Hurricane Bianca: From Russia with Hate (2018) Movie Script

[wolf howling]
(distant voices)
Deb or Deborah, never Debbie.
Leave the faggy ties
at home, okay?
I'm fuckin' this cat.
You just hold the legs.
Got it?
See you never, flame sauce.
She put the MILF
in Milford High.
Now, she's behind bars!
Debbie Ward, a former
Texas Teacher of the Year...
...tried to rig
last year's contest
so her daughter could win.
Ow! Shit!
Yeah, she kidnapped
her daughter's main rival,
a Miss Bianca del Rio,
who I was shocked
to find out was a dude.
She basically
got our teacher fired
for just being gay!
That's when the notorious
New York homosexual
returned to Milford High as
the fabulous Bianca del Rio.
Now she don't even
look like a woman!
What kind of unnatural woman?!
He's biting me!
(Reporter) A snake attack
at a local high school.
Did her breast implants
save her life?
Then Miss del Rio
got her revenge,
and it was so good.
This is not true!
This is a conspiracy!
Vice Principal Deborah Ward
exposed as
the infamous Miss First.
Taker of underaged
male virginities.
Okay, you don't have to push me.
That tampering Texas temptress,
Debbie Ward,
maintains her innocence.
And to this day insists that
Bianca del Rio, not she... the one who should be
locked up in the County Jail.
Lock her up!
Lock her up!
Rise and shine, bitch!
What are you doin' here?
You wanted me punished?
Well, here I am.
Who'd have thought
they'd make us cellmates.
Life's pretty fucked up,
isn't it?
This can't be happenin'.
We're gonna be prison pals.
We're gonna eat together.
We're gonna sleep
in the same cell.
We're gonna watch
each other on the toilet.
Help! Someone get me
out of here!
We're gonna be together
a long time, you and I.
No hard feelings, Debbie.
I might even
give you a makeover.
You'd look really pretty bald.
Now, make sure
no one's coming,
cause I've got to take
a huge dump,
and boy is it is gonna stink!
[screaming loudly]
One more night terror
for the road, I guess.
Lucky you.
Now get up.
Time for your release.
Take a seat.
We just have some forms
for you to fill out and, uh,
a little somethin' special
before you go.
I just want to thank you.
This whole experience has
been a revelation for me.
I'm a new woman.
Sure you are.
You know I was worried that
bein' in solitary for so long
that you might have missed out
on some of the pleasures
that prison life has to offer.
Oh, but I didn't.
That first night in solitary,
with the cockroaches
crawling around my ears,
I didn't think
I was gonna make it.
But then, I saw him.
Saw who?
My Lord and Savior,
Jesus Christ.
I smashed a cockroach up against
the wall with my bare hands
and there he was
in the goo, the face of Jesus!
And right then,
I knew I was born again.
Okay, I don't think
that's a thing.
Oh, it is.
I baptized myself in
the toilet just to be sure.
And now that I'm gettin' out,
I'm gonna do the work
God intended me to do.
Charity shit or somethin'?
I'm gonna kill Bianca del Rio!
Excuse me?
With kindness.
I'm gonna kill her
with Christian kindness.
That's one crazy bitch.
She can't even spell.
Look at this shit.
[thunder rumbling]
Watch out, Bianca del Rio.
[smacks lips]
I'm comin' for ya!
Isn't anyone gonna pick me up?
Ow! No!
[maniacal laughter]
[school bell ringing]
No, no, Melanie.
I'm pretty sure
that the Earth is round.
- Hey, Mr. Martinez?
- Uh, yeah.
Can you tell me
about Sputnik again?
Oh, look at you,
taking interest in class.
Isn't Sputnik
Russian for potato?
Well, actually, Sputnik was
launched in 1957.
You remember that year...
That was the year that your
grandmother slept with her uncle
and gave birth
to your dad-cousin.
[all laughing]
- Bye, Mr. Martinez.
- Bye, kids.
Listen, make sure you get
those term papers done.
They are due in a week.
And I know you potheads
don't want to spend
your spring break
doing homework.
Surprise, bitch!
Oh! Oh, ho-ho!
What are you doing here?
And Rex.
Ooh... Ooh...
Where is Bailey?
Oh, honey, I left Bailey
kenneled up in New York City.
She's fine.
But Rex here
is a helpless baby person
and she couldn't be
left alone, so tada!
[loudly] Hello, Rex.
How was rehab?
This bar looks closed.
That's cause it's
a high school, baby.
You expect Rex to know
what a high school is?
He was educated
in a Barbie Dream House.
When you pull the string,
the elevator goes up.
Ooh, Science 101.
Oh, Mama, it's gotten worse.
I asked her for directions
on the way here.
She pointed at the windshield
and said...
We're going that way.
Well, I'm glad to see
not much has changed.
Especially not in this
small-ass Texas town.
Bitch, it still looks like 1865.
Why are you still here?
Well, someone has to
teach these inbred twats
that the world is older
than those pants.
Really, girl?
Navy blue capri-length
at your age?
My age?
You have been gone from
New York City for a while.
These came back.
This bar looks dead
and I finished my drink.
Wait a minute. Have you
been drinking lighter fluid?
I'm hoping that's just
alcohol in a flask
because she downed the last
of my Xanax with that shit.
Thought they were Mentos.
The fresh maker.
She should be dead, right?
Years ago.
Come on. Let's give you
a ride to your place.
Come on, girl,
I got my car back!
- Did you get your license back?
- Well, technically, no.
Oh, come on, Rex baby.
Put her in back. Baby seat.
I think the lesson is:
make sure your husband's penis
isn't inside the sink drain
before you turn on
the garbage disposal.
Thanks for the tip!
And later in the show
we've got Marsha Marshall,
who is gonna show us
ten different ways
to decorate your cat for Easter.
But first, back in the news,
in the headlines, Russia.
Vladimir Putin has assigned
a new Prime Minister of
Homosexual Propaganda,
Svetslap Zlopa
Svetlana Zlopasnost.
Oh! Well, there you go.
That is a mouthful.
She looks like fun at a party.
Unless your party is gay,
because those are illegal!
That's right,
you Russian queers.
Don't even think about
decorating your cat for Easter.
You might land in jail.
Does Russia
even celebrate Easter?
Other countries
are just so weird.
[TV audio]
Oh, don't talk bad about Russia
They might hack your emails.
Mama, you're back!
What happened?
They released me.
No one was there to pick me
up, so I had to walk home.
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
It's okay.
Walk did me good.
Gave me time to clear my head
and to think.
I came up with six new ways
to get Bianca del Rio fired
and out of our lives.
All I need is a t-shirt cannon
and four live raccoons.
Mama, you need to forget her.
After the trial
and all that publicity,
there's nothing the district
can do to get rid of her.
It's over.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not gonna let
Bianca del Rio win.
- Uh-uh!
- Well, we need money.
We're two payments behind
on the mortgage.
repossessed the recliner.
And remember
how my boobs popped?
Of course.
The doctors says if I can't
get on next season of Botched"
it's gonna be $10,000
for reconstructive surgery.
That's if I want them
the same size.
- As before?
- As each other!
Mama, we are broke.
These little schemes of yours
just make things worse.
Is this what you want?
A world where freaks
and homosexuals
get to do whatever they desire?
I did not pray to
President Trump every morning
to turn this country into
a big transgender toilet.
How are we gonna
make America great again
with Bianca del Rio still in it?
Where's my chair?
It's okay, Mama.
We're gonna get you a job
and we're gonna get back
on our feet again,
get me back into a bra again.
Oh, prison was so hard!
Carly, you don't even know!
I'd eat soup with a spork.
Our Christmas eggnog
was spiked with Old Spice.
Gettin' revenge on Bianca
was the only thing
gettin' me through.
There, there, Mama.
What are you watchin'?
Texas Today.
I never miss a show.
(TV) Some human rights
activists are mad
because in Russia
they can throw anyone
they even suspect of being gay
in jail without a trial.
Well, you know me.
- I don't hate the homosexuals.
- No.
Even after Roger burned my neck
with a curling iron last week -
and I still think
it was on purpose.
But, you know, you could
still be fired here
just for bein' gay.
But that doesn't mean
you have to be mad about it
and start waving your hands
in the air with a hot iron.
You should be grateful
for what you have.
Just because it's legal
to discriminate against anyone
at a bakery anytime, anywhere,
at least we're not
throwin' you in prison.
You think Texas is bad,
you should try to go
to Saudi Arabia, Roger!
It's worse than Russia.
They throw homosexuals
off buildings there.
My God, that is not fun
and it's very humid.
Nice dress, Deborah.
When Rent-A-Center
took your recliner,
I see they left you
with the fabric.
[maniacal laughter]
[maniacal laughter]
Maybe those terrorist Arabs
are onto something.
Ah, great.
Another episode of
"Little House on the Dreary."
Where does Ma Ingalls
keep her moonshine?
The alcohol's above the sink
in the kitchen.
Anything under the sink
is poison.
So help yourself to
whatever you want down there.
I cannot believe that you
brought Rex in effect here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I thought he needed
a change of scenery,
and he's not the only one.
Here you are.
You're still
at that same school,
still in this same
old raggedy-ass house.
Uh, girl, I moved.
Still in a new raggedy house,
still with those glasses.
And I know damn well that
Lasik has made it to Texas.
Baby, you know they'll take
any excuse they can
to shoot someone
in the face around here.
I am so glad that you drove
all the way from Fire Island
in a rented car
to criticize my life.
Me, too, sis.
Great catchin' up.
Okay, listen.
I'm fine here.
- Did ya get the raise?
- No.
Sleepin' with the hot coach?
- No!
- Then how is any of this fine?
And I'm not even talkin' about
those hideous-ass curtains.
- Ah...
- Listen.
Bianca made you sort of famous.
Well, gay famous,
which is like straight famous
except you don't make
as much money.
And in America, the only reason
to be famous is to -
say it with me now -
get laid and get paid.
Yeah. I read your shirt.
I made that shirt...
and this.
I make things.
I'm a maker...
the fresh maker.
[Rex gurgles]
Yeah... Uh, listen.
You need more Bianca
in your life.
No! Bianca is upstairs
in the closet where she belongs.
Nobody wants to see
anymore Bianca,
much less Bianca
teaching Chemistry.
Bianca does not
just have to teach.
Look, Ambrosia Salad's been
wearing that same ass-green wig
and same broken-down heels
since Stonewall,
and she's still making
the money, honey.
What is so wrong with me
being here teaching?
That's what I moved here to do.
- Well...
- There's a...
You know what!
Enough about me.
Okay... Better question.
Are you staying for dinner?
Yes or no? Because I've got
a box of wine
that isn't gonna drink itself.
A girl's night in?
You had me at box, bitch.
[both laughing]
Come on, girl.
Don't shit in my skillet!
Ooh, shit.
I made coffee.
What happened last night?
I can't remember anything.
This is vodka!
It's coffee-flavored.
You bitches put me
through it last night
and that is not helping.
- Oh, girl.
- Oh!
You're just out of practice,
that's all.
Yeah. It's as easy
as falling off a bike.
I never forget how.
We had fun...
and you let loose.
And we even got a little
Bianca del Rio up in there.
What? Oh! God.
I'm not sure this is progress.
I finally met the famous
Bianca del Rio.
And she's a lot more fun
than you, believe me.
Oh, shut up.
Hey, wh-
what's with the bags?
Under your eyes?
Just passin' through, honey.
Bye, girls.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Where are you going?
Where are you going?!!
I know you just didn't come
here for an intervention.
No, but I could have.
Now sister, listen.
What I say next to you,
I say with the light of
the sweet Baby Jesus.
Look at what you've become -
an elderly woman living alone
on a fixed income.
You make money, but you
never make enough to leave.
That's called Texas Holdem.
I think I have a deck
of cards in my ass.
Look, I'm from here.
I know how it is.
Pull Bianca
out of that genie bottle
and make your escape now.
Oh, great!
And just go back to New York
with the two of you?
Oh, not New York, honey.
I am going to Hollywood.
Well, technically,
Long Beach, but...
It's like Hollywood
but for lesbians and fat people.
I'm performing on a cruise ship.
Cruise ship? How are you gonna
take Rex on a cruise ship?
He can barely
stand up on dry land.
Oh, I'm not going.
I'm staying here with you.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
- No, no.
- Ah, yes.
No! You are not
leaving me with this thing!
Maybe the sweet Texas sun
has made your brain soft.
Rex is your problem;
Bailey is mine.
That's how this whole
Little Sisters, Big Messes
program works.
I have been gone
for over a year.
Rex is no longer my problem.
When you temporarily left,
you took your little goldfish,
but you left your
not-quite fish with me.
Now I've got bigger fish to fry,
so Rex is yours again.
(Rex) I'm fine.
I just need some electrolytes.
- No, no, no, no...
- Oh, yes...
Get out of my car!
You did not
bring him here before.
Why are you
bringing him here now?
Because before he had a man,
but since he swallowed
that bag of pennies, well...
Is this Red Bull or Gatorade?
That's antifreeze!
Get away from there!
Ha, ha! I told you
you'd be a good mom,
and not just because
of your hips.
Your life was empty.
I gave it purpose.
You're welcome, bitch.
- No, no, no, no.
- You're welcome!
- Do not do this to me.
- I'm goin', bitch.
Do not do this to me.
- Write me on the cruise.
- Stephen, this is not fair!
I hope you fall on
the propeller, you nasty bitch.
- No!
- Oh, yes!
I'll never let go, Jack.
Go fish!
I thought you were
nocturnal creatures.
Go on, get out of here!
Get out of here!
Keep your Bianca faces
away from me.
Look, Mama.
I'm pretty again.
Yeah. It looks like
you're smuggling
fenders across the border.
Don't worry, Carly.
You'll get your
real fake boobs soon.
I've got a plan.
A job plan, right?
Not an overly
complicated revenge plot.
Got bit by those raccoons,
by the way.
What's the worst place on Earth?
Texas in July?
Worse than Texas.
Bigger than Texas.
Stricter than Texas.
That's where vodka gets born.
And elections get stolen.
Who cares
when you're the winner!
An all-expense-paid,
first class ticket to Moscow.
This smells like a scam.
Don't look a gift whore
in the mouth,
because she probably has
jacked-up teeth. [giggles]
I mean, how did I win a contest
that I didn't even enter?
Because you didn't win.
Bianca won.
We're pleased to honor
the Teacher of the Year,
Bianca del Rio,
at the annual Alchemy and
Manufactory Exposition
and present her with
a cash prize of $100,000
paid in real American money.
Seems legit.
I guess this means
Bianca's coming back.
I was watchin'
that show you like,
and they were talkin' about
how they throw gays
off buildings in Saudi Arabia.
And I'm thinkin', How do I get
Bianca del Rio to Riyadh?
You can't throw someone
off a building, Mama.
I know. I mean they
barely let you drive there.
So then I'm thinkin', okay,
what's the next best
worst place there is.
Well, why would
Bianca del Rio go to Russia?
Easy. I sent her a letter sayin'
she won this teachin' award,
only she has to go
to Russia to get it.
Knowin' her, that's an offer
her ego can't refuse.
And once they get
a good look at her,
they'll know she's a queer-bait
drag-queen freak
and lock her up.
Right, so pack those fun bags!
We're goin' to Russia!
I can't just fly to Russia.
It's the middle
of the school year.
How drunk are you?
I'm completely sober.
This is my one hour chip.
I'm full.
And you can't go either.
You said that you just
got that job off your app.
I did!
Last night in the park.
I know you think
I don't work hard,
but I'll work two jobs
at once if I have to,
or if one of them is really hot.
Remember when I told you
that when you talk
it makes people sad?
What have you got to lose?
Call the number on the letter.
If it's legit,
free trip to Russia -
and all that money!
Well, the expo is
during spring break,
and $100,000
is a lot of money.
And as much as I hate
to admit it, Stephen was right.
There's absolutely nothing
keeping me here in Texas.
Less than nothing.
Okay, fine.
Dasvidaniya, Texas!
Bianca del Rio's
goin' to Russia!
[both laughing, cheering]
I can't wait
to see Bianca in action.
No, no, no.
You're not coming with me.
I'm sure there's some long-term
kennel I can put you in.
You owe me.
You left New York, and I
didn't even get to say goodbye.
Bitch, you were in the ICU.
Oh, yeah.
That was a fun party.
Well, if I can't go to Russia,
I guess I'll just stay here,
Hey, you don't need your
cleaning deposit back, do you?
Okay. Put it down.
Fine, fine, fine.
Bianca and Rex
are going to Russia.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
And listen.
We are going as friends.
Don't get handsy,
cause if you do,
I'm gonna throw you
in the dumpster,
like the one you were
born in on prom night.
I- I-I just need to check in
with the CDC before I go.
They always like to know
where I am.
And now I have to
take a Silkwood Shower.
It's gross.
So how does
sending Bianca to Russia
get us out of debt
and me in a bigger bra?
First, we go to Russia.
Then, we watch the Minister of
Homosexual Propaganda
put Bianca in jail forever.
Next, we get your boobs fixed
dirt cheap in Moscow.
That whole country's like
one giant Dollar Store.
Then, with Bianca
out of the picture,
I'd get my old job back
at the school.
I mean it's lose, win-win-win.
Wait. If we can't even
afford a recliner,
how are we gonna afford
to get to Russia?
Well, I may have had myself
declared legally dead
and collected
the insurance money
by pretendin' to be
my imaginary twin sister.
But we'll sort all that out
when we get back...
from Russia!
Do you have any more wig glue?
I'm out.
I told you
not to huff that stuff.
You barely have
a two-digit IQ as it is.
I use it for
legitimate purposes.
I've been downloading a lot
of apps on my phone -
translators, local restaurant
guides, both hookup apps.
Apparently there's a lot
of bears in Russia
that are lesbians.
Where do you think
you're going dressed like that?
How are you gonna
get through airport security?
Okay, I'll change, but I don't
want to miss our 9:00 flight.
Yeah, 9... 9 PM!
At night!
On Saturday!
It's Wednesday, you dink.
Now listen. I've got two more
days at the high school
before we're outta here.
Do not swallow a jar-full
of pennies while I'm gone.
That only happened once.
[ship horn blows]
Mama, why does Bianca
get to fly first class to Russia
and we're stuck hidin'
in this shipping container?
I had to be sure
Bianca took the bait.
Also, now that
I'm legally dead,
I technically don't have
a passport anymore.
Why's your bag movin'?
Oh, I brought one of
the raccoons along
in case we need it.
Or if we get hungry...
It's gonna be a long trip.
- Old Spice?
- No.
[raccoon chatters]
I'm convinced that
the movie Psycho
was filmed in that bathroom.
Oh, thank God.
The only thing that would
make this room worse
is havin' to
share a bed with you.
You should be so lucky.
You know this place
is really, really gross.
It makes Motel 6 look high-end.
No wonder Tolstoy
was so depressing.
Remember in Tolstoy Three
when they were
all holding hands
in the furnace?
I didn't know a cartoon
could wreck my shit like that.
You should talk less
and maybe read more.
At least the room comes with
a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yeah, well, we could
use that as disinfectant.
I can see Alaska from my room!
I don't think so.
Yeah, well luckily, we're not
gonna have to be here long,
just a few days.
Well, we got to soak up
some local color.
Oh, God.
I want to go down to the Expo
and let them know that I'm here.
House Hunters!
I love this show.
[TV, with Russian accent]
I like house number one.
The open-concept kitchen
had good flow between
the living room and bedroom
because no interior walls.
But we'd have to draw water
from the well out back
since it didn't have
indoor plumbing.
Neither did house number three.
The crumbling living room walls
let in a lot of natural light,
which we need because someone
stripped the copper wiring.
Th-that desperate hovel
was great,
but I-I-I don't like a wall
with so many nails in it.
We aren't royalty.
I liked house number two.
It's in our price range.
But on the small side
and a little too close
to Chernobyl.
Yes, but the interior walls and
the updated bathroom sold me.
I think house number two.
Our nice, young heterosexual
couple chose correctly.
The second house
with its modern dcor,
functioning appliances
and a tasteful use
of rich colors,
obviously the work of a deviant
homosexual who must be punished!
"House Hunters"
has gone downhill
since they got rid of
Suzanne Whang.
That's not House Hunters.
That's Homo Hunters.
And look!
It's that Svetlana -
that Russian bitch.
She's the Minister of
Homosexual Propaganda.
She's the one that
puts all the gays in prison.
For making her wear that jacket?
No, asshole, for being gay!
Russia has very strict laws,
which is why it's very important
for you to be inconspicuous.
Do you know
what that word means?
Inconspicuous is my middle name.
I have mean parents.
Hey, girls!
So much for being inconspicuous!
What? I don't want people
to know we're at a science fair.
All we have to do
is find the coordinator
and let them know that
Bianca will be here tomorrow
to collect the check,
and then we're out of here.
Siri. How do you say
hot nerd in Russian?
(phone) I am not Siri,
you capitalist pig.
- See.
- Just look around.
You don't need an app for that.
My boredom is zero feet away.
[indistinct chatter]
[Russian accent] To light bulb,
we cut potato in half.
Find two coins
if you can spare them,
two nails
from house next door,
and a little bit
of copper wire.
Now, copper wire is easy
to fetch from the neighbor,
because once you take the two
nails the house falls down.
He's cute.
When we get back to the hotel,
remind me to go
down to the basement
and find your standards.
Standards? Coming from you?
You're the one that found
the sex offender registry
and thought it was
a dating site.
Add all these materials
together to the potato
and we are making electricity.
Any questions?
When do we eat potato?
How many share
in one-half potato?
Whole family?
Potatoes for making electricity.
Not for eating.
[all sigh]
Hi. I-I'm Richard Martinez,
and I'm a science teacher
from America and...
...and this is my friend Rex,
and we've come here
for the, uh, science expo.
Short for Dmitriy.
Mitya, nice to meet ya'.
Oh, look!
Anything else.
We can get lunch soon, Mama.
That raccoon
wasn't very filling.
Yeah, yeah.
I just got to find Bianca
and then get the police
to rush in here and arrest her.
It will be glorious!
Why did the Russian hooker
pee on the mattress?
Cause she thought
it was you, Deborah!
Fake news!
Hasta la pavement, bitch!
[laughs maniacally]
She's dressed as Richard?!
How am I gonna
get the police to arrest her
if she's just a
run-of-the-mill gay burger
without the flame sauce
and extra cheese?
Mmm, cheese...
You're makin' me hungry.
Come on.
Let's go back to the hotel.
I know how to
get rid of her there.
America is a long way to come
just for a little Alchemy Expo.
Well, I'm...
I mean, a friend of mine
is getting a prize.
So I only came here tonight to,
uh, meet up with the organizer.
Ah, Sacha is gone already,
but will be back tomorrow.
Will, um, you be here tomorrow?
I see you then?
- Okay.
- Okay.
See you then.
- Da.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ya.
- See you then.
Please don't die.
All I'm sayin' is
keep it in your panties.
Russia's already dangerous
enough for the both of us
without you making
a spectacle of yourself.
Oh, don't come for me.
I saw you over there with
the queen of the nerd herd.
God, your meet cute
was so pathetic,
if I still had the gag reflex
I'd barf.
Mitya was the only interesting
person at that place.
And really,
is that what they call
a science fair here in Russia?
Pretty flimsy for a country
that hacked elections.
Exactly! Which doesn't explain
how they could afford
those plane tickets
and the $100,000 prize.
You always overthink everything.
You know what...
You always
under-think everything.
You see?
You see what you did there?
You and Stephen always say
that we're friends,
but you talk about me like I'm
your nephew with Alzheimer's.
All I'm saying is that
you should trust me more.
Why don't you just relax
and enjoy all that Russia
has to offer?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Relax. Enjoy...
[gasps] Oh!!!
[Russian accent]
Is this your room?
Uh, ye-yeah.
What seems to be
the trouble, officer?
Whose suitcase is this?
- Oh...
- Bianca.
Is Bianca flaming drag queen
or degenerate homosexual?
Actually, Bianca was gonna take,
uh, these clothes and... wigs
to her mother's to cheer her up
because, uh, she's really sick.
[feigns cough]
Hey, hey, hey.
I- I-I ju-had, just...
Oh, great. Great.
[car doors slam]
So far, your plan of relaxing
and waiting to see
what Russia has in store for us
really worked out great.
Didn't it?
Now what are we gonna do?
Now that the police have
confiscated all of our drag!
I went through your bag.
Most of it was from
an outlet mall anyway.
There was 50 cents in my purse.
We'll replace the rest
when we go home.
They're expecting Bianca del Rio
tomorrow at the expo.
But how is Bianca gonna go there
and collect $100,000 check
when Bianca's being
hauled away in a bag?!
You can use my outfit.
You can have my wig.
We'll let this dress out
in the back... A lot.
And nobody will know any better.
Well, that's not gonna work
because they've probably already
seen pictures of me
on the internet.
They barely have electricity.
You've seen your boyfriend
and his potato.
It's pathetic.
Bianca has brown hair,
and that dress of yours
is a walking
bacterial test strip!
What we need to do
is find somebody
in this country that has drag.
We can create a new Bianca.
I can go in, collect the check,
and get the hell out of here!
Because the longer we stay here,
the bigger chance we have
of somebody giving us a one-way
ticket to a Siberian hell hole!
You're so dramatic.
Fine. I'll ask some guys
on this app
if there is a gay bar
around here.
I'm sure there's
a tragic drag show.
There always is.
We'll steal some looks,
collect that check,
and head back to Texas.
[feigns gagging]
What do you know!
I guess I do have
some gag reflex left.
I'm full of surprises.
Mama, you'll never guess
what I got.
Stop scratchin'
or it won't heal right.
It's not gonna heal right
until that doctor fixes me.
We've been in Moscow two hours
and Bianca isn't in jail yet.
What kind of country is this?
We called the police
and reported
a room-full of flaming
drag queens and homosexuals.
What more can we do?
Can we please get some
lunch and find that doctor?
We'll get some food on the way.
Those queer burgers found
a gay bar they're goin' to.
This could be our big break.
Mm... Burgers.
But first...
we'll need a disguise.
Where are we?
I don't know.
We're in Russia.
It smells like desperation.
We must be close.
[knocks on door]
Spread my wings and fly...
Gonna tell on nobody
Gonna tell on nobody
Gonna tell on nobody
She's an undercover
Gonna tell on nobody
[Russian accent]
Welcome to Club Katya.
I am your hostess, Katya.
Hello, Katya.
This is my friend Rex,
and my name is Richard.
Ah, yes.
Nice to meet ya!
[chuckling nervously]
Uh, I was wondering, Katya,
if you could help us out.
I'm looking for some drag.
Oh, perfect.
This is Gorky Park.
She is one of our
very best drag.
Huge, enormous talent!
And that is no fat joke.
She's an uncover girl...
Girl, girl...
And she's gonna
save the world
She's an undercover girl
I'm actually looking
for some drag, as-
as in clothing,
for myself.
It's a really long story.
Well, long story
made bearable by vodka.
Come this way.
What kind of a plastic surgeon
has an office in an alley?
This is not as comfortable
as I thought.
Focus up.
Bianca del Rio's in there.
I need you to go in there
and come back out
with a full report.
If we're lucky, police will
round up the whole fruit basket.
When I have a student,
they get class and sass.
When Deborah has a student,
they get wrinkly old ass.
Class dismissed!
Now go! Go!
But, Mama...
Oh, and watch out
for that eye hole.
They say they're not interested
in your lady business.
With these foreign perverts,
you never know.
You got this.
[door squeaks]
So let me understand...
You are found out to be
gay teacher and then fired.
Uh, yeah.
Okay, and then sent to prison?
No, no, no.
I actually went back to school
in drag as Bianca del Rio.
Oh. So you are
found out in drag
and then sent to prison?
No, no.
I'm still teaching there.
The person that fired me
is the one who's in jail.
This Texas, it must
be magical place.
What's the winter like?
Bitter and haunting?
Uh, no, not haunting.
It's just pretty average.
Oh! Let us drink to Texas,
the magical kingdom of paradise.
You know, I never
thought about it that way,
but Texas doesn't even
sound that bad
compared to Russia after all.
When I think of the sad times
here in Russia, I say to myself,
Katya. At least you're not
living in Saudi Arabia.
They have
the killings, of course,
but think of desert drag.
Sand up your tuck?
It's disgusting.
Well, look at the bright side.
You could probably make a pearl.
I could have pearl necklace?
You know, I'm-I'm-
I'm just curious.
It's like, why are
all these posters up
of this Svetlana bitch?
Uck! The queens here
are obsessed with her.
But isn't she the one
who hates all the gays?
Yes, but not always so.
She was at one time Moscow's
biggest, how you say like, um,
stick witch.
- Fag hag?
- Da!
It was the classic tale.
Woman love gays.
Gays love woman.
Woman turns her hair red.
Gays talk shit at brunch.
Woman becomes Minister
of Homosexual Propaganda,
sends all her gay friends
to the Siberian work camp.
Woo! That must have
been some brunch.
No, it was an awful brunch.
One egg and piece of toast
for a party of twelve.
There is nothing worse
than a hungry queen.
Gorky Park was one of them.
She was the only survivor.
What happened to everyone else?
She ate them.
Look at that fat fucking bitch.
How else would you
survive winter in Siberia?
Anyways, I'm sorry
I become emotional.
Let me ask you.
Who is this weird guy
you are hanging out with?
He is boyfriend?
Oh, with Rex?
Oh, God,
that's not my boyfriend.
He's somewhere around here.
He was whistling
at some guy earlier.
Oh, that's him right
there by the bathroom.
I don't suck dick,
but I'll put it in my mouth
till the swelling goes down.
[giggles, then sighs]
I arrest you.
Oh yes, daddy!
Oh, wait.
You're serious.
You, too, tranny.
Get your hands off of me.
Oh, no!
Secret police!
I'm not one of them!
Hold that thought.
[siren blaring]
Oh, no!
The paddy wagon!
[inaudible chatter]
[bike bell rings]
Wait! Wait!
[crowd yelling, screaming]
This whole trip -
I should have known
you were behind it!
Eat trash, sissy pants!
Aw, fuck!
Ahhh! Hey!
[both yelling]
Son of a bitch!
[laughing victoriously]
[breathing heavily]
So-so what'd you do
to get out of jail, Deborah?
Did ya have sex with the warden?
I know that he's your uncle.
Oh, save your insults,
Bianca del Richard,
cause now I'm the one
holdin' the cat
and you're the one
fuckin' his legs.
Wait. Hold on.
How tight
are your Spanx, Deborah?
Is it cuttin' off the
circulation to your brain?
I mean,
what have you done here?
I finally got revenge
on Miss Bianca del Rio!
Really queen, revenge?
I'm the one standing here
and your daughter's being
hauled away to jail.
Yeah, technically that wasn't
part of the plan.
Yeah, and...
now we've lost them.
Well, I got you!
Wait, hold up.
I don't know the way
back to the hotel.
Wait for me.
[chattering back and forth]
Do you have any idea
how dangerous Russia is?
We should not have
come here in the first place.
No! You never
shoulda come to Texas.
You brought this on
yourself, gay boy.
All I wanted to do was teach.
You were the one
who shoulda been
minding your own
fucking business.
You queers shouldn't
be around children.
Funny coming from you.
Aren't you the one who
got caught having sex
with a high school student,
Miss First?!
He looked legal -
from the waist down.
You're just jealous.
The only person endangering
a child around here is you.
Where's your daughter Carly?
In jail?
She knew there
might be sacrifices.
Besides, it was worth it
seein' that hooker friend
of yours locked up.
She prefers whore.
Oh yeah?
Well, you're next, flame sauce.
You better watch yourself.
Where are you going?
Oh, I got the room next door.
Got a special rate.
[phone buzzing]
This bitch.
Perfect timing.
Sorry to interrupt nothing.
Rex wasn't answering his phone.
Where is he?
Another Netflix and chill?
Hulu and hump?
Amazon and anal?
We're in Russia.
Rex is in a Gulag.
Come on, girl.
Who's Gulag?
It's a Russian prison.
They've taken Rex,
they've taken my Bianca drag,
and I'm in some
hideous hotel with Deborah.
She set me up, again.
Well, I guess now is
not the best time to tell you
that I'm not really
on a cruise ship, girl.
I'm a contestant on
RuPaul's Drag Race.
Well, if you're calling already
I guess we're both
not getting $100,000.
Sister, how dare you say that!
Do you know what I've been
goin' through over here, girl?
Save it,
Martin Luther Queen.
I'm in a jam here.
I've got to find a way
to get Rex out of prison
and get us back to America.
And drag alone
ain't gonna fix it.
Bianca del Rio solved
your Deborah problem before.
Now I know she can do it again.
Listen, if drag can fix
a face like yours...
Uh, I'm hanging up now.
- Nice try, Bitch.
- Thanks, girl.
Did you see it, girl?
They pulled a pag. Woo!
It's all right.
There's always All Stars.
You know you're not
supposed to be on your phone.
Listen, I need your help
pullin' together some new looks.
It's an emergency.
That's what I told you
on the runway, fag.
Now get!
Bunny, reach up into that
Moroccan bizarre up on your head
and pull me out a #12
brunette wig now.
Does anyone else around here
hear an irritating screeching
voice that just won't quit!
We have to help Bianca del Rio.
Oh, the one whose face
looks like a smashed-in piata?
I cannot believe you
would say something like...
- But!
- Yes, ma'am.
Anything to shut you up.
Just reach into the left,
passed the gerbil cage,
which is open.
Oh! I think I found
Natalee Holloway.
I know that you're following me.
[with Russian accent]
Is not me. Is bowl of borscht!
Fresh meat.
More like day-old bread back.
Someone smells fishy...
Too fishy.
They think I'm one of you.
If by one of you, you mean
a blond slut, then yes.
Yes, ya are.
The guard called me a tranny.
He said I had a meaty tuck.
I know you. You're the girl
from Richard's school.
Your mother's insane and
a snake bit your boobs off.
Did we meet back in Texas?
Oh, no. Stephen made
a picture book
for me to read on the way
so I would know
who all the players are,
and he did not
do you justice, girl.
[giggles] What are they
gonna do to us in here?
Keep us here forever,
if they want.
That's not fair.
Welcome to my world,
which now that they think you're
one of us is your world, too.
That's how it is.
Fire us, imprison us,
don't text us back -
whatever they want.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
it would be like this.
Oh, you're from Texas.
I'm sure there's a lot
you don't know.
I'm Vickie Leaks.
I run this joint.
What are you in for, fish stick?
That dress?
No, for cutting hog-bodied
queens who wear Jaclyn Smith
and try to start
what they can't finish.
Honey, Rampage is a brand,
not a way of life.
Don't take it out on me because
you aged out of Wet Seal.
I've got a knife up in my wig.
Let's dance, bitch.
Simmer down, Hot Topic!
I'm just taking
your temperature.
Thanks for that.
Do you really have
a knife in your wig?
An emery board and lipstick.
I'm Carly, by the way.
I'm Rex...
And don't worry about her.
She's just testing you.
The first night it's all about
trying to see how tough you are.
Anyone tries to mess with you,
you just mess right back.
Hopefully, my mom will be
here soon to get me out.
The same mother
who tried to use you
to exact her revenge
on someone else?
You're not her accomplice;
you're her victim.
You think so?
I can speak for many a queen
when I say
you cannot let a bad mother
keep in the way
of you being fabulous.
You've got a cute face
and legs, legs, legs.
I've spent my whole life
hatin' homosexuals,
but you're really nice.
Oh, no, girlie.
I'm mean as hell.
You're just seeing me as a
real person for the first time.
That's all we are.
We're all just people.
Except that bitch.
I don't know what she is.
You wanna play Go Fishy?
Did you smuggle that
deck of cards in your wig, too?
The cavity search
wasn't very thorough...
[crashing sound]
I'm no Jessica Fletcher,
but I know
when I'm being followed!
Come on out, Deborah.
How'd you know it was me?
I have eyes.
Yeah, four eyes!
[both laughing facetiously]
Look, Deborah,
I'm gonna temporarily ignore
your psychotic blend
of down-home homophobia
and lack of southern charm.
Considering we both have
two people that
we care about in prison,
I think it's best that we work
together to get them out.
You would do that?
Yes, I would do that.
And I hate you.
I'm sorry.
Hate is a strong word.
What I meant to say
was I really hate you.
You don't get to hate me!
I get to hate you.
I'm a good person.
I follow the teachin's
of the Bible!
Shh!!! Shut up!
They'll hear you.
What? Are the police
still around?
No, the rats.
Their screech is like
a God damn mating call.
Come. Let's go inside.
I really wish I had on
a horrible dress
so I could talk to you
hag to hag.
I'd call you a
see you next Tuesday,
but that would imply I ever
want to see you again.
Just say cunt, Deborah.
We're in Russia.
Nobody knows what it means.
No, we have cunt here.
Is woman.
Woman like her, small.
Not big in hips,
but huge vagina.
Katya, this is Deborah,
the one I was telling you about.
The wicked witch
of the Western Hemisphere!
Oh, fuck you!
I am a good Christian,
just like my president.
And I came to this
Godless nation of yours -
it smells like a burnt cat -
to try to seek justice!
Nyet. You are obviously selfish,
vindictive cunt, but no matter.
Look at this place.
It's destroyed!
They took everything, everyone.
I barely escaped with my life
and just a little bit of money.
You know what!
Rex never turns off
his hookup apps.
He will no doubt be held
under Kremlin in secret prison
operated by the fabulous
Miss Svetlana Zlopasnost.
You think you could
get us inside?
Maybe hack into the mainframe?
I wish, but I've maxed out
on sexual favors
already this fiscal quarter.
Not work.
Then what are we gonna do?
There is a secret program
where local prostitutes
try to convert queers
into straight,
but even as Russian whores,
you two would be a stretch. No.
Well, maybe you can
get us some disguises.
We have to find our way inside.
We could make visit
as relatives.
Simple quick
hello and goodbye.
It might work,
but we have to go now.
Gorky Park is there.
It is way past her feeding time.
Let's hurry!
Come on, Debbie!
Make fast.
Secret police everywhere.
No one's gonna believe
these disguises.
I've never felt so pretty.
Eh... All Russian women
look like man.
Who can tell difference?
Now, we're just
relatives visiting, sisters.
Now go to door on right.
They let you in.
Wait, wait, wait.
You're not coming with us?
No. Is too dangerous for Katya.
If I don't get to see you,
it was nice to meet you...
and good luck...
You'll need it.
Wait, I...
Come on.
When we get inside,
I'm gonna get
all the information
from Carly that I can.
Yeah, funny coming from you.
You don't even know
the difference between
french bread and a french braid!
I'll take care of it.
You fell for this entire scam.
You thought you
were gettin' prize money
for a science fair
in Russia. [chuckles]
I mean suck it, fag lady!
I won!
Can you please keep it down?!
Here come those horny rats!
Go, go!
Category is...
prison drag realness.
This look doesn't
Jail House Rock
so much as give me
Folsom Prison Blues.
Oh, it's not that bad.
Maybe a little tight.
She should get ten to life
for murdering those seams.
(Russian guard)
Okay, playtime is over.
Back inside.
You have visitor.
You, too, tranny.
I'm obviously in
the middle of something.
Who is it?
It's mean woman with fat ass.
Oh, that's Bianca.
I don't know her.
I can see you.
(Guard) Nyet!
No touch!
I wouldn't touch her.
She's like a vending machine
full of STDs.
How did you get in here?
Well, obviously, I told them
I was your much younger sister.
They're stupid, not blind.
Anyway, where is your
whole Bianca del Rio?
This is not
what I was expecting.
Don't you remember?
They took Bianca.
She is gone.
Everything you need
is in the suitcase.
You worry too much.
This place is much nicer
than our hotel, by the way.
At least here has room service.
And what are you gonna do
if they send you to Siberia
and make you eat
someone to stay alive?
Is he hot?
How you holdin' up, Carly?
Well, I'd be a lot better
if I wasn't
stuck in a Russian prison,
thanks to you.
We've got to beat those queers!
You know how important it is.
All you think about is Bianca.
You don't even care
what happens to me.
Maybe those homos
aren't so bad, Mama.
I mean when Jacklyn Smith
tried to stab me,
Rex is the one
that protected me -
a lot more than you ever did.
That fruit fly?
Yeah. I think
you're wrong about them.
Nah. You don't mean that.
It's got to be
the Old Spice talkin'.
Listen. I don't
want you to worry,
but we are trying
to work on a plan
to get you out of here.
I'm not worried.
I've made this prison my bitch.
All the queens
work for me now,
and that hot guard
feeds me three times a day.
He brings you food?
Not exactly.
Now, Bianca and I are gonna get
you both out of here together,
but I got a plan of my own.
Another plan, Mama?
Yeah. Bianca thinks
I'm gonna help her,
but once you're free,
I'm gonna expose her
for what she is, and bam!
She's gone!
You would do that
after she helps get me out?
It's what we came here for.
I'm not leaving Russia till
Bianca's locked up forever.
Listen. There's got to be
another way to get in here.
Do you think I could pass
as one of those guards?
Origami is straighter than you.
The only other option
is actually
better suited for you
than it is for me.
Oh, you mean the hookers!
Yeah. We have straight
conversion therapy tomorrow.
I'm gonna have sex with a
gross Russian skank for science.
I can't wait
to spank that bitch. [giggles]
(Guard) No touch!
That's not what
you said last night.
Time is up.
- Bye, Sis.
- Bye.
These disguises barely got us
to the door as family.
No one's ever gonna believe
that we're hookers,
not even here in Russia.
We can't just
leave Carly in there.
Prison's doin'
terrible things to her.
She's not strong like I am.
I know. You can pull a cart.
Okay. Insult me all you want,
but I got to get
my daughter back.
Okay, fine.
I will work out a plan
to get Rex and your atrocious
offspring out of prison.
If you had
that wig on right now,
I'd snatch it
right off your head.
Yeah, that's the
difference between us.
I'd just snatch out your
own hair from the root.
- Ya hungry?
- I could eat.
That glue-sniffin' dummy
is gonna end up in Siberia...
If Gorky doesn't eat him first.
Well, at last he's gettin' laid.
Oh, look.
It's me in a faggy tie.
Bianca del Rio,
what are you doing here?
This is your
'come to Jesus' moment, Richard,
but Jesus was busy,
so you got me.
But how am I gonna
get Rex out of prison?
Rex can take care of himself.
You baby him too much.
He is literally an adult baby.
Anything he can grab, he sticks
up his nose or in his mouth.
Or ass.
Rex is a lot like wig glue,
more versatile than you think.
It has a lot of uses
if you put your mind to it.
But how am I gonna
get him out of that prison?
Find me.
Your way in is your way out.
Eating Chinese food
late at night is a big mistake.
Now I'm dreamin'
in fortune cookie.
How is Rex like a
vending machine full of STDs?
Cause when you put
three quarters in, you get one.
Get out of my head.
[laughs, nonsensical babbling]
Dream over.
I come up with my
best insults while sleeping.
Wig glue.
[knock on door]
[knocking continues]
[woman grunting, groaning]
International overnight delivery
for Richard Martinez, huh?
Um, wh...?
Hey, hey! Wha...?
[speaks Russian], bitch!
[squeals, laughs]
What the hell does that mean?
I think it's halleloo
in Russian.
- Yes!
- I have a better question.
What the hell
are you doing in a box?
Honey, airfare is expensive
and, you know,
some of us didn't win
RuPaul's Drag Race.
Ooh, the girls are hateful.
You'll see.
I don't watch
reality television.
Well, it turns out that
that Frontline episode
on human trafficking
is a lot more informative
than I think
it was meant to be.
Well, I'm not sure
if that's good or bad.
Whoa, baby, with me, it's
always a good thing because...
say hello to my little friend.
[both screaming, laughing]
I love you.
You old bitch.
Old? Honey, you must be
talkin' to that wig,
because you know there are
at least ten years
between me and you.
Well, let me tell you this -
Rex is gonna have ten years in
prison if we don't get him out,
but I think I have a plan.
Do you have a plan
to get me out of this box?
- Come on, girl. Just lean...
- Bitch, I know.
Honey, the overage charges
for the weight.
They tried to say I was
150 pounds, bitch.
Ooh! You look fabulous!
See, I told you...
Bianca will fix everything.
Oh, girl, it's just drag,
not a cure for herpes.
No, honey, if you want
a cure for herpes,
you leave Rex up in
that solitary confinement.
[both laughing]
You know, there's only
one more thing we need...
Oh, Deborah!
Bianca del Rio...
as I live and breathe.
Yeah, we'll fix that later.
We've got lots
of work to do...
on you.
[smacks lips]
I've been waitin' a long time
for this makeover.
How do I look?
Well, when I said I wanted
to rearrange your face,
this is not what I had in mind.
My feet are killin' me.
How do you fruits walk
in these heels anyway?
A lifetime of
pain and sufferin'.
Hi. You must be Sacha.
I'm Bianca del Rio.
[Russian accent]
You're a fancy prostitute?
I have no money,
not even for the short one.
Uh, no.
We're actually here
looking for my friend Mitya.
He was here yesterday,
and I do believe
that's his potato.
Not here.
At government job.
Today, I watch potato!
What's the big deal
with the potato?
There is line for potato.
Hey, calm down, Potato Lady!
Um, Bianca's her pimp.
We need chemicals.
This is a science fair,
isn't it?
There's got to be
some place around here
we can buy or steal supplies
to make a chemical reaction.
If you need work, I am also,
how you say, uh, pimp.
These girls over here,
not my best.
But prison not so picky.
[paper tearing]
This place might have
what you look for.
Thank you.
Come on, girls.
We've got some shopping to do.
We've got some shit to blow up.
The secret prison
is under the Kremlin.
We only saw the visitor center
in the front,
which means the prisoners
are in the back.
Okay, this is a crazy plan,
even for you.
Oh, shut up.
Now you, you've got to
pass these around
and wait for my signal.
I'm not sure if it's enough
to put the Kremlin in orbit,
but it definitely
will crack a few walls.
Now hold up now.
This is not gonna
go off in my hand, right?
No! It's stable
until you use the detonator.
You did bring the detonator?
- It's in my wig.
- Good.
Wait a minute, though.
So they're supposed to
hire ya'll hookers
to seduce the gays?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, what are you gonna do
if they try to make you
have sex with Rex?
I'm totally gonna bite down on
the cyanide capsule in my molar.
You guys, look.
We're totally like
"Charlie's Angels" right now.
Do-da-loo, do-da-loo,
You're Bosley.
Oh, God.
Here. Take this.
Here's the rest of em.
Get em and go.
Beat it, queen.
Do your job!
Now listen, Debbie.
I know we have not
seen eye to eye,
because I've seen
wiener dogs taller than you,
but you and I really need
to work together
to make this happen.
You can count on me,
and I'm not just sayin'
I'll work with you now
so I can double-cross you later.
- What?
- What?
- Tits up.
- I'm tryin'.
[knocking on door]
Hi. We're the prostitutes
here to fix the fags.
Yeah, uh, we're here
to cure all the fags.
Calm down.
I got this, Mother Teresa.
[scoffs] We've done worse,
but not much worse.
Come inside.
Don't mind if I do.
Told ya.
We must to get to prison.
I feel a presence
I have not felt since...
the last time your hand
was on my ass.
Knock it off.
Don't mind the rats.
The rats don't mind you.
I really like what
you've done with the place.
It's so drab.
That's the radiation.
We have leaky pipe. Watch step.
Is that Plutonium?
Oh, that's Uranium-235.
- Very good.
- Thanks.
Prisoner today
thought it was Gatorade.
Stupid homo.
You're smarter
than most whores we get.
- Oh, well.
- But just as homey.
I'm sure you mean homely.
No, homey.
My mother was whore.
In you go.
- Uh...
- Uh, so what do we have to do?
Fix homo and I pay you
one potato each.
One potato, two potato,
three potato...
He seems nice.
[Russian accent]
Just to get set up.
Then we begin.
Now I've been to
some kinky shit,
but this is weird,
even for me.
I can't wait to see the skank
you picked out for me, though.
I hope she's awful.
Oh, she is.
I thought there was
gonna be more hookers.
I think it's just us.
How does this work?
Well, they've got him
strapped to that machine
to test his sexual response.
Don't you watch
Masters of Sex?
Premium cable?
I'm a teacher,
not a lottery winner.
There's a lot of lotteries
you didn't win.
While you're down there...
Yes, daddy!
(Rex) Oh... Oh, look at that.
Now listen.
They're gonna pick one of us,
hopefully you,
to go over there and grope him
to see if they can turn him on.
Once he pops a boner,
he's out of here, free.
This doesn't make sense.
We're in drag in a secret
Russian prison under the Kremlin
tryin' to turn this
gay slut straight.
And it's not like you sailed
here on the good ship Logic,
did ya?
Buy a lady a drink first.
I'll take an Old Spice.
- Neat.
- We must to test you.
Okay, which hooker you want?
Oh, this is like
Sophie's Choice,
except I want to be the kid
who goes to the gas chamber.
Is that an option?
I pick for you.
Now listen.
I wanna help Rex,
but if she picks me, I don't
know if I can do this.
It's gonna be me anyway.
I'm way prettier than you.
You really haven't caught onto
this whole homosexuality thing,
have ya, Debbie?
Stop callin' me Debbie!
Rex is a walking hard-on.
All you have to do
is go near him.
He'll pop a boner.
You're a very lucky lady.
Show me hands.
Thumbs up! Hands.
Okay. Okay.
No syphilis,
but we use them anyway.
Come on.
You very old whore.
You know what to do.
Right here? Right now?
In this lighting?
Make this queer a real man
or you both die in Siberia.
I thought I was
getting a potato.
Potato is for closers.
[sighs deeply]
There's got to be another way.
Maybe Siberia's not so bad.
Oh, please.
You know you want this.
You've wanted this
since the night we met.
I tripped over you
in a snow bank.
I thought you were homeless.
Oh, yeah? Then why
did you try to kiss me, huh?
That wasn't a kiss.
I was giving you mouth-to-mouth.
You weren't breathing.
Well, I'm breathing now.
[breathes heavily, snorts]
If I throw up in my mouth,
it's not gonna be good
for either one of us.
Talking costs extra!
No more potato.
Kiss! Kiss now!
Wait. Before we do this,
Richard, Richard,
something I have to say.
If Deborah is over there
wearing my wig, I will kill you.
Not if this kills me first.
No response.
I smell cabbage.
Is anybody boiling cabbage?
This is no fun for me either.
Now focus, or I swear to God
I will fist you like a Muppet!
Thanks for the dirty talk,
but I don't think it'll help.
Maybe if you tilt your head
a little so I can see the guard.
No response.
Come on. Again!
Again! Kiss.
I really wish there
was cyanide in my molar.
Then we could both die.
I mean, you know it's a sin,
but you're just not prepared
for how gross it is.
Definitely boiled cabbage.
Maybe with some turnips?
Is anybody hungry?
- Nothing.
- Sorry I'm late.
Rex, look. It's the guy
from the science fair.
I didn't think
he was cute then
and I don't think
it'll help now.
Oh, I make adjustment.
Honestly, I thought
he was hotter as Katya.
Wait. What?
Nice to meet ya.
How did you miss that?
I would think
your nerdy senses
would have been tingling.
You are a science teacher.
You know what to do.
All fine now.
Listen. If you
try to stick your tongue
down my throat again,
you're gonna taste my lunch.
Oh, yes! Success!
Yay. Success!
Hey, take him back to his cell.
Wait! I-I thought they were
released once they were cured!
Girl, please.
Look at him.
He need many more treatment,
but at least you
don't go to Siberia.
What about Carly?
Curly? Who is this Curly?
Shut your face, Debbie!
You have my daughter, Carly.
She isn't one of these flamers.
Let her go!
You keep Bianca.
Let me know
how this all plays out.
I've got a man waiting for me.
[thud on floor]
Oops. Baby made a boom boom.
What is going on here?
Mitya, what have you done?
This hooker
is a flaming drag queen
and a degenerate homosexual.
I'm the real woman here, okay?
You can take her.
Bianca del Rio
is the one that you want.
You thought those heels
were killing you before;
wait till I get a hold of you.
Okay, that's it. Guard!
Take homo to cell!
I stay with Mitya and these
prostitutes till you get back!
Come on.
Go, go, go, go.
Let's go.
This is great.
Now we're both gonna rot
in this rat-infested
prison together.
You brought this
on yourself, homo.
Oh, yeah. They're probably
gonna put us
in a cell together
with each other.
Wouldn't you like that, Debbie?
Never call me Debbie!!!!
[shrieking loudly]
Oh, no.
That voice. The rats.
(sing-songy) Deb-bie. Deb-bie.
Debbie, Debbie, Debbie.
Stop that! You stop that
with your faggy ties,
your clown makeup,
your nasty one-liners,
and your purse full of bees!
You stop calling me Debbie!!!!
Oh, no.
Is mating season!
[gun shots]
Little Debbie with her
Holly Hobbie dresses.
Little Debbie
with a lip gloss addiction.
You stop that!
They called me
Little Debbie Snack Cake!
I was the shortest one
in school!
You're just as mean as they are!
You stop teasing me!
[gun clicking]
Oh, no, no, no, no!
They coming, they coming.
Oh, no, they coming.
They coming
to mate with my face.
they mate with my face!
You don't have a key?
Nyet. Maybe if I had wig,
I could take bobby pin,
but I have nothing.
Looks like we're next.
Well, you see,
ever since Debbie here
and her brother kidnapped me
and left me to die in the woods,
I never leave home without this.
I don't have time
for this!
I don't have time for you!
All right! Let's go,
The prisoners
were kept downstairs.
We must to hurry.
That works perfectly, Deborah.
Wait. What?
Your voice...
It brought the rats.
I told you we needed
to work together.
They must to feed us soon.
Gorky get hungry.
What the hell?!
No, no!
Look! They are here.
- Mama, is that you?
- Carly!
Oh, I couldn't leave
my baby here in prison.
Listen, you guys, I'm gonna
have you out in no time.
You and Bianca
are workin' together.
Just to get you out of here.
Don't worry. She's gonna get
what's comin' to her.
Mama, haven't you learned
anything from all this?
Well, I learned I look
pretty fierce as a blond,
and did you know
rats have a mating season?
[both gasping]
It's okay, girl.
He's with me.
I told you
I could take care of myself.
I wish you
would have told me that
before I had to
make out with you.
Excuse me.
You are free to go.
Stay down, stay down.
Carly, you're free!
I am.
Now, help me
shove Bianca in here.
It's what we came here to do.
No, Mama. I can't.
- What?
- You're right. I am free.
Finally free of you.
No! Carly!
What are you doing?
These flamers
turned you against me?
They're just people
just like you and me, Mama,
tryin' to do the right thing.
But we were never tryin'
to do the right thing.
I mean all that hate -
and for what?
You can't just leave me in here.
Sorry, Mama.
You said prison made
a new woman out of you...
Well, it made a new woman
out of me, too.
I'll get you Bianca.
This ain't over.
Looks like you're the cat.
You're gonna have to
hold your own legs, bitch.
You ain't seen nothin' yet.
As soon as I get out of here,
I'm comin' for you, Bianca!
I'm comin' for you!
Oh, no.
Here come those horny rats.
(Rat) Hey...
This way. Let's go.
Thank you for everything.
I can't believe that you
would do that to Deborah.
I mean I wouldn't even
leave her in that jail cell.
Well, Rex has been
nothin' but kind to me.
I mean, it makes me question
what this whole thing was about
in the first place.
Maybe we are better together
livin' side by side,
instead of tearing
each other down.
Bianca has told me of snake
that bites your boobs off.
I know a doctor
who can make new again,
creamy like mash potato.
- Yes!
- They will be mash potato.
Perhaps a bit lumpy,
but we do our best.
Tater tits... Yeah.
Let's go!
I'll never forget you.
Hey! Wait up.
Hey, guys.
Let's blow this pop stand.
- He's not coming with us?
- Who?
Your new boyfriend.
Oh, that was just
a prison thing.
He knows that.
Besides, I think
my time behind bars
proves I don't need a man
to protect me anymore.
What you need to
protect you is bubble wrap.
I've been doing just fine
in New York since you left.
I don't need you to worry
about me anymore, mom!
But I do worry about you.
Why did you think
those bricks of cocaine
in your bag would help?
Not that bag...
The other bag.
There were two bags,
like the ones under your eyes.
All right.
You got me on that.
Is Svetlana Zlopasnost.
We run now!
Degenerate homosexuals
are escaping!
Let's get them!
[explosions, booming]
Go, go, go, go, go!
Ah, sh...!
Go, go, go, go.
Perfect timing, as always.
Girl, you know I got your back.
That's cause nobody
wants your front, but, uh...
So that is end
of Svetlana Zlopasnost.
Who is going to host next season
of Homo Hunters?
That was a good show.
Thanks for all
of your help, Mitya.
Sorry we got your club raided
and that we blew up your job.
But maybe this means that
you can come to America now.
I- if you'd like to, I-I...
Well, I would like it a lot.
Is tempting.
I would like
to know you better.
But still so much work
to be done.
Your Texas has given me hope
that if we stay and fight,
we can have Texas, too.
Oh, that is the saddest...
and dumbest thing
I think I've ever heard.
I understand.
You should stay and make
a bad situation better.
I mean, that's the whole reason
why I moved to Texas
in the first place...
and the reason
why I'm going back.
It's not just the children
that need an education.
We've made some progress,
but there's still more to do.
I'll help. I mean, if you queers
can change my mind,
anyone can change.
Oh, eat.
Come on. Is nobody
going to eat that, huh?
[all groaning]
Is three months now since
we moved to homo house,
and is great!
Sometimes I miss the breeze
come through
the cracks in the walls, but...
And now we have central heat.
When I build fire
in middle of room.
In-in-in-in basement
I have swing.
Oh, basement.
What treat!
It's funny kind of swing
is in basement closet.
Not so much with the weee!
Sometimes I climb
into the swing.
I hear moans.
I think homo house haunted,
but it's just my Boris.
[chuckles] Da!
I like.
crowd cheers]
In International news,
Russia continues to insist
they weren't running a secret
gay prison under the Kremlin,
and that the explosion
last month in downtown Moscow
was just a gas leak.
But word that dozens of gay
people have been arrested
and imprisoned in Russia
has sparked outrage and protest
all around the world.
Personally, I'm supporting gay
rights by wearin' this outfit
that Roger told me
I looked great in...
but I'm pretty sure he just
dressed me as Barb
from Stranger Things.
Yes. Justice for Barb.
That is what it is all about.
NEWS: It's deadly and it could
be in your purse right now.
What is it?
You'll find out
in the next hour.
Rex, no.
Rex, no! Rex!
If you don't bring
your whorish ass...
Wooo! Rex!
[phone ringing]
[no audio]
Get that out of my face.
I'm trying to perform.
I feel like a fuckin' roach.
Here, like, I'm a crab?
[smacks lips]
Mother [BEEP]!
You can't do this to me.
I'm talkin' to a stick.
How are you gonna get Bianca
to go over to Russia?
Oh, easy.
I sent her a letter sayin'
she won a teachin' award, right?
Only she has to go
to Russia to get it.
[both laughing]
Okay. Get it out, Dratch.
You motherfucker.
He just blew me a kiss.
What a dick.
You are found out to be gay man
in teacher fuck hole butt.
That's him right there
by the bathroom.
Oh, I want to fuck you.
Cause you know what?
You're going to speak Spanish
into my clam hole tonight, baby.
Fuck you, Debbie!
I'm gonna do this.
Explosion. Ah.
Lock her up!
Her emails!
Oh, God, it's there, right?
It's looking at me.
No. Okay.
Oh, God.
I hear it clicking.
[gasps] Jesus.
Okay. [chuckles]
This could be our big break.
[gasps, screams]
It's four AM and you're in
an old police station.
I- It gets better.
It gets better.
Oh, you don't like gays?
Or clowns?
Shut up.
Well, I think I found
Natalee Holloway.
Oh, no. That's Rachel Dolezal
disguised as... [snorts]
This hooker
is a flamin' drag queen
and degenerate homosexual!
Yes and yes.
This hooker...
[all laughing]
Got a special rate.
All right, let's reset.
- Line?
- It's a burp.
Okay, sorry.
That sucked.
Come on.
Secret police are everywhere.
We must be careful.
That old leather skin, honey,
they should stick real good.
Fuck you, cunt.
It's still prettier
than your asshole.
I sent her...
I sent her a letter saying...
- Oh, don't look at me.
- I'm not looking at you.
Let me get this right.
They're gonna hire ya'll hookers
to go in there
and seduce the gays?
Oh, wait.
Let me get this right.
So they are gonna
hire ya'll hookers...
Del Motto...
Oop, oh, she locked him in.
Sorry, I just...
Katya ruined the whole movie.
Hey, ya'll, we in Russia.
It's over there.
And cut.
- For real.
- It's a cut.
- Nice job.
- Nice job.