Hurricane Bianca (2016) Movie Script
1
(various voices)
Once upon a time,
it seemed like
a hundred years ago...
Girl, it was not that long.
(clears throat)
In a land far, far away...
Let's not get carried away.
A new teacher was starting
her first day of classes.
She was mean and hateful.
She had her reasons.
Will you stop interrupting?
I will if you start
at the beginning.
Fine!
There lived a kind
and decent man named Richard.
This is an example of when
many large thunderstorms
come together
and spin like a funnel--
...who was perhaps the most
awkward teacher in Manhattan.
When is our regular
teacher coming back?
If you have a question,
raise your hand.
Now...
Yes?
When is our regular
teacher coming back?
Your regular teacher
is coming back on Monday.
We have two more topics left
on our Time Warp
Throught Science Tour.
Pay attention.
Who am I dressed up as?
My grandpa?
Okay, you know what, kids?
This is-- I'm just going to move
things along a little faster.
Our next stop throught our Time
Warp throught Science Tour is--
Get ready!
Are you ready?
Our next science genius is...
(laughing)
A scary old lady?
No!
Marie Curie!
This is boring!
Can we talk about
sex ed or something?
(bell ringing)
I leave you with this.
My favourite Marie Curie quote--
The way of progress
was neither swift nor easy.
Remember that,
my little scientists.
See you soon!
If they'll have me back.
(thunder rumbling)
(thunder crashing)
Hurricane Bianca
Dear Mr. Martinez.
Blah, blah, blah.
Sorry to inform you that you
are not chosen for this year's
teaching ambassador program.
Blah, blah, blah.
Please try again next year.
So I'm-- I'm talking
to my landlord, okay?
And she's like,
Sorry for the construction,
If you'd like to leave early...
I'm like, the nerve, right?
Like, I'm going to leave early?
I'm going to leave when my lease
is up, you sundried Barbie!
(chuckles)
-Excuse us!
-Coming throught!
We're late, bitch.
Well, I'm on time.
Ooh!
My feet hurt.
You wear cheap shoes.
I beg yout pardon.
I have large toes.
Move!
Hey!
(murmurs indistinctly)
Chakha Convict!
IDs!
Oh, girl, come on.
Th-that's a...
that's a chemistry joke
because I'm
a chemistry, uh, teacher.
(coughing)
I would wait here if I were you.
They're about to tell him
it's his last night.
He totally bombed again.
Hi, guys!
Hi!
Hi, Richard!
You were...
incredible.
Thanks.
See ya!
Don't try it.
Cute bird's nest.
I'm sorry we were late.
We heard your show was okay.
Worse than leprosy.
-I love leopards.
-Shut up Girl!
Did you do that
mime bit we practiced?
No, I wasn't
feeling that bit tonight.
Do you know what's worse?
I even found out today
that I didn't get that
teaching position that
I was telling you two about.
-What?
-Aw, Dick.
But we didn't want
you to leave no-how.
Well, listen, I pay $3,468.52
without utilities each month
for that mouse-ridden
shithole of an apartment
they're going
to kick me out of.
Mm.
Well, listen, sister.
Now, you know this
old nasty freeloading bitch
is still on my nice couch.
-It's a futon.
-It's a professional sectional.
(belches)
Anyhow, we can gas up
the air mattress, baby,
and put it right
in the living room.
Three's company!
As much as I appreciate you two,
I think I'm just a little
too old for that, you know?
And besides,
I've been here 11 years
and I've got nothing
to show for it.
I just think inside,
personally, I'm done.
I'm just done.
Yeah, maybe.
Oh, you know, we're going
to need some drinks, okay?
Excuse me?
Do you have the drink tickets?
Yeah.
The bird's nest bitch at the
door said we're on her list.
(banging)
(coughing)
Hello?
Is this Richard Martinez?
Uh, yes. Hi.
Who's this?
Lawrence Tailor from the
Teaching Ambassador program.
Oh, hi!
How are you?
Very well.
I have some fabulous news.
O-oh?
A last-minute slot has
opened up in our program,
but I just wanted to check
if you were still interested.
Uh, uh, yeah! Yeah.
I'm very interested.
Good.
It's in Milford, Texas!
I think I actually
have something in my eye.
Okay.
Obviously, we would supply you
with first-class accommodations.
Fully furnished, beautiful area,
landscaped backyard.
Just to die for!
Uh, uh & I'll take it!
Can I take it?
Milford High needs
a new science teacher,
and your teaching certificate
is endorsed in chemistry,
but I just wanted to check
that you were still available.
Of course!
I'm your man!
(chuckles)
Sucker!
Well, that's the last of it.
-I'm going to miss you, Boo.
-You too.
Bye.
Yeah!
(Reporter) Well, folks,
it might not be the best time
to book that trip Mexico,
because it looks like
the National Harricane Center
has updated Tropical Storm
Bianca to a hurricane.
First of the season.
Stay tuned for updates.
You don't want to miss this.
Gotta get
the heck outta here...
Hey! Looks like
I'm your new neightbour.
Okay.
(spits)
Gotta go, gotta get
the heck outta here...
(goats bleating)
Hey, Shorty!
Now's not a good time
for making a mess.
-You just told me--
-Superintendent's on her way!
Make yourself scarse!
Sorry, Miss Ward.
Hi.
I'm looking for
the vice principal.
She's in a mood.
Okay.
What are you still doing here?
-The nurse said that---
-Hit the road.
-But--
-Get out of here.
What do you need?
Uh, Richard Martinez.
New science teacher.
[scoffs]
You're early.
Uh, you must be Debbie Ward.
[sighs]
Deb or Deborah.
Never Debbie.
Okay, uh, Deborah.
I just wanted
to stop by to say hi,
and maybe you can point me
in the-- in the right direction.
I'm not really sure-- Wow!
I love your purse.
First of all, don't be late.
Or early? Okay?
It annoys the hell out of me.
Second of all, don't bother me.
Third of all, leave the
faggy ties at home, okay?
Because nothing bothers
me more than faggy tie.
Now...
Look, here's your lesson plan.
Creationism?
I mean,
but I'm a science teacher.
I don't have time, okay?
Superintendent's on her way!
Go upstairs, find Coach Chuck
in the teachers' lounge.
Second floor.
(makes clicking sound)
Second floor.
Thanks.
Honestly.
(smacks lips together)
Happy birthday to me.
Ah!
You must be, um, Coach Chuck!
Hey, man.
You deliver my tacos?
Uh, no.
Uh, I'm, uh, Richard Martinez,
the new science teacher.
I know.
I was joking with you
because you're Spanish-looking.
-Oh.
-Do you want some cake?
Uh, no, I'm pretty good.
-Pretty good.
-Ah, don't be a sissy.
-Have a tit.
-Oh, uh, thanks.
There we go. Mm.
(Chuck) So this is the library.
(Richard) Um hmm.
Pretty standard, really.
You got to check it out every
once in a while for sleepers.
Sleepers?
(blows whistle)
Get up!
Don't let me see that again!
Well, now that you're in Texas,
I recommend that
you get one of these.
A diary?
-I don't think I need a diary.
-No, it's a little black book.
Every woman, every number.
I've gone through about
three of these just this year.
You don't have a phone
to keep your contacts in?
A phone?
How do you mean?
(sighs)
Let's start with discussing
the origin of differences
between men and women--
You're right across the hall
from Carly Ward,
Deb's daughter.
Ain't she a fox?
Many social influences
play a role
in determining
these differences.
If you ever hear the kids
talking about someone
named Miss First,
you'd best tell me about it.
Is that, like,
another teacher?
No one knows who it is.
They say Miss First
turns boys into men.
For their sake,
God, I hope it's her.
Um, this is
the longest tour ever.
And this is the grand finale.
Dang.
Mm.
(bell ringing)
Thank you!
Good morning, sir,
I'm Keely.
And I'm Amber.
Good morning!
Hi, ladies!
We brought you
a little something.
We just wanted to say,
Welcome to Milford High.
Aw, thank you.
Chocolates!
O love chocolates!
Have some.
Sure.
Amber's mom makes it fresh.
Oh, please.
Tell your mom I said thank you.
Oh, I will.
Now you ladies get to your
seat before I eat the whole box.
(chuckles)
-Enjoy.
-Thank you.
Ladies!
Today is not the day
to show off your ignorance.
Get it together!
Hi!
I'm Mr. Martinez,
and I just want to let you know
how excited I am to be here.
(laughing)
Okay!
Don't worry.
I used to think the same things
were just as funny
when I was your age.
(laughing)
Okay, okay! Let's
just get it all out of...
(coughing)
...our systems now.
(laughing)
Three... two... one.
(clearing throat)
You know...
(belches)
Pardon me.
(laughing)
Lift off!
(Richard) You know what, kids?
I'm not-- I'm not feeling
so good all of a sudden.
If you can just give
me a minute, I'll be--
I'll be right back.
Keely, can I put you
in charge for two minutes,
just two minutes top--
(laughing)
Okay, guys, quick.
Grab the chemistry set.
Best behaviour, baby.
She's here now.
So nice to see you,
Superintendent.
So nice to see you again too.
(rumbling)
(explosion)
What the devil?
You, uh, wanted to see me?
Where to start?
Where to start?
(beep)
Uh, you could start
with why Richard
left his class alone.
-Hmm?
-Is she listening in?
Yes.
Richard, there's been a lot
of people come in here
and try out this job.
And none of them
have been as bad as you.
I know these kids are a handful.
There's only one thing keeping
me from sending you back
to the middle of nowhere,
where you come from.
Middle of nowhere?
I...
I taught in New York City.
You taught kindy-garten.
Mr. Martinez,
you come highly recommended
from the Ambassador Program,
so I need you
to help me, help you.
I-I can help these kids
if you give me a chance.
Will I be seeing you
at the football game tonight?
There's your chance to mingle
with the rest of the staff.
(sighing)
I'll be there with
enought school spirit
to fuel a jetliner, sir.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
(cheering)
Come on, Mavericks!
Rip 'em up!
Rip 'em up!
You almost
fumbled it, you pussy!
What's your name?
(mumbling)
Shut up!
I don't care about your name!
Get up!
Get up!
You get on out!
God, you're terrible!
This is intense!
There's something
queer about him.
I can't put my finger on it.
Didn't you say he's
from New York, Mama?
He complimented my purse.
So what are you saying?
He's, like, some kind of queer?
Well, there's only
one way to find out.
You should
go talk to him, honey.
You think?
Yeah.
Show him Minnie and Mickey.
(chuckles)
No man can resist.
Bitch!
Well, aren't you just
hotter than bark on a tree!
Well, hello.
(chuckles)
I'm Carly.
I was upset I didn't get to meet
the cute new member
of our staff today.
Oh, well, that's very nice.
Nice to meet you.
So how do you like Texas so far?
Well, um, everybody
seems to be very welcoming,
to say the least.
(chuckles nervously)
(chuckles)
We're gonna have to spend
more time together.
We're going to be real,
great friends. I can tell.
So!
Do you, uh, like
teaching social studies?
Oh, yeah!
Mama thinks I have
a chance at this year's
Teacher of the Year award.
That's out of the whole state.
And this year,
the winner gets 25 grand.
(chuckling)
Well, good luck for you.
So now that we've been
formally introduced,
I'd like to introduce you
to a couple of friends of mine.
Oh, sure.
Mickey and Minnie.
Oh!
Ooh!
(chuckling nervously)
(cow bell ringing)
(Announcer) Defense!
15 yards on that first down!
I knew it.
Richard, I'm going to make this
quick and painless as possible.
Of course.
What's up?
We're going to
have to let you go.
Excuse me?
He said you're shit-canned.
What-- what is he doing here?
The principal likes
extra security
in situations such as these.
We fell... I feel that your
situation will be a distraction.
Wh--what situation?
Found this on the Internet.
(beep)
Single gay male seeks partner
who enjoys laughter, music
long-term relationship.
(laughs)
Where did you find that?
I haven't logged
into that for years!
He ain't even going to deny it.
I thought we had a deal.
You need me to step in, sir?
This school has strong values.
Turn-offs include
self-centredness
and bad hygiene.
Oh!
We need to keep
the children safe from those
that participate
in alternative relationships.
You know,
man on man, man on dog.
You understand.
Are you serious?
One more word from you,
and, uh,
I might have to call the law.
See you never, flamesauce!
(laughing)
Richard, Richard, Richard,
there's very little I can do
for a teacher who gets
fired so quick into the job.
I mean, come on!
I'll go to Oklahoma!
Kentucky!
I'll go anywhere.
Richard, darling,
whe have a waiting list
of over a hundred people,
and right now,
you're at the bottom
of the pile.
You can't tell me
what they did was legal.
You can't just fire somebody.
It's perfectly legal in many
states, Texas being one of them.
Look, I have to go, but
if you need any other help,
just write a letter
to congress, okay?
God.
Siri, I need a drink.
Hmm?
(Richard) Hey, hey.
There he is.
How you doin', Boo?
Hey, I wish
you guys were here.
That's nasty.
Ask him if he
downloaded Grinder yet.
No, I haven't downloaded
Grinder yet, you whore.
We just want to know how many
gay cowboys there are
in the Bible Belt.
(chuckles)
Wait, hold on.
I'm going to put you on speaker.
So, you guys are going
to go to White party?
I think it's racist.
He ain't ever invited me
to go to no black party.
She wouldn't think it was racist
if she looked half-decent
in anything here.
-I told you I have body issues.
-Do cardio.
Okay. All right,
according to Grinder,
the closest gay guy is...
drum roll, please!
30 miles away.
30 miles!
Oh, no, bitch.
We've got to get
you up out of there.
This is an emergency.
We're coming to get you, baby.
Where is she?
Huh?
I'm going to grab a drink.
Love you guys.
Mean it.
Oh, bitch.
hurry up and get changed.
We are GPS.
Try red.
Do you have anything on sale?
(horks)
Oh, hello.
Uh, can I have a, uh,
vodka soda, please?
What?
Really?
Dry county.
Wait! There's, like, no booze
in the whole county?
No-no wonder there's
no gay people here.
Just get him
a club soda, will you?
Texan always come prepared.
-I'm Richard.
-Karma.
Karma Johnstone.
You parents
must be a good time.
Why is that?
Well, most parents don't
name their children
after Buddhist principles.
Would you prefer
I had a normal name?
Something plain, like Mary?
Mary's not plain.
Mary's angelic.
I know plenty of Marys.
None are angelic.
Mary was mother of Jesus.
If someone were to ask me
to bear the child of God,
I'd have to say no.
You'd abort the baby Jesus?
Abortion is murder!
Pay him no mind.
Listen, I host a radio show,
and I'm doing a promotion
tonight at the Tin Room.
It's about a 30-mile drive
right on the county border.
Do they serve real drinks?
Does a bear shit in the woods?
(donkey brays)
(speaks indistinctly)
If I gave you a dollar,
would you go away?
Come on, let's go
and have a lap dance.
-Just go.
-That's enought, Snake.
Thank God you're here.
Great show tonight, gorgeous.
Thank you, Jocelyn.
I'll have my usual,
and can we get two shots?
Uh, no. No, no.
I can't drink.
Bad things happen when I drink.
Make it four.
Four shots.
You're going to kill me.
(Announcer)
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
Ambrosia Salad!
(cheering)
Guess what,
ladies and gentlemen?
Ambrosia-palooza
is back in business!
You're gonna need this.
(gagging)
And tonight,
prizes will be awarded
for the best impersonation
of the wonderful,
for the ever-so
drop-dead gourgeous...
me!
Miss Ambrosia Salad!
(cheering)
(makes clicking sound)
Well, apparently
it's perfectly legal
to do what they did here in
Texas and in 28 other states.
I Googled it.
My brother went to school there,
and he was terrorized.
I'm thinking I might
want to do, like,
a protest or something.
You know, peaceful, obviously,
because enough people
don't know about this.
We're outnumbered, baby.
That's why we had
to drive so far to get here.
Well, I won't stand for it!
Ooh, that works fast.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, where's the bathroom?
(Ambrosia)
We got any more volunteers
for the contest tonight?
No. No, no.
No. No, no.
Not me.
Gorgeous, um,
what's your name, sir?
His name is Richard!
No, I don't have a game.
That is not my name.
-Yes.
-No. No. No!
I don't do this!
No, no, no.
Looks like we found our final
contestant in tonight's contest!
Come on, Karma.
You are a bitch.
(both make clicking sound)
Ohh... shit.
(Reporter) This just in...
The storm, which is about
1,300 miles from land,
has reached speeds
in excess of 75 miles per hour.
In fact, the NHC has
categorized Bianca
as a category 1 hurricane.
Hurricane Bianca is going
to cause more problems
than anticipated.
Now we've got the lastest
from Del Rio, Mexico,
where residents are
preparing for the worst.
(humming)
Good morning.
(Karma) Buenos dias, senorita.
And what is your name,
my young lady friend?
(laughs)
Hung Over.
Nice to meet you.
Hydrate.
Thank you.
(belches)
Ooh.
Not a very polite lady.
Well, that's because I'm a man.
I think gender is really
just a social construct,
you know what I mean?
It is far too early to be
talking about things like this.
You know, when I told you
about my little brother
that was terrorized
in Milford High School--
Yes.
...I was talking about myself.
What?
Growing up, I thought
I was just a little gay boy.
Then I realized there was
a bit more to me than that.
I would have
never have clocked you.
I don't tell a lot of people,
FYI.
But I figured after last night,
I could trust you.
Sure.
Oh, about last night.
I'm almost afraid to ask.
First, you introduced
yourself as Wilma,
Wilma Shitstink.
Then you wouldn't give
the microphone back.
Well, if you were really funny,
you wouldn't need me
up here, would you?
(laughing)
You know what's funny?
Is that your name
is Ambrosia Salad,
and it looks like you eat
everything but a salad.
Fact!
(makes clicking sound)
Do I owe anybody an apology?
Are you kidding me, Wilma?
Everyone loved you.
You won the constest.
Well...
We're going to have
to let you go.
See you never, flamesauce!
Mama thinks I have
a chance at this year's
Teacher of the Year award.
The winner gets 25 grand.
Hmm.
(car engine revving)
(Radio Announcer)
This just in...
In the next 48 hours, Hurricane
Bianca is expected to strengthen
and is forecast to become
a category 4 or above.
(bell rings)
Hi.
I'm here to interview for
the science teacher position.
What's your name?
Uh, Bianca, Bianca Del Rio.
Does the principal
know you're coming?
Of course, Debbie.
It's Deb or Deborah.
Never Debbie.
Wow, what a gorgeous photo.
Is that you, Deb... bie?
Teacher of the Year ceremony,
Such a proud moment
for our school.
First and last time
Milford's ever won.
Humm.
(telephone rings)
-Hmm?
-What's next, Deborah?
Oh, some wannabe teacher,
and a little retard who says
he got beat up so he could
get out of gym class.
Forgive me, Deb, but is
this school part of the NEA?
The who?
The National Education Association
that's trying to remove the
R word from American schools.
(chuckling)
Well...
Especially when used as slang
in a negative
or derogatory context.
Look, this particular student
has been a problem at the school
for quite some time.
-So just--
-Don't worry.
They're only trying to
remove the word, not the people.
(whispering)
You'll be safe.
(whispering)
That's not funny.
It's not a joke.
Just a statement.
Just a statement.
So, you're a cougar.
Uh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
Houston University Cougars.
Oh!
Yes, Yes. Cougars.
Go, Cougars!
I grew up in Houston.
Football scholarship.
Impressive.
(beep)
Sir, there's a real long
list of students
that need to see you right now.
(Richard) Can we talk about
something off the record?
(Principal) Sure.
You're looking at your
next teacher of the year.
(Principal)
What makes you think that?
Hire me, and you'll
get a lot more than
just a brilliant
science teacher.
I've got ideas, Wayne,
lots of ideas than can help
more than just
the science department.
It can help the whole school.
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
I can't pay you
extra for all that.
My only reward will be the
satisfaction that I gave back
to a community that
has treated me so well.
I want to sharpen
your pencil, Wayne.
Oh! Disgusting.
That will work.
Good.
Nope. Nope.
I can't believe
you're doing this.
Do you think
she would wear this?
I mean, I want
to keep her classy.
Richard,
I'm worried about you.
I'm worried about you too,
that you're not using
enough moisturizer.
I'm serious.
I'm serious too.
That's why you're going to
teach me everything you know.
The fate of this school rests
on your dainty little
sholder... pads.
Please tell me those
are sholder pads.
Putting all this
effort into this. Why?
Because you're pissed off!
You need to move on.
I was pissed, but I haven't
given up hope on these kids.
They're not
full-grown bigots yet,
and all it takes is one teacher
to change their lives.
Who's it going to be?
The one with the rodents
on her boobs,
or that stupid Coach Chuck?
Coach Chuck?
Yeah.
You know him?
You could say that.
Wait a minute.
You like him.
Absolutely not.
You think he's dreamy.
Stop!
You like him!
You want to marry him!
Ow!
I have a secret to tell you.
Another one?
(whispering) So you know
that I grew up as a boy,
but what you don't know is--
Why are you whispering?
We've in your house alone.
(whispering)
But what I didn't tell you
is the experience
that I had growing up.
Okay, you need to stop,
bacause this is freaking me out.
Okay.
(whispering) So what
I'm trying to say is--
You're doing it again!
This is difficult for me!
You need to calm down!
(both grunt in frustration)
Coach Chuck is my baby brother.
Is it a requirement
in this town
for everyone to be related?
We were close
when I was younger, but...
I ran away after I came out.
You're the only person
I've ever told any of this.
Let me get this straight.
So Miss Cartoon Boobs is related
to Little Debbie Snack Cakes.
You used to be a man.
I'm dealing with
my own identity issues,
and now you're
trying to convince me
that you're related to Little
Black Book and Titty Cake?
So you won't say anything?
Who could I possibly tell that
would believe this shit, Karma?
Is this the front, or the back?
It's a poncho, bitch.
(Over PA) We'd like to introduce
the newest member
to Milford's teaching staff.
Starting today in the
senior science department,
please welcome Miss Del Rio.
Smear the queer!
Smear the queer!
Yeah!
(shouts indistinctly)
Smear the queer!
Smear the queer!
Smear the queer!
(chanting continues)
(air horn sounds)
Get some of that!
Get--
What the... What...
What on earth?
(air horn continues to blast)
She's not going to last.
She might last longer
than Professor Gaywad.
I give her two days.
I give her two minutes.
Let's start with covalent bonds.
Um, Miss Del Taco?
(laughing)
Call me Miss Bianca.
It's easier
for you to pronounce.
Um, when we have
a substitute teacher,
we always
just get a study period.
Oh, really?
What's yout name, sweetheart?
I'm Keely.
Keely?
Well, I'm going
to call you Bath Mat.
(laughing)
Not because of that
lovely vest you're wearing.
It's because I think
you smell like feet.
(laughing)
Bath Mat, you have
detention after school.
For what?
Did you happen to notice
your classmate getting beat up?
Yeah, but I wasn't doing it.
Not, but you laughed
and didn't help.
It's just as bad.
Detention, two hours.
(laughing)
And you!
Detention all week.
I have football practice!
Not my problem.
I love your outfit.
Where did you get it?
Salvation Army?
(laughing)
No, I got it from
someone named Lady Gaga.
Heard of her?
What?
Like, at a concert?
No. Like, we're friends
from New York.
(gasping)
Yeah, and Britney Spears
is your sister.
No. But Cher is my cousin.
Bullshit.
(laughing)
What's your name?
Oh, wait.
I know what we're
going to call you.
White Trash that Won't Burn.
(laughing)
(gasping)
(groaning)
Miss Dorito?
(laughs)
Hey, James and the
Giant Peach, keep it down.
(laughing)
You can't call me that.
My parents are lawyers.
Your parents are siblings.
Now shut-up!
Look, we all pitched in
and got these for you.
To welcome you to Milford High.
Oh, how nice.
Bath Mat, pass these out.
They're for you.
(chuckles nervously)
Hand them out
to the class, Bath Mat.
I'm feeling very
generous today.
Miss Del Rio,
may I have a word?
Of course!
What a lovely, unexpected
surprise, Deb... bie.
Outside!
(Students) Ooh!
(laughing)
I understand you're
new here, Miss Del Rio,
but it is against school policy
to feed the students.
So that's why you're here.
You smell food.
I wanted to give this to you
before you started your lesson.
Creationism.
Hmm.
Now, is this from
the school board,
or your own personal collection?
Well, we believe
in teaching an alternative.
Miss Ward, these opinions
are far more religious
than scientific.
God created the universe.
That's not an opinion.
That's a fact.
This is a science class,
not a Sunday school.
Let me make something
very clear, Miss Del Rio.
It is in your best interest
to get along with me.
Let me make something
very clear to you, Debbie.
I'm fucking this cat.
You just hold the legs.
Got it?
(clapping)
(laughing)
Silence!
Read chapter eight for tomorrow.
There will be a quiz.
(Karma) Stay calm.
There's eyelash glue in
the emergency kit I made you.
Oh, yes! I found it.
Thank you.
There's also a disposable razor
in case you need a touch up.
Bobody likes a hairy lady.
You are a lifesaver.
Mwah! Thanks.
(Chuck) You okay, pretty girl?
Uh, yeah.
Everything's fine.
You know this is
the men's room, don't you?
God!
Well, I don't...
I don't have my contacts in!
So you're
the new science guru.
Uh, yeah.
Today is my very first day.
I'm, uh, Bianca.
-Coach Chuck.
-Yeah.
And good luck with that group.
Yeah, they really are a...
-a handful.
-Yeah.
Lucky you weren't
here last year.
Two of my kids climbed
to the roof and made bets
on who's going to hit
the ground first of they jump.
Shit.
Well, they're fine now.
-But it was a mess.
-Hmm.
And you know
what the French say.
Mi casa is su casa.
-It means, That's life.
-Yeah.
You are so cultured.
I'm sure I'll be seeing you.
I'm sure.
(sighs)
(cheering)
Let's go, Mavericks!
Whoo!
That smells real good.
Oh, it's honey gloss.
It smells delicious.
It tastes good, too.
(cheering with excitement)
(Announcer) Touchdown!
- Our team! Our team!
- That's the wrong team, stupid!
(Cheerleaders) Ready?
Okay!
U-G-L-Y...
You ain't got no alibi!
You ugly!
Yes, yes, you ugly!
Whoo!
(Richard) Oh, my God, ladies.
That wouldn't ignite a fart.
You think you can do better?
Well, they can't get any worse.
Will you shut up already?
Will you?
-Come on, Mavericks.
-Whoo! Whoo!
Okay, ladies, you want
to make this happen?
Let me show you something
that Miles Cyrus
taught me in Amsterdam.
Whoo!
I know, I know.
Shh! Listen.
So what you're going
to have to do first--
(Announcer) First down
for the visiting Bison,
leaving Milford
trailing by four.
Looks like any hope
the Mavericks had
of breaking their losing streak
will be dashed.
Tits up!
Sparkle, Meely, sparkle.
Y-- Ugh.
Hut! Hut!
Hike!
One, two, three...
...five, six, seven, eight.
We are the Maverick girls!
We wear our hair in curls!
We wear our dungarees
above our dirty knees!
We wear no underwear!
Check out our derriere!
Whoo!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Holy shit!
(blows whistle)
Touchdown!
(cheering, exclaiming)
Good work! Whoo!
Cheer, damn it! Cheer!
(Announcer) This is the first
win of the season
for the Mavericks.
I did not say touch me.
(shouting indistinctly, cheering)
Your hair smells delicious.
(cheering)
Another day with Miss Dorito.
She's almost
as hot as Miss First.
Almost.
Come on,
you've never had Miss First.
Neither have you.
Frick and Frack,
this is not TV.
I can hear you.
So what do you say?
I know a real romantic
spot under the bleachers.
Oh, please.
I already gave to charity.
(scoffing)
Okay, shit stains!
We're going to try
something new today.
Did everybody do the reading?
Hmm?
White Trash?
Muffin Top?
(giggling)
Man Boobs?
(laughing)
What about you, Bath Mat?
Bath Mat?
What?
Did you do the reading?
Yes.
Good.
Then you're going to
enjoy our little game today.
Now, everyone takes out the
volcanoes that I have prepared.
Oh, yeah.
Now please put on your safety
gear and follow my instructions.
I am only going to ask once.
Now remove the liquid bottles,
and can anybody name
the dark bottle?
Nitroglycerin.
Speak up.
Um, nit-- nitroglycerin.
Yes!
Nitroglycerin.
Nitroglycerin is a
colourless liquid that's used
as an active ingredient
to manufacture explosives.
Oh, yeah!
(chuckling)
This is a very,
very interesting chemical.
Now, can anybody tell me
what the second bottle is?
Orange nitrate.
That's correct!
Orange nitrate.
This chemical comes
in a variety of colours.
The interesting thing
about orange nitrate is--
(screaming)
-Ooh!
-Oh!
What the hell?
(laughing)
Your face is orange.
So is yours.
Oh, dear.
You didn't happen to mix the two
chemicals together now, did you?
(laughing)
Was this a trick?
Oh, please. If you'd have done
your homework assignment,
you would know
that orange nitrate
cause skin discoloration.
What?
Who looks like a Dorito now?
(scoffs)
There you are, children.
This is what happens when
you don't do your homework.
It's only going to get worse.
(bell rings)
-Bye, Miss Del Rio.
-Hey!
I notice you avoided
most of the damage today.
Oh, well, yeah. I mean,
I actually read
the chapter last week,
so I knew the surprise,
but that was
still really awesome.
Good job, Bobby.
You know my real name?
Who am I fooling?
Of course I know your real name.
Now, tell me.
What's going on here?
Oh, I mean,
I could say something,
but I've already
complained to Principal Wayne
about a hundred times, so...
What's the deal?
There are these guys that
follow me home from school a lot
and call me names, push me down.
You know, Bobby, sometimes
people are douchebags
just to make
themselves feel better.
It has nothing to do with you.
Now, do you have keys?
Keys?
Like house keys.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Let me show you a little trick
my mom taught me
-when I was younger.
-Okay.
What you do is you make a fist,
and you put the keys
in between your fingers.
-Like Wolverine?
-That's it!
And listen, this is going
to leave a mark
and you don't even
have to hit that hard.
-Revenge at its finest!
-That's it.
(moaning in pain)
Okay, Bobby.
Why don't you just leave
the revenge to us grownups?
-Okay?
-Okay.
(Chuck)
Hey! Miss Del Rio!
Hey, Coach Chuck!
Big win last night.
Congratulations.
I gotta say, I saw how you
helped the girls last night.
The cheers were
really something.
Yeah, it's amazing what the
handicapped can accomplish.
(chuckles)
You're funny.
You should see me naked.
(chuckling)
Really?
You know what, Coach?
There is something
I wanted to ask you.
Some kids in my class were
talking about Miss First.
-Who is she?
-No idea.
Come on, Coach.
You gotta know.
If I knew, I would tell you.
Can I ask you something?
I suppose.
Can I take you out sometime?
No.
I'm not like most other guys.
I'm not like most other women.
So say yes.
All right, Coach Chuck.
You want to take
me out on a date,
you better bring your A-game.
I'll be ready after 6:00.
I love it when
they play hard to get.
Girl!
Let's just say things are not
turning out as I had planned.
Are you okay?
Yeah, you can tell us anything.
We won't judge.
All right.
Well, for starters, I got fired
as soon as I got here,
and then I had to start
dressing as a woman
so I could get my job back.
Then I started
lying to the children,
telling them that
I knew famous people
so that they would like me.
I mean, who lies to children?
Well...
And to top it off, right now
I'm at a rollerskate rink
with the football coach,
on a date,
and he thinks my name is Bianca.
Hello?
Word, bitch! Yeah!
-Yeah! Suck his dick.
-Uh-uh.
He's actually taking a leak,
and I'm trying
to grab us some beers.
Oh!
Don't drink too much.
Yeah. Bad things happen
when you drink too much.
Oh, really?
Coming from you?
Don't try it.
You remember that thing
with the candlestick?
(cackles)
(laughs)
I'll call you back later.
I've got things to do. Bye.
-Okay, bye.
-Bye.
-Don't hit my phone, ho.
-Shh...
-You don't pay my bill.
-...up.
-You got a four.
-Change the channel.
Ow!
(giggling)
So I was going
to take you to a stuffy,
fancy old restaurant,
but I figured this would
be a way more fun way
to get to know each other.
Well, I love this place.
It's really adorable.
It's more than adorable.
It's really romantic.
Uh, yeah.
And it also gives us
a lot of time to talk about
that Miss First character.
Are you still on that,
Nancy Drew?
Actually, I look
more like Nancy Grace.
But spill it! Spill it.
Tell me.
She's what you call a myth,
which means she ain't real.
Uh, yeah, I know
what a myth is, Chuck.
Well, they say that Miss First
turns the boy into men,
if you know what I mean.
Oh, it's got
to be that Carly chick.
She seems really trampy.
What makes you think I know.
Well, I would assume
you have her number
in your little black book.
How do you know about that?
I mean, come one,
Fread Flintstone.
Who the hell carries around
a book with phone numbers
in it anymore?
I only show that to folks
I'm trying to impress.
Well, you're really
impressing me, Chuck.
So tell me,
do you have a big family?
You are really, really pretty.
You are really, really drunk.
So do you have any
brothers and sisters?
I mean, it seems to be the
theme down here in the south.
I want to kiss you
so bad right now.
Listen, I'm trying to
get to know you, you idiot.
You know,
you are as mean as a snake,
and I love that about you.
Look, I'm already
falling for you.
Get up, you big oaf!
Oh!
Mm.
Oh, mother of Christ.
We're late.
What time is it?
(Chuck) What's the matter?
Uh, nothing.
I just have the worst
morning breath ever.
(Chuck) Did anything
happen between us?
I mean, sex-wise?
Oh, God. I hope not.
(Chuck) Why would you say that?
Because sex can ruin
a beautiful friendship.
Not if you're real,
real good at it.
Can you, like,
put all of that away, please?
You can hitch a ride with me.
You going to take
a quick shower?
Uh, sometimes a lady needs
more than a quick shower.
I hear you.
All right.
(toilet flushes)
She's as crooked as a dog's
hind legs, and you know it.
And Principal Wayne knows it.
I sure as hell do.
She's worn out her welcome,
as far as I'm concerned.
As long as I get a Teacher of
the Year nomination, I'm happy.
I'll make sure of that.
Don't you worry.
We'll get rid of that skunk
faster than shit
through a goose.
(smacks her lips)
Mama, you don't think they're
too big, though, do you?
Oh, you look beautiful.
Come on.
I knew it!
I can explain.
Shaving is a really,
really good exfoliator.
You think I'm dumber than
a box of hammers, don't you?
Yes, it's me. Richard.
Yes, Richard from New York.
Richard that everybody hates.
Richard that got fired.
You don't have to kneel.
I can see you fine
from where you were.
I-I wanted to kneel.
That's really condescending.
My feet hurt!
That's why.
My feet hurt!
It's not all about you.
Fine.
I know this is going
to sound crazy,
but after they got rid of me,
who are they going
to get to teach these kids?
Carly?
Everyone thinks she's sweet,
but she's just as much
of a jerk as her mom.
You notice that too, huh?
I notice everything.
Do me a favour.
Keep your eye on her,
and let me know if she's got
any funny business going on.
-You can count on me, sir.
-Oh, cute. Real cute.
Why don't you go mop the
yellow brick road or something?
To celebrate today
being a half day of school,
we're going
to play a little game.
(cherring)
And here we go.
Who can name the substance
that cells use
as an immediate
source of energy?
Keely?
I wasn't raising my hand.
Did you do the homework?
Yeah.
I just don't know the answer.
Come on up here, Keely.
Come up.
(Students) Ooh!
-Right here.
Why didn't you complete
the assignment, Bath Mat?
Um...
Now, come here.
Stand closer.
Closer so I look prettier.
(laughing)
Now, what did
you do last night?
She went to a college party!
Oh, really?
How was that?
Uh, the pool was filthy,
and the music was torrible.
And that's worse than
terrible and horrible combined.
-Sounds horrible.
-Uh, torrible.
I think the real question is,
what did you do last night,
Miss Del Rio?
Coach Chuck said,
you were grade A.
(chuckling)
Get up here!
(Students) Ooh!
Now, look at me.
Come here.
Now, look at me.
Both eyes.
Bring that lazy one around.
There we go. There we go.
(laughing)
Tell me, big man.
What happened to your face?
Oh, uh...
My girlfriend got
a little wild last night.
(Student) Yeah!
(Richard) Yeah, whatever.
Okay, listen. The question is,
what is the cause
of most infectious diseases?
Oh, I know this one.
Raise your hand.
Keely?
Microorganisms?
Mm, pollutants.
And Keely is correct!
(applause)
Now for a closer look
into more microorganisms,
you could read page 43,
or just look into Tommy's pants.
(laughing)
It's a joke.
Good for you, Keely.
(clapping)
(Chuck) You need a ride home?
Uh, no.
I'm-- I'm okay.
I have a friend
picking me up, thanks.
I had a real,
good time last night.
Yeah.
Uh, me-- me too.
(car horn beeping)
Oh, you know what?
Th-that's her.
Gotta go! Bye!
(signing)
What the fucking fuck?
It's not what it looks like.
Are you sleeping
with my brother.
No!
Gross! Oh, no!
I'm just messing with his head.
Can I trust you
to stay away from my brother?
Maybe you should talk to him.
He might be a really cool guy,
for all you know.
You have no idea.
Just don't worry about it.
He teaches
right across the hall.
If you ever!
Okay, fine.
I will not talk about him.
I will not talk about you,
or that hat!
Oh!
Drive!
(engine starting)
Slut!
(slurping)
So, um, are you
from around this area?
Yeah.
A few miles outside of Milford.
I really like it here.
It's rather charming.
I'm trying to convince
my brother
to come down and visit sometime.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah, but, um...
(whispering)
He's gay.
Oh.
Well, you know,
it's getting better down here.
It used to be real bad
for gay dudes.
Mm.
Do, uh, you have any siblings?
Can I tell you a secret?
Sure.
I had a gay brother too,
growing up.
He used to get beat up a lot.
Must have been a real
chick magnet for you.
I never thought about that.
It's not like I went to gay bars
with him or nothing.
I would have.
I just get annoyed
getting hit on by dudes.
But I guess it comes
with the territory
having an ass this good.
(chuckles)
So, um, what happened
to your brother?
He ran away.
I haven't seen him since
right before his 19th birthday,
bit I swear,
I'd give my right nut
to know that
little shit is okay.
He brought it up!
I promise!
Get out!
What?
I specifically asked you not
to stir anything up with him.
But this is good news!
At least it's a start.
I really think
you shold talk to him.
I really think you should
mind your own business!
Let me get this straight.
You have a radio show
where you give people advice
about relationship problems,
and the way that you
deal with your own
is by running away from them?
You don't know
these people, Richard.
Do you think
my parents were happy
when they found out I was gay?
No!
But eventually,
thet came around.
My situation
is a little bit different!
All I'm saying is that you can't
judge people for mistreating you
about something that
they know nothing about.
All I'm saying is you
don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here!
(sighs)
(gasps)
(cackling)
Grand Inn.
Can you hold, please?
Okay.
Two twin beds
or a single queen?
A single queen.
(sobbing)
Single queen.
Oh, dear.
(Karma on radio)
Take my advice.
Whatever it is
you're going through,
surround yourself with
as many friends as possible.
This is the time
to patch up old relationships.
That's it for the
Karma Sutra show.
Good night.
(Voice outside) Listen,
this was your stupid ass idea.
Girl, can you get off Grinder
for a second
and do something useful?
Useful?
I wanted to text Richard,
and tell him we were
coming the fuck down here,
but you said, No,
let's make it a surprise!
Oh, my God!
What are you guys doing here?
You better tie your shoes
bacause you're tripping, bitch!
Hey!
Richard!
Oh, we decided to stop on
our way down to White Party.
Yeah, this is a
really shitty place.
I'll explain.
So we asked for
a room with one bed.
Because it was cheaper
and not because-- gross.
You should be so lucky. Ha.
Anyway,
but when that cigarette-smoking
lunch lady bitch
behind the counter
realized we were two dudes,
she changed the reservation from
one queen to two double beds,
which was $50 more.
You know I cannot take you
seriously looking like that.
You don't think I'm pretty?
You're the prettiest
girl on the planet...
(Both) ...of the apes!
(laughing)
So what else did we miss?
Well, I just think
everybody was right.
What the hell am I doing here?
You're following your dreams.
That's adorable.
Well, it looks like I'm going
to be following y'all back home.
You say y'all now?
-Stay here. Barf.
-Shut up.
Richard, why would you quit?
Well, to be honest, A, the
kids are already doing better,
B, I'm doing to get fired again,
and, C, I miss brunch.
Come to White Party!
Yeah!
Come to White Party!
No, no, no. I said brunch.
Eggs are white.
Nice, job, Tommy.
Mr. Bobby.
Here you go.
I got a B-plus!
(gasps)
I've never even got a B defore.
Very well-written, Bath Mat.
You actually
have a bright future.
If you work hard!
Oh, my God!
I got a B-minus!
That is so unexpected.
Well, I guess you're no longer
the dumbest class in school.
At least on paper.
(chuckling)
(intercom beeps)
Please excuse the interruption.
Miss Del Rio?
Principal Wayne would
like a see you after class.
(Students) Ooh!
What'd you do?
Come on? Tell us?
Shut up!
(laughing)
Principal Wayne,
your daughter is gorgeous!
That's my wife.
Oh!
It's your wife.
Well, she's, uh, very blonde.
I've asked you to come here
because I'm, uh,
faced with a very
difficult decision.
Join the club.
I notice you've been taking a...
very unusual approach
with your students.
Well, Principal Wayne,
some of the kids are assholes,
and I have to treat
them accordingly.
The language you use could be
argued as inappropriate to some.
Some of them deserve it.
You feel it's working?
In fact, I do.
Then I've made
up my mind, Bianca.
I've made up
my mind as well, sir.
I've decided to nominate you--
You don't have
to fire me. I quit.
...for Teacher of the Year.
-What?
-What?
What?!
Ah!
I don't know what to say!
I...
Not one student has missed a
single class since you started.
That is unprecedented.
(beep)
This is outrageous!
I'm sure it didn't hurt
that you lied to them.
Oh, why don't you go ahead
and tell us all about
your cousin Cher, huh?
Or your best friend, Lady Ga-ga?
How's she doing?
Well, I... I haven't
talked to her in a while.
You really know this Lady Ga-ga?
Yes, sir.
Oh!
You are so full of shit, Bianca.
If that even is your real name!
Do you think it would be too
much to invite this Lady Ga-ga
to the ceremony?
It would be great
publicity for the school.
I will certainly ask her.
(sighs)
Okay.
(phone rings)
Mama?
Hi.
Yeah.
This line always takes forever.
Yeah, I'll meet you in a few.
I'm just getting my hair done.
-I could colour for you.
-Thank you.
-Yeah,
-I could colour for you!
Oh, you always
talk on the phone.
Talk talk on the phone.
Never talk to me.
You only white lady who come
in here and never talk to me.
Don't come back!
Bye!
Hi.
(screams)
(Richard) Shit!
What the fuck?!
(shouting indistinctly)
Part one's done, Sis.
You found her?
Well, of course I found her.
Now make sure
no one else will.
And no scars, right?
(cackles)
Nothing visible.
You got it, darling.
(cackles)
-Hey.
-Oh!
Mama!
Oh!
(laughing, crying)
You look beautiful.
(crying)
Thank you.
Oh, Daddy.
(knocking)
Oh, God.
Chuck doesn't cry.
(laughing, crying)
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Hey, Mom.
(Chuck) Oh, that's a good hug.
A good hug.
(Richard) This has gone too far!
I'm a science teacher,
for Christ's sake.
What is this?
Unsolved Mysteries bullshit?
What can I say?
I can't believe
what just happened.
Thanks for being
such a good friend.
I'm glad you're
in my life, Richard.
You're still not allowed
to sleep with my brother.
Bye, bitch.
You know that
you're going to jail.
This--
(voice muffled)
You know Carly wanted that
teacher award you're after.
Sis always makes sure
Carly gets what she wants.
I'm just supposed
to keep an eye on you
until the ceremony is over.
Now I've got
to leave you out here!
Hey, I know it might
be weird to call,
but something crazy
just happened
I want to tell you about it.
Also, I had a really great
time with you the other night.
I hope we can do it again soon.
See you soon, pretty girl.
(Willie) Sorry, lady.
Blood is thicker than water.
What that means to you
is family always comes first.
(lighter clicks)
What the hell?
(Richard) Fuck off, Fatty!
(grunting)
(Willie) Shit!
Son of a Bitch!
You fucking bitch!
When I find you, I'm going
to cut you open like a cow!
(snake hissing)
(Richard) Housekeeping!
Morning, angels.
I knew you were
going to be hungover.
-Where have you been, girl?
-Ooh, coffe.
Listen, I can explain.
But first, I need
you to meet my friend.
This is Karma, and Janice,
Janice, Karma,
Stephen, Bailey.
(All) Hi.
Okay, I need your help.
Uh-uh.
See, we called you,
like, 50 times yesterday.
Someone from the school
tried to have him kidnapped!
I heard everything!
Hold up. They're kidnapping
bitches over here?
Oh, hell to the no.
See, you need
to call the police.
You cannot call the police here
because everybody is related.
It's not a real town.
It's like a big family reunion.
What?
-Explain.
-Okay.
It's like sometimes
when you walk in the club,
and then you look around,
and you're like,
Well, damn,
I done slept with
everybody up in here.
-Oh, okay.
-Proceed.
Well, look.
I have a plan.
Ooh, look at you, sounding like
Miss Tranny MacGyver Fish. Yes!
Well, I've had time
to think about it
because I've been
walking for 13 miles.
What?
Explain.
Um, it's like walking
from Soho to Harlem.
Don't they have uber here?
(groaning)
(Richard) Hurricanes form
in tropical regions
because they need warm water
of at least
80 degrees Fahrenheit.
The most characteristic feature
of hurricanes is their eye,
a region of dry air about which
the strongest winds circulate.
(thunder crashing)
(chanting)
Gaga! Gaga! Gaga!
(chanting continues)
This is the Karma Sutra show,
live from the Texas Theatre,
where there are rumors
that there will be an
appearance by Lady Gaga
at tonight's
Teacher of the Year Ceremony.
Who the hell are you?
I'm part of G's security team,
and I need to go
through this building
and make sure
it's secure before the event.
Whose security team?
G's security team.
Yeah. Who's G?
G. Lady Gaga. G.
This has been cleared for weeks.
Oh, well, this is news to me.
Well, you listen
to me, Polka Dot.
Now, Lady Gaga herself is on
her way here from the airport,
and if I'm not able
to go through this building
and make sure it's secure
from crackheads
and cracks in the ceiling,
then I will makes a call.
She will turn around, and
trust me, you don't want that.
Gaga! Gaga!
(chanting continues)
All right. Go ahead.
Thank you.
Nice dress.
Hey!
Knock it off out there!
Gaga! Gaga!
(panting)
Ooh, I've got
to start going to the gym.
Oh!
Oh!
Ah!
Son of a bitch! Ah!
Be careful!
Girl, I'm sorry.
I was going to cut you
a breathing hole, I promise.
All right, come on,
Reese Littlespoon.
(snaps fingers)
Hi.
Oh, hello.
Uh, okay, Wayne, here you go.
And here is one
for your daughter.
That's my wife.
(giggles)
Oh, you.
Oh!
(cheering)
She's coming!
Ah! It's really her!
My feet are killing me.
Keep your mouth shut, Gaga.
The queen of pop music
has arrived.
Hello, and welcome, everyone,
to the annual District 214
Teacher of the Year ceremony.
(applause)
(thunder crashing)
I am so lucky to be here
to introduce some of our
very talented staff tonight.
And pinch me now!
We have a very special guest.
I still can't believe it.
Lady Gaga took time out
of her very busy schedule
to join us this evening.
(applause/cheering)
Are you having
a good time, Gaga?
Mm-hmm.
Can you tell that to your face?
Unfortunately, one of our
teachers, Miss Del Rio,
had some problems
and was forced to resign.
(moaning, muttering)
When did this happen?
It's all under control, Wayne.
-Shay-shay.
-Very shady.
(Superintendent)
But not to worry.
Milford High will
still be represented.
They decided to send
Carly Ward as an alternate.
(applause)
(Richard) Scientists
have warned residents
to be beware of storms
with female names,
as they are perceived
to be less threatening,
but are significantly
more likely to kill you.
Now let's take a moment to get
to know some of our nominees.
(applause)
Our first nominee is
Mr. Homer Flint
from Nacogdoches.
(applause)
Homer is favourite
at this hight school
because of some of his strong
and visionary leadership,
a clear vision of his goals,
and his impeccable style.
(laughing)
Our next nominee
is from Meadowlakes...
Sue Ellen Spencer.
She is known for her fun, laid
back creative writing classes...
-Huh?
-Sex scandal! Oh!
What is going down
in the school yard?
Them desks is dirty.
(gasping, murmuring)
Huh?
Oh!
This thing is broken.
Shut it down!
(whistles)
Shut it down!
What the hell?
(gasping, murmuring)
(Deb) Hey!
This-- this isn't--
Shut this down!
Oh, my God!
Not in my school!
That's not me!
That's not me!
It's just...
It's... It's any short person.
What the hell?
Things have taken
a strange turn here.
Miss First, the mysterious, and
up until now, anonymous woman
that has been seducing
young boys has been revealed
as Deborah Ward!
Oh, quiet down, everybody!
Oh, God!
Look, this is not true!
This is a conspiracy!
(murmuring, shouting)
(grunting)
Will somebody fix
the dang projector already?!
Oh!
Oh!
(gasping)
What...
It's biting me!
Ah!
(deflating sound)
(laughing)
Oh!
(laughs)
Girl!
(gasping)
(deflating sound)
(laughing)
Did she just get botched?
She's going to need a Band-Aid!
No!
No!
(Deb) Where are you?
Pick up!
Pick up, Willie!
Willie, pick up!
(muffled yelling)
Let me out of here!
Somebody let me out of here!
(Deb) Willie!
Willie, get back
to me right now!
Oh!
(moaning)
Ooh.
(toilet flushing)
Oh, Debbie!
Don't you look fancy tonight?
You!
Sorry I'm a little late.
I was tied up!
Give me these!
Get out of my way.
Has anybody
ever told you, Debbie,
that you have
beautifully shapped lips?
Yes.
(chuckling)
And you know
you need to be really careful
with that face of yours.
You might attract
a swarm of men.
(laughing)
(screaming)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
It's just like My Girl!
Oh! Oh!
(screaming)
Without further ado, I'd like
to announce the winner,
before anything else
falls on us.
The winner of this year's
Teacher of the Year award is...
Well, this is awkward.
Carly Ward?
(gasping, murmuring)
Rigged!
Wh-- Oh...
Superintendent Howard!
The information
that disqualified
our original nominee
was given to you
on false pretenses.
What makes you
say that, Wayne?
Because Deborah Ward and her
daughter are filthy liars!
-We want Bianca!
-Yeah, we want Bianca!
Bianca!
Bianca!
Bianca!
(chanting continues)
Bianca!
(Chuck) Bianca.
Where you been?
I think Lady Gaga
was hitting on me.
Oh, yeah?
But don't worry.
I told her I was already taken.
(chanting Bianca continues)
(clapping and cheering)
Bianca!
Do you think we need a recount?
(clapping and cheering)
Well all right then.
Thank you, District 214.
When I started, I didn't know
if I was going to fit in,
but one thing that
was consistent
was this remarkable staff
who didn't skip a beat
in allowing me into
their community.
When I arrived, every single
student I had was failing.
Each one has shown
improvement of at least 40%.
All of this,
coming from someone
you said,
was as embarrassment
to your community.
(gasping)
What?
Holy fucking shit.
(Both) I knew it.
She's a dude?
A man.
A man?
I got punked.
That was really fucking good.
(laughing)
This is Bianca.
(confetti popping)
(gasping and laughing)
It's messed up my hair.
Oh, it's pretty.
Yes!
Word!
All of you have some very
serious explaining to do.
I can barely move my mouth.
Beestung lips
are really in right now.
(crying) Do you know
how expensive these were?
Oh, baby.
I must say,
I have seen better behavior
from some of your
worst students!
Richard, do me a favor?
Take a look at the front page.
(crying)
Why? Why?
'Why is my school racist against
gay people?' By Keely Carson.
Oh, Wayne, come on.
You cannot give in
to these kinds
of special interest groups.
Chuck.
On it.
Sorry, ma'am, the Principal
asked me to be here
for extra security.
What? Hey, let go of me,
you overgrown maggot! Hey--
Don't think I want be
calling the law, Miss Ward.
Oh, are you kidding me?
Is this a joke?
Come on! That kid's been
held back, like, six times.
He said he was legal!
He did!
Did you see that guy?
Now, as for you, young lady.
(Deb continues to rant)
I have no proof that you
were involved in any of this.
Looks like you've
suffered enough already.
(Deb) You know who
you're messing with?
And to think I was going
to let you touch these!
(crying)
Just one more thing, Richard.
Yes, sir.
Please stay out
of the ladies' room.
(laughing)
I'll try.
(call, speak indistinctly)
(Keely's voice) I used to be
one of those people
that didn't really
care about gay people,
but then we had this teacher,
and everyone was
torrible to him, including me.
But I didn't think he would
get fired or anything.
(Richard) All right, guys!
Who's ready to graduate?
(Keely) Furthermore so,
I think the school should have,
like, some protection
program, or something,
to protect gay people.
Because my friend Bobby
is a total homo,
but he won't come out because
he'll probably get beat up.
Well, at least more so
than he already does.
Anyway, thank you
for reading my article.
Keely Carson.
(laughing)
All right!
Please help me
welcome back to the stage
someone very important...
Put your hands together
and make some noise for the one,
the only, Bianca Del Rio!
(cheering)
-Thank you, Ambrosia! Mwah.
-Mwah.
(cheering)
Yeah, Miss Del Rio!
Oh, my God.
What are you guys doing gere?
Do your parents
know you're here?
Security!
(laughing)
Okay, listen, we have
to get this show started,
and I can only start the show
with a drunk, straight girl.
Do we have any drunk,
straight girls in the audience?
Thumbelina, come on up!
I know you!
This is my good
girlfriend, Janice.
All right.
Who is ready to see Janice
to an interpretive dance?
(cheering/applause)
All right.
You ready, bitch?
Let's do it.
Hit it, DJ!
(Karma) Janice took over
as the dance captain
of the Lady Maverick
cheerleading squad,
which became her cover
when she was recruited
for Secret Ops at the CIA.
Anyway, you know,
I have to say...
(laughing)
...oh, you two.
On your fucking phones. Rude.
...as Stephen and Bailey
continued to look
for dates on Grinder,
they realized
they'd accidentally
been talking to each other.
Bailey still lives
on Stephen's futon,
but sometimes gets an upgrade.
So...
Oh, thank you!
What are you doing here?
I came to see my girlfriend.
Houston, we got lots
of problems, mainly you.
I won the Texas Excellence
in Radio award
for my coverage of the
Teacher of the Year ceremony.
Chuck an I
are closer than ever.
He's still trying to add
Bianca to his little black book.
Richard used his winnings
to find a nicer apartment,
and started a theater
program at the school.
I finally got to meet his
cousin, who's not really Cher.
(Richard) Well, she is every
Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.
(Karma) In the end,
Hurricane Bianca was
just the right kind of storm
that this little town needed.
(laughing)
StenjrBR
(various voices)
Once upon a time,
it seemed like
a hundred years ago...
Girl, it was not that long.
(clears throat)
In a land far, far away...
Let's not get carried away.
A new teacher was starting
her first day of classes.
She was mean and hateful.
She had her reasons.
Will you stop interrupting?
I will if you start
at the beginning.
Fine!
There lived a kind
and decent man named Richard.
This is an example of when
many large thunderstorms
come together
and spin like a funnel--
...who was perhaps the most
awkward teacher in Manhattan.
When is our regular
teacher coming back?
If you have a question,
raise your hand.
Now...
Yes?
When is our regular
teacher coming back?
Your regular teacher
is coming back on Monday.
We have two more topics left
on our Time Warp
Throught Science Tour.
Pay attention.
Who am I dressed up as?
My grandpa?
Okay, you know what, kids?
This is-- I'm just going to move
things along a little faster.
Our next stop throught our Time
Warp throught Science Tour is--
Get ready!
Are you ready?
Our next science genius is...
(laughing)
A scary old lady?
No!
Marie Curie!
This is boring!
Can we talk about
sex ed or something?
(bell ringing)
I leave you with this.
My favourite Marie Curie quote--
The way of progress
was neither swift nor easy.
Remember that,
my little scientists.
See you soon!
If they'll have me back.
(thunder rumbling)
(thunder crashing)
Hurricane Bianca
Dear Mr. Martinez.
Blah, blah, blah.
Sorry to inform you that you
are not chosen for this year's
teaching ambassador program.
Blah, blah, blah.
Please try again next year.
So I'm-- I'm talking
to my landlord, okay?
And she's like,
Sorry for the construction,
If you'd like to leave early...
I'm like, the nerve, right?
Like, I'm going to leave early?
I'm going to leave when my lease
is up, you sundried Barbie!
(chuckles)
-Excuse us!
-Coming throught!
We're late, bitch.
Well, I'm on time.
Ooh!
My feet hurt.
You wear cheap shoes.
I beg yout pardon.
I have large toes.
Move!
Hey!
(murmurs indistinctly)
Chakha Convict!
IDs!
Oh, girl, come on.
Th-that's a...
that's a chemistry joke
because I'm
a chemistry, uh, teacher.
(coughing)
I would wait here if I were you.
They're about to tell him
it's his last night.
He totally bombed again.
Hi, guys!
Hi!
Hi, Richard!
You were...
incredible.
Thanks.
See ya!
Don't try it.
Cute bird's nest.
I'm sorry we were late.
We heard your show was okay.
Worse than leprosy.
-I love leopards.
-Shut up Girl!
Did you do that
mime bit we practiced?
No, I wasn't
feeling that bit tonight.
Do you know what's worse?
I even found out today
that I didn't get that
teaching position that
I was telling you two about.
-What?
-Aw, Dick.
But we didn't want
you to leave no-how.
Well, listen, I pay $3,468.52
without utilities each month
for that mouse-ridden
shithole of an apartment
they're going
to kick me out of.
Mm.
Well, listen, sister.
Now, you know this
old nasty freeloading bitch
is still on my nice couch.
-It's a futon.
-It's a professional sectional.
(belches)
Anyhow, we can gas up
the air mattress, baby,
and put it right
in the living room.
Three's company!
As much as I appreciate you two,
I think I'm just a little
too old for that, you know?
And besides,
I've been here 11 years
and I've got nothing
to show for it.
I just think inside,
personally, I'm done.
I'm just done.
Yeah, maybe.
Oh, you know, we're going
to need some drinks, okay?
Excuse me?
Do you have the drink tickets?
Yeah.
The bird's nest bitch at the
door said we're on her list.
(banging)
(coughing)
Hello?
Is this Richard Martinez?
Uh, yes. Hi.
Who's this?
Lawrence Tailor from the
Teaching Ambassador program.
Oh, hi!
How are you?
Very well.
I have some fabulous news.
O-oh?
A last-minute slot has
opened up in our program,
but I just wanted to check
if you were still interested.
Uh, uh, yeah! Yeah.
I'm very interested.
Good.
It's in Milford, Texas!
I think I actually
have something in my eye.
Okay.
Obviously, we would supply you
with first-class accommodations.
Fully furnished, beautiful area,
landscaped backyard.
Just to die for!
Uh, uh & I'll take it!
Can I take it?
Milford High needs
a new science teacher,
and your teaching certificate
is endorsed in chemistry,
but I just wanted to check
that you were still available.
Of course!
I'm your man!
(chuckles)
Sucker!
Well, that's the last of it.
-I'm going to miss you, Boo.
-You too.
Bye.
Yeah!
(Reporter) Well, folks,
it might not be the best time
to book that trip Mexico,
because it looks like
the National Harricane Center
has updated Tropical Storm
Bianca to a hurricane.
First of the season.
Stay tuned for updates.
You don't want to miss this.
Gotta get
the heck outta here...
Hey! Looks like
I'm your new neightbour.
Okay.
(spits)
Gotta go, gotta get
the heck outta here...
(goats bleating)
Hey, Shorty!
Now's not a good time
for making a mess.
-You just told me--
-Superintendent's on her way!
Make yourself scarse!
Sorry, Miss Ward.
Hi.
I'm looking for
the vice principal.
She's in a mood.
Okay.
What are you still doing here?
-The nurse said that---
-Hit the road.
-But--
-Get out of here.
What do you need?
Uh, Richard Martinez.
New science teacher.
[scoffs]
You're early.
Uh, you must be Debbie Ward.
[sighs]
Deb or Deborah.
Never Debbie.
Okay, uh, Deborah.
I just wanted
to stop by to say hi,
and maybe you can point me
in the-- in the right direction.
I'm not really sure-- Wow!
I love your purse.
First of all, don't be late.
Or early? Okay?
It annoys the hell out of me.
Second of all, don't bother me.
Third of all, leave the
faggy ties at home, okay?
Because nothing bothers
me more than faggy tie.
Now...
Look, here's your lesson plan.
Creationism?
I mean,
but I'm a science teacher.
I don't have time, okay?
Superintendent's on her way!
Go upstairs, find Coach Chuck
in the teachers' lounge.
Second floor.
(makes clicking sound)
Second floor.
Thanks.
Honestly.
(smacks lips together)
Happy birthday to me.
Ah!
You must be, um, Coach Chuck!
Hey, man.
You deliver my tacos?
Uh, no.
Uh, I'm, uh, Richard Martinez,
the new science teacher.
I know.
I was joking with you
because you're Spanish-looking.
-Oh.
-Do you want some cake?
Uh, no, I'm pretty good.
-Pretty good.
-Ah, don't be a sissy.
-Have a tit.
-Oh, uh, thanks.
There we go. Mm.
(Chuck) So this is the library.
(Richard) Um hmm.
Pretty standard, really.
You got to check it out every
once in a while for sleepers.
Sleepers?
(blows whistle)
Get up!
Don't let me see that again!
Well, now that you're in Texas,
I recommend that
you get one of these.
A diary?
-I don't think I need a diary.
-No, it's a little black book.
Every woman, every number.
I've gone through about
three of these just this year.
You don't have a phone
to keep your contacts in?
A phone?
How do you mean?
(sighs)
Let's start with discussing
the origin of differences
between men and women--
You're right across the hall
from Carly Ward,
Deb's daughter.
Ain't she a fox?
Many social influences
play a role
in determining
these differences.
If you ever hear the kids
talking about someone
named Miss First,
you'd best tell me about it.
Is that, like,
another teacher?
No one knows who it is.
They say Miss First
turns boys into men.
For their sake,
God, I hope it's her.
Um, this is
the longest tour ever.
And this is the grand finale.
Dang.
Mm.
(bell ringing)
Thank you!
Good morning, sir,
I'm Keely.
And I'm Amber.
Good morning!
Hi, ladies!
We brought you
a little something.
We just wanted to say,
Welcome to Milford High.
Aw, thank you.
Chocolates!
O love chocolates!
Have some.
Sure.
Amber's mom makes it fresh.
Oh, please.
Tell your mom I said thank you.
Oh, I will.
Now you ladies get to your
seat before I eat the whole box.
(chuckles)
-Enjoy.
-Thank you.
Ladies!
Today is not the day
to show off your ignorance.
Get it together!
Hi!
I'm Mr. Martinez,
and I just want to let you know
how excited I am to be here.
(laughing)
Okay!
Don't worry.
I used to think the same things
were just as funny
when I was your age.
(laughing)
Okay, okay! Let's
just get it all out of...
(coughing)
...our systems now.
(laughing)
Three... two... one.
(clearing throat)
You know...
(belches)
Pardon me.
(laughing)
Lift off!
(Richard) You know what, kids?
I'm not-- I'm not feeling
so good all of a sudden.
If you can just give
me a minute, I'll be--
I'll be right back.
Keely, can I put you
in charge for two minutes,
just two minutes top--
(laughing)
Okay, guys, quick.
Grab the chemistry set.
Best behaviour, baby.
She's here now.
So nice to see you,
Superintendent.
So nice to see you again too.
(rumbling)
(explosion)
What the devil?
You, uh, wanted to see me?
Where to start?
Where to start?
(beep)
Uh, you could start
with why Richard
left his class alone.
-Hmm?
-Is she listening in?
Yes.
Richard, there's been a lot
of people come in here
and try out this job.
And none of them
have been as bad as you.
I know these kids are a handful.
There's only one thing keeping
me from sending you back
to the middle of nowhere,
where you come from.
Middle of nowhere?
I...
I taught in New York City.
You taught kindy-garten.
Mr. Martinez,
you come highly recommended
from the Ambassador Program,
so I need you
to help me, help you.
I-I can help these kids
if you give me a chance.
Will I be seeing you
at the football game tonight?
There's your chance to mingle
with the rest of the staff.
(sighing)
I'll be there with
enought school spirit
to fuel a jetliner, sir.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
(cheering)
Come on, Mavericks!
Rip 'em up!
Rip 'em up!
You almost
fumbled it, you pussy!
What's your name?
(mumbling)
Shut up!
I don't care about your name!
Get up!
Get up!
You get on out!
God, you're terrible!
This is intense!
There's something
queer about him.
I can't put my finger on it.
Didn't you say he's
from New York, Mama?
He complimented my purse.
So what are you saying?
He's, like, some kind of queer?
Well, there's only
one way to find out.
You should
go talk to him, honey.
You think?
Yeah.
Show him Minnie and Mickey.
(chuckles)
No man can resist.
Bitch!
Well, aren't you just
hotter than bark on a tree!
Well, hello.
(chuckles)
I'm Carly.
I was upset I didn't get to meet
the cute new member
of our staff today.
Oh, well, that's very nice.
Nice to meet you.
So how do you like Texas so far?
Well, um, everybody
seems to be very welcoming,
to say the least.
(chuckles nervously)
(chuckles)
We're gonna have to spend
more time together.
We're going to be real,
great friends. I can tell.
So!
Do you, uh, like
teaching social studies?
Oh, yeah!
Mama thinks I have
a chance at this year's
Teacher of the Year award.
That's out of the whole state.
And this year,
the winner gets 25 grand.
(chuckling)
Well, good luck for you.
So now that we've been
formally introduced,
I'd like to introduce you
to a couple of friends of mine.
Oh, sure.
Mickey and Minnie.
Oh!
Ooh!
(chuckling nervously)
(cow bell ringing)
(Announcer) Defense!
15 yards on that first down!
I knew it.
Richard, I'm going to make this
quick and painless as possible.
Of course.
What's up?
We're going to
have to let you go.
Excuse me?
He said you're shit-canned.
What-- what is he doing here?
The principal likes
extra security
in situations such as these.
We fell... I feel that your
situation will be a distraction.
Wh--what situation?
Found this on the Internet.
(beep)
Single gay male seeks partner
who enjoys laughter, music
long-term relationship.
(laughs)
Where did you find that?
I haven't logged
into that for years!
He ain't even going to deny it.
I thought we had a deal.
You need me to step in, sir?
This school has strong values.
Turn-offs include
self-centredness
and bad hygiene.
Oh!
We need to keep
the children safe from those
that participate
in alternative relationships.
You know,
man on man, man on dog.
You understand.
Are you serious?
One more word from you,
and, uh,
I might have to call the law.
See you never, flamesauce!
(laughing)
Richard, Richard, Richard,
there's very little I can do
for a teacher who gets
fired so quick into the job.
I mean, come on!
I'll go to Oklahoma!
Kentucky!
I'll go anywhere.
Richard, darling,
whe have a waiting list
of over a hundred people,
and right now,
you're at the bottom
of the pile.
You can't tell me
what they did was legal.
You can't just fire somebody.
It's perfectly legal in many
states, Texas being one of them.
Look, I have to go, but
if you need any other help,
just write a letter
to congress, okay?
God.
Siri, I need a drink.
Hmm?
(Richard) Hey, hey.
There he is.
How you doin', Boo?
Hey, I wish
you guys were here.
That's nasty.
Ask him if he
downloaded Grinder yet.
No, I haven't downloaded
Grinder yet, you whore.
We just want to know how many
gay cowboys there are
in the Bible Belt.
(chuckles)
Wait, hold on.
I'm going to put you on speaker.
So, you guys are going
to go to White party?
I think it's racist.
He ain't ever invited me
to go to no black party.
She wouldn't think it was racist
if she looked half-decent
in anything here.
-I told you I have body issues.
-Do cardio.
Okay. All right,
according to Grinder,
the closest gay guy is...
drum roll, please!
30 miles away.
30 miles!
Oh, no, bitch.
We've got to get
you up out of there.
This is an emergency.
We're coming to get you, baby.
Where is she?
Huh?
I'm going to grab a drink.
Love you guys.
Mean it.
Oh, bitch.
hurry up and get changed.
We are GPS.
Try red.
Do you have anything on sale?
(horks)
Oh, hello.
Uh, can I have a, uh,
vodka soda, please?
What?
Really?
Dry county.
Wait! There's, like, no booze
in the whole county?
No-no wonder there's
no gay people here.
Just get him
a club soda, will you?
Texan always come prepared.
-I'm Richard.
-Karma.
Karma Johnstone.
You parents
must be a good time.
Why is that?
Well, most parents don't
name their children
after Buddhist principles.
Would you prefer
I had a normal name?
Something plain, like Mary?
Mary's not plain.
Mary's angelic.
I know plenty of Marys.
None are angelic.
Mary was mother of Jesus.
If someone were to ask me
to bear the child of God,
I'd have to say no.
You'd abort the baby Jesus?
Abortion is murder!
Pay him no mind.
Listen, I host a radio show,
and I'm doing a promotion
tonight at the Tin Room.
It's about a 30-mile drive
right on the county border.
Do they serve real drinks?
Does a bear shit in the woods?
(donkey brays)
(speaks indistinctly)
If I gave you a dollar,
would you go away?
Come on, let's go
and have a lap dance.
-Just go.
-That's enought, Snake.
Thank God you're here.
Great show tonight, gorgeous.
Thank you, Jocelyn.
I'll have my usual,
and can we get two shots?
Uh, no. No, no.
I can't drink.
Bad things happen when I drink.
Make it four.
Four shots.
You're going to kill me.
(Announcer)
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
Ambrosia Salad!
(cheering)
Guess what,
ladies and gentlemen?
Ambrosia-palooza
is back in business!
You're gonna need this.
(gagging)
And tonight,
prizes will be awarded
for the best impersonation
of the wonderful,
for the ever-so
drop-dead gourgeous...
me!
Miss Ambrosia Salad!
(cheering)
(makes clicking sound)
Well, apparently
it's perfectly legal
to do what they did here in
Texas and in 28 other states.
I Googled it.
My brother went to school there,
and he was terrorized.
I'm thinking I might
want to do, like,
a protest or something.
You know, peaceful, obviously,
because enough people
don't know about this.
We're outnumbered, baby.
That's why we had
to drive so far to get here.
Well, I won't stand for it!
Ooh, that works fast.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, where's the bathroom?
(Ambrosia)
We got any more volunteers
for the contest tonight?
No. No, no.
No. No, no.
Not me.
Gorgeous, um,
what's your name, sir?
His name is Richard!
No, I don't have a game.
That is not my name.
-Yes.
-No. No. No!
I don't do this!
No, no, no.
Looks like we found our final
contestant in tonight's contest!
Come on, Karma.
You are a bitch.
(both make clicking sound)
Ohh... shit.
(Reporter) This just in...
The storm, which is about
1,300 miles from land,
has reached speeds
in excess of 75 miles per hour.
In fact, the NHC has
categorized Bianca
as a category 1 hurricane.
Hurricane Bianca is going
to cause more problems
than anticipated.
Now we've got the lastest
from Del Rio, Mexico,
where residents are
preparing for the worst.
(humming)
Good morning.
(Karma) Buenos dias, senorita.
And what is your name,
my young lady friend?
(laughs)
Hung Over.
Nice to meet you.
Hydrate.
Thank you.
(belches)
Ooh.
Not a very polite lady.
Well, that's because I'm a man.
I think gender is really
just a social construct,
you know what I mean?
It is far too early to be
talking about things like this.
You know, when I told you
about my little brother
that was terrorized
in Milford High School--
Yes.
...I was talking about myself.
What?
Growing up, I thought
I was just a little gay boy.
Then I realized there was
a bit more to me than that.
I would have
never have clocked you.
I don't tell a lot of people,
FYI.
But I figured after last night,
I could trust you.
Sure.
Oh, about last night.
I'm almost afraid to ask.
First, you introduced
yourself as Wilma,
Wilma Shitstink.
Then you wouldn't give
the microphone back.
Well, if you were really funny,
you wouldn't need me
up here, would you?
(laughing)
You know what's funny?
Is that your name
is Ambrosia Salad,
and it looks like you eat
everything but a salad.
Fact!
(makes clicking sound)
Do I owe anybody an apology?
Are you kidding me, Wilma?
Everyone loved you.
You won the constest.
Well...
We're going to have
to let you go.
See you never, flamesauce!
Mama thinks I have
a chance at this year's
Teacher of the Year award.
The winner gets 25 grand.
Hmm.
(car engine revving)
(Radio Announcer)
This just in...
In the next 48 hours, Hurricane
Bianca is expected to strengthen
and is forecast to become
a category 4 or above.
(bell rings)
Hi.
I'm here to interview for
the science teacher position.
What's your name?
Uh, Bianca, Bianca Del Rio.
Does the principal
know you're coming?
Of course, Debbie.
It's Deb or Deborah.
Never Debbie.
Wow, what a gorgeous photo.
Is that you, Deb... bie?
Teacher of the Year ceremony,
Such a proud moment
for our school.
First and last time
Milford's ever won.
Humm.
(telephone rings)
-Hmm?
-What's next, Deborah?
Oh, some wannabe teacher,
and a little retard who says
he got beat up so he could
get out of gym class.
Forgive me, Deb, but is
this school part of the NEA?
The who?
The National Education Association
that's trying to remove the
R word from American schools.
(chuckling)
Well...
Especially when used as slang
in a negative
or derogatory context.
Look, this particular student
has been a problem at the school
for quite some time.
-So just--
-Don't worry.
They're only trying to
remove the word, not the people.
(whispering)
You'll be safe.
(whispering)
That's not funny.
It's not a joke.
Just a statement.
Just a statement.
So, you're a cougar.
Uh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
Houston University Cougars.
Oh!
Yes, Yes. Cougars.
Go, Cougars!
I grew up in Houston.
Football scholarship.
Impressive.
(beep)
Sir, there's a real long
list of students
that need to see you right now.
(Richard) Can we talk about
something off the record?
(Principal) Sure.
You're looking at your
next teacher of the year.
(Principal)
What makes you think that?
Hire me, and you'll
get a lot more than
just a brilliant
science teacher.
I've got ideas, Wayne,
lots of ideas than can help
more than just
the science department.
It can help the whole school.
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
I can't pay you
extra for all that.
My only reward will be the
satisfaction that I gave back
to a community that
has treated me so well.
I want to sharpen
your pencil, Wayne.
Oh! Disgusting.
That will work.
Good.
Nope. Nope.
I can't believe
you're doing this.
Do you think
she would wear this?
I mean, I want
to keep her classy.
Richard,
I'm worried about you.
I'm worried about you too,
that you're not using
enough moisturizer.
I'm serious.
I'm serious too.
That's why you're going to
teach me everything you know.
The fate of this school rests
on your dainty little
sholder... pads.
Please tell me those
are sholder pads.
Putting all this
effort into this. Why?
Because you're pissed off!
You need to move on.
I was pissed, but I haven't
given up hope on these kids.
They're not
full-grown bigots yet,
and all it takes is one teacher
to change their lives.
Who's it going to be?
The one with the rodents
on her boobs,
or that stupid Coach Chuck?
Coach Chuck?
Yeah.
You know him?
You could say that.
Wait a minute.
You like him.
Absolutely not.
You think he's dreamy.
Stop!
You like him!
You want to marry him!
Ow!
I have a secret to tell you.
Another one?
(whispering) So you know
that I grew up as a boy,
but what you don't know is--
Why are you whispering?
We've in your house alone.
(whispering)
But what I didn't tell you
is the experience
that I had growing up.
Okay, you need to stop,
bacause this is freaking me out.
Okay.
(whispering) So what
I'm trying to say is--
You're doing it again!
This is difficult for me!
You need to calm down!
(both grunt in frustration)
Coach Chuck is my baby brother.
Is it a requirement
in this town
for everyone to be related?
We were close
when I was younger, but...
I ran away after I came out.
You're the only person
I've ever told any of this.
Let me get this straight.
So Miss Cartoon Boobs is related
to Little Debbie Snack Cakes.
You used to be a man.
I'm dealing with
my own identity issues,
and now you're
trying to convince me
that you're related to Little
Black Book and Titty Cake?
So you won't say anything?
Who could I possibly tell that
would believe this shit, Karma?
Is this the front, or the back?
It's a poncho, bitch.
(Over PA) We'd like to introduce
the newest member
to Milford's teaching staff.
Starting today in the
senior science department,
please welcome Miss Del Rio.
Smear the queer!
Smear the queer!
Yeah!
(shouts indistinctly)
Smear the queer!
Smear the queer!
Smear the queer!
(chanting continues)
(air horn sounds)
Get some of that!
Get--
What the... What...
What on earth?
(air horn continues to blast)
She's not going to last.
She might last longer
than Professor Gaywad.
I give her two days.
I give her two minutes.
Let's start with covalent bonds.
Um, Miss Del Taco?
(laughing)
Call me Miss Bianca.
It's easier
for you to pronounce.
Um, when we have
a substitute teacher,
we always
just get a study period.
Oh, really?
What's yout name, sweetheart?
I'm Keely.
Keely?
Well, I'm going
to call you Bath Mat.
(laughing)
Not because of that
lovely vest you're wearing.
It's because I think
you smell like feet.
(laughing)
Bath Mat, you have
detention after school.
For what?
Did you happen to notice
your classmate getting beat up?
Yeah, but I wasn't doing it.
Not, but you laughed
and didn't help.
It's just as bad.
Detention, two hours.
(laughing)
And you!
Detention all week.
I have football practice!
Not my problem.
I love your outfit.
Where did you get it?
Salvation Army?
(laughing)
No, I got it from
someone named Lady Gaga.
Heard of her?
What?
Like, at a concert?
No. Like, we're friends
from New York.
(gasping)
Yeah, and Britney Spears
is your sister.
No. But Cher is my cousin.
Bullshit.
(laughing)
What's your name?
Oh, wait.
I know what we're
going to call you.
White Trash that Won't Burn.
(laughing)
(gasping)
(groaning)
Miss Dorito?
(laughs)
Hey, James and the
Giant Peach, keep it down.
(laughing)
You can't call me that.
My parents are lawyers.
Your parents are siblings.
Now shut-up!
Look, we all pitched in
and got these for you.
To welcome you to Milford High.
Oh, how nice.
Bath Mat, pass these out.
They're for you.
(chuckles nervously)
Hand them out
to the class, Bath Mat.
I'm feeling very
generous today.
Miss Del Rio,
may I have a word?
Of course!
What a lovely, unexpected
surprise, Deb... bie.
Outside!
(Students) Ooh!
(laughing)
I understand you're
new here, Miss Del Rio,
but it is against school policy
to feed the students.
So that's why you're here.
You smell food.
I wanted to give this to you
before you started your lesson.
Creationism.
Hmm.
Now, is this from
the school board,
or your own personal collection?
Well, we believe
in teaching an alternative.
Miss Ward, these opinions
are far more religious
than scientific.
God created the universe.
That's not an opinion.
That's a fact.
This is a science class,
not a Sunday school.
Let me make something
very clear, Miss Del Rio.
It is in your best interest
to get along with me.
Let me make something
very clear to you, Debbie.
I'm fucking this cat.
You just hold the legs.
Got it?
(clapping)
(laughing)
Silence!
Read chapter eight for tomorrow.
There will be a quiz.
(Karma) Stay calm.
There's eyelash glue in
the emergency kit I made you.
Oh, yes! I found it.
Thank you.
There's also a disposable razor
in case you need a touch up.
Bobody likes a hairy lady.
You are a lifesaver.
Mwah! Thanks.
(Chuck) You okay, pretty girl?
Uh, yeah.
Everything's fine.
You know this is
the men's room, don't you?
God!
Well, I don't...
I don't have my contacts in!
So you're
the new science guru.
Uh, yeah.
Today is my very first day.
I'm, uh, Bianca.
-Coach Chuck.
-Yeah.
And good luck with that group.
Yeah, they really are a...
-a handful.
-Yeah.
Lucky you weren't
here last year.
Two of my kids climbed
to the roof and made bets
on who's going to hit
the ground first of they jump.
Shit.
Well, they're fine now.
-But it was a mess.
-Hmm.
And you know
what the French say.
Mi casa is su casa.
-It means, That's life.
-Yeah.
You are so cultured.
I'm sure I'll be seeing you.
I'm sure.
(sighs)
(cheering)
Let's go, Mavericks!
Whoo!
That smells real good.
Oh, it's honey gloss.
It smells delicious.
It tastes good, too.
(cheering with excitement)
(Announcer) Touchdown!
- Our team! Our team!
- That's the wrong team, stupid!
(Cheerleaders) Ready?
Okay!
U-G-L-Y...
You ain't got no alibi!
You ugly!
Yes, yes, you ugly!
Whoo!
(Richard) Oh, my God, ladies.
That wouldn't ignite a fart.
You think you can do better?
Well, they can't get any worse.
Will you shut up already?
Will you?
-Come on, Mavericks.
-Whoo! Whoo!
Okay, ladies, you want
to make this happen?
Let me show you something
that Miles Cyrus
taught me in Amsterdam.
Whoo!
I know, I know.
Shh! Listen.
So what you're going
to have to do first--
(Announcer) First down
for the visiting Bison,
leaving Milford
trailing by four.
Looks like any hope
the Mavericks had
of breaking their losing streak
will be dashed.
Tits up!
Sparkle, Meely, sparkle.
Y-- Ugh.
Hut! Hut!
Hike!
One, two, three...
...five, six, seven, eight.
We are the Maverick girls!
We wear our hair in curls!
We wear our dungarees
above our dirty knees!
We wear no underwear!
Check out our derriere!
Whoo!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Holy shit!
(blows whistle)
Touchdown!
(cheering, exclaiming)
Good work! Whoo!
Cheer, damn it! Cheer!
(Announcer) This is the first
win of the season
for the Mavericks.
I did not say touch me.
(shouting indistinctly, cheering)
Your hair smells delicious.
(cheering)
Another day with Miss Dorito.
She's almost
as hot as Miss First.
Almost.
Come on,
you've never had Miss First.
Neither have you.
Frick and Frack,
this is not TV.
I can hear you.
So what do you say?
I know a real romantic
spot under the bleachers.
Oh, please.
I already gave to charity.
(scoffing)
Okay, shit stains!
We're going to try
something new today.
Did everybody do the reading?
Hmm?
White Trash?
Muffin Top?
(giggling)
Man Boobs?
(laughing)
What about you, Bath Mat?
Bath Mat?
What?
Did you do the reading?
Yes.
Good.
Then you're going to
enjoy our little game today.
Now, everyone takes out the
volcanoes that I have prepared.
Oh, yeah.
Now please put on your safety
gear and follow my instructions.
I am only going to ask once.
Now remove the liquid bottles,
and can anybody name
the dark bottle?
Nitroglycerin.
Speak up.
Um, nit-- nitroglycerin.
Yes!
Nitroglycerin.
Nitroglycerin is a
colourless liquid that's used
as an active ingredient
to manufacture explosives.
Oh, yeah!
(chuckling)
This is a very,
very interesting chemical.
Now, can anybody tell me
what the second bottle is?
Orange nitrate.
That's correct!
Orange nitrate.
This chemical comes
in a variety of colours.
The interesting thing
about orange nitrate is--
(screaming)
-Ooh!
-Oh!
What the hell?
(laughing)
Your face is orange.
So is yours.
Oh, dear.
You didn't happen to mix the two
chemicals together now, did you?
(laughing)
Was this a trick?
Oh, please. If you'd have done
your homework assignment,
you would know
that orange nitrate
cause skin discoloration.
What?
Who looks like a Dorito now?
(scoffs)
There you are, children.
This is what happens when
you don't do your homework.
It's only going to get worse.
(bell rings)
-Bye, Miss Del Rio.
-Hey!
I notice you avoided
most of the damage today.
Oh, well, yeah. I mean,
I actually read
the chapter last week,
so I knew the surprise,
but that was
still really awesome.
Good job, Bobby.
You know my real name?
Who am I fooling?
Of course I know your real name.
Now, tell me.
What's going on here?
Oh, I mean,
I could say something,
but I've already
complained to Principal Wayne
about a hundred times, so...
What's the deal?
There are these guys that
follow me home from school a lot
and call me names, push me down.
You know, Bobby, sometimes
people are douchebags
just to make
themselves feel better.
It has nothing to do with you.
Now, do you have keys?
Keys?
Like house keys.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Let me show you a little trick
my mom taught me
-when I was younger.
-Okay.
What you do is you make a fist,
and you put the keys
in between your fingers.
-Like Wolverine?
-That's it!
And listen, this is going
to leave a mark
and you don't even
have to hit that hard.
-Revenge at its finest!
-That's it.
(moaning in pain)
Okay, Bobby.
Why don't you just leave
the revenge to us grownups?
-Okay?
-Okay.
(Chuck)
Hey! Miss Del Rio!
Hey, Coach Chuck!
Big win last night.
Congratulations.
I gotta say, I saw how you
helped the girls last night.
The cheers were
really something.
Yeah, it's amazing what the
handicapped can accomplish.
(chuckles)
You're funny.
You should see me naked.
(chuckling)
Really?
You know what, Coach?
There is something
I wanted to ask you.
Some kids in my class were
talking about Miss First.
-Who is she?
-No idea.
Come on, Coach.
You gotta know.
If I knew, I would tell you.
Can I ask you something?
I suppose.
Can I take you out sometime?
No.
I'm not like most other guys.
I'm not like most other women.
So say yes.
All right, Coach Chuck.
You want to take
me out on a date,
you better bring your A-game.
I'll be ready after 6:00.
I love it when
they play hard to get.
Girl!
Let's just say things are not
turning out as I had planned.
Are you okay?
Yeah, you can tell us anything.
We won't judge.
All right.
Well, for starters, I got fired
as soon as I got here,
and then I had to start
dressing as a woman
so I could get my job back.
Then I started
lying to the children,
telling them that
I knew famous people
so that they would like me.
I mean, who lies to children?
Well...
And to top it off, right now
I'm at a rollerskate rink
with the football coach,
on a date,
and he thinks my name is Bianca.
Hello?
Word, bitch! Yeah!
-Yeah! Suck his dick.
-Uh-uh.
He's actually taking a leak,
and I'm trying
to grab us some beers.
Oh!
Don't drink too much.
Yeah. Bad things happen
when you drink too much.
Oh, really?
Coming from you?
Don't try it.
You remember that thing
with the candlestick?
(cackles)
(laughs)
I'll call you back later.
I've got things to do. Bye.
-Okay, bye.
-Bye.
-Don't hit my phone, ho.
-Shh...
-You don't pay my bill.
-...up.
-You got a four.
-Change the channel.
Ow!
(giggling)
So I was going
to take you to a stuffy,
fancy old restaurant,
but I figured this would
be a way more fun way
to get to know each other.
Well, I love this place.
It's really adorable.
It's more than adorable.
It's really romantic.
Uh, yeah.
And it also gives us
a lot of time to talk about
that Miss First character.
Are you still on that,
Nancy Drew?
Actually, I look
more like Nancy Grace.
But spill it! Spill it.
Tell me.
She's what you call a myth,
which means she ain't real.
Uh, yeah, I know
what a myth is, Chuck.
Well, they say that Miss First
turns the boy into men,
if you know what I mean.
Oh, it's got
to be that Carly chick.
She seems really trampy.
What makes you think I know.
Well, I would assume
you have her number
in your little black book.
How do you know about that?
I mean, come one,
Fread Flintstone.
Who the hell carries around
a book with phone numbers
in it anymore?
I only show that to folks
I'm trying to impress.
Well, you're really
impressing me, Chuck.
So tell me,
do you have a big family?
You are really, really pretty.
You are really, really drunk.
So do you have any
brothers and sisters?
I mean, it seems to be the
theme down here in the south.
I want to kiss you
so bad right now.
Listen, I'm trying to
get to know you, you idiot.
You know,
you are as mean as a snake,
and I love that about you.
Look, I'm already
falling for you.
Get up, you big oaf!
Oh!
Mm.
Oh, mother of Christ.
We're late.
What time is it?
(Chuck) What's the matter?
Uh, nothing.
I just have the worst
morning breath ever.
(Chuck) Did anything
happen between us?
I mean, sex-wise?
Oh, God. I hope not.
(Chuck) Why would you say that?
Because sex can ruin
a beautiful friendship.
Not if you're real,
real good at it.
Can you, like,
put all of that away, please?
You can hitch a ride with me.
You going to take
a quick shower?
Uh, sometimes a lady needs
more than a quick shower.
I hear you.
All right.
(toilet flushes)
She's as crooked as a dog's
hind legs, and you know it.
And Principal Wayne knows it.
I sure as hell do.
She's worn out her welcome,
as far as I'm concerned.
As long as I get a Teacher of
the Year nomination, I'm happy.
I'll make sure of that.
Don't you worry.
We'll get rid of that skunk
faster than shit
through a goose.
(smacks her lips)
Mama, you don't think they're
too big, though, do you?
Oh, you look beautiful.
Come on.
I knew it!
I can explain.
Shaving is a really,
really good exfoliator.
You think I'm dumber than
a box of hammers, don't you?
Yes, it's me. Richard.
Yes, Richard from New York.
Richard that everybody hates.
Richard that got fired.
You don't have to kneel.
I can see you fine
from where you were.
I-I wanted to kneel.
That's really condescending.
My feet hurt!
That's why.
My feet hurt!
It's not all about you.
Fine.
I know this is going
to sound crazy,
but after they got rid of me,
who are they going
to get to teach these kids?
Carly?
Everyone thinks she's sweet,
but she's just as much
of a jerk as her mom.
You notice that too, huh?
I notice everything.
Do me a favour.
Keep your eye on her,
and let me know if she's got
any funny business going on.
-You can count on me, sir.
-Oh, cute. Real cute.
Why don't you go mop the
yellow brick road or something?
To celebrate today
being a half day of school,
we're going
to play a little game.
(cherring)
And here we go.
Who can name the substance
that cells use
as an immediate
source of energy?
Keely?
I wasn't raising my hand.
Did you do the homework?
Yeah.
I just don't know the answer.
Come on up here, Keely.
Come up.
(Students) Ooh!
-Right here.
Why didn't you complete
the assignment, Bath Mat?
Um...
Now, come here.
Stand closer.
Closer so I look prettier.
(laughing)
Now, what did
you do last night?
She went to a college party!
Oh, really?
How was that?
Uh, the pool was filthy,
and the music was torrible.
And that's worse than
terrible and horrible combined.
-Sounds horrible.
-Uh, torrible.
I think the real question is,
what did you do last night,
Miss Del Rio?
Coach Chuck said,
you were grade A.
(chuckling)
Get up here!
(Students) Ooh!
Now, look at me.
Come here.
Now, look at me.
Both eyes.
Bring that lazy one around.
There we go. There we go.
(laughing)
Tell me, big man.
What happened to your face?
Oh, uh...
My girlfriend got
a little wild last night.
(Student) Yeah!
(Richard) Yeah, whatever.
Okay, listen. The question is,
what is the cause
of most infectious diseases?
Oh, I know this one.
Raise your hand.
Keely?
Microorganisms?
Mm, pollutants.
And Keely is correct!
(applause)
Now for a closer look
into more microorganisms,
you could read page 43,
or just look into Tommy's pants.
(laughing)
It's a joke.
Good for you, Keely.
(clapping)
(Chuck) You need a ride home?
Uh, no.
I'm-- I'm okay.
I have a friend
picking me up, thanks.
I had a real,
good time last night.
Yeah.
Uh, me-- me too.
(car horn beeping)
Oh, you know what?
Th-that's her.
Gotta go! Bye!
(signing)
What the fucking fuck?
It's not what it looks like.
Are you sleeping
with my brother.
No!
Gross! Oh, no!
I'm just messing with his head.
Can I trust you
to stay away from my brother?
Maybe you should talk to him.
He might be a really cool guy,
for all you know.
You have no idea.
Just don't worry about it.
He teaches
right across the hall.
If you ever!
Okay, fine.
I will not talk about him.
I will not talk about you,
or that hat!
Oh!
Drive!
(engine starting)
Slut!
(slurping)
So, um, are you
from around this area?
Yeah.
A few miles outside of Milford.
I really like it here.
It's rather charming.
I'm trying to convince
my brother
to come down and visit sometime.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah, but, um...
(whispering)
He's gay.
Oh.
Well, you know,
it's getting better down here.
It used to be real bad
for gay dudes.
Mm.
Do, uh, you have any siblings?
Can I tell you a secret?
Sure.
I had a gay brother too,
growing up.
He used to get beat up a lot.
Must have been a real
chick magnet for you.
I never thought about that.
It's not like I went to gay bars
with him or nothing.
I would have.
I just get annoyed
getting hit on by dudes.
But I guess it comes
with the territory
having an ass this good.
(chuckles)
So, um, what happened
to your brother?
He ran away.
I haven't seen him since
right before his 19th birthday,
bit I swear,
I'd give my right nut
to know that
little shit is okay.
He brought it up!
I promise!
Get out!
What?
I specifically asked you not
to stir anything up with him.
But this is good news!
At least it's a start.
I really think
you shold talk to him.
I really think you should
mind your own business!
Let me get this straight.
You have a radio show
where you give people advice
about relationship problems,
and the way that you
deal with your own
is by running away from them?
You don't know
these people, Richard.
Do you think
my parents were happy
when they found out I was gay?
No!
But eventually,
thet came around.
My situation
is a little bit different!
All I'm saying is that you can't
judge people for mistreating you
about something that
they know nothing about.
All I'm saying is you
don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here!
(sighs)
(gasps)
(cackling)
Grand Inn.
Can you hold, please?
Okay.
Two twin beds
or a single queen?
A single queen.
(sobbing)
Single queen.
Oh, dear.
(Karma on radio)
Take my advice.
Whatever it is
you're going through,
surround yourself with
as many friends as possible.
This is the time
to patch up old relationships.
That's it for the
Karma Sutra show.
Good night.
(Voice outside) Listen,
this was your stupid ass idea.
Girl, can you get off Grinder
for a second
and do something useful?
Useful?
I wanted to text Richard,
and tell him we were
coming the fuck down here,
but you said, No,
let's make it a surprise!
Oh, my God!
What are you guys doing here?
You better tie your shoes
bacause you're tripping, bitch!
Hey!
Richard!
Oh, we decided to stop on
our way down to White Party.
Yeah, this is a
really shitty place.
I'll explain.
So we asked for
a room with one bed.
Because it was cheaper
and not because-- gross.
You should be so lucky. Ha.
Anyway,
but when that cigarette-smoking
lunch lady bitch
behind the counter
realized we were two dudes,
she changed the reservation from
one queen to two double beds,
which was $50 more.
You know I cannot take you
seriously looking like that.
You don't think I'm pretty?
You're the prettiest
girl on the planet...
(Both) ...of the apes!
(laughing)
So what else did we miss?
Well, I just think
everybody was right.
What the hell am I doing here?
You're following your dreams.
That's adorable.
Well, it looks like I'm going
to be following y'all back home.
You say y'all now?
-Stay here. Barf.
-Shut up.
Richard, why would you quit?
Well, to be honest, A, the
kids are already doing better,
B, I'm doing to get fired again,
and, C, I miss brunch.
Come to White Party!
Yeah!
Come to White Party!
No, no, no. I said brunch.
Eggs are white.
Nice, job, Tommy.
Mr. Bobby.
Here you go.
I got a B-plus!
(gasps)
I've never even got a B defore.
Very well-written, Bath Mat.
You actually
have a bright future.
If you work hard!
Oh, my God!
I got a B-minus!
That is so unexpected.
Well, I guess you're no longer
the dumbest class in school.
At least on paper.
(chuckling)
(intercom beeps)
Please excuse the interruption.
Miss Del Rio?
Principal Wayne would
like a see you after class.
(Students) Ooh!
What'd you do?
Come on? Tell us?
Shut up!
(laughing)
Principal Wayne,
your daughter is gorgeous!
That's my wife.
Oh!
It's your wife.
Well, she's, uh, very blonde.
I've asked you to come here
because I'm, uh,
faced with a very
difficult decision.
Join the club.
I notice you've been taking a...
very unusual approach
with your students.
Well, Principal Wayne,
some of the kids are assholes,
and I have to treat
them accordingly.
The language you use could be
argued as inappropriate to some.
Some of them deserve it.
You feel it's working?
In fact, I do.
Then I've made
up my mind, Bianca.
I've made up
my mind as well, sir.
I've decided to nominate you--
You don't have
to fire me. I quit.
...for Teacher of the Year.
-What?
-What?
What?!
Ah!
I don't know what to say!
I...
Not one student has missed a
single class since you started.
That is unprecedented.
(beep)
This is outrageous!
I'm sure it didn't hurt
that you lied to them.
Oh, why don't you go ahead
and tell us all about
your cousin Cher, huh?
Or your best friend, Lady Ga-ga?
How's she doing?
Well, I... I haven't
talked to her in a while.
You really know this Lady Ga-ga?
Yes, sir.
Oh!
You are so full of shit, Bianca.
If that even is your real name!
Do you think it would be too
much to invite this Lady Ga-ga
to the ceremony?
It would be great
publicity for the school.
I will certainly ask her.
(sighs)
Okay.
(phone rings)
Mama?
Hi.
Yeah.
This line always takes forever.
Yeah, I'll meet you in a few.
I'm just getting my hair done.
-I could colour for you.
-Thank you.
-Yeah,
-I could colour for you!
Oh, you always
talk on the phone.
Talk talk on the phone.
Never talk to me.
You only white lady who come
in here and never talk to me.
Don't come back!
Bye!
Hi.
(screams)
(Richard) Shit!
What the fuck?!
(shouting indistinctly)
Part one's done, Sis.
You found her?
Well, of course I found her.
Now make sure
no one else will.
And no scars, right?
(cackles)
Nothing visible.
You got it, darling.
(cackles)
-Hey.
-Oh!
Mama!
Oh!
(laughing, crying)
You look beautiful.
(crying)
Thank you.
Oh, Daddy.
(knocking)
Oh, God.
Chuck doesn't cry.
(laughing, crying)
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Hey, Mom.
(Chuck) Oh, that's a good hug.
A good hug.
(Richard) This has gone too far!
I'm a science teacher,
for Christ's sake.
What is this?
Unsolved Mysteries bullshit?
What can I say?
I can't believe
what just happened.
Thanks for being
such a good friend.
I'm glad you're
in my life, Richard.
You're still not allowed
to sleep with my brother.
Bye, bitch.
You know that
you're going to jail.
This--
(voice muffled)
You know Carly wanted that
teacher award you're after.
Sis always makes sure
Carly gets what she wants.
I'm just supposed
to keep an eye on you
until the ceremony is over.
Now I've got
to leave you out here!
Hey, I know it might
be weird to call,
but something crazy
just happened
I want to tell you about it.
Also, I had a really great
time with you the other night.
I hope we can do it again soon.
See you soon, pretty girl.
(Willie) Sorry, lady.
Blood is thicker than water.
What that means to you
is family always comes first.
(lighter clicks)
What the hell?
(Richard) Fuck off, Fatty!
(grunting)
(Willie) Shit!
Son of a Bitch!
You fucking bitch!
When I find you, I'm going
to cut you open like a cow!
(snake hissing)
(Richard) Housekeeping!
Morning, angels.
I knew you were
going to be hungover.
-Where have you been, girl?
-Ooh, coffe.
Listen, I can explain.
But first, I need
you to meet my friend.
This is Karma, and Janice,
Janice, Karma,
Stephen, Bailey.
(All) Hi.
Okay, I need your help.
Uh-uh.
See, we called you,
like, 50 times yesterday.
Someone from the school
tried to have him kidnapped!
I heard everything!
Hold up. They're kidnapping
bitches over here?
Oh, hell to the no.
See, you need
to call the police.
You cannot call the police here
because everybody is related.
It's not a real town.
It's like a big family reunion.
What?
-Explain.
-Okay.
It's like sometimes
when you walk in the club,
and then you look around,
and you're like,
Well, damn,
I done slept with
everybody up in here.
-Oh, okay.
-Proceed.
Well, look.
I have a plan.
Ooh, look at you, sounding like
Miss Tranny MacGyver Fish. Yes!
Well, I've had time
to think about it
because I've been
walking for 13 miles.
What?
Explain.
Um, it's like walking
from Soho to Harlem.
Don't they have uber here?
(groaning)
(Richard) Hurricanes form
in tropical regions
because they need warm water
of at least
80 degrees Fahrenheit.
The most characteristic feature
of hurricanes is their eye,
a region of dry air about which
the strongest winds circulate.
(thunder crashing)
(chanting)
Gaga! Gaga! Gaga!
(chanting continues)
This is the Karma Sutra show,
live from the Texas Theatre,
where there are rumors
that there will be an
appearance by Lady Gaga
at tonight's
Teacher of the Year Ceremony.
Who the hell are you?
I'm part of G's security team,
and I need to go
through this building
and make sure
it's secure before the event.
Whose security team?
G's security team.
Yeah. Who's G?
G. Lady Gaga. G.
This has been cleared for weeks.
Oh, well, this is news to me.
Well, you listen
to me, Polka Dot.
Now, Lady Gaga herself is on
her way here from the airport,
and if I'm not able
to go through this building
and make sure it's secure
from crackheads
and cracks in the ceiling,
then I will makes a call.
She will turn around, and
trust me, you don't want that.
Gaga! Gaga!
(chanting continues)
All right. Go ahead.
Thank you.
Nice dress.
Hey!
Knock it off out there!
Gaga! Gaga!
(panting)
Ooh, I've got
to start going to the gym.
Oh!
Oh!
Ah!
Son of a bitch! Ah!
Be careful!
Girl, I'm sorry.
I was going to cut you
a breathing hole, I promise.
All right, come on,
Reese Littlespoon.
(snaps fingers)
Hi.
Oh, hello.
Uh, okay, Wayne, here you go.
And here is one
for your daughter.
That's my wife.
(giggles)
Oh, you.
Oh!
(cheering)
She's coming!
Ah! It's really her!
My feet are killing me.
Keep your mouth shut, Gaga.
The queen of pop music
has arrived.
Hello, and welcome, everyone,
to the annual District 214
Teacher of the Year ceremony.
(applause)
(thunder crashing)
I am so lucky to be here
to introduce some of our
very talented staff tonight.
And pinch me now!
We have a very special guest.
I still can't believe it.
Lady Gaga took time out
of her very busy schedule
to join us this evening.
(applause/cheering)
Are you having
a good time, Gaga?
Mm-hmm.
Can you tell that to your face?
Unfortunately, one of our
teachers, Miss Del Rio,
had some problems
and was forced to resign.
(moaning, muttering)
When did this happen?
It's all under control, Wayne.
-Shay-shay.
-Very shady.
(Superintendent)
But not to worry.
Milford High will
still be represented.
They decided to send
Carly Ward as an alternate.
(applause)
(Richard) Scientists
have warned residents
to be beware of storms
with female names,
as they are perceived
to be less threatening,
but are significantly
more likely to kill you.
Now let's take a moment to get
to know some of our nominees.
(applause)
Our first nominee is
Mr. Homer Flint
from Nacogdoches.
(applause)
Homer is favourite
at this hight school
because of some of his strong
and visionary leadership,
a clear vision of his goals,
and his impeccable style.
(laughing)
Our next nominee
is from Meadowlakes...
Sue Ellen Spencer.
She is known for her fun, laid
back creative writing classes...
-Huh?
-Sex scandal! Oh!
What is going down
in the school yard?
Them desks is dirty.
(gasping, murmuring)
Huh?
Oh!
This thing is broken.
Shut it down!
(whistles)
Shut it down!
What the hell?
(gasping, murmuring)
(Deb) Hey!
This-- this isn't--
Shut this down!
Oh, my God!
Not in my school!
That's not me!
That's not me!
It's just...
It's... It's any short person.
What the hell?
Things have taken
a strange turn here.
Miss First, the mysterious, and
up until now, anonymous woman
that has been seducing
young boys has been revealed
as Deborah Ward!
Oh, quiet down, everybody!
Oh, God!
Look, this is not true!
This is a conspiracy!
(murmuring, shouting)
(grunting)
Will somebody fix
the dang projector already?!
Oh!
Oh!
(gasping)
What...
It's biting me!
Ah!
(deflating sound)
(laughing)
Oh!
(laughs)
Girl!
(gasping)
(deflating sound)
(laughing)
Did she just get botched?
She's going to need a Band-Aid!
No!
No!
(Deb) Where are you?
Pick up!
Pick up, Willie!
Willie, pick up!
(muffled yelling)
Let me out of here!
Somebody let me out of here!
(Deb) Willie!
Willie, get back
to me right now!
Oh!
(moaning)
Ooh.
(toilet flushing)
Oh, Debbie!
Don't you look fancy tonight?
You!
Sorry I'm a little late.
I was tied up!
Give me these!
Get out of my way.
Has anybody
ever told you, Debbie,
that you have
beautifully shapped lips?
Yes.
(chuckling)
And you know
you need to be really careful
with that face of yours.
You might attract
a swarm of men.
(laughing)
(screaming)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
It's just like My Girl!
Oh! Oh!
(screaming)
Without further ado, I'd like
to announce the winner,
before anything else
falls on us.
The winner of this year's
Teacher of the Year award is...
Well, this is awkward.
Carly Ward?
(gasping, murmuring)
Rigged!
Wh-- Oh...
Superintendent Howard!
The information
that disqualified
our original nominee
was given to you
on false pretenses.
What makes you
say that, Wayne?
Because Deborah Ward and her
daughter are filthy liars!
-We want Bianca!
-Yeah, we want Bianca!
Bianca!
Bianca!
Bianca!
(chanting continues)
Bianca!
(Chuck) Bianca.
Where you been?
I think Lady Gaga
was hitting on me.
Oh, yeah?
But don't worry.
I told her I was already taken.
(chanting Bianca continues)
(clapping and cheering)
Bianca!
Do you think we need a recount?
(clapping and cheering)
Well all right then.
Thank you, District 214.
When I started, I didn't know
if I was going to fit in,
but one thing that
was consistent
was this remarkable staff
who didn't skip a beat
in allowing me into
their community.
When I arrived, every single
student I had was failing.
Each one has shown
improvement of at least 40%.
All of this,
coming from someone
you said,
was as embarrassment
to your community.
(gasping)
What?
Holy fucking shit.
(Both) I knew it.
She's a dude?
A man.
A man?
I got punked.
That was really fucking good.
(laughing)
This is Bianca.
(confetti popping)
(gasping and laughing)
It's messed up my hair.
Oh, it's pretty.
Yes!
Word!
All of you have some very
serious explaining to do.
I can barely move my mouth.
Beestung lips
are really in right now.
(crying) Do you know
how expensive these were?
Oh, baby.
I must say,
I have seen better behavior
from some of your
worst students!
Richard, do me a favor?
Take a look at the front page.
(crying)
Why? Why?
'Why is my school racist against
gay people?' By Keely Carson.
Oh, Wayne, come on.
You cannot give in
to these kinds
of special interest groups.
Chuck.
On it.
Sorry, ma'am, the Principal
asked me to be here
for extra security.
What? Hey, let go of me,
you overgrown maggot! Hey--
Don't think I want be
calling the law, Miss Ward.
Oh, are you kidding me?
Is this a joke?
Come on! That kid's been
held back, like, six times.
He said he was legal!
He did!
Did you see that guy?
Now, as for you, young lady.
(Deb continues to rant)
I have no proof that you
were involved in any of this.
Looks like you've
suffered enough already.
(Deb) You know who
you're messing with?
And to think I was going
to let you touch these!
(crying)
Just one more thing, Richard.
Yes, sir.
Please stay out
of the ladies' room.
(laughing)
I'll try.
(call, speak indistinctly)
(Keely's voice) I used to be
one of those people
that didn't really
care about gay people,
but then we had this teacher,
and everyone was
torrible to him, including me.
But I didn't think he would
get fired or anything.
(Richard) All right, guys!
Who's ready to graduate?
(Keely) Furthermore so,
I think the school should have,
like, some protection
program, or something,
to protect gay people.
Because my friend Bobby
is a total homo,
but he won't come out because
he'll probably get beat up.
Well, at least more so
than he already does.
Anyway, thank you
for reading my article.
Keely Carson.
(laughing)
All right!
Please help me
welcome back to the stage
someone very important...
Put your hands together
and make some noise for the one,
the only, Bianca Del Rio!
(cheering)
-Thank you, Ambrosia! Mwah.
-Mwah.
(cheering)
Yeah, Miss Del Rio!
Oh, my God.
What are you guys doing gere?
Do your parents
know you're here?
Security!
(laughing)
Okay, listen, we have
to get this show started,
and I can only start the show
with a drunk, straight girl.
Do we have any drunk,
straight girls in the audience?
Thumbelina, come on up!
I know you!
This is my good
girlfriend, Janice.
All right.
Who is ready to see Janice
to an interpretive dance?
(cheering/applause)
All right.
You ready, bitch?
Let's do it.
Hit it, DJ!
(Karma) Janice took over
as the dance captain
of the Lady Maverick
cheerleading squad,
which became her cover
when she was recruited
for Secret Ops at the CIA.
Anyway, you know,
I have to say...
(laughing)
...oh, you two.
On your fucking phones. Rude.
...as Stephen and Bailey
continued to look
for dates on Grinder,
they realized
they'd accidentally
been talking to each other.
Bailey still lives
on Stephen's futon,
but sometimes gets an upgrade.
So...
Oh, thank you!
What are you doing here?
I came to see my girlfriend.
Houston, we got lots
of problems, mainly you.
I won the Texas Excellence
in Radio award
for my coverage of the
Teacher of the Year ceremony.
Chuck an I
are closer than ever.
He's still trying to add
Bianca to his little black book.
Richard used his winnings
to find a nicer apartment,
and started a theater
program at the school.
I finally got to meet his
cousin, who's not really Cher.
(Richard) Well, she is every
Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.
(Karma) In the end,
Hurricane Bianca was
just the right kind of storm
that this little town needed.
(laughing)
StenjrBR