How to Have Sex (2023) Movie Script

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Heraklion.
The local time is 3 am, and
the temperature is 28 degrees Celsius.
Please remain in your seats
until the aircraft
has come to a complete standstill
and the captain has switched off
the "fasten seat belt" sign.
Please take care
when opening the overhead bins
as items may have been
dislodged during the flight.
We thank you for flying with us today
and look forward to
seeing you again soon.
Please check with ground staff
for connecting flights
or further travel
to your final destination.
Say uh, ah, Malia!
Say uh, ah, Malia!
I'll tell you why I'm so tired.
- That would be you, Em.
- Why?
What do you mean, "why"? What about
when she was booking the holiday?
You did no work.
All this "I'm exhausted."
I woke up to 20 messages from you.
"We have to be there four hours before!"
If it wasn't for me,
would you be here?
Would you be here?
Ah! We're in Malia, babe! Baby!
It's kinda cold.
I'm going in! Come on!
Oh, she's in! She's in! She's in!
I don't think we should do this.
I don't think it's supposed
to be this cold.
You'll get used to it.
Oh my God, oh my God
When I see you I should run
I'm saying things I've never said
Doing things I've never done
I fucking love you guys.
- I fucking love you guys!
- Best holiday ever!
Oh, no, look at my fags!
I'll get them, I'll get them!
No! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.
It's so cold.
What the fuck?
Ah, fuck's sake!
Set me a fag. Mine are fucked.
I swear my mum would've called
on the plane if she could have.
I'm not sure
Mum's even clocked we've left.
This is all we have
between all of us?
- Yeah, just one.
- This is it to get dry?
- Guys, I'm fucking starving.
- I swear you're always hungry.
Why is the sea so cold?
You know we still got
loads of time to kill?
Do you wanna get chips?
- Yes, 100%.
- Chips! Chips! Chips!
- I want a big fucking big portion.
- Large! Large, large, extra-large.
Oh, excuse me.
Sorry, um...
I was just wondering if maybe
we could have a room with, like, a...
like, a pool view?
Pool view?
No, no, no.
All gone. I'm sorry.
OK. Um...
I tried.
Apparently, they're all gone.
- Hi.
- Um, my name's Tara.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Um, so, the thing is...
I just spat, sorry.
Um, the thing is,
we're going to need pool view,
because... see our friend Skye there?
She can't swim very well,
so we need to, like,
keep eyes on her at all times.
- Like, we have to see her.
- We can be lifeguards.
We can just dive in
if anything happens.
We're excellent swimmers,
like, really good.
- Save you guys the trouble.
- I actually swim for the county.
We were hoping
we could use this holiday
to help teach her...
to doggy-paddle.
- All right, all right.
- Thanks.
Oh, my God! This is insane!
Oh, my God!
Look at this swan!
- I fucking love the curtains.
- He left us swans.
- Taz...
- Oh, babe, stunning!
Outfit number one sorted!
Outfit number...
Oh, there's butterflies
everywhere as well!
Um... Skye! What are you doing?
What are you doing?
- Deep-fried fags.
- You're a nutter!
- But I will have one, thank you. OK.
- They are already dry.
- We got our own fridge!
- Fucking luxury.
This room is huge!
Like, a whole room.
Where? Let's see.
Ey! Pool view!
Let me see!
Best view I've ever seen in my life!
Ooh! Whoo!
Sorry about that,
but I needed my doughnut.
And... breakfast!
Dinner one!
- Shit! Sorry.
- Can you not?
Oi, whoever gets laid the most wins this.
Apple punch for sex?
- No. No, no, no.
- Actually...
Titty glasses.
What do we get if we're sick the most?
Um, nothing,
because we're not
going to plan for that, you nutter.
All right. All right.
Bonus prize.
Party girl!
Guys, I've been thinking,
whoever's getting laid the most,
they should kinda get the main room.
And everyone else
just kinda sleep where they land.
Me, I'm going to be refraining
from sleep this holiday.
Don't lie! You're going to be, like,
asleep in the club.
Oi, you look beaut!
Come here, try this.
You should just go out like that.
Like this?
You look banging
no matter what you wear.
Can I borrow some of that lip gloss?
Yeah, let me do it for you.
Look at you.
If you don't get laid on this holiday
then you never will.
No, I can't die a virgin!
Wait, wait, wait, we're not ready.
Oi! Oi!
Whereabouts you all from?
We don't have any change.
What, am I homeless or something?
Call me
Call me by my name
Or call me by my number
You put me through it
I'll still be doing it the way I do it
And yet, you try to make me forget
Who I really am
I am the one and only
...all this time
I've tried to walk with dignity...
Oh, my God!
Not like that! Give it here!
Oh, oh.
- I'm too thirsty. Hmm.
- Tara.
I'm going to be sick.
Night one in the Big Brother house,
Em is sick.
Fuck! She's actually going to be sick.
Hold the microphone.
I am the one and only
Can we have three more shots, please?
I love you, Taz.
I love you, too.
Besties for life, yeah?
I've just been to the bar and got shots.
Check it out.
No, no, no.
Oi, what happens
if I fail every exam?
Fuck school!
Let's all just find jobs together.
You're fucking smart.
I'm actually going to fail.
Taz, even if you failed everything,
you could talk your way in.
- Tara!
- I need a wee.
Chips are technically vegetables,
aren't they?
Skye, is it my night to throw up yet?
You already threw up.
Don't laugh at me!
What happens if I go to this good school
and then no one even likes me
when I get there?
Oh, Em, that's silly.
Don't think like that.
No one likes you anyway.
Why do you think
we ended up with you?
- I'm joking.
- Here come on babe! Babe, babe! Babe!
It's, like, a win-win situation.
Either you fail
and you stay with us wasters,
- or...
- I don't wanna fail!
Or you get in and then you're really rich
and you can bring us
on holiday every year.
Vets aren't rich.
They don't have loads
and loads of money.
Yeah, but you're just, like,
really smart. You always have been.
I can't even do a backflip.
Thing is, I don't know what I wanna do.
- I think...
- I wanna do a backflip.
I think maybe I'll just do business,
'cause everything is business now.
Every day, like, just all the time.
We got to go
into business together.
I heard that as well.
Oh, my God!
These cheesy chips, man!
- What?
- Ow!
Oi, I am actually going to
open my own restaurant
and just serve cheesy chips.
Oi, you can come and work for me
while Em fucks off to finish school.
I'll come.
I'll go every single day.
- I think...
- I'll come three times.
- I think we should...
- Breakfast and dinner.
I think we should go to bed now.
All I need to do to go to good school
is if I get lots of As. Say As in...
- Shut up! You're stressing me out.
- Oi! The thing is, though...
- that...
- I'll hold it in that hand. that you two are actually
my best mates.
- Gang, gang, gang.
- Gang, gang, gang.
All right? I'm Paige.
Nice to meet you, ladies.
- My name's Paddy.
- Nice to meet you.
Oi, I thought you left me for dead
with this clown.
You know, I love youse a lot,
but none of us are going to get laid
if we just hang out with each other.
Last night was a disaster.
Come on, then.
Everyone in the entire hotel
must be having a shower right now.
Oi, Taz, you should wear this.
You'd look so sexy in it.
Don't you think, Em?
I don't know,
looks mad uncomfortable to me.
Skye, is this yours?
- Yeah, why?
- Can I borrow it?
Do you know
what you're doing with it?
- Yeah, it's just...
- Come on, I'll show you.
No my, my robot
is actually sick, though.
Oh, my God!
You look insane! What the fuck?
Yeah, OK, I kinda get,
you look incredible.
- Ah, she's ready to go out!
- Whoo!
Oi, smoke show!
I know you can hear me.
I can see you smiling.
You lot going out later?
You should come round here for pres.
Yeah, I can ask the girls.
Fucking hell!
Talk about selective hearing.
What's your name?
That's a nice name, innit?
I'm Badger.
That's a bit of a weird name, innit?
It's my nickname.
Who's this?
Romeo, Romeo, where is you? Yeah.
Room 341, yeah?
All right, easy, Tiger.
We only just met.
- Oi, no, what the fuck is that?
- What?
- Who's done that?
- I did it.
They're fucking ridiculous,
like two massive slugs on your face.
Wait, how old
do you think they are, though?
Oi, guys, remember your phone
and keys and money.
I think, maybe, like, 19, 21.
Yeah, so, what are we going to say?
We're, like, 18?
You guys just going to fall in love
and leave me to it again?
I think, like, 18,
just finished college, yeah?
- Yeah, obviously I drive a BMW.
- Ha! You wish!
- All right, come on, Taz!
- I think I'm doing a degree
to be the next Prime Minister.
Bro, if you can tell me
who the current Prime Minister is,
then I'll consider
you taking his job, yeah?
Go on.
All right, for fuck's sake,
just come on! Shut up!
Does this actually look all right?
- Mad uncomfortable, innit?
- Yeah.
You look fit as fuck, though!
- So do you, mate.
- Quick.
- Taz, your phone, I said!
- Yeah, give it, then.
- I need my bag.
- Keys!
Taz, you have got
to sort those eyebrows out.
Paddy, your go.
Nah, it's Paige's go.
Never have I ever crashed a quad
into a parked car.
Badger this morning
still pissed out his head.
I'm usually a sick driver.
I fucking drive vans for a living.
It's me job.
You don't crash them into parked cars
at work, though, do you?
Never have I ever had a threesome.
- Get shots out.
- Yeah, let's get some shots.
There's one.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Spin, spin.
Faster, faster, faster, go on.
Three, two, one...
Stop! Stop!
Oi, no, spillage is lickage, it's fine.
- Go on, Em!
- That is disgusting.
What you doing?
- No, no, no, no...
- Yeah!
I saw that. That was cheating.
Do you know where the vet's are?
'Cause I got two swans that are sick.
Never have I ever had sex.
Fucking hell!
Come off it, we're not 12.
Never have I ever slept
with two birds in one night.
I'm not drinking that
'cause I'm a fucking saint.
- Oi.
- Chill out.
What happens on holiday
stays on holiday!
- What are you doing?
- I was only joking, babe.
I wasn't going to call you out, obviously.
Yeah, sure!
No one cares if you're a virgin,
it's very chill.
So, why are you bringing it up, then?
'Cause it's funny.
It's not funny.
Skye, it's not funny.
Got a drink?
Paddy is fit, though!
You should try it with him.
Or I might.
Oi, matchy-matchy, night bossman.
Top graft on these lot,
they're about as cool as your sister.
Chill out, mush,
we're on holiday!
What's the matter?
Did you hear?
They're talking about us.
We need to, like,
not let on our age at all.
- To them.
- Yeah.
Ooh, I miss my BMW so much!
Listen. Listen.
Do you think Paige is gay?
Are you joking?
- J... I don't know.
- Are you joking?
- Are you telling a joke?
- Let's hope she's gay.
Of course she's gay.
I saved that!
- Tipped it straight over.
- Don't lie. That went right in.
- Fuck off!
- That's cheating.
- Right, come on.
- Look at you sat down.
- Come on.
- No!
What the fuck!
Let's go.
Come on, get it down you.
Come on Badger.
Uh, ah, Malia!
Oi! Paddy! Move.
I'm in a bad way!
...two, three!
Feeling any better?
I think I can help.
So, I sold my hoover
the other day, yeah?
'Cause all it was doing
was collecting dust.
Think! I got more, I got more.
What is the difference
between a plum and a rabbit?
I don't know.
One is purple, and one isn't...
- Oh, wait! No, I got it wrong.
- Oh!
I got it wrong.
No, no, no...
You're good.
I don't think you've got
anything else left, to be honest.
Why... Why do you never see
pigs hiding in trees?
'Cause they're pretty good at it.
Oi, what's that?
Nah! Nah...!
You little cheating bastard.
No, that's a classic one.
I'm going, I'm going.
Come on, girls.
Up you get, you beautiful lot.
Buses for Crush in five. Let's go.
Oi! Hurry up! Crush is happening!
Let's go!
See you at gate in five!
Surely, we have more
than five minutes, no?
Why are we doing this to ourselves?
No, if it's started,
we got to get a move on.
We can be a bit late.
Oh, my God.
- Come on.
- Look at the state of him.
See you in a bit, yeah?
Come Badger.
I didn't bring any.
Oi! Put this on.
What did he just say?
He's so fit.
Everything hurts.
I think that with this...
- Skye, how does this work?
- Underneath.
You need to cover your bits.
I swear to God,
you guys need to get some life!
The only way through this for me
is with another drink.
- No!
- What's that called? Dog of hair?
- Dog of hair!
- Hair of dog.
- That's a thing.
- Yeah, my mum does it all the time.
See? It's proper.
I'm not fucking dressing you.
I'm not your mum.
- Thanks, mum.
- Where's the hair straighteners?
No, wait, Skye,
I need something else on with it.
- What? What?
- It's see-through.
It's not that see-through!
In the water it will be.
I thought this is a pool party.
Right come on orange!
Come on, that's it.
Come on, girls!
Let's get it down you!
Use those double-Ds!
How are they not choking on that?
That's it, girls!
Double-Ds, babes!
We have a winner!
Well done, babes.
Well done Sir, that's fantastic.
One more girl! Anyone!
- Taz! Taz!
- No, Skye.
We've got one here! Taz!
In the green, yeah? Come on!
Come on, baby girl,
you got this one, you got this!
One brave boy to play the game.
Hey, here we go.
Look at him, he's eager.
- You all right, bruv? Ready?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Right, up there you pop.
Go on, son.
Go on, Taz. Whoo!
- Oh!
- Hello, little flower.
How are you?
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- Who've we got?
- I'm Tara.
Hello, Tara!
You know what this kind of game is?
- I guess so.
- It's a bit naughty. Are you sure?
All right, he's got a big fake willy,
that looks like a beer,
and you're going to drink it.
Right, ready?
Beer in the mouth, blowjob-style.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
That's it, that's it!
Go on, get back in there!
That's it! Not in her eyes.
That's it. More, more, more, more.
Go on, keep going. Push it. Push it!
Put your back into it, mate.
That's it, that's it, that's it!
Keep going, keep going!
Get in there!
That's it, that's it, that's it!
Come on, open your mouth more,
Jesus Christ!
No boy's going to be happy with you!
Tragic. I love you though.
Yeah, I'm not good at that game.
I dunno, you look pretty good to me.
- Come on, guys! All right!
- Another one?
- That's enough.
- That's enough.
Off, off! You lost.
You lost, girl!
You can cuddle
in your own time.
- Right, we need another boy!
- One more boy, please.
Come on!
You had a good time, yeah?
Let me see those hands up! Yeah?
If you've got a drink in your hands,
down it!
Go! Now! Go, go, go! Down it!
Beautiful, I like that.
Who else is fucked?
Where are you?
Wait, it's fine.
It's still fine. It still works.
No, no! Stop it!
Aah, get off me.
Don't you think he's kinda fit, yeah?
I mean, he's a complete clown, no?
No, but a sexy clown.
Come on, I think he's proper jokes.
Nah, he's butters.
You can do much better.
Come on.
Yes, Malia! Yes!
What you telling me, guys,
you had a good night, yeah?
We're about to get you lot
so fucking horny.
So fucking ready!
Let's have it.
Let's fucking have it Malia!
Come one guys.
Sorry, I just stepped on you.
We're drunk.
We're fucking drunk.
OK, we're going to play a game.
We're going to play a last game.
Final game of the night, yeah?
- It's a mad one.
- It's a big one.
You got to give it your all, okay?
What do we need?
- You going to do it?
- If you do it with me.
Yeah, OK.
OK, let's do this...
Come on.
One more, right?
It's the fucking final, guys.
Get your game faces on.
Stretch it out! Ready?
We need two boys
up on this stage now.
Get me two boys!
- Who've we got? Hands up!
- So many hands!
I can't hear you.
Who's wants it?
Oi, oi, look who it is.
Yes, let's have our loser from
earlier back, come on, in the blue.
Let's get you up.
Prove yourself this time.
Let's go!
- Who we got here?
- Up you get, up you get, up you get!
Over here we got Badger!
Badger! Badger! Badger!
What's your name, boy?
My name's Tom
and I'm from fucking London!
Tom from fucking London, yeah!
We love a Londoner!
Oi! Now, listen up,
the game we are playing
is these two lovely boys have got
to get fucking hard, all right?
- We need some girls!
- We need some fucking girls.
- Come on...
- Oh, no.
Oh, this one's a lucky boy, eh?
Three girls over here.
That's it, over here! That's it.
That is amazing technique.
How are you not hard?
Ooh, Jesus Christ, she's gagging.
Come on, Badger,
go to your happy place, mate.
Go on, girls! That's it!
That's it! Oh, my God!
Yeah! My fucking boy!
Let's go, darling.
Go on, deep-throat him.
Yes! Yes!
What are we saying?
What are we fucking saying?
Yes, yes, yes! He's hard!
Badger is hard!
Is that bed free yet?
Yeah, mate.
Go on.
And take the pan with you, innit?
Oh fuck!
You've got a big smirk on your face.
Have you got something to tell us?
Go on!
Go on, get in there!
He just got a second.
Please, Badger.
I wondered when youse lot would surface.
Not feeling too good, lass?
Get some brekkie down ya,
round two starting soon.
Fucking hell, you're really in
for the worst, aren't you?
I thought you southern fairies knew
how to party, you fucking jokers.
Don't feel very jokes right now.
Gorgeous, pet!
Why so early?
I don't remember anything at all.
Is Taz at theirs?
Must be.
Eating's cheating, babe.
Oh, my God, please stop.
You're going to make me sick again.
What, you want some?
Oi, do us a favour
and wake Tara up.
Me and her have got
some unfinished business.
We all know how you finish
your business now, Badger.
You lot up for pool?
- Yeah.
- Em?
- Yeah.
- Worst bit is, yeah,
I've got no memory of it.
Probably the greatest thing to ever
happen to me in my whole entire life.
No memory.
That was the best thing?
them girls feel the same.
Yeah, I hope
they don't remember it either.
Your life sounds proper shit.
Oi! Last night
were crazy, you know?
Taz, come out here! Mush!
Stop screaming, you lunatic.
Well, if you won't get her
out here...
She's with you, no?
Yeah! Ain't she at yours?
No, why would she be here?
Well, she came back with you.
She not at yours?
He's joking about.
Just bring her out.
On my Mum's life, I'm not joking.
Check your phone.
She would've said something.
This is typical Tara behaviour.
She's always on one.
See, last seen in the apartment, now.
I guess girl got laid.
What she doing
leaving her phone here?
- Why are you being weird?
- I'm not.
- Oi, just look proper, yeah?
- Yeah, check.
Mate, I'd know if she came here.
She's definitely still on it.
I don't like it.
Just chill out.
It's nothing major, is it?
Just fucking stop panicking.
Should have moved quicker, bro.
Don't you get jealous, you.
It doesn't suit you.
What are you trying to get at?
Where is she, then?
- You chat shit.
- I don't know.
I can't just sit here.
I'm going to talk to reception, okay?
See you down the pool, yeah?
Come on, boys, let's go.
Badger, you coming?
Do you want to come and chill here?
I'm so proud of Tara, man.
I bet she's finally...
She's wanted to for so long.
What are you on about?
She's a massive virgin, mate.
Do you think she's all right?
Mate, she's having
the time of her life.
Are you jealous?
No, it's...
it's not that, it's just...
Well, we could go looking for her.
Yeah, maybe that's a good idea.
Ho, ho, this one's a lucky boy, eh?
Let's go darling!
Go on, deep throat him.
Jesus Christ, she's gagging.
Hi darling.
All right, you?
- Paddy!
- What are you doing?
Um... not going home.
Is it past your bedtime already?
Where's everyone else?
Still going, I think.
Yeah? Oh, come on,
you can't go to bed.
Me and you are always
last ones standing.
You're not going leave me
on my own, are you?
We go to beach?
Come on! I know you want to.
Come on!
- Sit there.
- Here?
You don't fancy the strip, then, no?
- No.
- Why?
I don't know.
Don't you think it's mad how, like,
sand just gets everywhere?
No, we're on a beach.
What are you on about?
Yeah but, it just gets everywhere.
I've not noticed it before,
but you're proper beautiful, you know?
Some kind of compliment
in there somewhere.
You're into our lad, though,
aren't you?
So, what are you into, then?
Pasta and cheesy chips.
You're fucking jokes, you!
Oi, let's go skinny dipping.
- No.
- Why?
- 'Cause it's so cold.
- Come on! Come on!
Paddy, no! No!
Paddy, no! I don't want to!
Put me down!
Paddy! No!
No! Put me down!
- It's all right once you're in it!
- It's not, alright at all Paddy.
It's fucking freezing!
Come here.
Come here.
You're going to lose all your teeth.
Come here.
What you laughing at?
Paddy, stop!
- What?
- Stop.
All right, I won't touch you.
- Come here.
- What?
I'm cold!
I think it's a bit unfair how it don't
work both ways, though, really.
I'm cold.
Come on, then.
Weren't me, boss!
I can't help it when it's wiggling
in front of me like that, can I?
What are you so uptight for?
I'm not.
I thought you were the fun one.
- Are you cold?
- Yes.
Come on.
Wet clothes make you colder.
Chill out, it's not like
I'm asking you to marry me, is it?
What do you mean,
this isn't the wedding?
What's your name?
What's yours?
I'm Fi.
- Oi, you lot, this is Tara.
- Tara!
Are you okay?
Yeah, sorry.
Where's your mates at?
We got split up.
Do you want to come back?
Yeah? Come on.
Right, oi, wait! Hold!
One, two... right!
Let's go. Party back at our place!
Tara! Tara! Tara!
Three, two, one!
That was stunning!
You can sleep on the sofa,
I can go in with Josh.
No, no, no.
I'm just going to have a quick nap,
and then, then I'll be fine.
- That's not happening.
- It's fine.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So, like, are you and Josh
together, like?
No, no, no, no, we're, like,
we're, like, basically family.
- No, right, come on, seriously, in!
- No!
- Yes!
- This is comfy!
Well, at least just stay inside.
Everyone's, like, proper sound.
No, I know, everyone is so nice,
but I'm... this is good for me.
All right, fine. Okay, but you know
where we are if you need us.
Thank you.
- Night!
- Good night.
Guess who's back!
- Tara!
- I fucking told you lot.
Right, right, right.
That's one that you've won.
Yeah, alright...
You must have...
Come on, details!
You were going to say?
It was a sick night.
So, did you and Paige...?
No, we were going to
this afternoon, but...
I don't know, I think...
I think she's kind of nervous,
you know?
Don't change the subject.
Where've you been?
You know, I was really freaking out.
And, what,
you left your phone here, too.
I, I slept with Paddy.
No fucking way!
When? How did that happen?
On the beach.
Oh, on the beach!
Sounds really romantic.
Was it good?
And then I met
these absolute legends in a club,
danced for hours,
and then went back to their villa.
And it was really mental,
but they were really cool, so...
I was there all night.
So, what did I miss?
Who was it?
Oh, you're proper sneaky,
you know?
All of this,
we got to stick together,
have each other's back,
Runs off, has sex and gets new mates.
Who was it?
Oh my God!
Holiday romance brewing!
Don't you think it's weird that
he hasn't said anything to youse?
I mean,
it'll defo happen again, won't it?
Hey, come on.
Let's get back into it.
There's much to be celebrating,
ain't there?
Get some more shots in!
You run out of shots?
- All right, shots!
- Yeah, shots, shots!
To Taz, the fucking legend!
Round four, let's go!
- Thank you.
- Ugh!
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Right! I'll see you lot later.
White Party.
- We'll have pres here.
- Yeah.
Last night was very jokes.
Oi, Taz.
Do you think you're going to sleep
with Paddy again tonight?
Mm, no.
Guys, Mum's just text.
The results,
apparently they've got them.
Oh my God.
- I don't think I can look.
- I'm going to shower.
You not going to look?
No, I know that I fucked it.
Yeah, me too.
She said I did it.
Oh my God, yes mate,
I knew you'd smash it!
Look, you can always retake, okay?
Just don't worry about it for now.
Just have a good time,
and we'll talk about it
when you're home, okay?
We love you.
Guys, I'm a fucking genius.
Yes, you are, bitch!
- Taz, get the door.
- Taz, go get the door.
- I've only got one eyelash on.
- Police! Open up!
Ah! We got you there!
Yo, we met these down at t' pool.
Hope you don't mind.
No, the more the merrier.
Do youse want a drink?
- A shot? Well how many you got?
- Yeah.
- Wait, what's your name?
- I'm Gemma.
- Gemma.
- Leah.
Gemma, Leah,
I'm Skye, this is Em.
- Tara.
- Em, send me a cup!
- Catch.
- Fucking hell. Sorry, love.
I know what a Libra looks like
Where's them balloons then?
Yeah, come on,
let's go out for a fag.
It's too warm in here.
- Oh.
- Take one of them.
And you. Oi.
You good?
Imagine, yeah,
this genius got ten As!
Let's get fucked up!
Oi, shut up!
You did so fucking well.
- So well!
- Wait, you looked?
Yeah. Taz, I persuaded her, innit?
I thought you said
you weren't going to check results.
She might even be able
to come with me next year.
Don't be sad, Taz.
Whatever you do,
you're going to be great.
When are we going?
- Are we going soon?
- Come on, Taz.
Oh, it's going be so fun.
White Party!
We got to keep an eye on Em tonight.
She's already looking fucked.
We're not going to babysit her, though.
Like, it's results night,
she's worked for it.
Pretty sure you don't need ten As
to open a restaurant anyway.
I'll get you on front desk.
What restaurant have you been to
what has a front desk?
Two coats? Any bags?
Yeah, that's four pounds!
That's not front desk,
that's a cloakroom!
I'm not going to be working
on a cloakroom.
Yeah, I'm not sure you've got
much choice at this point.
Nah, come on.
I'm joking.
I would be kinda jokes
in a cloakroom, though.
So what, is Paddy good, then?
Yeah, I guess.
Like, he knew
what he was doing, innit?
Yeah, he looks like it.
Did he, like...
pick you up and throw you
about and that?
Kind of.
Like, he's strong.
Then you should deffo go
for round two with him.
- That's yours.
- Thanks.
All right, you two,
save it for the bedroom.
You all right?
Yeah, you all right?
Sorry about last night.
I was trashed.
What do you mean?
It's fine.
Fucking, yeah...
It's giving me a migraine.
Come on then, let's have a shot.
No, I don't want vodka,
I just want a shot. Go on.
Oi oi!
Where the fuck
have you been all night?
We're going skinny dipping.
At the hotel?
No, at the beach.
I'm good.
Come on! It's your last night here.
Stop being a little weirdo.
I don't wanna get sand everywhere.
It's just fucking sand!
I'm all right.
Stop being a freak, Taz.
Tara come on, I'm only joking.
Oi, come Badger.
No. I'd better walk her back.
Oh ho!
What you doing, bro?
Going down t' beach?
Everyone's there.
Yeah, of course.
Come on. Paddy's coming.
She loves it on t' beach, her.
I'll come and find you later on.
Do you want a drink?
Yeah, sure.
What would you rather be,
a baby goat or a mata baby?
What's a mata baby?
I don't know baby,
what's the matter with you?
Do you want any sugar?
- Party! Party! Party!
- Taz! Taz!
Where were you?
We missed you, mate.
- Come on, gorgeous!
- Party! Party! Party! Party!
- What time is it?
- We didn't come here to sleep.
We bought you a present.
- Got a dead weight!
- Sort her out.
Wake up, you lazybones.
- You're not even asleep.
- Come on!
- What's the matter with you?
- Party! Party! Party!
- Oi, Badger, where's the fags?
- Get up! Stop being lazy.
I just want to say...
last night were amazing.
I'm asleep.
I just came to say hi.
What are you doing?
Sleeping here.
Did you not like it?
Yo, I've got a drink
for you here, bro.
I'm all right, me, bro.
I'm good. I'm going to go to bed, me,
I'm pretty tired.
I'm a taken man now, aren't I?
What are you wearing?
Get these off you, you'll be red hot.
Everyone's here, Paddy,
and I'm asleep.
All right, all right.
Yeah, Em?
Love you.
I love you, too, mate.
You all right?
I am,
but I'm a bit pissed, though, mate.
I think I'm really going to
miss you next year.
Are we still going to hang out?
Yeah, mate, we will.
We'll be best friends for life.
Don't move. Let me do it.
Am I too fast?
You like it fast, don't you?
My neck is killing me...
Let us in the bed, for fuck's sake.
That floor is fucking rough,
mate, my neck's fucked.
Told you you would.
I love you, mate.
Best holiday ever.
Probably won't go out tonight.
Went a bit hard, innit?
You can't pretend you can't hear me.
I made it onto your balcony now.
Yeah, sorry, I'm just tired.
Wake up legends!
Mission complete! On t' next one!
Fucking what round is it?
Morning, gorgeous. All right?
What you saying?
Nothing, I'm chilling, bro.
Fucking hell! Good chat lads!
He's a nightmare of a guy.
I've known him since I were little.
His mum and my mum,
they're best mates.
And we live on the same street.
That's nice.
See you back home.
Yeah, we'll come down.
It'll be well jokes.
Yeah, or we'll come up.
See how you northern lot do it.
Anyway, we're all
coming back next year.
Same time, same place, no excuses.
Yeah, no excuses.
No early bedtimes either, Taz.
Call her, then, innit.
Make sure you text me
when you get home.
You gave Paddy your number, yeah?
See you later.
- Bye.
- See ya.
See you gorgeous!
Uh, I'm going to get
some munch from here.
What do youse want?
- Chips if they have them.
- Yeah, chips also.
Give us all the details then.
There's not really anything to add to it.
I reckon we'll come back next year.
Oi, you did it again last night, innit?
I swear!
Oh, was it better
the second time, yeah?
Why are you being sheepish?
Come on, give us the details.
It didn't count.
It weren't really proper.
- How can it not be proper?
- Here.
What are you pair saying?
Just saying about last night.
Taz is saying it didn't count.
He's fit.
In my opinion, anyway.
I would have.
Yeah, he is fit.
Who'd have thought
you two would get laid the most?
Yeah, I don't know, he's just...
a weird guy, innit?
What do you mean,
he's a weird guy?
Forget him!
We're going out
as soon as we get home, yeah?
We got local man to get on, now!
Huh! Fuck Paddy, man!
You can do so much better.
I like, I was...
asleep, so...
Are you saying...?
What, Taz, was he like that
with you both nights?
It's fine.
You should've said something, like.
I didn't clock, I...
No, you're right, I should've,
I should've said something.
It's fine.
No, it's not.
We should buy stuff here.
It's much cheaper.
I didn't even get a tattoo
or anything on this holiday.
You were busy.
Oi, smell that.
- It's banging, that.
- Mm.
- London, Luton.
- Yeah.
Fuck! You guys know
this is our plane boarding, innit?
Come on!
...the gate will be closing
in five minutes. Final call...
Go! Go! Go! Go...
We got this.
We're coming home!