I Do... Until I Don't (2017) Movie Script

"For life."
No one wants anything
"for life."
It just reminds us
of our impending death.
I pledge allegiance...
The etymology of the word
"betroth" comes from
the word "pledge."
Americans pledge allegiance
a myriad of times
during their life
and then proceed
to throw a happy meal
out the car window.
"Betroth" is a word
from the 1500s.
I mean, the bloody ming dynasty
was still around.
Our problem is,
we live too long.
I mean,
if we were all dying at 45,
then fine, yeah, of course.
Go get yourself
But now we insist on doing
pilates colonic retreats
and vitamin drips,
convicting ourselves
to a dreadfully long existence
with one partner
for half a bloody century.
What do we do,
collectively as a species?
Die younger or,
a far less painful fate,
rethink the system.
I choose life.
I hate that he died.
They were kind of
a cute couple.
You know?
At least one of them
got out of it alive.
Thank you, Janet.
Who was that?
And now Hamish's
first and second wives
will read the lyrics
to "come away with me"
by Norah Jones.
Excuse me.
So, what is the point?
Children? Sure.
We marry to procreate.
Yet these precious progeny
are the very reason
for your marriage's demise.
Money? Of course.
It's cheaper
to conjoin funds,
cohabit, joint costco cards,
tax breaks.
Yet still, finances
are the number-one culprit
for severed vows.
Cruel business.
What else then?
Definitely not the sex.
Boredom? Religion?
And then there's love.
We marry for love?
Don't be daft.
Love is not sustainable.
Nor is marriage.
Oh. Mel.
Somebody over there.
Um, I have two questions,
uh, for you.
speak up a little.
Um, the first question is,
why did you choose
vero beach, uh,
to make your project?
Um, and "b" is, uh, I loved
your film tween jungle so much,
and I just, uh, admire that you
dedicated your life to the arts.
Both great questions.
Thank you.
Uh, why vero?
Well, my new project
will delve into
the social theorems
presented to amend
the architecture
of marriage,
that it should be
a seven-year contract
with an option to renew,
and that's what I'm gonna be
concentrating on
here in Florida,
the divorce capital
of America.
So, you proud inhabitants
of this swinging state,
I am going to get down
on one knee and propose,
will you accept
that marriage is dead?
I'm not actually going
to get down on one knee.
That was a sort of metaphor.
Oh, Noah, how can you
not remember?
It was the woman,
Vivian prudeck.
She's the one who did
that amazing documentary,
tween jungle.
And there was that one scene
with all those baboons
dancing all angsty
to nirvana.
I'll never forget that image.
Guess who jumped ship,
by the way?
Moses wolper,
my own goddamn godfather,
prefers crappy prefab bullshit
from rightnowblinds.Com.
it's just incredible--
That she's coming
to vero.
Where's the loyalty?
You should've seen her speech.
She was so riveting.
Really. She commanded
this whole audience.
She was funny
and charismatic.
She's looking for couples
for her new--
I'm sorry. Who's doing what?
You are not serious, are you?
You're not listening to me
at all, are you?
Oh, dear.
Is there another leak?
Yeah. Of course there is.
But at least we get
our plants watered instead of
ruining the goddamn carpet.
Why don't we just call
the sorensen's kid
to fix the roof?
We can't do that.
Why not?
You still don't trust him?
He was 13
when he drove the lawn mower
into the river.
No, I forgave him for that.
It's just, it's 800 bucks,
and we don't have that. Okay?
We need to do
a standard line.
Doing a standard line is not
gonna change the fact that
rightnowblinds.Com is so easy.
Who's side are you on?
I-I'm sorry.
We're basically broke.
We gotta get creative.
I have an idea.
I think we need
to change our slogan.
Just hear me out.
I like "blindful thinking."
It's got a nice ring to--
it was dad's thing.
Honey, I know that.
I just-- I have some
really great ideas,
i think,
'cause I think
we can make it
a little more modern.
So just
hear me out.
by the light.
What about that?
We don't blind people.
That would be bad.
No. It was sort of cool.
Um, what about, uh,
blinders keepers?
Okay, so--
you don't like that one.
But, uh--
who's blind is it
Come on. Is that modern?
I think it's kinda
groovy and cool.
I'll write them down
so that you can
really see them.
It's sometimes easier
to see it visually.
You know what you should do?
Blind your own business.
-Oh, that's good.
-No, that's not good.
Don't write that down.
"Blind your own business."
When you see it written
it looks quite good.
You are ovulating.
What is that?
It's an app.
Wha-- it--
see, the green days
are "fertile."
You have an-- you have
an app on your phone
for my ovaries?
Um... well, yeah.
It's pretty cool, right?
Well-- I see.
Oh, um...
I do have to pee,
so I might be able
to come.
Just for fun.
Can I smell your breath?
Oh, Noah,
please don't make me
do that.
Come on. Come on.
God, I love
the way your breath smells
after you work out.
Oh, don't say that.
That just reminds me
of our "be more active to
improve our sex life" talk.
That really makes me
I'm doing my best.
I know.
I just lack
hand-eye coordination.
I did
the tennis clinic today.
Listen, you are very good
at hacky sack.
You're just
saying that.
Meet me
in the bathroom...
In five.
Don't know if I need
fi-five minutes
to get there, hon.
W-watch it.
Watch it.
Noah? That actually hurt.
Oh. Turn around.
Put your right leg up.
Just be gentle.
Oh, no! Poo, poo, poo.
Oh, gosh, who doesn't--
who doesn't flush
after taking a number two?
That's unreasonable.
I'm sorry.
I just-- I thought--
there we go.
there's poo in there.
Well, it's a toilet.
I know. I just--
I just don't want to
bring life into this world
over poo.
Beans on toast.
Man meets woman.
Tweens hating their parents.
You're so annoying!
Follow the fearless journey of
four species, four adolescents,
four hemispheres of the earth
in the...
Tween jungle.
Why would you do that,
That's quite an aggressive act,
stapling my face like that.
If I don't eat something soon,
i am gonna murder someone.
And given your proximity,
it's in your interest
to help me.
We are in front of a diner.
Oh, yes! Well done, Mel.
Might have a shandy tonight
after all.
Oh! That bastard!
Breathe in the light, viv.
Breathe in the light.
I don't really want
to speak to you anymore.
I think about you all the time.
Well, that's rich.
Considering you disposed of me
like a rain-drenched newspaper
in a ditch of shit.
Stop yelling, please.
Don't order me around,
Is she there,
the horse-training munter?
Name's pippa.
Oh, no, sorry.
The equestrian wrangler.
Don't answer that.
I want you to come home.
I miss you.
Well, I don't care!
I think you do.
No, I don't give a toss.
And neither do you.
How's the project going?
It's going very well,
Is it then?
Is that a lighter I hear?
You're not smoking?
No, I'm not smoking.
I can hear you
It's not good for your face.
Currently I've got too many
couples to choose from.
Is that right?
Okay. Good for you, girl.
No, it's good. It's therapeutic.
Is it then?
All these strangers
reminding me
why you're so fucking
How's Richard?
He sounds really well,
1.4 is more
than reasonable. Period.
After all, comma,
won't it feel great
to finally get rid of
gator-infested property--
question mark.
Again, comma, so...
Sorry about
your bichon frise.
Exclamation point.
Must have been
a horrific sight.
Exclamation point.
Exclamation point.
Um, if you wou--
Is it too sexy?
Almost too sexy.
Harvey, am i
a gay man in the '60s
looking to bone?
-All right, fine.
-I mean, come on.
You know what?
You wanna be a goddamn pill,
be a goddamn pill.
I'd rather take one
than be one.
What did you just say?
I said
I'd rather take one
than be one.
Why does everything gotta be
a quip, a little dig?
It's-- it's--
it's unpleasant.
I'll tell you that.
Oh, my god, please.
Are you going to take
the helmet off for dinner?
I don't know.
Is it safe?
I don't know if it's safe
to take it off.
Because I feel like--
we're in a fricking
restaurant, Harvey.
Danger zone here.
I might need it
for some sort of protection.
Well, just so you know,
you do look
mentally challenged.
Well, that's fine.
Because you know what?
It's the opposite of sexy.
Being married to you
is challenging
in so many ways--
mentally, emotionally,
that, to me,
it seems fitting
that I would look challenged,
sitting here with you.
-Mmm, I'm sure.
I am gonna
take a leak.
Order me
the French dip.
I'm so sorry
to bother you.
Two French dips,
side, creamed spinach--
-no, I'm not a waitress.
-Okay, well, I'm broke.
-And I'm not interested
in what you're selling.
-I'm not soliciting anything.
Okay, well, I don't think
you think I'm a hooker,
unless you're an idiot
or a very hopeful lesbian.
Oh-- oh, god.
I didn't know
you were lesbians.
No, no, we're not lesbians,
nor hopefuls.
Well, actually, she is.
I'm not.
-Hi. I'm Vivian prudeck.
I'm in the area
making a documentary
for BBC films
about the concept
that marriage--
how much?
Should be a contract
that expires after seven years--
married 31.
How much?
it's quite a modest budget.
But it's more the cachet
of participa--
20k, five percent.
3,000, two percent,
and that is more than generous.
Seventeen and three,
and I'll throw in
some domestic abuse.
Four and 2.5,
and that's my final offer,
with the domestic abuse.
Twelve and four,
and I'll give you
a trial separation
at some point mid-shoot.
-You're bluffing.
-Bluffing is for children.
Don't insult me.
I'll give you 10,000
and three percent
if you deliver
all of the above
and... Divorce papers.
You've been listening
to widespread panic radio.
To build your custom blinds,
say "yes" to
It's just
seamless and easy.
There it is.
What's wrong?
Our accountant says
we have to file.
For what?
Uh, for chapter 13.
So, uh--
but don't worry.
Lenny says
it's just to reorganize
so we don't have to
lose the house.
Lose the house?
No, that's--
that's crazy.
I mean, i--
I didn't know
it was that bad.
Yeah, well...
Why didn't--
i-i-it is what it is.
My god!
I mean, Jesus!
Gosh, Noah!
God, I really think
that's unfair.
I wish you would
have told me. I--
well, don't panic.
I'm panicking.
I should panic.
I feel sick.
I feel really warm.
The bankruptcy is to protect us
from further credit issues.
Oh, my god!
It's just to reorganize.
We can't bring a child--
you're talking about
bringing a child into poverty?
Thank you.
No, thank you.
One thing at a time.
My god, I feel so frivolous.
I got my hair done today.
You can get your hair done.
What was it, 30, 40 bucks?
No, it was, like, $120.
What did they even do?
It looks the same.
It's low-lights.
It's a... whole thing.
It's like highlights.
You know highlights.
So it's like that,
but it just...
The whole point of it is
that you don't really notice.
It's very subtle.
But there's a gleam.
Then-- then yes.
How about no hair treatments
that cost over a hundred bucks
and result in nothing?
Gleam? How does hair gleam?
Yeah, it was a bad call.
I just didn't realize...
Where we were.
Mmm, o-okay.
Is that foreplay?
'Cause I feel
like I missed
something crucial.
Well, you were
all ready before,
and so I was just--
just feel like
we need to connect,
so i--
yeah, well,
it just--
Hi. Um...
No, I mean,
i appreciate it.
I-i-i just didn't know
you were gonna--
I'm-- I'm already--
i-i took care of myself.
I already did it.
Well, like,
just now.
I didn't hear anything.
How do you do that?
I didn't even
feel the bed shake.
When I do it myself,
it's really...
Silent and efficient.
Well, where's
all the stuff?
I-i don't know.
You don't know?
I mean, it's on a shirt
or something down there.
Hey, um, Fanny and Zander
are in for tomorrow night,
by the way.
Why bring up my sister
when we're talking
about your penis?
Well, you're the one
who's obsessed about Fanny,
not me.
What are you doing?
Watching gif's
on tumblr.
Good night.
Um, excuse me.
Uh, hi. Sir?
How may I help you?
Yes, I was just--
I'm a really big fan
of Vivian prudeck's--
oh, excuse my bodyguard.
Hi. Hi. Wow.
Sorry. I saw you speak,
and I just was really
interested in your project.
I see by your wedding band
that you're either
married or separated.
I am, yeah.
We are married.
It's coming up
seven years now.
Mel, get the release!
Yeah, I just--
and I don't mean
to be gauche, but, um,
how much does this
sort of thing pay, or...
What's your name,
my darling?
Oh, my goodness.
I'm so sorry, Vivian prudeck.
I'm Alice. Alice brewing.
If you'll allow me, Alice,
I'd like to ask you
a personal question.
Oh. Okay. Yeah.
Are you happy?
Sorry. My profession
sometimes encourages me
to overstep my mark.
That's quite all right.
I understand.
Happy? Yes.
We're very happy.
We went to college together.
I was a freshman.
And then took some time off.
We had great faith
in our love though, so we
did eventually get married.
That's fantastic.
Well, take care.
Well done, you.
Oh, thank you.
Mel, let's jog on!
There's a used
Porsche dealership
up there.
You could get
some talent there.
Excuse me. I just really--
I was excited to hear
about your project--
look, lady,
I'm very glad
that you're happy.
But my mission is to unveil
the archaic horseshit
that is matrimony.
Oh. Uh...
The last thing I need
is to waste my budget
on a couple of lovebirds.
Hang on just a minute.
Noah and I have all kinds
of problems. We're not perfect.
We've been trying to have a baby
for the past four years.
Our sex life
is purely result-based.
And I can only orgasm
when I have to urinate.
Sweetheart, these issues
are amateur hour. Okay?
I've got a thesis to prove.
Um... sometimes I think
he wants to have sex
with my sister.
Is she local?
Yes. And she rarely
wears a bra.
Okay, I'm gonna let you
do this on trial.
-But I'm not paying you.
-Well... oh.
Um, look, I think
to dedicate our time we should
be compensated monetarily.
Uh, Mel,
start the car.
Okay, fine. Fine.
I-it's okay.
Mel, the release form.
Deal. Thank you so much,
Vivian prudeck.
Gosh! Vivian prudeck!
This is amazing.
Um-- yes.
Okay, I'll sign here.
Listen, I majored in art history
at tulane, so I kinda know,
you know, what you do.
I'm actually part of
the vero beach
cultural association.
I am so excited.
I put my number right there.
Just so you can call us
and tell us when to start.
Thank you. Great.
A-any other questions too,
just let me know.
I'm always here to help.
Even if you want, you know,
just a little tour around vero.
Um, I've done
this sort of thing,
but can you just explain
to Harvey?
I don't think he knows
about the camera.
Of course.
You just have to look at me.
I got it.
It's just an impromptu chat,
so don't look in the camera.
I understand.
At all.
Just ignore the camera.
I understand.
- All right.
- Fantastic.
What was the question?
I'll ask you that
Um, how did it all start?
we met--
it was 1985, in Manhattan.
And, uh...
We were both heart fans.
That is true.
Dreamboat Annie.
Flawless. Love that album.
Sometimes I think
that's the only thing
we have left in common.
I don't know about that.
When we met
she was beautiful.
And she is beauti--
but she used to
wear these shoes,
they were, like,
these green,
snakeskin-y pumps.
Oh, god.
You make me sound
like a hooker, Harvey.
Well, I don't think
that's what I'm saying, but...
Look, I had no time
for any of that.
I was a single mom.
I was hustling my ass off.
Getting laid
or anything like that
was just an afterthought.
But he was
very sexually
I-- well, she was hot.
And we were--
it was mutual.
We were hot for each other.
There was a lot of heat.
That's how I got her
to marry me in the first place.
I was a champ in the sack.
Okay. Wow. So modest.
let's see.
Then we got married.
Then we got married.
Then we got married.
That changed a little.
-The first 10 years, that was--
-they were hard.
a lot of pressure.
Well, there was
a lot of stuff going on.
She was miserable at work.
She was dragging her feet.
She was in
the financial world and--
wait! No.
I loved my job.
I just--
i struggled--
balancing everything.
So we decided to make a change
and we moved down here
to be with all the other Jews.
I'm not... Jewish. I'm not--
I don't think
you have to underline that.
But also--
Because cybil's daughter milly
lives in Miami.
-That was
a big incentive to move.
-That's not the only reason.
I didn't say
it was the only reason.
I read that article in redbook
about prince Charles
playing Polo in vero,
so it always struck me
as a very nice
place to live.
So we moved
to be near prince Charles.
That's why we're here.
The point is, the man
can go anywhere in the world,
and he chose to go to vero.
-He's here a lot.
-Wouldn't call him a neighbor.
And what about
the concept of marriage
as a seven-year contract,
that after seven years
you walk your own separate way
and that's the end of it?
Yeah. Interesting.
Don't think it's a bad idea,
to be honest. I mean, uh...
Cyb-- I don't--
Sometimes I'm amazed
that cybil and i
made it this far.
I think it's valid.
I really do.
Is that too harsh?
No. We're just here
to tell the truth, Harvey, so...
Wait. I'll just get
the salad dressing.
You okay?
Mmm! Yes. Ah.
So stupid.
You sure?
I can't tell
what makes you
or the pending arrival
of your sister.
Well, the combination
isn't great.
How are you?
Good to see you, zenith.
Fanny. You look--
no. I love you.
I've been fasting.
Peace and blessings.
Peace and blessings.
You've been fasting?
Oh, okay.
Well, can you eat then,
'Cause I have made a casserole
for everyone.
Good to see ya.
Good to see you.
Good to see you.
-You wanna watch the TV?
We just got some new channels.
Oh, no, no.
Shh. He doesn't know
it exists.
Still he doesn't know?
He's gonna find out eventually,
don't you think?
-Because he's older now,
he could maybe--
-you'll see when you have kids.
-It just seems sorta crazy.
-We just don't honor it
as a concept.
No, he doesn't know
what TV is.
Oh! Gifts!
We come bearing gifts
Our gifts.
Oh, boy!
- Is this straight from the free thinkers workshop?
- -Yes, it's incredible!
Creative comrades
using their wares,
making their inventions.
It's so cool.
-Best thing we ever did was
moving here to be close to you.
-We could not agree more.
Can we use your shower?
What? Why?
We had to turn
our water supply off.
-The welding machine
spazzed out on--
-while we were making the gift.
Which you are gonna love.
-With the electrical stuff,
it went all cuckoo.
-Sounds dangerous.
Yeah, but it's making this
mineral formation on the cement
that's just really beautiful.
It's like this amazing,
poetic, wet bruise
on our floor.
A happy accident.
You got it.
Who's ready
for a shower?
I'm gonna!
Thank you!
You guys freshen up.
We'll be chillin'.
How great
are they?
They're great.
So funny.
They're so fun.
- Yes, present time.
- The presents!
What have you
brought us?
--Open it!
Is it these things
that are the presents?
-No, we need those back.
-Oh. Okay.
that's the first part.
- Keep going. Keep going.
- -What is that?
There you go.
I'm still confused.
You made this?
It's an at-home
agave spirit-maker.
get outta town!
You're welcome.
Get outta here!
I love it!
Wh-- how does it--
what do you do?
H-how does it,
oh, it's easy.
All you do is, you get
the blue agave cactus
from Mexico.
Once you get the plant,
you take the heart out of it.
You want to heat it up
to about 116 degrees.
And make sure--
don't go over.
I'm sorry. You said
there's a blue agave plant?
Blue agave cactus.
C-cactus? From mexic--
where do you get that in mex--
it's illegal to import 'em.
But we have a guy.
You guys are the coolest!
Are you kidding me?
You make this thing
out of, like, copper--
so glad you like it.
Where do you meet these people?
He's from
a moon-chanting circle
that we're a part of.
You know, Noah and i
have been approached
to participate
in this sort of avant-garde
documentary study on marriage.
Does anybody
want a refill?
We have?
It's this, um, award-winning,
uh, British filmmaker
who's helming the piece,
and I just couldn't turn down
the opportunity to support
her artistic vision.
Oh, we're
doing that too.
No, i-i don't think--
it's probably
a different thing, 'cause--
I don't know what you guys
are talking about.
I haven't heard about this yet.
The lady,
she came by the workshop
and she begged us
to do it because of
our open relationship.
No. That's not possible.
Yeah. What was her name?
Lillian or, uh--
no, love, no.
It was, uh, Gideon.
Her name's Vivian. Prudeck.
Her name's Vivian prudeck.
Yes. Yes.
- When, um-- she's right.
- It was Vivian.
When did sh--
yeah, when did this
come about?
Enough, Noah!
When did she--
no, I think I deserve to know
whatever avant-garde sex games
you signed us up for.
It's not
I mean--
but I can totally see
why you would think that.
What's that
supposed to mean?
You know what's great?
That we're all gonna do it.
Are we talking about sex?
No! No one's
talking about sex.
You brought sex into it.
It's not like that.
At least we're all
getting paid.
Good. There's money involved.
That we can use. How much?
It's actually quite a lot.
It started out as 5,000.
But then we said
we weren't gonna do it,
so she jacked it up to 10,000.
- Oh, my gosh.
- That's so great.
It's been
such a lovely night.
I'm feeling so tired.
Ten grand?
Are you kidding me?
When were you gonna
tell me about this?
I... was gonna surprise you.
This is huge for us
right now.
I was gonna
surprise you.
I am gonna
sleep well tonight.
Get a view of love!
Are you kidding me?
After three years
of studying in Chile,
the word that struck me most
was esposa, meaning "wife."
But also, it aptly translates
to mean "handcuffs."
An ancient language
has a message, perhaps.
is quite literally jail.
Both parties
are stripped of their freedom.
We are animals, after all.
We are programmed
to maximize our options.
Hot-blooded monkeys.
In captivity.
Okay, Mel, can you
get me out of these,
please? Immediately.
Turn your wrist.
Is it on this side?
Just turn--
stop saying "turn."
Take me out of them.
I'm going to do it.
Just wait there, please,
Thank you.
Oh, my g-- what--
can't-- no, I can't--
oh! Oww! Mel, do it!
Oh, god, thank you.
Oh, I always
get in a panic
in handcuffs.
- How do you think it went?
- Good?
You know
what that place is,
It's called
"your welcome spa."
You get me?
They give
handy endings.
I think you mean
happy endings.
Well, aren't you
the expert.
Boats! Boats.
Crash. Boats crash.
Boats crashing.
The big spoons!
Life jackets
in the garage!
Oh. Sorry.
Huh? What is this?
Early anniversary.
Is it Anthrax?
I don't know what this is.
I don't--
I don't get it.
I-it's in town.
It's by the gas station.
I'm not gonna sex you
for our anniversary,
so you might as well
get a handy
from a stranger.
That's nice.
You know what?
I could use a bookmark.
We actually have these
in our house.
And they're phenomenal.
They're like--
excuse me.
Well, that's not
humiliating at all.
Did we pay the electric?
Yes, of course we did.
I think. I gotta call Lenny.
We'll just come back!
Yes! Of course.
Thank you, Ms. michaelcheck.
This is Lenny.
Hey, it's Noah.
Oh, hey.
Just wanted to triple-check
that the shop electric bill
got paid in full?
Oh, god. Why?
Is there a problem?
That's why I'm calling.
We're sitting in the dark.
Ooh, yeah.
I'm looking at it now.
Is there any other
revenue coming in?
I don't know.
The 10 grand
from this documentary thing
should be coming in soon.
That's great.
When's that coming in?
I'll ask my wife. Hold on.
-Lump sum or increments?
-Is the documentary money gonna
be a lump sum or increments?
Um, it's, uh--
i think it's increments.
You know what?
I need to go get
a slushie.
A slushie?
Yeah! I saw an ad
for one earlier.
It was like, oh, god,
the '90s called and it wants you
to quench your thirst.
Marketing, right?
Get me one!
Hold on. Here we go.
Oh, god.
Okay, Alice.
Bring it back in.
Just bring it back.
Oh, god.
Hacky sack club
Field hockey,
junior varsity,
two years in a row.
Defense, Alice.
Defense leads
to offense, Alice.
Lucky listener number seven
could win a dinner for two
at Bonnie's.
Oh, thank you.
All I'm sayin' is,
don't let nobody treat you
like you basic.
You have to embody
your queendom.
All right, lyn.
Hi. Sorry.
Um, I was wondering if...
If I could have
a cigarette, please?
Oh, my god, are you okay?
Lyn, give her a cigarette.
They camels though.
She doesn't care, idiot.
What's wrong with you?
Thank you.
Come here.
It's all good.
We got you, boo.
Ooh, uh--
you okay?
You okay?
Why you cryin'?
Don't be rude, woman.
But you can tell us
if you want to.
Oh, it's, uh--
ugh. It's...
M-money stuff, basically.
Yeah. I feel you.
It's hard out here.
Life is tough as shit.
That's why we doin'
what we doin'. Right?
If you strapped,
then we could hook it up.
You look good.
Know what I mean?
We only roll up
pretty bitches.
You pretty, we pretty.
Like, we could get this
paper together. Right?
do you get it?
-I'm sorry. I'm not--
-don't be sorry.
That's right.
Never apologize.
Never apologize.
Never apologize.
What's your name?
Um, I'm Alice.
I'm Bonnie.
Tell her
your name.
I'm lyn.
She makin' like
she can't talk to nobody.
You can call me
We gotta come up
with somethin' cute
for you.
Oh, I don't know.
Like alley cat
or some shit, right?
You seem like an alley cat.
That's cute, huh?
Why don't we go inside.
Go inside?
my nickname?
Lyn. You're lyn.
Is that legal?
I-it's 'cause I like you
and I wanna help girls out
when I can.
I don't like
that boys club shit.
No, you gotta
jerk the flank
to make that bank.
Gonna get mines,
for word.
I-- I'm flattered.
But I can't, um,
uh, jerk anything
because I'm married.
Oh, you married?
I didn't know!
Yeah, so I can't.
And that's actually how
i got into this mess.
I told my husband that
we're making a bunch of money
doing this movie,
and, uh, we're not
making a bunch of money,
but he's counting on it.
So I've lied to him
and I can't tell him because--
stop, stop, stop, stop.
That's why we're gonna
hook you up.
-I never thought you'd do porn.
-You got a couple choices. Okay?
We get big money up in here
'cause clients know
our gorgeous girls
are between
the ages of 18 and 21.
Oh, well,
I'm actually 34, so--
you 21 now.
You can either do
a massage and ball-cupping
for 142 bucks,
a topless massage,
no balls, for 175,
a massage and a handy
for 375,
or topless massage
with a ball-cupping
and handy for 499.
I only take 23% commission
'cause lebron is my man.
Hey, hey, 23!
-Yeah. Free throws.
-Thank you, but--
I commute from port St. lucie
'cause vero dick pays sick.
This bitch
is from port St. lucie.
I made almost 2 g's
in tips yesterday
'cause dudes
was feelin' guilty as shit.
-Yeah, 'cause it was Thursday.
-Thursday be some crazy shit.
Is everybody horny
on Thursday?
I guess so.
Hump day?
Sweetie, come here.
You wanna see how smart
your husband is?
Can you please
not park that damn thing
in the middle of the driveway?
My stomach is not well.
I had burrata for lunch.
Turn the--
turn the television on.
Gonna have to
strip down for this.
Why do i
eat cheese?
I remember her eyes, you know.
Her eyes, they tore me apart.
And then they drew me back
for more.
She was glistening,
and I knew
i was in trouble,
because I never wanted
to look away from her again.
And that was
the first time we'd ever
been to a sex club.
That's right.
Nine years ago.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I didn't even know
that normal people went to them.
Yeah, 'cause, you know,
it's about activism. You know?
It's about actions.
We have a child together.
We don't need to be married
just because we exist together.
We are together.
Therefore socially
recognized as together.
And it's about
That's the key to any
good relationship, I think.
It's not just
an open relationship.
It's how you communicate.
Yeah. If it's not open,
then it's closed.
Yeah. And you don't
wanna be closed.
When you talk about
an "open" relationship,
how often do you sleep
with other people?
All the time.
It's a constant.
Never stops.
It's a part
of our life.
Take me through a "constant" day
of sleeping with other people.
How does that--
why don't we take a tour
of the shop? You still
haven't seen what we do here.
Shall we talk about this.
Just quickly do this bit first?
And then I'd love to see the--
and this is
our baby.
Free thinkers
This is how
we pay the rent.
And through Zander's
illustrations, of course.
He does this bunny--
the Jewish bunny rabbit.
I'm working on
a children's book
about how wiesman
struggles on easter.
-It's about tolerance
and acceptance, communication.
-That's true. Yes.
Just stop recording.
It's a total waste of time.
Come see this!
-Gideon, follow us. Come on.
-It's Vivian.
This is our collection
of vintage sidecars.
We're refurbishing them,
remodeling them,
giving them new life.
It's great, right?
It's a philosophical choice.
So, is this how
you pay rent on this place?
Yeah, and-- and my--
my father runs
a hedge fund.
Come look at this!
And your welcome.
All right. Uh...
Is it your
first time here, sir?
It is, yes.
I got, um--
I have this.
It was a gift.
But, uh--
would you like
a massage?
Yeah. Okay.
I'd like a massage.
I would.
'Cause my neck-- I have--
i have this stiffness.
No, no.
Pain. Pain.
I have neck pain.
I would love to massage--
to massage that.
Because we also have
special massage--
the massage plus,
the massage total,
and, of course,
the massage total plus.
Sounds all
kinda the same,
uh, to me.
I-i-i, uh--
about the massage plus--
it's 142. It's the one
with the ball-cupping only.
But I can explain each one.
No, no need. Why don't we
just do what we talked about.
The massage plus?
Right this way.
- Ow! Ow!
-Ohh! Sorry.
Oh, um, your welcome.
Your welcome.
What is that?
-What is this?
-There's cupping service.
-No, this is an actual cup.
-For cupping.
-You don't cup with a cup.
-Cup. Cupping. Cups.
Stop saying "cup."
I'd like to leave now.
No, please
don't go, sir.
This is not pleasurable.
-I'm just not that athletic.
-What does that have to do
with anything?
-My forearms are very weak.
It's hereditary.
Lacrosse is more of a hand-job
kind of cupping sport.
Stop talking. Take a breath.
-And stop.
- Good lord.
-I'm sorry.
Could you-- would you
hand me my shirt, please?
Sure. Yes. Oh, yes.
Um, this one or--
-sorry. I think I got oil on it.
-That is literally
the least of my problems.
How old are you?
You're 21?
Why? You think
i look old?
No, you don't
look old.
But you don't look 21.
Well, I'm 30.
That I believe.
I'm 34.
I believe 34.
Could I ask you a question?
Why are you doing this?
I lied to my husband
about money,
and I'm just
bailing myself out.
So you're married?
Yes, I'm-- yeah.
Are you?
Mmm. Barely.
Marriage is the best thing
that ever happened to us.
When we first met at tulane,
in the cafeteria,
she was a freshman,
i was a senior,
and I'll never forget it.
She was going to town
on this bowl of olives,
and I said--
i was trying to be flirty--
"uh, olives is not lunch."
And she said,
"they is to me."
and so I said, uh,
"I'm Noah."
And she said,
"i know-uh."
So we laughed and...
The rest is history.
It can be hard though, too,
you know, marriage.
Just-- we struggle a lot.
We have a lot of struggles.
-How do you struggle?
-We're trying to get pregnant.
But we can't.
-Well, that's not entirely true.
-Yes, it is.
We don't know yet.
We're just--
we're trying.
- We have sex very rarely.
And when we do,
we sort of fail at it.
Y-you fail at--
at sex stuff.
-All of it, really. Everything.
No, we don't.
At least
i never thought we did.
I always wanted
to be an artist.
You wanted to work
in advertising,
so that's-- it's--
that's still...
A very creative position.
Not exactly the same.
You never said
you wanted to be an artist.
Well, we had a deal.
We had a break.
Remember, we had a break.
Yeah, we took some time off.
A long break because he was
waiting for me to graduate.
And the deal was that
we were going to go to New York.
I was gonna get a chance,
finally, to pursue my career.
We were gonna start new there.
You know,
it would've been great.
Uh, but my father passed away.
His father passed away.
And I had to take over, so--
and then after,
i thought we could--
so we came back.
Now Alice runs all the ad sales,
marketing, and graphic design--
-don't get to do anything, but--
-for brewing blinds.
I always wanted to have a Bob,
like Louise Brooks.
A what?
A Bob.
- A haircut.
-Yeah. My sister had
a mohawk in high school.
Who cares?
You tell me.
Change battery.
Stay there.
Stay there.
We have great deals on blinds
installed in your home
or office.
You're not still bummed
about, uh... not working
in advertising, are you?
What? Oh, um...
No, it's not that.
I think, um,
i just get so anxious
in front of that camera.
I think I'm just tired.
You know?
Hi. Welcome. Welcome to
the free thinkers bookshop.
- Hello.
- Hello.
That's the bunny rabbit
that missed out on easter.
- What is it?
- A Jewish bunny rabbit.
- Jewish.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm the artist.
Please come back
and see us.
of a different
belief system.
Now, you have
work to do.
-Are you Fanny and Zander?
-Oh. Yeah. Hi.
That's great.
I'm egon.
My friend zorn
from occupy Orlando
recommended I come see you
about work out here.
Yeah. What kind of work
do you do, brother?
Oh, I'm a sculptor-slash-
performance artist.
I make life-sized
copulating nudes
with reclaimed appliances.
that's genius.
That sounds amazing.
What's the performance
It's called gut extraction.
volunteer subjects,
I pull the energy
from their insides
using breath and proximity
and I transfer
the human spirit
into the metal structures.
I can show you, if you
want to volunteer maybe.
Very cool.
Yeah! Yeah!
Of course.
Okay. That's awesome.
Right on!
It's cool, right?
There's a stool here.
It's all we need.
Thank you so much
for taking this journey
of life with me.
You're welcome.
Okay, just focus
on my nostrils.
All right?
That's very good.
Now, if you could just
spread your legs a little bit
for me, that'd be great.
-You know what? We're good
on the guts art, bro.
Well, when you use it
with the metal
and it goes in there--
you should
walk away now.
Begone, egon.
Don't apologize.
Just walk.
You were really good.
See ya. Bye.
I've been, like--
I'm sorry--
Christ on a stick,
they're square
for hippies.
They didn't buy it.
Where did you find this dolt?
- Craigslist, boca raton.
- Should I go back in there?
I have spent six years
of my life into research
and endured a lacerating divorce
from a welsh industrialist
to authenticate
this project.
And you use
craigslist boca.
I'm sorry, viv.
He's the best we could get
for the time and money.
I need chaos.
It's too clean.
Maybe we should've
gone to shreveport.
No, Mel!
Florida's the one
with the statistics.
my nan used to say,
bacteria grows richer
in a pristine petri dish
than in a sullied one.
I miss my nan.
Maybe just tell them
it'd be more compelling
if their marriage
falls apart.
It's my responsibility
to paint a picture.
Maybe I just need
a heavier hand.
I notice you're holding a helmet.
Is that something you wear in the house?
Or do you have
a motorbike?
Just, uh--
just had a little ride.
That's all right.
I can take it out,
if that's a problem.
It's embarrassing.
Mid-life crisis.
At your age, it does
just read as bourgeois.
And garden fountains
are not bourgeois
wong told us to get those
and you know that.
Who is wong?
We went to a therapist,
Dr. Sandra wong.
This was years ago,
when we first got together.
Because cybil, uh, said
that i-- I made our bedroom
a hostile environment.
He snores.
I snore.
So I took to putting
a pillow over his face.
She tried to kill me, basically.
That's what that is.
-I tried to silence you.
There is a difference.
-Explain that to a jury.
That's how you
would kill someone.
-If you apply pressure,
which I didn't.
-Yeah, well, you could die.
Dr. wong told me to write
in this journal thingie
whenever I felt like
i might want to kill him.
-Which is a much better idea.
-Which was at night,
when he was powerless.
And he's
flagrantly loud.
- Flagrantly... loud.
- Got it. Thank you.
Um, let's talk about family.
You have a daughter. Right?
Yes. Milly.
She's, um--
well, she's from my previous,
very brief marriage
to Max.
Milly is
very independent.
You know what?
Let's just--
let's just leave her...
I-i can't hear you.
Let's just not--
let's just leave her
out of this, maybe.
Do you have regrets
about your role as a mother?
No. No.
i worked a lot.
Uh, maybe milly
harbors some...
Let's just--
let's just do what we said,
which is, stick to
the whole marriage thing.
Does milly see you
as a failure?
She just said she doesn't
want to talk about it.
Of course.
So let's not talk about it.
Okay. Yes.
Go to
another question.
Yeah. Um, so, that's all--
that's all brilliant.
Um-- mm-hmm.
Oh, it's beautiful
out here.
Yeah. Live in art
to make art.
Yes, I agree.
We're both artists
in that way.
It's a--
it's a sensual existence,
don't you think?
I suppose so.
Being open is--
is Paramount
to the free life.
That's why
I'm so thankful
that you and Fanny
let me in.
Yeah, I understand why
you never got married.
It's an old-fashioned,
stodgy principle.
And you're both
like cavemen,
with whomever you feel
or smell at that time.
Yeah, that's true.
Like beasts.
Hmm? Yeah--
oh. Oh. Oh!
Oh, you know, I should
probably feed the chickens.
These people are puritans.
It's okay.
It's okay.
All ri--
okay. Okay.
We're gonna get you
in the chair. Snackies?
You want snackies?
- We have your little
snackie bag.
Clear, Alice. Clear.
It's difficult,
isn't it, darling?
Vivian, I didn't
see you there.
Trying to move forward
when your partner's stuck
in the tall grass.
Oh, yes, yeah.
I've been there.
You have?
I was married, you know.
You were?
We're more alike
than you realize.
I'm okay. Mmm.
You're sharp, Alice.
You were right
about Noah.
I was? About what?
It's not his fault
he has a wandering eye.
He is, after all, a baboon.
He's a baboon?
As are you and I.
I've observed
your sister Fanny.
Her robust fertility
that's awarded her a son.
She is but
abounding sensuality,
so effortless and free.
Yes, yes.
I mean, how could Noah,
a man of ripe virility,
ignore such a scent?
Do you... know something?
Here's what I know.
Are you both really
doing all that you can
to get pregnant?
I mean, I know
that you are, Alice,
but is he?
Well, if I'm really
honest with you,
the subject is really complex
because I'm really not sure--
oh, damn right
it's complex.
I'm sure that he operates
with fine intentions,
but... a wild animal
cannot help
but bite.
I think the price
is actually very reasonable.
The seller's very motivated.
It's really beautiful.
Oh! This is
the seller's agent.
Honey, what do you think?
So just-- why don't you
just take it all in?
I won't be a sec.
Wanna look over there?
Milly? Oh.
Oh, honey,
i can't hear you.
I'm gonna call you back.
Hey, it's milly.
Leave a message.
Okay, I guess
you're in a bad area,
or maybe it's me.
I don't know.
I couldn't hear you, honey.
We-- we're so excited
that you're coming.
Um, i--
it's been so long.
I feel like I'll hardly
recognize you.
But I will.
I mean, I will, of course.
It's not even a nice thing
to say. I'm sorry.
Um... okay.
Well, call me when you can.
Okay? I love you so much.
So-- so what's the catch?
Call me.
I mean, did someone die
in here or something?
Uh, yes,
but natural causes.
Wait, what?
I've actually
got one that I think
will work for you.
It's an s1k that
we picked up from a yard
in Rhode Island.
It's a little rusted out,
but I can sand that out.
It'll rig on there okay?
Oh, yeah.
I can prep the mount today
and then you can take it on
and off whenever you want.
I've never ridden
with the extra weight.
It's like training wheels.
You just gotta be careful
around the turns.
But it provides
extra support.
Sure, sure.
You got yourself
a copilot?
Uh-- well, in theory.
Oh. Is this
a special occasion?
Hopefully. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
I am so thrilled
we can make it work.
Me too.
Thanks so much.
All right. You got it, Mike.
You got it. Paperwork's
on its way to you.
Here we go.
i just signed it.
I don't know
the password.
Is this it--
milly's not coming.
What'd you say?
How's the sex?
It's great.
He wears his glasses
during cunnilingus.
I did that once.
I am never gonna
live that down.
My vagina felt inspected.
I felt that I was under
scrutiny of some sort.
Why do you think
i can only come
when I have to pee?
What does that have
to do with anything?
Alice, what is going on?
- Can we turn the camera off for a second?
- Of course.
What-- what-- this vibe.
I was just being honest
for the sake
of artistic integrity.
A noble cause.
Okay, excuse us.
I just was trying--
sorry. Come here.
Pan out, pan out.
What's wrong?
Every time we come in here,
you make it seem
like we're miserable.
I think we have
a pretty great life.
Don't you?
- Yes, sometimes, yes.
- Get in there.
I don't think
this is good for us.
I think we should bail.
We need the money.
Fuck the cash.
Fanny's doing it.
Besides, we can't bail.
Is that what this is about?
Your maniac sister
is doing this.
You said we need the cash.
My maniac sister?
You said she's
the most athletic person
you know, so--
okay. Who cares?
Do you think about
sleeping with her?
What? Oh, my god.
Do you?
Why would you
accuse me of that?
I think I've been more
than patient and reasonable
with your moody outbursts.
For someone
who wants a baby so badly,
you're making it
pretty difficult
to want to have sex with you.
You're being irrational
and mean.
I'm being mean?
You're being mean.
I am so nice to you, Noah.
I play tennis for you.
I let you smell my mouth
before I brush.
I listen to widespread panic
for you.
What about me?
What about you?
Well, okay, the most
creative thing I have done
in the past three months
is hem your fucking pants,
Well, there's--
don't bring up
brewing blinds.
Brewing never needs
any new artwork,
and that is the truth,
because you insist that
"we need a visual
that clients can trust."
Basic brand.
I understand that.
But you know what, Noah?
I could have moved
to New York without you,
because Terry Schultz
had that extra room,
and I could have dealt with
those cats easily if I just
took Claritin or something.
Then I could be getting
coffee on my lunch breaks
or buying gesso somewhere.
I could have a mohawk
right now, but I don't,
for you.
So don't tell me
that I'm being mean.
No. I will not
have that!
Oh, god.
Fermented burdock?
No, thank you,
my love.
No matter what roof
we've lived under,
whether it's tin
or hay or stars,
I feel like we've always
been transparent
with each other.
The hearth of truth.
Yes. The hearth of truth.
It's-- it's just...
This is--
is there someone you're
wanting to connect with?
Someone you're wanting
to bring into our bed?
No, it's not that.
I don't know if it's
because I'm getting older
or maybe
I'm losing my edge.
We haven't talked
about the fact
that neither you or I
have brought anyone
into our bed
in nearly six years.
you are so much more
than I could have ever
dreamed of.
And this hearth of truth--
our hearth of truth--
our fire...
I don't know
if I want to share
that warmth
with anyone anymore.
Jesus, al.
Knock sometimes.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
you were in here.
I really didn't.
That's why you knock.
Okay. Well, can i
just go pee?
Yeah. Of course.
No, alone?
Can I go alone?
'Cause i--
yeah, that kind of pee.
I got it. Yeah.
Thank you.
I'd like some privacy.
Yeah, I'm not really sure
if that's what I imagined.
Man, I get it.
It's hard to stick to
the one you're married to
when you could always have
the newer, sexier model,
So, why don't you
live with it.
Right? And if it
doesn't turn you on,
you can always
replace it.
Good point.
Hey, Noah?
Could I just talk to you
for a second, please?
Yeah. Sure.
Excuse me.
Okay. All right.
Sorry. Hey, I just
want to talk to you.
Are you taking hydrocodone
because you want to
be with Fanny?
What are you
talking about?
I know you injured
your elbow three years ago
mountain biking,
and you took hydrocodone,
but there's no reason you
should be taking it anymore
unless you're deliberately
trying to sabotage our chances
of having a child,
which was your idea
to begin with.
Okay, where
is this coming from?
I saw you take those pills.
Those pills you take.
Vivian said I should
look out for signs,
and I saw signs.
I saw you
taking those pills.
She said Fanny was "abounding"
with all kinds of stuff,
and we're all baboons--
Just stop, okay?
Just tell me.
All right.
I don't even know
where to start.
I have to, like--
I'm not taking
I'm taking he shou wu.
It's for male pattern
What's "maherpatter--"
male pattern baldness.
I got it from a Chinese doctor
that Fanny and Zander
I didn't wanna tell you
because I want you
to think of me
as this viral, hunky man,
and not some old dude
with his hair falling out.
But why did you go to Fanny
to talk about that?
Why do you have this secret
meeting with Fanny?
Fanny! Fanny!
Something you won't even
talk to me about.
Let's clear up this Fanny thing.
Okay. I would like
to do that.
Let's just settle this,
'cause there's something
you need to know
about your sister Fanny.
She's great, but...
In the way
that llamas are great.
They're cute in pictures
and maybe they're fun to feed,
but I don't want one in my house
because they spit a lot.
I'm serious.
The best thing
Fanny's got going for her
is Zander and zenith
and that she's got you
for her sister.
Other than that,
she kind of smells
like a combination
of ear wax and oregano.
I love you, Noah.
I love you too, al.
Future mother
of our children.
I don't want to have a baby.
I-- I just feel like
I'm putting
all this frantic energy
into trying to get pregnant,
and i--
the truth is
it just really makes
my stomach hurt.
I only wanted to have a baby
because it's what you wanted
and because it's so obviously
what we're meant to do.
But i--
I'm sorry.
So sorry.
I mean, that's hard
for me to hear.
I know.
Please don't
divorce me.
Because then Vivian
wins, right?
Okay, wait. First of all,
that British jerk has
nothing to do with us.
And second of all,
we're not getting
a divorce.
Yeah. Okay.
Now, I admit,
i want to have kids,
and i-- I want
to have them with you.
But when we got married,
we promised
to walk through the mud
and the light together.
And I meant it.
So I gotta process this,
but I'm not going anywhere.
Okay. Nice to hear.
Now, I have to ask you
a very important question.
Do you, Alice brewing,
promise to extract us
from this toxic horror show
of a documentary,
for richer or for poorer?
I do.
I'm here.
I'm gonna take a shower
before we get started.
So I won't be a second.
All right, baby.
I have to finish this--
welcome home.
Hi. Hi, hi.
Guess who's here.
Hi, mom.
-Holy shit!
-I'm pregnant.
Well, I'm not an idiot,
This is precisely why
i didn't tell you.
I'm your mother,
for Christ's sake.
Oh, my god.
I knew you'd flip your lid,
mom, which clearly you are.
-And how long?
How far along are you?
-Nine months.
-Nine months?
-Nine months.
-Nine months.
Oh, my god, milly.
You're so beautiful.
You better sit down.
Harvey, can you get her
a chair?
-She's got a couch. She's fine.
-Get her a chair.
Mom, you have to calm down.
Just calm-- no, stop it.
Stop it! Stop it!
This is why I don't
tell you anything!
What do you mean?
-Harvey can tell you.
We talk about it.
-Did you know about this?
-I've been working my ass off
preparing for this damn thing.
-I'm broke.
-I'll help you.
I don't need your help.
This crazy lady is paying me
$500 to be here.
How dare you pay her
only $500?
You're paying everybody else
way more than that!
No, 'cause I also
paid for her bus fare.
That was nice.
They got the bus fare.
- You made her take the bus?
- Oh, boy.
-A bus.
-Here we go.
In her condition.
You made her take a bus
in her condition?
Mom, it was fine.
What kind of barbarian
are you?
-It's fine. Stop it.
-I don't know what kind
of tricky piece of magic
you're trying to conjure up here
with your horseshit
reality show.
-I don't know,
but I'll tell you something.
-It's kind of sexy.
Pack up the cameras.
Pack up your lesbian and get
the fuck out of my house!
Can you just calm down, please?
Turn that off!
A bus!
- Hello?
Hello! Hello!
Oh. Oh, shoot! Coming!
Sorry, sister.
I didn't hear you
zenith hears it.
Come on in.
Hi. Hello.
Should I, uh--
Do you want--
yeah, sit down.
I just can't breathe
unless there's incense,
you know?
Um... so, i-i--
i just want to apologize
to you, Fanny.
When I think of you--
when i-- you know--
I'm sorry.
It's just so loud.
Could we tell them
to just take five
or smoke something?
Of course. Yeah, sorry.
Thank you.
From when you lived
in Lithuania?
So cool. Um--
I just want you to know
Even though you are
my younger sister,
I have always
looked up to you.
I mean, you are so good
at making life
just exciting,
you know?
And... strange
and wonderful.
You're like
my life spirit animal,
you know?
I love that.
It's true.
-I love that.
-Noah and I will never be
as effortless as you.
You know, probably 'cause
we could never handle
having multiple
sexual partners
in our relationship.
Um, can I just--
If I wanted to do heroin,
I have the means and resources
to do heroin.
Wait, what?
When did you do heroin?
Zander and i
could do heroin,
but we choose
not to do heroin.
That's why
we don't do heroin,
is because
we choose not to.
Well, that's great.
I mean, 'cause it's
a really dangerous drug.
Heroin being the metaphor
for cheating.
Yeah, we don't cheat.
You don't cheat.
We don't cheat.
See, that was such
an interesting way
to say it.
It would have been easier
if you just said it.
It was quite a reach.
Oh! Does Vivian know that?
I feel like--
oh, screw that bloodsucker.
Why? You don't
like her anymore?
She was trying
to seduce Zander,
and he wouldn't let her.
She fired us.
That's crazy.
She came over here
and kissed him.
No. Stop.
She kissed him
on the mouth.
Oh, my god.
Fancy lady blouse.
I really thought
that she was one
of the great people.
She was picking up
on some dark energy.
You're good
at reading juju.
I know, right?
Oh, my gosh. She's terrible.
You need to get revenge.
I know.
What are we gonna do?
So glad you got to have
a proper shower.
I just-- I made you
some sleepy time tea.
Thank you.
And I, uh--
I put some milanos
there too.
You didn't
have to do that.
It's very good.
I know.
Tomorrow night,
if you like,
we can make
some artichokes.
I'm probably gonna go back
to Miami first thing.
May I ask
who the lucky father is?
-Is that a real name?
-Well, he--
he sounds nice.
Yeah, he's super nice.
He's in jail.
For what?
For walking his dog
without a leash.
Oh, well, that seems
a little harsh.
Yeah, well, he has a lot
of tattoos all over,
so he gets arrested
for stupid stuff
all the time,
and then we don't have
enough money to bail him out.
Nice to see
he has a dog.
Oh, milly, why don't you
stay here
for a few weeks?
Maybe until
the baby comes even.
See, I can help you
with everything.
I'm sure quilton would
understand that your mom wants
to care for you right now.
That's okay.
He'd get that.
No, no. We have a plan,
and it's your anniversary.
You don't want your pregnant
daughter running around,
ruining the mood.
No, I do. I do.
The mood is fine.
The mood is--
it's good.
Mom, he's stuck in jail,
and he's not gonna see
the baby come.
I can't just sit here
in your guest room,
eating milanos and drinking tea
and just waiting for him
to come out.
We'll bail him out.
We will bail quilter out.
Mel, can you come
over here, please?
Do you want a shandy?
Spoon you?
It can't all
fall apart.
I've come too far.
They're all failing me.
Where do I find
new subjects?
There's a sex addicts anonymous
meeting in fort Pierce tomorrow.
You're so clever, Mel.
You know that, don't you?
Thank you.
Could I call you Richard
from now on?
Maybe not.
And I lifted my head
from her crotch
and said,
"i don't want to be here."
This is not me anymore.
I choose to stop eating you out
because I do not know your name.
That's so great.
- Hello?
- Vivian. Yes, hi.
Hello, Alice. Yeah.
I can't talk at the moment.
It's not a good time.
Well, I understand,
but you were right.
Fanny and Noah,
they're cheating on me,
and, um--
they're doing it.
Oh, my god.
I'm so sad.
I found Fanny's panties
in Noah's briefcase.
-What? I'm not a lawyer
in an '80s movie.
-I don't wear panties.
I mean, such is life.
As I always say,
fate is inevitable.
Yes, you are right.
I just--
I've been in my car
alone, crying.
And the shit
just hit the fan.
And the shit
has hit the fan
in my relationship.
We need to investigate
this arduous time.
Yeah, we do need
to investigate it.
And I want to do it--
and I want to do it
on camera,
for your documentary
because I think I really
want to confront him.
Wait. I've got an idea.
What if we did a public event
on emancipation day?
It could be dramatic
and profound.
Think about it.
Why be in front of one when
you can be in front of a crowd
and really ruin him?
A crowd?
She wants to do it publicly?
She's insane!
You know, I think
it's a fair idea.
I do.
Because it's a perfect place
for me to free myself.
Why? What do you mean?
Free yourself from--
uh... divorce.
That's right. Divorce.
I'll see you there.
Di-- bye.
We must organize.
Sorry, guys.
We're in a meeting.
Come on quickly, Mel.
I think
I'm close to tears.
Mel. Mel, Mel.
Come on. I'm in a pocket.
I'm in a pocket now.
Okay, and--
okay, good.
The jig is up, people.
We perform these
lofty acts of love--
sky-written proposals,
flash mobs of
"i will love you forever,"
blah, blah, blah.
These are gestures
of disillusionment.
Modern society
has the privilege
to evolve.
Seven years is more than enough
to ask of someone--
if any years at all.
However, if you have taken
that futile path,
as I had done myself,
in vain,
you needn't remain captive.
So often people
declare their love.
Why not declare
your freedom?
My subject, Alice brewing,
after seven years
of marriage and servitude
to her husband Noah,
will publicly exercise
her marital liberation
on none other
than emancipation day,
the day that
so many proud citizens shed
the shackles of bondage
in the name
of human rights.
A day that my subject,
will aptly demand hers.
Well, shit.
Well, this just in.
Critically acclaimed
documentarian Vivian prudeck--
you know, the one with
the wild ideas about marriage.
She's hosting
an emancipation day
event tomorrow.
- Hey. Okay. The guys here say
it's not just the battery.
It's the starter.
Or it's the-- possibly
the sole-- "solenord"?
I don't know.
I don't speak car.
But anyway, whatever it is,
it's gonna be another day or so.
I think we should
just stay in tonight,
get take-out.
for our anniversary?
I know, but milly's here,
so we'll just do
a low-key thing, okay?
All right. Okay.
Okay. I'm waiting for my cab,
so it'll be another hour.
Okay. See you in an hour.
Milly, you want anything
while I'm out?
No, thanks. I'm good.
All righty.
Actually, yeah, yeah.
Can I have some shrimp scampi?
-You got it.
-But not from that Italian place
near the pizza place.
-I don't like that place.
-Okay. I got it.
-Anything else?
-A bunch of chocolate stuff.
Just surprise me.
Perfect. Got it.
Thank you.
That'll do it.
Thank you, ma'am.
Yo! Zander?
Anybody else notice
how filthy her aura was?
It was like--
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Harvey! Oh! Oh!
You're picking up today.
That's right. Come in.
Hate to intrude. Sorry.
Meet my family.
-This is Fanny.
Fanny, this is Harvey.
That's Ophelia.
And that's Cyrus.
And that's Noah and Alice.
-Wait. Where's Alice?
Wait. Alice.
It took me forever
to figure out
your eco-toilet.
Alice, this is Harvey.
Harvey, meet Alice.
-We've met before, haven't we?
-No, no. I don't think--
-i don't think so.
-There's something so familiar
about your face.
-I think I just have
one of those faces.
-You look so familiar.
Well, look, Harvey.
You know what?
Why don't you sit down,
have a drink.
I'm gonna mount that sidecar.
I worked really hard on it. Your
special lady's gonna love it.
What's happening?
You're all stiff
all of a sudden.
-I didn't-- no.
-Have more.
Oh, thank you.
Massage her, Noah.
-No, no, no.
No massaging. It's fine.
-How 'bout a massage?
-I'll wait outside.
-No, don't be silly.
-Relax, baby!
-Uh, no, no--
-please, I don't need--
-massaging you!
You guys hear about
that Vivian prudeck thing?
Yeah. Yeah.
We're going to that.
Are you?
You know, my wife and I,
we're doing this crazy
documentary thing that--
- you're what?
- -Get out of here!
Oh, my god!
You know what
I'm talking about?
We're doing that.
But we hate her.
-She's doing that whole thing
because of us.
That Vivian crazy lady?
-She's insane!
-No. No way.
You gotta join us.
It's here.
Smells so good.
I'm super hungry.
Oh. Look at you,
with your candles.
I just want it
to be nice ambience,
So I'm gonna set it up
and then you can just have
a good anniversary.
And I'll just go
into my room.
Hey, what is more perfect
than-- than this?
Uh, would you ask your mom
to come out for a minute,
Hey, mom, it's for you.
Happy anniversary.
I know you may
hate this gift,
or you may think
it's really selfish,
but, uh,
I realized...
I don't-- I don't
want to ride alone.
I really don't.
I was gonna make it
"i don't want no cybil war,"
but I thought this was
a little more to the point.
What is this?
Happy anniversary to you.
Is it a divorce in a box?
No, they don't make those.
I checked.
I got this
so I could ride bitch.
I never knew
you wanted to join me.
You never asked.
Come on. Suit up.
I'm taking you out.
-Yeah, right now.
-Oh, no, now? No.
We got a whole spread,
like a table thing.
I don't care.
I'm taking you out
for a steak dinner.
Come on. Suit up.
Milly! Eat the food!
I'm taking your mom out.
Okay, uh--
just give me a second.
Climb in.
You're doing so well.
It's like a chair.
Wait, wait.
But much harder.
Thank god you thought of this
'cause I'll be honest,
with a head as hard as yours,
i forgot to get a helmet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I didn't think
about it.
Don't go--
don't go till I'm ready,
till I know you're going.
Okay. There you go.
Never seen
anything cuter.
You're like
the cutest cosmonaut
there ever was.
Okay, what do I hold on to?
And your life.
Keep your hands--
hey, Noah,
do you think that--
are you sure that
there was no alcoholic
in the, um, sugar thing
that they had,
that they were serving?
I don't know
what the hell
was in that stuff.
And that's why
i didn't drink
any of it.
No! You didn't?
No. I didn't.
We were supposed to
be together in that.
I don't drink anything
from that house
'cause it could be
goat pee or who knows?
Who makes it at 165?
That doesn't even--
what's happening?
What are you doing?
I'm trying to make
these bagel bites.
You want some help
with that?
So much to read.
I just want to admit
something to you.
Just-- I want to be
completely frank.
Lay it on me.
I think I might be
a little bit buzzed
not really drunk or anything,
but just a wee bit buzzed.
Because honestly,
i, um-- I want you
to be up here with me.
It's so fun.
Come, come, come, come.
I am jealous
of where you are
right now.
I have some
catching up to do.
I know!
I'm going to get some glasses.
Let me guess.
You must be quilton.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you so much
for bailing me out,
Mr. burger.
call me Harvey.
All right, Harvey.
I'm so embarrassed that
we had to meet like this.
Ah, don't you even
worry about it.
Here we go.
Hop on in.
How 'bout that?
That's the--
that's your ride?
That's it.
Sweet, right?
I'm afraid
of motorcycles.
You actually--
I mean, yeah.
Okay. Tell you what.
I promise I won't do
any wheelies today.
Please don't.
Yeah, don't--
please don't do that.
No, I'm kidding.
'Cause you can't.
That was a joke.
You can't do-- okay.
It's just like a car,
except there's no roof.
And it's not a car.
My heart is on high.
How can I be so blessed
that my subjects be so ripe
for their noble demise?
-I'm right here.
Is the boom operator
here yet?
A professional person
should be tardy for no one.
He's been here
for 20 minutes.
Let him wait 10 more.
Time is dictated
by its leader.
You look
like the hippie actor
we hired who bombed.
Yeah, it's him.
Why is he here
for the boom operator
I majored
in artistic psychology.
Mel, I'd like
a sidebar.
This makes me
very uncomfortable.
He's very intuitive.
I don't work
with attractive people.
I'm questioning
his competence.
He said he would do it
for free if you give him
a signed copy of tween jungle.
He saw tween jungle?
Welcome to the team.
Right on. Wow. Thank you.
Um, next time,
more coverage on
the wardrobe selection.
Oh, nipple. Sorry.
Both sides.
I didn't mean
to do that.
Famed documentarian
Vivian prudeck is here
for an upcoming project
concerning the surroundings
of her theories.
Look at this.
- Huh?
- Oh-ho!
-Nice, mom. Very impressive.
-She's a pro.
Just drive safe.
Oh, yeah. Very good.
Have fun!
How are you?
Okay, good. Thank you.
We have plenty.
So pass this--
do you know
what you're doing?
No, no.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
Oh, okay.
Crate of eggs.
Crate of eggs.
Hey, dad!
Hi, mama!
There's our little minnow.
You all set?
Ladies and gentlemen,
kindly welcome
Ms. Vivian prudeck.
Hello. Hello. Hi.
Happy emancipation day.
Thank you all so much.
As I think
most of you know,
my documentary project,
I do until I don't,
examines the idea
that marriage should be
a seven-year contract
with an option to renew.
Today's presentation
is not so much a performance
as it is a declaration.
In the words of Dr. coontz,
we should ban
all performance weddings
to begin with.
I'm not insinuating
that the idea--
mmm. That's where they are?
I'm saying if you build
a union on fantasy--
yeah, it's that lady.
Then it's impossible
to maintain.
I'm simply proposing
marital reform.
Reform is
an evolutionary privilege.
Uh, what's so bad
about marriage anyway?
Well, I think the convention
has merited a slightly
more complex analysis
than just saying it's "bad."
I have a question.
Um, life is hard enough.
Why not have a human constant
to go through it with?
What kind of constant
are you referring to, sir?
'Cause the only constant
that humans are capable of
is that of
a philandering nature,
Mr. constant.
-Care to comment?
-I don't know what
you're talking about.
Oh, you don't know
what you're talking about?
Wow. Guess what, Noah.
I have something
i really want to talk
to you about right now.
After all of these years,
and after everything that
we have been through,
how dare you?
What part of you
could so flagrantly...
Continue to love me wholly
despite my flaws?
Because of your flaws,
I'm your constant.
I am your constant.
No, no, no. Wait!
I'll be your constant.
And I will be yours.
-Shh! Alice!
-You promised. You said--
-oh, come off it, Vivian.
Look, no one's cheating
on anyone.
And no one's getting
a divorce.
Vivian, if I may?
And I think I speak on behalf
of everybody here.
You don't have to get married,
but let others work it out.
Don't make it worse.
We've got enough problems.
Come on, people.
You don't all believe this,
do you?
People only partake
in open relationships
for the bragging rights.
Yeah, but you're in
a bloody open relationship.
Yeah, but we've
been monogamous for,
like, six years now.
-You're a liar
and a conformist.
-Hey, what about penguins?
- They're monogamous!
- -Yeah!
Really? Penguins?
You have all
been brainwashed!
It's a ruse! "Ew! Scary!"
No, it's not scary!
Polyamory is our birthright.
-Hey, Fanny?
-Yes, Zander?
- Will you marry me?
- -What?
No! No!
You can't just-- no, you can't!
You can't just ask her
to marry you!
Milly! Oh, my god!
We gotta
get out of here!
What? What?
Milly's going into labor.
My daughter's going
to have a baby.
Yeah, now. Now.
Why would she
do that now?
It's on our way.
On your way? Really?
We'll follow you.
What are you doing,
you animal? Put me down!
Put me down, please!
What are you doing,
kissing me like that?
Stop talking.
It's quite
a nice name, egon.
You're gonna be fine.
This is really it.
So you step down.
We're just gonna get
the keys.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Go to it, babe.
-Wait a second.
Where is the damn car?
The car is in the shop.
You knew that.
You're welcome certainly
to take our car.
That's not a car even!
Sidecar has room.
I'll get her there fast.
Oh, that is significant!
You guys, I think
we should just stay here.
Is that a possibility?
What's going on?
We'll do it in the house.
Have the baby in the house.
Feels like an urgent situation.
We should just make a decision.
The baby is coming,
for crying out loud!
I'm a doula. Don't worry.
-What is a doula?
-You know, the tractor's
really safe.
- No!
- I don't wanna go anywhere!
Let's just stay here.
She wants to stay here.
Let's just stay here.
Boil some water.
- She knows what she's doing.
-She knows what she's doing?
Wait, wait.
okay, sweetie. We're gonna
do it in the house.
It's happening.
It's happening
in the house.
Chop, chop.
It's not good.
It's not good.
It's not good.
What's not good,
Ma, just... be cool.
Try the banana?
You want this banana?
No, I don't want the banana.
Oh! Baby!
We are never
selling this house.
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