I Hate Myself and Want to Die (2024) Movie Script

1
[]
[wind whistling]
[whimsical acoustic music]
[]
[]
[keys jingling]
-[engine thrumming]
-[car beeping]
[]
[seatbelt alarm dinging]
[man sighing]
Come on.
Motherfucking--
Motherfuck!
[Jacob exhaling]
[Jacob sighing]
[soft dramatic music]
[]
[Jacob grunting]
[Jacob sighing]
[Jacob] "Russell, by the time
you read this, I'll be gone.
Don't blame yourself.
You couldn't
have changed my mind.
I hereby leave you
my Friday the 13th Part 9
replica hockey mask
signed by Kane Hodder
and my Prison Escape
Hannibal Lecter Funko Pop
still in the box.
Just tell my mom
to give them to you.
And tell her I'm sorry."
[clears throat]
-[car beeping]
-[engine thrumming]
["My Death" by J. Davis]
Dead is my heart
Since you left me all alone
All the stars
That ever showed
And the dreams I've overblown
They're all dead
Lost
[crow cawing]
Like a boat wrapped
In the mist
The unclenching of a fist
The unburdening of a--
[song starting over]
[Jacob sighing]
Dead is my heart
[crow cawing]
Since you left me all alone
Fucking crow.
[crow cawing]
-Shut the fu--
-[horn honking]
[horn honking]
Dead
[Jacob sighing]
[song starting over]
[Jacob exhaling]
Dead is my heart
Since you left me all alone
All the stars
That ever shone
[crow cawing]
Are you fucking--
And the dreams
I've overblown
[crow cawing]
[Jacob laughing]
[crow cawing]
-Lost is my soul
-[crow cawing]
Uh-huh.
-Get out of here!
-[crow cawing]
-[glass shattering]
-[Jacob sighing]
The unburning of a wick
All is lost
[crow cawing]
Are you fuck--
And I remember
Everything you said
All the ways
You were [indistinct]
Oh, fuck! Fuck. Ouch.
[crow cawing]
You were my one and only
Now I'm alone and lonely
I feel so lonely
I could die
Pain, my only friend
Can you sit down--
[song starting over]
[Jacob sighing]
Dead is my heart
[bird cawing]
[speaker volume increasing]
All the stars
That ever shone
And the dreams
I've overblown
They're all dead
["Dust and Danger"
by The North]
[]
[song stopping]
Uh-huh.
"Carbon monoxide poisoning
has become extremely rare
in modern days
since the introduction
of the catalytic converter."
[sighing] Okay.
The most effective way
to painlessly poison yourself
with carbon monoxide
is burning charcoal
in a hibachi grill
and putting it in the car.
A hibachi grill?
[upbeat jazz music]
[phone ringing]
[employee]
Mission Hardware.
Yeah, hi. I was wondering
if you guys have hibachis?
[employee]
Hibachis? What's a hibachi?
Uh, it's like a-- a grill.
It's like
a small, compact barbecue.
[employee] Um, yeah.
We don't have those.
[employee]
We've only got the big grills.
Oh, my God. Uh, all right.
Well, do you know of anywhere
else that would sell them?
[employee] You could try
Shimp's Hardware. They might.
Great. Okay. Shimp's?
-[employee] Shimp's.
-Perfect.
[employee]
All right.
[phone ringing]
Yeah. H-- Hi, Mom. What is it?
[Mom]
Jacob, is that you?
Yeah. Who else would it be?
[Mom] Hang on. Something's wrong
with my phone.
-Can you hear me?
-Yes!
[phone shuffling]
[Mom] Oh, okay.
I think it's fine now.
I got these
brand new headphones,
but they're not working
or I don't know,
maybe I'm not
putting them in--
Okay. Why are you calling me?
What do you need?
[Mom]
My car. I need my car.
You-- you said
I could use it today.
[Mom]
I know I did,
but something's come up
and I need it.
Wh-- what do you mean?
What's come up?
[Mom]
Just, ugh, something.
I need to go to the drugstore.
Well, I'm kind of in the middle
of something right now.
Like, is it important?
[Mom] Okay. Well,
if you must know, I have a...
[quietly]
Urinary tract infection.
A what?
[Mom] A urinary tract infection,
okay?
So, I'm in a great deal
of discomfort at the moment.
Okay. Just drink some juice.
You'll be fine.
[Mom]
I am drinking juice.
I drank a whole bottle
of Cran-Raspberry,
which is making me have to pee
which is making everything
burn even more.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
[Mom] Listen, I've already
called the doctor.
They've got an antibiotic
waiting for me
and I just need to pick it up
before I...
[growls] Lose my mind.
Okay. All right. Fine.
Yeah, I'll--
I'll pick you up,
but then I get--
I get the car afterwards.
[Mom]
Okay. Thank you, sweetie.
I love you.
[whimsical music]
[Jacob sighing]
[horn honking]
Oh, my God.
What did you do to my car?
-What?
-The windshield.
It's shattered.
That? No,
it's like a little scratch.
You can barely see it.
I see it plain as day.
What happened?
What did you do?
I didn't do anything.
It was probably like a little
rock I kicked up from the road.
A little rock?
It looks like someone
took a baseball bat to it.
Can we just go, please?
[scoffs] I don't know.
Can you even drive it like this?
Cracks spread.
Okay. Yes, but it's very small.
I think it's totally fine.
Let's just go, please.
[]
[pills rattling]
Jesus.
What are you looking for?
Oh, this.
My Xanax.
To calm my nerves.
I think we've still got time
to go to the mechanic.
When? Today?
No, no, I need the car today.
-For what?
-I-- I have to go to Russell's.
What's so important
at Russell's?
His computer isn't working,
and he wants me to fix it.
And that's more important
than fixing my car?
Well, yeah, yeah,
because he runs his business
from his computer.
He's, like,
totally shut down right now.
Russell has a business?
Yeah, he sells stuff on eBay.
You know, like, old Pokmon
cards and comic books and stuff.
Hm, that's surprising.
I always thought he just
sat around playing video games.
Yeah, well, I mean,
he does that, too.
Hm.
So, how come you haven't
reached out to anyone else
from high school?
What do you mean? Like who?
[Mom] I don't know.
Other friends?
I didn't have other friends.
People didn't
like me in high school.
What do you mean?
Why would they not like you?
Because I was weird.
I acted weird.
[Mom]
You weren't weird.
You may have been
unconventional in some ways,
but anyway, I like weird.
Great, thank you, Mom.
I bet you had friends
you're not even thinking of.
Maybe we should look through
your old yearbook.
That could be fun.
What is this?
Why are you suddenly
so interested in my friends?
No reason. I just...
[Sue sighing]
Well, to be honest,
I'm a little worried about you.
You've been experiencing
a lot of trauma.
There's your breakup,
your failure as an artist.
Jesus Christ, Mom!
I don't mean artistic failure.
Just financial,
which is common to many artists.
Look, all I'm saying is,
maybe it wouldn't hurt if you
were speaking to a professional.
-Maybe they could prescribe
something for you.
-Oh, perfect.
Yeah, then I could take
a million fucking pills
a day like you.
I'm sorry.
That-- that was mean.
I-- I didn't mean it.
I-- I'm just in a bad mood
and I'm taking it out on you.
I apologize.
It's okay, honey.
[]
[phone ringing]
[employee]
Shimp's Hardware.
-Yeah, hi. I was wond--
-[employee] I'm sorry,
one second.
-Okay.
-[employee] Can you hold,
please?
Sure.
[upbeat waiting music playing]
Oh, my God.
Hello?
Are you fucking kidding me?
She-- God.
[sighing] All right.
[phone ringing]
Oh, hey. Russell,
why are you FaceTiming me?
Dude, 'cause I need to see you.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm-- I'm fine.
What do you mean?
[Russell] Dude, that
fucking email you sent me
is super weird.
-Like, what's up?
-[Jacob] Right, yes.
It says you're gonna be gone
by the time I read this.
Like, gone where? What are you
talking about, man?
No, no, I sent that--
Actually, you can just--
You can just totally
never mind that whole thing.
Oh, cool, never mind.
Yeah, I'll just pretend
like that didn't happen
and just carry on.
Dude, it sounds like
you're gonna hurt yourself
or some shit.
Are you, like, about
to hang yourself or something?
Are you, like, in a bathtub
with your fucking wrist
draining?
-Like, what's going on?
-No, no, I'm not.
No, no, I'm definitely not.
No, no,
that was just, like, um...
Look, here's the thing.
Um, I was thinking about
leaving town today.
You know,
just kind of getting in my car
and just going to,
like, find myself.
Like, don't you
ever think about that?
Like, getting in your car and
just going and finding
yourself?
No, not really.
Okay, well...
Look, those of us
who want more out of life
than just watching
Human Centipede all day,
we think about, like,
going away.
Okay, whatever.
A, Human Centipede's
a cool fucking movie,
so whatever.
That's a fine thing
to do with your time, too.
Like, don't be a dick, man.
I'm just checking on you.
[Jacob]
I'm not being a dick.
Like, I'm trying
to explain myself, okay?
Like, when I wrote that email,
I-- I was thinking about
going away.
But then, like,
now I changed my mind,
so I'm not going away,
so... yeah.
Okay, cool.
So you're not hurting yourself?
No, dude. No, no.
Of course not.
[Russell] All right, good.
Well, shit. Wait, hang on.
What about the mask, though?
The mask? What mask?
The Kane Hodder mask.
The Friday the 13th
replica mask signed by him.
Why would you give that to me
if you're just going
to go drive around
and play with yourself?
Yeah, you know, that,
honestly, that was just...
I thought that would be nice.
That's, yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
That's totally weird.
But, look, my mom--
I'm, like,
out at the store with my mom,
so I actually got to go.
[Russell]
Well, do you want to come over?
I actually just got a replica
sword, like a samurai sword,
the type they use in
The Walking Dead.
And the shit is
fucking straight up sharp.
Like, legit sharp.
I was, like,
fucking with it in the kitchen.
I accidentally hit the fan,
and it fucked up
one of the propellers.
It makes a weird noise now.
But anyway,
you should come over, dude.
We can hit shit with it.
Yeah, that actually
sounds really cool, man,
but I don't think I'm going to
have time, uh, to do that today.
And, look, my mom's
coming right now, so I--
I actually have to go.
[Jacob clearing his throat]
Okay. I'm all set.
I started the antibiotic,
and the Xanax is kicking in.
Okay, great. Well,
let's get you home then, huh?
Oh, we need to swing by
my sister's first.
What?
I told Christina
we'd stop by for a minute.
She just called.
Mom, I told you,
I have things I have to do.
It'll only be a short visit.
You don't do short visits.
Plus, I haven't seen
Christina yet,
so she's going to have all
these questions for me.
No, she won't.
She's dealing with
her own mess right now.
[sighing] What do you mean?
I guess
she had to ground Hayley.
So now it's just
the two of them in that house
driving each other crazy.
That's why she called.
She just wanted us to stop by.
[sighing] Okay, fine.
But I'm just going
to drop you off there,
and then Christina
can drive you home later.
Does that work?
I guess so.
Great. Okay, perfect.
Awesome.
[whimsical music]
[Mom] So, I guess Hayley
got some friend of hers
to do this tattoo
across her shoulder.
A tattoo of what?
Tyler.
[Jacob]
Tyler? What's Tyler?
Her boyfriend.
She got his name
tattooed on her.
Oof. That's a bad idea.
And this guy is just
the wrong element.
The wrong element?
What does that mean?
Well, for starters,
he's five years older than her,
and I guess this tattoo thing
was his idea,
although he didn't get
one of her,
but she just thinks
he's the greatest,
and she won't hear anything
to the contrary.
You know
how stubborn Hayley can be.
I really don't.
I barely even know her.
You know her.
I knew her when she was,
like, seven years old, Mom.
Well, she always liked you.
Maybe you could
say something to her.
[Jacob]
About what?
About this guy, this grown man
that she's running around with.
She's not going to listen to me.
Besides, I-- I told you,
I'm just dropping you off there.
[upbeat jazz music]
Okay, you're here. Uh, have fun.
Will I see you later tonight?
I-- I don't think so.
Don't wait up.
Oh, shit, there's Christina.
[Mom]
Oh, hey there.
Oh, hi.
[Mom]
Can Jacob help you with that?
That'd be great,
if he wants, yeah.
I-- I don't want to.
I don't want to.
I don't want to.
You know I don't want to.
Jacob, go help her.
-[Christina] Thank you.
-Mm-hmm.
[Jacob sighing]
-Do you know what I mean?
-I do.
-Like, no communication at all.
-Right.
-Hi, thank you.
-[Jacob] Hi.
[Christina]
Oh, I appreciate you.
It's nice to have a big,
strong guy around here.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's me,
big, strong man.
Aw, I'm so glad you stopped by.
We didn't know
when we were going to see you.
Yeah, well, here I am.
You taking
good care of your mom?
Uh, I think
I'm mostly bugging her.
That is not true.
I love having him back home.
Oh, I'm sure you do, especially
now that you're dating again.
Oh, speaking of which,
I heard you got dumped.
Oh, uh, no, no.
Actually, I broke up with her.
Oh. I'm so sorry.
I heard the other way around.
Yeah, it wasn't, though.
All right, well,
I hope you got the ring back.
Actually, there was no ring.
Well, maybe that was
the problem. That's--
Wait, so how have things
been going around here?
Oh, my God. So she's barricaded
herself in her room.
I spent the entire day calling
these tattoo removal places.
-Oh.
-You heard about the tattoo.
-Yeah, wow. Mm-hmm.
-This guy, right?
Like, it's not enough
to date her.
Right.
-He has to brand her.
-[Mom] I mean...
[Christina]
Fucking men.
Anyway,
Jacob, what are you up to?
Are you working, or?
Right-- right now, I'm kind of,
like, looking for work, so.
Actually, I saw that they're
hiring down at the Dollar Tree,
-which might...
-Okay.
...be something, you know.
Or, I mean,
there's always Foot Locker too.
-[Jacob] Right.
-Which would be fun.
-You know? Yeah.
-Yeah, right. Yeah, thank you.
Yeah, of course.
Are you still doing your--
your-- your little drawings?
No, not so much, no.
That's a shame.
We always thought you were
gonna do something with that.
Well, he did release
that one comic book.
What was it called?
Blood, Blood, and More Blood.
Yes, I do remember that, yeah.
That was dark.
[Jacob clearing his throat]
Yeah, so I think
I'm going to get going.
Oh, will you say--
say hi to your cousin
if she leaves her bunker ever?
You know, he's got things to do.
-Okay. Okay.
-So, I was hoping
maybe you'd give me
a ride back in a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, sure thing.
Of course, yeah.
-Yeah. Okay, so nice to see you.
-Oh, it's good to see you.
You, too. Well, come any time.
We'll just be here
removing tattoos...
-Uh-huh.
-...and trying not
-to kill each other.
-Oh, my God.
Okay, see you later.
-Bye, honey.
-All right, honey. Take care.
-Okay, love you.
-Yeah.
[whimsical music]
Okay. Let me just...
[phone ringing]
[employee]
Shimp's Hardware.
Yeah, hi.
Uh, I was wondering
if you guys carry hibachis,
the, like,
smaller type of grills.
[employee]
Oh, that should be aisle two.
Hello?
I'm sorry.
Can I put you on hold, please?
Oh, no, no.
Please don't put me on hold.
-[employee] Hold, please.
-Don't--
-[waiting music playing]
-Fucking shit.
[seatbelt alarm beeping]
Oh, now this
is fucking...
Just fucking--
For the love of...
Unbelievable bullshit.
[sighing] Okay. You're okay.
It's fine.
[Jacob sighing]
-Jacob.
-Jesus fuck!
-[Hayley screaming]
-What the fuck?
-[brakes screeching]
-[Hayley] Ah!
Jesus fucking Christ, Hayley,
you almost got us killed.
Sorry.
I was just trying
to get your attention.
I didn't think
you'd freak out like that.
Oh, it's my fault
for freaking out?
You're not
supposed to be in my car.
I know. I just had
to get out of that house.
My mother's trying
to lock me up in there.
She's allowed to lock you up.
She's your mom.
Look, I have
to check the damage now and...
My door won't open.
It won't open?
Oh, it's here.
Now?
Oh, it's probably
the fucking child locks.
It's like a thing.
There's a trick I always forget.
It's like, um, I hold it down.
I can never remember.
There's a whole trick.
Forget it.
Oh, Jesus.
I mean, this is perfect.
It's all scratched up and shit.
This fucking bush.
[Jacob sighing]
Okay, it's not even that bad.
Anyway, this isn't
even your car, is it?
No, it's my mom's car,
but this is the exact kind
of shit she freaks out about.
[Jacob sighing]
Well, do you think
we'll make it into town soon?
Because I have a friend
that I'm meeting.
Into town?
I'm not taking you into town.
I'm taking you back
to your mom's house, okay?
She's probably gonna freak out
when she discovers
you snuck out.
No, she's not.
She probably
hasn't even noticed.
She's gonna have
a few glasses of wine
and pass out on
the couch like always.
I don't want to hear-- I don't--
I don't want to get into
all of that kind of stuff.
I don't want to be
a part of this, okay?
Fine.
Don't be a part of it.
I'll just walk from here.
You can't just walk off
into the desert.
It's fine.
Just pretend you never saw me.
No, no.
Please, just wait, okay?
It's not safe for you
to just walk off into the...
[employee] Thank you for
holding. How can I help you?
Just wait, please.
-[employee] Hello?
-Hello, hey, hi.
Yes. I-- I was calling to see
if you guys carry
hibachi grills.
[employee]
Uh, yes. We do, sir.
Okay, great. Amazing.
Do you have a lot of them
or do you need to, like, put one
on hold for me or something?
[employee] Uh, no.
We've got quite a few.
When were
you planning to come in?
Great. Uh, now. Like, right now.
Like, you know,
as soon as possible.
[employee]
Oh. Well, we close at five,
so you're cutting it
kind of close.
Um, look, if-- if I get there
a couple minutes late,
do you think you can
just, like, stay open for me?
I'm not that far away.
[employee] Sorry, sir.
Mr. Shimp is real strict
about closing time.
Why don't you just come in
tomorrow morning?
No, no, no. I can make it.
I can make it.
Let's go.
[frantic orchestral music]
So, are you, like,
having dinner or something?
What?
Are you having a barbecue?
Like...
you know, the grill?
Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm-- I'm having
a barbecue tonight.
I love barbecue.
Can I come?
No. No, you can't.
Besides, don't you have, like,
plans or something tonight?
I do.
Yeah, I'm going to the movies.
My friend works there,
and she lets me in for free.
And I get all the popcorn
I can eat, which is a lot,
let me tell you.
I was supposed to meet up
with my boyfriend,
but he has to stay home tonight.
That's probably for the best
that you just go to the movies.
What do you mean?
I mean, you know--
No, I just, I heard about
your boyfriend, so.
What did you hear?
Just that he's, like, five years
older than you or whatever.
Yeah, so?
So that's a pretty sizable
age difference, don't you think?
No, not when you factor in how
girls mature faster than boys.
Plus, I've always been,
like, extra mature for my age.
I mean, what if I was 40
and he was, like, 45?
You wouldn't care then.
Well, no, no, because then
you wouldn't be a child, so.
I'm not a child.
I'm a grown woman.
-[chuckling] Yeah.
-What?
Well, I mean,
it's just you look like a--
like a girl. Like, yeah.
Okay, well, I'm not.
I'm fully grown.
What, are you trying
to body shame me?
No, no, no, sorry.
No, I'm not.
Anyway, I'm not the one
who had to move back home
when he was, like, 30.
Kind of old to be living
with mommy, don't you think?
Yeah, yeah.
Way too old.
[]
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, please, please, please.
Wait, wait, wait.
We're closed.
Wait, I just talked
to you guys on the phone.
Please, I--
Please-- please let me in.
We close at five o'clock
on the nose every day.
No, no, no, no! Wait.
Look, it's 4:58.
It's 4:58.
It's five o'clock. On the nose.
Wait, please.
I am asking you, please.
Just-- I will be so fast.
I know exactly what I want.
It's right there.
Just a hibachi grill.
I can see it. I will--
I will be gone in a second.
And I'll pay-- I'll pay in cash.
I'll pay in ca--
I'll give you extra.
You can have all of this.
I don't care.
Please, man.
I'm-- I'm asking you, please.
Sorry. It's five o'clock.
Past five now.
Hey, fuck you!
And fuck your little store!
Asshole!
What the hell are you
doing to my store, man?
That's my door.
I hung that door.
-Now you're kicking it?
-No, I-- Yes.
Yes. I'm sorry.
I-- I'll never kick
your door again, I'm sorry.
You're goddamn right you won't.
I'll kick your fucking ass.
Get out of here.
Don't come back.
I'm not selling you
that hibachi, ever.
[door closes]
[Jacob]
This is, um...
the worst day
of my fucking life.
[Jacob sighing]
I'm sorry.
I mean,
that guy was such a jerk.
Like...
Hey, you know what we should do?
We should go on Yelp
and give them, like,
the worst review ever.
We'll give them one star
and say we wish we could
give them zero stars
because that's how bad
their service was.
Oh, wait, look.
They literally already
have less than three stars.
[scoffs]
We can totally destroy them.
Okay,
what do you want me to write?
Um, I don't really care.
I, uh-- I just
wanna get out of here.
[clears throat]
Where'd you say you wanna go?
To the movie theater.
Really? You'll take me?
Yeah, why not?
Cool.
[laid-back music]
[]
[Hayley]
So, is the town different now?
-Has it changed?
-[Jacob] No, not really.
It's pretty much
the same as it was.
I guess the comic book store
is gone now.
I read your comic book,
by the way.
It was good. Dark.
Yeah.
A little too dark, I guess.
So, is that
what you were doing in LA?
Like, comic book stuff, mostly?
No. I mean, not really.
Not for work, at least.
I was working at a shitty
restaurant until that closed,
and then I was working at
a different shitty restaurant.
Ooh.
So, is that why you had to
come back home? Because of work?
It was part of the reason,
I guess. Yeah.
[Hayley]
What's the other part?
Look, can we not
do this right now?
I don't wanna get into,
like, all this shit.
Okay.
[Jacob sighs]
I moved back because
I found out that my girlfriend,
who was also my fianc
and roommate,
was cheating on me.
Yeah.
-That sucks.
-Yeah.
-I'm sorry.
-It's whatever.
I mean, you know, it happens.
Or I guess it happened to me.
You know, I actually might
move to LA after high school.
I mean, Tyler and I
are talking about it, anyway.
Really?
-Why?
-For fashion.
Los Angeles has some, like,
really good fashion schools
that I kind of wanna go to.
Fashion as in, like--
like, clothing and stuff?
Yeah, like clothing.
You know,
I make all my own clothes.
I mean, I made everything
I'm wearing right now.
I, like, buy all the fabrics,
do the measurements,
sketch everything out, you know?
That's-- that's
actually very cool.
I'm-- I'm impressed.
You know,
you're actually kind of the one
who got me into drawing.
-Me?
-Yeah.
When I was a kid, you used to
come babysit, and we drew, like,
fairies and dragons
and elves and whatever.
No. No, no, no, no.
I never drew
nerdy shit like that.
Yes, you did.
I remember you drew this,
like, um--
Uh, like, what are
the horses with wings?
-A pegasus.
-Yeah.
No, no, I've never drawn
a pegasus in my life.
You literally did.
I remember it specifically.
I don't know what to tell you.
I mean, look, it just--
That doesn't sound like me, so.
Well, yeah,
it doesn't sound like you now.
But, I mean, you were
a lot different back then.
Less dark.
Really?
[clears throat]
I'm darker now?
Mm-hmm.
[clears throat]
[intriguing music]
[Hayley]
Wait, uh, pull in here.
-[Jacob] Here?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Jacob] Uh,
this is not the movie theater.
[Hayley] I know,
just park for a second.
Uh, okay, I'm sorry,
but what are we doing here?
I need you to get me
some alcohol.
You want me
to buy you booze now?
Oh, great.
Don't make a big deal out of it.
Tyler usually gets it for me,
but he's not around tonight, so.
Right, I just feel like
I did a nice thing for you
and now
you're really pushing it.
Okay, I just thought I'd ask.
You can say no.
Oh, great, then no.
Obviously no.
[Hayley] Okay, fine.
I'll just ask someone else.
I'm sure there's some
rapey-looking dude around here
who would be dying
to help out a young girl...
Oh, my God. Okay. All right.
All right. Great, okay, yes,
I'll do it. What do you want?
Vodka. Thank you.
Hold on a second.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's fine. It's on me.
[car approaching]
[car doors open, close]
[tense music]
You go-- No, you go ahead.
[Jacob]
[sighs] Okay.
Vodka. And it's top-shelf stuff,
so you're welcome.
Yeah, thanks.
Seriously? [stammers]
I was kind of expecting
some gratitude.
You know, I'm, like, committing
a crime buying that for you.
Sorry, there's just
something going on here.
[Jacob]
Uh, what are you talking about?
[sighs] My boyfriend
and his roommate just
went into the liquor store.
Okay. So?
So he said he was
staying home tonight.
He has, like, work early or
something, so he has to sleep.
Right, so then, what,
he changed his mind
or they went to get beer
or something?
I've been texting with him
this whole time.
He didn't say anything
about getting beer.
-Shit! Here they come.
-What are you doing?
-I'm ducking down.
-Why?
Because I don't
want them to see me!
Oh, my God! Do you see
what they're carrying?
[Jacob]
What, just beer?
[Hayley] No, it's beer
and a box of wine.
[Jacob] Uh, so?
My boyfriend doesn't
drink boxed wine.
Right, so then
the roommate's drinking it.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Do they really look
like the kind of guys
who are drinking wine
out of a fucking box?
Okay, yes,
I get your point, but...
-Start the car.
-What?
Start the car!
We have to follow them.
I'm not following them,
I have stuff I have to do.
Jacob, come on!
I have to know where
they're going with that wine.
Okay. Fine.
We will follow the wine,
but I just wanna go on record
saying this is
completely ridiculous.
Okay, you're on record!
Let's go.
[]
I can't believe
this is happening to me.
[Jacob] Nothing has happened,
okay? We're just following him.
[Hayley] Can you hurry up?
They're getting so far ahead.
[Jacob] This is the speed limit,
and I'm driving it.
Okay, well,
we're gonna lose them.
Can I just say that this is
very bad relationship etiquette?
Okay? It's kind of on,
like, the stalker spectrum.
I mean, how--
how bad are you gonna feel when
this turns out to be nothing?
[Hayley] It's not nothing.
Boxed wine is not nothing.
Can you hurry up?
They're so far ahead.
[Jacob]
Oh, my God, that's kind of the
point when you're tailing them!
You want a good distance
between you and them.
-[Hayley] Okay, take a right.
-Okay.
Where'd he go?
[Hayley] I told you
you were going too slow!
[Jacob]
Left or right?
[Hayley] Left.
Shit.
-I don't see them.
-[Hayley] Me neither.
Oh, oh, oh! Right up here.
-Is that him?
-No, that's not his truck.
[Jacob] Oh, oh, oh!
Right up there.
No, that's also not his truck.
[Jacob] How many fucking white
trucks are in this neighborhood?
[Hayley] Well,
how are we gonna find him?
[Jacob]
I-- I don't-- I don't know!
He obviously stopped
at one of these houses.
[Jacob] I mean, is it possible
they parked in a garage?
I don't know. I mean, maybe.
[Jacob]
Oh, wow.
That's them, right?
Yep. That's him.
So you have no idea
who lives there?
Nope.
Could it be his parents?
No. They live across town.
-Maybe it's--
-And he doesn't have
any brothers or sisters.
So what do you wanna do?
I don't know. I just have to
know what's going on in there.
Okay.
[muffled dance music playing]
[knocking on door]
[knocking on door]
-Hi.
-Hello.
-Who are you?
-I-- uh, I'm your neighbor.
I'm trying to find my cat.
Oh, you lost your kitty?
Yeah, yeah, so I thought
I would come over here
and ask if you'd seen him.
No, I haven't.
Maybe you could ask some of your
friends if they've seen him?
Okay, let me ask. Hey,
have any of you guys seen a cat?
This guy's cat's missing.
-[man] No.
-[woman] A cat? No.
No one's seen him.
But we'll keep an eye out.
What does he look like?
He's orange.
Uh, yeah, he's orange
and white and black.
[woman]
Oh, so he's a calico.
[Jacob] Yes, yes!
He's a calico.
What's, uh,
What's going on, babe?
Oh, this guy lost his cat,
so I was trying to find out
-what he looks like
so we could look for him.
-Yeah.
-[woman] Poor little guy.
-Yeah.
Is that your car?
That-- Yes, that is--
No, no, that is not my car.
No, no, no, no.
I walked here from my house.
I-- I drive a similar car,
but I walked here from my home.
Where's your home?
Just-- just right over there.
You live with the Milchecks?
The Milchecks? No, no--
Oh, no, no, exactly. Right.
No, I'm right behind
the Milchecks. It's--
The Milchecks are there, and
then I'm right at the kitty--
kitty corner from them.
-Okay.
-Hmm.
Okay, great. Well, thank you
guys so much for your time,
and if you see little Edgar,
please bring him home.
[chuckles awkwardly]
All righty, have a good one.
[giggles] Come on.
[Jacob]
Uh, what are you doing?
I saw him with her.
[Jacob] No, no, no, wait.
Can we talk? Please?
["The Comeback"
by Jonezen playing]
Only one thing I gotta know
now
So are you ready
For the comeback
-Hayley.
-Fucking bastard!
-[Tyler] Fuck!
-Fuck you!
And you too, bitch.
-Yeah, you better fucking run!
-Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Fuck all of you! [spits]
Let me see them hands up
All the way front-back
So sorry about that.
Are you ready
For the comeback
Now I see you
With your bad self
Can you hurry up?
Jesus fucking Christ.
That was completely insane.
-Are you completely insane?
-Can we just go?
Gladly.
[intriguing music]
You know I don't even know
where we're going right now?
That was kind
of a lot back there.
You might wanna seek
professional counseling
or something.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
You've got to be kidding me.
Baby. Baby, don't go.
Hey, can you not do that?
This is my mom's car.
Shut up, dickhead!
Look, look. Hayley,
I don't know
what you thought you saw,
but whatever it is,
you're wrong.
I saw you kiss her, asshole!
Her-- her?
I don't care about her.
I don't even know her name.
Fuck. You.
Well-- Just talk about this.
Be-- be fucking civil.
I don't wanna talk to you.
-Drive.
-[Jacob] Yeah.
-[car door opens]
-[Jacob sighs]
Hayley, I love you.
You know that.
Really? If you loved me,
you wouldn't have
kissed another girl.
I kissed her once.
Yo, come on, man.
You guys were making out.
Your tongue was down her throat.
Shut up, man!
Yo, who is this guy?
My new boyfriend.
What do you care?
I'm not her boyfriend.
Baby, you can't throw away
everything we built
because of one little kiss.
You know what? I'm not
listening to this shit anymore.
[Tyler]
It was one little kiss!
Dude, you're fucking dead.
Yo, what's up with this door?
[sighs] It's the child locks.
I think I have to let you out.
-Well, fucking do it.
-You know what? Yeah, yeah.
[seatbelt alarm beeping]
Hurry up!
-You suck, dude.
-[Jacob] No, I know.
[Hayley] Listen, I don't wanna
fucking talk to you!
-[Tyler] No, look, just--
-[Hayley] Don't touch me.
You're a fucking liar!
Literally everything
you've ever said
-to me is a fucking lie.
-[Tyler] No, no--
[chiming stops]
[argument continues
indistinctly]
[solemn music]
[]
Okay.
Let's go.
Okay, great. Let's do it.
[intense music]
No. Nope.
No! Get back!
-Oh, my God.
-Back up.
Stop the car, motherfucker!
-You've got to cut the wheel.
-[Jacob] What?
-Cut the wheel!
-[Jacob] Okay!
[tires screeching]
-Go forward!
-Yes, yes, yes, yes.
[engine revving]
[Tyler]
Hayley! Come back!
Fuck.
-Ooh, wow!
-[laughing] Oh, my God.
You did it.
I did it, didn't I?
[Hayley]
That was amazing.
Holy shit.
[Hayley]
You know what?
We definitely
fucking deserve this.
[Jacob]
Oh, shit.
[coughing]
Okay. Yes.
Ugh! That is not good.
That's not good.
[Jacob clears throat]
-[car horn blaring]
-Jesus Christ!
This guy doesn't quit!
[]
Pull over the car, motherfucker!
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Bitch, pull over.
Don't stop!
Whatever you do, don't stop.
-Take a right.
-Take a right?
Take a right!
-[tires screeching]
-Fuck! Shit.
Damn.
-[Hayley] Okay, turn in here.
-[Jacob] Where? Here--
-[Hayley] Here!
-[Jacob] Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
-[car approaching]
-Is that him?
[exhales]
Okay, that was, um...
possibly the scariest thing
that's ever happened in my life.
So that's great.
What is this place?
[Hayley] I don't know.
A construction site?
[air hissing softly]
Do you hear that?
What?
That, like, hissing sound.
[hissing continues]
Yeah. Sounds like
it's coming from outside.
Let's go see what it is.
[hissing continues]
It's coming from here.
-Do you have a light?
-[Jacob] Yes.
Oh, shit. It's flat.
Yeah. We ran over a nail.
So what, are we stranded here?
I don't know.
Do you have a spare?
I don't know, maybe?
[sighs]
Uh...
Yeah, so I guess
I don't have a spare.
Oh, that's--
Oh, right! Yes, that.
Yes. See, okay, yeah.
I have one. Yeah.
Do you wanna change it,
or should I?
I got this cut on my thumb,
so I feel like maybe you--
you do this one,
-I'll do the next one
kind of deal.
-[Hayley sighing]
Oh, my God. He's back.
Fuck! I knew he would be.
Does he have
a fucking spotlight?
Yeah, he uses it for hunting.
[Jacob] Hunting? We gotta
get the fuck out of here.
-I have to get my purse.
-What? No, just leave it.
I can't, it has my phone.
[intense music]
[Jacob] Psst!
Hayley, come-- come on!
Come on, come on,
come on, come on!
[]
[Tyler]
Hayley, come back here!
-[Jacob] Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!
-[Tyler] I love you!
-Let's go, let's go!
-[Hayley] Jesus Christ.
Fuck-- Go!
[Jacob] Oh,
look out for the mattress.
[Hayley] Ew!
-Come on!
-[Jacob] I'm older than you.
Oh, great.
-Here.
-Oh, okay.
Uh, actually,
this appears to be-- Yep. Okay.
Here you go.
[phone buzzes]
Okay. Russell's on his way.
[phone chimes]
What is it?
He keeps texting me.
"We can work it out. It was
just one little kiss." [scoffs]
Maybe he's right.
Maybe I was overreacting.
Come on. No. No, it was
not one little kiss, okay?
And who knows how much other
stuff they've done together?
I mean, maybe they've been
secretly boning for months.
Yeah, you can never
trust him ever again.
And you'll never know the truth.
The whole fuckin' thing
is fucked.
[Hayley sobbing]
Oh, God. I-- I'm sorry.
I-- I shouldn't
have said anything.
No, you're right.
You're totally right.
[sobs]
Um...
Uh, I'm sorry. I--
Look, I--
I don't know what you need.
I-- I'm really bad
at this kind of thing.
It's fine.
There's nothing you can do.
My life's just
fucking falling apart.
Oh, I-- I think
everything's gonna work out.
No, it won't. It's shit.
Everything's shit!
Okay, all right, let's
maybe keep it down, I think,
'cause he's, like,
probably still in the area.
I fucking hate him.
We were planning our, like,
whole life together.
We even talked
about having kids.
Four of them.
Four? That's a lot.
And I have his fucking name
written on me.
[sighs] Look.
Yeah. That is not... great.
But you could cover it up,
change it.
You could make it say...
"Steven Tyler."
Or "Tyler the Creator."
[Hayley sighing]
Yeah.
God, I just feel so stupid.
I mean, how could
I not know he was like that?
No, no, no.
You can't blame yourself.
People just show you
the sides of themselves
that they want you to see.
You know, like, they act all
nice and like they love you
and like
they'll always be there,
and they just fuckin'
don't give a shit,
and they just sneak around
behind your back.
Is that what
your girlfriend did to you?
Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.
What happened?
I really don't wanna, um,
get into the whole thing,
but, um, I caught her with
another guy in our bedroom.
They were naked.
Wow.
[Jacob] Yep.
It was not awesome.
You know,
there's this whole idea that
bad things happen to you,
but they make you stronger
or more resilient or something.
But sometimes bad things just
happen that fucking break you.
And there's not, like, a silver
lining. It's just fucking bad.
Well...
that was probably
the worst pep talk ever given.
[chuckles] Yeah.
Yeah. That's true.
But, look, I'm sure
you'll handle it better than me.
I'm a fucking disaster.
I mean, and you're this,
like, amazing person.
What? You don't even know me.
I know you. I mean,
I taught you to draw, didn't I?
You don't even remember.
You know what I do remember?
Is that you were
the sweetest kid.
You always wanted
to share with me,
even when it was stuff I didn't
want you to share with me,
like the cookie you were eating
or the ice cream cone,
which, frankly,
I found disgusting.
[laughs]
My point is,
you're a good person.
You don't deserve this bullshit.
[car approaching]
-That's Russell.
-[car horn honking]
All right, you can stop honking.
-[car horn honks]
-All right, let's go.
[Hayley] Okay.
[groovy music playing on stereo]
-What's up?
-Jesus Christ, Russell.
-What the fuck?
-Oh, shit, my bad, dude.
Yeah, I guess it's a lot.
-[Jacob coughing]
-Here, I can roll a window down.
No, don't worry about
the window, man.
Don't worry about the window.
-Let's go.
-I'll roll it down. You're the
one making a big deal out of it.
-[Jacob coughs]
-Oh, fuck. Jesus, dude.
-Can we just go, please?
-Okay, well, how about, "Thanks
for picking me up, Russell"?
-Okay, thank you for
picking me up, Russell.
-Can you hold this real quick?
-Yeah, sure.
-I'll hold it.
-[Jacob] No, no, no, no, no--
-Oh, yeah, help yourself.
[Jacob]
Don't help yourself, please!
You're gonna get all fucked up.
You had, like,
the vodka and everything.
-Oh, shit, you guys got vodka?
-No, they're-- Probably, yes.
-Okay, cool.
-No. Can we just go, please?
-[seatbelt alarm beeping]
-Yes, we can go.
Put your seatbelt on
so it stops doing
the dingy thing, man.
Dude, these seatbelt fucking
alarms are driving me insane.
Yeah, okay, well, then put
your seatbelt on. There's,
like, a cure for the sound.
-Okay, thank you so much.
-You gonna act all
whatever about it--
-[Jacob] No,
I appreciate your concern.
-It's, like, obvious. Like,
okay, then move to
fuckin' New Hampshire
and you don't have to worry
-about motorcycle helmets.
-Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That's him.
-That's who?
-Fuck.
That's her crazy boyfriend.
He's been following us
around all night
trying to fucking kill us.
-Wait, what now?
-Just act normal.
-Act normal. Act fucking normal!
-Act-- What--
I am fucking normal!
-Get down, act fucking normal!
-I am a normal person.
[Jacob] Fuck.
[rock music playing on stereo]
Hi. Can I, uh--
[clears throat] Can I help you?
Yeah, man, have you seen
two people go by here?
Uh... no, man.
[Tyler] You didn't see a girl
with a skinny weird-ass dude?
Weird-ass? How am I a weird-ass?
Shut the-- Uh, no, man.
No, we haven't seen anybody.
Or, I mean, I haven't seen
anybody. I'm just chilling solo.
You know,
I haven't seen anybody, so.
I-- But no is the answer.
So, yeah, what--
what are you doing out here?
Just chilling,
you know what I'm saying?
Doing a little me time,
you know what I'm saying?
They say it's, like, good for,
um, you know, like, meditating.
You know, I got an app.
It just sucks, man,
'cause this girl, man,
she's the love of my life,
and she's gone off her meds,
man, and I don't know
what she might do to herself.
Meds? I'm not on fucking meds.
I mean, you know, she'll
probably just be chillin'.
You know, some-- you know, s--
You can tex-- you know,
call her. Or don't call.
You know, whatever, man.
Hearts find a way, you know?
True love finds a way and shit.
What kind of-- is that a Tundra?
-What--
-[Jacob coughing]
[Russell coughing loudly]
[both coughing]
-[Tyler] Are you okay?
-What? Yeah, I'm good, man.
It's just, you know,
uh, fuckin', uh, flu season.
You know, variants and shit.
[Jacob coughs]
-[coughs] Shut the fuck up.
-[Jacob] Sorry.
-Who are you talking to?
-Oh, no, man.
I thought it was Linkin Park.
I got hyped, started singing.
False alarm.
Cool light, man. Is that a Mag?
Is that a Maglite?
Oh, fuck, he's getting out.
Hang on. Uh, ah-- Fuck.
I mean, what's the deal, man?
What's the problem?
Yo, dude,
I wanna look in your car.
Well, don't. I mean-- Yo, man!
Fuck, what are you,
a cop or something, man?
-Chill out.
-What do you have to hide?
I told you there's nothing
in the car. Nothing to hide.
-Bullshit.
-No, look, all right, all
right, all right. You're right.
This is bullshit. It's bullshit.
The girl you were talking about,
your girlfriend?
-Yeah.
-Long brown hair
-kind of thing?
-Yeah.
I swear, a few minutes
before you got here,
I saw-- I'm pretty certain
I saw her walk into
that park down there.
Why didn't
you just tell me that?
Because you came in all
like Captain Road Rage, man.
Scared the shit out of me.
I don't know.
I don't wanna get mixed up
in some weird stuff.
-You're bullshitting.
-There's nothing in the car.
I'm looking in your car, man,
whether you like it or not.
-There's nothing in my car.
There's nothing in my car.
-[phone buzzing]
Just chill.
Well, what is it?
Uh, she texted me.
-Okay.
-She wants to meet in the park.
What did I tell you? [chuckling]
Hey, uh, I'm sorry, man.
Yeah, no problem, man.
-I'm sorry about that.
-Okay.
Good grip.
I'll be thinking about you guys.
I hope she gets her meds, man.
[mumbling]
You get your fuckin' meds.
Well, you're welcome.
Russell saves the day
once again. So, whatever.
Okay, with a little help
from the girl in the backseat.
A little help?
You helped that guy
not get his ass whooped.
-That's what happened.
-Ass whooped?
By you?
Yeah, man,
I was taller than him.
And, you know, whatever, dude.
You were gonna kick his ass?
Yeah, man,
I was about to lay down
some five-finger death punch
type shit on him.
You know what I'm saying?
Like Bruce Lee's still water
shit or whatever.
-Right.
-Yeah, well,
I don't remember anybody else
doing shit in
a crisis situation like I did.
I was the only guy in the car
that actually did something.
Okay, I was the weakest link.
I don't know. The smoke
was getting to me. I'm sorry.
Aww...
Well, are your little
baby lungs better now?
Why don't you indulge?
No, no, no.
Weed gets me all fucked up.
It only makes you fucked up.
Isn't that--
that's kind of the point of it.
-Right.
-What is this?
Oh, shit,
that's my samurai sword.
Dude, that's the one
I was telling you about.
-The fucking one-- the one--
-Jesus Christ.
Oh, shit, yeah,
be careful with that.
That's legit sharp, man.
It'll cut your finger.
-Oh.
-[laughing]
Well, it'll cut any part
of your body, really,
but it's just sharp
is the point.
Okay, so what's the point
of having it then?
'Cause I look pimp as fuck
when I got on my kimono
and I'm swinging it
around my place?
I mean,
do you know how to use it?
How do you not know
how to use it?
It's a fucking sword.
You poke someone with it and
their guts and shit fall out.
-It's pretty straightforward.
-Okay.
Here, why don't you take this?
-Nah.
-Yeah, okay, you know what?
-Don't.
-Yes.
-Fuck it. Fuck it.
-Let Calgon take you away.
There you go.
Oh, this dude's
fucking sick right here.
-There you go.
-Oh, God.
-Oh, God.
-Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
You sound like
that lady who fell out
of that bucket of grapes.
[both groaning]
Yeah, that's true. That's true.
[laughing]
[metal music playing]
[music stops]
Nice.
All right, guys.
-Thanks for the ride.
-Oh, yeah.
-And the weed.
-Oh, yeah.
-No problem.
-Well, actually, fuck this.
We should just go to a bar.
Let's get shots or something.
No, she's literally a minor.
We're still dropping her off.
Fucking duh.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
You're not a human yet.
-Um...
-It's okay, Russell.
We'll go on drinking next time.
Bye, you guys.
-Have fun tonight.
-Okay.
Bye.
-[sighing]
-Hang on.
This is her weird
mushroom purse thing or what?
-Yo, you forgot your, uh--
-[shushing]
-What?
-Give it to her.
Yes, I'm going to. Okay.
And use your
fucking library voice, maybe.
That's fucking hot.
Hayley. Hey, hey.
Forgot this.
Thanks. Sorry. I don't know
why I keep forgetting my purse.
Yeah. No, it's a crazy night.
Uh, okay.
[Hayley] Hey, um...
Thanks for, like,
dealing with all my crazy drama.
Oh, yeah. Don't worry
about it. It's nothing.
[Hayley] No, it's not nothing.
I mean, honestly,
I don't know what I would
have done without you.
[Jacob] Ah...
Oh.
Uh...
You do know how to hug
a person, right?
Yes. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Okay.
Thank you.
You know, I'm really glad
I came out tonight.
Seeing you again
and you being out in the world.
I think you're... Oh, fuck.
[Christina] Jesus Christ.
There you are.
Where the fuck have you been?
Just out, Mom.
Don't make a big deal out of it.
Actually,
it is a big deal, Hayley,
because you're not even supposed
to leave the fucking house.
And what the fuck
are you doing here?
Hayley got, like,
hid in the back of my car
when I was here earlier,
so I was just bringing her home.
That's true, okay?
I hid in the back of his car.
He had no idea.
Okay, that was hours ago.
What have you two been doing?
-Nothing.
-[Hayley] Nothing.
Oh, my God,
you guys reek of fucking weed.
-Are you high?
-No.
-Oh, my God,
let me see your eyes.
-Mom, stop.
-Jesus, stop.
-Oh, my God,
you got her fucking high?
No, I mean, not really.
[Russell] Hayley,
you forgot your vodka.
I mean, unless you don't
want it, I'm down to take--
-Fuck. Oh, fuck.
-[glass smashing]
Um... never mind.
[car door shutting]
Who the fuck is that?
That is Russell.
Russell had to give us a ride
when Jacob's car broke down.
Yeah, and then
we came right here.
We were not partying,
I promise you.
Mom, literally Jacob
didn't do anything wrong, okay?
He's telling the truth.
-Go inside right now.
-Mom, it's not his fault.
Go to your room right now.
Just go inside.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You got my daughter high?
She's a child, Jacob.
-You're supposed to be
the adult here.
-I was.
We weren't partying or whatever.
We were tailing her boyfriend
who we caught cheating.
Turns out he's kind of a creep.
Oh, my God, really?
He's a creep?
The 22-year-old pederast
that my daughter is dating
is a fucking creep?
Do you hear the words that
are coming out of your mouth?
Yeah, yeah, I do. Yeah, sorry.
Oh, my God, Jacob,
you've got to grow up.
You are a 30-year-old man,
and you still act
like a goddamn child.
You live at home.
You sponge off your mother.
You know, she was actually
doing really well
before you came back.
She was finally getting
her life together.
Do you even care?
Do you know that?
No, of course not.
Who cares if your mother
is fucking miserable
as long as you get to stay
in her house, in her basement,
and draw your little
fucking cartoon characters.
You're right.
Oh, I know I'm right.
So if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go inside.
I'm gonna deal with
my drunken, drugged-up daughter.
But this isn't over.
Not by a mile.
[soft, downcast instrumental]
[clearing throat]
You okay, man? That lady
was leaning into you hard.
Oh, yeah, that was totally fine.
[Russell]
Yeah, it seems super fine.
For real, you okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I'm good.
Well, I don't know. Do you wanna
go get drinks or something?
Uh, I actually just kind
of wanna get back to the car
and kind of deal
with that stuff.
I'll pay.
I'll pay for the drinks.
-Yeah, look...
-A few of them, anyway.
I appreciate that.
But, yeah, no,
I'm all funned out, I think.
I just kind of wanna call it.
Actually, good,
because I don't have money
for your drinks anyway.
[quiet, quirky instrumental]
Oh, my god. I gotta piss.
-What?
-I gotta piss.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna pull over.
What, now?
-Yeah,
I don't set a timer on my dick.
-Hold it.
Hold it. Please do.
We're almost there.
Fuck that.
My body, my choice, man.
Oh, come on. Dude,
we're in a residential area.
You're gonna go piss
in someone's yard?
[Russell] Yeah, pretty much.
-[Jacob] Great, terrific.
-[Russell] Or between
a dumpster or some shit.
I'm not a fucking animal.
[Jacob] Oh, this is awesome.
This is just terrific.
[Russell]
You're being all weird about it.
I gotta pee. Whatever.
[Jacob sighing]
[soft, sneaky instrumental]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, dude.
My puddle was so big,
I had to keep moving my feet.
Hey, actually,
just wait a second.
I gotta go do something.
-Wait, do what?
-I gotta get something
out of that garage.
Just keep the engine running.
You can't go in that garage.
That's somebody's shit.
[]
[hibachi lid squeaking]
[muffled sounds of television]
[clattering]
[door creaking]
What the hell are
you doing in my garage, boy?
Look, it's an emergency.
I need this charcoal, and I--
I need the little grill, too.
Oh, but you're not taking
my weenie roaster, son.
Wait, wait, please, look.
I can pay, okay?
Look, we can work something out.
Oh, we'll work
something out, all right.
[woman]
Curtis, bring the Widowmaker.
Hoo!
-[sighing in relief]
-[gun cocking]
You son of a bitch.
That's my hibachi, motherfucker!
Russell, open the door!
Open the door!
Open the fucking door!
What the fuck?
[overlapping shouting]
Why is the car off?
Because I was
trying to save gas.
-[Jacob] Drive! Drive! Drive!
-[Russell] Okay! All right!
Go, he's pissed.
He's got a shotgun.
[woman] Fuck you! Come on, baby.
-[gunshot]
-Shit.
What the fuck?
Dude, they're shooting at us!
-Bro, what the hell?
-Drive! Drive!
Drive! Jesus.
What was-- What the hell?
I fucking did it.
Did fucking what?
Did you steal that shit?
-What is that, a little grill?
-It's a hibachi. Yes.
What do you need a hibachi for?
For fucking barbecuing.
Risk our lives
for that bullshit? Cool.
Yes, yes.
For-- I want a barbecue.
I want a barbecue.
Oh, well, that's understandable.
[Rusell] Dude,
you make no sense.
[Jacob] Yeah, yeah, I know.
Really appreciate your help,
man. Thank you.
I just went down this rabbit
hole and watched all these,
it's like these British
teenagers changing tires on
YouTube,
and I just watched
like a buttload of them.
But you should watch it, man.
These kids watch
like Formula One and shit,
-so they're all about
tires or whatever.
-Nice.
I'm gonna grab the hibachi.
Cool.
Wheel's in the back, right?
[Jacob]
Yeah, it's under the panel.
[Russell] Yo, man,
what is this stuff?
What's what?
All this hardware shit.
Oh, uh, I don't know.
I guess it's my mom's.
It's not your mom's.
Look, you got this today.
It's even got
your name on it from today.
Oh, yeah, I don't know.
It's like hardware stuff.
Dude, this is like
suicide supplies.
-It's for killing yourself.
-No, no, no, no.
It's not. It's actually not.
Yeah, it is.
You got the tapes
and the pipes and shit.
That's to pump exhaust
back into the car, man.
I know how this shit works.
I watch CSI.
Dude, you don't know what
you're talking about right now.
You sound crazy.
It's not crazy. You... [sighing]
You sent me that e-mail
saying you were leaving town.
You weren't leaving town.
You were leaving everything,
apparently.
Okay, dude, look.
Just believe whatever
you wanna believe, okay?
Yeah, well, what about
the Friday the 13th mask?
There's no reason
you would give that to me.
That thing's worth,
like, a buttload, okay?
And your Hannibal Lecter
Funko Pop?
Like, there's no reason
to give that to me
if you're not gonna
kill yourself.
That doesn't make any--
I'm not stupid, okay?
Okay, you caught me, yes.
I was thinking
about killing myself.
Okay? But I...
[sighing]
I decided against it.
Okay, and what
made you decide that?
You know,
I just kind of realized
that life is good
and worth living.
That's bullshit, dude.
I don't believe you.
Okay, so you don't believe me.
I mean, what do you
want me to do about it?
Look, I know you're
going through a thing,
but you just gotta think about
all the nice stuff in life, man.
That makes
it worth living, okay?
You should be grateful
right now, dude.
Oh, yeah, okay, yeah,
because my life's so great.
I had to move back in
with my mom.
Do you know how fucking
humiliating that is?
I live with my mom.
Yeah, but it's not the same.
I was gonna get married.
I was gonna have
a family and a career.
My-- I--
My comic book sold
like two copies, okay?
And now
I'm living with my mom again,
and I'm pissing her off,
and my aunt's pissed off at me
and thinks I'm fucking up
her daughter's life,
which I probably am.
No, you're obviously not.
You were helping her, man,
and your mom's happy
you're back in town.
-She told me.
-Even if she said that,
she doesn't mean it, okay?
Everyone would be a lot
better off if I wasn't around.
[scoffs]
Not me.
[Jacob] Especially you.
You'd be way happier, man.
All I do is put you down.
No, you don't.
Like, you're just in
a funk right now, man,
and you're just depressed,
and before you know it, like,
you're just gonna be
pumped up and happy again,
so just, like, wait for that.
Yeah, I'll be happy when
I'm fucking dead and gone
and don't have to worry
about all this bullshit.
Yeah, well,
I thought you decided
against killing yourself.
[scoffs] Yeah, no, I did.
Of course, dude.
I just-- Look, I wanna just...
pack all this shit up
and go home, okay?
No, man, I can't
let you leave like this.
Like what? I told you I'm fine.
You're obviously not fine.
You're all depressed and weird
with suicide supplies.
It's not what they are,
and regardless, I'm leaving.
All right, well, then
I'll just call the police then.
[Jacob scoffs]
You're gonna call the police.
Yeah, great, yeah.
You're gonna call the police
and tell them what?
I think my friend
wants to kill himself,
even though I asked him,
and he specifically told me
he doesn't want to.
Good luck with that, Russell.
Okay, just go home, man.
[quiet, sneaky instrumental]
Russell?
I'm not letting
you get in that car, man.
[scoff] Dude...
have you completely
lost your mind?
Maybe, but I'm not
letting you leave, man.
This shit's real, man.
It'll cut right through you.
So you're gonna kill me
to stop me from killing myself?
No, but I'll fuck you up.
You know what I mean?
A little bit.
Yeah, okay, this is ridiculous.
-[sword clanging]
-Jesus Christ!
This is my mama's car.
-Fuck your mom!
-Yeah, okay.
-Whoa.
-Oh, yeah.
Uh-oh.
-Oh, yeah? Not so tough now?
-Chill! Chill! Chill!
Not so tough now?
Yeah, someone else
has a weapon now.
-Not so tough now, you fucker.
-Chill the fuck out, man.
-I'm trying to help you, man.
-You want me
to chill the fuck out?
-You have a sword.
-Yes. Yeah, duh, 'cause I don't
want you to kill yourself.
Okay, are we good?
Can I fuck off, please?
-Dude, I'm trying
to help you, you dickhead.
-Okay, okay.
We're good. I'm fine.
-[screaming]
-Whoa!
Jesus fucking fucker!
-Dude, you fucking dick--
-[Jacob] Okay, all right.
You-- that was on you.
-Yeah.
-You brought a sword.
[Russell] Phoenix rising
from the ashes, dude.
-Yeah, you see that shit?
-Yeah, okay, that was...
-That's where it's at.
-Okay, okay.
Fuck, that is scary.
Kumite style now, man.
Yeah, yeah. What are
you gonna do now, man?
-[shouting]
-Jesus, stop!
-Yeah, that's right.
-[metal clanging]
You suck with this.
I knew you would suck at this,
and you suck with it.
I don't suck with it. I'm
trying to save your life, dude.
You're swinging it around
like a jackass.
-I can shred you up.
I'll Ginsu your ass.
-Do it.
Stop. Mm-hmm.
Ah! Ah! Dude!
-My contacts.
-[sword slicing]
Jesus fuck!
Oh, my God, dude,
you really cut me.
-Oh, fuck!
-[Russell] Jesus Christ!
You fucking got me!
-Oh, fuck.
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
Fuck! Oh, shit, that looks bad.
-Okay.
-All right, well,
we got to gotta the hospital.
What? Okay, fine, fine.
Okay. Wait, wait, wait.
Let me wrap this up in my car.
Wrap that shit up.
Dude, when we get there, though,
we can't tell
the hospital people that
I did the samurai shit.
We gotta tell them it was,
like, a hardware accident
or some bullshit.
Where are my keys?
Fuck. Fuck.
Dude, I'm driving, dumbass.
-Dude. I'm sorry.
-Dude! What the fuck?
No! Dumbass!
-Jacob! Stop! Stop!
-I'm leaving!
-Stop! Stop! Stop!
-Yo, you fucking idiot!
Jacob!
Stop!
Jacob!
Jacob!
Fuck!
[dogs barking distantly]
[somber instrumental]
[]
[hibachi lid squeaking]
[]
[music fades]
[gasping, coughing]
[coughing]
[quiet, intense drumbeat]
[]
[]
[]
What am I doing?
-[grunting]
-[door clicking]
[]
[coughing]
Wait.
Wait, no.
[grunting]
[gasping]
Oh, fuck.
[dire instrumental]
[coughing]
[coughing, wheezing]
[flames crackling]
[]
[music intensifies]
[coughing]
Oh, fuck. Oh, no...
Oh, fuck. Oh, no.
[grunting]
[flames roaring]
[explosion rumbling]
[]
[laidback acoustic instrumental]
[]
Come on, man.
Do you really have
to do that right here?
-What?
-The smoking.
Right in front.
I could, like, lose my job.
Oh, my God.
Who gives a shit, dude?
You work at an art supply store.
-It's not the fucking Pentagon.
-Okay.
Well, I give a shit.
Honestly, it's just a bad look.
A bad look? You fucking nerd.
Oh, God, what did you get?
What did you get?
It's just,
like, stuff for Hayley.
You know,
like, fabrics, pencils,
and stuff before
she goes to fashion school.
Oh, my God, dude.
[laughing]
What the fuck is this?
It's like a,
I don't know, feather thing.
Can you please not fuck it up?
This is some bachelorette
party shit, dude.
This is not fashion school.
Oh, my God. Did you get
little plastic dick straws, too?
Okay. Okay.
Can you not
fuck that up, please?
I'm not gonna fuck up the boa.
Can you please
not fuck up tonight?
Because it's movie night,
and we're about to watch
an assortment
of Human Centipede movies.
[Jacob] An assortment?
[Russell] It's a trilogy, man.
You know,
it's like The Godfather.
[Jacob]
It's not like The Godfather.
Okay, well, in The Godfather,
they eat spaghetti.
In the centipede,
they eat buttholes.
-[Jacob] Jesus fucking Christ.
-[Russell] Oh, God.
Can you put on your fucking
seat belt, please?
[Jacob] Oh, my God. Dude,
this thing is like the bane
of my fucking existence.
Yes, okay. It's on.
Yes. Are you happy?
[Russell] I mean,
a little bit, yeah.
["Someone... Somewhere" by Pat
Gatti]
You say you're alone
And lonesome
Because someone
Somewhere set you free
And you say
You're tired of crying
Because someone
Somewhere still believes
I know just how you feel
There's no need to explain
No reason why
Because everybody has
That certain someone
Somewhere
So do I
You'll be going back someday

Some way to that someone
You got tucked away
You'll get it
Straight someday
Some way in the end
You'll be with
Your special friend
I know just how you feel
There's no need to explain
No reason why
Because everybody has
That certain someone
Somewhere
So do I
I know just how you feel
There's no need to explain
No reason why
Because everybody has
That certain someone
Somewhere
So do I