Human Nature (2001) Movie Script
Lila! Lila! Lila!
Do you think this will affect
the sales of your book?
-Lila, are you sorry you did it?
-I'm not sorry.
I am sorry.
I don't even know
what sorry means anymore.
I'm not sorry.
So I spend the rest of
my life in jail. So what?
I've been in jail
my whole life anyway.
A jail of blood and tissue...
and coursing hormones.
A called the human body.
The only thing I know
is that I'm sorry.
Sorry for my expulsion. Sorry for
my Lila rotting in her jail cell.
And sorry for Nathan...
rotting in his grave.
I don't even know what
sorry means anymore.
It's odd.
When I was alive, I knew.
Maybe it was all I knew.
But here...
sorry is meaningless.
Love is meaningless.
-Jealousy is meaningless.
-My story begins when I was 12.
Jesus.
Something terrible happened
that year.
My mother said because of it, I
would never be able to get a man.
So I should get used to the idea of
dedicating my life to the pursuit...
of knowledge or religion
or whatever.
It's hormonal. Nature is
a funny and complex thing.
It could get worse with time.
By the time I was 20,
I looked like an ape.
The way that mouse looked at me.
It didn't care if I had hair
all over my body.
I was just what I was.
I felt so free.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
Something about a mouse, right?
I don't think there's anyone in
the world who doesn't know...
by now that I was raised
in the wilderness by an ape.
Well, to be fair, by a man who
thought himself an ape. But...
it amounts to the same thing,
gentlemen, does it not?
After spending years in a mental
hospital for attempting to...
take up residence in the ape
house of the local zoo...
he did his best to live by your
rules. He got a job...
he married a human,
they had me.
Until a national tragedy undid
all those years of therapy...
and reminded him what the
human race was truly about.
Apes don't assassinate their
presidents, gentlemen.
So, he stole little me
from my human mother...
and raised me with love and
tenderness and respect.
Until quite recently gentlemen,
I believed myself to be an ape.
Although, I didn't know
specifically what type.
Apes don't think in terms of type.
It might be argued, gentlemen...
that apes don't even know
they're apes.
In retrospect, however,
I'd say I was a...
pygmy chimp.
I have to say
I always hated apes.
Of course, I don't any longer.
Now I don't even know
what hate means.
But while alive, I hated apes.
I blame my parents.
I mean, I don't blame them.
I don't know what blame is
really, anymore, but...
I think they influenced me
in my ape-hating tendencies.
Mama, look! Monkey!
Nathan, chimpanzees are apes,
not monkeys.
And furthermore, Harold,
tell the boy.
Tell him, Harold.
The ape is our closest
biological relative.
Specifically...
the pygmy chimp.
A single chromosome separates us.
But do you know what...
-truly separates us?
-No, Papa, what?
Civilization. Without it, we
might as well be living in pens...
throwing our feces...
masturbating in public, sniffing
red, swollen female rump.
Your adoptive father and I
whisked you away from a life...
that most certainly would've been
one of degradation and alcoholism.
Your part of the bargain is
to never wallow...
in the filth of instinct.
Any dumb animal can do that.
An animal saved my life...
so I decided to go live
among them in the forest.
You see, animals have eyes
that don't judge.
Look at all the hair,
everywhere, everywhere.
On the possum and the woodchuck
and the cuddly old bear.
I used to be embarrassed of hair.
Not fit to caress.
Now, I'm so sure
it's a blessing...
I've got no need of dressing.
I once thought God
A Creator diabolical
He gave the nod
To each one of my follicles
Head to my baby toe
Now I'm free
No more cares
I've accepted
My millions of hairs
My new friends
These split ends
Far away from
Those terrible stares
Squirrels don't mind
Nor do ravens
If a girl is furred
Or clean-shaven
Creatures are kind so I have
Found my new green haven
And I ain't gonna go
'Cause I'm one of them
You know
I figured out a way to stay
in the woods forever.
I became a nature writer.
Last night, on my mountaintop...
I felt the wind whip
through my hair.
It was violent.
I almost died.
All my petty concerns were sent
flying with those gale force winds.
I was in nature.
I was nature!
An otter, a stork, an oak tree.
A woman.
When I became a famous nature
writer, I said to myself...
''Fuck humanity.'' I never saw my
public, I never saw my publisher.
I never saw another human being
and it was wonderful.
But I have to admit by the time
I was 30, I was very horny.
I had to have a man in my life.
I would become what I needed
to become to achieve this.
My success would allow me to
afford to become a hairless lie.
-Progress!
-Yeah?
Yeah. Honey, you are getting
smooth, smooth, smooth all over.
-Smooth as a baby's butt.
-I love it, Louise.
-I'm getting like a real girl.
-You still in the market for...
-a real boy?
-Always.
'Cause my brother knows this guy.
Might be right up your alley.
Tell me. I could use
someone up my alley.
I don't get that.
Something sexual?
Shut up and tell me.
-Handsome, 30's, psychologist.
-Loves animals?
-Must love animals, Louise.
-Loves animals. Loves you.
What do you mean?
Well, somehow it came up that
you're a friend of mine...
and Mr. Handsome Animal-loving
Psychologist said...
-that he would love to meet you.
-Won't he be able to tell?
My brother says the guy's a
So, maybe he won't know how
a woman usually feels.
Plus, he has bad eyesight.
Almost legally blind.
Which is very helpful in this
situation. Plus...
he has an extremely small penis of
which he is mortifyingly ashamed.
And chances are...
he will be so grateful for any
non-judgmental attention...
-he will be yours forever.
-He must be really close...
to your brother to tell him
such personal stuff.
Oh, yeah.
My brother's his shrink.
-Fuck Humanity's a delightful read.
-Thank you so much.
-Yes, I'm a real animal lover.
-I work with animals.
Right now...
I'm teaching mice...
well...
table manners, to be candid.
-And how's it going?
-I hope you don't think me daft.
It's important work. It's part of
a larger sociological experiment.
-I'm federally funded.
-What's the larger experiment?
My thesis is that courtesy,
decorum, manners are all...
sadly lacking from our daily
intercourse. Rudeness and...
vulgarity are the norm. Ergo,
if I can teach table manners...
to mice, then I can
teach them to humans.
And if I can teach table manners
to humans, then maybe... I can...
make the world
a little bit safer.
Lord, thank You for this bountiful
gift we are about to receive.
Amen.
Oh, God, Nathan. No.
That's the wrong fork, young man.
Harold, tell him.
-It's the wrong fork.
-I'm sorry.
I'll use the right one.
I forgot.
Harold.
Tell him.
It's too late.
You'll have to go to your room.
And do you think, maybe, this...
early childhood indoctrination
has something to do with...
your interest in table manners
in the present?
Seems a tad convenient,
don't you think, Wendall?
Well, do you have any thoughts
then on where this passion...
-might've come from?
-It's my work.
You can't reduce my passion
to parental indoctrination.
Why did Picasso paint?
Why did Mozart compose?
Picasso's father was a painter.
Mozart's father was a musician.
Yes, okay. Now you're being nasty.
Now you're just showing off.
I really didn't come
here to be mocked.
Well, that certainly
wasn't my intention.
It's my work, Wendall.
That's all.
Voil.
This looks wonderful.
You look wonderful.
I'm on top of the world
tonight, Lila.
My work is going splendidly
and my personal life...
The fork. Fork!
I'm sorry?
It's just...the outside fork
is usually the salad fork.
-One goes from the outside in.
-Oh, I'm sorry. I never really...
-learned these things.
-It's no biggie.
Oh, boy, this is good.
-I'm sorry if I became upset.
-No, I'm sorry.
I'm a little backwards
in some ways.
It's just that I really
enjoy your company.
-You do?
-Yes.
Please, Lila.
Please don't talk when
you have food in your mouth.
You're so pretty,
and it only mars your...
I'm being critical.
I can't believe
you think I'm pretty.
I have some peculiarities,
you see.
-I think you're pretty, too.
-You do?
Yes, I really do. And I have
peculiarities, also.
Well, I don't care. I don't care.
-No?
-No.
Like what, for example?
Like... Nothing.
I cannot believe how in love
with this man I am.
Louise, he's so cute.
Even his little penis.
It's like a little pig's penis
or something. It's charming.
Well, you've always
been an animal lover.
-He's gonna find out, Lou.
-You're a wonderful woman.
-He's lucky to have you.
-Louise...
you're removing hair from
my feet as you say that.
So you have a physical quirk.
Big deal.
I'll tell you what I fall in love
with in a man...his mind, period.
-There's a limit.
-No, period. End of sentence...
end of paragraph,
close the book, we're done.
me a man with intellect,
like my brother.
I know he's average looking,
but he's so smart. You know?
I could care less
about the packaging.
-You don't fuck the packaging.
-Yeah, you do.
You fuck the mind, Lila.
You fuck the mind, period.
Close the book, end the sentence,
close the whatever.
Hey. I have a really smart friend
for you. He has an I.Q. of 170.
-What's he look like?
-Oh, he's gorgeous.
-He's sort of a midget.
-Jesus, Lila.
I'm not dating a fucking midget.
What is love anyway? From my new
vantage point, I realize that...
love is nothing more than a messy
conglomeration of need...
desperation, fear of death
and insecurity about penis size.
But I'm not judging it. I know
how miserable it is to be alive.
Listen...
I don't want to be dead yet.
Is there any way to...
Hello?
No, I suppose not.
No biggie.
Anyway, Lila moved in.
We had our problems...
but we both wanted love so badly,
we turned a blind eye.
Like the first time I brought
Lila to meet my parents.
It's lovely to finally meet you,
Mr. and Mrs. Bronfman.
Nathan's told me so much about
you. All good things, of course.
Thank you, dear.
I'm sorry, will somebody please
tell me who this little boy is?
Your father and I have adopted
an additional son.
Wayne just returned
from a week at Peace Camp...
and a week at Science Camp. Tell
everyone what you've learned.
Conflict resolution and
flatworm dissection.
-Very nice to meet you, Wayne.
-Nice to meet you. Our mom's...
-told me so much about you.
-Yes, I wish I could say the same.
By the way, his elbow
is on the table.
-Good boy.
-Good boy? That's it? Good boy?
You shouldn't be speaking to your
mother in that tone of voice.
Forgive me, but it seems to me that
Wayne needs a tad more disci-
Sorry, Mom.
I don't know where my head was.
Wayne is quite
self-disciplined for his age.
-Meaning?
-He does seem very disciplined.
But I wonder, do you think it's
the best thing for a child-
Lila's a nature writer, Mother.
Did you know that?
She writes about animals and
nature and other things...
about nature in addition to that.
Wind, animals, what have you.
Squirrels.
I love nature.
As long as it stays in the zoo
where it belongs.
I hate Wayne. Don't you?
Listen. I'm sorry about my
mother's reaction to your work.
-What are you doing in there?
-You didn't seem sorry when...
you were laughing at her endless
stupid, cruel animal jokes.
I was simply attempting to
keep the evening light.
You know I feel similarly
to you about nature.
-Do you?
-Oh, yes. Of course. I love it.
-Do you? Oh, do you, darling?
-It's my favorite, nature.
I'm so relieved.
Let's celebrate tomorrow with
a long hike in the woods.
Oh, what a great idea.
That shaving cream?
I don't think so.
Why?
Then, gentlemen, one day I saw
something I hadn't seen since...
my father's death.
I saw other apes.
They chattered away in
what seemed to be gibberish.
Later, I learned it was English.
Now I wonder if perhaps my initial
assessment hadn't been correct.
I saw a flash of white.
-Did you see that?
-What?
-I don't know. Something.
-A deer?
No, too upright.
A person?
It might behoove us
to turn back at this point.
If it's a person,
why should we go see it?
It's not like it's nature.
Lila, people who live in the
woods don't want to be seen.
We should respect their wishes.
This is how you get ticks.
This is it. Lyme disease.
For God's sake, what are you-
An ape as I had never seen before.
Like me, yet different.
And all at once I felt
a heat pass through me.
Gentlemen, I wanted to touch her,
caress her, to be one with her.
I had urges I could not explain.
And so I did what any animal
would do in that situation.
He bolted.
Who are you?
You don't understand my
language, do you?
Now look what you've done.
Is he dead?
-No.
-Please put something on.
It's cold, you'll catch a cold.
What do you suppose he is...
-a survivalist?
-I think he's feral.
Feral? Oh, don't touch him.
He might be diseased.
Oh, my God, rabies!
-He looks perfectly fine.
-My God, I think we should go.
Nathan, I don't understand you.
This is fascinating.
Here's a human being, totally
uncontaminated by civilization.
And all you want to
do is run to the car.
-You're starting to annoy me.
-Forget the mice.
Forget guinea pigs.
Forget cats. Monkeys, too.
I'm on to stage five,
the human subject.
No.
I can change him.
I can teach him.
I can save this unfortunate
man's life!
I won't let you, it's wrong.
He's happy here.
Happy? Is he happy? Never to
know the love of a good woman.
Never to read Moby Dick
or marvel at a Monet.
You'd be taking away his freedom.
Freedom's just another word
for nothing left to lose, Lila.
Doctor?
Good morning.
Only three shocks.
A chimp takes 15. This is going
to be trs simple, no, Gabrielle?
-Oui, doctor.
-Good morning.
-We need to give him a name.
-Oui.
-You decide. Today is your day.
-Really? My day?
I had a sweet little mongrel dog
named Puff when I was a girl.
Puff.
This one reminds me of my dog.
All shaggy. So cute.
I loved my doggie
very much, Monsieur.
Puff it is, then.
-Puff Bronfman. Is that okay?
-Oui, perfect.
Good morning, Puff Bronfman.
My name is Dr. Bronfman...
and this is my assistant,
Gabrielle.
We're your mommy and
daddy while you're here.
Would you like some salad, son?
-Dr. Bronfman! Dr. Bronfman!
-Hi, Gabrielle.
I just wanted to tell you that I
very much enjoy working with you.
Now I'm embarrassed
that I say this.
No, no. Don't be.
I really enjoyed hearing that.
-You're a terrific assistant.
-Merci.
Would you like to go
get a cup of coffee, perhaps?
Well, I don't know.
-Actually, I'm on my way to...
-Now I am truly embarrassed.
Forgive me. I should not have
asked such a stupid question.
-You're a very important man.
-Don't be silly.
You're so sweet.
There, there.
You know just the right
thing to say to me.
I see you tomorrow, okay?
Unless... Am I fired now?
No. Of course not, Gabrielle.
I like it when you say my name.
Is that stupid?
Hello?
Hi, Gabrielle.
-Yes, right, Gabrielle.
-Who is it?
-Who is it?
-Someone from work.
I think you took the right
initiative, Gabrielle.
It shows you to be very wise.
Oh, really? Gabrielle...
Could you hold on just
one minute, please?
-Who is it, Nathan?
-I am on a work call... and I-
Nathan, I-
It's hormonal.
I can't help it.
-Your entire body?
-I'm doing electrolysis.
It takes time. It's working, but
in the meantime I have to shave-
-You have to shave? Like an ape?
-Apes don't shave...
-you son of a bitch!
-Don't quibble...
-you know what I mean.
-Please don't be mad at me.
-I'm not mad, I'm disgusted.
-I'm the same person.
I have to think.
I have to go.
Hello? Is anybody there?
No, thank you.
I couldn't eat another bite.
It is lovely to make
your acquaintance.
My apologies, madam.
It shan't happen again.
-My compliments to the chef.
-''idiopathic hirsutism occurs...
in women who have hair follicles
highly sensitive to...
normal female androgen levels.''
How could I find myself
in this mess?
Is my girlfriend a man?
No. But she deceived me.
She has hair,
she's not supposed to.
Oh, doctor! I did not know.
I'm sorry to disturb you.
I just came for
some papers I left.
Sorry I startled you,
I just came to think.
-My God, did I hang up on you?
-Oui.
Perhaps I called at a bad time?
-I am sorry.
-I'm sorry. I was distracted.
-Is everything fine?
-Oui.
Now you've got me talking French.
I was in my p.j.'s when I
remembered I left some papers...
I need to go over. See?
I rushed right out of the house.
-I must look a mess.
-No, not at all.
I'm in my p.j.'s, too.
Funny, huh?
And how is our son?
-What?
-Our son.
Puff.
He seems fine. I guess
we woke him up with the lights.
I should turn them off.
Maybe I sing him a lullaby
my mama sang to me...
when I was a little girl.
-When you're a little French girl?
-But of course, silly.
That might be very soothing...
for him to hear that.
Can you point me to
the Cezanne exhibit?
There.
Shall we close up, then?
I shouldn't say this, but...
-you're a pretty girl, Gabrielle.
-Really?
-I always think of myself so ugly.
-No.
Well, no, not ugly, but plain.
A wallflower.
Not at all. You're a very pretty
girl. You should know that.
-You should be confident.
-Thank you so much. Merci.
It is too wonderful to hear a
man say such a nice compliment.
-It's true. I wouldn't lie.
-You are sweet to me.
So soft.
-Doctor...
-I'm sorry.
I saw it, gentlemen. I saw the
whole sweaty, passionate...
ugly, beautiful act.
And to use the vernacular...
I wanted me some of that.
And I think I understood
from that moment...
that in order to get some,
I would have to play their game.
Excellent, Puff, excellent.
Excellent.
Now, the lady you're with excuses
herself to go powder her nose.
-Perfect, Puff, perfect.
-Bravo.
I still feel guilt, even dead.
One would have hoped that...
You know, I really did love Lila.
It's just that with her problem
and then when Gabrielle...
revealed her feelings, I... She
was just so conventionally female.
She had that accent.
I... I was lost from then on.
Are you seeing somebody else, Nathan
I'm sorry to ask
but I need to know.
-Of course not.
-It would be helpful to know.
No.
Because, you know, lately,
you seem so distant.
You work late every night and we
hardly ever have sex...
and when we do, it's...
-different.
-I've been preoccupied lately.
Do you like my new look?
-It's nice.
-Really?
I'm trying, you know.
I'm trying to be what you want.
I want to be what
you want me to be, Nathan.
All I want is to be
what you want.
-You're exactly what I want.
-Really?
Sure.
Of course.
I'm really trying.
You know what?
Louise said that I only have
two more years of electrolysis.
-That's great.
-And I signed up for ballet class.
Look at my nails.
Like a real girl!
-That's a great color on you.
-Oh, Nathan, let's have a baby.
So that's the nightmare I've been ha
for the life of me,
figure out what it's about.
-I think it may be about Lila.
-Lila? How?
Ever since she broached the
subject of children you've been...
on edge, and I know you have
an issue with her body hair.
I see that.
That's something to consider.
I felt it had more to do with
child-rearing concerns.
The monkey-baby representing
parenta...
I think it's important that you
look at your feelings for Lila.
Well, I love Lila.
She's wonderful. And she loves
me. That's no small potatoes.
And she's a good person.
That's pretty rare in this world.
How could I stop loving someone...
because of a little
physical imperfection?
-If it can even be called that.
-How do you feel about Gabrielle?
Good evening...
ladies...
and gentle...
men!
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Bravo, Puff, bravo!
Isn't Puff doing spectacularly?
Nathan, we have to talk,
you and I.
-My little French poodle.
-Stop, get away.
-What is it?
-You have to choose.
It is like Sophie's Choice.
Only it is Nathan's Choice.
Did you ever see that movie,
Sophie's Choice? It is like that.
Only it is this.
-I'm trying to sort things out.
-It is now that you must decide!
I love you, Dr. Nathan.
But I will not wait.
I will not be your chippy...
your little Mademoiselle
Parlez-vous side dish.
I want to have...
a sweet, tiny baby...
inside my belly... from you.
I love you so much, Gabrielle.
But? But?
There is a ''but,'' Nathan.
I don't know how to leave Lila.
Goodbye, Nathan.
Oh, Nathan.
I'm so happy!
I know everything's
going to be just great.
Voil.
-Voil.
-Thanks.
-How's work?
-Cruddy. You satisfied?
I don't want your work
to be cruddy.
I'm sorry.
My assistant quit today.
He was highly valuable
to the project.
Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
-Can you find somebody else?
-I guess. Whatever.
I could come work for you.
I know I haven't been that...
supportive of the project,
but I've come around.
It's a wonderful project.
You taking that...
poor, uncivilized creature and
turning him into a human being.
What a compassionate,
kind man you are.
-I had sold my fucking soul.
-I let her sell her soul.
I stood by as she did it.
It's inexcusable.
At the time, though, I thought
it might be good for her.
When she came to work with Nathan,
gentlemen, she seemed different.
I don't know, somehow...
soulless.
Bravo!
-Bravo to you, Puff.
-Bravo!
Tame me, doctor.
Tame your little monkey of love.
-Well, I'm tamed, Dr. Bronfman.
-I'm glad... my assistant.
Thank you.
I'll start today with
the foie gras.
-I gotta crow
-I gotta crow
I gotta crow
-and raised to the highest
of culture and refinement.
This is a priceless gift bestowed
upon me by Dr. Nathan Bronfman.
-End of tape 43.
-I think he's ready.
Oh, boy!
Oh, boy.
Now, Puff, we're leaving
the electric collar on.
I don't think we'll need
to shock you, but just in case.
Okay. That's fair.
Congratulations.
-Oh, thank you.
-No, Puff bad!
-My apologies, madam.
-It's all right, Puff.
It shan't happen again.
Shall we?
This is great, Puff.
You're doing fine.
I'm loving this. It's such a
treat to be out and about.
What a wonderful invention the
city is, the immense buildings...
of glass and steel glinting
in the afternoon sun...
the smartly dressed women in
their best summer frocks...
-the colorful street vendors.
-How is everything?
Just spectacular. Great salmon.
Fantastico!
You've got to give me the recipe.
My compliments to the chef!
I'm glad you like it.
The chef will be very... pleased.
So, will that be all?
It shan't happen again, I swear.
I'm just getting my sea legs,
you know?
It's an animal urge, Puff.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Lila!
-Tell him.
-You have to control it.
We're not monkeys.
Lila?
Good, you're doing fine.
You're doing very nicely, Puff.
I'm pleased.
Excellent.
Great.
Excellent work, Puff.
Extra dessert tonight.
Tomorrow, the acid test.
-How y'all doing today?
-Very well.
-Very well.
-Good enough. What can I get you?
Puff, why don't you order first?
-What's a Reuben, please?
-What's a what, sweetheart?
A Reuben. That's a sandwich with
corned beef and sauerkraut-
Fine! That's what I'll have.
Corned beef is a good...
decent meat. Someone else
please go now, please.
I'll have the big basket.
I'm proud of you, Puff.
You did remarkably well under
difficult circumstances.
-Absolutely.
-Did I?
I tried so hard! I really
concentrated! Oh, I'm so happy!
And because you did so well, we
have a little surprise for you.
-Extra dessert?
-Even better.
Surprise!
Free to come and go as you
please. There's even some...
''mad money'' in the night
table drawer for you.
It's wonderful! Do you think
I'm ready, do you really?
I trust you'll make good,
mature decisions.
I trust you'll do
the proper thing.
I will. Your very trust has
instilled an enormous sense...
of responsibility in me.
I don't want to disappoint you.
Good. Remember, when in doubt...
don't ever do
what you really want to do.
-That's the key.
-Got it.
Oh, sorry, darling!
When some things are known...
of which, the one inheres in the
other or is locally distanced-
-related in some way
to the other...
the mind straightaway knows by
virtue of that simple...
apprehension of those things,
whether the thing inheres or...
does not inhere, whether it-
I'm going to go down and check
on Puff. See how he's holding up.
-Should I come?
-Nah, you just relax.
-How's the book?
-Mmm, good.
I won't be long.
Forget it! Maybe I'll just stay
here and get shitfaced again.
-That's a cIassy idea.
-It passes the time, doesn't it?
-Yeah, what?
-Hi, it's Nathan.
Call you back.
-You bastard! What do you want?
-Just want to talk.
You have made your decision,
Mr. Stinky American.
-I've got some things to tell you.
-Like what?
I think it would be easier if I
could talk to you face to face.
-What for?
-Well, I think-
You think too much!
All you are is one big thing...
with lots of thinks in it!
Full of thinks!
So many thinks that you have
nothing to think at all!
-What?
-You heard me.
You make me want to be sick
when you pretend that...
you don't understand what I am
saying to you. Go away from here!
-I'm sorry to have bothered you.
-All right, already!
Come in if you must. The door's
open, you son of a bitch!
In here, you lousy piece
of merde.
-Well?
-God, you're beautiful.
-Please, I look a mess.
-No, you look so beautiful.
Anyway, come already
to the point.
I'm going to leave Lila.
I can't stop thinking about you.
-I've moved on.
-I love you, Gabrielle.
Just give me some time
to let Lila down easy.
She's a really nice girl.
I don't want to hurt her
anymore than necessary.
You hurt me, you know...
when you made Nathan's Choice.
Does that not even matter
to you, you pig?
-You were gone a long time.
-Puff and I got into a...
big, philosophical discussion.
He really is quite well-read...
considering he's only been
literate for a month now.
He's going to make us
really famous, Lila.
-So he's doing okay?
-Yes.
Very well. Just a quiet evening
enjoying his new digs.
That's funny, because I just
went and picked him up...
at a flophouse
on the lower east side.
He called here after he ran
out of his mad money...
where he'd spent
the entire evening drinking...
watching strippers
and fucking a whore.
So, what did you do
tonight, honey?
-Shit.
-What did you do tonight, honey?
I'm in love with
somebody else, Lila.
-And what did you do tonight?
-I fucked her, ok? I fucked her!
Do you know what
I gave up to be with you?
-Yes.
-I gave up my soul!
I gave up my beliefs.
I gave up my body hair.
So, without further ado...
I give you Dr. Nathan Bronfman...
and Puff.
Thank you.
Let's get right to it.
Here we have Puff
on the day of his capture.
No maid service!
Can't you read the fucking
''do not disturb'' sign...
-hanging on my fucking doorknob?
-Lila, it's Louise.
Go the fuck away, Louise!
To say that he took me
from crayons to perfume...
would be a vast understatement.
Dr. Bronfman took me from
playing with my own feces...
then to crayons...
then to an appreciation of the
complex works of Franz Kline...
Joseph Beuys, Marcel Duchamp.
From compulsive masturbation-
This is who I am, Louise. This is
what I look like! This is me!
And I don't want to
pretend anymore.
I offer you electrolysis
because...
jeez, that's all I have to offer.
But I want whatever makes
you happy, okay?
-Does this make you happy?
-Why won't they let me be happy?
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
-And I killed Puff.
-No. Puffs not dead.
Sort of, he is.
And sort of, I did it.
You'll come home with me.
We're going to fix you right up.
We'll work around
the clock until it's done.
And so, goodnight, adieu...
until we meet again.
Au revoir.
-You were wonderful.
-Was I? I wasn't a tad stiff?.
Oh, don't be silly.
And you were wonderful, too.
I especially liked the way
you said, ''Au revoir.''
Come on you two.
Let's go celebrate.
That's it. My name's Puff.
And now, the tango.
I thought it went
swimmingly today.
-You two make an excellent team.
-Fantastic.
To be taken from the depths
of depravity and ignorance...
and raised to the heights
of culture and refinement.
This is the priceless gift
bestowed on me by...
Dr. Nathan Bronfman.
Done.
So, we have 17 new bookings,
my wonderful man.
Terrific. We're all going
to be rich and famous.
-Thanks to you, Nate.
-Thanks to you, buddy.
And your diligence and your
intelligence and perseverance.
And, of course, to you,
my sweet, for your...
for your moral support.
Excuse me.
Are you Dr. Bronfman?
-Yes.
-Is that a little boy?
No, Puff. This is a dwarf.
I guess they prefer to
be called ''little people''.
-Isn't that correct, my good man?
-In actuality...
I prefer to be
called Dr. Edelstein.
Dr. Edelstein is a fully-grown
adult, Puff, believe it or not.
-Who, due to a genetic anomaly-
-Achondroplasia.
-who, due to achondroplasia, is
actually a miniature human being.
interesting.
Dr. Edelstein, what is it
we can do for you?
For starters, you can find
your way into...
that ludicrous Lucite case.
-Not you.
-Look, what is this about?
We have no money on the premises.
Please, if you're from some...
little person, or rather,
achondroplasiac terrorist group...
I want you to know I fully
support your cause-
I'm beginning to tire of you,
Dr. Bronfman.
-Lila?
-Surprised, dearheart?
-This is Lila?
-Yes, this is Lila. Cunt!
American and proud of it.
The hair's gone, Nathan.
All taken care of.
And I have muscles now. And I get
looks every day in the street.
-You're beautiful.
-Do you want to touch me, or what?
-Yes.
-Poor baby.
Thank you, Frank.
You're the best.
Anything and everything
for you, my dear.
Frank and I both know
what it is to be shunned...
because of our appearance.
''The attempt to force human
beings to despise themselves...
is what I call hell.
Andre Malraux.
Sorry, parking's
a bitch at this place.
There's an overflow lot
across the street.
Yeah, I found it.
Just over on Tilton.
You can't miss it.
Right next to the V.A. hospital.
We'd be happy to validate
your stub.
Tie them up.
With pleasure.
All right, Fifi, give me
your hands. Come on.
Stay.
Bad.
Get up.
Stop.
Take off your clothes.
Come on.
Off.
We're going back to nature, you
and I. I'm going to retrain you.
-I'm going to make you free again.
-But I like being human now.
-I want to be the way I was before?
-Good!
I'm going to show you how.
And so began my
re-education, gentlemen.
Lila taught me so much.
She was a stern but fair teacher.
And over time...
I began to remember the joy of
living in a pure state of being.
But something else happened
as well.
Something perhaps
distinctly human.
Boy, you look so good
from this angle.
Sorry.
You're looking lovely this
evening. Hello, my name is Puff.
I am a perfect gentleman.
Do you want to touch me,
Nathan, or what?
I think something is wrong
with Nathan.
I, too, think something is
wrong with you, Nathan.
You have changed. You are moody.
You lash out.
I feel when you make love
to me...
you really make love
to someone else!
He hardly looks at me during
our love-making sessions.
I would never stop looking
at you if you were my girl.
Mother, will you please tell
Wayne to stop...
-hitting on my girlfriend?
-He's a 6-year-old boy, Nathan.
He's hitting on her.
That's not hitting on her?
Calm down,
no one's hitting on anyone.
Maybe you could learn something
from your brother...
about how to treat a woman. Do
you no longer love me, or what?
Tell me now!
Just as I suspected.
Get down from the tree.
Oh, please.
Is that as articulate
as you can be...
after all the time
I spent teaching you?
We discussed Wittgenstein,
for God's sake.
Not that you ever had
anything enlightening...
to say on the subject.
Don't worry, Lila.
I'm only here for Puff.
I'm with Gabrielle now.
She's a wonderful girl.
Not some sweaty, dirty...
lusty girl.
Can I touch you, Lila?
Just smell you...
how you smell now...
all dirty and powerful.
Please teach me to be an ape,
too. I'll study really hard.
See, I've been practicing.
I'm not really good at it yet...
but watch. I'm trying.
Put the gun down. Please, let's
be reasonable human beings here.
You and Lila stay and have your
natural life. I'll go.
You'll never see me again.
I'm not an ape.
Can I talk?
I have to talk.
Hello, Nathan.
Nice to see you.
Allow me to explain my position.
Before you found me...
I was a simple complete being
in harmony with my world.
After you, I became duplicitous,
anal, totally out of touch...
with my surroundings.
In a word, Nathan...
I became you.
Lila has reintroduced me
to myself.
Hello, Lila.
I love and honor you.
I think you should
put the gun down.
Please! Don't interrupt me.
How very rude of you.
Words, words, words.
Words are evil!
Are they not evil,
these words we use?
Does anyone know the
definition of simultanagnosia?
I was intending to look it up
before Lila saved me.
It's the inability to perceive
elements as components of a whole.
Thank you! Thank you!
My pleasure. Don't mention it.
Good to see you again.
Stop! Okay...
Now I'm confused.
Nothing's right.
I need to make sense. I need...
I need to make...
-Puff, you're agitated.
-I talk! I! I talk! Not you! I!
I talk! I sing. I dance.
I kill you.
And then...
-I shot Nathan.
-Then Lila shot Nathan.
Then Puff shot me.
Then I died. That's all I know.
That's the end of my story.
Do I go to heaven now?
Or is it hell?
Or what?
I just stay here?
I just stay here
and tell it again?
Puff...
What happened to you is
as much my fault as Nathan's.
I'm going to turn myself in
for the murder.
-I won't let you do that.
-Stay here in the woods.
This is a sacrifice
I need to make.
Then I'll live for both of us.
I'll be the most...
free...
-truest animal in the whole forest.
-That's what I'm counting on.
But, first, go back and testify
before Congress about...
the waywardness of humankind.
Okay.
If you think it'll help.
And so, gentlemen,
that is my story.
I agreed to testify before this
committee because I hope...
to convey to the American
public that there is indeed...
a paradise lost. Human beings
have become so enamored...
of their intellectual prowess
that they've forgotten to...
Look to the earth...
as a teacher.
This is hubris, my friends.
And my story of destruction and
betrayal is proof of that.
I will keep my promise to Lila.
I will shed this suit...
and return to the wilderness.
I will live out my days naked...
and free.
Thank you, sir,
and God bless you.
Your story has deeply
touched us all.
We will pass some legislation
addressing this problem.
Thank you.
That is all I ask.
Goodbye, Lila.
I take you with me
in my untamed heart.
I have to say, the crowd
is just eating it up.
I think that maybe he has touched
us all with his message...
of respect for
the natural world.
And perhaps we have all
grown a little bit today.
He's just turned west
on Warren Aven-
Wait!
I saw you on C-Span.
I've been looking for you for
Such a beautiful...
beautiful grown man.
-Mother?
-Yes, Derek.
It's a pleasure to
meet you, Mother.
But I'm an ape
like Dad was, and...
I have to go back into
the woods now. Forever.
Oh, I suppose so.
I suppose that's what I thought
you were going to say.
It's good to see you
again, though.
I'm in the book. If you want to
drop me a line or something.
I'm an ape, Mom.
I'm an ape.
And apes don't drop lines.
-Hello, my little boy.
-Hey, Ma.
Did you bring any clothes?
I'm freezing my ass off.
Oui. Nathan's suit.
Sweet.
You know...
I've wanted you forever.
-Say my name.
-Gabrielle.
-You remind me so much of Nathan.
-Like father, like son.
Plus, so much of my little
mongrel doggie.
-Let's go eat. I'm starving.
-French?
Oui.
Do you think this will affect
the sales of your book?
-Lila, are you sorry you did it?
-I'm not sorry.
I am sorry.
I don't even know
what sorry means anymore.
I'm not sorry.
So I spend the rest of
my life in jail. So what?
I've been in jail
my whole life anyway.
A jail of blood and tissue...
and coursing hormones.
A called the human body.
The only thing I know
is that I'm sorry.
Sorry for my expulsion. Sorry for
my Lila rotting in her jail cell.
And sorry for Nathan...
rotting in his grave.
I don't even know what
sorry means anymore.
It's odd.
When I was alive, I knew.
Maybe it was all I knew.
But here...
sorry is meaningless.
Love is meaningless.
-Jealousy is meaningless.
-My story begins when I was 12.
Jesus.
Something terrible happened
that year.
My mother said because of it, I
would never be able to get a man.
So I should get used to the idea of
dedicating my life to the pursuit...
of knowledge or religion
or whatever.
It's hormonal. Nature is
a funny and complex thing.
It could get worse with time.
By the time I was 20,
I looked like an ape.
The way that mouse looked at me.
It didn't care if I had hair
all over my body.
I was just what I was.
I felt so free.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
Something about a mouse, right?
I don't think there's anyone in
the world who doesn't know...
by now that I was raised
in the wilderness by an ape.
Well, to be fair, by a man who
thought himself an ape. But...
it amounts to the same thing,
gentlemen, does it not?
After spending years in a mental
hospital for attempting to...
take up residence in the ape
house of the local zoo...
he did his best to live by your
rules. He got a job...
he married a human,
they had me.
Until a national tragedy undid
all those years of therapy...
and reminded him what the
human race was truly about.
Apes don't assassinate their
presidents, gentlemen.
So, he stole little me
from my human mother...
and raised me with love and
tenderness and respect.
Until quite recently gentlemen,
I believed myself to be an ape.
Although, I didn't know
specifically what type.
Apes don't think in terms of type.
It might be argued, gentlemen...
that apes don't even know
they're apes.
In retrospect, however,
I'd say I was a...
pygmy chimp.
I have to say
I always hated apes.
Of course, I don't any longer.
Now I don't even know
what hate means.
But while alive, I hated apes.
I blame my parents.
I mean, I don't blame them.
I don't know what blame is
really, anymore, but...
I think they influenced me
in my ape-hating tendencies.
Mama, look! Monkey!
Nathan, chimpanzees are apes,
not monkeys.
And furthermore, Harold,
tell the boy.
Tell him, Harold.
The ape is our closest
biological relative.
Specifically...
the pygmy chimp.
A single chromosome separates us.
But do you know what...
-truly separates us?
-No, Papa, what?
Civilization. Without it, we
might as well be living in pens...
throwing our feces...
masturbating in public, sniffing
red, swollen female rump.
Your adoptive father and I
whisked you away from a life...
that most certainly would've been
one of degradation and alcoholism.
Your part of the bargain is
to never wallow...
in the filth of instinct.
Any dumb animal can do that.
An animal saved my life...
so I decided to go live
among them in the forest.
You see, animals have eyes
that don't judge.
Look at all the hair,
everywhere, everywhere.
On the possum and the woodchuck
and the cuddly old bear.
I used to be embarrassed of hair.
Not fit to caress.
Now, I'm so sure
it's a blessing...
I've got no need of dressing.
I once thought God
A Creator diabolical
He gave the nod
To each one of my follicles
Head to my baby toe
Now I'm free
No more cares
I've accepted
My millions of hairs
My new friends
These split ends
Far away from
Those terrible stares
Squirrels don't mind
Nor do ravens
If a girl is furred
Or clean-shaven
Creatures are kind so I have
Found my new green haven
And I ain't gonna go
'Cause I'm one of them
You know
I figured out a way to stay
in the woods forever.
I became a nature writer.
Last night, on my mountaintop...
I felt the wind whip
through my hair.
It was violent.
I almost died.
All my petty concerns were sent
flying with those gale force winds.
I was in nature.
I was nature!
An otter, a stork, an oak tree.
A woman.
When I became a famous nature
writer, I said to myself...
''Fuck humanity.'' I never saw my
public, I never saw my publisher.
I never saw another human being
and it was wonderful.
But I have to admit by the time
I was 30, I was very horny.
I had to have a man in my life.
I would become what I needed
to become to achieve this.
My success would allow me to
afford to become a hairless lie.
-Progress!
-Yeah?
Yeah. Honey, you are getting
smooth, smooth, smooth all over.
-Smooth as a baby's butt.
-I love it, Louise.
-I'm getting like a real girl.
-You still in the market for...
-a real boy?
-Always.
'Cause my brother knows this guy.
Might be right up your alley.
Tell me. I could use
someone up my alley.
I don't get that.
Something sexual?
Shut up and tell me.
-Handsome, 30's, psychologist.
-Loves animals?
-Must love animals, Louise.
-Loves animals. Loves you.
What do you mean?
Well, somehow it came up that
you're a friend of mine...
and Mr. Handsome Animal-loving
Psychologist said...
-that he would love to meet you.
-Won't he be able to tell?
My brother says the guy's a
So, maybe he won't know how
a woman usually feels.
Plus, he has bad eyesight.
Almost legally blind.
Which is very helpful in this
situation. Plus...
he has an extremely small penis of
which he is mortifyingly ashamed.
And chances are...
he will be so grateful for any
non-judgmental attention...
-he will be yours forever.
-He must be really close...
to your brother to tell him
such personal stuff.
Oh, yeah.
My brother's his shrink.
-Fuck Humanity's a delightful read.
-Thank you so much.
-Yes, I'm a real animal lover.
-I work with animals.
Right now...
I'm teaching mice...
well...
table manners, to be candid.
-And how's it going?
-I hope you don't think me daft.
It's important work. It's part of
a larger sociological experiment.
-I'm federally funded.
-What's the larger experiment?
My thesis is that courtesy,
decorum, manners are all...
sadly lacking from our daily
intercourse. Rudeness and...
vulgarity are the norm. Ergo,
if I can teach table manners...
to mice, then I can
teach them to humans.
And if I can teach table manners
to humans, then maybe... I can...
make the world
a little bit safer.
Lord, thank You for this bountiful
gift we are about to receive.
Amen.
Oh, God, Nathan. No.
That's the wrong fork, young man.
Harold, tell him.
-It's the wrong fork.
-I'm sorry.
I'll use the right one.
I forgot.
Harold.
Tell him.
It's too late.
You'll have to go to your room.
And do you think, maybe, this...
early childhood indoctrination
has something to do with...
your interest in table manners
in the present?
Seems a tad convenient,
don't you think, Wendall?
Well, do you have any thoughts
then on where this passion...
-might've come from?
-It's my work.
You can't reduce my passion
to parental indoctrination.
Why did Picasso paint?
Why did Mozart compose?
Picasso's father was a painter.
Mozart's father was a musician.
Yes, okay. Now you're being nasty.
Now you're just showing off.
I really didn't come
here to be mocked.
Well, that certainly
wasn't my intention.
It's my work, Wendall.
That's all.
Voil.
This looks wonderful.
You look wonderful.
I'm on top of the world
tonight, Lila.
My work is going splendidly
and my personal life...
The fork. Fork!
I'm sorry?
It's just...the outside fork
is usually the salad fork.
-One goes from the outside in.
-Oh, I'm sorry. I never really...
-learned these things.
-It's no biggie.
Oh, boy, this is good.
-I'm sorry if I became upset.
-No, I'm sorry.
I'm a little backwards
in some ways.
It's just that I really
enjoy your company.
-You do?
-Yes.
Please, Lila.
Please don't talk when
you have food in your mouth.
You're so pretty,
and it only mars your...
I'm being critical.
I can't believe
you think I'm pretty.
I have some peculiarities,
you see.
-I think you're pretty, too.
-You do?
Yes, I really do. And I have
peculiarities, also.
Well, I don't care. I don't care.
-No?
-No.
Like what, for example?
Like... Nothing.
I cannot believe how in love
with this man I am.
Louise, he's so cute.
Even his little penis.
It's like a little pig's penis
or something. It's charming.
Well, you've always
been an animal lover.
-He's gonna find out, Lou.
-You're a wonderful woman.
-He's lucky to have you.
-Louise...
you're removing hair from
my feet as you say that.
So you have a physical quirk.
Big deal.
I'll tell you what I fall in love
with in a man...his mind, period.
-There's a limit.
-No, period. End of sentence...
end of paragraph,
close the book, we're done.
me a man with intellect,
like my brother.
I know he's average looking,
but he's so smart. You know?
I could care less
about the packaging.
-You don't fuck the packaging.
-Yeah, you do.
You fuck the mind, Lila.
You fuck the mind, period.
Close the book, end the sentence,
close the whatever.
Hey. I have a really smart friend
for you. He has an I.Q. of 170.
-What's he look like?
-Oh, he's gorgeous.
-He's sort of a midget.
-Jesus, Lila.
I'm not dating a fucking midget.
What is love anyway? From my new
vantage point, I realize that...
love is nothing more than a messy
conglomeration of need...
desperation, fear of death
and insecurity about penis size.
But I'm not judging it. I know
how miserable it is to be alive.
Listen...
I don't want to be dead yet.
Is there any way to...
Hello?
No, I suppose not.
No biggie.
Anyway, Lila moved in.
We had our problems...
but we both wanted love so badly,
we turned a blind eye.
Like the first time I brought
Lila to meet my parents.
It's lovely to finally meet you,
Mr. and Mrs. Bronfman.
Nathan's told me so much about
you. All good things, of course.
Thank you, dear.
I'm sorry, will somebody please
tell me who this little boy is?
Your father and I have adopted
an additional son.
Wayne just returned
from a week at Peace Camp...
and a week at Science Camp. Tell
everyone what you've learned.
Conflict resolution and
flatworm dissection.
-Very nice to meet you, Wayne.
-Nice to meet you. Our mom's...
-told me so much about you.
-Yes, I wish I could say the same.
By the way, his elbow
is on the table.
-Good boy.
-Good boy? That's it? Good boy?
You shouldn't be speaking to your
mother in that tone of voice.
Forgive me, but it seems to me that
Wayne needs a tad more disci-
Sorry, Mom.
I don't know where my head was.
Wayne is quite
self-disciplined for his age.
-Meaning?
-He does seem very disciplined.
But I wonder, do you think it's
the best thing for a child-
Lila's a nature writer, Mother.
Did you know that?
She writes about animals and
nature and other things...
about nature in addition to that.
Wind, animals, what have you.
Squirrels.
I love nature.
As long as it stays in the zoo
where it belongs.
I hate Wayne. Don't you?
Listen. I'm sorry about my
mother's reaction to your work.
-What are you doing in there?
-You didn't seem sorry when...
you were laughing at her endless
stupid, cruel animal jokes.
I was simply attempting to
keep the evening light.
You know I feel similarly
to you about nature.
-Do you?
-Oh, yes. Of course. I love it.
-Do you? Oh, do you, darling?
-It's my favorite, nature.
I'm so relieved.
Let's celebrate tomorrow with
a long hike in the woods.
Oh, what a great idea.
That shaving cream?
I don't think so.
Why?
Then, gentlemen, one day I saw
something I hadn't seen since...
my father's death.
I saw other apes.
They chattered away in
what seemed to be gibberish.
Later, I learned it was English.
Now I wonder if perhaps my initial
assessment hadn't been correct.
I saw a flash of white.
-Did you see that?
-What?
-I don't know. Something.
-A deer?
No, too upright.
A person?
It might behoove us
to turn back at this point.
If it's a person,
why should we go see it?
It's not like it's nature.
Lila, people who live in the
woods don't want to be seen.
We should respect their wishes.
This is how you get ticks.
This is it. Lyme disease.
For God's sake, what are you-
An ape as I had never seen before.
Like me, yet different.
And all at once I felt
a heat pass through me.
Gentlemen, I wanted to touch her,
caress her, to be one with her.
I had urges I could not explain.
And so I did what any animal
would do in that situation.
He bolted.
Who are you?
You don't understand my
language, do you?
Now look what you've done.
Is he dead?
-No.
-Please put something on.
It's cold, you'll catch a cold.
What do you suppose he is...
-a survivalist?
-I think he's feral.
Feral? Oh, don't touch him.
He might be diseased.
Oh, my God, rabies!
-He looks perfectly fine.
-My God, I think we should go.
Nathan, I don't understand you.
This is fascinating.
Here's a human being, totally
uncontaminated by civilization.
And all you want to
do is run to the car.
-You're starting to annoy me.
-Forget the mice.
Forget guinea pigs.
Forget cats. Monkeys, too.
I'm on to stage five,
the human subject.
No.
I can change him.
I can teach him.
I can save this unfortunate
man's life!
I won't let you, it's wrong.
He's happy here.
Happy? Is he happy? Never to
know the love of a good woman.
Never to read Moby Dick
or marvel at a Monet.
You'd be taking away his freedom.
Freedom's just another word
for nothing left to lose, Lila.
Doctor?
Good morning.
Only three shocks.
A chimp takes 15. This is going
to be trs simple, no, Gabrielle?
-Oui, doctor.
-Good morning.
-We need to give him a name.
-Oui.
-You decide. Today is your day.
-Really? My day?
I had a sweet little mongrel dog
named Puff when I was a girl.
Puff.
This one reminds me of my dog.
All shaggy. So cute.
I loved my doggie
very much, Monsieur.
Puff it is, then.
-Puff Bronfman. Is that okay?
-Oui, perfect.
Good morning, Puff Bronfman.
My name is Dr. Bronfman...
and this is my assistant,
Gabrielle.
We're your mommy and
daddy while you're here.
Would you like some salad, son?
-Dr. Bronfman! Dr. Bronfman!
-Hi, Gabrielle.
I just wanted to tell you that I
very much enjoy working with you.
Now I'm embarrassed
that I say this.
No, no. Don't be.
I really enjoyed hearing that.
-You're a terrific assistant.
-Merci.
Would you like to go
get a cup of coffee, perhaps?
Well, I don't know.
-Actually, I'm on my way to...
-Now I am truly embarrassed.
Forgive me. I should not have
asked such a stupid question.
-You're a very important man.
-Don't be silly.
You're so sweet.
There, there.
You know just the right
thing to say to me.
I see you tomorrow, okay?
Unless... Am I fired now?
No. Of course not, Gabrielle.
I like it when you say my name.
Is that stupid?
Hello?
Hi, Gabrielle.
-Yes, right, Gabrielle.
-Who is it?
-Who is it?
-Someone from work.
I think you took the right
initiative, Gabrielle.
It shows you to be very wise.
Oh, really? Gabrielle...
Could you hold on just
one minute, please?
-Who is it, Nathan?
-I am on a work call... and I-
Nathan, I-
It's hormonal.
I can't help it.
-Your entire body?
-I'm doing electrolysis.
It takes time. It's working, but
in the meantime I have to shave-
-You have to shave? Like an ape?
-Apes don't shave...
-you son of a bitch!
-Don't quibble...
-you know what I mean.
-Please don't be mad at me.
-I'm not mad, I'm disgusted.
-I'm the same person.
I have to think.
I have to go.
Hello? Is anybody there?
No, thank you.
I couldn't eat another bite.
It is lovely to make
your acquaintance.
My apologies, madam.
It shan't happen again.
-My compliments to the chef.
-''idiopathic hirsutism occurs...
in women who have hair follicles
highly sensitive to...
normal female androgen levels.''
How could I find myself
in this mess?
Is my girlfriend a man?
No. But she deceived me.
She has hair,
she's not supposed to.
Oh, doctor! I did not know.
I'm sorry to disturb you.
I just came for
some papers I left.
Sorry I startled you,
I just came to think.
-My God, did I hang up on you?
-Oui.
Perhaps I called at a bad time?
-I am sorry.
-I'm sorry. I was distracted.
-Is everything fine?
-Oui.
Now you've got me talking French.
I was in my p.j.'s when I
remembered I left some papers...
I need to go over. See?
I rushed right out of the house.
-I must look a mess.
-No, not at all.
I'm in my p.j.'s, too.
Funny, huh?
And how is our son?
-What?
-Our son.
Puff.
He seems fine. I guess
we woke him up with the lights.
I should turn them off.
Maybe I sing him a lullaby
my mama sang to me...
when I was a little girl.
-When you're a little French girl?
-But of course, silly.
That might be very soothing...
for him to hear that.
Can you point me to
the Cezanne exhibit?
There.
Shall we close up, then?
I shouldn't say this, but...
-you're a pretty girl, Gabrielle.
-Really?
-I always think of myself so ugly.
-No.
Well, no, not ugly, but plain.
A wallflower.
Not at all. You're a very pretty
girl. You should know that.
-You should be confident.
-Thank you so much. Merci.
It is too wonderful to hear a
man say such a nice compliment.
-It's true. I wouldn't lie.
-You are sweet to me.
So soft.
-Doctor...
-I'm sorry.
I saw it, gentlemen. I saw the
whole sweaty, passionate...
ugly, beautiful act.
And to use the vernacular...
I wanted me some of that.
And I think I understood
from that moment...
that in order to get some,
I would have to play their game.
Excellent, Puff, excellent.
Excellent.
Now, the lady you're with excuses
herself to go powder her nose.
-Perfect, Puff, perfect.
-Bravo.
I still feel guilt, even dead.
One would have hoped that...
You know, I really did love Lila.
It's just that with her problem
and then when Gabrielle...
revealed her feelings, I... She
was just so conventionally female.
She had that accent.
I... I was lost from then on.
Are you seeing somebody else, Nathan
I'm sorry to ask
but I need to know.
-Of course not.
-It would be helpful to know.
No.
Because, you know, lately,
you seem so distant.
You work late every night and we
hardly ever have sex...
and when we do, it's...
-different.
-I've been preoccupied lately.
Do you like my new look?
-It's nice.
-Really?
I'm trying, you know.
I'm trying to be what you want.
I want to be what
you want me to be, Nathan.
All I want is to be
what you want.
-You're exactly what I want.
-Really?
Sure.
Of course.
I'm really trying.
You know what?
Louise said that I only have
two more years of electrolysis.
-That's great.
-And I signed up for ballet class.
Look at my nails.
Like a real girl!
-That's a great color on you.
-Oh, Nathan, let's have a baby.
So that's the nightmare I've been ha
for the life of me,
figure out what it's about.
-I think it may be about Lila.
-Lila? How?
Ever since she broached the
subject of children you've been...
on edge, and I know you have
an issue with her body hair.
I see that.
That's something to consider.
I felt it had more to do with
child-rearing concerns.
The monkey-baby representing
parenta...
I think it's important that you
look at your feelings for Lila.
Well, I love Lila.
She's wonderful. And she loves
me. That's no small potatoes.
And she's a good person.
That's pretty rare in this world.
How could I stop loving someone...
because of a little
physical imperfection?
-If it can even be called that.
-How do you feel about Gabrielle?
Good evening...
ladies...
and gentle...
men!
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Bravo, Puff, bravo!
Isn't Puff doing spectacularly?
Nathan, we have to talk,
you and I.
-My little French poodle.
-Stop, get away.
-What is it?
-You have to choose.
It is like Sophie's Choice.
Only it is Nathan's Choice.
Did you ever see that movie,
Sophie's Choice? It is like that.
Only it is this.
-I'm trying to sort things out.
-It is now that you must decide!
I love you, Dr. Nathan.
But I will not wait.
I will not be your chippy...
your little Mademoiselle
Parlez-vous side dish.
I want to have...
a sweet, tiny baby...
inside my belly... from you.
I love you so much, Gabrielle.
But? But?
There is a ''but,'' Nathan.
I don't know how to leave Lila.
Goodbye, Nathan.
Oh, Nathan.
I'm so happy!
I know everything's
going to be just great.
Voil.
-Voil.
-Thanks.
-How's work?
-Cruddy. You satisfied?
I don't want your work
to be cruddy.
I'm sorry.
My assistant quit today.
He was highly valuable
to the project.
Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
-Can you find somebody else?
-I guess. Whatever.
I could come work for you.
I know I haven't been that...
supportive of the project,
but I've come around.
It's a wonderful project.
You taking that...
poor, uncivilized creature and
turning him into a human being.
What a compassionate,
kind man you are.
-I had sold my fucking soul.
-I let her sell her soul.
I stood by as she did it.
It's inexcusable.
At the time, though, I thought
it might be good for her.
When she came to work with Nathan,
gentlemen, she seemed different.
I don't know, somehow...
soulless.
Bravo!
-Bravo to you, Puff.
-Bravo!
Tame me, doctor.
Tame your little monkey of love.
-Well, I'm tamed, Dr. Bronfman.
-I'm glad... my assistant.
Thank you.
I'll start today with
the foie gras.
-I gotta crow
-I gotta crow
I gotta crow
-and raised to the highest
of culture and refinement.
This is a priceless gift bestowed
upon me by Dr. Nathan Bronfman.
-End of tape 43.
-I think he's ready.
Oh, boy!
Oh, boy.
Now, Puff, we're leaving
the electric collar on.
I don't think we'll need
to shock you, but just in case.
Okay. That's fair.
Congratulations.
-Oh, thank you.
-No, Puff bad!
-My apologies, madam.
-It's all right, Puff.
It shan't happen again.
Shall we?
This is great, Puff.
You're doing fine.
I'm loving this. It's such a
treat to be out and about.
What a wonderful invention the
city is, the immense buildings...
of glass and steel glinting
in the afternoon sun...
the smartly dressed women in
their best summer frocks...
-the colorful street vendors.
-How is everything?
Just spectacular. Great salmon.
Fantastico!
You've got to give me the recipe.
My compliments to the chef!
I'm glad you like it.
The chef will be very... pleased.
So, will that be all?
It shan't happen again, I swear.
I'm just getting my sea legs,
you know?
It's an animal urge, Puff.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Lila!
-Tell him.
-You have to control it.
We're not monkeys.
Lila?
Good, you're doing fine.
You're doing very nicely, Puff.
I'm pleased.
Excellent.
Great.
Excellent work, Puff.
Extra dessert tonight.
Tomorrow, the acid test.
-How y'all doing today?
-Very well.
-Very well.
-Good enough. What can I get you?
Puff, why don't you order first?
-What's a Reuben, please?
-What's a what, sweetheart?
A Reuben. That's a sandwich with
corned beef and sauerkraut-
Fine! That's what I'll have.
Corned beef is a good...
decent meat. Someone else
please go now, please.
I'll have the big basket.
I'm proud of you, Puff.
You did remarkably well under
difficult circumstances.
-Absolutely.
-Did I?
I tried so hard! I really
concentrated! Oh, I'm so happy!
And because you did so well, we
have a little surprise for you.
-Extra dessert?
-Even better.
Surprise!
Free to come and go as you
please. There's even some...
''mad money'' in the night
table drawer for you.
It's wonderful! Do you think
I'm ready, do you really?
I trust you'll make good,
mature decisions.
I trust you'll do
the proper thing.
I will. Your very trust has
instilled an enormous sense...
of responsibility in me.
I don't want to disappoint you.
Good. Remember, when in doubt...
don't ever do
what you really want to do.
-That's the key.
-Got it.
Oh, sorry, darling!
When some things are known...
of which, the one inheres in the
other or is locally distanced-
-related in some way
to the other...
the mind straightaway knows by
virtue of that simple...
apprehension of those things,
whether the thing inheres or...
does not inhere, whether it-
I'm going to go down and check
on Puff. See how he's holding up.
-Should I come?
-Nah, you just relax.
-How's the book?
-Mmm, good.
I won't be long.
Forget it! Maybe I'll just stay
here and get shitfaced again.
-That's a cIassy idea.
-It passes the time, doesn't it?
-Yeah, what?
-Hi, it's Nathan.
Call you back.
-You bastard! What do you want?
-Just want to talk.
You have made your decision,
Mr. Stinky American.
-I've got some things to tell you.
-Like what?
I think it would be easier if I
could talk to you face to face.
-What for?
-Well, I think-
You think too much!
All you are is one big thing...
with lots of thinks in it!
Full of thinks!
So many thinks that you have
nothing to think at all!
-What?
-You heard me.
You make me want to be sick
when you pretend that...
you don't understand what I am
saying to you. Go away from here!
-I'm sorry to have bothered you.
-All right, already!
Come in if you must. The door's
open, you son of a bitch!
In here, you lousy piece
of merde.
-Well?
-God, you're beautiful.
-Please, I look a mess.
-No, you look so beautiful.
Anyway, come already
to the point.
I'm going to leave Lila.
I can't stop thinking about you.
-I've moved on.
-I love you, Gabrielle.
Just give me some time
to let Lila down easy.
She's a really nice girl.
I don't want to hurt her
anymore than necessary.
You hurt me, you know...
when you made Nathan's Choice.
Does that not even matter
to you, you pig?
-You were gone a long time.
-Puff and I got into a...
big, philosophical discussion.
He really is quite well-read...
considering he's only been
literate for a month now.
He's going to make us
really famous, Lila.
-So he's doing okay?
-Yes.
Very well. Just a quiet evening
enjoying his new digs.
That's funny, because I just
went and picked him up...
at a flophouse
on the lower east side.
He called here after he ran
out of his mad money...
where he'd spent
the entire evening drinking...
watching strippers
and fucking a whore.
So, what did you do
tonight, honey?
-Shit.
-What did you do tonight, honey?
I'm in love with
somebody else, Lila.
-And what did you do tonight?
-I fucked her, ok? I fucked her!
Do you know what
I gave up to be with you?
-Yes.
-I gave up my soul!
I gave up my beliefs.
I gave up my body hair.
So, without further ado...
I give you Dr. Nathan Bronfman...
and Puff.
Thank you.
Let's get right to it.
Here we have Puff
on the day of his capture.
No maid service!
Can't you read the fucking
''do not disturb'' sign...
-hanging on my fucking doorknob?
-Lila, it's Louise.
Go the fuck away, Louise!
To say that he took me
from crayons to perfume...
would be a vast understatement.
Dr. Bronfman took me from
playing with my own feces...
then to crayons...
then to an appreciation of the
complex works of Franz Kline...
Joseph Beuys, Marcel Duchamp.
From compulsive masturbation-
This is who I am, Louise. This is
what I look like! This is me!
And I don't want to
pretend anymore.
I offer you electrolysis
because...
jeez, that's all I have to offer.
But I want whatever makes
you happy, okay?
-Does this make you happy?
-Why won't they let me be happy?
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
-And I killed Puff.
-No. Puffs not dead.
Sort of, he is.
And sort of, I did it.
You'll come home with me.
We're going to fix you right up.
We'll work around
the clock until it's done.
And so, goodnight, adieu...
until we meet again.
Au revoir.
-You were wonderful.
-Was I? I wasn't a tad stiff?.
Oh, don't be silly.
And you were wonderful, too.
I especially liked the way
you said, ''Au revoir.''
Come on you two.
Let's go celebrate.
That's it. My name's Puff.
And now, the tango.
I thought it went
swimmingly today.
-You two make an excellent team.
-Fantastic.
To be taken from the depths
of depravity and ignorance...
and raised to the heights
of culture and refinement.
This is the priceless gift
bestowed on me by...
Dr. Nathan Bronfman.
Done.
So, we have 17 new bookings,
my wonderful man.
Terrific. We're all going
to be rich and famous.
-Thanks to you, Nate.
-Thanks to you, buddy.
And your diligence and your
intelligence and perseverance.
And, of course, to you,
my sweet, for your...
for your moral support.
Excuse me.
Are you Dr. Bronfman?
-Yes.
-Is that a little boy?
No, Puff. This is a dwarf.
I guess they prefer to
be called ''little people''.
-Isn't that correct, my good man?
-In actuality...
I prefer to be
called Dr. Edelstein.
Dr. Edelstein is a fully-grown
adult, Puff, believe it or not.
-Who, due to a genetic anomaly-
-Achondroplasia.
-who, due to achondroplasia, is
actually a miniature human being.
interesting.
Dr. Edelstein, what is it
we can do for you?
For starters, you can find
your way into...
that ludicrous Lucite case.
-Not you.
-Look, what is this about?
We have no money on the premises.
Please, if you're from some...
little person, or rather,
achondroplasiac terrorist group...
I want you to know I fully
support your cause-
I'm beginning to tire of you,
Dr. Bronfman.
-Lila?
-Surprised, dearheart?
-This is Lila?
-Yes, this is Lila. Cunt!
American and proud of it.
The hair's gone, Nathan.
All taken care of.
And I have muscles now. And I get
looks every day in the street.
-You're beautiful.
-Do you want to touch me, or what?
-Yes.
-Poor baby.
Thank you, Frank.
You're the best.
Anything and everything
for you, my dear.
Frank and I both know
what it is to be shunned...
because of our appearance.
''The attempt to force human
beings to despise themselves...
is what I call hell.
Andre Malraux.
Sorry, parking's
a bitch at this place.
There's an overflow lot
across the street.
Yeah, I found it.
Just over on Tilton.
You can't miss it.
Right next to the V.A. hospital.
We'd be happy to validate
your stub.
Tie them up.
With pleasure.
All right, Fifi, give me
your hands. Come on.
Stay.
Bad.
Get up.
Stop.
Take off your clothes.
Come on.
Off.
We're going back to nature, you
and I. I'm going to retrain you.
-I'm going to make you free again.
-But I like being human now.
-I want to be the way I was before?
-Good!
I'm going to show you how.
And so began my
re-education, gentlemen.
Lila taught me so much.
She was a stern but fair teacher.
And over time...
I began to remember the joy of
living in a pure state of being.
But something else happened
as well.
Something perhaps
distinctly human.
Boy, you look so good
from this angle.
Sorry.
You're looking lovely this
evening. Hello, my name is Puff.
I am a perfect gentleman.
Do you want to touch me,
Nathan, or what?
I think something is wrong
with Nathan.
I, too, think something is
wrong with you, Nathan.
You have changed. You are moody.
You lash out.
I feel when you make love
to me...
you really make love
to someone else!
He hardly looks at me during
our love-making sessions.
I would never stop looking
at you if you were my girl.
Mother, will you please tell
Wayne to stop...
-hitting on my girlfriend?
-He's a 6-year-old boy, Nathan.
He's hitting on her.
That's not hitting on her?
Calm down,
no one's hitting on anyone.
Maybe you could learn something
from your brother...
about how to treat a woman. Do
you no longer love me, or what?
Tell me now!
Just as I suspected.
Get down from the tree.
Oh, please.
Is that as articulate
as you can be...
after all the time
I spent teaching you?
We discussed Wittgenstein,
for God's sake.
Not that you ever had
anything enlightening...
to say on the subject.
Don't worry, Lila.
I'm only here for Puff.
I'm with Gabrielle now.
She's a wonderful girl.
Not some sweaty, dirty...
lusty girl.
Can I touch you, Lila?
Just smell you...
how you smell now...
all dirty and powerful.
Please teach me to be an ape,
too. I'll study really hard.
See, I've been practicing.
I'm not really good at it yet...
but watch. I'm trying.
Put the gun down. Please, let's
be reasonable human beings here.
You and Lila stay and have your
natural life. I'll go.
You'll never see me again.
I'm not an ape.
Can I talk?
I have to talk.
Hello, Nathan.
Nice to see you.
Allow me to explain my position.
Before you found me...
I was a simple complete being
in harmony with my world.
After you, I became duplicitous,
anal, totally out of touch...
with my surroundings.
In a word, Nathan...
I became you.
Lila has reintroduced me
to myself.
Hello, Lila.
I love and honor you.
I think you should
put the gun down.
Please! Don't interrupt me.
How very rude of you.
Words, words, words.
Words are evil!
Are they not evil,
these words we use?
Does anyone know the
definition of simultanagnosia?
I was intending to look it up
before Lila saved me.
It's the inability to perceive
elements as components of a whole.
Thank you! Thank you!
My pleasure. Don't mention it.
Good to see you again.
Stop! Okay...
Now I'm confused.
Nothing's right.
I need to make sense. I need...
I need to make...
-Puff, you're agitated.
-I talk! I! I talk! Not you! I!
I talk! I sing. I dance.
I kill you.
And then...
-I shot Nathan.
-Then Lila shot Nathan.
Then Puff shot me.
Then I died. That's all I know.
That's the end of my story.
Do I go to heaven now?
Or is it hell?
Or what?
I just stay here?
I just stay here
and tell it again?
Puff...
What happened to you is
as much my fault as Nathan's.
I'm going to turn myself in
for the murder.
-I won't let you do that.
-Stay here in the woods.
This is a sacrifice
I need to make.
Then I'll live for both of us.
I'll be the most...
free...
-truest animal in the whole forest.
-That's what I'm counting on.
But, first, go back and testify
before Congress about...
the waywardness of humankind.
Okay.
If you think it'll help.
And so, gentlemen,
that is my story.
I agreed to testify before this
committee because I hope...
to convey to the American
public that there is indeed...
a paradise lost. Human beings
have become so enamored...
of their intellectual prowess
that they've forgotten to...
Look to the earth...
as a teacher.
This is hubris, my friends.
And my story of destruction and
betrayal is proof of that.
I will keep my promise to Lila.
I will shed this suit...
and return to the wilderness.
I will live out my days naked...
and free.
Thank you, sir,
and God bless you.
Your story has deeply
touched us all.
We will pass some legislation
addressing this problem.
Thank you.
That is all I ask.
Goodbye, Lila.
I take you with me
in my untamed heart.
I have to say, the crowd
is just eating it up.
I think that maybe he has touched
us all with his message...
of respect for
the natural world.
And perhaps we have all
grown a little bit today.
He's just turned west
on Warren Aven-
Wait!
I saw you on C-Span.
I've been looking for you for
Such a beautiful...
beautiful grown man.
-Mother?
-Yes, Derek.
It's a pleasure to
meet you, Mother.
But I'm an ape
like Dad was, and...
I have to go back into
the woods now. Forever.
Oh, I suppose so.
I suppose that's what I thought
you were going to say.
It's good to see you
again, though.
I'm in the book. If you want to
drop me a line or something.
I'm an ape, Mom.
I'm an ape.
And apes don't drop lines.
-Hello, my little boy.
-Hey, Ma.
Did you bring any clothes?
I'm freezing my ass off.
Oui. Nathan's suit.
Sweet.
You know...
I've wanted you forever.
-Say my name.
-Gabrielle.
-You remind me so much of Nathan.
-Like father, like son.
Plus, so much of my little
mongrel doggie.
-Let's go eat. I'm starving.
-French?
Oui.