Human (2025) Movie Script
1
[audio logo]
- Stupitt.
[dramatic music]
[moans]
- Jesus!
Ah!
[popping]
[electronic music]
[rustling]
[suspenseful music]
[electronic music]
[electronic music]
[electronic music]
[suspenseful music]
- Seven days.
[scream, chewing]
- Fuck you, asshole.
It's really creepy in here.
Now is not the time to be
sending long-haired "Ring"
girls that fucking scream at me.
You cock!
[electronic music]
Damn, boy.
- And I can't wait to
see you, in the flesh.
[dramatic music]
- Fuck.
[knocks]
[knocks]
[knocks]
Stop fucking banging, asshole!
[knocks]
[suspenseful music]
- Hey--
[knocks]
--asshole, can you hear me?
Bang on this door one more
time, and you're fucking dead!
I don't know if you know this,
but this big ass building
is owned by a big ass
bastard with a big ass gun.
And his ass is just one phone
call away from your ass.
You understand?
- What if I told
you I can't die?
[suspenseful music]
- Aaron?
- Danielle?
Good, you can hear me.
I was worried these sultry
tones wouldn't quite penetrate
satisfactorily through this--
[knock]
--girthy door, which would
have been a real crying shame
'cause I got something
pretty important
that I think you should know.
When I want to get in,
I'm going to get in.
Lucky for you, I don't
want to get in just yet.
It's nice out here.
[phone ringing]
Cool breeze on a warm night.
Only one thing could
make it better.
[knock]
- You reached the mailbox of
Jacky Verde, Greenhouse Studios.
Say your words, and make them--
[phone ringing]
- You got a light?
A lighter.
- Are you fucking
out of your mind?
- [laugh] Kind of.
- You reached the mailbox of
Jacky Verde, Greenhouse Studios.
Say your words, and
make them quick.
[suspenseful music]
- What the fuck
do you want, man?
- Question don't apply.
- What?
- You heard me.
You sure you don't
got a lighter?
- What the fuck makes you think
I would give you a lighter?
- If I was an asshole,
I would have--
give me a fucking lighter!
--said it more like that,
along with a few derogatories
and some slurs.
[laugh] Oh, shit.
I had one all along.
I guess I can be on
my way after all.
- Happy for you.
- You want a smoke?
You need a light?
- No.
No, I do not.
- You sure?
- Very
- All right.
- Bye.
- 'Cause I could have sworn when
you wrapped a couple hours ago,
you gave one away to that
asshole director Russ Jefferson.
Then when Christina asked, you
were going to give her one too.
But it turned out you
only had one left.
So when you went out back to
smoke, you shared it with her,
didn't you?
Well, that was nice of you.
- You're the best.
Fucking lifesaver.
- Especially considering
that asshole.
- That asshole's been
trying to get in my pants
for three fucking weeks.
- Took an Ultimate and walked
away without even smoking it.
- I hope his truck catches
on fire and he fucking dies.
[laugh]
- Me too, honestly.
Asshole move.
Then she gave you
a cute little hug--
- Let's hang soon.
- --walked away, waved goodbye.
You enjoyed that
final drag, debated
walking to buy another
pack, decided not to,
snuffed it out on the concrete,
picked it up, threw it
in the dumpster.
Commendable.
And walked back inside.
You closed that door
behind you, of course.
But after that, ooh,
I can't quite recall.
Did you remember to lock it?
[dramatic music]
[suspenseful music]
[dramatic music]
[heavy breathing]
Forgot, didn't you?
- Who the fuck are you?
- Who do you want me to be?
- I want you to be gone.
[ambiance]
I know you're still
there, asshole!
I know you're going
to try to scare me.
Some loud fucking
noise, some jump
in front of the door bullshit,
screaming, yelling, ooh!
[knock] Trying to
make me shit my pants.
So just do it already.
You fucking ass clown.
[ambiance]
[dramatic music, buzzing]
- You were wrong.
- Little Dan?
Is this about the little
ladies room again?
I told you, it's in
the back, on the right,
the one with the sign on it
with the little lady denying
a peep to that fine gentleman.
- You weren't lying
when you told me
about that gun, were you?
[upbeat music]
- The big one?
- The big ass one.
- Little Dan, you know
I'm from Texas, right?
- Yes.
- Well, then you
should also know
a Texan may lie
from time to time.
But a Texan never
lies about his guns.
- Feel like shooting it?
- You in trouble?
- Someone's outside,
being real fucking creepy,
trying to get in.
- You lock the doors?
- Yes
- You're absolute?
Both of them, twisted
the right way, you know?
- Yeah.
- Good girl.
Don't worry then.
You'll be safe in the greenhouse
till Daddy Verde rides in.
Just in case--
[knocks]
--let me show you a
little something special.
[ambiance]
[suspenseful music]
That's the one.
- I think it's locked.
- Lean against it real good and
twist to the right, and jiggle.
Shove hard, strong.
Put that full chest into it!
- Ah!
- That a girl.
Now you sit your
little ass down and get
ready to jiggle some more.
No!
Don't you touch that!
That is a delicate machine.
You're going to have to slip
those fingers in on gently,
can have a little feel around,
if you know what I mean.
Now, I'm letting you in
on a little secret here.
So keep them pretty
little lips zipped.
Good.
You get it.
So once you can
see the desktop, I
need you to find a folder
called Rules And Regulations.
Now, when you find
it, click on it.
Well, double click on it.
Then I need you to navigate
to a document called
Follow These Rules.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit is right
because if you
don't follow these
core tenets and rules,
then what I'm about to bestow
into your delicate little hands
will get real
dangerous real fast.
And I want to make sure
them pretty digits don't
get no damage, you understand?
- Yeah, I understand.
- Good.
I'll wait till you're
finished reading
to give you a little
quizaroo, to make
sure you know what you need to.
And after that, assuming you
do, I'll show you my Lil Boo.
[dramatic music]
You finished yet?
Can you hear me, Lil Dan?
I'm waiting, Lil Dan.
- Oh, yeah, I'm finished.
[ringtone]
- Uh-uh-uh.
You didn't say the magic word.
Uh-uh-uh.
Uh-uh-uh.
[electronic music]
[buzz, dramatic music]
- Fuck.
[electronic music]
- I'll show you my Lil Boo.
[suspenseful music]
- Danny.
Can you see me?
Cause I can see you.
- This is insane.
What the fuck, Danny?
Why are you doing this?
Just call the cops.
Yeah, that's a
great idea, Danny.
Put the gun away.
Call the cops.
Wait around forever.
Give him time to break in, if
he hasn't already broken in.
[suspenseful music]
Please just be gone
already, fucker.
Just give up.
Get bored.
Get some sleep so I can too.
[ambiance]
[heartbeat]
- Lil Boo, eh?
If you're the Lil Boo, then
how fucking big is the Big--
Boo!
[gunshot]
[heavy breathing]
[dramatic music]
- Help me.
- Christina!
It's OK.
You're going to be OK.
- No!
Please, don't leave me.
- I'm not going to leave you.
I'm going to call
you an ambulance
and wait right here with you.
I'm going to stop the bleeding.
- I can't feel my tummy.
- Stop it!
Don't do that!
Just don't do anything, OK?
Just stop!
- So wet and goopy.
Isn't supposed to
feel like this, is it?
Are you seeing this?
Are you seeing this?
Can you see this right now?
- Just stop it!
Please stop i!
Don't do that!
- Didn't even do any drugs yet.
Am I dreaming?
- Yes, you're just dreaming, OK?
Everything's going to
be fine really soon.
- It's just fun.
Do you want to try?
- I just have to make
one quick phone call,
and then, yes, I
would love to try it.
OK?
- So squishy, like a teddy
bear full of gummy bears.
[screaming]
Huh.
It doesn't taste
like gummy bears.
- Fuck.
God damn it, Christina!
I lied.
You're not dreaming.
And if I can't get to my phone
to call you an ambulance,
you're going to fucking die!
- I'm not going to die.
- Christina?
- I am ready to come inside.
Is this not what you
wanted me to look like?
Did you want something
more like this?
[dramatic music]
[screaming]
[gunshot]
[ambiance]
[ambient music]
- Help me, please.
- Fuck.
I'm going to jail.
I'm going to fucking jail.
Fuck it.
- You have reached the
city of Los Angeles 911.
The next available operator
will answer your call.
You are the 68th
caller on the line.
[waiting music]
Estimated wait time, 25 minutes.
Your call is very
important to us.
- Fuck!
[screaming, suspenseful music]
[dramatic music]
Ah, what the fuck?
[screaming]
[gunshots]
[suspenseful music]
- Danny?
It's really cold down here.
Can I sleep in the bed with you?
Are we still going
to do that molly?
[gunshot]
[heavy breathing]
[gunshot]
[suspenseful music]
- I wasn't Cristina.
She wasn't real.
[squishing]
[drill]
[splashing]
[knock, ding, buzz]
[drill]
[ringing]
[drill]
[dramatic music]
- Fucking finally.
Am I going to have to get a
goddamn cell tower installed
on top of the greenhouse?
Unbelievable.
This ain't fucking Idaho.
You should have four fucking
bars at all fucking times.
Jesus Christ.
[upbeat music]
OK, Lil Dan.
I told you.
I fucking told you.
I don't provide,
and I don't want
to hear about no little
lady problems, all right?
You need Tampax?
You gotta bring that shit--
- Shut your fucking
mouth, Jack, and listen
to these words that are about
to come out of my mouth.
The greenhouse has
been compromised.
People tried to break in,
and now one of them is dead.
- You lying to me right now?
- Consider me an honorary Texan.
- What about the others?
- The others, I'm not sure.
But there's a fairly good
chance that there's something--
someone right here,
right in front of me,
right inside this
bathroom, listening.
[indistinct] can listen to
everything I'm saying right now,
waiting for the
perfect moment to--
- Shoot him!
Shoot him right now!
Shoot that son of a bitch,
then shoot him again!
Woo hoo!
- OK.
[gunshot]
[high-pitched ringing]
- Oh, you get him or what?
Shoot him again.
- Did you hear me?
- Oh.
Hey, now.
Yeah, I'll take cream with that.
Two pumps, nice and big.
- OK.
That'll be $73.14
- Are you fucking
kidding me, man?
- Don't worry, Lil Dan.
I got one for you, too.
I know the way you
ladies like it.
Pumpkin spice latte,
almond milk, none
of that good, real cow shit.
I made sure to ask for
kitty temperatures too.
I wouldn't want to see
my Lil Dan walking around
with no burnt little
lippies in her cute little--
- Stop calling me Lil Dan.
It's Danny.
Or it's fucking Danielle, you
creepy ass old fucking fuck.
- Shit, I ain't that
much older than--
- I saw your cameras,
dumbass, the ones zoomed in,
pointed right at me in bed.
I know all about that shit.
And everyone else
in this fucking town
is going to know about it too,
including your lovely fiance,
which I've heard so much about.
- Those cameras are for
security reasons only.
- Which is going to make
both maintaining this studio
and maintaining those wedding
plans, at the very least,
incredibly fucking
difficult. Or hopefully,
and more likely, extremely
fucking impossible
for you, Jack, unless you pay my
rent for the next full calendar
year.
And me and my friends get
to film here for free,
whenever the fuck we want.
And obviously, those
fucking cameras
are coming the fuck down.
And you're fucking perving ass
better get the fuck up here
right fucking now
to help me kill
this fucker before delivering
to me that pumpkin spice latte,
which, yes, I do fucking like
because everybody fucking likes
it because it's the
fucking pizza of fucking
flavored coffees, you fucking
patronizing goddamn fucking
asshole fucking fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck.
[upbeat music]
- Sir?
Sir?
Sir?
Sir?
Hello.
- [indistinct] Thank
you, little lady.
Miss.
Ma'am.
Thank you now.
Man, this is good.
You're right.
I mean, who wouldn't like this?
I like this.
- Did you just drink
my fucking drink?
- Uh, I can order you
another one if you want.
- Get the fuck here!
Also, even if this was
blood from my cunt,
don't be a pussy little
bitch about it, bro.
Fucking gross.
- Are you OK, Danny?
I know you haven't responded,
which means you probably
don't want to talk
to me right now,
but I just need you to
know that I do care.
And I do want to know
that you're safe.
And even if you hate
me right now, please,
can you just let me know?
[flushing]
- Seven days.
I wouldn't push
that if I were you.
Looking for me?
I'm out.
[suspenseful music]
[squishing]
- Hello.
- This cannot be real.
This could not be fucking real.
- It hurt.
[indistinct] It's real.
And so was I, before the rest
of me was quite dead, wasn't I?
You really loved me, didn't you?
You want to know how I know?
- Do you want to
know how dead you'll
be from this gun at this range?
- I already know that.
I love my wedding
ring, by the way.
Such a special bond between
us special little babies,
a bond that will last forever.
- Real good at spouting
fucking nonsense.
Are you proud of yourself?
- Not yet, but I will be.
You do know that this little
lady is holding the little gun,
right?
- Little finger?
- There's a bigger
one coming for you.
The real you.
- Trigger finger?
- Much bigger.
- But?
- You know, it's really too
bad the real you couldn't
be here right now.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
- Why is that?
- This would be a real fucking
fun to shoot you in your dick,
with the little gun.
[dramatic music]
Couldn't have put
it better myself.
[buzz, ding]
- I thought you
were going to pull.
- You thought wrong.
- You thought wrong.
I'm just a little lady here.
You're a full-bodied little
lady, with a cute little gun.
What could I possibly do?
- I'm sorry.
I didn't get that.
- Shut the fuck up, Siri.
Same goes for you.
What are you?
- Now that you've killed me,
you already forgot what I am?
- Fucker.
You know what I mean, bitch.
What are you trying to do?
- Ring finger.
- Stop playing
games and answer me.
- I did.
[dramatic music, gunshots]
I'm so proud.
My brand new wedding ring's
got such a big, fat rock.
And now, forever, I'll wear you.
I'll love you.
I'll finger you.
I'll fuck you, stay inside
of you, control you,
and never, ever let go of you.
- [scream] This is real fucking
funny for you, isn't it?
- No.
- That's a shame because
it's about to be real
fucking funny for me.
- No, the funny thing is, while
you've just been chatting away
within these five
Christina fingers,
I'm beginning [indistinct] 1 and
10, and even Jack is all set,
moving, to do a
whole [indistinct].
Yeah.
[gunshot, screaming]
[dramatic music]
[dinging, buzzing]
- Stop fucking texting me!
[screaming]
Fucking damn it.
[squishing]
Yes!
[heavy breathing]
[scream]
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ah!
God damn it, Christina!
[dramatic music]
Christina.
If you're in there, please--
[squirting, screaming]
You fucking bitch!
Ah, fuck you!
[laugh]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC, GRUNTS,
SCREAMING]
[squirting]
Goddamn it!
Fine!
Siri, answer the fucking call!
- Danielle, I'm real sorry.
I need to apologize--
- Jacky!
- --for my language--
- Jacky!
--my tone, for my clear
and utter disrespect.
- Jacky, shut the fuck
up and listen to me.
- You're an incredible
woman, Danielle.
You don't deserve this.
You deserve the
honest Texas truth.
- Stop!
- The truth I wasn't
able to give, a truth I
could never give.
- Fucker, you listen to me!
- Because--
- Can you fucking hear me?
- --I'm not even a real Texan.
- Are you almost here?
- But I shall try to improve.
I didn't mean to offend
in such a manner.
It was an accident, one I
clearly shouldn't have made.
One that can also be
part of the problem
that I created between you and
I, stems from a problem caused
by my lovely fiancee, a
simple problem of disrespect,
disrespect I should
have unleashed upon her.
But instead I delivered to you.
And same, of course,
goes for the cameras.
I know it may seem
unforgivable, but considering
my circumstances, I feel
like it has to make sense.
It needs to make sense to be
understandable, even to you.
It has been not one, not two,
not three, not four, not five,
not six, but seven--
- Fuck it!
- Seven long, dry months.
- I can live with one leg.
- Because my soon to be misses,
as lovely as she may be,
has allowed me even the
slightest peek at her fur-free
fanny underneath those
nefarious knickers.
- God damn it, Jacky!
- The opportunity arose
to have a lovely lady such
as yourself stay the nights in
my beautiful house of green.
How could I deny myself
such a harmless little pig?
I apologize that you found out.
- Fuck you.
- But I promise you, the
visuals were for my eyes only.
Such beauty was not
meant to be shared.
And I promise you even
more, you should not
be ashamed of what I saw.
- I'll make it work.
- It was a magnificent
sight, your sleeping form.
And beautiful as your
smile in the day.
- You have to do it.
- And of course, yes, That's
not all that was [indistinct].
But once again, no
shame is required.
I'm fully aware that you
ladies have certain needs, just
like us men.
Things go in, and yes, of
course, they must come out.
When the balls go dry,
they're quite beautiful.
I may not be a Texan, but
on this I could not lie.
You're meant to
be seen, so I did.
I watched, adored,
gave applause,
that most natural of delights.
- Oh, you fucking asshole!
- Imagine the taste.
Imagine the smell.
I dreamed of the impossible.
Could it ever be made real?
[squirting]
- Once you spray,
you got to bidet.
- Well, I was too scared.
Never ask.
Never do.
But perhaps on this night, on
this strange, wonderful night,
that you need me to arrive,
that you need me to save you.
As a reward, like the quest for
the center of a Tootsie Roll
pop, could I have
just one lick of
that pleasurably pink,
boisterously brown explosion
of the most--
[screaming]
--delectable, most
mouthwatering of flavors?
[slurping]
Ah.
[squirting]
Or perhaps a few licks.
Find out how many it
takes to get clean.
[screaming]
No need for the toilet, pumpkin.
[squirting, screaming]
[ambient music]
[electronic music]
- Thank you for
accepting my apology.
I shall be arriving soon,
and I look quite forward
to tasting your--
[beep]
[dramatic music]
[gunshot]
- God damn it.
That was my favorite shirt.
[suspenseful music]
[knocks]
- I told you, when I want
to get in, I'd get in.
Curious, aren't you?
I like that.
[knocks]
No need for the gun.
She's quite dead.
You made sure of
that, didn't you?
- Stop with the shit!
- You made sure of that, too.
- How about you show
yourself, asshole?
Show me what you really are.
No more of this fake
friend bullshit.
- You think she's an imitation?
I admit, I may have caused a
few unnatural events to occur.
But I promise you, the girl
in the bed, that is Christina.
She's real.
She's human.
She's your friend.
Or rather, she wasn't real.
Once human, once your friend,
until you shot her dead.
[gunshot]
Not so human anymore, is it?
Christina wasn't even
part of tonight's plan,
just a happy little accident,
a girl who couldn't sleep.
Wanted a fucked-up night,
and I'd say she got it.
She brought you another
pack, by the way.
Kindness just never
pays off, does it?
- Fuck you.
- You can run if you'd like,
but you won't get away.
- You talk a big
fucking game, asshole.
But you can't do anything
yourself, can you?
It's pathetic.
You're all bark and
no fucking bite!
- Oh, the bite will
come, I assure you.
[knocks]
You're just not quite ready yet.
- Hey, Danny.
Danny.
Yeah.
I'm sorry if I came
off creepy earlier.
I-- I didn't mean to do that.
I didn't mean to
scare you, either.
[ambiance]
I'm sorry if it's weird
I came here like this.
I just really wanted
to see you again.
I didn't feel like waiting.
- Aaron?
- Yeah.
I mean, who else would I be?
Nacho fries.
Shitload of fire sauce.
[electronic music]
[gunshot]
- I got him!
Boom!
I told you I'd save you.
[gunshot]
[groans]
[gunshot]
- I'm going to get
you out of here, OK?
Aaron.
Come on.
Please stay with me.
I'm going to call
an ambulance, OK?
You just sit right here
and wait for me, all right?
[gargling, gasping]
- I really did miss you.
I can tell that
you missed me too.
It's been too long.
[crying]
[scream]
[knocks]
- Now you are complete.
- Why?
Why?
[suspenseful music]
- Exhilaration.
- Goddamn fucking
asshole, fucking--
[knocks]
- Anger.
Surprise.
- Boo!
[gunshot]
- Disgust.
- Asshole!
[squirting]
- Danny?
- Heartbreak tastes good
in a place like this.
[suspenseful music]
I've crafted a
masterpiece in hell.
One I cannot wait to devour.
The whole human experience,
cooked to perfection-- mwah.
--over 1 beautiful night,
every emotion so very
fresh in your
delicate little mind.
Five delicious flavors,
each one drenched in fear.
- What are you?
- Does it matter?
Does your dinner ever
ask you the same?
- That's it.
You did all of this because
you're fucking hungry?
- Famished!
I have starved myself
for a very long time
in preparation for this meal.
For eternities, I have waited
[indistinct] with desire
for this climax of emotions.
Every second for you,
human, a lifetime for me.
So imagine my anticipation.
Hmm?
- This isn't the full
human experience.
- Oh?
- You forgot the best part.
- Enlighten me.
- Desert.
That rush of
chemicals in the brain
that every human must feel in
the exact moment that we die.
[gunshot]
[sizzling]
[suspenseful music]
- Don't you worry, little girl.
On your confirmation, once
every last bite of you
is devoured, swallowed
and digested,
you will feel that
chemical rush.
And I will savor my desert.
- And what if the
meal gets spoiled?
- You just added to the flavor.
Improvisation.
And failure.
I like.
[dramatic music]
Would you like to add more?
Oh.
Boring.
Look at this place.
You are in a film
studio, Danielle,
where emotions are born,
crafted for consumption,
remembered by all.
The recipe is just right,
never to be forgotten.
So try and be a
bit more creative.
- I give up.
- Boring.
[suspenseful music]
After everything
you've been through?
- I can't win.
You're a God, right?
- And so much more.
- And I'm just a lowly human.
Nothing more.
But I do have one final request.
If you'd be so kind,
may I have a last meal
before I become yours?
I'm fucking starving.
- What would you like?
Something savory,
or something sweet?
- Just something simple, really.
Just a little bedtime snack,
I guess, with a glass of water
to wash it down.
- Shall I surprise you?
- I do like a good surprise.
But I think I'm pretty
surprised-out for the night.
Can I have my pumpkin
spice from outside instead?
Perfect.
Almost perfect.
Actually, can I surprise you?
I just think it'll
be fun fun for you.
I mean, it just
doesn't seem like you
get surprised very easily.
Like, I was thinking, what if
I described to you what I want,
and you just listen to
my voice, my description,
and see if you can figure
it out and make it appear?
And then when you
reveal it to me,
I'll let you know
if you got it right
by just the emotion on my face.
Just a little appetizing
surprise before your full meal.
For example.
Did you get it
absolutely correct?
Exhilaration.
Is it something that I hate?
Anger.
Is it something that I didn't
even know that I wanted?
A surprise, surprise.
Or is it something that I
find completely disgusting?
Or is it something that's
so close yet so far away?
Heartbreak.
Or maybe it's something
that's just so outrageous
that I would be terrified to
even think about eating it.
[applause]
- Yes.
[suspenseful music]
You try to kill yourself
again, and I promise,
your meal will be so
very full of pain.
- Trust me, I don't want to die.
Do you believe me?
Good.
You're not cheating.
So I'm thinking of
something bitter,
with a real nasty taste, like
I'm talking just unexpectedly,
how could something like
this taste so goddamn
bad, kind of taste.
[heartbeat, static]
It would honestly be the
perfect end to the most--
to the most terrible
fucking God awful nightmare
night of my life.
Wouldn't you say?
Do you know what it is?
I didn't say I was
going to make it easy.
Ooh, I can't wait to see.
She can't wait either.
- I will never forget
this night, Danielle.
Your emotional recipe was
perfected and then improved
by the unexpected.
It's almost a shame that in a
few more anticipatory moments,
everything you are will be
reduced to a fragment of flavors
digesting inside of me.
Shall we see if I was correct?
[suspenseful music]
[electronic music]
- Do you know what
I'll never forget?
- What's that?
- That rocks are cool.
Rock are cool.
Rocks are cool.
Do you like rocks?
A-- wait, what was your name?
Do you even have a name?
It doesn't matter.
When they're really
smooth, and you just
put them on top of a
hill and push them down.
Push them down.
Ooh.
Push them down.
And they roll.
They roll hard.
They roll good.
I like that.
Oh, I love rolling.
Fucking love it.
Wait, what were we talking abou?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck, I forgot again.
Oh.
[suspenseful music]
Mm.
[chimes]
Why are you holding
your hands like that?
Boo!
[laugh] Surprise.
- Ah!
What have you done?
What have you done?
- So you had nothing?
What was in there?
Really, nothing?
You didn't even try?
Oh.
Oh, it's OK.
It was a hard one.
I honestly didn't
think you would get it.
But I didn't need you to
make it for me because--
aw, shit.
I had one.
Oh, I had a lot,
actually, not just one.
But now it's all gone.
Man, it is funny how such a tiny
bit of chemicals can just-- pow,
pow, pow, pow, pow, pow.
--just make that fucking
serotonin explode.
Fuck, yes.
Fuck, yes.
Fuck, yes.
Ecstasy's a pretty
fucking accurate name,
if I do say so myself,
'cause I feel--
[laugh] I mean, am I
completely useless right now?
Can I remember-- thing, things?
Hell no.
But I don't give a fuck.
Why would I?
Because all that
shit that I don't
want to deal with just washed
right ain't the fuck away.
[electronic music]
Oh, man.
God.
You look so fucking
sad right now.
[sobbing]
You were so happy before.
Aw.
I would give you some if I
had any left, but I feel you.
Don't you worry.
I feel you, baby.
There's no happy
ending for me either.
There's dead bodies everywhere.
They're my friends, dude.
And I killed them.
I mean, at least
as far as anyone
who's not a God will believe.
[chimes]
So tomorrow-- I mean, if
I even live to see it.
Who the fuck knows?
--it is going to be
a hell of a bad day.
My life is over.
You ruined it.
So thank you for that.
[sobbing]
Sucks, but it happens.
One whole lifetime--
[vocalizing] --down the drain.
But-- [clicking] --you
what I was thinking,
is how many lifetimes
did I just ruin for you?
We can find out.
OK.
So, ready?
If seconds for me is 60 seconds
times 60 minutes, 36 zeroes.
No, it's got to be
more than that, right?
Times day.
So that's 24.
No, it's got to be
longer than that, right?
You said a long time.
One day of lifetimes?
That's nothing.
So times seven-- no,
it's got to be big.
It's got to be more.
Like a month?
Times 4.
Whoa, that is a lot of commas.
Two commas.
Two comma four million.
Million.
Now, that is big.
Now, that deserves some tunes.
[upbeat music]
Bigger.
Like a year?
OK.
Times 12.
No, two years.
Let's say two.
Times two equals-- oh, boy.
That is a big one.
But 58 times 1--
2 million.
You are almost going
Jurassic, baby.
[roar]
[laugh]
No, no, no.
Wait.
No, no, no.
That's lifetimes, not years.
Hey, Siri.
What is the average
lifespan of a mere human?
- The average lifespan of a
human being is 73.5 years.
- Hey, not great.
But still, times 73.5 is--
oh, dang.
1, 2, 3.
That is a ruin 4.2 billion
years in the making.
Now, that is some
epic disappointment.
[sobbing]
Hey, you got a light?
Oh, never mind.
Duh.
You know, tomorrow is
really, really going to suck.
But at least right
here right now--
["so shiny and so smooth"]
--before it all goes to hell,
again, I really shouldn't be,
but I'm just having
a God damn good time.
[vocalizing]
(SINGING) Rocks are cool
Rocks are cool
So shiny and so smooth
They make my brain stem dream
Rocks are cool
Rocks are cool
Slide into my heart
They make me act a fool
Amethyst, basalt
Crystalline diamond
Ecstasy [indistinct]
Hematite, igneous strain
Kryptonite, limestone
Methylenedioxymethamphetamine
Methylene
Obsidian, pearl
Quartz, rockstar
Sandstone, topaz
[indistinct]
Volcanic ash
[indistinct]
- Your call is very
important to us.
- It's really the only
beach we go to in St. Louis
because the atmosphere
is always super cool.
The water feels great.
The rocks are cool.
We love it.
- (SINGING) [indistinct]
Rocks are cool
Rocks are cool
Slide into my heart
They make me act a fool
Pyramids [indistinct]
Jewelry [indistinct]
El Capitan
[indistinct]
Mount Everest, Stonehenge
Ecstasy of St. Theresa
The Greatest Sphinx
of [indistinct] Giza
Machu Picchu
Medias
Extinction of the dinosaurs
Concrete freeways
Countertops, paperweights
Candle holders
Marble flooring
Limestone [indistinct] drawing
Done by Michelangelo
[indistinct] and Venus de Milo
Roman Coliseum
And get me high
You can't curse me, baby
Gold
You can't drive insane
Give me gold [indistinct] stones
I'll never be the same
Too much table salt
[indistinct]
That is not my fault
But it doesn't matter
Doesn't change a fucking thing
Rocks are cool
Rocks are cool
So shiny and so smooth
They make my brain stem droop
Rocks are cool
Rocks are cool
Slide into my heartbeat
Make me act a fool
[audio logo]
- Stupitt.
[dramatic music]
[moans]
- Jesus!
Ah!
[popping]
[electronic music]
[rustling]
[suspenseful music]
[electronic music]
[electronic music]
[electronic music]
[suspenseful music]
- Seven days.
[scream, chewing]
- Fuck you, asshole.
It's really creepy in here.
Now is not the time to be
sending long-haired "Ring"
girls that fucking scream at me.
You cock!
[electronic music]
Damn, boy.
- And I can't wait to
see you, in the flesh.
[dramatic music]
- Fuck.
[knocks]
[knocks]
[knocks]
Stop fucking banging, asshole!
[knocks]
[suspenseful music]
- Hey--
[knocks]
--asshole, can you hear me?
Bang on this door one more
time, and you're fucking dead!
I don't know if you know this,
but this big ass building
is owned by a big ass
bastard with a big ass gun.
And his ass is just one phone
call away from your ass.
You understand?
- What if I told
you I can't die?
[suspenseful music]
- Aaron?
- Danielle?
Good, you can hear me.
I was worried these sultry
tones wouldn't quite penetrate
satisfactorily through this--
[knock]
--girthy door, which would
have been a real crying shame
'cause I got something
pretty important
that I think you should know.
When I want to get in,
I'm going to get in.
Lucky for you, I don't
want to get in just yet.
It's nice out here.
[phone ringing]
Cool breeze on a warm night.
Only one thing could
make it better.
[knock]
- You reached the mailbox of
Jacky Verde, Greenhouse Studios.
Say your words, and make them--
[phone ringing]
- You got a light?
A lighter.
- Are you fucking
out of your mind?
- [laugh] Kind of.
- You reached the mailbox of
Jacky Verde, Greenhouse Studios.
Say your words, and
make them quick.
[suspenseful music]
- What the fuck
do you want, man?
- Question don't apply.
- What?
- You heard me.
You sure you don't
got a lighter?
- What the fuck makes you think
I would give you a lighter?
- If I was an asshole,
I would have--
give me a fucking lighter!
--said it more like that,
along with a few derogatories
and some slurs.
[laugh] Oh, shit.
I had one all along.
I guess I can be on
my way after all.
- Happy for you.
- You want a smoke?
You need a light?
- No.
No, I do not.
- You sure?
- Very
- All right.
- Bye.
- 'Cause I could have sworn when
you wrapped a couple hours ago,
you gave one away to that
asshole director Russ Jefferson.
Then when Christina asked, you
were going to give her one too.
But it turned out you
only had one left.
So when you went out back to
smoke, you shared it with her,
didn't you?
Well, that was nice of you.
- You're the best.
Fucking lifesaver.
- Especially considering
that asshole.
- That asshole's been
trying to get in my pants
for three fucking weeks.
- Took an Ultimate and walked
away without even smoking it.
- I hope his truck catches
on fire and he fucking dies.
[laugh]
- Me too, honestly.
Asshole move.
Then she gave you
a cute little hug--
- Let's hang soon.
- --walked away, waved goodbye.
You enjoyed that
final drag, debated
walking to buy another
pack, decided not to,
snuffed it out on the concrete,
picked it up, threw it
in the dumpster.
Commendable.
And walked back inside.
You closed that door
behind you, of course.
But after that, ooh,
I can't quite recall.
Did you remember to lock it?
[dramatic music]
[suspenseful music]
[dramatic music]
[heavy breathing]
Forgot, didn't you?
- Who the fuck are you?
- Who do you want me to be?
- I want you to be gone.
[ambiance]
I know you're still
there, asshole!
I know you're going
to try to scare me.
Some loud fucking
noise, some jump
in front of the door bullshit,
screaming, yelling, ooh!
[knock] Trying to
make me shit my pants.
So just do it already.
You fucking ass clown.
[ambiance]
[dramatic music, buzzing]
- You were wrong.
- Little Dan?
Is this about the little
ladies room again?
I told you, it's in
the back, on the right,
the one with the sign on it
with the little lady denying
a peep to that fine gentleman.
- You weren't lying
when you told me
about that gun, were you?
[upbeat music]
- The big one?
- The big ass one.
- Little Dan, you know
I'm from Texas, right?
- Yes.
- Well, then you
should also know
a Texan may lie
from time to time.
But a Texan never
lies about his guns.
- Feel like shooting it?
- You in trouble?
- Someone's outside,
being real fucking creepy,
trying to get in.
- You lock the doors?
- Yes
- You're absolute?
Both of them, twisted
the right way, you know?
- Yeah.
- Good girl.
Don't worry then.
You'll be safe in the greenhouse
till Daddy Verde rides in.
Just in case--
[knocks]
--let me show you a
little something special.
[ambiance]
[suspenseful music]
That's the one.
- I think it's locked.
- Lean against it real good and
twist to the right, and jiggle.
Shove hard, strong.
Put that full chest into it!
- Ah!
- That a girl.
Now you sit your
little ass down and get
ready to jiggle some more.
No!
Don't you touch that!
That is a delicate machine.
You're going to have to slip
those fingers in on gently,
can have a little feel around,
if you know what I mean.
Now, I'm letting you in
on a little secret here.
So keep them pretty
little lips zipped.
Good.
You get it.
So once you can
see the desktop, I
need you to find a folder
called Rules And Regulations.
Now, when you find
it, click on it.
Well, double click on it.
Then I need you to navigate
to a document called
Follow These Rules.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit is right
because if you
don't follow these
core tenets and rules,
then what I'm about to bestow
into your delicate little hands
will get real
dangerous real fast.
And I want to make sure
them pretty digits don't
get no damage, you understand?
- Yeah, I understand.
- Good.
I'll wait till you're
finished reading
to give you a little
quizaroo, to make
sure you know what you need to.
And after that, assuming you
do, I'll show you my Lil Boo.
[dramatic music]
You finished yet?
Can you hear me, Lil Dan?
I'm waiting, Lil Dan.
- Oh, yeah, I'm finished.
[ringtone]
- Uh-uh-uh.
You didn't say the magic word.
Uh-uh-uh.
Uh-uh-uh.
[electronic music]
[buzz, dramatic music]
- Fuck.
[electronic music]
- I'll show you my Lil Boo.
[suspenseful music]
- Danny.
Can you see me?
Cause I can see you.
- This is insane.
What the fuck, Danny?
Why are you doing this?
Just call the cops.
Yeah, that's a
great idea, Danny.
Put the gun away.
Call the cops.
Wait around forever.
Give him time to break in, if
he hasn't already broken in.
[suspenseful music]
Please just be gone
already, fucker.
Just give up.
Get bored.
Get some sleep so I can too.
[ambiance]
[heartbeat]
- Lil Boo, eh?
If you're the Lil Boo, then
how fucking big is the Big--
Boo!
[gunshot]
[heavy breathing]
[dramatic music]
- Help me.
- Christina!
It's OK.
You're going to be OK.
- No!
Please, don't leave me.
- I'm not going to leave you.
I'm going to call
you an ambulance
and wait right here with you.
I'm going to stop the bleeding.
- I can't feel my tummy.
- Stop it!
Don't do that!
Just don't do anything, OK?
Just stop!
- So wet and goopy.
Isn't supposed to
feel like this, is it?
Are you seeing this?
Are you seeing this?
Can you see this right now?
- Just stop it!
Please stop i!
Don't do that!
- Didn't even do any drugs yet.
Am I dreaming?
- Yes, you're just dreaming, OK?
Everything's going to
be fine really soon.
- It's just fun.
Do you want to try?
- I just have to make
one quick phone call,
and then, yes, I
would love to try it.
OK?
- So squishy, like a teddy
bear full of gummy bears.
[screaming]
Huh.
It doesn't taste
like gummy bears.
- Fuck.
God damn it, Christina!
I lied.
You're not dreaming.
And if I can't get to my phone
to call you an ambulance,
you're going to fucking die!
- I'm not going to die.
- Christina?
- I am ready to come inside.
Is this not what you
wanted me to look like?
Did you want something
more like this?
[dramatic music]
[screaming]
[gunshot]
[ambiance]
[ambient music]
- Help me, please.
- Fuck.
I'm going to jail.
I'm going to fucking jail.
Fuck it.
- You have reached the
city of Los Angeles 911.
The next available operator
will answer your call.
You are the 68th
caller on the line.
[waiting music]
Estimated wait time, 25 minutes.
Your call is very
important to us.
- Fuck!
[screaming, suspenseful music]
[dramatic music]
Ah, what the fuck?
[screaming]
[gunshots]
[suspenseful music]
- Danny?
It's really cold down here.
Can I sleep in the bed with you?
Are we still going
to do that molly?
[gunshot]
[heavy breathing]
[gunshot]
[suspenseful music]
- I wasn't Cristina.
She wasn't real.
[squishing]
[drill]
[splashing]
[knock, ding, buzz]
[drill]
[ringing]
[drill]
[dramatic music]
- Fucking finally.
Am I going to have to get a
goddamn cell tower installed
on top of the greenhouse?
Unbelievable.
This ain't fucking Idaho.
You should have four fucking
bars at all fucking times.
Jesus Christ.
[upbeat music]
OK, Lil Dan.
I told you.
I fucking told you.
I don't provide,
and I don't want
to hear about no little
lady problems, all right?
You need Tampax?
You gotta bring that shit--
- Shut your fucking
mouth, Jack, and listen
to these words that are about
to come out of my mouth.
The greenhouse has
been compromised.
People tried to break in,
and now one of them is dead.
- You lying to me right now?
- Consider me an honorary Texan.
- What about the others?
- The others, I'm not sure.
But there's a fairly good
chance that there's something--
someone right here,
right in front of me,
right inside this
bathroom, listening.
[indistinct] can listen to
everything I'm saying right now,
waiting for the
perfect moment to--
- Shoot him!
Shoot him right now!
Shoot that son of a bitch,
then shoot him again!
Woo hoo!
- OK.
[gunshot]
[high-pitched ringing]
- Oh, you get him or what?
Shoot him again.
- Did you hear me?
- Oh.
Hey, now.
Yeah, I'll take cream with that.
Two pumps, nice and big.
- OK.
That'll be $73.14
- Are you fucking
kidding me, man?
- Don't worry, Lil Dan.
I got one for you, too.
I know the way you
ladies like it.
Pumpkin spice latte,
almond milk, none
of that good, real cow shit.
I made sure to ask for
kitty temperatures too.
I wouldn't want to see
my Lil Dan walking around
with no burnt little
lippies in her cute little--
- Stop calling me Lil Dan.
It's Danny.
Or it's fucking Danielle, you
creepy ass old fucking fuck.
- Shit, I ain't that
much older than--
- I saw your cameras,
dumbass, the ones zoomed in,
pointed right at me in bed.
I know all about that shit.
And everyone else
in this fucking town
is going to know about it too,
including your lovely fiance,
which I've heard so much about.
- Those cameras are for
security reasons only.
- Which is going to make
both maintaining this studio
and maintaining those wedding
plans, at the very least,
incredibly fucking
difficult. Or hopefully,
and more likely, extremely
fucking impossible
for you, Jack, unless you pay my
rent for the next full calendar
year.
And me and my friends get
to film here for free,
whenever the fuck we want.
And obviously, those
fucking cameras
are coming the fuck down.
And you're fucking perving ass
better get the fuck up here
right fucking now
to help me kill
this fucker before delivering
to me that pumpkin spice latte,
which, yes, I do fucking like
because everybody fucking likes
it because it's the
fucking pizza of fucking
flavored coffees, you fucking
patronizing goddamn fucking
asshole fucking fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck.
[upbeat music]
- Sir?
Sir?
Sir?
Sir?
Hello.
- [indistinct] Thank
you, little lady.
Miss.
Ma'am.
Thank you now.
Man, this is good.
You're right.
I mean, who wouldn't like this?
I like this.
- Did you just drink
my fucking drink?
- Uh, I can order you
another one if you want.
- Get the fuck here!
Also, even if this was
blood from my cunt,
don't be a pussy little
bitch about it, bro.
Fucking gross.
- Are you OK, Danny?
I know you haven't responded,
which means you probably
don't want to talk
to me right now,
but I just need you to
know that I do care.
And I do want to know
that you're safe.
And even if you hate
me right now, please,
can you just let me know?
[flushing]
- Seven days.
I wouldn't push
that if I were you.
Looking for me?
I'm out.
[suspenseful music]
[squishing]
- Hello.
- This cannot be real.
This could not be fucking real.
- It hurt.
[indistinct] It's real.
And so was I, before the rest
of me was quite dead, wasn't I?
You really loved me, didn't you?
You want to know how I know?
- Do you want to
know how dead you'll
be from this gun at this range?
- I already know that.
I love my wedding
ring, by the way.
Such a special bond between
us special little babies,
a bond that will last forever.
- Real good at spouting
fucking nonsense.
Are you proud of yourself?
- Not yet, but I will be.
You do know that this little
lady is holding the little gun,
right?
- Little finger?
- There's a bigger
one coming for you.
The real you.
- Trigger finger?
- Much bigger.
- But?
- You know, it's really too
bad the real you couldn't
be here right now.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
- Why is that?
- This would be a real fucking
fun to shoot you in your dick,
with the little gun.
[dramatic music]
Couldn't have put
it better myself.
[buzz, ding]
- I thought you
were going to pull.
- You thought wrong.
- You thought wrong.
I'm just a little lady here.
You're a full-bodied little
lady, with a cute little gun.
What could I possibly do?
- I'm sorry.
I didn't get that.
- Shut the fuck up, Siri.
Same goes for you.
What are you?
- Now that you've killed me,
you already forgot what I am?
- Fucker.
You know what I mean, bitch.
What are you trying to do?
- Ring finger.
- Stop playing
games and answer me.
- I did.
[dramatic music, gunshots]
I'm so proud.
My brand new wedding ring's
got such a big, fat rock.
And now, forever, I'll wear you.
I'll love you.
I'll finger you.
I'll fuck you, stay inside
of you, control you,
and never, ever let go of you.
- [scream] This is real fucking
funny for you, isn't it?
- No.
- That's a shame because
it's about to be real
fucking funny for me.
- No, the funny thing is, while
you've just been chatting away
within these five
Christina fingers,
I'm beginning [indistinct] 1 and
10, and even Jack is all set,
moving, to do a
whole [indistinct].
Yeah.
[gunshot, screaming]
[dramatic music]
[dinging, buzzing]
- Stop fucking texting me!
[screaming]
Fucking damn it.
[squishing]
Yes!
[heavy breathing]
[scream]
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ah!
God damn it, Christina!
[dramatic music]
Christina.
If you're in there, please--
[squirting, screaming]
You fucking bitch!
Ah, fuck you!
[laugh]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC, GRUNTS,
SCREAMING]
[squirting]
Goddamn it!
Fine!
Siri, answer the fucking call!
- Danielle, I'm real sorry.
I need to apologize--
- Jacky!
- --for my language--
- Jacky!
--my tone, for my clear
and utter disrespect.
- Jacky, shut the fuck
up and listen to me.
- You're an incredible
woman, Danielle.
You don't deserve this.
You deserve the
honest Texas truth.
- Stop!
- The truth I wasn't
able to give, a truth I
could never give.
- Fucker, you listen to me!
- Because--
- Can you fucking hear me?
- --I'm not even a real Texan.
- Are you almost here?
- But I shall try to improve.
I didn't mean to offend
in such a manner.
It was an accident, one I
clearly shouldn't have made.
One that can also be
part of the problem
that I created between you and
I, stems from a problem caused
by my lovely fiancee, a
simple problem of disrespect,
disrespect I should
have unleashed upon her.
But instead I delivered to you.
And same, of course,
goes for the cameras.
I know it may seem
unforgivable, but considering
my circumstances, I feel
like it has to make sense.
It needs to make sense to be
understandable, even to you.
It has been not one, not two,
not three, not four, not five,
not six, but seven--
- Fuck it!
- Seven long, dry months.
- I can live with one leg.
- Because my soon to be misses,
as lovely as she may be,
has allowed me even the
slightest peek at her fur-free
fanny underneath those
nefarious knickers.
- God damn it, Jacky!
- The opportunity arose
to have a lovely lady such
as yourself stay the nights in
my beautiful house of green.
How could I deny myself
such a harmless little pig?
I apologize that you found out.
- Fuck you.
- But I promise you, the
visuals were for my eyes only.
Such beauty was not
meant to be shared.
And I promise you even
more, you should not
be ashamed of what I saw.
- I'll make it work.
- It was a magnificent
sight, your sleeping form.
And beautiful as your
smile in the day.
- You have to do it.
- And of course, yes, That's
not all that was [indistinct].
But once again, no
shame is required.
I'm fully aware that you
ladies have certain needs, just
like us men.
Things go in, and yes, of
course, they must come out.
When the balls go dry,
they're quite beautiful.
I may not be a Texan, but
on this I could not lie.
You're meant to
be seen, so I did.
I watched, adored,
gave applause,
that most natural of delights.
- Oh, you fucking asshole!
- Imagine the taste.
Imagine the smell.
I dreamed of the impossible.
Could it ever be made real?
[squirting]
- Once you spray,
you got to bidet.
- Well, I was too scared.
Never ask.
Never do.
But perhaps on this night, on
this strange, wonderful night,
that you need me to arrive,
that you need me to save you.
As a reward, like the quest for
the center of a Tootsie Roll
pop, could I have
just one lick of
that pleasurably pink,
boisterously brown explosion
of the most--
[screaming]
--delectable, most
mouthwatering of flavors?
[slurping]
Ah.
[squirting]
Or perhaps a few licks.
Find out how many it
takes to get clean.
[screaming]
No need for the toilet, pumpkin.
[squirting, screaming]
[ambient music]
[electronic music]
- Thank you for
accepting my apology.
I shall be arriving soon,
and I look quite forward
to tasting your--
[beep]
[dramatic music]
[gunshot]
- God damn it.
That was my favorite shirt.
[suspenseful music]
[knocks]
- I told you, when I want
to get in, I'd get in.
Curious, aren't you?
I like that.
[knocks]
No need for the gun.
She's quite dead.
You made sure of
that, didn't you?
- Stop with the shit!
- You made sure of that, too.
- How about you show
yourself, asshole?
Show me what you really are.
No more of this fake
friend bullshit.
- You think she's an imitation?
I admit, I may have caused a
few unnatural events to occur.
But I promise you, the girl
in the bed, that is Christina.
She's real.
She's human.
She's your friend.
Or rather, she wasn't real.
Once human, once your friend,
until you shot her dead.
[gunshot]
Not so human anymore, is it?
Christina wasn't even
part of tonight's plan,
just a happy little accident,
a girl who couldn't sleep.
Wanted a fucked-up night,
and I'd say she got it.
She brought you another
pack, by the way.
Kindness just never
pays off, does it?
- Fuck you.
- You can run if you'd like,
but you won't get away.
- You talk a big
fucking game, asshole.
But you can't do anything
yourself, can you?
It's pathetic.
You're all bark and
no fucking bite!
- Oh, the bite will
come, I assure you.
[knocks]
You're just not quite ready yet.
- Hey, Danny.
Danny.
Yeah.
I'm sorry if I came
off creepy earlier.
I-- I didn't mean to do that.
I didn't mean to
scare you, either.
[ambiance]
I'm sorry if it's weird
I came here like this.
I just really wanted
to see you again.
I didn't feel like waiting.
- Aaron?
- Yeah.
I mean, who else would I be?
Nacho fries.
Shitload of fire sauce.
[electronic music]
[gunshot]
- I got him!
Boom!
I told you I'd save you.
[gunshot]
[groans]
[gunshot]
- I'm going to get
you out of here, OK?
Aaron.
Come on.
Please stay with me.
I'm going to call
an ambulance, OK?
You just sit right here
and wait for me, all right?
[gargling, gasping]
- I really did miss you.
I can tell that
you missed me too.
It's been too long.
[crying]
[scream]
[knocks]
- Now you are complete.
- Why?
Why?
[suspenseful music]
- Exhilaration.
- Goddamn fucking
asshole, fucking--
[knocks]
- Anger.
Surprise.
- Boo!
[gunshot]
- Disgust.
- Asshole!
[squirting]
- Danny?
- Heartbreak tastes good
in a place like this.
[suspenseful music]
I've crafted a
masterpiece in hell.
One I cannot wait to devour.
The whole human experience,
cooked to perfection-- mwah.
--over 1 beautiful night,
every emotion so very
fresh in your
delicate little mind.
Five delicious flavors,
each one drenched in fear.
- What are you?
- Does it matter?
Does your dinner ever
ask you the same?
- That's it.
You did all of this because
you're fucking hungry?
- Famished!
I have starved myself
for a very long time
in preparation for this meal.
For eternities, I have waited
[indistinct] with desire
for this climax of emotions.
Every second for you,
human, a lifetime for me.
So imagine my anticipation.
Hmm?
- This isn't the full
human experience.
- Oh?
- You forgot the best part.
- Enlighten me.
- Desert.
That rush of
chemicals in the brain
that every human must feel in
the exact moment that we die.
[gunshot]
[sizzling]
[suspenseful music]
- Don't you worry, little girl.
On your confirmation, once
every last bite of you
is devoured, swallowed
and digested,
you will feel that
chemical rush.
And I will savor my desert.
- And what if the
meal gets spoiled?
- You just added to the flavor.
Improvisation.
And failure.
I like.
[dramatic music]
Would you like to add more?
Oh.
Boring.
Look at this place.
You are in a film
studio, Danielle,
where emotions are born,
crafted for consumption,
remembered by all.
The recipe is just right,
never to be forgotten.
So try and be a
bit more creative.
- I give up.
- Boring.
[suspenseful music]
After everything
you've been through?
- I can't win.
You're a God, right?
- And so much more.
- And I'm just a lowly human.
Nothing more.
But I do have one final request.
If you'd be so kind,
may I have a last meal
before I become yours?
I'm fucking starving.
- What would you like?
Something savory,
or something sweet?
- Just something simple, really.
Just a little bedtime snack,
I guess, with a glass of water
to wash it down.
- Shall I surprise you?
- I do like a good surprise.
But I think I'm pretty
surprised-out for the night.
Can I have my pumpkin
spice from outside instead?
Perfect.
Almost perfect.
Actually, can I surprise you?
I just think it'll
be fun fun for you.
I mean, it just
doesn't seem like you
get surprised very easily.
Like, I was thinking, what if
I described to you what I want,
and you just listen to
my voice, my description,
and see if you can figure
it out and make it appear?
And then when you
reveal it to me,
I'll let you know
if you got it right
by just the emotion on my face.
Just a little appetizing
surprise before your full meal.
For example.
Did you get it
absolutely correct?
Exhilaration.
Is it something that I hate?
Anger.
Is it something that I didn't
even know that I wanted?
A surprise, surprise.
Or is it something that I
find completely disgusting?
Or is it something that's
so close yet so far away?
Heartbreak.
Or maybe it's something
that's just so outrageous
that I would be terrified to
even think about eating it.
[applause]
- Yes.
[suspenseful music]
You try to kill yourself
again, and I promise,
your meal will be so
very full of pain.
- Trust me, I don't want to die.
Do you believe me?
Good.
You're not cheating.
So I'm thinking of
something bitter,
with a real nasty taste, like
I'm talking just unexpectedly,
how could something like
this taste so goddamn
bad, kind of taste.
[heartbeat, static]
It would honestly be the
perfect end to the most--
to the most terrible
fucking God awful nightmare
night of my life.
Wouldn't you say?
Do you know what it is?
I didn't say I was
going to make it easy.
Ooh, I can't wait to see.
She can't wait either.
- I will never forget
this night, Danielle.
Your emotional recipe was
perfected and then improved
by the unexpected.
It's almost a shame that in a
few more anticipatory moments,
everything you are will be
reduced to a fragment of flavors
digesting inside of me.
Shall we see if I was correct?
[suspenseful music]
[electronic music]
- Do you know what
I'll never forget?
- What's that?
- That rocks are cool.
Rock are cool.
Rocks are cool.
Do you like rocks?
A-- wait, what was your name?
Do you even have a name?
It doesn't matter.
When they're really
smooth, and you just
put them on top of a
hill and push them down.
Push them down.
Ooh.
Push them down.
And they roll.
They roll hard.
They roll good.
I like that.
Oh, I love rolling.
Fucking love it.
Wait, what were we talking abou?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck, I forgot again.
Oh.
[suspenseful music]
Mm.
[chimes]
Why are you holding
your hands like that?
Boo!
[laugh] Surprise.
- Ah!
What have you done?
What have you done?
- So you had nothing?
What was in there?
Really, nothing?
You didn't even try?
Oh.
Oh, it's OK.
It was a hard one.
I honestly didn't
think you would get it.
But I didn't need you to
make it for me because--
aw, shit.
I had one.
Oh, I had a lot,
actually, not just one.
But now it's all gone.
Man, it is funny how such a tiny
bit of chemicals can just-- pow,
pow, pow, pow, pow, pow.
--just make that fucking
serotonin explode.
Fuck, yes.
Fuck, yes.
Fuck, yes.
Ecstasy's a pretty
fucking accurate name,
if I do say so myself,
'cause I feel--
[laugh] I mean, am I
completely useless right now?
Can I remember-- thing, things?
Hell no.
But I don't give a fuck.
Why would I?
Because all that
shit that I don't
want to deal with just washed
right ain't the fuck away.
[electronic music]
Oh, man.
God.
You look so fucking
sad right now.
[sobbing]
You were so happy before.
Aw.
I would give you some if I
had any left, but I feel you.
Don't you worry.
I feel you, baby.
There's no happy
ending for me either.
There's dead bodies everywhere.
They're my friends, dude.
And I killed them.
I mean, at least
as far as anyone
who's not a God will believe.
[chimes]
So tomorrow-- I mean, if
I even live to see it.
Who the fuck knows?
--it is going to be
a hell of a bad day.
My life is over.
You ruined it.
So thank you for that.
[sobbing]
Sucks, but it happens.
One whole lifetime--
[vocalizing] --down the drain.
But-- [clicking] --you
what I was thinking,
is how many lifetimes
did I just ruin for you?
We can find out.
OK.
So, ready?
If seconds for me is 60 seconds
times 60 minutes, 36 zeroes.
No, it's got to be
more than that, right?
Times day.
So that's 24.
No, it's got to be
longer than that, right?
You said a long time.
One day of lifetimes?
That's nothing.
So times seven-- no,
it's got to be big.
It's got to be more.
Like a month?
Times 4.
Whoa, that is a lot of commas.
Two commas.
Two comma four million.
Million.
Now, that is big.
Now, that deserves some tunes.
[upbeat music]
Bigger.
Like a year?
OK.
Times 12.
No, two years.
Let's say two.
Times two equals-- oh, boy.
That is a big one.
But 58 times 1--
2 million.
You are almost going
Jurassic, baby.
[roar]
[laugh]
No, no, no.
Wait.
No, no, no.
That's lifetimes, not years.
Hey, Siri.
What is the average
lifespan of a mere human?
- The average lifespan of a
human being is 73.5 years.
- Hey, not great.
But still, times 73.5 is--
oh, dang.
1, 2, 3.
That is a ruin 4.2 billion
years in the making.
Now, that is some
epic disappointment.
[sobbing]
Hey, you got a light?
Oh, never mind.
Duh.
You know, tomorrow is
really, really going to suck.
But at least right
here right now--
["so shiny and so smooth"]
--before it all goes to hell,
again, I really shouldn't be,
but I'm just having
a God damn good time.
[vocalizing]
(SINGING) Rocks are cool
Rocks are cool
So shiny and so smooth
They make my brain stem dream
Rocks are cool
Rocks are cool
Slide into my heart
They make me act a fool
Amethyst, basalt
Crystalline diamond
Ecstasy [indistinct]
Hematite, igneous strain
Kryptonite, limestone
Methylenedioxymethamphetamine
Methylene
Obsidian, pearl
Quartz, rockstar
Sandstone, topaz
[indistinct]
Volcanic ash
[indistinct]
- Your call is very
important to us.
- It's really the only
beach we go to in St. Louis
because the atmosphere
is always super cool.
The water feels great.
The rocks are cool.
We love it.
- (SINGING) [indistinct]
Rocks are cool
Rocks are cool
Slide into my heart
They make me act a fool
Pyramids [indistinct]
Jewelry [indistinct]
El Capitan
[indistinct]
Mount Everest, Stonehenge
Ecstasy of St. Theresa
The Greatest Sphinx
of [indistinct] Giza
Machu Picchu
Medias
Extinction of the dinosaurs
Concrete freeways
Countertops, paperweights
Candle holders
Marble flooring
Limestone [indistinct] drawing
Done by Michelangelo
[indistinct] and Venus de Milo
Roman Coliseum
And get me high
You can't curse me, baby
Gold
You can't drive insane
Give me gold [indistinct] stones
I'll never be the same
Too much table salt
[indistinct]
That is not my fault
But it doesn't matter
Doesn't change a fucking thing
Rocks are cool
Rocks are cool
So shiny and so smooth
They make my brain stem droop
Rocks are cool
Rocks are cool
Slide into my heartbeat
Make me act a fool