I Love You Both (2016) Movie Script

- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday!
Hee, can I open this?
Do you like it?
- Yeah, do you like yours?
- Yeah.
Do you like yours?
Yeah. Are you sure?
Okay, cool.
Knocky knock, hey.
You coming to the monthly
happy hour tonight?
I invited everyone but Scott,
so... you don't have to worry.
Why would you do
something like that?
He's gonna think
I asked you to do that.
Oh, because you still love him?
Nope, I just don't want
to keep talking about him.
Because you still love him.
- Hmm, that's not it again.
- Oh, okay.
But... anyway I can't go
tonight. Linda's having us over.
Oh yeah, that's right,
your surprise party.
Oh my god, I totally
just said that, didn't I?
Yes, you did.
Krystal: It's okay.
I already knew.
Well, don't tell Linda
that I told you, okay?
- Oh yeah.
- Anyway, you look really good.
Scott's gonna be jealous
like super soon.
- Thank you.
- Okay, have fun tonight, bye!
- Donny: Hey, Ted.
- Hey, Donny.
I'm really sorry, man.
I didn't really have time
to go home and get my checkbook.
Hmm, again, huh?
Yeah, anyway, is it okay
if I pay you next week?
don't even worry about it.
- Thanks.
- Donny: It's totally awesome.
- Right on.
- Thanks, Ted.
Hey, happy birthday.
Thanks, dad.
Hey, mom and I
got you a couple things.
Okay, talk about it later.
Hey, guys.
The thing that these...
Have in common here is that...
Ah, we don't really know.
If events worldwide
were an animal,
what animal would we be?
Black cat! I mean, Jaguar!
I'll take Jaguar.
Hi, Linda.
You and Donny coming tonight?
Yep, you told me a year ago.
Yeah, don't come right at seven.
Come at like... 7:05.
Okay, 7:05.
Just knock on the door
right at 7:05,
I'm busy before that.
Okay, sounds good.
Dean: This is why
we're losing money.
Happy birthdays-es you guys.
Wow, that's really weird.
You put us in a heart?
You're one person in my heart.
It was cheaper for one graphic.
Blow them out!
Let's drink.
I mean, eat the cake
and then let's drink.
Linda: Oh, that's perfect.
Taquito time!
Whatever happened
with that piano competition
you were doing? You were gonna
go on tour... or something?
Ivy, I told you.
- He didn't win.
- Oh.
Wrenn: Don't make him
feel bad about not winning.
It's okay.
- Ivy: I hit a nerve.
- Yes, you did, jeez.
Rubbing it in his face
that he lost, sorry.
Actually, I found
a manager, anyway.
- Ivy: Oh!
- That's great!
So, sorry,
but how long do you try?
Do you keep trying, right?
Cause you could
be doing that forever
and never reap the fruits.
I have to talk to you
about something.
Absolutely not. If you talk
about work right now,
I'm gonna put a bullet
in my brain.
I don't want to talk about work.
I want you to meet someone.
No, just 'cause of the way
you said that I can't.
Trust me.
I know what I'm talking about.
- No.
- I've been divorced twice.
Antioxidants, anyway...
Who is that?
Linda: Oh my god,
he's right here, Craig!
- Oh, god.
- What?
I know Craig.
Hi, Craig. How are you?
I started that new diet
like you said
and went to subway
and got one sandwich.
Yep, subway diet.
But then I went home
and ordered a pizza.
Eh, it happens.
Then I had
a tub of Ben and Jerry's.
Sounds like you're doing good.
With chocolate sauce.
All right,
maybe you should just give up
and kind of enjoy
you're at your best now.
What do you say?
She's right.
And I think, by the way,
that you're following
your passion, but at what cost?
Until you quit, right?
Or not quit, but find other
avenues for... um, success?
- Well, I think that's...
- Yeah, we don't know, right?
That's why
I got a business degree.
She did.
- And I'm so thankful for it.
- Ugh, me too.
Because, see, whereas you
are so specialized you only,
got a degree in music,
if that makes any sense,
whereas I kind of have mobility.
But it's good about the manager,
That's a light
at the end of the tunnel.
It really is, yeah.
I guess, for you at this point.
I'm just thinking, thinking,
got it.
I just remembered
I have a friend
who studied tuba
in school and now he's making
all the music
for iPhone commercials.
We could slip his number to you
if and when the manager
doesn't really pan out.
He's always looking for interns
and he is, of course...
Much younger than you are.
Would that be weird, no?
Wrenn: You could work
for a 16-year-old, right?
- He's gorgeous.
- Oh...
- I agree.
- And very strict.
Do you mind if I cut your face?
Oh my god, oh.
- Ah, that's funny.
- Oh, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it, oop, oop, oop.
Oh, I did it.
Sorry, face.
That's funny.
Uh, you come here a lot?
- What do you mean, the house?
- Mm-hmm.
No, Marina invited me.
- Did you meet online?
- No, I don't do online dating.
Oh yeah, no, me neither.
I've never even heard of that.
I, uh, just made it up.
You look just like my
grandpa's old neighbor, Gus.
Uh, okay.
Yeah, it's uncanny.
Is Gus, like, 70?
- Nope, he's dead.
- Oh, wow, perfect, thank you.
Yeah, he was the best though.
He made his own
salt water Taffy.
- Oh, Taffy, nice.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, good old, old Taffy Gus.
- Krystal: Yeah.
That is, uh,
sounds a lot creepier
than I thought
it was gonna sound. Yeah.
- Oh, uh-oh.
- Uh-oh, what?
Oh, I think I have to save
my brother from like a...
a terrible conversation.
- What do you mean?
- Uh, well, it's kind of weird.
We have a codeword for,
like, party emergencies.
- You have a codeword?
- Krystal: Mm-hmm.
Oh, cool, so you guys are,
like, in third grade?
Ah, well, twins don't age so...
Who are you?
Oh, hey, I'm Andy.
- Krystal.
- It's, uh, nice to meet you.
Sorry about the frosting.
Oh, yeah,
you have really dry hands.
Andy: Thanks.
Ivy: Can I give you some advice?
Wrenn: You're gonna love it.
Go home, right now.
Dispose of half of what you own.
Do it.
Is that your brother?
Mm-hmm, he looks sad.
That's the first thing
I noticed about him,
this deep, unfathomable sadness.
Holding back,
you are holding back.
He's a good-looking dude.
Thanks for saving me.
I think that was gonna go on
another two hours.
No problem, that's the worst.
Andy's an art teacher and he's
reading the hobbit in German.
- Yeah.
- What's it called in German?
It's just called the hobbit.
There's no German word
for hobbit.
Donny: Makes sense.
Um, how do you like teaching?
'Cause I teach piano
and I hate it.
Oh, I love it.
I teach elementary now,
but I used to teach high school,
"but, uh, there was
this one like 6'5" kid,
and, uh, I told him to go
to detention and he was like,
"fuck detention," and then
he stabbed me with a protractor.
No, no, no,
it was cool though I just...
I just went back
and beat the shit out of him.
I'm kidding.
I haven't actually,
uh, attacked a child.
He was really big,
but, yeah, I was fine.
And now I teach
elementary school,
which is the little kids.
They're still stronger than me,
but I'm taller so...
That gives me the advantage.
Donny: Nice.
Yeah, uh,
so your sister was telling me
that you guys
are designing a website?
it's a website where you post
fat pictures
of your ex-boyfriends.
Yeah, it's a green initiative.
Krystal: We wanted to do
something paperless.
Oh, okay,
so what you're telling me
is that I should never date
either of you, ever.
Well, I don't think
we're gonna use it.
We're just making it.
Just designing it.
Actually, my friend Glenn
builds websites for a living.
Yeah, he just sold
his digital agency.
He's doing this
mobile photo booth thing now,
but he's throwing a party.
You guys should, uh...
You guys should come.
Yeah, that sounds awesome,
That sounds awesome, mm-hmm.
Andy: I know it's like really
hard building a business.
Furby's are selling
for a hundred bucks a pop
in Thailand right now.
They're status symbols.
That's depressing.
Mint condition or
can it be gently loved?
Ah, shit... I got to go.
I'm, uh, looking after
some chickens down the road.
I gotta go turn the lamps on.
- Wow, all right.
- Okay.
But we will call you
about your website friend.
Yeah, we'll do
a group text thing.
- All of us.
- Donny: Yeah.
Okay, cool, uh, it was great
meeting you guys.
Group text me.
Bye, Andy!
It almost makes me nervous,
like, how relaxed Andy is.
Like, what aren't
you telling us?
Oh, I know.
- He's like a yes person.
- Mm-hmm.
- Scott was a no person.
- Mm-hmm.
Remember when he was like,
"I'll come to your birthday,
but I tend to have more fun
with my friends."
- God, fuck.
- Yuck.
The worst.
Do you think Andy spends
a lot of time on his hair?
No, I think he just wakes up
looking good, every time.
But... I think he drinks a lot
of water, like, just, a lot.
- Just really hydrated.
- Really well hydrated.
Really, like I think
he just, like,
a backpack of coconut waters
all the time.
- Like, the face. You can tell.
- No, I can tell.
The face
is filled with hydration.
I can tell by looking at him.
Mm-hmm, but I don't know.
Oh, I wanted to show you
this thing.
I was thinking
after we finish recip-easy,
we should go
to that motel we saw that time,
the one
with all the themed rooms.
You know what I'm talking about?
And like we can just
like go for a week,
and like stay in a different
room like every night.
Whimsical lodging.
Yeah, it won't be that whimsical
- 'cause we're gonna plan it...
- Oh, the forest room.
Yeah, no,
they're all ugly on purpose.
Like, that's the whole thing.
- Yeah, I remember, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
I kind of want
to like do the Titanic
or like the...
You know, any of these.
Yeah, we should totally do it.
I got to go to bed.
You got to take that away.
- Take it away.
- Me too.
I can't eat any more of this.
- I got to go.
- All right.
I'm just gonna have
one more bite actually,
but then I'll go.
Good night!
Krystal: What are you
doing here?
Char: Brought your b-day gifts!
So I got this idea I want you
to roll around in your noodle.
My friend, Kelly,
my nurse friend, Kelly,
on our days off, we go junkin'.
You would not believe
what people
donate to the goodwill.
What is all that?
So now, I got a basement
full of antiques.
So I'm downstairs, thinking,
"how can I
turn this into a cash cow?"
You know, buy low,
sell high kind of thing?
Now I'm driving down the street
and I notice at the gym...
- You know, the gym by my house?
- Mm-hmm.
Right next to it is,
"space for rent."
So I just whip in there,
and I'm sitting there
in the car contemplating
the potential,
when, boom,
I have this epiphany.
I'm gonna open a juicery.
'Cause how hard can it be?
So then I'm envisioning
these sweaty people
coming out of the gym,
so they come in
and that's the hook,
'cause when they come in,
I'm gonna have
all my antiques there.
But I got a name for it.
It's gonna be called
first fruits.
It's biblical, you know.
It's six A.M.,
six in the morning.
I haven't told your dad yet.
He's just gonna shit.
Oh, boy.
Char: They're feminine.
That's what men like.
They like feminine and pretty.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome. Donny?
Oh, wow.
It's a bow tie.
It's not one of those clippies.
It's a real bow tie.
You're gonna have
to learn how to tie it.
It's for when Saul gets you
your first gig.
- Thanks, mom.
- So what you need to do Donny,
every day, you need to get up,
you need to put that bowtie on,
and that sends the universe
a message
that you are ready
for prosperity.
Did I tell you guys
about that special
I watched on national geographic
the other day on pythons?
This python grabbed this
monkey, and I swear to god,
the monkey's eyeballs
were about to pop out.
That sounds terrible.
Well, Krystal...
It's the circle of life.
It's all about perspective.
So anyway, I gotta bounce,
but I think
I'm really on to something
with this first fruits.
And I'm coming into
the next chapter of my life.
So, give me a kiss goodbye.
- Bye.
- Char: Bye.
Bye, Donny.
I'm a little worried
Andy's inviting us
so his website friend
can steal our ideas.
What do you think?
That's crazy.
Maybe he can help us
build them finally.
Yeah, that is crazy.
I guess I'm not as trusting.
Andy doesn't seem like the kind
of person that would
do that anyway.
No, definitely not.
Krystal: All right,
but just in case,
let's only tell him
about recip-easy.
Hello, hi, I have
that shirt in plum.
Andy: Hey, buddy.
You brought two people.
That's fun.
Come on in.
Here's your money.
I'll see if there's enough.
Hey, is that shirt new?
- Uh-huh.
- I like it.
Now, is there a limit
to the items we can buy
and can we see the items first?
No, that's not how it works.
Bart married Glenn and Susan
and he also does auctions.
Yeah, and pet parties.
Yeah, is that
like a package deal?
No, but it does bring in
repeat business. Just kidding.
What's happening here?
We're clearing the toxic
items from Glenn's home.
Susan decamped
for India last year.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
She just left all her stuff?
As far as I can tell,
she took her paintbrushes
and a microdermabrasion kit,
Everything else is...
Pretty much up for grabs.
Oh, he doesn't need it.
He's rich.
I don't need it.
I don't care.
I'll just redo the whole thing.
I'll just... redo it.
Yeah, you need to get
a fresh start, Glenn.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but
okay, where is that sweater
that Susan got
from Fran Drescher
after the nanny premiere?
I don't think we have that.
Okay, you guys ready?
Spend your money wisely because
we got a lot of treasures here,
First item up is, oh,
it's an expensive one.
We have, uh, the earrings.
Glenn's wife wore
while cheating on Glenn.
Wow, off to a blazing start.
Five dollars.
25, I'll let you borrow them.
Why are you bidding on earrings?
I'm making a tie-tack.
- 25.
- Sold.
Next item up
is this nice peach blazer.
Size medium.
Hey, can I ask you
a weird question?
Is Andy dating anyone,
like a girlfriend?
Even like a boyfriend, maybe?
Actually, I think he's dated
both, but no one right now.
Okay, sorry about
your wife by the way.
Man, that's bad news.
Oh, uh, also, we
have a business idea
to talk to you about, um, later.
I know now's not good,
but another time.
- Okay.
- Cool.
Okay, last item,
this Espresso maker.
It's got...
It's an Espresso maker.
I am so tired of this game.
I'll put in a five.
Okay, fine, sold.
Krystal: We need
an Espresso maker.
Donny: That's true, we do.
Bart: One last thing.
Finally... this.
Ugh, where'd you
get that awful thing?
How can you give that away?
I'm gonna paint him something
else, like a hawk or a wolf.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
that was your wedding present.
It's fine, he doesn't
want the painting.
It's a constant reminder
of failure and heartbreak.
Why would he want it?
Wow, thanks, Bart.
Sorry, well, obviously
everybody wants this,
so who's got the
most money left?
Donny hasn't spent
any of his cash.
I'd like to return
the Espresso maker.
Can I get that money back?
Mm-mm, no refunds.
You should take it.
Are you sure?
I feel kind of bad.
- Andy: Yeah.
- Not really my taste.
Okay, I'd love to have it.
I have an Andy painting now.
Laser: Yay!
Wait, your last name's
not Warhol, is it?
Bart: Stupid.
Andy: Uh, I like to
put it on everything.
- Ketchup.
- Yes!
Uh, okay, okay, ooh, this is
my least favorite thing ever.
People that wear
sandals with dirty feet?
Uh, yes, but no.
- Sports.
- Yes!
Um, um, um, I really, I
want to, I want to eat a...
- Taco!
- Yes, yeah!
How'd you know that?
I just said want
I wanted to eat.
Taco, we won.
Glenn: Uh, it's better
if you close the curtain.
Yeah, sorry, it's hard to fit.
We can fit.
- I think this is a...
- We can fit.
I'm pretty sure
this is a two-person.
- No, we can fit.
- Yeah, okay.
We can fit.
Andy: Oh yeah, it sends
them to your phone, too.
Why didn't we think of this?
I don't know.
You carry your own pen?
Andy: Oh, yeah.
I don't like ballpoints.
I only use felt tips.
It's better
for keeping the photo okay.
Donny: All right, oh, boy.
Andy: A little
lower, lower, okay.
- Donny: Can you get it?
- Andy: There you go.
Andy: All right.
- Nope, it's not.
- Shit, okay.
Okay, let's move a little
bit, so you can get in.
Donny: Okay.
Maybe you ought to reconsider
the painting purchase.
I mean, it's kind of big.
Oh, no I never leave a party
without taking
at least one painting, so...
Are you sure
that I can have this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you bought it.
Have it.
Okay, thank you.
- Good to see you.
- Yeah.
- Come here.
- Oh.
Good to see ya.
Krystal: Bye.
- See ya.
- Bye, okay.
- Thanks again!
- Bye, thanks again!
You got to organize
some of this.
You just start putting up...
I don't even know
where it is anymore.
- Donny: It's a vision board.
- This is a vision board...
Donny: It doesn't
have to be organized.
- Some of them are tasks.
- It doesn't have to be.
The whole time
I thought it was tasks.
I didn't know it was visions.
That's why I'm pinning up tasks.
Some, like,
most of the things...
What the hell is this?
So what happened
the other night?
You didn't call me.
I did call you.
You should think about
getting voice-mail.
Nope, I haven't
turned it back on
since Steve left me
that ugly message.
"Hi, Linda, you
ruined Christmas.
This is Steve."
Did I tell you what he
said to me yesterday?
Yikes, no what?
I went to pick
up Frankie 'cause,
you know, he has
to be on lockdown,
and Steve looked at me and said,
"Linda, you look like
absolute fucking shit.
Please go to the bathroom
and do your hair."
Wow, that's really mean.
Linda: Yeah, can
you believe that?
What'd ya say?
I roundhouse kicked him.
You what?
I roundhouse kicked him,
with my Tori Burch's
right in his balls and I
said, "fuck you, Steve!"
- Wow.
- Yeah.
So where'd you go?
Did you go out?
We went to his friend's house.
Shut up.
That's where we went.
Well just remember,
if not you then who?
Okay, we'll see.
Linda: I don't know.
He looks like he knows
he's good-looking.
I think he's using you.
I don't really know
what he'd be using me for.
I don't really have
a lot going on right now.
Just wait.
"I work a lot."
I have to go to my
uncle's to cook fish.
Did you feed my dog
a bunch of fudge?
"He's dead."
Next thing you know,
he's slashing your tires
if he's anything like Steve.
Why would this person
be anything like Steve?
I don't know.
I have to go sit with Dale.
His wife left him and I
think he might have melanoma.
Jesus, really?
Yep, big mole on his neck.
See ya later.
Randi: Cheese, bitch.
Oh my god.
What are you doing?
That's gonna be
such a great pic.
Don't you love Polaroids?
Why would you do that?
Well, you're the only one
eating the cheeseburgers,
and I don't want
Dale to feel bad
'cause he's the one that
brought the cheeseburgers,
and there are no pictures
of anyone eating them, so...
His wife is leaving him
and I think
he's getting fired tomorrow.
Please don't put that up.
Oh, quit being such a whore.
It's gonna be such a cute pic.
I think it'll make Scott
really jealous.
Oh, b-t-dubs, he's been
checking you out during lunch.
I think you guys are
gonna get back together.
Why, did he say something?
Randi: I don't know.
We were decorating
for the holiday of hearts
and he said that you guys
didn't have anything in common,
like when you guys
were together,
like for the whole entire
time and that it was
definitely for the best,
like 100% no looking back,
but I think he might be
pushing down his feelings.
People change, you know?
Anyway, I told him that
you miss him so much
that it's like insane
and that you guys are soulmates.
I think he bought it.
M'Kay, that's my day.
Like, her mouth is so big,
the largest a mouth
could be open.
It's like taking up the whole
entire Polaroid.
Scott: The burger?
Not bad.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.
So, uh... what's the next step?
Uh, we send it to ray.
And ray is your friend
at the record label, right?
Yeah, I told you about ray?
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, you said that he's, well,
signed basically everyone
I've ever listened to, so...
Yeah, yeah,
you're gonna be great.
Would you mind if I hang on
to your car another few days?
I still got some errands to run.
Yeah, no, I don't mind.
You're sending my tape
to a record label.
The least I could do is let you
borrow my car for another day.
You're right.
Sorry, so when do we send it?
I'm thinking about that.
I think that your...
Uh, runs on that
third movement could
be, uh... crisper.
Even crisper.
Maybe give that another try
and then we'll send it.
You know what? Actually,
I just remembered, um...
I have to do something today
and I need my car back today.
Um... if that's okay.
Well, I can't meet with ray
if I don't have a car, so...
It's up to you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are we doing tonight?
Maybe we should see
what Andy's up to?
Yeah, actually, um...
I'm meeting him after work
for a drink.
You should come.
Oh, where?
Uh, this new wine
bar right by my work.
Oh, what time are we meeting?
Um, well I'm meeting
him like right now,
like right after work,
so I'm kind of worried,
like if you tried
to meet up with us,
I'm just worried we would
be done by then, um...
Yeah, it's pretty
far on the bus, so...
Krystal: Well, I'll just
be there for a little while
and then I'll see you at home.
We can work on the website
Yeah, okay.
All right, that sounds good.
Uh, tell Andy I say hi.
Krystal: Okay, bye.
- Andy: Hey, how are ya?
- Good, how are you?
I didn't know you wore glasses.
Oh, yeah, I'm blind as a bat.
So is your whole family
like artsy or just you?
Nope, they're actually all cops.
All of 'em, they're all cops?
Not to brag or anything,
but I do like to dabble in it.
I want to make at least one
citizen's arrest in my lifetime.
What? So you just like arrest
anybody, anytime?
Anyone, anyone.
Yeah, so how's...
How's your website going?
The website, oh,
the website's great.
Yep, very good.
- Oh, great, good.
- Yeah.
You got a chance to
talk to Glenn then?
Oh, no, no, there
was no time, really.
You should come hang out
with us sometime.
They all dig ya, you know?
Oh, they were so nice.
That'd be really fun.
Should we...
Should we order another round?
Sure, sounds good.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh my god, these
stools are, like,
even higher than
before, aren't they?
You really got
to, like, get up there.
Oh, wow, strong
pour on this one.
Yeah, they really did it, uh?
Krystal: Wow.
Uh, so you like want
to order any food or...
This is a weird menu.
Catfish tacos?
I have a catfish story.
My grandma packed up
all the lamps
in her house
and just drove off once,
because my grandpa invited
the whole family over
for a catfish fry
and didn't tell her.
But the worst part is that
because there was no lights,
they forgot to
turn the fryer off,
and five hours after
we went to bed,
the whole house
caught on fire, whole thing.
Did you put it out?
Oh no, burned right down
to the ground, just dust.
Andy: Oh my god.
- Oh yeah.
- That's horrible.
It is horrible.
What did your
grandma say about it?
Oh, we never saw her again.
She never came back.
Never saw her again.
Oh my god,
that's a terrible story.
Yeah, it is terrible, but
it's the truth, so there you go.
Uh, this is weird.
Uh, my uncle's house
burned down when I was ten.
No way.
Yeah, ceiling fan just
exploded, just Crazy.
Do you think my grandma
burned down your uncle's house?
Actually, yeah,
I think it was her.
That makes a lot of sense.
That's crazy.
We're like soulmates.
We... I mean, we're friends
and any friends can
turn into soulmates.
It just... you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, friend
soulmates, uh, friendmates.
- Oh, sorry, I just, um...
- Andy: What, are you okay?
Oh, yeah, no, my shoes fell off.
- I just got to get...
- Your shoe fell off?
Yeah, my shoes fell off my feet.
I gotta get them
back on my feet. That's it.
Just gonna, oh my
god, these stools.
Ridiculous, you know,
just really tall.
Just ridiculous.
These stools are...
All right, um...
Can we get the check?
Oh, I already got it.
- Oh, when?
- Andy: Oh, a while ago.
You already paid?
Andy: Yeah, yeah,
I paid a while ago.
Okay, I see.
There it is, yes. Um...
You could have told me
if you were ready to go.
No, that's not why I paid.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Andy: Okay.
Well, I guess it's
getting pretty late.
Yep, tick-tock, uh, we will go.
Time to get back to the palace
and I am turning into
a pumpkin, so, okay?
- What?
- Should we go?
Oh, uh, uh, yeah, sure.
Just, here we go!
Andy: Oh, oh, okay, yeah.
Krystal: One last
time off of these, okay.
Well, thanks for hanging out,
I guess.
Yeah, of course,
thanks for coming.
Yeah, thanks.
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
Well, uh... let me know
if you want to hang out again,
I guess.
All right, bye.
- Okay, umm...
- Krystal: Bye.
- Bye!
- Krystal: Bye.
What do you mean
your shoes fell off?
They fell off my feet
at the table.
Sounds like you were drunk.
No, I wasn't.
I had two glasses.
Oh, boy.
Krystal: What?
I got poison Ivy.
Yep, there it is,
all over the vagina.
God, mom.
How did that happen?
Well I've been
gardening all morning,
and poison Ivy is just
in the air, it's on the ground.
You sit on the
ground, it goes in your pants.
Then it just goes
where it wants.
I'll just have
to call my doctor.
Like, "hey, I'm gonna
need some prednisone",
for poison Ivy on the puss."
I don't know what to do.
Well, who is this person anyway?
Has Donny approved of him?
And does he have
health insurance?
Um, I don't know.
He's really nice, like,
really super nice.
So he hasn't said,
"oh, you don't
fit in with my crossfit team,"
or "why don't you
die your hair red?"
Good, because that guy
was the worst.
Yeah, I'm aware.
No, this person's
completely different.
He's, like, the nicest
person I've ever met.
Then don't text him
and don't call him.
For how long?
Oh, I gotta go.
Dad's really mad, yeah.
Okay, all right, bye.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Donny: You okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
Just tired for some reason.
We should work tonight.
We should work
on all of our projects.
Um, yeah, actually, Andy and I
are going
to this art show tonight.
You're going to an art show?
Um, do you want to come?
That's okay.
Uh, you guys go ahead.
Well, I'll text you
if we go somewhere else,
if you want to come.
Andy: I thought it was funny.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, that poor guy.
That guy?
No, what about all those people
he was thanking,
like his parents.
Oh, I know.
Oh god, it was horrible.
- It's terrible.
- It was so bad.
Uh, anyway, not
what I was expecting.
Um... oh, sorry I...
Uh, couldn't make it out
the other night by the way.
It's fine. Don't worry about it.
Um, did you guys have fun?
Yeah, I mean, I thought we did.
I, um, found out that my manager
may or may not be
doing anything.
- Oh, no, what...
- Just nothing.
- What's going on?
- Uh, I don't know.
Do you want to do some shots?
'Cause I think they're
a dollar tonight.
Uh... yeah
- okay.
- I do.
- Linda: Hello?
- Hey.
What's up, girly?
Not much, what are you up to?
Making pizza.
Krystal: What? What kind?
Uh... snickers.
I'm making a snickers pizza.
Well, can I get in on that, or?
Nah, I don't know.
I think it's only big
enough for me and Frankie.
Oh, well, do you
want to hang out later?
What do you mean, why?
What happened with Andy?
Nothing happened with Andy.
Nothing's happening with Andy.
He didn't call you?
Do you have fraudulent charges?
Krystal: What, no, I'm
not calling about Andy!
I think you should check anyway.
Where's Donny?
I don't know.
So you're saying you're
definitely busy, or...?
- I love fireball!
- Ugh, I hate fireball.
What, are you kidding?
It's delicious and it makes
your breath smell good.
Ah, okay, uh-huh.
No, nope, I cannot do that.
Ah, what?
- I can't do it!
- What?
- No, I...
- What?
I had the worst hangover
on this. I can't, I'll puke.
No, hey, uh, did you know?
Smell, yeah,
causes more memories
than all the other
senses combined.
- Smell?
- Uh-huh.
Okay, let's do it.
Your breath does smell great.
- Oh, thank you!
- Yeah, it smells really good.
- That's really nice.
- Yeah.
Donny: So, uh, Saturday?
- Oh, yeah. Saturday.
- See you Saturday?
Definitely Saturday.
- Okay.
- It will be super fun.
Cool, yeah, it'll be super fun.
- Mm-hmm.
- Um...
- Donny: Okay.
- Okay.
All right, I'll see you then.
- Okay, I'll see ya, bye.
- Okay, bye.
All right.
See ya, bye.
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm scared.
Can I sleep on your floor?
Okay, bring some blankets.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
How was your date with Andy?
It was good.
I really like him.
Did you guys have fun?
Yeah, it was really fun.
Do you think
I'll ever meet anyone?
Of course you will.
I wish we would've
enjoyed our birthdays more.
I just wish
I wouldn't have wasted
so much of my life with Scott.
You didn't waste your life.
It wasn't that much time.
Remember when we said
that we were gonna live
on the same street, next
to each other, in mansions?
Do you think that's still true?
Of course I do.
Hey, do you want me to
stop talking to Andy?
No, that's crazy.
He invited us to go see
this band play this weekend.
It's right next to
that hotel that we saw,
the one with all the
themed rooms, remember?
And I told him
we should stay there.
Do you want to come?
I don't want to
stay here by myself.
Damn it.
Krystal: Donny,
what are you doing?
Nothing, you can come in.
I didn't know what to pack.
Did you get a haircut?
Yeah, I was just
ready for a new look.
Oh, I like it.
I'm just used to seeing you with
the same one you've had forever.
What's that box?
Something I got for Andy.
Oh, what for?
Did he get you something?
That's really nice.
What do you guys
want to listen to?
Donny: Uh, I don't know.
What was that stuff you
were playing the other day?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, here.
Donny: Oh, yeah, so good.
- Right?
- Yeah.
What song is this? I love this.
Donny, what'd you say, Donny?
What are you guys talking about?
You want to see a vista?
Who wants to see a vista?
I'll be right back.
I'm really glad you met Andy.
Thanks, me too.
He's like the nicest person
I've ever met.
Yeah, I'm really happy for you.
Krystal: Hello?
I don't know our room number!
Wow, nice.
I can see why they
call it the forest room.
Oh, look.
Maybe we should check out
some of these places
while we're here.
Oh, yeah, I heard about this.
- They got great barbecue, yeah.
- Oh, wow.
- Krystal: What am I doing here?
- What?
Oh, nothing.
Just making bad life choices,
that's it, just nothing...
This is great!
Um, I'm gonna head
down to the front desk.
Um... you want to
meet me down there?
Okay, we'll see you
down there in a minute.
I'll be out in a minute.
Krystal: Are
you almost ready?
Donny: You guys go ahead.
I'll catch up.
I don't want to go without you.
I'll just wait for you.
Do you need help
with your bow tie?
No, I can do it.
Krystal: Maybe you
shouldn't wear it.
'Cause it doesn't matter.
Andy's gonna like you
either way.
Well, I want to wear it and I
don't want you to have to wait.
Fine, we'll see you down there.
I like that we sort
of match, sort of.
I mean, okay, yeah.
Like a little bit.
- A little bit, maybe.
- Yeah.
Um, sorry,
I tried to get Donny to come.
He didn't want you
to have to wait though.
It's okay. I'm fine.
Totally fine.
So, what's... what's
been up with ya?
I've been thinking
about running a lot.
Mm-hmm, I'm thinking
about running a marathon.
Well, like a full marathon,
like the full 26 miles?
Yeah, the full thing.
You know it's a lot of training,
but that's something
you can... do alone.
And, you know,
it's pretty rewarding,
fills all your time, and I also
saw a meet-up group online.
Get together with
other alone people
and just, like, eat
cheese and crackers,
and, like, talk about,
like, exotic fish and stuff.
It should be good.
Oh, that sounds interesting.
Yeah, well, you
know, I think I just...
I really gotta meet some
other people besides Linda.
I also was looking
into tiger training.
- Wow!
- Krystal: Yeah.
That sounds dangerous.
I guess. I think it just
depends where you go.
Okay, well, it sounds like you
got all your plans set up then.
I think so.
Yeah, I'm pretty set.
Okay, well...
I just wanted to say
that I'm sorry...
- Oh.
- For whatever I did.
No, you didn't do anything.
I... I totally understand.
You know, I'm really
glad you guys let me come.
Like, I didn't want
to stay home alone.
Well, I mean, if you want, like,
Glenn's throwing this wine thing
and then afterwards we're
going to this brewery.
You should come!
- That sounds fun.
- It is fun!
We do it every year.
It's a blast, it's awesome.
Yeah, well, I'll ask Donny,
or I guess you can.
You can ask him now.
Okay, sure, yeah, I guess...
If you want to come,
and Donny wants to come,
if that's what you want, yeah.
Donny can come,
if that's what you want.
I'll check my schedule
and stuff.
Oh, well...
You're just inviting me?
Um... yeah?
I was just kind of
hoping that...
Maybe you and me could maybe
spend some
more alone time again.
I mean,
only if that's what you want.
Yeah, that sounds good.
I'm really sorry
about the other night.
There's... there's been some,
like, weird confusion,
and um,
this is super embarrassing.
The only reason, or,
sort of the only reason
that I came on this trip
was that
I was hoping to see you again.
I just, I thought,
I didn't think you liked me.
I just, like,
acted really weird and then...
No, no, you didn't.
You didn't act weird.
Maybe we can just like...
Just forget everything and...
Yeah, that sounds good.
You're actually talking to
the only person in high school
that did not play
a single sport.
I did. I was on the swim team.
I was like the slowest person.
- What?
- Yeah.
I was, like, basically
not even on the team.
I was like the mascot.
It was the worst.
Okay, um, do
you want another drink?
Oh, no, I think I'm okay.
I think I'm gonna get another
drink before the show starts.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Shit, uh, you think
Donny's okay, right?
Oh, yeah, I think, yeah.
Like he's just a perfectionist.
He's probably just taking
his time getting ready.
You think he's okay though,
I think he'll be fine.
- Okay, I'll be right back.
- Okay.
That's really cute.
What's going on?
We can't talk to Andy anymore.
What, why?
He's crazy.
What are you talking about, why?
He's an asshole.
We can't talk to him anymore.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Andy: Krystal,
are you in there?
Don't answer it.
I have to let him in.
No, Donny, you don't.
What did he say to you?
I don't want to talk about it!
Why won't you tell me?
This is really weird.
How many times
have I texted you the code word?
I wouldn't have sent it
if I wasn't serious.
I know, but...
Andy: Guys, what's going on?
Donny, don't answer it.
Well, what do you want to do?
We should probably leave.
I don't know how
we're gonna do that
because he drove us here, so...
We'll take the bus!
I'm not leaving.
I don't want to leave.
Krystal: We have to.
We can't stay here
with this person. He's not nice.
Donny: I like Andy, okay?
I'm not leaving.
I'm sorry.
I'm opening the door.
Fine, but if you do that,
I'm leaving.
Are you serious?
It was that bad?
Krystal: Yes, I'm telling you.
Andy: All right, I'm gonna
head back to the show.
Let's take a bus then.
Herman, go to sleep.
You're making me sad.
Come on, Herman, take a shit.
You're five years old and
you're still scared to go potty.
How was your weekend?
It was fine, how was yours?
Good, I got a new car.
It's a Mitsubishi.
That's nice.
Did you see, Andy?
What's wrong?
Nope, we're not talking
to Andy anymore.
What do you mean?
Didn't work out.
Are you crying?
Krystal: Yeah, you are.
You're crying.
I just thought he was
the one for you, you know?
You did?
I mean, you were saying horrible
things about him the whole time.
Jesus, calm down.
I feel really bad.
I know how painful this,
that this is.
I'm fine.
I gotta lie down.
I feel better.
You know, when
Steve divorced me,
I went to Arby's every day
for three months.
I was scared for a minute,
but he's finally
walking again this week.
Did I tell you?
Krystal: Why couldn't he walk?
Because of the roundhouse kick.
What, you thought I was kidding?
Yeah, kind of.
You want to tell me that
I taught middle-school tae Bo
for seven years, and I
can't deliver a nutcracker?
Think again.
I did not know you did that.
You should do some.
It makes you feel better.
This is how I kicked Steve.
You have to pivot
on the roundhouse, like this.
You should put your hip
to the target.
It's like this,
like this, like this.
Usually your hands are here
if you're defending yourself,
but if you're not, you just
get momentum, like this!
That was a good hit.
It feels good.
But, and, you, like, this!
- Do you want my car?
- What?
- It's a Mitsubishi.
- You'll like it.
I hate working here.
I saw some creative things
posted online.
I think I'm gonna apply.
Do what you want.
I'm really proud of you.
Maybe you can still come
to lunch and learn, though.
Me, you, and Craig.
Probably not.
Hey, don't worry.
It gets better.
Thank you.
Oh, man.
Didn't think
you were home, Saul,
cause I didn't see
my car outside.
I still need it for a bit.
Okay, is it parked on
the street or something?
All right, well...
I'm definitely
gonna need it back today.
Oh, no, I was just saying I...
I definitely need
my car back today.
Who's that?
I called them.
I called all of them.
Ray was a fruitcake!
Ray was a fruitcake!
Hi, babe, what
are you doing here?
It's a really bad day.
Well, I ordered pizza.
Why don't you guys
go to the park, take a walk?
I'm not going
to the fucking park.
Well, Krystal,
it's well-documented
that exercise relieves stress.
Look at me.
I took that class
for yoga for all body types.
I got enough serotonin
to fill the room.
Besides, it's not like
you have Hodgkin's.
You have a job.
Donny's manager died today.
Saul died?
Yep, worst part,
he lost Donny's car.
Drove it off
and couldn't remember where.
So there you go, Krystal.
You're always complaining about
working for a software company,
'cause it's not creative enough.
Have you applied
for anything else?
If you don't like your job,
I told ya, you could do
anything you wanted.
Please stop saying that.
This is why I've been
delusional my whole life.
Why did you say we could
be anything we wanted?
Oh, I'm such a terrible mother.
What I meant was...
I would pay for it.
Why did you say we were better
than all of our boyfriends?
They're all married
and going to law school now.
This is why we're
never gonna meet anyone good.
Well, you're not lonely enough
to meet someone.
You spend all your time
I don't want to hang out
with myself.
Well, you'll figure it out.
This has been a pleasant dinner.
Narrator: The cunning python
waits patiently
for the spider monkey
in this grassy knoll.
Narrator: There he goes.
I'm so sorry about Saul.
I didn't even know
he was that old.
Well, he was
like a hundred, so...
I mean, what did I think
was happening there?
Well, it always seemed
a little weird, I guess.
Why didn't you ever
say something then?
Krystal: I don't know.
You seemed really excited
about working with him.
What did Andy say to you?
Just seems really weird
that he would...
Be so nice and then...
Did he say something about me?
I mean, I just know
you really liked him.
I just, I don't think
he felt the same way.
I just didn't want you
to get your feelings hurt.
I keep thinking of all
these things I wanted to say.
Well, I'm sorry.
I mean, I just don't ever
want to see you sad.
But, I'm still sad.
All right, well...
No more lying to each other.
Yeah, I know.
Recip-easy sucks.
I'm thinking about
getting my own apartment.
You want to move out?
I think I should.
- Hey.
- Sorry I can't help you.
I just gotta go to work.
It's okay.
I think I can get it.
It's not that far.
Yeah, man, it's gonna be weird
not seeing you
all the time though.
I know.
But seriously,
it's not that far.
Man, but what if you're busy,
and I need to talk to you,
and I don't know
what you're doing?
Well, I guess we
can call each other.
Yeah, that's true.
All right.
- That sucked.
- Kid: Fuck you!
You should quit.
There's no point.
Kid: Duh!
Ah, these kids nowadays, man.
They just don't have
the Patience for piano.
I know.
I totally get it. It's okay.
Yeah, it's like they just want
to do video games and hockey.
Mm-hmm, yep, I totally get it.
It's like a dying art.
Hmm, mm-hmm, yep,
mm-hmm, yes, it is.
Anyway, I'll mail
you the last check, man.
I'm really sorry.
Just, uh, give me a couple days.
No worries, it's all good.
Okay, thanks, Ted.
- Bye bye, then.
- Bye.
Hey, it's me.
Uh, just got home from work.
Just wanted to call and
see how your new place is.
Just, uh... give me a call
whenever you get this.
All right.
Hey, it's me again.
Um, just calling
to see what you're doing.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I brought you some cookies.
Aw, man, you shouldn't have.
What have you been up to?
Scott: Same old.
Oh, I see.
Well, I just wanted to...
Uh, come by.
I mean, it would be nice
if we didn't have to
avoid each other at work.
Yeah, I hate that.
I heard you and Randi
are dating.
No, no, no, no, no,
she just follows me around,
won't leave me alone.
No, my girlfriend's in London.
Oh, I didn't even know
you had a girlfriend.
How long have you been dating?
Yeah, we met online.
Not a dating website, obviously.
But, uh, we get each other.
That's, uh, London.
I mean, man, that must be hard,
like, not seeing each other?
No, it's okay.
Neither one of us really
want to get married,
and, uh, we're kind of
okay just being alone.
Okay, interesting.
Scott: So, what's the deal
with Donny?
He's fine. Uh, he moved out.
He got his own apartment,
What are you gonna do now,
just gonna sit at home,
have parties by yourself
with Herman?
I thought you and Donny
were like Siamese twins.
I mean, I'm thinking about
saving money and redecorating,
now that it's just my space.
You need some money?
No, why... I have money.
You sound just
like my girlfriend.
She never lets me
send her any money.
Okay, um, well,
I'm glad you're doing well.
I mean, maybe next week
we could go to lunch.
Yeah, I don't think so.
I mean, it's super cool
that you stopped by,
but I don't want you
to think that you can just
come over here
whenever you want.
You invited me.
Yeah, well, okay,
you called me out of the blue,
and I didn't really think
that you'd be staying here
this long.
And I got other plans tonight.
Krystal: Oh.
Hey, hey, get off me!
Scott: Hey, hey,
get out of here!
- What are you doing?
- Get off of me!
What does it look
like I'm doing?
Jesus, what's wrong with you?
What the fuck do you think
is wrong with me?
I mean, you come over, you're
asking me all these questions,
like you're interrogating me,
like you want to run my life.
I said that you could stop by,
but then you're bringing
the dog over like we're friends.
All of this, this is
why you fuck every...
What the fuck is wr...
Stop throwing cookies
in my fucking apartment.
- What's wrong with you?
- I fucking hate you.
Off my face!
What the hell was that?
What the fuck was that?
Hey, where were you?
I tried calling you.
No, sorry, I was calling you.
I have to tell you something
and you have to promise
not to tell anyone.
- What?
- Okay, this is really bad,
but I just beat the shit
out of Scott.
You what?
I roundhouse kicked him and I
threw puppy cookies in his face.
Oh my god.
I'm really worried that
he's gonna call the police,
and I'm gonna
go to jail forever.
I don't think he's gonna
tell the police
his ex-girlfriend
threw puppy cookies in his face.
That's pretty embarrassing.
Yeah, you're right.
Okay, I feel better.
Good, now, it's done.
Hey, do you want to meet up
in like 15 minutes?
We should go
to that tapas place.
It's the one
with all those old doorknobs.
I kind of hate that place.
What, I thought you loved it.
Sort of.
Krystal: All right, let's just
meet up in like 15 minutes.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Are you ready?