wait. Please.
[car door opens]
There are moments in your life
where you're faced
with just two choices.
[car engine starts]
The consequences of either one
will shape the rest of your days
for as long as you live.
Sometimes you have to listen
to what the universe
is trying to tell you.
Sometimes all you can do is tell
the universe to go fuck itself
and do exactly what you know
in your heart is right.
And if there's one thing I know
now more than ever before
it's that Amelia Brown
is my universe.
[sighs] That'll do.
It's time for the finale.
[grunts]
- What the fuck?
- [laughs]
[laughs]
[laughs]
[distant music playing]
[Amber] You're really
impressive in class.
You're, like, totally right
about everything you say.
- [footsteps approach]
- [student] Let's get a drink.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Can we talk?
- [clears throat]
You look really beautiful,
Amber.
I know.
- Photo booth.
- [girls chatter]
- Anyone spiked the punch yet?
- Er, yeah.
Excellent.
So, er...
things have been
a little... weird.
And I, and I think...
Well, well, no...
I know that's on me.
Mostly on me.
But for what it's worth,
I truly am sorry for...
well, everything.
And you're a great guy, Billy.
I mean that.
- But...
- Look, um... [clears throat]
I've never been
broken up with before.
So, is it OK if I just stop you
right there?
I am sorry.
So where is he then?
I think it's gonna be me,
myself and Milly for a while.
- Sounds chaotic.
- [chuckles]
Er... find me for a dance later?
- You can count on it.
- [Tony] Hey!
- Ooh!
- Where have you been?
Sorting out your little problem.
What problem
would that be exactly?
[laughs]
[pole creaks]
[exhales]
[grunts]
[footsteps approach]
Who's there?
Stop right there.
I've... I've got a gun!
No way are you rescuing me.
You're only a hero
if the person needs rescuing,
and I was perfectly fine
out here alone
enjoying some quality
Archibald time.
Yeah?
I see you got a haircut too.
[Archie groans]
[pants]
Go get her.
Right.
This doesn't mean we're friends!
The English. So dramatic.
Baby, if you thought
that I was trouble
Then you're gonna hate
what's coming next
Kinda like your
worst nightmare but double
Is that an angel?
No, it's your ex
Remember how you screwed up
when I was a brunette?
I don't think you knew
just what you'd done
[grunts]
[students chatter]
I need that microphone.
I think you're gonna need
a lot more than that.
I fucked up.
It's about a girl, and...
It's about a girl?
Why didn't you say?
[booing and jeering]
[girl] Wanker!
Just picture everybody naked.
Especially that one over there.
- Shrivelled yam bag.
- [Archie laughs]
[laughter in crowd]
- [boy 1] Don't give him the mic!
- [girl 1] What are you doing?
- [boy 2] You suck!
- [booing]
[girl 2] Get him off!
[girl 3]
Get off the fucking stage!
- [boy 3] Bell-end!
- [jeering continues]
- Happy graduation, honey!
- [laughs]
[crowd gasps]
- [laughter]
- [girl 4] Get off.
[girl 5] You're up there,
come on, at least say something.
[girl 6] Go home, loser!
- My name is...
- Cakeface Boy!
[laughter]
[booing and shouting]
[boy 3]
Get off the stage, four eyes!
- [crowd chants] Off! Off! Off!
- [groans]
[laughter]
[jeering continues]
For as long as I can remember...
I've been fascinated
by the night sky.
[boy] Who cares?
Home to over
200 billion trillion stars.
And much like our universe, we
were all born after a big bang.
- Oh. Amen.
- [laughter]
And just like the stars, we're
all unique in our own ways.
Billy.
You're a solar-type star,
just like Alpha Centauri.
You'll burn so bright
that we can all see you,
a gravitational pull so large
that others are drawn
towards it.
[boy] That's our Billy!
We have hot blue stars
that are naturally so beautiful.
We have super giant stars
and so many more.
And, all of you,
you're all your own stars.
I'm a binary star.
A star system consisting of two
stars orbiting a common centre.
The B star, me,
it shines less bright,
but its counterpart...
the primary star,
it burns much brighter.
Much hotter.
And I almost destroyed
my counterpart.
My star.
Never again will I lose sight
of its brilliance.
Never again will I be so stupid
or so selfish or so...
scared.
Milly.
I will never again stand
in the way of what you want
or what makes you happy.
And I'm truly sorry that I have
kept something from you
for as long as I can remember.
And I can blame it on
the universe as much as I want,
but the truth is...
I've been a coward.
Until now.
Amelia Elizabeth Brown...
[chuckles]
I love you more than I have
ever found a way to say.
I love you more
than I did yesterday,
and I will love you
more tomorrow.
I love you more than the
universe, more than the stars...
Just shut up.
And kiss me.
This wasn't how
it's supposed to go
I should be the one
you're dancing with...
Any childhood loves
I should know about?
- Charles Dickens.
- Everybody at my fingertips
- He's dead, right?
- Ninth of June, 1870.
And, baby,
you were meant to follow me
And I was gonna
act surprised
-Even though I'd know you...
-Wanna dance?
It's not like
I've been crying
No
There's just smoke
in my eyes
Cos this ain't no
John Hughes movie
Where the girl gets the guy
You look right through me
every time you walk by
I keep waiting for
the heartbreak music
That's never gonna come
Cos if you don't want me
Then you're not the one
Sitting on a bathroom floor
Trying to get
my composure back
Think I built it up too tall
Knew I should've worn
my Adidas
It's not like
I've been crying, no
There's just smoke
in my eyes
Cos this ain't no
John Hughes movie
Where the girl gets the guy
You look right through me
every time you walk by
I keep waiting for
the heartbreak music
That's never gonna come
Cos if you don't want me
Then you're not the one
[phone line rings]
Hello?
Yes, hello.
Is this the Love Doctor?
["Tongue Tied" by Grouplove
]
Take me to
your best friend's house
Going round this roundabout,
oh, yeah
Take me to
your best friend's house
I loved you then
and I love you now, oh, yeah
Don't take me tongue-tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't...
Break
Take me to
your best friend's house
Marmalade,
we're making out, oh, yeah
Take me to
your best friend's house
I loved you then
and I love you now
Don't take me tongue-tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't...
Break
One, two, three, four
Don't leave me tongue-tied,
let's stay up all night
I'll get real high,
slumber party, pillow fight
My eyes on your eyes
like Peter Pan up in the sky
My best friend's
house tonight
Let's bump the beats
till beddy-bye
Don't take me tongue-tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't take me tongue-tied
Don't kiss me goodnight
Don't...
Take me to
your best friend's house
Going round this roundabout,
oh, yeah
Take me to
your best friend's house
I loved you then
and I love you now
Don't leave me tongue-tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't leave me tongue-tied
Don't...
Don't leave me tongue-tied
Don't wave no goodbye
Don't leave me tongue-tied
Don't...
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah