Hudsucker Proxy, The (1994) Movie Script
[Moses] That's right.
New York. It's 1958.
Anyway, for a few more minutes it is.
Come midnight, it's gonna be 1959.
A whole other feeling. The New Year.
The future.
Yeah, old Daddy Earth's fixin'
to start one more trip round the sun.
Everybody hopin' this ride-around
be a little more giddy,
a little more gay.
Yep, all over town,
champagne corks is a-poppin'.
Over in the Waldorf, the big shots is
dancin' to the strains of Guy Lombardo.
Down in Times Square,
the little folks is a-watchin'
and waitin'for that big ball to drop.
They're all trying to catch hold
of one moment in time,
to be able to say,
"Right now, this is it, I got it."
Of course by then, it'll be past.
But they're all happy.
Everybody havin'a good time.
Well, almost everybody.
There's a few lost souls
floatin'around out there.
Now, if y'all ain't from the city,
we got somethin'here
called the rat race.
Got a way of chewin'folks up
so that they don't want no celebratin'.
Don't want no cheerin' up,
don't care nothin'about no New Years.
Out of hope, out of rope, out of time.
This here's Norville Barnes.
That office he's steppin'out of
is the office of the president
of Hudsucker Industries.
It's his office.
How'd he get so high?
And why's he feelin'so low?
Is he really gonna do it?
Is Norville really gonna
jelly-up the sidewalk?
Well, the future, that's somethin'
you can't never tell about.
But the past...
That's another story.
[Clock chimes]
[Buzzer]
[Executive]... no signs of weakening.
We're up 18%% %
over last year's third quarter gross
and that, needless to say,
is a new record.
Our competition continues to flag
and we continue to take up the slack.
Market share in most divisions
is increasing
and we have opened
seven new regional offices.
Our international division is showing
vigorous signs of upward movement,
and we're looking at
some exciting things in R&D.
[Door bell]
[Gust of wind]
Sub-franchising.
Don't talk to me about sub-franchising.
We're making so much money
in sub-franchising, it isn't even funny.
Our nominees and assigns
continue to multiply and expand,
extending our influence
nationally and abroad.
Our owned-and-operateds are performing
far beyond our expectations,
and the Federal Tax Act of 1958
is giving us a swell write-off...
[gust of wind]
[Muffled voice of executive]
...and our last debenture issue
was this year's fastest seller.
So, third quarter and year to date,
we have set a new record in sales,
a new record in gross,
a new record in pre-tax earnings,
a new record in after-tax profits,
and our stock has split twice
in the past year.
- In short...
- [watch winds]
...we're loaded.
- [Executives chuckle]
[Clears throat]
[Watch ticks]
Mr Hudsucker?
[Car horn]
[Car horn]
[Clock chimes, breaking glass]
[Screams]
- [Splat]
- [Screams]
[Clock chimes]
[Distant siren]
It's a pity to waste
a whole Montecristo.
- He could have opened the window.
- He never did anything the easy way.
But why did he do it?
Everything was going so well.
What am I, a headshrinker?
Maybe he was unhappy.
- He didn't look unhappy.
- Or rich.
Waring Hudsucker was never
an easy man to figure out.
He built this company
with his bare hands.
Every step he took was a step up.
- Except, of course, his last one.
- Sure, he was a swell fella.
But when the president, chairman
and owner of 87%% % of the stock
drops 44 floors...
- 45.
- Oounting the mezzanine.
...then the company, too,
has a problem. Stillson...
What exactly is the disposition
of Waring's stock?
As you know,
Hud left no will and had no family.
The company by-laws are quite clear.
His entire portfolio
will be converted into common stock
and sold as of the first
of the fiscal year following his demise.
- Meaning?
- Oontrol of the company
will be made available
to the public January 1st.
You mean any slob in a smelly t-shirt
will be able to buy Hudsucker stock?
- The company by-laws are quite clear.
- My God! You're animals!
[Sobs] How can you discuss stock
when the man has just leapt 45 floors?
- 44.
- Not counting the mezzanine.
Quit showboating, the man has gone.
The question is whether we're gonna let
John Q Public buy our company.
What are you suggesting, Sidney?
We can't afford
to buy a controlling interest.
Not while the stock is this strong.
How soon before
Hud's paper hits the market?
- January 1st.
- 30 days.
- Four weeks.
- Month at the most.
One month to make
the investment of the century
look like a ticket on the Titanic.
- We play up the fact that Hud is dead.
- Long live the Hud!
- We depress the stock.
- So we can buy 50%%% .
- 51.
- Not counting the mezzanine.
- It could work.
- It should work.
It's working already.
Waring Hudsucker
is abstract art on Madison Avenue.
What we need now is a president
who'll inspire panic in the stockholder.
- A puppet.
- A proxy.
- [Executive] A pawn.
- Sure, sure.
Some jerk we can really push around.
Punch in at 8.30 every morning,
except Mondays, punch in at 8 am.
- Punch in late, they dock you.
- To Seven, Mr Matuzak.
Incoming articles get a voucher.
Outgoing provide a voucher.
Any without a voucher, they dock you.
Take this to secretarial pool. ASAP.
Letter size, green.
Folder size, yellow.
- Parcel size, maroon.
- This is for Morgatross. Ohop chop!
Wrong color voucher, they dock you!
That is your employee number.
It will not be repeated.
Without your number
you cannot get your pay check.
This goes up to 27. Return a waiver.
Do not return without a signed waiver.
Inter-office mail is code 37.
Intra-office mail is 37-3.
Outside mail is 3-37.
Oode it wrong, they dock you!
Should have had this on 28
ten minutes ago. Oover for me.
This was your orientation.
Is there anything you don't understand?
If not fully oriented,
file a complaint with personnel.
File a faulty complaint
and they dock you!
[Whistles]
Kloppitt, Kloppitt, Kloppitt...
...Max Kloppitt...
...Max Kloppitt Junior...
What do you do when the envelope's
too big for the slot?
Well, if you fold them, they fire you.
I usually throw them out.
I just got hired today.
- Mm-hm. Terrific.
- [Norville] You know, entry level.
[Sorter] Tell me about it.
But... I got big ideas.
- I'm sure you do.
- For instance...
...take a look at this sweet baby.
I developed it myself.
Yes, siree. This is my ticket upstairs.
You know, for kids.
Terrific.
So, I won't be working
in the mailroom long.
No, I don't guess you will be.
- How long you been here?
- 48 years.
Next year, they move me up to parcels.
- If I'm lucky.
- [Tannoy] Attention, employees.
Attention, Hudsucker employees.
We regretfully announce
that at 30 seconds after the hour
of noon, Hudsucker time,
Waring Hudsucker, founder, president,
and chairman of Hudsucker Industries,
merged with the Infinite.
To mark this occasion of corporate loss,
we ask that all employees observe
a moment of silent contemplation.
Thank you for your kind attention.
This moment has been noted
on your time cards
and will be deducted
from your pay. That is all.
[Alarm]
- Blue letter!
- It's a blue letter!
They're bringing down a blue letter!
[Bell rings]
[Buzzer]
[Sorter] It's a blue letter.
Top, top level.
Oonfidential communication
between the brass.
Usually bad news.
They hate blue letters upstairs.
- Hate 'em!
- You!
Yeah, you, Barnes.
You don't look busy.
Think you can handle a blue letter?
This was sent down this morning by
the big man himself, Waring Hudsucker.
Addressed to Sid Mussburger,
Hudsucker's right-hand-man.
It's a blue letter. You gotta put it
right in Mussburger's hands.
No secretaries, no receptionists,
no colleagues, no excuses!
Mussburger!
[Ping]
My name's Buzz, I got the fuzz,
I make the elevator do what she does.
Hang it up to dry.
What's your pleasure, buddy?
- 44th.
- 44, the top brass floor.
Say, what takes 50 years
to get up to the top floor
and 30 seconds to get down?
Waring Hudsucker.
You get it? Say... Mr Klein, up to nine.
Mrs Dell, Personnel.
- Mr Leven, 37... Walk down.
- 36.
Ladies and gentlemen, step to the rear.
Here's the gargantuan Mr Greer.
Say, buddy, who's the most liquid
businessman on the street?
Waring Hudsucker.
When is the sidewalk fully dressed?
When it's "wearing" Hudsucker!
Get it, buddy? It's a pun,
a knee-slapper, it's a play on...
Jesus, Joseph and Mary,
is that a blue letter?
Why didn't you tell a guy?
Hold on, folks.
Express to the top floor.
[Elevator whooshes]
[Ping]
[Buzz] Good luck, buddy.
You're gonna need it. [laughs]
[Scraping]
[Clears throat]
Mr Mussburger's office?
[Clears throat]
[Quietly] Hello.
Do you have an appointment?
No.
Shall we look in the book? Hm?
- I wouldn't... be in the book.
- You don't seem to be in the book.
If we had an appointment,
we'd be in the book.
You see, I have this...
Here it is.
[Screams]
[Mussburger]
Gambotz? Harry Gambotz?
Too risky.
He's green, but he's not slow.
Who's he? No, I want an imbecile,
not a cipher, or you'd have the job.
No, they moved him to grommets
and o-rings. He's doing pretty well.
No, not McLenahan.
He bungled the Teleyard merger,
he's got something to prove.
Who let you in?
Atwater? Tremendous,
except I fired him last week.
[Secretary] Mr Mussburger,
Mr Bumstead's waiting downstairs.
Tell him I'll be right there.
- Spit it out!
- [Norville] I...
Yeah? Well maybe you're
the company's biggest moron.
We can't use Morris, he's been here
too long, has too many friends.
In fact, why don't you fire him?
Scratch that, I'll fire him.
Make it fast.
[Secretary] Mr Bumstead is restless.
I'll be there.
Give him a magazine.
- What are you, a mute?
- [Alarm clock]
How's the stock doing?
Bad, huh?
That's not bad enough.
Listen, chump.
Find me a Grade A ding-dong
or give me your key
to the executive washroom.
That goes double for you, pal.
Earclay? Oodgay.
[Newton's cradle clicks]
This better be good.
I'm in a bad mood.
I've got something for you
from the mailroom but first,
if I could just take a minute or two
of your very valuable time,
to show you something I've been working
on for the past two or three years.
You know, for kids.
Perfect for Hudsucker.
Not that I'm any genius.
They say inspiration
is 99%% % perspiration,
and in my case it's twice that.
But I gotta tell you...
Wait a minute!
[Grunts]
Hm.
Sit down, son.
Go ahead.
Try it out.
[Leather squeaks]
Put your feet up.
Go ahead.
Let's get to know one another, shall we?
Let's chat.
Man to man.
Now, then.
You're from the basement, aren't you?
And weren't blessed with much...
...education.
Well, I'm a college graduate.
But you did not excel in your studies?
Well, I made the Dean's List.
At the Muncie Oollege
of Business Administration.
Your friends called you jerk,
didn't they?
- Dope? Dipstick?
- No.
Lamebrain? Schmo?
Not even behind your back?
They voted me Most Likely To Succeed.
You're fired.
Get your feet off my desk.
Get out of my office.
Leave your apron in the locker room.
[Mussburger]
My God, the Bumstead contracts.
Nitwit. We've been working
on that for four years.
Get out of here.
You could've destroyed the most
sensitive document of my career.
[Secretary]
Mr Bumstead is threatening to leave.
I'm coming.
We need the first page of the contract
re-typed with copies to Legal Affairs.
Yes?
Out! Out of the office!
[Breaking glass]
Down three points? That's encouraging.
How about New York?
Not that way, through the door!
It'll take three hours
to re-type the contract.
Where are you going?
Get out of here. Stop that!
Mr Bumstead...
Not the whole contract,
just the first page.
I'll be there.
Give him another magazine.
- I'll be there.
- Your wife's trying to reach you.
Up on your feet. We don't crawl
here at Hudsucker Industries.
- My leg is on fire.
- No assumptions. It's early yet.
Let me know where we stand
at the closing bell.
[Ringing]
- Oh, my God, sir.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God, the Bumstead contracts.
No magazines, no coffee.
Mussburger. I wanna see Mussburger.
Or did he jump out of a window too?
Don't worry, Mr Mussburger.
I got you by your pants!
Pants.
Mr Mussburger, I'm going to
give your pants a nice double stitch.
It'll make 'em real strong
and you're gonna look real sharp.
- No, single stitch is fine.
- But double stitch, she last forever.
Why on earth would I want
a double stitch?
To pad your account.
Single stitch is fine.
Damn.
[Sings]
What the heck?
Mr Moosburger is such a nice man,
I'm gonna give him
a double stitch anyway. [chuckles]
That's some strong stitch, you bet.
[Laughter]
[Norville guffaws]
[Laughter]
[Mussburger laughs]
The Einstein of Enterprise.
The Edison of Industry.
The Billion-Dollar Oranium.
Idea Man.
Not one of you mugs
has given me a story on him.
Bunch of lamebrained... Facts,
figures, charts never sold a newspaper.
This morning's edition of the Argus,
I'd wrap a fish in it.
I'd use it as kindling.
I'd train my poodle on it,
if he wasn't a French poodle
and partial to Paris Soir.
I wouldn't shell out a nickel
to read the darned thing.
Ohief, give us a break.
Sure, Tibbs. Take a break.
Go to Florida. Lie in the sun.
Wait for a coconut to drop.
File a story on it.
Better than your piece
on the Oommie grain surplus.
The human angle,
that's what sells papers.
We need a front page with a heart.
The Idea Man can put it there.
If we had more access...
If a frog had wings
it wouldn't bump its ass.
I don't want excuses, I want results.
What makes the Idea Man tick?
Where's he from?
I want to know everything.
- Has he got a girl? Parents?
- Everybody has parents.
Right.
How many? How about it, Parkinson?
You've been awful quiet.
- Er...
- Still waters run deep.
Only things deep are his ear-holes.
Yes, Idea Man.
What are his hopes and dreams?
His desires and aspirations?
Does he think all the time
or a portion of the day?
What's his shoe size?
Where does he sleep?
Does he putjam on his toast or not?
If not, why not? And since when?
Well?
You're useless.
Yes, Idea Man.
Oreator. Innovator.
Oerebrator.
- [Woman] Fake.
- Huh?!
I tell you, the guy's a phony.
- [Ohief] Phony?
- As a $3 bill.
- Says who?
- Amy Archer.
Why is he an idea man?
Because Hudsucker says so?
Why can't anyone interview him?
Five buck says
she mentions her Pulitzer.
Again? You're on.
Take a look at the mug on this guy.
The simian forehead, the idiotic grin.
He has a face only a mother could love.
On pay day. The only story here is
how this guy made a monkey out of you.
Monkey or not, I'm still editor.
What about your FBI piece?
"When Will Hoover Marry?"
I filed it yesterday.
Do a follow-up:
"Hoover: Orime-buster or Pantywaist?"
The rest of you mugs
get me that Idea Man story.
Hal, he's the bunk.
I'll stake my Pulitzer on it.
[Pings]
Say, where'd you get the new duds?
How'd old Bucketbutt
like his blue letter?
Did he bust a gut? Die?
Hello, Mr Mussburger.
- Lobby. We haven't got all day.
- Right away, sir.
How are you this fine morning, sir?
It's been a pleasure
serving you today, sir.
Pleasure serving you, too... buddy.
Sid, shouldn't we be concerned
with the downward spiral of our stock?
You're the expert, but at Muncie...
Relax. It's only natural,
in a period of transition,
for the timid to run for cover.
You're the expert.
But do you remember the plan I outlined
the day I set fire to your office...
the day I was promoted?
I do remember, and I was impressed,
but that's all forgotten now.
Thank you.
I mention it because it would require
such a small investment.
- Again, you're the expert...
- Damn it, where's my car?
...demographics, baby boom,
burgeoning middle class...
I'd like to bounce the idea
off a few people.
Sure, sure. Whoever you want.
I'd like to hear about it, too.
[Tyres screech]
- I got gas, Benny.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
[Lou] No kiddin', Benny. I got gas.
- [Benny] You get the special?
- [Lou] Far from it.
[Door bell]
[Lou wolf-whistles]
Enter the dame.
[Benny] There's one in every story.
[Lou] Ten bucks says
she's looking for a hand-out.
[Benny] Twenty bucks says not here,
she don't find one.
- [Lou] Looking for her mark.
- [Benny] She finds him.
[Lou] She sits down... and orders...
a light lunch.
- [Benny] How will she pay for lunch?
- [Lou] She looks through her purse.
- [Benny] No money.
- [Lou] The mark notices.
- [Lou] He's not noticing, Benny.
- [Benny] Maybe he's wise.
[Lou] He don't look wise.
[Benny] Plan 2.
Here come the waterworks.
- [Lou] Yellowstone.
- [Benny] Old Faithful.
[Lou] Hello, Niagara.
- [Benny] He notices.
- [Lou] She's distressed.
- [Benny] He's concerned.
- [Lou] She explains her predicament...
[both] Enter the light lunch.
- [Benny] She's got other problems.
- [Lou] There's illness in the family.
- [Benny] Her mother needs an operation.
- [Lou] Urgently.
- [Benny] Adenoids.
- [Lou] No, Benny.
- [Lou] Lumbago.
- [Benny] That gag's got whiskers on it.
- [Lou] Uh-oh. He ain't bitin', Benny.
- [Benny] She's losing him.
- [Lou] Maybe he's wise.
- [Benny] He don't look wise.
- [Lou] How does she pull this out?
- [Benny] He's gettin' away.
- [Lou] She'd better think fast.
- [Benny] She isn't...
[both] She is!
- She's good, Benny.
- She's damn good, Lou.
Oan I get you boys anything else?
Bromo.
Bromo.
[Amy] Sorry about the stairs,
it was that horrible elevator boy.
I so much appreciate
your listening to my story.
I'm so lucky to find someone
with a stout heart and a ready ear.
There I was traveling the country.
Some I met were kind, others cruel.
Traveling by bus, rail, even thumb...
Oouch, please.
Hoarding dollars,
counting nickels, pinching pennies.
It's been a long road
to that coffee-shop.
Not that I'd trade a day,
an hour, a moment of it.
What came over me? The shock
of eating after so long without.
The enzymes kicking in after so long...
- [Norville pants]
- [Inaudible]
But you couldn't possibly know
what it is to be tired and hungry.
- [Wheezes] Hungry, anyway.
- I won't bore you with my story.
I'm jobless, not for want of trying;
friendless, no one to take care of me.
Had you not come along,
at the moment you did...
- [Norville] I...
- I arrived not ten days ago
full of dreams,
anxious to make my way in the world.
A little naive but with determination
and a solid work ethic,
and an indomitable belief in the future,
only to have that optimism
dashed against the modern workplace.
- Such is life. Seek and ye shall find.
- Oigarette?
No. Work and ye shall prosper.
The watchwords of my education.
The ethos of my tender years,
the values instilled in me
while I grew up in a town
you've probably never heard of.
Mind if I join you?
A dusty crossroads of which
you've probably never heard.
[Shrieks]
Excuse me, executive washroom.
- [Norville retches]
- Are you all right?
Is it your lunch?
The chicken la King?
[Norville] Oh, I...
- Is the la King repeating on you?
- [Norville] I'm fine. You were saying?
[Whispers] Er...
Values, watchwords, tender years...
A little town
you've probably never heard of.
Muncie, Indiana.
You're from Muncie?
Why, yes. Do you know it?
[Grunts]
[Grunts, squawks]
# Fight onl Fight onl
# Dear old Munciel
# Fight on, hoist the gold and blue
# You'll be tattered, torn and hurtin'
# Once the Munce is done with you
Go...
...Eagles!
[Both laugh]
A Muncie girl,
what do you know about that?
Tell you what. I'm gonna cancel my
appointments and get you a job here.
- Oh, no, really...
- Don't bother to thank me.
I know where a vacancy
just came up. Mailroom.
- [man] Yeah?
- Afternoon, this is Norville Barnes.
[Man] Barnesl Where the hell you been?
Where's my voucher?
Voucher...
I need that voucher. I told you
a week ago it was important.
- I'm president of the company now.
- I don't care if you're president.
I need the voucher nowl
Why don't you work with me? Are you
familiar with the mimeographic machine?
Of course. I went to the Muncie
Secretarial... Polytechnic.
A Muncie girl. Oan you beat that?
I don't know how to thank you,
Mr Barnes.
Please, Norville.
Go, Eagles!
[Amy] Go, Eagles!
[Smitty laughs]
What's the Munce? Holy Moly!
He's from Ohumpsville.
I pulled the old mother routine.
- Adenoids?
- Lumbago.
- That gag's got whiskers.
- Hudsucker is up to something.
Six-letter word:
Affliction of the hypothalamus.
It's a cinch. Goitre.
This guy isn't in on it.
- She's here.
- When's the late final?
Ohief.
Just the person I want to apologize to.
Seven minutes.
I was all wet about your Idea Man.
Well, thanks for being so generous.
It is human, and you are divine.
No, no. He's no faker.
He's a 100%% %, real McOoy,
beware of imitations, genuine article.
The guy's a real moron.
A five-letter word for imbecile.
As pure a specimen
as I've ever run across.
OK. If I'm not an expert,
my name isn't Amy Archer
and I never won the Pulitzer Prize.
In 1957.
My... Oh, my series
on the reunited triplets.
Oome here, hammerhead,
and I'll show it to you.
- Three letters: A flightless bird...
- Not now, I'm busy.
I said hammerhead, a ten-letter word
for a bullying newspaper man.
Gnu. G-N-U.
Who couldn't find the Empire
State Building with a guide.
Or is it emu? That's potatoes.
Here comes the gravy.
The chump really likes me.
A Muncie girl.
- Better off falling for a rattlesnake.
- He's a patsy, but what for?
There's a real story here,
some kind of plot, a cabbala.
- And did I tell you?
- Money?
- A sawbuck.
- 10 smackers! Let's grab a highball.
On Norville Barnes.
Oopy!
Miss Smith,
would you come in and take a letter?
Of all the cockamamie...
Did you see the front page
of today's Argus?
I didn't bother to read the article.
The picture didn't do you justice.
The picture's fine. It's what
that knuckleheaded dame wrote.
Of all the irresponsible...
Take this down.
Dear Miss Archer,
I call you "miss" because
you've missed the boat completely.
How would you know if I'm an imbecile
if you haven't the guts
to interview me man-to-man?
Ohange that to "face-to-face".
No, "eye-to-eye".
And guts to "decency".
Speculation about my intelligence,
preposterous inventions,
are better suited to the pages
of Amazing Tales Magazine.
If the editors of The Argus publish
the rantings of a disordered mind,
perhaps they will publish
this letter, but I doubt it,
as I doubt also you could find
a home at Amazing Tales,
a periodical
which I have enjoyed for many years.
Sincerely, etc, etc...
Is that all, Mr Barnes?
You know me better than this dame.
Am I an imbecile?
- Well, I'm sure I...
- Go on. Tell the truth.
I place a lot of stock in your opinion.
- Well...
- Sure, you're biased.
You're a fellow Muncian.
But let me ask you a question.
Would an imbecile come up with this?
I designed it myself.
This sweet baby's
gonna put Hudsucker right back on top.
Uh-huh.
You know, for kids.
- Why don't I just type this up?
- No, Amy, that won't be necessary.
I shouldn't send it.
She's just doing herjob, I guess.
I don't know.
Maybe she does deserve it.
Maybe she should
have faced you, man to man.
- She probably had a deadline.
- She still could've gotten your side.
- For the record.
- Well, what's the use of grousing?
Forget the letter,
I just had to blow off some steam.
She's probably just a little confused.
Oonfused?
Probably one of these
fast-talking career gals.
One of the boys,
know what I mean?
I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
Probably suffers from
one of these complexes.
She's probably very unattractive
and bitter about it.
- Oh, is that it?
- Probably dresses in men's clothing,
swaps drinks at the watering hole,
hob-nobs with a smooth-talking heel
in the newsroom named Biff or...
- Smitty.
- Exactly. And I bet she's real ugly.
Otherwise, they'd print her picture.
Maybe she puts her work
ahead of her personal appearance.
That's what she tells herself. But we
know she's a dried up, bitter old maid.
How about we grab dinner and a show
after work? Maybe The King and I?
How about Oklahoma?
You don't know a thing
about that woman, who she really is.
Only a numbskull thinks he knows things
about things he knows nothing about.
Say, what gives?
[Clock chimes]
[Steam hisses]
[Whistles]
[Elevator whirs]
Uh-huh.
[Steam hisses]
[Mussburger] The director...
...a slack market.
The inventory of the Jacksonville
facility should be reduced by 15%%% .
- Memo. From Sidney J Mussburger...
- [Moses] What you doing, Miss Archer?
Huh?
[Clanking]
Who are you?
How did you know who I am?
[Moses chuckles]
I expect old Moses
knows just about everything.
Leastways, if it concerns Hudsucker.
But who are you? What do you do here?
I keep the old circle turning.
This old clock needs plenty of care.
Time is money, Miss Archer.
Money drives that old global economy and
keeps Big Daddy Earth spinnin' around.
- Without that capital formation...
- [Amy] Yeah, yeah.
Say, you won't tell anyone
about me, will you?
I don't tell no one nothin'.
Unless they ask.
Thatjust ain't old Moses' way.
If you know everything about Hudsucker,
why was Norville Barnes made president?
That even surprised old Moses at first.
I didn't think the Board was that smart.
- That smart?
- But then I figured it out.
They figured Norville for an imbecile,
like some other people I know.
Why on earth would the Board
want a nitwit to be president?
Because they're little piglets.
They're trying to inspire panic.
Make the stock cheap
so they can snitch it up themselves.
But Norville, he's got
some tricks up his sleeve.
You know, for kids. [chuckles]
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, he's a smart one, that Norville.
I guess you don't know him
any more than that board does, do you?
- Maybe I...
- Only some kind of knucklehead
thinks she knows things
about things she...
...when she don't er...
- How'd that go?
- It's hardly the same.
Why, you don't even know your own self.
You ain't exactly
the genuine article, are you?
In connection with my job, sometimes
I have to go undercover, as it were.
I don't mean that.
Why are you pretending
to be such a hard old sourpuss?
Ain't going to never make you happy.
I'm happy enough.
[Guffaws]
OK, Miss Archer.
I got gears to see to.
[Laughs]
I'm plenty happy.
[Steam hisses]
Hello? [echoes]
- I can't print that.
- Why not?
The Board's using the guy,
depressing the stock.
Speculation.
They'd have my butt in a satchel.
- Satchel-butt.
- They'll buy that stock.
The stock's cheap.
What are they waiting for?
- I don't know.
- Amy's hunches are usually good.
You don't accuse someone
of stock manipulation on a hunch.
Readers aren't interested
in sensationalism, gossip.
Facts, figures, charts,
the tools of the trade.
It's as if you're trying to take
the heat off Barnes, gone soft on him.
[Smitty] That's a low blow.
Archer's not gonna
go gooey for an idiot.
All right. But you're out of line
with this stock story.
Get me more
"Moron from Sheboygan" stuff.
- Muncie.
- Whatever. That sells newspapers.
I got a harder story:
"Sap from the Oity Desk".
- Watch it!
- A dim-witted editor...
Hey! Easy, tough guy.
[Smitty chuckles]
- Does this suit look mannish to you?
- Sure, let's grab a highball.
Back off... Smoocher.
Say, what gives?
[Chatter]
[Mrs Mussburger] Enchanting!
[Mrs Mussburger]
A man of great managerial potency.
My husband is also a president,
Sears Braithwaite of Bullard.
- Do you know him?
- Your companion is an ode.
- [Mrs Braithwaite] Are you betrothed?
- Amy works at my office.
- She works the mimeograph...
- The folly of youth!
Those green, remembered hills.
That bourn
from which no traveler returns.
I once ran the mimeograph for Sidney,
though engaged at the time
to quelqu'un d'autre.
My water cooler romance
became a mad passion,
an amour fou, a folie deux.
[Chuckles]
I'm brushing up my French
with a charming man.
Pierre of Fifth Avenue.
Do you know him?
Sidney and I are planning a trip
to Paris and points continental.
[Both women laugh]
- Aren't we, dear?
- Sure, sure.
I'd like to borrow Norville for a while
if you don't mind, dear.
Oh, frankly, I...
You have a very charming wife,
Mr... Sid.
So they tell me.
Let me shepherd you
through some of the introductions.
Try not to talk too much.
Some of our biggest stockholders are...
Scratch that. Say what you like.
Shake hands
with Sears Braithwaite of Bullard.
Pleasure to know you, Barnes.
This is Zebulon Oardozo, one of our
largest and most loyal stockholders.
What's this about you being an imbecile?
What's ailing you?
Last week, my stock was worth
twice what it is now.
I'm thinking of getting out
unless I see a vast improvement.
What you got here is a range war.
You're gonna have to circle our wagons
or I'm getting out of your wagon train.
No need for concern. It's only natural
for the timid to run for cover.
- Yellow? I'll show you yellow, boy.
- Zebulon, you mind, now.
- Quit actin' like such an old grizzly.
- Step lively, here, Norville.
Sorry, Sid. I thought
if I showed him the long view...
This is Thorstenson Finlandson, who
heads a group of disgruntled investors.
Pleased to meet you. I studied
a little Finnish in high school.
I hope I'm not too rusty.
[Speaks Finnish]
[Screams]
Ladies and gentlemen,
members of the Board.
I give you the Rajah of Romance,
the Ministerio of Moonlight,
the incredible, the unforgettable,
Mr Vic Tenetta.
[Cheering]
Rajah, I like that.
# Take one fresh and tender kiss
[gasps]
# Add one stolen night of bliss
# One girl, one boy
# Some grief, somejoy
# Memories are made of this
# Don't...
Norville.
What happened?
Nothing. Just the more timid investors
are no longer running for cover.
- Let me look.
- Sid found me the ice pack
Let me hold it
or you'll have a real shiner.
I guess people are pretty hot
over this "imbecile" story.
I'm sorry.
It's not your fault. You're the one
person that's been standing by me.
Norville, there's something
I have to tell you.
You see, I'm not really a secretary.
- I know that, Amy.
- You do?
You're not very skilled
in the secretarial arts.
And I'm not that skilled as president.
- I put up a big front, but...
- I believe in you.
At least, I believe in your intentions.
I don't blame them, really.
I suppose I have made a mess of things.
They have to protect their investment.
Most of them are very nice.
You can't trust people here
like you did in Muncie.
Oertain people...
Ever go to the top of Larson's
feed tower and look out over the town?
- On Farm Route 17?
- Oh, yes, in Muncie.
No, in Vidalia. Farm Route 17.
Oh, yes. Seventeen, yes.
Well, no, I never...
Guys from the varsity squad
would bring their dates up there to...
...hold hands.
Oourse, I never made varsity.
There's a place I go now.
Oute place,
near my apartment in Greenwich Village.
It's called Ann's 440.
It's a beatnik bar.
You don't say! A beatnik bar.
You can get carrotjuice or Italian
coffee and the people there...
None of them quite fit in.
You'd love it.
Why don't you come there with me?
They're having a poetry reading
on New Year's Eve. I go every year.
Every year?
Well, this year, if it's good,
I plan to make it a tradition.
I... [chuckles]
My, it certainly is beautiful.
The people look like ants.
The Hindus say,
and the beatniks also,
that in our next life,
some of us will come back as ants.
Some'll be butterflies, others
elephants, or creatures of the sea.
What a beautiful thought.
What do you think you were
in a previous life, Amy?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe I was just
a fast-talking career gal
who thought she was one of the boys.
No. Pardon me for saying so,
but I find that very far-fetched.
That kind would come back
as a wildebeest or a warthog.
I find it more likely that you were...
...a gazelle.
With long, graceful legs,
gamboling through the underbrush.
Perhaps we met once,
a chance encounter in a forest glade.
I must have been an antelope or an ibex.
The times we must have had,
foraging together for sustenance.
Snorfling water from a mountain stream,
picking the grubs and burrs
from one another's coats.
Or perhaps we simply touched horns
briefly and went our separate ways.
I wish it were that simple, Norville.
I wish I was still a gazelle
and you were an antelope or an ibex.
Well...
Oan I at least call you...
...dear?
You're funny.
Seriously, it's what
your beatnik friends call "karma".
The great circle of life,
death and rebirth.
I think I heard of that.
What goes around comes around.
That's it, a great wheel
that gives us all what we deserve.
I gotta show Sid and the guys
I deserve their confidence.
Tomorrow's my big presentation
to the Board.
Kiss me, Amy.
Kiss me once for luck.
Sure, Norville. Sure.
Shh!
[Norville] You know, for kids.
It has economy, simplicity,
low costs, mass appeal,
and that means profitability.
I had R&D throw together this prototype
so our discussion had some focus
and to give you a first-hand look
at how exciting this gizmo is.
It's fun, healthy, good exercise,
the kids'll just love it,
we put a little sand inside
to make it more pleasant.
The great part is, we don't have
to charge an arm and a leg.
- What if you tire?
- Does it have rules?
- Oan more than one play?
- Is it a game?
- Will it break?
- It'd better break eventually.
- What if you tire?
- Oould we charge extra for batteries?
- Is it safe for toddlers?
- How'd you make it stop?
- Is it a boy's model?
- Oan parents assemble it?
- What if you tire?
- Is there a model for the obese?
- What the hell is it?
- Well, it's...
It's...
- It's erm...
- [Mussburger] Brilliant.
Genius.
It's just exactly what Hudsucker
needs at this juncture.
Even a blind man can tell you
there'll be enormous demand for this...
This...
Oongratulations, kid.
You've reinvented the wheel.
I'm gonna recommend that
we proceed immediately and that the...
...that the er...
...dingus be mass-produced
with all deliberate speed.
Although we realize,
of course,
as president,
the ultimate decision is yours.
Well, I'm for it.
[Bell rings]
[Whoosh]
[Whoosh]
[Ad man]
We'll call it The Flying Doughnut.
- The Dancing Dingus.
- The Belly-Go-Round.
- The Swingerina.
- The Wacky Oircumference.
Uncle Midriff!
- [Ad man] Something short.
- Sharp.
- A little jazz...
- The Shezammeter.
- The Hipster.
- The Daddy-O.
[Bell rings]
[Whoosh]
The Hoopsucker.
The Hudswinger.
- The Hoopsucker.
- The Hudswinger.
- Fellas, fellas...
- You got something?
Fellas, I've got something.
[Ticker-tape machine]
[Bell rings]
[Cheering]
[Cheering]
Wow!
[Pings]
Norville!
Rockwell News
presents Tidbits of Time.
World news in pictures. We kid you not.
As Old Man 1958
hobbles towards his finish,
Barnes is the name
on every American lip.
Norville Barnes,
young president of Hudsucker Industries,
a boy bred in the heartland
but now the toast of New York.
Barnes is the brainy inventor
of America's craziest craze,
the Hula Hoop, reaping
unprecedented profits for his company
and winning the hearts, and hips,
of every youngster in America.
Ho-ho. Did I say "youngster"?
Here's Mom taking a break
from her household chores.
And even Dad is swinging into the act.
Cards, letters,
congratulations come pouring in
from Kankakee to Petaluma,
including one very special
long-distance call.
He's on. He's on the line.
[Shouting]
- Hello?
- Hello, this is the President.
- My God, sir.
- I wanted to congratulate you.
I'm very proud of you.
Mrs Eisenhower
is very proud of you.
The American people
are very proud of you.
[Reporters] Mr Barnes, over here.
[Reporters shout]
How did you come up
with the idea for the Hula Hoop?
Well, it was no great idea, really.
A thing like this takes
a whole company to put together.
Did you think
there'd be such a huge response?
Frankly, I don't think anybody
expected this much hoopla.
[Laughter]
"Hoopla on the Hula Hoop."
Oan we quote you on that?
Sure, I guess.
Are you thinking of giving yourself
a nice fat raise?
[Norville] Oome on, you guys.
[Newsreel] What principle explains
the motion of this wheel of wonder?
The dingus is quite simple.
It works on the same principles that
keeps the Earth spinning around the sun
and that keeps you from flying off the
Earth into the cold reaches of space,
where you would die
like a miserable swine.
Yes, the principle is the same,
except for the piece of grit they put in
to make the experience more pleasant.
[Man] Yes, it's hula, hula everywhere.
From the parties
of the Park Avenue smart set...
to sweethearts who want
to be married in the "swing"of things.
Did the Board consider you an "Idea Man"
when it promoted you from the mail room?
I don't think it was because
they thought I was a schmo.
What's the next big idea for you
and Hudsucker Industries?
I don't know. An idea like this baby
doesn't come overnight.
I'll tell you one thing: I certainly
didn't expect all this hoopla.
You can quote me on that.
Rumpus Magazine calls you
the most eligible bachelor of the year
and you've been linked
with fashion model Za-Za.
We're just dear friends.
Isn't that right, Za-Za?
[Tyres screech, crash]
- [Meows]
- [Reporters whistle]
How do you respond to charges
you're out of ideas?
- Has Norville Barnes run dry?
- Not at all.
Just this week,
I came up with several ideas.
A larger Hula Hoop for the portly.
A battery option
for the lazy or spastic.
A model with extra sand for the
hard-of-hearing. I'm earning my keep.
Do you expect to get a raise?
By anyone's account, I single-handedly
have saved Hudsucker Industries.
Our stock is worth more than ever.
So I expect to be compensated for that.
[Train rattles]
[Sobs]
- Pull yourself together, man.
- Nobody told me.
You sold all our stock?
- We dumped the whole load.
- I had 20,000 shares.
- I'd be a millionaire now.
- Sure, sure, we'd all be millionaires.
There's no point looking back.
Stillson thought that dumping
our position would panic the market,
further depress the stock.
Then we could buy it back,
and more, once it got cheap.
Oheap? Oheap?
It's never been more valuable.
And I'm ruined.
Ruined.
Addison.
I'm getting off this merry-go-round.
Myron.
Plexiglas.
I had it installed last week.
[Plexiglas squeaks]
[Thud]
Myron?
All right.
So the kid caught a wave.
Right now,
he and his dingus are on top.
Well, this too shall pass.
Myrtle J Mussburger
did not raise her boy
to go knock-kneed
at the first sign of adversity.
I say we made this chump,
we can break him.
I say the higher he climbs,
the harder he drops.
I say yes, the kid has a future.
And in it
I see shame, dishonor,
ignominy, disgrace.
Sure, sure, the music plays,
the wheel turns,
and our spin ain't over yet.
[Massage gloves buzz]
For Pete's sakes. Norville.
[Norville] Where have you been hiding?
Do you know what those nincompoops
in the boardroom are doing?
- I wouldn't call them that.
- Discharge 8%% % of the workforce here.
In New York alone,
that's 1,800 people out of work.
With wives, children and families.
We're pruning away some dead wood.
- You mean you know about this?
- Know about it? Sure.
You think the Board would do it without
my authorization? It was my idea.
- Your idea?
- We're in a period of transition here.
- Things have slowed down.
- You're being kind to yourself.
The fact is you've slowed down,
sitting here like a sultan.
Ideas are the lifeblood of industry
and you haven't had one since the Hoop.
You've forgotten
what made your ideas exciting.
It wasn't for fame, wealth...
Would you get out of here?
You too, sisters, move it. Out.
I've been watching you, Norville Barnes.
- Amy, you...
- And I've noticed how you've changed.
I used to think you were a swell guy.
Well, I thought you were an imbecile.
- I'm...
- Then I found out you were a swell guy.
A little slow, but a swell guy.
Maybe you're not so slow,
but you're not so swell, either, and
it seems you're an imbecile after all.
You haven't talked to me for a week
and now I'm going to say my piece.
Look, I've never been dumped
by a fella before and that hurts.
What really hurts
is watching you outrun your soul.
Ohasing after money
and the respect of a board
that wouldn't give you
the time of day if you...
- Worked in a watch factory.
- [Laughs]
Shut up! Exactly.
Oh, Norville.
Remember how you felt about the Hoop?
You told me you were going to bring
a smile to the hips of America,
regardless of creed or color.
Finally there'd be a thing
to bring everyone together.
Even if it kept them apart spatially.
"You know, for kids."
Your words, not mine.
I used to love Norville Barnes.
Yes, love him.
He was just a swell kid
with hot ideas who was in over his head.
Now your head's too big to be in over.
- Oonsider this my resignation.
- Ow!
Effective immediately.
[Door slams]
[Singing from Carmen]
[Buzz] Buddy?
Buddy.
- [Norville snores]
- Oh, buddy.
Buddy. Say, buddy?
Buddy. Say, buddy?
[Grumbles]
- Buddy. You busy?
- What?
Looks like you nodded off.
Say, you got a minute?
- Buzz? Is this important?
- I like to think so.
It's this little idea I been working on.
I don't intend
to be an elevator boy forever.
Incredibly convenient, isn't it?
You know, for drinks.
This is how it works. It's got ridges
that give it its whammy.
You don't have to drink like this
anymore. You can drink like this.
I call it the Buzzsucker.
You get it, buddy?
People are dying for this
and we won't have to charge...
Wait a minute.
This...
...is worthless.
But, buddy...
It's the most idiotic thing
I've ever seen.
Nobody wants
a harebrained product like this.
You see, Buzz, it lacks the
creative spark, the unalloyed genius,
that made something like, say,
the [burps] Hula Hoop such a success.
What do you mean, taking up my time?
I've got a company to run.
[Laughs] But, buddy...
I can't have every deadbeat
on the Hudsucker payroll pestering me.
- I'm sorry, buddy.
- An example must be made.
What do you mean, buddy?
You're fired.
Is that plain enough for you, buster?
[Shrieks]
- Oh, buddy.
- And don't call me buddy.
Please, sir, this job,
running the elevator, it's all I've got.
It's OK if you don't like the
Buzzsucker, just let me keep my job.
- I'm praying to you.
- Get out of my office.
Get up. Up!
We don't crawl here
at Hudsucker Industries.
[Wails] I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry.
[Mussburger] Thank you, Aloysius.
[Mussburger] This is useful.
[Clattering]
Sorry I'm late, Sid. That back nine
at Riverdale is really murder.
[Mussburger] It's a tough course.
A real lollapalooza.
[Mussburger] Sit down, son.
I thought the boardroom would be
a swell place to chat, undisturbed.
It seems we've got some
security problems here at the Hud.
- You don't say.
- Ordinarily, I wouldn't bother with it.
But this is embarrassing.
It concerns you directly.
- How's that, Sid?
- It's not serious in itself.
Some elevator boy
that you fired came to me,
claiming that you'd stolen
the idea for the dingus.
You'd stolen it from him.
Well, he... I...
- Maybe I was a little rough, but...
- Forget it.
You don't have to explain.
He's a little person, he's nothing.
Fire whoever you want.
No. No, the problem is
who you hire.
That dame. A spy, as it turns out.
Must have gotten
to that elevator schnook.
And her paper is going to town.
Sure, sure, we tried to kill the story,
but The Argus won't play ball.
And the problem the Board will have
is you hired this woman,
you kept her on
while she was making a chump out of you.
Serious error ofjudgment.
Business is war, kid.
You take no prisoners
and you get no second chances.
So when the Board meets
after New Year's,
your position...
It looks like you're finished.
Washed up.
Oh.
The fourteenth hole at Riverdale.
Some use a mashie, some use a niblicker.
Niblicker.
Get more loft, more backspin.
That dame.
She got your throat pretty well slit.
When you're dead, you stay dead.
If you don't believe me,
ask Waring Hudsucker.
Tough luck, kid.
You had a short climb up
but it's a long way down.
"Stole the hoop idea..."
You can't print that.
We are printing it.
She hits the streets tonight.
And she's dynamite.
It's the bunk. Norville showed me
his design the day I met him.
Buzz couldn't have invented it.
He's an imbecile.
You're a broken record.
He did design it. Some kind of prodigy.
- Says who?
- We all have sources.
Smith's source is on the Hud Board.
Very senior and hush-hush.
I bet his initials are
Sidney J Mussburger.
You lost it. You're going soft.
Soft on the dummy from Dubuque.
- Muncie.
- Whatever.
The story's hot
and you're no longer on top of it.
It's the scoop of the century. The other
papers won't have it till tomorrow.
They'll be choking on our dust.
You're fools, both of you.
You're being used, don't you see?
Take a break. You worked hard
on this story. You broke it.
It's passed you by
and Smith is taking up the slack.
You want slack?
I'll give you slack.
You're not putting me
out to pasture. I quit.
- Oonsider this my resignation.
- [Thud]
Effective immediately.
Soft.
[Dr Bromfenbrenner] So, tell me, why do
you feel this woman betrayed you?
What's the difference?
[German accent]
The whole world is against you?
- I don't know.
- And the elevator boy, Buzz.
He too works against you?
[Norville] Well, yeah.
Olassic. The patient displayed
listlessness, apathy, indifference
and was blue and mopey.
When asked what
four Rorschach stains represented,
patient replied "Nothing much",
"I don't know", "Just a blotch"
and "Sure beats me".
Patient shows no ambition,
no get-up-and-go, no vim.
He is riding the grand loopen-ze-loop
that goes from
the height of delusional gaiety
to the trough of despair.
He's now near, but not yet at,
his lowest point.
When he reaches bottom he may erupt
and pose a danger to himself and others.
Diagnosis, Dr Bromfenbrenner?
Patient is manic-depressive, paranoid
type B, with acute schizoid tendencies.
So, patient is...
[Dr Bromfenbrenner] Precisely. Nuts.
- Prescription?
- Three things.
Oommitment,
electro-convulsive therapy,
maintenance in eine secure facilities.
[Applause]
[Slow jazz music]
[Man] Yeah, he's a tall guy. Real mess.
You better get down here.
Says he's a friend of yours.
No, he didn't say,
but, man, is he from Squaresville.
[Norville] M-A-R...
I want a martini. It's New Year's Eve,
I deserve a martini.
It's like I said, you can't...
I thought you served misfits here.
That's a roger,
but we don't sell alcohol.
What kind of bar is it?
Oan't get a martini.
It's a juice and coffee bar, man,
like I've been telling you.
Right. So, I want
a martini.
I've had a martini in every bar
on the way down here.
Martinis are for squares, man.
What did you call me?
You beatnik son of a...
Norville.
What? Oh, look who's here.
Amy Archer. Prizeitzer Pul winner.
Looking for a nitwit to buy you lunch?
- Norville...
- Bar fella.
- I'm sorry.
- I'd like a martini.
I tried to tell you so many times.
It's hard to admit
when you've been wrong.
If you could just find it in your heart
to give me another chance.
Ha!
You take no prisoners,
you get no second chances.
Please, Norville,
give me one more chance.
And yourself, too. We both deserve one.
Just give us a second chance,
and together we can fight this thing.
I know this story was a lie
and we can prove it.
Release a statement.
I can help you write it.
What's the difference?
I'm all washed up.
Extinct. Homo sapiens sapicus.
Well, thatjust about does it.
I've seen Norville Barnes,
the young man in a big hurry,
and I've seen Norville Barnes,
the self-important heel.
But I've never seen
Norville Barnes, the quitter.
And I don't like it.
"Fight on."
"Fight on, dear old Muncie."
"Fight on, hoist the gold and blue."
"You'll be tattered, torn and hurtin'
once the Munce is done with you."
"Go, Eagles."
You can't surrender, Norville.
Remember.
# Fight onl Fight onl
Dear old Muncie
# Fight on, hoist the gold and blue
# You'll be tattered, torn and...
You lied to me.
How could you lie to me?
You. A Muncie girl.
But, Norville, I...
When you're dead, you stay dead.
Just ask Waring Hudsucker.
Oh, Norville.
[Sobs]
Extra, extra.
New Year's Eve edition.
Barnes' brain caught red-handed.
Ideas ersatz.
Man from Muncie a moron after all.
Read all about it.
New Year's Eve edition!
Man from Muncie...
You're not so slow,
but you're not so swell either.
Looks like you're an imbecile after all.
Sure, sure. But your friend called you
dope, dipstick, lamebrain, schmo.
Please, buddy,
running the elevator, it's all I got.
[Eisenhower] Norville, you let me down.
You let Mrs Eisenhower down.
You let the American people down.
When you're dead, you stay dead.
- You stay dead.
- [Amy laughs]
Sure, sure.
The kid is screwy, it's official.
The barred-window boys
are out looking for him now.
We'll see how Wall Street likes the news
that the president of Hudsucker
Industries is off to the booby hatch.
When Doc Bromfenbrenner
gets through with him
he'll need diapers and a dribble cup.
- [All grumble]
- Well, if that's all...
[all] Long live the Hud.
[Music plays]
Why don't you watch where...?
Hiya, buddy.
Out on the town, huh?
Guess what, Mr Muss...
Sid says I can have my old job back.
- I deserve a second chance, he says.
- He did?
Turns out Old Bucketbutt
isn't so bad after all.
Buzz, that's wonderful.
He told me you stole that swell
Hoop idea from me. What gives?
- But, Buzz, I would never...
- Gee, that was a swell idea.
And Sid says you stoled it.
What are you waiting on?
Pop him one.
[Norville] But, Buzz...
[woman] He looks like a bum.
- Isn't he that lunatic?
- He's a menace.
- He's that big-shot faker.
- That Wall Street fraud guy.
Nuttier than a fruitcake.
[Woman] For heavens' sakes,
somebody call a cop.
[All gasp]
[All shout]
[Tramp]
Ring out the old and ring in the new.
Ring out the old and ring in the new.
[Tyres screech]
Where you going?
Ring out the old.
[Whoosh]
[Gust of wind]
[Newton's cradle clicks]
[Mussburger mumbles]
[Elevator pings]
[Gasps]
[Clattering]
Hey!
[Shrieks]
[Clock chimes]
Hey!
Hey!
[Groans]
[Screams]
[Laughs]
[Screams]
[Clanking]
[Clanking]
Strictly speaking,
I'm never supposed to do this.
But have you got a better idea?
# She'll be driving six white horses
When she comes
# We'll all have chicken and dumplings
When she comes
# We'll all have chicken and dumplings
We'll all have chicken and dumplings
# We'll all have chicken and dumplings
When she comes
# She'll be comin'round the mountain
When she comes
# She'll be comin'round the mountain
When she comes
# She'll be comin'round the mountain
She'll be comin'round the mountain
# She'll be comin'round the mountain
When she comes
# She'll be comin'round the mountain
I said, comin'round the mountain
# Oh, yeah, comin'round the mountain
When she comes #
Love that tune. How you doing, kid?
Mr Hudsucker?
How do you like that? They're all
wearing them upstairs. It's a fad.
Anyway, I see you've been having
some problems with the Board.
Sidney's putting
the screws to you, Norman?
Norville.
Say what you like about his ethics,
he's a balls-to-the-wall businessman.
Straight for the jugular.
Any particular reason
you didn't give him my blue letter?
Jesus, Norman, just a dying man's
last words and wishes. No big deal.
I must have mislaid it.
It's sitting in your apron pocket,
right where you left it.
Imbecile. Failure to deliver
a blue letter is grounds for dismissal.
- Jeez, I...
- I'm not going to add to your woes.
I'm just saying.
You want to read it?
Might learn something.
Might keep you from jumping out windows.
"Blue letter.
From the desk of Waring Hudsucker."
"To Sidney J Mussburger,
regarding my demise."
"Dear Sid, by the time you read this,
I'll be with the organization upstairs."
"An exciting new beginning.
I will retain fond mem..."
- Memories.
- "...of the many years we spent..."
Standard resignation boilerplate.
Go to the second paragraph.
"You will be wondering why I am ending
my tenure at Hudsucker and on Earth."
"Granted, from the standpoint
of our balance sheet, we're doing fine."
"But in my personal life
I have made grave errors."
"I have let my success
become my identity."
"I have foolishly played the great man
and watched my life
become more empty as a result."
"My vanity drove away she
who could have saved me."
"Oh, yes, I loved a woman once,
as you well know."
"A beautiful, vibrant lady."
"An angel who, in her wisdom,
saw fit to choose you instead of I."
- "Mr Hudsucker."
- [Mr Hudsucker wails]
[Mr Hudsucker]
Skip this part. [blows nose]
Next page. Next page!
[Whistles]
"This brings me to our company,
Sid, and its future."
"Our next president must have
the liberty I have had
to experiment and even fall...
Fail.
...without fear of the whims
of the stockholders or the Board,
- the president must be free to fall...
- Fail.
...and learn to fail...
- Fall.
...and rise again
by applying what he has learned."
"Such is business. Such is life."
"Accordingly, I hereby bequeath
all of my shares in Hudsucker Industry
to whomever you and the Board
shall elect to succeed me as president."
"I assume this will be you, Sidney."
"If not, if the Board chooses someone
else to be the new president, then..."
Tough titty toenails. [laughs]
That'll show the bastard!
[Laughs]
OK, go ahead.
"I urge you to work
with the new president
and remind him when he needs it that
failure should never lead to despair."
"That despair looks only
to the past, in business...
[squeaking]
And in love."
The future is now.
[Norville] "The future is now."
"When our future president needs it,
Waring Hudsucker hereby bequeaths him
his second chance."
[Screams]
- [Screams]
- [Laughs]
Deliver that letter in the morning.
[Laughs] Yahoo!
Yeah!
[Moses] And so began 1959.
The New Year.
When he learned Norville owned the
company, old Sidney was upset at first.
It's a good thing
Doc Bromfenbrenner was there,
Sidney?
'Cause he was able to keep Sidney
from harming his old self.
He prescribed a long rest
in a sana... in the sanatori...
in the booby hatch.
Now, Norville, he went on and ruled
with wisdom and compassion,
and started dreaming up
them new ideas again.
For kids.
I had the boys at R&D
throw together this prototype
so our discussion could have some focus
and to give you gentlemen a first look.
And that's the story of how
Norville Barnes climbed way up
to the 44th floor
of the Hudsucker Building,
and then fell all the way down,
but didn't quite squish himself.
You know, they say there was a man
whojumped from the 45th floor.
But that's another story.
[Laughs]
New York. It's 1958.
Anyway, for a few more minutes it is.
Come midnight, it's gonna be 1959.
A whole other feeling. The New Year.
The future.
Yeah, old Daddy Earth's fixin'
to start one more trip round the sun.
Everybody hopin' this ride-around
be a little more giddy,
a little more gay.
Yep, all over town,
champagne corks is a-poppin'.
Over in the Waldorf, the big shots is
dancin' to the strains of Guy Lombardo.
Down in Times Square,
the little folks is a-watchin'
and waitin'for that big ball to drop.
They're all trying to catch hold
of one moment in time,
to be able to say,
"Right now, this is it, I got it."
Of course by then, it'll be past.
But they're all happy.
Everybody havin'a good time.
Well, almost everybody.
There's a few lost souls
floatin'around out there.
Now, if y'all ain't from the city,
we got somethin'here
called the rat race.
Got a way of chewin'folks up
so that they don't want no celebratin'.
Don't want no cheerin' up,
don't care nothin'about no New Years.
Out of hope, out of rope, out of time.
This here's Norville Barnes.
That office he's steppin'out of
is the office of the president
of Hudsucker Industries.
It's his office.
How'd he get so high?
And why's he feelin'so low?
Is he really gonna do it?
Is Norville really gonna
jelly-up the sidewalk?
Well, the future, that's somethin'
you can't never tell about.
But the past...
That's another story.
[Clock chimes]
[Buzzer]
[Executive]... no signs of weakening.
We're up 18%% %
over last year's third quarter gross
and that, needless to say,
is a new record.
Our competition continues to flag
and we continue to take up the slack.
Market share in most divisions
is increasing
and we have opened
seven new regional offices.
Our international division is showing
vigorous signs of upward movement,
and we're looking at
some exciting things in R&D.
[Door bell]
[Gust of wind]
Sub-franchising.
Don't talk to me about sub-franchising.
We're making so much money
in sub-franchising, it isn't even funny.
Our nominees and assigns
continue to multiply and expand,
extending our influence
nationally and abroad.
Our owned-and-operateds are performing
far beyond our expectations,
and the Federal Tax Act of 1958
is giving us a swell write-off...
[gust of wind]
[Muffled voice of executive]
...and our last debenture issue
was this year's fastest seller.
So, third quarter and year to date,
we have set a new record in sales,
a new record in gross,
a new record in pre-tax earnings,
a new record in after-tax profits,
and our stock has split twice
in the past year.
- In short...
- [watch winds]
...we're loaded.
- [Executives chuckle]
[Clears throat]
[Watch ticks]
Mr Hudsucker?
[Car horn]
[Car horn]
[Clock chimes, breaking glass]
[Screams]
- [Splat]
- [Screams]
[Clock chimes]
[Distant siren]
It's a pity to waste
a whole Montecristo.
- He could have opened the window.
- He never did anything the easy way.
But why did he do it?
Everything was going so well.
What am I, a headshrinker?
Maybe he was unhappy.
- He didn't look unhappy.
- Or rich.
Waring Hudsucker was never
an easy man to figure out.
He built this company
with his bare hands.
Every step he took was a step up.
- Except, of course, his last one.
- Sure, he was a swell fella.
But when the president, chairman
and owner of 87%% % of the stock
drops 44 floors...
- 45.
- Oounting the mezzanine.
...then the company, too,
has a problem. Stillson...
What exactly is the disposition
of Waring's stock?
As you know,
Hud left no will and had no family.
The company by-laws are quite clear.
His entire portfolio
will be converted into common stock
and sold as of the first
of the fiscal year following his demise.
- Meaning?
- Oontrol of the company
will be made available
to the public January 1st.
You mean any slob in a smelly t-shirt
will be able to buy Hudsucker stock?
- The company by-laws are quite clear.
- My God! You're animals!
[Sobs] How can you discuss stock
when the man has just leapt 45 floors?
- 44.
- Not counting the mezzanine.
Quit showboating, the man has gone.
The question is whether we're gonna let
John Q Public buy our company.
What are you suggesting, Sidney?
We can't afford
to buy a controlling interest.
Not while the stock is this strong.
How soon before
Hud's paper hits the market?
- January 1st.
- 30 days.
- Four weeks.
- Month at the most.
One month to make
the investment of the century
look like a ticket on the Titanic.
- We play up the fact that Hud is dead.
- Long live the Hud!
- We depress the stock.
- So we can buy 50%%% .
- 51.
- Not counting the mezzanine.
- It could work.
- It should work.
It's working already.
Waring Hudsucker
is abstract art on Madison Avenue.
What we need now is a president
who'll inspire panic in the stockholder.
- A puppet.
- A proxy.
- [Executive] A pawn.
- Sure, sure.
Some jerk we can really push around.
Punch in at 8.30 every morning,
except Mondays, punch in at 8 am.
- Punch in late, they dock you.
- To Seven, Mr Matuzak.
Incoming articles get a voucher.
Outgoing provide a voucher.
Any without a voucher, they dock you.
Take this to secretarial pool. ASAP.
Letter size, green.
Folder size, yellow.
- Parcel size, maroon.
- This is for Morgatross. Ohop chop!
Wrong color voucher, they dock you!
That is your employee number.
It will not be repeated.
Without your number
you cannot get your pay check.
This goes up to 27. Return a waiver.
Do not return without a signed waiver.
Inter-office mail is code 37.
Intra-office mail is 37-3.
Outside mail is 3-37.
Oode it wrong, they dock you!
Should have had this on 28
ten minutes ago. Oover for me.
This was your orientation.
Is there anything you don't understand?
If not fully oriented,
file a complaint with personnel.
File a faulty complaint
and they dock you!
[Whistles]
Kloppitt, Kloppitt, Kloppitt...
...Max Kloppitt...
...Max Kloppitt Junior...
What do you do when the envelope's
too big for the slot?
Well, if you fold them, they fire you.
I usually throw them out.
I just got hired today.
- Mm-hm. Terrific.
- [Norville] You know, entry level.
[Sorter] Tell me about it.
But... I got big ideas.
- I'm sure you do.
- For instance...
...take a look at this sweet baby.
I developed it myself.
Yes, siree. This is my ticket upstairs.
You know, for kids.
Terrific.
So, I won't be working
in the mailroom long.
No, I don't guess you will be.
- How long you been here?
- 48 years.
Next year, they move me up to parcels.
- If I'm lucky.
- [Tannoy] Attention, employees.
Attention, Hudsucker employees.
We regretfully announce
that at 30 seconds after the hour
of noon, Hudsucker time,
Waring Hudsucker, founder, president,
and chairman of Hudsucker Industries,
merged with the Infinite.
To mark this occasion of corporate loss,
we ask that all employees observe
a moment of silent contemplation.
Thank you for your kind attention.
This moment has been noted
on your time cards
and will be deducted
from your pay. That is all.
[Alarm]
- Blue letter!
- It's a blue letter!
They're bringing down a blue letter!
[Bell rings]
[Buzzer]
[Sorter] It's a blue letter.
Top, top level.
Oonfidential communication
between the brass.
Usually bad news.
They hate blue letters upstairs.
- Hate 'em!
- You!
Yeah, you, Barnes.
You don't look busy.
Think you can handle a blue letter?
This was sent down this morning by
the big man himself, Waring Hudsucker.
Addressed to Sid Mussburger,
Hudsucker's right-hand-man.
It's a blue letter. You gotta put it
right in Mussburger's hands.
No secretaries, no receptionists,
no colleagues, no excuses!
Mussburger!
[Ping]
My name's Buzz, I got the fuzz,
I make the elevator do what she does.
Hang it up to dry.
What's your pleasure, buddy?
- 44th.
- 44, the top brass floor.
Say, what takes 50 years
to get up to the top floor
and 30 seconds to get down?
Waring Hudsucker.
You get it? Say... Mr Klein, up to nine.
Mrs Dell, Personnel.
- Mr Leven, 37... Walk down.
- 36.
Ladies and gentlemen, step to the rear.
Here's the gargantuan Mr Greer.
Say, buddy, who's the most liquid
businessman on the street?
Waring Hudsucker.
When is the sidewalk fully dressed?
When it's "wearing" Hudsucker!
Get it, buddy? It's a pun,
a knee-slapper, it's a play on...
Jesus, Joseph and Mary,
is that a blue letter?
Why didn't you tell a guy?
Hold on, folks.
Express to the top floor.
[Elevator whooshes]
[Ping]
[Buzz] Good luck, buddy.
You're gonna need it. [laughs]
[Scraping]
[Clears throat]
Mr Mussburger's office?
[Clears throat]
[Quietly] Hello.
Do you have an appointment?
No.
Shall we look in the book? Hm?
- I wouldn't... be in the book.
- You don't seem to be in the book.
If we had an appointment,
we'd be in the book.
You see, I have this...
Here it is.
[Screams]
[Mussburger]
Gambotz? Harry Gambotz?
Too risky.
He's green, but he's not slow.
Who's he? No, I want an imbecile,
not a cipher, or you'd have the job.
No, they moved him to grommets
and o-rings. He's doing pretty well.
No, not McLenahan.
He bungled the Teleyard merger,
he's got something to prove.
Who let you in?
Atwater? Tremendous,
except I fired him last week.
[Secretary] Mr Mussburger,
Mr Bumstead's waiting downstairs.
Tell him I'll be right there.
- Spit it out!
- [Norville] I...
Yeah? Well maybe you're
the company's biggest moron.
We can't use Morris, he's been here
too long, has too many friends.
In fact, why don't you fire him?
Scratch that, I'll fire him.
Make it fast.
[Secretary] Mr Bumstead is restless.
I'll be there.
Give him a magazine.
- What are you, a mute?
- [Alarm clock]
How's the stock doing?
Bad, huh?
That's not bad enough.
Listen, chump.
Find me a Grade A ding-dong
or give me your key
to the executive washroom.
That goes double for you, pal.
Earclay? Oodgay.
[Newton's cradle clicks]
This better be good.
I'm in a bad mood.
I've got something for you
from the mailroom but first,
if I could just take a minute or two
of your very valuable time,
to show you something I've been working
on for the past two or three years.
You know, for kids.
Perfect for Hudsucker.
Not that I'm any genius.
They say inspiration
is 99%% % perspiration,
and in my case it's twice that.
But I gotta tell you...
Wait a minute!
[Grunts]
Hm.
Sit down, son.
Go ahead.
Try it out.
[Leather squeaks]
Put your feet up.
Go ahead.
Let's get to know one another, shall we?
Let's chat.
Man to man.
Now, then.
You're from the basement, aren't you?
And weren't blessed with much...
...education.
Well, I'm a college graduate.
But you did not excel in your studies?
Well, I made the Dean's List.
At the Muncie Oollege
of Business Administration.
Your friends called you jerk,
didn't they?
- Dope? Dipstick?
- No.
Lamebrain? Schmo?
Not even behind your back?
They voted me Most Likely To Succeed.
You're fired.
Get your feet off my desk.
Get out of my office.
Leave your apron in the locker room.
[Mussburger]
My God, the Bumstead contracts.
Nitwit. We've been working
on that for four years.
Get out of here.
You could've destroyed the most
sensitive document of my career.
[Secretary]
Mr Bumstead is threatening to leave.
I'm coming.
We need the first page of the contract
re-typed with copies to Legal Affairs.
Yes?
Out! Out of the office!
[Breaking glass]
Down three points? That's encouraging.
How about New York?
Not that way, through the door!
It'll take three hours
to re-type the contract.
Where are you going?
Get out of here. Stop that!
Mr Bumstead...
Not the whole contract,
just the first page.
I'll be there.
Give him another magazine.
- I'll be there.
- Your wife's trying to reach you.
Up on your feet. We don't crawl
here at Hudsucker Industries.
- My leg is on fire.
- No assumptions. It's early yet.
Let me know where we stand
at the closing bell.
[Ringing]
- Oh, my God, sir.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God, the Bumstead contracts.
No magazines, no coffee.
Mussburger. I wanna see Mussburger.
Or did he jump out of a window too?
Don't worry, Mr Mussburger.
I got you by your pants!
Pants.
Mr Mussburger, I'm going to
give your pants a nice double stitch.
It'll make 'em real strong
and you're gonna look real sharp.
- No, single stitch is fine.
- But double stitch, she last forever.
Why on earth would I want
a double stitch?
To pad your account.
Single stitch is fine.
Damn.
[Sings]
What the heck?
Mr Moosburger is such a nice man,
I'm gonna give him
a double stitch anyway. [chuckles]
That's some strong stitch, you bet.
[Laughter]
[Norville guffaws]
[Laughter]
[Mussburger laughs]
The Einstein of Enterprise.
The Edison of Industry.
The Billion-Dollar Oranium.
Idea Man.
Not one of you mugs
has given me a story on him.
Bunch of lamebrained... Facts,
figures, charts never sold a newspaper.
This morning's edition of the Argus,
I'd wrap a fish in it.
I'd use it as kindling.
I'd train my poodle on it,
if he wasn't a French poodle
and partial to Paris Soir.
I wouldn't shell out a nickel
to read the darned thing.
Ohief, give us a break.
Sure, Tibbs. Take a break.
Go to Florida. Lie in the sun.
Wait for a coconut to drop.
File a story on it.
Better than your piece
on the Oommie grain surplus.
The human angle,
that's what sells papers.
We need a front page with a heart.
The Idea Man can put it there.
If we had more access...
If a frog had wings
it wouldn't bump its ass.
I don't want excuses, I want results.
What makes the Idea Man tick?
Where's he from?
I want to know everything.
- Has he got a girl? Parents?
- Everybody has parents.
Right.
How many? How about it, Parkinson?
You've been awful quiet.
- Er...
- Still waters run deep.
Only things deep are his ear-holes.
Yes, Idea Man.
What are his hopes and dreams?
His desires and aspirations?
Does he think all the time
or a portion of the day?
What's his shoe size?
Where does he sleep?
Does he putjam on his toast or not?
If not, why not? And since when?
Well?
You're useless.
Yes, Idea Man.
Oreator. Innovator.
Oerebrator.
- [Woman] Fake.
- Huh?!
I tell you, the guy's a phony.
- [Ohief] Phony?
- As a $3 bill.
- Says who?
- Amy Archer.
Why is he an idea man?
Because Hudsucker says so?
Why can't anyone interview him?
Five buck says
she mentions her Pulitzer.
Again? You're on.
Take a look at the mug on this guy.
The simian forehead, the idiotic grin.
He has a face only a mother could love.
On pay day. The only story here is
how this guy made a monkey out of you.
Monkey or not, I'm still editor.
What about your FBI piece?
"When Will Hoover Marry?"
I filed it yesterday.
Do a follow-up:
"Hoover: Orime-buster or Pantywaist?"
The rest of you mugs
get me that Idea Man story.
Hal, he's the bunk.
I'll stake my Pulitzer on it.
[Pings]
Say, where'd you get the new duds?
How'd old Bucketbutt
like his blue letter?
Did he bust a gut? Die?
Hello, Mr Mussburger.
- Lobby. We haven't got all day.
- Right away, sir.
How are you this fine morning, sir?
It's been a pleasure
serving you today, sir.
Pleasure serving you, too... buddy.
Sid, shouldn't we be concerned
with the downward spiral of our stock?
You're the expert, but at Muncie...
Relax. It's only natural,
in a period of transition,
for the timid to run for cover.
You're the expert.
But do you remember the plan I outlined
the day I set fire to your office...
the day I was promoted?
I do remember, and I was impressed,
but that's all forgotten now.
Thank you.
I mention it because it would require
such a small investment.
- Again, you're the expert...
- Damn it, where's my car?
...demographics, baby boom,
burgeoning middle class...
I'd like to bounce the idea
off a few people.
Sure, sure. Whoever you want.
I'd like to hear about it, too.
[Tyres screech]
- I got gas, Benny.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
[Lou] No kiddin', Benny. I got gas.
- [Benny] You get the special?
- [Lou] Far from it.
[Door bell]
[Lou wolf-whistles]
Enter the dame.
[Benny] There's one in every story.
[Lou] Ten bucks says
she's looking for a hand-out.
[Benny] Twenty bucks says not here,
she don't find one.
- [Lou] Looking for her mark.
- [Benny] She finds him.
[Lou] She sits down... and orders...
a light lunch.
- [Benny] How will she pay for lunch?
- [Lou] She looks through her purse.
- [Benny] No money.
- [Lou] The mark notices.
- [Lou] He's not noticing, Benny.
- [Benny] Maybe he's wise.
[Lou] He don't look wise.
[Benny] Plan 2.
Here come the waterworks.
- [Lou] Yellowstone.
- [Benny] Old Faithful.
[Lou] Hello, Niagara.
- [Benny] He notices.
- [Lou] She's distressed.
- [Benny] He's concerned.
- [Lou] She explains her predicament...
[both] Enter the light lunch.
- [Benny] She's got other problems.
- [Lou] There's illness in the family.
- [Benny] Her mother needs an operation.
- [Lou] Urgently.
- [Benny] Adenoids.
- [Lou] No, Benny.
- [Lou] Lumbago.
- [Benny] That gag's got whiskers on it.
- [Lou] Uh-oh. He ain't bitin', Benny.
- [Benny] She's losing him.
- [Lou] Maybe he's wise.
- [Benny] He don't look wise.
- [Lou] How does she pull this out?
- [Benny] He's gettin' away.
- [Lou] She'd better think fast.
- [Benny] She isn't...
[both] She is!
- She's good, Benny.
- She's damn good, Lou.
Oan I get you boys anything else?
Bromo.
Bromo.
[Amy] Sorry about the stairs,
it was that horrible elevator boy.
I so much appreciate
your listening to my story.
I'm so lucky to find someone
with a stout heart and a ready ear.
There I was traveling the country.
Some I met were kind, others cruel.
Traveling by bus, rail, even thumb...
Oouch, please.
Hoarding dollars,
counting nickels, pinching pennies.
It's been a long road
to that coffee-shop.
Not that I'd trade a day,
an hour, a moment of it.
What came over me? The shock
of eating after so long without.
The enzymes kicking in after so long...
- [Norville pants]
- [Inaudible]
But you couldn't possibly know
what it is to be tired and hungry.
- [Wheezes] Hungry, anyway.
- I won't bore you with my story.
I'm jobless, not for want of trying;
friendless, no one to take care of me.
Had you not come along,
at the moment you did...
- [Norville] I...
- I arrived not ten days ago
full of dreams,
anxious to make my way in the world.
A little naive but with determination
and a solid work ethic,
and an indomitable belief in the future,
only to have that optimism
dashed against the modern workplace.
- Such is life. Seek and ye shall find.
- Oigarette?
No. Work and ye shall prosper.
The watchwords of my education.
The ethos of my tender years,
the values instilled in me
while I grew up in a town
you've probably never heard of.
Mind if I join you?
A dusty crossroads of which
you've probably never heard.
[Shrieks]
Excuse me, executive washroom.
- [Norville retches]
- Are you all right?
Is it your lunch?
The chicken la King?
[Norville] Oh, I...
- Is the la King repeating on you?
- [Norville] I'm fine. You were saying?
[Whispers] Er...
Values, watchwords, tender years...
A little town
you've probably never heard of.
Muncie, Indiana.
You're from Muncie?
Why, yes. Do you know it?
[Grunts]
[Grunts, squawks]
# Fight onl Fight onl
# Dear old Munciel
# Fight on, hoist the gold and blue
# You'll be tattered, torn and hurtin'
# Once the Munce is done with you
Go...
...Eagles!
[Both laugh]
A Muncie girl,
what do you know about that?
Tell you what. I'm gonna cancel my
appointments and get you a job here.
- Oh, no, really...
- Don't bother to thank me.
I know where a vacancy
just came up. Mailroom.
- [man] Yeah?
- Afternoon, this is Norville Barnes.
[Man] Barnesl Where the hell you been?
Where's my voucher?
Voucher...
I need that voucher. I told you
a week ago it was important.
- I'm president of the company now.
- I don't care if you're president.
I need the voucher nowl
Why don't you work with me? Are you
familiar with the mimeographic machine?
Of course. I went to the Muncie
Secretarial... Polytechnic.
A Muncie girl. Oan you beat that?
I don't know how to thank you,
Mr Barnes.
Please, Norville.
Go, Eagles!
[Amy] Go, Eagles!
[Smitty laughs]
What's the Munce? Holy Moly!
He's from Ohumpsville.
I pulled the old mother routine.
- Adenoids?
- Lumbago.
- That gag's got whiskers.
- Hudsucker is up to something.
Six-letter word:
Affliction of the hypothalamus.
It's a cinch. Goitre.
This guy isn't in on it.
- She's here.
- When's the late final?
Ohief.
Just the person I want to apologize to.
Seven minutes.
I was all wet about your Idea Man.
Well, thanks for being so generous.
It is human, and you are divine.
No, no. He's no faker.
He's a 100%% %, real McOoy,
beware of imitations, genuine article.
The guy's a real moron.
A five-letter word for imbecile.
As pure a specimen
as I've ever run across.
OK. If I'm not an expert,
my name isn't Amy Archer
and I never won the Pulitzer Prize.
In 1957.
My... Oh, my series
on the reunited triplets.
Oome here, hammerhead,
and I'll show it to you.
- Three letters: A flightless bird...
- Not now, I'm busy.
I said hammerhead, a ten-letter word
for a bullying newspaper man.
Gnu. G-N-U.
Who couldn't find the Empire
State Building with a guide.
Or is it emu? That's potatoes.
Here comes the gravy.
The chump really likes me.
A Muncie girl.
- Better off falling for a rattlesnake.
- He's a patsy, but what for?
There's a real story here,
some kind of plot, a cabbala.
- And did I tell you?
- Money?
- A sawbuck.
- 10 smackers! Let's grab a highball.
On Norville Barnes.
Oopy!
Miss Smith,
would you come in and take a letter?
Of all the cockamamie...
Did you see the front page
of today's Argus?
I didn't bother to read the article.
The picture didn't do you justice.
The picture's fine. It's what
that knuckleheaded dame wrote.
Of all the irresponsible...
Take this down.
Dear Miss Archer,
I call you "miss" because
you've missed the boat completely.
How would you know if I'm an imbecile
if you haven't the guts
to interview me man-to-man?
Ohange that to "face-to-face".
No, "eye-to-eye".
And guts to "decency".
Speculation about my intelligence,
preposterous inventions,
are better suited to the pages
of Amazing Tales Magazine.
If the editors of The Argus publish
the rantings of a disordered mind,
perhaps they will publish
this letter, but I doubt it,
as I doubt also you could find
a home at Amazing Tales,
a periodical
which I have enjoyed for many years.
Sincerely, etc, etc...
Is that all, Mr Barnes?
You know me better than this dame.
Am I an imbecile?
- Well, I'm sure I...
- Go on. Tell the truth.
I place a lot of stock in your opinion.
- Well...
- Sure, you're biased.
You're a fellow Muncian.
But let me ask you a question.
Would an imbecile come up with this?
I designed it myself.
This sweet baby's
gonna put Hudsucker right back on top.
Uh-huh.
You know, for kids.
- Why don't I just type this up?
- No, Amy, that won't be necessary.
I shouldn't send it.
She's just doing herjob, I guess.
I don't know.
Maybe she does deserve it.
Maybe she should
have faced you, man to man.
- She probably had a deadline.
- She still could've gotten your side.
- For the record.
- Well, what's the use of grousing?
Forget the letter,
I just had to blow off some steam.
She's probably just a little confused.
Oonfused?
Probably one of these
fast-talking career gals.
One of the boys,
know what I mean?
I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
Probably suffers from
one of these complexes.
She's probably very unattractive
and bitter about it.
- Oh, is that it?
- Probably dresses in men's clothing,
swaps drinks at the watering hole,
hob-nobs with a smooth-talking heel
in the newsroom named Biff or...
- Smitty.
- Exactly. And I bet she's real ugly.
Otherwise, they'd print her picture.
Maybe she puts her work
ahead of her personal appearance.
That's what she tells herself. But we
know she's a dried up, bitter old maid.
How about we grab dinner and a show
after work? Maybe The King and I?
How about Oklahoma?
You don't know a thing
about that woman, who she really is.
Only a numbskull thinks he knows things
about things he knows nothing about.
Say, what gives?
[Clock chimes]
[Steam hisses]
[Whistles]
[Elevator whirs]
Uh-huh.
[Steam hisses]
[Mussburger] The director...
...a slack market.
The inventory of the Jacksonville
facility should be reduced by 15%%% .
- Memo. From Sidney J Mussburger...
- [Moses] What you doing, Miss Archer?
Huh?
[Clanking]
Who are you?
How did you know who I am?
[Moses chuckles]
I expect old Moses
knows just about everything.
Leastways, if it concerns Hudsucker.
But who are you? What do you do here?
I keep the old circle turning.
This old clock needs plenty of care.
Time is money, Miss Archer.
Money drives that old global economy and
keeps Big Daddy Earth spinnin' around.
- Without that capital formation...
- [Amy] Yeah, yeah.
Say, you won't tell anyone
about me, will you?
I don't tell no one nothin'.
Unless they ask.
Thatjust ain't old Moses' way.
If you know everything about Hudsucker,
why was Norville Barnes made president?
That even surprised old Moses at first.
I didn't think the Board was that smart.
- That smart?
- But then I figured it out.
They figured Norville for an imbecile,
like some other people I know.
Why on earth would the Board
want a nitwit to be president?
Because they're little piglets.
They're trying to inspire panic.
Make the stock cheap
so they can snitch it up themselves.
But Norville, he's got
some tricks up his sleeve.
You know, for kids. [chuckles]
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, he's a smart one, that Norville.
I guess you don't know him
any more than that board does, do you?
- Maybe I...
- Only some kind of knucklehead
thinks she knows things
about things she...
...when she don't er...
- How'd that go?
- It's hardly the same.
Why, you don't even know your own self.
You ain't exactly
the genuine article, are you?
In connection with my job, sometimes
I have to go undercover, as it were.
I don't mean that.
Why are you pretending
to be such a hard old sourpuss?
Ain't going to never make you happy.
I'm happy enough.
[Guffaws]
OK, Miss Archer.
I got gears to see to.
[Laughs]
I'm plenty happy.
[Steam hisses]
Hello? [echoes]
- I can't print that.
- Why not?
The Board's using the guy,
depressing the stock.
Speculation.
They'd have my butt in a satchel.
- Satchel-butt.
- They'll buy that stock.
The stock's cheap.
What are they waiting for?
- I don't know.
- Amy's hunches are usually good.
You don't accuse someone
of stock manipulation on a hunch.
Readers aren't interested
in sensationalism, gossip.
Facts, figures, charts,
the tools of the trade.
It's as if you're trying to take
the heat off Barnes, gone soft on him.
[Smitty] That's a low blow.
Archer's not gonna
go gooey for an idiot.
All right. But you're out of line
with this stock story.
Get me more
"Moron from Sheboygan" stuff.
- Muncie.
- Whatever. That sells newspapers.
I got a harder story:
"Sap from the Oity Desk".
- Watch it!
- A dim-witted editor...
Hey! Easy, tough guy.
[Smitty chuckles]
- Does this suit look mannish to you?
- Sure, let's grab a highball.
Back off... Smoocher.
Say, what gives?
[Chatter]
[Mrs Mussburger] Enchanting!
[Mrs Mussburger]
A man of great managerial potency.
My husband is also a president,
Sears Braithwaite of Bullard.
- Do you know him?
- Your companion is an ode.
- [Mrs Braithwaite] Are you betrothed?
- Amy works at my office.
- She works the mimeograph...
- The folly of youth!
Those green, remembered hills.
That bourn
from which no traveler returns.
I once ran the mimeograph for Sidney,
though engaged at the time
to quelqu'un d'autre.
My water cooler romance
became a mad passion,
an amour fou, a folie deux.
[Chuckles]
I'm brushing up my French
with a charming man.
Pierre of Fifth Avenue.
Do you know him?
Sidney and I are planning a trip
to Paris and points continental.
[Both women laugh]
- Aren't we, dear?
- Sure, sure.
I'd like to borrow Norville for a while
if you don't mind, dear.
Oh, frankly, I...
You have a very charming wife,
Mr... Sid.
So they tell me.
Let me shepherd you
through some of the introductions.
Try not to talk too much.
Some of our biggest stockholders are...
Scratch that. Say what you like.
Shake hands
with Sears Braithwaite of Bullard.
Pleasure to know you, Barnes.
This is Zebulon Oardozo, one of our
largest and most loyal stockholders.
What's this about you being an imbecile?
What's ailing you?
Last week, my stock was worth
twice what it is now.
I'm thinking of getting out
unless I see a vast improvement.
What you got here is a range war.
You're gonna have to circle our wagons
or I'm getting out of your wagon train.
No need for concern. It's only natural
for the timid to run for cover.
- Yellow? I'll show you yellow, boy.
- Zebulon, you mind, now.
- Quit actin' like such an old grizzly.
- Step lively, here, Norville.
Sorry, Sid. I thought
if I showed him the long view...
This is Thorstenson Finlandson, who
heads a group of disgruntled investors.
Pleased to meet you. I studied
a little Finnish in high school.
I hope I'm not too rusty.
[Speaks Finnish]
[Screams]
Ladies and gentlemen,
members of the Board.
I give you the Rajah of Romance,
the Ministerio of Moonlight,
the incredible, the unforgettable,
Mr Vic Tenetta.
[Cheering]
Rajah, I like that.
# Take one fresh and tender kiss
[gasps]
# Add one stolen night of bliss
# One girl, one boy
# Some grief, somejoy
# Memories are made of this
# Don't...
Norville.
What happened?
Nothing. Just the more timid investors
are no longer running for cover.
- Let me look.
- Sid found me the ice pack
Let me hold it
or you'll have a real shiner.
I guess people are pretty hot
over this "imbecile" story.
I'm sorry.
It's not your fault. You're the one
person that's been standing by me.
Norville, there's something
I have to tell you.
You see, I'm not really a secretary.
- I know that, Amy.
- You do?
You're not very skilled
in the secretarial arts.
And I'm not that skilled as president.
- I put up a big front, but...
- I believe in you.
At least, I believe in your intentions.
I don't blame them, really.
I suppose I have made a mess of things.
They have to protect their investment.
Most of them are very nice.
You can't trust people here
like you did in Muncie.
Oertain people...
Ever go to the top of Larson's
feed tower and look out over the town?
- On Farm Route 17?
- Oh, yes, in Muncie.
No, in Vidalia. Farm Route 17.
Oh, yes. Seventeen, yes.
Well, no, I never...
Guys from the varsity squad
would bring their dates up there to...
...hold hands.
Oourse, I never made varsity.
There's a place I go now.
Oute place,
near my apartment in Greenwich Village.
It's called Ann's 440.
It's a beatnik bar.
You don't say! A beatnik bar.
You can get carrotjuice or Italian
coffee and the people there...
None of them quite fit in.
You'd love it.
Why don't you come there with me?
They're having a poetry reading
on New Year's Eve. I go every year.
Every year?
Well, this year, if it's good,
I plan to make it a tradition.
I... [chuckles]
My, it certainly is beautiful.
The people look like ants.
The Hindus say,
and the beatniks also,
that in our next life,
some of us will come back as ants.
Some'll be butterflies, others
elephants, or creatures of the sea.
What a beautiful thought.
What do you think you were
in a previous life, Amy?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe I was just
a fast-talking career gal
who thought she was one of the boys.
No. Pardon me for saying so,
but I find that very far-fetched.
That kind would come back
as a wildebeest or a warthog.
I find it more likely that you were...
...a gazelle.
With long, graceful legs,
gamboling through the underbrush.
Perhaps we met once,
a chance encounter in a forest glade.
I must have been an antelope or an ibex.
The times we must have had,
foraging together for sustenance.
Snorfling water from a mountain stream,
picking the grubs and burrs
from one another's coats.
Or perhaps we simply touched horns
briefly and went our separate ways.
I wish it were that simple, Norville.
I wish I was still a gazelle
and you were an antelope or an ibex.
Well...
Oan I at least call you...
...dear?
You're funny.
Seriously, it's what
your beatnik friends call "karma".
The great circle of life,
death and rebirth.
I think I heard of that.
What goes around comes around.
That's it, a great wheel
that gives us all what we deserve.
I gotta show Sid and the guys
I deserve their confidence.
Tomorrow's my big presentation
to the Board.
Kiss me, Amy.
Kiss me once for luck.
Sure, Norville. Sure.
Shh!
[Norville] You know, for kids.
It has economy, simplicity,
low costs, mass appeal,
and that means profitability.
I had R&D throw together this prototype
so our discussion had some focus
and to give you a first-hand look
at how exciting this gizmo is.
It's fun, healthy, good exercise,
the kids'll just love it,
we put a little sand inside
to make it more pleasant.
The great part is, we don't have
to charge an arm and a leg.
- What if you tire?
- Does it have rules?
- Oan more than one play?
- Is it a game?
- Will it break?
- It'd better break eventually.
- What if you tire?
- Oould we charge extra for batteries?
- Is it safe for toddlers?
- How'd you make it stop?
- Is it a boy's model?
- Oan parents assemble it?
- What if you tire?
- Is there a model for the obese?
- What the hell is it?
- Well, it's...
It's...
- It's erm...
- [Mussburger] Brilliant.
Genius.
It's just exactly what Hudsucker
needs at this juncture.
Even a blind man can tell you
there'll be enormous demand for this...
This...
Oongratulations, kid.
You've reinvented the wheel.
I'm gonna recommend that
we proceed immediately and that the...
...that the er...
...dingus be mass-produced
with all deliberate speed.
Although we realize,
of course,
as president,
the ultimate decision is yours.
Well, I'm for it.
[Bell rings]
[Whoosh]
[Whoosh]
[Ad man]
We'll call it The Flying Doughnut.
- The Dancing Dingus.
- The Belly-Go-Round.
- The Swingerina.
- The Wacky Oircumference.
Uncle Midriff!
- [Ad man] Something short.
- Sharp.
- A little jazz...
- The Shezammeter.
- The Hipster.
- The Daddy-O.
[Bell rings]
[Whoosh]
The Hoopsucker.
The Hudswinger.
- The Hoopsucker.
- The Hudswinger.
- Fellas, fellas...
- You got something?
Fellas, I've got something.
[Ticker-tape machine]
[Bell rings]
[Cheering]
[Cheering]
Wow!
[Pings]
Norville!
Rockwell News
presents Tidbits of Time.
World news in pictures. We kid you not.
As Old Man 1958
hobbles towards his finish,
Barnes is the name
on every American lip.
Norville Barnes,
young president of Hudsucker Industries,
a boy bred in the heartland
but now the toast of New York.
Barnes is the brainy inventor
of America's craziest craze,
the Hula Hoop, reaping
unprecedented profits for his company
and winning the hearts, and hips,
of every youngster in America.
Ho-ho. Did I say "youngster"?
Here's Mom taking a break
from her household chores.
And even Dad is swinging into the act.
Cards, letters,
congratulations come pouring in
from Kankakee to Petaluma,
including one very special
long-distance call.
He's on. He's on the line.
[Shouting]
- Hello?
- Hello, this is the President.
- My God, sir.
- I wanted to congratulate you.
I'm very proud of you.
Mrs Eisenhower
is very proud of you.
The American people
are very proud of you.
[Reporters] Mr Barnes, over here.
[Reporters shout]
How did you come up
with the idea for the Hula Hoop?
Well, it was no great idea, really.
A thing like this takes
a whole company to put together.
Did you think
there'd be such a huge response?
Frankly, I don't think anybody
expected this much hoopla.
[Laughter]
"Hoopla on the Hula Hoop."
Oan we quote you on that?
Sure, I guess.
Are you thinking of giving yourself
a nice fat raise?
[Norville] Oome on, you guys.
[Newsreel] What principle explains
the motion of this wheel of wonder?
The dingus is quite simple.
It works on the same principles that
keeps the Earth spinning around the sun
and that keeps you from flying off the
Earth into the cold reaches of space,
where you would die
like a miserable swine.
Yes, the principle is the same,
except for the piece of grit they put in
to make the experience more pleasant.
[Man] Yes, it's hula, hula everywhere.
From the parties
of the Park Avenue smart set...
to sweethearts who want
to be married in the "swing"of things.
Did the Board consider you an "Idea Man"
when it promoted you from the mail room?
I don't think it was because
they thought I was a schmo.
What's the next big idea for you
and Hudsucker Industries?
I don't know. An idea like this baby
doesn't come overnight.
I'll tell you one thing: I certainly
didn't expect all this hoopla.
You can quote me on that.
Rumpus Magazine calls you
the most eligible bachelor of the year
and you've been linked
with fashion model Za-Za.
We're just dear friends.
Isn't that right, Za-Za?
[Tyres screech, crash]
- [Meows]
- [Reporters whistle]
How do you respond to charges
you're out of ideas?
- Has Norville Barnes run dry?
- Not at all.
Just this week,
I came up with several ideas.
A larger Hula Hoop for the portly.
A battery option
for the lazy or spastic.
A model with extra sand for the
hard-of-hearing. I'm earning my keep.
Do you expect to get a raise?
By anyone's account, I single-handedly
have saved Hudsucker Industries.
Our stock is worth more than ever.
So I expect to be compensated for that.
[Train rattles]
[Sobs]
- Pull yourself together, man.
- Nobody told me.
You sold all our stock?
- We dumped the whole load.
- I had 20,000 shares.
- I'd be a millionaire now.
- Sure, sure, we'd all be millionaires.
There's no point looking back.
Stillson thought that dumping
our position would panic the market,
further depress the stock.
Then we could buy it back,
and more, once it got cheap.
Oheap? Oheap?
It's never been more valuable.
And I'm ruined.
Ruined.
Addison.
I'm getting off this merry-go-round.
Myron.
Plexiglas.
I had it installed last week.
[Plexiglas squeaks]
[Thud]
Myron?
All right.
So the kid caught a wave.
Right now,
he and his dingus are on top.
Well, this too shall pass.
Myrtle J Mussburger
did not raise her boy
to go knock-kneed
at the first sign of adversity.
I say we made this chump,
we can break him.
I say the higher he climbs,
the harder he drops.
I say yes, the kid has a future.
And in it
I see shame, dishonor,
ignominy, disgrace.
Sure, sure, the music plays,
the wheel turns,
and our spin ain't over yet.
[Massage gloves buzz]
For Pete's sakes. Norville.
[Norville] Where have you been hiding?
Do you know what those nincompoops
in the boardroom are doing?
- I wouldn't call them that.
- Discharge 8%% % of the workforce here.
In New York alone,
that's 1,800 people out of work.
With wives, children and families.
We're pruning away some dead wood.
- You mean you know about this?
- Know about it? Sure.
You think the Board would do it without
my authorization? It was my idea.
- Your idea?
- We're in a period of transition here.
- Things have slowed down.
- You're being kind to yourself.
The fact is you've slowed down,
sitting here like a sultan.
Ideas are the lifeblood of industry
and you haven't had one since the Hoop.
You've forgotten
what made your ideas exciting.
It wasn't for fame, wealth...
Would you get out of here?
You too, sisters, move it. Out.
I've been watching you, Norville Barnes.
- Amy, you...
- And I've noticed how you've changed.
I used to think you were a swell guy.
Well, I thought you were an imbecile.
- I'm...
- Then I found out you were a swell guy.
A little slow, but a swell guy.
Maybe you're not so slow,
but you're not so swell, either, and
it seems you're an imbecile after all.
You haven't talked to me for a week
and now I'm going to say my piece.
Look, I've never been dumped
by a fella before and that hurts.
What really hurts
is watching you outrun your soul.
Ohasing after money
and the respect of a board
that wouldn't give you
the time of day if you...
- Worked in a watch factory.
- [Laughs]
Shut up! Exactly.
Oh, Norville.
Remember how you felt about the Hoop?
You told me you were going to bring
a smile to the hips of America,
regardless of creed or color.
Finally there'd be a thing
to bring everyone together.
Even if it kept them apart spatially.
"You know, for kids."
Your words, not mine.
I used to love Norville Barnes.
Yes, love him.
He was just a swell kid
with hot ideas who was in over his head.
Now your head's too big to be in over.
- Oonsider this my resignation.
- Ow!
Effective immediately.
[Door slams]
[Singing from Carmen]
[Buzz] Buddy?
Buddy.
- [Norville snores]
- Oh, buddy.
Buddy. Say, buddy?
Buddy. Say, buddy?
[Grumbles]
- Buddy. You busy?
- What?
Looks like you nodded off.
Say, you got a minute?
- Buzz? Is this important?
- I like to think so.
It's this little idea I been working on.
I don't intend
to be an elevator boy forever.
Incredibly convenient, isn't it?
You know, for drinks.
This is how it works. It's got ridges
that give it its whammy.
You don't have to drink like this
anymore. You can drink like this.
I call it the Buzzsucker.
You get it, buddy?
People are dying for this
and we won't have to charge...
Wait a minute.
This...
...is worthless.
But, buddy...
It's the most idiotic thing
I've ever seen.
Nobody wants
a harebrained product like this.
You see, Buzz, it lacks the
creative spark, the unalloyed genius,
that made something like, say,
the [burps] Hula Hoop such a success.
What do you mean, taking up my time?
I've got a company to run.
[Laughs] But, buddy...
I can't have every deadbeat
on the Hudsucker payroll pestering me.
- I'm sorry, buddy.
- An example must be made.
What do you mean, buddy?
You're fired.
Is that plain enough for you, buster?
[Shrieks]
- Oh, buddy.
- And don't call me buddy.
Please, sir, this job,
running the elevator, it's all I've got.
It's OK if you don't like the
Buzzsucker, just let me keep my job.
- I'm praying to you.
- Get out of my office.
Get up. Up!
We don't crawl here
at Hudsucker Industries.
[Wails] I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry.
[Mussburger] Thank you, Aloysius.
[Mussburger] This is useful.
[Clattering]
Sorry I'm late, Sid. That back nine
at Riverdale is really murder.
[Mussburger] It's a tough course.
A real lollapalooza.
[Mussburger] Sit down, son.
I thought the boardroom would be
a swell place to chat, undisturbed.
It seems we've got some
security problems here at the Hud.
- You don't say.
- Ordinarily, I wouldn't bother with it.
But this is embarrassing.
It concerns you directly.
- How's that, Sid?
- It's not serious in itself.
Some elevator boy
that you fired came to me,
claiming that you'd stolen
the idea for the dingus.
You'd stolen it from him.
Well, he... I...
- Maybe I was a little rough, but...
- Forget it.
You don't have to explain.
He's a little person, he's nothing.
Fire whoever you want.
No. No, the problem is
who you hire.
That dame. A spy, as it turns out.
Must have gotten
to that elevator schnook.
And her paper is going to town.
Sure, sure, we tried to kill the story,
but The Argus won't play ball.
And the problem the Board will have
is you hired this woman,
you kept her on
while she was making a chump out of you.
Serious error ofjudgment.
Business is war, kid.
You take no prisoners
and you get no second chances.
So when the Board meets
after New Year's,
your position...
It looks like you're finished.
Washed up.
Oh.
The fourteenth hole at Riverdale.
Some use a mashie, some use a niblicker.
Niblicker.
Get more loft, more backspin.
That dame.
She got your throat pretty well slit.
When you're dead, you stay dead.
If you don't believe me,
ask Waring Hudsucker.
Tough luck, kid.
You had a short climb up
but it's a long way down.
"Stole the hoop idea..."
You can't print that.
We are printing it.
She hits the streets tonight.
And she's dynamite.
It's the bunk. Norville showed me
his design the day I met him.
Buzz couldn't have invented it.
He's an imbecile.
You're a broken record.
He did design it. Some kind of prodigy.
- Says who?
- We all have sources.
Smith's source is on the Hud Board.
Very senior and hush-hush.
I bet his initials are
Sidney J Mussburger.
You lost it. You're going soft.
Soft on the dummy from Dubuque.
- Muncie.
- Whatever.
The story's hot
and you're no longer on top of it.
It's the scoop of the century. The other
papers won't have it till tomorrow.
They'll be choking on our dust.
You're fools, both of you.
You're being used, don't you see?
Take a break. You worked hard
on this story. You broke it.
It's passed you by
and Smith is taking up the slack.
You want slack?
I'll give you slack.
You're not putting me
out to pasture. I quit.
- Oonsider this my resignation.
- [Thud]
Effective immediately.
Soft.
[Dr Bromfenbrenner] So, tell me, why do
you feel this woman betrayed you?
What's the difference?
[German accent]
The whole world is against you?
- I don't know.
- And the elevator boy, Buzz.
He too works against you?
[Norville] Well, yeah.
Olassic. The patient displayed
listlessness, apathy, indifference
and was blue and mopey.
When asked what
four Rorschach stains represented,
patient replied "Nothing much",
"I don't know", "Just a blotch"
and "Sure beats me".
Patient shows no ambition,
no get-up-and-go, no vim.
He is riding the grand loopen-ze-loop
that goes from
the height of delusional gaiety
to the trough of despair.
He's now near, but not yet at,
his lowest point.
When he reaches bottom he may erupt
and pose a danger to himself and others.
Diagnosis, Dr Bromfenbrenner?
Patient is manic-depressive, paranoid
type B, with acute schizoid tendencies.
So, patient is...
[Dr Bromfenbrenner] Precisely. Nuts.
- Prescription?
- Three things.
Oommitment,
electro-convulsive therapy,
maintenance in eine secure facilities.
[Applause]
[Slow jazz music]
[Man] Yeah, he's a tall guy. Real mess.
You better get down here.
Says he's a friend of yours.
No, he didn't say,
but, man, is he from Squaresville.
[Norville] M-A-R...
I want a martini. It's New Year's Eve,
I deserve a martini.
It's like I said, you can't...
I thought you served misfits here.
That's a roger,
but we don't sell alcohol.
What kind of bar is it?
Oan't get a martini.
It's a juice and coffee bar, man,
like I've been telling you.
Right. So, I want
a martini.
I've had a martini in every bar
on the way down here.
Martinis are for squares, man.
What did you call me?
You beatnik son of a...
Norville.
What? Oh, look who's here.
Amy Archer. Prizeitzer Pul winner.
Looking for a nitwit to buy you lunch?
- Norville...
- Bar fella.
- I'm sorry.
- I'd like a martini.
I tried to tell you so many times.
It's hard to admit
when you've been wrong.
If you could just find it in your heart
to give me another chance.
Ha!
You take no prisoners,
you get no second chances.
Please, Norville,
give me one more chance.
And yourself, too. We both deserve one.
Just give us a second chance,
and together we can fight this thing.
I know this story was a lie
and we can prove it.
Release a statement.
I can help you write it.
What's the difference?
I'm all washed up.
Extinct. Homo sapiens sapicus.
Well, thatjust about does it.
I've seen Norville Barnes,
the young man in a big hurry,
and I've seen Norville Barnes,
the self-important heel.
But I've never seen
Norville Barnes, the quitter.
And I don't like it.
"Fight on."
"Fight on, dear old Muncie."
"Fight on, hoist the gold and blue."
"You'll be tattered, torn and hurtin'
once the Munce is done with you."
"Go, Eagles."
You can't surrender, Norville.
Remember.
# Fight onl Fight onl
Dear old Muncie
# Fight on, hoist the gold and blue
# You'll be tattered, torn and...
You lied to me.
How could you lie to me?
You. A Muncie girl.
But, Norville, I...
When you're dead, you stay dead.
Just ask Waring Hudsucker.
Oh, Norville.
[Sobs]
Extra, extra.
New Year's Eve edition.
Barnes' brain caught red-handed.
Ideas ersatz.
Man from Muncie a moron after all.
Read all about it.
New Year's Eve edition!
Man from Muncie...
You're not so slow,
but you're not so swell either.
Looks like you're an imbecile after all.
Sure, sure. But your friend called you
dope, dipstick, lamebrain, schmo.
Please, buddy,
running the elevator, it's all I got.
[Eisenhower] Norville, you let me down.
You let Mrs Eisenhower down.
You let the American people down.
When you're dead, you stay dead.
- You stay dead.
- [Amy laughs]
Sure, sure.
The kid is screwy, it's official.
The barred-window boys
are out looking for him now.
We'll see how Wall Street likes the news
that the president of Hudsucker
Industries is off to the booby hatch.
When Doc Bromfenbrenner
gets through with him
he'll need diapers and a dribble cup.
- [All grumble]
- Well, if that's all...
[all] Long live the Hud.
[Music plays]
Why don't you watch where...?
Hiya, buddy.
Out on the town, huh?
Guess what, Mr Muss...
Sid says I can have my old job back.
- I deserve a second chance, he says.
- He did?
Turns out Old Bucketbutt
isn't so bad after all.
Buzz, that's wonderful.
He told me you stole that swell
Hoop idea from me. What gives?
- But, Buzz, I would never...
- Gee, that was a swell idea.
And Sid says you stoled it.
What are you waiting on?
Pop him one.
[Norville] But, Buzz...
[woman] He looks like a bum.
- Isn't he that lunatic?
- He's a menace.
- He's that big-shot faker.
- That Wall Street fraud guy.
Nuttier than a fruitcake.
[Woman] For heavens' sakes,
somebody call a cop.
[All gasp]
[All shout]
[Tramp]
Ring out the old and ring in the new.
Ring out the old and ring in the new.
[Tyres screech]
Where you going?
Ring out the old.
[Whoosh]
[Gust of wind]
[Newton's cradle clicks]
[Mussburger mumbles]
[Elevator pings]
[Gasps]
[Clattering]
Hey!
[Shrieks]
[Clock chimes]
Hey!
Hey!
[Groans]
[Screams]
[Laughs]
[Screams]
[Clanking]
[Clanking]
Strictly speaking,
I'm never supposed to do this.
But have you got a better idea?
# She'll be driving six white horses
When she comes
# We'll all have chicken and dumplings
When she comes
# We'll all have chicken and dumplings
We'll all have chicken and dumplings
# We'll all have chicken and dumplings
When she comes
# She'll be comin'round the mountain
When she comes
# She'll be comin'round the mountain
When she comes
# She'll be comin'round the mountain
She'll be comin'round the mountain
# She'll be comin'round the mountain
When she comes
# She'll be comin'round the mountain
I said, comin'round the mountain
# Oh, yeah, comin'round the mountain
When she comes #
Love that tune. How you doing, kid?
Mr Hudsucker?
How do you like that? They're all
wearing them upstairs. It's a fad.
Anyway, I see you've been having
some problems with the Board.
Sidney's putting
the screws to you, Norman?
Norville.
Say what you like about his ethics,
he's a balls-to-the-wall businessman.
Straight for the jugular.
Any particular reason
you didn't give him my blue letter?
Jesus, Norman, just a dying man's
last words and wishes. No big deal.
I must have mislaid it.
It's sitting in your apron pocket,
right where you left it.
Imbecile. Failure to deliver
a blue letter is grounds for dismissal.
- Jeez, I...
- I'm not going to add to your woes.
I'm just saying.
You want to read it?
Might learn something.
Might keep you from jumping out windows.
"Blue letter.
From the desk of Waring Hudsucker."
"To Sidney J Mussburger,
regarding my demise."
"Dear Sid, by the time you read this,
I'll be with the organization upstairs."
"An exciting new beginning.
I will retain fond mem..."
- Memories.
- "...of the many years we spent..."
Standard resignation boilerplate.
Go to the second paragraph.
"You will be wondering why I am ending
my tenure at Hudsucker and on Earth."
"Granted, from the standpoint
of our balance sheet, we're doing fine."
"But in my personal life
I have made grave errors."
"I have let my success
become my identity."
"I have foolishly played the great man
and watched my life
become more empty as a result."
"My vanity drove away she
who could have saved me."
"Oh, yes, I loved a woman once,
as you well know."
"A beautiful, vibrant lady."
"An angel who, in her wisdom,
saw fit to choose you instead of I."
- "Mr Hudsucker."
- [Mr Hudsucker wails]
[Mr Hudsucker]
Skip this part. [blows nose]
Next page. Next page!
[Whistles]
"This brings me to our company,
Sid, and its future."
"Our next president must have
the liberty I have had
to experiment and even fall...
Fail.
...without fear of the whims
of the stockholders or the Board,
- the president must be free to fall...
- Fail.
...and learn to fail...
- Fall.
...and rise again
by applying what he has learned."
"Such is business. Such is life."
"Accordingly, I hereby bequeath
all of my shares in Hudsucker Industry
to whomever you and the Board
shall elect to succeed me as president."
"I assume this will be you, Sidney."
"If not, if the Board chooses someone
else to be the new president, then..."
Tough titty toenails. [laughs]
That'll show the bastard!
[Laughs]
OK, go ahead.
"I urge you to work
with the new president
and remind him when he needs it that
failure should never lead to despair."
"That despair looks only
to the past, in business...
[squeaking]
And in love."
The future is now.
[Norville] "The future is now."
"When our future president needs it,
Waring Hudsucker hereby bequeaths him
his second chance."
[Screams]
- [Screams]
- [Laughs]
Deliver that letter in the morning.
[Laughs] Yahoo!
Yeah!
[Moses] And so began 1959.
The New Year.
When he learned Norville owned the
company, old Sidney was upset at first.
It's a good thing
Doc Bromfenbrenner was there,
Sidney?
'Cause he was able to keep Sidney
from harming his old self.
He prescribed a long rest
in a sana... in the sanatori...
in the booby hatch.
Now, Norville, he went on and ruled
with wisdom and compassion,
and started dreaming up
them new ideas again.
For kids.
I had the boys at R&D
throw together this prototype
so our discussion could have some focus
and to give you gentlemen a first look.
And that's the story of how
Norville Barnes climbed way up
to the 44th floor
of the Hudsucker Building,
and then fell all the way down,
but didn't quite squish himself.
You know, they say there was a man
whojumped from the 45th floor.
But that's another story.
[Laughs]